#102 - Eric Rahill and Katy Fullan
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STAV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. Very special episode.

We're in a fucking another new studio. We're nomads. And we have, I'm happy to have the very funny Eric Rahill, Katie Fullen here from by now the smash indie hit. Right. Incredible. Let's start a cult. We're on People Magazine by now. Taking over the world. People are lined up. Vanity Fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. By the time this comes out, we were honestly the most famous people probably, you know, in America, I think. It's amazing.

Eric's dating Dua Lipa right now. It's fucking awesome. I'm trying it out. Yeah. She's excellent. That's so good, dude. I'm so happy for you. But there's actually a love triangle because I'm also dating her. So that's kind of drama for us. But that's what happens when you're on a rocket ship. Is that okay? Does Albania and Greece get along? No. That's the hard thing. My mom is so pissed. Yeah.

that I'm fucking Dua Lipa on the side while you also fuck her as a result of the great success of our movie Let's Start a Cult let's not let's all not lose sight of where this riff began that this movie is now super successful and

And it's, yeah, fucking, it's broken Nia Vardalos' record. She's actually legitimately riff over. I respect Nia so much because My Big Fat Greek Wedding, number one grossing, the most profitable romantic comedy of all time. Is that true? Legitimately true. Wow. Because it was, yeah, she just did it herself and it was a complete, we honestly are trying to do the My Big Fat Greek Wedding playbook with our movie. Yeah.

Yes. Eric and Katie are both in the film. They're super funny. And we just decided, you know, this is the month of getting people from the fucking movie on. We had Wes and Daniel on. Daniel told some great stories of his time of growing up in Norway or wherever the fuck. I think we either have already had or are about to have Edie and Claire on. Amazing. That'll be amazing. I love Daniel saying just anything. He sounds so good. He goes like this, wow. Yeah.

wow, that is crazy. He was opening up by the end of the pod. Was he? He was like nervous to do a pod. You should have seen the text. I had to coax him. No, Daniel. It's the hardest I've ever worked to get a guest on the podcast. He didn't want to do it. He was just like, you know, I think he was a little nervous, but he crushed it. He was so fucking funny. And he was great in the movie. We just watched the movie in theaters, in a theater with people. It was fucking sick. Right down the road. Have you guys ever watched yourselves in a, I don't know,

I've never done that. Not a feature. It feels like fucking shit, I would say. I mean, a great movie, a really fun movie, but it feels like shit watching yourself. It does feel weird because the whole time I was nervous being like, I hope that hits. But when you get a nice one, when you get a nice big laugh, that feels good. Yeah, when you're not expecting it. Totally, totally. Oh, cool. I thought that sucked, but the audience liked it. Yeah. And you're like, I don't know why. It's one of them. Yeah.

But don't listen to us. We're, you know, we can't accept love. You guys watch the movie. That's what's important. It's available to rent or purchase on VOD right now. When are you taking this shit to Dubai where the real market's going to explode? They're all lining up. We're doing a screening at the top of the bird's book.

It's amazing, man. Dude, Dubai freaks me the fuck out so much. I know, but it feels like, it freaks me out, but I can tell that if I landed there, it would feel like home immediately. Immediately walk on. That you would fit right in somehow? Shoulders relaxed. What kind of job do you think you'd have if you worked in Dubai? I think I would just be an entertainer. Oh, wow. One of the biggest white entertainers. Yeah.

One time I opened for Eddie Griffin and he, I don't know if it was Dubai or Saudi Arabia. You were over there? No, I wasn't. Oh, oh. But he was, he, like some fucking sultan or something. This is racist. It's probably a different title. Some sultan, big turban. No, no, no, no, no, no. I think it was Jasmine's father from Aladdin hired him. No. Some guy hired him, paid him like,

$200,000, whatever, a huge amount of money to do comedy at his daughter's birthday party. And it's like, this guy's 20-year-old daughter is a big Eddie Griffin fan. That can't be real. I don't know, man. I believe it. I believe it, but I can't believe that she's getting Eddie over there. She might be, dude. She might be. Wow. He's got some bangers. He was Crazy Eyes in the movie The Loser, right? You know that one, DJ Qualls? I haven't seen it.

You got to check it out. Or the new guy. The new guy. No, no. Come on. I'm sure they're amazing. Dude. Yeah, there's an Elijah Dushku trying on bikini scene that was very crucial to my upbringing as a boy. Mo's nodding his head. Super producer Mo, no mic for you.

No, he's off camera. He's too shy to be on camera, but Super Producer Mo knows it. Maybe it's because, didn't you grow up weirdly religious or something? So no jacking off for young Eric. That's not true. I was going crazy on him. Crazier than anyone's ever done. Double handers. Wow, brag. No, no, it's not bragging, it's just truth. Yeah.

No, yeah, I was getting it in. That's awesome, dude. In Seattle or somewhere around there? Yeah, north of Seattle. Washington State. I guess I didn't think of people being – I just think of the Pacific Northwest being like –

you know, fucking free spirits, not weird religious people. It's mostly atheists, but they're just small. I don't think of it as, were you Christian? Yeah, extremely Christian, yeah. Extremely Christian, that's awesome, dude. How much church are we going to? Non-stop church. I grew up going to... Wednesday Mass and shit? No, it was like evangelical. I went to evangelical school. Oh, wow. I went to church on Sunday. That was going to be my next question. That's fucking awesome. Youth group. When 9-11 happened, my teacher in fourth grade was like, the end is coming. What?

The morning of, she was like, it's time to rejoice because it means that Jesus is coming. Well, that's the craziest part. This is what they're talking about in Revelation. Those people are so fucking insane. A crazy part about, you know, we're not going to get too political here, folks, but it's so funny about how much of our fucked up policy in the Middle East is

evangelicals thinking they can trick God into coming back if Jews and Muslims are fighting in the Holy Land. Like, they literally believe that. They think once a holy war happens, God comes back. And that's so insane to think that some fucking senator from Nebraska voting for an arms bill will make, will in some way influence

the almighty God into fucking coming back is awesome. It's crazy. Yeah, I couldn't. I was ready for the rapture, too. Ha ha ha!

Were you like stoked? I wanted it to cover. I was like, but I also, it was when those Left Behind movies were coming out. Remember those? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you good either way? No, I thought I would be, because I would be crank and jerking it. And then I'd be like, this is going to keep me on earth. And I'm going to have to, I don't know, like run the household because my parents and brother got taken away. You had to close it and a pie on the ground. Ha, ha, ha.

I love the pile of clothes. It's so sad. Yeah. But you were like, I can't, there were points before you were jerking off, there were points where you're like, I'm going to heaven straight away. Like, were you pumped for heaven at any point? I would have, I don't know. I never thought I would make it because even when I was like eight, I would have dreams of like the Holy Spirit coming out of a table and,

In my living room damning me to hell I would have like dreams of Driving in our minivan And God's fist Like a cloud would turn into God's fist And like punch the fuck out of our car Laughter

killing us. I had a dream. I feel like you've seen more like death and dead bodies than I've heard. You definitely have. I'm surrounded by death. What we were doing, we were doing the movie every day you had a new story about someone who died. And I don't think there was the same story of the same dead bodies that were like. Because it was organic because we would just be like at a lake. That one line. The line in the movie that made it to the movie is something that you watched

Or you saw, you knew boys that drowned in the lake? Well, these are boys that I used to play World War II with. Like at my church? Run around shooting sticks and, you know, shooting with stick guns. One brother was drowning, the other one jumped in to try to save him, and they both got taken. Yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ. That's so, that's like, you always hear the heroic brother that saved the brother story. You don't hear the like, oh, we went 0 for 2. We couldn't keep our, we didn't cut our losses at 1. We had to fucking go 0 for 2. It was a big risk. Damn, dude. And is that why partially you were like, well, God's gonna destroy our minivan too. I think so, yeah. I was just surrounded by horror. Laughter

What's the first time you remember someone dying? What's your first memory of death? First time I remember someone dying was on a mission trip. That you were on? No, I was on... Oh my fucking God, that's awesome. How old were you? Well, this was like, the death started rolling in around 16 and it didn't stop. And basically, we went on this mission trip and this is when I started having problems with God. It was...

We went to a Native American reservation out in Montana, and the conceit was to get all these white kids to go to a powwow and pick up trash and just wear shirts that had scripture on them. And hopefully, we were hoping that we'd be noticed somewhere.

Yeah. All these white Christian kids. Yeah. We should be Christian. That's awesome. I mean, your church group is so stupid. They could not have picked a less welcoming population. No, they fucking hated us. And sometimes they'd see us and just drop trash right in front of us. Oh, no.

I mean, Native Americans, like, go to a foreign country where they can use the help. Native Americans are in a shitty place because of exactly these people. Because of fucking the youths from the 1700s. And not that far removed, like, our grandparents. Yeah. I mean...

Incredible. But we would host shit at the church in the area, and we got close with these two kids. And on the second to last night of the trip, they got in a drunk driving accident, both dead. Wow. And they woke us up in these tents in the middle of the night. And the youth pastor did. We got summoned into the church. And he goes like, so just so you know, Tony and Mike passed away tonight in a car accident. And they're like, but he's like,

You know, it might be hard to hear this, but that's God's plan. Oh! And that's going to be bringing a lot of people to the church. And, you know, people will be, oh, right. Yeah, so we're excited for this. God was the one who put that much Bacardi 151 in the system. Tech 9 blasting on the Acura Integra. God was the one who let them find some Alizé in the bushes. Oh, yeah.

Fucking take it to the dome. It's awful, yeah. And literally I became atheist so fucking fast right after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about any religion over there? Not at all. None. I mean, my mom is Catholic, so she's like, you know, guilt tripping. Sure. Stuff like that. Classic guilt stuff. Yeah, the best of it is we talked a lot. I feel like you and I talked a lot about this, making the movie. My dad. Yes. Similar dads. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, my dad didn't like religion, and he would say that he was God. Yeah.

as far as I was concerned. I love that. Oh, wow. That's power. That is power. So that's what I thought. Yeah. My dad, I never bought any of his claiming he was, but he was very similar in that he was just, the reason it felt like he had a family was because he needed one place where people were forced to respect him. They had to do everything. By like law. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And economic control. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, my dad one time was like, he was like,

I don't remember exactly what led into it, but he was like, oh, I went to the, I was like, what do you even, you don't even know what the fuck you're talking, he was like, with that age where you're like, I actually think you're not smart. I've learned enough of the world, and I'm pretty sure you're wrong. And he was like, yeah, I didn't need to go to no fancy university. I went to the University of the Streets.

My dad was always saying stuff like that. Even with nutrition, he'd be like, no, doctors don't know. He was early in that movement where doctors don't know what they're talking about. Your brain needs fat. That's awesome. So you need to have whole milk on it. What's he on right now? What was his vaccine stance? Not vaccinated. Nice. Not vaccinated at all. None of them are. Respect? Yeah, I was surprised by that. Yeah. But, um...

Yeah, we don't surprisingly... My dad was also pretty like... And my dad has no... See, the thing is, your dad had some weird... I don't know where my dad not wanting to get vaccinated came from, but he was, I mean, probably just... Because I'm pretty sure my dad has every other vaccination. Yeah, yeah. I don't know why this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, my dad... And he would like...

There was a period of time where it was like, and all his friends are insanely unhealthy Greek men. Half of them were in the hospital. Like half of them literally were on incubators and shit or whatever the fuck, what the fuck are those shits called? Is it an intubator?

Michaelis Moe says yes. Yeah, the man of mystery, Michaelis Moe. I like this. Little theater of the mind. You guys fill in, what's Moe look like? You know what I mean? This is good for us. I'll just say he's sexy as fuck. He's a fucking piece of ass. And God didn't want him here. We talked about that early on. He was a two-day birth. No, he had to fight every second. 48-hour birth. Had a hole in his fucking lungs. Breach. Yeah. Cord wrapped around. Fucked his mom's pussy all up. Fuck.

48 hours of pushing. That's all right, man. It's all worth it. As we said before, it's all worth it to bring us this beautiful podcast space. This wouldn't be possible if Mo's mother didn't suffer. She suffered for this, folks, so share the link. Smash the like button. Please, God. Please, God.

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You could if you were just a dumb kid who... Like, my dad's whole thing about religion was like, he didn't really... He's just like, this is what you have to do kind of thing. But I just...

You go to church, you're like, why would I doubt what people are telling me? This is fucking... Right. And you're smelling incense. It's kind of trippy. Damn, you had the ritual. Oh, dude, I was an altar boy. You had, like, the swinging thing, right? Doing this shit. And I remember being in, like, Easter services. Yeah. Because we were, you know, we would go, like, to Sunday school. Oh, my gosh. All dressed up? Dressed up. Wow. So cute. But I remember Easter...

