Welcome to Legends of Adventurus. I'm Grumly, and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. A crime in which valuable things are taken illegally and often violently from a place or person. Ha ha ha!
Wow, what a photo finish.
Dad, how much are you down now? That was 65 big ones, I bet. Beautiful intro to Piano Man Begins to Play. It's nine o'clock on the equivalent of a Saturday and a toad's shambling in a throng. There's an old squirrel sitting next to me just jolking and spanking his hog. The secret doorway.
That's very subtle, but all you have to do is press in and slide and you go in. I will press it open and I'll say, "Bitchy, you go first." Uptown squirrel, she's been living in a white oak world. I'm gonna sneak ahead and see what's going on. Okay, okay, stay right here. Be very quiet.
You see a circle of hooded figures with candles black as night, lit and flickering all around the statue, all around this dark statue of a horrific fish-like abomination as you hear Fungui Mugla Nighty Royale Mugla Futaga. It's a...
- Betsy. - Betsy! - Oh no. - You peer, you peer into this room, you see hooded critters around this statue. There's a dim glow in the room. It's hard to tell. They look almost like silhouettes, like shadows as they are chanting to night here.
As you witness this, they're all in this circle around this horrid statue, and it looks like it was dredged up from the bottom of a lake, covered in crusted clams and other drudgery from the bottom of the lake.
Um, the stench is vile. As you see these cultists, uh, saying these things, make a stealth check to see if they notice you. Whoa, we played D&D here? Uh, the tiny, the tiny one. Twelve. Uh, they continue chanting, and you're unsure if they've seen you. What do you do in this moment, as you see... I will look at the scene, and a shot of adrenaline fills my body.
I know the game has changed. Bitsy will slowly start to step back to rally her friends to see if they can confront the terrible cultists. I'm gonna turn around and see if I can sneak my way back to gather my friends. You do. You back up. As you hear motion, the chanting suddenly stops.
as you hear the groans and strains of the voice as a door opens from the room where you had seen some sort of door, some other hatch.
as you hear a loud thud, as you hear whimpering. Oh, just the Elton John experience. I don't know how to do this. It's an alligator. As you hear. Oh, God. As you hear the muttering and the whimpering of,
this voice as the chanting continues. What do you, you get back to your compatriots. Guys, there's a ritual going on downstairs. It looks real spooky magic. I think they're trying to sacrifice that poor
Are you saying that maybe possibly they're a cult?
That's exactly what I'm saying. I think they're a cult. Oh, no. I have a phobia of that. We've got to get down there. You're stabbing me! Oh, no! I say, I say, what do you mean? No, no, no. It's definitely not a cult. It's definitely not. Someone just... See, it's somebody having sex. If we don't get down there, we're not going to be able to save them.
save that guy you hear the sliding of wood as you hear the thrashing of water from the thing as the chanting is louder and louder as there is a sickening a pop and a crunch and then a splash we gotta get out of here right now right now yeah you gotta go save that guy I think he might be in danger there's no reason to go in there Crumbly's totally right like it's not that it's a cult because it's not a cult at all they can't possibly have magic
But there's people having sex, we should just get out of here. It's a cult, I swear, I saw it. We gotta get down there. Look, you know, I wanna save that guy as much as the next fella, right? And, you know, that's sort of my whole thing is like, protecting people and saving people. You, you, you,
right now you help me save that man you hear a horrible guttural voice booming out that sounds like the worst thing you've ever heard I mean everyone always saves him no it's this horrid dark voice that keeps happening it's totally secured because I don't look
There's this one-- Is that box? Yeah, that box. Throw it away. I hate it. I hate it. I pick it up. It's just like . You look at it and it falls off the shelf and explodes. It sounds like the cultists. Nine. Uh-oh. Ten. One, two, three, four. Dirty 20. Nice.
I haven't rolled yet, because all my dice fell off the floor. Those who fail, you are filled with tremendous dread, as you suddenly-- Wisdom? Yeah. You hear in the back of your mind, "I don't feel more than I feel. I want to see a little more." As you feel so filled with dread, you need to get as far away
as you possibly can. - What was the save? - It was wisdom. - Yeah, but you said those who failed. - Oh, what do you roll? - I got 14. - 14, that was enough. - You're right, bitchy.
We're going to save that guy. It's Sir Roger. Oh, my God. I just turned. No, wait. I can't. I can't. You guys got fuzz on them peaches. You get back here right now. I know. I buggered.
I'm right behind Gromley. I'm right behind Gromley. Well, I think they went that way. That guy clearly just got his, so we should probably go. You'd think they'd never heard Eldritch Chamberlain before. Goddamn.
The can of worms and that opens. All right, well, I guess that guy's gonna go die, I guess. Let's just make our way back up, I guess. All right, well, let's go then. You first. Both of you make a perception check. Natural 20. Plus whatever my perception is. Six.
Six. You don't hear this, Bitsy, but... A 24. Oh, 24. As you hear the chanting, there is something that you notice. It's a voice that sounds familiar in this group of voices joining in with this horrible, dark, guttural gibbering. As it kind of sounds like... It reminds you of...
- No. - No way. - No. - Of the Hollywood big shot, Ferret Wiesel. Director Ferret Wiesel.
As the chanting continues as you leave the dark room. I will put my arm around Bitsy. Bitsy, I know that you're not as familiar with the ways of the body and these kinds of sounds. You might think that they mean what this eldritch gibbering you're talking about. But you see, when a man loves a woman, and I'll start kind of like explaining things, and I'll put my arm around her as we start to walk away, and then I'll go, wait a minute, is that the voice of that
fuck who was sniffing my feet? Fair weasel. I think you're right. I think they're all cults back there. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. It's not a sex thing. Oh no, it most definitely is, but I don't think it's a good kind of sex thing. You go back up into the green
room, and as soon as you guys emerge into the green room away from hearing the voices that clutters... Actually, I need a group stealth check for all of you. When we start turning up dead one by one over the next six months... Cottage, core, noir. You're all going to know what happened to us. It's so weird. I don't remember ever going for a jog before, and now I've gotten a heart attack. I rolled a 26. Oh. Yay!
Just so you know, guys, no, I'm gonna go on record saying this now. When I'm inevitably found underneath a 600 pound bench press, I've never tried to lift that weight in my entire life. I've never gone for a run a day in my life. I don't ego lift, so when I'm guillotined by my own weight lift setup, you'll know something's fishy. 27. Okay. Oh, 17. 17. Oh, 23.
A one. Are we all together now? Well, you would have-- so as you're heading back, you get into the dark and green room. Oh shit. As you emerge, as you are panicking, you're panting, you start to feel the fear dissipate a little bit now that it's behind you. What do you all do? Are you continuing to sprint through, or do you wait for your two friends that are down below there with the cult?
I would probably not be sprinting at this point, but I'm doing one of those, like, you know, we got to keep looking at ground. I was going to ask you what you do. I didn't really expect that. Keep moving. I don't know why I didn't expect that. Oh, God. What about the others? I think Vincent went back. I mean, I'm feeling quiet. I'm feeling quiet.
to make sure they're okay, but I'm very easily impressionable. As much as I want to save Betsy, I say I only met her three minutes ago, three hours ago. I'm not finding dark sex code sacrificing a night here to save Betsy. Well, I only met her like a week or two ago, but I mean, I've been hanging out with Peggy a long time.
Well, that's fine. I mean, I still suggest we run in the opposite direction of that. She invented magic, right? In the whole universe, she's gonna be okay. Oh, let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
I WANT A MAP! I WANT A MAP! Hold on! You said the floor plan, that's right. Um... The blueprints. You know what? Hold on. I'm gonna see if I... Make a map, uh, a cartographer tools check. Dude! Brutal! I'll count this roll as my cartographer. Uh, I rolled a one. Oh. Uh... Yeah, a one. I'm looking at it upside down. I'm hoping...
Aren't you supposed to have like a "You are here" on it somewhere? You look at it! Oh, okay, well... Main photographer tools, Jack. What abilities? Intelligence. I'll say, "Can I use charisma?" Nine.
You get lost in the bowels of the... Peggy! Gotta go! I said, Grumly, it's this way! You follow Jean-Claude very confidently. He's very wrong. Damn. That's a classic. Peggy, Bitsy, you arrive at the dark and green room.
and your friends are nowhere to be seen. Oh, would we go to the green room? Well, that was how you got down into the-- You're leading me. You're just telling me about the birds and the bees. I'm thinking we would have turned back once realizing that Ferret Wieso was in there. Oh. If we can. Oh. I'm into it. We can't stop him. I think you're right.
They're gone. Our friends are gone? It's just you and me, all right? I'll catch up any second now. I'll send the right behind us. I would never say this with him here, but Grumly's breathing is quite loud and it's hard to be invisible, but I can still hear it in my mind. And he keeps bringing out ice trays and cracking them at awkward times. And the microwave goes off and it's all loud and shit. It's crazy.
