#48 - Conner O'Malley
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904800 Stav. We're going to solve all your problems, folks. We're feeling good. We're coming straight off the nuptials of Eldest Sula. Congratulations, Eldest. I'm sure we'll get into this more later on. But our guest wasn't invited.

Yeah. Yeah.

We got our boy Connor O'Malley in the stew. Thanks for coming, bro. You're so welcome. Yeah, let him know, dude. The devil. Thank you, dude. He's here to plug the devil. Dude, the devil is incredible. He's gotten into the devil big time these last couple weeks. I watched End of Days starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, is that a devil? Do you remember that one? I haven't seen that one. 1999. I just watched the one...

What's the one where Keanu Reeves is the devil's son? Oh, Devil's Advocate. Is that what that's about? Dude, that's a... Yes. Did I spoil it? Sorry, folks. No, no, no. I'm never going to watch it. No, no, no. You should literally watch it. Seriously. It's Al Pacino. Al Pacino is, I'm sorry to spoil it again, the devil. It's pretty clear what's going on. Isn't his name like... No, no, no. You're thinking of Angel Heart, where Robert De Niro is a man named Lou Cipher. Yes, yes, yes.

Imagine how that screenwriter being like, hmm, yes, Lou Cipher. Lou Cipher. And they like don't, it's funny because apparently in the marketing for the movie, they don't give it away. Like it was like a, it was like a supposed to be a twist, but the guy's name is Lou Cipher. So it's not exactly, like imagine how dumb you'd have to be to be like, what? Is that the one where he like, there's a scene with him with the egg? Yeah.

I think so. Yeah. I've been meaning to rewatch that. That's Mickey Rourke, Lisa Bonet looking out of control. Awesome. Women are beautiful. Good stuff. Women are gorgeous. That's my take as well. Lisa Bonet is wild. I also watched Kimmy, which is Lisa Bonet's daughter. What's her name? Do you guys remember?

She's Catwoman. Zoe? Zoe Kravitz. Really great. I mean, that movie actually ruled. That's a Soderbergh.

He's the king. He's the man. Just satisfying, quick. I love that. And she is getting railed in part of the movie. So that's a little... I'm a big fan. When a hot girl gets railed in a movie... I'm going to jerk my prick off to this shit. I didn't because I was on a plane, but I did. You're taking pictures for later. The flash is going off. Sorry, I just got to jerk off to this later. That's bad.

I'm a gentleman, so I'm not pulling out my hog now. But just know, I'm thinking about it. That's a good airline. An airline where you can jerk off. Where you can beat off. All-male airline? All-male. So you want the airplane version of the steam room at Equinox? Yeah, yeah. Anyone can beat off. It's not expressly gay, but it wouldn't hurt to be gay, probably. Like there's a French airline that's all business class?

This is just that, but it's all beat-off. This is just all the beat-off class. You gotta wear sweatpants. Or if there's beat-off class, where it's like, you have... Yeah, I mean, it would be hard to do that in economy. If you have those little pods, those pods, you could basically beat off it already. Yeah, the Iliad beat-off pods. The new first-class product from Iliad. Yeah, all the Saudi airlines. They're really, they're genius. They're so...

Those guys are awesome. Does Greece or Albania have a propaganda airline? Well, it's hilarious to think that Albania would even have an airline. That's number one. I think we do. I think I flew it when I went there. What was it? What's it called? I think it's called Albania Air or something. Albania Air. Albania Airplane. I don't think the plane was branded or anything. Yeah. And it was horrible and tiny. Yeah.

Albania air, baby. It's like Aer Lingus. You ever flown that? That's the Irish shit. Yeah. Which is funny to sound so much like cunnilingus. Yeah. It is pussy eating airplane. Yeah. Now we're talking. We got beat off air. We got Aer Cunnilingus. I'm going to start Aer Cunnilingus and I'm going to buy the Aer Lingus planes. I'm going to save a lot of money on paint. Because I'm just going to add a little con. Well, you got to paint it from green to pink. Green to pink. That's true. Fuck. You're right.

Could be real fucked up, diseased, green pussies. Isn't Drake's airplane pink? I think it is. I think it is. Remember when that video dropped of him showing off his airplane? Yeah, I know. Just being like, what the fuck is this? Which... I think that was the moment where I was like, why do I like this guy? I'm out on Drake after... Oh, it looks like it's blue. Maybe the interior is pink. I don't mean to... I don't mean to...

expose myself as a class traitor but I did fly on the Puma flight on the Puma jet to France to the Puma island to yeah yeah yeah yeah

There's a Puma jet? There's a Puma jet. Let's explore the Puma Island for a second, though. It would be interesting if there was Epstein Island, if there's one for bestiality. Yeah, you fucking cats. You can fuck a big cat. Dogs. Yeah, Mr. Hans Island. That would be kind of nice. That would be pretty sick. And you know what?

If they had that island, obviously we're anti-pedophilia islands. We are not, that is not our thing. Anti-non-consensual, above-age sex island. Yeah, even that. Even just regular non-consent, we are not into. And let's just say, even if they're not happening on an island, we're not fans of those two things. Okay, on the mainland, you're okay.

I don't know. The state's right. I guess let's not make any blanket statements. But I think Bestiality Island is actually the most...

That's actually like a responsible way to handle that. Yeah. And look, I know Madagascar style. Wasn't that Hitler's plan? I think he was like, Madagascar will be like our race museum. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. Of like Chinese guys and I'm pretty sure that that's now. Okay. Did Hitler keep any Jews for the museum? Cause that would be interesting. Interesting question.

I think it's Madagascar Plan. Eldest, yeah, Eldest, please go ahead and Google Hitler Jew Museum. There we go, Madagascar Plan. Oh, yeah. Well, this is interesting. There was like kind of a lib contingency within the Nazi party that was like, let's just give them an island. And then they were also like, look, we don't have to kill them. We'll just like...

castrate them. That was like a big thing was like, do that and they can, you know, just kind of live their life out, whatever. You need someone to do the books. Yeah. They already started when it came to circumcision. Why not keep it going? Finish the job. Finish the job. Cut their whole dick off. What?

I think there's an HBO movie about it. Really? Yeah, where it's like them doing, we're going to do the Holocaust, but there is a contingency of libs. Guys, come on. We got to, you know. Yeah, yeah. We got to send it to an island. Like the Pete Buttigieg of the Nazi Party. Let's not be so mean.

People are like, we're never getting anything done. Waffling. At least they're fucking believing something. Jesus Christ. Wow, interesting. That would have been a much better plan. How deep into the podcast we are? We're already on the Madagascar plan. Seven minutes. Eight minutes right now. Eight minutes, nice. Demonetized. Definitely demonetized. It's historic. It's historic. We are against it.

Yeah, but the Puma jet was... Anyway, back to what I was saying. The Puma jet was pretty sick. Beyonce flew... Because Jay-Z, I think, either owns Puma or has some kind of brand deal with them. So he flies the Puma jet sometimes. So I was on a jet. With Jay-Z? No, no, no. But I used the same toilet Beyonce's ass cheeks were probably on.

That's pretty fucking cool. That is the thing, man. When you're watching porn, these people shit and piss out of these things. That is true. The most beautiful ass has had diarrhea. Yeah, that is true. That's a messed up way to go about it. Where do you think the best... If you're God, you could start all over. If I'm a what? If you're God. God, okay. Okay? Okay?

Now do you shit like because we all want here we all like a big ass, you know, we'd like to see it We'd like to fuck it, etc. Um Now do so do you make it so that you know what actually I think I have an answer Maybe you shit out of the bottom of your foot

Okay. And the ass is purely for fucking. And the pussy, what do we do with the pussy? Do babies still come out of the pussy? I think pussy and penis stick around. Okay. Piss still coming out of it. Although we figure out something for... Because then you lose squirting if piss goes. Yeah. We got to keep squirting around. But I'll say... Slip it in slime. Yeah. But I say we seal up the asshole. Seal up the hole. And then like in kind of...

We get rid of one of the kidneys. Okay. And where the kidneys is, there's a cassette, like kind of like, you know how in some RVs there's like a cassette for the, for the waste where you can remove it from the RV and take it to pump it out. Interesting. So you kind of are filling up. It's like a colostomy bag and you can take it out and kind of unzip it, dump it into something, put it back in. So you're not like, if you have diarrhea, it doesn't matter. If you are constipated, it doesn't matter. Now, but what if it gets too full? You should,

You start puking shit. Oh, you start puking. See, that's a big problem. That's a big problem with your design. I had the worst... I had fucking straight up dysentery for like months. Where? How did it happen? In England. Wow. I was doing shows in England and Ireland. Damn, you were there for a while too. I was coming back and forth. It was so stupid. Why did you do that? I don't know. I didn't want to...

I wanted to vote in a primary. Wow, who's the lib now? Who's backing the Madagascar plan now? You literally don't know who I was voting for and why. That's true. You got me there. You were writing in Alex Jones.

But I had, it was the first time I had diarrhea on an airplane. Wow. How was that, dude? It was so bad. Yeah. Imagine getting that on Albania Air, Elders. You're done. I don't even remember if there was a bathroom on there or not. There had to be.

It was a short flight, so I didn't have to check, but... It was a bleach bottle. Yeah. It was like a bucket in the cockpit. You have to open the door and be like, excuse me. Excuse me, pilot. I gotta take a shit. The co-pilot gets up from the bucket, takes a... He's sitting on a plank, the bucket with a plank over it. He picks the plank up, you shit in it. He's like, make it quick, we're landing soon. Ha ha ha.

Damn, dude. Was it bad English food or what? It was something I ate in New York. I'd shit my pants before I left America at home. And then just like the worst, just like... And it would like go away for a couple days. I think I'm normal and then I would shit myself. It was like so bad. I don't know what it was. You would shit your pants? Yeah.

I'd be like out and I'd shit myself. I got to go back to the hotel. I couldn't like eat anything. I like lost like 15 pounds. Put it all back on. But it was horrible. And then when my shit returned, it was like pale. Interesting. It was like this pale clay. And it was just like... Yellow or pale? It looked like sand. Like pale sand. Like someone had filled your ass with Play-Doh. Somebody filled my ass with Play-Doh.

And it was just so... I was like, I'm dead. I'm done. Could you eat anything? Like, was your stomach on the rocks for a while? I could only eat cereal. Wow, dude. And I had to do a week of shows in London that those shows were going bad. And I was like... Bombing and constantly possibly shitting yourself? The only thing I could eat was Pret. And I was like... I'd eat a Pret sandwich and then immediately shit it out. And then I'm on stage shaking.

Like, I'm going to shit myself. This, like, British audience hates me. This show has, like, straight-up porn in it. Like, they can't stand it. Did you get written up, like, the way... They always... Because England still has, like, culture. Yeah. And so they'll send, like, somebody to write up every comedy show. Did you get, like, a weird write-up? Yeah, I got, like, tons of bad reviews. Let's fucking pull one up, Elvis. Yeah.

But all the reviews aren't even like that fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like kind of like... Yeah, injecting stupidity.

It's just like they don't get stupid shit. Yeah, no. They're so up their own ass. Yeah, they're like, put on a dress. Put on a dress and dance funny. They love... Oh, yeah. I mean, no, no. Whatever. It doesn't matter. I've already lost interest to all this. Minus one producer point for not Googling it fast enough. I don't even know what... Like, what do they think is good? Like, what is their favorite thing? I don't know. Yeah, I mean, British comedy...

