Ep 527 - The Pillow (feat. Stavros Halkias, Steve Gerben, & Chris O'Connor)
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Hello. Ma'am. It's good to be here, guys. We're here live with Stavros. What up? Stevie Gerby, baby. Chris, the Ocon man. Ocon.

O'Connor. Oh, man. God damn. What's going on in the world these days? What a fucking crew. You know, I think we can all agree the most important thing is that Let's Start a Cult is out on VOD November 12th. In terms of what the country is going to be talking about and what's buzzing on everybody, Let's Start a Cult is out. A nice, dumb comedy on VOD, folks.

That's what everybody's thinking about. And what's the date? November 12th, I believe. I don't actually fucking know. November 12th, I think. Get it on Amazon or some shit. Apple, you know, wherever the fuck you rent the movie. And that's what you want to fucking think about. Did you have a lot of fun making a movie? Did you have fun making a movie? Yeah, I mean, I was trying to avoid it, but there's no avoiding it. Right. Yep.

It's undeniably funny. It really is. Unfortunately, it is really funny. T2 is hilarious. Well, yeah, we all...

You did give us the day off and force us to go vote in Pennsylvania about four times each. I did. You gave us the names. You told us to pick out gravestones, our four favorite ones, and cast votes for Trump. You could have voted for me. That's true. Somebody should have voted for me. I wonder what your numbers were like in Pennsylvania. You probably got some nice write-ins for real. Yeah, I don't know. And they count those as Trump, by the way. No, I just meant as me. I didn't vote. Oh. I could have given someone my vote.

That's possible. I am undeniably a Trump enjoyer. There's no denying that.

support I'll let the troops handle that I'll let the patriots take care of that sure you got stolen valor you got Trump stolen valor I have the most stolen valor on that someone sees you in a MAGA hat they're like where did you serve where were you in January 6th fucking I'm in line at fucking Sbarro's in the mall did you serve where did you vote for Donald Trump

I didn't, but I thought he was funny as fuck.

Where's your official Donald Trump commemorative coin? Where's your official Donald Trump silver dollar? I actually might have that. No, I didn't buy it. People give me shit. I definitely have a Donald Trump $1,000 bill that's gold and it has Donald Trump on it. I've got two of those. Two separate people have given me one of those. The value's got to be going through the roof. I can't throw them out. All the fucking old people that are like, well...

It's something to leave my family. Trump is going to just appreciate it over time. Did you guys remember those people that were like...

They thought buying Iraqi dinar was going to be like the next thing. That was like a big Fox News scam. Once democracy sets in, that currency is going to be worth a lot. Oh, shit, ISIS. Fuck, they got ISIS. Does ISIS have a currency? ISIS is dead, dude. I don't know if you remember T1 got rid of them. They're still floating around, don't they? I don't think they're even floating around. There's got to be one guy with a lair.

Yeah, he's probably hanging around. He's probably got all the currency now. He's probably petting a cat and hatching plants. Where's their stronghold? Are they really done? They jump around. They went to Africa for a little bit, didn't they? Yeah, I mean, isn't that just Boko Haram or whatever?

Yeah, that's the ISIS and J-Town. That's how it always works. They always have branches. Wasn't ISIS Al-Qaeda? And Al-Qaeda was like, you guys are nuts. Yeah, yeah. Oh, damn. Is that what happened? I believe. That's awesome for Al-Qaeda to be like, guys, come on. Al-Qaeda got trumped.

Trump situation on their hands. They thought they were crazy and then a new guy came. Yeah. He's like, you want to see crazy? We're about to pick a fight with America. We don't have anything. Do you think there's any ISIS guys that are into the Joker? Do you think there was a guy who came in and joked about makeup? Definitely. They still love movies and culture. Yeah, true. You know what I mean? Wasn't it like, what did Bin Laden had? What was his shit? Yeah.

He had a movie. He had a favorite movie. I think he had Dude, Where's My Car in his collection. He had stuff that was like. I'm not even joking. He had movies. I think that was one of the movies he had on DVD. It's like Kim Jong-un being like Kevin Costner. With the subtitles. Yeah, yeah. Was it Kim? Was it just a translator stand next to it? I swear Kim Jong-un was Kevin Costner. He was a big Kevin Costner fan. He was like, this guy's incredible. Bring him out. And they're like, we can't get him. He was like, you're dead. Wow.

He executed a guy for not bringing the dances with wolves. He was a huge Chicago Bulls fan, too. He did have a rap. Ill. That was Ill. Oh, that was Ill? Yeah. He was Elvis, right? Wasn't that like a big thing? Didn't he get to visit Graceland once? Who? Kim Jong-un? Kim Jong-il. Ill. Ill was the new guy. His dad. No, no. Oh, Ill was the old one? Yeah. Un was the new one. Kim Jong-il was... No, Kim Jong-un was...

I swear. The new guy liked Dennis Rodman. I think love of the bulls is like a family trait. Oh, okay. Because the dad was really in it. The guy's born from the sun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I love a fattest shit emperor too, man. His fits. I honestly want to dress like him.

And he was ahead of the curve with like the flowy outfits and shit. Yeah. He's like wide leg trousers. That's how like gay guys dress now. That's like cool. You go to fuck, even kids all wear, that was Kim Jong-un, dude. Big legs, flowy garments, dude. Kim Jong-un fucking dresses awesome. I think they're headed over to Ukraine, Russia. Yes, they're all jacking off. And they just got the internet, so they're all jacking off to porn. They lost an entire battalion to fucking porn hub. Yeah.

I mean, you saw those trenches I was showing you. You could catch a couple in there. You could catch a jackal off in Ukraine. Easy. No problem. And then the guy peeks around the corner. You go, oh! And get fucking lit up. Fuck. Having a drone fly over you as you're beating off. As you're beating off. Just drop a grenade. The whole world's going to see you going...

It's your little ass malnourished North Korean dick. Did they feed the soldiers well? I bet they did. No, right? Probably not that great. I'm sure they have like 20 of them that are jacked. Yeah. And they march. Yeah. The Kings Guard, like the official guard, he probably has some sexy guys out there. But yeah, being deployed, because they're the troops that he can do without. Yeah.

He's not set in Russia, his number one guy. Yeah, he's not. He's sending the guys that are going to get addicted to porn immediately. Oh, maybe it's a pornography purge. True. Maybe they fucking jettison their horny soldier to Russia. They'd get me. Yeah, oh yeah. You'd be basically a seventh grader all over again. True, dude. You'd get there and be like, holy fuck, dude. You've been able to jack off. You can watch it.

You can see sex? I mean, remember just jacking off to Bang Bus like 30-second trailers on dial-up? Yeah. These guys get on a phone broadband first time. Starlink. Starlink. Elon Musk is giving them the fucking satellites. All right. All right. Rush has got to call and be like, turn it off. Turn it off. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's shorting Starlink. These guys jacking off for the first time. Yo, I've seen Starlink twice in the sky, and it's terrifying. People get scared of it. It's a little barrel of Wi-Fi. It's a row of a ton of satellites in a straight line going across the sky. And I've heard people screaming when they saw it. It looks like a UFO. It's like the scariest thing I've ever seen. Damn. Yeah.

You ever see it? I've seen images of it. Yeah, it's really... It's not a regular satellite. No, it's a ton of satellites in a line. Interesting, interesting. I saw a homeless guy see spinners for the first time back in 2002. Like the Springwell rims? Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, I thought it was very funny. He's like, what the fuck? What?

That's got to feel so bad to be homeless and a guy just has like show off rims. Just like two pairs of rims on his car that you would kill to live in. You would kill to live inside that Lincoln. And this motherfucker just has extra rims. You should sell that Lincoln immediately for some drugs. Let's not act like these guys are just like, oh, I wish I had a home. He'd like to sleep inside. He'd like to jack off and sleep in. He would sleep inside for two days, right? Get warm and then be like,

I could go for some pussy right now. Sell these spinners right now. The spinners would go first. Oh, me too. It would be high as shit in the back of that car. That's a good night. The night you still have the car and you're getting pussy off the spinners money. And maybe you take the radio out too. But you have shelter to get pussy inside of. And a couple Wendy's. I don't think those guys need shelter to get pussy.

I guess that's true. They're going to go find their best girl. But it must feel nice to fuck inside for a change. Do you think those boys are getting a lot of pussy? No. I don't think they're getting any ever. But that's what I'm saying. I don't think it's on call.

