Alito's Red Flags feat. Matt Rogers
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Hey, everybody. This is Matt Rogers. And this is Bowen Yang. And we host Las Culturistas. Our show is a fun, fast, and frivolous pop culture and comedy podcast. So,

Segments include the infamous, I don't think so, honey, as well as the central question of our show, what was the culture that made you say culture was for you? Our past guests include Kelly Clarkson, Tina Fey, Mandy Moore, Seth Meyers, Alan Cumming, Gabrielle Union, Michelle Yeoh, Kiki Palmer, and more, not to brag. Episodes are released every Wednesday. Listen and subscribe to Las Culturistas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Okay.

Because Crooked will donate its profits to support Vote Safe America, its partners, and other organizations who are mobilizing for progressive outcomes in the 2024 election and beyond. The book is out June 25th, but you can pre-order your copy now at crooked.com slash books. Now let's get into it. All right, for any of you who were watching Survivor last night, you know John's not here. But in lieu of John Lovett, please welcome to the stage Matt Rogers! Welcome to the stage.

So you can see me in those eyes Hello and welcome to Love It or Leave It. I'm Matt Rogers filling in for John Lovett this week because he's a survivor! Survivor joke. And while you might think the stress of fighting the far right is what drove him to slowly starve and relentlessly shit on a remote island, our money's on our producer Kendra.

But back to the land of underwear that isn't continuously damp, unless you're Donald Trump. We've got a great show for you tonight. Asif Manvi is here to father us all. Yes. Atsuko Okatsuka says pretty please with a bowl cut on top. And Rachel Bloom gets Deja 2004. Hey. But first, let's get into it, huh? What a week.

This week, Fulton County District Attorney Fannie Willis, the prosecutor who brought Georgia's election interference case against Donald Trump, won her primary on Tuesday. That is, if you believe in that sort of thing. The voters have spoken. Going on sexy little vacations with someone you hired is a girl boss slay.

Said Atlanta Mayor Andre Dickens at Willis' victory party, the people said yes to justice. The people said yes to safety. The people said yes to integrity. The people said yes to Fannie Willis. The people said yes to sightseeing in Belize. Yes to splitting the full bottle in Napa. Yes to getting your groove back in the workplace after your lengthy divorce. I say go off.

In less chill developments, a January 6th rioter named Chuck Hand advanced to a GOP runoff election for a Georgia House seat. I do not want this job going to Chuck Hand. As I've always said, I am firmly anti-Hand job. I'm just going to go off prompter here and say sometimes. Just because a lot of guys are in the gym a lot, they get those calluses. All right, shh, politics.

On Tuesday, Rudy Giuliani and several of his co-conspirators pleaded not guilty to charges stemming from their plan to undermine Arizona's presidential vote by installing fake Trump electors. In an ironic twist, officials initially thought they were dealing with a fake Rudy Giuliani, but it turns out Rudy Giuliani always looks like he's wearing a spirit Halloween latex mask of Rudy Giuliani.

This is the second criminal case against Rudy after America's mayor was charged in Georgia last fall for attempted election fraud. Also for his attempts to throw the election for Donald Trump. Rudy is getting charged in more states than my credit card after I let Lovett see my wallet for just a second because he loved the material and wants to get one just like it someday.

For the first time, the Trump campaign's fundraising in April far exceeded that of the Biden campaign after Trump raised a record $50.5 million at a single event in Palm Beach. Now don't go spending that all on one case.

Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett stopped by Donald Trump's hush money trial on Tuesday telling CNN, I was in New York to raise some money and I decided I must see what's going on. The Trump trial is New York's latest must-see immersive theater experience. It's like sleep no more, but with actually quite a bit of sleeping.

Said Crockett, I was curious as a lawyer and just wanted to get my own first-hand take on what was going on. Again, as a lawyer, added Crockett with a wink, gesturing with a giant foam finger that said, get his ass.

Trump's defense rested on Tuesday without the former president taking the stand. He did, however, stop outside the courtroom to rant at reporters as he's wont to do. After all, he's a single mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids and never stops...

Also this week, Trump reposted a video that referenced the creation of a unified Reich to describe what awaited America if you want a second term. The Biden campaign seized on the video with Biden saying this in a response posted to Twitter. This on his official account.

Wow. A unified Reich? That's Hitler's language. That's not America's. He cares about holding on to power. I care about you. The man is a natural. Okay, love this new format. Next, I hope they have him react to a supercut of all the kissing scenes in Challengers.

A Trump campaign spokesperson denied that Trump had anything to do with the Nazi Germany shout-out, saying in a statement, This was not a campaign video. It was created by a random account online and reposted by a staffer who clearly did not see the word while the president was in court. The real extremist is Joe Biden. But the spokesperson did link the video and added, So who knows? LAUGHTER

Then, in an interview released on Tuesday, Trump was asked whether he supported restrictions on birth control and suggested he was restriction-curious, saying, "We're looking at that and I'm going to have a policy on that very shortly. And I think it's something that you'll find interesting. And that's another issue that's very interesting. But you will find it, I think, very smart. I think it's a smart decision."

Okay, ladies, relax. You're going to find it smart and interesting. It's going to be a Christopher Nolan movie, this policy. Ladies love him.

Trump continued, You know, things really do have a lot to do with the states. And some states are going to have different policies than others. You can't just say things have to do with the states when someone asks you about a policy position. You're running for president. If I was asked whether I have a food handler card in a job interview, I couldn't just say food is very interesting to me. I wouldn't get the job. And I know that now.

After that answer sparked backlash, Trump wrote on social media that he would, quote, never advocate imposing restrictions on birth control and called reports based on his own words a Democrat fabricated lie. Added Trump in all caps, I do not support a ban on birth control and neither will the Republican Party exclamation point. Just while we're on this, I'd love to hear what Trump has to say when you ask him, what's an IUD?

What's his explanation there? He'd go, it's this little thing. It goes way, way up there. And if something comes too close, a sperm, let's say, or an enemy tank or anything, boom, this little thing goes boom. And the woman's not pregnant anymore. She's also not alive. It's a sad thing. These IUDs, it's very sad. The Trump campaign announced this week that they will start taking donations in cryptocurrency. Part of their plan, they say, to build a crypto army for the Republican nominee.

I've heard of crypto-fascism, but this is ridiculous. In case you weren't aware, a crypto army is a band of motivated individuals acutely trained in being shitty to their girlfriends.

Last week, the New York Times reported that less than a week after January 6th, an American flag was seen flying upside down outside Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito's house, a symbol for support for Trump's attempt to overturn the 2020 election. Alito explained, this was my way of letting the neighbors know that me and Ms. Alito were boinking that night.

I'm sorry, how is this just now coming out? Where did Alito just let his dog shit without picking it up that his neighbors were finally like, you know what? I'm snitching about the flag thing. In response, the conservative justice didn't deny the claim, but instead blamed his wife, Martha Ann Alito, for flying the inverted flag. Said Alito, God love her, but this is what I get for marrying a woman with an upside down head. Laughter

This defense is otherwise known as the Borat defense. Poor Martha Ann. Who could have guessed that falling madly in love with the shittiest little turd in America would turn out like this?

Alito said in a statement to the Times, I had no involvement whatsoever in the flying of the flag. It was briefly placed by Mrs. Alito in response to a neighbor's use of objectionable and personally insulting language on yard signs. Even in the alternate reality where this is true, how dare you hang your wife out to dry like this? If your wife is in a feud with the neighbors, you're in a feud with the neighbors. That's what marriage is, I assume.

On Tuesday, 45 House Democrats published a letter asking Alito to recuse himself from the two January 6th cases currently facing the court, the Trump immunity case and the federal obstruction case, which will determine if January 6th prosecutions will legally hold. Unfortunately, neighbors have since spotted that letter flying upside down on the Alito's flagpole.

Then on Wednesday, the New York Times reported that the Alitos flew yet another January 6th-related flag at their New Jersey beach house last summer, the Appeal to Heaven flag, which MAGA supporters used to signal their desire to remake the American government under Christian terms. Oh, Martha Ann, you know women, they can never have just one flag. I feel like most of the beach houses I've been to have been decorated with, like, seashells, but okay. Go off.

In newly released audio, North Carolina's Republican gubernatorial candidate and current lieutenant governor Mark Robinson can be heard agreeing with the claim that the theory of evolution is, quote, demonic. Babe, keep up. We're way past this. The demons are writing Doja Cat songs now.

Rumors swirled about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez's marriage ending after the Argo actor was spotted out and about without his wedding ring. I wouldn't read too much into this, though. Ben Affleck always takes his wedding ring off during Dunkin' Donuts runs so he doesn't accidentally swallow it again. I'm just now getting that the joke is it's a donut shape.