Sucks dick. Some of it's really good. Yeah, I guess. I feel like there's... There's definitely a couple bangers. Don't get me wrong. I guess I just feel like... I feel this way about England and Australia. It's like you can be like... You can get famous there...

pretty easy and no one really gives a fuck. Like it doesn't matter that much. Like I remember when we went, when we, I think I've told this story before, but like when we did, we did like a Comptown tour in Australia. Nice dude. That's awesome. We did a Comptown tour in Australia and like the guys, like the comics on the show, like just on bar shows with us were like

you know, they were bad, you know, like they were like, maybe a couple were okay, but they're all doing like goofy, absurd bullshit that there's no punchlines. And, uh, and I'd be like, Oh, that guy was whatever. And then you just turn on the TV and he's just like in a movie, you know what I mean? It's like, he's like an amazing, and it's like, it doesn't really matter. Um, there's a couple of good comics obviously, but I just have like, I have, I definitely have American, uh,

I have American supremacy when it comes to stand-up comedy. There's no way. Sometimes there's kind of an unwillingness to be stupid. But there are a lot of... I know I'm friends with a lot of British comedians that are like, I'm very stupid. I'm open to being stupid. And it's like really... They're very funny. But I think maybe it's kind of...

The influence of the footlights, which is like their lampoon. That sucks. And like, I don't know. Ireland, I feel like they have funny people in Ireland. Ireland, I'm more open to. Yeah. Because it's a better country. Yeah.

I fuck with them. I mean, England can just suck my dick in general. I mean, basically you go anywhere in the world, everyone's feeling that way, right? About England? Yeah. Yeah, it's funny to be like, you know, England is like, oh, we defeated the Nazis. You know, we're part of the people. Well, you know what I mean? They're part of the whole... They're part of the good guys. And then just like ask...

half of the world who's worse, Britain or the Nazis? No, they are taking England. Like, they're like, you go to India, you know. They already got the swastika. They stole the swastika from... Yeah, first of all, you take our swastika. It's like, all right, that's kind of big ups to us. You're kind of co-signing us. Yeah, like, anytime there's a movie set in Chicago, me and my family would always rent it. Like, no matter what it was. Yes, this is awesome! Yeah, we don't agree with what you're up to, but...

But yeah, it's like you watch RRR Rules. You've seen RRR? No, what is this? Awesome movie. Awesome movie. It's not Bollywood, but it's like a separate production city in India. And it's just this incredible war epic about these guys that are basically telling England to go fuck themselves. And it's like...

In that movie, the British are Nazis straight up. Like, there's no way around it. And in India, which is, like, insanely... Most people are just like, yeah, fuck England. So, anyway. Suck my dick, England. The Nazis were, like... Hitler would always be like... He called, like, the British their cousins. He was always like, I wish that they would... It's like documentary. He's like, I wish that they would just, like, join us. And he, like...

Made offers through the royal family. That one guy that abdicated, he was like, you'll be king. Oh, yeah. That guy was kind of a Nazi. That's right. And they were kind of like... I mean, they shared all the same ideas. Yeah. Eugenics and shit like that. Totally. Which, so did they here in the US. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even there was a bunch of Irish revolutionaries that were slightly aligned with the Nazis. Interesting. Because they were like, yeah, we'll take over and...

we like, we'll give you guys your country. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, interesting. They really overplayed their hand with the whole, you know, exterminating the Jews thing. Because if they just didn't do that, if they had gone Madagascar plan, we might be fucking speaking German, bro. We might be speaking German. And honestly, Madagascar might be a fun little vacation spot. I mean, the movie's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Imagine how much funnier Madagascar the movie would be if just a bunch of Jews were writing it, dude. A bunch of the best comedy writers living on that island coming up with fun little hijinks. Wow. We'll never know. Yeah, I was supposed to go to England and then I just did not go.

I don't have a good thing. I don't have a good reason. But I was kind of looking forward to getting one of those, like, cunty reviews from, like, some posh guy. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I think so. But I also want to go and I want to go steal back all the Greek statues, those fucking cocksucker stuff. Oh, yeah. They fucked you guys over bad, didn't they? Fuck England, truly. And the other thing is, even, like, all the, like, kings and shit, they were all cousins. Like, they were all, like... So we got, like, a German king that England gave us as a...

After the revolution, they were like, we're going to put one of our dumbass cousins in charge of your fucking country. Yeah. And Prince Philip was born in Greece, the guy who fucked the queen and made Charles and all those ugly motherfuckers. Fuck the queen and made Charles. And that one pedophile. Yeah, he fucked the queen and made Charles. Yeah.

Yeah, so technically, you know, he claims to be Greek. That guy's not Greek. He's a German fucking piece of shit. Piece of shit. Aristocrat, and they can all suck my dick. Yeah, I'm only here for trash people. Dude, hell yeah.

Let's fucking trash the dead royal family. But it was, you know, whatever. Maybe say, listen, sorry, England. Maybe I'll come by sometime. Maybe I'll come by, check it out. Have you done Ireland or Scotland? I haven't done any of that stuff, dude. I think you'd really like... Ireland's cool. I want to go to... I do want to go to Ireland. Are you... You're ethnically... You're not from any of that shit, are you? Or what are you... I got citizenship. You got citizenship? Yeah, yeah. Get the fuck out of here. I'm desperate for citizens. Really? So if you can trace back... Just because O'Malley? Yeah, well, like...

Yeah, you just show up and like, yeah, sure, here you go. Here's your passport, whatever. My grandparents were from there. Oh, grandparents. Okay, so you actually can trace it pretty recently. Do either of your parents have like a fucking even hint of an accent? Not really, but like when I was over there recently, I was like talking, I was doing shows and asking all the comedians, like the main thing I felt connected with them was like, did your parents hit you? And they're like, yeah, yeah.

Everybody gave her a little whack. That's culturally connected. Now I'm in the motherland. Deep shame. Just feeling guilty 24-7. All the time, no matter what. Waking up, just being like, everybody hates me. They all feel that too. That's awesome, dude. Were both your parents Irish or just on one side? Dad's side, I guess. Yeah, my dad and

My grandma was English. Oh, damn, bro. She fucked my grandpa who came over and wanted to get his dick wet during World War II. And she...

I said, sure. Yeah, hell yeah. She had sex with him. Nice. For a plane ticket back to America. Dude, these whores will fuck for whatever. These whores will fuck for an economy seat. Oh my God. Back to the USA. You think she was on a boat maybe? You think you sent her on a boat, dude? This is World War II. Yeah, you take the boat. I take the plane. She fucked for the boat. She did fuck for a boat. Oh my God.

But not even like a yacht. We're talking they had this bitch coming over with like, you know, potatoes and lambs and like iron ore. She had to be pulled out by a rope like at Hell's Kitchen.

But then your family's from Chicago. You grew up in Chicago, right? In the city. Fuck yeah, dude. So they must have came. They came Ellis Island straight to Chicago. Straight to Chicago. We want to go where the beefs are. Yeah, dude. Where the pizza is. I don't know why they came here. We have like weird family all over the place. Like I did a show in Pittsburgh and my dad was like, oh yeah, you have a...

We have family over there. I remember one time my dad drove to Pittsburgh because his brother was blinded in the steel mill. Like something happened where he like got blinded. And he like drove overnight to Pittsburgh to see him. He's like, hey man, sucks. Sorry, dude. That sucks, dude. All right. I got a 14 hour drive back. Yeah, you gotta be up in the morning. Oh shit, I could have called you. Yeah, I guess you can't really see me, huh?

But you're full, your parents Greek? Full Greek, baby. Full Greek. And we got a little, we got just a little hitting. Not too much, just a little sprinkle. My grandma lived with us straight from the old country. She would threaten to hit you with her shoe or her like switch. She had a switch that she claimed. She claimed she had the magic switch that would come from Greece to fuck us up.

But she only very lightly hit us. And then my parents tried to hit us a couple times, but it just didn't work. And then my dad had a huge anger problem. So a couple times, my boy, under the guise of parenting, would just beat the fuck out of you. You need it. I do think that there is a distinct difference between people who got hit

Yeah. People will feel like I'm friends with. You're a beat yo kids. Yeah. You gotta beat your goddamn kids. You have to do it. Connor O'Malley's next special. You really. Beat yo kids. And it's me beating a child. Yeah. It's not mine. Bring up your misbehaving children and you just wallop them. Did you ever, I remember once my neighbor, they had like a nanny and we were over, me and my brother were hanging out and the nanny hit me. Yeah.

And then the nanny, like, went and told my mom, like, he was misbehaving, so I hit him. And my mom was like, thank you for hitting him. It's really good. Yeah, like in the 50s, if you were in a Macy's and some kid was running around, you could just be like, and then their dad would shake your hand and buy you a fucking root beer float for doing that.

Ellis, you ever get the hands put on you, man? My mom tried it one time, but I was like in middle school. You were a big fucker. I was already big as fuck by then. Yeah. It was good because we just kind of both started laughing. We're like, this just doesn't feel right. We were like, that's not a good thing. Your dad was probably too checked out to even hit. He never. Yeah. Yeah.

He threw tantrums and would yell way too loud when the TV's annoying him. But never anything physical. But he would never square up? No. Yeah, that makes sense. My dad physically, like in high school, fist fought both of my brothers. Ha ha!

Multiple times and lost each time. That's fucking awesome. To lose once and then be like, all right, I got to get back in here. And he started all the fights, too. So he started them. Like, I remember just, like, waking up to my oldest brother being like, you done? You done? And, like, I opened up my bedroom door and he's like, got him pinned. Fuck you. Fuck you. And then he squared up with me in high school, but his back was too fucked up. It was like...

No, man. Can't do it. I'm not putting you in the hospital. The fist fight's awesome. It's so good. That's such a wild move. You really need to fist fight your sons. Yeah. That's the passing of the torch. Yeah. When you can finally win the fight, now dad has to listen to you.

You're equal. Yeah, now you're equals. Yeah. Because you were a big boy, right? You were fat as shit as a youth. Obese. Was the whole family fat as shit? We were a large family. That's awesome, dude. A nice Chicago couple. Yeah, yeah. Extra large family. So those were heavyweight bouts then. Heavyweight bouts. Big family. Still kind of big. Yeah. Hell yeah. One time, I was... When I was like 20, I just like...

Maybe I'm not going to eat four burgers every day. And then I just was like, kind of like, I'll have like chicken instead. And I like immediately like lost all the weight. That's hilarious. And like, it happened kind of fast. Cause I was like, you know, 1920. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then we had a family reunion and I did, I showed up late and I had like my extended family hadn't seen me in a while. And my brother's,

told all my cousins that I had AIDS. So I showed up and all my weird firefighter cousins were like, you alright, man? I love the idea that in your family it's more plausible that you have AIDS than you just ate a couple salads. Yeah, he's got AIDS. Well, everyone's fat as shit unless they get some kind of horrible virus in this family. That's fucking sick. He's got AIDS. And they believed it?

I think they targeted a few cousins. Yes, the gullible ones. They believed it. Not even gullible, just the ones they didn't like. And I had to give it up. It's like, that's really funny. That is really good. Were people weird around you? One cousin was like, hey, man. Doing okay? Yeah, fine. Yeah, you look good. Thanks, man. Yeah, doing awesome, man.

And it was also in the basement of a Holiday Inn by O'Hare Airport. Oh, yeah, dude. It's like the worst location. That's insane. So they would have... It wasn't at someone's house. It was at the fucking... It was at like a Holiday Inn. Damn. It would either be like at the park district or like... We know somebody that manages this hotel. Jesus Christ. Yeah, sorry, man. We got some flies on deck. That's fucking hilarious, dude. Because the family reunion... I'm only...

