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I have a meditation that I listen to often and I know that I'm not- That's silly. Yeah, I know. I know. I love it when we laugh. No one went with me on that. So we get to clown on gratitude poster, but I can't clown on meditation? This sucks. I hate this fucking podcast.
I told you that people on podcasts take it very casually. I don't like that. Okay, speak on that. Yes. I just feel like you should be overdressed for everything. It shows respect. It shows a level of sort of like enjoyment for your life. And so I overdress for everything. Am I making up for something? Yes. Yeah, okay. But that's the quiet part. Sure. What are you making up for? I think that when you walk into a room and you're fat. Hmm.
I think you have to come with some oomph because sometimes people will look through you. Yeah. And so I refuse to be a part of that. Yeah. To enter a room as a fat person, you have to go one of two ways. Yeah. It's either like polite wallflower servant vibes where you're like, hey guys, if anyone needs a table moved or anything. Yeah. You start arranging things for other people. For sure. You have to be kind of servant, Dobby the house elf-ish. Or you have to be like, hello. Hello.
Oh, welcome. You're wearing like clashing patterns. Funky glasses. Yeah, tattoos. Yeah, you have to really do it up. It's obviously tough to hear you say that you're not digging the casual vibe because my vibe on this podcast and everywhere, unfortunately, is kind of like mask lesbian who might have to go to the gym later. You know, like I'm always wearing like...
like I might have to help someone move this afternoon, you know? And this is where you're wrong. That's exactly what I'm attracted to sexually. That precise. That exact. That is your partner. Sliver. That's exactly. That is your Rachel. That is their vibe. Yeah. To a T except they're going around fixing things for people. I'd ask. They are extremely handy. They helped me buy a car once. Oh my God. There aren't these so helpful. I don't know if I've ever actually seen something hotter than your partner kind of giving the business to an Illinois mechanic. Like,
your partner looking at like a Ford Focus for me and being like, you can close the hood. That ain't the one. And I was like, oh, I felt so small in their arms. I swear to God. Right now we're on a kick where like I get free things all around Chicago because they're going around fixing things for people. So like,
I can get a free haircut and color at a salon and there's about four restaurants that I don't have to pay any money at to eat. Absolutely. And it's because they've gone around and fixed things at those locations to the point where now it makes my life a lot easier. Yeah. So I guess if the lesson there is be a bad person and marry a good person. You are not a bad person, but you are the ideal trophy wife. I,
Thank you. You show up, look beautiful, do nothing. Shiny, sort of like palatable for all people. You're like, putting on my husband's tan. Yes, that's right. We have a very heteronormative relationship in a lot of ways. You do. I didn't mean for that. Yeah. But I...
I'm not embarrassed to say I'm kind of like, I'm a little bit of a princess. Of course. I'm sort of, do you, do you think you're kind of a princess? Like what are you in a, you know, what's funny is I definitely identify more with the mask person in that setup, but I'm not handy.
So I just kind of have a bad attitude. Yeah. I just have a bit of a bad attitude and wear jeans. You know, that's really, I wish I could fix things, but when it's time to fix something, then I'm princess. Yeah. But when it's time to sort of be angry at how long it's taking for us to get a table, that's when I step up. Yeah. When it's time for me to be like, this is fucking insane.
You know, that's when I can kind of be the man. Yeah. You're very good at sort of dealing with people, I think. Good and bad. I'm good at dealing with people and I get what I want. That is one thing about me. I get what I want. I think that is truly our purpose in life. I don't know of any other thing that we should be doing except for getting what we want. Getting what we want all the time. Yeah. Now, you and your partner have a beautiful love. Beautiful. One of my, you know, I think everyone who's single...
For as long as I have been. God, I could fucking cry. It's actually getting so bleak. You can literally always move in with any of your lesbian pal friends. They will literally have you instantaneously.
Yeah, but it's not what I want, is it? Yeah, I know. Sorry, man. Love y'all, but no. But I think everyone who's single has those couples that they hold up and they, you know, single people know. You have those couples in your life that you go, oh, hon, Rachel. Mm-hmm.
They've really got it figured out. And not that it's perfect. I don't assume that there's nothing that you've ever had to work through. I know that that's not the case. But I go, oh, and Rachel, you know, Tom and Nancy, you know, Katie and Pat. And I go, these are my couple goals. And you and Rachel are up there for me. Y'all really love each other good. Well.
That's very sweet. I really appreciate that. Yeah, we've been together eight years, which blows my fucking mind. And I wasn't with anyone for seven years before I met Rachel. And I was not looking. And then they really sort of parasited me and sort of moved into my home, as a good lesbian would do. I was going to say, eight years in gay guy is a millennium, and eight years in lesbian is a weekend. I think that's actually correct. But I...
I'm trying to think we started going to couples therapy like this year. Yeah. Um, I, as you got, uh, as you might know, all this is the news. Um, I had cancer last year. Yeah. Come on, give it up for that. Thank you.
Give it up for cells mutating in a way they shouldn't. It was in my vagina. And really in there. It was really in there. They call it a uterus. And then in that uterus is an endometrium. And this will get back to couples therapy so soon. Of course. Is it crazy that when you were saying all that, I wanted to start a pussy cancer chant? No.
Like in my brain when you said, I was like, pussy cancer, pussy cancer, which is obviously not appropriate, right? No. Well, there are support groups online that I think that's exactly like that. It's like that? Okay. Yeah. Okay. So I'm a support group. That's exactly like that. And we started going to therapy because I was like,
I got into this mode where I was like, I don't think you can take care of me. I don't think you're the right one. And it was like an upheaval of our entire relationship. And then I was like, we have to go to therapy because I need to make sure that you're taking care of yourself and we're taking care of the situation so that I can go fucking deal with this. Yeah. And, um,
It's been amazing. I guess couples therapy is good. That is what I'm saying. You're pro couples therapy. Pro couples therapy. Our therapist is 22 years old, non-binary, excellent, amazing. I know. I know. I know. I can't believe they're doing well for you. They're doing well.
They're barely out of high school. I know. And there are moments where I'm like, you need to shut up. You know what I mean? Like, but I do. But I do. I take. I'm the kind of person who will like whatever you're saying, I will take what I agree with from what you're saying. You are good at this. Rather than what I disagree with. Yeah, you're good at this. Because I don't care to disagree with people. It's not that I don't care about confrontation. I love confrontation. No, but you have a type of optimism in you that which I love about you that I think if you.
in the, in the huge tapestry or tableau of something that somebody might say to you, you're very good about taking what you need and leaving the rest. Yeah. Which is a great quality. I think so. What about you? Are you a take what you need kind of person? Absolutely. Okay. I'll definitely take what I need. And, and, and I, but I'm also, but I also do delight in finding the things I don't need and being like, shut up. You know, like I love, I love to identify both. I'll take what I need and I don't stick on things for very long, but I do like to, to be like that part. I didn't like that you said, but I like the other part. What's wrong with that?
Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Oh, 100%. Are you... Do you have like a little stash of things that people have said wrong to you and they sort of start accumulating or are you just like a swipe them and leave them? Said wrong in what way? Like...
Like if somebody says something a little sideways to you, like it's a little pull, it's a little dig at something that maybe passive aggressive or something like that. Most people don't talk to me that way. I will say I have a very, I have, I think, I think I'm a little bit intimidating, a tiny bit. I've gotten the feedback, but I also think in a much bigger way, I have a very beautiful life with very loving people. My life is mostly people like you who are like,
lovely, incredible people. I feel if there's anything that's true about my life at all, it's that I'm lucky with people, you included. Yeah. And so I just don't have people digging at me that much. I think the thing I hold on to is when people give me bad advice.
