"David Cross"
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So the gum's back in. Wait, this is... Do you have a date or something? You can't even tell when I've got the gum. It's tucked in my lip. You forget. I never forget. We should tell people who we are first, or do they know by now? No, we're smartless, and this is our show, but Jesus, baby. I didn't know we were recording right now. I was yelling at you because we were about to record, and you just put gum in your mouth. We got to get to the show. Shut up. Spit your gum out, and we'll go.

Fine. There it is. Happy? Ew, don't put it behind your ear. What are you... I didn't. I put it on the table. This is smart less. Smart. Less. Smart. Less. Smart. Less.

I just listened to the radio this morning in the car, and it posed a really good question, and I kind of want to pose this to you guys. I think I know what it is. Who listens to the radio still? Is that the question? No, it just came on. But let me say this. Are you human or are you dancer?

What does that mean? Yeah, what does it mean? I don't know. It's a song by the Killers, which I like. I like the Killers a lot as a band. I feel like I'm both. I think I'm a human dancer. Is that a current band or an older band? No, no, that's a current band, Granddad. I mean, you know, they've had hits. They sound nasty. The Killers are, yeah, I like the Killers. They're really good. They're really good. They don't sound friendly. Oh, I know, because of the name you mean. Wait, are you intimidated by the Killers?

Well, I'd feel safer around, you know, unicorn wings. Is there a band called Unicorn Wings? Or Angel Breath? Angel Hair? Uh-huh. They don't sound real rockin', but they do sound like the kind of band I want to start my day with. Remember Cherry Pie by Whitesnake?

Well, it wasn't by White Snake. White Snake was Here I Go Again on my own. Cherry Pie was by Warrant. Oh, Jesus. How about that? How do you, I'm so scared that you know that. I know. You know what that reminds me of? That reminds me of that movie I want to see that you're in, Will, where you played like a death rock guy, like a hair band. Oh, the rocker. Yeah. Wait, didn't we have somebody on the podcast that was on that with you? We had. Was it with Galifianakis? Yes.

Galifianakis was not in it, but the rock band that we... Rainn Wilson was the lead, and he had been in a band that ended up becoming a huge hair band, and the band was me and Freddie Armisen and Bradley Cooper. Yeah. By the way, Bradley made the mistake of going day one...

I want to have all these tattoos. I want my character to have all these tattoos. We're like, okay. Okay, rookie. We'll see you for the three-hour pre-call in the hair and makeup trailer. Day three, hair and makeup trailer, where he's there three hours early. He's like, fuck, man, I really messed this one up. Yeah.

We've got to have Bradley on the show. I don't know. We can't book a star that big. We've got to dance a little faster first. I told him. We'll have him on after we have Obama on. Yeah. He's a post-Obama. Post-Obama booking. In order of billing. So we do billing. Will, this is your guest today? This is my guest. And my guest is kind of like the... He's the Bradley Cooper of comedy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll say that. Can we start guessing? Why don't you give us some hints? You know, we never try to really guess. Okay, yeah. We don't guess. Why don't you try to give us a couple of hints and let's see if we can get it. It's the Bradley Cooper of comedy. Okay. Now, do we buzz in or do we just blurt? Okay, our guest is a male. Well, because he would be the Bradley Cooper. You sound unsure. Comedic actor slash stand-up.

He's going to hate all of this, which is going to be great because he's really going to battle me on all of it. He's going to come at me hard on this. Is it stand-up? Well, he's going to make me feel foolish for A, our preamble, and B, my description of him. And you might, Jason, that might help you guess who it is if he's going to clown me. Somebody's going to clown you. I mean, is it Cross?

Is it a guy who wrote on the Ben Stiller show? Is it a guy who started one of the most impactful, certainly in my life, impactful comedies of all time, one of the great shows? We had his buddy on the show not too long ago. Bob Odenkirk. They created a show called Mr. Show. Well, this is David Cross. I already guessed it. The rest of the development is David Cross. Oh, it's David! Hey, guys. There he is. Hey. He's holding up some kind of pillow. Oh.

Oh, now he's making out with a face pillow. God, listener, if you could see this Santa Claus beard on our beautiful friend. No, you actually look like Baba Ram Dass. Thank you. You know who Ram Dass is? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh-huh. God rest his soul. My legally recognized great-godfather. Wow. In Rhode Island. What?

Wait, do you have other godparents who aren't legally recognized that you... Yeah, I mean, there's some that are pending, you know, and have been kind of in the pipeline for a while. Still being vetted. I've got about 52 in Wales. Oh, wow. And...

Uh, in the animal whales who've been like, they're inside. Yeah. Sorry. I didn't mean the country. Um, Oh, sorry. Well, I thought you meant the country. I was Googling the country. No, they're inside the bellies of a large mammals. Yeah. Sean, do you know, David, do you guys know each other? Yes, of course. I mean, we've run into each other millions of times. Yeah. We had that. We had brunch. David, is that a crib behind you? Uh, yes it is. Oh, bless your heart. Uh,

She can now get out of it, though. So we're in Toronto right now. She's 17. I don't know why you're still trying to keep her all boxed up. You know, just call it protective. I'm just looking out for her. And, you know, that's a big, scary world out there. Right. Wait, David, do you live in Toronto?

