Brittany Broski & Drew Afualo Are Minions
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Check out How I Built This, sponsored by Klaviyo, wherever you get your podcasts. And make every moment count with Klaviyo. Learn more at klaviyo.com slash BFCM. Before I answer that, I would love for you to. These costumes are going to be wet by the time we're done. Oh yeah, my DNA is all on the inside. Yeah, mine's soaked. Yeah, already. Mine is soaked. And guess what else? This candy bowl can't move. Well, girls.

Welcome back. We're rolling. How y'all been?

What are y'all's genders? Minion. Minion gender. Minion self. Minion yellow. What are the Minion genders? Do they have any at all? Stuart, Bob, and Kevin. Stuart, Bob, and Kevin. They prefer not to answer. Yeah, okay, no worries. I'll have my people call your people. That's an HR visit waiting to happen. Now, hold on. My question for y'all is, are y'all going to be doing the episode as Drew and Brittany or as Minion characters?

I mean, I think I know what Britney's answer is. I was going to be me. Yeah, okay. And Britney was planning on being a minion for sure. She absolutely was. Was it we were just going to do this and not commit? What's the fucking point? Why are we in the costume? Yeah, we're tucked right now. I'm going home. I'm going home.

If we're not going to do it right, I'm going home. We're not going to do it at all. We're not doing it right. We're not doing it at all. I'm going home. You know, I've said this on TikTok a few times. He was onto something with the minions, right? Right. Little creatures running around your house doing chores, giving you a massage. I only have three fingers. One, two, three. You know, maybe cooking like your HelloFresh meal or something. Does HelloFresh sponsor this podcast? No.

I was trying to get that. Click my link below. Click Caleb's link. Click my link below. Please click the HelloFresh link. You know what I mean? Like, there has to be some utility to the minions for real. Absolutely. For real. Yeah. What you're describing, unfortunately, is slavery. He said, I know it's illegal. That's why I made my own.

I made my own race. My own species. Created my own. I just made my own. I did it my own way real quick. He said protected under free speech. DIY. DIY real quick. Can I say something really quick? I wish you would. For the room, now that we're alone. Go ahead. There's 27 people in here. There are so many people. Like literally there's 30 people in this room. There are so many people in here. When I was earlier today, I was like thinking about like

we have plans after, we're going to go eat whatever. Chili's. You can say Chili's. You can say we're going to Chili's. Looking at you with that on, just so upsetting. I was like, I was like thinking about getting picked up, like by the car that I have. And I was like, I think we'll be fine. Because one thing about Caleb, when he's done hanging out, he's done. He'll let you know. No, when I tell you every meal we've ever had together, at one point he goes, well, I'm going to head out. I have to go to work.

I'm not kidding. The way he calls a meeting, he's like, yeah, okay, well, this is done now. Y'all make fun of me, too, because y'all texted me the other day and said, I know a Rezzy hates to see Caleb coming. I know an open table hates to see Caleb coming. If y'all say, what about dinner on Tuesday night? I say, I already got the table. Yeah, trust. Seven o'clock. Yeah, we had no reservation. We're like, well, Caleb always does it. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't even, it's like, if we're in a city that I don't know, if we're in New York, whatever, and it's like, where are we eating? I'm like, text my guy. I have no idea. Because that motherfucker is eating. He's eating. But not only that, but you know where the good spots are. I'm like, let's do Popeye's. That'll do it every time. You and me both. Yeah. Not around me, girls. Y'all are going to miss me when I'm gone because y'all don't fucking appreciate me. Y'all don't appreciate me now. But when I'm gone...

I'll celebrate. When I'm gone. When I'm gone. I dump this candy. I'll do it with the pumpkin. You're going to miss me when I'm gone. Do you know what me and Drew are talking about? That this bitch is like a cup stacking champion. Oh, yeah. Do you remember those? Speed stackers? You were good at that? Hell yeah, bitch. I had the little math at times. No. I swear to God, I was Denzel Washington in the equalizer. So you weren't getting it. I said, give me 30 seconds.

Plastic cups hate to see me coming. They hate to see my ass coming. One thing about a group of plastic cups, if I'm in the room, they're getting stabbed. And you better believe it. Why were you doing that? I don't know. Mental illness? You know, everyone has to have their thing. I saw it and I was like, I bet I could do that. And I asked for it for Christmas and I got it. You said, I'm not like other girls. I'm stacking cups. I'm doing freaky. I'm a lot weirder. She's cheer captain and I'm stacking cups.

You and the Taylor Swift video are across the window. Instead of holding up a little sign, you're just in the window. I'm ignoring his calls. Yeah. Because I'm too busy stacking cups. I can't hang out this weekend. I got cups to stack. You were dating football players. I was practicing the blade. I was honing my craft. I was honing my skill. What have y'all been up to? What's going on in your lives? Man. Can I say something really quick before I answer that? Please. I would love for you to. These costumes are going to be wet by the time we're done. Oh, yeah. My DNA is all.

on the internet. Yeah, mine's soaked. Yeah, already. Mine is soaked. And guess what else? This candy bowl can't move. For what I think are obvious reasons. Guess what else? Guess what else? Unless y'all want to see an incredibly detailed sort of marble. You know those marble statues where they used to do like silk? And people would be like, oh, incredible they're able to do that. That's what the Minion overalls are doing to my dick and balls at the moment.

To my dick. Every follicle of every pube hair, you would be able to see beautifully. Yeah. It's realism. Gorgeous. When your tuck comes undone midway through the performance, that's this. Y'all, I want to do Minions drag. Done. I should do a number. You should. You absolutely should. You think? But it's to the... Walk a mile in these little... Hey. They don't wear this shit. Would y'all fuck me in this?

I will if they open like that flap on your butt like long johns. You're going to bend me over? Oh, I'm sorry. Are you not gay? Oh. Sorry. Based off that statue, I'd say otherwise. Do we have HR? The minions don't. It would be an honor to be by either of you. I would take it from either of you at any given time. I bet you would. I would. Nose goes not it. I really would.

Brittany, if I ask you to fuck me on my Christian show. If there's a fee and my lawyer can redline an agreement, then maybe. Your lawyer can redline an agreement. No worries. I'll show you a redline. I'll show you a redline. Just move that popcorn bucket. What does that mean? We'll take a good look at a redline. We'll see what's behind here. Let's take a peek. Hey, I got some spooky topics for you guys. Okay. What horror movie would you survive in? That's a great question.

Let me think. Honestly, honestly, I think, and I'm being so dead ass, I think Saw. You would?

You know why? Because I don't let men tell me what to do ever, but especially not a fucking puppet. Period. Don't piss me off. On a tricycle, by the way. Right. Bring your little wooden ass in here and I'll show you a fucking game. You want to play a game with me? I would win Saw because the rules are simple. He goes, chop off your arm or I'm going to kill you. Guess whose arm is getting chopped off? I'm a rule follower. You are a rule follower. I'll do it. I'll literally tell Jigsaw to his wooden ass face.

That's a very presumptuous take to assume I still want to be here. Right. You know what I'm saying? Kill me then. Yeah, kill me. Free me. I feel like you, with Jigsaw, you would break him. Yeah, easily. The whole point is like, I'm doing a fucking thing, or I'm gonna... I don't know what he does on the tricycle. You would psychologically melt him. Yeah, I'm like, no, I don't want to. You're taking down Jigsaw day one. He lets me out because I'm just that annoying. Turn my speaker on. She doesn't fucking listen. Get out.

And bring a different bitch. He's behind the camera with his friends. Bro! Come on! This bitch is annoying as fuck! I'm not listening! No, I swear to God, I'm just going to make the contraption. I'm doing it. I'm doing it now. I'm not even going to give her the 24 hours. And then you cut to the camera and I'm doing that Fortnite dance. I'm taking everything they love slowly, one by one. True, you adjusting. You adjusting. No! Save me! You're indecent.

You adjusting your goggles the entire time is ascending me over here. Well, it's my thinking cap, so when I put it on, I'm really thinking hard. What about you? I'm dripping down my back so intensely right now. Can you repeat the question for me, Senator? Of course you should. What and where did your gloves go? Got hot. She's getting overstimulated. Brittany, top of the episode, are we committing or not?

pretty halfway through in a t-shirt and jeans just posted me in a muumuu like this so what was the question again what was the damn question what horror movie would you survive in hun what horror movie yes you know initially my mind sort of and i don't back this up but i'm gonna follow through with the thought is what was that one where the kid was living in the walls oh the boy the boy what is this but i'm the boy

You've always been the boy. You're always the boy in my world, man. You're my boy. You're my boy. The boy, it's... Yeah, no, I'm good over here. I'm cool. Don't worry about me. No worries, fam. Yeah, that one is like, they hire a babysitter to come babysit this fuck-ass puppet that's like a mannequin. And the family is like, yeah, that's the doll. And it moves, okay? No.