When somebody gives me bad advice, I definitely put in my head like that's not someone I should be coming to for advice. What was the last bad advice you got? It's a lot of times in relationships. Like things about matters of the heart that my friends will be like, you know, because the thing about being single is everyone's got an opinion. 100%. Yeah. They'll be like moving with lesbians or no, they'll be like, they'll be like, you just need to text him and tell it how it is. And I'm like, that's not, you know, they're just, sometimes they're not navigating the thing the right way.
Yeah. You were simply talking about couples therapy and I got off track. No, that's okay. I love getting off track. I, um, yeah. Couples therapy was amazing. I feel like I, uh, so in our relationship, I always, at the beginning I was like, I'm a better person than you are. That was a real thing that
That I thought I went in going, I'm better. You're not as good. And it was like a very kind of black and white way of looking at the world. And I'm also the kind of person who sometimes has like, I find pleasure in a moral high ground, which is like work on that bitch. But like, that's what I'm, that's what I came with to that relationship. And slowly but surely this bitch is really taking over this situation. And now I actively think she's the better person in the relationship and it tears me apart.
Yeah. You think that Rachel took like lapped you? Oh, lapped me incredibly and started going to therapy, went to therapy for like five years in a row, really got their shit together, stopped drinking, stopped smoking, is now talking about their feelings, doesn't go into any kind of like, oh, no, no, no, just sort of accepts if I come up with a problem or an issue that I have in our relationship and just acquiesces and is like, okay, what's going on? Tell me, how can I make it better? Yeah.
Annoying. Annoying. Also not an entertainer. Not a performer at all. So there's this whole other element of friendships and world that I get access to that I don't usually because I'm hanging out with improv people all the time. And her friends are incredible.
Well, there's a wellness about someone who doesn't want this. Yes. If you don't want to be in front of the lights and camera, there's a wellness to you. 100%. Yeah. They do not want to perform. They don't want to be put on the spot. But you very much do. And you're a very talented comedian. Thank you very much. You're a very talented producer. You produce podcasts. I do. Yes. I think it's okay if I say that you have been producing Julia Louis-Dreyfus' podcast. I do. Yes. But my favorite thing about you, well, there's so many to choose from. You're a beautiful singer. Yes.
Oh my God, you're a beautiful singer. No, stop. No, you really are. Stop. Quit right now. Don't do that. Not on here. Cut this. I remember we were in Chicago and...
Cut this. I don't want to do this. Stop. I'm shy. We'll cut this. I know. I know. I know. I know. We met Chicago and I was doing karaoke and you kind of stopped me after and you said you did a beautiful job. You are not the only friend I've made this way, by the way. I'm sorry to say I do. I scam on girls at karaoke.
If I see a girl killing it at karaoke, I'm going to go up to her. Oh, you have to. Yeah, because there's also killing it in a way that's not obnoxious, and that's you. You were killing it in that way. Yeah, I try not to be too hardcore with the karaoke because I think it can be really annoying. It's a little tacky sometimes, but you bring the energy, you bring the excitement, and you were in a bunch of bands when you were in Houston, right? I was. I was in a lot of bands. Oh, my God. Shout out to the Houston music scene. Shout out Houston music scene. Shout out Houston barbecue scene. Oh, honey. Pinkertons. Oh, honey.
Bitch. The pit? The pit? Honey. Bitch. The fucking every single gumbo I had in Houston. It's incredible. The fine men as well. Oh, okay. I got off the plane to Houston. I said,
What are these beautiful men doing? I love a good old boy. That's up there. You know that whole non-binary thing you talked about earlier, the sort of sliver? Yeah. I've now gone to expand it. I love like a camo, sort of like boot kind of guy in a truck as well. Do you? I hope it's a trans person. Yeah. But if it's not, that's fine as well. Is it? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. No worries.
I was thinking more like a gorgeous, like the men I was seeing in Houston were like gorgeous kind of, like gorgeous black men in suits. Oh. Like that kind of gorgeous Houston men. Yeah, we had those. But a good old boy in camo and a Duramax. There's something about it that feels, it feels naughty.
It feels wrong. Yeah, it does feel wrong. It feels wrong. He's just a good old boy redneck and you're his Venezuelan queen. Yes. That's where you're headed with it? I think so. No worries. I think there's some fantasies in there for sure. No absolute worries. I think it's because like when you
grow well I kind of grew up in in Houston but I'm from Venezuela originally and when I moved to Houston it was I was like what is going on who are the hot people here who's and and then I figured out those were like the popular guys so I have a I think I have a bone to pick with popular guys in high school yeah and with any luck they'll have a bone to pick with you you know what I'm saying no but in all seriousness
You were in a bunch of bands. I was. How did you get into... You were in like three or four bands in Houston. Yes. Well, I lived with a bunch of boys that were running around nude all the time. It was so...
Chance goes too far. Yeah. Chance goes way too far. Chance would have lived with us and been in the band. Chance would have lived with us. Living with guys who love to be naked was a real treat for me when I was in the closet. Yeah. That was very special. Of course. Thank you guys. Thank you all for your nude sort of services. I, yeah, we, I would walk into my home and every single one of them would be nude playing drums and a bass and a guitar. Um,
I can't. I'm actually going to cry because that is actually I dream of that. Yeah. Yeah. And they were some naked guys playing instruments. Each one of them was gorgeous. If you guys are the naked band members of OHAs that were naked all the time, feel free to send nudes to the podcast page. We'd love to see. Yeah. It's James, Joshua Cordova, Casey, Brett, all of them.
Love you guys out there. James, Josh, Casey, Brett. All of you guys. Beautiful, beautiful people. Josh Cordova. Yeah, let's get these names down. But anyway. They were so wonderful. Yeah, I played in a band called Giant Princess. I played in a band called Lim. I played in a band called Young Professionals. Young Professionals is a great band name. Yes, yeah. And...
Yeah, I, that was kind of the time when I started sort of finding my stride and wanting to perform. I didn't start doing comedy at all until I was 27. So I was just all bands, all music until I turned 27. I know that about you because you were doing music and then you got into the improv scene in Houston and you were doing that for a couple years, I think, before you moved to Chicago. Yeah. Yeah. I moved, I moved because I was trying to make,
the best stuff that I possibly could, but I just couldn't find people around me that wanted to work really hard on stuff. Yeah. And then I moved to Chicago and it was like one of the bunch. Now everybody wants to work really hard on things and take shit too seriously in Chicago. The nice thing about moving to a scene like Chicago when you're from a smaller scene is there's a lot of development to be done in a smaller scene, but you just need to move somewhere with a high density of try-hards.
Yes. You need a high density of creative tryhards who give a fuck. Yes. Who giving a fuck is the key to me in that sense is whenever I'm around people who maybe don't give a fuck, it really turns me off. Yeah. That is, that's my pet peeve that not, not asking questions. If people don't ask me questions, I'll murder you to hell. Murder. Uh,
Murder you to hell. Dead to hell. Dead to hell. Ask you questions in every context or certain contexts specifically? I mean, definitely like new relationships. Like I'm just meeting you. It doesn't matter if it's a date or just new people. I'm like, you got to find something to ask. Like, where are you from? What are you doing? What does your face look like that? Like just anything...
Ask any fucking question. In the old thing, yeah. I'm also like, I feel like you're the same way where I like to host a conversation. Totally. Oftentimes. Yeah. And I just want, I want them to host a little bit. I want to pass back and forth this baton. I would like to be, yeah, even, I don't, I have lived in this world long enough to know I'm not probably with most relationships going to get 100% of what I give back.