All week there's church, and as an altar boy, that was like, you want to get that? That's a plum assignment, right? Because you felt good having that responsibility? It was a couple things. It was like, I still really believe that some shit was real, even though they really didn't teach us

or anything. It was more just like, just listen to God kind of shit. Like I don't have any, like other people that grew up kind of more religious, like I'm sure you know so many verses and shit like that. I did. I lost a mom in the old time. Do you know all the songs? Like did you sing all those like creepy Christian songs? Oh, a hell of them. Oh yeah? I used to have to go sing Christian hymns in a nursing home. That was actually the first time I ever saw death. He's singing to a dying man. He passed away like while we were in the room with him.

That's beautiful. What the fuck? How old were you? Nine, eight or nine. Do you remember the song? Yeah. It's like, joy, joy. How does the song go? My heart is full of joy. Joy, joy, joy. Shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go into the Alzheimer's wing singing these things, and these people are, you know, it's being taken by that mental illness. Of course. Disease. And...

But then they hear that and they come back. It's like they're 30, you know, 25 years old again and they're singing it. It was so scary. Oh, because this is like a church? It was a Christian nursing home. Interesting. Yeah, called Krista. Krista. Ministries. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. Very nice. Yeah, and they just popped back up. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're back in. Whew.

Damn. What do you think they were up to? Huh? Oh, up in there? Yeah. I don't know. You think they got up to anything freaky? I bet they did. That's what they say. I think they go crazy at that age. What about the Christian one, though? You think the Christian one got freaky? I think at that age, there's no more sin. You can't sin anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fair game. After 90, there should be no more sin. Right, right. I agree. It would be fun if, like, old people were just committing crimes on the way out. Why not? Why not? Yeah. Yeah.

That is... Yeah, that's so fucking funny. The evangelical shit is so crazy, but I remember being like...

Being in... Oh, yeah, the Easter thing. You wanted that assignment because if you felt... First of all, I was a show-off, and it's like everyone goes to Easter service, so it's like you're fucking... Everybody's just like... You're holding the fucking... You've got the most people there. You're holding the little thing. You're looking fucking sick. What is it, like a scepter or a chalice? Yeah, so it would be like... Okay, actually, this is good. Let's break it down. There would be like the two little lanterns. It would be like... It actually was like there was...

three levels of shit you could hold and we would frame the priest, right? He'd come out, fucking big ass book and then the little dick shit is the like lantern, right? Little kids get the lantern, fuck that shit. Then there's like

I don't know, some kind of fan, golden, kind of like a halo type shit, metal thing. That's pretty good. That's a nice assignment to have. And then the last one, when you really swing your dick around, is the cross. Only one cross. Only one cross, and it goes on the right, you know, the right of, I literally don't remember, probably the right side. And so that, you're really on an island there.

Because it's two pairs of guys. Then there's the cross guy. When I was the cross guy for Easter, you know. How did you get that cross? What did you have to do to get that? Paid my dues, dude. Stuck around. Chilling. You know what I mean? Went to the ones no one wanted to. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. They're early, leaving late, you know. But the nice thing is, and even, listen, even the halo's not bad. Look, Easter service, just to be on the starting team is an honor. Would you?

Did you feel like when you were a kid, did you, like, were you embracing it and actually believing these things? Or were you, like, performing, like... It was definitely a mix. Like, that's the thing that was weird. It was a mix of... I just loved... You love the attention. The attention, yeah. Eyes on you. But also, it's like, they're telling you this is...

God, right? And you're like, damn, sick. And also when you, there was like, I had some, like, my aunt who I loved passed away when I was like too young to question shit. So for a while I was like, well, the only way I get to fucking see my aunt again is if God's real and I'm like, you know what I mean? Like, so there's like a little element of that. And I remember being like in Easter and

being like smelling incense and shit and kind of like trying to be like, oh fuck, I feel the whole, like trying to trick myself into, and for moments I was like, I did feel kind of like, oh,

a special kind of like weird vibe but it's like that's probably in your head you know what I mean but how do you know as a kid and yeah and then also I hate that as the older I get I start believing in shit like energy you know what I mean like I hate that because it's true I fucking hate that I but like a room full like in a church packed as shit people praying I do think there was something going on there's gotta

There's got to be a little brainwave-wise. I think any time a group of people get together, you know, there's like... So I'm in there and I'm like trying to be like, hell yeah, that's God. What I'm feeling right now is God. But then the other part of it is like in the altar, it's you and your boys. Most of, like everyone else is at church having to fucking be quiet and shit. And we couldn't talk loud, but it's like you and your boys in like our Greek communion place.

is actual bread. It's not crackers. So it's like they would have a big ass loaf and they would cut this, they would make just perfect square pieces. So you get all the trimmings of the bread. So we're just eating fucking, we're just fucking munching bread cores. Brotherhood. Just fucking around. Yeah. Trying to get the person to get in trouble. You know what I mean? It's like the hardest you'll ever laugh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

tripping someone and he goes... When someone's getting mad and you keep laughing, that's a bad feeling. And then the old guy, there's like some like devoutly like priest's helper guy. Yeah. And the deacon, there was like this fucking like, this poor guy who was just some fat guy that no one respects. I mean, the priest was fat as shit. I was fat. Half the altar boys were fat. But this guy's that kind of pathetic, traditional fat guy of like just weak...

Had like, had narcolepsy. Had narcolepsy so he would just be talking to you and then just go like. The narcoleptic deacon? Yeah, yeah. Just fucking with him was awesome. Yeah. We had another deacon that stole from the church. There's always one. There's always at least one. It was awesome. But yeah, anyway, all that to say was that, yeah, and then like a really, like one of the

Truly only good people that I grew up around got like inoperable brain cancer like nine months before his grandson was about to be born. Or like, you know, like as soon as his daughter was trying to have kids and they finally had one and he just gets horrible fucking... And I was like, wait a second.

This is bullshit. He was like, every Greek man I knew was a piece of shit except for him. Like all my friends' dads were like horrible. And he was the only one who was a loving husband and father. And he's the one who does like the worst guys of all time are fucking just hanging out in the coffee shop, running illegal poker games out of their garages, cheating on their wives with this guy. It fucking sucks. So I was like, oh, yeah, fuck this bullshit.

But all those rituals, like the relics, the items, the scepters, back in the Middle Ages, that was used to impress the peasants who only had wood and fucking hay. Makes so much sense, dude. And it worked on me. Now there's so much cool shit in the modern world. The church is behind. You're so right. So if the church got crazy tech that we can't understand. They need Elon Musk's little robots, dude. They need fucking alter robots. But it's only the church.

But you're right, that's the equivalent. That's the equivalency. It would be like, you kind of get why Joel Osteen and those motherfuckers are in these big mega churches that are coming down from the fucking rafters like Peter Pan. That's so funny. It's just like the biggest room you've ever seen and that's all it takes. Yeah. It's kind of cool. God, this room is so big. Yeah, God must have wanted this to exist. Yeah.

God's got to step up if he wants to come back in America. I agree. You know what I mean? I agree. 9-11 didn't even do it? Yeah, no, that. Just for a second it did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We need something worse. Or better, I mean. It might be coming, brother. I don't know. Yo, things are good. What do you think? Things are good. I do think something fucking horrible is coming. Oh, yeah.

I think we're going to see, I have a prediction right now. Ooh, I want to hear this. We are going to see something in our lifetimes that is more horrible than has ever happened. That's more horrible than what we're seeing now? Oh, much, much, much more horrible. It's awful right now. Wait, I remember this. You actually had this take during the movie. Yeah. That we were going to see something that our brains can't comprehend, right? I do remember this.

Isn't that what you were saying? I don't remember saying that, but I do think that's coming. Yeah, like our brain, body, and spirit. We can't understand it. It's going to be so horrible and weird that it's going to be upsetting, but it will be upsetting on a level that melts our brains. That we won't have the faculties to understand what's going on. I pray for something like that.

I want something interesting to happen again. I mean, horrible things are happening right in front of our faces. It would just kind of let you off the hook, too. Yeah. Like, it can't be a nuke. Don't worry about all this or anything. Yeah, yeah. You just get to pass away. Right. No, it would be something that completely shows the futility of our lives and our world, like something like that. That I pray for. Please. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want something to cut through this dimension, crack it open. We see God in a way. It's like we see different crazy 3D shapes, but it's like actually a different dimension. You're saying like not in a good way, in like a horror, like shock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not like a celestial.

Every human being seeing it at once. Yes, that was another thing. It's a communal thing. I remember you saying that. It would be something that we all experience collectively and have no power over, cannot control. It would be like an asteroid or something, right? Even that, though, I feel like is within our... He's talking about... That's within our understanding. Incomprehensible, yeah. You've got a word for it. Even aliens, I think, aren't... They're close, but not enough. No, I feel like aliens are kind of...

A little passe. A little passe. We know they're there. Although, what if it was an alien? Like, it's an alien. Like, everyone, we show our lack of imagination. We think it's like...

a fucking human looking thing just with green it's green and has a big head but if we had some kind of like fucked up slime that came from you know even that would do it or even a mist just an energy like a fucked up energy that just makes us feel bad what if that's what like there's so little and they go in our brain well they could be fucking right they could be the size of a pixel you know what you see what I'm saying pixels we understand

Now, that's as small as it gets. I do think about, like, you know how Jim Carrey thought he was going to die? Yes. You know this? He thought there was a missile alert that these missiles were headed towards Hawaii. And he thought he specifically was going to die? And he said that he just sat and watched the Hawaiian sunset and, like, thank God for everything that had happened to him. I want something like that to happen to me. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Please. If I could get that once a week, I'd be feeling good. But to really believe it. Yeah, I'd be so scared. Don't you think eventually it would wear off? Maybe. But when's the last time you were hella scared? I haven't been scared in a second. You know what I mean? Maybe like a plane with horrible turbulence. That was last time. You know, something like that. It's good to feel fear. Yeah.

Is it? We used to be afraid as like, you know, early humans. We were afraid every fucking day. Yeah, yeah. And then, I don't know. I think there's something to that. I think it's good to feel fear for actual reasons. What's fucked up is we feel like the level of we're about to die fear because you have to, they forgot your order and you have to ask the waitress to put bacon on your burger. The steaks are different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't like something. You have to tell someone about it. Yeah, like, oh no. I actually had the fucking, oh.

I took some breakfast L's this morning headed over here, and I saw just the most obnoxious L.A. You think you're going to see a rich guy in a much younger world, like a sugar daddy, sugar baby. You think that's going to be everywhere, and you think in your head,

distinguished rich guy, maybe not the hottest guy, but handsome, and then just the hottest woman you've ever seen in your life. And dude, I saw just the most obnoxious woman

lowest level of that at this fucking brunch place. Oh, I love that. Where this guy was just like, kind of like the deacon, fat as shit, you know what I mean? Kind of had like a CeeLo, a CeeLo Green vibe going, like really, really bootleg CeeLo. He's got the worst build I've ever seen. Tough build, dude. And this guy was kind of, actually, was it CeeLo? He was kind of, no, CeeLo could do better than this. He was kind of dressed like CeeLo, had a turtleneck, like truly...

Like, whatever... What he was wearing, not right for his frame. He was, like, he was wearing, like, a turtleneck, and he just looked like a round ball. He could, like, like Gru. He was kind of dressed like Gru. Okay, I know that. Same proportions. Just weird singing. Like, kind of trying to peacock, like, singing along to the music. I'm sat right next to them. Oh, no. And the girl he's with is just not hot enough...

acting obnoxious. Right. Has that like talking that baby voice type of shit. She's also you know much younger than him but not like young. You know what I mean? And like some bad fillers going on like kind of busted. He's like 33. Yeah exactly 33. A nice age. A good age but like busted and like this is what happens they get their their breakfast comes right? And by the way this place sucked I had to I like whatever I had a bad time but

Their food comes out. He orders over medium eggs. They come out hard fried. No, I'm sorry. He orders over easy. They come out over medium. She ordered over medium. They came out hard. Immediately, they're like, this is... How dare they? They fucked our order up. And they're like... And it takes them...

They don't put it together that he could have given her his over medium eggs and just asked for over easy ones. It takes them maybe like 12 minutes to put that together. No waitress at the site. But they do do it. They don't. So he's like, oh, wait.

I could just give you... And she's like, I'm not having cold eggs. That's very L.A. What the fuck are you talking about, bitch? Can I tell you, though, that I feel comforted by the fact that these people are real? Yeah, well, that's what I... It's fun to see them for real, because, like, it is...

Yeah, because and also to see them the shittiest version of them. Yeah. And then this guy, now that she's acting cunty, he's like, well, now I have to have a fucking power. Like now my this woman, I need to show dominance to the waitstaff because now because then she's like, I'm embarrassed. And then she's like, I'm not exactly. Yeah. He's like, oh, how dare you? And then she's like, and I'm not touching my steaks.

