Ep 457 - Honey Dipz (feat. Tim Butterly & Naim Ali)
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Damn dude, oh How extreme is this you need to chill so I can't do that Welcome to the motherfucking pod dude. Welcome to yet another week dude of just gallantry pure fucking oh See that you ever seen three men doing extreme sitting you know this extreme sitting right here slow motion goal celebration This is what this is what's up. Yeah true, dude. Did you go fire? Oh, we're gonna do a subtitle this

Damn. Oh shit. Yo, he rode the edge of the drone with the beam. I mean, it is what it is. That's a lip stall. Welcome. His manual meter is going crazy right now. Welcome. Naeem. Welcome, Tim. Welcome to the motherfucking pod. Thank you for having us. It's great to be here. Thanks for coming, man. Thanks for fucking coming. Yeah. Shane's in Ireland. I figured what the hell, dude, it's Friday. Visiting the motherland. Kissing the soil. I told his, uh, told his family to kiss the ground for me and my kiss the soil. Hmm.

Hell yeah. Shane laughed. I was like, kind of like, you know, I wasn't kidding that much. Shane laughed and I went... That was a funny thing of me to say. Dude, what the fuck is up? Not much, man. I had to peel myself away from video games to be here. I've been playing tons of Armored Core lately. No way. For real? Matt, no kidding. What the fuck? When we were in Tampa, I...

Punished Matt with speedrunning videos. Just the history of Castlevania speedruns. Do you know what speedrunning is? No. Oh my god. It's when someone plays a video game as fast as they can. So you know if you beat a video game and you're a normal person, you're like, fuck yeah dude, I beat a video game. Imagine beating a video game like, I could do that faster.

Okay. Me and my friends used to compete in that. Like, remember Zelda, the Ocarina of Time? When that game came out, me and my friends was like, yo, who's going to beat this bitch first, bro? Cool. Now imagine that. And I lied and said I beat it first. I didn't. I got to the final boss first. He spliced it. But then I lost. I spliced it, bro. I did. I really spliced it. So how'd you...

Was it over then? Have you been carrying this lie the whole time? Nobody knows this until just now. I've never admitted it ever. I'm sorry, Swizzy. Sorry, Michael Barnum. Sorry, Jared Mills. You know what I'm saying? I'm bad, Joe. I lied about that. I lied. I'm sorry. Wait till the Speedrun demo's archive forums hear about this. I didn't know you could lie about Zelda. I thought it was physically impossible. I

That's like a deep lie. Zelda's an enchanted fairy forest. And bro, I made it to the end of the game before all of them did. I just didn't beat the final boss. So then when Swizzy beat the final boss, I really was jealous, but I was like...

I did that already. Catch the fuck up, bro. I think I did that already. Did you ask him, like, how did you end up doing it? Like, what was your method? I did ask him, and then I went back and actually did it. Because I didn't even know how to do it. Oh, yeah. You got to distract him. I didn't know how to beat him, but what did you do specifically? Yeah, that's pretty much how I did it last week. Yeah. Yeah.

I told him I lied and said that there were two different ways to beat him. There's not. There's not. There's only one way to beat this boss and then to Zelda, bro. Oh, you told him you did the other way. You're like, yeah, that's one way. I'm like, nah, nah. I'm like, yeah, you did that. But like, yeah, I distracted him on this side and then we just kept hitting him from behind. And he was like, oh, damn, I didn't even think about that. That doesn't even work. He got armor on his back. You can't do damage on his back. Well, Naeem, that doesn't even seem possible the way I did it. Maybe you

Yeah, video game lying is

a very specific form of lying. It is. So, so nice. It's one of the first temptations for most dorks. True. The video game lie? I know that I felt it. Yeah. I was curious if you've ever been tempted to video game lie. Oh, for sure. I still, I mean, I'd still deal with it, you know, until I get both feet out of video gaming and I'm still kind of like in the trenches all the time. There's just temptations to be like, oh yeah, I killed the boss on the first try. Yeah.

Technically, you almost did, though. I almost did. You almost did. I almost did take down the armor core six first boss. Be honest. Did your thing really crash or is that a video game lie? Video. You know what? Did your thing really crash? I love to present myself as a virtuous and honest man. And there is video proof of this happening. Okay.

Nice. There's a video proof of the black screen occurring. The audio continues. I mean, I have nothing to defend myself against here, man. Did you have to go? Did you have to go? You guys saw that, right? You guys saw that. Oh, absolutely. And then I had people saying it because I ran it back on them and I fucked around with them. I destroyed this dude on one.

my first and a half attempt i'm not calling the second attempt that's fair and i have people saying that like that doesn't count one asterisk you beat him on the first asterisk yeah true it's an asterisk it's an asterisk doesn't mean it's not the first attempt it was you got taken off i guess but yeah but here's the thing is like i have to live with this is your permanent record i know like throughout the entire dark soul series how you do against like the first boss like everyone wants to claim you're so honest first time that's all i have dude

I have nothing else. You're so honest. And this is, so I can't, I can't, I can't, obviously I could delete the save and go back, but as a person, I can't go back. True. And have, yeah, you know what? Yeah. You know what? I do, but it's like, that was, that was it. There's it's, it was for everyone to see. It's my heart's open. And it's like, I, you know, I guess I can't really say I'm a first. I'm just thinking about how all of our ancestors are going to see,

Everything we've ever done. And they're going to have to be like, yeah, my granddad beat. Our ancestors or our progeny? Predecessors. I always call them ancestors. Yeah. These are my cave drawings. Our baby's babies. They're going to be like, yo, he beat it in one try. My video games are my cave drawings. And they're going to go, ah, look at this, dude. Screen crash. This game fucking crashed. Computer crashed. I didn't know why people had ancestors. I thought it was like a black word. Yeah.

True. You only hear black people say ancestors. We don't talk about them. That's a black word. Yeah, ancestors is. And Chinese. And Chinese. They were the number one ancestor. True. And natives. Native Americans also. True. They talk about ancestors. You rarely hear white people talk about ancestors. That's because you guys made us feel so ashamed about them, dude. We can't talk about them.

Yeah. It's not exactly a safe space to summon them. To summon them. Please don't summon them. Please. Please don't. You know how mad our ancestors would be? Right. What the fuck? Dude. Yeah. If I had to be like, I need help in my relationship. Like, your wife is what? Like, stop. Stop it. Yeah, bro. Yeah.

I could go back one, not even a generation, one parent. I'm so lucky my dad is dead, bro. He fucking hated white people. Did he really? What? Yeah.

Bro, he killed the white man. He killed the white 12-year-old boy when he was like, no, he was 12 and the kid was 14. He killed a 14-year-old? He shot him. Okay. With a .22 long rifle. Damn. People don't know .22s can kill you. Oh, hell yeah. It was in like 19, my dad was born in 1936, so it was like 1947. Wait, what the fuck? Your dad was born in 1936? Yeah, he died when he was 86. Are you missing an ancestor? Yeah.

He was born in 1936. He was bit by a vampire in 1961. So technically, technically he'd been alive for 40 years, but he was permanently 12. Your dad would have been 90 something right now? Yeah, wait.

Almost. Almost, yeah. He died at 86. He just died. So you're not lucky he's dead. It's just like, it's insane that he lived that long. It is insane that he lived that long. And he didn't quit smoking until he was 77. So wait, he killed a white guy in 1947? In Thompson, Georgia. And then my grandmom sent him to New York. What was his penalty?

Nothing, because my grandma put him on the train in 17th year. They was going to lynch him. They was going to kill him. I was about to say, yeah, I'm surprised. I was like, I must have given him community service or something. Yeah, you know how he did it? You know how he did it? Goddamn George Soros was DA, dude. Yo, community service. Soft on crime, 1940s South, dude. He was going to hang his head. They burnt my grandma's house down. Oh, no. Just looking for my dad. Yeah.