Because at first you think like, oh, the parents are repositioning it. Or it's like, we don't know what's going on. Oh, it's a ghost. And it has instructions you have to follow. Every night he likes dinner at this time. You have to put a show on at this time. It's a fucking puppet. At the end of the movie, you realize there is a grown ass man child living in the walls of this home. And he's like watching through it. Yeah. Watching her, like wants to fuck her, has a blow up doll in his little room. His parents...

It's a whole thing. I'd be the boy. Yes, you would. And you're the nanny. And you're the nanny. Number one thing I'm not doing if I get a job request that says, come babysit this mannequin or this doll. I'm saying, no. Well, they wrote it as if it was like their son. And then they're like, this is him. And it's a doll. I hate that. And she's like,

People are fucked up. You can't trust anybody no more. She's like, I'm not reading the doll a story. Like, as soon as I see the instructions, I'm like, I'm not doing that shit. Oh, she was like that? Yeah. Okay, so she's real as fuck. At first she was doing it, and then she was like, this doll is like a doll. Yeah. I don't think it'll know if I don't. Maybe I'm Dylan Mulvaney. A doll.

A doll. This doll is a doll. This doll is a doll. Me when I'm Dylan. Shout out Dylan. We love Dylan. Shout out to all the dolls. Yeah, all the dolls. For real. And Caleb here in nation. Unless you're in the boy. For real, unless you're in the boy. What's your answer? What horror movie would I survive? Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You're not going to kill me with a chainsaw. Why is that? Because he walks slow as fuck. Also, right now, try to pretend to cut me with a chainsaw. What?

And boom, I lived. And boom, I lived. If he comes at me with a chainsaw, I'm gonna do this. And boom, I lived. The boy who lived. I'm the boy. Who lived. You're the doll who lived. I'm the doll who lived. You're going on tea, Harry. Instead of having the forehead scar, he has the top surgery scars.

You're a doll, Harry! You're a doll, Harry! The name that should not be named is his dead name. That's literally how I feel about the movie Scream. Wait, is Harry Potter a trans allegory?

Perhaps. Oh, probably not, right? Probably. Well, I would assume not. Yeah, I would assume not. Just based on it. Brittany said, perhaps. Perhaps. And then I realized the joke. Yeah. Yeah, I'm there. I'm here. I'm here. What about the movie Scream? I said I feel that way about the movie Scream. Yeah. The same way you do. Yeah, because that's one of your fuck-ass friends. Yeah, that's just your homeboy. I'll beat the shit out of my friend. I don't give a fuck. Oh, okay.

And it's gonna happen if you keep making jokes without me. That's a promise. Beautiful, beautiful.

Beautiful. We're literally going on a trip together in like three days. We sure are. I know, that's damn right. How y'all feeling about the trip? What are the vibes gonna be? I was thinking the movie Spring Breakers starring James Franco with box braids. Can I be him? God damn it, Brittany. God damn it. Can I be white guy with dreads, please? Well, we are going to Mexico and white people love to do that in Mexico. That's true. Maybe, Caleb, you and I...

And then I had a stroke. I'm like, oh my god, sorry. I'm so sorry. The eyeball is leaving an indent on your face. That I'm loving, queen. You love it. You want to do some white people misbehaving while we're in Mexico?

Yeah, I was going to say we should all get cornrows with the little beads in them. I would love that. Yeah. Do y'all remember when girls would come back from like a trip over summer and be like, what'd you do to your hair? And they'd be like, do you like it? I was in Jamaica. Oh, yeah, we got it. Yeah. We saw the Facebook album. Yeah, I'm locked into that. I'm locked in, queen. Yeah, we're going to do Mexico. We're doing Cancun. And I, here's my goal. Here's my intention for the trip. Thank you. All right, let's hear it.

fuck off fucking off at the pool we're fucking off at the bar we're fucking off when we all sleep in the same bed okay um yeah that's one thing that drew didn't say is that we're all sharing a hotel room yeah i kind of assumed that but can i ask you guys something i'll just like off the record low-key sure billy keeps texting me and saying that he and i should just share a bed yeah yeah is that normal yeah well i mean we are we are looking for a third

We're auditioning a third. Auditioning a third minion. I would do anything. Please, please. I do think I'd be good at being someone's third. Do you think? No. Can I tell you something funny? Yeah. When I was on tour this summer, we would read stories from the crowd, and there was one in Florida where this girl said she was hooking up with this guy, and...

he suggests well a different girl suggested they have a threesome and so she was like okay period and they go in the room and she sat in the corner while the two of them did it queen and she just sat there and like waited for them I was like were you waiting like to get tagged in like WWE tag me in tag me in and

And then she literally said she sat there and then after, Jason was like, and did they say they were tired after? And she goes, yeah. And they said, oh, I'm kind of beat, so. I'm going to get out of here. And I said, and did you go, oh, it's actually no worries. I'm so glad. I'm so glad nobody. Yeah. And she was like, so we laughed about it.

I still laugh about it now thinking about it. You cucked out, queen. Yeah. I'm in the cuck chair. Yeah, you got in the cuck chair, queen. I'm suggesting a threesome and then putting myself in the cuck chair. Yeah. Have y'all ever had a threesome? No. No. I've been invited to one many times. Don't do it because someone always ends up the admin. That's what I'm saying. I'm sorry.

I have been the admin and I have seen the admin. I've seen someone else become the admin. And there's no dignity. Well, it's just shameful. They're like, they're starting to like grab feet and shit. It's like, they're just off to the side trying to throw a finger in wherever it fits. Trying to be helpful. It's like me and this guy kind of got something going. You need to maybe just grab a break. Logistical coordinator. Grab a breather. There's like those football player green water bottles in the corner.

Get you some water, brother. Craft service table. Hit the showers. Take five for me. Go get a kind bar. We're going to keep doing our thing over here, Pip. You're eating those fucking, you know those little goo things people drink when they run marathons? Go get me one of those. Tag in. Tag in. Go get me a goo, bitch. A chomp protein. Yeah, give me one of those Stroop waffles that have a lot of sugars in them. Grab me a jalapeno chomp and a goo. I love chomps. I love chomps.

the meat sticks on your chomps. Dude, I fuck with the chomps bad. I love a chomp. I will have 17 chomps in a row and be like, not me on a diet. Something about chomps makes me feel healthy. And hit my protein goal for the day. I'm watching my protein. I got my protein goal for the day. I'm actually healthy as fuck right now. I had, what, I have 25 chomps today? That's

encased in meat. I love those goddamn things. That is not meat. It's not meat. That is not meat. Can't be meat. That is protein paste. I love it. Formed into a stick. Yeah. I will eat the hell... You know what? This is probably the most country thing about me. Every year during deer season, I call my mom and I say, I don't care what it takes. I don't care what old friends you have to rustle up. Go get me some deer salami. Yep. Some venison. And she does. You lost me at deer season. That's too white for me. Baby. Peace and love though. Hey. That's fair. First of all, all my respect to you, but deer salami...

Slom. It hits. Slaps. You know, a lot of, this is so not interesting, but I feel the need to tell you because we're talking about it. Right. You know, a lot of, obviously. Chance, will you make a note? We're going to cut this part. Earmark this part. Add. Insert add. I go, oh my God, Queen, we can't wait to hear it.

What's up guys it's me Caleb. I have two things if you live in Missouri or nearby maybe. Abortion is on the ballot in Missouri. Vote yes on three. I had to check to make sure I got it right because I don't want to be saying the wrong thing. Vote yes on three to support abortion rights in Missouri. Please please please go vote on that if you are voting in Missouri. I voted early. It was really really easy. Go get that done. Also Kansas City November 23rd

in Kansas City, Waxahachie and I are co-hosting a bunch of our friends, comedians and musicians at the Midland. We are doing a benefit show called Yeehaw to benefit the Tenants Union. Tara's episode is out and she talked a bunch about the Tenant Union. But please, please, please, if you live in Kansas City or nearby Omaha, come on down. Chicago, come on down. November 23rd at the Midland, we're doing a show to benefit the Tenant Union that we're so excited about. Me, Waxahachie, a bunch of other fun people that we'll announce later.

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Yes, queen, go off. Well, essentially, when you eat venison sausage, it's not lean enough. So you got to add some pork into it. Usually when you eat deer sausage, it's got pig in it too, which a lot of people, they don't know that. They don't know that. But you got to cut it for the emulsion purposes. The thing about sausage is the fat to meat ratio for the emulsion. And then, of course, the casing has to provide the proper snap, Drew.

