#42 - Lewis Black
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Welcome, everybody, to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOB. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. I'm pumped. I'm so happy to have in the studio, in beautiful Astoria, Queens, as you can tell, the legend, Louis Black. Louis, thank you so much for coming. It's my pleasure. I appreciate it. It's my pleasure. And you've got to show you just how little a life I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought he'd be busier, but we got him. Really? He'll do it? One day, no problem. Yeah.

Can we do something tomorrow? Yeah, Lewis will be here for the whole next month, folks. He's doing every episode. He's the new co-host. We're so, yeah, thank you so much for coming. We met on the Fully Loaded tour. That was so much fun. It was. And we've got a fellow son of Maryland. Yeah. You know, and somebody who, you know, I'll suck you off up top and then we can just do the podcast. But I've been a fan of...

For years. I mean, literally, I was a little, I was like a nerd. Like, I was right in the politics and comedy, like, nerd zone in, like, end of high school into, like, college before I was like, I don't want to learn.

want to learn. I was done learning by about, like, I know a lot about the first Obama election. And that's when all my political knowledge kind of drops off. I was like, I'm done. I'm doing dick jokes for the rest of my life. No, I get it. But there was just a moment where I was just so, that was, I was really in the pocket. I was, you know, hugely, and still, I mean, still a huge fan. So this is so, this is huge for me, man. Thanks for coming. Yeah, yeah. My pleasure. Yeah. It's, uh.

It's awesome to have you here. And yeah, we won't be talking politics because I am dumb now. That's fine. I don't miss politics.

When we don't have to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't miss it. And it's also, it's kind of like the joke that I do on stage. It's, you know, oh, it's so great to be a, you know, be a comic now. There's so much to talk about. Yeah, but you got to make it funny. Well, fuck you. It's not funny. A lot of it's not funny anymore. Totally. No, absolutely. You go through the same shit over and over and you come up with, it's this, and what's,

It's the same thing with a dick joke. It's like, how do I make a different dick joke? How do I make a different joke about this asshole? I mean, it was kind of like, when are you going to stop doing comedy? When I can't come up with a better joke about what's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just feel like I'm stuck 'cause I just have no skills. You know, it's like you start doing, you're 19 and you're like, ah, I don't wanna get a job. I wanna go to a fish restaurant and do five minutes of standup comedy in College Park, Maryland.

And then... Dude, this was... It was the Clarion Inn attached to... It was attached to the Clarion Inn. It was at the time called EJ's Landing. It was a nautical theme. I believe now it is an Indian restaurant. It's been bought out by an Indian family. But that was the first place I did

was a very shitty seafood restaurant on Route 1 in College Park. I know, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I went to Maryland for a year. Oh, Elders, too. We got two Terps in the building. Go Terps. Yeah. That was the year I was out of there. Yeah. You were gone. I was gone. Well, because I was at the school for...

Maybe... Which was four or five miles from my home. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm not doing this. I am not fucking living near... I'm not... And I'm living at home. This is not what the deal's supposed to be. So you're just commuting. Because you grew up in Silver Spring, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know all about it. It's unbelievable. You say College Park. It's so funny because it's everybody...

you know, all of anyone who lives in any community, you got, they're all the triggers. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That you found, you were living in Baltimore and found a place in College Park, a fish restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he literally, it was because I was shamefully hiding from my immigrant family that I was doing comedy. So, yeah, they didn't want anything. When I, I mean, I was like, I'm first born, you know, my family moved over here in the 80s. And, yeah,

you know, six years after they moved, I was born, and they just kind of stuck around, and the idea for staying in America was like, all right, well, at least the way my father looked at it was like, all right, well, these motherfuckers owe me their lives. So I always tested, well, I read, this is the kind of show, I read the first part of your book, you know? So we're going to do a lot of questions about your childhood. Because I didn't...

We do some research, but not a lot of it. I get that, too. I can't believe people do research. I can't believe people do no research. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little to get us going. Where they read, you know, at least you read a paragraph. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been to it where they just go to the Wikipedia.

Oh, and they just read, and you know the paragraph. You've read it yourself. You're hearing the exact place the commas are. You're hearing them pause exactly as it's written. But I was the kind of kid that you were where it was like you learned about, you learned how to get good grades. You just kind of understood the system and you were like, you knew how to like, so I tested really, I grew up in the age of standardized tests.

So I, for whatever reason, was great at those tests, right? And I think it gave my family a false sense of, oh, he's a genius. He's going to bail me out. My father was like, he's going to bail me out of all the debt I'm in. I was always supposed to be a lawyer or something like that. And so I didn't want them to know I was doing stand-up. So our winter break, I went, I lived on Eldest's couch in College Park, and I looked up all the open mics in the area, and

The first time I was ever on stage was an open mic where they did a joke contest at the end of the thing, like for the audience. And I was going to go to the open mic next week, but I went to check it out. And I like, this is what a dickhead I was. I like punched up some other guy's joke.

and won a bottle of Campari when I was 19. And then me and Eldis went and had a... Remember what we had? We had like chicken cutlet sandwiches. We had like frozen chicken patty sandwiches. The kind they serve... We got them from like Giant. They come in like 48 packs. And we had chicken cutlet sandwiches and Campari and sodas to celebrate the first... And it was a $20 cash prize. And I think we also bought like a chocolate cake. And me and Eldis...

had Campari and sodas, chicken cutlet with American cheese and white bread and Campari and sodas and chocolate cake to celebrate. And you said, boy, this is what I want. And I was like, this is the life, baby. Eating dog shit. You know what's so funny? That literally would become our... Elvis is now my tour manager. Our lives literally are eating dog shit at midnight, getting fucked up and getting no pussy whatsoever half the time.

So that was... I had a taste of the good life. I was like, I made $20. I'm getting illegal booze. And then for the whole month, I went to... I stayed in Elders' and I just did, you know, a bunch of open mics and just tried to, you know, figure... And then eventually I would quit because of all the immigrant guilt of, like, my parents. Like, I quit after a year and I tried really hard to be a, you know, just a good student and a good... And I just...

I tried for two years and it was fucking killing me and I was like, I can't do this shit. You didn't go to college? I did go to college. I was at UMBC actually and then I dropped out. I only needed two language credits.

And they let me walk across the stage. They were like, you'll get these in the summer, right? And I was like, yeah, for sure. But all I wanted was my mom to see me with the cap and gown. So I had a three, I graduated, I walked magna cum laude. Great. And I had the cap and I do not have a degree because I never went back and got

my language credits. They never gave me the degree. Even though I know, I also know Greek, by the way. So I could have tested out of it and I Googled like, hey, what do I do here to get it? And they were like,

This looks annoying. I have to come to New York. I didn't live in New York at the time. I have to take a bus. I have to pass a test. I don't need a degree. This comedy thing... Somehow the hubris of youth turned out correct. I was like, fuck a degree. I'm going to be on SNL in a fucking year. You know what I mean? That's what I thought when I'm 20 years old, but...

Yeah, that was kind of the... You know, I was just... And I just... So I just ended up doing this because it's like, what the fuck else am I going to do? But, you know. And so you went to College Park. You were only there for a year. You didn't spend the beautiful four years we did over there. But you were out. Your mom was hovering. What was going on? Just the family was hovering? I was living with my... No, I was just living with my parents. It's like, this is... And my...

And I'm there with guys I love, three guys I went to high school with. And I said, but this is not the deal. I'm supposed to be... And I'd done really well in school. I mean, stupid well, like to the point where...

I graduated, you know, very, I mean, I was the top male in a huge class. Love that. And they said. Love that they still broke it down by gender. Yeah, it is. It was like top male, meaning the smartest one. Yeah. Well, because I couldn't do. And the top female went to secretary school. Yeah. You got to go to college. And she got free typing lessons. Yeah.

So they all... The two who were ahead of me went on to really good schools. I go in to meet a guidance counselor. My guidance counselor says, you can go here, here, here. List these places. They're all...

you know, the top of the, you know, the top. I was supposed to get into, Brown was going to be no problem to get into Brown. It was going to be no problem to get into Amherst or Williams or these places that in retrospect, you go, fuck. But at the time it was like, you know, it was out. It was get out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. And, and,

And this guy had given me all wrong advice. You know, I just got fucked. You're just a dog shit guidance counselor. Yeah, exactly. I might as well. I could have called you. You were probably three and a half. They'd gotten the same advice. It's fucking unbelievable. So I get, and I kind of got completely fucked. I got, I applied to six schools. I got rejected by five of them. Yeah.

The only one that accepted me was Georgetown. Oh, okay. Still close. But still too close. The only one that accepted you was, yeah, in D.C. Still too close. And at that point, I knew I wanted to try theater. That's why that was...

That was my direction. I bounced off the theater wall and ended up in stand-up. Okay. But that was where I was headed. And why theater? Did you do a lot of theater, like, growing up? I mean, you watched a bunch of theater. You know, was that what was... It affected you so much? I would go to see these plays with my parents down at the... There was a Schubert Theater down there. And that was where these plays would come through on their way to New York. And I got...

It just fascinated me that this group of people could come on stage and create this reality, which is what we do, in a sense, but create this reality for people. And I've just found it amazing. And so there was something about it that was much more interesting to me than math. I didn't, what the fuck is this for? Yeah, who wants to add? Fuck this. Well, I was, is there no, you know, if they had even made a big attempt to,

Because for years I'm going, you're going to teach math and you're not going to teach it in terms of how to do an income tax form. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to get kids hooked. Yeah. That's a way to kind of do... Absolutely. And that they can help their parents. You know, I mean, it's like they keep that like, oh, we have math, but we have a secret thing that you could use for the math, but we're not going to show you. Yeah, yeah, a useful thing. So, you know, it was like...

And all of the interesting stuff which you read about by the time which you stumble on when you're like in your 30s and somebody, you're on an airplane flight and the guy is a physicist and talks to you about math. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And goes, holy fuck. You go, fuck that? Yeah. That's cool. That's a secret. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So all of that stuff.

