Ep 478 - Gone Boy (feat. Jon DelCollo)
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is that nocta no this is not nocta but that's a fair guess i know you you do know me thank you john del calo's here hot start thanks for having me fellas john look at that look at this i didn't even notice your fucking drip dude you like it you probably don't i like it yeah nice these are the perfect airport pants what you got you can dump you can dump oh yeah are they neat what did you get hot in the airport you're going to take them off

They're just double layered. You for real should zip those off going through TSA.

True. Put them in the container. You could probably take your dick out on TSA, Mick. I didn't know. I thought you had to strip down. There's so many zippers on this thing, dude. I don't know. Get in the fucking scanner thing and just take your pants all the way down. You're so serving, right? Yeah, you could easily. Trying to comply. There's just so many rules here I always forget. Then they'd find out. They'd be like, I'm looking at your schedule. You fly every single week. You've been pulling your dick out on TSA every single week. It'd be a good way to seek revenge on them. It'd be so funny.

Yeah, like when I got random the other day, I should just like, all right, my bad. So I took my pants off. Well, I don't know. I didn't I didn't really shower this morning. So get in there, boys. It's gonna be rough. What do they do to you for the rando? Nothing. They just put me through the fucking scanner. I have TSA pre-check. So they put me. Oh, yeah. They like didn't let me go through the metal detector. Pre-check. You're allowed to go through metal detector. Yeah, that's pretty nice. Unless you get scanned. Then you get. Well, if you get it. Yeah. Yeah. Randomized. They'll like toss you through there. Might be the most lazy thing I've done in my life is still not get TSA. Yeah.

Really? I would still haven't got it. I fly every fucking week. Yeah. Multiple times a week. Yeah. I would never do. Brittany literally picked me up and was like, just go in this building. I'm like, I don't have time for this. You also never need it. You never need it. In Philly you do. Philly. Yeah. I don't know. Philly is shit. I just like going. I like going just to the metal detector. Yeah, of course. That's the best part. Yeah. So it is nice. But every time, every time I think about getting it, I'm like, I've never, I've never

- Yeah. - I've never needed it. - You can't just do it online, you have to show up to an office and get approved. - That's how Clear gets you. - Yeah, Clear lets you at the airport. - You want Clear, you're like, "I'm here early, I'll sign up." How much is it? They're like, "$900 a month." That's fine, I'll just cancel after the 30 days. - Is it that expensive? - It actually is expensive. - Really? - Pre-checks only like 80 bucks for five years, right? - It's not $900 a month, obviously, Sean. Thank you. Wow, you wanted to get the facts straight, I understand. - You are the lifeblood of the truth of this podcast, Sean. You and LaMare.

Although, LaMare has a tenuous relationship with the truth. LaMare, wait. You got to tell them how. I'm sorry, LaMare. Why does LaMare fib? No. I was going to say, he's a fool by the documentary. Oh, yeah. But you went to jujitsu yesterday, right?

Yeah, I went to 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu. Yes. It was pretty fun. I saw Justin Gaethje there. I had to act like I didn't see him. That's awesome. Really? It was pretty cool. Yeah, I was like, oh, fuck. Seeing Gaethje is neat. Yeah. And then especially you get to train in front of him. Yeah. Did you try to catch? No, no, no. He was on the other side. He was kickboxing. Fuck. You should have got over there and fucking said, what's good, dude? What's good, Gaethje? Say, you're the real BMF. Yeah. You're the black motherfucker. Yeah.

The real BMF. The real BMF. What are you doing there? Was that your first time? This gym, it was just basically like training, rolling and stuff. Yeah, I didn't know anything. I would like to see that. I was delighted upon your arrival when you came back because before you left, the confidence threw the roof. Yeah. But he was going to, he was like, I'm going to 10th Planet and then I walk outside, he's smoking a blunt. Yeah.

And I was like, LeMahieu, you can't smoke a blunt before your big training. And he was like, here's what's going to happen. He goes, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to go in there. They're going to put me in a beginner's class. I'm going to fucking tap like two or three people. They're going to move me up to the thing. They're going to go, you're actually a white belt or maybe even a blue belt.

You said those exact words. I didn't say I would tap everybody. You said one strike. You told me you were going to tap a couple people. I said I'd tap one guy. You said you were going to tap one or two people. I'd get one guy. You said one or two. I didn't get anybody. I said one guy. You said one or two. I'm certain of it. No, dude. One guy. It was for sure one guy. Did you end up catching a body? No bodies, dude. Zero bodies. Zero bodies. Were you caught?

I got caught at the end of each round, though. There was like 10 seconds left, and I'm like, fucking dude, I'm tired. You tapped him with 10 seconds? I didn't even know. I didn't know. I was just not breathing. There was times I was like, I can't fucking breathe right now. And I had to just like, yeah. That's a reason to tap, though. Yeah. I didn't tap when I couldn't fucking breathe. You just tapped yourself like, I'm out. Yeah, just jogging. I tried to tap before it started to hurt for real. You know, like the...

I know. I know. Yeah. I am. I know you talk about it, but I am a one strike wipeout. Yeah. If you surpass me, then you can do security detail for me. Yeah.

Can I buy a day pass to wrestle you tomorrow? Can we just go in there and wrestle each other? I want to wrestle you. Lemaire is nasty. Is he scrappy? He'll fuck you up. We can move the table right now. Lemaire is strong, but also he would wrestle the fuck out of you. Does he have experience? He's failed out of three different... He's tried three different jiu-jitsu trials. Did you ever get tech-failed by your own best friend in grade school?

What'd you say? I'm sorry. I got tech fold. Oh, wait, you wrestled. Yeah, I got some experience. He's got some actual experience. Yeah, I know what I'm doing. I don't have any. I did wrestling for a week and I quit. I'm here for a few days. I think we should get on the mat. You guys should. Whoa, John with some scary confidence here. We got to bring Greco Roman back. This Brazilian bullshit. Yeah, none of that Brazilian shit.

I think it is. I think the jiu-jitsu stuff's getting dominated a little. The fucking white Muslims have saved us. They're just mauling these fucking Brazilian dudes. It used to be scary when you saw a Brazilian coming out of the tunnel. Now it's... Oh, yeah. Those guys just get tossed around a little. Yeah, yesterday's queijo. What's that? Yesterday's queijo. Oh, yeah, of course. That's Portuguese. I know.

But yeah, they're not as scary anymore. They're not as scary. The Gracies were scary. Yeah, because they were the only ones that knew what the fuck they were doing. And then the dudes came down from the Caucasus Mountains. And then the Caucasus Mountains came down and, yeah, started butt-fucking everybody. Now we need Bo Nichols to save us. We need a white hero. True. Just a good Christian white. We do. None of these fucking Muslim whites. You know what I mean, John? Do you think I could take Le Maire?

Dude, I'm telling you. I swear to you. I don't know, man. Although you're a dad now. He has dad strength. It just happens, right? I haven't tested it, but I'm assuming I can lift a car now. I think both of you, the endurance is going to be an issue. Yeah. We're going to have to take five-minute breaks between one-minute rounds for sure. If we move this table, you guys could get into Greco-Roman positioning and just do a quick drill. I'll have to unzip my pants into shorts. Would you actually be open to something like that?

Because I would never. If I was on a podcast, I would never do that. No. But you would be. Would you consider it? Here. Yes. No. Okay. This has to be in a sanctioned. We need a ref. I hear you. I need points. Yeah, Gardini can ref. Gardini knows the game. Yeah, I can ref for you guys if you want to wrestle right now. Yeah, he was a wrestler. You think I can take him? I think Gardini's good at wrestling. I know, but I've.

100 pounds on them. I'll give you that. What's your experience with wrestling? Up to seventh grade. Oh, no. God damn it, John.

I still recall a lot of the moves. True. The fight's still in you. Yeah, it's muscle memory. Go, dog. Tell them what song you used to walk out on the mat to. That'll strike fear out. I used to walk out to Ain't No Grave by Johnny Cash. Damn, they didn't even let me have music when I walked out. True. You gotta earn it. They actually turned the lights out and everybody left. I like the fight in you, though.

Oh, yeah, the confidence. I think I could. How much do you weigh? We might have to do a hell in the cell right here. I know. My weight will not be an advantage with LeMair, so I'll need to use my cunning and my wrestling memory. Do I have enough cunning? LeMair, are you sore right now, though, from yesterday? Yeah. Yeah, you might get it now. He's recovering. All right, yeah. Tomorrow's the day, then. I'm going to that gym with you. 10th Planet.

yeah are they will they let a guy like me walk in there oh yeah give them fucking let the mayor walk if you tell me if a score to settle with the mayor don't for sure all right the mayor i would love to see you oh man that would have been so fun to see you in there it wasn't that bad no i know but like taking instructions oh yes that's yeah that doesn't seem like something you would do he seems not the kind of guy that would just go to a gym by himself and start

feeling up guys this is exactly who lamaris that's awesome he would go i can do that i'm gonna do that and then he'll come home and go i'm never gonna do that i got he does try he gives it he gives it a try do you think you're ever gonna go back uh yeah i gotta go back i got one more free trial on thursday that's it yeah all right thursday's the day okay i'll start my free trial on thursday dude it was too expensive they don't know this it's too expensive for me

Well, it's too expensive for me, too. I'm a day pass guy. How much is it a month? It was like, for Unlimited, it was like $210 a month. That's brutal. If you talk like this, somebody's going to listen to this and give you free jiu-jitsu in Austin. You might get a scholarship, dude. You might get a motherfucking scholarship. You might get a jiu-jitsu scholarship.

