Finally, Justice for Matt Gaetz
01:10:30 Share

Building a business may feel like a big jump, but OnDeck small business loans can help keep you afloat. With lines of credit up to $100,000 and term loans up to $250,000, OnDeck lets you choose the loan that's right for your business. As a top-rated online small business lender, OnDeck's team of loan advisors can help you find the right business loan to fit your needs. Visit OnDeck.com for more information.

Listen. All right. Welcome to Love It or Leave It. Tonight on the show, Brian Jordan Alvarez shows hole punch.

Reggie Watts tunes up while I tune out. And to wrap it all up, Reggie, Brian, and I give doubling down a big old thumbs up. Plus, again, I want to see what's on your minds tonight. So at the end of the show, we're just going to see what's on your minds. What? We're done with high notes. We're simply done with them.

I have loved everybody's high notes, but we're doing something now called Joyride, which is instead of something big and important in your life, something small, fun, and distracting in your life. Or in the case of last week, something big and distracting in your life. It was about an orgasm. All right. But first, let's get into it. What a week.

In the days since his re-election, Donald Trump has been announcing cabinet picks and White House appointees that reflect his desire to be surrounded with friends and allies regardless of qualifications. This is of course known as the Adam Sandler Doctrine. LAUGHTER

This was purely a joke, and we literally wrote it before we heard that Trump had actually nominated Rob Schneider to be the ambassador to Germany. Yes, yes. Former SNL actor and current anti-vaxxer Rob Schneider, ambassador to Germany. Yes. No, we made that up. But you believed it. Because that's where we're at.

Trump first announced that Susie Wiles, his campaign co-chair and who is a former lobbyist, will serve as White House chief of staff, making her the first woman to ever hold that job. Susie Wiles is a real keep-the-trains-on-time-and-on-the-track sort of person. Who's on the trains? Where are they going? None of her business.

Trump named Congresswoman Elise Stefanik to be ambassador to the United Nations. She is a once normie millennial Harvard Republican that was very critical of Trump, who used the first Ukraine impeachment to do a rebrand as a MAGA dunce. She ultimately joined a lawsuit to overturn the 2020 election. More recently, she famously tried to set a trap for those college presidents over anti-Semitism, which she didn't even get to use because they just jumped into the hole before she'd even have a chance to like spread branches over it.

It's like she had this whole line of questioning to lead them to a gotcha, but they were just like... Stefanik will direct that same pre-neigh antagonism toward the United Nations, and honestly, whatever. We've got bigger fish to fry. Trump also named another former critic-cum-supplicant to a high-ranking foreign policy role. Marco Rubio has been chosen to be Secretary of State. When asked for comment, Rubio scurried under a thimble to escape a hungry robin, which I assume means he accepted.

Imagine if the person you were nine days ago could hear you saying, oh, thank God, Secretary of State Marco Rubio. Imagine how hard you would punch you. The rest of the nominations rolled out like this. For those listening at home, that was a scene from late Game of Thrones where a white walker runs towards Cersei.

Lannister. Trump selected former New York Congressman Lee Zeldin to lead the EPA. Zeldin doesn't have a specific track record or interest in environmental policy. He's expressed skepticism of climate change, but his main qualifications seem to be being from New York and voting to overturn the election. And yeah, that pick sounded bad when Trump announced it back on Monday, but it's Thursday now, and with Thursday comes perspective. So have at it, Mr. Zeldin. When's the last time any of us really hung out in a marsh, you know?

We have bigger fish to fry. Tom Homan, acting ICE director during the first Trump administration and one of the architects of its family separation policy, will serve as border czar. This is distinct from Trump's other family separation policy, which is marked by some outright estrangement, but mostly a quiet deepening chasm between parents and children, marked not by angry conversations, but silences and unsent texts, plus a decision to simply split up into a wicked group and a gladiator two group.

Plus, Santa Monica fascist Stephen Miller will come aboard as deputy chief of staff for policy, fresh off his press tour for Nosferatu. I hear he is phenomenal. Trump announced Tuesday that he will nominate Arkansas governor and guy who unironically believes God is white, Mike Huckabee, to serve as ambassador to Israel. Big congrats to Israel, or as Mike Huckabee calls it, Jewtopia. Huckabee said this about Israel's settlements earlier in the week. I think Israel...

I mean, sure, we can all deny the existence of people and realities that complicate our worldview, I guess. There's no such thing as a Mike Huckabee. Feels good to say, would be cool if it worked.

On Tuesday, Trump named Fox News anchor Pete Hegseth as his Secretary of Defense, which again seemed like the craziest choice possible on Tuesday. But here we are on Thursday, having lived a thousand lives, all of them terrible. He previously considered Hegseth to head up Veterans Affairs during his first term, but was advised he probably wouldn't get confirmed by the Senate. Here's a video of Pete throwing an axe at a drummer. Who's going to win this battle of the

Then on Wednesday, Trump announced that former Hawaii Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard would serve as Director of National Intelligence. Congrats to Tulsi, but an even bigger congrats to her FSB handlers. You guys crushed this one. Should someone who amplifies conspiracy theories and parrots Russian propaganda be put in charge of 18 spy agencies? A question for all of us to consider nine days ago.

But amazingly, jaw-droppingly, the worst was yet to come. As Trump announced Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz as his pick for Attorney General. And you know what those magic words mean? It's a hard reset on the simulation.

Any minute now. Here we go. I wonder how far back we'll go this cycle. I'd like to see Gravity in the theater for the first time again. That was a fucking blast. Ooh, wake up 2012. About to find out I was going to shoot a pilot for NBC, a TV show with my name on it. It's going to be a hit any second now. Here we go. Let's reset. Any second now.

When a reporter asked GOP Congressman Mike Simpson whether he thought that Gates, who is despised, I remind you, not just by House Democrats, but by House Republicans, was fit to be attorney general, Simpson replied, and this is a quote, are you shitting me that you just asked that question? No, but hell, you'll print that and now I'm going to be investigated. What a perfect quote to encapsulate Trump's second term. Put it in the history books, countries that still have those four years from now.

Politico reporter Meredith Lee Hill also said she saw a House Republican laughing so hard about Gaetz's appointment that he started crying.

The choice of Matt Gaetz did not sit well with many Senate Republicans, some of whom thought it was a literal joke. He's got his work really cut out for him, a chuckling Joni Ernst told reporters. Said Susan Collins, I was shocked by the appointment. That shows why the advice and consent process is so important. I'm sure that there will be a lot of questions raised at his hearing. If there's one thing Susan Collins is going to be, it's shocked. Just a 71-year-old woman moving through the Trump era like a baby on the business end of a peekaboo. LAUGHTER

Lisa Murkowski said that Gates's selection was not on her bingo card and that he is not a serious candidate, adding, if you wanted to make a joke, maybe I would say now I'm waiting for George Santos to be named.

Can I ask a question? When did people start saying, not on my bingo card? Events are never on bingo cards. Numbers are on bingo cards. It's always only numbers. Though, some Republicans did get in line with the manifestly unqualified Gates, who has never been a prosecutor and only briefly served in private practice as a lawyer. Tommy Tuberville, who reportedly reacted to the news with, holy cow. LAUGHTER

Went on Fox News and threatened his fellow Senate Republicans who might be thinking of voting against a Trump nominee. And if you want to get in the way, fine. But we're going to try to get you out of the Senate, too, if you try to do that. Cool colleague Lindsey Graham also seemed ready to board the Gates train. He won the election. He deserves a chance to pick his cabinet. I am predisposed to allow him to do that. I think Matt Gates is very bright. I think he's qualified. You faggot.