Sausage heads know what the fuck I'm talking about. Me going, me going. Drew goes, hey Chance. Well you guys don't need me for this part. I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick. Back to threesomes. I do want to circle back to threesomes. I was like,

well, this is like most of my relationship where I, Billy like sits and listens to me talk about shit that doesn't matter for like 40 minutes. Like sausage casing. Like sausage casing. I'm talking shit, but it's because I'm not the one yapping, so I'm getting jealous. Can I just say, by the way, the number of times I've gotten a phone call from Drew, we're talking casually for 45 minutes and then she just goes, sorry, I'm in the car with Billy. He's been sitting there and I don't mind, but I'm like, this poor guy.

He don't care. He don't care. And he laughs. He's chilling. He's a chauffeur. Yeah, easily. His own private podcast. Obviously. You could be so lucky. I watched a Law & Order SVU episode about a couple that love to have threesomes. Anyways, don't want to spoil the ending for you, but I am going to. Essentially, they get caught for being awful. Okay. And we were talking about threesomes and how they had them all the time. And I was telling him, first of all, fuck a threesome because I'm the star in my show. I don't need any supporting acts. Appreciate you, though.

But then I was thinking, what if I was in the threesome and I just like I was convinced it was like WWE like rehearsal. So I'm like, OK, yeah, no, let's do it. And then I'm talking to the judge and this is me literally workshopping bits with Billie. Like she doesn't give a fuck. Like, Your Honor, to be fair.

they did not say what kind of play we were doing. Right. Like, I'm thinking, like, I come in off the top rope and all of a sudden I'm doing too much during the three, so. By God, that's true for all his music. By God, he's got a family. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Don't do it, Drew. Don't do it. You install one of those ropes to balance. That's what I'm saying. Like, I don't know how much y'all know about WWE. What? But you know Rikishi. Oh, yeah. Do you know Rikishi? Minimal. He's a big Samoan dude. Okay. And his whole thing, I'm not kidding, his famous move was putting his big fat ass on people. I'm not kidding. Okay.

And he follows me on Instagram, by the way. Love you, Rikishi. Shout out, Rikishi. Shouts out, Rikishi. Shouts out, for real. Shouts out, Rikishi. Now, you could have never known when you brought Rikishi up how much trauma is in that whole thing for me. Really? Because growing up, everyone loved the WWE and Rikishi was big back then. And any time we played WWE, guess who the fuck I had to be? And they would, you know, someone would play the announcer and they'd be like, Rikishi's about to do his signature move! And I'd be like...

Maybe that's the... He sits and then rubs. You have to smother them with your ass. He rubs. He rubs is crazy. He puts him in the fucking corner and then goes like this. And then puts his ass up in their face. I'm not kidding. Yeah. I wanted to be Stone Cold Steve Austin. You wanted to... Oh, not John Cena, so Rikishi. Yeah. Every time I said, can I be Stone Cold Steve Austin? They said, we're thinking Rikishi for you. We actually already cast you. They said, silence, Rikishi.

That role's actually taken. They said, yeah, we're going to let someone cool be that. Rikishi, you can do the butt thing. If you please. Yeah, he puts his big fat ass rubs just hard as fuck. That's all he does. That is truly the best move. Because it's shock, horror, and then realization of what's just happened to you. Yeah, after their faces after, it's the best. That's me in a threesome. You want to see what it looks like? Me in a threesome? Rikishi doing his butt move. Rikishi doing his butt move. You're Rikishi. Yeah.

Well, we have a similar build. Oh, perfect. That's my brother. That's my kin, by the way. Shouts out, Rikishi. Rikishi's literally fam. That's fam. That's literally fam, yeah. That's literally Ohana, Rikishi. I love him. Yeah, they always have to sell it, too, after Rikishi does the butt thing. Like, the guys that just got their, an ashram doll in the face, they have to go, huh? It's awesome. No, don't do it again!

Oh, not private bits. I can't say the name. Not private bits. Basically, we have both shared an experience with someone who stank really bad. Okay, Caleb, let me just paint this picture for you, okay? Yeah. This is, he's a very well-to-do, you know, just white guy in social media, okay? Drew had told me previously, there's a young gentleman that stinks. And I was like, stinks how? Like, B.O. or what? She was like, no, just stinks. Stinks.

There isn't a word to describe it. I had the misfortune of coming across him and Drew was in the room with me and I smelled him and I literally went over to her and I said, you weren't fucking joking. Like, it was shocking. And then I was trying to describe

to Dazen what it smells like. You know what I mean? Because it's not BO. It's something more sinister and something more sour. It's from the inside out. Yes. There's something medical going on there. And it smells like ass. I said, you know like when you wipe your butt with a butt wipe. Okay? Yeah.

throw it in the trash. Yeah. You don't flush it. Right. And then it kind of sits there and it wafts up every now and then like maybe when the AC hits it. Right. That's what he smelled like. You know when you wipe and you're like I gotta get in the shower. That's

That times a million. You do that third wipe and there's still too much coming off. You're like, uh-oh. I gotta go hose off. I should be seeing more white after a third wipe. It's not supposed to get worse as time goes on. You're like, I've been wiping for 20 minutes. How is there more shit than what I started with? Am I, unbeknownst to me, shitting while I wipe? How is it so dark on this toilet paper?

Wait, we'll bleep the name, but I'm going to say who I think it is. Okay. No. Sorry, because I know he smells fucking crazy. No.

I guarantee it, bitch. Is he hot, the guy? Yeah, some people would think. I mean, I'm assuming. Some people would agree. Yeah, some people would, but I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't either. And it smelled so bad, I literally was like, he needs his anal glands expressed. Actually, you know what? Bend over. I'm going to do it here because I can't take it anymore. I'll take one of these, put it right up there. It makes that elastic sound. Yeah.

I'm gonna keep talking about his eating habits. Have you been feeding him wet food? And I'm gonna stick it up there and I'm gonna go to town. I'm gonna start rooting around until I find the solution. Yeah, I'm checking in. I'm clocking in, actually. He needs to be hospitalized. He needs to be hospitalized. You wanna know something funny? It's so bad that I'm not kidding, this is the third podcast I've talked about. I feel so personally attacked by it at this point. And get this, he has a girlfriend.

Oh, God bless her. They always do. Yeah. They always do. It's till the room stinks, but he's just in there naked. But nothing's happened. Nothing's happened. God, don't catch him on a hot day. No, I'm serious. Dude, I can smell you through a three-piece suit. There's something wrong. You need to go to the hospital. Ick.

Ick. Ick, but like in a clinical way. But it's worse. It's worse than an ick. I don't know what it is. I want to smell him. And for his sake and his sake alone, I hope he never talks shit on me. Because if he does... We're pulling up all the clips. Girl, do I have a gang of fucking jokes for you, you stinky bitch. You know what I'm saying?

I'm going to town, bitch. I hope for his sake he never, never turns on me. You better hope. I've been working on a tight fire for this whole moment. I swear to God, I have at least, at least 10 in my head already. It's bad. Dude, the one thing about gay guys. Just say it. Here I go. Tell them, queen. They will stink. And they will stink. And I'm like, do you know how bad you smell? Like, I have hooked up with a guy before who smelled pretty good the whole night. Okay. And then we got back, the clothes came off, and I was like, brother. Oh.

What is that? Bruh. It's...

What you said. It's like a baked potato when you open the foil. And it's like, wafts up. The encasing just lets it all out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you smell like a chomps, but there are no chomps in here. I feel personally attacked and insulted. Don't come into my bedroom smelling like a sausage. Don't smell like deer salami in here. Don't you fucking dare. I'm gonna be pissed. Don't knock it till you try it. But can I ask you a question? Say it. When...

Like on a percentage scale, would you say amount of gay guys that genuinely smell very bad? Because in my experience, gay men smell great. Yeah. But I'm not under the clothes. I'm not under the socks. You're not getting under the hood. I'm not under the hood. Yeah.

I would say most often it's gay men that I don't know. It's gay men at the club. It's gay men at the bar. Yeah. That stink. And a lot of them are into it. There is a sect of gay men that are into like... A musk stink play? Yeah, truly. Scat play at that point. Truly. Shit. Poopoo play. Poopoo play. Stinky butt play. I don't know. Poopoo platter. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Stinky butt play. Icky butt play. Poopoo play.

fuck it. You want to come back to my place and do some icky butt play? You got a stinky butt? Come on. Come on over. You, me, some wine, stinky butt play. It's can you host and do you have a stinky butt? Hey, what do you say? You, me, some white sheets I'm going to have to throw out tomorrow. A bottle of bleed. Stinky butt play at my place. Bottle of bleed!

I feel like that's just men in general, too. Straight men are no better. Oftentimes, they're worse. Like, on tour, when we... I had, in every city, 25 dates, by the way. Every single one, at least 10 of men having shit in their ass. What? Yeah. What are you talking about? Like, horrifying stories of, like, hooking up and finding out that they had shit in their ass. How are you finding out? Are you getting in there? I would assume you can smell it. One girl said that he...