No, I'm here. My wife is working on a show up here, and because of COVID, we had to move the whole family. Right, because you can't go back and forth without a two-week. Yeah, exactly. You're playing Mr. Mom? Mm-hmm, yeah. During all this? I have been able to actually pick up even more work than my wife has. I'm very, very popular and successful.

Male breastfeeding doesn't count as an occupation, David. Well, says you. Maybe in Hollywood. What does your wife do, David?

Um, uh, my wife is Elizabeth Banks and she has produced, uh, the Pitch Perfect movies. No way. And, uh, a couple other movies. Does her husband know that you guys are together? Yeah. Yeah. Um, I'm, my wife is Amber Tamblyn and, um, she is, she does a lot of things, but in this. Don't plug this show. She's working right now. Don't say the name of it. Cause they don't deserve it. They don't deserve the plug.

Really? Have you seen it? What have you been hearing? No, I'm just saying, until they pay us, I don't want them to get the free plug. But Why the Last Man is what it's called. Based on a really great graphic novel. Have you ever read that? Have you ever read Why the Last Man? It's really good. Sorry, all bits aside, what is the book that it's based on? It's a graphic novel. It's the letter Y, like the chromosome. Y-

The Last Man. It's really good. It came out a long time ago. And do you do a lot of junkets for your wife? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's after you guys. I jump off here, I'm doing Ted Nadine. And then I'm doing...

I'm doing Randy Quaid's From the Bunker, it's called. From the Bunker. David, what side work have you truly picked up there in Toronto while she's working? I'm on a show called Station Eleven, which is a sci-fi thing based on a book. I also did a movie called 8-Bit Christmas.

Um, and I did, uh, an episode of what we do in the shadows, which was a blast. And you take the baby with you or does Amber take the baby with her? Who, who gets the baby on the set? Um, we have a widow's walk thing up on the top of the house. Yeah. She's safe up there. Yeah. And you just chain her to something, uh, that that's just short enough where she doesn't go over the edge.

Dude, I don't chain her. Sorry, rope. It's tied up, and it's not like a binding thing. She is attached. I don't chain her. It's a soft rope. It's a soft rope. Uh-huh. David, tell us about one of my favorite shows, which is Arrested Development. I just love what you did on that show. So the elephant in the room for the listeners is Jason, Will, and David all together were on Arrested Development. If you haven't heard us talk about it, it was the show...

Yeah, make sure he's on Fox. Sean, why don't you describe it? Sean, tell us who our characters were. Check the wiki page on this description, Sean. So they were all relatives on the show. Relatives, okay, good. They were all related. It's been a minute. What was the show about? Because it's been a minute for me.

Sure. So it was just about the Bluth family. That's pretty good. Did I get that right? Question mark? That's pretty good. Bluth and it was Jason's family and the chaos that Jason's character had to manage. Everybody was out of control. So Jason had to keep everybody together.

That sounds like you being dragged into Rupert Murdoch's office at News Corp back in 2005 on why it should be kept on the air. And that's why it got canceled. And you're really scared that not only the show is going to get canceled, but you're going to lose your job if you don't do a good job of explaining why this show is on the air. When was the last time we shot that show? How long has it been? It feels like a long time.

Right. Are you talking about the reshoots because of how fucked up the actual shoot was? Right. Yeah. Was it 10 years ago? Jason Standen? Yeah, we had a lot of Standens. There were several. Oh, really? Oh, my God. David, remember being up in like where we're like Santa Clarita and there's like all of us and we're shooting like in this weird...

All in a line so that we can't see Jason and we're talking to Jason Stanton and we keep fucking around with Jason Stanton. Well, what about we did that entire final season without Portia? Because she wasn't available or something like that. And then we ended up doing all of her scenes...

on like one or two days, she was by herself just against a green screen and they just cut her into everything throughout the season, right? Yeah, they just shuffled her in. Yeah, and then immediately people noticed. I mean, within hours of it. Seriously, within hours of it on... We didn't pull that off? Everyone's all over the internet going, what the fuck's going on with the green screen? People notice. David, let me ask you quickly because...

I forget how it went down, but I remember when we were doing the pilot, you were going to kind of do it. I remember Mitch pitched it to you, and you were like at first, is this right? And tell me if I'm wrong. You were kind of hesitant at first? Yeah, I didn't want to. I had basically just moved to New York after nine years in L.A. and wanting to get out of L.A. and found an opportunity and just –

literally got a U-Haul, threw my stuff in it, got a sublet and then just moved. And I would deal with all the ramifications later. And then I was kind of settled and I just didn't want to go back to do a show that potentially could run for years and years and years.

So you signed a one-year deal. He signed a series of one-year deals. No, but you did – you had like an out. You had like an – I said I'd only do it if it was part-time for like six episodes. And then we went to shoot the pilot, and that was the deal. And I talked to Joe and Anthony, and I talked to Mitch about the character, and I said, okay, I'll do it under these conditions. And then during shoot –

shooting the pilot i called my then girlfriend and i was like this show is amazing this cast is amazing i have to do it i'm so sorry i have to say and do this and it's over can you send my u-haul back you're fired but david i remember so many memories for me i remember from the pilot and one of them that really stuck out was we're doing we're shooting all that stuff

Lucille's penthouse, which, you know, obviously the set that we all got used to shooting on was modeled after, and it was just a function of a location. It was modeled after this suite at the Ritz Carlton and Marina Del Rey. Remember we shot down there? That's where we shot the pilot.

