Dylan Mulvaney is Legally Blonde
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And then they put me in like the quarantine at LAX and I have to talk to these men and they're like, where have you been traveling? I think they thought, I think it was giving like Ebola or something. And I was like, no, I swear. It was a Bora Bora Ambien. And then I go, they were like, well, where were, you know, why were you, I was supposed to not, I was going to not be able to fly for like three days or something. And I was like, I have tickets to Hamilton. And they were like, oh shit. And this was like. Oh shit.

I'm so nervous. I'm like drinking this green drink and I'm just nervous that people are going to think that I'm healthy, but it's like a mint chocolate chip ice cream shake thing. I'm not going to let anyone think you're healthy, babe. Okay. Thank you so much. We're going to edit this whole thing to make you look extremely unhealthy. Good. We're going to edit in like cartons of cigarettes laying around you. Oh, that sounds so good. McDonald's wrappers in the background. We're going to make you look like- Oh my God. When I was 16, my car was just filled with McFlurries everywhere. Yeah. Yeah.

I love her. I love her. How are you? I'm good. How are you, hon? Good. I haven't seen you in a second. Well, you've been avoiding me. Have I? Oh, yeah. I'm a bad texter. You've been avoiding me like the plague. Really bad texter. I can't get it. I can't get it. No, I'm just kidding. Last time I saw you was what? My birthday party? Yes. That was a good party. Thank you. Cute venue. Cute venue. A little art gallery. And wasn't it Amuna's sister was the DJ? Yeah. Yeah. God, they look good. In fact, Maddie Gav is Maddie Gav up there DJing. Um.

But we first met in Fightmaster's backyard. That's so true. That was like a little pre-transition for me too. There might have been a skirt involved, but... There was like a big jacket involved. Oh, it's the chunky knit. It's the chunky knit. Fuck, that was really a staple there for a second. Yeah, pre-transition chunky knit. Yeah, I mean, it is the pipeline. Absolutely. You know...

That's how it starts, honey. It is. You get one chunky knit sweater and it's over. It's over for you from there. Nori Reid was on, recorded with us the other day. Uh-huh. And she consistently pushes a theory that I'm secretly a trans woman. Oh, well, that's why I'm here. Is that why you're here as well? Yeah. A lot of the trans women in my life are on this train and I'm loving it. Oh, my God. I get a phone call from a random friend that I haven't talked to in a little while and I know it's coming. Oh, my God.

They're there. I call you. I go, hey, Dylan, can you come on the podcast? I need to talk about some stuff. I know. It's so funny because I wanted to start making like trans baskets for, you know, random followers and people. And now I can just give them to all my best friends because they're transitioning. Everyone's coming on over. They are. Yeah, they are. They really are. The grass is greener. The grass is greener. Well, yeah, I think everything is good for trans people. It's better. It's just like easier, normal over there. Healthcare is excellent. Healthcare is excellent. It's like Canada. Wouldn't change it.

Being trans is like Canada, y'all. It is. I feel very Canadian. Even though I'm in my Princess Diana sweater. I think that was your real transition. You were feeling very American and then you went Canadian. I did. I did. Now I'm going UK because I'm going to live there all summer. Exactly correct, which we were just talking about. Tell the people what you're doing. I am doing Edinburgh Fringe. I don't know how to... Edinburgh. Bruh. Bruh. Bro. Bruh. Fringe Festival in all of August. I'm doing my one-woman show for...

And I'll be like in London rehearsing it for like a month and then all of August in Scotland. I'm probably going to come to see it in Scotland. Come. Yeah. I've heard it's so fun. I mean, Patty Harrison's going to be there. Cat Cohen. Maggie. Is it Maggie? What's her last name? Maggie Winters. Maggie Winters. I've heard she's really cool. Doing Marguerite. Yeah. Yeah.

It's good people. Where's your one woman show? Well, I guess you're, we're writing one right now. This is the beginning. This is the start of my one woman show. Uh, no, I, I, I did solo shows in Chicago back in the day and I've thought about doing another one, but I, I have such, um, I have a real, every time I sit down to write one, I've, I've written probably like five solo shows halfway in the last year and I just can't commit to one. Are they giving Broadway?

No, I don't think they're giving Broadway. I don't know much about Broadway, so it would be hard to say. What's wrong with you? I know. I literally knew this would come up because you are on Broadway. I am the personification of Broadway. And I don't really do it. What's with that? Well, I don't like when people turn big emotions into song. Oh, okay.

So you can see where the tension starts. Yeah. Yeah. No, I would love to. I just never did theater growing up, so I feel like there was a big disconnect. Is it because you can't sing? You wish. You can. No, I cannot sing, but I would serviceably sing in a show for sure. I could sing in a show. I think if you could sing, you would like it a little more. Give me a song. Oh, Annie, Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, tomorrow. You're incredible. Yeah. What the fuck? You felt that? Yeah. Even just there, you could feel. Do you not have a theater agent? I don't. That's weird. That's weird and it's a huge problem. Well, I don't know if it is because I've never done theater. We send them that two bars. Yeah. You're done. You think that would get me? Yeah. Tomorrow. Oh, let's go back to the other key. No. It was half- What about this one? Half-stip. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

up there? Tomorrow. Oh, wow. You like it down there? That's giving like Sam Smith musical. Okay, no worries. I want something just really clean. Just really peony.

Tomorrow. Right there? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, Hamilton, here you come. Maybe not the right show for you, actually. Yeah. What would be your dream musical to be in? My dream musical to be in? Me taking over the pod right now. I would love if you took over the pod. No one ever takes care of me. So true. I want to be small on here. My dream musical? I'm trying to think of one.

The Legally Blonde? Oh, bitch, you want to be in my... I'm trying to do Legally Blonde so hard right now. Can I be... Who's the guy that... No, not him. I want to be the dorky guy. Oh my God, but that's supposed to be a trans man. Is it? Oh, in your show. Yeah, in my Legally Blonde. You're like...

I was like, I did not clock him at all. You're like, wow. Like, oh my God. No, I want to do a version of Lele Blonde where it could be me as Elle, but like a trans woman would be really cool. And then you've got like a cis hetero chaser like Warner. And then he's like, I can't actually be seen with you. And then Emmett is like the trans man that's like, you're one of us. And Elle's like, no, I'm not. And then fucking Paulette is...

the trans elder woman who's like giving her all this advice. Yeah. You see it? I do see it. Yeah, I thought so. I kind of wanted to play Paulette when you were saying all this, but maybe I could play the creepy professor who touches people. I mean, this is like you obviously transitioning means that you could be Paulette now. The fact that you would have me play the older trans woman if I transitioned and not the younger one.

That didn't feel nice, did it? No, and it's just that like- That didn't feel nice. We will dye your hair blonde if we have to. Yeah, I want to play the younger trans girl. Yeah, you're Elle Woods. I'm Elle. I'm Paulette now. You're Paulette. I am your Paulette. Oh my God. That's crazy. My North Star? Yeah, I've never, I like never really had like a daughter in the dollhouse yet. So- I want to, yeah, I want to be in there. You're in it. Put me in there, coach. You're in it. Put me in, coach. Yeah. I start talking like that for some reason. Put me in, coach. Yeah.

I want to play that guy in the thing. What guy? Like a guy who gets to talk like that. Oh. Oh, wait. Can I be the one who's... No, I want to be the one that she's like ammonium phycoccalate, but the one that's being chutney. I want to be chutney. Chutney? Can I be chutney? Oh, what a turf. I want to be chutney. Ah!

Is Chutney a TERF? I feel like she is. She's not a nice person. And Vivian. Vivian's giving major TERF energy, actually. Oh, God. Vivian. Ew. Yeah. But I want to play a villain. Oh, you like that? I do want to play a villain. That's my worst nightmare. A villain would be so fun for me. I just don't think like, well, actually, now that you're a trans woman, I don't know if you're going to actually want to be playing a villain because we don't like to be villainized. We can't. We don't have that ability right now.

