#103 - Colin Quinn
01:47:26 Share

So you have plans for the holiday season, but nothing to wear. Yeah, been there until I decided to step into Express, and I'm so glad I did. They had everything I could ever possibly need. The best dresses for holiday parties. I mean, check. Comfy essentials for quality couch time. Check.

The perfect tops, those blazers, the pants that I love. And for your nine to five, check, check, check. I'm telling you, this trip to Express changed my life. Getting dressed has never been easier. Look, do yourself a favor. Head to Express right now in store or just shop online at express.com.

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STAV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We're very happy to be joined today by Colin Quinn. How about a nice round of applause, Elvis, for the legend CQ on the couch. Yeah. What do you say, Colin? You said you judge everybody's opening. How did we do? I like the opening. I just hate when people have like...

like hard rock like we're still it's like your son you're not a radio for shock jock from the 90s asshole oh it makes me mad we gotta grab the attention it's all about the algorithm we're edgy it's like shut up

Just be quiet. It is funny that stand-up comedy, I remember starting it and being like, yeah, it's all about the craft. I'm just going to do my jokes. Right. And I was like, radios, you know, I used to like listening to certain shows, but I was like, those shock jocks are clowns. And then somehow, you're like, I'll be a guest on someone's podcast 10 years ago, and then...

Here we are 10 years later, and I'm like, call the number, folks, and leave us a voicemail. But that's a shock jock. I was around for the real shock jocks. Yes, yes, yes. So the shock jocks would come in, and it was really an interesting dynamic. Yeah. Because they kind of hated comedians. Of course. Except for certain ones, especially all of us who were like, we're not doing our bits for these idiots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We won't dance for you. Set us up for the bit. Yeah. So they'd be like, hey, man. And you could tell they resented because-

You know, they'd done a couple of stand-up nights with their radio and it bombed. Yes, yes, yes. So there'd be this hostility. Yes, of course. A lot of times with the jock. Yeah. Where, you know, it was like back and forth. And we all thought they had a bad attitude. We didn't know we also had a bad attitude. Of course. Oh, my God. You know, we didn't even notice that part. Yeah, you're pissed to just be awake that early. Yes. I was never good one time when they made me go. And I thank God it was dying by the time I started headlining. It was like I only had to do it a handful of times.

I did it with Bobby a couple times and I couldn't believe we were up at four. Yeah, it's crazy. It was like, what the fuck? What is this? How could this possibly help ticket sales? It didn't feel like it. But it does. But yeah, yeah. That's a weird thing. Local radio really was the only thing that worked for ticket sales.

You could do Let Him In and be like, I'll be here in Cleveland tomorrow night. It didn't mean anything. Right, right, right. But if you did local radio, it was the only thing that worked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, hopefully this helps. Yeah. Hopefully this helps. It's going to move the needle. Stamps and needle.

Stamps and tea. Stamps and tea. I'm so happy I didn't do it in the opposite direction. I almost said tea and stamps. Stamps and tea. New special on YouTube. Pause right now. Don't even watch this bullshit. Colin's got a special right now about the election. It's over now. Trump has declared martial law. By the time you're listening to this podcast, it's over.

Kamala has given $400 billion more to Israel, or Trump has also done that and declared martial law. But watch the pod. Watch his special. Think about a more quaint time when we could have specials before they're outlawed. So that's nice. This will come out in maybe a couple weeks. I don't even know when. Nice. Whatever.

It'll have faded. Nothing matters. Well, that's it. Everything's saturated so much now that nothing does matter on a certain level. It's true. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you just do it. There's something freeing almost about that. Absolutely. You know where it's like, hey. Absolutely. Yeah. Like, everybody's just like, wait, I'm sorry, I missed your last two specials. It's my fault. Yeah.

I know, it is. Everything's just one big morass and hopefully something happens. Well, but it's also because you're, which you guys knew, which took me years to understand myself, but because I was old, but you guys understood you're a small business and that's it. Yeah. Everybody's their own business. That is actually, yeah, yeah. And that's it. There's no show business. You're your own business. Yeah, yeah. And some are bigger, some are small, but they're all...

It's helpful to come from, that is how every Greek looks at everything. It is kind of, and we couldn't be more on the nose here. I'm a Greek small business owner whose number one employee is an underpaid Albanian with no training. That's great.

It's perfect. On the job learning, baby. On the job learning. Hilarious. Thank God it's just podcast producing. The Albanians, I used to work in the Bronx in the 80s, and the Albanians were just becoming well-known. And everybody said the same thing, which is, they're not a lot of them, but if you want to go, they're going all the way. Yeah. Yeah.

They only were like about six blocks, Decatur, a few blocks in the West Bronx, and they were not playing games. And nobody, everybody respected them because the Bronx was so wild in the 80s. Sure, sure. And I was from Brooklyn, but I worked there. But they would just, they just did not play games. Yeah. They would fight to the death. And it was really respected. And it should be. Well,

Well, we have a kinder, gentler Albanian. He's been through a couple, you know. I'm Machiavellian. I'm plotting. Oh, really? You want to take over the business? Albanians are the new world order, man. Greeks are done.

The empire has passed. Nah, dude. Don't fuck... Listen. They're like mountain people, right? It is true. Eldest did his 23andMe, and he is to... What is it? 99%? One little fucking... My sister did it, but yeah, we're pretty fucking thoroughbred. 99.99% like Southeastern European mountain village. Like a five-square-mile patch is where Eldest comes from.

So funny. We're pure. Do you ever see the movie Montenegro? It's a great movie. No, I haven't seen it. I love it, but it's close. But yeah, I did 23, I mean, 97% Irish and 3% some Ireland off the coast of Ireland. Oh, wow, wow. Same thing. Yeah. Yeah. I thought I'd be like, oh, you never know all these exotic things. A little something. How about yours? Did you do one? My brother did. We're pretty much what you'd expect. Greek? Greek, Mediterranean, you know, a little bit...

he's a little bit some strains of Middle Eastern some shit like that you know do you go to Greece I do yeah it's great it's absolutely incredible it's amazing so you worked in the I mean what's fascinating about because you said you lived here yeah you really are the most New York guy I can think of in many ways I'm pretty New York in New York

Non-Italian division. Right. You know what I mean? It's like Irish. Curtis Sliwa is the most New York guy ever. Interesting. Curtis Sliwa knows every street. He has the greatest story from every street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's because you grew up in Brooklyn. Right. And then you said you worked in the Bronx. And then when we were texting about doing the podcast, you said you lived in Astoria, which how do you, how does that happen? Because I lived a couple of blocks from here. That's insane. Because like if you grew up in, like people don't want to live here now.

And you grew up in Brooklyn. Why did you move to Astoria? I don't know. Well, my friend got an apartment and I was...

You know, I don't know why, but I mean, it was so inconvenient. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. It was even farther. It was down by the Busty Park. But I mean, so it was really convenient. I didn't last. I only lasted a few months. And how old, like what age were you? 25, 26, 1985. And you never left? You were here the whole time? You never moved, like... I lived in L.A. for a couple of years. But, yeah. I like L.A. I liked it at the time. Everyone was like, oh, you must have hated it. But L.A. is very seductive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You really get into it. If you love your car...

You love LA, you know. I'm not a car guy. No, no, but I mean, neither of them say, but I mean, sure, a nice car. You're in a little bubble, you know what I mean? You're in a bubble. You have to be, your car's your life. Yeah. You're always in a car.

You ever see that movie Swingers where they all get in their car to go to one place and then they all get in their car? That's how LA is. Everybody gets in their own car for every little event. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody gets to go together. To go five blocks. Everyone's like, all right, man. It's so weird. Yeah. I think it's a great visit town, but I do love, I mean, New York. New York fucking rocks. But it's just so funny to think of you moving from, did you go, you grew up in Park Slope, right? Yeah. Which, is that weird to you now where it's like,

It must be insanely different. Was it just Irish? No, no. It was nice? It was very mixed. Okay, okay. It was very, it was the most, it was like multi, it was black, Puerto Rican, Irish, Italian, Jewish. Everybody lived there. Interesting. And it was really, it was really probably one of the earliest neighborhoods that was like that.

But it was, but it was, it wasn't bad, but it had wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was wild things happening all over there. Sure, sure. It's hard to describe how New York was in those days. Like, you still were like, loved it. Of course. But there was things happening. Yeah.

Like, sometimes you look on the news now and you see, like, a horrendous crime. Like, that wouldn't even make the paper. Because it was... Like, people would be like, what are you going to print that for? Yeah, a guy got slashed. There were 20 of them today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was a weird... New York was a different vibe. Was the park really fucked up? Because we grew up in East Baltimore. Elders lived by a park that, when we were kids, you couldn't walk through at night. And now it's like...

like the most, you know, the most mellow play. Like he had a friend got the shit kicked out of him for his basketball by like 20 kids. I assume the actual park, was the park wild back in the day? Central Park? No, no, in Park Slope. Prospect Park? Prospect Park, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, we used to play sports up there. No, I mean, people would go up there.

But it wasn't, but it was empty. It was the park. It's like any other park. You go to a park at the nicest place in the world at night, there's going to be some psycho there. That is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a nice thing society has figured out. It's like, look, you don't go to the park. It's the nicest, richest place in the world. You need homeless guys jacking off somewhere. They need a haven to commit sex crimes on each other somewhere. That's right. Yeah.

That's a nice piece of urban planning. Yeah. Were you in ever... Now this is going to be offensive. Were you in a street gang? Were you playing dice, combing your hair? The Irish Rovers or something like that? No, they didn't have that. Wow. I think the 70s was also going to be like...

the way it'll probably go after this was right after the 60s. Yeah. So now people are hyper-political now. Sure. So they used to call it like the apathetic generation. Yes, yes, yes. Like the 70s, everybody made fun of, you know, and gangs were kind of, there was gangs, but it wasn't like a, like the 60s, people were like, took gang, it was kind of like old-fashioned gang stuff. Sure, sure, sure. People were more independent, I feel like. Yeah, yeah. You know, like it was just a different time with drugs. I mean, it was such a drug time. Sure. And I feel like it was just, like if you listen to music from the 70s,

It's very hedonistic. Right, right, right. And even the soft rock was like trying to be in a good mood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because people were like, okay, we get it. You're political from the 60s. But those people got older. And then the next generation makes fun of whatever the older people do. Of course, of course. Oh, I mean, absolutely. I do think the younger kids now...

I mean, I mean, millennials will be are already starting to be our generation is starting to be the most shit on for being corny and just like, I mean, which happens all the time, but it's like all the political. I think the hope I certainly feel the angle of in myself of like,

In college when Obama was there, wow, things are actually going to be good. Nothing good happens at all whatsoever. And then wait, Bernie, maybe we'll have fucking healthcare in this country. And then that doesn't... And then not only do we not get that, but fucking Trump happens. And then I certainly feel being 35, fuck, you know, weirdly disillusioned. I can't imagine what the kids now feel like. I could see us returning to apathy and then just kind of being like checked out and maybe even...

