Working In Hollywood, Binge Eating, Fat Camp & Learning To Love Yourself with My Assistant Fiona Attix Pt. 1
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The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi guys, it's Mari and you're listening to The Pursuit of Wellness.

Hi, pal community. Before we hop into this episode with Fi, my assistant and best friend, I wanted to say a huge thank you to all of you for all of the support and hype around the show thus far. We hit the top 50 on the Apple Top Shows in the first week, and I could not be more grateful. I am enjoying this process so much, and it makes me so happy to see you guys are

gaining so much value from the episodes, seeing your story tags, your reviews, your responses, your comments. It makes me so happy. It feels like we're in a

deep conversation together. The feedback I'm getting is so much more in depth than I'm used to getting and I just feel way more connected with you guys than usual. So the fact that you guys are following, rating and reviewing means so much. It allows me to see what you guys like and what you want more of. I appreciate it so much. We

With that said, let's hop into this conversation with Fi. I wanted to add a little trigger warning here because we do discuss eating disorders and other body image topics. So I wanted to give you guys a heads up. With that said, it is a very in-depth episode. You really get to know Fi on a much deeper level. Obviously, we are not doctors or medical professionals, but we do have a lot of insight and personal experience. So I hope you enjoy this one. Let's do it.

See you there.

Guys, how do I even intro today's guest? She is extremely special to me and I've probably spent more hours with this person in the last two years than I have with anyone else in my life, maybe even my husband. My once assistant and now manager slash executive assistant, we're still figuring that out,

Fee Addicts is a superhero in my eyes. I have never met someone with such positive energy, fierce... I'm gonna cry. Yeah, wait, stop. Okay, let me... Sorry, let's bring it back. I have a tear in my eye. Fierce loyalty and strong work ethic. We've taken on the world together and I'm so excited to have a girl chat today on the mic. Fee, welcome to the Pursuit of Wellness. Thanks for having me. Thanks.

That's so nice. Get ready for your wedding speech. It's going to be iconic. Oh my God, that was a lot. I know. Usually I'm just sitting over there in the chair. So it's so nice to be here with you. We've been waiting for this. And I think also the listeners are going to die. They have been wanting you to get on the mic and spill all the tea for a while. I think this is going to be a two part interview because we have a lot to cover. Yeah.

We're gonna get into all the piping hot tea of our relationship, how we met and what that's like. But first, I actually just want to talk about you because this is all about you. Amazing. Guys, she's really nervous. Even though we sit like this all day, every day, she's nervous. It's because of the setup. Yeah.

I ask all my guests, if an Uber driver were to ask you what you do, what would you say? Oh. And you're really nice to Uber drivers, so I want to hear this. I do. I love it. I'm the person that gets in and talks and immediately starts asking them their whole life story. We're best friends by the end of the ride. What would I tell them?

I feel like I struggle with that too because I don't really know how to describe what I do. I think generally I'm like, oh, I assist, you know, the founder or owner of like a nutrition company or like, or I'll say I, you know, assist someone that works in the wellness space as an influencer. Usually they kind of look at you. So I'm like, it's not like that.

She's like really successful and cool and great. And it's not like that. Even me, when someone says influencer, I'm like, oh, yeah. But I'm usually like she like owns supplement companies. And then usually they're like, oh, really? Like, what's it called? And they always ask, like, especially male Uber drivers always ask me, like, throw them slang and bloom left and right. I'm like, you should try it. Bloomnew.com. Stick packs. We've got a little bloom cups here on the table today. How cute are these? The cutest. The cutest from New York.

So you've lived in LA for just over five years now, and you've really experienced the ins and outs of Hollywood. And I want to get into that. But first, conversely, you were raised in Maryland. Yes. Very different. Very different. How were you raised and what was your childhood like? So, yes, I am from like right outside DC in like the suburbs of Maryland called Gaithersburg, technically. Very small little town, but like

I would describe it as like kind of like the white picket fence suburbs. I grew up in this neighborhood called the Kentlands. And like when I tell you it was this bubble that like growing up, I never thought I was going to leave. My dad used to like remind me like you were like, I'm going to live here forever and like never leave. And I thought it was like the best thing in the world. Growing up, it was awesome. Like I really did have a good childhood.

very lucky like where I grew up but my parents did divorce when I was like eight or nine and I think that definitely had an effect on my childhood and probably carried with me a lot more than I thought it would have especially like I think Mari and I both have been over the last couple years really focusing on our past and like Mari does a lot of like inner child work and stuff and I think