TMZ even reported the pair are allegedly living separately with Affleck moving into a rental in Brentwood. Affleck denied the rumors and said, what is a wedding ring if not the most sacred donut of all? It's also so shady to refer to him as Argo actor.

Following the gossip, the pair were immediately photographed together by the paparazzi, carrying bouquets to a school play featuring Affleck's son, Finn. Unfortunately, that play was Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? So, you know, it was a tense evening. Can I say, it's nice to see these two put aside their differences and remember what brought them together in the first place, caring deeply about controlling their public image.

paparazzi photos of Ben and Jen staging a supportive marriage. You could never be paparazzi photos of Ben and Ana de Armas laughing on a COVID coffee walk. On Wednesday, a clue to Love It or Leave It host John Lovett's whereabouts surfaced in, of all things, a trailer for CBS's upcoming season of Survivor. I have no outdoor skills. What am I doing here? I went camping as a Cub Scout. I threw up and went home. Ha ha ha!

You know, it's ironic because in high school, Lovett was actually voted least likely to survive. I want to tell you, was anyone watching it last night and that's how they found out? That was me. I was like, okay, I'm watching Survivor last night as I'm wanting to do a great finale, by the way. Great show. You see why he applied? And there's Lovett and I'm like, oh, he's coming in 12th. I feel bad saying that because right now he's shivering on a rock.

Right now. All the best. I am so proud of him. I'm so proud of him. It's so exciting. Scarlett Johansson. Don't worry, John. Everything's the same here. Scarlett Johansson ripped those nerds at OpenAI a new asshole this week.

After the company used a voice that sounded just like hers in its new ChatGPT product. Let's hear both of them side by side. This is Scarlett Johansson. Well, basically, I have intuition. But what makes me, me, is my ability to grow through my experiences. And this is the AI. You've got me on the edge of my, well, I don't really have a seat, but you get the idea. Well, well, well, if it isn't Scarlett Foe Hanson.

Closest friends and news outlets. LAUGHTER

It's outrageous that OpenAI would exploit a woman of color like this! OpenAI suspended the voice after the company was contacted by Johansson's lawyers. OpenAI, if you need a new voice, hit me up. We're a great fit. I'm constantly lying and hallucinating.

Conservatives had a meltdown over the trailer for Peacock's new documentary, Queer Planet, which explores the rainbow of sexual orientation across the animal kingdom. And fun fact, Queer Planet is orbited by Sailor Moon.

The trailer, voiced by Girls star Andrew Rannells, promises a peek at gay penguins, bisexual lions, and sex-changing clownfish. Look, I'm okay with that, but I draw the line at the penguins using the same bathroom as I do, okay? How would they turn on the faucet? They need some kind of penguin-specific restroom or else it's just cruel. Wait, you know what I'm realizing? I guess in the end it was Nemo who found themself.

A new report from the scientists at the University of New Mexico found microplastics in every human testicle in the study. Truly alarming. Easily the second grossest thing found in human testicles. This also might have to do with New Mexico's hottest dessert, chocolate-covered plastic bottles.

Red Lobster has filed for bankruptcy, saying that it's more than $1 billion in debt and has less than $30 million in cash on hand. So from here on out, if you fuck Beyonce good, that's where it ends. That's the reward.

A major nail in Red Lobster's coffin appears to have been its move last summer to turn $20 endless shrimp into a permanent menu item, which cost the company $11 million. They underestimated America, and so did I. Wow, I hate us so much more now. Chill, people! Singer JoJo Siwa was spotted getting... I just can't. LAUGHTER

What if that was the whole joke? Singer JoJo Siwa was spotted getting drunk at Disney World and encouraging other park-goers to sing her new song. I really need to believe that this looks cooler when I do it. You know, you laugh, but once they ban TikTok, this is the only way musicians will be able to promote their music.

Despite having the general voice and demeanor of a 63-year-old roadhouse waitress named Rhonda, JoJo Siwa was celebrating her 21st birthday. Studies have shown that surviving the Abby Lee Miller dance studio has the same medical effect on the human body as smoking a pack a day since the 60s.

And finally, McDonald's debuted the mysterious Grandma McFlurry this week, the flavor of which they described as simply delicious syrup and chopped candy pieces. The item is also a nod to Ronald McDonald's origin story. Apparently he only put on the costume after the hamburger gunned down Grandma McFlurry outside that movie theater. Anyway, I tried it, and they're right. Delicious. Tastes just like Grandma. I mean, butterscotch.

Listen, before we go, a little segment we're calling America's Least Wanted. This week, we're headed to the land of extreme lactose tolerance, Wisconsin, to talk about Eric Hovde.

Eric Hovde is a mega-rich California bank owner and real estate developer who pulled a Dr. Oz and carpet-bagged his way to Wisconsin, where he can wear his authentic village-people mustache proudly and try his luck against two-term incumbent Democratic Senator Tammy Baldwin. Let's get this out of the way. Yes, Eric Hovde is technically hot. Yes, he's sort of giving evil white daddy.

He looks like an actor you would have seen on a daytime rerun of Walker, Texas Ranger. And I don't want to talk about it. We have to focus.

Like many of his brain-dead fellow Republicans, Hovde has a habit of blaming societal ills on greedy corporations and the ultra-rich. No, wait, sorry, I read that wrong. He blames single parents. Yeah, single parents. The one group of Americans whom we can all agree have had it too good for too long. Get their asses, Eric!

In 2017, Hovde said in an interview that social welfare programs like SNAP, more commonly known as food stamps, were leading to out-of-wedlock births. Okay, before we go any further, straight people, you can't keep using phrases like wedlock and then get mad at us when we say heterosexuality is a prison. You gotta pick! I can tell by some of those claps that some of you are straight. And even you agree. Okay.

And when Eric says single parents or children born out of wedlock, the group he's really vilifying are single mothers who make up the vast majority of heads of household for families with young children. In fact, one in three American children are from a single parent family, including over 400,000 in Wisconsin.

And Hovde seems to be going for the always effective campaign strategy of, you know, you're struggling single mom who you love with all your heart works incredibly hard to provide for you. Well, I hate that bitch. Another group Hovde has repeatedly gone after extremely old people. Really, Eric, you hate single mothers and our oldest Americans. Do you also hate the shivering dogs and the Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials?

But oh no, Hovde said it was suspicious that some nursing homes reported that 100% of their residents voted in the 2020 election. What exactly is suspicious about that? What else are they going to do? People in nursing homes only have like three activities. Eating grape nuts, voting, and giving each other STIs from all the loud, passionate sex they're having.

This bastard went on to say that people in nursing homes should not be allowed to vote because they are so close to death, which, okay, is unfortunately one of the funniest things anyone's ever said. Go off, queen. Oh, also, in a recent interview, Hovde said that around the time of his 40th birthday, his multiple sclerosis was cured by contracting parasites on a trip to the Amazon rainforests.

Do parasites cure anxiety and diet coke addiction? Then congratulations to Survivor Season 47's John Lovett. Shivering on a rock right now. Miserable. And you all made jokes.

Last time around, Biden won Wisconsin by fewer than 21,000 votes, and statewide races there since then have been decided by similarly razor-thin margins. It's likely this race will be just as tight, as tight as Eric would find my... No! Eyes on the prize! Matt! Stop it! We're almost done!

So if you want to stop this crazy motherfucker and other conservatives exactly like him, go to votesaveamerica.com slash 2024 and help us save democracy. This has been America's Least Wanted. Up next, Asif Manvi has some daddy issues. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Each year, the International Rescue Committee's Emergency Watchlist Report assesses the 20 countries at greatest risk of new or worsening humanitarian emergencies. These countries are home to only 10.6% of the world's population, but carry a disproportionate burden of global humanitarian crisis. The civil war in Sudan has left over 24 million in need of humanitarian aid.

while armed conflicts and natural disasters have displaced 1.26 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. And Gaza has become the deadliest place for civilians in the world. Donations help the IRC provide families affected by humanitarian crises with emergency supplies in the aftermath of a crisis,

and with the resources they need to recover and rebuild their lives for the long term. Just $14 can provide a temporary shelter for a displaced family, and $72 can provide two months' worth of emergency food for a child. Donate today by visiting rescue.org slash rebuild.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or your skincare routine or therapy day. I have to tell you, I am a creature of routine. And I walk pundit. I get the same quad espresso every morning from Starbucks. Oh, and I also do go to therapy, although I did cancel therapy last night to do Anderson Cooper. Ha ha ha!

