#33 - Andrew Santino
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Welcome everybody to Stop This World. So excited. We have a great episode. You're going to love it. Before we get to it, though, I have a couple announcements. I want you to know about my dates. I want you to know about some of our beautiful sponsors. But I had to play the music. Last time we did no music, we almost had a mutiny on our hands. So come see me live. The fall tour kicks off in London.

Then we're going to Cincinnati. Yeah, from London to Cincinnati, big drop off in terms of metropolitan cities. But I love you, Cincy. Keep buying tickets.

Cincinnati, Columbus, Cleveland, Ohio, big shows with Baltimore, Detroit, Grand Rapids, Philly. Then I'm in Florida, Orlando, Tampa, Miami, not Miami, Fort Lauderdale, Milwaukee, Kansas City. And we wrap up the tour in New York at the Beacon Theater. So grab those tickets at Stavi.biz.

And I love seeing you here on the internet, but I'd love to see you in purses. Guaranteed. Now, Elders, hit him with the music again. Fuck it. Buh-bye!

Oh, baby, welcome to Stavi's World. We are here in beautiful, bright life from Santorini, Greece. We're not the usual home studios, folks, you can tell. You know, we're doing a little Hollywood business. Call me Hollywood House. We're at the beautiful, all things comedy studios. But we've made it feel like home here. It feels nice. It feels different because I have a competent producer. Aaron, if you want to just...

Take this. Hi, everybody. Fade it out beautifully. Listen to this fade. Listen to this fade, guys. Oh, never mind. Fuck, I was gonna pay you a compliment. I was really looking forward to working with a non-Albanian producer.

Oh, there it is. It's gone now. I was really planning to make you like the beautiful counterpart to our moron Eldis. But, you know, you've set up such beautiful things. This green screen, Eldis could never have done it. It is nice, though. Everything but the fade out. It turns out no producer can fade out the music the way you want it. That's fine. You live, you learn. I guess, unfortunately, I've begrudgingly realized I maybe took Eldis...

slightly for granted in one arena only because everywhere else he is a big piece of dumb shit but we're very happy to be here in the studios while I'm trying to get in the show business Illuminati you know put me in some let me be the dumb neighbor in a sitcom you know let me be the fat guy in a romantic comedy who the two protagonists

You know what? Let's get our guest in here because I think he's going to like to riff on this. So I'm very happy. I want to introduce my boy, the beautiful Andrew Santino. Thank you. Also coming live from Greece here. As you can see right here, look at they ring the bell every time a kid is touched in the church below. We are off that. We do. That's ancient Greece. Modern Greece. One of the least molesting types of people. Oh really? Is that a fact? We

Because our priests, and I've said this before, our priests, they get a wife. Oh, yeah, you're allowed to get a wife. You're allowed to get a wife. That's cool. Yeah, it's pretty nice. But do they? Do some of them still do the whole, like... I think maybe some traditionalists. Yeah. If they're really... There's probably, yeah, being old-fashioned in Greece means molesting. It means, like, wearing a toga. If you're old-fashioned, you're just in the closet touching kids. You know, that's the nice thing. I do think it's a pretty sexually free...

Society so you don't really have to molest in Greece and their fucking ghosts God bless You know I think a lot of the mountain guys that maybe would molest if they didn't have access to livestock Mm-hmm. They got it. Well, then what's the issues for Ireland because they love they love to molest and wild stock. Yeah I don't know they double-dip those guys they double-dip and I double-dip in I've got two appointments today

One at the church, one at the farm. Bad boys out there, dude. That is tough. You're trying to get in the Hollywood cabal? Is that what you're saying? I'd love to. I'd love to get in the cabal. I would love to. Like I was saying, I'd love to be the fat neighbor in a sitcom. I'd love to be, like in a romantic comedy, when the two protagonists finally get together, I would love for them to bump into me at a coffee shop. The girl is acting sheepish, and the guy's like, what's going on here? And she's like...

we used to hook up and that's like a deal almost a deal breaker forms I can't fuck him yeah you know that argument I'm like I look fat as shit I'm yeah well hey what's up Sandra you know I'm fucking chocolate dripping down my cheeks I'm like farting in Shin right how could you fuck that and it has this this whole argument I'm in there for a scene I'm funny for a scene I'm out yeah you know and then the two beautiful people I I promote I promote I provide the dramatic

You know, what leads them to break up and then eventually come back together. You're the end of act two, basically. I'm the end of act two. Let me be the end of act two. Just let me be the end of act two. Because the guy can't imagine a world where this hot girl fucks me. You know what it is? Which I do. I think I have maybe played that...

role in certain people's lives. In real life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've done that in real life. I've probably done that in real life. Where guys are like, that dude? Oh, 100%. But then the girl goes, yeah, that dude. Yeah, and she laughs. You left good memories. Yeah, of course, of course. But you have to pretend like it was a mistake. Remember Californication?

The Covney? Yeah. They should remake it with you. I'd love that. Because he's like this, like his wife, I think the story was like... He's a sex addict, right? But his wife cheated on him, I think, and that justified to him all of his...

Think that's what it was. I don't really remember, but I never was I never saw it But I believe Susan Sarandon's daughters tits are out in it in an episode really and I only know that because I saw the stills and I was like damn that girl has some big titties who's her daughter just a girl with big Well here's the thing I saw a pair of titties on the internet somewhere sure right and then I like a bloodhound and

Had to sniff the trail, see where they led to, see where they got to. And it turns out they were from Californication. And I was like, who is this fucking lady? She's awesome. I believe it was Susan Sarandon's daughter, which, let's just say, the titties run in the family. They do. Because those are some of the best. To this day, I don't want to be disrespectful, Susan, but you know what I mean? What do you got to lose? Great cans. I would love, imagine if I, no, I would love to, what I want to get out of my trip is, she doesn't live in L.A., does she? Or does she? Mm-hmm.

I would love to get out of this ship. I would love to be act two in a romantic comedy, and I would love to have a tryst with Susan Sarandon. Ooh. You know? Respectfully, Susan. Respectfully. Respectfully. I want a courtship. Right. You see how my demeanor's changed the way I talk about Susan? Yeah, when you talk about Susan, it all switches. It all switches up. I want to go on a nice, chaste walk, get to know each other. Like a hike? I don't know about a hike. I'm not good on inclines. I got...

I need to impress this woman. I need to be sweating. I need to be taking a break every fucking 10 seconds. I like if you do a hike with her, but you have to get helicoptered up so you only go down.

Yeah. It's a dissension hike. If you're a fat man, never plan a date uphill. Let me tell you that much. Down only. I need a slight, a slight degrading. Slight decline. Slight decline is beautiful because no one feels the decline. And you look taller when you walk downhill. That's true. Because your back is a little straighter. She should be a little in front of me and look back. She should be backpedaling. So I look two inches taller. Yeah.

But yeah, I want to go on a beautiful romantic walk. I want to take her to some fine dining. See, you are a romantic. This is the thing. If your titties are big enough, I'm a romantic.

If you're a legendary actress with beautiful politics who supported Bernie and you have big ass titties. You're in. I'm in. I'll fly you to France first class. We'll have coffee at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I could see you genuinely ending up with someone much older than you. I could see that myself. Class wise. Just because you want the experience, the intelligence.

I'd love that. Like an older woman seems like your vibe. I think I'm a, you know, that's interesting. At minimum your age is what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Like I think at minimum your age, but you like a woman who's like established, who's got their shit, right? I do like that, yes. Who knows what they're talking about all the time. I have in the past been attracted to someone who is hot and also like very driven. I do find that actually very attractive. That's what I'm talking about. And that usually ends up being some woman that's got her own thing and she probably doesn't have time for you, which is kind of hot. I love that. Oh, I would love that.

someone like that. She's like, I would see you, but you know I'm leaving first thing in the morning for Prague and you're like, oh, amazing. And I'm like, please, I want to be the one. It's like, come on. Please, take me with you. Yes. Like an art dealer. Like an art dealer. Like one of those sex slaves with a little bit of gray or just fully gray, but they're still like. She's got the glasses that match her outfit every time. Love that, dude. And wears always funky shoes and cool stockings and shit. I know who this is. Because the thing is, I think I'm destined to be lifted. In my heart, I'm still absolute trash.

Yeah, that's fine. I am destined to be lifted up and provide a little bit of blue-collar work

Comedic relief, you know, we're on this stuffy world I'm a nice change of pace for this for this silver fox, but titty still big by the way Let's just get one thing clear folks Stacks gray hair. Yeah stack. That's the bottom line. That would be awesome. You're like intelligence driven Yeah, no, I could see my dependent. Here's the thing though stack. Here's the thing. I it would be insane for me to

to be like, a woman's gotta have a certain physical thing for me to end up with her because there's no woman on earth who when she sits down, blank canvas and says,

describe your perfect men, there's not one that describes me. No, that's not true. There's not a single one. That's not true. It's just like fattest shit. No. Balding hair, balding long hair. How about sweet, thoughtful, funny? No, no, all those things. But if in a perfect world. Yeah, but nobody's drawing their perfect person. That doesn't exist. But that's. Otherwise, no men would never get married. Sure. But no one picks us.

We're, you know, like a colander for, you know, like a gold sifter. Sure, sure. Ooh. Yeah, you're going to have to, like, let some things go at some point. Alcoholism. All right, let that go. Spending all your money on Fortnite skins. Right, right, right. Like that getting your, yeah.

Getting your credit card. Yeah, playing video games till 2.30 in the morning. Stuff like that. It's like eating when you shouldn't. Eating stuff you shouldn't. Yep. Somehow getting your debit. Saying fucked up shit to my parents. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah. Arguing with my dad about the Bud Light campaign. It's like that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Agreeing with your dad on the Bud Light campaign. Yeah.

But anyway, my point is, obviously, you know, I am very open to whoever I end up with because I need a woman who's also very open to the physical attributes. I think probably personality-wise, yes, someone would sketch me out. In fact, if that wasn't the case, I'd be fucked big time. You'd be in deep shit. I'd be fucked big time. But all I'm saying is she...

