Ep 472 - Howard and Sam's Secret Podcast (feat. Howie Mandel & Sam Tallent)
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Hey guys, Sam talent has a big major announcement. Yes. Uh, Matt and Shane have been kind enough to allow me to put my next comedy special on their platform. And it'll be debuting here December 26th. Uh,

It's called The Toad's Morale, and you can watch it right here on the MSSP YouTube page. Thank you very much for allowing that, guys. I can't speak highly enough about Sam's ability as a stand-up comedian. I know. It's very nice of you guys both. You're great. We're honored to have you on our page. Thanks, Paige. Yeah, watch it. Tell your friends about it. Watch it and share it. That's the point. December 26th. Tell everybody. I'll probably do some fucking gay watch party about it. But you have to do these things. Also, see me at Zany's first weekend of January.

thank you guys of course bro that's fucking pumped that'd be awesome that'd be a very funny podcast appearance just sleeping just have Howie Mandel sleeping on the couch napping yeah just sleep dude wow watch a Jew nap yeah I would people don't do that just watch Jews sleep they don't they used to but it wasn't sleep yeah they would it was final rest

- There you go. - The ultimate nap. - Well, I'm already sending you down the wrong road. - Oh, no, no, no. - No, we're not gonna go down. - That's the road we go down. - No, I know. - They question shadows and photos. - Oh, did we start already? - Oh, okay. - You didn't know? - I didn't know, I know. - Oh, we've been going for like a hour. - We had this exact same conversation before we started. We talked about you sleeping every time. - You sleeping every, oh, are we on? - Yeah. - Do they or do they not? - Is there an opening? - No, no, we were right in. - I like that. - Yeah, we don't, this is so fucking weird.

This is a beautiful home. I don't know that you talk about this being your home. - Yeah. - But it's a beautiful, like custom home that seems really expensive, except you got a fake fire. - The fake fireplace. - Why would you have a fake? - I have no idea. - But that's like, it's like a beautiful home. And then they-- - And they tossed in that fireplace with fake jewels.

But like, I mean, you live in Texas now where everything is like barbecue is real. Like you got to light a fire to have a barbecue. And the reason I asked you, I just walked in and I said, are you moving? You have a lockbox still like that. Oh, yeah. I just moved. Yeah. Just moved in. But why wouldn't they take off the lockbox? Do they know you moved in because the lockbox? I genuinely I'm not sure because what are you doing? Is this the house you bought? I think so.

Yeah. No, because you realize... No, I didn't buy it. You know what a lockbox is? Yeah. So your key is in that. Yes. And the real estate company has... They can come in. We could be sitting here on your podcast and there could be a showing. That'd be wonderful. There was a plumber that came in when I wasn't here. We use the lockbox. I keep it out there. I get locked out a lot. He doesn't lock the house either. I don't lock the house either, yeah. Why are you broadcasting that? Why the fuck are you broadcasting that? Yeah, I probably shouldn't say that. That's a dumb...

Well, I know the address and I'll be auctioning it off to the highest bidder. So hit me up. And just sitting here and meeting you in person is an honor for me because I think that you're one of the funniest people

- Do me next. - Yeah, I was gonna say. - Well, you're an author. - Sam's a more, I don't know, Sam, I'll be honest with you, I'm not really aware of you, but I have a feeling. - No, Sam's really great. Really great author, decent comic, but his writing is-- - Jeez. - You're an author? - I'm a comedian who dabbles in the literary world. - Before they turned this on, you were talking about-- - He was being nasty.

No. You said you were talking about your book. I wrote a book. Who's being nasty for this? Why are you putting that down? I'm not. I'm very proud of the book, but I've been doing stand-up a lot longer. The book's called Running the Light. It's about an old road comic. Guys, you probably worked with up there on the Wild West Circuit running through Calgary and Winnipeg.

Well, I'm Canadian, but I haven't done the Calgary-Winnipeg circuit. I'm a lot older than you. We might have to put a barrier. It might be a fight. I know. I'm old. I'm old. I know. What's the Calgary circuit? I don't know. I figured you guys went out there and you performed in big pits where they had barbed wire around it so no one could get in.

- It's Canadian comedy. - Oh, the old days. - Yeah. - It's Canadian comedy. I have no idea what your book is, what you do. - Well, that's math. - His book is genuinely really fucking good. - Running the light. - Yes. - Like going on past the light. - That's right, yeah. - Like in a comedy club. - Right, yeah. It's as if he was past his prime, but yet he won't stop this curse that he bears. - Yeah, it's really, it's shocking how good Sam is as a writer and he's very smart, yeah. - And it's-- - Even better on stage.

I can only imagine. And you were also, I remember when... This is perfect. Is this good? Is it going well? Honestly, I'll say the intro was bad. As soon as you walked in, I immediately extended for a handshake. I think you thought I was security. It's not an incorrect move. I think I'm the bear. You know, as my therapist always says, Howie, nobody has to live in your world. You have to live in theirs. Bobby's world. Hi. Hi.

Dude, Bobby's World was huge. It meant so much to me as a young man. Oh, yeah. Especially out west. Yeah. Where it always looks like rain. Yeah. Yeah. Bobby's World was paid well. Dude, is it still on? It's still on. It's on Amazon, I think. I don't know where it is, but it's on. I wanted a tricycle so much, but I was too fat.

For a tricycle? Yeah, I was too fat and my legs were too long. Do you know that you can get adult tricycles? It's huge tricycles. I was like five years old, sir. I was chafing already. Bobby Ford was... I was telling Matt, it came on every single time when I had to leave for the bus in the morning. He had to ride a special bus. Yeah, they had a lift on it. It took a while. Yeah. But I...

You were on a special bus? No. I like the thing you do about your, is it your nephew? Uncle. Your uncle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. Thank you. That's brilliant. Thank you very much. And I just love your facial expressions. Yeah, I got it. It's an easy. You do have. It's not difficult for me to morph into that. Isn't that? That's right. I find that. He's code switching. I couldn't stop. There it is. He's code switching. I really am code switching. Yeah.

that'd be funny if we did that you know there's podcasts that sometimes you know they use black i don't know if you know this but i switched in and just like you gotta eat the statue have you ever like an approach to a woman with that

I mean, truthfully, yes. I mean, by the time, if I'm drinking a lot, yeah, I'm there. If I get drunk, my face is that. And I've definitely only, the only time I've ever approached a woman is if I was drunk. So I was making that face. Hey. Yeah.

And that doesn't work? No. No, not doing great. Really? No. And then sometimes he'll have a big lump of skull on his lip, and it looks like he's hiding Legos in there. For winter. Yeah, exactly. Like big holes. Yeah, you don't want to take them away. She wants to get down. Yeah. Down syndrome.

that's what i was doing as a dude oh there you go there you go we have uh we have a thing about living in some way the whole living in someone else's world i got i had to shake hands with a man this week who was a target this guy came up he was like hey fan goes to shake my hand his hand was covered in lotion oh it was the most

fucking lotion out of it like it was like this guy just jacked off like what else would that be for and then he was like hey could you talk to my friend on my phone real quick his phone's covered in lotion he was a super nice guy but satisfied right another satisfied customer at target did you check his other hand

No, but he shook Norman's hand. No, but can I touch your dick to see if it's what I think it is? That guy was jacking off at Target, and then he was like, oh, there's Shane. What aisle were you in? Christmas aisle. Oh, that's weird. It's the holiday season. It is. He was jacking off on all the fucking ornaments. Those are Tiny Tim.

Just like looped up, jacked off guy. Did you mention it? Like I would have mentioned it. You didn't say anything? I didn't mention it, no. Why? Because it was really uncomfortable. And he was excited and I didn't want to. He was very excited. But I didn't want to be like.

Ew. Why is your hand lubricated? What is all over your hand? What's all over your hand? Yeah, what are you covering me in? I've got terrible psoriasis. What is the substance you're covering me in? It was a lot. And he'll go, I'm moisturizing. And you'll go, why didn't you moisturize the other hand? Yeah. Yeah, true. See, and then you got him. I could have checked the other hand. And then you know what's going on. Checkmate. Let me touch where your penis meets your balls. That's where it gets all through. That's where the lotion stays. Yes. That's where you go, I got everything off. I don't need to shower. What is that part called? The perennial duct.

You are a writer. You are an author. Thank you. He is. My wife's also a doctor, so she knows about areas. It's actually called the perennial duct. The perennial duct, I think. Because the perennium is your taint.

The people where your penis meets your ball perennial means that strip is back. No, no, no. I'm talking about where you're my penis doesn't go down to the strip. But I'm talking about where your penis rests on your balls. I think like the absolute midpoint between balls and the start. Mine doesn't even rest. It looks like a third eye in the ball's forehead. Have you ever I used to talk about this in my act, but I remember I used to have you ever sat naked and just put a pair of like sunglasses on your dick? You put it you sit you put a pair of

Sunglasses. Like those? What? Like those? Yeah. Do the bit. Yeah, why?

And then you take a cigarette or something and you put it between your dick and your nuts. Wow. You hold the cigarette and you have a glass. That's really funny. No, it is. And then when you move up, it looks like it's... Samuel L. Jackson? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's a great bit. No, I've never thought of it. I've never done that. You did it when I was a kid. I talked about it in my ad. How?