No, no, of course not. What I'm saying is... Actually, yeah, I guess it is because they're all drug addict ladies. Yeah. And once you get shelter... A roof. Takes a little bit of heroin. Yeah. I got some heroin. Exactly. So what I'm saying is... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I take it back. Well, no, I don't think they're fucking that much, but once... I think those boys are getting sucked constantly. No, no. Stop. What is your theory? What? No, no. I'm just saying they don't fuck that much, but this guy with the Lincoln...

His first night sells the spinners. It's the best of both worlds. Before he has to sell the car whole cloth, he gets to have it buy pussy for $20. Maybe $40. It's not like you have to buy it. You go, I have some heroin. Oh, true. She's in the car. You go, you're going to have to give me head. I think that's understood. You're not getting any heroin.

I'll kill you, bitch. Get out of my living room. Doing all the same stuff. You're like, this is going to last forever. From here on out, I'm turning things around. That's one more hit. One more blowjob. And then I'm getting a job. Dude, if you could like bottle and put that into your... Like the happiness that guy feels the first time he does...

like a nice, good quality heroin and get sucked off. That feels better than anything we will ever experience. I don't know. I feel like I've experienced versions of that. But addiction? Oh, no. I mean, I guess. Giving into your vices? I'm talking about just like the idea of like getting one paycheck and being like, I'm the richest guy of all time. Yeah, but you don't. I'm going out. I'm getting pussy. Yes. True. True.

But you don't have the extreme deprivation to like juxtapose it with. You know what I mean? Going from absolutely nothing. The living on the street. The living on the street, getting no head whatsoever to, you know what I mean? Unless you've done something awesome with your money. These guys are making eyes at each other. I'm just smiling at Steven. I'm happy to see him.

And I know he's probably spinning his head because he hasn't spoken yet. No, I was careful. He gave us the link and the rims. Oh, thank you. I was sitting here and then I was like, if Shane accuses me of not talking, I'll be like, I'll give you the whole screen.

I got your brother. I was just checking in. I wasn't sure. It's such an awesome thing. It's like, I haven't seen Starlink, but, uh, I had a MRI machine in my brain when he said that. And I thought it was like, yes.

No, I'm so happy to be pod. You know, we, I, on the record, I've been trying to get you clear of your, you've got like a, you've got like, so you're the USSR and he's Sabonis and you won't let him come over. You know what I mean? No, it's not him. No, no, no. If he does another podcast before he does mine, now he's free. He's done enough. All right. All right. I said that on my own terms. Yeah. You make your own terms, big man. Cause I've been trying to get Steve,

No. I'm saying, you know what I mean? Yes. Yes. Yes. You're a loyal man. That's true. Yeah. But man, I remember seeing Steve for the first time. Maybe it was the original Tires pilot or maybe it was even... There's probably that, right? The King sketch. When did you guys do that? Yeah. Was that first? Two summers ago. Right? I just remember seeing this motherfucker and being...

I'm like, that's a star, baby. I was like, I love that guy. I don't know. He reminds me of Tom Cruise. That's what it is. Well, whatever. I'm going to take that as honest. I am honest. You have star qualities. Stop.

You do. I'm trying to be nice, dude. I can't tell. You just said I look like Tom Cruise. Yeah, but you wear cool jackets. You want like a leather Top Gun jacket. No, I don't. In your head, you're Tom Cruise. No, I don't want a leather Top Gun jacket. Yeah, you are. Which is fine. A period of time in my life, maybe. 20 years ago. 20 years ago.

People change. I mean, hold on. You thought you could ever pull off Tom Cruise? That's right. I remember I literally had a friend tell me, he's like, do you actually think you're sexy? Do you still think you're sexy? Ha!

That's awesome. Men can be... What? You still think you're sexy? First of all, what was the problem? No! Hold on a second. If I did, who cares? I care. That's a tough admission, Steve. If you think you're sexy, I'm going to be mad about it. Why? Because you're not. No, I know I'm not. But here's the thing. And I'm your friend and I'm here to help you. But you're sexy. No, I'm fucking not. Dude, stop. That's a good move. That's a good move.

That's a good move on the team's end. That's good, Steve. Good work. All right, what else? The Ravens are on. If we lose to the Bengals, I'll fucking kill myself. I also distinctly remember that I was trying to shoot some sort of short, and this is, again, I was probably in my late teens, and I had a running sequence

And then when I saw myself run like Chris's joke, it's like, oh my God. Yeah. It looks nothing like in your head. You've like, it really hurts. Beautiful. Dude, I know. I'm not even doing this just to plug the movie again, but I didn't realize I wrote this script, but I didn't realize I wrote myself to sprint like four times. And I was so fucking fat that it was like,

The first time I was like, I'm a fucking athlete. And then I wake up the next day, my entire body is fucking sore from one sprint of like full speed. And we had to like turn it up on the, you had to like two times the film to make it look fast. I was so fucking fat. And it just was like, well,

It looks like he stops booking it. It's double the speed. I would go see the movie just for that. It's like a Charlie Chaplin movie. It's like scurrying around. Jumping on a trolley. You look so fucking stupid trying to run. I don't know, man. I like Steve thinking he's sexy personally.

Because even though it's not true, right? Let's put that on the record. It's important when... Physically. It's important when he fucks for him to think he's sexy. Yeah, not sexy physically. That is a zone I wish I could get into is thinking I'm sexy. Because it doesn't matter. Especially while fucking. Yeah. It's for yourself. It's fuel while you fuck. Oh, yeah. Because in that moment... Yeah. Yeah.

I've had a lot of fucks go wrong. Yeah, of course. Yeah, getting in my own head. For sure. Yeah. I've lost direction. What happened? I've lost direction. What happened there? I don't know. I thought about what we were doing. Yeah. You allowed me to do this? Yeah, yeah. I got outside of myself for one second and I completely collapsed. But you get in there and you get in the zone sexually. I could see that. Absolutely. And you go, what? We're having fun.

I like to have a little fun. I love that Steve is the most sensual. Shane has your house bugged. Shane has your house bugged. I've got everything. I know everything. After Tyrus comes out, I'm going to black him out of all the photos. He's never going to have existed.

It's fun to imagine that that is the conversation in Steve's head while he's doing that. It's just you in there with him and he's going, what? He did dodge a bullet. Yeah, he tried to get me real good. And he dodged it. What happened? You know, I was going to probably... I knew his lady was coming to visit. Okay. And I said, you're going to perform oral sex, aren't you? And he was like, well, I like, I enjoy oral sex. I was like, ew. Shout out to my man. Another eater.

Yeah, of course. Hold on. Yeah, dog. I knew Steve was going to be face down, ass up, and it's some pussy. I knew he was going to be on his knees eating pussy that night.

Yeah

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Oh, really? It depends. How else? Do you do one leg up? Side of the bed? Oh, you kneel and pray to God. Yeah. I've done that. There's nothing wrong with that. You get on your knees on the side of the bed? Yes. Because then you... What if it's a really low bed? You could pop up and...

Get in there Steve

That's how you should... You fuck like a R&B singer from the 90s. I got wood floors. That would fucking kill my knees. That doesn't hurt your knees. You need some carpet. You lay down. You're a prepared lover. You lay down on a blanket or a pillow. Sometimes I'll throw a pillow down. Sometimes no. Sometimes no. Sometimes you say... The pain is part of the pleasure. The pain on his knees is part of the pleasure. So he was all day. I knew he was going to perform. You're going to think of me and he was like...

Good Lord. Because obviously I was gonna. And then...

When it was over, I came out of the bathroom and I out loud was like, yes! And she was like, what? And I told her what happened. He remembered while he was in the bathroom. He didn't think of it during the feeding. He was lost in the feeding. Shut up. He was receiving nutrients. You are a fucking vampire, dude. You're a fucking Nosferatu. Jesus.

Yeah, moth juice Nosferatu. You need to get your vitamins. Your vitamin B.

So you eat your vitamins on your knees, you stand up, you dip your dick in, you go back. Don't say dip your dick in. You dip your dick in, you check the oil, you go back out. You're mocking this. It's awesome, dude. I support it. It's just funny that you do it. It is. You understand? But I love that. He's a sexually liberated man. Totally sexually liberated. I'm the opposite. I'm totally repressed. Yeah, yeah. You're Jewish, right?

Yeah, he has no job. Love that. Respect, dude. I grew up Gregor the Ducks, but I'm godless as well. Yeah.