I only really know of the family reunion as a black phenomenon in like a park and there's a cookout involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were slaves too. You're reversing the whiteness for Irish. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, we're going back to not being white. You're going back to, wow. Isn't he Irish? That's why he did it. Oh, because he wants to say it. He wants to say it. He wants to say it.

Yeah, listen, Obama was my boss for fucking 16 years. I'm going to say it once. I had to think it for two administrations in a row. Saying Obama was my boss is really funny.

It's a picture like he works at a construction company. Fuck. Obama was his fucking boss. I guess he was eight years. I don't know why I said that. For a second, I was like, I guess the presidential term is eight years, but that's not right. It's four. But shout out to Joey B. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I've never, I've never. The idea of having like a family reunion in a fucking, in a shitty ballroom in a shitty hotel is so funny. It was like,

The conference room? Yeah. Hell yeah. And it was like a weird, it was an off year for that. We usually would do like the park district, which would just be like a gym. Yeah. With like folding tables and a Mastacholi. And then like pop. That's fucking sick. Are you the old, what are you, were you in the brother hierarchy? I'm the youngest. Youngest. Oh, the baby boy. You got brothers, right? I got two brothers too. I got, I'm the oldest. I have two twin brothers. They're fraternal twins. Oh my God.

Um, but I'm the only fat one. So that doesn't really, I'm the only fat brother of an inverse for us. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Cause I'm the oldest, fattest one. You're the youngest one. Yeah. Um, what, so what, what did your parents do? Like, what were they out? What were they out in Chicago? My dad was an elevator mechanic. Hell yeah. And my brothers are too. Oh fuck. Yeah. I'm the only one. Is that a good union job? It's really good gig. Uh,

Anybody autistic in the fam? That's an autistic guy's dream. When we went to Ireland, we met like, yeah, there's an autistic on each side. All of them. Yeah.

There's a reason you guys are such good elevator mechanics. And there was one that was like really short that didn't, that would just smile. And my cousin who's like would go over each year was like, felt bad and she was like, oh, when you guys leave, she won't stop talking about you. She loves you guys. She's going, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I don't know about that. She didn't feel that way. It's okay. She doesn't have to. Yeah.

They're all... My brother, Sean, he's a fan of the show. Shout out to Sean. Sean O'Malley. Shout out to... Oh, dude. Fat elevator mechanic named Sean O'Malley. That's one of the... That's a king right there. He's not fat anymore. He's come down. Oh, shit. A traitor. Fuck you, Sean. Fuck you, Sean.

I thought we had something special, dude. You abandoned me. So the other one's fat, though? We got one O'Malley brother fat as shit or no? I mean, I feel like I'm, you know, in New York, I'm fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In L.A., I'm like, they'll shoot me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put me down. Oh, for sure. In L.A., you're only allowed to be fat if it's like,

You could be played. It's funny. If on camera, you falling down is a big laugh in a shitty movie. I feel like in Ohio, I'm the first person. Oh, you're the sexiest guy of all time. Same thing in Chicago, too. Dude, I love Chicago for that reason. Because it's the fat man's paradise. The idea that you go into a thrift store and I was like, people were as fat as me.

30 years ago in this city? It is like, yeah, just fat guy city. It's fucking awesome. Have you been to Milwaukee? Yeah, I love Milwaukee. I feel like Milwaukee is even more... Love Milwaukee. Yeah. Yeah, Chicago's enough because it's like... It is like... It's kind of just like the fat New York, right? Because it's still the big... It's still a big city. It's very metropolitan, whatever. But Milwaukee's just pure... You take...

You take all that light. You take the museums. You have the Butter Burger there? I have not had the Butter Burger. Sollies? Go down to Sollies, have the Butter Burger? We're there this year. We're there later in a couple months. They put a half stick of butter on a cheeseburger. Just on it. And it's disgusting. That's crazy that something is too fat for me, theoretically. I hear that. You will be shown something. You will be challenged in Milwaukee.

Wow, dude. They go so hard. Wow, that's the fat crucible right there. I also feel like Chicago...

Like, I feel like everywhere in the Midwest has, like, a dish that was designed for people to eat, like, once in the morning. And then they go into a factory for 12 hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't stop. You do not stop. Here's, like, a 1,500, 2,000 calorie meal in one sitting. Yes, yes, yes. It's full of, like, fat. It's dense as fuck. Rust belt happened. Deindustrialization happened. Now it's like, this sandwich is our identity. Yeah.

yeah yeah yeah this is our industry we have to like push this forward or like beef cured like salami sandwich yeah yeah yeah that's microwaved with cheese on top yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah hollow out a baguette put put as many sausages as will fit in there hollow out with your penis oh that's not bad um

Yeah. I mean, like, Greek fishermen would eat, like, for breakfast would just have, like, a little bread and a little fish and, like, a glass of olive oil as, like, stay out all day because the fat keeps you. And, like, imagine trying to, like... But I feel like Mediterranean food is, like, so good for you. Yeah. No, it's good. Like...

It's good. I was on vacation and we were going fucking crazy, right? Like we were just like not watching. And I somehow like was in better shape than just my regular life because it's just like, you know, Greek salads, a little fried squid, a little fucking little grill. Everything's grilled. And it all tastes.

Great. It's incredible, dude. And it's not deep fried. It's like, if anything's fried, it's like shallow fried in like some olive oil that's just, that's fresh. It's not like, you know, the shit you have wings, shit that gets like, wings get cooked in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God knows how long that oil's been fucking out and about, dude. That,

That's what's awesome about Chinese food oil. You're like, this is like 12 different meats in these chicken wings. Those taste fucking awesome. Have you ever hit this zone of fatness where like...

Like, I just can't not have fries. Oh, yeah. Or, like, I can't drink water. It's boring. Yeah, dude, absolutely. You've desensitized. It's like watching too much porn. It's completely desensitized. You're, like... 100%. You have to watch, like, somebody... There's a gun inside a woman's mouth. Yeah, you have to watch, like, surrogates. The guy cut his dick off and is fucking her with it. You're like, yeah, now we're talking. Yeah. Just get up in the morning, dude. Yeah, like, truly, I was just drinking...

I was drinking. And the best part is diet soda is a fat thing because it's like classic Trump tweet. Yeah. I've never seen a thin person order diet coke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's the man. He's got a couple bangers. And then also the other tweet about how bad diet coke is. He's like, but that's OK. I'll keep drinking their garbage. That's a great tweet, too.

Yeah, like putting it off. This is your fault. Yeah, but I would fucking crush. You know, we're still trying to get the A&W Zero Sugar Root Beer sponsorship. Please. Sorry, I apologize to bring Diet Dr. Pepper into this. We'll just show them what they could have. This could be you. But I would fucking, yeah, I was just crushing that. Or like Crystal Light is another fat guy hack of like, oh, yeah, I'm getting hydrated. Yeah, it's diet water. January 1st, here we go. Yeah.

January 1st water. Oh, dude, fries have to come with everything. Here's the real fat guy move. It's like when you've transcended even fries and you're like, chicken tenders will be my fries. They are fried. And in your head, in my head, I'm like, well...

Okay, they're both fried, right? So that's a wash. White meat chicken. Protein. Protein. It's good for you. It's good for you. Potatoes, carbs, starch. Shit. Bad. So it's like, so I'm actually doing... And then it's also awesome because then you're like, well, I mean...

The burger does come with fries. I can't. So I'm not going to ask them not to put it there. It's actually fucking with inflation to not have the fries for the economy, basically. Dude, it's so fucked up. I'm actually on one right now. I'm in the throes of something dangerous. On a terror? Oh, dude, yeah. Because you go, I go from vacation to,

Till you know, my best friend got married, dude. You have to eat a full Intimates cake in your hotel room. Yeah, totally. I can't not. Yeah, I can't not come home by myself at 4 a.m. and get McDonald's, by the way. I didn't even tell you this, Elders. Postmates.

McDonald's to my house. I'm in the Uber. I'm in the Uber fucking Uber eats. I'm in Uber Uber eating McDonald's. Timing it so you meet him at the door. I'm not kidding. The guy parked his fucking bike. I grabbed it. Thank you very much sir. He's happy he doesn't have to go upstairs. Everyone's a winner. This is perfect. And I had to do it because it was Eldest's wedding. Your job creator. Yeah. I got a little too high and I was like I'm getting tired.

What time did I leave? I left. You left like 2.30, I think. 2.30, yeah. Meeting high and going to McDonald's as a teenager. Some great stuff. You must have been causing some fat ruckus over there, right? Fat ruckus? Didn't you also get sober young, too? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Were you doing anything? Were you just getting drunk and fucking around? Getting drunk by myself in the basement eating McDonald's.

No fun, you know, no fun getting too fucked up in Chicago stories? Or it was just sad? It was all pathetic. It's like, I'm going to get high, play GTA V by myself. Yeah, that's awesome. Go eat meatballs, go down to the basement, have some beers. I remember just like...

Taking five Vicodin and watching Star Wars by myself. That sounds fucking sick, though, dude. What's so fucked up is that sounds awesome. Pills are so...

So good. They're the best. They're the... And, like... It's, yeah, science has hacked our brains to feel awesome. How... And I got out right before the opioid epidemic. Nice, dude. So, like... Indiana Jones sliding. Basically. Sliding right now. But, like, I feel like if I stuck around... Because it was just so much... Like, in high school, it was just so much easier to, like... Yeah. You could, yeah, get $30 in those mid-weed ever. Yep. Where you could have five incredible pills. Yeah.

Make you feel perfect. But I do feel like you're right. It was still just a little hard to get them when we were younger. Just. Just. And then like 06, it was like flooded. Yeah. Or I remember I went to visit my friend who was like in, you know, my college friend who was in like rural Maryland where they didn't have shit to do.

Those motherfuckers, that's where pills got there first. Like, these communities where nothing was going on. Dude, these kids had so many... We got so insanely fucked up. They were, like, crushing oxys on blunts. And we were smoking them. Ugh, so awesome. Then you take one. I just wake up 12 hours later. I'm like, ah, ah, where the fuck am I? Literally not don't know where the fuck I am. That was fucking sick. Shout out to my boy. I won't say his name, but...

My college roommate. Everybody's parents were on them. So it was just like you steal them from your parents. Yeah. Because the healthcare system was like, yeah, I guess we'll just give you a bottle of Oxycontin. Yeah, I guess that's some immigrant shit where I never really... My parents never had pills. Really? They were scared. I think my dad was scared to go to the... They were pretty much scared to go to the doctor. My parents will like...

Just they have so many like expired antibiotics and they'll just like take them. Like I feel a little fucked up today. I'm going to take like five antibiotics. Yeah. And just like see what happens. They love pills. Pills are so good. Yeah. Pills are magical. You never you were never getting into pills. Were you all this?

Not too much. I remember crushing some Percocet in a weed bowl with you when you came to Brooklyn early on. That was fucking sick. Smoking pills was really good. Yeah, Elders had a little fucking... He lived in the basement in Bed-Stuy, dude, and we fucking... We crushed some pills up. We watched a documentary about Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding. Had ourselves a nice... What did we have to eat that day? Do you remember? We had a nice... We had something. I don't remember. Were my brothers there, too? No. No.

Someone else was there. I wonder if... Was it Pete? I don't know. I think it might have been one of my brothers. Remembering what you ate is really funny. It's fucking awesome, dude. My dad... Because he eventually became like a city inspector.

So he would like go all around the city inspecting elevators. And he like, and anytime my mom, it was very rare whenever my mom, my mom would like go visit my uncle in Florida every once in a while. And then my dad, like he didn't know how to cook. So he's like, all right, for dinner, we'll take you guys out. And he knew like all these like greasy spoons and diners. And he would just like rotate us through and be like this. And it was kind of like, you know, we're like fat and like, this is awesome. I remember we went to this one place.