Yeah, and once we were locked into that look, that just became the look for the rest of the series. That was the only reason. It was like an available suite to shoot in. But I remember we were all shooting. We shot all those scenes upstairs over a few days, and we were staying at that hotel, I think, too, when we were shooting. It was weird. But I remember you having a scene with Jason, and we were kind of in the living room. Jason leaves, and he walks into the dining room, and he says, Tobias...

Like, how are you doing? How's it going? And you go, it's good. And then there's just a pause. It's going to be good. That was to me. It's going to be good. It's going to be good. And that moment to me, I was like, fuck, this show is fucking funny. David is so fucking funny. This is so fucking... There was something about that moment that stuck out to me. Well, that was also when we were kind of able to improvise a little bit more during the pilot and the first maybe...

half of the first season, you know, some of that stuff would make it in and you were encouraged to do that, which was kind of fun, you know? Yeah. I want to go back to that thing you said, which was really interesting. You made a deal where you only did the first six episodes or something. Is that what you said? Just six. Not the first six, but I wanted to, I didn't want to be a full-time, I didn't want to move back to LA. Yeah. I was just, all I heard was like, I'm an actor and I don't want to be in something successful. Yeah.

I don't want to be in something that's very long. That's counterintuitive. I really, I mean, mentally, I had to get out of LA. I was really, and it was good for me. And leaving LA and moving to New York was, I got back into standup and I went in a direction I had wanted to go through. And also I knew I had to get kind of that stuff out of my system, what I

spent the first couple years in New York doing and for my mental health I wanted to get out of LA. Yeah, I understand. A lot of actors would be like, oh my god, there's a job? Where is it? Okay, I'll be there ten minutes early. And you always had that. You've always had that. Don't mock me, Will. No, no, no. Jason, not everything has something to do with you for Christ's sake. God. No.

No, I don't buy it. It's so sad. David, you've forgotten, but it's worse than it was before. But I wouldn't say that you've gone against the grain, but you've always stood true to like kind of what you want to do. And you've always kind of done it your own way. You know, obviously there are things that happen and you have jobs that you have to do. And I'm not going to bring up the chipmunks. No.

But there are, not the first one, but the one that they forced you to do, like the third one or whatever it was. Right. Which was one of the funniest, and I want to get into that story of the battle you had with that person, which was so epic. But David, when you started, like, I always wondered, like,

Who are the people that you liked in comedy? Like, who are the people that you looked up to or when you were younger, you were like, yeah, I want to kind of do that shit because you've always done things to the beat of your own drum. I mean, I was, you know, as far as like stand-ups, and I think a lot of this is just because of, you know, I was in a rural part of Georgia, suburban rural area, a very heavily Southern Baptist, and I was a weirdo. And I was, you know, I mean, there was...

the amount of like anti-Semitic shit that people just assumed was okay to say to you. And that's changed? I mean, I think where I grew up now is all Atlanta's sprawling. Y'all shoot there. You know what it's like. I mean, it's a big city now. It's the San Francisco of the South. That's what they call it. Okay. Who calls it that? I think I've heard that. San Francisco calls it that.

I've read that in the San Francisco Chronicle. It's just like five times as big as it was when I was growing up. And, you know, I'm old. This was a long time ago and it was just not a good place. So you really – I, you know, got into comedy and kind of – I loved Monty Python. I would stay up –

even though it was uh i couldn't i couldn't physically stay up i tried to stay up and watch snl and any of that stuff and and i would watch stand-ups on the tonight show and um and i was way way way way way into andy kaufman and it adversely influenced my early stuff i was just a weirdo on stage nothing like i am now i mean i just it took me a long time to find my voice and

figure that thing out. But I was, I was like weird for weird sake, you know? But I wasn't in New York. I was at the punchline in Sandy Springs and people like, what the fuck is this? And, uh, right. And, um, I drive to Sandy Springs every single morning. Yeah. And Sandy Springs is closer to the city than where I was. I mean, I was further North and like Roswell, Alpharetta.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. That's gorgeous in Alpharetta. Horse country. Yeah. Well, I mean, now it's like all connected, but believe me, when I was there, it was – the high school hangout was McDonald's. It was like a McDonald's parking lot. That was it. There was nothing. For sure. It was one of those places. Yeah. And now, back to the show. I've been such a fan of yours, David, since Mr. Show with you and Bob and –

Forgive me if this did happen, but would you guys ever do that again? Have you guys ever talked about just, hey, you know what? We should go back and just do like 10 episodes or something. We don't own the names. That's why when we did something on Netflix, we did four episodes. Oh, you did. Okay. It was called With Bob and David because HBO. And there's a weird...

I'm sure you've witnessed this or know of it, but HBO and Netflix are like enemies. Yeah, they hate each other. They do not like each other. No, and they won't let people from... If you're on... I remember when we were doing Arrested and Tony Hale was on Veep at the time, remember? And HBO was like, he can be on a total of 19 minutes and he can't be on the... Remember he couldn't be on the cover of Entertainment Weekly? Yeah. Oh my God, that's right. Because HBO was like, no. That's so crazy. And it's like, man...

