Ep 514 - Back Together Yay (feat. WARMODE)
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Heads up, we started. What's up, guys? What up? Dude, you guys have no idea what it's like looking back on this from Texas. Just trying to crawl through my computer screen. Come on! Let me through! We needed you here. The brother ship has not been strong. The bro ship's been... What's up with the bro ship? I never even hang out with these guys. We took a hit. Bro. What happened to the bro ship? What's that? What happened to the bro ship? What?

Well, personally, I want to get wings, but this has been like for like three days. Shane literally said he wanted to call you yesterday. For three days. Dude, for three days, I've had this weird thing where all I think about in my head is like, I should go get wings. And I've like gained like 20 pounds in like three weeks. I gained weight pretty quickly, dude. I got one like, you know, the Philadelphia hoagies that are on like Sarkozy rolls. I got one of those. You're only supposed to eat half of that.

And then I was like, dude, after like 45 minutes, I was like, I'll just finish it. What are you doing after the pot? We're getting wings. We're getting wings. All right. Why don't we have wings and brewskis near helium? Yeah, sure. Yeah, that's fine. I'll be. Dude, we went to a restaurant. Massive L's. We went to a restaurant to go get wings. The first one was closed. No, it was open.

It was fucking... It opens at 4. We got there at 4.15. What the fuck? They were like, we're not ready yet? Dude, it was a fucking graveyard. And then just one day, walked out. It was like, hey, y'all's kitchen doesn't open for another hour. They got you. Yeah. I was like... Why do they all say y'all, too, by the way? Me and Spade were literally just talking about this. They say y'all and cheers. Yeah. The cheers in Fishtown makes me want to kill myself. Then we went to a place that I thought for sure would have wings. Cheers, guys. But then they changed their menu up. Give me a call.

They change your menu up to like real fancy shit. Like Bill got croquettes. Yeah. They're tater tots, bro. I got the hash browns from Dunkin' Donuts. Three of them for $11. $11. Three. They fucked me. Ah. And then I got in a car accident yesterday. What? Russian. Bill's my counsel. I probably shouldn't speak on it. Yeah, please. The case is still. I wanted to wear a suit. He's taking litigation.

I was just like, fuck, I guess it's my fault. And then Bill's like, fuck this. Bill's like, fuck this. You got attacked by a domestic terrorist? I got hit with a Russian Lyft driver.

Honestly, counsel, can I speak? Yeah, you can talk about it. You had an Israeli witness too. Not him. I was banging a right in a one lane street and the guy hit the back of me. How is it not my fault? It's not your fault. It is my fault. No, if you get hit from behind, it's not your fault. See, this is why I can't talk. If you get hit from behind your car, it's not your fault. That's why people pull in front of you and jam their brakes. Exactly right.

Bill? Exactly right. You're innocent. Spade got hit with one save our person. He goes, well, it's your fault. He goes, okay, I guess it's my fault. No, it's not. They were like, are you ready to begin the recording? I was like, uh...

They got him to make him or make him murder or whatever. Did you agree to it? I don't know. Did you agree? Yeah, I didn't even. Nah, bro. Yeah, see, I fucked up. You need to get your lawyer. You need to call C-Breezy. Call some dogs. Dude, Bill went to the gym and then he went to the crime scene and videotaped it and sent it to State Farm. That's a good lawyer. They don't know. Call C-Breezy, dude. And then you harassed me on the street. Yeah, I harassed you. After you knocked the case down? You cannot harass me.

Also, I have good litigation against you. You ran a red light. I did. Dude, I made the biggest scene. Ran a red light while honking my horn, screaming, I was just carrying my coffees. I was just being a good guy. You're going to ruin your plausibility to represent. Mad? Mad.

You lost your plausibility. How? You ran a red light and I got it. It has nothing to do with the case. If you want to take me to court for running that red light, we can handle that. Did you run that red light? Because you already said you ran it. You said you ran it. Allegedly running a red light. No, you said it already. You literally said you did. This has nothing to do with the case. Don't talk about this. I have to stay with my current counsel. What's the tort situation? What's the current tort? I don't know. I learned about that junior year of high school. I don't remember the tort. We got to check into the torts.

Dude, I had a guy. I got just crashed. Some lady just nailed me. Pause. Well, I'll take it. Let me play. Some lady just nailed my car. She had no insurance. And I had like the worst of the worst insurance. And I called a lawyer. He's like, I checked the torts. He's like, they're just going to write you a check for $3,500. I remember this, dude. This was when your car was beached for like a year. Yeah, man. That was crazy. Did I ever tell you the whole situation with that? What? This is a crazy story. Dude, so the lady...

Just nailed my car, fucked me up, airbags deployed. Oh, I forgot about that. Came out, dude. Came out of it like, I got to get the license plate. Yeah, totaled my Civic.

Came out, got the license plate off the lady. When was this? This was like 2017. You guys were doing the podcast. You might have got CTE. I did, dude. I didn't sleep after that. Dude, I didn't sleep for real for four days and I wasn't tired. It was TBI, dude. Yeah, it fucked me up pretty badly.

And if that still stands, maybe get monetary. Dude, like, so. Did you become retarded from a car accident? Call Billy. I'm going to put it, get a billboard with Bill on it. But dude, the whole story is kind of nuts because I, I got her, I got her license plate. I got her license plate. So I use my police contacts. You're more in the law. I'm more into like the behind of the shield. Right. So I use my police contacts. I got her address.

And an officer I knew at the time, that's literally illegal. So as your counsel, stop talking about that. You found her name. Tell you the whole story. But that's literally against the law. You can't, you can do the police can do that. Can they comedy podcast that please can't do that for a friend.

Well, what about a lover? It's abuse of power. Is it abuse of power? You know these comedians make up stories. I can't tell the rest of the story. The rest of the story is way more of abuse of power. What'd you do?

I got to go. Okay. So let's say the story story legend has it. I heard of somebody who did this story time. Y'all went to the house. We went to the house and it was in not the best neighborhood. So I just, I didn't want to get recognized. So I just got to like sit there and chill while someone I knew who, you know, whatever went up to the door, knocked up and was like, yo, where's in the person like, Oh, they're not here. They're not here. Blah, blah, blah. And they're like, look, man, am I, we just want to like, you know, there was a hit and run as a serious incident.

Just, they should do the right thing. And they went actually, and they ended up did like going and turn themselves in. They didn't get any trouble. I didn't press charges. But then later on, the person who hit me called my police contact and literally told, they're like, officer, officer, my daughter suffered a terrible thing. Somebody videotaped her sucking their dick and put it on Facebook. What can we do? And they were like, I can't help you. I don't know what to do. What the fuck? Yeah. I don't know.

Karma's a bitch, y'all. That's all I'm saying. Karma's a bitch. Yeah, it was bad. I actually felt bad. You were probably like, we should probably review the tape. I said, I was like, you make us whole. You give me that tape and we're even. Pound of flesh. Shit. That's all fictional. That's just street justice. Yeah.

I gotta stop drinking water right into the microphone. I'm sorry, y'all. I'm sorry, y'all. No, cheers. I got CTs, bro. I got hit. Dude, the airbag deployed. And by the way, there was a scratch off your face. Brother, most people would hit my forearm. I was quicker than the airbag. Swear to God. It came at me and I went like that. And it scuffed my forearm. Not lying. That's super huge, bro.

Yeah, it wasn't in the air. You were probably covering up for the accident. No, it was... Did you see the accident coming? Dude, I saw the lady pull it out. I was listening to... Fuck, what was the song? It's probably rapping. It's going to be so funny. The what? Whatever song it was. Any song you're listening to, if you get in a car accident, it's so funny. Oh, my God. Let me find the... Fuck, it's by like...

It's not like Jane's Addiction. I think it's Jane's Addiction. I just put Rooster in your head earlier. Getting an accent to Rooster would be sick. Yeah, what? Allison Chains is sick. Dude, let me see if I can find this because it's like...

It was kind of embarrassing. So I'll listen to it every now and again, and I'm like... Damn, that was a serious accident. I didn't know how bad it was. Dude, my airbag deployed, and I remember I saw the car. I was like, fuck, hit it. It hurt like fuck. What? It probably hurt having your arm jammed into your face. Dude, it fucking hurt like hell. I lost consciousness. I was out, and I came to, and I was just like, what the fuck, and just saw that car and was like, bitch. You could have become a paraplegic, bro.

This is true. Did your airbag deploy in your car accident with the tractor trailer when you were trying to get your game?

No. You just went under? Yeah. Damn, that's scary. Then he kept driving. It was so scary. He kept driving. Wait, what happened? During COVID. Remember Shane during COVID took his dad or mom's car? I borrowed my mom's car to go to Best Buy to buy a Jeep. You went into a tractor trailer? All right. Look, I needed my NCAA. I needed an HDMI cord for the Xbox 360. I was like, Mom, can I please borrow the CRV to take to Best Buy to buy this cord? Yeah.

I pulled into right lane. I pulled into a returning right lane. A tractor trailer was making a legal right turn for the record. It's the opposite of space. Literally a sign out that says no right turn. The tractor trailer didn't see me pull up next to him and just slowly turned. So I just watched the trailer. The trailer just, I was like, yo, yo. I just watched it hit me. And then he kept driving. He couldn't see me. So I was like, oh shit, I'm under your truck. The wheels were right next to the door.

That could have been the end of you, bro. No, it would have been a real slow death. I would have been too lazy. I was just kind of like, oh, here it comes. So then I drove the car home and I was like, dad, can I borrow your car? I immediately got my dad's car and drove to the best part. I needed dubs. That's all you could do. I was thinking about getting a gaming system yesterday. I was watching Call of Duty videos. I was like, I'm really missing out on this. You're going to be furious. I'm really missing out on this. You're going to be furious. The new games...

They're hard. They're now they're just woke. Oh, yeah, they're rewriting World War two. Yeah, did you? Did you guys watch Drag? Did you watch Dragons House or House of Dragons? Many such cases. What? You watch House of Dragons yet? No. That's kick ass feminist Game of Thrones. It was good for a while. And they got rid of all the dicks for some reason. There's no dicks. Pussy.

Barely any pussy. Two girls kiss. Finally. It takes like the second season. Oh, dude, I was watching that and Brittany was like, no, no. And I was like, yes, here it comes. This is so unnecessary. I was like, this makes sense, man. This is fine. Medieval times. These girls. That was back then. Medieval times. It's the queen. Like just making out with like a old prostitute. Well, they used to do that. Yeah, true.

It's historically accurate. It is. No, it is. That it's all about like men being dumb and women. It's about men just being like dumb and women being like, let's really change history. Yeah. What happens at the end? It slowly morphs into, I haven't gotten to the end yet. Everything fall apart. I haven't seen the end. I haven't seen the end. A woman gets a dragon and burns down the entire city. Yeah. Yeah, probably. That's how the last one ended. Yeah. It's fucking bull. Did you see the whole thing? I watched the original Game of Thrones. Me too. Yeah. That was good. RR is pissed.

I saw that. Yeah, I didn't see what he said. He said he was going to and then I never followed. I never watched it. Him and J.R. Rowling should team up. J.K. Rowling? J.K., my bad. C.T.'s. Him and J.K. Rowling should team up. That'd be nice. Just write the ultimate...

book the ultimate straight magic book just straight as fuck no trans now fucking um what's it called game of thrones does nothing on true detective season four whatever night country is that was tough just drafted a wide receiver my wide receiver in my fantasy leagues hurts you think they would stop after that did you watch it yes i i had i want to watch it till the end i watched like the first four episodes it was just them being like come in my

pussy. Yeah, the dude's in the tub. Why don't you toss one of your kumloogies in my pussy? The one dude's like huge sitting in a tub like, where are you going to leave? I'll come back for my toothbrush, brother. That was, that, to be fair, I'm not trying to sound real gay, that was kind of turning me on watching him sub it.

Watching that guy sub that hard was kind of turning me on. Wait, wait. When the Native American lady was riding him? Yeah, yeah. Are we all going to pretend that wasn't happening? Forrest Cump. Yeah. Yeah, but when he would lay in like silk sheets and be like, where are you going? Come on, man. Silk sheet, just use. Bro, you're subbing so hard. Wait, come back. I need somebody. Oh, man.

You're going out of your dangerous night shift job? Yeah, I remember she took her toothbrush and rolled like it was some powerful thing. Yeah. I'm not ready for this commitment. That's enough of that. Yeah, I mean... Then when she gets the DUI, then when she pulls the drug driver out, get out of the car, you piece of shit. It literally sounded like South Park. It was so fucking dumb. I just watched Silence of the Lambs, too. To see her go from that to that, it's like fucked up.

It's crazy they're trying to compare Long Legs to Silence of the Lambs. No, no, no, no. Very close. Long Legs. I was pumped for that. You guys know me. I love a good spooky movie. Yeah, you do. I was fucked in the ass on that movie. Are you serious? Yeah, I watched it. They're like 25 bucks, too. I couldn't believe that movie.

What was up with him? Dude, I'm just trying to watch flicks. Right, I hear you, dude. I hit 20 on the mule. The mule, Clint Eastwood. Dude, have you ever seen The Perfect World? It's a good-ass Clint Eastwood movie. That's next on my list.

I watched a good Churchill one last night. Dude, if you have Amazon, you're fucking money. They have every movie ever. They really do. Yeah. Amazon kind of does crush it, and they're like 12 bucks. Twister's is still holding it number one. Twister sucks. Twister's. It's number one on Amazon? Oh, the new Twister? Yeah.

What happened to it? Did like ladies block the tornado? A lady can just, she uses her fucking feminine intuition. She can tell which way tornadoes. Beautiful piano music. You're being serious. Swear to God. She tricks all the dudes to while she's doing it. She's like, it's over there, dude.

