Briston Maroney Doesn't Want to Live Forever
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Something that I've tried to think about a lot in recent months, like just the concept of, okay, you going out and doing a heinously horrendous set. Like there's risk involved. I don't know if I said that.

This is like a fever dream. This is an honor. It's so... For me to have you here. ...nana's to be here. Thank you. I can't believe you agreed to do this. You know, I felt very charitable today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is dangerous because I'm going to be hard on you. Please, yeah. This is going to be really tough. Do not take it easy. I have immediately something really exciting to tell you that I don't think you even know. I'm just like truly sweating. I have to ask you, well, no, what order do I want to tell you? How old are you? I'm 26. You're 26? Yeah.

So different years, but I have to tell you, we were born on the same day. I know. Can you believe January 24th? How did I not know that? I didn't either until I literally read the research for this episode. That is fantastic. January 24th. Nice research. That actually is like, that's my favorite kind of research. Same birthday. That's fucking huge. Can you believe? That's amazing. That makes me so happy. Three years apart. That's okay. You do feel, you feel wiser than me. I do think you're. Oh, I can, I will immediately tell you that that is.

I can make that known immediately. You have a very wise vibe about you. Thank you. You have a very kind of... It's not stateliness. That is certainly not the right word. You just have a very like... I think you've been here before. You know, over the years of my relationship with substances, I think that I've become really...

somewhat subdued and I think that that really lends itself to coming off as wise sometimes. Yeah, that's interesting. You think it's the substances? A hundred percent. Yeah, okay. Yeah, the long-term effects of the decisions of my youth. Yeah. I just think you're really, I think you're really grounded and really smart. That's very sweet. And that's what I think. Same to you. Every once in a while, I love our friendship which is semi-new in the world of friendships. True. But I love that every once in a while I can get you to come to my house for 15 or 20 minutes. It's been...

Honestly, the highlight of my... The collective 45 minutes I've been at your home in the year that I've been in LA. Yeah. Highlight experience. I'll throw a big party and I'll say, Briston, please come. I want to see you. And then you'll come for 15 or 20 minutes. It's because I'm terrified of the world. I get to see you and you're like...

social butterfly like killing it and then i'm like lingering in the corner like looking at what's in the fridge and then i'm like i should just go home like i'm so scared to be here you're so good i'm literally running around i mean like you guys talk and then i sprint away you're like it's yeah you're it's you're so good at it like puppet master like literally like just setting people up like making these social like just like beautiful fireworks happen people sometimes love it and people sometimes hate it but when i'm hosting a party my big move is to walk up to like

if I see a group of three that all knows each other and a group of two or four that all knows each other, I'll go, you guys all, Hey, you guys meet each other. And then I go, anyone want to drink? And then I run away and I go continuing to engineer. And some of my friends have been like, you know, we're actually all adults who are really capable of talking to other people. And I go, no worries. I am like your dream client.

Like me being in your home is like truly like the, the people that you've introduced me to and just like those moments are like, I live for that shit. Like I cannot operate on my own. I love it. I think it's so fun to be like, you guys be friends. Yeah. It like genuinely like we've met so many sweet people through those moments and like, yeah, it's, it's been really awesome to have. I did want to say this to you on your podcast. Like you have been truly like such a light to us. Like,

Yeah. Yeah. Your check is in the mail. Thank you. That's what I like to hear. I'll use it to move to New York with you. We're getting that in? Yeah. No, y'all are the best. You and Sam. I literally, I am so excited that, I mean, I met you guys at your going away party in Nashville. I know. Honestly, that interaction still burns my brain. I feel like I was so weird.

to you that night because I genuinely like that is a laying in bed crosses my mind thing sometimes how weird I was I was like in Nashville for something I don't even remember what maybe something with Annie well definitely something with Annie that's my my girl yeah she's my favorite and she was like yeah you gotta come and I was like oh my god I'm a huge fan of them I would love to come to their going away party how fun yeah I love your music oh thank you I have to say you know I'm a fan thank you I'm really deep in there I'm honored I'm really listening all the time thank you thank you the liner notes you're

I'm in there. You're on the Genius. I'm checking song credits. I'm saying, who wrote on this? Who produced? Was that you who explained the lyrics of every song on the last record on Genius? Yes. Okay, cool. I was happy to do that. You did a great job. Yeah, it cost me a lot of money, though. Sure. I took off work. I canceled gigs. And I charged you. Yeah, you did charge me for that. I Venmo'd you. I requested $1,000 for your time. You're a very ungenerous person, yeah. Charity is something I do not fuck.

with. No, it's not you. You don't have that within you. Thumbs down. Yeah. Not, I'm not interested in that. I've always said that I will not do for others. I like vanity and I like hatred. I'm a big hatred guy.

I'm a big what's good for me and also forget about others. What can I... Yeah, how can I benefit from something while other people don't? Yeah, specifically because I only enjoy it if I know that other people are not enjoying it. You just did Lollapalooza. We just did Lollapalooza. How was it? It was the hottest day in history, but it was like the best day of my life. It was so fun. Outdoor music is tough. It is. It like...

Specifically for the type of anxiety that I have every day, it's like kind of my nightmare. Like not knowing if at any moment something could like completely change the entire day. Like weather-wise or like... I don't know. It just increases the number of things that can like blow up in your face. What specific type of anxiety do you have, do you think? It's a really... It's like a pretty common flavor. It's like...

minute detail anxiety. Like I freak out about the intricacies of like, you know, in like the early two thousands movies where it's like,

the scene where it's like the camera goes into somebody's brain and it's like going through all of their that's like me but not in a cool way not in like a stylistically appealing way yeah yeah yeah it doesn't feel like a movie at all really no no more of a yeah more of a just living nightmare yeah yeah yeah it's been a lovely existence so far for me that is so funny I feel like you're how do you feel about earnestness as a concept

I almost asked if I could swear. I can swear, right? I can say fuck. Oh, brother, you can swear on here. It's cool if I cuss. Yeah, you can cuss on here. Curse words are kind of our thing. I feel like we should totally explore why I asked that question at some point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At some point in the world. I fuck with earnestness is what I was going to say. I think you're an earnest guy. Thank you. I think like...