I talked about it in my act. This is a true story. So I'm doing it in my room. I've got the thing. I don't have a lot of friends. So I made one. And so I put the glasses there and I had a cigarette in between. I'm going like... And the cigarette moves. It's great. I know that who's ever watching this is going to try it too. Oh, for sure. Everybody's going to do it. I'll tell you some other things I did. But my mom walked in. My mom walks in. She walked in. And I was like that. And I just like froze. And I...

you know she says to me you fucking smoke she made you smoke the whole pack no but i mean she was more she was more perturbed that i had a fucking cigarette instead of sunglasses and i was talking to my own nuts yeah yeah why is that well you're being creative i mean did she know you were like a fucking weirdo already

I didn't ask. I just, she was mad at me for having cigarettes, not for putting, she's probably trying to solve one problem at a time. Yeah, let's go with smoking issue. I think it was, I guarantee she was, anybody that would have walked into that room. She caught me doing so many, my mother, my poor mother, the shit that she saw me doing, you know what, I did this too. We, uh,

Do you ever have silly putty? Oh, yes. Do you know what silly putty is? Did you ever do it where you put it on a comic strip? Oh, yeah. And then you would take the comic strip and then you could put that on another piece. I didn't have silly putty. But in the summer when I was sweaty, I would put my balls on the comics.

and did that work yeah no oh yeah it does and then on that we had uh uh like a linoleum like a like a linoleum countertop

And then my mom said, who put fucking Beetle Bailey all over it? Beetle Bailey was the comic. You know what it is? Yeah, he was a war criminal, right? Yeah. And then he was all over and she didn't know it was from my nuts. It was from your nutsack. It transferred from your nuts to the, oh my God. It transferred. It's amazing.

I have so many things to do. I have so many things to do this weekend. The reason I'm telling you guys is because you live here in Texas. There's a lot of humidity, which adds. No, for transferring, it just adds another. It's like you would think Beatle Bailey started on the counter and didn't start in the comics. Yeah.

True. It's perfect. It's the perfect crime. Or just leave him on your nuts. That'd be nice to have a Dilbert. Pardon me? It's not a crime. Just have a Dilbert cartoon on your nuts. Something for, you know. Yeah, just in case. I'm married, so I need everything I can get to be like, hey, you could read the funnies. Yeah, read the funnies. We could 69 and you could get a real good chuckle. What do you see with Kathy going into it? Yeah, Kathy. Sunday funnies! Yeah!

I always I did a lot of things with my testicles really do you have like a pronounced sack now I do because I did things I shouldn't I got cut from um I got cut from one of those um the red those little red did you ever play monopoly yeah those houses sure I got uh cut I cut my nuts on one of those red houses you just ass naked and sat on a didn't say I was adhering them

I thought it would be funny if I adhered them to my nuts. And I was trying to, what I was creating was a cul-de-sac.

I mean, you did cut your testicles on them? Yeah, because they're not made for that. They're sharp. The roofs. Yeah. That's why they're built that way. Yeah, they're very sharp. Preventing exactly what you were trying to do. You know, when you read the box, when you buy Monopoly, you'll say, like, the small object could be a choking hazard. They don't mention... No one was even thinking... This was a joking hazard. Oh, man.

Sorry, Henry. You motherfucker. What? I'm yes-handing. That was great. Yeah. That was great. Your nuts also bleed forever, too, if you caught them. They do. They bleed for fucking ever. They never heal. Yeah. You nick a ball sack while you're shaving, then you get in the shower, and you go, Well, you can imagine how much they bleed from Monopoly. Yeah. It's more than your nuts. You're lucky it wasn't a hotel.

Five houses. Yeah. I'd have to have five houses on my nuts to get a hotel. You don't just get a hotel like that. I'm sorry. Who the fuck is this? Like I got five houses on my nuts. Come on, Sam. That would be nuts. I didn't mean to do that one. Oh, my God. Where are you going to get five houses? Once you get three houses, you're already at the perineal.

duck. That's right, yeah. Once you get the perineal duck, that's a side street. That's a bad neighborhood. That's a bad neighborhood. Filled with lotion. True. From two weeks ago at Target. It's a floodplain. Yeah, I used his loop. I got home, my hand was still lubed up. That's the gift. It was in cysts.

He was Kobe and Shaq. It's a Christmas miracle. You know what to do. He's like, you know what to do with this. He was your stock, too. A little pistol peak. So you've done everything. You've done everything under the sun with your balls. Literally under the sun. Yes. Yes. That's awesome. I was a child. I didn't have a lot of friends.

I didn't have any friends. Really? It was just me and my nuts. Damn. Yeah. You're like Scarface. That's all you have in this world, is you. Your balls and your words.

You ever try and float them in a cup? I did that once. Really? Yeah, like a little teacup. And you try and make your balls float, but they don't float. How do you know they don't float? How do you know they're sinking? Well, if you've ever been in a pool and you've never seen them, they've never rose up on you. Well, they can't rise higher than you. Right, I know. But I tried as a boy to dip my gentleman's purse in a bag and see if it would float. But no, it just descended. It was the worst tea I ever had. They don't sit on top like a water bug? Science! Science! They don't float? No.

Yours don't. Your dick does. You know that my dick floats for sure. Yeah, my dick floats. Your balls float. Your balls don't have enough fat in them. No, that's not true. I'm telling you that there's a problem that you should actually talk to your wife. Is she really a doctor? Yes. What kind of medicine does she practice? Family medicine, emphasis women's health. I usually really fast. Family medicine, emphasis women's health.

You're putting an emphasis on women's health? I do, but so does she. It's important. You're not? What are you, a Republican? What are you, Trump? You must love Texas. But the truth is that they're supposed to float. The fact that you have sinking nuts. Sean, get a cup. Yeah, get a cup. Go to the bathroom and tell us. This is the Patreon.

Sean actually, you can see it right now. Sean is a huge dick. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm being honest with you that it's a problem. If it sinks, there could be some, you could have a fibroid. You could have lead in there. No, but there's a problem. I'm being honest. I don't know if you're being honest, but I feel like your test, mine have never floated in my experience. How many times did you try just that once? As a boy, one time that I remember. No, put an emphasis on female health. Yeah. They don't have to worry about this shit.

They lick their fingers and it's fried gold. We have to get hard. It sucks. Yeah, I think it's bullshit. Yeah, I know. I'm never hard. It's always... Yeah. I'm like half-mast. It's like the president's dead every time. Yeah. Yeah. Stay hard. Toss it in there. See what goes on. See if it stays. We're in business. That's a victory. Do you have an active sex life? Yeah. I believe that. I've been married for a long time, though. I'm married. I'm old. I've been married for 43 years. That's no small feat. Yeah.

That's tough. No, it's average size. We're two masters. You got me going down the pun highway. Yeah, I know. I'm in the back seat. No seatbelt.

I'm doing Kegel exercises right now. Oh, yeah? While we're talking. You're in a Kegel stand? What? Right now? Right now. Is that how I'm doing it? I bet whoever's listening. Now I am. If someone says Kegel, I start squeezing. Oh, there you go. You're focused on the camera. Are you doing it?

Don't look me in the eyes while you do it. So what's good with like, how do you keep, like I would imagine as you advance in age, a lot of your friends just lose their dicks. Like how do you keep your dick into? Kegel exercises. It's just Kegels. I do Kegels and I'm not going to show it now, but I've got a. I'm doing it right now. Are you really? I'll tell you, you should go home, take a picture of your nuts. Okay. Then do. You're going to need a big camera. Yeah.

Sorry. And then do kegels, do a set of kegels in the morning, a set of kegels at night, and do that for six months, and then take a picture of your nuts in six months. I don't want the balls to be bigger. They're not bigger. I have a six sack. Whoa, you're developing more eggs? Too bad you don't celebrate Easter.

I don't even understand what that means. This is, yeah. But you're getting abs on your balls. Yeah, abs on his balls from hegals. Those aren't abs. Those are like a six sack. They're ripped. Okay. They're ripped. Nice. Veiny? Yeah. Vascular? Vascular balls. Yeah. I'm trying to get my dick hard right now. You're trying to get your dick hard right now? I'm trying to get my dick hard. What the fuck is going on? I'm uncomfortable.

Fake fire. I'm trying to change subjects. To what? Dicks? From balls? I'm trying to get from balls to dicks. Howie's dick is good. That's better than we can say for ours. Thank you. And your ball bag looks like a Crown Royal pouch. It's sewed up. Canadian again? No. Is that Canadian? Yeah. Crown Royal? Yeah. Because you guys love the Queen. Yeah.

I didn't. What part of Canada are you from? Toronto. Okay, nice. Seagram's. Crown Royal is Seagram's. Seagram's is a big Canadian company. I didn't know that. Seagram's Ginger Ale. Excellent. What? Seagram's Ginger Ale? No, Canadian. Canada Dry Ginger Ale. There's no Seagram's Ginger Ale. There is in America. Yeah, sure. I can confirm this. There's Seagram's Ginger Ale. We boycotted Canada Dry. Yeah. Why? Because the War of 1812.

Do you remember what you guys did? No. You guys came down and burnt our precious White House. Me? Yeah, your fucking Canadian bullshit ancestors. January 6th. That was our, yeah. You guys really did it. So that's, I want to...

on behalf of me and my entire country. That's why I wanted to be here. I want to apologize. - Thank you. - And thank you. Now I understand the symbolism of your fake fire behind you. - Yes, that's the White House. - Why'd they come down here and do that? - Why'd they do that? - Yeah, why'd they do that? - Why'd I do that? - 'Cause you guys are under the rule of the crown. - True. - You were bastards with the crown. - You guys had to listen to England and they said, "Go burn that fucking White House."

I got to tell you that when I started school, every morning we sang God Save the Queen. We didn't have a flag until I was in fifth grade. The Sex Pistols version? No. Wait, what was the Canadian flag? Union Jack. No. Yes. Wow. And then we came up with the Leaf. The Maple Leaf's nice. I like it. Okay. I like a lot of it, yeah. Oh, you like the Leaf? I like the Canadian flag. How often have you... Yeah, it's nice. Yeah. It's pretty good. But I remember when we got our own flag.