Just so she could, why are the dudes going to like turn it into a global disaster? They're storm chasers. It's a culture. Can we have something, bro? It's just their piggish nature. Just men's piggish nature. We need women to step in. Yeah. Kamala's going to do it. Supposedly that her hitting on things is a fucking lie. Yeah, I know. I believe that. Because twisters. Kamala's a bitch. Dude, I'm just saying, they came out with a thing saying that she got in a hit and run in San Francisco and they're saying it's Russian disinfo. That automatically makes me think it's true.

She got a hit and run and what? In 2011 in San Francisco. She killed someone and drove away. I don't think so. It's not real. That was Biden's brother who did that. Biden's brother killed someone I think down in Florida or something and got away. Frank Biden. Frank Biden, yeah. Did he really? Yeah, 100%. Hunter just pleaded guilty to fucking... Gats, you had that thing on him. No, he pleaded tax evasion. What? Yeah. Is he going to go to jail? 17 years, but you know. How the fuck do you tax evade when your dad's the president? Why? Just be like, Dad, can you erase my taxes please? Yeah.

True. I didn't think of that. What was he? Yeah. Who knows, man? That's crazy.

Although he was smoking crack for a while, so I could see him not having... Tax evasion is the least of a guy on crack's ways. Yeah. Your life's a fog. You're never like, oh, I gotta pay taxes. To be fair, it's probably really hard to pay taxes when you're actively addicted to crack. You're just kind of like, well, I gotta set aside 20% for the government or whatever. He was like losing Porsches places. He'd park in a parking garage and then be on crack and then go to California and have no idea where his car is. Yeah, he flipped a car. Remember that? He flipped a car. Dude, where's my car?

On crack. Yeah, man, I really hope she doesn't win. Yo, he's...

Waltz is mentally. Yeah, dude. Damn, that sucks. Everyone's making fun of him. That kid, that was so nice. They were zooming in on him and all that shit. Everyone was making fun of him. Everyone. Cause he was like crying. He was like, and he was crying. Probably told that someone's screaming. That's my dad at that age is probably mentally retarded. Yeah. Well, there was a video of him kind of like, she's a bit of him talking to me. And like, dude, the video walls, it's not so beautiful. Once you watch his head,

Nah, dude. I thought he was going to hit his head on something. That's like a pissed off ad. No, he was on a fucking stage. Yeah, I know. There was some, like, a thing hanging down. That's what I heard it was. From the liberals? From the liberal elite globalists? No, I think it might have been from Joey Rogues. Really? He yanked his... Yanked the fuck out of him. Saved his kid. I think everybody owes that boy an apology for making fun of him. I know people were making fun of him. Yeah, he was... It was funny. That's dastardly, dude.

They were memeing him next to Kyle Rittenhouse, the two of them crying. Yeah, I bet they are. I get memed next to that all the time. I support these bros. Yeah, they're on an all out assault. Baron. Baron mogs that kid. Did you see Baron playing soccer, dude? He's got feet. He's good. He's beat a crap champ. He's fucking like 6'9".

Yeah. I have not contacted you yet. Baron. Baron. Yeah. I wish Baron would contact me. Guys, you've got to get Trump on. What are you doing with us? Everyone's getting Trump on right now. We could. We could. Yeah, it's...

I want to get Kamala Harris. I want Kamala, bro. If we were her first actual interview. That would be the funniest shit in the world. She won't do an interview. She'll only do MSN. She should sit down and do like an actual like two hour. She's doing one where she sits down with. CNN was trash. Tim Walz is going to do it with her. CNN was trash. Yeah, she did that on CNN. That shit with the white guy tacos pissed me off. Yeah.

Which one? She's like, oh, you guys have white guy tacos. What is it? Like no seasoning? Bro. She hit the no seasoning joke? Yeah. Bro. And then she's like, what is that? Tuna fish and mayonnaise? It's like, bro, that's not a taco anyway, bro. Yeah. I could say nasty things about you. She's making fun of white people? Yeah, it's obvious. She's trying. It's open season.

Double season all the walls. We're fucked, dude. White dudes, specifically. No, it's not. She was, she led the fucking, she was part of the, you know, the people that put 40% of black-end businesses out of business during COVID, so. Yeah, she was. You know? Too much seasoning. Ed Walls.

Walls was involved in a $250 million scheme of stealing money for COVID. Are you serious? He was only an assistant coach. No, no, no. Wait, was he a head coach? No, neither. Because he had a DUI because he's a drunk. He legally cannot be a coach. Literally, he might be Phil Gillis. He might be Phil and I might be the boy. He can't.

In a parallel universe. I found out he was a volunteer assistant coach. Volunteer assistant coach. That's my dad. He cannot be an actual coach because of his felony on his record. What did he catch in that one? He was going 96 in like a 30. He was fucking hammered. It's Timmy Walsh, bro.

He could do it every once, but yeah, he did that. And then the only other person I know that was like an assistant like that is Larry Nassar. Larry Nassar was an assistant massage therapist for children. Why are you comparing him to Larry Nassar? Because I think Tim Walz is a pedophile as a joke. Oh, okay. A lot of those guys come back from Afghanistan, dude, and they're just not used to speed limits and stuff. True. Oh, yeah, he was in Afghanistan. Long time. Seasoned veteran over there. Definitely didn't completely run once they actually went to war. Yeah.

I don't know anything about the man. He said he was a veteran. And he did it? He claimed he held weapons of war in war. And then he said he misspoke. Oh! Yeah, that's what that's about. He stole Valor? He stole Valor. He also stole head coach Valor, which is way worse. You can't say you're the head ball coach. Don't fuck around with that. He's a pep talk guy. He's been caught fibbing? A million times. I mean, he claims he does pep talks, but what assistant coach does that?

Yeah, that's head coach. Unpaid assistant coach. Dude, you've seen them. Unpaid pep talk. By the way, I tried to give a pep talk this weekend. How great was it? It's impossible. Where'd you give the pep talk? In Notre Dame's locker room after the win. Holy shit, dude. That's the perfect stage for the pep talk. I thought so. The lights were too bright. Did you see Yak give a pep talk? No. Kodak Black gave a pep talk to a bunch of kids. It was pretty great. What did you say?

Come on, man. It's locker room talk. That's all fair, bro. And then they all jumped around me and tried to make me dance. Did you? I did the same autistic dance I did at the Zach Bryan thing. I don't know what happens. Hone it in, bro. I don't know what happens. Trump has his dance. You're just giving it to your dance. You gotta own it. It's a good dance.

It's tough. Locker room speech is really hard. I thought I had one in me. You were a captain at one point, though. Yeah. So you've done it before. Let's post when. You might be more for adversity. I also felt like a weirdo. Sure. I felt like a fucking loser being in there. Why? I don't know.

I mean, dude, it's insane. It's everything you've ever wanted. Yeah. Now you get a little older. You go, what the fuck am I doing? Children. They're like, good guys. Good game. I forgot how young they are. They're so young. They're just kids. Yeah. And then they, you know, I was watching that Steve McNair thing and Bill's like, why do all the football players go to Dave and Buster? So I'm like, dude, they're like 20. Yeah.

It'd be funny if you just turned on him and you're like, what the fuck's your problem, dude? Fuck you, dude. After the speech, taking pictures and stuff, then, you know, he's locking her in. Boys start...

Disrobed. Disrobed. I just watched a homeless guy disrobe on Spring Garden Street and wipe his ass. He had like a nub too, dude. I felt bad for him. I saw a guy peeing on the way here actually. Nubbed out. It's power. It is powerful. What about a nub in public is insanity. It's crazy. The locker room also had like office lighting. It was so bright. The nubs were out. See the wrinkles and dude's dicks and shit? I wasn't looking. Eyes up.

Me and my father had to get the fuck out of there. Phil was in there with him? Phil was in there with me. Did he cry? No. Damn. He was a little grumpy bitch this trip. Why? I don't know. He was good during the game, but when he got to my house in Philly, he was like, this place is empty. Ah, yeah, yeah. Like shit like that. I was like, all right, man. He probably wants grandkids. Out of you. He has fucking way too many grandkids. Yeah, he probably wants them out of you. Yeah. His only begotten son. He's going to have to hurry up. I'm going to have to hurry up because...

Don't tell me that, bro. I was worried about the words. We were in the Texas heat. Words are spells. You sent that to me, bro. We were tailgating in the Texas heat. I was like, Phil, are you good? He's like, yeah, I'm fine. He's dark red. I was like, dude, sit down. 90% blockage. Oh, my God. That would be a heavenly way to exit. My dad had the same shit. I was hoping he might have died during the postgame. Yeah. Just in the locker. In Philadelphia. Buried amongst the nubs. Amongst the no-name Irish nubs. Just dead. Buried under the stadium. Yeah, just let him die. Leave him.

That'd be kind of nice. Leave him for the next team. That'd be kind of nice. Leave him in Aggieland. Leave him in Texas A&M's locker room. Why was he fucking harsh on the vibe in your house? He was... Well, it was also we had a flight that day. Was he player-hating or was it like... He was player-hating. Shit. He had a PhD. He was...

It was just the flight. It was the old man versus flight dilemma. It is 1230. We got to get moving. And then I'm like, all right, the car series. I got to take a shit. I told her, I was like, you can't. Yeah. Nope. No flight shits. Dude, I did it recently. Well, I know. Nothing, bro.

Nothing. Matt, you're up there. What do you mean nothing? If I have to shit on the plane, I take a shit on the plane. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Oh, it's nothing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You just rip it. That's hell. You just rip it. It's so small. It is small. It's cramped quarters.

And you tense up a dude once you let him. What's the move though? Do you like immediately hit the button once shit comes out so it doesn't smell? I've never had this happen. You better sit in the open bowl. I'm not that long of a shitter, but I'll like just let it rip. Speed recycles his shit on planes. It goes back through his body. Once you flush it, then you don't come out right away. Now everyone knows it was a shit. So you just got to shit real quick. Get it out. Everyone's going to know it's a shit once you open that door.

Nah, dude. It wasn't that bad. At least I think I was used to the smell too. Yeah. It's not like a boss. And it's like, yeah, you come out and you're just out. It's not that bad. I shit today at the airport and it didn't flush. It didn't flush. And I had to just cover the bodies, dude. I had to just.

I had to just lay toilet paper over the bodies. Close her eyes. I put pennies on their eyes, dude. That's tough. I just walked out. I was out of there. I felt really bad about that. I took a weird... In Philly or in Austin? In Austin. I took a weird... Which toilet? I know all the

I was up in the American. I was up in the Admirals. I left the sailors not up there. This is the best dump. That's the only point of having Delta Lounge right now. You can take a fully walled hall. What else do you get from it? What do you need to get there? Shitty catering food.

You get the worst food. You get coffee. Like, are you getting like served or like, no, you gotta pick it up yourself. But then cafeteria and you get high school cafeteria. Okay. I gotcha. Yeah. And then like a Sudanese, like a Sudanese immigrant will come take your plate, which is kind of cool. Yeah. Every once in a while they have good grub out. What do you need to access it?

I don't know. It's a secret, bro. I think you have to have American Express. Bill likes the finer things, bro. You probably have it. Which one? I don't know. I think you just need a wife to set it up. You just need a girl to set it up. You just need a girl. Just a girl to set it up for you. I have no idea how it works. I'll just forget everything. It's a fine print on a credit card. Somehow a girl calls and they go, yeah, you can come in now. I lost my wallet this week. That's crazy. Fucking devastating. You lost your wallet? It's been years. Yeah. I've been...

I'm just going crazy with surprise. Just got my Texas ID. Lost my. Oh, I have been going crazy on sobriety. He's a fucking maniac. What's your soap? What's your soap kick right now? I got drunk last night, but commit slip. Quit. It's commit. It's commit. Five days at a time. You can still keep your chip working on it. Yeah.

I got them right now. Yeah. I got my chip right now until right when we're done with this podcast. But then we'll get another chip eventually. Yeah. True. Are you fucking around or did you actually feel like amazing after five days? I swear to God on day five, I was like, I think I'm on Adderall. That's awesome. Wow. It's ridiculous. Oh, dude, you've been running with an absolute weighted vest on. You're just dimming the light inside you by drinking. True. The light's too powerful. True. Yeah. But, you know, having a couple of cold ones is...

Top five. It's the best feeling in the world, bro. It's the number one feeling. Yeah. Yeah, it's very nice. Having two cold drinks is very nice. It's just the next day sucks. Even after like two drinks, I wake up and I'm like, now that I live the Auro lifestyle, dude, it's a total lie. When they told us that having drinks was healthy for you, like, yeah, have two drinks is actually good for you. It's not true at all. It's fucking alcohol. So bad for you. They pushed that thing through like it was nothing.

What? The fact that they were like, if you have two drinks every day, it's actually good for you. Not like it's not the worst thing for you. They go, no, no, it's actually for the best. I just need to stop doing cool stuff during the week. Yeah. That's the thing that kills me.

The power of no. The power of no is difficult. You just keep getting forced to dance everywhere. Yeah, people bring me out and make me dance. The only way to do that is absolutely obliterated. I could never do it. I had a sober tailgate at the Texas A&M Notre Dame game. What? Yeah. How was that? Because everywhere I went, I was getting attacked.

Oh, yeah. It's crazy. I can't walk around. Oh, like celebrity attack? Yeah. That sucks, man. It does actually suck. It really does. Dude, I was in Jersey and I'm walking up to check out at Walgreens and this dude's like fucking eyeing me up. I'm like, what the

fuck's this dude's problem and then he waited outside for me he's like are you Andrew and I was like yeah he's like I love you guys but the whole time I was like pissed off like what the fuck's this dude's problem yeah I hit the head nods thought he wanted to fight you then I was like I should have asked that dude what his name was like I have zero people skills I just freeze up I'm like oh alright dude cool later today I got a good one today what

I was walking and a group of children started chasing me. Like, sir, sir. And I thought they were like, I was, so I got out of the way. We were on the sidewalk and then they all came around. They're like, we're doing a scavenger hunt. Can we take a picture with you? That's awesome. And I was like, I'm on a fucking scavenger hunt. And I looked at it. It was like guy in Philly's Jersey. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I saw John Cena talk about this problem on the Club Che Che podcast. Backshot King. Backshot King. What do you mean? He talked about how people come and approach him, and he goes, bro, it's just part of the territory. He's like, I got to do it. He goes, sometimes I'm not the day. We were saying, like, I should have been better. He goes, sometimes I'm just not the best at it. I try to be the best. Dude, he ripped someone's asshole open one time. Like, they tried to take a picture of him, and John Cena just lays the fuck into him. Dude's being a douchebag. And, like, John Cena just fucking lets him have it. Does he really? Yeah.