And I think it's, but even a little early religion will repress you no matter what. Yeah. I mean. I think it's probably a good thing. To stay repressed? I think, no. At least as a kid, get a little repression there. I don't know. A little bit. I don't like. Then you got somewhere to grow. The kids jacking off and being like, I'm going to hell. Yes. That's a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you're like, what am I doing to this woman? Right, right. If I'm like losing myself into eating her pussy every day. Sounds awesome. Yeah.

That's cool. It sounds nice. I wish I could do it, but I'm saying it's nice to know that there is a line and a limit where I'm not going to stand up, stick my dick in, put the pillow back on the ground, and go back down to munching. That sounds cool, dude. Imagine losing yourself like that, dude. But just the idea that you had a plan. The idea that you had a plan. Because it's... No, he envies you, Steve. Steve, he envies you, Steve. I do. He envies you. I envy your ability. Now, do you ever...

You ever hit a CP and then go, ooh, it's feeding time again? Have you considered it? No. Have you ever... No. Have you ever tasted your own... No. That is next level. I know you've tasted it. You never looked it on. I'll come up to you. Ew, ew, ew. Chicken tenders, but no, not in his own cum. He's pulling the cum apart.

I'll only eat this part. Have you seen me do that? Everybody's seen you eat. You're like a fucking praying man. It's crazy. You're going to be so mad when my top comes off. You're ripped? I've been working on my core. Awesome. I don't like the way I said that either. What? I regret saying all this. I just saw myself today in the mirror. I was changing. I was like, Shane's going to be pissed at me when it comes time to...

When you wrote yourself in for taking your shirt off. Did I write that? So you lifted your ass. I didn't know I wrote that. I'm excited for it. Yeah. Tell me after. I don't remember what it is now. No spoilers. Folks, we got a great season, the entire season. It's good. It actually is fucking awesome. And I love the part where you wrote in you eating pussy and we're showing it. We're showing it Vincent Gallo, Brown Bunny style. You're getting your dick sucked on screen. The whole season is just Steve's.

Getting eating pussy. The whole fucking 12 straight hours. Steve. Occasionally he talks to the camera. We wrote dialogue. He'll pop up and go, hmm, now that's good. Delicious. Now that's good eating. And he has one line to show and you gotta guess. It's fun. It's thrilling. You never know what he's gonna say. It's like Fleabag. Yeah. Turn actually down the barrel of the camera.

I know nobody likes this, so I'm just going to say it very quick. You are so good at stuff. You're so good. Stop it. I truly can't wait for everybody to see this. No, dude, we're fucking...

Let's suck our... Not to suck our own dicks, but this is... Everybody's... I'm surprised we're all good actors. Honestly, it doesn't make any sense. Everyone's... What I do like is that we're... It's an ugly-ass show, and we're all surprisingly good actors. Like, there's no sexy motherfuckers. You know, you below the neckline. That's what's also awesome about you, Steve, is that, look, face-wise, it's a wild thing you got going on. Yeah.

You're like a young grandpa. You know what I mean? You've got a twinkle in your eye. Thank you, Shane. You've got big doe eyes. I like that. They're beautiful eyes, but I'm saying you have an interesting juxtaposition that then when you... That's the second time I said that. You've got an interesting mix. Whatever.

And then when you take the titties out and you're ripped, that's even better. It's weird. I think that's good, though. You're talking to a guy whose whole thing is dazzle camouflage, confusing women into not understanding what's going on so that they'll fuck with me. You know what I mean? There's so much going on. They're like, well, this is something interesting. If God didn't smite you with that arthritis, you'd be a demon. He needed to nerf you.

He did. God needed to nerf you because you'd be fucking... You'd be a problem. You would have.

In one way. Think of what you do to pussy. All right. Think of the disastrous things you do. Yeah. You wouldn't be doing this show. No. You wouldn't be doing it. No? No. You definitely wouldn't be. You wouldn't be in comedy. You'd be selling rims to get pussy in the video. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you'd be doing heroin. You'd be selling your spinners. Fucking get a blowjob from a heroin addict. Yeah, you'd honestly just be a successful small businessman that lived for pussy. Yeah.

You know, which nothing wrong. I, by some metrics, that's sort of what I am as well. I'm a podcaster, you know, I sell and all I do is try and fuck, but you know, it's awesome, dude. Yeah. What were you doing before tires?

You mean like for work? Yeah. I was working for my brother. What was your long term... Did you have a long term? As a paralegal? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I did. I mean, my brother, Gerben Law Firm, best boss I've ever had. I love him so much. Hell yeah, dude. And yeah, I was doing that. And he was...

I mean, I worked for him for 16 years. And like I said, still do to some degree. But he was so supportive of any time I would do something. He would give me time off and then, yeah. You were paralegal? Yeah. Me too, brother. Oh, nice. Yeah, I'm a fellow legal professional. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were you doing? Dude, I didn't even, like, I didn't technically get my degree from UMBC. I left with two language credits.

And they were like, oh, you're going to... Is one of them fucking Greek? Dude, I could have taken a test to get out of it. And I just... I was like... So what happened is they let me walk because they were like, oh, you'll get these in the summer. And I was like, sure. And then I walked and my mom saw me walk. And I was like, that's what I went to fucking college for. I don't give a fuck about a diploma. So I didn't have a diploma. And then my friend was like...

I work at this law firm. And I was like, all right, I'm just going to say I have my degree. See what happens. Didn't check. Turns out they didn't check because they were a completely unethical law firm. Literally like two years later, one of the partners blew his brains out on the parking lot because he was embezzling and shit. That's kind of funny because you ever see that there's a comedy sketch where they take the sticker. You know how vans have stickers with their families on? Yeah. It's funny to take it off like,

Yeah. Goldstein, Schmidt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they got Schneider. Schneider's out. And it was a fucking foreclosure law firm. And I didn't know that. And when I got there, I was like, well, I'm not helping these assholes.

Take people's homes. So I just was like, I'm just not gonna work and see how long it takes him to fire me It took them a year Maybe that's what did it maybe it was like holy fuck I Forged his resume It was all it was such a fucked-up place what it what did paralegals do I

I was supposed to say hearing dates. That was my whole thing. I was essentially a very specific secretary. What did you do? So it was a trademark law firm. So like I would do the trademark searches and then fill out the report. Then you give it to the attorneys. Oh, and then they get all the fucking credit. You were doing all the grunt work. I think that's what paralegals do. Yeah. Like all the grunt work. Did you ever think of becoming a lawyer? Yeah. Like very briefly, but I was so bad. Your goal was to remain a paralegal?

Apparently. No, it was to try and... Eventually get a law degree. No, no. It was to try and do something in the entertainment business. Oh, okay. Yeah. Of course. And... Yeah, I also had like a 1.4 GPA from Drexel. Oh, yeah. You're stupid. You're an incredible student. Yeah, he's totally stupid. He's smart. He's stupid.

Oh, we talked about this. I guess that's like the old Simpsons joke about Milhouse where someone calls him a nerd and he's like, I'm not a nerd. Nerds are smart. Just appearing nerd-coded but being fucking dumb. It's awesome. Have you been a 1-4? 1-4 at Drexel, bro. Might have been a 1-7, but it was definitely...

What did you fail? It was the end of my scholastic career, unfortunately. What was the, like, do you remember any particular scholastic failures? Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, all of them. Because we talked about it last time. When I first got into George Washington, I fell out of there. I went to Delco Community College. Fell out of Delco Community College. Respect. Respect.

Delivered mail, then worked for my dad at the business. Delivered mail? Yeah, you were a mailman? Yeah, yeah. Isn't that hard to do? Isn't that hard to get into? Yeah, especially because my vision was really bad at the time. Everybody's getting mail. And the issue was, I was like, I forget what they call, but it wasn't like I had a mail route. It was like I filled in for whoever was sick. Oh.

So there's always new route. Auxiliary mailman, dude. Utility player. Casual carrier was the term. Casual carrier. Casual carrier. Sounds like age. Did you have like a jeweler's glass to read the addresses? No, I had like a pretty glass that I constantly put on and take off.

Yeah. Yeah. Casual care really does sound like the Johnny Appleseed of AIDS. Going from fucking public bathroom to public bathroom, hitting up Craigslist. Hey, Beyonce is taking her clothes off. That's special. I've never seen this commercial. Oh, god damn. In front of children. That's good to have sex and then kids. Okay. Confuse everybody. Dude, fucking repressed Catholic. Dude, let's show those titties off. How old is she now?

45. I have no idea. That was my guess too. That's the number that popped into my head. I thought you were more pervert than I thought. No, you know what? Actually, hold on. I don't know how old Beyonce is. I'm going to say 39. Yeah. I'm going to say 39. I'm good, bro. Just Google what age Beyonce is.