That's exciting. Google, when did Canada get a flag? Sean, quick. When did Canada get a flag? Quit looking at busty TikTok. Toronto's a great city in North America. It's a fantastic city. When did? Yeah, I was already 10 years old. You were born in 55? So was my father. You could do the math. I did. Son?

Daddy, give me the big tricycle. My nuts sink also. Instead of DNA. Nothing floats in this family. Yes. Yeah, I'm the same age as your father. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Matt, speak up. I've been chatting. I just said I got hard. That's it. Then you guys started talking about flags. You got nothing to talk to me about, do you?

I guess I have to talk to you. We don't really have everything. We were just farting around. That was a warm up for the whole thing. I was going to do a podcast but Shane didn't have time yesterday and I got a call. He can't make it to the podcast. Two minutes later after he tells me I go oh fuck and then my dog died.

- Yesterday. - All within 15 minutes. - I'm sorry. - Shane canceled the podcast. - The dog did not die. - You think they're connected? - I don't believe it. - It might be connected. - I saw the photo. - I sent a photo because he said, "I don't." Who says I don't believe it? I go, "I can't talk now, my dog died." I sent him a photo and he said, "I don't believe it." - Let me see the dead dog. - You think they're connected? - Yeah, that's it. - What? - The dead dog. - Those are dead dogs.

Where'd you find this dead dog? Why are you laughing? Where did you find this dead dog? We rescued him about six years ago. My wife and I rescued him. And he died. He has been the pillar. I rescued him the same day my father passed. What did you name the dog? Daddy. The dog's name was Papa? Papa. Papa. And what breed other than dead was this dog? Dead is not a breed. What type of dog was it? Mixed.

I'm looking at it. I want to see if you remember. Dark furry mix. And I lost my father and I thought I have no direction in life. And we went and we rescued this dog and the dog has been by my side. I travel with the dog and the dog has been there. And I said, I'm coming to Austin. And there's only one reason to come to Austin. I want to, I want to talk to Shane. Shane has been blowing up the internet and,

Been blowing up the comedy world. Blowing up toilets. Blowing up. But I'm telling you, because he meant a lot to me. I'm one of the owners of Just for Laughs. Oh, really? And Shane was at New Faces. I was there that year, too. Nothing happened for me. Well, he got Saturday Night Live. I know. And when I heard that, I've been watching Saturday Night Live every Saturday. You're not getting a lot of screen time. No. No, it turns out I...

They didn't want me. Oh. Yeah. Just finding out. Because of this podcast. They saw this. Oh. And they said no. Anyway. Who's Matt? It wasn't my fault. It was not my fault. You said it. I didn't say anything. But you were supposed to be on Saturday Night Live and then.

Yeah. Something happened. And then. I had one bad meal. What? One bad meal. I was venting about a restaurant experience I had. Just got taken out. No, I know. I know. I know. Let's not bring it up. Let's not bring it up. No, no. But it's ancient history. But my mother was so worried about me and paid to have the shots for the dog. And the dog has been with me ever since. Was the dog vexed? Did your mom pay? Yeah. And I came here to Austin and I said, you know what?

What I love, what I would love is if I could talk to Shane Gill. Shane has been like a bright light on the internet and on the stage. His face is like a bright light. It's so round and white. I can't believe it. I flew all the way here with this guy with the camera, flew all the way here, and then I get a call. Where'd you get him? The skate park? He looks like a furry mix. It's okay.

And then you said, I can't make it. And I go, what the fuck? He's not going to do my podcast?

He said he can't make it. I said, oh, wait. I'll wait. Anytime. Just come for an hour. I'll bring my cameras here. I'll do something. And he said, no. And then I went, I just squatted down with Papa. You want to get one last pet? And I gave him a pet. And he falls over. That sucks. And he was taking a picture of it. And I said, send this to Shane. The dog died. He doesn't show up. But now you're here at his house doing his pot. It's as if he power moved you.

In your time of woe and grief. I would console you with touch. Fuck you laughing at me. He's a nasty little bug. Bob is not...

He eats slime. He does eat slime. Yeah. I had to put my dog down recently, Howie. I didn't have to. He was three weeks. Oh, now I feel good. Thank you. Oh, another dog is gone? Why is your fucking dead dog? All I hear from you is bad news. Your nuts don't float. Your dog is dead. I am just a shadow of gloom. I'm just trying to... I got over. I'm getting over the loss of my dog. You fucking up on my podcast. And all you're doing is, you know...

Just down. Should we say like a eulogy in honor of your dog? To Papa? Yeah. I'm Papa. What? To Papa. To Papa. Yes. You're a writer. Go ahead. Dear ancient Hebrew God.

You don't have to pander to the Jew in me. I'm not. Yeah, I think you are. Try to be respectful. Well, I'm just saying. Dear deity of Abraham. You opened with a Holocaust reference, so you can't take that back. No, that is the first thing you did was bring up the Holocaust. Yes, true. Yes, you did. On these trying times right now. We were saying what we were thankful for. Yeah. Wow. I didn't say which Holocaust. Anyway. Sure, it could have been the Armenian. It could have been, which I...

Dear Lord above, we are here in this tragic time to come to you to offer consolation and solace to our mentor and hero, Howie Mandel. And if it would bring you any kind of succor in your time, Howie, let it be known that your dog has gone on to feed a bunch of worms and beetles beneath the earth. And now their children are being provided for with the sustenance brought by your canine's body.

In Christ our Lord, amen. Did you think that was a good eulogy? Deal or no deal? True. No deal. No deal. No deal. No deal. You're doing it again, Matt. I'm trying to help you. I lost a fucking dog. I lost my fucking dog. I hope you find him. Hold on. Hold on. We have something. We have something planned. Matt, here's a little segment we do on the show. Regardless of who the guest is, we do a bit of a talent show. True. This has nothing to do with...

America's Got Talent. America's Got Talent. No, we do everything. But Matt did want to show you something. True. No way. What are you doing? He's having an attack. I just wanted to dance with you and see what you thought. You wanted to dance? Well...

Oh. I thought you were having some kind of... You were stricken with palsy. Now, would you say that that was talented? That was pretty good. I think it started with Promise. True. And then... The truth of the matter is, it's not really about the dance. It's not about the movement. You have to...

Give me some background, tell me a story. Tell me something sad about your story. - Oh, true. - Tell me something that you, and then with the story, then I will judge it. - Yeah, well, my parents both died while they were dancing, so. My parents were dancing. They used to always dance in front of us, like at dinner time, they'd get up and dance, and then one time they just go-- - So now you're an orphan, and you dance to connect yourself to your dead parents. - Back to my parents. They died, yeah.

They're ballroom dancing. I got to tell you something. I connect because my dog died. And what I do is when I see dogs on the street shitting that aren't mine, I'll pick up that shit to remind me of my dog. True. You dance to remind me of your, to remind yourself of your dead parents. Absolutely. And you know what I'm sensing when I see you dance, it's not about the movements. They're not perfect. You're not in time, but it's about the heart.

And I don't know that if people who are watching, wherever you're watching this, I don't know if they can feel it, but we feel it here in the room. That's pretty good. Oh, you are. You're a pro. No, I am. You moved us. You did. And we feel it. And I don't have the power to move you to whatever the next thing is from here. For sure. But if it was up to me and there was a golden buzzer here. Oh, confetti. Fireworks. Thank you.

I have talents. You're going to sit and write a book? That's a little bit of a... Hambone, as we call it out there in the circuit. In Calgary? Yeah. Do you have a story that goes with that? Yeah. So they used to call me Hambone. Yeah.

And then I used to do that and they'd give me food scraps. Yeah. Play your body like a drum. And I would, I would tap it and I would slap it. Red buzzer. Oh, Oh, no, I'm just sorry. It's not a, it's not a, and maybe other people might find it good. I think that, you know, talent is subjective and, and, and, and is it subjective or objective? Uh,

It's whatever you want it to be. You're the fucking writer. Go ahead. It's subjective. Okay. And I didn't connect with that. Okay. What if I was molested by a guy named Hambone and he taught me how to do that? Golden buzzer. Okay. All right. Perfect. What's your podcast all about? What do you do?

We talk about the possibility of getting Shane Gillis on our podcast. We have other guests. How would you compare yourself to Shane Gillis? People can talk about manifesting, manifesting. If you have a goal and if you want something in life, you just manifest it and it'll come true. And if we always open, what is today's manifest manifestation? Shane Gillis and Papa.

in the same room both of them alive too yeah and we just talk about the virtues of manifesting that's what we do that's the podcast what's it called the Mandela effect no not the Mandela effect that would have been good that would have been good that would have been nice

What is the name of the podcast? Howie Mandel Does Stuff. Okay. And it's with my daughter. No, I don't do stuff with my daughter. That was my follow-up. Pardon me? That was my follow-up question. Did I step on you? No, no, no. You answered it perfectly. Thank you. Yes. Yes. And you guys are just doing stuff, like whatever. Pardon me? You guys just do like whatever, like just do stuff. Well, it's not as smooth and well-planned as this. Yeah.

- Ours is more loosey goosey and less produced. - When it comes to the planning, I did fuck you pretty bad on that dance and I do apologize. That should have been you initiating that dance. - Oh, it was fine. - My bad on that. - It's no big deal. - You should see him sing too. - Oh my God, Howie. - You can see him sing without hearing him? - You technically could.