Yeah. Isn't it Modine? What? It's Modine, right? Yeah, it's Modine. Modine from London or whatever. Cena gets like 60. Cena will do like 60 pictures. If he goes anywhere, he's like, I do about 60 pictures. God damn, Cena. Cena must get destroyed. Yeah, and around the world, too. There's nowhere he can go. I think we went up to Boston to interview Shiva, and it was the Monday after WrestleMania, bro.

That must be insane. I saw them all. They were all in the airport. All the LeMahers. Dude, they were going crazy. They were still dressed up like wrestlers on Monday going home. It's a fun life, dude. It's so cool. One of the best. Yeah. Completely letting go. I only ever had one spaz. What were you like? The first show. Did I talk about this on here before? It was the first helium back.

there's like autograph guys that come yeah yeah and i was i i just had it was 100 degrees in the room i bombed i was so mad i was like i just want to go sign an autograph and then most of the time the autograph guys they don't go to the show or have any idea who you are yeah oh i just stand there i'm like signing august and then they need pictures with the autograph

And I was just in a nasty mood. I just bombed. And I was signing and I was like, he was like, you were great in Billions because Soder was on the show with me. He was like, you read the wrong fucking bio. I was like, you don't even know who I am. Why are you doing this? They did that at the beginning of the new... That's not that bad. No, and then he was like, can I get a picture? And I was like, no, I'm going home. And he was like, oh, fucking tough guy, huh? You big fucking big shot. That's how the new Adam Sandler thing starts out. Really? I was like,

Whoa. Yeah, the new Adam Sandler special starts out with that. The Adam Sandler thing gets it right. Yeah, yeah. Because then they bring a kid. They always have a kid. That's great. Most of the time they're great, but I did feel bad. I should have just taken the fucking picture. But so who are the autograph guy? Are they like just there? They're just selling autographs? They're just selling autographs. There's paparazzi people now. Like 50 or so. They might get you tonight. Nah, they might get my ass. They will. They might, dude. Easy up. I fly under the radar. I walked by when someone else was there and they started fucking nailing me. Really? Yeah.

Do you know what I'm worried about right now? Apparently there's a bunch of kidnappings in Texas. Texas killing fields? No, just like apparently in Texas what can happen if the lady is with a kid by themselves...

This could just be girl talk. Brittany went out with her... Facebook groups. Well, they went out with her. A bunch of her mom friends went out together. It's funny because they all went out to dinner and just scared each other. They're like, oh, I heard this. And they all came back like... But they were saying... Two of them said they've either... One did firsthand. The other said they heard of a friend it happened to where someone just came out of an SUV

and was like coming towards them. They had to like dip back into their car. Apparently they see women, they snatch kids and like your kid's just gone. This is the same shit as people like, I know someone who died of COVID. Like, oh yeah, who is it? It's my uncle's friend. No, the one person is her friend. I've met this lady. She was like, yeah, someone was like, get back in your car. And then she saw a guy with a ski mask hopping out of a van. I think chicks love this stuff.

They do love it. Dude, I was in my room all fired up being like, dude, if I see fucking any guy in a parking lot, I'm going to fuck. And I just imagine just murdering Mexican guys in a parking lot. For like an hour and a half, I was like, speaking Spanish, like, just, dude, it was, I couldn't sleep. I lay there for an hour. That wall is terrible.

It's just the cartel. It's just the bad media. That wall is to keep them in America. They're in here with Matt. They're trapped now. I was fully in my head being like, dude, could I fully battle a cartel? I was like, I'd probably get the military if I went down there. I just went nuts just laying there at night trying to sleep. So the guy came, then I jumped into a car. There was a half an hour of like, could I stop a guy driving a car? Could I incapacitate him and then take over the wheel before I crash? Because obviously there's a kid in the car. I couldn't do anything to anybody.

I'll do this for like 40 minutes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and be like if someone took my kid could I jump into a car and fight them at 60 miles an hour it was fun I did it for like the whole night you gotta go to Chicago the Venezuelans are shooting up Oblock right now and saying fuck all of you

They're just coming from Venezuela and firing guns into Oblak. Like, fuck you guys. Yeah, what are you going to do? Yeah, you're not going to come down here. And the Venezuelans immediately went there and just started spraying bullets into their fucking street. Yeah, I mean, the rest of the world. And they're in Aurora, Colorado. The rest of the world's pretty bad. That's the thing. Yeah, it is. I predicted this years ago. I'm like, dude, we're going to get a heavy wave of immigrants, and they're not going to be very sensitive to the black American plight. They've been dealing with white people for too long. You get robbed. No, no, it's fine. Just take it. I don't need the money anyway. I got a guy.

yesterday really I was walking home and a group of teens doesn't matter yeah race Indian yes we'll see how this goes yeah we find and then one of the kids started talking to me and I had headphones and so I was like what was that I couldn't hear you and he was like no no and I was like I'm sorry I can't hear you and he's like I'd cream pie you I

He started to take your cheeks. Yeah, in front of all his friends. He said he was going to come inside of me. That's tough, dude. No, I just laughed and kept walking. And then I think his one boy either called him gay or me gay. I couldn't tell. He's like, yo, he gay. Yeah, I watched a real little black dude. That was just my Indian impressions.

I had the most autistic walk home. It was that. And all I did was laugh. Yeah.

and then this girl who lives near me has this dog i see every single day and i was like i see this dog all the time what's that dog's name and she was like i'm on the phone that was a block down yeah you told you were told you're gonna be cream bud i see this dog i was like this is a great dog what's that dog's name and she's like

I was like, all right, I'm going inside for the rest of my life. I can't go outside. Yeah, somebody outside that works the park just hit me with, your haircut looks nice. And my response was like, ah. And I just walked away drunk like, what the fuck did I say? It's not words. Yeah, some dude came down my driveway the other day. Indian dude had a fucking shin guard, a soccer shin guard on his arm. What? Was he actually Indian? No, crazy person, dude, right? Yeah.

And my gut reaction was just, whoa! And he was like, oh, and just walked away. I love the moto. I didn't spring into action at all. I was doing that earlier today. Well, that was the first step. You would have went fear and then anger and then aggression. Yeah. So you were just, you were charging up. I was in the beginning of it. Yeah, you were charging up. I thought of all the funny things I could have said to that young Indian boy after he said his name. Oh, yeah.

So I could come in you I know kids you can handle some really good comebacks But there's no comeback because you could get your ass yeah, or you get you're gonna be seen being like I'll come in your little fucking ass No one ever watches the first half of the video some of you and a black teens face make up come in your fucking ass Because of you

It's the last thing you need. I got harassed again. My brother got fucking pepper sprayed by a group of Indians on his first Tinder date. He was just walking on his first date and got fucking pepper sprayed for no reason. Then he hit the ground. I was like, dude, that's sauce. And then they finished the date. That's a good date. They were on their way to eat and got pepper sprayed. That shit fucking hurts, man. Did the baby get hit too? Both of them got pepper sprayed in the face by fat black girls. Damn, dude.

Evil pepper sprayed Natalia. True. It was probably just regular pepper spray. The white people just couldn't handle it. Please watch. True, yeah. Probably tuna and mayo. It's probably just tahini. It's probably just tahini. Did you watch A Curious Case in Natalia Grace? Not yet, no. I got to see it. You have to watch it. I will. I heard it's awesome. It sounds like a pretty great premise. It's unreal. It is. How much, does this person really look like a little girl? Yeah. Yes.

Do they have like the Benjamin Button set up or like what's... Not just a midge. Nah. Oh, they're a midget? Yeah. It's dwarf.

You can fucking idea of Midge, dude. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, but not if they're in footies. Just watch. If they're in footies, it's in a skinny Midge. We literally can't talk about it because it's all spoilers. It's a fucking rollercoaster. But it is sinister. It's sinister, bro. What? You know all that true crime stuff? This one blew my mind. I've seen a ton of shit. Have you seen American Nightmare? Yes. That was a good one. That was a good one, yeah. Half the spoiler alert. We're going to ruin it. When she comes walking back in American Nightmare. Yes, dude. And you're just like this fucking lying bitch.

Yeah. That's how the episode ends. Yeah. So then if you stop watching, you're like, yeah, that dumb bitch. She got kidnapped and raped. I know. It's kind of the same deal with this one, where the first episode, you're like, fuck this dwarf. And then it's like, yeah, it's crazy. Shane started sending me fucking Instagram reels about withholding and how it is horrible for relationships. Yes, dude. There aren't only just physical forms of abuse. There's mental. Other forms of sexual abuse. Withholding. Withholding it.

So you're talking about withholding from your woman? No. My boy Mike got withheld from his girl, Evil. Oh, you're talking about how women withhold from you and how that's abuse. It is abuse. It's commonly known as dead bedroom. Happens to a lot of people. Oh, yeah. He got addicted to porn because of that. Yeah. It's not his fault. It's not his fault at all. Then she would use the porn against him. Oh, it's great. Like, you're a pervert. Look at what you're looking at. It's a good rabbit hole. I'm in that rabbit hole right now. What? That's on my algorithm. What? Is that? Withholding? I thought it was porn. It's withholding and then...

Christian couples being like how we beat our husbands porn addiction yeah that's the name of the game is withholding

What? It's a challenge. Never chase. Dan Bilzerian said that. Yeah, for real. Dude. Was that the Vegas shooting? Yes. Sure he did. Dude, you know what's fucking crazy? Who the hell was just talking about him? Someone was talking about Jason Aldean. I think it was Patrick Bet-David was saying, dude, Jason Aldean couldn't go out for like two years because of the fucking shooting and never talks about it. And then Tuck just had him on talking about the shooting. Tuck's been having some rogue dudes on. Oh, yeah. Churchill's the bad guy.

Hear that? I like that dude's podcast. I listen to that guy's podcast all the time. I've been tuning in. Soundplay's right up your alley. I love this dude's podcast. Revision history.

Hey, man, just hear the other side. Speaking of numbers and stuff, you ever look at... Have you checked out the numbers over there in Israel-Palestine these days? No. What are they looking like? Not good, bro. Pretty bad. It's like at least 40,000 killed and like 10,000 children. How many were killed on October 7th? Just curious. It's never eye for an eye,

I'm not saying it's not for nothing. I think it was $1,700. $1,700. And that's like 20... How many? Yeah, so it's like 20-something 9-11s in one day. So what's $40,000? $1,700 is one 9-11. No, no, no, no, no. You're doing the math wrong. You're doing the Israeli math per capita. It's about 20-some 9-11s. This is like it's two lanes. Yeah. Yeah.

And 40,000, I guess their lives don't matter. I think I read a statistic that was like 70% of Palestinian children lost a family member in this. You know what's crazy though? If you start checking out the beginning of World War II, this is how it rolls up. Really? They got books. You give you the book and they'll start talking about early 30s.

and it's like this war's happening over here this is happening over here and then like all the guys that are in power now forget them then there's gonna be other dudes and then you're gonna get your Hitler you're gonna get your fucking Stalin all those dudes yeah he's the worst I'm just gonna vote for whichever candidate in America seems like they're gonna deescalate yeah yeah true

I'll do my research. You can do your research. Yeah, I watched this movie on Churchill where the dad from Succession is it and he's fighting with his wife and his wife just fucking slaps him, dude. It's nice. Wait, what happened?

It's a movie about Churchill on D-Day and he's fighting with his wife the whole fucking time. He's like losing his mind. Who's the actor in it? The guy, the dad from Succession. The old man from Succession. He plays Churchill. He's Churchill, dude. And he's like fighting with his wife and like he just wants to be the man. He wants to be a war hero and she fucking slaps him. It's hilarious. Damn. They hype up Churchill in some good movies. Yeah.

The Darkest Hour. Never saw it. Fucking rules. I just watched History of Violence. That fucking rules. Viggo Morrison. I never saw it. I heard it was good. Viggo is good. Is that like a pussy eating on the steps scene? Oh, yes. Yeah, I heard about that. Full out fuck on the steps. Yeah, I heard about that. What movie is this?

A History of Violence. That's Aragorn, brother. Viggo Mortensen. Aragorn needs some pussy on a staircase. He's from Philly. Maria Bello. How many steps? It's a whole full staircase. Twelve at least. It'd be funny if it was like a two-step porch. No, it was literally like a turn and twelve steps going up. Like Joker steps? Full-blown. No, no, no. In the house.

Oh, inside. Wooden steps, yes. Winding staircase or just classic. He must have got so hard so fast because he's just right in there. Oh, yeah. True. The steps would be apparent. It's like you've got to have so much push off. Yeah, so much push immediately. Did you ever see the movie Little Children? What's that? Did you ever see Little Children? I don't remember it. He like bangs somebody's wife on a washing machine. Pretty sick. Viggo?

No, it's Little Children. Ever seen a movie about the pedophile in the pool? No. I've never even heard of it. Dude, Little Children's a sick movie. What? Yeah, there's this guy, he's a pedo, and he wears a snorkel and goggles in the pool, and everyone's like, get this motherfucker. I think I remember this now that you're saying it. The movie's really good. It's about a guy who's a stay-at-home dad and a stay-at-home mom, and they have an affair.

