Sydnee Washington is an Old Soul
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Don't text me lowercase if you're on the ledge. You better throw some capitals in there. If you're about to jump, throw a capital in there. I don't have it capitalized. I don't have the strength. Well, then you don't have the strength to jump either. You're in my city. I'm in your city. I have to say that up top. I moved to New York. Did you ever think it would happen? I knew it was. No, you did not. All that yapping you

- Oh God. - Y'all don't have no space for rats, for poverty, blah, blah, blah. Look at you, look at you. You couldn't wait. You couldn't wait to get here. - I don't know about couldn't wait. I came kicking and screaming. I came kicking and screaming. - The lies, the lies, Caleb. - This city, I've seen some things already. This city is a tough place to live. - You've seen talent, you've seen power, you've seen raw emotion. - Now where have I seen talent? - It's everywhere, it's everywhere.

Everywhere. I'm playing. From the security, from the subway. I'm playing. The corner store. Don't do that. You know, LA, you got to, there's a lot of searching. Searching and searching. Here, it's right next to you. I'm not looking for town anywhere I go. Oh. Because it's everywhere I go.

Because I'm there, Sid. Come on now. Narcissist. Baby, tell my story. Tell my story. Tell them about me. Maybe I am a narcissist because even you saying something about me felt good. I was like, that's nice. Even she's dragging me. I felt nice. I see the glow. You're really alive now. I'm alive when I'm with you. It's good to see you. Caleb, wait. How did we meet? I'm trying to remember. Grindr. Stop. Stop.

Grindr. I met you in LA though, right? Did you? I feel like, no, no, no. I did. I genuinely feel I've known you my whole life.

You know what and that's the power that's the power of queerness that is the power because I don't know when I met you but I know that I I met you and then I said that's that's family yes no immediately I was like oh no no no he's gonna be here for a while and then oh and then you came to New York and that's when we had our last knit and I was like you have you have to do the show I did the knitting factory yeah comedy at the knit and you you

And I was like, okay, Caleb, clearly he doesn't need us. Oh, I felt so special to be on that show because there were so many great comics and a bunch of people I didn't know. But I knew of them. Yeah. I know. The internet. I know you. Yeah. I've seen their stuff. I've seen them on a show or something. But people that we didn't know each other personally. And I was like, oh, I hope I do a good job. You did. You did. And you were, your name is?

And now look at you, king, celeb, here. Now I'm over here. In the suits. What's going on with you? Oh, so much, so much. You know, there's always so many eras in me. Eras, you know, the eras tour and then there's Sydney eras. Sydney eras, yeah. And so I was in LA, miserable, and now I've blossomed into where I need to be, you know, a glowing, in

inspiring motivational speaker in New York. Yes, yeah. I'm looking for an apartment. That's hell. Yes. That's hell. Yes. That's hell. But looking for an apartment near me, I hope. I don't know. Wherever my card is going to get swiped right, you see you in a different bracket, babe. You got property. Yeah.

You are a Rothschild. It's different for me. I just need you by me. Yeah, okay. I don't care what it takes. I don't care what we have to do, what strings we have to pull. Well, I know you got rooms, so if you really want me by you, then, I mean, just get me in with it. It's living room, bedroom, bathroom, whatever room you got for me. All you have to do, if you ever need to stay with me, you know, you can come over there. I will lay my bob on your pillow. You can come over there. I will. So where you been? You weren't in New York for a minute. Where'd you go? Uh,

Well, you know, I've been hopping and bopping around. I was in West Nyack last week. I was in Pittsburgh before that. Oh, did you do Pittsburgh? Did you do Bottle Rocket? I did. Oh, I love Bottle Rocket. Yeah, no, that's fam. That's fam there. I didn't know that Pittsburgh could bring such...

Alive people. Yeah, people are great there. They're fun. And you know, I got a little fan over the fans over there. So it's good. I went to Dublin. That was nice. What were you in Dublin for? For a comedy festival. You were in a comedy festival? Yeah, you know, I'm international. I know you're international. Because you did London as well. You did Soho. Yeah, I did Soho Theater. You know, I didn't sell it out. But you know, you start somewhere so that you can have something to do next time, you

You don't have to tell me about being a fan of Sidney Washington. I'm one of the originals. I've been in here. Quiet as it's kept, I'm slept on. I'm most slept on individually in New York, just so everybody knows. You think you're slept on? I'm slept on. Do you think you're slept on? I mean, these realtors, they're sleeping on me because I'm like, baby, give me the apartment. Why are you trying to give me a slither of a space so I could fold up a piece of bread to lay on? I need an apartment so that I could really thrive.

I'm not on the internet right now until I get properly housed. And that's that. Sydney. That's that. I'm going to tell you a hard truth. You're a little difficult with the apartment search because you called me the other day and you said, I'm not having brown cabinets. I don't want no brown cabinets. I don't want no white refrigerators. I have brown cabinets. You know what? You also have rooms. You have many rooms. I'm not doing brown cabinets to be in a studio that's...

smaller than this. I'm not doing that. So I know that New York, I obviously, I'm going to get a, I love New York, a neck tattoo. I will die for the city. But what I won't do, I'm not paying $4,000 to live in a slit.

I'm not. It's not happening. So there's that. But what I'm asking for, if you want these crazy prices, right, then I need everything updated. I need the doorman to be awake and to make sure he's secure. I don't want to do no walk-ups.

Why is it $3,500 for me to go to the fifth floor? Oh, no, no. I should be elevated to the fifth floor. New York, what it is is she knows that she's that girl. But you're dusty, though. You're that girl. But there's so much dust. And I just want New York to ease up. I blame Eric Adams. Do you? Yes.

His thug passion, vape pen, and he's wearing Uptowns. He's going to every club. He has no respect. He actually, I can't wait. We will arrest when Eric Adams is out of the city. You think we need a Republican in there? No.

I didn't say that. I did not say that. Why would you? Why do you have to take it to? I'm asking questions. I'm an interviewer, babe. No, what I'm asking for is a mayor that cares about its people. Yeah. I can't be a creative if I'm stressed about living. Yeah. Living somewhere. New York was best early 2000s. I'm just going to keep it 1,000 with you. New York was best. You know who the mayor was? Who? Rudy Giuliani. I know. I know.

- I know. - We can't put this out. We can't put this out. We can't put this out. They're gonna have a heyday. They're gonna have a heyday with it. Don't put this out. - I'm a stand on it. I'm gonna ruin it, Giuliani.

Yes, my city. My city was glowing. Okay. Yes, it was crazy. It was crazy. Yes, we had 9-11. But it was still, honestly, 9-11 is what made New York as powerful as it is. Yeah. Because it would let people know, it's like, bitch, we are the people that they want to shut down. We're not going to Minnesota. We're not going to Kansas City. Cool it, cool it, cool it. We're not going to Philadelphia. Well, they did, but that's no here, no there. But I'm just saying.

You told me to cool it. Now we calm? Now we're calm. Okay. We're calm. You have to be careful in the Midwest. Oh, yes. It's special to me. I apologize. It's a special place. No, well, people there don't have to live on top of each other, so it's harder to do terrorism. That is true. Okay. That is true. That is true. I just want to say, because you guys have so much space,

You're missing a lot of what? Personality. Yeah. And brains. Yeah, missing personality and brains in the middle of the country. You just have so much space and so much power that you're bored. Yeah. And it's not a lot. The vibes, it's off. It's low vibrational. So the more you have to really work for something and have less weight, you're really going to bring out the best in you. Right. But when you just have it all, when it just comes to you, the space, the homes, the rooms...

Relax. So y'all go see Sydney at the Chicago Zanies when she comes through town. Y'all go see those tour dates when she comes through. They see me, baby. They see me. They know what I give. What do you think about creatively right now? What's going on with you doing stand-up right now? I am doing stand-up. I won't lie. There's a little bit of a block.

The blockage is... Oh, same. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The blockage is... I hate to do this to the youths because we're putting this on the internet, but I blame social media. For your creative block? Yes, absolutely. Do you want to walk me through that? I'm seeing too much. I'm knowing too much. I don't need any of this. I need a blank canvas for my brain and for what I want to put out there. But every time I pick up this fucking phone, I see...

