CRAZIEST DRUNK TEXTS... EP 429
58:33 Share

This Halloween, ghoul all out with Instacart. Whether you're hunting for the perfect costume, eyeing that giant bag of candy, or casting spells with eerie decor, we've got it all in one place. Download the Instacart app and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes.

Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Offer valid for a limited time, minimum $10 per order, service fees, other fees, and additional terms apply. Instacart, bringing the store to your door this Halloween. I don't even know which name sent the video. That's how dizzy I am. Yeah, because you're just looking at the video. That's my wife's cheeks. I know that rotation from anywhere.

- Guys, welcome back. - Girls, welcome back indeed. - I'm not gonna lie to you, man. - Talk to me, bro. - I've been on the Hennessy for an hour and a bit now. - Yeah, you got the drink in your cup. - I've got a warm tummy and a loose throat. - So anything can go. - Yeah, anything, up for anything. - Anybody forget leg.

Yeah, man. Say less, even more. So this is a perfect time to announce what the question of the week is. And the question of the week is, what's the worst drunk message you've ever sent or received? I'm going to play the vintage drunk in this as we do this. Okay. This was a funny one for me. Yeah? Yeah, I got some juicy responses. Mine was okay. Okay. Go on then. All right, guys. What's the worst drunk message you've ever received or sent? Also, put it in the comments below. First one.

I know what you did sent from my mum. I know what you did. That's the drunk message you received. Received. I know what you did. I know what you did. Mums, yeah. Not so much with their sons, but with their daughters. If you get a close relationship, they have that venom in them. In terms of mums, it can be on a square up ting with daughters. And daughters can be on a square up ting with mums. I hate with the mum-daughter thing, yeah. Because we know some...

that are very close to their mom and tell them everything. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't tell my mom shit. Never have and I never will. - She needs to think I'm a good child. I don't tell my mom shit. All these other people telling her I'm pregnant, I'm this, I'm that. Yeah, lost my virginity. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Who did, oh, that's what, yeah. - Yeah, that's exactly what I'm referencing. - Yeah, that's what you're talking about. - That's exactly what I'm referencing. - Yeah, she was straight up told her mom, I lost my virginity last night. - Yeah, she was like, how? - Or just now. - Yeah, just now, how was it?

Mums and daughters have a bond. Yeah, I can't have that interaction with my you. Mom, I just lost my virginity. My mom would have just... Sweet chin music to me. Yeah, I wouldn't have seen the fist coming. I wouldn't have seen it coming. Mom, I just lost my virginity. Yeah, that's where you got the boxer in you from. Yeah, I wouldn't have seen the arm. Bro, right. Worst drunk message you've ever sent slash received.

She sent me a video of her kissing another guy saying she wished it was me and was thinking of me while she was kissing him. So she's just there like lips. I wish this was you. The whole time I was lips in man up. I was wishing it was you. I don't know how I'd feel if I woke up and saw that because it's one of them ones where you just have to block her and keep your life going.

- Yeah, obviously. - Yeah, you just have to keep your life going. 'Cause that's, yeah. You're trying to break my heart. - 100%. - You're trying to break my heart. - Because you're like, it only works for me if I really wish it wasn't me. But chances are, if you have the confidence to be sending me this, chances are I do wish it was me. - Facts. - And you're getting tongue to pieces. - Yeah, there's saliva everywhere. - Yeah. - It's sloppy. - Just like I like it. - Bro! - No, you can't, I can't see her give the kiss that I like.

- That's the kiss she's giving. - Yeah, no, 'cause there's drunk lips in. - Yeah. - Which can look awkward and like forceful. You can't give me like, yeah, you can't give me them ones. And no, no, I don't wanna get into it. I don't wanna get into it. I do not wanna get into it. You can't give me the lips that I like. I can't see that on another man's face. - On another man's lips? - And he didn't even know you. He didn't care about you. - Facts, bro. I know you head to toe.

- Next. - What's the worst drunk message you've ever sent or received? I accidentally told my mom. I'm gonna fill that pussy up. We haven't spoken since. Bro. Bro. Bro. We haven't spoken since. - Yo. - That's the trauma. The trauma. - I'm gonna fill that pussy up. - Stop.

- I die. No, I think I'm like, at that point, you're kind of happy not to ever speak to your mom again. - Yeah, you have to charge it. - It's not even worth- - You have to charge it, man. - The relationship, it's done, bro. - You're not going to any family functions, you're not going to anyone's birthday. - Yeah, I'm not on it anymore. - I'm lock off. - There's fewer things worse than you can say. - Literally. - I'm gonna fill that pussy up. - It's a marge. - Yeah. Wow, no. Random, random.

I can tell that Hennessy's in you, boy. The Hennessy, I haven't drunk. It's like, you, man, I'm down in the dumps. So daddy needs a little sip to perk him up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm stealing fun from tomorrow. Yeah, I'm stealing fun from tomorrow so I can have it today so I can make content for you, man.

- I'm stealing fun from tomorrow. - Alcohol is the devil's liquid. - Give me a red cup, please. - You want one? - Give me a red cup, please. - Yeah, man, bring me down in the dump, bro. - Fuck, man. - Pour that red cup up, man. - Where's that Henny at? Where's that Coke? - I got it right here, daddy. - Safe G. - Pour it, man. - Yeah, man. - Make it do that glug glug. - Yeah, give it that glug glug. - Oh yeah, man. - Oh, you want one as well? - Yeah, man. - We all down in the dumps. - Ellis, what are you saying?

- I'm good, I'm good. I'm happy. - More, less? - God damn it, yeah, wait. - 'Cause it's Coke in it, Coke's in the Coke. - It's Coke just there. - Yeah, but what was yours like? Was yours heavier than this? - Mine stays heavy, bro. Come on, man. - Go, give me that. - It really wasn't heavier than that. But I'm on like, I've had like two and a half. - Oh yeah, yeah, to be fair, TBF, he's a few red cups deep. - Yeah, I've been on this, Jon, for hours. - He's a few red cups deep. - Uh, yeah, kinda. But yeah, like, um.