As I've reflected on it more, you know, I know tons of people's parents are divorced. Your parents are divorced. You know, it's very common nowadays, but it affects everyone very differently. So I grew up with divorced parents, but luckily they, towards the end, got along a little better. So that was nice. My mom's still back in Maryland with my stepdad, Howard, and my brother and dad live up in Wisconsin. And they actually just visited me for the first time out here. So that was really nice to kind of show them

my L.A. life. I think they've always, you know, maybe not understood it completely, but it was I was really proud to show it to them and they were really proud of me. So what was the family dynamic like while you were growing up before they divorced or during it? To be honest, I don't really remember too much of my parents together. I think I was like seven or eight when they divorced me. When you're young, like I remember blips, but not

Some, like, vacations here and there, but I think something kind of as traumatizing as that, you remember more of the bad things. Yeah. Which stinks, but I split time between both parents. I know, like, everyone's kind of situation is different, but I did, like, week on, week off, which I did that for years. And I would pack, like, duffels every week and bring them back and forth between my mom's and my dad's house. And then when I hit, like, 13 or 14, I think, I got

I got to pick if I wanted to stay at one house. And I was getting older and it was like, I was, you know, I was like a teenage girl. I was carrying like every pair of jeans I had back and forth because I'm like, I don't know what I want to wear this week. And like all my textbooks. And then like even into high school, I was a cheerleader. And so I had all these uniforms. It sounds so silly, but like I had to bring duffels back and forth. And then I'd forget something and have to go back. It was just like a big pain in the butt. So I finally got to the age where I was like, look, I think it makes sense.

It makes sense if I stay with mom. You made that decision. I did, which at the time, I think it was kind of just like I went to my mom's one week and just like never went back to my dad's full time. Growing up, my dad worked kind of remotely and worked from home. So he really raised us in the house. My mom was off working like a corporate position every day. And so I think he felt a little like

I had raised you and then you went and lived with her. But it was so different in my head. And I was a teenage girl. Like, I'm going to go live with my mom. You know what I mean? And my brother lived with my dad. And so, yeah, we were pretty much split up like that.

I'm so close with my dad. I actually FaceTimed him this morning on my way home from the gym. It was his birthday yesterday and I forgot just because I know I'm such a bad daughter. I sent him a gift, but it was like, did we not have the craziest day yesterday? Yeah. I look at my calendar. I'm like, oh my God. I called him right away this morning. I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible daughter. He was like, it's okay.

I know you're busy. But it's interesting because you are so close with your mom now. Like you and your mom give me Gilmore Girls vibes to the max. Like for anyone listening, Fee's mom is like Fee in a few years time. Like she's blonde, bubbly, chatty, positive. It's like you want X Games mode in a way. Oh, yeah. I will never be quite like Kathy, but like she is a great goal to go after. Yeah.

I think definitely as I got older and when I started living with her full time, like we just just in general, my dad and my brother are so similar. They're like very artistic. They love music. I feel like they definitely are more like passion driven. And like if it doesn't interest them, they won't even bother. But my mom and I are kind of like, I don't know. We just we get the work done. We work our asses off and like not that my dad and my brother don't, but we're just very different. My mom and I are like really into like health and fitness and everything.

We just were so different growing up. It kind of blows my mind that me and my brother are related, but it's almost like it split off. So it worked out. It was a good split. But yeah, my mom and I are super close now. I didn't actually have this planned as a question, but I do want to talk about your camp experiences because you have been to every camp. Yeah.

Yes. That you can think of. Because I didn't grow up going to camp. And in the UK, you don't do summer camp. But you've gone to some very interesting camps. Can you tell us? I did. So I feel like maybe it's like an East Coaster thing. Growing up, like as soon as you hit like 13, your parents send you away to summer camp for the summer. You're like, okay. I went to like horse camp one summer. Super traumatizing, you guys. Yeah.

Highly do not recommend. Well, every other girl there was like road horses and my parents were just like, oh, let's just send her to horse camp. It was really scary. I almost got thrown off the horse. Mari now is like into horses and I'm really trying to like...

mend my relationship with them. But they do scare me. I'm not going to lie. They're huge. Didn't you get given a crazy horse? I did. His name was William. He was fighting other horses in the field. Every time I tried to go to his little stable to clean his hooves, he'd be kicking the back of the door. And they're like, okay, go in and pick his leg up. I was like, me? This thing? I was like...

Nine years old, I was like, no. So yeah, that was a little traumatizing. And then I know which camp you're specifically probably talking about. No, I was talking about both. Oh, okay. So I went to a lot of different camps. I also went to a dance camp. The summer, I think it was going, it was either going into seventh grade or eighth grade. I cannot remember. But I went to a weight loss camp.

up in the Poconos. It was called, like, Camp Pocono Trails, I'm pretty sure. It was called, like, Weight Image Camp. But the summer I was there, MTV was actually there filming Fat Camp. That's literally what they called it. It was literally called, like, MTV Fat Camp. Can you believe they got away with that, by the way? Oh. If you did that now... Early 2000s, like, they didn't care. And...