They're running fucking ads on Borna right now. Allegedly someone told me fucking... What are you doing on the hub? He's over 18, dude. If you got hurt by a fucking fire extinguisher foam, you are likely to get a claim. Really? Yeah, when you're beat. It's just, have you been injured by fire? It's like some Camp Lejeune shit.

It was insane. That'd be hilarious if they started doing old people ads on porno. They're going to, 100%. Yeah, it's coming. In fact, my arm has hurt since then. We all decked out like copper bracelets.

It's been nice being in Philly, having the hub back. Having the hub? My old friend. What happens when you guys try to get on it? If you've heard from other people. There's a screen that says you've got to show your ID. Do you? No. No, never. I think in Texas, you have to be a content creator. Dude, join. Like, R.A. Cheese. I'm going to create some content. R.A. Cheese. Hunter Biden. R.A. Cheese. Hunter Biden's porn account. Why don't you just read erotic literature? Goodness. Literatic. Yeah.

Yeah, just read it. Literotica. Read like a nice girl. Every single girl that reads a book does that. Yeah. Any woman that is reading, dude, it's all erotica. It's most of the book market now. Yeah, if you go to New York on the subway, black chicks will just openly read it. I'm like watching them read like erotica. Very big letter print. Dude, every book girls read now is just fucking sexual situations. It's fucking insane.

Yeah. Makes me sad. Nicole Kidman's in that new movie. What new movie? Nicole Kidman's like bearing it all again. She's doing like a crazy fuck scene where like she has sex with her husband, fakes an orgasm, but then she has to sneak in her own little room where she like watches BDSM porn and fregs off. The boomers are going to lose their shit when this comes out. What? Did you bang Nicole Kidman? Are you kidding me? Days of Thunder. Days of Thunder, Nicole Kidman. Dude, she's so hot in Eyes Wide Shut.

Yeah, I would like to, yes. Have sex with Nicole Kidman. Would you? Yes, obviously. So what the hell are you asking me for? You might see her one day. I was JK. Yes, I'd fuck her now. Say it later. That's not funny. Come on, man. Guard dog, edit out the part where I talked about autographs and photos. Edit that out. Chiyoko call.

Dude, I got to tell you guys, I absolutely bombed my interview with 311. Oh, is that so bad? Are you not going to put it out? I put it out. Put it out. Oh, okay. But I bombed it, dude. I like for real. Show your mistakes. Huh?

Show your mistakes. You got to show your mistakes, bro. As an interviewer, I didn't have anything prepared. I showed up and was like, we're going to hit it off right away. They were cool. But I would just ask them. It was too chill. I had nothing to ask them. And I was like, make up stuff to say to them. They'd be like, right on, man. It's so hard. You're getting your bearings, dude. Interviewer. I know. It was making me laugh because I was like, Brittany called me because I had stayed home for a day to do it. She's like, was it worth staying home? I'm like...

Dude, I actually don't really feel great about this right now. I fucked up my interview with 311. Please just lay off me right now. No idea the pressure I'm under. They came to Philadelphia and we enjoyed oysters. True. But it was a very funny interview. I'm serious. I didn't do my 311 interview that well and I'd appreciate it if you got off my back. You were all mixed up.

Did you talk about Amber? Yeah, he actually had a very sick line when I was asked. I asked him, like, was there any song you had that, like, surprised you that took off? And he was like, Amber. And I was like, he's like, it was, like, it was the first time we

We had a song that got an almost overwhelmingly female kind of feedback. Damn, dude. I said, yo, how'd that work out? How'd you like that female fan base flaring? What about teenage boys, too? The dude goes, Amber's the color of my energy, bro. And I was like, god damn, dude. You told me you took down all the babes, dude. Rainstorm. Just a rainstorm. Dude, rainstorm of stoner babes, too. They're the hottest, dude. Dreadlocks. Stoner babes, yeah. Smell like patchouli.

Oh, I just heard a thing about an evil hippie. What? Speaking of evil hippies, I saw there's like that Alaskan Airlines pilot that tried to take that plane down. No. I was listening to Tim Dillon. It was on Tim's podcast. He was talking about there was a guy that was like he, you know how sometimes they sit on like the fold down chair and they hop it? Yeah.

This guy just lost his mind while he was up there. He was like, nothing's right. Saw the black dog. Reach for a fucking thing to try to take down the entire plane. A stewardess or the pilot? No, he was a pilot. There was two pilots on there. He was just riding with them.

He's the plan to take down white pilots. He tried to take down the pilots. Why? But he was talking about it. He's like, I've been taking some mushrooms. I've been working on stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I remember hearing about this. You better chill on the psychedelics. That's how you sit on a plane and go, I'm not here right now. Nothing's real. Everything is mental. It is.

So he was on the mushies as co-pilot. He was calling magic mushrooms, too. Intrusive thoughts. I was at the bar with my buddy Ricky and these two chicks came in. I don't think this guy got any jail time. Really?

You should be life in prison. Well, he's trying to better himself through microdosing. You should be in prison if you try to kill everyone. Yeah, definitely. That's probably some dude hired by Pfizer to say all the things. Did he actually do it? Or he like really... No, he like went for it. Was a pilot like, whoa, what the hell? Everyone had to like hold him back. Yeah, you should be arrested. I'm fucking tripping my balls off. You should be in jail for a very long time. Definitely, yeah. Or at least he's depot. They took his wings. Yeah, but now he goes around and gives... He's a bus driver? No.

just every day just what's his speeches what's he do about pilots mental health I mean this guy probably got paid bank from Pfizer

You know what I was on? Magic Mushrooms. There's a chance though he was kind of an unstable dude who kind of heard about microdosing from the internet and like dude you take a little bit too much and you're up in the sky and you've never really done anything like that before. I could see him being like what's the point of this? I was chilling with Ricky at the bar and these two chicks were all in their 40s and they were there for a divorce party and they were boozing and trying to hit on every dude in the bar and then they're like we have chocolates and I'm like I'm getting the fuck out of here dude.

You had two chicks at a divorce party on mushrooms? That's hell. There's a divorce party? They throw a divorce party. Oh, they do them now. Yeah, like bachelor parties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tough, brother. It's tough, dude. Getting the groove back. Bunch of fucking fools. How are they? They're out of the game. They're coming back in, you know, and it's like, dude, you guys should retire. How are they looking? Not good. They'll just get mauled by some 23-year-old psycho on Tinder for three days. I think we should work things out.

They came back and they're like, I haven't checked in on YouTube for a while. I was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's a... It's so dark, dude. Yeah, they're entering a very different... All I can think about, there's some dude out there that doesn't know this is going on. What do you mean? Some dude's out there that doesn't know his ex-chick's having a divorce party at a bar. I think it's pretty common, man.

What, really? Yeah, chicks get divorced now and it's like divorce party with the girls. Oh, fuck. It's a big deal. They like advertise like we throw bachelor parties, divorce parties. I think it depends how the divorce went. Also, you'd be surprised how much that guy might not give a fuck either. Yeah, I was going to say that guy's probably like... Yeah, I have no experience. Of course he is. Yeah.

You got your fucking bitch battleaxe 40-something-year-old wife out there being like, I'm celebrating at the band games. I got a funny motherfucking dick straws. Yeah. They all cry. Although that would get you on the plane. If that's going on on the ground, you're on the fucking plane on the mushrooms just being like, I got to find this TGI Friday. It's just fucking 9-11 it. Me and 200 of my friends are coming.

I mean, that is 200 souls. When you say it like that, it's crazy they didn't arrest that guy. He, I think he should be in jail for. Yeah. That's crazy. A little fucked up for a while. If you try to kill that many people. Yeah. Yeah. No, you can't give talks. What's that speech? I mean, serial killers don't put up those kind of numbers. True. And also, put them in the cooler, at least like a mental hospital for like a couple years, dude. Lock that boy up. Like that Buffalo Bill house? Yeah, that's sick. You can say the Buffalo Bill house. Yeah, that's a big one, dude. That was a terrorist attack. It was. Yeah, yeah.

That was a heavy bug out, though. Maybe the judge is leaning and be like, were you fucking bugging, bro? I was talking about mushrooms, bro. It was a chocolate, too, because sometimes those batches are fucking weird. It's penis heavy stuff, dude. Oh,

Oh shit, you were bugging? It's all good. Yeah, Matt, you can rent Buffalo Bill's house as an Airbnb. Dude, Rainey's into this. Rainey stayed in the hotel room for the, you know the lady from Monster? Yeah, yeah. He like rented, he like stayed in that hotel room. I never knew that was a real show. Like that was based on true story. That was based on a real lady, yeah. I never knew that.

no that was a real lady rainey and del calo and matera stayed in her in her like hotel that she checked up on so it was terrifying too it was like a neighborhood ex-pilot who tried to shut off engine mid-flight uh on psychedelic mushroom trip gets released from jail with orders to keep away from aircraft well that's good that's his punishment

I've been there in a trash truck. Are you talking about the Sky King? Yeah. Sky King is such a nice video. People hate that shit. I don't know why guys are obsessed with him. Like, what the fuck is people's obsession? It's like, dude, it's the greatest audio recording. It's hilarious, dude. So you think this thing can do a barrel roll? He's like, uh, please don't do that. He's like, are you going to land this? He's like, I'm going to try to hit a barrel roll and then probably nosedive it and call it a night. It's a beautiful clip. How close did that guy get to killing? Did he like,

Was he like actually pulling forward? I don't think he said he was going to do it. Yeah, I mean, that's got to suck. He was just on his junior wheel and the real pilot was like, what the fuck are you doing? He's crushing it. No attempted murder charges for pilot. There can't be like that easy of a kill switch on a plane. I feel like there has to be some sort of like two hands on both buttons on both sides. No way, because if one of them goes down, yeah, you can't. You got to have one.

know what i mean if like one goes down you can't put both the keys at the same time like like a mystical thing like that oh my god what am i doing oh my god this is crazy flight 93. that is insane and weird yeah he mr emerson acknowledged that in trying to wake himself from what he believed was a dream he reached up in the cockpit and pulled on the plane's two fire suppression handles which are designed to shut down both engines in an emergency killer well

He got inceptioned. Yeah. He should have spun a top. That was his. My totem is a violent plane crash. The fuck? That is crazy. Lock her up. You know what I mean? That was a girl pilot? No, that was a man. I was going to say. Sounds like some sick shit a dude would do.

Tripping on the plane. I was reading that a national shooter manifesto. And I was like, yo, this is a dude. Wow. You know, we only ever interrupt the fun to bring you amazing news. And that news is about I bought a, I bought a is a free app that lets you earn cash back. Every time you shop earn on hundreds of items from groceries to beauty supplies, even toys. So you can make sure you're beating inflation, no matter what you're purchasing.

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Hello, everybody. Sorry for the brief interruption. This is Sean Gardini. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be doing stand-up comedy in...

Tempe, Arizona this week Wednesday at the Improv September 11th with Aiden McCluskey and Nate Marshall Please come to that if you can and then I'll be in Salt Lake City, Utah at wise guys comedy club this weekend Friday and Saturday September 13th and 14th Please come to that if you can as well. Thank you very much the ticket the link for tickets is in the description God bless you now. Let's get back to the show and

oh i mean jesus man anyway have you guys seen any of the paralympics bill do you like the paralympic video yeah it's crazy see the brazilian guy swimming you watch any of this yeah he has no arms dude he's like a fish bro his feet are huge he's just like a body does he just wriggle man he's built like a frog he dolphin kicks he's flying he's built like a frog and he has a towel bite to start yeah

Is that how he started? Yes, he was biting onto a towel and then he let go and fucking jumped back. They unhook him? Yeah, they unhook him. He's grabbed by the gills and catch and release. These guys are like legit crones, dude. They're having a whole Olympics for him. The guy who beat him is a dickhead for that. He won. No, that was the semifinals, dude. Oh, that was the semifinals? What was the guy set up to beat him? He was fucking beaten by a fucking finger length. What? He has to fucking headbutt the wall. Yeah.

Does he just fucking... I'll show you, Matt. Does he ever leap up out of the water and then come back in? Dude, he had 50 meters underwater backwards. What? Yeah, he's unreal. I'll show you, Matt. This dude's unreal. That's crazy. He's my kind of folk. That's pretty great. Yeah, they did that, and then there's like... They're doing the backstroke, and some of the dudes have like one fucking arm.

They just go in a circle? Bum rudder. Just watching you. Yo, bro. Just chill and check him out. These are the fucking champions, dude. Check this guy out. There's nothing better than this. You might have to fast forward to the towel grab, but that's how they start. Towel grab with the mouth. Wild. There we go. You'll see the king when you see him, dude. He's just feet in a shell. 50 meters underwater to start. That's crazy, bro. Unreal.

Imagine him swimming up and scaring us in the ocean. He'd get me. Fake shark attack. He'd get me. It's like a catfish. Yeah, I like this. That's the good Olympics. It really is, man. Do they do any satanic bullshit before their opening ceremony? Probably chills out. Probably respectful. Loving. Respectful. He was mad dogging. No, they all got to plop in. Yeah. Mad dog Olympics. A lot of them can't do the flip.

Yeah, they all have to just plop in. It's like bobbing for apples. Bro, they're fucking cooking. There he is. Yo! He fucking crushed it. He would smoke you, Matt. He would smoke you. He would destroy me in a fucking swim. You blacked out in your own pool. Yeah, I can't. Well, the goggles are pretty tight on my forehead. They cut off my blood supply. This guy is nasty, dude. Yeah, dude. I might try that. Bro, he's fucking... Bro, imagine him jackhammering, dude. The motor on him. Oh, my God. Imagine life with no arms, dude. Just nubs up here.

Haul ass. All you do is hit the pool. And then you work. You work your whole life to get to Paris and then some guy beats you by a fucking finger length. That's fucked up. I would love to know his origin story. Just how he got into swimming. Just some nasty fucking Brazilians push him in the pool as a joke. He's like, oh yeah? Swam with the dog in the Amazon. He swam with the river dolphins. These are the real X-Men. Flying.

