S2 Ep3: Squirrel Enthusiast with Tracy Clayton
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Yo, I have seen movies that have been like, you're not going to believe the twist at the end. I'm like, I can believe this. But this shit?

Hi, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney, and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. We have a great episode this week, but first, a quick reminder that you can subscribe to Normal Gossip at either the friend of a friend or friend level for $5 or $12 a month.

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Friends also get access to our close friend circle on Instagram and discounts on Normal Gossip merch and live shows. Okay, joining us today is Tracy Clayton. Tracy is one of Normal Gossip's absolute favorite writers and podcasters. She's the host of many podcasts, including Back Issue, the Netflix podcast Strong Black Legends, and the interview podcast Going Through It. You also might remember her from the amazing podcast Another Round.

Tracy will be performing at California Sunday's Pop-Up Magazine this spring, so get tickets to that. Alex and I are going to. Tracy, thank you so much for coming on the show. I'm thrilled to have you here. Thank you so much for having me. This is an honor because there's finally a monument to just regular ass gossip because it's one of the best parts of life. And I'm just so happy to be here in this institution.

Oh, my God. Great. Well, classic first question for you. What is your relationship with gossip like? I love gossip. I love gossip so much that in my free time on YouTube, I watch old episode of 90s daytime TV talk shows, which were so juicy. I'm not talking about like the ridiculous. Yes. So not like Jerry Springer and like all of the, you know, none of that. Ricky Lake for sure. An amazing.

an amazing talk show. Oh, hell yeah. Jenny Jones, not so much because she also got into a lot of the like really ridiculous theater, like, you know, half-dressed teens say they can do whatever. That's not what they want. That's not what I want, right? The absolute best places you should go for early 90s TV talk show drama, Forgive or Forget with Mother Love. Do you remember that talk show? No. No.

Forgive, I'm writing it down. The drama is just so amazing and it's like perfectly low stakes because number one, you don't know these people. Number two, it's like decades ago. So, you know, the distance that you have emotionally is perfect. But the concept of the show, right? Somebody comes on the show, it's usually about three guests and each guest has an issue or like a thing that happened.

And there's somebody that they need to apologize to or seek an apology from, right? Got it. So they're on stage. They tell their story. Then they walk over to this really big, like, door that they have. And they're supposed to open the door. And if the person forgives them, they'll be on the other side of the door. Oh, my God. There's no way.

nobody there. I do remember this show. Now that you've described that visual, I do remember the like double doors. It's so intense. My favorite story so far is one about there was a girl who brought her sister and her cousin on the show because both her sister and her cousin slept with her boyfriend. I'm like enraptured. Right?

demanding apologies and they won't give her an apology for sleeping with her boyfriend like they're both like nah I don't they was like no that's on you she was like well she flirted with a man that I wanted a while ago and she was like what a crush is not the same thing and I'm just like why isn't the boyfriend on the show apologizing

It's so much. It's so good. It's just a perfect little morsel of gossip. It's a good way to burn anxious energy at the end of the day. I love it. Wow. I can't wait to lose my entire weekend to this YouTube channel. There are so many episodes on YouTube. So many. I can't wait till you get into it. Great. What about you personally? Do you consider yourself like a gossip in your real life? I don't think I do. I've never thought about that. I don't know.

Okay, let's unpack this. I don't consider myself a gossip because I am not typically the person who is like out spreading and like telling stories. I am usually the recipient of said stories. And well, let me say it this way. In the event that like there's danger afoot, right? If like I've heard like there is this person

person in this industry, you should stay away from this person and that person. Then yes, but I don't consider that gossiping. I consider that like trying to keep myself and my folks safe. And actually, this is something that my friend Nicole Perkins pointed out. A lot of the hate and flack that gossip gets is because a lot of it, you know, is like a whisper network to keep people safe. You know what I mean? And to tell you the things that the people who are oppressing you probably don't want you to know and won't tell you themselves. So,

So that aside, I just I don't have to know the people in this story. Like I've got a group chat and I'm just like, you know, what's what's the latest gossip? What's going on? I don't have to know these people or anything. And I find that it's a good way to bond with like my very, very close support group and support system and just like my closest friends.

It's got everything, right? It's got laughter. It's got drama. It's got memories. And I will say that an ex of mine. Okay. I know. Where's it going? So I could say a lot of bad clearly because he's an ex. But one of my favorite things about this particular ex is that he was so into gossip. And we could just like scroll through Twitter threads together. Like, oh my gosh, did you see this one? Did you see that one?

It just really felt like we were one in those moments. That's so nice. So even though it didn't end up, you know, whatever. It was very refreshing to have someone to enter into that space with, I think. Yeah, that's super nice.

Yeah, a very surprisingly nice thing. Yeah, a love braided together by other people's drama. Just what everyone wants. Exactly, exactly. Tracy, my next question to you is an ode to Another Round, your old podcast. And I would like to ask you a question you asked often, which is, tell me, how do you feel about squirrels?