Right. But I would love to shoot for 60 or 70%. You're only giving 60 or 70%. No, I'm giving 100 and I would like for people to give me back 60 or 70 minimum. I see. Minimum. And that's what I'm saying. You ask me, if I ask you 10 questions and you ask me like three even, four, five, I'm going, okay, this is effort, you know? Yeah. Because I don't think it's as natural to everyone as it is to you and I to be this way. Do you like introverts? Do you know any? I do know them. And how?
How do you... I don't respect them. This is what... Yes. Yes. No, I'm kidding. Yes. Don't go back. I'm kidding. Here's what I'll say. I have a lot to learn from introverts. Okay. Yeah. I do think that they take care of them. I think there are things I can learn from introverts, but when I try to interact with one of them and they go, sorry, I'm not very good at this. I'm an introvert. I go, well, if you like being at home so much, get back there. Get out of here. Because you're ruining my time here. Why are you even...
you even here this is exactly how I feel I have friends who um date introverts and that's that's really hard for me yeah because I'm like babe I'm the best friend like you gotta get to know me you gotta try a little bit you gotta charm me you gotta charm me when your friend brings around a new person they're dating and they don't try to charm you reddest flag I've ever seen and they go oh well you don't know them like I do yeah and I'm never fucking gonna yeah because they're bad at this that's right and I see them once a fucking year and if they don't make an effort I'm never gonna speak to them again yeah I can't stand the new partner who doesn't make an effort
No. You owe that to me. You owe that. I'm central to this life that you just came in on. You owe that to me. And if you're an introvert, you better save up that fucking energy and take a big old nap and get ready for this dinner. That's right. And ask some fucking questions. Ask some goddamn questions. Write them down. Yes, dude. You know, like we used to do when we were in high school, we would go on a date. You'd be like, I need like 10 topics. Do you know what? I don't sit down and write questions or anything. But the thing is, the thing I feel sometimes about people who claim to be introverts, and genuinely, there are some introverts in my life, all jokes aside, that I do love and respect.
However, generally, when introverts claim that it's just so hard for them, I go, do you think the rest of us don't prep for our social interactions? Do you think I don't shut down when I go home at night? Do you think I don't need a big sleep after I've talked and hosted all day? I prepare for my social interactions. If I know that I'm going to dinner with three people and one of them is a friend of a friend, I go, okay, on the way to dinner, I go, let me remember how I met this person the first time. Last time, weren't they telling me that their grandma was sick?
Or don't they work in advertising? I prep myself so that when I get to the dinner, I can go, hey, it's so good to see you again. How's your grandma? Are you still working in advertising? Oh my God. Sometimes introverts act like extroverts don't do this shit too. I get anxious about my interactions, but I fucking prepare. Yeah. Prepare. 100%. If I know I'm going to do a big thing with a lot of people, I don't do shit for the entire day.
And I sort of like shell in and I get prepared for the idea. I'm about to go talk to people, offer parts of myself, and then try to actually get to know people. But I really struggle with introverts for a really long time. I was like, they're an asshole. They're just assholes. Like blanket statement. Obviously that's not true. Obviously there's very kind introverts. It's just...
There's a way better thing to call introverts. What is it? Here's what I'll say. Not all introverts are assholes. All introverts are Harry Potter fans. And that is a blanket statement you can run with. If you ever meet someone who's an introvert and they're not giving you very much, just go, hey, what house do you think the hat would have sorted you into? And then watch the light come into their eyes. They'll light up and they'll go, oh, Dobby, or whatever their thing is. Yeah. You know?
They'll go, I would be a Gryffindor. You know, they'll light up in a way. And they'll be like, I'm a Hufflepuff, but I never wanted to be. Yeah. And like, people seem to be really afraid of being a Hufflepuff. Oh, they love... Dude, if you ever see an introvert and they're just slinking around in the corner wall-flowering at a party, just go up to them and be like, you're giving me Slytherin vibes. And they'd be like, stop! And they'll be like, oh God, I guess on my bad days, but I like to think of myself as a Gryffindor. You know, they just light up. It's beautiful. Yeah. I just...
I struggle too because I don't know when to shut the fuck up. So I think I also can. Thank you so much. That's something Jesus gave me and so I'm going to go with it. It's a gift from God. It's a gift from God. But I will say I do admire people who shut up. I think shutting up is an art. Oh. I think it's something that I don't know how to do as well. One of the. But I'm really working on it. The gift of gab she got. The gift of gab she got from God. That's what I'm talking about.
That's what you have. Oh my God. The gift of gab she got from God. I admire people who shut up. I would love to do it someday. I was making out with a guy recently and I kept making jokes and he, have I told you? I don't think I've told you this. I kept trying to get a joke off because there was this bit I was kind of obsessed with while we were making out and then he just stopped me and he was like, shut up. And then he kept kissing me. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, brother. I've been dying to. I literally, I've never experienced something hotter than that. Oh my God. I have a hysterectomy and I'm wet right now. I was like. It's technically impossible. So. I think it's happening though. I literally was like, oh, I would love to shut up someday. Yeah. That's my husband. That's your husband. That was, and I'm not into like being submissive, but just the idea that I might shut up made me so horny. Yeah. Yeah.
I would love to shut up. Just silence. Imagine silence. I've never experienced it. I've never experienced it. Unless I'm sleeping and even then I'm snoring. So I don't think that that really counts either. Not today. I was shooting a music video before this for a friend and I'm sure it'll be out by the time this episode comes out. And they had asked me to wear a black polo for the music video. No worries. I'm wearing the black polo. A moment of silence came and I just, out of nowhere, I went, should I change my shirt? And they go, what? What?
And they go, your shirt's perfect. Are you not liking it? And so then they're trying to take care of me. Like, oh, maybe he needs to change the shirt. He's not comfortable. And then I just, I had to tell them, no, I think there was just a moment of silence and I invented something to talk about. Yes. That's the kind of psychotic. It's psychosis. I just went and got Korean barbecue with my friend last night. And she is somebody who doesn't,
is comfortable with periods of silence. And I could find myself just sort of like my, my heart rate would go up and I would start sort of like palpitating, getting nervous and just showing like just throwing shit at her that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. Yeah. I, I love to chit chat. I love to chat. But what is it that we can't just be quiet?
Well, I think it is the gift of gab. I think it's being quite good at talking. And then I think it's also, I mean, do you want me to take it to a place that's not super fun? Because I can answer it. Do it. Tell me now. I do think that there's a piece of growing up fat that you learn to fill silence to create worth. Right. That you can't be necessarily like beautiful or you can't necessarily be like,
the hottest person at school, but you can be the person who tells the best joke or the person who is the friendliest or like, so you create worth through personality. Yeah. And then it's like, even, even now that I feel I have worth in other arenas, there's still that little part of me that's like, you gotta be the nicest person. You gotta be the funniest one. I think it's subconscious, but I think it's in there. Oh, definitely. I'm trying to figure out like,
In what ways? We've talked about fashion. We've talked about not shutting the fuck up. And I'm trying to think. I recently had a shopping experience where I went to a plus size store and they started shopping for me. So they were putting things out for me to try on. And I realized that there's another thing that I do, which is I'm somebody's assistant.
Hey y'all, this is Chance, Caleb's heterosexual podcast producer. He's traveling in Europe right now and asked me to relay the following message, and these are his words.