He's not qualified. Words have meaning. Look, I know we're all focusing on the fact that Matt Gaetz is a fucking maniac and vile person who allegedly solicited sex from teenage girls. And that is the most important point. But also, a guy who spent a couple years as an associate at a Northwest Florida corporate law office before nepo-babying his way into Florida politics is not qualified to run the Department of Justice. And everyone knows this. Lindsey Graham knows this. Matt Gaetz knows this.

Now, some have speculated that this is some sort of a favor. Gates immediately resigned from Congress on Wednesday, which is strange. Doesn't have to resign immediately. He's not even been officially nominated. Trump isn't president. But then we learn that the House Ethics Committee planned to vote on Friday on whether to release an apparently damning report on the bipartisan investigation into Gates' alleged crimes, sexual and otherwise. In case you're wondering what might be in that report, here's Matt Gates' number one enemy, former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, talking to the press back in April.

And I'll give you the truth why I'm not speaker. It's because one person, a member of Congress, wanted me to stop an ethics complaint because he slept with a 17-year-old. So, the theory goes, Trump nominates Gates, Gates resigns before the report can be released, and then the Gates nomination goes down, clearing the way for a slightly less terrible pick to seem like a relief by comparison. It's an interesting theory with just one problem. Trump wants Gates to be Attorney General.

Trump is reportedly very serious about this, with one advisor telling the bulwark none of the attorneys had what Trump wants and they didn't talk like Gates. Everyone else looked at AG as if they were applying for a judicial appointment. They talked about their vaunted legal theories and constitutional bullshit. Gates was the only one who said, yeah, I'll go over there and start cutting fucking heads.

I just hope Merrick Garland feels good about twisting himself into an inert pretzel to avoid the appearance of political weaponization, only for Trump to run on that anyway and then appoint Matt fucking Gates to take his job. Then on Thursday, a lawyer for the woman who Gates allegedly slept with when she was a minor asked for the report to be released anyway. John Cornyn, who sits on the Judiciary Committee, suggested the committee could subpoena that report, saying we should gain access to all relevant information by whatever means necessary. Personally, I don't think we need the report.

The publicly available information is incredibly damning. And any GOP senator pretending not to know enough about who Matt Gaetz is, is lying. You don't need final word from the Bayer Safety Committee before you're allowed to say, hey, maybe we shouldn't let this horny pervert grizzly loose at the Department of Justice. But yes, of course, subpoena the report. Go off, King.

On the whole, Trump's pick seemed to dare Republicans to challenge him, and few seem up for it. Here's Congressman Troy Nell summing up the prevailing GOP mindset on Capitol Hill. There's no question he's the leader of our party. So now he's got a mission statement. His mission and his goals and objectives, whatever that is, we need to embrace it. All of it. Every single word. If Donald Trump says jump three feet high and scratch your head, we all jump three feet high and scratch our heads.

If he wants us to writhe on a tarp covered in chocolate pudding and oink like filthy little piggies, we will. Actually, let me just get the tarps out now. We don't want to leave him waiting. Just a little bit of therapy away from realizing he just wants to do some sub-dom play at home and then... That's all he wants. Completely unexamined. Get one beautiful woman to step on his balls for him to get out of this mess. Or a guy. Could be a guy. I don't think he knows if it should be a guy or not.

And we're all about to see how pliant these little piggies can be because on Thursday, Trump announced his intention to nominate Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the anti-vax crank and bone collector, to be Secretary of Health and Human Services. Our nation's fate is in the worms' hands now. And I know worms don't have hands. I went to school pre-Trump, thank you very much. Thank you.

Kennedy, who rails not only against Big Pharma but also Big Food, complained earlier this week about Trump's fast food diet, saying campaign food is always bad, but the food that goes onto that airplane is like just poison. You're either given KFC or Big Macs. Then he added, that's why I always pack my own lunch, gesturing to the dead raccoon tucked under his arm like a football.

I don't mean that. I don't mean that. I don't mean that.

Okay, so maybe we do need to make marijuana illegal. Uh,

Said Polis, I hope he leans into personal choice on vaccines rather than bans, which I think are terrible, just like mandates. But what I'm most optimistic about is taking on big pharma and the corporate ag oligopoly to improve our health. Polis goes on to explain his enthusiasm for Kennedy's desire to lower the cost of prescription medication, remove the influence of big agriculture from the FDA, and reduce pesticide-heavy farming, which he notes is bad for our pollinators and our people. Sure.

that would be good. I'm not sure why Jared Polis thinks a crank lawyer and dilettante is the person to accomplish them, but whatever prescription drug is making him feel that way, I would certainly like some. Twitter users pointed out that Polis tweeted in August about RFK Jr.'s hypothetical involvement with the Trump administration, not sure how bringing back measles and bringing back polio makes anyone more healthy. Yes, August Jared. So true, August Jared.

Here is RFK Jr.'s actual response to that post by Governor Polis today. It reads, Thank you, Governor Polish. I look forward to working with you. Maha. Which is, make America healthy again.

Polis tweeted a little cleanup saying science must remain the cornerstone of our nation's health policy and the science backed decision to get vaccinated improves public health and safety, adding, lest there be any doubt, I am vaccinated as is my family. I will hold any HHS secretary to the same high standard of protecting and improving public health.

Just a reminder, according to The Lancet, over the last 50 years, vaccines against just 14 illnesses have prevented 154 million deaths, 146 million of which were children. Since 2000 alone, just the measles vaccine has prevented 60 million deaths. Vaccines are a miracle.

The only reason anti-vax skepticism has any quarter in modern society is because anti-vaxxers live in a world in which life before vaccines is unimaginable to all of us. They spin each other up. They deny basic science, all while protected by one of the greatest achievements in human history. Kids have gotten very sick from preventable childhood illnesses, and some have died because of RFK Jr.'s brand of bullshit. And lots of people...

bought into the anti-vaccine hysteria around COVID and died because of it. But anti-vaccine crusaders were on the outside making trouble. That changes if RFK Jr. oversees the FDA, the CDC, the National Institutes of Health, not just for the damage he can do in the short term, but the damage he can do to research in the long term. Polis says, I don't want vaccine bans, but RFK makes some good points about pesticides and nutrition. There are many dangerous and foolish people who have a few good points. Eric Adams is right about the rats.

The Unabomber Manifesto had some interesting arguments about industrialization and global capitalism. That's not a justification for putting them in charge and hoping for the best. I would put the Unabomber in charge of Harvard. Now that I think about it for just a second.

Does that mean that experts are always right? No. Does that mean there aren't ways in which stodgy consensus or health policy co-opted by lobbyists ought to be disrupted? Of course not. I remember when the federal government put out the food pyramid telling us we needed six to ten servings of bread a day. What a glorious time to be alive that was. Can't have any chicken tonight. I'm on a diet. It's only pasta. That was what the government did. Country gained a trillion pounds.

No dessert until you've had your six slices of bread. When I was growing up in middle school, you could get a plate of French fries with chocolate milk for lunch. That's a botch. But this department, more than any other, has a responsibility not just to the truth, but to how we gather the evidence and data over decades to help us know the truth.