She scooted off her bed and left a skitty on the sheet. I'm dead ass. And I'm dead serious. And then get this even worse. She goes, she literally goes, but it's okay. We're married now. I've taught him better. And you bet your fucking ass we opened the show with that one. That was actually the day I found out I was a bestseller. And I was like, oh yeah, queen. I said, oh, so that's a man that's still in your life.

Why? Hey, all love to you and your stinky husband. That's insane. Whatever makes the world go round. I love that for them. Men with shit in their ass. One girl, she was describing something and then she was talking about him.

And she was someone, the man she hooked up with was someone, and obviously I'm someone. And then I was like clarifying what she was saying on stage. She goes, no, yeah, exactly, exactly. I go, don't find community with me, bitch. Hold on. You are alone in that. Hold on. Stand alone, queen. I said, don't you look over here like I know what you're talking about. I don't. You're on an island. Stay there. No, no, no. You are being shamed publicly. Be quiet while I shame you. You're on trial. Yeah.

I'm not your friend. Active trial. I'm judge, jury, and executioner. And you're about to have a bad night. And your husband's guilty of stinky butt syndrome. Yeah. He's got icky butt. We're killing him.

It's his last day on earth. A skitty on your sheets, girl. If a man left a fucking skid mark on my bed, I'd fuck myself. You get to go home. I have to clean it. I'm blowing up the house with both of us in it. So no one's going home tonight. No, you're not leaving this house alive. And neither am I. None of us are. Everyone gotta die if there's shit on my sheets. Oh my god! Can you fucking imagine? Y'all believe in ghosts?

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't your mom a ghost hunter? Yeah. Yeah. You come from a lineage of them, girl. Hold on. Is your mom a ghost hunter? Yeah. That's her family business. Y'all don't tell me anything. She was going to take over the family business, but then this happened. Yeah. But, you know, things took a more serious turn. Duty calls. I had to clock in. But then I got drafted. Yeah. And now I serve.

I'm one of God's silly soldiers. Yeah. Have you ever been ghost hunting with her? I have. I have been on an expedition. And actually, if you want a real ghost story, I can give you one. We do. Let's hear it. So I went with my mother. I'll tell you too. I went with my mom on an expedition.

expedition in Montgomery County, Texas. And it's this woman's, it's an old town spring, which is like the story of spring is they took a bunch of houses from Houston and drove them to spring. So they're all like mismatched. They're not originally from there. Different like

Whatever, you know what I'm trying to say. Different periods. And so we go into this one store that's, of course, this crazy old batshit lady. It's like she makes her own perfume, pheromone perfume and crystals and all that shit. There's like cats around the whole thing. And we go in there and I think her name is Tammy. And she's like, Heather, my mom's name.

Heather, I hear things. I hear things. Stuff moves. I'll lock up one day, come in the next morning. I'm the only one with a key and things have been moved around. I look at the security footage. No one's touching it. Like it's moving on its own. Doors shut, faucets turn on, but it doesn't feel malevolent. You know what I mean? It feels like something, it's like a playful energy. And I was like, playful energy. And my mom's like, let's go check it out. Shows like a job for me.

me. Duty calls. Yeah, duty calls. And so she brings me. She's like, do you want to come? I was like, you know what? Fuck it, let's go. I go with her. We pull up. We start asking all the questions of like

When do you hear it? Is there a certain time of night? Is there a feeling? Is there a smell associated? Because that's a thing, too, of like sometimes if it's a residual haunting, you'll get remnants of like smoke or like cigarette smoke or cigar smoke or a lady's perfume. Stinky butt. And so she was like, yeah, sometimes I do. And so everyone leaves and we're in this back room where she was like the most activity happens in this back room. And we sit there and the technology...

uses and that the ghost hunting community uses. You know an Xbox? Xbox Connect? It's that footage. It's like a

A device that is electromagnetic energy. Okay. To track your body. You know, like when you're dancing and just dance, it makes a little stick figure of you based on the electromagnetic or heat radiation. I don't know. And so she uses this and sets it up in the room as like a genuine ghost hunting thing. Yeah. And of course, we're going to get our evidence off of this. Naturally.

So she sets it up and we're all quiet. And she's got, you know, her EMF detector, which is electromagnetic frequency. And you can talk to things and it'll, it sounds like a radiation detector. And then there's divining rods, which if you know, you probably know this from farming, divining rods will cross because they're made of copper when you go over water. And it's what farmers used to use to locate underground water sources. Yeah.

They use, the ghost hunting community uses divining rods to try to connect and talk to spirit. So they'll hold them and they're very loose on top. And you ask it a question. You're like, you know, if you died in this house, cross the wires and then it'll do it sometimes. And then it'll say, my mom will be like, thank you. Can you uncross them? And then it'll fucking do it. No, just so I can step in real quick. She's holding them in both hands. What's stopping her from doing this?

Well, 100%, right? Okay, no worries. I'm just asking questions. You're asking all the right questions. I'm doing my own research. And she would say, you know, that's good, Caleb. You're a skeptic. I love her. Yeah, if she was sitting right there, she'd say, it's good, you're inquisitive. Yeah. Because I was like, you know, she's white knuckling these things. And I'm like, literally one turn of your wrist in and they're crossing. She claims that she'll hold it steady. And she has. She's held it on her knees before and it's crossed. And it's freaked me out.

So she's got those, she's got the EMF detector, and she's got this fucking Xbox Kinect. Well, we're in the room. Not the ghost is a gamer. And gamer girl ghost. Yeah. Dance Central. Yeah. Dead 1890. Who loves Xbox. Gamer doll. Gamer doll. Gamer doll ghost. So we're in this back room. It's me, my mom, one other person, and then the owner of the shop. And she starts. All the lights are off. The AC's off. Whatever. We're in this back room, and she goes, if there's someone here...

Can you say hi? Can you tell us, you know, where you are? And it's quiet for a second. And then she asks again, are you there? I can feel you. And then the EMF detector. And then it goes back down. And I said, don't fuck with me. Are you serious? And then she does it again. Are you a girl? And it goes back down. And then she'll ask, are you a boy? No answer.

And so I'm like, okay, okay. Then after a while, she starts asking specific questions. Are you eight years old? Are you nine years old? Are you 10? Are you 11? Quiet. You know, whatever. Then after probably about 15 minutes of this, where she thinks she's talking to it. And I'm honestly like, what the fuck? Why is it reacting like that? Because all the stimuli is quiet in the room.

a little figure pops up on the fucking Xbox Kinect screen. No, ma'am. And it's sitting up on something like that. Like, let's say it's up there. Like on a ledge? Like on a ledge. She had these big, like, wardrobes that she would keep her perfume vials in. And it was sitting up on the fucking wardrobe like this. No. Like, it had the two arms and then the two legs looked like they were crossed up there. It literally, it was smoking a cigarette. It's serving. It's serving. Hey, girls. It starts voguing. I'm like, what the fuck?

Oh, she's a doll. Oh, she's a doll. And she was like, is that you? And then it sort of moves a little. And she goes, are you a girl that's 10 years old? Did you die in this house? And then it starts moving kind of frantically. And then the AMF detector is going and then it all shuts off. And I'm like, mom, are you fucking doing that? Like, are you serious? And she was like, what could I be doing? She's like, I'm sitting here right next to you.

And then she has this thing where she's like, when they move. So it jumped down off the wardrobe, came across. No, go ahead. Get your snack. And then it came across her lap and it's a cold breeze. Like when a spirit and she can feel it. And that shit freaks me out. Cause I'm like, I can't explain it. She turned the AC off. No windows are open. So if there's something moving where you can feel it and then it pops up over there across the screen on the kinetic, do you need help? Sorry. I thought it was going to be a quiet private endeavor. You,

You keep going, hun. Get to it, queen. Can we get you some more? Hey, put this in 2X. Speak this part out. Can we put it in 4X? Believe in the part about the rods. That's important. Please don't forget the rods. Can we get Drew in the edit? Drew in the Minions costume.

Anyway. Anyway, so that was that night as we established it's a young girl that was around nine or ten when she passed. She is in this back room.

come to find out my mom does some like cross minion hand cross, like examination of what we experienced in that room, the information she collected from asking questions and then historical records of Montgomery County in that time period. Ooh, something, there was a match, a little girl, um, was playing with, I think her brother or something and tripped on a rock and hit her head and like bled out in this little garden right by that back room. Uh,

probably like 70, 80 years ago. And that's the girl she was talking to. That's fucking scary. There are certain things where I'm like, what the fuck, mom? There was another time we were in, you really finished that quick. Well, damn. You're not going to think I gave it the Gluck Gluck 9000. It just came off like that. You just got really acidic spit. Saliva. Yeah, my shit's toxic. Yeah. That's really scary. It is. And so I've seen things like that.