That's one way to do it. Where is he? Where is he? Not in here. Oh, he's not here? Well, now we have nowhere to come back to. Well, then you burn the house down. It's kind of like Skinner's box. And it's like, well, is he here? Is he not? You don't know. Now you don't know. He could have been in there. He could have not been. You don't know where he is. True. But he was on his way to New York when he did that. I do like that period of time. You do something terrible and just go to another state. You don't change your name. You good, bro. He's gone. He's gone forever. Hell yeah. My dad's actual name is John.

But when he moved to New York, his name was Joe. That's how easy it was back then. Criminal genius, dude. I'm going to drop the H-N. Damn. So what was the fight about? He used to work at a supermarket and he said these white kids pushed. So back in the day, you would take a footlocker with you to the supermarket and you put all your groceries in there. Entire store?

- Yeah, well I guess you would pull up your car, tour yourself, I don't fucking know. - Check a tiny guy in a referee outfit. - In a referee outfit? - Take a whole Foot Locker, take sneakers to the supermarket. - You're looking to milk a tiny referee guy, he's like, "Let me know if I can help you with anything." It's like the Indian in the cupboard. - What size milk do you need? - Wait, so what is a Foot Locker? - It's like a chess.

It's like a chest with like a lock on it. So he would bring a chest to the grocery store? People would bring like a chest. Like a treasure chest? I mean, not that heavy. Like an Ocarina of Time treasure chest? Yeah, similar. Very similar. And these kids, and my dad was working there, and he would help people put their groceries inside of the footlocker, and they'd close it, put it in the back of their horse and buggy, or whatever the fuck they had back then, and then they'd pull the fuck off. Wind up car. Just cranking that shit in the front. Yeah.

Yeah. So then what these white kids, how loud do you think he was blasting like jazz out of that? Oh, he was dumping that shit, bro. Yo, and all honesty, up until my dad, that's what he listened to. Like, even recently.

Really? And then so he was filling the footlocker. Oh, and then they pushed him inside of one. In the footlocker? Yeah, and then they locked it. They closed and locked it. But this footlocker, I guess, didn't belong to anybody. So he just left it there. And then they didn't find him until the next day. So he got out. Wait, they Ultimate Warrior'd your dad? Yes, they locked him in some shit. And he was stuck there for like a day, bro. What? Hell yeah, dawg.

And then he freaked out. Yeah, I bet. He knew these kids played, so he went up, he said he like went up in the tree with his .22 long-nose rifle, or his dad's .22 long-nose rifle. He saw him playing, and he said he let off one shot and hit the kid in the neck. Kid died. Headshot. Damn. So they, I mean, essentially, that's like buried, that's like the fear of buried alive. Yeah, hell yeah. So he was buried alive, basically, for a day. Yes, for like a day. Did you say how he got out? One of the people that worked at the store opened it like, oh shit, the fuck is this? When they opened it, was he like...

It was like there was a running track in there and there were tons of sneakers in those. A bunch of helpful gentlemen. Dressed like officiators. Dressed like officiators. Yeah, bro. Damn, that's fucking wild. So who let him out? But he went way too far, bro. You don't kill... Deal with it. You got locked into things. Dude, if someone locked you in a footlocker for a day, I would say... Deal with it. You can't kill somebody for that. That's nuts, bro. Dude, but you've never been in a footlocker. Put yourself in the mind of a 12-year-old spazzing. True. Yeah, that's true. All right.

12 year old spaz definitely in 1932 because back then it was just like and you get away with my daddy's gun now you fight six cops for way less all right come on god damn it jesus christ dude let me let me pretend to be a good guy jesus christ i did wait for what

I beat up six cops before. At the same time? Yes. Well, they didn't... Oh, yeah. You were a boxer. Cops are stupid. They don't jump when you're at... Yeah. You were a boxer. They just wait like video game guys? Yeah. They go like this around. They twinkle their fingers like this and shuffle around you and shit. And they wait for you to hit them first.

Yeah, true. They come in one at a time. One at a time. Do a little bit of kung fu. Yep, take one out. Did you do any of those like you get low and sweep your leg backwards on them? And just take five of them down at once? Hit them with all the Ninja Turtle moves, bro. I'm still fascinated by...

That whole situation. Who let him out of the locker? I think what he said was his manager that worked at the supermarket. Yeah. And he said the manager was a white guy. He said the guy let him out and he was like, all right, time to get to work. And he was like, fuck this job and ran home. Oh, my God. Did he have to piss in the locker or anything? He pissed and shit all on himself. Yeah, I mean, you're building a case. Yeah. What the fuck?

Dude, so imagine, but imagine how, I mean, you have to examine like first, second, third degree murder. If you were locked in a tiny box and shit on yourself. Yeah. And then finally, thank God, some guy let you out and was like, back to your shitty job. It's like, it might be gun time. Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, it's obviously, it's not, you shouldn't shoot kids. Especially if that's the first thing you hear is your boss like, all right, I'm going to get back to work. Oh, yeah. Might freak out. Yeah. That might be time to snap. Yeah.

It's understandable. You can't shoot people, bro. You can't. You probably get away and fought the kid or something. You shouldn't. But also, what was it, 1940? Yeah, you get away with things in the 1940s. Yeah, there was, you know. He said one of his neighbors killed another neighbor because he stole some of his tools. And the guy never got locked up.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a 1940s crime, but not even as a 1940s, just disagreement, bro. It happens like every day. Now, if you do construction, somebody steals your tools and you're like, I'll go to Home Depot. You don't kill him. Yeah. But back then it was like you had your little tin pail and it was like your great grandfather's one. Someone stole it. Your whole business class. I had a way of accessing bolts and loosening them. Now I'm out of business. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

that would suck for one thing just to tank your business yeah dude damn bro i could loosen that yeah i was what you see that um painkiller shit on netflix no what is that you didn't see that oh it's about oxycontin is it like a dramatized version of them it is nice but the fact of the matter is a bunch of people died from that shit and these motherfuckers billionaires still yeah you can't take that business they got away i left it

you lived it yeah man i watched my mom go from doctor to doctor getting new octagon scripts yeah dude i went through it that stuff makes me angry yeah yeah i don't really like it very much yeah you're gonna take it personal it was nuts i remember i remember it was almost when when the painkiller stuff was like a it approached like a tsunami people were just like yo they're they're putting out you know they're talking about before i ever even heard of anyone getting a prescription they were already talking about how you just chomp it and

and break the extended release. Yeah. Yeah. What? Yeah. I knew about people abusing Oxycontin before like it even hit the streets. Yeah. That's crazy. You think, well, you know, I don't know any like street walkers who are just fucking panhandling and abusing drugs. And then it was like one doctor gives you the prescription. There's no like,

support in place it's like the mid 90s and I just dude I watched it tank this lady damn you was at ground zero with that shit oh absolutely yeah I watched doctors be like nah and then it was like well I'll just get a new doctor and you go to a new doctor and they're just like yo you're in pain here you go man what the fuck they like you know

They hit us with a fibromyalgia, which is like, I don't know how real that is. Well, it shows up. It doesn't show up, I don't think, on really anything. Yeah, that's the thing. And then it's like you argue because it's like, oh, I'm ill. And it's like, no one believes me. And then it's also like I read years later that like it's basically a syndrome that comes up after you've like really gone deep on painkillers. And then when you're off them, everything just hurts.