Too much... I mean, I keep hoping there'll be, like, Luddites, like a generation of kids that are like, all this being this online is fucking stupid, but...

Then you meet some of these kids, you're like, I never see that. I think they're constantly used to being on the internet. Yeah, they're not even going to think of it that... They won't. They won't think of it as like a weird thing. It would be like saying, hey, I hope the next generation doesn't buy cars and drive cars. Right, right, right. Doesn't use the phone. Yeah, yeah, doesn't call each other. It's just part of it, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're probably not going to... They'll probably mock any attempts by people to be like, here's the way it is. Right, right, right. Here's what this stands for. Like, it's...

probably the bigger ideas, I'm assuming. So you were an apathetic youth is what you're saying? Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just a party. I mean, I would just go out and, you know, in those days, pot. It's so funny because everybody smoked pot because my high school teacher, one of my math teachers, and I was terrible at math, but he moved to Park Slope, and I saw him in the street. I go, hey, you live in here? He goes, yeah, man. Listen, can you turn me into somebody with good pot? He just moved in. You're in high school? I was literally in high school drinking.

And he came up to me without worrying about any repercussions. And he said, this guy's a drug guy. I could just tell. I've seen him try and multiply. He can't do fucking... He can't do long division. He knows how to get fucking pills and weed or something. And I brought him right up to my friend. And I said, listen, this is the guy. He's my teacher. And he was a weed. And nobody... He wasn't like, teacher. It was like, oh, okay. You know, like...

I don't sell. Like, he was just like, I don't sell nickels. Right. And the guy's like, I know. I'm a teacher. I'm not going to buy a nickel bag. You know, he's just... Hey, come on. I'm an adult. I'm going to buy $30 worth of weed. He just sold him weed. Yeah. And he's like, that's a whole...

so it was really a pot society like that's why when saturday night live came on yes we all loved it even when we watched it because we're in the middle of a party of course somebody put on the background yeah yeah yeah because they were saying non-verbally we smoke pot of course that was the whole subject yeah yeah yeah yeah and they had a couple little references and right so we were just like

Yeah. This is us. They're long-handed. You could tell they were getting on it. They made a little reference to it. Yeah. And we're like, this is our show. And that's all it took is just be like, this is ours. I don't have to watch fucking Gunsmoke reruns. Right. I get to fucking actually see it. And everybody's comment on the show was just a little bit older. Like, Carpenter's show was a hilarious show. Yeah. Really funny. So funny. We watched it all the time and laughed. But they weren't...

They weren't getting high. You could just tell. Of course, of course. They didn't smoke pot. Of course, of course. And this was the first show, so SNL, that's why it became so huge. Interesting. It was that show that was just like, yeah, we all get high, you know. Wow. To go from like the, it started from being high to now being, I don't know that there is a more establishment show than Saturday Night Live at this point. Right. It is complete. I mean, you can trace-

what that generation I mean Lorne Michaels is a great example of like the outside fucking drunk guy to you know it just shows it just traces what it was like to be to go from the 70s to being like a successful person in 2030 which now it's like yeah but I mean I don't you know what's that just interesting it's like to go to what an entity starts at to now it sort of is like

i i mean i think it is the most established media property i can even think of it's the only the only one left it's the only show people watch and think of it's the only one that left yeah because i mean that's what his thing was like here's here's what lauren michaels like really understood something because he came to new york he's watched some thing taping there back when he's a kid yeah it hit him forever he's like i want to do a show on that stage yeah got to do a show

But he understood that live, live, live. Everybody always asks me on the show, when are you going to say it? But like, no, it's live. They're like, oh yeah, I forgot. But also, because he started in the 70s, you would watch him do what no other showrunner could do. He pushed around those executives. Like he just, if they told him, yeah, we can't afford that, he's like...

Yeah, just do it. Don't worry about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he just pushed them around. Nice. Because only in the 70s, that mentality where you could get away with telling the heads of things. He's like, no, they don't tell us what to do. Interesting. We tell them what to do. And I'm telling you, that was why it lasted. Wow. Because he just... And they're like, it's too much this year. He's like, no, I'd cut this, but...

don't listen to it yeah was it still like that when you were yes yeah oh wow in the 90s he was still like that he was like he would just you know make fun of them and yeah good damn he'd just be like well okay well we'll take that under advisement like he's sarcastic to them but like he's like no I know you've written a lot of funny things and like yeah yeah yeah that's great that somebody did it that somebody did it yeah so he was and now it's a different thing it's just so crazy because it's for you to get your perspective on that because like

I have always thought of him as the guy who is, you know what I mean? Like, I know, of course, you know, because it's like, I grew up on, right. You're like the first, the first cast I remember is like maybe shortly before you got there through like the welfare, you know? So it's like, sure. It was already such a thing. Eddie Murphy already happened so much. Right. But it is, you know, well, you know, I'm not going to trash them on the 50th anniversary. Oh, right. I'm not trashing. It's the 50th year. But,

Trying to get the invite, huh? Trying to get the invite to do 50th anniversary weekend update. Want to be right there with Jay? I mean, no, I don't want any of that. They're bringing fucking, I saw Dana Carvey's in there. Where's the Colin phone call? You know what I mean? Oh, God, no. I mean, I'm invited to the show, I guess, but...

I don't know. I mean, that was a weird fit. Let's just put it that way. You had a nice run, though. Yeah. It was funny. It was fine. Yeah. Folks, if you know me, you know I love a great deal. I love great deals more than you can ever imagine.

But it's got to be easy. No hoops, no BS. So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan, I called them on it. I was like, let's see about that. Turns out it really is that easy to get wireless for $15 a month. And the best part is the process to switch over is so simple. Eldis handled it for us. We switched over our business line to Mint Mobile. Tell the people how quick and easy it happened, Eldis. I probably...

I put that shit together no problem I was done in like 10 minutes and he's so stupid I did it all online already had the damn phone just it's it really was crazy easy I thought it was going to be annoying as shit it was a dream he thought he was going to have to lie for this ad but it turns out it really is as easy as what they've paid us to say it is

We love Mint Mobile. We use it for our official business line here at Stavi Baby Enterprises. And I want you to find out how easy it is to switch to Mint Mobile and get three months of premium wireless service for $15 a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash stavi. That's mintmobile.com slash stavi. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash stavi.

$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. C-Mint Mobile for details. But I mean, no, that's not my... Yeah, of course. But you have had such a... I mean, truly one of the most...

interesting careers of the levels of, you know, the first thing is probably the MTV stuff. MTV was really... When that was like right at the... At its most culturally... It was amazing. When I was on MTV... Literally...

this is the eight early 80s or no no like 88 89. okay okay we would go places they would they would say it all these like news cameras be filming some kids event wherever it was and kids would be like yeah making fun of the news guy get out of my way we show mtv camera showed up they would all just be like

Now we're talking. It was like such a generational thing for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those years especially. Yeah. Where they were just blown away, you know. And you guys, you were like the sidekick on the, what was the remote control? Remote control, I was like Kenny Ober's sidekick. Yeah. And Ken Ober, who died recently, he was so quick. He was a funny, he was a guy that did a lot of crowd work in comedy. And he was so funny and quick. And like you, he's very erudite. Like his references were just, when he's talking to the crowd, you're like,

Taking it to a plane like you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I appreciate that. It's true. And it's funny, you know, because I never thought that about him until just now when I'm talking about this. Like, I knew he was quick. But we'd do these shows and, I mean, I'd be crying. And the crowd would laugh too. Yeah, yeah. Because he would just, like, always have a reference where you're like, he's just good at that, you know? What a nice guy. And you just get that. And that, I mean, at that time, that was the biggest thing.

Like that was the most emerging media thing. You just got to be like, were you, was anything happening before your career? Was anything going on before that? Only with standups. You know, I was always, uh, you know, as Jay Moore often said, I was, I was always a dog whistle. Only standups. And then after doing the MTV thing, all these networks set up these meetings with me because I was popular. I went in and when I tell you, I sabotage every one of them. It was pretty impressive. Yeah.

Not on purpose. Not on purpose. No, no, trying to make a good impression. Trying to make an impression. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then walking out and calling my agent, and he's like, what did you say? And I go, what? I left, it was great. It was great. Every time. And then years later, I look back and I go, oh, oh, oh, that's what you said. Yeah. And I did that for a long time. Yeah. And then I got a little reputation. I remember...

My ex-manager from the late 90s goes, hey, you know, you have a reputation as, you know, he said Dwayne Thomas was this famous old football player when I was growing up, which was great running back, bad mind. And I go, what? Bad mind?

I go, who said that? And even then I was like, he's got to be making up. Nobody's talking about me. They have nothing better to do than think. But I guess in their world, everybody, not that they're talking about you, but they have you in a category where they ask around and people go, yeah, he's a fucking, you know. People go. He's got an attitude problem. Yeah. And I never thought I had an attitude problem. That's when you really have one. Yeah.

Yeah. You thought you were like half dancing for them. Well, I used to, yeah. Yeah. I used to go in there and sit there and just imagine the Arians. First of all, I'm smoking. Second of all, all the young people in their office are like, hey, when I come in, they will fucking love me from MTV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I'm sitting with these old fucks. Yeah. They have a sitcom. Yeah. The sitcom sucks. Right, of course. I tell them it sucks, but me and my friends will fix it for you. Yeah.

But again, I didn't know producer was the writer. So I didn't know they wrote the show too. So I'm telling people to their face. It's hack. I mean, I'm not saying they did this once. I did this eight to 12 times. Sitting room and their face is getting angry.

And me never putting it together. Hey, man, the thing you fucking poured your soul into for two years, dog shit. Dog shit. Me and a guy that I do cocaine with, though, you give us a weekend or two, we'll fucking button it up for you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go try to fuck that girl who greeted me.

I gotta go. That's why he's so good. When you talk to the crowd, it gets very psychological and very in-depth like that. That was exactly where I was at. That's exactly where my mentality was. Yeah. Yeah. My mentality was like, yeah. Yeah. No, I get it. It's just, and also going from like to stand up,

fame or just doing spots or whatever especially at a time where it doesn't feel like culture anybody gave that much of a fuck about nobody gave a fuck so to go from nothing and toiling to famous and also with like like hot young people too at the time yeah that's that's tough for the for the psyche of a of a young man to stay even sort of humble well we used to i used to always say um

One of the two of the stories after one is we went to me and Kenny. We first he said, you know, we're really famous. Yeah. I go, no, we're not. Because I was in New York City and was having a young kids. He goes, he goes, I went to this thing. All these people swamp me. So I go, I don't think that's true. We go down to Orlando, Florida. We go to the strip club. We walk into the strip club.