It's like, I don't know if I truly believe, but it's like, well, I can't explain that away. We were in New Orleans a different time. This is the last ghost story I'll tell. We were in New Orleans a different time, and I was with my mother and my grandmother. And we were in the oldest operating restaurant in America, I think. It's from the Civil War. It's from like the 1850s, and it's got original flooring and original walls and the original bar. And we walk in, we're like, ah!

we're the only people in here because it's about 3.30 p.m. No one's eating lunch. No one's eating dinner. We sit down. We're the only people in the dining room and it's quiet. My mom goes, there is someone over my left shoulder. And I said, don't fucking do that. Not now, boo. Do not do this here. Your mom's the Long Island medium. Teresa Caputo. You ever heard of it? Yeah. Better believe.

And so she's like, there's someone over my left shoulder. And I said, we're not doing this here. She said, no, I'm serious. There's someone over my left shoulder and he's standing there and it's a benevolent presence. And he's like standing like this with his arm. And I was like, what? And then after a while she was like, he's still there. He's still there. He's not going away. She brings the waitress over and she's like, I don't know any reports of hauntings in this room. And the girl's like, oh yeah, there's like a waiter who haunts this room. And my mom was like, that was funny.

Did you fucking get that? Did you fucking get that? I'm going, hey, bitch. You hear what she said? Yeah. Clock it. And part of me was like, sure, there's a waiter haunting this room because waiters were always in this room. You know what I mean? Your mom goes. Tea, tea, tea. I felt it. I felt it. I knew it. I knew it. I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it. She's like, yes. Fuck.

Fucking knew it. But yeah, so that was a weird one where she pulled the waitress over and the waitress was like, yeah, it's an older black gentleman who haunts us because it's from the fucking 1850s. And so up until they closed it and then reopened it, there were slave quarters upstairs. And so she was like, yeah, it's a young gentleman who haunts this room. And my mom was like, I fucking doubt it.

If I was a black guy from the 1850s and I died in a restaurant, the one thing a white person would never have is a peaceful meal. Yeah, amen. I guarantee. And the church said amen. I guarantee. Oh, I'm coming back. Don't you worry. Those appetizers are going to be uncomfortable. Literally.

Least I can do. Least I can do is stand around the table. And it's him just standing over you going. Yeah. Enjoying the meal. Yeah. I will haunt every single person who ever walked in there. That's a good point. Amen. So those are my two ghost stories. And she still does expeditions. She does like abandoned hospitals and shit like that in Houston. And she loves it. I love her. Yeah. I believe in ghosts for sure. Do you? Yeah. Do you have any experiences with the paranormal?

Not personally, but because I'm indigenous, we believe in stuff like that very heavily. Well, we believe in let spirits come back and they like, sometimes they come back for bad reasons. Sometimes they come back for good reasons. I think it's just like,

But I just, I'm someone that, like, because I have so much melanin in me, I don't fuck with the afterlife. So every time they're like, let's do a Ouija board, I'm going the fuck home. Like, I'm not doing that. Once you open it, you can't close it. But, like, people, like, I just don't fuck with them. Like, I feel like about ghosts the way I feel about the sea.

None of my business. Don't need to know. Don't need to know. Don't want to know. Sending peace, love, and unity, though. You don't have the security clearance for that. No, I don't. And I don't need it. Don't give it to me. I don't want it. I have a scary story. Do you? Not about ghosts, though. It's about what's behind that popcorn bucket. I got a scary story.

Hold on. Blur that. No, I have a scary story. Okay. Okay, let's hear it. Why are you teasing us? But, you know, with ghosts, it's almost less scary than real people because real people can hurt you worse. Okay. Picture this. Me not wanting to listen. Dig this. Me immediately tuning out. Hold on, girls. Can we take a break? Dig this. Picture it. I'm 15 years old. Okay? Poor. We live.

That's it. Don't I fucking know it. I'm 15 years old. Scary. A thundercrack. I'm 15 years old. My mom is working nights at the women's prison. Thank you. Thank you. And so we had moved. We had moved just out of my hometown. We had moved like we moved all the time and God knows why. But we moved out to this little trailer that was in the country outside of my hometown. And I didn't want to move out there in the first place because there's nothing to do and I don't fuck with it.

And we moved out there, and it was like you were so far out there, like probably 15 minutes outside town. And then to get to my house, you went down a long gravel road, and then you went up a driveway that was lined by trees. And then there was a little opening in the trees, but they surrounded it. And then there was like a double-wide that we lived in. Double-wide in an opening of trees. And then there's like a, you know those big gas tanks that sit in the yard? Yeah. Like a big propane, like a big gas tank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just one of those. And then there's like the parking lot.

So, my mom's working overnights. Okay? I haven't stayed out there alone in that house yet. We've been there maybe like a month, two months. That's spooky as fuck. It's spooky. And we don't know, I don't know who lived there before us or anything like that, but I had always had an uneasy feeling out there, and any time my mom had worked overnight, up until then I'd had a friend stay over or something, but this night I just didn't have anybody, so I had to stay there alone. I had just gotten off my job at the Applebee's. So I have finished at the Applebee's where I was, a neighborhood expert. What?

I have returned to the double wide. I'm in the home. I'm going to make myself, I didn't want to have my shift meal because my manager Joram was, his real name was getting on my last nerve. Quite frankly. I didn't want to have my shift meal. I said, Joram, it's fuck you forever. Yeah.

I'm heading back to the double wide. I went back to the double wide and I had some frozen Tyson any Tizers. Hey, yeah. Tyson any Tizers. Give it up. Y'all are fucking it up. Y'all are fucking it up. So I went back to the double wide.

I'm in there. I put some anitizers on a baking sheet and I'm feeling uneasy. I feel like I'm like, there's something creepy about this night. I got like a movie on in the living room. And mind you, the living room is where the table is. The kitchen is where I am. Right. So it's the place is small. And I put the anitizers into the oven. I put it on 350 and I'm just like kind of standing there. I'm like, I may as well do these dishes real quick because I'm just like standing here. You know, I'm doing some dishes and there's a window in front of me.

And I'm doing the dishes and I just keep feeling like I'm being watched. And I'm like, there is something weird going on right now. And then... You got one. You got one. Caleb scared one of the 30 people in this room. One victim claim. One's all I need. It proves to me that the energy is in the room. So my anitizers are in the oven. Fucking hate you. I'm doing dishes. Hold on, girls.

Land the plane. I'm doing the plane. You take a chance. No, I'm on the edge of my seat. I want to hear. I'm in the double wide. Any tizers are in the oven. I'm 15, mind you. Mind you, I'm 15. Yeah, be that as it may. Mind you, I'm a neighborhood expert. Right? So I should, of all people, should be armed and safe. Yeah, right. But I am not. I'm in the double wide. I'm doing the dishes. And there's a window in front of the sink. Mm-hmm.

So I'm doing the dishes and this is a completely 100% true story. I'm doing the dishes and I'm feeling like I'm being watched. My mom's not coming home until 5, 6 a.m. Right. So I'm doing the dishes and I look out the window and I just I keep feeling this feeling of like, man, someone else is here. And I look by the big standalone gas tank in the yard and right behind it is someone staring at me.

A real human being staring at me directly in the eyes. A face I don't recognize. I know everyone who lives around me. And you can see the person clearly? We are locked in eye contact. Oh my god. I am standing in the kitchen. We are locked in eye contact.

And I'm looking directly at him. And he's looking at me. I've never seen him before. No. He had kind of long hair and a little bit of a beard. And he looked, well, say it with me, scary as fuck. Yeah. Not just by the circumstances, but also because, mind you, I'm 15. Right. Yeah. So I literally drop to the floor, crawl to the door, lock it. And I am laying on the floor hyperventilating because I'm like, this guy is going to kill me. I get the phone out. And I call the police, who I love. And...

Historically speaking. Who do not wrong. I call the police who do not wrong. Who can't do wrong. And I said, now I'm 15. I'm in the double wide. The anitizers are in the oven. Burning. Burning. Burning. I say, bring some with you when you come. And also bring a gun. Because you guys might get to do one of your favorite things today. Your night's really turning around. I say, good news, boys. We got one.

And I'm cool with this one. Yeah, I said, hey, go nuts. He's white and in my yard. Have a day. Make a moment. Hey, boys, light him up. You're kidding, kid. I said, fire that lid. So I call my friends down at the station, and I say, boys.