humility is a thing that I've really like analyzed a lot over the past few years of my life. Like I, it can definitely be like weaponized. And I think where I,

came from and like I'm from Tennessee and like there's kind of just a general pressure for like humility to be a part of your everyday life and I think people like kind of become addicted to that and it can be as heinous of a thing as like being overly confident and being an asshole. Yeah. So I've like really in the past few years tried to like analyze moments where I'm like am I trying to

be humble so that people like me more or something, you know what I mean? As opposed to being like, well, no, I like generally, I want, I want to genuinely have like a grasp on my relationship to art I'm making or things I'm doing that isn't based in like outward things.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Does that even like make fucking sense? It absolutely does. Okay. I think it's a balance between, we all have to do like perception management all the time about like, how are people perceiving me and what do I seem like? And, and like, that is something we're all always thinking about to some extent. Yeah. Like, Oh, did I seem like a nice person when I said thank you just then? Or did it seem fake or whatever? That's all on some level for some of us much more consciously, which I think is usually anxiety. And some of us much more subconsciously, which is less anxiety. Um,

but yeah, we're all doing that. And so like humility can become this thing of like, especially in, um, yeah, a place like Tennessee or a place like Missouri, like places that are like, um, pretty white or pretty Christian or pretty, it just, you're like, you're, I think it, it, humility can become, yes, a weapon, like a thing of like, um,

it's more important than anything else. It's more important than being honest or more important than like, you're not supposed to like, you're almost not supposed to like yourself. Totally. You know? Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. That's crazy to me. It like fucks you up so much. Yeah. Cause then you like start questioning your motives internally. If you're like, especially if you're predisposed to any type of anxiety, you start questioning your motives on everything you're doing. And then like,

Genuinely awesome moments in your life become like these weird mirrors where you're like well who like what am I allowed to be happy? Should I hate myself? Should I not hate myself like what the like what do I do like should I hate myself is such a funny question Oh, I asked we all think should I hate myself today? Oh, yeah, let's do a poll Regularly doing that poll with myself and other people verbally out loud so funny

Well, anxiety is a particular... I mean, it's so... Dealing with anxiety is such... I've gotten better about it over the years personally, but it is such a...

It's such a killer because a lot of times it manifests, at least for me, in just doubt and decision paralysis. Like how to be or what to say or what to do or what to wear or how to feel about a situation. I can never quite make a decision when I'm feeling super anxious because it's just like this thing that's beating inside of you being like, well, it could be the wrong thing. Totally. That sucks. I mean, nothing beats it, though, like just doing the thing. We were kind of talking about that earlier. Like, honestly, when you...

like turning point in my life was when you asked me to do that show in New York. Like, I think I told you that night and it, maybe it seemed like I was like just being silly, but I was like, Oh, I'm good. I'm going to die. Like, I'm so nervous that I'm going to die right now tonight. And like, I was so scared to like, just be in an environment like with someone like you, who I like look up to and like, you know, I, I,

just like had to face that fear and went out and like played a couple songs and like ended up like riffing maybe a little too much. No, you killed them. They love the riffs. But like get just like, I don't know, just facing the thing and like getting through 10 minutes of like

physically like shaking and like confronting this anxiety that things were going to go wrong, like really set me free. And like my time in LA has been full of experiences like that. Like that's so funny because as a, as a cool and successful musician being on a show of mine, you are like objectively the coolest person within a square mile. You know, like me and me and my fans are such humiliating little figures. I talked about, I talked about,

Baldur's Gate 3. I talked about Dungeons and Dragons. I literally described my Baldur's Gate 3 build to an audience of people. It's like a nightmare and a dream come true. It was great. I do have a tendency of anyone who will go along, like I did tell you, hey, I think you should fly to New York on a whim and do my show. Yeah. And you did it. And I also, that's how I got Annie DeRusso. Oh, I'm glad.

Hooked into my little world as well. I was like, I think you should fly to New York and do my show. Y'all were like cosmically meant to be in each other's lives. Annie is my soulmate. Annie DeRusso, listen girl, I don't know if you know or not, Annie is really, I met her and I was like...

When we first met, it was so rushed, and so we met at a party at South By years ago. But really, when we started hanging out after that, I was like, oh, this is a person who I'm truly meant to be friends with. Yeah, I feel the same way. Like her and the whole squad, Eden and everybody. Ugh, the boys! My family, dude. Yeah, especially just meeting them in Nashville, which I have a lot of love for Nashville, but...

In the last year that I was there, it just really felt like the walls were caving in intensely. And meeting someone like Annie, who's just so open-minded and just a great reminder that the world is so much bigger than whatever tiny spot you feel like you're in when you feel stuck. Yeah. Such a beautiful presence. The Nashville crew, everyone doing... There's so many incredible people doing...

well comedy too but just making art in nashville yeah like yeah all those eden levi and jose and and all like all those fun like i just love everybody that i've met there in the past couple years i'm just like damn nashville starting to feel like i feel like i'm as i get older i'm like um collecting new homes totally like i'm like not physically no just have one of those portfolio yeah i feel like i'm almost collecting real estate it's

It's kind of like a game of Monopoly. Yeah, it's fun to me and I don't mind that other people have zero. I want to have more. Well, as we discussed. Yeah, I want my happiness at their expense. No, I only have one house, y'all. But I feel like I'm collecting new... Nashville, I've been spending more and more time because of Annie and just like other friends I've had there and doing shows and stuff. And I just feel like Chicago was the first place after college when I went there to do comedy that I was like, this is a new home to me. I feel very at home in Chicago. I didn't know you...

For three years? Really? For three years I lived in Chicago. Oh my God. That like genuinely makes me nervous because I'm like such a fan of the Chicago comedy world. Like wow. Chicago comedy baby. Goodness gracious. I love Chicago. Yeah. It's kind of the best. It's kind of faded into the background for me as I've been away from it longer because there becomes...

more and more reason to go other places and less and less reason to go to Chicago. Sure. And not in a spiritual way. There's always a reason to go to Chicago, which is that I love it, but in like the little practical, legitimate way. Yeah. But I did like the last time I needed to test shows, I went and did like a three night run at Zany's old town, Chicago. No way. Chicago is like always where I end up back when I feel like I need to creatively find something. Totally. But yeah, I just keep collecting. Nashville's a place in the last couple of years that I've been like, this feels like a home. Good for you for like,

taking those trips and like going to those places. Like it's so important to have places where you can like just restore your soul. Like I was freaking out, honestly had a horrendous day yesterday. Just like, you know, the days where you just like get the call from the manager that you're like instantly you're like, Oh, this is going to be like a thumbs down situation. Like it just inevitably when you're doing an artistic based career, like,

There are just days that are so unpredictable as far as when you feel great, things could just turn on a dime. So I had one of those phone calls and then was just talking to Samia about how bummed I was to be here. And she was like, dude, you should just go back to Nashville for four days and get your roots back. I don't know. It can be that simple. It's just really easy to feel like you're drifting when you do a creative thing. Because so much of the appeal of doing this is...

The variety of like every day is going to be a little bit different. It's up to you. But that can also, yeah, just put you in this really like detached place. And it's so important to like have a place where you can go and be yourself and like reconnect with what you are.