Oh, my gosh. I still hate them. I don't know how many years it has been, but they're still just completely horrible. And I don't appreciate that my Instagram algorithm or whatever keeps giving me squirrel videos. I think it thinks. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What kind of squirrel videos are you getting?

they're supposed to be cute, but they're not cute. They're not cute at all. There's this one video that I kept seeing and it was like this, this squirrel, man rescues a squirrel and the squirrel like wouldn't like, he kept, he like, he just like wouldn't be released into the wild. I don't like that. Coming back. Right. And they were just like, oh, it's so cute and sweet. I'm just like, this is harassment. This is possibly a crime. This is not cute. This squirrel

This girl could have rabies. You don't know what he's thinking. You don't know his ulterior motives. It's just terrible. And recently I saw that they had like chewed through like some really important cables somewhere or something. Yeah. These squirrels are trying to destroy the internet? Absolutely not. Name one like good historic squirrel that's ever done anything good. You can't. You can't. Pigeons have saved people. Squirrels

Only drama. Only pain. Only pain. So I still hate them. Thank you for asking. Good. I'm glad to know that that has not changed. The one part of me that is consistent will be that. Hey, it's Alex, and this episode is brought to you by Brooks Running. Let's run there. Stay tuned after the episode for a little peek into my first run in a while.

Okay, Tracy, welcome back. It's time. Thank you. It's time to do gossip. It's time to get into it. I'm so ready to do some gossip. Okay, great. So today's story takes us into a terrifying, messy world full of tears and kicking. Oh, God. Are you ready, Tracy, to join me as we bury ourselves in the land of children's soccer? Yes.

Oh, man. I feel like this could get rough. I think so. Let's go. Okay. So this is neighborhood gossip, but it's also preschool gossip. Because in this community, all the families are like really connected. There's a hippy-dippy preschool a couple blocks away from where our main character, Alicia, and her wife, Sandy, live. Okay. Alicia.

They like moved to this neighborhood before their daughter was born because they specifically wanted to join this like hippy dippy children's cooperative. This preschool is extremely exclusive or something that I don't really understand. But the preschool starts in August. They're thrilled. It's like Montessori. Exactly. Exactly. I don't know what that means.

In May, the preschool, because it has like too much time and all of these parents are too invested, adds all of these parents for the incoming class to a Facebook group so that they can talk to each other.

This is theoretically helpful because they can start like organizing and stuff. Okay. Yeah. Do you have any feelings about this before we continue? What are we organizing? I think I'm trying to imagine the same thing happening with the public school system that I was in. What do you want? What is this for? What are we carpooling? No. The public school system is like we need to organize a drive to buy scissors for the classroom. Right. Yeah.

of Kleenex, guys. We need more boxes of Kleenex. Okay, so the Facebook group is like pretty tame throughout the summer, just like sharing community pool times and supply lists and other stuff. But right before school starts, Alicia decides to post to the Facebook group for the first time.

They've lived in the neighborhood for four years and every single fall, this giant man, I'm talking like six foot five, at least biceps, the size of my thigh teaches a preschool soccer group in the park near their apartment. Alicia has been obsessed with this fan because one is really funny to watch a guy this big, try to teach a bunch of preschoolers. And two, it seems to be like that he's really good at soccer.

Alicia was like a competitive soccer player. So she's like, I can tell that this guy's extremely good. And I want to watch him try to like teach my daughter to play soccer for my own amusement. Okay. Okay. She went up to him last fall. He gave her the link to sign up, whatever. She posts the link in the group. This is her first post. They fill up the whole section, all these kids in the preschool. In the meantime, before the soccer season starts, the group has its first drama.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Here we go. Okay. Alicia's college friend, Bailey, and her husband, Scott, are also in this group for their child. Okay. You know, Alicia's like her best friend from college. They're very close. And Scott is the man that she married.

Okay, so there's not any connection really beyond this is the person that my really good friend chose. And so I acknowledge him when he's around. Okay, cool. Alicia hasn't been a huge fan of Scott for two reasons. The first is that he hugged his brother before he hugged Bailey at their child's very outdated gender reveal party. Wow, there's a lot that you just gave me. Break it down to me.

So like once the whatever color means whatever flavor of baby that you ordered in a getting, he's so happy that he hugs his brother in that moment? Mm-hmm. So it was a boy then, I'm guessing. I'm not sure, actually. It was a blue. Hmm. Interesting. But does it matter? No. No, it does not. It doesn't at all. Okay. All right.

good reason to look at somebody like a little sideways. So that's her first grudge. Her second grudge is that Scott is like the kind of guy who like always leaves his dish on the table for someone else to grab. No. Like even at Alicia's house.

And she's like, I know this is such a small thing and that my friend loves him, but I can't and I will not let this go. If he's doing that at your house, then I'm sure he doesn't touch a ditch at his own house. And how dare you make my friend do all this dumb shit. Exactly. Don't like it. You should at least pretend that you're going to, you know, walk into somebody's house. At least in front of other people, pretend that you do housework. Oh, let me go ahead and...

Oh, you got it? Oh, okay. Exactly. Okay, so she's already like not on Team Scott, right? Right. But she's becoming even less of a fan of him now that they're in this Facebook group because Scott and another dad, Jason, are in an all-out, unjudged competition for best dad that exists. Oh, what does that even mean? Well, I'm going to tell you. The first drama we will call The Great Plato Calamity. Okay.