Tom, Dick, and Harry. Mm-hmm. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Like, everybody has something to say. There's people...

POV there's the filming I remember when we just take a picture of a plate with a half eaten sandwich where's that at we don't do that no more that was good put a filter on it we don't do that no we don't take pictures of the sky we don't care about nature it's about what we are talking about who we're talking about gossip bits flexing traveling it's like

Can we get down to the basics? I'm taking pictures of the sky. I'm with you. I'm looking at the sunset. You do actually. I actually love when you do your dumps because it shows that you are a person. I'm a person. I'm doing stuff. Everything doesn't have to be right with you. No, I'm going to be a little off center. I'm doing me. I'm I'm I'm revolutionizing grid in my space. The Instagram grid. I'm taking I took everything down. I saw that. I'm keeping a couple posts up at a time. Wait, hold up, Caleb. I just want you to know and industry knows when.

When people start archiving stuff, what'd you book? What did you book that you have to cleanse your Twitter? Go on. Why? You say that and people keep saying that. They go, what's coming? I go, nothing. That's a lie. Nothing is coming. I'm not preparing for anything. Disney is what's coming. When you have one point.

Disney is on your back, babe. Disney, they wish. NBC. No, I've got nothing coming. I'm just, I don't like, I was looking at my Instagram feed. Really the reason for the grid cleanse specifically is I was like, I'm looking at my grid and you can go back. I have grid posts from when I was like,

Like you can go back so far in my life and look at all these different people that I was. And in a way I think that's can be beautiful, but a fan. But I was like, I don't want you to go back and look at that. I'm focused on what I got going on now. I don't want to think, and I don't have anything bad on there. No, I just am like, I'm, I'm like, I'm,

I'm me now. I'm doing my thing now. Where I like to have fun is the stories. The stories are what I'm doing right now. Stories are my music. Stories are what I'm having fun with. You will always hit us with a colorful background in the font. Yes. I say, Caleb, you're a true artist. I'm a create mode. When it's just about the words. Yes. That's when I know you're in your bag. I'm a create mode king. Yes.

I'm in the create mode. I am. I'll click through those backgrounds and type out a message. I'm a create mode king on the Insta stories. While people are in their notes app writing apologies for being a racist, you are actually using stories properly. To be racist. No.

I'm using create mode to do racism. Yes, yes. Tell them, tell them, tell them. No, I love your Instagram stories because specifically when you do the like, because some people might not know about you. My fans might not know. You did bottle service at a club for a long time. And your stories are unreal. They are very real, unfortunately. What's the craziest thing that ever happened to you doing bottle service? The craziest thing is...

a guy came in and he was by himself and he started buying like, like magnums of champagne by himself. Now, what's that run? How expensive are those? Um, it's, it's,

It was like a Cristal, so it was like $3,500, $4,000. And they're big bottles, and so it's him. So I'm drinking with him, and I could drink. And then some of the girls are drinking with him. They could drink, and we're drinking and drinking. And then he orders another one, and we're like, okay. There's a moment where you're like, ooh, we about to make money. And then it's like, oh, we about to have a problem. Because you're by yourself. And as much as we would love to hustle a straight life,

White man. This feels like it's going to fall back on us. But he assured us he's having a good time. He's good. He's drinking, drinking, drinking. He's obviously out of his mind. He's blackout at the end of the night and he has to sign off. And the bill, the bill is already crazy. It's like, you know, over ten thousand and something dollars. And so he looks at the thing and he's squinting and then he writes ten thousand dollars for the tip.

And I let him know, I was like, there's an overtip that like, you don't have to do this. Like, and I don't, why would I, why would I?

as a woman working say no no no i don't need this i love ten thousand dollars it's one of my favorite things please give me the ten thousand dollars yeah he's like you know yet no no and then we had to get we have to get people to verify so we got the manager we got the doorman we got the bathroom attendant everybody is verifying that this man knows that he's spending ten thousand dollars extra on top

On top of the top, like crazy night, crazy night. People were sweating. They were like, Sydney, this is wild. Like, I mean, we hope this plays out. So everybody signs, everybody's happy. And then we're pooled at tip. So I'm getting the bussers, the bar back. Everybody is getting paid out, right? So I got to go to Miami the next day.

I have so much cash on me. What are we doing? We on a boat. We at Nobu. We getting yellowtail, jalapeno, sashimi. Where else would we be? Yeah, I'm spending my money that I made the night before because I was like,

This is a blessing. God wouldn't give me something that I don't deserve. And so I'm splurging in Miami. I'm doing party favors, all this stuff. This is a three-day bender. Third day, manager calls me. Hey, Cindy, we got to talk. Sir, you can hear this air. Yeah. You can hear the sounds of Miami. You can hear this David Guetta. That's what you can hear. You can't hear me. I can't hear you. Okay.

And then I was like, it's time to hang up. But he's like, no, no, no, for real. So the guy who came in, who? What? He actually is disputing the $10,000. No. And I said, Eric, Kevin, James, stop. Like, you, we verified. Yeah. He said, well, you know, it's American Express.

I just want to put it out there. American Express users, they got it. Yeah. Because if they call them up and be like, nope, American Express says, okay, no problem. Crazy. So I had to come back. The bus, I feel bad for the bussers because the bussers is not making the same money, but they had to give the money. We all had to give the money back.

That is crazy. We had to give the money back. And that's when I was like, you know what? Maybe this job isn't for me. Do you have that guy's name? No. I should remember who this guy. But there's so many moments where people come in and they say yes. And then they're like, JK. I had an ex that had a business card that would buy bottles. And then he would call and be like, actually, that was not me.

Yeah. And there's, I mean, it's, people are wild. That's so crazy. But also the, the, the nightclub is a scam. America. So everybody is just, America is a scam. Yeah. Everybody over. So you got to take that L. You got to take that L. There's another time where, um,

I had these all these suits come in they're buying rose champagne this and just during the day this is like early time they're there for about four hours I am so excited because I was like oh this is the day I could go home I could go home at 11:00 they closed they I thought

that they closed out. I gave them, there's like a, 'cause I worked at a hotel too, so there's a hotel closeout and then there's a credit card closeout. I thought I swapped their card, I did not. So it was about 14 suits, they were not from here. They were not from the hotel, they left.

And I didn't realize that they were gone, that they didn't sign until maybe an hour after. And so I ran out and I asked one of the bellmen, I said, hey, did you see like 14 suits run out of here? They were like, well, they didn't run. They went in a van. And so the bellman ended up

finding out the driver who drove them to whatever hotel. It took about two weeks, but my manager was like, you have to pay back $5,000. You have to pay if you don't find them. And then in two weeks, the driver found the people. And I almost had sex with him. I almost had sex with the driver because I said, it's very serious to me. I said, did you really find these? How did you do it? Yeah, he found he found and they weren't even from there from Spain. So he

He did really good work. Old Russian dude. Old Russian dude. And I tried to give him money. He said, I don't want it. I said, you don't want this pooch? Bring back...

You don't want the Russian nesting doll? Well, who are you? Bring back men. Yeah, bring back men. That's a man. That's a man. Really, really nice guy. Bring back men. I've been saying this lately. Bring back men. Bring back men. I'm tired. Bring back, what happened to men? I don't know. We used to have men. That really just was like, they don't need anything. They don't want anything. They're just doing good work. Good men. Yeah. I mean, I think that's when I was straight.

I think after when I left, when I left and went to where I needed to be, I think everybody else was like, well, Sydney is no longer here. We must turn it up, turn it out. Yeah, turn it up and turn it out. Yeah. And disappear. And disappear. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

What other jobs did you have? Because you did that for a while, didn't you? You know what? As a black woman, we've been working all our lives. I will say I got out the womb and I was filling out W-2 forms. You had a calculator, yeah. Absolutely. One of the old-timey ones in a movie where it rolls out like that. Not you. That is not. I love that. That is not. The joke is that it's funnier. You ageist. Well, I am, but that's not what's happening right now. Right. Yeah, I've had...