I thought it was one like girls are in a bad mood for too long to get fibromyalgia. Oh, this bitch got fibromyalgia. Must be that time of the month. If you ask me, that's what it is. She got fibromyalgia. If you ask me, that's what it is, dude. Yeah, it's when moms get addicted to smoking cigarettes in their room. That's what fibromyalgia is, dude.

Dale. And then Comcast introduced Turner Classic Movies and it was just over for her. Oh, shit. Yeah, I think if it becomes not fair enough, you get fibromyalgia. Yeah, you get early onset, must be nice. Fibromyalgia. That's like HIV and AIDS.

what the fuck just in the room smoking yeah she used to like throw herself on the ground in like the driveway of emergency rooms like she would throw herself in front of ambulances so that they would put her on her bed and take her in god damn yeah he's gonna hit you with the morph you get shot up and all kinds of shit you get something while you're waiting for it yeah man why do you like being sleepy so much I don't get it

What the fuck is the point of being sleepy all I hate being sleepy. I hate just getting sleepy naturally. I believe why my body doing this to me. I do. It's a woman thing. Women love sleeping. They do. You're right. They love the net. I think sleeping is painful. Same. I hate it. It's a waste of time. I, you know, my sleep routine is right now. My sleep routine is, uh, I stay awake for as long as I physically can. And then I fall asleep going like, Oh,

Like, that's it. Like, when I fall asleep, I'm dead. Yeah, you're dying. And then I wake up and I go, fuck, that sucked. I don't feel well. And I go up and I just, like, I slam things around to make coffee in the kitchen. Yeah. I'm three and a half hours asleep. I go, never again, man. Yeah.

I told you this was bullshit, dude. I just sit here for three and a half hours. I look over at my wife and she's sleeping with just the most peaceful expression on her face. I'm just like, what the fuck are you doing? What's your problem? How would you enjoy Dreamland? I'm out here in the real world where stuff's actually happening.

I can't remember anything every day. Like, say you're my wife. I get up every morning. I look over and she just couldn't look at more at rest. And I go, and I get out of bed. You should choke her a little bit and run out of the room. Oh, hell yeah. Real quick one. Yeah. You dream about what? I try to stay in the same position all through the night. Really? Yeah. I try to stay on my back like this.

Whole night, bro. Most nights I do it. Like when I was in college, my roommates would be like, bro, you sleep like you in a casket. I'm like, I'm practicing, bro. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. The back's the best way for your back and stuff. You feel great. Your body feels great. If you could just stay like this, though, you'd feel great in the morning. My dad used to make me practice not shitting on myself in a footlocker. So I like to stay completely still.

I sleep on my side like a dead horse, dude. I just fucking lay head of the pillow. I'm done with side sleeping. Side sleeping. Yeah, I can't do that. My shoulders. All my bones are fucked up for weeks after I do that. Really? Yeah. I'm fine. Left side. That's gay. Right side. Always. Oh, are you cool? Then that's cool. Dick to wife. That's cool.

You know, in Islam, you sleep on your right side so your not gay earring isn't on the pillow. I used to sleep on my stomach. That's super gay. That's the gayest thing ever. You know why I did that? You a freak, bro. You know why I did that? Dude, because they said, when I was in like seventh grade, someone told all the girls that if they laid on their stomachs, gravity would pull their boobs down to make them bigger. So I slept on my stomach thinking it was going to stretch my dog. Go stretch your dick out.

And then I got comfortable like that. You wake up and you're like, oh, it kills you. I think sleeping on my stomach put a slight curve in my penis. You think? Oh, you're a pressure plate hard into the mattress and it's got nowhere to go. It's like a plant growing towards the sun. Yeah, it's got to curve out. Yeah. Yo, fuck your body. You don't do that. I'm like a tree growing around a fence now. Dude, stomach sleepers are the perfect. It's like the pervious shit. Yes.

Yo, you don't have... Real deviance. In the Quran, it says it. Like, Muslims... If you're Muslim, you can't sleep on your left side or on your stomach. Really? Because gins go in your ass. Gins are like little demons. No, if you sleep on your back, gins is going in your ass because it's falling from your penis to your ass. No. No.

No. They must have translated the fucking wingdings wrong, dude. The wingdings? The wingdings. Yo. That shit do like wingdings.

damn Arabic hard as fuck to read yeah I can only imagine and they write this way they write from right to left which is the dumbest shit ever that is very stupid everything in the world goes left to right yes and if you right handed you gonna smudge it cause I'm left handed and I smudge cause I write this way so if you right handed you writing this way you gonna smudge your paper which one is the hand that they wipe their butt with left all the dirty shit is left hand all the clean shit is right hand

It's kind of tight, yeah. Do you have like the little bowl of water above the toilet? Mm-hmm.

I've seen that before. They do get a lot of credit for figuring a lot of shit out first, like math and stuff like that. But thank God. Coffee too. Coffee from the Muslim world. The Muzzies had a great first draft on a lot of things. They figured some shit out, bro. Thank God we stole it all. Bro, they wiped their dicks off. I still wipe my dick off. I was raised that way. After what? I piss and wipe my dick off. I piss, do a slight crouch, and wipe my dick off. So don't no piss dribble in my throat. You don't just slam it as hard as you can from belly button? No.

That's not good enough for you guys. You go sling piss everywhere. Or you just put it right back in your pants. Gargoyle.

Or you just put it right back in your pants and go, nobody knows I have a little bit of pee in my pants right now. I'm going to leave. Yeah, that's true. But then what about when it's time to mix a lot and it's time to pray? Now you got piss in your drawers. You praying to God? Why you all dirty? God understands. No, he doesn't. Yeah, he does. You know women can't even pray on their period, bro? And you trying to go in there with piss in your drawers? That's because God doesn't want to hear it, dude. God's so mad about your prayers about that one coworker you don't like.

That's enough. No more. You know what? I don't want to hear your prayers all week. As soon as it stops, I don't want to hear none of your prayers. God's like, I just got in the door. Could you give me a minute? Yeah.

Yo, why can't we do that? Like, look, bitch, don't talk to me for the rest of this week. When your period go off, then we can talk. They had the fucking period tent. Yeah, they used to have a period tent. The Muslims had that figured out too. And I think the Jews did it too. They'd put you out in the period tent. Jews did do it too. Seven days. You know how hard it is? We know.

They're difficult to deal with during that time. Imagine no AC. Come on. I mean, they're not thrilled about it either, though, you know? No snacks. They're not, obviously. But, dude, I, you know, my ankle hurts. I don't go ruin the fucking vibe. Right. They are not thrilled for sure.

They're not thrilled about it. Plus, think about, and I hate to play devil's advocate, but I love arguing with you guys. Think about how crabby dudes get when they just get like frustrated and they don't know how to communicate. True. Like you just get silently motherfucker-y, you know? That's true. And they're kind of just like, okay, he's mean. That's true. All right, I guess he's mean tonight, you know? Yeah, but they love that, dude. What?

Women love when a dude's on edge in the house. It's part of the dance. Women love it. It's part of the dance. Because they want to try to pull you out of it. Yeah. Dude, if I were to go home... They like emotional dances. Dude, my wife would love nothing more than for me to come home and slam something down and say, what's the matter? And me be like, nothing. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Well, okay then. She would love that. Hell yeah. I get it. Oh my God.

I get it. What's bothering you? But then on the other side of that coin is that you have to be like, oh, and then what did you say to her? You know what I mean? Damn, that sucks. That's the other side of that coin. Why don't you say just then ignore her? And then she goes, but that's not even what it's about. Then you go, okay. This is the dance, dude. It is the dance. And they will tell you like, just who cares if I'm upset, just leave me alone. You're like,

Okay, so you want me to not give a fuck? So that's the last thing I should do? Yeah, true. You can't do that first. Don't fucking take answers from them. You can't hit them real quick, like, not my problem. Yeah. One time my girl told me, she said, I hate that you always try to solve my problems. Exactly.