How does he do that when he doesn't even have a microwave or ice tray? It's remarkable. It is, but it's just you and me. Okay. If there's anyone that can figure out what's going on with this filthy sex cult. Yeah? It's the two of us and Booker, but we don't have Booker, so it's the two of us. We got to...
I'm going to look around. Is there any fabric or something that I could use to disguise myself in a cloak or something along those lines? I'm already wearing my regular outfit covered by a turtleneck, so I'm looking for a third outfit to cover that with. There is no cloth that's around, but the wooden stairs are carpeted. You think we can turn these carpets into cloak-like things real quick, and then they won't even
What's up? Do you think we could turn these carpets into cloak-like things? Look at me! I've got stars I've sewn all over my outfit because I made a match. I got a thread needle. That's perfect. Let's make outfits. Wait, what are we making out of these carpets again? We're making cultist-y robes. Out of these carpets? Yeah, hold on. I'll get one up.
I attempt to pull the carpet off the... Oh, it's just stuck. Okay, stand there. That'll buff out. Okay, okay. Stand still. I poke you with the needle. Shut up. I can't pin this on you if you keep bleeding on me. How else am I going to hold it up?
Okay. I sew the carpet not to her skin, but to the outfit she's already wearing. It looks horrible. You take three points of piercing damage. It looks nothing like, but, you know, it works. She looks like she's wearing a robe now instead of, more like a creepy wizard's robe than anything else. All right.
- Why are you not here? - That's perfect. And then for me, what I can be is I can be an idiot sidekick. And it's gonna be hard for me to play because I'm so smart. But I think I can do it. - My blood pressure just dropped. - I'm sorry, why? - The big constitution saving drop.
I think it's the bro. 19. Okay. You do not buzz out. You see stars for a little bit. No, I'm kidding. All right. All right, I think you're fine. You can't go on. Because of the voice. Let's hurry, let's hurry. All right, I'll follow you. There was that poke named Seymour. I start to race down, taking the path that we know, the return path. Oh, Bitsy, Bitsy. We gotta have fake names. Okay.
You wait back on the stairs, you go back to the floor. You go back down and you keep going back up the top of the stairs. But this is your thing, right? Like you gave... You call Grumly "Grums" or whatever all the time. I didn't think that was a fake name. I thought that was his real name until someone said "Grumly" around him. People don't use each other's names anymore. Okay. Yes, sure. What's my fake name? Peggy. That's really good, Bitsy. We should try again though, I think. Alright.
Gepi. You want my name to be Gepi? That's the first thing that came to mind. Okay, well what's your name then? Oh no, I got it. Bertha. 'Cause it's kinda like Bitsy but not... Yeah? Yeah, I was gonna go with Stibby but I figured... Bertha sounds nice. It's short for Bertholomew. I love it. Perfect. So, Bertholomew, Bertha, and what was my name again?
"Steeby?" Yeah, that's exactly what you said. "All right, Steepy, let's go!" So Steepy and Bertha are going to make their way down to the wall. Okay. You make your way. Who's in the lead? I'm in the lead. I'll roll a d2 for you. A d2? Jesus fuck, Derek. I get a two. A one.
Well, it says two at the top here. You could do evens and odds. If it's a D2, it's a one. Well, a one and two can be one and two. Is it a one or a two? Yeah. It's a two. All right, all right. This very mangled squirrel will be two. I got a one. Oh, I was looking for mangled squirrels. Look at this mangled squirrel. It's a fire blossom! You make your way down, and you...
kind of notice it's gotten eerily quiet. As you turn down and you see the room out ahead of you, and both of you are absolutely stunned at what you see.
You see several chair, uh, uh, bench chairs, uh, along one side of the room, and a long, smooth, polished, uh, uh, planks of wood, uh, stretching all the way across the other side of the room, as you see, uh, lined up several rows of, uh, wooden, uh, white wooden pins, as you realize that you've walked into a duck pin bowling, uh, alley. Oh, wow.
You're right. This is awful. Elvatora. That's crazy. Unlike anything I've ever seen before. I feel like people named Derek are really good at that for some reason. And you realize that on one of the tables of this, there is a plate of mysterious...
mysterious food items from as far as you can see. And Peggy, you realize now that you've only heard the sounds that you thought you heard. You never saw a room. You never saw cultists. You never saw a statue. No, that's true. You have no way to know that Bitsy didn't just see a duck in a bowling alley in the bowels of this. Oh boy.
You're sowing distrust amongst us, right? This is not good. Now, to be fair, Bertha, there is something horrific about duck pin bowling. Quite a few things, in fact. But this looks like something that most people in their middle ages would do on a Friday night. I swear, this is where it all went down. It was dark. And now that I'm thinking about it with clarity...
Those, I heard. That disgusting Hollywood guy. I heard him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he did. Yeah. But the last time I saw him, he was throwing tapioca pudding at my photorealistic feet in the middle of a strip club. That was tapioca pudding? I sure hope it was. It was quite warm now that I think about it. Regardless. So that, in itself,
Does not denote cultists. But they were in robes and there was a statue and there was all kinds of dark light. Do you see what I'm wearing right now? This is a robe. I unclasp it and it falls to the ground. And now I am naked. Do you know what people do when they're naked, Bitsy? Well, sometimes. I pull the robe back on and clasp it. I stand by my original point. There was just sex in here. Sniff. Tell me what you smell. Sniff.
What do I smell? Make a perception check. I'm gonna go with a 19. 19. Oh no. You smell dust. You smell a little bit of mildew. And you smell the plate of deviled eggs that is sitting on the table on one of the bowl of ice. Deviled fish eggs.
I smell, I smell them deviled fish eggs over there. So you smell eggs? Uh-huh. I rest my case. I'm not a lawyer, but... Booker. Yes? What are you playing on the piano? Yeah, I mean, as long as people are feeding me drinks, I'm gonna keep performing, right? And I'm happy to do that. And I'm playing more furry Joel originals. Like, for one that goes...
♪ Horny is such a bony word ♪ ♪ Everyone is so balls blue ♪ ♪ Horny ♪
♪ Is hardly ever cured ♪ ♪ And mostly I need lube to coom ♪ Thank you, thank you! Thank you, yes, I'll take another moment if you're serving it up. Please, please, please. - That same foxy cocktail waitress comes back. - Yeah, thanks, Schtutz. - And she kind of flicks her tail and she says,
Yeah, that happens to me all the time. She kind of like rubs your arm. Tell me what you're doing later. Maybe I can help each other out with that. Thanks for another drink, sweetheart. Make a persuasion check. Derek, can I borrow some dice? Thank you. Persuasion check. Thank you. You get the weird dice. That's going to be a 27. 27 with my plus 9. I get off at 4.
A.M. or P.M.? What time is it? What day is it? I don't even know. A.M. What time is it now? I'm still playing. I'm, like, vamping. Here's my room key. Okay. I've had a lot to drink. You see, in double here... Don't show it to anybody, okay? Don't show anybody your room key? What? Okay, fine. That's weird. It's a weird thing to say. Promise me you're not going to show my room key to anybody. Yeah, promise whatever you want, sweetheart. Sure.
Slick it in my back pocket then. Oh. Oh. Careful. She puts it in as you're playing. And she gives you a wink. And the tail flicks. Oh, oh, hot stuff. I just keep playing. Keep singing songs. As long as people are enjoying themselves and having a good time and nobody's kicking me off the piano, I'm going to keep going. Okay. Keep the party going. Yeah. You got it. You got it. She kind of stands there waiting a little bit as she gives you the key. What?
I don't have any money for a tip, can I? I'll give you a tip later, you know what I mean? Booker's very drunk. Booker's very drunk. She leaves. She leaves. Make up a helmet trick to see how you're doing. Sure. Fifteen, not bad. Fifteen.
These aren't even dice! Grab the top one. He just gave you a box of Legos. This is a d20. Thank you. No, that is not. Thank you. Oh, there's another pen in here. This is funny. I appreciate it, Mace. You never trust Derek to help you. You didn't give me any dice when I told you I needed some. You took half of the set, and then you gave it back. Oh yeah, that's fair. I'm trying to see if... Let me just quickly...
Is it safe to play? It's royalty free. Royalty free Billy Joel-esque. Hold on, hold on. Just because it's royalty free doesn't mean it's copyright free. Yeah. You think people just go on the internet and tell lies? Yeah, why would they do that? That doesn't make any sense. Ugh.
It is... So you keep playing. And you do a pretty good job. People are really excited. It's the late night crowd. It is after midnight. Ah, get them going. Keep them going, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And you're very drunk. Mm-hmm. Every single waitress that comes by, it might be like a new one many times, and you tell them that you don't have money for a tip. If you go to Epidemic Sound and search, like, Billy Joel, you might find something you could play.
