#54 - Dan Soder
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Welcome everyone to Stavi's World. We have a sick show today.

Soder, the king is here. This is one of the best episodes we've done all year. Great to have Danny Sodes back in the mix. And I want to thank everyone who's already watched the special. It's out on Netflix right now, Fat Rascal. Watch it again. Put it on repeat. Let it run over and over again on low volume, okay? We're trying to rack those numbers up, baby. Please keep watching it. We worked very hard on it. Thank you, everybody who already has.

Dream come true to have a special out on Netflix. It's so sick. Please do that. And then look, if you're looking for some freaking Christmas presents, okay? The Stavi Shop's got you. We got Ronnie shirts. We got calendars.

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Learning a new language, buy a shirt, buy a calendar, watch the special. We got it covered. Now, let's start the show. Let's get Danny in here. What do you say? Welcome, everybody, to Stavi's World, 904-800-STAV. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. Can you believe it's been a year, Eldis? We just had our anniversary. Sam was our first guest. That was the year anniversary. This is our first official anniversary.

into the new year and we're coming through with Big Danny Soads Season 2 of Stobby's World Season 2 of Stobby's World When people started calling seasons on podcasts that's when I knew I was lost I didn't know everyone did seasons Oh dude we need it yeah we fucked up Sweep Sweep we got em we should have come in with like blonde hair

Totally different. I should have been an Ono Zempic. Yeah. I'm thinking about getting zamped up, you know, just coming back. Yeah, do like Mac from Always Sunny. Yes. Just come back. Fat Mac and then abs. Absolutely shredded. Yeah.

No, there's going to be a hilarious... We really should do that. If everyone's getting... I want to wait to have the Osempic conversation with our good pal Henry H. Foley. Because you know Foley's zamped up these days. Is he? Oh, yeah. Is it dropping? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's dropping weight? He is. That's great. I think that's public knowledge. I don't think I said any trade secrets.

Now, there should be an Ozempic fund where skinny, successful comics give money for their friends that are coming up that are bigger. Well, I want the Ozempic, like, the leaderboard. Oh, yeah. Where it's like, you have to say who's on it, first of all, and then how much weight you lost. I think we're going to start getting into a thing where...

Skinny comics are betting on bigger guys. It's a healthy bet. Put me on the bet, dude. Put me on the pool. It's the opposite of a death pool. Of a life pool. Yeah, dude, I want to get zemped up. And then what I want to do is I want, you know how they make all the loose skin afterwards? Yeah. I want to make a football out of my loose skin. Oh, just touching it? The pig skin. Oh, my God, that's great. Tossing around the pig skin. And have your hair as the laces?

That's a Halloween shit. Why don't we do more fun stuff with all the loose fat skin? Dude, go for it. That's my question. Go Ed Gein. Make a lampshade out of it. Or make a little... How about we make a little like mini... A dead mini me. Like a stuffed mini Stavros. You know what you should do is... With all my skin? Reach out to a taxidermist. Yes. And see what they can put together. Because if you can make a little Jiminy Stavros...

Yeah, because he's in a suit, most of it. And he reminds you not to eat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do it. Or you save him. The holidays are coming up. He's your elf on the shelf. Just a terrifying, like... Made out of your skin? Peeled back and be so shiny and weird. Go get pig eyes or something. Put it in so it's just creepy. What's the animal with the cutest eyes?

I've seen some dogs with cute eyes. Yeah, but you don't want to go get dog eyes. You don't want dog eyes. You're right. That would be... And you can't go human eyes. No. That's not where... You could do fake human eyes. Oh, like glass eyes? Glass eyes. There it is. Take a glass eye. Get a glass eye. Oh, my God. Yep, yep. Or make a wallet. A wallet.

Wallet out of his skin. There's so much stuff you can do so you can skin. Dude, I'm telling you. Now, what's... Wallet's good because you could probably dye it and people wouldn't know. Oh, you just pull out a hunk of flesh. But it would have to be like blue or something. That is...

$41. What's something that would not, that you would, because, okay, if we did a football, we would have to dye the skin and dimple it. And only after you've been playing catch for like 20 minutes, you tell people, by the way. That would be an instant throw up for a couple minutes. By the way, that's my, those are my ass cheeks. Yeah, you go, you know what's funny? You know what you're touching right now? The side of my hip. What?

See where the laces are? See where the hair lace? That's actually my hair. Oh, my God. The hair is the toughest part. We have to get rid of it. Because I don't know about you, one of my least favorite things in the world is when you get a piece of chicken from the grocery store and you get the little feathers on it. That, I'm like, I don't want to be reminded. I know I'm killing an animal. But I...

I like it packaged. I like somebody else doing it for me. I don't want to see a feather. So I wouldn't want to see a hair on my pig skin of my own, on my football of my own skin. You find like a picture of the chicken's kid. Don't want that. That it kept on it. Yeah, yeah. A little chicken school photo. Yeah. They just got to laser backgrounds. In the chicken world, Life Touch just started using laser backgrounds. It really fucks me up. I think you should...

I think you should put it in a cake. Just have it. Okay. You don't even have to mold it or anything. Like fondant? Like use my skin? But not over an actual cake. Not over an actual cake. Just keep it in one of those so you could show it to people and be like, oh. Oh, keep it in a cake, like the glass thing. Glass container. The cake container. Yeah, so you can go, whee. Oh, look at that. Would you like to touch my tummy? And it's just a piece of skin? You could slap it. Every time you don't have a snack.

Oh, you know what you could do? Make a condom out of your own skin. Genius, though. Feels like skin. I mean, it is skin on skin. Why are we using fat people's skin for condoms? We make lambskin condoms. Yeah, she's like... Why don't some bitch from my 500-pound life or 600-pound life give me her neck? Let me nut into her neck while I'm getting pussy. It does feel like the real thing. Let me take my skin sock off you.

Do you mind if we use a skin condom? She's like, oh. Smells like pork rinds. You take it out. I'm going to dry it in the bathroom. I'm going to wash it and dry it. Oh.

So it gets a little clammy keeping it in my pocket. We're coming up with some great applications for fat people's skin. Can you book Shark Tank right now for us? Hey, sharks. What if it was a condom made of your own skin? What else can you make with your own skin? This is great. You could make... Now, I guess, yeah, skin condoms are good. Look, that's even something for lesbians. Like a dental dam. Well, what I'm saying is you put a...

A dental dam of fat person skin. Now, the interesting thing we have to discuss is, here's what we have to discuss. What's the curing process like? It's gross. Because it can't be fresh. Right? We don't need rotting human skin. I'm just sitting over here a fan of industry. Yeah. Yeah.

My question is, what if we take, what if we reform murderers and serial killers and they do the curing because they're used to dealing with killing people. Sure, sure, sure, sure. I'm just saying, let's make it a... Let's get, yes. They don't need to be stamping license plate for 25 cents an hour. We pay them a living wage. We pay them a living wage. Sorry, I let one rip. You might catch it in a second. Buddy? Buddy?

You can shit your pants and I'll never know. You know I can't smell, right? At all? No, dude. I thought you had like a little whisper of it. Gone. Gone? It's Mike Adon. What? That thing? That's a beautiful nose. Oh, thanks, man. A nose like that not to smell? That's a travesty, dude. If I point it up, nothing. What happened? Smoked cigarettes my whole life. That's it? And then I think COVID put it out for good. And I just, it's like a process to get back. Interesting. Yeah.

10%. That sharp little nose, dude. Nothing, dude. Damn. So you could rip around me. That's great to know. Do you see me? You see me out in these streets? Fall. That's great to know because I had a tough one last night. I was, I just, and I didn't eat anything crazy. I just had a couple tacos, right? But I think the meat must have not been so good. I think I had mildly tainted meat. I had, because it was like, it felt like food poisoning, but I never had to throw up. You know when you just wake up and you're just,

you're taking a shit, you're in pain, and you're so hot. Yes. You're like so hot. A sweaty, nudey poop. Dude, nude. At a certain point, I'm just, I get on all fours. You start making noises that are more moans. Not of sensual pleasure. Begging for release from God. Dude, I had one...

I worked... I was laying on the, like, putting... You're so hot, you put your fat stomach, in my case, on the cold porcelain floor for a week. You don't have to be fat to know how enjoyable that sounds. I hope it made this noise. I had... About a year ago, I was in Spokane, Washington, and...

Got there a day early. Yep. And I was like, oh, well, I'm in. I, like, brought my Switch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, cool, dude. I'll get high, play video games, get stuff done tomorrow. And I ordered, like, a French dip sandwich and a Caesar salad. Okay. Dude, I ate that, and I woke up like that. Oh, no. And I was like, oh. And I went... I usually...

Most of the time you'll have that situation. Go back to bed, you'll wake up and you'll be fine. Fine, yeah. I went to bed. I woke up, had that, took a dump. Was like, this feels weird. Went back to sleep, woke up, violently threw up, violently shit for 24 hours. Oh, fuck. Did you have a Thursday show? Had to cancel it. Wow, dude. Had to cancel it. Couldn't get out of bed. Oh my God. Had COVID, like I ordered a DoorDash or whatever. Yeah. Didn't have COVID, but...

The greatest... Our agent sent me... Magic Mike. Magic Mike. Magic Mike sent me Gatorades. Yes. It's the best sip of Gatorade I've ever had in my life. Like a weak, destroyed little gerbil on the water straw. It feels like you're a baby bird whose mother is fucking shoveling life into your mouth. I started cooing. Yeah.

Oh, man. Dude, light blue Gatorade. Light blue is the way to go, brother. Light blue is the way to go. Yeah. Oh, my God. I loved it. But that was... That's a tough one. But you can fart. You can let it go. Thanks, man. Honestly, I let it rip. I feel so much better already. Yeah. But...

Yeah, sorry, I don't know. We're talking about making human skin out of stuff. Your sharp nose not smelling. Oh, yeah. It must come, you know, you put that sharp little nose right in a butthole, it seems like. Nothing. I can walk on them. Dude, I'm a day walker. Yeah. I can go anywhere. You can really eat ass from, you can really eat pussy from behind, is what I'm saying. Yeah, dude. I'm the stinky version of Aquaman. I'm the stinky version of Aquaman.

I can just go. Yep. I'm surprised. If I wasn't a comic, I would probably, like, if I worked for, like, the morgue. Yes. They'd be like, will you go in there? And you're like, yeah, I got it. Yeah, who cares? You know how the guy in, it's like that old trope where the guy puts the sandwich on the body? Mm-hmm. At the corner. To show how nonplussed he is about it. I could do that. That's crazy. And I'd be like, duh. Well, there's still a touching. Yeah, that's gross. It's not really the scent. Oh, man, never mind. I'd be like this. What am I doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They should write that scene in once. Just him go, did I put that down? Ew, yucky.

Why did I do that? Don't do that. He goes, I'm sorry. Yeah, you're right. I was trying to look cool in front of the hot detective. We got the hot detective. We flew in from the big city to solve this case. With an Italian last name. Italian last name. And our misogynistic chief doesn't think she can do it, but he has to take his cues from her. She's the boss. A lady? A detective with tits? Yeah. She's got tits and she's running the investigation? Yeah, right. Let's write a show called Tits. Tits. Tits.

tactical informational kind of like Charlie's Angels but they just get sent around the nation working for small time cops just misogynistic chiefs who don't understand I love it and yeah she's got we're basically writing a Cinemax show sounds awesome they peg the guy every time

They peg the guy and then, yeah, they just fuck other, you know. I would say maybe the cop comes in, maybe she fucks a fat podcaster or something. I'm just spitballing here. Maybe in every episode she fucks. It's being a different, like, it's being different, like, you know, Marvel makeup or whatever. Yeah. To look like a different guy. Oh, look, it's Thor this week. Ha, ha, ha.

I didn't realize with your success, I mean, before you owe Zempik it, you really are getting to look like a Cinemax producer. It's awesome, dude. It's awesome. You look like someone pitches you a detective movie. No, that's true. And I do want to lose weight because we're getting kind of, we're pushing it to the limit recently. Are you? Are you redlining? I'm feeling fatter than ever, brother. Yeah, but when you're going to get super skinny. I'm not going to get, you know, just skinny enough to make a football out of my loose skin. And then we're going to keep it regular. Uh.