I remember like seeing cameras were all around the camp constantly and like I wasn't old enough to technically be on it. So maybe I was like 12. I think you had to be like a little bit older. And I remember, do you remember like those yarn woven braided bracelets growing up that you'd get at like the beach? Yes. If you were like on the show, you'd have one of those. So like all the older kids would like walk.

around like flexing bracelets and I remember being like I want a bracelet. You wanted to be on the show. I wanted to be on the show. Like certain clips I did see myself in the background of like the talent show day and stuff. So there was no like concern like other kids will see me on the fat cam show. I think at that age I just like I think I thought it was like kind of cool and I didn't really even I don't know I don't think I thought about it that deeply also so when I went to that camp you know my whole family has kind of struggled with their weight at

at some point in their life. My mom was a lot heavier in high school and like now she's like super fit and stuff. But I think it's kind of because of that past. My parents had sent my brother the previous summer and I watched like the videotape about the camp and they had banana boating and I had never done banana boat. Do you know what banana boating is? You're in a big banana. You like sit on this long thing that looks like a banana and they pull you. You wanted to do that. And I saw that and I was like, I want to go to that camp because of the banana boating. Yeah.

Little did I know it would cause me trauma for the rest of my life. The camp or the banana boat? The camp and the banana boating. I got hurt. Yeah, whatever. That's another story. But so I went to this camp. Did you know it was weight loss camp? Yes, but like I don't think I really knew to the extent. And the camp was amazing. Like it truly was. And I made great friends there and

I was never super overweight, but I was definitely like when I was younger, I definitely had a little pudge. I kind of looked like Little Miss Sunshine. My stepsister said when she met me, you know, that picture of her like looking at herself with the glasses and the belly in the one piece like that was me. I had a cute little belly going on. We love that. A lot of kids did. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's like super normal. And so I went to this camp. I called it like the summer that I kind of like

It was like me coming out. Like I got back to school and I had gotten contacts. I didn't have glasses anymore. I think I like got highlights in my hair. I went to camp for three weeks, I think. You could go all summer. My parents sent me for three weeks. I lost, I think, like 15 pounds in three weeks. At the camp? Yes. Wow. Which was crazy. And like, I can't even talk about it. They would weigh you every week. You would get in the line and you would go to like, I forget.

I forget what they called it. There was a term for it, like weigh in or something. I don't know. Like they would literally weigh you in front of like everyone. This is crazy. They cannot still be doing this, right? I think they still have the camp. I'm sure they've probably changed the format of it. But this actually is a reason that we'll go into this further. I think an eating disorder type thing that I learned there, the way they measured if you hit maintenance was if you were five foot, that was 100 pounds, right? And then every inch of your height after that, you would add five pounds.

So I was 5'5 and a half, I think, at the time. So my maintenance weight was 125, which maintenance meant they'd give you another bracelet and you could go back for seconds at food. Stop.

Explaining the Sun so much. Hold on. I'm like trying to calculate mine now. That's weird. I know. So as I've gotten older, I think in the back of my head, I always was like, okay, I'm like 5'8", 5'9". That's 145, 150. That is like so light for me. I will, I don't think I will, I will never see. I was that much in middle school. How tall are you now? Like almost 5'9". Yeah.

Yeah, I'm 5'10". And I'm like... I've never seen the 140s. Way heavier. Yeah, that's like crazy. But so, for a long time, I chased this number because I think that's just like...

at 13, I was like, okay, that's like how you calculate what you should weigh. Oh my God, that's so messed up. It really is. And that doesn't account for muscle. That doesn't account for activity level. And the camp was so, like I said, it was a blessing because I think that summer I went back to school and like finally felt more confident, especially like around boys. Like I think I had always kind of been like the shy, like

quiet friend that like didn't I don't know I remember multiple instances in school where boys would just like not be nice to me. All my friends happened to be like tiny little girls that were like half my weight and I was like

Same. At the time, like five, five, like all the girls are getting piggyback rides from the boys. I'm like, if a boy picks me up, I will lose. Like, do you remember that? Yes. I hate to this day. Like, I hate being picked up. Same. Do not try to pick me up. I will like, because it's just like a big girl thing. We always say we're like Viking women. Yeah, we are. And like, I was towering over the boys since like third grade. So I've just always been a bigger girl. So yeah, fat camp was like...

It was a really cool experience. And I know my parents meant well by sending me there. But I think it definitely like that weird number system like has definitely stuck with me. It's interesting you don't forget things like that, right? You always hang on to these weird things you learn when you're a kid. For sure. So ultimately, why did you move to LA? And what did people from your hometown think about that?