Like we were talking earlier, we knew how to do it. We knew how to game the system. Of course, yeah, yeah. So this was something that I couldn't game. I was not... I couldn't act. I wasn't writing. I just found it like... But you loved it. I loved it, and I knew I could write about it. And I thought writing about theater was... Since I wasn't...

Like, I played a lot of ball. I played a lot of baseball, all that stuff, you know. It's like being a sports writer, but you're writing about something, you know, that's intellectual. Right, right, right. But in a sense, it has its own quality of being a sport. Sure. You know, and so I thought I could write, you know, I could write about it and...

And so I kind of got hooked on that. And I also did my last year at school, high school, I had these friends. All my friends probably like yours were funny. Right, right, right. So I hung out. You had a good, yeah. I had funny friends. We had a bunch of funny losers, me and Eldis. Yeah. Me, Eldis, another buddy of ours. We spent a lot of our time, you know, smoking the worst weed possible. We literally would drive to like...

Philly for cheesesteaks from Baltimore. Like we, you know, again, not a theme that ran through my adolescence. No pussy whatsoever. So it's just you and the boys having a good time listening to, you know, the mixtape, Little Wayne mixtapes and getting stoned and, you know, embarrassing ourselves at parties. I'm getting so fucked up. I'm taking my shirt off, bouncing on trampolines, hoping that'll get me attention from women and they're all horrified, obviously. You know, so, but we were, but we had, but we were, we could all riff. Yeah.

Yeah, we had that. We all had it. There was about seven of us, and everyone was... That's awesome. And a bunch of them were funnier, you know, in retrospect, really much funnier than I am. But so we did a... You do a talent show every year. We did this thing, you know, and they bring, you know, people do their... And it's always this...

Same shitty kind of theme. Two old ladies in an attic going through stuff. It's horrifying. And then they bring on an act based on a photo or some shit. And they handed it in yet again. And we had two days...

to fucking... We grabbed it. I said, we're not doing this shit. We can't do this. Yeah, it was embarrassing. So the three of us sat down and it was... And I can still... I can't remember... You know, you kind of go memories in your life, but I can remember clearly where we were. We sat there. We fucking rewrote the shit out of it. I played...

I played an agent, and they were trying to get on a TV show. Oh, wow. Meta-commentary. Yeah.

Metacommentary on the state of show business was your high school play. Yeah, it was. It was exactly what it was. So there was me and we broke parts in for my friends. Yeah. And they were all very funny. Yeah. Everything in between was going to be funny. So these people come in and they'd audition. And nine times, the people are going wild. And I'd go, you know, why would you even do that in public?

Right. This was just appalling. That's the song? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was kind of nice, but who's got time? You're not getting on the show, and I think...

The one that won was something we made up, which was shitty. Yeah. Somebody, one of our guys doing something awful and I gave him the prize. But it really... But the hook was way deep in your... As you well know, deep in your brain was this huge laugh. I was playing in front of a thousand people. That's crazy, yeah. Which was crazy at that time. But I wasn't playing me. But I was... And that was really part of the...

you know, what I was hooked in that sense of also theater. I mean, I'm playing kind of a character like me. I went, oh, okay, this is really good. I'm going to pursue this. And also I liked...

And I always liked getting up. I liked getting up in front of our class, which was huge. And I was in charge of a bunch of things, and they would ask questions, and I'd tear them apart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels nice. Why would you even ask that question? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you set up the infrastructure where you could shit on people. Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

Where I could be sarcastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And use my strongest suit. Right, right, right, right. And so that was really the drive behind theater. Yeah. And then I transferred out of College Park. Too close. Just too close. Too close to home. It's the 60s. Yeah. You know what I mean? You can't have that much of a good time in your childhood bedroom. Oh, no. You can't. Yeah. And then...

I mean, the high point of my life at that point was, you know, there was a group of, there was five women playing in some bar in College Park or down near D.C. Sure. They're called the Great Dames. The Great Dames. And we would literally go and watch them do three sets of music. They were beautiful. And that was my sex life at that time.

You were a groupie for a local band. But they were all stunning. Did you ever approach any of the great dames? No! I just was hoping they wouldn't notice that we were coming back every week. What is the matter with you guys? Trying to catch a hard nipple through a shirt. That could sustain you for weeks on end if it's a little chilly at the bar that the great dames are at. Yeah.

So all of my early stuff that I did kind of when I was starting to do stand-up kind of on the side just for fun was all about my sex life. Yeah, classic. The nipple on the shirt thing.

I mean, it all starts with, there's no, that's the other thing. It's like, you know, I'm like, I talk about how, oh yeah, I just, you're 19 and you wanna, I'm just doing open mics. But if it's, if we really distill it, it's for attention from women. Yeah. Like when I'm, no one, that's the only time being funny in a social setting was what kind of set me apart. It's the only time girls had any interest in me. I was too nervous about,

you know, to make anything happen. But I was like, why don't we just distill this and then hopefully... And it worked. I mean, that was the only way I got laid when I was young was like post, you know, around shows, whatever. And then eventually I got enough confidence from it. But yeah, absolutely. That's how it starts. I do have the like...

the older I get, the more I have just the caveman's view of like, when it comes down to it, everyone is doing whatever it is to get laid. Like, on some level. And, you know, there's obviously satisfaction from your work and there's some other thing, but it's really, at least at the beginning, that's how it starts. Yeah, and then it becomes everybody does something so they can have a nap. Yeah.

That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Naps are great. I am transitioning slowly to the nap zone. I mean, I don't know how you feel, but I mean, you do the show, you stay up. You're up till 3, 4 in the morning. And even if you go, I'm going to go to sleep, you can't go to sleep. You can't go to sleep. And then, so the next day, it's always been a part of me, even when I was younger, that you'd

Do the gig. Stay up too late. Wake up. Go through part of the day and then have to knock out. Gotta have the nap. That's yeah. Gotta have that. Four o'clock. I'm in there snoozing. Eldest can go set up the cameras. I have work to do.

I love showing up. I love cutting it closer and closer where it's like, you know, now I'm like, oh, the feature just got on? All right, I'll be... Give me... How much time do you have left? You know, it's like, I really, when I'm... Yeah, I've had some...

We had some atrocious tours where I was just getting... And also, I don't know, I was getting way too fucked up and just the hangover's crazy. Like, I physically can't get out of this bed until 6.15 to shower, hit a cold shower. But, you know, we're doing better, folks. We're trying to survive. We're trying to live and see a couple more tours. And you end up doing it. I can...

being someone who's been through the rigor, you kind of go, because part of it says, I don't want to do this. You still keep the drinking. Of course. You kind of figure out where to put it. Oh, geez, I'll drink till two. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll be an improvement. But you will still come back to the problem, and this is, I think, universal where you go.

You're drinking and you go, fuck, it's 12. Son of a bitch, I'm going to be in bed by 1.30. Well, then at 5, oh, fuck. Then it's 2. You have to hit it just right. The first time you check your watch, you have to be a little alarmed. You have to be like, fuck, I'm behind schedule. You can't be ahead of schedule unless you're getting fucked up till 4. I know all about it. And I do know that it's just a...

The thing that always amazed me with stand-up, especially when I left theater and really became a, just did the comic, was that I couldn't understand how comics, you know, unless you, until I really began to understand that alcoholism's a problem. Of course. There are these things. But how, if you were doing this for a living, what better?

for someone to drink. Oh, it's... It was just... Because, you know, I went, so let me figure this out. So I could drink till five. I still have 12 hours of sleep. Yeah, dude. You know, I mean, you almost have to fucking fuck it up. Yeah, and we do. Plenty of us do. That's the thing. It's like, it's the perfect camouflage for any number of drugs, sex addiction, food addiction, everything. And it's like...

The only one I don't struggle with is actually drinking. All the other ones, those, yeah, yeah. I'll have a drink or two, but man, will I... Yeah, just staying up too. Because it is that thing of like...

That's exactly what you get into comedy for, for me. And it's like, I'm trying to grow up and be like, all right, it's done. You had plenty of years where you're getting fucked up. You're, you know, it's like you're not an insecure 16-year-old, you know, watching Comedy Central half-hour presents anymore. You're the guy at the show. Stop. You have nothing to prove. Stop getting fucked up. Stop trying to get pussy every fucking night. Just go watch Netflix with your pal Eldis. Okay?

Go eat a Greek yogurt. It doesn't have to be a thing of wings and a whole pizza. Stop taking dick pills and just chill out, man. Those are my affirmations that I have to say to myself on the road. I'm fascinated by the fact that you wanted to be a playwright. I can't even imagine...

I mean, I guess it's a little bit of not... Stand-up is kind of like out there, but it's not really... I wonder if you would like... Obviously, you looked up to comics and stuff like that, but I also feel like plays had such a bigger part in the culture at the time that they don't really do anymore. But I just... It's such a different artistic exercise from the immediate feedback of just you on stage that you're fucking sitting somewhere...

typing out something that you won't even get to say. Some other asshole gets to say. You know what I mean? And I have to imagine there was a lot of competition for it and it's just like such a different skill set to what you ended up excelling at. So what's that like? What are those years where you're just like, I just imagine you with a scarf and a typewriter. I never wore this. Yeah.

I just think it's playwright, I think. Wandering around with an ass-gut. A completely different guy. You're slicking your hair back. Smoking jacket. Yeah, smoking jacket. Long cigarette. You in a cafe. No, I just got a kick out of doing it. And then once you kind of start doing it, you realize, I mean, you've got to realize I was...

