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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn.com slash results.
LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. This episode is brought to you by Hulu. Hulu Anime Ahem is your animation destination to watch full seasons and new episodes of your favorite animated shows. Get ready to be bowled over, have your socks knocked off,
and get thrown for a loop, all in one convenient streaming location. Stream stone-cold animated favourites like Family Guy, Futurama and Bob's Burgers. And you can also catch Solar Opposites, Hitmonkey, American Dad and tons more. Plus, watch some of the freshest animated series around like The Great North, Grimsburg,
Crapopolis, and so many more. - That's right guys. If you're looking for your favorite animated shows, there's only one destination you need to remember. - Hulu Anim Mayhem, your animation destination now streaming on Hulu. I'll put my hat out. Stop. I'll say, "Babe, stop." - Stop, stop, stop, stop. - You're ruining the whole thing. - Is this a prank? - Yeah, facts. I thought you were buff. - Yeah, yeah. - After watching all of this? - Yeah. - I don't understand.
- Right guys, as you already know, we start the show with energy, hype, charisma, and a bit of foreplay. - Oh, you wanna do foreplay now? - Why not? - You're not selfish this week. - I'm not selfish this week. - Give me that energy, energy. Give me that energy, energy. - Come on, come on. Yeah, man, yeah, man. - Give me that energy, energy. - You might already know what the time is. It's time for the question of the week. And the question of the week this week was,
Something light, something simple, something nostalgic. What's your best your mom/dad joke? - Oh, okay. - Very nostalgic. - That is hella nostalgic. - Hella nostalgic. - All right, cool. - We grew up poor, they were the joke. Starting off strong. Starting off strong. - Oh wow, okay. - Your mom's so fat, Thanos had to clap.
Cool. I just got it. Cool. I just got it. Cool. All right, bet, bet, bet, bet, bet, bet, bet. All right, cool. Your mum's so dumb, she spent hours looking at the orange juice carton because it said concentrate. All right, cool. Cool, cool, cool. Your mum's so short, she climbed Mountain Dew. Cool. Not bad. These are cool, man. They're cool. Your mum's so hairy, her OF got reported for bestiality. LAUGHTER
- Wow. - Your mom jokes have come up. - Yeah, they have. I've got like half your mom's and half your dad's. - All right, pause. - Yeah, thanks. I thought I'd get away with it. - All right, cool. I thought I got half your dad's. - Pause. Your mom's so dumb, she thought seaweed was the stuff SpongeBob smokes. - All right, cool. - Cool. Your mom's so fat, they said it was chilly outside, so she brought a bowl. - Okay.
It's chilly outside. I might go for a bowl outside. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Your mum's so fucking stupid. Okay, sorry. Go on, go on, go on. Your mum's so fucking stupid. Oh, God. Go on, go on, go on. Okay. Your mum's so fucking stupid, she thought...
It's a fucking... The fuck you're saying to me, man? Flip's sake. Fix up, man. Right. Okay. Go on, go on, go on. Your mum's so fucking stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund. Damn, okay, cool. This one, hook, line and sinker. Yeah. Your mum is Jada Pinkett Smith. Yeah.
- She's coming for blood this year. She's come for blood this year. - Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. - She's left with just on a boat with notifications off. - It's mad, it's mad. - Oh God. - Your mom's so ugly, she had to tie a pork chop around her neck just so the dog could play with her. - Jesus. - Your dad ain't half the man your mom is. - God, Jesus. All right, Pep. - Your dad sells Avon.
Do you remember that? Of course I do. Wow. Avon. That had stay-at-home moms gassed for a minute. Yes. Gassed for a minute. They thought they had jobs. Yeah. Wow. Your dad fakes jellyfish stings to get pissed on by strangers. Random. That is random. Jesus. Cool. Your dad bites his lip when he wipes his arse.
- Yuck. - That's disgusting. - Yeah. - That's disgusting. - Yuck. - Your dad hoovers with boxing gloves and calls himself Mike Dyson. - Jesus, all right. - Your dad's so fat, his blood type is Nutella. - Cool, cool. - I bet you dip your Oreos in water 'cause your dad hasn't come back with milk. - Oh shit. All right, cool.
