Commander Biden's Secret Menu
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including new orally dissolving semaglutide and terzepatide tablets for all the weight loss with none of the needles. Learn more about Whole Health Rx, including full safety information about increased risk for thyroid C-cell tumors at www.vitaminshop.com slash GLP-1. What's up, Los Angeles? Lovely to see you all. Welcome to Love It or Leave It.

Somebody's been watering the fake plants in the cricket office this week, and that's exactly the can-do attitude you can expect from the Democratic Party, if you ask me. Just be grateful. We've got a great show for you tonight. Pod Save the UK's Nish Kumar is here, and he explains how the hell we're supposed to stay calm and carry on at a time like this. The very funny Brad Williams is here to remind us that life isn't the only thing that's short. Ashley Nicole Black finds herself caught in my web, my madame web.

And we close out the show with a round of all the things we hate to love. But first, let's get into it. What a week. Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny died on Friday at the Arctic penal colony where he was serving a sentence of more than 30 years. Tell me about it. He never let me finish my sentences either, said Putin's ex-wife. That was a little insensitive. And now a quick word from our sponsors. This episode of Love It or Leave It is brought to you by the new true crime podcast, Who Killed Alexei Navalny? Who Killed Alexei Navalny?

Russian officials claim he died of sudden death syndrome. But what if that story is just that, a story? Navalny, it turns out, had enemies in pretty high places. In this one-part, 15-second docuseries, we investigate the mysterious death of Vladimir Putin's biggest political rival as we try to answer the question, could Navalny have been killed by the dictator who also poisoned him and then locked him away in a remote prison camp on manufactured charges?

Listen to Who Killed Alexei Navalny wherever you get your podcasts. I don't know. Police in Russia have detained hundreds who are paying tribute to Navalny at ad hoc memorials. I hope they don't catch this sudden death syndrome that's been going around. Navalny's wife on Monday vowed to continue her husband's crusade against Putin because behind every great man is a great woman and behind her is a guy with a syringe. Yeah, I'm taking the note. Uh,

Western leaders quickly condemned Putin, with President Biden saying on Friday, make no mistake, Putin is responsible for Navalny's death. Biden wasn't born yesterday, after all. Sure, it'd be cool if it had been a little bit closer to yesterday.

Meanwhile, Trump avoided commenting on Navalny's death for days, finally servicing to compare the dissident's brutal persecution to his own legal troubles in a town hall with Fox News personality and person who cuts you in line at the Upper East Side Citarella and then says, sorry, I'm just in a rush for arguing with the cashier when you were going to buy literally one thing. Laura Ingraham.

People around the world are expressing outrage over the death of Alexei Navalny, of course, in a horrific Russian prison. You posted on Truth Social about it. You said that his death made you more aware of the political circumstances here at home. It's happening here. We all have that friend who thinks the way you show empathy is by saying, oh, that's exactly like what happened to me, you know? You say, like, I've been feeling more and more like I chose the wrong career. And they say, oh, me too. I love my job, but it's been such a frustrating week. And it's like, no, bitch, listen.

You don't have to fucking me too every part of the conversation. Sometimes I'm just having an experience. But if Trump's comparison was too subtle, he went further. Now in this New York civil fraud case, this judge Arthur Engeron ruled against you for almost half a billion dollars plus interest that runs every day. When I first read it, it's like $87,000 a day.

How would you put up that kind of money? Because you have a bond to put up. Even if you appeal, you've got to put up escrow money. That's a lot of dough. It is a form of Navalny.

God damn it. It's no wonder Trump is feeling vexed. New York Attorney General Letitia James, Tish from Brooklyn, said on Tuesday that if Trump doesn't have the funds to pay his penalties, she's prepared to seize his buildings. Trump Tower, affordable housing, baby. Lobby's a public library, gender-affirming care in the office he rented to that guy who does his weave. Let's fucking go. I ate in that basement restaurant once. Before. Yuck. Terrible layout, too.

Trump also took a moment to further humiliate America's most humiliated man who happened to be in the audience. - Tim Scott, he has been much better for me than he was for himself. I watched his campaign. - Oh, Tim Scott waved back with his arm around an invisible woman.

Tim Scott was then asked about this moment on Thursday. Senator Trump has said that you've, that you campaign better for him than you do for yourself. Do you agree with that? Well, I think that the whole concept of James 410, which I struggled with on the campaign trail, my campaign, we've had lots of conversations publicly and privately about the importance of how do you exalt yourself and promote yourself while remaining humble. I've struggled with that on the campaign trail. Now having a conversation about the future of America and the president,

Wow. Just truly like new levels of cringe being unlocked daily by this guy.

If Tim Scott's presidential campaign was the original cringe game, Tim Scott's VP campaign is the cringe DLC that finally perfects the promising but ultimately flawed cringe mechanics from the first launch. That was for no one. And look, I know these people are full of shit, and I know it's not the point, but the idea that you are going to say that because of what the Bible taught you about humility, you are better able to campaign for Donald Trump...

I am a gay-ass Jewish person who only goes to church for weddings and to use the bathroom in New York City and drink the delicious water they leave out. And I find this galling. Oh, you learned from the Bible that it's important to be humble. And that helped you relieve any internal contradictions you had about trying to make Donald Trump the most powerful person in the fucking world. Who buys this? James 410.

I went and looked it up. I don't know James 410, neither do any of you people. Guess we can't ask any follow-up questions because none of us know James 410 either. That's the beauty of the Bible verse on the campaign trail. They can't look it up fast enough. Anyway, Trump took his humble operation to sneaker con in Philadelphia to introduce his new shoe line. Yeah, that's right. The shift has been gradual, but experts project that by 2030, Donald Trump and Kanye West will be the same guy.

If you score a pair, just be careful not to get any liberal tears on them because you can't get them wet. Trump's shoes, called Never Surrender High Tops, are gold, feature his T logo, an American flag, and cost $399. I think we have a photo. And I'm going to say this. They're fucking cool. I love them. Shut up. They're good. I like those shoes. Elizabeth Warren sold them. They'd be on my feet right now.

Trump is also selling a new fragrance called Victory, which the site describes as the signature scent of strength and success designed for the decisive and the bold. And it sprays from the anal glands as a defense mechanism whenever a district attorney is nearby. Meanwhile, Trump's second term agenda has been taking shape, and the shape is that of a forceps held by the worst kid in your college Roman history class.

The Center for Renewing America, a think tank with close ties to Trump, has drawn up its list of top priorities for a second term, which includes the bullet point Christian nationalism. What would that mean in practice? Well, if these goons have their way, it could mean overturning gay marriage, reducing access to contraceptives, ending sex education in schools, banning surrogacy, ending no-fault divorce, and making the screaming albino monk from the Da Vinci Code Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Hey, real quick, are there any lawyers here?

Judicial opinions usually end with amen.

The decision was the result of a wrongful death case put forward by couples whose frozen embryos were accidentally destroyed. Here's what happened. This is real. In 2020, a hospital patient wandered into the fertility clinic. The patient then removed some embryos from a cryogenic nursery. Since the containers with the embryos were painfully cold, the patient dropped the embryos on the floor, which destroyed them. In a sane world, the court wouldn't have ruled that destroying a frozen embryo is the same as killing a person. The court would have ruled that hospitals must have adequate defenses against

against Mr. Bean.

The ruling could have major implications for fertility treatments like IVF, which entail creating and freezing multiple embryos to give a patient the best chance of becoming pregnant. And indeed, the University of Alabama at Birmingham Health System announced Wednesday that it was pausing IVF treatments. Said the health system, we are saddened that this will impact our patient's attempt to have a baby through IVF, but we must evaluate the potential that our patients and our physicians could be prosecuted criminally or face punitive damages for following the standard of care for IVF treatments.

