Delusion and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
46:58 Share

Hi guys, welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week I'm going to talk a little bit about being delusional. I've talked about this before in my episode called How to Be Hot and Confident, but I have since developed more thoughts on this and more evidence to back up my arguments. So I will be starting now. Okay, so here's what I think. When I made that episode, How to Be Hot and Confident, I'll link it below if you want to go watch it, or you can just fucking type it into the search bar. Um,

I actually was not being delusional about being hot or confident. In fact, I was at such a low point with my confidence that I was being so mean to myself and I have since that video

which was, I don't know, like six or seven months ago. I've basically bullied the shit out of myself every day. And I'm just like, you're just the fucking worst, aren't you? You just suck. You're just annoying and ugly, aren't you? And I don't know how I was able to make that video. I think it's because that mindset of how to be hot and confident in everything I said in that video, I had had that mindset about a year before. And the funny thing is, is I had had that mindset when I realistically had no reason

to have that mindset. Do you know what I mean? I was at a point in my life where I was really struggling financially, really struggling mentally. I was still at university. I didn't have basically any friends. I was living in a place that was 200 pounds in rent a month, like dirt cheap. And I was still fucking broke. And I was writing my dissertation or my thesis for my American girlies. And I was so stressed, like stressed to the point of

permanent illness. I started to be really delusional when I was in like the worst stage of my life. Okay. And realistically, I had no reason to believe this. Here's my motto. Okay. A lot of your life is perspective. And I know that's a basic take. Duh. Duh, it's perspective. But I mean it in kind of a different way in terms of the blessings that come to you

are all also based on perspective. For example, if I am doing my manifestations and I'm believing them and I'm starting to feel really confident and I'm believing that I am this person that goodness comes to and my wishes are granted and I'm just like this powerful kind of being and I'm just so confident and I'm so happy and those are in my manifestations of like

this is who I am. I am this lucky person. I am this great person. And something bad happens to me. Say I get a flat tire. I'm going to see that flat tire differently because what I will then think is, well, it kept me safe from something that I obviously wasn't meant to encounter. Okay. For example, I got a flat tire not long ago and I was mad about it because I was like, what the fuck? I needed to get somewhere. And then I kind of pulled myself back and I was like, hold on.

What if you weren't supposed to get there? What if something really bad was going to happen either on your way there or you were going to meet someone you shouldn't have met or you were going to say something you shouldn't have said or something was going to get hurt, something was going to happen. And let's say this is divine intervention, okay? That is how I will view that situation if I believe in myself and I trust the universe to do its thing and I believe that I'm blessed and I believe that I'm lucky and I believe that I am taken care of. Equal.

equally. If I'm in a phase of my life where the world is against me and everything is hard and I am a person who is punished and unlucky and nothing is going my way and I'm not confident and I don't love myself, then that flat tire is just a fucking flat tire and I'm fucking late to my appointment and now I have to change it on the side of the road and nothing good is coming of this. Do you know what I mean? So it's like,

The blessings in your life don't necessarily increase because you're manifesting them, but your mood does and your outlook does. And so by that logic, so do the blessings that you receive because you start to see them. Do you understand what I mean? And this was like the biggest eye-opener for me when I first started to decide that I was unhappy with my life. I decided I was unhappy with my life probably about three years ago.

And sorry, my phone keeps fucking slipping. My octopussy is not doing its job. I decided I was unhappy with my life. About three years ago, I was at university. I was in my third year and I was really fucking stressed out. It was like the tail end of COVID lockdown. I hadn't seen another human for like six months. And I was dressing like shit.

And the reason I was dressing like shit, I promise this is going somewhere, is because my ex-girlfriend dressed like shit. Love you, but really. And I dressed exactly like her because she was like my idol. And I was just like in awe of her. And even after we broke up, my style didn't change because I still kind of thought she was cool for some reason. And...

I was dressing very slobbish, we'll say. And that's cool. If that's your style, love it. It just wasn't mine. And I didn't feel like it matched this idea of myself that I had in my head. But for some reason, this idea of myself that I had in my head was for an older version of me. A cooler, older version of me. I turned 20. And I was feeling so different. So I was like, I'm 20 now, you know? Really got to get serious. And I was laying in bed one night and I discovered Zara.

Okay, why did I not know about Zara before? I've lived in a hole most of my life. I'll admit it, okay? ♪

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world, feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online, or visit the website to find a store near you.