I'm going to touch the rest of my food until the eggs come. And by the way, this guy. Oh, she got steak and eggs? She got steak and eggs. Wow. Looked kind of good. Good for her. Anyway, they're about to talk to the waitress and I just get up because I'm like, I can't be around these people. Like, I can't watch what's about to happen. I'm going. Because I also hated the waiter, the wait staff, because I'd been there for 15 minutes and no one had given me, like, water. So I was, like, about. And I knew myself. I hate everyone involved and I'm sitting right next to them. I would have fucking, I would have piped up.

in a fucking weird way. I would have been so pissed. I'm hungry. I was like, I have to just, and I just got up and left. But it was fucking, yeah, it was just the most beautiful LA, like these people are pieces of shit. These people don't exist anywhere else, I don't think. No. I think it is unique to this city. Yeah, yeah. It was awesome though. And it's like, just imagining them fucking too is disgusting. Like those people.

People like going back. I'm not like a secondhand Casper. They got the nice bed, but it's like more secondhand than you think. And it's like, what did that guy do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is this guy rich to even... But yeah, it's a funny place. People are still trying to become... And they think they're kind of being... They think they're behaving the way they should, too. Right. Well, that's what I admire is that...

I kind of had thought the Juicy Couture-style mall rat people were gone. Yes. I thought they had passed away years ago. But then you come here, and they're in it, and they're so proud of it. Oh, yeah. I'm almost like, I'd like to be friends with a few of them. Yes. Because I don't know any. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, that's the thing. I didn't really respect them because they weren't good enough. Right. There was artifice. They were pretending to play their roles. Neither one of those people is who they're pretending to be. She maybe was this. Yeah.

Eight years ago. 2016. He clearly, exactly. Whatever the fuck he did is over. You know what I mean? Whatever got him. So they're both, but I love when people are purely just pieces of shit with no thought. Like S tier. Yeah. That's what it's got to be. You're truly behaving how you are. Yeah, it's beautiful. Proud, confident, see no problem with it. Love seeing that. I love how confident people are in LA.

in LA. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I admire it so, so much. Because I have none, so it's just so nice to, like, see someone not care. I've met a lot of women, like, you know, out and about or jobs I've had, and there are, like, there's so many women, like, starting foundations. Mm, that's a fun another thing where they're, like... One great girl is, like, just a foundation for Thailand. Just the concept. Let's please help Thailand. Just helping Thai people. I was like, I think they're actually

They're actually not that bad. Probably doing all right. Very, very well. Just sending money to like a lot of them. It's a beautiful place. Bitcoin account, yeah. Yeah.

But like just the confidence of like saying that out loud, it's like a table full of people. I long for that. Oh yeah. And think, and being, what they started that is to be in a meeting where everyone has to listen to them and they have to give a couple orders and nothing will ever come of it. But for, there will be three meetings where, you know, that woman comes in in a fucking pantsuit, pretend, and then the lunch where she's like, ugh,

this foundation, it's so hard, but it's important work. You know what I mean? Like, pretending it's something she has to do, that's what they start the show for. And then people want her to do it. But then six months later, she's like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So do people not do that?

do that I've never lived in New York do people are people not like that like in New York they're not that I'm sure they exist in Manhattan and Williamsburg and yeah I guess but I guess this is it's a much more I just feel like that definitely exists but I feel like tied to reality I guess I like to say that it's classier yeah you know what I mean like I think I honestly just think this is me showing my bias but I think like

I also think the sugar daddies are just actually high-powered. There's no pretending in New York. You know what I mean? Like, here it's a city of pretending. And the sugar babies are, like, hot as shit, but also, like, they've gamed out the system. And they're like, well, it's either this or get a job. I don't want to do that. You know what I mean? Definitely not doing that. And they're just about their... Like, I know girls who are just, like... It's, like, the most lucrative...

It's like, well, I'd be dating guys like this anyway. And this way it's like, and I just feel like I just respect everyone involved more because it's about like, you know, time is money. No, it's not to show off. It's like, I want to fuck a young girl and I want, and the girl's like, well, I want like a purse and,

You know what I mean? And this is the quickest way for both of us to do this kind of thing. It's a more practicality. I think here, though, these people have what is called real true freedom. Because it's like Cypher and the Matrix where I feel like...

He makes a deal with Mr. Smith to not be aware of the Matrix anymore. And he gets to eat the steak and he's like, it tastes fucking good. We are all in the Matrix and we're in hell trying to be that good. And these people aren't. Is that what you're saying? They're in the... That's what I want. Yeah. We need to be Cypher. It would be nice to be Cypher. I want to be starting businesses. Just not have any self-awareness. No, you're right. You're absolutely fucking right about that. Yeah.

There must have been like, what's the delusion like in the, all the church people, they must have been like, were they all all in or did part of them, do you think there was ever people that were like,

I hope this is real. I don't know. A lot of them were all all in. And on top of no self-awareness, they get righteousness, which is the ultimate drug. That does feel good, yes. Where they're like superior to each other? They're so superior by being more moral. And I think that, and they're also cheating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're still getting it in, but being righteous about it. I feel like those are always the people that are like, you know, they end up like on a date line or something. They're always doing like your creepy sex stuff. For sure. Any fun scandals?

Let's see. There was my friend. This might be too close to home. You don't have to give specifics. I was in a wedding with a guy. Okay, never mind. I was like in the groom's party or whatever.

this guy was like getting married to one of the youth leaders from our church, but she was like four years older than he was or five years older. And he was like 15 when they met. And she was like, Oh, hell yeah. So, and I was in the wedding, but as it turns out, she had done that to more boys. Oh, female pedophile. And I was in the wedding in a Brooks brothers suit with a pink tie.

They're divorced now. I don't know exactly how far it went and if that person is listening who is in that. I'm sorry, brother, for what you went through. I always knew she wasn't the one. Did they break up? They get divorced? She started doing some PSAT tutoring. Something else happened. He got out of there, though. That's the good news.

Damn female partner. But at the time, I was like, let him be with her. Like, it's true. You know what I mean? Like, you thought it was true love? I was like, yeah. Everybody chill out. Were you, like, thinking you would, like, marry some girl you dated when you were, like, 18? Well, maybe. Yeah, yeah. I thought I would.

You're still a bit of a monogamous. Like, you've been in a relationship for a while. Oh, yeah, for a long time. Yeah, the church put that in your head, maybe. Yeah, totally. But it's all right. You're doing good. It's all good. Yeah. But, yeah, their scandal, I mean, yeah. Those places are evil. Church. And when did you completely knock out of it when you were like? I mean, it was like after that mission trip.

Were those boys? Were they trying to say it was God's plan? But there was a moment where I went to Washington, D.C. on like a school trip or something, and I went to a museum, and there was like this, and I was like full atheist at the time, and I walked into this dark room. It was like we were in like the religious section of the museum. You're knocking over books. Yeah, so pissed. Fuck this. I'm with the devil. What?

But I went into this one room, and it was like a tiny, and it was dark. And then there was like low light on this small picture of Jesus on the cross. And I remember going in there and being like, oh, fuck, I was wrong. What?

Like, I remember what he did for me. I got full body chills and for like one or two days I was like, I'm Christian again. And then pretty quickly I started drinking again and getting back into my lifestyle. You know what I mean? I was back for about two days after seeing that painting. Boozing. Didn't you also get into Adderall heavy at that age? Yeah, I was in Vyvanse. I remember you talking

about that. Yeah, that was awesome. I got Vyvanced out. I lost about 40 pounds. Stop laughing. You showed us a picture. I was down to 125 pounds. You were so little. And you also were a Shakespeare guy. A very serious actor. I was tired of not being taken seriously, and so I wouldn't laugh or talk to anyone. I was having mind-melting panic attacks from the Vyvanced.

My doctor was like telling me he was like 80 years old and had been one of the first Ritalin children. And so he was like, nah, it's not the Vyvanse, dude. It's obviously making you lose weight. You're doing awesome in school. You're becoming a lead actor. So he upped the Vyvanse dosage. He upped it. And then gave me Xanax, Ambien, antidepressants. Oh, man.

So I was 100% drugged out. You were like the same bloodstream as Michael Jackson hours before dying. Yeah, to do like the most busted school play you've ever seen in your life. Doing Chekhov at 17, where I kill myself in the play and have a breakdown afterwards. Yeah, yeah.

And it's like literally the last scene of that play, Ivanov, I have to go like... Keep myself in the head. You must have actually been awesome at that scene. Maybe. Because you actually wanted to kill yourself. I think it was pretty bad. I think I really did. I think you probably crushed that scene. Right. Damn, dude, that's fucking awesome. It was bad. Yeah, yeah. And I love to put that in the context of fresh off of being...

An evangelical Christian. Right. You become a fucking messed out Shakespeare twink like right afterwards. Obsessed with like Tegan and Sarah. Straight guy. Listen to that fucking crime. Straight guy. Tegan and Sarah. Straight 17 year old. MDMT. Tegan and Sarah. So serious. Very upset with the world. Become very liberal. What do you mean?

That's so fucking good. Loving Obama. So happy with what he's doing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely, dude. I got swept up, bro. I remember trying to, like... It's so awesome Obama won. Yeah. Trying to get pussy. Like, trying to... Obama's the man. My way into some pussy. As a freshman in college, being like, isn't this a special historical moment? Can you come over? To celebrate? I don't think I should be alone right now. This is too joyous.

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It's game time, folks. Damn, what was the... Katie, do you have any kind of rebellion from your... Or from, like, the much more localized... Religion? Religion of your father? I don't have as many fun things. No, that's okay. I'm sorry to make you follow... I mean, you've got an epic childhood. I'm sorry to make you follow him getting addicted to fucking Vyvanse. To amphetamines. Yeah. No, no, it's...

And pretty early, by the way. That wasn't like... That's impressive. I feel like Vyvanse really took off later. You're an early adopter. Early Vyvanse adopter. Like trials. It was limitless style. It really was. Yeah. The first time you take that shit, you're like, this is the limitless pill. I'm locked in. Yeah, right. One of those cold brew, a cold brew...

Half a dick pill, that's the limitless pill right there. Half a Cialis and a Vyvanse, dude. You're the fucking man, dude. You're seeing everything. You're looking at the Matrix. You're fucking- Writing the worst shit anyone's ever heard. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck. That is awesome.

But nothing, did you ever get in trouble as a rebellious youth or were you a good kid? I was a good kid. I did ballet. Oh, hell yeah. So I was always at ballet. Yeah, yeah. So I was a good little girl. Did they fucking yell at you for being too fat? Absolutely. Absolutely did. Yeah. Vicious eating disorders. No. Was she like a Russian lady? What kind of lady? No, no. She was, my main one was a Russian lady and they would just scream. They would scream at you.

And they did it like the Russian style. So you'd be like a little kid and you'd get behind between the bar and the wall so that you would stay straight up and down. Oh my God. If you couldn't get behind the bar. And if you couldn't fit, I mean, thank God I did fit, but it wasn't easy to get back there. Did you watch like a little fat girl get chewed out ever? You know, I hate to say that for a lot of the classes, like I was probably the biggest one. What? And I wasn't even,

You're one of the smallest people I've ever, like. I just wasn't like. You obviously now are disgust, no, she's pregnant. I was like, no, you've gotten it. Now I'm huge. Disgusting since the last time I saw you. No, I'm bigger than I've ever been. Yeah. Carrying a, you're. Gained 30 pounds since I last saw you. Yeah, 30 pounds, 30 pounds of just useless weight. Oh. No, I'm kidding. Oh, man. I'm sorry. It's not right. I'm so sorry. I fucked up so, so bad. Um.

But no, you look like you're small as a... Like, you're pregnant. You're eight months pregnant. You're, like, small still. So I can't imagine what you look like as a eight-year-old. Like a nine-year-old. You were the biggest one. It was awful. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, it was pretty brutal. And that was your thing? You were a ballerina? That was my thing. I wanted to be a ballerina more than anything. And then... That's a very classic little girl desire. It is. That's, like, one of the most... It's just so... Yeah, I just...

the most like cliche girl. Yeah, but you know, that's nice. Yeah. That's fun to do. That is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I'm trying to think of other fun things. My dad designed prisons. Yeah.

That was his job. That's the biggest thing. That's so crazy. I feel like that's key to know. Do you ever get to go in there and, like, draw? You know, I did go a couple times because he'd have to go, like, you know, he'd go every weekend. Oh, my God. And we put a little nook here for raping each other away from the guard's eyes. You know, it's for the prisoner, too. You know, they've got to have a good time. They also always tell me that, like, a lot of women's, like, you've got to watch out because a lot of women in prison, they're there because of their man.

through there because they did something for him. He designed female prisons? Women's prisons? Both. Both. In Illinois, yeah. How do you get into, he's an architect? He's an architect and an engineer and he did like, he worked for the state for like other government buildings and then I think he saw like a power niche in prisons. Yeah, he was like, oop, this is where I fit in. Yeah, he's

He went from like government parking structures to prison. Did he put anything sick in there for them? I hope so. Like a nice cafeteria. Monkey bars. Yeah, that would be fucking funny shit. That's so funny to just be like, ah...

What does that do you psychologically for like the thing you work on is like designed for essentially torture people? Yeah, I don't know if he thought about it. I wonder what he thought. He probably didn't. He definitely didn't think about it like that. No. No chance. No chance. I get that.