I usually help people shop. I usually go out with my friends to Target and I'm like, what about this, babe? What about this? This would look so good on you. Yeah. I don't like that.
no i like that either here's one thing i'll say yeah uh plus size women y'all are blessed in the dressing space compared to plus size men uh now you're sorry now you're you're below straight size women for sure i get that plus size women have gains to make in the fashion space but good fucking god there is nothing cool for fat guys because the thing is you wouldn't know by looking at my fucking outfits but i have style and taste yeah there's just nothing for me unless
you're a feminine fat guy who wants to wear feminine clothes. If I was more gender fluid and was willing to wear like dresses and caftans and stuff, which I think are beautiful, but are not my style. I have a more masculine sense of style. If I was willing to go feminine with it, I would have some stuff for mask for masculine guys who are plus size that want to wear something. There is nothing. There's nothing, but there's so many of you out there. Thank you. There's so many. We are. You're a force. You're an army. We are a beautiful nation. Yes. A beautiful nation. Yeah. I, I,
I'm really... I'm tired of this. Not this conversation, but just... You're like, I'm sick of this. Let's get the fuck out of here. I've had it with this podcast. Probably some of our listeners. God, are they ever going to stop doing this fucking show?
Oh, fuck. No, I am. But I'm also tired about shouting at the rafters about it. You know what I mean? I just want to go in my little fucking store. I want to put on my little fucking tube top and not fucking worry about what people are saying. And I want there to be 10 tube tops. Not one, not two. Ten. Ten. You know who my biggest bone to pick is? Who? Carhartt Work in Progress. Carhartt?
I'm going to come to your fucking offices and do something crazy, dog. These people at Carhartt Work in Progress...
if you work at Carhartt Work in Progress, I'm not actually going to come to the offices, but maybe you could just make stuff in my size too because they have such cool stuff. Carhartt Work in Progress is my favorite fashion line. I love the Carhartt Work in Progress line. Are you familiar with it? Absolutely. It's their upscale fashion brand. I love the stuff they make. It's masculine. It's cute. It's colorful. It's nice cuts. And they stop at like 2X. Yeah.
Make a four and a five X for the big bitches. Let me swim in something a little bit. I completely agree. Oh, the swimming in something impossible. Impossible. Those little boxy, like loose things. I had to cut this out for room right here. Yeah. This is supposed to be closed off. Can't have it. Let me, let me make a five or a six X that I can wear as an oversized moment because I deserve to. And I have money. I feel like Julia Roberts in pretty woman. I'm like, I have money. Yeah. And you want to give it away and you want to look hot. Help.
I also have a plea to a clothing maker, a garment maker, a store. Give it to the camera. Excuse me, Torrid. Torrid. No, not Torrid. Torrid. Don't invoke Torrid in this space. Oh my God, no. Listen, okay, if I could go to a Torrid and burn it down, I would. You guys are making terrible quality shoes at extreme prices and why does everything look like a 40-year-old Hot Topic dress? Yes. Why does everything have a little skull with a heart with a little vine on it? Okay. Okay.
Why are you guys making clothes for people who listen to Blink-182 as 15-year-olds, but now we're 40? It doesn't make sense to me. It's a terrible brand. I hate it when girls are in the little fashion groups going, I bought a skater skirt from... I'm like, put it down. Burn it out. Burn it out.
Tori should hire you. You can help them a lot. I really, I could, I really would love to, um, design a plus size line, but they're all kind of like they're reeling back on all the shit that they started to put out. Like they had lines at old Navy. They had lines at all these in-store things and they've just sort of started, started taking them back. I don't know why.
We should actually, I will say, if anyone out there has the power to get Oha and I a collaborative fashion line, we would fuck that up. We would fuck it up. We would make somebody a lot of money. Yeah. Ourselves and then also somebody else. We would make a lot of money. We would be really good at it. Because I've got fat bitches ready to ride at dawn. I have a pitch for you. Go ahead. Which is that I think that at some point we should play twins that enter a twin pageant.
Okay. And that's it. Write it. Yeah. If you write it, I'll play it. Okay. And it's stupid. Yeah. It's wild. And we both get to sing. Okay.
I'm going to cry. Yeah. I love this idea. Yeah. It reminds me of back in Chicago at some point when Molly Carney and I were both still living there. We met up at a Japanese restaurant once because we had been on a couple shows together. And I was just like – we were friends. But I was like, I'm just obsessed with your comedy and I would love to do something with you. And we just wrote a bunch of sketch ideas. And they were so funny. It was just literally me being like –
We're cops, but we're cousins. We're just running through every relationship we could have. The core of every sketch. Yeah, absolutely. It was so silly, but that's what our twin performance piece feels like to me. Yeah, that's what I feel. And it could be a performance piece. It could be a movie. It could be a tattoo. It could be a conversation in front of many people. I think it'll be all those things. Yeah, I think so. I think we bill it that way. This is a conversation, a tattoo, a performance piece, a movie.
That's what this podcast episode is in many ways. I think that's right. It's a cross genres. Exactly correct. I have a question for you. Ask me. What do you want? What do I want? Yeah, I ask people on this show a lot. What do you want? You've asked me this before and it set me into a fun spiral. I do have that effect. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I would like to...
Be in water, in beautiful nature for a good portion of my time, 20 to 30% of my time spent around bodies of water inside of them. This is a very wide open question. The answer has shocked the hell out of me so far. Yes. I love that. Yeah. That is a big priority for me is to just have a pool or be by the beach or the lake. And then I would say I would like to...
wake up every morning,
go walk my dog, have an amazing time in beautiful weather walking my dog, take some deep-bath breaths before I look at my phone. I would like to send my wife off to work and have her have an awesome day. And then I would like to ritualistically write every morning. I think I kind of do something like that already. And then I want to hate what I write, then like what I write.
And then I want to work with people that I love. Hate them first, love them next. Hate them first, love them next. Yep.
and make things that I'm proud of. I think that's it. I think you're doing almost all of that, aren't you? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. So you just want to continue the beautiful life that you've built for yourself? Yes, I'm pretty happy. I feel very happy. I think you should be. Yes, I think you're a very happy person too. I think I am. I think day to day, I wonder. I love this tone that we're talking in. Yeah. You're so happy. I think I'm happy. I'm happy, you're happy. I think we're both happy. Yeah. I do think you've created a beautiful life for yourself. Yeah. I was going to say, there were two things you said that,
made me think of things. Number one, you have a very Midwestern mom quality in the obsession with water. That's a Midwestern mom. A Midwestern mom's only politics is like, we should just all have our toes in the sand. Yes. Just take a dip. Why are we not just in the water, y'all? And then I want something that floats my drinks in the water. So that's going to go ahead and be... I want a little thing that goes around and bobs my drinks in it.
Yeah, you and my Aunt Gina. Yeah. She just wants to be in a tube on the river with a cooler floating next to her. That's exactly right. I want to have, you know those little popsicle stains that you get when you're like 12 years old and you like eat off a paper plate on the side of the pool? Yeah. That's my dream life. Assing the wall in the, no, it's tozing the water, assing the sand. You know what I'm talking about? No. I'm so sorry. Eee!
Yeah, you just have, you have it's five o'clock somewhere energy. Absolutely. Redneck yacht club type beat. You're just your Midwestern mom coated with the water obsession. And the other thing I was going to tell you is my, probably my worst habit and I, and I have got a few to choose from probably my top number one worst going to kill me the earliest bad, bad, bad. Stop it immediately. Why are we doing it?
this quality is horrible. You shouldn't be doing this. You're not a good person. This is killing you slowly. You're truly not healthy. This has to stop. Nobody should be doing this. Why are you acting this way? That's right. We got to get it to stop. Your body is about to shut down. The body is going to shut down. You're going to go to an early grave because of this. Doctors don't recommend it. Scientists can't understand it. Teachers would never allow it. That habit? Yeah. I check my phone.
Before I open my eyes. Like my phone, I'm literally, my phone first of all sleeps next to me in bed. She eats first. Yeah. My phone sleeps on a comfier pillow than I do. And then when I wake up, I do this. Fuck, okay, home.