I would love a Jiu-Jitsu scholarship. I don't know if I want you doing this. The confidence is already too high. If you actually have a day of training behind you, you're going to be like, yeah, I'm the best. No way, dude. I'm going to be humble. It already came out in your UFC 5. You were good. Me and him played. You could tell he had some training. He knew what he was doing. Is he learning most of his shit from the video game?

I don't think he's learned anything other than from video games. I swear to God. I don't think he was good in school. I don't think he's read a book. You think he's a creative player? Lemaire is somebody's creative player, for sure. That is what I make my creative players look like. I make Lemaire in almost every UFC game. It's an easy character to make. True.

or uh don't call it have you been playing a lot of video games no i haven't played video games in years really yeah do you play video games no what do you do in your spare time i look at my phone for eight hours a day nice and then i sleep for nine hours a day and i hold a baby for a couple hours nice

It's a fucking chill-ass time. Yeah, it's pretty sick. I was thinking about getting back into video games, though. I'll tell you, you get a little older. They're not as... I mean, I try. You saw me yesterday. I was trying my hardest. I'm trying to get into the games like I used to, and I don't have it. FIFA was good the last two weeks. Yeah, it's hard not playing against another person. I get weird on the computer. Yeah, that would be... I still think UFC is the most fun. UFC against somebody else is... UFC against someone is the most fun you could possibly have. I could play for 12 hours. It is enjoyable.

It's a very nice time. I think the learning curve would be too long for me to figure that game out. UFC? We can play in the middle. You can do it. I love fresh blood, dude. The Vigis, I slowed down and now I was forced to Netflix documentaries. That's actually better. It actually worked out. That was fucking good. Yeah. Yeah, you watched six hours of the same thing in less than 12 hours. I watched it back to back, dude.

yeah american pretty depressing american nightmares that was great yeah that was really i was fully sucked in yeah because every time i see one of those i'm like six hours i'm like i'm like i'm never finishing that three they're hitting that on a sweet spot 45 minutes too exactly that was it's about time they took the fucking fluff out of those things seriously big fucking six hours full episodes on like we said again well and it's just like dude just tell me what the fuck happened please

We started watching one of my favorites, The Devil Next Door. The one about the Ukrainian... He was an immigrant who worked in the Ford factory in Cleveland. Then out of nowhere, people were like, you look like the fucking guy from Treblinka. You look like the guy. Yeah, it's so funny. He's a Ukrainian guy? Yeah, he just gets falsely...

Who knows? I don't know if it was false. Yeah. He just gets randomly accused of being a... A Nazi. An SS butcher. Ivan the Terrible. That was the worst SS officer. What? I love the idea of a guy being an auto worker and someone being like...

Are you an SS worker? What decade was that? No, I am not. The guy listened, your coworker listened to one hardcore history and you're like, dude, come on, man. Shut the fuck up. It was like 80, 85. Okay. So he could still be working in a factory. I think he had retired.

He is retired. Was Eminem working there at the time? Eminem was in there. Eminem was there too. Eminem was working, obviously. True. Slamming the metal on the cars. American Nightmare, though. That was good, man. That was awesome. Yeah, dude. I mean, it was hard to call because I was trying to find some weird loophole and I was just watching it being like, yeah, maybe. Crazy. No spoilers. True, true, true, true. Give it a watch. True. Although that would be cool to do a podcast where we just summarize all those things in like 15 minutes where I'll save you all the fucking trials and tribulations. Yeah.

Here's exactly what happened. Here's what's going to happen when you watch it. You're going to go, he's a fucking liar. She's a fucking liar. Yep. And then you'll eat your words. And then you're going to go, whoops. Hour and a half later. Our bad. Whoops, I wish I didn't say all those things that were pretty nasty. Yep.

I'm surprised I held out. Well, it is. There is that part of you that wants to call it ahead of it. So it's hard not to be like. Especially when they're misdirecting you hard. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're trying. They're trying to. Shout out to the Vallejo police, dude. True. Shout out to those guys. Protecting each other. Detective Mustard. Hats off to you. Officer of the year. Officer of the fucking year, dude. Officer of the year. Lieutenant Mustard. Burn that bitch. Yeah. That is exactly what a cop would say. Exactly.

Burn that bitch. She wastes our valuable resources. Meanwhile, they're all sitting there watching shit on their phones all day. Like, yeah, we got a tip. There's a guy going around that fits the description. They're like, shut up. This is Kat. They've wasted valuable police resources. This guy farted in his dog's face in the dog ground. Fucking unbelievable. Although Smollett got in trouble for he...

Definitely a gone boy himself. Smollett is the ultimate gone boy. Gone boy.

It'll never stop being funny to me. Yeah. The story coming out. I remember a story coming out, and for real, I'm not just saying this, but being like- No, every single dude. Wait, what? 100% was no chance. I know. It was like 2 a.m. in Chicago. I know. Did the guys get busted for it in the end? Yeah. Did they go to jail? I think they made a deal, though. I think they came forward. Yeah. Okay. It was just two Nigerian bodybuilders. Yeah, and they were like- Jacked Nigerians. We have to tell you something. Yeah.

But imagine though. Why are you gay? Jussie Smollett.

That would have gone to my head, though. If I had two jacked Nigerian bodybuilders on payroll, I might fake a hate crime. I'll be honest. You would. I would totally. You've got one jacked Nigerian on your payroll. That's what I'm saying. It goes to my head, dude. You're close, dude. Get one more absolutely jacked Nigerian bodybuilder. One more of them. And you just got to hire Jabri. And you guys could control the city. I was in the middle of downtown. I was sitting there like, get out of here, cracker. Get out of here right now. Oh, man.

And I do have sex with one of them. Yeah, the whole plan goes awry when they get their 10th punch card on the free foot long at Subway. And they're like, fuck, we were late because we were splitting an extra meatball sandwich. And they warmed up some cookies for us. That would be tough, getting the Lee brothers out of Subway. The Lee brothers. I'd have them in the nastiest trench coats. They'd be Matrix dressed at all times.

Damn. But Morpheus does rock the fucking... That's what I'm saying. He rocks the trench coat every morning when he smokes a blunt. Now that it's cold out, he's full Matrix every morning. I watch him enter the Matrix. He smokes a blunt and he's just like, I'm going to 10th Planet. I know jiu-jitsu. Bro, I know jiu-jitsu now. I'd have them so future-decked out. In the trench coat talking about tapping guys. But for real though, how nasty would that... What a sick investment would that be getting the Lee brothers to be killing machines?

And then it's just trench coats at all times. It'd be so sick. Do you open the trench coat and there's just a bunch of Subway sandwiches in there? Yeah, once I was first called Subway. Have you ever looked out here and he's playing the fucking saxophone out there? No, I'm waiting for that. That'll be a dream. Sax was short-lived. Sax was short-lived, but you were getting good at it. It's on his bed. He sleeps with it.

It's right next to his pillow where you would keep a gun. Wait, you brought the sax? Yeah. You brought the sax? That thing's shining in there. It's right next to his knife. He has a nice knife, dude. I might start treating La Mer like a Chinese daughter and just relentlessly pressuring him with instruments. It's time to go to saxophone lessons. I do. I do. I genuinely do. I go out there. For real, I knock on the door. I go, what are you doing in here? And he answers me. He doesn't think it's funny. He answers me genuinely. He's always playing video games on the side of his bed. He's like,

Oh, just watching wrestling. I'm like, all right, we'll turn that off. It lights out. I asked him if he ate the bones earlier from the ribs and he sincerely said no. Without looking up. What a treat. Having Lameezy here has been such a wonderful treat. He's the best, dude. He put on a fucking absolute show. Yeah. This weekend. How long could the rampus time actually last, though?

It's good. We give enough time apart. Yeah. And then when he leaves, I'm like, oh, man, I wish you missed him. Yeah. Wow. I was missing him before he came down here. You know, he told me, you know, he's like, I'm going to wait till the new year. And I was just like, all right, man. You had to spend two months without Lamaze. Fully support you. He's a luxury. He was killing it, dude. They were absolutely, dude, the TikTok. The TikTok. The St. Louis TikTok. Oh, he did.

Billy called me and asked me if that was a joke. And I was like, yes. He was like, are you sure? You got to ask him. And then it got in my head. I was like, maybe? It was definitely a joke. Yeah, I know. I had faith in you.

Yeah, Lemaitre's put on a clinic, dude. What was the clinic? St. Louis? Lemaitre's dominated St. Louis. Yeah. It makes sense. Pretty unbelievable. That's what he needs. Confidence like that. In between laughs, people will be like, dude, he's so fucking strong. It looks like he can beat someone's fucking ass. He heard that. He was like, I guess I will go to 10th planet. No, it was a fun weekend. St. Louis, the club, I will say, smells so bad.

Dude, there's a sewage pipe that broke. So you walk in and you're just greeted with like mushroom farm scent. I don't know. But the room is great. I had a fun time. It's kind of cool. Make people, you know, make people walk through a horrible stench. Yeah. I like it. Humbles them. Exactly. Gets people ready for coffee. They go, yeah, I guess I am a piece of shit. Maybe I should listen to this guy instead of yell out my opinions. That is nice. Yeah, the club is dealing with scent issues, but...