Your dad's so fucking fat he gave memory foam Alzheimer's. Oh, damn. That's pretty smart. Yeah, that is pretty smart. All right, cool. Your dad's so fat he brought a spoon to the Super Bowl. All right, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Last one. Your dad wanks on all fours. Whoa. I bet. Oh, man, my head's spinning, man. On all fours.
- Wow. - His back must curl when he nods. - Wow. And that's just standing in carpet. That's just standing in carpet. You can't catch stuff like that. - God, bro, it's flying off. - And this one puts a towel down. - Yeah, it's long. - Or a yoga mat. - Oh, Jesus.
- Rolls that bitch off afterwards. - Oh God. - That's hilarious. - All right guys, welcome back man. - Welcome back. That was short and just quick. - That was short and sweet, G. I like that. - Yeah man, yeah man, yeah man. Get the juices flowing. - Yeah man, yeah man. Welcome back guys. Thank you for joining us today. - As per. - As always guys, if you are a fan in the slightest, if you're like, this is all right, I can live with this. Head on over to patreon.com/shitsandgigs. And all you're gonna do is reach
shallowly into your pocket. - Not even deep bro. - Yeah, not even deep. - Nowhere near deep, a shallow. - A young shallow three pound a month. - 10p a day. - Run the P to S and G. - Facts. - And you're a top boy now. - Facts. - Your whole life you've been vexed 'cause you're a bottom boy and there's nothing you can do about it. Turns out all it cost was three pound. - That's it. - And you're a top boy now. - Facts, turns out I'm a top girl. - Or a top girl. - Yep, that's what it looks. - From bottom to the top. So start at the bottom. - Now we're here. - Come on! - Let's go. - We're in sync today. - Let's go. - That's flipping better man.
Honestly guys, the last few weeks have been tragic. We're in sync today. All right, we're cooking. Guys, big announcement as well, okay? - Pay attention guys. - Pay attention. So along with subscribing to this channel, 'cause we have to plug ourselves first. Selfish lovers. - Facts. - We, okay, let me actually, let's bring the volume down. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, concentrate. - Obviously, let me get serious with you guys for a minute. You really know that we've been daddies in the game for a minute, obviously.
Some of you weren't true believers. So we had to put our CEO hats on. CEO hats on. And we had to branch out. Yeah. So your boys are in the... Acquiring business. Acquisition business now, yeah? Your boys are in the partnership business. Production style. Facts. So now...
We've opened our arms and we've embraced the lovely Madam Joyce. - We have. - And her sensational show, "Cocktails and Takeaways," which is now under the S&G umbrella. The beautiful, cozy, cult umbrella. - Let's go. - Now extends to "Cocktails and Takeaways." - It does indeed. - And we expect you guys to show her equal respect
Equal respect, equal love. Admiration. Admiration. Enjoyment. Facts. So guys, head on over to Cocktails and Takeaways channel. Hit that subscribe button. Facts. We've just done a big, big, big, big, big rebrand. Big relaunch. New studio. New content. New everything. Everything. So, and...
Obviously, her first guests were yours truly. Facts. Who else would it be? It was a paying episode. If we had drank some stuff we didn't want to drink. Pause. Come on. And we had a good time. We had a good time. I drank some stuff I didn't want to drink. Pause. I had a terrible time. Terrible.
Terrible time. My belly was cooking. Oh, from my lungs? I don't know why, but my lungs were hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So head on over there, guys. Enjoy the episodes. They're going to be coming out every week. And this is very, very, very exciting. We're super, super stoked. It is, guys. And super happy for Joyce. And yeah, man. Enjoy.
Now back to the selfish lovers. Subscribe to our channel first. If you're watching on YouTube, subscribe to the channel. Chirps the thing in the comments. Like the video if you like the video. If you're listening on any audio platforms, leave a nice review. It actually does stuff. It does. You might not think it does stuff, but it actually does stuff. It does. It cooks. It cooks, bro. So please, please, please, please, please, please do that. And by the time this comes out, we're recording this now in past tense. By the time this comes out, your boys are going to be...
- I know we're not. We're gonna be, actually no, we're gonna be to New York. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - By the time this comes out, we're gonna be to New York after a young week in LA. - Yeah. - So we're coming out to the States guys, don't get gassed. - 'Cause we're gonna be minding our business. - Yeah, fucks. We're gonna be making money. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - We're gonna be doing business, staying on business. - Staying on business, yeah. - We're staying on business in America, yeah? So if you see us, step back.
