#37 - Evan Williams & JP McDade
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. Wow, what a couch. Look over here. If you're just listening, you're doing yourselves a disservice. Eldis with the sharp cutoff again. When are you going to learn to fade? Fuck you, idiot. That wasn't fade. From the top. From the top, Eldis. And you made me curse. We're trying not to get demonetized, Eldis. What the heck, Eldis? What the freaking heck? What the darn heck are you doing over there? Dude.

You're being such a blockhead, man. I hate to say it, but you're goofing around. We got the pink penis armada right on the couch. Two of the most pinkest dicks of all time. Neither of you have seen my dick, but you do know how pink it is. Yeah, there's shades of pink. It's freaking Barbie movie. It has the color palette of the whole Barbie movie. Yeah.

It's brought to you by Mattel. It is 10 inches long and very hard. No, it's small. I just entered it into the record. It's 10. Yours or Evan's? Both of ours. Together. That's fair. That's 10 inches of pink cock between the two of you. I could probably...

Confirm that. And when one of us is soft, the other is hard, so it's always 10 inches? No, no, no. Both fully hard. And you're so tall. It's so crazy. You know JP has a nice piece, dude. It's pretty nice. You know it's thick. To have like a nice sub-average on a 6'7 body would be hilarious. Yeah, it looks weird on you. It looks weird. Eldest has a...

Nelda has the same penis as me, but he's 6'6". Yeah, I'm not working with a lot.

I mean, it's okay. You know, it's not bad. It's gotten our boy truly an insane amount of activity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like an unhealthy amount, you know. So that's good, man. Quiet down, Evan. We'll get to how prudish you are, motherfucker. Okay? Did you use your leak, too? Growing up, when we would ride scooters at night, we'd just take our dicks out so the cars could see us. Yeah, yeah.

It's for flesh. They're bright. They're definitely bright. We've got two of my favorite. JP, just Patreon McDade has escaped the Patreon. He's escaped the Patreon. Oh, I'm getting called up? You're getting called up to the big leagues. He didn't let you do it alone. No, it's not about that.

He's got to give me a chaperone before he introduces me to the public. Like a chaser, you know? Yeah, that's true. Just like your dicks together make one cool dick, together you're one adequate podcast guest, the two of you. That's fair, dude.

Keep it civil over there. Now you're pushing it. Keep in mind, I'm going to start talking shit about Liquid Death. We'll take your sponsors so fast. Mute these Irish cocksuckers, Mike. Watch me turn, man. Oh, the teacher taught him. Go fuck your Liquid Death. Go fuck yourself. Disgrace in our families.

They don't like fucking games, does it? Do not listen to these men. They do not represent the views of Stavi's world and Stavi Baby Enterprises LLC. We'll rise up against this Hellenic piece of shit. We have the same BMI on each of these seats.

Yeah, but I have less penis. I'll fight you. Eldest cut, we got it. We're setting you up just to say that. Are you wearing a wire on a podcast I'm recording? Are you guys wearing a wire? I did all those dates with you on the road just to establish trust, set you up.

And to get me to admit that I have less penis than the two of you combined. I was in a Serpico type situation. I didn't know which way was up. I know. They got you, dude. I went to the bathroom. I started like, take a minute. Put it in the toilet. Flush it, flush it. He might call me gay. By the way, Evan, thank you for addressing like a Latino T-Mobile employee on date night.

We got a plan for you. You come in here and look at how your lady can get a band-aid plan. You look like a Dominican taking out his side bitch for margaritas. I have a feeling before the end of this podcast I'm going to buy a Mazda CX-30 off of this guy.

I take a side bitch to a basketball game when we're on the jumbo show. I just came from an event. I know, dude. It was a magician's convention. Yeah.

He came straight here. He was trying to be the gay assistant. He came straight from the cloud of smoke all the way to Astoria. Yes. We're thrilled to have Evan Williams, the little guy, also here. He's the little guy.

It's the little guy. I love that we dress like absolute schlups and we just rip on Evan. I'm in my fucking house. That's the beauty of this fucking podcast. I get to dress however the fuck I want. I always get to dress like shit.

But it's beautiful having the little guy here. You know, you've absconded to Los Angeles. I have, I have. You know, we all basically, we were back in the day, and look, folks, we don't talk about comedy that much. Just relax. But these were some boys we were hitting the New York mics with. The Creek. I met you outside of the Creek. Yeah. Little bald, toothless...

Stop it, man. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, dude, the fucking eight years ago. Fresh out of D.C., yeah. Yeah, just up here and now look at us. You know, I'm fatter than ever, but Rich, you're divorced. JP's back to working his day job. She's going bad for us in all different ways. I just kind of kept it steady bad. Yeah, yeah.

I'm divorced dressed like you're a divorced lawyer. That sucks, man. Yeah, shit's going bad. Yeah, you were in a beautiful relationship when I met you, and now you're just... It was so nice. It was too nice. I just got suspicious, man.

That's all, dude. We were all doing roast battle when we still had hope for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Still doing it, dawgs. Still doing it. Still doing it. Still doing it. Still doing it, man. One day. Yeah, it's coming back, dude. Any day now. All you need is the approval of the Roastmaster General himself. One day people will appreciate my joke right now.

All it took me to stop was bombing it on television. Just for Snoop Dogg to be like, I don't know what the fuck you just said. I was like, I'm good. Damn, dog. I say yes to everything. And I wish I said no to this, dog.

Hey, cuz. Anna Valenzuela. Nice lady. I don't know her. Yeah. Good joke, right? I didn't know her either. That was a problem. Is she from New York? LA. LA, okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was the funniest part of roast battle back then, of roast battle culture. It started, and there were some great battles, and you and fucking Scott. Scotty Chapp. Had that hilarious moment where you had a whole song. I had a song. I wasn't going to do it. At overtime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fucking awesome. I was horrified to sing Bomb.

Go look that up, folks. I was there. He's got a song, Justin Case. I was there, too. It was at the old stand. Holy shit, you were there? I was there. I watched that. I was watching from the wings. And you had this whole... It was a great roast battle. But at first, it was fun because it was like friends...

And then it was like, and then it was good. Cause we know the things that we can say. Exactly. It's not too far. And we know afterwards, we're just going to go to a diner. Exactly. And everyone's going to laugh. We know, you know, everyone knows each other. You can say fucked up. I did one with Ian. You know what I mean? It was fucking awesome. Yeah. And, uh,

And I think I lost because I was too mean to Ian. I talked about, you know, getting a train ran off. I had a kind of... Too mean to Ian. Yeah. In fact, I'm not going to say, actually. I actually feel bad about one of the... I still, to this day, feel bad about... I didn't... See, I just met Ian. Didn't know how, like...

I knew how frenetic, because his energy can be really to the top. I didn't know how fragile the energy was. I didn't know how unstable the energy source was. You know what I mean? It's like, I didn't know that it could be turned within and then he could just like... Right, yeah, we just saw the character at that point, you know? But it was so funny because you would start and it was like, oh, we'll say some fucked up things about our friends. And then it was just like they were randomly pairing up people and you would just message someone and be like, yeah, so, um...

My mother was murdered. I got raped as a child. So this is some fun stuff you can work with. You know, it was just like, yeah, I can't come. Yeah. And like, and then like you get there and, and, and you do the battle and, but I've done it. So I'll judge it now. Yeah. And guys will be like, so, you know, Jeff here, like can't come, you know, and that's this whole thing. And he says a joke, he makes the whole audience laugh. And I just love the idea. Like they sat down at a coffee shop and discussed,

set. Yeah. Like little notepads out. You know, when my wife left me because when Google Docs were created. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone has a note. Everyone knows who got molested in New York comedy. If you got molested, there was no way you weren't getting a molested joke. Everyone knows whose parents died tragically. Yeah. Whose dad beat them. And it was just for what? And

For what? For an unpaid spot. An unpaid spot. That would be used to create content. That's all I wanted, man. To create content that would prevent you from getting a job later. Yeah. Which did happen to people. Which did happen to people several times. We had so many friends that were denied opportunities because they made it. It was going to be like $30,000. Yeah. And they shot the whole thing.

And then they were like, oh, we're just going to do a quick social media check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were like, you're a fucking... And I'm like, all right. That's done. We're not going to pay you either. At least Rich Voss still doesn't know who I am.

What a time. What a beautiful time in comedy. Beautiful, dude. Just a couple of young bucks. Yeah. But now we got Evan back in the mix, man. It's nice to get you on New York soil. Dude, of course. What's going on, brother? How's it going? It's good, you know? Yeah? Yeah. You're out there in L.A.? You're Mr. Hollywood now? You know, you could say that. Yeah.

Yeah, by that I mean I'm at the sex parties. Are you? Have you been to one? I heard about some crazy ones. Yeah? Yeah. That's awesome. I probably can't name names on this.

The kind of people that are there watching and the people that are there partaking. It's insane. Yeah. So you know someone who got fucked and like, you know, Bruno Mars watched them get fucked? I know someone that went in, like turned in their phone and like a very famous like female rapper was laying on a bed and a little guy who looked like Danny DeVito was eating her out while around her on the bed was a like line of gay men like human centipeding fucking each other.

And like, if I said the name, it would blow your mind. I'll say it after, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some are just like, hold on. How do I get to be that guy? Hey! Dude, are you kidding me? I know, yeah. That's what I was born for. You're casting that type. I'll let you know the rapper. You can DM her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be like, what's up? I look a lot younger. You know what I'm saying? I'm fatter. Does that do something for you? Yeah, I think it might. Yeah.

I think it might. You know what? That would be nice because, okay, the thing about sex parties for me is I don't need to be performing even in my personal life. You know, I'm on stage constantly. I can't bust a nut in private. Yeah. And I worry my cock wouldn't work under those...

you know, pressure or circumstance. Then you'd just be a guy hanging out. I would just be a guy with a soft dick. Even worse. You can't go from failing in the middle to like standing up like... Yeah, you can't play that off. You can't mash your soft cock. You gotta go home. You're like, one sec, and just you're beating off and everyone's like...

I want pussy next. I'm going to grab a hard seltzer. Anyone need anything? Yeah. Just knocking my dick against the thing, trying to see if a gay guy could get it hard. Like, I'm getting desperate. I'm not doing anything. I'm like, come on, guys. Something. Maybe if I change masks. Yeah. Yeah.

I cum soft in the gay guy's mouth. It does turn me on, but it doesn't get my dick hard. It's the worst of both worlds. Emotionally, it works for you, though. Not quite physically, but emotionally, it meant something, you know? It's just a monkey's paw wish that came true. I'll do anything to get hard right now. Oh, fuck. Oh, no!