This episode is brought to you by Vitamin Water. So much of what the world is obsessed with starts out in New York City. It's a place full of style and character that has something for everyone. With a range of flavors to meet any kind of taste, it's no wonder Vitamin Water was born there. Colorful, flavorful, anything but boring, Vitamin Water injects a daily dose of vibrancy into a watered-down life. Grab a Vitamin Water today. Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Glasso.

Also, if you can hear snoring, my dog is sleeping next to me. I discovered Zara and I went on their website and a lot of the models looked exactly how I wanted to look. They were dressed how I wanted to dress.

because their website's way cooler than the shop. Because every time I have been into the shop before and I was always like, oh, this is my style. And then I went on the website and I was like, what is this high fashion? What is this? This is not what they sell in store. Anyway. And I said to myself, and I have this saved in my phone because I took a picture of myself that night. And I said, I am done with dressing like shit. I'm in my 20s. These are the hottest years of my life. I said, I'm a Zara girl now. And being a Zara girl somehow ended up all

up ultimately leading to me being a Saint Laurent girl and a Dior girl and a Prada girl and a Chanel girl. Everything starts somewhere. So what I decided was I was going to be hot and I was going to grow out my hair because I'd had a buzz cut and I didn't feel like myself with it. I wanted long hair. I wanted to be super feminine and I wanted to start dressing feminine too. So I just made this decision this one night where I was like,

like what am I doing this isn't me I don't like this and after that in order to kind of become the version of myself I wanted to be I had a list of things I needed to do one of them get over my ex so I started working on it okay started listening to really upbeat music instead of the sad shit that I've been playing for six months and I started jumping around my room literally feeling every emotion that this song could offer me and it was since you've been gone by Kelly Clarkson I still eat that song up

Okay. And I got so excited. And this is the first time I learned about excitement and the power that it has. I was so excited to be over her and to welcome the rest of my life and to be this hot new version of myself where I could wear Zara clothing and grow my hair out. And I was...

overdosing on biotin tablets, okay, to make my hair grow faster. And everyone always says, how have you grown so much hair in like two and a half years, three years, however long it's been. This is after like four, if I hadn't cut my hair, I'm not kidding you, I overdosed on biotin. Borderline, okay? For like a year straight too. It was bad, but it worked. If you're looking to grow hair quicker, I recommend, but it can give you acne. So be careful, okay? And it can like fuck your body up if you take it. It didn't give me acne, but whatever. Or maybe it did. And...

I'm not kidding you. After discovering Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson, or rediscovering, I should say, because I don't live under that much of a rock, I rediscovered the song. And I got so excited. I was dancing around my little uni room to it. I was literally thrilled. I was like, I feel so ready to get over here. I feel ready. Because for a long time after we broke up,

I didn't want to go over her. I was like, I can't like, I don't want to forget her. I don't want to move on. I'm happy to be here in pain as long as I'm not forgetting about this girl. Like it was a crazy time in my life. And this song was the first thing to make me excited and ready to get over her. And it was about a week of me listening to this song literally every second of the day and being so happy and just feeling this rush. And it wasn't genuine happiness, but it was like severe dopamine. Like almost you're in a manic episode. Like it was, I don't,

I don't like to feel that way anymore because it's actually draining. But it was the first time it happened to me. And I can still tap into that emotion now, but I try not to because it's actually hard. But like to deal with after, shut up. But like a week after I felt this way, who phones me up? My ex. And luckily I had been asleep.

and so I did not see it and I did not respond the next day either because I was it was 8am what the fuck am I gonna do text my ex back from 3am then I thought no I'm not fucking insane and then I was like wait what happened there because I've been grieving you for like nearly a year and I have been begging the universe for you to call me I've begged god I don't even believe in god I've sat in our favorite spot in the forest like I've waited for you to show up magically I've

prayed on this not religious and i've fucking been praying for you to just call me text me say sorry make an apology come back to me in some way and you fucking didn't you've given me nothing okay and now the one week i'm feeling happy and i'm actually starting to detach myself from you

You call me and you apologize via text, via voice message. I had like 50 missed calls from her. And this was the first day where I was like, I think I have some kind of powers. I think I might be able to bring desired things into my own life via the energy that I create.

And that was when my life changed. And so then I got into understanding what manifestation was. And I still don't understand it because I don't like when things get complicated because I feel like it ruins it for me. Like I see TikToks and people like, oh, it's physics. Look it up. It's molecular structure. And there's parallel universes. All this is proved. And we can see in the solar system. Shut the fuck up because I'm never going to understand that. But what I understand is

is that when I have a strong emotion towards something, particularly excitement, that is when I have power to bring things into my life. Now, this goes both ways, okay? If I, and this is what I've been thinking for the last six months, I'm stupid, I hate myself, I'm ugly, I'm lame, I'm not interesting, no one likes me, then that is exactly what I will bring into my life too. And again, most of it is through perspective.