Oh my gosh. On the second week of school, there is a parent meeting to discuss a fundraiser. For the fundraiser, the parents have been asked to like donate stuff that they have so that it can be like silent auctioned off, right? So people have donated like sports tickets or like coupons to their businesses, you know, stuff like that. Jason, the other parent competing with Scott, is really mad because his donation to the auction has been rejected. Right.

Oh my God. What was it? Well, I'm going to give you some background first. I just like need you to understand that this is a group that is involved in what our friend of a friend who gave us this story called competitive parenting. So like,

If they're having a birthday party, the cake is homemade. If they're having pizza for dinner, it's homemade. If their child is going to play with toys, they will be like those artisan wood ones with no color. Their baby will like speak Spanish even if they don't, right? Their baby will be well-versed in every liberal baby book that exists, right? Yeah.

They'll have the anti-racist baby books that they were talking about. Are babies racist? Exactly. What Jason has donated for his family auction is homemade Play-Doh. Why? Nobody wants that shit.

So of all the parents, Jason and his wife Ruby are like the most hippy dippy. Okay. Not only have they made their own Play-Doh with like cream of tartar or something, they have also used plants to make like colored dyes. Yes.

You know what? You could have saved so much energy and time. Go to Walgreens, get some Play-Doh. How performative! Strong agree. The school Alicia learns from a Facebook post also agrees with you because they have been like, you know what? We're not going to use this for the auction.

We don't want to auction it off. Exactly. So Jason, Plato Jason has written in his post on the Facebook group that like they haven't returned his Plato, right? So he's like, he's like, you know, fine. It's like kind of rude that you won't accept my Plato for the auction, but you could at least like give it back to me. Like we worked hard to make it. And he's like, has anyone else had this problem? Like does any, is anyone else's auction thing missing? Yeah.

No, Jason wouldn't make Play-Doh out of flour and try to pass it off as a prize. Exactly. Alicia probably would not have noticed this if her wife hadn't been like, Scott has responded to this post and you need to see it. Oh my God. Let me guess. Can I guess? Yeah, please.

Scott was like, yeah, I've had the same problem. They also wouldn't accept my homemade organic rutabaga Hot Wheels cars that I carved by hand with organic toothpicks. It's outrageous. No, Scott has gone with the opposite approach and he's like, can you chill out, dude? It's just Play-Doh. There is no reason for you to make this into some whole drama. Yeah.

I'm confused because he's right. I know. But I don't like him. What do I do? It's confusing. I know. Plato Jason has responded back, quote, well, it might just be Plato to you, but some of us have lived in this neighborhood for decades and don't have big fancy baking jobs that can subsidize bigger gifts.

So now people are picking sides, right? Surely nobody's on Plato Jason's side. Surely not. Listen, I can't speak for parents, but some of them are. And there is like a divide growing. No one is discussing Plato Jason's post. Like they do not care that he wants his Plato back. What they're discussing is Scott's energy in response to it.

Oh, so they thought he was being too harsh and aggressive? They're like, this is a preschool group, dude. Like, chill out. You chill out. Wow. I hate everybody in this group, I think, maybe. It's going to get so much worse. Okay. So while Alicia is reading these posts, right, like talking to her wife about him, Scott's wife texts her and is like freaking out. She's like, is Scott the villain? Yeah.

Oh no, he's from the TikTok. Am I the villain? Exactly. Alicia is like torn because she's like, you know, I don't think that this is that big of a deal, but also I do think he's the villain like for other reasons.

So I don't really know. Just a general yes? Just generally yes. In this specific action, no, right? And we also have to remember that Alicia is like super excited about this soccer thing that her child's going to learn soccer. And she's like, all these other parents are supposed to come. I already told this like big soccer dude that they're all going to be there. So like what I don't need is chaos.

Oh my gosh. They're going to fight. They're going to fist fight over play. What do you think she should do? This is the first of many. What do you think she should do in this scenario? Oh my gosh. Okay. Okay. You're Alicia. Move? I don't know. Okay.

Okay, so let me let my brain get a linear picture of this. So there's Alicia and Scott, who is a terrible person, but also right in this instance. Yes.

And everybody's on sides. It sounds like there's not a team. Everybody is dumb. So everybody should stop. Is that an option? Maybe. Regardless, now everybody's going to meet up to see a seven foot tall man teach two foot tall humans how to kick balls. And maybe we'll have a huge civil war. Yeah. I don't know.

I say write it out. Live tweet it at me. I want to know. I want to know. Put this on TikTok. Maybe it goes viral and then you get some endorsement deals, some kind of how. I mean, you got to recognize when something is out of your hands is what my therapist would say, you know? Wow. Yeah, she sounds smart. Toss it up in the air, you know? Whatever happens, make the best of it. That's basically what Alicia comes, like the decision she comes to. She's like, you know what?