But if you drop that much. That's true. I need the bold ponytail while I'm still fat. I can't. Skinny guy doing that, but you better be a whiz at computers. Here's the thing. I'm never getting skinny. I'm getting like not super fat. You don't think you can get jacked?

I think I get big-ass arms, but I got to keep a little belly, man. I can't let go of the belly. Come on, dude. I need this shit, dude. I can't have abs, dude. That would be fucked up. I want to get strong. I want to get big, but, you know, whatever. We're on the precipice of a... Everyone's... I know in the comments, oh, he's been trying to get jacked for eight years. He's been saying it since Comptown. I know, but we are... We should also say, actually...

Because this is... My special came out last week. Loved it. You know? The Fat Rascal. Go watch it, folks, on Netflix right now. And me and our boy Eldis here, the tour's over. We're not announcing another tour. We're announcing a tour in the spring, but it's not going to be for a while. So we're taking some fucking time off. And I'm going to get in there. I'm going to start...

You know? With the, you're going to get the zephyr? Get zamped up. I'm going to get zamped up. Get zamped up. Get zamped up. Get zamped up. You know what I have to do? Maybe I just have to get like extensions.

Because it's close. I mean, listen, look, look. It's not bad. Get the hair tip. Check it out. It's not bad. Get the space wig like I got. Look. Your ponytail ready. The ponytail. Check out the ponytail. The ponytail's good, but go get it. No, I don't want to. See, because the thing is, yours look great, by the way. But the thing is, here's my plan, Dan. And by the way, I did my plug. I also want to say, Dan's got a fucking podcast. I've probably been on it by now. Yeah, it's December. Yeah, you've done an episode. I've done an episode, yeah. You're ready to go. Yeah.

We're in the future. You know how this podcast works. Guys, Niners are killing it. Yeah, yeah. The Ravens. It's definitely not the bye week, and I'm not upset about the three-game skid. That was in the past. This is December. Lamar is a frontrunner for MVP. We all know that. All I want for Christmas is you, Chase Young. He has been outstanding since the trade. He's been the best trade. Best conditional third round. I know. Best conditional third round. I've got like three new bits. Yeah.

I don't know where they came from. They're so good. But they're you. But yes, do we have a name? Soder. Soder, love it. That's the thing. Don't overthink it, folks. First of all, I don't want to give people the false expectation that I'm suggesting starting a podcast if you're not already very funny. But you should. Don't get me wrong. I'm so late to the game. No, no, no. You're fine. You're the best. This podcast is going to be a huge success. You're one of the best people.

Honestly, the best podcast guest, the best podcast host, you're the king on pods.

But keep it simple. Soda. Yeah. It's you hanging out. It's only a half hour. People fuck with you. They like you. We'll see about that. I think 30 to 40. We're going to try to cap it at 40 for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to fucking... Keep it tight. Dude, I don't want these motherfuckers getting sick of me. Yeah. I'm sick of me. This is crazy. This is fucking... No one's sick of you. These motherfuckers have been listening to you for four hours. I know, but I just... You know when you...

You got to use your spider sense when you're just kind of like... I just have been feeling like comedy is so great right now. Yeah. I don't want to be Chicken Little. Something's coming up. But I just want to be like...

I have a feeling we're going to regress back to being club acts. Of course. I don't think this is going to continue forever. I'm not trying to blow my load right now. You need to fucking believe in yourself so much more. This pisses me off. This is a conversation for us off mic, but it's like you're the best, dude. You're the exception to the rule. You need to have a fucking... You're going to be fine because you're fucking hilarious and your podcast is going to be awesome. I taped an hour in Portland and I don't even like... I'm not even calling it a special. Yeah.

I swear to God. I, like, correct people in email chains where they're like, with the special, I go... With the hour. It's an hour. Because it's... I think it's like...

You know, I watched a lot of my friends, including you, put out hours on YouTube and I saw the effect of just like giving it right to the people. Yeah, yeah. And I probably could go and try to sell something to Netflix or Amazon. But I was like, dude, I've been behind paywalls on everything. Yeah. And this hour is good. I like the jokes. I want to put it out. Yeah. I don't want to make too much.

I'm going to go on podcast to promote it in February. It'll probably be coming out in February. God damn. Or March. Cool. But we taped it in November. Come back. Come back and fucking plug it for sure. So... But no, too much humility with this fucking guy, man. No, I genuinely am like... Because I know how I consume shit. Too much... This is what happens when you come from a broken home in a specific way. Broken home! Yeah.

No, man, I look at things different. It's all right. I'm not one of the best comics in the world. I'm just some guy. This is a guy whose father drank himself to death to Jimmy Buffett. If I've ever seen one. Dude, that's for sure. You know what? I'll be fine. I'll walk. You guys go. I need the exercise. This is a guy who's had to drive his dad back from the bar when he was 11 years old. I go, no, no, no. It's cool to miss birthdays. Birthdays...

Guys who celebrate birthdays with their dads are gay. Well, that's true. They are. That is where you're right. But no, dude, that's so fucked. By the way, sorry, RIP to Jimmy. How did that affect you? King Parrot? Yeah. He flew home. The parrot flew home, dude. Oh, he flew back to the nest? He's in the big nest in the sky. I immediately was like, dude, I don't know if I can do this joke now anymore, but...

I tried working on this bit and St. Germain tried helping me, but I never caught on. Yeah. Because I don't know if I've told this story on the bonfire. I might've told it on the bonfire, maybe on a podcast, but Jimmy Buffett,

I never knew he was like... He's a good businessman. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. He's like a really good businessman. He's like... He's a workaholic. Yeah. Was. He's a bunch of... He's a couple of licks. He's got a couple of licks. He's a bunch of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy Buffett was like... Had a successful...

Come on. She's good at marketing. Yes. Like Margaritaville. Margaritaville, yeah. A housing complex, restaurants. Yeah, yeah. There's a couple cheeseburger in paradise restaurants. Michelle Wolf used to work at Margaritaville in Vegas selling puka necklaces. Get the fuck out of here. I swear to God. That's fucking hilarious. So...

When I taped my HBO special in 2019, I did the joke about my dad being a Jimmy Buffett fan and drinking himself to death. Yep, yep, yep. And Sypha Sounds was DJing in the room. And Sypha, when I closed my show, I didn't ask him to do this. When I closed my show, he hit Margarita. Oh, that must have felt so good. And my mom was like...

Trish was like, that was incredible. You got to close the special with Margaritaville. And I was like, yeah, you're right. I definitely need to. So I asked HBO, I was like, can we get Margaritaville? Because we had just gone through the stuff of doing the opening. Because I had the 1984 opening for HBO special presentation. So we're having that conversation. And I was like, also...

Can I get margarita? These should be the, the perks of working with HBO. They should be able to get you big dick, like license and clearance stuff. Go clear me some fucking big dog shit. Yeah. You guys are HBO. I'm using my boy. Uh, I'm using my boy, Mark, uh,

Mighty Mark, Baltimore Club Music. We went to high school together. That's awesome. And I'm still happy. I would have done that just because that's my guy. But like, you know, I paid for the music out of pocket. Dude. But when you're with HBO, they should be able to get a couple, you know, they should be able to get Jimmy on the horn. 2016, I did an hour with Comedy Central. I wanted Queens of the Stone Age, You Can't Quit Me, Baby. Comedy Central was like, that's too much money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my friend, Kevin Sullivan, did a riff that sounded just like it.

Sully, my buddy from college, and it was awesome. Got to use that. HBO, I saw, I forget, I think it might have been Drew Michael. Someone used the special intro, and I was like, damn. But they used it from later in the 80s, and I was like, oh, I remember the one from like the mid-80s. And I asked HBO, and HBO was like, that was fine. And then I was like, can we use Jimmy Buffett, Margaritaville to close it? And they were like, we'll reach out. And they came back.

probably within two days and they're like $100,000. Oh my God, dude. To license that's $100,000. There's zero chance we're paying that. And I was like, that's fine.

Yeah. Fast forward to New York Comedy Fest, Nate Bargetze, back when he was doing Small Rooms. Yeah, yeah. Town Hall. Right, right, right, right, right. Next year you can catch him at MetLife. Yeah. For New York Comedy Festival. But he was at Town Hall and, you know, I wanted to go see him there because...

me and Nate saw Bill Burr there in like 09 and I was like I gotta see Nate of course so I go and Katie and I are like backstage with Nate and he's asking me about the edit because we haven't like locked the edit on the HBO special and I was like yeah man I want to use Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville yeah it's $100,000 and Nate being Nate is like oh man that's crazy man I got a buddy Greg who like is friends with Jimmy and

And I was like, oh, yeah. He's like, oh, yeah, like knows him, dude. And I was like, will you have him talk to me for me? He's like, dude, absolutely. He's like, let me reach out to him. And so like a week later, Nate hits me up and he's like, hey, I talked to him. He said, send Jimmy, like send an email and I'll give it to him. And then send me the bit that you do in your special so Jimmy can see it or whatever. And I was like, all right. And I wrote like,

in such book reporter, such book report voice. Like I sat down and was like, Mr. Buffett, I hope the sunshine is finding you and you found that lost shaker of salt. My name is Daniel Soder. I write him this email that's like, you know, my dad was a huge fan. Your music reminds me of him. You're right.

Really, like, a nice email. Tug it on the heartstrings, and it means something to you, for real. And I really, like, I really wrote a nice email, and I send the bit that I do about my dad and levels of dead dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I... Dude, I get a text from... Nate calls me, I think, and Nate's like, buddy, I'm just gonna send you what I got. And I was like... And I was like, all right. Yeah. And the first...

He sends me a screen grab of a text from his buddy Greg, and it's like, lovely email. Yeah, wow. Read the email. Lovely. Could tell this guy knows Jimmy's music. Knows Jimmy's music. This matters to him. Yeah. So I'm like, all right. We're cooking, baby. Then Nate sends me a screen grab, but it's two pictures, and it's a long text. Oh, no. And it just goes like, yeah, no, I just watched the joke. Yeah.

There's zero chance Jimmy's going to say yes to this. Jimmy doesn't like promoting alcoholism. Yeah, the joke is about your dad literally, Jimmy being the soundtrack to your father's cirrhosis. I think at one point in the joke, I called him the Pied Piper of cirrhosis. I don't know if that remained in the special. And so I saw that and I was like, I wasn't mad. Of course.

I was annoyed. Annoyed because it's like, yeah. Dude, your whole shit is booze. Yeah, Margaritaville. Yeah, what do you think happened? What do you think the guys do? You think there's all those men at your concerts with the noses that are giant red and flared up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's because they love sniffing stuff? Oh, yeah. You also don't want people promoting melanoma treatment. You also don't want people. He's like, don't bring up skin cancer. Don't bring it up.

No, no, no. We call tumors sun kisses. That's what we call them. It's like, dude, if you're going to put something out, at least if it has a downside, give us the, might cause alcoholism. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wasted away in a margarita. It's the coolest. In no way does Jimmy support or support alcoholism. Yeah, do not drink alcohol. Please drink responsibly.

Yeah, it was, but it made me be like, so I tried doing a joke about him being like a ruthless businessman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just never worked. Too fresh. I think the death is too fresh. I'm the mayor of Funtown. Do you think I got here being a bitch? You want Margaritaville, you get a pitch.

Get out of my beanbag chair and get the fuck... Take the slide to the parking lot. Go find my secretary parent. She'll lead you out. You hear that? Take a slushie on the way out. I just heard bongos. My three o'clock is here.

The steel drum means your time is up. Now take the jet ski and get the fuck out of here. Sir, you can leave that Mai Tai right where it sits.

You will not finish that piña colada. Give me back that leg. We don't do business with people who aren't chilled out. Whatever, man. May he rest in hell for not giving you that music. I love Jimmy Buffett. Legitimately, I've said it before and I'll say it again. He went to Paris as one of my favorite songs of all time. Yeah. Eldridge is a big parrot head himself. I saw him at Jones Beach a few years ago. With Huey Lewis opening?