You're working with these people who are really good at what they do. They can fucking... So you kind of go... So it pushes you in terms of your writing. Oh, I can write about this because that person can do that and da-da-da-da. And I... And nobody... I was at Chapel Hill. I was... I discovered along the way... I went to the University of North Carolina. One of the reasons I went there was...

there weren't a lot of places you could really get playwriting, where you could take it on the college level, the university level. And so there were places that kind of taught it, but it was not, and there was no kind of teacher there that was, you know, who really was doing this. At Chapel Hill, I discovered in the catalog I was looking through that you could actually get...

get a drama major and it would be an emphasis, you'd be in playwriting. - Oh, interesting. - So I could do a lot more writing. So I thought, well fuck, this is great, 'cause now I've cut out six credits. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Boom, and I can just write. Well you got that, then there are nine credits, and some of those are in theater.

And you've got a pretty two years where you can really write away and nobody else was doing it. There was nobody. - Interesting. - They were graduate students. - Oh, but you were the only undergrad. - Only undergrad by far and they didn't know. I was going, so here's what I'm gonna do and they said, well, you can't do that. The book, that was when I realized being smart did have certain payoffs. I opened the book, you sent me, you fucking idiots.

And I read it. Yeah. And so I did that. And then immediately... And the big hook was... I wasn't getting...

This is, so have you tried to write anything yet? Yeah, a couple screenplays. I mean, screenplays, not really, you know, for the stage. But yeah, screenplays. Yeah, I mean, well, you've got a fucking brain. You know, you skip theater, you might as well be writing, oh, good, I'm going to be, I'm going to declare a vow of poverty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So I'm going to be a playwright, especially when I was doing it.

And I didn't really want to write the other stuff. I had no desire to... I went to a lot of movies, and I liked the idea of taking the structures in film and using it. But what's amazing is I took...

I took the courses at Chapel Hill. I took, eventually when I went to drama school, you know, I took the courses there in playwriting. They never taught anything about plot. Oh, wow. They never taught anything about story. Huh. Well, you fucking idiots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like saying we're going to teach you math without numbers. Yeah.

And you're being modest. You went to Yale Drama School, which is the fucking, you know, one of the best ones in the world. It was the hoo-ha. Yeah, yeah. And they didn't teach you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it was like some of the first thing that I wrote at Chapel Hill was a play, and I got all of these actors together who were all getting, you know, fucked over. They weren't doing a show, and they had time, and I had friends who did film.

got us all together and said, I want to write a play, and I want it to be about growing up in America, and it was, and I said, so we'll, you know, we'll do some scenes and stuff, and I'll bring in a scene, and then we'll work on it. So they improvised and wrote this, and da-da-da-da, I wrote it, and they, we would do all this, and, and, uh,

And I couldn't get the, the theater department, of course, wouldn't do anything. And meanwhile, I had this fellowship to write there because I was the only one who'd come out of the school with a playwriting degree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it was the first time I had money, really. It was like back then, it was like not a ton, but it was really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, from being a broke college student getting a couple G's in your bank account? No, it was unbelievable. Especially down there at that time when it was still,

going to school, everything was cheap. Yeah. And in comparison, by far. And so we ended up, we worked on it. I went to the student union. I knew the kid there who was in charge. I said, I'm going to do this. I said, I'm not going to borrow a dime until we have a show. And I said, it's not going to be more than a grand that we're asking for. They would do student shows every

you know the theater for five ten thousand i'm gonna do it for a thousand and uh and we need and then when it if it doesn't work out i'm not gonna we won't do it yeah i'm writing it we're getting there and i'm going we're gonna need the money we'll do this and uh it was a massive hit it was insane

It was crazy, Bill. So you're the king of Chapel Hill. I was the king of Chapel Hill. I was the king of North Carolina. He toured the state. Wow, holy shit. What we did was we got immediately, we got out of, the show was, the guy who wrote for the paper in Raleigh,

ended really what was my career at the school by saying, by writing a review. By letting everyone know you were Jewish? No, no. Like, this is all well and good, but he's kind of distributing dangerous ideas to the Christian youth here in North Carolina. Here's the side. Here's the side. That is good.

The first girl I went out with there at Chapel Hill said literally within four minutes...

You know, I've never dated a Jewish man before. And I was like rubbing my head. Oh, finally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, good. Did she ask you to do that? She had a thing. She was like, do one of the most Jewish gestures possible. Rub your hands together. Scheme. She didn't touch my head to see if I had horns. Yeah.

It was really... But that's exactly... That is so good. It was... We basically... I even forgot what I was talking about. The guy ended your career. The reviewer. Oh, the reviewer. The reviewer said... God, that was too good. Thanks, man. That was...

So it was really a chunk of being there was like that. Yeah, I can't even imagine. To go from Silver Spring, which is a big Jewish suburb, to go to North Carolina at that time, it's like I literally, I was joking, but part of me is like, that must have been fucking wild. It was wild. It was good, and it got really sane quickly because it was the 60s, so we got over a lot of stuff quickly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Christ, we were all on acid, and we're all the same!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the guy wrote this review in which he said this was by far the best production he'd seen on the campus in 15 years. Wow. So he wiped out all of the work that the drama department had done. Wow. Oh, so they were pissed. So they were pissed. You do this thing for $1,000, you know what I mean? And he's like, this is better than anything. Yeah, and so...

And eventually, I wrote it as part of like, I was going for a master's. I didn't take many courses. But so the course that I took in Play Ready, so this play, huge hit. We end up, we got permission from the school and from the state. The state ended up saying we could tour the show. So with that review, we ended up the,

The State Arts Council gave us money and we toured like seven stages. Wow, that's great. It was great. And that's... So you're on the road even with... That's interesting. You have the ability to be on the road and you're Mr. B, you're the fucking director or the playwright? I'm the playwright. And so you just get to go... You don't have to do shit. You wrote it. I wrote it. You just get to enjoy it. Exactly. You just get everybody giving you accolades. Exactly. And then afterwards, we would do a Q&A with the audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. About what they... And it was one of these things, you know, it's the thing is...

is with right place, right time. It's all about, you know the career thing. It's all about timing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, if you'd done the podcast interview

six months from now it might have been. I think about that all the time. My parents tried to have kids for years. They couldn't. And I think about if I was born when they wanted to have me, I'd be born in one of the worst times for comedy. My career would have been like, I came right at the right internet. If my parents, if they didn't need to go get, I'm an in vitro baby.

And if they had me, if I'm born five years earlier, shit is a lot different for me. Like a lot, my whole career is off the internet. From the first podcast to, you know, to the clips, to everything. It's just right place. I think about that constantly. If I'm, you know, even 40 now, it's a little different for me because I think what I did at first was I was a little, you know, it was just like I just hit right at the right time. So constantly it's all that. I mean, so much of this is,

You've got to be talented, but talent is just the floor. It's luck. I know all these guys and women that I know that I think...

you know, should have had breaks. Absolutely. And I fell into it because of, you know, the Daily Show because of six, four people I knew. And so I end up on there and then all of a sudden, within three years, David Tell and I are the face of the network. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's crazy. Yeah, it was awesome. But it was, that was what did it. And there's other people I know who, you know, they've got

You know, the guys, like, all over the place, women all over, you know, that should have gotten... Absolutely. And it really is just if they'd been here or here. Yeah. So, I mean, for me, that...

That thing really, and what was really, and it was really true at the moment in time, we go take the first place we go to. So now we leave the campus. Now we're at the University of North Carolina, Greensboro. All women's school. Very nice. All women's school. And so we do it there. The places, it's more, it's like 1,200 people are watching it. Wow. It's amazing.

It finishes, and they all get a standing ovation. They go completely bullshit. Holy shit. And I turned to my friend, who's the producer of it, and I said...

It's never going to be better than this. We've just peaked. Yeah, absolutely. Well, maybe an hour or two after that. Yeah, I think, you know, them giving you a standing O is one thing. But it was really, I said, we're...

For this to happen again, this doesn't happen again next time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was the moment. It was kind of like when you're in a bad... Now, I'm in a great relationship. This is like, let's walk away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we have this memory. Before I fuck it up. Yeah.

Or like it's that moment when you're in the bad relationship and you go, ooh, that's a signal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should leave right now and you don't. And you're like, but I can handle this. I can handle this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's very interesting. They'll change. Yeah. I wonder if that has anything to do with our psychologies that we look at things that way. Because I'm right there with you. You give me some dog shit, I can handle this. But it's something good. It's like, no, I will fuck this up. And then it became different. Then it was like...

Because it was everything about it. It was written about growing up and how do you deal with the fact that we're in the middle of a school. You're in the midst of this school thing and there's a war going on. And the kid decides that he can't be a part of this anymore on any level, both school and the war, and he's going to walk away. So the place went, you know, so in terms of fantasy, in part...

it was like people went and we were really good at describing what it was like to be born in the suburbs. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I was good at it. We had 20 people involved in feeding me information about their upbringing. So there was always something that was like, oh, that happened? Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. So it really had, it had something to it. And so that was, that hooked me for a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, I'm going to make that happen again. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Nope, that was your most successful play? Was that it? I had other plays that did well, but not on it. But that was it, yeah. That was it. I've got a one-act play that I think is kind of remarkable whenever it's done. Cool. People go...

a bit apeshit about it because it's called The Deal. It's two guys making a deal. Yeah. And you never know what the deal is. Yeah. Oh, wow. And one of them has, I love just talking about this because it's so sick. Yeah, please. So it's two guys making this deal and one of them, and they're upping each other. Everyone is, everything, like the guy is, the office is in, they're meeting and he's so high there's actually no view and birds suffocate at that height. Yeah.

And the other one has a bunker. It lives in a bunker. Yeah. It will be shot into space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, prescient. The space shit. Yeah. All these fucking dickheads are trying to go to space now. Exactly. I wrote it 40 years ago. It's crazy. And everything I wrote kind of happened. Yeah, yeah. And it was before food was a big thing. It was just starting. Yeah. And...