All the strippers leave their customers and come running over to us. Oh, my God. I mean, that would have ruined me. There's no way I'd know how to act. This is not good. This is bad. And then the other one...

Yeah, and that was too much. Yeah, and you were a single man at the time? Single man. Yeah. And, yeah, I mean, that was insane. Yeah. And the other thing was we would do these things. Like, wherever we went, suddenly people, like, I remember doing this gig, and I wasn't, by the way, my act was so local New York area. I didn't blow anything. I'm doing a gig. I get off the plane. It's...

Southwest Missouri State, Dennis Weaver Drive. I still remember that. And I see this long line of 3,000 people going to a show at the college. And I'm by myself. 3,000? I go, where are they going? And he goes, ha, ha, ha. So I was like, oh. I had done a couple of colleges with like 80 people. There must be a basketball game. Yeah, I was like, somebody big. Oh, great, I'm competing with the basketball game. Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I walk backstage in the back of this order, and I go, what?

3,000 people that don't want to hear like subway jokes from the 80s. Sorry about losing your tokens. I went up there and...

They didn't care. They're just sitting there. There's little kids. I'm sitting there for like an hour. I'm talking. They're kind of not laughing, but they're like, hey, this is kind of funny. And then I just sign. After a second, we go, will you sign? I go, sure. I'm there for two and a half hours signing everything. No pictures. Nobody had a camera. Maybe three people. There's no camera phone. So we're just signing. Autographs. Hilarious. Yeah. And then one time I go to Kenny, because Kenny, like I said, was very witty.

And do you know who, uh, anyway, I'll say it, and maybe you'll know his name, and maybe you won't, but...

He goes, I was saying, you know, we're doing all this MTV shit, the show, it's Brady, a bunch of questions. What are we doing? We're turning it to hacks. This is bullshit. I'm complaining before this thing we're doing, this show. I go, we're not going out here. These people, we're not doing stand-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm an artist, man. Right. I'm like, I'm an artist. So after the show, this girl comes out, beautiful girl, and she goes, Colin, sign it. And she takes it out. And I'm like this. I get the mark, and Kenny goes...

Hey, Spalding Gray, are you still feeling regrets about your art? Spalding Gray was like a one-man show guy. Wow, look where you ended up. You're doing your penance now. Now you're a fucking one-man show guy. All the fucking lines off tits you did in the 80s. But how funny is that? He's supposed to say Spalding Gray. He looks at me, perfect timing.

I'm like that with a pen. Yeah. Like mid-sign, I'm like... All right, fair. You got me, brother. Yeah, basically, he was like, why don't you throw the pen down and walk off? Mr. Integrity. Yeah, here's the moment where it really counts. Here's the moment. Face-to-face with one tit out. But it was a great... We had so much fun because, speaking of executives, all the executives...

I'm still... They came to our show last week in LA. They're all... They weren't executives. They were like young music fans that went to MTV at the right time. Yes, yes, yes. So they loved us. We'd all go out all together as a party. Yeah. So you had friends every time we went to an event. Yeah.

there'd be 50 people that all wanted to go dance and hang out and, you know, just whatever it was at that time. I mean, that's beautiful. That's like, that is really right. Right place, right time. What's the comedown like off that? The comedown was pretty bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The comedown was, I was at Mario Joyner. It was a funny comedian. He was on MTV too. And he goes, yeah, because he goes, because he was living in New York too. And he goes, yeah, he goes, I used to come on the subway. People go, take it to Subway.

Now I get on and people go, take him to Subway. You know, you get first class flights sometimes and now you're back in coach all the time. And that was, you're right. That's tough. You had to get used to it, you know? What was the like, was there a moment where you're like, ah,

The MTV, being the Beatles is over. It ended quick. It ended quick. I mean, I left the show because it was just too much for me at that point. But you were on it for how long? Two years, two and a half years. But I was like, I can't do it again. I was literally lying on the couch. I go, guys, I can't do another season. They go, yeah, but one more. I go, no, I'm telling you, I can't do it with Kenny. I'm not doing it. Yeah. I was so...

And was it the artistic stuff? Yeah, it was just... You had your fill of drugs and pussy. And you were like, I didn't... Well, I didn't do any drugs. I was clean back then. Oh, you were sober by then. Oh, wow. But I mean, and that was hard. That was hard. Wow, staying sober. That was hard. Through that. Yeah. I'm guessing you had other ways, other outlets. I mean, I had a lot of girlfriends and I had a lot of cigarettes. That was it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, but that was it. Yeah. But I mean, that was hard because... That is, yeah. There was a lot of drugs, a lot of drinking going on.

All around, all for free. Yeah. But I knew if I did that, I would die. It's one thing to buy cocaine. It's another thing, it's one thing not to buy it. I was offered to go to so many parties that I turned down because, you know, I just, I've told this, I'm sure, but one time in the elevator, it's Kenny Ober, Sam Kinison. Oh, hell yeah. Who's the greatest guy. And he was a coke guy, you know. Oh, yeah. And a couple other guys in the elevator with all these strippers from like,

whatever, we're at Daytona Beach, wherever we are. And then I go and I just thought to myself, they're all going up to this big penthouse. You've got the whole top floor of some hotel. And then I just realized, I've got to get out of here. I can't go. I go, I'm going to end up doing coke and dying. And so I just got out of the elevator on my floor. And you just see the door show. I can still see the visual of Sam Kenison looking at me like this. The girl, Kenny knew. And the girl's looking like,

And the door's just shutting. I went to my room and cried. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the godfather. But I had no show. When he shuts the door at the end. Yeah. You were K. You're like, I'm out of this life. Yes. Yeah. Oh, I mean, what you're doing. I don't want to see you, Colin. I'm going to say the next thing. If we do gigs together, I want you to do your first part. And then leave. You will vacate the green room before I am to arrive. Yeah.

Yeah. Dude, I mean, there is no way I would have survived. I mean, I understand why every fat comedian died. I would have died. There's no way I would have survived what you're describing. Right. One iota of that. I had a rule. I stopped doing it at 30. I was like, it's either B-fat or cocaine. You can't do both after 30. Well, you're very smart because I had a lot of friends die from coke. And also, like, less...

people didn't know asthma. I mean, now there's been so much clear research, research of like what happens when it was newer, you know, and you could, you could lie to yourself like, ah, we're just having a good time. But, but you're right. No Coke, Coke killed it. It,

Killed a lot of people, not overdose. They died of heart failure the next day. Yeah. I mean, you feel it, too. They do something the next day, and then they work out or whatever they try to do the next day, and they all die. It's really bad. I know. We had another plus-size comedian on here. The analogy was when you're using a laptop and you hear the fan going really hard.

That's what a fat person on cocaine is like. That's what my heart felt like every time I did cocaine. I was like, oof, I got to go plunge myself into a bath or something. Oh, God, yeah. No, I had a heart attack a few years ago, so I'm always, I'm always, whenever I hear my heart going in a different, I'm like, it's a whole different vibe now. Yeah, absolutely. No.

I can fucking totally imagine, but... But there's nothing you can do about it either. It's so funny. Because I'm like... Then I'm like, hey, what am I going to do? You can't stretch. You can't stretch your heart out, you know? Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. So, okay. Well, I'm just so fascinated about... So you had that high-ass run and you were like... And then you wanted to commit yourself to the art again? Is that what happened or what? I went back to stand-up and I really felt like...

You know what I mean? Like, I loved it. I never denied MTV was the greatest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like I was like, oh, my God. I loved it. Yeah.

When it was happening, I loved it. And afterwards, I loved it. Yeah. That's nice, though. It's like being on a college football team that won the championship. You can look back on it fondly. You don't want to stay in school forever, though. Absolutely, yeah. But I did love it. But then I started doing stand-up and really threw myself into it and doing one-man shows back then even. And that was my thing. I really did want to just try to...

And I've been writing screenplays for all these years because in my mind, I was always like, well, I'm surrounded by the funniest people in the world.

How is everybody in comedy not in charge of... How are there like 30 Woody Allens? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't understand. And I was like, I'm going to figure this out. And I never did yet. But because I'm like, how are there not 30 Woody Allens? There's so many funny people. Yeah. You talk to stand-ups. I mean, you know. Of course, yeah. I mean, I made an indie movie. I know. I can't wait to see it. Yeah, thank you. And go watch it, guys. Let's Start a Cult. It should be on VOD by now. But that was part of the thinking was...

I'll just write some bullshit. I know so many funny people. Yes. They just come in for a day, and it's true. They just elevate it. Everything was funnier because of the cast. Yes. And it's like... Yes. But you must have been like... You were actually fulfilled at that time? Or did it ever get like... Were you good for money? Oh, no. Shit was bad? How was it going? Yeah, I had no money. I mean, at one point, I'll give you an example. After MTV, like probably...

two years maybe two years afterwards I had to move back in with my mother yeah I mean I guess I could have done more road stuff sure I guess when I look back on it now but I had no money yeah I had no money and I wasn't getting road gigs how old were you?

Probably 32, 33. Oh, tough. Because I moved back in. Walking down, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Because, I mean, I moved, I did that, I moved back in with my parents. I stayed after college, I was in Baltimore doing stuff, and I was like, I need to save some money and move to New York. But you were already, you had already gone through. I was from New York. One cycle, yeah, yeah.

You had to move back to Brooklyn. I lived in L.A., yeah. No, it was pretty... It was very... I mean, the funny thing is, even though it was very humbling, of course, but it was also, like, it felt good because my sister was there with her little daughter. Oh, that's nice, yeah. And we were in this little apartment, and it was like...

It was the four of you? Yeah. Your sister? Yeah. Yeah. But something about it, I was like... Your Irish tenement roots. I didn't feel as bad. I didn't feel... Well, this was in Bay Ridge now. Okay. So, but I just didn't feel... But it had that feeling, that fresh from Ellis Island feel. It was just... Three generations in one house. All I remember was this guy, Mr. Kelly, who was a real pain in the ass, too. Old Mr. Kelly was a dick. But, um...

But it was one of those things where when I look back on it, I was like, I did enjoy it. Of course. Your mom, you know, mama's boy. Of course. My sister and her daughter. But it's funny. I don't know how many months I was there. I was there a few months, maybe three months. So you were a mama's boy, though, when you were growing up? Sure, I was a mama's boy. How many siblings did you have? Two sisters, one brother. Two sisters, one brother. But this one was my other one who lived upstate. My other brother was somewhere else.