RFK Jr. doesn't respect that inquiry. He's a danger to it. The man is a crank. What is a crank? A crank is somebody whose combination of arrogance and ignorance leads them to believe they know better than every expert, that they can see what all the best minds have missed, that they know better, and that ego and dogmatism often prevails even when the stakes are high, even when the stakes are life-threatening.

and death because they don't know what they don't know and they're too cavalier and entitled to find out. And that makes someone like RFK Jr. unacceptable. And Jared Polis ought to fucking say that. Or maybe having gay governors was a mistake. Hate to say that. I don't want to turn on gay governors. There's that bisexual one in the Pacific Northwest. Maybe she's okay.

Meanwhile, the signs of the orderly working of our democracy are all around us. In his meeting with President Biden, Trump thanked him for a smooth transition. Thank you very much. And politics is tough. And it's in many cases not a very nice world, but it is a nice world today. And I appreciate it very much. A transition that's so smooth, it'll be as smooth as it can get. And I very much appreciate that, Jim. You're welcome.

The only smooth transition I see involves my brain cells. I know Biden has to do this meeting, but does he have to be so friendly, at least challenge this bitch to a push-up contest? Melania did not join her husband for the visit to the White House on Wednesday, skipping a traditional meeting with First Lady Jill Biden without providing a reason. In her defense, Trump hasn't announced his pick for First Lady yet.

Oh no, sorry you can't make it, girl, said Jill Biden, refilling the same continuous bath she's been taking since July. In other news, Mattel has apologized for accidentally printing the URL of a porn website and the packaging for its Wicked-themed dolls. The label mistakenly directed fans to Wicked.com instead of the official site Analgasm.sex.

Speaking of gasms, People magazine has named John Krasinski its 2024 sexiest man alive. Man, sexiest man kind of alive went to former president Jimmy Carter. Mark Zuckerberg released a cover of Get Low with T-Pain. Let's take a listen. This is real. Do you know how annoying you have to be?

To make us forget you're not the world's most annoying billionaire. That really was Mark Zuckerberg. And now that you've heard it, you have seven days to play it for someone else. Or else Mark Zuckerberg crawls out of a well and makes you listen to it again. The Onion won a bankruptcy auction. This is good news.

to buy Alex Jones' InfoWars with the help of Sandy Hook Families and said it plans to turn the website into a parody of itself. It will take control of all the company's assets, including its studio. Unable to safely test for rabies, they unfortunately had no choice but to have Jones himself humanely euthanized. Rest in piss, Alex. That's great. Thank you.

And finally, Denzel Washington revealed he had a big gay kiss in Ridley Scott's Gladiator 2, but the scene ended up on the cutting room floor. I know. 30 years ago, Denzel and Julia Roberts were not allowed to kiss in the Pelican Brief because of racism. 30 years later, Denzel can't kiss somebody because of homophobia. I'm calling it progress.

Said Denzel, I actually kissed a man in the film, but they took it out. They cut it. I think they got chicken. He went on to say, next time I'll make sure it's in the script. All right. Up next, Brian Jordan Alvarez is here to put the stud in study. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Love it or leave it is brought to you by SimpliSafe. If you've ever worried about the safety of your home and family, there's no better time to act right now. You can get 60% off a new SimpliSafe security system. Their best deal of the year, SimpliSafe is rated one of the most trusted home security systems. And right now, love it or leave it listeners can get 60% off today by visiting simplisafe.com slash love it. I've set up a SimpliSafe, as I've told you many times, incredibly easy to do. You can customize it for the number of windows and doors and everything.

transoms in your home. Transoms? Mm-hmm. You may have a transom or two. A lot of people do. You may not know. You've got to secure that transom. It's easy, and then once it works, it's out of the box. Great app. Great customer service. Highly recommend it. SimpliSafe is a new way to protect your home that stops intruders before they break into your home.

Because your mind is the scene of the crime. No, they use some sort of monitoring technology that's very effective. SimpliSafe's active guard outdoor protection changes the game by preventing crime before it happens because they can see into the future. Plus, there's no long-term contracts, no cancellation fees, and it's around $1 per day for all this protection. SimpliSafe is offering our listeners...

Exclusive early access to their Black Friday sale. This week only you can get 60% off any new system with a select professional monitoring plan. This is their best offer of the year. Head to simplisafe.com slash loveit. That's simplisafe.com slash loveit. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Quince. We love Quince. It's a great website to go. They've got great essentials for a reasonable price. They have great sheets. If you're in the market for sheets.

Every once in a while, give yourself a treat. Update your sheets, you know? Let's say you've had a bad week because you spent a year working towards a goal and then that goal was basically bashed in front of you, you know? This is about... This is about sheets and comfortable clothes. Hey, we all need sweatpants, especially these days with all that's going on. Quince is known for their Mongolian cashmere sweaters from $50...

That's cashmere from Mongolia, so you know it's good. I didn't know they did cashmere there. I don't know. I thought that was a big export. I don't know anything about it. I'm learning about it here, and I think it's exciting to imagine how far it's come, either

style-wise or geographically, you know? Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. That includes beautiful leather jackets, cotton cardigans, soft denim, and so much more. Maybe I'm going to go in a leather jacket direction. Maybe that's what's next for me. I'm going to become a leather jacket guy. I can see it. I'm getting you one for Christmas. How are they able to do all this? By partnering directly with top factories and cutting out the cost of the middleman.

which passes the savings on to us. Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices. And of course, premium fabrics and finishes for that luxury feel in every piece. We love Quince. We already talked about it. Great sheets, great sweats, great clothes. You'll like it. Check it out. Get cozy in Quince's high quality wardrobe essentials. Go to quince.com slash love it for free shipping under order and 365 day returns. That's

Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash love it to get free shipping and 365 day returns. I always think of Rosie Perez saying, Quince, in the movie, white man can't jump when she's on Jeopardy because Quince was one of the answers. And she goes, Quince. And that's how she says it. And it's great. But so is Quince. Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash love it. Quince dot com slash love it.

Love to Relieve It is brought to you by Prolon. These days, people are learning about the benefits of a fasting-mimicking diet, from weight loss to improved mental and physical performance and improved gut health.

Some still worry about the whole not eating part. Well, that's exactly why Prolon was created. Prolon is a fast that includes food. And when it's done in combination with other healthy eating habits and exercise can provide many of these advantages. Introducing Prolon, a revolutionary plant-based nutrition program that nourishes the body while making cells believe they're fasting. Researched and developed for decades at the University of Southern California Longevity Institute and backed by leading U.S. medical centers, Prolon helps promote healthy blood sugar, support cardiovascular health, and reduce obesity.

And we're back.

Please welcome to the stage the star of Hulu's English Teacher, the incredibly funny Brian Jordan Alvarez! Come on in! Hello! Here? Yeah, great. Okay, great. Hi! Hi, hi.

Hi. Hi, Brian. Hey, good to see you. We see each other at Barry's Boot Camp. We do. Almost weekly, I would say. We see a lot. We see each other a lot. And it's a really hard place to bump into somebody. Yeah. I'm usually energetic. If it's after, then I have a lot of energy. And I'm like, I'm always right to see you. I just feel it's like- You're kind of focused. You're in the zone. I just feel vulnerable.

in that setting. Right, right, right. You know? It's not where I like, I don't, you know, I'm not there to talk. I'm not there for chit-chat. I'm not looking to have a general meeting. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry if that's the energy I've been giving off. I'm always happy to see you. No, it's great. I mean, I feel like we sort of booked this off of that. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. I think it was, I think it was like unspoken. Yeah, yeah. What's it like to have a hit on your hands? Oh, it feels great. Wait, who's that? Yeah.