So the whole deal basically breaks down to the fact that they're cutting the deal over. They both love this chef, and if they can get this chef, they'll fly to see the chef, and that's where they'll iron out the rest of the deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one of the guys, the final topper before we get to that was that one of the guys actually has a gold scrotum. What?

which is another one of my favorites. Gold member, wow. Mike Myers ripped you off too. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, fucking Elon, Bezos and Mike Myers just stealing space and gold balls. And once when it was done, somebody had figured out, this is when you know your deal, this is the difference of theater and what we do. Somebody figured out how to, so the guy zips his fly down to show him and the guy's looking down and,

And he did it so that it looks, his face is reflected in gold. That's artistry. That must feel great to write the phrase gold scrotum and have some, figure it out. I need gold nuts and it's not my fucking problem how it happens. So all of a sudden there's this gold and the next line is he's looking at it and he says, makes my mouth water.

So it's really, it's just a pretty... And it ends with the two of them. And it's only 25 minutes long, but it's one thing after another. And they're squeezing each other's nuts, screaming, screaming, it's a deal, it's a deal. I love that. Yeah, that's a beautiful... Did that come to you under an acid vision as well? It was very weird. I mean, it's one of the... I wish it had. It was like...

It was one of these things as soon as they wanted me to write about money. Yeah. And it was... And I came up with these... Benir and Bular were the names of the characters. I mean, I have no idea where any of it came from. It's one of those things where people go, I just wrote it. That's what I did. I mean, it was just kind of like, holy fuck. Because once you kind of nail...

Once you nail the conflict, once you nail the plot, I mean, it was a pretty simple plot. They're cutting a deal. Yeah. You know, and it can come close for a chunk to right itself. Yeah. And...

No, that's awesome. And then when I was doing, like I said, my minimal research, you basically just started doing stand-up by opening for plays, right? You were just kind of the emcee for the shit you wrote. And then, by the way, the other thing I found was one of the buildings, one of the places you were performing, which is now the Beer Baron Tavern, it was, I don't remember what it was called, but...

They would do open mics there too, to this day. Now it's called the DC Comedy Loft. Oh yeah. Yeah. And it's like from that, from then to like, I was doing open mics there. The same, same places that you, at least on Wikipedia. So that's pretty fucking cool that there's been a one uninterrupted place where they've been doing, you know, comedy the whole time. I didn't know they'd still be doing it. Oh yeah, yeah. It was, it's on, you know, it's off, it's kind of like DuPont Circle area that,

Yeah, it was the Brick Skeller. The Brick Skeller. Now it's the Beer Baron Tavern, and now it's the DC Comedy Loft. And to give you an idea, I wasn't even doing, this is how fucking insane I was. Yeah. Nobody was doing stand-up down there. Stand-up had started a bit. Yeah. It started to kick off in New York, and there's improv in Los Angeles, and it started to move. It was 70, 80, actually. Yeah.

Or no, it wasn't even that. It was 70... I was doing this... I'd gotten out of college. It was 71, 72. I'd finished this play. I'd come home. Now I'm living there and have a job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the federal government. And there's an audition for the Brickskeller. They need a comic. And the comic is going to appear before the music acts, which were basically... This is how old it was. Folk singers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I...

The Great Dames, were they still around? No. Don't think I didn't try to book them. No, really. They'll do folk. I'll buy them some dulcimers. So we ended up going down to this audition. And I had...

I had done some stand-up at Chapel Hill, but I really had just kind of gone on stage. And I told the stories that I told. So, I mean, if you took what I had, which was not refined, I had 20, 25 minutes about sex. Right, right, right. And they wanted me to do three sets a night, 20 minutes. Oh, wow. And so I went in and I did...

My strong set. Yeah. Which was my shitty set. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't really know that I had shittier ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, all right, he's just warming up. He'll be fine. And another guy named Ron Moranian got... And we both got it, and we worked every other week. Cool. And I would just...

take stuff from the newspaper. I mean, I was working around Washington, so I'd do stuff from that. And I had no clue about anything. Of course. And there was nobody around. It wasn't like, there was no open mic nights at that point. Eventually, when I came out of, when I was at drama school, I would go into D.C. to work at another place where it was kind of an open mic night.

and where a variety of people from the area worked, and it was great. But this was, I was really just...

Yeah, just fucking around. Just fucking around. And that they let me. And you had a job at the time. You were working for the government. And your weekends, you're just... Yeah, and I was making... And then I was just shoving the money into the... Because it was like, what was I making? Like a hundred bucks a night or something doing that. It was like phenomenal. But they still pay, by the way. Yeah. That's how much comedy respects... That's how much they respect comedians. Payscale hasn't changed. It just...

In fucking 50 years, fucking cocksuckers. No, at that time, at that time, 100 was real money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's really that good shit. It worked then. Yeah.

It's really true. Yeah. But I made, you know, so all of a sudden I could bank, you know, plus living at home. Yeah, that's nice. And it was all basically I'm trying to raise as much money so I can continue to deal with my real addiction, which is theater.

Yeah. I'm not going to get a fucking dime. Hilarious. Stand-up comedy was what helped you put away for your actual dream. Yeah. How fucked up is that? No. If you were maybe the one kid who did have talent whose parents were like, come on, man, you got to cut some of this shit out. If I'm your fucking dad, I'm like, you're doing stand-up comedy.

to pay for writing plays pick one thing that's not going to work don't do what you can't do you know but good for you man that's that's uh you know you were getting after it I we could talk all day I would I have so many questions I want to ask but we do we got to use some of your wisdom here for our callers oh yeah yeah you learned about my wisdom we've learned so much about your wisdom oh yeah uh

I have so many more questions, but we got to have you back. We'll get to it. But I think we need your perspective for some of our friends here. They're struggling. So, Eldest, why don't you hit us with our first question, buddy? And by the way, before we do that, I should say...

Let's plug some of your stuff. Special on YouTube right now. It's got a million views. Very funny. Go watch it. Free special from Lewis. A podcast. Anything you want to... Tragically, I Need You. Tragically, I Need You. And it's free. Free. Great special. And then I'll be back on tour in the States starting September 21st. I love it. LewisBlack.com. And...

I'll be in Spokane, Washington on the 23rd and then down to Ketchum, Idaho and all the hot spots. I'll be coming through Rapid City. I know that many of you have pined to see South Dakota. Yeah, if you want to take a break from prospecting and go see Lewis. If the mines are hitting. And so I'll be doing that and I'm going to be actually at the end of

This weekend, I've not figured out how to sell a ticket there, which is weird because I'm playing Dublin. Dublin, okay. In Ireland. And I probably do just as well selling tickets with Dublin, Ohio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At their fish market. The freshest stuff. Right from the river, the Cuyahoga. Yeah.

So I'm playing in Dublin, and I've played there like five. I played the Kilkenny as a comedy festival. I played there five times. I played Dublin twice. Can't sell a ticket. Can't seem to sell a ticket. You hear that? Go buy a ticket, you Mick bastards. Don't embarrass us here.

All right. If that turns into ticket sales, I'll be back next week. You heard it, motherfuckers. Buy some fucking tickets. Well, Lewis, I bet you wish you had one of these when you were going to drama school in North Carolina. That's right. A freeze pipe, Lewis. Quiet. Let me tell the people about it.

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I have a very hard time. Eating is a big problem for me. Since we've joined, we just started with Factor. I'm very excited to be partnering with them. They saved me from a midday Chinese food order. I'll tell you that much. I woke up today. I was dreaming of shrimp fried rice, but I had a, I had a fridge full of Factor meals. And I'm like, damn, I'd be a real, real piece of it. I maybe, maybe bleep out. I don't know, but I'd be a real kid. That's not any better.

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Incredible. Especially pasta is hard to get right with pre-cooked stuff. It's all about the texture. This thing was out of control. They sneaked some vegetables in there. Even my bitch ass enjoyed them. Snuck a little carrot in there. Snuck a little green bean. Tasted delicious. I loved it. They have all different types. They have protein specific meals. Any kind of like dietary restriction. If you want to go specific calorie smart, they got you there.

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What's up, Stav? What's up, Eldest? What's up, guests? I love the podcast. I'll keep it short and sweet. I've got a roommate who's got a slight gambling addiction, and I want to know if you guys have any advice on dealing with somebody who you're kind of worried if they can pay the rent every month, not that great a guy all around, you know, pisses in the sink, admittedly, another just relatively douchebag situation.

Kind of a dirty dude in general. But yeah, as far as the gambling and the potentially not having to rent, how would you guys go about living with somebody like that? And if you have any tips for me or for him, thanks a lot, guys. Love the content. Peace. Gambling addict, piece of shit roommate who pisses in the... First of all...

Piss is in the sink. Who amongst us? Okay, let he who is not pissed in the sink cast the first stone. All right, so get off your high horse, pal. We've all kind of didn't want to wait for the bathroom, especially if you're in one of these early 20s guy situations.

where there's only one bathroom probably you're pissing in this let's but we'll you know we'll strike that from the record it sounds like he just hates his roommate it sounds like gambling isn't really it hasn't been a problem yet right no the gambling is really a red herring yeah yeah yeah this guy's just a piece of yeah and the thing that you do which is really simple move there's nothing difficult about this you

He's a piece of shit. He's a piece of shit. He's a piece of shit. What do I do to continue to live with him? It's not... This isn't a marriage, fucker. Yeah, yeah. He's not even a guy that blows you every once in a while. He's just a fucking guy you don't like that gambles too much. And by the way, gambling has gotten out of control recently. It's so easy to... It's like every app, it's like every sports thing. It's like there was...

It was a more honorable thing when the mafia ran it. Like, I don't like now that it's like banks get all the money. It's like you used to really... Gambling, there was an actual undercurrent where you might actually get hurt if you fuck up too much. And I respected that a lot more than this guy who's just like, you might just fuck over your timid roommate who can't tell you to stop pissing in the sink. Who's like, hey, can you clean up your bottles of Gatorade piss? What I love about when they brought in gambling too, which was just...

It just shows how sick we are as a nation. So we're in the middle of a pandemic. People are locked up. We've been five months into it. There's nothing you can fucking do unless you're one of those idiots who says, oh, I'm not going to die from it. Yeah.

