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Hey everyone, it's Trevor. Welcome back to Mayfair. As a warning, this week's episode contains depictions of self-harm, auto-cannibalism, body horror, and eating disorders. Listener discretion is advised. Up next, a word from our sponsors.

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Hey guys! Welcome to my channel! If you're new here, let me tell you a little about myself.

My name is Hannah Keel. I'm an artist. I'm an avid reader. I play the guitar a little, but not very well. I'm a dog person. I'm a plant mom. And as of the recording of this video, I've been in eating disorder recovery for about two years. I suffered on and off with bulimia and general patterns of restrictive eating all through my teen years. So I know that when you're living with these conditions, the hardest thing can be to ask for help. That's why I made this channel. To take some of that pressure out of taking that first step.

I'm going to be posting videos on mindfulness, relaxation, intuitive eating, general advice based on my own experiences, as well as some guided meditations and a few book recommendations here and there. I really want this to be a space where we can all heal together without the fear of judgment. So make sure to subscribe and turn on notifications because I'm going to be posting all of that very soon. Bye for now, lovelies!

Hello lovelies! I hope it's a beautiful day wherever you are and I hope that wherever you are you feel safe and loved. This is my first full-length upload so why don't we start things off with a studio tour? Let's go! So as you can tell I am very into plants. I mean this is as close to a greenhouse as I can get while I'm still renting, you know? A lot of these plants are edible. So I've got rosemary, thyme, basil, and I even got some chilies growing over there. I have ferns.

And these are my orchids. I love orchids. This one is called Venus Liver. And this one is a vanilla orchid. I just think that the purple and white go so nicely together. This is my Peace Lily. And over here, this one's... Well, I don't even really know what it's called, actually. My boyfriend just found it at the local garden center. I guess it was the only one that they had, because when I went to ask about care, no one knew what I was talking about.

I mean look at the colors. It's kind of like shimmery lilac with a bit of yellow. It's just so cute and happy. I mean no wonder it was sold out, right? If there are any botanists in the comments, let me know what this species is called. These are my crystals. I keep them right by the window so the sun catches them right as I'm waking up in the morning. Here's my bookcase. This stays between us, but I've literally only read about a quarter of these. And this is my mini fridge.

I work from home, but because of my ADHD, I'll get so involved in my work, sometimes I forget to eat. So the mini fridge is where I usually keep a fruit salad and a little protein shake. I usually make mine with almond milk and peanut butter. But this way I have no excuses to skip meals. These paintings up on the wall are my own work. If you want to buy any of them or others like them, I do have an Etsy shop. Link in the description. Paintings have been a huge help in my journey towards recovery. And here's my balcony.

This isn't very big, but I love looking out this window while I'm working. The natural light in this place is really incredible. And this is a picture of my gorgeous boyfriend, Darren. We're planning on moving in together soon once my lease is up. So that's pretty much the tour. Thanks for watching and I hope to see you again soon! I have to get the frame wide enough that can properly capture the wild flailing I do with my arms all the time while I talk. Anyway...

Hello lovelies! I hope it's a beautiful day wherever you are and I hope that wherever you are you feel safe and loved. Now for today's video I'm gonna be tackling a topic that a lot of you were asking about in the comments of my last video and that is easy safe recipes for emergencies. So let's go to the kitchen and I'll show you. Obviously I feel the need to say that I am not a professional and my experiences are not universal.

If you need to talk to someone, I have the number for the National Eating Disorder Support Network in the description. This is just advice based on my own experience. My first piece of advice would be to cook from scratch whenever possible. There's nothing wrong with prepackaged food, obviously, but no food's morally better than any other. But speaking from my own experience, sometimes no matter how hard you try, you're going to be tempted to look at those nutritional facts on the box.

You're going to be tempted to scan that barcode into MyFitnessPal and listen. I know how tempting that is, believe me. Fruit and vegetables are usually a safe bet. They're fast to prepare, they can be eaten raw, and they tend to be foods that don't have a lot of guilt attached to them. Nuts and cheese are also good quick snacks to keep on hand. I'd also recommend saltine crackers, but like I said, everyone's different. If any of these are fear foods for you, that's totally fine.

Now, I always find that when I'm in a really bad state, I can trick myself into eating food by drinking it. You really can't go wrong with strawberries and bananas and almond milk or whatever milk you prefer to use. It's so quick and simple and you can bottle it and keep it in the fridge for up to a week. And that's going to be it for today, lovelies. Thanks for watching and I hope I see you again soon. Hello, lovelies. It's Hannah. I hope it's a beautiful day wherever you are and I hope that wherever you are, you feel safe and loved.

