#46 - David Gborie and Langston Kerman
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. We're back. 904-800-STOV. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. I'm pumped to have my boys in the mix. We got Langston Kern. We got David Borey in the mix. In the fucking studio. Hell yeah, boys. Thanks for coming through. Thank you for having us. Yeah, dude. No, I'm pumped. Langston, I mean, we... I remember we...

You were in New York for a while. Yeah. That's where we basically met. And boy, we randomly, the first time we ever encountered each other was just...

both taking the train at the Denver airport in the opposite direction. Yeah, that was fun. Because I wanted to be like, hey, I know you. Yeah, it was that kind of thing where I was like, yeah, I know you, dude. Like, we had never met, but I was like, yeah. You know, I keep a Rolodex of other fat, funny comedians. Right, you got to know what's going on in the streets. Part of me was hoping you guys had both pressed your hand to the glass.

I'll never forget you. It felt like a meet-cute. It did, yeah, yeah. If we had just a couple more seconds. Yeah, that's where our rom-com would have started. I know, I know. But we were ships passing in the night. Yeah.

I'm going to wipe some cappuccino foam off your lips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to jerk me or something? Yeah, yeah. We could have figured it out. I don't know who would have jerked who, but, you know. It's up to you to decide. That's vibes based. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, of course. You'd like to say you're the one getting jerked, but nobody knows until they're eye to eye with that dick what they're going to do. Everybody thinks they're getting jerked. Everyone thinks they're getting jerked and not jerking. Yeah. No one grows up like, I'm going to grow up and jerk. You know what I mean? I hope Steve Harvey comes out and writes that book. Think like a jerk? Think like a jerk. Jerk like a man. Jerk like a man.

Absolutely. I would love that. That's priceless advice. Yeah, that's...

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I think I'm going to change back, actually. That's really great. But thank you, boys, for coming on to the pod. I'm, you know, both very funny. And your podcast is fucking awesome. Thank you. My mama told me. I love the hook of it's about black conspiracy theories. Yeah. Because, you know, everyone does, I think, like, you know, conspiracy theories right now.

Well, first of all, some things happened where conspiracy theories have now just fully become Republican or like far right. Which is not fair. Which is never, it always used to be like, that was, certainly there was, it was like there was a contingent of those people, you know, very, I mean, and most of those end up being just anti-Semitic conspiracy theories. Oh, everything. If you really, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that's true. That was very good. Yeah.

Ice cream's out there, man. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. Black people aren't exactly on the right side of history. We got some Farrakhan-based conspiracy theories, probably. So, yeah, I mean, that's a nice swath of it.

But yeah, it's like, conspiracy theories, I feel like have got, like, QAnon has kind of mainstreamed them with, weirdly, like, the Republican Party. Yeah. Where it's like, conspiracy theories, everyone, if you just, if you take any type of person and just get weirder, everyone has their fucking conspiracy theories. Everybody. Yeah. Everybody. And I mean, honestly, we say it's about conspiracy theories, but I think, and I don't want to overstep, it's really just like...

What do you call it? It's like a cover for us to use hate speech. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're mostly working to be bigots out loud in a way that we can't without an idea. Of course, of course. You need to have an in. You can't just be like, hey, this is what I think about Croatians. Right, right, right, right, right. And boy, do we have a lot of thoughts about Croatians. Come on.

at me. No, I don't mean that. And it's, I mean, yeah, it's conspiracy theories, but also it's just like weird, like little customs and superstitions too. Like it's a lot of superstitious shit, which is pretty funny. That's the fun of it, I think, is like there's so much shit where...

It's like, oh, I didn't even know that what I've been repeating for 36 years was incorrect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Until I was confronted with an adult being like, hey, bro, you're not supposed to say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I've just been repeating things that are not true over and over again. What are some faves? What are some faves? Some classic ones that get caught? My personal favorite that we've...

had we oh this was a fun one we once did there was somebody who believed that Michael Jackson is the love child of Diana Ross and Smokey Robinson that's awesome secretly they had an affair during the Motown days made this child gave it to Joe Jackson and then handed them off to Joe Jackson because it was like a child of sin right right right right

That's the last time I get my baby to. And Barry Gordon trained him up. Well, that's the thing. It's like, yeah, but that's kind of like an offering to Moe. It's just like, here's our baby. It's like giving a baby superhero to fucking Nick Fury or something. You know what I mean? It's like, you know Joe Jackson is going to abuse that child to greatness. It's going to hit its ceiling. Who's the meanest man we know? Yeah, yeah.

Let's give the baby to him. That's a tough line, too, between good abuse and then they're just going to go to prison abuse. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of an art form. Well, it all hinges on the kid being able to sing.

You take that, you take not being able to sing out of it, and it's gone. You really thread the needle, I have to say. If his kids had no talent, he's just one of the most abusive guys of all time. And they grow up to just be like dog fighters or something. Which is what Marlon's doing now. Really? I don't know. Who's been checking on Marlon Jackson lately? I bet he's fighting dogs. I'd love that.

It was funny, the whole, like, when you start finding out about, like, when you start finding out about all the, like, tertiary Jacksons. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, it's just, that was a hilarious moment for me, because it's like, you know, I just grew up knowing Michael Jackson. And so to, like, be like, wait, there's all these strange, like, different... And then when...

Is it Latonya Jackson? Latoya. Latoya, who just started getting the same plastic surgery? Yeah. That was fucking wild. She was just like, I need the same nose. She got her brother's face. She was like, all right, people don't even know I'm his sister, so I'm going to start getting the same shit going on. She got her brother's face and then started doing porn? Yeah.

Baby girl, you are going through it. I miss that. That's awesome. Male, female? I think it was more like erotica. She wasn't boning, but she was showing puss. No penetration, but showing puss. Okay, okay. Interesting. I hate that. Showing puss is an interesting Rubicon. I don't like it. It's like either don't show it or get it.

Get it pounded. Grow up. You know, one or the other. What are you... I don't want to just look at it without... There's a world for... Like, we've lost nuance in our society with... In terms of pornography. I do think there is a space for softcore porn. Really? I've lost patience for it, obviously, because it's like... Because you're a grown man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was... That should... I do think it filled an interesting part in society for, like, when you're 13...

You know what I mean? Like, you shouldn't be beating off the shit kids have access to. You should be looking at tits through, like, a fucking, like, like, um, like a veil. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Vaseline on the camera. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boys, I'm gonna, I'm gonna say something unpopular here. I still really like soft toys. Yeah, wow. Wow.

To this day. I know this thing is just fine. That's awesome. This is a crazy person thing. No, I like that. I like that. What? It's all right. You know what it is? No, no. I actually really respect this, Langston, because this is like in a world of like monster energy drink. Yeah. And like people who are, you know, who are doing five hour energies and shit like that. You're a guy who's like, I have a little Earl Grey tea. Yeah. And that's all the caffeine you need. They overdose us. Yeah.

They give us too much, you know? And it's like, I really respect that because we all probably could jack off the tits at just wobbling if we kept our discipline and didn't completely just go like... No, I go for a jog. I jerk off to a lady behind a curtain. Yeah, yeah.

This is ideal for me. It's so classy. I really do respect that. I mean, I'm way too far gone to be able to... But that's honestly what scares me. It's like I don't... We talk about this all the time. Yeah, it comes up. This guy's search history is sick. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Don't do that to me. This guy's vile. I just like it to look like real people is all. Okay. And sometimes that's gross. Yeah. It should be gross. What we're doing is gross. And that's. It should look gross. That's where I, where I fundamentally disagree. Yeah. I think, I think it can look majestic. Interesting. Interesting. You want to sit in your ivory tower. I want somebody to get dogged out in a 7-Eleven bathroom.

And like, you're not better than me for that. This is very interesting. If you would put out the theory that the way you jack off is a mirror to oneself, do you have, do you, do you, is this self-hatred being like, I'm disgusting, I'm a fucking piece of shit, I need to see the worst people of all time getting their pussy torn up versus like, I hate how you phrased it. You know what I mean? Look how he's dressed. Look at us and look at him. You know what I mean? Yeah.

What do we jack off to? What does he jack off to? This fucking guy, like, you know what I mean? He took a shower. I was literally, I woke up, I had cold pizza that has been just unrefrigerated since we ordered it at whatever, midnight last night, or not even, like, 10 p.m. last night. But you had a two-day cap on that. That's true, but that's what I'm saying. It's like, that was my day. That logic is not true.

That's not science. I never thought of that. No, you're right. The FDA didn't come forward and like, hey, everybody, you're good for two days. We've been doing our own research, Langston. Okay, the people, I'm going to speak for Eldest too, the three of us have survived on that one.

on that logic for years. You don't even have to put it in the fridge till day two. But that is something to it. It's like, what if he's, you know, he's jacking off the dainty shit. Right. He's the most put together. You know what I mean? I think some, I will admit that I think some of this is cowardice. That's what I'm saying. That's all part of you too though. He doesn't want to face the nature of it. He's,

It's nasty. It's gross. Guess what? Sometimes raccoons eat out of the trash. You know what I'm saying? I just like those animal documentaries where they don't fully show the zebra get massacred. They show all the moments leading up to it, but you don't get to see the veins getting pulled out of their neck. Well, there's a little imagination to it. But then, I mean, you could argue, do we really need to see that? And I agree that it is nasty in terms of like...

If you take it out of context, as an observer, when you're in it, you shouldn't be feeling like, this is disgusting. No. You should be getting a nut off. You know what I mean? That's what I'm doing when I'm watching it, too. It's the same, like, you know what I mean? I see. You want that sense of, oh, this is fucked up after you nut. No, I don't want that sense. That's just where I end up sometimes. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Where like I finish and I like snap to. Of course. I'm at my kitchen table like, fuck, what did I just do? But Langston's grooving out the smooth jazz after he busts. But if I can unify us, I also feel ashamed. It's not like I go and I go, boy, was that a classy thing that I did. It's still equally embarrassing and fucking animalistic. And here's the other thing.

it's presented as more classy but the people in those are you probably just as exploited yeah they just sucked the producer's dick off camera yeah yeah yeah instead of on camera like that lady in the softcore porn dude the stuff I like

i don't think it is that exploitive i think it's like i watch my looks like found footage right yeah yeah yeah like these are people having consensual sex yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah they can send to have it on x videos listen okay now what i'm a doctor i'm a porn doctor dude i don't know the answer to that that's what i know that these people are having sex because they like each other those ladies are doing it for

money. No, they're desperate and terribly alone. I'm just watching the Whole Foods cashier do it. She still has the polo on. The store was empty and this guy really needed some produce. That's another fun... I want to go back to the conspiracy theory angle too, but

black porn growing up in Baltimore City, that was always a stark difference in how I jacked off. And how, you know, like, I mean, I also, you know, we're about the same age, everybody here. So I grew up on the cusp and we didn't have internet. So it's not like I really, but once I had it, I was like, you know, I'm going to Bang Bros. I'm jacking off to 42nd.