I'm texting. I'm emailing. I email from bed. You're texting and emailing. Oh, my God. I'm emailing before I put my feet on the ground. You're just working 24-7. It is not. From the moment your eyes open until they close. There's a lot of time I'm not working. But I do start off the day by being like, what emails have I received? I go through. I delete all the ones that aren't important. Yeah. And I leave a queue of the ones that are important. And maybe if there's one that I really should have already gotten back to, I respond to it in bed. I still – I usually do it with one eye. Mm-hmm.
Because the other one's still like kind of crispy. Have you said crazy shit? No, I'm lucid. I'm extremely lucid. You're up and you're in. I'm up. I'm locked in. I'm locked and loaded. And I, yeah. And then I get up and have a coffee before I have any water. And then, which is not a, doctors don't recommend. And then I go straight to my computer and start working. And then this is an ideal day. Then I go take a shower. Then I get out of the house.
Yeah. It's not good. The dopamine train that you're fucking on opening that phone at that time. Yeah. I mean, I'm crying because the soldier came back home. I'm then angry because somebody posted something like that's fucking anti-trans. And then I'm fucking ecstatic because my friend got engaged. It's like I don't control my own emotions. My phone is like pumping in emotions that are even fucking mine. I was like, I have to stop.
I have to stop. And now I've done a fairly good job at not looking at my phone for like the first 30 minutes of the day. And I'll tell you what, it's torture. Yeah. Every minute of that 30 seconds, I'm going. Oh,
Oh my God. It's so painful. It truly is. And that's what tells you we're fucking addicted. We're done. Because I literally am like angsty for my fucking phone dopamine. And I really, I've tried to like go outside, walk the dog, take some deep fucking breaths because I, sometimes I'll pick it up. I'll forget that I'm not looking at it and I'll pick it back up and I'll just start off and it'll be like, fuck. Yeah.
Do you know the number of times I'm sitting watching a TV show and I'm bored by what's going on on screen? So I'll just kind of search for the phone, open it, and then just be like...
Watching the TV, looking back at the phone. Nothing to do. I'm not looking at anything. Just the act of having it open in my hand feels so good. And I daydream. I fantasize about creating an analog. I dream about moving back to Kansas City full time and opening a theater that runs only on flyers and no internet presence and no phones allowed. I dream of creating analog spaces again. An artist that I deeply respect just posted on Instagram today about how they're experimenting with AI. And I was like...
Like, I want nothing to do with this shit. And yet I wake up, I check email, I check Instagram, I check... Is it FKA twigs? No. You know what I hate? Being thirsty. I'm sick of it. And when I think of thirst, I like to imagine it as a physical thing that can be murdered and killed. And that's what Liquid Death is doing. You guys have seen them absolutely everywhere. They have a brand partnership with Martha Stewart. Y'all know Martha Stewart? Making candles, etc. with Liquid Death. Yeah.
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So cheers. I got a fucking contract in my inbox asking me if I wanted to sell my voice for $70. $70. $70, Caleb. At least they're paying. The big Hollywood studios aren't even going to do that. They wanted to pay me. They were like $70 and they were so casual about it. Yeah. They were like, sign it if you want, if you care to. And I can, yeah, just go ahead and sign it. I was like, I'm not fucking giving you this. They're like, sell us your voice for $70 tonight, queen. Yes. Sell us your voice, queen.
Hey, queen, sell voice for 70 bucks, queen. Eye emoji, eye emoji. No, I mean, it's very malevolent. Oh, it's malevolent. I'm extremely anti-AI. Yeah, me too. I don't care what it does. It could make my dick bigger. It could make me a billion dollars. It could get me laid by every person in the world and I would still be like, fuck this robot. Yeah, fuck this robot. I hate it. I feel that way deep. I just, I'm scared. I don't want it to change our way of life. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, the phones have already just, I'm like, the phones are bad. What are this? This is going to do. Yes. I'm scared. I'm very scared. I don't like it. I don't like to be sold things. I think we as humans are pretty good at hating being sold things. Yeah. But the AI feels like it's going to burrow itself in my fucking, see, I'm going to sound like a real conspiracy theorist, but it's going to know us inside out. I already have a problem discerning from like clickbait and not clickbait. You know what I mean?
And this is like, this is how I know that you're getting older a little bit. You stop being able to know what a scam is. Okay. I really think that's a sign that you're getting older is like you like for our parents as my deering Prince for us, it's just like some weird article about Paris Hilton's baby's head. You know what I mean? We're like, I've got to fucking look at that. Yeah. I've got to go look at it. And then you click it and it's somebody trying to steal your shit. Do you know what I realized about myself today? Tell me. So I bought a gratitude poster. Oh my God.
I bought a gratitude. Oh, that wasn't the joke. That was the setup. Oh, yikes. This is the beginning of the story. It wasn't the laugh part. Oh God, this doesn't feel very good at all. Does it?
Let's cut this. Oh, that's good. What the fuck? That's really good. This is not the funny part. Yeah, so I bought a gratitude poster, which I thought was pretty normal. No, I bought...
I bought a gratitude poster that's like, it's like this little, it's got like little flowers on it and I framed it and put it in my bathroom so I would see it every morning and it just says like, you have clean water, you can move your body, you have access to food today, you have people who love you and it's just this big list of like gratitude things that I was like, that would be nice to check in with every once in a while but this is how negative of a person I am. I found, I find myself, today I noticed that I've been doing it but I noticed that I found myself doing this a couple times.
I find myself reading my gratitude poster and trying to refute it. Oh my God. Like I will be reading the gratitude poster and there's something so deeply. I'll be reading the gratitude poster and it's like one of them's like you have clean clothes and I'm like no I fucking don't because my roommate's hogging the washer. Like I'm like mad at the gratitude poster and it's like I put it there to inspire gratitude but instead I'm like training myself to argue it. Like I was like it's like one of them's like you can move your body and I'm like I'm literally today in my head I was having kind of I was just feeling stressed out today and I was like some people are fucking can't walk.
But I can. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm fighting with the gratitude poster. And I clocked that and was like, you need to relax. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? It's completely insane. Thank you. It's completely insane. First of all, the poster is bananas. The poster's not crazy. The poster is absolutely insane. The gratitude poster is beautiful. It's wild. The gratitude poster is... To buy a gratitude poster is to toss...
is to toss your last penny into a well of hope. It is sort of the death of cynicism, I think. And I don't, I love a little cynicism, just a tiny. Well, it's not the death of cynicism. I'm accusing the poster of being ableist. I mean, I'm really finding a way with the cynicism. I have a meditation that I listen to often and I know that I'm not. That's silly. Yeah, I know, I know.
I love it when we laugh. No one went with me on that. So we get to clown on gratitude poster, but I can't clown on meditation? This sucks. I hate this fucking podcast. This is horrible. Take the fucking thing to sign down. I'm out of here. What is the meditation? It's body scan for relaxation, and that's how she says it. And there's probably a lot of people who know body scan for relaxation. And this is what I do with body scan for relaxation. She says...
Imagine that you have nothing else to do. And immediately my mind starts creating a list of every single thing that I have to do that day, tomorrow, the week after. I use it as a kind of trigger, I think, in the same way that you do. Yeah. To create problems in my mind in a moment where I'm supposed to be relaxing and feeling good. Yeah. And I think that's our fucking thing.
phone doing that we can't you think yes Caleb we can't like I can't focus on one thing for very long I have to set little timers for myself so that I can write for 20 minutes and then I can go fuck around and look at birds and stuff so they can sit back down yeah my attention span is people who are reading bless you people who are reading who's reading I read see this is this is why you're rich it's because you read I wouldn't say I'm rich stop
I did just I read I read I just read it but you know what my trick I have to trick myself yeah well first of all no one ever likes this about me people hate this about me people want to kill me for this about because you read not because I read but because I hate fiction fiction annoys me
When anytime anytime someone recommends a book to me and it's like the dragon, the dragon flies. I'm like, shut up. I like a book that's like the dragon. Girls are reading the dragons that fuck right now. They're reading dragons that fuck. I want a book. I want like a book of essays from, you know, like I just finished reading a book of essays by George Orwell. Oh, my God. About like political prisoners. And that to me was very uplifting.