I don't think he's like a philosophical thinker like that. You can't if you're going to design. If you're going to do it. Yeah. Every line, every stroke of his like, every like click on AutoCAD. Yeah, exactly. It's like people got closer to being like the most depressed they've ever been in their lives. He created sadness with every click of his mouse. And it's like, yeah. Listening to like Dave Matthews. Frank Sinatra. Yeah. Late nights. Yeah.

We both worked on Floating Prisons. We both worked on Cruise Ships. We did. Yes. That is fucking insane that I definitely wanted to. That is. You did improv on boats. Oh, yeah. Did you do the murder mystery? No, I never had to do the murder mystery. Never got to do the murder mystery. Yeah, I had. I did that murder mystery. Because you both basically, you did improv through, like, was it the same company? Yeah. Second City. The Second City. The Second City in Chicago. The Second City in Aruba. Yeah.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Aruba chapter of Second City. Cape Canaveral, Florida. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where all those motherfuckers were. Yeah. That's fucking... I actually liked...

Did you grow up in Chicago? I did, yeah. Yeah, she did. That's right. I actually kind of liked it. I liked meeting all those weird people. That's the craziest thing I've heard. I think I was probably pretty unhappy in my life. Your life was bad. You know? So I didn't put it together that I shouldn't like the city so much. It can't be going good if you agree to do improv on a cruise ship. No, I know.

You know, you say that, though, but when I got the job, it was the biggest chills I've ever gotten in my life. I was like, it's about to work out. It's happening. No, because you can envision yourself doing all the other Second City stuff. You're like, this is a first step. They brainwashed you. SNL coming right up. Literally.

I couldn't believe it. Are there any historical examples of the cruise ship cast going on? Who's the most successful? Who's done cruise ships? Because I'm sure there are. Connor and Adie have done cruise ships. Oh, there you go. Hella people who went to Chicago. I think Thomas Middleditch did one. Oh, yeah. Nice. Maybe. Maybe he was up to some freaky stuff on. No doubt. When there's no laws on the ocean. There's no laws.

International waters. That's why Middle Ditch wanted to get in there. I don't want to think about that. Oh, man. Many, many amazing talents. A man of many interests. Yeah.

That's so fucking funny. I did one with Scotty Nelson. Oh, Scotty Nelson. Yeah, he's in the movie. That's awesome. We had a blast. And you liked it? I didn't like the shows. I hated doing the shows. Oh, really? It was the lifestyle. I love the lifestyle. I love just like, because you're partying.

Sure. How old were you guys when you did it? I was like 24. 24, how old were you? 25. Oh, yeah. That is a great, that's true. Because I'm thinking about what I was doing in 24, 25. And it was, I was living in a $300 a month room in Baltimore doing fucking stand-up comedy in like shitty bars. It's like, I was living that and getting fucked up constantly. I was basically just doing what you guys were talking about. But you weren't like in a bikini. Yeah, I was not. I didn't get enough sun. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's fucking hilarious. Was it? Yeah, because everyone's just getting fucked up. There's a headglare that died. You're the Grim Reaper, bro. We had a couple people on the ship die. People die more than you think on this. And there's a lot of crimes, too. There's a morgue on the ship. That makes sense. So you both experienced ship death? Yes. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, it makes sense. It's always the oldest, fattest people that go on cruises. Yeah, right. People go on them today. It's cheaper than a retirement home. So they'll just go on nonstop. They need much care. Those people that don't have a house anymore, they're just like, we're going to go. It's cheaper. It's cheaper. And guess what? Meals included. Oh, 100%. That's how people look at it. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking nuts. It's wild. Yeah, that's.

What an undignified country. That it's like, it makes more sense. Put him on a fucking ship. Yeah. And then there's 24 year olds doing fucking, doing fucking, uh. The worst improv you've ever seen. Horrible improv. I mean, the worst. The worst. They didn't let me do anything really like in the sketch shows. Like I pretty much just stood there and smiled. We need some eye candy. Like I remember getting objectified for boat improv. I know. The lowest. The lowest. Yeah.

being excited to do it. It was so funny. I was so brainwashed by this shit that when I got onto the cruise ship and you go onto the stage on the cruise ship, you know those scenes in movies where an actor comes out into their giant. No one's in the seats at this beautiful theater yet and they walk out onto the stage and you can hear their shoes clacking. That's what I did the moment we got on the cruise ship but it's like the most busted theater you've ever seen. There's like Bacardi signs. And people are

many of the shows like straight from the pool so like wet suit yeah it smells like chlorine and fucking barbecue sauce kids peeing yeah it's awful oh that's so fucking funny I have a fun story about a guy I met this guy cause you're not supposed to like you know hook up with that you're not supposed to hook up what's the thing with the pool that's the rule that's like the one rule you can't hook up with that's crazy yeah but I met this guy and I thought he was the coolest and he was a cop he was like a young cop I mean Jesus Christ and we were like

Like, I was very out of touch. Oh, my God. Anything. But he, like, wanted to hang out, like, when we ported in Tampa. Because you have, like, one port day where you would be, like, in some random city from, like, 8 a.m. to 1.30. And he, like, took me out to breakfast. And then he had, like, all these guns in his car. And I was like, uh. And he's like, don't worry about it. I'm a cop. It doesn't matter. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I just get really pissed if people don't do what I say. Exactly. You're driving so fast. Yeah, I'm good. You're like, I got a fucking family improv show at 6 o'clock. You're like, I can't miss the thing.

Yeah, and he took me to some little area and let me shoot guns. Oh, my God. That's crazy. Yeah. It was like, I also could have died. 100%. That's kind of crazy you did, honestly. You might have been close. I think so. Because we were getting close to the time I had to be back, and he kept wanting to take me somewhere else. I think to hook up, because we never actually did. For sure, that's what it was. Yeah, but I was like, I want breakfast, and I want to shoot guns, but I don't really want to hook up.

up with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's also a crazy, like, just met someone belly full of omelet. Like, that's not really... Tampa, too, so it's hot. Middle of the day, it's hot. That's not prime. Hotful. So was he done? Was he off the... That was where he disembarked? Tampa? Yeah, he lived and he was a Florida cop. Gotcha. So cute. He's probably up to some really cool stuff right now. Good guy, yeah. He's probably been... I would love to see that guy's post. I'd love to see his Facebook meeting. The last couple years. I'd love to see that.

He gave me a stuffed animal as a present to say goodbye. It was like a stuffed German shepherd. A German shepherd? Even that? Even as like the cute stuff in his life is like used to arrest people? That's so funny. Oh my God.

Oh, my God. So, yeah, I loved it. How long did you do that for? Our contracts were four months, and now that I'm saying it out loud, like publicly, I guess, I probably was really miserable in my life because I did it for ten months. Oh, wow. Yeah. Ten months. Two tours of duty. Two and a half tours of duty. Two and a half tours of duty. How do you do the half? You just leave halfway through? Half this girl got injured. Ha ha ha!

this girl hurt her leg. Who do we got whose life is worse than this? Yeah.

What were you up to? You were just like young in Chicago life. No, I mean, I actually had a boyfriend, but I just like, wasn't, you didn't want to be in that relationship. No, I didn't want to live in Chicago. I think I, I worked at Groupon and I just, Oh yeah. I forgot about the, the halcyon days of Groupon. Did you ever work there? No, I worked at Grubhub. It's literally hell. Oh my gosh. Improv on ships and working for $16 an hour. Yeah. I,

I feel like Chicago... I mean, I grew up there, so I never chose to move there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But got, like, really brainwashed into staying. Mm-hmm. It's a good city. I mean, it's as good... You can stay there and, like, have almost everything bigger, like, New York or L.A. Yeah. Because other than New York or L.A., it is, I think...

It's next up, I guess. Yeah, I mean, Atlanta's pretty cool, too. Like, it's those cities that are, like, they have enough of the real shit that you can make a real career in, like, even in entertainment, I think you could figure it out with some traveling. So I get it. And it's a cool city, a lot of artsy shit, its own culture, its own, like, really strong. So I get it. I understand why. Like, Baltimore, I was never going to stay. For me, I was like, I'm so clearly moving to New York. It's crazy.

I mean, I actually thought about moving to LA briefly, but then I was like, I can't. I can't do that shit. But.

I think there is a difference with improv, though. If you're doing improv for 15 years in Chicago, you need to go see a doctor because it's like something's up. But you can get into acting. You know what I mean? Yeah, but a lot of people don't. True. That's a good point. That's fucking insane that you would do improv for improv's sake in Chicago. I mean, anywhere, no disrespect. It was hella fun for a minute. Do you ever do improv now? No, I haven't. I would never. Yeah.

I said a year ago, I was like, I don't think I ever want to do this again. But it's so funny to me because like improv seems like it's like a training exercise for other things. Like it's good to have, it's good to be able to do it on your feet. And, but I also think there's different ways to get good at it, but everybody goes through this. Like, so I mean, some of the funniest people come out of improv training. It's true. You know what I mean? Like,

And you guys are, you are hilarious in the fucking movie. Everybody watch the movie. Let's not forget. Let's start a cult. But also it's like, yeah, and then you go into acting and you use those skills to be funny or even just to write, you know, even scripts. Or to be present. To be, oh wow. Right in the moment. To be in the moment. Right? And this is where you start losing me again. This is where I,

This is where I go back and saying improv sucks. No, dude, it's amazing. Yeah. Changes lives. Um, but yeah. Yeah. We should, this, we've had so much fun. We have not, we should do some actual questions, but we could fucking, we got to do it again. Uh,

maybe when I come back here, you're, you're, you live here now and you're going to have a small child. There's no way you're going to be. I'll bring her on. Yeah. Bring her across. Bring her to New York. I'll bring a baby across country. But, uh,

Um, yeah, this is so fun guys, but let's, let's take some of your experts. Look, very rarely, I can't wait. Very rarely have we had two people that did cruise ships. That makes such good choices. This is huge. People have been waiting for something like this. People have been waiting for this perspective on the podcast. People are good at boundaries and advocating for themselves. Let's help them out. Let's help them out. Yeah. Uh,

But yeah, play us some. And our good pal Eldis, folks, has sent Mystery Mo. He has sent him 10. I mean, we probably won't get to all of them, but he sent some voicemails. So I can't wait to see Eldis fuck this up just from a completely different coast and not being here. So let's see what he's got for us. What's our first question here, Mo? Do I say it and then play it or just play it? Just play it.

Hey, Stav, Eldest, and esteemed guests. I'm calling about a girl I've been seeing for a while. Her shower routine isn't necessarily every day. She usually showers when she needs to or right before coming to see me, and usually she'll spend the entire weekend with me. And after a while, she's not...

you know, clean. It gets a little musky down there. So I guess my question is, how do I, how do I tell her that the reason I'm not eating her out is because her

Her pussy stinks. Jesus. This is where Elvis starts the fucking call. This is our first question. I think this one is easy. It's easy. This is easy. Okay. I've read in a magazine what you should do. Okay, great. This is actually very helpful because believe it or not, we've gotten this question multiple times on this podcast. So please, what does the magazine say? Okay, so the magazines say what the guy should do or whoever, whoever's about to...

They're like, you know what I... Pee-yew! Oh, no, no, you're supposed to gently be like... Oh! Pretend to vomit. You're supposed to have oatmeal in your mouth and go...

I think you're gently supposed to be like, you know what I think would be really sexy right now is if we both took a shower. Oh, I mean, that's like trying to get a baby to eat fucking vegetables. If you don't know what's going on there, that's insane. That's what the magazine says? I mean, yeah. I feel like I've seen that on Reddit. I've seen it in magazines. Yeah.

Never had this issue myself personally. No one's ever suggested a shower to me. I have one time someone asked me to wash my dick in the sink. You know what? I deserved it. And he did it. I had an active day, yeah. If you're active, what can you do? So many of us are trying to be active. You know what I mean? It was very funny because it was like,

She was like, the energy was like, work with me here. You know what I mean? It was like, it really was like, look, I want to give you head, but can you just meet me halfway and throw a little dial soap on that brick for me? Dial. The bright orange dial. So harsh.

I love that story, too. You just pretend you're, you know, back in probably before 1800 and 1900, that was everybody. That's true. And that was part of it. And they were still getting it in. They were procreating. Yes. Just pretend you're in a thatched hut. Sure. I like that. Can't you just kind of like not breathe through your nose or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could probably. Yeah, right. Don't get your tongue involved. Eat pussy with your bottom lip. Oh, my God.

Don't taste or smell it? Yeah. That's really funny to just be like... No sound at all, because you can't make any... You like that? I mean, that's fucking crazy. So did we miss anything? Is there a transcription available, Moe, or did Eldis just send you the... He probably just sent you the files, because he's bad at his fucking job. God, I hate Eldis. A little more.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. What do we got? I'm good. Nah, I'm good.

Yeah, I think that's it. Love the podcast. All right. Thank you. So hilarious. If she's not going to get the shower hand, you have to be more direct with the person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a sit down. Yeah. Yeah.