Yeah, the clips. Download the clips. Download the clips. I'm finding a lot of Greek magazines which did show tits. Whoa. You know what I mean? Just like their regular magazines. A regular magazine. Greek essence magazine. There would be tits. And it wouldn't be every time. So I had this whole thing where it was like...

there was a specific magazine called, it was called Otahidromos, which just means the mailman. And it was attached, it was like, you know how like New York Times has a magazine attached to the paper? Where it was like they came together

I guess it was like the Sunday issue of this. My dad would get the Greek newspaper delivered and I would just bolt home before anyone. And it was just like a fact-finding mission of being like, are there tits? And I'd be like, there are titties? Or I would like write down page 49. I would shut it down.

Right? And then I, because you couldn't be too obvious. You couldn't immediately grab it and take it to the bathroom. You shut it down, you whistle away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I would let my parents kind of, you know, read it a couple, you know, get done with it and basically be thrown away. And then I would like thumb through it under the guise of like, I'm interested in Greek culture and reading Greek, whatever. And

After like four days, I'd be like, all right, time to... And even then I would camouflage just like, well, I'm going to read this while shitting, you know? And then I would just jack off. I would just, wherever the tits were, I would just be... So that was one way. But yes, there is definitely like a...

It's... There is... The first time you just see... And there's also... I mean, I don't know if you guys grew up here or if you guys were doing this, but, like, DVD porn was still very much going on. Yeah. In, like, high school. Oh, that was the beginning of it. We would trade the DVDs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a close-gone wild off a kid who's dead now. Yeah.

That's what killed him. Yeah. Yeah, Girls Gone Wild. I'm getting one of those and being like, what the hell is this? They don't even fuck the... They're not going that wild. Bro, what a letdown. Yeah, it really was. From those commercials to like in your DVD player. I know. I don't think I've ever watched a Girls Gone Wild DVD. It's not good. I assume it's just a long version of what the commercial is. It really sucks. It's a lot of... Except when you watch the DVD, you can tell how wasted they are. And you also hear like the guys...

I, in the back, like, yeah, show us those, sweetheart. That's true. You're cutting... Yeah, they cut out all the, like... It's basically like somebody, like, convincing someone to show her tits over an hour. It's true coercion. It's coercion, for sure. And the worst it gets, or the most, like...

And then it's like, so you feel bad, but there's also nothing. The juice isn't worth the squeeze. The guilt of being a party to this. You don't even get to see anyone get fucked. You know what I mean? It's like, what am I giving up my morals for? Yeah. Why am I in this crime?

Yeah. Yeah. Just to get a week night. Why am I watching this 17 year old who's clearly lying about her age? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's drunk and fucking senior frog. Yeah. It's so, yeah. And they would, you know, every once in a while they would show, uh, you know, uh,

they would go put, they would show puss, but, uh, Latoya rules. They would never get fucked. You know, it was basically, yeah, yeah, never get it. No penetration. And it was like on that strange bus that they had. They had a bus or they would have like shitty, which it's funny too. Cause when you first watch, uh,

like porn that's in hotels, you're like, you never really think about it, but then like you do 10 years of road comedy and you're like, oh, that's a tough hotel. Oh, you can tell. You're like, oh, they're at a night's inn. Yeah. This woman is getting fucking raw, dog. Yeah.

And I know it smells like cigarettes. I can tell. I've been in that type of hotel room. It's even sadder when you've really done regional shitty stand-up comedy for a decade. That is true. You see a dirty microwave in the background, and you're like, oh, boy. Oh, man. The staff didn't even do a good job. Oh, my God. Not even close. Oh, I remember one time I was in Dallas on –

I was in, like, Plano. Not even, like, Dallas. You know, I don't know if you guys have done Dallas, but it fucking sucks. It's a horrible town. And the... I love Dallas. I love it. It sucks dick. It is, like... It's, like... Houston's cool. Like, the problem with Texas is that... I mean, all those fucking giant highways, and it's, like, you can't... Obviously, you can't walk anywhere, whatever. And then, like, Houston feels like it has a ton of... It's just, like, a bunch of, like, shopping centers connected, but...

It's cool. Like, there's actual culture there. There's, like, you know, strangely Vietnamese influence. Like, you have, like, chopped and screwed shit. You have, like... And they have no zoning laws. So it's, like, anywhere you go, you might find...

the weirdest, like, bar or restaurant or, like, club or just, like, in the middle of, like, a residential... It's just, like, an interesting place. Yeah, all their houses also are, like, weirdly mismatched. Yeah, exactly. I like that, though. It's cool. One would be, like, a mansion next to the worst house of all time. You've ever seen in your life, like, on stilts. And then... So it's, like... So Houston is that, right? It's still, you know, two... The car's too big, the highway's too big, but it's all weird and mismatched and cool. Dallas is, like, just take...

bad about Houston and just put like a weird suburban veneer over it. It's all like luxury malls and it fucking sucks. It just sucks. A lot of Paneras. A lot of Paneras. A lot of Paneras. What's that fancy Taco Bell? You know how there's like... All the cantina? Yeah, Taco Bell cantina. It feels like that vibe. Well, I was in Plano and I was at, I think Hyena's. I don't remember. And the

The shows were actually pretty fun, but the place sucked dick. It's like so suburban, whatever. And the hotel is like just some dog shit, like comfort inn, whatever the fuck. And it happened to be Valentine's Day weekend. That's the worst thing to be on the road, bro. It sucks. It's fucking horrible. And you don't think about it, like whatever. You're just like, yeah. No, it's a weekend. I'll take a weekend. And I wasn't doing well at the time. I was like, whatever the fuck I can do to get some work. Yeah.

And so, and dude, like trying to get your room cleaned the day after Valentine's Day in a suburban comfort inn where it's like, that's like fucking Vietnam for those fucking maids, dude. Like imagine what they're seeing, dude. Are you kidding me?

Imagine the juices, the lubes, the condoms. And I was like, oh my God, this has such a fucking diabolical energy where I am right now. That's so dark. Right, because there's not any true lovers in that hotel. No, no.

You're not taking your wife of 15 years to the Comfort Inn in Plano. There's no passion. It's just so fucking gross, dude. Whoever's there. It's just depravity. It's so fucked up. Animals. So fucked up. Yeah, it's fucking bad. Just two people who don't love each other but don't have anybody else in their life that they're fucking. Yeah, yeah. You're like, yeah, all right, we'll do Valentine's Day together. Because also you're not taking her to your home.

Which means there's a level of mistrust already. And you didn't vacation to Plano. Or the other thing is, they are vacationing to Plano. And imagine the caliber of person. We're talking about that. What trash you have to be for this to be a step up.

from where you normally fuck. I did. Yeah, baby, I'm going to take you to Plano. And like truly, like I said, I was not doing well. I was just taking whatever hotel they were giving me. Dog shit hotel. Yeah. Like if I was in a fucking Marriott, like a courtyard Marriott, that would have been like the, you know, the W Hotel compared to where the fuck I was staying. It was so bad. I did the, that Sacramento punchline. Yeah. Oh,

Oh, you don't take that hotel. That hotel is a fucking nightmare. You do not take that hotel. No, no, no, no, no, no. I almost got stabbed on the street. That hotel sucks. It sucks.

I didn't know. They put you in an extended stay. It's like a residence inn. It's where people get divorced. I watched Families Vacation at the Sacramento residence inn. And it truly was one of the more disturbing things. It sucks, dude. Just seeing these people in this barbed wire pool. Yeah.

with their kids. And it's like, bro, you gotta know this is a mistake. This sucks. And I hate seeing that shit too because it's like a reminder of what trash I was and am. Like, I just get flashbacks to... Because my dad would take us to Greece, but he was such a...

He was so like embarrassed. It's like he was doing fine, but he wanted everyone to think he went to America and became like a rich. I mean, I'm sure you got to pretend when you go back home. And so he would like he would take out loans and we would have these baller vacations in Greece. He would take out a loan to look rich to his fucking relatives in Greece. Yeah.

And then we'd come back, and the years we weren't in Greece, vacationing like kings, we were in a motel in Wildwood, New Jersey, splitting a room. Five people, me and my mom and dad in one bed, me and my two brothers in another bed. And then when I see families vacation in the shitty places I would stay, like when I was featuring or even early headlining, it would just be like, fuck, man, this is what I'm trying to escape. Yeah, you're trapped.

You're trapped in your dad's pyramid scheme. Yeah, dude, it was fucking... Oh, that shit fucking sucks. But anyway, the point I was trying to make, and we're all about digressions here, but I was just like, how jarring it was to get the first, like, no plot, you turn it on, and there's just a lady getting, like...

just destroyed a man has a long white tee and boots on and no pants and it's like and by the way he has on a hat he has a hat by the way yeah he's got a hat and by the way it's not that the boots his pants are down no he has no pants on and he has put his boots back on yeah and tied them up and he's for traction it was like

I was like, what the fuck is, you know, I will say that the hood niggas were very innovative in the not showing the feet game. You know what I mean? Like you got to pay for these feet. The 50 cent generation of porn stars. Yeah.

Really innovated there. I'm going to fuck you in Tim's, lady. You know what I never liked about that was like, it was always too much dude. They would monopolize the camera time. And it's like, that's the last thing I want to see. Is you just pounding, looking at the camera, like flexing. You'd be lucky to get a sigh, a profile. You don't even see any titty jiggle. You just see his...

You're saying him pound into a lady and you're supposed to be like, damn, he's killing it. Who is this for? He's fucking killing it. It's not for me.