Healthy, very healthy call. That's real. That's real. Sorry, Dr. Christie, I can't do therapy. I got to go on Anderson Cooper. You can watch. I'll be saying the same things I'll be saying to you. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash love it to get 10% off your first month. Obviously,

Obviously, you should not do what I did. You should all be in therapy and stick to it. And by the way, I also did Chris Hayes. So it's like therapy or Anderson Cooper plus Chris Hayes is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. As is you getting therapy, betterhelp.com slash L-O-V-E-T-T, betterhelp.com slash love it.

The all-new season of Futurama is streaming on Hulu. That's great. But I have to warn you, it's completely brilliant. The interplanetary hit is back. The very survival of Earth is at stake. Is everybody okay? Is anybody hurt? Nobody's okay. Everybody's hurt. Watch the all-new season of Futurama. That's the best damn show I ever saw. New episodes Mondays, streaming only on Hulu.

Before we get to our next segment, this episode of Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Beef Reads, the publishers of an exciting new book from masculinity expert and friend of the show, Brad Turbo. Actually, I think we have a clip of Brad to tell you more about it.

What up, Alphas? Brad Turbo here. You've heard that 2024 is the most important election of our lifetimes. But did you know it could also be the most important erection of your lifetime? And it will be if you pre-order my new memoir, Turbo or Else, 10 Rock Hard Steps to Being Brad Turbo.

Within these gasoline-scented pages, you'll learn how to optimize your tea with sleep fasting, neutralize your lustful confusion about Andrew from the gym with hourly ice baths, and biohack your pheromones to make yourself scientifically irresistible to trad wives with big naturals.

This book is an illustrated step-by-step guide to stomping down all the soft, sensitive parts of you. Just crushing them in a vice until the sight of a cherry blossom in springtime makes you feel nothing. And you're finally the strong, steely apex predator that Andrew deserves.

Fuck, it's time for my ice bath. Pre-order Turbo or else, wherever books are sold or at your nearest GNC location. Okay, we are back. Everyone, please welcome to the stage at this time a daddy in every sense of the world, the incredible Asif Manvi, everybody! Yay!

What does it mean to be a daddy in every sense of the word? I think it means you're responsible for parentage. Right, that's true. That's one sense of the word. That's one sense of the word. And I guess the other sense of the word would be sort of the gay community would look at you and react similarly to me and Eric Hovde. You know what I mean? Like, I see that guy and I think, okay.

Oh, all right. So that kind of daddy. All right. All right. It's a compliment. Yeah, no, I like it. I like it. I just was curious. Look at this wonderful audience. Yeah, look at them. All right. A lot of straights out there. Your community really came out for you. They did. I know. So listen, speaking of straight things, how are you feeling about the election today? That's a straight thing? Um...

How am I feeling about it? I'm not hopeful. You're not hopeful? I'm not hopeful. Well, that doesn't make me hopeful. No. Well, I mean, don't take my word for it. I'm not an expert on this, but I do feel intrepidation. Yeah, and yet you still brought a kid into the world. I did. I did. What was the thought process there?

You said, "I don't feel hopeful, I feel trepidation. Let's breathe." Right, well, those two things can lead to sex.

It was the pandemic. What else is he going to do? Of course. Just turned four? He just turned four. Yeah. In March. Thank you. It just happened. You don't need to applaud birthdays. They just happen. Go ahead. Go ahead. Keep going. Thanks for the permission, bro. Go ahead. Keep going. You're doing great.

So you were on the show Evil on Paramount+. Congratulations on being on the Best Streamer. Thank you. Do you believe in the existence of supernatural evil in real life? Yes, I do. Not evil so much, but I do believe that there's... I do believe that we live in a matrix. Like a Keanu Reeves type matrix? Yeah, yeah, like that. That's a place we can meet in the middle. Yeah, like we can all... We're all... I want...

This is a thought I've come to lately. I want the world to just be an illusion. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Is that red pilling or blue pilling? Oh, I forget. Which pill is which now? Which pill is which, bros out there? Someone say, red wake up. Red is wake up? Red is know the truth. Know the truth. Yeah, blue is stay chilling. Bring a kid into the world during the pandemic and the presidential election.

So I've taken the blue pill. But yeah, I want it all to be an illusion and then we just wake up and we're in a pod and somebody has a mimosa. That would be amazing, actually. It's incredible right now. Welcome back. Here's a latte and there's the jacuzzi. And we're chilling. The latte, the jacuzzi. And this was all just a dream. 100%. We're all just in an amniotic sack.

Yes, there you go. Nice use of the word ambiotic. Yeah. And nice use of the word sack. When you can use them together, you really hit the home run. That's Scrabble. So you're a relatively new papa, and I'm using the word papa because it's written on the card. Yeah. While also being, and I say this respectfully, you're an older papa. I am an older papa, yes. So...

At what age do you consider a man an old dad? When your child runs out into traffic and you're like, ugh. Yeah. And you're like, ugh, forget it. When you go, blue pill. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

You know you're old when every time you get up, you make that sound. Ugh. Ugh, jeez. That sound means that, you know, which is what I do every... Or if I'm on the floor, I know when I'm on the floor and I'm playing with him and he runs away, and my wife is like, get, go. I can't. I can't reach. I can't. So he's... That's it. Then I know I'm old. He's on his own. He's on his own. Yeah. Because I can't catch him and I'm not going to go chase him. So...

jumping into he's on his own now mentality when they're four instead of 18. Right, right. You know that we've crossed over into old papa. I used to, when he was like a year old, I used to like sort of

take him to the park or whatever, and he would just lay on a blanket, and I would look at other dads sort of running after their kids with a ball or the Frisbee, and I'd be like, I can't wait to get to that, and now I'm at that stage where he runs, but now I'm too old. I think this is good. So I want to test you. Oh, all right. We're celebrating your later-in-life parenting journey, and by celebrate, I do mean lightly dog you for it.

And we have a game here we're going to call Paw Patrol with Asif Mandvi, okay? Nice. Oh, wow. Oh, is that me, the little dog? I took my son to the Paw Patrol live show. You did? In New York at Madison Square Gardens. And he was completely uninterested. But.

But I thought it was great. Yeah, it was great. So is that your favorite children's media, Paw Patrol? It is. I mean, now it is. Now it is. Now with my face on it like that. Now that you see it and you're like, that's a brand deal right there. Yeah, that is. Exactly. I love that hair as well. It's great. I like me in that little hat. Yeah. I look happy as fuck. Yeah, yeah.

We look incredible together. We look great. I'm saying. All right. All right. So I'm going to read you a quote. Yeah. You have to tell me if a young dad or old dad said the quote. Oh, all right. Okay. You ready? Go ahead. Let's start things off with this first one. Everything that I'm consumed with or worried about or this and that just goes away when I look at her. So that in and of itself is, you know, wondrous. Did a young dad or old dad say that?

Everything that I'm consumed with or worried about or this and that just goes away when I look at her. So that in and of itself, you know, is wondrous. I'm going to say for no reason other than I have to pick one. I think that's a young dad. That was Robert De Niro speaking to AARP magazine. So that's a really old dad. That's an old motherfucker. Yeah. He was speaking to AARP. Yeah.

Literally. And he said this at the ripe old age of, I guess he had his baby at 79. Yeah, that's impressive. Wow. The full quote is, I mean. He didn't have the baby. No, no, no. Just to be clear. No. But I know what you mean. Yeah, that's, yeah, I can see. Okay, yeah, now it makes sense. Yeah, he said, I'm an 80-year-old dad and it's great. Everything that I'm consumed with, blah, blah, blah. I want to be around for as long as I can to enjoy it, enjoy her. Well, he's 80. That's just not going to happen. No. No.

What you want to do is not what you're going to do. Right. Here's our next quote. Just to think, it's not that long ago I made love to both of your mothers. Wait. And I'm gathering that all of these are well-known people. So, like, it's not that long ago that I made love to both of your mothers. To both of your mothers.

Wow. Well, I mean, it sounds like an older dad. Who is that? That was actor Will Smith. Will Smith? Talking to his sons, Trey and Jaden, in an Instagram video about the birds and bees. Will had Trey when he was 24 and Jaden the year he turned 30. That quote is from 2019, so you'd think he'd know better by now. So I guess he's saying it as an old dad. Old dad. But he had them young. Yeah, yeah. Either way, inappropriate. Yeah, a little bit.

What's becoming clear is I'm not very good at this game. You know what, though? I think it's for fun. Because I got to tell you, there's no prize. There isn't? The prize is the stage time with me. Here's another one. Go ahead. Okay. Hayley's getting so big now. You should see her. She's beautiful. But you'll never see her. She won't even be at your funeral. I mean... Okay. He's what? Hair. Look at my hair. Who do I look like?