Come on. Okay. But they would not let us say Mr. Show, HBO. So we... So to this day, they still own Mr. Show, the name?

Yeah. I mean, it's a feeling like, watch this. We're going to keep this name forever. OK, like what? No, I don't I don't get that sense. I don't think they care that much. It's just sort of a blanket policy. Like, no, no, no. I guess if it becomes super successful on Netflix, then somebody worries that they'll lose their job. Like, how did you let them take this? Right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Tell me about LA and what it was about LA that felt kind of...

It wasn't a fit for you, right? I mean, I try to be really fair and I've never said or even felt the, you know, oh, it's a bunch of, it's bullshit and everybody's fake. I don't feel that way at all. In fact, and I've said this numerous times and I've cited you as a big part of this, is the people that are born and raised in LA are some of the coolest, most grounded people I know. And it's really the people who come in

you know, uh, from other places. From Chicago. Like Sean. Like Sean. Or people from Toronto. Um, who's coming with dreams. I mean, I mean from Canada, not, not other places. I didn't move to LA until I was 42. So give me a break. I lived in New York, but by the way, I just read this great article about the idea of like romanticizing, um, in the New Yorker. I don't know if you guys have ever heard of it. It's a magazine. Um,

This is well established on the show that neither Jason nor Sean ever read a book. But there was a great article about the idea of when people wear it as a badge, you know, that they're a New Yorker, that they love New York. I'm with you on the same thing of like, and I think I did it at a certain time. You and I were unarrested, obviously, at the same time. But we were both based out of New York, and we would fly, and we would often fly back and forth to,

And there was that temptation to be like, fuck everybody from L.A. And I felt the same way that you did. I was like, no, I know a lot of really great, smart, interesting, talented people in L.A. And that notion, it's kind of like the New Yorkers you meet here in L.A., older people who are like, yeah, I was born in, you know, I'm from New Jersey. You want so badly to be identified with New York. It's okay. It's better. Okay. There's a bigger defensive posture there.

from New Yorkers than there is a defensive posture of people from LA, right? - New York is the only place where people will preface their sentences with like, well, I'm from New York and you know. I'm from LA and we, I'm from Chicago and we, you know, nobody does that except New Yorkers. And, you know, they're equally annoying in their own way. And what I don't care for about LA

isn't about the people. It's just, it's a, it's a great city for certain personality traits. And I, the things that are good about LA and attractive about LA, I don't give a shit about the ocean. I don't, I don't, the Pacific ocean does nothing for me. I don't surf. You don't want to be able to surf and ski in the same day. I thought that was the big seller. You know, I like walking. I like density. I like community. I,

So where's the most ideal place you would, and you think you would end up living? You would choose to live? Bloomington, Indiana. I'm getting myself set up for it. You should have led with that. I'm a bloomer. I'm a bloomer. No, I bought a place in New York. I love New York. I've always loved it. Since I was a kid, I would go there. I'm trying not to be like snobby about it, but New York has the things that I appreciate and,

And I bought a brownstone and, you know, I set up basically roots there. I plan to live there, you know,

for the rest of my life and my daughter is going to go to school which is 11 days by the way it's 11 days did you just hear that really yeah yeah you got a cross forecast yeah i feel so dude i feel shitty being the one okay man i've i've had a good life and you know i don't let me pull this gun out for god no no no no no it was a bit it was a bit it was a bit it was a bit it was a bit

Look, I feel the same way you do. You know, I love New York, too, and I ended up selling my... Because all these New Yorkers who are listening are going to be like, you don't fucking get it. Like, fuck off. I lived there for almost 25 years, and I just sold my apartment, but I have a place on Long Island. I love New York, too. For all the reasons that you said, yeah, it's the best. And also...

I get why people don't like it. I get it. I understand. I understand why some of that stuff is annoying people. They don't want to deal with it. They'd rather have space. They'd rather have, I don't like the weather in LA. I like the weather, you know, some of the time, but I like, I like four seasons. Yeah, I don't like sweating on Christmas. It gets, it's pretty depressing out here right around Christmas when it's 75. Yeah. And David, are you still doing standup? Is it something you continue to do on a regular basis? And if not, do you miss it when you're not doing it?

Well, I mean, I have to answer that because of COVID differently than I would. Because of what? You don't believe that. Am I pronouncing that correctly? Savai? Savid? Company vid. Company video.

The guys at company video right now are like, are you fucking kidding me? And they just founded it in 2019. Yeah. Unbelievable. The timing. This is the fucking worst. Debbie Johnson in here right now.

First AIDS and now company video. I invested heavily in that candy. The perfect acronym.

So stand up. Yeah, I always do it. It's kind of my first love and the thing that I miss more than anything when I don't get to do it. And I was actually about a... I have like three steps of getting material ready to go out on the road again. And I was through step one, which is kind of culling all the material before I start honing it and stuff like that. And I've been doing...