- Definitely. - That would be a good thing where you take acapella to the next level. - You don't even fucking sit here. - So no music and no voice. - Just saying, that'd be actually really nice, yeah. Just a big opera just launching out, pretty nice. - Do you sing? - I'm right. - I'm an amateur. - So, two nights ago they had the holiday party at Rogan's Comedy Club. - Heard about it. Is that why you couldn't make it? - There was Carrie, that was, no. Yesterday I had a bunch of bullshit.

But there was karaoke. I'm going to use that. I'm going to use it. You don't know when you want to make an excuse. Yeah. Oh, I can't make it. Bullshit. Bullshit came up. Yeah. The excuse is the bullshit. Well, you can't keep using the dead dog thing. So now you have the new one. I said, send them, text them. I said to you, text them the picture of the dead dog. He'll fall for that. And you go, oh, fuck. Yeah, he's an ape. Who fucking cares? I don't care. But there was karaoke at the...

at the party and Matt got up there and I was- - What was your karaoke song of choice? - "Unchained Melody." - Wow. - Brought the house down, Howie. - Brought the fucking house down. - Yes. - That was a golden buzzer. - Isn't that a two-part thing? - No, it's not a duet. - I mean, it is a righteous ghost. - Wasn't that in "Ghost," the movie "Ghost?" - Yeah. - Yeah, Patrick Swayze. - Yeah. - There's a video someone posted of him singing and then it was me- - You know what would be funny? You could reenact that

Shane, you get your Patreon thing, put it between your legs like you're molding it. You get behind him like you're showing him how to mold it. - And sing the wrong-- - And redo the scene from Unchained Melody, from Ghost. Wouldn't that be great? And he makes that little Patreon egg thing. - It's like your balls. - Pardon me? - It does.

Oh, you're right. After you peel the house off. Yeah. True. Discolored. Pardon me? Discolored. Yes. Thank you. We have our own thing going over here. You guys do. We literally have a podcast going. It's perfect. This is great. How is he doing featuring Sam? How long is each of your episodes? We can end it whenever, but usually like an hour. Yeah. Because it already seems like an hour. I bet it's been shockingly not a lot of time. Yeah. Yeah.

We can also start from up top and just rip. We got all the weird energy out of the room. Yeah. Oh, so you want to start? I think this has been going great. It is good. We should keep going. Me and you were carrying the weight. Gay Hamlin. Wait, was it you? They never found him. Where did I put the scraps? Well, I don't want to ask you personal questions. Go ahead. You can ask me anything. I'm open. I'm open. I'm here to be played. When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday when Papa. And right before that, it was when Shane said, nope, can't make it. Why? Bullshit. Got a lot of bullshit. True. I think that's fair. It is. I think it's fair. What is fair? Just going fucking excuse. It was mental health. It was your mental health. My mental health. Yeah, your mental health. Now you're panning. It was mental health. Okay. Seeing that fucking picture of that dead dog.

Trail, I mean, no spiral because I was thinking about my dog, Shaquille. His dog's died before. How lucky am I that right when you cancel, a fucking dog dies right beside me? How lucky am I? Am I the luckiest guy in the world? I mean, what are the chances that I would be here in Austin and a dog would die right beside me right when this guy cancels doing my podcast? I've gone my whole life without finding a dead dog.

Really? Yeah. Well, that's because you're not looking around. You're wondering whether your nuts are floating. I know. Look up, young man. I can't. You may find, if you're lucky, you may find your own dead dog. I can't wait.

Found a dead turtle the other day. How do you know? Real deal dead turtle. In the pond. In the pond. How do you know? How do you know? I was like, I pride myself on being able to sneak up on animals. So I was like, I'm getting pretty fucking close to this turtle. That's your pride in life? That's what you pride yourself in? That's a lot of people's pride in life. Sneaking up on animals is very, very important. How hard is it to sneak up on a fucking dead turtle? That's the thing. I thought it was alive. Turtle.

It wasn't. And you didn't sneak up on it. It was dead. I technically did sneak up on a dead turtle. There's a dead turtle in a pond? Now who's the fucking idiot? I technically did sneak up on this dead turtle. Yeah, you fucking idiot. Dude, I was so close and I was like, what the fuck? Its head was all the way out. It was just like, ah. Yeah, it was dead. It's in a pond.

how do you know you know uh turtles can be shocked very easily you know that oh yeah they're that's what i'm saying i'd never usually breathe around you're going to shell shock sam writing for you now sam's got me sam wrote a lot yeah uh no because you could have killed it he could have startled it they startle so fast that's why i was like dude this is crazy they do scary they turtles are faster than you can be quick they're so fast man their heads are in the water they fucking pop right down

- Really? You're both convinced that turtles are so fast? - They're fast as fuck. - If you ever try to sneak up on one, especially on a log, by water you get close to it, it falls right in. - Right off. And they stick their heads out of ponds. - That's knocking a turtle off a fucking log. That's not it scurrying.

especially if you sneak up on a turtle on a log. You say like millions of people are watching now going, they're right. They're right. Dude, a lot of people literally are. Sneaking up on animals is like the ultimate pastime. It is. It's the ultimate pastime. Sneaking up on animals is why we're here. I'm just carrying a torch into the future.

I want to make sure I can sneak up on these animals. I got close to a lizard the other day. Sneaking up on dogs in the house? Very fun. I was hitting my dog with a... When your living dog is asleep, you sneak up on it. You fucking scare him. They get scared. It's very fun. The lower yard of the ground used to do that. I was hitting my dog with a leaf blower yesterday. Unrelated, I was hitting my dog with a leaf blower full blast and he would jump up in the air every time. I used to play a lot with Papa. I used to always like to sneak up on him and give a little hug.

That's nice. You could have him stuffed. Then you could sneak up on him whenever you want. True. Or smelt him. Smelt it down. Smelt it down to a... Yeah. It's like an amulet. Yeah. Make a diamond out of your pup. Or you grind his bones to make your bread. Yeah. Like a witch in a fairy tale. Although, dude, for real, I had a... You might attract ogres. Someone I know...

So my one of my cousins, I won't say who they're one of their neighbors dog died. And my cousin sent him a text thinking like, kind of as a joke, like, yo, great, like, congratulations on getting rid of your dog. And the dude called him back. And he's like, why the fuck would you send me that?

He's like, that's so fucked up. That is fucked up. Yeah. I know, but I'm like, it was fucked up. But he called my brother back being like, what's this guy's problem? You know, it's awesome. But it's funny, right? Is that what you're saying? Well, my brother was like, you know, we had like dogs. You know what's more fucked up? Huh? Name him. Name him now. I'm not going to name my cousin. Name your cousin. No. They don't name the kids in his family until they're 35. True.

what side of the family is it on your mother's side i won't i absolutely won't i didn't betray my family for this yeah but he it was just funny because he my brother had explained to him like yeah our family grew up like kicking and beating dogs that's why it's funny but like nobody else does that people love their dogs wait huh yeah we grew up in a house of like full yeah everyone beat their dogs in my family

What do you mean beat, though? You beat them. If they were bad, you beat their ass. Huh. If they were in the way, you'd fucking get the fuck out of here and kick dogs. Yeah. They have large dogs? Yeah. No, they're poodle kickers. They were beating the shit out of shepherd. Dude, they had a fucking guard dog. They had a trash yard, and they had a guard dog, and they fucking shot it in the head.

Because it wasn't doing a good job. It tried to bite a customer. Oh. So they fucking blasted it. So that's like all that context. That's why my dog is like, congrats on getting rid of a dog. Like everyone else is like shooting dogs and stuff. Yeah, yeah. He thought nothing of it. He thought nothing. I'd be so sad if somebody made fun of my dead dog like that. Yeah, my brother would explain to him how like normal people work. And he's like, no, that's actually really sad for a family to lose a dog. And he's like, all right, I guess. What are they, fucking pussies? Yeah.

Don't look at me. I don't know where to look. When I killed a dog once, just because I rolled over on it while I was sleeping. Is that true? Is that true? You killed a dog like that? You haven't? No. Did you really roll over on a dog? Why were you fucking a dog? I wasn't fucking a dog. I get asked this all the time. I was not fucking the dog. It was light frittage. And...

It was heavy petting. We're back. A lot of people didn't have faith in this podcast. A lot of them tapped out already. True. They would have missed that. True.

Do you do like a cold opening where you'll say, this is good stuff coming up? We do a 45-minute cold opening. Very fucking cold, full podcast. Yes. If you wait, Sam's going to fuck a dog and kill it. Yeah. Go ahead. Not in that order either. I like it cold. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Hey, you brought it up. This is so different than America's Got Talent. If we were the judges, that'd be fun. It would be. Who were the other judges? Kelly Clarkson? No. No? No. Heidi Klum? Heidi Klum. Va-va-voom.

I wish she was that dead dog, if you know what I mean. I do know what you mean. Fucking corpse. Sure. Sophia Vicar. Ooh, even better. I bet those float. Wait, you're going to like this? Simon Cowell. Yo, what's good on Simon? Yeah, what do you got? You like Simon?

I like... Give us the dirt. Why is he so critical? I think I'm more critical than him now. No, dude. You don't want? I hate to break it to you. Not more critical. I think people say this. You're always very kind to the comics. And my one friend... Oh, because it's hard. My one Doogie. Doogie Horner. Oh, I love him. He's a Philly guy. We started with him. Wow. Yeah. That was big for us. I think that people don't understand...

comedy and don't understand that you know if somebody's up there and I'm not taking anything away from the ability to sing or dance like yourself yeah but you know I don't know what you're really bringing bringing to the table you know if you're singing somebody else's song you go to fucking Ramada Inn and you could see somebody singing but a comic is

is out there, writes the material, performs the material. Sometimes they create a character for themselves. Like Josh Blue. Yeah. It's really hard. Josh Blue created that character. Yeah, he's faking it. He's faking that whole thing? He's fine, yeah. But he came up with the whole... He has CP, but it's not cerebral palsy, if you know what I mean. Carry on. A cunt and a penis? Yes, let's go with that. Yeah, yeah. He can bang himself, Howie. He's never alone.