Two more clinics in the state dropped offering IVF treatments the next day with more likely to follow. There could soon be no IVF at all available in a state of 5 million people. Look, it's very simple. Every woman should be a mother unless she actively wants to be one, then she should go fuck herself. Motherhood should be an unwelcome accident that ruins your life, like a car crash or texting the person you were trying to talk shit about.

The Republican position is clear. No babies for people who want them and lots of babies for people who do not. Said one official, with any luck in 18 years, no child in this country will be loved. Republicans will now be forced to answer for yet another devastating and deeply unpopular consequence of the Supreme Court's Dobbs decision. They really goofed up the order on this one. You got to install a dictator and cancel the elections, then take away all the rights. It's the wrong order, you fucking dummies. Yeah.

Among the one in six Americans who have struggled with fertility issues, former Vice President Mike Pence, whose family turned to IVF and who told Politico last year that he fully supports the practice. If you create an embryo by fucking, then it's a human life. If you create an embryo by looking at pictures of Doris Day until the heavenly release while your wife waits in the clinic lobby, it's just cells.

Tim Scott, in the same press availability where he talked about humility making it easy to support Trump, was also asked about this ruling. The Alabama Supreme Court ruled that embryos are children. That's raised questions over whether in vitro fertilization can move forward. Is that a stance that you agree with? Well, I haven't studied the issue, so I'm going to let Nikki Haley continue to go back and forth on that issue. I'm sorry. First of all, just a swing at Nikki Haley.

Anyway, I've never had sex. LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, Trump's last Republican challenger standing, Nikki Haley, held a campaign event in South Carolina where she vowed to fight on regardless of the results of the primary in her home state. South Carolina will vote on Saturday, but on Sunday, I'll still be running for president. I'm not going anywhere. I'm campaigning every day until the last person votes. I'm not going anywhere. Not to the White House. Not anywhere. Not anywhere.

Haley went on to say this. Many of the same politicians who now publicly embrace Trump privately dread him. They know what a disaster he's been and will continue to be for our party. I feel no need to kiss the ring. Good, because I'm a little busy here, said Tim Scott, fully deep-throating that beautiful ring.

In response to her comments, a Trump spokesperson said, she's going to drop down to kiss ass when she quits like she always does. Many took issue with her needing to drop down to kiss ass European style instead of picking the ass up and kissing it while standing American style. Nikki Haley isn't using the continental grip.

And by the way, in life, if you think someone is ultimately going to do what you want them to do, don't dare them not to do it. You always come crawling back is not the hero's line. Just six months ago, you were kissing the ring. You raised your hand when you said you'd vote for him if he'd been convicted. That was a ring kiss. I feel like kicking it off when Navalny said it's in the wrong direction. You tried doing this every week. It's not all fucking hand jobs at Beetlejuice. Wish you were.

Meanwhile, as the general election comes into stark relief, CNN reported on Tuesday that President Biden had given his staff new marching orders in his reelection bid. We are told that the thrust of the president's direction was to significantly ramp up the campaign's efforts to highlight the crazy shit that Trump says in public. First of all, there was a time, feels like weeks ago, where you couldn't just say shit on CNN.

This also cuts two ways. People hearing Trump say crazy shit in public is how we got President Trump, but it's also how we got rid of President Trump. It's a pickle. One source within the Biden campaign said the president himself even went as far to rise up from his seat, walk up to the strategy whiteboard, and erase the entire section labeled more dog attacks.

Yes, that's right. According to internal Secret Service documents, Commander Biden bit Secret Service personnel in at least 24 separate incidents at the White House and elsewhere, far more than previously reported. Biden, fine, you're not too old. Just call off your dogs. If you don't want Commander to bite, then why make agents meat flavored? Asked President Biden. 24 times. That's too many times.

That's more times than we've joked about Commander biting people. And we do that all the time. I only get to bite people six times before Tommy bunks me on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Wrote one agent in an email last June, the recent dog bites have challenged us to adjust our operational tactics when Commander is present. Please give lots of room. The email also warned that agents must be creative to ensure our own personal safety.

Now is my time to shine, said the one Secret Service agent who went to Brown. Other creative tactics included yelling fetch at Commander, then throwing the nuclear football down the hallway. One of the more severe incidents outlined in the report took place on July 29th, 2023. Commander was off-leash in Rehoboth Beach, California.

And bit a special agent on the left forearm, causing a severe deep open wound. The attack caused the agent to lose a significant amount of blood. You're on the ground. You're bleeding out. You're starting to lose consciousness. You're wondering if you have enough strength to call your wife and say goodbye. And all of a sudden, the president of the United States is standing over you saying, he's never like this.

But something's working for our boy Joe, because President Biden held a slight lead over Trump in a new Quinnipiac poll this week, 49% to Trump's 45%. In response to the news, a frantic President Biden was seen darting around the White House asking aides, why, what, what was the last thing I did? Was it confusing the names of world leaders? I can do that. The president of Canada's name, Barney Butterscotch, checked the polls again. Did that do anything? We also would have accepted Frankie Poutine. Frankie Poutine.

Respondents did say Trump seemed more physically fit than Biden, which may not make a difference in the presidential debates, but the presidential ninja wario games are just around the corner. Also this week, the president announced the cancellation of an additional $1.2 billion in student loan debt for about 153,000 borrowers. Awesome, I can finally quit this job and pursue my dream of not getting bitten by dogs every day, said that Secret Service agent who went to Brown.

Biden is now canceled. A total of $138 billion in student debt from nearly 3.9 million borrowers through executive actions, despite the Supreme Court's ruling that stopped the larger program he hoped to implement. On Wednesday, borrowers received an email from the president informing them, if you qualify, you'll be hearing from me shortly. Behind one door, President Biden holding a check. Behind the other door, President Biden holding the leash of a dog he cannot control.

Apple has formally warned against immersing your wet iPhone in a bowl of uncooked rice, saying that the practice could allow small particles of rice to damage your iPhone. While I, John Lovett, would like to remind you, you can still eat the rice afterwards. No one can see you in your house. No one knows what you're doing when you're alone. LAUGHTER

In other news, Air Canada's website apparently featured an AI-powered chatbot. After the chatbot made up a fake rebate offer that tricked a customer into buying a plane ticket, the company tried to argue that the chatbot was responsible for its own actions. Well, this week, a Canadian court said that it is not the case and Air Canada owes that customer money. Hey, we're not responsible for what our machines do doesn't exactly give you confidence in Air Canada. LAUGHTER

Of course, this ruling will only apply in Canada. It remains to be seen whether companies in the U.S. will be allowed to use what is literally the same defense as ventriloquists use when their dummies do insulting crowd work. In other plane news, Boeing has ousted the head of the company's 737 MAX program in the wake of a door panel blowing off a 737 MAX 9 mid-flight last month. The executive landed on a roof outside Cleveland. That's, of course, ridiculous. He had a golden parachute.

A private space mission landed on the surface of the moon Thursday carrying 125 steel sculptures of the moon itself made by artist Jeff Koons. That's right, our greatest artist has crafted some tiny moon sculptures because they're going to the moon. Koons is making an interesting statement with this work, and that statement is moon.

All right, listen. We let you put those fucking balloon dogs in the Bellagio lobby. That tracks to me. You don't get to represent us on other planets. No, it's not a planet. Also this week, scientists discovered that what was thought to be a 280 million year old dinosaur fossil is largely a forgery shaded to look like an ancient bone. But why tell us this is my question. Let us live in our life of delusion. We don't need to know that some dinosaur skeleton is just a chicken bone with a smoky eye. Let us live in happiness.