Why you started doing all this shit. What's going on with you artistically right now? I mean, I know you're touring, but are you working on a new record? We just got mixes back on a new EP that I'm like... Leak it to me. Leak it to me as soon as we end this episode. On the drive here, visualize the thing where I'm holding the iPhone to the thing and everyone's going fucking crazy. It's like...

That was, that's what caffeine does to me. I just visualize playing people, my music through a microphone. Um, yeah, I'll totally send it to you. It's fucking ridiculous. It's like the goofiest, craziest shit I've made in years. And I'm so happy about it. So exciting. Yeah. What's the plan for when's it going to come out? Um, that's like kind of the vibe of why the phone call yesterday was really hard. There's like all this bullshit with our label, like going down. So we kind of don't know. Um,

But I'm trying to kind of just hold on to the fact that I'm really stoked about the music and letting that steer the ship and just knowing if it's supposed to get where it's supposed to get, then it will. Hey, I'm friends with a couple musicians, and if I know anything about the music industry as an outsider, it's that there's always something going on with the label. Good.

Good lord. There's always something going on with these people. Good lord. Yeah, they love. Honestly, it's like kind of a dream job because they're just like, it feels like to someone who doesn't work at a label, working at a label, just like you wake up and you're like, how do I fucking fuck this day up?

Like, what can I do? Like, to what extent can I make everything that this, like, kid that I've promised the world to feel like it's all fucking flipped upside down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's awesome. It's really great. And that's with all the love in the world. Yeah. To my label, please...

I only have a couple more records on the deal, please. We love you guys. It's just like we can get through this together. Like we just need to talk. It's great. I'm just kidding. I genuinely am so lucky. I do love my label a lot and I love my people. No, you've said that a lot. You really do. Yeah. You really appreciate them. Truly. I was, I had dinner last night actually with a friend of mine who's head of A&R at a label and I, you know, it was interesting that she was talking about like,

Going to shows all the time and how much it does become like work. I'm like, oh, that's I've always viewed that job as something that I would be really good at and really love. And I'm like, oh, if I had to have a different kind of job than the one I have, like maybe I would like to work at a record label or something. But I'm like, oh, I do always do this. I do always forget that when you try to turn the thing you love into work, it becomes work. Totally. And it makes so much sense to be like, oh, that would burn you out very quickly. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's so.

Oh, it's so crazy. Like we were touching on that earlier, but like the idea of like, I got into all of this, like any, any creative adjacent thing that like rules my life. Now I got into it because I felt like I couldn't explain to the people that I wanted to explain who I was. Like I had no language to tell them who I was. And then I found music and it felt like that was my chance to be like, Oh my God, in this community, in this world where I felt like,

maybe a little misunderstood, I like finally found my way to explain what I care about. But now I rely on that thing to like keep the lights on, you know what I mean? And it's a really strange combination. And my time in LA honestly has like really shined a light on how to my detriment, I like put all that pressure on myself to like make music my career. Like,

And I've really tried to take a step back and make music from a place of like just true emotion, like which like is nothing profound. Like that's not a new idea, but like it's crazy how distant I was from like the joy that I felt when I was 14 and I started playing guitar. Like this is the thing that everyone who gets really good at a thing and it becomes their career that I'm like,

I've heard so many people talk about this. I feel a version of it in my own work and creativity that like the thing even you're saying about like, oh, this isn't profound. It's like the most basic thing. It's like, yeah, that's the problem is that like you get so far from the fundamentals and the basics of it. Like I remember when I was first in Chicago and I was first doing comedy, I just had moved there fresh out of college. Like really like everything was an option to me. I didn't know if I was going to do standup or improv or theater or acting or like any, everything was an option and I would put up material that was so bad. Yeah.

I would put up, I would do shows that were like genuinely like criminally bad. The idea that people paid money to see it made me physically ill. That's so awesome. But I was happy to do it. I was like, I can't wait to do a bad show tonight because I'll learn something from it. And now if I have an incredible, if I do an hour of standup and it's an incredible show and I have one bad joke, I feel so much guilt.

that these people had to see me do a bad thing. And I, I, it's so, I've gotten really, I'm really having kind of a creative crisis recently, honestly, where I'm like, I've gotten so far from creating from the place I did when I started out, which was such a pure place to create from that. Yeah. Now it's all about like, well, if I'm going to spend time on something that needs to make money because now this is how I pay my bills and I have a mortgage and people depend on me. And like,

It does. Everything starts to get muddied. The most basic thing of just like, I would like to make something that has an emotion. Yeah. It becomes like so far removed from what I'm doing. Oh my God. Do you know what I mean? A hundred percent. A hundred percent. It is the basic things that I'm like, I would love to get back to making something that has an emotion. Yeah, totally. I mean, which is like kind of just like not, it's incongruent with like,

profiting on something. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't make sense to combine the two things. Like they just genuinely are not, they don't belong in the same category, but something that I've tried to think about a lot in recent months, like just the concept of,

Okay, you going out and doing a heinously horrendous set. Like, there's risk involved. I don't know if I said that. I don't know if I've ever had one of those. You're doing one of the, I don't know, potentially the worst stand-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you go out and you do something that makes people suicidal. It's so unfunny. You harmed your community. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With your early material. Yeah, you took it so far. You go out and you do a set that's like someone's never been on stage before. And then...

This is my nightmare. No. You have a hard night. You have an unideal evening. Yeah. There's like risk involved when you're young and excited and like new to doing a thing that is like, honestly, the best part of what we do. And I think the longer you get to do this, the risks become more apparent and the pressure becomes higher and

But I think something people like lose touch with a lot that I've really tried to like get myself connected with again is like the risk is what makes these shows exciting. And we have been doing this long enough now that like we have the ability to take those risks and like,

Maybe still fall, but not fall as hard as we would have when we were 18, experimenting with this stuff for the first time. It's so important to hold on to the... I don't know, just the hours you've put into this. It's not nothing. You know what I mean? We become...

refined versions of ourselves over years and years and years of doing this that like doesn't go away like I talk with the band about that a lot because we're all so like predisposed to just being so fucking like hateful towards ourselves right before we play a show like we are constantly questioning whether or not we're gonna remember the songs that we have played thousands of times like classic shit like that and so