I was at Foster and Damon and my dad was like, you guys will like this place. It was just like a burger place. And we went and we're ordering it. We ordered our food and we're waiting for it. And then we see me and my brother see this like kind of fat guy walk in and he's like, yeah, let me get, um, like two hot dogs, dull cheeseburger. Can I get pizza puff fries? And he's got this like insanely long order and me and my brother just listening. And then he goes, and uh, can I get a piece of cheese while I wait? Yeah.

And they're like, yeah, sure. Like they knew him. And they gave him a piece of cheese and me and my brother like, that's so cool. That's like such, I'm going to do that when I move out. When I'm single, I'm going to do that. When I'm an adult. When I'm an adult. I'm going to ask for waiting cheese. Dude, that's insane. The way you calm down like a nervous dog. I need a little slice of cheese. Man, that's awesome.

I really do love fat people so much, dude. There is something about it where you're just forced to be humble. Well, it's like cute, that guy. He's fat as shit, but he wants his treats so bad. It is kind of people where there is somebody who's a sex addict. There's something kind of dark about it. Yeah, yeah. Or pills or drinking. But food is just fun. Totally. Oh, dude, if I was addicted to drugs the way...

If I was on one with drugs the way I've been on one with food, I'm dead nine months ago. You know, this is a very... Now, look...

Save your comments, YouTube. Oh, nine months ago? Maybe in two months you'll be dead. I'm going to make it, you fucking pricks. I'm going to make it to the end of the year. I'm making it to 35 and then we'll see. That's the goal I've set for myself. It's just like... And in that moment, dude, that guy... There's shame in it, of course. But if you can get cover from the shame in that moment, it's...

pure bliss and such a nice because it's a happiness you're right a sex addict is like there's something fucking weird about that it's like sex is it is we opened it up you shit and piss right out of those holes and you know and there's something adult and weird about it and dark and it can go really wrong and like you get a disease and

Yeah, yeah. And even, yeah, and then people can, you know, obviously do real bad versions of it. But, like, and then drugs, same thing. But it's like, food is like, it's the same joy. You have to eat, too. You have to eat. But it's like, it's the same joy a baby gets when they eat a fucking lollipop. It's the same joy a fucking... A baby eating a lollipop. Or, you know, a little piece of candy. I'm picturing I get three months old. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, dude, those pictures or a video, a TikTok will go viral where it's like, baby eats ice cream for the first time. Oh, yeah. And his eyes go like... And the baby's like, I'll kill my family for more ice cream. It's like, it is pure and it's like, I just love... And like that guy hitting his order and he's in a safe place. Yeah, yeah. There's no one thin in there to make fun of him. No. There's only fatter teenagers being like, respect. We love him. You know? Like that...

I love that guy. I love that moment for that guy. And yes, is that moment wrecking his life? Is he fat as shit as a result? Maybe. But in that moment, man... The only piece of media that ever quite got this right was Sopranos. Absolutely. I feel like they... Absolutely. And also, if you watch Sopranos, everybody...

Every character, every scene, every season, full bites. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Full bites, full chewing. Yes, yes, yes. And you can see Gandolfini is kind of, you see him start moving his fork around more before he takes bites. Yeah, yeah. And it's clear that there was a directive of you have to eat

food on TV. Of course. Like every other show where people are not eating at a restaurant. They're pretending they're dipping and they're about to eat and they're like, you know, whatever. No, The Sopranos there. It is... You're absolutely right. Picking up the pizza, that scene. Yes. Incredible. I mean, dude, when they're... That is the fat ethos. If there was a flag for fat people, it would be Tony going back to pick up the pizza after getting into a fight with Carmella. And all the like... You're so right because all of the like... This man has the worst...

He's worried about dying. He's got to, he's executing people. He's worried about the feds. And at the end of the day, dude, he just needs a bowl of ice cream laying on his fat stomach. Lunch meat. Standing up eating lunch meat. Standing up eating lunch meat. It's like, yes, dude. It really is the fattest. Just anything to fucking, just for one second. Just give me a, for one moment, I need the. I'm not here. I'm having fun. Yeah, I'm in prosciutto land. It's so fucking, it is the best fat show without question. Yeah.

I mean, think about how many fat characters there were. So many fat characters, fat representation, huge moment for that. But just like, I would say that there's no other piece of media, no other movie, no other TV show that shows people how they actually eat. Yeah. And even like in the last episode, spoiler, when like at Bobby Vaclavov's funeral, when everybody's like going nuts over the food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just like that's all they're talking about. Yeah. Is like...

Totally. Incredible. And even, I mean, one of the biggest moments in the Supreme, like, an emotional beef for Bacala is, like, when they eat Karen's last ziti. Incredible. Like, his whole entire wife's being is...

is in that ziti. And finally, it is the symbol of being ready to move on when you can eat her ziti. And not only that, but it's like you ingest it. Like you're eating your wife, basically. You and your children are cannibalizing your wife and making room for their stepmother and your next wife.

Fucking beautiful. You're right. We got to write an essay, dude. We got to co-author an essay about how Sopranos is the fattest show of all time. Fattest of all time. Yeah, there's no other... Everything else... And the other thing is, Gandolfini was like a sex symbol back in the day, dude. People wanted to fuck him. I think that's... Yeah, I think it's a little bit... I mean, he's a big guy, too. He's like 6'5", 6'4", whatever, but... Yeah. He held it good.

Also, like, breathing. The show is just... Fat breathing? The show is... The Gandolfini nose whistle breathing? Oh. When I got... That's when I'm like, I have to go to the doctor. When you're just watching TV, you're like, who's breathing? Oh, it's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. Do you have sleep apnea? I do. Do you get the machine? I got the machine. You machined up? No. You don't got it or you do got it? I fat traded. I classed out right before I...

Got out. Good for you, man. Have you tested to see if you have it? Sleep apnea? Yeah. I don't have any of the symptoms of tiredness or anything like that. I can't go to sleep ever. Interesting. I stay up until like 3 or 4 every night if I could. Damn. Every night? And you only need like what? 4 hours? You only sleep like 4 hours? No, I don't sleep like that. Oh, okay. You just have a bad sleep schedule. Yeah. That's fine. Eldest, have you... How's the breathing, dude? Are you still almost dying? Because whenever I'm in a room with Eldest, he'll be like...

You know what I mean? And then I'll be like, dude, you have sleep apnea. He's like, no, I don't. Eldest can't admit how, I mean, you're not as fat as you used to be, but you can't admit that you might have some fat diseases, even though you're looking better these days. I'm not as fat as I used to be like two weeks ago. I am like close to the fattest I've ever been right now. But I don't know. In my mind, like I just don't snore. Oh, you snore. In my mind, I'm just convinced during my sleep. I like kind of breathe a little heavy through my nose, but nothing crazy.

That's a symptom of not being realistic with who you are. Eldest does think he's a little sexier, much sexier than he is. I mean, you know, Eldest has done fine for himself, but in his mind, he's like 40 pounds lighter. He's got the Gandolfini swag. I mean, I think that's what Gandolfini had, too, was he was 40 pounds lighter in his head. Yeah, interesting. I got to start dressing like Tony. Yeah, you do. I need a vest, leather jacket. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Those fucking golf shirts or whatever. You could do that. You could easily do that. We're thinking of, yeah, we're thinking, because Elders is my, you know, he's on the road. He's my road manager too. So we got to get him like road manager outfits. I think a cowboy hat. Yeah. I think you need to start. Well, like what's the Albanian version of that? They don't got shit. You know what would be good? Like some kind of like weird esoteric military dress uniform. Yeah. Like have you ever like searched, what is it?

Like if you, like, uh, I guess there's like a Rhode Island state trooper or something like that. Ooh, okay. Or like Boston state trooper. Now should he dress it down or should he have, like, isn't that, isn't that me, myself and Irene, Rhode Island state trooper? Yeah. I just watched that recently. It's a fucking better. Like that, like. Interesting. Or search, uh, Spanish, um, what is it? Uh, Foreign Legion. Ooh. Yeah. Spanish Foreign Legion. I didn't even know they had one. I know they got the French Foreign Legion. Foreign Legion uniform. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like really. Those guys are fucking pieces. I mean, that looks like gay porn, to be honest with you. Well, they have like their own like ceremonial goat too. Wow. Wow. Yeah, that's a good look, Elders.

Yeah, look up the Albanian military uniform. I would love to see what it is. It's probably just like shit they bought at a surplus store. It's probably just the most basic camo you've ever seen in your life. Yeah, or like Halloween costume. Literally, it doesn't. Research dress uniform. Yeah, what are the... Yeah, let's see what the officers are looking like. Whoa, that guy with the cape? Uniforms of Albania's honorary guards.

I mean, this guy with the cape. That looks pretty sick. That's the Republican Guard. None of them are the same. They change it every time. Anyway, whatever. Fuck you, Elders. Some Colonel type shit. We do need a little... You do need something, brother. I kept joking with Stav and like, we were just on the West Coast for two and a half weeks leading up to this special. He was just so run ragged. I was like, you can do what you want.

You can get your fuck on, whatever you want. As long as we get you up on stage in Austin. I did. I was really fucking losing my mind there for a while. I was acting out a little bit. I'm like, I'll talk to the venue. He'll be there. Don't worry. He'll be there. Start the show. Put JP on. He will be there. Any later when we go into overtime, forget about it. He'll be there. I was thinking about you, and I feel like...

Because you're a sex guy. You like sex. I am a sex guy, yeah. But I think what protects you is that you're a tit guy. And I feel that exhibit A, what I'm going to do, and not that I'm saying that there's any accusations, you're clean. As far as I know of this recording of this podcast. Yeah, thanks, man. Because Vulture would not have put you on the list. You're right, you're right. I am one of the comedians you can and should know. But...

Like Seinfeld when he was dating a high school kid. Yeah. I think the reason it never stuck is because she had huge tits. And that's like an adult thing. Right. Visually, you're right. It's not Lolita-esque. Yeah, where like...

Woody Allen's like, that's, yeah, we see what you're trying to do. Right, right, right, right. You're not getting this past us. Yeah. That's a good point. Big tits, everyone's like, all right. And there's something about big tits, guys that like big tits, that's like so sweet. Thank you. It's maternal. I love my mom so much, I want to suck on big titties. Yeah. That's kind of the, Because you're not like, I want to, it's like, I want to suck on big tits.

It's silly. It's like, it's fun. There's a playfulness. There's a playfulness. I think that's my overall vibe. It's like, yeah, come on. I'm not like, yeah, we're out there. I'm getting sucked off, but it's a good time.

Big titties feel like a fat guy thing, too. Big titties are like a big, juicy, awesome, like, cheeseburger. I feel like fat guys are probably, like, more into big-ass titties than the big ass. That's interesting, yeah. And listen, don't get me wrong, ladies. I do love a big ass as well. I mean, it's generally 50-50 for everybody. I am tits first and foremost. But if you really put a gun to my head and I could only have one, I am picking tits. But, you know, that doesn't mean I'm not going to.

That doesn't mean every once in a while I don't want to...

Flip-flop. I love a nice big ass and some little tits. And that's a common misconception about tit guys. I like titties of all shapes and sizes. Yes. I will take a little titty, you know, but, you know, but yes. I will take it. I won't send it back. I'm not sending it back to the chef. I'm absolutely not. I will eat it. I'll put it in my mouth with a smile on my face. It's a little chicken finger French fry situation. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that is true. Big Ass Big Titties is like, that's the chicken finger fries. It's like, I'm getting gluttonous. I want them both. I need a nice thick meal. This room has a little bit, I mean...

