#25 - Derek Gaines and Dave Temple
01:46:48 Share

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOV, call in, we'll solve all your problems. Happy to have my boys, I got Derek Gaines, I got Dave Temple in Stavi's World, thanks for coming fellas. Thanks for having me man, thanks for having us. Yeah, no, we're hanging around, we're talking, watching Family Guy to go to bed. Mm-hmm.

That's my white noise. Peter Griffin is my white noise. Just seeing Peter's antics. We're talking that kind of stuff, man. It is funny, the cultural swing on Family Guy where it was like,

I don't know if you guys remember, we're all about the same age, but it was like, when it first came out, people, and it got canceled. I don't know if you, were you guys ever the Had Family guy on DVD? Yes. Generation, yeah, remember? That's actually where the falling asleep to it started. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I Needed You. Yeah. It was one of the songs. I need her. Yeah.

That was one of my favorite episodes. I remember that one. That was definitely like the DVD menu, you know what I mean? Absolutely. So like once the four episodes would play, that menu would just play over and over again in your sleep. You know what I mean? Yeah, we really are the last of the Mohicans when it comes to falling asleep to DVDs. DVDs.

It is the weirdest generation of how many technologies we've had to get used to. Yeah, man. But yeah, I remember the box set era. And I remember we basically resurrected Family Guy by buying it on DVD. Yeah, man. All you Zoomers that clip it now and put it on TikTok, you have us to thank. You have us as teenagers. I had all that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it kind of went to this like, oh, it's kind of Family Guy is hack. There was like an era where it was like, it's got too popular. Seth MacFarlane is, you know, he's a loser. He's singing all the time. He's doing these weird like cowboy musicals or whatever the hell he was on. And now I feel like it swung all the way back, especially for me anyway. It swung back with like seeing the clips. And you just see a Family Guy joke out of context.

and you're like, this shit is awesome. Yeah, it's great. Stewie rules. There's so many jokes. There's so many jokes. We got 21 seasons of this. Yeah. Watching it the way I watch it now is like compilations on YouTube. I don't think I can go back to a full episode. You know what I mean? Yeah, and I think that's the beauty. It's like a lot of media has been harmed by having to do short clips of everything. But Family Guy...

truly was always just a bunch of bullshit strung together. Yeah. It's so clippable. Yeah. You can put English on English on a cutaway and it'll go everywhere. And everything that South Park made fun of it for, where it was like, you know, it's like manatees or whatever, pick the things that is just greatest strength on in like the current era. Cause it's like, yeah, this shit is random, but in a 42nd clip, I'm captivated. Yeah.

I don't know how they would fit in Stewie and lingerie in a full episode, but right now I'm like, this is awesome. It's always been that way. I'll never forget once dating a girl. Her parents were pretty affluent. Her dad was a partner at a law firm. So we're there for Easter dinner. And I'm helping clean up at the end of the night. Big house and there's a TV in the kitchen that's mounted up. And I'm like, hey, can I put a little Sunday night?

Animation domination. I have not missed it since I was a fucking child. Stop making it a chore. So I put it on and it says that episode where they're drinking Ipecat and trying to see how long they can hold on. And that scene literally is on

And I'll never forget this girl's dad. He looks up at the TV and sees them all violently vomiting on everyone. And he just looks at me, goes, this the kind of stuff you watch? And I'm just like, yeah, man. I promise you, this is a great cartoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When Stewie was throwing up so much, he went, I don't want to. I don't want to. And then Brian threw up on Stewie. I was like, yes!

Come on, man. Shit is fucking genius. That's awesome, dude. And who is, so you, that girl was like, was that your first rich girl that you were dating? Were you trying to make a good impression? What age are we talking here? I'm probably about 25, 26. Nice. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Easter dinner, you got, I'm going to guess a pink polo on.

I wasn't, no, because I wasn't even that classy. You wasn't a pastel dude. I thought like a nice Lacoste zip up. Oh, okay. Like a track jacket. Yeah. A track jacket. You're like a mob henchman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was wearing it with jeans. Snigger, snigger pussy. Snigger pussy walked in. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, dude. And what kind of, what, now, because again, we are all the same generation. Was this...

I mean, when I was in high school, it was like the hilariously baggy jeans. Are we past that? Is this like the weird faded, like, Lucky Brand era with all the buttons and scars? Yes, exactly. Do you have those on?

- Plus an eye, plus a-- - I didn't go that far. - Okay. - I was never a cuts and a scar guy. - I'm the cuts and the scars guy. - I held on to baggy jeans. - You got scars on right now? - I got scars on right now. I scraped my jeans before I got here. - They're understated. This is when like a Lucky Brand guy grows up. Just have a couple on the knees. - Yeah, because there's no skin showing. - Yeah. - There's no skin showing. - There's cut, but then there's more jeans. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's planned out. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so we're just talking a nice Levi's boot cut.

Yeah. A nice Levi's boot cut. Yeah. Nice. And over, like, big jeans. Yeah, yeah.

going over tiny little pumas. You know what I mean? I was definitely like that tall black guy. You're like, what is he doing here? Right, right, right. That's awesome, dude. You could be doing karate or selling drugs. Yeah. This thing is a samurai. How long? Yeah. Backy has cheese little shoes on. He's gonna fix my head. Anyway. I love that, dude. Yeah. That's awesome, dude. Yeah, that's hilarious. I've never... I do remember I was...

I definitely did a little, like, cosplaying, because I grew up in Baltimore, you know, I'm trash, you know, I'm Baltimore, you know, Greek people did pretend to be rich whenever, so I had the polo look ready to go when I was dating, I dated an American girl and I went to her place for, like, Thanksgiving and shit like that, and, like, you know, for us, it's like, you dress up a little bit, but you also, like, we would bring changes of clothes to Easter, because we would have, like,

pick-up games. And we would have, like, you know, someone's grilling, so they're getting dirty. Or somebody would have a pool. Like, the one rich family we knew would, like, host Easter, and it would be, like, this all-awesome, like... You'd have your nice outfit, but then we'd go, you know... So when I had to, like... That's dope. At least it's fun to it. No, dude, it was the best. Having, like, pick-up games with, like, old-ass Greek men who, you know, there's, like... People have, like, bad knees. It got to the point where people would, like, bring...

The first year, it was just like a fun little game. And then people were like bringing like sweat bands. People were like, you know, bringing knee sleeves. You know what I mean? Oh, shit. A lot of Under Armour shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start bringing Under Armour out. Yeah, yeah. Start going, ooh, ooh. Oh, God. These things got chants. Exactly. Exactly, dude. People have choreographed shit. And then, but if it was my family, dude, we were in fucking sweats. Like, it was like not bullshit. So, like, I know that feeling of trying to impress people.

like an early girlfriend, like in your early mid-20s. In your early, early, you don't know shit yet. Yeah, college girlfriend, all that kind of stuff. I would have, you know, I'm trying to be polite. I'm eating turkey for the first time. We were a lamb. That's how Greek we were. We had lamb for Thanksgiving, not turkey. So...

I know that feeling, bro. It's tough. Here's the thing. I wasn't ever intimidated by it. I think, if anything, I was more ignorant to it. Yeah, you didn't know. Yeah, I never picked up on classes and stuff like that. I'll never forget. They went out back to smoke cigars, and I joined them with a blackened mind.

A beautiful metaphor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which one of these people doesn't like their father? Let me guess. The man with the wood tip. How come nobody else's lips are purple? Why does nobody else live purple like mine? You're asking them to match? You know what I mean?

You're like, whoa, her dad's cooler than I thought. I'll put 10 on it. Hey, I'm a guest. I think he did. I remember he did like me, though, because we were from the same neighborhood. Okay. And that was like, I literally grew up the block behind...

her dad. - Gotcha. - So even though I was just a ghetto piece of shit, he was like, "I like this kid, he's from the old neighborhood." You know what I mean? And he could tell I was authentic that way, so all of my faux pas-- - That's nice, that's nice. - He knew exactly where I was from and he was just like, "Yeah, whatever." - He grew up in the neighborhood before they destroyed it, before they redlined it and destroyed it.

He was the generation before White Flight, and he joined White Flight. He was a black guy that was like, they're on to something here. This man is worthy of fucking my daughter. He's from the old country. He was in the neighborhood where a couple Italians and Jews still lived there before the last vestiges. He made it through. Yeah.

He definitely made it out. I remember him introducing me to someone that way. He's a young man, but I think he gets it. I think he's one of the guys that gets it. One of the good ones. Come on, Dan, come through. We're the good ones. To an extent, he's right. I'm not still there. You know what I mean? That's awesome. You grew up in Philly? Nice. Hell yeah, dude. I love that. Yeah.

That is a fun thing because it's like you do think about the people that leave and they do have a fondness for it. Like I do that. I meet a lot of people from Baltimore that went to my high school, you know, and it's like they have like a pride even though they are so far away from, you know, being in the Baltimore I grew up in anyway, the 90s and 2000s Baltimore. They were already in the Burbs. Okay. Yeah. But it's funny. People always do have that pride where they want to be like, oh, I was – because there is a little bit of like –

It's still cool to be from a place that was shitty. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? It's cool to make it up. I'm from the suburbs already. Yes, of course. So nothing counts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Derek famously called us act black. Come on. We were in the state. We were at the stand every weekend together for two years. It feels like. I know your act, brother. I changed up since then. Yeah.

It's been a couple, pre-pandemic though, dude. We saw each other like every weekend. I was working the cakes out. I like cold design. No, I'm not shitting on it. There's no one else.

You have never heard those two words put together by anyone else. I love it because, in fact, people would go the opposite way. Yeah. And they would pretend. And you easily could have. You could have gone that way. I used to do a lot of gangster rap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned early and then with the poets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do that. And plus, I started comedy in Philly. Right. With a lot of honest audiences. Right. So if you was going in their line, they'd eat that shit right up. They could smell the PSAT tutoring on you. Yeah. Yeah.

And dance classes.

And music classes. There was another thing. When we started, because I started out with Derek down in Philly. Another one that was a weekly thing that I used to see every week at the open mic was I just crossed the bridge on the DP. The Dimes and Pennies. You know what I mean? So he used to always bring up this joke about I'm not from the city. I had to pay a $5 toll to come and do this mic. And I'm so broke. I paid the $5 in Dimes and Pennies. That's 03. That's like 03 Derek.

Class vintage. Yeah. Jesus. That's awesome. So your family was basically the guy, they were like, had more in common with the lawyer dad. Like, you guys were in the burbs. Burbs, because my grandma was well off. She drove for the SEPTA buses. Hell yeah, dude. But she was like a token cop, so they made more money, big pension union, all that shit. And this was before any of that, so union was thick, good. No, unions, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, America's fucked because we've taken unions out. Yeah. Like,

Regular people With unions Were able to afford Like being a septic driver It still should be The same way Where If you have a fucking job That you show up to Every day For fucking 40 years You should be able To get your family Like it should transfer Generationally But now We've got unions Everyone's fucked But it's nice So she was driving Driving So she had a nice little house

Nice little duplex. Jewish people lived upstairs. In Philly still? In Philly. This is Northeast. This is when I'm a young man. My mom got her money up slowly but surely.

apartment, apartment, apartment. But on the other end, my dad was doing okay in D.C. So I was one of the divorcee kids, but I was living the pop life and my mom life. That's nice. And they almost competed for my love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Single, only kid in the family. Yeah, on my mom's side. My dad had a daughter, my half sister, but she was on with her mom. She was in D.C. with her mom. Oh, not that. With her mom in like either D.C. or Germany because it was Air Force, Air Force set up.

So, yeah, man. That's a nice setup, by the way, to knock someone up and her daughter, your daughter just has to go to Germany with her. Yeah, and live with the mom. It's like, that's smart. It's like, no, I'd love to be in your life, but, you know, I'm in America. My partner was a flight engineer, but he also knew how to engineer families. He was looking at the schematics. He was like, let me take a look at a blueprint of your pussy. Yeah.

Let me see, if I drop one off here and one off there, right? I should be good, that's enough. I'll cover my bases. At least I got a fly to go see these motherfuckers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's awesome, dude. So you were, so you, so Philly, D.C.'s not, Philly Burbs with your mom? Philly, northeast Philly, and then I moved to south Jersey when I was like 15, 16. Nice. Yeah.

Hell yeah Said it was always a nice time Nice From Philly to Jersey Our transition was never bad Yeah Me and my Because I got a small family Like I disowned all my uncles Nice One of them died And then it's just me My mom, my aunt You got disowned? No I disowned them Oh you disowned them I was going to say Yeah and then Yeah so it's just us three Nice Kind of works out And on my dad's side My dad And all my family over there But yeah I kind of focus on the The two that I got Yeah yeah yeah That's nice Keep a tight focus Yeah

Did you ever spend any time in D.C. or no? Oh, well, Pop J, I mean, I always visited because it was like, we lived in Philly. My mom would drive halfway, meet at the Chesapeake House. Oh, wow. My dad would pick me up. I was a highway kid. Damn, we know the Chesapeake House. That's all in Baltimore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then go to D.C., hang out with my dad for the weekend. So I had that balance. That's so funny. They were trading you off like it was a drug deal? It was what? Like that.

And they do a handoff at the Burger King. They hand you out at the Burger King. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Derek, go sit in that blue LeSabre. Don't talk to anyone. Your parents never did. They never went hand-in-hand. Here's some quarters. Go sit in the massage chair. Get a crab cake at Phillips. Wait for your father to get here.

That's so funny. That's awesome, dude. That was basically the come up. I got you. I was spoiled from both sides. That's awesome. I've always said, like, I'm working on a bit where it's like my parents stayed together, but it's like, I wish they had gotten divorced. Like, you want the competition. You want them to fight for your love with...

attention and material things. That's the thing. I want a Nintendo and an Xbox. You know what I mean? Like, I want them both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I had the exact opposite. Okay. Where both of my parents, they split.

And they were doing pretty well, but neither of them were competing. My love. My dad was like, I'll pay what I'm supposed to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when he comes and visits, we can do shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's it. And my mom, she just kind of got frustrated being a single mother. You know what I mean? Of course, of course. Like, it was just like, whatever. Damn, dude, yeah. Any stepdads or boyfriends or who was in the mix? All right, this feels weird to say, oddly enough, too, because it feels like I'm trashing my mom and today's her birthday. Oh, yeah.

Don't worry, this is going to come out later. We'll have a month or two in between. My mom dated what I can only describe as DMX. Okay. For six years. Bark, bark, motherfucker. Bark, bark. In and out of jail. A violent man with undiagnosed mental illness. With a serious mental illness.

serious crippling drug habit that it was like, steal a cop car on a Wednesday. Let's go steal a cop car. This guy smokes crack on a Wednesday in my mother's car. In this stolen cop car. This guy drops me and my mom off and takes my mom's car and

And he's smoking crack with his friends in the street when he's supposed to be looking for a job. That was six years of my father figure. Oh, my God. That my other dad, my real dad, just casually like, hey, whatever, that's not my problem. You know what I mean? Like, y'all deal with that. Wow. And then the saddest thing that I watched my mom deal with later was she would try to date after Ricky was gone. Right, right, right. But the guys weren't. Awesome name for a guy like that, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's awesome because that...

Ricky, no matter what race, is a piece of shit. Like, black Rickys, white Rickys, Hispanic Rickys, any Ricky. Russian Ricky? Dan Hooker's on his carpet. Mullet, like, fucked up cornrows. Ricky. Whatever the haircut is, Ricky's a piece of shit. So, then you watch my mom kind of grow up. Did he have straight backs? What did Ricky have? Ricky was bald.

but he wore toupees. A crack-smoking toupee guy? Yeah, buddy. Not a toupee expert. And they were...

That's really strange because they were really curly toupees that gave him a non-black look. You know what I mean? He had Dominican hair. He's a black crack addict. This guy would put on a, and he would be combed. You rocked around with Lucy's husband. It worked. It did work. That's awesome, dude. Because I know there was one house I've,

One day I went with him on one of these crack missions. Okay. Because my mom, she got dropped off first because she had to be to work earlier. Okay, yeah. And then he's supposed to drop me off at school. And some days he would just look over and be like, you don't want to go to school, do you?

Are you giving me this decision to make at six? Nah, I'm rolling with you. You know what I mean? And so I got to see what life is like with a crack head on there. Take your child to smoke crack day. Right. And there was one house that we used to go to. I lie to you not, this lady's name was Mama Louise. Hell yeah. Mama Louise. She was an old lady that was in the kitchen and...

There was other kids there, but he would leave me and go upstairs in the smoke room, and they would get high and blast music and play the congas and shit like that. There's other kids there. It's crackhead daycare? Is that what you're saying? I think those kids live there. I'm not 100% sure. You know, when you're like 5, 6, you don't ask questions. You just see other kids. You see a sandbox and a junkyard. Right, yeah. It's like the little room they have in Ikea. While the parents are shopping, it's like...

It's like they have fucking Sesame Street on TV. These kids, I would have great times. I don't remember any of their names. I never saw any of them. If I saw them today, we wouldn't even know each other. You know what I mean? They the best fun. And then when he was gone out of the picture, it was weird watching my mom grow up and trying to date again. But the caliber of guys were different.

Right. They were more respectable, more responsible guys, and she didn't like that. Is it fucked up knowing now, like, there's no other way to make this, there's no other, like, way to look at the data and not come up with, Ricky had awesome dick. You know, like, does that... I talked about this on my first album. Oh, okay.

That's what it was. At one point, Stavros. Let's be honest. Your mom was getting her shit knocked out, dude. Stavros, at one point I walked in the room to them taping sponges to the back of her headboard. Because he was knocking that pussy out. To whipping the sound of the headboard just boom, boom, boom, boom. And when I'm asking him why y'all doing that, he answers. We need to put shocks on the headboard. He answers for her, Stavros. So you get some sleep, little nigga. Like that.

That was the answer. Do you understand how good you are when a woman lets you talk to her son like that? Wow. Holy shit. It was weird because the other guys that came later that were more responsible, homeowners, guys that drove nice cars and dressed nice, they were softer. And then my mom went through this weird phase of married dudes. Oh, wow. Interesting. That was bad.

That was bad. It started to affect me because I remember being in middle school. I used to talk about this on our podcast. I used to say karate. I was good. I made it to a brown belt. I was ready to test for my black. My mom started fucking around with the karate teacher. Wow. Damn, Dave. Things got awkward. I had to get pulled out. I say, damn, Dave.

Holy shit. And he was married. He was married. He drove a Porsche. You can't shit where you kick. You can't shit where you kick. Let me get the... Yeah, that's fucked up, dude. You can't shit where you kick. It would just be... I wasn't in my mom's business, but you would know. You would know when the shit would happen. There's no way to not be in her business. Especially, I'm a kid. I'm always in the living room on the floor watching TV. Good God. And then people would just knock...

come through and it got to the point where for me I just kind of became numb to it. You know what I mean? - Yeah, you got it. You're disassociating. - 'Cause they would try to win me over. - Oh God, yeah. - I remember there was one dude, this white dude who didn't get it. He was like trying to bond with me and like bring me snacks and toys. He used to call me Shaq. - Oh. - He was like heavy and big. He was like, "You a black Shaquille O'Neal." I was like, "Hey dude, just go upstairs and fuck my mom, dude."

Get it over with, dude. You're like Charlie from Always Sunny, nigga. Yeah, yeah. His mom was nuts with that shit. But I mean, she had a right to live her life. Absolutely. To a point, yes. When it's costing you black belts. Hey, champ. What's going on?

That has to be the title of the episode. Crossing You Black Belt. Crossing You Black Belt. She had a right to live her life. Fuck what would a dude with a gi on? He had a gi on. I still can't get Ricky Stupage out of my head. Dude, that's an awesome guy. Yeah, man. Damn, I want Ricky on the pod.

Let me know if you're still... If you see him. That's fucking wild. Wild. So, do your parents get married too young? Is that what happened? Or have you young? Oh, shit. This sounds so bad, man. No, dude. I love my mom, but this sounds so bad. First of all, your mom rocks. Okay? She's a rock star. Your mom rules. Rock star. To be like, yeah, look, my son... At some point, she did the math, and she was like...

I probably fucked him up with Ricky already. I might as well suck some Mary dick too. You know what I mean? Like my mom had her own issues from her mom and dad. Of course. That's always how this happens, right? So, but one of the things, all right. So my dad, like his dad, Air Force dude. You know what I mean? In fact, my dad was always jockeying for me to come and live with him.

My dad lived in Jersey, 10 minutes away from this guy. We probably would have been friends if I'd ever took my dad up on it, but I never wanted to leave the city. I wanted to stay living in squalor with my mom because that's all I knew. You're like, sorry, these married guys bring too many Welch's grape snacks. I was like, I have too much shit going on here. So,

Literally the way my mom and dad meet, right? Yeah. My mom is out at a bar with her friend, her homegirl. They went to high school together. They homies. Yeah. And this dude is trying to fuck. Air Force guy? Yeah, but he's trying to fuck my mom's friend. Oh my God, dude. And the lady wasn't interested in my dad at all.

And my mom, she goes, hey, hey, hey, hey, you can get this pussy. And he's like, right. Hey,

So, which he did. And, you know, they fucked around a little bit, but, you know what I mean? Like, it wasn't supposed to go this far. It wasn't supposed to go this far at all. Goddamn, J. You're a survivor, my man. Oh, my God. This is awesome. So, I'm born. You were meant to exist, at least. Right. Here's the crazy thing. I'm born. My mom's an absolute basket case. Of course. My dad has to get away. Yeah. Like, my mom, like, she's a fighter. Yeah. Like, my mom will start fights.

in the street and puts my dad in an awkward position because my dad's big, tall, you know what I mean? And it's like, hey, this lady's going to get me killed. Stop talking so much shit. Right. So he kind of pieces off and what's even crazier is my mom's best friend realizes how much of a catch my dad is. Oh my God. And they end up getting married.

And having a nice suburban life in New Jersey. You're the rough draft child. Oh, no. Again, there's so much animosity between my mom. Yeah, dude, that family got punched up.

They're like, "Hmm, I don't know about this squalor. Why don't we try suburbs?" - Right. - I don't know about that. - Right. - Come on, Digg. Let me hear it. - My dad ends up being married to my mother's best friend for 10 years. - No, dude. - What the fuck? - That's fine.

You want to talk about that drop-off point? My mom, she's never going to Jersey. My mom never went to that house. I didn't even know they got married. I knew that they were dating. I knew they fucked around. That's cold-blooded. I like that. I didn't see my dad for a while. And then one time I did get picked up. And instead of going to North Philly, we go to Jersey. And Miss Jane is there. And there's a big picture in the foyer of them two in a wedding picture. And I'm like...

Oh, okay. No one ran that by you, dude? Nobody ran that by me. There wasn't a warning? I'm pretty sure my mom... I watched the same thing happen when I had a kid. I followed the same cycle. My first baby mom is my mother. You know what I mean? Did you end up marrying her best friend? I scared all of her best friends up. Yeah, man. But when I was engaged to be married and that

upset her even though we were done for years and my daughter had to watch the emotional effects of her reacting to me being engaged on social media. Yeah. Oh wow. Yeah. God damn dude that's fucking wild. Is your dad and Miss Jane still together? No they did 10 years and then they split and

And my dad was just a bachelor, just slaying puss at the church until the day he died, man. Respect. And fucking 5XL purple pastel suits. He's got a bowler hat that smells like pussy juice and cocoa butter. Great gangster. Cab Calloway type shit. Move. Come in here, bitch. Yeah, my dad, he did it pretty good. He slayed puss.

You know what to do. Bring it all home. So good, so good, so good, so good. Oh, that rules, dude. Nah, but he's like oddly...

Contracted like Alzheimer's like 55. Oof. And then he checked out at like 62. That's a tough one, yeah. I don't know, man. Because here's the thing about tall people. One, we don't really live that long. We got German shepherd hips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to see a tall person become incapacitated and need to rely on short people.

It's not good. Short people don't handle as well. You know what I mean? That's the revenge. It's like you're tall. You get to burn bright. You get to get more pussy. But it's like it's ending fast. Damn, dude. Yeah, I mean, Alzheimer's is just tough in general, though, just to see a motherfucker go like, just start to lose it. Like my definitely my grandma had like her. She had some fucking dementia. And it's just like.

And even my other grandmother now, she doesn't have that, but she just has the, like, if you're talking to her, you have to remind her what you just said five times in a row. Yeah. But it sounds like your dad got a nice little, you know what I mean? The end was nice. Dude, my dad is from the Richard Allen Projects, which is the same house and cocks as Cosby. Him and Cosby grew up together. I hope that's where the similarities end. Yeah.

Right at those projects. Right at the gate of those projects. I hope he never leaves. Right there. Just right at the gate. Do not go across the street with this man. Oh.

But yeah, man, like he... I would try and find a different guy who grew up in those projects now to give you the... If you ever do a search, any listeners do a search on the Richard Allen Holmes, it's no one good has come out of there. They've torn those projects down and made them into townhouses. I got you, I got you. Richard Allen Holmes. Yeah, but he got out. You know what I mean? He enlisted in the Air Force

like during the Vietnam War while most black dudes was getting drafted. Of course. You know what I mean? And he got himself educated, learned electronics, and we talk about he joined the union when he came home. That was one thing my pop had that was amazing. Because he had spent so much time around white folks in the military, he was able to work a square job when he came home. A lot of black dudes...

I can't deal with no cracker talking like that. It's weird. Like, but my dad, he could do it. So he was in the union. Well, if he enlisted, he probably had a better, he was better off as opposed to, like, a lot of guys got drafted, got so fucked. Right, right. They were, like, thrown into the worst situations and, like, you know, treated fucking horrendous. And my dad was a DNF student who spoke with a stutter.

Wow. But due to the Air Force and his electronics training in the union, he made like 90, 96,000 by the end of, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. As a DNF student from the project, spoke with a stutter, that's amazing. He was a homeowner, everything. So I'm like, oh yeah, you know, they did it. Yeah, yeah. Damn, dude. That's fucking, and all it took was just practicing having a family once with you and your mom. Yeah.

That's... He was also a DNF father. It sounds like... We got it up to C plus with his second family. Yeah.

He fixed the stutter by leaving. Just left. Yeah. Hilarious. Yeah, no, but hey, listen, I got a D plus dad myself. I got, I have the, I say I always have the best shitty father where it's like, you know, he was just, you know, he was abusive, but he only hit us a couple times. It was more yelling. And if you got to get abused, it's like,

Being scared is better than getting the shit kicked out of you, you know? And he cheated, but he only cheated after. My dad, like, was fat as shit. Both my parents were kind of, like, in this fat, loveless marriage. Then he had a heart attack, and he lost so much weight that he was like...

hey, I could start getting pussy now. It wasn't like, wow, I have a second lease on life. It was like, I should start cheating. First of all, I like to say, I love watching a man realize that. I love watching a man sit in a dark place for like years and then wait a minute, I might just do some push-ups. Right?

I tighten my chest up a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give her something to touch on. 100%. 100%. How about that? He had a second act that's like... He's a carpenter, too, so he's like physically... You know, he's a strong guy, and it's like there's definitely an archetype for like, you know, older guy. Guy, he's pretty handsome. I mean, we were broke. He didn't have any money, but it's like... I remember going to his fucking... Like his...

My car got a flat right outside of his workshop. And I was like, oh, perfect. I'll just pull over and it'll help me fit. Because our other family friend had an auto body shop right around there. So I just pull up. I'm like, oh, great. And I almost felt like, hey, you know what? This is kind of nice. Doing some dad and son shit. Me and my dad don't have a good relationship now, but...

That was at the age where I was like kind of... I was starting to feel like I grew up and I was looking at him as a man instead of just my dad. And I was starting to do the math and be like, wait, I don't think I respect this guy. You know what I mean? So it was like... But I was still like trying to like...

And I was like, and part of me was like, I was literally remember thinking like, hey, this is kind of cool. Well, like I'll change the tire. Maybe we'll even hang out. Like I was having like a rare positive moment about my dad. I thought it was almost like meant to be. It's like, what are the odds I get a flat right here? Like literally, it was like I get the flat and I turn right into the thing. And I turn in and I'm like, yeah, I knock on the door and he's just like, he opens the door like a little bit. And he's like, what are you doing? What's up? What do you need? And I'm like, yeah.

I got a flat. Like, could you help me? And he's like, um...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, come on in through. And he opens the main, it's like this big workshop, right? Okay. And there's these big like bay doors for like, for like, you know, trucks to load shit. But there's an office there where like, usually we go in, right? And it's like, he puts me like, does the bay doors so I would go in through the, like, right into the workshop. He didn't have a bitch in there, but I was like, but he had the remnants of a bitch in there. You know what I mean? Where it's like,

And I go to his office, like, and I used to work with my dad, right? He would do that thing where it's like, I'll teach you the...

kind of, it was like a scared straight program for immigrants where it's like, go to school or you'll do this. You know, so it's like in the summers I would go, I was a horrible employee. I literally just didn't do shit. I would like, I would pretend to be shitting for like 40 minutes and I would just be in the toilet, in the bathroom doing nothing. Yeah, yeah. One time I stole, you know how, you know how like construction workers and contractors, they have like just

you know tits everywhere they have like weird like for whatever reason they have just porn everywhere I would like steal porn and beat off in the bathroom while my dad while my dad is like working you know like and I would also just go into the thing and like watch he had like one of those little fucked up TVs with the antenna and shit and all we got was UPN and I would just watch Martin instead of do work you know so that office meant a lot to me because when I was like you know when I was like being a lazy like fucking kid I spent I actually had fun times there you know

And so I go in there to get a fucking, like, drink. He always had, like, brisk. He was a brisk man. He always had brisk iced tea. I was like, I'm going to go have a little brisk while my, you know, fix this shit. And I go in there, dude, and the office, there is straight up a futon that has been folded down and with, like, covers. And, like, he made a bed in his, like,

carpenter office and I opened to get the fridge to get some drinks there's fucking wine there's cheese plates there's like a fruit there's like a fucking like like an edible arrangement like he was about to get like awesome like he was about to sneak around with whoever his mistress was at the time and he was like what are you looking around for like he was like doing that she was like what are you nervous he's still married to your mom oh yeah yeah yeah they're married and he's like what he's like what your mom he literally said he wants your mom to send you and I was like what

Jesus. I was like 24. You know what I mean? I'm here to see my father. It was the one year after I went, I moved home for a year. I was in college and then I stayed in my college house with my friends for a year. And then money got tight because I was doing stand-up but I wasn't doing shit. So I moved back home for a year to save up money to move to New York. And that was the year that I lived with them again. And that's when I was like, oh, this guy fucking sucks.

You know what I mean? He's like, I just don't... He's the kind of guy where it's like, if he wasn't my dad, I bet you I would get along. Because he's funny. There's certain things I definitely get from him. He's a charismatic, charming guy. But he's just kind of a... You got to know too much. Exactly. Sometimes you don't need to know all that shit. And that's like, if they had gotten divorced...

It would have been better off. You know what I mean? Then it's like, yeah, he's got some stupid Russian girlfriend. You know what I mean? He's got some... He would definitely be dating a trash woman that took care of... My dad is completely incapable of taking care of himself. He would have gotten a new woman to look after him. You know what I mean? It would have been fine. I would have been able to put it together, but yeah, just fucking hilarious stuff. Yeah, but that was pretty common in cities like Baltimore and Philly and stuff like that. If you had a dad, the chances of him being a good dad...

Slim to none. Yeah, yeah. Your dad was flying in and out. And you don't know your dad that well. I don't know. You're the hero to me. Yeah.

I don't know the scandal. All I know is he flew Air Force One. Which is a good way to go. That's awesome. My pop made it. If your father's taught you anything, my father taught me how to be a showstopper. I'm sorry. I remember my class trip. I was fucking, I think it was fifth grade, sixth grade. And

And we went to D.C. and I called him and told him where we was going to be at. When he figured out where he was, he pulled up to the museum. Like he came up on me. What do you do? What do you do? I look back, it's my pot. But here come the fly part. So my mom gave me permission to leave with him out of D.C. Right. Off that, you know, that highway shit. Right, right, right. So I remember everybody, all the kids getting back on the bus, right? Yeah.

So as they get on the bus, my pop pulls up in his red BMW. He's had it since 83, right? So sick, yeah. Pulls on his red BMW and out of his, and in a box he has presidential M&Ms because at the time he was flying for Clinton. That's awesome, dude. This motherfucker pulls out the box of M&Ms with Bill Clinton's signals on it, starts throwing it to the kids on the bus. He goes there, who the fuck is this?

That's my pop, motherfucker. And then we left in the red Beamer and I said this. I put my finger up to the... That is wild. That's awesome. Yeah, so that's what I... But that is a great lesson that you can be an absent father 85% of the time. 85%. But you got to crush that 15%. You pull up with everything from Bill Clinton in a Beamer.

even care. Fresh off beating the Monica Lewinsky case when Bill was unstoppable. He was bombing Kosovo at the time. He was like, suck on this, Slobodan Milosevic. That was when Bill had all the sauce in the world. It was hot 90s. Right before 9-11. That's how I'm doing handling the second half of Fatherhood.

I was in it and I became depressed angry and me and my ex we split up now I'm the cool dad that parachutes in when I have a show hey guys I'm making money we can do whatever you guys want you know what I mean and because I'm not there it's like

whatever your wildest imagination is you know what my dad used to do beat my mom every time i visit go-karts yeah that's huge take me go-karting they wanted a big uh joints in like dc yes in between boston highway they had sick like yeah like go-kart tracks so yeah that's my dad yeah yeah this is great this is like uh this is a this is a deadbeat dad crash course right now how to be the best deadbeat dad possible

have a good energy. You can be miserable as long as you're good on your weekend. You know what I mean? How many comics have careers of good energy? Come on, man.

Dads can do the same shit. Good energy. Good call. It's true. I mean, that is, like, in life, like, just your vibes are so important in terms of even every other, like, skill. Even at a job, at a, like, who you are person to person interpersonally is the most important thing, even more than any other skill is just how do you feel in the, like, in each moment. It is very, you know, it's really important for sure.

But that's interesting. So you also spent most of your time with your mom then? With moms, but I did visit my dad frequent. That's sick, though. Until I hit my, like, 20s. What's the, yeah. And then it got, like, lighter and lighter. Because as a kid, you know. But, yeah.

But what was it? So we've already gone through Dave's childhood, where he was at. What's the burbs like with mom? Burbs with mom was perfect. You had a stepdad too or no? No, my mom was a single. Okay, full time? Yeah, so it was kind of hard for me. So I was single too. I was like, I'm just going to be out here with all these chicks.

Yeah. But no, me and my mom, we did okay because, you know, it was just me and her. Yeah. And then when my grandmother died, it was just me and her and my aunt. Gotcha. Oh, so you were kind of raised by a group of women, basically. Group of ladies. That's awesome. So, but, you know, because it was just me, I was spoiled. And then my mom worked all the time and worked all the time. Right. But she'd always motivate me to go out there and figure out comedy or whatever. Go with your friends and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go be, like, go be a vibe. That's awesome. That's awesome. So, yeah, it was always fly. You know, just...

Front lawn, back lawn, we didn't want for nothing. We had it going on. Like I said, literally we were at the stand all the time. You would talk about smoking weed with your mom, is that true? That's true. You really would just fucking light up with moms? That's true, after a while. I would get in trouble at first, but then when she saw that I was just potty, because she thought I was going to do other shit. So you were going to go Ricky mode with it? Yeah.

It's so weird. You know when we turn into a Ricky. We're in the area and we stop past his mom's house and his mom just comes down with a rolling tray. Like the same way someone offers guest cookies. Yeah, you guys want to smoke a joint? You're like, wow. That's sick, dude. You really have a beautiful setup, Derek. Like if I could write how I'd want to be raised. Yeah, man. Truly, because like the other thing is dad who's just there because like

Dad who's just there enough to give you confidence and cool shit and, like, bring no negative, like, angry father energy. Okay. Perfect. And then, realistically, I think everyone I know who's raised by, like, groups of... Like, either single mom or, like, you know, mom... It's like...

it's, you relate to women much easier. You have less of, like, a, like, you're, like, I would assume it was easier for you to, like, talk to girls, have girlfriends earlier, because everyone in your life is, like... A lot of stinking girls into the house. Yeah. A lot of stinking chicks in there. Yeah. That's awesome. Whereas, like, for me, it was, like, I was fucking nervous, because, like, you know, my mom's the best, but it's, like, she's the only, like, real, like,

Yeah.

You know what I mean? I feel like if you have mom, aunt, you just do better because you're just less scared. So I would honestly have set it up exactly. If I designed how I want to be raised, it's like... Be raised by Derek. Be raised by Derek Gaines. Get the Derek Gaines fucking set up, dude. And your mom's smoking weed. She's cool. She's cool. My mom's a whole vibe.

She invites all the homies over for Thanksgiving. We always cook big. Awesome, dude. Me and my mother have crab leg fights. Yeah. Like lightsabers, but we use king crab legs. We have fights. Take that. It's going to be a good dinner, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking sick, dude. God, I love not struggling. We didn't struggle. So what do you think the single thing is about, though? Never had a fucking... Because my mom's classy. You think she was sneaking around? You hear that, Dave? Yeah, she did. The subs. Yeah.

The upper class, they don't even mean to poke like that. They're just saying things how they are. They don't realize what they're doing. This is what I see and I get this vibe even when I go to Derek's mom's house. If my mom would have met Derek's mom

They probably would have been friends for about a month. Right, right. And then something would have happened where my mom would have looked at her different. Yeah, yeah. And now I just don't have that friend anymore. Right, right, right, right, right. Like he said, his mom invites us over for Thanksgiving. My mom has never done Thanksgiving. We always house hopped. Oh, wow. And we would go wherever, whoever she was fucking with at the time. Right, right, right. So there's like...

They're scandalized. They're just clutched as pearls. Jesus, Dave. Jesus. You were savage. To me...

The holidays, they have, like, even when I do get invited to his house, and I know the invite is genuine, I don't like going because it just feels so reminiscent of, oh, they're just taking us on. That's crazy. I see that, yeah. The people who would feel bad for Toni and her son. That motherfucker got Thanksgiving PTSD. Oh, come on over here. Yeah.

Because I didn't know. All right. My first few Thanksgivings at other people's houses, it was very embarrassing. Sure. Because I was raised like a goddamn savage. Of course. I'm used to eating on the floor in front of the TV in the living room. They take the turkey out. You just run up, take a bite out of it. You're on all fours on the table. Right. Putting yams in your mouth. Like the Bubba's dogs in the convenience store. I don't know.

I don't know nothing about chewing with my mouth closed. I don't know nothing about elbows not on the table. I have no You were here on a half shell. Right. And my mom would turn on me because when somebody at the table would be like what's up with this young man? Yeah, you don't know how to eat at the table. And I'm like bitch

we never eat at the table. We never, our table is cluttered with shit. We eat on the floor. You know, like, so I didn't like that awkwardness of, like, I am the outcast. I get that. I mean, because a holiday, a holiday in, if you,

if you really think about it, should be you're at your most comfortable with the people you love the most. Yeah. You don't have to pretend anything, right? Like, and that's why people on the other side, I mean, you have like one extreme and the other extreme of why people don't like holidays is like, because families can be, they have their own kind of fake bullshit where it's like all the politics and all the pretending to be happy, right? The other side of it, but it's like somewhere in the middle of the perfect holiday is,

You're feeling good. There's no stress. You know, that's why I do, me and my brothers have started doing holidays where it's like we would do Korean barbecue Thanksgiving. Okay. We would just go out and fucking get things, you know, like hang out. Friends would do it like, you know, we hosted Christmas here once during the pandemic where it was like Eldest, because me and Eldest have been friends since we were in kindergarten. Nice. And like we have another friend, our other friend, literally me, Eldest, and our other friend, we've known each other our whole lives.

One of my college roommates lives here. We've all been friends for like 15 years at this point. So it is kind of that thing where it's like, I'm with you. I was never a big holiday guy because the other extreme where it's like, it's not that we like hopped around too much. In fact...

We would go, other people would host, but they were like family friends who, I was like, why do I feel more comfortable with these people than my actual family? You know what I mean? It's like, these people are just nice to me. No weird strings attached. This is where it would get weird where I wouldn't want to go because I don't want to go experience a nice home and then come back to this shit. You know what I mean? Like, I would hang out with my mom and sometimes my mom would get like,

like dangerously drunk. Oh, man. And then like, all right, it's time to leave. And it's like, oh, God. Yeah. My life on the line. Man, I'm the kid raising hell because I don't want to go home with my mom. There's nobody there. Like, she's not going to wake up tomorrow. Like, I'd rather stay here where all the fun is. You know what I mean? Of course, dude. So it'd be that kind of thing of like prying me away from these nice houses. Like, that's the vibe I get when I go to Derek's house. I'll be getting there and I'm like, that's a nice house, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll ask my mom.

if I could spend the night. Oh, shit. You're not a kid anymore. You gotta go to therapy, bro. You gotta work through this shit. Yeah, there we go. There it is. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. There's the man who used to have hot Cheetos for dinner as a five-year-old. Five years old, waking up with monstrous heartburn. Taking a Prilosec before second grade. I am exactly the man my mom wanted me to be. Yeah.

All right. Ass and reflux. First grade. First grade. Ass and reflux. Third class. God. Dude, Derek had put me on to some shit that just fucked my head up. We were talking about this on the podcast Monday. And you didn't even realize that this was an eye-opening thing. But I was discussing how when I was a kid, my mom used to leave while I was outside. And then I would just be locked out. Wow. You know what I mean? I would just go outside to play with my friends. And I might come home and...

place is locked my mom is gone and he was like oh yeah yeah that's your mom she was just testing you like you're making sure you can take care of yourself they kind of do that on purpose that's old Philly shit my grandmother would have done the same shit to me if she'd have got a chance and I'm like

fuck. Like, I never even thought about that. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, she was just kind of grooming me, always throwing these weird hiccups. You know what I mean? And once we had her on the podcast, I called her and, uh, and,

And my mother put me out when I was 15, right? Like I got into the streets and started doing all, because even that same aspect. You're going to fucking start acting up when that's your childhood. It's not even, it was the selfishness. It was like the same way I was saying I wasn't spoiled. Yeah. So we didn't really want for anything, but I wanted for stuff. Yeah. And the kids in the neighborhood were able to show me, oh, well, you can do this. Yeah. All right. So I began to listen to the streets. So my mom put me out. Sure.

And we had her, she called in on the show. I called her from the phone and put her on. And we asked her like, yo, when you put me out at 15, what did you think was going to happen? Right. And the craziest thing that my mom said was she was like, well...

Yeah, I mean, it was extreme, but I knew you could take care of yourself. Damn, dude. That's fucking retarded. It is, but it's some, like, warrior shit. It's like, yeah, except this was 2002. Exactly. It's not fucking BC 300. Yeah, it's the time of the month.

She did some caveman shit in the year 2000. She did some caveman shit. But yeah. You'll be fine. I figured you'd be okay. Little Flip was on the radio. You didn't need that fucking... Flip was on the radio. You didn't need to make your son a scavenger.

She really sent you out to kill a wolf. That's why I enjoy having friends like Derek and it because they know that about me but they don't judge that. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. You can still come in my house. You can still look around and we'll still invite you to just grab a crab leg. Grab a crab leg. Your fucking bar for love is so low it's hilarious. So yeah, they treat me with baseline human decency. They let me in the house. Go straight to the backyard. Go straight to the backyard.

Which is so funny because literally, we've told a story on the podcast a bunch, but Eldest is Albanian and Greek people and Albanians are like, Greeks are racist towards Albanians. And our other friend's dad is a fucking like hick Greek, like a villager. And literally for the first few years of our friendship, Eldest was not allowed in his house. Right, right.

I was that kid too. That kid steals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do steal. But I do steal. You right. Straight facts.

Now what you gonna do? Pass the fucking rice around. I'd be in the alley outside the fence in the backyard. He'd like bring me a juice box. South by the doctor's door. The juice box pass. And here's the thing. You're a retarded uncle. There's a line to put under the door. Most people can't tolerate that at all.

You got to learn how to deal with it as a kid. I'm like, oh, okay. I'm on the outside. You know what I mean? So that's the one thing. I don't take ostracism or rejection personally because I'm like, oh, I know what that is. Damn, dude. I was invited to every pizza party. Ha ha ha!

They gave me VIP. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had all the Pizza Hut. Yeah. That's why you gave me the crust. It is weird. Me and Sal talked about it, and I was like, even back then, in second grade, it was happening, and we kind of just didn't think anything of it. We were all just matter of fact about it. Well, kids are pure still. It's like, yeah, so-and-so's dad is just weird like that, just the thing he's got. Well, this is Albanian.

I mean, he does have a point. Like, my family's cool, but I can see both sides of the issue. Okay. You know? Yeah, no, it is fucking wild. I mean, that shit will absolutely fuck you up. But, yeah, what are you going to do? It sounds like you're dead set on not working through it, so, hey, whatever. I am.

I am. I think I work with doing. I'm pretty good with people, right? No, no, no. You're good. I'm just saying, trust me, there is a couple like that. Just even what you just said about holidays, that right there is like... I know. That right there is like therapy shit, dude. You know what I just did for Easter that was so great? What's that? Went to an NBA game. That's my first time doing that. That's sick, dude. This is great. This is a great way to spend Easter. It really is. And I do think the secret, if you don't want to go to therapy or whatever, the secret I do think is creating your own relationship with...

right? Because it's like, when your childhood's fucked up, it's kind of up to you to like, okay, well then I'll set up what life is supposed to look like. It would be nice if we had, you know, if we had some kind of tradition, it'd be nice, but when you realize like, well that shit's just not in the cards, fuck it, I'll be like, Bobby's a great resource for that, Bobby Kelly, because it's like, he had one of the most fucked up childhoods possible.

Yeah. Very reminiscent. Like, while he's in fucking juvie, when he's like 11, you know, his mom, kind of the same thing, had kind of a shithead, you know, abusive stepdad running around for a while. And he, his big, like, epiphany was like,

At a certain point, you can't stop worrying about your dad because he's like, well, I'm the dad now. It's up to me to fucking figure this shit out. And he says anyway, when that happened to him, it was like, oh, yeah, I decide, you know, he makes little traditions with his kid. He decides how they, you know, how they do things. He hosted Thanksgiving. You know what I mean? Like, you might. Maybe that's the way you defeat your demons is hosting a nice Thanksgiving. So I tried that.

I have tried. I had a nice house and, you know, we're doing the family thing. I was engaged. This and this shit.

Well, one of the things that I just, I realized, like, I don't have that giving thing. Sure. Of watching family come over and just kind of tear your shit up. Right. You know what I mean? Like, now I'm just noticing, like, all of the little movements around the house, and that wasn't for me. I see, I see. You know what I mean? Damn, bro. You got motherfuckers ripping shit off the wall. Like, one of the things that fucked me up bad as a kid, my mom became a hoarder, right? So our house was bad.

You know what I mean? Smoking cigarettes, the walls are dirty, all that stuff like that. Yellow film. Right, right. Yellow film. Just imagine those guys coming in to fuck here, mom, while some fat kid is in the fire just sitting Indian style around a pile of shit. Around a bunch of fucking McDonald's Happy Meals toys from 10 years ago. That is hilarious, but let me clarify. Those did not overlap. Those did not overlap. Like, 96, my mom got sick.

My mom developed this disease called scleroderma. It was very rare. Only other person that had it in our neighborhood at the time was Bob Saget's sister. Damn, man. So this is like 1994 before Hempel lost. Yeah, Saget couldn't get the fucking family out of the hood. Couldn't even move more. All that full house money couldn't even get out.

Yeah. That's what was wild about it. Like, that's... That a bitch. This is a... And I think, I look back at this, this kind of fucked my mom's head up. Go ahead, Dave. Because, like, you're being told you have this fatal disease. Yeah. And someone else who's pretty, like, attached to someone notable just died from it. There's no cure. Right, right. Then my mom and Saget's sister were seeing the same specialist at Pennsylvania Hospital and I was, like, investigating this disease of snooks. Wild.

So my mom, she kind of really tapped out because they gave her a death sentence. They told her 99, you know, is a rat. Damn, bro. She never... She persevered. She's still alive to this day. But that's when the hoarding started. Right. So for me...

I'm the absolute opposite. I'm the extreme. If something isn't being used in 72 hours, it's going in the trash. You know what I mean? I want everything nice, clear, out of the way, and clean, and it made me hypervigilant where hosting events at my place that I keep, it fucks with me mentally. Yeah, yeah, I get that, dude. I mean, it is like, sometimes you just can't,

Shake certain things I would do barbecues In the park There we go I used to do big Big barbecues For the whole family Bring all the meat Yeah Y'all can't come in my house But y'all can tear it by the side Y'all can tear it by the side I'm a good person I feel you Yeah yeah yeah Let me put $300 worth of meat On the grill here Yeah yeah yeah But y'all go home after this I got you No that makes sense Well this is great Because we got We're about to take Some questions here And this I think

This is nice because we like to have different perspectives, and it is hilarious. You guys could not have more. We have the exact mirror opposite childhoods here. We're getting it from two different points of view here. Before we do, we like to do a little plug mid. You talked about the podcast a little bit. No Need for Apologies? No Need for Apologies. Go listen to that. Follow our friends here.

On socials, all that kind of stuff. Fellas, if you want to plug that. I'm Dave Temple on all social media platforms. Cool. And the podcast is NNFA Podcast on all social media platforms. We drop every Sunday on YouTube for free. Come check us out. Hell yeah. And I'm at TheGreatBoy, T-H-E-G-R-E-A-T-B-O-Y. I got it when Instagram first started. That's why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah. And me and Dave are on the road all the time. We'll be in Saratoga Springs.

Next week and then we'll be coming out later mother We got yeah, we got a fucking hit the road next month, so we're pre-recording about okay But yeah come see I mean these guys are fucking hilarious go see him live Follow him listen to the pod and definitely see him live good great shit So I'll just why don't we why don't we do some fucking calls here, babe? Calls I saw be this is Ryan. No dumb motherfucker. It's not playing. Oh

Nice. Nice.

I can't last more than three strokes. Wow. I don't know what's going on. Recent. I'm looking for your advice. Thanks. Love you. Keep coming. Whoa. Recently, he's been with his girl for a while, and all of a sudden, he busts fast. Yeah. I wonder what that is. Do you guys have kids? Maybe it's your biological clock.

Trying to make sure you nut. It's like, damn, dude, we got to get. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fire and strength only. It's like, I'm tired. I'm tired of ending up on her back. Your nuts have gone sentient. And they're like, we're busting this pussy one way or another. You got the AI nut. You got the chat GPT nut. We're going to do this for you because you better off. That's for a while. What the fuck? This is wild, dude. Three strokes. Wow.

Yeah, I mean, what has changed in your life? I think something happened, like maybe you're just more comfortable with her now. I don't know. That's fucking, that's an interesting thing. Throughout the years, yeah. How many years? Because that's what I think. He's probably comfortable and you get selfish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, I know what I want and you take too long.

You know what I mean? So you're just like, hey, you get it or you don't. Interesting. Has this ever happened to you guys? Have you ever had a change in how fast you nut or any kind of thing in a relationship? No. No, but I do know how to fix it. And this is something I learned how to do back in the day. Let's go. This is perfect. Dude Kegels? You going to do the Dude Kegels? It's kind of a Dude Kegels. Dude Kegels. It's kind of. It's kind of.

You guys aren't going to like it. I already know I'm going to get so much pushback on this. That's what this show is about. I already know. But edging. You guys ever heard of edging? Sure. Almost bust. So get right. You got to work it right until you're right there. And then you got to take these two and you got to smash right at the base. Right by the...

the base of the shaft, you're gonna feel it. There's a big vein that you gotta smash, you gotta cut that off. - You gotta clip the vein? - I think I know the vein you're talking about. - You're gonna feel it. You're gonna feel that semen pushing through, trying to, and you're holding it back. And it'll hurt the first few times. - So you need a Tostitos back clip. - Yeah, absolutely. - To keep from the scoop skin now. - Now I'm gonna tell you this. Your first few times, it is going to hurt.

But that negative association with climaxing will postpone it. Oh, interesting. Wow. You're Pavlov's dogging your brain into thinking nutting is bad. Anybody, if you want to be a goddess in the bedroom, this trick, I promise you, it works. I forgot where I learned it as a kid, but I practiced it. From that white guy that was calling you Shaq? No.

Damn. That's all I got for that one. He goes, damn. He goes, hey, listen, young man. I can tell by your situation that you're going to need some soft skills when you grow up. You have to have a good dick. You will not have developed the right personality. Yeah. This come up, you're going to have to fuck your way into some homes. Yeah.

So this is what you're going to do. This is a pamphlet on edging. Yeah. It's a pamphlet. Goddamn. Well, there you go. Give it a try, man. That's good. Right back in. Let us know how this works out for you. We do want to know. I promise you. Did the temple method work for you? This is shit. I've never busted faster in a relationship, but I have...

There is something, too, like, when I was actually in love with a girl. And that's happened, like, twice. Where it's, like, some real... Like, and I've really liked people. But there was one time, and literally we broke up, like, a month... Like, after I finally... I was in this on-again, off-again relationship. And finally it felt like things were going good. And that last month before we broke up, dude, I swear, like...

I was getting harder out of love. And it was just like, like my dick was literally, it was like the Grinch's heart. Okay. When I was in love, my dick got bigger. She was literally like making comments like, what the, what's going on here? And I was like, I don't know, this rocks. You know? And then of course we broke up and fucked me up. I haven't truly loved a woman since, but. Wow. You know, but there, there was something to that. There's only, there's only a few. It was actually a girl's hip game.

Oh, interesting. Something she did. Oh. I know what you mean, though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Am I alone with this, too? I'm fucking with shades on. When you care about a girl. That's how you know she's doing a good job. Wow. You keep your sunglasses on to let her know, to provide feedback. Man, this ain't no regular pussy, is it? Now, that's good pussy. Yeah.

you doing to me? Now that's what I call pussy. You can't buy that for a dollar. Oh, fuck. All right. So look, buddy, we gave you, you know, try the temple method. Let us know how it works. Try that temple method, Elba. Here's another one. Big Elde.

Hey, Sog. So I have a brother who is 22 and socially anxious. He lives at home with their parents. We're together, but it's more like roommates and immigrant shit. My dad's really toxic and mentally ill. But anyway, when I last spoke to my brother, he was getting into martial arts, but also really toxic stuff like Andrew Tate and all these right-wing Twitter, like, quote-unquote, intellectuals and philosophers. You know, I disagree with their understandings of socialism and cultural viewpoints.

Anyway, we talked about, and I tried to be open-minded, but he was just kind of awkwardly synthesizing what he's heard, and was making really weak arguments. And I just don't think he has the acumen or intuition to realize that these guys are all hack. So I want to push him in the correct direction, because he is a sweet and compassionate kid, and

If he is a conservative, so be it. But what's more important is that if I were in the real world, he'll isolate himself further with just new friends and people and women by the way he brings these things into conversation. And he's a sweet kid, you know? I realize that he has potential. But again, I'm just worried that this will just make him into a toxic person and just have a loss. Thanks, Dov. That's a tough one for sure. Very tough. Yeah.

You know, you get... Like, if you're, like, this, like, awkward kid and you just see some guy who... Like, that's the problem with these fucking Andrew Tate guys and these other, like... These other fucking, like, TikTok, like...

like workout like guys. Yeah, Myron's and Andrew's and all them guys. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's like to an 11 year old boy, like they're like, if you're a grown man, you're like, these guys are fucking stupid as shit. But if you're an 11 year old boy, you're like, whoa, this guy is, he's good at karate. He gets pussy and he has fast cars. And you're like, I'm listening to him. Absolutely. Oh yeah, it was last action hero. Yeah. And,

And like, I mean, that is why these people, that's what's really dangerous about these people is that like they are, it's almost like made to apply to these kids who are, because I mean, I remember being like, you know, me and Elvis were fucking losers. We didn't get any pussy when we're like 12, 13. And it's like, who did we even look up to? It's kind of, that's interesting to think about. What were we into when we were like that young? I think probably what helped us, what helped me anyway, as similar to your, you know, similar to your brother, um,

I think what's good here is, like, I mean, if he's bad, if he's, like, into all this stuff and he wants to be, like, you know, athletic, all this other shit. I mean, I really do think sports are a really nice, like, saving grace for kids like this. Like, even if he has to play in a shitty, like, rec league or even if he just plays in, like, with people. Like, I would push him towards organized sports, honestly, because...

What these guys get right is that, yeah, when you're a little kid, you want to be strong, right? When we're all like 11, 12. Absolutely. You want to have like a, you want to be, you idolize masculine stuff. That's who you want to be. And for me, I was definitely one of these kids who I was like a theater little kid. Like I was in, like me and Eldridge were in the fucking school plays in elementary school. I was literally like,

In elementary school, I talked my way into emceeing the talent show. I didn't want to do the talent show. I wanted to literally be... I've wanted to do comedy since before I even realized it. Me too. I feel that. I used to do it at summer camp. Yeah, exactly. And so I had that shit. But when I turned 10, 11, 12, I remember there being a moment where I was like, I'm going to stop being in plays and I'm going to play sports. And I think if I had that thought process from like,

art is like literally was like art is gay like that's literally what i thought okay i was like i was like i was like our drama teacher's gay he was turns out he was straight he had like a gravelly voice but i thought you know he kind of talked like harvey firestone and we're like when you're like a who actually i loved which that's the irony it's like i loved i loved uh mrs doubtfire i like i like he was hilarious but like when you are kind of in that toxic 10 year old boy mind frame and this is also you know 2000 whatever yeah

Thinking back on my own development at this point, and Eldest never did. He was a nerd who read books. I was just like...

I went into organized sports, and that did give you a sense of camaraderie. It gave you, like, you had to, like, you know, you had to, like, you teammates. You want to take that? No. Yeah, yeah. You had teammates. You had, like, you learned about community. You learned about, like, and you made friends in a natural way. Yeah. Even if you're not good at it, right? Like, and it teaches you, like...

If he has a good coach, it teaches you the value of like work hard, improve, get better, all that stuff. So if he has that in him, I can know because I had that in me. And what really helped me was playing organized sports. I was in rec leagues where I was better. And then I also played in my school leagues where, you know, I was solid. Yeah.

And it's funny how much... And then I also played in my church league. I played pickup hoops. It's funny thinking about how much... I don't know about you guys, but for me, sports was so important to me in this age range. And I think it could really help him get some of that energy out there as like...

As like, you know, hack is an answer as that is. It's like, because that's what these guys are providing for like internet kids, right? Kids that don't play shit. It's like they provide that like, again, the masculine kind of macho kind of like physical outlet instead of going and playing sports or working out or whatever. Or even if you do work out, like it's that mind frame. Yeah.

And they have connection to our community With these other little Andrew Tate You know dumb asses So I think that's like If he has that in him I would push him towards something like that

you know, support it, you know, channel it into something positive because, you know, obviously I never, I never fucking went pro, but like my, some great relationships started that way. Like, you know, a lot of my good friends and you legitimately learn teamwork, all that. Like my kids will play sports for the, or like, even if I have like nieces, nephews, like I would push them towards that kind of shit. Cause it does, there is something nice to like,

a generation that grows up online, they want to use their bodies. They want to be like, you know, thought of as like attractive, whatever. And it's like, you're going to have that physical thing. And it's like,

I think pushing them towards sports is like a big, can be an answer towards that. That's so funny. I remember I was playing ball, trying to try out for all the teams, and I sprained my ankle, and then I started breakdancing. That's fucking awesome. But wean him off of it, too. This is not a cold turkey thing where you're just going to cut off all of the podcasting and go full sports. Just slowly introduce him to other things and allow him to excel there, and you'll watch him.

this thing not be as fulfilling and eventually drop off. You'll hear about it less and less. But you gotta... Kids go through phases, man. Yeah, and you can't react when there's still reminiscences of...

this thing that is influencing him heavy right now at 22. You know, I was wearing fedoras. Oh fuck, he's 22? Oh, I thought the kid was like a teenager. Yeah, that's the other thing. I think she still sees him as a kid, which that's the thing I hear. She still looks at him as her sweet little brother. Fuck.

Fuck. You know what I mean? And he may have already grown up into being who he's going to be, you know, because it doesn't sound like she has that much influence over him to go get him in the ring. Yeah, let him go try to be top G and then see what happens. Yeah. And that's the thing. You kind of got to let him make his own decisions. You got to fall off that horse. Yeah. So he's getting into martial arts. Fuck. So he's already kind of doing this shit. Damn,

Damn, for some reason I thought he was like 14, 15. Because of the way she's describing him. He's still a sweet boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't know that. He might not be. At 22, boys, we get into some shit that knocks that little sweetness off of us. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, for sure. It sucks because he is 22 and he's like a few years or just going full on like conservative politics. Like bringing up fucking abortions at the Thanksgiving table. He's up, nigga. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Fuck, that's hard.

Especially when your dad's a piece of shit and sounds like he is. You can just tell in her voice, she's just so big sister, so smarter than him, and so sure of herself. And she's like, I know he's a retard, but what can I do to just steer him away from this shit? And she's just sitting there while he's throwing these points at her from Andrew Tate and all these other internet guys. It is tough. Just parroting bullshit he's heard.

I mean, look, I hate to be this guy to plug the show, but I do feel like the one thing we try and do around here is like say vulgar shit, understand that guys like saying fucked up things. The whole thing I'm trying to accomplish here is like, yeah, you can say a fucked up joke and still be a borderline good person. You can have your friend over and make fun of his mom for all the crack dick she got and still be a good guy.

You know, like that's kind of what we're trying to do here. Because another problem with this conservative shit and another problem with like... So you can get some sleep, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dave, what the fuck? But I do think... I had to bring that joke back. That's a good joke. That's a real good joke. It's a great joke. Oh, shit. But I do think... I also think some of the... And we go through... People in comedy talk about, you can't say anything anymore. It's like, that's fucking bullshit. You can say what you want. But there is... I do think some people...

are attracted to like just saying fucked up shit for the fuck like the people who complain about it let's be honest they're fucking hack and they just want to get a laugh for being either racist or homophobic or they don't want to say they don't want to have a joke behind it right they want to be shocking it ain't writing but also the other extreme of comedy I don't find funny either where it's like two like they're just making good points that you agree with oh yeah we call it Rothannuling yeah

When you're grabbing these fake pearls and you're quiet on stage for four minutes trying to find you. Get the fuck out of here, man. It was an interesting special. It was shot very nice. I'm writing it right now. I'm writing it right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I get it. No, no, no. But absolutely. The other extreme of like, you're just like...

It's not fucking appealing to me. You know what I mean? Especially to a 22-year-old that's getting into Andrew Tate, that's not appealing to them either. So it's like, I don't know. I'd like to maybe be in the fucking pod, but there's shit out there. The problem is, though, he's 22, and I hate to be the guy who's like, he's got to kind of take his own course. Yeah, man, that motherfucker's pulling Mountain Dew right now. You got to let him...

22 and 22 stuff this motherfucker gotta go fall off his horse but maybe maybe someone will open up a nice rehab for podcast listeners in the future yeah tater tots yeah yeah where everything comes down to a crawl I think the sports thing is still interesting I mean I never really played sports and looking back like I'm like damn that would have been like a valuable like

Just like experience and learning how to socialize with people. Absolutely. I feel like all the sports you played in a way that set you up nicely for how to move in comedy because that's what it is. You're interacting with a bunch of different people from different backgrounds. Totally, totally, totally. Just learning how to relate to them. That's a great point too, the diversity of it because it's like sports really is the most like –

Anyone who can do it can be on the fucking team. You can be an immigrant. You cannot even speak fucking English. It's a little different for us. We grew up in Baltimore, so we saw people from different walks of life, whatever. But for this guy, if he is sheltered and doesn't know people from other backgrounds, it could be interesting. Even a pickup run in a fucking gym, you meet people. Here's the thing, too, that sports does for you. It teaches you how to size up other people.

So, like, whatever your shortcomings are, you're going to have to get over that. You know what I mean? Because you in here, if you're a team player, you don't want your team down. So, let's say you're playing basketball and this guy, he's got a height on you. Okay, you better figure something else out. You know what I mean? So, that's a skill that helps you out in life where you're less intimidated by people because you learn how to size shit up. And it's also, let's be honest, a social lubricant.

Wow. Most people can talk about sports, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to just like... Believe me, it's a lot better thing to bring up at a party, talk about the Knicks than like how... It's a lot easier to talk about that than like how fucking trans people are insane. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Women are emasculating men all over this country, don't you think? Women don't deserve basic rights over their body. Like, it's a lot better to be like, hey, you think the Jets are going to get Aaron Rodgers? That's a much better thing. It's easy to talk about. Yeah, yeah. Because that's the thing. It's like this Andrew Tate shit has become like...

They've become nerds. Like, you've taken all the worst parts of nerds and the worst parts of jocks and mashed them together. Yeah. And it's like aggressive, misogynistic guys that don't really know how to talk to women or see them as people, but they're strong and mad for...

You know what I mean? It's like, and they're like, it's just like, it's bad. And they're on the computer all the fucking day and they don't know how to talk to anyone in real life. It really is fucking horrific. Like the fact that I didn't realize, like Tate shit started showing up a lot in my algorithm on YouTube and

And the fact that I was not aware, like, oh, this guy has been in jail for the past three months, but for rape. For sex trafficking. There was so much content coming up in the algorithm. That's what it was. I was putting shit out every day. You know what I mean? So he's already flooded the internet with so much content. And it's so stupid. Like, what was that video, Elders, where he's talking about chugging water? Oh, yeah. He was like, how can you be a man and be thirsty and you sip water? Walk around

with the bottle of water. We'll put the cap on. He's like, well, I'm thirsty. I fucking crush water. He's like, it's gay to drink water.

Fuck am I supposed to drink? It's gay to sip water and not drink a bottle of water. Motherfuckers don't have no outs. Motherfuckers don't, they don't have no answers. It's like, oh, go to the gym, work out, discipline. Yeah. She'd be like, come on, Top G. Yeah. It's just water. And the hard thing is, it's like working out and getting into even martial arts. It's like, it's not bad. Like physical stuff is good for you, but it's like,

That combination of this going down that like. Yeah, because you're hitting somebody. Yeah. You're getting some kind of. It is weird that that's kind of gotten in there. Even like the UFC stuff has a lot. Like, I think, I think like a lot of it is fucking, you know, it's cool and it's interesting to watch, but there definitely is like a subculture that is like, you know, it's like.

a little too aggressive and like conservative in these like weird like almost like like neo-fascist ways where it's like what the fuck's going on here I even think like a lot of bitch ass dudes have found out a way to give themselves cauliflower ear yeah oh shit cosmetic cauliflower ear that's so fucking funny now you gotta sit under the lamps for so much time that's crazy let me get myself cauliflower ear a BBL for dudes

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Yeah, man. Hit us with another one, Big LD. I'm going to have to piss on this place. Okay, man. That's fine. Hey, Stav. Calling in. Man's there. Looking for some relationship advice. Uh-huh. So last year, around this time, around February, I went in to get a neck surgery. It was similar to like a pacemaker.

It would help with nerve pain from a car accident years ago. And the doctor fucked up and shocked my spinal cord. Damn. And paralyzed me from the neck down. Oh, shit. And I've been grinding and trying to get better. Yes, it's okay to make fun of it. It is kind of funny, but it does suck. You got your ass fucked, man. So I've gotten my arms back. I've gotten my right leg back. Good for you. My left leg's not back, so I'm still in a wheelchair.

how the hell do I get back out there in the dating world as a single man? It's easy to talk about, and people obviously ask you about what happened, but it kind of ends after that. Nothing really matures from there. I'm a decent looking guy, nothing crazy, nothing bad, nothing good, whatever. I've done my fair share in the past years, did very well with women, but now I'm

So it's a big difference. So what do I do? A couple of things right off the top of my head. It's hilarious how much getting pussy means to men. Absolutely. It's like...

That's what I'm saying. You were paralyzed. You got your arms back. You got half your body back. And you're like, how am I going to talk to girls? You fucking, are you kidding? You know how much harder that is? I'm paralyzed from the neck down. It's done, dude. I'm learning how to play PlayStation with my tongue. If that happens to me, I'm not in fun. I'm done. Pussy. What's that about? You're a fucking G, dude. What the fuck?

Is pussy going to give me my feeling back and my toes? And also, by the way, sounds like your mouth work. You know what I'm saying? There you go. You should be great at eating pussy, you'd think. You're probably fucking pushing around your wheelchair with your tongue for a couple months. All you got to do is just position me, lady. Yeah. Carry me from the chair and lay me stomach down on the bed. Stand up like a camera. Yeah. And I got you. I'll leave a new filter, bitch. I'll do something. Are you sober?

Like the determination I got? Come on. Come on. I'm lying to you. I'm watching the check every month. I'm fucked up. I get disability checks. Well, that's the other thing. You didn't get a nice settlement from this cocksucker? Yeah, the doctor might have fucked him. And that's the thing. You're clearly like, I don't want to do... I recognize the area code, so I know what county this is in. Oh, okay. All right. And I'm going to tell you something about Delaware County. As long as you got some sort of check coming in, these ladies

You got a little check. Yeah, man. Just a little check. I lived in Delaware County for a while. I don't think they're too picky about dudes. Don't give a fuck. I've seen chicks pushing dudes to concerts and everything. You know what I mean? Don't call girls. Fuck them handicaps. That's right.

No, I mean, dude, okay, so, yeah, it's like you've already accomplished so much. And, again, I assume you're getting some kind of settlement here. That would be crazy if you're not. If you did not, yeah. It would shock your spine. And you've done so much, dude, that it's like an inspirational story. You don't, you're like, it's okay to make fun of it. That's good. You have a sense of humor about yourself. You're not, like, as long as you're ready and fully engaged,

At some point, you're just gonna have to realize the rehab situation ends and the, like, trying to get better ends and it's, like, time to live life. And once you've made that decision, it's like, you don't feel sorry for yourself. You see it for what it is, right? And...

And I think you're already on such a great, like the fact you got your arms back, you're getting your leg back. Maybe realistically, the time to worry about fucking isn't yet. Maybe you still want to focus on that other leg. Why are we stopping at three extremities? Let's get the fourth going. Before we start dealing with fucking. Guys, there's three legs. We're working on the little one first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like your dick works. Yeah.

That's so funny. And this is also why it's crazy you can't like why sex work is criminalized in America. It's like this is a perfect situation where like an escort or like like this guy's like, you know what? I still have rehab to do. I can't I can't focus on like dating right now. Yeah.

but I'd like some intimacy, some companionship. Why the fuck is it illegal in America to like, there's people that want to do that work and they could do it safer and not get murdered all the time and they could help guys like this out or other people in different situations. It's because that really seems like the thing here is like, you really just want to get your dick sucked. It

Doesn't sound like you're ready for anything serious. Yeah, man. Which imagine getting that talk from this guy. He's like, yeah, I'm just trying to kind of keep it cash right now. After she's like fucking wheeled you to fucking Cheesecake Factory. Yeah, he's trying to get back.

there now man you just need clinical you just need some pharmacy but yeah the reality is once you're once you are ready to go you just got to treat it like anything you know just and here's the dating sucks in general right it's not don't get too hung up on like your situation when you have decided you're ready to really give it a shot and you want this to be a priority for you

That's just how it goes. You're gonna go on some dates. Some are gonna work. Some are not gonna work. But there's somebody out there like don't be a you know Don't be so hard on yourself and think that this is what's getting in the way because I got news for you You might have a bad personality - yeah, I mean it's like you're talking like that and women by the way We'll put up with so much bullshit if they like you. Yeah, that's the thing if you're a woman here, you

It's harder for you like being in if the genders are flipped like I'm not saying there's not men who fuck you. They're there. There's men that'll fuck you fast if you're in a wheelchair of your woman. But are they your husband material? I don't know about that. Right. So for you, for you, like we are lucky as men that it's like women really do have a higher capacity for love and and letting shit go. And so you're fine, bro. You just got to believe in yourself when you're ready to get out there.

And we believe in you. I'm hoping you got a little check from the fucking settlement. That'd be crazy if you didn't. Don't lie to these women, though. Put your chair in the picture.

Yeah, absolutely. Put your chair in the picture. Don't you put it, bagels. Don't show that goddamn chair. Don't use the picture from your college graduation. Don't you con these gals. Post incident pictures on Tinder. That is right. Let them make their decision, man. If they're not going to fuck with you because of the picture of you in the chair, it wasn't going to go well anyway. So just save yourself that. Be honest. Be upfront with it, man. Be upfront. Exactly. Or do a little trick.

Yeah. It's like a spin move. Yeah. Learn cool moves. All right. All right, Big Eldo. Hey, Savvy. Big fan. I have a relationship question I was hoping to get some input on from someone like your caliber. Of course. So I've been dating this girl for a while now. Only thing was, I wasn't exclusive on my end at first. And then, you know, it...

involved into exclusivity on her end, but she thought I was exclusive on my end and, uh, you know, I wasn't, but now I am. Uh, do I bring that up or, uh, do I like, like, how do I, how do I approach that subject? Cause, um, I really don't know how to say like, Hey, uh, even though we start off casual and became serious, I was effectively cheating on you. Uh,

for over a year. Really appreciate some feedback on this. Love you. Okay, hold on. What are you talking about here? Effective, the word effectively cheating on you, effectively he's doing a lot of lifting in that sentence. Like, either you were or you weren't, motherfucker. Don't, don't, yeah, he really is giving us jargon right now where he's like, you know, exclusivity on her

end but not on my end this guy this guy yeah i mean it's it's hard for me to not think you suck by the way you're talking about this you're talking like a finance guy um like a fight i talked this is a five-day paragraph so look if you ever like you said you guys were for a year

she thought you were exclusive and you weren't? What does that even mean? How often did you see each other? Is this somebody you hook up with once a month for a year? That's a lot different than we saw each other twice a week for a year. Like, well, I had moved in and I still had four sides. And she was sleeping over and we were... Like, you need to... We're not the answer here. This guy's calling in for us to absolve him of his sins. Yeah. Oh, wow. But what you need to do is really think...

Take effectively out of it. Were you cheating on her? Did she have, did you ever, did you have a conversation? I mean, it sounds like you never had a conversation, but was your behavior that of somebody who was in a relationship? Are you going out? Are you meeting your friends? Are you, God forbid, meeting family? Are you, you know, how serious were you being with,

Now, look, technically, are you OK? It sounds like technically you are. Yeah. But he just got over. But also, what do you mean she thinks it was exclusive on her end? How do you know that? Did she just say, hey, it was really cool how we never fucked anybody else last year. There's no way that happened. Right.

So it's like, what are you, how are you coming up with this? She's laying on his chest one day. Yeah, yeah. So cool, Howard. Yeah, it was really cool. You haven't fucked anyone else but me. You've had me here and I've only fucked you. I love your heartbeat. Like, was it, yeah. Was it the kind of thing where she was like, do you want to be exclusive and you just play dead until she didn't ask you? That's very funny. You know? That's exactly what it is. Like, cause like, if you ignored her, like, like, you know, hints at being exclusive, like,

It's like, let's take, be honest about it, man. Did you cheat or didn't you cheat? And if you cheated, like, what do you mean how do I approach the subject? Like, I really don't understand what happened here. That's so funny. But yeah, and it sounds to me like you just needed to admit it somewhere, which is you did it here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, you could probably bury this here. You know what I mean? I don't...

I don't understand what the conversation is that you want to have. You know what I mean? Well, because, I mean, we've all been there, right, when we're dating someone, like, for the first couple months, and somebody has the, usually the woman, right, but not always. I don't want to be sexist here. Okay. Somebody has the conversation who, or someone catches feelings. You know what? I wouldn't even say usually the woman. Someone catches feelings, and they're like, the what are we conversation happens every

you know, anywhere from if you're very, if you're really gung ho about it, two weeks to like four months in, right? Rarely is it one year of regular dating. Now it could be one year of like, we've all had like hookups that maybe evolved into something and you're like, hey, why don't we try this, right? But it doesn't, who, didn't you have the conversation? Because if not, it sounds like you were lying to her, right?

So I don't know. I'm just confused. Like, if she... Did you guys ever have a conversation that was like, okay, this is fun. We should try being exclusive. And then you was fucking around after it. And then you fucked after it. Because then, yes, there's no effective... There's no smoke screens here. Like, you were cheating. Yeah. But if you didn't...

Then you probably weren't technically cheating, but she probably was assuming that you weren't fucking other people. This is also what I think it might be. Okay. Is the condom came off at some point, which usually implies exclusivity. Yeah. Yeah. So he's reaping the benefits of condomless sex. That's called the unveiling. And he knows like, ah.

Because, you know, once a girl lets you do that, you're not really, you're never going to go, hey, hey, hey, I'm seeing other people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We should probably put a little barrier between me and you. This is, I'm getting the benefits of undetected sex. He's like, wow, you've chosen me to be the guy you fuck without a condom.

I'm touched. And you know what? I will fuck everyone else with a condom as well. Right, right. But you have really bad judgment. Yeah. And I should probably put a condom on with you. Yeah. Yeah. So, look, either call back and tell us what's going on here or be honest with yourself. But if you... If she never brings it up, like...

It sounds like you really feel guilty is really what this comes down to. That's what that is. Effectively. And so if you did and you really care about this girl and you do want to be a sleuth, when you do want to give this a shot and you feel guilty...

You should be like, I mean, have you had the exclusivity conversation? I just don't get where you're going. Has she brought up exclusivity? It sounds like yes now. On her end, that's still very vague. I know. I don't know what you're talking about, dude. Because I got to be honest, it sounds like you were cheating. I'll get a little sexist here. I'll say girls need to understand. Yeah. Eldest Tate. There you go. Okay.

You'll need to understand, like, if you don't, like, have to talk about it explicitly, it will not hold up in the court of law. So this guy needs to push his guilt down. If they never talked about it, shock it up to a big misunderstanding and look forward to the future. Now you know you're exclusive and... Okay, that's fair, but speaking as someone who had a relationship that went from on-again, off-again casual to, like, serious...

You will pay the reaper at some point. Like, that will come up. Something will happen. And if you're serious about this, you should clear the air immediately.

If he feels he's done something wrong, he should clear the air at the beginning of the relationship because it's either going to work now or it won't work. A year is crazy to do that without just letting your own guilt eat at you or something. So that's kind of impressive that this guy just lied to himself for that long. Think about this. I started dating a girl at the beginning.

beginning of the pandemic, like right before the pandemic started. And again, it wasn't exclusive, but it became exclusive during the pandemic. And then when things started to open up, the evidence of that non-exclusivity became apparent. I'll never forget being out with my girl and there was another girl that I was dealing with who was just around. You know what I mean? And she wasn't making a scene or anything, but...

Afterwards, we're having a conversation and we're just like, yeah, and that was cool and random and such and such and such and such. And yeah, this person was cool. And I casually bring up the person and my girl goes, yeah, and you fucked her. And I'm like, whoa. And she's like, oh no, that was obvious. You know what I mean? You can tell by the way that person was in your space and the way that they respond to you and the way that they were following you around the room. You guys have fucked before. So, you know, it is one of those things where...

he might be worried about those walls closing in on him. Sure, sure. Oh, that's true. Good point. Yeah, dude, I mean, look, you haven't given us enough information. That's your fault for treating us like we are your girlfriend. Yes. You know, like... This motherfucker effectively can't shut up. Yes.

You could have left the on her ends and the effectiveness. You could have left that out. He tried to mansplain it to us. You could have just told us what happened. What?

But you chose not to, and that's why you're getting this kind of muddled advice. But I do think in general, your options are push it down if you think it won't come up again and it will hold in court. But I also, I hate to be this guy who's like,

To be realistic, you're kind of building your house on an Indian burial ground if you do that. So, like, figure... Like, your choices are push it down and probably the relationship is doomed or...

deal with it now before the walls start bleeding yeah deal with it now and it might not survive but if it does survive yes if it does survive at least you won't be living in poltergeist yeah absolutely good reference very good reference alright you guys have time for one more what do you say fellas do one more I gotta pee soon so yeah yeah

Great episode, guys. Thanks for coming. Listen to the podcast, guys. No need for apologies here. No need for apologies. Hit us with the hit us with take us home, Elders.

Hey, Asabi. Hope you're doing well on tour. Hope you're getting all the pussy you've wanted for your entire life. I've gotten a nice amount. Maybe not all of it. I just need a little bit of advice on a friend of mine. I've got this, like, girl group I hang out with consistently. It's like four of us. We always go out to bars and shit like that to

but there's just like one girl in the group who is just always trying to start fights and will find literally any fucking reason to like...

make everybody upset. Remind you of anyone, Dave? Yeah, mine. We just want to give up our priorities or our lifestyle to hang out with her. Do you have any advice on how to either get her to stop doing that or just get her out of the friend group entirely? I would really appreciate it. Sounds like somebody just turned 24. That's ridiculous.

That's what this question feels like. Growing up is so hard to do. I'm going to get rid of this friend. Yeah. I mean, this is a natural evolution of life. You are going to peel off pieces of shit. You were too drunk for the last couple years of your life to realize what a fucking piece of shit this lady was. So it's starting to dawn on you. And look, that's what it is, man. It's like how many friends have... Like me and Eldis, again, we've been friends our whole lives.

A lot of people have come and gone. A lot of people have been in the, like, crew that have peeled off, that have done a fucked up thing to one of us or tried a shady thing here or started a fight there or fucking, you know, just been a bad... Proven themselves to be a bad hang ten times in a row. I hate a bad hang. And you're like, all right. This...

It's not a fluke. You're 10 out of 10. You gotta go. You gotta get the fuck out of here. We finally hung out sober 10 times in a row, and I finally realized you're a piece of shit. It's you. Yeah. It's you. And so, I hate to say it, but it's like, you can certainly try if this person is a close friend of yours, but it doesn't sound like it from your... It's just one girl in the group. Yeah. Yeah.

It really feels like this is a natural thing that this bitch is going to get iced out. Yeah. She's going to meet other train wrecks. She's possibly going to become a single absentee single mother. Like she's got she's got her path. You've got yours. Like, all right. I guarantee you this is the kind of girl that switches jobs. And when you go, oh, how come you don't work over there?

Oh, you know, they was hating on me over there. Wait, what? They do that at jobs? They hate? Some place you clock in and they pay you? They hate? That's in their contract? Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. You're so right, dude. Or like all her other friends were crazy. Or like, you know what I mean? It's just like...

This is somebody that's got just again. I don't know your age It would have helped us but that my hunch is this is you're in that period after college when you are starting to settle into who you actually are and a lot of people are gonna just go yeah, and Some of it is said like it's hard in America like America's a tough country in terms of when people live in the burbs like when people when you're more isolated and you lose friends, but like I

Speaking for me, I live in a big city, you know, all this shit. It's like, and you know, my job is very social. Like I've lost a lot of friends, but I've made, I've also found people I'm actually compatible with. Yeah. And it's like, there is something sad to peeling some of those guys, people off, but there's something nice about being like, Hey, this is who I actually like being around. Like, this is who I want to spend my time with. And like, yeah. Hang out with somebody you hate. There's, there was so much of that growing up. Right.

We had friends when we were teenagers that we disliked. That we saw every day and went to parties with. And we were like, shut up, fucking idiot. But he was in my life constantly. That shit just happened when you're young. And the older you get, the more you're like, why am I doing this? Dude, I was just talking about this. There was a guy in my neighborhood who I was friends with. I mean, we got the same tattoo on our arm. We were crew, you know what I mean? But after high school, he just wasn't doing...

Yeah. And he knew it. Yeah. And he lived across the street from the main store in the neighborhood. So this guy would be in front of his house just dribbling a basketball. Right, right, right. So it's like if you're going to the store to get... You'd see him. He's running right up on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like he would... Good real estate. He would hone in on people...

where once he kind of followed you to the store and had a good interaction with you and kind of followed you home and figured out where you lived, he starts showing up at your door. Yeah. First thing in the morning, yo, what's the moves today? Yeah.

holy shit are we friends now you know what I mean and that's kind of how he became your friend but you slowly realize oh this guy he has no aspirations on leaving the block or the neighborhood and he's trying to hold everybody in yeah yeah yeah I mean certainly there's neighborhood like that's the thing

That's neighborhood shit, right? You just have people just because where you grew up. And yeah, we saw a lot of my friends were like that when I was younger, right? And then you go to college and you have your college friends because you went to the same... Because you happen to be in the same dorm freshman year and those are your friends for the next four years. And then it's like... And then slowly... And then it's like you have your... So some of them make... Some high school friends make it to college and...

and then some college friends make it to adulthood, and it's like, but a lot of them bleed off, right? - Yeah. - And it's like, this lady just feels, this girl feels like she's gonna bleed off out of your life.

Here's the other thing. There's nothing more freeing than when you bring this to the other people in the group and everyone's on board. And everyone's like, hey. It's a unanimous vote. Hey, should we just not invite Maria? And they just create a new group chat. They just move over. New group chat. That's what it's called. Without this bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. That's what the name of the chat is called. Without this bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? Just move over. Just move.

I'm pretty sure this girl is already ruining the group chat with her Android phone. All green bubble bits. Get this green shit off the group chat. Green is rotten.

so yeah absolutely so look it is thrilling though right because it is a little bit like you're doing like you're doing a coup like you're gonna overthrow a dictator where it's like you just kind of start putting feelers out there you maybe just you maybe just roast her once and you see how hard they laugh you know what I mean like that's how it begins I feel like this girl is late to things so just

you know, throw it out there when all the other girls get their table. That way it's in person. There's no digital receipt to show that you initiated this. You know what I mean? It's just, hey, hey, guys. Damn, pull up a chair. Yeah. Oh, yeah, no. Actually, we were thinking we're too tired to go to the diner today. And then text them from your car. You know, actually, I'm hungry. Yeah.

That's great. Yeah, do it with that with her. Get in the car, do something else. Yeah, but this is a... Give her a fake address. Honestly, this is kind of cute. This is like watching a baby walk for the first time. Okay. Like seeing this question, it's kind of cute. I'm like, aww. This is the first time this is happening to her. Yeah, bro. It's honestly, I got to say, I'm also... Now, I will also be fair and highlight my own biases. Eldest will tell you, I am very pro-cutting someone off.

I got the fuck it. I'll chop someone out of the group fast. That is my style. But I'm also...

Another thing I'll tell you The people that are in I'm Like those are my fucking guys Absolutely I'm as loyal as it gets To the like To the like top eight in my life Yeah But it's like It is hard to get into like The central group And then it's But it is easy Like when you get a tryout If you're being a dumb bitch You're out Yeah So that is a little bit of me But I also think This is just a general This is just a general life thing Where it's like You start cutting people out And it feels fucking awesome Feels good

You're lighting the load. No one, you're not getting, yeah, no bouncers are kicking you out. You're not having to go back and get her debit card the next morning. Like, shit's, you're going to be fine. So good for you. We're rooting for you. She didn't take some black dude's hat. Do you play football? Why? Why? Why are you guys stopping me? Yeah.

That's so great. He likes it. What are you talking about? Awesome. Yeah, dude. Oh, fuck. So, yeah, good luck with it. And look, it's nice. It's cute that you're growing. This is honestly growing up.

That's going to do it for us, folks. Guys, thank you. Man, fantastic, bro. Dave Derrick, such a fun episode. You guys were great. Jokes on jokes on jokes. Yeah, come back sometime when we're doing our next batch for sure. We'd love to have you guys back. Absolutely. And yeah, listen to the podcast, guys. Follow our friends here on socials and call 904-800-STOP if you want to leave a voicemail for the future. We'll see you next time, guys. Bye.