So I feel like by the time I finished college, I went to school in South Carolina. By the time I finished college, I really wasn't going back like home anymore. So I kind of consider my like hometown before I moved here, like South Carolina and lesser so like Maryland. It was my winter break. I came to visit L.A. and visit my uncle and I like worked at this event.

And I went back and I was like, I think I'm going to move to L.A. And all my friends at school were like, what? Like, they're so weird out there. Like, you know, it's like a southern school. They're like, why would you ever do that? And I was like, you know, I just I wanted to change. I had gone through like a pretty bad breakup in college. And I think I was just like, I want to get away from everyone and like start a new life. And.

I was like, where could I go that is warm, but not the South? I was like, California. And my uncle was out here. So I was like, there's someone, you know. It's difficult to make a decision like that when everyone around you is saying, why would you do that? That's weird. Like, you really have to be pretty headstrong to make a decision like that. I think I just, the weirdest part, I don't even think I gave it a thought. Like, when people ask me, they're like, I can't believe you just, like, packed up your car and moved. I'm like, I can't believe I did that. Like, that was, like, really irresponsible and kind of just, like...

What was I thinking? I did have a job lined up like two days prior to moving, but it was very like, it was like a customer service for a sunglass company. It was just enough to get me out here to like pay my rent and like,

start out here. So when you started out here, you were working for a sunglass company. And where were you living? When I first came out, I stayed in like a family friend's office up in West Hollywood. He lived right across from the Grove, which I loved. I like would walk around that area, like get to know LA. I like lived on his couch, like a pullout couch in his office. I think I was there like two months. And then I was like, I think I need like a bed.

So I got on, like, Facebook groups and found two random roommates who I still talk to today. Neither of them live in L.A. anymore, surprisingly. But I was with them for two years, and, like, I lived in Hollywood, like, right off Sunset near, like, Guitar Center. Like, it was very hustle-bustle. But it was definitely an interesting time in my life. I had never experienced anything like L.A., so I was, like, going to the clubs and, like, hide. Was there a lot of celebrity vibes happening? Definitely. I, like...

very quickly realized they were everywhere and it's just kind of normal. And like, I, you, yeah, out in LA, I think it's just pretty normalized. You see them everywhere. But like when I first moved here, I thought it was like crazy. Like I was like, so I was in one of the first clubs I remember I went to, like I literally,

flex. I was like, it was before Travis Scott was with Kylie, but I was like literally at his table at a club and like he was on top of the DJ stand like rapping. I have a video of it. And I'm just like, oh, like I had no idea who Travis Scott was. He wasn't with Kylie. I was like pre Kylie, pre all that. But like now I'm like, what the heck was I doing? But it it's a scene. Yeah. And I like really thought I wanted to be a part of it. Like it's very toxic. And I realized it was not.

I wanted to be in for very long. So I've never experienced that side of LA. You know that because I moved here, married in my late 20s with a business. So I've never done that. I'm intrigued. And I think one night we should go out and you should show me said clubs. I'll take you out. We're going to hide, do a little promoter dinner before. Oh. Free dinner. Oh. But even if I'm married, should we just like leave that out of it? Okay, Greg, don't listen to this episode. What?

I want to do that one day. It's, you know what? It'd probably be fun like every once in a while, but I think I was doing it like every weekend. Like I said, I think I just got sick of it eventually and realized it was very, not like a healthy and good environment. Why? I think I realized very quickly that a lot of those people are like the most unhappy people and that's why they're

going out every night and doing what they're doing. I also think it set really unrealistic standards in my mind for what I should look like. That was a huge thing. So when I was at South Carolina, everyone's in college. I remember I was always a tall girl still because I'd wear heels out to the bar and I was towering over. I moved to LA and I'm like, oh my God, there's tall models everywhere, which I'm like, this is amazing. But then I'm like, wait, but they're this big. And

And I very quickly, I'd be at these promoter dinners and a lot of promoter dinners and events are models. It's a kind of weird, I don't even know if this is still a concept, but like they used to have model houses where like a bunch of models would live in one place together because they're all like trying to like kind of make ends meet and get the gigs and stuff. And so they would all go out together. So like I would literally be out with models.

And I was not a model. Even if I thought I could hang with them. But so I was out with these girls. And, like, as much as you don't think it feeds into you, like, when you're out with these girls that are this freaking big and, like, at dinners with them and they're, like, not even eating, it makes you just start, like, it messes with your head. And so I think I very quickly...

developed a really bad relationship with my body. I was like, okay, so like I can be tall, but if I'm tall, I should be like real skinny. That's the look. And also I'm out with all these guys and all these guys are looking googly eyes at these models. And I'm like, oh, like no one's talking to me. So I started to very quickly equate like male attention and relationships and like being worthy with like my weight.