But yeah, that shit was... Porn just used to be in such a desperate state that I don't think you had as much right to be like, I don't want to see this. You know what I mean? You needed to see something and if that was available, you watched a dude halfway dressed. Yeah.

smash the lady. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Who you couldn't even tell if the lady was attractive or not. No, here we are kind of thing. Very little, very little. Once again, attractive is not one of the main things I look for when I'm going. Whoa. Slight fourth down the list. Whoa. Okay, interesting. I'm like a car enthusiast. I like parts. Yeah.

Oh, her face is goofy. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I can see that. Certainly, certainly. I mean, but a face will get me. Yeah, sometimes, for sure. Because at that time, that's not what I'm looking for. I am probably looking. Or what's even more fucked up is you have something so specific in your head. Yeah. Where you're like, I need to dial this in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I cannot. I can't be caring about if the face matches if I have eight other things that I'm looking for. That's the thing, man. That's the thing.

It's a lot of place specifics for me. Place. Yeah, or like just like the realism. There's things you type in that will get you more realism. Like if you type in coworker, that's going to be some real shit. Okay, interesting. I didn't know that. You never tried that? Never tried coworker. Oh, typing. Never tried coworker. Because it's just some dude like.

I smashed my boss's wife. Right, right, right. And it's like in a back room, but it's always very like they're having a good time. And when you're watching this, are you under the presumption that this is a real dude smashing his real boss's wife? Bro, sometimes she has the work shirt on.

And it's not, the lighting's bad. It's poor. It's a cell phone footage. You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah. I see. There's no lighting. It's not even this. So even if it's not real, it is Blair Witch Project level commitment. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me.

through the idea where you're like, yeah, this feels like they really focused on making me feel like I'm in this. That's what I want. I got you. That's what I want. Respect, dude. That's awesome. Respect. Ellis, what are you jacking off to these days? Well, I just wanted to say like, I kind of... He's been sitting on this for a while.

I'll just circle back to the softcore thing. Are you a softcore guy too? I'm not a softcore guy, but I kind of want to get into it because I feel like I'm like too much. You're an aspiring softcore jacking off guy. He's just a bikini guy. I'm too much of a perfectionist. I'm looking for like, you know, the perfect clip to like finally nut to. You can get into weed. You're going through like 40 clips. I want the perfect titties, perfect face. And it's like,

What I forced myself to do on the road in May was like... What you forced yourself to do. I love it. When I was beating off, I would pull up a long scene that was in the neighborhood, like some MILF shit or whatever. Sure, sure, sure. I would just force myself to watch it without touching my dick. I would like, whoa! I would see you...

I don't think it's like a taste thing. I think it's an attention span thing. Oh my god, dude. I force myself to like sit through it and watch like a form of like, you know, meditation when my dick gets like worked up a little or something. Elvis, you're the sickest man in the world. A form of meditation? Not meditation, but you know.

Just focus your attention in and like, you know. What the fuck? This sucks. I don't want to pull. I'm always pulling up the long scene. You're always trying to get to the dick and pussy. You're always taking it. You just have to like tie your hands. Not tie your hands literally, but you know. Mentally. Just sit back and like. Like a fucking thing. Let the scene build a little. Yeah.

Get to know the character. You want some backstory? Yeah, you kind of need it. I'm sorry, you would jag off to that video? Eventually I would. It's like you got to let yourself warm up a little before you go straight to the nuts. How long is this?

I don't know. There were some that were like, you know, I think like I would try to do like a good 10 minutes or something. It's just so funny. It's always going on before I like even let the dick come out. Before you allow yourself to pull your own dick out. Elvis, you're ready. It's time. Oh, my God, dude. That's fucking, that's so insane that you do that. So I do recommend trying that. It is kind of awesome. I hope your penis has a soft glow to it. Yeah, yeah.

There's just something, a holy light that sort of like lives around it. That is, yeah, you're just getting yourself, your self-control, you know, it's delaying gratification, but with pornography. Exactly. That is,

And that is very interesting. When you do it like that, like you get into the scene, it's like, okay, I'm in it. I don't need to go looking through like 20 other clips. I'll be ready to do that in a few minutes. You just got to be a little patient with yourself and with the scene. Well, there is something to like, yes, destroying the problem of

complete choice, like nonstop choice or endless choice. Right, because you fall victim to that. And then it's like, now my afternoon's gone. So I respect that element I like, which is why maybe what we need to get back to is, yes, when you used to find a DVD or a tape or you were just like...

I am jacking off to every portion of this. It was like, you know, like using every part of the buffalo, which is an analogy we like a lot on this podcast. But I remember you'd be like, especially when it was VHS. You're using every part of wild things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When it was VHS and you were just like,

and you just jack off and be like, all right, pause. Yeah. Wouldn't move it and then you just put it back and be like, where were we? Great. And then you just work your way through the whole, that's what I did with my dad's weird Greek pornos. But,

But that's why maybe what we need to do is start, like... You know how they have those, like, bespoke, like, man crates or whatever the fuck those are called? Where it's like... Yeah. Where it's like you get, like... You get, like, an action figure. You get, like, a knife. You get a little sifter of whiskey. Yeah, the beard oils. Yes, yes, yes. We need to start doing that for pornography. Okay. Where it's like you get...

three DVDs. You know what I mean? You get three DVDs a month. It's the only thing you're allowed to beat off to. You know? It's like, we have some kind of proprietary thing that it will block porn on your computer. You know what I mean? You put a little fire stick or something into your... We have a little USB thing you put into your modem and it becomes fucking, you know... It's like, yeah, we're like Afghanistan. Whatever the Taliban is doing, we do the same thing. Yeah, and we give you everything. Yeah.

Some man oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They also gotta make you take a test at the beginning, though, to figure out what you like. Right, yeah. Your preferences. Our porn match system. Feel free to send back one DVD a month. You know? Yeah.

At Jerkbox. But something like that I think could really help society, you know? Yeah. I think that's going to clean up the internet for sure. Well, who knows, dude? I guarantee there's going to be some weird shit. The internet does seem like it's getting more and more controlled

where it's like so few and it's like we're nowhere near like this yet but I could see some weird crackdown of like some attempts of actually getting pornography unchecked off the internet yeah I kind of need it yeah yeah yeah you're hoping for it take me out the game yeah you wouldn't you wouldn't mind a little Chinese regulation yeah

Put me on Gigi Ping's YouTube. I don't give a shit, man. Yeah, dude. I don't have to go back to trying to find that shit in the woods or something. It's too easy to access. Yeah. I do think, like, even fucking Threads is like, they haven't brought the porn over. Oh, yeah. There's no porn

No, no, no. Well, that's what I'm saying is like as the internet becomes more and more of these companies that just are like Facebook is showing it where it's like they're acquiring more and more shit and it's like they have more and more, you know, influence. It's like I just think, yeah, it's like if that threads didn't take off, but if it did and it was this kind of thing where it's like,

essentially Twitter is, and those two things are controlled by Facebook. It's like, they put their own weird, like, their own weird, like, censoring thing. The thing that was good about Twitter before, you know, Elon took over was that it was like, it felt like pretty much you could do whatever, you could do porn, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted. Yeah, that's what it was. Except like, you know, threatening to specifically kill someone. Yeah, yeah. Like, if you didn't do that. And even then, if you did it classy enough. Yeah, yeah. Like,

If the tweet was well-written enough, they let it live. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. There were loopholes around it, but I did want to ask, are there any other nice, any other, like, weird conspiracy theories or just superstitions you guys wanted to highlight? Because I love all those. I love all those. And I also love that I do think there's this funny thing that happens with, like, all ethnic, especially it happens with ethnic, like, observational comedy all the time where it's like,

Everyone thinks that their culture is the one that eats a lot. That like it's late. You know what I mean? And you see it where it's like a meme will start as like black people do. And then you'll just, you know, whatever it is, it's like a picture of, you know, I don't know what the fuck. And then you'll just see every other meme.

They'll just put... You can tell the Instagram... They've just edited in Instagram and they'll be like, Filipinos at the family reunion. And it's just like a picture of Homer Simpson doing something. Going back into the fucking bush. We all think we're more special than we are. Everyone thinks... And it's always food

and being late, I have noticed. Are Greeks late? They all say, everyone says, and yes, they are. But I just think most people are. Some of my best friends are like the latest route. I mean, Greek people, there's just no, it's a very easygoing, free-flowing society without a lot of like, I mean, once the, we were like this before, but once the like,

a whole generation had no way to have a good job. Right. Like, once the financial crisis hit Greece, it was already a very hangout-based culture. Like, it was... It was already, like, just fucking chill with the boys at the coffee shop for four hours. But once it's, like...

you can't make you literally cannot have a job that it was just like everyone was just kind of it was like Greece was actually pretty chill those years where the economy was completely devastated it was like my cousin was just like alright let's go hang out and my fucking my uncle or my godfather had just like he retired and he moved to the island his family's from

And that motherfucker just like is on the barter system now. Like it's become like the middle ages where it's like he has like, he has, he has like moonshine and he does, and he has honey from like the bees, his own, like he's a beekeeper. Fuck. And him and his boys just trade like,

I'll give you a little fucking rabbit meat for some fucking honey. I'll give you some fucking greens. I noticed you got some red onions over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't mind a taste of one of those. It's fully regressed. So I'm just trying to think, like, I would love to hear of any other highlight superstitions or conspiracy theories and see if we have any alb-

But, you know, some Albanian or Greek overlap here. Yeah. If there's any good ones. Do you have any that come to mind? I mean, all my favorite ones are like the kind of the magical type. Yeah. Let's do magic. What was it? We had one where it was...

After New Year's, you have to have a man walk in the house first. With your right foot? No, it was... Yeah, it's not foot specific. You have to go with the right foot first or you're fucked the whole year. Whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is a man has to walk in? It's not man, it's any... Well, it should be. It's supposed to be. You call it... It should be a man. Relax.

It's called the Podarico, right? And it's supposed to be like the man of the house or like whoever's in charge of the house. So like, yeah, in theory, it should be the most like the most, you know, accomplished male in the home, whether it's like the dad or whatever, like, you know,

Whoever's around. It's not super strict. It's not like we have to fly in, you know, your father to do it. It's like, I did it one year, you know. So it's like, I assume if you're a woman living alone. You're the most accomplished man in your family? Well, just in terms of Baltimore, you know, 15 years ago, yes. It was either me or my brothers, you know. I was definitely the most, I was always looked at as the most respected of the, I was always the one who had to like, you know, make decisions and shit for the family. But, you know, so.