I said, there's someone in my yard staring in my eyes through my window. Please get out here. And they go, okay, it's going to be a minute, but stay on the phone with us. And so I stay on the phone. They're like, what are you doing? I'm like freaking out on the floor. So it takes about 10 minutes for them to get out there. And they pull up and it's sirens, sirens. And I see the sirens through the window, but I don't want to step outside because I'm like, you know what happens in a horror movie is you run outside thinking you're safe. You're talking to the cop and he's like, calm down, calm down. Arrow through his head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something crazy like that, you know? Then all of a sudden it's you and the killer outside. Yeah. So I'm staying in the house until there's some exploration done by the police officers. Mm-hmm. Now, go ahead and belch for me. Thank you. I tried to avoid the mic, but what happens happens. No worries. Um, chance. And...

I'm hating this on your neck, by the way. Chance has got the grunos around his neck. He's gone casual Fridays at work. Holy shit. The way it's horrifying. Chance, Chance,

Chance, by the way, is not going to be on camera today. Yeah, Chance, holy. Text me the other day and said, would you mind if I dressed as Gru? You said live your truth, queen. Put the Gru costume on. You're not coming on camera, but yeah, no, for sure. You stay over there as Gru. So I'm laying on the floor. The cops have arrived. You all know how the sirens are.

And I sit on the floor until I hear... Now, I know the cop who came out. I actually am friends with him. His name is Officer... And we used to play basketball together at the Y. Okay? It's a small... When you're from somewhere like... The way your life is a fucking movie, bitch. Sometimes you play basketball with Officer... At the Y. This is fucking season one of Stranger Things. Yeah. It's gonna happen. And so he goes... He goes, Caleb, it's Officer... And I go, oh, thank God. He's here. Click. I open the door. And he goes...

He goes, I've cleared the property. There's no one. I can't see. I walked all around the tree line. There's no one here, but there are footsteps back there. So it was a real person. Horrifying. And I was like, okay, well, can you wait for me? I'm going to grab some stuff and can you take me to my cousin's house? Because I can't do this. Yeah. And I had to live there for another 10 months after that. Did he ever come back? I don't know. And I never stayed there alone again because I was so scared. Oh, my fucking God. That actually reminds me.

When I first moved into my home, like that I grew up in, like went to high school and stuff. And I when we first moved in, my dad was working and my mom was at the house and my dad's brother just so happened to be there helping us move. And my sister and I were probably like I was probably like 10. She's like 11 or 12.

And this guy like that lived in the cul-de-sac like right up like a few houses down. He just walks in the house because, you know, like the garage is open. The doors are open because we're moving shit in and out because we just moved. He's like standing in the hallway and he's like, hello, like calling. And my mom got scared as fuck. And mind you, my brother was just born. So he's like on my mom's chest, like in a little baby Bjorn thing.

And my mom's like, can I fucking help you? Like he's just walks in the house. He's like, oh, like I was walking by. So I just moved in. And like I saw you have a dollhouse. Like, do you have daughters? Because I have a daughter and she might be around the same age and maybe they can hang out. And my mom's alone. Like at the time, my uncle was there, but he was like getting something. So she like called him and said, come back to the house because my dad was further away.

So my uncle came back and then he like would not leave. Like he really wanted to like get to know my family. And then little girl came into the room with me and Taze. And me and Taze are trying to play Bratz dolls and Barbies. Respect. And then there's a fucking foreigner in the room. So now we're like, well, now we can't play the way we want to play. Yeah.

How did she get in here? We close ranks in this house. But we're like, we're playing with Barbies and we're like, no, there's someone here. Right? Like, I can't be myself when there's someone here. Right. And we're like, do you want to play Barbies? And she was a fucking freak.

And I say that with no love or unity. Runs in the family. Well, yeah, clearly. I mean, her dad's a freak. But she was like, she kept saying things like, oh, Bratz dolls are like sinful. And mind you, she's younger than me. So I'm like, how do you know that word? She said they're schlutz. Yeah, and she was saying, she was like, they're going to burn in hell. Like people who play with Barbies are going to burn in hell. And my sister, my sister, obviously you know this.

She gets so scared and so nervous about everything. Especially when she was younger. So, like, when she... And I'm getting irritated because I'm like, you're doing a lot of this and not a lot of this. We're supposed to be playing. You're supposed to be doing more of this. Yeah, and then when she started getting more, like, lippy and shit... What I do with my Barbies and my time is no one's business. It's me and Jason's business. It's not my neighbor's business. You're in the writer's room. Yeah, we were...

Let me cook. But she was like, as she started being more weird, she started being rude. Like she was saying like weird, rude shit. And I was like, okay, we don't want to play anymore. So you should go back out to your dad. I literally kicked her out of the room because I didn't like her. And then she left. She was like, whatever. She's like, there's someone gay in this room. It's not me. It's Jason. And then she leaves and she was, she was really rude and weird and whatever. And the dad was a big freak too.

Fast forward. Fast forward like eight years later. I'm like a junior in high school, right? That family lived there that entire time, right? And something like there's, you know how like every neighborhood has one lady who's got way too much time on her hands? And obviously Caleb's that lady in his neighborhood. Period. But they know everything about everyone and like the neighborhood gossip. Yeah. And we had a lady like that and she gave my mom all the tea all the time. Like against my mom's will most times.

And so she was like, oh, my God, did you hear about that family in the cul-de-sac? And my mom was like, no. What happened was it was that guy, his wife, and then they were a nuclear family. So that little girl and a little boy, the guy found out that the wife was cheating on him. Right. And he was so angry. He like waited till she got home from work and he was like, oh, we should have dinner. Kills her in that fucking house. Right. Like and when I say kills her, bitch, like I mean, for real, like he it was like.

horrifying, right? What? Murdered her in that home. Like, it was horrifying. Put her in the car, put the kids in the car, drove it off a cliff. And when I tell you that that girl's energy was so sinister to me, like, she had a very, like, obviously it's her father's fault and he's a psycho. But her, like, I was like,

She had such an ominous like energy about her that I did not like. And I told you on my third eye. Yeah. Here's my third eye. It's always wide open. And so I had a really weird like feeling about her. Obviously, Jason's afraid of everyone. So she didn't like her.

But like, Dazen's one of those, like a shelter dog. And so, you know. She didn't show up. Yeah. That's another funny joke I'll tell after this. And she had a weird energy about her. And that's why I was like, you need to leave. Like, I told her, you need to get out of here. And I'm glad I fucking did. Because who fucking knows? Like, if I like befriended her or something, if I looked past her weird and I ignored the ominous energy, who fucking knows? You're like, I told that girl who needed help to get out of my house. Yeah.

And take your freak dad with you. You say, I don't know what's going on in your house, but you better call someone who cares. But she's weird. But she literally, like, she would, like, hurt animals and shit. Yeah. Like, she was one of those girls. So that's why I was like, no, no, no, no, no. You got something about you. Yeah. Take this white shit to your house. Yeah. This is going on in y'all's house. This is anonymous. Dude, imagine if you would have, like, been friends, been over to her house. That's what I'm saying. And the dad was a psycho freak and weirdo and horrible. Oh.

But yeah, isn't that horrifying? Anyways. Damn. What a vibe killer. I'll tell a funny story to lighten it. Imagine being the guy that the mom cheated with, by the way. Just being like, that's fucking crazy. God damn. Damn, my bad. When your dick's so good, he blows. No. No.

Dick's so crazy, I ruined a family. No, for real. Dick's so crazy, it's a murder mystery. One time someone asked me, like, how did you get, like, Billy and Dacen to, like, have their own relationship where they, like, get along and, like, can, like, exist without me, like, they can hang out without me? And I was like, well, Dacen's kind of like one of those cats in the parking lot where you got to put feet in your hand and every day you're kind of like... And then you're like...

okay, I'll leave this here and then whoever wants it can come and take it. I was like, that's kind of how she is. Straight men need to approach her carefully and with caution. Gingerly. Yeah, and I was like, and he just, it's like those vet videos where they lay down next to reactive dogs. Next to the pee pad with a blanket. Yeah, they lay like this next to reactive dogs. Billy just laid next to her long enough where she got comfortable. He had a little treat for her. Billy, every time he walks in a room, he's like, smell my hand. Billy had a sunny angel. Yeah.

Whoever wants this can take it if they would like. I'm not playing with it right now. I don't need it at the moment. You play with it for now. What else we got in here? Anything good? Oh, well, what age should you stop trick-or-treating? Hmm.

Honestly, I enjoyed being like transitioning to giving out candy. Yeah. Because I play God at that door. If I can't tell what you are, you get no fucking candy. No costume, no candy. I love that. Sorry.