No, I don't know if anyone was opening. We got there and it's like... You sure it wasn't Huey Lewis in the news? This dickhead missed Huey Lewis in the news. Because Big J and the whole Bonfire crew and I... Really? Was it 2015? No, no, no. It was like 2019. It was like outside. We got rained on for like the whole concert basically. It's unfortunate he's dead because the assembly of his fans... Yes. You could just hear all the... You could hear all the child support payments not being made. Yeah.

And by the way, white child support payments not being made. That's where you find them, folks. If you ever want to, if you want to, yeah, that's actually a good point. You're a fucking Long Island mom and your dad hasn't sent you money for school clothes? Put up a little cardboard box with a stick and play a Sonos speaker, portable speaker, play Margaritaville. You'll catch him. He comes out of the garage doing it?

- That's the way a prairie dog comes out. He goes, "Whoa, what's that? "Someone relaxin'?" Damn it, it's a trap. - It's a trap. - It's the salt trap that monkeys have. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hammock but it's just covered with like a mouse trap, like the glue. - We put the margarita, so you gotta understand, we put the margarita in the hole. Now, it's enough room for the hand to get through.

and crack a margarita but they won't let go of the margarita. I told you to give me the margarita. Give me the margarita bitch. He's used to trap monkeys.

Absolutely. That would fucking work. Yeah, dude, it is. It's flute music. It's beautiful, man. For her fucking divorce marriage. Beautiful, beautiful, yeah. Maybe some plugs there, too. Yeah, going back to our plug conversation, I have my hair goals figured out, right? I'm going to let the bald pony go for a while. Then I'm going to go blonde after that, okay? Going to go blonde once it's nice and long, right? Yeah.

Then I think it's time for wigs. Then I think it's time for toupees. - Honestly, I didn't see it coming. It's like when they made the Doritos taco at Taco Bell. - Yes, yes, yes. - You were like, this was inevitable.

You and a toupee? I think it's... But they're high quality toupees. Dude, I'm talking about the ones where they do the video where it shows them like buzz your head. Yep, yep, yep, yep. And then you turn around. Yep. And pull the tooth out for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, and in the way. And then, by the way, when I'm like...

60 70 That's when I get plugs Zig while they zag brother crazy amount. Absolutely. Oh, yeah, she is fuck crazy I might get I might get my hair completely and then just get like cuz like like a Puerto Rican guys like yeah It's kind of like half between white and black hair kind of wavy crunchy. I just have like a fro out here My scalp dealer told me he was like your shits gonna get thinned out. Mm-hmm

when you get older. So I could just double down again. Double down, brother. But I'm good. Yeah. I just wanted to ride out my 40s. Of course. That's fair. With a space wig. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks great. When I come back to Earth in my 50s and 60s, I'm just going to let it go. I respect that. I just can't be looking like a white Sam Cassell quite yet. No, I feel you on that. That's why I say...

Because that's kind of I feel like what I did now is like when everybody buzzed, I was like, no, we're growing out. And so that's why I think when everybody has let it go, that's when I come through with just the most luscious head of hair. I have a joke right now about how hair surgery is the new fake tits. It's for men what women went through in the 90s. Interesting. With fake tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's working. It's abundant now. Dude, now you get these. I got a big old set of honkers on my head. Yeah.

I got the one they put under the muscle. Yeah. I'm going to love your toupee, because you can get crazy. I will get out of control with it. Get that Alabama quarterback. Yeah. The old Bieber. Get the swoop. You got to get the swoop. So you just push it over. Oh, I love that, man. Yeah. Yeah, we got a lot of options.

So we'll see. I have it all planned out. And that should ride us out, I think. Dude, you're getting jacked, though. We'll get, you know. Here's the thing. When you start seeing results...

It's just going to be if you can hit that overdrive. This has happened to me before, and literally what happened is stand-up comedy ruined my life. Because I got sick. It was during the pandemic. And then I hit the road, and I was doing good. And then it was just like, and then it was clips. And that kind of started blowing me up where I was like, I'm adding shows. And then it was the special. And then it was like,

I was going to take a break and I was like, well, I can't take a break now. And eating on the road does make it. But it's, you know, whatever. This is well-trod territory. I've talked about this all the time. Yeah. But yeah, no, I'm going to. Tasty treats on the road do rule. I do love a nice treat. What's your sluttiest little favorite treat? Because that's the thing I like about you. You are not, you're not, you never were fat either, right? No, I'm skinny fat. But like you do have an appreciation for treats. Well, because I'm an alcoholic. Right, right.

Right, right. I was just talking to Julian McCullough about that. When you drink... I didn't understand people that ate desserts when I drank. Oh, interesting. I was like, what are you, a child? Wow, really? And then I quit alcohol and I was like, I want ice cream and cookies and brownies. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. My shit, though, that I like is I like one chocolate, like when I'm on the road, like in Phoenix. Sure. I'm in Phoenix. I was in Phoenix back in the day. Yeah, yeah. Back in November. But I get...

On Friday, I'll get like one chocolate thing and one sweet or sour thing. Like I'll get like a gummy or like airheads. Yep, yep, yep. And then I'll get like a Snickers or, so I need both. I'm more of a chocolate man myself. I love chocolate. I need to get a chocolate. But I like to end with like Welch's fruit snacks. Healthy. Yeah. Yeah.

That honestly is where I'm like, it's not that bad. You know what I like to get at the airport? Because we're in airports so much. Yeah, of course. You can find candy. So now I know if I'm going to LaGuardia, there's one stop where I can get these chocolate-covered cashews. And I'll be like, well, this is my bag for the weekend. I love that shit. And then I'll give myself the weekend to eat the bag.

I will never, the bag will not make it off a plane. I promise you that. I have to put it in my bag that's hard to get to. Yeah, smart. In a compartment that's stuffed with some charges on top of it. You got to give yourself a little obstacle course for sure. And then I get to the hotel and when I unpack, I'm like, well, hi. Yeah. Do that one clean rip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

What the fuck? What the fuck? Oh, fuck. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

But sometimes if there's like good desserts at the club or if there's like a restaurant that's close to the club that has desserts, I'll do that. Like a cheesecake or something. Because I love coming back to my hotel room and watching YouTube. Yes. Oh, really? And eating snacks. Do you have like a go-to YouTube? I've weirdly become like learning about like real ancient history or like getting into like Gnostic shit about like early religious shit. That's so much better than what I do. What do you do?

wrestling documentaries. Hell yeah. And was Vince McMahon pissed at him? Well, you could tell because he had to drop the Intercontinental title a week later. Yeah, yeah. Or I'll put on why movies weren't made. I love these little documentaries about like why, what's his name? Who does the robot productions? He did Star Wars. He came back and did, not Lucas, but

I'm not sure. You guys know who I'm talking about. He did Lost and... Oh, J.J. Abrams? J.J. Abrams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, why didn't J.J. Abrams... Bad Robot. He was supposed to do Batman Year One. Or Darren Aronofsky. That's who it was. Oh, nice. He was supposed to do Batman Year One. And so I love... I'll watch a 12-minute documentary and be like, oh, well, that's cool. I didn't know that all fell apart because of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was cast? Who was supposed to play Batman? Right, right, right.

It's useless. I don't even remember it. See, I don't... I'm a big Food Network on the road. I love Guy... Dude, when I see my Guy guy... Guy guy, yep. Guy's Grocery Games. Guy Fieri. Dude, I just love Triple D's. Triple D's a banger. The whole Guy Fieri cinematic universe...

I just need a bitch that's down to watch guys' grocery games for me. It's chopped for the common man. It really is. If chopped is too much for you. It's Walmart chopped. In your basket is chipped beef, pastry dough. I just love Guy Fieri doing the older white guy hanging out with a young black. He loves doing that. You know what you put on this

my guy he's the king though dude because it works it shouldn't work like the chain he wears I love it it's so it's what like Migos would wear that chain I love it 100% and he's just wearing it this Chipotle sauce you're like I believe you he's the fucking man when I was in I went to Italy

with this girl I was dating and we were like trying to watch TV and all that was on was Italian diners driving. Oh, hell yeah. It was called Travolta con Guy. Travolta con Guy. And I was like, Travolta con Guy. Wait, did they have their own Guy Fieri? No, it was Guy Fieri dubbed in Italian. Ah. Ah.

He's like, buffalo chicken nachos? Yeah, yeah. I love when a country has their own bootleg version of something. That's awesome. The office did it in every country. Dude, Greek TV used to just take... There was a Greek version of Friends where they just combined Joey and Chandler for... They copied the whole show, but weirdly combined these pivotal characters. Budget. And it was just like, it makes no sense because they're giving them both...

Like both plot lines and they just didn't... And they called it The Buddies. So when you guys would go over there, like when you would visit when you were a kid and you would see that, you'd be like, this is friends. I was like, this is friends. And there was an old guy, I think his name was Lefteris Pandazis, who he would just take every number one hit and just steal the music and just would release it in Greek. He was doing it so long, it started with like, you know, it would be like...

I don't know, like some kind of like rock hit, like a... I don't even know what... And he was like an old traditional like folk music guy. Yeah. Who then by the end of his career was just taking literally Akon songs. That's so funny. He was just taking like the melody from Akon songs. That's so fucking funny. And then he had rappers. And the best part in Greece is they just get any black guy to rap. It's not... He's not even sort of famous. They just get like a black guy who raps...

In England or Germany or something. And no one knows what they're saying. And it's just like the corniest black dude you've ever seen in your life. I want to look up some Greek music videos. Yeah. What's this guy's name? Pull him up, Ellis. Lefteris Pandazis. Yeah, you got it. Pandazis. There he is. I think that's him. Yeah, dude. Dude, look at his little goatee arrow. Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. Yeah. Play me one of the hits. Play something nice, dude.

Go to the videos. Maybe it'll do. I think that go down. No, no, it was there. It was there. Go down, motherfucker. One more right there. Videos. I believe this is a ripped off song, too, but I don't remember. This isn't stolen, I don't think.

Fuck, but he had a good one. It's like Techno Robin, right? Yeah, dude. We might have to cut this from the YouTube release. We could probably do it on the audio.

Just a little taste, whatever. Yeah, he's the man. They would just do shit like that. I love that. But yeah, we would go to Greece. He looks like Count Dracula. Oh, dude, yeah. He's fucking awesome. He's like, what? You don't like the fact that I don't do day concerts? I will get burned by the sun. Yeah, dude. He's had a career for like 100 years. It's fucking awesome. I've lived for thousands.

I steal the blood of the living like I steal the hits of today I think he was doing like the Dido song that Stan is based off of he's like dear Eminem dear dear leftist I wrote you hey Em I called you my friend where the fuck you are I tell you

I tell you, you come to the place, I buy you souvlaki, we get pushy together. Em, I'm not going to write too much anymore for you. I come to your house with baseball bat. Tears don't come on me, what? Hey Em, I went by your house again. What are you doing? I told you. You hide. You hide from me. You don't hide from Lefteri. Lefteri find you, Eminem. Tears don't come on me.

You think I'm scared of you? Oh, you have black friends? I'm scared. I'm not scared of black guy. I beat black guy up. You are pissing me off, Malaga. I will find you, Eminem, and then when I see you, it is not good for you. It will be very bad what I do to you. Now, write me back. Hey. Hey.

I fuck you. I fuck you, Eminem. You tell me I interesting. I very something interesting to you. My dick your mouth, man. Yes, so far you agree.

I love you. I love you, Leftris, PNCZ. How do you say that? Lefteris Pandazis. Lefteris. Lefteri. Oh, yeah. What was your Greek landlord's name? You had one for years. I had an Italian one. Oh, you had Italian. Yeah. Wow. Anthony. Down over on 31st Street. Hey, Dan. I still see the place. I'd be like, Anthony, the bathroom's broken. He'd be like, hey, Dan, I'm on Long Island today. Hey, Dan.

And I know you think I'm doing a stereotypical voice. Yeah. If we brought Mike Vecchione in here right now and shut his eyes and I called his phone and I'd be like, hey, Mike, it's Anthony. I'm not going to be able to get there today. I know the door is busted wide open. I know there's a draft coming through the windows. We got, when I first moved in there, someone broke into our back window. And we were like, Anthony, what the fuck? And he was like,

Yeah, I don't know. I'm going to put bars up on the inside of your windows. The inside? So in the master bedroom, there were just bars. There's bars open. Like a weird little cage around? Like you have to have to see the bars? Why do I feel like he's like, no, no, no. I'm trapping him in here with you. You're like an animal, you know? This is like a beware of dogs sign.