Now, this is going to be a little more serious, but I think it's a topic we need to talk about. And that's the stage of recovery where you've realized that you have a problem, but you're resistant to doing anything about it. And there are a lot of things that can stop you from trying to get better. A lot of people, myself included, go through periods where they really just do not want to get better. And there are a bunch of reasons that can happen.

When you get set into any pattern of addictive behavior, whether that's substance use, self-harm, restrictive eating, or binging and purging, it can be scary to try and break that pattern. What all of us have in common is that we develop these behaviors to cope with trauma. And even after the trauma is gone, you might still cling to that coping mechanism. And let's be real here. The biggest reason why you probably resist looking for help is because you don't want to gain the weight back. At least that's what it was for me. And that's going to happen to you as you recover.

There's nothing you can do about it except let go of the idea that you don't deserve to take up space. I know, it's easier said than done. You're not always going to want to get better. You will relapse. But always remember that recovery isn't a straight line. The point isn't to completely stop having these bad thoughts. The point is to get to a place where the bad thoughts aren't stopping you from living a full life.

So, if you're sitting there thinking you don't want to get better, I just like to say that you can move at your own pace. Ultimately, getting better will be worth it, and we can get better together. Hello, lovelies. It's Hannah. I hope it's a beautiful day wherever you are, and I hope that wherever you are, you feel safe and loved. It's a very beautiful day here, so I thought I'd take you through what my morning routine looks like. First, I spend 30 minutes reading.

I used to check my phone, but it was really terrible for my executive function and my anxiety. So now I leave my phone in the kitchen before I go to bed. I get dressed and then it's time to make breakfast. As you can see here, I have a calendar up on the wall that helps me plan my meals. And today's breakfast is two slices of sourdough toast with honey and a sliced banana. To drink, I have a glass of orange juice to take my medication with. And then I make myself a chicory coffee with almond milk.

After breakfast, I called Darren. He's taking me out to dinner tonight because Thursdays are our date nights. He's so cute. All right, now it's time to water the plants. I water my edible garden first. As you can see, the chilies are really coming along. I can't wait to make salsa with some of these. And here are all my orchids. The white one isn't doing so well, but the purple ones are thriving. And so are the lilac and yellow ones.

A lot of people have asked me about this little guy and so far we still don't have any answers. I truly have no idea what kind of orchid this is. Maybe someone bred it as a special pageant variety? But anyway, as you can see, it's got these really gorgeous fruits starting to form. I'm not gonna risk trying one, but look. It's like this golden thing.

It almost looks like a cacao pod, but... So yeah, that happened. Turns out there's another piece to the mysterious orchid mystery. It also has fruit that is full of seeds and pops really easily. Ignore this cut where I go wash my face. I work from about 10 to 1 o'clock. I basically just take a couple of Zoom calls to clients and do some data entry work.

It's super boring, but let's do work in my PJs, so I call that a win. Then at 1130, I have a banana smoothie as a little pick-me-up. And at noon, I decide I need to get the wiggles out and go for a walk. It's taken me a really long time to get into the habit of exercising again. I used to be really obsessive about it. I was in the gym almost every day, and I would push myself to the point of almost passing out. My advice to anyone looking to develop a healthy exercise routine is to stop thinking, am I burning this many calories? And so on.

Think of it in terms of basic maintenance. If you don't take your car on long drives every so often, the engine rusts and the human body is the same. Moving away that feels good and stop when you start to get tired. So after my light jog up and down the street, I come home and stretch, have a nice shower and I sit down to have lunch. So on the calendar today is a tofu salad. But guys, I'm honestly kind of craving a ham sandwich right now.

Luckily for me, I have some vegan deli slices that I need to use up. And you can just do that. If you planned a meal earlier in the week, but you're craving something else when the meal time actually comes around, you can change plans. Don't beat yourself up over it. If you're craving a food, it's probably got something in it that your body needs. So listen to that hunger. The most important thing is that you eat something when you're hungry. After lunch, I answer some work emails, then I do a little video editing, and I let myself spend an hour on social media.

One of the most important parts of recovery is curating your online space. Be liberal with the block button and blacklist as much as you need to. My feed is basically all paint mixing and slinky tricks and my life is so much better off for it. I read another few pages of my book and at 5pm it's time to start getting ready for my 6pm dinner reservation with Darren.