About a week before Coachella, I was sat at Alex Cooper's home, depressed, and I was like, I just think I should quit and just shut the fuck up forever. And I think that's the best course of action for me. I think I just need to shut the fuck up and stop yapping. And then I was like, okay, well, you can do that, which is fine. Like, of course you can quit anytime you fucking want. But I don't really want to. And

Here's the thing. Let me just try my hand at this one more time of being delusional. So I sat down with a napkin and a pen and I wrote down some things that I wanted to happen to me at Coachella. And I

And I'd been wanting these interactions for like three months and I hadn't done anything to get them because I was like, no, like this person hates me and I don't even think we would get on. And like, I don't deserve friends and I'm a miserable person and everyone fucking hates me. And like, well, if that's what you believe, then that's what you're going to see, babe.

Anyway, so I decided I was going to be delusional. And I wrote these things down on this piece of paper. And I was like, okay, you know what? I'm great. I'm happy. I'm confident. People like me. I easily make friends. And whatever, whatever, whatever. And I had no specific thing in mind. I was just like, this is my vibe now. Okay, I'm a great person. And I make friends all the time. And everyone loves Madeline. And then...

That's exactly how my Coachella went. Because I believed it. Because I got so excited, just sat in front of this napkin with the possibility that any of this could be true. And I just got this little feeling back in my chest, like this little fire right here where I was like, wait, what if this is true? And what if I can make this happen? And what if my life isn't over? And what if? And the same possibility.

person who has created this life for myself so far and I'm still just as powerful and what if nothing has changed about the way people view me except my perception of the way people view me and actually the world is still there with open arms for me and what if I have the ability to make new friends and I have the ability to have new good experiences what if the only thing in my way is me and so I was like let me just stand out of my own way for five fucking seconds I'll just dare to do that for one week I'll just

stop being a little bitch and see if this works what do I have to lose and so that's exactly what I did and I felt so much better for it I walked to Coachella feeling good just delusionally believing good things about myself and I say delusional because like I said about the flat tire everything is your perspective I could

Let me tell you, everyone at Coachella could have fucking hated me. They could have thought my outfits were ugly. They could have thought I was annoying. I was too loud. I was too quiet. I was rude. I was overly polite. God knows. But because I walked into Coachella thinking people like me, I'm likable. I'm a good person with good intentions. That's exactly how I thought people viewed me unless they gave me a massive reason to think otherwise, which no one did. People spoke to me nicely. They spoke to me with respect. People wanted to be my friend. Not everyone, but like, you know, people weren't

There was no weird vibe. I met new people. I met old friends. I met new friends. I met strangers. It was positive. And because of my perspective on the whole thing, I walked out of there thinking, yeah, that was great, as opposed to,

that was actually awful probably everyone hated me I think I made a mess of myself like five different times like that all could be true everyone could have fucking hated me everyone could have loved me but because I walk out choosing to believe that I was absolutely fine and that I got on really well with people and that I understood the vibe correctly then that is what I'm gonna believe

for the rest of eternity unless someone literally tells me otherwise and because I believe in that it upped my confidence so much feeling like I have the social ability to go into an unfamiliar place and be okay with it and make new friends and see new things and experience new things and now

In the weeks after Coachella, I'm not worrying about Coachella. I'm not sat here pondering the social interaction that I had because I think everything was okay. And I think it was a positive experience. And that is completely up to me. Okay, unless something mad happened where I'm like, oh no, that was 100% fucked up.

No, it's like up to me because everything is ambiguous. And listen, even if you paid someone all the money in your bank account to give you a full and honest review of exactly what they actually think about you and the way they actually perceive you, you still won't know how they really perceive you because you're not them. You're not inside their head as much as you might want to be or not.

And so it's really up to you to make that decision. And I'm not saying this applies all the time, okay? A lot of people need to realize things about the way they behave and a lot of people aren't necessarily the best people and a lot of people should take a very hard look at themselves. I'm not saying this goes against

all rules of reality. I'm just saying you can make certain decisions to believe certain things and you will see them come to fruition in your own life because everything is about perspective. You are the only person who can genuinely create your reality.

You understand? I remember in sociology when I was like 15, I keep spitting. Can you guys see? It's disgusting. I remember when I was like 15 in sociology, I learned about self-fulfilling prophecies and what that was. And I remember the first time I heard that term, I was like, oh my God, so much of my life makes sense now. This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions...

Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women. In 2020, the brand launched the Mejuri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals.

Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you. So basically, if you don't know what a self-fulfilling prophecy is, it's particularly like prevalent in children because your sense of self is less developed, obviously.

Picking happens to anyone. And it's basically if you are told something about yourself, then you believe it and it becomes so. For example, as a kid, I was always told I wasn't very academic.

because I was so shy I couldn't speak I couldn't even write things down at school because I was embarrassed of someone seeing my handwriting I when I was like six years old I put my hand up for the actually I was definitely like nearly 10 I put my hand up at school for the first time to answer a question and I got sent to the principal's office to receive a smiley face sticker I my mom she kept every sticker I was ever given at school so I

I got sent to the principal's office and I got a little orange smiley face sticker for putting my hand up in glass and answering a question because I'd never done it before because I didn't want my voice to be heard. And which is so funny, given what I do now for a living, like when did this become a thing? But it's probably because I have so many years of suppressed words in me that you can't shut me the fuck up now.

Like that's actually genuinely probably why. Anyways, so because I was so painfully shy as a kid, a lot of people underestimated that I could read or write or really do anything because I wouldn't, they would speak to me and I would just blink at them. Like I wouldn't,

answer them. I wouldn't tell them, oh yeah, I know the answer to this question or like, it wouldn't write things down. So understandably people thought that I didn't know how to do anything. And so I was put into my first special needs class at age six, even though I don't have special needs, people just thought that I was really struggling academically because I wouldn't tell them otherwise. I wouldn't tell them I could read a book. I wouldn't tell them I could do the two plus two equals four because I was so embarrassed of being alive. And

And I think that all of that built up in my head. And also, I have a sister that's very bright. She's very academically gifted. She always has been. She's always been maths and science based. And she, everyone knows it. And she's been praised for that since she was a kid. Me, on the other hand, I was not so...

so much praise for that I could always read really good like at home in front of my mum I could read really good and so I've always been praised for being good at reading and good at English okay and I don't think it's a coincidence that I went on to study linguistics at university because I think it was the only thing I was praised for throughout my life because like I can't do maths and I can't do fucking science well I'm not terrible at science but like I'm not gifted at it and like whereas reading I'm really good at and writing I'm really good at and so obviously I

don't think it's a coincidence that the one thing I'm always praised for, especially in comparison to my sister, who basically can't write. Okay.

okay she can't write she can't fucking read she can't spell she's not dyslexic she's just bad at it like she just it's just not her forte and she fucking hates it too she's so much more maths and sciencey and she did physics and maths a level like she's one of those and so especially having that comparison to my sister you're good at this you're good at this i was like yeah this is my personality now and i don't think it's a coincidence that i went to university and got a degree in it and planned my whole life around basically working

in the field of linguistics. You know, I don't think that's a coincidence. And so I also started to realize around 17 when I was like really learning sociology because I took an A level in it.

that a lot of the beliefs that I had about myself were nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. And once I understood what that was, I started to debunk certain beliefs in my head. So I spent most of my life thinking that I was honestly just not smart and not academically gifted or anything. And maybe that's true because especially at university, like I got a pretty good grade coming out of university, but I had to work for it. But it also...

bear in mind, I had never bothered. Like, I did not work. I went through the entire of my school career not lifting a finger. And what do you expect if you do that? You know, my sister kind of did the same, but she always did her homework. But she always got good grades, even if she didn't. Whereas me, I never did a single piece of homework. Never. Like,

never. Like I'm not being funny when I tell you probably the most assignments I handed in throughout the whole of secondary school was 10. It was crazy. I was homeschooled for three years, to be fair. So once I realized it was a self-fulfilling prophecy because of things that I had been told, but not necessarily off of any real reasoning, it was just like other things had brought people to this conclusion that I was less able, I kind of got a bit

of got a bit mad about it and I was like wait am I smart can I do this and then I really applied myself and I realized that I could get like top grades I just had to work for them like I'm not one of those people that can just get them but I just had to work for them and my specialty wasn't always in English I genuinely was always really good at that and I still am and I enjoy it you know I started to realize after learning what the self-fulfilling prophecy was how strong your beliefs about yourself are

can affect your achievement in life. Because I had just gone through life thinking that I was stupid. And then one day I realized that's not really true. And there were other reasons as to why I felt this way about myself. And that's kind of just what I had been told about myself. And also, as a kid with anxiety, like serious anxiety, like

panic attacks. I mean, I spent most of my life out of education. Not most, but I would say at least half. Is that true?