That's why I'm like real like running at like the gates of heaven. You know what I mean? Dude, we used to go, I remember Halloween was big for us because it was the only time we got treated right. Like in terms of candy, like we didn't get to just get full candy bars any old time. Okay. So we would go to the rich neighborhood. Oh yeah. Our parents, all of our parents linked up and were like,

get in the minivan. We are going to the rich neighborhood. We used to go to rich neighborhoods too. Dude, we would fucking, it was military to us. We were fucking like every house, every rich neighborhood. Same. There were two. Same, same, same. And we were making the rounds. Hell yeah, same. And I remember my dumb fuck ass dentist gave out gum every year and we always had to go to his stupid fucking door. Apple.

apple. Bitch. Yes. I was like, nobody wants to fucking my dentist. Cheap ass. Cheap ass. Healthy ass. Sugar free gum. Are you nuts? Have you lost your goddamn mind? Yeah. Put a kick head in there. Yeah. But even an almond joy.

My dentist is so mean to me. Your dentist is mean to you present day? Yeah, but she's a real one, though. Like, she's done my teeth. She's worked on my teeth since I was, like, nine. And, like, when I see her now, she goes... Like, when I started seeing her probably when I was, like, in my late teens, early 20s, like, college, I had to get my wisdom teeth out by her. And she literally goes, yeah, you really should have worn your retainers because, like, just, like, all of my work's just gone. And I'm like, oh, my God.

Thank you, Dr. Lily. Thank you. I love that casually. Just like, yeah, you fucked up everything I've ever worked on, but open up. I'll take your money. And she literally would go like, your sister wears her retainers all the time. No, that bitch doesn't. She fucking doesn't. Selling dace out of the dentist. She has better genetics than me. That's literally all it is.

And I was like, and I didn't be like, she literally doesn't. She doesn't wear her retainer, bro. Me feeling competitive with the dentist. She's not good. Also, she's tripping because I used to have an underbite. Like I had a really bad underbite. Like my grill was far more jacked up than it is now. So she's tripping. I said, you're tripping, Lily. Girl, you're tripping. Get her out of here. I like when I became an adult, though, and I could talk to her like an adult.

That's beautiful. I'm like, Lily, you don't know what you're talking about, girl. The relationship with the dentist evolving over time is one of the most beautiful things about aging. About America. Yeah. About America. Thank you for putting your gloves back on, by the way. Anytime. The sweat dried. Yeah, not me. I'm dripping sweat. Yeah, don't talk about this area or this area. Yeah, don't worry about what's going on right here. Yeah, right here is private. Don't worry about this for me. My private Idaho. I know, I'm scared to raise my arms up because I bet it's soaked under there. Yeah, fuck it. Um,

I would like to answer your original question with, I think 16 is the cutoff. 16? I think if you're 16 and you really give it your all, you dress up with your friends, you do a group costume. That's two. You know, 17, you're a junior in high school, I don't want to see it. I also think, too, it depends on how old you look.

Yeah. Because I looked 24 when I was 13, so like, yeah, my big ass shouldn't be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was. Don't get me wrong. I was there, and I was sweaty, and I didn't care. Yeah. But a lot of times they were like, well, this is for kids. Sorry, Sugar. This is not a job fair. Yeah.

You should not be at my door. Don't come to my door. Go to LinkedIn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put your resume away. No, for real. You don't need a full-size KitKat bar. You need Indeed.com. You need Monster. You need to apply for 300 jobs and not hear back from any of them. Now. Do y'all's families get into, like, the giving out the candy aspect? Kind of. Kind of not really. My family loves Halloween. But we were a big, like, child.

trick-or-treaters and then now they're big like candy people but they just hand it out really like you know some people go on the driveway they have like a fire pit that's like that my family goes fucking balls and nuts on halloween i mean like my dad gets the smoke machine my nana dresses up like a witch i mean paints her mom's scaring the kids she's like there's an energy behind you my mom's hexing little children yeah

Yeah, we go full balls out. And I used to, in high school, when I aged out of trick-or-treating, I would resort to scaring children. So my dad would be doing the smoke machine. My mom would be, you know, like, candy little girl. And then I'd be behind the thing just, help!

Your theater kid ass. I had to be the center of attention. And so I would. I would scare the fuck out of these little kids. And it brought me so much joy. You know what's funny is you say that and I actually worked in a haunted house like two years in a row for no money at all. For the love of the game. I found a lot of joy in just terrorizing little children. There's something very special about it. Yeah, and like it was the one I worked in was with one of my friends. I don't even remember how I got that job. They just asked me if I wanted to do it and I said, fuck yeah.

yeah, I want to do that shit. And again, I look 24 even though I was like 15. What was your room? What was the thing? It was like a hospital. Oh, like a haunted hospital. Love that. Yeah. So I was like, they did like,

scary makeup on me it was very the budget was two dollars max it was very bad and i did i i broke out like crazy after i put that dollar tree fucking paint on my face where you have to use that little um white square like you're talking about it's a little like paint pot yes theater kids for real dude there's a i know you playing the grandma on every production in high school i know you saw that sponge once or twice yeah and did i have cystic acne because

Of course. Because we all shared it. Right. I'm done with my makeup here. Use the same as mine. This one does. There's a haunted house in Kansas City that's in this like old big warehouse and you go up the, y'all know what I'm talking about. You've been to this. You go up the, okay, you start on the bottom level and then you go up as you go through. Hate that. And every floor is a different like crazy thing. Horrifying. And then at the end, truly. I'm like, the real fear is I might not make it out of this. You're not even scared.

So at the very top, there's a slide that goes on the outside of the building and takes you back down, and that's how most people get out. That's so fun. I went through the whole thing. Well, not for me, because it's enclosed, and I don't like that shit. Oh, no, no, no. So I got to the top, and I got all the way through the haunted house, and then I get to the slide. By the way, one of the rooms at the wall is closing on you.

I'm sorry. I thought we were having a nice night. I thought we were having fun. That's actually scary. Then get to the top and everyone starts to go down the slide and I go, hey, I know there's a staircase on the side. Can I just take that? And a really huge fat guy in like a gargoyle mask pops out of his job. I'm not talking to him. I'm talking to another person, like a person with a clipboard. A big, huge fat guy in a gargoyle costume pops out and takes his mask off and goes, I've been down it, brother. You'll fit. Oh.

You'll fit. And I was like, okay. I wasn't concerned about fitting. And I still want to take the steps. Thank you. Had nothing to do with my size. Broke character. And then I will say haunted houses, people get a little free balling with my weight. Yeah, I'm sure. Really? There was a military room. They're roasting you while they're staring at you. Boy. There was...

Doll. Doll. There was a, you're a trans, Harry. There was, no, there was a military room where there was a commander whose job was to yell at everybody and everyone else. And that is scary. He was like, you don't have what it takes, maggot. You're not strong enough to be in the army. And he got to me and he was like, you fat fuck. He's not even in character anymore. I was like, I was like, pardon? There are fat people in here. Oh my God.

I'm not the only fat fuck in here. I'm the only one who got called fat fuck. Fuck is brutal. He's like, you're not strong enough to be in the army. You're never going to make it out. You fat fuck. I was like, yo. Not too much on me, Sergeant. What?

He said, move on. When I was a kid, I went to a Christian carnival during trick-or-treating. Thank you. You know what? Can I say something real quick? Please do. Trunk-or-treat, grow the fuck up. Girl. If your kids are going to get razors in their apples or kidnapped, you just got to grow up. You know what trunk-or-treat is? Yes, I do. I hate a trunk-or-treat. It's sick. They're ruining our culture. They literally just go to a parking lot. A church parking lot. Yeah, a church parking lot. And they just like.

It's almost like tailgating, but it's just candy. Oh, out of car trunk? Yeah, so they just walk in. It's like invite only, so it's just people from your church. They're ruining. They're ruining our children. The sanctity. Halloween is not supposed to be about that. No, not at all. It's about this. I hate trunk or treat. It pisses me off. Me too. I talk shit on the trunk or treat until the cows come home, bitch. I have never heard of trunk or treat. Really? In Texas? It's a blasphemy.

I'm surprised by that. I know. I'm from California and they do it here all the time. Like the church things. I went to a church carnival. We went to one. Obviously, it's not Halloween. It's like, what the fuck do they call it?

hallelujah night that's what they call it instead of halloween that's all i was like days yeah they call it hallelujah night and we go because we go because it's in the rich neighborhood and we're poor and everything's like free for the most part like the slides the halloween slides and shit and all i wanted was to go on this slide and dayson was so scared to be away from my mom obviously and i was like come on like i was trying to convince her to go with me and we go on the slide i'm probably like at this point i'm probably like six or seven

But I remember this vividly because it was traumatic. And then we go to the top of the slide. Dacin goes down. She's like, oh, it was so fun. I'm getting ready to go down. Perfect Dacin, by the way. Yes. I'm getting ready to go down the slide. I'm like, oh, my God, this is the most exciting moment of my life. I've always wanted to go on one of these things. This is my first time ever going on one of those blow up things. I'm sitting up there. I'm like scooting to the edge. And I'm like, my parents are at the end waiting for me. A teenage couple is behind me.