I don't know, like at a certain point, like it's, it's beyond your cognitive. Like you're, you don't have to think about it to go, like you could totally go do a set where you like tuned out and you could totally like just still, it's in your body and in your soul at this point, like, and holding onto that and allowing that to let you take risks is like everything. Like you can't like, that's what the hard work is for. That's why you go up and do, you know, I

heinously horrendous yeah yeah the worst comedy anyone's ever seen as i do as i do uh what's inspiring you lately like what's you just did an ep what's what's on your mind what's making you feel good anything that makes me feel like i'm like 14 year old me so just like goofy shit like i i've always loved comedy but i'm like a huge kick right now and like i don't know just like literally watching like funny movies like i have such a tendency to like

when I'm like watching, watching movies or listening to music or like reading books to like feel like I need to be like really like gaining some gigantic thesis out of all of it. But lately I've just been like, no, I'm watching fucking Scooby dude, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm watching that live action Scooby-Doo. I'm putting on Scooby-Doo. And I'm going to love every fucking second of it. Do you know what I put on like two nights ago? Tell me. I was doing, I had to do a bunch of like, it was like, I was like, fuck, there's all this like logistical shit I need to do. Like there's like five emails I need to respond to. There's this, that, and the other. And I was so annoyed and really dreading it. And I was like, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to order a dinner that I like into the house. I'm going to sit on the couch while I do the laptop stuff. And I'm going to put on the

most vile thing I can think of to be in the background, which usually is Family Guy. But I can't do Family Guy anymore because I'll stop and watch it. I literally love it. I literally love Family Guy so much. And you know what I put on? Dumb and Dumber. No way. And it was awesome. It fucking ripped. It's the dumbest movie I've ever seen. It's so good. We used to really take... Comedy movies too used to be like... Now they're so...

ruined by execs. Sorry, I love you guys. But they're so like tightened and all like everything has to have a purpose and a fucking... Dumb and Dumber, canonically, when he's driving the limo, he causes an explosion that had to kill at least four people. Be gone. While he's driving her to the airport. And that's how it should be. And that was what comedy movies used to be. Yeah. And now, no. No, none of that. I need two hours...

of like complete complete bullshit i don't want anything to make sense like some of my favorite comedy movies like do not it feels like they take place in like 40 different locations over like a 45 minute period of time yeah where like every joke just feels like they were like writing and then took like six days off and then we're like hey i thought of a funny thing another place they could go another stupid thing they could say that's the best dude like that's

Yeah, there's something so sacred about that style of thing. I'm so into that. Same with music. I love records that are just like,

you just feel like you're hanging out with somebody when you listen to it. Like, yeah, there's so, so much inspiration in that for me. One of my favorite genres of music is the funny country song. Oh, totally. I'm talking about, I'm sure I've talked about it 17 times on this podcast, but I do love that Brad Paisley song. That's like, I love her, but I love to fish. Oh yeah. Are you kidding me? I had the like guitar chord book for that album.

Let's go. It's still like in my childhood. Was that the album that had celebrity on it too? Yeah, I think so. It's like the red one with him, like with the, with the hat. Yeah. Right. I mean, I could be totally wrong. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. There's some absolute bangers on that one. God damn. He was making country music as a uniquely like they're, they're Alex Edelman, a comedian that I'm friends with. He and I have talked a lot about this, like specifically funny country songs, like,

No other type of music has really captured the funny song as well as country has. Undeniably so. There's some funny rap songs, but funny country is really getting into it over there. It transcends. Everybody is into it. And it's such a naturally goofy ass. That's like, what the hell? I think it's really funny that that also is associated with some of the most...

badass like artists of all time yeah like Johnny Cash the shit so cool but like that shit's goofy that's why it's cool though like I love it because it's like so weird like he's such a weirdo like it's amazing like so just like uniquely himself

And a character. Yeah, dude. Yeah, a cartoon. Artists in general. I mean, I love an artist who takes on a persona. That's why I think drag queens are so cool. But Johnny Cash being the man in black.

It's like, that's silly. Like, that's literally silly. It makes me want to go like, oh. Yeah, it's like, okay, buddy. Look at you. Sure you are. And get out there and do your thing. Yeah, go play that guitar. It's so silly to take on a persona in like a fun way. A hundred percent. Those are like my favorite people. Like, the people I look up to the most are just like primarily artists who like earnestly, I have to come back to earnestly, like people who just like adopt the like

most refined and intense version of themselves. And it like is so serious that it becomes like this reflection of how not serious everything is. Like Johnny Cash being the man in black is like, the world is so gigantic. The, the like minutia of the insanity that is occurring on this planet is fucking crazy. But that dude is like, my world is me being,

wearing my little black shirt. You know what I mean? And I'm singing about the fucking railroad. You know what I mean? It's such a... It's a very... That's just what I love about music. It's such a relief. You can go into that world for a little bit and yeah, it's just...

There's a lot of joy in that. Do you think you would ever do another project, like an alter ego project? That's kind of what this EP is. It's not like a full outlet character, but it's very influenced by... I grew up between Tennessee and Florida, and so it's very influenced by the typical capital F Florida man. You were born in Jacksonville? Close to Jacksonville. It's...

Amelia Island. It's like this tiny little island between it's on the Florida Georgia line. Hey now. Yeah. Speaking of goofy. Wow. I didn't know you were born on an island. I was, I, my mom moved there in when I was in elementary school. So my like stepdad is from there. So he like, it was a big like moving back home. There's like 10,000 people on this island. Like it's, it's like the Goonies. Like I would go there in the summer and like ride my little bike around and like smoke weed out of a Sprite bottle.

can and go to the beach. You were smoking weed at that age? Yeah. Damn. No, that's not true. I was like, damn, you were cool. I was 13 the first time. Yeah. The first time I smoked weed was there. It was in...

It was on the island. I knew these twins named the Snyders. Ben and Zach, shout out. Shout out, Snyder twins. They're the shit. I think I'm going to see them. We're playing in Orlando. I think I'm going to see them soon. But they had an older brother who bought us a bong, and they hid it in their closet behind this big stuffed animal of Sully from Monsters, Inc. So I have a fantastic memory of just like,

hitting this bong and then like looking over and like seeing Sully like unblinkingly just like I was gonna say nothing nothing like getting high in a closet with a giant monster that's exactly yeah that's how you want to do it

That's so funny. Undeniably. Yeah. And then like their parents were there or something. And I like, oh my God, I like fell asleep in their bathroom. I like went to go and I like laid down on the floor. I can't believe that I didn't remember the story until now. I was laying on the floor and then their mom came in and started shrieking because she was like, who the fuck is this kid? Because I was like from...

I would like go in the summer. So I would just like show up and I was like the summer friend to everybody. And I was just like on their floor. And she's like, Ben, what the hell? Like I'm like in like a full, like fear and loathing Las Vegas, like Hawaiian shirt. No, no pants like sprawled out on their ground with like a McDonald's hot cake in my hand. Like, yeah. Wow.

This is really fun to talk about. Completely obsessed. I love that. Yeah. I hope that I have kids someday and that they do...

weird shit like that. Like I do want to go home to some madness. Oh, absolutely. I do want some, I do want to be, I want to be the straight man to their goofy little bullshit. Absolutely. That'd be a lot of fun. Yeah. That's a very important dynamic. I want that. It's yeah. That's like the greatest joy. Cause if they're not going to do it, I'm going to have to be goofy dad and I don't want to be goofy dad. You'd be good. Goofy dad. I would, but it's like, I'm goofy at work. Yeah.