More like hostessing, coat check. I did coat check when there was really no coats.

They put me in a box during April, May. Yeah. It was just like windbreakers and scarves and whatnot. And I was like, they see potential in me. They were like, we actually cannot hire you for a host yet because we were trying to kick this bitch out. Yeah. So they got her out of here. They were rotating me in, but they were like, we got to get you in. And as soon as we're done with her, we're going to slide you right to the hostess. And that was cute. That worked out.

from you I see any if you were ever my hostess or my co-check person I would be like I need to get her out of here we need to go have some fun oh they said it every time they said what now they said now what are you doing in this box and I said oh America least of all do I know America we have a problem yeah we have a problem get me out yeah get me on the stage what can you do I was just looking for somebody I was a danzel in a box yeah how did you start doing comedy um

How did I start doing comedy? Oh, okay. So I was working at this place called Rose Bar and I would have to do all of our cash out in the back rooms. And so a friend of mine, Marge, love her. Shout out Marge. She would film me after my shift and she would just film me like talking, doing bits, being online, like having commentary. And she did like this, she did like a little,

like real for me and she was like look at this you're so funny I was like I'm fucked up I'm wasted I'm black I am everything except what you want me to be and she's like no no no I think you're really good I think you should take a class and I took a class it was $450 I won my money back yeah what class was it like a stand up class or an improv class a stand up class and

And, you know, shout out to the teacher who was there. There was a teacher's presence there. I don't know if they was teaching comedy, but I was in there. And we had a graduation show. I brought my meanest friends, 10 mean friends. They came. They said, this was awful. Do not ever invite us to anything like this. But you...

I see something. You should still do this. You keep going. Just don't invite us to anything like this. Yeah. It was crazy. My friends were, I've never, like people scoff and be like, how could you say such unfunny things? Yeah. I was like, this is a graduation show. They were like, they got to go work somewhere. They have not graduated. Yeah. They have not graduated. Get back to the course. I couldn't imagine going to somebody's graduation and booing them. That's wild. But yeah.

That's the type of friends I had. Shout out to them. Stand up is one of the only things in comedy that you really can't learn outside of just doing it. You can learn improv. You can learn how to write a script. There are principles that you can learn about things. Stand up classes always strike me as funny because I'm like, go do a show.

Yeah, but sometimes it's structure, you know sometimes like like how a joke is made. Yeah, that's important But obviously funny is is born. Yeah, it's like internal you can't teach someone how to how to be they just have to have it So you've always been funny. Um

Funny things have happened to me. I've literally been an odd little chica. I grew up with old people, so their personality would rub off on me, and so I'm going to school being this young girl, but people ask me, like, how are you doing? I'm like, oh, when the good Lord take me. And they're like, what?

Six years old. Just say you're fine. Just say you're good. What is all of this scripture talk? So that was hilarious. People were like, you are like an old soul. You're like Rosa Parks. It's like, I don't want to sit in the back of the bus. I just want friends. So yeah, crazy things have always happened to me as a kid. I don't think I got funny until college. College, I really...

like came out of my shell and I was like, I'm about to get these bitches hell in these dorms. People could not go to class because I would be in a room just running my mouth. And they're like, this is so much better than TV. Yeah. And it is. I agree. I love that. Yeah. And so I think that and then being in nightclubs or whatever, you have to be somewhat comical to deal with these people. Yeah. You have to make light of.

People with money. It's like insane to see someone swipe their card for $15,000 of liquids. Yeah. No food. Just things that you drink. Just liquids. That's nuts. And we're not even talking about the drugs. If this is what you spend on liquids, sir. Who knows what's going up that nose. Oh. Pristine. Yeah. Top shot. Good shit. Yeah.

Well, so you, okay, so you are doing the bottle girl stuff. Is that the official term? Are we calling it hostessing? What are we calling it? Well. Because you know I don't go to clubs. No. So I don't know what we're calling folks in there. But why don't you? Sydney. You know I would not do well in a club. How come? I don't like it. You would come in and they would be like, who? They would already know. He's somebody. Hey. He is someone. I come in there wearing a Carhartt t-shirt. Yeah.

They're not going to think I'm somebody. No, I just want people to know. Everyone who's doing too much, like showing too much, those are the people who ain't got it. The people who come in with a thin t-shirt, maybe with a little stain on the shoulder, they the big boss. Yeah, those are the people. That's interesting. I bet you do learn a lot about wealth and the presentation of wealth in a job like that.

Yeah. Like, who's trying too hard to look like they've got it going on? That's a red flag in every... I've always said, when I first started comedy, I would say, Chance and I would talk all the time about, I would say, if you're killing it, you don't need to convince people you're killing it. And that's the truth about anything. Hold on now. Yeah. No, we really don't get into it. Come on. But people are followers and people are sheep. So you, sometimes you do have to put on so that people can think and follow you. Yeah. Because nobody wants...

Oh, relatable, that's out. Stop. You think relatability is out? There has to be hierarchy. That's why celebrities were celebrities because we're like, I will never be next to Nicole Kidman at the Starbucks. It's just not happening. And now everyone is like, I'm just like you. Why? Why would you do all of the things that you do to be next to the bitch who's in Flip Flops in the rain? Why would you do that? Yeah.

That makes sense. That's dumb. So it's like, I think that, you know, people are putting on because people don't know. People who are not in the industry have no clue of like, you know, what people are really doing. Yeah. And you can post anything. You can say anything.

And people are like, I guess it's true. I think the operative part of that is have to. If you're killing it, you don't have to convince people that you're killing it. You can. If you're killing it, you can act like you're killing it. You can tell people how great you're doing. That is an option, but you don't have to. If you're really killing it, you don't have to tell people that.

They will know. There are other ways to let people know, which is a lot of times just doing what you're doing. Just relax. Chill out. Well, sometimes you have to tell yourself that you're killing it. That is true. People are talking and it's not to the audience. It's to themselves. Yeah. So when they're like, you know, haters, haters.

Baby, ain't nobody hating. It's you hating you. So you are talking to yourself. You're dealing with that on the inside. Exactly. So when you see people doing these rants about, you know, y'all haters, y'all don't love me. See me when I get to the top. It's like when you see yourself at the top, then there'll be no haters. Well, that's when you imagine that you'll love yourself. But the real trick is that you won't. Now that is upsetting. I mean, if you don't love yourself now, you're not going to love yourself when you have whatever it is you imagine is going to fix you.

Don't you feel? No. What is this loving yourself? When people say it, I think it's a throwaway now. Love yourself. You don't love Sydney? Love yourself. Tell me, what do you feel about you? No, no. I love...

I love some stuff of me, but there's other things that I'm like, okay, girl, like clean it up. Yeah. Wrap it up. Clean it up. Let's go. But that is an act of loving yourself. Don't you think? Loving yourself also. I don't think loving yourself means accepting and every part of yourself and feeling that every part of yourself is wonderful. I think that's what you're, that is the thing that we've got to get rid of. Loving yourself does not mean you're perfect and you need to make no changes. To me, sometimes loving myself means being like, you got to stop that.

You have to, like, you know, if I love, and I do love myself, and so I will see myself behaving a way sometimes, you know, being petty or whatever. Give me an example. Of me needing to change something. You just feel like...

Being petty. Being petty. I don't know about, well, I think like maybe romantic. I think in romantic situations I've thought of it a lot lately. Like I'll be discounting someone for something so irrelevant, you know? Or I'll be not giving someone the time of day because they, you know, like truly little stuff where they like pronounced a word wrong and I have the ick, you know? And I'm like, you need to stop. If you love yourself, you need to quit behaving like that because that's not, I think loving yourself means like,

I will make changes to make myself better. I love myself enough to be a better version of myself. I love myself too much to be leaving so much on the table. You know what I mean? Don't you think? If you had a cult, baby, I think you have the beginnings. The beginnings of the cult right there. Would you get into my cult? Would you get into my cult? The strength that I have to do anything is so little. So your cult has to have everything. Lay down. You literally, you have.