Sets around New York and like little basements in Brooklyn that seat, you know, 99, you know, a couple hundred people, no more than that. And I was ready to, I was just about getting into phase two when COVID hit. And so I haven't, I haven't done standup. I did a couple of outdoor shows that just didn't work. And are you going to kind of pick back up where you were? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. I have so much stuff. I'm dying to get out there. Yeah.

David, I love, you know, the guys know, we ask this to a lot of people because I'm obsessed with horror stories about like the word. Horror. Horror. Okay, good. Okay. I just want to, because when you get slurry, it's a little, it's a different question. Sean, you got to enunciate. Open your mouth like this. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Tip of the teeth at the time. Tobias did that once. I loved it. Horror.

horror stories about like stand-up or on a movie set or your favorite horrible like theater story. I love those stories. Do you have any like... David's got a million of them. Are you kidding? Yeah. Because Will talked about, mentioned earlier about the chipmunk thing and I want to know that story. Oh yeah, let's do... Okay, so you're doing Alvin. You do the first one that's super successful.

Yeah, the first two were fine. I mean, nobody expected it to make a billion dollars, but, you know, I got paid well. And you've also, not only did you get paid well, I've been with you many times where people, like, go crazy and their kids love it and they come up to you. Yeah, my daughters are like, why doesn't that guy hang out more often? You said you're friends with him. Yeah. So this is Alvin and the Chipmunks. Kids who are now not kids anymore, but.

I'll tell you this very, very quick little anecdote about the global popularity of Alvin the Chipmunks. I was in Mozambique in a rural beach, like a strip of beach where you had to go through jungle to get to the beach. And it was a part of Mozambique that wasn't populated and was...

a long way to go to get to, uh, where they had very few kind of huts and hot, you know, not hotels, nothing fancy at all. And it's along the Indian ocean, just no one there. And, but no, there's no city. There's no, there's no streets. This is an hour from any kind of town. I go through and there was, uh, this, uh, there was like this bullshitty rave thing at the, uh,

Well, first of all, hang on. How dare you? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You have a problem with glow sticks in your teeth? Come on.

And do I have a problem with glow sticks in my sand? And so I was like, fuck this place. Let's see if there's anything. And I walk like half a mile down the beach to another outcropping of, you know, hot places. And I walk in and there's, you know, probably a woman in her like late 30s, early 40s. And like, hi, do you speak English? And she looks up and she goes, Alvin and the Chipmunks. I'm like, oh my God.

Oh, my God. That's crazy. You should have steadfastly, you should argue, like, what are you talking about? Look, lady, I'm not here to talk about my career. I'm not working right now. I'm not working right now. Do you want to take a photo real quick? Oh, my God.

So it's a huge movie. So it's a huge movie. You do the first couple. The third one, you were working on, David and I, Sean, David and I did a show over in the UK that David created called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. Yeah, I love that show. And we did...

Shoe Seasons or three? I can't remember. We did three, but this was happening during the second. During the second. And you were in the middle of writing the second one. You had all these hard dates to write it and then production. We were in pre-production. We had already started pre-production. And, you know, obviously, you guys know this affects, there's a domino effect that would affect everything.

you know, up to 100 people who are, you know, cast and crew and all kinds of people. Anyway, so yes, I was contractually obligated to do the third one. We had been asking for nine months, I'd say every seven to 10 days, am I going to have to be in it because of the Todd Margaret situation?

And we don't know. We don't think so. Maybe, yes, there's a possibility. No, it doesn't look like it. Well, it's a strong possibility. You know, just constantly changing. And then we got kind of a...

enough of a go ahead that doesn't look like you're going to be in it. Okay. So I go to London and, um, you know, start setting up and, and me and Mark Chappell, who you know well, and, and Sean Pye, we start writing, we've got the production offices, we're in pre-production. This is right before Christmas. And my wife, who was not my wife at the time, uh, was over there. We're

I remember exactly where we were. We were in Harrods and my phone rang and it was my manager and I answer it. I go, hi, David. I have, and then list everybody on my team, right? You know, I have him and Jason and then Harris and, and I know when you, when your whole team calls, it's one of only two things. It's either really good news or really bad news. And I go, okay. And I,

motion Amber, I go, I got to take this outside. I walk outside. And then the very first thing I hear is, are you sitting down?

I'm like, I just know it's bad. I'm like, okay. You said you think it's easy to get a seat at Harrods on a Saturday? And they tell me that not only am I going to be in the third Chipmunks, remember this is shortly before Christmas, not only am I going to be in the third Chipmunks, I'm featured heavily in it. Also, I need to be in Hawaii where it's shooting for rehearsals.

uh, on January 3rd, I think it was, and I'm freaking out and, and they're all anticipating me freaking out and they're telling me how awful they've been and how, uh, and how they said I couldn't do it. Cause, and they go, well, we'll just sue him for breach of contract and blah, blah, blah. And, um, and keep in mind, I was nothing but professional. I, I, I think I elevated the part in the movies. I, I, uh,

And, you know, and so I didn't know where this was coming from. It was really not cool. And, you know, and obviously explained all the things about I'm in production. This is going to affect 100 people. We can't do this. I can't even be there. I would have to go to New York to get my stuff and then fly to Hawaii. I have to go home first. I don't even have anything. I can't. 30 hours of flying.