We haven't drank on an episode in a while. Ages. Slide me a Coke, please. Sorry, G. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I thought he was going to grab me one. I genuinely thought he was going to grab me one.

- Someone asked about a drinking game the other day. - Oh, we haven't drank in a while. - I haven't drank on it for a minute. - Back in the day, when we used to have those episodes, we'd have to record it like one in the morning. - Yeah, yeah. - And like, we would drink. - While we were couch surfing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, we would drink. And we'll go to, when we had the first studio, we'd go to the first studio and we'd be hammered in, I remember

there's a time where we were singing pretty ricky songs for ages they swear yeah in the yard or in the stew in the stew it was in the stew we're seeing pretty i was drunk i don't remember yeah i was drunk early days bro um and then what ended up happening was yeah manchester drinking in the episodes was calm because we used to have to record so many episodes back to back yeah so it's all the same level of drunk yeah when we moved to the birmingham studio um

we were recording earlier for starters, 'cause we used to record at five, six and then go until like one, two in the morning sometimes. When we moved to Brom, we got a bit more regimented and it was like, we'd meet at one. - Yeah, 'cause we both had to travel down. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, for one, we were driving there, so couldn't drink. And like for two, we drank a couple of times

and because i guess i hated that studio so much it was the surroundings the surroundings of that it didn't i felt sick and there was no air there was no air there had no aircon and there was no windows in there so i would start to feel just like dizzy and sick and i was like i remember one day i was like i'm not drinking anymore i'm not doing any sip sips i'm not doing nothing anymore um but i have missed it i have missed it i can tell yeah i'm down the dance you man random yeah i was gonna say remember random yeah someone sent me a video the other day yeah

about gay terminology. - Okay. - And then it was a video of a guy saying that he's not a gold star gay, right? - Okay. - And apparently, and everyone was like, "What's a gold star gay?" And he said, "A gold star gay is when you've

where a gold star gay is when you've never like had sex with a woman. So this guy would say, the guy said he lost his virginity to a woman so he's not a gold star gay. And then he said, there's gold star gay which means you've never like had sex with a woman or it may mean like you've never had any like sexual interaction with a woman. They didn't get into the weeds of it. But then do you know what term he used next? He said, and then there's platinum gay. Platinum gay, which means, platinum gay, yeah?

is where you were born via C-section, which means you never touched a pussy in your life. Bro! It means you never touched a pussy in your life. I was locked in on this video, you man. - It was a TikTok video. - Yeah, it was a TikTok thing. - What made you think of this? - Say again? - What made you think of this? You said random. What made you think of this? - What were we talking about? - I don't know. We were talking about drunk tax and shit. - Maybe filling that pussy out with your mom or something like that. - Maybe. - Yeah, maybe. - Maybe. - Maybe.

Platinum Yeah platinum gay I ain't touched a pussy in your life Yeah yeah yeah The way that would be on my dating profile Platinum gay Yeah that's You're authentic Yeah You're authentic Yeah Wow Fucking hilarious That is hilarious That is hilarious Alright cool Worst drunk message you ever Sent or received Yeah Sent a corny message to my ex Or so I thought

Next morning, my phone was blowing up. I'd uploaded an Insta story. Yeah. I'm trying to think if I've ever mistakenly put something on a story. I either meant to send to someone or like I put it up and tried to delete. I don't think so, you know, because that is... Especially when you do it and then go to sleep. Well, I don't... Bro, I don't understand how people have the confidence to mess around with close friend stories. Facts. I would buckle that daily. Yeah, facts. Daily. This is why...

women are just tapped in, they're locked in because there are times where someone we know would accidentally upload something and she goes quickly, boop, airplane mode. I would never think of that.

I would never think of that. - Yeah, it wouldn't cross my mind. I would just, I'd watch it uploading being like- - Fuck, fuck, delete. I just have to wait for you to upload so I can delete it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, delete it with it. Yeah, this is- - Aeroplane, I was thinking, you're smart. Yeah, fair play. - Yeah, I don't know how many accidentals you need to have before you clock that one. - Yeah. - Yeah, boy. - Locked in. - Yeah, locked in, bro. - Fuck. Right. - They stay scheming, that's why. - Worst drunk message you've ever sent or received. I was listening to music

and drunk text and drunk messaged him. Why her over me? - Oh, you man. Why her over me? - That text really, really would. I remember when I was a kid, yeah. - Down in the dumps. - Yeah. Cheers to that bro. - Down in the dumps. Why her over me? - Bro. - Oh, that's pain. - As of yet, I've never,

- As far as I know, I've never had someone choose. Actually I have, but she didn't claim it as that. I think I told you man, the worst, the way my kidneys were rocked this one time when I was dating this girl, right? - Yeah. - When I was 16 and we were all cool, everything was blessed. She had an ex who was like literally like three, four years older than us. And one of my boys was like, "Ah, grapevine?"

I'm hearing she's still chatting to Donny. And I'm thinking that's not possible because me and her are- - Locked. - We're tied. - Padlocked. - Yeah, we're padlocked. Yeah, like that bridge in France. We're on there. We're on there. We're on there. And we were walking to Sainsbury's to get some flapjacks one evening, me and my boys, 'cause for some reason that's what we got in the habit of. And we had to walk past, I knew where Donny lived, didn't it? And we had to walk past his house

to get to Sainsbury's, her car was outside. - I feel like you've said this before. - I have said it before. I have said it before. - I would have bounced my head off a bonnet. - Yeah, fam. - So she'd see the smear stain from the nose. - One of my boys was like, "You should call her or knock on the door." And I was like, "I can't because-" - Why him over me? - That was literally a white, like you had him and then you moved on and we've got something going on and we're really, really good.

You told me you were at Yard. We've been speaking today. You're at Yard right now. Yeah. You're at Yard now. Bro. Oh, him over me. And I couldn't get, obviously he's older. He had a car. He did all these things. So it was like. It makes sense. A car. You know why him over you. I knew why. I didn't even bother asking. You know why. Damn. It took me weeks to bring it up. Sorry, bro. Yeah. Why her over me? That's down in the dumps. You want me to say to that?