Darren's been so helpful to me through all my ups and downs. He always makes sure we eat out at places that have a good range of vegan options. And when we get to the restaurant, he always makes sure we aren't sitting near any mirrors. Oh my God, babes, stop pulling faces. I'm trying to get B-roll.

Hey, YouTube. I knew Hannah before she was famous. Shut up. I'm not famous. I only have like 200 subs right now. Tell them what you ordered, babe. People on YouTube like that, don't they? I got the mushroom pesto, and it's really good. And I got the ribeye. Yeah, it actually smells really good. Really? You think so? Well, yeah. I mean, even though I'm vegan, I can still appreciate the smell.

Date night was a success! So we left the restaurant and Darren went back to his place because he's got a long drive in the morning. I went home and took off my makeup with a gentle cleanser and a microfiber cloth. Then I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and settled in with a hot cup of green tea before bed. And that's an average day in my life. I hope you enjoyed this video and I hope to see you back here soon. Hello lovelies! It's... God, is the top of my tent? Stay!

Stay. Good camera. Okay. Hello lovelies, it's Hannah! I hope it's a beautiful day wherever you are and I hope that wherever you are you feel safe and loved. Today's gonna be kind of off the cuff. I didn't really plan on doing this but here we are anyway. Today we're talking about how to sense a relapse before it happens. I'm gonna start off with my requisite disclaimer. You know, I'm not a doctor. I'm not a professional.

If you need help, the hotline is down in the description. If you're suffering right now, you should talk to your doctor and work with them to create a treatment plan. What I'm about to share now are just my personal thoughts and things that I've done in the past that have worked for me. So this is kind of an informal follow-up to the video I did about mindfulness. We'll be jumping off from a lot of techniques from that video. Because relapses can come from a lot of things. One day you might encounter a trigger and be fine, but other days you start to spiral because of something you didn't even think about.

To give you an example, when I was getting dressed this morning, my clothes felt a little more snug than they did yesterday. And this is totally normal. Our bodies are always changing. But, as I'm sure you know if you're watching my channel, that can be extremely triggering. The me of a couple years ago would avoid herself and then immediately started purging and restricting. And I still had the instinct to do that, don't get me wrong. But instead, I chose to be mindful.

I sat with the feeling, and instead of panicking, I just chose a looser outfit to wear. If I need to donate some of my clothes and buy larger ones, that won't be the end of the world. I was able to stop myself for that moment, but there have been a lot of other times when I haven't been able to. And that's okay. Recovery isn't a straight line. It's okay to fall down, as long as you're still able to get back up. Son of a... Look at my leg just cramped up like crazy!

Hello! God, I keep having to tilt this up. What is going on? Do I need a new stand already? Oh, and I have to zoom out? God, Hannah, you had one extra slice of coffee cake for breakfast, and now you're too fat to fit in the front. No, don't talk to yourself like that. Not even as a joke. All right, let's try again. Hello, lovelies. It's Hannah. I hope it's a lovely... Nope, that's not it.

Hello lovelies, it's Hannah! I hope it's a beautiful day wherever you are, and I hope that wherever you are, you feel safe and loved. Today, I'm going to share with you my top five reasons for choosing to get better. Number one, you'll have so much more energy. Despite what your ED is probably telling you, you need to put fuel in to get energy out. And once you get used to having regular balanced meals, you'll be amazed with how much more you can do in one day. Number two,

I know this one sounds silly, but your hair will look so much better! Once again, lovelies, you need vitamins and minerals to maintain a healthy head of hair. Number 3: Your teeth will thank you. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons why I finally sought out therapy for my bulimia is that I went in to get my teeth cleaned and the dentist noticed I had a lot of acid damage on my teeth. That was a huge wake-up call. Number 4: You'll be able to go out to eat with your friends.

I'm not quite at this one yet, admittedly, but I'm working towards it. I so envy people who could just spontaneously go to a restaurant and pick something off the menu with no planning ahead of time. Number five. I can cut this. It's fine. Number five. Number five is... Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck this video. I can't even fit in the frame. The top of my head keeps getting cut off. I'm not crazy. Here's my hand. Here's the mouse.

Oh, look at the size difference. Okay, we'll go with the actual fuck. Darren! Oh god, I... Thank god you called. Look, I'm not fucking with you. I need you to bring me a scale and a measuring tape. Please. We've talked about this. You know why I can't do that. I know, I know. I know I said never ever, but, uh, this is different. I'm getting bigger? This has happened before. I'm gonna say what I always say.