- Pawn five. - Pawn five. - Pawn five. - Pawn five. - Jean Claude and Grumly, you've been wandering for 10 minutes. As you find storage closets, you find a boat room with small rowboats. You find what looks like an old abandoned kitchen. You keep trying to find your way out, but there's no stairs up. What do you do?
I say, I say, I don't know why we followed Bitsy into that room. We should have just gone to the room. We had a plan. Well, aren't we supposed to be on a heist?
Well, of a sort. I mean, we had a plan to do a thing. We just had to go to the room and I could have just written it all up and instead we came across some horrible cultists doing some weird stuff. Oh, no. They killed that guy. And maybe did see him. Oh, and Peggy. Yeah, we should be more upset about the old Alton John experience. Whoever that was. He was fine. Yeah.
Supply act. I mean, if he's willing to sacrifice a performing artist who's just mimicking another artist just for getting his crocodile alligator situation wrong, I say, I say, what would he do if he found us out? I was hoping he would play arms still clamming, but he didn't. That one's my favorite.
Are you saying he deserved it? No! No, I'm not saying he deserved it. It should've been obvious to play that one. If he had played I'm Still Clamin' instead,
of crocodile... the equivalent of rock. Similar, but legally distinct. Crocodile mud rock. And maybe he wouldn't have offended Mr. Ledoux. Well, I suppose you could make the argument that it was all on him. I mean, it's a silly choice, really. And why even risk it if you know who owns that joint? Considering the purveyor of this establishment, I mean, it was a foolish decision. Well...
I mean, do we think maybe because they're all cultists and maybe they're still killing that guy, maybe they're all distracted and we try to find, like, the vault or the room where they keep all the money.
If that's a thing. I don't know if that's a thing. But if you could look at the map, maybe it says right there. Yeah, I mean, we could refer right back to it. I mean, we're not having any better luck. We found a defunct kitchen. Is there anything in the kitchen? I'll do a quick check. Defunct kitchen. It is defunct. It looks like all of the stores are very long-term preserved. So it would have been things like...
dry goods and like cans of things that could be... This looks like it's been kind of repurposed into a secondary storage room. Pickled shishito peppers. You tell me what you're looking for and I'll tell ya. I don't know. Like a fully made Scooby-Doo sandwich.
Oh, we could make comedically tall Dagwood sandwiches. That's exactly right. I'm hungry. I mean, I wouldn't mind. I mean, it's going to take me a second to understand this map. Well, you haven't opened the fridge, so... Oh, hold on. No, no. You look at the map and I'll make us Dagwood sandwiches. Well, I think that's about a fine idea, Grumman. You open the fridge...
And despite nothing else being in this kitchen, there is perfect, there's several loaves of bread, several things of meat stuff, sliced meat stuff, several things of cheese, and mustard. Oh, they got all the stuff right here. No, this is perfect. Oh, and olives and toothpaste. Oh, do you want mustard or mayonnaise? Oh, I have to say, I mean, mayonnaise is my preference.
So that means no mustard? Well, you can do them both. All of them. No, that's a good idea. I get all this stuff and I make two comically large Dagwood sandwiches. Why choose? It's all on Ladoo. I'll do two of them. LAUGHTER
You enjoy commonly large Dagwood sandwiches. Uh, Bitsy and Peggy. You... You know, that was a really good egg. Wow! You know, I take a bite of one of the eggs. You know, this is...
- Oh, it's fun, and I think, like this, and I'll attempt to, I don't know how to play Tenpen Bowling. - It's just bowling, but with a tinier ball. - Is it really? - Yeah. - Oh, I would love that. - And tinier pins. - And tinier pins. - Way more than regular balls. - The ball's like this big. - Okay, okay, so I'm gonna try it like this. So I pick this up, and then I just aim for like the middle? - Yeah, you just hit that one in the front, and the other ones fall over, 'cause you hit the one in the front. - Okay, all right, all right. Just keep your voice down. I'm gonna use magic to do this, all right?
And then I sail it on through with a 19 plus something. What did you say? Athletics. Oh, God, I'm not strong. A 19. A 19. You knock down nine of the pins. Only one remains. That was amazing. Well done. This is a lot of fun. Why do people give...
You specifically shit about this. Will you teach me magic one day? No, but I'm really happy that you taught me how to play ten pin bowling. Are you sure you should be eating them eggs? Oh, you're right. I didn't think about it. I just grabbed it and started putting it in my mouth. I swear someone got murdered and sacrificed tonight here like 12 minutes ago. I don't... Look, I'm not sure that...
And truthfully, even if it did, I mean, there's no blood. There's no more screaming. All I hear are the sounds of the wind rushing through the willows. Are you sure? I'll listen again. Nothing. Yeah, just quiet. So we might. Wait. Did you hear that? I think so. Okay, hold on.
Nothing that time at all. Yeah, no, I couldn't hear anything either. So I guess we just play some more ten pin bowling eventually. Oh, I'm being sacrificed tonight here. I swear. You swear what? I swear I heard someone say I'm being sacrificed tonight here. Okay, you know what? You know what? We'll figure this out once and for all, okay? Okay. Okay. I'm being sacrificed tonight here. Here.
You feel better now? I feel much better. My turn.
- Steve! - Oh, that animation's weird. - It's going on forever. - Are we supposed to be keeping score on this? I'm gonna take one more time. - Yeah, you just put it right here. You just have to, and then it's on the big screen. - All right, well, here I go. And then we're just gonna keep like dead and bowling. - The animation.
Uh, is... Is he balling a group of hooded bowling balls? Jesus. Sacrificing a bowling pin! The pins strapped to the ground. That's weird. Why are you stabbing the pin over our... Oh, that's a lot of blood. Good lord. Who animates these? I don't even know pins can bleed. What kind of sick fuck...
We thought we were gonna die. That's a nightmare. My chest. As you play, how many of the double eggs do you eat, Peggy? Oh, like seven. Seven. Can you make a constant statement? Seven times. My neck hurts. This one. I don't blame you. Four. The...
Drugs hit you. Yeah. And it is really good. It's like the good stuff. And so you are absolutely in the zone and you just feel the, however Peggy would process it, really, really great high. From very high quality, expensive, rich person drugs. Oh, geez. Oh, okay. The plot thickens. Yeah, so I mean, all I'm saying is, oh, oh, oh, look at that. Look at all those little mice in the carpet.
What are you talking about? Are they your family? What mice in the carpet? What mice in the carpet are you talking about? I hate you so much! I hate you.
Skippy, you're not answering me. Which voice are you talking about? Do you have any voice, Skippy? I don't know what you mean by voice. It's your turn. You have to go up. It's your turn to bowl. It's your turn to bowl, Skippy. Skippy. Answer me, Skippy. Just take the bowl. The pins are all set up for you. Yeah, I'll take the bowl.
Hand it to me. Wow, I can see the universe in your eyeball. I've got the universe in my eyeballs? My name's Gibby. That's what I just said. There are mice in the carpet. My name's Bertha. Yeah. Oh, wow, this feels furry. It shouldn't. That doesn't sound right at all. I don't think you should have any more of them eggs. Can you give me another one of those eggs? Okay. There you go.
Oh, good. Hi. Are you really going to eat me? I mean, I was thinking about it. Oh, that would be awful. There were a lot of people killed by those cultists here. Oh, my God. The cultists are real. And then I'm going to sit there and just talk to the egg for like five minutes. That's what I've been saying. I'm going to start looking around. Can you shut up? I'm talking to this egg.
While she's talking to the egg, I am going to see if I can find any more evidence of cultists or of blood or of a voice. Meanwhile, all the animations in the background... All the screens in the background are different sacrificial sides. We didn't do it, but if we did, here's how we do it. Jesus! This is one hell of an occupational hazard. Booker. Yeah?
You see that a jazz quartet is arriving and getting their instruments out, seemingly getting ready for the next set. I guess I gotta start winding it down here. I know, but you know what I mean? It's just...
Take my drink and I'll walk on over to the normal booker. Be normal. Nobody can tell you're drunk. Walk on over to the courtyard. Warm them up for you, boys. Good luck. Great crowd. Great crowd. Crowd.
Good luck. Yeah, well, good to see you, Elton. You're looking a little different than I remember. That's furry Joel. That's furry Joel. I'm Elton. I don't look like a fucking owl to you? Yeah, well, you know. I'm a raccoon. You never know. Fur, I got fur. You never know. It's an otter. He has a big standing base case. Okay. Be careful about mentioning certain freshwater, saltwater creatures around here. Just a word of advice. Like what?