What do you actually want me to say to that? I just feel guilty now. I'll be murked. I will be murked. I couldn't reply. Bro. Right. A friend sent me a message saying, I need to look good for the beach, but I can't schedule into the clinic. Can you shave my butthole? Question mark. Pardon? Pardon? I'm assuming this is gal. 100%. Can you shave my butthole right now? Okay. Here's a question. Because this is more...

I wrote this down for more of the follow-up question. Okay. Now the follow-up question to me was, I know you wouldn't shave my asshole so I can look good on the beach. Period. Period. It also doesn't make sense. What am I wearing for that even to be a factor? Yeah. You might be experimenting something. Fair. A little G number. Now, a G number. What...

I don't know what scenario could be, but just black and white context removed. If it was necessary. Would I shave your ass off? Would you shave my asshole? And is it position dependent? Asshole is crazy. Yeah. No, like ass cheeks. Obviously not the skin. Cause that's smooth. Not the skin of the knot. Like obviously the, yeah, the surrounding. Yeah. So, okay. Am I shaving or am I like waxing?

'Cause if I'm shaving, I'm in there. But also if I'm waxing, I'm like, I'm in there too. - You're manscaping, you're trimming. It's a trim job. So you don't have to like, and you're not waxing. - So it's not a clean shave? - It's not a clean shave. I don't want to blade that close to my- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - To my senses. - Don't leave me hanging. Don't leave me hanging on camera. - The senses, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Context removed when I shave your arse off. - It was necessary, Fuad. - What's necessary?

- I don't know bro. - I know, I know. - Necessary is like life and death for some kind of, I don't know, proceeding. - Okay, yes. In that scenario, yes I would. - Okay, let's not take it as extreme. Yes, cool. Now we've got our first yes. We've got our initial no, which is I want to look good for the beach. And we've got our initial yes, which is you're going to die if I don't do it. - Yeah, yeah. Like you need that area cleaned up so that surgeons could do something. Yes, I will do that. - Now let's backstep and see where's the point where it's the first yes. - Okay. - I need exploratory

surgery and the doctors said they ain't shaving it and someone has to, would you do it? - And it's life or death? - I don't know yet, it's exploratory. - And I'm the only one available to do said job. - Yeah, in this situation, yeah. - How badly do you need this? - Exploratory surgery? - Yeah. - Literally, I've gone to the doctors

I said, my tum tum is tum tumming. And I've tried this drug, that drug, this remedy, that remedy. I've been murked and it's getting progressively worse. I'm scared. And the doctor said, it could be flipping shingles 2.0. You need to get this checked out. And I said, doc, I'm scared.

I'm scared. And he was like, bro, this is not a joke. - I'm scared for you. - Yeah, I'm scared for you. But it's not a yes or no. I can't say you need the exploratory. And then I was like, cool. And then he said, before you go the morning of you need a quick zing zing. They will not do it. And if you come in there with that batty hole hairy, they're gonna send you home. And the waiting list is three years.

So, and you're the only person available at this moment. And I say, fear, please give me that zing zing. I would do it with a hazmat suit. That's unnecessary. To you. But what if you can't grab the thing properly with a hazmat suit? With those gloves? Those gloves are thick, man. Any finesse? Because if you cut me, they're sending me home as well. I think my devil's ad is saying no, but the boy in me is saying yes.

Fair. No is insane. And you shouldn't even entertain that devil's ad. I know. Because I would do it for you like that. Like that. If you said that I need the exploratory and they said, give me that ZZ, I wouldn't think twice for that. I would shame you.

I will shame you while I'm doing it, but- - Why would you do that to me? - Because you're gonna- - I'm already feeble. - Yeah, I know you're feeble, but like you've asked something of me that you know makes me uncomfortable. I haven't asked for money, reparations, nothing. - Fair. - And I'm doing it, so- - I need sign. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to find joy in this somehow, 'cause I'm gonna vomit for time. - Yeah. - And you can't, and now I never ever can hear a sex story from you again, because I know what that batty hole looks like.

And obviously if I know what a bio looks like, I know what a tool looks like. I know what those balls look like. I know what a goose, I know what a whole situation looks like. So now I don't want to hear nothing. It's just going to send me back to that moment. So yeah, I'll shame you and I'll, yeah. And I would make sure that it's, you're on your back. - My back? - Yeah. - So I'm like this? - Yeah, you have to. Because you're not, I'll tell you why.

Because I'm daddy in this situation. You're the one who needs help, not me. So there's no way that you get to just go face down, ass up and I have to do all this and all that. That's not fair. You don't get to look away while I have to be the only one dealing with this. Also, you don't get to stand up while I'm on my knees. - I would never stand up and spread. - No, no, no, stand up and then you might wanna do like a quick leg on a step like that and be like, yeah, get in there. That ain't happening.

So I'll make sure you're on your back, pull those legs up and you make eye contact with me while we get this done. - I think my body was shut down. I genuinely think my body was shut down. - That's fine. - Damn. - I don't need you conscious bro. I don't need you conscious. - Fuck, that's hilarious. - All right, cool. - Right, what's the worst drunk message you've ever sent or received? I need you in me now. Him, this is his wife. - Oh my God. - You have to double down and say give him the phone.

I'm not play playing. - You know who this message was for. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This was his wife. You know this one for you. - Yeah, pass the phone back. - This is his wife. - This is his wife. - I need you in me now. - Now. - Okay, if your wife is showing you that message, how's your reaction? Do you think you could, bearing in mind I know you have an ego, do you think you could avoid the smugness and go full panic retreat? - I think my micro expressions get the best of me.

And that's on God. It would be like lightening all over again. - Yeah, I know, from how I know you, I know at least one eyebrows raising. - And I'm like, I'll automatically lick my lips. - Yeah. - Automatically. - I know this is, okay, this is how I picture it. This is my camera. - Yeah. - All right, so you've been working up and then this is Fuhad. You see the message and it's like, you're tired and like, babe. - Yeah, disorientated. - And she's like, what the fuck is this? So your wife say, what the fuck is this? - What the fuck is this?