Because you don't know me like that. You literally don't know me like that. Step back, bro. Step the fuck back, bro. But also, it's love. It's love? Yeah. Once you've felt the fear of my aura, it's actually love. Come in for a hug. So if you see us, come in for a hug after you step the fuck back. Because we're standing on business. We're going to let you man know that we run all the turfs.
We run all the turfs. All right, Bep. So, Rem's not in today. He isn't. Again. Again. So there's no top five today. There isn't. If you're vexed by it, send your abuse to his DMs. Facts. All the comments for the world to see.
what we are going to do so we're going to pass you over to five off wakes come on big daddy if you had he's going to hit us with a dilemma yes sir and the dilemma of the day is so i've been in a relationship with a girl for about seven months now and we were close friends for a year before we finally got together everything is great she's funny peng our vibes are immaculate but she comes with somewhat of a red flag
So she proclaims to have a lot of close guy friends and she's not shy about it. She says she has like 10 or so close friends who are guys in brackets. She does also have close girlfriends, but she usually hangs out with these guys alone. Dot, dot, dot. Sometimes it's two or three guys. Sometimes it's two or three guys and her or sometimes it's just her and one guy.
She's even been to restaurants with one of them, which I said I wanted to take her to. Oh, damn. Techie. Now, her being friends with guys doesn't actually bother me. And I have girlfriends and we both trust each other. But the part that makes it a red flag to me is that half of these guys she is close to have at one point admitted to being in love with her or have asked her out. How many, sorry? Ten.
She's got 10 close male friends plus. And all of them have proclaimed love? How many have proclaimed love? Yeah. Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All of them at some point or another? Yeah, yeah. At some point or another, all of them. So where was I? At one point I've been in love or I've asked her out or tried to ask her out. She rejected them, obviously, but I find it weird that she's going to restaurants alone slash bantering with them.
If they have had these feelings and as a guy, I don't know if they would actually be over her if they're still like that. I was her close guy friend before being with her, so I know that her banter with guys is naturally quite flirty. The second thing is that she still hasn't told a lot of them that we're together.
I asked why and she said that it would just make it weird between them slash she doesn't want people to know about intimate details in her life. Okay, yeah, I'm done with this. So, am I being unreasonable finding that weird and voicing my concerns? She says that it's not weird and I should drop it. Advice. She is a whore. She's clapped one of them. She hangs around with 10...
I don't have 10 friends. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have 10 friends. Yeah. She hangs out with 10 breads, goes to, she's been to a restaurant with one of them. That he wants to take her to. That he asked to take her to. She hangs around with three or four of them at a time. Sometimes it's just one to one. At some point in their relationships, all 10 of them, I said, I either want to bang you, I fancy you, or I'm in love with you. Mm-hmm.
And he started off as a bredrin as well. Oh, I missed that bit. Yeah, he started off as a bredrin as well before becoming her man. Oh, he was number 11. And he broke through the friend zone. And it's basically like, if I can break it through, any one of these motherfuckers can break it through. So what's the difference between me breaking it through and someone else? It's the law of physics. She's like, fucking drop it. They're just friends. The thing is, in those scenarios, she...
From what I can assume of this context only, she is clearly benefiting from having these 10 male friends. Yeah. Whether it be sexually or not, she's going on quote unquote friendship dates. She's getting these men that are infatuated with her to do stuff for her. And she's just leaving, living a soft life and having a man on the side. Bro. And also she's told me that
Me and her together. I'm the only one out of these 11 guy friends that's made it through the friend zone. And now I'm her man. But she won't tell the others that I made it through. Because it might make things a bit. Because it's going to make things a bit awkward and that they don't need to know personal details about my life. So what evidence do you have to me that you're not fucking every single one of them? Facts.
Facts. What proof is there? If you can't even tell these men, oh, I'm actually in a relationship, but we can still be boys. Because all I'm hearing is, I mean, still in the exact same position that these men are in. Facts. I said I wanted to take you to, like, Vapianos. And you went Vapianos with Fred. So how are me and Fred any different? Facts. Apart from you saying that you're not banging Fred. I don't know that. I don't know that for a fact at all. At all. Oh, now, darn this girl, bro. Bro, it's, it's, it's, um...