That's how I learned how to swim, by the way. I was pushing the pool. Really? Trial by fire? Trial by fire. At least that's how... It could be a false memory, but I swear to God, I was in the Karakong Swim Club. My brothers pushed me in the pool and I just... Definitely happened to you. I wouldn't mind if I had a good diving board. I remember being like, oh, sweet, I can swim and just pull myself out of the pool and be like right on. What size diving board you ever took? Dude, the fucking... I think there was a...

I swear I think it was a 30 meter. I could be wrong about that. 60 feet? Or no. At Hidden Hollow. How high was the third platform? I think 10 meters. 10, my bad. Okay. 30 feet. I was getting meters and feet confused. It was getting meters and feet confused. Bro, the third platform at Hidden Hollow was high as fuck. Second platform was scary. Maybe at 14 feet. The second platform was scary. I honestly don't know if I ever went on the third. The second was like...

kind of nuts. The third was like, you got to be fucking crazy. Look up. I'm telling you the hidden house. Remember the hell high I couldn't even climb up to it, bro. It was, I don't know. It's got to be closed down now. I never, you could climb up. It was, it probably was 30 feet. I think it was about 30 feet high. Damn. It was crazy. Uh, whatever the high dive is. I think it's just a, it was at Bucknell, whatever their platform or board, like a platform. Damn dude. That's high. It was whatever the collegiate one is. You're mad. You know, Jason Statham used to do this.

Statham was a professional diver. Oh, yeah. Actually, I did hear that before. Crazy. Was he a dancer? Yes. Did you ever see the video where he's dancing in the background? So is Sam Selleck. Who's that? Big bodybuilder kid. Oh, he was a swimmer. Oh, he was a swimmer. Swimmer and diver, yeah. That's pretty sick. I never hit a high dive. I've been hitting the lanes pretty hard myself. That's scary.

You never hit a high dive? I've never hit one. Once I was like fucking around the pool. Oh, you're part of the safety generation. I just had the pool in the backyard. It's all nerfed up for him. We used to drink out of the hose. We're no streetlights. We're just out there. Yeah, man. I used to literally walk up and down the highway as a child. We used to hang out on the highway all the time. Scranton Joe. I for real used to walk up and down the highway as a child. Where? 202.

Yeah. Oh. We would walk to Wawa and just pillage candy bars and like sit outside. Not nerfed. Not nerfed. That's what I got to say. You're nerfed. You got, I saw your trophy case in here. Nothing but participation. Hustle. Hustle. Hustle. Hustle. I used to constantly get hustle. Dude, I would dive. Basketball, I would dive into the fucking bleachers and save a ball out of bounds. All the fucking time, bro. Don't.

Don't do that to me. Did you like when our parents came to the games or did you not care? I told him I could give a fuck less because I had one catch with dad. He threw it underhand. I was like, all right, this is fucking stupid. I was like, dad, you don't do it underhand. I was like, dad, you want to have a catch? And his shoulder's absolutely fine. I was like, dad, you want to have a catch? And he's like, yeah, sure. And then I threw one to him and he fucking...

went like this no he was he was like a he's a dog flirty sidearm anytime i went lifting he goes what are you doing with hans and franz but dude i literally have to go lifting and he's like why do you have to go to lift it just go to work they say i have to go to these yeah he would crush he would crush if you lift away it's like what are you trying to hook up with dudes you'd be like why do you think i'm trying to engage he might have been on to something well in his day they all collected those magazines yes

Like if you wanted to lift weights back when your dad was a kid, they would collect those men's fitness magazines. It makes sense. Yeah, I could see that from that generation being like, what are you trying to get your muscles bigger? What do you want to kiss guys? That's what made Dorian big though. Yeah, true. One of the greatest.

True. True. I mean, I got, I I'm absolutely impervious to him. Like Trump where it's just like, dude, the hate's going to come. Like everyone. One of two gay guys kissed on camera and said, take that bill. I would throw that one. Hurt your feelings. Spade. Spade wasn't, Spade wasn't that into it. And then, you know, he got in the gym and he saw that all that fucking hate. And it's just people who are scared to walk into the judgment stops right at the door. Once we're in there, it's just two guys trying to make each other better. True. Make each other feel better. Yes. Literally. Yeah.

Nothing wrong with it. I mean, you keep asking me to, but, you know. Have you guys pumped together? No. Matt takes his shoes off for squats. Yeah. Yeah.

Matt has a fucking good firm base when he squats. Taking your shoes off to squat 135 is wild. You got it, man. I have high cushion running shoes. You're not supposed to lift in those things. Really? Yeah, you're not supposed to lift in hokas. Then you got the Yeezy socks the one time. Yeezy socks was nice, bro. Matt rolled up with Yeezy socks the one time. I rolled up with the 3M. They look like work gloves. City Fitness.

Yeah, you got to... Dude, I was telling Shane, dude, I ran four miles in, I think, 45 minutes. Yeah, me and Bill did legs. My knees are fucked up. Me and Bill did legs the other day. I almost threw up on fucking Bulgarians.

Bulgarian split squats will shoot your fucking heart right out of the fucking room, dude. Out of nowhere, my heart just started going. I'm like, dude, I could have a heart attack. I started thinking I could have a heart attack. Dude, I lived in that sick and twisted realm for like two years where if my heart went up above like 100, I'd be like, this is it. This is a young boy. He's just pumping. I'm like, I'm getting worried. Like, I could go down. I watched a guy fucking delete himself from you. I went to hot yoga last week and this dude rolled in and it was...

No joke. Six minutes in, you're doing this stuff where you bend backwards and you go forward and grab the back of your ankles, but you want a compression with your chest and stomach and your thighs. You have to do two sets. Second set, dude packs it up.

Fucking rolls the mat up and everything goes like you're right. Yeah, just have to go the bathroom But like if you have to go the bathroom, yeah, you know go back to your man Was he having the big one dude rolled it up shit himself left and it smelled like a dog shit the room I just peaced out. I mean Oh

I just held my head down the next second. Oh, man. He should have been like, yo, this guy fucking shit himself. I'm out of here. What a freak. What kind of place is this? People just shit themselves? I'm leaving.

Yeah, that's like just starting to sweat I feel no because I ate fucking a bunch of ground beef and rice before I went and I was This stomach compression kill he set you off like Goonies, dude. Yeah. Oh shit There's another thing where you gotta like on your back squeeze your fucking knee and your chest you ever when you do that like look at your penis just Triangle

It's devastating. You sound like a 60-year-old woman's camel toe. What the fuck is that? You got Alaskan Airlines there. This is not real life.

this is we all have to die so turn off the yoga music if i gotta see if i'm dreaming my dick can't be this small dude this is crazy this is bullshit this is not my dick also if somebody shit themselves i'm out of here i know my dick's not this small somebody shit their pants i'm leaving this whole studio is a joke what were you saying i've seen some of those old ladies fart oh yeah there's like old yoga ladies that think it's cool yeah just let it go it is cool

Their farts just smell like mothballs, though. It smells terrible, dude. Nothing's been in their hands for fucking years. It smells like broccoli. Yeah, it's definitely weird diets. I can't believe I forgot about this. Liberal diets. Sport Ukraine. So liberal. I think I went through a genuine humiliation ritual recently.

Dude, this is going to sound, and this sounds infinitely worse than hot yoga, but I'm real into lymph right now. Just my lymphatic system. Oh, yeah, your lymph nodes, yeah. Get my lymph drained. Get jerked. Apparently, I mean, bro, maybe one day. It's the ultimate node. Come on, man, you know where that node is. I know exactly where that one is. Boo!

You got two down there. That's literally in your pubes. You're getting rubbed. Yeah, it's close. That's why you're going, dude. No, it's not, dude. I'm telling you. I'm just trying to be well. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Dude, I would say it if I was. I would. I would say, dude, that's nothing. That's nothing.

nodes down there. What is going through your mind? Blood flow, totally natural. My mind is going... Would you stop her if she kept going? What are you talking about? Of course. I would say this isn't part of the lymphatic massage. Are you healthy? Are you chubbed up when it's happening? I'd say so. I'd say...

It's not totally true. Hold on one second. You got a show dog. It's a Texas heat. It's a Texas heat. It is. It's nothing crazy. No, it's nothing. Dude, I'm telling you, it's for real like my favorite thing right now. It's like a little ghost raped on the car. Dude, this is not. No, no, no. Dude, I'm telling you, that's nothing. So then apparently they say when you fly, you're supposed to be like wearing compression stuff. Yeah.

Cause I get it. Apparently your circulation is just like trash when you're flying. So it's like, you can get these things that are like basically like tights that you just wear under your pants that keep you all compressed on your body. So Brittany was getting them and she's like, do you want them to make them for you when you fly? I'm like, yeah, have them make me a pair. And they're like, well, they have to come in, like measure, they're measuring me. I have to measure you.

I'm like, no. Yeah, whatever. For like yoga pants? Dude, I didn't know what the fuck it was. For like spandex pants? Bro, so then this fucking French lady comes by our house. Oh, I thought it was going to be a dude. This is a nice story. There was a dude, there was a dude, Taylor there, comes by the house and they're like,

Brittany and they're like, oh, you need to toss on these spandex pants real quick and come back out here. And I was like, this is some elite shit. It is really, dude, I want the fucking compression. I'm all about the lymph. So I go in. It's just, it was very funny because I go in, put the spandex on. You're taking this jackal off parlor pretty soon. Yeah.

No, she's very serious about your jacks. It's pretty legit. Dude, I'm telling you, it's pretty legit. This is a whole different person. It's fucking Jack Shack. So I'm like, I just want the compression. I want to fly and feel great. They're like, dude, it's night and day. You're going to feel fantastic. So I'm like, I love that. So I put them on, but I'm kind of low. I'm kind of sagging the front a little bit. Nothing crazy, but I'm wearing them. I'm still like, I'm monitoring the whole time. I'm like, come on, man. Give me something. Not now, not now. Trying to get Brittany maybe like rub a ball on me. I wanted something decent.

Was it just dead? I had to stand there. I had to stand there just with a fucking micro bulge for like 20 minutes. As if it wasn't bad enough, Brittany goes, you got to pull your pants off and just hikes them up on me. I'm like, no. This isn't kind of a...

Embarrassment ritual This is the most Embarrassing thing ever Dude One of the measurements Was like I'd rather shit in yoga Hold it in your center line I'm like what's that And they have to like You should tell Britt To work you up Before they came in I didn't know This was happening What the fuck And then they take The one measurement Is they kind of like Just kind of like Wedge you Give you a pussy They just kind of like Work it from behind And front And like come up Your front And I was just sitting there Like you gotta get up You gotta get up

Come on. I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. Once you start it, you're free. You got an old man compression socks. Just get the knee-high socks and wear a fucking cargo. I know. But dude, apparently if we're working out, they're really good. If you're compressed while you're all... Apparently they do all the athletes in the NFL do this. They wear compression while they work out. Dude, you got to get an R ring for the nose. They probably just get fucking...

The tights from Nike. No, no, no. You guys don't know about lymph. It's not your fault. You don't know about lymph, but it's for real. It's a serious thing. I thought they were just here. No, dude. We have hundreds of them. I thought when you get sick, you're like, let me feel your lymph. They're all around your butthole.

No, they're all around your joints. Every joint, you have lymph nodes in your neck, I think right here, down here, on every joint. So if you don't move, they get like this. How often do you get this? Every couple weeks, whenever I can get it fitted in. And then they do zero point, it's basically, it's not acupuncture, but it's acupressure, where they just, every knot in your back, they just hold into it until it releases, and they go knot by knot. Dude, it's for real the best thing in the world.

Yes, I had to stand there and spandex in my kitchen and get a Melvin and just get a Melvin The whole time I was just like dude this will be over soon. I gotta go to the bathroom just put a cucumber in my fucking pants. This is what it's gonna be like normally. Well no I was trying to I was like a French lady so I'm like I'm like this is like normal I should I you know this French lady doesn't care. It's just like you just see micro bulges all the time. They got in the car and left.

laugh yeah they could have bro like i've never seen anything that small that's all nurses talk about technically is that micro fucking nurses it's insanity what do you mean they ever hang out nurses they say the nastiest shit this uh nurses are the dark that's yeah then they make tiktoks and it's like i want them the scrubs if they can fill out the scrubs i want it so bad i hear these stories about them in the fucking closet scrubs going wild

Oh, yeah. There's a video of this fucking nurse that literally looks like one of our... Like, it could be an aunt of ours. And there's just a black dude hugging her from behind. And she's on the phone with her husband like, Yeah, I'm just going to work the night shift. And this fucking, like, black nurse's assistant is just kissing her neck. And she's like, Yeah, it's all right. I'll just take the night shift. And they both smile at the camera. I was like...

What video is it? It's like a fucking video that's on Twitter. Yeah, they're making like videos. It's like a fucking, yeah. You got cuck video. Like the one where it's like your girl's in Miami. That is kind of weird just to be like, it's not even like a pornographic thing. You're just sitting there. You're in the chair, dude. You're in the chair. You can't go to Miami. You gotta break out with a girl if she goes to Miami. Everyone's really supportive in Miami, dude. All the content creators just like push each other to be better and get like cooler cars. For sure.

Everything on Twitter is just like, this is an unsolicited advertisement for an only fans. I want it to fucking end. It's either that or what's better. The chicken bake or the double chunk. I need to read a book. You are the chill on the internet, man. I am. I'm like, dude, I'm fucking, I'm just going to read. He's not. If I,

If I find it, I'm barely on it. If I find something, he's like, I saw that. I saw that. I saw that. What's your screen time? You can't show Bill anything, dude. No clue. Bill is the internet right now. You're totally plugged in. I'm plugged in, but I'm unplugged. Like now playing like guitar and stuff, I can just chill the fuck out and not go on it. But you know, I just...