I will still love you, no matter what. Okay, but you're not listening. It's not that I gained weight. I'm just bigger. Like, taller? I've somehow had a growth spurt at 28 years old, and I can't prove it because I don't have a scale or a fucking measuring tape. Oh, you don't believe me. I'll visit later. Then we can see for sure together, okay? Yeah.

Promise me that you'll be safe until I get there. I promise. I love you. I love you too. Can you bring me some food? What happened to the groceries you bought yesterday? I don't know. They didn't last as long as I thought that they would. But I'm fine. I haven't relapsed and I won't. I'm really trying not to. Alright, alright. I believe you. Just take a deep breath. Darren, could you bring me...

I just think protein would help with the pain. Please stay safe until I get there. You really didn't have to do that, Darren. I know you're worried, but a nanny can- Look, it'll only be temporary. With how you've been acting, I've seen you relapse before, and I know this is something else. You definitely need some kind of supervision, but I don't think a regular doctor would know what to do.

Well, yeah, I mean, no shit this is different. What do you mean "regular doctor"? Well, in my hometown, there was this girl who had something kind of similar happen to her. Not exactly the same, but, you know. And there was this whole team of specialists they brought in to treat her. I guess they were like experts in people who go through changes like this. Well, and what?

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Thanks for listening. And now back to the show. Hey guys, this is just a quick life update. Something's really wrong with me. Darren came over yesterday and measured my height. Not that he really needed to. I usually try not to keep track of any of my measurements because I don't need to know what my BMI is. But I think the last time I checked, I was five, seven and I've grown a foot.

The best we can figure out is it's got something to do with that weird orchid Darren bought me. I've never seen another like it, so I don't know, maybe I'm allergic or something? Well, it's not in the studio anymore, so hopefully I don't get any worse. Darren's trying to get in touch with a specialist. Turns out there are doctors who treat freaks like me. No, come on, Hannah. Not even as a joke. So that's why I'm not going to be posting for a while.

It's probably... it's not good for me to see what I look like right now. And for me to be editing videos. It's bad enough that this is literally my worst nightmare, you know? Like, this is the deepest irrational fear of every person with an ED. And I know that you know that. And that would be bad enough, but it hurts. And you might be wondering why I'm filming this. I can't just show you me being happy all the time. I need you to know that I'm like you.

I'm down in the muck. I'm in the pit. But I'll get back out. Recovery is not a straight line. I've been here before. And I've gotten better. Not exactly right here, but I hope it's a lovely day wherever you are. And whatever the other stuff I normally say is. Bye. Uh, hey. Did you, uh, manage to get any work done today? A little. Get what I asked for? Yep. Yep.

Sushi-gray tuna. It wasn't cheap, though. Maybe we can get chicken next time? No, I'm working my way up. Fish is safe. Chicken's still on the edge. Red meat isn't safe for me at all. I tried steak last night, and it was so good. It was exactly what I've been craving, but I suddenly realized what I was eating, and I just couldn't keep it down. I'm sorry. No, no, no. Don't be sorry, babe.

It's not your fault. Come on. What would you say if you were talking to those people who watch your videos? I would say putting fuel into your body is a bare minimum of self-care. You have to eat. And if you don't eat, you will not get better. A larger body needs more food. Exactly. Want me to put this stuff away? I'll get it. You know I have a system. Oh, I didn't realize you were hungry. You want me to, like...

Put that on the grill? It's sushi grade. Oh, uh, yeah. Okay, for what it's worth, I'm really proud of you. I know meat is hard for you, and, well, this is progress. Hannah from a couple years ago would have been able to do this. Hannah from a couple years ago wasn't a monster. Just because you're a little bigger-

Oh, fuck off, Darren. Are we not seeing the same reality here? Look at me. Look at my arms and my legs. Oh, God, look at my teeth, for God's sake. When I used to say I felt like a monster, it was hyperbole. But it's just the truth. I would give anything to look like that, Hannah. So do not patronize me. I know better than to argue with you when you're being like this. Do not act like I'm being ridiculous. Look...

You don't have to listen to me. We'll see what Dr. Hearst has to say. Wait, you talked to him? Yeah. They said he'll be able to come see you. Oh, thank- Do you think he can fix me? Babe, I haven't even met him yet. Let's just wait and see what he thinks. So I'm stuck like this then? Babe, come on, babe. Don't freak out. It's not that big of a deal. I'm not freaking out. I'm not. It is a big deal, Darren.