So I guess if you're a woman living alone, you would do it yourself. Yeah. But this one, this one was more that a man period. Any man, any man literally would have to get a man off the street. Wow. To walk through your threshold first before anyone else in order to ensure good luck. That's insane. It's like very misogynistic. Yeah. Any guy. Yeah. That drunk.

dude over there that we don't know. Bring him in the house. Invite him in. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. I loved it. You guys have anything like that? You have the same thing? You have the political or anything like that? I think we have some New Year's shit like that. I don't know specifics. We always just did the thing where you like you bake the coin into the bread. Of course. That's classic. Cut it up. Whoever gets like the piece with a coin in it. Yeah. Hell yeah. Has good luck for the year. Yeah. Did you ever get it? Yeah. I got it a couple of times. How'd it go? Hmm.

Didn't really change the course of the year much, I don't think. Yeah, we don't put any... No coins in bread? That's Greek, too, yeah. Black people, I think, are... We don't put money in shit. We wrap it in foil. We're real particular about food and cleanliness around food. If I suggested that to my grandmother, she would smack me in the face. You know what I mean? That's not a thing. I would like, again, to highlight, you put it in food-safe aluminum foil.

We're not putting random ass dirty coins in our breads. There was a very contentious trend that happened on the internet where a swath of black people were arguing that you're supposed to

Soap wash your chicken. I was going to ask about this. Yes, yes. And that was big. Soap wash versus... Or just... I remember the argument being somebody... A white person being like, do not wash your chicken at all. Yes. And then...

And then black people being like, well, we're going to wash our chicken with water. I didn't know that there was a third hard line stance that was like, you should soap wash your chicken. There was like an entire section of people being like, bleach it. Bleach the fucking chicken. And it's like, bro, I don't think we're supposed to. This seems bad. Yeah, yeah.

I'm with, yeah, that was, I remember that. And I remember being like, yeah, I mean, I guess I hear the argument that if you spread water on it, you're just kind of pushing around bacteria. But it's like, I just want that weird little slimy packaged juice out of the mix. I just don't want that. You mean the sauce?

No, thanks. I hate that shit. That weird goo. That's the shit where I'm like, man, we really shouldn't be consuming meat like this. Where I'm like, these little fucking chickens. It's like, this is Matrix juice. This is the shit that's in that pod. 100%. And I'm about to have this. This is that shit that was in Ghostbusters 2. Yeah, the bottom of the fucking sewers. No, that shit is fucked up.

I feel like my favorites, there was a conspiracy for a while that the Dogon tribe in Africa had made contact with an alien race from basically a hidden planet that's closer to Earth than we realize. They had basically been

been contacted by this alien race and we're in communication with this alien race. I love the alien shit. Did they build the pyramids under their direction? Is that part of it? I think it is this weird thing where they're like, yeah, they, they have known math and like certain types of science and,

that the world is just now catching up to because of their relationship with the aliens. Yes, yes. And one of the big proofs, some of the big proofs that they have a crazy understanding of

stars and the solar system. And these motherfuckers are straight up like what your National Geographic titties out would be racist if I sketched it. If I was like, what's Africa like? And I drew you a picture of what they're like, you'd be like, come on, man. Yeah.

Come on. It's fucking... It's development. That's not Africa. Whatever's in your heart is not good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that level of like, you know... And yes, and they... And according to one TikTok I saw... So I have no proof. Which is correct. I have no proof.

Is that they were literally like sketching out like the solar system in dirt or some shit. People were like, wow, these motherfuckers know aliens. They know it. They know way more shit than they should know based off of at least our understanding of their tribal experience. Yeah, that's fucking sick. I know it is. It's also so funny to be like, man, if shit gets a little worse, people are going to start believing whatever. Mm-hmm.

Because I'm already being like... It's already happening. I'm already like... Even I who fight... You know, I was not really a big conspiracy theorist. Like, you know, all my conspiracy shit is just like, I don't know, the world is rigged against you, which isn't really a conspiracy. You're just... Everyone is fucked if they don't have insane amounts of what... Like, even America is like... It's a lot more... You have an actual chance...

at, like, if things break right a bunch of different ways, you have an actual chance of being well off and rich, whereas, like, in most of history, where you were born was literally where you end up. And now in America, it's just statistically you probably will end up. But still, you get at least a shot at it. That's why it's so great! But that is, like, such human progress. Because I've been really into, like, you know, middle-ages shit. That shit kind of fascinates me now. But it's like...

And it's just like, if shit starts going even a little worse and just all the, like, I just feel like

any conspiracy theory will really be... It's going to be crazy how fast that shit's going to go. I've long maintained that I think conspiracy theory is just fan fiction for your real life. It's fun. It's fun to be like... To talk about Atlantis and shit like that. But then, now we've reached a point where people aren't having fun with their fan fiction anymore. You know what I mean? When they're like...

no Atlantis was real and they killed us all and it's like bro you gotta relax and because of Atlantis we have to get the Jews up again exactly yeah yeah yeah or like or it's like or I love when it's even more specific and it's just like regional beefs where it's like that's the best part about the Balkans which is like you know me and Eldis have a long standing uh

ironic racism rivalry about how inferior Albanians are to Greeks. Sure. But it's like, that's what I love is like when people don't even see the global picture and they're like, yeah, this proves that we have to, we have to execute all Macedonians. You know what I mean? Just like, this proves it. As soon as I meet one, I'm gonna, yeah, take him out. Yeah.

Yeah, no, I fucking love that shit. Yeah, I think it's just we've reached this sort of dark period where people... I think we've lost a lot of...

respect for anyone that actually is a valid source of anything. There's no respect for professionals or like scholars. We don't give a shit. We don't give a fuck. Yeah, you're right. That's a good point. It's like, it used to be this fun thing where you would have like a crazy uncle or, you know, grandma who just got into some weird shit and you would talk to them about it and it'd be like, it would never leave

you know, the fucking cookout or wherever the fuck you were. And then you've, and then now it's like, well, my uncle actually is just as smart as every doctor. Yeah. It's like, that is the big, that's the problem. He's got a YouTube following. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that counts. Yeah. And that's what's crazy is like your uncle literally can be more popular than your doctor. Yeah. Easily. And that shouldn't be the way that it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. My doctor's lame. Yeah.

We have a doctor that's pretty, he tries to, you know, he's a piece of ass. He talks about how all the times patients have tried to fuck him and suck him off and stuff. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I don't believe that. He's, I believe it, but I believe, but it's like, it's more, it's more gauche to share that information than anything. Yeah, he's being tacky. Yeah, he's being tacky. Yeah.

Nobody's trying to fuck their doctor. Don't, you know what he's like? I went to him recently and like, you know how when you're at work and like, you don't feel like working or you're kind of a shitty employee, but like you just try to be like fun and just like have good vibes. Oh yeah. There,

yeah, whatever. They're doing a good job. There's their good energy. That's what he kind of tried to do to me last time. Cause he was like, I forgot what I went in for specifically, but you know, he just started like dropping some dudes and just like trying to like talk a little more fun. He's kind of phoning it in. This is the end of the day for him. He's like, you got gonorrhea fam.

Yeah, legit. And he's just like, you know, being real chummy. And I was like, this definitely feels like someone who's trying to like coast a little and just, you know, doesn't have much to tell you. So yeah, they're like, oh, I'm going to.

sympathize with this guy. He was like, good news, you don't have another yeast infection on your penis, Mr. Sula. Which Elvis has had multiple of, by the way. You have multiple yeast infections? Well, you know, it's athlete's thrush. No, it's not. You're one of the least athletic men I've ever met in my life. Yeah, I've had thrush a couple times. I didn't even know that was possible. I thought only babies got it.

No, it's brutal. I've had it on my penis multiple times. Oh, man. Multiple times? Where do you go? I think it was like because I was way too fat at a certain point, wearing pants that were way too hot in the summer in the city. You were in tight, tight pants? Pretty, you know, some tight jeans and just general very unhealthy. Yeah, yeah.

all around. It's just cooking down there. Yeah, it's a whole mess. Yeah, making a stew. Too humid. Too humid. You know, this is undercarriage. But you know, we haven't had one in a while. Not going to work. Not going to work another one. Congrats, man. That's a superstition. Yeah.

Knocking on wood, that's pretty much all across. I think that's everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Deepak Shiloh, everyone does it. That's interesting. I wonder where that starts. We got to look at the origins of knocking on wood.

Well, anyway, boys, we could chit-chat all day, but I think it's time we turned some of your expertise towards our callers. And we should say, listen to the podcast. Anything else you guys want to plug here at the Midway Point that people should check out? No, just listen to my mama told me. You're going on tour. Oh, yeah. BringDavidAPlate.com.

I'm going on tour. Bring me your Hexed Spaghetti or whatever you want. Do you guys have that? Is that a thing for Greek people? Hexed Spaghetti? So we actually talked about this shit yesterday. Interesting. There is a theory, and I think this is mostly a black thing, but I could be fucking wrong. Yeah, I love this. You cannot accept...

spaghetti from a strange woman at the possibility that she has put her menstrual blood in it to hex you. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome, but no. There's no tzatziki sauce. No discharging tzatziki. That'll get the love potion going on you. No, none of that.

Oh, here's one thing I did want to ask. Everyone believes in the evil eye, but do you have a way to get... Do you have a little ritual to get the evil eye off you? Oh, to shake that juju off? I don't mean... I mean J-O-O. Or J-U-J-U. I said it with an A. Jewish on you? Yeah.

Yeah, you got anything? I don't. Do you have any interesting... I think we did some shit with Sydney Washington where she was talking about you have to burn your hair. Oh, that's right. Because even when you brush your hair, you should be burning the residual hair that sort of gets left behind at the possibility that someone might hex you. They sneak in and get your hair. No, this is more just like...