I want to be buttoned up at home. I want to be Mr. Serious. I want to be like, guys. Boys. Do you want kids?

Yeah, I do. Hell yeah. Yeah, I got a lot of little siblings on my dad's side. They're all like half siblings. And so I just like grew up around babies and it's so much fun. I love kids. It is so, so much fun. Yeah, me too. I feel like there was a point this year where I like genuinely thought I wasn't going to do music anymore and was like really asking what I wanted to do. And like preschool teacher, that's like it. I feel like... You would be so good at that. I have so much...

like within me now knowing that like whatever happens with like my dreams, I can like, I don't know. That's something that like would genuinely fulfill me so much. Like just being around kids. Yeah. The only downside, if you stop doing music though, is I'm going to kill myself. Yeah.

Why would you stop doing music? The stakes are high. I would never stop doing music, but like... Because I will say, not to cut you off, but to tell you where the question is coming from. Obviously, I'm a fan. I would hate to hear that. But I do the same thing all the time where I tell myself like, hey, we don't have to do this forever. I can go do something else. What is inspiring you to even think about that? This year, particularly, just like a really hard tour. Like we were on the road. It's just so easy. Like I don't know if touring makes you feel this way, but it's just really easy to...

being able to see beyond like the day that you're in when you're on the road for fucking two months like you're on show like 37 and your brain just like as a survival tactic is like okay this is your life now it's really easy to just get so sucked into that bubble and like not be able to I don't know I just like have these like

flashes of me being like 45 with like chronic back pain like trying to do what we're doing right now and it like freaks me the fuck out but then I come home for two weeks and like I'm like oh my god I would give anything to go back out and do that again but yeah I've never loved a show until it was over I've only loved a show that I did

I've only ever loved a show that happened a while ago. But you have fun when you're performing, right? Here's my trajectory with shows. First of all, touring as a comedian is so much easier and better than what y'all are doing. We did have the soundcheck conversation. I have to say, the soundcheck, the fact that y'all show up to a venue seven hours before, that alone could make me jump off a building. Y'all are really at the venue. Your job is really so much harder. And I will get to a venue. I've gotten to a venue when the show was supposed to start.

Because I just walk up there. Or you really can come later. The opener's already up there. I mean, not me because I host. But your guys' touring is so much harder. And then the amount of people you have to pay. When I went on tour with Annie, Annie and DeRusso and I did that Seven City tour just for fun. The coolest tour. Which was so fun and cool. And I'm really glad we did it. It was such an experiment. And it really was so much fun to do a co-headlining tour, a band, and a comedian. It was tough and interesting and weird, but it was great. But when Annie was like...

Yeah, a lot of musicians just like merch is where they make the money. Ticket sales are kind of a wash. I was like, ticket sales are a wash? Hell no. I was like, what? No, 100%. I can't believe it. You were like, yeah, you're always...

I mean, it's fucking ridiculous. It's just designed to be chaos. It's crazy. And the 20% of the merch from the venues too. I'm like, comedy venues don't do that. Fuck that. Don't touch our merch. It is crazy to me. That is like, there's some really amazing interviews online with like, there's this one journalist. I like have to find him and share that shit again. But he like specifically has that conversation with just like reps at venues and like a face-to-face interaction where he's just like, can you explain like GFN

like, can you justify why you guys are taking this percentage of merchandise that like you have nothing to do with, especially like at shows where the bar sales are great and ticket sales are great. Like,

seeing a person have to like verbally explain how that makes any sense. Like not a single person can do it. Keeping in mind, all of these people know that we pay our managers 10%, our agents 10%, our lawyers a percentage, our publicists, our publicists, our publicists, a percentage, our fucking business managers, a percentage. You're going to take 20% of our merch and,

I have been saying for a long time, and I will stand 10 toes down against any venue in the country about this. If you want to take 20% of merch, I get 20% of the bar sales. And if you don't want to do that, it's because you inherently know that that's crazy. And then you shouldn't be taking anything out of my merch. 100%. It's fucking nuts. 100%. That is so crazy. But my trajectory with shows is this. Every show I have felt this way.

I dread it every single second from the moment it gets announced until the moment it happens. I dread every show I've ever had to do. I don't want to do it. My body physically rejects the idea of it. What is the... Are you dreading your experience? Or like, what are you dreading? I dread having to go. I can't believe I have to show up at that place. I can't believe...

I can't believe I've given myself a place I have to be. Right. I would dread... The thing about me is, someone... I said this once on the podcast and someone told me there's a term for it. Apparently, I'm mentally ill. But... Jesus Christ. It was like... No. Someone was like, oh, my therapist told me that this is called like... It's like... I don't know. Anyway, they said I was fucked up. But...

I dread everything that's on my calendar. It doesn't, if I, if someone, if someone put on my calendar three weeks from now, you have to go to a free blow jobs and money convention where they're still, they're just going to like blow you and give you a million dollars, but you have to come at 3 p.m. Right.

I would be like, I don't think I can make it. I can't go to that. I would be sobbing the entire way through. I hate having an obligation, but I'm so great. And by the way, I'm grateful for it. I love it. I prepare for it. I take it very seriously. I have a very, very serious sense of responsibility about what it means to get on stage in front of people. I think if you disrespect that, I think if you don't prepare for your show, if you get on stage too drunk or high to put on a good show, I sincerely really do not fucking like you. I think that's a

bad that's something a bad person would do sure I don't know if they're bad people or not but it's not a good it's not nice and it's not respectful or responsible yeah I really respect my audiences genuinely and like appreciate that they gave up a night of their life to be in a room with me yeah and I love the time I'm on stage from the second I start talking on stage to the second it ends I have an amazing time even if it's going badly right I think there's a thrill involved in knowing that I can get it back I just have to work at it mm-hmm

I love that part. Yeah. And then the second I'm off stage for at least a little while, I go, you fucking fool. You idiot. Why did you do that? Why did you put yourself out there like that? And then later on, maybe like a day or a week later, I go, you're the king of being up there. You're the best at doing that. You should do that all the time. Yeah. That was amazing what you did. A hundred percent. That's crazy. Isn't. Okay. Now do that.

That is fucking insane that that mental roller coaster is like your job. Like that is so wild. What a wild, wild thing to do routinely. Like that is crazy. That is the hardest job in the world. Uniquely difficult. No one has it worse. Agreed. No one has it worse. Coal miners couldn't do what I do. No. Let's see. Let's see a coal miner do a type five. Yeah. Okay. Best of luck, buddy.

Knock them dead, pal. Yeah, try doing a callback 45 minutes into your hour, pal. I'll take whatever's going on with your lungs over my job any day. Sorry. Obviously, we'll keep it in, but I don't... That's not... Obviously. That's not... That's not... What a crazy community to attack. Yeah, coal miners. Coal miners. No, I...