I guess I'm just kind of... mad! I mean, what did I think they were gonna say? That they were gonna prune me like a hedge? And I'd just go back to normal? I mean, maybe not. I don't know. I just... I just don't want you getting your hopes up. Then what's the goddamn point, Darren? Please. You're scaring me. Let's just take a lap- Ugh. Fuck! Diana! What the hell? I'm so sorry! I-

I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to... I just... I didn't want you to touch me. I... I didn't mean to... It's fine. I'll just clean it up with some iodine. Hopefully it won't need stitches. It's... a lot. I'm so sorry, Darren. I... I think I gotta go. I'll see you later, right? Sure. Darren, I... I'm so, so sorry. Darren?

It's midnight. What's up? How's your arm? Already told you it's fine. Just had a few stitches. Go back to bed, babe. I can't. I keep thinking about it. Don't have to worry about me. I promise I've had worse. No, Darren, that's not what I mean. That's not what's on my mind. I can't get the taste of your blood out of my mouth.

It's horrible, but I can't stop thinking about it. Sorry, what? That, like, uh, making you kinda sick, or... You need to stay away from me, dear. Okay, um, okay. You're scaring me, babe. Um, would you say if you were talking to the people who watch your videos? No matter how much space you take up, you deserve to be. But I don't. I'm a monster.

And I am not getting... Don't say that. I think that's true. Come on, let's talk about it, okay? Hannah? Hannah, stay with me. I'm right here. Maybe I'm just hungry. I'll feel better once... Hannah, can you hear me? Are you still there? Hannah? Let me in! The door's stuck! I know! You need to stay away from me, Darren! You gotta let me in, babe!

I'm here to help! You can't help! I just want it to stop! I don't care if they can reverse it. I just don't want it to get worse. And it keeps getting worse! It's not just the physical changes. Every thought I have is about eating. What I want to do is eat. And some part of me thinks that maybe if I do enough of it, I'll feel like a person again. You know, I thought about ordering in.

Just to have an excuse to invite someone inside. Or like, maybe one of my neighbors? You know, someone that lives alone? The more I thought about it, the more it made me sick. But I can't just not eat, Darren. Okay, can you hold off for a couple of hours? Then, then I can go get you some more meat. Maybe chicken this time? No, no, you, you don't have to do that. Hey, look...

It's been a really crazy time lately, and I think maybe we just need to sit down and talk this out. Why don't you come inside? Here, let me just move the couch and- God! Listen to me! What the hell am I doing?! God, what is wrong with me?! I know I can't keep getting worse! I can't let myself turn into an even bigger monster than I already am! But I need to eat! I need to eat, but I don't want to hurt anybody! I don't- anybody... else...

Hannah? Hannah, what was that? Hannah, what are you doing? It's barely bleeding. I don't even feel it. And it tastes good. Barely? It's healing. Can you see it? Let me show you. That's... It's meat! That's what I needed. That's what I need. Maybe if I can get enough. What are you saying, Hannah? Hello, lovelies. I hope it's a beautiful day wherever you are. And I hope that wherever you are, you feel safe and loved.

I know it's been a while since I last posted. I know a lot of you were worried. But you don't have to be. As you can see, I'm doing great. I used to feel like a monster whenever I gave in to my urges. And at my worst, I really believed it. And every therapist I ever had told me that wasn't true. That fueling your body doesn't make you a monster. What I wish someone had told me is that being a monster isn't the end of the world.

Darren never got the chance to make me that appointment. It's fine. Maybe one day I'll track Dr. Hearst down myself. Who knows? I might start to prefer living this way first. But I don't think you'll be hearing from me again, lovelies. Don't come looking for me. Bye! Thank you for listening, neighbor. Mayfair Watchers Society is based on the works of Trevor Henderson. Created by Trevor Henderson and Pacific S. Obadiah.

Relapse was written by Meg Tutton. Hannah was played by Ashley Jones. Darren was played by Brandon Nguyen. The dialogue editor was Jesse Hall. The sound designer was Brad Colebrook. Music was by Matt Royberger. The showrunner is Cale Brown. The creative director is me, Trevor Henderson. The producer is Pacific S. Obadiah. The executive producers are Tom Owen and Brad Miska. The Bloody FM Show. For more information, visit bloody.fm.