Now it's too scary. Well, maybe I'll stay cis just to play villain. Yeah. And then you transition. And then I transition. This is your last. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be my redemption arc. Yes. It's like, he's not so bad. No, he's great. He's not even a he. No. That's, we all were wrong. I think I, the two roles I've been most excited about that I've gotten really close to didn't book either of them. Um, we're both villainous. Ooh. I got, I got, I got really close to two big villain roles on TV. I want to be the first girl dead in a, uh, like a horror film. I can do that. Because,

For me? I can write that for you. Okay, that'd be good because, hear me out, it gives everybody what they want. All my followers get to see me in a movie and everyone who hates me, the conservatives, get to watch me die. Yeah.

I love that. That's so beautiful. I know. I know how to give people what they want. You think about everybody. Well, I'm just also just trying to figure out how to navigate a very hateful world, Caleb. And I want to be a little actress in a horror film. I would love to see you in a horror film. I think you're, I think you're, you're getting final girl. Final girl. Yeah. Like you're the last one.

Or the one who dies at the end? No, I think you kill the killer. I kill the killer. Or are you the killer? I'm definitely the killer. I want to be the killer. I want to be evil in something. If anyone out there is casting something evil, I want to play evil. Also, I want to say, I think you're much more... I think you're overall very beloved. Really? Yes. I think there's a loud minority and they're not... These people don't matter. They're not real. It's so crazy. It is crazy, but you're getting the brunt of it in a weird way. I think you're very beloved and you should just internalize that. I think I need to come with you to Kansas City and I need to...

make people are they cool there I have trans friends in Kansas City okay yeah love it's tough I mean look where we fight legislation battles and in places like that so like overall is there a hostile state government that we're working on yes but also if we all leave and ignore it will it get any better no right and so I have conflicted feelings because I do my trans friends do come visit me in Kansas City and they go oh what's going on over here with the laws and I go well

Not all good yet, but we're working on it. Yeah, you now being the press secretary is so crazy. I want to fix it. You're very nuanced. I want to make Missouri better. Love it. And that's why I'm running for office. Would you ever? I don't know. I thought I could for one day. Yeah? What day was it? I was interviewing Joe Biden at the White House. And I was like, oh, this is awesome. I was like, they have cookies in there, and it was so clean. And...

And I just felt so, he made me feel so special. Yeah. And then I left and I no longer felt that way. I think what you're describing though is why most people run for office instead of, like I don't think most people who run for president are like, oh, I want to change the world. I think they're like, God, the amenities. Top notch. They're crazy. Better than Google. Yeah. You can put any button on your desk and if you push it, someone will bring you something. Yes. I would put a hot wing button on there. What button would be on your, what would be on your office desk? Oh, if I could get anything, grape sepia.

What? You never had a grape zevia? I don't even know what it is. Honey. Grape zevia? Zevia. Zevia? You ever heard of stevia? Yeah. Put a Z in front of it. The creation meeting. Well, what really throws me is that it's

It's grape soda. Sure. No sugar, no calories, anything like that. I'm out. But it's clear. And so if you're making a purple cow, do you know what that is? No. It's a grape soda with vanilla ice cream. Okay. It does make you uncomfortable because it's not purple. It's clear. And so it doesn't make you feel the same. But it's really good. I have like four a day. You have four of these a day? Yes. Once you said no sugar, I was out.

Really? I love sugar. No, no, it tastes sugar. It's fake. I bet, baby. Guy like me. You know. Guy like me would see through that in a heartbeat. Guy like me knows what sugar tastes like. But if you could just exchange that with water and then you could drink like a real grape soda after. What?

Wait, what? I wasn't very good at math. Are you pitching that I chase water with real grape soda? No, I was going to say chase Zevia with grape soda. Okay, yeah. You don't like grape soda? I do like grape soda. Purple cow is something I've never heard of. Have y'all heard of a purple cow? Bring it out. Where are you from? San Diego, the home of the purple cow. Are they doing purple cow down there? No.

I don't know where I got that from, but my family, yeah, we lived very far from the beach. The farther from the beach you get, the more they don't like the gay people. LA is like a, like sort of a, no, San Diego is like a Trumpy LA kind of, I feel. I think so. You been? To San Diego? The zoo? I haven't been to the San Diego zoo, but let me tell you something. Last time I went to San Diego to do a show, first thing I saw was a dead body. No. Yes. No.

No. Pulled into San Diego. Rental car from the airport. Got a rental car. Pulled into the city. Dead body. The only dead bodies I've seen are in San Diego. Hey, people are dying in San Diego. Honey, I mean, I can't get it burned out of my brain. I was like nine years old and we were, it was a summer and I was there with like my cousins at the beach and we're like looking over the pier and a man had washed up in a suit and

Like with like literally full suit still not a breath coming out of him. And when I was on my second date with my first boyfriend. Oh, am I allowed to say that? Yeah, that's fine. Let's take that. Let's just take his name out. When I was on my first date. No, when I was on my second date with my first boyfriend, he was an Eagle Scout. We were driving and we saw another dead body.

So that's two. And then with yours, that's three dead bodies in San Diego. When was your first boyfriend? 14. He was 18. Very scandalous. That is very scandalous. Yeah, but he was an Eagle Scout, so it doesn't count. Yeah. They get to do whatever they want. Yeah. They've mastered things. There's an innocence within him. Yeah. You know? Well. Broke up with him at Disneyland. You broke up with him at Disneyland? Mm-hmm. I can't believe you were dating guys at 14. California is so different. Yeah.

It was my first, but it is like- But you were dating a guy at 14? That's crazy. No. Oh, shit. In Missouri? Honey, no. Craigslist? I was, I didn't, I think I started hooking up with guys when I was like probably 15 or 16, but no dating. I mean, there was no dating going on. I don't think I've actually been in like a serious, serious relationship though. Nor have I. What's wrong with us? Honey, I just, we have my mom on the podcast. Oh. And- My mom would never. We really got into this. Really? My mom pitched that I'm the problem.

I was re-watching it. I don't know what order these will come out in. Did she have good things? Like they were valid points? I guess according to her, but she really pitched that I was the problem. She was like, I fucked you up and now you're the problem. And she was like, your friends tell me that you bring good guys around and then you're not into them. And I said, don't listen to these people. They're mentally ill drug addicts. My friends? These are not trustworthy sources. Look at these people. No. They're here. They're here. Way too much time on their hands. Yeah.

There's like seven people in here. Only two of them are getting paid. Yeah. The rest are just here because they like this. I know. That's not people you trust. No, I don't trust me and I'm here. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And you're probably not getting paid for being here. None. There's a chance you do though. Oh. Yeah. What are we promoting? You know what? I'll do it right now. Why not? This is a natural segue. Dylan, I've got a segment for you. Okay. Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to read you 15 statements. Oh, this is one of the segments. This is one of the segments. I'm going to read you 15 statements you stand.

Standing out of camera. Oh, say can you... Okay, so I'm going to read you 15 statements. They have an objective true or false answer. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can after each one. I'm talking rapid fire. If you think it's true or false, and Dylan, hear me on this, if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Oh my God. Absolutely. Okay. Harold Prince holds the record for most Tony Award wins at 21 total.

True. True. John Cena is a 16-time world wrestling champion. True. True. Dr. Seuss had a doctoral degree in dentistry. True. False. He's not an actual doctor. Fuck. Humans have the same number of neck vertebrae as elephants. False. True. Idina Menzel is a black belt in judo. True. False. Fuck. Sacramento produces the most avocados in the U.S. Yes. True. False. San Diego. Not my people. Paul Bunyan was a real person.