The beautiful Silver Fox art collector does not have to have huge titties. That's all I'm saying. Now, would I be mad if she did? LAUGHTER

It's a good bonus. It's an added bonus. It's a fucking bonus. Wait, but you said before we started the show that you're going to switch up your health next year. Next year is the year of Stavi. Yeah, I love this because people are going to have a great time in the comments being like, he's been saying he's going to lose weight and he gets fatter every day. And

they're not wrong. But when people, it's almost like people don't want you sometimes to succeed in these routes because it's like Jonah Hill did all that stuff and fixed himself. Yeah. People were like annoyed with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People were like mad about it. They want me to be their little fat Sisyphus just like going back up to the top of the mountain that's Korean barbecue.

And I'm having way too much. It's like, I get healthy and then I trudge up the fat mountain and every little, there's like snacks on every part and instead of taking out my own liver, I just have a really decadent meal and get fucked up for six months on tour. Because that is what happens to me. I go on the road. So anyway, yes, what I was saying is this year I...

I have to stop myself from overworking. Because what's happened is it's been a great year. Salute. I'm very happy. Thank you to everybody who's bought tickets. The touring has gone crazy. I have some cool projects coming up. I have a special coming out. I did a lot in a year. And it just did... It does fuck up with...

When all your time is put towards your career, all your goals kind of, you know, disappear. And for me, what that means is, like, I just go right back to my unhealthy habits. So next year, the plan is to tour. I haven't announced it yet, but we're announcing it soon, to tour in the spring, in the winter, in the early winter, spring, like February through April. Yeah. And then actually fully...

I feel like every year I talk about taking a lot of time off. It never happens. In fact, the first time we met, when we did your pod, we had this exact... So that's why... Let's not spend too much on this because people will be like... Not only has he said this before, he said it... On my back. Yeah, yeah. They're going to just put these side by side. Put them side by side. It's the exact same narrative. Yeah, yeah. So in my... But it's going to happen. In my attempt to escape being fat Sisyphus...

I have just turned down a lot of opportunities next year to be like, no, I need this time to get healthy. But anyway. You'll do it. I'll do it. And not just get healthy, but find my art collector. Well, you know who was here. I'm surprised. When you said you're coming into town early, I thought, I know why, because Kamala Harris is here. I know you're on the hunt, too. Yeah, dude. You pig. I know you're on the hunt. Me and Kamala, a couple of Zannies and some white Zinn.

You know she goes buck wild after half a Xanny bar. Get her some Santa Margarita, bro. It's over, man. Doug Emrahoff or whatever the fuck his name is, he's not laying it down. He's not eating pussy with the kind of fervor that I am. Nah, man. That mouth? That mouth? That mouth? Magic. I would. And you see the difference between how I respect Susan and what I think of Kamala. I would smash Kamala.

It would be like you know what I mean? I'm well you're not gonna marry her No, I would make her wear a little cop outfit and be like fucking prosecutor fucking free the guys you get it fucking you get a black face And you're like put me away for life Yeah, is this what you want? I wipe it off you fucking bitch, and I really give it to her You thought you were gonna arrest a black guy. I wipe off the black face. I'm like no it's me, and I'm gonna fuck you now That's our role play prosecute this

Prosecute this. Prosecute this five and three quarters, not even that hard. Unless you really apply yourself. You're going to have to do a lot of the work. Are you a grower, not a shower? I am a neither. What is the outside? You're either a grower or a grower, not a shower. I mean, I suppose when your dick is so little when it's soft...

By default, you're a grower. Yeah. But it don't grow to nothing that crazy. But it still grows. Yeah, yeah. Yours gets smaller. My dick doesn't get smaller. Smaller would be great. Smaller would be great. You just have such a long, flaccid dick. And then it gets hard. And it sucks up.

That actually would kind of make sense because it gets denser. Yeah, that's actually true. Well, because then all the muscle combines. All that blood and muscle would combine. It would make a lot of sense. Yeah, this guy designed it wrong, this fucking bozo upstairs. Nice try, dude. Although I guess in some ways it's like a, you know, it is like it keeps it safer.

Closer to you is safer, for sure. There's probably like on the evolutionary tree, there was probably a version of like some monkey with just a fat cock. They kept like, he's in the trees and just like giraffes keep biting it, keep biting his soft cock off. And they never got to reproduce. So then the guys, the showers or the growers, they got to bust their little dicks. Yeah, they got to win. That's probably what it is. That's really smart. That giraffe cock. That's right. Just like, mong, mong, mong, mong.

And those guys are like, come on! Oh, my cock's gone. That's it. Dude, imagine being a monkey and having your cock bitten off. There's no way to, like, humans, we could, like, create art. You know what I mean? But they're right at the, they're almost smart. They're smart enough to feel a deep anguish that their dick is cut off. They understand pain. But not smart enough to, like, you know, express themselves. They're just depressed forever. Like a dumber animal, their cock gets bitten off. It's like, oh, that sucks.

They don't know any better. You bite a rabbit's dick off, it's still just eating spinach until it dies. Yeah. Until it bleeds out. Yeah. But a chimpanzee could probably figure out how to go on dickless. Yeah, but not creatively. Although, you know what? Although that would be the first artistic monkey. We should start ripping their dicks off and see what they make. See how fast it takes them to develop language? Yeah. When we take their dicks away. Yeah.

I've been reading the news recently. A monkey's just talking to you. That's the real how Planet of the Apes started. Right. It's a fucking race of eunuch monkeys that are mad. Although I wonder if he would just... Because the other thing is...

Chimps are pretty resourceful. I wonder if he would just... Super resourceful. I wonder if he would just like... Rip off another chimp's dick and try to put it back on his own. I guarantee that's the first step. They would... And try to put someone else's dick on theirs. Because they're aggressive as shit. They're violent, dude. They're so violent. Well, and they know to rip dicks off. 100%. Yeah.

Yeah, they know defense mechanisms. They absolutely know about... They have the exact same thing that humans have when it comes to... Like, except for fight or flight, they're almost always fight. Yes. We're a lot more flight. We're pussies. They're almost always fight. Their instinct is, this is it, I'm going to die. I have to go for it. So for sure, in a chimp fight, there's been a dick ripping. There's no doubt in my mind. No, no, it's like documented. When they attack...

They rip their dicks off. They rip their dicks off. But I'm saying, I wonder if they rip each other or they just do it to us because they know that we're weak. Yeah, what happens when a chimp get... There's got... We got to do some research. Come back next time, guys. We definitely got to do some research on this. What happens when... On chimp dick ripping. Yeah, what happens when a chimp...

Gets its dick ripped off but survives. I mean when you see those does it become a girl and chimp is a transition chimps Yeah, there's got to be true. That would be awesome. That would be a nice. That would be a nice Argument against to everyone who's saying being trans unnatural It's like it's very not even fucking the animal king the guys that came before us. Yeah And see there are animals that just become trans and

Like, for survival, I believe. It's got to be. There's a ton of animals that switch up. Yeah, they'll do anything. Well, there's tons of animals that are, what is it? Like... Hermaphrodites? Yeah, hermaphrodites. That's what it is. Yeah, there's so many of them. Or they can switch their genitalia. You know, that's a real thing. Which is cool. A genitalia jump would be amazing. Yeah. Think if you could just have a pussy for a day. Just to check it out. Just to check it out. And then go back in a week or two if you feel like it. That would be actually really cool. If you just push your dick in.

Because I don't want to be trans mostly because... I mean, a couple reasons, but it seems... Mostly because... Mostly because of how... Like, I haven't even considered it because it's so, like, final, right? But if it's, like...

If it's like putting on a little costume and you just press a button and your dick just, like one of those old toys where you could flip the head. And now like Superman is Clark Kent. You know what I mean? He's got the glasses on now. You know what I mean? Remember those X-rays where the chest was so huge so that it could fit a head? Yeah, it bent down into itself. Yes, yes, yes. If you could do that, that would be, I think a lot of people would give it a whirl. Yeah. And I think that, yeah. But it's not in the cards for you. No.

And don't take any offense to this. You would not be a pretty woman. No, no, no, no, no. And I don't want to. I mean, I got lucky that I do. You look like a great guy. I love being a guy. It's nice. It's not going to change. Trust me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think that. Although you might dominate college softball. Nah, bad shoulder. We'll get you Tommy Johns and we'll fix you right up.

Yeah, I feel bad for the trans community because it's so hard like that's what's interesting is like people that would congratulate you on weight loss Hmm are like like the most macho like you know like just like bro, bro, bro Dude good for you. You're not fat anymore. You made a lifestyle change like that's just me eating a little less and moving around Yeah, you know how much harder it is to be trans. I

That's a much bigger lifestyle change. And just as an accomplishment, you'd think those guys would be like, now that's a serious body transformation. Right. You know what I mean? You'd think those guys would be like, good for you. Yeah, yours is simply stopping a sixth meal. Yeah, yeah.

Just not going in for six. Yeah, let's dial it back to four meals. Can we do that? Four meals, three snacks. Let's take out one of those snacks. Just clip one snack and you're good. Yep. Not a hard thing to do. Not a hard thing. But they probably have to lose weight. They have all these surgeries, all this. The drugs. Yeah. The chemicals, the hormones, the testosterone. It's so much work. Dude. It's so much harder than losing weight. I don't even want to take a multivitamin. Yeah.

I can't, I can't stick with a vitamin. I fuck, I fuck up every, every few months. I start with like a pro and prebiotic and then I'll go for like two weeks and be like, fuck, I forgot the thing when I'm on the road and then I'll stop doing it. Just done. I give it up. I do that with every product I try to buy. It's the same thing with like, uh, um, one of the cast members on Dave Christine, who is so sweet. She got, she gave us like this beautiful skin package. She's gorgeous Asian with like perfect skin. She's like, it can kind of help you. Yeah.

Yeah, you're fucked. Yeah, and I tried for like three days, and then you do the thing. You're like, it's a routine. I'll try it. No, no.

I'd fucking dump it after five days. It's impossible. I can't do it. Yeah. I have no... Routine in life to me is work. That's it. I hate it. I hate routine. It's work. I would feel so bad at it. So anyway, that's just a little... Just a little tidbit about the earth. Just a little... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tidbit about what's going on. Chip's getting the dicks ripped off. Yeah. It's how much harder it is to be trans than to lose weight. And then people that are...