I thought, this is beautiful. We overcame this. I mean, we're kind of going back, but I thought it was a great book. I loved it. Yeah. Or I love to read a book that's like, like right now I've been looking for this book called Directing Aesthetics and Techniques. Wow. And it's going to tell me about like what camera angles I should do when I'm directing stuff. The last book I read, it was about two 17 year olds who fucked a top of dragon. Okay. And they were 17 on purpose in the book? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, they were on purpose. Does that feel weird to you? I guess so. It's kind of like when you're off, I imagine. Not that I was off. Yeah, I might have off. I was stroking it to the book. Yeah, but it's kind of like you just don't really see what's going on until post-pandemic.
Post haste. Yeah. That post clarity. Yeah. Yeah. Post clarity hitting like a semi. This podcast. Oh, I want to thank you for being here. But this podcast has to end soon. Not our episode, but the whole production. Just the whole thing. There's really something about giving a gay guy a microphone and a space. And the more we up the quality, we get the neon, we get the lights better. Everything's improving on the show. The more and more emboldened I become. And it's a filthy little project. Yeah. It's not right.
I, um, I don't talk about porn very often, so I do think it's the environment. I've been invited here. You're a product of your environment. No turn on nature. Yeah, I don't think I've talked about porn in a really long time. Dude, I don't really talk this way in my regular life. I had my mom on here the other day and I couldn't stop. I was like making, I think at one point I tried to dap her up after I said I worship in the bedroom. Uh,
Oh, God. It's not a way to behave. Yeah. It's not a way to behave. I tried to explain to my mom what a podcast was and she couldn't. She couldn't come with me on that journey. She was like, you know what? It's very complicated, the things you're doing. But all the jokes kind of... Yeah. Even if I try to show her this show, she's not going to... Which is why... I think she would get this show. I don't know. I think if you're a comedian...
kid of immigrants it's like your parents only get the highlights like they only understand what you're doing if it's with brad pitt and angelina jolie or president barack obama everything that's sort of like underneath that it they i think it just all goes into the same sort of like ben ben yeah you don't get what you're doing my mom has no idea who julia louis dreyfus is has no clue has never watched seinfeld that's beautiful my grandmother doesn't know who any of these people are she okay she didn't know jane fonda she said i don't like her
I was like, great.
My dad was similar. My dad would never, like he was proud of me, but he, I sent him my character reel once. I don't know if you were there or not, but do you remember the first time I auditioned for SNL in Chicago? That like era of our friendship, it was like 2019. Yeah, I think so. I had done a live showcase and they had come and it was a big, it was a great set. I mean, it really was a great character set and I was really proud of it. I'd worked on it for like a year and a half
And they filmed it. And so I got the tape afterwards and sent it to my dad and was like, hey, you're always asking what I do. This is like what I've been up to. This is my five minute like please hire me character set that I had this closing bit called Haunted Mirror that I was really proud of. And I really liked that bit. And I still think it's a great bit. But I sent it to him and I emailed it to him and he watched it and he emailed me back and he goes, I didn't understand pretty much any of it, but the audience seemed like they were having a good time. Yeah.
Yeah. I was like, that's like a year and a half of like my intense work. You know, like I'm like, and also I'm doing well. You know, I'm like really, and so I'm like, if you can't understand it at this level, there's no hope. Yeah. I'd have to be like Johnny Carson or something. Yeah, which only Johnny Carson is Johnny Carson. Yeah, my mom doesn't, she loves Ali Wong though. That's her number one. Oh, interesting. Isn't that wild? Yeah. She just happened to check out her specials on Netflix and is obsessed with Ali Wong, but knows- Ali Wong is a great comic. Amazing comic. Yeah. I think it's the-
the motherhood experience that she really sort of like gravitates towards. And if they're not moms or don't have like a very specific experience that relates to her, she really does not care very much. Has your mom ever had in a, um, like a garage or like a storage container?
Because if so, she might like some of my stuff. I don't know why I'm thinking so hard about this. I genuinely... I literally was like, has she ever been around a container? A container? Has she? That's so funny. Is it... Do you ever...
God, I don't know if I, if my mom is a very, she just got a divorce and so she's not looking to like, you know, get with new people or whatever. Yes, exactly. Queen. I love when a woman gets a divorce. Oh, I love divorce. Yes, I love divorce. Um,
But I don't have a lot of information about my mom's sex life. I feel like there are some children, right? There are some kids that know a lot about their parents' sex life and are very open with their parents. I think I'm one of them, yeah. You're very open with your mom about that stuff? My mom knows who I'm sleeping with and I know who she slept with. Yeah, we pretty much have an open dialogue. No, I don't... It's also been...
you know, with the same person for that long. But I don't think my mom knows fucking anything about who updated. I'm not doing play-by-plays. Okay, okay, good, good, good. I'm not being like, this guy came over and we kissed for a while and then we started, you know, I'm like, it's not like that. Do you do play-by-plays with anyone? Um, I mean, most of my hookups are so, if it's a casual hookup, I'm not calling anyone. When I was like 19, I would definitely like, you know, call a gay friend and be like, I fucked this guy last night. We did this and this and this. But now it's kind of like, I'm like clocking in at the factory, you know? Yeah. I'm like, let's get...
i'm like let's just both get out of here you know so no not a lot of play-by-plays sometimes if i have a particularly hot hookup i'll all the next day i'll call a friend and be like i had some i had some sex last night yeah and it was like this you tell them play-by-play moment i'll give a play-by-play yeah sometimes uh hookup is just so hot that you have no choice you have no it's special it's like um my friend
one time did crack and I watched her do crack and um and right right and this is gonna make sense in a second but it's like you did crack I gotta talk about it if it's that crazy and good I'm gonna repeat what I just saw and she was mad at me because I was gossiping I'm like bitch you did crack in an alley laughing
That's not gossip. It's a play by play of what happened last night. You know what I've always said? If you don't want to be talked about, don't do crack in an alley. That's exactly correct. That's the biggest thing for me. I think so. I think gossip is good and it's healthy. Yeah. And I think that it helps me figure out what behavior I'm okay with, what behavior I'm not okay with. I don't like being mean spirited. Right. Sometimes I could be a little mean spirited, but... One thing that's... Like, I don't...
absolutely undeniably true to me so true for me on this episode maybe my so true for this episode is this when i do something it is different than when other people do something i think when other people gossip it can be i think it can be horrendous catty i think it'd be catty fuck up petty upsetting disgusting horrible not a lot not acceptable not in our higher self not in our higher selves yeah
sort of of a lower base quality of a human being they go low we went high they go low as far as i would go high yes boys meet girls flower exactly correct and then when i gossip it's a powerful tool of communication that is an evolved way of thinking yeah anything i do is different than when other people do it and i just feel this way yeah no i completely agree i feel the same way about myself yeah and that cheers cheers
Absolutely. To you. To you. To you. No. Hey, and to talking shit on anybody we ever want. I wonder what that'll be for the listeners. Fun or bad? Yeah. Probably bad. Probably a little bad. Maybe we'll replace the audio with a little glass clink. Maybe that would be fun. That would be really nice. Oh, wow. What's so true to you? Okay. And I thought about this a little bit and we talked about it a little bit, but I think this is my hot take. I think LA loves fat people actually. Whoa. Yeah. I know.