Doesn't this have a little bit of a vibe to you of like you're over at your friend's... Like this is a place you'd go in high school. 100%. Thank you for saying that. And my mom is cool with us smoking. Thank you for saying that. That's the vibe we want in the podcast. You're just hanging out. No one gives a fuck. My mom's in the other room. She doesn't care if we smoke cigarettes or weed in the house. She doesn't care. She'll bring Tostino's pizza rolls in any minute now. I have a VHS copy of Kids Weekend Live. Yep, yep, yep. Like that house. There's a fucking couple playboys. There's a fucking...

There's a bong ready to go. Shout out to our good friends at Freeze Pipe. That's just free advertising, folks. You can thank Connor for that. Smoke weed every day, get behind the wheel of a car, drive into the White House. That's right. And if we wanted to kind of do one thing, it's like, and we insist you do some kind of terrorism towards the White House. You have to. You have to. Do you remember...

Do you remember that guy that set himself on fire in front of the White House in like 2017? I do remember that guy. He had the USA shirt. Yeah. And no one gave a fuck whatsoever. Nobody cared. And I remember, I remember like hearing about it and going to Twitter to see it. And I had to watch an ad for like Quibi before I saw the video. I remember being like, this is the most dystopic thing ever. Yeah. I know. I do remember hearing about that and being like, whoa.

This is kind of it. Something might, and then no one gave a fuck at all whatsoever. There's so many people that set themselves on fire. Dude, so many people do so. Dude, and it's like. For attention. The shit, how crazy shit has to get to make the news is wild. Like, there was a guy who just, a student in a Baltimore public high school. I have a friend who works at a high school.

had a gun and just fired off into the quad but didn't fire at anyone and it barely made the local news this is high school this is a high school this is like this just happened this isn't like when i was in high school yeah a friend of mine is a teacher some kid just in the quad pop pop pop pop didn't even make the local news let alone the fucking like

There's some kid had a gun. No one gives a fuck. Is this a bad neighborhood, bad school? It's not a real, I mean it's not great, but it's not like the worst. It was like. I feel like it's got to be like a private school for it to get attention. It's got to be Columbine. Like a school at Columbine's level. Maybe. But it's crazy. A kid fucking shot a gun and no one really, it wasn't even like that big a deal. It's so funny. Like no one got a day off.

Like, it wasn't like, there was no schools, like, colleges that came in. It was just like, all right, that was kind of fucking weird. Whatever. Yeah. That's fine, right?

But anyway, listen, Connor, we need you. We need some of your expertise, man. We need you to help these people. I know a lot about entourage. And we should also say, by the way, go check out, you have a hilarious, like a short film. What would you call it? Yeah, we're doing paywall content in the most confusing way possible. It is really hard to get. You got to go to a website called endorphinport.com for $5. You can't.

by a short film 24 minutes long called The Mass that I made it's really funny but I me being fake weird on the street um

But it's fun. I tried to rewatch it, and it was like, you got to send us your email address again, and we'll re-email you a link. And it just wouldn't work. So, you know, you got a couple of technical things. So, listen, watch it when you buy it. Watch it the moment you buy it. But it is funny as shit. And we didn't even say, you know, you probably know Connor from a bunch of fucking shit. We didn't even talk about the very beginning of...

like your mysterious vines where I was like, who is this guy? Oh yeah. That was fucking awesome. It goes all the way back to, to vine to, I mean, obviously you've probably seen it. Obama administration. He was in the Obama administration. Him and Cal Penn, uh, were co speech writers. Uh, and yeah. Um,

And, you know, I think you should leave. Obviously, people know you from that shit. A ton of fucking awesome shit and all your online videos. I do... We'll go into the stuff first. But I do want to say, even though you're probably tired of talking about it because it was so long ago, there was really something awesome about those, like,

like how crazy and and like you had no idea who you were on those lines and like wild shit you would do where it's like you know my favorite one one of the best ones is like you just have a you're in a lawnmower and you have a gun and then it pulls up and you point it at a cop

fucking and I just remember being like what the fuck is going on here they were so I mean such good shit you have to stay tuned you have to watch the master find out you have to watch the master find out but also if you want just DM me I'll send you the master free yeah I already bought it once but send it to me I'm saying oh to them I don't fucking care whatever I'm a bad business man

That is so fucking funny. DM Connor. He'll send you the shit for free. Fuck him. He doesn't need the money. He's good. He's still... He's got that. He comes from a long line of elevator mechanics, dude. This guy's got elevator... This guy's got Thup Chryson money. Tyson... Tis and Crump. Tis and Crump. Sorry. I took a shot. Um...

So anyway, go watch that shit. And now let's answer some of these motherfuckers' questions. Eldis, hit us with one, babe. Hey, Stavi, what's up? It's your boy, Bri. What's up, Eldis? Hello, Bri. Hey, so I have this conundrum, man. I work at a gas station, right? And it's owned by a family, right? And everything's nice. Everything's chill for the most part. But, like, the owner, the lady who owns the store, she keeps, like, you know...

touching me on my arm and feel my arm up and shit and like i have a partner and stuff and i don't want to make it weird because it's a whole family affair kind of thing so my question is how do i bring it up to my supervisor which is the lady's son that that i'm kind of uncomfortable with this or should i just tell the owner upright

I just don't want to make it weird. That's all. Thanks. See you at the Hippodrome in October, baby. Bye-bye. Thanks, man. I'm actually at the Lyric, but I hope you bought tickets to see me at the Lyric and not probably like the Lion King at the Hippodrome or something like that. This is awesome. So this guy's getting sexually harassed at this gas station job. I mean, we need more details. What is the ethnicity of these people? Yeah. Gotta be, you know, you'd think...

Indian or Korean or something like that. Foreign for sure, I feel like. Yeah. Or I guess, you know what, I guess this could theoretically be a redneck family. That's true. It was Bri. His name is Bri. Where's the hippo? Hippo jumps in Baltimore. Okay. So it's East Coast. East Coast. So he's like, he works at a gas station, loves it, no problem with work. Doesn't have an issue with the gas station. No. No.

She keeps like touching my arm and feeling my arm and shit like that. What is the most on the spectrum way to deal with this? The most alpha way to deal with this? Not alpha, but just like... Spectrum is alpha. That is, yeah. Please don't touch me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. That's the alpha way. I think that's the way to do it, yeah. Just walk straight up to her in a straight line. Put your hand on her forehead and say that.

Yeah, I mean, you might have to freak out. You might have to start screeching and covering your ears. But you work for a fucking mom and pop gas station, buddy.

This is where you get... This is the kind of job you get sexually harassed at. This also doesn't feel like, hey, let's go to the bathroom and fuck vibes. Yeah. It just feels like, what? She's a little too familiar. I mean, she's making him uncomfortable. In any other place, you could complain somewhere. But they own the company, and it's like...

Let's say you complain. What's the complaint? Hey, I think your mom kind of wants to fuck me. Yeah. And you think the guy's going to be like, oh, sure, let me go talk to her about it. And also, like, you're for sure, like, taking Skittles and shit. Like, there's no way you're, like. Right. And if you're not, you should start stealing. Because that's the thing about a place like this. There's pros and cons. Con, you're getting mildly sexually harassed.

Pro, you get a Reese's fast break whenever the fuck you want. And you could probably like no call, no show like four weeks in a row. And you'd be like, whatever. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Brian, I hate to break it to you, man. This is not, you know, there's no HR here. You know what the solution is? Start fucking grinding, dude.

Get up. Get up early. Start, you know, meditating, doing yoga, working out. Cold plunge. Cold plunge. Do a cold plunge. Do a cold plunge. Get ready for your gas station job. Take a turkey baster full of cold water. Show it up your ass. Right up your hole. Internal cold plunge. They're not doing that. And then start doing drop shipping on the computer 24-7. Yeah.

And then you'll be owning gas stations where you'll be able to touch people. Do drop shipping. Yep. Do drop shipping. Get a rental property. And start renting that out. Buy a gas station. Pull your penis out to your employees.

Yeah, I can't think of like, oh, this is a woke gas station owner. That doesn't exist. It's a different world. I know. That's what I'm saying. It's like, what are you? Bri, I'm sorry, dude. But it's like you work at a gas station. Like it's not. Get a different job. There's no way. There's no way the pay is good. It smells like gas all fucking day. Like, come on, dude. The answer is either just accept it and start stealing or get a better job. Yeah, that's it.

That's fucking hilarious. Have you ever been sexually harassed? No, I don't think so. I think I'm too dumb. I think I have. It's taken me like four years later to be like, oh, wait a minute. I think they were coming on to me. Eldest? I don't think so.

For me, it's only been gay guys who are like, all right, man, chill out. I will have, because I have big calves, I will have the weirdest men come up to me and talk to me about my legs. And I've never had a woman once be like, I want to suck your leg. Like,

Dude, that's a great point because, you know, I'm on team big calf as well. Yeah, yeah. And it is always like... That's not sexual, but it's like bodybuilder guys who are jealous that you have big calves. They're also like always fat, too. It's like an unhealthy man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the calf is... And the secret is you just are fat as shit your whole life. Yeah, you just...

But a specific kind of fat guy. Basically carrying around a weighted vest for the first 20 years. But that's also not true because I know fat guys that don't have great calves. We've got something else going for us. And I was, me and my family went to, like 20 members of my family went to a Cubs game and a lot of them aren't fat and they got like little ape calves, like caveman calves. It just runs, we're supposed to be moving potatoes. Up the cliffs. You're supposed to be using those calves? We're supposed to be frontline soldiers. Non-stop. We're not supposed to be here. Yeah.

all right eld what else we got hey so i've just been having trouble i am 24 and i've recently you know lost all my hair i'm bald i have a receding hairline and only thing is i just have a problem with my confidence you know i don't mind not wearing like a hat at work because you know i

I can't wear a hat at work. I work in a hospital. So, like, I don't have that problem. You know, I post pictures of me bald, but it's just, like, whenever I get around my friends, I just have to have a hat on. I don't know why. I'm, like, scared of being, I don't know, ostracized. Just, you know, just being, like, the only 20-something-year-old that's bald with no hair. It's just, like...

Killing me. I know the way you've been rocking your dude. You just didn't give a fuck. I just need some pointers on how not to give a fuck and just be beautiful in my own sense. But thank you, Scott. Thank you, Aldis. Have a great day. And thank you to the guests. Yeah, man. Well, I got news for you. Nobody's falling for the hat. The hat thing. No one's like, is this guy not bald? No one. Like, I... The thing is, you look...

This is going to be harsh, but you need to hear this. You look stupid. Beanie inside summertime. Did he say beanie? He said hat.

But, you know, I'm sure it's a couple different hats. But I feel like everybody's wearing baseball hats now. Yeah. Especially in Brooklyn. Look, if the hat is part of your outfit, that's one thing. You can accessorize. But you just don't want it to feel like you're hiding anything. And he already said, like, you know, he doesn't wear a hat at work, whatever. You can't wear a hat at the hospital. What is that? Yeah.

I worked at a hospital. Did you wear a hat? Actually, I don't remember wearing it. I don't think I ever wore a hat. I don't think you can wear a hat at the hospital. No. It feels weird. That would be weird if a doctor comes in with a Bruins hat on. Or even one of those little stupid caps. Remember the bike guys? Yeah, you don't want a doctor in headwear. They wear those little hospital hats, or is that like surgeons or something? That feels very Soviet. Yeah.