So but the point being that I don't think people give it the the gravitas and the worth of a comic, especially if you go on after somebody's been hanging upside down from the ceiling. The Chinese lady with plates. It's a tough follow. Is that who he followed? I don't know. She's good, though. That let you know I'm talking about. She does NBA. She always catches the plates. Are you talking about Hibachi?

I mean, pretty much. It's just a regular hibachi. Hibachi grill? That's impressive as fuck. Hibachi? Still, yeah. For sure. Every time I go, I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, the guy puts the shrimp. Right. The shrimp tail. Throws it in your fat mouth. Right in your gullet, dude. No, he gets it in his hat. Isn't that what he does? Yeah.

Yeah, it's another one of their tricks. Yeah. Yeah, he's always in his hat or he makes the volcano. Yeah, I mean volcanoes the onion volcanoes awesome Wow, yeah true. We went to one of we I've talked about before but we went to a bocce thing me and the girl I was dating at the time and the guy was mad the chef he was just angry the whole time really and was literally like open your fucking mouth your mouth Sake bitch, what? Yeah. Yeah, like

Shot it right in my fucking mouth. Whoa. Warm sake? Aggressive warm. Open your fucking mouth. Just dribble down your chin. Are you looking him in the eye? I've never done this before. What are you saying? I just feel like hibachi restaurants are enjoyed by a population of the American community.

Have you, in your black experience, have you noticed that hibachi is very popular in the community? Yeah. Every time I go there. I have a picture in my house. We're at Benihana's. Yeah. It's usually black families, very dressed up. And then me and my wife, and I'm afraid to speak.

'cause I don't wanna blow it for everybody. I'm not at all being nasty, this is the truth. - No, it's not a truth, it's just a bullshit observation that doesn't apply to any other place. - Well, it's my lived experience that makes it truth. - Yeah, you live in a fucking dream world.

- I don't know. - Oh yeah, well wake me up, Howie. God. - I like going to Hibachi and I'm white. - True, we my family go to Hibachi and I've been there with my wife's family too. We've all went. - Every time I go, it just seems like it's the population. - A lot of black people. It's like a Dave and Buster's. Those things are packed with blacks. - What, are they?

No. Every time. Dave and Buster's? Dave and Buster's. No. I go into Dave and Buster's all the time because they got the deal or no deal machines. I'm there all the time. I play those. Yeah. I got one in my office. I go up to people like right while they're playing and I'll go, I'll just, they're like so into it and they're figuring it out and they don't see me coming and I'll just put my chin on the shoulder and go deal or no deal.

And then I say, get the fuck off me. That's exactly it. Get your fucking white ass out of here, motherfucker. God damn it, Howie. And then you should whisper, they'll never believe you. Yeah.

That is awesome if you ever do that for me I do that rich didn't I do that and didn't I get elbowed I? Did I got elbowed and get the fuck off of me? I did and they were laughing so fucking hard. I had the wind They're gonna be so excited to see me this is gonna be great. Oh

And even when I fell over, they didn't even turn. And then I thought, at least they'll go, oh, fuck, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you. Didn't even get that. No. Stay the fuck away from me. What the fuck are you doing? I did. I did. So I kind of hide. I don't go out in public too much anymore. I'm always... You're getting attacked. What? You're getting attacked.

In public, you get attacked. I do. You shouldn't have to go to David Buster's, Howie. You're doing quite well. David Buster's is fun. I love it. I know. David Buster's is shit, man. You know what's fun? It's how to play the games without touching anything.

that's for me i play a whole different you probably have like a sporting wand i got a sporting one yeah that's why that guy had lotion all over his hands that's right that was fucking i'm with you on that i might be done with fucking handshakes after that one there's no reason to shake hands i don't think anybody even if you're not a germaphobe i don't understand if i don't know you yeah even if i do know you

And you're not somebody I... Like, why do we need to touch? It doesn't even make sense. The European greeting used to be a kiss on the lips, and then the plague happened, and people were spreading the bubonic plague through saliva, so they ended up shaking hands. Wait, everybody kissed on the lips? That was the traditional European greeting.

Greeting all over the country. For everybody. Yes. Hello. Hi, Sam. Yeah. No. You know where kissing came from? No. I think traditionally you'd hold mouth in your food and if you wanted to talk to another person, you'd flash a little food at them and then they would come and just eat chewed up food out of your mouth.

That's birds. Yeah, I think we were birds. Why would we kiss? I think that's why we kissed. We would sit in the wild with food and girls would come up to us and we would just go like that and then we'd feed them from our mouths. Huh. Who? That's my theory on kissing. That's a theory on kissing? Yeah, where else do you think it came from? Why would we kiss? Why would we kiss?

- Because you wanna fuck. - Because your lips have different-- - Yeah, but before, there'd be no, you could just, in the wild, no other animal kisses each other. - Yeah, they do. - They nuzzle. - No. - Dogs will lick another dog's ass. - Why is that? What is your theory on that? - Ass tastes good. - 'Cause there's peanut butter in his ass. - 'Cause it's a guy. - 'Cause you tricked that slutty dog again. - No, but seriously, I don't-- - No other animal kisses.

Not that I know of. I think it was back in the day you would have some food in your mouth. The reason you don't see them kissing is because you're sneaking up on them and killing them. I would see them. That's definitely where you would see them. No, you're behind. You don't see them kissing. Yeah. You're coming up behind. Dude, I'm telling you. I think we used to just sit there and women would come up to you and you'd just give them a little bit of food. Can somebody Google where the kissing comes from? Where does kissing come from?

How was kissing invented? Who was the first guy or girl or whoever that said, "You know what, I'm gonna suck your face." - It was Jimmy Kisses. - Jimmy Kisses. - He used to work at the dock. And he would greet all the Irish as they came off the boat with a smooch. - Welcome. - They'd say, "Oh, you tricked me. "I thought you had food in there. "I thought there was food. "You're dirty, boss." - And then they would conscript them and they'd go fight the war. - And they had to go to Tennessee. - What does it say it came from?

Okay. And why? Pussy bragging. Pussy bragging on spire glyphs. On a cuneiform tablet. Yeah, he's drawing a bird. He's drawing bullshit. Why did they say why? That's just where. No, it's just because they were the first ones to write anything down. Yeah, true. Kisses have been there. You probably wrote down, like, I met a girl in Babylon. I would imagine kissing is pretty much instinctive.

Yeah, so it was sexual, but it wasn't a feed. It was sexual. They don't know shit. No, but it felt good. Of course my saliva could taste the stuff. I'm dripping the shit off my fucking fingernails, dude. I'm all test. He's teed up.

So you just quit doing any more research after you read that asinine stuff? Well, you didn't get an answer. Yeah. You didn't get an answer. So I would get stronger if I kissed guys all the time. That was the case. He looks like a ventriloquist. Do you want to show him your talent? The Ventriloquism Act? Oh. Take your time.

You're really good at it. I don't think I... I'm so humble about it. Are you talking about having Sean sit on my lap as my dummy? Well, I was going to maybe allow that to happen in a comedic way, but yes. Yeah. Should I pretend I didn't hear that? We can do it in private. Yeah, we can do it in private. A little private show? We can turn all the lights off after. Not for the podcast, just like after. No, no, no, just after I'll have Sean sit on my lap. Completely nude. The old cigarette trick. But you're able to reach up Sean's ass and manipulate his lips. Yeah, a little ratatouille.

You can move his lips with your... How do you move his lips? How do you get from the ass to the lips? Watch this. He's practicing kissing. What do you think of that? I mean... The theory still stands by that. Would you ever consider AGT? Oh, yeah.

I'm telling you. He would eat 12 dozen hard-boiled eggs. I would go eat eggs. Is that your thing? You can eat 44 eggs. I would eat a dozen eggs. I'd say, Heidi Klum, wait till you see this. And I'd suck down a bunch of fucking gas station eggs. We've had people do that. They would have me escorted off. We've had people do that. We had a group come on. I can't remember who they were. You know who they are, Jeremy. The guy came on and just pissed himself. What? What happened?

Rich, the guy who just pissed on the stage, they got mad, but that's what he did. He just pissed himself. I mean, if that's real. It's real. He's a comedian. You're going to Vegas. He was a comedian, and he had planned to do that. They didn't know. He said he was going to do something else, and he just said, I'm nervous. He said he's going to shit himself. Yeah, yeah. They're like, genius. If you look on TikTok, the people from...

VCR party or something. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Is that the guys that do the home videos? They do. You know what they also did? They booked themselves on morning shows. Yes. Yes, with fake things. Fake strength. Yeah, they're so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Those guys. No, not Chad and JT. Chad and JT do the things where they go to HOA meetings and public meetings. These are guys that were really on real like good morning, Wisconsin. Yeah. And he was a do feats of strength. Yes. Yes. Was there one where the guy was like, I have to take this phone call?

Have you ever seen that one? No. Before he got on and did one of these bullshit acts, he told them, he was like, something's wrong with my father. He's in the hospital. Yeah. And I need to leave my phone on just in case something happens. And in the middle of the segment, he picks up the phone. He's like, oh, God. Oh, no. He's like, oh, no. Dad. I love it. Like, he just says his final words to his dad. Oh, yeah. Live on live TV. Well, that happens. Yeah.