Take her to kava. Really serious. Hey, look, pay for her kava. Give her whatever she wants on that. Extra scoops of hummus. Whatever you want, girl. I need to tell you something. That shit doesn't smell right. That's so fucking. I mean, sometimes you are dealing with dirt balls. There are people who just don't shower enough. Right, right. That exists. Or they don't know how to shower. Right?

Yeah. They're just stepping in and kind of getting wet. Yeah, just a spray, right? Do you use a washcloth? I'm not a washcloth guy. I don't do it enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I know I can feel a difference when I do that. I just disrespect the soap.

You're putting it. You're thorough. Yeah, I'm thorough. It's getting in there. That's good. Bar soap? I'm a bar soap guy. Wow. Like I'm in jail. What brand? Yeah, like Dial? Dial is gentle. Okay, got it. No, no. Dial days are over. The Irish Spring days are over. Good, good. This is Dove with some kind of little lotion and shit. I get it at Costco by the fucking...

by the palate, essentially. I have soap for six months. I have soap that allows me after the atrocious thing that you're predicting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll need to make an offering. After the Eric event happens. Yeah. After the Ray Hillpocalypse. It's coming. So yeah, you got to sit her down and be like, look. Or this is one of those things where it's like, you know, vote with your mouth. Make, if you're

Just stop eating pussy. And if it comes up, be like, look, I tried to get you to shower. I guess that's my question. Is she asking him to do this? Maybe he just wants to eat, but he could be a eater. It could be something he's really into. I always think of those guys, though, who are really into it. They are...

they love it. Like whatever stated it, it's in. Cause that guy exists. Those guys might, those guys who are like, get in there. Yeah. Go work out. The French style. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Get some nice probiotics in your diet. Eat plenty of yogurt. Oh,

So, yeah, man, just you got to talk to her. And ultimately, this is the kind of thing that could be a deal breaker. Not hygiene, not aligning on hygiene legitimately could be a deal breaker. Also, just down the line. Right. You know what I mean? It starts with a pussy. What's our house look like? You know what I mean? You keep a clean kitchen. What's the strainer? Yeah.

In her kitchen. Oh, God. She had a lot of stuff. And a little bit of hair. You know when you pull that out and it rips? Yeah, little fucking veggies, little fucking bits of bacon and shit. Get me the fuck out of here. Hell nah. Could be a sign. Good luck, brother. This could be God speaking to you through that thing. Yep. Her pussy's a prophet.

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Hi, so I've been seeing this guy, we've gone on about like four or five dates now. And on our third date, we had our first kiss. He was, he offered to drop me off at home. So we were in the car and we started kissing. And all of a sudden I felt, I mean, he was kind of sort of moaning. And then I realized he had pain.

And so, you know, I was a little taken aback, but I didn't say anything or, like, make a big deal about it, right? I just kind of said goodnight, whatever. I thought, like, maybe that's just a one-off type thing. So then I'd seen him a few times since then, and basically, like, the same thing keeps happening. Basically, when we've kissed, he just comes very quickly and just can't.

I don't know how to say it. And so I guess I'm wondering, like, do I... I mean, I don't know. Now it's been, like, three times. So...

Is this a pattern? Do I like give him more of a chance? I mean, we haven't been intimate yet. We've literally just kissed. So I'm not sure what to do here. Also, I mean, I like him a lot. Like other than that, we have a lot in common. I think we want the same things. He's very kind, very sweet, successful. He's a doctor. He's very smart. He's also a lot older, a little older than me. He's like 42. Yeah.

42 and he's busting off kissing? I don't know, I would think he would kind of like, I'm just under control by now. Yeah. But anyway, I'm just wondering your thoughts and if I should like give him another chance or, you know, I don't know if I should just like cut my losses at this point. This is fucking crazy. Yeah, thanks.

Wow. The hands-free bus? Incredible. Three times in a row. Oh, my God. And also, she's like, he started moaning. She's like, you're kissing a woman. You're like, oh. Oh, no. How can she tell, by the way? Is it coming through the pants? That's what I was wondering that, too. Or is it like kind of a jerk?

I mean, I do think... Like a moan. An energy... There is an energy that changes after you bust. Yeah, yeah. Like the kissing stops. It's a certain piece that you get. Just feel and be like... Like I've never busted while making out with someone, but I assume you would be able to tell. One time I went to a... On Christmas Day, after my parents got divorced, I went to a Korean sauna...

With my friends because I couldn't go. I didn't want to go home. There was no place to go. I get that. And this guy was sitting next to me in the hot tub, and he was doing like the cricket thing with his legs. Jacking himself off. With his thighs. Yes. I don't know if he busted, but I was like, I've never seen this style of technique before. So I'd be curious to know, is he doing the cricket? Oh, you think that guy is jacking himself off? Keep an eye on his legs. Sure, sure, sure. Because you don't know what it is. But if it is truly just a hands-free style bust,

That's wild. That's also a problem. I mean, it's... There's a lot going on here, right? Like, the fact that... Okay, the first time... Okay, here's the first piece of information. We gotta be Sherlock Holmes a little bit on this show. Yeah. Because you only get these voicemails. Three dates, first kiss. Yeah.

He's 42. Interesting. He's 42, she's 28, three dates. Doctor, right? My read on this guy, nerd that never got pussy in his life, right? Finally just sort of feels comfortable. Honestly, this might be the first time he's ever gone out with a hot girl and he doesn't know what to fucking do. That's possible. It's very possible that this guy is stuck in,

I mean, I don't know, doctor, 42. There's a type of guy who all he's ever done is go to school, whatever, whatever. His family's very strict, didn't date, was a geek, didn't date. Fast forward to now and who knows how he met...

Maybe, maybe apps, actually apps for a guy like this might be, you know, he might look a lot better on paper because maybe he's even kind of, you know, guys sometimes hit their stride at 40, especially if they're dorks, you know, he's handsome. He's a fucking doctor. He probably is a classy guy. Like you said, he's very kind. He's not even making a move till the third date. He probably doesn't fuck that much. This might be, his dick might be in a state of being 19 years old. Right. And the fact that he busted and then he was like, oh, and

and then like all right see you later like yeah he didn't try and like he wasn't like deal with it or he never brought it up again you know what i mean it wasn't look maybe the first time you're like that was embarrassing second time you try and also the first time in his car through three times three times first time in his car second time they weren't like in a house like are they hooking up yeah is it escalating what's going on here right you've been on six dates and he's

cum in his fucking Lexus RX three times. Yeah, like you're teenagers or something. Yeah, like that's... So you might, even though, if you really like this guy...

And even though everything about him says he's more established in life than you, you might actually be more of an adult when it comes to dating as a 28-year-old than he is as a 42-year-old. That's a very empathetic look, style. Yeah, that's what we do here. It's beautiful. It's a chance for her to lead. It is a chance. And you might just have to do that. And if you get everything out of this relationship, but the tradeoff is, and look, some people date somebody older because they kind of want

they want the other person to kind of be a little bit in charge, especially if they're like established. And also who knows what this girl's into sexually. I know a lot of women where this would be a real deal breaker. I'm thinking I, my gut instinct is deal breaker. Like I can't see a world where this guy's so great. Yeah. You'd want to deal with this. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, that's a great, that's a beautiful point. Get a little spray. You need a mic next time, Mo. You can't be off. You need a mic. Mo said there's treatments. I do feel like. Hinting that maybe he also busts fast, but we'll never know. Yeah, he's not denying it. But I know what you mean. This might be a deal. But six states in. It's crazy. That's a lot. Crazy. I feel like that's a lot.

But we don't know what she's like, right? In a world where you're okay with this, let's finish this line of thinking and then we can move on. But in a world where you're okay with this, where you're like, you can deal with a gent... By the way, this guy busts while kissing. He ain't throwing you around. You're not getting choked by this fucking guy. You're not getting... You know what I mean? You're not getting... You're gonna have to... You're riding your life. No, you're gonna... This guy's never railed anyone in his life, right? Never happened. Never happened.

So if that's very important to you, and I see, I'm not gonna judge you if it is, you're gonna have to work up, you're gonna have to, the roles are gonna have to switch sexually to the point, you might have to tutor him to be good at fucking you.

Is that something you're interested in? He hasn't even pulled his dick out once. That's fucking crazy. Like if you've got the third time you bust while kissing on the couch or something, he's not fucking hitting the shower himself, cleaning his prick off and then going for a number two later. That's fucking, he hasn't tried to touch your tits. That's fucking insanity. So, but if that's okay with you, that's the way you have to lead him through. Like, and you have to bring it up. He might be so embarrassed by busting his pants, but,

Which, honestly, if I busted my pants in that, like, that's the mark of a man who's sexually immature. Because if I busted my pants when I was, like, 15, I'd be embarrassed. Now I'd be like, I would literally think it's funny. Yeah. Like, if I was with somebody. Or you'd be like, I'm sick. Yeah, I've got that. Bus fast flu. I'm sick. Yeah. What?

Oh, fuck. What's he saying afterwards? Is he going, oops? Whoopsie. I would love to know. Oh, no. You don't be worse, though. All sexy, like, look what you did to me, girl. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

Trying to play off. You made me bust so quick. You need to put that in your back pocket. That goes right in with your guy is a guy who would try and play off. That's like sick. It's a compliment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just so freaking hot. I can't believe it. You're so freaking sexy, babe. Well, it could be a medical issue. We don't know what's going on with his dick. He's a fucking doctor, bro. You know what I'm saying? Right, right. He could be overworked, too, as a doctor. He could be overworked. That could be exhaustion speaking. Yeah.

These doctors, American doctors, we're treating them like shit. They don't get sleep. They don't get their medical schools. The system chews them up and spits them out. Yeah. So, okay, that's one. But then if we're going to be based in reality here. He's a deviant. Yeah.

There's just no way. Something. This is going to be, you're going to have to, at the very least, you're going to have to discuss this head on. And you're going to have to be like, let's do, even if he busts once, like, you're going to have to be the one that at least the first time breaks the, let's get this.

Get your dick. Let's get naked. You're gonna have to do that If that's not interesting to you This might not be your guy at the very least you have to have a conversation about it and be like this is okay But we have to have sex if we're gonna be in a relay like we have to see if we're actually Compatible and we can work on everything else out and look there's if this guy can if this guy bust fast and

If he gets one off and then busts that quickly the second time, that's crazy. And then a third time. If he busts three in a row, then it is a legitimate medical issue. There's no way. Yeah. But, you know.

This is, like I said... I wonder if she is just, like, really hot, though. She could be really hot, and he might just have never... Her voice is cute. Yeah. Hadid-style hot. Huh? Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she could be very hot, and he... My hypothesis is he's just a nerd who's never gotten pussy in his life. Just from everything I'm picking up here. I have another scenario in my head. I don't know how long you want to stay on the cause. No, no, please. I was also picturing, like, a guy, you know, 42, had one life, has a bunch of kids already, and he's, like, out...

Oh. Divorced, fresh, new, out on the scene. Yes. Very nervous. Yes. That could be. He could, yeah. Maybe there's some anxiety there. That's a good point. But either way, it's a guy whose development has been arrested. Yes. Either he got married young in an early relationship, doesn't know how to, either way, this is a guy who does not know how to date. No, no, no, no. Whether that's whatever the scenario is. But yeah, yeah. Have you ever encountered a fast buster? No.

Yeah. Yeah. Probably because I'm so pretty. He couldn't help it. He couldn't help it. That's what he said. Yeah. That is how you play it off. That's the only way to play it off. I honestly have never been a fast buster.

which is one of my only not, the only negative I don't have sexually is that I don't buzz fast. And then it happened like once and I was literally like, I think I was like reacting with too much like, huh, that's fucking hilarious. No, truly. And the woman didn't believe me. That's a great way to handle it. The woman didn't believe me, but I was like, this is crazy.

Crazy. I was like, that's so fucking funny that I busted fast. And she was just like, I mean, she was fucking weird as fuck, too. I don't know. Maybe there was something. I didn't really like her as a person. And her apartment was weird. Your body knew. But she had huge tits. Like, there's a lot going on here. A lot of make. So it was like, I did find her pure, like, from a just attractiveness thing. I found her pretty hot. Mm-hmm.

And I hated everything else. And that's the only time in my life I've busted like crazy fast. Your body was helping you out. It was to get me out of there fast. Like, you don't like what's going on here, man. Osmosis Jones, butt, butt button. We got to get out of here. We got to get out of here before you have to fucking pet another ferret. All right. Let's do another. Let's do another call here, Moe.

I think we really helped that woman. Love everything you guys got going on. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. So a couple years ago, I need your advice on this. I don't know, you know, do I let sleeping dogs lie or do I reach out? But a couple years ago, my friend started dating this guy. And at the time, like he was non-existent on social media. So like my brain, like, okay, that's weird. And then a few months later,

he pops back up on social media. So, you know, I'm an investigator. I do some digging. And basically, I find out that

This guy went to jail for like choking out his ex and basically has a kid with an ex-girlfriend that he lied to my friend about. He said that the last he heard that the ex-girlfriend got an abortion and this kid was never a thing. But basically I discovered her Facebook, her Twitter, and the kid is very much alive and well. And I told my friend all about this. She confronted him.