You know, who wanders around. And so they immediately started with... That's when it started. Yeah. Fan duel and this. Yep. And the football game. Oh, and you can get a bet down. What the fuck? It's like...

I got, oh yeah, God damn it. Bet your unemployment money on Korean soccer because they're the only ones who locked down. It was crazy what people were betting on because there were just, there was like rugby was going on. There was like New Zealand. You could bet on New Zealand rugby games. You could bet on like

Japanese baseball because they went into lockdown so early. And Korean baseball. Yeah, Japanese and Korean baseball. And so you could bet on that. People were betting on fucking the wildest shit. It was crazy. And then once we opened up, it began. And then, oh, here's a good idea. Why doesn't the National Football League

your own part of the gambling. That's going to really work out. That is going to end badly. They keep suspending. Players keep gambling. Yeah. And they keep getting suspended. And I feel bad for these guys because it's like, well, I know you shouldn't gamble if you play the sport because it's a big slippery slope thing. But these are guys who are not betting on their teams. They're not betting on the outcomes. And it's like you've created this culture of everyone gambles.

And now these guys are just getting fucked. But what else is new? But for you, my friend, yes. Why do you have to fucking... Are we missing something? Why do you have to fucking be their move? This guy sucks dick.

Don't live with a compulsive gambler. And maybe somebody who cleans up after himself a little bit. But this is like early 20s, not understanding that a better life is possible. We've all been there when it's like you look around and you're like, wait, why the fuck am I even here? And we got news for you, buddy. You don't have to be here. And if we're missing something, don't write us. I don't want to know anymore.

Get another one going, Elvis. Yeah, fuck you, pal. All right. Oh, good. Here's another one. Who are these people? This is a child support question. I hope that helps you file it. Here we go. Oh, no. I'm going to start crying. Sorry. Thank you for taking my call. Love you, guest. I have a child support question to ask.

I am a single father in a very red state, meaning this is very rare. And my baby mama was court ordered to pay child support. Here's the fun fact. Her and I get along really well. We're very good co-parents. Years later, after the divorce, our son is healthy, happy, you know, has a good relationship with both of us. She has not paid child support yet.

In almost five years. And we're starting to get close to that $10,000 mark where they start putting motherfuckers in jail. What do I do, dude? The whole entire point of putting her on child support was to get her to help out with the kids. She really hasn't. I pay for most of it. However, she's a good mom once a month when it comes time. And then, you know, during the summer when it's

Critical when he needs his mom. She's always there. She answers my phone calls, does FaceTime with kids. We're friends. I've had it with these pregnant pauses. However, there is that aching question in the back of my head. What would she do if this was reversed? I don't know if that's the question. It's not reversed. It's happening to you.

You're getting finessed by this woman. The thing is, she's done it for five years. Now you're fucking now you give a fuck. Why? Why did you start caring when you're like, oh, it's getting close to when I can send her to jail. This is bizarre. You never brought this up. You're like, hey, can I have some? Have you ever asked her for child support once? What has she said? She just not paid you and you haven't done shit.

then you're kind of a dickhead. You're allowing yourself to get, you know... Was there ever a conversation? Was there ever like, hey, I'm having a tough time this month. Like, can we wait? But I don't get it. If you've never asked and you have a good relationship, you're kind of complicit here, I hate to say it. I don't know. This is bizarre. This is really bizarre. And then I'm just wondering...

So now, you know, the back story I'd like to know. I know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. How good a mom is she if you have custody every time but once a month? And she can't come up with, you know, $1,000 a month. And it's five years, so it's $2,000 a year. That's not that much money, man. No, it's less what you would pay to keep one of those dogs alive. Yeah.

That's true. You're right. Let's do the math. $2,000 a year. That's like $180 a month, bro. That's like every streaming service. Does this bitch have Paramount Plus? If she has the little bootleg ones, too. That's crazy, dude. Okay. This is insane, but also...

You're kind of weird for waiting until it's the jail mark. It's kind of... Another read on this situation is you let this slide, because by the way, it's not that much money, and you let this slide until you have jail hanging over your ex-wife's head.

Now, if you're evil, that's kind of genius. Because now you got her by the balls. Now, anytime she does something you don't like, you're like, oh, that's interesting. Maybe I should call the sheriff. Let him know what the fuck's going on. But it's also strange to be like, what if the situation was reversed? I don't know. It sounds like she probably would have asked you for the money. Are you afraid of confrontation? Like, what the fuck is going on here? You're kind of...

You're kind of, now he said he's in a red state, so he could live somewhere where that is weirdly a lot of money. This motherfucker could live in Mississippi or some shit, and $10,000, you know, that gets you, you could live on an explantation with that money. I'm just going to, as a friend of Stavros' is going to point out, when you send in these fucking things. Yeah.

Explain some of this shit. Because you're leaving part of the story. This is two emails now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two questions sent in, and both of them leaving out chunks. I'm a single father...

I have a chance for a question to ask. I am a single father in a very red state meaning. It's rare. He just wants to pat himself on the back a little bit for being a single dad, which, you know, good for you. What did the baby mama do that he ended up with the baby? Yeah, I know. We would like to know more about her. And she can't come up with 180 for you, dude? Not for you, for your kid. No.

But yeah, I don't know. At this point... You have too much empathy. That much, I'll tell you. But it's also too late in the game. It's kind of strange to be like five years later, be like, hey, where the fuck's my $10,000? She's like, what? What?

I mean, you're getting, here's the thing. You are getting got by this woman. My guess is this was what your relationship was like. This is a vestigial thing. Now, it's not as bad as, you know, sucking some guy off in your shared Nissan Rogue while you're away. You know what I mean? Wow. It's not that bad. Wow. Nissan Rogue. Yeah.

But she is getting one over on you. And my guess is that's what your relationship was like. She was kind of... My guess is she was, you know, I'm just going to... Here's me with the limited information I have.

Really good at giving top. You know what I mean? Like, she's kind of insane. She's crazy or else she'd have her child, right? Means the pussy was probably pretty good. And you're still kind of scared even though you don't get to fuck her anymore. Or maybe she throws you a little pussy every once in a blue moon to get you off her back. And now it's been eight weeks since you've busted and all of a sudden you got the abacus out and you're counting how much fucking child support she owes you.

I got a feeling something like that is happening here. Oh my God.

Wow, your answer is impressive. You have a whole other life going on. You could drop this stand-up bullshit. Thank you, Lucio. There's a million bucks in this. Much more. Just advice, just so that somebody, they love listening to advice. They love listening to advice, and I feel like I have a handle on the situation. You do. Just from his, also his voice is a little timid, and anyone who, I hate that this is kind of,

Now we're getting a little too caveman brain, but it's like single father. You know what I mean? It's like anyone who gets stuck with the kid for every time but a month.

She kind of got one. You have flipped here where she is basically the deadbeat dad and you're the wife with too much empathy for her piece of shit like husband, ex-husband. That's all there is to it. And she's finessed you. She's gotten one over on you. And you can come up. If you must, if it's now you've decided it's time to take a stand...

Don't put your fucking kid's mom in jail. That's only going to fuck shit up more. You're going to seem vindictive. And if you must do anything here, have a conversation with her and be like, hey, I could like you. This is how much you owe. I don't want to make this something crazy, but can you start chipping in for something? Right. Because but you're also a little complicit here. So you got to start slow and you don't want to be a hard ass all of a sudden because a

She'll flip it on you. You don't have the guts to go... You don't have the guts to play hardball. I can tell. She will do something and you will end up looking like a fucking asshole. I promise you that. I promise you that. So just see if she'll kick in for a fucking juice box every once in a while. Whatever. See if you can kind of get her ledger lower over time. But...

You're a little complicit here, and if I'm wrong, you know, feel free to update us, but I think I nailed you personally. Wow. You're really good. Thank you, my friend. And also, you know, that's... If you just need somebody to call in once in a while and talk to the kid... Yeah. And we don't need to pay you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Call in. Yeah. On the live show, let me help your kid with his algebra homework. Yeah.

All right, Elders, play us another one, buddy. Hey, Stav. I got an interesting one for you. I'm also the older brother of two younger brothers that are twins. I'm 28. They're both 25. There's still, I don't know if your brothers went through this, but they're still in this awkward situation

twin phase and the fact that they were so close together with each other that they never really learned how to branch out and make friends even through high school. Unfortunately, when they were in college, they ended up going to the same college together, which was good. It lined up their anxiety, but it didn't let them become their own person, I would say.

and then with that coveted so in terms of socializing that kind of diminished pretty quickly um i would go over to the house and try to give them like social homework because there was they were they're always good when it comes came to academics um i'm just looking for some help i don't know if your brothers went through this or if they were just as sociable as you right away um i'd really appreciate your help thanks bye

Yeah, I mean, my brother, so I have twin brothers. My younger brothers are two years younger than me and they're twins, but they're fraternal twins. So they're not, I don't know, this sounds maybe they're identical. This happens, identical twins, it's almost like, sometimes identical twins can come off as homeschooled, even if they went to public school. You know what I mean? Like, they just feel Amish, even though, no matter who the fuck they are, you know? Where they have this weird inner language and they don't really break out. That can happen sometimes. Yeah.

Especially if these guys, and these guys are kind of getting, my brothers were not like that. They were fraternal. So they basically were just, happened to be born at the same time. They're not, they don't have any of that twin shit going on. And me and my brothers all just kind of, we took turns. Two of us would be friends and we'd gang up on the other one. It was just continuously changing like power dynamics in the house. And then what? When they were younger?

They're younger. One of my brothers went to college, you know, and then my other brother stayed in Greektown and kind of just fucking... In fact, we're going to have him on... I think we're going to go deep into the Greektown Chronicles, but my one brother went to college, was playing sports, you know, just... He went to, like, a party school. Wasn't a big partier, but was always... He had his own thing. He was very sociable. My other brother just was getting fucked up in Greektown for a couple years. That was his... He went to the University of Eastern Avenue. Uh...