The room was great. Did you get to walk that mall at all? No, I never walked the mall. I got there early enough to go to the mall, and every store I walked by was closing as I walked by it. Yeah, the mall is closing right now. I think Cheesecake Factory is going strong. I got a full mall. I'm always curious about the mall. I got a full rundown. The Cheesecake Factory is going very strong, but the rest of it is for sure closing. That's because California Pizza Kitchen just closed. It's because Honky's moved online.

So now the mall's had to convert to strictly African-American consumers. Yeah. So the Cheesecake Factory is holding on strong. Strong, yeah. It's an anchor store. It's an anchor restaurant. Yeah, it is. It's not going anywhere. Yeah.

The lady, the Uber driver's like, well, what do you want to call it? The Cheesecake Factory is keeping them all afloat. I'm like, that's just one rent. They don't get like a percentage of the Cheesecake Factory's profits. No, but if you go to get some factory, you're probably going to hit the gap or something. No one's leaving the factory with ambition. No, you got to go early. You leave the factory. You're going, I got to go home. I got to go home and think about what I just did. I got to drink and drive home. No.

Two full cheesecakes. I could see getting a denim outfit and hitting the factory. I think that's kind of exactly what happens. Matching t-shirts. I'm the king, she's the queen. Those fucking bullshit t-shirts. She's beauty on the beast. Beauty and the beast is the nicest thing. You and your wife should get that. What is it? Beauty and the beast. What do you mean? I'm the beast, she's the beauty. What?

Can I get him delivered right now? You guys should get matching. We're both beasts. I'm with the beast. I'm with the beast too. Wait, the second arrow is pointing to somebody else. Where's that? Where's that beast?

That would be nice. That was my favorite matching sweatsuit I've ever seen. It was advertised to me on Instagram for some reason. You bought it? No, I wish. Man. Gone forever now. True. Now they're everywhere. Yeah, you can get it. I always wanted to make it. Get one for your kids. Thing one, thing two for the kids. True, that's a good one too. Yeah.

Yeah, I do like that. It'd be funny to get one with your wife that was like, she made them and made them very direct. Like yours is like, I'm with beauty and hers is like, I'm with the fucking loser piece of shit. I'm with the fucking guy that won't wake up before 2 p.m. and he has a fucking kid now. What the fuck? The print is so small you have to get up so close to it. So how do you hold that down? Because you do wake, that is pretty interesting. You wake up super late every day still. Yeah. How the fuck do you hold this down? I've been wondering since day one. Well, I wrote it in the pre-nut. Yeah.

I haven't changed a diaper yet. It's been seven months. Nice. Pretty impressive. How do you feel about that? I mean, I wouldn't brag about being a fucking deadbeat. I'm just impressed that I said it and she actually is going through with it.

But I'm on night duty. I'm up until 5 a.m. So what do you do? Oh, that's nice. Yeah. So she gets to sleep through the night. That's kind of cool. And then she also has to work a full-time job while she takes care of the kid while I'm sleeping. You're in a bullpen all morning. Yes. Yeah. You're just charging your batteries. Sometimes she'll wake me up at 1230 and be like, can you watch the kid, please? Yeah. And I'll go, fuck.

I was having a fucking sex dream about you. Your eyes look like this so that her eyes look like that. That's so tight. Shifting it up is a good idea. Yeah, that way you don't have to talk to each other. That works. How's the baby sleep at night time?

She wakes up twice to eat. Nice. Like 1130 or midnight and then like. Do you give her some of your fucking pizza rolls? She's getting the scent. Yeah. I still have some spilled on my shirt by the time I get up there. My mouth's still burning. Fucking the baby woke up. Fuck. Man, I've been burning some fucking Tostinos in that house. So how are you enjoying it overall? I'm enjoying it.

overall it's very she's so cute yeah it's nice but it's still uh oh you're a girl dad yeah nice it's not like we're not talking yet so it's not like a real connection you don't know if she's a dickhead yet yeah she could be a fucking dickhead she's really sweet huh how old is she seven months oh yeah yeah that's like when you just come out of the haze of it being like so boring that's just for girls first six seven months just for girls

yeah it really is boy time is about to happen she's starting to crawl oh yeah that's boy time girl time when babies girls love immobile babies i i it's crazy i don't get it they love it it's bizarre yeah it's it's like truly when someone holds like shows me a newborn baby i'm like ew yeah for the first several months i'm like that's not i don't like it they're just for girls for real they are for real for girls when does the baby start talking

Around... They started putting together words and noises around like one and a half. Okay. A lot of noises. No words yet. Yeah. One and a half, I'd say. And then around two, the floodgates open. But it's pretty tight. It happens so gradually, though. You don't notice. First, you're like, this is going to be crazy. Then it's like so gradual that you're like... It doesn't hit you out of nowhere. Are you worried now about shaping human life? And potentially absolutely...

It snowball. It's snowballing. You don't seem too stressed about much. I'm not. I'm too blessed to be stressed, to be honest. Do you ever get high and bug out about it? No, I'm surprised. I haven't taken mushrooms or anything yet since then. I wonder if that will affect my psyche negatively. But it's sick, dude. I get fucking ripped, stoned, and then I hear the baby crying, and I'm like, all right, let me hit this one more time.

big hit and then i just fucking right right so even like yeah this is fucking tight dude you ever get high as fucking here hear the baby crying go oh fuck yeah a couple of fucking kids fucking forgot i was still when i first had a kid i was still doing edibles a lot and then i they now every now and again they'd hit me while we'd be like playing in a field and i'd be like oh shit i'm like i gotta stop doing this

come get daddy in your head you're such a hero you're like we gotta get home you're just like carrying them back like oh fuck the worst it's the absolute worst dad's fucking blazed dude get in the car you're like you can't have a panic attack you're like dude you just that's a good Dairy Queen stop though

Dad's high as shit. Yeah, true. Everybody's getting blizzards today. Everyone's getting happy meals and blizzards. Those are medicinal, dude. Medicinal blizzards. Those are medicinal. Medicinal blizzards. We need to take our minds off this. Check this out, kids. It just immediately falls all over my lap. Yeah. We got to take our minds off how the sun looks kind of weird right now. Something's wrong with the sun, kids. Get in the car.

I don't like the way these other kids are looking at you. We got to get the fuck out of here. There are no other kids here. I would get high. We'd be playing like a field and I would get high and be like, if I take my eyes off you for one second, you could run into the street. And I'd just be like, we got to get inside. This is fucked up. Yeah, I fully anticipate being a leash guy at some point when she first starts to walk around. I'm for him.

People make fun of white people in their leashes. I'm like, it's not a bad idea. No. We're going to be leashed up at Disney World, I think. Leash them up. I will say, though, having an international child on a leash as a white man is going to be a rough look. True. True. Although, if I dressed impeccably, I'd have to put on a really nice suit. I don't know, dude. Wearing a monocle might look worse, honestly, dude. If you look like the Monopoly guy. Yeah. You got to get a SpongeBob sweatsuit.

Yeah, true. You couldn't wear like a powder blue suit and try to like, look, I'll just dress up nice. Just dress up like Fat Joe. But yeah, I mean, I get it, you know. Delish? Yeah, or even like a shot collar. A mild shot collar. I mean, there's nowhere in Philadelphia that I can envision taking her at all at any age.

Yeah. I'm not going to walk around fucking Fishtown, Kensington. Take her when she's doing. Let her see what drugs do. Take her to Kensington. You want to do fucking Trank? You want to do fucking Trank? This is what happens. I don't know. The first time I drove down Kensington Avenue, I was like, this is fucking tight. I want to get out of the car and walk around. Yeah. Now it's. When was that?

Before I moved to the neighborhood, so like four years ago. And I haven't been down that street since. It is a fucking nightmare. Dude, did you... It is so scary, dude. It's the scariest shit. Did you see the thing I shared on Twitter about Trank and how it's controlled by... There's a proxy war between Mexican cartels and Chinese companies. Because the Trank, it's xylosine. It's the stuff they're adding to heroin and fentanyl. And what it does is it like...

That's the flesh rotting shit. Yeah, it's like gets real acidic. And if you get a little cut, there's like this, you know, like creatine tries to escape your skin. The trank is in your skin. And as soon as you get a little cut, it all rushes to escape. And then you get this thing called like...

epidermal necrosis where your skin cells just start to die. It's dude, it's so, and then like dudes get fully swollen arms. So there'll be a dude with just a gigantic arm. It's so fucked. But the thing is, is the Mexican cartels allegedly, according to this thing I watched,

They control the supply, but now Chinese companies are manufacturing it in powder form. But if you get caught selling the Chinese form, this guy was claiming that the Mexican cartels just put your picture out on WhatsApp to Philly gangs, and then there's a bounty on your head and the gangs just rush to shoot you. Damn. Fucking nuts.

Don't sell trank is what you're saying. Or sell the liquid form if you're going to do it. Oh, just liquid trank. Or don't do it because it's very, very bad. There's dudes that have open wounds. And this guy, he's like, I've had a fucking wound for seven fucking months. He's like, I wash it every day. And eventually they have to amputate your leg because it'll spread and it'll kill you. It's like ultimate gangrene, basically. Yeah. And it's like...