I'm a different person now. But, but I will say this. I think I could get observed eating pussy. Right. I think I could do that. That's all it's asked of that little guy. You know? That's all it's asked of that little guy. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like a bullpen guy. That's like a lefty specialist who comes in for like one specific task. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The other guys handle the coitus. Yeah. They handle the penetrative intercourse. Definitely, definitely. I'm here to get the party started. That's right. You know what I mean? I'm the DJ. I'm the DJ before the game starts. Yeah. I start the pep rally. I'm not doing the cartwheels. Yeah. I'm playing like... People are still talking there in your set. Yo!

I'm ready for this. That's me, dude. People are still getting their seats when Stobby's eating rapper pussy, man. Someone does a real cool sex thing and you drop a flex bomb. Run that the fuck back. He puts his balls back in her ass. Run that the fuck back. New York City. That would be awesome.

But you've never. You're too much of a gentle guy to be at a sex party, Evan. I'm a freak of nature, you know. Are you? Yeah, I just tie it down, you know. I usually tie it down with somebody. JP, you wouldn't be a sex party guy. No, probably not. Yeah. No. Eldest? Yeah, you would. A shy boy? That was not. No? I don't think so. I'm not going to be at the sex party with a golf tan. Yeah. Yeah.

It's going to be upsetting for everybody. I don't have the right jewelry. Right. You know, you got to have some pewter rings or something if you're a sex party guy. That's true. It's a different kind of swag. It is interesting because I think if my hair keeps getting longer, it will morph from diner owner to sex party guy. Yeah, you start calling yourself Phoenix. I'm pretty close.

I'm close. If I straighten it and gel it down and put it all the way... It's wet, it's pretty long. Your current phase is 1970s band manager, but then anything beyond that, you're going to be sex party at

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perhaps host. I think host is what I'm going for. Yeah, I think host. I could be the host. In an open velvet robe. No, no, no. No tux. Yeah, yeah. JP's right. It would be a robe. I'd be wearing, you know, tights. You're so right. I'd be wearing a briefs. You know, actually, I like host because I get everything going and then I pull somebody into a private area to get my dick sucked. Yeah. I'm working. I'm not fucking on the floor. Yeah.

Okay? I fuck up on my break. I bring someone in and get my dick sucked. There's the factory floor and there's the manager's office. Yeah. Exactamundo, my friend.

You just pop in to keep up morale on the floor every now and then. You walk around like you're a Greek restaurant owner. How are you guys enjoying the cock? Bravo. Beautiful. You guys are coming? Very good. Everybody busting nut. Everybody maybe I get you more condoms. I'm kidding. No condoms here. Lamb skin condoms only. Hey, my friend. Gay room inside.

Buddy, no gay shit here. This is the big room. This is the man straight, hot, big pussy room. No gay shit here. Go back in the velvet room for the gay shit. That would be awesome, dude. Fucking take a newspaper, hit a gay guy on the nose like he's a dog. Stop eating his ass, man. Stop with your tongue in his ass. What are we doing, man? I can't. I'm sorry, I'm talking in Greek.

To my son. To my 11-year-old son who's working a shift at the sex party like it's the diner.

You have a towel over your shoulder for cum. Wash the cock rings, Dimitri. Dimitri, go get the cock rings and wash them. Make nice for the people. Craig Robinson here tonight. Even you nice me in front of Craig Robinson. Craig Robinson was going to bust and he see you come out from the behind. You not to be, you put the black suit on, no one see you. Everyone's wearing like green man. Like I make my son wear like the green man, but it's full black. So he like...

He just goes against the background. How many times I tell you... You get Mr. Zumeckis his butt plug right now. And George Lucas, how many times I tell you, get the Filipino boys for him. Ha ha ha!

Make a Filipino boy come out of the R2D2 suit and suck a George Lucas dick. For the sex party, you have a huge menu. It's like 50 pages long. What's good here, I'll be honest with you, most people get the cock or the pussy. I have lobster. I have fucking spaghetti bolognese. The fucking health inspector give us a C.

That would be fucking awesome. And if there's a rat, that's Cardi B's fetish. Of course there's rats. And he let it slip. That wasn't her. Bleep it. Bleep it. What did he say? Oh, it wasn't her. It wasn't. Okay. Well, but now we can start doing process elimination. We can slowly eliminate. Yeah. No, that would be a fun business to run.

God damn, dude. Yeah. No, I'm too nervous for all that kind of stuff. But, you know, you're over here. Nervous enough at a regular party. That's true. Yeah. Can't be bringing social anxiety. You'll do like a threesome, right? Sure. That's kind of nerve wracking, no? It's a closed environment. I've never done it. Yeah. You've never done it? No.

You're so disappointed in me. Evan, the thing you guys, this was a hard episode to do because we have so much. Usually it's like we ask a couple biographical questions. Me and Evan go, you know, and JP, just patron, he's been here, you know, he's the old steady hand of the old operation. He's the backbone. So it's like, you guys are coming in, there's a lot of lore you don't know about Evan. And just to kind of give you the cliff notes of it, it's

there's no man who has disappointed me more, maybe since my own father, than Evan, who after his divorce...

you know, this guy, look, and you know, he's being modest now, you know, he's not showing his titties off. This guy works out. You know, you were a child that did cocaine, let's start there. Right. So people don't know that about you. And we can go back to this because you've got a lot of fun stories about him. He's shredded in a way that's hard for pale guys. Yeah. It's difficult. Yeah.

Bodybuilders tan up and slather up. Not a lot of dudes can do it with the... No, no, it blends in, man. The abs blend. Yeah, you got to get them real cut up. And you kind of got to stand like directly under a light. Yeah, like a hotel bathroom type of... Yeah. So the little guy has replaced cocaine with, you know, back rows and all this kind of, you know, dumbbell rows. Yeah, definitely. But you work out...

I'm running from my addiction. I'm lifting from my... Which is great. But you're a piece of ass, right? Good looking kid. Some say that. And look, I wasn't happy when you got divorced by no means. I was pretty sad. I was sad. Listen, the first moment happens, I'm like, oh, that's a bummer. The second it's in the books though, and we're looking at reality, I'm like...

Alright, this guy's gonna get pussy for the first time in his life. He was gonna get to fuck girls with my dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how he saw it. He was like, my baby's gonna get stinky. You were his avatar. And it was gonna be a golden age on that beat. In the Sims world. If you put me in VR and I get to be an edge body...

He would have like 12 kids. The other thing is, Evan's got a, the thing I know about you is you got a quick trigger on that thing. I got a quick trigger where I can't, I can go again. Okay. I can go,

you go right again and that's something that's understood it's stated up top like it's herpes i'm like listen you need to know something about me i got a quick trigger i'm gonna bust i'm gonna listen so fast the germans and the japanese had better planes in world war ii right but the u.s could replenish their crash planes faster and that's how we won in the pacific back up

there immediately. That's why you're not speaking German right now. Officer down immediately. Back up. He's outside already because they know officer sucks. Rosie the Riveter gets that thing hard once again right away.

So, but I was pumped because I was like, oh, my boy's going to get a little, and you lived in New York at the time. Yeah. You know, like. Yeah. I was like, oh, maybe me and my boy get a little pussy together. You know, I'd love to dangle Evan out there like a bait. You know, I'd love to be the fat bitch. He would go up, like, I was like open for him. Yeah. And he would go up after him and be like, just to let you know, like, he can fuck now. Yeah. Yeah.

Anybody in the crowd is just kind of wanting to... When we were in San Diego, I was like, the jokes about being divorced are true. He does want to get pussy. Please, someone try and suck this guy off. And I would tell them how pink your dick is, too. You would let them know that I had...

Bubble gum. Highlighter pink. All that good stuff. As if that's a sell when I don't think that it is. I think it is. It might be cool. Maybe. Just a different situation. When I've seen like a candy pink titty, it kind of is cool. Suck a nice rosy penis? I said titty. Oh, man. Put some rouge on it. No one said penis but you, Elvis. Yeah.

But anyway, Evan, yeah, to just fill people in, that's kind of... I asked Evan and I gave you a... I was like, all right, you know, this has happened. I'm sad that it's over, but you also got married so young. 21. 21, right? Married for 11 years. Crazy. And so I'm like, all right, great. And then it's like you had a...

I don't know if you can even tell. It's the funniest thing you did during the pandemic. Are you worried about getting prosecuted? I know. I can think I can legally say to this point. This fucking guy. This fucking guy.

You know what I mean? Like, has whores in his DMs nonstop. Because, you know, he's also, he likes to show off how ripped he is. You know, you like that. That's for me. I know it's for you. Yeah, yeah. But an unintended consequence is the whores will flock to you. I'm going to say gay men. Gay men. Look. They're like, step on my trachea, daddy. Yeah. Well, listen, they were mining for gold. That's what I get. Fuck.

I can read them to you. I get insane ones. They're really like, they get creative too. They're like, the sun falls upon my pussy. Yeah.

And sets as your cock rises. And, like, they get, like, poetic with it. It's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's beautiful. But, look, when you're looking for gold, you sift through. You know what I'm saying? It's mostly... Not that gay men aren't gold, okay? Well, for you, they're not. For me, I am not yet correct. Yeah. For somebody else, they could sift all that stuff out. There's a gold mine in there. Yeah. Lovely man. Other guys are throwing that gold away, sticking all that dirt right up their ass. Yeah. Complete the metaphor. Yeah.

But the point is, this guy, pandemic. Were you living in L.A.? Were you living in L.A.? I was living in L.A. at that time. So, okay, he's in L.A., right? Yeah. Oh, you know, a town that's hard to find women that'll suck you off in. There's no beautiful women in L.A. Middle of the pandemic, this guy starts DMing with someone in Canada. Uh-huh.

And as the fake that they're in a relationship, he smuggles himself across the border to get pussy. He makes a fucking cross continental flight. Across two states.

Yeah. Dude, I had everything playing like it was Argo. Like, I was like, my birthday is this. Like, I knew my birthday. I don't know why. I was like, the story is this. We've been together for this long. Like, I have green eyes. And like, this is her middle name. And this is it. And then I got there. And I'm like, what are you here for? I was like, my girlfriend, Lizzie. And they're like, okay.

Yeah. And he just like waved me through. That's awesome. You go back, it's like our first day was a Mumford and Sons concert. Yeah. You didn't want to waste the preparation. Yeah. Yeah.

And then you were just stuck in Canada, right? Because you have to go through quarantine. I was there for three weeks. Did you have to sit in a hotel room? So my first date with someone was three weeks in their home in Canada. On an island. I was on a tiny little island as well. You're a piece of shit. You're a fucking idiot and a piece of shit. I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea. Oh, and you thought what should be done is go to Canada? I was a scared little boy.