It's like, you get in there, and there's going to be boys. It's boys. You don't want it, pal. I lived there for 15 years. 15? Holy fuck. I still see the place. I shed a little tear every time I walked by. The 2555, the El Jefe Dojo. Yeah, it was awesome, dude. I fucking, I loved that place. I lived very poor there. Of course. And then it was weird to like...

It felt like I was always a waiter. Yeah. Listen, who are you talking to? Yeah. I'm in the same apartment I've been in since I moved to... Now, we've turned one of the rooms into a fucking studio. Yeah, but I feel like that's... But in there, it feels the same. I like that. Yeah. There's something about that that I like. Grounded. Yeah, you feel... It's like...

I mean, living under the train sucked ass. The train was, yeah. But I liked the apartment. I liked everything that was around. I mean, you know, I was single. Yeah. So that's like different. Now I have a fiancé. Kind of a tough thing to bring...

Oh, I had one girl that just wouldn't come to Queens. Oh, yeah, but she was a dumb bitch also. But then, like, it was really funny watching our roommate, Handsome Pete. Yes, because at one point, you lived in, like, a little closet. I lived in the windowless room for eight years. Eight years? Eight of the 15. I lived in the windowless room one year, and I almost killed myself. You lived in the windowless room for eight years? I did eight. I did eight.

I did eight, maybe seven. I did one year in the second room. There was three rooms. There was the master bedroom, the second room, and then the closet. Yeah. I did the first year there, then moved to the second room, then came back for... Humbling. Humbling. I mean, I came back for seven years. Yeah, damn. And then I moved. Vecchione and I were going to leave the apartment and go get a two-bedroom, but it was...

more expensive to get a two bedroom than stay in our bedroom. So we were just at, you know, handsome Pete already had a new place. Yeah. He used to pull club. I'm talking about dance club level tens. Yeah. Yeah. To come back and just from Manhattan, he would bring them back crazy. And I'd be smoking a cigarette out front. Cause we'd get home late. Yep. And they'd come in and I'd be like,

What are you doing here? It was even the master. Trains going by. I was smoking like, hi, I'm Dan. I was saying this to Julian and Katie the other day, but Nate stayed with us. This is like right when he left New York. He came back and stayed with us on our couch. Hilarious. And Pete pulled a girl while Nate was there. So funny. And Nate, they go back to the bedroom and Nate's talking to Vickie on the night. He goes, how does she explain that to her friends?

Like, how does she explain this setup? There's a guy that just sleeps in a closet. And then there's, I think, a former Mr. Pennsylvania. That's really called Becky Ode. I'll never forget that. Yeah, dude. It was one of those situations where finally when I moved into the regular bedroom there, I was like, oh, this is livable. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, it's luxury. Because I couldn't shut the door of the windowless room. It was too hot. It was horrible.

You couldn't shut the door in your apartment. If you shut the door, there was no circulation. Ventilation whatsoever. And there was only a heater. Those kind of heaters. Oh, no, dude. And so it would just get... In the winter... You must... Did you ever get pussy in that room? Yeah, I had girlfriends. They would come and fuck in there. I had two long-term girlfriends in that... And they would fuck in the closet.

Shut the door and be like, girl, this is about to be some pit crew shit. Lucky for you, it's only going to go about four minutes. And then we'll be catching a breeze. And then we're going to have to open it up and the smell of sweaty skin. It smells like pussy. You just open up the door. It smells like nuts.

Man, there's a fresh oven in a fresh fucking batch. Handsome Pete comes out like a fucking character, like a cartoon smell on a window, a pie on a windowsill. Someone just got some pussy. It's funny, the bathroom was by his room, so you would walk by and just hear like... All the time. That's fucking awesome. All the time. I'd be playing like Madden or NCAA and I'd pause it and just hear like... You're like...

Shut up, bitch. I'm about to be Alabama. Everyone in this apartment heard everybody. Fuck, I'm pretty sure. I heard Eldest's pathetic stroke. I'm sure Vecchione's heard mine. I've heard his. I've heard...

Yeah. You're not truly boys until you know the BPM that your roommate fucks at. Or you just hear him go, oh. Oh, yeah. That was horrible. Hearing eldest come, honestly, I heard it once, one time, and it really legit fucked me up for two weeks. I was bummed out for two weeks hearing, like, a guttural-ass, like, eldest come. He was like, oh. You know what's funny is you hear... It fucking pissed me off, dude. The thing that makes me laugh is the come...

And then the silence, and then you hear them be normal again. Oh, yes. Where you hear like... Where you hear like just laughter. Where you hear the frantic energy of like... Yeah. And then you're like... Yeah, yeah. Then it's quiet and like... Yeah, that shit sucks. You're right. Yeah.

I know. Those are moments that you should never, we should not have been privy to those. Fucking is one thing, man. That's animalistic. I can live, I can just, but yes, the aftermath, just the polite conversation. Have you ever sent a picture that isn't sexual but cute to a guy friend by accident?

Oh, like a cute little selfie of yourself? That is brutal. Dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did this happen in 2015? Yeah. It was like Thanksgiving in 2015. Yeah. I sent one to St. Germain. Just like you with your mom. Me and my grandma's dog, and I was like, what did I do?

That wasn't for me. Was it? And I was like, oh shit. You got to play it off. You got to be like, yeah, it was. Pretend. I love you. I love you. You're my friend. I love you. I've been in love with you this whole time.

I'm just gonna go gay. I'm gonna go gay. Maybe Dan and I will have a nice life. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, that's... Were there any, like, really atrocious situations you were in, fuck-wise, where it was like, I can't go back to the, like, closet, so I'm in a random hookup, and you've ended up in just a horrible apartment of a girl's, or like... Oh, yeah. There was one where I hooked up with a girl in Brooklyn at...

like after the knitting factory and we got

blind drunk yeah yeah yeah and then we're at we went back to her apartment and i woke up in the middle of the night and i it was a railroad style apartment and it was in the middle room oh no it was black it was because there's nothing in there yeah it was kind of similar to the closet room i live in yeah yeah where i just woke up pitch black yeah and then i just touched a person and i was like oh shit oh shit and i was like it was like four o'clock in the morning and i was like

And then I found my jeans on the floor and pulled my phone out. That wasn't even the worst part. Yeah. It was guessing which door. Oh, no. Went out. Which way is out. There's no daylight. There's no clues. Yeah, it goes.

Oh my God. And then just opening the first door and then seeing it's windows on the other side. You're like, you have to go out the other side and then go through the kitchen. But that was brutal. I don't miss that stuff at all. Oh my God. I'm trying to remember. I mean, there were definitely some fucking places where I, you know what I remember? I remember a bathroom where I couldn't get hard and I was like hitting my dick on the sink. It's trying to get it hard. Like you're opening a hard, a tough bottle of ketchup. Yeah.

You're like, come on. I'm like, come on, dude. Come on, dude. Come on. I'm like, oh, I got to use the bathroom. She's been sucking on my limp penis. Oh, my God. Wet noodle. Giving a girl a wet noodle for more than a minute. You're like, I'm really sorry. Because obviously they want to see progress. Yeah. But I could sketch you that bathroom. I don't remember what the girl looked like. I don't remember what the fucking bedroom looked like. But that bathroom. And then there was like an atrocious basement. Eldest, I know you fucked in some horrible places.

I mean, my... You were playing a lot of home games? I don't know. You never fucked away? I did a few times, but... I mean, it's more like...

I guess the places were pretty weird. It's always weird when you fuck someone, like, they have, like, a fuck ton of roommates. Yeah, yeah. Oh, just meeting everyone the next day? Oh, meeting everyone's brutal. Hey, how are you? Sometimes they'll be like, who'd you guys last night? And you're like... Yeah. Just seeing these people, like, Sunday, Saturday morning, like, on their day off, and they're just, like, hanging around making some weird little breakfast. Yeah. I was always the roommate.

Yes. I was always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I was always the guy that was like, especially when I drank, I would wake up on Saturdays really looking forward to getting fucked up and watching college football. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Saturdays for me were about getting drunk. Just hammered. Because I wasn't doing real spots in the city. Weirdly, when you first start comedy, weekends are...

You're off. You're off. Monday through Thursday. You have no spots. No one gets... Like, you're lucky to get a guest spot or a fucking check spot. So, yeah, you can kind of... So, I would do check spots on Friday nights. Okay. And that would be like... I'd be like, all right, I got Saturday into Sunday so I can get banged up on Saturday and then rest all day Sunday. Yeah.

I love it. Just an addict's mind of like, it's going to be two days. That's two out of the seven days of the week. Yeah. Just dedicated to drinking. By the way, I'll be getting fucked up the other days too. You know what I mean? But two out of seven, just those are gone. List and I would always talk about how we'd take Sundays off and then on Mondays be like, dude, we're so healthy. We're going to get fucked up. Yeah.

Just not drinking one day a week. One day and then be like, we're fine. But on Saturdays, there'd be so many times I'd wake up in like crusty ass basketball shorts and like liquor tea, cigarette coming out of the windowless room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go outside and smoke and then come back in and there'd just be a hot girl in like Pete's t-shirt being like, hi, I'm Pete. And then you're like,

Hey. Hey, you're fucking the vibe. I think Pete and I were going to order brunch. And you're like, I was going to go get Tall Boys of Budweiser. Do you like freezer vodka? I'm going to bet money with a guy that lives in Queens. This is before the apps. We were like, I'm going to put $100 down on Texas versus Oklahoma. Do you want to go to the liquor store with me? It was brutal.

It was always like, because you're showing someone you don't care about. Yeah. But you have to impress them. You extra don't care about them. The guy, your friend who fucked them doesn't care about them. You don't care about them. You're like, lady, you're going to be gone. Oh, man. The small talk elders has made me make with just some dumb bitches. Oh, man.

You go, yeah, yeah. No, but you know what I will say? You're probably the only one who really made me make small talk. Christina, not really. She was actually pretty quickly in a serious relationship when she was in here. Wasn't out here really slanging random whores. And then our friend, Big, maybe he did a little bit, but you really were the one who I actually put some, like, sitting on the couch watching a show with some bitch. Oh, that's...

Dude, the funniest ones is the dating. Eldest couldn't tell this bitch to get out, and I had to fucking sacrifice an afternoon of just chilling. Eldest was like doing something in his room, and he wasn't even like dating her. It was just some girl he fucked like twice. And you got to watch a show on like AMC that you've ever watched. Yeah. Right?

Might as well put on Blue's Clues for him. You're like, do you want screen time? Hey, you fuck my roommate. You want screen time? If you're good, I'll give you screen time. Just every moment passing is another thing I'm holding against Eldest. It's like the how much am I going to go off on him meter going up and up. You made me do this shit.

Did you ever, because I play video games, and so the worst was like, I didn't have a TV in the box, so I wanted to play video games. Yes. And if they were like chilling on the couch, you'd be like, you're like a little kid, you're like,

Are you guys done? It's my turn. Dude, the worst. I mean, dude, we had at a certain point. Or a girl would come in and go like, are you playing Spider-Man? And you're like, yes. Yeah, dude. When this bitch is roasting you, you're like, you're getting robbed by my idiot friend.

And you have that in your back pocket. You're like, my friend who's pretty fat and doesn't, and is a loser, is about to ghost you, bitch. I know this. Why don't you quiet down? You want to hit him with the Forrest Gump? Where do you go? Where are you playing video games? You go. I know his dick ain't that big, bitch. You're a bad actor. That's so funny. You don't even look up. You go, do you think he's going to text you back? It's just...

You got a better chance to get a text back than I do of beating Doc off over here. It's so fucking funny. Oh, fuck. I totally forgot about that feeling until we just talked about it. Dude, I know. I've heard being like, are you playing video games? You go, bitch, I'm 14 and 3 with the Niners. It's wild card weekend, whore. I don't know. I'm on the way to the Super Bowl. What did you do? Just get fucked and now you're going to go have eggs that are 20 bucks?