- I need you inside now. - Babe. - Babe. - Nah, like. - Who is this? Who's pranking us? - I need you inside. I don't even know. Yeah. - I've read it twice. - I don't even know that hand right. - No one talks to you like that. - I don't know that area code. - Fuck. - Yeah. Nuts. Nuts. - That is nuts. Wow. - This is his wife. - The fear? - Yeah. - Huh. - 'Cause she tells us how she's a girl's girl.

She helps herself sleep every night saying I'm a girl's girl. So when this is his wife, she's like, wow, crisis of identity. Yeah, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. One time I got a message from an older woman saying she's thinking of me. I told her that I can't, she's married. She then proceeded to send me a video of her and her man having sex and told me to see what I'm missing. Oh my God.

That's That's disgusting That's not for me Yeah that's disgusting That's not for me That's disgusting Yeah I don't know Again she was drunk Yeah I'll just reply yuck and block I don't think I'd reply Really? Yeah I don't think I'd reply I think once we've gotten past the

What was the previous message she said? - She's thinking of me. - She's thinking of me, yeah. - That's also a hop, skip and a jump. If I'm thinking to me now, I'm watching you get clapped. - Yeah, that's too much. So we'll just see red and charged. Red and charged, that's it. - What's the worst drunk message you've ever sent or received? Tracy, I can't wait to eat you out. My name's Crystal. - My name is Crystal Peake.

Just, yeah. - P. - Just no. I got caught cheating and my homeboy sent me a text saying, "She knows." - I'm not going home that night. - Yeah, nope, nope, nope, nope. - I'm not going home that night. - She knows. - Yeah, hotel ting ASAP, ASAP. - Yeah, nah, I'll forget everything. - New garms, new Everton. - New garms is facts 'cause I'm not going to collect. - Facts. - Burn it. - Right, for this one, would you rather, this is all three of you, would you rather be the person that sent this message

or would you rather be the person that's woken up and seen this message cool there can't be i can't whatever it is i can't be the person who's woken up and seen it what's the most what's the worst message you've ever sent or received hiv positive sorry i have to be the one who sent that reading that will send me into shock shock disarray hiv positive sorry

- I've got to send it. I've got to send that. - Yeah, I'm sending that. - I can't. - I'm not receiving it. - Yeah. - I'm sending that. I'm not receiving, I can't reiterate enough. - Oh my God. - Woken up and reading it. - That would scare, you've only just taken a breath. That would scare the living Christ out of me. - My blood would run like ice. I would turn into a white walker on the spot. Oh my God. - That's not okay. - Right, last one for me.

Come on, man.

Come on, man. You wouldn't know which way is up or down. No, that's not even. Because your whole world is in limbo. I would accuse all of you. All of us know but you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would accuse all of you. 100%. And I would be so dizzy, I don't even know which name sent the video. That's how dizzy I am. Yeah, because you're just looking at the video. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my wife's cheeks. Yeah, yeah. I know that rotation from anywhere. Yeah, and she's throwing it back.

She's throwing it back. - Them ones where her toes are wrapped around the hammies. - So she's got that pivot. - No, no, no, no, no. - She's got that pivot. - And you can see his torso. - Yeah, carry him. - Oh God. - That's how you know he's got that long jaw. - I'll tear my face off. I'll tear my face off. Oh my God. No. Throw it. Dragging him back. No.

- No, bro. Nah. - Oh my God. - Oh. - Oh my God. - And those back dimples have never back dimpled like that. - Oh, no, no, no, no. - Yeah, you can just hear that gush every time. So you know he's got that long jaw. He couldn't have a pipe on him. He couldn't. Because I need to know at the very least it was an emotional betrayal. You can't find out that he had that fucking wood on him. - That thunder. - Yeah. Collapse.

- Oh my God, I couldn't bro. Fuck. Angles right around the hammies to yank man to water. No, please stop. - There's no escape for either of them. - And I know all you man are ringing each other individually once we've all seen that. I couldn't see because in the group chat on WhatsApp, it's only two blue ticks once everyone's seen it. - When everyone's seen it, yeah. - The two blue ticks will send me.

And no one's saying nothing. And nothing. Yeah. And I know, I know Jake will be first to reply. Jake will be first to reply and be like, rah. Rah. I'd send a, I'd send a gif. I wouldn't be able to type anything. I'd send like a, that blink gif. Rah. Blink is inappropriate. Cause I, blink is inappropriate. The whole thing is inappropriate. I'll be surprised. That's why, that's why I'm blinking. I'll be surprised. I couldn't reply. If it was you, who's, if it was,

My wife? Your wife and Rem's fucking her? Yeah. I couldn't reply. I mean, I couldn't reply. And me and Jacob and Toby, we gossip on a three-way call. Me, just know for a fact, me, Jacob will ring me first. I know for a fact. For a fact, he'll ring me first. And I'll say, come over. It is 14 minutes from me. I'll say, come over. We need to speak about this. And I'll ring Toby while Jacob's on his way. Yeah. And say, wow. Wow.

Wow Have you seen this? Yeah She rubbed her ankles rough For that leverage And dragged man And Rem's tool never left His tool never left the passage That long john Nah And then After 45 After I know you've seen it And it's been 45 minutes And no one said anything I'll call you to make sure it's still alive Yeah because Your safety is at risk For sure I've done seppuku For sure Yeah Because I can't

face you man again and I've got no home to go to. - My worst fear is that you don't pick up. - I couldn't pick up. - Yeah, I know. I think I would ring you once Jacob arrives, we'd both be in the car and we'd be on the way to your house. - I couldn't pick up. I wonder what to say.

And I wouldn't know what's there to say to me. Do you see what I'm saying? What conversation needs to be had? - Strap up in it. I was like, look, I know a boxing gym down in Harley street. I know the owner. Let's just set something up. Gloves off. Yeah, you Rem, you get in there and you hash this out. - To what end? 'Cause everyone's done. Like to what end? I'm leaving the friendship group and I'm leaving my wife. To what end? Do you know what I'm saying? To what end?