I'm just going to stay out of this. What I'm going to do is I'm going to tell Bailey to tell her husband to log off and stop posting. And I'm going to post at the top of the Facebook group tomorrow and be like, don't forget soccer practices this weekend. Should she put like hashtag good vibes only? Right. Exactly. Exactly. So the next week goes fine.

Jason's Play-Doh gets returned by the school. Bailey keeps Scott off Facebook. It is now time for soccer. Oh my God. Okay, so it's bright and early. It's Saturday morning. The parents have all come out with their like coffee cups and their sunglasses. They have on their like leggings. They've been hyping up this to their kids all week. So the kids will like also be excited. The soccer balls are like so big compared to the kids. So everyone loves this. Cute. Everyone is here.

Plato Jason is standing on one side over by his kid way on the other side of the park. Alicia's husband, Scott, is standing on another side of the park. Everyone is just like here waiting for the giant tall man to show up and teach the children. Oh, my goodness. Bailey comes over to Alicia and is like, I sent Scott over to apologize to Plato Jason. That feels like a bad idea.

Sure enough, Alicia looks over there and there's Scott and Plato Jason standing off to the side together with their baseball hats pointing forward, not looking at each other, but talking. They're doing that thing where their legs are spread apart and their arms are crossed. So they both look like big capital letter A's. Yeah, like when an owl tries to make itself really big. Owl!

Alicia's like, you know what? That's great. I'm so glad they're going to work it out. She's like, why is Scott so intent on fighting Plato Jason? Like, what is his deal? And Bailey's like, well, you know, Scott lives on our street. So they have a bit of like neighbor history. Oh.

I didn't consider that they had already interacted before the Plato incident. So it wasn't about Plato for Scott at all. Exactly. Ooh. So Alicia is like, because she's nosy, is like, what kind of history? And you are going to hate this. Oh my God. It is a whole thing. Bailey's like, it's this whole terrible thing. But basically the alley behind our houses that we share has a squirrel problem. It's the squirrel's fault, baby.

So many squirrels. And the squirrels are menaces. The squirrels taunt the dogs. And then the dogs are barking. They drop extra leaves into the pool. They're like low-key aggressive to everyone. They throw shit. They throw acorns at you. Exactly. They just like, they stalk you. Okay, I'm in it. I'm in it. Okay. So both Plato, Jason, and Scott think that they're the only ones who can solve this. Like squirrel problem. Oh, dear.

So that is the like root of this actual drama, right? Just pause for a second and say that I hate men so much sometimes. So the thing to do is unite against the squirrels. Who cares whose plan is better? You just want to get rid of the fun.

That's it. I own the prize. But no, you got to be like, well, my squirrel killing plan is bigger than yours is. Exactly. And meanwhile, squirrels are just taking over everything. Meanwhile, the squirrels are just repopulating, creating more trauma. Awful. Wow. I'm physically upset at this point. I really am. I'm so angry at both of them.

Oh, my God. Alicia's like, listen, this is a cute story, but the big soccer coach is here and he's starting to talk. So like I can't hear any more about this stupid fucking squirrel drama. So she like trots over to where the big soccer coach is. And he does what, you know, every teacher does where he's like, count off one, two, one, two, one, two. He's like, one's over here. Two's over there. Right. So the kids are now in two groups.

You two. He points at Alicia and Bailey. You go with the ones. You will be my assistants. You two. And he points at Plato, Jason and Scott. You will be my assistants for the twos. Oh my gosh. Do you think that someone should intervene here? Clearly. Okay. Yes. Because everybody knows and understands the significance of this pairing up. Right. Yes. And nobody was like, well, Mr.

Suggestion. Yeah, every parent is just like, ooh. Suggestion.

This feels like that. I don't know if you're into horrible brain rotting reality. Oh, I sure am. Yep. All wonderful. So, you know, that episode where like two people have been fighting the whole time and then there's like an event and they're very clearly paired up together just to see what kind of drama. The producers are like, it's time for the two on one date. Which of you will you choose? Yes, that's clearly what's happening. Is the towel man in on this? Did he do it?

purpose? I don't think so. Does he know Plato Jason from the before times? Now I'm just conspiracy fearing. You got, I mean, now that you know about the squirrels, you know, anything could be possible. Wow. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I'm with it. None of the parents intervene. They're all like, he, he, he.

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Alicia like immediately forgets about this because she's busy doing her like assistant coach stuff. Right, right. And she's like, these kids can like barely move the ball. Like this is so funny. This is the best time I've had in a long time. Like they're trying to like –

It's really cute. They're like trying to move it around the cones, but like they can't because the ball's like up to their waist. And Alicia's like, this rules. Like I'm having the best time. I was right. Like everyone is here. What a good morning.

Tiny goals are like brought out and each kid tries to like put the ball into the goal. Like they can't do it. It's perfect. Everyone loves it. It sounds like the puppy ball that they have during the season. Exactly. It's exactly like that. So by the end of the practice, Alicia is like, this is just, I am having the best day, right? Like everything is coming up, Alicia. I'm watching all of these little kids. I'm so happy. So she's standing with her wife and with her friend Bailey when Scott comes up.