But the kicker is, tell our listener what your basic costume is going to be. Right. This is great. Well, this is kind of a separate issue. So, yeah, I'm in a pelican mascot outfit today.

Completely unrecognizable. You're inside a mascot studio. So you can't even tell it's him. That's hilarious. He's in a... But, you know, I think you guys are conflating two different stories. The other part of this, once we figured it out and I'm like, we had to put it on hold and it was just really...

awful for all the uh the production folks and and the writers and the and the cast who had been cast uh in london todd margaret states and for todd margaret uh chappy chappy took it chappy chappy took it really hard poor mark chapel chappy took it really hard you got really chapped well chappy and we should just stop the podcast one point to say that mark chapel our good friend um

He's a very sensitive fellow. And, you know, just our thoughts go out to him today. Keep going, Dave. Sorry. Rest in peace, Mark. Wait. Oh, he's gone? Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Mark, do not rest in peace. Not dead. I just mean I want him to rest peacefully. Oh, when he rests. Okay, well, that's nice. That's a nice sentiment. That's sweet. Okay.

So, yeah. So then we work it out. I'm like, you know, there's nothing to rehearse. And they're like, and they're just making excuses. They're being really, really mean and petty and vindictive for what reason I don't know. They're just blindly exercising their option. Like, no, we own him, so we want him for the run of the production. We'll decide what days he works. Yeah. Yep. And they, and, and, but they were like, we need to get his sizes. I'm like, haven't changed. I,

Same shoe size? I'm in a mascot outfit, guys. I'm in a pelican mascot outfit. So sizes don't apply. What are you talking about? I don't need to rehearse. I mean, everything I do is on green screen anyway. What are you talking about? And so we eventually got him to let me go back to New York to at least dump my stuff off and get new clothes to bring to Hawaii and Vancouver where the film was finished. But what you were referring to was...

And this is worse. This is, I don't know if anybody's ever been on a cruise, cruise ship. No, I try to avoid that. Sean, it's where you started, right? Oh, yeah. That's where. Hollywood days, Hollywood ways. Hi, I'm Sean Hayes with Hollywood Hayes Ways.

Oh, you've seen my show. Thank you. Welcome to the Carnival's Relax-a-thon. You haven't been on a cruise, but you have cruised. Yeah. Sorry, those are... 10 to 12 every night. Every night? Yeah, yeah. And why just 10 to 12? Because that's when they're out. That's when everybody's out. You got to pack up early, I guess. Yeah, I got to...

I got to make my head work. He's very organized. Look at his shelf. He's very organized. He also works real fast. He does work fast and hard. By the way, nobody works harder and faster than Sean Hayes. Sean will call you and go like, we have five things to discuss. We have to do them and it has to be done in the next 30 seconds. You're like, hang on a second, man. Anyway, so David, you get to... That is me. So there's two weeks where...

They're shooting on a cruise ship, Carnival, the Carnival Dream, I believe, at that point in time, the second largest cruise ship out on the seas. Stop bragging. So as scripted, the Pelican outfit is on the entire time for the bits that take place on the cruise ship.

And it's an actual cruise that you guys are shooting on. Oh, here's... Yeah, this... There are so many digressions here because they did not tell the people on the cruise ship that they were shooting and they would, you know, section off...

And I had a whole PowerPoint presentation that I would do in my stand-up where I had images, and I did it to Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings. Yes, the platoon. That would play while I played the slides, and I did it like Ken Burns style. And then you would see the real people, the patrons of the cruise ship, and then you'd see the hot extras that they brought in to be on the cruise ship. Right, right.

The disparity was glaring. The disparity is quite interesting. And let me guess, it probably wasn't cold on this Hawaii cruise while you're inside this Pelican fluffy mascot outfit too, right? Oh, Ozarks.

That's where I knew you were from. Okay. This has been bugging me and bugging you. Oh, you've seen it? Have you checked it out? I've seen the ad. It's very blue. It's a dark blue. Very blue. That's your TV setting. I get that a lot. Everybody does not calibrate their television correctly. It's actually amber. It's very amber. All right. Back to the show.

David, I want to ask you one last question, if you would. You, I feel like you were one of the first people that I know who does what we do, who went kind of, oftentimes people bring shows or formats from Europe, specifically the UK, and bring them to America and generally make them worse, try to remake them or whatever. You're one of the first people that I knew who kind of went the other way early on. You were, I remember when we were doing Todd Margaret, you called and you were like, hey, I'm working on this thing with these guys, you know, on this podcast.

at the time, writing this pilot. Remember, we did a table read one year, and then the next year shot the pilot, and then the next year shot the first season with the Russos. But you kind of had the idea to go over there. Like, you identified what? That they were going to give you a green light, that they got your sensibility, or that that was just a whole untapped...