One time he brought two... One time he brought Pete, handsome Pete, brought home two girls. Wow. My girlfriend and I were in the closet asleep and he had to leave the door open and they brought in like a circus and it was like 4 a.m. And I remember my wallet was on the coffee table and I was like, these Slytherin ass hoes. So he brought two... He fucked two bitches? Probably. He had two... Or they had a bunch of friends with them. No, it was him and two girls. Respect, man. And then I...

I was like, well, my wallet's out there. Yeah. There's $4 in there. Yeah. There's $4. I opened the door with that face. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just remember I opened the door and one of the girls goes, it's a party. And I go, oh. I got my wallet and went back in there. And then the girl I was dating was mad. She was like,

One of those girls out there and you're like, bitch, you saw what just happened. Come on. What do you think? I'm going to get sucked off while I'm going to get my wallet? Dude, the most angry I've ever... And Pete and I are still friends. But the most angry I ever was at that dude. Ever.

was when I worked on that Guinness. I did that Guinness job. And they had me gone for like two and a half weeks. And I came home and it was a Saturday. And I was like, it was the UFC. Anderson Silva was when Chris Weidman and Anderson Silva fought. Oh, that was a good fight. And Anderson Silva's leg broke. Yes. And Ronda Rousey was like defending her belt. And I was like, dude, I had that day planned out. I landed at like 630.

8 p.m. Yeah, you were going to slide right in. I was going to get a sandwich from Anthony and Frank's, RIP, right on 23rd Avenue. I had everything planned. I was like, this, this, this. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. I was waiting at the baggage carousel for my bags, and I had this feeling of like, what if this motherfucker has people over when I go? Dude, I show up at my apartment. The door's open.

i walk in i walk in it's about nine o'clock i walk in the pay-per-view is on right it's being recorded but my couch my like sectional couch filled with people i don't know i don't know any of these people i look in the kitchen four people i don't know i look to the pete's bedroom it's the doors open there's people in there but i don't know anybody and i have like a big suitcase yeah yeah yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just me coming in a little hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who are you? Who are you people? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Pete's friend that I knew was like, hey, hey, hey. So Pete just left. Pete wasn't even there. I was going to meet a girl. And I was like, then you guys need to get the fuck out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. I was like, I was so mad. Yeah. I put my shit in the windowless room, shut the door. I was like, I'm going to take a walk. I'm going to smoke a cigarette. Yeah. When I come back.

Nobody be here. Yeah, yeah. And the guy was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, guys, we got to leave. Pete's roommate wants us to leave. Yeah. Dude, I came home so angry, ate my sandwich, watched the pay-per-view. Anderson Silva and Chris Weidman started fighting. Pete came in through the door, and we just attacked each other, like, verbally. Like, started screaming at each other. He opened the door, and I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck?

We started yelling at each other. Middle of the argument, Anderson Silva's leg snaps. And we're like, oh! Yeah, that was a tough one. It stopped. His leg breaking saves our friendship. No, that was one of the most jarring moments ever. It turned into like a wet noodle. It was fucked up looking, dude. But dude, he did it. We were both like, oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh! He's totally in the wrong. And then we were both like, I guess, yeah, no, he's totally in the wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I was like, you're not allowed to have people over anymore. Yeah. He's like, what? I was like, you're not allowed to have people over. Yeah, I love that because you had the moral high ground. Then you're like, now you can't do, now you're being a dickhead. Like, you can't tell somebody he's not allowed to have people. You're not his dad. By the way, he's in the master bedroom. You're in the closet. And I was saying it like his father. I was like, you're not allowed to have people over.

I pay $400 in rent here. I will not be disrespected. I sleep in a hammock up on the ceiling.

Oh, fuck, dude. There's nothing worse than that feeling. And we had at a certain point, there's five people living here. And dude, same thing, coming back from the road, I'm not doing well. I'm making maybe $1,000 for the whole weekend. And that's before expenses. And I have it in my head, there's a

NBA game I want. Yeah. And I just want to chill out. Something to eat. You have a specific local food? I have a specific thing I'm ready to order and there was nothing worse than like open the door up and it was like oh this guy's fucking on a date. He's showing some bitch like a fucking you know Brian De Palma some art house shit that you can tell he's trying to fuck or are other roommates like watching

watching like video people play video like twitch stream like that shit or like it was always like oh no and there was so many of us but when i was growing up my mom's boyfriend would watch yukon women's basketball

And I would come home from my friend's house. What the fuck? I mean, look, they are good. But actually, back then... But he went to UConn. No, they were good. They were like... What years were you talking? We're talking late 90s. This was when Dynasty started. Yes. Gino Ariyama, running shit. Gino just got in there. I gotcha. He was running shit. But it's... Because, like, look, on the East Coast, I remember UConn women's hoop. But to do that... But he went to UConn? But come on, you're in fucking Colorado. But he was from Connecticut. And then we... Dude, dude.

Oh, that's brutal. We would fucking... I would come home from a friend's house, like hungover. Yeah. Like teenage drinking. Oh, no. And I'd come home and I'd be like, I'm going to watch some college football or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. NFL. I forget what it would be. Whatever sport I wanted, NBA. Yeah. I'd come home and he'd be like, UConn's playing Miami women's. And you're like...

And by the way, it's like, it's one thing if they're in the final four. Rebecca Lobo, balled out. But here's the thing. Regular season, UConn was smashing everyone. They're not even interesting games. The scores were like 76 to 34. Yeah. You're like, I don't want to watch this. I'm not trying to watch this. What the fuck you got me watching, Joe? Yeah.

Fuck Joe, man. Fuck Joe. All right, let's fuck. We could talk forever, Danny. It's effortless, but let's solve some of these motherfuckers' problems. Let's do it. Let's get it. Dial us up, Eldis. All right, Stompy, baby. I got one for you. Probably a pretty easy answer. Not going to lie. Okay, we'll see about that. Because I'm not a retard, but I am. So my wife thinks that I don't drink. Awesome. Awesome. Or at least during the weekdays. Pause this. But I do. Every day on the way out.

I'm not a retard, he says. He is living just one of the most fundamental lies possible. His wife doesn't know he drinks. It's also... Yeah, is that even true? You're doing a thing that makes you sloppy. Right. You're gonna fuck up. Yes, yes. This is the... Insane. Yeah. Anyway, sorry. Keep playing it. So, my wife thinks that I don't drink.

or at least during the weekdays, but I do every day on the way home. On the way home? I also take Xanax, smoke weed, which last night she found some Xanax, and she kind of brushed it off, which is a little sus, if you ask me. So she's sus. I don't know. I told her my birthday was last weekend, one of my buddies gave it to me, blah, blah, never took it. She believed the shit, as far as I know. Everything is, you know, I'm just...

wondering what would your opinion on this whole situation be? Lying to your wife about your substance abuse issues? Can I tell you...

You know what I'm saying? But I don't want to do that. I'll be straight up and honest. Oh, you don't want to stop. What would your advice be for this? It almost sounds like he might have been fucked up when he made this message. Absolutely. He goes, also, why don't we ever hang out anymore? It's like, dude, you don't even fucking hit me up. And I always check our texts. It's a bunch of blue, and you never hit me back. I got those fire memes I'm sending you.

And you're just over here just not responding. This is crazy. I have been in... Let me tell you something. Yes, please. I know how this man's brain works. Please. Because what he's doing is he's not calling for advice. He's calling hoping someone greenlights him staying getting fucked up. Right. This guy wants someone to be like... Nah, dude, she's a bitch. Bro. She doesn't get you, bro. You're cool. Hiding getting fucked up is the coolest. Yeah. Yeah.

Pouring Mad Dog into your work thermos and drinking it on the bus home. That's what a cool guy does. Chop a whole thing of Altoids so it doesn't smell like it. Eating peanut butter and then brushing your teeth. That's cool. You...

Either stop getting fucked up or tell your wife you are getting fucked up. Yeah, that's the thing here. It's like... It doesn't matter. Your wife can't be your fucking parent. Yeah, she's not your mommy. You can't be acting like this, bro. It stands exactly... You're 100% right. But I think...

I think first and foremost is being honest with your wife. Just being like, yo, I like to get fucked up. Because if you married her, she should know that. But it's also like... There's nothing better than telling your wife something or girl something and she knows you. And she goes like, well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I'll be burned out on the road and I'll be like, hey, I just want to come home and I'm going to get stoned and order pizza. And she's like, yeah, I know that. Yeah. And you're like... I was assuming that's what you were going to do. I love you. Yeah.

But you gotta just rip the bandaid and tell her. Like, you hiding, like, that Xanax thing of you being like... That's... Dude, imagine lying to your wife like that. Be like, oh, that's crazy. What's the point? What are those? Those are Xantex? Those heartburn pills? Also, but I do love him being like... And then she brushed it off, which...

Suspect, if you ask me. Yeah, I know. What a piece of shit. You're like, dude, you're being the shady. You're lying to her about this. Just tell her the truth and be like, yo, I like to get fucked up. And I don't want to stop because he said that. I'll be straight up on it. He's like, but I don't want to do that. See, the thing, I wonder if the implication here is that he knows his wife wouldn't approve, right? If that's what's going on here. He might have a problem and she might know that. Right, and that's the other thing is like,

A, you have a problem. I mean, there's no way around it. You're fucked up right now. Let me say it right now. He's definitely fucked up, Colin. Sneak drinking? Sneak drinking. Sneaking getting fucked up is the first sign that you're like, why am I sneaking this? Yeah, sneaking anything, dude. Sneaking fucking... You know how many times I've eaten Oreos really fast? Like, not even like...

By the way, I've been... I remember stealing cookies when I was a kid and taking them to the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sitting on the toilet eating cookies. Putting trash... Eating something and then putting different trash on top of it so no one knows it's there. Good job. Covering the wrapper with, like, fucking coffee grounds. Yeah, you go... Doing a pot you have no intention of drinking. That's your burning off the fingertips. Yeah. Cut the head and the hands off. They got no way of identifying you.

Who had this delicious snack. So, yeah, dude, I think there's a couple big issues here. A, you have a problem, but more than that, it's like, what is the point? Now, look, I've only had, you know, one serious relationship. I've only dated anybody for like a real time. There's been like one serious relationship, maybe three or four total girls I've dated. I'm not the most like, I don't have the most, you know, experience with monogamy here, right? Mm-hmm.

But what's the point of being married if you have to fucking hide, drink? Like, isn't the whole point that this person is your fucking... Yeah. This is like, you know, you guys are basically partners in this shit. Listen, you broke... You could do white lies to just smooth this shit over, but this shit's crazy. Well, here's also the thing is you got to give this guy a little bit of the benefit of the doubt. Sure. We don't know. They might have gotten married young. Sure, that's fair. They might have had kids. There might be a lot of factors that we don't know about. You're right, you're right. But...

From our perspective, the reason we left a message, both of us agree, between my little mini-bots. Yes, yes, yes. Both of us agree, you got to tell your wife. You got to tell your wife you're getting fucked up. Or stop. If you don't want to tell her, stop. And if you don't want to stop, tell her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One's got to happen. Yes, and honestly, stopping without telling her, the reason I say tell her is because stopping in secret...

It's borderline impossible. It's almost worse than getting fucked up. Yeah, because now you're irritable. She's like, why is he being an asshole? You might relapse. You know what I mean? I was anti-barring and fucking smoking doinks. Yeah, which is awesome. It is awesome. That's the hard part of all this stuff. It's rules. There's also a chance that she understands and you can taper it down. Exactly. And look, tell her one way or another, in my opinion, because it's like, you're right, we don't know all the specifics. No. But...

It will lead to what has to happen. Yeah. Bro, if you're with somebody who like just... And I'm not saying I approve fully of your lifestyle. I don't know exactly what's going on with you. But if you're with somebody who would find this kind of behavior abhorrent, then maybe this isn't the person for you or who wouldn't at least understand you and try and help you or whatever. If they're like...

You have to, you know, this has to come to the surface one way or another. And how you deal with it as a couple is, I think, pretty instructive of whether you guys should even be together, right? Yeah, you're going to know if you love her or not. I mean, you're going to know if you guys are still in it together if you can tell her this. Because also, look at it from her perspective. It's like, you've just been sneaking. You know, you've been hiding this from me for how long? And then once you're hiding something like this...