I hadn't been in the dating world. I woke up at 32, single for the first time in my life. Yeah, yeah. With all these DMs. Yeah. And I answered one, and then that turned into something. And it happened to be one person in fucking Canada. In Canada. You can't help where love shows up, man. Yeah, you can. I'm kidding. It wasn't love. It wasn't love. Yeah, yeah.

And you didn't jack. Now, let me ask you this. Did you jack off at any point before buying the tickets? I should have. Because this is a man who did beat off. I would have exited right out of the tap.

I would have exited right out of the town. You had to do laundry at her house. I did, yeah. Let me ask you this. How bad did the bust after you fucked her the first time feel? How bad were you like, oh my God, I'm here for 20 more days? Did that hit you or were you still like, this is cool? I was like, I might have feelings for this person, you know? Oh my God. I didn't know. I didn't know yet. I didn't know yet, you know?

It was more so after the first argument. I was like, I can't go anywhere. There's not another room. It was a studio apartment. Not only could I not go home, I couldn't go into another room. And why were you stuck there for three weeks? Dude, I booked it for four weeks. I booked it for four weeks. You fled. You fled Canada. I fled to Canada. I did flee. I fled Canada. And, you know, it was just after a few weeks. I am worried about this feeling a little bit.

I think I'm okay. You don't have to say anymore. I think I'm okay. No one cares anymore. He's being chased by Mounties to the border. I was brand new to dating. I had no idea what I was doing. You understand that's crazy. It's crazy. Nothing against this person. They're a good person in their heart. She was great. She was hot.

It was cool to look up with them. It was an interesting time, you know? And I... Just three weeks in, I was like, what am I doing here? I have to go home. Like, I have to go home. It's also, there were so many obstacles. That's the craziest part. Yeah. It's like, this is how hard you thought getting pussy was? I was like, this is the one girl that'll ever...

Little ever like me. Yeah. What did we say? We set a rule for you. You had to fuck 50 girls or something. You set a rule. Yeah. You told me that before I could have a girlfriend, I had to have sex with 100 women. And I stand by that. I was like, what? Just...

Just pitching a movie. I can't experience love until I've developed a sex addiction. You're like, yeah, but I'm thinking that's going to fuck with my concept of love forever. You could have knocked out a hundred so easy, dude. Sex needs to become a rote habit to the point of being a chore where you can even look at a woman you like. I came back to him and I was like, all right, I've had sex ten times. And you're like, I didn't say times. I said different people.

And there can be whatever kind of people you want. Man, woman, like, doesn't matter. You could easily have juiced your numbers with all those gay guys in your DMs that you're talking about. Right, right, right. And then I met with him, like, a month later, and he was like, what number are you at now? You know, 70, like, I'm going to assume you've, like, you've kind of hit up, like, everyone in, like, a five-mile radius. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, well, I have, you know, it's three. Three killed me, dude. And I do have a girlfriend. Oh, when you told me you had a girlfriend a month later. Not even really a girl. Just like I was like being exclusive to someone. Yeah. At that time. Yeah. Yeah.

He doesn't understand sweet little romantics like us. It really disgusts him. I love love. I love love. It's not that. It's that he had a window. Right. And also, here's the other thing. When you're divorced, you have what I've told you was the Mario star.

Where anytime someone tries to get you in a relationship, you can be like, I just got out of divorce. You just run down Rainbow Road. You get an STD. Oh,

That baby doesn't look anything like me Yeah Whatever man Fuck you I do now have a girlfriend I've given up on you man And you're so disappointed I know I had some fun You had a little bit of fun I just would love Yeah anyway it's fine

What are you going to do? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't let it get pussy. It's like a dad when their son can't keep a job or something. That's the level of this. We just have to cut ties at this point. He doesn't want to help himself. He doesn't want to get better. He has to hit a lower bottom. Yeah, we've lost contact. But, you know, whatever, man. You go at your own pace, Evan. It's fine.

Do you think you're going to get... Okay, so you'll have a girlfriend, but you're not going to get married anytime soon. You know me, man. Come on. You could have. Okay, we're reinstating the 100 rule for marriage. Yeah, yeah. That's fair. Marriage 100 girls is fair. Okay.

I don't know, man. All right. What's a fair number? Let's do this for Evan right now. What's a fair number before he's allowed to get married? 15. If girlfriend's watching, zero. Obviously zero. It's going to be her. Right, right, right. No, it's meant to be. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Give me my camera. Yeah, you guys are going to make it.

Come on. I'm so boxed. You're going to get arrested by the Mounties and your girl's going to break up with you. You're going to stand trial in Canada. Trudeau's going to make you do blackface. Okay.

If this relationship should tragically end. Thank you. Hypothetically speaking. Hypothetically speaking. Which it won't. Which it won't. You're going to get married. God forbid. Yeah. Hypothetically. You said 15. I'm going to say 20. Marriage. We're talking marriage. 20. So what's the actual timeline we're looking at? I don't know. What's realistically? That's up to Evan. That could be 10 years. That's up to Evan. That could be a few months. Could be a few months. Historically, no. It will not be. Historically, no.

A decade. But look, man. You take that nice slow jog to the next one. That's fine. The tortoise and the hare. You know what I mean? A little steeplechase. Yeah. The hare makes a lot of stops. But still gets where he's going. The hare loses. He does lose. He's a fucking idiot. He gets there, but he's late. You got the exact wrong message. The tortoise and the hare. The hare is the big day. He finally gets there, though. But he loses. At least he completes the race, though.

You know when you see the marathon, you see that one dude and he's limping at the end and you're like, respect to that guy. On all fours. Yeah. Respect to that guy, dude. Well, whatever, man. And look, it's fine. Because before that, you were just a kid. You got married at 21 and you were like...

You were just getting fucked up and shit all the time. Yeah, I hooked up with just like a couple people, and then I found cocaine, and I was like, this is the greatest thing I've ever heard. That's your girlfriend? That's my girl, dude. Cocaine is my girlfriend. It's the love of my life, dude. Yeah. We walked hand in hand, kilo to kilo. That's awesome. And just, you know, buying snakes and getting arrested and just stealing PlayStation 2s. That's awesome. And, uh...

And then got sober and met, you know, the girl that would become my wife. So I was single from like,

16 and 19, and then I was with one person from 19 to 32. Wow. Yeah, 13 years. Well, let's walk us back to the cocaine era. Where's the first time? How old were you when you did cocaine for the first time? I was 15. Yeah. Nice prime age to just start putting felony drugs in your nose. That's good for your brain. Yeah, yeah, no, it's good. That's why I was good with the tortoise and hare thing. Yeah, yeah.

I can't manage the curriculum of intro to algebra and modern European history. I need something to give me an edge. I need a little tootski before I do my fucking... Like a stockbroker. You're doing it to just get through home ec. Just

Yeah, dude. A little bump in the afternoon. I was. I was doing it in school and stuff. That's fucking cool, dude. That is cool. Yeah. That's exactly cool. I had a little vial, and I would give it to my friends. Oh, that's even cooler. We would pass it in between classes, but then one at a time, one of us would be coming down for an hour, and the other would be jacked up in calculus. You and your friends were almost never happy at the same time? Never. That first ten minutes of class, we were the same amount of happy.

But yeah. Did you at a party someone just had it or what was? Dude, it was like, what's that movie? Walk Hard where they're like, you don't want this, man. It's amazing. It was like that, dude. Everything I did, it was after spending years being like, I will never, I will never smoke cigarettes. I would take it out of my friend's mouth. I'd put it on the ground and step on it.

You're better than that, you know? And then I'm like monkey fucking mine with his. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then weed and then booze. And I was like, well, I'll never do like a – I'll never put anything on my nose. Yeah. And then my friend was doing it one night, and I was like, what are you doing, man?

what are you doing, you loser? Yeah. You know? And he was like, yeah, you're right, it's stupid. I shouldn't do it. And then he was doing it and he's just like all excited and he was like having a great time. And I was like, why are you doing this? You know, and he was like, you don't want to do it. Like, you definitely don't want to do it. I agree with you, you shouldn't do it. And I'm like, I'm going to show you how much you shouldn't do that. No. I'm going to do a line of it and show you that it's not shit. That's what I said. And then you gotta

And then I did it. And then you immediately got addicted. Every day for three years. After that? Every single day. I took a month off one time, dude. I did it every day for three years. I hit that guy the next day. I was like, do you have more? And I did it every day.

For three years, there was one time I had a girlfriend. That rules. The logic of that, of being like, I'm going to show you, the guy who's been doing coke, that it's not cool, by doing it in front of you. By doing it and showing you it doesn't make me cooler. And then you can see that and then stop doing it. It's like, oh, now you see that I'm instantly converted. Yeah.

And I am now a true believer. And now you will never stop doing coke because I love it so much. Yeah. That's so funny. Yeah, that's the funniest addiction origin story. And then that guy robbed a Wendy's. Fuck yeah. Got on house arrest and I would go to his place. They have insurance. Do you blow there? Yeah, they're fine. Oh, he was doing blow on house arrest. Yeah, I would bring him blow on house arrest. He would bring it in? Yeah. That's awesome. Bring it in.

Hey, Mrs. I almost said her name. Hey, Miss Garty B. We'll just use her for every name we want to hide. And that's also who I dated in Canada. And then I would blow with him. And he robbed another Wendy's.

Why Wendy's? I don't know, man. He just didn't like Wendy's. He's a big McDonald's guy, I guess. I don't know. That's just Coke logic. Think about it. The burgers are square, so they can fit more of them on the grill. So they're making more money than any of these other fast food places. There's a lot of fucking cash in that. I got the whole place fucking cased out. Weird.

He went to prison for like eight years for a string of armed robberies. Wow. Did you do any crimes other than PS2s and shit? Maybe it's just PS2s. And that was just like what? You were at a house party and you saw a PS2? No, I would take my mom's credit card. This is horrible. It's not funny at all. We'll see about that.

I will say something that's insane after this. That's great. It's horrible, but it might be fun. I don't know, man. That's fun. No, I would take my mom's card, and I didn't know, like, the pin or anything, so I couldn't, like, get stuff out of an ATM. So I would go to one GameStop, and I would buy a PS2 brand new, and then I would just open it and then drive to the other GameStop in town and sell it. And trade it in. For, like, yeah, half the price. Yeah.

And then I would do that like every couple days. And I swear to God, I was just like moving a PlayStation 2 back and forth. The same one. Probably the same one quite a few times. And the GameStop employees were none the wiser. They had no idea. And she started noticing I was doing stuff like that. So she put her money in like a safe. Wow. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. And then me and a buddy did it.