So the evil eye is just basically people hating, essentially. It's like hater blockers. And what you have to do is go to an old lady that does a weird... It's funny because when I was growing up, it's like within the church. She literally will be like,

She'd like spit and then like do a cross. And I'm thinking it's like, there's no way this is Christian in origin. This is like some kind of weird mountain like witchcraft. But they call it the six-set matiasun, which means like to D-I-U. And it's to get the eye off you. And if like you're in like you're feeling bad, you've been like in a bad mood. Like growing up, my mom would be like, they saw how fucking sick you looked at church.

you've been in a bad mood. They just put their fucking bad vibes on you. And it'd be like, hold on, let's let grandma take the evil eye off you. And she would just go and she would just be like...

and just spit and like, and then you were, and then apparently the evil eye was off you. Did you ever feel different after? Were you ever like, yeah, I got a little more pepper in my stuff. I don't think, I don't think at any, I just thought it was like, okay, this work, like it never, I never, the, you know, the placebo effect never really took hold on me. They also, you know, that would have got me for sure. Yeah. Maybe the first, maybe when I was like little, I don't know, but she still, my grandma will still do it.

I was about to say, would you still accept it from her now? I'll accept it if she wants to do it. I like that. I got dysentery one time. Oh, wow. And they put like a Bible on my head. Jesus Christ. I don't know that. Don't do that to me. Yeah. I don't think that's that. And they put like a, they like smushed a Bible. You had a real medical problem. I was in kind of a bad mood. It went away. Yeah.

They went away after like a week? I had pirate AIDS one time. They sit there and they put a Bible on your head, huh? Yeah.

I needed it too. I was going through it. Did you feel better after the Bible? Yeah, a couple days later. I shit my ass full of raw. No, please. No problem at all. What if that's where he drew the line? Come on, man. What the fuck is wrong with you? You said the buzzword, buddy.

What about fortune tell? You guys ever do? My grandma would also read your fortune a little bit in your palm, but also in coffee. That's for sure not Christian. Yeah, yeah, no chance. I will say that a lot of fortune telling shit is not good.

black American shit in black culture. I think hoodoo and voodoo, which is more like Haitian, Caribbean shit, they do that. But black people are so fucking indoctrinated in Christianity that we don't fuck around with telling the future and playing the devil's magic. I don't like it. I don't like it. No, it's so interesting because my grandma's also such an interesting person because she...

She grew up in very northern Greece, which is just this weird mishmash of kind of Balkan, southeastern Europe stuff. Grew up pretty religious, but also her father was a communist. She went to Bulgaria. So it's like she went to Bulgaria with him.

Because he fled after World War II to be in a communist whatever system. And to this day, it's like... Because Greece has multiple parties. It's like the parliament. You can vote for whatever. To this day, she votes communist for...

which you're not supposed to believe in God, I don't think. Yeah, no, they completely reject the whole thing. And then so she's religious, but she also does all this weird kind of mountain European voodoo shit, which is like, you know, but it's also still sort of involved the church. Greek people do all this shit, and it's been just kind of like this. Because everyone's religious,

Just kind of by default. Everyone is Greek Orthodox, but it's not like this huge... There's no like, you know, fucking five hours of church shit going on. It's like you just kind of... People don't really go that much. It's more of a part of your identity. That it's like you find these... My grandma's this interesting older lady where it's like she has that religious shit...

She believes, you know, my mom believes in it. But they're very liberal and they're very like, and then they also do this weird witchcraft shit, basically. Or this very light witchcraft, which is like reading your, and it's for fun. Mostly it's for fun. That seems kind of nice. But they like that, though. You need a little bit of magic in your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? It can't all be like analytics. Totally, totally, totally, totally, totally. You need to...

You need a little bit of that. I love a little cherry picking of like magic and witchcraft. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking tight. Yeah, why not? I'm going to start looking for more of that shit. That's interesting. I got to find more. Seriously, hold on, boys. I got to tell our listeners about our friends over at Babbel. Yeah, that's right. That flawless French you just heard from me, that's thanks to our friends at Babbel.

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What's wrong, dude? My name is Jordan. I actually worked on a flyer for you a couple years ago. Oh, nice, dude. Thanks. Back for the Prince of Pleasure tour. Ended up falling through, but I'd love to work with you again anyway. Okay. So I have a friend who started dating this very Christian girl. They went on a trip to Japan together after dating only for a few months. Normally, I think that was, you know, pretty quick. Yeah, Japan is like... But they have the same birthday, actually. I know, it's a gross place to take a picture. So, you know, maybe it was meant to be or whatever. Yeah.

Anyway, so she looked through his phone without his knowledge and found that he was subscribed to a bunch of OnlyFans girls and freaked out and ended the relationship.

Wow. You know, she must have like spied on him to get his passcode, which is obviously a breach of trust. So they patched it up and they're dating again, actually. But I'm a little worried for my buddy. Yeah. You know, I feel like this girl does not respect him. What would you say to him if he was your pal? Thanks so much.

Wow, so a lot going on here. This is a complicated relationship. Let's just start with what you were saying. Japan is an insane place. That's nuts, right? A two-month girlfriend is crazy. Like a fresh love? First of all, you don't want to travel that far with someone you don't really know.

No. That's a 15-hour fucking plane ride or some shit. And you also don't want to land somewhere where, like, neither of you know how to do the stuff. Right. You know what I mean? Like, you got to kind of know. Somebody's got to be an expert in two months. And Japan U is probably a different U. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Like, he touched down. He starts going crazy. She wasn't ready for that. I don't know. He's in the little girl panty machine. She didn't want that. Yeah, you definitely can do some real fucking, some real blaspheming. Yeah. Some real sinful shit over there. But they button it up. They do. It is funny. It's very, like...

We're proper, but we also, you know... Yeah. Everything about this is weird. I don't like it. Yeah, I mean, so, first of all, being... Spying on your phone, like, that's one of those things where it's like... It's like... This isn't, like, a real court of law. There's no due process. Mm-hmm. So it depends on how...

What did they catch you with, with the illegally obtained... Like, yeah, she got the OnlyFans thing without a warrant, right? But it's not... You can't get that thrown out of court if you're cheating or if something horrific... If you're doing something horrific and someone steals your shit after being like, they've been acting really weird, I know I shouldn't do this, but betraying their trust...

it's like a smaller sin in the grand scheme of things versus what the fucked up thing they're doing. But to just find his passcode with no... He's done nothing wrong. He took you to Japan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a pretty cool guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a fool, but he's a good guy. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, but to do that, and what you find is that he's subscribed to OnlyFans. Is porn? It's like, which by the way...

So he's ultimately a great guy. He's paying for his... He's actually consuming porn in an ethical way. It's like, it'd be worse if you called... If you looked at his... I guarantee you he's watched Pornhub or Xvideos or whatever and not paid for shit. Yeah, he's not paying for every joke. He's actually a good guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but the ratio is better than most of us for this guy. And so, to me, whenever you're like, why the fuck did you go through my phone? That's like a complete...

you're probably guilty and you're trying to cling to some kind of argument. Sure. But here it's like, yeah, why did you go through my fucking thing? Yeah, what was the... What the fuck is this? I wasn't doing anything fucked up. Because he was going crazy in Japan. Yeah. That's the only... Because she did it in Japan, right? Or is that just like another... No, I think that was just a tidbit. A little bit of info. I do think, yeah, if she was going through his text messages...

and found a bunch of stuff, that's a different conversation. But to just find an app and be like, I disapprove of you having this relationship with an app is fucking nuts. I know. I don't know. You don't have to love that. Obviously, your Christian Jesus tells you otherwise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to know that this is who this dude was before you guys started hooking up. Totally. I mean, yeah, don't get me wrong. And I think that's like...

the only fans conversation is an interesting thing of like, it's one thing to pay for your point. It's another thing to be like, I,

I have a wife and child that I send a 22-year-old in Ohio $10,000 a month for her to look at my penis and tell me what's bad about it. Yeah, I'm sponsoring this other lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, there's definitely... Like, OnlyVans is a little... It is a little case-by-case, and it's a little case-by-case about if he's just subscribing and actually just paying for porn, no problem whatsoever. Right, there's no interaction there. But if it's like...

It is this little gray area where it's like, you know, some people might have... It's digital sex work of all kinds where it goes from just paying for essentially soft core to paying to have phones, to have internet sex with somebody. Yeah, it's like a build your own adventure. Yeah, so it can be... It's a little bit of a gray area, but to me, the bigger problem here is it's like...

He wasn't doing anything wrong at all. She did the much more fucked up thing. Yeah. Which is like early on in a nice relationship, spying on someone and betraying their trust is so much worse than

than being subscribed to OnlyFans, which is not bad. And so if he were my friend, if this is what this guy ultimately asked us, I would be like, dude, you cannot. I mean, straight up, I would say you can't date this person. Yeah, I would too. That's crazy. It's also indicative of like, that doesn't go away. Like if that's what she's willing to do in the beginning, imagine once she's actually invested in this thing, she's going to be outside of the bushes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's not going to be like, you know what? She actually got pretty cool. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She actually chilled the fuck down. That's a one in 100 situation where someone does something insane early. And I will say that that can happen with somebody who's like,

newly out of some kind of Christianity or like Mormonism or some kind of like real like you know Orthodox Judaism like when people leave like a very you know strict thing and come out of it there is a little adjustment period where they're like they freak out and everything that's kind of programmed into them they act kind of wild and then they're like I really I had to get that out of my system that was fucking stupid I'm sorry but if she it doesn't feel like she's

This isn't an ex-very Christian girl. This is just somebody who might not... If she disapproves of him just paying for pornography and just trampled over his privacy, those are two crazy problems. I will say, I imagine...

There is a A swath of women Who interpret The OnlyFans As cheating In part because You are paying One person Specifically Right You know what I mean Sure It's more intimate It's very personalized Where it's like That's my girl Yes Versus like Oh I'll just look at titties Wherever they are And that's why I say It's like I think it

I don't want to blanket approve of it either, right? Like, I will say it's case by case. That's kind of the point I was trying to get at earlier where it's like, yes, I can see that, but if you are just...

Like, in a relationship, and again, this is for a couple to decide, but like, in a relationship, I think if you were like, look, I feel bad. Most women that do porn are exploited. I'm just paying for this. I'm not DMing. I'm not paying for extras. You know what I mean? I have no relationship here. I think that's totally appropriate, but some women might not agree. I'm just saying, like...

