#32 - Rosebud Baker
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Welcome everybody to Stobby's World, 904-800-STOB. Call in and solve all your problems. I'm very thrilled to have our pal, Rosebud Baker, our first...

Pregnant guest. First pregnant lady. We did have the person who impregnated you on the show. Before me. Yeah. Which was an act of haste. So we've had both. We've had both. Don't worry, he was on the Patreon. Okay, good. See you.

The way it broke out, you will be on the free episodes. He was on the Patreon. Andy, we didn't mean it this way. We're sorry. It's not. I know this feels like what your whole life is like. Think of it this way. Think of it this way, Andy. Somebody's making money off you. All right? You'll come back on the free one to plug the new podcast. We didn't plan it that way. It just happened. All right? What do you want? He's going to be so pissed.

This is what happens. Andy gets one win. Yeah. One win. And it's an immediate out. And then you come up over the top. It's just, he was killing with the baby nurse earlier today during the interview. And now. Yeah. You know, you guys got yourself, you guys should get yourselves a little care, a Caribbean baby nurse. Yeah. You were, you were all day. You were interviewing nurses, ugly baby nurses, making sure they're all ugly. Yeah.

There will be no hot nannies in my house. It is a very classic trope, the cheating with the nanny. It is a classic trope. And also, like, it's just so perfectly set up for Andy. Yeah. Like, if he did it, I would understand. Right, right, right. Do you know what I mean? Because I'm not an easy person to live with. And if I was married to me and there was some hot 25-year-old, like, sort of traipsing around, and I was Andy, I'd be like,

you know what? Fuck it. She deserves this. She comes in, she makes both your lives easier. Yeah. Takes care of the baby, makes breakfast every once in a while. She's agreeable. She does anything Andy says, she agrees and she giggles. I mean, he's going to be rock hard from the second that... Right. It doesn't even... Yeah. You know,

getting an ugly one I'm like that's not well that's the white the insurance I need but that's another that's a good question because now let's say you get the ugly one mm-hmm does it feel worse if he ends up cheating with an ugly one absolutely yeah it's high risk high reward my personality is worse than that her face and her face that her weathered face

Interesting. Well, I hope if it does happen, you guys come here on Stavi's World to really hash it out. Yeah, absolutely. It'll be the first place we come. Yeah, fuck couples therapy. No, no, no. Come here. Andy, that one's going on the main one. I can promise you that. We'll do an Oprah episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love to transition into that. Yeah. Just kind of like help my friends who, any married friends I have, who have come on the show separately, will come on here. Anyone who's fucked their ass.

ugly nanny yeah yeah yeah just any any comedian going through something major you want to if we'll use your personal life yeah for clicks that's great we'll use it to yeah to sell ads basically well i mean how is that any different than what we've been doing our whole not at all not different at all i'm just helping out a friend i'm just kind of asking to take advantage of you directly it's kind of go for it that's that's basically it go for it you got the audience we need the views

It's a perfect fucking marriage. Yes. It's better than our marriage. I think so. It makes more sense. It didn't happen during the pandemic. You know, this was really planned out. Right. You know what I mean? It wasn't the middle of a whole, you know. Yeah, it wasn't some traumatic life shit that just led to an insane decision that we made. Get married in a park with N95s. Yes. No, we thought about starting this podcast. This was planned. Yeah.

It was prepped. Yeah. It was a bit, there was an insurance policy built in. Sure, sure. Yeah. How's it, so how far along are you now? I'm 26, almost 26 weeks. So like,

that in regular person time that's six months okay so i have like three months left okay and i don't know why they like break it into weeks for all the pregnancy apps like break it into weeks so when people ask you how far along you are you're giving them like a non-answer yeah you're just like oh it's this many weeks and then they have to do a bunch of fucking divide by four basically yeah i don't want to do that right um so it's it's just easier to just tell them but uh so six months

I'm so... I keep, like, calling up the OB and being like, I think she's ready. I feel like she's ready to come out. Trying to get her just, like, in one of those little...

Like outside wombs. Yeah, you're trying to have a yeah preemie and so you don't have to yeah You don't have to carry it the last three months. Yeah, I'm just like Listen, she might need to go in one of those little glass boxes, but I think she's ready and they're cute Those babies are cute as hell. They're teeny tiny. Yeah, they're like beanie babies. No, you're ready to go. You can have sushi again Sort of knock on the tank once in a while. It's like having a pet turtle

Have you had any weird, like, pregnant... You came in here with your own seltzer, your own banana, but that's pretty standard stuff. I feel like you'd be eating that anyway. Do you have any weird pregnancy shit going on? I don't have cravings, really. I mean, I have, like...

Like, I want to drink water for the first time in my life. That's like a weird, I know that's like a normal thing that you're supposed to want. Your baby's just like begging you, please have water. Stop. Can you just once in a while? Yeah, I don't want cold brew. Just once in a while. Stop feeding me seltzer as if it's water. Please stop. And I mean, I really, it is kind of like getting pregnant, you go like,

Oh, shit. I got to change my mindset immediately to a different person, a different woman's mindset. No, for sure. And I'm trying, but it's so hard. I still stay up too late. I still... I've thought about vaping every fucking day since I got pregnant. That's all. And you haven't. But the only difference is I...

I would say like the cravings, I'm just hungry all the fucking time. Gotcha. Like, I was telling you before, like Greg Stone was like, oh, you're fat for the first time. I've never. By the way, you look great. Thank you. People have been talking about what a big, fat piece of shit you are. And you can't. I'm like, well, she looks great. They're out of their minds. No.

No, I'm sorry. No one's been saying that. But you do look... I was expecting you to just be bigger. Yeah. You know what I mean? You look great. Well, thanks, buddy. Because of how traumatized Andy was, I was expecting you to have gained so much weight. That I've just sort of bulldozed him around the house. It's just me headbutting Andy through the living room. Yeah.

Yeah, no, he's like, and that was like early too in the pregnancy when he came on. I think it was like, I was like, you haven't seen anything yet. No, no. Because now I'm like physically uncomfortable. I'm like laying in bed in the middle of the night and I'll just be like, ugh. Like it's just like, I just, these crazy heaving sighs that come out of my mouth. I'm like...

This is for the birds. Are you running hot? Are you running hot? I'm hot all the time. I'm like, is there lip sweat? I'm like, just tell me if there is because I feel like I'm always sweating. Yeah, yeah. It really just sounds like you're living a fat man's life. It sounds like me after like having like when I've ordered $40 worth of Chinese food and eat it by myself. Yes. And my stomach, I can't roll on my stomach because it physically hurts. Yes. That sounds like what your life is. Dude, that is exactly what being pregnant is.

I'm not even kidding. You're sweating for no reason. You can't roll over. It kind of hurts to even just go from your back to your side. Yep, yep, yep. Do you have any headaches? Headaches all the time. Okay, you know what this is?

you're like me off a bender where it's like, I've been eating like shit. I've got a dick pill headache because they will give you those. Yeah, yeah. Can't really breathe. Yes. Like, being pregnant is just being the most unhealthy fat man possible. Yes. It's like a woman who's been very healthy most of her life just has to come into my life. Right. For nine months. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, that's tough. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone my friend. No, I feel,

- I know. - I mean, sometimes you just wanna, you just sort of like sit down in a chair and you're like, I could cry right this second. If anybody looked me directly in my eyes and asked how I'm doing, I'll cry.

Like, you can't look at me in my eyes and ask. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Because it'll be an honest answer. It'll happen. Yeah. Yeah. So just no cravings, though. Just a lot of eating more of what you're already eating, basically. A lot of just eating. No weird shit. Yeah, no weird shit. I mean, I...

I don't know. It's really just like, I just want to eat all the fucking time. And that is weird for me. I haven't, I never was like that person. I could just like kind of go and be like, oh fuck, I forgot to eat. You know, I was like that person. And now I know why that's infuriating to hear. I get it. I'll never say that again. But it is kind of like,

It's shocking how much my entire day revolves around food. Your meals. Yeah. And like when I'm going to get it and the bathroom. What's the favorite meal now? What's a go-to?

It's so boring. It's like I've been eating a ton of like Indian food because it feels really like crafty. Yeah. You can like mix it all up together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels kind of artistic. I know what you mean. Yeah. A little piece of naan, a little dip. Yeah. A little samosa. Yeah. Maybe open that up. A little saag paneer. You just kind of, you mix it all up and then you sort of fold it over and you're like, oh, this is a sandwich or it's a pizza. That sounds good. It's kind of a soup. Maybe we should get Indian. We're going to do another episode where we get high after this. Yeah. Maybe we should order Indian food. Do it. Yeah.

I'm sure I won't spill it all over this shit. No, no, you don't get to eat it while the episode's happening, motherfucker. How dare you? Garlic naan. Yeah. Garlic naan is the shit. Love a nice piece of naan. Yeah. I'm like, I'm trying to like... So your baby's being kind of nourished on Indian food? For today. Like tomorrow, it'll be a totally different thing. Tomorrow, it'll be Mexican food. The next day, it'll be a different thing. It's really...

Last night I ordered like from a Swedish restaurant. I ordered Swedish meatballs and like mashed potatoes. You mean Ikea? Yeah. You made Andy go to Red Hook to get you fucking Swedish meatballs from Ikea. I'm not even kidding you. There is a frozen Swedish meatballs from Ikea in our fridge right this second.

I didn't know that they fucking sold them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it wasn't my... Andy bought it for himself, actually. Okay. Yeah. I understand. Because I guess that men can have their own cravings and shit. Sure. I have them all the time. Yeah. Remember, we said being a fat piece of shit is like being a pregnant woman. Right, but... But I'm saying when men...

have when they get a woman pregnant they like have something biological shit that happens like they gain weight imagine what happened if either of us got a woman pregnant that was how fat we'd fucking get and how much bullshit we'd eat are

Our pregnant wives would have to be like, all right, chill out. I'm right here behind you, honey. I mean, we used to live, you know, we were roommates here and there was one of the most fucked up periods of my life where we were up to, it wasn't long, but for a little bit, we were eating two pints of Ben and Jerry's a day. There was like a two month period where like, you couldn't find a spoon in this apartment. Like,

God forbid you wanted to eat soup because me and Eldest were fucking, they were tonight dough, chubby hubby. They were just completely caked. So I can't even imagine if you put me back in that mindset with like, oh, but I'm supporting my woman. Right. I'm here for her. I'm doing this for her so she doesn't have to eat alone. Yeah.

That's truly what happens. Yeah. I can see it. It's bad. And also your fucking, your estrogen goes up. Oh, really? So like the estrogen levels in a guy goes up when they're partners get pregnant. Well, this does have a childbearing physique. He's got childbearing hips. Hips, yeah. He can literally, those are a mile away. Yeah.

He does have like a... He looks like a very large F to M, basically. Yeah. He really does. He seems like he could squat and push. Easy. Damn, though, that's...

So you quit vaping, like, were you already not vaping? No, I was vaping all the time. So, like, Andy and I did IVF because we were, like, not sure if we wanted a kid yet, but I did want one eventually. And I was like, and, you know, TikTok. Of course. So I was like, all right, let's do this. We'll do IVF. We did it. It was, like, fucking $20,000. And then I got pregnant, like, yesterday.

during a month when I had COVID. Oh no. Just fucking vaping every other day. I was like, what the fuck did I do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was so pissed. And now I'm like, we've probably got like half a dumbass that we're working with here. But it's fine. I'm like, I'm psyched. Yeah, of course. You know, a dumb kid is a funny kid. Fun kid. So,

I'm like, that's good. I was IVF. Yeah? Yeah, me and my brothers. I didn't know that. That's great. Test tube babies. Yeah, so you were the A-team. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Right. I say it in my act, but this is the best science could do right here. They made me in a fucking lab, baby. I'm going to literally point to you when my daughter's acting out and be like, I got the A-team.

waiting in the wings we really were the first I think the first batch like 88 and I was 89 for real so I was like one of the first like holy shit yeah at the hospital that we were at yeah in like DC somewhere actually probably near cause you grew up in like Virginia right or DC it was like somewhere cause my parents had to drive down to like I think it was northern Virginia yeah yeah that's where I'm from yeah yeah yeah so it was I don't the guy's name was Dr. Garcia um

And there's all these like pictures of that motherfucker. Yeah. Like all these families love that guy. That's got to be one of the best doctors to be. Yeah. Because it's just happiness. I know. Because you've made people's like, my parents were trying to get pregnant for like 10 years. Yeah. Like I'm actually very lucky because I was, my parents were trying to get pregnant like in 1980. Like I would have been some weird. Right. Fuck it. I'd be like, I'd be 44 right now. Tough. Tough.

I wouldn't understand the internet. My career would be so bad. You'd be saying crazy shit. Oh, I would be a cancel culture guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would be like... You'd be like railing against woke. Yeah, I was talking about... God. Never been on Rogan, but tweeting at him all the time, begging to be on it. Constantly. Pretending I like MMA so he would be my friend. Yeah, sharing clips.

sharing clips with Rogan. Look at this woke piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I swear to God, anytime I hear some, I'm like, how do they still say that and take themselves seriously? It has gotten, saying shit is woke has gotten, it's, come on guys, it's gotta end. It's wildly insane. It's gotta stop. Somebody asked me at my show this weekend, they were like, what's your hottest take? I wanted to fucking punch

the mic across the room. I hate that. I wanted to just be like, fuck this. I have no takes. I'm a clown. I don't care. I come on the stage. We have a good time. Yeah. I talk about how my dick doesn't work. I make fun of you. We're here to have a good time. I don't have opinions. I mean, I have some, my opinions might sneak in because it's just like,

Because that's what happens. If you're authentic, you get to know, you get to see who the person actually is. But I don't want to be... I've said this many times. I don't want to be a point maker. No. That's not what my kind of comedy is. It's not point making comedy. No. It's having a good time. Yeah. I mean, any point that I am making is not real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not really anything. Of course. I'm just fucking, you know, like picking a side that I've just... I don't know. All of it seems so...

To me, comedy kind of got, and maybe this is just also being pregnant, but there's part of me that like hears it and I'm just like, I fucking hate the sound of it. It makes you like actually physically ill. It makes me physically ill to walk into a comedy club and like hear people like cackling. Yeah.

That's awesome. It's so insane. Yeah. Maybe that's nature's way of telling you women shouldn't work. Yeah. Now that you're pregnant, it's like you should be in the home. I feel like getting pregnant is nature's way of telling me that women shouldn't work. Just getting pregnant. I was literally first trimester going to work every day and being like,

Were you writing on SNL? This is the least feminist I've ever been, but I think this should be illegal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I should just be, there's no reason for me to be here. Yeah. Be hanging out at home in a muumuu. Yeah. You know, eating ice cream and pickles or whatever. With sandals and socks. Absolutely. And just letting myself go to hell. So you were writing on SNL, and were you also touring, or what were you doing when you were? Yeah, so I was touring on the weekends. God damn, dog. So I set up this whole like, well, I didn't think this was going to stick around. Yeah.

I was like, this is going to be like a bad three weeks at work. I thought. Yeah. I thought. Once you had a couple miscarriages, you're like, ah, we got another one in the mix. We'll see. It's like, oh, my God. You see the test and you're like, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you don't even. It's like you fake excitement. Yeah, of course. Because you're just like.

Been through it. Yeah. So I was just like, whatever. It'll be a bad couple of weeks. I'll book a tour. I booked this fucking whole tour. And now I'm like, what the fuck? It's so... Are you still on the road right now? Yes. Insane. I have six more cities to go. Insane. I got... Yeah. I mean, one of them is going to be... Tempe is going to be rough. Brutal. It's going to be 110 degrees. That is going to be very tough. Yeah.

I'm like, I have not told my doctor that I'm going there. You're going to bake your child's, your unborn child's brain. Boil the baby. I know. Already vaping, already give them COVID brain. Let's fucking throw a little Arizona heat in there. Right when it's about to pop out. And a refusal to drink water. Yeah. Just a great combo. Hilarious. Yeah. So I'm just kind of like, I've been traveling the whole trip, the whole trip, the whole pregnancy. Mm-hmm.

I mean, it's been, it is what it is. Like you kind of get, there's like a period of time where you're like, okay, this is fine. I can deal with this. And then it just starts to get, you know, your belly actually starts to like get bigger. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I can't like bend. And that's like, I dropped one mic. There were two mics on the stage. I dropped one and I was like, well, I know I'm not getting the other mic. Yeah. It's not going to happen. So, you know, there's that. Sure. Yeah.

That's hilarious to just still be worried. You should cancel some of those. You know, it's scary that you're telling me that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know me, light touring schedule. I haven't ruined my health touring. Right. But here's the thing. You're in hell anyway. Yeah, it's true. Like, touring is hell regardless. Yeah. The thing is, I just get fatter. You might give your child developmental disabilities. Those are the two differences. Honey, she's got those. Yeah.

That's a guarantee. Special kid would be kind of fun, honestly. She's me and Andy's kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay? I'm 38, he's 40. Oh, yeah, you're so right. It's going to be rough. Tough. Yeah. You got Andy's, like, broken tail sperm. Let's put it this way. I'm not fighting with the fucking psychiatrist about the baby drugs. I'm like, yeah, put her on whatever.

Whatever's going to make her life easier. You know it's a girl? Yeah. Nice. Yeah, I'm so excited. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't think I was going to be... Wait, that was... I heard something, right? Some cheers, yeah. Okay, I was like... You're not hallucinating? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was so excited, and I thought I wanted a boy because I just thought a boy would be like... I don't want to say it because... Please. But I was like, you can kind of ignore them. Yeah.

It's true. You can kind of, they sort of just run around and wreck all your property and ruin everything. It's true. A boy, it's like up until you create a mass shooter, you're fine. Right. But you got a lot of leeway there, whereas a woman can be a lot of different forms of terrorist. Right. You know what I mean? Exactly. You can have a minor emotional terrorist. Exactly. All the way up to like a murderer. Right. Like a sociopath. And that's what I'm going for. Yeah. That's what I want to,

teacher to hunt and kill for sport yeah okay I just want I want a tiny little murderer you guys do have interesting genes because double alcoholic if I'm correct two alcoholics yep with blue eyes with blue eyes charming yeah yeah yeah two alcoholics so you know she's charming yeah two alcoholics both mentally ill yeah uh

Andy just kind of, he was telling us, he's like, remember he had like a crazy ass grandma who had that weird shit. You've got Illuminati genes. He's got a crazy grandma? Yeah, remember he had like a grandma who talked about how hot her son was, or a great grandma who like talked about how hot his grandfather was or something like that. Oh shit. I'm for real just learning this. So is that,

His family's fucked up. Your family was literally in the Illuminati. Yeah. You know what I mean? There's no problem there. That gives you some coverage. Yeah, my family's perfect. My family nailed it. His family's a wreck. I'm just hoping she's got more of my genes. Well, to be fair, you kind of have the offshoot.

Every Illuminati family has the offshoot of the ones that didn't really do much. The fucked up. The fucked up ones that they kind of, you know. And if I'm not mistaken, that is sort of your family, right? Your direct family? You're saying that's me. I'm the fucked up. Not you. Your father and mother, maybe? No, no, no. No, you. My dad is, yeah, my dad's... Oh, you're dead. He's working for his dad. Oh, gotcha. They're tight. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So it's me. So it's you, yeah.

That's you, and bringing Andy in the mix didn't help at all. That's not someone the Secretary of Defense is going to respect. It's so funny because I was listening to Andy talk to my dad today on the phone, and I was like, don't say I'm in the car. And I just wanted to hear the two of them communicate. Generally what it's like. I'd love to see that myself. It was so funny because Andy was like,

Hey, Jamie. You can hear his voice gets like deeper when he talks to my dad. And he's like, he's like trying to tell my dad that we're like dropping off. We have like movers that are dropping off like shit at his house. Yeah. And he was like, he's like, so I just wanted to like give you the heads up. You know, I probably, I probably should have called you about it before. And then there was just like silence. And my dad goes, okay. And he goes, and then Andy goes, is that?

"Is that okay?" And I was like, I like slapped him. - Don't show weakness. - Don't show weakness. I was like, "Don't say it, just wait, just wait." - Yeah, yeah, he waited, yeah, yeah. - I was like, "You cannot talk, 'cause my dad will literally wait for you to incriminate yourself." He's like that, he'll just be silent. And I remember, I must've been like, I was probably fucking 10 when he taught me this, but he was like, "If you wanna know if somebody's guilty, and why the fuck would I need to know that?"

I'm 10 years old. He's like, if you want to know if somebody's guilty, you just let them talk. He's like, just sit back and let them talk. You'll find out if they're guilty.

I was like, what the fuck are you trying to teach me? That's like a great lesson. Like I'm in theater camp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. But that's like who he is. Yeah. He's just like that guy. Poor Andy. Poor Andy trying to sit through that silence. I don't know anybody else who watches Succession and is like, that's my family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just how we are.

It's crazy. Yeah, no, that's fucking hysterical. So did you ever, was that the first weird life lesson you got? Weird Illuminati life lesson? Yeah, it was that, and I remember asking my dad at one point, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids or if I wanted to be a mom, and I remember asking my dad, when did you, I was like, when did you know that you're ready to have kids? And he was like, he just sort of stared forward and was like, you'll never be ready. Yeah.

He was, like, driving, and that was all he ever said. I was like, okay. Oh, fuck. Cool, cool. Yeah, I mean, that's not the kind of guy in general who, like, is good at being a dad or a family man, but then it seems like even...

Just from like your specials and just knowing you and also just like your materials. Like your dad felt like extra not in the mix. Yeah. Like it felt like he was really not hanging out. Yeah, yeah. He was not. Really wanted a son. Never got that. Got all girls. Really badly wanted a son. Yeah, yeah. For sure wanted a son. Was fucking bummed. Yeah.

You know, and just was overpowered, you know, for the first time maybe in his life. Right. Which is poetic. Yeah, I don't think he ever... I remember him, like, driving us to church. There was, like, a period of time before, like, the twins came along, when they had a manageable amount of kids, that they were taking us to church every Sunday. But it was, like, my dad was... He would, like, drink on the way. Like, he was, like, drinking...

He's just drinking beers on the way. And I was like, you so badly wanted a backseat full of boys. Yeah, just roughhousing. Talking about Little League. You know what I mean? He grew up with three brothers and him, and he was not prepared. But he got a bunch of little girls that were like,

like him. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, we're more like him than we are like our mom. Which is even, he probably even less could understand that. That was even more frustrating. Because it's like, if I got girls, at least they're going to be like, I can marry them off to other political elite and strengthen my, strengthen my power in the Bush administration. But I got ones that weren't interested. I got like opinion

I basically got women that are men that I just can't do anything with. Totally. Nothing more useless than an opinionated woman from your father's perspective. He was so pissed. I remember at one point him looking at me and being like, why can't you just...

Just be... He was like... I remember him just having no words to describe how disappointed he was. He was just like, I just need you to just... Can you just be reasonable? Bam, landed on reasonable. Yeah, just landed on reasonable, but I think what he was saying is be less like yourself. Of course. You know what I mean? Yeah. Which...

means less like him. I mean, he and I are the same person. A lot of psychological shit going on there. We're the same person. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's like the reason that anything funny about me is from him. Yeah, yeah.

And so, were you the oldest? Yeah. You're the oldest, okay. How many brothers do you have? I have two brothers. You have two brothers. Two younger brothers. They're fraternal twins, but IVF, so, you know. You're the oldest, too. I'm the oldest. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so you get it. I get it, for sure. No, I mean, not, obviously, we don't have the same stakes, because it's like, it's got to be weird...

Your dad's in a very strange position, just like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Because he clearly went down the path, and we should say for anybody who doesn't know, your grandfather was James Baker. Yeah. Literally the Secretary of Defense under Reagan and Bush. Secretary of State under Bush, and then Chief of Staff under... He was Defense at one point, though, right? Treasury. Treasury, damn. Yeah. I got it all wrong, sorry. I think that's right.

You would know better than me. I thought he was at one. I thought he did a... Anyway, real... Let's just say architect of some real not chill stuff. But it's got to be straight. Truly, Succession is right. And it's got to be weird to be that guy's son and then go down that path. But then...

see daughters that just are not fucking with that at all. And it must be so frustrating when he bought in and was like, well, this is what you do. And he probably wasn't happy, let's be honest, to do that. He didn't want to be that. I think, well, here's the thing. He wanted to be, this is like an interesting piece that I never learned from my dad, but I learned from like a different relative. He wanted to be like an environmental lawyer. He was like a fucking, he wanted to be a fucking...

I'm like, that's crazy. - Oh my God. Literally they're gutting the EPA. Your grandfather is helping gut the EPA and your dad's like, I wanna fucking. - And then my dad had so many kids he was like, fuck it, all right, I'll just be a corporate lawyer. He immediately skipped. He never went that route. But that's when he was like,

Before he had like a bunch of fucking daughters, that's like what he wanted to be. Right. And I'm like, oh my God, that says so much. Totally. It says so much. So much. And also like, it's also a little bit of a, I mean, again, I don't know them personally, but it's like, that's also a little bit of a cop out, I think psychologically where it's like,

There's probably a lot of reasons he didn't end up being an environmental lawyer. I just see it from my dad's perspective. He blamed everything on, well, I had the responsibility to my family because he was ultimately a coward who wouldn't take risks. And that's probably a little bit your dad too where it's like he had a pretty set up life in terms of just, you know, you could just backward, like literally you could fail into a really nice life, right? You could. If you just kind of work hard

If you're not a complete dumbass, you know what I mean? Like, you could just kind of... I disagree on that, only because there was no fucking money at all in environmental law. Oh, no, no. I mean going with corporate law and just, like, you could, without really trying... He was basically set up to be, like, pretty rich and do whatever if he just went down the connections, his family connections and all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's easier than what you're saying, being an environmentalist. Oh, yes. Like, there's so many more reasons why he probably didn't do that. Yeah. But it's easy to blame your kids for being like, well, I would have, you know, once my kids came along, I had no choice. But it's like, you had a choice. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know if that resentment is there. I don't know if I'm projecting with my dad shit, but it's like, that feels like a classic dad move. I know what you're saying. I feel like that's true. I don't... We don't have to... I'm like, my mom's a painter. My dad's a lawyer. I'm like, I... Yes, of course, he could have done the environmental law thing and like, whatever. But I'm also like...

Now that I'm having a kid, I'm like, I kind of get it. It's expensive. It's fucking expensive. I'm like, okay, I get it now. And part of me goes like, yeah, it's cowardly, but it's also way smarter. Totally. Do you know what I mean? Totally, totally. So what you're saying is true. Pragmatic. Pragmatic and sacrificing. And I mean, look...

that was the choice, but I'm saying like... Being a coward is a wise choice. It is. It is most of the time. Yeah. I mean, look who you married. You know what I mean? That's clearly your position. Yeah.

Andy's not a coward. Only with me. Yeah, yeah. I just love the title of his album, The Coward of Gramercy. It's so... It's so fucking funny. And that intro he shot where it's... I don't know. I couldn't find... Where it was like... He was like throwing up. He was about to kill himself or something. Oh, yeah. And then I come in and I interrupt it. So fucking funny.

That was so funny and so sad to shoot. I remember watching him like slowly change into a cowboy costume in the corner of our living room. And I was like, probably like, I don't know, doing some bullshit on my phone. And I look up and I'm like, there's just someone filming my husband changing into a cowboy outfit. And I was like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Like, what did I do? Absolutely. What did I choose? Yeah.

Those are the moments I'm like, please, God, let my father never see what I'm doing with my life. But yeah, no, it's a pragmatic choice. But I just mean like that's, I guess what I'm getting at is like it's easy to compound resentment onto kids when it's really ultimately your decision to do whatever the fuck, as a parent, do whatever the fuck you're going to do. Like the more I grow up and I'm like,

I'm a fucking adult. I'm like, oh, my dad was really just like, just, it's just like you could have take, take some responsibility. Right. Stop letting all these forces dictate you. Like things are going to push you one way, but it's like,

don't behave that way. Just don't. Just like stand up to something at some point. Right. And it's like, you know. It's like make the balls of your choice for anything because it's valuable for a kid to see their parent doing that. For sure. Really, I am so lucky that I like, you know, I'm lucky that I, you can react different ways to seeing that. Yeah. And I'm lucky that I reacted like, oh, behave the exact opposite of this.

Right. Like, where I'm like, never, dude. To the point where I think it's fucked me up a little bit because now I...

I take a lot of risks, but I also have no responsibilities. Like, my dad always talked about how his family, like, held him down or whatever the fuck and forced him to stay in America and all this other shit. And he also talked about how all the shit he could have done, all the, like, business deals he didn't do, all the, you know. And I've never... I've always just been like, fuck it, let's roll the dice. Yeah. And it's worked for me, but I also, like...

It's instilled a little bit of a phobia in with relationships. And getting stuck. It's like getting tied down, getting stuck. I have that anxiety. So you got to get... There's like a middle ground between like, you know, learning from your parents and then also... But the benefit of you being that way is that you could have that fear and you'll do it anyway. Right. Like, that's the thing. Like, I don't feel like as a, you know, I don't...

like look at myself in the mirror every day and go like, that's a mom. You know what I mean? I'm like, she's ready. Like I'm not, there's no part of me that feels like ready for this still. And I'm so fucking terrified. And I'm every day, I'm like so scared. And I'm just like, ah, but, but I'm doing it anyway. Cause it's like, that's,

that's what we do as comics. Yeah. It's like we make those choices that are scary and we just make it work. Yeah. Or it doesn't. Or it doesn't. Or it falls flat on its fucking face. And then who knows how, let's see how, how much the lineage can fall further. Yeah. She could fucking fuck me up. I could be eating my words in a year. Yeah.

No, but I think it's, and I don't think anyone's ever, at least us, like it's so funny how when you just do something so frivolous as entertainment, it's like we're talking about having a kid, which is something most of the world does at like,

20. Like we're talking about as if it's like the craziest thing in the world, even though it's literally on some level the reason humans exist is to just create more of us. But I totally get it. I mean, my friend just had a kid and she said the same thing. She's like, I was just like... And for me, it's even weird. Like it's weird that you'll have a kid. It's weird that she has a kid. It's like... Yeah. That's insane. Like we have kids, but it's like...

we're fucking in our 30s and 40s and shit. And it's like, it's beyond the time to do it. Right, like we're supposed to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we're late. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I don't even have the prospect of a serious relationship, let alone a kid. Like I guess I could. One time my mom was busting my balls about not having kids so much that I was like,

Look, I can get you a kid. But do you want to raise it? Look, I can head out there and have you a kid in nine months. We can make that happen, but I'm not going to fucking raise it. Do you want to raise it? Do you want to be like grandma raising her? Because she was so annoying about it. I'm one lonely road big away. We've had some close calls. You sort of were a grandmother for a couple weeks. A couple times. You were...

I can't tell you how many times you were almost a grandma. Yeah, I can't tell you how many plan B's away from a grandmotherhood you've been in your life. Oh my God.

But yeah, it's just like, but I definitely feel that, I mean, having the responsibility of a kid, really, I can't even imagine. Yeah. Because it's all secondhand for me, and it's like. You just said the most fucked up thought of you just sending your mom a bunch of fucking Plan B rappers. He's all the ones that could have been. Yeah. But nah, she would have been fine. If I had shown her who they could have been with, she'd be real happy that it's not, you know, some real random ladies. Yeah.

Some real women. I don't even remember their names. A bunch of close calls. A lot of kind of got caught up in the moment. Yeah.

In some very dim lighting. Some very fucked up situations. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't know, man. That's... It's still... I mean, it is really exciting, too, to be having a kid. It's kind of like I look at it and I go, like... I know what you're saying. Like, when my friends were having kids, like, my closer friends, I was just like, wait, what? Like, it sort of felt like they...

were dying. Yes, yes. You know what I mean? I mean, a lot of people move. Like nobody talks about that, but it feels like you're like, oh, you're having a kid. Okay, well, bye. Yeah. It's kind of how it feels. And even now that I'm like going through it,

It feels, it does. It feels like I'm preparing to die. I'm like, I'm like preparing my apartment and throwing things away. I'm like, a new face of life really is what it comes down to. Yeah. I'm like, and I am, I'm going to die a little bit. I'm just going to die for a second. And here's the thing though, who like, that's,

It's like, that's okay? Because it's like, how much longer did you want to be exactly that person? Do you know what I mean? Yes. I'm getting tired of who I am now. Yes. I'm like, this can't keep going on. That's how I felt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, that's how I felt. I was like, I'm fucking so sick of doing whatever I want all the time. Yeah.

Right. Too much ice cream. This is insane. Like, it's too much dessert. Yeah. I need some responsibilities. My life's too good. Yeah. Like, it's just... Too easy and dumb. It's too good. And honestly, I was thinking about it. I was like, I'm not prepared for any of the shit that I know is hard. Yeah. Or I am prepared for that. Like, I've been through periods of time where I haven't slept for fucking weeks. Yeah. You know? I've done shit that I thought was impossible. Mm-hmm. I've gotten through it. You know? Yeah.

I've been stuck in the house for weeks at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a lot of ways, COVID prepped me for that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't think I'm really prepared for like...

The way that parents describe how they feel about their kids. That part scares the shit out of me. Interesting, having to really feel that deep. Yeah. Having those deep emotions. That, I'm like, oh, I'm not ready for that at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Something just chipping away at that little icebox. Yeah. That little icebox heart. Oh, no. This is going to be rough. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm excited for that because I'm just ready to be...

like a different kind of version of myself you know yeah at a certain point it's got a i don't know i feel like the more people around you to it just you just you get used to the idea and it doesn't seem so crazy and it's just like yeah i'm tired of doing this exact thing yeah and it's also just kind of like fuck it what else you're gonna do right you know like i had so many so many i mean literally i'm talking like i'm already dying but i had so many good years of just like

Going out late at night, just staying out until 6 in the morning with my friends and being like, this is the greatest life ever. Yeah, this is so fun. I love my fucking life. I love my friends. This is so fun. And then like, you know...

it was like coming home from those and being like it was another great night but like how many of these can i do yeah who cares at a certain point who cares yeah i get that and i know it's like depressed no i get that i get that too because i feel kind of the similar way on on certain parts of like i mean there were like the last couple tours have been so sick for me where it's like

I have more than achieved my dreams. Right. Like, I thought I wanted to be a road comic working, like, B-rooms. That's what I thought was possible. It was like, I started Magoobie's Joke House, and I wanted to work every Magoobie's equivalent across America. Yeah. And shit has gone so much better. Like, literally, my best friend, like, we travel, he tour manages, like, that we're selling out great shows. I'm getting to fuck...

a bunch of girls and it's all, you know, we eat at any cool restaurant we want. We do everything that like is a vacation. Yeah. And then it's like, but then you're like, all right, well, I got it. What else? Who gives a fuck? And it's like, there has to be like a deeper, like very basic human shit, which just comes down to finding people you love, having kids, like starting a life, all this kind of shit where it's like, yeah, there's a reason that people that just keep, people that like just keep

stay just partying and having an awesome time it's like when you get into your like 40s and 50s and shit like that dude it makes me sad it's legitimately sad yeah it makes me really sad and listen I don't wanna I think that it's hard enough to be a woman with a kid but if you're a woman without one you just get all kinds of shit put on you where it's like oh she can't

possibly be happy. Like, Oh damn. All that kind of shit. I didn't even consider that. So I like, I don't, I don't want to say that that's not possible. Cause I think that it is. And I think that for women that don't, that choose not to have kids, I think that's like an important choice. Yeah. But I also go like, like for me, I'm like, it's just not for me. I don't want that. I don't want the burden of that. I don't want the burden of like having to enjoy my life that much.

That's so true. Because if you're just having an okay time and you're like, I could have had a kid. Right. If you're not just crushing it every fucking weekend. Yeah. What was the point? Or even if I am and I'm still just my miserable self. Yeah. I'm like, now I got to be a woman who like loves her life all the time because I don't have a kid. Yeah.

Oh, it's exhausting. Yeah. I just, no thanks. I still feel like I could go either way. Like, I could, because I also feel like I'm in the uncle zone big time. Oh, for sure. I'd be a great, you know, I know one of my brothers is going to have kids. Like, I have, we already, like we've been saying, one of my friends, my best friend's like,

She had a kid. That little motherfucker, I'm so pissed off. She keeps visiting New York when I'm not here. They crashed here. That baby was like on this couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just didn't get to hang out with them. But it's like I want to be, I think I could get that fulfillment. Like I like kids, but I don't, I go either way. I guess I'm just going to put it on whatever, whoever I end up with. It's like your choice and you better choose right. It is crazy. I know, I know. Because our whole lives depend on it.

It is crazy, though. When you get like a niece or a nephew and you're like, dude, I'm positive that my niece coming to visit me, like, I was like, I got pregnant like right after. Oh, wow. Like right after that. Like I dropped her off with her mom and was like, peace, and went home and just fucking blew everything up. I was like, let's do it.

You know? So wait, did you get, is the baby IVF or are we talking? It's not IVF. Oh, natural. It's natural. Nice. But it's natural like after doing IVF. Oh, after all the hormones and shit like that. I was like so pissed. Yeah, yeah. That I had all that fucking, I'm like, God damn it. We have like the perfect babies. And now we just did this. But it's fine. It's fine. It'll be fine. Yeah. It'll be good. Yeah. You know when, did your parents know that you were a boy? Yeah.

Did they like know what the genders of all that? They did. Well, I was the way they did it. I don't know if it's still the same way now, but back then they would implant like fucking 10 embryos. I know. 12 embryos. It was fucking insane. I know. It's like crazy. Yeah. Like I was one of nine. I was the only one that made it. And then my brothers. Hunger Games. Yeah. I fucked those kids up. Yeah. My brothers, it was even more fucked up. They were originally like.

I think an eight. Yeah. And for a long time, they were supposed to be triplets and like pretty late in the game. I don't know what they did to that motherfucker. My brother's just like killed. They just like ate him for nutrients. That's like a crazy thing that happens.

They literally call it like disappearing twin syndrome or something. And I'm like, you can't call it that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't call it that and act like that's scientific. Totally, totally. Like, don't call it... Don't tag syndrome on the end of it and be like, oh, disappearing twin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, we don't know what happened. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. But they fucking... Yeah, they just fucking...

killed that guy maybe he was annoying I don't know what the fuck was going on in the womb but they split him up for parts and they ate his ass in the womb I'm sure they literally got his nutrients like that's how that shit works so good my brothers yeah they're hardy boys you know fuck that guy he

He's in hell right now. All boys. Because he never made it. Yeah, all boys. Goddamn. All boys. And if my parents had had... They said if they had had the twins first, they wouldn't have had another kid. Yeah. So they were planning on having two kids. And then my brothers just popped out. That's what happens. For sure. But are you... How do you... Do you identify as the oldest? Even though... I know... Because there's like...

There's the trope of like, oh, the oldest sibling. Do you feel like you fit into that? 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, even though... And even though... And it's kind of weird, too, because my brothers are twins, but we also kind of really fall into like oldest middle child baby. Like, my brother, who was technically seven minutes younger, fully...

fully feels like the baby of the family yeah like you know and then my brother who was a little older than him just fully has like middle child shit big time you know um and it's but i definitely am like the it sounds like you're the same way where it's like definitely the oldest kind of was like a quasi parent yeah in certain ways or like help i at least helped my parents out a lot like i was well when there's twins you have to it's like all hands on deck everybody's just like fuck you

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, yeah. What are the age differences between you guys? It's like, well, the biggest age difference is 10 years. Okay. So then, so it's two years, six years, 10 years. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. Oh, yes, that's different. I mean, we were only two years apart, so I didn't like, for me, it was more just like,

you know, oldest child being the one that has like all the hopes pinned on them. You know what I mean? Like I had all the responsibilities and then because my parents straight up didn't speak English that well, I would like proofread documents and like do that kind of shit since like sixth grade. Yeah. Help my mom with a bunch of shit. So in that way, for sure, you know, I got the oldest child. Do you feel like with the oldest child, like, I don't know, for me, I was like, oh, they like had me and then they were like,

They just kind of go like, oh, we got to focus on like raising these other kids. So like you kind of got to do it yourself. Yeah. And I feel like that benefits you as an oldest child because you're like, I'm going to learn to be an adult. Yeah. Faster than all you motherfuckers. I think you're definitely bossier if you're the oldest child. Yeah. Like without question, I'm like, I can't help it. Like I have, I try and stop that part of myself from just being like. It's so hard. It's really hard. But I also think it has helped me in certain ways where I'm just like.

sometimes shit just has to get someone has to decide what has to happen. Yeah. But yeah definitely I do think there's something to that because like I mean for me it was a big drop off because I was like the king. Like my parents had tried to have kids for a decade. Yeah. And then here I come. Yeah. And I was also like one of those kids that could talk early. I was like you know 10 months old. Yeah. Just talking sentences and shit. And they were just like yes. Yeah. Like I was a big hit at parties just this little. You still

look like a baby that was carried around on like one of those golden little beds. A hundred percent. That was the whole vibe of the first two years of my life. Yeah. And then here come not one, but two dickheads that completely fucked my shit up. Right. It was, we had the, we weren't friends when we were like babies cause I was pissed off. Oh yeah. Yeah. I remember my mom being like, you can be, you know, doing that parent shit where it's like, you can, you have a very important job. You can be my helper. Yeah.

Right. And then I was two years old. Fuck you, bitch. Literally, after like three days, I was like, hey, mom, I quit. I literally was like, I quit being the helper. Did you say that? I said that. I was like, I quit being the helper. Right. And she was just like, because I was like, bring her diapers and shit. I was like, this shit fucking sucks. Yeah. I want to go watch fucking Sesame Street and chill out. I don't want to fucking help you. Yeah. You made this shit. You brought these assholes into our lives. Right. Yeah.

I remember feeling like that. Like, I remember when my mom got pregnant with the twins and my other sister literally looking at her and being like, how are we going to afford it? Like she was eight.

asking how are we going to afford it? Like, what are you guys doing? You're just being reckless at this point. You know? So that was like kind of the vibe. Yeah, is dad going to have to represent another dictator in court to pay for our fucking country club fees now? I don't know. How are we going to keep our membership? I'm not splitting tennis lessons. I won't do it. I'm putting my fucking tiny foot down.

Oh, fuck. Did you ever date any of the, any, like, real, like, those, like, Nova rich kids? Was that ever? I didn't really. I never, like, I mean, I had, like, a serious boyfriend in high school, but they were, like, he wasn't, like, a Nova rich kid. You know what I mean? I really, because Nova's weird. Like, there's...

Like, Great Falls is, like, kind of an area in Nova, or was, where you had, like, just middle class, like, working class families. And, like, I would... I tended to date, like, that. Gotcha. You know what I mean? Just guys that, like, had a good weed hookup. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like... But were you going to private schools or public schools? I went to public school. You went to public school. Okay, so you had access. I was the only one that went to public school. Oh, wow. Yeah. Gotcha. They saw, they were like, we'll see how this goes. They're like, she'll be fine. Yeah.

Throw in public school. So, okay, cool. Yeah. Because I just imagine, like, you know, some weird, like, D.C. area private school that, like, other people don't know. Because they do have those little pockets where it would be, like, you just turn down a street and you'd be, like, it's nothing but mansions in this little part of, like, Virginia or D.C. Yeah. And it's, like...

and it's like not that far from others. Like little secret, there's so much money in that like corridor that like. Secret money alcoves. Yeah, there's so many of them and like there's like that, you know, there's parts in Maryland they're like that, the Bethesda, all that kind of shit and then in Northern Virginia there's a lot of that. I feel like the economic development of D.C., like the uneven economic

economic development, how it would change from block to block, just kind of spread through Maryland and Virginia. Yeah, for sure. You know what I mean? For sure. Where you would just be, it would be one neighborhood and the next was just completely different. For sure. But, um...

Yeah. They had you in public school smoking weed. Yeah. You know, being a little troublemaker. All my sisters were in boarding school and private school. They went to, like, the Hill School where my grandfather went and where my father went. And they just totally skipped that for me. They didn't even fucking apply. They were just like, she's not getting in there. She's not getting in. They're like, there's not a chance. She just can't.

Not a chance. She doesn't have a single bone in her body that belongs there. That's so fucking funny. My parents just knew it immediately. That's crazy. They just, first born, they don't even bother. They were just like, it's not going to happen. We'll take a mulligan. Yep. Yeah, they're like, all right, we fucked that one up. That was the first draft. She's going to go to public school. She'll figure it out. And.

And the rest of you guys are going to be set up for success. That's so funny because it's like when you said Bubz, I was like, oh, okay. Good for Rosebud's parents. They're like, you know what? We're going to raise our kids normal. But it was actually like just kind of a... It was just me. Just kind of like shitting on you. Like there's no way to read that and not be like my parents don't care about me as much.

Because when you're a kid, you don't get that this is actually better for you, that you're actually becoming a regular person in a way that your siblings don't. Like, they actually did you a huge favor. But you didn't know that when you were a kid. When you were a kid, it probably felt like, what the fuck? They get to go to these expensive schools and I'm going to fucking public school? To be honest with you, it never even, I wasn't, it was too stupid to notice.

I really didn't even, I just, it just went like, woo! Like, I couldn't even, I remember thinking, like, oh, it kind of sucks they have to, like, go to, like, Pennsylvania to go to school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sucks to me. But I also, like, I kind of worked my whole public school education in this weird way where, like, I did four classes at school, and then I went to, like, a gifted and talented program in a different public school for, like, a, for, like,

Arts and theater. They had that kind of weird shit in D.C. Yeah. So I did that. And I was like, to me, that was like, I'm basically the greatest child that they've had. I didn't know that that's not that my sisters were killing it. Right. Like a legacy school. Yeah. Like literally living my father, my grandfather's legacy for them. And I was just kind of like.

fucking dicking around in a public school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing monologues in public school. Yeah. Did any of your sisters like stick with that? Did they ever go into any like business, politics, any of that shit? No, my sister, that's the thing, it's like it didn't even pay off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My sister, she's a nurse.

And then my other sister is, she does PR for like an art gallery. Okay. Yeah. Gotcha. So not really closest. PR is the closest. PR is the closest. If she wanted to, she probably could transition into some more of that shit, but doesn't want to. She's got it in her. Like I could see her kind of like doing some cutthroat. She's like a...

She's like a fashionable lesbian in Manhattan. Oh, wow. Who works at an art gallery. That's one of the scariest people I've ever heard described. Yes, yeah. Fashionable lesbian. Yeah. Manhattan lesbian. Recent lesbian, too. Oh, wow. Recent. Interesting, interesting. Wow, how recent. Very disappointed stray woman. Yeah.

Just how much subpar... It's the tootsie roll thing where it's like, how much subpar dick does it take to make you a lesbian? How many licks does it take to get to the center? I'll be honest, she fucked two comics when she moved here and now she's gay. I'm just going to put that out there. That's a huge mistake. Tell me off mic who they were later. Oh, I will. You bet. Yeah.

That's fucking hilarious. Eldest, we never talked about your dynamics. I mean, you were pretty squarely the baby. Marilyn is like, was like another parent. Marilyn was doing everything. Marilyn was always like, because my parents didn't know English that well. Oh, yeah. My parents kind of didn't. Eldest's parents, we grew up together, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eldest's parents, like, didn't. His mom. Are you also Greek? I'm Albanian. Albanian. Yeah. How dare you, Rosebud? I don't know. He's clearly Albanian. I'm like, see, he did. Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, my sister was, she's like five years older than me. So she was always getting sent into stores to ask for directions. Making phone calls, doing that administrative shit, stuff like that. Do you ever feel like your parents maybe like faked it a little bit? Just like they were like, oh, we can't. That's a great question. Because I'm like...

Well, no, because if you can, you can't. I mean, if you don't know how to, like, call someone on the phone. Your dad definitely was not faking. That motherfucker definitely couldn't. Your mom, I feel like, is so resourceful. She could have figured it out. My mom was more capable of it but didn't realize it. Well, she also just didn't realize it because of, like, you know.

misogyny like indoctrination from communist albania she's like i could i could never call the electric company sort this bill out how could i ever even if i knew english better yeah yeah yeah so fucking funny um that's what i'm gonna use as my excuse yeah i could never possibly ever

But no, I guess that's so true because your sister was so very capable and you really were the fat little dumbass of the family. Just reading poetry and your thighs chafing together in your little sweatpants. Did she do poetry? Poetry?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm a proud lifelong reader. Yeah, I'll just love you. Appreciator of literature. Okay. You fucking nerd. A proud lifelong reader. That's something I've never heard anyone describe themselves as. We went to elementary school together, and then he went to like, his family moved out of

a really shitty neighborhood which now has become completely gentrified if they had stuck around would have been a great decision and they went to like this fucking horrible suburb and Eldest was just like at an arts school like just which arts school Carver Center was this in Maryland yeah yeah Carver Center in like Towson

Okay. And he was just like, yeah, he went, he lost all the, like, we stayed in Baltimore and it's not like we were big tough guys or anything, but boy, did Eldest lose any edge he possibly could have had. They had his ass sheltered. I don't know. I mean, yeah, I always was sheltered. I think it's like just something in me and something that would have like...

incubated even if we're in the city. Absolutely. Maybe a little less if I hung out more with you guys. A little less. You would have gotten roasted so much more. I met your high school friends, dude, and it was like, if

If I was comfortable around those people, like if those kids went to my high school and I went to a, you had to test in, this wasn't just like a regular Baltimore high school. At my high school, any of those kids gets eaten alive. Like they get so like. Were they gifted and talented kids or were they like dumb ass? They were like art kids. Oh, they were art kids. It was like theater, art. You can't send an art kid to Baltimore, period. No, no, no. I've talked about this on other episodes, but it was like there was a thing that switched

Like, when I was just in seventh grade, where I was like... Because I was a theater. I love theater. I love drama. And then, like, being in Baltimore, I was like... At seventh grade, I was like, oh, this is gay. And I'm going to play sports now. Because I don't want to be ridiculed. Like, that's like... It just happens. That happened to me in eighth grade. Yeah. When I was like, oh...

oh, okay. Like I can still do theater, but I can't do musicals. Yeah. I can't do this around. These people are, that's a different level of like nerd. Whereas when you go to an art school, it's like there isn't, that shame doesn't exist. Yeah. Everyone kind of supports pretty much every artistic endeavor. And so you get to really be a fucking nerd with, you know, that doesn't have to worry about like getting mocked or ridiculed or anything like that. That's one thing that shook

me when I moved to SNL is I was like, oh, everybody's really supportive. Yeah. Everybody. I was like, that's like a different thing. And they could use a little roasting on that show. They could use just a little. This is very supportive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all going to be very. Too many Harvard. But also, it was like everybody was new and now it's starting to feel a little bit more. Let's get it cutthroat. Now it's getting a little bit more like. Let's get people having panic attacks in the bathrooms. It's fun. Yeah, yeah.

Before it was just like you walk into an office and someone would be silently crying at their desk. I'm like, hmm, okay. We'll come back. Yeah.

It was bad. Yeah. I'll never forget, like, knowing, finding out I was pregnant right after. Like, I knew I was pregnant, but I hadn't tested or anything. So I was, like, walking past. Travis Kelsey had, like, done his thing. Oh, hell yeah. Like, he'd done the reading. Yeah. And he's so bad at reading. Yeah. And he's, like, this crazy CD. And I was just, like, just. He's a tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs eldest. Yeah. He's, like. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Just so you know. Yeah.

I'm like, he... Mr. Lifelong Reader. I'm like, what's he ridden? He was sitting there, like, doing his... Like, we do, like, the table read, and he did half of it, and he fucked it up, and he was, like, in his dressing room, and I walked past the dressing room, and I hear him practicing reading with his jock friend. Oh, no. And I started sobbing.

I was like, oh, something's wrong. I was like, oh, something's definitely off. I'm crying because a football player is practicing reading. Because a millionaire Super Bowl champion can't read. Can't read his monologue. It was literally just, and it wasn't even that. It was just like how sweet it was. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That like two jocks were practicing reading together. Oh, true, true, true, true. And I was like, what is wrong?

up with me. What is going on? Yeah, no pregnancy test needed. Right. I know something. My hormones are off. Something is off. Yeah. That I'm like, oh, what a sweet dog.

Sweet dummies. Well, I love it. Why don't we, look, we could talk all day. So much interesting stuff to get into. But we got to bring this soon-to-be mother, former alcoholics, which we didn't even get into, her perspective to our listeners' problems. So why don't we take some questions? Rosie, how's that sound? Yeah, sounds great. Let's do it. Stavi, baby. Stavi, baby. Try to keep this short and sweet. Been with my wife.

Jesus! Heard that before.

to my wife stating how I don't have much money saved up, how I drink too much. And my wife is just like, this is how mom is. This is how she's always been. She doesn't really like anybody, but I cannot stand being around this bitch. And she lives in South Carolina now. I'm living in Cincinnati, but she's moving back soon and I'm fucking dreading it. And I'm getting nervous that she's going to affect my marriage.

Because I don't like being around this kind. And I swallow my pride and I do things for her and I do everything I can. Excuse me. Oh, my God. Just to make peace. But every time I see her, she's got some bullshit remarks, something to fucking say. Like, my life is in shambles. And I have money saved, me and her just bought an awesome house.

Um, and then on the flip side, she's always bitching at me to fucking have kids. Oh my god. She's confused here and don't really know how to handle this kind, and I just need a little advice from you. Oh my god. You big, beautiful Greek bitch. I don't know why she doesn't like you. Yeah.

That's crazy. He seems so nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is possible she's a dumb bitch, but man, you got to work on your messaging, partner. It's like, she sounds horrible, but you can't drop three. It's really hard to take your side here. You can't drop three C-bombs in a row. He's definitely like leaning to the side and farting in the middle of their sentences at the dinner table. Anyway, this cunt. Yeah.

She's always fucking shitting on me because I shit my pants. Um...

Yeah, this is a tough one. I don't know. Do you have any insights about in-law? Do you have any in-law insights, anything like that? Yeah, I mean, listen, in-laws are tough because they're like parents you can't be mean to. It's just like... And that is what it is. That's a good way to put it, yeah. And you just can't be mean. So I kind of get why it's all coming out while he's writing to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's just like you hold it in so hard when she's around, but...

Yeah, I don't know, man. It's really hard to tell who's a bigger cunt. It's really hard to tell. I guess, okay, yes. It really is. And I think... Okay, so she's moving back, but is she moving... It's not clear if she's moving back into their house. Not into their house, but I think just in the same city. All right, so...

I don't know. How hard is it to avoid your mother-in-law? I mean, if she's moving back in, she seems like the kind of person who wants to be involved a lot. There's no kids to be involved with, though. I guess that's true. But who knows? They might have kind of a family that gets together a lot. I don't know. It seems like he's worried about it. Right. Now, look, she's got some fucking horrendous remarks.

Yeah, writing a letter to your wife is a pretty cunty move. That's crazy. Writing a letter, basically being like, leave him. Yeah. And then on the flip side, she's always bitching me to have kids. She just wants grandkids at this point. She doesn't really give a fuck about you. You think, it's not confusing. She wants grandkids and she'll...

She'll gladly be in your children's life, but not worry about you at all. She'll gladly root for you to get her daughter pregnant and then for her daughter to divorce you in the same year. She doesn't give a fuck. Once people get old, they don't really worry about that shit so much. It's like, I just want my daughter to have a kid that I can help. And if it's helpful at all, the more a parent pressures you to leave your spouse alone,

the harder you're going to stay. I mean, it's like, she can write all the letters that she wants to fucking your daughter, to Congress, to who gives a shit. No one, your wife's not going anywhere because the more letters she gets from her mom being like, he's bad news, the more turned on she's going to get. Yeah, that's a good point. That's certainly a possibility. I guess my question here is like, look, there's nothing you can do about your mother-in-law. This is more important now

I think talking about this with your wife is really the important thing. I feel like... Not like, don't do it like this, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do it like this. No, absolutely not. But if...

Like, let's say he's right. Yeah. And her mom... I believe he's right. ...is being a bitch, has these, like, needles him with these remarks, is kind of whatever. Yeah. I think it's kind of a red flag if his wife doesn't support him and take his side a little bit here. You know what I mean? Like, that's, to me, the worry is... Because he's worried about his marriage being affected. Here's the thing. If you're going to be a really good husband, you're going to say, like...

You're not going to force anybody to take sides. You're going to make it easier on her. Because her mom is going to be there just gnawing at her and being like, you should be the way that I want you to be. And she doesn't need two voices in her head telling her it's me or her. Good point, yeah. That is the less loving thing to do, I think, across the board.

That's a good point. That's true. And ultimately, it is her fucking mom. And the less you do that, the more your wife is going to take your side naturally. Right, right, right. It's like, if you're kind of like...

Yeah, she can go ahead and do whatever she's got to do and say whatever she's got to say about me. Like, we're already married, you know? Yeah, I guess the way to look at it is treat your mother-in-law like she's a homeless guy that got into your house. Yeah. When a homeless guy calls you a fucking... a fat idiot, you're like, okay, sorry, but... Just, she's...

The way you're like, you feel bad for the homeless guy. You're like, this guy's insane. His life is so much worse than mine. Yeah. She's a miserable old bitch. And on some level, her life is so much worse than yours. She has no control. She's got a metal in your shit. She's going to try and metal, but if you just let it roll off your back...

You kind of... You're absolutely right, Rosebud. Because I... You're completely correct. Like, my first thing was like, get your wife in the mix. Let's be a team about this. Let's look at her mother as a problem together. Right. But like, you know, that's...

That can be hugely backfiring. You're going to make your life so much easier by just letting it roll off your back and literally paying it no attention at all. Treat her like an insane person who snuck into your home. Yeah. And just be nice and just kind of be like, you know, kill her with kindness.

don't let it get to you the way it's clearly already gotten to you. Yeah. And, you know, do you have some other issues? Like, do you have problems with criticism? Maybe she can sniff it on you. Because the last thing you want is to just get goaded into an argument where you will look like a piece of shit. Yeah. Like, if you blow up at her at fucking Thanksgiving and call her a cunt. She's literally trying to get this out of you. Yeah, yeah. Like, she's trying to get all of this. She's winning by you behaving this way. Exactly. No, good point, good point. It's kind of like if you just, like,

sit back and go like, all right, whatever lady, just keep yapping until you're dead. I'm here and I'm going to impregnate your daughter. Then it's like, okay. Or even better, you could fuck with her and be like, like that old Louis C.K. bit about giving a kid, like how fun it is to give a little kid the finger. Yeah. Because no one will ever believe them. Say, whisper atrocious shit to her. You know what I mean? Like, you're going to die, Barbara. Yeah.

You're going to die sooner than me. Just write it in her mashed potatoes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the only thing you do. You could not poison her, but you could put a little, you know, what's the thing that makes you shit?

A little ex-lax. A little ex-lax. A little mirror-lax. You know what I mean? Like, really make... You could go, like, a home alone. Yeah. Do little pranks and little... Just a full 90s movie, like, comedy movie. Like, very minor inconveniences and just... But embarrassing ones. Yeah, but you can't get caught. That's very high risk. Yeah. Because you get caught...

you know, whispering death threats to your mother-in-law. You're going to get in trouble. Yeah. But maybe every once in a while if she really pissed you off, treat yourself to one little X-lax pill in her fucking mojito. To me, I'm like, there's no way this is going to affect your marriage unless you get caught. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Good luck, buddy. That sounds horrible and truly an atrocious situation, which I don't wish on anyone. No, that's awful. It's really awful. I haven't. Yeah, I don't know how it handle a bad like I

I really would. This would work on me and I would blow up at this woman. I just know I would. I've been in that position with a different in-law and I've fucking completely blown up and it absolutely blew up in my fucking face. And I'm like, just don't. I'm like, trust me, the less you, it's just easier when you just don't. You're right. And that's why we have you on the pod.

Because I would have given this guy bad advice if you weren't here. Luckily, I've lived it already. Fuck that bitch, dude. Yeah. All right, I'll just hit us with another one, baby. Gabby, baby, love you, love the show. I need your help. I called before about the situation. However, things have escalated, and my husband and I really need some advice.

Um, so we have a super close friend. We've been homies for a long time. We care deeply for this person. And back in 2020, um, this friend started seeing a girl that they've been together for awhile now and like, she's just kind of a total bitch.

I don't want to go on about her, but just- Is this a follow-up or is this new? This is new. I don't think we ever did a call from her. I called before about the situation. Oh, but you just never played it? She sounds like someone who called in. My bad. I don't remember this one, but we're listening with fresh ears. And it'd be one thing if he was getting amazing pussy all the time, but he is not. Oh, wow.

Oh, shit.

We feel like he might be settling. We love this guy. We want to see him happy. So we just don't really understand why he's considering marriage with someone who kind of makes him what we perceive as like really miserable. Help us out if you can. I just, you know, I don't want to have feelings and I want him to be happy, but like, I just don't know about this. So thank you. Love you. Talk to you.

This is a tough one. That sucks. Yeah, so I have a couple questions. How do you know he's not getting pussy all the time? This is my, that's my number one question. Yeah, what's the, where's the nanny cam? How do you know how much he's nutting? Because a lot of times...

It is... People are very... Like, sometimes it's Occam's razor. And when you see a couple that seems like they don't get along, they just fuck awesome. They fuck like crazy. They just have an awesome setup. They just have some kind of... Something is, like... And I'll be, like...

People that I can't get over, like, even if I didn't like them that much or whatever, it's like the people that really linger are the ones that fuck the best. Yeah. I wish it was not the case. I wish I wasn't an animal like that. No, but that's just a fact. That's just how it works. That's just a natural fact that happens. Like, if they fuck really good, they're not the one, but it's that's... They still fuck really good. Yeah. And sometimes someone is... If they fuck so good that...

Maybe if they didn't fuck as good, they wouldn't be the one, but they're okay enough that... There's some relationships that people take it that far. That's the secret to their relationship is that they keep fucking. There are relationships like that. True. So that would have been my one guess, right?

But this doesn't feel like you you see me really know this though I mean it feels like they really know it and I also which means I feel like it came from him like that He told them possible. Yeah And I wonder so you have you have this close friend and you guys have known each other for a while and he started seeing somebody three years ago, and you don't like her basically Right now part of this is like sometimes it's not about like it's tough to realize it's not about you and

This could be what he wants. And, you know, you have to kind of like check what you want versus like, hey, if this makes my friend happy, fine. Yeah. I mean, some people are just they just want to cut themselves. It doesn't feel that way. Right. And that's just what they're into. Yeah.

You know? Okay, but let's take them at face value and say they're completely right. This woman's a fucking idiot. I am. Yeah, okay, cool. I'm saying he might want to cut himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Emotionally. Right, right, right. He might want to sign up for a life of punishment because that's what gets him hard. And that's just the way it is. Okay, but now let's say there is no positive to it and he's just kind of like...

He will be miserable. And this woman is kind of... Because this happens too where it's like someone does kind of take advantage of another person and just kind of like... I don't believe that there's... I don't believe that it's like 100% one-sided though like that. Like if you are... And I believe this in all relationships that are like clearly toxic relationships. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That having been the person on both sides of it. Right, right, right. I'm like...

You are there's some kind of agreement that you've either made with yourself or with this person where it's like, okay I'm yes, I'm miserable, but I get to feel like a hero because I'm putting up with this person and I'm such a I'm such a good person because look at all the shit that I deal with and then all your friends are like You're such a good person. Why are you doing this? And you're like, I don't know. I guess I'm a fucking angel

angel. And you just get these pats on the back and you feel like a hero, but you are filled with deep foaming resentment. Yeah, but exactly. It's going to eventually just, you know, he's going to kill her. He's going to end up killing her. And he's going to get a Netflix documentary and you're going to enjoy watching him. You're going to say, look at him shine. He looks so good. He looks so good in those prison tan uniforms. Um,

Yes, you're absolutely right. That can happen for people. But I also think like they're basically saying, how do we save this person? Do you think it's possible? Do you think they can? Because in my experience, you really can't. No, you really can't. I was going to say, I don't want to bum you out, but absolutely not. You just kind of have to be there, be a supportive friend if they want to.

If you want to try and steer things a little bit, that's fine. But like sometimes I really... If you really go against someone who... A significant other that the person is just has made their mind up, then you risk kind of alienating your friend too. Yeah. If they feel like this is the person they love and you just come fucking... You can have a moral victory and be correct. Yeah. Or you can stay in this person's life who's your best friend. We got a fucking theme going on here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We really do. Yeah.

I don't know what you can do here. Truly, it's like if he brings it up, if he asks for your advice, you can be forthright. You don't have to lie. Yeah, you don't have to pretend like you're happy for him. But also, you can't... I don't know. What do you want to do? Sit him down and have an intervention, but your fiancé is a dumb bitch intervention? I don't think that'll work. That's not going to work. That's not going to work. That's going to be a bad situation.

Sorry, pal. That's the way it is. Sometimes your friend ends up with a dumb bitch. Yeah. And you just kind of have to... Sometimes you marry a lady with a dumb bitch mom. Yeah, yeah. You know? Tough. Sometimes it just happens. Tough stuff. Sometimes a mom's a cunt. Sometimes a girlfriend's a cunt. That's right. That's right. Sometimes they both are. We all got to live with cunts in our lives. Yeah, yeah. That's the moral of the story.

So, yeah, we really don't got much for you. Yeah. If it pops up, you can be honest, but I would say do not push it. Don't try and sit them down and preemptively break them up. Yeah. That's a weird move. Yeah. You got something a little different, Eldis, or is it all the same shit? Not to talk about the shit that's going on. I like this accent. Yeah.

Don't know if you've ever seen that movie twins. Oh, yeah, yeah, we're to make a baby to Vito But I've kind of got that situation going right now I'm gonna turn me on crossmate. I'm making a ton of money. I love my career. I love my life Okay from home. I work out all the time. I'm in great shape pauses So they the movie twins

For those of you who don't know, I watched it very recently. It's on Netflix, so go check it out. Arnold Schwarzenegger, there was an experiment on an island to make the perfect man. Yes. And like eight of the world's smartest and some of the most jacked men all beat off in a cup and they mixed it together and impregnated one woman. And they made Arnold Schwarzenegger. And they made Arnold, right? Yeah.

And then Arnold finds out later that there was an accidental twin, and it was Danny DeVito. And Arnold's the man. He's a genius. So this guy, to be clear, not coming off very sympathetic, because he's, if I had to guess, he's saying he's Arnold. He's saying...

Eight of the world's most handsome and jacked men beat off in a cup and they made me. Yeah. And Danny DeVito in the movie, by the way, he's Danny DeVito. He's a con man, but he also gets a lot of pussy in that movie. He does. It's kind of crazy how much that's a part of the plot is that he fucks so much. He's hot in that movie.

I feel like he's hot. Yeah, he's not even that fat anymore. He's not fat, but he's just a tiny man with a, he's got a full ponytail. Yeah. And he's getting pussy. So anyway, that's a little twins primer. He's like a tiny Tony Soprano. Yeah, he has that vibe for sure. He's involved with the mafia. Yeah. They try, you know, I don't want to spoil too much. Great movie. You should see it. So anyway, this guy's claiming he's Arnold. It feels like. Let's finish the question.

I'm just really happy, man. And things are going really well. But like my older brother, who's like three years older than me, he's like, he's fat, he's balding. He works like a dead end job that he hates, like hates his girlfriend. He's just really like, he's like unhappy in his life, you know?

And, like, when I was younger, it would be really cool to hang out with each other and, like, he was, like, cool. But now it's kind of like, I don't know, man, like I intimidate him or something or, like, I make him feel bad. And I don't want to make him feel bad, so I try to, like... You're definitely making him feel bad. ...not talk about shit that's going on and, like, how great things are. But then I just feel like we don't really connect on anything, you know? And, like, how do I...

How do I like, you know, not like sun him? Just by like, you know, being me. This guy sucks. Yeah, really. But like connect better. What do you think? I'm so fucking awesome and it's causing my brother serious psychological problems. How do I not stun him by like just being me? Yeah. How do I not fill him with fucking jealousy just by walking, breezing through a room?

What do you think? And by the way, what's his fucking work from home lawyer? Yeah, what the fuck kind of lawyer? Let's fucking relax. I was gonna say, that was a right there. I was like, that seems like a red flag. And by the way, pal, you didn't have to frame this as a twin situation, okay? Yeah. You're not Arnold. You got an okay job. You probably live in some shitty fucking city. You probably make $90,000 a year and you think you're rich and your brother's just kind of, you know, going through it right now. Your brother's probably like

living a real life. Yeah. He's living a real fucking life. I work out all the time. He's probably caused a couple of miscarriages. Yeah. He's probably been through some shit. He could write a book. You just, you've got like, you could do like a motivational podcast for assholes. Yeah. It does sound like maybe you do subscribe to some of that. Well, you know, I guess he's calling it a style of his world, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. Okay. Let's not claim he's an Andrew Tate guy or something like that. Even though we know. But,

So look, didn't have to frame it twins-wise, but it is very possible that, I do think that the sibling dynamic, that can lead itself to, because it's natural to kind of compare yourself to your siblings, and it is natural to like, if you feel like, if this guy, if his brother...

Fat and balding doesn't sound so bad to me personally. I don't know why you had to lead with those two. Yeah, it was kind of a weird read the room situation. I think that's fine. I think plenty of flat and balding men are men to be respected in positions of authority. That's neither here nor there.

Dead-end job. Sex symbols, even. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dead-end job. Hates his girlfriend. Now, those are kind of markers of, like, maybe this guy is depressed. Like, this could be a clinical... He's literally clinically depressed. Your attitude is strange. I feel like you're not really trying so hard to connect to your brother, and it feels like... It seems like you're disappointed that he's not happy for you. Yes. That's what it is. And you're mad you can't brag more around him? Yeah. It feels like, which, look...

What else do you guys connect with? It's not like... When I hang out with my brothers, we don't talk about our fucking careers. We don't talk about... We watch fucking dumb movies. We, you know, we just like... We go out to eat. We hang out. We shit on our parents. You know what I mean? Like, we do brother shit. I don't have to like... And maybe I've helped my brothers with their stuff. Like, I've been lucky. Like, the last couple years have been good. And I've like helped my brothers out with like their jobs, their careers, whatever. But it's like...

We don't fixate on that stuff. We just hang out as brothers. Right. When you see your sisters, I'm sure you guys are just like, you fall into like, you know, you just guys hang out. Like it's not... Well, I come from a different kind of family. Okay. Okay. Everyone is... Everybody's very achievement focused. Okay. Interesting. But it doesn't make any sense because nobody's really achieved anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it doesn't... So it's like, it is all a farce. And that's what this kind of seems like to me is it's like...

Yeah. Your brother might be a little unhappy, but it's like when you're walking around being like, I just don't understand why you're not happier for me. And he's like, he's clearly in a bad spot in his life, which is temporary. And he could fucking smoke you in the next two years. Right. And you'll be feeling like a real asshole. And,

And yeah. Because shit can switch. You know what I mean? It definitely can. And if, and yeah, you're, I think you're right, Rosebud, where it's like, he's clearly in a bad spot right now. And it's like, well, why not try and fucking help him out of it? Why not talk to him about how he feels? Like I have gotten to, like my brothers have helped me out. My brother, I've helped my brothers out when it's like, I can tell they're a little bummed and it's like, and even if they're hard to get to, it's like, if you try long enough, you're

your brother will open up to you. Right. But are you just trying to have like surface level interactions with him where it's like, yeah, dude, close the case, you know, made 30K commission. Like, is that what you're trying to do? Are you trying to talk about buying a new car? But it's like, no, try and connect to him as a human being. Do shit that you guys like together. You know, whatever it was. For me and my brothers, it's fucking dumb action movies. Yeah.

Taking sometimes taking a little mushrooms, taking some edibles. Right. You know, going getting dumplings like that's we're very simple. You might not be able to talk about all the great shit you have going on. But like you're not it's not you're talking to your brother. You're not doing a fucking like tick tock. Yeah. Just go watch a movie. And if you can't talk to him about stuff, go watch a movie together and like.

I don't know. Talk about the movie. If there's nothing else to talk about, talk about something that has nothing to do with either of you. Totally. And by the way, I, my brothers have helped me like, you know, when I, I feel like this last tour, this last couple of years, like I,

Have really fucked my health up. My brother's a trainer. He works out. I'm going to Baltimore and he's going to just help me out. We're going to work out together for like a month. All I'm doing for the month of August is working out with my brother. It'll be nice. We have some quality time together. Like if you're saying he's fat, he's like, you know, depressed, uh,

And you work out all the time. Can you, you know, pitch like, hey, man, come work out with me. I'll do I'll show you what I do or I'll figure some stuff out. There's stuff you could tangibly do if you want to help improve your brother's life. And I think that's what you want to do that if he's really like if the dynamic is really like that, where you're because I'm picking up on the kind of competitive dynamic between the two of them.

I don't know if that's... Maybe, that's true. I guess I'm lucky we have a pretty... But if one of my sisters, if I was feeling the way that I feel right now currently, and one of my sisters was like, come over and work out with me, I'd be like, how about you go fuck yourself and call me after? Sure. You know what I mean? So you can read the room, maybe have a slice of pizza with your brother and get him into therapy. I don't know what it is. But whatever it is, figure it out and do a little...

You owe it to him if you really want to help him out. If he's bummed and you're in a great place, you have to do a little bit more of the work. You have to think about how to approach him better. Now, look, it can be kind of draining to really put that effort in, but if you love your brother and you care about him and you really want to do what you want to say, then that's what it's going to take. It's just going to take effort, like anything in life. Yeah, take cues from him and just fucking...

Be a good bro. I've been on both sides of that where it's like, and you know, it's very, I, when, when I kind of see if I've, if I'm helping my brother through something, it feels very gratifying when it starts to feel like there's like progress. Right. And the same thing. It's like, I felt like when I'm finally coming out of it and my brothers have helped me, it's like, I'm really grateful to them. So you need to work as the guy who's doing, if you, if you're truly Arnold, you're,

prove it by doing the hard you have to do all the hard work you have to save your Danny DeVito brother yeah prove that you're Arnold prove that you're not a douchebag calling in with a false equivalency on this on this podcast and actually do the Arnold work it's obvious that he does want to connect with his brother because I feel like you wouldn't reach out if sure you know what I mean

It's just like coded in his language is his attitude about himself that made us go like bleh. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. - But yeah, it's obvious you love your brother. - Yeah. Hit us with another one, Big Eld. - Hey, Stav, long time listener. Second time caller. I called in on one of the very early episodes about getting my heart broken after I fell hard for a girl on a first date. - First? - I got past that now. - He's past it. - It's been probably eight months.

Haven't really been dating seriously, just been working on myself, my personal and career goals. After one date. Let's clear your mouth first. Hit back some old friends of benefits, started fucking a little bit again. Hit back some old friends of benefits, started fucking a little bit again. And one of the people I've been kind of connected with, she's bi and we really want to do like a threesome with a second girl.

But my question is, you already know I got the fucking dick pills on tap. Nice. But do I go to those in this moment, or do I just kind of, like, go for fully enjoying things naturally with, like, no risk of side effects, but then also risk, like, completely choking in the moment and then just, like, completely fucking up this, you know, once-in-a-lifetime kind of holy grail type of opportunity? You know, just for some extra context, I tried one of these pills

pills so far. It was pretty, like, awesome. I mean, in a sense of, like, it did exactly what it was supposed to do, but it was also, like, my dick was, like, hella numbed, and I was having, like, terrible fucking headaches the next couple days. I mean, you obviously, like, I don't need to fucking explain to you the deal. You're obviously better than the game. Did you see the last 15 minutes of my first special? Pause this. Another thing

Literally, this exact scenario is the last 15 minutes of my special. I fucked two girls with a soft dick, and it was one of the worst moments of my life. And then I fucked them with too much of a dick pill, and it was still pretty awesome, even though I felt all these side effects. And my advice would just be, be Goldilocks with it. Don't take too many dick pills. You know, just take the one. If you have to deal with a headache, you deal with a headache. You don't want to go into this soft, pal. No.

No. You will be regretting it for the rest of your life. Believe me. This opportunity is not going to come around many times. Obviously, I don't have any experience with this. But I will say when people ask me, like, do you want to do a natural birth? Ha ha ha ha ha.

That's sort of the female equivalent of your situation right now. Yeah, that's a great point. I don't need to experience that naturally. No. Give me the drugs. Yes. We'll get through it. Give me the drugs. Let's figure this out. And I'll walk away from this with a happy memory. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can hold your head high with your numb ass, hard ass dick, pal. Yeah. What was he saying at the end? Yeah, yeah. It was the...

That's awesome, dude. I like this guy a lot.

There's something I really need to get on his shoulder. Eldest is like, go to kindergarten with a guy that ends up accidentally getting famous on the internet. That's his big advice. Go to kindergarten and become lifelong friends with a man that has an ironic podcast and then the algorithm just picked him up and took him to new heights. That's what Eldest will tell you. Yeah. Meet a guy who wins the lottery. Yeah.

And you're set. This could be the start of my stand-up career. My corporate gig at this place. Corporate eldest. Charging fucking... I'm going to hire JP to write me a tight tag. I'm like, dude, you got to help me out here. Eldest charging $1,000 an hour.

Hey, listen, man. Eldest is a free... Listen, what he does off company time, that's up to him. Hey, man, get in my DMs. Come back ready. We'll talk. Hell yeah. No, Eldest hilariously has become good at his job somehow. I was never expecting him to learn all this. I was expecting him to be horrible until the end, but... That's incredible. He really has. This is crazy how good he's gotten at all this stuff. Don't give yourself applause. Slow down. Let's go.

Slow down. But yes, take the dick pills. Don't be a fool. You know, just do what it takes. You want to get in there hard. I'm so curious about the top of this email. I'm so sorry, but I'm just like, really? I want to know. The top? What do you mean? I just want to know what the... I know it's not an email. Sorry, we're reading it. Oh, the voicemail. But yeah, I want to know exactly...

Oh, the thing he said about getting his heart broken on our first date. Yes. Yeah, that's tough. And it's been eight months and he had to really focus on himself. I'm just, I'm like, definitely take the Jig Pills. I'm trying to think what call that, that may have been on like the first Sam Morrill episode or like episode one. I don't know. Did we answer his call?

Sounds... He's making it sound like... But either way, if he's been working on himself and his personal... He's doing great. ...interior goals for eight months, I do think take the dick pills. Take the dick pills. You don't want to... That to me reads as like, I haven't nutted in eight months. Yeah, yeah. He started hooking up with his friends with benefits. She was going to set him up with a threesome. Don't be a fool. Take the dick pills. That's great, yeah. I'm going to go a little left. Hold on. Go ahead, Eldest. Don't... Don't succumb. Go in natural. Natural.

If you lose it, if your dick doesn't get hard or something, fuck it. Not worth it. Not worth it. Not worth it. I say fuck it. You say that you're perched in your comfortable relationship. You'll never face this dilemma. You're not in the fucking arena. Okay? As a man who's had threesomes hard and threesomes soft, I'll tell you, take them hard every day. Okay? Okay.

I'm very hard. I have had the exact thought, why didn't I take dick pills, mashing my semi-hard dick into two hot girls and just having them blow me. Yeah. I'm very hard on the dick pills are a slippery slope kind of. That's how I feel about it. Call me Cool Runnings. I'm down that slippery slope, brother. I'm fucking, I'm all the way down. If dick pills are a slippery slope,

Call me Cool Runnings. Call me Cool Runnings. Needs to be a t-shirt. I'm on that bobsled head first. Oh my God. I wish this guy luck. I really do. I believe in him. I do. I think if he takes the pills, he's going to be rock hard. He's going to have a great time. And so will they. So will they. That's the other thing, Eldis. You're talking selfishly. It's not just about you. It's not just about you. There's two other people in this equation. Right.

Every time my dick hasn't gotten hard, I hold my head up high. I don't succumb to social pressure. I don't believe... That's the Albanian in you, dude. Let me tell you something. That's like getting two soft dicks. A proud soft man. I'll never apologize. A proud soft man is infuriating. Sometimes you have an off night. There's nothing wrong with it.

If it's happening three or four times in a row, okay, that's one thing. Throw him in jail. Yeah. This is the guy you want to pay for career advice? Get in my DMs, buddy. I'd rather be the man who gets hard and hits me than a guy who's soft and is proud of himself. You need to be humbled by a soft dick a little bit. A little bit. You need to apologize just a little bit. You don't have to beat yourself up.

But you have to be like, all right, I should. It's got to be the woman's job to lift you up again after your dick gets off. No, keep it cool. You can't be doing it yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And listen, what you're talking about in a relationship or a hookup, whatever, yeah, every once in a while, something might happen. Your dick might not get hard. That's natural. But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity that you cannot leave to chance.

In my personal estimation. Says Javi with a suitcase full of dick pills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If only. And by the way, this is what you're missing out on. This is the kind of sponsors. This is the number one show without a dick pill sponsorship. That's crazy. Throw me hundreds of thousands of dollars. Look at this native advertising you could have had right here. This is crazy. I know. Crazy. Oh, my God. I'm about to clip this and send it to every dick pill manufacturer. Do it.

Let's do one more here. How long have we been going here, LD? We're at 139. Oh, what a great... I got to go on to take us home. Take us home. We've got our friend... We got to get our friend Rosie home. She's with child. We don't want to overwork her. Yeah.

It's illegal. Hey, Stavi, Eldest. I've got a question about restaurant etiquette. I'm a regular at a Lebanese restaurant and a Thai restaurant, and I want to know if it's ever okay to ask them to modify an order. I get the same thing at the Lebanese restaurant, a chicken soup with...

spinach pie. I think it'd be great if he just put a handful of parsley and squeeze a lemon on that chicken soup. The Thai restaurant, I always get a sticky rice with papaya salad and crispy beef. I think the crispy beef would benefit from a handful of

cilantro, squeeze a lime, maybe a little scallion. But I don't want to overstep my bounds. I mean, I'm a regular at both of those places. The vibe is really cool, especially at the Lebanese restaurant. The owner always has something cool to say when I'm in there, but...

Excuse me. I think the dishes would benefit. I'd be a happier customer, but I don't want to jeopardize my status at these restaurants. So let me know what you guys think, if it's cool or if it's not worth the risk. All right. Thanks. Bye. Damn. This man is a well-planned, well-thought-out. How do you make it out the door in the morning? This is crazy to me because, like,

It's one thing to be like, hey, can I get fries instead of rice? Or like, could I add cheese or something like that? But you've taken it to like the recipe level. Yeah, it's kind of the phrasing of it is a little... I understand why he thinks it's going to be bothersome. Well, here's what I'll say.

There's nothing wrong with asking for lemon and lime respectively, right? Yes. You can ask for a slice of lemon. You can ask for a slice of lime. You can do whatever the fuck you want with it. But when we start talking about parsley and cilantro and like... A handful. You can't tell them what their recipe is.

They don't fucking have cilantro. They don't put parsley on it. What the fuck do you want? A little less scallion? You can't ask for that. Now you're getting a little crazy, in my opinion. I think you're good with the lime. I think you're good with the lemon. You know what you could do is ask for the recipe. Make it at home with your modifications. See if you can do better. I don't know. Yeah. But that's like if you're a real, real regular and you're friends with the owner and you're like, look.

I get it if you can't do this, but I love this so much. I would love to make it at home. If you're ever down to give somebody the recipe, I'm first in line. You can just say that. Sure.

I think it's tough to ask for a restaurant's recipe. I think that's even, you're overstepping even more. Oh, sorry. Well, I'm a white lady. I think that I just, I'm hung up on the parsley and I'm hung up on the cilantro personally. Yeah. I don't know. That seems, it's just, you can't tell a man what kind of herbs to serve you in his dish. No. But you can ask him for lemon. Like, the herbs are not a side dish. That's so funny. Yeah.

Why is that so funny to me? You can't tell a man what kind of herbs to serve you in his dish. You absolutely can't. I think if he, like, it seems like he knows the lay of the land there and he's a pretty normal regular. Yeah. So if he knows, if he's, like, seeing constant, like,

cilantro, whatever the fuck he wants. And he just has a sense that it's like very readily available. Nothing wrong with asking for a little on the side to like put on your, put on your soup or something. Okay. You know what? Yeah. That's the thing. Ask for parsley and a little extra parsley and cilantro on the side. Phrase it that way on the side. You have to do the work here. You can't have them like,

lime and a little parsley on the side. Yeah, yeah. I think, okay, fine. This needs to be on your dish level and you got to do the work. Don't send the chef back. I would skip the little less scallion thing. I would skip saying that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't do that, buddy. That's, again, you cannot tell them how to prepare a dish. You can't.

You can't. It's crazy. But, all right, you're right. If he's got a real rapport with them, he's like, hey, can I have a little cilantro on the side? A little lime and cilantro on the side? That's okay. I think that's fine. I like that order. Crispy beef. That's a fucking great order. I want some crispy beef. I also totally understand the desire to tell someone how to cook it. I've been very specific recently about the way that I want my dishes. Yeah, but you're pregnant. But...

You could always lie and say that you have a wife that is. That's always a lie you could tell. I've been telling people on planes I'm pregnant for a long fucking time just to get that aisle seat, buddy. Tell them my wife's pregnant and she really likes it this way, then sit down and eat it right in there. Yeah. Just making sure she'll like it. Yeah, I think you're good. I think you're good here, Poppy. Poppy? Let's see.

Yeah, you know, it's been a while since I've been anywhere long enough to be around. I really just want to be a fucking regular somewhere where they just know you, where you just go in all the time. But I'm just never, you know. Dude, I was saying that today. I'm like, it feels like a fucking vacation just to be home. Yeah, it really does. No, like I was so pumped just like,

Make rice and broccoli and yeah salmon. I went grocery shopping today. I could have been fucking in the Bahamas felt great I can't wait to just be in Baltimore working on my brother and just like cooking like little healthy meals That's all nice. That's what my vacation you lost weight. I have not I've gotten fatter you have yeah I think so I thought you lost like 50 pounds I did two years ago, and then I went on the road and gained price 70 and

We look great, buddy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Jesus, how fat did Rosebud think I was? This is the fattest I've been in a while. I swear to God. It's probably I got bigger and so you look smaller. I'll take it. I'll take it. That's what it is. I got bigger and you look smaller and that's just how it actually affects the eyes.

Beautiful recovery there, Rosebud. Thank you so much for doing the podcast. It was so fun. Thanks for asking me. Of course. So fun. You're on the road. Where can people find you? Plug whatever you want. Plug away. I'm going to be in Milwaukee. Milwaukee Improv coming up. Tempe. Providence. Fucking whatever. You can find all my dates at rosebudbaker.com. Love it. Yeah. Yeah. Go find Rosebud. Go see her live. Pop.

Pods, Instagram, whatever you want to plug. Yeah, Rosebud Baker across the board. Love it. All over the place. You can just find me everywhere. Hell yeah. Yeah. Go see Rosebud. Listen to her stuff. See her stuff. And you can see my special too, Whiskey Fist. Yes, Whiskey Fist on YouTube. Yeah. Great special. Check her out. And yeah, we'll be back soon. Thank you guys. We love you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.