I mean, it's open and shut. It's pretty much open and shut. Like you can't, you're in every position to voice these feelings and opinions to her considering she clearly is in a situation where she just wants to have a cake and eat it. And that's just neither here nor there, my bro. You can't let that slide. And that's just on God. It is on God. You can't let that slide. Wow. Yeah. He has to dash her. That's so obvious. Yeah, bro. Yeah, bro. She must be bad. God. She must be bad. I can just tell.
She has 10 men just running around for her. Probably, bro. Really, really probably. Yeah. Long. Long, long, long, long. She sucks one of them off. That's for sure. Yeah, literally.
Anyway, soz bro. Right to you. Trash news. Yes, sir. So I'm taking over off Rem's duties as you know, Rem's away. So I'm just going to re-up on some trash news. So listen to this, my G. Woman abandoned by dates and left to foot the bill of £150 after she ordered 48 oysters. I saw that. I haven't read the thing, but I saw that. It's a joke.
A woman who ordered four dozen oysters on a first date was left to foot the bill after the man did a runner. Awkward.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
And she enjoyed them so much she ordered another three plates, much to her date's surprise. He clearly didn't like that very much and bailed when he had the chance.
And that was it. I don't know if that's her, but that's- I was going to say it can't be her. Or maybe it is. Maybe it is her. She doesn't look like she can put away that many oysters. I'm not going to lie to you. I mean, oysters are very small, but then again, I've never had oysters before. I've never had oysters. I never will have an oyster. I can't imagine a situation where I'm taking a lengting on a date. Yeah. And then she's like, I'll have the 12 oysters. And I'm just like-
That's cute. Yeah. Little Afro-D's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Little Afro-D's nuts. Let's go, bro. You want to get freaky? Say less. Take 12. 12, baby. Sure. She's like, I got that, daddy. Yeah. And then she's doing the little. Yeah. She's putting hot sauce. Yeah. I'm like, damn. First six went down quick. Throwing them back. All right. Bet. Bet. All right. Bet. Finish the whole 12. Next plate. Want 12 more? Yeah. And then 15 a piece.
I'll be thinking raw. I would definitely say on the next plate, are you sure you want another 12? - Facts. - And she's like, yeah, bet. As soon as I saw those 12 go, I would say raw. I would really, really, really start questioning what's going on. 24 of anything is mad. And this is chips? - Facts. - 24 is a lot. - It's a lot. - And even, I don't even think I could sit there and watch someone eat 24 chips, just chips. - And then order more. - Yeah, yeah, facts.
And then order double that. Facts. That's crazy. And you know the worst thing about it? Let me read it again. The worst thing about it that I read was with a man who had been keen to take her out on a date. That bar, that keen bar, she saw how gassed and gagging for it he was. He's going to firm it. I'm going to order what I want. He's going to firm it. I'm going to order what I want because he loves me, clearly. She had four plates of 12.
- It's like 48. - Yeah, do you know how brazy that is? - You would vomit. - Oh, fuck. - You would vomit. That's not possible. This must've been a TikTok dare or trend or challenge or something. - I don't know. Apparently she threw him back. - Yeah, ooh. - She threw him back, bro, and she's, yeah. - I'm not gonna lie. - All I'm hearing is she's got a throat on her. - She's got an open throat. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Open season. - She don't feel nothing. - She don't feel nothing. - Well, he says open season. - Open season. Yeah, that throat is open season.
That's crazy, man. Yeah, that's a... Piers takes, so he just bounced. First opportunity, he bounced. Probably went to the toilet or something. What is 15 times... Is this how much he was supposed to pay? I think it said $150, but I don't think that adds up. It doesn't. That's 10 oysters. Yeah, yeah. So, woman abandoned by date and left to foot the bill of £150 more. Oh, okay.
It's 150 pounds. I think they converted it because this is in America. Yeah, but even still, 150 pounds in dollars is literally like $170. It's not much. Yeah. All right. What's 15 times 48? Bro, 15 times 48 is back. 15 times 48. $720. So what the fuck are they coming up with $150 pounds for? Bro. Anyway. Anyway. Yeah. Raw. 720. Wow.