Just drinking 40s and shit and drinking sprayed with raid weed. So they had their own very rich interior worlds. But this can be a problem when, you know, if you have siblings that are way too close, it can be tough. I don't know. And they're 25 now. That's

You might just have to... You might just have to say they're who they are a little bit. And they sound like they might be nerds anyway, right? Like, they just care about academics. They're in college. They end up going to the same college. And then COVID, so they don't get to socialize. And now they're just kind of stuck on academics. Hey, look, man, not everybody's going to be a cool guy that gets fucked up and, you know...

Fingers girls. You know, so some guys have to... We need actuaries. We need guys working insurance. A cool guy with fingers. Yeah.

I've never heard that sentence. But this can happen where it's like, you know, one, if you're, you know, you just, your siblings don't go the way you want them to go. And it's, it can be, like this, here's the thing. Let's put this in context.

Some people's younger brothers are addicted to opiates. You know what I mean? Some people... You know what I mean? Like, some people are doing bad shit. Your brothers are just nerds. And that might just be who they are. And I think instead of trying to mold them in his image, right, maybe you can make them cooler nerds. You know what I mean? Like...

Moderate, what am I looking for? Your expectations. Moderate, what am I looking for? Your expectations. What's the phrase I can't come up with because I'm fucking stupid?

Anyway, just lower your expectations. I wasn't thinking of the word either. Yeah, yeah. Manage. Manage. Who gives a fuck? There's one word that's going to hit me, and it's not even that impressive. That's the most annoying thing. When this happens to me, it's always like a word everyone should know. It never makes any sense. Anyway, so look.

Maybe these guys are not going to be, these guys aren't going to be, you know, cool like you. But see if you're trying to give them social homework. He says, I'd love to see what that social homework is. Pick up the phone? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now you're going to dial? Make eye contact with a woman for four seconds at a time. They're doing like, yeah, they're doing like reps. Order a pizza and pretend that people are coming over? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

open the door. Thank you. Thanks for coming. A couple reps of eye contact with a six. You work your way up to being able to look a nine in the eyes. Get a bunch of dumpy bitches and make your brothers talk to them first. But you know what? I say that as a joke, but not a bad idea.

Because I don't know if this was your, well, you were a theater kid a little bit, but it wasn't, I think it was before the whole theater kid phenomenon happened. Oh, yeah. Where it kind of became its own thing where there was a lot of theater kids who were not popular, but in their own worlds, they were all fucking and having parties within their own ecosystem. Yeah. You know? But not my. No, no, no, no. It was the theater kids.

Even I wasn't even in the world, and I knew that even entering the world would be no different than my own world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the best you can hope for, I think, is your twin brothers becoming cool within their little nerd world. Like, get them, what are their interests? Stop trying to kind of push them into, you know, getting them out and getting fucked up and doing all this stuff.

And, you know, maybe these guys are... Maybe they're going to get pussy at like a board game convention or some shit like that. Maybe it's going to be Settlers of Catan. That's going to be how they find girlfriends. You know what I mean? It's not going to be at a bar. So just see who these guys are and kind of be, you know, understand what you're working with. That would be my advice to you as the older brother. You can't push your bro... And I kind of went up against this sometimes with my brothers. Now we have a good relationship. We've worked on a lot of stuff, but...

Meet them for who they are. You know, it doesn't sound like you guys are the same type of guy. See if you can help them along in their world as opposed to trying to bring them into your world and trying to bring them into your expectations. So, you know, that's all I can tell you, my friend. I've got better advice. Okay, here we go. No, I mean... But it's totally off of what you've asked for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it would be...

stop pushing to socialize them. And if they're good academically, push them to find some sort of work that makes a lot of money. Yeah, absolutely. Get them focused. That's true. If they're not going to focus on socializing, get them to focus on

the fucking job that's in front of them that they can get really good at. Get them a master's. See if they're willing to get a doctorate. Fucking pharmaceutical companies are always looking for a new drug. Get them on track and take 10%. Yeah.

become their agent and forget the rest of it. I love that. Yeah, these are guys that are going to peak with their second wife, not their first. That's how you got to look at your brother. That's true. Yeah.

Get them someone to hold them down through their doctorate. And then, you know what I mean, right around 52, 53, a nice hostess, whatever, you're good to go. The owner of the Golden State Warriors is now married to a woman who was like...

worked at a golf course during, he met at like a celebrity golf game. And you're not going to guess this. She is a lot hotter than his first wife and much younger than him. So that's the path your brothers are on and don't fight it.

You're going to peak now. They're going to peak at 55. Boy, that was good. Yeah, I think we really got it by the end of that. I think you got it. That's really, I mean, it's impressive. I'm blushing over here. It is. You would have had to pay a lot more fucking money for that.

than you did for what he just told you. All we ask is that you watch Lewis' special on YouTube, folks, and maybe subscribe to the Patreon of Savvy's World if you're feeling generous. All right, hit us with one big LD.

This is never good.

Um, he doesn't want to fuck me. He doesn't want to talk to me, but I guess we're supposed to get married and have kids, but he refuses to talk to me about anything. We're in relationship counseling while in counseling, he acts like he's open to things. And then once it ends, it's just all out the window and completely meaningless. I'm not really sure what to do. I guess.

I don't know. Six years. Is he interested in me or not? Should I just leave? I don't know, Stobby. What do I do? Blonde hair. Medium tits. Nice. Not huge like you like, but, you know, medium. I'm open to all titties. Wow. Anyways, thanks for listening to my call. What do I do when my boyfriend doesn't want to be around me? Thank you, guys. You just answered your own fucking question. Okay.

Wow. I know. This one's like, come on. Respect yourself, baby girl. He doesn't want to fuck you or talk to you, but you're going to get married to this fucking guy? Six years. And look, that's the tough thing. But it's sunk cost, right? It's like, that shit's over. Everyone thinks like, well, it's been six years. I don't want to waste those. Those six years are gone, whether you're single now or you're in a loveless marriage. You're not getting those six years back. It's about the next...

10, whatever, rest of your life. And before we finish giving this woman advice, I want to go on the record here. Yes, of course, I love huge titties, right? I want to go on the record. Is there something more occurring here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go about it.

It's important I set the record straight. Of course I love huge titties, but if you're a titty connoisseur, you appreciate titties of all shapes and sizes. So if you've been thinking about sending me pictures of your breasts and you're not doing it because your titties aren't big enough, you couldn't be more wrong. And I just want, and that's not to our color, this is just a general statement I'd like out there in the universe. I appreciate all titties. I'm just a big fan of tits. What can I say?

Now, thank you, Eldest. Let that ride a little longer.

I'm a hero, and I'll look at and put your titties in my mouth. Pretty positive. You've got a pretty good rate of success. Some of my finest relationships have started with a completely unasked-for pictures of breasts in my inbox. Just something to keep in mind. Now, back to our friend here. And I don't know if you want to go on record on yours. Dance on tits? They're all perfect. They're all good. They're all personal. You got to hear. They're just one.

There isn't one woman who doesn't have a perfect breast. That's it. You heard it here first, folks. They're like pistachios. That's right. I will tell you that that is really, this is really kind of true. I mean, it was the major discovery of my life was that it's easier to,

People would rather be... The last thing people want to be is single. Yeah. They'd rather... They want a good relationship. If they don't have a good relationship, they want a bad relationship. Right. And finally, they want to be single. Okay? And so the reason you don't want to leave the relationship is because it's comfortable with the fact that...

oh, I don't have to... You know, I've got all this stuff going. What am I going to do? How am I going to fill my time if I have to think about the fact that he's not fucking me and talking to me? Right, right. What else am I going to do? Right. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It gives you something to fixate on, even if it's bad. Yeah. And being single is...

is way better than being in a bad relationship. And I'm just going to tell you, here's a tip. You're in a fucking awful relationship. Yeah.

Truly. I mean, her tone alone. I've never heard anyone so depressed. This is one of the most depressed voicemails we've ever gotten. And we've had a lot of people about to kill themselves going to this podcast. I mean, I think you're just in a tough space. You're in a horrible relationship. Not wanting to fuck and not wanting to talk, it's got to be one or the other. Sometimes a bad relationship is like,

oh, we've grown, we've completely lost the spark, but we're best friends. And that's a weird thing that you have to manage. Or it's, you know, we hate each other, but boy, oh boy, does he knock my pussy out of the park. Right? But you got neither. You're batting 0 for 2. This guy fucking sucks. You don't want to be, and he might be, here's the other thing, he might just be a coward who doesn't want to be in this relationship either. Right? Like how many people, like I know I have plenty of friends, and I've been this guy in the past,

where I don't want to just be the one breaking up, so I'll just fucking be the shitty boyfriend or whatever. And that's a mark of young male cowardice, where instead of saying my feelings, it's like, why don't I act like a dickhead and hopefully she'll do the hard emotional work? And that might be a little bit of what's going on here. It's also strange that he will...

be performative in relationship counseling. Yeah, that's weird. That to me is like a bit of a weird people pleaser, like teacher's pet nerd kind of fucking vibe where he wants another person to think he's a good boyfriend but doesn't give a fuck how you actually feel. Red flags all around. Go get those medium blonde titties sucked by somebody who's happy to have them and who will have a nice conversation with you. Don't worry about those six years. If you can't...

Think about how you feel right now. Is this what you want the rest of... And by the way, it's not going to be as good as this. It's going to get worse over time. Do you want this or slightly worse for the rest of your life? I don't think so. So I think you know exactly what the fuck to do here. Yeah, and I also think there is nothing in there. If you had said at the end, by the way, my boyfriend makes...

$10 million. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. It was one plus. Right, right, right, right. If you're calling in from Aruba, from his beachfront property, fine. Then we'll have a conversation about what you're willing to sacrifice and what you're not. But my guess is you guys live in a fucking two-bedroom Max, and he's got a lot of Funko Pops decorating that extra bedroom. Yeah.