I really, to me, guys, to me, that's funny because my job is so silly. Of course. I really respect coal miners and I love what they're doing to the world. And I want those West Virginia Electoral College votes when I run. So I love what y'all are doing to the environment. To the world. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. It is like so, so, so funny.

I think the toughest part and like maybe I romanticize it because I'm like grass is always greener kind of thing but like the music world is small and there are elements of it that feel really tight knit but like

just the isolation like there are times where like i was saying earlier that you get a tough call from a manager get a tough call from the label or whatever and i'm like i don't even know who i can talk to about this like even though i feel like like the people i play music with the people in our crew are like my family it's like such a specifically um intense position when you're like fronting a project or like you know not to fucking i don't know i'm not saying that it's like

It's what I'm saying making sense. I'm not trying to be like, it's really hard. No one understands. But like, it's just tough to like try to have conversations about a really specific personal experience with like folks who like no matter how well intentioned they are, like maybe have not experienced that thing.

And that goes to anyone in any position in the creative world. You know what I mean? There's also, to me, some shame. Because it's like, there's some shame if I'm having a bad day or I've gotten bad news or things aren't going my way specifically in the career sphere. I don't know who to talk to because my friends who are doing...

who aren't having a bad time, my friends who are up, who I know they're only winning, they're on a huge project right now, they're feeling great, they're making a lot of money, whatever, whatever. I don't want to talk to them about it because I don't want to bother them. They're busy, number one. And number two, it's only going to embarrass me more. Anything they say is going to feel like, well, easy for you to say, you're fucking up right now. You're on top. You're winning. So, of course, you're going to be like, oh, just stick in there. Fuck you. It's going well for you. And then if I talk to someone who is maybe like,

doing a little worse than I am right now. Like they don't have as much going on as I do or something like that. Like a buddy who I know is like, oh, they haven't gotten a gig in a while or they've recently told me that they were dealing with this out of the other. Well, that feels mean. Sure. It's like I'm going to go and complain about my little thing to somebody who I'm like, you would kill to be having the annoying call that I just had or whatever. Yeah. It never feels like you're exactly in lockstep with the people that you would normally confide in. Sure. And so it just starts to feel a little lonely. Like, oh, who do I even... Especially with like so much of...

your communication with those people like when you're just really busy like it's through the internet like catching up with people in person like becomes like this rare like foreign experience and like

Yeah, I really am trying as I go forward to like just like go so old school. Like I don't even think – I think I'm going to like delete all my social media shit before this next tour and like try to just go full like Grateful Dead style. Like I just want to be like on the bus with my friends, having fun, like seeing my friends in cities that I don't get to see a lot, like just being present. Like that's why honestly Lala was like –

so, so amazing for that reason. Like I felt like these kids were just like so present and

And honestly, I think it may have had to do with the heat. People were just kind of like, they couldn't even move to get their fucking phones out of their pocket. But they, I don't know. They were having a heat stroke, yeah. They were paralyzed. They're present. There's nothing going on behind their eyes. They're sweating. They're falling down. They're being airlifted out of the thing. It's so relaxed. They're dizzy. They're walking in circles. They're falling to their knees. They're chanting. They're yelling. They're screaming. Their skin is warm to the touch. They're red.

They're very I don't think they're offline brother. I think those people are passing away throwing up in front on their back No one's turning them over. They have every every cent. I Will say when you said just now I think before the next two or I'm gonna delete all my socials I I was like, I'm starting to understand the call from the manager. You know I'm going hey, oh I mean the manager might need to get on the call as well. Yes, we can I don't know if we can have that I

But I totally feel the exact same way. Yeah. It's so hard. Like, it's so, so tough. It's so confusing. It's really, really confusing. It's also a really interesting balance between... I've talked to several friends about this, specifically with, like, things that feel like selling out, where it's like...

I grew up with so little money and so many people in my family. If I like, I'm like, I don't want to, I don't want to post a tick tock talking about this shoe company for $50,000 or whatever. Yeah. That's, that's not cool. And I'm a cool guy. Yeah. If I told my grandfather, uh,

who like can't walk upright because he worked on the railroad his entire life. If I told him that he would shoot me with a gun until I die. You know what I mean? No, I know. Like he, he doesn't, he would not care about how cool I feel doing it. Yeah. He would be like, dude, shut the fuck up. I said the same shit. I, yeah, I just like did this like private event a couple of weeks ago and like same vibe where I was just like, it doesn't really feel like it's aligning with my current brand. Yeah.

It's like my fucking uncle would punt me like a football. Yeah, and it's correct. Yeah, 100%, which I got, yeah, there's a balance there. I think that like it is a weird conversation of like sometimes you do have to preserve your sanity and like not do the weird like birthday party thing. But then sometimes it's like, well, I am like working. Like this is like a thing I got to work for. And like those opportunities I'm trying now to like,

turn them into really good times to practice the shit I was talking about earlier. Like go do the private event, but do it as if I was like mentally, I don't know, just like 14 year old me again, just like go have a blast and like fuck up and make a fool of myself and like learn from that shit. I did that private event and I forgot the words to one of the songs.

And I literally was like, I could already tell, like people did not want me to be there kind of event. Really? It was like not in like a negative way, but they were just like, who the fuck is this long-haired hippie boy that's like preaching to us right now? But I forgot some of the words to the song. And I, in front of all these people, was like, you know what? I'm going to make sure that I never make this mistake again. So right now in front of you all, I'm going to take my phone out and I'm going to Google the lyrics to my own fucking song.

Like crickets, dude. Like not a single reaction to that. And I stood there and using Siri, I said, Siri, genius lyrics, Bristin Maroney, small talk. Ha ha ha ha!

It's one of my older tunes. Yeah. And I looked up the lyrics and I read them out loud and then I played the song. You know what? I would have loved to see that. I miss my truck. I sold my, wow. Do you hear how I just said truck? I miss my truck. Yeah, I saw it come out. Woo. Full body truck. That was beautiful. I really do miss, I had a truck in Nashville before. It was a tiny little GMC. Exactly. Yeah, very small. Exactly. Really fucking cute. And I want to thank you for that. It was my pleasure. It had a cigarette lighter in it. Of course. It was like a 2000. I wouldn't have it any other way. Yep. How it should be. Ah.