Fresh what's you figure out? Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. Yeah, okay, man. Never better. Have a good night Yep, feeling good. Yeah, what was your name furry furry Joe is Joel is it furry? What is first name the first names furry? Why are you why you ask now? You know nothing nothing. Oh, yeah
All right. Am I free to go? Are you... Oh, no. Are you entertaining me? I'm just making conversation. Yeah, no, the boys are setting up. I don't really got to do much, yeah. Okay. All right. Am I free to go?
Free to go. I mean, it's a free forest, so... That's what I was gonna say. I thought this was a dimwood. It's a free... Well, I mean, technically, you know, technically our clearing is ruled by a totalitarian, oppressive, burdened aristocracy, but... I gotta go. I gotta go look at a key. I'm gonna go look at a key. I gotta go. All right. Pleasure talking to you. Dude.
I'm gonna walk off. I'm gonna stumble off. I'm gonna find a seat somewhere. Maybe even at like a blackjack table or something. - Yeah, there's a blackjack table. You equip with a blackjack and you see a porcupine dealer as he is dressed in a vest
very sharply dressed. You see the staff here are very much like, this is the Luxo Casino in the clearing, as he deals you in. Yeah, I would use the tips that I made to just play a little bit here. Not like aggressively, just to pass the time. I'm a little worried about where my friends are, but I'm not like,
I'm just like, they'll show up when they show up. They do this, right? And when I sit down, I remember the key in my back pocket. Oh, yeah. And I try to sneak a glimpse at the key under the table while they're dealing me in, and I'm just making small talk. This is going to be a good night. Good, it's going to be good. You pull out the key, and you notice that it is... When you touch it, it feels a little...
And you pull it out and you realize it's made out of this oily, slimy stone. It's not a metal key. As you see the room number 66 is carved into it. As you see that... Make a perception check for me. Nice. 27. 27? Stone cold silver. Silver like a fox.
In the six, it's very clearly says 66 and as you look into it, you see that there's very subtle carvings that almost look like it's the body of a fish that's carved into this key. On theme is establishment. Wonderful theming, a through line, I see it. I see the through line in the marketing.
Okay. I'm gonna keep my eye on the time and wait to see when it's starting to get closer to four. Okay. To maybe make a rendezvous. Yeah. The clock is very well hidden. You have to basically go down through several hallways to know to find the time. I keep my eye on the time best I can, talking to people, and then when it is roughly getting to be near the end of the evening...
I will make my way, try to find this room, make me find room 66. There's probably another hour and a half. Yeah, no rush. As the dealer is dealing you in, he says, You know, I was really hoping you'd play Uptown Squirrel. I did play that one, you drunk?
I played it, are you drunk? I played that one. I just got on shift, I may have missed it. Oh, I shouldn't have called you drunk, that was rude. I take it back. I apologize. Here, here's a little extra something for you. Keep doing good. Thanks for the tip, thank you kindly, sir. You're welcome. Someone comes and brings you a drink. Thanks, dudes. I give her a thank you. She looks at you and smiles. Baby doll. What?
- You want a tip? Here's a tip, go get a haircut. - She glowers at you and struts away as you continue to play blackjack. Actually, make me two performance checks. - Sure. Oh, first one is a 21. - Okay. - Nice. - The second one is a 21! Double 14s.
Okay. That's the whole blackjack! You got, from the tips over the course of the night, you got 42 gold pieces. Damn. As in tips. Good number. They're all in chips, obviously. But you are able to utilize them, and we'll see how well you do. If only. Get out, my dad. Booker is playing blackjack.
Peggy and Bitsy are playing bowling. Jean-Claude and Grimley. Man, that was pretty good. You are shouting through... I hit a really good spot. Better than Big Sloppy Daddy earlier.
I'll say, you make one heck of a mean sandwich. Oh, thank you, Jean-Claude. I mean, the way you stack those meats and the cheese. Oh yeah, sort of, you know, in the two olives, it looks sort of like a smiling little guy. You look a little bit like a face. Yeah, that's right. Exactly right. So, do you figure out where we're going to heist?
you know what we can make a cartographer tools intelligence i will assist and we're using five twists
15. Not bad. Hey! That's pretty good. You don't see anything that's labeled secret vault or heist here. You don't see any kind of... You see that there are various storage rooms. You do know that there are the rooms where they keep the chips and they process the money. That is on the first floor. That is behind that row of...
of counters. Where that processing seems to go. Do I think that...
what I'm seeing on the map where the chips are, is that just the same room as where the counters are that you'd see from the floor? Or is there a room just behind that? There's a room behind it in the walls, and I would say that with that, you do find that there does seem to be a shaft system to go up to the top part of the riverboat, which you presume to be Mr. Ledoux's private quarters to perhaps exchange the money up and down.
Well, I say, I dare say, Grumly, I think I've found maybe something we can take a look at together. Oh, you found a vault? Well, not exactly. I thought there'd be something on here that would say Ocean's Eleven here. But in fact, what I found is the chip changing room right off the main hallway where the employees handle the chips and trade them out for money. Clams, as you will. So chips are money?
Chips are like a representation of money as you play at the table. Oh, so they keep the money there? Let's hope. Oh, oh, so there's not-- so we know the chips will be there, but not necessarily
The money. The clams. Well, not necessarily the money, but I say we go take a look at it. I mean, it's possible that they... That's what they're doing over there is that they have to be able to pay people out at the window. You see, if you win big on the floor, they take the chips and they have to have a reserve of clams. Like a giant pile of 30,000 clams just laying there. Like a giant pile of 30,000
- Oh, that's a great idea. - Well, I don't even have to, I don't have to deceive Mr. Ledoux to his face and potentially run the risk of getting sacrificed to some horrible creature of the river. - All right, well, I guess if that's where you think is best, I'll follow by, wait, hold on. Before we do that, it's a good plan, it's a good plan, but let's look again. - Oh, God. - And look to see if there's any rooms labeled anything muck related.
Or vaguely shellfish-esque. Well, okay, well, let's see here. There's a legend, and some of it points to maybe muck. Because Booker's always saying, where there's muck, there's clams, is what the others say. So maybe... Over behind your head, you hear a little Booker head abuse, and it's like in a... Where there's muck, there's clam! See? There's clam, there's clam. A tiny Booker does appear on your shoulder. Oh, hey, Booker.
So, what do you think about this? I have a look at the map. Little Booker, you don't see anything. You have no idea what he's doing. Little Booker looks up at the map. Oh, I've missed you, Booker. What does Little Booker say?
It would be a super high-pitched version of, and he would be looking at me saying, Grumly, I'm so proud of you. You're my best friend. I'm so glad we traveled the Dimwood together. I couldn't imagine this journey with anyone other than you. I feel the same way, although I hate to tell you that Bitsy and Peggy may be dead.
That's so unfortunate. They were my friends, too, too. But not as good a friend as you. Oh, you know, I didn't want to say that because that's a very rude thing to say, but...
You're a better friend to me than the rest of them. Oh, Grumly, you're the best. Oh, well, what do you think about the map? I mean, that's why I put you down here. I don't think you've had a chance to take a look yet. What? The map? The map. But I'm just a figment of your imagination. I can read this just as well as you can. Oh! Wait, are you telling me that...
That dog was in me all along. And then I can read the map and figure this out, and I don't have to rely on Jean-Claude?
Sort of. Mostly what I'm saying, though, is that I'm worried that we can't read. No! Read, read, read. Tiny Booker fades. Oh! No, we can do this, Booker! We're gonna do this! And I pick up the map, and I look, and I try to see anything that's like...
Shiftily named, that would be either shellfish related or muck related. Make the cartographer tools check. Intelligence at advantage. Oh boy. Because you're being helped by Booker. Yeah, I'm being helped by my best friend. Intelligence, you say? Oh, that's plus one. Okay. I'm using five twists. 23. Let's go! Well done!
You look, and you find something very suspicious. Labeled in this schematic is a room that seems to be about the size of a small restaurant, and it's called the Muckshed and Raw Barn. You don't recall seeing any sort of restaurant called that on the ship, on the boat. Wait, Jean-Claude, look! Booker just found this!
He did it! He did it! The Muckshed and Rawbarn, well, Grumly, I have to say, I thought you were going a little crazy there for a second, but I think you may have found something. He's so clever. You mean Booker? Yeah, he figured his map out all by himself. Wow! I can't believe, you know what? It's in that moment you realize just how quiet and alone you all are. You really are. LAUGHTER
That sucks. I haven't seen any signage for a raw bar, have you? No, I have not. You're absolutely right. In fact, I've not seen a sign for any restaurant here. I think they just deliver everything to you. I would bet every clam I have that that's where they keep the money. How many clams do you have? I don't have any clams. What? What?
But if I did, I would bet them all, let's go, let's go. Oh, well, all right, all right. Let's head to the muck shed and roll. Peggy and Bitsy. I love this so much. We're making things so hard. Please stop splitting the party. Peggy and Bitsy. Yeah? Peggy is tripping balls as she gets better at bowling. Oh, no, I'm not bowling. I'm talking in the air. Oh.