Well, I'll tell you, every time I come to the city, I get gassed up on the streets. People are... People, listen, every time I go to a party, I'm getting gassed up. I'm just like, does LA want to fuck me? Like, seriously, every single time I come to the city, it is like, I don't know what it is, but it's having me. Okay? I have something horrible to tell you. Well, okay, no, wait. No, wait. Is it... And this was my thought. Is it like when...
Like a black kid or like a redhead go to Korea and... Yeah, like when Michael Jackson would go to Asia. Correct. And then people would take selfies with them. Yeah. And then I think there's an element of it to that, but that's not in my business. That's not what I was going to tell you. Oh, okay. I have to tell you something that is ultimately such a compliment to you. Yes. But...
But refutes your original point. Oh, no. LA is obsessed with hot people. Oh. And you're like inordinately beautiful. Thank you. You are just a beautiful person. Thank you. And that's what's going on there. I see. I don't think it's a love for fat people. Got it. Got it. Got it. Because I got to say, LA and fat people, I mean, there are people who have tried to kill me. It's...
It is legal in every city and township in LA to kill a fat person. You can. And if you turn us in at the sheriff's office, they'll give you gold. I mean, it is like... It's the Melissa McCarthy law. It is tough out here. Yes. So I don't think it's a love for fat people. I mean, I get hunted. Yeah. And I feel truly, I'm like, that's none of my business. The reason that you're gassing me up does not matter to me. Yeah. It is only if I agree with the reason that you're gassing me up. LA loves OHA. Yes. Maybe that's it. LA loves OHA.
Maybe that's it. I think LA loves you, baby. I think everywhere loves you. I think you're a star. And you need to come to peace with it eventually. Caleb, that's so sweet. You're having such a nice time in LA. Isn't that interesting? I know. What is that? I've always heard that like, oh, people in LA suck and you can't find real friendships and everybody's talking about business. And it's like, I guess to a certain extent that's been kind of true, but I don't know. I haven't really felt that. I have something unkind to say. Okay. Um...
It rarely happens. Look, this rarely happens, but I have something unkind to say. Let's do it. And here's the way that LA got a bad reputation, I think. Okay. There is a small kernel of truth that there are extremely enterprising, career-obsessed, nasty, boring people out here. That element does exist. They're all on the West Side. And...
That element is here and it's a kernel of truth. But what happens is losers from the rest of the country move out here and project all of their hopes and dreams with no talent and no work ethic onto the city. And then when it doesn't work out for them because they don't work hard, they're not nice people and they have no innate talent.
they leave here and they go back to wherever they came from and they go, that place is disgusting. Yeah. And the reason they feel that way is because it didn't work out for them here. And so they projected their dreams onto this physical site and then they have this horror story to tell where it's like, yeah, I mean, you guys know me. I'm so hardworking and nice and talented. If that place were any good, I would have won. And it's like, I think there's a Funhouse Mirror situation going on where it's like the city seems horrible, but in fact, you just weren't meant to be a series regular on a sitcom.
Yeah. And that's not a kind thing to say. No, it's not a kind thing to say, but it needed to be said. But it's how I feel and I've seen it played out a number of times. And if I have, you know, I don't pick up this microphone lightly. No.
I pick up this microphone knowing that I have a responsibility to tell the truth. The truth. This podcast is called So True. It's called So True, yeah. I have to tell the truth on here. Well, thank you for clarifying, I think, because I do like in some ways being naive. I think it works to my advantage in a lot of ways because I don't... Genuinely, I don't care if people...
don't like me or if they think being fat is bad, I don't have a real problem with that. Um, and if you're going to compliment me, I'm going to take it at face value. Just as if you're going to be passive aggressive to me, I'm not going to pay attention to the passive part. Yeah. Um, I don't care. You're not going to pick up on passive. No, I will say I am. I have seen the comments on this podcast sometime. Yeah. And I was like, okay, these motherfuckers,
They're mean. Oh! You think the truthers are mean? Where are you reading the comments? It matters. I think TikTok. Some of the TikTok. Okay, so yeah. I want to actually speak on the TikTok comments of this podcast. Yeah. The TikTok comments on this podcast have brought me closer to...
negative self-harm ideology than I've been since college. Yes. I mean, the people on TikTok are... What is going on with that board? Those are not fans. Something's happening on TikTok where our content is quickly leaving its target audience and reaching people who would, given the choice...
Kill me. Murder you. Yeah. They are so mean. What is going on with them? They're nasty over there. Well, I'm fat. And so that's crime number one. Yeah. And then I have opinions, which is crime number two. And then, yeah, I mean, we post engaging, you know, we post clips because we're like, you post podcast clips. We have very big, long, nuanced conversations on this show. But you post the clips that are like, if there's a 20 minute conversation about the nuances of, of,
being vegetarian we'll post the one clip where the guest who's a vegetarian is like yeah vegetarians can rot in hell yeah it's saucy it's spicy it's supposed to bring you to the full episode but then people are in the comments are like my dad is a veteran and he didn't have access to meat in the war you fat motherfucker
So he became a vegetarian while he was serving his goddamn country. Yeah. And it's like, whoa. Yeah. First of all, fuck him twice. 100%. If it starts with, why isn't anyone talking about, I'm going to shoot him in the face. Yeah. Why isn't anyone talking about? It's too much. Or, yeah, I'm not saying anything, but shut up. Yeah. Shut up. Don't be in the comments. The fans of this show are actually really sweet. Instagram, Instagram.
And our YouTube comments are psychotically lovely and nice because YouTube is a place where it's hard to get nice comments. TikTok, they're being pretty tough with us on there. They're being rude out there. You know what? That's it. I'm going off right now. Okay. People who comment on TikToks. Yeah. Let me tell you something. Yeah. People who comment on TikToks.
Give me a break. Yeah. Relax. Can you be nice? Can you be sweet? You know what we need? A kindness revolution. That's it. I'm about to give it to y'all. I'm about to give it to y'all straight. Give them hard. Can we be nice? Can we be sweet? Give me a F word break. Just like everybody's got a hidden problem behind that you cannot see. Lean on me. Lean on me.
When you're not strong. And I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on. Hey, y'all, just be nice in the comments. Just be nice.
This is a new rule for TikTok commenters. Yeah. New rule on TikTok. And I'm going to call the people at TikTok and tell them they should implement this. If you have something to say about how beautiful I am, how smart, funny, charming I am. Yeah, your gorgeous hair. My gorgeous hair. Your amazing frames. My incredible personality. Your tattoos are beautiful. How good I am at kissing and giving and receiving it as well. Yeah.
I'll take your word for that. These are things you might not have to. Oh, shit. Put your cards right. Rachel! Rachel! Get your partner in here. No, but if you have nice things to say to me in the TikTok comments, I think let's go ahead and go nuts with it. Have you ever gotten into where you're about to post, you're about to comment on something and you're like, bitch, delete it. Yes. And then you delete the whole thing. That's...
Every day. Half of my online experience. Every day. Literally, when we get off camera, I'll tell you about one I had yesterday because I can't actually give this person the time of day to know that I saw their thing and thought about them. But I would say at least once a day, I type out something... Devastating. Something horrible. Devastating, yes. And that's why I don't understand why people can't do me the favor of not letting me know that I'm on their mind. Right. I, every day, don't say things to people I hate. Yeah. Can't you do that to me? Oh, hey, I got an email after nine years that I had a fight with someone.