So it was me and my sister. I mean, when I remember it now, I almost forgot about it, but walking down that block. Yeah. And people just, you know how it is. The first day, people are like, hey, but then they're like, I guess. Yeah. Everybody knows life takes some weird turns. Yeah, yeah. You have to be like, yeah, my mom's sick. Just helping her. No, I didn't feel embarrassed at all. Interesting. If I had to go back to Greektown right now and move back in, after all the, I was also kind of a,

I don't know if you ever felt this way, but it was like, I definitely felt like, fuck these idiots. Like, I always felt like that superior. I mean, because you're from New York, it's a different thing. No, I didn't feel that way. Everyone that moves here is the guy that thinks, I'm better than fucking these morons I grew up with. We used to hate that when I was growing up. Yeah. Because when anybody moved here and they go, oh, these bridge and tunnel people, I go, oh, the people that are from here? Shut up. Shut up.

You just drive me crazy. Yes, yes, yes. It's like I would describe it as somebody who would not hold the door open for some old lady with her bags. That's what I used to describe it like. Right, right, right. You just drive me crazy. Like people go in New York and they get mad. If you say you're not New Yorkers, people get mad even if they're not from here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, yeah, whatever. Yeah, I mean, I feel the 10-year mark is where I would feel the ability to even sort of

you know, some kind of half, it's like your green card or something, to be able to, on the path to New York citizenship. It's like 10 years is the first step and then, you know, whatever. Oh, because you're Greek, maybe, you know. Yeah, I live in Astoria and I'm Greek. People assume, but yeah, thank you. As long as you ethnically stay with your own. Albanians, you should live in either Staten Island or the Bronx. Yeah.

That would be so fucking funny. You start commuting from Staten Island to do this podcast. A lot of Albanians over there, yeah. The Bronx would be awesome. But no, I would not be able to go back as a need to be there. I love going back there as the conquering hero. I know, but sometimes you never say never. Yeah, it's true. You know what I mean? When I was on MTV, it was like... I went in and I got a couple of...

I guess development deals, you know, in those days it was like 50,000 bucks with a lot of money, you know? And I had a couple of those and you just sit there, but you, you, if you don't understand the basics, which your generation understands, which is if you don't do it yourself, it's not going to happen. Right, right, right. So if you didn't do that movie yourself, it wouldn't happen. Without question, it wouldn't happen. And that's how, even back then, like they do these development deals and you're like,

you know, they just go in the ether. They want, that's part of their culture is keeping people in meetings and all that stuff. The meetings are part of the business. Pretend to make, pretend to make product, but don't make it because it's a pain in the ass. Paying a guy to dig up a hole and then paying a different guy to fill the hole back in. Yeah. There's a lot of what it is. Right, right. Yeah. And that's what you don't understand unless you're

you know, unless you're sharper than I was. Yeah, well, but at this time, you also made a, around this time, you also, or soon after, made an appearance in truly one of my favorite films, Night at the Roxbury. That was when I was on SNL. Oh, okay, okay. And I had a bad attitude about that too. It comes through in your performance, but I like it. I think it lends to the character. It really does.

I was afraid when we first met, I told you I liked Night of the Rocks. And then in hindsight, I was like, did he think I was fucking with him? Because I actually loved that movie. A lot of people like that movie. It was like one of those like... It wasn't a bad movie. It was much better than it gets credit for. It is weird that Chris Kattan is the lead and Will Ferrell is the supporting character. In hindsight, that's weird. But it's also a fun relic of his time. But at the time, yeah. And then, you know, and you were great in it. And then the uncredited...

Fuck. Charles Palmontero. Oh, yeah. Like his name's nowhere in the credits. It's not? No, no, it's not there. And it's like, who's this? He was great. He was great. He's always great. He's looking like an Armenian guy, but yeah. Yeah, I know. It was really fun. It was a great performer. I think that movie's legitimately, and I watched it recently being like,

I was a fucking dumb kid. This sucks. Loved it. I loved it maybe even more. By the way, speaking of resentful performances that were brilliant, Richard Grieco. Yeah. Oh, my God. He goes, so, Chris Kassan goes, so, you going to meet up? You going to hang out? You just talked to Johnny Depp lately? And he goes, here you go. Because Amy Heckerley's a great director. And he goes,

No. The way he said it. It was incredible. It was the best. And you got a feel for Grieco because how many times did he get that? He got to put it on wax, basically, how he wished he could respond to every dickhead that asked him that question. Oh, my God. It was one of the greatest. It was one line. It was right up there. Have you ever seen Laverne and Shirley? No.

Yeah, I've seen it. Anyway, but Michael McGinnis said Lenny and Squeaky. They would come and go, hello. And they're, hello,

would make everybody, especially when it came out, you just laugh because they were hopeful and also resentful because they were so bullied all their lives. And they come in, hello. And I just cry at the great, like one, anybody can give a one line. Sometimes you just, or even a look, sometimes a film. Those are the moments that make you cry. And it's also such a, that performance, this is great, let's get really into Night at the Roxbury because that performance is also, that resentment kind of runs through this whole thing because it's,

You have to get a guy, and the pitch is, we need you to play yourself. We know you have nothing going on. You have to be a shell of your former self. You need to be so available to the, truly the biggest idiots of all time have to have something over on you. Right. And then you also have to appear as a shell of yourself. Right. This is the only, I mean, I don't know if he was in anything before.

after that. I don't either. I mean, a couple of movies, but no. And that's a powerful energy in a film is a guy who doesn't want to be there but has to be and kind of resents it. Yeah. It's awesome. And I mean, he was, yeah. I mean, I was obviously out there during the time when he first blew up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, true. And he did, you know, he did a couple of movies, but yeah, I don't think by that point he had anything. No, no. But it was so funny because, yeah, and he delivered that line with all of his...

His whole chest, as they say. It was fucking beautiful. No. Great movie. And even at the time, I was like, that was just funny. Yeah. She's a great filmmaker. She made, you know, Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Oh, yeah. Holy fuck, wait. Amy Heckerling. I guess I didn't even realize that she... Amy Heckerling directed that. That makes so much sense. That's why it's a good movie, folks. Night at the Roxbury. Don't watch Colin Special. Don't watch my movie. Go watch Night at the Roxbury. Night at the Roxbury. Yeah.

I mean, I'm not going to recommend that one, but I would say go watch Fair Sons of Israel.

But I mean, yeah, Bad at the Rocks movie. Bad at the Rocks movie was not bad. No, it's good. But again, you know, I just, I don't know why I had a bad attitude. I tried not to do it. Yeah, did you just not want to do anything other than... What I like, what I write. Just classic obstinance. I've been like that my whole life. I just want to do my projects, and I never got to do them. It's really kind of an ironic thing. Is there one white whale project still out there that you want to do? No, there's ten. There's ten. They're all based in like...

Six neighborhoods in Queens, Osiris in them, and Brooklyn. All right. And the Bronx. It's about this cool guy that's getting pussy on MTV. No, no. No, no, no. I'm kidding. Well, my first project, which is another famous story of the delusions of me. Yeah. When Crocodile Dundee 2 had one line. So I rewrote the whole script about Paul Hogan, who was the hugest name in show business at the time, being led around New York by a cool guy. Yeah.

You rewrote it? Rewrote it for me. And I handed it to the director. So you're tasked with one line, and you're like, I got something that's going to button this up, make this a much better picture. I think I actually said to him, like, hey, you know, I'm from New York. This New York part doesn't really feel real.

That was before MTV, by the way. That's fucking insane. I mean, I was like fucking, I'm like Ruben Pupkin. I mean, how do you even respond to getting that? Well, he was Australian, thank God. He goes, oh yeah, mate, thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, the accent does a lot of work to paper over that. He's just like, yeah, he's a fucking asshole. More trouble to fire him than just fucking ignore him. Ha ha ha.

If that was an American director, they would have said, get this piece of shit off the film. Because Shreya's like, eh, if I could... Cast for one line. Rewrote the whole script is incredible, man. I mean... So awesome. Yeah. I can't... That's fucking awesome. What a fucking delusional bastard. I'm like, who the fuck... Did you ever have... What was the first creative pursuit you had as, like, even a kid? Was there a thing where you were like, ooh, this is awesome? I mean...

No, but I was funny. I was always making people laugh. And I was creative, so you know what I mean? Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. When I would speak and people start laughing, you get into that whole thing where you're like...

shit, I'm funny. This is fun, yeah, yeah. And people would go, you're funny, you're funny. You know what I mean? You never wrote like a play or something as a little kid? What would a play? You know what I mean? Like made people play actor or anything like that? Yeah, sure I did, yeah. Of course, but I can't remember them. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, me and my sister, we had a tape recorder. Yeah. Me and my sister, my friend, my sister Jenny, who was also into stuff too, and we did the Johnny Borsum show. Instead of Johnny Carson, I wish I had the tape. Yeah.

So I'm like, Johnny Borsum. And then Raquel Welch comes out. And I go, and my sister's playing Raquel Welch. And so we get a couple of big tit jokes. And I go to my sister, I go, boy, Raquel, you're really popping out all over the place or something. And she goes, thanks, Johnny.

She's like seven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're making big tit jokes on your seven-year-old sister. Yeah, and she's like improv-ing. Yeah. Thanks, Johnny. You're like, stop.

I wish I had that. Did you go to Catholic school where nuns hitting you? Where did the obstinance come from? She went to Catholic school, actually. Oh, interesting. No, I went to public school, but that was wild. I probably should have gone. Actually, to give you an idea of the public schools, we went to public schools, so my brothers and sisters had to go to Catholic school because public schools were buck wild, as they say in those days.

No, the obstinance just, I think I was just born that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think a lot of comedians are born with exactly that. Just a, whatever they call that, we have defiance disorder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just look at everything. Because even now, I remember meeting a young comedian in Pittsburgh like 10 years ago. And they're like, oh my God, you're Colin Quinn. You're doing comedy comedy.

I'm just starting. It was like open mic or in Pittsburgh working at the hotel or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, oh, nervous. And so I said, yeah, I'm going to be nice to this guy. Give him a couple of, so I told him, I said, show me your stuff. And he showed me stuff. I go, this could be, you know, that could be a good, and he's looking at me like, I got it, bro. And I was like, that's a comedian. He's like, don't worry about me. Worry about yourself. I just told you I'm doing open mics. Yeah.