I'm getting confused. Yeah, last I heard, like not checking up on whether your seed was born. I was pretty sure they stopped that thing. That's awful. Didn't check back in. I caught the vibe that it wasn't going to happen. So yeah, no more investigating necessary. Wait, I got confused. So the kid, there is a child. So yes. So just to catch everybody up, it's...

Our caller is calling in about her friend, and this child is her friend's boyfriend's friend with an ex that the potentially shitty boyfriend has lied about. Anyway, let's keep going. But that's just awesome to be like, last I heard about your child. All right. And basically he twisted everything, and she came back to me and was like, I'm on his side. The ex is crazy. I believe him.

But basically from then on, we haven't really talked in a year and a half. But, you know, I know this guy is a piece of shit. She doesn't see that. And I know he's abusive. I don't know. I asked her, you know, if he's been like that to her. She said no. And although we haven't talked, you know, sometimes, like, I still worry. I still want to be, like, a resource of, like, oh, if shit's going down, you know, I'll help you out. You can reach out to me. They also moved...

from Florida to Washington State, so literally across the country. She moves, I'm sorry. Yeah. The couple moves.

To Washington State. Oh, no. Okay. Not good. Literally no contact for a year and a half. We still follow each other on social media, but there's no interaction whatsoever. And I've known this person since I was like 16. And I'm 29. So, yeah. I don't know if I let sleeping dogs lie or if I reach out and kind of say, hey, should I get in on you? Yeah, thanks. Damn. Damn.

Do you guys know that Dixie Chick song, Earl? I don't know that one. I do. Is it about an abusive? It's about Dixie Chick's killing a man named Earl. Yeah, yeah. Poisoning him. That's what this guy deserves. For real. Yeah, unfortunately, this is horrible. There's nothing good that's going to come of this. Yeah, I think.

And I guess let me just say before we will answer. But first, talk to someone who knows about the Met. Like talk to a counselor about, you know, like women's safety. Like talk to somebody about who's actually go to like, you know, resources about domestic abuse, that kind of thing. What to do in these situations.

Because they'll actually tell you, instead of this dumb podcast we were just talking about, stinky pussy and busting fast moments ago, we're not exactly who's going to help you with this. You know what I mean? We're much better. We spent a nice amount of time on that bust fast question. And this is going to be a lot quicker than that. But I guess I would say...

Everything sounds so far pretty textbook abusive relationship. The no contact, the moving away. Like that's like isolating somebody from their friend group. They're going to Florida to Washington State? Yes. That's troubling. Could it be further? Yeah. Yeah. Literally, I don't think on the continental United States you could move further away. So I would say you should assume the worst just to be safe.

And this is, again, my hunch. Go check all this with a domestic, with somebody that knows what they're talking about when it comes to domestic abuse. But I think you probably don't want to be...

too crusading about this, but you want to... I think you're... Our caller's hunch is correct, where it's like, just make it known that you're there for them. Right? That's what I was gonna say. All you can really do is, like, tell your friend you love her. Yeah. You're there for her if she needs anything, wants to talk, but... Just chat, and, like, just check in in an innocuous way. Talk about day-to-day shit so she just feels... And don't bring this up. Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean? Like, because I think people in these situations, like anyone and the abuser usually can sniff out if somebody's. I'm worried too about like if she's sending emails or texts, like he's probably looking at all her stuff. Could be. Or like her social media messages and things. Like I would think the worst. So that's why I would say keep it like.

Keep it like, what's up? Let's just chat. You see a show. So just so they know, be in her life in a way that's very surface level, but also that she feels a connection. And again, talk to someone who actually knows. But this is just our best guess here. What do you think? Maybe she should pray to the Holy Spirit? I think pray to God. Pray to God. He's the only way out of this. Don't contact anyone professional. Just go right to Jesus. He can fix this for you. Yeah.

Don't talk to the police. Nothing. Do not talk to the police. Just write to God. Go to a fucking mega church. Did you ever go to a mega church? Or was it more like community based? Nah, these were smaller, kind of more even scarier style churches. That is scarier. Yeah, yeah. Less money. Yeah, yeah. Any speaking in tongues? No, right? I went to a French church once who spoke in tongues. That's awesome. And I was like, this is too far. Yeah, yeah. You're like, this is demonic. This is not for me. Yeah.

Did you put your hands up? I was putting my hands up, yeah. Sometimes you put up one, but if you're really feeling it, it's both. That's when you knew you were fucking getting it. Oh, yeah, this shit? God's, like, smiling. He really wants both up. All right, what do we got? Great one, Eldest. Another good one, Eldest.

Just a nice lift the mood up. We're trying to get people to watch this fucking movie. And now people are thinking about a woman who's in dire trouble. But, you know, what's that, Mo? Thank you. Thank you, Mo. Clean up Eldest's messes. Mystery Mo, the man with no mic, folks. He's sexy as hell, but he shouldn't be here. God wants him dead. But he's persevering. He tried to kill us. But he's persevering. He really did. To silently produce this podcast. All right.

Nice.

on how to masculinize yourself and make you super ultra masculine. As a trans man, I struggle so hard with being perceived as a man. And I think I need to know some man secrets. I need to know some things that I need to change. This is awesome. Should I be showering differently? Should I stop washing my asshole? Like, what should I start doing to make people perceive me to be a man? Yes. Thank you, Sabi. Respect. Welcome to the brotherhood.

So much better to be a man. I mean, truly. It's like, how can you even argue? How can you look at society and then argue when someone wants to be treated like a man if they're a woman? It is awesome. It just makes so much more sense. It's so much easier. Less danger. Just a good time overall. Don't have to be pregnant. I mean, what Katie's going through. I know. What Katie's going through looks horrible. I have to be so bad. You can be. It's all right. Yeah, of course. Oh, my God.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah. And then arrange your thoughts about this masculine question. Me and Eric will start off here. We'll start it off, yeah. I mean, yeah, this is... I'm trying to think. I mean, first of all...

You want to look less put together. That's number one. Yeah, yeah. Look shitty. It's kind of nice. That's one of our... That's the biggest, you know, the biggest pro here is, like, how low maintenance it can't... To be super masculine, it's so easy. It's actually the less thought, the better. The less thought, the better, yeah. Go with your gut. Go with your gut. Yeah, yeah. Dress like shit. Sweatpants. Right. You know what I mean? Like...

Now, you can, I mean, I'm not going to tell you to get fat as shit, but that's a nice way. It helps. Being a little fat helps. Oh, yeah. Being a little fatter than you are probably helps. And look, once you're more comfortable in your masculinity, you can shed it. You can cut it down. It's kind of like becoming a bodybuilder. Yeah, right. You want to fucking, you want to like bulk, bulk, and then you can cut. I do think weightlifting might be the. Weightlifting will definitely help. Do this thing called starting strength. Starting. Oh, gallon of milk. Go mad. Go. Yeah.

Get out a milk a day. That can help. No, truly getting in the, all this kind of shit. I'm trying to think when I think, when I feel the most masculine, that's a great question. Sure.

Getting fucked up hands. Oh, yeah. Getting the hands all... You know what I mean? Lifting weights I've gotten calluses. We'll get the calluses up here. Play the guitar and get the calluses on the top of the fingers. Start to make women uncomfortable at parties. Play the guitar at a party. Yeah, right. Turn the music off. That's a fucking loser dude move. Yeah, I think the...

Get a job at Lids. Get a lanyard. Become a butterfly knife guy. Like, start being a horrible guy, and then you can cut down the pieces that you actually like. But yes. Yeah, right, right. Yes, yes, yes. Because we did this when we were 16. Exactly. Everybody does that. Played guitar. Everything you're talking about, yes. We went through all of that shit. You find the fucked up parts. Yeah. Yeah.

So we're just saying you want to look like a piece of shit. You don't want to think about anything. Don't worry about your appearance. That will really help to just appear more dude-like. Oh, that'd be wonderful.

Exactly. It's like no. Also, I was thinking just take your time with everything. For sure. Like don't rush anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No urgency. When you're crossing the street, just take your time. Don't even. Yeah. You know those guys? Be less aware of others around you. Exactly. Don't worry about how other people react to you. You know what I mean? Get a navy blue comforter.

Yeah. Oh, that's actually exactly what it is, Katie. I got that. Of course, dude. Me too. But actually, you see so many more stains on that than you would think. Exactly. You need a pattern and a light color to hide them. It's a bad move. It's a bad move.

Don't wash your towels. Right. Oh, yeah. You know what's crazy is that we have like so many fresh towels in my house and I'll let the towel go so long. And I just forget that there's a new towel. And you're just using like the same one towel. It's like it's wet and I'm like, why is this happening to me? Yeah. You know, do shit like that. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, just like, I mean, so much of it, you're...

It's just going to take some time. But yeah, dressing like shit, being a little... I would say wash your ass. You don't want to stink. But... Because you guys were just talking about how you're washing your asses. Yeah. I'll wash the fuck out of mine. But you do... You don't want to stink, but you can be dirty. That's a difference, right? Smudges...

stains on your shirt, all that's good, but you don't want to smell bad. You can have like something on your face. You can have your, and we said get rough, fucked up hands too. That's a big one. You know what I mean? So yeah. Get good with animals.

I'm bad with animals. You are? Really? I mean, I'm not bad with them, but I just don't take care of them. I like cats and dogs, but I don't know anything about them. And other animals, I'm just a city boy. I don't really know nothing about the farm or anything like that. Maybe do a farm trip. Okay. You know what I mean? Get out there. See how you are with them. See how you naturally... But I do think horses are more

More girls Girl coded But I don't know I don't know You could go both ways Cowboy Yeah I'm interested in like You know If he's got A vision for the kind of guy he wants True Because there's so many different kinds of guys you could be It's like And I think The Kind of talking it out I think we're coming at it as a way of The way We were just saying like

bodybuilders when they try and get ripped they just gain a ton of weight because you can gain a lot of muscle through fat try every different type of guy on bulk as a guy become every type of guy overdose on masculinity and then do the winter cut do the winter cut and be like you know what winter bulk I don't like I don't like being a chain wallet guy

I don't like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is not me. And slowly cut out. But for now, do as many dumb dude, do as much dumb dude bullshit as possible. Yeah. And then go from there. Yeah. Because there must have been a guy that you like dreamt of being. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Come on.

Everyone kind of has that. There's a guy I see in my head that's a version of me. Oh, me too. Brad Pitt. Yeah. I've said this before on the podcast and it's so funny if you see it because we don't have our usual setup. We can pull shit up. But Colin Farrell in Miami Vice. Damn. Is who I was like, yeah. And I think he was coked out in real life. No, no. That, I've done, I love that movie and I've done a lot of research on it. Yeah. He,

says he doesn't remember filming that movie. He went right from there to rehab. He was so pilled out and fucked up. Wow. And it kind of, it really, it literally helps the performance. I want to, that's a Michael Mann movie. Great movie. Great movie.

Penguin's hilarious. I love that show. Who's the girl? What's her name? Yeah, that's good. Yeah, yeah. Oh, she's great. She's incredible, dude. What's her name? She's in Palm Springs. She was in Palm Springs. She was... Christina Miladi. Miladi. Wow. She's in Wolf of Wall Street. She's his first wife. She's incredible in that. I mean... She's almost too good. It is, for real. Yeah, yeah. Because I was about to turn...

I think what the Penguin is, and this is what the first Joker was, which was they're making Marvel movies for... I know it's DC, but, like, the first Joker just stole two different Martin Scorsese movies. It was Taxi Driver and it's the King of Comedy. Right. And it's, like, four cinephile bros. They're like, we're going to make a Marvel movie for them. And I like...

as that like I thought people went too crazy calling it a great movie it was not it was but it was entertaining and it was like hey it's the stuff I like it's the same shit I like yeah it reminds me of all the things that I love it reminds me of the stuff I like because I'm not a comic book nerd yeah but the I am a Scorsese nerd and I feel the same way about the Penguin and the Sopranos it just feels like that's true they're doing stuff I love from the Sopranos and he's doing his voice he's kind of doing his voice is exactly he kind of does it's too much it's a little much

And their walk, too. Yeah. He is a good enough actor that for moments, certain scenes, it doesn't bother me. And she's incredible. She should be the star. She's incredible. She's like...

I mean, not only she's so hot, but she's also, like, such an insane act, such an insanely good actress. And there is stuff to do with that character. Like, it's weird how good it is, how good. But it's like, yeah, it's like, should I remember? And I got to, I watched the first two episodes, but I'm sure the third one, they start with his little sidekick. And it kind of, I was like, I don't need to know.

to know me as a kid. I don't need signals. And can I just say this? Get me the hot insane woman. Can we get some real busted looking men in these roles? We don't need the hottest fucking... It does... Please. I know. Colin Farrell in particular, it's tough because I love him. Yeah, I know. He's amazing. But come on. That's what... I mean, I said it on Caleb's podcast where I was like, I love the Sopranos because it's also... It's a fat... It might be more fat than Italian. Yeah.