You're telling me problems, what am I supposed to do? What do you do if somebody's telling you problems? You're not supposed to try to solve them? You're supposed to just sit there and be like, I don't know what you're going to do about that. What do you say? It's crazy. That's abuse, brother. You shouldn't have to take that. I shouldn't. You're right. You're right. Imagine a dude. Imagine having a secondary dude brain following you around being like, yo, you know what you could do? I'd be like, I'm all ears. What could I do? Okay, for sure. Appreciate that. I wish I had that. Damn. Damn.

That's why I like rolling around with my boys, bruh. Because if I'm with Tim and we're doing some shit and I think some shit is dumb, I'm like, yo, should I even do this right now, bruh? You see what I'm saying? The bad thing about this guy is he'll be like, yeah, dude, why not? What do you mean? Tim, should I do this ass shit right now? Dude, of course. Why not? No one likes any of my shit, dude. No one likes any of my answers. You're too supportive. I hear the same thing from my wife.

She asked me to start raising my voice. Yeah. What? Yeah, because I think it's because I'm too autistic. If anything gets like too contentious, I'm just like, this is getting complicated. I'm going to just be quiet. I'm going to be quiet and think about video games. Yeah. And she's like, you never even raise your voice when we argue. So I have tried it. And like I said, dude, don't listen to their answers for anything because I've tried it. She's like, what's your problem? Even where you're like. Yeah.

You know that

I'm trying to get cool out and you started attacking me! No, I don't do that. That's so funny. Damn, bro. Nerd rage. Nerd rage. A woman could not possibly do that. Oh my God. That'd be grounds for dismissal. Oh yeah, she would leave immediately. You can't do that. It would be a nuclear test. Just their flesh flying off the back of their body.

There'd be a shadow behind her on the wall permanently. I'm trying to clutch this right now! It could escalate physically and all you do is just scratch your arm real hard. Indian burning. Just give her an inefficient push and you're like, what the fuck was that? You're spitting little bits of Baja Blast in her face.

Yeah. He's like, the fuck?

So, I mean, you're with medical grade bad breath. You're bouncing in the gaming chair the whole time. I hate the lady with nerd rages. That's hilarious. They've never seen it. They've never seen it, yo. I think only siblings see it. That's it. Only brothers see that shit. You keep spamming crying at me. It's not fair.

Trying to break

That's the bonus, the highest level of nerve reach. It grabs the shit that you should be able to break, but you can't break it. You grab a pencil, you're like, no. Highest level of nerve reach, bro. Yeah, and then cry. Top it off. Oh, God. This is a video

It is nice as hell, though. If you've got a nice pair of headphones that you're wearing that you can pick up and just slam, spike into the ground, dude. Bounce them off a desk. That's nice. Punch the fuck out of the wall. Well, dude, I've slowly figured out that I don't have to get completely physically floored whenever my wife's upset.

like today i think i like i theoretically understood it and today i took her keys out i forgot her keys in my pocket so i like walked the dogs she was trying to go somewhere i was on the phone with my brother and i get a text like where are you i'm like what the fuck do you want she's like i called you five times my stomach is like yeah that'll fuck you bro i have your keys right now oh shit i'll be here soon i was like wait a second who cares i don't give a fuck they make and then there was no problem i was it's so weird how much of that problem i was because i'll come home like why are you so fucking

she didn't even really care that much bro she was being a bitch but no she didn't she was like whatever it's all good but yeah that spun me out i was like oh man i was part of so much of that by being like oh god oh shit you're working yourself up because you know what you think it's a confrontation coming and then you walk in like oh this is a confrontation let me say something first it's subconscious like childhood stuff

it's like spaz mom it's remnants of spaz mom oh so that's why i'm like that yes because you had a spaz mom yeah if you have a spaz mom it's like as soon as your wife gets upset you're like i think she's going to spaz so i'm like preparing myself you're ready for a humongous lady could you imagine if she doesn't listen to the cast does she brittany yeah i told this all yeah she's no but i'm just like because i can't imagine a worse weapon in a woman's arsenal than you know i'm not your mother right

Oh, yeah. That wouldn't work on me because, dude, I mean, I can spin that real hard. Doesn't matter. Damage is done, dude. You're doing it with like a seriously like a Terminator hole in your head and sparks flying out. She's dinged you at that point. Yeah, true. I mean, I could I could just be I could easily just be like my mom rules.

Love my mommy. I could, I could, I love my mommy. This doesn't feel strong to me. No. Yeah. True. I shouldn't give her any ammunition, but no, it was nice, dude. We actually like navigated a situation that would have ended in like just a negative start to the day. Yeah. And it's so funny. You're adults, but you do have that part of yourself that is like completely spun out of her simple stuff. She's like, well, I found the spare backup key. So it's not a problem. I'm like, I'm glad you found that key. I'm going to continue on my day. I'm totally fine as well. Yeah.

Your text didn't spin me out either. Just both on edge. Dude, it's amazing how much of that stuff just like you don't even realize it filters through. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. No, no. You're right about that. And my girl yells. You know, my girlfriend likes to... She yells over minor things sometimes. And if I'm like...

loud in any place, anywhere, anytime. She shushes me, bro. And I hate that shit, bro. Why you so loud? I'm like, yo, don't do that shit, bro. Don't shush me. I hate that shit.

Why you gotta talk so loud all the time? Because I do. Fuck it. Oh, dude, I get the same thing. I hate that shit. Shh. You can't whisper. I shouldn't be able to. Yo, she listened to me like two days ago. You know you're not whispering, right? I'm not trying to. Bitch, shut up. The fuck? I hate that shit. Dude, you're getting shushed. I hate it, bro. You're getting shushed. It spins me. Yeah, I can't stand it. Because then you start being really loud. You're like, I'll be fine if I'm talking at a normal volume. Yeah, it feels like normal volume. But I did realize my family, we all talk loud.

It made me realize one time I was out with my ancestors. Yo, it is, bro. It's ancestors, bro. It's ancestors, bro. Sorry, man. I just wanted to reel the kite in real quick. Yeah, bro. Super duper loud.

But I only realized it when I hear my siblings talking. I'm like, why the fuck are you yelling like that? And I'm like, oh, this is me. That's the same thing I do. Yeah, that's another thing women can do. They'll get in and do the printout of your whole family and be like, you know what's fucked up about your family? You're like, what are you talking about? Oh, my God. All of us are really normal and fine. That can derail you for like five years. Yeah. When they tell you how your family's fucked up. Because then you're like, wait, maybe she's right. You see what I'm saying? Like, maybe...

She is right. And then you start trying to like recreate yourself, but you can't. You're like, damn, I grew up around these people. Yeah, but then you can turn it around and be like, fuck your family. Your family's fucked up too. That's my go-to. My brother Tom was telling me about this recently. I have a huge family, especially on my dad's side. Just like literally, I think it's like 70 people, including all the cousins and uncles. But everyone gets along for the most part. My brother thinks...

It's actually his is a spinoff of I have a cousin who was the first one to discover our whole family was autistic. We had one cousin moved away and was like, holy shit, my whole family, extended families, like very, very, you know, it's popular to say now, but I think everyone's just touched a little bit. My brother was like, the reason everyone gets along so well is there's not like a...

I mean, there is an emotional connection, but it's not like expressed whatsoever. Not really felt either. But it's just nothing but data dumps. It's just our family gatherings are just dudes waiting to talk. And then you see someone and you go like, have you been to Dorney Park? I've actually been there before. Everyone just data dumps on each other. Okay, bye. It's the sickest thing in the world. It kind of rules. And just dropping random facts on each other. I've never heard one of my cousins say anything like, why are you doing this? Why are you being weird? It's just data dumps.