In this scenario, whatever's going on here. And it's like, yeah, maybe there was a way to have that conversation or something. But like, this definitely isn't it. The real crossing the line was going through the phone. That's way more crossing the line than anything. It doesn't matter what he has in there or doesn't have in there. You were bugging to begin with. And then y'all need to learn to talk to each other to resolve whatever the differences are. For sure. And look, I'm not saying...

That's not possible, but I would be a little skeptical. And I think early on, I just think going through somebody's phone early when there's been no problems, it's like, even if there were, that's fucked up. But to do that this early where there's ostensibly no issue is such a huge fucking red flag, in my opinion. Yeah, Greig, you gotta dump that bitch. Yeah.

Has anybody ever gone through your phones? Have you ever been... Fuck no. No? No? Eldish? Yeah, nobody. I keep that shit tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep it close to the vest. That's not true. I had an ex one time, but we were, like, very, like, on and off type situation. So I think neither of us ever felt very settled in this. Of course, of course, of course. So I...

Yes, but not in a way that ever turned into massive blowups. It was just more like, who is this? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are you looking at all this softcore? I don't think we should be doing this at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is this lady covered in a sheet? Why are you subscribed to Cinemax? That network doesn't even exist anymore. Yeah, I've definitely had that where it's like,

no one's going through my phone, but it's like, it's also girls now are such internet detectives where I've been like, who's this? Why are you following her? And it's like, I fucked her when we weren't together. What do you want? Like, what do you want from me? You got me. I'm like, yes, obviously this is not my old friend. Put the cuffs on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Arrest me, officer. What the fuck do you want from me? Uh,

All right. So, yeah. Sorry, Jordan. Your friend seems like to be. I would be. I would. And look, we don't know the whole situation, but I would approach with extreme caution and try and set your boundaries. And if she oversteps them, be like, all right, I can't do this. Yeah. If you don't want to end it now, which I would be cautioning my friends probably to do. Or stop hanging out with that guy because he's going to suck soon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to be around. He can't go anywhere now. She's calling while you guys are out bowling or something. He's going to tuck in his shirt. It's going to suck. All right, Big Eld, hit us with another one. Hey, Stavi, Elvis, how's it going, babies? I love you both. Love the show.

So up until maybe a week ago, I was in incredible debt. I'm a type 1 diabetic, landed in the hospital. Life fucking sucked, man. Just medical bills and credit card maxed out out the ass. Through fortunate events and recent happenings, my debt has pretty much taken care of.

And I feel like I have new lease on life. What is the best things I can do to prevent myself from, you know...

getting into any kind of situation like this again and how what do I do going forward for myself thank you what he said situation does he mean diabetes just have diabetes yeah I don't know how you can stop yourself from getting diabetes hey Stavi how do I uh not be poor again yeah

I also love one of the vaguest sentences I've ever heard in my life. Due to unfortunate events in recent happenings. What the fuck does that even mean? I really hope he won the lottery. Did you win the lottery? Did somebody leave you money? Did you rob a bank? Whoa. Dude.

There's a darkness there that he tried to gloss over. You think the language is too fanciful. He's also pretty stupid, though. So he might just not... Due to fortunate events and recent happenings, might be like his smartest sentence. You know what I mean? He might be thinking that he is being very eloquent. You know what I mean? So I don't... First of all, how the fuck did you get this money? That's insane. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

And you say it's pretty much taken care of. Are you fully out of debt? If you're not, then... Because you say pretty much taken care of and you feel like you have a new lease on life. One thing I would...

One piece of advice I would say is if you're only if you're close to being out of debt Take get rid of all the debt. Yeah, don't let that shit Don't let the interest rates fucking get you slowly back into debt That's a big problem You had 200k in debt and now you only have 10k or something if you don't make payments on that or pay it off completely That can fucking spiral back. So I guess my first advice would be you've been given this weird nebulous opportunity that you didn't really explain to us and

And you're mostly out of debt. If you're mostly, get all the way out of fucking debt. And then I would say like, yeah, don't fucking take credit cards out.

Don't do any of that stuff if you can help it. Because it sounds like you were in the hospital for having diabetes. And except for medical emergencies, don't get into debt, I think would be my most. Yeah, and diabetes. Also, take your insulin. Yeah, take care of yourself. It's a relatively manageable disease, obviously. Yeah, do that.

Yeah, exactly. You got a new lease on life. You know what to do. I guess we're just like feed yourself good food and like, you know, just focus. You're feeling very happy. You have this debt, this debt, emotional and financial lifted off you. So don't squander the opportunity. I would say don't feel like it's party time. This is like step one. This is not like, you know, something to celebrate yet. I wouldn't. I mean, it's something to celebrate, but it's like you haven't done anything. It doesn't seem like you worked for this. No.

So don't, you know what I mean? Treat it as a start, not an end. Yes, yes, yes. Don't be like in Dumb and Dumber where they just keep taking money out of the fucking thing and writing IOUs and buying yourself like an orange suit. Yeah, now is not the time to play the ponies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, you know, I agree with you. Unless you know a really good horse. Unless you have a good tip or a really strong feeling. Bet to show those are the better odds.

Absent a really strong feeling on a gambling opportunity Be wise with your money Yeah But yeah dude I don't know This is very basic advice But it does feel like what you need to hear Is just don't be fucking dumb with your cash And if you're in some debt Get out of it completely And just take care of yourself If your diabetes got bad because you just didn't So you know Fuck

That's it, bro. That's all I can tell you. I'm glad that one at least had like a uplifting ending because it really sounded like it was going to get bad. I know, I know. And I would love to know how you got the money. I mean, you know. That's the question. That's crazy, yeah. That's the big question, right? What did you do to... Yeah. Due to some fortuitous circumcisions. He killed his mom and got put out of the life insurance policy on her three months ago. So he's caked up now.

Or maybe even worse, his mom knew he couldn't do anything, so she faked her own accidental death after putting a life insurance policy on herself. That's a good mom. I like that. That's a great mom. That's a really good mom. She knew he was too dumb to handle it. He could never get out of the dead. He's like, this motherfucker's been eating butterscotch crimpets every fucking day. Waterwise foot hurts. This girl I went to high school with killed her mom.

Wow. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. That's fucking wild. It's a pretty fucked up story. Yeah, you don't say.

This one doesn't get better. So she flew with her mom and secretly flew her boyfriend to Indonesia, I think it was. Holy shit. And they were staying in a hotel. The boyfriend hid in the hotel. They murdered the mom. What the fuck? And then stuffed her in a suitcase. Holy shit. And got caught by the Indonesian police.

you know, fucking police. Yeah. And she's now serving. I think, uh, he's serving like a lifetime sentence over there. And she has been serving for like 15 years, had a kid in prison. What the fuck?

It was like, yeah, it's in the news and shit. Yeah. Was she pregnant when she got in? Yeah, exactly. No, it's not a guards kid. I love that dude. It's really fucked up because the prisons over there are actually like pretty chill. Oh, wow. She's having a really nice time. Yeah. She did a really mean.

horrible thing without justification and like every video is her being like I don't know I like it yeah I get plenty of sunlight you got videos there's like she's been on 2020 a bunch of times and like it was like a big deal why Indonesia I wonder if that's like part of like American racism where you're like well the cops in third world countries are real stupid yeah

You know what I mean? Like, I could probably easily outsmart them. They don't speak English. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn, that's fucking wild. Yeah. Yeah, damn, I want to dig into that one. That's an interesting one. Put that down for a future Kush Brothers episode, Eldridge. We do once a month, we do the news, and we get high. Fuck yeah, look that one up. So if you're ever back, you know, come do Kush Brothers. That would be great. We'll specialize that. We'll spend some time on that one, damn. Yeah.

That's so fucking awesome. Or maybe we'll just FaceTime you in Langston when we're doing Kush Brothers. And we're doing that specific story. Goddamn. All right. Well, good. I mean, she's in that nice prison living it up. Yeah, it seems like it's going okay for her. What happens to the kid?

Oh, yeah, the grandma can't take her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a while, I think the kid was there with her, and then I don't know now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, I'm not checking in. It's been a while. You're not checking in? No, yeah. How you doing, baby girl? We will cover this story on a future Kush Brothers episode. That's our promise to you folks. I'm so excited. Hit us with another one, Big Elde.

Hey Stav and Stav's guest and LD, what's going on? I'm calling. I needed some advice talking to my friends.

I don't drink alcohol. I just don't do it. I get nervous sometimes around people who are excessively drinking. And my friends have just been like on them lately, just constantly getting drunk every time we hang out. Nice. I'm not trying to be a buzzkill, but I am wondering how I can approach them about just slowing it down when they're around me just because like,

I want them to have a good time, but I also want me to have a good time, too. Any advice would be dope. All right. Thanks. Love you. You got to get away from those friends, man. This is an interesting question because it's like it depends. This is hugely. I mean, there's no way this caller is not in her early 20s. Right. Like early 20s, even late teens. Like if if if you're even in your mid 20s, like the early 20s, everyone's getting fucked up constantly.

And there's even people who would end up not drinking that much or getting fucked up. Right. I don't really drink that much. I'm a I'm a, you know, couple cocktail max guy at this point. Like, I definitely smoke more weed. But when you're 20 through 24, you're getting blackout drunk. That's what you do. You get bricked, you know. And so.

It's tough because there's really no way... If that's the age range you're in, which we're going to guess you are, there's actually no way to not be a buzzkill. You can't fix that. I hate to say this, but there really isn't. Like, even if with some... When they... You're right. Don't get me wrong. You are correct. You should be able to be like, hey, guys, can you not get this fucked up around me? And I'm guessing...

if you're nervous and you don't drink alcohol at all, probably you have a not chill relative that gets drunk. Like that's usually what happens. You have a drunk ass dad, you have a drunk ass mom and you're like, I can't. You've skipped. I've seen the worst version of this. Exactly. And they're such drunks that usually those people either, that's what happens. Either they become such horrible drunks and then in their 30s or late 20s just become sober, which in comedy is like,

This is not a problem in comedy at all because it's like half the people I am friends with were so good at drinking they had to stop. And so everyone understands when you get... But that's, I think, most people too. Once you're in your 30s or even late 20s, enough people have kind of stopped drinking

Not that most people still drink, but they know enough people that are sober. You got to give people space to burn out. Exactly. We talked about this. I used to drink Kraken rum. Kraken? Yeah. It's insane. I would buy a... With an octopus on it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would buy a 20 ounce of vanilla Coke.