Like, if you start fat guy and then you lose weight and transition at the same time, you deserve some kind of plaque. Time magazine. Double. Doubling it up. That's fucking awesome. You're making the paper. That's fucking sick. You're definitely making the paper. Big respect. Can you address a rumor that I've heard about you? Sure. Yeah. Was it your cocaine in the White House? It was. Yeah. People do want to know. I mean, the Internet's abuzz. I was in there. I was in there. Me and Dr. Jill Biden.

Oh, you and the doc? Dr. Jill. The fact that they're trying to make it seem like it's a negative that Hunter was getting yacked out at the White House is so stupid. It sounds so much more fun than what's really going on at the White House. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You mean party, finally? Yeah. In that boring, stuffy, bullshit, aristocratic fucking numb hall of nothingness? They should let you do coke. I think they used to have parties in there. Yeah, but I mean, they can't. Back in the day. Yeah, but the parties they do, they'd like, you know, sacrifice a child. Yeah, yeah.

They'd play games with people's teeth. You know what I mean? It was all sad and weird. Having a little bump of a yak and going out on the patio and waving to the press.

Pretty cool. I mean, pretty fucking cool. Yeah, it is. Pretty cool for him to be out there wiping his hair, being fucking yoked out of his... I thought that was rad. Just doing this. Yeah. And if Biden had a sense of humor and just be like... That would be awesome. Yeah, it'd be the most American thing. Yeah. It'd be the most American thing to just...

make a little lightheartedness of the chaos. It happens. It's also the thing about Hunter that you have to respect is that he's not costing the taxpayer money. He's not taking any of his dad's special Adderall. No. You know whenever he's got to do a speech, that guy is on some kind of cocktail that we can't even imagine. To bring him back to life, he's probably in a chamber before every public appearance.

And then they fucking stab him in the heart. And he's just like, for two hours. It's alive! For two hours, he's just like ready to go, giving a speech, whatever. Hunter is a drug addict. To stick with his own cocaine and crack, instead of stealing the American taxpayers, like super, super, super Vyvanse that they give Joe Biden. You know,

Hunter on that would be the limitless pill. You know what I mean? That's a lot of self-esteem or self-control to bring your own drugs. I think it was, I award it heavily. Go off. Go do your thing. Have fun hunting. Take a bump. You think the Bush crew wasn't bumping? Come on, dude. They just knew how to finish it and clean up.

Absolutely. That's the thing. You saw 9-11. They knew how to clean it up. That's the problem is that you do lack some discipline with Joe Biden as the, everyone takes their cues from the leader. That's right. And he's a little, you know. Sloppy poppy. A little sloppy, a little, you know, lost a step. You know, Joe was doing some stuff. He was back in the day. 100%.

100%. Yeah. So anyway, I'd like to clear that up. And I would chill with Hunter. I'm sure he's done some horrific shit. Absolutely. Sure. Yeah. Every time I see... Because I don't follow the news like that anymore. And every story I see, I'm like...

Pretty fucking cool. Pretty cool. I know there's probably more details about Hunter, and he's probably done some not-chill stuff. Sure, sure, sure. If I had to guess. Yeah. But he's doing 170 and smoking crack. Pretty funny. Pretty funny, dude. What are you doing if you're that guy? His dad is in the White House right now. It's not like a years later thing. It's not like a... Present, currently. Right now, he's smoking crack, and he keeps taking...

pictures of himself smoking crack. And video. Video is even funnier. And he was getting, yeah. Video is so definitive. It's not even like that picture was doctored. It's like that video. It's him, dude. He's like holding a newspaper the day. Hunter Biden here, dude. It's got his face on it.

They think that was mine, dude. It wasn't. No, I do respect the... I mean... Have fun, Hunt. Always, anyone super successful does... It's one of the most tried and true thing of having a fucked up son. It's like either the... Very rarely is the like... Are both the parent and the kid like successful people. Never. Almost never. I broke the mic, by the way. It's all right, buddy. We'll figure it out. Can you do this all right? Hold on. I got it. Do you think you can persevere? Yeah, let's see it.

It was kinda on there, real janky. Hold on, we're gonna do it. I love this. You got it. Oh, you're putting it back on. Wow, you know... I got it, look at the skill level. I got it. You just got it, Aaron, don't worry. Should've bolted these in, all things comedy. Each passing time, you know, I really was looking at this as an opportunity to shit on Eldis, but Aaron has blown it with the mic stand as well. Yeah, what are you guys doing not bolting these to the table?

What is Bill Burr doing over here? We gotta be versatile. Just screw it down. I'm sorry, Aaron. You don't deserve that. Needs to be versatile. There's probably a whole microphone screwing guy that fucked this up. Yeah, there is a guy upstairs. Yeah. Who's like, fuck, I'm gonna get fired. Yeah, I hope so. That's all he's thought about. I hope you get berated by Bill himself. It's beautiful to see you in Greece, by the way. I know. Isn't this nice? Isn't this a gorgeous background? You gotta take me. I do want to go with you. Let's go, brother. But I want to spend time on a boat with you in Greece. Okay.

I would love it if I had any sort of power at all and money, like in that way that I could get a boat together with a bunch of young, beautiful women and just document you on it. I'd have a reality show. That would be cool. You out at sea. And they're all, yeah, that would be sick. This started as me showing you something, and then that's what a kind guy you are. Yeah. And we're going to do some screening. These have to be chubby chasers.

100%. You know? What are we talking about? Just me in paradise. Me living my Hunter Biden dreams. Yeah. Let's be honest, probably sex workers here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I said reality TV. What are we talking about? Which I'm a big fan of, by the way. Yes. That's my theory. Shout out to all hoes everywhere. My theory is that most people on reality TV are sex workers. Yeah. Of some kind. Okay. Yeah. Because at some point you have to transition. From reality TV? When the show isn't going, you got to get only fans. You have to sell the thing. I think a nice percentage. Especially if you're hot. I think a nice percentage do. But some people aren't built for it. It's tough.

Yeah, I know. You're on OnlyFans, aren't you? I'd love... You would clean up. If my dick was bigger, I would be naked every day. See, but I think you're wrong here. Why don't you just put your regular dick on OnlyFans? It's not... It doesn't... You would be a hero for regular dick guys. I bet you guys would sign up just to go right on. That's the one... That's the one hurdle to body positivity. I'm still... That's my Everest. Once I post my fucking soft little ass dick... Yeah. Also, again, I'm too fat right now. I think if I maybe cut down a hundo...

Because your dick looks a lot better when you're not as fat. Would you go full frontal on television or film? Yeah, absolutely. You would? I tried to get my balls in a project I worked on this summer. But you got great balls, I bet. I have big, fat balls. That's what I am. Regardless of your dick, I bet you got wonderful balls. Oh, nice balls. Big, beautiful balls. No, no. I've said it before, but multiple women I've hooked up with have complimented my balls, which is both cool about my balls and also means my penis is atrocious. Because...

Because there's clearly a part you should be complimenting. But maybe some girls just like the balls. They have talked about how it's a nice, you know, if you're going from behind. Show me in your hand how big one ball is. Just show me in the hand. You know, they're pretty fast. That's together or one nut? I would say one nut is like this.

Like a nice lime. That's pretty big. Like a nice lime. That's a big ball. No, I have fat nuts. I have very fat nuts. But again, a little penis. Which, you know... Who gives a shit? Look, functionally I'm over it, and in my life it doesn't matter. But to photo... If...

I had a bigger penis it would be out every day and you're right I need to work towards posting my cock you do it I need to work that Eric Andre does it all the time but he's got a nice one but see but this needs to be the breaking point of our community and our culture

Regular to small penises should also be celebrated. If they're going to do that with bodies and swimsuit issue and all that stuff, and they're like, we want Down syndrome models. We want obese models. Why can't there be regular to small regular? That's like the lower middle class. They're not showing cock that much, though, is the thing. Yeah, but they should. Why don't they show cock? I don't get it. They're starting to show cock, but that's a good point because there was a big...

After... I feel like Game of Thrones, the first season, every woman was naked. And then to kind of... Balance it out. Balance it out. They started showing more cock. But all the cock was big. Yeah, they didn't show small dick. And then Jason Segel's cock, he showed it in... I love you, man. Uh...

forgetting Sarah Marshall. Oh, you're right. But he's got a nice cock. Maybe he did show in I Love You Man as well. I feel like that guy was like... There's that deleted scene where Paul Rudd sucked his cock on camera. And Paul Rudd's going like, just like doing sit-ups on his dick. Aren't I handsome? Yeah, he's doing it quirky. He's doing it like... He rolls his eyes out. And he still gets a laugh. It tested so well. Everyone's like, I like the part when Paul Rudd sucked his cock. We're not going to put it in, but...

It was really good. But yeah, I think you're right. That is, and it's good that we noticed that on this episode. Yeah. We have to clear that hurdle of body positivity. Yeah, show a regular to small dick. So I'm going to put, I'm going to do my 2024 vision board right now. Yeah, put it out. And it is lose some weight, I would get healthier, whatever. I'm not going to post-cock 2024. No. But I'm going to prepare to post-cock in 2025.

I have to get all my ducks in a row. Yeah, you do. You know, really just like take some test photos of my cock. Right. Soft and hard. But I went in a movie. So if somebody wants to cast me, I'll show my little ass dick. You will? I will. Is it, have you ever sunned it?

Put it in the sun? I did actually. So I just shot the 2024 calendar, actually. That's one of the reasons I'm here. That's right. I got the old one hanging up in the studio. We'll get you a nice one for the new year. Thank you. And there was a shot. I don't want to give too much away, but I was sunbathing fully nude. And it was a hot L.A. day. And my cock, I was like, I might burn this bad boy. Like, it was sizzling. And you know what? I think that's part of the reason we have foreskins.

Because... To protect the head. Because my... No foreskin. No foreskin. My head is chapped right now. Wait, you have foreskin or no? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you do. If I don't have one, I'm fucked big time with my dick in the sun. Right, you can't pull it back. You can't pull it back. So, another plus for the uncut community...

Big, you know, listen. Your dick would probably. Fry. Oh my God. Sizzling. Like bacon. Like a bratwurst. Where it's just so charred on the outside. The inside is just, the meat's not even juicy anymore. No, no squirt. No. You don't get a single squirt when you bite into that. It's just a little bit of a snap. Yeah. Yeah, naked in the sun. Have you had like a really bad sunburn? What's the worst sunburn you've ever had? Multiple times. Yeah. I probably, I'm going to get one this afternoon when I leave. Yeah.