I don't need anybody helping my fucking material. It is awesome how sure you are that you know what you're doing. You have to be. Yeah, it's true. Comedians are tough as shit. People don't realize. Even comedians are like, I'm so scared. Well, delusional is, I think, how I would put it. Yeah. It's a delusion. You have to be so delusional that it is toughness. Because if you were to actually look at, if you were actually to look at the odds against

you how bad you are when you start how many better like looking more talented more everything people like if I wasn't fucking stupid I mean the fact that I was in a movie like I can't even believe they let me star in a movie I am so

so fat and ugly compared to a fucking a guy i could be in the movie i could be the guy whose pants fall down and then they hit him with a fucking pie in the face but in my head i was like nah nah i'm a star baby and it's like that's right baby you have to be that fucking delusional i'm just that's beautiful yeah because it is yeah i i don't like this pot this weird positive thing about

I just think comedians should always view themselves as losers first and foremost. That's right. And I think it's the delusional factor. We aren't really special. A lot of people, if they put this amount of hours in, could be good at this. Absolutely. But they're helping the world. Well, I don't know if they're helping the world. Or whatever. But they don't have that delusion. Or they at least have... But here's why people like us. They did the math and they were like, oh, I should just get a job. But the positive side of it is also that...

we have watched the producers when zero myself yeah he's out the window to what's the name of the and he goes that's right if you got it for it and like that's why people like us yeah because they're like hey i'm not gonna do the work and be up there yeah go for it you do it baby you freak you ever see um officer and a gentleman sure great movie so at the end her friend who ended up having the boyfriend get killed and he calls her twice

She goes off with Richard Gere and she's with nobody. She wanted to get married too. And she goes like this. Yeah, Paula. And I feel like that's how people feel about stand-up. Yeah, good for you. They're like, yeah, you're right. You're not as talented as these gorgeous actors and singers, but fuck them too. Fuck them. We're with you. That's why people like us. I know. They want to be as delusional as we are. They know we're fucked up. They know we're not that great. Of course.

Of course not. But they fucking love us for it. And that's why there should be some... We should be against the... There is a little bit of an epidemic of comedians being cool, which is a big problem. I hate comedians. Cool is the opposite of comedy. Big, big, big problem. Big problem. Yes. Anyway, well, we have a lot... Let's not just give general comedy platitudes. Let's actually help the people, Colin. You're a man with a ton of...

beautiful life experience. We didn't even get to delve into all of it. You'll have to come back, but we have, you know, people call in. I don't know if we even told you how the show works, but we have some... Oh, yeah. We do some voicemails and we give people advice. So it's half interview, half advice show. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. Well, perfect. We're going to get you right off the... Sorry, we're bad at telling our guests. It's better that way. Yes, I'll just play us some... Yeah, you guys give me no prep. Yeah.

Not that I give a shit. It was all worth it, that speech you just made. That's exactly right. Thank you, man. Delusional and not that great, but you have to admit, that's why people love us. Absolutely. It shouldn't work and it's funny. They're like, fuck yeah, I wouldn't. Yeah, I didn't do it, but you did it. Do it. You should be the avatar for fat slobs everywhere. I always say... As a comedian. I always say, speaking of cool and comedy, I go, where...

that we're not the people that are in the trendy party we're outside and they're not letting you in yeah your clothes are off yeah you just don't have the look yeah to be in that god damn oscar party yeah you're in the looking at the window totally you know you're like that piece of he's not that and then the guy the famous guy walks by you're like hey dude exactly hey can i come in play us something eldest

Hello, Stavros, Eldis. I have issues ejaculating. Within the last year, I was diagnosed with OCD. I'm on two different medications. The medication allows me to function. It allows me to go out and leave my house. It allows me to go to different places.

I mean, it allows me to break my routine, which I appreciate. I've really enjoyed being able to take the medication and getting my life back. The issue is I now have pretty much no ability to cum, even if I'm masturbating myself.

I usually become tired or in pain, damaged by penis in some way, or my balls are bruised. Because we're talking double-digit minutes of jacking to come. The issue is my wife, it's probably her favorite part of sex, is me coming in or around her or on her in some way. And I'm not really able to perform that currently. I have thought that maybe we could do

more degrading things in the bedroom for her, which I think she would enjoy as well. But I don't want to make her do strange things or weird things and that still not come. It would make her feel worse. And that's kind of the thing. I'm worried that I'm making her feel bad every time we have sex and I don't come. I'm still enjoying sex with my wife. I love my wife. We've been together for 10 years. But this has just been a tough six to seven month period of time.

where I'm just really not able to come even with all of her moves, her tried and true moves she does. The people in your podcast do seem to be able to come for you freely and frequently. Maybe you could give me some advice on maybe to get out of my own head and be in the moment and come more easily or maybe I need to get off the medication. Any advice I'd really appreciate. Thanks. Well, this is good. We didn't prep Colin and we're like, maybe Elvis will ease us in with a question, but no.

Immediately some fucking freak jizzing in his wife is what we're hitting calm with right off the top. I have some thoughts. I don't know if you have any. I have some, sure. I mean, you have to have thoughts on what he just said. Well, she... First of all, is your wife a fucking child? Like, you had OCD and you finally had medication for...

You had finally had medication that gets your shit under control and she's mad you can't cream pie her? She's not gonna take the trade off of like, "Oh, he doesn't have to, you know, OCD." It's like, now we don't have to, he doesn't have to, you know, obsessively

You know, whatever the fuck you're doing, counting straws before you have a drink or, you know, you're not insane anymore, basically. But she's mad that you can't bust? Feels kind of insane. Feels like a crazy thing for your wife not to, you know, not to understand. Have you tried talking to her, I guess, is a big one? Now, if it's all about the physical jizzing aspect, have you thought about a fake dick?

Or a fake, some kind of performative, I don't know, Nickelodeon gack, Nickelodeon slime-like situation where at the end of sex you could push a button. Wow. Or maybe a small super soaker you could tape to the underside of your balls that's filled with some kind of jizz-like substance. Or what do they use when you have to fake a piss test? You know what I mean? A nice warm...

flagging of fake gum. I'm just spitballing here, but I don't know. Kyle, you have any thoughts here?

Yeah, well, I had tea dick for many years. What's tea dick? Tea dick is when I would drink tea. Literal, like, tea. Chamomile. Yeah, like tea. Earl Grey. Any kind of tea. And I hate Earl Grey. Okay. Sorry. My apologies. I don't want anyone to ever give me a cup of Earl Grey if they watch this. Anything British. Okay. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, yeah, Earl Grey killed my ancestors. He was a landowner.

no i don't i had t-dick where where i would come if i drank tea back in the 80s i would get really i would my my dick would hurt if you had tea i noticed you're drinking some right now i'm not planning on coming and on mtv we would literally have everybody like i said we'd go out they'd be like oh oh colin's drinking tea and they tell some girl don't even bother talking

They say, Colin, with a brisk, you better watch out, girls. Because I love tape. Yeah. So I understand if he's saying he becomes in pain. Right. Well, he's saying he just can't come. From the medication. Right. Well, he says he usually becomes tired or in pain. Mm-hmm. You know? I mean, this is just a... Yeah. I think he needs to... I think he needs to... You know, first of all, the fact that he hasn't Googled any of this is infuriating. Yeah.

He acts like he came with this thorough problem. He gave us the most surface level of a thorough problem I've ever heard. So you're not serious about this. It's also, what are we going to do, man? It's a fucking medication. It's changed your, you should talk to your doctor. But again, yeah, and we're taking his word for it. True, that is true. This whole thing, he's on two medications for OCD. He doesn't mention what they are. Right.

That's right. You know what I mean? Was he afraid we were going to research him? Give us the name of all thousands of people in Concerta in the area. Elders will run some toxicology reports, let you know what's going on. It is interesting, though, he seems to be worried about his wife more than anything. He seems to be worried about...

You know her favorite parts of sex or she's not doing her true He's doing she's doing her tried-and-true moves and he's not busting that would be annoying to me if I was in a relationship with somebody and I knew how to make her come and then all of a sudden it was gone I would feel inadequate but

If we had a conversation and we were like, hey, I hope you're not feeling this way. This is just the medicine that makes me not shit in the toaster oven. That's the trade-off here. I think she would understand it. But I feel like he's saying two things here. One is he can't come and his wife doesn't like it. And two, he's kind of saying, maybe I'll try some new things with my wife. Yeah, that's it.

That's a great point. That's a really good point. I like where this guy's going. Maybe it's not really about the Medicaid. He's put up a smoke screen to be able to put his wife in a gimp suit. And he's talking about weird degrading stuff. I know. Where did that come from? Exactly. Where the fuck did that come from? That was a left turn that we appreciated.

But at the same time... No, you're right. You're so right, Colin. This guy's trying to use his new medicine as a way to fucking, you know, write whore on his wife's face with lipstick and spit on her. Yeah. And so, yeah, man. Did she ask for that? That's your solution? He spits on her face and goes, is that viscous enough for you? Yeah.

Yeah, man, I would try talking to your wife before I would hit her pussy with a mace. Next question, Elders. Holy shit. What the fuck's going on?

Holy fuck, you know what time it is, guys? No, man. It's a fucking crazy time, man. It's time to keep it twisted. It's time to keep it twisted. Time to keep it twisted on this week's Keep It Twisted Twisted Question of the most...

Fucked up twisted question of the week. We still don't have an official name for the segment, but now is the time. That's good. And Eldis, play us a twist. Let's see if these people are going to keep it twisted with this twisted-ass call. Keep it twisted.

yo how's it going stav um first time caller long time listener guest eldest hope you guys are doing good um so just a little problem i have with me and my girlfriend i'm 23 she's 21 we've been together for about three years now love this woman she's the love of my life and she's you know everything to me um

The thing is, you know, in her past, she has had, you know, girlfriends. And I'm totally cool with that. I personally haven't had boyfriends, but, you know, I don't care about her past. I like her as a person. Interesting. The thing is, when she's around me, she's totally, you know, cool, totally normal. Okay. And then the thing is, when we hang out with her friends, then that's when I notice a little bit of a personality change.

We'll go out to like a club and she will spend the entire night just twerking and sometimes even making out with her friends. And, you know, I get left in the dust. And, you know, I know some guys, maybe that's like something they like where they like think that that's hot. That's not me. You know, the girl wasn't even that hot.

It's kind of just really pissed me off. Sure. You know, I know it's harmless. You know, I need to know if I'm making a big deal about this or if, you know, it's actually an issue, you know? Right. All right. Well, that's my question. Hope you guys are doing good.

Yeah, man. Wow. It sounds like she's really keeping it pretty twisted. Yeah. That is a twisted question. She's keeping it very twisted. Twisted woman. So because of the segment, I'm going to have to back her and everything that she does. Oh, interesting. Because I think that this is very much in the spirit of the Twisted Tea. But,

Go out, kiss. Go out and fucking lesbian make out. Right. Responsibly, of course. Don't over drink. Don't over drink. Don't over drink. Don't over drink. It's a delicious 5% alcohol by volume drink just enough to get you a nice little buzz, but you're still responsible. Yeah. And you're keeping it twisted. You're making out with other ladies. You're twerking and that sort of thing. This guy's hilarious because he's like, what is he, 23? And the girl's 21.

Responsible age to drink. Been together, yeah. True. And I'm glad you just started. I'm glad you, your girlfriend, just started drinking this year. And she's certainly keeping it twisted. Yes. Now, been together three years. And the question is like, hey, man, when I go out, like, let's just break down what he's told us. He goes out to the club with his girlfriend. Mm-hmm.