It might be. You know what I mean? There's so many obese people in that. And it's like, never has there been a showcase for fat people like The Sopranos. And it's like, there's somebody that could have been playing that role. I don't want to do it. It's not about me. No, no. I'm not trying to be Oz Cobb. OK? But someone's out there that can fucking do it.

Although I wouldn't mind being in a couple scenes with Christine, you know what I mean? You should watch the latest episode then, because it's all about her. You see her in the jail. In Arkham. Oh, shit. But it is funny. And she's all young. They make her look... Nice. She'll probably be hot forever.

I love that the most craziest play some people can think of is Arkham Asylum. Well, dude, that's the most insane shit I can imagine. Watching this show, it's like, why the fuck does this have anything to do with Batman? Yeah, I know, right? It's like, make this a show about, why is it Batman? Like, it could be a much better show if it's not tethered to all this dumb bullshit, but whatever. I'll watch it. I'll, uh, I'll eat my slop. Shout out all TV shows right now. Yeah. Love them all. They're so good. Uh,

All right, what else we got, Big Momo? Sorry, guys, you good? A couple more calls? I'm having a great time. Please do, yeah, yeah. Yeah, go ahead. Me and Katie can handle it. Yeah, we got this. What's up, Stavi? Esteemed guest, eldest. I'm calling today because I got some life advice I need. I'm with this girlfriend of two years. I love her. She's beautiful.

But when we got together, we were both big stoners. And I'm kind of getting to a point in my life, I just turned 24, I feel like my frontal lobe has formed as much as it can. And

I want to take on responsibility and just be a, learn some skills and, you know, my life, um, without, uh, smoking weed every day. And I want her to do the same because I want a partner that I can grow with. But whenever I broach the subject with her about her quitting weed, um, she gets defensive. Um,

brings up this trauma about her past that was really fucked up and says that like because of that the weed like helps her um

Which, when she brings that up, I can't really... She's got you, brother. ...say anything to that. She's got nothing. But I don't think that doing drugs every day helps her get through that. I think it's kind of a band-aid. You might be right. Anyway, so basically, how would you go about...

Telling your significant other that you love very much that you don't want to be with someone who kind of is a stoner and just has like weed kind of control their life. This fucking guy's pissing me off a little bit here. Asking you? It's making me sad. No, no, I'm actually on a sober year. I really love this girl.

I want to be with her, but I also want a partner I can grow with and learn things and not stand in bed all day smoking weed.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, listen. Okay. First of all, it's all noble and everything, but let's fucking relax. You've stopped smoking weed for two fucking weeks, and now you're like, I can't possibly be with a stoner. That's a beautiful point. Get off your fucking high horse right now. Like, this is the guy who just started keto, and he's telling everybody, like, that muffin's going to kill you.

You know what I mean? It's like, you're being a fucking prick here, buddy. He's kind of like in the honeymoon period. Yeah, it's like sobriety. Yes, exactly. And he can't stop. So basically this guy they called Dan Eric, he, him and his girl were both huge stoners when they dated. I think he's, they're 24 now, Mo. So they started dating a couple years ago. They're like in their early 20s. They both were stoners. He's quit smoking and he wants to like, in his words, kind of grow up.

His girl, every time he tries to get her to do it, she's like, I don't want to do it. And she has like some trump card. Something horrible happened to her and she's like, because of this, I have to smoke weed, whatever. So he gets to a, they get to a wall every time he tries to say don't smoke. And he's basically asking what to do now. He got a little sanctimonious at the end saying he can't be with somebody who, he can't, he doesn't want to be with a stoner anymore. Meanwhile, that's who you fucking are. Yeah.

Like that's, that's like, let's not be, I'm with, I was with him on everything except the hypocrisy here. Right. Um, so anyway, if you're 24, there's one, here's one universal truth before getting into the specifics here. This is the age that,

Where people start fucking, where the like... Split, too. Yes, people's lives start going different places, right? Like, college, everyone gets fucked up constantly, and then you check back in on your friend who's the funnest friend ever. They passed away. Yeah, exactly. He fucking... Best case scenario, they passed away. Best case scenario, yeah. A drunk driving accident where only he died. You know what I mean? Like, it's him versus a fucking telephone pole. Best case scenario, right? Um...

And so this is just when this kind of shit happens, right? It's like this age, like you just start to diverge. And another universal truth, most relationships that start at fucking 22 or younger, for the most part, don't necessarily, you know what I mean? So there is a small, there is a chance, I won't even say small chance, but there's a chance that

You guys could just be different people. I had a college girlfriend where when we met, we were both in the same public affairs scholarship program. And she went to grad school and I was like, she went to grad school in D.C. and I was like sick. And I used her and I would go visit her and do open mics and not spend time with her. And very quickly our lives diverged. And she was like, I can't. Obviously she was like, I can't do this and whatever. She's crazy.

God bless her. I think she wanted to have a family within a year, within like two years. And I was like, I mean, that's so clearly not me. It's insane, right? So it's like, that kind of shit happens. Now, let's give him, I guess, some actual advice in his situation. Is it a problem yet is my first question. You know what I mean? I think just go to your rock climbing gym, chill out. Like sign up for your class or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

Just, you know, don't act on this too quick. Right, right, right. Yeah, my hunch is that he's making it a problem already. It's like, has this hindered your life yet? Nah. You just started...

And as if he's so clear-minded. And, like, their lives are at such different places. You just started this fucking bullshit. This isn't a problem yet. You're getting ahead of yourself. You do whatever the fuck. Yeah, go to coding boot camp or whatever the fuck you think is going to change your life. Like, live...

live these wildly different lives that you that he's imagining it's like he thinks he's gonna be a fucking bitcoin millionaire while she's fucking watching aqua team hunger force you know what i mean like like you're not different yet you know what i mean yeah given the two weeks yeah become different before you start work because i know people who i have friends who smoke weed every day yeah and

And are they as successful or like as industrious as they could be? No. But are they still really fucking successful and like it works for them? Yes, they are. Right. And maybe I would, you know, I stopped smoking weed. I just needed to fuck, I was getting too fucked up. But like, it's not like I can't hang out with them. Yeah. And even now, like I'm doing a sober year.

A lot of my friends are still getting fucked up. It's not really affecting. A lot of my closest friends are getting fucked up. It's not affecting our relationship. Now, our relationship is different. I know that. Right? But there's plenty of people in relationships that were one person sober and one person isn't. Could it become a deal breaker? Yes. But right now. It feels so much worse at 24 where you're like, I remember like, you know, seeing people that weren't drinking. I was like.

Oh, my God. Who can't body an old-fashioned woman. You know what I mean? And now it's like, you don't even think about it. It's not going to be up all night. No, you're so right, dude. 24 of these do feel like insane life differences. You do. And I also remember I was one of these people who, being a stoner, was a shithead.

huge part of my identity at 24. You know what I mean? Like I was, I was one of those guys in the way like drinking bros or like you go and you get fucked up. Like I was never, I drank, but I was never, I was way more of a weed guy. And also like I'm a little older where it was like,

it was still illegal, so you had a good hookup. Like, you were the... Being a weed guy did feel kind of like... More important. More important, more... But, like, you know, people came... If you had good weed, that was literally cool. Yeah, right. Like, being like, oh, that guy's got good shit, you know? Like, I wanted to be that guy. Yeah. But, you know, these fucking kids don't know nothing about that. I remember being at the grocery store. Your fucking dispensaries. Yeah.

I was like, my girlfriend didn't really drink very much, and I was like, it would be so fun if we could get fucked up together. Yeah. And I remember going to the grocery store in my hometown, and I saw this girl from high school that was there with her boyfriend, and they were picking up, like, a handle of vodka for the night. And I remember feeling so jealous of their relationship. And they both died. Come on! I'm not kidding you. Badly. They died badly, and I can't go into it because it'll give away details, but they're no longer with us.

You know what I mean? So you'll change. You change. Yeah. Holy fuck, dude. The next episode, when we do the next one, we're going to catalog every death. Yeah. Yeah, I want to see a chart of them. Yeah, yeah. I think it's all connected somehow. Yeah, yeah. Through me. You, bro. You're the harbinger of death. That's so funny, too, because I remember one time.

One of my best friends was talking about... We were hanging out and he was like, oh yeah, I'm going to go get fucking high as shit in order to take out and watch movies with my...

fiance and it dawned on me that that was possible like yeah that you could do that with a girl like in my head a girlfriend was like someone you had to pretend to be a better person than you were completely not yourself I could listen to bass nectar with her yeah yeah yeah and I was like it literally made me like romantic I was like oh my god like I could fucking get high as shit and like maybe I can't watch John Wick but I can watch a fucking Michael Mann movie you know what I mean like but

But that literally was a step to be like, maybe I do want that. But anyway, look, dude, you're a little... Don't get ahead of yourself. Yeah, I agree with you. God bless you, by the way. God bless you. Hey, first, yeah, God bless. Of course. We can't forget that. And then it goes without saying. But I think, yeah, like trying out your new lifestyle choices that you want to try so bad. Yes. And then...

Because he said that she's really important to him. Yeah. Too. So give it some time. Totally. And then if you find it's not working, then I think I would draw a harsh line and say cut your losses. For sure. And you can't be codependent. Yes. And like waste. You just don't want to waste years. Trust me. Yes.

Trust me. Thinking you're going to help somebody. Mary has a kid. That's how much this has fucked her up. She's at a great point in her life. No, I made an incredible point, but I made a lot of bad decisions. A lot of time with the wrong people who waste your time. Like,

And I just don't want your time to be wasted. Yes. Yes. That's a good point. I agree. I agree. I think ultimately that's true, but I think he, yes, you said it. Give it at least six months of like trying to do your own thing. Exactly. Cause I think you're being a little, Oh, you're just overdoing it. Too excited for your new. I,

I've been there. You know how many, you know how much fucking like how many times I've bought like workout equipment and like shirts that were two sizes smaller than what I, I'm like, well, you're like, I'm gonna have to cut out. My full wardrobe has to be an excess. I'm going to be too excess. Like just how much they're just in the package. How much still lands end in the package I have. Like, you don't want to be that guy yet, buddy. You haven't made the changes yet. Yeah. Unopened equipment. Yeah. I literally, I ordered kettlebells on Amazon this morning. Yeah.

After watching a Joe Rogan action Bronson clip where they work out together. I love that. Yeah, that's a good workout. And my girlfriend did eat a cookie this morning and I was shaking my head. That's not the lifestyle I want to be a part of anymore, girl. You need to give that shit up now if you want to stay with this.

Oh, what the hell's going on? I thought I was in Los Angeles talking to Katy and Eric, but I'm... I'm keeping it fucking twisted and... Oh, Ben's here? It's time to keep it twisted! We've been transported to the studio for... to keep it twisted?

All right, I guess we'll keep it twisted. Thanks to our friends at Twisted Tea with a twisted, fucked up question. We don't actually know what it's called yet. We still haven't decided what the segment's called, but time to keep it twisted. This player's the twisted, motherfucking, fucked up call of the day. Hell yeah. Hey, Stobby.

Got a weird question. I'm not too sure if it even really matters currently in life, but something I've been thinking about for a long time. But my best friend is currently married, has been married for a long time, let this grow off and on for 10 years. But back in the day when one of the times... He's been married off and on? Whatever. I think he meant the relationship's been off and on. I got it, you fucking prick. He's been married for a long time, let this grow off and on for 10 years.

But back in the day, when one of the times they were off, he or she started to bang one of my other good buddies. Oh, what? This other buddy and my... Keep it twisted. That lady was keeping it fucking twisted as hell. Sampling the friend's cock on a break. She was absolutely keeping it. And then going back and marrying the guy. Salute to her for keeping it twisted. Yeah.

My other good buddies and this other buddy and my other best friend were never really friends. So, okay. Okay. Um, maybe it wasn't that she told my one buddy that she started fucking that she wanted to have a threesome with him and I, now that never happened. I never, now that is, I take back what I said. She is keeping it very twisted. You know, a pride goes,

You know what? I won't even say it. Let's keep going. Now, that never happened. I never did anything with her. He didn't keep it twisted. And they eventually stopped fucking. And respect. She got back with my other best friend. Sometimes you can't always keep it twisted, folks. That's a really good question. Sometimes you have to know to keep it just twisted enough. And I respect our caller for not. You can get it over twisted. And he didn't over twist it. He sounds like our friend here is keeping it just twisted enough.

Ooh!

It's definitely something I think is super weird and I would love to tell him or whatever, but I'm not sure what to do about that. You can tell this guy is new to getting twisted. Yeah, he does not know about keeping it twisted. This got him twisted in a bad way. She twisted him up too, too, too much, dude. Now, here's an example of keeping it twisted in a positive way.

Having a cookout, having a couple delicious twisted teas, that's keeping it just twisted enough. You know, 5% alcohol by volume, brewed with real iced tea, couple of those, that's keeping it twisted in a nice way. Yeah. Trying to fuck your husband's...

best friend in a threesome, that's keeping it much too twisted. But what's he even saying here? It's not like it's going to happen. It's true. It's not like it's going to happen, but he's basically saying like...