I had one in Hawaii when I, like in high school. And it was so bad I didn't leave the hotel for a whole day because I went out being like, what if I get, like I have Sicilian blood. I'm half Irish. That's so funny to say that about you. I can use a little bit of Sicilian. The way you look. To be like my Irish. First of all, your Italian blood has, I've never seen DNA more overpowered in my life. I know. There's no...

There is in no world... If your name's not Santino, do you understand? It's insane. It should have been McGillicuddy or McManus or Halloran. So hilariously Irish. I know. It's fucked up. I'm the poster child for Ireland, but when I... But there is something in your face where you don't have...

You can tell there's something else there, but it's so, even that, it's like, it's overpowering your brain. Yeah, because the red is so red. You're so red, you're freckly, you know what I mean? I know. Look at the arms are freckled city. The arms are fucked up. But I'll get a little bit of color. It's just I avoid it now because I don't want fucking more skin cancer. Oh, you'll get so much skin cancer. I don't want it. I'm like, I'm out. I just, I can't, like, I don't even want to deal with it. My mom used to. Is your mom a redhead? No.

No. No Reddit and your dad is the Sicilian? Sicilian, yeah. Because he was the one in jail? He gets dark. Prison. Prison. Prison. Prison. Okay. Prison. Yeah, jail. Everyone's gone to jail. I've gone to jail.

Nah, prison, dude. The good one. Nice. The real bars. Does he have any redhead in him and his family? No. No. Just the Irish dominated. So it was the Irish. So yeah. So for you to think that your Sicilian blood would just kick in when the sun comes out, like you're Superman, you need the sunlight to fucking activate being Italian. Sicilian, activate. What the hell are you doing over here? Get these fucking minorities out of my neighborhood. Back off.

This is, we live here. No, I got sober. Oh, no, it's overcast. It's overcast. And then you're like, oh, I'm so sorry to say that to you, fellas. Move wherever you want. Cloud goes away. Oh, what the fuck are you still doing here? Don't you know what hood you're in? Ours, pal. Overcast. No problem. Move your stuff in immediately. I'll help you move in if you'd like. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Would you like some music while you move in? That's why I didn't understand why I was never cast in The Irishman. I thought that's a perfect movie for me. Put me in The Irishman. An Italian-Irish kid? That was built for me. That's me. But again, you don't read. You read just Irish. I know. I read just Irish. Which, by the way, still waiting for a call from any sort of director in the cinema space about Ireland. The Banshees of Innishirin love that movie. Throw me in there. Throw my Irish-looking ass in there. But see, there is something American...

You don't look as downtrodden. I feel American. Yeah. There's a sadness to the Irish. Downs, main word there. A lot of the island. A lot of downstrodden over there. I don't think I've seen any. In my head, I'm not picturing too many Down syndrome Irish people. It's an island, buddy. They just ka-plunk right off the side. Kiss the Blarney Stone on the way down.

Once you've kissed the stone, you'll float away forever. Freedom for the Lord! Dude, terrible. You're about to be a leprechaun. I've never seen him either, actually. That's kind of fucked up. But I do have a, I could tell that I'd be, they wouldn't buy me as an Irish kid. Oddly enough, I've said this before, but whenever I go to Ireland, they think I might be British.

Because there's more people in Scotland and Ireland that have red hair than in Ireland, for sure. Scotland, maybe Scotland's it. Yeah, I look like one of those guys more. I don't fucking know. But I don't fuck with the Scots, man. They're cool, but also, don't think I'm Scottish. I'm Irish, for sure. Okay, okay, respect. Something about the Ireland, man. That island is so cool and tough. Well, yeah, they told England to suck their dicks forever. I love that shit. No, I do fuck with Ireland, for sure. Um...

But so, but you, so you have a little bit of that Irish pride. Your Irish mom raised you pretty much the whole, the whole. Yeah, she did. Yeah, she did. And then my family's my, the Irish family's huge. I mean, my mom's one of 10 kids. So like the network of, of those people that I was gathered with and their community was so rich. That's all I saw. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like that, that's my grandfather was a firefighter. Like be more fucking on the nose. Yeah. You know?

American Irish. Yeah, cops in the family, and they all lived in the same working class neighborhood. Nobody had money. Yeah, nobody had money. It was like, you know. The joke was, if the kids with all the uncles and aunts, like, if you didn't get there on time and you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat. So my mom and I, I adopted from her. Dude, I eat like a vacuum. It's embarrassing. People go out with us and they can't. Like, my mom is the same. She's like...

Because if you didn't eat, someone's going to fucking take your shit. No, that is a classic poverty. My little brother, my middle brother gets fucked because me and my... That was...

we were just fucking gluttons. So my family, for the same reason, it was like, my brother could never have leftovers. He never, when we got cereal from Costco, when we got the good shit, gone in like three days. You know what I mean? It was like, it was a race to who could get the good shit. Cause we knew it wasn't coming back for another like month. Like once the fruity pebbles are gone,

It's going to take another whole paycheck cycle. Yeah, before... Two paychecks before we go to Costco and you get a fucking family-sized thing of Pebbles. Yeah. No, it's fucked up. You got to knock it out. You got to knock it out while it's there. Absolutely. So you were... And you don't have any siblings that you do. Well, I have half. All halves. All halves.

I'm 101. I grew up with my half-sister. Gotcha, gotcha. Who's my mom and my stepdad's kid. Oh, okay. It's so funny. She's a baby sister to me, but she's 32, you know, or 31. Yeah, my brothers are 32, and they're two years younger than me. And I'm like, those are my little brothers. Yeah, mine's nine years, almost eight years and some change. So the gap is massive. Gap's big. Because I'm almost 40 this year. Ooh, the big 4-0. I know. What are we doing? Where are we going? You want to know? Yeah. Yeah.

Going to Cabo? Yeah. I made this deal with the cartel. I'm going to go down there and push. I'm taking a little trip to an island far, far away. Ooh. Yeah, I'm taking a little island trip. You're going to go to where they haven't met civilization yet, a bunch of little pygmies and loincloths running around? Ooh.

You got to learn their clicks before you land. They have arrows drawn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to know their clicks before. Yeah, I'm going to do a little island trip. Because I've been talking about getting away. Look, I was supposed to come to New York a while ago and stay for a while. I remember that, yeah. Things got chaotic. The tour got even thicker than I ever dreamed, which is great. So I was like, I got to leave. And then I got to go back at the end of the year. So it'll happen. It's just everything's been so like...

I don't know, man. It's so funny. It's like, you think you can predict your career and you think you can line it up. You can't. No. You can't. You absolutely never can. There's really nothing you can do except for you take the waves. What you're doing is smart is say yes to this chunk and then be like, no. Well, it's only because I said I was going to do that three times. And every time I said...

I said yes to less and less and less to where this time I'm like, like last summer it was like, I'm going to take six weeks off or two months off. And it became 10 days. And then the last time I was like, I'm going to take a whole month, you know, I'm going to take two months off in the between. And it became two weeks. Do you feel like you'd be bored anyway? No, no, no, no. I love doing nothing. And it's not even doing nothing. It's like, I would be working out like, here's the dream. What?

Workout yeah, right like workout cook and not like shop every day for like fresh ingredients make Healthy shit until your brain is reprogrammed to just be that's what you do now happy with healthy stuff No, I did that during the pandemic like I the health the happiest I was was the pandemic when I just worked out there was no stand-up you couldn't do stand-up and I would just like you know go on a date once a week, you know Have a nice young lady over watch a movie have a nice time

I would work out every day, I would write, you know, so it's like the dream is work out, cook my own nice meals, you know, watch movies. I've gotten really into movies. I want to make movies now. I'm trying to write stuff. And just like...

And also, I do miss, I would start to miss stand-up, but I miss doing stand-up the way when you're coming up where it's like, go do some spots, see your friends. Like, the road is lonely. So there's ways where I'm, I promise you I would not get bored. Okay. I dream about how not bored I would be and how much I would love it. But anyway, that's neither here nor there. We don't have to talk about it. Let's talk, I want to talk, fuck, we got to do some calls. Let's do some calls. You got to come back.

We didn't even get into... This is just us riffing, and I had all these questions I wanted to ask you about your fucked up family, about what a piece of shit you are. You know, just like, I watched the special and took notes on... Because you know a special, the jokes are good, but as a comedian, you're like you... Or anyone, sorry. I don't mean to do the thing where it's like, as wise, sage comedians... Yeah, like we are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate when people say civilian. One of the worst things in the world. Anyway, when you watch a special, there's a lot of setup to jokes, but it's like, you also see the...

the things that weren't addressed in the setup where it's like, "Ooh, I'd love to delve into this." You know, like there's a joke about your dad where you talk about like the wisdom he imparted on you, but like you also talked about how he tried over and over again to find a woman and never worked. And I was like, "Ooh, that's meaty. Let's get in there." You know what I mean? Or like, I love watching a special and then like being like, 'cause this happens to me where I start,

a joke and I want to talk about something but it's not immediately funny the way a different angle is so you take the funnier angle because in stand-up you gotta be laughs per minute you gotta get there yeah

And I know that for me, there's so much shit that I would love to talk about that I never get it. So anyway, you got to come to New York. We got to do this in the studio. We will. Yeah, 100%. But why don't we help someone? Let's take a call. 904-800-STAV, I believe, is the number. We don't know because I think I finally memorized it. Call in, folks. We'll solve your problems. We got to go cans.

Usually we got to go kids to hear our friends here. I like this. Andrew does have some wisdom. He has some of that weird Italian-Irish. And by the way, one thing I want to clear up before we go into the calls is we did a riff earlier where we pretended that the Irish were not as racist as the Italians with the whole son, you know. And I just want to, for the record, say he would still be racist as an Irishman. I would argue they'd be more racist. They would probably be more racist. Yeah. I would think the Irish guy...

But that was the bit. That was the bit. We just reversed it for the sake of the show. Let's be honest. There's no way Andrew's Irish cop Chicago uncles were not racist. Were? They just hide it better now. Price guaranteed. Let's do some calls, folks. Play us. Hit us with one, Big Aaron. Yeah.