Perfect. The egg begins to talk back. The mouse speaks only lies. I had a feeling that was the case, egg. Did she bring me in here for nefarious reasons? She wants to steal my power, doesn't she? Only the nefarious exists in the heart of the deep. So wise, egg. So wise. And I'll look to Bitsy.
She pretends to be stupid, but I think she knows a lot more than she's saying. She knows. She sees. She understands. I should kill her. Oh, no! Well, it's not me, Steve. LAUGHTER
That's a little extreme. That's fair, Egg, that's fair. I have an existential dread question for you, Egg. As I see, you're currently rotting in my hand. It's not. Am I dead? No, but you will be. How long do I have, would you say?
Ten years? You know, all perish. All decays. All is reborn in the spring. Oh, so I should not kill Bitsy. Her time will come. But I should kill myself and ascend to lichdom. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck are you talking about?
I don't know, I was just thinking, like, I mean, you have time, and I'll go sit over on the couch, and I'll hold the egg up. Bitch, you're crazy. No, seriously, I, you know, I'm so glad you're here, Eggsy, because I felt like- You know what they say, you can either be good in bed or good at bowling. Oh, I'm terrible at bowling. Actually,
- That's pretty true, I got a nine out of 10. - I have spoken my wisdom, I perish. - As you see the egg experience the full life cycle, birth, reproduction, death, decay, and renewal in the span years and years and years of the cycle of life and death,
in mere seconds before it turns into just a devil egg again. And I watch all of this and then I look to Bitsy, who's a skeleton. She's not Bitsy anymore. She's just a skeleton staring at me for a second. LAUGHTER
- It's not even a mouse skeleton. It's a spooky, scary human skeleton. - And I look back at the egg and then I look back at Bitsy who is now Bitsy again. - Bitsy. - Friends, right? - It's supposed to be Bertha.
You're right. Bertha, we're friends, right? Yeah, I think so. We've been traveling the dimwood for so long and we're close and we know everything about each other and we play games like pin... whatever the fuck this is. Have you ever yearned for the sweet lull of death? Have you ever wanted to die?
No! Why would I want that? I like living. That's great. Are you a liar? No. What if I told you my egg friend here says otherwise? Well, you can talk to eggs? Obviously. Why would the egg say that? Hey, egg, I'm not a liar. I never told no lies. You know what these lies are like.
Do you know how it goes? My friend doesn't believe what you're saying. Well, I don't understand. How can I prove my honesty? I don't know, Bitsy. How can you? Well, I spent the last five minutes looking around here for, like, cult stuff and whatever, and I was hoping to get, like... We've already tried. Hello, is there anyone here who's being murdered by a creepy cult tonight here? That time for sure, I swear! Yeah, but they didn't... Was that a yes or a no?
They seem uncertain. I try to listen for where that might be coming from. Make a percent of check, it doesn't matter. What the fuck? Six. It is coming from deep into the bowling pins. The darkness, the void beyond.
it's very clearly coming from there. I think we have to go up the lane. We have to go past the... No, no, no. And into the back area. Don't do it. Oh, God. You want us to go in the back room? Behind the pins. That's where the voice is coming from. I swear that's where I heard the voice. Eggman, does it even lie? I'll prove it to you. I'll go. And when I bring dead cultists... No, no. No, no. No, I'll come with you. If I don't trust you going back there for...
Good reasons. What if you're one of them? What if there is a cult? I don't... I'm trying to be honest with you. The only cult I saw was the night here, I swear. I want you to eat Eggman. You want me to eat Eggman? I want you to eat Eggman. And then you'll trust me? I'll be closer to it. If Eggman's the enemy and he's lying about you, then eat him. I'm sorry, Mr. Eggman.
- Sonny the Hedgehog is a bitch-ass motherfucker. - I'm so sorry! - Ow! - Wow. - You know what? I don't really care if Eggman was right about you or not, Bitsy. That was ruthless. Let's go behind those pins and see what we can find. - All right. - Oh, by the way, I'm dead. - I might be soon, too. - Make a constitution saving throw, Bitsy.
Please. We're twisting five times. Oh, up or down? Then I get 25. Wow. This is weak shit. All right, I'll lead the way. Watch out. Lane's slippery.
What are you doing? I'm walking on the-- The waxed wood. Oh, is it actually like that? Yeah, it's waxed. It's very slippery, yeah. And I start to make my way towards the back area where the pins would be set up. You do that and both of you see the darkness beyond the pins and you knock the pins aside and you venture into the darkness.
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a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th edition. And don't forget to snag all of the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. Jean-Claude Grumley, you have found the Muckshed and Raw Bar. You know where it is and you actually feel like you might be able to find a way through the secret passages there. What do we do next? Well...
I think this is it right in front of us. I think we get through this secret passage, we get into the raw bar, and we see what it holds. I mean, it could be the clams right behind here. Nothing's really gone our way this evening. Nothing, nothing. It's all been, well, something about the thing here and there, and those sandwiches are pretty good. You really stacked the deck as it were. You don't have to compliment me right now, but I'll take it. My tail starts wagging.
"I don't know, I mean, you know, it's not my first sandwich I've made, you know." Is there a secret-- is there like a hallway that we can look at? Oh, you would have to go through the network of tunnels and you would have to take a lift that you're not sure if it could fit both of you. We're not like in front of the brawl? No, no, no, no. Oh, oh, I thought we-- okay, okay. Yeah. You hold the map, and I'll lead the way.
Well, that works for me, and I think once we get there, I think we might be able to solve this whole thing. I will put my nose to the ground, and I will pretend like I'm leading the way through my nose, but really it's just Jean-Claude pointing. Right, right, up, down. And we go to the raw bar. Okay. You make your way through the...
the underbelly of the hungry catfish. And it's a little bit eerie that you occasionally hear footsteps as you make your way through, but you never see anyone. As you finally arrive at a strange, uh...
and there's a pulley system, and you can barely fit and squeeze and get squeezed side by side. Oh, sorry, sorry. Grumly takes up most of the space. And you close the grate, and you close the door, and there is a lever, and you pull the lever. You know, across the five of us, in terms of mass, we're probably like 80% of it, so, you know, the fact that we're the ones in the B plot is kind of ironic.
And that's true. As you hear... As the lift jolts and you begin to rise up. Booker. You see that cocktail waitress. Is it time? Tell me it's time. You've been playing blackjack. And you're a little up. You're doing really well. You play real great when you're drunk. And you see as the... From across the...
from across the casino, that foxy cocktail waitress. It's 4:00 a.m. and she kind of gives you a wink and then turns around and walks up the stairs towards the various on the second level.
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, you've been wonderful. You, my friend, you've been great. I gotta go. I gotta go. Good night. Can't wait until you play here again. Two trips to the foxhole in one day. Hopefully I don't miss Uptown Squirrel again. Man, I'm funny. I have depression.
Anyway. One for the road. And I will stumble. I'll take it and I will... No, without even... I stumble away. I start to stumble away. Key in hand. In my left hand, drink in my right hand as I begin to stumble towards where I believe the rooms are and perhaps room 66. Make an intelligence check at disadvantage. As you get your way to the...
You go down and you find room 33. That's not right. And so you find it. My high was a 17, my low was a 9, which gives me a 12. 12. Okay. 99? 36. Be careful, Booker. 6 and 6 add up to 13. I thought I had...
You make your way and you see down, as you hit a dead end, you hear these footsteps of heels on a wooden floor. As you look down towards the end and you see a bright red tail swoosh past and walk further away, back towards the way that you came. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
What was that? And you follow and your cocktail waitress is not there. As you make your way and you stumble through the various levels and rooms of the hotel portion of this casino, as you eventually find yourself in a dark part of the casino, you haven't seen, you're walking down hallways with no rooms at all.
And it still has that hotel carpet, but you do not see anything until you see a... until you see a singular door at the end of the hallway. And it has a dark oaken door with a dark keyhole. And it seems very far away yet very close at the same time. That's gotta be it, huh?
Are you there? Pretty lady? Are you there? Where are you? I'm coming. Here I come. Right to room 66. I'll continue to saunter down the hall, try to get closer to this door, to see if I can find a number plate on it. You do. And you see on the plate, it says very clearly carved in the exact same way, 66.
And we go right on time. Let me see if I can get this right here and there. Oh, tight fit.