Researchers had assumed that the fossil discovered in Italy in 1931 had a dark color from genetic material, only to realize the few bones present had been made to look old with black paint and carved rock. Oh no, Giuseppe, our fake bones! They've found us! Kiss me, Giuseppe. It's the last accent you're allowed to do.

And finally, a Colorado man died after being bitten by his pet Gila monster. Responded President Biden, I'd like to make an offer on this Gila monster. I'll call him Commander Monster. When we come back, what's all this then? It's Nish Kumar. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis,

and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha!

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month. Obviously,

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

Hi, I'm Stacey Abrams, host of the brand new Crooked podcast, Assembly Required with Stacey Abrams. Each week, we'll work together to better understand one of those big issues that seems insurmountable. Whether it's the Electoral College, America's loneliness epidemic, or the future of Hollywood post-strikes, I'll challenge you to dig in and ask, how did we get here? What obstacles lie ahead? And what can we do to get good done? Are you in?

And we're back! Please welcome to the stage, we're chuffed to have him. He just flew from across the pond and, boys, his toe-to-the-hole tired. It's the hilarious host of Cricket Zone 5 today in the UK, it's Nish Kumar. Woo!

Hi, Nish. Good to see you. Good to see you. Get in here. Lovely to be back. I sat down on a sofa and there was more give under my ass than I'd been expecting. Apologies, ass America. Hey. Yeah. Maybe too late. The queen left this here when she was on. How dare you speak ill of the dead queen, John? I just spoke of her.

Do you want me to try the hat on? Yeah. Yeah, all right. I'll pop it on. Oh, it's quite, it's more structured than I'd anticipated. Now, now I understand that there was some sort of incident involving your passport and we almost had to get your close personal friend, Mr. Bean, to fill in for you. There was an incident with my, I am actually going to have to take this off because I have such a huge head that the hat will not sit on top of it. I'll put it here like I'm hiding an erection. What a problem. For the benefit of the listeners, it's over my dick. Okay.

Yeah. They feel, where do you, where else would you keep it? I, um, I arrived here and I was, um,

I was always very stressed by US immigration. I was very tense about the whole thing. Anyway, I passed through without any problem. My visa checked out, which thank you for writing a cover letter for. Oh, I did. Yeah, I did. And it was probably the easiest visa cover letter of all time. My parents were like, are you worried about getting it? And I was like...

The first one is from a guy who used to work in the White House. I think I'm going to be fine. But I was stressed about it. I got through it. And then that can only explain that I was like over relaxed. And I left my passport in a New York City taxi. Oh, my God.

And it was an absolute, like, disaster. And, like, that for me is like a night, like I was spiraling. Like, at one point, I was just alone in the place I was staying. And I just out loud said, what is the point of you? Like, which is a huge overreaction. Or a question we all grapple with every day of our lives.

But then a miracle occurred. The taxi driver came back and waited for me all morning. And it was so incredible. And I was so thankful. And I said, why did you do it? And he said, look, at the end of the day, his parents were from India. And he's like, you're Indian, I'm Indian. And so I just felt like I couldn't leave you stuck like this. And I will say to white people, I get it. When racism benefits you, it feels genuinely incredible. LAUGHTER

Because from the look on that guy's face, if it had been your passport, love it, he would have frisbeed it into a New York City sewer and it would have taken the eye off a Ninja Turtle. Like it's... Yeah, probably because I would have said something on the way, something like, faster, please. I'm very important. I'm used to being in motorcades. Yeah.

Yeah, so I'm very grateful to a New York City taxi driver who, yeah, it was very kind of him. And I did give him some money. And then I talked about this on stage at a New York comedy club.

And a woman said, how much did you give? And I didn't think... And I answered honestly, I gave him $1,000. What? Because I was so stressed about it. And the problem is that created quite a strange atmosphere in the room because they didn't really understand how I could afford that because as far as they were concerned, I was an open mic comedian. So then I find myself in this situation where I'm saying, no, in England, I'm very famous. At which point a woman sat in the front row says, I'm from England and I've never heard of you. So...

I'm more on the logistics. Do you carry traveler's checks? $1,000 in U.S. $100 bills? What are you? Are you here to buy one of Pablo Escobar's hippos?

I withdrew the money from the ATM. It felt like a nice round figure. Yeah. I'm sure that's what he said when he got home. He said, honey, you'll never believe it. This guy gave me $500. Jason Manzoukas from Parks and Recreation. Gave me $200. Gave me $200. And I'll tell you this, he looks worse in real life.

All right. Let's talk. Let's talk politics. Yes. On Tuesday, the U.S. vetoed a U.N. resolution widely supported calling for a ceasefire in Gaza. The vote was 13 to 1 on the 15 member Security Council. That 15th vote, the U.K., which heroically abstained. Say what you will about us, John, but we will chicken out.

at any given opportunity. We'll weirdly say something about Winston Churchill and then we'll use the phrase, fight them on the beaches and then we'll say, in conclusion, no comment. On Tuesday, Prince William... Yes. ...called for a ceasefire. Yes. Does that carry weight in the UK or is that more of like if Hunter Biden said something? I don't think Prince William's done that much coke. Right? Right.

It doesn't... It carries only symbolic weight. I do think it's sort of symbolically interesting that the conversation has moved far enough that a member of the royal family has made a comment about it, but obviously he has no actual political power. Right. I don't think we will get rid of the monarchy in my lifetime, but I'm hoping that we're just going to farm them off one by one to your country. Just give them a Netflix deal.

Come on, with the royals coming over for Netflix deals, it's going to be a fool me twice situation. They can't. Yeah, we gave we tried a couple podcasts and it didn't take. We'll take what you think they're working. What? Oh, yeah, that's right. I'll say it. I don't think Prince Harry's podcast works. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if that offends you. Fucking royalists. Wow. Are you a roast comic? Are you there? I didn't realize the Duchy of Montecito was here.

Guess Duchess. The Duchess, the land. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Yeah. I don't believe in you. I don't like your customs. I have no clue. On Wednesday, dozens of lawmakers stormed out of Parliament. Yes. After there was a chaotic vote on a ceasefire. Yes. What's happening?

It was a weird thing because I've been in New York for the last couple of days, so it was a strange thing to kind of be out of the country and be trying to follow all the news reports. And what was incredible was that I watched a string on YouTube of the BBC News, Channel 4 News, and it was extraordinary because all of them opened with the same basic comment, which was, this has not been a good day for the British Parliament. So it's quite a strange bit of parliamentary business. So the...

SNP, which is the Scottish National Party, were tabling a motion that would essentially have called unambiguously for a ceasefire. The government then were trying to table an amendment to that motion that was basically like,

we're not going to be here in a year, so we're just trying to ruin everything. Basically, the British Conservative Party is very much in the stealing the paperclips phase of being in office. But then it created a problem within the Labour Party. I think there's some similar dynamics playing out with the Democrats. There's a kind of tension in the UK Labour Party between the leadership, which wants to continue unambiguously supporting Benjamin Netanyahu, and then a lot of the party membership and a lot of the

lower level ministers who want to unambiguously call for a ceasefire. But basically, to sum this all up, what was supposed to be a debate in, you know, the Houses of Parliament, the thing that we in our country sort of pride ourselves on as being this sort of cradle of democracy, it ended up just being an argument about arcane procedure. And so it came off as incredibly flippant and sort of disrespectful. It did not show us our best. Yeah, you say that.