Yeah, I think I'm going 40. So wait, I'm 36. Exactly. That's kind of the math I did. She's probably like 41. Oh, I'm 41. Yeah, I definitely remember the... No, I'm not a repressed Catholic. The commercial was the hottest woman in the world taking her clothes off. And it's like, oh, I'm getting hard a little. And then they cut the two kids. And you go, well, okay. I thought you meant kids shouldn't be able to watch it. No, kids are in it. There's two children sitting in there and I'm starting to get hard.

And then the cut happens. Your dick is hard and it cuts to two kids. Okay, okay. And Lily's zooming in on Beyonce's ass while she takes her jeans off. That's, okay. I thought you meant little boys watching football aren't allowed to look at Beyonce. Two twins. And it's twins. And just like that, it's twins. It's like the Tyler Durden flash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Subliminal messaging. Yeah, dude. If they've already got, oh, you're right. Twins. How's your dick not supposed to get hard when you see twins? Twins.

43. There you go. That's pretty good. I'm going to say it. Beyonce is pretty. One of a legendary piece of ass I think we

and a beautiful woman who I definitely, ooh. Back in the days, we're of the generation where we have a lot in common with those North Korean soldiers. Because internet wasn't that available. That's what I mean. Those guys are literally what we were. And I jacked off to video, like MTV videos. I remember 03 Bonnie and Clyde jacking off to that. I remember, there's a video. Yes, yes. No, my first, my first, was the movie, the movie The Getaway. Oh,

Oh, my God. I did carry a 1.4 GBA. Well, that's where me and Steve, being horny, that's where actually this side of the podcast aligns. I think I have a little age on you because I was squiggle porn. Squiggle porn. Yeah. Me too. Yeah.

I just didn't have cable. We didn't get cable until they got satellite TV from Greece and my dad got it and there was no squiggles on satellite. So there's no way to look at like a floppy green tit or whatever through the squiggles. You said the getaway? Yeah.

Yeah, the getaway. Oh, yeah. With Alec Baldwin. Sure. Who's the chick? You're dragging off Alec Baldwin. Kim Basinger. Kim Basinger. Oh, yeah. Is that where they met? And there was the other girl. Yeah, the scene that I was jerking off to is like wildly fucked up. Oh, shit. Did you show me this? Is this where they get kidnapped? Yeah. The guy is taped to the toilet screaming.

Screaming while Alec Baldwin fucks his girlfriend. Oh my god. And I was just like, middle school, not knowing really, not fully grasping what the fuck was going on. Just seeing tits and being like, alright, I can block this out. My mom just kept coming home and being like, he's rewatching Getaway. And I was like, what?

Now, did that fuck you up? Do you do it? Are you into it? I don't know. It's in there somewhere. Oh, yeah. You showed me this, dude. This fucked me up. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's really bad. The guy whose girlfriend who he got kidnapped. Oh, no. And they both got kidnapped, I guess. Yeah. And the guy's tied to a chair and hops down the hole. And he's like, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. And he leans in and the girl's on top. Yeah. Like riding the guy. And he's like, no.

She's into it? Yeah, she's totally into it. It's like devastating. It's crazy. I mean, I guess that's better than jacking off to someone getting raped while the guy's in the chair. But still not good. It's crazy we wrote that into tires, though. And Steve actually insisted on penetration. Don't let him put the pillow on the floor, honey.

You'll never recover. Once the pillow's on the floor, it's over. It's like a shark with blood in the water. Once there's a single pillow on the floor. If Gertie gets a drop of vitamin B. That scene I wrote, just being like, no, but it works. Trust me, every kid in America is going to be jacking off the tires.

You gotta get him young. That's all we want. Season two of Tires for boys to check on. Boys to beat off, dude. There's tits in every episode.

Oh, there was a bikini episode. I wonder if one kid in America caught a jack off. Oh, somebody probably beat off the carrot. True. Yeah. I don't know, but I had trick-or-treaters in one. I mean, he had to be like eight or nine talking to me about the show. That kid might have jacked off the carrot. It sounds like his dad sent him. His dad's standing behind him. His dad was not, but he did say that, like, my dad. Yeah. That's nice. You're a fucking neighborhood celeb. Yeah. All right.

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November 10th, Eagles-Cowboys. I think Saquon Barkley is going to get way more than 85 yards rushing. Good Lord, if that's the number, it's definitely that. Jalen more or less than 214 yards passing.

who the fuck's jalen moore jalen more or less oh oh oh yeah i was like what the fuck is it when did he take i'd say more yeah the cowboys you got to go against the cowboys and everything at this point uh you know what that's what scares me dax hurt yeah right is dak out yeah hamstring i bet you the kid the backup's gonna come in cooper rush gonna play a little anyway but stav you know basketball

Celtics bucks on this side. Yeah, I know. So the fucking Sixers. Do you think Jason Tatum will get more or less than 29 points? You're saying less. Oh, Stavis pick less.

Sixers Hornets. Tyrese Maxey is going to go for more than 30. He's the only one that can score. No, he just got hurt. Tyrese Maxey is going to go a little less. He just got hurt. He's out. Wait, for real? Yeah, yeah. When? Against the Clippers? Yeah, he got a hamstring thing. Jesus Christ. They might not win a game. Yeah, yeah. What are they? One and six? Yeah.

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That's code DRANCHED on PrizePix app to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 line of PrizePix. Run your game. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. It says, take a moment to say thank you to someone in your life. I'd like to thank my mommy. She's so sweet, and I love her so much. And next week, tune in. I might thank my daddy. This month is all about gratitude, guys. That's what I'm trying to say. And along with the person I just shouted out, my mommy,

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Hey, New York City, I have an announcement for you guys. I will be at the legendary venue Town Hall for the New York Comedy Festival on November 16th, 2024. Uh...

Tickets are doing all right. I believe we're at 974 out of, I believe, 1,400. It's not ideal. If that show, if any, it's going to be a big one. So if you could come, that would be great. If you have other things to do, I'll submit myself to my fate. And still, I'm going to have a three-quarter sold theater in front of some industry bigwigs. They'll judge me thusly, and that'll be what I get. But thank you guys so much. Please come. I don't know why I'm thanking you. Just please come. I shouldn't thank you yet.

Come to the show, alright guys? It's the Comedy Festival. I thought New York City would be so easy to sell fucking tickets in. I was like, there's 25 million people. How the fuck am I going to sell these tickets easily? It's not the case, dude. It's not the fucking case. Please, guys, please come. Thank you.

I heard about, uh, I got some gossip from the country club. Oh, you did? About the woman. Oh, that's right. The evil woman. Yeah. There's an evil woman at the country club? Yeah, there's a woman that bullies Steve at the country club. She only once, but she bullies like everybody. How old is she? She's very old. Uh, I'd put her at like 55, 60. Okay. Okay. The bungles are on the board, by the way. Fuck. Seven nothing bungles. Are you fucking kidding me?

But it's so funny because... I'm not going to get enthralled. I'm going to be a good podcaster. You can fucking watch it the whole time. It's so... We got Gurbys, dude. You're right, dude. Pull a string. He's our Derrick Henry, dude. Just feed him the ball. I don't know who that is. No, no, tell me, tell me. Oh, what I was saying is... Some old bitch at the fucking country club. Well, what I was saying is that...

you know, doing this podcast, it's still a little surreal of like how far the reaches of it. Cause sure. I think I was like one of the first guests you ever had. You're up there. Yeah. Abandon us for several years. And it was like at the time he had like a thousand. Yes. We didn't think anyone was listening. Oh, believe me, brother. Yeah.

And now, like, I went to the country club and people were like, that was really funny. I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, wow, on the pod. Not even tires, like the literal pod. Yeah. At the country club? You're listening to a podcast? Jesus Christ. No, it's not. It's bullshit. He goes to the poor people. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah. Okay. And you were getting bullied? Yeah.

I was like, she enjoyed the country clubs. I go to your poor ass. Did you look into it? No, I didn't know. I was just making fun of them. I didn't know it was a poor people. I didn't even think those exist. Sure. Uh, but it's not the rich one. It's definitely not. I mean, it's, it's pricey, but it's not like the elite level. Soon. You're going to be in it. Once season two comes out, season two comes out elite. Uh,

I think so. Steve. No, but it is true that like we were talking about you a nice pillow.