And that was not healthy. Which is crazy because you are a stunning girl. Everyone will say that. Like my DMs are full of people saying, Fee's gorgeous. What's her routine? You're gorgeous. And I feel like you and I have spoken about this. LA will make you feel...

Disgusting and it makes me feel that way because we live in a place where a lot of people come here for their looks a lot of people here because of their looks I should say yeah, and then the second you leave LA you're like oh I'm pretty cute. We're doing fine. Yeah, but LA will trick you into feeling like you're not enough It's for the beautiful people growing up my dad always said DC was for the power people People politics feel I want power in New York was for the money people, you know Like Wall Street all that and LA was for the beautiful people. I

And like, we talk about this all the time. You could be a 10 somewhere else. You come to LA. You're a two. You will be humbled. You will be humbled. So quickly. It's true. Yeah, like. It's true, but I'm actually, since finding you, I think you and I talk about that a lot. And we've.

We make fun of it. And I think that's actually helped me in a lot of ways. Keep that in my head. I think it's so easy to lose your footing here and get wrapped up in it. But having someone like you in my life, we just make fun of it. We're like, this is ridiculous. So reminder that it's crazy. At this point, you started working for a very well-known celebrity, a pop star. We all say that's as much as we'll say. We shouldn't say her name, but...

I want to hear about that. Being an assistant is a very selfless role and you are a very selfless person. Where do you think that characteristic came from? And then let's hop into like the world of assisting a celebrity. I have thought long and hard about this, actually, because like since during COVID, I got a therapist. Highly recommend to everyone. And I kind of was like diving deep about

So before I got a therapist because I was really talking to friends and I was asking, they were all telling me how like they had therapists or like we're on medication. I remember being like, I'm perfect. Like what's wrong? That sounds so bad. But like I remember thinking like, what is wrong with everyone? Like, why do I have no problems? And then I was like, oh, like, I think I do. I think I just like act like I never have problems, which that's a problem in itself. I, on the selfless thing,

The dynamic growing up, my brother definitely had like a more difficult time in school and just overall he had really bad ADD growing up. And I think very quickly, I just realized that my parents had to put a lot of time into him and not me.

Not time, but like he required a lot of extra assistance and I did not. And so I think I became a very like I'm sure my parents would say this, like a very self-sufficient person from a young age. Like when I would pack my bags to go to my, like help you pack, when I would pack my bags to go to my parents, other parents' house, I'd be like, okay, I have these games to cheer for and this biology test, so I should pack all this stuff. Like I was doing that at eight years old.

Like, what eight-year-old, like, has that? But I had to. You know what I mean? Because I didn't want to, like, be like, oh, dad, I forgot my book at mom's house. Like, because my brother, like, needed more of that attention. So I think I became, like, not even on purpose, but, like, very kind of selfless and self-efficient through my childhood because I had to, which is an amazing quality to have as an assistant because I don't think twice half the time. And I just...

do. But it's like it does come naturally, but I think it comes naturally because of something I went through, if that makes sense. Yeah. And I think actually a lot of people who are successful in their roles are that way because they've had trauma in some sense. So if you have a little bit of trauma from your life that turns into a superpower, I think that that's pretty cool. Yeah. So I've definitely learned to use it to my advantage, but I'm still trying to work on

Though I can have it all together, that like it's okay for me to sometimes not have it together. And when I do just like try to not even put on a show because it really is me. But like sometimes your battery runs low, you know. Like sometimes after a week that we've just been like hustling and like even New York. Like this last weekend, I was like, oh my God. I was like, yeah. Like I just was like, I need like to be alone and like not do anything for like a couple hours. Yeah.

I enjoy it and I'm good at it, but it doesn't mean it's not hard. Exactly. You know what I mean? It doesn't mean it doesn't take energy out. And it's healthy to acknowledge that you are. I mean, I've spent so much time with you. You are such a doer and you're like a little like positive robot. And it is, you know, sometimes it's OK to sit back and be alone and reflect on everything you're doing. So how did you land a role with a celebrity?

So I actually was placed with her through like a placement agency here in LA. A friend of mine recommended I like reach out to this agency and they're awesome. You would go like interview with them and then they'd be like, okay, here's like 10 jobs, like assistant type jobs to go interview for. So I went on a bunch of different interviews, interviewed for like a lot of really cool people. Can we say who? I can probably say one because it's like really cool and I thought I was going to get it, you guys. Like when I tell you it was for The Rock. So

So Dwayne Johnson. And even through the whole interview process, they would not tell me who it was for. They kept referencing him as like the principal. And it was like an assistant to an assistant, whatever.