maybe maybe more than a quarter but maybe not half whatever um out of education because I was too mentally ill to be there like I I talk a lot about mental illness just kind of openly and on this podcast but I don't think anyone really understands like how serious I am when I say I was mentally ill as a kid I am not kidding I came out this way like

I was, the first time I left school due to my brain was I was seven years old. And then I ended up at another school. I got kicked out because I couldn't handle my emotions. And it wasn't a very good school anyway. Fuck them. Because I've spent so much of my life kind of being like this troublesome child and

and having issues that just took precedence over my education, honestly, they were more urgent and more consuming for me. Because I spent so much time doing that, I was always behind at school. And I never, like, the first time I left school, I was seven. So it's like,

I fell behind in year three. That's the second grade, by the way. Like, what chance do you have of thinking that you're bright when then you go back to a classroom after being out of school for a period of time because your head is fucked up? You're not going to think you're smart, but as a kid, you're not going to understand, hey, babe, you just haven't been in class and everyone's got an advantage now because they've been here.

I just thought I was stupid because I didn't understand the material. Well, no one had taught me. And because I didn't understand that as a kid, I just had this large belief that I was stupid. And once I understood that and where that belief came from, I realized it wasn't real. And that was kind of when I think I started to realize who I was as a person and realized that my innate beliefs about myself are not inherently true and that

If you just debunk them and believe something different, you will get different results. Like, it's that simple, okay? I remember I decided one time at university that I was just a genius. And I had... Do you know why? Because I had watched Killing Eve and I fell in love with... The fuck was her name? Villanelle. I fell in love with her and I decided I was...

I'm not even kidding. I was learning Russian. I was like, I'm going to learn Russian. I was also learning Mandarin at the time. And I was low-key getting good at both of them. Okay. I was doing it at university. I was not Duolingo-ing it. I was like serious about this shit. And I was taking night classes in Russian because I had a crush on a girl. Okay. This is how insane I am. But mind you, she's not even a real character. Anyway. And I decided because she was so intelligent, I was like, I want to be like her. I

I'm intelligent and I was so fucking crazy about her that I was like no I'm exactly like her also I could probably kill someone if I wanted to also I'm intelligent also I can just speak Russian now and so I went to my little night classes and I learned my little Mandarin and my little Russian I had to learn Mandarin for my courses but anyway I did not have to learn Russian and I just decided I was like no I'm actually really smart just because I was delusional I wanted to be exactly like it like this was the last like childish crush I had where I was like I'm gonna be them

I haven't done that since, thank god, because it was terrifying but- Oh my doggy's watching. Do you guys want to see her? She's so cute. She looks dead. Anyway, and during this phase of my life where I was so deeply obsessed with Villanelle, I got such a high mark in one of my classes that I was particularly enjoying at the time. It was a class in phonetics.

It qualified to be put up for running of like an honorary master's level grade. Fuck me. I can't remember what it was. But anyway, it was in the running for something really cool. My assignment. And it was in forensic linguistics. And that's how I figured out that that was what I wanted to do. Because I was like, shit, I'm good at this. But...

And just by changing my belief about myself, yes, by a psychotic obsession with a serial killer, yes. But nonetheless, okay, I changed my belief system and I was like, I don't want to be stupid anymore because Villanelle is smart. And so I was like, I'm smart. And then I just was smart. And look, it doesn't apply. I couldn't have sat down and taken a fucking science class and understood it. Or I couldn't have sat GCSE maths exam and passed it because, you know, I never...

I've got my math shoes on. He's now embarrassing. I still don't have it. I reached out four times. It might have been five. I don't remember. Look, some things you can't defeat even with the power of thought. For me, that is maths. But some things you can alter just by gaining a bigger understanding of who you are as a person. Good morning. Gaining... Hi. Hi.

Can I have a kiss? Kiss? I don't think it's possible to change everything about your life with a simple thought by any means. But I do think that it's possible to massively change your perspective on yourself to the avail of something in your life changing. And for me, recently, that's been deciding again that I'm likable and that I am worthy of people's time. Because for a really long time, I didn't think that.

I think it's also been a case of relearning some self-respect. And I say this all the time and then I continue to disrespect myself all the time. But I think that the way that you treat yourself in your personal life, what you put up with, who you put up with,

It all transpires in your life in different ways. Like I could... Okay, you know what I... Sorry, this is kind of off topic, but it's actually not. What I learned the other day, this is a topic. I don't know why it's just come to my mind. I learned that

If you have sex as a woman with a man, okay, or someone with a penis, okay, if you have a vagina, you have sex with a man. Wait, what? If you have a vagina and you have sex with a penis, okay, you know when you... Ugh, I hate saying this. Mum, stop watching. Mum, go away. Jess, go away. Dad, go away. Linda, go away. Okay. Okay.