You don't really have like the dudes know there's like Trank and heroin, but they're just like, yeah, man, it's fucking in there. It's annoying. Is there still fentanyl? Oh, yeah. Fetty's big still. Still Fetty. Still Trank. It's just Fetty, H and Trank. Those boys are seeking that out, though. Yeah, they want Fentanyl now, right? So, yeah, Fett for sure. But the Trank doesn't give you the heroin rush. Apparently you just do and you're just like. So that was the one guy said he said, you don't catch the rush. What the fuck's the point of that? Why do they put that shit in there? It's so cheap.

I mean, it's like you can buy... It's just to fill the bag up, basically? Yeah, and it's like an effective cut you can use that does probably fuck you up. It's like horse tranquilizer. But then you can get it. Dude, it's like...

The Chinese companies were selling it for $20 a kilo. So if you're a heroin dealer, it's like you can get a kilo of it and sell bags cut with it for five or ten bucks a bag. What Chinese company? Do you buy it online? Allegedly, yeah. For real, it's the company apparently. Fucking Panda Express. The company that was selling the fentanyl precursors to the cartels. Again, allegedly. They're starting to sell this now. Number one golden track. Yeah.

Top number one golden trophy, Joy Trank Club. Yeah. It's fucked up. The documentary is pretty sick, but it's all about... He goes and interviews people, and they're like, there's apparently two brothers in Philadelphia. I don't know why they would let him film them. They're called the Trank Brothers. They show their faces? Huh? They show their faces? They're completely like...

done up. Yeah. Like, yo, this is what, this is what. We're fucking killing everybody. Yeah, like. It's awesome. I made $40,000. Dude, for real. They talk about the money they're making. It's crazy. But it's like, why would they even agree to get interviewed?

Makes no sense. Although maybe they are that dumb, though. Obviously, they're not the best guys. Yeah, they're not. But they're like, do you feel bad about what you're doing? Like, no, not whatsoever. They're like, why? He's like, if you don't miss your vein, it's fine. And it provides less of a withdrawal. So what happens if you miss a vein? That'll tear your ass up. Do not miss a vein. Literally direct quote. What if you miss? It'll tear your ass up. Damn. Damn. It was Channel 5 News? Yeah, Channel 5. Oh, sick. Yeah.

Andrew, doing the good work. Yeah, it's pretty tight, man. Is he the one who made the documentary? Yeah. Oh, sick. He's in the fucking Trank Brothers house. I was scared for him. I'm like, brother, get out of there.

Wait, this is in Philly? Yeah. What's the Channel 5 News in Philly? It's all gas, no brakes. Andrew Callahan. Is that who that is? He's all gas, no brakes? I didn't know that. Damn, this guy's got balls to go fucking to this guy's house, right? Yeah, dude. That sounds pretty scary. But apparently, too, the ice cream truck circles K&A because whenever they're coming down off opiates- Oh, they need that sugar. They need the sugar. Yes. So then at the very end, it's very sweet. They're sitting there in the ice. You're laying there just like catatonic. It's like-

Just nonstop. Dude, that's so funny. We cannot get that guy to stop on our street. He's just cruising down the K&A. Just stand outside like this. He's on the way. You got to sell like fucking gummy worms.

Bro. Just go buy a crate of gummy worms and go down to KNA. You could trap out so hard. You will fucking make so much money. Dollar a worm? Girl Scout cookies. If your kid joins Girl Scouts, send her down there. Come on, we're heading to KNA. We're getting rid of these cookies. All right, we'll just go to Somerset Station.

True. You could be like the Trank brothers. Yeah, I think we'll be out of there all the time. She's just joking. The Samoans are fucking you up. The Samoans tear your mouth up. Damn, he got peach rings. I fucking love those.

Yeah, dude. At the end, the guy gets ice cream for everybody. There's like a lady who had her leg cut off. He's kind of milling around. There's these two other ladies. Is it Mr. Softy? Like the OG? I forget. It didn't sound like, I don't know. A legless lady was eating ice cream? Oh, yeah, bro. She was getting down on a cone. Fucking Lieutenant Dan style? Yeah, Lieutenant. Lieutenant Denise. Ice cream. Dude, they're... Wake up.

They're talking about the sugar and like, cause the other, there's like this black dude with him. He's like, why do y'all love fucking ice cream so much? And they're like,

it's just good. He's like, no, there's a fucking thing. And then they're talking about it and the ice cream truck goes by and the guy, Callahan, is like, you want to get some ice cream now? And they're like, yeah, for sure. Let's go get it. He did that. I think it was him. He did one in Portland. Yeah, yeah. One of those that was the same thing. The thing they were stealing from all the Walgreens and shit was ice cream. You'd go in and steal a bunch of ice cream and go sell it immediately to all the heroin people. Yeah, that's got such a short lifespan on it. You have to run that. The one dude he gives it to just immediately, it's melted and he's just like, oh my God.

Put a straw in it. Damn, you're fronting the drumsticks out to the junkies. That'd be a tough bit. You'd have to be breaking legs. Did you fucking munch the cones? Yeah. That's why I have to ask somebody at CVS to unlock the fucking ice cream freezer when I go in there. Yes, that is why. Fuck. Yeah, man. Stinks. I just want to get these Dolce de Leche Haagen-Dazs cones and get out of here. Hurry up. My kid and wife are asleep. True. I'm supposed to be watching her.

Damn, I don't want to put that on you. Never mind. I was gonna say it's gonna be like Manchester by the sea. So I'm just going out to get fucking ice cream. I haven't said I don't know the fuck. I left my bowl still lit. Fucking house burned down. I left the fucking roach. Yeah, leaving the roach and having to tear your ass up will be terrible. Do you worry about like tremendous safety concerns at all? Not yet.

but i'm just putting all my anxiety so far you're the first dad i've never heard say yes immediately now is i mean it's usually like yes i think about having to fight to the death for my child every second once i think we're going to probably move out of that neighborhood in the next year or two so i don't know why i feel safer there i just don't leave the house yeah she's an indoor baby until uh until she's two yeah

I went downstairs last night. We had something to go. It was two nights ago. Something went bump in the night. I went downstairs fully naked. It was so sick. It was nothing. I know. It's good. You go down to fight. I hear the bump and I go.

I went down, dude. I went down. I for sure was like, it was definitely this thing. She leaned up against the wall, but she's like someone in here. I was like, I don't know. I'm going down right now. I was like, dude, I'm so fucking sick. Did you precariously place the Dyson against the wall again? Because it has never once stayed up on its fucking own, bitch. I was like, oh, he's probably a guy. What are you? Did you sound like a fucking $500 vacuum falling down the stairs? That's what it sounded like to me. You check. What's your bedside weapon?

You got the heat? Damn. Damn, dude. Fucking Irish.

Straight leprechaun, dude. Somebody breaks in. As soon as I went down there that night, I was like, dude, I need a weapon so bad. I just went down there just penis blazing, dude. Naked? I was fully fucking naked. That'll startle someone. Naked, pube, penis. Just an absolute wizard of a penis, dude. Just the Randy Johnson bucket of baseballs. Full bird out, flying balls at their heads. But no, I have dogs. So when dogs aren't barking, I'm like, this is nothing.

That's my worry, or that's my kind of saving grace. I think if an intruder comes in, the dogs will hear it first, but those fucking idiots are dead asleep. Those dogs bark, dude. They do bark, but I feel like we got a lot of noisemakers going on. I don't know if they would necessarily hear somebody creeping around. Yeah, they got desensitized. I got the old, I have a baseball bat with a buck knife taped to the end of it next to my bed. You got a bayonet? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Damn. Out of your deep slumber, too. Huh? Out of your deep slumber. It's far enough away that I can't grab it in a fever dream and start swinging it around. I got to get up and find it, you know? You have a bayonet. Yeah, dude, I made a bayonet. I was in New York a couple years ago, and there was some creep looking in our house and the neighbor's houses, and me and Fennell sped back, and the guy was gone by then, by the time I got back.

But I was just up all night, freaked out. And I was like, I don't have a fucking bullets for this shotgun. But I still brought the shotgun up. You need a bayonet. Yeah. I was like, what am I going to do? It'd be sick to run down the hall like a fucking, like a red coat. I have the sheath on it too. So for safety, you know. That's good. And then I can whip that thing at him first. Startle him. And then knife to the face. Yeah.

Fuck, I am. And if I get outside with that thing, I can start fucking swinging that thing around. I have a shotgun. I got to keep it right under my bed. Loaded. Yeah. I don't think you should do that. No, for sure. Protect my house. I think that'll be a Blade Runner situation. I think your lady's coming out of the bathroom and going, who's there? Ha! Freeze! Freeze, scumbag. Yeah, true. Although, just racking it, if you just have it unloaded and just rack it, people will...

She'll get scared. I have a bolt action. It's not really a threatening. Damn, you have a bolt action and a bayonet. You really are a red coat. I didn't even realize this shit. I got to get a uniform. You have a gunpowder horn and a ramrod. I have a cannon and a musket. Four men on horses. One of those weird eye things. Oh, yeah. You guys know the reference.