Do you guys think it's worth at least addressing it in their counseling one more time? Because it sounds like he does kind of just go with the flow, blow with the wind, like in a cowardly way. And I've never done relationship counseling, but even in therapy, sometimes you just go with the rhythms of what you feel like you're supposed to say or how you're supposed to process your experience. And maybe he's doing some of that. So I would say to her, too, like,

It's also worth, well, hey, does she want to be in the relationship and

Whether she does or not, like, just in the session, be like, you know, don't give him a chance to be it now. Just be, like, very direct with him and the therapist and be like, I want to end this relationship. Do you care about, like, trying to fix this? And don't try to do the little, like, tap dance of, like, oh, therapy. Let's, like, work through this. Just be, like, straight up, like, you know, this isn't worth it if you don't care. But, you know, at least give it a go like that in, like, a session. Yeah.

I suppose, right? I see what you're saying. And I guess it depends. Like, has this... Did something change...

It's like, or is this what it's been like for five years? This is over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tend to agree with Lewis. This is dog shit. This is really over, but very nice optimism on your end. I think this is a wipe. I also think if you've said to the, if you've at any point said what you just said to us, to the counselor, and nothing turned around and then fuck it. Right.

Right. Yeah. Then it's an absolute fuck it. Yeah, and at a certain point, you just kind of know. I know you're saying all this, and it's interesting because having not enough backstory is both... I think at the end of the day, you know everything you need to from certain situations. It's like, we know these couples. We've seen these couples. And these couples, it's never going to fucking work. Yeah. So...

Yeah, you gotta get it. I mean, I've known couples that, like I said, they do fuck and they hate each other, they don't fuck and they like each other, and both of those are doomed. You're completely doomed. Get the fuck out of here. You know? There's no... Yeah, literally unless he was...

And he might legitimately, that actually might be the only thing is that he comes from generational wealth because that makes a lot of sense. Because that's what love is for these people. No fucking, no actual affection. It's just like, well, I have a hot woman who is my companion and people judge me better for it.

And they actually want to fuck their moms. They actually want to like literally physically fuck their moms who are getting bow ties, you know what I mean? Who are like getting a teenager's skin grafted onto their face. Yeah, really? Wow, this is... The other thing is just how she... I just... This is kind of like beyond... I can't imagine how she's...

There's been no suspicion of an affair. Right, right, right. That he's around all the time. Interesting, interesting. Then you are dealing with, I don't even know what that, unless, maybe you're living with a cadaver. Yeah, I know. I can't quite get a sense of this fucking guy. There's something very off about him.

But yeah, if this is what he's settled into, get out of there. Fuck Eldis. He's a fucking dunce. Eldis, the only one in a good relationship of us in this room. I wonder if that's anything for us to interrogate. All right, baby boy, hit us with another. How long have we been going? I don't want to keep Louis forever. We're at 123 right now. Okay, we'll do a couple more. Get out of here. How's that sound, my friend? That's perfect. I love it. I get to go do...

SpongeBob. Ooh, I'm jealous. Oh, yeah. I'm the voice of Santa. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. And oddly enough, one of the few things that the SAG strike is not. Oh, really? They are literally in a different contract than they have been for years. Oh, great. It's crazy. Voice over work. There you go. All right. But that, it's weird. That animation, or at least

whatever their deal is. You know, there's some television animation that's not involved. Yeah, there is certain things. I mean, even the, like, I have a special, well, I won't say, but I have a special coming out. I can't announce it yet, but that's a different...

It's not SAG, technically. You know, it's under a different thing. So there's certain... Stand-up is one of the few things that gets kind of bailed out. So we're kind of lucky we get to work. Well, we didn't unionize. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because everyone is such a piece of shit that's out for themselves. Yeah, really. This actually is the one time it helps us. Yeah, really. Yeah.

But yeah, so you're just warming up for Santa. All right, I got you. So imagine this next caller sitting on your lap asking you this question. Yo, Stavi, this one's going to be more concise. Fuck Elvis. Go Ravens, baby. I can say it. You can't say it. I have a friend, a good friend, hometown friend that I've known for most of my life.

Um, and our group of friends, you know, we all have girlfriends, people are starting to get married. So the thing is he just proposed to his longtime girlfriend and she's fucking, and like, she's crazy. And what she does, her thing is she, you know, goes out and does, you know, girls trips or whatever, you know, whatever she does and not to show that like all the time, but like whenever she does, she gets drunk, like without him, she does like,

crazy shit like fucking make out with random dudes and slash people and shit of that nature and He just proposed for two weeks ago and what I'm trying to do is I'm trying I need help like trying to convince the rest of my like the rest of my friends to kind of like Do like an intervention with me? But the thing is like they like they've been together so long and

They're like they're kind of the mindset or they're a little bit of the mindset of like they don't know if they want to do it because like they don't know how he hasn't he doesn't know already and the biggest obstacle is we don't have like solid undeniable evidence. We have like a couple first-hand accounts. Jesus Christ. This is like insane. This is like you know there's been stories of this for like you know the last you know 10, 9, 8 years. 10 years? I'm just trying to ask for advice on like

How do I organize this intervention to, for, you know, to fucking tell my, my, one of my best friends or his girlfriend, like a piece of shit with him. So he actually believes me.

Because I can't just do this on myself. I don't have enough firsthand evidence. I don't have enough hard evidence. I need help from them and their girlfriends and fiances that have actually firsthand witnessed this. Oh, they've witnessed it. But yeah, brother fucking go Ravens. Go Ravens, that's right, bro. Finally we can agree on something. This is fucking brutal. This guy's fucked.

I mean, look, there's a couple, we get some variation of this question quite often. It happens where, and I'm sure you've gone through this, Lewis, where it's like, a friend of yours just ends up with someone you don't like that much. Yeah, usually the first marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But here's the thing. You can't do shit about it. You just kind of... I mean, it's their fucking decision. There's nothing you can fucking do that will change this person's mind. You are there to support them through whatever.

You know, and here's what, like, if you really wanted to get crazy, you could hire a private investigator, I suppose, like a jilted wife in a fucking noir movie. You could go into somebody's office and be like, I think my, hey, see, my best friend's dame is sucking off a couple dudes. A couple fellas down by the, she's jerking the soda jerk. You could try that, but...

Yeah, he's fucked. And here's the other thing. Here's something interesting. What if he is a true cuckold?

What if this guy is getting off with his girlfriend? What if he's what they're calling now hot wifing, which is just you're getting cucked, but they have a cute name for it. Whereas like your wife goes out, your wife goes out and gets fucked. You're not even watching. You just hear about it. Some guys, you know, they get off on that certain thing. That's the thing. Hot wifing, which is just getting cuckolded. And I'm missing out. Yeah. There's a whole world going on. Yeah.

And you might not get down like that, but who knows, man? Maybe your friend is like, maybe this girl is like, I really don't want to suck cock, but my boyfriend loves it when I blow guys on girls' trips. There's a whole, even your best friends, you don't know what shit makes them tick. Now, am I going to bet money on that being the case? No, probably not. But you want to have a fucking intervention and be like, your girlfriend sucks? What do you think happens after that?

How do you really think that turns out? It's not, I mean, 10% chance he's like, wow, you guys are so right. 90% chance he's like, fuck all you guys. I love my girlfriend. I've never, you know, I'll, you guys, and now you're not invited to the wedding or whatever. But it's, you know, it's just going to happen. You're fucked. Your friend's probably fucked. Yeah, I mean, and if it's the first relationship, it's really, I mean, if this is the first committed relationship, it's tough then. I mean, because I was in a,

I was in a psychotic one. Yeah. And my friends didn't tell me. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, you fucking assholes. Yeah, yeah. You never got anyone to make an attempt? No. Never? Wow. And they should have. Well, I've made the attempt and it's blown up in my face. Well, it will early on, but this was like, I mean, you know, they've already watched me go through a number of relationships. Right, right, right, right. So this was, you know, at this point, I have more time with them. I'm not going to fuck, you know. Of course.

And it was a shitty relationship. Where the problem is, if he doesn't think it's shitty, then you're fucked. If there's any inkling you get a sense from him, this is weird, then you can step in and you don't do an intervention. That's what you do when someone is eating too much pop. Don't get any ideas, Elders. I don't want to fuck an intervention. All right?

Now, do you think there was anything one of your friends could have done, though, while you were in the midst of that weird, fucked-up relationship to get you out? Or do you think you were just too in? No, just... They needed to just say, you need to get the fuck out of this. But, yes, say that and then still support you in any way you want. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't... Because it wouldn't bother me because I had already said things to them about, you know, why she was a pain in the ass. Right, right, right. And it was...

you know, obvious that I thought at times she was a pain in the ass. So, and it wasn't, you know, and it, because it affected, because we're in theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was an actress. Oh, you don't say. An actress was kind of a pain in the ass. Yeah. Well, I bet there's, one out of 50 is not. Yeah.

I always found them... The great thing about actresses, though, is like, gee, you know, if you don't like this personality, another one's coming along. Give them the cold shoulder until they come up with a new type of girl to be. Yeah. Yeah, so, yeah, buddy. Sorry, man. I mean, you don't want to have an intervention. That's fucking crazy. And if... I mean, if you really... Like, do you think...

You've never brought this up? That's kind of also what's crazy. This is kind of like if I had any inkling that my friend was getting cheated on, I'd be like, yo, did you hear what the fuck happened? And then you got to bring it up to them. I mean, what the fuck? And by the way, you're not going, you know, this isn't a trial. Circumstantial evidence, if you trust the people who say it, you don't need a picture of her with a cock in her mouth.

You can say, if somebody's girlfriend was on a girls trip, saw her flash her tits at a guy, make out with him at a bar, they disappear for seven minutes, come back and her hair's all fucked up. You can do the math about what happened in between. So...