I would pour a third of it out and I'd fill the rest with crack and root. That's the most soft corn drink ever. And I'd just get, I'd get fucking blackout drunk off that shit. I hate to say it, that is a light-skinned uncle's drink. It's drunk. It's drunk.

Crack it in vanilla Coke. Crack it in vanilla Coke. Come on. You know what daddy likes. You need to be drinking that shit with like a white linen button down on. Not working the grill, but observing the guy working the grill. I'm learning. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just there for backup, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. God willing, you'll never have to grab the spatula, but in an emergency, you might have to keep, you know what I mean? That's so fucking funny. But yeah, dude, don't get me wrong. I mean, who am I to judge? I was a big raspberry stoli guy myself. Oh, okay. Wow.

Yeah. That's not even the best version of raspberry vodka. Don't get me wrong. I was in the Smirnoff camp as well. Yeah, no, I wasn't drinking manly drinks at all. No. But that is the thing here is that, like, yes, if you're in your early 20s, they're just not...

And half of them will be like... In four years, they'll be like, hey, sorry, we were dicks about how drunk we were. Right. But they just are not... You have a perspective on drinking that they... My guess is you got it the hard way, and they also have to get it their own hard way. Yeah. Which is just by being fucked up all the time. And...

I mean, it just... It becomes a pick-your-battle situation as well. Maybe you don't want to hang out with them on Friday night. Maybe hang out with them Sunday afternoon or some shit like that. You know what I mean? Where it's like, there are positions that lend themselves to drinking more than others. Yeah, it suggests a game night instead of fucking just hanging out at the park. When I was 21, I'd have fucked up a game night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. You're getting fucked up at the game night. I do get pretty black out at my own game night stuff.

It's that cracker than vanilla Coke? Yeah. Like, baby, pull out the good stuff. Scrabbles in. So, yeah, I mean, it's just that I hate the... And, yes, I think it's a pick-your-battles thing, and you don't want to, like...

You don't want to, like, lose these friends, but it's, like, you also clearly are a person who's not comfortable in these, like, extreme drinking situations. And, you know, you can say, like, hey, could you guys slow down a little bit? But it's more... It's better just to, like, be realistic about, like... If your friends were anything like all of us were in our early 20s, they're just going to, like...

They're not gonna take that well. Like, they're not even gonna be like, they'll be like, um... Because at that age... It's also set your boundaries. You're young. Start doing that early. Set your boundaries. But also on some level, it's like...

It's like, hey, I'm not... They're not forcing her to drink. No. Right? So they're like, hey, I don't give a fuck what you do, but you're not telling me not to get fucked up. No, I'll push you down. You know? What are you talking about? It's like, I am getting as fucked up as I want. Yeah. So, yeah, I would just say, like, unless somebody's, like, a super close friend and it's like, you know...

It's a plan you all made together. You can't go out to a party and be like, hey, I'd really... I'd prefer if you stopped at four drinks. It's just a weird... You're in a weird position. You're in the minority in that situation, too. Yeah, and over time, you will find... Everyone will kind of mellow out, whatever. And yeah, I think David's right where it's like, just chill...

pick your spots, hang out, maybe hang out with them when they're, when you can tell when like the perfect storm of them getting insanely fucked up is like, you know, whatever college you go to, they just won a big football game, there's two for one, but,

Bud lights. You know what I mean? Like, when you get, you're like, uh-oh. Blackout's coming, right? Stay indoors. Take shelter for those. And then if it's more of a chill situation, be there. But it's like, you really can't, you really can't affect this kind of drinking. Now, if we misread you and you have a youthful voice and your friends are in their fucking late 20s, early 30s,

I think you actually can have a conversation that's like, hey man, when we hang out, can you just not get that fucked up? We're not in our fucking 20s. And you can even say that, which is like, we're not fucking in our 20s anymore. Like, just chill out. This is kind of like sloppy behavior. I hope this lady is 55 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A voice actress. She does the voice for Tommy Pickles. That's why she sounds so young.

That's always so weird when she's just the oldest lady of all time. She's like, my friends won't stop getting black now. So anyway, good luck. Hope that helps, but...

People are fucking animals in their 20s, in their early 20s. Yeah, they're just going to go hard and break shit. And they deserve that. They do a little bit. We need those stories to be able to fill podcasts. It's true. It's true. What if Langston had never had that embarrassing drink? We would have lost a solid three and a half minutes of riffing.

Clocking in at an hour 27? No thanks. Hit us with another one, Eld...

yeah what up stav uh love you love albus love uh love the show you guys doing a great job probably have a great guest on today you guys always do yes killing it um i'm calling today about uh a strange issue i have never had to deal with my life but i'm from california from the bay area um i got a lot of friends who are

different cultures than me. Mostly a lot of Latino friends. You know, we got like my black friends and stuff. Asian friends. Very, very cool mixture of people, right? That's always a weird move. This black just a little quieter. I've got my black friends.

Especially because he's talking about one guy. That's one guy for sure. A programmer he knows. I got Reggie. I've got my Reggie and Reggie's got his Reggie. Alright. Asian friends. It's very, very... I'm one of the few white dudes there and everyone loves embracing their own culture. I got

One of my Chinese friends, he's learned how to speak Mandarin. He's, like, cooking the food, loving it. All my other friends are, you know, very into, like, their own families and their own cultures and stuff. It's awesome. You know, it kicks ass. We got a cool mixture of things going on. And, you know, I follow them down those paths, and they've always told me, like, yo, like, you know, you got to do your own thing.

thing. I'm not copying him or anything. They're like, embrace your own culture. Find out those things from your roots. They're just asking you to stop using that accent when you talk to them. Maybe just don't say me so horny when you're talking. We're just embracing each other's cultures. Every time we have sushi, she's like, oh, delicious.

It was so good. So fresh. They're like, you got to stop with that. Be your own guy, man. My grandma's pissed. All right, let's see what he's... This is the rare long call with no transcription that Eldest let slip through. So I'm guessing it's good. This is one of those like, I'm skeptical, but I'll allow it, counselor. So I hope you're going somewhere with this, Eldest. This is great.

The thing is, my roots are very southern, like United States southern. Like, my family's been here since, like, early 1600s. Oh, no. Not really much, like, Welsh culture that I feel like that. You know, I've been so fucking long. There's a lot of, like, you know, Arkansas south.

And whenever I try to really bring those things up, talk about those things, do some of the stuff I think is like fun, like, you know, cooking like crawdads and like, you know, shooting guns and driving boats on like lakes and shit. A lot of it is met with like, hey, that has a troubling past connected to it. That's kind of racist. Don't do that stuff, which I get.

So now I'm in this position where it's like, how do I embrace that or, like, really honor that and kind of, like, touch base with my, you know, my heritage a little more without, like, without it coming off? Because there is so many negative associations with it. There's a lot of bad stuff and a lot of bad things people have done. So how do I kind of show that without really, like,

triggering people to think about, you know, what's associated with it. I mean, like, I'm, you know, I try to be as, like, respectful as possible. Like, I'm a big Bernie Sanders guy. All right. Yeah. I'm with you. You can tell because of how nervous you are doing this. Like, you know, making anyone feel bad about themselves. So I'm kind of hiding it a little bit. But, like, I don't know. Is there a point where, like, you guys ever had to deal with, like,

You know, Greek culture, like offending people. I don't know. Never? Yeah. Okay. I see what he's getting at. Yeah. It could have gone, by the way, way worse. Yeah, for sure. I was for sure he was going to be like, so they don't like it when I say pee-pee in their coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was understandable. I mean, I think it's tough because you might also, like...

Crawdads are not racist. Like, that's a tough thing. It's like, you kind of did go the right way in my... Like, if I were this guy, I would try and get, yeah, like, some fun hillbilly shit, which is, like, have a crawdad boil, like, you know, maybe...

Shooting guns is fun, but maybe you're in the Bay Area. Maybe they're just not gun people. It's a liberal swamp. I lived there for years. I know there is a hypersensitivity to that type of thing within the Bay Area where I could see it like he's being shut down. He's like, hey guys, I want to hoot and holler or whatever the fuck they do in Arkansas.

But I do agree with him that he needs to find a way to touch into what he's into. For sure. I do also think that...

I think we've reached a point where we have to stop calling everything that white people do racist. I know. That's the thing. It's like this guy, I kind of feel for him. Yeah. Because it's like what he's described so far is like if it's like food is kind of the great equalizer here. Right. It's like just do a little recipe. It's like the guy...

There were... Like, as hard as it is to believe, it's like, there were people that weren't racist or that being explicitly racist wasn't a part of this specific, like, dish or thing or, like... But even if it was, is it fucking yummy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The biscuits are still eaten. I don't care. I don't care what your grandma calls them. No, that's a good point. Paula Deen, you know, I mean, it's like that, you put a lot of butter in it. Come on. She was still making great fucking pies. I'm out here. I'm eating shawarma. You know what I mean? I don't know. I don't know if they're human, you know, where a lot of shawarma makers specifically stand on maybe trans rights. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And you're right. It's like we have to kind of... It has gotten too far where it's like, this guy's just...

People are asking him to be a part of it. And he's like, hey, here's a recipe from my Arkansas great-grandmother. And they're like, how did she feel about black people? It's like, you know how she felt about them. It doesn't matter who she felt. Can we have some cobbler? Also, if you're a foreigner, a lot of your grandparents feel a lot of bad ways about a lot of people. I'm not bringing my grandma in to say what she thinks about you guys. It's bad. Yeah.