And I'll climb up the roof dude I'll go up in the attic window and climbing that and down those stairs into her bed and like ninja my way Richie And we use the blacklight pen

And I put little dots on all the keys on the safe. Wow. Little dots. To see which one she would press. Which one would be smudged. Oh. So she would be like, dee, dee, dee, dee. I was like, well, there's four. Yeah. And then I shined the light on it, and we saw which ones were smudged, and we did every combination of that four times until it opened. That's the smartest thing I've ever done in my life. That is. How many combinations is that, like 10,000? We figured it out pretty quickly. Yeah.

wow I don't know dude that's so smart yeah and I'm not smart like cocaine it's how bad you needed cocaine it's how bad I needed it yeah damn dude that's pretty that's fucking awesome you should do cocaine again it's not awesome

It's really bad. Don't do cocaine. It's your family's money. I made amends to my mom. It's going to make you do Harriet the Spy shit to steal from your own mother. Listen, I'm not saying you should steal from your loved ones, but it clearly made you a smarter guy. So do a little cocaine again. Or I was always that smart. No, no, no. Cocaine was like that teacher in a troubled public school who was like, you just got to believe in yourself. Yeah.

Evan, you're smart. Yeah. No, I'm not, Teach. Yes, you are. Yes, you are, Evan. Go buy a snake, dude. Tell the audience about the snake, Evan. You need a Komodo dragon, you know? You didn't have a Komodo. I didn't have a Komodo dragon. I wanted one, dude. But you had some reptiles. I wanted one real bad. I had some reptiles. People on GoGames just get reptiles. Yeah.

It's in my stand. I'm not going to do the bit. You don't have to do the bit, but tell Eldest the story. He doesn't know. Okay. I had a snake. It was a corn snake, but he was an asshole, and then he died. And I was like, I only got one other snake.

And then I was like, on cocaine, this guy was talking to me about snakes, man. Because, you know, it's cocaine. I'm kind of curious here, because you grew up in fucking Greensboro, North Carolina. I grew up in Asheboro. I'm sorry, Asheboro. You know, I ended up in Greensboro. Okay, you did. Yeah. So you... Like...

What is going on? How is there so much cocaine? What is the... You're talking like it's studios. It was a dry county. There was no alcohol. Wow. So there was nothing fun to do. Interesting. And all the drug dealers knew that people needed shit to do. Interesting. Kids, anybody. Yeah, we need something for the kids. We need something for the kids.

Not a recreation center. No, no, no. We need cocaine. There was a dude named Popcorn who was running Moonshine in North Carolina around that time for a long time. May he rest in peace. Oh, yeah, Popcorn. Are you being serious? Yeah, there's that guy Popcorn. He's a real guy. Pull up Popcorn. Yeah. Pull up Popcorn. When was he running? When was he doing that? Because I haven't known this guy. I knew people who bought from him.

He was running hooch in the hill country. Popcorn North Carolina fucking moonshine, dude. Whatever. Popcorn Sutton, rest in peace. Popcorn Sutton.

Oh, damn. What a guy. Marvin Popcorn's son was an American Appalachian moonshiner and bootlegger. I got sober in 2008, man. You think you might have sipped a little moonshine? Maybe, dude. What part of Maggie Valley? Wait, you see how Eldis' dick just got hot? I was in college in North Carolina when he did that. What happened, Eldis?

I think this guy was in this sick movie. That's a documentary called Mountain Talk. Oh, okay. Where they just talk about like Appalachian dialects. Nice. They talk fucking crazy out there. Yeah. Nice, dude. Nice, dude. That's awesome, man. That's awesome, man. That sounds like a fun Sunday night, man. That was good. He was like, I remember this. Oh. Yeah. I just wanted to talk about that family. What's that family called? It's like in the deep...

West Virginia and they're like inbred. Oh, the Whittakers. The Whittakers. Yeah, yeah. One guy like barks. He's like, that's like how he communicates. It was wild. By the end, you're horrified of him at first. Like in the documentary, like he comes from the shadows, dude. Like they go in the house and it's dark and he's like, you just like hear it and you think it's a dog and then like a man comes out, dude. But then towards the end of it, you're like, you're crying. Like you're like, I love him. What's his name? Brotherly love is like beautiful. What was the guy's name? I don't remember.

I don't remember his name. Oh, you don't remember his name. No, but the Whitaker family. The Whitaker family. Yeah, the Whitakers. Yeah, and they all just all fuck each other, huh? Probably. It turns out, like, the family tree was, like, two... The reason they were so fucked up is it wasn't just that a brother and sister... No, it was cousins who had sex, but it wasn't just cousins.

It was cousins of twins. Like, the mom and the... That's effectively... Genetically, you're siblings. Yeah. If you're cousins from twins, because it's the exact same DNA. Yeah. So genetically... It made it way worse. So that's like fucking your sister. Basically. Not cousins. Like, that's crazy. Yeah, it's wild. Wow. What a shame. It's beautiful, though. Yeah? It's kind of beautiful. Was anybody hot in that family? Definitely not. No disrespect to the Whitaker family.

God forbid. You know what I mean? Did you ever do any, do you ever have any moonshine up in the mountains? Oh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, there's some shine going around them parts, boy. Yeah.

You bet. You got a buddy's daddy that fucking makes it real good. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, and he is racist. Oh, of course. Definitely is. Oh, it don't taste good if the guy making it's not racist. I don't want moonshine if the guy doesn't have some problematic views. You know, it's good because I gave it to my wife when she was pregnant and our baby was born without eyes. Yeah.

Hell yeah, brother. Hell yeah. You didn't do it. Were you ever a cocaine guy? Never. Because you were a drunk. Not even in Carolina College? Not even in Carolina. What did I do? I did Molly one time. Hated it. And then...

And, you know, as you know. A sweet boy, man. Yeah. I'm becoming a shroomer, though. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. We had a great time in Austin. I'm not growing up. No, no, no. Okay, good. If the feds are listening, no. Yeah. But, no, I kept it pretty soft. I just, not, I mean, hard boozing, for sure. You fucked your body up, but you didn't do anything that stupid? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You didn't steal anything or do anything completely? Not that I remember. Okay. I woke up with blood on my knuckles one time. I don't know what happened there. Did you kill the guy? Jesus Christ, dude. Wow. Nothing too crazy. Nothing too crazy. It was a head in my trunk. I don't remember it. It's probably not connected to me in any way. It's not crazy. It's just a weird thing happening.

A man who claimed he was the devil told me I was chosen. But nothing really weird happened. Pretty...

Appreciate a little Molly. You never did anything. Like, my favorite stories of drunks is, like, when they would get out of bed, open the fucking, like, dresser drawer and piss or shit in there. That's always the funniest. It's weird how often that happens. That happens so often. The hamper, the drawers. Everyone has a friend who my roommate, freshman year of college, I won't say his name. That would be so funny. He's like, I haven't talked to this guy forever. I just put his name out there as a guy. Yeah.

who shit in his own clothes. But he multiple times fucking would open the thing and piss all over his own clothes. It's fucking awesome. That's such a cool, funny move. That's awesome, man. That's a hilarious move. That's just a good prank on you tomorrow. You know? Dude, somebody pissed on my shit. And then it's like, who would have done it? I love when people see someone doing it. Yeah. I'll just wonder about you, man. You never do. You ever do anything drunk that stupid?

Not really. I crossfaded really bad in Chicago one night. That's right. I was like smoking a cig on a balcony. It was like with my girlfriend's friends. And I just like, yeah, he did it like, uh, in your early thirties, like four, four couples, a couple of years ago, four couples hanging out, just kick back. No, it was more party than that. Okay. I'm sorry. Wait, what's the crossfade? What's that? Well, he'll, he was just drunk and high. Oh, okay. Got you. Got you. Drunk and high. Uh,

you know, I was like smoking the cigarette that took me over the edge. And then I'm like, I feel myself like just kind of blacking out in my eyes a little. And I wake up and my girlfriend's like, are you okay? Are you okay? And I'm like, my chin is bleeding. He busted his fucking chin on the table. Everyone's just sitting around having a nice time and then all of a sudden I don't know where it goes.

I suffered a few injuries. Yeah. That was pretty bad. You did that other, remember that other time you just fell? Oh yeah. I fainted one time after a Bell House show too. After, yeah, after Pantheon. That was like, we were getting tacos, remember? Yeah. Damn, Marie was there. Yeah.

Remember? She was just hanging out. Before she did the episode, I was like, I hope she doesn't remember that. Oh, I would have brought that up. I know. I wish next time she doesn't. Next time, yeah. That would have been awesome. I sustained a few injuries, too. You did, yeah. In blackouts and just regular drunkenness, I remember one time I was home after college. I was at my buddy's house in Connecticut. We had already turned in. We were just hammered. We were staying in his basement, and all the lights were out, but the bathroom was upstairs, so it was like 4 o'clock in the morning.

I get up. I'm going to the bathroom upstairs, trying to be very quiet, still pretty drunk. Take a piss, come back down, and I'm trying to be very careful on the stairs. And then I fell down the stairs, not like the way you normally do, like a slide, like a baseball slide. I went leaning Tower of Pisa forward. Oh, no. And I just braced myself. Oh, no.

With my forearms and knees. And I hit the bottom two stairs like that, like in a human sled formation. And it rocketed me forward into the wall, which was like three feet away. And the crown of my head put a hole in the wall about like four inches. That's awesome. So funny with your body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So much funnier with your giant body. It looks like a crane collapse. It was bad, dude.

And then I got up the next day and I was hungover. I had scratches on my face like my dad sees me as soon as I get home in the morning. And he's like, he immediately knows what's up. He's like,

There's a treadmill in the basement. You need to take it to the dump right now. Wow. I was hung over with a concussion taking a 400-pound treadmill somehow to the dump. He was just fucking with you. Yeah, just to fuck with me. How old were you then? Like 22. Yeah, you can just do that at 22. You just have one bad day. You can cuss drunk with a broken arm. I went to work at an office with those injuries on my face.

Yeah, dude. Like you're in Fight Club. Morning, everyone. I finished those reports. That's so... Eldish, were you at Anna's party where I got fucked up and I like...

I caused a leak. Yeah, I've heard about this a lot. I wasn't there. This is so long ago. I don't even remember exactly what happened. But this is back in... This is like a high school... Maybe it was like high school after going into college party, you know? I did most of my drinking when I was like...

16 to 24, right? Like, I kind of... At 24, I was like, you know what? I'm more of a drug guy. I like weed. Weed is my thing. But, you know, when you're, like, in college and high school, you want to prove you're fucking cool. So I would do, like... And I was, you know, fat as shit or whatever. So I would just...

I'd be like, I can drink so much. And you know, you get respect for drinking a lot. So people are like, other people will care how much you drink. The thing is they did. I cared, man. I get a little tear in my eye. If you told me you drink a whole case, I'm so proud of you. You understand how I feel about you getting pussy now. Yeah.