Hey Stavi, big fan. So basically I've been seeing this one barber for like two plus years. I see her consistently like every single month, every haircut. I know her very well. She knows my dating life. I know about her kids and everything. We're pretty close. So anyway...

One day she was out and I got my haircut by another barber in the same shop and it was a lot better than her. Like it was the best haircut I ever got. And so I went back to her like a month later. She was like very audibly jealous. She was like, oh, your beard is like shorter than I would have expected. I was like, yeah, you know, you're out. And she was like, oh, you didn't like just wait for the next day. And so I don't know. Like I can't like...

Go to the new barber the guy I can't go to him because she still works in the same shop So it's kind of like dating. I just feel like I'm like dating somebody's like best friend. Yeah, I don't know Like what do I do? Am I overthinking it? So I just like go to the better barber or should I stick with like my usual barber or I don't know

What do you think? I think I actually have a solution here. Yeah. I think you have to try and fuck your barber. The guy? The girl. I think you should fuck the guy. You think you should fuck the guy? Well, then the girl has no right to be jealous anymore. We're lovers. Right, they're lovers. Right. So what you do is you fuck the guy barber, knock that out, then what the fuck is she going to say?

Is she... Well, she would probably ask for proof, so you've got to photograph yourself sucking his cock. I say videotape it. I think videotape the whole thing, set up a camera, set up an iPhone. Look, if you don't want to fuck him, at least blow him. Yep. You know, he gave you the best haircut of your fucking life. He deserves something for that. At least suck this guy for a couple seconds. Yeah. Accidentally text her and be like, whoa, whoops. Whoopsie-daisy. Whoopsie-daisy. Didn't mean to send that to you. The reason I think he should try and fuck the girl is because they have a relationship, right? Mm-hmm.

I think if he if he oversteps that boundary Right. You know, I just I'm in love. We've known each other for two years. I'm in love with you and We have to let me you know go in for a kiss or whatever and she'll say no probably she has kids they probably don't have a sexual relationship, but I

Either way, once it's like, you know how people talk about ruining a friendship? Yeah. When you try something like that, you could now ruin your barber relationship. Yeah, but how do you go back to the place where the guy still is? You got to make him make fun. Oh, you're right. No, you're right. They were in the same shop. You got to make this guy do home calls. That's it. You pay him a couple bucks extra to come to your house. You tell the girl you're moving. You're leaving town.

Tell her you're dead. You're dead. Just email her and go, hey, I'm dead. I'm going to kill myself. This week I'm killing myself. Just have the guy come to your fucking house. It would be cool to just threaten to kill yourself if she gets mad at you for switching barbers. If you don't let this man cut my hair, I'm going to kill myself. I mean, this is really tough. And, okay, here's another thing you could possibly try. Hmm.

You just might just have to change barbershops altogether. Dude, this is tough. Honestly, there's also like my barber. I just texted him this morning and he asked me to come to Malibu because he sometimes does it in Malibu on the weekends because they rent like a sexy beard. Yeah, yeah. No fucking way. I'm not driving. Get the fuck out of here. That's crazy. That's like me asking you, can you go out to the Hamptons for a haircut? Get fucked. Right, right, right. But he also did this thing where I got my hair cut or cleaned up when I was in Toronto and

This is how much of a wiener these people are he fucking texted me after seeing my Instagram story of me and Bobby like Backstage and was like get your hair cut in Toronto. Wow, dude. They know they're all like this They're they're all like they're so what is that like they want ownership over you like they want you just to be their client But you're like dude when I'm back in town, you'll cut my hair. Yeah, chill the fuck out. Exactly. I'm gone. What do you want? I'm just getting some side haircuts. Yeah I mean, it's like a marriage. It should be like a marriage in the 50s where

Where yeah, you fuck your barber when it's convenient right get a mistress whenever you want. I'm on the road It's not about you. Yes, the one you know what actually this I started this as a joke But I actually think it works as an allergy okay because in the 50s you're it was not a two-way relationship It was about what the man needed and wanted yeah treat your barber like a housewife from the 50s You need to step out and see another barber. That's none of her fucking business. I

You know what I mean? And if she doesn't like it, she can go... What, she's going to divorce you? She doesn't have that legal right. She can't open a bank account in her own name. Yeah, the barber can't control anything. The barber controls nothing. It is a service. And you just found out you have nothing to lose because the haircut's not even that good. That's right. You found a better haircut. That was one guy. What are the odds there's not a bunch of other guys that cut hair better than her? Do you know what I mean? So treat her... Like if she...

If she has a problem, be like, I don't fucking... Now, that's easier said than done. Of course. Because some people can't deal with the guilt. But there's other... I can tell this guy is not autistic because for this guy, he'd be like, oh, better haircut? I will switch barbers now. You know, it wouldn't even be a... That's where autism wins. It's a huge win. It's so literal. It's being alpha. It is a type of alpha for sure. It's the most alpha. Yeah. I like this more. An autistic person would be like, I'm not comfortable talking to you right now and walk away. Yeah.

That's the most alpha shit. You just fucking sung somebody like, oh, well, I guess fuck me. Yeah. And then just like do a Rubik's Cube. No, they'd solve it while they're looking at you. I don't really enjoy talking to you. And then walk away. Yeah, this is tough, too, because now I am one of these guys that had hair, didn't have hair. Now I'm back. But I don't get traditional haircuts. I just get my ends snipped a little bit because I'm trying to get a full bald pony.

So I don't have the traditional barber relationship that many have. But I am looking for it because we're getting to that stage where I think I need a professional involved to really get my curls popping. Yeah, well, look, the back is getting real long. Thank you. Yeah, it's looking fly. Look, to this guy, this poor gentleman, I just think you got to do the right thing here and just hire this guy and have him come to your house. Yeah, if he's open to that...

- 'Cause you gotta tell the girl, the woman that's been cutting your hair,

The performance... Look, you got to do a performance review. Ooh. Barbers should have performance reviews. That's true. You know what? She's the one who's fucking up here. Yeah, it's not his fault. You know? Oh, my son got sick. I had to take him to the ER. And now I missed a day. And now you have a better haircut. Whose fault is that, bitch? Yeah, your stupid fucking son. For whatever reason, she missed work that day. No, fuck that kid. Tell that kid to not be such a hypochondriac. She's the bad bar... I mean, she does this inferior thing. And it is a service. And you're a good guy for caring, my friend. That's right. But...

what are you gonna you gotta move on get a different get that go with the other barber go with the one you like the most and i would i would personally just take this i think the the yes the alpha move is just cheat on her with her best friend and look sometimes some those couples are some of the happiest people of all time yeah they blow up their whole lives

That's how good the pussy is that you're like, my whole life is ruined as I knew it, but I'm happy. And they have a family and they make new friends and they start over. You might have to do this with this barber. I think that's what's going to this guy's going to have to do. You don't have a choice, buddy. Now, if he doesn't do home calls...

I think you gotta look for a new barber completely. I say move out of the town that you're in. You gotta shift cities. Yeah, yeah. Wherever you are, dude, move. That's actually the coward's way out. He's like, no, I had to move. You moved because you don't want to hurt your barber's feelings? That's how much of a pussy you are? I had to pack up and leave. Um...

I would also slowly phase her out. Be like, oh, I have to work. Be like, oh, I'm working more. Yeah. I'm traveling for work, so I'm only coming in once a month. Right. Now I'm coming in every six weeks and then just slowly let her down. At some point, she'll forget that you weren't on the client list. Yeah. There's no way you were that much of a, unless you were personal friends first.

And then it's dangerous territory. Yeah. Then you're totally fucked. You shouldn't put yourself in that position in the first place. Yeah. That is like sleeping with a friend. Yep. You fucked it up. You fucked it up. That's going to be it forever.

But good luck, my friend, and we're rooting for you. Big time. I think you can just find a better barber in any... Definitely don't let feeling bad for someone that you don't really know that much have you get inferior haircuts the rest of your life. Can't be a people pleaser for the rest of your life. It's a haircut. This is the first day of the rest of your life, my friend. Now you're going to take it... Now you're going to be assertive for everywhere from now on. By the way, I love that that was the first phone call, and I imagine that's what your fan base was like. Stav, I get my haircut from this girl.

I knew it was gonna be some fucking foreign guy from Queens. You know, I do like that it was a rare non-sexual one. Yeah. Almost all of these are about. In fact, play the next one, Aaron. I don't know these. Eldest pre-screens them. I don't screen them. Yeah. I'm going to guess fucking comes up in some way. So I'm gonna try to ask this question without incriminating myself the best that I can. Here we go. Long story short, I work for a small company, doctor's office, physician-owned, whatever.

Okay.

Yeah, my question here is, do I incriminate myself and tattle and admit that I fucked up and clicked on a link that sent me to a porn site? Or do I wait and see if the hammer falls and potentially get in trouble for sexual harassment? All right, thanks. I got to tell you something. Yeah. First of all, she's lying. Okay, yeah, pottery. I've been clicking on websites...

For 20 years. It's never gone. I've never stumbled on a teenage porn website. Yeah, yeah. It's never happened. I like that it's teenage porn specifically. That's why I know it's bullshit. What do you mean? And what do you mean website? That's not how porn is consumed anymore. No, no. It's all these tube sites or I guess it could be somebody's OnlyFans perhaps. Yeah, but there is no like pop-up on a pottery website as Google ad services for teenage porn. That's impossible. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know. Perhaps that, this is, okay, this is real advice. Okay. By the way, we believe you and sorry that happened to you. But here's the- I don't fully, I don't know what she's talking about. Something's missing. Here's what I think. Yeah. This is why I think this is her own alibi. Mm-hmm.

someone else was using that computer before you and they had gone to an illegal site and you know how it auto-filled? And it auto-filled for you to an illegal site. So find someone in the office that you don't like and blame it on him. Well, that's the other thing I was going to say here is like, let's just take you at face value. And something I stress with our caller, she says she doesn't want to incriminate herself.