I'm going to get you an ergonomic... I'm going to get you a MyPillow. Dude, okay, here's what it is. That's the other commercial you do is MyPillow Pussy Eating Pillows. Gerben Pussy Eating Edition MyPillow. Hi, I'm Mike Lindell and I designed the perfect pillow for Steve Gerben to eat his Gerben's pussy.

Now Steve's girlfriend, Steve Gerben's girlfriend snatches fucking three skimmy's ready to eat. My bad, as soon as I said it, I was being disrespectful. I love being disrespectful. Don't worry about it.

The limited edition Gerb and my pillows. That would sell. That would sell. I'm getting one. I actually might give it a shot. Yeah. I might toss a pillow on the ground and go, I'm going to go, Steve told me to do this.

That's fucking awesome, dude. I'm like, look at that. So tell us about this woman that bullied you, man. Oh, we did it last time. Oh, you did it last time. My bad. We did it last time, but members of the country club are DMing and reaching out. That's awesome. Yeah, that lady's a bitch. Let's start it. Yeah. We could eliminate her. I do know her name now. Yeah, I know. She's pretty psychotic. Yeah. Yeah.

Watch your back, bitch. Stop being mean to my friend Steve at the golf course. That'd be so funny to get locked in a libel lawsuit. Some crazy lady through the podcast. She's like, I am a bitch. They're talking about me. Again, though, and I said it last time, though, it's a country club full of attorneys. Everyone's like, what are we doing? What's the point of being that if you can't make your life easier with regards to these crazy people? Of course.

Yeah. You don't razzle dazzle. You don't fucking put on a nice show at the country club. No, but Shane was hilarious. Bro, I know how you are when I'm not around. Oh, yeah. I'm nice to people. No. No, he's like... I love to have a good time. He likes to be like, yeah, so Netflix, I mean, they've been good to me.

I know all the guys at Netflix and they've been great. Yeah. Never once. We're working on season two. Do I say, do I tell people about how season two is going? Of course. Because they want to hear it. You know, it's a nice thing. It's like a report. In the community. You know what I mean? You're fucking putting jobs. You're a small business owner. You're a job creator in this community, dude. The Westchester economy has you to thank. Booming. Thanks to you, truly. We moved the whole show here.

It is a nice thing, I think, to talk to people. He can't stay in, but if I'm having fun and I'm talking to people, he's got to come in and blow it up. Right. Interesting. I don't think that's true. Well, I'm curious about, since you knew you always wanted to be in entertainment, what was your first taste? Was it a school play? Oh, yeah. I'd love to hear about this. You're dressed like Madonna and dance in front of the whole school. Yeah.

Wow, you're good, dude. I had to hit puberty. I was like 5'2 until my senior year of high school. He's 5'2 in senior year. Oh, man.

That's fucking awesome. When did you blow up? Oh, that's why you got a fucking 1-4. Your body probably hurt like hell. You threw a foot. You were going through growing pains. Yeah. In Western Civilization 101. Yeah. Damn. Then you remember the story I got picked on...

Down syndrome. Down syndrome. Kid got your ass. A little foreshadowing. By the way, I think of... You grew up? Yeah. I grew up. And I'm him and I hit a growth spurt. Your brain went from 5'2 to 6'2. The Grinch's heart. My brain went from 5'2 to 6'2.

He had all his mental faculties? No, he did not. No.

All right. We've talked about it before, and I'm sorry, but it's fun to tell. Yeah. All right, stop, stop. This is the type of man he is. He's the, yeah. He wanted to show off for the girls. Show off. See, you always do. You always look at the world. Okay. Did you or did you not say, I'm going to play basketball with the special needs kid? Mm.

So maybe some people will see me do it. No, so that's when I hit that pillow into my knee. And then you got humped by everybody. By that kid in front of everybody. What happened was... No, he's right in the smallest degree. When we started playing, yes. I noticed girls looking at me, yes.

But that- that- there's this middle school, my cousin had started a program- And you were probably 4'11" at the time. Yeah. You're a little guy. Where you can spend his activity period, lunch- Right for the down-to-earth bro. You know, playing- playing around with- with the special needs kids, so I did that in my school. I won an award, presidential or whatever, fitness award? Citizenship award. Okay. I took a picture of it, 'cause I found the plaque recently, in case you don't believe me. Anyway. I believe you. So- Oh, no way you won the citizen award!

So that was a different series so then I was playing basketball there was one

You know, a student who was very heavily afflicted. Heavily afflicted. The boy was touched in the brain. And yeah, he was, you know, I noticed girls watching me and then he made a basket, got excited, gave me a big hug, and then it turned into a really, really vigorous dry hug. Oh, man. Was it a dick hard? The security guy had a break up. Oh, man.

You know. You know who it was. It's so long ago. It's so long ago. Fuck your memories, dude. Do you remember the aggressive back rub I got at the Nils? It was a different student. It was so fucking funny. It was a different student. And this one was not

Mentally challenged? No, no. This is a different down to the breath. This is a field trip. This is the third one we're on. The third one comes later. I like the fact that they're not attacking, but just trying to make a connection. They're like, just you and me, brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The third one comes later in high school. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. This one, I mean, again, there's no ill intent. The one in high school had ill intent. Right. The hump. Yeah.

The hump? No. No ill intent on the hump. Zero ill intent. Okay. What happened in high school? That was Shorty. He would just call me Shorty over and over again because I was short. Yeah. And, you know. But. Was he disabled? Yeah. Oh, yeah. But. And I know you're a little nasty ass truck back one day. No. There's no way you let that slide. You put a bunch of candy under a box with a stick holding it up. No.

Everybody was very nice to me in high school. Yeah. So they're like all the football players. So he was a little jealous. I shouldn't have said the name. Believe it out. Believe that out. But anyway, Gardel.

The one in Manila's had a back rub that just got way too intense. And that had to get broken up too. I'm sorry. Security was called to break up a back rub? The security officer at the school was also like the guy. What were you saying during the back rub?

I was like, oh, that's really sweet. You know? And then it just... And this was where? Manila's Diner. Oh, at the diner. It was like a field trip. I see, I see. And the person was standing behind you? He got pumped. You took a field trip to a diner? With special needs? Yeah. Were you...

Chap running no no I was that was middle school. You're part of the part of the gang. Yeah, no That's beautiful

It is. Damn. So the Madonna dance, was there any dramatic though? Did you ever act in a play or anything like that? And that was, you caught the bug there? Yeah. You knew you had it. Well, I know I enjoyed it. You enjoyed being a showman. Yeah. You did too. Don't act like you don't. I never did anything like that.

If you're a showman, you're a showman. You never did any acting? It's not lame to like to act. No, it's not. We were just having this conversation. I was driving to the show today and I was like, we always sit around and are like, stand-up's actually fucking lame. It's so much better than acting. Acting is lame. Too much waiting around. I agree. Both are good. I like both of them. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I'm saying...

The way comedians, especially podcast comedians, love to be like, fucking stand-up's so stupid. I only do it for money. Yeah. Meanwhile, it's the best job in the world. It's incredible. I had a total turnaround. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. After acting, which is still fine. Acting's fun. I love it. It's fun, and this show fucking rules, obviously. We get to fuck around, and this isn't like other bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we're real lucky on that. But like...

I did when I did the movie, which was fun and I loved it. And please buy it on fucking VOD. I really need you to. But it was so much harder to stand up. We just wake up. Yeah, fucking 12. We do our act. We stay in, especially now where shit's going good. We stay in a nice hotel. You eat like a fucking I'll spend like $40 on breakfast. Just like steak and eggs. Not for long now that we have T2.

Oh, yeah. Price of groceries? You think prices are going down? It's going down, yeah. That's my index. I mean, there's no way they go up. Who fucking knows? I mean, there is, of course, there is a way. We could become Argentina. I guess we don't see. Yeah.

Yeah, it would be nice to... That's my... The steak and eggs metric. The steak and egg matrix. That's how I view fucking... I mean, that's actually a pretty fair, honest metric. Yeah. For real. That's actually the price of eggs. The price of eggs is kind of a decent metric. It's insane, yeah. It's gotten fucking insane. No, but I liked it. It was fun. What? I liked it. I liked the price of eggs going up.

I liked it. It was affecting you? I liked it. It was really hurting your wallet? Was it hurting you? The price of eggs? No, I don't notice. No, of course not. You sound like a liberal elite. I didn't even notice. Keep the prices high. That's never backfired throughout history.

Oh, fuck. The mob's angry about the price of eggs. Yeah. Let them eat cake, Chris. Let them eat cake. Chris was throwing eggs at homeless people on the way over here. Yeah, yeah, that's me. Get a job, you sack of shit. Act on a fucking sitcom. Fuck, that egg was $3. Fuck. Get a writing job on a sitcom, you fucking idiot.

