Uprooted | S2E8 | What We Do in the Shadows
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. You know, I'm Peggy, and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. Ah!

My boy's alive! He and presumably all of his friends are alive! We're gonna get you a nice place to stay, you're gonna stay out of trouble, and then I'm gonna move on with my life. It's dangerous through Nookington, it's dangerous through the woods, and it's dangerous next to the river. What I saw that night I never want to see again. What did you say? I saw the ocelot.

Were you listening to the scribing? Yeah, you did! He just told you! The moonlight catch on a glinting... There's an enormous creature hiding...

behind a tree, but the tree is maybe a quarter of the width of the bulk of this enormous hulking monster. You see that it's looking at you. A broad grin of horrific sharp teeth. I look to your problem land and I say, "There's nothing I can't do, right?" He's like, "Don't panic. What I want you to do is calmly get Bitsy and Peggy. I'm gonna get Jean-Claude and my dad."

and get ready to run. There's a monster! It's the Ocelot! And it's a massive boulder is flying from the direction of the beast towards your camp. The Ocelot and its horrific centipede minions attack. Booker is screaming at you to get north.

Cat Awards! Cat Awards! The three of you are awoken as you hear the skittering of these massive centipede-like creatures all rushing towards you. This was supposed to be a fun Halloween-themed thing back in October. That's right. I don't know if you remember this. Oh, exactly. Yeah, that's why I like this book he was. Yeah, look, Joe.

We were telling ghost stories. Halloween themed. We were telling ghost stories. January spooky times. January spooky times. As you start, as you all, the three of you wake up, as what are you all doing as you, this massive rock is rocketing towards you as another one crashes through. And I'm going to see, I don't have any dice. Here I do. I'm going to see if it even comes close. Oh God.

Oh no. It does. I need everyone in the camp to make a dexterity saving throw. A massive boulder rockets through. I got a crooked moon. A natural. You got a crooked moon? Gotta give it up. I got a 19. Okay. Not bad. So that'd be a 24. 24? 16. 25. 16? Well done. What the fuck? You're level three. 25. The adventurous array does work. I got an 11.

Oh. Natural crooked man. Natural crooked man, I love that. Is it in front of my characters? What is a natural fucking-- What was crooked? Oh, I'm not signed in. Grumly, where's your iPad?

Oh, it's downstairs. I should have gotten it, but I didn't think about that. You're the CEO. I know, I know. Why would you let it leave the studio? Stop taking studio equipment out of the studio. I was working downstairs. That's a security risk. That's a security risk. You take 32 points of bludgeoning damage. 62. 32, you're fucked. I'll protect you, but... No, no, the moment... No, but I'm late! I would immediately turn back. No!

I would turn back and try to pick him up. I don't care what happens. I don't care what happens. I would try to immediately pick up his broken body. Are we close enough to see this? Yeah, you're over there. Sling him over my shoulder and begin to run. Is he like, are you red mist? Like, what happened?

Are you fucked? I think I'm down. You're definitely down. No, I'm down. I'm down. I had like, wait, how many points? I have 24. I have 31 hit points. No! Immediately. Immediately. I'm out. I'm out. Okay, I pick you up and I begin to move you. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh yeah, do you have any way to land? Wait, wait, wait. Are we, wait, hold on. Hold on. D&D, we're playing some D&D. If we're actually playing D&D, hold on. We are playing D&D. Hold on, 31.

Although, I'm gonna throw this out there, this would be literally perfect with the Borg engine. I know! It would be! We should talk about it. Yes, we should. I'm a Borg man now. Hold on, hold on, hold on. If I go to features. I've been converted, I'm a Borg man. With D&D Beyond, folks! Okay. As you hear the skittering, I mean, shittering of... The shittering?

As these horrific things that were living in the fur of the ocelot are shluffing off of it like bad, disgusting scabs from beneath its fur, as they are these scabby, horrible, horrid centipedes that are skittering towards you. So, if we're playing by these rules, my stat block is technically a half orc.

and I have Relentless Endurance. - You do. - When you are reduced to zero hit points but not killed, you can drop to one HP instead once per long rest. - Pug fat. - Yeah, 100%.

Oh, I stop what I'm doing and I immediately run back to Grumly and I help you up. No, get up! Get up, Grumly, get up! No, no, put your arm around me, we have to run! And I'm gonna start dragging him. I'm gonna start dragging him with me. My jaw is like, totally just dislocated. It's like, no, your flat face is even flatter. Oh my god. It's con game now. Come on, do some magic, come on!

Well, where is it coming from? It's very clear. The rock just smashed Grumly and then flew and continued to smash through the woods in the direction. All right. Well, how far out do you think they are? We've got to follow the direction that rock came from. Wait, we're going to go towards the rock? You very clearly see Booker and Grumly running away from the rock. North towards Lickington. Come on. It's going to be okay. I got you. I got you, buddy.

You got any of the matches? Hide us, we'll do some damage, we're so scared! No, I mean, I suggested a couple of things today, I'm feeling quite tapped out. What are you gonna run? Are we going towards the rock? Oh my god! I'll run following, I immediately catch up to them too, I'm incredibly fast.

So you're attempting to run. As you begin booking, as you hear their . They try to skitter up the trees and they're all jumping all around you. It's like in our one hangout stream where we said if you were being chased by 100 bitseys, how nightmarish in the woods that would be. - That's awful. - It's exactly what that would look like. As they are chittering and laughing and following you, as you turn back and you see that horrid grin on the ocelot with its strange hands,

as it looks for another boulder. You hear a stomp as it begins to pursue you, as you begin to run. However, you realize

that Beauregard is nowhere near the camp. Fuck that guy. Oh no. There's nothing that can be done. He's a walking death trap. Why'd you stop? No, I didn't stop. Why'd you squeaky cut him? You told us to... It's not time! It's not time! No, I alerted him. I told him. I told him. I told him my daddy had to come. He can't run. He's shooting himself. Why are you trying to run and shoot yourself at the same time? It's

He's an adult, man! He can figure it out himself! He's an adult! Run! Run! Oh, I feel me back in cheese! And dysentery! Don't forget the dysentery! You're leading. I need you to make a survival check to see how well you get-- Plus two. Plus two? I'm going to need everyone to make either an athletics or acrobatics check to see if you can outrun. It's dark.

Even though I probably have some level of darkvision, I'm disoriented. We're under duress. We're under attack. I got a 13. It's hard for me to really know what we're doing. Are we playing 2024? We are playing 2024. Sorry, calm down. I just rolled a natural one, which in addition to my lucky halfling feat feature allows me to re-roll it anyway. I gain heroic inspiration automatically. Oh, yeah. Keep that in. Is that still a thing? Yeah. Oh, cool. As far as I know.

So I get an 11. An 11, okay. Yeah, I'm too worried. I got a 13. I'm too worried about Gromley. I'm too worried about everything that's happening. That's your rival. Yeah. I got an 11 as well. Okay. Oh, 25. Okay. Oh, do I need to roll something else? Oh, I can roll for John Claude. Acrobatics or Athletics? John Claude fails horribly. Acrobatics, I got a 24.

24. What's his bonus? Probably very high. Athletics or acrobatics? 5 plus 5. So he got an 11, too. So three of us got 11. I turn because I see that he's dragging behind. I run around Booker and then come back and I try to grab Jean-Claude. We're in the same spot. Okay. As I will say... 25 here. Oh god, where's my notebook? Well, I'll use this. Let me roll for the centipedes.

- They got a natural one. - Words aren't gonna help, come on. - As you all go back and you realize that you are gaining distance, but they are keeping pace. You are not able to escape. As you run through and you see-- - We can see them? - They're kind of all around, they're towards the back and the moon is piercing through the canopy of this dark wood. You are able to see glimpses of them as they are skittering towards you.

I don't know what we're gonna do. All I got is this rusty knife with questionable stains on it. "What? What's that? What's that?" "Yeah, crumblies, okay, save your strength." "I think it's an ocelot." "Yeah, no, I think you're right." "I have a phobia of those." "Yeah, me too. I'm developing one."

You see that, you remember that you were keeping pretty close to the river. Can you pull up the map, Rich? That's right. And that's, I think, the other thing we were using to orient ourselves to try to go, oh, fuck, no. Yeah, we were like, we were like directly under Nozomi's arm. So, we're like right here. So you realize that you,

as you approach this clearing, there's a bunch of offshoots of creeks that basically you see up ahead that they're, you hear the babbling of a river, of a creek bed to your left. Up ahead, you see a clearing through the woods and to the right, you see a bit of a ravine that goes down. What direction are you all going towards as you see that, as you're trying to escape? So basically that would be south,

basically kind of more towards the south, directly west, and then kind of towards the north. You're saying one of these pathways does have a, what appears to be the woods are thinning, and there's some sort of clearing. There's a clearing up ahead, some sort of a small grove.

grove and the like. There's kind of more of a ravine or hollow to your right. That's more north towards Nookington. There's a creek bed towards your left, which is more south towards the river. I think I would stick to the plan of trying to go north and head towards this hollow, this ravine. The ravine? The ravine, yeah. I think that's what I would try to do. I don't think I would stray. I think that Booker would try to stick to the plan and go north. Try to get out of the woods as quickly as possible.

As the crow flies, as they say. Okay. You all make your way, and as you push through, you hear the skittering of these things. They are keeping pace. And you see now that this ravine, it starts to... It opens up and goes really deep and starts to actually get a little tight where you would have to go single file in order to proceed. And you would... I would...

ask that, how are you going to basically, are you going to cross? Are you going to go through? How are you going to approach this ravine that's ahead of you? I think what I would do is while I would make sure that Grumly is towards the direction that we need to go and that he's more or less safe. And I would turn around and basically plant my feet and look all around at these creatures that are, are, uh,

coming at us and I would look to see, do these centipedes, do they just look like centipedes or is there anything that's like-- No, you've seen in your woods of bugs or bugs are kind of like the livestock and the animals of the setting. And so you've seen centipedes of all varieties. These are mutated. They have the same simian grin.

and the simian-looking face of the ocelot. Do they look like they have ears? Yes, they have little ears too. I plant my feet and while hopefully Grumly is assessing some of the situation, I begin to look all around at these different creatures and I pick one and I point at it and I say, "You're the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life!" And I point to another one, "You're missing some of your legs!" I point to another one, "Your mom!" I point to another one, I start firing off vicious mockeries at these things. Okay. To the best of my ability, hoping that they can

hear me and maybe understand me and try to slow them down as this onslaught, this wave of creatures is bearing down on us. Your father never loved you! You look like you're missing some chromosomes! You can buy my popsicle anywhere! Come right now, let me handle this! I need you to make a general performance check for me. I'm going to roll a group saving throw for them.

Oh boy, with a plus seven, I got a 16. But because we're so desperate, I'm going to use one of my bardic inspirations to bump this up. Because I forgot that I could do that. Got to give it up. One bardic inspiration, 1d6. Come on, baby. Not bad. So that would be a 19 total with the bardic inspiration that I spent. 19 total. Okay. That is enough. As you start to hear them say, Gah! Gah!

As their heads are exploding! As they are shrieking! As they're exploding! As you see that gore and viscera from inside. Shockingly, you don't know what a human is, but human-like bones are exploding from these centipedes as they're falling from the trees. Why are they exploding? Go! Go! I'll handle them as far as I can! Go!

As if you're going to go into, are you guys going to leap across the ravine or go into it? That'll determine how. I'm like, you sort of set me on my way. Yeah. And I'm just like, I'm just going straight. I'm trying to go as straight as I can and I would just like tumble into the ravine. Okay. I wouldn't try to like leap. I wouldn't try to go around. I would go down and then up. Okay. Make an, everyone make an athletics or acrobatics check to see how well you navigate this thing. I'm going to wait to go.

until I see that they're making progress and then follow behind. Because I'm trying to hold these things off.