False. Stewie from Family Guy wears red overalls. True. True. The first Instagram DM was sent in December 2013. True. True. The most expensive shoes ever made are worth $19.9 million. False. True. Chicago is the longest running show in Broadway history. False. False. It's Phantom of the Opera. YouTube's original slogan was tune in, hook up. True. True. Anton Chekhov wrote An Actor Prepares. False. False it was. Oh my God. An Actor Prepares is...

Stanislavski. Sabrina Carpenter's aunt voices Bart Simpson. False? True. Wow. The Chargers have never won the Super Bowl. Oh, true. True. How'd she do?

That's okay. You have so many other things. I'll bend on myself $50 later. You have so many other things going on. You don't need to win that. Thank you. You're winning in a lot of other areas. I got the Broadway ones. That's what's important. Yeah, you're a big Broadway girl, Lena. I love it. I was going to say Indiana Jones. Idina Menzel. She's got the black belt. The wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.

I love that clip. I watch it all the time. Oh, it's still like, what's your TikTok for you page? Like, cause I get those all like, you know, the, um, they do like best of compilations. I see that one every day. Really? Yeah. I have a question for you. Yeah. I don't really know what my for you page is. I don't, I don't, I guess if I, if I am scrolling, I'm getting like Southern people.

I'm just getting southern people. Just in general. Just literally. Four likes per video. Just literally like a woman being like, hey y'all, today we're going down to Walmart. We're going to buy lunch for my working class husband. Are they like eating in their car, like telling you about their day? Sometimes. Yeah. Single mom who works two jobs. Oh. It's too hard. Too hard? Who loves her kids and never stops with gentle hands. You know it? In the heart of a fighter.

I'm a survivor. That's beautiful. Thank you. I have a question for you. What musical would you want to be in?

I, Legally Blonde, I would love to be in Wicked. I would love to be in, oh, Sweeney Todd one day as Mrs. Lovett. What does she do? She's like 20 years away from that. What does she do? Make pies in Sweeney Todd's pie shop. That's her only thing? Her pie shop. Wait, I thought he was a barber. He's the barber. He lives upstairs. But he has a pie shop? No, his girlfriend does. And you're the girlfriend? Duh.

So, Sweeney, what the fuck is that thing about? Sweeney Todd's a barber who lives above a pie shop and he dates the pie girl? Yeah. Yes. I'm falling asleep a little bit. There's a lot of murder. Okay. A lot of murder. Now I'm in and you want to play pie girl. I'm pie girl. You're barber. I'm barber? You're barber. You'd be so good. Yeah, you want to be evil. Is he villainous? We can't book movies, but we can get Broadway. I want to be villainous. Oh, the most. I want to be so villainous. He's such a dick.

Oh, I want to play that. You're close. I do want to play something you think in real life. Yeah. What do you think of me? I think you're one of the funniest people I've ever met. Okay. When I met you, I knew that you were going to be a star. Stop.

I think you were a little intimidating at first, to be honest. No, me? Yes, you. Because I think you're, like, someone who's, like, you know, knows yourself really well, really knows how, like, what I like is that you don't, like, take from other people in the room, but you do know how to command, like,

the stage. And like when you're telling a story, your people are with you. You have that. Really? Absolutely. Thank you. Yeah. I know what you guys are thinking. Caleb, why are you drinking that delicious looking beer slash energy drink? You guys dream on. I'm not doing that stuff. Okay. I'm drinking liquid death. And one thing I love about them genuinely is they donate a portion of profits from every cancel to help kill plastic pollution. So what these guys are murdering your freaking thirst. And then they're also murdering the single use plastic bottle. Uh,

Yeah, sign me up. I absolutely love Liquid Death for real. They've been very good to me. Low sugar sodas, low sugar iced teas. They're doing natural mountain water. And I drink the regular spring water, the mountain spring water, the normal water. It's just in a can. And I love it. And I'm drinking it all the time. Hard days in the coal mine here at the podcasting coal mine where I clock in every day and I break my back for my family, my wife and my kids.

I'm drinking this stuff. You can get free shipping of Liquid Death's Mountain Water Flavored Sparkling and Iced Tea 8-Packs with Amazon Prime or grab a can or a case at your local 7-Eleven, Target, Walmart, Whole Foods, or Instacart. Go to liquiddeath.com slash sotrue to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. That's liquiddeath.com slash sotrue. liquiddeath.com slash sotrue. My For You page is not a lot of comedy right now. It's a lot of...

sort of Appalachian Mountains lore. That's you. A lot of backroom. Yeah. You ever been to the backrooms before? Backroom? You know what the fuck. I'm seeing a lot of heads going like this. The backroom is... The backroom is there. It's basically a different dimension that is potentially under us. And there's people that will go...

And it's almost like a place that you've only seen in your dreams. Wow, I'm really sounding like a conspiracy theorist wearing a Princess Diana sweatshirt. And that makes me really nervous. And looking stunning, by the way. I don't support the Princess Diana conspiracy theories, I don't think. Let's let her rest. Okay. But I do think that the back rooms really scare me. And the people that live in the Appalachian Mountains that, you know, people go missing a lot. And we're not talking about national parks.

People going missing all the time. What is the I still don't understand the back room. Okay the back room I don't honey. Oh, that's what it looks like. Oh my god I feel like it's like the fucking the grudge or whatever It's like um the ring where you've like seen it you have seven days to live now like you're it's over for you You're for you page. That's just a hallway Exactly what exactly?

Someone help. You've never seen that in a sleep paralysis before? No, that's not happening to me. It's an online phenomenon where it's the idea of liminal spaces. Yeah. Abandoned children's playgrounds, McDonald's, play places, things like that. That eerie feeling you get that there's a dimension where it's just that all the time. There's monsters that live there that'll kill you. Uh-huh.

I flew him in. Yeah. And, um, you brought him in to do that. And, um, I, tonight sleep, sleep with one eye open. That's all I gotta say. You're not going to be happy with this response from me. I don't think, but I've never, the liminal space thing, like people post a picture of a loading dock and they go, isn't this eerie? And I go, no, it's just like a loading dock. Terrifying. Do you know what kind of things go down at loading? Am I one of the bravest people to ever live or am I a total idiot? Well, it's, I feel turned on right now. Oh,

I hope that's what the listeners are getting from this. The fact that that photo of a hallway did not just scare you makes me want to jump your bones. Well, get in line, honey. But that picture, it should not be scaring people. Okay. I'm feeling judgmental about it. You're feeling fear when you see that? Yeah. Well, because I know what that means. You don't know yet, but you have to really get deep into this. I have to get submerged. Yep. Yep. Interesting. So what's the idea? There's monsters in there? I think so.

Who knows? Your worst fear is probably. Will you tell me honestly, is this like an inside joke? No, it's real. It's like 100% real. And people are really seeing that and going. I think so. Well, at least those of us who are silly enough to believe. And.

And let me tell you something, Dylan. You have clocked me to hell and back because I am not silly enough to believe. Oh, you aren't. That is what's lacking on this set. I don't do silly very often. Thank God I'm here. There's silliness on the set. It's just not coming from me. I am so... Like, I truly am the most...

uh the least sarcastic i i'm so i i believe everything at face value yeah you told me there was a monster there's a monster yeah you told me that you know i should join a cult i'll do it whatever you want yeah i'm opposite really if someone says there's a monster in there i go what are you six and that's the first person dead in a movie i would get killed in the movie i'd be the person that's like i'm gonna go grab the beers from the haunted garage i want us to do like um like a scary movie reboot you know with like where it's like a

Like, you know when Anna Faris did, like, Scary Movie? Those are the best. I love those. I miss them. Let's make one. And then there was one, Vampire Suck, which maybe didn't get as much press, but it was, like, Twilight themed. Yeah. You into Twilight? Yeah.