Oh, Jesus. And so my thing was like, that was my, you know, you're nervous. You want to be cool at this fucking party. And I just, dude, I just chugged a fucking handle of Jack. Like, I just, not the whole thing, but I was just like, glug, glug, glug, glug. Like it was iced tea. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And everyone's like, woo, stuff, you know, real fucked up. And, you know, in 11 minutes, I was like,

I was like, what have I done? I feel so bad, dude. I feel fucking atrocious. Everyone's like, I'm like, yeah, cool, guys.

And I go like, everyone's kind of like between, there's two main hangout areas. There's like downstairs in the kitchen and then there's like a deck, right? So like, I can see it and I can smell it and I can feel it. You can kind of like, I can feel the texture of the floor. Yeah. The dampness is absolutely, there's a grime from the dirt on people's shoes mixed in with the beer. Totally, yes.

So there was plenty of little nooks in the house where you could just kind of chill and no one would see you. The living room that you're not supposed to go in. Or just even the stairway. I was just hanging out on the stairway, and if someone was coming down, I was pretending I was going up. If someone was going up, I was pretending I was coming down. So I just kind of chilled there for a second. You just walked over down the center of a stairway. For a while, yeah. I just kind of stood there. And then...

Until I was like, oh, I was like, oh, fuck. I was like, my stomach's starting to feel fucked up. Yeah. And, you know, I'd already been drinking, right? Like, this is the regular party. And to turn it up, I was like... I've been there, man. Fucking pussies. Fuck you, you know? Yeah. And so...

I'm like, oh, my tummy's rumbly. But I had also taken a bunch of snacks from the kitchen. I had a Pop-Tart, whatever, in my hand. And I was like, I took a Pop-Tart. Maybe I'm hungry. Literally, it was like...

I need nutrition. No, no. And I was eating chips. I felt what was happening and I was like, you know, trying to like soak it up and like not get so fucked up. So I had like, I had eaten a bunch of chips and I took some Pop-Tarts. Walking backwards up the stairs because he forgot which way someone's coming. Yeah.

And I have the Pop-Tart and before I can eat the Pop-Tart, I'm like, oh no, like something fucked up is happening. So I'm just like, I'm like, all right, I can in my brain and many times it's worked. Sometimes I've had to throw up. I've just focused on shitting it out.

And I swear to you, I have some kind of mind-body connection. You would have that superpower. You know when your throat starts doing that wet thing where your throat's making extra saliva to make you throw up? Yeah, when you're about to. I'm just like, nah. Multiple times I've been like, I'm not doing this and I'm shitting this out. And don't get me wrong, it's excruciating. You should just throw up, but I just hate throwing up, right? Me too. Stavros, there is a second way. Yeah.

Snap roast with the power to shit when he wants to shit and puke when he wants to puke. Yeah, so I'm feeling triumphant. I'm like, I've done it. So I sit down, I take a shit. I'm wearing jorts. You know, this is 2007. I'm wearing fucking seashells around his neck. Literally, I'm in like an Abercrombie polo. No, it was probably my green American Eagle go-to polo. Yeah. The smell of your Adidas cologne is triggering. Yeah.

I'm wearing George that I'm wearing. I think also, weirdly, I would wear... My mom would just get me packs of Costco boxer briefs that were big as fuck. And it was white, gray, and black. And I happened to be wearing the white ones, right? So these gigantic white underwear. And I'm focusing. I'm like, I take a heinous shit. And I'm like...

I think I've done... I'm feeling so good. I'm like, I did it. I fucking did this. I'm gonna go get high on the thing. And then, as I think I've won, I'm just like... Throw up into my white underwear. Throw up direct against... It splatters. Oh.

It's like all over the place. Oh, God. I'm like, oh, fuck. And then I'm like, I throw up one in there and then I throw up in the shower because after I get like one, the initial one of surprise gets me. I just throw up on my own self and then I throw up in the rest of the shower and then I'm like, fuck. And I'm all right. Now you're getting drunk as fuck. You're so lightheaded off that throw up. I'm feeling horrible. So I take the, I'm like, all right, start running the shower because I have to clean this shit up. I'm like, fuck. And I, uh,

I take, I ball up my underwear. I'm free balling now. So I get the shower and I'm just like, fuck it. It's a small bathroom. It's not big. And I'm like, you know, lumbering around. I pull some kind of fucking, I pull some kind of pipe. Like,

It's weird for a little bit. It's like how Mr. Bean blacks out. I guess I fix it pretty fast, but I'm like, oh, that was close. I clean up as best as I can. I'm a plumber, too. I'm so good. I just got to put it up. I ball up the fucking underwear.

And I'm just like, you know, and I'm like, oh, I clean. I actually do a pretty good job. At least that's what I think of cleaning up. In your state, yeah. And then I fucking, I'm like, I need some fresh air. And by some miracle, no one was on the deck. Like, I guess they had all gone downstairs, whatever. So I'm like, all right, sick. So I fucking throw my, I just fucking toss my underwear into, like, some neighbor's backyard. Because I want no evidence, right? Yeah, yeah. And I just start, like, I'm just...

And as soon as I've been eating the Pop-Tart, as soon as I'm done throwing up, I'm eating the Pop-Tart. And I'm just laying down and I have a little Pop-Tart left. And I'm just like feeling the breeze. And people come out and they're like, yo, Stav, what's up? Um...

I'm like, oh, nothing, dude. They're smoking a joint. I'm like... And I'm actually feeling better now. I've thrown up. The Pop-Tart is working. You've purified. And I just lay... But I'm also just kind of laying back down because I'm really fucked up. Yeah. And then, like, you know, five minutes later, people start running up. They're like, what the fuck's going on? What the fuck's happening? They see the... People are like, there's a leak downstairs. Does anybody know what happened? Like, some... Like a pipe. And I was like, dude, I have no fucking clue. I'm lying. I'm like, I have no idea. And then...

They go to the bathroom. There's a trail of Pop-Tart that goes from the bathroom where I threw up through a Pop-Tart in my hand and I am caught like Hansel and Gretel. I am caught...

Because of the Pop-Tart. It was forensic evidence. Honestly, dude, it was so funny. People weren't even, like, mad at me. Like, I really got away with it. Like, our friend whose house it was was so cool, too. She's awesome. But everyone else was like, this is so good. And then later on, to kind of redeem myself, there was a guy everyone hated, and I pissed on his skateboard. And I was like, you know, I'll take one for the team. I'll piss on this fucking idiot's skateboard. But...

That was, you know, I was like 19, whatever. Jesus, man. But yeah, I used to get that fucking drunk. But it was only to show off. I didn't like... I did it too, yeah. I didn't really... I remember my first college, oh, I'm going to show off how much I can drink, even though I hadn't built up a tolerance yet. I just thought because I was tall, I'd be able to drink a lot. And we were going to a Halloween party. I was in my Ricky Bobby costume. My buddy got a hold of some vodka, and we mixed it with red Gatorade. Hell yeah.

And in the course of like 40 minutes, I probably put down 10 or 11 shots. I figured it out later. It was 10 or 11 shots worth of vodka mixed with red Gatorade in an uncomfortable amount of time. Brutal stuff. Completely blacked out.

I had gotten all the way back to my room that night and I was like home free. I was safe. And they like the RAs heard me puking and they came in and they just see all this red puke all over my dorm room. They like take me down to the lobby, like took me to student health in a cop car. Apparently they thought you were like dying because you had blood. I guess they probably thought it was blood. And like, uh, I remember talking to people about it. Like,

Days later, I was like, oh, man, I was pretty fucked up the other night, right? And they're like, yeah, we were fucking worried. It looked really bad. Oh, my God. Because, like, it was Halloween night. The whole freshman class was, like, out, and everyone was, like, milling about in the dorms and stuff. I'm just in, like, the lobby. Dead. Murder mystery on Halloween night, dude. I had to be told what happened. That's fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, it ruled. I really impressed everyone. Yeah, you were cool. You probably got a lot of respect out of that one. Absolutely.

Anyway, boys, it's nice talking about how fucking drunk and everything you were, but let's take some of these. Now you're clear, sober-minded boys. We got a lot of wisdom. You have so much wisdom. I can't wait to share it and solve some of our friends' problems here. So why don't you go ahead and play a nice, cute little question for us, pal. Yo, what's up? A big, beautiful boy, Elb from Stavs.

Yo, what's up a big beautiful boy L and stop somebody so coming to you Intelligent beings for some advice my girlfriend and I are We've been dating for four years now. This is JP We're both 21 and all is great between us but between her and her mom It can never seem to get along with me and her mom. We're great fantastic. That's weird and I

I don't see the side to her mom that she seems to see in her. So I'm just trying to figure out how can I diffuse or somewhat neutralize the situation. They constantly bicker, constantly fight, and there's just a lot of emotion going between the two. So I tried talking to her about just stepping back emotionally and just kind of taking it on the head and dealing with it.

But it never seemed to go anywhere. What's your advice, boys? Oh, this poor kid is so fucked. Buddy, you're 21. You've been dating this girl since you were 17. This is not your thing to solve.

This is like a baby with a fake, with a super soaker pointing it at a, at a, at a like intruder, at a home intruder. Like the Russian army is invading. Hold them back. Yeah. First of all, the mom, the mom who doesn't like her daughter, the mom who's in competition with her daughter, one of the most fucked up people in the universe. Yeah. One of the weirdest relationships possible. Yeah. Who feels like she's competing with her own kid. And the fact that you're like, I don't see what's so wrong with her mom means that she's,

You're too dumb. She's nicer to a house guest than she is to her daughter. Maybe your relationship isn't as complex as the mother-daughter. It could be it. It's just, you know, and I don't know, I hate to do this. I hate to be like, whoever figures this out, it's not going to be you.

I mean, I just hate to be like... It's going to be like a 60-year-old woman therapist. Yeah. If the mom is, like, open to therapy one day. Right. 21-year-old dude. That's what I'm saying. It's like, buddy... You don't solve this. You lay back. You eat the snacks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You eat the meals that she prepares for you. Exactly. You weather the storm every now and then. Exactly. And I hate to be this guy, but...

Statistically, you don't marry who you start dating at 17. And if you do, you end up like this fucking guy over here. You don't want that, dude. You don't want to be ever. I'm sorry right now, man. I let my friends down every day. It sucks, dude. Do you want in 11 years to be going to Vancouver Island for pussy? No, you don't. Is that the actual one? No.

I won't. I won't. Yeah. We can bleep it if it is. Yeah. Okay. Good. Good. Good. Good. Yeah.

So anyway, okay, but that's a piece of wisdom from, that's like the 10,000, what is it? The 10,000 hours? No, 10,000 feet. 10,000 foot level, yeah. Just looking down. Okay. The answer is, you're 21. It's not, you know, whatever, who gives a fuck? But let's actually engage with this question here. Okay. Okay.