I'm your lawyer you have to tell me and yeah you don't have a choice you have to tell me everything I can tell you the reality in the situation if you're leaving shit out for me you know what I mean like that's I hate that I want I don't want I said before I want a surprise in the courtroom when I get there I don't I don't want a bombshell testimony from your mistress about where you were that night actually so something feels like it's missing here yeah some zones of life but ask yourself this are you the most likely person to look at pornography in that office

If not, definitely lay low. Her voice told me she is. You think she's looked at porn? I think she's looked at porn before. In the office, though? Mm-hmm. Okay. I don't think it's as rare as you think it is. She's sitting at a desk. She sounds like she's working at the... She's an office manager or she's sitting at a computer all day. Mm-hmm. And I bet she's click-clacked a few times. But not on this style of porn. Not on this. I just mean... That's my point, though. I think she's looked at other porn. It's put cookies on the...

on the web browser she's definitely using Safari you know what I mean she's on Safari she's on a Mac well I would say this is there any way to track it to you are you logged onto your Google or something like that or is this the overall company and also what's more sketch she said she cleared the browsing history and all that stuff

Red flag, red flag, red flag. Yeah, a hasty cover-up. Yeah, when the boss is like, what have you been searching? How come there's no history? The other thing I will say, though, is that she is probably overestimating is that most bosses don't give a fuck about anything. They're not... Unless you have some kind of micromanaging-ass boss, which you'd know already, you'd probably be... If she had the kind of boss that might catch her...

then she wouldn't be looking at pottery anyway. Correct, yeah, correct. Most bosses don't give a fuck. They want to, you know, ring you out for all you're worth. Yep. You know, they don't give a fuck about you as a person. And as long as the work got done, like, you're not a teenage boy who has parental controls on. Right. They probably aren't even going to notice. So personally...

As someone who has beaten off in his workplace before, although to my mind, thinking about a lady who worked there, not really. Where? In the bathroom? In the bathroom. I've beaten off in the bathroom of multiple workplaces. I've done that too. Yeah. Yeah. On my lunch break. Yeah. No, I, on the.

on company. Oh, you're on the clock. On the clock, I shit and I beat off when I used to. I used to shit and then beat off. Great. It's like a nice little pick me up in the middle of a work day. Now, do you like, this is gross, but do you do that? Do you flush? Oh, flush big time. I don't need the smell there. Let it sit. Next time, let it sit. I don't want to let it sit. No, no, no. I'm actually much more vigilant about

about my shits, I'm much cleaner when I'm gonna beat off. - Correct, yeah. - You know, I do the courtesy flush immediately 'cause I'm courteous to myself beating off in 35 seconds.

35 seconds? No, no. I mean like in the future, basically. I care more about my jacking off at work experience than I do my coworkers not smelling my shit. Yeah, correct. Do you know what I mean? No, no, no. I'm on board. I'm much more likely to let it linger if I'm not going to beat off. Correct. That's kind of what I'm saying. Let them know you're there a little bit. Right, right. Mark my territory. So I have multiple times and multiple jobs.

Taken a little Or just beaten off I've also done that But I think it probably Stems from taking a shit Milking it Because you don't want To be out there And then you're looking At your penis

And you're like, what are you doing? Hey, I could kind of see fat Debbie's nipples at the front desk today. What if I sucked on them? And then you start, you let your, you know what I mean? You kind of let reality go. You let that one phrase she says to you like a week and a half ago just sink right into your mind. Yeah. Oh yeah. You look good today, stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I had a good, well, you got some sun over the weekend, something like that. Yeah. I was like, I did? You're glowing a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just remember the one time she reached to put a file up on the top, you can kind of see her belly, and you're like, hmm, that looks better than I thought it would. It's out there, but no stretch marks. You know what I mean? She's a mom now, but she had to get those kids somehow. Her husband probably doesn't fuck her good anymore. I'm having all these thoughts.

So anyway... So tell Pottery Woman what she should do. Sorry. I was literally... Now I'm thinking about the woman I used to jack off to when I worked. I won't say where, but it's an interesting choice, honestly, this woman. It wasn't... Not your traditional hot woman, but I could just tell. She had a vibe. She had a... She was getting off a great vibe. Anyway...

As someone who's not only looked at porn, but beaten off in his workplace, all this stuff, you lay low and you deny and you deny and you don't. You just don't. It didn't happen. It's so easy to most workplaces you can skate through on everything. She doesn't even... In fact, this might send her down a dangerous path where she's like, well, I got away with looking at porn. What else can I get away with? Right. You're good. My question is, how long did you stay on the site? Yeah. How long? How many mouse rolls? You know what I mean? Right. How many...

Scroll Downs did it take until she was like, oh, no, and got off. I think probably pretty quick, I think. You seem to think she's hornier than I think she is. Not hornier. I just think it just seems like a weird accident. Right. There is definitely a missing piece. There is no way you were looking at pottery and

And you went to a barely legal teen site. She also said teen. Yeah. To my opinion, I thought she meant like an illegal black market. Oh, where you buy a teen. Like a dark website. Yeah. Like a sex trafficking site. That's what I thought she was saying. That's crazy. Like I'm on Pottery's Code for like teens or something now or whatever. Right, right, right. Like pizza was kids or whatever. Pizza party. Right. Yep, yep. So maybe that's what she stumbled upon. Could be.

And that's definitely someone who's sex trafficking out of the office. It's the Clintons. Yeah. It's the Clintons. Was John Podesta one of your clients? Was he in there getting his elbow looked at? Also, by the way, you're safe. You're in a doctor's office. The creepiest people I know are doctors.

Doctors might be the creepiest. You want to talk about a fucking thing I used to beat off to was like the nurse coming in and sucking my dick when I was like 13. Oh, come on. It was one of the classics of like, and then I started, it started with the actual nurse. And I was like, why am I thinking of the actual lady? And I was just like, oh, maybe just a hot nurse comes in and sucks my dick. Right. Why can't it be a hot nurse? Oh man. But in your mind, she's just regular old nurse that you've seen a thousand times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so that was a nice little, but anyway, you're fine.

It's not a big deal. You definitely don't address it. Don't say shit. You didn't do nothing. What is this? Life is not like a Disney movie. You don't own up and everyone's like, well, I'm disappointed, but I'm happy you told me. Not true. That's not how anything works. They'll fire you. Deceit is so crucial in many places. Yeah. And you owe the people you love money.

You don't know your fucking boss honesty. Your boss would fucking spit in your eyes. If they could pay you $1 an hour, they would. So look at pornography. Lie as much as you need to. Don't do a good job. That's literally my advice if you work an office job. I like it. Yeah, and steal. If you can steal. So basically, you called in to make sure you don't get in trouble. And I'm telling you, this is like Keanu...

at the beginning of The Matrix where he's talking to the computer. Right. You know, and he's like, whoa, Trinity. You know, he's like, this is, now I'm offering you the pills now. Right. Where it's like, you called, you met up, you came to the nightclub and now I'm Morpheus and I'm like,

Here's the fucking pill. Take the red pill and beat off at work and don't do any work and steal from it and don't get in trouble ever. Or fucking take the blue pill and snitch on yourself and then maybe get your pay docked or get suspended like a fucking pussy in the real matrix. Come down with me and the hot black eyes on the fucking shit, the Nebuchadnezzar, and start beating off at work and stealing from your employer. That's what I'm telling you. Next question, please, Aaron. Great advice. Great advice.

Thank you. Thank you, my friend. All right, this one will be about sex. Yeah, yeah. That one was tangentially about sex. Hey, Savvy. Much love from Yonkers, New York. I was just giving you a quick call because I need some advice. I'm seeing this girl that for about five months, I'd say she's like my common law girlfriend, but we're not exclusive. I've been, you know, getting some side pussy, but I kind of really need to focus on my career and...

What is your career? I feel like it would be better for me if I did end up in a relationship, just settle down a little bit. We're both 24. So young. This girl's great. She's bi. She likes threesomes. Pretty lit. Oh, my God. But at the same time, I also don't kind of want to tie down on my own commitment issues. So, I don't know. I'd like to hear your advice. Thank you.

Yeah, I gotta focus. I'm managing a pizza restaurant in Yonkers, New York. And my career's gotta go sky high. You think this Jimmy John's is gonna run itself? What is your fucking career? First of all, shut the fuck up about your career. But you are at an interesting crossroads where you're 24 and...

I would say fully... This girl's bi. She said she likes threesomes. Yeah. You don't sound hot. You don't sound that charming. Just over the phone. You sound like a dumbass. So you hit... This is a valuable lesson for you because...

This is very possibly the relationship that you're about to fuck up in your early 20s where you thought it can only get better than this, right? You're 24. You think your life is going to be a nice incline. Fuck off. This is very likely the best it will ever get for you. Yes. Like, that is probably what you're up against here. You're most likely going to crash and burn the next couple of years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So take advantage of what's going on right now. So lock this in. Take this as an opportunity. And in fact, here's how...

If you try to continue to just fuck around and like, you know, don't use this as an opportunity to kind of confront some of your commitment issues that you say you have, that is the way that you guarantee you peak now. But if you actually find somebody you like...

Work through some of these issues. Maybe you end up together Maybe you don't but you've grown as a person then when let's say you guys break up in two years three years You have grown as a person you've you've

matured emotionally. You've confronted some of your demons and now maybe you actually can fuck more and hotter women when you're 27 and more mature and you've, you know, the career is going good. They've bumped you up to, you get to manage during the daylight hours instead of the overnight, the graveyard shift at Dominic's

pizza and chicken or whatever the fuck career you have. I mean, his voice sounds so stupid. And I don't want to, you know, I mean, maybe this guy's a nuclear physicist. I don't know, but I got a hunch he is not. Something tells me you don't have a lot of nuclear physicist fans. Yeah, you'd be surprised. Listen to the pod. You'd be surprised. Got a couple. The inner dumbass. Everyone's a dumbass inside, but...

So yes, my friend, that's kind of what I'm thinking. I'm like, because also I'm speaking from personal experience here. I did, and I'm shitting on you, but I am the same moron that you are. I was saying that about my career, which at the time was being an open mic standup comic. So I'm stupider than you. Don't get me wrong. But I did the exact same thing with, I was dating somebody really great who for the first time I was like, wow, this feels like a good relationship. I want, this is what I want out of a relationship. She was very kind. She was caring, all this stuff.