Such a cool job and they were like he is amazing like I mean he is like look at him and it was when his movie Skyscraper was coming out and like I live in Hollywood So I'm driving down the street waiting for them to call me back and he's like on a billboard like hanging off a building and I was like It's a sign like literally like it's a sign that like I'm gonna get the job and like when I left the interview had a bunch of interviews they like told me I Pretty much got it and then it was like radio silence for like a week or two and I was like, oh

oh, what's happening? They said they ended up not hiring anyone and the position was changing. And like his schedule is crazy. He travels like constantly. That man is like not in one place or. And brings his entire gym with him. That was part of the job. Like I'm sure you guys see this like iron paradise or whatever he calls it. Every place he moves, he like has a gym set up. So I was like going to be helping with that. So that was like a super bummer. I didn't get that one. That would have been really cool. I probably wouldn't be working for you now. So I'm glad I didn't get it.

Sorry, The Rock. Yeah. I mean, now I work for Bloom. You know, we should send him some. We should. Yeah. Maybe if he's listening. Yeah, The Rock. Do you want to try some greens? So didn't get that one. Ended up landing this one with a pop star. It was, I was with her for almost a year. I think it was like 11 months. And it was the hardest 11 months of my life.

I learned like so, so, so much. I really worked my butt off. I did so many different kinds of tasks. I couldn't even like make a list for you because it was just kind of endless. But I tell Mari all the time, like I think the reason I can do so much and like any task you give me, I'm like, okay, whatever.

Like you're like, really? I'm like, yeah, like I promise you like I'll have it done tomorrow. X, Y and Z. Because this other job like required so much of me to do that and like think on my feet and just like figure it out. Pretty much end of the day. Like you can't really say no. There's never really a no. There's always a way to do something. And I definitely learned in that job.

I worked with a lot of, like, contractors. She was, like, having work done at her house and all this stuff. And I think Mari always says, like, I'm really good at asking for what I want. And in that job, I was not. Like, I used to be the person. I'd be like, Mom, can you, like, call the doctor to make my appointment? Like, I hated asking. My order was wrong somewhere. I'd be like, it's fine. I'll just eat it. Like, I hated being annoying. I don't know. I hated asking for things. But in that job, like, I had to learn to ask for things because...

I wouldn't be able to get my job done. And a lot of time I was asking things that people did not want me to ask, which was even worse. But it was a really hard experience. I'm sure anyone that's worked in entertainment can tell you that. But it really does. I think that's like when I was in my Hollywood phase and I was like living in Hollywood and working in the hills. And you see the other side of Hollywood and you see how it really is not glamorous and how it's a lot of work and how it's really lonely. I was traveling a lot with her.

And I remember being like in Hong Kong at this beautiful hotel by myself. And like, I think I like went to bed super late and was waking up super early. And I was in this gorgeous, probably the nicest hotel room I've ever stayed in. It was beautiful. And I was alone. I had no one to share it with. I also was a very confidential job. So like, I didn't really tell anyone about it. I was like, this sucks. Like I'm in Hong Kong.

No sleep. Could you experience the country at all or no? Kind of like we would go out like I tried to go to like the market, that big market they have there. And I went there briefly, but like I pretty much when I was traveling, I was working. But would you say that she was lonely too? Like, did it give insight on her life as well?

I don't want to speak for her, but I think that lifestyle just in general is very lonely. I know like Lady Gaga put it the best way. She was like, all day I have people telling me what to do and in my ear and I have my assistant and all this stuff. And then like at night you're alone. I think that such dramatic shift is like a lot for people to handle. And yeah, it's definitely really lonely life. What was your work-life balance like back then? I had none. None.

And that was also a big time where I think a mix of like the pressures of Hollywood and not having time for myself to like go work out. If I did have time, I was too tired.

I probably was making excuses. I could have woken up early, but I was exhausted. Like, I was just so exhausted by the end of the day. Like, I'm sorry. I was like, I'm not about to go to the gym right now. And I would really not eat a ton all day because I was just, like, constantly moving. And then I would get home and binge because I was so hungry all day. And, like, I was stressed. Oh, my God. I know, like, some people don't eat when they're stressed. I am, like, a human being.

garbage can when I'm stressed. Like, I will eat anything and everything. Like, even days, like, if me and Mari have a crazy day, like, I will find myself in the pantry, like, eating one of those little chocolate Reese's, like, the health, like... Oh, we love those. I don't know. Like, just, like, I need, like, sugar. Like, I start craving stuff. And so when I was super stressed, I would come home and, like, order a pizza and, like, eat the entire thing and then feel awful. And then, like, on top of being stressed about my life and job, I'd be, like...