What did that guy wear in Wild Wild West? Artemis, dude. Didn't he have some fucked up eye? Wasn't it like a built-in telescope or something? You should get one of those spider wheelchairs. That would scare the fuck out of somebody. Just like, you've entered my home. I'll be down momentarily. Ah, yes. Four flights of steps on a spider wheelchair. Guests have joined me. Yes.

You know what would be good? A laser pointer next to your bed. That's what that guy had. Yeah, where'd you get that idea? I don't know. There you go, Matt. A laser pointer on the bay. Scooby-Doo and a laser pointer. I don't know where the fuck I'm coming up with this. A full tank just in case air gets deprived. And just play a little offense. Go around the neighborhood and peep in everyone's window and see who could attack you. Yeah.

it is good to go on the offensive to test your neighbor's defense did you ever do that when you're little like go and spy on your neighbors and like peek through the window i used to do that too it was tight yeah i told you the one time we this is my cousin we fake held a gun in a kid while he was hiding in his basement what yeah he was hiding in his basement my friend took his bb gun pistol and stood in his door his glass door the kid was smart i told you he dove and turned the lights off it was really smart that's good then we were like oh we really shouldn't have done that we probably scared the out of that kid

later on the guy i did that with uh got arrested for murder so yeah he wasn't playing around i thought we were having fun he was preparing himself for a life of murder murder and crime he had committed murder open fire on a man i'll be honest bb gun you fired at a man he shot a man with a bb gun shot a man i shot a body where i didn't kind of i didn't we were up me and my friend were hunting the famous cougar there was like a cougar roaming the woods

that it was here naim knows about that he saw it naim saw it wait i thought name was a wolf man naim also lied about seeing a wolf no i saw the wolf but we're not talking about that right now you don't want to talk about the we're talking about another animal that doesn't he's going through his pokedex right now you could google it you could google there was a cougar there was allegedly a cougar and i went on to hunt it

Me and my friend went out to hunt it, and we just saw a guy waxing his car, so we were like, yeah, let's shoot this guy. We shot him. You went out for a cougar, and then you saw the most dangerous game. You said, now truly the most dangerous game, the neighbor waxing his car. A guy having a midlife crisis waxing his fucking Corvette. You ruined that guy's fucking life, dude. Did you have a rifle or a pistol? I think he had a pistol and I had a rifle. I had like a pump, actually. I think he might have had CO2, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, you can't pump a pistol, right? That's all CO2? Yeah.

See, those things rip. I don't think I had a lot of pumps in mine, I'll be honest. Dude, I have no idea. We just shot and heard him go, hey! We were like, ah! You probably hit him then. Huh? You probably hit him if he said, hey. I mean, I am a fucker. I probably just... You probably heard pop, pop. Then something might have bounced off the fucking car.

You fucked up his wax job. Dude, by having a six pack, you just fought your wife. Just fist fought your wife. You're out there. You're listening to fucking jams, dude. Oh, yeah. Two dickheads kids shoot you with a fucking BB gun. I'd be so mad. Dude, I'd be furious. I'd go crazy.

It's funny when you're little. I would run for, I would start to chase them and then obviously realize I was wrong. But I would run across the street or however far. Oh, you would be wrong to fucking. No, I know, but I would stop. If I was chasing kids, the initial burst of anger would carry me. Oh, yeah. And then I'd be like, what the fuck am I doing? True. Then again, though, I mean, deadly weapon. Especially if they have fucking weapons. Yeah, true. I'd be like, I don't want to get caught again. You know when you go out in the woods. You caught the ops lacking, dude.

He was all live dude, he was on IG live he wanted smoke I'm outside right now. I'm outside Yeah, he was up in our hood dude. So where you guys at? We're like we're fucking right here, dude. So where your mama stood? Where your bed at?

Wait, where was the cougar though? In PA? That's what we heard. Cougar's realistic. There's cougars in the mountains. The cougar, it is a true story. There are no cougars in Pennsylvania. In the Appalachian? I don't think there are anymore. Well, there's certainly no wolves in the Northeast Corridor. There are not. No, there are not. There's a wolf sanctuary. And one of them got out and got hit by a car. And it wasn't tagged. And one of them got out and got hit on 476th.

And it wasn't in the news. And there was never a news story about that. No. It doesn't matter. I'm telling you. If a wolf takes a shit in California, it's a story. I'm the eyewitness. I saw it. If a wolf got hit by a car in Philadelphia, it would be on the news. They're in the news when they cross state lines in California. It's the biggest story possible. It was there for two days. Somebody took it after the second day. I drove past it twice.

And Big Jeff saw it. Shout out to Big Jeff. Big Jeff saw it. You know what I'm saying? Well, Big Jeff saw it. He's a UPS driver, and they don't lie, bro. They are sworn to honesty. They did swear an oath. They did. If you ever see a wolf, do you promise? Neither rain or snow or cougars or wolves are lied about. It was bigger than the Great Dane. That's how I knew it was a wolf.

Wasn't no German shepherd. Bro, that's the biggest wolf possible. Bigger than a Great Dane wolf? It might be a werewolf. It's a werewolf. I thought it was a werewolf costume at first. I said, maybe that's a costume, but it wasn't. It was a dead wolf. Bigger than a Great Dane wolf. Yes, with his mouth open.

That sounds like it was a Halloween costume. What year? Around what month was this? Oh, this was September. This was October, October, November. October? Probably around October, November. Right around Halloween time?

- But it wasn't a costume. - Did it look like the one in like Rogan's studio, that thing? - Yo listen, this how you know I'm telling the truth. I went to a pawn shop last week and some boy said, and he knows me, he said, yo Naeem, I was listening to Matt and Shane's podcast. It's crazy 'cause now niggas listen to y'all shit. He said I was listening to that. - Shout out.

He said, it's a wolf sanctuary in New Jersey. Yeah. So I was like, okay, so then this is possible. I think it was like a homework down situation. Yeah. He was just trying to get home. He was escaping. Shadow. Wait up for me. I'm not going to make it. I'm going to get hit on 495. I just know it.

Just black dudes driving by. Oh, shit. What the hell? Oh, my God. You are so wolf. True. Maybe the truck missed it. It was still alive at the very end and went home and saw Peter.

We need to find this wolf, dude. Yeah, good luck, dude. You'll be searching for a while. How old were you when the cougar hunt was happening? I was probably like 10, maybe. What a thrill that must have been. Oh, yeah. Did you know the significance of a cougar at that time? No, we were just kind of like, yo, let's go get it. And I was like, all right. It's like the scariest possible now in the wild. There was this one search. And I remember seeing this article.

There was one in the Philadelphia Inquirer, or Philly Mag, about those coy wolves people keep spotting. What is a coy wolf? It's coyote wolf hybrid. Yeah, those are tiny. It wasn't a coy wolf. You know what a liger is? What year is that article from? Halloween 2017.

The story timelines are corroborating now. It's kind of a mix. In Philly, it would be a mix between a dog and a coyote. Gotcha. It's not that. It's not going to be a great day, bro. It was bigger than that. It can't be. Yo, I'm trying to tell you. Coyotes don't get that big. I'm so sure. You saw like a...

Timber wolf. You saw a giant wolf. Yo, on me, I saw a wolf, bro. On my mom and everybody. On everybody, bro. Could it have been a Halloween decoration that fell? It wasn't a Halloween decoration. It was a dead animal. How do you know? Because I was in the lane where, like, closest to the shoulder where the wolf was. The wolf lane. I saw it. Yeah, bro, I was in the wolf lane. Yeah.

All these motherfuckers driving in the wolf lane going slow as shit, dude. The only possible lane where you can see wolves. That's where I was at. It was a coyote and that's all I'll give to you. I saw a wolf at Timber Creek Park. It was a wolf hybrid when I was there at the dog park. And it was...

They were huge. They have a big fucking puffy thing on the back. Yes. This was someone's pet? Yeah. It was a wolf hybrid. So it was like... Very mean face. It was big. Pretty cool for them to bring it around other dogs. My dog attacked it. And they played it cool? Yeah, they tussled. It was an Akita. Akitas also look like wolves too, a little bit. Akitas look like wolves a lot. And they're big as fuck. Yeah, but...

That's what I'm saying. A Great Dane's a horse. Great Danes are enormous. You see a Great Dane in public, you're like, holy fuck. They're fucking huge. Gravity's going to get up. Although, what do rear view mirrors make objects look? Larger or smaller? Smaller. It's only the one side view. The rear view would have shrunk it. I didn't see it in the mirror. I saw it through the window. I saw it through a system of mirrors. All of which decreased the size slightly more. The jury's out. What did you say when you saw the wolf?

What did I say? Yeah. I was like, God dang, what the fuck is that? And then I stopped. And I rolled the window down. I peeked my head out. And I said, what the fuck? Did you stop the car? I said, that's real. And then I called my mom. Did you stop the car? Did you stop the car? What speed were you traveling? I was going maybe two miles an hour. I was in traffic. Okay, so you went slow. I saw it. Two days in a row. And the second day, I said I should take a picture. And I just didn't. I don't know. Ah, you should have taken a picture. I thought there was a picture of it.

I remember seeing a picture of it. Well, the picture was bad. It wasn't a good picture. Oh, bad picture. I was taking it from the car like this. It wasn't a good picture. The picture exists. Do you have that picture? I probably got it somewhere. Is it on your phone? I probably got it. Let me see. I would like to see that. Yeah, please submit it for evidence. We are the Vallejo Police Department. We really are. Bitches lying. Yeah, we got Gray Poupon and Colonel Mustard over here. No. Never look up from fucking Brick Breaker on your phone.