Don't take a big swing. Do not book an ayahuasca retreat for the three of you in Central America. No, don't do that. No big swings. Don't do that. And honestly, I would say, here's the thing. This is not your place either to be the mediator.

What you want to do, if you're going to do anything here, is let your girlfriend vent about this. She's also pretty young. She hasn't begun to grapple with her mom. Clearly, this is some fucked up situation. And the thing to remember is that

You're on your girlfriend's team here, right? You try and stay... You don't try and... You're not gonna... Don't throw any fuel on the fire. I'm not saying argue against the mom, but what JP is saying, lay back, enjoy her snacks. You know what I mean? Whatever. That's fine. But...

Your job right now is to let your girlfriend vent about her weird mom and don't offer many solutions. I've been who you are, a 21-year-old dude who thinks he knows how to solve his also 21-year-old girlfriend's problems, and you don't. You have no idea what you're doing. You're stupid. She's probably stupid as well. Honestly, the mom's probably the stupidest one out of the three if you account for age.

Right. You know what I'm saying? Stupid and now also irresponsible. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I don't know if she's stupid, but she's a dumb bitch. It sounds like. So anyway, that's kind of that's just let her vent. Yeah. You know what I mean? Work on your relationship. Do you think I mean, it's this is something that you get involved with when you're married.

You're not married. Will you get married? Hey, that's up to you. I don't fucking know. But right now, just kind of lay back in the cut. Don't get too worried about this. And if you're going to do anything, maybe push your girlfriend. Well, not push, but suggest that she go to therapy and talk to an actual professional about this so she can sort out her feelings about her mom. I went to therapy in college because I had a lot of guilt issues about my family. And...

It took me a while to really undo all that shit and like really figure out where it's coming from. And I've said a lot on the show, but it's like if you go to therapy with a specific problem, it's very helpful. You can really like and you find the right therapist, of course. So, yeah, that's one thing you might want to do. But, you know, don't you do not have the skills to mediate this dispute. You don't have shit. You don't have you're not even close.

But good luck. Fuck the mom if you have to. And if you have to, fuck the mom. Does she have big tits? You think the mom wants to... Listen, if the relationship is going to end anyway, and they have this... And the mom and the daughter don't see eye to eye...

You also have in your back pocket fucking the mom. Get your money's worth. Go out in a blaze of glory, you know, if things are going bad. Just leave a real General Sherman behind you. Just really salt the earth. This mom and daughter who have so many problems, just give them a bigger one than they ever imagined. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, just set your girlfriend, your current girlfriend back 10 years by fucking her mom. Yeah.

Add like nine years of therapy before she can ever be okay again. Definitely do that. Great advice all around, fellas. Eldest, get another one going, you fucking lummox. Yeah, you got it. Great show you got. Love the podcast. Love your stand-up. Shout out to the Albanian you employ. Shout out to the big Albanian booth. My questions are my advice-seeking.

It's not about love or anything like that. I'm going to try to keep it short. So when I was a kid, my mom got married and had me with this dude. They got divorced when I was just a small baby. My mom met my dad, who I consider my dad. He adopted me. And fast forward, I'm 34, and now I have kids of my own. And

starting to like worry about what i have to look at look out for for my health and my future um that dude uh my biological father he never he won um visitation rights and was ordered to pay child support he never did any of that he came and got me one time and uh when and called my mom up

Hours later saying come get the fucking kid. Yeah, we said it's like a cool. That was my only visitation with him And obviously I was just still a baby I kind of know where this dude that because of Facebook Kind of know how to contact him and I hadn't done it before because I was worried what my dad would feel like you know But I'm over that now I'm growing up and where I can explain why I want to get in contact with this guy. How do I? Tell this guy

Hey, man, you know who I am. I don't want money, but I want your medical record. Knowing she can say, you can't get my medical record, how do you approach someone after 33 years of not seeing them, not knowing them?

Just any advice would be great, man. Like I said, love the show. What's up, guest? Whoever you are. Hey, man. Thank you for that last part, bro. That felt sincere, man. Yeah, yeah. I mean, this is a tough one. I have a couple questions here. First, what I'd like to ask you as a follow-up, my friend, is is this really just about the medical record?

Do you know what I mean? That's what I was thinking too. Because if you're worried about the... Because you said, I didn't want to contact him because I don't know how my dad would feel. But why would your dad give a fuck if you're just... It's almost like a cold business transaction. Yeah, your dad wants you to get your medical records. The guy who raised you wants you to get your medical records. Yeah. And also, it's like, don't they have like...

genetic tests and shit like that. I don't know. Isn't there other ways for you to figure this out? Figure out what you're predisposed to and stuff like that. You know, I mean, it's interesting. I guess it would cut out having to do like MRIs and like blood work and stuff like that if he could just snag it from the guy. But even though you just kind of know what your risk factors are, you know, it's like, yeah, there probably is a way to go. I mean, my guess is that this isn't

I mean, it's not super common, but you could probably approach... I wonder if there is something... If you have rights as a biological... Probably not a biological child of someone because a lot of people just kind of...

Yeah, it feels weird. It feels like you should just get this information. Like, you should be able to request it. Like, you should be able to request someone's medical history. Based on the brief description of this guy, the dad, I'm going to assume that he is... He's gotten real interested in, like, medical privacy stuff in the last couple of years. He's not going to be super forthcoming. That's a HIPAA violation. I'm...

I ain't telling you shit. I got my hippos. You just go to his house. You say, I'm from the office of Nancy Pelosi, and I need to see your medical records. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, listen, I am Anthony Fauci. You show up at his house in an Anthony Fauci mask with devil horns on. I'm just going to swab real quick. I'm just going to swab this out of your mouth. I need a test. Hello.

I'm Fauci. I'm one of Fauci's demons. Give me your DNA. I was wondering if you had any baby blood. Okay, this is good. Then here's what we do.

since this is probably what his dad is like, you send him, you're like, you knock on his door and you're like, hello, I'm from the Patriot, the Patriots for America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we have a can of Bud Light. Would you like to spit on this to show them that you stand against, you stand against groomers?

and he's going to hawk a nice fat loogie. You get that tested, and now you fucking do a full... And even more slam dunk surefire than that, you have hot girls. You ever see hot girls with the dip cans at events? They have samples of different kinds of dip. The hot girl shows up on the front step. She's got the dip flavors. Like, oh, you can spit in this if you want. Spit in this little bottle. That's good. Oh, and how about this?

take the Bud Light thing a step further. Spinning's not enough. You need a stool sample. You gotta know you're at risk for colon cancer. Would you like to shit on this trans beer? Take a shit on this picture of Dylan Mulvaney. Yeah. So those are all great ideas, JP. Now let's think of some backups. Backups, right? Let's establish plan A. Maybe a backup or two and then can you shit on this can? Yeah.

to show that you hate trans people. I don't know. Look, if someone's got a gun to your head and you're like, does this guy's deadbeat father, what's his opinion on trans people? Judging by the son's accent, just extrapolating what kind of guy. Hey, how many of them are there? That sounds like plural to me. The dad's not living in Greenpoint. Like, hello, good day, how are you? Come on in. I was just making some chai.

I do want to know what happened in that few hours, man. Maybe he was a nightmare kid. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Just like farting, just like shitting on eating furniture, you know. You got to get this fucking kid. This is insane. It is funny to only last a couple hours. It's usually you get one good hangout, and then the guy wakes up and he's like, that was fun, but I don't know.

You treat your kid like a one night stand. Yeah. Like I had a good time playing with the fucking NASCAR, little toy cars and shit, but out of fatherhood in a shorter time than like people wait at the DMV. Yeah. Um, it doesn't look like it's going anywhere. I'm going to bounce. Yeah. I got, uh, no, he was a baby piece of shit. It was probably a piece of shit. Um, uh,

So, yeah, I mean, look, this is a straightforward thing. This is a purely, like, this is a purely, you know, it's almost transactional. We were like, hey, you know, I don't... Basically, what he's saying is, like, I don't want anything from you. I just, I don't want any money. I'm not asking for anything. I don't care. But, you know, I have a kid. I have a kid of my own. I'm married. I'm worried about my health. You could just be like...

Are there any existing health... Start a conversation like that where it's like, is there any health conditions I need to know about that might have been passed down? Start there. And then if he seems kind of amenable to that, you could then be like, all right, was it possible to get records? I just want to use it for my own stuff. I think that's really all you can do. Now...

Also, honestly, you might want to talk to a lawyer about this. Because if this is the kind of guy who... Hold on, he might not want to ask New York City comedians. Yeah, yeah. What did you do? Hold on, dude. Well, I would say, like, if this guy, like, was ordered to pay child support, right? Like, was doing all this stuff and he just kind of welched on it, you might have, like, some kind of legal recourse to get...

Medical records It's possible I don't fucking know Yeah I feel like he must I mean I think But Yeah If you're like me Dude Who asked this Then you're going For more reasons Than the medical Right You know Right If I were to do this There'd be this part of me That's like I just want this guy to see That I have a family And that I'm my own man Right And I didn't fucking need him Right I feel like that's part of the reason You're going And if you are Like power to you for that too I think that's fucking awesome You're doing that And I hope you get the medical record

But either way, I think what you can use against this guy is that he's a piece of shit and he never wants to have to deal with any responsibilities ever. So be like, hey, it's pretty weird seeing me, right? Like, you probably don't ever want to have to feel these weird feelings again. So give me these medical records and I'll never talk to you again and you'll never have to talk to me again. This is the last time I ever truly want to talk to you. I'm pretty sure you feel the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just be like, by the way, I'm doing great without you, you piece of garbage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But...

Now, that's a good point about the ulterior possible motives. Yeah, well, you said that up top, and I feel like putting me into this story, I know I'd be going there for that, too. Oh, 100%. Yeah, absolutely. Part of you is always waiting for, like, as you're walking away, like, hey, Evan.

Yeah, exactly. What does my grandson look like? Yeah. And then it just goes from there, man. And then flash forward six months later, you're tossed to the pigskin. And it's like, you still call him Jeff. Your dad is still your dad. The guy who raised you is your dad, but now you have a relationship with, now you have two dads. You have a dad and a JV dad. That's what would be in the back of your head for sure. Yeah, in the back of my head, he was about to do it, man. And then the knock on the door happened.

Yeah, he was about to guilt for not raising you. I saved a sad man's life, dude. You know? Yeah. That's my... Everything I do, I think it's that intense. I really do. Oh, fuck, dude. So, yeah. You know, good luck, buddy. Consult a lawyer, probably. And also, I think the... I kind of think the order of operations is like...

Hit him up with the general health questions. Ask for that stuff. And then if that doesn't work, I think your plan is a good like go confront him and be like, hey. Yeah. You know, and before you do any of this call, I think contact a lawyer that knows about paternity stuff. Definitely that first. Because you might have rights here in this situation. I don't know. But good luck and good on you for not being a piece of shit.