She doesn't pay attention to him, and she dances suggestively and makes out with other people. She cheats on him at the club. She's in front of him, and he's asking if this is a red flag.

I would say it is as red as the raspberry twisted tea right here at the top of the can. That's as red a flag as the delicious, refreshing red of the raspberry. And buying the hint of raspberry in this makes me want to do all this sort of stuff. I'm going to go to the club right now and twerk.

I really, I gotta start making out with men and women. That's how twisted I'm feeling right now. I think this is at least worth, you know, maybe talking to her about. Yeah. I'm glad you came to us first. Yeah, before you mentioned that. We even said, like, this is kind of making me uncomfortable.

Let me ask a podcast first. Yes. Love that. And so I think we can say that your girlfriend is keeping it a little too twisted right now. A little too much. I would dial back how twisted I'm keeping it if I were her. And I also have bad news for you. You're 23. She's 21. You've been together three years. I don't know if you survive this. I got to be honest. This is the kind of behavior...

You've been together since she was 18 and you were 21, whatever. Dude, she might just have this in her and other guys would roll with the punches. I mean, don't get me wrong, also mentally ill. But sometimes mentally ill people align and he's like, yeah, that's my fucking bitch. Go kiss those. You know what I mean? But that doesn't seem to be you. You don't like this.

Definitely have a conversation with her. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable. You're secure. If you're feeling that secure, I almost don't want to talk him out of it. It's just like, I would not be able to handle this. I would give her a taste of her own medicine. Yeah, start making out with your friends. How about you go down to the spa?

Yeah. You say, let's go do a double date massage. Yes. And you start just getting it in the hot tub with all sorts of guys. You're like grossing yourself out, making out. See? That kind of thing. You understand what we're talking about. You're probably toast if I have to be completely honest with you. It seems like she's barely concealing how little she cares about your relationship if that's what she's doing. Now...

We're being negative, glass half full. This is literally, I also did know girls who considered this

just having a good time in college, right? Yeah. But if that's the... I want to... And it's not even... I'm not even saying it's wrong. You just have to be able to roll with the punches. If you can't roll with the punches, the odds of getting somebody to stop behaving like this at 21 when that's what's in their heart, very low. That's all I'm saying. Have a conversation. You owe it to yourself. But also be prepared for it to not go the way you want. And, you know, that's all it... And then if it doesn't go the way you want...

Get a little twisted. Just get a couple of twisted. One can of every flavor. Try that out. Get the variety pack. It's good. Drink it responsibly. Perfect for game day or a nice kickback with friends. Or just alone at home. Yeah, yeah. Whatever it is. Just make sure. Just remember, buddy.

Keep it twisted. All right. That ought to do it for the keep it twisted, twisted question of the week or day or whatever the fuck the name is. That was a beautiful, like, drop right there. Thanks, man. Yeah, we do. You know, we got it down to science. So that was, yeah, that guy's... He's toast. He's fucked. Keep it twisted. Hey!

Hey, Savi. Hey, Elvis. Hey, esteemed guests. I am dating a wonderful woman. She is a smart, generous, loving, caring patient. But the only issue is she is extremely sensitive and on the more jealous and insecure side of things. If I breathe in the wrong direction or say hi to a woman the wrong way,

she'll get upset and we'll have the conversation about it and she wants me to validate her feelings and i genuinely don't know how i'm supposed to validate feelings

when I think they're dumb. Like, I know that's awful to say, but how do I validate someone's feelings when I can't empathize with what their reaction was? For example, there was a girl dressed in a costume with a bunch of friends. I complimented the entire group, not just her, but because I complimented even a woman on their, like, group costume, we had to have a conversation about it. And...

I'm of the opinion that it's okay to have these feelings, but I don't think it's important to have a conversation on every small feeling that you have because now when there is something that we need to talk about, and I do need to validate her feelings about a real situation or a bigger situation,

Wow, this fucking guy. Of course, they just... I mean, we're not your fucking girlfriend.

Relax with the therapy language, man. I've told people every time you call in, we're your defense attorney. You have to tell us the truth. Don't come at me with your stupid bullshit half. This is clearly, he's just talking at us the way he would talk to his girlfriend. Yeah, he is. And also, your whole attitude is atrocious, but let's finish up.

is everything about the way he's talking about this pisses me off i'm on her side already just by how he's behaving and just his cadence is pissing me off but let's finish it i wonder way on me heavily and i'm starting to think it may not be uh the best for a successful long-term relationship i'm wondering if i just give it more time or a fairly new relationship under six months um well i'll just say five months um

Thank you. And I'm wondering if over time she'll become more secure in the relationship. She doesn't like any interaction with any other women. I know a lot of us porn, no strip clubs, and even clubs with bottle girls. Porn? Become an issue at a point. Wait, how many fucking clubs with bottle girls are you going to? Is there an opportunity for this to get better or is this going to get worse? Thanks, guys.

This is fascinating because he sucks. I mean, he's a fucking piece of shit, but she also sounds like a nightmare. It's really hard to understand what's going on here because we have a very unreliable narrator here yet again, where I'm not taking anything he's saying with, you know, at face value, but also they've been together five months and he's already talking about, he's not allowed to go to strip clubs. Okay. Then he says, not even clubs with bottle girls.

As that becomes an issue at a point, how many times in five months, how many times in a five month period, how many times you go into strip clubs or bottle service? I know. How is this an issue in your life? And maybe she has a point if it starts with you're in a strip club every week. Anyway, this is fucking insane. Yeah. Yeah.

unless this is like antonio brown or something i mean this guy's like he's got to be either football or basketball professional right right right to get away with this kind of yeah

You know, girls are like, yeah, they go to strip clubs all the time. They go to a bottle club. Otherwise... Yeah, by yourself? Humongous balls. I know, dude. It's like nothing... You both sound horrible is kind of what it comes down to. She could be over... Now, she's saying he's not allowed to watch porn. That's psychotic. Well, five months in a relationship, he shouldn't be watching porn yet. But the fact there's a hard rule about... The fact that that's been discussed...

I'm with you in the in the you know honeymoon phase of a relationship you will naturally watch less porn but if your girlfriend sits you down and says and now that we are official no pornography that's weird

You know what I mean? Like, what, my girlfriend's going to yell at me if I watch porn four months into a relationship? But as you said, this whole thing feels false somehow. Yeah. There's something strange going on here. There is. There is something very strange. I don't know what it is, but there's something odd about him and this relationship. It just doesn't ring...

ring true in some way. Yeah. Unless he's just, he wants help from you to gaslight her. Right, right. Which I guess most of these letters, that's what they want. That's their motive. No, you're absolutely right because he starts with the therapy language and then it's like, and I'm not even allowed to go to strip clubs or bottle service clubs. I mean... Yeah. And then I'm very dubious of his example of the group cost. It's like,

That sounds so like a out of context couple fight where it's like, it makes no sense to anyone but the two people involved. Well, yeah. Where it's like, what are you talking about? I'll tell you what it is. Some young girls are walking by in their Catholic uniform, say, this pervert. Yeah. Like that meme turns around and says, hey girls, they really want them shorter these days, huh? Yeah.

The church is really lenient. And she's like, stop it. He's like, whoa. Whoa. You're trying to get me to empathize with your position, but I simply don't have the emotional capacity right now. Yeah. I wonder what these costumes were. It's not a Halloween, post-Halloween crime. Yes, yes. So whatever, man. No, this isn't going to work. And I don't know whose fault it is, but it's definitely not going to work. I'll tell you one thing. What?

We know one thing. You're up to something. Yeah, you definitely are up to no good. You can fool her. You can not fool us. You can fool everyone with some language. You're probably really good looking. You're up to something. You're up to something. And you know it and we know it. And you know it. Yeah, exactly. That's what we take away from this. You just change your ways, whatever they are. Stop it right now. But we know you're up to something. We don't know what they are. We don't know the details, but no more.

All right, any non-perverts out there? What do you got? Are you going to go through? What do we got here? Go ahead. All right, stop. I hope this is not on a Patreon episode because I don't fucking care. Fuck you up. But I want to talk about moderation. I work in a bar. You know, I'm smoking cigs. I'm doing exercise.

curriculars I'm drinking and I just like what is your advice I'm just kind of like not x-ing out because I feel like that's kind of unhealthy to like totally mix something but just to kind of like chill out and like have fun but not like take it to the nth degree and I feel like I've been kind of doing that what are you talking about love to hear the advice love the show chill out in one moderation yeah

Just life in general, chill out. He's saying he's at a bar. He's basically like, how can I do just a little pills? How can I, you know what I mean? It's like, that's not how it works, brother. You know it. You know it. We know it. Come on. We've got a lot of delusion on the show today. That's a good one. I'm drinking and I just like, what is your advice on kind of not acting out?

because that's unhealthy. Right. But just chilling out. You know if you're a guy who can do that. How old are you, right? I mean, he didn't say how old he was, but you work at a bar. I mean...

One thing I've learned is that your willpower sometimes is only as strong as your location. And for me, I had to spend a lot of time. I literally went to Baltimore for a few months, wasn't near any temptation. And I've been sober for, I want to do a sober year. It's been going good. I was eating clean. And then the last month, I'm back in New York. I'm doing gigs. I'm traveling.

I mean, I'm still sober, but the eating has been shitty. And it's like, buddy, you work at a bar. What's your life look like? If you work in a situation where it's that tough, I don't know that you can toe the line like that. Well, but it depends on the bar. I worked at bars when I was sober. Really? Yeah, I was a bartender. But it depends on the bar. But that's also a good point. You were sober. You weren't like, I'll have three. You know what I mean? It depends on the bar, yeah. I just think the idea of the...

Anyone talking about moderation to this degree isn't someone who can do moderation. And by the way, yeah. And not only that, but guess what? Everyone knows nobody, the bartender's not supposed to drink. And he's not supposed to do drugs. Yeah. I think personally, here's my take on the situation.

Just keep doing it until your life gets bad and then go sober. You're young, you work at a bar, it's a fun time. No one who works at a bar does it. It's not your career, probably. It might be some people, but... Yeah, your problem is psychological. You've got to...

Join Patreon. Yeah. That's the thing. You're showing too much moderation in how you look at this podcast. You need to commit fully. And until you fully commit to things like being a fan of a podcast, your career, whatever it is, I'm just random, you know, random examples here. You won't be able to fix your life at all. No. Okay. We didn't have enough information.

I feel like you can cook up a nice banger for us here, Aldous. What do we got? Something to really sink our teeth into. I saw one that had a couple of curses. It said, I'll you out, pain in, idiot. I don't know who that was. Sounds like they have a grudge. Hey, Scott. Hey, Aldous. I love you guys. But yeah, I'll just get into my questions. So I really would love your honest feedback with this. And I am fully prepared.