It is funny to think of you. I like getting clips for the intros. I like sending Shane some stuff. You know how you're like, oh, dude, check this out. And then every time the dude's like, yeah, I saw that. Yeah. After a while, you're defeated. You stop showing yourself. It's funny to think of you just practicing arpeggios and being like these motherfucking piece of shit shooting up a trans bitch. A real right-wing guitarist. When I'm playing guitar, it's all gone. Yeah, true. Oh, yeah, you're zoned out. Something crazy is fucking coming. I know something's going to happen.

Something will too, but it calms the soul. That's how I started doing it. So I could just relax and stop looking up stuff. And you look really handsome when you're playing. And you're called a racist.

Well, what are you called a racist for? When you look up stuff like that, they say you're an alright racist or you're a Russian bot. You see Tim Pool got fucked. Dave Roof and Tim Pool. Lauren Southern. This is what I'm talking about. He knows everything that happens on the internet. No, I don't know Tim Pool. I know who he is. He just fucking tried to sue...

Kamala Harris for defamation and now just came out that they're all getting paid by Russia for their shows. 400 G's a week, 100 G's a week. No. No way. But they're saying it's fake. So they're saying it's Russian dissent. The Russians are using them to do it. The right wing YouTubers have completely collapsed on themselves. 25 G's in that, dude. Whatever you want. We'll talk about the Rhineland.

Putin is sick, dude. He's like KGB. Dude, you ever watch an interview with him? He is kind of sick. He just endorsed Kamala Harris. Putin did? Yes.

Said she has a fascinating laugh and everyone in the Russian fucking crowd's laughing. Poor joke. He's so funny, dude. I love when dudes do that on Twitter. Oh, dude, this is so embarrassing. Biden's our president. We are getting laughed at by global leaders. It's like a dude who worked for Swiss Farm. That's just where the elevator stops on that one. Yeah. We are an embarrassment to all fucking countries.

Yeah, thinking about the foreign NATO councils, man. They're fucking laughing at us. The closer we get to Russia, the fucking more they're going to do, dude. NATO should know that. I mean, it's great.

These are the thoughts I had. I had lack of sleep because Stevie keeps diarrhea in the bed. Stevie Nicks. Tom flamed you in the family group chat. Why? You had the diaper on the dog and Tom was like, yo, Bill, I'm cool with whatever fetish you have. The diaper on the dog is psychotic, bro. I knew you were going to be a weirdo with these fucking dogs. It's just when it goes to sleep. There's a clear backpack you can buy and you can walk around with two of them in it.

It's literally just when they go to sleep so I don't have to keep fucking clean shit out of my bed. You're going to start wearing briefs, dude. You're going to start wearing briefs, dude. Pomeranian diapers? No, it's fucking throw it out. Every time they shit, I got to wipe their ass.

Dude, you're going to wear a brief soon, dude. Tiger King, dude. What the fuck are you doing, dude? Dude, this is the beginning. He's going to get into exotics. He's going to get into exotic vets, dude. I was dreaming of my new beach house. Right now in my Miami beach house.

We were just playing by the rules. But they're asking her about like draft picks. Yeah, they're asking her about Cincinnati Bengals. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I knew those dogs. But I also knew I, you took it personally. We were on the phone. I was making fun of him for the dogs. He's like, they're good animals. I like them. I was like, I'm just fucking with you. It is crazy how much he loves them immediately. I didn't even know he had a heart, dude.

I love the dog in there. He tries to keep hidden from everyone How funny was that video? It's a good video and you have good dogs. I'll stop making fun of your dog

It's okay. I wish I had the dog here. I'd like to take a look at the dog. You got to get like a little steeplechase going for him and teach him how to run it. Eventually. They're too busy pissing and shitting all over the place. Are they in the house? No, they're at my girlfriend's parents' house right now. That's where they eat mulch, dude. What are you doing? They're going to throw it up, man. Yeah, mulch fucks dogs up. I saw a dog drink a beer yesterday.

My my pop-up used to feed one dog bit more. They're gonna box or Churchill the bar. It's not good. It's not immediately looked it up It's like never give a dog alcohol dude It'll kill the dog my uncle had a boxer and it would hold it in its lap him and my pop-up would do it they grab a Budweiser and put the bottle in his mouth and it was go I Mean you would slam it dude

They're not built for it. They're not built for the brewskis. Yeah. What about like seltzers? This dog seemed built for the brewskis. Dude, I'm telling you, Churchill. The guy who owned it dyed its long hair on the side purple. That's sick. It was

It was crazy. Yeah, the dog's name was Churchill and he would just chug Budweiser's. Churchill lives in a box. I live down the street from my pop-up. I leave my cousin Pat's house every morning and run down to his house and chill there for the day. Yeah, he was getting slammed. He's probably half a brisky. I love when dogs just have their own life. Yeah, it's great. You know, like, oh, he comes around here.

They don't do that anymore. Nerfed up world, dude. I was free-ranging my dogs and they attacked two of us. I was like, ah, fuck. My dogs were literally... You're dead dogs now? I was free-ranging them in Texas. I was like, you know, let them just run, do their thing. And yeah, there was these huskies. Free-ranging them down in Texas. Yeah, they ran right up to them. I had to break it up. I was like, god damn it. Huskies in Texas? I know. I know. Who's the real criminal here? Yeah, for real. Who saved who?

True. You're a rescue dad. They won't ever imagine. I'm just looking for people in the parking lots, really. I'm not really worried about my dog. With Matilda and Jackson? Yeah, I should bring them. Sick them. It could be time for me to get a cat. Dude, what kind? I don't know. Tybalt was a good black cat. Yeah. Might get an orange boy. The internet's firing me up on them. Dude, the internet's nothing but sick cats, dude. Indoor, outdoor, city cat? Can't have an outdoor city cat. Dude, I had one.

It gave me, I think, a terrible disease, but I had one. Yeah, you can't have an outdoor city cat. Look at Cream Pod so fast. Yeah, that's what we need. We need that.

There's a new sheriff. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, if you get a cat, there's no reason not to get one. You gotta start memeing. Dogs are too high maintenance. You gotta start memeing Reggie and Stevie, dude. Dress them up. Get a cat, and when you're gone, just cryogenically freeze it. Put him in Cairo. I just asked the other day, does a mare still live in your house? Yeah. He's supposed to be his dickhead brother having parties. He had a birthday bash. Insane.

He's really enjoying himself. It's like, I think you should leave or... He had a birthday bash and he texted me about it. He was like, can I have a party? And I was like, no, dude. I was being a grumpus. I was like, no. I was like, why do you have to go to the house? Why can't you just go to a fucking bar for your birthday? Yeah, right. I actually said it sarcastically. I was like, yeah, you can have a party at my house instead of just going to a bar.

He was like, great, thank you. Did they fuck it up? No, I don't know. I thought me and my family were going to be down there for the Texas A&M game, but I had to stay here. It was probably a fucking R for R Austin. I had a cleaning lady come before we got down there to clean up La Mer's fucking slop. He thought I did that because of the party he had. He thought I hired a cleaning lady. He texted me. He was like, thanks for the cleaning lady, dude. I was dying cleaning it up.

Are you guys almost done working on the show or yeah, okay? We're done writing it. How's that filming? What how's it end? Oh, you're just you still have to make you still have to make it Holy shit, we're in the writers writers room. How many girls are in your writers room couple? Billy's not gonna like the show Never ends well, bro. Bill hates girls in the razor. I think it just be the guys I

I don't know what to tell you. Your hands are tied here. I don't know what to tell you. We did a table read, which was very fun. Yeah. We got to have everyone in the room. Cause when you're writing it, you're like, I don't know if this is funny. Well, it's not like I'm fucking writing it. It's literally John. Yeah. I show up every three days. I'm like, how's it going? This would be funny if this happened. Just weave through the script. That's pretty thick right there. It's looking good. Can you read this script? I'm like, yeah, for sure. That's awesome.

But then we did the table read. It was great. Kylo was in it. How long does that take? It's just four episodes of a show. How long does it take? So an hour and a half, two hours. Damn. It's like the show. Yeah, you read the whole show. But Kylo's line was to call Gerben a pedophile. And she's going through it like she couldn't find where she was. She got lost. And it was her turn to read. She was like, oh, fuck.

Will, you look like a pedophile. Big pop. Like Skylar Rules. That's awesome. It's been pretty neat. It's been such a wonderful experience. Back in Philly. Still no Topgolf. I've really enjoyed my time here in Philadelphia. We might not be able to chill with him. I've literally been begging you to go to Topgolf and you say we never go. But he's going to get hounded the whole time. I'm trying to do my sobriety. I hear you. I go to Topgolf and drink water like an animal. That's...

That's psychotic. Yeah, he just doesn't enjoy himself, bro. I love coming to Topgolf. It's so fun. Can we have some brewskis? Yes, please. There's a few light brewskis. There's Bud Light for fridge. Not right here, not now. What are some non-brewski activities? We can just dial up the phone. Topgolf. Vigis. Walks. Vigis. Lifting. Lifting. You could lift drunk. Nah. Don't give up, King. Uh.

You can do anything, but Topgolf is clearly a brewski activity. Yeah, that makes sense. No, that's fair. There's regular activities, and then there's clearly designed for brewski activities. No, Topgolf seems... Topgolf is a bar. Bill was telling me they get fucked up in real golf. I was surprised. Oh, people get fucking hammered. That's why every single dude loves golf. I didn't know this. Yeah, dudes get completely fucked up. Is that video of the fucking chick who hit the dude on the golf course? No. My buddy's friend saw it happen. This fucking girl comes on a Bronco and just hops up onto a golf course and...

nails this fucking golf cart. I seen that. It was in Deerfield, Delaware. Trump golfs. He doesn't drink. True. Never drinks because of his older brother. What happened to his older brother? He's a drunk? Died of drugs. Damn.

Trump's did the one interview about Kamala in the golf cart. It's a funny saying she's so fucking pathetic and barrens No, he's just driving somebody really filmed someone secretly film secretly film that hot like yeah, he's like she's so fucking pathetic 40 chess when dudes hit 30 it's time to hit the links and

Yeah, that's what Bill's like. Dude, you got to go. You just start. I've been out with the bros. You're outside for three hours driving golf carts. I like this. Yeah. I think golf, what it is, is you're spending hours creating an alibi to eventually split a hooker with your friend in the Poconos. Yeah, we're on a golf trip. You spend like 20 years. Your phones are together. You spend 20 years just doing this thing and eventually you're like, let's split a hooker. Check the metadata. We were together. Yeah.

It's the whole point of the game. I actually am jealous of my pals back home. Golfing. It is a good life. You don't have to be good. Work Monday through Friday, and there you go. It's Friday. Links. We're hitting the links. I'm jealous of everybody. I was talking about some dude. He was talking about some kind of how the team is so stacked.

And this guy's the best quarterback we've ever had. I'm going to say that until the Lord takes me from this plane. All this shit. I was just sitting there getting coffee being like, I wish I was this dude, man. What do you mean about loving the game? That was what I was on, man. Get on the Notre Dame train, dude. He's so fun. This is old, yeah? Yeah.

took it to the limit and I was in Miami with my new beach house well it was a couple minutes from it's been 20 years since then we haven't been too strong in the last few years oh we've been strong we're just playing by the rules you can't have a newcomer come in and steal a show

That's a great one. No, I get jealous of that, of like having like a team. Being in an office, you have like your team, your team leader. All day long, I'm like spinning out just in my own head for that reason. You need football. It's like I need, like this guy is literally like on the phone just chilling. The whole world is the fucking ball. You need football. You just need a...

Actually, it's tonight. Those thoughts get nuked by you. When I was like 21, it's all I did. I had fantasy and then it was hockey. Yes. And this was my fucking deal. Join a roller hockey team. It was Phillies just in case nothing was going on. Yeah.

I think the Chiefs-Ravens tonight. Is it? Kickoff, 820. Is that the first game? We're back. Is it the first game of the season? Now I have my college. Now I have my pro. Now it's Brewski season. Yeah. Gabe says the NFL is the only one. I was taking it easy. I was being sober. Now it's drinking time. What? Gabe says fucking NFL is the only real thing to watch.

Instead of college? Yeah. I'm kind of with him on that. Who, Gabriel? Yes. Did you see the Pete Rose thing? It's a pretty good one. What is it? It's a Netflix thing on Pete Rose. He had that gambling joke. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was throwing the games and stuff. No, he was betting on himself. He was betting on him. Well, that's what a champion does. You can bet on yourself. Although, I guess if you can't, well. It's Charlie Hustle, bro. He wasn't betting against himself. No, I agree. What the hell is the big deal about that?

There's definitely a few nights where they do a thorough scheme who get the fuck it's the middle of the season They kick him out of the Hall of Fame But his name lives on his name always yeah, always no Pete Rose fucking bullshit I didn't realize you like for the Super Bowl this year. I

Chargers is the first people to call my head. That's a rare, bro. NCAA? NCAA, who would win it? Who's winning it this year? Probably the Colorado Buffaloes. No, the Coach Prah. Don't fire me up. That one's lost to North Dakota State. I saw your spinal cord just...

Who would win the... You know what's cool? I took the Gamecocks a few years ago. I'm going to say Oregon. That's a good pick, man. Yeah, I would say Oregon. You like the Oregon Ducks this year. I do. I like the Ducks. I guess somebody's going to have to beat the Georgia Bulldogs. That's true. FSU is fucked, aren't they? FSU is absolutely fucked. What about Alabama? Are they not going to... Alabama will still be good. They'll be good, but they're not... Who's their head coach now? A guy from Washington, DeBoer or something. Motherfucker, DeBoer, yeah. Yeah. I heard they were going to give him headsets now because of that signal thing. Because Michigan stole... Yeah. Thieves. Yeah.