Right? It's bad. So, you know what I mean? It's like... No, that's a great point. Yeah. We're doing that kind of thing. You're absolutely right. Foreigners are racist. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the locals are too. Yeah, yeah. I just think we've reached a point where we are so hyper aware of what white people's history was in this country that we just go, ah, racist. Right, right, right. It's like, bro, yes, but no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we need to block our own history.

behind that where it's like, you guys are pretty wrong. And it's like, all right, but you know. Yeah, it's like society's supposed to continue. We're all supposed to be moving forward. We're all supposed to be better than our ancestors. Like we're all supposed to be more open-minded and more cultural and, you know, and having the mix. So it's like, if I were this guy, it's like, yeah, what do you do with some Arkansas shit? I think you're kind of on the right track with like,

Food is always a nice cultural thing to get going. I think food's the best. That's the easiest one. And then it's like... Four-wheelers. Four-wheelers, hell yeah. Some moonshine. Yeah, the stuff that's not guns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just take out the guns. Take out the guns. That's scary for people. That's all for me. I love it, but I get it. Yeah. But like, yeah, anything like fishing is probably a thing that your family did that's a good time to have outside. Blowing into a jug. Yeah.

Make sure there's three X's on that jug. Going into a jug wearing overalls with nothing underneath. Yeah, I'm sure you play some type of spoons. Walk around barefoot, they'll love that. Yeah, yeah. I think that all that stuff is very good, I think. But yeah, dude, that's... I just...

The hard thing is, like, it sounds to me that people telling you to not bring it up, it's like, it's tough because we don't know. Like, they're probably just being dickheads, to be honest with you. It's like, I know we don't have enough. This guy is so nervous. He's terrified. He's so nervous. And he's clearly done a lot of work to integrate. If that's where he's from and he moved to the Bay Area and he has this peer group, he's clearly done a lot of work.

to integrate himself and to be understanding and whatnot. So it's like, you got to give the guy, you got to reach back and... Of course. Give the guy, help the guy out a little bit. Yeah, you got to meet this motherfucker more than half, I mean, he's more than halfway and it's like, you shouldn't feel this nervous and shit for sharing a fucking, you know, recipe or whatever, or, you know, cooking some crawdads or whatever. And it's like, and maybe at the extreme end, it's like, if your friends are being such dickheads about you,

maybe those aren't also your friends. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like maybe, and look, I'm not telling you to go fucking be QAnon, right? I'm not saying, I'm not saying go, I'm not saying go find more, I'm not saying go find actually racist white people to be friends with, but I'm saying like, there's, you could definitely, like, you know, obviously we have a big problem where it's like,

People say, like, there's the extremes on both sides. And for the most part, right extreme is, like, way more violent and shitty than left extreme. But left extreme is annoying. Like, maybe they're not people they're going to murder. You know, I'm not super worried about, like, criminal... You know, like, fucking an insurrection or, like, them killing someone they don't agree with. But...

I don't want to hang out with them. You know what I mean? Well, actually, every black friend is not created equal. Every redhead is not a good redhead. Yes, yes, yes, yes, absolutely. See, when I listened to this, I thought he was talking about the Filipino specifically. They're the chillest, actually. Filipinos are just the... Nobody's ever had to replace their Filipino friend. They really fucking rock, dude. Yeah. You get a lot of interesting, like... Yeah, it's like...

Some would have called them the party Asian, which I like. I do like that. That's a fun... Every Filipino friend I've had has always been a great...

a great time. They're always fun. They always have cool jerseys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of them are black, it seems like. I'm still trying to figure that out. In the very end, it's a thin line. They'll say the N-word, and you're wondering if you're going to let them. Yeah, you're like, how far am I willing to go at this bus stop? Maybe it turns out I don't care about that word. Yeah.

Not when there's six of them.

So anyway, buddy, good luck and try and get... I'm sure Arkansas has some banging desserts, some banging... Talk about diabetes. You know what I mean? So try and share some of that shit. And if people are being dickheads, maybe you need to find some less annoying friends also. Less shitty, judgy friends. It's a possibility. Because that's one of the greatest things about actual close friends is like...

you then can behave fucked up. Yeah. Because we have established that in reality, we're all cool. We all believe, you know, we're all on the same page with human rights and racism and all that shit. So now that we've established that, we can say some racist stuff amongst friends. You know?

Then we can really let our hair down. And if you're being robbed of that, that's not true friendship. If it feels like a fucking HR PowerPoint every time you hang out with your friends, those aren't your friends, man. There's a lot of Filipino jokes on the table in your relationship that you got to get a chance to pick up. You know what I mean? It's your turn, baby. Yeah, absolutely. Good luck. Oh, yeah?

One more. What do you got? You boys got time for one more? Yeah. Let's do another. This is a good one to finish us off with, Eldis.

Alright.

Can I ask, what are you doing to these people that makes them feel like they love you? You're the person.

That should be answering this question. You know, I shockingly have some insight where you wouldn't believe it is. I definitely have some insight on this question for sure. This has been my experience. So basically this guy is saying he basically just takes every relationship for granted and then he just realizes he fucks up, which...

I definitely relate to. I have fucked up pretty much every relationship. I'm like, oh, if I fuck, I really should. I actually love that girl. When it's happening, you're actively being like, I don't give a shit, and then you're... It's not even I don't give a shit. I have this weird nerves of like...

should I do I even want this like I have this weird like anxiety about like is this right am I should I be with her should she be with me like I'm just overthinking everything where it's like I'm not enjoying the relationship but it's like it stops me from like

The future freaks me out. And so if like at any sign of like a problem, I'm just, I'm hardwired to be like, all right, well, if there's a problem, we should just fucking stop. You know, like we shouldn't work through it. Like this is a sign. This little problem is a sign to just break up, you know, to let it go or, you know, just some shit like that. So this guy seems to be in that kind of like,

In that kind of mind frame where he just completely is fucking up his relationships and only realizing with the benefit of hindsight that he actually would have liked to stick that out. Yeah. I mean, that's difficult, right? He's like, you got to practice mindfulness, right? With him here in it.

Yeah, and I think for me, the only thing that helped me kind of get over this is to be like, oh, well, those feelings are wrong and stupid. You know, like everything I'm thinking is fucking dumb. I'm dumb. You got to beat your hard wire. Yeah, totally. And it's hard to do. But I just, you just kind of have to stay in it and be like, I want this relationship and kind of like intellectually remind yourself. And then eventually just kind of like, for me anyway, I don't know what your situation is. I don't know if it's exactly the same thing. But, you know.

just like let almost convince yourself or just remind yourself what you want and then just kind of like keep going after it and like and also remind yourself where you are now how like you're always sad you always fuck it up and the thing for me that to always realize like

I would get up all in my head and worried because I'm like, well, you know, every relationship is like, it has to be like perfect or we have to get like, or it has to be serious. It's like, not really. Yeah. Just date someone and see where it goes. Yeah. Stop thinking about what's going to happen. Stop thinking about the problems in the future. Just enjoy what you're in. And I think that was, you know, that's a big, like I was in...

That thinking, I was in a pretty long relationship. Ultimately, whatever, it didn't work out, but it was fine. And I've been on the road so much that I haven't really dated. But it's like, I'm trying to bring those lessons into the next round of like, all right, when I'm home a little bit and my life is a little regular...

I have to remind myself, like... But I feel it... I even feel it kind of happening where it's like, I'll see, you know, I'll see a girl or old... It's like, when you're on the road constantly or you live in a different city, it's like, you have the cover of being like, well, this is never going to work. How could I commit to you? So... But I also feel myself when I do like... But you're still investing in that life? When I do like someone and I'm like...

I'm not even taking that cover. I'm just the same thought process is starting where it's like, here's all these other reasons why it wouldn't work and like whatever. Where it's like...

So I don't know. Yeah, I do think that that is a sort of liberating moment in relationships where you stop making it about the outcome and just make it about the experience as it's happening. Which will be huge for this guy, I think. Yeah, it's like it doesn't matter if you guys are together for 40 years or if you break up tomorrow. Like, enjoy the fucking day. You still got sucked off. Yeah.

No one's taking those suck-offs away from you. And that's what I say to my wife most nights. You can't take the suck-off back. And I throw my hands up just like this. That's mine now. You can take my kid, but you can't take my suck-off. Put it on my tombstone, man.

So yeah, buddy, I think that's, I think those are, and yes, go to therapy and talk about this shit. I like, the other thing I like to say about therapy for this show is like, go to therapy when you have something to work on. Yeah. You don't want to just go to be a therapy person. You get aimless very quick. If you have, but if you have a specific thing that's like, this is a great example where it's like,

I'm never grateful in a relationship. And then when it ends, I always miss them. It's like something's going on. Yeah. If this pattern keeps happening to you, I don't know where it comes from. Obviously we don't fucking, this is a voicemail and none of us have any training, but, but something's going on here that I think is, is worth, we gave it our best shot, but something's going on here. That's like, we'll help you. Like you need to figure this out, not just for your relationships, but for your life in general. You owe it to yourself to figure out what's going on. Oh,

100%. For your own happiness. So, you know, and also if you're feeling like you're the man, you're not. This also often happens where it's like, you'll be with a woman who, her presence kind of improves your life and your self-esteem. And then you're like, be getting bitches. You know?

You know what I mean? It's like, what am I doing here? I should be getting more pussy. Which is being ungrateful. Which is being ungrateful. Which is like, oh, you've elevated me. Now let me take these new skills and apply them to someone else. Look what you're taking from me. Yeah.

Selfish whores. So just remember that. It's like, you're not the man. And the second she's gone, all that juice is gone too. And that's why men cheat, by the way. It would feel awesome to have both. To be like, I have someone who's making me feel good about myself and...

my life feels, you know, complete and she's like elevating me and then it's like, but there are also all these random hot whores that I can also just fuck. And that is why cheating is like an age-old thing

It fucking probably feels awesome. Yeah. It's like skateboarding and eating a steak at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can figure it out. That was fucking weird and cool. I love this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two peaks in one. If you can figure it out, good for you. It's tough. It's in my blood. Cheating is in my blood. There was a... And...

So don't cheat. Don't feel like you're the man and just try and stay, you know, remind yourself that you're great for all this stuff. And like we said, go to a little therapy, work on this, talk to somebody who might know. But good luck, little buddy. We believe in you, pal. Yeah, you got it.

fellas, that's going to do it for us. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. This was so great. Please come back anytime you guys are in New York. Let me know. We'd love to have you back. You can't do ours. Okay. Fuck. Well, if you ever change your mind, I'm here. I'm available. If you ever decide to dissolve the brand.

Come on, Greek. We'll sneak right in there, man. Just change the non-American whites. Those are our favorites. So go listen to the podcast. Go see the boys on tour. And we will talk to you guys soon. See you next time. Bye-bye.