Wow. I would just get that a lot of that. Yeah. And I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even run. I would tell her I'm leaving. I'm gone. You can tell the world. You can tell your TikTok followers. I don't give a fuck. Tell everyone. I put my face on it. I don't give a fuck. You're brave. 700 quid. On oysters. On a throat. On a, yeah.
- 720 on a throat? - Yeah, wow. But also I know for a fact that throw is out of commission tonight now. - Facts! - So now I'm definitely different. - Facts, because there is no Afro Dijak left. Like you sucked it all up. Yeah, there's no Afro Dijak left because you need to have maybe like three, four to activate it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You've had way too many. You have way too many. So you either thrown up or shit in. One of the two. So yeah, that throat is- - Sucked it all up.
- Yeah, I thought it was discontinued. - Yeah, bro. I'm living, 'cause I know we ain't doing shit tonight. So what am I dropping 700 pound on this for? - Facts, bro. - 700 pound of dinner is nuts. - I mean. - That's like a family of four at no good. - Yeah, yeah, I was gonna say like the last time I spent probably around that much was like a family dinner. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And that's a lot of us. - Bro. - On two people on just one dish? Or one item of dish? Ordered multiple times? - That's disgraceful. - What about me?
What am I eating? Literally. This is a paid advertisement for BetterHelp. Bro. Talk to me. Real quick, ask me what my self-care non-negotiables are. What? Grounding. Grounding.
Wim Hof breath work. Yeah. Eight hour sleep. Non-negotiables. Those are three perfect non-negotiables. And I'm proud of you. Thank you very much. I'm very, very proud of you. It's like when people say never skip leg day, but it's never skip therapy day. We all know how easy it is for our schedules to become overwhelmed with social gatherings and other obligations that leave us struggling to make time for the things that fill our own cups. 100%. It's like when your schedule is packed with big work projects and more.
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Betterhelp.com slash gigs pod today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash gigs pod. I missed you on oyster number. So she's done 12. She orders another oyster number six on second plate. So oyster number 18 in total. I'll put my hat up.
- Stop. - I'll say, "Babe, stop." - Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. - You're ruining the whole thing. - Is this a prank? - Yeah, facts. I thought you were buff. - Yeah, yeah. - After watching all of this? - Yeah. - I don't understand. - Yeah. What the fuck is going on? - No, no, that's brazy. That's brazy. - I'd have to put my, I would, should hear that. - Put my hand up. - Should hear that and I'll stand up and just stop. - Stop, bro. - Stop. Whatever prank this is, just stop. Just tell me. - The most annoying thing about it is nine times out of 10, if there's oysters on a menu,
Oysters are starters. These aren't main dish type things. Damn. Oysters is a starter dish. You can get different variations, but it's a starter dish. Do you see what I'm saying? Or it's a sharing platter, which of course is still a starter dish. Do you see what I'm saying? Man's not even ordered his entree or his appetizer. None. These man, she's doing up starter dishes for $15 a pop.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's bonkers, man. - Nah, get the fuck out my face. - Facts, bro, get the fuck out my face, get the fuck out this restaurant. Because you have no regard for human life. - You can't keep ordering appetizer after appetizer after appetizer. - The chef will be thinking this is a mistake. Table 50's ordered 12 oysters again? What is going on? If I'm the chef, I'm calling the waitress. What are you recommending these, man?
I told you, fucking push the specials, bro. Push the specials. What the fuck is this? We've got other people to serve. These men want oysters too. Oysters are growing trees, bro. What the fuck? It's not oyster season next week, man. We need to make this bitch spread. Bro, the line chefs are cutting their hands over this bitch. They're splitting skin for this bitch. They're shaking. Another 12 oysters. I'm throwing my stuff in the air. If I'm a chef, I'm throwing my stuff in the air. What do you mean another 12? Bro.
You know that knife thing and they roll up their knives. - Yeah, that's me. My towel on my shoulder, I'm gone. - I see that thing going through. Another 12 wisdom for 57, I'll roll my shit up.
The fuck? I'm gone. I'm gone, bro. The alliance chefs are pissed. This is a mistake. Oh, God. Two voices again. Nah, bro. Nah, it's impossible.