You know when you have sex and you get that feeling of being turned on and it's like here, it's like you kind of like, you get that wave, like you see someone, you see something, even if it's you're watching TV, whatever. And you get that feeling of like, I'm turned on. Like it's like a punch to the gut kind of. When you feel that way, this is gross. Your vagina gets longer on the inside. And it was described to me as

well i swear tiktok as having the female equivalent of a boner okay because it like gets longer so gross when you don't get that feeling of being turned on so fucking interesting to me because how much minor trauma women put into their bodies by having sex that their body isn't ready for

is insane. I've spent years of my life doing it. In fact, I've almost exclusively done it. All right? It's like, what is literally sitting on it? You're so sweet. Is your lip caught in your tooth? Are you so cute? I don't know.

I love you. Anyways, isn't that fucking crazy? But I was just thinking about small ways that we consistently disrespect ourselves and our personal lives. That if you're doing mantras and saying, I love myself. I believe that I am worthy of respect. I believe that I am worthy of love. I believe that I am, you know, all these things. I believe that I am all these things. It's harder to...

get results I believe from those beliefs because when you're showing yourself consistently in small ways that you don't care about that and that you will continue to disrespect yourself and that you aren't embodying someone who would be those things you know what I mean it's so important to be mindful of like the small little aggressors in everyday life that we do to ourself that

Translate to our brains and our fucking Paris. The fuck is that thing called? Your spine. Your nervous system. You translate messages all the time, I think, of... I actually don't care if I'm respected. I actually don't care if my life is good.

I actually don't care to respect myself. And I think it happens in small ways day in and day out, especially for women. And it's really tricky to stop doing those things, especially when you're not even fucking told about your anatomy and you don't even know that you're having sex your body doesn't want. And it's like, duh, I'm not turned on. I know when I'm fucking turned on or not. But it's also like you can intellectualize yourself being in the mood or you can just like get yourself in the mood. You know what I mean? But it's like there is...

another level to it and it's like well a guy knows when he wants to fuck because his dick gets hard you know it's that simple um but women I guess you know you're supposed to I'm so sorry this is so gross but like people use spit they use other things you don't have to be even that physically turned on to still have sex and most women will still do it and it's it's really bad like and the more that I deep it and I'm one of those people that's like oh stop deeping things oh shut up oh I don't care for this like

I don't like to deep things like that in life. And I'm just like, oh, shut up. But sometimes an idea like that catches my attention. I'm like, damn it. Maybe you're right. Maybe you have a point. Maybe I do need, maybe things are that deep. You know what I mean? Like I saw a video.

I'm yapping. I saw a video a couple weeks ago and this woman was like, if you're a 20 year old woman living alone right now for the first time, you're probably one of the first women in your ancestry line to be able to live alone in your 20s or at all. I was like, that's fucking crazy. My mom lived alone when she was younger. Kind of not by choice. She kind of got kicked out. But sorry, not funny. But my grandma definitely never lived alone in her youth.

Actually, I feel like she lived alone in her 30s. My lineage is kind of... Well, here's the thing. Mental illness runs in my family deeply. They've kind of just been on their own wave, regardless of the times, you know? But...

What is my point? I don't know. I think what the girl in the video was trying to portray was for a lot of women in this lifetime, they will be one of, if not the first woman to be able to live alone and have her own house and pay her own bills and shit. Because remember, women couldn't even have bank accounts 60 years ago. Now that could be false information. I'm just pretty sure that's true. I think it's right.

Could be wrong, for sure. But I think that's how it goes, which is kind of crazy. So I feel like we just, you know, need to remember that. What am I talking about? I saw a comment like three weeks ago and it was someone being like, I can't wait. What the fuck did they tell me? They were like, I find it so funny that Madeline sits down without a plan for her podcast and just yap, yap, yaps.