There has to be Uber involved. One bedroom apartment, no brown cabinets. You have to be able to be. Uber me from where I am to the cult grounds. I'm not walking. I'm not taking the train. You're not taking the G to my cult meeting, right? No, I'm not. You have to come physically get me out. I need somebody to escort me there. I think to get a high profile, a high roller like you in the cult, I think we would do that. We'd let some of the weaker minded folks take the trains.

We'd get you in a car, back SUV. You don't want those people. You don't want those people in your car. Well, you do. You need footmen. No. Someone's got to sweep up after the meeting. Footmen.

And I know Sydney's not going to be doing it, and I know damn sure Caleb's not going to be doing it, so we need some underlings. The thing about these cult leaders, right, if you're about that life, why are you getting your people to do that remedial work? Like, hire people. Hire people to do that. Right. Why would you want your people who are supposed to be following the word sweeping and picking up stuff? Well, that's how they prove dedication to the mission.

Oh, see, I don't know about that. I don't know about that dedication to the mission. They got to be dedicated to the vision. That's how they prove that they're... This is like... Because these people are sociopaths. They need to know how many ways they can take advantage of you. And if you're willing to stick around and sweep up the fucking meeting hall, it's like, I've got that one dead to rights. Whenever I see that, that immediate ick, I'm like, you would do...

You would do that? You would debase yourself by cleaning up after me? I don't want it. Yeah. I need somebody to be like, you, you. Wait, am I a sub? I need somebody to tell me. I don't want somebody to do it for me. I need somebody to tell me. Hold on. Am I submissive? Yeah. Wait a minute. I'm like, do I want a mummy? Do you? What do you like? What are you into? Come on. Tell the people. Oh.

Wow. On the record. Seeming a little subby. It's seeming a little sub. There may be a little submitting going on. I think so. I think because I like very Christian, like militant home, I need to be told what to do. And I need somebody to wake me up at 4 a.m. and be like, clean that shit up right now. You want to sleep? You need to be in the army. Oh, no, no.

Pretty much. Pretty much. Sexual. Sexual army. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I need somebody to let me know. Leave me. I I'm one of those people that I can I can go with the flow. I can I can take directions. I'm not going to do it right. But I'm I'm going to listen and pretend.

Yeah. Is that hot? Did you get hard? Oh, I'm rock hard. Of course. Of course. I'm rock hard. Yeah. I feel like it just went really limp. And so I'm like, what else? What else can I say to get it jumping? You know, get things moving. Caleb. I don't like lifestyle submission. Like when people are submissive in their whole life or dominant when it extends outside the bedroom. To me, power plays for the bedroom. Oh.

After that, when people are like, we can play with power in the bedroom. We can mess around with who's telling who what to do. That's fun and fine, and I'll go along on this or that. But when people extend it, this is my problem with a lot of Christians, is they extend it outside of the household. Now it's I'm telling you what to do at the grocery store. Hold on. Yeah, okay. Hold on now. I'm with that. Yeah. The bedroom is one thing. It's all fun and games we're trying to get off. But then once the cum has been procured. When the cum has been procured. Once the cum has cum. Now that deceits us. Once the cum has came. No.

Split off. Become secure. That's hot. Yeah, but you know what? Some people need to be told what to do outside of the bedroom. There's a lot of aimless, loose humans. They don't know. They're just loose in the world. They're out in the mix. Yeah, I literally, my phone was not working one day. I walked out. I was going to the bell house. Phone.

Does not work. It would not turn on. And I had to get to the bell house. Don't have no address. I can't even tell you what like location, what landmarks it's by. And I'm trying to ask people, hey, can you help me get to the bell house? There's men like, oh, I know where the bell's at. And it's like, there's like gays in tote bags are like, okay, okay, I'll take you.

Like it was, it was a journey. It was a journey. And then, then obviously I'm telling people my phone don't work and either men think that I'm trying to rob them or there's men that like, well, why don't you just turn it on, turn it off? I was like, you don't think I've tried that?

Yeah. I'm not an idiot. I'm a person with a broken phone. Yeah. But that moment, just not knowing how to get to the bell house, even though I've been there for so many years, that let me know. I'm like, I know nothing. Yeah. I can't do it by memory. I need directions. I need my phone. Yeah. I need somebody guiding me. Embarrassing. So maybe you don't need a dom. You need a cell phone. Ooh.

The phones are a lot. I will because I've done a couple. I've been, you know, I've been leaving my phone at home for like full days recently. What? Oh, yeah. I don't know about this. I've been going out in the world without my phone for like a year and a half now. Who are you running from? Not all the time. Myself. Okay. I'm tired of hearing from this guy. No, I have been and I did it in New York recently like a couple, maybe like a month or two ago. Are you shooting something? Is this like a...

I do love that you think anything I'm doing is like some big chess move about my career. There's no strategy going on. I'm not working. You're so meticulous. You're so strategic. I'm only trying to be happy, Sid. There's no work going on over here. I do not understand. Please.

Someone explain. I just want to be happy. I do. Don't you feel? Are you happy? Why are you happy? Oh. Are you happy? I am happy that I'm out of L.A. Yes. I'm going to say that. Yes. Happy. I'm going to take. We're going to just pivot just a bit. And then we're going to get back in. Yeah. Yeah.

I honestly am too self-aware and I need to get away from that because that's what's making me unhappy. It's the knowing, it's the feeling, it's the waking up and being like, yo, I thought this was about to make everything better. And it's just like,

It's just there. It's not making it's not doing anything for me, but like five years ago I was like, oh this is what's gonna Really pop it off. Yeah, so being self-aware and realizing that it's like I

you could do all the things that you're like, oh, this is about to make something happen. You're like, oh, actually, I'm just existing, which is fine. Blessed. Thank you. Existing is a blessing. Yeah. But I don't know. There was that sense of like not knowing. And that was fun and gives you a reason to be like, oh, I'm so excited. Now I'm like, actually, if I do this, I kind of feel like I already know what's about to happen, which is

yeah yeah dude i think that's so relatable like i really i think so many people listening are going to be like we get a lot of anytime we get a little bit serious on the pod the comments are overwhelmingly uh positive people are like thank you for talking about this people like it um people like it i will say i get a couple comments sometimes when we aren't being funny that people people are like can we just be funny and i'm like no go watch another show okay go watch another podcast not them yelping the pod they do that's

They do, and I see some of it, and I go, or they'll say all kinds of things. They'll go, oh, have on more, like someone recently was like, we need more well-known guests. They said this about one of my guests, and I said, every podcast in the world will have a famous person on and not talk about, like, I'm like, shut up. This is my show. Let me just be quite honest with everybody in the room. Mm.

A well-known person, they not giving you what you want. Anything. They are contractually obligated to shut the fuck up. You need somebody who's like, hey, I don't give a damn. Yes. That's who you want. The person who's like, I have nothing to live for. They are going to give you three hours of uncut entertainment. If you have ever talked to an A-list famous person, it is like this.

Yeah. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Well, hey, so good to see. It's like, shut the fuck up. No, you can't. Like, most of them are so boring. And shout out, some of y'all are my friends and I love you. But like, some of them are cool. They're not boring. They just know that they're like, if I say this, this is not some, oh, it's going to be in a Reddit. It's going to be actually on People magazine.

It's boundaries because it's going to be everywhere. Yes. It's going to be a news cycle. Exactly. But it's boring. And I'm like, I don't want to talk. I mean, there was a famous person I interacted with recently who I love, who was a lovely person. And they're very, very famous. So you're just not going to say their name? No, I'm not. What shoes were they wearing?

I'll tell you later who it is. Okay, okay, okay. But they're a very nice person and I like them a lot and they're like that level of famous where it's like there's only like a couple, you know, maybe a hundred people in the world who have ever experienced what you're experiencing and I just, there was just nothing, I'm talking to them and it's just like,

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Well, hey, it isn't that lovely. And it's like so... I need that. I want that. You need that. I want that. You want that? I want to clock in and then clock the fuck out. When you... That's the difference between actors and then people like what we do that blend the line or whatever of like entertainment. It's like...