There was another show that I just love that fake stuff, but there was another guy. Do you have their names? You can't find him? No, he pissed himself on AGK. I mean, that's as funny as it gets. What did you guys say to him? I laughed. They were really, the production was not happy. Simon was like, you call that piss. I'll show you piss. You have enough hairs. People thought it was a joke, like maybe he had something in his head. You know, when I first started acting,

I thought it was funny. This is in the 70s. I started, I had like a squirt gun in my pants. And I would just stand on stage and I thought it was funny. And I would just hit the thing and my pants would get wet. It was funny in the little clubs. Just to watch. And I would never even say anything about it. I would never even say, but it was funny to me. And I'd be going, do you ever notice like when you go shopping, the fourth wheel and the cart doesn't work? And then I'd hear like mumbling below because there's everybody. What is this?

- He's pissing himself. - The guy's pissing himself. He's not even saying anything. - So you saw the America's Got Talent guy and you were like, this is a genius. This guy's actually doing it. - But I did these things. My wife would always say like, who's the fucking joke on you? Not even saying gotcha. - No, it's so funny. - People just think Howie Mandel pissed himself. I did that. - It's so good. - But I wasn't known and I wasn't on TV and I just like, my whole act was a fucking joke when I started. You know that. It was a dare.

Oh, really? My act was a dare. Was the glove thing a dare? Well, I'll tell you what the glove thing was. And I just talked about this recently. So somebody dared me to get on stage in the mid-70s. There was a before this boom that feels like it's happening again. I went to a comedy club. I had never been to a comedy club. And they said they're having open mics. So somebody said to me, you should go up. And I said, oh, OK, I'll go. I'll do that.

thinking that the joke would just be somebody went, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel. There's no reason for Howie Mandel to be on stage or be introduced anywhere. They go, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel. I walk out and there's a smattering of applause. And then people sitting there, I've never been on a stage. And you realize, I see the mic and now these people, they stop laughing. And I realize, what the fuck is this?

And I started getting terrified and I start going, okay, okay, okay, okay. All right. Okay. And I was trying to think of something and they started giggling at my nervousness and my fear. And I would go, what, what?

And that became like my act. And then I had nothing to do. And I put my hands in my pocket and I had rubber gloves because I have OCD and I was out in public and I didn't want to touch anything. And I knew I probably had to go to the restroom. So I always carried gloves. So I had the glove and I took it out. I went, okay, okay, okay. And I just pulled it over my head and I started breathing and the fingers are going up. The audience is laughing. And then I blew it up and it popped off my head and the audience applauded.

Sorry, good night. I knew enough that that was leaving. Yeah, that's a drop the mic moment. And I went, good night. And you ripped the glove bit. Yeah. And and then and then the owner of the club, Mark Breslin, he owns Yuck. Yeah. Have you ever met Mark Breslin? He owned Yuck Yucks. He goes, you've got to come back tomorrow. And I go and do what? He goes, do what you did. What the fuck did I do? Yeah. Well, close with the glove. I went, OK. Wow. And so my act became out of nothing. My whole career is nothing.

Well, in a moment of this podcast, you had done the glove before, though, just not on stage. I had just done like breathing and move the fingers just because I carry a blog. But not I wasn't a comedian. I wasn't. Of course, you were never. I was in sales. I was in. You know, I got thrown out of school at 17. I was not. Would you get kicked out for?

- A bunch of stuff. - The old cigarette trick. - The sisters didn't love it. - The last thing was they ended up doing it in Caddyshack, but I did it before the movie ever. I didn't want to go swimming. - Shit in the pool. - Turd in the pool? - I did the shit in the pool, but I didn't want to go swimming. I could show you, you can see

When the Caddyshack come out, probably came out in 1980. If you look at Make Me Laugh in 1978, I'm on, and I talk about why I got thrown out of school. I threw the chocolate bar in the pool, and when the kids hung around, they all showed up at the end of the day to look to see the turd at the bottom of the pool. And I just, without thinking, I dived in and came up with it in my mouth.

And then they called me to the... Which I thought was funny, but when you're like 15 or 16 years old, I was the most disgusting. Everybody hated me and thought I had eaten shit. Well, that's crazy. Because that's literally the funniest guy on earth. Yeah, but not in context. Especially if it was shit.

And then I did other things, too. I moved to another school and then I thought it was funny. And I didn't tell anybody because I didn't have any friends. But I hired a guy. I phoned the Yellow Pages to a contracting firm and I had the guy said, we want to add 25 feet onto the library on the west side of the school. Could you measure and give me a a an estimate? And he said, OK, what's your name? And I said, I'm Howard Mandel. And he was like, that's an adult's name.

- Yeah, I was always Howard. Everybody was mad at me. But I said, "And you need to do it at 3:15, we'll open it up because the kids are in class. That's when I need you to measure and do it." And I did that because I was in math at that time and I looked out onto the field and it was funny to me to watch this guy with a tape measure and he's writing down things and he's out in the field. And then I saw the vice principal walk out in the field and talk to him. And I know like just in my own mind, he's going, "What are you doing?" And he's going, "I'm gonna give an estimate."

on the addition onto the library. - Yeah. - 25 years. - And he's going, "Who authorized this?" And he goes, which made me laugh, "Howard Mandel." You see the guy leaves and then they go and over the loudspeaker says, "Would Howard Mandel please come to the office?" And I go to the office and the principal goes, "Did you..."

Are you getting a, did you tell a guy to build an addition onto the library? And I go, no. He goes, he gave me your name. And I go, no, I'm getting three estimates. I'm a lot more. And he goes, could you please, like he's nervous. He goes, could you please sit down? And I sat down and they called my parents and

And my parents came in and he's, it was the best, I'm biting my lip. He's explaining to my parents, you know, your son hired a company to put an addition onto the library. As if my parents, I've told this story so many times, but my parents were supposed to say like, we told them never to do that. But they couldn't, they started laughing. They were laughing. They were trying to laugh and they said get out. But I was always doing things like that. I always like. It's a very precocious prank. Theater of discomfort. Discomfort is always there.

my happy place. - Yeah. - I guess somebody's calling. - It was one thing when you ate the turd, Howie, but this whole addition is too much. - Really? - You have to leave school. No, I'm telling you, roll the prints out. - No, I did a lot of things. I would do a lot of things. I came into class, we had a class on the second floor.

And I would come in 10 minutes early. I would go before and I'd unlock the window and then I'd go to the janitor's office and I'd get a ladder and 10 minutes, the class is already in. I'm not there. I would just climb in through the window and go sit down at my desk like nothing happened. Damn. It's pretty awesome. I got in trouble for, I was not even close. I was like just a fart in class.

That was as far as I got. You were doing real good pranks. Classical. They're good now. I'm almost 70 years old and I tell you these stories and now they get laughs. At that time, I was a pariah. You were ahead of your time.

I didn't even have the wherewithal to say, hey, you don't understand that I'm ahead of my time. You are going to, in three decades from now, you are going to find this so fucking funny. You know, I was just, I was like five feet tall. You had to feel vindicated when they did it in Caddyshack, though.

no i actually tried to sue i i well because it's canadian that wrote it a guy who saw me talking about it at yuck yuck i don't think he took it i think he might have thought of the same thing but you can't you can't in a movie or something like that if if he took like three or four different things in a row but you know i i asked questions i i'm just saying if you look at

make me laugh and you could look at the date on it sometime in 77 and then you look at when the caddyshack come out yeah so this is three years before i was talking about it on wasn't written yet yeah it could be it's a it's easy to say that you know you throw a chocolate bar in a pool two people could have thought of it i'm not a genius no that's canadian schoolduggery is what that is that's treason

Yeah, until the queen gets wind of this. You know there's a comedy college outside of Toronto? Yeah, no, in Toronto. They dedicated a wing to me there. A chicken wing. Hold for the laugh. I'm waiting. Whatever. It's not coming. Whatever. There you are. You just did an hour. You just did an hour. I love the signal. There's a guy off camera. That's it. You can pull it, whatever. Get the damn out of here.

No, I know. I got to go because he's got bullshit to do. He doesn't have... He has to eat a big meatball sub. Yeah, no, he's got bullshit. He doesn't have time. He doesn't have time. This is crazy. I have time for you, Howie. We can hang out. Oh, now who's got bullshit?

That was bullshit time. I got to hang out with him. I got to fucking hang out with Sam. You get to. It was his birthday yesterday. That's bullshit. No, it was. Are you serious? Yeah. Swear to me. I swear.

So why wouldn't you just say that? Why didn't you use that? Because that is bullshit. I'm an adult man being like, it's actually, it's my birthday. It was his 42nd birthday. Yeah, that wasn't the reason, actually. No, but you don't think that's a good enough reason? No, yesterday I had to do that fucking, I had to do Rogan's podcast and Kill Tony. You didn't do Kill Tony? No, I drank so much on Rogan's podcast, I got sick and had to go home. What are you doing today? You can see the bursted blood vessel in my eye. What are you doing today? Hello? Today, I...

And now after this, I'm done. - So why don't you and Sam come over and do my podcast? - Maybe. - Doing stuff. - It's as good as this. We still have one more podcast after this. And then yeah. - I'll wait. - Yeah, hang out. - I'll wait. We're doing it. We're having a ceremony. We're having a ceremony for Papa for the next. - Four hours. - What? - It's a four hour long. - Do you need a grave digger? - 'Cause I got a guy. We're not doing, we're not burying Papa. - What are you gonna do, emulsify? - I don't even know what that is. - Dog mayonnaise. - What?