I ask people on this podcast a lot, what do you want? And I want to know that from you. Where's all this headed? What do you want? A Grammy? That would be cool. I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't say no if they invited me to come hang out for the evening. Would be cool if you did. Would be cool if you did. Honestly, oh my God, this is going to be so like... Good. Is he doing this? But like what we're doing right now is what I want. I just like...

the fact that we're hanging out and like, I'm getting to have a conversation with someone that I admire and look up to and have for a long time. And like, just to even get to be in the realm of all these other creative people that I just like really genuinely love, like that, that's all I could ask for. Like the fact that I can pay my bills and like be present in my life and have the fucking luxury to like, I don't know, talk about things and feel all the feelings that I want to feel. Like,

That's all I could ask for, dude. Like, I genuinely could not and do not want anything beyond that. Like, I... Yeah. It is the best part. It's awesome. We just talked about this on Devin Walker's episode. I was like, you know, if the only thing that ever comes from all of this, really, in the long run, is that I get to meet, like, a bunch of cool creative people who are, like, in my opinion, like...

the most brilliant artists alive right now like my cohort of like the people i'm friends with like like everyone we've talked about like you and annie and samia and and all the comics that i'm friends with and devon of course included if the only thing that happens from all this is i get to meet and be friends with a bunch of brilliant people that are trying to make art right and uh and succeeding that's cool that's good with me i would like that a hundred percent that's a pretty nice thing it just feels like

Yeah, I mean, it's like you said earlier, like, talking about spending money to move and shit. Like, you can't... I don't know. Like, this stuff... Our lives are just, like, a blink of an eye. Like, we are truly, like, here and then we're gone. And it's, like, at the end of the day, I'm obsessed with this, like, article that's, like, become... It's very, like, Facebook-y, but, like, just, like, some...

dude was interviewed on his deathbed. He was like 98 or something. And people just like, we're asking him what he wished he had done differently. And he just straight up was like, I wish I'd eaten more ice cream, man. And like, you know, you know, that's getting a lot of like thumbs up on Facebook, that kind of vibe. But I genuinely like, I love that shit. Like, it's just like, yeah, like it's, there will be a moment where all of the pressure and all of the constructs that we have like placed on ourselves as creative people are

completely fucking vanish. And that day is inevitable for every person who does this thing. And like, I just want to, when that day comes for me, I want to like be able to look back and smile about the fucking great times I had with my friends. Like truly, that is what I care about. My favorite is the, you know, people are so obsessed with living longer and extending life, even if it's a not quality life. Not me. People are obsessed with extending life. They want to live as long as they can. And they, so they always like to find a really old person and ask them like, what's the secret? Yeah.

And my favorite is every fucking time without fail. If you ask someone who's like 106, what's the secret? They will give an answer that is so disgusting. Oh my God. Like every single time they will be like, every hour on the hour since I was 11 years old, I have eaten a cigarette. And...

It's so fucking true. And I only drink Mountain Dew. It's true. And I have never taken a shit. And literally people will be like, wow, really? That's the secret? And they're like, yeah, that's what I've done. Yeah. Are we done here? It's never something profound. No. It's never like, I ran a mile every... No. Never.

never i did some heinous shit yeah i lived a truly fucked up life i didn't want to make it this far every day i pray god will take me he just won't i wasn't some like sociopath yuppie who only drank spinach drinks every morning no dude no those people those people flame out from skin cancer at 63 it's so real only a psycho living in the appalachian mountains who like truly eats a steak for every meal can make it to 102 and god love them

They really... They do. I don't know what to tell you guys. I'm sweating. Sweat is pouring down my head. The people who are obsessed with living, they never do. It's true. It's so real. I think I'm going to live to be 200. Fuck yeah. That's my prediction. A boy can dream. Watch me die next week.

We put out this episode and I immediately die. No, that'd be horrible. We would all hate that. Say in the comments, we would all hate that. We would all hate that. Everybody in the comments say that we would hate if I died young. That's every episode I start asking people, would y'all just please in the comments say that you would hate if I died young? I feel like tired. Like that just...

You know what's funny? I get so sweaty in here, but the AC is on. I always say this every episode. I'm dripping in sweat. It's a good sweat. It's a good sweat. It's a really, really like... It's because I'm hard at work. Fucking awesome sweat. Yeah. I'm the hardest working man in America right now. Damn right. Damn right. Me and you? Damn right. Two hard working guys clocked into the factory right now. That's what I'm saying. The Laugh Factory. Well, that's a real... Yeah, that's a real place. Oh, shit. Yeah. This isn't the Laugh Factory. There's not a 30-year-old guy with a 17-year-old girlfriend in here. Sure. Sure.

Tag him. Tag him. Get him. Get him. Tag him. Would take not enough room in the comments to tag him. That's what I'm saying. You know, well, I ask everyone on the show, what is so true to you? What is so true to you? What is so true to me?

I feel like I've said so true, like not even knowing that I've said that so many times on this episode. You know, it's kind of catching on. Yeah. I will say. It's a fucking great phrase. Thank you. Was it easy for you to name this podcast? Were you like, I know exactly what I want to call it?

No, I knew that I kind of wanted it to be a gay little phrase. Cool. Like I did, um, like I, I actually have somewhere, I wonder if I can find it. Um, I actually have somewhere like a list of titles that I was thinking of, um, for the podcast and that would be kind of fun. That would be fun. Um,

I'll try to find it later. We'll probably do it on the Patreon. Check out the Patreon if you want to hear that list of names. But no, I was like, I want it to be a gay little phrase of some sort. Like I want it to be something that would just kind of roll off the tongue. It's so good. It's like such a great name. Thank you. I didn't want it to be like the Caleb Heron show. Sure. That felt a little too like... Sure. Yeah. Now I feel you. What is so true to me? Um...

It's crazy how much my internal voice is going, say good vibes. There's like a man in my head who is like on fire screaming that, say good vibes, bro. Say good vibes. It's what you fucking, you love good vibes. Yeah. What is so true to me? I'm going to try to find a better way to say good vibes. What does good vibes mean to you?

Good vibes are so true, but in one way. No, I do not like this, this hole that I've dug. Uh, what is true to me? What's so true to me? How,

Having a good day? I don't fucking know. I don't know. I believe in nothing, I guess. But the truth of the matter is the listeners don't know you. That's true. Like personally, probably a lot of them. No. But good vibes and having a good day is so true to you. That's extremely brist encoded. Unfortunately, I've probably said stuff that's more like hopefully more profound than that within this episode. So I'm going to leave that there if you want to check that out. But my answer to this will be having a good day and good vibes. What's your favorite day?

What's a good day to you? I'm a classic Saturday boy. You're a Saturday boy? I fucking love Saturday. Yeah, because you're fresh off a Friday where you had some fun. Sunday is like the Sabbath. Well, Sunday is for worshiping our Lord. You go really Christian. Sunday, well, we all know what we do on Sunday. Well, Sunday we worship the Lord. Sunday we work, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

I like Saturday a lot. I feel like in the past five minutes, my brain just shut off. I just got really stoked. Like when you were saying all this stuff about people living a long time, it just made me laugh so much. And then I kind of forgot that I was like,

I was just watching you and then now I'm like... Well, you got blissed out on the idea that you and I might live forever. Yes, I do. The magic we created here today might even live longer than us. I like that concept a lot. Yeah, you got blissed out on that. Yes. That can be really blissful. Indeed. I like bliss. My podcast will live long after me. Isn't that wild? My podcast, for better or for worse.