Brady Bunch. They got white trash twins. Yeah.

But the other night, you know, she hit me with, I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Sorry, sorry. Don't say something that funny right now.

Start it over. Sorry about that. Sometimes we can't help ourselves. Their kids are in the same skipping school class. It doesn't feel like a home anymore, you know. I have a nine-year-old. She has a nine-year-old. So it kind of was just the perfect combination where we both met and were at the same points in our life and got together.

But the other night, you know, she hit me with, I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. And I don't know, like it didn't really seem like anything had changed. And then all of a sudden everything had changed. So what's your advice for going through a breakup whenever you can't handle your emotions like an adult because you weren't raised right and you have a lot of issues? Thanks bud, you make me laugh and keep me sane.

My man. Yeah, first of all, sorry. I mean, that sucks, Dick. That sucks, man. That's tough. Yeah, yeah. Especially when four men giggle throughout the movie. Yeah.

It makes it even tougher to go through, man. That giggle is just echoing to that empty house. It's tough. It's tough, man. I really feel for you on a real level, man. I am so sorry, and I am definitely not someone to ask about how to deal with a breakup correctly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, man, you're going to have to get to 100.

Then you can go to some sort of international island. But only if you lie to get there. So, okay. First of all, I know what you're saying about it doesn't feel like a home, obviously. But you should be proud of yourself for getting a fucking house. Having a place for your kid. That's the thing that's like...

The selfish, only worrying about myself way to deal with these emotions is to just kind of let it pass through, really take some time and worry about just yourself and try and work less, whatever. But you have a kid, which can be... I'm not telling you to push down your emotions, but you have kind of a mission in your life, which is like,

Let's just get this kid feeling good. You can put your full attention on that one kid. The way people, when they're going through something traumatic, throw themselves into work or just kind of like,

You take on projects, whatever. You have that situation here where it's like, you know what, dude? I mean, it's easy. You know, it just happened. It's probably fresh. But fuck that bitch. She's not going to take your home away, right? Turn some of that anger instead of like into yourself. It is a useful fuel when you aim it at the right direction. If you got to get it out anyway, right? Like make that house feel like a home. Have a project that you can do with your family.

your kid. Yeah. Make it feel more like, yeah, decorate, you know, paint a room, whatever. Spread some mulch around or his room. I didn't even say what do the landscaping, you know? Yeah. Like, like really, I think that's what, that's kind of what I'm seeing here is like this fucked up what you saw your life to be like, you know, and look, maybe part of that, like not being raised right. Don't know how to handle yourself. Shit. Maybe that was also, maybe you misjudged.

how serious this could be, right? That's also possible. You might have gotten in too deep too quick and that's time for some self-reflection. She might also be misjudging right now. She might make a huge mistake. She might from her Instagram or whatever see that you're rebuilding your life and you're turning your life around for the better and making this house a home for you and your little one and she realizes that like, I fucked that guy was like...

and I'm now missing out on that. I could be having all those experiences with him and my little one, you know? But at the same time, this also might just be like concrete proof that she's not the one anyway. Yeah. And at least it happened now as opposed to when you made up the rest of the house and you made another room for the other little nine-year-old and now you got to go into that room and turn that into an office and stuff, you know? That's...

Dude, taking the little, like, the race car posters off of the wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To put up a fucking Pulp Fiction poster, bro. In, like, a bachelor room. Unsticking glow. Way more sad. Glowing in the dark. Stars. Yeah. Not losing a relationship, but gaining a man cave. Yeah, man. There you go. You know? Yeah. But seriously, she may have done you a favor by backing out now. I know that's, like, tough to hear, man. But, uh...

I mean, it impresses me that you got that house. Yeah, and here's the thing. A breakup, there's never any good way to go through it. It's just time. It's just like letting it wash over you. It's not acting on those. It's not letting those emotions dictate you in a negative way. Don't let them go through any... I don't know if you have any problem behaviors, if you have substance stuff, anger stuff, whatever.

You just, it's all it is, is time. And I think the good news here is that, you know, you're handed a prize. I really think like you're pour yourself into like this house and it's a big accomplishment. And it, maybe it's not for, it's not for the family you thought it was going to be. It's not for you and her and her kid and your kid, but it's for someone, you know, you like make it your own home, right?

Instead of thinking of it like you and this woman, it's like, no, make it for you and your kid. And someone, it's like Field of Dreams, basically. It's like, build it and the right woman will come. You know what I mean? Get your life stable. Get your house nice. Feel like you belong there, whatever. And everything else will come from that. And it's just,

you know, it's kind of tough. The biggest psychological hurdle is like getting over the fact that this is not the house for you and the girlfriend, even though that's been planted in your mind for so long. It is, you have to take steps toward making sure like you understand this is the house for you and your kid. Yeah. It was for you guys the whole time, you know? And it's true, man. And like, uh, something that helped me in a breakup recently was like,

Instead of this idea of like I'm gonna marry this person and like I'm just gonna give everything that I am to this person As soon as that was over I was like I'm just gonna marry my career right now I'm gonna be completely married to it and like if somebody wants to like come along right now like that's cool But like I am focused and I'm busy and I'm loyal to this thing Yeah, and like you making that your nine-year-old, you know Like I'm married to making this the best life for this person and like the best homey house for us both and

I think it'd be great right now. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like, you're gonna feel some pain because that's just how these things work, but don't let it take away this big accomplishment of having a place for you and your kids. So, you know, congrats on that. Sorry, you know, and you'll... You're, you know, you're a responsible single parent with a fucking house. You're... Look...

In the single parent league, which it's like you're... You're like an MVP in the WNBA right now. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Yeah, you got a fucking nine-year-old. You're on the NBA. You are playing in the single parent division. But for that division...

You're a fucking catch, brother. Yeah, man. Homeowner. So, you know, we're rooting for you. You're going to do great, babe. Yeah, of all the mistakes to make after a relationship, buying a home is not near the top. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I raised you a trip to Canada, man. I raised you that. Yeah, get tattooing her face on your chest to try and win her back. That's a much worse thing you can do than own equity. Heaven has no equity in British Columbia right now. I don't. I definitely don't. Or Manitoba. I don't know. Guys, I'm probably not allowed back there at all. Go ahead, Big L. Play another one for the boys.

Hey, Stav. And hi, Eldest. I just saw you in Salt Lake for the Fully Loaded Tour. Oh, yes. And you crushed it. You were so good. Thank you. Thanks for coming to Salt Lake. Of course. Thanks for coming. Anyways, my question is, I don't know, hopefully it's not too much of a downer question, but recently I...

after I have sex, I just, I just get this wave of depression. Just like, just the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I start crying. It seriously is the strangest thing. Um, I've asked my sister, I've asked a couple of my girlfriends if this has ever happened to them. Um,

They look at me like I'm crazy and, you know, they're like, no, this has never happened to me. I don't know. Like, it's not from, like, you know, any sexual abuse. It's just really... I don't know if it's just, like, the huge release of...

Like, emotion? I don't know. I don't know what I would even say to, like, a doctor if I went, like, I'm not being sexually abused. Sex is great. Just every time I come, I just start to cry. That's fucking wild. I don't know. It's just really freaking me out. Maybe if this has ever happened with someone you're with. I don't know. Let me know, Savvy baby. I love you. Thanks. Bye. Love you, too.

Has anyone ever started crying when you fucked them? I'm thinking about this dude now, man. He's just like, yeah, I did it. You know what I'm saying? You're like, all right. That's not good, man. And she also busts. That's the thing. She tries and she busts. Yeah. Which is like kind of, it feels like it's like, you know. Maybe it's like, yeah. Like a wire got crossed somewhere. Yeah. Where it's like every time you, like, I'm going to ask you this.

Let me ask you this. If you jack off and you bust, do you cry? That is a good clarifying question. Damn it, I wish we had the answer to that question before giving any more advice. I know, we should call her back. We should call her right now. It was fucking midnight. Stop being blacked out for a second.

It seems to be tied to the physical act of busting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it a physical? Yeah. Which makes me think it's hormonal. Like you get this flood of oxytocin or whatever after you have sex. Yeah. It's not a happy crush. You said wave of depression. Way to the world. After all that washes out, then there's just the depression.

Because what is depression? It's like the absence of the chemicals in your brain that are supposed to be firing. It just sounds like post-nut clarity, right? It sounds like she maybe is experiencing... Are you depressed? Yeah, are you depressed? And like, cum builds up and masks the depression because now you're excited to have sex and then you have that sex. And she's having a good time, too. You're having a good time having sex. You like sex. There's no question there. But then you cum and you got the post-nut clarity and you're sad again.

It's not related to any... Same guy or different guys? Good question. She said the sex is great, which made it sound like one guy. Yeah. If it's one guy and not multiple guys, then the question is, has it happened with other guys? Yeah. And if not, like, okay, so you haven't been abused, which would have been obviously, everyone goes right to there. Yeah, she knew that, which is why she said it. Yeah. But is the sex great, but this relationship is not good?

Because that can happen. Right, yeah. When you're in a weird, fucked up relationship and you both like,

hook up and then after you both nut you're so sad you're like sometimes the sex is so great that it like deceives you like you think that the relationship is great because you think that good sex means love yeah and it doesn't right at all it's like now we're back to the part where we don't have anything in common and I'm just staying at her place for the next couple hours and I'm remembering that you know we've had we had a horrific breakup six months ago yeah you know what I mean and like my mom hates you yeah

All her friends, if they found out about this, would fucking crucify her. And now she's like tearing up. She's like, what have I done? You're like, God, this is going to set me back a year. You know, hypothetically speaking, of course. Hypothetically speaking. So I think she would have specified that too or not even asked the question if that was the case. If it was one guy? If it was one guy.

One guy that she can't even tell her friends about. No, no, no, no. I was literally, you know, I wouldn't say that. But I do think it's possible that if it's one guy, if it's not multiple guys, that even if it's not sexual abuse of some kind, that maybe there is some repressed general feelings about this person that could be coming out within this instance, you know? Now, if it's different guys and they all...

If it's different guys and every time you bust you cry no matter who it is or but you don't bust if you jack off That's weird and interesting. Yeah, you're gonna have to go to the most important question to me as is do you do you cry when you? Jack off when you yeah, yeah masturbate, right?

If that's the truth, then I would talk to a normal doctor. I feel like Dr. House MD right now. Give me my cane and my fucking oxycodone. We have to snoop around your bedroom to see. We're all going to have to fuck you. We're all different astrological signs. So we will see which one affects you differently.

She gets the depression after she masturbates to the just Hitachi magic wand looking over like, did I do something wrong? It's always at the end of the F House MD when they've tried everything and then someone just says a random thing and that reminds him like, all right, I'm going to take the train home. He's like, say that again. I'm going to take the strain home. Strain.