Why did I do that? And like, I'm like sabotaging myself. And it was just not a good cycle. Did you feel like at any point you lost control of your eating habits? I don't think I ever like...

I classified myself or like got help for an eating disorder. But I remember actually reaching out to a friend who had experienced something similar. And like at one point I asked her for like facilities because I was starting to really I did go through a phase of like binging and purging. Like I would come home and not

eat all day and then eat a ton and feel so sick. I would eat till I felt sick, kind of, just like not even on purpose. But then it kind of turned into like a comfort thing. And like there was a point where, and I can't believe I'm, I don't really talk about it. It's embarrassing. It's like really shameful. But like I would go to like a McDonald's and get a ton of food and like eat it in the garage and throw away the bag before I got up to my apartment so my roommates wouldn't see. And they probably had no clue. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And at that point, I was eating knowing I was going to make myself get sick to not eat those calories. And it was so comforting when you do it. Like, I gave in and it would feel so good. And then I would, you know, purge or whatever. And I wouldn't be like, okay, like, now I can be thin and not.

you know, have the repercussions of eating it. But it was, it got to a very bad point for sure. Yeah. I know that topic's really hard to talk about and I appreciate you bringing it up because I think a lot of girls listening can relate in so many ways. Could you give any advice to anyone listening on how you got yourself out of that place? So I would definitely say seek help. I was thinking about this on the way here. Like when you're in that kind of position, I did the same thing. You justify it. You're like,

like even me telling you now I'm like I didn't really have an eating disorder I hear you justifying it like if I was a couple times a week I even remember googling like does this count like if I'm only doing it this many times a week it's not like I'm doing it every meal if something is consuming your mind there's a problem and so kind of like I'm doing I think a lot of people especially when they're in the thick of it they try to justify it and you know I have friends and stuff that have had eating disorders and

aren't eating enough and they're like oh I'm like on a diet like everyone tries to justify it you know they don't want people to be worried about them but I never really spoke too much about it with like my family or friends even because I was really embarrassed and again like I don't want anyone to worry about me I like to take care of other people and the last thing I want is for someone to feel like they have to take care of me but and I just don't want to worry anyone like I never wanted to worry my parents again probably something from my childhood I'm like I'm good I'm

That was not good. Therapy. Seek help. Yeah. I finally, so like I reached out to that friend and asked her for this facility. And I think that was the breaking point where I was like, look, I don't want to do that. I don't, I really don't want to like call my mom and tell her I think I need to do this. And I was like, I think, let me take a, let me take a baby step and let me try to figure it out by myself. And if I can't, then I will do this, you know? But so I found a therapist. It's crazy. Like I realized my whole first year and a half with her was probably all about food.

my relationship with food. And definitely talking to someone helped a lot. Through that process, it's actually kind of crazy. It was during COVID and I found Mari and I found her workout plans and like Bloom. And I was using like the protein and like protein oats. And it's kind of wild, but like even finding someone like Mari who,

was like a taller girl and a bigger girl and like had muscle made me be like, oh, I don't have to look like these super thin models. Like, no offense, you're stunning. But like you, you know what I mean? Like I was like, oh, like muscle is cool. And like, oh, like she eats like a bunch of eggs and like protein. Oh, it's like, I don't know. I was just like, oh, like there are girls. I finally, I think I stopped. I went on my Instagram and I unfollowed every model. I'm

I'm sure I could name a bunch. I unfollowed all those Victoria's Secret models. I was like, when I go on my feed, and this is when like Instagram feed was like, I still very different. Like every time I got on my Instagram, I felt so bad about myself and I unfollowed all of them. Like literally every single one of them. And I was like, I'm done seeing them. And I started following like fitness girls. Mari was one of them. And I think that just alone, just realizing what you're consuming day to day was a huge part. So definitely changing what I consume today.

I started like working out and being like, okay, like I'm going to try to put muscle on and then definitely like the therapy. Those were kind of three things that I think I made the adjustments to. And I think I've been able to come out of that and kind of 180. And I definitely, every day is not great, but I have a way better relationship with food now. Like I eat like rice regularly.

and oatmeal. I eat food, which is crazy. If you had told me back then that I was going to eat as much rice a day as I am, I would have been like, oh. I was terrified of rice. Oh my god, and bread. I remember making, I wouldn't make avocado toast. I'd make sweet potato toast with avocado on it, which like, okay, sweet potato is still a carb. I thought it was like it's a vegetable. It's better, but I would not eat a piece of toast. My roommate back then thought I was a nut.