You never, did you do any fucking, any dramatic work, dude? I was like you. I did a little, I did some fucking, I was in the Backstreet Boys in third grade, sang some Backstreet Boys tunes. Nice. What do you mean? At a school talent show. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking, and then, and then, you know, I thought I was the fucking man. I thought I was like, dude, I'm fucking cool as shit. Were you cool in high school or were you kind of like funny? I was funny. No, like funny, like.

Yeah. All right. Yeah. I was like, my school was, it was a magnet school in Baltimore. So everybody was kind of dorks. You know what I mean? So it was kind of easy to be a cool. Yeah. And I played football and I was like the fun. I was maybe the funniest white kid in the school. It's, it was an 85% black school. So it was like just being a funny white boy. Phew.

skyrockets you. You just have to be the funniest white person. You know what I mean? Hey, we're still doing that. All we have to do is be the funniest white. That is true. Black people are way funnier. They are so much funnier, dude. They're killing us. I lost funniest...

funniest like you know person in the school to some guy that just like works at a bank now and he deserved it you know what I mean that's the difference between white people and black people funniness but yeah and then I was in plays but then in 6th grade I was like acting's gay I'm a fucking jock and I tried to be a fucking athlete and I played football I played soccer and football

And then I wrestled. But then obviously I should have stuck. Clearly I should have stuck with fucking acting. Yeah, you're never going to be a soccer star. I was fat as shit. I scored a couple goals. It was one of those like funny like, hey, the fat kids, I did that. And then I just kept getting fatter. So ninth grade, I'm like the fat kid who scored a couple goals. And then 10th grade, they're like, hmm, you're much fatter. You were barely not fatter.

You were barely able to play soccer last year. You know how fat you have to be as a ninth grader? Yeah. Yeah. Even as a child to be like, you can't, you're not going to be able to move. Even with your child body. Your body that can spring back from anything. The amount of McDonald's you're fucking saddling it with. But yeah, dude. And then, so...

That was... And then I played football because the JV soccer coach gave a kid pornography. And they... Kind of ruined the season. And they dissolved our team and they let us play football. Yeah, yeah. Not even in a... I'm trying to fuck it, man. The good news is you can matriculate onto the football team. Boys, we got good news. Can you keep a secret? So you get eligibility.

And you still might get a JV letter. Fellas, they got us. You're going to have to join the black football team. I know you were trying to play the one sport they weren't playing. Two days are in a week. It's going to blow.

Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, it's pretty great. But you were a showman. Oh, I was definitely a showman. Chris. Definitely a showman. Please tell me you tried acting. I never tried acting. I was a stagehand in high school for a play that my girlfriend was in at church. At church? Yeah, yeah. What was the play?

I think it's always that. Bye-bye birdie. It's one of those every time. And yeah, I remember I showed the first night of the play that it was actually showing. I was just working there for weeks. And then I did a ton of mushrooms. Yeah.

And I showed up. Chris is another secret dumb. Chris is a real secret dumb guy. I don't think it's a secret. I don't see Chris in looking intellectuals. The nation's supposed to have a secret, Chris. I'm an idiot. No, Chris was, I guess, I mean, I guess it's been a while.

I always thought you were very, very intelligent. And then you tell me about your life and I'm like, holy shit. But you probably met him when you were even dumber. Yeah. You know what I mean? You guys were young and fucking stupid. Yeah. You know what I mean? Um, which makes sense. I mean, uh,

I think, I don't see, I guess I just don't make a judgment. Chris is definitely smart. I'm not being an asshole. Chris, yeah. Well. Same with Kirby, baby. I have moments, but if you look at the whole picture. Also, academia does not mean you're dumb, obviously, but yeah. But that's awesome that you were, how old were you? How old were you when you did it? When I did this, 16. Yeah. Respect. It's also this, yeah, my story of my whole athletic career is pretty similar. My coaches kept putting me in and be like, this kid's going to be amazing.

And then I'd be bad. Did you just look kind of jacked for a kid? What? No, I just was good. I just played bad. Interesting. I just like, and they would, they would like, I mean, the amount I drove coaches nuts. They would just be like, what is, how do we get through to this kid? What is going on?

I like that problem. It's a lifelong thing of just being like, it doesn't make any sense. Interesting that you're not going to get through.

I remember... Don't even try. The most I can get out of him is angry. That's all I can get. Today, I just went up there and laid on the... He was upstairs in the office. I just came upstairs, laid on the ground. I was like, Kamala sucks. Got a nice 20-minute fight. I wasn't even looking at him. I was staring at the ceiling. I was like, you think Ukraine's going to be like Afghanistan was? I don't think, dude.

I think the withdrawal from Afghanistan was a disaster. Yeah. Fucking guys were hanging off the plane. That was nuts. How did they not? You gotta get a fence up, dude. Don't let bros hang on the plane on the way out. I'm not familiar with the footage. I just remember Vietnam hanging off the plane. Well, that was people on the helicopter grabbing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Afghanistan took off

With hundreds of people underneath a giant plane jumping onto the fucking landing gear. Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah. That sucks. That is a tough moment to be like, I hope this works. I don't know how landing goal to get your phone to. I hope I'm in the right spot. Well, I have better odds of doing this than sticking around. I've seen a lot of these planes never on the ground. They got to get up there somehow.

That's another guy that thinks he's Tom Cruise, dude. That's Tom Cruise doing his own stunts. He was mentioned in Possible. Yeah. Would you do a fucking big-ass stunt, dude? Yes. For enough money? Yeah, sure. I want Tom Cruise to make a very small indie movie at some point and get off the action movie. I think he will. I think he will. Hold on. I'd love to hear this. I want to be... I want a role where I'm like Tom Arnold in True Lies. Hmm.

An action movie, but I'm the guy in the van. Absolutely. I think you will get that. You'll crush that. I don't think I've ever seen that movie. Have you seen True Lies? Yeah. It's fucking good. It's so good. Yeah. I've watched parts of it on like TBS, but I've never gotten through the whole thing. It's a banger. James Cameron, Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's kind of Arnold's last undisputed...

kind of title run you know like defensive is action hero title and then it becomes all this so so stuff but that one is like it's good it's

And it's crazy. It's got like crazy set pieces. Tia Carrera. Tia Carrera. You want to talk about pieces of ass. She had a UPN show that I jacked off. Back to the day we jacked off to. Nice. Was that the lady from Wayne's World? Yes. Okay. Oh, yeah, brother. What's her name? Tia Carrera. She was a real flash in the pan. And then she had a porn star, you know, Asia Carrera. Of course, Asia Carrera. Knock off, obviously. Yeah, yeah. I miss that era. Yeah.

But Asia Carrera was also incredibly beautiful. Yes, she was. Was she incredibly beautiful? Yeah, a lot of them are. Asia Carrera, a lot of them are. That was one of those early... You sound like a pervert knowing their name and describing them as incredibly beautiful. That's what I'm saying. No, because that was one of the early days. Obviously, the whole point is they're beautiful. That's a man that eats and dips, brother. That is. A man that eats and dips called four stars incredibly beautiful. You're going to be like a double dish. What does that mean? You know what I mean.

Sure, I guess I do. But nothing wrong with a little double dip, bro. Sure, right. I think about double dip. What is that? One day you'll get there, Shane. Trust yourself enough to double dip. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, double dip.

You gotta spit on it. I don't know. Once I had a, if I ever had a plan that would fuck my head up so bad. You wouldn't need a plan. It would just feel right in the moment. Right. And you also, and you're playing to her rhythm. Absolutely. Her rhythm. Yes. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

It's not, you don't need to play it. She's going to give you a feedback. I saw that hit you, Shane. I saw that phrase just fucking wallop you in the face. Gerben talking about being in tune with a woman's orgasmic rhythm. Destroyed you, dude. I'm not saying I'm a maestro. You are the maestro. Oh my God. The pussy maestro. You are the pussy maestro. The pussy maestro. The pussy maestro.

And now I'm going to stick it back in. And she enjoyed that. She gyrated. I'm going to get back down and taste her. I'm going to pop back up. She loves it. The Pussy Maestro, dude. That's awesome. Fuck, what were we just talking about? I just had a good day at the Lynx. No! Hey, honey. I hit an 83. Oh, you don't want to? Break out!