Yeah. Have you been playing any good phone games? Nah, I haven't played phone games in forever. You got good shit? I'm just stuck on 2048. You're still playing that? I play it nonstop. Is that a puzzle game? I keep playing it. It's like a mathematical puzzle game. It's not. It requires no skill, really. They're not like mathematically. There's not really. I'm pretty, you know. I do Sudoku every once in a while. I don't know. I can't stop playing it. Really? Yeah. I saw a guy playing a game on the airplane where you have all these different colored liquids and vials and you have to like

match them yeah i saw that one as an ad it looked good pretty tight dude those ads are so deceiving i know i figured it was never what you see but he said he saw someone actually i saw him playing it how many levels did he have to beat to get to that fucking thing though yeah you never get the one where it slides out and the lava falls and you gotta you know yeah i would have got this in my whole fucking life i want to play that game i want to play that game so what game is that i'll pay anything i don't know it's something where it's just like what is it ebony is that what it's called ivory

Naeem, I'm starting to believe you. You seem very, you're convicted. I'm dead serious. He's texting the wolf chat right now. He's not even looking for photos. Coyote's possibility. I've seen coyotes. There's been a coyote in Philly. Coyote for sure, but they're small. I know. But y'all acting like wolves don't exist. They exist. They just haven't been. It's like saying I saw a fucking lion.

Which I did see one of those also as a child. I mean, I told you. I see weird shit all the time. Not a mountain lion. Like a lion with a mane? No, I never seen one of those. Fuck no. I'm black, but damn. I ain't from there. There are zebras here. I've heard. Apparently you can see a zebra. What do you mean? Oh, in Texas. We're in Texas. People let out their fucking zebras.

Is there a lot of cowboys around here? Do you see like cowboys at the grocery store? You're looking at one partner. You see guys LARPing. Everybody here is LARPing. Are they? Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of cowboys. What's the percentage of guys that actually get on a horse once a week, you think? I have no idea. Two. They're all posers? I'm pretty sure. In Austin, yeah. Damn. What would the cowboy be doing in the city besides selling his body? Hanging out with Ratso Rizzo.

Did you ever see the movie Midnight Cowboy? That's what I'm referencing. So good, dude. It's about a cowboy who moves the city to be like, I'm going to become a male prostitute. Joe Buck, dude. With all the girls. And they're like, you have to suck guys. Oh, shucks. What the hell? Yeah, I don't know. I don't... I've... There's a store around here where you can go and it's like a... Like a ranch store where they have like livestock. The general store? Yeah, Marshall. I saw that. That looked fucking cool. I went in there. Let me see.

let me see that's where the cowboys hang out right there's some real cow folk there i was told i went in there totally totally silly yeah let my kids play with the animals and like we just like bought it you're a yankee dude i bought some real deal rodeo gear though it's pretty sick no fool get up no just a hoodie it's a hooded sweatshirt but there's this company and they make i didn't know i learned afterwards it's like real deal for the rodeo because there was a rodeo in san diego when i was there and they were like dude

but you want to talk about from cowboys they were like dudes are all rodeoed out where they are and I was wearing the hoodie and one guy literally walked by me I was like give me a nod and I was like fuck you sick it was pretty tight do you feel like a true cowpoke they did it made my fucking because I was I wouldn't shut up to blizz about I'm like this is actually like rodeo this is real when guys see me wearing this they know I'm a fan

And I think I made eye contact with him first, but he nodded back, and I was like, dude. Sick. It's like a Jeep thing. It for real was. Blizz would not understand. He wouldn't get it, man. It's authentic rodeo gear. The company starts with an A. I forget the company, but...

Yeah, dude, you can get real authentic rodeo gear and you can get the... What do you mean by real authentic rodeo gear? Like a hoodie from the company that does rodeos? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, that's it. You can get a real authentic Eagle sweatshirt as well. Yeah, for real. Like this is real authentic football gear. And if one of the players sees you wearing it, they'll give you a nod. For real. For real. Yeah, but like the rodeo, they just assume like, oh, he probably rides bull.

Because the fans of the rodeo don't wear... Yeah, they do. They wear attitude. They're wearing cosplay, too. Rodeo fans literally dress... They all wear cowboy hats and flannels tucked into jeans. Yeah, that would be like wearing shoulder pads to an Eagles game. They all... Fully, yes. Actually, yeah, I saw it. Everyone was dressed like that. So many people were cowboyed out. Did you see anybody get fucked up? I didn't go to the rodeo. Oh. I stayed outside. Damn.

And then you went and got authentic rodeo gear. You're a fucking rodeo poser. I had it on. You're a rodeo clown, dude. I had it on before I bought it. And then the rodeo came where I was, dude. Damn, the rodeo could feel how authentic we were. The rodeo knew. There's definitely a market for this. I saw a guy in a rodeo shirt. We got to go to San Diego. Let's go get them printed. We got to go take over Petco Stadium.

Is that where it was? Yeah, man. Yeah. What do you think the rodeo was, bro? Yeah. What the fuck? On the fucking beach, dude. I don't know. Have you ever? I think they let horses stomp around in the fucking baseball field. Oh, yeah. They tear it. I tore it up.

I wish I wore my rodeo hoodie today. You guys would not be laughing at me. No one would think it was funny. We would go, holy shit, that's authentic. You'd be like, sorry about that, sir. That's not from Fanatics. That's authentic. I'm going to that store as soon as I leave here getting a hoodie and fucking 10-pound bag of feed so they don't think I'm a fucking poser. Go to the store. You can cop a pig. They sell pigs? Yeah, dude.

Yeah, what do you sell them? Do they sell service vests for the pigs so I can bring it back with me? You can get the service vest from Amazon for like 10 bucks. Sick, dude. You know how nice it would be to buy a pig and just let it loose in your friend's apartment? Just bring a greased pig over to Garnini's house. Throw it in. You'd be smuggled in there so quietly, too. What's the smallest pig they had? Babies, dude. You guys want to take a trip there after this?

No. Grease up some pigs? What am I greasing up a pig? Grease up a pig would be nice. Grease one up, put it in that pool. It would be fun to start tossing animals into LaMere's cage. Be like making bugs fight. See who's going to win. I mean, dude, you could set up one of the best series ever. LaMere vs. animals? Yeah.

He never knows what he's gonna walk into the bear verse a pig every time he's high The pig would cozy up though big would be nice the pig pigs are so just a full sheep in his bed

Yeah, dude, a little goat would be... Goats are nasty, bro. Goats will get you. I've went up against goats when I was younger. Those things are fucking nasty. I could get a hill. I could get a hill in the backyard and put him and LaMare back there. Him and a goat. See who's going to get it.

They love just getting. Oh, King of the Hill? Yeah, that's all they do. See who eats more than AstroTurf. They love it. Baby goats just get to the top of the hill and hit everybody else off. I used to have a tree stump. I used to jump on top and the baby goats would come after you. They don't like if you're up top. They get you. They get pissed. Baby goats are actually fun to play with. When they get older, they're nasty.

but they're very good you put them out back and they just literally take the whole grass down they'll eat everything this was in your cougar neighborhood no yeah we used to have goats we had a goat at our house we had goats we had pigs horses a bull damn dude our neighbor had raccoons in a cage yeah that sounds you should have alerted the authorities i wanted to what was he doing with that with those records right he used to feed a merkle cereal damn

That's awesome. Did they like stick their hands out through the cage? Oh, they'll take it right from you. Yeah. Yeah, we had a weird relationship. We would like hop his fences to go to the woods. We'd be like, get off my fences. We'd be like, shut up, dude. And we'd just fucking walk to the back. We'd call the fucking police. Because I would tell my cousin, like, dude, I'll call the fucking cops on this raccoon. Fuck him. I'll tell the cops you're feeding those fucking raccoons Urkel cereal.

I just get jealous. Are you trying to train your raccoons to say, and the raccoons at it? Raccoons would eat the Urkel cereal. You couldn't get the sweet cereal with those fucking raccoons. I would spy those boxes and be like, motherfucker, bro. Did you get into the raccoon cereal again? I wanted it, dude. My mom would hit us with Berry Berry Kicks and be like, yo. Berry Berry Kicks was good. They were good, but dude, compared to Lucky Charms, I go to my friend's house and crush like Count Chocula and be like, Berry Kicks are obviously, we would destroy the box, but like.

I knew what else was good. Phil absolutely fucked us. Barry Kicks was that trank, dude. Barry Kicks was awesome. That was a delicacy at my house. Phil would fuck us with cereal. If he went grocery shopping, we're getting fucking non-frosted mini-wheats. Oh, dude. I mean, just, yeah. And all the cheap, the bags, the knockoff brands. Grape nuts. Grape nuts should be illegal. Did you ever eat those things? Yes. They're unbelievable. It's crazy that that's a fucking meal. They got to get rid of those things. Yeah.

I see Wheaties and for real, like grape nuts is just gravel.