And then being like, yo, you're kind of a pussy and everyone laughs and that's it. That should be every conversation. It's fucking sick. That's the best. It's so tight. So blessed. It has anything to do with like the size of your family? Just because there's so many of you guys. You know? That could be it too. There's no room for anything to be intimate. There's just so many people. Everyone's just trying to claim a cell in the spreadsheet. So they gotta hurry up and have some information.

It does become like with all like the people that are still alive my family just like so what else is going on with you guys? You know what I mean? No one's really eager to share any of our news. You know, you guys meet up. It's like things are going pretty good I've got a lot to say and I know that someone's about to start talking over me Someone an inch and a half taller than me with the same exact face is about to Yeah

I'm like, what the fuck is this? That is true. It could be that. It's like the thing when you're in a big family, you eat really fast because you want to get the last little thing. But yeah, you can just be like, I was the big bad wolf. It was pretty cool. Here's my top three roller coasters of the summer. This is my favorite beach. What beach do you like? I gotta go. It's so fucking hot in here. Where are we at time-wise?

We're at 35? We're just getting started. What a dense fucking 35. We're just getting started, dude. Good fucking God, we are, dude. You can turn the AC back on. It doesn't matter. Yeah, can we crank that? It doesn't matter. Also, we're up higher, so the heat's up here. Yeah, we're way up there. I got some fucking bourbon in this cup. I've been the eagle nest, dude. I just had to turn my son into the fucking police, bruh.

my fucking lesbian daughter just proposed to her girl she only 19 what oh no i'm all over the place today bro oh man you're my lesbian daughter about to get married she just proposed i'm gonna have another it's about to be another lady out here with my last name that's crazy bro that's kind of tight though that is tight i was hype that's kind of tight i was hyped i'm about to have a daughter-in-law i was hype about that yeah it's kind of do you think they're moving too fast they are because they've been they already live together

My daughter's still in college. That's the stereotype for lesbians is that they move in together really quickly. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, I mean, there's no nobody stopping. It's a runaway train. I'm not going to stop. I love you so much, too. Imagine every problem in life only having two girl brains solving it. What a nightmare. Oh, what? Oh, dude. Yeah, that's crazy. Stuff, stuff.

I ran into a couple of those of their problems where they're like mapping out their day and she's telling me and I'm like your whole day is backwards really oh yeah see so we're gonna go to Penn's land and then we're gonna go to King of Prussia then we

Then we go to South Street. Then we're going to go to fucking Montgomeryville Mall. Then we go. I was like, wait, wait. So nobody's like, can we just please just fucking chill? Yeah, just chill the fuck out. What are y'all doing? Why are you doing all these different things? And then why are you going there and then back down this way and then back up that way? It makes no sense at all. They love activities, dude. Your navigation's way off. Yeah, dudes are just like a fucking rock. You have to bring places. Come on, man. No efficiency whatsoever. You know the compliment I get from a lot of ladies, bro? Like, yo, you know what?

You always down just to go anywhere. A lot of guys don't want to go everywhere. And I'm like, I'm just going to be on my phone the whole time you there. So it don't matter. You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck.

You can avoid arguments by just saying, yeah. Oh, you want to go to the mall? Okay, let's go to the mall. I'm going to get my phone. It don't matter. Yeah, but dude, standing there while women try on clothes. Oh, it sucks. That's the worst. It sucks, dude. It's torture. It sucks. In that moment, you're a eunuch. Yes. You're an absolute fucking eunuch. Because you can try to cool dude it and just be like, oh yeah, babe, that looks great on you. Yeah. Eunuch. No, yeah. Your dick's gone, bro. It sucks, dude. I hate it. Oh, are you holding her bag too?

Now you're trans. You're going to bed. You're trans, bro. I think it's over. You got her purse in your hand. You're trans. You're done. True. That's a fair point. Damn, bro. And that's the deepest level of lower back pain. Standing in the corridor of a dressing room. I look fat in this. And you're just like. They come out. If you're five feet away, they go, where are you? Where are you? I'm over here contemplating running out of the store as fast as I can.

And they stand there and go, but again, the flip side. You're looking pretty mean in that right now. That's the most annoying. Where are you? When they say, oh, you see me. What do you mean? Where am I?

Matt. Mary Jo's cool. She'll drop me off at GameStop and go shopping by herself. That's nice. Oh, that's the shit. Yeah. That's nice. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I do got to give it up to MJ. She's the best. I do have a dude. So let me go look at model robots. Well, she's just tortures herself trying to find anything she likes. And I go, oh, thanks, babe. That's really good. She goes back. I'm talking to a cashier at a store. I'm not buying anything. I go, hey, baby, how's it going?

I have a decent eye for women's fashion I've learned because I've been trying to embrace it when I go there and it's actually really easy to pick out clothes for them and just be like put that on and this on oh my god I would never thought of this I say well holy shit I never thought of this either dude I'm telling you it's actually pretty fun are you going up levels now and then you can access I've had to just I just started embracing I'm like I'm not gonna be a curmudgeon dude I start accessorizing I'm going this is great but like

You need a little necklace, dude. You need a little something else. So you got four stylus. Yeah. I'm going to try that. It's pretty fun. That would make it a little bit more fun. You have to because otherwise I've been trying to not get into things. If I'm going to do a thing, I'm going to get into it rather than like when I was a teenager at the mall with like a high school girlfriend, I would just be sitting there like...

Same. Or I would complain like, yo, why does it take you so long to just pick something? When I go to the mall, I know exactly what I'm getting. Why does it take you so long to just get what the fuck you want? What's happening right now? Yeah, I've been trying to get into it. Yeah, actually, it's pretty funny. I was like, I had a good time the one time. Last time we went, I was just like, this is so fun. Damn.

I use that time to go through all my group messages that I never talked to anybody in and respond to all this shit. Like, that's what I use the time at the mall for. I go through every comedian group message I'm in. Yeah. Every group message I got with my homies and I'm just responding. They say, yo, we said this two weeks ago. I know, bro, but I got free time now. You know what I'm saying? Let me answer these questions. Let me respond. That's fair. Mm-hmm.

Dude, what do you... You know it's a black comedian group message? Y'all ain't know that. Really? Lemire, I just gave up secret. Look at Lemire. Lemire, look at Lemire about to kill me. Look at him. Yo, see how he's hiding his anger? What are you doing right now? For the record, I did know that. I'm sorry, Lemire. I shouldn't have said that. It's okay, dude. I went too far. It's like an open secret, I guess. Yeah. There's a Philadelphia black comedian's group message. How many people were you talking? What do you think, Lemire? Maybe...

with 20 20 because i know there's been beef right like a little bit of beef exactly yeah probably like 20 maybe 20 30 ray in this group chat no he don't with us then it's not the black girl it's not the official it's not a fish you don't with us like that bro it's not certified sorry true yeah you do got to get two right now for it to be official no that's pretty tight what do you guys talk about uh we basically we on and we basically just on people nice for the most part

Maybe lady comics get it the worst in this group message. Really? Yeah, lady comics get it pretty bad. Weird. I feel like we kind of took all the flack for that a while ago. You guys are still partying there? Weird, dude. And then whatever black comics that weren't invited to this group message get it pretty bad, too.

Okay. So to all y'all out there, if you're seeing this black Philly comedian, you're not in it. We talking shit about you, bro. Damn. That sucks. It's fucked up. I'll start a group message with you guys, Jason. Yeah, yo. Y'all should make a white comedian's group message. That's a hate crime.

400 people? That'd be a fucking hate crime, yo. They had that fucking Philly Comedy Network Facebook thing. Oh yeah, LaMere runs that shit now. You run that, LaMere? How'd you grab control of that thing? During the pandemic, I was bored, so I was like, I want to run for admin. I tried to do a presidential campaign to be admin. Who was the admin of it? It was Nicole Yates and Alyssa Truskowski. They were being lame.

So I was like, vote for me as admin of the Philadelphia Comedy Network. You fucking ousted them? What were they doing? What were they doing that was bugging you? They just weren't posting anything. They're not in the city. Well, it was irresponsible back then to go out and do comedy. You were killing people. Yeah. And they would delete certain posts too. Like we put like...

a podcast clip up they'd be like no this group is just for shows you like i can't put the podcast clip in this bitch all right yeah good move yeah no but lamar took the shit over now it's beautiful i had to i had to create another one because they're like they like blocked me out the group and i was like oh they're like if you want to do it so bad make another one i was like all right i'll make the exact same thing but wasn't it founded on like a democratic kind of vote for the admin or did you just go i was just being a little cool yeah

I was trying to be funny. You're like an American stealing a democracy. And he took everybody with him. Literally, everybody left that one and went to his. He took everybody with him. Damn. He fucked them over. That's pretty tight. Yeah, I like it. I like it. I like to go in there and troll. I like to go in there and be anonymous and be like, I'm an open mic-er. Why am I only getting five minutes on stage? How can I build an hour for my HBO special if I'm only getting five minutes on stage? I was like, maybe I should put the new people ahead of like...

the old people that been doing comedy like fuck these old guys and the people were so mad like hey dude kill yourself who the fuck are they were going crazy in there bro that shit was fun did you have a fake name or you went on no you can put up messages anonymously oh but let me and them know who it is like because they were so they knew it was me but nobody else knew it was me oh that was so much fun that is pretty funny i like people get angry at me when it's not really me when it's really me i get depressed have you been have you been the subject of a facebook beef

Kind of. Kind of, but if I'm beefing with somebody, I know I'm right. Because I'm quick to apologize and I'm quick to say when I'm wrong. So if I'm beefing with somebody, it's easy for me to be like, you a bitch and a hoe and you dead wrong. You see what I'm saying? Because I wouldn't beef with you under any other circumstance. True. So yeah, I've had some Facebook beefs. I stirred the pot a couple times. I don't go on Facebook anymore, but I remember I somehow...

it was pretty nice i somehow got the all white pussies versus the black comics oh shit i had a thing that had like is that all white guys were being dickheads about i think uh that warm daddy show they had like some comedian came by and they were like making fun of it i forget who it was it was like some black comedian who was on like a show it was like a funny it was just like a funny name to see they started shitting on it i'm like man that's fucked up all the white nerds are attacking the black comics dude it was just like

500 comments were they mocking a stage name yes oh no it wasn't even that there was the person they booked they were like that's so stupid like who cares about this guy because it was like the guy i genuinely forget the name it was an actual like name it was like a famous person right right it would be like if you had like urkel come before it was like something like that like a famous dude it was something like that people come with urkel and stefan i'll go see step matter of fact i'll go see uh what was what was his name when he was bruce lee i'll go see him on stage

Who? What? You mean the one with Bruce Lee? No. You remember all the Urkel transformations? That doesn't make sense if the black guy made that type of machine. It'd be nerd, cool guy, karate guy. That's it. That's it. Where else we going? You see what I'm saying? Nerd, cool guy, karate hero. And Michael Jackson. That's the final inside of the black nerd. You got to throw Michael Jackson in there too, bro. Decadently rich child molester, yeah. With half a face. True. That's after you master karate. Yeah, yeah.

Yo, you know what? I didn't believe that he was a real molester. And then I saw this interview the other day and the guy was bringing up all his surgeries and he was like, they said you had a dimple added to your chin. They said you got your lips wide. They said you had dimples added to your cheeks. You had your nose shaved down. And the whole time he was like, no, no. They don't give me credit for anything. I'm like, oh, he's just a bold-faced liar. Bro, you obviously got your nose shaved down. You obviously got a dimple added to your chin. And he was like, no. Oh my God, no. Your whole position is that...

If you lie about surgery, you fuck kids, bro. But you thought that the kids were lying and you were charmed by his response originally. Yes. True. Did he ever even... I don't think he ever made... Did he make comment about the allegations? I think that's why he just started having that guy put him to sleep.

Yeah, he said it was like a money grab. Oh, that's what you're saying? And some of them were money grabs, which is why I believe them. Because some of the kids did just straight up lie. Macaulay Culkin used to chill with them. He said Michael Jackson never touched them. True, he did say that. What's the other crazy guy? What's the other guy? Corey Feldman. Corey Feldman said Michael Jackson never touched them. True. Why didn't he fuck them, bro? True, exactly. You'd fuck Macaulay Culkin. If you fucking kids, that's Beyonce of kids, bro. Macaulay Culkin, that's the Beyonce of kids. Damn, you could stage him home alone.

get past all of his traps. You try to go like this and put your dick in his mouth when he's doing the fucking jump. That's all you want. Do that face you did in the mirror when you was in the bathroom and then you just slide your dick in there. That is the ultimate though. For a child molester. Not for guys like us. Not for us. Child molester hitting face fucking home alone cover. Dude.

That's a fair point, Naeem. I'm glad you brought that to the podcast. This is the child molester version of like PUA guys who were just like, girls, you don't have guy friends. You just have guy friends who haven't fucked you yet. It's like kids, child actors, listen, you don't have child molester friends. You just have child molesters who haven't fucked you yet. There you go. True. Damn, booby trap is roller coaster so you can escape the theme park. Booby trap roller coaster.

yeah yeah cory fellman said no yeah macaulay said no so why would he fuck these other kids come on yeah true maybe he's just politicking though those are those are heavy hitters to have on your side saying he didn't do it you know yeah cory fell he fucked like backup dancers for shakira or something like that who's gonna believe

Home Alone? Or, you know, this guy with a dangly earring in his right ear. True. He was more trustworthy. All right, but here's the thing. He fucked that kid into being a backup dancer for Shakur. He created a career for this kid, bro. This was a kid. You gotta think. When he fucked him, he was a kid. You're saying that kid would have been an accountant. Yes. If he didn't. He would have been an accountant.

a cashier some stupid shit then here go michael jackson give you the magic dick now you can dance you know what i'm saying do you think i was gonna say do you think it was like a you can dance or do you think in some of those sleepovers he was kind of hitting him with some cool moves okay you're right it's that that is what it is yeah true he gave him the shine that's all he cared about was he gave him the rub he gave him the rub

Do you guys remember Emmanuel Lewis? Yeah. Michael Jackson used to hang out with him. He was like Webster or something. Yeah, he sat on his lap. Yeah, he was a grown-ass man at that time. Webster, wait, what? He was like Gary Coleman. Yeah, but he's a permanent child. And he was hanging out with Michael Jackson a lot. And there's a video of him sitting on Michael Jackson's lap. He was barely legal, basically. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

God damn, dude. There's a video of him sitting on Michael Jackson's lap and it looks kind of like, oh, he's just a kid sitting on his lap. But then they're like, yo, he was like 27 in this video. Totally legal. Which is legal. Totally above board, dude. Don't want to hear about it. Well, you guys know in anime, right? You know how it's like, oh, fuck, you're going to have to help me out on this. But, you know, in hentai, it's illegal to...

animate child pornography. Yeah. So the way that they get around it is they've created a ton of characters that are a thousand years old but stuck in the body of a child. Oh, shit. Like fucking Krillin, bro. So he was just doing hentai with Webster. Damn. Yo, that's crazy. So technically, this character is over a thousand years old. Damn. Bro, I love a good loophole. I'll tell you that right now. Did they say exactly what... I love a good loophole. You find a good loophole, bro, I'm on down for it. I love that, man.

Yeah, do they say exactly what how old of a body they're stuck in it? They just say child I mean, I think you're just like scrolling through thumbnails until you find what you like I See you're saying you know, this is all perfectly it all depends on the the stroke of the artist Yeah, and that might have gone by the wayside as well. That was that was the long thing I'm married Are you did you follow any of that stuff? They broke kids from the curse?

i i think japanese high court was like the curse yeah the curse what's the what's the legality on this why are you sweating so much right now what was the stuff the the the anime thing where like the perverts had to stop animating like children in sexual situations like demons like succubuses yeah is that still legal yeah i think so i still i see new succubuses

Is that where the tentacle comes from? They're like, this isn't a child. They have an octopus tentacle. No, that's something different. That's just from their heavy seafood diet. True. Yeah, they do eat a lot of seafood. And they eat a lot of octopus, too. Exactly. So in America, we get fucked by cattle to death. And in Japan, octopi slither into your uterus. Damn. And it's like, you know, that's not for me. Yeah, for sure.

You know what? Octopus can change the texture of their skin. Yeah, dude. They can just turn into just a little like... They can be ribbed. A coral reef. They can get ribbed on you. Oh, they can just turn like almost like a leopard. That's pretty tight. Yes. Like it's not... Like chameleon, piece of shit. All you do is change the colors, bro. Octopus can actually change the texture of their skin. They can make their skin like the texture of what they're looking like. That's nuts. That's pretty wild. Damn. Alien shit, bro.

I got to show Maya a lizard changing its color. Oh, yeah? She was pretty pumped on that. I just told her about it. It was a green lizard, then it went away, and I was like, you know, I think it turned brown at any second, right? She was just like...

So we can hide. And she was just like, as soon as she saw the first person, we saw a lizard turn to brown. She's so excited. Oh yeah. Kids get hype, man. They learn some new shit. So fucking pumped. Hell yeah. So pumped. Yeah, bro. She was pumped to be equipped. These new kids are smarter too. They're way smarter than us. That's because people talk to them. True. Yeah.

Yo, you're right. Nobody ever used to talk to us when we were little. That's crazy. We only would talk to other kids. That's all you talk to. Damn, that's crazy. You're right. Dude, my parents were just like, be quiet. All the time. Be nice. Be nice. Be quiet. They were never like, yo, you see this B right here? Guess what this thing does. Right. It's just like...

day are you right be quiet i actually had to train myself to answer questions from the kids really because fritz is six and he's all questions and yeah if i'm in the middle of doing something and he's like asking how it works first it's can i help and you go you can hang out with me while i do it yeah you're useless and then he'll say why are you doing that and then my instinct from my upbringing is to be like because that's how it works and instead i have to be like

well you know how we plug things into the wall well there's actually electric like dude it's yeah you gotta explain the whole thing step by step which is great and enjoyable i'm just no it is though it's fun that's not what i was wired to do i know it's so funny you start turning like you're like you tune into that just like that's just how it works dad how's that work go away yeah i want to get this done so your mom doesn't bother me

I want to get this done before the fucking game starts. Yeah. What are you writing a book? Get out of here. I only go there when they repeat the question. Like if I answer you once and I got it, my two year old does this a lot where she's like, dad, what's that? And I'm like, first of all, who's that? That's Sean Gardini, baby. Chill out. You see what I'm saying? Like don't say what's that to a person. And then she'll say it again. Dad, what's that? And I'm like, I just told you.

who that was and I told you how to ask that question. Now I'm not answering you because you said it twice. But I explained to her why I'm not going to answer her again. Well, apparently, I was reading this thing and they were saying that kids have like

no concept of like anyone else's reality until they're seven, seven years old. I think like if you show a kid, there's a, there's seven, six or seven. They said there's a book. So if you give them a book, the front screen, the art or the backs orange, you hold the front, you go, what color is the front? They go green. You go, what color is this? And they go orange. And you flip the book back around. What color am I looking at? They go green. They can't. They don't. They can't take your point of view. In,

an hour and a half. Really? I'm definitely going to test this. Because they say they can't do perspective taking until they're about six or seven years old. But that makes sense. Well, I would even think older because in all honesty, bro, I ain't know that. I felt like I was the only person that was real until I was like 19. I thought when I walked in the rooms, everybody just loaded up, bro. You see what I'm saying? I ain't know nobody was real. I'm like, I'm the only real person.

So six or seven is kind of early for that, I think. Honestly, I didn't think any of y'all motherfuckers was real. Until I was like 19, 20 years old. What was the realization like? I had cheated on some girl when I was in college. And she was so fucked up and distraught to the point where her sister and her mom called me. Like, yo, she's really fucked up. You really fucked her up. And I was like,

She had like a whole like family and story behind her. Like she's a person. Like the same way I got a story behind me, she got this too. I was like, wait, everybody got this shit. You see what I mean? That's what it is. That's so wild. I'm like, damn. I had the complete opposite experience where I was so aware of other people that it was almost like torture for me. Really? Really? Oh, yeah. I had the exact thing Naeem had. I would just be like,

no thought yeah whatsoever i was i was stopped in my tracks regularly like with worry for other people and like yo i can tell because you still kind of like that now bro you still got some of that shit with you what do you mean like you're very aware of other people and like their feelings yeah you're very aware i'm just trying to be an adult i always feel like a huge piece of shit i'll be like yeah fuck it he's like well yeah but i feel it's kind of fucked up i'm like

Yeah, I guess it is. He always gives you another perspective. Like, yeah, that's kind of fucked up. Yeah, it is essentially sad for that person. Well, don't confuse it. I was ready to completely brush that off. Like, you're good at presenting other people's arguments. Like, if I'm like, yo, I got a problem with this guy because this is an ad. You're very good at being like... I mean, but night, think about it. Like...

from his point of view if he's like alright you're right I'm in absolute agony over my perspective searching all the time when I was like a pretty young kid I was probably like 10 or 11 years old and I had brothers from different moms or no these ones had different dads

so we don't have the same match dude none of us matched up okay yeah so i had i had a brother i almost was like that's impossible there's a part of my brain i was like got him that's not possible okay paul is a different mom my wigger brothers have a different dad okay okay that's what it is yeah and so uh my brother my brother paul was into like hardcore and shit growing up and like

He would take me to shows as a young kid, and they were fucking pretty crazy. But there was a point where my two different wings of brothers tried to co-mingle for a little bit. And it was oil and water. Now they get along. I mean, they kind of tolerated each other as long as they needed the same thing from my parents. Right, right. Like a ride somewhere. True, yeah. Something like that. But when they were almost adults, they went to a show, and one of my wigger brothers...

It was a, you know, they're going to see like punk bands and shit. And my wigger brother tried to like grind on a dude's girlfriend. So tight. Whoa. Hell yeah. Nice. He tried to get a fucking Wally, bro. That's nice. Yo.

I, that's so tough. How much of a wigger is he? Like, bro, I, the, I, the biggest, the number one phrase that I remember him from him growing up is I remember him answering an early cell phone and being invited somewhere. And he was like, we'll see. We'll see. They're going to have honey dips there. Oh, honey. Yeah. So he had it. I'm not leaving the house.

He had a honey dips policy, basically. I'm not showing up unless there's honey dips. That's ultra wigger, bro. Like fully scar faced out as an adult. Obviously, dude. So tight. It's so tight. The honey dips. I wish I had the confidence to say shit like that. Yeah. He drove a big Buick with like a red felt interior and just like smoked weed in the car on his lunch breaks and stuff. He had a Buick? Yeah. Yeah.

That's also a black people think. Riviera. That's a nice Buick, bro. That's pretty tough. We're talking about a two door. He's shitting on him. He had a Riviera. Yeah. And I think a Riviera came with 19 inch rims on it, if I'm not mistaken. And he stayed on the. He just reminded me. Dude, every now and again, there's certain cars that white people are like whatever about that black people sweat so fucking hard. Yeah, dude. I couldn't remember the car. He's like that.

I had a Mercury...

It was like a Mercury Sable or one of those cars. Hollywood top, dude. Had the rag top. When I was selling pills, I'd always be in West Philly and I would come out of this bar and these dudes would harass me. You had a Classy Ford Tourer. Let me buy that off you, bro. You had the Classy Ford Tourer, bro. A Mercury Sable. Bro, how much? I'm like, dude, I'm not selling my car. It's my only car. I can't sell this to you. That's your first car and then your next car is an Infiniti.

He tried grinding on a dude's girlfriend and he got rolled on and they fucked him up. These were dudes that were like already spin kicking each other just because the band was playing. And they beat the fuck out of him. And he came home and he had to be like wrestled down by like my dad and like two dudes because he tried to leave the house with like a kitchen knife. Oh, he was going to go back. He was going to go back. He was going to go back to the venue with like an eight inch kitchen knife.

And he had to be like, wrestle down. And I saw him, dude. He was fucked up, dude. Yeah, dude. It was a beat his ass. And I was so upset for him. This dude hated my guts every day of my life. And we never got along. And I was just, I remember as a kid, like losing sleep, just like, damn, dude, that probably sucked. And all those guys beat the fuck out of you. Like, damn.

Yeah, bro. Imagine if he got in there with the butcher knife, though. Oh, my God. There's a bunch of dudes like... Bro, he'd have cut maybe one or two of them, then somebody would have... They'd have beat his ass again and took his knife and stabbed him. They would have done wrestling moves, too. So they'd have got him again. He was going back with the wrong type of weapon. Someone would have put him on their shoulders, and another guy would have stage-dived into him and broke his neck on the concrete. Damn, what about a heroic mosher? Just like, no! Yo!

Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy. Damn. I moshed out once. You moshed out? I moshed out one time, bro. Mosh and stye, yeah. Let's stye all night. Oh, Lemaire's telling us to get out of here. Do you want to tell us about your mosh story now? What?

God damn, why was that 30 minutes so fast? That 30 minutes was the fastest 30 minutes ever. That first 30 minutes I thought was like an hour. And it was just dense. I was like, that's got to be an hour's worth of stuff. I think the heat made the first 30 feel longer. Bless him with it. And then the air made the second 30 feel faster. What type of mosh are we talking about? Are we talking about chubby guys just kind of bouncing off of each other? Or dudes that practice moves? This was practice moves. This was practice moves at J.J. Mallins. Okay. Okay.

So this isn't even a circle pit. This is just dudes bouncing off each other. We're just bouncing off each other. No, dude. You need to get in there and you need to start throwing hands behind you. I didn't do that. I'm scared of that. You need to be throwing head kicks, maybe jump spinning kicks. You need to be like, what? You have to be practicing in your room at night. Yeah, I was just like bouncing off of people. Until your mom comes up from the kitchen and says, what the fuck are you doing up here? That's what moshing is. You're right. You're right. I should have got more into it.

Because somebody recorded me. Matter of fact, Kellen recorded me. And then I posted it in my story. And all my friends from the hood was like, what the fuck are you doing, bro? Oh, man. Oh, they turned you up. You're tap dancing with these honkers. They turned you up, bro. I'm like, yo, it's funny. I don't understand.

You ever fucking run into somebody because the song is hot? You know what I'm saying? Doesn't Travis Scott have a whole thing about moshing? He does. I think it's trampling. That's also like... Black people with mosh, they trample, dude. I was in the trample pit. My girlfriend died. It was sick.

What kind of trampling are we talking about? Like, were you kind of dancing on him or were you just kind of shoving Puerto Rican girls? I like that he kept the concert going, though. That's fucking hard, bro. Bro, if you don't want to get trampled. You just keep going while people are dying and shit? Yes. If you don't want to get trampled, don't go in the pit. Yeah.

Well, I think it was like Drake came out. I think Drake came out and people were just like, and they just wanted to get physically closer to Drake. They wanted to stand like 75 feet away instead of 90 feet away. And they just murdered, stepped on people. That's fucking crazy. Pretty terrible stuff. I mean, you know what? It's music though, bro. Sometimes people got to die if the song good. The song good, fuck it. Yeah. I mean, yeah, pretty much. It is containing that same energy that we used to use to like sacrifice virgins. Yeah, exactly. Like, ah.

We take death way too seriously. People die. That's why drums are invented. Drums are invented to artificially elevate the tribe's heartbeat until you got them to do something insane. Yes, you're right. That's true. It sucks that now we use it to kind of get your dick sucked. It's supposed to be putting...

It's for inducing a tizzy. Yeah, true. You're right. Dude, speaking of tizzies, let's, uh, dude, plug the Philly Comedy Festival. I mean, it's going to be tight, dude. What day? Where? Where do you get tickets? The return of the live stoner dads. Oh,

noble bomb i think i think i have new stuff i want i have a couple new things i'm going to try to do a new comedy showcase to explain it so explain it you're doing it we're doing a one day comedy festival in philadelphia at a very cool venue called gall and co it was a converted old like small eastern european church in a in a in in the neighborhood in philly

It's one day, noon to midnight. It's going to be seriously the biggest retard pile on of all time. The best shit ever. We got Suave. We got all the panties in the mouth. Do ragging a deer tag. Livestoner dads. Some very big time cool guests that we are kind of keeping under our hat. Nice. Big time.

It's going to be fun. I know who everybody is. And y'all should come. I know exactly who's going to be there. It's big-ass names. So it's the Sunday before Labor Day. It's the Sunday before Labor Day, September 3rd. Go to phlcomedyfestival.com and join us there. It'll be tight. It's the event of the summer. I'm excited, dude. It's going to be nice. Dude, also, please come to Wise Guys Comedy Club in Salt Lake City. It's September 15th through the 16th.

comedy at the carlson in rochester new york of uh september 22nd and 23rd tacoma comedy club spokane comedy zone charlotte cap city austin texas and mcgoobies joke house all on matt mccusker.com slash dates there's a link in the thing below goobies i'm on that one with you yeah yeah i'm on my goobies with uh matt matt i gotta give it up to you real quick because you kind of like walk me through the whole process i got my fucking first weekend when i

It's in St. Louis, October 20th and 21st. Yeah. Let's go. That's tight. Yeah, Tim. And I just want to publicly give it up to you, Matt, because you kind of like took me under your wing and like got me to this point. And you kind of show me that you can just kind of do it on your own. Nice, man. And dude, it's happening. October 20th and 21st. Shane did the same thing to me. He's like, dude, don't be stupid. Just do stand-up. You've already passed it on.

Nice. It's the greatest gift. And I was like, yeah, you're right. This is the best idea ever. Thanks. I can't believe it. Anyway, I'm very excited to go to St. Louis and smoke weed with the Tardy dudes out front. You can go to TimButterly.com. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Please join me. Let me. But I'm going to be in the same place. September 15th. This is the week, month before. And August 31st in Providence, Rhode Island at the road door. Please. Red door. Nice. Hell yeah. Oh, two off the top. Helium Comedy Club. August 30th.

Get your tickets now. Right now. Philadelphia. Healing, Philly. Yeah. Healing, Philly. Everybody going to be there. Come through. Hell yeah. All right, bros. Thank you.