The quarterbacks, they don't have any headsets at all? College used to not have it. You have a microphone. It's time. Yeah, give it up. Give it to them. Who do you think is going to win? Who do I think? Yeah. I'll tell you what. When I saw those Georgia Bulldogs take the field, I said, those boys look different. Better than the Fightin's? They look better than the Fightin's. But we'll see. I mean, the Irish look tough, dude. The Irish look tough. Wow.

I still have a full-blown hex on all Temple sports. No, they're good. Rotten hell Temple sports. They won at Texas A&M. Stole my laptop. Yeah, true, true, true, true, true. Temple University will never win another championship as long as I'm on this earth. I think we can all agree. I think you're safe. Are they D1? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Stole my laptop when I was upstairs. I never would have thought. Temple was open against somebody tough this weekend.

I didn't think they were D1. Hopefully got rolled. It's basketball who I have a problem with, but it's just on the whole fucking place. Is Drexel D1? You know what happened when they stole my laptop? Temple opened against Oklahoma. Damn, dude. 51 to 3. Ooh! You know what happened? That's fucked up. They got that field goal. They stole my laptop. A year later, they're losing all the funding for their sports. Had to fucking close up softball, lacrosse. You lost a laptop. You little hunter. My laptop from hell. Yeah.

I remember I point manned. I did a little law work on that case as well. That was my representation here. I point manned a little bit. Dalton. I was a little more... I was double undercover, actually. Dude, you're still my counsel, but I might have to just...

You literally openly admit to doing a crime in the beginning of the episode. Fixer. I'm more of a fixer. You ran a red light. Yeah, I did not. You said I ran a red light. You said I blew through a red light, beat my horn. You said you're weird. In case I need you. True. Edit it out, Sean. Edit it out that I said I ran the red light. Mine was purely theoretical from the legal code books. I'll fight like hell.

Will you really? Yeah. He's a bulldog. True. It's the only place I feel at home anymore hanging out with you guys. It's true. I'll fight like hell for you guys. You mean it? Yeah. I'll fight like fucking hell for you guys. What kind of wings do you want to get for real?

I don't know. Let's go somewhere near helium. Something nice. I just hope that they have them and it's not the same situation. No, they got that. I took the wind out of my sails. He knows where the wings are. Did you see the thing that... I've been fasting all day, by the way. Have you really? Yeah. I've been slightly fasting. I've had a nice little gay day. I try to lose weight. I gain weight so fast. Bro, you ate Antonio's. I had Antonio's. Dude, ever since I... Spade got a legendary new fucking... It's official sponsor. Fucking...

Antonio's Deleon Lancaster Ave I told him for weeks bro that place looks like go in never did got Grubhub it's awesome I got locked in classic Italian dude I thought I figured it out and I was going to be 181 for the rest of my life

I stopped, like, paying attention. Two weeks later, I'm like 190. I was like, what the fuck happened? I'd kill for those numbers. I fucking flew up. Airbnb at Texas A&M had a scale. Hello, North. It's my old friend. Undertaker's TV. I was like, yeah, let's give it a shot. It's got to be that. I went, oh. I did the same thing. I was like, I can eat whatever I want. I popped on. I was like, god, fuck. You got, you only weigh yourself first thing in the morning. I'm going to trim down for season two of Ties. Yeah.

First thing in the morning after a piss. That's the only true weight you got, bro. Yeah, I know. Anything else, it's fucked. No, I did hit a midday. Had a couple of brewskis. Step on the scale. That's a tough time to get up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Step on the scale. Don't feel a certain way.

You'd be surprised how much water weight's in your body when you get a good lymph massage, bro. Spade fucked it. I'm telling you. See how much jizz was inside you? The old jack jack. You use a quart of jizz every time you lymph. I'm telling you, it's so important. It's totally overlooked. The lymphatic system. All you're saying is that your balls are nose. You ever see those videos, like porno videos, where the dude's balls go up on the side of his neck, dude? You ever see this? I just saw this. I always thought they were like steroid nuts. What do you mean?

Like dudes are fucking, but then their balls like go on the side. Oh yeah. That's classic. They're like steroid nuts for some reason. They look like, uh, whatchamacallit, Starlink. It's the first time I saw it. It's like a plane. It was one of my first beats. Busting out my body. It's like landing gear. Yeah. Yeah. Bro, Spade fucked me up with this fact. How much do you think clouds weigh? Whoa. Aren't they heavy as fuck? 1.1 million pounds on average.

Some cloud, yeah. Huge, bro. Me and my father had a good cloud debate. Really? On the plane. I was like, what the fuck are clouds? Water. I stare at them all the time. They're far out looking now. What the fuck are they? And my dad was like, they're frozen. And then I looked it up. It's like Biden. I was like, Phil, you're kind of right. Yeah. It's just frozen water. Good thing O'Connor wasn't on that plane. I was like, how come they don't fucking break when we go through them if they're frozen? It was like,

They do shake the plane up a little bit. They do. It's funny. I know that. Although he gets pissed off. He's like. Me and Bill started talking about this. Me and Bill like stopped believing in gravity. Yeah. But then if the plane, if the clouds are a million pounds, what's gravity? Yeah.

Yeah. Are they water vapors or something? It's a density issue. I think it's water vapor and then it gets so high in the atmosphere it freezes. Yeah. That's also my fucking... Why the fuck don't they break when you fly through them? It should shatter. That would be pretty sick. Yeah. I have the same argument with Spade. Like, fucking... I did... Yeah, talk to a halo genre, dude. I did reconsider my theory on...

the global floods, maybe there's some water that's up in the atmosphere, but how is sea level going to rise? If like you got a glass of water and you have ice in it, it doesn't go over the top. All the ice that's on the planet is up there. If they melt, it doesn't matter. How's it going to go up? It's already as fucking high as it's going to get. You know what I mean? Look,

I was just struggling with clouds, so I'm not going to criticize. Think about that. What if the ice was sitting above the water? Exactly. And then when it's out of the water. Ice cubes do, too. It's still in the fucking water. No, it's out of the... They sit in. Some ice cubes sit above the water. Then the water would rise. Did you ever get into North Pole conspiracies? Yes, dude. Big time. It's called the Black Rock. Yeah, dude. Mount Negron. You can't go... Nate told me about this. You can't, like...

Nobody can go there. There's no imaging. If you Google image the North Pole, it's just like, there's nothing. You can't like zoom in on it. It's totally restricted. What do they call the Negra something? Mount Negra. Mount Negra. Now we're talking. Whoa. That's racist. Not playing by the rules. But it's all, it translates to Black Rock. Yeah, you can't, you literally can't like go near it. Nobody can go anywhere near the North Pole. And they don't give a fuck about the other ones. It's the most

They all have dibs on the South Pole. They have documentaries about the South Pole. Russia. The South Pole is so teeny tiny, though. I think you got these backwards. Okay, I might be getting confused. Antarctica is huge, bro. The ice wall. One's huge. Which one's off limits? The South Pole, I think, is off limits. Is that because that's where they're filming True Detective 4? Yeah. North Pole is like this magical place where Santa is. Think about it. Where are the penguins? Where are the penguins? Are they in Antarctica? Where are the polar bears?

Antarctica. Nope. They're not? Where are the polar bears? They don't hang out with the penguins. North Pole. They're in the North Pole? Yeah. Damn. Did you see that one video of the albino one? They don't even hang out with penguins. That's kind of crazy. There was this albino grizzly bear, and they kept catching him because they thought he was a lost polar bear, and they kept sending him up there, but he was just an albino grizzly bear. He just wouldn't walk back. He kept trying to get back, and it happened like four times, the same bear. You ever see a real shitty bear come out of that? Never mind. The what? I'll show you this good shitty bear.

What, the one coming out of hibernation? That's amazing. That's all the bears coming out of hibernation. They're all fucked up. I wish we hibernated. It'd be so sweet. Imagine once a year you come out of the cave and all your boys are like, we're back. That'd be awesome. Going into hibernation. If you had a big night in the cave and you're like, alright dude, we're going out. Oh my god, he's a total bedhead.

Dude, that's great. Don't talk to me unless I got my coffee. You got a total bedhead.

That's Winnie the Pooh, bro. That's Spade after a few Dreamwells, bro. He's been doing drugs. Spade's been doing drugs. What you been up to? They have this shit called... Gas station drugs. They got this shit you can get on Amazon called a Dreamwell. What is it? So like it's a sleep aid. So I was like, first of all, I started vaping, which is a bad idea. Yeah, yeah. Keeps me up all night. So then I started drinking these Dreamwells, but you're only supposed to have one, but I ripped like three of these things. What's in it though?

It's all natural shit and I think five milligrams of melatonin. A very small amount of melatonin. But dude, give 15. You did 15. Dude, I'll be chilling watching TV and I'm awake, but I'm like, dude, I'm starting to get fucked up. Dude, that stuff's uncomfortable when it kicks in. It's like lemon balm.

Um, and all sorts of shit. But I sleep like a baby. You have thoughts that are not, I start going to sleep and getting spooked out cause I'm having dream thoughts, but my eyes are awake. Yeah. Whenever I take melatonin, I'll be like, I'm just going to read a book and I'm like, shit's not even working. I'll go to like put a book down. I'm like, Oh, my arms heavy as fuck. Yeah. I do like audio books on like world war two or like mescaline. And it's like, I fucking wake up and the book's finished.

Yeah. No idea what happened. Listen to Rogan while I fall asleep. That motherfucker will be right in your dreams. Oh, yeah. Rogan's always in my dreams. What do you mean you didn't bring the podcast? I was like, I thought you fucking brought it. Joe, what do you mean? Did you fall asleep to Rogan? I fell asleep, right? And I was on the Dreamwells and on my YouTube was going into him and Action Bronson working out. And then that was like in my dream.

And they're like doing fucking... And Rogan in the video goes, you're just fat because of pasta. And then in my dream it was like, you're fat because of pasta. Pasta's so good though. I saw a Trump fucking tweet and I woke up in my head just kept saying many such cases. Many such cases. Perfectly normal kid goes to the doctor, gets vaccine, comes out with autism, many such cases. Yeah.

Every morning I woke up to it. Is that when he talked to RFK and they leaked the phone call? No, that's just a random ass fucking thing. But I'm going down Virginia way. Why are you going down Virginia way? He's going in the CIA gateway process. Oh yeah, you're doing the Monroe Institute. What is that? They play fucking binaural beats and it syncs your brain waves like men are Sarah Gooch. He could travel through consciousness. What are you going to be able to read minds? Remote viewing. Eat wings. Nope. Try again. That was a good guess.

You're me naked. Close. Keep going. What am I doing to you while you're naked? Fondling me. Nope. I'm going to come in you. Yes. Get a remote view. That was good of you. Try again. I can't say that out loud. Try it again. I can't say that. No, I was talking about, I was thinking about cream pie and spud. Yo, Matt, I've got to go see Jones live. Dude, go with him. Where? Talk. Reading PA. Oh, that'll be nice. Talk to Jones. 23rd.

Get him backstage. I'm already fourth round. What are you doing? Is it a Saturday? That'll be nice. What is it? Huh? What day is it? I don't know. I'm coming back for him. I spurg balled it under Dreamwells. I was like, I'm going to see Alex Trevino.

You do Airbnbs. That'll be good. Oh, yeah. It might be weird, though. I've been in a couple of these things where I'm like, well, yeah, we went to Peterson the one time. That was kind of uncomfortable. I thought it was good. We went a while back and it was like, but we were way too close. It was good when he talked. We were right up front and it was just like Ruben and then the crowd work was getting me weird where it was like,

Are you fucking all Republicans? But Jones is probably going to be like in Redding. They're going to fucking roar. Jones will crush. He's going to be a lion. He's a lion. I could do it, but that's it. See, these are the type of cool things I'm trying to avoid during the week. Why? It's not the week. What day is it? Bill, he's working. The 23rd. He's got a TV show to make. September 23rd. Bro. He's got a TV show to make. I'll be in Toronto. On a Monday? No, I'm there that Saturday. Sunday, I'll be coming back from Toronto. Go to Redding. I'm going to put you on to the type two cannabis.

I'm all about it right now. They make, now they sell. Is it illegal? Can you fly with it? It's totally legal. Yeah, I do. But they, they, they're starting, they're starting to dial it back down now. They're starting to dial it back down now where you can get weed that's low THC. This is the kind of weed I can smoke. It's George Washington weed, dude. You can literally smoke a joint of it and you're,

chilling. This is what I've been asking for. I'm telling you, dude, and you can get it legal because they measure it in THCA. Last time I took one hit of weed, I had to have him come pick me up. Bro, you could blaze the George Washington and just chill. Don't smoke the George Washington. I'm telling you. Drink the brewskis. No, dude. You can just die now. You can just take a few days off the brewskis. Just fucking die. George Washington, dude. When we went out the other day, I had the data on my sleep. I wanted a third beer so bad, and I was going to be like, Bill, can I have one more?

But then I was like, no, I'm a known sitter. What are the George Washington activities? What do you do? Anything you want. You could chill. That could be. He was a surveyor. That's what I'm saying. For Jones, you could blaze to George Washington and go to Jones. That's not really a brewski activity. The Jones. Getting hammered. You're not going to fucking think about the speech. You're just going to be in there going, oh, Leepo.

And then like the alcohol wears off, you're driving all the way home. I could just be like, what the fuck? Yeah, true. If we, if I go to Reading with you, we're getting a hotel. That's a slumber party with the other freaks in the hotel. What's up brother? You guys noticed that the shooter was trans? That's a meetup, dude. That's the ultimate meetup.

Tony, do you guys start puffing? Just try puffing the George Washington. I brought like... Is that like the name of the... I call it George Washington. I mean, dude. Dude, it's... TM that. I will. I should. You can just fucking die now. Like, you're good.

What's my favorite part of Anarchapoco? The yellow guy just sitting there in his death pants. Just fucking die. I'll take care of you. I'll take care of the kids. Just die. He's like, alright, see you later. Can you get my Bitcoin out of my... That was a flopped up one. That was good though. That was like one of those movies where you watch it again and you're like, oh yeah, that's coming. Every single scene, the guy's like, woo! I'll never ever die!