- 'Cause I've got no pride left. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's a fact, I've got no pride left. And clearly I'm the joke of the group chat. - You're not a joke. You're anything but a joke. - I clearly am. Because when my boys think it's gonna fuck my fiance, I'll put it in the group chat. And you man, I care, care, care, 45 minutes before you link, man. - No, we're not laughing. - I don't know that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't. That's what you're saying, but I promise you we're not laughing. We're concerned, bro. We're not laughing.

I'm shocked about the size of the wood. I am shocked. - Why are you shocked? It's my wood. - Fair. He is still my boy. I'm not shocked, but you had no right. - All right, fair. - You had no right. - No, no, definitely not. - Yeah, yeah. There should be a method in which if you're fucking a ting on a betrayal, your wood should shrink. - Okay. - Out of guilt. - Yeah, you can't fuck your boy's wife with gourd fat dick. You can't. - Because he wanted this. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I saw the veins shimmering in the light. You can't, that's not allowed bro. That's not allowed. Be nervous. Be nervous and apprehensive about what you're doing. You can't be giving it the longest. - I've got no more words. 'Cause I'm there, I'm there. I've got no words. - He doesn't want to talk to him. - I can't talk to him, I can't talk about it. I can't talk about it 'cause I can't. I can't, I can't bring that to reality.

Right, that's me done, man. All right, I've got a few more, so I'm just going to rattle them off. Right. Down in the dumps, man. Brother, what's the worst drunk message you've ever sent or received? I texted my old football coach for his daughter's number. That's stupid. Heinous. That's stupid. Similar. Similar to a previous conversation. I sent a dick pic in the group chat and didn't realize until the next morning. Fuck's sake, bro. That's peak, bro. It is peak.

- I don't know a lot. I think a lot of Gooch has come with judgment. I think if it was only, I'd say fair. - Really? - Yeah, because you know, I know it was an accident. We don't have that report. - Because he was just four. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it was an accident. I'm not gonna belittle you. - Okay. - Or if I wanna punish you, I'll say, is that it? - Punish? - If I wanna reprimand you, is that it? Dread.

- I wouldn't show face for ages. Ages. - Yeah, that's what I say. I say, nah, that's actually dread. That's what I would say. Nah, comma, that's actually dread. - Punctuation and all. - Fuck. - Yeah, grammar police. Nah, comma, that's actually dread. - Fuck. - Yeah, I wouldn't know what to say. I wouldn't know what to say. 'Cause I can't even delete for everyone now 'cause everyone's seen it. - Yeah, 'cause we've all seen it and I'll screenshot it. - I know. - Yeah, just 'cause I know you wanna delete.

It would be the, it would have to be the profile pic. Fuck. All right. Worst drunk message you've ever sent or received. Asking my ex to take me back. We only dated for a week. Down in the dumps. Oh, take me back, man. Huh? Worst drunk message you've ever sent or received. You know, you're low-key ugly. Imagine. Imagine back in uni days. Yeah.

These are the times you went home every weekend. Yeah. Me, Rem, Tobes, Jay, we painted Coventry red. Yeah. Red. Yeah. We're tipsy. We've got the drink in our cups and we're having a time of our lives. You wake up 9.30 a.m. Toby's messaged you separately. You know you're low-key ugly, right? Oh my God.

And then you see the time he sent it. It's 3:54 in the morning. - It's 3:54, yeah, yeah, yeah. - We checked all of our stories. We're having a whale of a time. And we're giggling. - And whilst all you man, he's maliciously bullying me. - Bullying because- - You know you're low key ugly. - And that then makes you believe that we've been discussing- - You've been discussing that. - What you look like. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whilst merry time has happened, you man have been like,

"Is it just me or is James like low key?" And everyone was like, "What?" - I didn't wanna say it. - I didn't wanna say it. - And Tobes was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know you're low key ugly, right?" - Low key. - Oh my God. I'll be murked. I'll be murked. I will be murked. I'll be murked. I couldn't imagine the, "Wow, yeah, finally someone's talking about it." Yeah, he is buzz, man. - Fuck. - No.

And Toes is the Judas that wants to speak up. - Of all people. - Yeah, yeah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. - You know you're low key ugly, right? - No, we're all speaking about it. We're all speaking about it. - Might as well say it. - You might as well say it. - Say it to your face. - Get it over with, yeah. - Say it to your face. - You're ugly, bro. - Soz. - Yeah, soon as you dip, Tome, we've been doing laps. Laps!

Every time you're with us, it's a charity thing. It's boring. No, that would be horrible. That would be truly horrible. All right, two more. What's the worst drunk message you've ever sent or received? My ex told me he wanted to scramble my anus. What does that even mean? Scramble? Scramble. Have you seen how a chef on a hot plate will make a scrambled egg? With the flat thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some, some, some, some.

- To an anus? - That's crazy. That's crazy. - Oh my God. - All right, last one. Worst message, worst drunk message you've ever sent or received. I confessed I was pregnant with his brother's baby. We were having twins. Fam, fam, fam. You have to go full Matthew McConaughey. You have to. You have to go full Matthew McConaughey. Yeah.

- Bro. - Yeah, that's an outline. - Yeah. - That's an outline. - That's an outline. That is an outline. - Damn bro. - Wow. - Right, speaking of, I saw this tweet the other day, right? - Mm-hmm. - Demi Aviloxi. And it made me laugh, right? - Okay. - So the original tweet, "Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck was spotted kissing and holding hands during brunch." - Okay.

And this obviously they broke up, they've done everything. And now people are catching them holding hands and kissing. Someone replied- - Is this a recent tweet or recent? - Recent. - Okay, cool. - I think so, recent. - Okay. - Someone replied, "This is honestly my dream relationship. I love shit like this. Can you imagine how annoyed their friends are?" - Valid! - Yeah, bro.