You're going to whip him up and do an emulsion out of oil. Like with sardines and Caesar dressing. I've never done that. Then you get it all over your hand. Then you go to Target. Then you meet him. I know. And he licks it off your fingers. He wasn't jerking off. His dog died. His dog died. And he gave him his last little pet. And he felt down. And he went, Shane Gillis? Could you emulsify something? Like a...

anything right if you could fake protein plus fat you could jack off with remains have you ever eaten balut oh yeah for sure do you know what that is balut is the what the smoked liver no oh do you talk about the egg yeah the thousand year old egg yeah oh my lord no i have not i was in manila and they tried to get me to eat that but it was uh how did you get in that envelope the manila envelope yeah two steps ahead

Anyway, talk about the egg. - So yeah, I'd rather hear about the egg. I want to hear about the egg. Shut the fuck up. - No, they eat the, the duck is already, it's almost ready to hatch, but then it doesn't, and then you eat it. You just, like a shot. - It's like a duck fetus. - Yeah, and then the yolk and the drink is in there, and then if you chew, you can feel the feathers and the bones.

So you won't shake hands, will you? Eat one of those? Yeah. That's fucking crazy. Quick aside, Howie. You try to figure me out. I can't. I'm loving it. I was so nervous for you to come in here, and it's been nothing but a joy. Yeah, you've seemed so nervous. I was. You guys all seem so nervous. Well, I opened the door, and you thought I was security. I was like, hello, Howie Mandel and company. I love that you've got this scenario going on in your head that nobody... That people are mistaking you for fucking security. Well, yeah, I'm huge, and I keep you safe. That's good. Makes sense.

I love that he just thought, I didn't even think. No. No, you want to know what I really thought? Wrong house. Oh. I thought it was one because it had the padlock on the outside like nobody lives here. Then I see you and I went, oh, maybe it's next door. Maybe I got the address off by one. Only giant freaks live in this neighborhood. That makes sense. You were the real estate, maybe. Yeah. A showing.

I thought there was a show. Do you want to see the house? Make an offer? He showed me the house. Oh. He showed me the room you're staying in. I'm living out there. I have established water rights. I came home today and you were all bundled up by the pool reading a book. I was just reading on that couch with the door open. Your own book. Not my own. Yeah, he's reading it again. No. Every page he goes, God damn, you did it again. I am good. I am good.

I am good. I can feel this is exciting. I feel it in my perineum duct. That word, you know how it's like a song? It gets stuck in my head. Perineal duct? I could have said ball gutters. Perineal duct. Perineal. I hear that thing on TV. That's when your dick goes sideways. That's priapism. A prolonged boner is a priapism. You get those from spider bites.

Not from Cialis? You can. Cialis is a spider bite. It's spider venom. That's what Cialis is. That makes sense. Could be. Really? So the fact that you give that out is like people who don't want to pay for Viagra or the little blue pill, if they see a hot woman, you just stick your dick in a web. Yeah, you carry a hobo spider in a little pouch around your neck. You fuck a web. True. I shoot a web.

I got that one already. I heard last night I was on Instagram reels and I saw a guy do some crowd work that made me laugh very hard. What'd he say? He's just like, what do you do for a living? And the guy goes, I'm a web developer. He goes,

Are you a spider? The place goes crazy. It's great. Anyway, I figured you guys would want to hear that. That's pretty funny. Are you a spider? That's what I call crowd work. I'm starting to do crowd work in empty rooms. Nobody's doing that. True. Do you do crowd work? I don't really do. I did. Before anybody ever knew, you look at my...

HBO comedy special. You know, I was on the young comedian special. The sixth annual. You know who was on my special with me? Bob Hope. No. Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, wow. Richard Lewis. Whatever happened to him?

I don't know. Harry Anderson. It was with the Smothers Brothers. But then they gave me an HBO special. My next HBO special, half of it was me talking to the audience in 1983, 1984. Yeah. There's no way he was doing that. But I was doing it because I didn't have a fucking act. That's why they're not writing material. What do you do for a living? How long can you? Well, I became Diana Ross's opening act and

They hated me. I would pull the rubber glove on my head. There's nothing like standing in front of a room of 3,000 people or 5,000 people pulling a rubber glove on your head, popping it off to silence. Oh, my God. Get that damn glove off your head. Oh, my God. Yeah. That would happen almost every night to me. God damn. She liked me, though. Oh.

I tried to do crowd work in Estonia. I asked a woman, what do you do for work? And she went, no. Is that true? That's hysterical. No. Somebody should be posting bad crowd work, like crowd work that doesn't work. I would do. But just my worst night. If it ever happened, I don't record myself and I don't have a recording when I'm writing, but

If it doesn't work, I like that. That's hilarious. That's my favorite moment. Joe List is posting it? Posted bad? You said my worst crowd work ever. Most of the crowd work posted is very embarrassing.

Well, I think people, there's a give for crowd work because the audience assumes that all comedy is written. So as soon as they think it isn't written. Yeah. But you're also at the mercy of them being really funny. If you hit a funny character who gives you an answer that's kind of easy. Right. It's more about who you're talking to than who you are. Right. It's not a real, I don't think it's a real thing.

amazing thing. Well, the dumb ass is online. Eat it up with a big old spoon. More slop. Well, it's funny. It doesn't suck. What? Because you want your, I think it's okay. You don't have to give away your material and,

Yeah. They can come see your material fresh. You're not. Why do you think it sucks? I just think that a lot of crowd work as someone who likes to riff and talk to the crowd. You see a lot of people posting things where it's like, what's your name? Oh, Candace. Candace, where do you work? And his dick fit in your mouth. The chocolate factory. There you go. Yeah, there you go. OK, that is killer. Yeah, true.

But I think it's funnier to see somebody in a comic in trouble. If you're okay with it, I'm okay. Floundering attempts are funny. DeRosa did that with... Joe DeRosa had an album where the first album was him being good and then the second...

Part of the album was the same set bombing. Yeah. Well, you know that I was there to watch every night. I watched Richard Pryor write and create live on Sunset Strip, which is probably one of the most seminal movies ever. There wouldn't be a Chappelle or anybody without that. I think they all looked up to him. Eddie Murphy. He, I watched it bomb.

And I watched him write all that stuff too. They loved him and I watched him bombing every night just to write, just to write. And I think we're losing that art and we're losing the joy and watching. It's like watching a painter paint something and before it becomes something, it's also really cool. Yeah. You know, the making of the making of an act. And if you don't bomb, you're never going to get anything great.

You're never, you can't just go up there with something slick. Right. But I like those moments.

I enjoy them. I enjoy those moments when shit happens and then you can, you know, it's like crushing coal into a diamond. Oh yeah. Beautiful. Wow. I just got pretty heavy, didn't I? Yeah, man, but it's good. I mean, you have years of comedy experience. This stuff is, I'm fucking brilliant. And, and you are so lucky. Generally. We are. We're pumped. We're pumped. We can't.

Yeah, it is not the most conducive environment to being pumped. No, it's nice. We're pumped. I'm pumped. I'm pumped. I'm fucking stoked out of my mind. Call me a Reebok because I'm pumped. I get it. Thank you. Because of the shoe. That's right.

Okay, well that's been he told you about ten minutes ago. I know I did now we're starting to flow a little Now I've liked the flow Right now everything we're doing is cutting into the beginning. Yeah, do you edit? Well, I think we might this time And cut out all references of me not doing his podcast More than a half hour

So then it's a 10. This is this is going to be a five minute podcast. It's going to be a real in case you're doing that. I'll tell you. No, we're not even. No, even six minutes being here. You made it seem like two hours. And that's the beauty of what you three. We're just getting started. I can't even imagine.

time flies it does that was a blast man not this i'm just saying in general india goes faster too as you get older it can go faster than us but this makes me appreciate time flying when you're having fun yeah do we have any fun things like this makes you appreciate when you are having fun yeah yeah and i'll tell you this is more fun than my dog dying i'm sorry i know but

I got good news. I can cheer you up. You can emulsify him. I know. You told me. I have a real question. What was your favorite act on America's Got Talent? My favorite act ever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're a group called The Unbeatable. And they are this group of Indian. They're from India. Nice. And there's all these...

kids 70 it's so fucking crazy they toss children yeah three stories in the air on top of motorcycles and it's so fucking dangerous one of them uh i think the v stands for it's not for victory it's for whatever the the kid who broke his neck and i i don't know that he's still living vikram god that's a kind of yoga isn't it no that's a human name

I don't know what it is, but if you saw it, are you on the, you want to see it? You want to see a piece of it? Yeah. Okay. Let me give it. Can you put V unbeatable, V unbeatable, their act on, on the YouTube and toss kids out the window? You said,

It's the scariest, most amazing act I've ever seen. And they're on, when does this air? Do you know when this airs? Tomorrow, probably. Oh, tomorrow? Yeah. So starting on January 1st, there is something called AGT Fantasy League. And what it was, Mel B came back. It's me, Mel B, Heidi, and... Bring it short to him.

Yeah, throw it here. And we get the top 40 acts, all our favorites. And we get to make a team. I can see that. Can you see it? I'm going to let them do play-by-play for it. Okay. Ooh, that's a lot of Indians up there. Yeah, that's a lot of bros. There's probably 36 or 40 people on stage from 7 years old to 30 years old. Maybe you can fast-forward until they start doing something so you don't need the interviews.

So they're a bit of a brown man group? Oh, shit. Brown man group. Are they working on it? They're flying. Are they wearing your shoes? I don't know what they're doing. Oh, look. They land nice. Can you see how high they're tossing? Vickers was the guy's name. How do you know? They're wearing it on the back of their shoes. Oh, okay. You're reading. Damn. That's ridiculous, dude. Damn, dude. It's like bring it on.

Oh, it's more. They would bring it on, dude. Oh, this is this is the most the scariest. I thought I was going to watch death. So we have the top acts in the world. People who have won all over the world. They come on. We pick teams like a fantasy team. And me and the other judges are going against each other. So you got these guys.