Do you have a good one like a special pillow no no oh yes

Oh, wait, you bought a... Ew, dude, you're a fucking sex pillow. He's got a specific proceeding pillow. Yes. No. Oh, the sex pillow to lay on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that one. Respect. I mean, obviously respect. Obviously, obviously this is all respect, but it's so fucking weird that you're a fucking... Gotta get the right angles. Absolutely.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I think you probably got a nice piece on you, but with a little ass dick, you gotta know your angles. I don't have a big penis at all. And, uh, yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, it's... I have... It's not good. It's a reasonable penis. No, you're saying it's bad. Uh,

I would imagine you've got a reasonable judge. Should I just give you sizes? Sure. Well, the length I think is fine. It's like five and a half. That's great. But the girth could use a little juicing. Oh, interesting. Like a bulbous head.

Man, it's not even that bold. Sure. Well, should I not be saying that? I would never ever. Oh, okay. Delete it then. Don't delete it. Keep it in there. I have a very similar penis. Yeah. I wouldn't say it's long. Well, you guys just have a skinny, short, skinny penis. You have a small penis. You have a little elastic. I mean, it's in the same. You guys are describing small penis. You don't know how to tell a lie.

A little below average girth. Terrible girth. Man, I wish you had abs on the way in. The abs on the way in are obviously the view on the way in. There's something so unsettling about hearing that you think that you have a similar penis to mine because now I'm interested to know what your penis looks like. It's what you kind of described, bro. Yeah, I don't have a bulbous head. You got me on the head. You got a bulbous plunger.

You got me on the head, though. I got a... Don't take that too literal. It's that... Bulbous? Yeah, but it just... You got a big, fat head and a stem. I always get a lollipop. How many licks, brother? One, two, three. Damn. So you have a bulbous head and you're lacking in growth.

You're not afraid to break out the wedge. Well, that's how you hit the deep inside of pussy, dude. With a little ass dick, you need the wedge. Dude, I had a tough situation happen where I'm used to not being able to hit it, hit the back of the pussy with my dick, but I was fingering her when she said deeper. And I was just literally backstabbing. And it's like, lady, what do you want me to do? It's all the time. Yeah.

I usually get that. Like asking for two fingers. I physically can't. Oh, damn. You just got to get one. Yeah. What if we got you a splint? What if we got you a pussy fingering splint? Oh, that's where you break out the toys. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Inspector Gadget. You know. The pussy maestro. He brings out the lector and the thing they used to fucking...

So you have a wedge and an array of toys. Yeah, and I wear a belt and I keep the toys on. No. I was about to believe you. And that was going to make me so happy. Yeah. If you get a belt that was both like kept your form right. Carpenter with a pencil in the air. It folds out. You truly are the maestro. Not the maestro. I'm not saying. I'm sorry to do this to you. How many toys are we talking here?

I just had to take a second to take inventory. I do that. Let's do that. But no, let's not because we're at time. But I also just want to say for the record, I just want to say for the record, I'm not claiming to be like, you know,

sexual dynamo. Of course you're not. You're a humble guy, but we, your friends, are reading. We're taking what you're saying and we get paid to analyze things for a living. You're the pussy maestro. It's exciting to be your friend. And you're the pussy maestro. I think we're all in agreement, right? If I actually thought it was bad, I wouldn't

Fucking film it. It's awesome. It's great that you do this, but could you answer the question of how many toys? I think, well, if we're talking, is the pillow count on this one? No. Oh. They're probably three. Oh, that's nothing. Good. What do we got?

Yeah. You got to get a vibe in the mix. Obviously vibes. Yeah. If you got a girlfriend, it's weird to be a single guy and have toys. Like I can't just fucking bust out toys. Be like, yeah. No, that's a mother. She was on this. Right. You put them in the dishwasher.

No, you have to buy new ones. You put them in Barbasol. That's got to be sad, though. Throwing them out. Throwing them out. You just throw it out. Say goodbye. Say goodbye to the pussy pie. It's like a real totem of the relationship. You toss the fucking vibe. Yeah. You get rid of them. Yeah. And you go purchase new ones on the internet. Yeah. I've never used one. Never? Really? No. Really? It's a...

It's not bad. It's pretty awesome. It's like a Gundam suit. I can't. I just can't. I can't. Oh, what? It's like a Gundam suit. What's that? It's like when you fucking... You know what I mean? Like a blaster on your arm. You just blast the pussy. I did that. Yeah. You're lucky I gave you that orgasm.

That's what bothers me about it. I'm just like, what is... Nah, nah. You can't look at his competition. No! It's an enhancement. Yeah. It's like putting a sight on a sniper rifle, dude. You know what I mean? It's like it helps you. Talk to her?

Yes, feel her rhythms. Oh, Jesus. Feel her rhythms. I know. It is fucking gross. I'm sorry, man.

Yeah, because in that moment, how do you not go, I should be doing anything else? I should be learning to play guitar. Because you're the biggest friend of one of us. What are you talking about? Once you bring tools in, while I'm playing guitar, I would go, I should be fucking getting pussy. That's why people are playing guitar. Yeah, absolutely. Everything you do is for pussy. That's the whole of mankind. Boiled down, it pretty much is. You're not wrong. Explain asexuals.

Oh, fuck. You got me there. I thought Mr. fucking Open. You got me there. Mr. Liberal Open Man. How do you explain the non-binary no-sex people? I guess they don't really accomplish that much. Is that what you're saying? I think they're just probably watching anime. They don't accomplish too much. Yeah, I just think they don't. I think that's fair, honestly. I didn't think you were going to give a real response.

a totally correct answer. I think they're not doing shit. They're just hanging out in their bedroom playing fucking Stardew Valley. You know what I mean? Yeah, a lot of it has to be like that. I think I might be asexual. That sounds like my day. Yeah, you're like... You're ace curious, dude. I've seen some of your gaming sessions. Yeah, it's close. It's close to shutting out the world. Yeah, girlfriend there just kind of hanging around. Girlfriend needs to watch Manchester United rebuild.

This is the group stage of Champions League. There's no time for us to talk. I did already secure the group. I'm trying to get young guys some playing time here. That I do love. That's my favorite thing in the world. Yeah, it's exciting stuff. Making your girlfriend watch video games? No, just I do love building a team. Oh, yeah. Franchise mode is so good. It is.

And it's scouting and getting the young guys up for whatever reason. It's really enjoyable. It feels great. Yeah. It's because we get to relive how good potential feels. Yeah. It feels so much better. You're going to be a kid again. Potential. Potential is so much better than doing shit. We're doing shit now, and it's cool, but it's not as cool as being 20 and being like, someday I'm going to do shit. Yeah.

Yeah. That was awesome. I don't know. The open mic days where you're drunk as fuck and just like, you know what I mean? Like hanging out. Yeah, those were... And even through that video game, you get the feeling of like, you just listen to me, dude. You're going to be great. Yeah. Right, right, right, right. You're really talking to yourself in middle school, but you get a bunch, you get eight avatars of who you could have been. And you're like...

If I get these guys, then maybe I would... Maybe I did get pussy. I'm going to put you in the right situation. Yeah. You're not a quarterback. I feel... Moving you to wide out this season. Yeah.

Stick with the program. Those who stay will be champions. Trust me. What your brain fills in, you're just pressing two buttons, and in your head, you're calling over youth to sit at your desk and have this conversation. You're going through the conversation. If those games added a practice mode, that's all I would do as a coach.

all the end line it's real guys and fucking god damn we literally just need to have families we just need to have children dude yeah of course McKeever hit me with that one I was in Austin and I was like I'm fucking drinking this is a he's like bro I don't mean this like mean you just gotta have a family dude and I was like

You're such a good dad. Thanks, man. Unless he looks like you. Fuck, dude. You're like, where'd that wedge come from, honey? My son might be a Gerby. Nothing wrong with that. Straight Gerby baby. You'd be lucky to have a Gerby. I've loved having a sweet Gerby in my life. Just keep taking wedge blocks and putting dolls over it. You know I love you. Yeah, I love you too. What are you talking about? Earlier today you said I didn't like you.

Well, first of all, you're like, oh, you're not my friend. It's like, I love you so much. I actually said you're not my friend. And then he was like, yeah, I'm your friend. I was like, you want to watch Thursday Night Football? And then he was like, I'm busy. No, I didn't say I'm busy. I was like, tired. Here we are. We did figure out a good way to get him over here. And I'm pumped to be hanging out with the boys tonight. Did you? I feel like very, like...