And Scott returns from the other side of the field, like, clearly pissed. Oh, my God. He's like, it was a mess over there. What the hell?

What happened? So they're like, what happened? And Sandy, Alicia's wife, is like, well, I'll tell you what happened before Scott tells you. Basically, Scott was being super bossy and Plato Jason was trying to keep everyone happy, but neither of them were listening to the main coach. Right.

So the parents were mad at like Plato, Jason, because he's distracting the kids and Scott, cause he's telling them to do something else. Sandy's like Plato, Jason, you know, clearly was a camp counselor. Scott, like clearly never got to be one. Right. Oh shit. What a terrible dynamic. That's the vibe. Right. Oh, awful vibe. Bad vibes only. In fact, Alicia's like, whatever, like I can not be brought to care about this. I,

I'm going to happily come to these practices every Saturday. And if you don't want to come, like, good luck to you and good riddance. So a few weeks go by. Obviously, as you can guess, this is getting worse. Oh, my God. Scott's family gets a new outdoor patio.

Oh. Then Plato Jason's family gets a new outdoor patio. But bigger, right? Mm-hmm. I'm assuming. Exactly. Made of all organic imported wood from Morocco. Yeah, they built the clay with their hands, fired it in the oven. At Scott's child's birthday in October, there's a whole group of face painters. Yeah.

The next month at Plato Jason's child's birthday, there's a whole troop of clowns. It is truly just like all out war of the parents. Oh my God. The whole time Scott is like whining about this to all of these women and none of them could be brought to give a shit. Nobody cares. Everybody's like, whatever. Like leave Plato Jason alone. Stop being so like annoying to everyone. Right. Get over it.

But everyone kind of starts to believe him. To believe Scott? Yes, because Scott's family gets chickens. And three days later, Plato Jason's family gets chickens too. Okay, wait. All right. Okay. So for a second time, I have to be like, I kind of agree with you. I don't know.

I mean, as a fan of chickens, I don't think a neighborhood can have too many chickens. Okay. But, I mean, I feel like this is just, like, refutable evidence, Your Honor. I mean, like, had Scott not gotten the chickens in the first place, I mean, it's just impossible to think that Play-Doh Jason would have just randomly popped up with some chickens. Also, why did they get chickens?

I don't, I have no idea. And it's not like I asked follow-up questions to our friend of a friend that called us in. I'm like, where do you live? Right? Like, I'm like, where are you? And it's not like they live in the middle of the wilderness or like a small town. Like these families live in a mid-sized city. They like share an alleyway. The chickens are like messy and smelly. Their feathers are like floating into people's pool. And I'm sure that the squirrels are harassing the chickens. Exactly. So you would,

think that this would drive Plato, Jason, and Scott to become allies? Yeah. Like, to protect their chickens? It does not. They each blame each other for, like, the chickens making noise too early in the morning. They're like, my chickens are the good chickens. It's Plato, Jason's fault. They are all chickens. They probably knew each other before they got to you. They're like, oh, hey, Hattie, what's up? We getting a morning girl? You know it. Now the chickens are in it. This is just...

horrible it's obscene so they're chickens they're all like being civil though like no one is fist fighting no one is yelling what a low bar i know nobody has been piledrafted when two weeks later one of scott's chickens is killed

Oh, my God. Scott is immediately convinced that Plato Jason did it. Oh, my God. He did it. He's like, Jason killed my fucking chicken. Oh, my God. I've been telling y'all that he's been acting weird. He cannot be trusted. Like, he killed my chicken. I mean, things escalate into a more ridiculous point. But...

Let me posit this. Please. What if it was the squirrels? I don't put it past them. I don't put it past them at all. The squirrels are probably just like, watch this, watch this. We really gonna fuck them up this time. Kill a chicken and then they just gonna go crazy. Okay, so two days after the chicken is killed is soccer day again.

So they're all at soccer day. All the parents like know that this chicken has been killed. All the parents know that Scott thinks it's Plato Jason. Does Plato Jason know that Scott thinks it's Plato Jason? Before practice even starts, Plato Jason is like, I want to be clear that I did not kill Scott's chicken. I am 99% positive that it was the squirrels.

They have been tormenting me and all of us for weeks. It was them.

I agree with Plato, Jason. This is too much for me to handle. Okay. So unlike you, I did not know how bad squirrels were. So I was like extremely skeptical of this claim. I was like, I don't think that squirrels kill chickens. Like that seems not real. Maybe you already know this. It seems like you do, but squirrels do in fact kill chickens. I didn't know that, but I assumed it and I was right. You were right. That's terrible. Yeah.

Oh, my God. It's so rude. Okay. So I learned from a very reputable site called squirrelenthusiast.com that squirrels will attack chickens if the chickens have something they want and that they're also known to steal eggs and steal baby chickens. Yes.

Why would they steal a baby chicken? I know. What are they doing with it? Surely they don't eat baby chicken. Here's a direct quote from squirrelenthusiast.com. These cute furry creatures are from the rodent family and their large incisors and molars can tear through baby chicken. Ever heard the statement, quote, squirrels are rats with nicer clothes? Looks like there's some truth to that. This is the site that's pro squirrels.