My podcast is going to outlive me. Maybe the next, because remember they sent the gold record to space or whatever. Boy, do I ever. Have you talked about it? I had a whole podcast about that. Are you fucking kidding me? I did. Wait, what? Keeping records. It was back in the day, but Shelby Wolstein and I had a podcast called Keeping Records where we only talked about the golden records that NASA sent into space. Are you kidding me? No. Oh my God, that's amazing. I became obsessed with them. I can't believe, I have not ever talked about that.

I read books about it. I became obsessed with the Golden Records for a while. Wow. Is that something you would like want to do? Like, would you want to...

like have a record with one of your episodes on it blasted off into I wouldn't do that to the aliens I wouldn't send them a gay podcast I probably wouldn't allow a gay guy to talk on there sure I would I would allow a gay guy to paint or sing or something I would never allow a gay guy to speak to the aliens no no no unless they think that everyone down here is like that yeah we don't want them to get the wrong idea yeah

I would probably be the only gay guy I trust to talk to the aliens. Sure. And actually maybe the only human in general. I do think me and the aliens, if we could get in a room together, I think we could figure some stuff out quickly. Sure. I do trust my ability to interface with them. 100%. I think they would like me. I think they would see me as real. I think the aliens would understand that I am a man of the people. I love that in your alien world, they value real respects real. Yeah.

They value realness. They have the most complex technology in all of history, but they're like, we just fuck with a dude who's himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, no, this dude's fucking down to earth. Yeah, that dude's chill as hell. He's cool as fuck. He literally has humble Midwestern roots. He's cool. They like that about me. He has really good music taste. I legitimately think if I was in a room with the aliens and they were like, we want to destroy humanity, I'd be like, they're not even fucking worth it, dawg.

Like, focus on you. You don't want to do that. Like, get your own stuff together. Like, focus on what y'all have going on. Yeah, bliss out. Like, we can hang out, but, like, don't even, like, destroying them would, like, literally make you, it would bring you down to their level. You're better than that. About humans, yeah. Yeah, 100%. And I'd be like, take me with y'all. I hope that that conversation gets to go down. Yeah. I really hope that there is a day where that conversation is had. And straight up, you know how most people who get abducted by aliens come back and, like, tell everyone about it and rat out the aliens? Sure. Yeah.

Nah. I wouldn't tell anybody. You are not a snitch. Yeah, if they were like, what happened up there? I'd be like, there was no up there. I never saw an alien. And then I'd look at the sky and wink, and the aliens would be smiling at me, and they'd be like, he fucking kept his word. Yeah, dude. They just go. Yeah. Fuck, I'm going to start crying. That's okay. I really want the aliens to love and respect me. They will. I don't believe in them. It's a matter of time. I hope they're real. I 100% am so into it. You think they're out there? Yeah. I'm like, we don't have to...

I don't have to talk about that. Now expose your beliefs. I do like it. I'm like, it's just so fun to me, dude. That's such a fun option. Like of all the ways that like we will inevitably crumble. Like I really dig the concept of like there being an intergalactic battle kind of situation.

I do think we would lose so bad. Oh, it wouldn't last long. Cause we're not good at being coming together. No, we're not. And yeah, that's our, one of our greatest weaknesses. Do you know that song? Earth is ghetto? No, it was like a big, wasn't that a big Tik TOK song? Don't know the one.

It's like a young girl and she's like, Earth is ghetto, I want to leave. She's like asking the aliens to come and pick her up. Okay, we have to listen to it later. But it's really, it's actually, well, no, we're going to have to cut it anyway because of the, we have to make money on this show. We can't just put our music wherever we want. It's true.

Aaliyah Sheffield, Earth is Ghetto. I love that song. Aaliyah, if you're watching, I love your song. I'll listen on the way home. I'm going to play it in this room the second this episode ends. I asked you what's so true to you, and now I have a segment for you. Oh, fantastic. I'm going to read you 15 statements. Okay. And you're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, Briston, I'm going to give you 50 U.S. dollars. Like cash? Cold, hard? Yes, cold, hard cash. Okay.

True. False. False. False. True. False.

False. False. It's Brian Callahan. The Arctic Ocean is the smallest ocean in the world. I saw him at a cava one time. Side note. Can you say that one again? Mike Rabel? Yeah. The Arctic Ocean is the smallest ocean in the world. True. True. ATM stands for automated teller machine. What was the first? You said automated? True. True. Orca whales can speak fluent English.

False. False. Mr. Potato Head's real name is Longshanks Von Tuber. As much as I hope that was true, I'm going to say false. It's false. Captain Crunch's real name is Horatio Magellan Crunch. False. That's true. Fuck. Guitars were invented in 15th century Spain. False. True. What? Johnny Cash was six foot two. No. True. Salt Lake City has never hosted the Winter Olympics. False.

True. False. They did in 2002. Lipscomb University's mascot is Lou the Bison. I went there for one year and then I left there. Sorry. True. True. Uber and Lyft were founded by two feuding brothers. That's really cute and hopefully true. False. Fuck. Twister was the first movie released on DVD in the United States. False. True.

I thought that being confident would change. That is an approach that people take. I was trying to sway you into lying. People take the confidence approach and people also will take the...

like litigating the math out loud approach where they'll be like, well, Chevy is a car company and then of course trees exist in the woods. True. And it'll have nothing to do with it. Yeah, there's a bunch of different approaches to that. You went on a pretty good run there though. Thank you. I love that kind of shit. I kind of love being wrong in those games. It makes me feel like there's hope to learn more. Ha ha ha!

I love trivia. I'm super bad at it. I'm super bad at a lot of things, but I like being bad at them because it's like, well, maybe tomorrow I'll be better at it. Give me something to do. Briston, there's this dreamy quality about you that's very lovable. And it's having a good day and good vibes being so true and doing really bad at trivia and walking away. I'm just happy to be here.

Walking away positive that you have more to learn. This is what makes people fall in love with you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm trying to just be honest. Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm so, so glad that you came on the podcast. Thank you. This is like truly one of the best days I've had in a long time. I literally love you so much. I love you too. Thank you for being on. Thanks for having me. And I can't wait for your EP. I'm a huge fan of your music. I'll send it to you. Please do. And anyone who, if you haven't listened to Bristin's music, which I would find surprising, go and listen to it. You can find Bristin on the internet for a little bit longer and then maybe never again. Until my fall tour. Until the fall tour. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.