Mark, it was unusual. You kind of did it in reverse. Well, yeah, I had, I didn't have that much to do with it though. It was, uh, it was clearly a Jane who approached me, uh, they're doing standup actually. And, um, and they came to one of the shows and said, you know, do you want to do something for, uh, we, I think it was with channel four. Um, yeah. Uh,

I was like, I was just done the show and we were drinking and I was like, yeah, whatever. You know, they gave me a card. Okay, thanks. You seem like nice ladies. And I didn't even think about it for like two or three days later. And I was like, hey, wait, I should do something. That lady gave me her TV card. And so they were the ones who kind of had the idea of doing a co-production and then doing it, you know, with Channel 4. I don't know if

if they had a deal or not, but it was, it was really their idea. And I should say it's now it's Merman productions, which is hugely successful. Sharon Horgan. Yeah. And do you feel, do you feel, can you take credit for Sharon Horgan's career? Do it right now. Absolutely. Absolutely. She wouldn't be nowhere without me. She wouldn't have done. Yeah.

prior to me meeting her. I can't wait for the email from her. David, you just reminded me of something when you were talking about drinking. I remember us partying just a little bit back in the arrested days. You mean when you climbed the lamppost? I don't remember that. Remember that night? I remember that. Wait, what were you there? Hang on. No, I left earlier because it was getting... We left somebody's house...

and it got bad and then i was like fuck this because you guys were getting too drunk and then what are you talking about are you being serious about a lamppost yeah remember i had jason's belt for like a year yes and we the whole idea was we were gonna wait years to give it to you and then we just forgot it i have no recollection of a lamppost what are you talking about what what happened on the lamppost david tell him david you climbed up a lamppost

No, you did. You did, dude. I swear on my kid's life, I don't remember what you're talking about. I don't. I just remember being really... Impressed with my climbing skills? Yeah. That's what it is. No, I just remember the next day, David going, I said, did it get worse after I left? And David was like, well, at one point, we were trying to pull Jason down off a lamppost. And I was like, oh, okay. It was in front of Laura Stupsker's apartment. We were over at Laura Stupsker's, and...

I don't know what made you climb up the lamppost, but you climbed up. It was like a big one. It was like not, you know. Sounds dangerous. Was I in danger? Yeah. What was I doing up there? Was I trying to save me a cat? Mainly Coke. Honestly, Jason, I think the tiniest little flake of Coke

came up in your hand, the wind took it and was up on the pole. And you were just, that was it. You were. That's the last of it. I'll get it. But my question is, my life has changed significantly since I have procreated and gotten married. My question is to you, has your life changed significantly since your sweet, sweet baby little girl and big, big baby girl?

Yeah, very much so. I only do Coke once a week now. Good for you. Good for you, David. Moderation. Good. I just don't do anything anymore. I mean, I still drink, but not excessively. And I don't want to. I don't have the desire. You want to get up early and you want to be with your family. Yeah, I mean, that was part of it, like being kind of hungover and...

I think it was Amber's turn to be with her in the morning. But you get up late and you're like, what am I doing? This is crazy. I remember one time years ago I hurt my knee. We were in New York and I hurt my knee doing something. And I called David and I said, I don't know what to do. My knee hurts. And you go, oh, I got a couple things that could probably help. And I go, really? And he goes, yeah. So I was in the West Village. And so I went over to his apartment in the East Village.

And he just like in his hand, this is like 2004, like in his hand, he's just got a bunch of loose stuff. He's like, I think this might be something. I think this might be something. I was pretty bad. I do not. It's nothing I'm proud of. And I don't, I don't. I took it. I took it. And the knee felt great. David, what's the worst that happened to you when you were under the influence of something? Were you ever arrested for being drunk or anything?

I had a DUI that was knocked down to whatever a DUI is. Knocked down to a hard partying. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, he was just hard partying. I spent the night in jail in LA, lock up with like a hundred other, that was brutal. Really? Wait, what was that like? Spending the night with a hundred, I would not do well with that. It was fucking awful. Let me tell you that initially I was,

I was smiling. I thought this is kind of, you know, I was in the little, the area they put you in with like, you know, it's smaller and there's like four or five other guys, right? While they're processing everything, you can see all the cops and they're, I don't know if you've ever been down there. It's a big, big, big room. It looks, you know, it looks like the DMV and then there's a little, you know, cells they put you in.

There were a couple other guys in there. And also I was on a date. I was on a first date, so I had like a nice sweater, you know? You had a nice sweater on. I had a nice sweater. A sweater set. I had some product in my beard, you know? And I was – I really stupidly, naively was like, this is fun. This will be a good story. I'll get out of here. I'm not drunk. This is fine, whatever. And I'm in there for maybe –

maybe 45 minutes and the guy, you know, there's like double glass things into another room. And this guy comes up, I'm like looking out, this guy walks up and just spits on, you know, on his side of the glass at me. And I'm like, Oh geez, that's not very nice. And then, and then,

And I'm like talking to these guys too, like, what are you in for? You know, whatever. And then I think I'm completely under the illusion that I'm going to be let out any minute now. And they kind of announced my name. They opened the door. I go, yeah, okay, see you.

See you guys. And they lead me down, not towards the desk, but lead me down this hallway. Wrong way. And the fluorescent lights and the, you know, puke green thing. And I'm like, huh, what? And they're like, pick a mattress, pick a pillow. You're like, there's literally these like,

sheets that are rubbery things that are as thin as my pinky and just kind of a hard pillow thing. I'm like, wait, what's going on? And they take me down about a

you know, another eight things, turn left here, walk on this side, don't go on that side, stay on this side, walk down here. And then they open up this cell with probably, I'm going to guess like 60 other guys, a toilet, you know, just a toilet right there. And they get to the wall and they,

You immediately went and took a dump. That would be a strong move. If you walked in and did a beeline. I started to do a set. I went over and I was like, yo, yo. By the way, David, you did a night in prison, which is bad. But Jason, tell him one time at the Golden Globes, he had to sit in the upper level. Oh, yeah. He was in the second. At what point did they take your cardigan from you?