Like, they're the squirrel enthusiasts. Wow. Oh, my gosh. This is so much. Okay. So everyone is like, you know what? We're still not done? Oh, we're not done. We're not done.

Everyone is like, you know what? All the parents are like, you know what? It does seem kind of reasonable that the squirrels killed Scott's chicken. Like, we think that that's reasonable. Scott does not believe Plato Jason. Scott is like, not for one second. After practice, Scott comes like blazing over to his wife and Alicia, like rattled. And he is like, Plato Jason is a monster. He's a monster.

He told me that he was going to kill the squirrel. And I laughed to appease him or whatever. But then his like voice changed. He was going on and on about how normal American families are so pathetic. They just like call animal control and have the squirrel caught in a trap and let free and not him. Yeah.

All the women are just like looking at each other, right? He's going to get killed by a squirrel is what's going to happen. He's going to go out there, try to kill a squirrel and get his ass handed to him. And that's that. All the women are like, whatever, Scott, like we do not care. This makes Scott matter. He starts yelling. Scott's like, Plato, Jason said, you're going to murder that motherfucker. He said he was going to put antifreeze on honey. And he said air quotes to eat it from the inside out. That's.

That's weird. First of all, secondly, what if the chickens eat it? I know. Scott is like super upset. He's like Plato. Jason is going to hunt the squirrel with a crossbow. You really think this guy didn't kill my chicken? He absolutely did. This is like high key sociopathic behavior. Do you want him coaching our children? No.

They are still at practice. And the kid's like, dad, I need your attention. She's like, later. No. So what do you think that the women of this group should do? Pick both of them out of the group, of the neighborhood, of their spouses' lives off the planet, if that's an option.

But also, though, send the squirrels. I really think that maybe the squirrels might be, like, complicit in this whole thing. I think they're probably smarter than I give them credit for. And they eat baby chickens. What wouldn't a squirrel do, you know? Wow. So do you think that, like, Alicia should confront Scott or, like, respond to this diatribe? I don't know. So Scott is the...

Is the spouse of Alicia's good friend from college. Has Alicia tried talking to her good friend from college about it since the whole he's going to kill everybody with a crossbow thing? Good question. Did that yield anything? Can she maybe have the friend talk to Scott? I mean, he doesn't seem like the type to listen to anyone, let alone his spouse. So...

I mean, you're 100% on the right track. Alicia is like, I thought I told you to fucking get him in line. Like, this is a disaster. She's like, please talk to your husband. Like, deal with him. Right, right.

She's also like, I just cannot talk to Scott, right? Like, I'm so mad at him. He's yelling about crossbows at practice. Like, I can't do this. Yet again, the talk among the parents is not about Plato Jason. Right. It's about the fact that Scott is accusing Plato Jason of planning to hunt a squirrel with a crossbow. Right.

He's planning the genocide of all the squirrels by hand. Exactly. Okay. So a few days later, someone is like walking in the alley, like taking their little trash out. And there is like a good amount of blood on the ground. Yeah.

Plato, Jason's dead. No, no, no, no, no. No one's dead. Okay. But they're like, this could be the chicken, right? Uh-huh. Like the chicken that was previously killed. Exactly. But in their head, they're like, but it could also be that Plato, Jason really is hunting squirrels, right? They're like, hmm, I don't know what to do with this. Right. Right.

So the parents of this group come to Alicia. They're like, you're friends with Bailey, who's married to Scott. Can you please figure out what's going on here? And Alicia's like, Scott has ruined all of his credibility for me. Like, I'm not sure if I believe him. I'm not sure what he's even talking about. I never liked him to begin with.

So like, I can't do anything here. But the parents are like kind of scared and freaked out. Like they're like, I don't like that these men are yelling at each other. I also just don't like the idea of someone shooting a crossbow in our neighborhood. Like that makes me a little uncomfortable. Right. Very fake.

fair exactly they're like Alicia and Sandy your child is friends with Plato Jason's child can you please be delegates and go talk to him do you think that they should go to Plato Jason's house to like be delegates for the other parents

I'm trying to put myself in Alicia's situation. I would feel a way. I'd be like, listen, this is a grown man who pays taxes. I'm assuming it makes his own decisions. I did not birth him. I did not marry him. How is this on me? How is this my fault and my problem? I would say maybe like some form of like small, intimate group intervention should happen.

Like, get them both in a room and be like, yo, listen, we both really appreciate your passion. Whatever you have to do to soothe their egos before you tell them to shut the fuck up. And just be like, you're bumming us all out. There are babies here. This is the ish. This is the point. We're here for the kids, not for killing squirrels. Although, I mean, I feel like as a tab, you could open if that was your thing. But, you know, like, just chill.

Chill out or you got to go. What I would hate to see happen, though, is either one. It just makes them madder. And then they're just like, Plato, Jason's getting my kid kicked out of the group. Or but I mean, like, I don't I don't know what else you could do at one point aside from being like, listen, we have to take a kid out of the thing because you're being too much of a distraction. I would write that for the kids.