I was like, how do you know I don't have a fucking plan? But I don't. I've never sat down here with a plan. And it's, but it feels so good to me to just sit here and like burden you with my thoughts. You'll know how I know I'm addicted to my fucking phone. I'm filming this podcast episode on it right now, which I usually don't. I usually use my big camera. And I keep thinking, where's my phone? Haven't checked my phone in ages. Bitch, it's right in front of you. I'm staring at it and I keep going, where's my phone? Haven't seen it in five minutes. Guys, Bug got sick yesterday and I don't know why, but we woke up.

yes it oh good job we woke up in the morning and usually she runs straight into my bed and will sleep there for a couple more hours like i'll go get her from the kitchen where her bed is and she didn't want to be in my room and i was like what the fuck i'm exhausted come back to bed bae and she wouldn't and she wanted to be in the garden and i was like oh she feels sick she was like eating grass and stuff i was like oh god then i see her have like violent diarrhea sorry tmi i see i have like diarrhea and i was like oh my god and then i see her

I didn't see her throw up, but she came in with foam around her mouth and I was like, oh, yucky. And then that was our morning. She wouldn't come inside for two hours. She just wanted to be out in the garden because she didn't feel good. And she's a very good girl. She doesn't want to throw up on the floor. So she was sick and then she didn't eat any breakfast. She wouldn't even take a treat. And I was like, oh my God, what have you fucking eaten? Yeah.

stupid creature i genuinely have no idea what she ate like i didn't see her eat anything bad we did go on a walk and she did eat some poop so maybe it was that but she does that all the time you literally can't stop her there's nothing you can do i've tried trust me and i so i don't know what happened

I was thinking maybe it was because I took her to the groomers and they gave her a couple of their treats and she's very got a sensitive tummy. So I was like, you can give her a few treats so that she doesn't like hate you for life, but like limit it. And they gave, they said they gave her four little treats that could have been enough, but to throw up and shit herself, I don't know. Anyways, that's what happened. And so I got back like four days ago from LA, um,

and i'm still really jet lagged so we slept on the sofa the entire day and i love loki secretly i love when she gets sick not because it's nice for you i get so sad but it means that she wants to sleep with me and so i just got to lay on the sofa and be jet lagged we watched lots of crazy natty yeah we sure did my sweet baby yeah you want to tell the people what you think good job yeah she's my mini me i think

Don't we look alike somehow? I get it. Like people say we look alike. I see it. Let me let me get more about

being confident because I only see positive things come into my life when I'm confident. And it's like, I have all the same blessings either way. Okay, I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I don't know that I have a level of conventional attractiveness. I'm not fucking stupid. Okay, whether or not I feel that way, completely unrelated. I'm not going to pretend like I don't understand that there is a way that the world sees me and that I can fit in, in certain ways. Okay, because of the way that I'm

built, okay? I'm not going to pretend like that's not an issue. It's not an issue. I'm not going to pretend like I don't see that and that it doesn't play to my strengths and advantages. Of course. But I will say that when I start to believe that I am unattractive and ugly and annoying and stupid, the world...

kind of shows that back to me. The people that I interact with kind of show that back to me. And whether or not that is in my perception or in reality, it doesn't matter because it has the same effect. I feel the misery.

Because that is what I perceived. I perceived that they wouldn't like me because I don't look a certain way. I perceived that the reason that I was not included in a conversation or not asked to come out that night was because I'm ugly. And so then that is how I live my life. You know what I mean? When I believe that I'm beautiful or I believe that I'm likable...

then that is what i see reflected back to me and then i live my life with higher dopamine levels and that is all it fucking boils down to how happy are you that's it like that that is the thing everyone strives for and it doesn't matter how much money you have because money might not make you happy it doesn't matter how well here's the thing money does buy happiness i fucking hate when people say that money doesn't fucking buy happiness of course it fucking does you stupid okay listen

Since I've had enough money to like afford to live comfortably, which is literally only by the way, the last six months, I'm not fucking kidding. I didn't get paid for so long. Um,

I... Okay, maybe the last year I've been able to, like, feed myself at least. But, like, when I tell you I was not getting paid, I mean it. Um... I mean, I was, but the money just didn't hit my account for a while. So I was still, like, living broke. Like, I'm not kidding you. It's got better now. Wait, could you fuck off? Go here. Good girl. ♪

But now I feel qualified to say the line, money does buy happiness. Of course it does. Not complete happiness. It doesn't buy fulfillment. That's for sure. I think people need to replace that word with fulfillment. Because it doesn't buy that. Of course it doesn't. It can't buy you love. It can't buy you friends. It can't buy you... Well, it can buy you experiences, but not genuine ones most of the time. And it comes with its own host of problems. Most of which I know nothing about because I'm not that rich. But...