If you haven't said anything, that's another fucked up thing where it's like, it's kind of like the child support guy. You're a little complicit of how long this has gone on. You've never said shit about her. Now, if you have and he's blown you off, you already have your answer, buddy. All you can do now is be a good friend. Be there when he gets devastatingly cheated on with a child.

Offer him a place. Get a place with a guest bedroom. Because in 12 years, he will have to stay there. And hopefully, if he has more money, make sure he signs a prenup. And there's nothing else you can do. That's literally all I can tell you. You just got to be along for the ride. After a certain point, your friend's fucked. I kind of think he can and should say something. Because usually when we get a question like this, it's just like...

You can just tell, like, the girl they're talking about is a dumb bitch, but it's not like... You know, she's actually cheating, making out, whatever. That's what people are seeing, but that's a little different from just being like... It's different from I don't get along with her. Yeah, from just being like... Which is mostly what people say. You're right. Annoying, controlling, whatever it is. So I don't think he needs to make it like...

an intervention and have this guy walk into a room of like 17 of their friends to be like, we saw your girl make out at a bar. A PowerPoint. Times Vanessa was a cunt. And he's just like got a bunch of slides. You know, you don't need that. I think he could try to like maybe talk to some of these girlfriends or fiances or whatever and be like, look, I'm going to talk to him about this. Will you back me up? I'm getting this information from you. Will you tell him like you saw this if,

He asked or something. Okay. But you don't even like need like a firsthand report or something. Be like, Hey, I heard from blah, blah, blah. Your girl's like been making out with people getting blacked out, fucked up. Yeah. So I think, I think he does have some, some space here to, it's, it's not as cut and dry as like, you just got to let your friend find their, like find out on for their own. That's a good point.

And I will say, though, with the caveat of, if this is still going on, if there was... If he's replying... If this guy's whole thing is there was an incident...

three or four years ago, and maybe she did cheat, and guess what? That happens and people get over it, right? If you're basing all this on one girl's trip where she kind of acted crazy and she maybe even have cheated and you don't know what else was going on in their relationship at the time, then you kind of have to eat it. But if this is an ongoing pattern of behavior...

Then I agree with you. You at least you at least owe it to your friend to go on the record and be like, I don't think this is a good idea. I will support you in any way you need. I'm just letting you know this is what, you know, whoever has seen. And I don't feel comfortable letting you just being fully enthusiastic. Now, if you're telling me it's all figured out.

whatever, I'm here, I'm your boy, I'll do whatever you want. But if it's one thing, you kind of have to let it go. But I think you're right. If it's like an ongoing pattern of cheating every fucking weekend, yes, you're probably right, Elders. And next time you write this...

email in or wherever you talk. I'm looking at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not psychotic. It's a transcribed voicemail. Yeah, yeah. I'm not psychotic. Then I would say that...

say that she was making out with the girls. Then he'll get married on the spot. It would have been a better story, an easier story. It would have been a lot less tough for us. We'd go, wow, what's the problem? We wouldn't feel sad. We'd feel happy for your friend. And we'd call you a fucking loser. Take us home with one final question, Big LD. I'm Eldon.

Recently, my girlfriend has been talking about us going on vacation and she wants to plan a destination. I never listened to the podcast with her. I'm her. She doesn't know who either of you all are. She has her heart dead set on. You guessed it.

Albanian. Get the fuck out of here. Pause this. Let's give Louis some context. Eldest is an Albanian. I'm Greek. We've been friends our whole lives. And there is, I don't know if you know the geopolitical context here, but Albanians are sort of second to third class citizens in Greece. There's a fair amount of ironic racism there.

That kind of really holds our relationship together since we were kids. We love trashing Albania on this podcast. And Eldis, of course, when I tell him, take us home, of course he has to end the podcast with a voicemail glorifying his piece of shit home country. Go ahead, Eldis, finish the call. I said, you know Albania is like poor, right? Like I'm not super sure there's a lot. She has no background info on it whatsoever.

Yeah, I got an idea. Go look at the biggest pile of goat shit in southeastern Europe.

Wow. It's actually, it also doubles as the capital. That's where the president of Albania holds his meetings. They've hollowed out the world's largest pile of goat shit, and they have Albanian parliament in there. Wow.

Yeah, here's a fun thing you can do. Go get well water in the morning before it runs out by noon at the villagers' thing because they don't have fucking running water in half the country. That's a fun little activity you can do.

Elders? I would say, first of all, forget all the propaganda you've heard about Albania. He says, very poor. We're not the richest country. There's a beautiful country. It's got mountains set right next to the fucking Adriatic. Shut the fuck up. Look,

Albania will be a really cheap vacation. That's true. And if you drive along the coast... Yeah, if you have dinner at 7-Eleven, you're probably going to save a couple bucks. You're right. Wow. Wow.

By the way, thanks, Elvis. I'm like, take us home. We have a fucking comedy legend on. What's the last question? Something about fucking Albania, a country he doesn't even give a fuck about whatsoever. Let yourself talk and end the episode, you fucking piece of shit. Great producing. Yeah, no, it's perfect. Let's tee up Lewis. Oh, what do we got? A question about fucking Albania. Goddamn. Well, I was going to go there till now. This is a heartbreaker.

But this is the first fucking question. The only thing in his defense is it's the first fucking question. It's just direct. Yes or no? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was supposed to. I got this thing in my back. Could you look at it? I have two friends. They think it's a mole. I've got another friend. I've got a guy who thinks he's a doctor. And then you've got these answers. That's amazing. What's the capital of Albania? Tirana.

No, it's not. Yeah. No, you're both lying. Tirana, right? Is it really? Yeah. Yeah. I thought that was a different, wow.

What's the other big city? Is that the only one? Dures is like a big beach town, but it's kind of like a shitty, dirty beach. Yeah, of course. That's the second city you come up with, by the way. We asked him what the second biggest city in Albania is. Oh, you know, the shitty, dirty beach town. That's number two after our capital. There are nice beaches. They're just a lot smaller. And you've got to drive several hours through the mountains to get there.

Yeah, don't take your fucking girlfriend to Greece. You know what, man? Whatever. Well, it's been burning. Yeah, it's true. Every year, though, it burns. Go September, October, it's cooled down a little bit. Not as many tourists, but the beaches are very nice. I mean, the major thing with Albania is that it's...

It is cheap. It's a cheap vacation. You'll be able to do that vacation and then go to Greece. Yeah, that's true. And also, you know, we're not a travel agency. Right, that's true. Okay, I know these guys have an argument about this. I've been brought on this show for my lucidity.

We don't do travel. This is something you should do on your own. You think I've got pamphlets here? You think this is just because this is back here. It's quite nice. This doesn't mean, ooh, do you want to travel here? No, it's on a wall. So I would say, look it up.

They actually have been pushing it, to be honest. They've been pushing Albania. And I don't know if it's the coastline. I mean, I certainly didn't remember the capital, but I'd been reading stuff as like, go to Albania. And I was like, yeah, well, I know.

I'm not sure. But look at the fuck up. These guys have tough shit to do on a daily basis. That's true. And they never thought, oh, good. If they wanted to be in travel, do you know how good they'd be at it? It would be the best. That's our backup. That's what we do half the time. Podcast and travel agency. Yeah. If you want to know about places in the United States, we're willing to talk about it. Albania is a guest.

You're going this. Eldest is going in a couple weeks, actually. Yeah. Basically, the short story for this guy is flying to Tirana, drive down. The only place you possibly could fly in, by the way. Spend a night there. There is no other airport, but go ahead. There might be another airport, but...

Basically, fly in there, get a rental car, drive down as close to the coast as you can, hit some small beach towns like Imar, there me, go around. Then on your way, on your drive back to Tirana, you can go to Girocaster, but at some little provincial towns or whatever with old castles and shit. And, you know, like Lewis said, use that as a guide and just look this shit up.

Yeah. On some travel blogs. There is a ton of shit on Albania right now. Yeah. I'm seeing it on Instagram all the time. It is, yeah. No, there's something on the coast that's supposed to be really, you know, it's like cheap Dubrovnik. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And remember, after the cities he just gave you, try to spell those out. Just take your girl to Greece, tell her it's Albania. Everyone will have a better time. Yeah.

All right. Well, really great. Again, Aldis, absolute great job teeing up Lewis for a big finale about the country you were born in, you fucking idiot and piece of shit. But thank you very much, Lewis, for coming on the pod. It was great. It was a lot of fun. Come back anytime, anytime you want. We're here for you. Yeah, let me know if you're around. Absolutely.

Absolutely. And they're bored. This was just great. And especially dealing with this, because I just read what people are complaining about and comment on it. This is spectacular. Yeah, no, come back. We'll do even more questions. Yeah, no, because this makes me feel better about my own life. Yeah. Absolutely. I get it. This is good. Go watch the special. Go listen to the podcast, Tragically, I Need You, right now, free on YouTube. And he's on tour. Go see Lewis. Yeah. And come see me. I'll be...

The last leg of the Fat Rascal Tour kicks off in Ohio this October. Then I'm in Baltimore. I'm in Philly, Florida, St. Louis, Milwaukee, Kansas City. We're all over the place. And he does a great job. I got to see him finally in the... Thank you. Those were great shows. Those were incredible. Those were really fun. That was insane being in front of all those people, huh? Yeah, it was nuts. I mean, these arena shows are crazy. Well, yeah. You start to feel like, oh, Jesus, maybe I'm Hitler. Yeah.

No, no, I would, when I'm doing, I mean, in this, I'm starting to get to play theaters, which is incredible, but you're like, oh, I understand why certain comedians think they're the smartest guy in the world.

I understand why you think you are literally a dictator. Because you have, if you have 10,000 people fucking cheering your name, it's like, yeah, I'm smart as fuck. These people should be listening to me. But that's good. You know, come see us. Come see us do our political, start our own little dictatorships on the road, me and Lewis. And we appreciate it. And we'll talk to you next time, guys. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.