- Oh shit. - And if you think I'm doing this pox a little salt bed again on this plate. - The garnish. - Yeah, I'll promise you I'll put a bucket on that table. I'll put a salty bucket on that table. - Fucking clam him yourself, bitch. You want 48, clam him yourself, man. - I'd actually screw driver a bounce.
you're taking a piss it's your job now you want to have them fucking have them yeah yeah that's that's real trash news boy yeah jesus christ wow sometimes we run away with stuff we run away with stuff oh i thought we were over with this story like five minutes ago jesus then it got juicy oh god right brother you have a thread for us i believe i do another light one um so i'm gonna need your help with this one
So the thread is, what's the worst response to an I love you message? So I'm going to need you to tell me you love me. I'm just going to respond. Every time you want me to say it? Wow, okay. Every single time. Wow. Yeah. Christmas came early. All right. Tell me when you're ready. Born ready, bro. Say less. Born ready, bro. All right. I love you. Have you ever been told goodnight? Wow. I don't know what I expected, but that was not it. Have you ever been told goodnight?
Off the back of an I love you. Yeah. Yeah. All right, bet. I love you. I know. You're not the only one. All right. I love you. Are you okay? All right, bet. I love you. We don't do that around here. Yeah. All right. Say less, say less, say less, say less. I love you. Forwarded. I love you. A forwarded message, bro. Forwarded. Yeah. A forwarded reply. I love you. Crazy. Crazy. Do you know why that's actually fucking crazy? Mm-hmm.
Because you either just told someone else that you love them and then repeated that bitch to me. Yeah. Or someone else just said it to you. And you threw it forward. And you fucking forwarded it to me. You didn't type nothing to no one. Yeah, yeah, brazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably forwarded my one back to them. Yeah. Oh my days. He's got the whole game on lock. Bro, I ain't typing shit. Forward this, forward that. Right, I love you. You're welcome. Okay, I have to say, this one doesn't work. All right, cool, cool. So, I love you.
You're welcome. Don't you love me back? Now, isn't that obvious? I don't. You're welcome. You're welcome. All right. Back to me? Yeah. All right. I love you. Just an emoji sign. Stay strong. Prosperity. Stay strong. Yeah. All right. That's it. That's it. No, no, no. I'm saying that was it for that one. Fuck. Keep going. I love you. Likewise. You put underneath, she left me. Yeah.
Likewise. All right, Bear, I love you. I've read this for the third time now, and I swear I don't see how that concerns me. My love concerns you, bro. No, I promise you now, my love concerns you. That's fucked. I don't see how this concerns me. Facts, bro. That's crazy. All right. I love you. I noticed. I'm kind of over this, you know. I know it's nothing to do with me. You're feeling it every time. I have to say it every single time.
It's sweet in me, bro. It's really starting to like itch. All right. Don't worry. There's like five more. Fuck. All right. I love you. It's just an infatuation. First of all, don't don't speak about my feelings. Don't tell me. Don't tell me how to feel. Facts. It's just an infatuation. The fuck do you know? I said, I fucking love you. It's just an infatuation. It's just an infatuation. Soz. Next one. I love you. Don't worry. It's all past.
I love you. You know when you can, you double tap and put an emoji to the thingy? Yeah. Cap. Cap. Stop the cap. Fitted. Wow. Yeah, bro. All right. How many more? One more. I love you. I don't want to hear that shit right now. That's, that's the shade. Yeah. That's the shade. That is the shade. Ah!
Wow. I don't want to hear that shit right now. Jesus. Oh, wow. Cheeky nail barting. Trying to get my money up. You're talking about this pussy on nail barting. Yeah. This pussy on nail barting. This nail barting. I don't want to hear that shit right now. Oh, I love you. That's two M's.
Jesus. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Light thread. All right, bet. Cool, man. All right. So I'm going to finish this off. Pause. Pause. I'm going to finish this off today with... Ooh. Scary story part two. Part two. The TBC. Of Dr. McAllister's captive god. So to my recollection, he's now in the basement. He is...