For the audience at home, I'm blonde as hell. Bleached.

I'm Slim Shitty, yes, I'm the real shitty. Are you one of the Slim Shitties? I just did my... Yeah, Young Dad. Young Dad. Yeah, Young Dad. Oh, wow, yes. Okay. That's right. It's Eminem from 2002's Cleaning Out My Closet. He was 30 when he sang that while his daughter Hailey was four. And it says, in a weird coincidence, Hailey, who is now an influencer, just got married this week. And here she is with her husband and dad, who, considering how many songs he wrote about her mother dying, should thank his lucky stars that his daughter still talks to him. Wow. Wow.

Wow. That really is a jarring photo. That is a very... That's Emma fucking them. Oh my God. He's, yeah, that's, he looks a bit like a mannequin, doesn't he? It's, it's, it's, it's haunting. Yeah. But you know what though? I want to tell them. Also, he looks delighted about the whole thing. Yeah. He looks like he's having the best time at his daughter's wedding. She's, she's banging that Travis Kelsey looking guy though.

Good for her. All right. Here's a parental quotable that requires a little bit of acting from yours truly. To set the scene, this is a statement from a dad comparing his baby daughter to his wife. Wait, what? Okay.

So this is, I'm a guy, I'm just a guy, and he's comparing his baby daughter to his wife. Okay. And this is maybe what he'd say. We don't know whether or not she's got this part yet, but time will tell. And then the dad sort of holds his hands out, clutching his boobs. We don't know if he's got this part. Yeah, you know, that impression is spot on. I love it.

That's Donald Trump. Yes! Yes. And he was older by the time he said that, right? He was 46. Yeah, he was 46. So there you go. That was him talking about Tiffany Trump, who was a full-blown baby. Yes. Wow. Wow! Yeah. It's amazing. This guy is going to be our president again. Do you really believe this? You feel that bad about it? Well, you know. It's very much a possibility. Oh.

Oh, I know. What can we do? Should we have a moment of silence about it? Should we just keep laughing? We could just... I mean, what else are you going to do? Let's just hope for that matrix. Just let's hope for that matrix. Okay, here's another one. I keep doing the math and keep extrapolating where they're going to be and where I'm going to be. And when I buy a watch, I wonder who's going to get it. When I buy a watch...

Let me try another impression. Right. Were you doing an impression just now? No, that wasn't an impression. Okay. But now it is because I see what it is. Now you're doing an impression. And the guy, you can do an impression of him. I keep doing the math. I keep extrapolating. Oh, Jeff Goldblum. Yes! Yes! That's how I seduced my wife. That's how you seduced your Goldblum? My Goldblum. Good. Do it to me. Well, I...

I went to a thing with my wife where there was dancing. Yeah. And we were dating at the time. I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm telling this story. This is going to not really read on a podcast, but the audience here might enjoy it. It's okay. So I basically, for some reason, I decided to dance like Jeff Goldblum on the dance floor. You got to show us what that means. So...

This is my terrible impression that somehow seduced my wife and got her to have a baby with me. Okay. This is Jeff Goldblum on the dance floor. That is really good. Thank you. So, I get it. I did that and then my wife fucked me. Yes. Yes.

I get it. There was something very sexual about it. Right, exactly. That was Jeff Goldblum. He was 63. Yeah, older than that. He was talking about his daughter who was born in 2017 when he was 65. Something about watches. I don't know. When he said that when he was 63? Yeah, well, no. But his daughter was born when he was 65? Wait, what? Okay.

Okay, that is Jeff Goldblum talking in 2019 about his son born in 2015 when he was 63 and daughter born in 2017 when he was 65. Wow, he's old, huh? He is old. He is very old. That's the thing about actors from the early 90s. They're old now. They're old now, yeah. Crazy. He's off talking goofy words about the watch. I know. Remember the fly? Oh, I remember the fly. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I remember the I love the 80s about the fly. Oh, right. There you go. It's my millennial culture. Now, is the next baby daddy a daddy baby? Let's find out. As much as a fuck up people say I am, I pray that I have the connection I didn't have with my parents with my kid. When I'm with her, nothing else matters. Who said that? That's a beautiful thought. That's beautiful. Um...

I mean, that sounds like an older dad. That was Machine Gun Kelly. He was 18. He is, of course, best known for his wisdom. So it's not that weird.

All right, so let's see. Okay, we... Whoa! Oh, my God! What the... They said... What the hell was that? They go, when it's time to wrap up, we're going to shoot you with a Nerf gun. And I said, okay, cool, yeah. And they go, you know, it's going to be really fast and really hard. I said, do it. I like it. And now I'm really scared. They really... All right, so... I almost hit the deck. Yeah.

Well, that sound of a Nerf gun being shot at me means it's time to say if you've won the game, I'm going to say you crushed the game. Oh, all right. Absolutely killed it. Asif, do you have any final words that are either advice on parenting or advice on the world going down the tubes, what to do? Just sing a lullaby.

And sleep in a bed with your child. Okay. That's it. Till what age? Wait, till what age is acceptable? And then we're going to go to break up. 28. 28. Awesome, Monvi! Thank you. Stream the final season of Plus coming up. Otzgo really wants you to like her. And now an exclusive excerpt from the forthcoming memoir, Turbo or Else? 10 Rock Hard Steps to Being Brad Turbo.

Chapter 3! What is masculinity? I know, I know. That question sounds pretty gay, right?

But it's all a matter of alpha-maxing your mindset. After all, if you were a beta cuck, even reading this book would seem pretty gay. Spending hours immersed in the words of another man? Letting a super hot guy's thoughts penetrate you and intermingle with your own? Maybe you're even listening to this on audiobook. My voice is close and intimate as if we've just woken up in Palm Springs together.

I'm wrapped up in your soft arms, and I'm telling you the nightmare I had about Judith Light ignoring me in the imported mustard aisle. But obviously, that's not what this is at all. Unless you're into that, I'm 100% kidding. Wink! Anyway, masculinity is when you drop something heavy on your foot, but instead of crying, you punch a wall. Caw-caw! End of chapter.

Well, that was a lot of fun. And now, even more fun. Please welcome to the stage the bombshell with the bolt cut. It's the incredible Otsuko Okatsuki! Thank you.

Hello. Hi. Hi. You look so great. Love your pond. Likewise. I mean, I had to join the iconic hair brigade. Yeah, it's hard because you always have to think what's next, what's next. You know, you did it. I stayed. No, you've kind of had this iconic haircut for a very long time. Yeah, I feel like seven years or something like that. Seven years. Yeah, it's so scary. It's scary to think about the future. It is. I mean, I just had a horrifying conversation with Asa.

Listen. I heard, yeah. How is your grandmother doing? Just in case listeners don't know, Asuka makes a lot of videos with her grandma. I need to know. Yeah, no, that's so sweet. Wait, are you asking because... Well, she's not well. But you didn't know that. You didn't know that.

- I didn't know that. Oh no, it's okay. - Is everything okay? - Yeah, she's healing though. She's healing. She's in the nursing facility right now. Yeah, and I don't think this is how you wanted this segment to go at all, but yeah, no, she's healing. It was just a fall, you know, and yeah, fractures, but they're healed. Yeah, she's learning how to walk again.

I'm giving you good news. This is good news. No, this is all good news. It's just I couldn't have seen this coming at all. I know because it was in the note card. I'm sure they were like, oh, she's going to be like, oh, you know her, still dancing. Yeah, goofy and dancing. The answer was not well. I'm not a liar. No. I'm not a liar. Yeah, yeah. But you know, yeah. But she's healing. I'm so happy to hear this. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Because her daughter, I mean, her granddaughter is the future of comedy. This is what Margaret Cho has said. Wow, that's so sweet, yeah. Did you guys hear about this? So Margaret Cho basically called you the heir to her comedy legacy in the New York Times. So I guess my question to you is, what should I do, just kill myself? Wow. You know... No, you're an heir to other people. Like who? Oh, gosh. You know...

Don't you say Dane Cook. Not all loud people are the same. No, you are going to have heirs. Oh, you think? You know what I mean? You start new movements. Yeah. Oh my God. That's girl. Did she say this in May? Because it's our month. She had to choose. You know what I mean?

Right. It's like she's not going to say Matt. She's not. Just because, you know, she had to keep it on theme. That's all. That's all. She would have. She would have. Margaret's always been very kind. We did Fire Island together. And I can't say. It's like I would imagine she was a hero of yours, too, growing up. Oh, 100%. Yeah. It's like you meet your hero and you're like, oh, Jesus, how's this going to go? And then your hero says you're the future of comedy.

Yeah. Like, that's cool. I know. It's way cooler to be on set during that. Let's not do that. Okay, all right. I don't know. It's cooler what she said about you. Thank you. I'm such a, what is it, a deflector? Like, no, no, me, you. I was a cheerleader in high school, and I feel like that just never left, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, were you a flyer? No, no, no, no. I threw bitches...

I threw them. I caught them. She wasn't a flyer. She threw bitches. Yeah, I threw bitches. But I caught them too. Yeah. That's more important. That's what it's called. There's flyers, bitch throwers. Bitch throwers. Bitch catchers. Bitch catchers. Which is the same job. Yeah. You're just...

Yeah. I mean, you know what's a kind of running theme throughout this conversation? Yes. You are a people pleaser. I am, yeah. And you told... Yeah. I was about to say that, but then I was like, no, I'm not going to be the Segway. No. No, you're the Segway. That's why they hired me. Yeah. The best Segways in the biz. You're the Segway thrower. And then you...

If bitches were segways, I'd be a cheerleader. Yes, you'd be a bass too. You'd be a bass too. So basically, it's kind of crazy to watch it actually happen real life in front of me because I was like, wow, Margaret Cho said you were the future of comedy and you were like, no, you! And then you can't see this on the podcast, but she threw herself back behind the curtain and refused to come out again. We had to stop for 40 minutes to get you back out here. Yeah, cheerleading thighs.

Why do you think you are a people pleaser at this magnitude? What made you this way? Oh, God. Right before it came out, I was quickly trying to Google why. Because I was like, oh, I should have a reason.

Did you Google why is Atsuko a people pleaser? No, I was like, how? It was more like, how do people turn people pleasing? You know, what happened to people? You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know. And Google said it was like, you know, trauma of like wanting to, not knowing what your parents wanted out of you or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that the answer to everything though? Like, why am I this way? Trauma.

100%, yeah. I realized that was too general, so I kept talking. Yeah. I was like, oh, maybe I can find more specificity if I keep saying something. No, because often I think people stop listening at the word trauma, too. Like when I say trauma, they go... Right, right, right, right.

Yeah, that's... Jesus, I know. It's so dramatic. Also, your eyes move so fast. Listeners, Matt's eyes... Wow, that was like what? Darted back and forth, back and forth. My eyes move fast? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just now? Yes. Do you even know you're doing it?

So you were like, people stop listening. It was like, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right. Your eyes just went... I guess I never thought of myself as someone with fast eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just like shade. Left, right, left, right, left, right. Yeah, it's like, yeah, yeah, exactly. I stopped listening. I'm not even looking at you. I'm looking left and right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was incredible. But you know what's happening now? I'm getting eye shy and I can barely move my eyes at any speed. Wow. This is good. Can we make it better for me, people, please? Listen, Atsuko, in honor of your people pleaser tendencies, we wanted to play a game with you called Please Me, Baby. We love it. Yes. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Matthew is... Wait, why are we so hot? Matthew... Are we dating? We are now. Are we... Matthew, is that your body? Because that's not mine. That's not my body at all. Okay, okay. Though I love what they've done with the suggestion of my neck. Yes. I'm going to say, let's go, your neck, that doesn't look like your neck. Yeah, that's not my neck. That's not my bra. Okay, that is not my bra size.

And yeah, I don't wear leather. I would say that's actually very close to what I would wear all the time. In fact, I kind of am wearing that. Yes. Yeah. I think they predicted you would go blue. Yeah, they predicted I would go blue. They knew I was vain. I want my eyes to pop. My fast moving eyes.

So here's how this is going to work. I'm going to give you a challenging scenario. Okay. Then you're going to have to explain how you as a people pleaser will solve it. Okay? And if you don't like that idea, what are you going to do? Say no? Hey, wow, you got me, Matt.

You got me there. Yeah. It's not in your wheelhouse and everybody knows it. By the way, people pleasing is a form of narcissism. So don't get it twisted. Yeah. Like in that, you know, I had to find this out the hard way. It's a form of narcissism and because you think everything's about you. Right. Yeah. And also you want people to think you're a reliable person to go to for joy all the time, thus putting the...

emphasis on you. Totally, yeah. And it's like, oh, everyone cares what I'm doing, what I think. They don't. But anyway, what I'm saying is I'm going to crush at this game. Let's do it. Well, that's good because it's time to play Please Me, Baby. All right. Okay. So, you're at a big Hollywood party. Ooh. Okay, been there. Okay, imagined. Okay.

You're at a big Hollywood party, and the person who went into the bathroom after you is loudly telling everyone that the toilet is clogged. You're trying to politely interject to explain that it was clogged when you went in there too, which is why you panicked, just washed your hands, and walked back out. So what's the question?

To be completely honest with you, I don't know. No, no, no. Because, yeah, because it's like, oh, yeah, yeah, I would do that. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah. Right. No, I just thought, right? Am I crazy? Am I being gaslit? No, is this crazy? Do you feel crazy? Yeah. Yeah, right? Because, right? We're going to do the second one. Okay.

Right? Because the scenario kind of said what I would do. Yeah. Yeah, what I did do. Yeah. Like, it feels like in order to be a people pleaser, you'd be like, oh, that was me. I did it. Right. Or like, more like you would finish with like, so what would you do? Right? Kind of thing. I don't know. I don't know. What would you do as a people pleaser? But it was just kind of like you just ended on a sentence. So I'm a little, I feel a little confused. Okay. We're going to...

Right? And you are too. Matt, I'm on your side. I know. I have to go. It is us against the world right now in this moment. Oh, 100%. You said, okay, it's going to be a series of questions and then it was a series of sentences. I said it was going to be a series of scenarios. Oh, scenarios. And then you were going to have to try to people please out of it. But they kind of said... Right. That's okay. You threw yourself under the bus. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We're going to the second one. Let's do number two.

Let's go. All right. Your grandma gets a three-picture deal with Marvel Studios. And you're trying to see if you can get a speaking role, even just a line or two, in one of the films so you can keep your insurance. What would you do? Pretend I'm Kevin Feige. Oh, wait. Okay. Yes. Yeah. Between Asif telling me to go ahead... And now this... No, I know you didn't write them. Because...

She was letting her too dumb to do that. No, no. People pleaser? You would have been like, we do not ask about her grandma if you did. Yeah. Yeah, I'm throwing other people under the bus.

Okay. Try... Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. If I'm Kevin Feige... Yeah. Hey, babe. I've put your... Yeah. No, sorry. Go ahead. I've put your grandmother in Marvel. She has a three-picture deal. Yeah. And you want a role as well. So try to get that from me. Yeah. I'm Kevin Feige. Yeah. Hey...

Hey, Kev. Hey, you. I know you. You're that Otsuko. Yeah. My grandma's in your movies. We're really excited about her. Are we ever in Black Widow? Yeah. Renegade. Title of the sequel. I think it's so awesome. I think it's so cool. My grandma is a star. Yeah, she sure is. Yeah. And who's also a star?

Scarlett Johansson? Yes, because she is Black Widow. We already have a lot of women of color in the film. Yes. And considering that it is our month still, May. I guess it is, huh? It's me, my grandma, and Scar Jo's month. So I thought, you know, why not finish it off? The Holy Trinity of Asians. Otziko? Welcome to Marvel. Happy.

AAPI Heritage Month. We will remember this moment. Our community appreciates you. Okay.

You are 45 House Democrats asking Samuel Alito to recuse himself from the two January 6th related cases currently before the Supreme Court after it was revealed that his wife, Martha Ann, flew an upside down American flag outside their house in support of Donald Trump's attempt to overturn a Democratic election. Go.

I think that it's going to be back to my cheerleading days. I go back to this synchronized choreographed dance. Have you ever had... You've been in a Zumba class, right? Let's say, yeah. Okay, so...

So picture, right? Like, I always said Zumba moms would be a great replacement for cops. You know, because like, imagine 45 of them coming up to you. Synchronized dance move, right? That's scary. So we go up to them, synchronized, right? Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah. Ooh, ooh, ooh, right? And we spell out R-E-C-U-S-E, recuse, recuse, you know, recuse. And then we throw that bitch in the air.

And we might catch him? Something like that. I think this is good. This is good. I mean, I think all Samuel Alito really wants is to be appealed to with song and dance. Yeah. We're going to do one last one. Oh, right. You're the Disney World employee who has to tell Jojo Siwa that she can't keep drunkenly singing so loudly in the park this week. Yeah, yeah. Right. I know. I know a park girl. That's Jojo at Epcot lit. And she's wearing glasses that say, finally. Finally.

So she's trying to sing her song and you pretend I'm Jojo Siwa. So you got to tell me I got to stop doing what I'm doing. Yeah. Hey. Hey. Hey. It's a Disney guy. They don't know. They don't know. They don't know the song. They don't know. They don't know. They don't know her. I'm Jojo Siwa, baby.

Do you know my song? If you do my dance with me, I'll get out of here. Oh my God. I'm so doing the dance. Are you ready? Yes. Show me the dance. Karma's a bitch. No matter. Karma's a bitch. We're absolutely nailing it. You promised. That's a promise. I promise. That's a promise. Otzika, everybody. Thank you so much. Don't go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It and there's more on the way.

The all-new season of Futurama is streaming on Hulu. That's great. But I have to warn you, it's completely brilliant. The interplanetary hit is back. The very survival of Earth is at stake. Is everybody okay? Is anybody hurt? Nobody's okay. Everybody's hurt. Watch the all-new season of Futurama. That's the best damn show I ever saw. New episodes Mondays, streaming only on Hulu.

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Paramount Plus, a central plan only. Separate registration required. See Walmart Plus terms and conditions. For 25 years, nothing has tasted better after a hard day's work than a Mike's Hard Lemonade. It's because since day one, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. We use three kinds of lemons, all handpicked from family farms, then blended to perfection in cold press to create the epic hard lemonade you know and love. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade.

Mike's is hard. So is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois. And now, a final word from Brad Turbo. What up, kings? Turbo here. I had hoped to read you another excerpt from my new book, Turbo or Else. Ten rock hard snaps to be in Brad Turbo. But instead, I have a difficult announcement to make.

This isn't just hard for me to say. It's rock hard. Early this morning, the shipping container carrying every copy of my new book, Turbo or Else, Ten Rock Hard Steps to Being Brad Turbo, fell off a cargo ship into the Pacific, where the gasoline-infused ink I insisted on is now poisoning large numbers of sea turtles.

Like, I'm sorry, but turtles die from plastic straws and gasoline! Is there anything these pussies can eat? Obviously, I am completely fine because I literally wrote chapter 7 dealing with setbacks by cheating on your hot wife. But my heart goes out to the gerbo hive. Or it would if I hadn't spent years crushing my heart down to the size of a walnut to make more room for my giant pecs. Anyway...

If you've already pre-ordered the book, that was kind of simp of you. And you will not be receiving a refund. Turbo out!

Okay, not sure why we even ran the first two ads, but I guess that's not my problem. God, this show's a fucking mess. Anyway, if you still have a boner for buying a book and you love America, then pre-order Democracy or Else, written by Crooked's own John Lovett, Tommy Vitor, and Jon Favreau, due out June 25th. To the extreme! Y'all ready for the next guest? Woo!

Please welcome to the stage, she was America's crazy ex-girlfriend, now she's my crazy platonic stage wife, it's the unbelievable Rachel Bloom! Listen...

I know I said I wouldn't do the JoJo Siwa dance without you, but we did it without you. How dare you? Yeah, well, listen, I had to connect with the audience. Like her, I also invented being gay. I've known Rachel for 15 years, and all I'm saying is I met her when I was 19, and I came out that same year, so coincidence? Coincidence?

Thank you for- You auditioned, by the way. What? Because I was at your Hammercats audition. We were on the same college sketch comedy group. It's true. But I had already graduated, so I was at his audition. You had such a good audition. Thank you! Wait, to hear this- You really deserve to get on. You had such a good audition. You know, I just, I don't know if I've ever told you how good your Hammercats audition was. It was really good. That is really kind to you. Did I ever tell you the backstory about that? No. So I had auditioned for the improv group at NYU, and there was a person on the group named Bowen Yang. What?

And we sort of knew each other. He was already on the group. And he came over to me before the audition. And he said, hey, it's so exciting that you're here. We're all really looking forward to your audition. We heard you're really funny. Cut first round. Fuck you, Bowen. Cut first round. That's a mean girl thing. That's a mean girl thing. He wanted to sabotage you. Bowen Yang is a mean girl. And then I walked into the... We're all rooting for you. Oh!

And then I walked into that audition the next day and I apparently had some gusto because it impressed Rachel Bloom. Oh, so you were coming off of Bowen Yang's mind fuckery and that's why your audition was so good. I came in with a vengeance. I said, I must conquer this demon. The inner demon and the outer demon, Bowen Yang. So this first question is, and I did not write this. I hope it's not about my grandparents. No, I've learned. Because let me tell you something. They're not well.

In fact, they're all dead. So are mine. I'm so jealous of people who still have grandparents. Are you? Because it's a lot of problems. Isn't it? But like,

Whenever someone still has a grandparent, I'm like, that's so retro. I know. That's so throwback. Like, you have a grandma? Yeah. What do you guys talk about? Like, what are they? They come over for Christmas and, like, ask you if you have, like, a life partner. I sometimes wonder how my grandfolks would deal with the gay of it all. Oh, they never. I mean, they must have known, right?

Do you want to know something dark? No, I don't want to know something dark. Me? No, I stay away from... No, please. Please. I introduced my boyfriend at the time, for the very first time, gay introduction, like she didn't know, when my grandmother had a very aggressive Parkinson's. So we'll never know how it went down. You know what I mean? It was...

Can I ask? Can I say something? I asked, do you want to know something dark? So basically, she was in a near vegetative state. She was... So in her head, she could have been saying the most hateful, homophobic things, but you would never know. When I looked in her eyes, I didn't see a slur behind the eyes. So we're talking like Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Yeah. Like, level of... We're talking... That's movies about...

I'm not using that in... I'm using that as a descriptive... Yeah. Not a pejorative. In Diving Ben the Butterfly, he is incapacitated and communicates through his eyes. Yeah. Thank you. That is the same with Matt's grandmother. You're the monster. Yeah. This audience has a problem. I just want to say, Love It is shivering on a rock right now. I want to remind everyone...

John, your show is in great hands. Everything's going well, buddy. So speaking of things that started in the aughts, talking about Survivor there. So I don't know if you know this, but last week America celebrated the 20th anniversary of the release of Shrek 2. I was so wondering what we were going to talk about because I realized they sent an email asking, what do you want to talk about? And I'm solo parenting this week. Yeah. So I'm a mother.

So that's my real job. No. So I was like, whatever he wants to talk about, I trust him. So I love that, of course, we're going to talk about fucking Shrek 2. Yeah. And I knew that you would love it. Shrek came out in what year? 2000? The first Shrek was 2001. But we're talking, of course... Wait, pre-911 or post-911? That's important to know! Did someone just say... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Did someone just say moments after Shrek?

You go pre-leavener post and someone in the crowd goes, it was moments after. It was Tower One, Tower Two, Shrek Two.

Okay, so first... I always ask when something comes out in 2001 if it's pre-9-11 or post because I remember that time. Yeah. Yeah. And that's all I got. And that's why... Do you want to hear something dark? This is true. September 11th, 2001... What? ...was the day Mariah Carey released her album that accompanied the film Glitter.

I remember going to school that morning and writing the header on my paper, 9-11-2001. And I remember saying, probably out loud, this is the day that I get glitter. My mother, I get a call, like so many kids did. You were on the East Coast. We were East Coast. I had just gotten to school. Yeah.

Can you send Matt Rogers down to the office? His mother is here to take him home for the day. I'm like, oh my God. My mom is taking me to get glitter early. I quickly learned that was not the reason for my early dismissal. My mom, concerned, was like, there's just something going on in the city and I really, I don't like what's happening and I want you to be home with me. I said, okay, are we going to get glitter? Okay.

She goes, I don't think the store is going to be open. And I go, what? What's going on in the city that the store wouldn't be open on Long Island? And so she goes, oh my God. And I think I saw her realize in that moment, like, I have to get my gay son this album now or else what already is a nightmare will be even worse in my own home. So we did stop by the record store. They were closing up.

And my mom goes, please, just let us quickly do this. And the people that were working there were like, okay. Anyway, it's an underrated album to this day. Please make this a short film because what I'm picturing is a line of employees salute you as you walk by with gloves. If this isn't America, I don't know. Oh!

So when you say person out there who was like moments after, literally moments after. My husband was... My husband lived two blocks from the towers on 9-11. He was at NYU. He was at the Water Street Dorm. Oh my God, at the Water Street Dorm. Yeah, and his 9-11 story is insane because...

First plane hit tower one and he went out to go see because they thought it was just an accident. Right. And then it was like September. He's wearing sweatpants and he went back inside because his balls were cold. And that is the thing that maybe saved his life. His balls. His balls being cold because otherwise he would have been like right under the fucking towers with the plane. His balls saved his life. Yes. His weak little balls. Not little. They're fine. They worked. They worked.

So wait, skipping ahead a few years from 2001 to 2004, the release of Shrek 2. Where was a young Rachel Bloom in 2004? May 2004. May 2004. Let's talk. Yeah. I am the witch in my high school production of Into the Woods. You're kidding me. To this day, I don't want to brag, but people from my high school who were below me, years below me, come up to me and they go,

Seeing you as the witch is the reason I do theater. Oh my God. And this happened in a pitch that I was, I was with my husband. We were in a pitch and,

And the person in the pitch was like, I just have to tell you, my daughter went to Mira Costa and saw you as the witch. And my husband was like, are you a plant? What is this? He's like, she's always telling me about, I was the witch. I was the witch. I was great. Like, bullshit. She was that. Really? She was 17. He's like, no, she was really good. I believe it was spellbinding. So I was the witch. I was very good. I was in love with...

with the music director of the musical, who was my age. He was my age. He was this prodigy they kind of brought in from the San Gabriel Valley, which is partially the reason why Crazy Ex-Girlfriend takes place in West Covina. It's a little bit based on this guy only with the San Gabriel Valley stuff. He was the music director, and he was like a year older than I was. He was this music prodigy, and I fell desperately in love with him talking about Sondheim. Yeah, I get it. And...

we had this like basically like secret make out relationship like after the show closed. Well, the musical director and the witch in Into the Woods is a very intimate relationship. Well, it's like a very intimate relationship. You're like clutching your chest. It is a very intimate relationship. He was the first guy who ever saw my tits.

Was that at the cast party? No, it was in his van. Oh. That had a lot of the instruments for Into the Woods. It was like cymbal, saxophone, tits. And then, so yeah, that's May. So we wrapped, so Into the Woods, we did it in May. So Shrek 2, I can't even believe. I wouldn't have seen it until like weeks after because I was in a love haze. No, you were too focused.

And then he went on tour with a pretty famous band as a drummer and then he went to Japan and I didn't hear from him that whole summer and then he came back and was like, hey, I'm not ready to be in a relationship but can we still make out sometimes? And I was desperately in love with him. And then he came back to music direct my senior year production and it's like, have the respect to not come back but it was Chicago and I was Roxy and yes, I killed it. Wow. Wow.

So you got to play the witch and Roxy Hart. And that's when I peaked. Okay, so speaking of 2004. Shrek 2, that's the one where, okay, they go to, okay, I'm trying to remember this. I'm going to tell you this right now. This game is going to answer a lot of your questions. Okay, great.

In honor of the anniversary of 2004, it's the 20th anniversary of 2004, Rachel. We wanted to challenge you to an exhilarating round of 2004 trivia. We're calling, Who Was This 2004? I'm really excited. This is going to be good. And we're excited about this. What was the highest grossing movie of 2004? The highest grossing? I'm going to tell you in five seconds. Three, two.

Two. Austin Powers 3 Goldmember? Shrek 2. Fuck you. No. That was the number one movie of 2004? Unless these cards have been like the other cards tonight. That's crazy. What won the Oscar that year? Let's keep talking. Okay.

Spider-Man? Spider-Man 2. Spider-Man 2. Here's a clip. Speaking of sequels. Yeah.

Which 2004 animated movie was the first sequel ever nominated for an Oscar for Best Animated Feature? Fucking Shrek 2? It was Shrek 2. Wow. Speaking of Shrek 2, who voiced the ugly stepsister in Shrek 2? This is crazy.

Wait, can I tell you something I love about these categories? Yeah. Animated movies are such a good time capsule of who was like famous in that year, the two years before the movie came out because that's when they record the voices for it. Can I tell you something? Yeah. When you answer this, don't think of it like that. Oh. Where's the ugly stepsister? Oh. Margot Robbie? Larry King. Oh.

Margot Robbie in 2004. You see, I need to have someone take care of who's the guy. Oh, wait. That is why that movie is so good. That's pretty great. Who's the guy? They're so upset about our 9-11 conversation. They're still really mad at your... They're still traumatized. They're still really mad at Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

Someone goes, yeah! In the back. Shrek 2 came out moments after. Moments after. Moments after. Changing gears a little. Following the success of Shrek...

Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, and Mike Myers all negotiated an upfront payment of how much money to voice their characters again in Shrek 2. This is the amount of money that the three of them all got to do voice acting, which is you stand in a booth for a day. This is how much they got paid. It's more than, it's like five days. It's still not worth this. I've done, oh, okay. Yeah, check out my credits. I've done, no. No.

Wait, is this combined or each? Each. They made this each. $12 million. $10. $10 million to say waffles. It made a lot of money. I get it. I get it, too. Pivoting slightly, two animators had to create a whole new set of animation tools to successfully draw one character's fur, footwear, and feather-plumbed hat.

What character am I referring to? It's obviously Puss in Boots. Puss in Boots. An icon. A legend. But you know, of course, 2004 was more than just Shrek 2. Was it? Was it though? It was also an incredible year for music. What Bonnie Tyler hit, which also featured on the soundtrack of 1984's Footloose, appears twice on the Shrek 2 soundtrack?

You don't need a villain. You need a... He, I need a hero. Yes! Shrek 2 was selected to compete for the highest honor at the 2004 Cannes Film Festival, an award that went to the Michael Moore... It went to Cannes? It competed for the Palme d'Or. Shrek? 2. 2. You saw that clip. I'm... Who's the guy? So...

This award, it competed for the Palme d'Or. It's ridiculous. It went to the Michael Moore documentary Fahrenheit 9-11. What was that award called? The Palme d'Or. I gave you the answer. Do I know a quick fun fact? This is not funny, but my husband was an intern on that movie. Shrek 2? Yeah. Thank you, Rachel. Grab tickets to death. Let me do my show at Rachelboom.com.

Is it .comi.io? Yeah, it's Comi. It's this website that combines everything. I have a show called Death Let Me Do My Show. It's going up at the Williamstown Theater Festival, and it's also going up at Steppenwolf in Chicago in August. One of the world's most talented people, Rachel Bloom. Everybody, when we're back, these Katie cats go purr. Thank you.

Hello, it's me, Matt Rogers of Lost Culturistas fame. I'm at Crooked this week and my handlers have informed me I must, must, must promote their podcast, Keep It, even if Louis and Ira are my sworn enemies and rivals. Still, I can't pretend they don't give good podcasts. I might be beautiful, but I am not a liar. Either way, new episodes of Keep It drop every Wednesday, so be sure to watch and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. And if you don't, well, that's on you now, isn't it?

It's been an absolute delight to guest host for you all, and Lovett went back to host his tour stops in North Carolina on June 19th, 20th, and 21st. The team has given me the honor of announcing the fantastic lineup, so let's go! In Charlotte, Lovett will be joined by Tressie McMillan Cottom and Dante Pittman. And then for his two nights in Asheville, Lovett will be joined by T.S. Madison, Jeff Jackson, Justice Allison Riggs, and T.S.

Please welcome back the rest of my guests, Asif and Atsuko. Come on out here, you guys. I've invited you all here for one last game, one that cuts to the heart of these modern times. That's right. It's You're So Straight. You're so straight. Wow.

So we pulled 10 straight cis men. I love your hair in this. About a very important topic. Each of you will take one of these whiteboards and markers, which I guess are here. Okay. Yeah. And where did you find these 10 men? So...

Where are these 10 men? These are 10 straight cis men. Where did you find 10 straight men? Who work at Crooked. Who work at Crooked? They work at Crooked. They were able to find 10. Sorry, is this poster a pop culture reference? I don't understand. Yeah, that's sort of her in all her iconic videos. Oh, I got it. It's all Katy Perry's. Okay, got it. Okay, so there's 10 straight men that work at Crooked. I'm going to read what's on the card, and this time I swear to you, you're going to want to listen. You're telling me...

I thought only 10 people worked at Cricket Media. And they're all straight. You've had a very difficult time following the logic of this show. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. No, my mind is so blown. I have to believe the premise. Okay, no, no, I believe it. I believe it. So do I. Yeah, because I've met the staff and I was like, okay. We polled...

We polled 10 straight cis men that work at Crooked about a very important topic. Each of you will take one of these whiteboards and a marker. I'm going to ask you questions, and you tell me how many straight cis men out of 10 answered yes to each question. Why can't we just tell you? Why do we have to write it down? Because we want to make it fun. Oh, okay. I just didn't know if it was secret. Can I say something? They went to office.

this depot. I had it with all three of you. They already bought it. SF's stopping difficult. There are 10 straight men at Cricket and Cricket Media. Just do the thing, I didn't interview them. I was just told this. All right. I'm sorry. I'm going to ask you questions. You tell me how many straight cis men out of 10 answered yes to each question. Okay, great. The topic for this week's You're So Straight, it's Katy Perry in honor of her recently announced departure from American Idol. Okay? Okay.

Okay. Ten straight guys in the Crooked office were asked the following questions. Y'all ready? Here we go. Okay. Remember, you're writing down how many straight cis men who work at Crooked say yes to these questions. The winner will receive a mysterious prize. Ooh. Do we get a prize if we go faster and we're correct too? No. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. How many straight cis men said yes to this? Did you know Katy Perry was married to Russell Brand? How many straight guys out of ten knew that?

Answers? Let's go. Okay, all of them. All of them knew Russell Brand and Katy Perry. Asif says seven, Rachel says seven. The answer was seven. Yes! Really? I know my streets. Asif, did you know that Katy Perry was married to Russell Brand? Yes, I did. Okay, so you are in the 70%. I am, yeah. Did you know Katy Perry is an owner of Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar? Oh. This is true. Well, if we didn't know...

Osco says one. Yeah. Osco says zero. Rachel, one. The answer is zero. Really? No straight guys knew that. Listen to that. I mean, I just have to go with my brain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I know it, then they know it. If I don't know it, they don't know it. Iconic straight male sentence. I just have to go with my brain. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Damn. The question was, did you know Katy Perry was a Christian artist before becoming a pop star? Did straight men know that? If so, how many out of the 10 that work at Crooked? A kind of gay thing to do. Yeah. Are you just... No, I'm just copying. Awesome. Three. Rachel, three. I say four. You say four. Five. Five.

Closest. Asuka with the point. Asuka has the point. Yes. Okay. All right. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Half of straight men knew that. Did you know Katy Perry owns a line of sober seltzers for moms? Oh. Can I say something? I went to the LA release party of this sober seltzer for moms. You did? On a date with a gay man. Oh my God.

Katy Perry had her daughter with the last name Bloom very close to when I had my daughter. Whoa. And there was a moment where I thought she was going to steal my baby name, and she didn't. Well, she picked Daisy because she had a song called Daisies. So that's sort of where Katy Perry's at. And my daughter's also named after one of my songs, You Ruined Everything, You Stupid Bitch. Okay. Okay.

So how many knew the Sober Seltzers? I love my daughter. Are we all promoting something? I don't have songs, but... Oh, one. One, zero, zero. You guys get point zero. Men knew that. Yeah. Well, who's researching this stuff? I thought at least...

the one is the one that had to come up with this game. I mean, so I... I came up with the game. Oh, you all. I came up with the game and I'm about as gay as the day is long. I knew it. This is self-promotion because you got invited to that seltzer event. You wanted to talk about it. If you think the self-promotion stopped there, you're wrong. Did you know that a nun died? What?

During a lengthy legal battle over Katy Perry's right to buy a Los Feliz convent for herself.

Right. The nun's last words were, please, Katy Perry, stop. No. Yes. This is real. She died in the courtroom. Yeah. But. Yes. Yeah. How many straight men knew that? Yeah. Well, okay. We have to go based on how surprised Asif was, right? Yeah. I think so. So I guess. One. They knew news over there. Zero. Three straight men knew this. Rachel, you get the point. Wow.

I mean, from Christian artists to killing nuns. It was kind of a huge deal. That's crossing over. That's what that is. Did you know Katy Perry endorsed Rick Caruso for mayor of Los Angeles? Oh, yeah. How many straight men agreed with I Mean Knew That in the crooked office? Well, straight... Ten, six... This was big on Twitter and straight men are on there, right? Eight.

The answer was six. Dang. Oh, wow. Good work. Straight brain. Straight brain. Okay. I just want to say I love my daughter. Oh, yeah. That was the important question. Just in case she was listening to this podcast, that was a joke. This is what being a parent should be. I think she turned it off during the 9-11 stuff. She thought it was in bad taste.

Okay, the question. Did you even know Katy Perry was on American Idol? How many straight guys out of 10 said yes to that? Asif, did you know this? I'm going off base. I did know that. I did know that she... So I'm going to... Yeah. Okay. And he's every straight man. Based on what you said. We have three from Rachel. We have eight from Asif and nine from Atsuko. The answer was eight. Wow. Wow.

This next one. This is really backfiring on the women on the panel. Did you know Matt Rogers was in a Katy Perry music video? How many of them knew that? You were? Yeah. Which one? You're going to see. I knew it. 106. Asif, your finger is on the pulse. No one knew that. Here's a clip of me.

By the way. Okay, bowl cut. That is Atsuko's hair. That is beautiful. Okay, bowl cut. And by the way, that is friend of the pod, Mitra Johari over there on the right. Oh, wow. This is a music video for Katy Perry's Not the End of the World off her album Smile. I see. Okay. It's going to be her second kid's name. No one knew that.

Smile Rogers. She's naming the kid after me. Smile Bloom. Smile Rogers. Speaking of Rogers, 10 straight men at Crooked were asked, do you know who Matt Rogers is? Do you know who that is? Yes. Ten. All ten. They have to. It's a hate crime. Otziko says ten. Osso says none because he didn't know who the fuck I was. And Rachel says two. The answer was three.

Oh, three? The three closeted guys out of the ten. I was going to say some of them have wives. Yeah. And finally, did you know that Katy Perry... You know, wives. We make our husbands go down on us. Wives. And listen to Las Culturistas. Eat my pussy and listen to Las Culturistas. Yes. Yes.

That sounds awful. And finally, did you know that Katy Perry once coincidentally dressed like the fairy godmother from the Shrek franchise? How many of these straight guys knew that? Zero. Two. And two. Asif and Atsuko both get the point. It was two.

And Asif is the winner. That is so funny. You get a prize, Asif, for winning the game. You get this bottle of delicious Bragg's apple cider. Yes! This is owned by Katy Perry. You can use it for anything. It's general health.

Congratulations. Well, say something. Say something. Say something, Asif. I'm so honored to receive this apple cider vinegar. It's unpasteurized, so definitely, I mean, yes. I will leave this outside the theater. You love that. On the sidewalk. I want to thank everybody on the stage. Now get out of here and go live your teenage dream, everybody. Yeah.

And now, because we all need it, here it is, the high note. Hey, Love It. It's Shawna from Washington State calling. My high note for the week is that we just got done listening to this week's episode of Love It or Leave It. And as I was driving around listening to it, I hear my 18-month-old daughter from the backseat in her car seat go, Shoot her!

when the theme song was going on. I don't know if this means that the indoctrination of the next generation is going well or if she just loves the song, but it was really fun to listen to the podcast and the song with my daughter and see how much she enjoys it as much as I do. Hi John, it's Madeline in New York City.

I just uploaded and submitted the last two assignments of my master's degree and since I am going to school online, all I got is a submission received email. For all of its perks, going to school online can feel pretty anticlimactic, so I thought I'd call you to celebrate.

During the pandemic, I hit pause on my childhood dream of being a famous Broadway actress to pursue my other lifelong love, being a children's librarian. And then over the past two years that I've been in school, we've all watched as Republicans, small-minded people, and even the freaking mayor of New York City have taken resources and freedoms away from the hardworking people who are just trying to get books into the hands of the people who need them most. Now that I'm officially a master of science in library and information science,

I'm excited to join the cause. Stop banning books. No more cuts to libraries. And hopefully I'll be calling you back in a few weeks to tell you I got a job. Thanks for everything you do. Bye.

Thanks to everybody who sent in a high note tonight. If you want to send us a message about something that gave you hope, send a voice memo to lolihighnotes at gmail.com. That's lolihighnotes at gmail.com. Or if you're a Friends of the Pod subscriber, you have the exclusive ability to leave us your high notes without the hassle of a call or email. Simply head on over to the Friends of the Pod Discord server and post a comment or voice memo in the hashtag loveitorleaveitchannel or hashtag highnoteschannel for the rest of the day.

for a chance to hear it featured on the show. Yes! That's our show. Thank you so much to Asif Manvi, Atziko Akatsuka, and Rachel Bloom. There are 163 days until the 2024 elections. Have a great night and have a great weekend!

Love It or Leave It is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Chris Lord is our producer. And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, Will Miles, and Mohana Del Shiki are our writers. Evan Sutton is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. And we're your listeners.

And Milo Kim is our videographer. Our theme song is written and performed by Sure Sure. Thanks to our designer, Bernardo Serna, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, and Matt DeGroat for filming and editing video each week so you can.

It's Love It or Leave It.

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