My dilemma in life right now is where I want to live. I don't know where I want to live. And it's crazy that I can just make that choice at 23 years old. So here's why I'm thinking. And you guys can hopefully give me some advice in my comment section if you're watching on YouTube. Or you can DM me on Instagram if you want. But if you're watching on Spotify. But I...

don't want to be in the UK anymore. It's miserable here. It is so cold and so grey and it's just not the way I envision my life. It's not. It's miserable here. The people are fucking miserable. Everyone is stressed. No one is happy. It sucks. The UK sucks. I would love to raise a kid here. I would love to live here as an established adult. But right now what the fuck am I doing? Because I can't wear dresses and I can't get my bum out.

Okay, and I've been working hard at Pilates, so why shouldn't I get my bum out? So my next obvious choice is America. Because it's warmer over there. I don't want to live in New York. I'm not a New York girl. Well, I would love to be if I was like super rich and I could like afford like a nice house. But I just know if I move to New York right now, I'm living in a small, stinky little apartment and I don't. That's not for me. I don't want to choose struggle. No. So the next obvious choice for me is somewhere where it's always warm.

And that the rent is surprisingly somehow cheap. Not cheap. Cheap's the wrong word, but

Cheap in comparison to London, okay? And that is LA. I think LA suits me in the weirdest way because obviously everyone knows like I'm not the most social person and I don't really go in for the big influencer lifestyle. It just doesn't bring me anything, any happiness per se. It brings me anxiety, so I avoid it. But the reasons that I'm thinking about moving to LA is it's warm. The cheapest renter than London...

so true the cheapest renter than London guys the rent is fucking cheaper than London bitch and I love the weather okay the fact that I had my aircon on in January is insane and it's just like a relaxed

relaxed place to live it is palm trees it is warm it is nice cars it is fancy things not everywhere for sure but like you it is on your doorstep the way everyone is relaxed everyone walks so slowly there like in London I feel like I'm running a marathon every day I'm like sprinting why why it's so stupid and it's just like I was like why am I like

fighting for my life getting the tube in London at rush hour and like getting fucking bitten on the tube and like everyone's rushing it's raining it's cold my heating bill is through the roof but I could just be in LA

And I was like, I don't want to be one of those people that like moves to LA because what a cliche. And I hate when other people do it. Like, I like it because I'm like, oh, go you. I know that you're definitely having a good time. But I, whenever I've like been watching a content creator and they've moved to LA, I've been like, nevermind, babe. Lost another one. Um,

But I get why they do it because it's warm and it's nice. And people there are nice. Well, not all of them, but like a lot of them are really nice. It has a bad reputation, but I swear it is the company you keep because I've met such lovely people there. Also, I get my Pilates classes for free out there. I have to pay £35 a class here.

I can't fucking afford it. So I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking. I am thinking that I need to not be in the UK. I just I just don't want to like do the whole like moving to LA thing and like be that person. But I feel like I could make it cool. Right guys? I feel like I could make it cool. I feel like I could make it tolerable.

Oh, God. I just can't do this weather. I really can't. It's making me depressed and I've only been back three, four days. Guys, I'm actually going to have to cut this podcast episode off now because I need to poop. It snuck up on me. So I'm going to have to poop and my dog is definitely getting sick of my shit. She's been in this car with me for over an hour. I think I'm going to take a drive after this and just like drive around and listen. I cannot stop listening to Espresso by Sabrina Copter. Guys, it's like becoming an ailment.

I was up till 5am last night because I didn't want to turn off the song. I'm not kidding you.

Also, I'm jet lagged. But like, I was just so entertained by listening to the song and thinking about things that I was like, I can't go to sleep. I'm having too much fun. And now I'm exhausted. I woke up at 7am. But it's fine because me and Bugs napped all of yesterday. So I feel like we got three nights sleep in one day anyways. Because she was sick. So I was like, fuck yeah, I'm going to bed. And we both just slept the whole day. It was great. I love when she does that. Okay, I'm gonna shut the fuck up. This

I've seriously, you know, I got in this car thinking I have nothing to talk about. What am I going to talk about? And then I just went, and I haven't shut the fuck up since. I can't stand myself sometimes. Anyways, I'm going to go. Thanks for watching this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. Oh, guys, I have a favor to ask. There is something that says follow on Spotify. So you can follow the podcast. And most people that listen to the podcast don't follow it.

which is mean. So if you wouldn't mind, it's a favour from you to me, please. Can you follow the podcast? Listen, it's a numbers game, okay? And I'm just trying to get paid. Okay, I love you so much. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. I will be back next week with more yapping. Actually, we might have a special guest next week. Not telling you. You'll have to follow the podcast to find out.

Love you guys so much. I need to go poop. I really need to. Okay, love you. Bye.