If you don't like their acting, you don't like their acting. But there's somebody else outside of that. If you don't like our stand-up or what we're saying, that's actually us. You don't like me. That's me for real. So that's kind of fucked. And so when actors are able to clock in and are like, I'm just that fucking character in that movie that you were like,

That's pretty good. It's easy. It's easy because you're like, this is just art. I'm about to get in my car and fuck all these people. But us, there is no...

clocking clock we're on we're on we're being ourselves so when you yelp a pod about something not being funny hey sorry for i'm just living just being well i want to know what the fuck you talk about what can you get on the pod and talk well no they don't have one they don't have a that's i i truly i'm i people can say whatever they want i do i do just get a feeling of like go watch another show i don't need you to if that's how you feel go do something else brother i hate when people get on um

people's pages or like writes in the comments and it's like a dissertation. It's like,

So you have nothing to do. I'm over here putting my art out. I'm taking risks. And you just writing this, critiquing everything. And you're in the stands just screaming. Then you go do it. You get on your page and have your opinion and have people come to you. But like, I literally see stuff that makes me infuriated and I put my phone down. I'll be damned. If I type some shit out and then press send, just...

to someone I don't know. Yeah. That unless I'm bigging them up or like being like, T-L-O-L, like, what is my, what is my purpose? That's wild, you know? And that's why you're one of the realest people alive. No, I need to be unhinged. You're one of the realest people alive. I need to write some shit. I think if I really got in, they asked in the comments,

People will respect me more. I'm too nice. I'm like, I really just want to be positive and be like, this is so funny. Or I like, I'm a fan. I enjoy this. When like, when you post yourself, I like really watch on TikTok. I'm like, oh, this was good. Good. Like, how about this?

Like Devin, Jaboukie, everybody. Everybody you be having. I'm like, well, this is a pot. This is actually this is what it should be. Yeah. I said now it sounds like I'm just kissing ass. But I like it sounds like we're friends. Yeah. No. Oh, well. Well, unless you're revoking. You're revoking my friendship. You don't know what I'm posting in the in the Reddit threads about you.

about you. Yeah, yeah, you're in there on a secret profile posting. He needs to have some bigger guests on. No, I'm like, Caleb comes from money. He's not working hard. He's a nepo baby. He's a nepo baby. I would wish. I wish. I would be the most unabashed nepo baby. If I was a nepo baby, y'all would never hear the end of it. I'd be like, yeah, my dad's famous. What the fuck else? Next. I don't care. I'd be like, what are you talking about? I grew up rich. If I grew up rich, I'd be like, I grew up rich. It was amazing. I'm so sorry you're poor. That sounds hard. Now I have a career. Sorry my dad invented ABC or whatever.

And yeah, now I have an awesome career. Whoops. I think that would be an amazing response. It's way cooler than what these people are doing now where they're like, actually, I kind of worked hard at it. You know, it's like you didn't have a hard time at USC. Let's relax. Now, the thing is, is that if you're a nepo baby and then you want to get on stage, something is not clicking.

Because if I'm making so much money, why would I be on the stage with the peasants? Like, I want to be in the jet. Yeah. This is being on stage and being next to fans. I think there is that is that accessibility. But if you're like really, really rich or nepo, whatever, billionaire, you're so far away from the regular degulars.

You know what I'm saying? Like being on a stage, you're with the people. You can, you're taking in the poverty dust. But that's what they want though. They want to feel regular. They want to feel regular so bad. Don't you see, don't you see Jeff Bezos in a fucking cowboy hat and go, God, he wishes he was making 80K a year in Texas. He really does. He really, he doesn't want to give up lifestyle, but he wants to feel like he's somebody and he's not, he's like a non, he's like persona non grata. He's like a non entity. I don't,

I feel that way about Jeff, but Elon, Elon, he's got to get on some ketamine or something. Chill out, bro. Chill. That's why all those guys now are doing this right-wing populist shtick where they're like, I actually care about the working man. Bitch, 200,000 working men work for you and they don't have health insurance and they pee in water bottles. You don't give a fuck about working people, but you want to feel, you want those people on your side because they make you feel real and you're not real.

You don't want those people on your side. They do, though. That's what they're doing. That's why Elon's doing the Trump thing now. That's why Trump is doing Trump. They want to feel... Trump is doing Trump? Trump started doing Trump. Because, you know, before, Trump was like a pro-choice Democrat, and he was like, if I ever ran for office, it'd be as a Republican because they're fucking idiots. And then he came down the escalator and was like, I hate Mexican people, and he ran as a Republican, and he won. He did.

And he might win again, and it's because he's right. A lot of people are stupid. You think he might win again? He might, yeah. I don't know. They eat him up. It's like now we're just – we're like, oh, this is too stupid. This is actually to the point where my eyes are bleeding watching my ears hurt. Like I cannot see this no more. If he wins, he will lose the popular vote for sure. There's no chance he doesn't lose the popular vote. And if he wins, it will be because the Electoral College was set up to keep freed slaves from voting. Oop.

And the racist-ass electoral college is the reason that so many people have won office that shouldn't have. It's very racist. The country doesn't – most of the country, first of all, a lot of the country doesn't vote at all. But most of the country does not like that guy. He didn't get elected. He lost the popular vote. Do you know how crazy it is that he was president and he lost by millions of votes? Millions. That's crazy, but it's because of this racist-ass system where he just spent more time in Wisconsin –

That's crazy. The election comes down to like 40,000 people in Pennsylvania. And you're like, and then also you're just like, everything that he says, you kind of have to be like, this is a bit. There's no, you're not serious at all. But somehow he was president. And that's why it's like, whenever we're kind of like, America is the best.

I'm like, nah, baby, there's no way. It's weird over here. That you're looking at history and Trump as president? No, ma'am. I've started to get really scared by some of the blatant lying because he's ramping it up. He literally, lately, many, many times on the campaign show recently, he's been like, imagine you send your kids to school and they come home with a new gender and you didn't even get a call about it. And it's like, that isn't happening. First of all, of course it's hilarious.

But that isn't happening at all, ever, not once. And his base is like, this is happening every day. They really think it's happening. I'm going to throw a real crazy thing out. But I'm saying he is making it a little interesting. Because when people are just putting out the facts and they're just running and being solid, you're like, okay. No, no, I'm listening. But him...

You're like, what is this fool about to say? It's TV. It's entertainment. But it's sad. It's sad. It's scary. But when you see two people, two politicians who are lying in a productive way, you're like, I don't know. I don't know if I... I might change the channel. It's why people voted for him. We're staying in. We're staying in. We're watching. It really reminds me of... They're eating the dogs. They're eating the dogs. You're like, whoa. That is a viral...

Sound on TikTok. And they're counting on it. And they're putting a beat underneath it. Yes. This is so unserious. The level of unseriousness is... It's like...

It's like when you're on the train on your commute and you're like going to the office and everything is so humdrum and you're so bored. I'm already out. On the train, going to the office. And you're on the office and you're so – you're like, oh my god, I fucking hate this. I'm so bored out of my mind. Whatever I'm listening to isn't even doing it. I can pull out the book I brought but I don't even want to read that. You're so – it's just everything is feeling monotonous. You haven't taken a sick day in two months just to do – like stay on the couch. Yeah.