Wow. Can you imagine how annoyed their friends are? This is my dream relationship. Yeah, bro. Valid. Toxic. The friends would be pissed. Enough. I couldn't be Ben Affleck. I couldn't hear you man tell me, Fuhad, please stop. And I'm like, bro, I can't help myself. This is Jay, bro. This is the love of my life. I can't help myself. She's so toxic. I love it. And I'm like, brother, just stop.

- I can't. - That would piss me off so much. - I can't. - You're Ben Affleck. Have anyone else. Anyone else, bro. - I don't want anyone else. I want JLo. I want my John. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. The thing is, I know, but please. - Yeah, the friendship group would be ratchet. - Yeah, we'd have to shake you, bro. - I think after,

Link, dump, link, dump. I think the link again, you might not, you wash your hands of me. - Yeah, I'll wash my hands of you. - You'll wash your hands of me. - 'Cause you don't respect yourself, which means you don't respect me. - Factual, yeah. - You don't respect yourself, you definitely don't respect me. - You might as well wash your hands of me. - I'm so done, bro. - Yeah, yeah. I would be waiting for, you can no longer type in this group chat. I will be waiting for that.

- I'll be waiting for it. Yeah, yeah, facts. I'm gonna be like, fair. I've fucked you man up, I'm sorry. - Now this has to work. You'll probably see it as fuel. - Yeah! - Now I've got no one else but you. It's probably gonna work this time. - It's gonna have to. - Yeah, I've got no one to consolidate. Okay, cool. You said you have like a Pick Your Poison style. - I do. - Question. - Cool. T, would you rather be close range shot in the back of your hand or B, have your penis sewn shut?

- First one, obviously. - First, yeah. - That's not even a piggy poison. - Quick and easy. Not easy. - Can I unserve it? - But quick. - Yeah. - Ooh. - It's not so shot permanently. You don't die with it. - Am I under?

- No. - There's no anesthesia for your hand, there's no... - You just shoot me. - Raw, raw. - Shoot me, shoot me, shoot me. - Both hands. - Both? - Yep. Before that, what? - Hang on, what did you say? - Oh, hands, both hands. - Shoot both hands. - I thought you were saying both. - No, shoot both hands before. - Like on a... - No. - This is what I'm into type. - No. - Oh, shit. - Sorry, sorry, I get it. All I heard was both. - No. - And I ran with it, I'm sorry. - Shoot both hands before you so...

My penis closed whilst I'm awake. That's crazy. - Would you rather be under? Not would you rather be under, but if you were under, would you choose that over being shot? - Well, yes, because I can't. - If you go under, you have to keep it on for 12 hours. - 12 hours? - Mm. - That's not very long. - It's long enough. - You don't know what it's like. - Yeah. Having my dick sewn shut. - Yeah, you've not had that for a second. - Yeah, I know, but the hole's like that big. - Yeah, but the pressure builds up, dude.

- Oh yeah, I can't piss. - You can't go to the bathroom, yeah. - Oh yeah, oh 12 hours? I was waiting for that. Sorry. 12 hours? What do you think I said bro? - No, like I just saw it in my head. I was just like, oh yeah, your dick's been sewn shut for 12 hours. And I was like, all right, cool. Like 12 hours. I didn't contemplate pissing. - Yeah bro, you can't use the bathroom. - No, that's impossible. Shoot me man. - Yeah. - Both hands, both feet. - Yeah, before that. - That's doubling down on what I said. - Yeah. - All right, bro. - What happened?

If you can't piss, what happens? - Satin explodes, bro. - Satin will explode. - Satin will explode? - Come out somewhere. - It won't come out anywhere, but it'll just pop. - Yeah. - It'll pop inside you. - Yeah. - It's worth it, mate. - That internal? - Yeah. - You're done for. - Fair, fair, fair, fair, fair, fair. - To me, that's not even close. - All right. - What made you think of that? - I have no, I can't remember. I wrote this down a time ago. I have no, I write shit down randomly. I have no idea. - Fair enough.

You got a recommendation for us? I do have a recommendation. Yes, please. You, man? Terminator Zero. I'm bored. Terminator Zero? Go on, sell me. This is how I know in a couple weeks time, you're going to come back and apologize like you did last week. Terminator Zero is an anime.

Really? Yes, bro. You get locked in from the jump. First five minutes, there's no, they're not speaking, it's action. Okay. Action. So the premise of this show is, right, there's a, can you zoom into the characters for me, please, or the cast, rather, so I can get their names. So Malcolm, Malcolm is the father of Ako and

Mako Kenta and there's another chick. He has three kids anyway. It bounces back. It bounces timelines from 1997 to like 2022 or something. And basically what's happening is he's trying to, Malcolm is a father. He's trying to prevent judgment day. And he's seen into, spoiler alert, three, two, one. He's seen into the future what day judgment day is going to happen and how it's going to happen. So he's invented AI, which is Kokoro. Um,

to try and prevent this from happening. But Kokoro, again, is AI, which is technology, which is also... And his fear is that once he brings her online, she is going to basically, long story short, not listen to him and use all AI, use all the robots and technology to take over the world. So it's going back and forth from 1997 to 2022, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

But when I say every episode is like 28 minutes, 30 minutes long. When I say every episode is a cliffhanger, you want to watch the next episode. - How many episodes are there? - Eight. - Okay. - Eight maybe. James, I promise you. Even me, I was like Terminator, anime, as a, Terminator as a whole, I don't give a fuck about that. - Boring. - Boring. So that was why I was like, I don't care. I watched the first episode.

All right, but I'm locked in. I promise you I'm locked in. Oh my God. I promise you I'm locked in. Oh my God. I think I watched four and about in one sitting. In one sitting, I was knackered, but I couldn't help myself. Yeah, I'm down. I couldn't help myself. I'm down. How long were the eps? Sorry, how many eps? How long were the eps? Like half an hour. Oh, okay. Like half an hour. Yeah. Oh my goodness. All right, I'm locked in. Oh my, the almshouse? The blood? Okay, I'm locked. I'm locked.