You do kind of break the general trust of like, well, is he cheating? Is he like, is he, you know, is he even like, you know, it's like, what else? You're hiding something like this. What else could you be hiding? Your trust is going to be gone. That's what I'm saying. You kind of have to get ahead of this with being like, hey, I don't know what happened, but recently my drinking has gotten under control. I was ashamed initially to tell you about it, but like, this is how I feel. To at least preserve the trust in the relationship. Yeah. And you not wanting to stop...

Buddy, I hate to tell you, I think we both are in agreement that you should at least, that should be your goal. Now, it's hard to stop, right? I'm not telling you cold turkey, quit everything. But if that's not at least your goal right now, if you're like, I'm awesome, lying to my wife and doing pills is cool, then maybe she shouldn't be with you for her sake, right? He's like, I love it. Yeah, it is. I can't get enough of it. Honestly, the fun's in the hunch. Yeah.

There's also the possibility that she knows and she's waiting for you to tell you say cuz you don't see Mike You fall asleep in your soup, but I think it's cuz you're tired. Yeah

Yeah, dude, there's a chance you're not. My guess is you're not exactly James Bond. Yeah. You're maybe getting caught here, but. Yeah, let me step away one second. Yeah, of course. I got to call into this thing. Dan, that's a very good point. I just, I kind of wanted to change my shirt and tell you about something you might not know about. And that's the easiest way to learn a language, folks. Dan, did you know that if you take a look at search trends.

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Eldest, what the heck are you doing over there, man? Sorry, dude. I'm just enjoying the refreshing-ass bong from fucking Freeze Pipe. From Freeze Pipe? Yeah. Are you serious? This thing's fucking awesome, dude. It really is. Scroll down so I can read the copy. You're telling me you're enjoying icy smooth clouds?

And you know what else? You know, people could also enjoy those and big savings this holiday season from our friends at Freeze Pipe. But you know what, man? I'm tired of you enjoying the makers of the coldest, smoothest hitting pipes, bubbles, and bongs. I want to do it. Yeah, dude, you got to try it. Plus, I heard they got crazy deals right now, too. They really do, and I do want to try it. In fact, perfect.

Oh, geez. You know, the magic of re-spipe is freezable glycerin chambers that come on every piece. Pop this glycerin chamber in the freezer for one hour. It instantly cools smoke by over 300 degrees. Now, we got high and forgot to put this in the freezer. This has only been in there for about 15 minutes. Still pretty fucking cold, though. Still pretty fucking cold, though. Pop this glycerin... But, yeah...

You know, the result is a bigger, smoother, ice-cold puff without the throat burn or coughing attacks. What you just saw was not an attack. That was merely a cough skirmish. And if we had had the pipe in for the entire hour, as it states, I would have been fine. But like I said, I got high, I fell asleep. I was watching Olympus Has Fallen with Gerard Butler, and I didn't put the freeze pipe back until I was like, oh, fuck,

You know, we got to record heads. I guess I got to smoke weed because it's part of my job. So we popped it in real quick. And that's what that's just I'm just kind of explaining. But don't you think for one second that this is not a superior product? Just clear the chamber.

Yes. Anyway, I love it. Eldest loves it. We've mentioned it many times. I've gotten some nice feedback from this is the most the product that I've gotten the most feedback on social media about.

People are loving the freeze pipe. If you need, if you want to, you know, little fucking... And it's not just bongs, by the way. They got bubblers. They got little joint coolers. We should use one of those to show you motherfuckers how that goes. I even think they have a vape attachment. Just scroll down for me, you little motherfucker. Stop twiddling your nuts. Ahem.

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Shop now at thefreezepipe.com. And if you see something you like that's not on sale, use code STAVVY for 10% off your entire order. That's thefreezepipe.com and code STAVVY for 10% off. Oh, Dan, I'm sorry. This is so rude. Do you want to hit the freeze pipe? You don't? You don't and you want me to put it away and change my shirt back? I guess. You're being a little rude, but I'm going to instantly forget it.

Thanks, folks. I just took a really fat shit and we're back. So fat. Yeah. Dan was holding my... He was coaching me through like Lamaze class. One, two, three. Here we go. Here we go. It's happening. Relax. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. They just heard... Yeah.

It's got my eyes. Oh, are you okay? Let me give you some ice chips. I'll get you some ice chips. Oh, fuck. All right, so yeah, good luck to our drunk friend, and let's see what we got now, Eldis. What's up, Stav? What's up, Eldis? What's up, man? What a fucking show. Thanks, man. I've been talking to her for a couple months. A couple weeks ago, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Love it. Love the all-inclusive wiener. Respect. Mm-hmm.

This guy is fucking awesome.

And thank you if you take my call, Patreon or not, I'm subscribed. What a guy. Gotta donate to the nation, baby. What a fucking guy. Real Florida trash checking out. Thank you. I could sense that. I was feeling a little panhandle trash. What's weird, the thing that's gonna stop me immediately is the...

He can't fuck the other girl. I know. So it's not a threesome. It's... That's the thing. Is the juice worth the squeeze here? Because now, can he get head from her? Can he just not put it in her push? Sounds like there's a... I mean, honestly... Listen, if I can suck on a titty and get my dick sucked by one girl... ...and then fuck a different girl, I'm okay. In fact, I had...

I've made a... I've talked about the three songs that have gone bad on stage because they're funny. I had a pretty nice... I mean, look, I had a pretty nice one where I only fucked... I had fucked the one of them before. Okay. And she was like, you should hang out with my friend and me. And I was like, hell yeah. And I fucked her friend and sucked on the other girl's tits. And by the way, my dick did let me down that day. It wasn't fully hard, but these girls were at masters. Like, they were just...

She, oh. Legion of doom, dude. It was crazy, dude. It was like, oh, the head I got when my dick wasn't working. I was like, ah.

My brain was useless, dude. We were listening to Shine before the show. Dude, that was the noise I made when I came. I was like... I think this guy, if he wants to...

I mean, I also love that he's like, by the way, totally cool sitting in the corner. Playing with my wiener. Yeah, so look, he wants this to happen. So just tell the girl that your girl wants to hook up with her and he wants to watch. Well, here's my question. Because on paper, that's what he wants. Sure, but I don't think he has... Look, let's not put a ceiling on it, right? I like that. He'd sit on... He would jack off in the corner, but...

He's in the negotiation process. He is willing to accept. You don't open with that. That's how Obama got fucked with universal health care. He started halfway. He tried to play ball with the Republicans. No, you take a hard line stance, you end up in the middle ground, pal. So you're going to fuck this girl.

you will... Now, I will say, though, he's making a couple assumptions here, right? He said he has a friend, he's friends with a girl that has had threesomes before. Yeah, but that's... That's like saying, hey, there's a woman who's fucked guys before. She might fuck me. And it's like... Locked and loaded. You know what I mean? Like,

It's good to go. I think what you need to do, you need to take it down. And look, I love the enthusiasm. What do you think I reckon I could do to get double sucked here, Stav? I think what you need to do is you need to step back one, take it back one step, right? Your girl's had threesomes before. Has she been the initiator? Because here's the thing. You have potentially...

the secret weapon in this whole thing. Which is her. If you've got a hot girl... Quarterback that can run? Oh, my God. Yeah. Exactly, dude. Fuck it. Yeah, you're a flimsy left tackle who's letting the pass rush past him, but she's fucking... She steps up in the pocket. Next thing you know, you got an extra five seconds on that play. That's a 19-yard fucking pickup right there. First down. In my opinion...

You, like, if she's interested, she's got to play some kind of role here. But it's so much easier for two hot girls, two bi girls, right?

to hit it off and want to fuck each other. And then you just have to, to continue the quarterback analogy, you now have to be the game manager. All you got to do is, you know what? You feed the plays. Yeah. In fact, yeah, she's actually, let's flip this. She's an incredible running back. You just fucking hand her the ball, let her do what's that. Don't fumble because you can't fuck it up, right? But if she approaches the girl who's at threesomes and is like, hey, I want to hook up with you and I want him to play with his wife,

wiener yeah yeah yeah in the corner she's like okay can you not call it wiener no that's part of it no no no no I gotta jack the crank if you want me to get into this

But this is I think this is a feasible thing. I think it's very feasible you approach. It's the heist mentality Absolutely, how do you pull it off and and here's the thing let's say your girl Isn't somebody who wants to you know do this right? She doesn't want to she doesn't want to take the lead then I think you're You your assumption that just because your friend has had threesome. She'll fuck you and your girl a little strong and

Take that back a notch and just kind of hang out. But God damn it, if this country wasn't built with the same dreamer mentality that this guy has. No, I'm not saying that. I think you're thinking is, I think it's American. It is American. Yes, yes. Go get it, dude. And if you get double sucked...

Just call in. Let us know how it went. Yeah, dude. If you get mama dogged... He's trying to declare manifest destiny on that pussy. That's what it is. Manifest destiny. See it. Believe it. Take it. Don't take it. Don't take it. Don't take it. Receive it consensually. Ask. Ask.

And then ask again. And then ask if they're comfortable. Check in. That's so funny. What if we consensually stole the land from the Native Americans? Is this cool? Is this cool, guys? I don't feel comfortable with you moving forward. And he goes, yeah, that's right. Okay, well, we're going to take this field down. I don't feel comfortable. For as the hawk that looks at the bull, he thinks...

I am not comfortable here. You're on my hair. Oh, fuck. Yeah, dude. Skibbity-dee-ba-dee. Skibbity-whoa. So just get in the mix with them. See what the vibes are like and just feel it out. Yeah. And then you can go, you know she's into threesomes, but give it a feel out. You know she does surf and turf, right? Yeah. All right, L. This is what else we got, Bubby. Stubby. Stubby.

cut male here with two boys and I decided why do that to them? So they're uncut. From my perspective, I don't know what I'm doing in terms of helping them mature and grow and clean and do all the things they need to do. I could do some Googling and research, but I figured why not come to the uncut man himself. So any advice on how to help my kids take care of themselves? This is the premier uncut podcast ever.

In the world, I would say. There is not a podcast with the ratio of uncut pride to listeners is this high. There's probably some freak somewhere that's all... I love that you have fully bagged up boys. The whole team is fucking completely bagged. I mean, I'm telling you right now, as a card-carrying fire helmet wearer, God bless. I bet you boys have some sensitive peckers. Yes.

You know, a convertible, yeah, sometimes it does suck to drive a convertible. Yeah, yeah. But in the summer when the tops are down. The wind in your hair. The wind in your hair. When I can look right under my little George Washington wig. Yeah.

I just pull my little fucking founding father wig forward. Well, yeah, listen. Sometimes you just got to take the ski mask off it, dude. That is cool, though, that you guys constantly have like a jack-in-the-box. A little shield. You're going to be like, whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, we've covered this many times on this podcast. You're going to want them to peel their little foreskins back and clean underneath that very same George Washington haircut that Dan was just describing. It's called the founding father. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A.K.A. the 1776. Emphasis on the six. So peel them back. Some nice, you know, some gentle soap.

And in a warm bath, let the boys get used to peeling their little cock skin back. Because, you know, if you don't do it, you end up like me with my dick that is a little too tight. You want him to be somewhere between... Eldest, he's all the way loose sock with it. His foreskin is hanging off his dick. His foreskin is like a bad sock around his ankle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what purposes he would serve. Yeah.

You want to be gold. Your children want to be Goldilocks. I didn't even think that. You have to. You do. You have to. Or it can tighten up on you. I have, my shit's too tight. It's too tight. But I'm never going away with it. You would never cut it? Never. Why? I couldn't do it.

Free it, dude? Couldn't do it, man. Couldn't do it. Take your hair down like a librarian? It would feel wrong, dude. No, it wouldn't. It would feel wrong. Do you ever think about it? Never. I've never... It's too tight. It's too tight. Look, I still bust. You know what I mean? It's just my dick. It's always like... This is covered on my special Fat Rascal. It's coming out. It's coming out. From the Paramount in Austin. Paramount in Austin. There is a...

No joke, the closing bit is about my fucked up penis. So go watch it, folks. I really, truly describe it in detail. There it is. You don't need a better place to go.

Yeah, that's wild. That is just stuff. I never thought about that, about a dad who is cut telling his uncut boys. And I respect this guy for breaking this genetic curse, for breaking the cycle. Respect to you. Returning them to nature. You know, giving them the life you never could have as a snipped freak like my friend Dan Soder. Let's chill on that.

I prefer, you know, some people don't like T-shirts with sleeves. No, dude, you don't get tank tops. And ironically, uncut guys love tank tops. All right, another one. Because they're missing something.

Hey, it's Davi and Eldis. Return caller. I called early on in the podcast. You guys really helped me out with some of my insecurities with my fiance. I am now recently married. And another problem came up. Not having to do with my wife, but having to do with my best friend the day of my wedding. So it started to be quick. We rented an Airbnb.

Really nice place, six bedroom, like five bathroom, like pretty much a mansion on the water. Spent a whole lot of money. Wake up the day of my wedding, my best friend had drunkenly pissed all over the tables, the floor, really just everywhere. He goes, now I should clarify, my best friend is a 105 pound Rottweiler. Ha ha ha ha!

He's a big boy. Yeah, this is crazy. He's a ruttler. This really is dog behavior. This is all, like, look, it's one thing to get drunk as fuck. I'm sure you've pissed in some hilarious places. I had a roommate that used to do, in college, he would take, he routinely would take his own dresser, open his own dresser, and piss on his own clothes when he was blacked out. He did that no less than three times. Have you ever seen the tweet? I think it's a, I have it saved, where, um,

It's a little boy in a Batman costume. And the tweet is, it's just a picture. I think it's a meme, but someone said, oh, mom found the piss drawer and he's got a bottom drawer filled with piss. And the kid is crying.

I think I have it saved here. I have it saved somewhere. I'm going to find it. Well, I have, speaking of that, I, as a kid, my piss bottles were found by my mom. You had piss bottles? I had a piss Gatorade bottle once. I'm not talking shit, FYI. I used to piss in the heating vent of my room. It was one of my jokes on my Comedy Central half hour, and it's completely true. I used to be so scared of the hallway. I'd just piss because the heating vents were on the ground. In the vent? Yeah.

That's awesome. And it heated up? You got piss fumes going? Yeah, the punchline was I did it in the spring and then winter came around and my mom turned on the heat and my room smelled like a bus stop in the middle of July. It smelled like hot piss.

Oh, fuck. All right. So anyway, this is crazy. I can't... He wakes up, piss everywhere. I can't fathom. Because like I said, it's one thing to just piss yourself or piss in one place. Yeah. But all over? You're drunk fucking shooting your dick around the Airbnb? Marketer's territory. That's weird. All right. Keep going, Elders. It's everywhere. We tried to keep it hush-hush. Didn't want my wife to find out the day of her wedding. Um...

We cleaned everything up. We hit it. She eventually found out. She no longer wants to associate with my friend. I don't blame her. He's always kind of been, like, alt-right kind of asshole, anti-Semitic, all this stuff. But anyway, how do I deal with that now? Now he's like, oh, you're a dick. You don't talk to me anymore. And I really don't want to be friends with him anymore. But he is my best friend from childhood, so it kind of puts me in a shitty situation. Um...

That's insane. That's insane. Yeah, what are we talking about? That's crazy. Oh, wow. What? What? This is one of the most...

- I mean, you're out, you're out. There's no redeeming qualities.

Not one thing you've told me about this guy? Nothing. You said because he's from childhood. Guess what? You're not kids anymore. Yeah, dude. And you had to be friends with him because you were either at the same school or lived in the same area. You're an adult. You pick your friends as an adult. Dude, this is crazy. Get the fuck out of here. The guy's a dickhead. The guy pisses everywhere. Doesn't think it's a big deal. There's so many. I mean, dude, let's count. The guy's a fucking loser. Let's count the... There's about six...

maybe five or six things that on their own are like make him disqualified as a best friend, right? On their own disqualified. It's crazy to be like, have a best friend that's like, and you know what? These Jews. I know. It's like, first of all. Yeah, I don't know. First of all, alt-right, anti-Semitic, you don't want that to be your friend, right? Like in a way that's not, he's not making a joke. Well, he's also not going to make a situation. Listen, I'm apolitical, but what I'm telling you is,

Just that description means he's going to make situations uncomfortable.

Yeah. Liberal people do it too, but not as quick as alt-right people being like, you fucking my freedoms? And you're like, no one brought that up, Kurt. No one brought that up. He's like, fucking stolen. I mean, look, I'm totally with you. And God knows there are plenty of fucking liberal, like, left tattletales that are very fucking annoying. Yeah, absolute dickheads. But it's just like sometimes when someone is like,

kind of flirting with even violent shit, it makes it a little worse. Fuck all that shit. I don't give a fuck if he is, you know...

Exclude that. And also it's like this motherfucker pissed everywhere. Okay. And then did not think it was a big deal. And did it help you clean it up? Right. Right. Should have been. He should have been apologizing. Exactly. He cleaned up. Here's let's go through the list. Let's go through the list. Right. Here are my better be six. Here are my bullet points. Absolutely. Now look, whatever you want to say about it to me. All right. Anti-Semitic. Anti-Semitic.

and you've grown apart and he's had these fucked up views that you don't agree with, whatever those views may be, that's a bullet point right there, right? Done. You don't owe a childhood friend anything. Nothing. Me and Elvis... Unless he pulled you out of a river. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he save your life? Then you gotta hear his takes on Israel. Which, never mind. And then...

So then Elda, it's like me and Elda's situation is like the rare, you very rare, how many people do you know that have been friends since they were kindergarten and they're still friends? It does happen for a reason. People grow apart. So that's number one. Pissed all over. Even if he was just that with no more context on your wedding day, it makes him, it qualifies him for getting cut off.

Not being profusely apologetic then doubles down on that. Lying about it. Not taking, not fessing up. Not trying to, like, imagine you wake up. You're like, oh my God, what did I do? I pissed. You would be, dude, I'm so sorry. You would be fucking mopping. I'll pay for the Mary B. You're calling a maid service. You're like, if that happened to me, I would be doing all this shit, right? Okay, so all that, that's like three things in and of itself. Doesn't apologize. Doesn't apologize. Doesn't think it's a big deal.

Doesn't think it's a big fucking deal. Doesn't apologize. That's four things right there. And then not even going to the thing of like, okay, that's stuff he did to you. He did all that to your fucking wife on her wedding day. That's another thing that's like, somebody should be fucking with your wife, dude. This guy thinks...

This guy calls him a dick. Right. He's like, you're being a dick. You're like, dude, you are the definition of a dick. Yes. Yes. Your penis was literally sprouting juice on my wedding. In my Airbnb the morning of my wedding. I mean, you had to clean up piss to start your wedding day. The only way... Here's the thing. I will venture so far as to say that the way...

You could cut him off right now. The only way I would even consider letting someone like this kind of back into your life is he apologized in a genuine way. Not in like he sees that you're pissed at him, so he gives you a half-hour apology. Someone would have to...

apologize then apologize for not cleaning up and pretending he didn't do it and be like i don't know i was just drunk and hung over i don't know what i was thinking i'm so ashamed of myself he would have to personally apologize and make it up to my wife if i'm you and then he would have to reimburse you for any kind of cleaning fees or whatever you took on and then make it up to you with like a nice gesture like a gift or something and even then

It's up to you and your wife to decide whether you want to accept that. This guy's a piece of shit. The only way you're going to get that guy back in your life is if he has a Christmas carol or a It's a Wonderful Life experience where an angel shows him what it's like and then he comes back and he's like, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to piss all over the place. Why, I'm sorry. Zuzu's Pills.

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to piss all over your house. I'm ashamed of who I was. Give me a shot. I love you. And that's right. Every time a bell rings, a friend apologizes for pissing all over. Fuck that guy. This guy fucking sucks. Get out. This is one of the biggest pieces of shit I've ever heard described to me. Get out.

Get him. Get out of there, bro. You don't know this fucking guy. And yeah, guess what? He's going to be like, whoa, you're being a dick. You changed, man. Because that's what these fucking losers do. They pretend you're the problem. It probably means they have it. Yeah, they say you've changed in a way that's supposed to make you feel guilty. Called outgrowing somebody. They're a piece of shit. I mean, that guy just sounds like a fucking dick.

dog shit every detail about this guy I mean it does he's like you know what though we were in the Marines together and he saved my life in Fallujah and you're like yeah yeah yeah yeah okay well it's piss you know it's clean the kidneys clean out all the time dude even then he would have to apologize even the guy who saved your life would have to apologize yeah John J. Rambo would have to apologize oh my god this guy stinks dude this is crazy yeah fuck this guy

Next question, Eldest. This guy fucking sucks. He's pissing me off. Hey, Stanov. Hey, Eldest. Hey, guest. Love the show. Long time, first time. My problem is that I am a 21-year-old guy who's probably not a guy who is in love with a 27-year-old non-binary cellist that is a master's student at the school that I have an undergrad at.

They are in their second or they're in their last year of a master's. I'm in my second to last year of undergrad. We hang out all the time. We text each other all day. We send each other memes. We make each other laugh all the time. We'll share a joint after class at least once a week. We take the same bus home from campus. We'll ride the bus together at least once a week. We just relate to each other on so many things in terms of like lifestyle and aspirations. We're both from the Midwest and we're studying in the East Coast.

We have the same taste in everything. Food, movies, art, music. They're a cellist who specializes in contemporary classical music and I'm a composer of contemporary classical music. I have a ton of mutual friends who are around their age. This person is perfect for me. They fit my personality so well and they're so hot. The problem is that I have

I told a mutual friend of ours who's about the cellist age about my crush, and the mutual friend told the cellist over the summer without my knowledge. And the cellist response was essentially, oh, yeah, it's so cute, but the age gap, according to my mutual friend. However, ever since the summer, the cellist and I have gotten the closest we've ever been. We talk more now. We hang out one-on-one more now. They're always willing to make time to hang out.

outside of school and invite you to things we finally know each other a lot but the relationship has always just been super friendly I don't know what to do here

I haven't been in a serious relationship since high school, so I have no idea how to approach this. Oh, man. Do I maintain this friendship? No. And just wonder what it is? Of course not. You know the answer. That's why he's taking so long on the message. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's even timid with us. This is like boxing when they wrap up each other to count down the clock.

He's just grabbing on. He's like, so, I don't know. I think we're fine. Dog, you love her and you love them and they don't love you. Well, we don't know, though. We don't know that. We don't know. You're right. We don't know. That's the thing. Take the shot. You gotta take the shot here. Take the shot. This is the exact same call as the alcoholic who was asking us to green light him. Yeah. This guy wants us to green light him. Just to stay in the friend zone. No, no, no. No, he wants... I think he needs...

He needs a push to actually act on this, right? Everything you've said... And look, man, you're a bit of a late bloomer here, right? I so relate to this. I was in the exact same situation when I was in college where I...

I didn't fuck, like, I was always a guy who, like, I had no social anxiety. I was always fun. I was always good at parties, all that stuff. But I was anxious when it came to women. So it would be like, there'd be women that I could have hooked up with, but I would pussy out at the last second. Or I would like, you know, and I really didn't have anything going on. And then there was, I hooked up with one girl freshman year. And then I was on a fucking, like, or maybe two. But it was like, still, after that freshman year, it was like...

And then I befriend this girl my junior year, and she's dating someone at the time, and we have just one of those long-ass friendships where it's like... You're in love. Yeah, I'm fully in love with her, all this kind of stuff. Now, I eventually acted on it, and it was really messy. At first she was like, no, I'm in a relationship. Then it was kind of like, let me see what I can do. And then there was a period where I felt like,

I was getting cheated on with her boyfriend because I had said... Before you say anything, it's not on them, right? Yeah. But after you say something, and it was like... So anyway, now, I ended up dating this girl for a little bit. It was good for me. We probably ended up... Like...

In hindsight, that was so messy that there's no way something really good comes out of something like that. But you don't have the mess element of it. You just have... And I was also a coward. I should have made the move faster, right? Well, it's a hard move to make. So you can't get down on yourself for making that move. But this guy needs to make that move. Well, that's what I'm saying.

His life is becoming about them. My life changed. No, that's what I was trying to get to is that like my life basically changed when I did that because it took me from a guy who was too scared to a guy that now from then on, and I was like, fine, one way or another, I was like,

Either I date this girl who I'm in love with or I stood up for myself and I'm like, and now I can fucking seize the day, right? And that's what you need to do, pal. Get in the pit. And I've also, and to a point where that happened to me later on where a girl I dated in Baltimore, we had kind of the same thing going. We hung out one time and I was just like,

I'm going to try and kiss her. I just feel the vibes. And we made out and it was awesome. And then the next day she was like, hey, I just want to be friends. And then I was like, you know what? I do not want that. I really like you, but that's just not what I'm looking for. And then she was like, she took a day. She thought about it. And then we dated for like four months and it was sick. You know what I mean? And it was like,

It really helped me because I was a timid coward all growing up. Sure. And when you rip that bandaid off, it is very hard. And I had to like psych myself up for it. And he's going to have to do the same. And you are going to have to do the same. But I am telling you.

This is a pivotal moment in your life where how you act here legitimately could change the rest of your life. And for the positive. For the positive. Either way. Even if it's negative. Yes. Even getting rejected. Even if it's a negative outcome right now, it can lead to more positive behavior. Absolutely. Because you're willing to take a shot. Because from now on, when you feel this way about somebody, you have to make a shot. And look.

They might reject you. They might, you know, the age gap thing, whatever. You're 20. She's 21, 27. That's fine. They're 22, 21. You're 27. It's like, you know. No, they're 27. He's 21. No, no. He's 22. He's 21. They're 27. Oh, he's 21. Yeah, he's 21. They're 27, so.

- Oh, I had it completely flipped. - Do it, dude. Do it. - Oh, okay. - Take the shot. Call it in. - Dude. - Take the shot. - Oh, especially if you're 21, 22. - Do it. - This is big for you, buddy. - Yeah. - You feel this way about somebody, and look, they might say no, that's fine. Now, the rest of your life starts. Then you find somebody else, and by the way, I think after you do this,

you do have to kind of draw a boundary and be like, I need a little time. And you might think to yourself, okay, I can be friends with this person. Yeah. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes you take the time and you realize, I like them too much. This will destroy me to be their friend as they date other people. But sometimes you take the time and you're like, yeah, I can be their friend. So after you take the shot...

Hopefully it goes your way. If it doesn't, then you take a little time to reflect about how you feel. And there's not... And just... This is a great opportunity for you to practice honesty with another person. Also setting boundaries. Yes, absolutely. So you got to do... Pal, you got to do this. And then call in. Let us know how it went. You got to do this and you got to let us know how it works. Yeah, this is sick, dude. You know what? I'm happy for you because either way, this is a big moment for you. And I want you to free yourself...

That's the exact age at 20. Well, I think I was 20 actually but still right around that time is when I freed myself of all my No getting pussy demons go get your go get your yo-yo ma, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah go yo-yo their mom Place another little eldest with a little ass dick. What's up? Stabby and Elvis and what's up to the guest?

Uh, stop. Before I get into it, why the hell didn't you come through the Bay Area this year? I thought you said you did well out here. You afraid of getting your dick sucked or something? Didn't we go to the... Anyway, I've got a question for you guys that doesn't involve sex or anything like that.

You guys talk a lot about how much you enjoy shrooms. So as someone who's never done it before and wants to try them, what do I need to know? A little background on myself. Late 20s, never really done psychedelics or anything like that. I was, I don't know, I was just a boring, straight-edge Christian kid growing up. Didn't drink until I was 21. Nothing wrong with that. Didn't start smoking until I was older, too.

So, yeah, I want to give shrooms and some of the other fun stuff a try, but I really have no idea where to start. And, yeah, what do I need to know? Any little tips or tricks for a shroom virgin like that? Like me? Man, it's crazy. Anyway, love the show. Love what you guys are doing. Hope to hear from you all soon. Thank you, man. Take it easy. What are you thinking, Danny? Well, this guy's never done them. Max, he should take his two grams.

Max. Yep. Do not do a full 8 yet. Definitely not. If you got the money, go get an Airbnb out in nature. Yeah.

Take a couple friends. Do it with friends that you like, that you genuinely like. Genuinely like and you genuinely are in a good mood. Yeah. And you also should bring a friend that has done it before. Because people that have walked the path will know that you go up fast and you come down slow. But to come down slow is the best part. That's awesome. Absolutely. To go up is the scary part. I like to go up, but yeah. Well, here's the thing. I like to go up too. Yeah. But.

But it can freak you out, sure. This is the analogy I use for all my friends that have never done mushrooms before. It's the ride at the carnival where you're in the two seats and they pull you back and then they shoot you up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There are going to be people that pass out on the, like... Yeah, yeah. Just know that when you go up there, you get a view of life.

That you didn't have before where you're like really is true Oh, and then you go back down and then you come back up and you're scared again, but then you're like, oh we're just organisms Yeah, you go back down and then that's your first trip if you smoke cigarettes bring two packs If you have if you want to get higher drink orange juice if you want to stop and kind of hit the brakes drink milk interesting do it on a full stomach and

I would say eat it. People like the tea. I don't like the tea. I like eating them. Tea will hit you faster and go away faster, too. Sure. But, yeah, eating them is better. These are all, I mean, you're nailing it in terms of like sage advice. I haven't done them in about four years, so I'm due. I'm due for an ego death.

Sounds awesome. Yeah, everything Dan said is absolutely correct. Why don't we trade mushroom stories here? I will tell you the first time I ever did mushrooms was it was in Amsterdam. And it was they have like they have the wet ones, right? Like they have the fresh one. They're not dried out. And the dosage is a little different.

And I had taken some and I wasn't feeling it. My friend wasn't feeling it. So I took more. Right. The classic move. And I had kind of given up on it. I was like, I guess it didn't really work for me. Yeah. Like this kind of sucks. Amsterdam is... Have you been to Amsterdam? Yeah. It's fucking awesome. Great bike riding city. Great city in general. Great city. Great city. One of my favorite cities. I mean, I could...

It is one of those I actually could see myself living there legitimately. Yeah, 100%. I don't think I probably ever will, but everyone speaks English. It's so easy to get around. There's so much culture. It's a fucking cool, like, such a great place. Anyway, me and my buddy are on this bike. I'm with, you know, my best friend from college. We're taking this little Euro trip together. We're hitting a bike ride.

through the canals, bro, it kicks in in the middle of this bike ride. I'm looking at nature. I'm looking at this beautiful nature, but I'm also in a city. I'm a big city guy. These beautiful, like, fucking Dutch women are riding their bikes around us. It's like, and it just hit me so hard, and I'm on the come up on this bike ride. It's like a 40-minute bike ride. The blast-off phase, my first ever blast-off phase was fully on a bike. Crazy. And I was just like...

I was like, this is, I'm imagining my life in Amsterdam. Oh, yeah. I'm like, I could live here. That's why you want to live there. Yeah, honestly, yeah, dude. I was like, I'm coming, I'm putting a little baguette in my little thing. I'm coming home to my wife. Oh, your weird European wife? Yeah, dude. From a country that we didn't even know about? Oh, my God. Estonia or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's so open sexually and just like... Star-Wars, did she just left after a good thing? You're dating a bitch from Pulp Fiction? Oh, yeah. I want bunnies. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh my God. That was the, I mean, dude, I, that bike ride was the, maybe the best 40 minutes of my life. And then the come down where we had to like, we, it was so weird. We had to return, we rented the bikes and we had to return them. And I'm just sitting there.

At a park watching the... You know, when you see the trees start doing shit. Yeah, you realize we're all connected. Oh, my God, dude. I mean, fully... Such a beautiful... I had no expectations. I'm on vacation. My mind is blank. I'm not... I'm having a great time. And now I will also share my most recent mushroom strip, which was not as good. Not for any reason. Not for anybody's fault. We were... We did them together. This was in Greece. And this was on my most recent vacation. And...

I'm in an ideal situation. I'm with my best friends. We are in a gorgeous beach, like with our own little area. If we want something, there's a waiter, but they don't bother you on these like beach chairs. It is set up, but I honestly did realize in that moment...

It's so funny how many major life things mushrooms have helped me realize. Oh, yeah. Made me date a girl years ago because I was on mushrooms and a tree is telling me I love her. That's a lot. You know what I mean? I don't know if I'd believe that tree. Well, he was partially right. I mean, I don't know if it was the best advice. No, it was good. I loved that relationship. I learned a lot. That person's great. But on this one, I'm in the best situation you could possibly be in. Gorgeous, great weather. Gorgeous beach.

And I am having a horrible time because I'm realizing I'm having that like, what's the, it's like, I'm having, the mushrooms are basically being like, dude, you don't like your life. You're working too hard. You're not enjoying any of this. You're getting less health. Each time you sacrifice your health for your career and that, where does that end? And it literally, it was fucked up. Like in that moment, I didn't feel great, but it was actual shit I needed to hear. And after that,

Now I push my next... I was going to start touring in fucking February, dude. And then I was like, no, the mushrooms were right. The mushrooms on the beach on my grandfather's island were right. And by the way, oh, fuck, dude. I didn't even realize how full circle this is. I bought the mushrooms...

In Amsterdam from the same shop. They were the same brand of mushrooms. Yeah, you got your brand. That did my, I didn't even put this together until right now. Some people have guardian angels. You have a brand of mushrooms. Yeah.

You're like, I'm not Ezekiel. I'm Thunderfuck. I'm here to lead you. Oh, dude. It was... So, but my point also to say, I say that to say, for your first one, you want it to be fun, lighthearted. You don't want to be feeling weird because they will detect that, man. They will sniff that out. You can't really decide how you're going to feel. Put yourself in a place where...

you can feel anything and it'll be okay. Sure, that's a good point. Yeah, yeah. Expect, you know, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Well, I was really, I guess my point is like,

It's like an overarching thing, dude. It's not like a mood thing. Well, you tap into your subconscious. Every time you do it, you're like, shit comes to the top that you're like, oh, I thought I had, I was sitting on that for a while. Totally. Mushrooms are really, I mean, there's a reason they're starting to be used to help depression and shit. Yeah. There's like a lot that can be done, but as far as your first time, control the environment. Yep. Control who you're with and have fun. Absolutely. Absolutely. And smoke, if you smoke weed or cigarettes.

Weed on the way down is so awesome. Weed all the time. Yeah. There's nothing like at the very tail end of it to just get so stoned. So I did in Amsterdam, I did truffles. Yes. Which... I think that's what I did. They go up faster and they come down faster. Yeah. I think truffles is what I'm talking about. Because when I first did mushrooms, the first time I ever did mushrooms, I was 16 years old and I did it with my friend, Brian Tannenbaum, who's...

The smartest person I've ever met in my life to this day. And he had done it. And he was like my Sherpa. And so as I ate him at 16, he was like, it's going to go in your stomach. Your eyes are going to get, you know, light's going to change. Shadows are going to change. And now you're going to start thinking you know everything. He's like, but then...

You know, he's like, just chill out. And everything did. So you'll be fine. I think I didn't realize how late it was. Oh, yeah, dude, we're done. Sorry. That was probably the last question we're going to do. I looked at the clock. I was like, are you late for something? No, but I just didn't know. For some reason, I was like, hi. And I was like, it's like 445. You got here at four. I was like, 605.

It's nighttime. We're rolling, brother. Sorry. That was fun as hell. Yeah, it flew by. It felt like 15 minutes. That's what I mean. I know. You're the best, man. Thanks for coming on the pod. Listen to Soder. Listen to the podcast. Watch my special. Hell yeah. Watch, dude, Fat Rascal. I love it, dude. What a great name. Thank you. Thank you. Fat Rascal's such a good name. Thank you, brother. Go see Dan on the road. You touring in December? Yeah, I'm doing, what do I got coming up?

Paramount theater in Philadelphia. Oh yeah. And, uh, late show at the Vogel in red bank. Oh, that's nice. So Vogel and red bank on Friday, Saturday at the Paramount in Philly. Love it. Maybe tickets available. I hope they're not. Yeah. By the time this comes out, hopefully not available. And then just see Dan on the road. What? I mean, truly one of the best in the business. Thanks. The fucking pot is going to be, is, is going to be fucking killer. Uh,

Yeah, go support Dan. See the special. And thanks, guys. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye.