#24 - Mike Vecchione
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. I'm thrilled to have a son of Italy here on the podcast, a former resident of this fine neighborhood. Mike was tearing up just walking the streets of Astoria. He abandoned us for Midtown. He thinks he's Mr. fucking Manhattan now. Fuck.

Damn it. I think I'm Mr. Gramercy Kips Bay. Oh, Mr. Gramercy over here. Yeah, you did. You got a Gramercy vibe about you. Like my chest tightened up as I was walking down these beautiful streets, man. Smelling all the cologne and body odor past the either European, Arab, or whatever ethnicity guys. Oh my God, it's so much diversity here. It is. And that's in now. I know. It's old-fashioned diversity too. It's like...

They are, you see, it's the beauty of this neighborhood is you see how we really are all the same people. Yeah. Because it's like, whether it is Eastern Europeans, whether it is like, you know, Indian people, Southeast Asians, or, you know, Arabs or whatever, it's like...

All of them are loud. All of them are wearing fake jewelry to show off. The body odor's out of control. You know what I mean? It's like they're trying to cover it with either cologne or Axe body spray. You know what I mean? It's like we're all worn, dude. All of them are chain-smoking. The children are chain-smoking. Everybody's chain-smoking. When you get to this country, you work in chain-smoke. It's beautiful because it's like, yeah, you really see people. In this neighborhood, you see people that are like...

they have adapted to America so beautifully and in their own way that if they were in their home country, they would be having like skirmishes, like border wars with people that are like one degree darker or like one sect of Christianity different. It's like,

Like, how it's like Yugoslavia was killing each other. Here, it's like, you know, those guys are married to, like, Caribbean women. It's like, it's a beautiful thing, dude. It doesn't make sense in terms of racism. Yeah, yeah. It's like, they are... And the best part is, they are still racist. Yeah. But in the most non-trivial ways. Like, that's the beauty of this, like, working class, these working class, like, this is, like, the kind of place that...

In reality, this is the place that educated, college, middle-of-the-road liberals are like, we want diversity. Meanwhile, those people, all of their friends are white and rich, and they have one black friend that they make uncomfortable, who they show off, basically. They'll bring three Chinese people, two black, they have a list of, oh, my dinner party has to have a ratio. Whereas here, yeah, they will probably say the N-word.

You know what I mean? Like for a joke. Yeah. But they are like, they love people of all different. It's like, I love that. I love Queens. I love fucking just rough. This is the most diverse area, I think in the country. Yeah. Per capita. That's what I think. That's what I've said. I've heard that repeated a lot. And I say it cause it's, that makes me sound cool. Cause I live here. I've lived here the whole time. Yeah. The banner of diversity. But I got to say when me and Dan Soder lived together under a train for 10 years, I was like,

I don't know how you can sleep without a train like rocking you to sleep. When I first moved and there was no train rocking me to sleep, I was like, I can't sleep.

without the N, the R, or the Q. Yeah, dude. I know. That apartment was fucking awesome, by the way. It was a great one. And then how about, for the fans, I got to say, like, you would come over and then we would go eat and we would go to that restaurant, that Greek restaurant. Busy Grill. Busy Grill. And you would talk to them and we would just get treated like kings. Yeah.

I don't know what you said to them in Greek, but they just kept bringing food. It was unbelievable, man. Well, you know what's the best part? So it's an Albanian-owned, which Eldis is an Albanian. And it's an Al- No, stop. I have to get control of the soundboard. Stop taking over our social clubs. The Albanians are moving into an organized crime. Mike, you're not going to like this, but a lot of the pizza places in this city are Albanian-owned. Shut the fuck up. Eldis, silence your own mic. We're putting you in Albanian time out.

Which is Croatia. Isn't it? Isn't it? Something over there? It's a Croatian man's cellar. You have to sit there with no food or water. Hope it rains so you can wet your fucking dog tongue a little bit. Um...

So that's the, it was a rub because it's like, it is, it's Albanian owned. So when we got the Greek waiter, I realized this after the fact. Okay. There was a Greek waiter who, when I spoke to him in Greek, we're treated like kings. Yeah. And then there was an Albanian waiter who, when I spoke to him in Greek and he didn't know Greek, he would fuck our orders up. He would forget. And I was like, how is it that we get, and look at all this smiling contentedly fucking piece of shit. Wow.

But I was like, why is this? Why does this go? Why does the customer service vary so wildly from time to time? And that was it, dude. Because of ethnicity. It was ethnicity. I think we should, everybody should meet the Albanians and the Greeks at the Neptune Diner. Yeah. Yeah.

There's no other place to talk about it, I think. It's the DMZ for Albanians. Do you ever talk to an old waiter at the Neptune Diner? I talked to him one day. He was like, dude, we used to have, there was a nightclub down the street. We used to have fist fights in here between Greeks and Albanians. Russians would come in. We'd have all these different ethnic fights. This was like a, it's a diner, but it was a jail. Yeah, yeah.

Basically. No, Astoria used to be popping, bro. Yeah, nightclubs. Like, people would come from Baltimore. Like, Greek people would come from all over the eastern seaboard. It was like Mecca. It was like Greek trash Mecca. You would come because they would have, like, traditional Greek nightclubs where they're playing, like, bouzouki and they're playing, like, from Greece music. And they would just, like...

I ran into people who I grew up with, right? And it's a little less now than it used to be in the 90s and the 2000s. But I remember our Greek school, we would take field trips to Astoria. Not New York City. We would take a bus, drive through Manhattan, and come to...

To Astoria, to go to Titan, the Greek supermarket you used to live across from. Yeah, yeah. We would hit that one. There was like a Greek record store where you would buy Greek music. I remember that. Yeah. That was across the street for years. Yeah, and there was like a Greek tchotchke shop where it's like, you know...

Like the worry beats combo Lloyd, you know just like icons like all this shit's in like some people would go like, you know some people go to a Broadway show or like they were there like we go to music or when we did go to Manhattan the only sanctioned activity was to look go to the Met and

only in the Greek section. Literally, we would be in the Met, finish looking at the Greek statues, and then they'd be like, all right, let's pack it up. We wouldn't even bother looking at any other. That was what I knew of as New York, was Queens and any Greek statue that was in Manhattan. It was so great. And we had, when Greek satellite TV came out,

When they got that in like, I don't know, like the early 2000s. Feta TV? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Feta TV, dude. When they had that, they would, the commercials, New York would buy, Astoria Restaurants would buy commercials of,

And so every Greek person in America who was watching like... Who was watching Feta TV, who was watching like Greek soccer matches and Greek news and like Greek sitcoms, they replaced the local Greek like, you know, the Greek supermarket commercials. It would be for literally Taverna Kiklades. They would be like, come to, you know, come to... Or the supermarket. And it was like this mystique was built up about like Astoria as like the metropolis of Greece. Yeah. It was... And sometimes...

And it would be a big thing. Like, even one time a Baltimore restaurant bought, like, one commercial on the channel, on the satellite. And it was, like, a big thing. We were like, oh, my God. The restaurant my mom works at has a commercial on Dish Network's Greek channel? Wow. You guys are on the map. Dude, it was literally like that. Like, that was fame to us. As you know, we lived across from that Greek supermarket, which we never really went to. And then there was...

a Greek music store across the street for years and years. I remember me and Soder would leave the apartment sometimes and we'd go, okay, I'm going out. Does anybody need anything from the Greek music store? Does anybody need an olive tambourine? They were selling shit like that, dude. Dude, it was so great. No, that's exactly...

And there was a funeral home on the corner that turned into a Starbucks. Right. And Soder was like, I'm never going to that Starbucks because it was a funeral home. It was a haunted Starbucks. But that's my idea for like instead of college, you know, you just assign a young person to a building. Whatever that building becomes is what that person does. Okay. Wouldn't that make your life more rich? It's like I was a funeral director. Now I'm in charge of a Starbucks. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, if it becomes a music store or whatever, it becomes a diner. It's like, you just do all of it. I have to adjust. Yeah. I love that. That's great. You literally just invented feudalism. Where it's like, you take a poor person and a building that a rich person owns, and the rich person decides it's no more a funeral home. Learn how to make coffee. You're like, yes, sir. I will do it for my rations. He just said.

- That is feudalism. - Yeah. - I guess that sometimes you stumble into feudalism. - Sorry? - I don't know. - Whatever plot of land you're born on, you have to do whatever I say on that plot of land until you die.

But if they sell it to somebody else, then that person decides. Right, right, right. It's true. You're governed by the rich class. Yeah, you're governed by the landowner. I never thought about it like that. You purely invented feudalism. It's like exactly how medieval peasants lived. That's the other thing. I was walking... I was in L.A. I did... I went to go...

Somebody was doing Conan. Either Mark or Joe List was doing Conan. I just happened to be there, so I went to the taping, hung out with them. And the Uber was like... When we got done, it was like 6 or 7 o'clock. Ubers were like 70 bucks to go like 1.5 miles. So I was like, I'm just not paying that on principle, so I decided to walk back. And I'm walking back... Well, it wasn't Mark, because he...

It definitely wasn't, you know, we can say, well, it might have been Mark because he definitely wouldn't pay for your Uber. So we know that much. So we can eliminate Mark, right? Or no, it might have been Mark. If it was like Sam or Joe, they might have been caught up in the moment and been like, let me get you a car, buddy. But Mark was like, oh, can I borrow for $20? You know, as he's making $40,000 to do a one night in LA right before Conan. He books a gig the same day as Conan so he doesn't lose money doing TV. Yeah.

Mark does Conan and then has three spots. How is it going to run? Can I go before Kelly Cuoco? Hey, Kelly, you want to switch with me? I got to hit the store.

I got to follow Bobby Lee in a half hour. So I'm just walking back and it's a nice day. And I'm looking at the houses and, you know, JP, who booked it, he happened to be driving. I know him. He picks me up. He goes, I'll give you a ride back. Give me a ride back. And I was saying to him, I'm like, I think the way to go about, you know, instead of college and deciding what you're going to do, it's like you see a house you like, you walk up, you knock on the door and the person opens it and you go,

What do you do for a living? And then whatever they say, you just do that because that's the kind of house you want to live in. Because every job, just because of job after a while, you know what I mean? It's like you start out teaching or whatever with a passion for it. And then after the years and years go by, you go, first of all, this wasn't what it was when I started it. And then we're just talking about that, about comedy. Whatever industry you're in will shift under your feet. So it's like that. But at least I have a nice...

I love my house. I love my house, dude. Yeah, absolutely. Maybe that's the way to go. That's smart. They say don't do it for money, all this stuff, and do it for what you love. But what you love, it changes from what you love to something completely different. Of course. So at the end of the day, it kind of is about money. It is for money. It's fully for money. Like, do something that you won't make you want to kill yourself actively. But that's...

Very few people are lucky enough to just do something that they find that fulfilling. Well, I think because they start doing it and then they get a family. Right. And then it's like the thing changes that they're doing. And they're like, oh, I hate this now. But it's like now I have to feed. It's not about me anymore. It's about my wife and kids and survival and stuff. So now they're like, well, I guess I'll just grit my teeth.

Yeah. And you know what else is like the reality probably is that some of the jobs that I think people would find fulfilling in America, we've made it so that like, oh, actually you can't survive on that. Like teaching kids probably is incredibly fulfilling. Right. But people don't want to be making fucking $38,000 a year. You know what I mean? Like being a nurse, you know, a doctor, all this stuff, but it's like,

Even a doctor, it's like we think it's such a good job, but it's like a lot of debt. Right. A lot of school. Right. And then when you're in it, you have to hustle your ass off. Yeah. In order to make any kind of money. Dude, I know. It's crazy. Live like a doctor. This is my theory for Greek restaurants and doctors.

It's like, if you're good at branding and marketing, I don't want to go to your restaurant and I don't want you to be my doctor. Right. Because if you know Photoshop, if you know TikToks, if you know Reels, are you fucking, are you studying up on the latest medical techniques? Yeah. Like, I had a foot doctor who was, like, upselling me. Like, he was like, hey, your foot's healed, but, you know, we're doing, like, cutting edge surgery.

sports medicine at this clinic right now and I'm like you want me to just do the same thing that like an NFL I don't need what Saquon Barkley gets man just let me fucking let me be able to walk I'm fat as shit yeah they're doing they're selling you a body contour yeah we can take your foot and we can put it next to your hand yeah it's like those guys who get their ears that lizard guy who gets his ears cut off and it's like we could start crafting you into a serpent that would be kind of cool to have different like cool feet

Yeah. They give you hooves like a horse. They're more heavy duty. And then you'd have to put them on OnlyFans. Of course. That would be cool, yeah. Some guy getting jacked off by two hooves. You know someone's into that, dude. You know that's 100% in there. I didn't know the foot market was so flooded. The foot market's out there, dude. You don't strike me as a foot guy. You strike me as a meat and potatoes, tits and pussy kind of guy. Yeah.

Right down the middle. Right down the middle. Old school. Nothing weird. A little flirty. Yeah, that's me. What gave it away? The haircut? Yeah, the haircut. Your entire vibe. The tucked into your jeans black t-shirt that you're wearing right now. I know that the folks can't see, but believe me, it's there.

It's lurking underneath. Well, you... Because, I mean, everyone likes to, you know... Obviously... And by the way, we should say... Mike's adding a new special out. Go watch it. The Attractive's on YouTube right now. Very funny. Please. Like it. Share it. Like it. Share it. One of the best comics. So funny. Great jokes. You're going to love it, guys. But, you know, you talk... And everyone...

People who are, like, fans of New York comedy specifically, like, do know you and, you know, for sure, you know, roommates of Soda. Like, we've... You're all over pods. Everyone kind of knows you, but it's, like... And everyone, I think, has this idea of, like, a, you know, a 100% Italian guy, but you also, like, you didn't grow up in, like, a super Italian, like...

You weren't like, you know, in New York or Jersey or like... No, no. My family was very Italian. It's just like I'm not a typical... I'm not like a... And I played sports and all that, but I'm not like a meat-heady guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I like to read and all that. Yeah, because you go... You can tell by my act. Like, when I go up and I'll do my act and then come offstage, people go, I wasn't expecting that from you. Because I look like I'm going to get up there and go, boom, boom, what about

My mom my grandfather he'd be so mad if you see how many trans people there are today Oh

You leave it out for everybody to see. So wait, it's like somewhere fucking weird, right? It's like Youngstown, Ohio. Youngstown, Ohio. And then I went to high school in Boca Raton, Florida. Right, right, right. Boca Raton, a little more like Italian, that's where they retire. Yes. But Youngstown was the one that I keep. For some reason, I was like, it's Youngstown or it's some weird part of Pennsylvania. It's the Baltimore of Ohio. Yeah, yeah. Let me put it in your terms. What are you talking about? It's a shining city on a hill? Yeah.

It's a gleaming cultural hub? Is that what you mean? I didn't realize that about Youngstown. It's all the crime with no show. Wired.

There's no The Wire, Youngstown. Yeah, it's like, it's like kind of in that weird, like, Midwest, like, no man's land of like, like weird Ohio, like, what is it? Eastern Ohio, Western Pennsylvania kind of melds together as one place. I know Pennsylvania more than Ohio. Right. It's right on the border. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a steel town. It's a, it's a Rust Belt town. Yeah, so I see, I see what you're saying. I mean, yeah, and that's funny because, you know, Baltimore, obviously, there are these cities that are Rust Belt, you

You know, leftovers, Baltimore, Cleveland, you know, a lot of parts of, you know, Pittsburgh, obviously, famously. But at least the big cities did get to retain some culture, some... We have sports teams, you know what I mean? Yeah, because I think it's like finance, other industries rolled in there. Finance or like some kind of something, software, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But those hard luck Midwest cities, like...

they kept saying, it's like, we're rejuvenating, we're building it back, but it just, now it's, I think it's like to the point where it's like, we're just knocking buildings down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, any kind of wealth moved out to the suburbs. Of course. And we're just like, you know, you know things are bad when they're shutting Catholic schools, but then when they start shutting down public schools, Mm.

And stuff. It's like, there's no residents in the city anymore. Yeah, well, when they shut down... Everybody moved out. Exactly. Because Catholic schools famously are where people who don't want to admit they're racists send their kids. Because they're like, no, no, it's not about that. We don't care. It's about religious education. Right, right, right. Our children are going to learn that the earth is 6,000 years old. That's what's important to us. Not...

That they don't, they're not around black people. That's how Baltimore was, dude. It's like, everybody I knew went to Catholic school was so fucking stupid because it's like, you really want to learn from nuns? Yeah. You think they know what the fuck's going on? There's a couple, don't get me wrong, there's a couple smart nuns, but we're a long way away from like, when like, monks and nuns were like, the intelligentsia in like, the middle ages. Like, now they're like, people who

I mean, I don't even fucking know what a Baltimore suburban or what a Youngstown nun is like. Right. She's probably fucking stupid as shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You better know what's going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, that's what I say about Catholic schools in a city like Youngstown. It's like when they leave, it's like Jesus doesn't even want to stay here.

That's how bad the crime is. It's getting bad. So were you guys like, so you're third generation Italians. Third generation, but on both sides, mother and father. Right. Yeah. You could still be in the mafia? You can trace it back all the way? I think so. I just couldn't do any of the violence. But just from genealogically, right? Genealogically, I could be, yes. You got to be able to trace it back on your mother's side. We trace back on both sides. Both sides, beautiful. So I could be a maid member. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's comforting.

I would be a bad mafia guy. 100%. I would just... My main reason for being in the mafia would be to tell people I'm in the mafia, and that's one of the main rules. One of the things you can't do. You can't do it. You can't talk about this thing of ours. But in Astoria, that's weird. It's like the Greeks and the Italians kind of work together. Like Greek... Because I don't think... The Greeks do have an organized crime. No, not organized enough. But you guys have your...

soccer clubs here. Yeah, it's a soccer club. A social club, yeah. There's probably little scams. But yeah, Greeks never... There was never a Greek mafia because we just...

That's not us, man. No? We're not putting it together. It's funny to think that there's a group of people less logistically inclined than the Italians, but that's Greeks, man. And it's like everyone wants to be the fucking boss. That's the thing. No Greeks could ever have a mob because it's like, fuck you. I'm the fucking boss. Yeah.

We would kill each other immediately. It's like most Greek people in organized crime were like just kind of like free agents. Yeah, yeah. That would get picked up, do little jobs and shit like that. But I love the, I love living in Astoria, the surprise Greek Easter. It's like you just wake up on Sunday, go to get something to eat. It's like everything's closed. Yeah, yeah. You have to slowly like unravel what happened. It's like, oh, they don't celebrate Easter with the rest of the Christian calendar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're coming up, baby. Next week. Yeah, whatever.

I mean, who knows when the fuck this comes out? We've pre-recorded so many. We're up against a couple things, but... Because, you know, with the specials coming up, folks, we're about to go on a West Coast swing. But yes, we were just in Atlanta for a regular fake-ass Easter. And this week coming up is Greek Easter, baby. Nice. Greek people love Easter, dude. That's our, like, Thanksgiving. Because it's like... Because everyone still fasts in Greece. Like, here, not... I mean, when I was younger, I did grow up Greek Orthodox. And we weren't super religious, but we would...

I had like a couple dalliances where I was like, maybe God's real. And I was like, maybe I should do what he says. And so there was times in my life where I didn't have meat for like, now I'm not gonna tell you I made it the whole 40 days, but I think one year I did all 40 days, no meat.

And that's when I'm like fat, you know, just like a fat teenager, which is a real, I mean, a lot of fish, a lot of fish sticks, a lot of frozen flounder, a lot of takeout calamari. It wasn't, you know, whatever it was. I was still in, somehow I feel like Jesus didn't have, when he said fast, he didn't have fish fillets and like salmon and calamari in his mind. I think he thought, I think he thought it was going to be a little more, you know, austere than that. But still, technically I made it. All those religious, oh,

All religions have some sort of fasting and it turns out like medically it's great for you. Yeah. It's really something. That's so true. It gets shut down by the media because, you know, the pharmaceuticals can't sell pills often. Right, right, right. And if you're healthier, they can't sell you pills. So that's why the knowledge on fasting gets shut

down but it's great for you and there's a reason all these religions have yeah yeah yeah really i mean it's an internal sacrifice also sure supposed to be sacrificing to god that not not eating it all it makes you appreciate more yeah but it medically it's like really good for you and that's interesting because christians kind of lost that don't eat at all thing yeah and the only ones who kept it were muslims really ramadan is the only yeah they were doing they're doing fucking intermittent fasting

Make your own pro-Ramadan, folks. Pro-Ramadan. You heard it. I would walk to yoga. I went to yoga in Astoria, and I would walk on Fridays, and all the Muslims would be going. It's their day. And then I'd come out, and they would all be coming out. I love that. I love that brotherhood. I take my mother to church on Friday.

Christmas Eve. Nice. And whenever I'm there, I'll take her to church and it's just like, you look over the people, it's like everybody's really old. Yeah, yeah. Like we're aging out. Oh, for sure. Like Christianity is aging out and Catholicism, at least in this country, is so big in South America and Mexico. But it's like in this country, I think we're aging out whereas the Muslims, like everybody's young. Yeah, dude. Everybody's like,

bringing their kids. It's a community thing too. It's a community thing. It's very beautiful. And also, I'm sure you've seen it, when you go to LaGuardia and you're in the cab and you see all the cab drivers where they go to the bathroom, like the outhouse where they go to the bathroom, they're all praying prayerfully.

behind there yeah you know i mean i i really like that well i think what's going on is one of their friends has been constipated for a while and they're and they're asking god they're asking god to open up his asshole i think i'm not sure but i think i heard something like that my joke on it is it looks beautiful that they're praying it's like what are they praying for yeah another 9-11 maybe all right so mary's is fellas stop their prayers can we get it listen i'm all for it

A little further from the airport, please. Can we just get... Can we get a mile away from the airport? Based on our history. We'll build you a nice little mosque. Just... A mosque somewhere else would be good. Look, build it there. Maybe we'll get those dividers when an accident happens on the highway. People just get a little nervous. They see all those carpets real close to LaGuardia. God.

But no, it is... I think about that sometimes too because one of the key parts to growing up Greek Orthodox, in hindsight, right? Like, you know, I'm not very religious. I've taught... You know, I'm not like... I don't really think Christian God exists the way they tell you. Like, I'm not... I haven't gone full like there's nothing out there, but...

I find it hard to believe that, you know, just a book written by Jews 4,000 years ago nailed it. You know what I mean? That there's no revisions. I don't like the way you said Jews. Huh? I don't love the way you said Jews. I'm technically in. You got to sneak it in where you can, Mike. Technically, I'm right. It was basically prehistoric Jews that wrote that book.

You guys really think a motherfucker is just some guy 4,000 years ago doing this on some fucking tablets? You think he's got the key to every all knowledge? I'm a little skeptical, personally. I'm shocked that you don't believe in blonde hair, blue eyed jeans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but...

I think what was so important to me growing up was this, the feeling of community. Like, yeah, like I went to Greek school at the church. I learned Greek at the church. I learned Greek history in the church. We had like mythology class. We had all this shit that was like, and then, you know, the first time I get drunk is literally in my church. Like we would have a party, the Greek festival every year.

New Year's every year. I mean, can I stop you? You took a mythology class? I did. We would do mythology on Fridays every other Friday. That's pretty great. And I would go to Greek school Monday, Wednesday. Mondays and Wednesdays every week. And then every other week we had Friday. And Friday was mythology and Greek dance. That's awesome. We would learn about Zeus and then people would be like... Like all these little kids learning steps to like a fucking dance. It was pretty fun. That's pretty awesome. Because we learned Greek mythology but as part of English.

in our English classes. Yeah, because it's so, there's so many like archetypes are based off Greek mythology. So that makes sense. But no, we learned it as almost like, and dude, I was such an annoying little, I loved mythologies when I was like, like those were my superheroes when I was like eight and I would have like, and that's how my parents taught me. Like I read Greek

as a like a eight year old nine year old because I was reading like Greek mythology in Greek and it was like simple story you know children's books but it was like a way for me to connect to my culture but then once I was like hey wait a second maybe this God shit is bullshit and also I will say this this is how dumb my brain is also we got a new priest who was a Steelers fan yeah

And the part of it was that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was like, I'm a little skeptical on organized religion. And if God exists, they transferred a Pittsburgh priest to fucking Baltimore. Fuck that cocksucker. Literally. And he was a piece of shit. Like his son was an asshole. Because our priests get the fuck. That's why we kind of do a thing where, you know, we're like, hey, what if we figured out a way to have them not be child molesters? That was kind of a big thing the Greek Orthodox Church came up with.

And it's like letting them get pussy, it turns out. But they have to be married? No, no, no. So to be married, you can be like a parish priest because, you know, it's natural. And I'm not sure about this. Again, I didn't do research, but somewhere I heard that essentially the reason Catholic priests can't have kids is it was like a fucking cost-cutting measure. I'm sure that that was behind it. Where they were like, if they don't have kids, we don't have to feed families. Whereas in Greek...

Orthodox religions, it was like, it makes a lot of sense because historically you settle in a community, you have a family like everyone else, you have a wife, you have kids, you can teach these lessons. And, you know, again, you don't fuck the children because you're not a child molester. You're a straight man who happens to be a priest. But yeah, his son was a fucking piece of shit too. Like he was just an annoying, like,

I don't know, maybe I shouldn't say this about it. There were just some rumors about it where you're like, this priest can't even raise his kid. And more importantly, he's a Ben Roethlisberger fan. And I'm going to have to fucking listen to this guy. So there was a, you know, it shows you the mind of a, you know, that's like the Ravens mean more to me than God, basically. Where I was like, I put Ed Reed ahead of John the Baptist. No question. No.

Not even close. Lamar Jackson means way more to me. That MVP season, Lamar, stay, please. For the love of God, stay. He's unreal. He's actually from Boynton Beach, Florida. Oh, yeah, yeah. My mother lives right now in Boynton Beach. That's awesome. But in Catholic faith, it's like the whole premise is that they can't have wives because, number one, they're married to God, which is something that I think regular men would love to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When women are like, we need to get married. It's like, sorry, babe, I'm married to God. Sorry, yeah. I can't do it. And vow of poverty. Vow of poverty is...

Oh, yeah, you could definitely see that with the Pope. That cocksucker's got gold from fucking, like, every nation that the Catholic Church took over in the 1300s. He's got gold from Africa and, like, fucking Germany and, like, just Vikings horns somewhere. He's got one lung, Stavi. Does he, this one? This particular one? Yeah, one lung. Whatever. Fuck him. I remember he was getting, like, really good press because he was like, hey...

maybe gays won't go to hell. But he didn't say they're not. He was like, it was basically like, he's like, look, if it was up to me, they're in. But you know, we got God. We got God, you know, the boss. Look, my boss says it's okay. I'm putting you in with a smile on my face. I'm not kicking you out. I'm not kicking gay guys out. But the Catholic Church has that thing where it's like, where they just stay steeped and they're not...

There's no elasticity. There's no flexibility on stuff. And I think as a result, they lose. That's why everybody's aging out because it's like people are showing up to mass and it's like if you have real – you could be speaking to these real issues that people are having. People are suffering in their life. People go through divorce, bankruptcy. They're going through all this stuff and they're showing up. It doesn't look like it on their face, but people have had –

You know, life is just a tragedy of life is traumatic and you could be speaking directly to that. But instead they take this biblical like text route, which then they talk about stuff that and they're not making it applicable to the parishioners who are going there. And so fucking doing Latin. Yeah. Out of a sense of duty now and not you could be really getting something out of instead of getting the real story of Christianity. You have to almost go outside of the faith. Yeah.

the internet and get, you know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. No, I mean, I know. And that's, and that's going back to the earlier point of like, you, you're jealous of like the, and that's why I was saying like when you see it in mosques and you see it with other religions where it's like, yeah, it's about the community as much as it is like the teachings. And I think that's fucking, that's that key. Like the thing that would get me back into church would be if like, you know, I want,

like if I have kids or my brother or like, you know, I have nephews or like close family friends have children where it's like, I want them connected to Greek culture. I want them connected to what it is. And the church is just such a hub for that. And there is statistically something where it's like, you see it where it's like the first generation treat

is very, very religious, right? The first generation of immigrants. Then the second generation is the one that kind of goes off. Right. And then the third generation, when they're seeking to reconnect, you do see a lot of like moving back to, you know, second generation is a suburbs kind of American consumerism, not religious. Yeah. And then the third generation, about a nice percentage of them want to reconnect to their roots and they move back into the cities. They move back in, you know, they become like religious not for, uh,

the religion aspect before the community. And I could totally see that happening. But again, I don't know. That's the nice thing. Greek people don't really give a fuck about the actual church part. They just like... The community is good. The party, the partying, the having a good time, you know? Like Greek baptisms, Greek weddings, all that kind of stuff is super fun. That stuff gets kind of bashed now or is given like...

not no value it's like it does have a lot of value for sure it's more important than the teachings in my opinion it's like this feeling of togetherness and just fucking hanging and actually being a good person when you know yeah yeah not for show in this social right right right right you're not getting credit you're just helping your fellow man of course when nobody sees it of course like that's not really yeah i mean it's happening i'm sure it's happening but it's like it that's not it seems like everybody's like doing it

Of course, of course. No, no, it fucking sucks dick. I'm with you. But was there like a big bunch of Italians in Youngstown or was it just your family? Yeah, no, family, Italians, and yeah. And your mom... People get shocked. They go, there's Italians in Ohio? I'm like, it's a steel town, so there was a lot of Italians there. Right, right, right. Leftover. Yeah. After the fucking, after the industry left. Yeah, after the industry left, the workers, a lot of the workers were Italian. Yeah.

Oh, interesting. So like your great-grandparents, I guess, came from Italy to Ohio? Yeah, well, it's just how they come over. It's like wherever there's relatives in the U.S., that's where the other people settle. Right, right, right. So we had relatives in Cleveland. So one guy went to Cleveland. And my great-grandfather was a musician over in Italy and came over in Youngstown, like my father's people. To play the mandolin? Yeah.

Play the trumpet. Yeah, we need someone to fucking entertain these steel boys. Play the bugle. That was a real instrument back then.

then that's awesome no but he and then he passed away then my grandfather you know yeah the traditional um story but youngstown but uh i went to high school in boca boca was great hell yeah great group of people like i think ibm was there at the time it's like middle class yeah just i mean boca is a rich place but uh we had a great like high school group of people so you went from just being a midwest guy were you a beach were you a beach babe we go to the beach and i had like

Like, my hair was like, would, because my hair would grow out. Nice. Got the Italian fro going. Got the Italian fro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like my mother would never cut my, you know, back then, if you didn't have any money. So you relied on your parents to get your hair cut. They would just let it grow out. I'd be like, can I please have a haircut? That's awesome, dude. It's so cute. It's like, who? Like a dog. I bet you were a piece of ass back then, though. You were wrestling, right? I was wrestling, but I had to work. I was an athlete, but I had a...

I wasn't like a natural athlete. I didn't work. Okay. You know what I mean? Interesting. Cause how old do you know? 50. 50. But you look great, dude. You look great. Cause I, because I, uh,

Just work out. Yeah, yeah. But it's like, make sure I work out, make sure I eat right, I don't drink anymore. Yeah. You know what I mean? You have a smoothie every day, right? Smoothie every day, dog. I know, I remember, I remember. When I was getting into my smoothie, when I was getting into my smoothies, and I have a smoothie now because I eat such dog shit that I need, like, the smoothie is like, comes in and just like, pop!

clears out my asshole where it's like because the kebabs will stick around but you need like a fucking green I put an entire bag of spinach in a blender with like you know some berries some high fiber shit and it just like rockets through my ass and it's a good I did it before I came here it's a good thing thank you for having a clean ass when you came into the pod I have

Full lemon. Yeah. And they're like a lemon rehydrates you. I love the lemon. Celery. Cucumber. You go all green. All green. And then I chug it down and it's like, it sets the tone for, you don't really have the desire to eat unhealthy for the rest of the day. Yeah. It's weird how they...

- Give us that thing where it's like-- - No, for sure, when I have a smoothie, the whole rest of my day is so much better, but sometimes I'm like, oh, maybe I'll start with a bacon, egg, and cheese. And I know my entire, the tone is set there, and it's chemical, it's not just, it's definitely partially psychological, but it is chemical where if I have that smoothie, I feel awesome.

I'm about to have one after this pod. Well, when they have a, do you ever see that thing where they needed a bear on set for some kind of a shoot? And in order to assure that the bear wouldn't attack a person, they just raised the bear on vegetables. Wow. They didn't give the bear any meat so that it was interacting with a person. It didn't have that, it didn't, you know, have that thing to attack. They can't just do that? They never got a taste for meat. Even salmon wouldn't do that?

I don't know if they gave it, I think it was a vegetarian bear. Wow. What if it got one person like kind of has a paper cut and the bear gets a little blood on his lips and it's like, oh my God. That's called a cheat day. This is so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We toss him a PA every two months. You know? Cheat day for the bear. It's a cheat day for the bear, yeah.

But that's awesome, dude. Because also being fit. Because again, I just think of you. That's the fun thing about. Now it's not even like, I want to be strong and all this stuff. But it's like, I just want to feel good every day. That's all the drinking thing. It's like, people who drink, I'm all good with it. I get it. I did for years. I loved drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, because you remember. Whatever. We would drink. When you start doing comedy, it's to get drinks. Yes.

That's the only way you're paid. Yeah. Your whole life is doing comedy for free booze. Right. And hopefully a lady will suck your dick that was at the show. And these atrocious shows. And it's all, but it's all hanging out. It's all there hanging out for hours. It's awesome. I don't know how it is now, like guys starting now. Yeah. They could TikTok their way into people's lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like back then when there was none of this, it was like you had to be there for the night. Oh, you comics are missing being at one of the worst seafood restaurants in the world for four hours after you and your friends all just did

C-minus on stage, but you're convinced you're going to be on SNL next week. That was the best time. Those were the best times of my life where you're delusional. You think like, that was pretty good. You ate it. If you were to see the tape of you from then, you'd be mortified. Right. But like, yeah, new comics will never get that. And then hopefully a single mother whose own mother is watching her son that night decides she wants to suck you off in her Corolla. Yeah.

Those were the best nights of my life, dude. Like, even now, so much cooler shit is... You know, I'll do a theater show. I'll fucking... I'm staying in awesome hotels. My best friend's on the road with me. I might get a little nice top-shelf pussy pie from here and there, but it doesn't mean as much. You didn't earn it the way... You know what I mean? Like, now it's like...

Once you get even a little famous, it's pretty easy to fuck. But back then, I'm in my mother's home. I'm sharing a wall with my grandmother. You know what I mean? I am only earning based off of being entertaining. That's so great. In a vacuum. No one knows who the fuck I am. Listen.

This lady didn't know who I am. You had to eat what you kill. Eat what you kill, dude. And you know what? That fucking rancid squirrel meat that I was eating in Baltimore tastes a lot better than the fucking ribeyes that I'm getting. I'm in my lion enclosure now. And I'm getting Kobe beef given to me. And I'm like, this is pretty good. It's not as good as last week's Kobe beef. But when I was eating fucking rats that my own fucking fangs kill, you crush the life out of, that was the best time of my life, dude. That was great. Yeah.

That was great. But that must have been awesome because, again, I think of you as... That's the fun thing about comedy. It's like you can have friends where you have generational differences, but it doesn't come up because so much of our lives are the same things we care about. But it's interesting to think about, like, you're 50. That's like a completely different... When you're starting to try... When you're starting comedy, and also more importantly, just as a human being, starting to try and, like, get girls' attention, you're trying...

You must have had to use old school methods to get pussy. There was no apps. There was no way to get pussy off the internet back then. I thought that was better, actually. It is better, yeah. I didn't like the apps now. You're in Youngstown or in Boca? Where's your pussy getting career started? No, no. I was in a relationship with a girl in college. I moved to Philadelphia with her. Wow. Where'd you go to college? My immediate family was in Boca. So you only spent high school in Boca? Yeah.

I was in Youngstown first, then Boca, then I moved back to Youngstown, then back to Boca. Oh, wow. Just back and forth. Finished high school. Just couldn't quit Youngstown. Couldn't quit it. Something about that. The charm of the town. But it was a blessing because in Ohio, I learned to wrestle in like eighth and ninth grade. And then I took it down to Florida and wrestled there. Now, is the moving around, did your parents get divorced or no? No, it was because of my father had a family business in Ohio and would have fallings out with his father.

So he'd be like, fuck it, we're moving. And then we'd move to Boca. And then it's like, you know what? We're going to give it another try. We move back. And he's like, we're moving again. It's like we move back. Vincenzo, you snake. Classic not being able to get along with each other. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. But I went to Penn State University and moved to Philly for a girl. And then we broke up and I was just by myself. In Philly. In Philly. And then I started, I was getting a master's in special education to teach. Oh, shit.

And at night, and I already had a bachelor's degree. And then, yeah, I started dating. And then I started doing stand-up. And then I was like, oh, this might be something. I wasn't funny right away. So I was like, but this is going to help me with public speaking. Maybe I'll be a principal someday or a superintendent. This will help me for my job. This will help me for my job. Just talking to a room full of retards every night. Getting a bunch of drunk Philly morons to listen to my jokes. Yeah.

Yeah, dude, doing stand-up, doing open mic comedy in Philly, I would rather teach a special ed class than be an open mic-er in Philly doing like a midnight show. Yeah. These jokes suck. Talk about hitting your wife.

That's awesome. So then I moved. After about three, three and a half years, I moved to New York. I'm like, let me give this an honest try. I'll either succeed and be a big star like what you were saying. Of course. Or it's like I'll fail, bottom out, and then I'll just be in New York. I'll figure out a job in New York. I'll be in a good place. Join the unions. I didn't realize that it would be this in-between thing where it's like, oh, there'll be some wins along the way. And a lot of losses. And then you'll just keep losses and wins. And you get...

This, Tonight Show here, Conan here, The Last... You know what I mean? It's like you'll have enough stuff to keep you in it. Yeah, just enough to tantalize you. It's really an abusive relationship. That's really what it is. It's like, you're broke for six months. You're a grown man with a roommate living under a train. But hey, Jimmy Fallon said you're funny. You know what I mean? That's like, I love you, baby. That was a mistake. I'm sorry. I'm going to take you dancing. Yeah, yeah.

It's always flowers and dancing. Come on, we're moving back to Boca. I'm done with my uncle. I'll take you to the beach. Mikey, can he grow his fro out?

I love the idea of you, though, because there's so many different interesting parts of your life where it's like... And you wrestled at Penn State, right? I wrestled at Penn State for one year. After that one year, I mean, it was so much work. And that was insane. It was insanely difficult. That's one of the top wrestling programs in the country. I mean, now it's like they're winning at a... They've won 10 out of 12 national titles. Insane. But when I was there, it was like we were third in the country. Wow. Yeah, it was very intense. It's like sometimes...

three practices a day. And it's just, after that first year, I was like, I don't, I can't do this again. I was, I can't do this again, man. I can't do it. Did it feel good to quit? Yeah.

I never quit anything in my life before that. And when I did it, I was like, I really did feel, because I worked very hard and the coaches could see that. Of course. But it's like, I was never going to really start. You're bumping up against your like, your natural ability. I mean, you're all Americans all up and down the lineup. And I could have just stayed on the team and been like a workout guy. Yeah. But it's like all that energy into that. Like you couldn't even, I couldn't even really enjoy my college experience. Yeah. I felt like,

But it was a really good experience. I realized people, you know, because you think you're working hard and it's like, oh, no, no, this is another level of working hard that people just do. And that must have been kind of cool to be at the highest levels of something. It was unreal. Some of the guys, like, I mean, I was just...

I play second in the state in Florida, so I was good for my area. But up there, it was like he had three and four times state champs from other areas. Oh, Florida boy, bam! They're doing fake wrestling moves. You're so bad, they're stone cold stunning you. Like in a real match, you're getting rock bottoms. Some guy's making you tap with a figure four. How about a regular person in Pennsylvania could beat me? Ha ha ha!

A regular person who never wrestled just by being in Pennsylvania could beat a guy who placed in Florida. Now, were you around when Sandusky was fucking kids? I was there when it was being kept a secret. And then when I quit... So you're in the same athletic facilities and kids' children are getting molested in there.

Now, in my defense, we, after I quit wrestling, I was working as a waiter and we do banquets sometimes and we did a wedding and Paterno and Sandusky were both at the wedding. Wow. Yeah, I remember them being there. I remember seeing both of them like, wow, these guys are the guys. Why does Jerry Sandusky's date a 12-year-old black boy? Wow.

Why did he put a middle schooler in a dress? That's kind of odd. But that guy could really coach a defense. He could. In his defense. In his defense. He's not called linebacker you for nothing. Yeah.

But I mean, even in wrestling, like I lived with guys who, the guys who were wrestling my sophomore, the years afterwards. And I just had great friendships with them. So it was awesome. It was not, and, and it was a great experience doing it, but I really enjoyed the rest of my college. Yeah. That's kind of nice too. Cause you're like, wow. I mean, look, we're big quitters at the start and stop his world.

Nothing feels as good as quitting something that sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that is hard work. Even if it's rewarding, it's like, yeah, but it's also... I remember quitting lacrosse in high school and my coach calling me and he was like, this is important for the rest of your life. If you quit this, you're going to quit everything. I was like, yeah, no, I get that. But, you know...

I just don't want to do it. He tried to give me the hard sell, and it was like, dude, I don't give a fuck. You're wasting your whatever Bobby Knight motivational book you just read about I'm going to light a fire under that kid. And I was like, literally, truly what happened is my mom bought me that year's NBA Live that day when I was considering quitting or not. And the coach called me, and he's talking to me. I am literally looking at like, it must have been 2006, right?

I'm literally looking at like Vince Carter, like the new package and I'm like, should I go to practice or should I play this game right now? And that was the nail in the... Sometimes I think it was divine because my mom never just randomly bought me video games. Yeah.

But she just... And whenever she did, she would get it wrong. You know, like you would want Mario and she'd be like, here's Luigi's Mansion. And it's like, I asked for Mario. Like, this is a cool game, I guess, but it's not what I wanted. But she literally picked exactly the game I wanted on the day I was considering quitting lacrosse. And I was like, this is a sign. I have to play video games. And he wouldn't even...

The best part is I was such a worm that I wouldn't even like... He was trying to make me take responsibility. If I was going to quit, I was going to quit. I was like, not only was I not...

won over by his pitch but I blamed my mother who had just given me a video game I was like yeah my mom just wants me to focus on grades right now I threw my beautiful mother who got me a gift that day under the bus because that's how not only did I not not quit I weaseled out of I wouldn't even face the reasons and you know what that coach was wrong yeah

I quit, one of the best things I ever did. I have a lot of basketball knowledge now. You know, I made great friendships with Sam Murill over there. Like, it's literally... Being a basketball fan helped my career more than playing fucking... Being second string lacrosse in Baltimore City Public School League ever would have. So kids quit. Yeah, but that's one of those things too. It's like not...

I was never going to start. You know what I mean? Maybe my fifth year senior, I could have got something, whatever, if I would have developed, whatever. But it's just the road was so...

I was just tired of cutting weight. And I was like, but you really are right. What a sense of relief. And I got to keep those friendships. And I was grateful for the experience. But I kept the weight off because I was in good shape. Kept the weight off. I just got a membership to a gym. I worked out religiously three days a week. And I got to like, I tell you what, the next year after I quit, I felt like I was on steroids. Because I wasn't so run down from the practice and the work schedule that I was just like,

I was like enjoying my, I was like, I can't believe I get to enjoy my life like this. You know how much, and then you think about your teammates and how much their lives suck. Yes. And you're ripped. That must have been, that must have been, your penis must have never worked better than that year. Because it's like, it's not tired. You're in tip-top shape. Tip-top shape. You're 20 years old probably. Yeah, 20 years old. I felt like so good every day because I wasn't getting run down. That's awesome. I'd go to my classes. I got a job. I was like, it was great. That's awesome, dude. And then I love the idea of you being a jacked.

special ed teacher in Philadelphia. Did you do that? Did you ever do it or did you just went to school for it? No, I did do it. I worked in a behavioral school for three years and then I went back. I was like, because I had a criminal justice degree, which you can get online now, by the way. It's like I talked to somebody in Wisconsin. They just gave you, you got, it's like at a barber, if you get that haircut six times in a row, they give you a criminal justice degree. You punch it and you're like...

You're almost a sheriff. You can either get it online or just get that haircut eight times in a row. That's so great. That's great. My argument is I got an administration of justice degree during those Sandusky years. They should pull my degree for not sniffing that out. You know what I mean? You're bench pressing in that same facility while he's literally downstairs. He's fucking a kid in the showers and you didn't have the clues.

Oh, in my defense, it was different. The football was different. We were in basketball and volleyball. Oh, so you're good. So we had a different building. Yeah, yeah. We weren't anywhere close to them. Yeah. So we were not close to the abuse. But as an administration of justice, they should pull my degree. I think so. For not being able to solve that. Yeah. But no, I worked in...

What I was going to say was I worked comedy on state, which is a great club. Great club. Great club. Love them. Shout out to the Parrish family. Yeah. Greek owned. Yeah, it is Greek owned. Shout out to Eve. They're awesome. They're the best, yeah. So this kid had a film degree. And it's like, wow. And we were laughing about it because it's like, that's kind of a useless. Yeah.

thing now it's like with the phones you learn to shoot everything on 8mm which is irrelevant now in film yeah it's like all that money on that degree which is largely irrelevant now I mean yeah at least I would say a film degree is better than a criminal justice degree because it's like I mean in film you could at least like study film criminal justice what do they teach you to get away with domestic abuse is that like one of those things it's like make her say she fell laughing

Well, I mean, if you're not going to be in the field, what are the jobs? It's like, I enjoy the coursework, but it's like, you could be a parole officer. You could be a probation officer. You could be a cop. You can go to law school. It's like, there's just only a certain number. And then I didn't want to do any of that. And they were like, well, you can get a master's. It's like, well, if I can't get a job as a bachelor's, what am I going to do with this as a master's? So I started working with

adjudicated kids which was no money it was poor money and again going back to our thing about like if they should pay those people so much more and it's like then you would get smart people who want to make a difference but if you can't feed your family like I mean good for us we got your comedy out of it but you know in the grand scheme of things the world would be better I think about that too where it's like

If they... I thought about working in, like, non-profits, and I did for a year while I was starting comedy. But I was like, well, this... I like this work, but it doesn't pay anything, and I love stand-up. Right. And so maybe... Like, the world would be a better place if I didn't do comedy and I just ran a good non-profit. And the world would be better if you were a... If you worked with, like, you know, kids who needed it. Right. But...

man, what do you want to do? He knows we wanted an easier life. The systems also are not, for these kids who are on the severe end of this, they're not really meeting their needs. It's because, you know, everybody needs to be politically correct and no one wants to feel like any kind of way. But it's like they're not really, if a severe kid needs severe treatment,

facilities yeah and they need to be dealt with in that way so if you need to restrain you need to it's like yeah yeah there's this whole like thing where it's like ah we want to it's like we want to dance around the issues like no no these kids are severe and you need to yeah help severe measures need to be yeah yeah yeah so i don't think that the system is and it's also a money thing too it's like of course public schools like if you have a kid that you need to farm out to uh

a facility that costs a lot of money. So it's beneficial for them to keep them in the classroom, even if they're not benefiting from it. Right, right, right. So it's like a whole thing. It's money and then, you know, parents. So you're pretty disillusioned. Like, you wanted to make a difference...

Well, I worked in a behavioral school for a while and that was very difficult. And then I worked in three different public schools. I worked in the city school. I worked in a working class suburb. And then I worked in a wealthy and different challenges for each. But it's like a lot of the parents of these kids are like... In the wealthy school, you didn't have the right candy for them. That was the big challenge. I hate wreathies. My...

It's one of those where it's like, my kid is allergic to everything. I don't know what we're doing here. What are we doing? They don't want to discipline them. It's like, you got to discipline them. So it's that and then the parents having control, having too much kind of input in terms of what's going on, the administration not holding to standards because it doesn't benefit them. It's like, they're going to get sued.

So, and then they're holding to these standards and where's the, no one sees it. They just, you know, the kids are educated better. So the administration, a lot of time, if the parents complain, they just cater to them. Of course. And it's like, why did I go to six years? Why do I have a master's in this? I'm just going to be told by a dipshit parent what to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can tell this was 20 years ago and you're still pissed. I think about it when I work. Yeah.

No, Starburst, I lived with Soder. Yeah, of course. And I would be going to work out, and I'd be leaving to go work out, and he would look at me and go, it looks like you, because I would have a bag to go work out with my gear, and he would go, it looks like you have a picture of your enemy. Just tack it up. Just, I'm coming for you, cocksucker. The guy who kidnapped your sister. Yeah.

I love that apartment because it was like, I would hang out there a lot, but I would also hang out there a lot when you were, cause you know, you'd be on the road a lot. Cause you know, both you and Soder and the times where it was just me and Dan hanging out, it really felt like, cause like he was wanting to be respectful of those weed smoking policy. And it felt like we would like literally be in his room.

Like, it felt like, all right, we'll smoke weed because my dad's away, but it can't be in the living room. And we would just go and we would just hit a fucking bowl and smoke, like blow it out his window. His back window. That's so great. He's like, dude, Mike doesn't like it. It's like, you're both successful comics. Ha ha ha.

Like, Dan is on Showtime. And he's smoking weed clandestinely out of his back room. And then we were playing, like, the Freddy vs. Jason Xbox game. Oh, my God. It was fucking hilarious, dude. It was so awesome. That's so funny. We had a bump in our floor. We had the water, the pipe broke, and it flooded our kitchen, which was part of the whole... The kitchen wasn't separate. Yes, yes, of course. And it soaked into the floor, and the floor...

warped into a speed bump. Yes. I remember the speed bump. We had it for eight years. He just had it. The landlord was like, ow. He never fixed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would mention it. Yeah. And he would go, I don't know. Yeah, but he also never raised rent once, right? He never raised the rent. That's awesome. Yeah, it was great. And he never fixed anything.

Never raised the rent. That's the rub, though. It's like every year, that $200 you could be raising the rent, you should just apply that to all the shit that's broken. Yeah. And I'm sure when we left, he gutted the place. You know what I mean? Like gutted the place and then raised it. And now he's going to raise the rent. Dude, I walk by there because I go to the... We were just there because my brothers were visiting on Greek Independence Day. And we went to the Greek...

We had all these Greek treats. We had like a Greek. We saw John Wick 4 had Greek food and then went to the place for dessert afterwards. And we were just like, I was like, there's their old place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had fond memory when I first come. You guys were awesome when I first moved and I didn't know anyone and I would just hang out there. Yeah, yeah. But I love it because you have a, you clearly have a nice background. This is perfect for our callers. Special ed degree. Yeah. You know what I mean? An athlete. Yeah.

a lot Italian, you know, which cancels out the special ed degree, I think. That brings you back to zero perfectly. But you're doing math. You're clearly a man of great experience here. So we can help all our callers. So why don't we take some calls? And of course, guys, we're going to remind you, go watch the special on YouTube right now, The Attractives.

Can I do social media also? Of course, yeah. At ComicMikeV. ComicMikeV. On all social media platforms, at ComicMikeV. Go see our boy live. Truly a fucking great comic. One of my favorites. And as well, call us, 904-800-STAV, if you want us to answer future questions. So go ahead, LD. Play us our first call. Hey, what's up, man? Dumbass. Didn't work. You fucking idiot. Every time. Yeah.

Hey, what's up, S-Man? Yeah, I'd like your advice because I'm seeing this girl. She's pretty hot, redhead. Nice. But she's got, like, she's got a thing with her tits. They're really nice, but she's got, like, those nipple hairs. And they're not, like, I don't know. They're not, like, short ones, man. They're, like, long. I just don't know how to tell her to, like, you know, take care of it. Anyways...

Yeah, give me a call or something. Whatever you got to do. Give you a call? 971. You think I'm going to call? Hey, bud. Heard your voicemail. I also love this because it's like, what, you've never seen the show? You think I call you? Okay. This is great. So she's got hair. And I've definitely come across a nipple hair here or there. But I'm trying to think. See, I came across it once when I was...

I was like hooking up with this girl and she was very fair skinned. Right. She had dark hair. So the nipple hair stood out so much. She had like the, you know, this alabaster skin and she had like dark, dark black hair. So she kind of would see it. Yeah. And like pluck, pluck that bad boy. Right.

Now, you know, how long are we talking here? What's the really good thing? How many? How many? If we're talking about one or two here or there, you've definitely seen those. They come around. And in my estimation...

That's a good sign, I think, hormonally. I will tell you, I was just thinking about this. If you see someone who has like, if you see a girl who's got that tiny mustache that you can't really see to the naked eye, but it's got those like little hairs and then maybe like a happy, like a tiny little happy trail, you're in for some of the wettest pussy of your life right there. That's what I, some of the best things

Something's going on there where it's like the hormones are just right. Those are... That's like caveman pussy when it was like, we got to get this... We got to get this shit real wet. Because we got... You know, there's woolly mammoths around the corner. We got to bust... This nut has to come fast. So I think hormonally, this is a good sign. You see a little hair on a woman that you don't see normally. Now...

Yeah, is it like how many of them? How do you tell her? Redhead's interesting. Redhead is interesting. Because they're fair hairs. You're going to see it. You're going to see it. She probably has lighter, really white skin, I'm guessing. And then the red hair stands out. Well, see, I don't know if it's that. Because I was going to say, because sometimes a redheaded girl will have like that face.

Kind of a similar mustache thing, but the hairs are so light that you don't see it from the naked eye. So I'm thinking maybe this is more of a when they're in your mouth or you're real close, you notice them and they're tiny hairs. Now, I would say an easy utilitarian approach here, if she's got gray titties and you're in there all the time,

You're going to have to bite her hairs off. I think that's the quickest way. I think that's what I was actually going to say. I think that's it. And keep them as trophies. Yeah.

I'm sorry to take this serial killer-wise, but keep them as trophies. Like, practice biting your arm hair off. It's possible. You can do it gently. Yeah, you can do it gently. And it'll give her maybe the message. It'll send her the message. And even if you don't do it gently, it's like, you know, you're just like... She's like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see your... Maybe tell her to lay off the test. Yeah. Yeah, she jacked.

So I would say, yeah, get bite a titty hair off. That's the easiest way. You know, otherwise bringing it up to her. Yeah. Kind of a, you know, that's a good way to bring it up. Yeah. It's like, what are you doing? It's a nice icebreaker. Yeah. Yeah. Or you're like, start coughing and you're like, what happened? It's like, I think I got a titty hair. Yeah. Yeah. I'm dying. Pluck those, tweeze those out. Yeah. You Neanderthal.

And the red hairs are spicier. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, 100%.

So, yeah, buddy, I would say that's my advice to you. Just bite the titty hairs off. And she's got nice titties, and, you know, you could bring it up. If it doesn't bother her, you might just be sucking on some hairy titties every once in a while. They're not short, but they're not long, but they're not short either. Interesting. It's tough because if he brings it up, this is like a lifelong maintenance thing that she's got to think about the entire time. 12.

Tweezing a titty hair every once in a while is not a big deal. I know, but still. It sounds like she's not conscious of it. Right. Maybe you're bringing euphobia into her. Yeah. I would say bite the titty hairs and see where it takes you. Where do you bring it up? At Wendy's? Yeah. Oh, that reminds me.

I brought you here to have a talk. You see how Wendy's hair, how she braids them? We're almost going to be able to do that to your tits if you don't start tweezing soon. You're going to have pigtails on either side of your breasts, you hirsute bitch. Yeah, just leave them and braid them. Yeah, buddy. So look, bite them and then call us back. Let us know how it went.

Here's another one, Big Eldy. Hey, Stavi. Love you. Love the show. Skip Eldis is not getting to figure out the audio. He already fucked it up. All right. Headline is, have you ever had experience with a girl who is shy about getting her pussy eaten? I've been with my girl for a long time, like seven years now. Seven? She was never with a bunch of guys before me. I only fucked a couple times before I got with her. Nice. And fucking, she's shy about getting her pussy eaten. I want to rock the world. I haven't eaten a lot of pussy.

What do you have to say? I know that you're the pussy eating rascal. That's true. I figured, you know, get some advice from the best. Come to Iowa. Get sucked off by some college students or a divorce. Love you. Love the show. Bye. I'm open to both demographics. Okay. Wow. Okay. Shot seven years now and she's shy about getting her pussy eaten. You guys got to fuck. You got to get in there, dude. This is crazy. I

I get it. I mean, I've kind of experienced that. Like, as I get into my 30s, girls in their 30s don't get it. That shyness is gone. That's like a young woman's thing where they're, like, self-conscious. They're like, oh, does it smell? Does it taste bad? Whatever. But then you just got to be like, shut the hell up. I'm going to town on this clam. I find when I take that approach, it's hot to them. Or a girl will be like, I haven't showered. And it's like...

Yeah. I'm about to eat some fucking pussy here. I'm going, I'm putting my smock on. I'm getting in there. I'm putting my goggles on. I'm ready to go. Yeah. You know, I'm getting in there in a major way. She goes, I haven't showered. And you just whisper. Yeah. Yeah. Good. I like it better. I like it gaming. Yeah.

Like venison. So I would say, yes, exactly. There is a possibility that this is like some kind of, you know, made to feel bad about their bodies thing that a lot of women go through where they... So if you have to, I think I've also found sometimes you can warm them up by eating pussy right out of the shower. So maybe they're a little less self-conscious if that's the root of it.

it. I thought you were going to say take him to dinner first. But I guess right out of the shower is fresh. It's seven years. Come on, what are we talking about here? Your common law married at this point. Seven years. So yeah, dude, I think you're going to have to... I would say maybe...

Talk about I mean, this is seven years, bro. You can have these conversations Yeah, you could at the root of most of these questions. It kind of comes down to have a bit of an awkward conversation That'll open everything else up and look you guys have been together for a while and here's the secret You don't have these sex conversations like before or after sex you haven't been completely non-sexual environments where you can kind of talk about it clinically not even clinically but just like

Without the specter of actually being horny around, just like, hey, what is this about? So you're saying, out of Bennigan's. Yeah, take her to dinner. Out of Bennigan's. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is the fanciest restaurant in Youngstown. That's where Mike's mind goes. That's our five star. So yeah, I would say have the conversation. And my guess would be, so three prongs of advice. Have the convo for sure. See what's up.

If it happens to be like a self-conscious about her pussy thing out of the shower. So she has less to worry about. And as you get better eating pussy, I think like I think and as you do it more, maybe she enjoys yourself more. She'll probably get less and less self-conscious. Third, I would say just kind of be like, I don't care and eat some pussy animalistically, which I think is a turn. I've had it.

No one's ever been mad, right? Because when they're self-conscious about it and you're like, I don't give a fuck, let me show you how much I don't give a fuck, and then you go Tasmanian devil on the pussy. You're like... A fucking tornado. You turn into a tornado around her pussy and she's like... She pops out just busted with her fucking tits all sweaty and hair matted to the side. That's good. I think you go that way. And actually, there's a fourth option here where some people...

And this is hard for me to say, don't like getting head. Okay. And that I don't understand it. It's not my values. Right. But in the spirit of tolerance, if she's one of these people that straight up doesn't like getting head, you know, you might just have to live with that. That sounds horrible to me. That sounds crazy. But.

That truly exists. And I mean, when you strip down the layers and you have the conversation, it gets down to it. Like, I have male friends who are like, I'd rather have sex than get my dick sucked. And I've heard girls say that too. Maybe you got one of those, pal. I don't know. But I like a weather system thing where you give her the options. Like, do you want a Category 5 or a Category 2?

Okay, because we have a high pressure system. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I hate to say this, it could be a skill issue. I don't really know how to tell you to get better at even pushing. I check in maybe.

Rate review? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get some feedback. Get some feedback, yeah. I must say, look, this is kind of like, why don't star players become coaches? They're like, Michael Jordan could never be a coach because he just doesn't have the patience to walk through an average basketball player through, because he gets it. Yes. I have to say, I'm a little bit of that when it comes to eating pussy. I can't sit here and hold your hand. I was a phenom.

Coming out of college, I was making all-star games. Even when I was not a comedian at all and I was in college, truly my college girlfriend, she wanted to take things slow. And she was like, okay, you know,

uh maybe you can go down on me now and literally the first time i ever ate pussy she was like you know what maybe we should just have sex like i i gotta i gotta give myself a little credit the first time straight into eating pussy i convinced the girl to let go of like whatever catholic guilt she had and let me get pussy right then and there due to my debut my rookie performance i put up 36 assists um she busted it was pretty cool honestly um

So I don't know. I can't tell. All I can tell you is eat pussy with fervor like you're having a good time. Enjoy yourself. It'll come through. And, you know...

And also be mindful of tempos. I have some... Most girls, like, in my opinion, you go at the pussy fast. But there's a small percentage, I would say 10%, that, like, a real slow pussy eat. So... And this is your wife or common-law marriage here. So, you know, you're going to have to figure that out, pal. But, Eldest, do you want to chime in? Yeah, I want to say, too, like, I feel like sometimes when girls don't like getting their pussy eaten, it's like...

I think sometimes it really is just like not even a self-conscious thing, but they don't know how to like sit back and relax. Right. Maybe it's because society is always like their job is to please. Yeah. Right. So I think I think like for him, I would even just be like, hey, I really want to eat your pussy. I think it's fucking awesome. And it makes me horny as fuck. Right. That's great. And it'll it'll very good. It'll make me really horny if I just eat your pussy. Right. You got to taste that pussy and then. Yeah. OK, relax. Good.

You didn't have to say, I gotta taste that pussy. You can keep your sexting lingo out of the fucking discussion we're having right now.

But yes, Eldest, despite his somehow saying the most vulgar thing in this hour and a half podcast, he just came right off the top rope and made me uncomfortable. I don't know how you guys felt. Mike is squirming in his fucking... I felt awesome. Yeah, your dick is hard right now. That's why. You're sending your girlfriend pictures of your dick as we speak.

But yeah, that is a very good point, though, Eldis. There is some good insight there. That's a definite possibility. So, Godspeed, my friend. Let us know how your pussy-eating adventures go. And we do want to say we are staunchly pro-pussy-eating and head in general here at Stobby's World. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. Next question, Eldi. Hey, Stobby. So I've got this...

This friend, me, him, and our other friend, Kev, we were all kind of hanging out. We had a Lord of the Rings marathon. We were drinking a lot. Pretty fucked up, but having a good time. And this friend, the other friend, his name is Drew, he kind of started...

to us and telling us about this his family and how his father used to beat him or not him, used to beat his brother and used to verbally abuse his other brother. He's got three brothers and

And that Drew would walk in on his father sort of hitting one of his other brothers. And would constantly just berate them. He went on for like 20 minutes, just all this detail, all these past stories of the father beating his brothers. Can you pause for a second, Alex? It was very emotional. Now we're going to get to the rest of this call because it seems important, but...

Let's get brief, folks. We don't need to hear how much the guy beat them for 35 seconds. That could be 10 seconds. Let's try and honor the under one minute rule from now on. And part of this is Eldis' fault for his continued rewarding of the long-winded. But that's never going to end. So just a general note, let's work on brevity. We get it. The guy got the shit kicked out of him by his dad.

Go on Elvis. You know, I think Kevin and I were tearing up. Drew was crying as well, just sort of telling us all this. And then around the 20 minute mark, he kind of just stopped and looked at us and said that all of it was a joke and that he was just, it was all just a troll. And, um,

Yeah, and then we kind of lost it. So my question is, what do you think the right reaction is? Would you ever make a joke like that? Would you troll one of your friends for 20 minutes like that and get them to empathize with you? Because we were pissed.

Kev almost attacked Drew. I almost attacked him myself. We had to go cool off for a bit. Relationship was pretty strained for months. We're all okay now, but I'm just interested on what your take would have been. Would you have been able to just move on? I think it was funny that he was able to pull that off, or do you think he's a psychopath?

I mean, what are we doing here? What the fuck is that? That's crazy. It's crazy, but I think his friend should win a TikTok Academy Award for that. Oh, my God. Dude, this motherfucker has such an empty life. The only way he knows how to fucking relate to anyone is a troll. This guy sucks.

It's like, it's almost, honestly, he would be better off mentally if his father beat him and that was a true story. It would be easier to fix a guy who was abused by his father than the kind of guy that makes that up for a group of four. Yeah.

It's not even like, it's just. It literally would be a better sign if he did get beat and he was able to show that he could open up emotionally about it and be vulnerable as friends. Yeah. So there's got to be something up with this fucking guy.

I wonder if he got like cold feet and was like, oh, what am I doing? I don't want this out here. Yeah. Like, is that a possibility? Is it possible that he went back on this because he just didn't want you guys to know? Because what is the point of doing this?

If this is truly a troll and it's not anything else, this guy is a fucking psychopath. I mean, you're right. It is four people. It's not like it's like... It's four people. It's four people. Like, even if you did this on, like, YouTube or something, it would be fucked up, but I would get it. Yeah. I'd be like, all right, that sucks, but... He's doing it for the love of trolling his best friends. Oh, my God.

The right reaction would be like, what the fuck is... And also, you're fucking up an awesome day. Yeah. Everyone's hanging out watching Lord of the Rings. I blame Lord of the Rings. Aragorn's fucking slicing orc heads left and right. And he fucks the vibes up. I know. You can't rewatch Lord of the Rings that often. You probably had to wait like a year and a half, a year minimum to really be looking forward to it. And he fucked that up to tell you this weird story? Sums up with this fucking guy, dude.

I would hate that. I also wouldn't know my friends well enough to like know. That's the upside of having like friends who you've had for most of my best friends, the people that I would have this kind of thing with. Right. I've known for, I mean, I've known Eldest 20 years, 28 years. Like I've known, I've known, you know, other friends 10, 15 years, whatever. But like,

That's fucking insane, dude. Like, there's something up with that guy. Here's the thing. Well, now it's going to be weird. It's like he comes, that same friend who did that overdramatic story is going to go, my father just died. Dude, just keep it to yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the cry wolf thing. It's over, bro. Yeah. Now nothing bad can happen to this guy. 20 minutes? They were both crying. Everyone was crying? Everyone was crying. Yeah.

What the fuck? He's got to channel that into something else. Does this guy have a girlfriend, a family, a job? I don't know. He was fucking preparing a fucking dramatic monologue to make you cry during Lord of the Rings? Fuck this guy, dude. Oh my God. This guy sucks.

You should have attacked him. What the fuck? He's fucked. Dude, this sucks. Yeah, maybe. Also, how old are you? Trolling is not... Like, what are you... Did they say how old they are? I don't think he specified, but let's say, I don't know, 20s, I would assume. Mid-20s, yeah. I could see this maybe still being funny. Like, okay, as far as 24, maybe. Yeah, I mean, if you guys are real young...

There's the ironic detachment. Like, look, I'm a veteran of the irony wars, right? Like, I get it. I was on Comptown for six years. I get it, right? That's how I started my podcasting career was saying the most fucked up shit for fun because it's funny when you're in your 20s. But at the same time, if you're older than that...

And even if you're not, 20 minutes is a fucking long time. You're hearing it from someone who did find shit like this funny when I was younger. And if someone did this to me, even for this long, and it actually elicited real emotions, that's what's really dangerous here. Is that like trolling and this kind of behavior, it's an ironic detachment from real emotions. If you've gone so far that not only are you detached from real emotions, but you muster them up

only to make your friends cry, you're gone. Well, maybe his friends beat him up and then afterwards, and he's just saying he was just kidding the entire time. But after they beat him up, they go, yeah, yeah, but we were still running on that fake emotion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a dangerous game to play. So the thing is, your friend is fucked up. And if you're going to maintain a friendship, you've got to be like, hey, man, why did you do that?

And what in you? And really make him answer. And he can't be like, I thought it'd be funny because it's more than that. He was molested by a drama teacher is probably what happened. I mean, there's no way you do this and you're just a cool regular guy. There's something deep-seated and...

Yeah, this sucks. Or maybe he took an acting class and he's trying to like really see. Yeah. That would even be, that would be cool if he said that, but I don't even, that's the thing. That's what's so fucked up about this. He took an evil acting class. Yeah. Evil acting 101. Yeah, dude. So I don't think it was, I mean, I honestly, in out of context, like if that happened to me and my friends, I would not find it funny. That's the thing, man. It's like.

Because it's not a funny thing that happened to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was no comedy in getting beat by your father and watching your brothers get beat. But you know what? There's nothing funny in that. Right.

It would have been funny. There's nothing even askew in that. He took it too far. Here's what I'll say. There's nothing even askew in that where it's like, oh, I can see how this could be kind of hilarious. No, it's just straight. I do see the structure of humor in convincing your friends something bad happened to you for a little bit. Right? Like if this was...

two minutes. Yes. You know? That's funny. If you're like, my dad fucked my ass and you made me believe it for even a half a second, I'd be like, that's pretty good, dude. I honestly thought your dad fucked your ass. But if you talk in detail about how he spit in your hole and spread it apart and he fucking couldn't get hard at first so you just had to lay there on all fours knowing you're impending...

Assault is happening. That's not fun. You know what I mean? You can take the bit too far. And how do you transition from Lord of the Rings to that? Yeah. And again, in the context of ruining an awesome bro's day, that's honestly his biggest crime. Right. Whether it's doing some weird monologue, inviting your girlfriend without telling anyone, forgetting to order the Chinese food. Yeah.

not buying enough weed, only getting enough mushrooms for two guys instead of four. Anything that fucks the bros day up is a capital offense. And this is one of the worst ways to fuck it up, personally. Because it's like, you're getting older. It's hard to find time to carve out with your friends. And you fucking give up a Saturday. And this is how it ends with you wanting to fight your boy again.

That sucks. This one struck a chord with me, dude. I haven't said anything funny in a half hour, but I'm just like, this pisses me off. No, but I think you're right. The 20 minutes is the key. The 20 minutes is the key. Is the key. Because making your friends believe something horrific for two minutes is funny. Yeah. Spending this much time and effort when you could have been like, you know, I don't know, buying, you know, doing something positive. Yeah. That's the problem. We got to take this negative shit and...

Do two minutes of something negative for the bit, 18 minutes of like, hey man, I really appreciate you as a friend. You know what I mean? Like this is, this is true. I hate to be like, this is toxic. You're getting a legitimate, I'm calling something toxic out of me, which is hard for me, dude. One minute of the bit, 19 minutes of high fives. Yeah. Come on. A little ratio here. Yeah, yeah. One minute of the bit and then like, be like, and he, you know, and the worst part is he left this mark on my thigh and then you pull your balls out. Yeah.

That's awesome, dude. You just rewrote the ending. Get everyone to believe you got hurt and be like, and he took a knife to my thigh and chunk, and carved a chunk out. And then they're like, really? They're like, yeah. And then your balls come out? Come on. You're carried out on the shawl of our shoulders. You leave them wanting more. Yeah.

Classic showbiz ending. All right, we got to get off this one because I'll just, I'm trying to wrap my mind around what kind of person does this and I'll go in circles forever. Hit us with another one, Elders. Some fun. Hello, Stavi and friends. Made a call a bit before, but I got cut at work, but here I am with it. Could use your help with a bit of a mental gymnastic lately. My room's a little bit, I'm not too sure.

But I'm seeing, like, well, I saw this girl in high school, grade 12, and this probably was eight years ago. We dated, went a bit longer after school. And then years go by, we went our separate ways and never talked to. And then we already knew. You didn't work on Brevity, folks. Hanging out again, but. You're dating someone you also dated in high school. I let go of the emotions and.

Oh, he's close. But at the same time, those...

Same emotions peaked up again and... Sorry, I'm just doing the mail. Same emotions peaked up again and found myself in a dilemma of... I know she's a bit of a skank. A little loose gal, as you would say. But I'm all for it. But I don't know. It's just... This guy's awesome. Just being friends. Yeah, my dick sector just cut it off. I can see myself getting back together, but...

also enjoying being friends I don't know maybe you can help me lead me in a good direction next time no you're fucked for sure okay so what can you I got facts it's it's simple I know and you know what I know I'm talking about brevity but this is like this guy is one of the least in touch with his emotions people so this is big for him and I get that

He has to do an errand. He has to go... You know what I mean? He's walking around. He's getting the mail. He can't just admit... Here's what happened. He dated a girl in high school who he clearly had feelings for. They went their separate ways. And now, what did he say? Eight years later, whatever, eight, ten years later, they started dating casually. And he was like... And he, I guess, under the guise of...

It's going to just be casual. We're going to hook up. You know, this is fun. But all the emotions are flooding back for him. He's he's clearly he cares. He's like, I'm starting to care. You're not starting to do shit. You're in love with this. And your own words skank, which is not a problem. I'm pro. I am pro hoes.

This is a pro pussy. This is a pro slut podcast. Yeah. Best people on earth. Honestly. Okay. And anyone who says they wouldn't date someone who was like, you know, who fucked a bunch of people or who even does like, who's a sex worker. It's like, grow up. You fucking loser. They're called givers. Yeah, dude. You know what I mean? They're not self-centered. Yeah, they are. They really, truly, truly are. And they've picked up some great skills at the office. Okay. Oh, you're not going to eat Cinnabons because a chef made them for someone else. You fucking asshole. No, they,

They've made a lot of Cinnabon, so they're real delicious. Anyway, you're not in a weird mental dilemma at all here, pal. You are clearly... This is one of the simplest things of all time. You just... You basically emotionally are at the whims of this woman and you don't want to admit it. You've made up your mind. You do want to be with her, but now you're scared she's either going to say no or...

More because I'm gonna guess from your voice. You're a Canadian townie of some kind It's how you sound like you're a fucking extra on trailer park boys So it sounds like either you're afraid she'll reject you to date seriously or a kind of more sinister kind of shitty misogynistic thing you're afraid people will judge you for being with a quote again quote unquote skank right and

But what... Did he get his dick sucked? He did. He's dating her. Okay, so... But he's like, what happens if she starts seeing someone...

He asks, what happens if she starts seeing someone else? Right now, they're in that nebulous, we're dating, but nothing's been said phase. Right, right. And it's kind of like a game of Russian roulette, where it's like, who's going to die? Who's going to get killed? Until you either date or break up, it's Russian roulette. And one of you will be heartbroken. Right. You know what I mean? That's how it works. So...

Or I guess you stop the game before anyone gets shot and you're like, you know, go separate ways. The thing is, I can tell from your general, like,

Like, it's funny that someone's, like, even though we're talking on the phone, you told me this story without making eye contact. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, you're like, eyes at your shoes, can't admit this shit. You clearly, I can feel how much you care about this person. And I got news for you, pal. As hard as this phone call was, you're going to have to have another hard conversation with her and be like, hey, look, I like you. I have a good time with you. You know, I'm feeling these, I'm feeling like a connection, you know,

Do you want to give... And here's the thing that I learned in therapy is...

where if you have commitment issues, dating someone for a little bit is not getting married. You guys, you could say, if you happen to have these commitments, you could be like, hey, do you want to give this a shot for a little bit? It's just, we'll date exclusively for a while. It doesn't have to be serious, but we don't have to see other people, right? I'm not saying we're getting married, but it's like, I'd like to just focus on this relationship. I'd like to see if there's a possibility for us to date. But that's an emotional risk.

That's the thing he's afraid to take is that emotional risk. That takes balls to do that. It does. To come out and be like, this is what I think it is. Why don't you tell me? Because you got to be ready for the rejection there. Of course. So if you get hit with the, I don't think so, or the rejection and you got to be comfortable with that and you got to stay in the pocket and go, all right, we can still be like whatever. Or if you're not, if it doesn't work for you, be like, no, we can't be friends, but I respect what you said. You can't force yourself to.

feel any kind of way and then just stay in that pocket. But if you're going to throw it out there like that, I never liked the guys who have the balls to throw it out there, but if the girl respectfully goes, I'm just not interested, then they go, you're a bitch anyway. You fucking whore. You think I date you? You can't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. You got to go, all right, I respect it. We can still be friends. We can't be whatever. I threw it out there. I took a risk. But you can't be a little bitch like that.

100%. On the rejection. She's got the right to walk away. Yes, and he said, and that's perfect because you've said, in his thing he said, I feel like I'm being a little bitch here or like I don't want to be a little bitch and feel this way. That's not being a little bitch. Being a little bitch is not saying something about it. That does take more. And then being in a friend, a weird friendship place where you don't want to be. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Even if, like, that is something that happens as you get older. The friend zone, you can be in the friend zone and get pussy. Yeah.

I got rejected by a girl who like, you know, we had hooked up once and I was like, you

you know, I was like, let's just see, you know, we don't live in the same city, but it's like whenever we're in the same town, we both travel for work. Sometimes I'm there, sometimes she's here. And she was like, hey, like, and we hung out a couple times and she's like, hey, like, I like you, but it would have to be like just as friends. And in some ways it hurts more when someone who you fucked wants to just be friends. Because it's like, damn, she did give me the shot. I can't even have that loser. Well, if I had just gotten the shot, it's like, no, my dick, I guess was trash. Yeah.

And that stings. And I'm with you, buddy. As someone who just recently, like somebody that I hooked up with who I was in a weird nebulous, like semi-romantic friendship and we would hook up sometimes.

It still hurts. And obviously, I didn't think I'd end up in high school and have all the baggage you do. And I got to fuck a couple other girls right afterwards to make myself feel better. My life's better than yours. But it still hurt. I was sad for a week. So I would say that's your move, bro. You got to actually do this. Make the move. And this is what not being a bitch is. This is being a fucking man. This is being heroic, right? It's like...

You might, and he might even be scared because he sees the writing on the wall. Yeah. Where it's like, but you never know unless you try, brother. I'm telling you. And the other part of this, another running theme with this podcast is the road to a win is littered with losses. Yeah.

So you fucking take this loss, you're one step closer to a W, pal. It will make you tougher. You will be better off for it. You'll know the kind of person that you want. And even if this doesn't work out, you've recognized something in her that you feel a real connection to. And that gets you closer to finding the person that's like...

has some of those qualities, but then also the other ones that, you know, this girl might be like 60% what you want if she's not into it. It gets you closer. You have identified, well, I like this, this, and this about her, but I didn't like this, this, and this. I'm going to look for that in another person. Agreed. And you know what? Even if you take the loss in this valiant way that we're talking about, she might step back after, you know, it always takes that week, two weeks or whatever, and go, hey, this guy really, I like the way he hangs.

They're always watching too. I like the resilience. Like maybe this guy is what I need. Yeah. And then you get the call back. Absolutely. But don't give him that hope. He doesn't need that right now. He needs to know it's yes or no and move on if it's a no. He doesn't. Stay in the pocket. Mike's right, but ignore it.

Okay, that's advanced. We're in like, we're in emotions 101 right now. You're right, but that's a 300 level course. That's like, he's not ready for that level of emotional manipulation yet, you know? So yeah, and look, and it's up to you to decide whether you can still be platonic friends or whether you have to just break it off. In my personal experience, and maybe this is because I am not

I am also not emotionally developed. It's hard for me to stay friends with someone if I've had any kind of romantic connection with them. It's not impossible. I have some friends who I dated, who were still in my life. But for me, it's a thing of time. It's like people I dated so long ago that it's almost like a different person dated them. For example, this person I just discussed, I was like...

She wanted to be friends still, but I was like, look, that's just not going to work for me right now. And it's like, maybe down the road we'll be friends. Maybe down the road you'll throw me a little pussy pie again. Who knows? But either way, I know for me it wasn't right. It would just kind of make me a little sad to hang out with her now. And that's totally fine if that's what you feel like. But either way, you just have to figure it out, stick with it, and put yourself out there.

You can only, it's like, in a lot of ways, there is risk in all this shit, and I get being scared of it, but you can't let that, what scares you, control you. You got to go out and try hard, buddy. So we're rooting for you, pal. One way or another, you're going to make this happen. Yes. Is it possible to go to the bathroom? Sure. I think we're pretty close to wrapping, right, Elders? We're at 137. You want to do, can you do one quick one? Yes. Do you got to do a quick pisser? I got a quick light one. Quick light one to take us off, to play us out.

Watch the special, folks. See Mike on the road. Follow him on fucking Twitter, Instagram, the whole nine. You know what the fuck it is. Comic Mike V. Comic Mike V. The Attractives on YouTube. The Attractives on YouTube. Hit us with the final question. Hey there, Savvy, baby. So, long time ago, my ex-girlfriend was second generation Greek. Nice. And so, you know, they celebrated all of it.

had a yaya, papu, the whole nine. Nice, dude. And so they really went hard for Greek Easter. And the first time I ever went to Greek Easter at the church, you know, pay 20 bucks to get in, whatever. Cover charge? And everybody has a full plate. They're like, oh, you can go get a plate. I was like, oh, hell yeah. And everybody in front of me is getting two pieces of finicopita, you know, all the whole, whole victim. I go up there, ask for two pieces. They go, no, everybody needs to share. You get one.

Everybody else but me got two pieces of everything. And it's because I wasn't Greek. I'm fucking Irish as hell. My question for you is, do you guys ever celebrate Greek Easter? Is that a thing for you guys? Like, you know, just want to know. Anyway, thanks a bunch. Yeah, you fucking redheaded prick. You think you're coming to our fucking church and getting double spanakopita? You'll take one piece and be happy. Go back and have some fucking haggis, cocksucker, if you don't like it.

Go eat a boiled potato with two fucking little sprinkles of salt on it if you got a problem. But

But that's the same thing with you taking me and Soder to the Greek restaurant. It's like we got treated like kings when you were there. We got treated regular or less than regular when we went there. You know what I mean? That's kind of also on your girlfriend for letting... Because in any ethnic restaurant or ethnic situation, you need a guide of that. You need a Sherpa. You need a Greek Sherpa in a Greek restaurant. Like when I was... When I got Korean... I was dating a Korean girl last year. When she took me to get Korean food, it was...

Yeah. How fast they were there. And like, we go to Korean barbecue sometimes. It's like, dude, we go with like four, like four to six big motherfuckers. Half of us are fat as shit. They know we're spending a lot of money. They don't treat us good then. I go with a tiny Asian woman. Yeah. It's like the keys to the fucking. They treated you so good you guys weren't even sitting on the floor. Yeah.

Yeah, dude, they fucking, they broke out the chairs. They broke out the chairs for you. These thrones. But yeah, so that's a little bit on your girlfriend. But.

But also, yes, dude, like we were talking about it earlier in the episode. Actually, Greek Easter is the fucking best, dude. It's it's like it's our Thanksgiving. We don't have that. And it also makes a little more sense in terms of when Thanksgiving should be. Right. They kind of bang. It's kind of a gang holiday gang bang. Where's like Thursday or Thursday? November in my head just.

auto-corrected to Thursday. I don't know what the fuck happened. November kind of is the Thursday of months. It's almost the weekend, which I consider to be, I guess, December. You just got a little sneak peek into how fucking stupid I am, folks. Anyway...

It makes more sense to have Christmas and then a big spring holiday, I think, in terms of balance. Right. But Greek Easter fucking rules, dude. Even the church... Like, I don't even... Like I said, I don't go to church anymore, but Easter celebration's awesome because we literally celebrate at midnight. Like, we act like it's...

New Year's where it's like Jesus popped out of the tomb at 12.01. You know what I mean? We celebrate like, oh, he's risen. Literally, we wait till 12 and it's like, he's risen. And then we have fucking candles. People light off fireworks. It's fun as shit. It's a midnight mass. And then you go because you've been fasting all day.

restaurants are open so you go out and you just get fucking lamb chop it used to be a traditional soup you'd have like this like you know soup but it's like in Greek town it got to the point where it's like just the regular restaurants were open and serving just fucking skewers of meat which is really funny because to have it ready for midnight they're cooking it

you know, during church. So you're like at church fasting and you just, you're smelling just fucking steaks. But dude, Greek Easter fucking rules so much better than your bullshit ham Easter. We literally like are, we had, in Greek town,

We had family friends. The only rich people that I knew growing up would host this giant Easter and everybody was invited. Like everybody in the community was invited and they had this beautiful house. They were literally like four whole lambs on the spit. Yeah.

And that's the main course, but it's also like they have a grill with lamb chops. It's fucking insane. I can't wait. My dream is to... That literally means something to me. It has meaning. So I can't wait. I'm trying to buy a house in Queens with a backyard so that I can host Greek Easter for all my friends in the neighborhood. That's awesome. Where it's like I literally want to do a whole lamb on the spit. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. So you got finessed. You deserved it. It's actually your girl's fault for not guiding you through. It's your girl's fault. And clearly, he says it was in the past tense. So that relationship was never... You should have known right then and there that relationship wasn't going to work.

But anyway, that's going to do it for us. Mikey's got to piss. I got to piss. Go watch the special. Come see us on the road. Me and Elda's got to start. You know what? We're going to start doing before the show plugs so that you know where we're coming and everything like that. But we love you. Thanks for listening. And we'll be back soon. See you next time. Bye.