You know what? They let me keep it. They thought I looked cute in it. A lot of winks. I've had a lot of winks. A lot of heavy winks. A lot of wet winks. I love the strong move to go take a dump real quick, giving a hard look. Immediately. And never break eye contact with everybody. Guys, you don't want to be over here. That guy's psycho. That guy's a fucking psycho.

Wow. So how long ago was that, David? And don't say a year ago. No, no. I was living in LA. That would have been like 94.

five or something like that. Oh, so like, like Mr. Show time. It was like maybe Mr. Show. We've done one seat, you know, did four episodes, something like that. It was way, way, way early. Did you get any sleep that night in the, in the lockout? No, no, but they also do this thing where they blasted, uh, ACDC and they kept the lights on. And then I don't know what time I got out. It was early. It was probably like nine 30 in the morning, but I did the classic, uh,

not intentionally, I got out and, you know, the light, the LA sun was so harsh and I'd been inside. I did that, the classic like, you know, with the sun streaming through. I can't see. I can't. Hailed the taxi? Was somebody there to pick you up or did you get in the cab? No, I think I pulled, I think I had to pull my car over so my car was where

In fact, do you know, I don't know if this will ring a bell, downtown, there was like a fountain with really brightly colored flashing. Then I got the DUI because I did a UE. There was nobody on the road. I just was with a girl like, oh, let's check that out. Let's go over to that fountain and just kind of did a U-turn. Did you ever have another date with that girl? No. No. No.

No. Huh. Shocker. Yeah. She didn't even pick you up the next morning? No, it wasn't. We just weren't meant to be dating. Clearly. It was not about the... The universe sent you a real clear message on that one. Sean, when was the last time you were incarcerated? Yeah. Don't lie. What time is it? Wow.

Have you ever been locked up? Wait, wait. I didn't know you could do sound effects. Sean, have you been locked up? I was in college. I stole a turkey sandwich from a 7-Eleven. Bless your heart. And I had no money, and I stole it. And outside, I was throwing the tomatoes at cars. Oh.

Before I eat it, I was completely intoxicated. It was just delirious with hunger. Yeah. By the way, 7-Eleven, Japanese company. I was looking it up on Wikipedia this morning. Is that really? I don't know why. Yeah. Yeah, you got that good read in the New York Times. Yeah, did you read that story in the New York Times? Yeah, we're not changing the subject, though, Will, here. When was the last time you were incarcerated? Yeah.

Who, me? Yeah, you. Never? Never. Never once. Come on. You're so soft. Too smart. Yeah. Well, I don't know. When is that? Talk my way out of anything. Mm-hmm. And we've talked our way out of David. David, we've taken up way too much of your time. Dude, thank you for doing this. Oh, man. Absolutely. If anything, if nothing else, it's reminded me how much I miss hanging out with you. Yeah. Come on. Yeah.

I miss you guys too. I really do. Sean, not so much, but you guys for sure. Nothing interesting going on. It's very good to see you. Very good to hear your voices. You too, man. Thank you for being here, David. Love you, David Cross. Love you, David. You're the best. This is a blast. Very good to see you. Sean, Jason. Will. Will. Will. All right.

So I just leave, right? Yeah, you just leave and that's it. It's just over. Okay, man. Thank you guys. Thanks, David. Bye, pal. Don't be strangers. We won't. See you guys. Bye, buddy. He's the best.

I mean, it really was just a perfect blend of people on that set and that cast. He's got such a unique... Perspective. ...space there, yeah. And, oh, God, I really, really miss listening to him. Same here. I always found, like, he really... He's one of those...

You know, when you play, like if you play somebody in a tennis or you play whatever with somebody who's better than you, it ups your game. And I always felt that way with David. Like I felt like he just always upped the game in every scene. He's so committed. And sometimes he would come in and be so committed as Tobias. His delivery is so fucking funny and dry. So funny.

So fucking good. He's so clearly not concerned with... And I don't... He doesn't mean this, I don't think, in an obstinate way, but, like, he... I think he genuinely doesn't care what people think. No, he doesn't. In the best sense of the... You know, he's...

he's really brave and unique with his, as you said, with his comedic deliveries, with the way in which he conducts a conversation, with the people he chooses to hang out with. He's completely self-sufficient. And I did admire that a lot when we were working together. I was just reminded by it. And I think that also he's got that thing where he is, you know, his...

his comedy is so funny. It can be kind of acerbic and it can be sometimes almost feel controversial, but he is, as Jason will tell you, he's very sweet. He's such a sweet guy. And the more you get to know him, there's more to love about him. And what's crazy about the Mr. Show thing, I was thinking like that they don't own Mr. Show with Bob and David. They should just change it to Mr. Show. Bam!

Bye. That was horrendous. Smart. Less. Smart. Less. If you like Smartless, you can listen early and add free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.