I never saw it. Cries, falls out of the chair, dies. I knew there was a reason I didn't want to come on this podcast. Yeah. Why? I didn't see it, but I understand. Two very different trans women sitting at this chair. Two trans women sitting before me. You go watch. Type in ContraPoints Twilight on YouTube. Watch for the two and a half hours. You will know. I think I got the gist of it. Through osmosis, I got the Twilight gist.

There's Team Edward, Team Jacob. Through what? People were talking. You didn't read the books? I dated a girl. I dated a girl who was really into Twilight, and I got her a Twilight poster for Christmas one year. As her boyfriend. I said, here you go, Chica. You want to make out at Kate's Lake Party or what? And we did. It was awesome. I just really liked kissing, and I thought that was heterosexuality. I love kissing. Kissing is huge, and I thought that I was heterosexual. You did? Oh, for sure. Did you not think you were straight ever? No.

No. I was like six, swimming under the dad's, different stranger dad's legs in the swimming pool, looking at their butts with my eyes open under the chlorine. They were definitely pulling your dad aside and being like, hey, Dylan's being weird in the pool again. But then I was like, am I heterosexual now? Which is crazy to think about. Always complicated. Not fully. Sexuality starts to really fall apart when you,

get enlightened about gender. Yeah. Because then it's like, what are we talking about? Exactly. And that's what we're going through with you right now. That's...

I would love, I wish, I wish. I would love to be cooler. I just was listening to the Trixie Mattel pod with the both of you and I'm like, there seems to be the theme on these pods. What is the theme? That you're trans. Would be cool. I think I could rock a he-they. I could rock a he-they at some point. Oh, I loved that. That was so fun for like three months. Yeah, he-they. Yeah. Did you do a he-they? I did a he-they quietly in the bio. Thank you for...

And then we did a real hard launch of a they them on my birthday like two, three years ago. Quietly launching he or she slash they in the bio is such a move. And you just, you know, right after. And you go, someone might see this. Someone might. Someone might. Someone might.

I clock it. Sometimes when I haven't seen a friend in a while and they've been getting more and more experimental with their haircuts, I check the bio just to make sure that it hasn't popped up. And then they often, maybe they took their pronouns out when they got that haircut. And you go, well, now what the fuck am I supposed to do? No, when the haircut gets too experimental, I go, has a they popped up in the bio or not? Because I want to start using it. It's a good gauge. Well, that's just how you know. The haircuts start getting a little different and you go, there's a they floating around in there. You could dye your hair. Me? Yeah. What would you like to see? Blonde. Blonde.

Now, see, I would get dragged to hell if I went blonde. No, because... People would accuse me of being mentally ill, which I'm not. No, you're obviously doing the Legally Blonde reboot. Yeah. And you've got to commit to the bit. I'll commit to the bit. What is... Okay, you told me you'd most want to be Pie Lady and Sweeney Todd. Yeah. I just asked a guest this earlier. What is, if you could snap your fingers...

Okay. Oh, you did it. We're done. If you could snap your fingers and get all the money in the world, all the support in the world to make a project tomorrow, what would you make? Oh my God. Um, I would make, it can't be the legally blonde remake. Okay. Deal. Um, I want to do like a trans rom-com that is basically a spoof of like every early two thousands film where like I have like a

a Princess Diaries makeover. I've got a wedding. I've got prom. I've got like, I want it to be all of them thrown into one. And just to really like check the boxes of like, cause what we didn't get to see like trans girls do in the early 2000s. Yeah. That's what I want. Ugh. I think that'd be a lot of fun. I know. Or, oh, a spy movie. Ooh.

Ooh, that those are expensive. So I should probably ask for something that costs a little more. That's the thing you have to dream big with the money. Action is expensive. It really is. Well, did you already say what you, what yours would be? Mine would be, no, I didn't. What would mine be? All the money in the world.

I think I would make something, I would just make something psychotic. I would basically cast myself as the lead in like a Star Wars-esque, like huge tentpole, like science fiction film. Really? And you wouldn't be funny in it? No. No, I would just go weird. I just feel like, you know, it's like you've got your moment. You've got to make people laugh once. Once? Yeah. For the first time? Yeah. Make people laugh for once? For once. For once make them laugh. I just, yeah, I would want to do something so big and crazy with big costumes and world building. Yeah, I love outfits.

Something like Dune, but interesting. How is dating apps going for you? Are you liking it on there? Actually, just this week, it totally turned around. Me too. Really? Negative way for me, though. Oh, okay. It started going bad. Three guys canceled on me. Funny how you just turned it to the negative again. I did. But it's going positive for you. Three guys canceled? I'm saying. But it's going well for you. Yes. What's going on in your world? Well, number one, Raya was a lot of DJs and CEOs, which I didn't know that that many CEOs could exist in the world.

In the world. Yeah. So it makes me question the validity of their CEO-ness. I think you're spot on. But I have connected with like...

Oh my God. One of my like long time crushes, like from many years ago, actually two of them, one was like celebrity crush and then one was like a friend crush. So, um, it's good. I think I'm getting a little fishier. I think I'm getting a little, you know, I was just trying to take myself from cute to fuckable and that's where we're getting closer. Not there yet, but it's, it's happening. What do you think those, like if someone listening is like, I want to go from cute to fuckable, what do you think those changes are?

I think, you know, anything where, you know, nip slips are great. I think cursing can help. Cursing ads. Yes. I think controversy is good. I think any way that you can kind of sandpaper your image is a good thing. I've been through a few now. Yeah. So it gives permission to people to fuck me. Yeah. Or at least touch themselves and think about me. Yeah. Yeah. That's beautiful. Because I'm sad sometimes.

What's your favorite song or piece of media about people touching themselves? Oh, well, mine is XO, the cover by John Mayer, though. Your life is bright as ever. Yeah. You know that one? I sure do. Yeah, that one makes me really going. What's yours? Mine, it's a tie. It's either that Divinals song. And when I think about you, I touch myself. Oh, that's hot. That's really bouncy, though. That's bouncy. And then the other one is...

touching yourself by a Japanese house. Oh, you're pretty on the nose with these. Just how it goes. Not a lot of imagination. Why do you think these people ghosted on you? Why did they not show up at your dates? Yeah, I mean, fuck. I don't know. A lack of imagination about how good our life could be together. Exactly. Probably. Do you think you're just terrible at manifesting?

I don't believe in manifesting, so probably. Yeah. Forget your troubles. Come on. Happy days. I was going to ask you, but I didn't think you were a singer. You guys sang Forget Your Troubles, Happy Days. Get Happy, Happy Days Are Here Again. Beautiful. Barbra Streisand duet. I don't know it, but that's beautiful. Do you know that one, Judy Garland? Okay. It was really great. It was from Glee. Had you ever seen? I...

I've seen clips online, but I never watched the show. We have very different tastes. I got jumped in a gay bar once because I didn't know what Judy Garland looked like. Now, I know Judy Garland in general, but I was in a gay bar in New York City. New York! New York! I was in a gay bar in New York City. There are dozens of pictures of women on the wall.

And they said, look at her. She looks so beautiful. I said, who is that? They said, that's Judy Garland. Are you kidding? I said, I don't know what Judy Garland's head shot. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't hold my hand. She's beautiful. But I don't remember what she looks like. I haven't seen that movie since I was a kid. The Wizard of Oz? I'm not re-watching it all the time.

To remember what she looks like? You aren't trans. Thank you! You aren't... I don't know what you are. Cis allegations confirmed. Scary. I think she's beautiful, Judy Garland. You think she's beautiful? I thought her picture was beautiful from the wall. Thank you! She's going to look many different ways. Also, put 17 women in black and white on the wall and tell me you know who Judy Garland is. And they're all doing that old school... Yes! Yes!

That's Cola Scola in O'Mary. All I'm saying is I got jumped. These gay men were furious with me. Do you like Xenon? The sequel? Or what about the first one? I know the names, but I don't think I saw them. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Make my heart go boom, boom, boom. Is that from the Supernova Girl? You are really talented. You should be in Xenon. Are they still casting? They might make a new one. What about Lizzie McGuire? Oh, love her. Okay.