For you guys to say what a crazy bitch I am for complaining about this. But anyways, so like most couples, my husband and I send each other memes and TikToks and Instagram reels and whatever. And...

I noticed that my husband like never responds or likes the stuff I send him. And, um, the last like few days are kind of like been asking him, why don't you like the stuff I send you? Um, and I kind of lost my cool and, um, I,

you know, told him this last time that it really hurts my feelings when he doesn't like the stuff I send him or respond to it. And, um,

I mean, it does obviously go deeper. As a woman, I'm thinking, you don't love me. You don't think I'm funny. But anyways, his response was, well, people send me a lot of stuff. I don't always have time to get to it. Holy shit. That's incredible. Wow.

Hey, come on. My fucking inbox is out of control. You want me to send a fucking like to everyone who sends me a meme? Oh, man, that's awesome.

Yeah, that was not what I wanted to hear. I feel like I am a pretty funny person. And also, I'm not like a ball buster type wife. I am very supportive of anything and everything he wants to do. I ask for very little. And yeah, it does hurt my feelings when you don't respond to the stuff I send you or think that it's funny. But yeah.

Yes, Bob. Tell me what you really think. Am I crazy? Is this a valid reason to be upset? I love you guys. Thanks. Bye. Incredible stuff here.

People send me a lot of stuff. It's so, so good when your wife is that mad at you. I mean, there's a couple different issues here. And this could be, you know, it is very funny, but it is a potential canary in the coal mine situation. Yeah, sure. Where it's like, look, it's memes, whatever, but if your wife was texting you and you just didn't respond...

If she texts you 10 times in a row, that would be weird. The fact that it's like memes is like, okay, even if it's a little annoying, it's just a weird, rude thing to do to your wife. I've certainly been in group chats with friends that abuse the meme thing, and it's like, you just stop responding. That's right. For somebody you don't know that much, yeah, I'm done. It's his fucking wife. He's got to do a little something here and there.

He's got to hit her even a charity LOL every once in a while, even if you don't mean it. I mean, this is... It's hard. I mean, you know. It is weird because it's on the surface very frivolous, but I get why her feelings are hurt in a weird way. Of course. If somebody did that to me, I'd be pissed. Yeah.

And I'm a professional. Yeah. Right. You know, this guy, you're right. He's being either... He's being a hostile prick, passive-aggressive prick. Mm-hmm.

Or she sends 50 of these a day and she's a psychopath. It's true. And she's got the hackiest taste. That's the other part. And it's shit that you see all goddamn day. And he's like, honey. Yes. We've discussed this. I see this shit all day. I don't need to fucking see the Rizzler anymore. He's funny. I like the Rizzler. I liked him the first five times. I don't need to see him, you know, fucking review Cool Ranch Doritos. It's not that interesting to me. Well,

I don't need to know how many booms the new McFlurry gets. The limited edition Halloween McFlurry got four booms. But that's not necessary to me right now. Now, there is two separate things here, though, right? One is simply responding to someone that you care about. And the other one was...

And she's like, I feel like you don't love me, whatever. But the second one was, I feel like you think I'm not funny. Right. That, that. And I'm not going to take the hack easy way approach here. Right. I am just going to say it is possible your tastes differ. That's right. Your tastes and humor differ. That's right. So him ignoring you is rude. Yeah. You, but you like take, like,

Okay, you guys been married for a while. Do you have the same taste? If you do, if you think you find the same stuff funny, then forget what I'm saying. But if you know that certain things you differ in, you're going to have to, I think there's a little compromise here where it's like, you can't live or die by if he thinks you're funny or not. Right. And he can't totally ignore you. You have to, your super valid point here is you're ignoring me.

But I'm a funny person, and I got news for you. Finding memes is not being funny. That's correct. That's not being a funny person. I'm not even saying you're not funny. But I wouldn't let this affect how his judgment of somebody calling you funny. That's a completely different skill set. Well, yeah. And I mean, some memes, look, I remember I sent a meme to a group text to...

Keith, Voss, Norton, Bobby, and they started calling me a hack for putting out a meme. But I felt it was very appropriate to the situation and funny. So I'm taking her side. And just the fact that these fucking troglodytes had the nerve to call me a hack, it barely affected me. It's not like I'm like, hey, maybe I am a hack. I just sat there like, okay, fellas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know?

But I'm saying so, you know, so sometimes a meme can be, if it's appropriate to what you're talking about, but we don't know how many, she has to write back and say how many times a day this is happening and show some of the memes to us. And then we have to see maybe he's not funny.

and he doesn't get it that's a very possible he could not be funny but it sounds like it's a hard problem just the fact that he responded by going people send me stuff all day people send me stuff all day he's crazy he's a little annoyed by all his friends because you know how it is like you said you put a group text and people start sending memes it's too much you've seen them you've seen them it's too much

Do you have a memes relationship with your wife, Eldis? We definitely send stuff back and forth a lot. I've sort of gotten a little shit like this before because she'll send like six or something and then, you know, I won't get to them for like a day or two because I am busy. I do get a lot of memes.

That's so fucking awesome to be talking theoretically and then we have this exact situation right here. No, she doesn't really care that much, but I don't know. I feel like with the memes, you can't just send someone 10...

ten memes in a row and expect them to look at every single one. That's right. You have to pick your spots. Sometimes when I send, especially when I'm sending a lot, it's like, I know I've got to put a little caption with each of these. Add your own zinger. Personalize it. That'll encourage the person to click on it. A little thought. It's a little ruder to like. That's a dangerous assignment. It's true, but there's a little more

of your own funny skills. Your personal life. Wait a minute. You guys are missing the point of my little stupid point. Yeah. Which is, if a meme fits the situation. Right. Right, right, right, right. Now I realize what I was saying. I was going to send one to those four idiots, but...

If a meme fits perfectly in what's going on, that's humor. Those four people really understand the internet. The guys you're talking about. They probably don't even fucking... They missed it completely. So that's what I'm saying. I'm saying if it fits the situation, it's perfect. But I think, yes, basically, either way you slice it, if you want to just do it when it's completely appropriate, like Colin's saying, or...

In either way, you have to turn down your amount that you're sending without question. Without question, you're overdoing it a little bit. He's being rude. The truth is somewhere in the middle here. But Eldridge is also right that if you're going to send them...

They gotta, you gotta add a little something to them. Don't just send 10 things you laughed at. Right. Because there's no, that means nothing. Yeah, exactly. You're being lazy here. You're being kind of lazy if you're just sending 10 memes. Just the highlights, please. Or, like Colin said, if you're talking about something, be like, wow, this fucking bird looks, is acting just like Sheila. You know, whatever the fuck. I mean, that's how stupid what we're talking about is. Yeah. Yeah.

But, you know, don't get your, like, it is good to have this conversation, but you have to think about what it's really about, and you have to think, am I overdoing it? But you seem nice. And, yeah, if she's like, you know, sending him like some gooey, he's operating a pneumatic drill with his buddies, and she's saying, isn't this funny? This is what I tell you about my friends at the bachelorette party. Yeah.

Here's where you really test him. Start sending him fucking wild shit. Yeah. Start sending him, like, you know, conspiracy theory memes. Right. You know what I mean? See if he's paying attention. Then you know if he's tuning you out or not. It could be a lot worse if you're sending him, like, you know, tit pics and he goes, people send me shit all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's the response to them? Ooh, that would be funny, though. Send a titty pic in between two memes. Yeah. See if he gets to them. Yeah.

That's interesting. All right, we gave you a couple homework assignments. Good luck out there. Hi, Stav. Hey, Eldest. Big fan. Long-time listener. First-time caller. I have a bit of like this situation with a coworker.

I'm kind of getting the vibe that she's sort of interested in me romantically, which is fine, but if that's the case, I do not share that interest. I'm thinking that just because for the past couple months, you know, we have each other's numbers for work purposes, but she's kind of been making small talk and texting me randomly asking if I have any fun plans on the weekend.

And it's kind of just been, you know, it's been a lot of that. And yeah, I'm just not, if that's the case, I'm not really interested in it that way. I do want to be friends for context. I'm an elementary school teacher, work with almost no men, obviously, you know, mostly women and also mostly older and

leaning a bit conservative, which is fine, not really, you know, my type of people. So I don't have a lot of friends that work, but, you know, I would consider this woman a friend and I want to stay friends with her. So I'm not sure how to approach this and avoid any awkwardness. And yeah, if I'm sending any wrong messages or if I'm going to have to address this at some point or ignore it. So any advice you have, I really appreciate it. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Wow, this guy convinced that juicy prick is going to lose him a friend. This is crazy. I mean, has she said... I mean, I get that she's... It is possible that she's being nice. You know what I mean? This hasn't... She hasn't asked you out or anything like that. I don't think you have anything to do now. Just you have to be ready if she tries to... If she tries to switch it up, you have to be ready to support your position and...

And, you know, maybe bring up a fake person you're dating or something like that. You know, get her off the scent. You get to be the hot girl that friend zones the nerd at work now. It's nice. I'm sure a change of pace for you. But I don't think it's an issue yet. I don't know. I mean, she hasn't made a big deal of it. She's just texting you. So maybe if you do hang out outside of work, it's only friend situations. But, you know...

This is one of the nice things about being a man in our society. This isn't a dangerous situation for you. This woman's not going to stalk you and, you know, follow you home if you, you know, reject her. Probably. I don't know. Who knows? You might be small. She might be large. But I don't think it's a big deal. What do you think? Yeah, I mean, first of all, if you think you're going to have a civilized conversation where you go, I still want to keep you as a friend, you're living in a dream world. You may...

You've already made an enemy for life by not begging to begin with. So don't give yourself...

There's no getting away from this with you looking like a nice guy. Just know that. Yeah, this woman... Just tell her you're on OCD medicine and you can't come. That's a good point. Yeah, lady, look. The tap is shut off. Yeah. I like what you said, which is make up either a fake relationship or make up a fake...

You know? Something that's half psychological and half STD related. Ooh, a nice 50-50 split. I just keep away from her. It is interesting, though, because making up a fake relationship...

If her behavior towards you changes, then you know she is trying to fight you. She is interested in what fun things you're doing this weekend. That's the tell right there. Probably, yes. What are you doing this weekend? You're right. I'm just saying you've got to do her due diligence here. You know, it's like we just have to rule out all causes. This could just be a friendly woman. She's not friendly. She could be a foreigner, doesn't know American. You know what I mean?

Baltimore City Public Schools has a lot of Filipinos that they bring in to teach. Oh, is it New York? Huh?