- It's like fish tank. - They're pebbles. - It's crazy. - Did you eat Wheaties and get like hype on your athletic abilities? - I used to, yeah. That was good marketing. They were like, "Do you wanna be jacked?" - I would walk around school just like, "I had fucking Wheaties this morning." - That was like an old man catchphrase. - Yeah. - Like, "You must have had his Wheaties this morning." - But I had his Wheaties, yeah. - That branding worked. - I thought for sure that like that was the healthiest thing you could possibly eat in the world was Wheaties. - I think back then they had like three commercials. - Yeah. - 'Cause commercials was like, that was a big deal.

Like dudes would quote commercials. Yeah. I guess that continues. Dilly dilly. True. I don't see him. That's the thing. I don't see him. I like that new Buffalo Wild Wings commercial. Yeah? Where the guy's a buffalo and he's singing. Yeah, that's nice. Makes me laugh.

I was just, Billy was just talking to me about B-dubs. Buffalo Wild Wings is a fine establishment. He let me know that they don't use seed oils. That's what he was excited about. Really? And I was like, dude, you don't have to sell me on Buffalo Wild Wings. B-dubs doesn't use seed oils. How many servers did he bother to get that information? There's no way anybody there knows what they use. I don't even know if he went. He probably Googled it. Fucking seed oils. What the fuck do they fry their wings in then? I'm not sure. Peanut oil? Please look that up.

There's five guys was on that thing. If he's hitting me with fake news on seed oils, I'll be pissed. He'd be devastated if he got fake news. Because if he ate the seed oils. I told him, I was like, B-dubs has been a mainstay for me, obviously. B-dubs is fake. Whoa. Yo. People have been shitting on B-dubs lately. Isn't that what McDonald's does too? Isn't that why you can't have fries from McDonald's if you're vegan? No way, bro.

Really something about you can't have fries from McDonald's if you're like a true vegan because there's like dudes hands in the fucking Eyeball in there we had McDonald's there's no denying McDonald's is great fries. It's so good I've any McDonald's I sort of maybe a decade it was so long since I had it last and it holds up Yeah, it's so good. It might surprise you guys. I have McDonald's once a week see you right among I

Yeah, well, they had adult McNugget buddies in the past month. So I was going to collect those. Yeah.

It is undeniably lit. Cracking a bag of McDonald's. I haven't had it in, I swear to God, it might even be like 15 years. Oh, you're gluten-free, so. Yeah, I stopped eating it before that, too. Yeah. But it was just like, dude, my parents would finally buckle and be like, all right, we're going to McDonald's, hop in the car, and just be like, oh, my fucking. This is going to be incredible. God, dude. Yeah. Milkshake, fries, and a burger. It was just like, dude, why don't we eat this every day? Power Rangers toys, when they were coming out, that was big.

I collected the fuck out of those. Yeah, although we were a Burger King family. That's crazy. There are no more Burger King families. BK was close. I don't know. My mom was at a beef with Mickey D's. I mean, obviously we hit Mickey D's, but we would usually hit Burger King.

Wendy's was like... Wendy's was good. Yeah, Wendy's was shit. I told you, I pigged and got Wendy's the other night. Was that Wendy's you had the other night? Yeah, I had Wendy's. It was disgusting. Really? The spicy chicken sandwich used to be incredible. Dude, it was crazy. They've given up on it. Oh, no. Yeah. They've taken that from us. Yeah, I guess they tapped out because there's been a lot of innovation on the spicy chicken sandwich. There's been Popeye's. I think that's it, maybe. I don't know. Wendy's had it. It'll matter. Speak on this. Dude, they had it a fucking lot. Yeah.

You know this. Yeah, they were like the best fast food chicken sandwich forever. Yeah, the burgers were square. I'd pick square burgers. These are definitely natural. Get it frosty. Spice chicken Asiago ranch burger. Well, Mayor, what's your go-to fast food now? Chipotle. Chipotle. That doesn't count. No, that doesn't count. That's fast casual. Has to have a drive-thru. That is fast casual. That's fast cash. Don't try to fucking bullshit us, dude. Does Pete Terry's count?

You have been butt-fucking Pete Terry's. I saw that Pete Terry's when you came back from jujitsu. I was a little disappointed. But they're too regional. You have to pick a national chain. Yeah, that's funny as shit. You got high. You smoked a blunt, got strangled a couple times. Pete Terry's. You saw Justin Gaethje. I'm going to go tap a fucking burger at Pete Terry's, dude. What's the most burgers you've ever eaten from a fast food establishment? Most sandwiches. We'll throw Arby's into the mix.

So that's where I hold my record. Like in a sitting? Yeah. Four. I had four. Four? From where? McDonald's. Four little single burgers. Four doubles. Four doubles. The one dollar, the dollar menu double cheeseburger? Yeah, yeah. One slice of cheese. It's the only difference between that and a double cheeseburger. Really? And they charge 30 fucking cents more. Get the fuck out of here. That's an expensive piece of cheese.

How many beef and cheddars did you down? I had five. You had five beef and cheddars? Beef and cheddars are lighter than burgers, though. I don't know. That's strong, dude. Compared to a dollar menu burger? Those are like sliders. I had...

Yeah, I had. But I had, I think, three or four, and I was bowling. And then after a little bit of bowling, I was like, all right. You took a slight break? I took a slight break. Slight break. Yeah, if we're talking breaks, I've put on. I've gone crazy. Yeah, I wanted all five, but I did, I think, about four. And then I was like, oh, my God. And I waited a little bit and just begrudgingly ate the fifth one. They let you bring the Arby's into the bowling alley? I got it in. There's no rules at that place. I'm telling you, yeah, I got it in. From what I remember, I could have been in a haze. I don't know.

You could have been in an obvious haze. I was just thinking meat sure I was just bowling just with that cowboy had like that like gelatinous texture of their meat There are no other meat tastes like Arby's meat. It's like jello Yeah, doesn't it come like in basically a liquid form kind of it's weird and also if they put the onion if they gave me the onion roll I was Fucked up. I was so mad. I was like dude. I fucking don't like vegetables. Could I have a regular? Plain blood. Oh you didn't like the onion roll

I did not fuck with vegetables until I was like 23. Like, at all. Yeah, same, but it was hard to say no to bread. Vegetables are so good. I'll eat them if a girl makes me. That's it. Yeah. That's the only way I'll eat a vegetable. If a girl makes a dinner. Exactly. If there's mushrooms in it, I'm like, what are you doing? What the fuck? Yeah, I hate mushrooms. You know I fucking like these. I've said this 30 fucking times. I hate mushrooms. My mom still does it.

Onions and mushrooms on everything. Girls love vegetables, too. My mom's an Irish cook. It's unbelievable. Just the thickest fucking raw onion. Hardly cooked at all. Disgusting. I tried to cook carrots a couple weeks ago. She goes, I tried. Oh, whatever. Stop trying new shit. Hamburger helper. That's it. You did it. You mastered the culinary arts when I was in third grade. Hamburger helper.

We had the pesto meatballs last night. Oh, my God. Pesto meatballs. What are we going to have for vegetable? I said tomato sauce. Tomato sauce is a vegetable. Tomato sauce is a fucking vegetable. Like, there's onions in it. Enough. It's going to make us all eat broccoli and ruin the meal. I mean, yeah. You're not going to have vegetable and spaghetti. Huh? There's no vegetable side dish to spaghetti and meatballs. That's what I'm trying to say. Yeah.

But, you know. Maybe if you have a salad. I won last night. We'll see what happens tonight. They gotta eat vegetables. Dude, they spaz if they don't eat vegetables. Who? Girls. Oh. We need a vegetable. I'm like, no, you fucking don't. They're bullshit. You know what they forget? The bread side. Can't have some fucking crescent rolls or biscuits with this meal? Come on. True.

God, women are so fucking stupid. That fell off, though. I don't feel like there's dinner rolls aren't really a thing. I don't see them that much anymore. Yeah, I think once everyone found out bread is not great for you. That fucking Norm Macdonald bit about eating an entire loaf of bread before. It's the only place you eat like that. I don't make a meal for myself at home and sit down and eat a loaf of bread before I eat it. I know. That's crazy.

oh dude it was a feeding frenzy at a restaurant still get me in a red lobster i'll go nuts my god any place with free bread biscuits i'm not eating half of my meal by the time it comes yeah come on brother i'm breaded up come on brother you're finishing that girl it's coming home i mean i mean it on the way home you're a take it home guy yeah oh yeah damn i love leftovers yeah true take out it is nice i wish i had the discipline i feel like i'm switching it up though used to be always get an appetizer and then you don't

eat most of your meal bring it home but i'm skipping appetizers these days really trying not to bring food home you know what kind of guy i am clean the plate total eye contact with the waitress you go the whole time do you see me now does this impress you

Do you think it impresses the waitress when I clean my fucking plate? I don't know. I think they might be like... I've been a clean plate winner for years and they don't seem impressed. They go, holy shit. I came back to see how it was going. Usually the people are one bite in. I just dropped this off three minutes ago.

Yeah, I don't know. I always in my head thought that they were like, God damn. Damn, that guy's got an appetite. I wonder what else he could eat like that. Exactly. This dude really gets into things. He's insatiable. You go, actually, I don't need silverware. I'm going to eat this spaghetti with my fucking face. Just covered in sauce when she comes back. If you see the waitress coming, just... And then when she goes, how is it? You go...