I think it's a little like keep the hair out kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't be wearing no hat. So, yeah, a hospital would be a perfect place for hair or for hat. Well, I don't think it is. I think maybe bandana at best. Okay. Well, do a bandana. That would be... Here's my feeling is you're so... Like whenever I see a guy and he's like dressed nicely but he's wearing a hat, it's like...

We know you're fucking bald. You're not... You're only... In a weird way, you are only drawing attention. Now, like you said, a lot of people... In a casual outfit, definitely a hat is possible. You go out on a night, you're wearing some fucking jeans, whatever. As long as it makes sense with the outfit, that's one thing. But there's nothing...

Like, it just screams insecurity to me when you see someone in, like, a button-down shirt. And they are wearing, like, not a baseball cap, but, like, they're trying to be, like, cool with it. And they're like, you know, like, a skull cap or, like, one of those little caps or, like, a fucking beanie. It's like, bro, you should not be wearing a beanie with a suit. We know no one is fucking, no one, you're not tricking anyone. And I would say you're only drawing more attention to it.

Here's what I would just do, bro. This is your life now. I started going kind of bald in college, and I had a bald spot forming, and I was like buzz cut before it gets crazy. Yeah, you were bald for a long time. So I'm the buzz cut guy, right? Yeah. And that's fine. You can be the buzz cut short hair guy. And I never was like, oh, bald, stop. Right, right, right.

You didn't lead with it. I don't lead with ball. You just cut your hair. Keep your hair as short as you need it to be. Literally, nobody gives a... Dude, listen to me. Shut the fuck up. Nobody gives a fuck. No one gives a single fuck. But it's hard because it's like, oh, well. And he's 24. That's tough. But that's about when I shaved. I went shaved. The thing is, you need to, again, grind set. You need to start waking up 3 a.m. minimum.

You have to start doing exercises that give you severe injuries in your shoulders and knees. You have to work through it. You have to really, really disfigure yourself so that is what people notice before your hair. And they're like, well, at least you got some hair. But like, yeah, I don't know. Did you ever feel a pressure to do, like, go to Turkey, get the surgery? Nah, dude. It was like, for me, it was like, all right, fuck it. Like, for me, it was like,

It's being realistic with yourself. Same thing with like fat guys too, where it's like a fat guy that's always trying to squeeze into a shirt that's one size too small. Yeah. It's like no one sees... No one's like, oh, he technically fits into an XL, so he's not fat. Like no one's going to see your hat and be like, well, he's wearing a hat. He must not be... I don't know for sure he's not bald. So...

Once it happened, once I was like, now it was hard to come to grips with it. It was. Yeah. Especially when you're in your 20s. And I was in college when I was like, but I had to just, I had to be realistic with myself. And not being realistic, you're not gaining anything.

You know what I mean? Like, you just have to see. You have to. It's going to hurt. You're going to have to see yourself the way other people see you. And you don't want to do that because you live in a little fake world where you still have a little hair by certain angles. You know what I mean? But you don't. You're bald. Okay? Shave the shit. And here's the thing. Start trying to get confidence other ways. You know what I mean? Get a gun. Get a fucking gun. Start buying a lot of guns. Anybody that looks at you sideways...

What the fuck was that? Yeah, move to a state that's open carry, open carry 24-7. That's awesome. Oh, that's true. And look into a lot of FEMA. What are they doing with these? What is FEMA doing? Look into that stuff. Start going to gun shows. That's true.

Give yourself a different identity. Waco. Read about, you know, Ruby Ridge. Discover these things. You know, the order. You know, figure out who they were. What were they? What would they want? Get really into some fucking groups and guns. And then there will be some woman who is like, wow, you have so many cool guns. Yep. You marry her and then hopefully you haven't done a terrorist attack by then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hopefully she catches you right before you're about to do terrorism when your T is at its highest. Yeah, yeah. And then you bust one nut and you're like...

oh, what was I up to? I was going to do terrorism? What the fuck? Everyone that was pushed into doing a terrorist attack by the FBI, they should have just nutted. One nut and it's not happening. I'm not doing that. Even the guys that did 9-11 where they were at the strip club and shit, it's like if one stripper sucks those guys off, we still can fucking bring whatever we want on airplanes.

You could still bring your pocket knife if one of those strippers sucked, you know, Al Zarqawi or whatever the fuck the guy's name was off. I still... I do think there is a funny... The way there's like... The way they, you know, Tarantino did Inglourious Bastards and it's like a historic retelling of things going different. Yeah. I want to do...

The 9-11 hijackers taking flight lessons and then getting pussy finally and being like, we're not doing it. Because they seemed on the fence. Like, it seemed like, or not on the fence, but it seemed like definitely a couple of them were probably like, oh, come on. Are we really doing this? We're really, I mean, this is all fun and shit, but come on. We were seeing titties back there. There was a barber. And then somebody was like, dude, we're going to get, think of all those whores.

10 times hotter for fucking blowing up, you know, crashing into the World Trade Center. So it's like, you know, there would be a really fun, there's a really funny... Maybe that's what happened with the Shanksville plane. Those guys got pussy on the plane. Oh, interesting. Yep. Let's just get sucked off. Is that United 93? Is that that plane? Yeah.

That would be a really fun little imagine if story. Those guys like, ah, we actually, we're good. We don't want to do this fucking bullshit. And we're going to snitch on Saddam, or not Saddam, sorry. I mean, I'll also say you didn't, you had swag.

That's the thing. It's like you got it. So yeah, you got to you got if you're gonna go bald head do other shit that like gives you confidence, right? So for me, that's what I start. That's when I was like, I got glasses I was like, let's let's accessorize a little bit. Let's get a let's have a style You know what I mean? Like let's even when I was broke I kind of was like trying to dress a little nice, you know like when I'm when I'm out there I would like when I'm trying to like, you know, there were definitely times in life where I'm fat as shit I'm working an office job. I'm so depressed and

I have the worst clothes of all time. I'm just wearing khakis with an elastic waistband and like just the most Van Heusen came out of a box shirts you've ever seen. Walking in the Van Heusen show. Yeah. Me and your elevator mechanic father probably dressed a lot alike. Yes. But when I was like, when my self-esteem was back up, it was like, yeah, dude, you got to do something that makes you feel good.

That could just be working out. That could be, you know, maybe grow a little beard. A lot of guys go beard when they're bald. You know, like if you can't do it, like I don't have a great beard. I go fucking mustache. You know what I mean? Figure out what you can do to make yourself feel a little better. And that's it. But you got to stop wearing hats where it doesn't make sense. You look stupid. I promise you that. It's hot as you're sweating and you got a beanie on. People are like, fucking weirdo.

What were you doing at the hospital when you worked at the hospital? Patient transporter. Oh, hell yeah, dude. For an outsourced company. So you were just moving like old people and shit around or? Yeah. Well, I did. First day I had to move a dead body. Oh, fuck. Whole time I thought it was a prank. Yeah.

You're smiling. I was like psyching myself up because they're going to jump out any minute. And then I was like, no. No, just a dead body. This is what your job is. This is what you're getting paid minimum wage for. Minimum wage. To move dead bodies. To move dead bodies. Oh, my God. Yeah, at least mafia guys got a nice pretty penny to move a dead body. Yeah, you get a pinky ring. Head from a sex traffic Ukrainian stripper. You know, cool stuff.

All right, let's get it on. Good luck to our bald friend. Good luck, brother. Hey, Stassi. Hey, Eldest. Hey, Gus. Love the pod. I have a weird problem at work. So I am a scientist at a small lab, and I think one of my colleagues took my lab notebook home for the weekend, snooped through it, and tried to put it back without me noticing, which of course I did.

So about a month or two ago, I was put onto this project with this colleague who had been struggling with it for the past, um, like six months. Someone stole your shit. And then the past few months I've made a ton of progress to the point where I'm pretty much set to finish it up in the next like week or two. But there's always been like some tension with this dude because while he's technically more experienced, he's like 10 years older than me. He used to be a professor, uh,

He's just like pretty bad in the lab. So like I share all my results like and like what I'm thinking for like how to progress the project forward with him and my boss. But I get the vibe that this guy expects me to be a lot more referential than him. As in he'd like me to check in with him for like every little detail. But that's not really how I work.

And he's like not really good at like recognizing what's important. And he's not my boss. So the actual event is that usually I'll leave my notebook at like my desk or something, but always in the same place. And that notebook always has details about my experiments. And that's like kind of it. I just like write everything down in it. When I got in on Monday, I couldn't find my notebook anywhere. And I spent like a good amount of time looking for it.

Eventually, it turns up in the place I always put it, but suspiciously timed after this guy shows up to work. I don't really have any hard evidence. That's awesome to steal someone's shit and be like, I'll put it back when I get there. I'm not getting there. I'm not getting there early. That's all. I kind of respect that guy for that move. Anyway, keep going. If he did actually do it, I'm pretty creeped out and annoyed.

Like, it seems like pretty micromanage-y and I also like needed my book. Not really sure what to do. Like, do I confront this guy? Um, do I like try to talk to him about it? Do I just leave it be? It's like a weird thing, but like, not really like kind of that big of a deal. I just feel like, I don't know. I feel weird about it. Yeah. All right.

Help me out. All right, love y'all. Bye. Interesting. Here's what I would do to see if he's stealing it. I would put some shit in my notebook or switch it out and be like, oh, this guy fucking Charles, he's so hot, but only when he wears blue. I really want to fuck Charles when he's wearing a blue shirt. He's so fucking hot. I don't know what it is. And if this guy starts coming around in fucking teal polos...

He stole it. We're assuming he's straight. That is true. That is true. I am assuming he's straight. I thought this show was people calling up being like, I accidentally fucked my dog. This is like somebody's cheating off of me and I can't prove it.

I bet you we got one of those coming up right after this one, Connor. Don't you worry. This sounds so abstract, like my science ideas. I know. It's like she works. She's working on a thing to like up... Inventions. Pulverize...

civilians probably. There's no science that gets funded in America anymore. Sounds like Hobgoblin's Spider-Man science experiment. It's a way to completely... There's like a destruction ray she's working on for the Navy. She's a scientist. Why doesn't she poison this guy or something? So true. Come up with a concoction.

Or Oppenheimer, I don't know, I didn't see the movie, but he had his bike chain where if you went over a certain RPM, the bike chain would fall apart. Really? Yeah. So he didn't lock his bike up anywhere. He just knew that he had to ride a certain speed. So maybe there's something with like booby trap your notebook where it like sprays like ink. Yeah. An ink thing would be awesome actually. And that's like science. That's science. And you'd be like, I'm doing ink science. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. Yeah.

So, okay. She's working for Epstein and the guy stealing her notebook is Fauci. Yeah, are you... Wait a second. Are you trying to get us to take more vaccines, bitch? Because then I'm on his side. Yeah, I mean, this is so funny to be like... And everyone knows this vibe too where it's like,

Your older coworker is some dumbass who didn't, like, who's just not, hasn't kept up, was, like, might have been good at something, like, 10 years ago. Yeah. But doesn't have the juice anymore, and they're just trying to, like, cling on for dear life. Yeah. I think you have to, like, I think you have to, you do have to booby trap him somehow, legit. Yeah.

I actually think you need a way... Maybe it's not ink blowing up on his shit, but like... You could get like a ring camera or something like that. A camera or like something where it's like if your thing is moved, it makes a fucking noise. Like it's like beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Or like what would they do like when you would go to the class trip to the state capitol, they would like tape the doors. So if you left, they knew. I didn't know that. What was that?