Fuck man I'm locked I'm locked I'm locked I'm locked I'm very much locked Wow I've been watching 8, 9, 1, tomorrow 7 out of 10 Yeah 7 out of 10 Brother it's good I bet It's good man I've been watching Your Honour Like back to back recently

Season two? - It is already. For me season one's saucy. - Oh, you rewatch season one? - No, so I watched up to like episode five of season one. - Okay. - Then took months off. - Yeah. - And then I've just locked back in. - Okay. - And I'm on like episode eight. - Of season one. - Of season one, there's like 10 episodes. - Yeah. - I'm like, I'm gagging on it. Pause. - Season two? - Yeah. - At midway point, when you say, when I say,

There's character development. Okay. Everything starts to take a turn in season two. All right. Wow. I was locked in. All right. What's this? Your Honor. Your Honor. Bryan Cranston.

He's a judge. Fuck. This motherfucker can act. This motherfucker can act. And he can act, bro. He can act. He can act. Season two is heavy. Yeah, I'm locked. Season two is heavy, man. Fuck what Rotten Tomatoes says about 49%. Season two is heavy. 49%? That's poor. That's poor from Rotten. Damn, all right. Nah, bro. It's... Wow. It's good. His love interest doesn't make sense, though.

Cause he looks old as shit in this show. - Who's Lovatress? Brian's? - Brian's. - I can't remember who's Lovatress in season one. - Oh, this Leeting on the far right. - Oh, okay, okay, okay. I forgot. - She's a jawn. - Okay. - And she's gassed off him. - Okay. - But I can see from his like intelligence and like emotional intelligence and oh, it is Chet Hanks. I knew it was fucking Chet Hanks. That's Tom Hanks' son. - Okay. - Yeah, yeah. Good show, man. - Is that not the bread, da?

- That I've seen videos of him speaking Patois. - Yeah, he speaks Patois. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah it is, yeah it is, yeah it is. It literally is. Yeah it is. 100% it is. - The cringe that's going through me right now.

- Yes it is. - Jesus, that's hilarious. - I'm so glad you said that. Yes, that's how I know who it is. Wow, okay, Bette. - Wow, season two is chef's kiss. And obviously it's like a good- - I can't stand the mob wife by the way. Gina? - Gina, Gina, Gina, where am I looking? - Top right. - Oh yeah, yeah. - I can't stand her. She's a witch. - You won't be able to stand her in season two either. But she finds her feet. - All right. - Scott, go to show more real quick.

There is a character. There's a lady. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Oh, she's not. Is it Big Mo? It is Big Mo, but that's not who. She looks different there. Anyway, even if that is her. Season two, she's hard. All right, bet. She's hard. She's not really showing too much of herself in season one. She's hard in season two. When I say she carries herself, she carries herself. All right, bet, bet, bet, bet. I'm locked. I was going to say it's a good homage to Breaking Bad because obviously Bryan Cranston and if you scroll back up, Rem, uh,

- Yeah, Mark. - Mark Magolis. Obviously both in Breaking Bad. Yeah. He plays a good role. He plays a really good role. - All right, decent. I'm gassed. I'm gonna keep going. All right, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Right. Finish with your dilemma, please. - Cool. Right. Dilemma. My boyfriend never lasts more than 15 seconds in the bedroom. What do we do?

So I'm going to read the dilemma. She's also given an edit. So she's got responses and she's given like a post synopsis. So my boyfriend is not satisfying me in the bedroom. We've been together for seven years and it's always been relatively short sex. But within the last two years, sex has lasted about 15 seconds. Sometimes he barely enters me and he's already finished. He does occasionally put in the effort for foreplay.

but that's not how I get off and I desperately want the connection and feeling that penetration provides. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, keep going. - He has also tried to incorporate toys, but he doesn't seem thrilled with having to use them. And quite honestly, neither am I. We have talked about it several times, but I have a really hard time expressing this to him over and over because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

He is obviously already aware that this is a huge problem for me and him. I have even told him how unfair it is that he gets a big finish and I get nothing. He says it's unfair to him too. I'm at my breaking point because this morning I really, I was really trying to initiate sex and he just told me he wouldn't last long enough for me and left to the bathroom. I just sat and cried because I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him and to put it bluntly, I need sex. God.

I hate that basically the only sexual gratification I get is with myself. I ask him to speak to his doctor, but every time he goes, he says he gets too embarrassed to ask and we start the cycle over and over again. I'm not even sure if there's any sort of medical intervention for this, but he could at least ask.

What do I do? What does he do? We love each other very much, but this problem is really starting to come between us. I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but I have my needs. It's getting to the point where I find myself starting to lose love for him, and I despise that feeling that... And I despise that I feel that way. I know how horrible it sounds, but sex is so important to me. Please give me some advice. I want to save our relationship. As you were talking with that, like, what's actually fucking...

crazy, not even crazy, but it's like, well, it's actually kind of obvious until you say, but maybe not until you say it. It's like, in a lot of ways, women are way more mature than us. - Facts. - As soon as she said medical intervention or like go and ask your doctor, my brain goes to obviously not. - Obviously not. - Obviously not. - Not. - Yeah.

They're very like, let's get this sorted. Yeah, because I'm not leaving you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want this relationship to work. I love you. Whereas men are just so much like, well, just leave me then. Yeah, fine.

'Cause I'm not embarrassing myself even more. - The fucking GP bro, just leave me. - I'll deal with this with someone else. Someone else will accept my 15 seconds. - Facts bro. And when they don't, they can leave me and I'll just move on and move on because I'm too embarrassed. Whereas women actually go to doctors and be like, cool, I went to doctors, figure this out, we can move. And our guy is so embarrassed and we can't have our ego tested like that where we're like,

oh, I need help lasting with my girlfriend. So they give me tablets to come home and be like, all right, babe, they gave me these tablets. Let's try it out. Because immediately I'm like, I ain't trying nothing out. Like, cause I'm mortified if I take the tablet and it works. Whereas like your goal would be like standard. Do you know what I mean? If it works, I'm like, I,

I really am the problem. Yeah. Yeah. Cause it's solidified now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had to get drugs so I can fuck my girl. Even though you knew you were the problem. It's like, fuck. Yeah. This is, this is sedimented or sedimented, cemented that it's, it's, I am the problem. Yeah. Pharmaceuticals need to be involved for me to satisfy my woman. Oh, it's grim. It's,