You get oysters and you're like, where's the shell? I'll be like, I ate those too. They're in my pockets. I take the shells home. I'm making a necklace for my beautiful wife. This ruins everything. I've been crushing my plates at restaurants and being like,

i'm done mommy i don't want me i ate my dinner i don't think they respect it that sucks it's probably more impressive coming from you you're a nice thin in shape fella you know yeah they expect me to

Disgrace myself before they come back to the table, you know? This guy's going to be fucking farting up a storm by the time I come back over there. I don't want to get back over there. It's fucking stinks. Do you indulge? They put me in the farting section. Yeah, farting in a booth and having a way to just come back and going, I swear to God that wasn't me. I don't know.

I smell it too. I don't know what's going on.

I think this place is haunted. Does it always smell like this in this corner? No. No, did you stop at Burger King on the way, though? Thought I smelled onion rings in there somewhere. How did you know? You've got a wrapper hanging out of your pocket. Your front pocket. You're still wearing the crown. Son of a bitch. That would be so funny if you got a flashback of all the faces you've ever made farting in public. You're probably like...

On your deathbed. Just fart. Oh. Oh my God. Oh my God. That stinks. Fuck. Everyone's going to know I fucking shit. The first time I ever had Indian food was probably like five or six years ago. Went to a restaurant like two blocks from my house.

And before the check even came. Flashback. No, I had to go home. I was like, there's not enough people in this restaurant for me to go in there and do what I'm going to do in there. It like ran right through me. My body didn't know what to do with these curry flavors, dude. It sent it right. I barely made it home, dude. Penguin walked the whole way. It was like two blocks. You're going to be such a good father. Can you watch my kid? Honey, pick up the tab. I'll meet you at the house.

sprinting out of an Indian restaurant. You should have shat in the Indian restaurant. I should have, but there's no way they wouldn't have heard what I was doing there. What'd you guys do to me? What would you guys do to me? I would have talked to the chef. Someone fucking poisoned me. That is a mess. Why did you do this to me? That is a mess. You guys made a mess through me. There's your meal. That's what you're doing to people. You should have called the press.

Should I call the Vallejo police? They would believe you. Officer Curry is on the fucking case. You shit before you got the bill. Kill this guy. Burn that bitch. Burn this bitch.

I used to like the I feel like there was a big thing in college campuses where they'd be like they put laxatives in the ice cream. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So you wouldn't get food poisoning. Yeah. I think that's true. I don't know. But I used to hit some hard shits because I see those ice cream cones every time. Yeah. Soft serve machine where it's like under your controls. That's tough. Yeah. That's so tough. Wrong guy found out about it. Borderline. Yeah. Illegal. Westchester. Filling football helmets with ice cream before he leaves. That's nice. Yeah.

The cafeteria at a college is nice. All the other college students think they're too good for it because they have meal plan points left over. Yeah. Not me. I'm going in there. Dude, I used to burn. We had meal plan points for this one thing we'd go to and I would just get chicken cheese steaks and burn through it in like four days. That'd be straight to the meal plan. Back to three hots and a cod, dude. Right away. Fucking meal plan. I liked the cafeteria. Everyone complained. I was like to the last day. I went there three times a day.

Oh, it's so fucking good. I'd like to go back. Egg white omelet. I've walked by my college cafeteria and I've thought about how I could kind of get back in there, but can I just give you 20 bucks, man? They would let you. Would they? I think you're allowed to. You said, can I give you $20? They'd give it to you. True. If you're a parent, you have to pay to go into the cafeteria, right? Oh, yeah. You could save my kids in here. Yeah, I'm looking for a new kid in there. Yeah, but I'd have to go to the dorms and find someone who looked like me. So I'd have to peep through. I'm pretty sure if you can- That might be a fun little mission. Yeah.

Break out the wetsuit. Dude, when I went to Bryn Mawr, that was an all-women's undergraduate program. I had to go get a new ID one day, so I had to go to the main campus. And I was walking. I was like, how the fuck do I get into this one building? I thought it was the building I needed. So I watched this girl walk in, and I was like,

She shut the door and I tried to like grab it behind her and I pulled it a couple of times. It was a dormitory. That was a woman's dormitory. And I was like trying to open it. I'm like, fuck. And then I look up and I was like, oh, this is not the building. Oh, my God. Yeah, dude.

That was, yeah. And all those girls were looking for it. You go to an all-girl college, all you're doing is watching true crime. Oh, big time. Yeah. They saw the dude. They're like, there he is. They've never seen a dude like me on that camera. He's pulling on the door and yelling, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yeah, just be like, hold on. Long hair. Hold on. A tie-dye shirt with like crystals on it. Let me in the fucking room. No, you like me. Yeah, I remember it being like, looking back and like, oh, that's a dorm. I was like, you should make it out of here.

Did you find the correct office? I did. I finally got a nice identification card. I think I still have it. It's in my wallet. Yeah. I got a nice ID card. That's one thing I do collect. I collect my ID cards. Yeah, you got to. It's a fun thing to kind of look back on. I think I have dreadlocks and an eyebrow ring in my freshman year ID. That's nice. Oh, yeah. I forgot you were a white dreads man. Yes. How did you... What was the day like when you... Was that like a big life transition to like cut them off or like... It made everybody in my life extremely happy when I did that. Yeah.

I wore a hat for three months. They were not good enough to not

To be uncovered. What type of, like, what were you listening to? Think of the shittiest fucking dreads you can imagine. I do need to see a photo of you with dreads, but were you listening to, like, Incubus? What type of, were you listening to, like? Incubus, big time, for sure. Good guess. White dread rap. But the dreads that made me want it was Lil Wayne's Cribs episode. Damn, you got white dreads in honor of Weezy? Uh-huh. That's kind of tight. Usually white dreads is for real reserved for Incubus. I know. And that type of thing. There was an Incubus poster in my room, but it wasn't when he had dreadlocks.

It was Morning View, Brandon Boyd. Yeah. I had an Incubus face. Incubus fucking rules. Everybody does. They're fucking shit. Yeah, I think the DJ was from Dillsburg, Pennsylvania. Dude, that was a big deal. What? That was a big celeb by me. Somebody look that up. I could be wrong on that. Where the DJ from Incubus, where's he from? Did he go to Northern? Dude, I don't even know. Damn, dude, you know his alma mater. Did he go to Northern? Was he a Northern polar bear? Fuck my ass.

He went to Northern? There you go. Let's go. I didn't know he was a Dillsburg boy. He was a Dillsburg man. When I would hear him scratching, I'm like, that sounds like the Dillsburg sound. That was that Dillsburg sound. That's that early, late 90s Dillsburg sound. That's that Dillsburg wall of sound. I was a Dillsburg man. Were you really? I went down there quite a bit. That's awesome. Where is that? It's right next, it's like 10 minutes from my house. Okay. But we would listen to, every year we would go for New Year's to the Dillsburg Pickle Drop. Oh.

They dropped a pickle at midnight. That sounds awesome. There was a tractor pull. It was nice. That's awesome. Yeah. Where'd they drop the pickle from? Just the town square. Just from the tall guy's hand? What? It's like the three-story bank. And they just let a pickle fall? That's the biggest thing. That's awesome. No, it's like a... It's a fake pickle. Oh, okay. Yeah. They let a pickle just smash on the ground. Like, that's kind of tight. That would be sick. Yeah. No, they have like a...

mascot pickle that's awesome dillsburg baby just falls down makes sense dills you eat pickles i don't actually know fuck with them either really i don't really like they are a woman food that's not true dude don't put that that's fucking all right look some boys don't like pickles there are no girls that don't like pickles though that's fair i've never met one that doesn't like pickles i guess i never thought about it true i never true maybe if gay women don't like pickles

So you're saying that I like pickles because of the phallic shape and the salty taste? Could be. I'm never going to eat a fucking pickle again, bro. Make sure they're sliced, dude. Sliced, yeah. Yeah, but they're never a full fucking pickle. It's always... You don't get a pickle and go...

Please don't slice that pickle. I want an entire pickle. Just the middle of your sandwich. You're sucking it through bread. You're on your back. Can I get a booth, please? In the farting section? I'm going to need to lay down. I'm going to need to lay on my back. Order a blowjob shot.

I'm going to need to watch this now. Dude, go into one of those. Yeah. Find a place by you that has a blowjob shot and order it. Sit by yourself at the bar. And then try to dine and dash. And sprint. Have ten blowjob shots.

Go up to the bar and go, I'll have 10 blowjob shots. They'll be like, damn, you got a big party? You'll be like, no. It's just me. Oh my god. Could you spray the whipped cream in my mouth for me? Run out drunk like... God, that'd be so funny. Oh man. Yeah, why don't people do that more? People aren't living on the edge, dude. Oh my god.

Well, I think that's about it. I think we did it, man. I think we should switch over to the Patreon. John Del Calo. John Del Calo. Thank you, boys, for having me. Hey, if you live in Austin, Texas, I'll be at Cap City Comedy Club this weekend, January 26th and 27th. Whoa. Headlining the Red Room. Hell yeah. And from what I hear, there are more than every ticket remaining.

So Why don't you take a little vacation this weekend Come out to see me Sean Gardini's gonna be there Yep Some other friends in here Might be stopping by We'll see It's gonna be a fun time All the Philly guys are down here this week Oh yeah And check out Lil' Stinkers That's my podcast that I did with Mike Rainey and Jake Matera Let's go Thank you boys Of course man