You're really in it. And then a fucking psychopath gets on the train and starts beating their head against the window or something. And you're like, that's crazy, but I did see something today. Yes. That's Donald Trump. It's like it broke up my commute. That's what it is. And I'm glad that we got somewhere positive. Because at first it was like, damn, I can't believe I said that out loud. But you actually...

materialized it so that people will not yelp underneath the cover. - No, he's objectively interesting. Yeah, anybody with no inhibition who will objectively lie and not worry about getting fact checked is a break in the regularly scheduled programming

for sure. No, but he knows that they're going to fact check. So he, it's, it's the thing is, is like, he's actually want people to do work. Yeah. He's actually saying stuff that you're like, wait, Siri, what the, like he's actually making people do more research than they would normally. Yeah. I think you actually turned Siri on right there. Oh, sorry. Bye girl. Let's see what she says. See ya. See ya honey. No,

No, I mean, yeah, he's objectively interesting. But anyway, enough about him. You know, creatively, I've been in kind of a rut. I can't, like, I'm, like, trying to figure out, and it's all kind of, I think it's a little bit of the election year of it all, but it's been a little bit longer than that. But it's like, yeah, I'm trying to figure out, like,

I don't know. I'm happy. I like my life. I genuinely am quite happy. I like my days. I like the way that my days are going. What I see, what I, from what I see when I talk, I, I feel the, the happiness. I am happy. I'm very, I would say I'm at peace. I really have done a lot of work to be like, what do I actually care about? What are my genuine values? Cause you know, there's this competition. I think a lot of times, um,

And at least in my life, maybe not for everyone else. I hope it would feel nice to not be the only one. But I think there's this competition between doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing or what people would like to see me do versus what I actually value. Like, you know, sometimes I just need to go home and do nothing and be with my family. And even though that feels a little like cornball or silly or something, it's like, no, that's what I actually want. But yeah.

Yeah, that's so real but I'm my shit is so dark I'll be doing you know what I think is my passion and I'm like I

yo, what would it be like at the DMV? Like, I think they really need me over here. I really, like, whenever you go to a place and you're like, this is so miserable, like the social security office, the post office, I'm like, they need a star like me to shift the energy. So when things are not going my way in comedy, I'm like, yo, my real callin'.

It's going to be at one of them places. Yeah. They definitely want and need me. You know what? There was a time, especially in my early 20s, where I felt like the world... I was like, the world needs you to do comedy. You know, I did feel that way. I felt like the world needs you to do comedy. You're good at it. Why not? And I disabused myself of that. I'm like, the world actually just needs you to be happy. And whatever that means is what you need to be doing. Yeah. The world does not need you to do anything. I learned that in a pandemic. Yeah. I learned that in a pandemic because...

we were just trying to do even though there was like not much to do and it was like find a hobby get a trade like right get your get your penmanship up like there's so many other things to do rather than I gotta create this content I gotta put stuff out I gotta have a point of view it's like what about chilling chilling is I think chilling is the new thing that we actually need to uplift and

Chilling actually has been talked about so poorly. It's like, oh, you're chilling? You're not doing anything? You're wasting time? You're not grinding? You're not grinding? You're just being ill? You're a waste of space. Actually, people who chill a lot, you call them less because you're like, well, you're just...

But I think you actually need to talk to chill people more because then you can take in that energy. And you're like, actually, why am I stressing myself out? This is nice over here. Why am I so... I met a couple of chill people and they're not smoking weed. And I said, oh...

I need it. I need to be like y'all. I actually want them to do. Those are the people who need to do seminars. I like it. I love it. I want some more of it. I would buy their e-books. I would buy it. I would check it out. Yeah. And also chill out more. And also let us miss you. I'm big on this recently. Let us miss you. Let us miss you. What is that? Relax a little bit. Do a little less. What is that missing you situation? What is that? Stop going to everything. Stop being all the time available and present. Let me tell you something.

A year and a half ago, I put my phone on do not disturb, and it hasn't come off. And people are hating it. And I'm so peace. I'm at peace. You do do that. You cannot get a hold of me. You do do the D&D. D&D, baby. I'm going to have to just say this. You D&D bitches. I love that you're putting a boundary. Yeah. You're all silent. Yeah. I'll get to you. Yeah. But it's like.

You D&D hoes love not writing back, but then I see you going live constantly. No. Not you. You haven't seen me on live. But the people, not you, but they're going live. They're responding to comments. They're posting, posting, posting reels, reels, all this other stuff. Unless you have somebody, a social media person doing it, I see you. Yeah. So you can't respond to an actual person you know. Yeah. But you're talking to some person who's on a toilet taking a number five.

D&D is not for no response. I respond. Okay. D&D is that you can't have me in the moment that you want me unless it's actually important. You call three times, it'll go through. If you call me three times? It'll go through. I better hear such and such is dead. But that's the only reason. What other reason do you really need to talk to me? Or I got a deal for you. Yeah, that is what it is. The only people who call me three times are my family who need me or my manager being like, hey, we're trying to get a hold of you. We need to talk about something. Okay. Other than that, no one really needs to talk to you that bad. Dang.

Okay, I guess we got to put that out there. The need. We're on a need-to-know basis right now. Is that we're moving forward in the fall? Need-to-know fall? Yes, need-to-know fall. Need-to-know fall. If you're not kissed in, there's a reason. I'll kiss you in on the intel. I'll brief you. I guess. But, I mean, the thing is it's so hard to let up when we do know that people's phones are in their hands constantly.

Yeah. And you, it's hard to not take it personal. MySpace had that top 10. I need to know that I'm in your top 10, that even when the D&D and all this other shit you claim you're doing, I need to know that you're going to hit me up immediately. And you do. I do. You do. You know, yeah. But it's some of these D&D folks that really be

burning my edges. Cause it's like, I know you not doing shit like right back. Yeah. This is actually, I need, you don't want to do the email. Fine. Cause I feel like email is so professional and stern and cold. But if I'm texting you lowercase, this is important. I say, Hey, what's up? Lowercase. Lowercase. No, I might be on a ledge. Yeah. You're talking down. Yeah. And you don't text me lowercase. If you're on the ledge, you better,

You better throw some capitals in there. If you're about to jump, throw a capital in there. I don't have it in me to capitalize. I don't have the strength. Well, then you don't have the strength to jump either.

You got to figure it out. You got to figure it out. Call me three times. It'll come through. That's crazy. Yeah, I want to be in a place where I'm happy and not relying on so many stipulations. But then I'm like seeing other people that, and not just work, not just work, but just I like,

kind of romanticized I'll see like a random and you could just see that they're like they're in another world like they're having they're in a centered space and I'm like how do I do that because I'm so antsy on edge I'm always thinking about the next thing the next thing it's just so crowded in this bitch it's crowded

They keep telling me yoga and stuff. I don't know. I don't know if I want to do that. They also said medication, but I don't want that serenity without the crystals. If I got to hold a rock to keep it together, I don't know. It might just need to be. I might need to be on the ledge. No, no, no. I'm just saying. You're like, yeah, I don't want to try yoga or pills. It's like, well, baby, you might just be in the situation you're in now.

I don't know. You said up top, you said I'm difficult. No, I said you're difficult about apartments. You know what I mean?

You will notice what I said about the apartments. I heard difficult small caps. About the apartments. But you threw it in there. Yeah. About apartments, but she was really talking about everything. Because I know how you do. You're not going to spin me up into your narrative. Okay. Okay. I said what I said. You did. Only thing I have to say about my friend Sydney is that I love her. You know what? Also, Caleb, I want to say, your star power is so effortless.

It's so chill. Remember you were doing your tour with Annie? You did it with Annie and I did the show and you asked me to do it and I thought it was like, I thought it was just pulling up to like Union Hall, Bell House type of situation. I get there, crazy concert space. It's packed to the brim. That's Annie's, that's the Annie effect. I said, do I know this person? What's going on?

And when you got on stage, you did your time. I was like, damn, this is, I think that's when you're at peace, when you're doing what you love. And regardless of the amount of money you're making or whatever, you're, you could tell that you're having a great time. Thanks, babe. You're not forcing it.

I'm not. I'm trying to be as casual as I can, especially on stage. And I do love the time that I am physically on stage. I've talked about this before. Everything around it is a bit of a nightmare. I dread it coming up and then afterwards. Yeah. What's this dread about? Not even about doing poorly. When I started out, it was about, well, I do bad. Now I'm like, I think I'll do good. I just dread having to be somewhere.

I dread having to be anywhere. Oh, what was the name? People came up. It was demand avoidance or demand. I talked about this on Briston's episode that came out a while back. And, um, but I dread anything I have to do. And it's a thing that I guess autistic children deal with. Um, but I, even if I know I'm going to have a good time out, if it's something I love, I'm like, I,

I resent having to do something. Yo, do I have the same thing? I think a lot of people have it. It's why I'm trying to talk about it. Okay. Now, let's get... I wrote this down that I wanted to talk about on the pod. Okay. So...