It's depressing, but it's also like, thank God. Thank God they exist because I need some, you know? Yeah, facts, bro. And it's just like, it's funny as well because it is all ego because also at the same time, if someone was like, oh, I found this pill or whatever, it makes you lost in bed. Because I don't have that issue, I'll just try it.

for the fun of it. I'll just try it for the fun of it. - See how long it takes. - Just like, yeah, cool, I'm interested. I'll try it. But as soon as you rely on it, as a man, you're just like, nah, that sounds like hell. Like, I don't want that. Ego, ego, ego, ego, ego. - It's also one of them ones, especially if it's me and my wife, not like me and a ting, it's me and my wife. My wife knows me and I know her. She knows I'm lasting 15 seconds for the past five years. So the first time I last 15 minutes, she knows tings are guan. - Yeah, of course.

Every time after that, she knows I pop sartan for this, to facilitate this round. - Yeah, and if there was one time you didn't pop sartan, and she was like, "Oh, you didn't wanna take a little, you didn't wanna take a little bluey for me today." - I can't, no matter what baby cute voice you wanna put, I wanna outline you. - Yeah, daddy, just give me one of the blueys, please, please, please, please, please. And she's holding it over your mouth like, "Ah." Give me that, I needs that, take that. Nah!

Nah! Fuck, man. Oh, that's horrible. It is. Let me read the thing she wrote after with the edit. So she's like, Thank you for all your advice. It was nice to talk to some people dealing with the same issue and most of you provided some really helpful tips. Two days after I posted this, I decided to sit him down to have a serious talk about it. I found a highly rated urologist in our city and suggested that. He took the conversation very well and made an appointment with said urologist in early October.

Unfortunately, we have only had sex once since this post, despite me trying nearly every night. It was worse than ever. I don't think it was one full thrust inside of me. Oh my God. It was worse than ever. Oh my God. We passionately made out for a long time and everything was great until penetration. I don't think you understand. It was worse than ever. Oh my God.

than there wasn't there wasn't one full thrust and that was it but also okay my gripe with this one actually is you're now you're you're doing too much in terms of you know what the end result is going to be and you're allowing yourself to constantly be disappointed you're trying to initiate initiate initiate no you've already made the reddit post so we're already at a point a point where you're asking strangers on the internet so you know how bad it is so for then

to try again, it's like, why are you trying? 'Cause you know what's gonna happen. And then when it happens, you're straight back on the internet like, bro, we tried one time bro, worse than ever. I'm like, no wonder he's running to the bathroom crying. - Yeah, okay, we passionately made up for a long time and everything was great until penetration. I think he's so in his head about the conversation we had.

Because while I was trying to be nice, I was blunt as hell about getting zero satisfaction. Oh my God. I'm sure that hurt. I did recommend trying thick performance condoms and he did not seem happy about that. I ordered a box so we'll see if he wants to try it in the moment. I'm certainly not going to force him to do anything. Hopefully the urologist appointment goes well and he can find something to solve the issue. In the meantime, I might explode. Say a prayer for me.

- Worse than ever. - That's heartbreaking. - Extra thick condoms. - Just so he can't feel anything. The sense is dimmed. - I was actually, I told you about this before. A long time ago, I was, I started seeing this girl and for the first like few months, I was nutting quick. Quick. And it got to a point

Where like the first little, like first couple of weeks, I was like, minor. Like, leng. Obviously. This is the reason why. Leng ting. Yeah. Daddy can't control himself. Yeah. Minor. And then we ended up having conversations about it. And I was very much like, at first I was very much like, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush. Like, don't be silly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it actually got to a point where I was like,

"Oh my God, like I've addressed, it's been addressed and your boy's still not in quick." This is a concern. And then what ended up happening was similar to what she said, like the more home girl would bring it up, the more pressure I put on myself, the worse it would get. - Do you, this is a question for everyone in the room, in those kinds of situations where you've had a discussion about sex, either you're coming too quick or whatever,

And you get in your own head. Have you ever been in a situation where this then affects sex as a whole performance in terms of you can't even just get up because you're overthinking? Not that badly, no. Not that. This is the only situation I've had. Well...

Yes, for what you're saying was when the only time I had what you're saying is when I was a kid when I said I had the issue with the condoms and they weren't fit and the pressure of that was making me not even be able to get hard. That I have had. And then, yeah, I had this quick commenting with this one girl and yeah, what ended up happening was, which is what was probably triggering for me when you were reading this thing is that like, she's,

Look, what I ended up doing with this girl, for example, was we had to, once I dropped my ego eventually and just accepted the fact like, rah, this is a matting. I had to then like, we actually had the discussion and I was like, right, if this is going to continue to be an issue, I don't know why it keeps happening because it's not an issue I've had in the past, but this is the situation we're in. I said, all right, cool. It's going to have to be one for you and one for me. This first knot, I'm taking it. Yeah.

I'm grabbing it with both hands and I'm taking it. And you're gonna have to firm it. Leave me for half an hour. And then this second nut, you're good. Like this is all for you. But this first nut, this seems to be a consistent issue where your boy can't last in that tom. So, hey, I'm just gonna have to hold my hands up and be like, your boy's not quick the first time. And then once we move past that, second nut, all you. Right, guys. - Girls.

Thank you for that. Factually. Your boys were down in the dumps and I think this episode helped. So thank you for being with us. Thank you. If you want more, head on over to patreon.com for us to have shits and gigs. And yeah, man. Literally, seriously, really fucking mean it, guys. Love, love, love. Gang, gang, gang. When you use SAP Concur solutions to automate your business finances, you'll be ready for anything.

Except when you're trained to work is also headed to the comic convention with the mighty Zorg on board. Who happened to bump into his arch nemesis? With SAP Concur, you can be ready for almost anything. Take control of your business finances today at Concur.com. Did someone say KFC?

Does someone say KSC? Hot and spicy, the flavour has spoken. Not everywhere and not forever.