Go off, girl. It's not all bad here. But I don't always know the reference points with Lizzie McGuire either. They'll be like, oh, not her being a brunette in Spain or like that episode. That's a pretty good reference. You knew. But I know it now because I've heard it enough times that people go, oh, you have to be on a moped. It's the movie. It's the movie. And I didn't see that. But I saw some of the episodes. Okay. I was watching like a lot of Julia Roberts movies as a kid.

That's crazy. It is. It's insane. This is how I was acting. What's your favorite? My favorite Julia. Oh, don't do that to me, Dylan. My favorite Julia Roberts movie. What do you want? Sad. Yeah. The saddest one that I love.

Probably stepmom. Oh, I was going to say Steel Magnolias. Oh, God. Steel Magnolias. Drink your juice. Have you seen Stepmom? Never. Now who's a fool? Now who's a fool, Dylan? You play the fool. You haven't seen Stepmom? I've had a lot of stepmoms, so it's a little on the nose for me, and it might make me sad. It will definitely make you sad. If you've had any kind of mom, it'll make you sad. It really gets on all the mom stuff. As many of us have. Many of us have had moms. Susan Sarandon, star performance. Oh. Ed Harris. Wow. She's busy. He's just kind of there. But yeah, yeah.

incredible Julia Roberts Susan Strandon oh my god stepmom I cry if you ever need to cry if you need a good cry and you're looking for a reason other than your real feelings take a shot at stepmom I'm gonna write it my notes Julia Roberts can do no wrong everything she's ever been in she's so talented and I could actually cry talking about her would you kiss her Julia Roberts yeah for sure for sure yeah I don't think it would be sexual I don't think she would take it there okay I think but I think she would it would be consensual is it okay that that was hurtful

No, no, no. I really think it would be more about the sort of mother-child dynamic of just like a sweet little kiss. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. I just don't think she would want to ruin that for you. Mona Lisa smile? Never heard of that. Really?

I have a question for you. Hey, we have, you're really good friends. Are we have a really good mutual friend, Lady J? Oh my God. And we haven't even talked about her yet. Oh, she's my favorite. Isn't she the best? Oh my God, my mentor. An absolute genius living. She's the, she is the moment. She's the blueprint. Without like, not everyone even knows that like all the things that they love is it's because of her. Our Lady J is an absolute trailblazing pioneering genius. She is my best.

like BFF and mother. How did you guys meet? We met watching Kiki Boots at, um, the Hollywood Bowl. Do you ever see a musical at the Hollywood Bowl? No. Didn't think so. Um,

And we kind of got put on a friend date by a friend of ours, Stephen. And she has been transitioned for a very long time and I think was like, oh, God, who's this new girl? And we made each other laugh. And I think the theater, there aren't that many people that love theater in LA. So we kind of bonded and now we're doing a bunch of projects together. And it's just cool to like, I think in...

specifically in this industry like for a trans person there's only so many um you know people like in high power like like she's one of the few i think trans people right now that that could show run something and and in that caliber and she um really helps me navigate those kind of conversations of like who you know who has my best interest who doesn't that kind of stuff yeah how'd you meet her

We got connected in a work setting. I had pitched a show with my friend Holmes, who you know. I love. To Jax Media, and we were about to take it out and start pitching it, and they were like, hey, we need a showrunner. And I had pitched some people that I had worked with and liked, and Jax was like, we really want you to meet with Our Lady J.

And I was a little annoyed because they were already working with her on something. And so I felt they were just giving me the convenient person that they didn't have to make like a tough phone call. No, bitch. You were getting the best of the best. And so I was a little going into it like...

I'm excited to meet this woman. I'm a fan. But we will see if... I was prepared to be like, we can just be friends and it might not be a work fit. I was definitely vetting because I just felt like they were taking the easy road. Yes. She's one of those people though that you know her for something, but she can do a thousand things just as well. Yeah. Whereas you and me, you think we're good at something and that's all we're good at. Truly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, interesting. Yeah. I think that's not true for me, but...

Lady J is amazing in a million things. And we met and I was just completely taken with her. And I was like, it couldn't be anyone else. We have to work together. And then we became very good friends. And didn't you go to like Berlin or something? We went to Berlin together for New Year's. Yeah. She speaks like fluent German. Fuck. You just learn things about her constantly. I can't do that. Can you? Don't need to. What?

Why not? Why wouldn't I need to speak German? I don't love Germany. Fair. So I'm like, I don't need to speak German. You know what? I do need to speak. I'm in Spanish classes right now. Okay. I love, I want to speak Spanish very badly. And I would like maybe French. I would like to know. Oui. Oui. Oui. Bonsoir. Bonsoir.

Do you speak French? Just the prayer. Just that one prayer. I also know I want your dick, which is, I believe. I might get dragged for that. But I'm going to Paris tomorrow. You are? And I've got some cute outfits, so be on the lookout for that. Can I ask what airline you're flying? I'm on Delta. Are you doing Delta 1?

I'm in business. Okay, I love that. That's going to be nice. I've got my little Xanax ready. Ooh. 10 hours. I've never done like Xanax or weed or anything for a fight. Oh my God. You haven't heard my Ambien story? No. Oh no. This is a good podcast one. Y'all focus up. Everyone focus up. I think the year was 2020.

And I was like probably 21. I was getting on a flight from LA to New York. And my dad had given me a Bora Bora Ambien, which is an Ambien that you get from a random doctor in Bora Bora. So we don't actually know what it is. And so I was like getting on the plane. Or no, I was at the bar. I made some friends at the airport. As you would. And yeah.

I had a beer to wash it down with. And then I get on the plane and we're sitting down. Are you supposed to do that? What's that? Are you supposed to do that? No. Okay. But I thought that was kind of the fun part of being like, well, you're not... That's what... I thought that's what my mom told me. Yeah. But...

Okay, so I get on the plane. We start kind of like taking off, whatever. I've got a very sweet old man next to me. And I felt a little funny in my stomach. And then I saw, I was looking at my phone and all the letters started floating off the screen and then crumpling into themselves. Yeah, you hate to see that. And then I just saw the color purple and not the Whoopi Goldberg version. Right, right.

Nor Fantasia, actually. No, I saw like pure purple out of my eyes when I opened them and then black. And then I projectile vomited all over the flight. And it's we're going up in the air. We're like literally like like taking off. And so then all of a sudden, I mean, I couldn't see anything. I get taken, thrown into a bathroom by a flight attendant. And you just hear nine, seven, three, four. We're turning this aircraft around.

And so I'm like, oh my God, what happened? Like, what? There's a mechanical failure. And so I got it all out of my system. I felt amazing. Like never looked or felt better in my life. And then I peeked my head out and I was like, excuse me. And then I realized, oh my God, maybe they're turning around because of me. And I was like, hi, I was just wondering what's going on. She's like, you are getting off this plane.

transphobic. I wasn't a girl at the time, but definitely it was, she, it felt pointed. She knew. And then, um, I was like, I made this up. I was going to New York and I was like, I have a big audition. And she was like, you're going to have to cancel that audition. And then, um, so then we land and,

And then the two men in hazmat suits come on with the tiniest wheelchair you've ever seen that fit between the seats. They throw me in the wheelchair. And then I like roll by this like older man who now has towels all over him.