And they're like, when I say teenage, I mean like 18 or 19 years old. Like they're older. They're play fighting because they're like on a date. As I start to push, they fall over the edge. They trample me the whole way down. They crush me.

Like a fucking cartoon character, bitch. Like when they scoop Bugs Bunny off the street and he's flat. Bitch, when I say the whole way down, I felt all of their belt buckles. I felt every single elbow, every single finger. And mind you, the whole time they're laughing. They have no idea there's a body underneath them. They killed a child. They killed a small indigenous woman. And they're flirting and they're like...

like giggling and laughing. Stop. Trampling me the whole way down. My mom watches me. It's all like, like a fucking cartoon character. Bam. Yeah. Fucking cat screech class break. Like a Batman fight. Like you have piano keys. I'm straight and have like a tire mark on my face. My, I was like, there's little birds flying around your head.

No, dead ass. I set up. My hair's all fucked up. My costume's ripped. I'm like, I literally couldn't breathe. My mom, my, okay. And by the way, you know my mom. Yep. Queen. My mom at one point was crazy. And that's okay. That's my girl. Tread lightly. Right. And mind you, my mom at this point is like in her late 20s.

And my mom would swing on anyone on site ever. She still will. She's just got a lot more restraint now. She jokes all the time. She's like, if I didn't have your sister, I'd be in jail. My mom jokes about that all the time. She's like, I'd be in jail or I'd be dead. I'm like, okay, perfect. That's light dinner talk. Yeah, we're at dinner. We're at the Applebee's, by the way. And my mom went nuts. My mom was like,

What are you doing? Like screaming and yelling at them. She made both of them cry, man and woman. That'll do it. And then she's like, you guys are too fucking old to be on this fucking slide. And that was the first time I had ever heard my mom like cuss like that, scream like that, whatever. And then my dad picked me up and my dad took me to get a goldfish. You know, they like do those little ping pong things. And I'm all like, yeah, I want that one. That's the one I want. That one's calling me. That one's calling me. But then...

Bright side to that, I got attention all night. So it really worked out. I know you did. I got attention all night, and that's all I really needed. That night you learned a valuable lesson. That refilled my XP really quickly. Right. I didn't take any more physical damage after that. Leveled up, powered up, health up. I powered up. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Immunity medallion. Yeah, it was pretty traumatic, though. I have a question for you guys. Please. Now, as you know, this episode is coming out on Halloween.

do you have do you guys have any advice for people going out and celebrating their halloween tonight um if you come to my house i will be putting razors in all the chocolate yeah you do that all year round yeah it's a

I got hurt last time I came over. Yeah, trick or treat. Yeah, but it's never a treat with you. All I have are knuckle sandwiches to pass out. So if you want to line up for that, that's on you. I'm just actually going to hand out chomps this year. Well, then I'm coming. Don't play. Don't play. I'll be there. You'll go broke. What was the question? Any advice for people on celebrating their Halloween tonight? How about...

commit to a great costume i don't want to see sexy nurse with the fire fighter with your cock out i want to see benedict from dune yeah i want to see teletubbies it's five friends y'all all go as different colors yes i want to see some real creativity yeah no concept costumes i saw someone fuck you i saw someone talk shit on a concept costume they're like i am an espresso martini

then I need to see you fucked up beyond belief. I want to see glass all over you. I want to see an olive. There's no olives in espresso partintinis. Sell me the dream. I don't want to see you in a brown off-the-shoulder blouse. No, for real. From Shein. I don't want to see it. You know what's funny? When I was in college, my friends, obviously, whore face. Obviously, I had a huge whore face in college. Thank you. Obviously. As God intended.

And when I did group costumes with my girls like every year, I always told them, I don't care if it's slutty. I just want it to be creative. Exactly. I don't care if it's slutty. We can be slutty all we want. I just want compliments. Right. We might be whores, but tonight we're going to be art house whores. What?

We're going to be creative. Creative whores, if you will. Like last year, I was American Gladiators with Dason and Billy. That was really hot. And I was like, no one's going to get this costume, but I don't give a fuck. Because it was fun. Because it was fun. And I committed to the bit. I love a niche costume. Something that's so specific. And then when you look it up, you're like, okay, tea. Yeah, exactly. I love something like that. Yeah.

You also don't need a lot of money, I feel like, too, to get a really good costume. I mean, look at us.

Hey, you look amazing and this costs almost nothing. And we can tell. And I'm feeling it. And the budget is clear. Now, it is fucked up of you to say that because I offered to have hair and makeup here to go authentic and you guys didn't want it. That is true. I did say I was going for a more spirit Halloween vibe. I think we've achieved it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is a lot harder with the nose inside this thing. Yeah. It is a lot harder to breathe. This has been fogged up for about 48 minutes. I can't see shit. What's your advice, Caleb?

My advice for everyone celebrating their Halloween tonight, y'all,

Get out there. Have some fun. If you're out with your crush tonight, make a move. Yes! Make a move on Halloween. It's the night to make a move. Tonight is the night to make a move. If you're not with your crush, call them. Text them. If you are with your crush, grab their hand at some point. Turn to them and say, you looked so good during the apple bobbing competition. I would love to kiss you. What are they, Peanuts characters? Is it 1942? I love Peanuts.

Y'all don't do that? You're going to say, you're going to turn to me and say, I love when you won the pumpkin carving competition. Oh my God. Can I give you a kiss? And give him a kiss. And give him a kiss. Make a move on your crush tonight. Have some candy, but not too much. No need to have an upset tummy. Have some fun. Also, I will add to that. If you're a couple and you're doing a couple's costume. Fuck. Now's not the night to fight. Oh. Because, because.

It's embarrassing. Yeah. Nobody wants to see Tina and Bob Belcher arguing. Yes.

There's no dignity in a fight tonight. And then just, if you are mad, just be like, I need to remember to fight with him about that tomorrow. November 1. Yeah, November 1. 12 midnight on the dot. 2024. First of the month, bring up the conflict. Exactly. Until then, let it be fun. Exactly. I love that. Y'all got a segment for you. All right. Let's hear it. Okay, this is a spooky true or false. Okay. Are we on a team? Yes, you can tag team it. You can tag team it. Okay.

And now here's what's going to happen. I'm going to tell you, I'm going to read 15 statements to you. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. Caleb loves a fucking game. They're spooky themed.

They are spooky themed. If you guys, now we're going to up it. You guys got to get 12 or more correct. What's the prize? If you get 12 or more correct, I'm going to buy y'all's chilies tonight. Okay, T. Period. You're buying regardless. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As if it isn't a fucking fight to the death between us. That's true. That is actually T. Okay. Hold on. Let me lock in. Hold on. Lock in. Both of you. Lock in and synergize. Texas is the biggest candy producer in the United States.

False. False. It's California. Four out of ten Americans believe that ghosts and other supernatural entities exist. True. True. True. Willa Smith was born on Halloween. True. True. Pumpkins or vegetables? False. What's your final answer? Hold on. They have a seed. Pumpkins have seeds, yeah? Pumpkins have seeds. Sorry, I was being rude. Do you eat? False. They are fruits. Harry Houdini died on Halloween.

I'll do yours here. True. True. Candy corn was invented in 1945. True. False. 1888. Fuck. John Cena was the most popular Halloween costume in 2023. True. What? No, no. 2023? No. That must have been Tiger King or some bullshit like that. 2023? That's 2020, girl. No.

What's your answer? I'd say false. I'd say false. False. It was Barbie. T. Over 8,000 people die every day in the United States. Shit. I feel like that's way too low. False. Yeah, that's too low. That's too low. False. True. What? The world's heaviest pumpkin weighed in at 2,749 pounds. Yeah, that's for sure true. True. Me and the pumpkin both.

That makes two of us. Yeah, same, sister. Carmelophobia is the fear of candy. Carmelophobia? I feel like that's not real. No, false. True. There are 13 films in the Halloween franchise. True. True. The Ring is the scariest movie of all time, according to science. The Ring. Is that where she crawls out of the TV? Yeah. Is that where you're going to die in seven days? Yeah. That she's got the black hair? Yeah, so you seem to know the movie, yeah. I feel like she...

Yeah, you got it, girl. You got it. True. False. It's sinister. Jimmy Carter is still alive. True. True. But we should be checking that one by the minute. This might not be true. If this was written earlier today, let's just do a Google. It is illegal to dress as a nun or priest for Halloween in Alabama. False. True. Are you for real? Yes, it's Alabama, y'all. Halloween was originally called Satan Day. False. False. False. All Hallows Eve. How'd they do?

Oh, y'all are buying chili. Are we the stupidest idiots to ever be on a show? You make the question so fucking hard. Can I ask you a question? I had Trixie on. I was going to ask. Hey, and from all of us, a happy Halloween. That was a hate gun podcast.