- There we go, and I'll try to turn the key and let myself in. Coming in! - The light turns green. - I'm knocking on, if the door will open, I will knock as I'm like going in. - You open the door and you knock as you open as
You hear a ding as the lift slides open. As... No, no. As Peggy and Bitsy, you stumble through around the machinery and climb and climb as eventually, suddenly the floor gives out from underneath you as you plummet into a room and suddenly all five of you are together. What looks like a...
very quaint clam seafood restaurant and raw bar.
as you see that there's flickering candlelight, as you smell the rich, fatty seafood, as you stumble upon this scene, all of you look at each other, as you all stumble out of the various places that you've been, as you see that at the very far end, there's only about a dozen tables in this place, a small doorway that goes to the back,
as you see at the, there's a corner table, a candle at the center of it. You see an otter. He is old. He is overweight.
He is leaning forward as he is pushing some noodles around. As you see, there's all variety of clam dishes all over this table, a large basket of bread and butter. As he is...
As I'm entering this area, before I've laid eyes on my friends and what's happened before me, I'm stumbling in and I say, all right, baby, I'm here. Sorry about that tipping thing earlier. I just realized I got a bad shot and I wasn't raised right. What the fuck is all of this? Hi! You're still crammed on the lift. Yeah, they're crammed on the lift. You had fallen on the floor in front of Booker. Oh my god, you guys, you didn't die! Oh my god, Bitsy, they're the cultists? Oh my god, they're the cultists.
What are you talking about cultists for? We were ex- We've been killing folks and sacrificing them to
We should have known the moment Booker said something about not here. We should have known. No, I've been looking for a hot fox lady. She was right around the corner. She gave me a key. So you could sacrifice and kill her? No, no, no. I was trying to, well, I'm not going to get into what I was trying to do, but the point is, this isn't a hotel room at all. How could you, Bits, Booker, whatever your name is? I don't know what to do here. The egg told me that Bitsy was a liar, and now I find out you guys are the cultists. No, we were just...
were with you when you saw the cultists killing people. We ran away because we had phobias of that. I'll say I think I straightened my mind. You ran away so that your cultist friend Booker could kill us when we weren't looking. I've been playing the piano all night. I was gambling playing blackjack. I just came down here. I've been at the casino floor all night. Who's this guy then?
Oh my god, there's a guy here! There's a restaurant! What the hell? What is going on? It's actually a robber. I can't believe it. And he's eating pasta. You see a waiter come out as out of the door in the back and he pours, he refills the wine glass of the old otter as he just gives him a nod and then the waiter disappears. Which one of you brought this guy? Do you...
has booker ever met this guy you would know immediately that this is don gino gabagool the gobblegold crime fan the leader of the river folk company the shell company of their criminal enterprise they take a few steps forward and i just come in and i look at them and i take a few more steps forward and i say oh no no it's a guy it's the don
What? Don, it's the Don. He's the guy, he's the guy. His name's Don, you know him? It's the Don, it's the title. Hey Don, it's nice to meet you. He's a guy, he's a high up guy. Please don't cultist us. He's a big boss, man. Is your name Donovan? Why don't you have a think? I'm sorry that I am not as young and beautiful or shapely.
It's Ruby. She's a good kid, though. That's okay. She's a good kid. I'm sorry that she had to deceive you such as this. Don't be. It's not... Please, please. Fine. Have a seat at my table and enjoy of my clams. Thank you. Enjoy of my offering. Oh, that would be lovely. Awesome. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I can't. I'm actually an agitarian, so... You'll love the clam man and go...
The clan man of God, what? I heard, I don't know. Clan man of God? I heard clan man of God. Sit down. Okay. I'm trying to enjoy my forehand dinner. I sit. Your forehand dinner? No, he said forehead. My forehand dinner. Don't be rude, he clearly had a stroke. Leave the guy alone. I'm sorry, Donovan, I didn't realize you had a stroke. There.
That is way too dark. Well, if you're inviting us... My doc says that's perhaps inevitable. And that if I am at risk of a stroke, I should avoid my orange garland.
They'll still pay you for Superman 1 and 2. You're going to be all right. Oh, my God, Derek. That's very funny.
Bitsy has weird moments of clarity sometimes. You'll have to excuse her. I'll take a seat and I'll sit up and I'll take the napkin and I'll stuff it into my three layers of clothing so that I keep everything nice. I'm covered in blood. This ridiculous ripped carpet has been pinned to me. Guys, don't gobble. What are you doing down here? Better yet, what are we doing down here?
Well, you were the one who made an honorable and worthy sacrifice to the Great Deep One, Night Here. What? We didn't make any sacrifice. I knew you was a cultist. Which one of you? Everyone who is rich and successful and famous in this woodland
is the contest you don't know that i knew it you're saying that everybody's just like all this so you mean like how's that possible you might join claude chantecler's brother as a cultist well i'm john luke chantecler what's the difference well we're brothers and he's a different one of me but this is here i mean the rich and handsome and successful one that's a that one's a cultist you think that
You think that my accountant makes enough money to be considered successful by any reasonable person? Much less his failure of a brother? Oh, I just saw him at the strip club, you know, surrounded by... What was his name?
What was that name? Oh my, I saved my old bodyguard, Pistachio and Piss. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, Piss and Stachio. Piss. Piss. I saved my old bodyguard
- Batagal, Tashio, and Peas. - Jean-Claude, you say that weird. - It's Jean-Luc. - Why do you say that weird? - Jean-Luc, fucker. - You say piss weird, why do you say that weird? - The name of the Batagal. - His name is Peas. - Tashio and Peas. - His name is Peas. - That's exactly right. - Like the little peas, like the little-- - Why is he putting so much flair on it? It's like he sounds like his mouth doing a holocaust, he's like Peas. - Tashio and Peas, the twins?
Well, yeah, exactly right. The bodyguards provided to me Jean-Luc. They're all so skinny, flea-thin. Guys, why are we doing this? Oh, I was just going to ask. So I can just dig in, right? I did just have a... Do you all have some wine? ...Dagwood sandwich and a Big Sloppy Daddy. I would love some wine. That'd be great. Thank you. I certainly have. I don't know. I see you've some...
Sorry, Jonathan, I have to ask. Are you part of the Illuminati? The La-li-lu-lay-lo? The Veiled Council? The Obsidian Circle? The Silent Hand? The Shrouded Order? The Guild of Veil? Are you part of the Conclave of Whispers? Well, if I told you that, I would have to kill you. Don't, no, no, no, don't tell her that. I don't want to. We'll be fine. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Right away or like later?
At my leisure, I'm not as spry as I used to be. I used to be a big, strong otter. You may not be able to believe it, but now my strength is in the political power and economic power that I wield. And a little bit of dabbling in dark magic to ancient fish gods by desecrating the forests and battling with ancient deer gods. Did he invent magic?
Yeah, I did. My name's Stibby, by the way. It's nice to meet you. Oh, and this is Bursa. Oh, Bursa.
And this is Hank. Nah, I named him Booker. Some people call me Furry Joel. Dang, no, you're Booker. You're Beauregard's kid. Yeah, that's right. That's right. My old man, he's in some trouble. He's in a lot of trouble. Oh, he's in a lot of trouble. You have no idea how much trouble your old man is in. I got a pretty good idea. About 100,000 ideas about it. Yeah, do you know what we do to bums like him? Oh, no. I can only imagine. He's sleeping with the fishes.
That's exactly right. Who told you that? You guys tell us that all the time. It's kind of, you catch... Everyone's blabbing. This thing that we have and everybody talks. It was particularly piss. He's the one who's talking about the fish, sleeping with the fishes. Oh, piss. That's 20 years in the can. I'm sorry. You had to fight out this way. And he just blabs his mouth. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to cause trouble.
Please, please, please don't kill Booker's dad. They just reconnected and rekindled their relationship. And I really think it's going very well. I didn't witness the... No, no, no you didn't. I think it's really going pretty well. I really think they truly, deeply love each other.
Well... We love each other? What I will say is that all Beauregard is lucky. Maybe it's true what they say that raccoons have three lives. Hey, three lives? Really? I never heard that before. I'm a raccoon. You got three lives? Maybe. I don't know. Maybe that was horses or something. Those are very... I don't mean to be presumptuous, Don, but those are very different animals. You ever hear of a horse?
Oh, you've met a horse before? I've heard of them. Don't they have human teeth? I've heard of them. What's a human? I don't know. I just heard that they had human teeth. Well, they have horse teeth. No, no, no, no, no. I think you're thinking of something else. I've met some real nice horses. What?
You've never met a horse before? When would you have met a horse? Oh, from back home in Felicia. There's no way there were horses in Felicia. Oh, there's a bunch of horses. Yeah, I've met horses. Horses are like bigger than the mythical deer creatures. Are you mispronouncing a word? What? Do you mean hoses? No, no. A horse. What I was trying to say, maybe, I don't know, maybe it's a newt or something.
I can't remember all the things my crazy kids talk about. Is that your old man is lucky that I have use of someone with the blessing of the nice one. You understand? What do you mean? Dad can't be that lucky. He's down 100,000 clams. What I'm saying is that I am a generous and forgiving Don. You understand?