And I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I still wish I had his address just to send him like an edible arrangement or something. Yeah. And then they put me in like the quarantine at LAX and I have to talk to these men. And they're like, where have you been traveling? I think they thought, I think it was giving like Ebola or something. And I was like, no, I swear. It was a Bora Bora Ambien. And then I go, they were like, well, where were, you know, why were you, I was supposed to not, I was going to not be able to fly for like three days or something. And I was like, I

I have tickets to Hamilton and they were like oh shit and this was like and they were like this was peak of Hamilton they charter you a PJ OBC yeah OBC do you know what that means um oh that's an initials of an actor fuck you original Broadway cast okay OBC and so they're like well that changes things and so they're like when's the show and it's like tomorrow night

I got on the next flight out. Same airline. That's nuts. Yeah. That's nuts. I felt so good afterward. Never took Bora Bora Ambien ever again. I can see why. Yeah. You took one and did eco-terrorism briefly. Yes. But they do turn the plane around in case you didn't know. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. I think they were right too, but I don't feel safe that they let you get on another one. I'm kind of team them not letting you get on a plane. Oh, I just, I, yeah. You charmed them. That one was just like a, just like a little beer and a snack. It was fine. That's crazy.

Dylan, that's nuts. That poor old man. You ever turn a plane around? Can't say that I have. Can't say that I've had the pleasure. No. I'm trying to think if I've ever... I'm about to get in a... I think I'm going to get in a fight with a flight attendant soon. You know? Like a verbal argument because they're really getting testy. I think we let... I think COVID just took them to... COVID took them to a new place. They're being very mean now. Good. No, I don't think so. They deserve the world. Why? Why?

Because think about people put them through so much. Well, now they're putting me through things. I don't want to be victimized. I'm nice to them. They yell at me about the bag. What about your bag? They just yell at me about the bag. They yell at me about how to turn the wheels when I'm already doing it. Me and flight attendants, we're not in a good place right now. Yeah, fuck her then. Thank you. Oh, that was crazy. Thank you. Oh, I didn't. Oh. Did that feel nice to yell at her? I don't know. Dylan. Dylan.

I guess. What is your most negative opinion? Oh. Oh, fuck. What do I not like? Oh, I hate Monaco. What did Monaco do? What didn't it? No, Dylan. So...

I just, I went there. I was so excited. Took the entire day. Me and my best friend, Lily, we were going like, we like made a plan where I was in Antibes and we got, it's a different country than France. So we get an Uber. It was very long Uber to go across the border to Monaco.

And it's just, it's not very lovely. All, it's all condos. Yeah. Not a house in sight. Yeah. Beaches full. Yeah. Everyone, they're there. That's beautiful. No. Not a spot to stand. Oh no. And, and it's a lot of gambling.

You know, which I might my I just I don't want to spend my money that way right? It's not but it felt pressured It felt that was the thing to do. Yeah And then I found out that I don't think the trans rights are so good there and I say really in Monaco nervous Yes, and then try to book an uber to go back. You can't book an uber to go back so I had to walk across the border and It was it was not a good day. You do walk across a border. Yes, I

what's going on i will say the monaco france border isn't a particularly like um cuckoo one to try to get over but it's my feet hurt yeah yeah yeah it was a lot i was wearing heels i think i'm on your side thank you fuck monaco yeah oh get them out i kind of feel like that feels weird now like you need to like it oh you want me to be oh i love monaco yeah i think it's good when the beach is for you are you a big gambler i don't gamble

I don't gamble. Sometimes I'll have friends put a little money down for me. Oh, you make them pay for your bad habits? Yeah. I'll throw a friend like 50 bucks and be like, put this on something for the game. Oh, okay, okay, okay. And then I'll be like, whatever. If I lose, I lose. And if I win, we can split it.

We could go to Vegas one day. Do you want to go to Vegas? We'd have fun. I want to go see the Maroon 5 residency. Oh, I want to see Gaga in the jazz residency. And I also would like to go to a Sphere show. I want to go to a Sphere show bad. Who's Maroon 5? No, Maroon 5. And she will be loved. That was nice. That was nice. That was really good. What did you... Who do you like? I mean, you like Gaga. We know this. I love Gaga. I love...

Oh, Iron and Wine from Twilight. Oh, yeah. The flightless bird. Yeah. You know that one? Yeah. Oh, that's my wedding song. Really? Yeah. Give us a little bit. Have I fallen for you?

Those are kind of the only words you can understand in that one. Beautiful. And then I love Carole King. I love Joni Mitchell. Oh, of course. Abba. Oh, my God. Chapel Roan. Chapel Roan's killing it. Oh, my God. I feel like I found her first. She's a Missouri girl. Really? Yeah. That's right. Oh, I love that. And Rene Rapp. Love Rene Rapp. Good singer. Good singer. Love a good singer. Really good singer. Who did I... Who...

You said Carole King and it reminded me of, oh, I went to see a friend of mine play Colbert. And the interview, you know, you never really know who the interview is going to be. And the interview was with Carole Burnett. Oh my God. And it was really special. That is so crazy. It was really special. It was beautiful. I mean, yeah, it was just so...

it was so sweet and it was a really good he asked really good questions you could tell everyone in the room felt how special it was and Stephen's questions were so good you could tell he was real like it just it was it was awesome and that was really cool so glad you got to experience that Caleb thank you but you said Carole King and it reminded me of it okay same name same name what are your favorite movies

Breakfast at Tiffany's. Okay. I love Up from Disney. I love Bridesmaids. A classic. I love The Color Purple, speaking of. And what's like my favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite?

romey and michelle's high school reunion classic yeah that really tracks it gives the my aesthetic that makes sense yeah yeah it's like fun and and they they're they're dressed so fun in it it's a good energy it's funny escape yeah yeah who who's your favorite actress oh my god you have to pick only one only one yeah only one i reese witherspoon won't leave my head she's just she just makes me feel so safe you see an election

duh duh some people haven't some people haven't seen election and i find my i find myself and now she's really like getting serious she does a lot of serious acting now and she's a serious actor to me i love her i love her i've never not liked her in something she's so charming who's your favorite julia roberts oh there we go probably overall i mean i have yeah obviously we all have a bunch but i think julia roberts is the main thing she was my mom she's my mom's favorite actress and so growing up anything julia roberts my mom was like going nuts for i also am in a big sarah jessica park

phase right now because of I'm doing a Sex and the City rewatch everyone is everyone is everyone I'm talking everybody just did Girls they're like done with that they're on Sex and the City now I was ahead I did a Sopranos rewatch before everyone started doing it and a Girls rewatch before everyone started doing it I was behind on Sex and the City I've just started and everyone's been there for a second I feel I was behind on that but I'm in it now I'm on season like three I think who do you feel like

Well, God, this caused a whole drama because I asked my Instagram followers recently. It went south? Everyone said I was Samantha for the most part. Really? Yeah. I thought maybe I'd be Carrie. Miranda. See, that's really hurtful. Yeah, obviously that's hurtful. Miranda and Charlotte are such not... I don't want to be them. I'm kind of a Charlotte. Do you think you're a Charlotte? I was. I was. And...

as I'm getting more fuckable, that's shifting. Moving from cute to fuckable takes you from Charlotte to Samantha. Yeah, and there's some Carrie actually in that pipeline crossover. What part? Narcissist? Yes. Smoker? Yeah. Wow, hey. Yeah, and just I think a little boy crazy. Boy crazy. Yeah, Carrie is very, I mean, can't shut up about him. I know that about her. Cannot stop talking about it. But I just feel like you're giving like,

You're like, can't we just talk about something other than relationships? Yeah. That's you. Yeah. You think I'm like an uptight lesbian.