I don't want to give anything away, but they'll be there. Yeah. Okay? They will be there. Seems like an easy first pick. I like that. You would think. This is pretty crazy. But maybe I didn't get first pick. Maybe you did. Right. We have to trust Josh.

Yeah. Can you tell? I don't know if this is one of their best ones, but the dancing could use some work, I'd say. Well, you know, dancing. It's hard. You know, most people watch. Are you really saying you're kidding? Yeah, I got it. It's good. No, I know. I know. Why do you feel bad about being funny? Don't apologize. I didn't want the V man's group, the V's to get the V man group to find these. Yes. Well, I mean, I don't know how he got up there. That guy's like seven, seven years old. These are little kids.

You're not supposed to throw children. I will say, though, this is, I don't want to trash the show at all, but this is like when you see, like, when you go to the circus and you're like, how'd they get them to do that? It's like somebody was hitting these kids with sticks. Yeah. Well, these kids, to be honest with you, if you know about these kids, they live in, some of them don't have families. They don't have food. They live in the streets. They get paid in flips. That's all they have. What? So nobody's hitting them with sticks? That's fucking worse. Nobody's even hitting them with sticks. That's worse.

They're getting hit themselves. They're just looking for a better life for themselves. And this changes their life. It really does. How much did you guys give them? How much money did they get? I don't know. Well, if they win, they get a million. That's not bad. That's a bunch. Well, there's 36 of them. Then they would all be slumdog millionaires.

And I don't mean that racist. I'm just an Indian millionaire. You keep talking like that, you're not going to get on Saturday Night Live. You know that? You'll ruin all your chances. I'm fucked. How would you pay them if they won? Wouldn't you have to pay them each an individual satchel of little tiny jewels? What?

I don't pay him. All out of Simon's... You don't have to pay him. You just go, five stars. That would be racist. But they're now performing all over the world. They're making a living. They got a roof over there. No, I mean, what they did was absolutely incredible. And so you understand. So you see that and you go, that's amazing. It really is amazing. But the hard thing is, and the shitty part of it is...

And now, how are we going to deal? Going up next, Doogie Horner. Even if I'm great, I don't know if I want to go on after that. And that's hard. And the audience just watched. D. Wade's one of the judges?

Was it a guest judge? Yeah, he was. Yeah, because his wife was on there. Okay. Yeah, he was a guest judge. Yeah, that's got to be a tough... What? His wife. That's got to be a tough follow. No. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's got to be a real tough follow. Those kids doing those flips and then you got fucking stand-up. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't matter how good you are, you know? Yeah, that'd be tough. And that's the problem with being a stand-up. But, you know, I always tell stand-ups, they should do the show. And I'll tell you why.

Do the show. Don't give a fuck. And get that exposure. You know, every one of these videos gets $100 million, even if you sink into the toilet. The problem that comics have is they worry about us four sitting at the desk. It doesn't matter...

I'll probably, I'll never say anything bad unless somebody just totally sucks to a comic. But I'll never say anything bad. Don't worry about us. Worry about the millions and tens of millions that are watching on TV and on YouTube. And if you do your thing, it's not about winning. Where are you going to get this kind of exposure with all these cameras on you, with this kind of platform? If you want to get exposure, there's no reason not to do the show. It's either this or like a bus attack.

Right. Yeah. Right. Kind of act of terror. Right. Well, that's a closer. Right. But I'm talking about an entire set. True. So I would say to any comic watching this and anybody do the show. Can I come on there? Yes. You would do well. I'd probably do well. Yeah. You should do it. Okay. There's no reason not to do it. The only thing is the chances of winning for anybody, even them are hard and tough.

the chances of getting exposure and finding an audience is guaranteed. So if you do what you want to do and you deliver what you want to deliver, you are going to be in a better place. 100% guaranteed. Your ticket sales are going to go up. Unless you show... Here's the other problem. The other problem is I always tell the comedians, if I have a chance to talk to them before, but you're going to listen to it now, come out...

with who you are, with who you want to project.

So let your comedy persona be there, even when they're asking you questions. Don't come out there and go, this really means something to me. Don't be sincere. This is my last chance. Are we ready? Hey, how is everybody tonight? You know what I mean? Then all of a sudden you've lost any authenticity for your comedy. You've lost any. Nobody's laughing at you because you're putting on an act. So if you have a point of view and things you want to do, if you're sarcastic or punny. I wouldn't say I'm sarcastic.

It's official language. It is your official language. Sarcasm? No, but I mean, those... You see through this? My t-shirt?

but that's the way you have to answer all the questions when you come out you've got to be like assume that from the moment they say your name and you walk out that's your act yeah that's your act and your act has to be on don't don't show them another side what kind of questions do they ask you like personal questions or like if you have a great story you know you could be set up for a great story you could tell them it's a tv show you could tell them ask me about my wife

You know, do you have a funny story about your wife? You know, you're married to a doctor. I mean, funny, you know, like ask me about my wife. Great tits. Oh, yeah. She can't sleep on her back. I don't know that that would play. Oh, I mean, it would play. That would be just figure out things that they're not going to edit. Right. They have. Oh, yeah. They're going to edit.

But and they'll edit and then you have to go over what you're going to do and they'll edit you before that. But I think that you can wisely. I think if you in your mindset, I'm going to play to the to you and not to who's ever sitting here. Play the mustachioed simpletons. That's what I'm going to do. Because he's pointing at you. I love it.

I love that he breaks the joke. He breaks his. He's going to be funny. You go simpletons and he goes, why would you say that? I know. And you go and they just get it. I love when the just kidding comes right on. He's not on screen talent. Yeah. My wife can't sleep. My wife can't sleep on her stomach. Just kidding. Yeah. Is that true? No. I'm just joshing. That's a funny comic.

Who just says after everything, just kidding. Just kidding. If you ever notice. Just kidding. I'll take it seriously. Just a joke. Just kidding. Yeah. We're screwing around up here. True. True that. Absolutely. Hell yeah. AGT. Is that a stuffed animal? Are you holding a stuffed animal? What is that? It's Papa. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. It's a pillow. I'm just kidding. It's a fucking pillow. Um,

But no, I really appreciate you coming by. This was fun. Well, I'm really, really, and I'm not obligating you. Just kidding.

I am so blown away by what you do. All kidding aside, I'm talking to him. I don't know what you do, but I hear you're a great writer. He's a really good... And you, a dancer. So I watch this. But you guys are all really funny. And I think what you're doing... And I said this to Tony. Tony came by. Yeah. I said this to Tony. I think this whole... Tony Shalhoub? Yeah. From Monk. I love that show. I have OCD. He had OCD. I felt like I was watching me. Yeah.

I said, the movement here and the thing that people are doing for comedy, this is not since... I said this to Tony. I said that, you know, there was a... In mid...

the 70s when I started, there was a move from New York to LA. Everybody came to LA and you had to go to the comedy store, the improv. And that's when the Tonight Show came out. And that was the thing. That was what everybody was striving for. And that's where all the sitcoms and that's where everybody who was anybody was in Hollywood. And I feel like now everybody there. And I feel like

corporate America has kind of hurt comedy, the art form of comedy. I don't think political correctness has even a little space in comedy. It has not, it can't exist. You can't do the art with any political correctness. You should be allowed to be just kidding. And, and, and,

And I think this move that Joe has kind of led out here, out here, and the mothership and everybody. And I think the proof's in the pudding. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. There is no smoke. It's not a real fire. But the proof in the pudding is you guys are playing to numbers like traditional comedy doesn't play.

Yeah. You know, and if you look at the numbers on podcasts and you look at the numbers in arenas and you look at like even a podcast like Kill Tony is playing two sold out arenas on New Year's, you know, and the numbers that you're playing and you're blowing up. And I would imagine all kidding aside, at the moment when your Saturday Night Live thing happened, you thought, oh, fuck. And now, you know, it's probably the best thing that ever happened. Galvanized you.

I don't know that you saw it in the moment. I had an idea. You did? Right away? You weren't... I was never really... I never thought it would be big, like as big as comedy has gotten, I think. But I knew I wasn't going to... I was going to just keep doing stand-up. Right, but there was no reason for... No, I never was like, oh, I'll do arenas. No, no, no, no, no. But what I'm saying is even to get...

I don't know what the word is, but maybe semi-canceled from there. Yeah. You know, if the word is canceled for jokes and comments that were not even made, not for you, especially not in the moment. Yeah. Pulling things from way in the past. That's so...

- Bizarre to me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's so, when I came to comedy-- - I thought it made sense. - Okay. But when I came to comedy in the '70s and watched people like Richard Pryor, the comedy club was the safe place. There is no line. There was absolutely nothing. I said the same thing. I feel like I'm repeating myself on this as I said to Tony's. But thank you for even spending this time with me. You guys are amazing. - You're awesome, man. - And it's so inspiring to see the young kids

kind of taking this is what I loved about comedy, you know,

I feel like it doesn't exist. And I think you guys are breathing fresh air into my favorite thing in the world. And it's not only doing comedy, but it's watching comedy and watching it done right and watching it done raw and watching it done dangerously and just watching it. And you are, it's kind of a dichotomy between you guys are on fire, not your fireplace, but you guys are. Yeah. Thank you very much. My pleasure. Awesome.

I've got big news for you. I have a special coming out. Oh, yeah. December 26th on their YouTube page. Yeah, we're going to put it out. That's important. We should we should. We'll put that in the beginning. So if you ever get a minute, come over and do my podcast with him and we'll promote his. Yeah. Oh, yeah. OK. It's really an honor, Howie. You're very funny. You really are. And you are also an amazing dancer. All right.