Nine years later, they emailed me venom. Isn't that the craziest, saddest thing you've ever heard in your life? That's bonkers. I think I would do that. Okay. Not to you, but I think I would do that. No, I wouldn't. Because you know what stops me? I have the impulse. What stops me is not letting that person know that they're still in my headspace. Okay, we'll cut that part.
Cut that part. Yeah. Cut that part. Cut, cut, cut. Yeah, cut that part. Cut that out of here. Yeah. They don't need to know that I know. Yeah, we're trying to make you look strong. Strong and powerful. Get that out of here. I didn't actually read it, actually. You didn't? No. My friend Stacy called me and she's like, have you checked your email? And I said, no. She's like, give me your password. I blindly trust Stacy. She's my life. I'd give her anything she needs, okay? So I just gave her my password, my email. She went and deleted it. I never read it.
That is a good system. That's a good friend right there. That's a good friend. That's a good friend. Because she got it. She got the email too. We both got it. Oh. So she was like, have you read it? I said, no. So I deleted it. You ever made the mistake of telling a fat person that they're fat and they didn't know they were fat? Hey. Hey. Caleb. Caleb, baby. Caleb, honey. Yes. Yes. Yes. And they're so offended. Oh. And then you have to now backtrack, bitch. Yeah.
Or they go, I'm curvaceous. I'm curvy. I'm like, no. Okay, tubby. Okay, tubby. You're fat, bitch. You're fat, bitch. Oh my God. Have you had to do that? Oh yeah. These people will do anything to convince. They'll be like, I'm chubby. I'm big boned. There's a little bit more to love. Bitch, you're fat. Yeah, you're fat. It's okay. And it's me and you in the same sinking ship. Yes. A tall, short, fat. It feels all the same. You're a fat, fat, fatty. I mean, it really is like...
You're just so fat. And I don't know what else to tell these people. I've done this before where I've been like, well, me and you, fat people. And they'll get... Oh. They'll clam up a little bit. You didn't know you were fat? Did you not go to middle school? Yeah. What's going on? I've told somebody... I did the exact same thing where I included us fat girls, us big girls. Yeah. And this person genuinely got very upset with me and paused the conversation and said, really never call me that again. And I was like...
Okay, girl. I mean, we're going to have to get used to something here because it's going to be harder and harder. If you lose those 10 pounds, you've been meaning to lose. It's...
This is what it is. I think people who are closer to the beauty standard or the beauty ideal in many ways actually suffer more than we do because I'm not fucking worried about getting this thing that you guys are all vying for. I'm just in my lane, bitch. But you're kind of close to it, so you torture yourself because you're not exactly what all these people are looking for. Yeah.
Stop doing that. And that's why I feel bad for thin people that are very beautiful. And I know they don't deserve all of that from me all the time. But I do. I have friend after friend that when they're close to the ideal, it just fucking tortures. It's torture for them. It's like proximity to desirability. Yeah. It's like desirability is an island way out in the ocean and you have to go by boat to it. And I'm not allowed to get a ticket to the boat. They won't even let me come near the wharf.
And then I have friends who can get on a boat and get close to the island, but then the boat has to turn around and they've seen the island. And I have been desired. Yeah. But desirability, capital D, which comes down from society on high, that tells us that fat people, disabled people, dark-skinned people, people with certain types of hair, people of low-income status, that capital D desirability that is sent down by society that almost none of us have access to, even though many of us are disillusioned,
that desirability when you have even a little bit of access to it like if the only thing that's stopping you is being a little bit chubby you will do absolutely anything to align yourself only with people that are already there because you almost think by association you can get there honey it's never happening it's never happening
Hey, I have a segment for you. Okay, I'm ready. Can you believe it? Oh my God, I'm so ready. This is a true-false segment. Okay. And basically what's going to happen here is I'm going to read you 15 statements that have an objective true or false answer. Okay. And you're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. Okay. Quickly as you can after each one. I'm ready. And if you get more than 10 or more correct, I'm going to give you 50 US dollars. What? Okay. Who knows what you might do with it. I'm ready.
Okay. I don't know why I'm doing this. I'll just look. I don't know why I did that. I was going to do it for a fact. Okay, here we go. Walter Cronkite is a fictional character. Oh, true. False. Who's that? The Texas state bird is the northern mockingbird. True. True. Nike is an acronym for nylon integrated kinetic energy. No. False. Nintendo's Mario has a goatee. False. False. Just a mustache. We've only explored about 5% of the oceans on Earth. True. True. The tallest waterfall in the world is in Brazil. True.
False. False. It's in Venezuela. Venezuela. Hey, now, fir trees can grow in human lungs. Say that again. Fir trees can grow in human lungs. False. True. The Great Chicago Fire happened in 1871. True. True. Humans can survive without a spleen. True. True. The Los Angeles Rams have never won the Super Bowl. True. False. Katy Perry was originally a Christian singer-songwriter. True. True. Regis Philbin owned the rights to the Beatles' discography. False.
True. False. Michael Jackson. Sharks do not have bones. False. True. John Whitmire is the current mayor of Houston, Texas. Wrong. True. Lake Michigan is the largest Great Lake. True. False. Lake Superior. How many did she get? Oh, baby. You just stay strong and hang in there. You have worth and value outside of that game. It's because I'm ESL. What did you say?
What did you say? Well, I use that as an excuse so I don't feel stupid. What did you say? I didn't hear it. I'm ESL. English is a second language. I thought you said it's because I'm me as hell. When I was like, you better work.
I was like, I don't know what that means in this context, but work it out. No, no, no. Whenever I make a grammatical linguistic error, fail a test, break up with somebody wrong, I just say I'm ESL and I didn't mean to say it that way. I love that. Yeah, it's a really good excuse. When someone corrects, I learned a long time ago that when someone corrects the way I'm pronouncing something, if they knew what I meant anyway, I say caramel, they say caramel to correct me on purpose. You just say linguistic prescriptivism is classist.
Oh, absolutely. And put them in their fucking place. Okay, well, I'm going to fuck you up on this one. When you move here as an ESL person, you're very prescriptive about how people speak because you want to adapt. You want to be a part of the group. And that's not right. So I was correcting my friends left and right until I got a fucking swift kick in the ass. And they were like, hey, that's just how we talk. I quit, bitch. Because it was with my black friends. Exactly. Yeah, your black friends were like, hey, we like you, but knock it off. Knock it the fuck off. Yeah.
Oh, God. I love that they set you straight. Oh, they set me straight. They said, welcome to America. Quit it. Yeah. 100%. That's beautiful. Yeah. And Texas is not the place to be doing stuff like that either. No, no, no, no. Because it is a different English down there. One time, and this is real, I called a study group. I thought, oh, no, it's a focus group. Called it a concentration camp. Yeah. Here's the thing. Yeah. Calling a study group a concentration camp as someone who's new to the English language. Yeah.
It makes a lot of sense. It makes a lot of sense. It's like it is. That's what I thought. It makes sense. That's crazy. That's what I thought. That's nuts. I got in trouble. For sure. I didn't like when you said it now. No, it was hard. Yeah. Yeah. It's a tough way to speak. I was not asked back. For sure. Is what I'm saying. And I can see that 100%. But you know where you will be asked back? The So True Podcast. Thank you for doing this. We love you so much. I love you, Caleb. Why don't you tell people where they can find you? I'm at Aloha Oha on Instagram. Also...
I'm excited to see you out there in the world. In the world. Where can people find you, Caleb? Caleb says things on everything, the So True Podcast channels. And I just want to tell you guys, if you're ever in Chicago, go see Oha at any of her live shows. She's an absolute genius. I love you, baby. I love you, honey. A lot of this needs to be deleted. Yeah. A lot of this needs to be deleted. Yes.