I know it's in the show, but you feel like family. But I think it's also for everything you've done for me. Yeah, you are my family, bro. That's fucking beautiful, man. I still don't want to go to a bar tonight. We're definitely not going to a bar. No one's going to a bar. We're not going to a bar. I'm going to go home and make chicken.

Let me say that again. We could order some pizza. There you go. You can make chicken. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. And then, I think all this talk about pillows and wedges. Uh-oh. No, no, that's a no. How long does it take to make the chicken? Put it in the oven, you go 20 minutes. We've got 20 minutes. That's a no.

Uh-oh, I look at my watch. What do you mean, no sex tonight? Wedge o'clock. Why not? I'm exhausted. Really? Yeah. You need to be prompt. Exactly. A real pussy fiend. True. That's because he loves the pussy. He can't do it halfway. I'll get a fucking sideways leg.

We're going to just lay still and then we go, let's just stay still for a second. Yeah. Actually, I'm not going to come. Why don't I just beat off while I feel your tits? This man's never done that. I've done that hundreds of times. Getting hit with a no on that though. That's really tough. You guys all done? I've never done that once. Great stuff.

I mean, as a... I'm fat as shit, obviously. I mean, you know, I'm so fat that you could even say you're not fat around me, Shane, and it wouldn't be that wild. You know what I mean? Yeah, you look good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have... And this is... I'm actually not as fat as I've been, which is crazy. Like, there was a year in my life where I was so fat and unhealthy, and I fucked a lot because it was like, you know, pathological. There was a lot of jacking off your fucking half-limp dick. Mm-hmm.

In those. But, you know, I'm in there. I'm eating the pussy. You know what I mean? I'm going Gerby's on the pussy. I'm eating it like, you know, like it's Froot Loops. And so they'll reward me with a jack off while I suck on a titty. I am excited for you that you enjoy pleasure. Yeah. You love giving pleasure. Yeah. Is there, how often does the woman not orgasm when you're down there or working with your tools or using your tools? I don't like tools. Yeah.

It really, I mean, I would say it depends on the woman. Of course it depends on the woman. What's your batting average? Well, it also, it's like cycle dependent. Oh no! You know the menstrual cycle? That's awesome. Hey, you just met right now.

Matt knows. You just honestly pushed past me, dude. We were neck and neck this whole time in terms of freak. The Warriors guy freaking. That's awesome, dude. You've never heard anything like it. You're psycho. I have to go. Hold on. Explain to me when in the cycle. No, I want to learn because I don't know this at all. I haven't even considered this. Oh, well, every woman's different, but I think like I heard McCusker talking about it and I have a similar experience. Matt's the man. Which is like. Yeah, Matt's the man.

A couple days after the period. Now, again, this is like... Ovulation, peak ovulation. No, no, no. Peak ovulation, I think, is like halfway through the cycle. Oh, fuck. I would assume they're the hornies when they're ovulating. Assuming non-birth control. That was like his point. Assuming non-birth control. It depends on when in the cycle. Yeah. Again, though, back to what's your batting average on the lady coming? Probably...

80%? Holy shit. Beautiful numbers, man. Beautiful numbers. Insane numbers. Yeah. I don't think so. Oh, trust me. But it's also the partner. It's also the partner. 147. This man's playing single A. He better be good at fielding. That's all I'm saying. I'm way below the Mendoza. That's crazy. 80% company. But it's not. But he's also fucked that many women. They've been partners, is what he's saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Perfectly said. Even in a partnership, we're starting to get down. It's pretty good at first. Interesting. A little slump going. We'll get out of this. We'll hit our way out of this. Just keep swinging, brother. Yeah, I'm a playoff Aaron Judge. I'm fucking crazy. More of a glue guy. Yeah, locker room guy. I'm fucking crazy.

80% respect. What do you think? Stop. What are you thinking? I mean, these numbers are crazy. Again, incredible numbers. 50-50, I'd be happy. Again, not with a ton of women in my life. In my experience, if you get the awesomest thing is when a woman just busts easy and you can tell yourself, like, I did that. And then you fuck somebody who's like...

I don't know, man. It takes a while to get there. Yeah, yeah. You know? These numbers are truly... You're a fucking savant. The Pussy Moe Show... But he is a maestro. He's scientific about it. Yeah. The moniker is earned...

Yeah. Throughout this conversation. For five different reasons. I want merch, dude. I want Pussy Maestro merch. I just don't want this to come off like I'm a blowhard. Do you know that that was the first, like the name he gave me, the Gruul King? No, I didn't know that. Do you know what Gruul is?

I'm guessing. No one knows what a gruel is. It's disgusting. It was a fetish that I had for a little bit. No, I'm leaving it on this. It's a fetish that every dude on earth has. But then Chris lost a very funny last time. A wet pussy? Wait a second. You said that's a fetish you have? It's a wet pussy. Well, no, I mean, he was searching the wet pussy. Oh, hang on, Nick.

medical emergency. No, there's a viscosity element to it. Like Nickelodeon Gak. He needs to slime pussy. He needs slime to come out of that pussy. He's on the fucking billow.

Chris said it very funny because then I restarted, you know, and that is typically indicative of ovulation. So it's less what I thought it was, which is being extremely turned off. But there's a subreddit, Rgrul, and so he started calling me the Grul King, and then he was like, Grul King. People have drawn paintings. What's his name? We should give a shout out. He's so good. Um,

Oh, man, I'm so sorry to the guy who's listening to this who really deserves a shout out. Sure. Please stop listening. It's also so funny to be talking about his artwork like that and just being like, no, it's beautiful. What is he drawing? Wet pussy? No, no, no. It was kind of like a Hunter S. Thompson artwork style. And your mouth is glistening? No, no, no. He's got class. He just put a crown. He's just caught in a web of drool.

Anyways! The little gruel fly about to die. You are a gruel fly, dude. I mean this with all due respect. Your spirit animal would definitely be a fly.

Shane was saying, like when Netflix, you know, they would start to see comments. It was like, girl, okay, girl, okay. And he's like, executives, everybody work that out. He's like, what is this? Oh, they like him. What do we do? Yes, it's an acronym. Yeah.

The Pussy Maestro Gruel King. Pussy Maestro Gruel King. I'll be breaking out his tools. The woman must know she's in for a treat. Oh, yeah. Yep. No, no. The toys in there. It's like a first date thing. Yeah. Got a nozzle back there. She's just, she's batteries charging when she walks in. The room's lit up with more charging devices. The LED, yeah. Oh, I'll tell you one thing. Hold on, he's about to tell us something. No, we're not going to go. All right. Relax. Red lights. We're having a good time. I love red lights.

Interesting. In the house, like the light bulb or during sex? During sex. Oh, classic. You get Phillips Hue and you make them red and it's just... You really are a freak, dude. Have you done it? I've definitely fucked under some red light conditions, but... That the girl had at her fucking... I have a Phillips Hue as well, actually. Oh, really? I do have the lights that turn colors. You can make them whatever color you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just adding so much pressure. Chinatown. That's just like... And that's all right. It's just what it's called on the app. Just fucking... You can just walk

Losing a boner in red light. Well, that's whorehouse coded, though. That's like what at a bordello, they would have red lights. That was a classic. That's how you knew it was a whorehouse back in the day. You may be Nosferatu. That is very vampiric of you. Dude, I did. The red lights in there. And you know what? I had a hunch you were a fucking pussy fiend, but I didn't know. I'm not a fiend. You are. You are, dude. It's awesome. That's a positive. It is good. Yeah. But this is some intense stuff. Red lights, no.

Toys fucking wedge the muff gremlin you are the monster

Check out Let's Start a Cult on VOD November 12th. Please rent it. We could really use it. And check out Kyle Hamilton at Safety. That's where we align. Notre Dame and Ravens. Ben Noy came and did a spot at my show in Baltimore. Zibikowski was on the Ravens. Zibby was on the Ravens. They always get Notre Dame boys. Ryan Stanley at tackle. Although, you know, he's been better recently.

Shout out to Ronnie. My boy can show up for a minute. But yeah, and you can catch Steve on his knees on a pillow. Yes, sir. Worshipping. Take me to church, I'll worship. You love it. That's the song. That you have sex to? No. That story from last year. What? I don't want to say it, but... Wait, tell me the story. No, because it's your...

We might be able to delete this. Oh, remember the experience that you had with the lady? Yes. That was the song that you were singing when you were alive. That's hilarious. Remember I told you? Yes. That's really, really funny. Fill me in after post-recording. Yeah, for sure. That's awesome. That's awesome. All right. Well, thank you. Thanks, everyone. Go eat pussy, Gerben style.