What's his name? The therapist wants this breader. Let's call him X. I can't remember his name. The therapist wants the breader X to keep telling him about stuff he has no idea he would have found out about him if he didn't put him under. If I'm correct. That's what happened. He put him to sleep and he was saying stuff. Yes. To the therapist. It's like, how do you know this stuff about my family, my mom, whatever. And I want more of him. Yeah. He's drugged him and he's in his basement. Yeah. He's got him. Cool. Yeah. He's got him in his basement. I'm locked. I'm locked.
So how we finished off and that's how I became Dr. McAllister's captive God. Okay. Right. Part two. Let's go. I will say that while I was with him, I never wanted for restful sleep. Jesus. This was due in part to the fact that I spend most of my time in a near catatonic state. What does that even mean? Bro, it's just loopy doopy. Catatonic? Yeah. I've never heard that word in my life. I'm conch.
Conch. Say less. Dr. McAllister kept me restrained in a large underground area that I always thought of as the basement. I was seated in a large, comfortable chair, my hands secured to the arms with soft straps. There was a remote at hand. I was allowed to watch anything I wanted on television as long as the doctor was away. Okay. If I was hungry, all I had to do was push a button
and a short blonde woman who I would later discover was doctor's wife would bring me anything I wanted. Oh my goodness. In the beginning, it wasn't so bad. I was kept in a sluggish state from the drugs he used on me to induce the state he wanted, but it wasn't bad. I watched TV, I ate, and I existed. Given that I had worked 40 plus hour weeks and lived off crappy food for most of my adult life,
It felt almost like pampering. I was free to do what I liked, except leave or talk to people who were likely wondering what happened to me. Facts. That's what I was reading. I was thinking, isn't anyone looking for this? People must surely know he's missing. And the way he's talking is like, he's just giving up. He's given up. He's given up and accepted his reality. This is my fate now. Yeah. I might as well enjoy it. Yeah. Pamper me.
Okay.
Those days were the good days back when Dr. McAllister was still operating his practice. That was when Dr. McAllister was still pretending to have a normal life. Okay. He would come down in the evenings and talk with me, just telling me his problems and asking me to help.
he would ask me about stocks or bonds the housing market business ideas patients and inventions and i would try my best to direct him in the way he wanted i wasn't sure what he wanted my head was too foggy most of the time to make any sense of it but i would try my best to help him without the need to be placed into an into an unconscious state
We'd talk for hours about everything from the state of his marriage, the depraved childhood he'd lived through, the future of psychology, and even the condition of his soul. Jesus. I didn't always want to hear what he had to say, but I understood that it didn't really matter what I wanted. My God. Facts. It didn't seem to matter anyway.
We would talk for hours, but the end result was always a needle in my arm or my neck. Oh, neck. Bro. Nah. We would talk for hours, but the end result was always a needle in my arm or my neck. And several hours of blissful unconsciousness. I'm sorry. I have to pause that. The fucking fear that would put in my chest knowing...
When he starts yawning or when he started to just get bored of this little chatter, he's draws him for a needle. It's going here or it's going here? - The neck. Nah, man. - Bro. - That's scary stuff. - When he gets tired of this chit chat, he's gonna say, fam, it's time for night night. Tell me my future. - Facts. - Tell me my future. - I don't hear this chit chat anymore. This lucid chit chat, I want you dopey. Wow. - I wanna meet my God again.
Wow. Yeah, bro. Right. I remember little from these periods of blackout, fortunately, but sometimes I would go to a dark place and just hang suspended in the murk. Things would whisper to me there, tell me things I couldn't understand, and I was powerless to stop them. This happened very rarely, but it was still too often for my taste.
I don't know what I said to Dr. McAllister in those times, but there was always a drastic change when I came back to myself. It wasn't always for the better either. Oh my God. Once I came back to myself and felt something wet in my lap. I glanced down, which was difficult because my head was strapped to the headrest. Oh my God. And found that someone had thrown... Are you stopping, fam?
Read the ting. Read the ting. Because I'm visualizing as you're speaking and you said thrown and frozen. My imagination's frozen. And found that someone had thrown a head into my lap. I flinched away from it as my soggy brain finally clicked it all together. But it was little more than a shudder in my current state.
The head had wispy grey hair, a pair of broken glasses hanging across the face by one ear and a nose full of broken veins from a lifetime of drinking. I didn't recognise it, but it soaked the pants of my pyjamas. I did feel like it was familiar somehow. Dr McAllister was sitting across from me, looking expectantly at the gift he had literally dropped into my lap.