She would come home with like In-N-Out. And I was like, get that out of the house. Can't be around it. I feel like bodybuilding is pretty magic in that way that it does completely shift your mindset. And it's so much...

more empowering to go into the gym and be like, I'm putting size on. And that sounds odd. And I think a lot of girls worry about getting bulky or whatever it is. You're not going to get bulky, guys. Like, I wish. You're not going to get bulky. I look at myself in the gym and I'm like, we freaking wish we could get bulky. Shoulders, shoulders. You would have to literally dedicate your life for years to get bulky and eat so much food. But having the goal of like,

growing your glutes and your shoulders and having that protein it's so much healthier than getting smaller and that's what i've always loved about weight lifting and i for me it completely changed my mental state and it sounds like it did for you too yeah it was a huge part of it for sure i got to a point where i was on my fitness pal and i was like 1200 calories a day just walking oh i was doing soul cycle a ton 1200 is nothing that's a toddler like that's literally nothing

the least calories I could eat and the most calories I could burn. Like that was the focus. And it's like my mindset is so different now. So present day, you're working in the somewhat in the health industry. I mean, a lot of our day revolves around talking about topics like this and making content around nutritious food. Has that had an impact on the way you view your fitness journey? Like has that impacted you at all? I would say so. I mean, but like I said, I think it was a really positive impact on me. You know, I think...

Obviously, the health and wellness industry can always have, I think, a little bit of a toxic side to it. I work for you. You're the one that's on camera. So I know that is a lot of pressure on you. And I see that on you every day, which I think can sometimes reflect. But if anything, I think it...

makes me realize that it's not like everything and that like I mean this in the nicest way Mari has like crazy nice abs but like does she always have like a ripped six-pack no what do you mean you don't see it right now as I'm sitting here don't tell them this I'm spilling all the beads but like seriously like Mari like she has abs but like does she have abs at the end of the day after we've like had a big salad no but I know that

Does the world know that? I can't believe you're exposing my salad belly on my podcast, on my own show. No, but that's such a good point. Sorry. And I think I know Mari, it's like a pressure to her because like, you know, the side she shows the world is this like,

ripped at Mario. But like, she doesn't see that all the time either. So I was like, oh, okay. So like, maybe if I don't look like that all the time, even the people that you think look like that all the time, don't. It's the angles. It's the lighting. It's first thing in the morning before you've had a crumb. It's the whole thing. Literally an almond. Literally a crumb. It's over. Literally a crumb. Yeah. But you do work your ass off. And I think I saw that too. I was like, oh, wow. Okay. This girl like, eats super clean, works her butt off in the gym. Like,

I've seen what you worked for. And so that, I think it's been a good positive. You know, I've been like really dialed in on my workouts lately. Fi has been on her shit, guys. This fitness journey you're on is so cool. Thanks. Are you feeling amazing? I actually, it's funny. I woke up this morning and I was like, I feel like I've been doing like six weeks now, guys, of like trying to eat like kind of to a plan with a lot of protein, a lot more carbs than I'm used to in weightlifting. And like, I finally woke up this morning and was like, oh,

No, you look amazing. Thank you. You do. It's hard when you look at yourself every day. We talk about this a lot. When you look at yourself every day, it's really hard to notice things, but like others around you. Someone came up to me at the gym and was like, all your hard work's like paying off, like we can tell. And I was like, really? Like you can tell? I think more importantly, the way you...

feel and the way you present yourself you just seem so energetic and so on it and really like Brightened up in general and it's I mean you're super committed every day. She brings in her meal prep It's amazing. I know at the beginning me and Mara used to like we get salads like we'd order in salads But at the beginning she'd be like do you want your salad today? I was like, oh no, like I brought my meal Oh, okay, but

But who's meal prepping now? Listen, I'm inspired. We're going to Tulum for New Year's and we're both getting on our grind. Yeah, guys, I came in this morning. I was like, so I meal prepped all weekend. Four hours. I was sweating. I'm like, who's the fitness influencer now? Jeez. Okay. So we talked a lot about fitness. Let's pause here. This was an amazing part one. We haven't even talked about our relationship yet.

So guys, if you want to listen to how Fee and I met, what our dynamic is, make sure you listen to part two. Thank you, Fee. You're welcome. I can talk forever. I know. I can't stop. Maybe you need a show. Fiddle Fee hits the mic. That's her nickname, by the way, guys. Fiddle. Someone we were working with asked Mari, she's like, do you ever call her Fiddle? I was like, what? No, but now I'm going to. She's like, Fiddle. Fiddle. Okay, guys. See you on part two.

Thank you for listening to today's episode. Go comment on my last Instagram at Mari Llewellyn with the guest you want to see next. I'll be picking one person from the comments to send our bloom greens to. Make sure you hit follow so you never miss my weekly episodes. If you enjoyed the conversation, be sure to share and leave a review. See you next week.