Maybe it wouldn't have worked out, but we had a really fucked up weird relationship because I couldn't commit and I was like, no, I have to, I have to like focus on comedy. And then the fallout from that wrecked me. When I realized she was bi, she would, she probably would have had threesomes. We never even got to that stage because I was like, sorry, babe, I got to go bomb for three years in New York. There ain't nothing for me here in Baltimore, fucking bitch. Um,

And that, the fallout from that relationship and not confronting my feelings, not realizing how much I liked her, ruined me for like years after that. Yeah, but it was good for you. That's what's weird about this. The irony is it actually was helpful. It wasn't. I actually don't think that was helpful. Really? The way I handled it was not helpful. Oh, right. Because we broke, she was like, okay, well, if you're not going to do this, I have to move on. And then when she left, I was like, wait, okay.

I just realized how much I actually like you." And she's like, "Fuck off, I'm in another... you know, fuck you. No, you had your chance." And I was like, "But I'm sad now." And I kept trying to get her back and it was sloppy and it was just... I was depressed. There was a whole lot of shit going on. But if I had tried to be in that relationship, given it a shot,

Think it would have I would have matured emotionally faster whereas it took me until I was like 28 to really give a relationship a try and I think I'm paying for it now because I cared about my career and and the other thing is if your career goes good You will wake up. You'll be 34 one day. You'll be like oh my career is good, but my life is empty and meaningless otherwise

Yeah, I'm rich and I get... Just hypothetically speaking, you might wake up one day and be like, wow, I'm rich. I'm somehow selling out theaters, but I miss my loved ones and I don't have real romantic love even though I get to fuck hot women a lot. Just theoretically speaking, someone might think that. The other side of it is...

You're super satisfied in every other way, but still somehow eternally sad. Yeah. Oh, that's a good one. Maybe, yeah, you find that and then you're like, wait, this didn't help either. Should I kill myself? Ha ha ha!

Maybe you'll take a break from touring. Try to get healthier emotionally and physically in 2024. Achieve all those things too. And then realize even that doesn't bring you happiness. And then you try and find a rope that will hold a 300-pound man. Theoretically, maybe that's what will happen. By that point, 250, right? You proudly say to the Home Depot guy, do you have a 250-pound rope? He's like, congratulations, as he hands you the noose.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah, it's like the Jared big pants, but it's like look how big my noose used to be. My neck used to not fit. This is how big the noose I needed to hang myself with was. I used to be a fat, worthless piece of shit. Now I can hang myself with a 250-pound weighted rope. These beams won't break. Good luck, friend. Good luck, pal. Let's sneak in a couple more before we have to send our boy Andrew on his way. Absolutely.

Hey, Stavi. Love the pod. I got a question for you. I went to a smaller college in Wisconsin and made a great group of friends along the way. Post-college, we hang out in groups here and there. There's a prospect in the group that I could see myself in a relationship with. There's some sexual tension there, so I want to try it out. But part of me doesn't want to due to the possibility of losing them and maybe the friend group is about to go south. Love you, baby. I'm pumped to see you in Milwaukee this November. Oh, hell yeah.

Thank you, my friend. And by the way, buy tickets to the last leg of the Fat Rascal Tour this fall. We're going to do a whole new tour for the spring, completely different branding, different tour theme, all that kind of stuff. When are you in Milwaukee? Sometime in... November, he said. November or October. We're there at the end. Oh, yeah? Right after Thanksgiving. I'll tell you when. Yeah.

So he's asking, basically, college friend group, did he say how old he was? No, that was the problem. I was trying to put that together. But my childhood best friend...

ended up marrying a girl from very similar and also was in Milwaukee. This happened from, they went to Marquette University together in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Jimmy Butler, Dwayne Wade. Dwayne Wade, dude. And Jimmy Buckets. Jay Crowder, less impressive. No, I like Jay Crowder. But you know, not as much. But he, we all knew each other and I hung out with some of his friend group from back then just because I

was hanging with them. And one of the girls in the group, I don't think they ever even thought about it. And then years later, when they met back up,

They ended up hooking up and now they have a family. That's beautiful. Yeah, so I think the timing is very key here. Yeah, how old are you now? That's the problem we don't know. Because for a couple reasons. A, you might not be ready for something serious and he might be depriving himself of what you just described, which is like someone from your old life, you meet up again, but you can't really bank on that as a plan. That was a sheer happy accident. So you can't bank on that. But the more important one is...

If you're just out of college, I got news for you. Your friend group is going to dissolve either way. They don't exist anymore. They don't. Your college friend group, you will keep two or three. Two. I say three is a lot. Three is a lot. You'll keep... Yeah, I'm trying to think in my... See, my problem is like I have the same core group of best friends my entire life, but I picked up one that was absorbed into the best friend tier.

And then I'm trying to think, like, yeah, it's one to three. I've got more than I should, but it's only because I was touching a lot of bases because I went to school on the West Coast, so I still had friends from back home, but then also friends. So I have more than I thought, but most of the chunk, gone. But they're all probably bros. The ones that are around are all bros or no? Like dudes? Yeah, they're all dudes. Yeah, they're all dudes. He's talking about like a mixed...

A crew. Because there's a girl. Unless he's gay. I didn't pick that up. I think he said young lady. I think he said lady. That was my other thing. When he said my friendship group, I think he said girl. Well, first of all, they're not gay because they all would have had sex already. In college. College? Gay college? A bunch of gay guys in college. They're all sucking each other's cock. So they're straight. That was orientation. I'm the resident advisor.

Yeah. Your RA to punish you gives you a blowjob with teeth instead of like throating it. He's like, this is for not respecting quiet hours. This is for smoking inside. Here's the other problem, though. Yes. The other problem I have with this is...

He didn't get any detail. We didn't get any good detail. Not only do we not know who Aldi is, did she hook up with anybody else in the crew? Has she ever been in the crew? Because this has got to be a thing that's been discussed. When it's a crew of guys and girls, this happened with a group that we had that we were friends with in college.

Yeah. People started hooking up. Yeah. It was going to happen. It's like, so if it happened sophomore year or it happened a year out of college, this guy's leaving out an important detail. No, that's a good point. It, cause like, yes, that there is a certain, it's kind of becomes musical chairs. Yeah. At a certain point where it's like, you better get in there. Somebody else's or they're getting another boyfriend. Yeah.

So you're going to get a chair pulled out for money. You're going to get a chair. Yeah. It's musical chairs with your friend's pussies and everyone's dick is hard and everyone's like, I don't know why it's popular. Oh, my dick's in the air. No pussy. So yes, will this fuck up the group dynamics because she used to date someone or hook up with someone or someone else has a crush on them. But let's, because he didn't give us that information, let's just assume that's not the case. Right. I think it's worth at least trying.

Because I don't think if you really feel like this is a serious problem, someone you really want to date seriously and give it a real go, I think it's worth it because these college groups don't last. People move. They get job transfers. And you don't want to risk the possibility of something really great, which is finding someone you might end up with or at least seriously date, whatever. You don't want to like...

Say goodbye to that because right now you guys meet up and go to a fucking happy hour three times a week. But in one year's time, you will see each other three times a year max. And then it'll be once every two years. You know what I mean? Yeah. But also, if she just politely rejects you...

You just don't take it out on the group. You don't be the reason the group gets destroyed. It sounds like to me they're both interested in it. He said there's sexual tension. So cute. She's not going to reject. But we also don't know that this is his point of view. Oh, this is sad guy point of view. This is the only woman that's talked to him. This happens a lot with friend groups where it's like or this happens a lot with.

girlfriends, friends of girlfriends of friends, right? Yes. Well, you're just a loser and you're just like a woman is you have an intimacy with your friend's girlfriend if she's a nice person who just treats you like a human being. And a lot of losers that get no pussy start falling in love with their friend's girlfriend. And so this could be that a lighter version of that where it's like it's not a friend's girlfriend, but it's just

one of your friends who like... Like that episode of Seinfeld where George and Elaine had never hung out solo. Right. And they all had... I think it was the flea market episode where Jerry was going to come with them, but then he canceled. And then the only time George and Elaine hung out together, George fell in love with Elaine. Of course. You know what I mean? Yeah. Seinfeld still holds up such a good show. You watch it, you're like, I'm sure this feels dated. They always knock it out of the park. It's incredible. Anyway...

This could be that too. So basically, prepare yourself for either thing. Yeah. What you have to worry about is the intergroup dynamics. Are you stepping on anybody else's toes? It's going to be weird because she's another friend's ex. You also have to worry about...

Or it's just going good, and there's a best case scenario where it goes good. You guys, because you're friends, you're in a couple that's friends with the same people, you get to still see some of those people, and the natural progression happens, and some fall off, whatever. And then the third thing is she rejects you, and then it's like, do you just take it good, and you're like, oh, okay. Or you meet up in that bar where they are and happy are, and you shoot up the whole friend group. Yeah, you're like, guys, I have a really big surprise for you guys. Rattatatat.

You fucking whore. You fucking whore. I wanted to share my life with you. I was going to show you everything, bitch. And then he stops at Danny. Not you, Danny. Not you, Danny. You're okay. You're a good guy. You're a good guy, Danny. When you helped me jump my car when it died off I-95. You're a good guy, Danny. I won't do it to you, buddy. Yeah, don't go Elliot Rodger mode with it. Uh-uh.

Good luck, though. Good luck. Yeah, give it a whirl. Destroy your friendship group. It's fucking fine. Who gives a shit? Try it. The worst thing that could happen out of this whole thing is you date, you like each other, your friends are stoked that you're together, you slowly start to have problems, she tells the girlfriend, you tell the guy friends, you break up again, and then that friendship group isn't one again. Big deal. It's going to happen. Also, it will happen

one way or another. That's what I'm saying. It's going to naturally happen. Yes. So might as well speed it up. Maybe you're the conduit. You're the catalyst that needs to happen. That's how it happens. Puts it on somebody. Let's keep the good times rolling, Aaron. Come on, baby. Hey, Stubby. Get me into the podcast. I fucking love it. Thanks, brother. And I'm going through kind of a situation that...

I want your opinion on. I, uh, I'm gonna be 30 this year. My wife is 30. We got two kids together. We've been dating since we were 19. Oof. She's, uh, she doesn't have these feelings, but she's not really sure, uh, how she's feeling about it, but she wants to start fucking girls. Um, she's not sure if she's, like, just bi or full-blown lesbian, but she wants to take a chance and, like, try this out, and she's been real open and honest with me about it, and

Oh, no. Fuck.