And I looked at it with confusion as he asked, why had he done this? You told me to, he said, a little shocked. You said, if I meant to truly get over the cruelty and abuse that my father had given me, then I had to destroy the icon of my father within myself. So I did. I told him that I wanted to meet so we could discuss our past and reconcile. He was ecstatic. He hadn't seen me in 20 years. And oh, did we reconcile.
I waited for him to turn around and I bashed his head with a hammer, choking him to death as he lay twitching on the floor. Oh my God. Then I took the body and disposed of it, cutting off the head so I could show you that I'd followed your instructions. You're so wise, so correct, and I'm your loyal disciple. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know we started this off as, obviously this is a Reddit thing, right? This, this is real. Yeah.
Because is this real or not? I can't remember. You need to confirm, James. You need to confirm because it sounds like you're reading "Saturn of Alice in Wonderland". - Bro, I think this is the beauty of the subreddit. We don't know. - We don't know. Jesus. - We don't know what's real and what's fake. - Bro, if this is fake, this is story writing. Because I'm locked in and I'm imagining stuff. - Bro.
Let's go for a little bit more. Let's tease it a little bit more. You are so wise, so correct. And I am your loyal disciple. I started screaming, mindless gibbering noise, but he just bowed to me. And when the head hit the ground next to him, he didn't even flinch. That was my first inclination that the things I was saying in my sleep might be used in ways I had never considered.
After that, he started bringing people down to see me. Oh, no. At first, it was his wife, the blonde woman who had been feeding me. She looked skeptical as she approached, content to keep her husband's secrets, but unsure of joining him in this new experiment. I knew from our talks that he was afraid and she would leave him.
No, no, no. I knew from our talks that he was afraid she would leave him, but enjoyed the financial stability of their marriage. He stopped me with the needle as she sat a few feet away. And when I came to, she was bowing and crying and she thanked me for helping her see the truth. Oh my God. My husband was right. You truly are a God. I was wrong to ever doubt him or you.
After that, it was friends and colleagues. They all seemed confused when he introduced them to me, calling me his god of knowledge. And some of them laughed thinking it was a joke. They would sit and talk to me, listening to my answers and looking at McAllister as if to ask if there was some elaborate prank.
In the end, though, when I came back from the little naps he would subject me to, it was always the same. Their smirk of disbelief or scowl of confusion was replaced with rapturous awe and they would pledge their undying fealty to me. No matter how many of them I begged to release me, the outcome was always the same.
Over time, a religion of sorts became to form. Over time, Macalester drew in his cult. And we'll stop there. That's insanity. Bro. That's insane. I just remember the title was 10 years now. A decade. A captive god for a decade.
I'm intrigued to know how his story ends. Wow. I'm intrigued to know how it ends. Because when I say James, you're reading it like I could close my eyes, open my eyes, and I'm seeing this shit. I'm seeing the basement. I'm seeing his head strapped to the thing. I'm seeing him like this. I'm seeing the therapist.
gray hair glasses yeah suit always bro the wife is just like a short always in a maze outfit i'm like what's going on the first time the first time the wife came down and saw it and thinking oh my god the first time the wife brought the brethren down i like trust me i know it's crazy no it's crazy but sticking with this he will tell you stuff once i jab him in his neck
You're going to find out the truth. You're going to find out the reason why it's tied up here. And then man just jabs you in your neck and you wake up and everyone's bowing down. I'm not dealing with this every day. I'll scream McAllister stop. McAllister. McAllister stop. Enough is enough. No, that's, wow. That's a good read. Yes, it's juicy. That's a good read. It's juicy. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, I'm fucking locked in. Wow. Yeah, I'm enjoying it. Same, same, same. We've got a minute. Oh, we've got a minute to go. Oh, say less.
Over time McAllister drew in his cult Right that's where we're going to leave it there Guys let's charge the episode there As always this has been Juicy And yeah man love love love Gang gang gang gang Let's talk about something that's not always top of mind But still really important Life insurance Why? Because it offers financial protection For your loved ones and can help them Pay for things like a mortgage Credit card debt It can even help fund an education
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