The guy was housing liquor. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. He freed himself from the Matrix, obviously. Liquor is the fucking legit serious. Beer...

You'd have to. You work your way up, though. Yeah. Did you see the Tate tweet where he talks about how he lives in a house that's like no gay stuff at all? It's just work. No, it's just work. He's making an instruction or comeback where he's like, dude, my house is just a podcast studio. Same place I lay down. No, he goes, no gay stuff. No, like statues. No artwork. He's like, it's just work 24-7.

He's podcasting. There's a funny thing to be like, what do you have a picture in your house? There's a picture of Andrew Tate on a fucking couch. It literally looks like he has no cock and balls. That's great. Yeah. Andrew Tate. He's in his speedo. What are you guys turning on Tate? No, I mean, I've never gotten too hard about the guy. Ike was saying that he's a fucking sex trafficker. Sex trafficker. Ike's not with him. It's no good.

Sorry. But Ike's the guy. Ike's, yeah, obviously. Who's better, Ike or Jones? I was about to ask the same question. Jones is more of an entertainer. Jones is also in a watch. Ike is the god. You know what I mean? He came first. Jones is a prophet. It's like trying to compare Jesus and Moses. Yeah. I'm not getting into any who's the best. Jesus by a mile. True. All right, you got a fucking crush on guitar? Cry babies, dude. Do it back, Daryl.

Dude, fucking Panthera blows. Ike's probably more of a Noah. I can't understand what you're saying. They got mad because I was saying who my favorite guitarists were. He's in the comments, babe. I saw one. You're online, bro. It's that water in Lord of the Rings when they're going to fucking Mordor. You look in and you see the one dead person like,

You suck. You just fall into the water. I'm trying to fight my way out. How do you figure that, actually? Yeah. The elves from the high age. There's another guy who comes up like, yeah, you're fat and gay. Dude, you need to gain weight. You're actually fat. You need Samwise to pull you out. And you're like,

Gamgee's a white dude for Harris right now Who is? White dude for Harris Gamgee Who's Gamgee? Sam White's Gamgee He's a white dude for Harris? Yes Fuck Rudy's a white dude for Harris He's a big Hollywood guy White dude Never forget he was on Goonies with Steven Spielberg God knows what that motherfucker's up to Yeah I still can't wrap my head around the whole appeal What whole appeal?

She's a kick-ass woman. Ben Stiller already talked about it. I don't see... They got a lot of momentum, Matt. Come on. Just feel the change happening. It's going to be great. It's real. It's about joy. Could you let it in? It's true, dude. That was nice. Joy! Do you watch it? They have a Nazi slogan. It's one of their fucking things. Joy! Freedom of bread? One of Kamala Harris' slogans is literally a Nazi slogan. What is it? It's like joy with something. I forget what the fuck it's called. I don't know.

Oprah came out and said it. Oprah went, joy. Really? She did one of those? Dude, Lowry was... She's fucking with John of God. John of God, yeah. What's the problem? John of God's the guy who ran a trafficking thing in Brazil and then went to jail for it. Oprah was like, oh, he's the best. He's my magic man. He's like this dude that hypnotizes people. Cut your eyeball open. He can put a needle in your eye and the people don't even freak the fuck out. Why would he do this? He's like some kind of a healer. And it's Oprah's bro? So Oprah had him on. Yeah, they were like boys.

What did the guy do? He was like a religious. He called him John of God. But then I think he was trying to make babies with little girls. Strength through joy. That's a Nazi thing? It's a Nazi thing, yeah. Oh, wow. Interesting. What are you going to do?

i'll be curious man sometimes we're just in the matrix honestly it's just weird to me that people are for real like being like nah dude she's chill yeah you rape someone if you're saying that i did on the drive here i i saw a nice kamala next to a ukraine flag yeah it's just very funny i'm on medication the joy people their party line is like we need the war in russia also

Get this Indian black joke in, please. Yeah, it's... It's like, why don't we slow down on wars? Yeah, dude, the wars are... Have you ever seen any of these videos? I watched a guy, his whole bottom half was out, but his butt was pulsing. It was trying to shit. And he was still awake. He was like, oh, no. He's like throbbing. And they're like...

Fucking $75 drones that just drop dirty bombs on them. That's what I'm saying. Dude, these guys. They throw the kid with Down syndrome in the fucking trenches. We got to stop the violence. Yeah, true. Hashtag stop the violence. John Lennon got killed talking like that, bro. Please stop.

And stop being mean on the news. They're also really mean on the news. Stop being nasty on the news. Yeah, fucking your boy. Who's your boy from Star Wars? My boy, Mark Hamill. Mark Hamill sitting there talking about it. Luke Skywalker, brother. Nothing hurts more than this, bro. Skywalker being down from the top of the mountain. Skywalker was always a fucking turd. Yeah, you know. Even when I was a young man, I was a solo boy. He never turned into anything else. He just does voices for video games.

He just sit there on like... He's a damn... He's a hard damn... Yeah, he's like... There's a picture of like some thing. He's obsessed with Trump's dick. I swear, yeah. He's too small. He bangs Stormy Daniels. Mark Hamill. Mark Hamill's probably like my size. Why is Mark Hamill Trump's dick? They're obsessed with his penis. They're obsessed with dicks, dude. They're obsessed with the way Trump looks, but you can't say anything about the way they look. Or else they'll freak. Yeah, true. They'll hate when you... Tell you what, I watched that DeChambeau thing. That motherfucking can't golf. Trump's good at shit. They used some of Trump's shots.

Trump's very good at golf. Matt, there's a video where he's golfing with a pro golfer. You don't think Biden's a better golfer than him? Bro, did you see Biden coming out of the tiny desk? Shouldn't have brought up that fucker, Bod. Did you see Biden come out? On what? He just came out in a little tiny desk.

He did a tiny desk. No, no, no, no, no. He just came out in a small ass desk and started like talking. Hey folks. Did a fireside chat. Dude, he's so gone. It's insane. Dude, they started asking questions and he just moved like really slow to try to avoid it and then to get him out of the room. Yeah. They just like, Mr. President, what do you think about your son? And just...

All right. All right. They said I can't answer questions. Back into the liquid tank. It is crazy. I'm thinking about it because like we don't have a president right now. You see the Trump mosquitoes? Yes. That was nice. Wait, what was that? We hate mosquitoes. A mosquito flew in his face. Mosquitoes. We don't like mosquitoes. We don't want them anywhere around. Mosquitoes. Democrats who like mosquitoes.

Oh my God. You see that hit piece they did on Trump where they're like, he's got PTSD and all he talks about is how he was shot. All he does is sit at home and rewatch the footage of him getting shot at. Yeah, almost dying. Yeah. That's crazy. They're trying to pull this thing like he's not fit for it. It's nuts how hard that faded. That faded so fast. Joy took it over, bro. Now you know what took it over? Hawk Tua. Hawk Tua, yeah. Hawk Tua had more Google searches than Trump's assassination. Even Hawk Tua was before Trump's assassination. Anybody can fall.

First of all, she doesn't want to go by that anymore. You guys should get her on. That was way before Trump. We don't put celebs on, bro. Who's the other Paul? Jake Paul just signed her to his company.

They're getting signed, bro. Where's the mother at? Bill's got the handout. Russia. Let me see your phone. I got to see your screen. Russia. You're the MSSP umbrella, dude. You're taking care of it. Russia. We'll carry you. More. I'll get you some wings tonight. I don't...

Split wings your compensation. Thank you very much chicken wings. It's all Bruce. You have to have a couple bruce's I'm a few dumb. I am too many. You know that feeling you had at their five days. I like that I'm like the end. That's a fucking good. I hate dude. I Feel good. I could believe I do feeling hungover so much I think about how good Matt must feel because he also isn't addicted to coffee. I

Yeah. So it's like Matt's just on body. Colby's too nice, especially with the fall coming around. With the fall. This is my season. I still stay cold brew, dude. Yeah. I stay cold brew too. You're a cold ass motherfucker, bro. It's icy, dude. It's not hot. Ice man. I'm telling you. You guys obviously won't do this, but you can still drink coffee and start dialing down the caffeine by doing a blend of

Decaf. Yeah, no problem. I'm not really ready to give up coffee, but I mean... You feel... Spade rips caffeine. I push all these little drugs, I push them to the limit. Do you get super tired? Do you get super... What? 600 milligrams. I've seen him fucking take that. Do you get really tired in the afternoon? Is it just like completely... I just had... Dude, you never sleep. I know. I know. This never shuts off. And then it...

Then it does. Your aura world does not make sense. Like the window blow and then there'll be no thoughts. And then I'm like, I want to get wings. And then that'll be like the fucking thing for like a while. Hell yeah. Just a balloon that's getting fucking breezed everywhere by the wind. It's kind of nice. It's like a storm and then it's like, shh, wings.

Like in the fall, this is my time because like I like to wear hoodies. I don't have to worry about the sweating. Yeah, having a hot beverage in the fall. Sweating pants, yeah. I love it. I wish you guys liked football. I'm hot all the way through. You have no idea how nice this is. Yeah, true. It's football time. I know. I wish I, I've tried to watch it. I just don't. I can watch it. I just, I can't get that into it. It's the best. I like, if you're chilling or watching the football, I get into it. My God, that's fucking sick. But you know.

I got PTSD. So excited. All you do is watch your old tapes. Yeah. That's all counting. Do you have any of your old tapes? Hell no.

I didn't make a highlight tape or anything. I had a couple brewskis and asked one of my boys for a high school tape last night. Dude, please put it up. That might hit a million views. If I hit it. Your highlight tape in high school? Did you make a highlight tape? Hell yeah. He got fucking recruited. And you didn't? No, dude. Fucking. He wasn't trying to play college ball. He was a bad boy on the team too. Sleazy Adam would not pass the ball, brother. Problem with coach.

Problem with coach. Shut up, coach. There's a lot of politics in high school. It's crazy. You know? People who didn't play always blame the coach. I played fucking both ways. Why'd I quit? I watched a black dude run a 4-3-40 and I was like, alright. Were you only playing football to go to the league? No. So who cares? I stopped playing in college. What do you want me to do? Play fucking D3 in college? You could have. Fuck that. I thought you didn't play your senior year. Yes, I did. Oh, never mind.

Come on, bro. You should have said this. I think I'd leave the guys behind like that. I thought you did. Hell no. Oh, my bad. No, he's not Walls, man. This whole time, I thought you quit after your junior year. Does that change things? Junior year, one state title. Changes things entirely. Junior year, one state title. This is the state. At the end of our senior year. This whole time, I thought you were for real gay, Bill. No. Saying the state with Delaware is crazy, dude. What? Yeah. Well, is it a state? Yeah. It's a state, but I mean. So it's a state championship. That's how you still encounter. Damn. I got to watch that live. Is this the original music? Yeah.

No, this isn't his holiday. This is just guys from Notre Dame. The naked guy Shane was looking at. No, I did not see his penis. Okay. They just take their pants off. They don't even give a fuck. It's crazy to be that decent. Did they do that to you in college? They knew I was straight. They could tell I was a straight man just by looking at me. They said, we can take our penis off. You should just tighten your lips when they pull their pants down. The first time a guy took his pants off, I went...

Just like this, the next guy. Ooh. Down. It's a good game. Don't be shy. Ding dong. Ring the bell, son. We should probably do this. Yeah, I got to fart. Matt has to do a show. Oh, yeah. Shit. My bad. Yeah.

I could buy tickets, but I sold them. I got to perform for my mommy and daddy. They're coming to the early show. That's crazy. What time is the early show? Seven something. I should probably get ready. I'm having like poop cramps. Do you ever when you have to poop and you get like a weird cramp? Oh, yeah, dude. Go upstairs to my third floor. I got the good boy up there. He has a royal toilet upstairs. It could just be gas panes. Oh, just have a safety call. I didn't eat all day and then I wolfed down a bunch of food. Fart with the safety on. Roll around on the ground. Yeah, I'll try it.

I'll try. No, I'm like, I want you. Don't ship us actual, please, for a love of God. I mean, you have a dog diaper. I need a dog diaper. It is a washable couch. You can wash any section of the one. It's really great if you actually need that. Those dog diapers are like manhood Canada. Like, for real, that's hot. I know.

Well, let's do it. It kind of reminds me of the monkeys that go like this. Yeah. There's a rat for the fucking boy. I won't put it on Reggie. I'm not cutting his balls off either. That's good. You should have him sire a litter, dude. I know. I would. True. Get paid. You could have 50 Pomeranians. Not here. You could be the king of the Pomeranians. No, no.

Imagine walking and you couldn't not step on them. The lady I got them from has 15 in her house. Damn. Must smell weird. In Arizona way. They gave me a fucking ticket there. 310th? What? Yeah, I think we were. What's that highway? What's that highway that goes from... Let him go. Oh, stop. Oh, it hurts. Oh, stop. Stop.

Well, actually, you gotta work clockwise. That's what she's doing, dude. Dude, I've got a vicious fart cramp. Get it in the mic. Put the mic down. The boy's back in town. What is going on? Dude, he's in pain, bro. Get that mic down. Stand up!

I can't, dude. It hurts. Stand up. Oh, fuck. Right into the microphone like a man. Do you ever see little kids get this? This is hilarious. This is going to be a dump, dude. It's going to be like that guy in yoga. Hold on. You're going to have to wash that mic. Be careful now. Bro, pause. I have to work it out, dude. This is like little kids, dude. This is hilarious. I have to just take a shit. I can't. Work it out the other way. This is your brother. You're asking his face. I just... I can't even stand, dude. It hurts. All right.

Let's wrap it. You're not going to bless us? There's no fart. It's like for real. It's just pain. I would fart. If this was a hard fart, I would let it out.