You said it, not me. Yeah, I know. I understand. I definitely, those votes came in. No, but like actually there, it's a, it's a good thing to be a Miranda. She is the most level headed. She sees things realistically. I think if, if when I die, people say about me, God, he was level headed. That will, that will have been a waste. He was level headed. No, that's beautiful. You really are such a good singer. That's why we're here. Are you singing? Oh,

Oh, yeah. What is that show about? Will you tell me more about it? It's sort of like the twink to straight woman pipeline. It's, um, I, I feel like what I did throughout my transition was try to strip every piece of myself away that alluded to any of my, like, gay man stereotypes that I used to lean into, and then realizing, oh my god, no matter what I do, these people are, it's never going to be enough, so I'm just going to, like, be a woman and a

Yeah. And I think that's, it feels so nice to like not have to adhere to whatever people think that my womanhood should be. Totally. I love that. Yeah. I had a very different version of that, but I felt very like when I, when I came out as gay, I think I stripped away a lot of things about myself that felt like, uh,

anything from the closet, anything masculine, anything like, anything that felt acceptable to people where I was from that I would play up to make sure no one thought I was gay. You just bought a lot of crop tops. Baby, I mean, I definitely wore like pride merch for a year or two and that was tough, but yeah, I think I definitely stripped away a bunch of things and then I had another reckoning where I was like, actually some of those things are true about me. Do we think pride merch is now not for gay people?

I think it's been not for gay people for a while. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's definitely for our moms. It's for moms. It's for allies. Yeah. Pride merch is for allies. Yeah. And gay people who, gay people who wear like pride merch are definitely, I feel a disconnect from.

If you're like earnestly wearing an HRC shirt, I'm like, I love you. I support you, but I don't feel connected. Yeah. But that's, that could be your audience. It definitely, some of them are out there for sure. And they're listening. Good. I love your shirt. I love your shirt. But that's another thing is it depends on where you do it. I think if you, I've said this before, if you have an RBG tote in Brooklyn, it's a little chuggy. If you have an RBG tote in Memphis, it's different because the climate is different. You know what I'm saying? Like,

Like things are just, I think there's just geographical. Yeah. I think I get to be on the coast. I get to be like a jaded, disaffected liberal. And then when I'm back in Kansas city, I'm a little more like, I'm a more target pride collection. Exactly. Correct. And I think it's completely acceptable.

Cause I think it's different. It's needed. You know, you need the target. It's beautiful in Missouri. The target pride collection is needed. That is your version of activism. Yeah. That's the, that's the extent of activism as well. That's all I'm doing. T-shirts. It feels like enough to me. Just t-shirts. It's you showing up. Kill parent, how to be an activist. Just t-shirts. Activist t-shirts are kind of cute.

I don't wear a lot of t-shirts. You don't. That's because you're high glam. I actually, I came a little more casual for you today. Thank you. Thank you for knowing that. Thank you. That I would want that. Cause I really, I love a casual moment. Yeah. Do you like being in, do you like, you like. I love full glam. Yeah. You love full glam. Oh my God. You're like comfortable in it or you're uncomfortable, but you don't mind. Oh no. I feel way more comfortable in that than this. Really? Yes. Because if I, if I look good, everything's going to be okay. Yeah. That's how I feel. That's really interesting. Yeah.

You don't like to wear tuxes? God, no. Okay. I don't like dressing up. I do acknowledge that I look, when I really like, when I shave and- So hot? I look not, yeah, I look great. I admit that I look handsome, but I don't enjoy it. I'm never excited to put on a suit. Oh my God. I'm always a little like, for real. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Get me in a dress. But even in a comfy look, you're doing like big glam. Like you're doing earrings and makeup and nails done. Thank you. You're accessorizing it. Soft. Do you like it? I love. It's my favorite. I do think there will be a period of time where I enter like a really hot butch sort of...

Yummy androgynous thing, but that's like three years away. What is that gonna look like? Do you think? Slicked back hair. Oh, probably short like really short hair. Yeah, maybe a little like eyebrow piercing Maybe like like maybe I'll probably by then I'll have gotten fake tits and then we'll probably get top surgery again to then get them taken out

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'm just like taping down. And, you know, maybe like some wide-legged jeans could do me some good. Yeah. You know what I mean? I see you in wide-legged jeans. Yeah. I see that for you for sure. I can't wait. Is that butch though? Wide-legged jeans? Some could say. Yeah. For me, very. Depends, yeah. Maybe like a carpenter. What would your idea of me as butch be? You as butch? Yeah. Oh, God. I'd love to see you in like a business suit. Mm-hmm.

U.S. Butch. I don't know. What is Butch? I mean, when I think of Butch, I think of like a denim vest. Oh. Like a flat top haircut. What else is Butch to me? Cargo pants. Yeah. A nice work boot. Timberlands. I think of like Lea Delaria.

Wow. That's Butch to me. Yeah. I mean, she's the OG, but she's the Butch blueprint. Right. She's the Butch brand. And then I think I'll end with like a Diane Keaton sort of aesthetic. God. Coastal, grandmother, large sun hat. Yeah. Pinstripe tee. Yeah. She's really nailed a vibe. She's really created a niche that is like, that's the Diane Keaton look. Yeah. We're not going to go after her today. I'm so glad that...

Diane Keaton is our common ground. Oh, I love Diane Keaton. Oh, thank God. I couldn't have handled it. First Wives Club? Are you kidding me? You don't know. Why am I singing every single... You want to know?

We say in one reference, can't stop. You can't help yourself. Well, that is the big thing from that movie, though. She's so sweet. She's so good. I love Diane Keaton. And someone joked the other day on some... I saw something online about some movie poster with her. And they were like, does she write into her contracts that she has to wear her personal wardrobe and everything? Because she does her big look in everything now. She probably does... I feel like she styles most of it. Probably. And she looks amazing. She should. I get so nervous that...

if and when I'm on a TV show that I'm not going to be in cute clothing. My biggest fear. Oh, well, I've lived that nightmare. Oh, have you? Oh God. Every TV show I've been on, they put me the last, the last TV thing I did, they put me in a, like a polo and a leather jacket. Neither of them fit. A polo and a leather jacket. Yes. And they had me driving a Suburban.

It was for Killing It, season two. And they, thank you guys for having me. I loved being on. But I will say when they put the clothes on me, I was like, wow, I would kill to be in anything other than this. It was a really tough look. It was tough.

You didn't take it home? No. No. I don't think they would have appreciated that. But it's not always their fault. I will say there's just not a ton of very fashionable stuff for big guys. What are your favorite brands? My favorite brands that I can actually wear? My favorite brands that I can actually wear? I mean, there's a brand called Johnny Big out of Canada that's like men's big and tall suits and dress shirts and stuff. You should do a pride campaign with them. Johnny Big pride campaign. Hit me up, y'all. T-shirts.

They, I'll do it. And then say, it says, I will only wear this in Kansas city. Yeah. Or in the mid. Yeah. We'll not wear this in LA. Honestly, what do you, I think, uh, if I, if there's one brand that I could get to make stuff on my size, it would probably be a little way there. Oh, I love their men's stuff. That feels like should already be a thing, but if not now, if not, if not now, when,

If not now, soon. We need to make it happen. What are your favorite brands? Oh, I love Prada. I love... Oh, I love Alice and Olivia. Mm-hmm. Sandro. Valentino. And then...

I did used to like Brandy Melville, but they went way downhill. I used to work there actually. It's a, it's a subject. The girls fucking no, they were like, girl, you did not just, um, but it's, you know, they had nice quality cotton shirts for very cheap. Um, but I think like,

I just love clothes. I know you do. I do. I have a question for you. Yeah. Dylan, what's so true to you? What's so true to me? Yeah. Like, oh, like true to me? Yeah. Like what is so true? Like what's a hill you would die on? What's so true to you? Or like what's a thing that you just believe is like universally true? Oh, that if everyone just like had a day full of jet skiing, no, there would, nothing bad would exist in this world. Yeah.

A day full every day or just one a year? You put all the problematic ones on a jet ski. Yeah. They'll figure their shit out and they'll come back with smiles on their faces. How often should they get to be on the jet ski? Once a quarter? It's like, honestly, it tides you over for about four years. Really? And then you get the itch.

And then you might start back up again around year five. One day on a jet ski tied you over for... One day somewhere really beautiful too. Good weather. Bora Bora. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, shit. I love that. It'll do it every time. I love that.