Right. What are the other options if they just won't behave? Right. So you're in exactly the same frame of mind as Alicia. Good job. You like got yourself right in there because she's like, again, her number one goal is to watch the children trip over balls that are the same size as them. With this nine foot tall man. With this nine foot tall man trying to like herd them into like choreography or something. Uh huh. So she's like,

Okay. What I'm going to do is like my friend is friends with Plato Jason's child. So I'm going to go over there with my child for like a little play date. And I'm going to get like a feel for the situation from his side because I only understand what's happening with Scott. Right. So she's like, I need more information. Right. So she goes after school like low stakes.

The kids disappear upstairs to play. The house is like lovely. It's like clear that they care about it and are like doing projects on it. And Alicia's like, I'm going to bring up this situation. Uh-huh. She's like, here's the thing, Plato, Jason. Scott told everyone essentially that

that you said that you were going to kill squirrels with a crossbow. And now a bunch of people are really freaking out and super worried because they don't want people shooting crossbows in their neighborhood. And they also don't want squirrels dying. Uh-huh. Plato Jason like looks immediately very upset.

Uh-huh. And he like leans forward and he's like, I really do not know why Scott would say this about me. Like I thought that we had worked out our conflict and now he's doing this. Here, I'll tell you exactly what I told him. And he like kind of like moves his body a little bit and he changes his voice and his face changes. And Alicia is watching it and she's like, oh, clearly he's doing an impersonation. Yeah.

Like he's clearly being someone else. And he says everything that Scott said, right? About like the antifreeze and the crossbow. But he's like clearly doing a bit, right? Like it is clearly a stand up routine. He's trying to be funny. And Play Do Jason is like, this is a real comedian's bit. Like I'm just quoting a bit that I think is really funny. Like, have you heard of this comedian? Have you heard this bit? Yeah.

Oh, my fucking God. And they're like, no, we haven't heard this bit, but like...

But like, we believe you. Like, it's not like you're funny enough to have come up with this rhythm, right? Like, they're like, oh my God, Scott really is just like creating drama. And she's like, okay, so you don't have a crossbow? And Plato Jason's like, well, I mean, I do have a crossbow, but it's like this one that's on the wall, like from when I was a kid. But is it functional, Plato Jason? Is it? Well, I mean, how do you feel about this? Please.

I feel stressed out. I feel like I'm still trying to figure out like who. Everybody's fucking nuts. I don't know. Everybody is shit, man. Okay. So, all right. So the revelation that this was a bit and he was trying to be funny does give me some comfort that maybe he won't be like the next one featured on like a true crime podcast for some shit that he's done.

After he delivered this bit, though, did he laugh? Was he like, I'm just kidding. It's a George Carlin thing. Right. I feel like if you're going to do a bit and deliver it, either you're just not funny or you...

You didn't. You know what I'm trying to say? Exactly. Why wouldn't anybody know that she was joking? So this is like basically the conversation that Alicia and Sandy have on the ride home, right? Where they're like, okay. He didn't do the bit that well. But he did laugh at the end of it. And it was like clear that he was doing an impersonation. They were like, so we really think...

That like if we had been in this situation, we would have been like, what are you doing? And not like Scott is going to hunt squirrels with a crossbow. Right. Okay. Okay. That doesn't make sense. So they're like, you know what? We really think that this is a Scott thing. Like we think that Scott is creating chaos. We think that he's doing this because he hates Plato Jason. We think he's just desperate to be the best dad. And Plato Jason is his direct competition. And he is just like so embarrassing and unkind.

All we want to do is, like, chill out and play soccer. All I want is to have fun. Okay, so now Alicia is convinced that Scott is full of shit. Yeah. Yeah. What? Like, what do you think she should do with this? Because, like, Bailey is her close friend. Scott's wife. Yeah. Yeah.

Jesus. Okay. All right. I think your advice to move at the beginning was really the correct advice. You know, just eject, eject Scott. Maybe divorce is the only answer. I don't know. And like, you know, not to be a bummer, but I mean, this shit could be.

Impact the child. Right. Like, as they get older and more cognizant of shit, you know, you don't want somebody's kid to be like, I heard your daddy was playing old Jason and he was killing squirrels and now I don't want to play with you no more. You know? But I mean, it seems clear that something has to be done to focus everybody and recenter attention on the kids and make sure that shit is safe for them. Because I'm not sending my kid to the house of a man who said he was going to kill squirrels with a crossbow, even if it was

Well, seeing how I feel about squirrels, I might. But the crossbow part does get me a little bit. At this point, I would have to start looking for, okay, who else do we complain to? Like, there's got to be a high... You need to speak to the manager at this point. I need to speak to the manager of this preschool group. Who's the manager, though, of a friend group? Oh, that's the thing. That is the thing. And how do you, like, eject him without there being ripple effects for the rest of the family?

When you say eject him, which one are you talking about? Scott or Plato? Great question. Great follow up. I'm talking about Scott. Okay. Primarily because, I mean, you can't, you just can't. You can't do this. You can't do all of this for your own personal vendetta and reasons. It's selfish. Nobody wants to be around you if you're going to do that. Exactly. Exactly.