I'm upset that the professionalism has gone the fuck down. Everywhere I go, nobody wants to do their job. They're not pretending. They're being straight out like, yeah, I'm not doing this for you. It's crazy. And I understand that because I too be like, yo, I don't want to do this.

I don't want to walk out the house. I want to lay in the bed. I want to lay. When I'm down, when I'm laying, that's me at my best. Now I got to get up and do this extra shit. So I understand. But when I tell you I went into the Sephora in Union Square and it was about, you know, it closed at 8. I'm there at like 7.40.

And just a lack of, they really was like, wrap it up, bitch. What you need? Yeah. But also not helping me. Yeah. I'm going through the drawers. I'm looking for stuff. I actually need help. Usually they be on my neck with they fucking smiles. Hey, do you need anything?

Did you sign up for the support card? None of that. I didn't get any of that. So I was a little like, wait, what's up? Y'all don't want to greet? So I'm going through the, I basically work there. I work at support because I'm in the doors digging, looking for brushes, palettes, all this stuff. I said, I should just steal because why aren't y'all, why haven't I got a tap? Like, do you need anything? They were letting me play scavenger hunt, all of this.

They did not care. And so I was actually looking for stuff. Things were sold out. Nobody wanted to really help me. A lady was just leaning up. She was wearing flats. You leaning? You were in flats? I used to work 10 hours, five inch Steve Maddens. Now, you know that's a sturdy, hard shoe. Pinky toes dead.

see me leaning up on the micros this woman bleeps and so I'm waiting for her I was purposely dropping shit she was I'm breaking stuff she refused to look me in the eyes and ask do you need anything so then I get to the cashier

And this girl, I already tell she's like, all right, this is the end of the night. We about to clock out. I said, yeah, the service just, it was not good today. It just, nobody really helped me. And she said, sorry. No. Sorry. And I said, your name is Kennedy, right? It's Kennedy? Yeah.

Bitch, when I tell you I was about to go up to the headquarters of Sephora, I needed everybody to lose their job. We gotta reel it in. We gotta, we gotta. - It's gotta be a little more. - We gotta, we gotta reel it in. I know how hard it is to go to work, to wanna work, to wanna be there.

And it's just, I knew if I called Sephora Hair Court, Kenny's still going to have her job. Yeah. So I was like, that's what I don't understand about Karen's is like, but people are still working, babe. Like you should, you might as well just pop some Xanny's or whatever and calm down. Cause you're not getting these people fired. Go home. There is a decline in customer service across every single field. That is bad. I'm pretty, I'm usually pretty chill. I had a heated moment at the, at my corner store the other day because I

The dude... I'm sitting at the deli for 10 minutes. I'm sitting at the counter. He's milling about the store doing anything other than making a sandwich. By the way, there's three of them in there. There's three fucking people working. One on the register, one sitting reading a book, and one milling. Now, tell me, are any of those fucking jobs making a sandwich? No. I'm pissed. But you're a new person. But...

So, hey, I'm not family there. So they got to, you know. They're trying to initiate me. So, right. So I do. I stand politely for 10 minutes. I don't say anything. Of course, I have the urge to go, hey, does someone want to make a fucking sandwich or no? But I don't. I go, hey, I'm chilling. So I'm sitting there. You should have said that because then they would have been like. They might have hopped too. See, they respect that guy. Welcome to.

And I stood there for 10 minutes and then finally I turned. Like a fucking fool. Like an idiot. I'm not making no sandwich. Clothes, mouths, don't get fed. So I turned to the guy whose job it seems to be milling and he meandering around. He's wearing the apron like he's going to cut some meats. And I go, I'm so sorry. When you get a second, can I get a sandwich? And he just shakes his head no. And I went, wasting my fucking time. And I walked out. I was so mad. I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean head shake no? Well, did you hear there's a recall on the Boris head? I don't give a fuck. You've been getting sick. The salmonella is in your head.

is at an all-time high. And so he probably is wondering, why the fuck do you want a sandwich right now? Do you know what the answer is? Unless you just want slices of tomato on some chocolate bread. You ever heard of egg salad, honey? His job is to turn to me and go, all we have is egg salad. Would you like that, sir? And I say, no, thank you. You're asking for too much, Caleb. We're in New York. I'm asking for a sandwich? What?

The culture is dead. I can't get a fucking sandwich. It's bad. It's really, really bad. I just, I'm like, how do we fix this? How do we fix the people? And then what's also very scary is the people who love their job too much. Yeah. Where they're like, you can't win with us. When I get on the plane and the steward, they on A doing a bit.

They fucking running that car. Oh, my God. What can I... They're touching babies and shit. I'm like, oh, they're planning to... I'm not going to lie. I'd love to get one of those. I get scared. I actually am unease when the stewardess are... They're just too happy. I'm like, oh, they're planning...

to take this plane down? Because why are you so fucking happy? I would love to get one of those. The only flight attendants I've had recently have had a little bit of an attitude for me. Really? One of them recently, I fly a lot, okay? We know. I take my bag on the air. You're in the front, though. I'm in the front, and I always travel two carry-ons no matter where I'm going. By the way. So, by the way, what do I expect? A little bit of nice...

A little bit of nice. I'm just saying I didn't pay nothing for the ticket. I like a little bit of nice. Okay, okay, okay. I get on my carry-on. I go to put it overhead, and she goes, that's not going to fit. And I went, oh, I think it will. I fly with it all the time. She goes, I fly a lot, too.

And I went, okay. And then I put it in there and guess what fucking fit? The bag. Bitch. I was like, how dare you have an attitude with me? And by the way, when I get on the plane, what do I say? I say, hey guys, how's it going? How's your day going? Good to see you. I'm always very polite. I've never been, I've never started with a bad attitude with a service employee, but we can get me there. We can get there. And when you, and even tell me the bag wouldn't fit. I didn't mind that. She sees bags all the time. That's their job to tell you that it doesn't fit.

fit and I'm not mad at all but when I said oh I think it'll fit this is the exact size bag I fly with all the time I fly in this plane and you would think a man wanted to hear that she said I fly a lot too it won't fit oh it won't fit you're like oh my god you know this is a Christian family podcast so sorry this is a Christian family podcast but yeah it was the second part I fly a lot too first of all unscrunch your face when you're speaking with me because I'm being nice and second of all the bag fit where's your seat though 1A laughing

Okay. Because I'm like, she wouldn't be talking to you if you were in the back of first. You would think. You're pretty much in coach. I'm effectively the pilot. I couldn't be closer. If I got any closer to the cockpit, someone would tackle me. Yo, listen. Caleb, right now I have a dilemma because...

You fly a lot. I'm Uber a lot. I'm that girl. The fact that I haven't done any brand deals with Uber is crazy. Uber hit her up. But I recently found out that I have a 4.6.

Did I strangle a driver? Why am I at 4.6? Did I literally shit in the back of someone's... Why am I at 4.6? That's not good. I don't understand. And so now I'm on a mission to find out what's the problem. I like that idea. I'm wondering about mine, but I'm listening to you at the same time. I was like, did I take it to the wrong level? Like, is this not... You're trying to find out. What is yours? It's not important. Tell me. It doesn't matter what mine is. No. It's a 4.9.

It's a 4.9, basically a 5. Practically perfect. That's wild. So I'm at a 4.6. I'm a murderer. I clearly have killed someone's child. I don't know. So I'm in the back of the Uber the other day, and I am talking to the driver, and I said, hey, is there like a note about me? Because my rating is a 4.6. So he already was like, oh, this is going to be one of those. He said, no, there's no note on you.

He said 4.6. He's like, I was like, I don't know why it's so low. He's like, well, are you eating and drinking in people's cars? Meanwhile, shrimp tempura. La Croix. Yeah. I said, oh, okay. I said, I don't usually do this, but I haven't eaten all day. But if you would have told me no eating and drinking in my car, I would absolutely not do it.