But then it's like, oh, wow, you guys devolve into Downton Abbey. And it's like, we start there. We could only wish on Congress's best day to have the refinement of a Downton Abbey. I will say, your Congress seems to have the same average age. Maggie Smith at this point would be a young whippersnapper. Yeah, they're so old. It's crazy. It's crazy. So are our movie stars. That's right. It's funny. Yeah.

The only thing that I object to, I'm perfectly happy with people commenting on Joe Biden's age and making that a point of discussion, but the only thing I strongly object to, and this is the only comment I will make about American politics, is when people say, well, Trump is, you know, he seems quite vigorous and alert. And you're like, no, he doesn't. Like, if you met Donald Trump just in the street with no knowledge of who he was, you would assume he was an old man who had got tragically lost from his house in Argentina where he'd been living since 1945. LAUGHTER

In hiding from Mossad. Yeah, because of the tan. That's right. You'd be like, oh, that's, no, he's tan. He's started, he's tan, but he's started north in a way that we don't feel quite comfortable with.

Yeah.

was actually throwing its weight behind this. Also, it would show it had learned some lessons because the Labour Party was in power the last time countries responded to a terrorist attack by collectively punishing a civilian population. So, yeah, that's where I'm at with it. So there's a divide on the left that's playing out in the Labour Party that's not dissimilar to the one that is playing out in the United States. You know, the United States has a different relationship with Israel than the United Kingdom does. Why is it just the pressure from the United States that leads the UK to land on its abstain as opposed to...

either in favour or against a ceasefire? Like, is that why? I think Keir Starmer is trying to present himself as prime minister in waiting. And he, you know, according to every conceivable opinion poll, is going to be prime minister. And I don't think he wants to...

himself too far from Biden. Like, I think he wants to, the campaign that they're in the process of shaping, I think will be heavily influenced by Biden's campaign in 2020. And I don't think the UK Labour Party wants to set itself far apart from the Democrats at the moment. Now, apparently your Nancy Pelosi is on the American version of the Traders. Yes!

I've been watching the traitors. I believe there's a new episode today. I have to, I come again with a PSA for you all, right? The U S the UK version of the traitors is genuinely better because there's no celebrities. It's all ordinary run of the mill maniacs.

I'm going to watch the UK version because my problem with the American version is there are all these reality stars, none of whom really have thought very deeply about the strategy of this game, which I find deeply upsetting. But in the midst of these reality stars, there are survivors, there's people from The Challenge, there are real housewives, there is a legit former member of

of Parliament, John Burkow, who is, first of all, by the way, he never looks like he belongs. There's not a frame in this show where he looks like he should be there. He doesn't seem to know why he's there.

He also, by the way, seems like no one told him until seven seconds before they said action that there would be running involved. It doesn't look like he's ever seen a reality show, maybe a television show, anyone running before. He runs with such a low center of gravity. I'm going to do it. I've never seen someone run like this. I've never seen someone run like this. It's truly like he's never seen. It's like he's inventing it.

But it's this. It's this. Fucking Parvati, who's an athlete, by the way.

Yeah, it's absolutely unfathomable to me. He was like he sits in an equivalent position to Nancy Pelosi. And like he was the speaker of the House of Parliament during some pretty like rancorous Brexit debates. So he was like he's not like even like a more obscure speaker that he was like on TV every single night.

trying to run debates in parliament and now he is on the traitors. And here's my question. You know, okay, he needed 250 grand. Who doesn't? In the US, we have corruption. LAUGHTER

They get to go on boards and sit and do speaking tours and other ways to kind of remunerate themselves based on their public service. They make they leave the government and then they find ways to trade on the value of their mind and experience and connections.

Does he not get to do that? What kind of society are you running over there? I have no idea because I will say that memo has absolutely made it to the English Conservative Party because those guys are doing so many jobs. They do not have time to do their first job. So I don't know how the chump Burkow has managed to end up not corrupting his way onto the board of something. So what were his politics like? Because on the traders, he's quite sweet.

He's a sweet man who's constantly complimenting everyone. I really like him. He became a Labour politician. I think he started as a Conservative and then defected to the Labour Party. But his politics, he was criticised very heavily by the Conservatives because they felt he was taking an anti-Brexit position. And I mean, the only thing I would say in defence of Bercow is the anti-Brexit position he was taking is we should debate Brexit in Parliament. And the Conservative Party's position was very much go fuck yourself. LAUGHTER

So his politics were... He was sort of...

I would say that he was quite a sort of centrist figure, but he had a very particular way. So in the UK parliament, when everyone's just yelling at each other, the speaker is supposed to say, order, order. And he said, order! And that made him into a celebrity. And what's crazy is that sometimes they're going at it and, you know, he'll do it. He'll do an order. And then all of a sudden, yeah, Phaedra's paying attention. Yeah.

You know? I don't know how the fuck this has happened. I only found out about it because of the podcast we also do for Crooked, Pod Save the UK. Please download it. Please do it. We found out about it because an American listener wrote in and I believe the email just said, can you tell me what the fuck is going on?

That was the first that I'd heard. Genuinely, that was the first I'd heard about it. Maybe that's reassuring that like he could come here and do Traders in the US and not have it kind of reach the UK like the way Arnold Schwarzenegger used to do like Japanese commercials. Yeah, I...

I will say the US version is made by the same production company that makes the UK version. And it is very much going to be on British TV. So he's not quite managed to do the full Bill Murray in Lost in Translation for Relaxing Times Make It Suntory Time steal. Well...

Either way, I'm laughing. Thank you, Nish. You can listen to Pod Save the UK, where new episodes drop every Thursday. Up next, movies are back and Ashley Nicole Black is here to discuss a modern classic. One more time for Nish, everybody. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage a glittering star in the love it or leave it skylights, the incredible Ashley Nicole Black. Hi, thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. Hey, are the movies back? Yeah. Hell yeah.

What's the movie you've seen recently that you loved? Oh, I really liked... I liked it so much, I'm blanking on the title. Was it Madame Webb? No. I have not seen Madame Webb. I've seen the poster for it. That's all you'll need. And it looked like it was a one-woman show. So it looked like an actress who did a one-woman show in a basement theater in Chicago. Yeah.

In 2007, which is my vibe, but I haven't yet seen the movie. What's your favorite superhero movie? Captain America. The one and the Winter Soldier. I was like the one with the hot guy. There's two hot guys and they're chasing each other and they want to be friends and it's very erotic.

They are hot. Yeah. Which one is your hot guy? Oh, I love a dirty white boy. Don't give me a clean white boy. I'm a Sebastian Stan, okay? If I'm going to go white boy, I'm going dirty. Yeah. I'm fine with either. They're very handsome. Have you seen the clips of Dakota Johnson on her Madam Web press tour? I believe it's Madam. Am I crazy? But it's spelled... Then what's that fucking E doing there? What? It's...

Yeah, French for madame. It's spelled like if you ran a whorehouse, right? That's not what it's about? Well, here's a clip of her talking about Gen Z. I love them. Yeah. And they annoy me. They annoy you on a generational level? Like how they're experiencing life? Yeah. When did you feel the oldest?

All the time. Yeah. Like every second of the day. That's awful. I know. It breaks my heart because I'm not that much older than them. But it just I think it's happening so fast now. These generations are like turning over. It's happening so fast. Every day they get a new hair. They get older and older. Every day they get older. It's crazy. I don't know what's happening out there.

First of all, it has to be acknowledged that she has on the tallest boots I've ever seen. The boots are coming up to her butt. I know you guys can't see it, but imagine if a pair of boots continued to a butt. That's what she's wearing. That was the standout of the clip for me. Yeah, for sure. Have you ever worn boots like that? No. They might be good in a flood. Yeah. But that's not why she wore them.

No, I think she wore them so we'd have something to, you know, think about after. Do you remember when she yelled at Ellen? No. How was the party? I wasn't invited. Actually, no, that's not the truth, Ellen. You were invited. Last year, you gave me a bunch of s*** about not inviting you. I didn't invite to my birthday. Yeah, yeah. I invited you to mine and you came to mine. I'm just saying. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I had that thing.

So that set off the kerfuffle that followed of like, is Ellen nice? I was going to say, this is actually a really sad clip because Jonathan got fired that day. No, my gosh, you guys, that's a joke. I don't know. I'm so sorry. Sometimes I forget that to you guys, I'm a Hollywood person. That was fully a joke. I don't know Jonathan. I don't know Jonathan very well. We don't know Jonathan.

But he did get fucking chicken. They're like, she would know. She worked on Ted Lasso.

Is it a Marvel movie? No. Oh. So that was part of the fun because there is a conspiracy theory online that Sony is tricking people into thinking they're doing a Marvel movie, but it's only in association with Marvel. So they sign up, they tag Marvel in their Instagram, they show up on the set. It's not the MCU. It's a fucking backwater Sony deal, you know? Dakota Johnson's like, where's Chris?

Right. Well, so Dakota Johnson has done interviews. Basically, she has now said like the script we actually made is very different than the one I read. And apparently there was an earlier version in which Tom Holland shows up. But by the time she's on set, he's in fucking somewhere else. No, this actually happened to me once. I went out to drinks with a guy that I wanted to sleep with. And when I got there, his friend was there and then he left and I had to sleep with the friend.

Heard it once. I've heard it a thousand times. It happens. These things happen to women and we don't talk about them. The funny thing is that is a true story. And I know he listens to this podcast. What happened? What happened? What happens is once a year I do this podcast and he DMs me. Yay, podcast. So is this a kind of, are you reaching across the digital space to say hey? Oh no, he's very happily married. Everyone I've ever slept with is very happily married. After? Yeah.

Mostly after, yeah. Now, you may have thought you were spared from knowing what happened in Madame Web. We like it as Madame Web because it sounds like, you know, Madame Web. No, there's Sidney Sweeney's in Madame Web. Is Sidney

of this movie? In a sense. I'd say physically, yes. Performance-wise, no. She does not perform. She's not, yes. I definitely think she thinks she was in the film. In it, but not present. Right, for sure. Yes, yes. And I did see Madame Web. And I really do need to talk about it, which is why it's time for a game we're calling Oh, What a Madame Web We Weave.

In which I am going to ask you whether something happened or did not happen in Sony's Madame Web. This is really funny because I am kind of like a Marvel movie expert. So I thought, but as it turns out, I...

I don't I'm not going to be able to do well at this game. I'm excited. That's a perfect amount of information to come into this quiz with because, you know, the you know, around this film, but you won't know this film. And I do believe that what what this is, this isn't just a bad movie. This is an unholy text. This is a cursed document. So I'll start with that. Are you ready? Yes.

Did this happen in Madame Web first? There's a particular line featured in the Madame Web trailer that immediately became a meme. New Brian, please play the clip. He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died. She was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died. Just spiders, not like the reproductive habits of spiders. Spider habits, just spiders in general. Mm hmm.

Was that in the film? No. It wasn't. It does not appear in the film. Interesting. Interesting. Just because something's in a trailer doesn't mean it's in a film. Madame Web is set in 2011 for no apparent reason. True or false? True. False. It is set in 2003 for no apparent reason. It is ostensibly to line up with the Tom Holland Spider-Man films. But Tom Holland!

And Peter was born in 2001 in the MCU, which is a nerd note from our new Brian. Oh, he put his real name next to that. Next time, don't shoot me in the neck with a fucking dart. Maybe new Brian. In order to establish that it is 2003, Madame Webb hits you over the head with era-specific details. I'm going to read you these details and you will have to tell me, was this in Madame Webb? A billboard for black-eyed peas, where is the love? Yes. False. False.

It was a billboard for Beyonce's Dangerously in Love. A Britney Spears toxic needle drop. No. No, that isn't there. What? Yeah. They cleared Britney Spears? Yeah, they were going to. They spent money. Yeah, they were prepared to lose a lot of money. After narrowly avoiding death, Madame Webb says she wants to go home and watch Survivor.

Yes. No, it's Idol. She says, I got to get home and watch Idol. It's awesome because it's 2003. But also, Idol's on now. That's part of the fun. That's part of the fun of it. Things didn't change that much in 2003. At one point in the movie, Madame Webb leaves three teen girls in the woods. No. No, she does.

Your gut instinct has been wrong. You can't believe how bad this is. That's what it is. I'm thinking of like how story structure should go and I'm wrong. I'm going to read you the following lines of dialogue. You tell me, is this an actual line of dialogue from the movie Madame Webb?

When you take on the responsibility, great power will come. No. No, that's true. They fucked up the line. They flip it. Instead of saying with great power comes great responsibility, they say when you take on responsibility, great power will come. It's like when you take the line from Spider-Man, you translate it into Greek and translate it back to English on Google Translate. Well, it's actually, I think, more like...

you know, in logic, like if P then Q, and it's like, you learn that it's a fallacy, the fallacy. I think this is the fallacy of the inverse because with great power comes great responsibility, but there with great, but that does not imply that with great responsibility comes great power. Sometimes you just have a lot on your shoulders. Yeah. It's called being a black woman. Yeah. There you go. There you go. All the responsibility, none of the power we experience it. Yeah. Thank you. One black woman in the audience. I assume.

You know the best thing about the future? It hasn't happened yet. Yes. Correct. Hope the spiders were worth it, mom. Yes. That's true. Is it because her mom died in the Amazon? Her mom dies in the Amazon while nine months pregnant looking, I can't, looking for a cure for Dakota Johnson's

illness in the womb. Oh, so her plan when she's not based cure a spider based cure. This isn't so there's an illness and her plan is in her ninth month of pregnancy to find a spider and use it to cure a disease in Peru. I guess never leaving Peru. That's a long shot. You know, cures wise probably would take some time, but luckily her daughter will have an origin story. That's right. That's right.

Madame Webb is referred to as Madame Webb only one time in the entire film. Yes. No, she is never called Madame Webb at any point. And finally, at the end of the movie, Madame Webb is left blind and paralyzed in a way that is not actually explained.

Yes. Yes. She is hit on the left side of her face with a firework, thereby blinding her completely. And she's paralyzed. She has never seen receiving any kind of an injury that would cause her to need to be in a wheelchair. Dakota Johnson was just like, I don't want to be here. You can wheel me around the set, but I'm not walking over there.

I hope you see it. I hope you see it. This thing should be locked. This should burn out your eyes. Indiana Jones should be saying, keep your eyes closed. And it should, you could, Madame Webb should kill Nazis when they look at it. You should be turned into a pillar of fucking salt. Would see again. Had a great time. One more time for Ashley. We come back. Brad Williams is here. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage. My fellow short King, the hilarious Brad Williams.

Hello. How you doing? Thanks for being here. Yes, thanks for... Which one do I sit on? Right here. Yes, no, wait. When you say fellow short king, how tall are you? I am, well, I'm five foot six. Go fuck yourself. Fellow short king. He knows what it's like. I am four foot goddamn four. I would do horrible things behind a dumpster to be five foot six. I wish it would work.

Because I'd let you, you know? Game men love me because I have small hands. Everything looks bigger. All right. Now look.

We every week we pitch ideas. Our writers pitch ideas based on the work of our guests. And they were a little nervous about suggesting ideas based on your special because you talk a lot about dealing with dwarfism. Sure. You have a fair number of short jokes in the special. I do. Well, because like when I started doing stand up comedy, I didn't mention it at all. And I just noticed that the audience would just stare at me like, does he know?

Yeah, I'm aware. So then I just started to address it more. And I think I've rung about every dwarf joke I can out of this thing. Like, yeah. So I'm very curious as to what your writers came up with. Before you... Well, we'll get there. Ha ha!

Now, in the special, you said you don't like the term short king. Yeah, because it just sounds like you're calling me a chess piece. You're the short king. Our only references to short kings are Lord Farquaad and Shrek, and no one liked that fucker. So to me, it doesn't sound like too much of a compliment. Okay. Yeah.

I'm okay. Now, one thing you talk about in this special is you talk about Dylan Mulvaney's Bud Light ad. Yeah. And

like, that you don't care. Why, you know, great that Dylan Mulvaney get a Bud Light because if a trans person, if they're letting marginalized people get Bud Light commercials, they'll let other marginalized people, like you pointing at yourself. Yeah, I could be a Bud Light spokesperson. I truly feel like I could, you know, just like, because now, like, obviously, alcoholism is very serious and you put a dwarf in a commercial and be like, drink Bud Light. It only gets you a little drunk. Like, if...

If you say that, everyone's like, oh, I can have four and still drive. Don't do that. Don't, don't do that. So I was going to pitch on that a little. Someone's like, I'm a little drunk. And they cut to you and you're like, no, I'm a little drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dwarf spokesperson for Bud Light. It's Bud Light. Light. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He finished the joke. He did great. He did great. Yeah.

Now, one thing you talk about in the special is about... Partly because of what happened with Bud Light is that, like, every company should have just a hardcore ideology. Yeah. I want that. Because, like...

Because now it's like you don't know where companies stand. I want every company in the world to just be like, this is what we're doing. This is what we're about. Because then you would get products that you're like, should I buy this thing? It's like, no, we're doing conservative tampons.

We're like, we are hardcore conservative right-wing tampons. Like, yeah, it's not just your blood that's red. Like, it is hardcore. Like, that would be so great if just cards on the table, every company was just like, this is what we're doing. So one thing that did bug me about it is like you do... No, and I think no bad idea is in a brainstorm. But like...

You know, you talk about people basically not, they like, they don't, you know, they don't want politics from a lot of their products, but, and that there, and there, you do some both sides, you do some both sides work. Sure. But one thing that I was thinking about is that like, I appreciated what you said that like, you're happy that Bud Light is getting behind someone like Dylan Mulvaney. And what I was thinking about when you were talking about the way in which, you know, people don't want politics in their products, there is a difference, right? Like that, that,

that the reason the right reacts so negatively to say someone like Dylan Lovaney is they don't, that there is a big group of people in this country that say, Hey, I don't, I don't approve of that person living the way they want to live. Yeah. And,

And on the other side, I do think you talk, you know, they're, you know, that like when the left comes after somebody, it is more about, hey, I don't think you're being respectful enough of other people having the right to live the way they live. And like, do you see a distinction, especially as someone who, based on your special, has faced a fair amount of attacks on not being like everybody else? Yeah. To be fair, as far as I know, the right hasn't gone after dwarves yet, but...

Give them time. I don't know. You're not that far behind the Jews. It goes trans, maybe then a couple – trans, Jews, maybe two other people between us, and then you're up. Yeah. Damn it. Okay. All right. The thing is, yes, I do absolutely see a distinction. I –

Also want to make sure because I've got family and they are definitely right wing and they are definitely good people. And I never want someone to say one part about their personality and then me think that I know absolutely everything about them and can judge absolutely everything about them. And like, OK, do they love their families? Do they pay their taxes? Are they –

yes we disagree on some things as long as they're not actively trying to hurt me or some people like then we can talk now if they're

doing that, then no, I can't. But so I never want to go on stage and just say, here, if you believe this one thing, or if you voted for this one person, then fuck you get out. I want to have those conversations. And I because I feel like that mentality is why so many people aren't getting along is that they find out one part about someone's personality, and they merely dismiss everything else they have to say.

One thing that I found moving about the special is I think you joke a lot about having dwarfism. Sure. But it clearly, there is, by the time you get to the end of the special, when you talk about the fact that your daughter has dwarfism, there is anger and fear there. You clearly are, there's, the jokes are about something that's been a struggle for you. Yeah. And you talk about

a woman in your wife's life who was kind of Carol, Carol. Yes. Who was fucking hate this woman.

I fucking hate this woman. She's a real person. Okay? And I use her real name. I do not give a shit. All right? If she listens to this podcast, she knows I hate her. Like, I don't hide this shit. And if she sues me, great. I want her to sue me. If she sues me, she'll have to prove in court she's not a cunt. Okay? It's not happening. It's not. Yeah. Any judge will side with me.

Right. I mean, it's civil, so it's just preponderance of evidence. So, you know, be careful is all I'm saying. But you said you started out by not joking about it and you felt like when you weren't joking about it, it was on people's minds. Yeah.

Can you just talk a little bit about the challenge of being a comedian with dwarfism going around the country long before you had a special when I am sure that, you know, people that come to these things, they're awful.

So my favorite and by favorite I mean most terrifying story like this. I was in Odessa, Texas. Jealous? Of course you are. And I was – during the show got a heckler and –

you know, I dealt with it, but then at some point you have, you have to kick the heckler out. And we, and we did rest of the show went great. I go out to the car to drive back to the hotel. It's my opening act driving. I don't drive cause obviously. Um, and then we see headlights turn on and it, a,

a pickup truck starts careening towards us. A guy leans out the window and just yells out, kill the dwarf! Yeah. And at that moment, I didn't stop and be like, hey, thanks for using the correct terminology. Because that wasn't the part that offended me. It was more the kill that I had the problem with. So yeah, I did...

So no matter what I do, if I – I have to talk about it. I have to address it. It's also a point of view that doesn't get addressed much in comedy. It gets made fun of from outsiders, but it never gets talked about like as a person who's living with it. So I have a real opportunity to share with people what it is actually like and what it is like to check into a hotel and everything is cool. And then you look up the showerhead and you go, fuck.

Because it's just straight ahead. Like the showerhead is pointed straight ahead. And I don't really want to call the front desk and be like, hey, can you just send someone up and move the showerhead down two inches so I end up like climbing up the side. This is how I'm going to die, by the way. I've seen my death. I'm fixing a showerhead. I slip on the bathtub and I go, I fucking knew it. And that's going to be...

So, like, I have the opportunity to share those kind of stories, so I do. But then at the same time, I know that if I do, like, two dwarf jokes in an act, there will be some people that go, he's using his crutch. It's like, it's not my crutch. It's my life. Like, I don't know how to write the jokes from the perspective of a six-foot-two white guy. I don't know how to do that act. They're not funny. You can't be funny up there. Yeah, so...

There's no comedy up there. Yeah. Comedy is the opposite of heat. It falls. It doesn't rise. Comedy is on the ground. Smart joke. Anyway. But yes. So I just try to write jokes that are authentic to my perspective. And that is my perspective. Well, before we let you go, speaking of your perspective. Yes. We are going to end with some questions about whether or not these are the best parts about being... Ooh.

A term we're no longer using. Short king. Oh, okay. Fine. It's like there's no good term. Because it's like, oh, we're supposed to be called little people. But that sounds condescending as fuck. You know, like he's a person, just little. You know, and then it's like you're supposed to say dwarf. And thanks to Disney, that's not great. Yeah.

And then the bad one is midget, but to me, that almost sounds nice. Like, it sounds like, oh, it's my friend. Like, it almost sounds French. Like, my friend is a midget. And that's...

but then we're not supposed to use that one. So, okay, what do we get called? Short King. And then I've already talked about why I don't like that one. Can we just right here now, let's just come up with a new term for little people that all dwarves will just totally hop on board on. Like, I don't know. Big Dick Magoos. Okay. Big Dick Magoos. Yeah. Sure. I mean, I don't want to, I don't want to put myself in a position of doing the naming. I think that's not appropriate. Yeah.

It's sort of your job. I think I have to leave that to you. So we'll just go with that. If you're going with big dick magoos, I would say let's use it for... Female dwarves are pissed, but okay. We'll get to that. Right. Sure. So there's an intersectional element yet to be worked out. All right. Is this...

Here are these. Yes or no. It's called short and sweet. And it's short. I forgot that we're calling this segment short and sweet. Oh, we're good. We're next to the fucking bug from a bug's life. Yeah. Terrific. I like how they photoshopped appropriately. They could have made us the same hype. They're like, no, let's just keep Brad the shortest one still.

All right. Yes or no. Do you consider this an advantage? Okay. If you're bald, everyone can see. So you're forced to emotionally confront it and deal with it, which benefits the short as people. Why do you think I wear a fucking hat? All right. Cause I'm balding. Okay. I'm not, I'm running away from it. Can use Capri pants as regular pants.

Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, it's pretty good. Cheaper. It was just kind of awkward because there is a trend at one point, and it's still out there a little bit, but dudes buy these pants, but then they zip off into shorts because what if you're out in the wilderness and you have to traverse a river? Of course, you're just going to zip off because that happens to all of us.

And then when that trend was going on, I bought one because I was like, yeah, I want that. But then after all the tailoring, I just had pants that zipped off into pants. If a hot, tall person wants to date you, it's because of your kind soul, excellent sense of humor, and palpable sexual charisma. And that feels pretty good. No, sometimes it's a fetish, and I'm totally okay with that. I love how people, like, I'm married now, but back in my single days, people would be like, she's only fucking you because you're a dwarf.

Why is that a problem? Why? Is your orgasm not as good? Like, oh, I'm being exploited. Like, I don't know. That's fine. It's fine. I don't get it. It's sort of like...

Fetish is to, you know, sexual attraction what cult is to religion. It's just like a fetish is just something that caught on. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's fine. Like, oh, so you're into something and you're not hurting anybody and everyone involved is a consenting adult. Awesome. Go fucking nuts. All right. Next, there's nothing quite like drinking your morning dew out of an acorn cap. We're getting to the ones we were worried about pitching.

I like that your people turn me into a character from Ferngully. You really know how old you are if you laughed at that joke. Love Ferngully. And then we also saw Ferngully and then that's it. We fixed the rainforest. Yep.

You never have to worry about the blanket being too short to cover your toes. That's pretty great. I'm not going to lie. That one's pretty sweet. And I could fall asleep on this couch. It's fine. It's fine. Any Ottoman will do. You see a chest of drawers, I see bunk beds. And finally, you can never punch down.

I'm still working on that. All right. I will find a way. And that's the beauty of it. And that's the beauty of it. Guys, give it up for Brad Williams. You can check out his special Starfish streaming exclusively on Beeps. When we come back, it's time for The Wheel. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It, and there's more on the way.

Hi, I'm Stacey Abrams, host of the brand new Crooked podcast, Assembly Required with Stacey Abrams. Each week, we'll work together to better understand one of those big issues that seems insurmountable. Whether it's the Electoral College, America's loneliness epidemic, or the future of Hollywood post-strikes, I'll challenge you to dig in and ask, how did we get here? What obstacles lie ahead? And what can we do to get good done? Are you in?

And we're back!

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Hey, we became a real place, real business. Legal disclaimer, this is paid for by Vote Save America, votesaveamerica.com, not authorized by any candidate or candidates committee. Also on the latest episode of Polar Coaster with Dan Pfeiffer, Dan breaks down the discourse around Biden's age and fitness for office. So buckle up.

Is it time to freak out? The only way to know is to listen. Sign up for access to Polar Coaster and other exclusive pods at crooked.com slash friends. All right, please welcome Nish and Ashley back to join Brad. Ashley's back. Nish is back. Brad is here. Now it is time for a segment we call We Wish It Were the Rant Wheel. Ooh, a little twist. Here's how it works. We're going to talk about something we're furious at ourselves for liking. And I'll go first.

Because I can't keep... Well, let's spin the wheel. I like it with our heads on it. That was Swiss. That was completely random. Oh my God. It's like a Russian election. I've won again. With 100% of the vote. Yet again. Still champion. All right. I have to tell you something.

I tried the Apple Vision Pro and it's cool as hell. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's cool as fucking hell. Oh my God. It was like a dinosaur was in my living room and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And it looks stupid and I felt ridiculous, but...

Then I started using the notepad to write things in my living room and you can make little notes and you can leave and come back and it's still fucking in there. You can walk around. You can sit on. You can watch a Star Wars movie on Tatooine and I know that that's not important. Ugh.

Wait, but I think the important thing that can save you, where are you using your Apple Vision Pro? In the comfort of your own home or are you out? No, I was driving my Cybertruck. But that's neither here nor there. It has autopilot. That's what it's for. Sure. But John, you can just write a note on a piece of paper in real life and it will still be there. And it will still be there when you come back in the room. I do that almost every day.

You can leave a note somewhere. When you come back, it's still there. You're stealing notes in your house, John. You just have a shitty roommate. The other thing is I took apart a lunar lander and I could like move the parts around and then walk around it. And again, I don't know what a lunar lander is made of, but now I'm looking inside of it and I felt like if I knew more, it might have helped. Lead with the fucking lunar lander. Yeah.

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. It's like the Matrix. It doesn't make a lot of sense. Yeah, that's right. It just looks like you're playing the most fucked up harp of all time. But what I mean when I say that it's like the Matrix, it's the logical end of capitalism and you won't believe it until you see it for yourselves. And I had a lot of fun and I did not buy one yet. All right.

that Apple, if you're listening, if you send Love at One, he will present the rest of this series only wearing it. Like there's... Yeah. Listen, I feel as though I have put myself out there in a way that has at the very least earned consideration of an Apple Vision Pro showing up

And if it doesn't, I won't be mad because that's not why I did this. Or just send him a pen and paper. And a magic eye puzzle. Send me a magic eye and a fucking notebook. Apple. Pencil. Yeah. No, I know. I know. I know. And yeah, I watched three minutes of Avatar The Way of Water in 3D.

I'm just picturing Tim Cook coming out in a black t-shirt and he's like, we've innovated again. It's a stick that allows you to put words on paper and they stay there. Okay. You leave the room, they're still there. And for only the low, low price of $5,000, you can have this technology.

Leave your brain on the nightstand. Apple pencil. I realized that what I described it as was stupid. Let's spin it again. What if it comes up as you again? It has landed on Brad. So close. What's something you hate to love? Shoes.

I'm a big shoe guy, a big sneaker head. And it's definitely like some sort of little man syndrome, Napoleon complex, because I like having nice shoes because I think too many times people think that the only shoes that I can have are shoes that have like lights blinking from them or like certain cartoon characters on them. So I like to go around and be like, see F you Jordans, just like you. And I like to do that. And I, but,

thankfully mine are way cheaper than yours way cheaper like ridiculously cheaper that's cool yeah that part's good but like it just like I shouldn't have so much like I have a child I should have more efficient use of my house than a shoe closet I should not have that but I do

They make me feel happy. And that's good. Then I think that should be good. Okay. I also like pro wrestling. I hate that I hate that. Yeah, you got one. See, some people booed. Fuck yourself. Now I'll defend pro wrestling. Now I'm freaking adamant about this. Because the number one thing of people that hate pro wrestling are like, it's fake.

So is The Bachelor. Okay? And yet you watch that and think that's real love. You think really two average people go to a market on top of a cliff in Bangkok as their first date? No. That's not real love. That's not real life. Show me men. Show me spandex. Show me pyro. Show me a good ending. Okay? Wow. We are speaking the same language. Okay.

Show me men. Show me spandex. Show me a good ending. What are you talking about? Wait until I show you who Cody Rhodes is. You're going to love this guy. All right. Hashtag finish the story. I also hate really cool sneakers because every time I'm wearing really cool sneakers, I feel like men use that as their excuse to come up and be like, oh, I like your sneakers. I'm like, just tell me you like my tits, dude. What are we doing?

We're trying to be nice. Can I comment your sneakers and then your tits? Can I work my way up? No, and then I'll go to your socks. Hey, eyes down lower, buddy. Let's spin it again.

It has landed on Nish. Okay, so this week, Sam Mendes has announced that he's making four Beatles movies. One from each one of their point of views. Obviously, our first question, even Ringo's. The answer, yes.

And the reason that I hate that I love this is that I love the Beatles. I'm a huge Beatles fan. Absolutely adore them, as all British people do. That's a true stereotype. It's required by law. Compulsory. Do we need another more Beatles content? Like there's so many documentaries, there's so many footage of actual people. Do we need to see actual actors pretending to be them? I think there's such a danger with making biopics of people that are so on film and so readily available that...

And I also think like, isn't it something sort of creatively bankrupt? Shouldn't we be making films about less celebrated musicians that actually bring them more to light? Like when the documentary about Daniel Johnson came out and a whole new generation of people discover that person's music or searching for the sugar man. Like, isn't that where we should go? And yet, even as I think all of this, I know I'm going to watch every single one.

The day that it comes out, and I will be making notes about all of them. I will be praying the Ringo Starr episode covers his time voicing the cartoon Thomas the Tank Engine. I'll be massively hoping for that. But yeah, I think it feels sort of like not something that we necessarily need, and certainly not something that we need someone like Sam Mendes to devote years of his life to. But, you know, because he could be making, you know, James Bond. Yeah.

an original franchise. Good reference. Something we don't have to mention at all. Finally, a James Bond movie. He also made 1917, a film about the First World War. One of the least filmed

Wars. It's one of those things where every part of me thinks this feels creatively bankrupt. Also, the sort of novelty of the four films makes it feel like films deliberately trying to ape streaming, which I don't like. I like the fact that a film is between 90 minutes and three hours and not 75 hours. I like that, that it's not a 75-part TV series. But at the same time, I know

because I'm so obsessed with the Beatles that I know 100% that I will watch every single one of them. I think the only biopic of the Beatles I would watch would be of Yoko. Yeah. It would be great if the John one gets split into two parts by Yoko. That would be like a fun, that would be at least like a fun riff on the whole thing. It's the...

There's something about when very creative people make, very talented, incredible directors and writers, they're like, I want to make something about the creative process. And then you all, inevitably, you end up with something that's like, look, I'm not expecting that at some point there's going to be an egg and a walrus and then looking back and forth and be like, I've got it. Unless it's in your Apple Vision Pro. Yeah.

And there's an egg and a walrus. And you can leave in your living room and it'll still be there. It'll be there when I got home. I almost said, you know, you can make a shopping list in your kitchen. Yeah.

Buddy, have I got news for you. Right on the fridge. You can put it on the fridge and it'll still be on the fridge when you leave and come back. Listen, the point I was making. Surely, there's lots of creative and interesting people that listen to these podcasts. Surely somebody can cut together from what John has said. I love it. Apple vision advert. You can write things down and they remain there. Can it help you make a to-do list?

Let's spin it again. It's just so funny because any real estate agent will send you a post-it thing that you stick on your fridge. I know. I didn't do a good job of explaining why it's cool. I know I fucked up. I fucked up. You fucked up. You all saw it and you didn't let it go. And you're keeping me honest. You're holding me accountable. Ashley, you're up. Well, this one is going to be very vulnerable. Yeah.

I have recently become addicted to HGTV. As recently as 20 days ago, I was a cool young black woman. And now I am a middle-aged wasp. It's on all the time. And every show is the same. It's always a white couple. And the man hates the woman with every fiber of... He hates her so much.

Every joke is about how he hates her. But the way you know he's still a good guy, he's always like, she's the boss. She's the real boss of this work site. It seems like she is your boss. Three quarters of the episode is her working and you doing bits about how much you don't like her. And I can't stop watching. And I'm watching it and I'm like, oh, I hate these people. Ooh, a brass faucet? LAUGHTER

Every episode, what are they going to do? They're going to remove the walls and paint it white. And here I am in my bed. I wonder what they're going to do. Oh, remove the walls and paint it white. And put in a brass faucet. And I'm riveted. And I'm ashamed. I hate that you said, like, what am I, a middle-aged wasp? And I was like, hey, I like HGTV.

And then I stopped and went, oh, fuck, I'm 40 and white. Yeah, that's me. Yeah, that's me. It's very compelling. I'm in it. I'm into it. We don't use the term wasp. I'm familiar with the term, but we don't use the term wasp in Britain. So there is every time I hear an American refer to a wasp, there is always a moment where I'm like, oh, my God, how big is this wasp?

It's married to human women? They're big and they do stink. In this room, four foot four. That's how big the wasp is. Still a good size wasp. Easily swaddable. Still scary. Still a good size. But you don't understand. You put the thing on and it's like you're in another world because you can make a list of things and that's things we hate to love. When we come back, we'll end on a high note.

and we're back because we all need it here it is the high note hi this is heidi from west texas and my high note it's one that i've mentioned on the discord before but i'm excited to officially record it for the show if it gets in the show it'd be really nice if we got on the show anyway my dad uh is working the polls um

It was something that I suggested to him when he retired last year and moved to be a bit closer to me, that becoming a poll worker would be a good way to get involved, especially since he was someone who isn't an election denier per se, but he definitely thinks there's a conspiracy behind everything. So he's probably thought that every election was rigged since he's ever. Anyway.

He took me up on it. He is working 14 hour days, helping people vote early here in Texas, even though his politics and mine differ quite a lot. We've both always agreed about the importance of public service. And so I'm just so proud of them. I'm so happy that he's involved and I.

love finding out what he learns about our community. So thanks so much. Thanks everybody. You sent in a high note tonight. If you want to send us a message about something that gave you hope, send a voice memo to L O L I lowly high notes at gmail.com. Or if you're a friend of the pod subscriber, you can leave them for us on the discord in the love it or leave it channel. And maybe you'll hear it featured on the show.

And that's our show. Thank you so much to Nish Kumar, Brad Williams, and Ashley Nicole Black. There are 261 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and have a great weekend.

If you're already doom scrolling, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram and Twitter. You can also find Love It or Leave It on YouTube for access to your favorite segments and other exclusive content. And if you're as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join our Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad-free episodes, exclusive content, and a great discussion on Discord. Plus, it's a great way to get involved with Vote Save America. So sign up today at crooked.com slash friends.

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