I feel like a thing that the world is missing these days is consequences because everybody else cancel culture as soon as somebody is just like well you committed this offense and here's the result don't cancel me because cancel Plato Jason blah blah blah God forbid I face a consequence of my own action exactly that's not why I'm here that's not why I was born it's not what I'm on this planet to do but there's got to be some form of consequence because he's not going to stop on his own he just isn't going to stop

So Alicia takes it into her own hands. She's like, I'm the manager now. She's like, I think that this has gotten out of control. It's not happening anymore. It's not happening at my special soccer time. I will not allow this anymore. She tells her friend Bailey. She's like, listen,

I talked to Plato Jason and like, I really think that Scott is not right on this. Right. Like everybody needs to just call a truce on the parenting Olympics. And like Scott and Plato Jason are not invited to the soccer games anymore until they are like capable of getting their shit together because this is just not appropriate or okay. Right. Right. Okay.

Okay. So this works. After this, things like calm down. They don't go to soccer. Everyone kind of like yells at them separately. Right? Like everyone's getting, both of these men are getting yelled at because everyone is like, can you please stop? Things are like really calming down. The soccer season finishes. The squirrels are like less of a problem. The children are having fun. There's peace in the kingdom. Everything is fine. Oh,

wonderful. How do you feel? I feel like the other shoe's coming soon. The other shoe's gonna drop. Before we get there, who do you think the villain is? Scott. Well, I think it's the squirrels and I also think that it's

I'm not letting squirrels off here. For both. Tell me why for both. Well, squirrels eat baby chickens. So fuck that. As we've learned. Yeah. As we have learned. That's really upsetting. It really is. I love chickens so much. There's a chicken on a farm in North Carolina that's named after me. And now I'm just like, is she safe? Is my daughter safe? You're like, get the squirrels away from her. Right. I got to send a text message and follow up now. But I mean...

It seems that Scott is so laser focused on Plato Jason and him being the problem and the villain and not able to take himself out of that to the point that everything that happens, he's going to see it through the lens of this motherfucker. He did it and he's terrible and it's awful. So I think I think that he is co-villain along with the squirrels. OK, would you like to hear the end?

Yes, please. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. If my internet like went out right now, I don't know what I would do. I just got so scared. The listeners can't see this, but Tracy's sitting in a completely dark room. So like if your internet went out, I don't even know that. You wouldn't know. It would be like, where did she hear? Okay. About six months after this whole debacle, we have been like drama free in Eden, right? Everyone is calm. Everyone's doing well.

Uh-huh. Scott and Plato Jason have made up. They're like still helping with sports things. They've returned to the soccer. It's all good. All good. Plato Jason and his family are going out of town for Christmas. And they're like, Sandy and Alicia, can you please come feed our chickens while we're out of town? Oh, no. And they're like, absolutely. We would love to feed your chickens. They're super cute. Like, happy to check on your house.

On the last day of their visit, they like come after school. So they bring their daughter with them. And she like goes upstairs to her friend's room to play. Right. While Alicia and Sandy put the trash cans out in the street for like the trash pickup or whatever. They call her downstairs to go. And on her little head is perched a clearly homemade hat made of a squirrel. Oh, my God.

Is that true? Is this the true story? Yes. What? He was right the whole time. My God. And he made a hat. That is some psychopath shit. He made a hat out of the squirrel. Lock him up. Call the police. Oh, my God. We have like seen the text message threads.

Because what Sandy and Alicia did in this moment, I respect just like chef's kiss. Think that this is perfect. They took a photo of their daughter wearing the hat and group chatted it to like all of the parents. Oh my God. Yo, I have seen movies that have been like, you're not going to believe the twist at the end. I'm like, I can believe this, but this shit. I know. This is dark. Oh my God. This took a turn. Yeah.

Oh my goodness. It was Plato Jason all along. Fucking Plato Jason. Wow. Wow. Plato Jason had everybody going for a minute. He really did. Oh my gosh. Tracy, is there anything else you would like to say before we log off? I need to go lay down. I need a drink. It's 317 in the afternoon. It's time to have a beer. I don't care. You know what? Wow. This was an amazing...

I can't believe it. Can we do like a welfare check on the rest of the Play-Doh family? Are they okay? I will find out. Holy fucking shit. Tracy, thank you so much for coming on the show. It was an absolute delight to have you. Thank you for having me. I think the rest of my day is done. Yeah, we should have warned you. Wow.

Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossip at defector.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679-GOSSIP.

If you love this podcast and want us to keep making it, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow me on all social media at McKinney Kelsey. This podcast is produced by Alex Sujan Laughlin. Defector's projects editor is Justin Ellis. Our editor-in-chief is Tom Ley. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Thank you to Gabby for sharing this gossip story with us.

I'm Kelsey McKinney, and remember, you did not hear this from me. My father's like, listen, we're going to murder this motherfucker. We're going to put antifreeze on bologna. Why? Why, Papa? Why? Because it eats the intestines. That's why. Hey, it's Alex, and this episode is brought to you by Brooks Running. Let's run there. Okay, just finished a run.

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