Are the clappers clapping people watching English Teacher? Yeah? Have any of you seen me dancing to try to get you to watch English Teacher? Yeah, okay. That's a smaller crowd. I have to say, like, I had this... I realized I had this sort of...

Drinking problem. I did have this drinking problem. No, I had this reflected kind of pride or like it felt poignant because I remember watching you make

uh, the, the, uh, Caleb Gallo videos and thank you. And it was so exciting to see this show and then see all your friends. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In the show. And the, and what is satisfying for me and to FX's credit is that the voice wasn't like lost in the, in the, it actually got better. Like, it's like, Oh yeah, this sort of got upgraded to a full level show and it didn't, it wasn't like, Oh, they, they lost the sauce. You know, it was like it, it translated. Yeah.

Now, do you worry that there was a period of time in Los Angeles where everybody was telling you about their web series? And do you worry that you might cause that to happen again?

Well, what's funny is I never thought of Caleb as a... It's this show I put on YouTube years ago, and I never thought of it as a web series. I always... It was like me and my friends making this amateur thing, but I always called it a show because the word web series was so sort of... I found it... I was allergic to this word web series. And so then it is funny when people are like, hey, I'm interested in making a web series. How did you make your web series? And I'm like...

I didn't make a web series. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry. But yeah, yeah. I mean, hopefully it inspires people, though, in a real way, yeah. Did you talk to kids, actual high school kids, in working on the show? For English teacher? Yeah. Not really. Yeah.

No. No, I mean, you know, we have a lot of genuinely young people. I guess we only have a couple of real high schoolers. Most people are in their early 20s who are playing our students. But yeah, we learn from them and we let them improv a lot and we're finding the voice. And some of them are sort of TikTok finds. There's this guy who's really funny in the show, Ben Bondurant. He plays this character, Jeff, who always has these very funny one-liners and

Um, he was from Tik TOK and this girl, Aaliyah was from Tik TOK. And we like put her in the pilot when she was like, you know, had a big Tik TOK following, but then she exploded after we cast her in the pilot. Now she has all these pop songs and she's great. So that's cool. The youth is, you know, is present and their voice is present.

You're from Tennessee originally. Yeah, very rural Tennessee. We just went home to visit my parents in Tennessee, and Elliot here was shocked at how small the town I grew up in was. There's a Walmart. There's not even a Red Lobster in Olive Garden. Those things are in a city nearby. This is a small, small town. But I was born in New York City, so I sort of...

I got to the Sticks of Tennessee when I was four. So I kind of knew like, oh, this is the country, but I'm from the city and I'll go back to the city one day. And you knew that at that young age. And here you are in the city. I was like, I'm a gay city five-year-old. What kind of restaurant? If there wasn't a Red Lobster Olive Garden, what was there? My God, there's something called, there's something that's a take on the Sizzler, but it's not the Sizzler. It's called Western Sirloin. Oh, okay.

That sounds good. There's a Waffle House. Oh, that's nice. Which is great. That's great. Woo! Yeah. Yeah. I eat at Waffle House a lot. You can get a lot of protein at Waffle House. A big omelet. Right. Right. You don't need to get a waffle. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You can just get eggs. But sometimes you do end up getting a waffle. You'll get a waffle. You don't have to not get a waffle either. Exactly.

Someone's recommending the loaded hash. The audience feels like part of the show and they're not. But I'm sort of giving it to them because they've had a hard couple of weeks because of all that's been going on. Do you read comments about the show online or are you mentally well?

I have very positive comments sections for whatever reason. So I do. Yeah, I enjoy the comments. Yeah. Not all of them, but you know, I mean, I don't read all of them, but I, yeah, I browse them. Yeah. You do. You get in there. You get in there. Yeah. Sometimes I respond. Sometimes you respond. Well, with this thing I've been doing, I've been doing this TikTok dance trend and then saying stream English teacher, which was good for like, it was good because it created sort of a moment.

And so then when people say this worked on me, I just watched the show and now I love it. I'll say like good or something. Wow. That's good behavior. What a man of the people you are. Wow. That's good. That's good. Really relating to people getting in there. I respect that. I try to make them, the audience of this show feel like less like they're lucky. They're lucky to have me.

And if they want to reply, they can. But that's like, I mean, you don't expect God to respond. That's an amazing dynamic. In fact, you're crazy if God does. Wow. You know what I'm saying? That's a really powerful dynamic. I love English Teacher. Thank you. I think it's an amazing show. Thank you. And there was a specific moment in the finale that I thought was just such beautiful writing where...

The principal says he doesn't eat burgers, but he's going to eat this burger tonight because it's a special night. Why is it special? And it just is. And I thought that was, I thought it captured something. I am amazed that you got a show this specific, well-written, gay, on television. Do you think the lead character is gay? No, I'm just kidding. Is that what you took from it? I,

That is what I took from it. Thank you. That is what I took from it. It's beautiful. It's largely to... I mean, not to be corny, but FX uniquely is good at this. They have done this with other creators too, where they...

They get you through the system of making a television show and they preserve your voice and they enhance it and they bring you good people. And Paul Sims too, who also sort of guided... I don't know what their process was like, but I know that he and Donald Glover made Atlanta together, which was also an amazing show. And Paul Sims came to me years ago and he was like, let's make this show with FX.

and he's been a guide through this system. And you know, like I was saying earlier, it's just like, I'm like, I love this show. Like, it's not like I watch it. I'm like, ah, I got fucked up. Like, I'm like, I'm the biggest fan there is of this show. Cause I made a show once and that wasn't my experience. Right. Exactly. It's very often not. I just looked at it and I thought, is this the best I can do? Maybe. It's like, um, yeah, yeah. Kind of like Che Diaz on, um, what's it called? And then there's this. No, close.

What's next? And just like that. And just like that. Shea Diaz makes a TV pilot and feels that it gets ruined in the process. Yeah, no. I'm glad that that didn't happen. That's usually what people... And Shea Diaz is real to me for what it's worth. No, no. And real to all of us. More real. Okay. Now...

We like to play a game on this show. And it's, you know, especially in... It's obviously, you know, this show is... It's called Would You Fuck This School Supply. That's what the game's called. And we can do some kind of an intro for it, but we don't really need it. Oh, I'm mapped onto someone else's body. I thought that was my body. Maybe. It could be your body. It's not. I almost look like a velociraptor or something. Yeah.

Like the way my head is kind of like pulling back. Yeah. I'm breaking into that kitchen in Jurassic Park. Would you fuck a trapper keeper? No. It's soft. It's supple. It's elegant. It's the perfect place to stuff your crumpled up quizzes. Too painful. Okay. I'm imagining the rings. Yeah. But the trapper keeper rings were always the weakest of the rings.

It was of poor quality. They were not rings of power. They weren't. They weren't strong. They weren't strong. God, the siren song of the Trapper Keeper. Nobody needs it. But you wanted one. Applaud if you had one. Applaud if you wanted one but were not allowed one. Make it make sense, you know? I think I secretly always wanted Lisa Frank stuff and probably didn't have it because it was... I wanted what the Trapper Keeper

Which was safety, containment, a perfect place for everything. Yeah, yeah. Like what I wanted was a binder, but I wanted to be a different person. Right, right, right. Like I wanted the control and security and discipline of,

Of the Trapper Keeper lifestyle. Yeah, yeah. But I couldn't have it. I remember being in kindergarten and having one folder with one sheet of paper in my backpack. Yes. You know that feeling? You're like, you drew something and you just have it in your one folder in your little backpack. That's all you got going on at that age. When I was in fourth grade, we would get assigned weekly reader homework. Does anyone remember weekly reader homework?

weekly reader the weekly reader you'd have weekly reader and there'd be a quiz on the back you'd be assigned it i didn't care that wasn't the same as like pizza party readings right you know that stuff did you ever do that no you read a lot of books and then you get pizza right this was a big american moment yeah we didn't have that been a part of it no i would have loved it i want it for you but i would just um get the assignment and then just shove it in my desk

just in the back of my desk. And then my teacher, Mrs. Burfuss. Wait, what was the structure of this? You read a book and then you... You read like basically a child's magazine and then you have to do the homework that comes with it. Okay. But I didn't want to do it. But I didn't want to... Generally, it's fun?

Not for me. I think it's just homework. I think it's learning. It's regular homework for school. And then Mrs. Burfuss called my mom in for a meeting and my mother's like, well, another chance for a teacher to tell me how great Jonathan is. And she's like, this kid hasn't been doing homework for months. My mother burst into tears. Whatever, she had to learn.

Did you stay anti-homework for most of your schooling? Well, at a certain point in this time, they figured out that I was seeing double all the time. And so that might have been a part of it. Oh, wow. That's a big thing. Yeah. So I had to go to eye therapy to get to see not double. Because it turned out that I was just really good at magic eyes and I was making everything them.

You know, magic eyes? Right, yes. Those weren't hard to me. Because it was just like, you put them together, they go apart. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, so I had to go to a special place like 30 minutes away and do like eye exercises. But were your eyes... No, you wouldn't know by looking at me. Okay, wow.

I conversely was always going to get eye exams because I wanted glasses so bad. And I still to this day have perfect vision. I'm sorry, I do. Wow. Wow. I just don't need glasses. I went to a restaurant the other day and it was the first time I was with a contemporary person.

who took out a flashlight to look at the menu. Oh my God. This happened the other night. I was like, oh my God, this is it. It's starting. But we were at this place where it was like, it's literally actually pitch black dark in here. That's how you tell yourself. Is this okay? There's one candle? Sure. Yeah. That's how it starts. It's pitch black in here. And then you're just one step away from this. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know.

Yeah. Erasers. Erasers know you're going to make some mistakes and that's okay. You got to give me something I really want. Oh, oh, okay, okay. Go ahead, go ahead. Sorry. I'm an interrupter. I wouldn't kick them out of bed for leaving that weird crumbly gray eraser dust. What about you, Brian? I would not, no. You're a no. You're a no on erasers. Yeah. Well, I don't know that they get sexier from here. They must. Next up, pencils. Pencils.

Maybe a dull pencil. A dull pencil. Maybe. Yeah. I think... I mean, definitely not, really. Right. No, well, I think it's more like kind of... Well, no, sure. I think it's more like the kind of... The vibe. The vibe. It's like, does the vibe convey some kind of sexual energy that you respond to? We'll find one. We'll find one. We'll find one. Next up...

This is the closest so far. The bad boy of the school supply set. Safety scissors are perfect for all your scissoring needs. Yeah, basically it's a yes. Look at the shape. Yeah, I like safety scissors. Those weren't the kinds... This is like the body composition I'm trying to sort of... No, it is. Thin legs. These scissors have been skipping leg day for sure, but not us. Not us.

Yeah. Do you have any other thoughts? No, I'm totally open. Oh, that's fun.

No thoughts. You're going to get a season two of this show? What's going to happen? I cannot. You can't say? I cannot say. Because you know that I've said this publicly. My publicist is going to chase. No, we can. I just will say this. If there's no season two, we march on FX. And then we get there and they say, we're not in charge. You got to go to Hulu. Then we go to Santa Monica. And we're like, Hulu. And they're like, it's actually still not us. You got to go back to Disney. And now we're like, now we're going over the hill again.

And now we're at Disney. And now we're like, are you in charge of this? And we're like, kind of. And it's like, what's going on in this business? I'm feeling very grateful for the reception and very excited and happy and ready to make as much more as I can. They better. Those honchos up there. Mickey Mouse, who's ultimately in charge of all of this, and us. Isn't that funny? Mickey Mouse. Yeah. What is the difference between Mickey Mouse and Steamboat Willie? Does anybody know?

Are they the same person? Steamboat Willie just entered the public domain, right? Okay, good. But are Steamboat Willie and Mickey Mouse the same person? They are the same. It's an early iteration of Mickey Mouse, right? It's a bit like the ship of Theseus.

You know, in a sense, like is Steamboat Willie Mickey Mouse? Like how much does Steamboat Willie change before it becomes a new thing? Like they changed the nose. They changed the look. They changed the ears. They changed the name. It happened slowly. But now we're looking at Mickey Mouse. It's like that isn't Steamboat Willie. Right. And yet. Yeah. We're like, this is not the same man. But then the same thing can be said of people. Right. Because we change everything. All of our cells change over. And it's like, so we are just the kind of.

like our sort of getting the wrap up, the moral and ethical existence of us is really just our memories. Our memories are what make us culpable for our past, do you think? Do you think it's just our memories? The question really is, is there a soul? Well, I just think that like, if let's say you killed somebody,

You know, you killed somebody and then your mind is white. It really is. You're white. And you wake up the next day. You're just, you don't, you didn't, you're like, how could my, what? I don't remember it. I had nothing to do with it. It wasn't me. It was something I didn't, didn't happen. I mean, we probably would just still throw you in jail, but it's, it would make us feel weird. You know, have you thought about that? Not really. No. Do you think that's something that you could teach next year?

Yeah. Philosophy teacher. Philosophy. What did you major in in college? Acting. I'm just enjoying this silliness. When we come back, Reggie Watts is here. Everybody watch English Teacher. Watch English Teacher. Binge English Teacher on Hulu. And we're back. My next guest has a song in his heart and hopefully on this stage. Please put your hands together for Reggie Watts.

Hi. Thank you for being here. You have such a lovely energy. Oh, thank you. It's very soothing. Well, I feel soothed. Do you? Tonight I do. I think it's this space. It feels cozy when you walk in and you see a man entrenched in a book with a lamp and there's books behind him when you first enter. No one's reading during the show.

Oh, yes, he is indeed reading during the show. Well, there is that. But perhaps he's the one that's just like emanating this kind of comfort, you know,

undulating feels good back here I feel okay this is where I should be yeah because I was listening the whole time just behind you guys like sitting on the stairs so imagine if you erase the curtains you were just there I was just right there and I felt that too okay well there we go I think we're all responsible sucks now and that's why I'm glad you're here because I could use some cheering up oh yes of course because I don't know if you've been seeing what's been going on

But there's a new Star Wars trilogy coming out and it's made me very nervous. It's made me very nervous. Are you excited about a new Star Wars trilogy? You're ready for more? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I love. Yes. Interesting. I'm at the point now where I just can't be heard again.

I've just been hurt by Star Wars a few too many times cinematically. I feel as though I've been punched in the face a few too many times. I'm a Rogue One girl. I love Rogue One with all my heart. I think Rogue One is the greatest film they've made since the original Star Wars. That's my position. 100%. You agree with that? 100%. Are you kidding? And it's self-contained. That's what made it so great. I know. It's amazing. They had to fucking finish that shit.

Yeah, because of what happens. Because of what happens. No spoilers. Yeah, we can do spoilers, probably. We're going to do spoilers because we love it. But why am I saying we? This, I haven't been on the show until now. But maybe not again. No. Because of this. No, it's going so well. I say... Thank you. I say...

I always say, like, you know, if you want to know Star Wars, if you want to feel Star Wars, like for real, you just watch Empire Strikes Back, Rogue One, and Andor. Yeah. And that's kind of it for me. Yeah, yeah. I agree with that. It's like serious Star Wars. Yeah. Would you watch the original Star Wars, the first? Yes. Star Wars, then Empire. Yes. Then go right to Rogue One.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, in order, yes. And that's what I loved about it too. It was that moment just before Princess Leia gets captured. It butts up right... I just think that felt cool. I love that too. And also the...

It is so rare that a movie will... I think my problem with some of the Star Wars movies is they do fan service and they impute meaning into what didn't have meaning to create lore. And that's what makes it feel like fan fiction. But...

In Rogue One, they took something that was sort of like a, wait a second, there's a hole in the Death Star, and if you go poop poop, the whole thing goes up? That's dumb. And they actually made it part of the story. They gave it reason. They gave it a reason to exist. That it was actually built there on purpose. It wasn't just a silly accident. Yeah, it wasn't a fluke. And that was a very cool, yes, anyway. Yeah, agreed. 100%. And I'll just add very quickly, I think the thing is that

You feel like you're in that world. Yes. Like Empire with the blank, desolate, white, frosted landscape and these little dots on the horizon. And they're looking with these futuristic binoculars and it's kind of shaky. It was like the first time I saw it when I was a kid. And I was like, what the fuck? Oh, shit. That's like, but there's something out there. What the fuck is that? I don't know what that is. And then slowly you just find this reveal that there's these giant...

mechanized walking machines that are just lumbering and there's nothing they can do about it. But they're trying to like get ion cannons on board. You know, they're just like, it's all this shit and it's just impending. I'm like, what the fuck? That like created such an impact in my life. It was so cool. And then you find out that, oh man, these things, they thought everything except rope.

Is he vulnerable to the power of rope? Yeah, it's like, what's his weakness? It's like, well, yeah, the rope, but also, like, very tall. Very tall. Too tall for a rope. We got him with ropes. Yeah, we got him with ropes. Sometimes you're going to get him with ropes. I know, totally. Hey. Listen, sometimes on this show now, we're just going to talk about Star Wars for a while. Not going to go to jail. Not for that. Uh...

So as I said, we're struggling these past couple weeks, and we would hope you'd help us cheer us up with a segment we're calling Singing in the Pain. Oh. Well, all right. And here's how it works. I'm going to share something I'm genuinely worried about staring down the barrel of 2025, and you'll improvise a little tune about the many wonderful things coming down the pike next year to give us a little boost. Are you ready? Yes.

First up, I am genuinely worried about the Trump administration scapegoating and coming for trans people. I'm worried about the implications of it. I'm worried about just the basics of access to gender affirming care. I'm worried about people feeling emboldened to target trans people. And I'm worried about an encroaching...

narrative that perhaps we have to like moderate on some of these core values and that makes me really nervous gotcha everybody everybody now we got so many worries in our

We always trying to wonder how we going to survive So many assholes So many, many assholes that are so insecure They gonna pick on somebody that don't even account for a fraction of the people that they see in the world

That was cool. That was cool. That was cool.

That was awesome. How do you do that? How do you do that on your phone? That's wild. I got lucky. A guy made a great little app. Now, I'm obviously worried about a lot of other things. I'm worried about mass deportations. I'm worried about this guy, Tom Homan, who is going to be the border czar.

I'm worried about what RFK Jr. might do if he becomes Health and Human Services Secretary. But I'm wondering if there's anything that you're looking forward to that you could take us through, perhaps in the Star Wars universe, that might cheer us up. Got you. Yeah. Yeah. Let's take a listen. Let's take a look. We'll take a lean and a listen, see what we got. Star Wars.

Sorry, Star Horse. Star Horse. Is that how you pronounce it? Yeah, Star Horse. Star Horse. Star Horse. Star Horse. Star Horse. Yeah, it's like stars the stress. Star Horse. Star Horse. Yes, Star Horse. Star Horse. But, you know, whatever, people. Star Wars, whatever. Okay, here we go. Yeah, I cannot wait, wait for Star Wars to come. Been waiting for so long.

I couldn't stop feeling like I was living in a show made me feel like I was watching something that was created in the 1980s, 1990s style filmmaking. Can't fucking wait! Can't fucking wait!

That's right. Because sure, all these things, terrible things are going to happen, but Andor season two is also going to happen in 2025. No if ands. We're also going to have the second installment of the Mission Impossible movie. Finally. I mean, how are they going to get out of that? It seems impossible. It doesn't seem possible. That would just be great if he just dies like 30 minutes into the show.

And his team has to finish it. Do you ever see the movie Executive Decision starring...

Kurt Russell and Steven Seagal. I saw it way, way, way back. And basically it's colleagues that they have to get, I believe, what Air Force One or and they use a stealth bomber to attach to the bottom of the plane. In the first 15 minutes, Kurt Russell goes up into the new airplane and then there's some kind of problem. And Steven Seagal goes, I'm not going to make it. Closes the door, dies. 15 minutes of the movie. We're like, wow, anything is possible. Anything could happen. An executive decision. Nineteen ninety three.

Did anybody else see that movie when Steven Seagal died in the first 15 minutes? You never saw it? Now I need to. No, I think I did see it, but it was a long, long time ago. I don't have to see it now. Well, it was important. It was important for me because I didn't know they could do that. You can't do that normally. Yeah, you can't do it normally. No, but they did it, and it just changes everything. And now we've got, you know, there's just so much, you know.

What does your pin mean? It has a little flange. It's like an ES-5302. You can order these on gremlins.com. But this is a, it's basically just like a sprout. And I don't know why I was given it. But it was at a, oh, you know what? It was at a health conference of some sort. And so they gave out these little sprouts. It was kind of like a reminder of nature. And so I thought, that's kind of cool. I like it.

I do like it. People put it in their hair usually, though. Oh. Like little antennas or something. Like fellow teleglubbies. You have such an interesting energy. Yeah.

There's like such, it's such warmth. There's such warmth when you came backstage. So before the show, Reggie comes backstage. He's like, the lighting in here is bad. And he, and he turned off the overheads. And then, um, there's a vanity. That's like a vanity with mirrors. And he undid all the incandescent and fluorescent bulbs. Um,

or just the fluorescent ones to leave the incandescent ones, and then turned it on to make the room have more of a moodier lighting. And I just thought, wow, to live in such a... It reminded me that I never consider such things. I just kind of careen through existence, not thinking about the effect the lights are having on me or even considering how the feeling is. But you think about the feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I like it. I like the immersion of...

reality you know so it's like i like if you go somewhere you're like if you could adjust it a little bit to just make it feel a little bit groovier then why not right and if you do that a little bit all the time your life's a little bit groovier all the time and i'm just in white bright fucking fluorescent lights all the time yeah but yeah but yeah but you get shit done in ways that i i wouldn't be able to do

You think so? I think so. I think so. I think because I know I have friends that are exactly like how you described yourself. Like they do that. You know, I'm the one like I'm chasing after, you know, or like trying to get ahead and going, hey, I have a this, you know, and then they're like, whatever. But and that's fine. But and I get it. But they're usually people that kind of get shit done because they're a little bit more focused on what needs to be accomplished.

Do you feel a connection between your mind and your body? Yeah. Sure. I sure do. Wow. What's that like? Yeah. Yeah. It's cool. I mean, it's cool. You know, it's like... Because my therapist says I don't have it. Really? She's like, oh, no, no, you have anxiety. You just don't know. Isn't that interesting? I haven't seen her in months.

She texted me after the election to check in. Really? Didn't respond. Oh, wow. I will. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I guess, you know, it's fun. It's fun. It's fun to do it. You don't need to. I mean, obviously, have you tried ketamine? No. Okay. Ketamine is very much just...

Basically, the more that you take, the more of just a piece of pure consciousness you become. So it's just you're just perceiving. You forget the sensation of your body at all and even the sensation of breathing. And you might even notice it. It might seem scary at first, like being able to breathe underwater. Interesting. Do you worry that if you take too much, you might start a super PAC in Pennsylvania? Yeah, but it would be like a super PAC. It would be like people just roaming around the streets going –

Oh, that's just a super pack. Just a super pack of guys. We are the best pack. The pack go round. We're so good. They call us super duper. It's like, that's not what I meant.

Sorry. These are nice, by the way. Oh, thank you. I absolutely love these. Thank you very much. Yeah. A little dirty. Yeah, but you know, I have some shoes that have that kind of foam. It looks like styrofoam. Yeah. Whatever is that called? Sole thing. And it just gets dirty. There you go. Maybe I'll try ketamine. Reggie Watts, thank you so much for being here. Stick around. Thank you.

We'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way. This podcast is supported by Planned Parenthood Federation of America. Planned Parenthood Federation of America exists so all people can get access to the sexual and reproductive care and education they need. Planned Parenthood organizations advocate for health equity and policies that allow people the freedom to control their own bodies, lives, and futures. More than 2 million patients each year rely on Planned Parenthood Health Center services,

like STI testing and treatment, birth control, gender-affirming care, abortion, cancer screenings, and more. Reproductive healthcare and rights are under attack from public officials who are out of step with the will of the vast majority of Americans. The constitutional right to abortion has been stolen, and politicians in 47 states

have introduced bills that would block people from getting the sexual and reproductive care they need. Planned Parenthood knows that equitable access to healthcare, including safe legal abortion, is a human right. Right now, Planned Parenthood needs your help to protect access to healthcare. Donate today by visiting plannedparenthood.org slash protect.

Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Sling TV. Seems like things change every 20 minutes. It's hard to keep up. That's why you should watch Sling. They provide the best value for essential news channels. With Sling, you get your favorite news channels at the best price. CNN, MSNBC, even Fox News, if that's your jam. Anderson Cooper 360 and Hannity, your two favorite shows. Also, The Rachel Maddow Show and more for just $40 a month. So yeah, with the election coverage and everything else happening, you can get news that'll raise your blood pressure at prices.

that won't get the best price on news about what's going on in the world. Then say that's what's going on in the world. And it's not just news. Check this out. Sling has live sports news and entertainment channels you love and less of the ones you don't. So you save hundreds of dollars. Sling lets you choose and customize your channel lineup so you can choose the channels you actually like. Sling's cloud DVR lets you record your shows to watch on your schedule. There's no complex technology, no long-term contracts and no hidden rigmarole.

Sling is great. You can record most of the live TV channels with the DVR. You can watch on all of your devices, even at the same time. You have access to some of your favorite local channels. So it's a great way to make sure you're getting the channels you need to get and not the hundreds of channels of crap that you don't need. Get rewarded for watching your favorite news channels. Sling lets you do that. Visit sling.com slash now to learn more and get started. That's sling.com slash now, sling.com slash now.

Love It or Leave It is brought to you by the International Rescue Committee. For more than 90 years, when crises strike from war and violence to flood and famine, the International Rescue Committee has been there, helping displaced families survive, recover, and rebuild. The IRC responds within 72 hours of an emergency and stays as long as needed, providing humanitarian aid to millions of families right now in crisis-stricken places like Gaza, Lebanon, and Syria.

Afghanistan and Ukraine, severe winter weather is putting displaced families at even greater risk. Many makeshift camps can't withstand the extreme cold. Some people live without reliable electricity while others can't afford the fuel to heat their homes. Pregnant women, children, the elderly, and people with disabilities are especially vulnerable. Your tax-deductible donations can help the IRC provide critical resources, emergency food, clean water, shelter, fuel, medicines, blankets,

And we're back. One note.

If you're wondering what comes next after this election, there are two brand new episodes of Assembly Required with Stacey Abrams. She sits down with historian Heather Cox Richardson to explore how history can guide us. They cover fighting misinformation. They cover how to get involved post-election. Everybody check out Assembly Required, especially right now. It's very kind of

reassuring guide for what could come next. And Dan is walking through all of what we learned about the polls on Polar Coaster. If you become a Friend of the Pond subscriber on crooked.com slash friends. Okay, please welcome back to the stage, Brian Jordan Alvarez. Oh, he's up there.

I was in the crowd. All right. People magazine named John Krasinski this year's sexiest man alive. In honor of them not giving a fuck, we're each going to spin the wheel to share a questionable act that we'll never apologize for or something we do in our daily lives that we won't apologize for, something that we're just not apologizing for. All right? And no one's going to make us feel regretful about it. Okay. And it can be whatever you want of any scale, you know? Okay.

I don't think you should confess to a crime. Do we just go for it? We're going to spin a wheel. Oh, there's a wheel? What does the wheel do? It really just gives us an order. That's a real wheel, too. Yeah, no, it's real. We look great. Whoa. Reggie, it's landed on you. Okay. What's something you're going to say, no regrets, no apologies, in this new era? I do not. Yes, you're right. This is a new era. 2026. 2026.

I'm not going to apologize for being alive. Okay? Because I'm not going to do it. That's the OG thing to do. I know it is the OG thing to do and I'm tired of it. My whole family did it and it's like, I don't, yeah, so I want to be that. I don't want to be, I don't want to do that anymore. Have you been doing that?

I meant that being alive is the original thing to do. Oh, yeah, it is the original thing to do. It is the original. Super OG. Yes, 100%. It's step... At least step one. Yeah, I think...

Yeah. Yes. Have I? Yes. Maybe, you know, like when you're like, I'm in the way. Nobody wants to be around me. You know, like where you feel like really small. Yeah. You don't want to take up space. Yeah. You don't take up space and you feel like I'm ruining everything or whatever it is like that kind of that makes me feel like, oh, what if I wasn't alive? You know, and you have those like those those thoughts. I don't know. I've had those thoughts where I'm like, like Huckleberry Finn.

Didn't he fake his death? And he saw his own funeral. And he went, surprise! It's me! You'll see me again! That's so funny, Huck. So funny. So funny.

So funny. That's cool. Come on down. I don't think, well, it's like, you know, it's like there's just those moments where I'm like, what if I didn't exist? And it's kind of like a romantic, kind of like an indulgent romantic feeling, but it is still in that ballpark. I think it'd be terrible if you didn't exist. Yeah. I think it'd be terrible if any of us didn't exist. It's a lot to think about. LAUGHTER

Fuck. Whoa. That wasn't passive aggressive. That was just pressing the button. Well, I don't think I should share my deep thought now. It's landed on Brian. Okay, okay, okay. I will not apologize for realizing that so many cleaning and moisturizing products are the same.

And therefore, I will continue to not apologize for washing my body with shampoo anytime I feel like it. And every day of my life, putting body lotion in my hair, which is how I style my hair. With Vaseline Intensive Care Body Lotion, a very particular brand. And people sometimes say, what's your hair routine? And I put body lotion in it. I mean, it's wet right now. I just came from...

You use just moisturizer on your hair. Yeah, yeah. Very specifically Vaseline intensive care body lotion. And you said that the reason you want to apologize is because these things are like other things. What is the thing that you would be using if you weren't using that that would be meant for hair? Pomade. Pomade. Hair clay. Hair.

hair clay hair gel yeah or washing your body with body wash i'm like this is come on shampoo is this is so similar i mean if i have body wash that's fine but then you wouldn't use body wash on your hair i have well we all have yeah we all have i don't yeah that that is yeah more along the drying spectrum because sometimes that's like 50 50 sometimes it's like no big deal and then sometimes it's like you look fucked up that day yeah yeah for sure for sure

Yeah. That's cool. Did you see that there was this guy that he ostensibly died in a kayaking accident?

and they searched for his body for months. And then a TikTok influencer posted that she was standing on the street saying, would you like advice? And this strange man that looks like this man who disappeared said, I need advice. Should I leave my family and run off to Uzbekistan to marry this beautiful woman? And she's like, but not... And the person that gives advice is like, well, I think you need to figure out your marriage before you just do that. And he's like, maybe.

And then his kayak showed up. But then it turned out a day later, he went through Canada. And now they think he's somewhere in Europe, i.e., or I guess that's Asia. He's far away. I don't know if he went to Uzbekistan. But they think he ran, that he faked his own death, faked his own death to get away from his family. Have you ever thought about doing that?

No. I haven't. But I don't know if that really classifies as faking your own death. It sounds more like he just went away. Well, no. He left his wallet. It's like he left the kayak in the river, swam to the shore, and then got out. He had a whole plan and had moved money around beforehand. But then he's in a Man on the Street-style TikTok? I think...

I'm not, I just... He's like suddenly on Billy on the Street? I don't think, I don't think he was like functioning at 100% in this period of time. He's tired. By this point, he's tired. Remember when that governor, yeah, he was tired. Remember when that governor ran off to South America because he'd fallen in love? Yeah.

Yeah, Mark Sanford. And then he held a press conference. And in the press conference, the reporters were like, and I think his wife was standing there. And the reporter was like, well, are you done? Are you going to end this and just come back? And are you ready to apologize? He's like, I'm not sorry. And I'm in love with this woman. And love is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. Yeah, he blew up his whole life. See, but that could also be the positive plot of a romance movie. Absolutely. Absolutely. Like in the movie in Tootsie, how Terry Gard just gets totally fucked.

You know, and treated like shit, but she's not the hero, so whatever. I don't remember the plot of Tootsie well enough. Oh, he dresses up like a lady. That I know. That I know. That's really all you need to know. I just remember them being like, what is it? Zoom out. How far? Ohio. What is it? Yeah, that's it. Something like that. I don't remember either. Let's spin it again.

It has landed on me. Oh, shit. And you know what? I'm going to just assert this now because I don't know what the future holds. I'm not apologizing for liking Diet Coke. I'm going to keep drinking Diet Coke. I don't know what's in it. I'll never know. I'm sure it's doing terrible things to me over time. Let those things happen.

And if RFK Jr. starts getting in there, all right, project number one, most important, don't touch the vaccines. And that's the focus. Nothing else really matters. If he starts fucking with aspartame, and I got to start dealing with fucking stevia and all the other also rants in the alternate sugar game, no. I say no. It's one thing to take away the MMR vaccines, all right?

but I already got those. I need an unlimited continuous supply of Diet Coke.

What do you think of Coke Zero? I think it's great in a pinch. I think it's great in a pinch, but it's not... You much prefer Diet Coke. Diet Coke! Yeah, I'm a Zero. I think Zero tastes... Well, Zero tastes shockingly similar to regular Coke. That's what I love about it. Diet Coke is a whole different drink. Yeah, Diet Coke is... Almost unrelated. It's weird. If you haven't had Diet Coke for a while and you come back to it, it's like, I don't know what is happening. I don't know who you are.

Yeah, you got to get your... So true. You got to get your body used to that chemical. You got to get... You got it. You're right. This is, again, I don't even want to say these things. I'm afraid they'll get on RFK Jr.'s radar. But as you all know, I do eat cookie dough by the bag from the supermarket. It's part of my life. Yum. And...

I did have people over for dinner the other night, and we had a lovely dinner, and they said, should we walk and go get ice cream together? And I said, or. Crazy pitch. Do you want cookie dough from my fridge? And everybody's nice because you just gave them dinner, so what, they could say, no, they can't. And I said, no, no, no, let's just eat raw cookie dough. And they're like, I guess we'll try it. And they took a bite, and they're like, this tastes like chemicals. And I'm like, no, it doesn't. Doesn't. Doesn't.

You never get worried about the raw egg in there. Aren't there big warnings? Such an important point. They've solved it. Capitalism is good. Oh, no raw egg in the new cookie dough. They solved it. The Toll House raw egg can't eat it. Oh, because they sell cookie dough now for eating. Is that what you're eating? They do, which is how we... Yeah, it's eaten dough, which is how we won the Cold War. A top-down planned economy won't get you there.

It won't get you there. You need entrepreneurial minds with the profit motive. With the profit motive. And the profit motive is where I leave us tonight. One more time for Reggie Watts, Brian Jordan Alvarez. Very fun. Thank you, guys. And we're back. Now it's time for Joyride. We just need one silly, distracting, fun thing.

that gave you a little bit of joy this week. What do you got? I'm coming to you. So one of my coworkers was out of town for a couple weeks getting married on honeymoon. We all got bored and decided to gift wrap everything on his desk and around his desk, bubble wrapped his chair and all that. And he came back Tuesday and had to unwrap it all. Wow. I'm happy that in this dark time, a bit of needless waste and it brought you that tiny piece of joy. It was, it was. And I'm glad you had that. All right, that is our show. Thank you.

Thank you to Reggie Watts. Thank you to Brian Jordan Alvarez. Thank you to the lyrics. Have a great night. See you next week, everybody.

Thank you.

And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can. ♪♪♪

It's love it or leave it.

Building a business may feel like a big jump, but OnDeck small business loans can help keep you afloat. With lines of credit up to $100,000 and term loans up to $250,000, OnDeck lets you choose the loan that's right for your business. As a top-rated online small business lender, OnDeck's team of loan advisors can help you find the right business loan to fit your needs. Visit OnDeck.com for more information.

Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval. Sometimes words seem so unnecessary.

Introducing Unspoken, the new diamond fashion collection you'll only find at Jared Jewelers and just in time for the holidays. Discover the brilliance of natural diamond pendants, rings, earrings, and bracelets in a range of carat weights, expertly interwoven in white or yellow 14-carat gold. It's the perfect holiday gift where your love speaks for itself. Unspoken, the dazzling new collection exclusively at Jared.