We have to run a train on her. And then we'll know for a fact. We'll all finish at different times and whenever she cries, that's like... Dr. House, are you crazy? I'm not doing that again. He's right.

Yeah, is this guy have a bit, is this, are these, what's the dick size? That's another variable. Are you in physical pain? Yeah. Because the dick is too big. That would be a flex. That would be such a flex for the guy. It would be a flex, dude. You give a woman like a chemical imbalance from the dong. Your dick's so good. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Man, that's like a blessing and a curse. For sure, dude. Man. So, yeah, I would just, you know,

Ask a doctor. Be more clear about the things you've asked and figure out does it happen when you bust? If you cry when you bust when you jack off,

Talk to a medical doctor. If this is one guy and you're crying and you don't cry when you jack off, talk to a psychologist. Yeah. I think. I like that. Right? Yeah. You can talk to both for both. Talk to both just for safety. Yes, for safety. Yeah, for safety. But this is very interesting. It is. So, yeah, that's our take. We should have, this would have been a great live one to have. I would have liked to follow up. Right. C'est la vie. Good luck. Good luck. We believe in you.

We hope you stop crying after you come. Happy tears next time. Yeah. What up, Scottie? This is Hunter from Pennsylvania. I have a question for you. I have a bit of a conundrum. I am in a relationship with my girlfriend. And we've been together for about two years.

My problem is I'm not super attracted to her. We're best friends. She helped me through a lot of hard things. And I don't know if I feel like I'm being shallow or what have you. How much does attraction matter in a relationship? Do you need some sort of spark or whatever?

lightning bolts or attraction to you know be in it for the long haul or what have you without question 100% yes and we'll move on to the next question this is actually one of the most fundamental parts of the interview yeah it's like what you want to find that out after the wedding yeah I know people who that's happened to where it's like the spouse just says like I'm not attracted to you anymore it's like damn rather find that out as early as possible yeah get out

The thing is, man, that girl, there's a guy out there that finds her to be the hottest girl in the world. Yeah. And there's a girl out there that you're going to find to be the hottest girl in the world. And even those two people are like better matches than you even realize that you have right now. You're stopping both of your happiness. Yeah. I've been in this position too. I have. I've been with somebody, you know.

hilarious, like, great hang dude. Yeah. Like, connected on a deep level. We dated. I used to cornhole that tight, that tight little pink bubble gum. I would look up at him from the perspective of his dick that's never seen him. I,

I'm looking at him. Clear vision, you know. It's small, but I can see it. Right, you can see it. You can see it. You can see it. Fully tippy-toed. It's small. I've never said it was tippy-toed. On its tippy-toes, it's six inches. True, true.

I've been there and I would talk to friends just like you're asking right now. I would ask friends. I'd be like, does it matter? And I was hoping that they would say no. But they all said, yeah, it does, man. Not only does it matter, and it's like, I'll take it a step further. It's not just finding them physically attractive, but who...

whoever you, even if you actually, you actually might not even need to find them that attractive, but if you love fucking that person, that takes it to the next level. Like, there could be something that you're like, she's cute, I like how she, I'm not, I think she's cute, I think she's hot, but it's not, like, my thing. But if you guys have incredible chemistry, like, the girls that I'm hung up on the most, I found myself, the girls I find myself thinking about are the ones that just fucked the best.

I hate, or that I, I hate to, that's just, unless it was like a super deep relationship. And a lot of times there's an overlap there because the reason I'm in a relationship with someone is because there was a good, there was good chemistry. Yeah. And so it's like, not only do you have to find them a child, you have to like fucking them a lot. Yeah. And those are two of the key things. Otherwise she's just your friend. Now what you have going for you here is that now, now I guess I'm generalizing here, but I do feel like

I do feel like women are sometimes more open to being friends with someone they've dated. Like, if you just want to be... If you're not attracted to her and you just want to be friends...

That might be on the table. Not right away. Yeah, it takes some time. Especially if she's in love with him. Right, and he's like, oh, yeah. She's in love with him. It would crush her to, like, be a... Too much of a pudgy whore for me to really settle down. But I'm talking to this new cuter girl. She's not going to be your buddy and, like, talk about that stuff. Definitely not about that stuff. Not anytime soon. Right. But I think that's pretty possible. It's possible. Yeah. Yeah.

But, yeah, I don't think you can continue, unfortunately, man. No, no, no. This is one of the easiest questions to be able to answer. Yeah, it's tough, but it's true. Elvis, how about a quick one to get these boys home? You know, we're burning the fuck night oil over here. Yeah, both ends, dude. This is a Stavi's World After Dark. Saving the goddamn world. Hey, Stavi, I love you.

Not necessarily a problem, just kind of want some advice. I plan on proposing to my girlfriend in November. She's the love of my life. I can't believe she's even with me.

The thing is, I want to do it at a restaurant. I want to know, is that too cliche to do or is that still cool? At a restaurant? At a restaurant. That's all I got. I want to do it there. Longhorn Steakhouse. I got

I got no real two-word answer for you. Any restaurant. Yeah. Really? Yeah. We're going to a fucking Panera Bread. Not even a surprise. I'm going to tell her ahead of time. We're going to Panera. I'm going to propose a Panera. We're going to Chili's. We're going to fucking Chili's. We're going to fucking... Yeah, one of those McChickens doesn't have the spicy sauce because it's going to have a ring in it. Yeah.

Yeah, does your blizzard taste a little different? Scoop it out of there and give her the ring because it won't fall out of the blizzard. You know, I asked for a very special mix-in. A few jokes and dyes. I wonder why he wants it to be at a restaurant. And he hasn't even specified the restaurant. Can I tell you what I'm thinking here?

I think what this guy is thinking... Because he's asking, is this cliche? And I think what he's imagining is so cliche that he thinks by saying restaurant, we all know what he means. Like, I think he thinks...

Fucking fancy restaurant. White tablecloth. White tablecloth. It's in the champagne. In the champagne. I think that he is thinking how sitcom characters propose, right? Yeah. And to that I say don't do that. The answer is yes, that is cliche. Yeah. The answer is the staff at Outback Steakhouse do sing a special song when you propose. Yeah, yeah. Just keep that in mind. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Get a blooming... Imagine proposing after eating a blooming onion. One of the blooming onions. So, look, now having said that,

A restaurant is so general that it doesn't necessarily have to be cliche. Yeah. Right? You could, like, are you having a big party at a restaurant with your friends? Like, you know, I don't know what the fuck. You really didn't give us enough information here. If it's Red Lobster and it's in a Cheddar Bay Biscuit, that's a no. He's thinking like a Cipriani. It's like an Italian's idea of something cool. Yeah. Like...

Go with something more intimate. Fucking garbage, dude. I can smell the cologne on you. Now, is this a restaurant that means something to you guys? Do you have memories here? It's possible. It's just you're really not giving us enough information. It's the restaurant where you first met and you're going to duplicate the meal that you had. They should give you head in the closet in one of these restaurants. Right. I would say if too cliche is a concern and it's like the restaurant where you went on your first date, don't do that. That's a cliche within a cliche.

Right, true. If you want to do something more original, go do something else. Yeah, yeah. I just think you need to figure out, you want a little personal touch, and you don't, you know, and you don't want to like, it doesn't have to be too well trodden. But it's also, you don't have to overthink it. Do something, here's the thing, something that means, that's meaningful to you guys. This is going to be a nice picture, because this is about the picture, right? Yeah. And that's it. My brother proposed that like a,

Where the fuck was he? Like, my brother, like, his now wife, he enlisted a friend, and they went on, like, a walk on, like, some, like, nature, some bullshit, you know, some park or something. It looks nice. And then he just kind of, like, popped out of the grass. He, like, popped out of the tall grass. Yeah. He kind of surprised her. In a ghillie suit. Yeah. Hilarious. He crawled. And that was cute. That was really nice. She was, like, she was completely taken aback. She didn't have any...

If you didn't have any idea that it was going to happen, that was not, you know? It was like, yeah, I had her best friend involved. Like, find a little detail, you know, whatever, and you're good to go. It is all about the picture, though, isn't it?

It's a lot about the picture. It's about the moment number one, but the picture is the second. I mean, I'm saying in the culture nowadays, it's all about the picture. I've always been partial to the idea of just proposing just the two of you, someplace where it's only the two of you. Love that. No publicity, no fanfare. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Act like you've been there before. Hand the ball to the referee. No need to do a touchdown dance. An American Ninja Warrior course and she has to go retrieve it to prove that she's worthy of marriage. Yeah, you end up marrying a 4'11 Chinese guy who beats the course. 6% body fat.

I think the answer is, like, is it too cliche to her? Because, like you said, it's about the picture, which means it's about her. The picture is her moment. It's her moment. Kind of the girl's moment. She's been practicing that look for a long time. Yeah. And it's this restaurant that you're referencing, her dream moment when it can happen. In which case, that's the perfect place to do it. Yeah. Is your girl corny? Yeah.

If she's corny, you can do something corny. Is she a corny type bitch? Both corn balls. Yeah. Because that's fine if she's corny, you know, but it is about her and it's about you the moment. And after all that, it's a little bit about the picture and shit like that. Are you thinking about putting a ring on a corny type bitch? You got to check yourself, bro.

Eldest, did we do two on this? What are we at? We're at 152. Wow. Just short, fellas. Kings. You know? Short kings, man. Yeah. Couple hard cops. Five-seven brethren. Yeah, dude. My childrens. We got Just Penis McDade freed from his Patreon cage. He's free. He's out. Go see both these boys.

Evan, anything you want to plug for the people? I got a special coming soon. Come back on. When you're plugging it, come back on. You can just follow me. It's Evan Williams. Instagram, TikTok, all that stuff. All that good stuff. We didn't even get into how Evan accidentally became a TikToker during the pandemic. Oops.

That's next time. Stumbled into that one. We'll get into his gorilla brother, which he does have. That's just a true fact. Oh, yeah, the little gorilla. Juan, man. Yeah. Cool.

Quan, dude. He has a brother, Gorilla. Born the same day. He's an accidental TikToker. There's a lot to this guy we haven't even gotten into. Plus more cocaine stories. There's a lot more cocaine stories. So Evan will definitely be back when he's doing the special. JP, where should the people find you? Follow you, of course. McDadebaby on Instagram. Yeah.

At JP underscore McDade on Twitter. And search me on YouTube. Subscribe to my YouTube channel. I post a lot more shit there. Subscribe to his YouTube for sure. Get the tubes up. Both incredibly funny guys. Two of my favorite pink dick bastards in the whole damn world. Go follow these guys. Support them. And that's going to do it for us, guys. See you next time. Bye-bye.