Like, okay, again, this is good because I can all... A child with a best friend. If the eldest's wife at some point was dating some other guy... If the eldest is married to some completely other woman who was dating in a break between... Or even before, right? On again, off again is weird. But even if it was randomly before you had an opportunity to do some depraved shit with, like, your best friend's then, you know, future wife...

It would be like... That's kind of...

That's weird that I was there for that. You know what I mean? Like, now... But I'm with you. It's not... It's 10 years ago. Exactly. If this is just some other guy, he never hears about this. He never even thinks about it. And everybody has kept it twisted to that degree one way or another. Yeah. I think we've all done some twisted... Oh, yeah. Some twisted deeds sexually. Legal. That's why... Twisted as in freaky. That's why I'm like... No ditty. It's just like, what is...

It's like, yeah, 10 years ago, like people were, when we were young, we were all fucking and doing stupid shit. The break is actually the hard thing though. Cause she had already dated his best friend. They were on a break. She tried to fuck him essentially. And then, and then she goes and marries him. It's like, yeah, obviously I do think effectively, what do you do?

And also, it's like, what are you, best friends with his wife? You don't have to see her. You know what I mean? But does his friend know? Probably not, right? It seems like he doesn't. I mean, that's the thing. Like, I agree with you in theory about the 10-year thing. But if I find out that, like, my wife, like, propositioned my buddies, kind of be like, I want to do a threesome with, like, Stav and one of your friends that you're not nearly as close with as Stav.

That would be crushing to discover amid marriage and just would not feel good. But I'm even confused what this question is. See, he's asking, I would love to tell him or whatever. No, he doesn't want to tell him. He just says it's weird. He doesn't know what he... I think he feels...

I don't know. Is he feeling guilty or does he feel... It's not like... Okay, here's the other thing. Your best friend, it's not like he has a right to know. Oh, he feels guilty about it because of his friend. I thought he was like, do you think it could possibly happen? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But, you know, that's the caliber of question we often get. Sure, sure, sure. He's not keeping it that twisted. Now I get it. This is a guy that doesn't... He keeps it an appropriate amount of twisted. This guy does not get that twisted. No, no. So...

Um, I mean, look, ultimately, I think your, your hunch is correct. Too much, too much time has passed. Even if it hadn't passed, it's like you didn't fuck her.

She wanted to fuck you when she was single. That's really what it comes down to. She wanted to fuck you when she was single, right? The fact that another guy was there, this is like a hard math problem where it's like you're thrown off by like the coefficient. But it's like, just take that out. First, you got to solve what's inside the parentheses first. And so let's take out the fucking threesome stuff. Essentially, your buddy's wife...

when she was single wanted to you she had a little wild phase exactly 10 years ago one of the guys she wanted to in her wild face was you

That's fine. You didn't fuck her. There's probably a lot of other guys too. Brother. Yeah, that's the other thing. That's the thing. This is... She probably fucked a bunch of other guys. Who cares? That's part of what it is. Everyone is like young, whatever. And then you fucking settle down when you're done. Totally. When you're done sucking and fucking to that degree, right? So you didn't do anything. The fact that she kind of wanted to get Eiffel Towered by you and some guy...

Maybe it's a little strange, but that's it. That's the... You just stop thinking about it. You just stop thinking about it. There's nothing else to do. It's been a long time. You can't tell him. That's crazy. Crazy. What do you even get out of telling him? That would be way too twisted. Yeah, that would be...

so twisted I can't even we can't condone you would actually be the most twisted person in this situation what the wife did is not wrong she was just on a break and fucked some guys and then figured out she liked your friend enough later to fucking get married people need time to go through their shit the only person who would do something wrong here is you to tell him hey

You would just be throwing something that even on Elvis' example, that would be crushing, but you couldn't... It would just be so weird because you couldn't even be like, how dare you? You know what I mean? It would just be like... You'd open a can of worms and make it their problem. And it's nobody's problem. Exactly. You would be creating a problem out of nothing. I would be.

I want them to do it. Tell them. No, Ben. Call them up right now. Ben, you're keeping it too twisted, Ben. I'm sorry, dude. I'm just getting so twisted over here. You're keeping it way too twisted right now. I'm just getting so excited by the idea of being twisted. Dude, do it. You have to, man. Don't do it. You can't let this weight. You can't keep carrying this weight, man, for another seven years. What weight? Just at a barbecue every once in a while, you look over her and you're like, huh.

She wanted to fuck me off. Who cares? Who cares? Especially, I would say, women, like, when they go through a phase, they don't even have to think you're hot, necessarily. If it's, like, a moment where they feel, like, safe. You know? It's like, it doesn't matter. It's like... So many people, like, my friend group, everybody fucked everybody. Well, you're a bunch of fucking freaks. Ha ha!

We're all a bunch of freaks living in a fucking warehouse with no heat. So you had to fuck each other for warmth in the wintertime more than anything. That's so true. It wasn't even twisted to do it, to fuck anymore. It became twisted to not fuck.

So anyway, pal, look, don't tell your friend. Just internalize this. It's really not that big a deal. So you just know most people don't get access to their friend's significant other's wild sides. They all had them. We've all had them.

So you just have too much information. Don't create a problem that doesn't need to exist. And more importantly, grab a refreshing twisted tea today and keep it twisted. Whoa, whoa, I'm getting sent back to Los Angeles, man. Keep it twisted. All right, I think we could do one more. Does he have, sometimes he highlights one to end on. Did we have anything like that, Mo? No. No? I'll read you the ones that are left.

What's the last one? Is the last one a good one? Man's friend is ghosting him even though she owes him $500 for some editing. Okay, that's the last one? That's the last one. I got, uh, man's wife loves candy, is derailing his weight loss. All right, let's do that one. Yeah, say no more. Let's end on that one. Yeah.

Hey, Stav. Big fan of yours. Love listening to the pod. Hey, Eldest. Hey, Esteem. He doesn't love you. He's not here. Wanted to give a call in and ask for some advice. Essentially, I am trying to go through a bit of a health kick where I'm trying to eat better. But my wife...

is a person who loves to shop for deals and she routinely finds the bags of candies or candy chocolates that are on sale and will buy them and bring them home, which is great. I love that she's all about a good deal and saving money, but whenever she has these sweets in the house,

I am very tempted to eat them and I don't know if it would be wrong of me to ask her to stop doing it. Jesus Christ. This guy is so scared of his wife. It's crazy. Or if there's any advice you can give me how to keep from that temptation.

Whether I worked through not being sensitive, no longer wanting to eat chocolates and candies or had to have a conversation with my wife to stop buying them and filling up, not filling up our pantry, but...

He won't even use harsh language in the description of this. I love how he's saying, like, well, I really respect that she's saving money on candy. It's not fucking dry. It's not shit you need. It's like she always gets a good deal. There's no such thing as a good deal on something you don't need. Yeah, exactly. Truly. Is it like, do you live in a dimension where...

Halloween is every day. What do you need fucking, what do you need candy, what do you need to save money on candy for? I'm picturing like, you know, when you check out at Marshall's and they have those little tubs. It's like six years old. It's like something you've never heard of. It's like cinnamon Twix. Coffee flavors. Twizzler flavor. Mango guava Twizzlers. I also like how he was like, and she brings it home and

I become tempted by them. Like it's like sexual. Yeah. It's like there's two problems here that he can't talk to his wife and two that he can't resist candy. Yeah. But I do love that. He's like, should I have a,

pretty straightforward conversation with my wife or should I become the type of person that is not tempted by candy? He's like, should I completely redo my, you know, the way I'm programmed? Should I become like a fucking, should I get like Buddhist monk level of like, you know? You can't beat sugar. Sugar has a crazy hold over our society. Yeah. You know what I mean? Amen, brother. You gotta keep it. I'm legit. You're actually right. Yeah.

That is a serious chemical, brother. And you might laugh about it. I'm serious. Chocolate flavored, but that is a drug that is very powerful. Same as alcohol or anything else. We're in the weird vortex of both joking and serious about this. You know what I mean? I know, I know. It is crazy. It's like the most addictive substance. It's so much. I have done every drug. I can't stop drinking Cokes. Yeah, yeah. It tastes delicious. I really shouldn't. Yeah.

No, she's fine. Really, really soon. But no, I know, but like I have gotten fucked up on pretty much everything. I mean, I've never shot heroin, but I've taken plenty of pills that are the same thing. And without a doubt, like it's so much, you could put Xanax and there's like chocolate covered almonds and I will eat the chocolate covered almond. And then like, that's what, I mean, I'm in a hotel and

because of the little snack bar they got there. You're getting Jordan almonds? Dude, they're so good. Jordan ones are good, too. Those are the funniest candy on the planet. Well, I guess that's candy coated, right? Candy coated. Jordan almonds are interesting because Greek people use them as actually... To me, they have a religious connotation. Yeah, they definitely do. Because Greek people give them out on a baptism...

They're part of... You get a little party favor and you get Jordan Allman's. Yeah. And so I just... I would cry. Sometimes I would find like old ones that my mom forgot about and I was stale-ass Jordan Allman, just like a fat little five-year-old. But... Yeah, I mean, this guy...

He's so scared of his wife, it's hysterical. I guess there's three problems going on. That is the problem. Fear. Wife. Insane wife fear. Insane wife fear. Weight gain, sugar, losing control. And he's trying to lose weight. That's amazing. So you think that your wife values saving money on candy that it's not clear is actually necessary in your home more than she values helping you

have a healthier and longer life? You think your wife would get pissed? I feel like it's a really, I don't like confrontation at all, but I think even I could deal with this one. I could be like, hey babe, I just, you know, I'm trying not to eat so much candy. Can you stop buying Reese's? You should actually motivate her by doing, hire someone on Fiverr, get a kid in Sweden, wherever, to design a picture of you.

with cum gutters, you're fully jacked, like all Seville, like sinewy, say, this is me without candy. And if you continue to bring this into our household...

That's perfect. You're killing this guy. This man will never live. He's going to be smited by his wife for doing that. Yeah, I mean, I would love to talk to this guy about his relationship with his wife. There might be something deeper going on. There is something so much deeper. He sounded very innocent, so maybe there's not. What if she's like one of those, you know that relationship dynamic where someone's force-feeding the other one?

Ooh, feeder. Like they wanna. Oh, she's a feeder? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A candy feeder? I'm really scared of finding somebody like that. Oh, yeah. If someone like that enters my life, I'm done. If a hot woman was like, have more dessert, do you know how fucked I'd be? Don't you wanna stay in bed? Yeah. I can bring you food. Oh, man. I wouldn't be done. That's a horror movie. That's who Satan sends me. Yeah, yeah. That's truly like...

That would destroy me. Destroy me. There is no more devious person to bring into my life than that. Baby, you hungry? I mean, that would kill me. Kill me. Um,

So, yeah, dude, I mean, I don't know what to tell you. You're a fucking coward. God bless you. Talk to your wife. Yeah, God bless you. Talk to your wife. It's insane that you're even asking this question. Or just say fuck it and have a little candy every day. Or have a bite. Yeah, you're going to have a bite. That's the other question. She's going to taste. The other question is how out of shape are you? Yes. Does she want you in shape? Is this a weird thing where she's like, you're too fat? Uh-huh.

And then she's also bringing candy. Like we're really putting, she could just be a nice woman who likes buying candy. But at the same time, that's possible. But either way, you need to learn to stand up for yourself in the most minute ways possible. Right. I can't think of, like you just, like you just said, Katie, this is barely confrontation. Yeah. In a vacuum. This isn't even something you worry about. So it's either you're scared of your wife or you're such a people pleaser that

he's so worried about bringing anything up. He's got, I'm sure he's got a whole world of problems. Find some coupons for a fruit or something. Sneak them under her pillow at night. Yeah. And then, you know, God, I hate to think that she thinks she's doing something really sweet. That's, that's, that's true. And it's all one conversation. It's one conversation that could have solved everything. So go talk to her, man. Just talk to her. Also, it's just like, how,

How much candy is in this house? Who's eating it? I don't know. There's many questions unanswered. What's she like? You know what I mean? Like, is she like a little, is she a little plump? She doesn't give a fuck? Is he, is that his actual problem? I mean, there's so many questions here, folks, and we'll never get to the bottom of it. Cliffhanger. Yeah. I loved this question. Talk to your wife, brother.

And you know what I think will really help your relationship? A night out at the movies. Don't you guys think? Wow, wow. You know where they got candy, but full price. Actually, we're sneaking in cheap candy actually saves you money. The movie theater. Have your last bite. Have your last bite at a showing of Let's Start a Cult, available to rent or purchase on VOD right now. But

Go do that. Thank you guys so much. Anything else you guys want? Sorry, we only plugged the movie. Anything else you want people to see? No? Great. Go look at the movie. Thanks for doing this. This was so fun, guys. We literally will do this again next time we do an LA one. And yeah, that's going to do it for us, folks. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Go see Let's Start a Cult on VOD this week, this Tuesday, November 12th. So see you next time, guys. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.