Do you have a jet ski? You ever jet skied? Oh yeah. Well I thought so. You're here. I'm out on the lake. You're thriving. Clearly. I'm thriving. I've been on a jet ski. Can you imagine? I would love to be on a jet ski right now. Oh. Could you? A pod on a jet ski? Really hard to record. Be careful. Someone might steal it. I know. Audio would be tough. Obviously. That's the fun of it. How about. I don't have a jet ski. I don't own one though. Well.

You like to jacuzzi though? I believe you've got access. I like a jacuzzi. I also think a jacuzzi could do a lot of people some good. A jacuzzi could do basically luxury. You're like, if we could get these. But a lot of those, a lot of... Water. Healing. Healing water. Yeah. I feel that. I think I feel healed by the water. Big jump in the lake. So true. You know what is so true? You know what I don't like though is when you try to jump in a body of water before it's seasonally appropriate.

Like you try to force it. Oh, I cannot stand ice baths. I don't. I would never. Hell. I would never. My showers scorching. Absolutely burning hot. I hate that when people try to push that on you. It's horrible. It's good for you? Yeah. Why? I don't. Not for me. We stayed at a house in Mexico City that had a real water problem. Like cold water? Yeah. It was like freezing. Yeah.

There wasn't enough. It wouldn't come out. There wasn't enough of it either. It wouldn't come out. It would sputter out and it'd be freezing cold. And it was already... It was in December, January. So it was already kind of cold. So you would just stand in the corner and like splash water on yourself and be like, fuck. And just like you were trying to take the quickest shower you can. You're trying to get your hair cut. It was truly... And I messaged the people because it was a very... It was a nice place. I mean, we paid for it. And I was like, hey, this is...

basically unacceptable and then they started it was too cold at night too the heating wasn't working so I was like can you guys bring extra blankets and they're like we'll try and then they didn't they brought like one extra blanket for like six rooms and then what happened is there was a like a spa around the corner that we started going to to shower to just to shower just to shower we were paying to be like we're gonna do the steam room in the shower I would love to be in that right now Virginia and I did it together we're in there naked it's it's it's meant for one really and we're just in there and I'm like so Virginia ultimately this is my nutsack and

You ever been to We Spa? No. Oh, that's like the Korean spa downtown. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I just don't know which side to go in anymore. They separate it by gender. I think it's pretty clear what side you should go in. Yes, in theory. But I don't think that... When I used to go in the male side years ago, I saw trans women in that side. So I just don't know where I stand now. Well, what side would you like to be in? The women's. Well, get over there. Let's get you in there. I'll call them up. I'll say, when Dylan comes in...

She's going on the women's side. You set her up over there. I don't want any questions asked. I just love to be in warm water. Yeah. Yeah. It is nice. I love a steam room. Conversely, hate a sauna. Oh, I hate the dryness. A dry heat? For what? Torture. Bad. Bad. But a wet heat fun. Wet heat fun. The YMCA in LA has a great steam room. You do that a lot? Not lately, but overall, I'd love to be in there. Yeah. What happens there?

Nothing you would think. I thought it was going to be potentially gay. Okay. Not equinoxy? Not equinoxy. Nothing gay going on in there. You seen anything about this aloe gym online? Huh? You seen the aloe gym? Anybody that like, it's like all these celebrities are going to the same gym now. It's weird that we haven't been invited. I'm, I would love to not be invited. That sounds, or what is it? Just a celebrity gym? It's like, I just keep seeing all these TikToks of all these people in the same Pilates class. Yeah. Not that I didn't see you in it.

We need to get you in there. I don't know. Do you do Pilates? I don't think I'd like it. Pilates? Yeah. I don't really like to move my body. Yeah. Hey, sister. I like to lay. I love being sedentary. It's one of my biggest things. Oh, bed. Motionless. I don't even do couches. Lying. Really? Yeah. This is hard. I get out of the bed to go to the couch. You know what's crazy and really sad is it makes me feel like I've done something.

If you're like, oh, now we're on the couch. When I lay in bed and go to couch, I'm like, this is a businessman's afternoon. Oh my God. Cosplay? Yeah. I get right back in bed. Really? I get up, shower, get dressed, bed. Wow. Eat my food, in bed. I get up, do nothing, no shower, coffee, couch, long as I can. You're not a morning shower person? No, I shower an hour and a half before I have to be at a thing. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Hop in there. So if I have to be somewhere at noon, 10.30. You like a bath? Absolutely not. Oh no.

Oh, no. Can't tolerate a bath. So Diane Keaton really is the only common thread. It's all we have. Do you want to try and find some other ones? Dr. Pepper, what do you think? Love. Oh, my God. Yeah. Huge. Do you eat meat? No. Okay. Do you like God? No. Well, as a person who lives in the sky and rules down negative or positive for people or as a force for love?

Because I think I have an, if you're like God is an energy in the universe that moves us towards love, I could get down with that. I think I like that definition. I can get down with that. I wouldn't, I don't know if the word God is very loaded for me, but I. Maybe not capital G, small. Little G God? Yeah. Yeah. What do you, what about the devil? How about you? Devil? Hmm.

I believe. Do you believe in the devil? I don't think I'm trying to let go of that. Yeah. That was my Catholic upbringing. I think the devil, you believe in devil. No, no devil, no hell for sure. These things I'm certain of. Okay. I can maybe, you know what? I'll, I'll go in on that with you. Yeah. Yeah. No devil, no hell. Yeah. You like quesadillas? Yeah. Sister, we're cooking with peanut oil now. Let me actually in college, I ate a lot of quesadillas because there was a, a bar chance. What was that bar called? Was it the roost?

There was a bar in our college town that would do like every day from 4 to 6 p.m. They would do $2 quesadillas and they were big. And it was, I ate that thing a lot. I don't. It was the Roos. I don't like them with too much cheese. I like a nice thin quesadilla. Well, that's because you're not doing meat. I'm doing a barbecue chicken. Oh, you got the whole works. I'm doing a steak and peppers. I'm doing a whole.

I'm in there. We have a lot. Me and you, we're not so different. We're not. And now you could probably come over. To your house? Yeah. I'd love to be invited. I know people are getting invited over there. People. It was actually done by the Trixie Mattel girl. She designed it. Really? Very cute. You could get content. That'd be the only reason. You could do characters. You could do comedy characters for TikTok in my content house. Yeah. I'll come over. I'll do content. I'll do comedy characters in your content house. It's like the Museum of fucking Ice Cream in there. Yeah. Yeah.

I've seen clips. I've seen you getting ready and I go, I can't wait for the day where, where I see a little video of you going, Hey everyone, just throw out some ideas for me to, to, to do for you on here. Hey,

Hey y'all, I'm in Dylan Mulvaney's house. Let's go. And then I come in and do comedy characters. You make a million dollars off all your comedy? I will say. Brand deals with pride campaigns in Canada? There's nothing I'm more certain of than the fact that I'm leaving money on the table. I know that to be true. I don't know what that means. Money on the table. It's like if I, I'm, I'm, there's money to be made that I'm not chasing because I'm not doing more content.

Yeah, I could make you someone. Yeah. Would you please? I'm a little tired of this. Would you please make me somebody? I would love to. Dylan, thank you so much for being on. Caleb, I had a really nice time with you. We just love you here. You just made me think about things different. Well, I'm trying to do that.

I think we should crowdsource to get you to Monaco. Yeah, get me to Monaco. I would go. I want to see what's going on over there. Do you want to tell the people where they can find you? As if they don't know. Hey, please don't find me, actually. I'm Dylan Mulvaney. That's my handle. Come see my show at The Fringe if you happen to live in Scotland. And if not, I hope we'll find each other again somewhere else. Yeah. Yeah, we love you. Thank you for being on. Love you. Oh, this was so great. Yay, Dylan. Yay.