Okay. And I have youth of a bunch of drifter vagabonds that nobody never cared about. Oh, God. We can stay in connection with them. Nobody's going to miss us if we die. What you're saying about that is it kind of hurts a little bit. I will be happy to forgive your father's immeasurable death to my family. And we might break bread once more.
And perhaps I will invite him to my grandson's christening next month. That sounds lovely.
So what you're saying is that if we do a favor for you with some kind of job, us five drifters who... That's exactly right! ...through the process of this may learn too much. You know them dogs are smart. And no one will miss us if we disappear. We just help you and Booker's dad's gonna be okay? That's exactly right. Oh! This is amazing news! Yeah, it's great.
That's wonderful. I appreciate you giving us the jets. All I'm going to say is there's a magistrate that needs his fucking throat cut. I'm just going to say it. Point me in his direction. I got you. Does it have to be cut or could I ignite him into flames in front of your breast? Literally not even a fragment of a bone left where he was standing. I thought you were going to tell us you needed our movements. You were going right to hit him then?
Right to assassins? Political assassin, that's exactly right. I feel like I was very clear with that. Do you need more clams, kid? Give me a name and no one will ever know I was here. I could use more clams, yeah, I'll take some clams. I'll have seconds, please. That'd be lovely. I've had a lot to drink tonight. I will not be divulging the name. How am I supposed to kill him if I don't know he weans? I need to understand that you are loyal to the family and this thing that we have. Do you understand? I don't like where this is going. Can you pass the man a goblin?
The man of God? The man of God, right there. The clan of God. The clan of God. Oh, and that's the clan of God. The clan of goo. This is all. This spread is lovely, Don. Thanks for having us. The food is fantastic. And if you don't mind me, I'll enjoy an orange.
He bites into it and squirts orange juice all over all of us. You all wait with bated breath. He's a manicure vet.
My arms are a little numb. As he slowly eats the orange as you all wait with bated breath. And he goes, okay, that was delicious. Oh, gosh. Real watchers of a Van Tristle know. You must know I really like the vitamins. You know, it staves off scurvy. You know what that is? Scurvy? Yeah. Like a really sexy person?
No. Anyways. Oh wait, isn't it that old people disease? Where their skin gets all flaky? No. Anyways. There's a magistrate from the earring that has come in. He's new. He's an upstart. He thinks he's all about the law, all about justice, all about putting an end to this thing that we have. People like myself, like my very dear, dear, dear friend, Mr. Ledoux.
that we are operating and have too much power when the Eyrie are the ones who should rule this woodland. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, they can follow along, yeah. And then he had the audacity to have my kid brother executed. Oh, no!
Executed? Killed? Executed. Oh, I'm so sorry. And all they had in mind was just a couple of murders. Your kid brother, Chris? He was 42 years old. Oh, no. What was his name? So young. Oh, his name...
Hold on, is this very-- No, it's not. This is a painful moment. I don't mean to pry. Give him some time, he's mourning the loss of his kid brother. Take a second. If anything happened to my old man, I'd feel the same way. I don't mean to pry, I'm so terribly sorry. His name, it was Salam. Salam. He was Salami.
Poor Salami. Salami. All he did was just a few murders. I always called them Little Sausage. Little Sausage? I bet that was real sad for him. If anything had happened to you, would he have been Dom Salam? Is that how that works? Is it passed down through the borderline? And you understand. He's ignoring me. I thought it was very clever, Booker. Wait, what did you say, Booker?
- I asked him if anything would have happened to him. His younger brother was still around and he would have become Dom Salam. - Dom Salam, oh Dom Salam. - No, no, he's not in. I have been preparing my dear son. - My dear son, Chris? - Oh, I got a nickname for your dear son. If you called your brother Lil Sausage, you could call your son Lil Sperm.
And the reason I say that is my brother, he had a friend who they called Little Sperm. That's all. I do not understand a single thing you just said. You young people. You young people with your hip-hops and your TikToks. Oh, you mean click clocks.
What I need is a bunch of disposable grifters to commit a political assassination and pledge their fealty to my family and perhaps an ancient eldritch fish god to get a bum out of a bunch of debt and probably some other stuff. Okay, so what you're saying... And my eternal friendship and everyone is invited to my grandson's christening. Okay, so what you're saying is we...
pledge ourselves to an Elder Fish God, which sounds like we already did, thanks to what Booker did, and we get to kill someone, get Booker's dad out of debt, and go join your party? Yes. I'm in. The magistrant was making an example of little Salami, only 42 years old. He was just a kid.
Oh, so much life left to live. And he died after doing so much time in the camp. He did 25 years in the camp. And he had just gotten out. Isn't the average lifespan at Dimwood like 60? He had just gotten out. And all he did was just only a couple of murders.
Only a couple. And just because they were visiting diplomats and it created a political international crisis that they executed him for no dang good reason. This magistrate, I tell you, the magistrate. Well, again, I'm real sorry about your brother and we would love to help you if it means that Booker's dad is going to be okay. If you do this, thank for me and my family.
I swear on the great knight here and on my honor as an otter, an otter of honor. That's what they always called me. You know that? No. They didn't know that? No. Well, actually, it's a very funny story. When I was a young otter, when I was a young kid, I used to go down to old man Vold's shop. Vold? Vold. William Vold.
Yeah. And he had a bit of a stutter and so he used to say, oh, you're a good little otter. He would say, you're a good little otter. And that's how I got the name Otter. But only he called me that and he died of it.
Well, it died of what? He died of a terrible accident. Was he eating an orange? Was he going on a jog? He just fell down the stairs. It's very accidental. It's a very common cause of death. Oh, yeah, for anybody over 40. That's right. Over 40, yeah. Why don't I go downstairs? Yes.
If you don't mind us for one second, just a quick sidebar. Yes, of course. My attorney would say sidebar. Take some time. If you would like to discuss it in the bathroom. Why the bathroom? That's a weird thing to say. You want the private thing? I swear, more privacy to shake his thing off. Did you have...
And this is an upscale establishment, yeah? You have the new splash hogs installed? Then we have the finest splash hogs. Yeah, I think we'll go to the bathrooms instead. Mr. Louie keeps the splash hogs. They're like little piglets in there. Five feet away, we'd be fine. Five feet is fine. We don't need to go far. Just over here. Let's go to the bathroom. Now, everybody...
Okay. But he can hear us. He's right there. It's the power of movie and stage magic. He's sitting right at the table. He's probably... Power of stage magic. He said sidebar. He can't hear us. Should we not have had sandwiches? Why? Oh, no.
Did we do something bad? Well, we didn't know there'd be an old mobster eating the lasagna. Eating pasta. What do you want to talk about? I mean, it looks like a chicken piccata to me, but... Grumly's only crime is that he didn't know more food was coming. Grumly didn't do anything wrong. Can you pass the lasagna, please? If we do this, it's not going back. Making deals like this is not good. It's never going to end up good for us.
Working with the mob now. Well, I say it's possibly better than the other plan he had in place. While you were down playing the piano, we were up with Mr. Louis Ledoux, and I have to say he strikes quite an imposing figure. And I don't know if I can keep up the charade in front of him. Well, I'll leave it up to you guys. I don't want to...
I'm not gonna make you do this for my dad. It's crazy. I don't want anything to happen to us. It should be me. I should be the one. You shouldn't have to shoulder this burden. This is craziness. This is insanity. I'm gonna tell you something, Booker. I don't sleep much these days. I'm running on two hours of sleep over the past three or four nights. It's terrible. Every time I close my eyes, I hear the screams. Oh.
I smell the fire, the way hair burns, squishy pop. Not the one from when I used to work at Quack Donald's, but the one when I burned those people alive in the forest. Similar, but legally distinct. What? Oh, that's when we met Bitsy. It was violent. It was very violent. And I realized in that moment that, I said, Peggy, there might be something wrong with you. It's up for debate. Because I would do it again if it meant protecting my friend.
And I hate to admit it, but you are my friend. - Wow, that sounds like one yes. - There is a possibility I slept with your dad once. So if I did, then he's also my friend. - Okay, sure.
You got me off. You got Brumley off. You got Booker off three or four times. I say, I say. And you even got Bitsy off. And so I think when it comes down to it, you're all of our friends by a lot, even though we know you the least. Well, I thank you for saying that, Peggy, because I feel that... No, it's Peggy. Well, all right. And here I've been saying Peggy this whole time.