Is this New York? Oh, I don't know where this is from. No, I was just guessing. I'm just saying, I have friends who work in schools, a lot of overly friendly foreigners trying to make American friends. Yeah, but they... Yeah, that's a good one. You're probably right. She could be lonely, but I think it's... You're probably right. You know, just we still got to run the tests. But even the fact that he goes, she might be attracted to me, which is fine. It's like... I mean, what's going on here is this woman's ugly. Yeah.

I mean, that's what's happening. This guy's not fucking... Like, that's all there is to this question. You're not bucking. Yeah. But also, you seem very detached from the whole relationship thing. I think you might be asexual. Again, yeah, that's impossible. Again, I'm not going to rule anything out.

But I do feel strongly he just doesn't want to fuck her at all. And if he did, even for... If there was even one element of him that wanted... No, there wasn't. One thing he found attractive, this would be, hey, how do I break up with someone at work without my boss finding out and me getting fired? If she was hot, that's the question we're answering. By the way, I know it's not New York City. He said all the other women are older conservative teachers. Yeah, yeah. New York City? Come on. Yeah. And first of all, he's chatting away on the phone with her.

You can't be chatting with some girl and expect her not to get attached to you. Are they talking or are they texting? I think he said she sends, like, texts. Okay. Either way. Either way, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's texting. That's a relationship. I think you're right. I'm just saying you never know. But, yes, you're fine. I'm kind of getting the vibe. Yeah, he's got it. You're fine. Just fucking make up a girlfriend. Yeah, make up a girlfriend or a boyfriend or something. Yeah.

oh, that's lying, but whatever. Fuck this guy. He's right. He's got to put a stop to it. Yeah. It's about to get ugly. It's already gotten ugly. In her mind. Now, I will say, if she is unattractive, this is another unfortunate reality of the world we live in. Oh, yeah. Ugly women are beaten down by society so much. That's right. If he rejects her, she might just be like, okay, ha, ha, ha, ha. You know what I mean? Brutal but true. In a way. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

In a way that a disgruntled man might take, you know, might be violent. Well, guys are all like, she doesn't want me yet. Fucking bitch. It's unbelievable. All right. So hopefully the patriarchy is your friend in this, my friend. Hey, Savvy. I'm just curious what you think an appropriate timeline would be for...

A couple in their early 30s who are together, what an appropriate timeline is to move in together, engaged.

married and obviously going to various not catch all there's people who've been together for a week move in get married last forever there's people who've been together for like six years and then it doesn't work out but just your personal opinion and also your guest's opinion what you think an appropriate timeline for those relationship landmarks okay hope the podcast will be worth it

- Has there ever been a clearer question of what the subtext of a question is? Has it ever been clearer that this woman, whose loser boyfriend loves me, right? She doesn't listen to the show.

They've been fighting about moving in together. She's like, okay, let's see what your fucking idiot podcast host has to say about it. This guy's sitting in the chair next to her. He's just like, please stop, please stop, please stop, please stop. Don't say what she thinks. Don't say what she thinks. When this comes out, it's going to be the tensest moment in this relationship ever.

They're just waiting for it to drop like it's a fucking bomb. Everybody else is waiting for the election. They're waiting for this. Wow. This is their election, yeah. This is it. This is it. This is epic. Decision 2024. Do I ask her to marry me or do we break up?

Okay, couple in their 30s who are together. What an appropriate timeline is to move in together and get... You're asking... See, here's where you fucked up, lady. And I'm sorry, I'm not going to assume you don't listen to the show. Maybe you're a good friend, a good fan of the show, whatever. You fucked up because you were asking me, one of the most emotionally immature men in America. Yeah.

And even my friend here who isn't a happy relationship, like you guys dated a long time. Yeah. I mean, you met when you were younger, but still. Yeah. I waited a while. And it was pretty clear you were going to end up together, but you just had that weird, we have a, you don't have the disease as bad as I do, but the just like, I don't know. Yeah. There's, I mean, you know.

Yes, I think men in general skew a little, you know, well, we're together. What's the big rush to get married? We're going to end up married. Oh, we got to get the freaking government. And now all of a sudden everybody's a libertarian when it comes to fucking getting married. They're like, what do we need paperwork to show our love? Okay, I don't know. I mean, early 30s.

See, I feel like in general, if you ask like a single guy in his 30s and a single girl in their 30s, their answers will be pretty far apart. What do you think the guy would say to get, okay, to move in together? I'm saying two years minimum just to move in. And then from moving into engagement, I guess could happen within that year.

And then married another year, four or five years. I don't know. Yeah. Probably not what she wants to hear. I don't fucking know. I feel like in general, women in their 30s would be like, you should know you're moving by a year when you're dating in your 30s. And maybe you're engaged by like two years. But I'm such a boy. I'm just a boy still. I'm just a young boy. I know. Yeah.

She's not going to get the answer she wants on the record here, unfortunately. Well, who knows? Maybe we're being misogynist. Maybe it's flipped. Maybe this guy really wants it. I'm sure that's what it is. I'm sure a fan of this podcast really wants to commit, but the hot woman he's with doesn't want to. I don't know. Any thoughts on this, Colin, before I have a couple other ideas? Sure. I mean, we all know that, like you said, it's like...

It's like Chris Rock's joke. Remember he did a joke years ago about, he goes, women, after three dates, they're like, why are we bullshitting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I mean, that's basically it. This guy's stalling for time. We all know the drill. We've all been pieces of shit our whole lives.

The more you let them get away with, the more they get away with. And you really have to. The bottom line is she's going to have to just lower the boom in a loving way and say, listen, I understand this is not, you know what I mean? Yeah. She just has to tell them, you know, a lot of people say, hey, I'm going to break up. I don't even agree with that because sometimes the guy wants you to do that. Right. Even though he'll regret it in the long run. So I think she needs to just be alpha and just go, listen,

Whatever Stav says, whatever anyone says, we're not just moving in together. We're moving together. We're getting engaged and we're setting a date for marriage. It's happening. Yeah. And if you try to get out of it, you're going to regret it.

and i'm going to have a couple of kids this is happening yeah after the second kid you can decide whether you want to continue or not but if you try to get out of it there will be a price i think threats is the only threat is the only way that is true that honestly would work on me in the old days the culture would threaten you guys of course your mother would say it

And you'd be like, ah, my mother, the women in the family would say it. And then the men would shock you and go, hey, you hear what they said to you? You're getting married. Get married. And you're like, what the fuck? Or you'd be shunned from the family and friend circle. Yeah, well, the men would be like, get married and fucking get a girlfriend. They'd be like, what are you doing? They're like, you're doing this because they understood the importance of community. Of course, the scene in Goodfellas where he's like, you got to go. Right.

You gotta go back. I can't have it. Robert Deere's like, it's annoying me. You can't be here. It's like, at least there was the facade of a happy family. But I will, okay, so we gave you the answer you didn't want to hear. But I also, at first, but I will also say, I could see...

I mean, being in your 30s, like, I could see a scenario where I've been a procrastinator my whole life. I always wait till the last second. I could see being in a serious relationship in the next year or two and really...

Really jump in the timeline just because I'm at the point in my life where I'm like, what am I doing? I don't want to live like a fucking kid anymore So if I find somebody I really connect with I could see I just said five years I could see it happening in a year or two honestly, you know I just it just is case by case clearly. That's not what's happening here with them But I think you know, I just wanted to give her a little ray of hope of like yeah I could also see it being very fast and

Because, I don't know. That's always how I've done everything in my life. I just feel like any delay is just, we all know, we all feel it all the time. Yeah. Just, you know what I mean? It's like saying I'm going to join the gym in a year. You know what I mean? Either you join the gym or you don't.

She's got to lay down the law. I've done that before. I've worked my way up to join the gym. He's living in that magic imaginary place that we all love. Yeah. You know what I mean? And she's like biological imperative. Yeah, yeah. And she's got to, you know, she's got to say, listen, you know,

Not only is this happening, it's not a question of breaking up. You have no choice. I love that. I didn't even consider that because you're right. A coward, certainly like this, like myself, would love the out. You just don't want responsibility, whether it's marriage or content. It's like, oh, this is awesome. I don't have to worry anymore. She doesn't understand. Yeah, yeah. You said the perfect word. Yeah.

Your boyfriend's a coward. He's a pure coward without question. Without question. It's time for you to lower the bull. This is nothing but cowardice and he can be controlled easier than you think. He needs to be bullied. He needs to be bullied. I would love that. That's my dream. Yeah. A hot woman forcing me to marry her. That's right. I'm putting it on my vision board. That's how they used to do it. Everybody...

It was like, this is what's happening. If you don't want it, go live somewhere else. Yes, yes, yes. Go to the... They would say, go get that magic apartment in Manhattan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who that is. For a year. We'll see. All right. You got something good for us to go out on here, Elders? We've already taken enough of Colin's time. Where's the one where the Albanian was calling you a dumb Albanian? I don't know. A lot of them start like that.

i should have known elvis is one of those real albanian names you know what i mean yes elvis is albanians and puerto rican's like like those exotic names from the old days it's el dis with a it's a mix of two women yeah but you know that's nice it sounds like uh it sounds like it

Well, Stavi, a longtime fan, just took a girl out to see Let's Start a Cult. Thank you for the film. That was fantastic. I thought it was a lot funnier than she did, but I got a B-drafter. So just wanted to give you a shout out. Appreciate it. Thank you for that and laugh. Peace.

Great question, man. Thanks for seeing the movie. I'm happy you got your dick sucked at the end of the movie. Have you gotten anybody telling you they've gotten hit after T and Stamps? Fire up the YouTube special. Get your dick sucked, folks. Learn about the election. Well, that's nice. I like to hear that this guy got sucked off after going to the movie. That's the kind of thing I'm trying to bring back entertainment-wise, but...

All right, well, Let's Start a Cult will be in VOD. It probably is out by now. I don't fucking know. And watch Colin Special. It's on YouTube right now for free. And all the one-man shows. I mean, I'm a big fan of all the one-man shows. I went to the New York Story. I went to the... I think it was... I think I saw it. I don't know where it was, but it was like a nice, a fun... I don't know if it was the...

when it opened the opening night well I'll save you the trouble of my one Greek friend Tina who's also from MTV she goes you really can't do the Greek accent I was like I know it wasn't good that is true I go I know but it's a great I mean I

I love the, you know, we got into, we didn't have enough time to talk about everything, but I do love all the one-man shows and I do love that you start with, that you're actually drilling into a topic and it's, you actually do learn stuff and if you're a big fan of whatever topic you're into, I mean,

Everybody that moves to New York loves it. So that one to me really resonated because... That was my baby, yeah. It was awesome. It was so good. I mean, they're all great. So check out the newest one. It's out right now on YouTube. We'll link to it here. And yeah, we'll see you guys next time. Colin, thanks, buddy. Thank you. Thanks, Stuff. Bye, guys. Thanks, Elvin.