He's like, yeah, you know, if you come in and you're eating, you know, you're talking on the phone loud. I was like, y'all talk on the phone loud. Yeah. He's like, oh, well, you asked me. Because now I'm being defensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm being defensive. He's like, ma'am. Yeah. And now I'm like, oh, fuck.

fuck is he going to give me like a lower rate? So now I'm stressed. Right now I'm trying to win him back. I'm like, so what's going on with your day? Like it, it turned, it turned, but I just want to get back to 4.8 at least. I don't know. The drivers don't give a fuck about me, but it's because I have a 4.6. They're seeing my rating and they're like, Oh, we giving you what you are. Yeah. And I just need to get back to where I want. And it's, I don't know how to do it without pretending. You might need to switch to Lyft.

Oh, I'm a 4.9 or less. See, you might need to stay over there. Because at this point, Uber's looking pretty shot for you. Really? You'd have to work really hard to get that back up. Do I have big cookies? Like, what am I going to do? I don't know. It doesn't seem possible.

Just my law of averages, you know? I'm stressed. That's how I know I'm turning into an elder. Because it's like, why do I care? If anything, it's like the lower it is. Y'all still got to pick me up, bitch. What's up? Yeah. You know? I'm over here like, how do I fix this? I want to be. I can't die with a 4.6. You can't die with a 4.6. Yeah, I have to. Like, once I get to that 4.8, girl. Forget about it. I'm out of here. Call me. Call me because this is my last time.

Well, hey, speaking of other things you feel passionately about, what's so true to you? What's so true to me? Yeah, what's so true to you? So true to me. I think if you're in a relationship, you don't have to post. You don't have to have a social footprint at all. No. If you're in a relationship. I think we've done that too much. I think it's time to really back. It's not hiding. Yeah. It's not...

trying to be mysterious. It's just you protect the things that you love, the things that are important to you. And why are you, why I got to post everybody I'm dating or anybody that I'm like in love with? Yeah. I think what's so true to me is having that boundary of like, we on a need to know basis. Need to know fall. Do my people need to know this? Need to know fall. Need to know fall. I, yeah, we're going to do that for sure. So you're dating someone who's married right now?

I'm just kidding. It'd be fun, though. I can't believe you said that. That'd be fun. Wait. Not you. Caleb. Now, I do sound like that. But when you see people who they don't post, but you know they're in relationships, do you think that's weird? No, I think it's really cool. And honestly, I actually was just talking to my aunt yesterday.

who's in a very happy long marriage a genuinely happy like great marriage my aunt Ashley and my uncle Andy shout out love you guys they listen um but they we were talking about couples who feel the need to like really post and who will be like you know just like so constant like constant posting about how wonderful their partner is and like can't believe he took out the trash before I came home today like shit where it's like that

Y'all I don't know who you're trying to convince, but it feels like you themselves. Yeah, it's like at a certain point I'm like we already thought y'all liked each other. I don't know why you're doing all this There's got to be moments where you actually see yourself and you look at your page and like this is disgusting

Just in general, yeah. This is nasty. Just some couples, you're like, why are y'all doing so much? The collab, like couples on the, they got the page together. Yeah. That is wild to me. The shared Facebook page back in the day. I don't want it. That was big. When you see two faces in the Avi and it's not a podcast, it's like it's a couple. Yeah. But they're,

Throw it away. Burn it. We would have a really successful Instagram relationship. I think it would. I think the algo would love us. Because it's just two cute faces, like little eyes, and just like, you know. We could be like, this is my husband. He loves me. I'd be like, this is my wife. You know, lavender marriages is up.

Yeah. Lavender marriages, more people are learning about it and they might have to do it. Gay guys and lesbians getting together and making it work. And they're like, we deserve each other's health insurance. Yes. And that person that's going to show up when I'm in the hospital. Yes. But that marriage meaning like we got to stick together like physically and like have all these be binded. That's actually so unhot. Yeah. That's not hot. This is what gay guys have been doing for a while.

This is true. Shout out to y'all. Sure, we'll do shared health insurance, but I'm going to fuck anyone I see. That's a gay guy marriage. That's called open? Yeah. That's called poly? Don't get me started on open right now. You don't want open? I can't get into open. Stop it. Yes, I will do open, but in a very specific way that is the only right way. Is there a paper? Like you have to write it down, a contract? I have the answer. I'll tell you off camera the answer to open. I have cracked the code on open. I know exactly the right way to do it. I don't want to tell my fans because I don't want to talk with these people

about a lot of them are open a lot of them are poly you know a lot of them are doing it wrong a lot of people are doing open wrong and i'm just can't hear any more about the open but i've got i figured out open we have we have concepts of a plan i figured out open um well i have i have a note for you poly people the poly pockets um they're so poly with relationships but then we get to the table and they don't want to share none of their shit on the plate i do i cannot i

It was socialism right up until. Oh, so you don't. Oh, I can't put my hand in the chips. Yeah. These are just your chips. Yeah. Your fries. Yeah. Like you got waffle fries just for you. I don't want to fuck with you like that anyway. Yeah. I wasn't interested in you like relationship wise, but now we can't even be friends. I don't want to hear about a politics of joy if you're acting crazy on Venmo after the hang.

Don't Venmo request me when I bought you three of our last four meals together. Yeah. And then you're Venmo requesting me for the shared chips and salsa. You're out of your fucking mind. But you're Polly. Yes. So your hole is for everybody. Yes. But the fries are just for you. I really can't stand that. That's not right. That's not. That's not right. Close it up. Close it up. Close the hole up. Close the hole. Open your arms to the fries for everybody. Pass it out. I'm closing down holes like Border Patrol.

I'm shutting it down. I'm saying no one coming in or out. That was too much for Chance. Chance couldn't handle that one. No, that was good. Sit, I have a segment for you. This is a game. Yes. This is a game. It's a true-false game. Okay. I'm going to tell you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. Okay. If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Are you serious? Well... Okay. Okay, true or false. Okay, George Washington had no middle name. False. True. Bats or mammals? Bats.

True. True. Buffalo Wild Wings was founded in 2003. True. False. 1982. Wow. Tied laundry pods were invented by NASA. False. False. You can see the Great Wall of China from space. False. False. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world.

False. True. Time Magazine has the largest magazine subscription base in the U.S. True. False. AARP. Well, old people, what are you going to do? The Wave was invented at Oakland Coliseum. You said the what? The Wave. The Woo. Was invented at Oakland Coliseum. True. True. How to Get Away with Murder ran for six seasons. True. True. Brooklyn has a larger population than Boston. True. True. The Galaxy S16 is Samsung's newest phone. True.

Why the fuck would I know that? You up on this? True. False. That's 24. You gotta be up on Samsung when you come in here. God damn it. Kraft Mac and Cheese was discontinued in 2023. What? Kraft Mac and Cheese was discontinued in 2023. False. False. Instagram Live has a four-hour time limit. False. True. No, that's a lie. Instagram, four-hour time limit. Yes. That's crazy. Seahorses have no teeth or stomach.

false true Halle Berry is a world-class frisbee golfer false false how'd she do eight oh damn wait give it to me you were so close fuck oh damn come on you don't want a queer black woman to win no give it to can you do a bonus bonus round bonus round if you tell me you love me I'll give you a prize

Not worth it. She didn't want to do it. She didn't want to do it. This is so terrible. Of course I love you. Damn. Damn. I was literally sucking your toe while I was here. I was sucking your toe off. You did give me a very nice compliment on the show, which I know that was difficult. We've had a...

We've had a checkered past, me and you. We have. But you brought pods back. Pods are in. I brought pods back? Yeah, because usually people are like, nah. Like, we come to podcasts now, and you're like, this is a setup. You don't want me to win. You just want shit to go viral. You don't care. You don't want to have a real conversation. And you...

Or for the people. I'm for the people. You actually make us feel safe that we could come in here and be ourselves and not get canceled. So no one's getting canceled. You know what? A lot of famous people have asked to be on this show and they have. And guess what? Many, many a turndown we've done. We're keeping this show for the people. This show is for the people. I'm only going to have on people we actually want to talk to. I love you so much. Thanks for being on. I love you. I love you dearly dearly.