And I'd like a fat rascal's opinion on it. This is like this guy being like, it could end up really good. It's like a guy who sees a billboard for a casino where they win the jackpot. He's like, I could go to Caesars and win a million dollars. Or you could go lose your life savings and want to kill yourself. You could lose it all. And what statistically happens more often than not is that. The lights in Vegas are on.

Still lit up. This is essentially, yeah, you're going to the sexual casino here. Yeah. And yes, yes, make no mistake. Some people win. Yeah. When we say some, it's less than 1%. Yeah. Almost nobody fucking wins. So yes, it could end up great, but it probably won't. Probably won't. But if you're a man who just understands basic mathematics, it probably won't. No. But also-

Congrats if this is the fucking place that you think you and her can that want to be and honestly we don't really know this guy could also be like he could also be like I'm kind of down and I'm also like look a lot of times I've talked to friends who say like they never fuck their partners and it blows my mind I'm like how often you guys having sex and they're like no the relationship we actually like everything is great but we're fucking like maybe once a month and I'm like

And you're totally good. And they're like, yeah, we love it. We have our little one-to-one. I mean, I don't know. We don't ever know. Sure. But maybe this guy gets the once-a-month thing he likes or whatever, and she's like, I'm a little bit hornier than you. His T is low. Sure. And he's like not wanting to fuck anymore. He likes his job. He likes his kids. Well, she's also talking about wanting to fuck women, which is like. Well, it's a gateway drug. Yeah.

Women is the weed of... She licks one clit and then she's just getting fucking slammed. Yeah, it turns out I actually just want to fuck a bunch of people that aren't you. She's getting fucking spit roasted. Just gives it one little like...

Like those anti-drug commercials from the 90s? Never once. Not even once. Bisexuality. Not even once. Now, the other thing, though, is let's also look at this realistically. It sounds like you're going to the casino whether you like it or not. Yeah, you're going to the casino. And you know what? They're fun places. Yeah, she booked the tickets. She's got to go. They're fun places. It's fun. And so I think you have the proper attitude. And I think here's a couple things that can happen.

Like, you want my opinion on it? This sounds like she is saying how she feels and that she really wants to try this. And if you shut it down fully, you're probably looking at getting divorced. The big D. That's the, like, implicit threat here. Totally. Right? And so I say...

Either it goes good. And look, you could win. You're going to the casino the other way. You could win. Download one of those apps where they tell you whether to hit on 11 or not. Get the book. Read the book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start practicing. Learn how to double down. Learn when to split. Learn when to split.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, get it in your mind. Yeah, it feels like you should hit a 15. It turns out mathematically you should stay. You should stay. You know, learn all those lessons because you're going to the casino, right? Yeah, dude. So what I'm going to say to you is make the best of it. Support your partner here. The other thing is

You guys have been dating since you were 19. I actually had a friend who had a similar thing. Me too, yeah. Where he loved his wife, but they had been together since they were kids. And in their 30s, he was like, I just don't think I can do this forever. And it was... They wanted to fuck other people. And so some people can open it up and it does work great. That's the thing. It does. But some people, it gets fucked up. But either way, I think you should give it a whirl here. Go into it with an open mind. And...

Like I said, even when you lose everything, the casino's fun. Enjoy the ride. You're right. We're going to Vegas in a couple days. Here's my perspective always. I bring the money I know I'm going to lose. If I win, I go, well, fucking look at that. In this case, it's your wife. In this case, sir, you might lose your wife. That being said...

But that being said, losing her, you know what I mean? It's either that, it's either losing her at the casino. It's basically, you're either going to fucking play the game or the game's going to get you. Well, here's the thing. So at least play the game. It's either you take the money to the casino and you bet it and you get free drinks and you eat at the buffet and you see fucking Siegfried and Roy or a guy, a,

a woman in a Carhartt jacket comes to your home and just takes the money from you. And you never get to fucking go to the casino. So she just takes the briefcase and you never get to wager. She throws your life savings in a Yeti cooler.

and wheels it out their F-350 dually. And spends it. And has a great time with it. So I say go to the casino. Yeah. And you know what? You might win and you might come back in a nice open-ish marriage where... And you might discover something about yourself. Fuck yeah. Maybe this opens up a new world. Go down swinging is what I'm saying. 100%. Have a good time. Have a couple of these parties. You seem to have a good... You know, he seems to be like happy about it. Yeah, he does. I'm picking it up. But also, you know...

That's the reality. Be open about it. Maybe do some preemptive therapy.

This is going to be tough on your psyche. Yeah. This is a big shift either way, a big lifestyle shift. And so just enjoy it, my friend. And it might turn out good for you. It might turn out you might have a different, your life might look a lot different. But if you guys have a good relationship and she's being open with you and you're going to be in each other's lives either way because you have kids. Yeah. So just, yeah. Sounds like you're going to get a W. Bet on black. Yeah. Yeah.

Bet on black, baby. But you're going to the casino, my friend. Have a good time there. All right. Look, I got to get... You got important things to do. I don't want to get you... No, we could do one more quick one if you want. Yeah, let's do another quick one. There's one good one there. Why not? Let's get a nice one. Uh-oh. The words are bad. All right.

Pause it real quick, Aaron. I'm sorry. I'm really...

The one time I'm like, this fucking guy, nice joke, idiot. And he's like, so yeah, I got my nuts chopped off after cancer. So my bad, Ike. It was a good joke, actually. All right, let's play it again, Aaron. Let's start from where it is, actually. The family jewels, you'd say. I had one left. One ball, one Ike. Got a vasectomy shortly after on the one that was still hanging.

So, I got back into the game, ended up getting with a girl for a while. Ever since then, kind of lost the jive, the urge, or whatnot. Just broke up. Going on a year, been like desert around here. Ain't nothing wet. Your dick's not wet? Just looking, how do I get back into the game?

What do I got to do? 33. Shit sucks. All right. Let me know. I think I know what's going on here, Ike. You're incredibly depressed. Yeah. Like, that's... You went through... You went... You're like when you fucking cut my dog's balls off, and it's like the week after when it's just like, what happened? That just lasted so much longer. For you to go from cancer... And then it sounds like he got a preemptive vasectomy. I didn't understand that. So that he could bust and...

Which respect if you just want to bust inside of strangers? Yeah, go nuts, but not I have fun I am willing to wager my friend here that you have a lot more shit going on than yeah Sounds like it like if your libido is gone. It's not I don't think it has anything to do with the medical procedures here You sound like Eeyore and I think you just need a you just need to overall improve your life and

And there's times where it's just... Get yourself a piglet, Eeyore. Yeah. Go get yourself... You know how to fix this dating life? Go get yourself a piglet. Get a little piglet. And by that I mean go get somebody who's out of your normal realm. Go after something that doesn't look or feel like you normally like. Maybe that's going to flip your brain chemistry to get you back into whatever world you think you belong in. I don't think he's ready for piglet. I think that's next...

No, that's another step. I think he's not even ready. I think he's so sad. Like sometimes your dick isn't getting hard because you're sad.

And he said it was a desert, which is... Your dick's not supposed to get wet, by the way. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what your dick is looking like. I don't know what happened from that cancer surgery. He just got a nice sheen every time he's hard. He doesn't get hard. He gets wet. So I say bounce back, focus on yourself, get to a happier place because that's... Your libido zapped because...

because you're just not happy overall. And then once you do, once you are feeling better,

What having cancer and surviving that's a nice little ticket to use to get yeah, see yeah You got some stuff going here my friend you got back out there prematurely you sound depressed as fuck and I think I think what's gonna happen is you just need to fucking whatever it is working out Whatever maybe get a better job whatever is plaguing you because we don't know because all he said was this dating life but I

Oftentimes, if you're not horny, it's a symptom of you're just not happy overall. Certainly in my life, that's how it's felt. So that's what you got to do, my friend. We don't have enough info, but you'll be getting that little mono ball sucked on in no time. You know what I mean? Someone's going to get that cue ball. Someone's going to suck on that thing. Someone's going to give you that solo ride. Oh, yeah. Someone's going to be moving her tongue across that scar. She might even flick that empty sack. Yeah.

She might even hit that piece of gum next door. Yeah, she'll give the bubble chew a little fucking... She'll blow a couple bubbles with your empty right sack. When the time's right, you'll find a piglet to chew on that nut. 100%. On that nut sack. You're going to be good, buddy. But whatever you need to do, figure it out and bounce back.

We love you and we believe in you. I think that's going to do it for this episode of Stavi's World. Thank you to All Things Comedy for hosting us. And thank you, of course, to my buddy, Andrew Santino. I love you too, man. You got to come. We got to do a full one, a full deep dive. I'll be out there. We were just too... The riffing was too fun up top. It was way too... By the time I looked at my phone, it's like, oh, we've been going for 40 minutes. No, it's good. But go...

Listen to Bad Friends. Listen to Whiskey Ginger. Listen to Whiskey Ginger. You guys on tour? We're just going to do fall dates. We're done for until the fall. But in the fall, go to badfriendspod.com. We're going to do Milwaukee 2, Chicago for Thanksgiving, and D.C. and a bunch of different spots. Boston. Fucking Boston. Love it. Yeah. So go to badfriendspod.com. Come see me and Bobby Lee in the fall. Hell yeah. Go see them. And Stabby.biz, we're on tour as well. Go see us.

Go see me. I mean, Elvis will be there, but he'll be fucking selling T-shirts and shit like that. He's enjoying his fourth vacation in the last few weeks, by the way. That motherfucker pushes a couple buttons, and he's got to go camping every two weeks. God is good. Well, I'm out here slaving away in Hollywood trying to get us in the fucking...

My goal is to have dumbass Eldest be like a fucking... Be taking me... Like, be running a production company. He's like your Turtle or whatever? Yes. Yeah, sort of. I maybe respect him a little more than Turtle. No disrespect to the actor, Jerry Ferrara. No, the character. But...

But yes, he's my guy. I love him. But yeah, he couldn't be bothered to make the trip out here. Anyway, folks, we will be back next week. Thanks, Andrew. And we'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Thank you.