I heard it. They had you all in a room or something? Well, like, there was an option in eighth grade. Like, you'd go down to Springfield State, see the state. And I remember I was a bad kid. What'd you do, man? I think I wore a shirt that said, like...

Bull shirt on it? Bull shirt. It was like a Simpsons thing, and they were like, you can't. I'm like, fine, I don't fucking care. I don't fucking give a shit. I'm going to drink a Mickey's 40 and eat a Chalupa, you fucking bitch. I'm going to go eat and drink like a 45-year-old man in the 70s.

I'm going to have four microwave dinners. I'm going to have four back-to-back Salisbury steaks and some Coors and some fucking Miller High Life. Watch some Seinfeld reruns on UPN. Call it a night.

This is so beyond, like, I don't, I wouldn't, she should just, like... I would, okay, yeah, I mean, none of us really, I mean, Eldest had kind of a real job. He's the one who's had a real job, though. I've never had a job where this is like, oh, a notebook is important. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I've only had jobs where it's like, you have to be here and make sure the door is closed. Yeah. Okay. Move this corpse. Yeah. Straighten these cords out. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I mean...

I would... I literally... I'm not kidding. I actually would... You're suspicious, but you have no proof, right? So I would make sure that he actually is taking your shit, whether that's hidden camera or whether that's some kind of funny booby trap, and then you can confront him, honestly. But it doesn't seem like... It also seems like he's not stealing her shit to get ahead. He's stealing it to, like...

pretend he's her boss and check up on her is what it seems like. Like, it doesn't feel like it doesn't. Yeah. I mean, fuck this guy. If he's not your boss, he can suck your dick. And I would just make sure he's not fucking clearly if he's if if he took your shit, he's not the kind of guy that like a conversation is going to like clear things like, oh, yeah, my bad. I'm sorry. He might be like, whatever. I thought it was for all of us.

Yeah, yeah. Or I would have a bootleg. I would also have like a, nah, but this is too involved, to have a fake journal where you write wrong things. I would try that. That could be fun. All right, duplicate your current journal and the newest pages, make them fake. Like a Patrick Bateman journal, like at the end of American Psycho. Yeah, yeah. Put that out, see what happens. But yeah, good luck. I mean, you know, this guy seems like a fucking dickhead.

But, you know, fuck him. And I say catch him in his own game. We're not giving out the area codes, right? We're not, no. You know that area code? No, I was trying to figure it out. We'll look it up later. Who else needs our fucking expertise, Eldis?

Hi, Stavi. I have been talking to this person, a guy, for about a year, and we've never met each other, but we used to match each other's energy, like texting back and forth on and off. But, you know, it just seems like it has dwindled down to almost nothing, and, like, it'll take him, like, 16 hours to respond, which I'm like, are you just not interested? Like, what is your problem?

And then I also have another problem of when I block people, men, and it's usually abrupt because I just get tired of them.

They make a new like phone number or Snapchat and try to contact me. Like, so what does that mean? So it's just like the ones that I want don't want me and the ones that I don't want, want me. And yeah, that's how it works. It's very confusing. So I would just like your advice about that. Okay. Well, first of all, you're, you're complaining that a guy takes too long to text you back and he's not that interested and,

like put yourself in these guys shoes that you block would you want this guy to block you maybe you do maybe she's a very direct person she's like I get the I get the thing but it's like um I wouldn't go with the insta block if the guy's not being really strange I would just let the conversation dwindle and kind of take a page out of this guy's book who doesn't seem that interested in you and just kind of slowly let it you know go away um 16 hours is so specific um

Yeah, 16 hours is pretty specific. But it also kind of makes sense, too. It's like middle of the next day. Yeah. You know? Is this like a thing that's like she likes that? She doesn't like it. Like if he was like all, you know, kind of a... If he was on her dick. Yeah. Making you Google voice numbers to... Block. Block. But instead it's like, oh, you're not giving me attention. Okay. Yeah, and also like you never met this fucking guy.

I mean, maybe this is a youth thing. Might not be real. Kids. Well, it's just like, I do feel like younger, some Gen Z motherfuckers will have entire relationships and never meet each other. Yeah. But I still am a little bit of the like. I mean, I work with people that I've like meet like two years later. Yeah. Just doing video stuff. Yeah. Yeah. But that's, we're not. You're not trying to suck him off. Yeah. Or suck her off. Yeah. Maybe. Who's the hottest guy you work with?

You want to suck? You, dude. Thanks, man. That's awesome. That's nice of you to say. I don't really want you to suck my dick, though, man. I'm sorry. I don't know. So she wants this guy to text her back, or she's like, what the fuck's the deal? And then other. So it seems like she's getting a lot of people texting. She's texting. She's on Snapchat. Look, this is not a very complicated question. This is how life goes.

Yes, the people you don't want to fuck you find annoying, and the person you do want to fuck, if they don't give you the right attention, it makes you sad. You're just going to have to keep at it, sister, until you find somebody that actually wants to meet up with you. But a guy that you've never met, and also a guy that's never tried to meet up with you, that's a guy that's just kind of like maybe keeping you on the back burner. Maybe he's a coward. Maybe he's just found someone easier, closer, nearby. Yeah.

And like, what does it mean that the guys are getting, are making you phone numbers? Could mean two couple things. One, these are all fucking lunatics.

Two, though, you say it's abrupt, right? So they might be literally confused. Like if it goes from a pleasant conversation to green text bubbles, you're going to be like, what the fuck? That was weird. Let me try and get in contact with her, see if everything's okay. Does that mean that it's blocked? Sometimes. If it goes from iPhone to green bubbles, yes. Interesting. Sometimes it does mean that. That's a big problem for me now. Yeah. So, yeah, I don't know. Yeah.

These young motherfuckers need to get out. You need to get out. Touch some people. You need to touch some grass. You need to touch some cock. IRL. You need to do it. IRL. You know, they probably... I was thinking about this. Remember, like, when every city had, like, a gay neighborhood? Sure. Now that's gone. Now everywhere. Now every neighborhood is gay. Every neighborhood is gay. Now you can suck and fuck at every bathroom stall from here to fucking Jersey. Yeah.

Yeah, there used to be a nice contained place. Call it a little Madagascar. Yeah. We're thing you to stick around. You're fine here. You're fine here. Don't you dare let me see that shit where me and my children are. Look, you're going to be grooming us.

Dude, I can't come into work. I got groomed. I got groomed. I got fucking groomed. I got groomed. I'm a 40-year-old man, but I was convinced to... Oh, God, I got groomed again. I got groomed. I got this guy. I went to the bathhouse and got groomed. I don't know what happened. This guy talked to me. Yeah, that is awesome. It's real. It is...

It is so... That word is so quickly losing any meaning. Every word. Because they're just saying, oh yeah, gay people are all pedophiles. Also, somebody has to have made this point, right? Like, with the book stuff. Like, who is like, I might be gay. I'm going to go to the library. Yeah.

No I'm gonna pull out my phone And search like The most hardcore pornography I can find Yeah I'm gonna do a test I'm gonna pull up I'm gonna search butt fucking In X videos And if it does something to me I'm going shopping For tighter jeans That's what's going on Although actually now Gay guys are They're on baggy jeans Yeah

Good for us. Yeah. It's nice for it to come back. Yeah, yeah. Big and tall, finally. The jeans I was wearing, because I grew up in Baltimore, so it was like very baggy, throwback, Jersey style. Yeah. Style of stuff. I feel like those jeans, I feel like gay people are wearing like,

jeans from rap videos when we were 16. Yeah, G-Unit. Those tank tops were pretty gay too, by the way. The tank tops with the little... Yeah, with the ribbed... The different ribbed shit. Yeah, or like his strips. Yeah. And then it went into a bigger... Because 50 was jacked, so he wanted to show off those pecs. That's a pretty... He's turned into a fat guy.

He's pretty fat these days. It's really funny what his arc is now. He's just like, I own vitamin water. I'm fat. I'm rich. I'm fat. I weirdly fucked Chelsea Handler for like four months. It's been like five years ago. Do you guys remember that? Oh, yeah. 50 Cent and Chelsea. I wonder who he's fucking these days. I love 50 Cent, man. He came right at the right time for me. That era of rap is so funny. Yeah. We got 50. We got...

The game. The game. I guess all I'm thinking is all the like adjacent, you know, D12, a lot of Eminem adjacent stuff. It was like in the 60s you had like, you know...

that were like trying to change the world or whatever and then in the 70s it was like Led Zeppelin Bad Company yeah like we don't care we're just about like we're playing music we're gonna fuck children yeah that is another thing everyone who talks about gay people being groomers it's like don't listen to any classic rock yeah every classic rock song is like I went into a high school and had sex with a child yeah well

I wanna fuck a 12-year-old. It's like, they're talking about like, hi, Donna. And then you're like, Donna was a local 11-year-old lemonade sales stand girl that the Rolling Stones ran a train on.

They put a snapping turtle in her pussy. Oh, yeah. Was that Zeppelin? Yeah. Zeppelin apparently put a fish in a girl's pussy who was probably like... Like, every famous groupie was like 14 to 16. It was so fucked. The song Dirty Laundry by Don Henley. Oh, yeah? That's about, like...

You remember in Boogie Nights when the 12-year-old ODs have... That happened at his house. Goddamn, dude. And then the paparazzi were like... And he wrote this victimized... I'm a victim of the paparazzi. Because I had a child. Who amongst us hasn't partied with our sexy child? And they die of cocaine at our house. And that's nobody's fucking business. What do you want? Come on. People die at Disney World. Yeah.

Yeah, are you at a fucking Michael Eisner's house taking pictures? Because some little kid fucking died on the Pirates of the Caribbean? No, I don't think so. Anyway, back to our friend here. So, yeah, that's how life goes. You seem like a young person. You seem like you don't know that that's how things are. Life is dog shit. It's pain and suffering. Nothing ever really goes your way.

maybe you'll find someone that you actually connect with. And like if match each other's energies back and forth, like you say, and it dwindled, that means it's over and he's kind of a coward. He's not going to say, Hey, I moved on. But then again, you kind of, you're reaping what you sow here because you don't, if you're talking to someone and you're bored, you just block them. How do you do that over text though? You can't break it off.

Like that's the only way to stop is just to kind of let it. You're right. Peter, Peter off. So it's a little bit. I think that's a little bit of the social contract is like knowing like, OK, yeah, yeah. You know what's going on here. So just be realistic. We show up at their house or yeah. Find his IP address. Docs him, swat him, be like, is this what you want? You fucking asshole. Text me back. I showed you my tits and I said your dick looked big even though it didn't.

I'm being a good guy. Yeah, sorry. That's how it is. You know, most of young love is like that, I would say. You know? Most of young love is thinking you have a girlfriend, and then she calls you the next day and says she got fingered at a party by accident. And then you're like, oh, well, don't let it happen again. I want to slide this time. Yeah.

Goddamn. Do you have any fat girlfriends in high school, man, that you were drinking paps with? No, it was basically asexual. Hell yeah, dude. Again, I love that. That's a cute... Being fat is like you do get people that are fat little cute asexuals. You're a cherub. You don't exist. No. Yeah, there are two modes. It's like cherub or like...

what I'm going with now, which is like, well, you, you have Seder, you have success. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was like that in high school too. I was like party guy. No, not a party guy. I was, I was the same way where I was like, I got no pussy whatsoever. Yeah. I'm just here on a mountain bike hanging out with you guys. Yeah. What's going on? All right. You guys are going to go in that room and fuck. Cool. I'm going to watch entourage. Oh, fuck.