What are we rolling? Athletics or acrobatics, Jake? 13. 7. 25. 16. 21 for my athletics. For my acrobatics when it's time for me to cross. Okay. You do that and a grumly attempt to shimmy down and he actually tumbles and rolls over and you see him like a bowling ball start to roll down into the ravine and

Suddenly, he disappears into darkness as you are crumbling crack as the earth gives way underneath him and disappears into the darkness below. Grumly, you fall into darkness as the earth crumbles, as you fall into this strange network of tunnels that seemingly exist beneath this forest. Do I take any fall damage? You're currently falling. I'm currently falling? Grumly!

That was very, very hard to-- Hold on. Get in here, David. Grumly, Grumly, Grumly. Grumly's all done in the ravine, everybody. Are you okay? I'm gonna-- How have I flavored my Leon hands?

How have you flavored it? You've mentioned before that you were a combat medic, but I don't know if you've mentioned specifically Lay on Hands. Licking you. Yeah, that's great. When I tumble, I'm supposed to cover my head, so... I protect my head and neck. And only I know...

You're so dense! I can feel bad about this. I'll do five points. You should never have a dog protagonist. I'll do five points of healing. Five points of healing. I need you to make a dexterity saving throw disadvantage because of your current state. The rest of you, the four of you,

The centipedes are exploding. Actually, seeing the gore in the viscera, I'm going to do a bit of a break tech for these guys. We do... What do we do for Saltmarsh? It's not courage. Morale. We do morale checks in Saltmarsh. Your art sucks! You don't have any friends! They seem to be existential. You'll never be good at anything! Um.

As they realize that even despite being horrific creatures, the thought of just existing and having no purpose in life awaits all of us. Even horrible minions of the Ocelot. You're gonna die alone! As they start to get shaken, they slow down and pull back a little bit. It's working! It's working! How's it going down there? As you see that Grumly's gone. Grumly's still! The three of you see that. I'm on the other side of the ravine. I jumped.

What do you mean Bromley fell? He went-- he rolled down, he rolled a lot and he hit the bottom and then all of a sudden the bottom fell out and went down! Oh, you gotta be kidding me! And I guess I would go after him. Using my acrobatics roll of 21, I would attempt to climb down to see if my friend is a broken bag of bones. Jean-Claude, can you make people's heads explode by insulting them? I'll say I don't think so, I don't particularly learn that. Not a book into that!

I don't know, but it looks as though words aren't in fact helpful. I can't insult them to death, but I can throw a bunch of acid at them, so I'm going to pull out my acid sack. I'm just going to start acid splashing them, which is also a cantrip. If they're ones that are within five feet of each other, I can do two at a time. So I'm just, "You get some acid! You get some acid!" and I'm just going to throw it at them. Make an arcana check for me, just generally. Seven.

Seven, okay. Well, no, no, no, it's more than that. I just have to figure out. Twelve. I'm going to do a group saving throw. Twelve, twelve. Oh, as they start to fall, Booker, you go in grumbly. You fall down, you snap and hit, and what would you get on your saving throw? A four. A four. You get ten points of bludgeoning. Ah!

I'm Yom-Tad. I'm Yom-Tad. The earth, a plume of dust rises up from the underground tunnels as Booker-- My limp hands are still covering my head, but I'm not that cold. As you hear the screaming, the two of you hear,

- It's the essence! - I told you it was not the super croaker, so it's on my back and I'm like-- - That's right! - Oh! - Fix it! - Don't do the hammer! - Why are you pulling me? The table's over here!

Yeah, it is. It's a super croaker. And they're like, ah! As you see, as acid is hitting these centipedes, and their carapace, and human-like flesh is pouring away. Human skulls are being revealed beneath as they're collapsing, as they are being horribly massacred. I think I preferred the insult exploding antics. What are you saying, Vincent?

I can't hear you over the massive amounts of death. No, it's great. Also, I'll say we should have just killed that one guy. Shit is right. What I wouldn't give to just have Hootie, Hootie E-Mofish, Hootie T-Mofish to have.

As you're screaming, you see...

a look through the woods and you see this ocelot way behind. It has seemed to be protruding, or pursuing, but as you see it's looking behind a tree, its large, horrific eyes are looking at you, this glowing yellow, almost like two moons. We all see this. Well, you're kind of, it seems to be locking in on Jean-Claude as he's having this existential crisis. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. I fail, probably. I fail, almost certainly. Oh, golly. I'm definitely going to be a terrible kill, I just want you to know.

I believe it. I'm definitely in. Is that an ocelot? I'm going cuckoo bananas! I got a nine. You take ten points of psychic damage and you are paralyzed for one minute with fear. Oh no. He's like a fainting goat. He's like a fainting goat.

It's just going very well. I need you to make an acrobatics check to see how well you land into the darkness. Sure. Okay, you're catching John Claude? Yeah, I-- Good luck, I'm a lot of birds. He falls on me, and it takes me a moment for me to get enough leverage to scamper out, but I eventually do, and I see that he's completely paralyzed.

And then I just roll him down the ravine and start to follow down. Make an acrobatics. You do this. Peggy is standing, holding the line like that one mech from Matrix Revolution. Oh my god. Yeah.

That was awesome! Wow! Uh, 24. Uh, 24. Oh yeah, you are able to basically roll Jean Claude as he follows- I wouldn't be able to push him, but I have a powerful punch, so I just- There's actually a massive groove where Grumly rolled, and he slides down very easily like a, uh, like a golf ball down a mini-

I got a 13. 13. To get down to Grumly. Okay, you are going to take two points of bludgeoning damage. As I hit the ground, I look to see if I can find where Grumly is. You land on top of him. Grumly! Grumly! Oh, no! No, no, no, Grumly! No, no, no! And I'll kneel down beside him, and I'll cradle his head in my arms as I begin to sing softly in his ear. Once there was a way to get back homeward.

Once there was a way to get back home. Sleep pretty darling, do not cry. And I will sing a lullaby. As I cast Cure Wounds at a second level to try to bring him back. I can't do that. Four plus one is five, plus five is ten points of healing. I think you roll one more die now. Oh, really? Let me double check.

I'm probably not on 2024, so we'll just say it's one more. It'll be 13 points of healing. ♪ Golden slumbers fill your eyes ♪ I go on and on as this light begins to bathe him. One more even. ♪ Smiles awake you when you rise ♪ 16. Is that you? It's me! It's me!

- Somebody's singing the dung beetle. ♪ Sleep pretty darling do not cry ♪ ♪ And I will sing a lullaby ♪ - I think there's a nice song. - It's gonna be okay buddy, stay with me, stay with me. - Oh, as you suddenly hear a as you come to the second, as you're mid fall into the darkness.

I need you to make Nick stare at me. All three of you need to make Nick stare at you and say it yourself. I'm disadvantaged. Viti has just pushed John on top of you. Disadvantaged? Yes, yes. Oh, come on, please. Oh, pretty good. Not good enough. I got an 11. 13. The eight. Eight.

You each take six points of bludgeoning damage as you all tumble into each other. Jean-Claude falls on top of both of you as you tumble down. It's Bitsy, I need you to make an acrobatics check to see how well you jump into the cave. - 14. - 14, you are able to land very gracefully despite all of this. - I black widow pose and then I jump back up. - Hey, are you guys okay? - They're in a big pile.

Shhh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, sh

As Peggy is massacring them. Let's go! I'm like slowly tapping back towards the hole. And then I'm just going to frog leap into it. So I can jump 20 feet just automatically. And then the rest are... Make it like a battle to get advantage. As you leap back.

Did you overcome your paralysis? I just broke out of it. Nice! So, 12. 12. You are actually managed to land in the hole gracefully, and as you're doing that, you see all the centipedes, they're all rushing towards, as you're leaping back, they finally break through as they go towards the ravine. However, when they see that hole in the darkness, their eyes fill with fear. And they're like, ah!

They all scream and skitter away. I scared the shit out of them. They got so scared when I jumped in here. Wow, you're not looking so good. They were so scared when I jumped in here. Are you doing all right? They skittered away. They just ran away. What was that stuff you were spraying them with? Oh, it's my super broker. They were melting apart. Well, yes, magic. Oh, so your words made their heads explode. I don't understand. There's no time to question it. We got to make sure we're okay. We got to get out of here.

I say faces were melting off, heads were exploding, and Bitsy pushed me down into a deep dark hole. Well, you weren't going yourself. I feel chicken fried. Where are we? Have any of you guys ever seen the movie The Descent? No. What's that one about? Oh, you'll love it. I'll tell you guys about it later. Who's in that one? Is that the one with Kristen Stewart? No. Kristen Stewart? I'm thinking of something else.

How does-- my nose feels funny, how do I look? My face is gone. Oh, wow. Oh, that's not-- It's not that bad, it's all right, it's gonna be okay. It's gonna be all right. How much did you heal me for? 16 total points. I had to put a number on it. That's pretty good. You need to do one of these, like... Oh! Does that work? You know, if you just have your teeth removed and you get some of these and I pop out my teeth.

then you never have to worry about that kind of stuff ever happening again. Oh! Frangieftive? No, that's why I didn't use it. Holy smokes! Look at that! Just blunt. My nose pops back out as I'll use five more points of Lay on Hands. Beautiful. Oh! Oh!

I feel really kind of fine. You got them all? Did you get them? They're not coming in here. No, I horrified them so much that when I jumped in here, they were like, well, we're just going to give up, and they ran away. All right. Well, that's good news. Okay, all right. Good job. Which means we must be completely safe and in absolutely no danger down here. Do you think the ocelot will come down here? No, not at all. You should have seen how quickly they ran. I don't think it would fit. That's pretty big. The big one was really big. I don't think it can get down here either. I don't know. This hole's pretty large.

- We gotta get out of here. - Jean Claude came through like a hot dog down a hallway. - I'll say, what is that, man? What are you insinuating? - You know, like a hallway's really large and if you take a hot dog and you just throw it down a hallway, it just whoosh, like doesn't even hit the sides, it just slides.

The hallway would never even notice it was in it. I mean, I took up a little bit more space than that. I think the hallway, I mean, you know, I guess grumbling. Well, we're here, okay? We gotta find a way out of here. It's too dark down here and we gotta get out of here. We gotta get back up top. Can anyone see?

I don't have dog vision. Well, you know, technically it doesn't say that I have dog vision. No, I can't see. No, no, I do. I have dog vision. I have dog vision. Oh, oh. Oh, we know what he is. Basically, as a raccoon, I should definitely have it as a raccoon. I cast dancing lights. Oh, there you go. Oh, wow. And I just light all the candles on top of my hat. There we go. A little bit of magic. Is there a scene in Descent where we light a match and there's a bunch of horrible monsters around us? Do you have any matches? Joke's on you. We are the monsters.

I've got this rusty knife with questionable stains. Why do you keep saying that? Because it's my inventory description. It's funny. No, all right. Whatever makes you happy. Wait, what are your dancing lights? They just have candles in the brim of my hat and I just light them. Oh. Oh. Well, now I can see. I'm going to look around. Make your perception check at disadvantage. My internet is really struggling. Oh, maybe I do have darkvision.

Either way. Now I can see better. Actually, I've decided to have a jar of lightning bugs. I like that one better. I let them loose and they illuminate. 12th.

That's very cool. 12. You look around and you see that you are in a cave. You can hear the skittering and the rumbling of the ocelot from above. But you look and you see that this cave system seems to go in all directions around you.

As you see, you just hear the faint dripping of water, but it is incredibly dark. And each tunnel that goes deeper into the earth seems to yawn almost. Gosh. It's so nice to find a place that's safe. We're in like some sort of underground rock tunnel system. My condolences, Booker.

You know, he was right there. I warned him. He was screaming. He woke everybody up. We took off. He was right behind me. And next thing you know, he wasn't. No, I'm sure he's okay. Don't say that. There was no way someone could run away from that with so much shit in their pants. I'll say he's totally dead. It's impossible for someone to survive that. No, your dad's not dead. Normally, I'd agree with them. You know, it's impossible for anybody to survive that situation, but...

You know, it's just he's unkillable. The man's unkillable. You know what he does feeling uncomfortable like something is about to happen? Oh, is it? It's dark in here, right? I have darkvision! Now, I also have darkvision. We all have darkvision. We have darkvision. I also have all of my magical illuminations. No, I just wanted God to know that I have darkvision. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. I don't know. Do you hear me, God? I think your dad might be okay. Look, I...

Worst things have tried to kill him. I mean, look, that was bad. Worst things have tried to kill him? When did you see that? That was bad. It wasn't pervert mansion bad, but that was bad. All right? We've seen some things. That was pretty bad. It was pretty bad. You had it worse than that? Pervert mansion? Pervert mansion was at least three times worse.

Then, then... It was bad. I say, then evil Ocelot's having the faces melted off, and you blowing up hands with words. That was just another day that ends in Y. The pervert mansion? That's a different tier. You don't even want to know about the pervert mansion. I should have stayed in the courtroom. Bitsy ate someone's penis. Well, eventually I spit it out, but... What do you mean, eventually? It took him, you know, a couple of chews.

You saw the evidence locker. It was locked ten times faster than that. See, that was definitely worse than whatever we just experienced. He won't even talk about it. He's able to talk about the ocelots, but he can't talk about the evidence locker. He got a glimpse of the unglimpsable. Once you've been in the outskirts of the Hollywood, you can really handle anything.

The ocelot and those weird scented human people, they were... What's a human people? What's a human? They were on us the whole time. They were focused on us. I think that your dad might have slipped away. That's actually a really good point. They might have been detracted by his smell. It's very possible. It's very possible. Their ears were on the sides of their heads. I've never seen anything like it. Oh, it was madness. Horrifying. Oh, man.

It was even worse when it was melting off. Sizzling, the popping, the smells. I'm glad I missed that. Anybody else hungry? A little. Not to eat. Which way should we go now? North, maybe. How many tunnels does there appear to be around us? Were you able to see-- I got a 12. A 12. I need to know more about what you're looking for. What are you trying to deduce? What are you trying to discern? Fair.

Maybe we should find that water tripping. What? Yeah, I mean, going to a source of water isn't a bad idea. I mean, we don't want to drink it out, right? I think we all learned that firsthand. I tried to warn everybody about the dangers of dysentery and giardia. But is this... Like, can't you drink natural spring? Like, as long as it's flowing or something, you can drink it, right? Look, I'm no survival expert. I don't claim to know anything. I just know that I don't want to eat mac and cheese made with dirty river water. Well, that proved to be true. Yeah. That's...

We have to face the possibility that we'll never get out of here and that we'll starve and die. I saw a map of the woods once and it was missing people overlaid with the cave system and they matched right up. You knew there was a cave system here? Yeah, I mean, it's right underneath Nookington. It's called Nookington.

And it swallowed people up just like it swallowed us up. Yeah. So we're going to go missing forever? No, of course we're not. Well, at least I'm not. Oh, your dad can file a missing persons report. Oh, he'll never do that. That'll never fit. Until he realizes that we might have money and can bail him out of trouble, we won't even cross his mind. Look, four out of five people who go missing in caves live. So we're fine. Well, some of us will be fine, statistically speaking. I think...

Most likely Grumly's gonna be the one that goes missing. Me?! And then next is gonna be Jean-Claude. I feel already I'm missing. I don't know when I'm lying. Sadly, I hate to say it, but Booker's probably next because he's the most heroic of the both of us. And then it's really just the coin toss between me and you. I don't have any coins. Yep, I'm surviving. So, do we want to go towards that water or not? Well...

Even if we do go missing forever, we could start a society down here. Oh, and, you know, build some little, like, cave huts out of, like, you know, broken wood like they did in Pinocchio inside a whale's stomach. Are we aware of the existence of moles? Oh, that's a good question. I would say make a history check straight. That's very interesting. Twelve. Twelve. I would say...

You know, you've never met a mole. You maybe have heard about people talking about... Rumors. Yeah, rumors. Listen. Yeah? I heard a rumor once. Moles. I got one of those on my ass. Not like that. It's like a mole, like a creature that digs tunnels just like these, maybe. Rumors. Who knows if they're true or not. Would I have... Oh, apparently a mole was mentioned in Season 1, Episode 3.

So I guess you know of moles, maybe. But I've never met one. Yeah. I've never met a mole. Thanks for just making that up, Chad. Didn't just snakes exist in Uprudan? Probably. You know snakes also do this too, right? They can swallow each of us whole. The point is we might not be alone down here. I hate snakes. Are you saying there's a chance that that ocelot wasn't in fact afraid of us? Oh no, he was definitely afraid of us.

Okay, well... In the event that he wasn't... No, it was definitely me. Could there be something else down here? Is that what you're saying? Certainly. But if it's moles, they might help us. They can get us out of here. Do we know if moles are good or bad? Well, I've never heard anything bad about them, just that they may or may not exist. I think they wear, like, fancy clothes with billowy sleeves. You think?

And, like, the little boots that are pointy at the end, you know? Wouldn't that get in the way of digging? This puffy sleeves would not, would impede the digging. Dan, why would you dress like that if you're down in the middle of the ground where it's super dark and no one can see what you're wearing? Then they'd get dirty. No, I don't think they dig. I think they just live down here. Oh. How do they make the holes, then, if they're not digging? Oh, I don't know. They're probably just here the whole time.

The holes were here first? The holes were here the whole time. I mean, we didn't dig these holes and here they are. Then who dug the holes? Nobody. They were just there. What's more ancient than the mole people? Who moles the mole men? What? Whoa! That's deep. Whoa. Whoa. We don't have enough information. We're just speculating. That's true. What else are we going to do? We're in the middle of a mole hole down in here. I said it was just a rumor. A mole hole.

Pick a direction and let's go. Do you guys want to write a song about moles? Maybe. See if inspiration strikes. I don't know. Well, towards the water then. Did you hear that, by the way, when I was just completely annihilating their faces with my super croaker? Someone was singing the dung beetles. I say no. I was paralyzed by fear. It was beautiful, too. Pushed down a hole. I didn't hear a daggone thing.

It was lovely. It propelled me forward to continue to incinerate. Seems like a strange time to be singing songs. Yeah, who would do that? That's crazy. Terrible Eldritch Ocelot abominations are throwing giant boulders at us. That's nuts, but you know, when inspiration strikes, it just does. I would purchase a ticket for that person's concert is all I'm going to say.

Well, I mean, it could be a great concert. I'm just saying, I'd sacrifice my seat if Ocelot started to attack the arena it was held within. I'm sorry that I pushed you down the hole in your paralyzed state. Well, it's okay. I don't even remember. Are you hurt? I was so stricken by fear, my whole brain turned off. Are you hurt? Yes, quite a bit. Where are you hurt? My most of me.

Stop it! Stop it! He has hollow bones! I push all these people, it's like a massage person. There you go. I'll say that, that's quite nice. I thought that might help, my pleasure. Well, thank you, Benson. How much did that help? Nine. That's pretty good. All right, fearless leader, lead the way.

Yeah. Lead us as we build a new civilization on the ground. Also, teach me the secrets to how you can say words to people and then their head explodes. Or we can just go to sleep right here, because I'm still tired. We will be the mole people now. You're a pug. Yes, but in spirit. I don't want to be a mole. I need the sun. I don't want to live on the ground. I feel like a puppy shirt would cut off a lot of your neck. I don't think it would be a good look for you. Oh.

Well, it depends. Maybe there's one that's a nice deep V, you know? That would compliment my large-- Like with a frilly collar, you think? Oh, frilly! I think a mole would wear that. I could be a mole person. Are you going to wear some nice cuffs? Oh, with the little frilly bits, too. Oh, yeah. Yes, and the pointy boots. I've got to find one of those. What about a codpiece? Have you ever thought about a codpiece? I've always wanted one of those. I think this is perfect. They only gave us mackerel pieces in the army. I think--

I've always aspired to more. Happy birthday, David Bowie. Well played. That was some chat. I listen for the sound of the dripping water that Bitsy has mentioned. Make a perception check. Straight. Come on. Ten. A ten. What I will say is that it is the way that this cave is echoing.

the water is bouncing, but what I will tell you is that it seems as if, as you kind of look around and you take your time, that you feel like there are basically three different primary major tunnels that you can choose. But beyond that, it sounds like the water could be coming down any one of those three. With only a 10, you're not able to discern anything more. - I can't hear which way the water's coming from. It sounds like it could be anywhere. - It kind of echoes in here. - It does.

I think we should just go to sleep. It echoes? Echo, echo, echo. I'm just saying the word echo over and over. Echo, echo, echo. Oh, it does echo again. Echo, wow. Wow. That's crazy. That's crazy. It's like, is that what I really sound like? Is that what I really sound like? Yeah, that's what you sound like. That's almost a perfect replication. Anyone notice how Bitsy's the only one getting an echo? That's because I'm yelling. Ah! Let's go in the direction of echo. Whoa, whoa.

We're going the direction of the echo. It sounds like it's coming from everywhere. Yeah, but I yelled in this direction. Oh, so we should go that way. Let's go this way. That's a good direction, Asami. Here we go. It's got to be better than here. And we go the direction that is that way, and the way that the echo is coming from, and that Grumly also pointed in. I am going to need... It's essentially a random direction. If you'd like us to roll... Someone can roll a d3 for me. I got you. Yeah. One.

As we walk, we pass Gandalf giving a heartfelt speech to a young hobbit while Gollum watches, but we don't interact with them. We just continue walking. Okay.

That seems like a personal moment. If you watch the movie, you can see us in the background. This weird cartoon cast of characters just way in the back. One in five, we don't want to give them an opportunity. Yeah, that's right, that's right. Gotta increase our odds. Walk. But the dark forest fury. You know about the dark forest fury? Very, very, very. Pixie. Yeah?

We gotta take him out. We gotta take him out. We have to. Young Master Chubb. Remember we were just talking about your dark forest spirit earlier tonight. Just be real quiet. I'll be right back. All right, all right. It's like a very tall... What kind of animal would Gandalf be?

He would be a... He would be a crow. A stormcrow. I was gonna say a stork. I was thinking an owl. An old gray... Yeah, Gandalf Stormcrow. Yeah, he is an old crow. He's gray. He has gray feathers. As he's leaning over this small woodland...

A shrew. A shrew? Yeah, a shrew. Oh, yes. Oh, there's me. My name is Grandolph Stormcrow. I'm a wizard of sorts. Oh, I'm afraid of the dark, Grandolph. Neither of them hear anything, but all of a sudden you just see Bitsy's hands break both of their necks really fast.

- Probably crumbling around. - No, there is nothing to worry about. But I'm sure I saw that nasty rat and then, ah! - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. - Go to sleep, go to sleep. - And then I scurry back to Grumleth. - All right, we can go. - Oh, wow. - Take care of him. - Thank you, I'm proud of you. - What is the Dark Forest, Steven? - Well, we were just talking about it earlier today around a campfire, remember? - No.

Well, I feel better without them at our backs, I have to say. I'm glad you just walked over there and snapped my neck. That's exactly right. Well, if you encounter any stranger in the middle of the woods, it's the safest route to kill them before they can kill you. Also, I got this ring. It probably looks worthless, though. I suppose I... Then again... LAUGHTER Why shouldn't I keep it? LAUGHTER

I'm gonna add the one ring to my inventory.

You have a ring. It's a small golden ring. The next time we talk to Bitsy, Bitsy will just all of a sudden be like... It's not like that can happen to you. And it's so-so? That's very funny. We continue down the tunnel. The look of their dead eyes as you looted their bodies lingers for just a moment and you completely forget them.

I'll never forget. I remember everyone. Oh god. What do you mean you don't know what the one ring is, D&D Beyond? You continue to walk, and you begin to get tired as you realize you never finished your rest. You were attacked pretty...

Reasonably, as you go down tunnel number one, as you... as you begin to walk and walk and walk, how long do you walk before... How long are you seeking to walk down these tunnels that feel almost endless? I think that after we would walk for maybe a good 30 minutes, if we don't feel like we're making any progress or getting closer to the sound of the dripping, I would stop and reassess.

Guys, guys, guys. I don't think we're getting anywhere. This all sounds the same. It doesn't sound like it's getting closer. It doesn't sound like it's getting farther away. I'm really tired. And, Gals? It's everybody. It's all of us. It's fine. All right. What were you saying? I'm tired. We're not getting it. We're lost. At least where we were, we could see the above ground. Now we can't see anything. We can see the terrible Ocelot Abomination monster.

Well, we could. Now we can't. Now we're just underground. Well, this seems like as good a place as any to start our moment in civilization.

I don't want to live down here for the rest of my life. I'm with Jean-Claude. We need the sun. I don't think we have a choice at this point, Booker. We need food and water. We're missing persons, so we should accept our fate and make the best of it. No, we have to fight on. We can never give up. Yes, we'll never give up by building a civilization of Mormon. I'll say Peggy was right. He was the first one. LAUGHTER

What's that supposed to mean? I'm just saying, if you declare yourselves a missing person, I think that you are then, in fact, a missing person. Make a perception check at advantage. We might have to make camp. I don't know how much longer we can go on. We're pretty banged up. 19. Is it banged or bang? Banged up. It happened in the past. It already happened. We weren't banged. Include it if I can. Dryer.

- Colder, any sort of like monster things on the walls? - Certainly colder. - Colder, okay. - It feels colder as the cavern tunnels have seemed to open up a bit. As you listen, you hear that there's the faint dripping of water as it's gotten considerably colder. It almost is starting to get overly chilly. It's been an autumn, but it's almost starting to feel wintery down. As through this tunnel, as

Up ahead, you do hear what sounds like movement. The occasional skittering of something along the walls and the floor of this tunnel. And the almost the occasional... Does it sound like the skittering of the forest that we experienced with the ocelots or a different skittering? A different kind. I don't know. Do I hear the howl? Only Bitsy's heard it. Oh.

You guys hear that? No. No. At first I heard some, like, water dripping. It was like, like that. Oh, right. And then I heard some skittering, and it was like... Oh. And then I heard this, like... Oh, yeah, just like that. Oh, wow. Has anyone ever told you that you have a...

Wait.

Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't really control it. It's sort of just, you know, the music takes over and I just have to let my feelings out. No wonder the two of you are friends.

we get along well we got a lot in common yeah we're all friends yeah but you and booker got something a little special oh he's my best friend that's right no offense to the rest i mean that's okay none of us are really friends with john claude we just met the guy well i was gonna say that well we just met yes and he's regretting this decision immensely he's still one of my best friends purely professional no it's not no it kind of is no he's a dear friend of ours how

No offense or anything. Well, this is a little hurtful, but... I'm sure we'll get there in time, it's just... Well, we don't have to ask so many questions. We had a very lovely Italian dinner together. Yeah? He shit in the desk drawer of that car we don't want too much. That was pretty cool. I'll say that was a good one. Book a suggestion, of course. Teamwork, teamwork. Somebody had to do it. Have we ever slept through a night with you around?

He saved us from the hangman's noose. That's pretty good. I mean, I think I'm playing about that. I don't know how to tell you this, but they were building the gallows up there. They were. They were. And you got Booker off a lot. Quite a bit. Well, just the one time, really. That's all it takes, though. All you need is once. Grumling. Can you roll a performance check for that pal? Oh, performance check. Oh, no. I think my charisma's pretty good, actually. You are a pal, I believe it. Performance, you said. Oh, hold on. I did it.

Sometimes he gets a little hooked up. Performance is a... That's a 15. 15? Oh, okay. Okay, not bad. Just... Noted. So, what do we think? Is this a good place for us to try to, you know, bunk for the night? Break ground on our first... You really can't get that out of your head. I mean, what else are we supposed to do? We try to find a way out, Brumley.

Oh, there's no hope. Forever, you ever bitsy said. There's not enough of us to start a civilization. Yes, there is. The second generation would be okay, but after that... Monstrous. It would be a nightmare. Genetic mistakes left and right. Yeah. Well, they must have solved that at some point. Who, they? The maybe interesting old people? We don't even know if they're real. I want to go to bed. Oh.

I really don't want to create a second generation with any of you. So can we just go to bed? I've got a veil and we can all just curl up. I mean, what? We would create a frug. Can you imagine the abomination that would...

Hmm. How would that happen, though? How do you create a second-generation book? A fracoon! That would be absolutely terrible. I know what you're thinking about. That's a story for another day, probably. The best chance that we have is a fricking, and I don't want one of those either. Oh, no. Oh, wait, you're a fru-- we'd be "froosta," right? Well... A roost is just a male chicken. This is gonna give me nightmares. Me too. Can we go to bed? We can go to bed. We need to--

Hey, hey, hey, keep it down! I don't know what that is! I don't know that! I don't mean to! You're a distant house.

coming in the direction that you're heading, as it echoes through the chamber as a very deep howl. Oh, it's Warwick. Oh, you know someone down here? Oh, it's Warwick. What the hell does that mean? We'll see the light first, and then there's a bunch of smiles. No! How can a dog live down here? Well, I mean, we can see in the dark, obviously. We've got good noses, so we can sniff out food.

I bet there's a whole civilization of dog mold people down here. We should keep going. I don't know. We shouldn't go to bed now. How do we know that there are any good? Yeah, can you sense the intent of the howl? Does it feel ferocious and threatening, or is it like a welcoming, like, ooh, go on in? How do I perceive it? Make an insight check at advantage on account of being a dog. I think that's a 13. Wait, let me double check. Insight use, oh, I'm proficient in that. 15. 15. You listen.

And as you listen, you think about all the dogs that you've known and you can tell this certainly isn't a dog. Wait a minute. Well, now that I think about the camber and sort of the kind of guttural at the end of the hound, I don't think that's a dog. What? What do you mean it's not a dog? It howls like a dog. Sounds like one, right?

Would I have heard wolf howl? Is it a thing? Would I know about wolves or coyotes? I would say that you would probably know that this is very much the howl of a wolf. I don't know if you would have met a wolf, but you would have like... It's kind of like how Fantastic Mr. Fox thinks of wolves are...

They're really cool. Oh, guys. What? I think it's a wolf. What the fuck is a wolf? Oh, you've never heard of a wolf? No. They're like dogs, but way cooler. They're like the original dogs, but they're so free, like nothing holds them down. They don't even have to wear clothes. I mean, that sounds like a good thing. That sounds amazing.

Oh, nothing holds them down like laws of decency or animal conduct? No, not at all. To be fair, none of us have to wear clothes. It's a choice. Well, it's just animal decency. Okay.

But my point is, they're free. They can do whatever they want. Well, it sounds like we're in good company then. What are they doing in a cave if they can do whatever they want? Maybe they want to start the first dog civilization too. So are they kind? Do we have anything to worry about? Oh, it would be fun. I mean, I've never met one.

but I've heard all about it. But you know that they're kind and welcoming and they're not like ocelots where you just know. Yeah. And they don't ever crash into houses and eat roosters.

Nothing like that. At elementary dog boarding school, we used to like, you know, stay up late and read stories about them, sort of like in the same way, like, we think of them kind of like, you know, today, what we would think of like Cro-Magnon or like Neanderthals, you know, they're sort of like our forebears. I don't know the word fucking human.

No, never heard that. Never heard that in all our lives. Are they the kind of creatures that are going to, like, welcome us into their home and offer us a pot of stew? Or are they going to huff and puff and blow a piggy's house down or something?

No, no, I think that there's dinosaurs and volcanoes and they eat like these really big ribs. But when they drive their cars and they get their ribs on like the tray, for some reason they have a tray on the side of their car, their whole car flips over. What are you talking about? You've lost me. I don't know what you're talking about anymore, Grimly. You're saying the wolves are dinosaurs. No, no, no. They have the dinosaurs as like...

but also weirdly appliances, like kitchen appliances. Wolves have dinosaurs as kitchen appliances. Yeah, so like a-- Cave madness. Cave madness is taking over Grumly. You have like a toilet-- Don't forget there's a man in orange. In the house. Let's go find Blondie. But instead of a toilet, it's like the mouth of a dinosaur.

I'm sorry, they're pissing in a dinosaur's mouth. Yeah, it's weird. Are we going to the wolf or not? I don't want to go to anything. And they say, it's a nerd. What sounds like the skittering of many legs of an enormous creature and the intense rattling of wood as if wheels on stone, as you see an enormous black shape in the distance that seems to be getting larger. And you hear, ooh!

Coming, sounding much larger and closer. Something's coming. So we gotta make a decision here, quick. What is that? Ah, so we gotta-- ah! Everybody hold up their hand in case they're nude. Oh. Well, I feel like I could do that. Should we be friendly or should we dark forest fury? I don't know. What do you think, Bitsy? Okay, no, no, you made a decision. I mean, we already killed people. We just murdered two people right back there. We gotta kill who hasn't come out now. They're gonna think we're murderers. Oh, fine, let's hide, let's hide. Oh god, let's hide.

They're gonna know for certain that we are murderers! We try to find a place, like, rocks to hide behind, an alcove, something to hide behind and watch this thing come closer. Okay. Make a group stealth check as you all try to get behind some rocks and get into a ravine. That's almost so good. 26. Let fucking go. Six. 15. 16. Stealth? Come on. 14. So is that-- sorry, can you say that again? 14, 15, oh. Who got the low? 26. 26. 26. Uh-oh.

Captain in disadvantage. Got it. Yep. You all hide as you look through the darkness. Oh, do you stop out your light, by the way? You've had lights going this whole time. Yeah, I would have when we started doing this. They're back in the door. You all dive behind some large rocks.

some stalagmites, as this rattling and the skittering gets louder and louder and louder, as through the darkness of the tunnel, you see what looks like a large black coach pulled by a set of two massive shaggy spiders. And sitting is a coachman with a top hat that's very clearly a black wolf.

a black-furred wolf as this coach is making its way through the tunnel. What the hell? This thing is the cacophony of the skittering of these legs of these two huge spiders and the rattling of the strange coach that is riding along the cavern, the cave floor is incredibly loud. It's almost deafening as it actually passes you.

as you see it pass by. However, as you're peeking grumbly, you see the wolf look and it makes eye contact with you. And then it continues on as it continues down along the way. - Whoa!

What was that? I don't think a giant dino rib could overturn that thing. No, no, you were way off. I was totally wrong. Also, he's wearing a top hat and clothes. I knew that schools were full of liars.

You really are. What about those spiders? I don't think we can start a civilization down here. We'd have to compete with that. Well, what if they're friendly? What if we get to catch a ride? Well, if they were friendly, it would have stopped him. Like, hello, good people who are clearly lost down in this darkened tunnel. Let me assist you. I don't think he noticed us. We were pretty well hidden. Wait. I think he looked at me. You think? He saw me. No. He spoke to my soul. Whoa. To the primal beast within. Wolves really are cool. They really are.

I don't know, I've got to convince him he should go after the guy. Well, what did he say to you, Prime of Saw? "Kill." "No, he didn't. Why did he say that? I don't... "He didn't say that. He just said, 'Wow, isn't this a cool top hat?'" You're backpedaling a little bit. You're changing your story.

We could yell at him. Maybe he can help us. Or should we just keep going and try to find where he came from? Let's follow the tracks.

Ha ha ha ha!

He must have come from somewhere, though, right? Maybe. It's hard to say. I've never seen anything like this before. This time of night, I mean, do we think it's likely he's coming or going? It's impossible to know. I'd say we put it to a vote, but we'll be here for the rest of the episode.

I think a vote's a great idea. Only we do it out loud. We don't write anything down. We just do show of hands. Wait, what's the question again? Whether we follow the tracks where he was going or where he was coming from. Okay, yeah, I think we do a show. Well, it's dark in here. We can't do that. We could vocalize it. I have darkvision. Raise your hands. Aye. For what? To vote whether or not...

Those who want to follow that strange carriage, raise your hands. I want to follow the carriage. I want to see where it goes. Oh, I want to do whatever Booker wants to do. That does sound...

I mean, aren't you curious? Don't you want to know? Yeah, man, we can say hi! You can meet a wolf! I could meet a wolf, let's go right now! You guys made eye contact and he definitely didn't tell you to kill! One of you, please-- I kind of want to go where it came from. It seems like it belongs down here. It must have been coming from somewhere. Ask the other one, ask the other one, quick. Who wants to go the direction that it came from? Away from the carriage and towards where it came from? Raise your hands. Bitsy, you gotta vote. You have to vote. You gotta vote one way or another.

All right, we're going the way that it came from. All right. We might run into another one. No, hopefully there's a whole civilization of them. It could be the right choice. He was the first of many. I was raising both my hands for what it's worth. We attempt to follow the tracks, the direction that this thing came from, if it potentially left tracks on the ground. You do. You continue your way for about ten minutes, and then you hear the, ooh!

coming from the other direction, as you hear the rattling as it begins to approach you from the-- basically it's coming back the other way. You feel like-- or rather you see that it's now coming back in the direction that you're heading. We can either hide or flag him down. We gotta make a decision quick. We should flag him down. Maybe we hide and grumbly flags him down. Hey! Hey! Who's there? It's us, we need help! Help! We're lost!

The rattling gets cataclysmic as you see the black coach of the two massive spiders are pulling this thing. As you see the wolf coachmen let out one more howl as if communicating with these wolf spiders, driving it forward as the carriage gets larger and larger until it turns directly before you as it then

The spiders lurch and they turn to the side as the carriage pulls to the side. You see that strapped to the back of...

of this carriage that you had not seen before are two bodies, a vole and a crow have been tied to the back where the baggage is. They are hanging limply. Their broken necks are bruised and swollen. Their eyes are bulging open still. As the wolf coachman does not even look at you as you see the door of the black coach go,

As it opens. Hold your hands, hold your hands. Is there, are we welcome? Is there anyone inside? Hello? Put gloves on. Hello, is there anyone in there? Are we welcome aboard, Mr. Wolf, sir? Mr. Foreign Wolf, my name is Grumly. I am but a mere dog. It is a pleasure to meet you. Where's the eye contact? Oh, and did you make eye contact with me earlier? Or was I imagining that?

I'll get in the carriage. The wolf just simply looks at you. Okay, offering, I mean, a door open, I mean, a door open. I found one, Peggy. That's an invitation if I've ever seen one of those. As I get on. I'll get in. You all get in, and it is surprisingly plush and comfortable, but a little dusty. It seems old and unused. As the door, and you hear from outside as the spiders lurge and...

as they all skitter back, as the carriage lurches forward and you begin to be pulled in the direction into the tunnel. Well, I have to say, this is more like it. I mean, it was sort of, you know, our fates turning around. This is amazing. I was a little worried about the giant monster spiders and the striking wolf, but these are some fine accommodations. Gromley speaks very highly of wolves. This is an easy decision. I'm so excited.

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I can't wait to shit in the mouth of a dinosaur. "Domley, you gotta stop saying weird shit, okay?" "Stop saying weird shit!" That's what they do! "All right?" Where are you going with all that? "You're really freaking us out here, all right?"

Really freaking us out. Why are you accosting me? Is your brain all right? It's a serious fall. I'm worried about you. That's what they would do. And, like, they'd take showers, and the dinosaurs would, like, spit all over us. You're saying a lot of words that don't make any sense. Okay? Fine. I won't talk about my... You should drink more water. I'm going to drink more water.

Don't eat so much asparagus. I knew asparagus was next. It's the most theological progression. You know... Like mouse, cat, dog, asparagus is the third joke. Lovely, just promise me you're gonna stop saying that this place is like the dead dream of an old man and the crows are looking at you and forming weird patterns, all right? I'm worried about you. No, all right, you know, it's just...

Fairy tales you used to believe in dog boarding school, that's all. I'm sorry, I'll stop. I'll stop. You continue the ride as you see that this tunnel goes into a massive cavern that is hundreds of feet tall, and you see as it goes into darkness all around you, there are huge ravines that go deep into the earth as

The wolf leads this black coach pulled by the spiders through this cavern and eventually before you, you see an enormous ruined castle on this strange rock precipice where there is at the very end of a large bridge as the wooden bridge clatters with the

as the coach and the spiders go atop of it. Does it feel like there was any change in elevation? Like maybe we were descending or did we stay level the whole time? I would say that it feels pretty much the same. Okay. The same level is what I would say. All right. Would you say that we get a short rest? I would say of course enjoy a short rest. Very exciting. Stone houses.

as you see that before you, the gate, this massive double wooden gate is before you and the coachman lets out another as you wait and you hear as the gates open and the carriage makes its way through and

Then as soon as you enter the courtyard of this enormous looming castle, you hear the unsettling noise of the as the gates close behind you. Are there any windows in this carriage? Are we able to like... Yeah, there's two small windows, yeah. I'm looking at the back. Uh-oh. Ah, that's not good.

We might not be leaving here any time soon. Oh boy, uh oh. We're in a carriage with bodies on it. Yeah, what was that about? I don't know. Who are those people? I can't, I have no idea.

Oh, man. I'm all about the scary Bilbo's. And you...

You all wait as you hear the creaking of the carriage as the wolf gets off and walks past your door and you hear him chop the rope as you hear the loud thud.

as the two corpses fall onto the ground. And you hear him pick up both corpses very effortlessly. And you hear the heavy thuds of his boots as he seems to walk elsewhere. And suddenly they get fainter and fainter as you hear a door open and then shut.

Is there a handle? I try to open up the carriage. You open up the carriage. It swings open and you are in this courtyard and you see this massive looming cavern with the stalactites hanging down, almost looking like fangs above you as you see the looming, spiraling architecture of this castle going all up. It perhaps was once grand and magnificent, but now it has fallen to disrepair and ruin.

I guess we just go up to the front and see if anybody's home. If not, then this is the best place we can finally get some sleep. He must have brought us this way, agreed to bring us in his carriage of a sort. I mean, I suppose, follow him inside. It's better than sleeping in a dark damn cave. What's the worst that could happen? Well, we could end up like...

Like what could? Well, gesturing to the two murder people. Oh! Ahead of us, as if we're all standing side by side. And it's kind of weird that he collected two dead bodies and brought them back.

Well, you know, maybe they're trying to be respectful and give them a proper disposal. Oh, well, maybe, like, recycle them and, you know, because food is rare down here, maybe. We're not going to eat the dead, Grumman. Oh, you're right. No, that's ridiculous. Why would I? Are you feeling all right? I'm fine.

Okay. I'm fine with that. All right. Why wouldn't I be fine? I don't know. I'm just worried about you. You're acting a little weird. No, I'm totally fine. You know, I took a pretty big hit, you know. You did. Fell a couple dozen feet, you know. That's right. That happened. Other than that, I mean, I'm totally cool, you know. All right. I think I just need a good night's rest, all right? All right. What are you doing?

That's it. What do you mean? Why are you slurping like that? Oh, no, I'm...

grumbly hungry. We're all hungry, grumbly, all right? That's not new. We haven't eaten in forever. Especially after the mac and cheese incident. I thought suddenly you're talking in kind of like a broken language kind of structure. Oh, I mean, I'm hungry. That's not that weird. Cook's dad was hungry. That's why he ate the mac and cheese. Oh, yeah. I'm still, you know, a bit cross that I didn't have any. I mean, I'm glad I didn't, because then I'd be shitting me pants, but...

I'm still a little hungry, because I didn't have any mac and cheese. I'm going to walk up to the front of the carriage. Is the wolf with the top hat still there? No, he's gone. The spiders are just standing there. I'll walk back to the group.

You mentioned the castle was on like an outcropping of rock that overlooked something else? Yeah, basically there's like the very deep, dark ravines all around it where it goes into the complete abyss. Okay, so you can't see anything else. Yeah, and the walls are all around you now, so now all you can see is up above with the huge stone walls of this castle. Oh, got it, got it, got it. So we're inside the walls. We're inside like a...

You've gone across the bridge. You would have looked over. You would have seen the abyss down below. Just darkness. Yeah, just into the darkness. And you look around and you see that some of these have lost. Some parts of the wall have crumbled various rows of stone, of stacked stone that have fallen in, either inside the wall or outside that have not been repaired.

as you see the large gates of the actual fortress, the keep of the castle before you. Well, come on. We're tired. Grimly's hungry. Let's walk up and see if there's a host or something. Okay. With any luck, they might have a banjo. Still need to replace mine. Oh, yeah. Oh, I bet he's got tons of banjo. I bet he has a whole banjo room. Look how big this castle is. One can hope. Here we go. We walk up to the door. You walk up to the door?

Are there huge knockers on the front of the door? There's enormous knockers. Okay. Okay. And you see that they are shaped very interestingly. Okay. That they are four, the massive knockers that they almost, they have a shape, a face of a figure. He seems to be a bat gentleman with a large, heavy mustache and these sunken eyes as it seems to be, all looking very lordly. A bat? A bat, yeah.

I can't reach, can someone grab the knocker? I don't know, it was pretty heavy. I can't reach, can someone grab the knocker? Sean, he's gotta be you. Echoes through and the walls rumble. Some of the silt on the stone falls off and you wait and then

As the doors open and you see these dark beady eyes, the hunched figure looks at you with crooked teeth as a gray rat looks at you and says, "Welcome." "Welcome, friends." You stare at us. "The master has been waiting for you." The master's been waiting for us? He's been waiting. Is that the wolf gentleman with the top hat?

Sir, are you all right? There's something wrong with your face. What are you talking about? Are you having a heart attack? How are your faces drooping? Well, I think that's a stroke. Peggy's right. I saw my dad do this once. Three fingers. Three fingers. There was only two. Oh, why your nose is counting?

Did you say your name is Vygor? "My name is Vygor, the master. I serve the master here." All right, well-- "In these dark heavens, it is aterous to travel on foot. Thank goodness the coachman found you."

If he's been waiting for us, then tell him we said thank you and we'd love to come in. You're a feast with the mask on. Oh, oh, we'll feast? He waits, he sleeps. He said a feat with the mask. I think he's one of those. I'll say it is the middle of the night. Please don't let this be another mansion full of perverts. Please, please. It's a castle, not really a manor or a mansion. Oh no, there's no perverts here. That's what a pervert would say. Oh!

That's what a pervert would say! Wait, Nick, still could be-- Absolutely! Keep your guard up! Oh, alright. Oh, it's just me. Are you sure there's no clippers? It's me, the master, the coachman. What? And of course, the dead. What? The dead? I'm sorry, what?

What did you say? I said, you mean the bodies he, the coachman just brought? The catacombs! The dead rays, peacefully here. Oh, oh, that's why the coachman brought the bodies back to put them in the catacombs. Oh, catacombs. I said to give them a proper burial. Yeah. Death rains here. What?

Why would you say that? Well, that's the most welcoming and the most marvelous. You will catch a death. Death reigns here. That's an insane thing to say. Does he mean like from the sky? I don't know. Does he even hear himself? I think something's just wrong with him. I mean, look at him. Look.

Have you seen his face? I mean, he's got a little-- I have a mace he's drooping. It looks like it's going to melt off. There's patches of his fur. Could you turn away and lead us, maybe?

Yes, I go. You go first. You lead the way. Thank you, Michael. Who goes there? You know, all of a sudden, I'm a lot less scared. Lower the light. No, it wasn't so scary. Now I'm not so scared. He has a lantern. He pulls it down. Oh, what's names? You go, Piper. How does he not know who goes in his own castle? He lives here. That's a weird thing to say. Yeah, you don't know him. My name is Piper.

You already said that. I thought you said the master was waiting for our arrival and shouldn't he know who we are? He says that there will be visitors who will be staying long.

I'm Grumly. I am. A dog, distant relative to the master, presumably, who's all over Mighty Wolf, as far as I can tell. The wolf, he's a mangy sea bag. He's the coachman. Oh. Oh. Grumly. So the lord of the castle's not a wolf? Oh, God, no. Oh, Grumly.

Oh, he's just a coachman. Who is he? Tell us about this master. Oh, the master's a great count. A great count? As you see his presence here. As you see an enormous portrait in this foyer of this castle, and it looks like an imposing lordly figure in huge, what looks like furs or leathers, as this, it looks like in its prime, this bat figure

this bat figure, very muscular, with that same kind of thick mustache, glowering down at you, almost as if it's staring at you. As we pass by, the portrait begins to get older and turn skeletal. Ah! What? Ah! I thought I saw something. It's Count Morlock!

More luck? Yes. He would be so pleased to have you foot in. Oh! How does it strike us? What? Continue going. No, I was just saying how hungry I was. Oh.

He's going to have us for dinner, Booker. That's right. We mentioned a feast. Of all the tunnels you could have turned down, thank goodness you came here. There's a lot of strange things in these catacombs of the earth. So if the master's waiting for us and expecting us, like Peggy said, surely you already know our names, right? Well, he doesn't tell me anything. Oh. All right, my name's Booker.

Jean-Claude Jean-Claude. Jean-Claude. Oh, and a fellow rat. No. I'm Weigel. No. No. I hate you. No, not at all. No. Absolutely not, Weigel. Are you sure about that? Yes. I'm a mouse. Well. Mouse.

My first name is Bitsy. Check this guy out. When was the last time you saw another one of your species? No. Oh, it's been a while. Well, Bitsy's real nice. She'll warm up to you. No, no. No warmth. There's the only warmth here. Extended in fire, please.

"It is very expensive to heat a castle this size, you understand? "Not much wood down here and beneath the earth." What do you burn, then? "Not much. We burn deep black tar from the pits of the earth."

You spit a lot when you talk. Can you, like, turn away when you address us? We actually have a monopoly on fossil fuels down here, but we don't know what it does yet. So we don't realize that it's liquid gold. Cut to the fire plane. Dinosaurs! I told you guys. It's real. It's real. I'm going to throw up.

And that's Peggy Flyler, and that's Bitsy T. Mouse. Moose. Moose. What? Moose. My last name's not Mouse. It's Moose? Yeah. Okay. Wait, are you fucking serious right now? My full name's Bitsy T. Moose. Oh. Well, he's Booker T. Raccoon, and I'm Grumby T. Pug. No.

Give me help, you. What are you doing? What are you doing? You're drooling. Clean yourself up. Shouldn't you be leading us somewhere? He sniffs all over you. Oh!

Pardon me, I have a nose for wickedness and evil. He's staining your suit. Oh, he probably smells Jean-Luc all the time. That wicked, evil bastard. How do it? The master has been seeking a lawyer. Oh, you can smell that I'm a lawyer. I can smell the stench of the dungeon.

Well, it's probably just the papers and the ink and the briefcase. He will require your service. Well, I'd be happy to. He seeks to purchase a new home. Not exactly my forte, but I'm sure I could brush up on the real estate holdings of, what did you say we are, the underdog? No. The catacombs? The coons, you said? No, the catacombs are beneath us.

To your rooms, to your rooms. Follow me. Whoa, let's go. You will rest until you see it is the day right now above us. How do you know? I can tell. Trust me, bro. Source, I made it up. Just trust me, bro.

My dad works at Nintendo. You will feast with Count Morlock once he rises. You see as a bat he is nocturnal. He rises with an eye. Oh, he's a bat. I've never met a bat before, I don't think. You will see the Grand Elegance. They are evolved species of our kind. With great wings. He can take to the skies. Like a bird.

Oh no, no bird. I'll say hey! Say hey! I'll say, I'll say hey! It's not too hard to take to the skies, is all I'm saying. I know you're okay, you're a lawyer, Scoob. You're a rooster, I don't think you can fly. I have a flying speed, I can fly all over. Okay, these are your quarters fully, while you stay here. This one...

And this one. Okay. And this one. Okay. And this one. Okay. And this one. Oh, wow. And each one has a fireplace. If you wish me to light it, if it's too cold for you... Oh, I would like one, please. I would also prefer to have some warmth and light. I don't like being cold. Oh, fire. Take a picture of me while I do it.

I'm taking this room over here, and I just point to one of them, and I go in. I'll take the one on the end. He will not have a feast, but care for some cheese to snack on before bed? Oh, yes, yes, please. It's very moldy.

Kind of wet. I'm going to have a chip pizza. Oh, yes, yes. Good boy. I'm going to pass. I'm good. Can I have his portion of cheese, please? Yes, you can if you want. You're going to be like Beauregard. Cheese, cheese, booker cheese. It's delicious. I'm good, Gromley. I'm good. I'm going to wait for my fire to be lit. Baby bell cheese?

Baby Belle, they come in these little red wax containers. Wait, that's wax? Uh-huh. You're supposed to eat it though, right? No. Oh, all right. Peggy, you didn't eat one of those, did you? I thought you were supposed to eat the whole thing. It comes in a, there's a wrapping around it. Why does it make you take off two wrappings just to get the... It never digests.

It plants in your stomach and grows a whole new watermelon. Wow. No, not a new watermelon. Oh. A tiny wax person. Whoa! There's a little wax person inside of my body. And when it gets strong enough, it'll punch its way out. And that's how we have wax museums. How long do I have?

As long as you don't eat any more Baby Bill wax, you won't strengthen it. You'll just remain weak and trapped inside of there forever. I reach into my pack and I drop my Baby Bill cheese onto the ground. I just kind of kick it underneath the nearest piece of furniture. Alright, I just won't eat any more.

I don't need the wax. The cheese is good though. I don't even know how to get to it. If I had a baby bell right now, I'd be so happy. Take another one. Take another one. This one is wrong. Not right there. I mean, right there. Yeah, wrong on the ground. Ah, my buckets of pizza!

While I'm waiting in the room for the fire to be lit, I'm checking under the bed. I'm looking at the portraits if there are any. I'm checking the windows. I'm checking the closets. I'm looking for perverts. There are no perverts. That I can tell. It is empty. Okay. Empty. There's some skittering spiders. There's some moths that are around. Some dust. Yeah, some dust. Cobwebs. Yeah, it's cobwebs. It's dusty. Okay.

There's no perverts. You seem to be wholly alone except for Wygor, the coachman, and Count Morlock. I refuse to believe it. As you see him take his pick. Thank you.

You're welcome. So should I just wait here until we're best for the feast or what? You may. You have leave of the castle. But! I'm a little tired now. But! You may go anywhere except the castle. Okay.

For it is forbidden! All right, is there a reason? Just because, I mean... Only the dead may walk amongst the catacombs. What do you mean by walk? Yeah, I mean the dead. Yeah. They don't move much. Maybe just a phrase. Metaphorically, of course you mean. Metaphorically. All right, well, we're respectful guests. We're not going to go where you tell us not to go. Are there cats down there? Oh, it doesn't matter who's speaking. They are soldiers from the Maki Zod that...

sought to explore. They delved too deep. And they died? In a manner of speaking, they seem to live. Good guess. I don't know why this guy's speaking in riddles. It's weird. Are you done? Can you go?

I'm just gonna have my hourly allotment of cheese. Don't do it here, it's getting hard to look at you. Getting real sick of looking at you. It's hard to lay eyes on you, it makes my stomach turn. Good night, Margo. Oh, sorry. Excuse me, I'm just watching plague, Vanessa. Let us know when the feast is. We're gonna get some sleep now.

Oh, Wygor? Wygor? Oh, yes. Is there a Countess Morlock? Oh, no. The Count, the Master, haunts his bride, his beloved. What about a Miss Wygor? Oh, Miss Wygor. Oh, no, no. I look at Bitsy. I'm too busy. I am too busy, you see. It is a lot to take care of the Masters. Marry to the job. It's a large castle. I hear you.

He would be lost without me. He was simply lost. A lot of fireplaces to light. Oh, yes. A lot of cleaning to do. It's like a hoard of wood. All right, well, be on your way. Then we'll be here. I wish you good night. Good night again, boys. Thanks for everything. We appreciate it.

Sleep well. Good night. We're trying. We're really trying here.

You know, you'll find this place is as quiet as the grave. Yeah, I can see that it might be if you'd shut up, you know? That'd be good. Let's start there. I could use a good night's sleep. Let's start by you removing yourself and then maybe we'll see if it's as quiet as the grave, all right? Yes. God, I'm getting real sick of this guy. It's been like ten minutes. It's getting as dark as a crimson. Ah.

Okay, good night. Good night, wild boar.

But, where a skeleton? What? What? I just got you. Oh, I'll say my head's going to explode. I can't laugh anymore. I know, I know. Look, he's just lonely. He's got nobody to talk to. If we give him the opportunity, he's going to yap forever. No, but when we asked about the skeleton, he ran away. He ran away. I'm not worried about it. He's crazy.

He is crazy and ugly. I'm going to go to my room. Jesus, Moe.

I'm gonna get some rest. Did you see when he was walking away? I didn't think he could look worse than he did in the front. God, that backside. It's just awful. A lot of manes, you know? His butthole was just there for everyone to see. He had basically no tail left. This is the wax. You don't eat this. Why would you pick that up? Why would you show me that? I ate the cheese and now I'm gonna throw this away. No, don't eat this.

Do you want an adult bell in your tummy? An adult what? An adult bell. Whose bell? The baby bell will become a grown up. And then punch its way out. What do I do if it's half formed? Then it's a middle bell. Just leave it in there and hope it starts to death. What's it feed it on? Wax. Stop eating wax. I'm keeping this. I'm keeping this from you.

It's my strange addiction! Goodnight, Booker. Goodnight, Grumly. If you need me, I'll be next door, alright? Goodnight, Booker. Goodnight, Bitsy. Goodnight, Grumly. Goodnight, Bitsy. Goodnight, Peggy. Goodnight, Peggy. Goodnight, Peggy. Goodnight, Grumly. If you really want it, it probably isn't fully formed. I'll give it to you this one time. No, don't risk it!

Look, she's in pain! I'm running and trying to grab it from you. No! And throw it in the fire. What check can I have? Melting! A contest, an acrobatics contest. I fail, but I technically is a halfling. I probably succeed. I have a six. Athletics. Wait, can I do athletics? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to wrestle it.

Okay. I probably fail. Yeah, I get a 25. Yeah. I just start running around the door. Running around you. Throw it into the fire, Bitsy! Throw it into the fire! Cast it into the fire, Bitsy! What the hell is happening right now? I say, I say, cast it in! No! No! Good night, Bitsy. And I just turn and run into the room. All right, good night, Peggy. She's already gone. Good night, John. Good night, Brumley. Good night, John.

Bitsy, I'm outta here. Good night, Mr. Chanticleer. Well, good night, Bitsy. Good night, Grumman. Good night, Mr. Chanticleer. Good night, Booger. Good night. Good night, Peggy. Good night, Booger! I'll go to my room, it's over here.

I shut the door and I try to lay down on the bed, but I can't stop worrying about the potential perverts and/or skeletons that might be walking around the castle. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. "Hellbucker! They got one of these cool Ebenezer Scrooge sleeping gowns in here!" "Oh, you mean with the hat and everything?" "Even has a little hat, yeah, and the slippers too!" I try to find mine. I try to find my neck down. Oh yeah, they're in there. "Whoa, you're right! I'm putting mine on immediately!"

Okay, good night, Booker. Good night, Gromley. I'll talk to you in the morning. If you need me, just, you know, come get me. Oh, and if you need me, come get me. All right, deal. Good night. Good night. Cut inside Peggy's stomach. You see a man made of wax. Look, children, another has joined our family. Oh, God. This is a nightmare. This is an absolute nightmare. Ah.

I attempt to fall asleep? Yeah, I attempt to fall asleep. If it's a four-poster bed, I'll close all four sides. You all settle into sleep. I'm going to need someone to roll a d10 for me. One. Only one skeleton. That would be a d100. Roll a d100 now. Yeah, it's got to be a d100. You all settle to sleep.

And Grumly. Whoa, that's 100, isn't it? Nope. One is a triple zero. That's insane. That's fucking crazy. It's fate. It's definitely a one. Grumly, you awake in the middle of the night, and you hear it from outside your window as you hear the howl of very clearly the coachman. Are you calling to me, oh cousin of mine?

Is there a window? Can I look out the window and see if I can see him down there? Make a perception check at advantage. Oh, that's pretty good. Perception design. 23. 23. You look out into the darkness beyond the castle as you see a flickering torch out across the bridge beyond the castle, and you realize that the castle gates are open.

Can I see if it's the coachman? It's just a flickering torch at the end, but it seems to be held by a figure. Like out the window. I want to see if he responds. Do I get the sense that he wants me to join him? Make an insight check at advantage. 20. You don't know what to think. You are a dumb pug.

But you feel like your ancestors are watching you. Yeah! That's what I'm feeling right now! And you feel the call of the wild. The call of the wild! The call of your ancestors, absolutely. The killer instinct is filling up inside me! Yeah, the killer instinct is filling up, exactly right. I look around the room and I find the little candle holder and I light it.

"Oh, I suppose I should go walk the house, you know, just make sure everything's okay." I'm immediately picturing Grumly in the Ebenezer Scrooge hat with the... Oh yeah, keeping the nightgown on. Absolutely. And I'm going to try to stumble through the castle and make my way towards this wolf. So you're leaving the castle and use your nightgown. I am, yes, leaving the castle, just my nightgown.

Okay. You do that. As you make your way through, the chill hits you to the bone as you leave the castle, and no one seems to stop you. You don't even see Wygor. As you continue to make your way outside and you see the flickering light, as you see this silhouette holding the torch, and as you get closer and closer, you finally see it is the wolf.

It is the coachman as he's staring at you. And you see that he has two crossbows with him and two axes. And as soon as you, and he basically just looks at you as you approach. Who goes there? Oh, I mean, I know who it is. Hey. He reaches down and throws you a crossbow. Is this for me? Is this my ancestral calling?

The wolf looks and turns and points out and you see that there is a large expanse that's covered in all manner of web. And you see that there are skittering spiders all throughout. And then the wolf just nods at you. It wasn't dinosaurs or ribs at all. It was fucking crossbones!

I'm in! Let's go! Where do we go? You're gonna turn into Blade? As you head off and join the coachmen on an evening hunt. I want to kill. And you see a look of approval on the wolf's face as he nods as Peggy, you awaken. It's cold. God, it's so cold in here.

Your room is dark, but there is the flickering. The smell of bitch is very intense. As the fire burns. What is that? The whole castle reeks of it. As the fire still casts these strange shadows, as you are stirring, but the wind kind of whips through

your window and kind of whips past the curtains of your bed as you almost see the shadows dancing on the silhouette of your curtains. It almost forms a long slender shape of shadows and you suddenly realize that it's gone as it was just a trick of the light. - Little wax human, was that you? You see that little buddy? - You see then suddenly

a shadow of a large hand elongate along the floor of your room. Long fingers snake across the entire of your bed chamber towards the bed. - Uh, hello? Perverts? Booker? Hello? Who's there? Whose hand is that? Whose hand is that? Not my hand, not my problem. That's what I always say. I'm gonna pull the covers up, like close around me. - And,

and suddenly the wind bursts into your room as the shadow suddenly forms. You see a dark shadow, a silhouette. It's hard to tell. It looks imposing, but at the same time, it almost looks withered as you hear a voice. Long have I waited. And suddenly it vanishes, and you are left alone. Hello, are you there? If you're here for sex, I've got a headache. LAUGHTER

Hello? Ow! Has anybody got some aspirin or something? Yeah, no, I'm not staying in this room. I'm gonna walk and I'm gonna go try and find Bitsy's room. Okay. You, um... Let's hold. What? What? Bitsy, you are asleep. I'm floating three feet above the bed. LAUGHTER

And suddenly you awake. And you feel like, you feel like, oh yeah, that you're sleeping in a pile with your good friends as you're sleeping next to Jean-Claude and next to Hazel. And yeah, you know, you feel like, oh, and you kind of snuggle up and you're like, you're feeling like you're very warm and cozy as you're sleeping between these two people.

And then you realize that it's very cold. I gotta get more pitch. And as you try to get more pitch, you turn and you look and you feel the feathers of Jean-Claude, of this large, imposing frame, and you realize that it's actually a gray feather.

and you look and you see that you are facing a robed crow who is on its back. Its back is against you, but his head is snapped towards you. The old wise crow that you had killed, his dead eyes are looking at you.

And he says, " " He said, "God, please." As you stumble backwards, trying to get away, as you fall over this little vole who's wearing a green cloak, his neck is also snapped. As he looks at you, "Let it burn!"

- I'll roll backwards and flip up into the upright position and immediately, and you look and Peggy opens the door to your room in this moment. - Oh, Bitsy, you will not believe what just happened. What are you doing? - And there's nothing in the bed.

I think the little wax person in my stomach is causing some hallucinations here. You're not the only one. Is that a side effect? No, I had a dream, a nightmare, a hallucination too. I had this weird creepy creature come into my room begging for sex.

That sounds awful. It was. I've got a headache. Oh, I'm sorry. That sounds terrible. I had two dead bodies in my bed! There's nothing there. They were right there. There was a two people-- Let me take a look. And I'll go over and I'll lift it up and I'll sniff the sheets. No?

There's no decomposition. I don't see any rogue hairs, like nothing that's not mouse. I swear it was the two people that we passed by there at that time when we were walking in the caves. Oh, the dead ones that were on the back of that carriage? Yeah, those ones. Why would you be thinking about them? They were in my bed. That's why I thought about them. They're not in your bed because I'm looking right now. I'm just saying that they were there just seconds ago. No, I think you just had a nightmare.

- Maybe. - Do you want, I mean, for you, not for me or anything, you want me to stay in here tonight? - Yeah, if you could. - Yeah, of course, for you. - Do you have any more pitch in your room? My bucket's empty. - Oh, it's filled with pitch over there. It's just the room's practically billowing with it. - Then should we just go back to your room? - Well, I mean, that weird sex-addicted pervert might be in there. - Yeah, but there's a bunch of nappy bodies in my bed. - You wanna sleep in the room with the pervert?

I guess it would be warmer if they decided to end with us. I'm just saying that that's where fire is and that's warmer. That's rational. We can sleep in my room, but just if he comes back telling me, I don't know, you're on your period or something. Okay. Then I'll go back to my bedding room. This is a nightmare. You do that. Jean-Claude, buckle up. You are sleeping peacefully and...

You suddenly jolt awake. I say, I say, Jean-Claude! I say, I say, you damn double-crossed me for the last time, Jean-Claude. That couldn't be. All the way down here, I spent so much time thinking this couldn't be hell, because Jean-Luc would certainly be here. Jean-Luc? Oh, Jean-Claude! Is that you? I say, I say...

I've had to pay the death tax. And I have suffered for my ways. I'm in chicken hell. I say, I say, how bad is it? Oh, I say, I say, Jean-Claude, it is not pleasant, I tell you what. I fell into the wrong crowd, and you are following the same path. Chains clasp around me.

I say, I say, Jean-Luc, please have kinder words for me. LAUGHTER

I'll save you. I'll save you. God, will you, Jean-Claude? Oh, please. Jean-Claude, our entire family has gone into horrid professions, committed great acts of evil, and down hell it is not pleasant, it is not cool like your room. Jean-Claude, at this hour, at this hour, please. It is as hot as the hells. It is deep fried, runny with 14 herbs and spices down here. Jean-Claude. Jean-Claude.

You must change your ways, Uncle Claude, or you will be double deep fried. I will. And served with macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes. Oh, no. I say, I say. And hossed down with some refreshing sweet tea. Oh, I say, I say. This is out of the worst, most horrible dream of Boro.

mac and cheese sitting unkindly in the pit of my stomach. Sitting unkindly. Oh, I don't know if this is the madness of a bat counts evil castle or if this is Booradon. All I say is heed me, heed me, Jean-Claude, because for the Zod, it is Peach Cobbler. And then the special for the next night is a bucket. The whole bucket. I say I say of what?

And you say, how many, how can it possibly be that many pieces? I only got but one breast. But it's all Jean-Claude. It's all breasts? It's all breasts. Oh, no. And down here, they give you as much sauce as you want. They don't even fight you for it. So they be dipping our flesh in sauce. Oh, Jean-Luc, I swear I won't turn out like you were the worst kind.

Good flim flam and scum sucking turncoat. Bastard of a brother of mine. Your fate will not be mine. Well, I'll say, I'll say, they say the only thing more wicked than an accountant that works for the IRS is a lawyer. So you will be visited by three terrible spirits. Oh!

"Hoss! Over the next several nights or something!" No! It actually was very unclear in the original. Originally he said over three nights and he changed his mind and forgot to go back and change it in the beginning. "Hoss! I'll stay with Kyle as the first one coming, don't lose!" "Please! Beware! Beware the Double D Fry!" With 14 herbs and spices. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Did you hear that? Someone's screaming. I think it might be Jean Claude. He sounds like he's screaming about some kind of fried chicken or something. Should we go check on him? Oh,

Oh no, he's talking about breasts. I think he's fine. I don't think those are screams of fear. I said they don't charge extra for dipping sauces. Oh no, it's definitely not fear. He should just let him. That's weird. Beware the cane sauce. Oh, it's so delicious.

Nope, no, he's fine. Yeah, I think he's gonna be alright. Oh, this mother- I'm just gonna stand here and listen, make sure he's okay. Oh, they can't even taste it anymore, it's all just cane salt. Oh my god, they can't even taste it anymore. I'll say, I'll say, they can't even taste the succulents. Wow. I wonder if that permit that was in here went to Jean-Claude's room afterwards. It might be. Or he's just been pent up, you know, hanging around us this whole time, he's finally got a room to his own. Ha ha ha!

Got it down. Oh, man. He's got a whole bucket of pitch in there. He should be all right. He's settling down. Oh, no, no. Oh, God. Okay. Yep. You are sleeping peacefully.

It's a shockingly comfortable bed. It's a little dusty, a little cold, but you haven't slept this well. It was a lot more comfortable than sleeping even in your dad's place. Especially better than the woods. As a noise jostles you to sleep, as you hear the door knob rattle of your room. What is that? Hey, I see it. It rattles a bit. Who's there?

Wygo, if that's you, I swear to the gods. Don't you open that door, you freak! You see the-- you hear a "freak" as the door opens. Hey, I'm warning you! The door pulls open slightly, and you see a hand enter, and it's entirely made of bones. Son of a bitch, I knew there were perverts here.

I go to reach for my banjo and I realize that I don't have it. As my face falls. The door opens as you see

a figure entirely bone. No! As a skeleton steps into your room and looks around and its empty eye sockets make-- you have no idea what kind of creature, what kind of skeletal figure this is. No! It is just-- the skull almost reminds you of the skull that you had seen on the centipedes, but it only has one arm, two arms, and two legs. As the skeleton looks at you and it says,

Oh shoot, I thought this was my room. And he leaves the room and closes the door behind him. Sorry! And he closes the room. And the skeleton leaves your room. This is strangely polite. This isn't the catacombs. This is the dead are not supposed to be able to walk here. What was that?

I walk over to the door and I press my ear up against it while I check the door handle again to see if it's potentially locked or if there's any way to lock it. And I listen to see if I can... You can lock it, but it is unlocked. Yeah. I listen as I... Make a perception check. No, not even close. You don't hear anything? Nothing. I think he's gone. The hell was that? I'm trying to go back to bed. I can't get over how polite he was.

I lay down and I pull the covers up over me, and I attempt to go back to sleep. Whether or not I'll be able to, I would be confused and bewildered and a little scared and not sure if it was a dream or if it really happened as I attempt to fall back to sleep. You all fall back asleep and you enjoy a long rest.

Grumly, you wake up and you feel like you've been hunting spiders and you've unlocked the killer instinct of some kind, but you can't be sure if it was a dream or if it was real. Whoa. But you feel like you've spent all night hunting with the coachmen and killing and even processing these spiders that you've hunted and killed. Do I get a long rest, though? Yeah, it was a long rest. Curious.

Very curious. I guess I should get up and see what the others are doing. I would take off my nightcap and my gown as I put on the rest of my clothing for the day, and again, I go to reach for the banjo that's not there. Oh yeah. And I miss it a little bit as I go to unlock my door and proceed out in the hallway to see if anyone else is awake yet. Is everyone awake? I get in my gear and I go to the door and I reach for the crossbow and hand axe that aren't there.

Maybe in another life. And I'll sort of longingly look out the window as I close the door behind me.

Oh, Booker! Oh, hey, hey, Bromley. I had the weirdest dream last night! Oh, really? Yeah! Me too, I had a pretty weird dream too. Remember when I said I wanted to kill? I do, but then I remember you walking it back pretty quickly and you changed your story. I killed all night. What?! Literally, I couldn't stop killing. Who?! Who did you kill?! Not who! I had this dream that I went out with that cool wolf guy, and we killed spiders all night!

I had a crossbow and I had an axe and I was just like, and I was like, and then like, whoa, they said that? Yeah, and we would like, it's pretty metal. And then we had like a comically delicious scene eating lobster leg, I mean, spider legs, I think they were crab legs. All right. And it was very delicious. Well, that sounds like it was a good time. Did you feel like you slept well?

"I did, I feel very well rested." Great, that's amazing. "What about you? You have a pleasant dream as well?" "Oh, it was, well, I don't know if it was pleasant. "I can't even blame it on the moldy cheese. "I was just in my bed and I heard a noise. "The door handle was jiggling and all of a sudden it started to open "and I thought it was Wygor and I warned that weird freak "that he better not step foot in my room. "And the next thing I know, I see this horrific,

skeletal hand creep in. A skeleton hand? Yes, it was a skeletal hand, and it slowly started to open the door. The door made a horrific, rusty, creaking noise. And then all of a sudden, the skeleton was like, "Oh, my bad, bro. I thought this was my room," and he left, and that was it, and I went back to bed. I was bewildered, absolutely bewildered. I don't know what kind of dream that means. I don't know what that means. Oh, he was just like a chill guy? Yeah, he just made a mistake. He just thought it was his room. Just a cool dude? Yeah.

You sure it was a dream? I mean, what else could it be? The dead don't walk. The skeletons aren't real. I mean, they're real. We have skeletons in us, but they don't animate. Plus, it wasn't the catacombs. We were told that the dead only walks amongst them. Well, not precisely. Didn't Wygaw say that death reigns here? He did say that. That's pretty explicit. He did say that. But to be fair, I didn't believe anything that he said. He's a freak.

He's a freak, you're right, you're right. Fuck that little freak. What does he know? I wonder how the others are doing. Yeah, I'm sure they're maybe fine. I'm sure they all had weird dreams too, maybe. Maybe. Bitsy, can you wake up? What? Can you put your head on my stomach and see if the wax guy in there is talking? All right. Can you hear anything?

"Be quiet and you shall be rewarded." What you do find, you listen and you don't hear anything, but your ear feels something. As you look and you check Peggy's abdomen area, you see that there are two puncture marks. Oh. I don't hear anything, but look.

Did you stab me with a fork last night? No, all I got is a rusty knife. I don't have the fork. I don't have the spoon. I just got the knife. Put that up to my stomach. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not that close. Just close enough. Let me see. No, it's a little too big for those puncture wounds. That's what I'm saying. Where did that come from? I don't know. Do you think it's trying to get out? No, I think it's trying to... Do you think the little wax human in my stomach did that?

Could that have been made by two tiny wax human fists? He might have just punched forward like this real fast. That's what I'm thinking. Kind of like a mantis shrimp but made out of wax and inside of me. Mantis shrimp may be the form that it's taken. Wait, you never said it could take the form of a mantis shrimp. You said it was like a... What you said it was was not that. Adult bells can take any form it wants. You could have told me that before you gave me...

You wanted the wax! You begged me for the wax! You have any more? Only if we have other baby bells. I only had the one I found underneath the dresser. Another one might have rolled under there. Oh shit! This dresser produces baby bells! You want me to throw that wax away for you? You can't have the wax! Please! You've got a mattress shrimp adult bell in your stomach! But I'm gonna die anyway!

Why do you like eating the wax? I don't know. What do you give me? I won't tell anyone that you were sleeping with dead people last night. Really? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let's go see if the others are awake. All right.

We're in the hallway. Yeah, you go and you find Booker. Both Peggy and Bitsy leave from Peggy's room. Oh, hey guys. You guys, everybody all right? You bunked together, yeah? Yeah, definitely. There's nothing trying to punch its way out of my stomach. What? Huh?

Okay. Oh, no, yeah, we went over that. Did you guys have a good night's sleep? Well, we got cold after we got nightmares, so we decided to bunk up. Oh, you guys had nightmares, too? Oh, yeah. Oh. Me, too. Yeah, we were just talking about our dreams. I mean, they weren't really nightmares. Well, mine wasn't at all. Yeah, we actually had pretty pleasant dreams and lovely evenings. You guys had nightmares? I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't really have a nightmare. It was just, like, this weird shadow guy that came in my room and tried to have sex with me, but I told him I had a headache. A pervert?

Yeah, but then he went to Jean-Claude's room and fucked him all night long. Whoa! Yeah. We heard the

How do you know? Because we heard the whole thing. I mean, like, what did you hear? Moonflame. Spill the tea. Spill the tea. I'll say, I'll say, what are you saying? You're talking about making buckets full. Yeah. Buckets full of shit. That's foul. You know how a pig can have a 30-minute long orgasm? Shit on a rooster. This guy can go till morning light. Good for him.

Well, that's true. Cock-a-doodle-doo. So, no wonder, Jean, you know what? I bet you that Evans' lock wasn't that bad. I bet you he really liked it and he didn't want to tell us the real thing. He was probably trying to keep the whole locker to himself. Yeah, what a sick fuck. They're sharing your secret, Jean-Claude. This is, you know, off stage or right here. Jean-Claude, that was your evening, you stud.

Holy smokes. No, I had a terrible evening. Oh, yeah. That is terrible. I was haunted by the ghost of my brother. Are you sure about that? Wait, you made all those noises about your brother? Sounded like the rooster came before sunup, if you know what I mean. Well, I suppose I did awake before sunup. You know, it's hard to know exactly. Is it hard to know?

What are you insinuating, Booker? They said you were fucking a pervert all night. Or maybe getting fucked by a pervert. Hey, we don't judge. No! I wasn't touching any perverts. Screaming about breasts and secret sauce, special sauce. Buckets full, apparently. 14 whole seasonings. You said something about couldn't even taste the succulents? No, he couldn't taste the succulents. And wrists. Talking about the ambrosia of the gods over here. And legs. I will say, back in law school, they called me Robert Doodoo. Ah! Ah!

Those are screams of ecstasy, and I've never heard them. Well, I heard that. All right, we don't have to hear my story. No, no, no. What happened? What happened? I believe you, Jean-Claude. Please, tell us the details of our passion. I had a terrible nightmare. My brother visited me, and as you all know, how I feel of him. And he said that you have to change your ways.

And the three ghosts were gonna appear and show me all these tales and past and present. When does the perfect show up? There's no perfects, all right? Shut your mouth. It's a lot easier to listen if you shut your damn mouths, all right? Yeah, let him speak. So, anyway, as it were, so there were three ghosts who were gonna appear and warn me of my wicked ways so that I could turn around. Proclivities? My ill proclivities. Yeah. Ah.

However, they did not appear. And seeing as how I hate my brother, I can just disregard all the warnings. And we're fine! - How did he come to you in your dream? Why? - Well, he was in some sort of spectral form, rattling chains. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why was he in a spectral form? - Well, I assume he was killed. - He's dead? - So why are you celebrating? - Well, 'cause he was haunting me in my dream. - So shouldn't the first thing you said have been, "Thank God he's dead?"

Well, he was haunting me. No, I didn't want him to show up. The last thing I wanted when my brother died was for him to be around me more often. That's the worst thing that could have happened. Look, it was probably just a weird dream. We all had them. I don't believe you got fucked by a pervert all night, Mr. Chanticleer. If that means anything. All I'm going to say, his story is pretty compelling. It's easy to believe. It's a good story. He's a lawyer, though. Put that there.

I really think that the nightmare was that he woke up. Look, all I'm saying is it would make sense that he woke up from this awful nightmare, that strange pervert went from my room into his, and he was like, "Well, no better way to forget a nightmare than to fuck this guy all night." Well, does it matter? What?

Jean-Claude, did you get fucked by a shadow puppet? All night. Grumbling. Tell the truth! No. There it is! I did not get fucked by a shadow puppet all night. There it is! He did not get fucked by a shadow puppet all night. I think you hesitated. I think I was in fact very discerning in my answer book. There it is! There's no more discussion about it. All right, all right, we'll let it be. We'll let it be. Understood.

Do you feel well rested? I feel great. I bet you do. I feel like an empty, free sun. You are absolutely glowing. I feel well rested. Radiant. I mean, I could use a, feels like a pitcher of water. Son of a bitch! Use a spray paint of white water. I thought I smelled something. Goddammit! We're having such a good morning. As you see him, he's carrying a tray rattling with five wooden goblets.

as he shambled over, "How did you sleep?" Not great. Wonderful. It was good. I was happy with it. Ups and downs, tops and bottoms. He needs holes.

It can be bigs and valleys, if you will. Bigs and valleys. We all had weird dreams, but they were just dreams. That's all. How long do we have until the feast? Just the mind! Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off. I'm worried about the feast. Jean-Claude really worked up an appetite. You will be feasting, yes, with the master. He eagerly awaits, but

First we must prepare a tradition to begin our night by drinking this. Each must drink a full goblet of blood orange mimosas. And that's Rulanda's action. Well done.

I'm just going to say it. I actually think this is my favorite session. Oh, my God. Because every session I say this, that if you, like, gun to my head at the beginning of the session, I can literally never guess where the first 15 minutes are going to go. And I never would have guessed in a million years that went this direction. This actually might be one of my favorite, if not my favorite session of all time. This was so good. This was so fun. Thanks, Mike. Thanks for having us. It's good to be back. It's good to be back. Thanks, Mike.

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