And I didn't know for one second. I'll say, I'll say, I didn't know. It was in fact Peggy. Yeah, no, you're, yeah. We're friends. We should know each other's names. John Paul. John Luke. No, that's what he said. Okay, well, book of the way I see it, we could either flim flam.
terrible alligator cultist powerful riverboat casino owner and louie would rather have it this is a sidebar don you can't i told you guys very loudly
I'm whispering. Can you pass the spaghetti and meat? Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. Are we still sitting at the table? You got a bit of an appetite. I can't believe because of the stage whispers. You are looking like the type of guy that's got an enlarged prostate. So why don't you head over to the Splash Hog and we'll see you in a minute, yeah? I have a long time. I have a lot to eat before I need to use the restroom. That's what the guys say. You've got that enlarged prostate, but it's hard to tell.
Look at this guy, he's got a good appetite. You're a good kid. It's not that much. I bet you spend a lot of time in the job. Ah, he does. He does. And this is the worst moment. What does that mean? Is that true? This is the worst night. No, it's family style. I'm not taking that much of your time.
It's just a little bit. Every time. He does spend a lot of time. So now what's going to happen? He goes, oh, I have to go to the little barge room. And he walks away. Enjoy the clamp, I'm done. It doesn't seem like that much when you've traveled with Hazel, though, to be honest. If she were here, this entire place would have been pretty clean by now. I'm going to take some of this to go for leftovers, because, you know, I'm awfully full. Yeah, fucking save it.
I'm sorry, Bitsy. What? I didn't know. I didn't know. I don't even want to look at you right now. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Bitsy's already raring to go, right? She's got a I-could-kill-everybody-in-this-moment phase on. I could kill someone with this fork covered in this ridiculously oversized spaghetti ball. You know, they should call this Sparpegiumy balls. Why? Why?
Oh, I don't know, because spaghetti kind of sounds like Peggy. That's quite funny. I'm kind of similar. And in Gromit's defense, in his defense, when we were making sandwiches, we thought you were dead. So I'll say we didn't think to make you on the road because we thought you'd been sacrificed. Thought we were dead and you made sandwiches? No!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, that's exactly right, Gromley. We had thought they'd sacrifice the cultists. No, he's got a good point. Well, I say bye, cultists, and in that moment, overwhelmed with emotion, the only thing we could do. Whether you lived or died was unclear at the time. See, we didn't know one way or the other, so it was a possibility that
that we considered. But, I mean, you should have seen this dusty, crusty warehouse old kitchen that was actually turned into a storage room that probably hadn't been used in years, but they had a fully stocked refrigerator in there with very fresh meats and cheeses. And Brad, what was I supposed to do? Oh, that was in my personal request. Well, it was very delicious. Very delicious.
We still gotta answer the question. Are we gonna go murder someone to get, fuck his dad off? You can't ever take that blood off your hands. Cat, it's done, it's done. It's not murder if we don't kill him. You were saying that if you sleep with someone, you're friends with them? Oh, that means yeah. We've all slept with each other tons of times. Huh? What? And so that's as good of friends as you can get, right? Yep. I mean, tons of times. Dozens, right?
Yeah, you and Booker sleep together all the time. What? It's news to me. And Booker sleeps with Bitsy and Bitsy sleeps with Peggy. We all sleep together every night. Well, this is one hard group. And so what I'm trying to say is we're the best of friends. Having so much fun together. It's the right thing to do. It's what friends do is protect each other's debts.
That's kind of you to say. I appreciate the support, Gromley. You're the best. You're my best friend. And in the grand scheme of things, though we have to do a bit of murdering, just a government employee,
As far as things go, from a moral standpoint, I mean, an eerie government employee. Basically, a wall. Hard to argue with that. I mean, he's probably doing a lot of good. You're killing a government employee to save a worthless, gambling, no-good raccoon. Bum. Don't forget bum. With no morals.
in a lack of self-control. I feel like we gotta do it. What?
He was able to leave somebody mac and cheese he didn't eat at all. That's some kind of control. We're gonna be able to help Booker's dad. Grumly, I have to say, I think that's just poor planning. Alright, so we're in. Are we all in? We're in. Yeah. Yeah? Donovan, where can we find this master bean? Good.
I knew that this was going to happen. It was foretold. Quasimodo predicted this. Who? Quasimodo. What kind of name is that? My personal soothsayer of night here. He's just a little moto. This is Quasi. There. This is good. This is a good thing.
- Cosmoto can hear the whispers of night here and you will all thank me because Louie would have preferred it if we found him.
sacrificed you and threw you into the swamp and watched you get eaten by shallow twos. All of us? All of us. Shallow twos are the minions of Nighthawk. I'm so glad you explained that. We would have had no idea we were talking about that. Are shallow twos real? Shallow twos. They're certainly real. I've heard about them. I think I saw one once. You understand the
The predicament that I am in, while this magistrate draws breath, I look weak after he murdered my kid brother. And the longer that he draws breath, there will be more dysentery in the ranks. You understand this? Yeah. I lost. It means that people will stop living with their loyalty. They'll start to start leaving. Oh, no. Either that or they won't be able to afford rivers, eat vegetables.
And so, you will do this for me? Then you may kiss my ring to pledge your loyalty to me. Is that really necessary? That seems like overkill. I don't want to do that.
You have made the offering, a great offering tonight here. That is what Quasimodo has told me. Are you wearing a ring? I'm wearing a very large, brilliant ring. I'll just make sure. You may kiss my ring. And then, when you finally kill that no-good motherfucker who executed my baby brother, only 42 years old, you can all come to the reception after my
My grandson's christening next month. I have two questions. Yes? What is this government official's name? His name? Well, I will tell you when you all kiss the ring. All right. And join this thing. There's no getting out once you do this thing. I'll kiss the ring, but I want to let you know, when I got done playing the piano earlier, one of them other artists told me they were giving me the kiss of death, but he used a little tongue, and it was weird. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
He holds up his paw. I'll kiss the ring. You lean down. You're a wise kid. I knew it. He's like kind of, he slaps you on the cheek a little bit. Oh, what a good kid. You know, I, you know, I, I'm, it seems like the apple fell very far from the tree with Beauregard. You're a good, smart kid. I was a Donovan Garbagool. Oh man, yeah. Yes, young lady. I paid my loyalty to kill this
Government official. That is music to my ears, see? Wise, good friends, good... I did... The foretellings were true. Okay, I'm waiting. Oh, well, Don, I've actually already had to kiss the ring, because it's me on the roof. You're counting. I'm already pledged to you, so... I think we're good there. Well, I think that that's very interesting, because, uh... I don't... How did you lose the birthmark on your comb?
- Well, I'm no bird's a nice try, Don, 'cause there's no birthmark in this comb. - That's because that you are not Jean-Luc. I know I may look like an ailing old man and an ailing old otter, but I am a cutting and shockingly observant otter. - Well, if that's true, were you able to tell that I was the walking dead when I came in here?
I saw the look of the dead in your eyes. Yes. I know what the egg had spoken to you. So you, it's true then? The egg was real? Quasimodo predicted that. Wow, that's, that's a real deal. He's just a little moto. He's a real deal. Are we going to get to meet Quasimodo? Well, if you do a good job, he'll be at the gristening. Yes. Oh, wonderful.
Man, this Chris guy, I'll tell you. He's really popular. I love this NPC. Okay. You're a good kid. Well, Jean-Luc, you should just totally do it again, you know? Oh, well.
Might as well. Second time's a charm. I mean, all that stuff about a birthmark. That's just crazy. You will be very critical to this assassination. Okay, well, let me poke a rough. Oh, that's shockingly wet for a beak. I didn't know how you do that. Well, it's all in the... That's very impressive. Okay. You have enough to eat, kid? Well...
I saw a plate of canola over there. You should try the tiramisu, too. It's amazing. We have plenty of canola. We will have dessert, coffee, and some aperitif after you kiss the ring and we talk about the murder plan. So here's the thing. Am I swearing an oath? Because I already have one of those. So I can't really swear another one. You are making an oath of soreness.
but it you can have both those acted at the same time oh is that like a passive feature of this one where I can this is like that's when it comes you can help up be subversive you understand oh but I can keep my original yeah sure whatever yeah all right okay I want some crumbs a little bit of marinara sauce on there yeah yeah because it's a little weird is that enough okay that's fine that's fine
Okay, one life, four down. Just as it was foretold. And so it was written. I'm happy to kiss your hand, but I want to make sure that I'm perfectly clear. I have warts. Everyone in Muckbed does too. I'll then come over here, daddy. She's gonna come over here and she's gonna smooch that ring. They call me the god otter.
That's what I said. And you kiss the ring. And he says, good, you are now a part of this thing that we have. You are not to speak of this ever again with anyone that is not part of this thing. And we need you to kill this magister. His name is Judge Hootie Nathaniel the Blowfish. And that is the one that's actually...
Well done. Thanks for having us, Session Mike. Nice job. Well done, well done. Good old Hootie Nathaniel the Blowfish. Hootie and the Blowfish. Good job. We do it. Good job. My sidebar.
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