Alright, give us a nice one, Big L, to see what we got here. Hey, it's Dobby. I love you, man. What the fuck's going on? So, I'm a soldier. Okay. I'm in the army. And... Why are you whispering? I just got back from a deployment. I'm about to steal a gun. I've been spiraling pretty hard. Oh, no. Spiraling. You name it. Drugs. Women. Drugs.

squandering money, all of that stuff. I'm going deep, like super fucking deep. Okay. And I'm trying to reintegrate myself into the civilian world. And it's been very tough for me to do that because I don't have the structure right now. I have a job coming up, but it's just been a little tough in the meantime.

to develop some form of a routine. So do you got any advice for someone that just got out of a really structured environment and is now coming back to chaos, what feels like chaos? Yeah, I've been on a bender, man. Help me out. Bye. Yeah, bro. You're asking an awful lot. I thought this show was like me and my roommate are sharing butt plugs.

Instead, this is like, we got to get this guy's info. We got to call him. We got to do a wellness check on him. You and I got to start giving him money. Yeah.

Yeah, what the fuck am I supposed to do here? I mean, look, buddy, I get it. I get it, you know? It is hilarious how much the Army just does not give a fuck about these people. They're like, all right, figure it out for, you know, six weeks. Yeah, man. And I also would love to see the kind of... Like, he's a soldier. He's probably like, you know, he sounds pretty young, probably came from a dog shit place. He probably has, like...

$11,000 that he's buying pussy with. Yeah. He's probably buying just the worst... He's on meth just getting the worst head of all time. Got a charger he can't afford. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. 100%. Yeah, he's cruising for street pussy in his charger with the Hemi. Yeah, buddy. I mean, look. If you... You just...

Now, I'm no fucking self-control expert here, right? That's really not my strong suit. But I will say that you do kind of have to just set your own fucking goals here. You have to just... You have to create structure for yourself. It sounds like you're about to have a job. That's good. But can you just re... Can you just kind of...

I mean, not as strict as what the army has you fucking do, but it's like you just had a pretty structured thing. Do you just need someone to hold your feet to the fire to get anything done? I mean, this might also be like a pendulum swinging the other way. You need a little, yeah. Where it's like we're in the military. Now you've got all this freedom going nuts, and then the job will, you know. Yeah. Hopefully that'll happen. Yeah, exactly. You need help. Reach out for it.

Yeah, here's the thing. Go to the job, man. Don't be like, I need a little more time. If it's really this bad, don't be calling a podcast. Go to a doctor, okay? I know. You need to go to fucking rehab, honestly. You need to go to some kind of treatment center, bro. It's not me and Eldest don't got the answers for you.

Because it's also like the army kind of just sets you up and it's like they're just using you as like cheap labor. They don't really give a fuck about you. It's probably hard on your... I don't know if you've done anything bad, but that's probably hard. Just being in the army is probably not good for your psyche, let alone like when you want all this freedom to be like you're buttoned up. But it sounds like you just have some underlying substance abuse and control issues that you should go to

I don't know if it's rehab or if it's like, you know, counseling or what. And by the way...

You should have some kind of resources here through the army, don't you think? I think they're really fucked, too. Yeah, you're probably right. I mean, look how many homeless people are fucking veterans. I mean, they're V.A. shit. But maybe they probably get at least a therapist or something. Yeah. He'll contact the V.A. They'll be like, have you considered doing another tour? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your mind right. The V.A. is like, oh, interesting. Why don't you come into this room and it's just a gun with one bullet in it? That's true.

I mean, if the job's coming up, he might get back on the job and kind of be better. So is he discharged? I don't get it. He just got back from an employment deployment. Because here's the thing. If you're still enlisted, you are still an investment for the Army. So they might actually give a fuck about you. Well, I think when you...

even when you're done, I think you have to do like National Guard or like State. Right, right. And that's... For a certain amount of time, yeah. Yeah. But if they think you're going to go back out on deployment, I guess my point is they might have resources because it's like, if you kill yourself now, they really haven't gotten their money's worth out of their training. So they might... I mean, this is making me think like, thank God I was fat in high school. Yeah. Because I just did not exist to the recruiters. Yeah.

Did you have recruiters show up? There were always recruiters in the lunchroom. There were, and you're right. I was too fat to eat. They just were like, you don't exist to me. But I was, yeah, I would have never. You think you would have gotten recruited? I think I was dumb enough to just, not dumb, but, you know, like, I mean, they pray after. Of course. I didn't go to college. Right, right, right. But, yeah.

There was no way. I don't know. I knew I was, I had a little too much anti-army going on, even in high school. Eldest keeps talking about how he wants to join the army. To this day, Eldest thinks he could be. Got till you're 35 to join the Navy. I need the structure. I can lose weight, get like a little fit. Look at what it did for Hunter Biden. You got till 35? Yeah. Eldest, you got what? Four more months? Could I do it?

Maybe. I think so. It'd be fun to be on a big boat with all your friends. Yeah. You know, maybe you get to experience killing a person, like, legally, lawfully, like...

You know, I don't want to, but that could be just a life experience or something. A possibility. No, that's a good point. Yeah, dude. Get some help, brother. Get some real help, bro. Reach out to somebody. Maybe there's some veterans support groups or something like that. Don't look at this fucking guy, pal. Jesus Christ. It ain't going to be me, pal. I can just tell you what. Stop, which is what I would tell you, is like, chill out. Look.

you want advice from me on, I can give you advice on how to get, you know, 10 Pornhub tabs going at the same time. That's about it. The best browser for jacking off. Yeah. This,

So yeah, good luck, pal. Sorry, we don't have more for you. But you do just make I would say get professional help to the point where you're not fucking up the job. Because that's this might be like a deep point of shame for like, you know, when you're like on a bend or something. And this might be we swing back. But like, yeah, if you don't, well, then. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to keep going down the bender. Love you, brother. But we love you. And why don't you give some fun for us to end on all this? Is this you think you got it?

I think so. Okay. Let's see if you did it. Hey, Stav. So here's my question. Let her stand up and all that shit. Roses, roses, roses. Okay. So I have hemorrhoids. Okay. And I'm also broke. So I use a Sharpie to deliver Aquaphor into my asshole. Super embarrassing is what it is. And I also have IBS, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The question that I have is, I was seeing this girl for a while, and the same Sharpie that I would use to deliver the Aquaphor into my ass, well, I saw her using it the other day. What? And she has a weird habit of, like, putting pens in her mouth, and she put that Sharpie in her mouth.

And, you know, I do try to keep it clean just because, like, sanitary reasons, but I... Hold on. Pause this. Eldest, now you, I don't know if you've been diagnosed. What do you think he means by Sharpie to put Aquaphor in his ass? Like, you think he puts Sharpie, he puts Aquaphor on the tip of the Sharpie? With his toothbrush? Yeah. And he shoves it up his ass? Sometimes they have internal. Yes. Okay. Okay.

I've used hemorrhoid cream before. And what do you do? You put a finger up your ass? Well, it was like a prescription ointment. Okay. And there's a little plastic tip that you put on top of it. Syringe-esque, but not sharp like a syringe. It has like holes on this side. And you put it up your ass and you squeeze? Yeah. I was never really completely sure like how you're supposed to use it, but I think you kind of put it. It's topical.

Sometimes you have internal. You put a little cream up your ass. Yeah, I think mine were internals, so I needed the little adapter for the asshole. So is this guy pouring Aquaphor under the side of his Sharpie and sticking it up his ass, you think? He's fucking his ass with the...

With Sharpie, just not very deep probably. Yeah. Just to get some aquaphor on the inside of his asshole. Sharpie. Interesting. Why would you use a Sharpie? It's weird to then just like, I'll put this with the other pens. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, keep that in the medicine cabinet.

That's fucking crazy. The viewers at home don't know that we can Google Translate. We can see them. So in my mind, all of these, I'm like, sounds like they're reading. Yeah. But I'm reading. You're reading. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this might be, somebody might be doing a little skit here. This feels a little fake, Eldis. We'll see. Let's let the rest of it go. I'm wondering if I should tell her. She's never eaten my ass, so there's that. Hmm.

Uh, yeah, so, am I still seeing her? On and off, but, uh, yeah, I don't know. Should I tell her? Should I not just, like, let a sleeping dog lie? What do you mean, tell her? Hey, that Sharpie, I put it up my ass. What the fuck do you mean, tell her? This guy's full of shit. Is there anything more? Is there anything else?

There might be sources. What's the end? I don't know if I can hide my face. If I see... I don't know. Maybe just hide the pen. I don't know. This is fucking... I know I'm trash. I got it. It's fucking...

Your advice would be appreciative, and if nothing else, maybe a fucking okay story to share with your next guest. Anyway, bye. This guy is really too pleased with himself. Yeah, this is a little... I mean, imagine if this actually happened. Now I'm actually... Maybe he's not making it. Maybe he...

Yeah, this feels a little like he's like, oh, this crazy story. Yeah, I think he wanted to share the story a little bit. He doesn't really have a question. Right. He just puts, I guess I could see somebody putting aquifer up their ass with a Sharpie. I mean, I've had hemorrhoids when I didn't have money. It's not that expensive. It's something you can spring for. Also, aquifer is expensive. Yeah. Isn't it? Look up what aquifer costs and look up what hemorrhoid cream costs.

Okay, a 3.5-ounce jar is $9 at Target. If you go to, like, I heard that you get hemorrhoids if you smoke crack. Interesting. So in a lot of neighborhoods where there's high crack use, they put the hemorrhoid cream behind plexiglass. That's what I heard.

I had a friend that had hemorrhoids. Lives in a bad neighborhood and was like, I had to ask somebody. I went to a CVS downtown LA. Like half of the store was behind places. Yeah, yeah. The one downtown LA is fucking insane. It's a different universe. It's fucked up. That's like Mad Max down there. It is insane. Okay, now look. A one ounce hemorrhoid ointment is $6. This guy's full of shit. Fuck this guy.

Well, Eldest, you blew it again on the last call. What a piece of shit. Something fun for our friend Connor to go out on, and then we have this guy clearly lying about putting Aquifer up his ass with a Sharpie. Because everybody has done some kind of version, not exactly this, but some kind of like, I have to do this disgusting thing or whatever. Yeah. You then, that Sharpie then becomes like...

It's like OJ's gloves. Yeah. You're not putting it out somewhere easily accessible. Yeah, this guy's... I didn't like his whole thing. The roses, roses, roses up top made me think, what is this? Yeah, I didn't like his vibe. And it would be funny if he is telling the truth. If I see you on the street, I'm putting a fucking hole in your head. Taking a piece of rebar. Right in your fucking...

stabbing you in the head with a rusty piece of rebar. Don't fucking swear. Don't ever. Don't fucking lie about this shit. Don't lie, dude. This is sacred stuff here. Well, okay. I think that's going to do it. You know, not a really great crop of questions this episode, but, you know, what are you going to do? Definitely contact Suicide Hotline.

Don't call this place. Do not call this place and don't lie about putting stuff up your ass. Yeah, call this place if you're like, oh, I left my porn out when my friend, my dad. My dad used my pocket pussy. Yeah. I'm pretty sure my dad used my pocket pussy, but I'm not positive. Yeah. We'll help you out with that. Yeah. Here's what you do in that situation. Put a little hot sauce in your pocket pussy. A little prank on dad. You hear your dad go, ah!

You know he used it. All right, there we go. We invented a good question to answer. That's a good question, yeah. Because Eldest blew it this episode. You take what you get. That's what it is. Connor, thanks for being on the show, buddy. Thanks for having me, brother. Of course, anytime. Go watch The Mask. Go watch Connor's shit. And we'll talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye.