Uprooted | S2E11 | Castle Crashers
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. I'm Booker and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. There's a feast. We are supposed to get going. With the master. He was trying to warn us about the demon in the basement. You are late to be free. Death, the pride of death, is foretold to be foretold.

He said "fortone" twice. What is that? No, the second time he said "fortone." Oh! You know, it's the hair. It's the hair in my ears. I even heard that in issues. Well, I don't know what to tell you, all right? I'm sorry. Can you speak up, please, Count? It's hard to hear you over the, you know, like the gravel in your throat. You must have the wedding, and then you will all be sacrificed to Circu.

That's twice today.

If the council after he's not able to return him surely circle will be unleashed yes I'll say that was gonna be my question. Oh, yeah, Michael. I'm sorry. I'm sorry

The entire castle begins to shake. You can hear a horrible rumbling from deep below. The entire castle is shaking. Ezra and Teal'c goes, What's happening? I believe the flag theory is compromised. Who do you think that that could have been?

oh that doesn't sound good how could that have happened i'll say i say we were barely over here mortals were forbidden from this how did this possibly happen no no i mean we saw the sign and then there was like a like a wonderful piece of art that was like above the door frame and it told us to turn like don't turn back

Don't go back the way you came. So we proceeded to get away from where they were telling us to go away from. Yeah, it was very clear. And that's how we found you in the Margaritaville. Make a machine. Oh, who will approve my PTO now? Well, I think the count's gone. I think he's gone for good. It's going to be... I mean, you got unlimited PTO now. You have all the PTO. No, that's just T.O. The master had been destroyed. His only work...

"Weakness was only known by one cat, "and he was locked in the dungeon also for this." Is there a cat in the basement? Well, there was. "Oh, yes, we must consult. "The professor will know what to do." Oh, Professor Too-Old-Cat? "Oh, he will know what to do." No, he's probably napping. We shouldn't go there, man. We should let him rest.

Is this castle going to collapse on us? We don't want to get killed. I don't want to get crushed. A Renfield grandfather clock falls off of the wall and shatters into bright orange plastic. Uh-oh. With the tail and the pendulum. I must destroy! Oh, the Master's will is last will and testament. Oh, goodness gracious, I can't believe the Master is dead.

No, he might come back. Oh, lord, I think I've got a tear coming. Oh, yes, I've got one, I've got one! Oh, bastard. How I miss you already. Oh, his last will and testament. Oh, he's just got that on him all the time. We must save his figurines and his man cave. I'm going to be honest with you, I have no interest in doing that. I'll say, I said, did he deign an executor of the estate?

In his man cave, it all. I must save the figurines and delete his search history. He runs out of the Renfield rooms. Everything is shaking.

What are we going to do? Are we going to follow him and do the last will and testament thing? Or are we going to, should we go down and try and stop this demon rising? I'm really curious about the whole demon thing. I'm going to be honest. Should we just leave and say somebody else's problem the way we've done with every other clearing we've fucked up? The problem is getting back surface side. I don't know how we're going to get up there.

I mean, what if the demon is just special effects, you know, like the green screen? No, it's a real demon. Oh, no. Now that Bitsy mentions it, it's definitely not a real demon. Oh, maybe there's like hidden speakers playing that crumbling castle sound. Do you know what? Oh my gosh, now that you say that, I bet he's not even dead. I bet that's part of the murder mystery and we're supposed to go down and check out all these weird rumblings so we can figure out who actually done it.

Is there like a prize or something, if we get it right? I bet there is. Like, someone who owns a place like this, they're loaded. He already gave me a huge sack of gold. Can you imagine? I bet there are more sacks of gold. Probably three, four, at least 40 times more sacks of gold. Did you see that Margaritaville machine? That thing wasn't cheap. Oh, absolutely not.

Oh, so it's like, I'll say you think it's like he's giving out prizes. Like instead of gold, you get yourself your own Margaritaville machine. I hope so. And you know what rich people are like, right? They don't pay their employees well, and they definitely don't give them time off because that's a loss of money. So this guy's got to be really rich. Okay, well then we've got to go figure out this whole Ciracool thing then. We might as well go do that, right? Asking if we should at least help buy gold.

We don't want him to get collapsed and crushed in the console. No, no, he's part of the whole thing. It's not real. It's a show. Cir-cool, like the cir-cool of life. Yeah, exactly. Oh. Look, that must be a hint. That's got to be a clue. I bet that's a hint. I bet it is. I'm getting that. We're onto something. Oh, you know what? It's probably like one of those, what are they? The scavenger hunts. Oh.

Well, if we think Wygore is a part of the show, I mean, what if he's supposed to ferry us to the basement? We have to follow his checkpoints as we go. How much you want to bet our next clue is in that room? We got to get one of those statues. I bet it's the main one. We have to stop him from erasing the browser history. I bet you there's something in the browser history that will identify. We got to go. Come on. Come on.

We rush after Wygor, who clearly is not very fast. You find the door. You find the door open to the man cave. You see the forbidden Count Orlok only. As you see the strange device with all of the glowing red, blue,

and you see Wygor is on the computer trying to... I kick the door open and I step in and I say, Stop right there, Wygor, you creepy fuck! How does this work? Get away from that! We need that! We're going to solve this! Get away! No, I need to cut down the internet!

Brumley, get him! Get him, Brumley, get him! I need to cut down the internet! I'll meatball him and try to tackle him out of the chair. Make a, uh... Make a contest. Holy shit. Oh my god. I don't have any dice. Is my dice bag, my blue dice bag anywhere? Yeah, it's right there. Sick him, Brumley! Tear his throat out! Athletics versus acrobatics for Wyvern. 22. Holy... Wyvern doesn't stand a chance. Or does he? 22?

With a 25. Oh! What? Shit! Wait! I know! I shout to Grumly and I say, "Sick 'em, tear his throat out," and I can Bardic Inspiration. Add 1d6. You can. Oh my god. Don't roll a 2.

Plus four. You see him start to shift very suddenly, and with Booker's inspiring words, you adjust your-- I trip and just tumble in. You trip and you tumble in. Oh no! Atta boy! We're just for the game. We're just joking. We need the clues. You hear a loud snap.

I think I broke a shin. I said you can't fool us. We're going straight for that browser. Do you think that this is a bad break? He pulls up the bones out of it. Oh, wow! That is really realistic. Oh!

Holy crap. That's not looking very good, but I got a little bit of magic. I can bind it up a little bit, and I open a jar of spiders, and they shoot a bunch of webs out all over his life. Gosh, I hope those aren't spiders. I have a phobia of, ah! Ah! There's so many spiders in this castle, you think I wouldn't be afraid. Ah!

Wait, what did you do? Can you take a look at this? I just rubbed my arms around. Booker and Peggy, hurry! He fails.

Check the search history. Take a look at what? Look at his horrible wound. That's clearly special effects and blood makeup. Wygor, is this real? Did he really break your leg? I don't know. Did he really break your leg? Wygor! What is pouring out of me? Is this part of some sort of act or are you actually going into shock right now? No!

Could you please help him? I can't kill Michael. Did you mechanically do anything with the spiders or did you just open a jar that whips? I just asked Webb to bind his legs into the bone. He's now stuck to the ground. He's stuck to the floor and can't escape. Oh, make a medicine check, Fanny. Just a minute. It ain't good, fam. Better than average. 13.

I mean, I'm not a doctor. It's just spiders. It's just a spotted plague. I'm not being serious. This looks really serious. If this is a real bone break, I gotta set it right away. You just try not to move so much that black will happen, so they're a little skittish. Does that hit? And then forget. That is the question.

Maybe this is the next clue. Maybe the clue is compound. The master's search history. I use my foot to just move his body a little bit farther away from the keyboard. Just to not let him get there. I don't kick him, but I just use my foot to push him away from the keyboard. I think he's telling the truth. He seems like he's in a lot of pain. I'm not going to let him touch this thing.

Fix him! You stay right there. I'm going to set this bone, all right? What does it mean to set a bone? It means to put it back where it's right again. Right now, it's not right. Oh, I always set a bone in the castle, but it's just placing a bone in front of the skeletons on account of that being their money. Remember from last episode? Your money's broken. Yes, I remember. Oh...

Do you think that their bone money is backed by any sort of metal with an inherent value? I hope so. Or do you think it's a skeleton government fiat currency? If it's just fiat, it'll lead to collapse eventually. Oh, imagine the inflation. Now hold still, hold still!

I'm going to grab him by the thigh and by the ankle, and I'm just going to stretch him out and then put him back together on one move. Holy shit. I need you to make a medicine check. He's going to die. Can I hold him down and help? Yeah. And can the webs help? It'll affect the DC. While they're

While they're helping Wygar, I would ask Jean-Claude to go to this contraption and let me stand on his shoulders to see if I can mess around with the search history. And while they're doing that, I'm going to go to the cabinet filled with the figurines and start just looking through all of them to see if any of them look special in any way. I can't do that. LAUGHTER

No, you can't do that. Make an investigation. You can beat around the bush on this one. Make an investigation check. I want to use a twist. Okay. Ooh. I want to roll an advantage. How many?

No, it only adds-- It's a full number. Oh. Right? Oh, plus. Are we doing that? Yeah. Oh, I thought we were rerolling. Or are we doing rerolls? No, we're doing rerolls. We said rerolls. We said rerolls. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, reroll. Pull one out. Pull one out. I used my iPad to change orientation. That was on the ground. I'm gonna shot it up. Yeah, that doesn't count. That doesn't count. Medicine check. Here, this one has your face on it. What? This one has your face on it. No, that's okay. So I need a medicine check from Bitsy.

I'm also, if I can, as a magic action, I would like to expend one of my focus points to touch a creature and restore 1d6 plus three hit points. Okay. However, I will take a medicine check first to make sure that I grab the correct leg. Yeah. Oh, that's cocked. That's a natural 20. Oh my god. Gotta give it up. Woo! So I get 25. Okay. Oh, that's the right leg right there, yep.

I'm going to roll a constitution saving throw to see if he passes out or not. This guy's dead. He's going to bleed out. Max damage. Max damage recovered is what I meant to say. He heals nine hitting points. He says, "Oh, that actually, I think, fits it." "Mr. Wario, are you okay?"

I think he passed out. Oh! Oh! The pain! Oh, the pain! Yeah, you gotta stay still. I'm just gonna hold this together for a minute. Oh, I think I'm gonna pass out for the pain. Oh, I think that he passed out. Oh! Sir Kul below is rising. The only way to defeat Sir Kul is the... It's the one! See, I told you the bone was broken and Sir Kul is real. He was gonna tell you.

and now he's passed out! Wake him up! What have you done? Yon'Glor, this is all your fault! Oh, this is part of playing, nothing more than flesh wound. Oh yes, of course, what was I saying? How do you defeat Ziracul? Ziracul, yes. How do you do it? I was saying the only way is to take the only way to defeat Ziracul. The only way to defeat Ziracul. Yes, please tell me. To beat whom again? Ziracul, how do you defeat him?

Defeat him! Ah, yes, yes, defeat Sir Kul. Yes, it's very important. Step one. Yeah, oh, okay. Step one. Should I write this down? Are you taking notes? I got it, I got it all over here. I got a mind like a steel trap. Hold on. Get writing. Peggy, can I borrow a pencil? Sir Kul! Just tell me and then we can double back. Oh, Sir Kul, oh yes. Defeat whom? Sir Kul. How do you defeat him? Sir Kul.

Hey, you know how to defeat him? Oh, step one. First, you must-- I'll say damn it, Grumly! You hit him so hard, he's developmental difficulty. Someone broke his shin. I don't know how this happened. I thought this was a murder mystery. While this is happening, I'm trying to figure out how to work this machine to-- Bookers on my shoulders. -- see if I can get the next clue to the murder mystery in the search history. Okay, make an investigation check.

I'm making acrobatics first to see if you succeed in this. Oh, together? Yeah. Athletics or acrobatics, yeah. Yeah, he's helping me for sure. That's a 17 plus 6, 23 for acrobatics. Oh, 23 for acrobatics? You might not be on these filters long. Let's see, let's see. Acrobatics, you say?

Six, and I have a plus five. Oh, that's not bad. So then, yeah, it's enough. You basically- No, no, no, no, no. A total is a six, and I have a plus five. Oh. Which means I rolled a natural one. Jean-Claude is extremely wobbly, which will increase the DC of this investigation. Okay. Well, luckily for investigation, I got a 21. Nice. Okay.

I would say that's enough, as you're trying to see. Yeah, with my furry raccoon paws. Your furry raccoon paws. I'm just trying to figure out how to use this machine.

you see X hamster. That's it. It's just X hamster. This is the Dimwood. It works the same. As things are like wobbly, I look down at Jean-Claude and I say, it says something about a hamster. What do you think this means? Does it have an X in front of it? It does. It does. I have no idea. And then you're clicking around and you don't really know how this thing works. This is an Eldritch hamster.

strange contraption, but you're starting to figure it out. With that, you do manage to find a favorites tab of how to, and you type in how to. Yeah. And you see a lot of, all of the purple links that appear in all of the same searches. He is heinous. You will never forget, you will never repeat, you will never repeat what you see, and you will never...

Oh, God! I say, Booker, are you okay? What's happening? Don't look! Don't look! Don't do it! Oh, God, okay. I really want to win this murder mystery. I'm going to power through. I'm going to take one for the team. Oh, is it bad? But you find a how to defeat...

"Seer cool, real answer, no Reddit." Which works the same, this is the dim wood. I'm wading through all this nightmare shit. I think I found it. I think I found it. Oh, so you click on it. Yeah. And... How many times is it gonna Google? Never mind, keep going. "Notebook of Exquora!" No!

You click on Quokka. That's really very good. There's my question. How do I make the perfect egg salad? No, I didn't ask for that. That's not what I asked for. Where did this question come from? I've got to keep scrolling. Get this ad out of here. No, I don't want to become a user. Just give me the answer.

And you realize that the answer is for paid members only. Yep. Son of a bitch! I try to, like, find, I try to take some gold out of the gold, and I try to find, like, a coin slot. Like, I'm just trying to give, I'm trying to become a paid member. Okay, the paid membership is 50 gold pieces a month. What?!

Jean-Claude is very shaky. Jean-Claude, I don't know what to do. Well, what's your current problem? I had to pay to get the answer, and it said 50 gold pieces a month.

I'm glad you asked, John! I know, I think Michael's gonna die! I think he can't help! I think he passed out! I didn't see Bob's really-- I only have 97 gold coins! I don't really want to use 50 of them! Grumly would deal with real problems up here! Hang on a sec! Alright, alright, alright! I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it! Is there a place for me to, like, deposit the-- Oh yeah, it's like a fuckin', uh, arcade. Okay guys, don't worry, I'll do this quick!

Oh shit. Hold on, hold on. I got 96 more. I got 96 more. It's fine. It's fine.

And I do this 50 times. And that one is not the only one that I drop. Wallace happens. Peggy, what are you looking for specifically? I'm just looking for any of them that look like they might be special or they might contain a secret. I got a 22. Okay. So anything that looks like it's out of the ordinary. You... I have a UV light. You have a UV light. A uvula. You look...

and you see that there are... that there are a wide variety of figures. You see that some seem to be in less taken care of, but there does seem to be one that is probably the closest to the Strains contraption that Booker and Jean-Claude are trying to access and activate. And you do find a...

a figure that seems to be just more, a bit more run down than the others. And it's-- - I like the paints chipping off of her shirt. - And what do you think that this figure might look like? What would you expect that from Count Morlock that you've seen? - Count Morlock? - Yeah, what would you expect? - Oh, well, you know, I think it's probably a beaver.

Oh, yeah. Yeah? It's a beaver. Probably the biggest beaver tail I've ever seen. It's the biggest beaver tail you've ever seen. Yeah. And... Straight out of the 70s. Non-diegetically. Oh, God. She's dressed like Morrigan from Darkstalkers. Yeah. Accurately. And the wings are a little bent. Mm-hmm.

Some of the paint's rubbed off. Yeah. And for whatever reason, there is, there's a couple, there's marks as if there was a glass cup that was put down next to it, and you can't really tell with the dust. You're not really sure. And you feel like this was his favorite figure in this.

Guys, I think I found the piece de resistance. I think I found the favorite figurine. It might be the key. It might unlock something. But there was very clearly some kind of jaw or some kind of receptacle next to it that is missing somehow. So if we can find that, whatever is inside of it, I think we could unlock this. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?

I'm trying to get the paid membership. All of the answers are behind. I'm on my 46th coin. Hold on. 47. 48.

49. 50! Unlock, unlock, give me the answer! Hey, four of these coins came out in the return bin. Son of a... John Clark, grab 'em! Oh, yeah, I got 'em, I got 'em right here. Pass 'em up, pass 'em up. I probably put 'em in too quick. Oh, fuck! I'll go-- No, no, no, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. It's fine, I got more here, I'll go slower.

46! This takes another ten minutes. As you do that, you finally get a green light where you have enough to activate membership. You see a large button that says "Activate Membership." I click on it immediately. It says "Enter username." Well, I wasn't ready for... Booker T. Raccoon. Enter.

Uh, it says, enter password. Oh, oh, I can't believe that wasn't taken. Okay. Uh, uh, password, um, I, I, what's, hey, John Luke, uh, John Claude, I'm sorry. This is a high stress situation. Uh, what, what should my password be? Well, uh,

Have you tried password? Well, I read somewhere that's not safe. Well, I think it kind of doubles back on itself. It's become so known that it's unsafe that nobody checks it. Okay. P-A-S-S-W-O-N-E-R. Make sure you put a number in there. Oh, shit. P-4-S-S-W-O-N-E-R. Oh, did you remember to capitalize the letter? Capital P-4-S-S-W-O-N-E-R.

Make sure you put some kind of like a symbol or something. What do you mean a symbol? What kind of symbol? Not like an exclamation point or quotation mark or something. It's saying they don't take exclamation points. It's not one of the special symbols. Okay, well then pick a different one. Like a dash or a backslash. How about this little star? Okay. Capital P, four, S, S, W, R, D, star, enter. Did you put a number? Yeah, the A, I turned it into a four. I was very clever. Pass.

Password must be 10 characters. And he totally cleared it. Okay, fine. I can't go pee.

And it claims a username. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S.

- Can I use a password you've used before? - Okay, here we go. New account, new password. 10 P four S S W O R D D star, star, enter! - Can I use a password you've used before? - Enter password again for security. - Okay, all right, all right. Kappa P four S S S W O R D D star, star, enter!

R, D, D star, enter! Passwords do not match. Oh! You see that? Control, copy, paste. I mean, just copy, paste it from the first field. Do you see the little I symbol? Can you click on the I symbol and see the password? No, I don't see it. I don't see it. There is no I symbol. I don't see it! There is no I symbol. You who designed this? Let me retype it. Okay, and I retype the first word, and then I attempt to copy and paste it into the second field. You do that. To make sure they match. And it finally works. Yes! Cha-ching!

And then it says, enter your email address. You've never heard of this before. What? It's a confounding thing. Jean-Claude, what's email?

Like eagle mail, probably. Eagle mail? Oh, it's possible. It's eagle mail. I don't even know what eagle mail is. I get regular mail all the time. In the really big cities and stuff, the eagles send letters all over the place. They're super fast. I've never even seen an eagle in the dim wood. Maybe it's some kind of wolf thing. Grumly, do you know about it? Anybody know what e-mail is? Why are ghosts dying? I think he's dead. No, he's just passed out.

- He knows the secrets to defeating Fear Cool. - I'm sure it's just the play. - You hear a little and you smell rich cinnamon as he's dribbling. It's the shoot up Cine Twisters are coming back. - What's taking so long, Booker? - I don't know what email is. It's asking for email. - What's up, I'm Fear Cool. - Just type in where I don't know. - All right, whatever, enter.

Must be a legitimate email. Does it tell me anything what that even means? Look for sticky notes on the monitor. Maybe he's one of those people that writes his email on there. I try to look for anything that might represent or tell me what an email is. No, actually, I go back to Google and I say, what is email? No Reddit real answer. Yeah. You see Quagga and

The best way to plan a baby shower. I have two tabs open now. Two tabs open now. Baby shower, no, I don't want that. What's an email? You say, "I've been accused of heinous, of high treason. "How do I find a lawyer?" High treason? You find all sorts of things. You see that there is a sticky note on the computer. It says,

top number one Renfield fan forever, xxoo. I type all of that in. At snailmail.com. Snailmail.com, enter. Enter, and it takes it. Yes! And then it says, new login detected. Check push notification security device. Push notification?

I am learning so many new words today. What's the push notification? Peggy, in your hand, your figure that you're holding buzzes. Oh god, it's vibrating. The beaver bosom of Morrigan from Darkstalkers lights up. Whoa, I don't know why that explains the faint. I'll push the nipple.

pushes in and suddenly you get a confirmation set. We're in! I knew this thing was going to be worth something. And you finally log in, you go to the page and you see, yeah, I act-- Hey, Quokka.

I summon Cyr Cool in order to have a family reunion and they write the longest, most obnoxious blog post of their entire life. There's no punctuation. It is all just a long text. Who wrote a novel like this? And at the very bottom it says, oh, anyway, I got rid of him by summoning another demon and having a cool, cool,

fucking demon kaiju fight. Son of a bitch. Thanks, Quokka. Guys, the old says we need another demon. We gotta fight demons with demons. We have to fight demons with demons? Yeah. I've got like a demon winged beaver thing in my hands. Maybe we could summon this thing. Keep it with us. It might be coming in handy. I mean, I could imagine if I were a demon and I saw this summon in front of me, my designs for death and destruction would go away and all I would be thinking about were the boobies. Yeah? The what?

The Beboboobies, look. He's fucking dead. Who is? I climbed out. Anyone see? How's Wygor doing? He's passed out. He's making some noise. He doesn't seem to be quite dead yet. Every time I say he's passed out, I'm back. That's called a death rattle. It's the end. No, I healed him. You're going to be okay, Wygor. Why don't we try this? Hey, Wygor, I'm touching your boss's favorite figurine.

Yeah, no, he's gone. I think he's dead. He might be gone. He was going to tell us the secrets of defeating Sir Kool. Oh, we figured it out. We'll put it in the video. Oh, the secrets to defeat Sir Kool. The only way to defeat a demon is with another demon and a cool, cool fucking guide you to it. Oh, shit. Well, thanks a lot. We already figured that out. I had to spend 50 goddamn gold pieces to figure that out. Can't you get the gold back out of that thing? No, I think it's gone forever. I don't feel so good.

I'll say, you're a 9th level Night Here acolyte. Can you summon that? That's right. You know, before you did that whole thing about repeating the rock-a-doodle thing, which was lovely, by the way, and I absolutely loved every moment of it. I was already cooking up a way out of here, and it involved Night Here. Wait, is Night Here a demon? You know, I'm not entirely sure, but the way people talk about it, I'm getting the feeling that he's up to some spooky stuff.

So, I mean, what else is there to do but try? Why don't you search that thing for how to summon a demon?

I was going to just give her the rest of my gold and offer up some sort of offering. But that's why I was asking Doug about the waterways, because I feel like we got to be close to the under underneath the rivers to be close enough tonight here to draw him underground from deep, deep within the seas and the lakes. Maybe like a bucket of water will work or like a pot of alcohol. This guy was, you know, may he rest in peace, was really rich. So he probably has an indoor swimming pool.

That might do it. We just gotta get some of the swimming pool water close to wherever this Seer Cool Joker is, and then we'll take care of him. Night Hero'll pop him right in the jaw.

You think we might need a sacrifice? Is that how these things kind of go? Why, Gory, he's still kicking a little bit. If we get him there fast enough, we can... Yeah, but if the sacrifice is already weakened, is it really a sacrifice? I was thinking, please don't listen, I was thinking we could kill the new guy. I don't... He's been really helpful. I don't want to just kill him. I mean, John Goddard's really been a good dude. What? He's helped us out a lot. What? What? You want to...

- John? - No, I don't wanna fuck him, I wanna kill him. - Why, why? He's nice. - You can, I'm not gonna stop you. - No, I don't think anyone should kill him. - How do you kill someone in a murder mystery? Do you have to like say, tag?

And then they do this and they're out? Are you-- Oh no, I-- You think this is still a game? Yeah, I'm going to-- Is it not? No! Do we believe this or don't we believe this? Because I'm riding the line. I'm not really convinced right now, one way or another. There's a demon downstairs and we're talking about summoning another demon to defeat it while Wygor bleeds

- Now that she says it like that, I'm pretty sure that it's not real. - Wait, so we're gonna have an actual demon on demon kaiju battle? - I mean, let's not go be so hasty about calling Nighty-ear a demon. They've been nothing but good to me, all right? - But I have a phobia of them. - Nighty-ear's gonna save the day like they always do, all right? - Well, I mean, you say Nighty-ear's done nothing but good for you, but what really has Nighty-ear done? - If I had all the time in the world, Peggy, I would tell you.

Whoa. And Big Ned...

I don't remember if I... Oh, no, we hate that guy. Did you throw that guy? Yeah, we did. I might have. I don't remember. It's been a while. Yeah, and his brother. Did you throw in his brother? I'll be promised them today. That'll get an old knight here kicking, all right? That's someone I'd like to sacrifice. Big Ned. But we gotta get going. That place is gonna, you know, murder mystery fake fall down on us any minute now. Crumbly, can you carry Wygor? Yeah, we might need him and his blood.

Are you okay, Mr. Weigel? If I carry you? We can amputate his leg. No, it's fine. I said it's good. All right, let's go. I'll throw him over my shoulder. Oh, you broke his leg again. Let's go. Don't be so angry. We attempt to find a source of water deep within these caverns that might increase my connection to Nighteer. Make a group perception check. Meanwhile, in the computer... The castle is rumbling. I need a det...

Here, I'll just take this one. I did okay. Group perception? I got a 16. 16? 15. Perception, you said? You said perception? Oh, man. Yep. Are you sure? Yes. A natural 20. Oh, wow. That'll be a 23. Four. I think it's a 14. Oh, you did pretty well. Bitsy. Yeah? You're the only one that sees this as you hear the

dulcet tones of it's five o'clock somewhere in like a very bit crunched Billy Bass sort of way coming from the Margaritaville machine in the kitchen.

As you hear the rumbling in the voice, it seems to be louder from that from the kitchen. As you look and you see that the fireplace, as you peer in, is raging with a teal, an aqua-colored flame, then a burst with a flash of indigo and magenta and yellow.

indigo, magenta, yellow, along with the strange blue-green flame as you hear the voice. And you hear that as you smell something strange. It's the unmistakable stench of chlorine.

and you find another forbidden door. Guys, follow me! As you're able to guide your friends to, honestly, a very well upkept, tiled, luxurious indoor swimming pool with a bubbling jacuzzi. This is nice. Yeah, I think we just scratched the whole-- There's actually a towel service.

Oh. Well, thank you, I'll take one. I think we'd scrap the whole summoning thing. We just enjoy a nice pool time. No, we're going to die! Why does he keep this in the Forbiddance? We got to move fast. We got to summon night here. So that I can scoop up some of the pool water. Oh, you find like, yeah, absolutely. You find a bucket, a mop. You find pool cleaning supplies. You find a bucket of pitch.

I grab an empty bucket, I run to the edge of the pool, and I try to scoop up some of the chlorinated water, and I look to the rest of the gang and go, "We gotta find Steel Cool!"

Oh, we're not going to summon him right here? No, no, they've got to fight each other right face to face. Oh, all right, all right. Should we maybe just leave Weigel here? No, we're probably going to need him as a sacrifice. He might know the next steps of the ritual. Okay. My shoulders just kind of hurt. Just be careful with his leg. You're breaking it. You're breaking his shin, Morty. Stop. Stop moving it around. Stop. I'm sorry. Stop. That's gross. Oh, the pain.

is worse than being rejected by a honey on the street. We are, I try to help the group recall what we know about where Sir Kul is residing, and we know it's like deep below the castle. Yeah, and see, it feels like it was in the kitchen. I think it's in the kitchen.

You hear the bell go off from the cathedral. We must away, away! It's that margarita machine or the cauldron. Come on, follow me. I race forward. I'm carrying the bucket to the best of my ability. Try not to spill the water. You make your way to the kitchen and you see the flame is...

is rising as you see the strange shape start to take form in the flames as it has almost, it almost reminds you of the master of this castle with these large pointed ears and a long pointed snout as it looms up. There are no wings to this thing. As it started to

as the bells are ringing from the strange cathedral, perhaps a cathedral to Circul, where the dead once rose and once reigned in this castle, but the bells are now ringing and gonging as you see the strange shape

billowing up and the flame is bursting up. You look now and all of the stone from the fireplace of this oven has crumbled away and there's, and it seems to go deep and deep and deep into the bowels of this castle as this strange shape is taking place, is taking form in the fire. - Do it, do it, do it! - This is it! And I put the bucket down and I reach into my pocket and I pull out what looks like a makeshift wallet and I open up the makeshift wallet and I pull out my knight here

level nine acolyte card. And I flip over the back and I look for instructions on how to summon Night Here. And I begin to follow the instructions. And so I take out the pouch of gold. I drop all 47...

remaining gold coins into the bucket. - Yep. - And as I look and I read, okay, what's that one, there's been sacrifices and things, okay, done, check, there are two, okay, all right, Grumly, if this starts to go awry and things aren't looking good, I might need you to slit his throat and drain his blood into the bucket.

Okay. We're not going to die. He doesn't have much blood left. Well, we might have to wring him out a little bit, all right? Squeeze him like a juicer. If we need to, get the juicer and just really go to town on him, all right? Okay, here we go. The Acropolis I-Ku. White Corp, shut up. I'm trying to read. I can't stop reading. I have a bucket of water. I think I'm bleeding out. Please, I'm trying to concentrate. Oh!

Okay, step four, here we go. I think I just have to say the thing. Night here, rely, rely, futong, gagnaglion, night here! And...

the bucket starts to thrash and bubble, and you hear a voice from within. Yes! Sacrifice. As the water starts to churn, as you hear a

a burst of rage erupt from the fires below as the shape is taking place and it's starting to solidify. You see these wild eyes of hatred and gnashing as you almost hear a howling or barking like the hounds of hell are coming out of the

flames of Sirkul as the flames shift to this indigo purple, to this magenta with accents of this yellow, gold. It all shifts back and forth as the summoning of Sirkul seems to be loathing the invocation of Night here. Hey, Night here. It's your boy, Booker.

So glad you could make it. I hate to call on you like this out of nowhere all of a sudden. Look, I know I promised you those other souls. I'm gonna get you those and make good on those. But for now, I wanna let you know I'm gonna throw in Big Ned and his brother. 'Cause we don't like those guys.

You can keep all 47 gold pieces. Those of yours don't want it, got more coming your way. And if you need a little extra juice, we got Weigore here. We're gonna wring them out like an old rag right over the bucket, all right? What kind of sacrifice do you need? Am I able to understand what he's saying at all? Make an intelligence check, an arcana check. Nice. Very good. I also mean all the things that I said I'm promising. That's pretty good, I got an 18.

18. Um...

You get the sense that it matters not what is sacrificed as long as the price is heavy and grave. Oh man. That's my time. The price has to be heavy and grave. All right, what do you mean it's your time? I pull a knife out. Whoa, whoa, Grumly, settle down, brother. I'm ready to do this. No, what are you going to do? You don't need to. I already gave him 47 gold pieces. I promised him two more souls, and we got old Wyko here as backup. That's what I mean. I'm ready to do this.

Oh, I see. I thought you were going to hurt yourself. If you want to take it on your wife, you better go. Spare my most prized possession. No, no, look, we're going to do a callback to early prime. Just start cutting off his fingers. All right, well, just... I need privacy to ritually sacrifice. That's fine. Wait, wait, wait. I don't know if he's going to count. It has to be heavy and craved.

Do any of us care about Wygore? He needs to count. Turn away, turn away. Honey, promise me something tall and strong. I don't know if this is going to work. Make it a hurricane before I go insane. Oh, he's got a point. I mean, should we give him one last margarita? It is my most prized. I look for a vessel to spill the blood in, and I find just a dirty glass. I pick it up. It has a salt rim. All right.

I'm sorry. You want a hot-blooded margarita coming up for night here? As he passes, tell him that his type TTO has been approved. And I look down, and I put the cup down by his throat, and I'm about to... I'm like this. He's, like, draining into it. There's, like, green plague. And it smells like spits and twisters. And then I'm like... And then I look at the counter, and I... Like, okay, blood. All right, blood. Blood. And then my eyes cross the blood oranges. And I, like...

I grab a blood orange and I cut it in half and I squeeze it into the glass. I don't know what's taking so long, but I'm like, come on, buddy. Oh, it's done. Oh, I'm sorry, Wago. Oh, no.

Oh, your blood is so juicy. Oh, the pain of stepping on a pop top. Oh, it is done. How I got here, I haven't a clue. He's still talking. He's got a constitution score. Do you want to do the honors? A glass of frothy blood. Yeah, do you want me to do it? Oh, no. You got it? I spilled the blood. I should swing the sword. All right, well, just don't give it to Knight here. Just pour it right in. Tell him, you know, it's for him and just say, you know, thank you. You're welcome.

All that good stuff. Night here. This is in the name of my best friend Booker. I'm not in any way pledging myself Grumly Teapug in your service. This is just like a one-time thing. And I pour the-- Make a deception check at advantage. I'm going to twist this if it's bad. I'm going to twist it. You can keep twisting. The bells ring. Gong! Gong! As they ring repeatedly. Do you want a different d20? Yeah, give me a different d20. I'm going to use another twist because we have it. Fuck it.

I'm going to use another twist, fuck it. There's also another one right there, too. I'm going to use another twist, fuck it. Oh my god. Pick a lucky one this time. That's four fives. Your twists matter here, folks. There we go, 20. Well done. That is exactly what we needed.

As you hear the cool, and then suddenly the blood orange spills in and the water turns to this deep reddish orange color as it froths and slops and rages like an ocean. As you see a strange fish-like head emerge and take shape. There he is!

See, I told you guys I saw fish people! A hand made out of this fiendish-looking water grabs the bucket and grabs the other side of the bucket and then emerges as you hear the raging fire. And then in the flame, you finally see Sirkul take shape. Ah, man, I really wish that Count was here. I'd be telling him that my demon can beat up his demon any day.

I hope you're right. As you see as this fish creature leaps out, the flames consolidate, you hear the bell, as then suddenly this strange hellhound-like creature, surprisingly small, only about as big as the flame in the fireplace, stubby legs, large head,

A fiendish, you would recognize, this almost looks like the Chihuahua folk that you know. But this fiendish hellhound Chihuahua leaps out of the flames and lets out as immediately you see the fish head just go and eats Sir Kool. Gotcha, bitch! Look at that.

- Easy as one, two, three. - Oh wow. - That was fast. - I can't believe we just watched the demon battle. - As the fish slithers back and slides and puts out the flame in the fireplace and seeps down its strange blood orange icore into the bowels of the castle. - So does this mean that we won the murder mystery?

I don't know. I feel like we'll win this. There was no murder mystery. I can't believe that.

That was pretty crazy, huh? I can't believe you have the power to summon a demon and grumbly kill the guy. I'm going to be honest. I didn't think that was going to really work. I wasn't really sure. I was just reading the back of the card. You know what? They better bump me up from like nine to at least 12. It's got to be several levels of accomplishment having summoned him. Well, I mean, are you sure that your level doesn't go down? Like you're not using some of your levels to summon him? You know, I'm not sure. It's very unclear. Very unclear.

I need to make a confession. Okay. I didn't actually kill Weigel. Oh, really? I didn't spill blood. I spilled blood orange juice. Well... But he took it. You mean it worked? He believed it. I'm sure the intent was there. I'm sure the blood and the name really helped. Ah, Niger didn't seem to mind and slow him down at all. Um, Weigel, are you still okay? I like mine. With Lettuce and Tameen.

He probably took a pretty serious head wound. He's not making any sense. I can try healing him up again. I got a magic touch. Well, it looks like his leg popped out again. Yeah, it's swinging around. It's gross. Loose. Sorry I was about to spill your lifeblood. Um...

Well, maybe he took something else. If he didn't take the blood, what else could he have taken? Blood orange and all the coins I put in there, and I promised two more souls. Oh, bring me to my margaret. Where do we go to get the prize? Why go to the prize? We won the, where's the prize? It's going to be okay. Here it is. Your machine's right here. It's right there. And you look and it's gone. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Now I get it. Nightmare probably took it.

That was it. That was the sacrifice. You made a margarita for him out of blood oranges and he probably thought it was so good because you're so good at that that he took the machine with him. He couldn't have just one. Do you know how expensive these things are? This one makes ice. I mean, look, it all worked out. No! It was a fair trade, Wygor. No, my years of wages. Wygor, we lived. The threat's gone, though.

The master? And even Sir Kul, to whom I fed my blood. They're all gone. Perhaps. I hope it wasn't my plague's blood that made him so weak. Wait, wait, wait. Are you trying to tell me that like a plague exists that's like enough to weaken a god? I mean, the gods, right? The demons.

They should be able to shrug off plague no problem. My plague is a little bit of a unique one. Oh, okay. Oh, yes. The great demon lord. The grandfather. The plague. I carry it for you.

I don't like the way his eyes are going different directions. He really looks like, looking rough. I don't know. Well, maybe with all of this castle that you could inherit, I guess, because no one else is around, you have plenty of gold to, you know, mail order from a catalog. Another Margaritaville machine. That's the master's gold.

Well, I mean, if he's gone though, right? Someone has to inherit it. Did his will say? You're kind of unemployed right now and, you know, you can get all the PTO and gold you want. Right, you loved your master, right? Like, you valued him a lot, or at least? Oh, oh dear tuppence. I loved him like a brother and father. Indeed. Okay. He was just a child. Well, I was more talking about count, right?

- Morlock. - Oh, Count Morlock. I loved him like an employer. Who hosts pretty okay holiday parties. - Well, you would want his legacy to live on, right? - His legacy? - Yeah. And who better to run the castle and tell the stories of Count Morlock and keep his legacy alive than you? - Shall I further my pact with the demon lord?

What? What? Oh, well... And ascend to immortality. What? What? And command the dead. Oh, you could just totally take his place. If you have your own cool version of Seer Cool, and you could be your own cool version of the Count. You could be Count Weigel. Count Weigel? It's got a pretty good ring to it. But... I don't have the noble blood. How could I be a Count? Well, you have plague blood. Yeah, you have plague blood. That's basically the same thing.

It's pretty unique, you said. You said yourself, it's unique. Who else has it? Little old Weigel. Little old Weigel. With a broken leg? With a broken leg. Oh yeah, just one minute. I set his shin back into place. Good!

He gets eight points of healing. That stinks! It's gonna be all right, just don't step on it ever again. Ever again? Well, you have wings, right? Wait, no, you're a rat. Oh, don't they do have wings like the Master? You could grow wings, maybe your plague wings. I could grow wings? Yeah! Such a thing is possible? You know what they say, rat plague gives you wings.

gives you wings. I've never heard such a thing. And I've had a rat plague for many a year. Ken, maybe if you pray to your grandfather god, maybe he can give you gross fly wings or something.

Or potentially one of those chairs that attaches to the wall. It can just take you from room to room. Oh, that's nice. Well, that's fair. I mean, with all the gold you've got now, that should be easy to install. The wings might be hard, but the chair is probably doable. Or disgustingly small, like, flappy, leathery wings like Watto from episode one. Ooh! Watto. Very wise. Republic credits are not good here, either.

We don't take any Republic-backed fiat cars. Well, you know, guys, I think we did some real good here. We did. Look, really, at the end of the day, you were the protagonist the whole time. No, no, I'm just, I was just glad to help save the day. You know, I just helped. We all helped.

We couldn't have done it. But you're basically like the main character. I don't know about that. You're just improving it every day. Well, that's kind of you to say. You're sort of the leader of the group. No. You sort of do like the main thing at the end, you know. Oh, stop. My life for, you know, Night here and all that. That's all. That's all my life for Night here. No, I mean, just like a magical girl, you know, like Night here is kind of like your version of Q-Bay, you know what I mean? You think that I'm going to like turn into, get some cool clothes and win the day? I really love Q-Bay. Well,

Well, I'll just maybe think you'll slowly ascend in power, but then at the end there will be a miserable, depressing postmodern finale where Night here is the true villain and you've lost your soul and your identity. Well, if that happens, you know, it's about the friends we make along the way. You're right, Booker. It is. It is.

What? Oh, oh, you're still there, okay. Did you decide you're going to take over the castle, or what's going on here? I don't know, I'm still mulling it over. Surely this won't go to his head. Can we have some gold?

I don't want any gold for myself, but Booker, you saved the day. I think we should get some gold for his banjo so he can buy a new banjo. I would love to be able to buy a new banjo. I would love to get back the 97 gold pieces that I spent to unlock that stupid email account. And then, you know, the 47 that I had to give to Nighty. That's a lot of money. We owe John a...

Loyally fees and whatnot. Yeah, and Bitsy's mended your leg twice now, and you know the doctor bills are very expensive. You have insurance, right? Oh, I do, but oh no.

Oh, your employment was terminated, wasn't it? Oh no! Oh, you know what'll lapse in coverage, boo-boo. May perhaps, I'm still covered. Let me call my agent. To the Renfield phone. No, you're not supposed to put any pressure on it! You broke it again! Oh, there's definitely some sort of a Cobra joke here. Oh shit. Oh, hold on. I'll spend another fucking focus point.

I need to call my insurance. It's just a cobra. It was actually just a cobra on the other end of the line. I'll pick him up and carry him to the Redfield phone. Oh, yes. What's that? Five. One. I don't have it.

I don't have it! Person! Person! Operator! Agent! Real person! I don't have it! Say human. Operator. Too real. Operator. If you swear fast, you get through. Fuck!

Oh, I'll try again! I don't have it! Say "front desk." Oh, front desk! And then say "no." No! Say "customer service representative." No, I don't want your Owls of Operation! I don't have it!

No! You are 73rd in line. Yes! Well, mama told me. Let me try again. When I was young. Hold on. That's very funny. Okay, let's try two. Say customer service representative. That'll be right there. Customer service representative. You know this kind of slaps. Oh, this is nice.

Oh, don't worry. I'm number 75 in line. You went backwards. We can wait. Sometimes they have options where they'll call you back when your time in line comes up. They never call back. Not really. An hour passes. Oh, I'm next in line. I need to reset your leg. Just randomly disconnecting.

I reset his leg a third time. He gets a... Oh! Oh, okay. Operator, yes, I'm going to... Put me on a list. I'm a threat. I'm a threat. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, I'm first in line!

Now we're talking. Oh, hello, Mr. Cobra. I seem to have snapped my leg in two. And my employer was just recently killed in a horrible rock-a-doodle accident.

Yeah, ask if they cover that. Do they cover rock-a-doodle accidents? Oh, do you cover rock-a-doodle accidents? They say no, lie about how you broke your leg. Specifically, acts of rock-a-doodle. Oh, acts of rock-a-doodle. Make sure you lie. If they tell you no, you lie. Oh, does that mean drowning in a flood on account of the Court of Owls? That doesn't sound like the same. In this case, yes. Oh, in this case, yes. LAUGHTER

Oh, was my master, his only weakness was that he had to be buried in the grave dirt which he was originally buried in before the first cock crows? Otherwise he will explode into ash. They ask this every time. What should he say? I don't know, that's a pretty existing condition if you ask me. No, no, no, no, no. No, in this case, no. LAUGHTER

Oh, no, I seem to have snapped my leg. Oh, no, it's in twain. In twain, I say. To shreds, I say. To shreds. Oh, why does it matter how old I am? LAUGHTER

I fail to see how that actually answers. Don't answer that. They're not allowed to legally ask that information. I assure you, I'm quite old. No, no, you're messing it up, man. Lie! Oh, I mean, I'm on spring break. There we go, good, good, good, good. You're in Lost Purvice. I'm in Lost Purvice, bro. We're going to go watch the pirate ship thing.

I don't think he believes me. Well, you know, they probably have your date of birth on file if they're your insurance company. Oh, no, I assure you, I'm only several centuries old. Wow. Wait for the broken leg that you'll recover if you're a thousand years old? Oh, well. Too bad, so sad, Mr. Cooper. Well, how much would it cost if I just paid out of pocket?

Uh-oh, here we go. He's going to have a heart attack now. Oh, no. What happened? What did they say? What's the final word there, Wagon? I am going to try to get those fly wings. Oh, gosh.

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a tarot deck, and more. Thank you! Wygor is dejected and he's grumbling about what he's going to do. This has been great, but I would like to see the sun again and I'm a bit sick of being on the ground.

So I think we're going to get going, right? And you can just tell us how to get back Surferside. And where the gold is. Right after you finish paying Bitsy for the three operations she performed. The gold. Out of pocket. The attorney's fees, the not killing you, the prize money. The count did have me look at those contracts. All I have is the deed for the home he's closing on paid for in advance. Nothing of value.

I mean. Well, I'll stop. No, I think we would take that. We'll take that. Yeah, we'll take that. Yeah, exactly right. We'll call that even. The what? Even? Yeah. Just simply a deed, a piece of paper, paid for in advance? Yeah. Oh, get off scot-free? You too? How's everybody know this Scott guy? Scott keeps coming up. He's a bit of a jet settler.

He's really popular in Lost Purpose. I love his show. He's grave to gambling. He's owned by the casinos there. I don't know if you knew that. Oh, anyways, here you go. The deed I always carried with me. Yes, yes. Thank you. He never got a chance to review the contract. It's paid for in advance, so it's fine. Oh, yeah.

Well, we'll just pocket that and go check this place out, I guess. Can you point us in the direction on out of here? Maybe even to this fancy new home. Let me consult the map of the temple. Richie. Oh. Wow. I forgot we had that. Nope. It's somewhere here. Kind of. Hmm. You just added for a minute, didn't you? Yeah, it says holo map right there. There it is. Oh.

So if we were to emerge out from underground following the directions of Wygor, where might we meet the surface? So we fell in the cavern under Nookington, but who knows where the fuck we are now? Yeah. We ran, we've been carted. We think we're under the river, but we could have gone anywhere. Oh, well, I see here the vacation home. I can't tell. Oh, you have it.

I gave it to you. Oh, well. I think that there's a smudge on which clearing this vacation home is. Oh, yes, of course. It's real hot. Where is the vacation home? Where is it? And then a little...

And there's like a selection of the where, of the-- The gym when Matt comes up. I was thinking it was like Dora the Explorer. He's turned to the fourth wall to ask the kids at home. That's basically what's happening. Where is the vacation home? Can you say sandwich? So where's the vacation home? Oh, we need to choose? Mace gets to choose. I don't know anything about the things.

Where's the... I mean, Drake Smith is right by the sea. I mean, that's kind of nice. Oh, it's the side shift! That could be true. What does it say? What does it say, Jaune? New Felicia is probably filled with a lot of gothic houses. That could be true, too. That's a little close to home, don't you think? I mean, I guess we could. Perhaps a vote is in order. What about a nice house in the mountains? Well, where would the Count be wanting a vacation home? That's a fair point.

Like, if we're sticking with a townhome, the new Felicia makes sense. If he truly wanted to live his Margaritaville life, it's 100% Drake Smith. Then it's got to be Drake Smith. Party like it's 2003! Drake Smith it is! Oh, right here, it says, of course, of course, of course, it says Drake Smith. Oh yes, of course. The seaside. Seaside property. A little seaside property.

Private Beach Access. He's always wanting to infect ports with plague. He says that's the best place to start. The last voyage of the Demi-Turtle. Huh? You know, Wygo, you say a lot of things I just don't understand. Well, I...

Spend much time staring at the master's glowing magic box. Yeah, well, it's gonna be really great when we don't have to talk to each other anymore. You know, I've always heard Drake Smith is very nice, or if Root RPG campaign is canon. Remember that time we went to the lighthouse with that crazy owl that thought he was a cat? Yeah, that shit was insane. And then there was a lizard cult under the lighthouse. It was anything but nice. It was wild.

Well, maybe we're gonna have more fun adventures like that one. I hope so. I suppose this is goodbye. I suppose so. How do we get out of here? Remember, stay off that leg. Yeah, don't walk on it ever, ever again. I suppose I could consult the Necropolis Library. For what? For the Forbidden Tomes. Oh. For what? Well, what are the Forbidden Tomes? Yeah, well... On how to ascend.

Oh. That sounds like stuff Peggy would need to know. Feed upon the Eichhorn and ascend to great demonic power.

That sounds more like a you thing. I don't think-- I thought he meant sand to the surface. I don't think we need that. Oh, after I-- Oh, he means the sand to the Monotowel. After I ascend to Lost Purpose. I say, dang it. Well, perhaps. I mean, if you're going to the surface, I suppose I could begin my vacation to Lost Purpose. But you're supposed to day off your leg. Yeah. Maybe you could do the whole wing ritual now so that you can get around easier while your leg heals.

And you also have to, you know, centralize your power here under Grum. Well, I suppose you could have one more night's stay. Surely there's no problem. Surely the lawyer won't be visited by another spirit. Surely. Oh, we've got to take another nap. We've been through a lot today. I've had very pleasant sleep, but I'm not going to sleep with everybody else. I've had some bitching dreams, you know what I mean? I've got to be honest with you, Grumly, I...

I would love to stay, but I just... I know that when I go to bed tonight, the clock strikes the hour of the wolf. It just... Doug's not going to be there. And I don't know if I can handle that. When the clock strikes the hour of the wolf, I'm going to be in a waking dream, living my...

best life, slaying some spiders and monsters with me, other best mate, Nameless Huntsmaster Jim. We go way back. I don't want to deny you that. So if it means a Douglas Knight for me, then

I can take one for you. What is his name, Douglas? No, no, like, lacking in Doug. Doug-less. Oh, like there is less Doug around now. Right. One whole fewer Doug. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm very sorry for your loss, Booker. You know, I don't know if I'll ever quite heal all the way. There will always be...

bone-shaped hole in me where Doug used to be. I just don't think that that'll ever heal, you know? You're right. That's why I always visited you in the bath. Well, and once in my bedroom. And then we walked in on this poker game. I'll never forget that. Oh, Doug is always poking. Poker, poker. They were playing cards. Yes. Anyway.

I'm okay to stay if you guys are. I really don't want to stay another night. I don't get any sleep, and not because that vampire was trying to come in and make me his wife, but because this guy's screwing someone all night long here. No, all of the bad energy's gone now. You think? The count's gone. So all that weird stuff that happened, it's probably done. What kind of bad energy makes you have wild sex dreams about your brother? They're not sex dreams about my brother, all right?

He's doing something terrible, Haunting Curse on me. He's definitely doing something terrible. And this guy's talking about ascending to demonic lords and getting small bat wings that probably won't work, and maybe a chair installed. That's definitely going to throw off a night-time dream. But perhaps my leg will be recovered, no insurance required. No, that's not going to happen.

What's up, man? The Dear Lord isn't that powerful. Your leg is like a crushed candy cane and it's still in the wrapper, it's bad. Just splinters. What a visual. That is so-- A what? A crushed candy cane. A what? A crushed candy cane. Candy cane? Yeah, and the surface, we have these canes made of candy, but they shatter real fast into little splinters like your leg. It sounds like you're describing me.

"more different to Cinetwister." It's kind of like a Cinetwister, I guess. Speaking of Cinetwister, how long has it been since the feast? "Why?"

Oh no. All of our stuff is gone. There's a collective storm brewing. Oh, there's no angel, we assume an emergency. The bell light tongs. Okay, I was wrong, I think we might need to stay. Yeah, we definitely need to stay. I don't know how to take this fucking thing off. Oh god, this is an emergency. Oh shit! Thank god this is easily removable. You have the worst bathroom emergency.

I'm going to shit my dress. I'm going to shit my dress. I run into the bathroom. This is going to hurt. You do this, and then as you hear, as you return, you hear Wy'gor rooting around in the master's vault. And he says, oh, here's the master's last will and testament.

Surely he left this grand subterranean castle to me, his most loyal servant. Uh-oh. Crazy style. Crazy frog. 1993. 2003. Gary the Two. He is betrothed. He left the Lord to his wife. Oh dear. Well, what if he never got married?

It says betrothed. Oh. Gosh, he should have put a ring on it. If he liked it, he would have put a ring on it. That's what they always say. Uh-oh. They do say that, yeah. Wait, so does that mean Peggy gets it or not? I believe it does. Oh, God, am I an ex-wife now? That was quick. Gosh, I don't envy you to have to pay the property taxes on this thing. Fantastic. Here you go. Hmm, this is the only proof that this belongs to me?

Well, I'm sure there might be copies. The Forbidden Library. Okay, well, hold on, hold on, hold on. The Forbidden Library's part of this mansion? Yes, yes, yes. So the Forbidden Library belongs to me now? Oh, assuredly, yes. According to that document and that document alone. And according to the fine text here, you also belong to me.

Oh dear! Does my employment hold over? Oh, there's a little note here saying that you submitted an application for some vacation time.

- Oh yes, I have a trip planned and it's lost purpose. - Well, you know, depending on how well you treat us over the next couple of days, I may or may not decide to approve this. - Oh please, oh please. - Are you saying that you bought tickets to a trip without clearing it with your employer first? - That really doesn't look good on you.

Oh, this was submitted seven months late, you know. Oh, I slipped my mind. You know how the days are long, but the years are short. You know, I'm not really a huge fan of excuses. Oh, I already have tickets to Tenenbella. Oh, wow. Those are non-refundable. You're not going to get... Oh, I know, I know. Oh, wow.

If you can show us to the Countess's suite, please. I think we all have some universal shitting to do, and then we'll figure out how we're going to handle this in the morning. Oh, yes, yes, mistress. Yes, of course. Hopalala. Don't walk on that leg. Oh! Ah!

Oh, I must get my bucket of pitch for your fire. If only I kept it in a more convenient location than the pitch cellar. Got many flights of stairs. Oh yeah, but that like-- The most stairs! You're never gonna make it. You're never gonna make it. Oh! It's all ladders. Oh! It's all ladders.

Oh! Oh! All right, well, I'm gonna go back to my quarters and I'm gonna lay down and think about what happened these past five days. We also have the communal shitters, if you prefer. I'm good. I'm just gonna go think about my life. I'll take one of those. I'm not beneath that. I'm just gonna go lay down. I'll see you guys. I wonder if the coachman is still alive. Is he dead? What ever happened to that guy? Oh. Unclear. Very unclear. Probably...

If he is in service of the mistress, he'll probably take you wherever you need to go. Back to the surface? I mean, this sounds like it's pretty great, actually. Only the coachman knows these tunnels. Otherwise, you get lost forever. Well, on your way down to the Pitch Cellars, once you've gone down all 25 ladders to get there, can you make your way back up towards the stables and find the stable rider, the carriage, whatever his name is, and have him come see me in the Countess's Keep?

And we'll discuss. Yes.

I'm going to go to the community. He makes me nervous. The communal shitter. I'll see you guys later. Why are you asking for permission? I'm not your mother. I'm going to lay down. I'll see you around, all right? Come find me. If you guys want to come talk about what we're doing, I'll be in the Countess's Tower. I'll come. I need to get changed, and then I'll be right there. We can hang out.

I have some communal shitting to do. You just said that there was one, not where it was. Oh, it's over there. Oh! I stamp her off to the community. It's over there. The directions are-- Just look for a trough, man.

He hobbles off to get pitch. You arrive at a very robust, albeit dusty, everything here looks like it's all white curtains, white sheets. Everything is white. It's covered in dust. And everything moves as the wind whips through in a... Spooky fashion. In a very spooky fashion. It looks like there are ghosts here. And there's almost, as the wind whips through, you almost hear faintly...

And the wind makes that noise eternally. It actually gets a little annoying after the first couple minutes. I think most people would find this annoying, but there's something about it I really like. Yeah, it's kind of charming.

Oh, you came, Bitsy. Hello. Yeah, I thought I'd join you and see what this Countess's room's all about. Yeah, I mean, it looks like it's filled with ghosts. There's a chilly wind, which kind of sucks, honestly. I'm not surprised about the ghosts. That anybody else would hate, but I find charming. Where's the music coming from? I have no idea. There's probably some kind of cricket outside, just...

Playing that song. Are there really ghosts? I thought the death no longer reigned here. Well, just because it doesn't reign here doesn't mean that it doesn't exist here. It's just no longer in control. Because I am now. So you reign here? Peggy reigns here. Well, as the creator of the universe, that makes sense. You're right. Things are finally going back to the way they're supposed to be. Everything's coming up, Peggy. Everything's coming up, Peggy.

And you know who my right hand gal is, right? Who's that? Well, that's you, Bitsy. It is? Yeah, because if I ever get into trouble and I need someone to die and never be heard from again, silently, of course, who else am I going to call? Which one is that? Which one is what? Which one is the right hand? The hand on the right. So if you hold both of your hands up and you try and make an L, do you see which one makes an L? No, do this.

That's a fist. That's close. That's a gun. L! She got a gun! Yeah, so whichever one makes an L, that's your left hand, because left starts with L. Got it. You're so smart, thank you. Which hand do you use to wipe your ass? Both. Oh, so you're amphibious.

What? You're amphibious. It means you can use both of your hands at the same time equally. I can breathe underwater? I didn't realize that. That's pretty cool. I can?

Yeah, I guess so. Thank you for that. I appreciate it. Will my talents ever stop emerging? As you make your way back, Grumly, you find the communal chair.

and you find the remnants of some zombies and undead that were taking a shit. I say there's not a single soul in the castle. It's no longer communal. Yeah, it's no longer communal. Death no longer reigns here. You see two zombies that are like, one's holding a newspaper and the other's holding a cup of coffee. I'll just push one off. One of the shitters. At all.

I'll pick up the newspaper that he was holding and, you know, just peruse the style section. Yeah. Maybe there's a new museum opening. Oh yeah. Check the obituaries. Yeah, read the obits, you know, just see what's going on. Yeah, read the obits. Yeah. Some of the obituaries are circled. That's fucking funny. I love that. That is good. Yeah.

I read the latest Renfield strip. Yeah, Renfield strip. It's not as funny as the Sherman's Lagoon. That's right. It's just Sherman's Lagoon. Yeah, it's just Sherman's Lagoon. Does the guy understand that Renfield's talking? It's very unclear. Booker, as you make your way back to your room, you find the pile of bones.

You that you know with money and also their body. It was kind of unclear. - So unclear. - You find the remains of Doug and his friends.

Empty chairs and empty tables. Now my friends are dead and gone. I pass the poker table. Yeah, oh yeah, the poker table empty. There's a whole Les Mis montage way back to my room. Yeah. Jeez. And then I sit down on the edge of the bed and I think, these were a crazy few days. I can't wait to be topside again and get back things to normal.

How do we end up in this mess? How can life be so cheap? I'll never know. I'll never understand. Goodbye, Doug. And I'll lay down. And then like... Yeah. Like softly cry into my pillow.

No, not a single thought for your dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know. He had Beauregard hasn't crossed that line in three days. Not one time. Not since the mac and cheese. Well, you hear a lot of screaming from Wygor.

Is this echoing? Is this echoing through the cast? Jean-Claude, what do you do? Oh, I also... Yeah, what do you do? I also would go back to my room. Yeah. And I'd start to take my, you know, dinner finest off, you know, undo the cape, put it down, say to myself, you know, I mean, eat at pool.

I'll say, "Why go to Beck and Cole and to Taco Bell that caters?" This place wouldn't be half bad to stay if my damn no-good, flim-flamin' stupid son-of-a-bitch brother wasn't haunting me every night. This place wouldn't be half bad. And I hang up the costume, I strip down, hang up the costume in the armoire.

And talk info on that, I guess. Okay. Call it an early night.

All of you, of course, had to sniff around the broken, twisted body of Mr. Tuppence. And I don't think twice about that guy. I don't even, like, I don't even recognize him. You, like, walk up to him and he's like... We all think somebody should take care of that, but keep moving. Yeah, or the next person. Yeah, surely someone will take care of that. Not my tuppence is not my problem, is all I'm saying. You...

check in for the night and you wait for yourself to be visited by the spirit of John Luke. Oh, I say not tonight. Not tonight, please. And none ever come. No spirit comes. Perhaps it is true that death no longer reigns here. Or was it all your imagination? It is strange that I'm kind of lonely tonight. I didn't realize until he was gone that I kind of missed it. You are sleeping, grumbly shitting.

I'll make it back to my bed once I'm done. I don't think I was involved in that at all. It's not my problem. You're a little dehydrated. Yeah. I'll probably get up a few times at the night, you know, as you do. Yeah. Yeah, of course. You... Wait, both of you, please. As...

You linger, you hold the deed to this place, this place of great magic, Peggy. And there's something in your stomach that just rumbles and you're not sure if it's the meal. Oh, God. Are you okay? Oh, yeah.

and you hear this like scream like, ah! Yeah, I just, I wish, I wish that weird cricket outside that was singing would stop making that strange demonic noise, you know? And almost you start to hear a voice kind of. Oh no.

Do you hear that? Oh my god, it's in time with my digestive tract. Oh gosh. Oh, you know when you have really bad, oh god, when you have really bad diarrhea and your back starts hurting? Yes. I do, I do. Right in the middle of the back, right back here. Yeah, Betsy, can you rub it for me? Sure. Oh god.

I really like give the best massage I can just trying to relieve the pain. It's just it's in there, but it's not coming, you know. What? What do you mean? It's in there. Oh, you mean the adult bill? I'm sorry, what?

The adult bear. I don't know what you do. The red wax baby that's growing up inside of you. It's not growing up inside of me. What are you doing? Are you okay? No, busy. I look okay. I'm sweating profusely. I'm trying. I'm trying. Just hold on.

It feels like it's leaking out of me, Bitsy. Just hold on. Bitsy, push harder. Get on the bed. Hold on, Bitsy. I'm pushing. I'm pushing. With the right, not the left hand, the right hand. That is my right hand. Not the other right hand. I only have one right hand. Ah! Ah!

No, it's the scene in Nightmare Before Elm Street where the hands push out of the wall. Yeah. That is exactly what happens. You see a horrific little imp-like creature. Oh my god, Bitsy, it's coming! Bitsy, it's coming! I can't do anything! I got nothing! I'm gonna push, Bitsy! Oh!

I just try to guide her through the pain. I'm thinking about that rusty knife, you know? Make a constitution saving throw, Peggy. It's gonna turn to episode one of House of the Dragon real fast. Feed me the night here, feed me the night here. Oh, okay. Constitution, you say? A nine. A nine. You vomit up.

the worst Taco Bell meal, as you see little red waxy hands leap out as it emerges out of your mouth, as it goes, "Ahh!" As this horrible homunculus that looks identical to Crazy Frog, but made out of red wavy whale wax, leaps out and starts screaming and, "Ahh!"

as it's waving its arms around, as it's running around. You mean like this? Oh, exactly right, yeah, exactly right. The second I see this creature emerge, I race over to my pack, I pull out my rusty knife, and I throw it like a dagger, end over end. No!

No! That's my baby, Bitsy! Make an attack roll. It's gotta go! No! Don't hurt him! Look at him! Don't hurt him, Bitsy! Make an attack roll. Oh, God. I can't move. I'm immobilized in pain. That's going to be a 26 to hit. Roll for damage. Yeah, all right. I'm gonna do...

That's gonna be seven points of piercing damage as I whip this rusted knife into the waxy stomach of this strange creature. Ah! Ah!

And he spits. It's going to make an attack roll. It's hot liquid wax. It's hot liquid wax. Don't hurt me. It misses terribly. And he starts to bolt for the window. It hits the wall. I am going to endeavor to catch it and crush it with my hands if I can. I will sprint forward and I will try to grasp it. You see as it sprouts horrible wings out of its back. You're not getting away.

You little fucking-- -- other adult bells and start some sort of night, did you? You stay close, stay here! You stay still! Okay, make an acro-- See if you can catch up to this thing. This is fast. Make an acrobatics contest. Ooh, I hope it rolls slow. Can I use the twist? Twist it, twist it. Oh yeah. You got a few left. Is that cocked? I pulled another one out for you if you need it.

I feel like that's pretty flat. All right, let's keep that. I'll go with a 25. That's pretty good. 25. You handily beat the homunculus, so you are able to get a full round of attacks on this thing. Oh, I will... Well, you will just make your first attack as you're trying to, like, yeah...

I immediately get in range and I clasp my hands trying to grasp this strange thing. Oh, I might forget about that and accidentally harm myself. - Can I do anything in this situation too? - I feel like if you would like to try to, yeah, make an acrobatics to see if you beat-- - Not a chance. - Okay, then you can-- - But I'm gonna try. Acrobatics, you say?

Unless I have been amazing acrobatics. To shreds, you say. 21. Close. Ooh. 21. So you get to this homunculus that looks like Crazy Frog, now with wings, horrid wax wings. Yeah. And you see that there's this picture of a demonic cow looking like...

Melted and disfigured. Before it can take flight, or perhaps just as it leaves the sill of the window, I will be able to grasp it like this, and I'm going to attempt to mold it back into a cheese form shape as quickly as I can. You can crush it. I'm going to make an attack roll and try to deal damage to this thing. That's going to be a...

15. Roll for damage. Oh, terrific. That's going to be... Alternatively, she could grab onto the legs as it flies out the window, and then she could fly around all around the castle in an epic action shot. She could do that, but she's trying to do this. From Harry Potter. That's very funny. I'm going to do...

Seven points of bludgeoning damage as I crush into it. I would say that I take a point of piercing damage because I squeeze in. Actually, I'm going to roll. You take three points of piercing damage. Thank you. As you manage to crush it and the knife goes through your hand, as you are now bleeding, as this thing molds, I'm going to roll make an athletics check for me.

That's gonna be a 16. 16. This thing with a 21 clay faces basically and reforms out of your hands and the knife now is stuck in your hand. Out of it.

as it attempts to then look back its eyes wide with crazy frog terror as it tries to fly away. Peggy, what are you doing? - I'm gonna look towards Bitsy and my eyes are gonna go crazy frog. And I'm going to not cast any magic 'cause magic doesn't exist, but I'm gonna suggest to Bitsy, Bitsy, you let my baby go. You don't wanna do this. You hurt the baby.

Then you get the wrath of the mob, you understand? Don't make me hurt you, Bitsy. You're using suggestion on me? I'm using suggestion on you. I will fail.

I believe in you, Peggy. And Bitsy, when you hear those, she hears those words, would accept them. And so whatever strong persuasive magic you may be using in this moment, I immediately pull the dagger out and just go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I thought you wanted it dead. It was hurting you and it was trying to run out the window and I thought you wanted it. It's ugly. It's awful. But I made it and it's mine. And I love it. It's my child. And I love you.

Fly free, whatever you are. Oh, you're so cute. Oh, you're so cute.

- It's dripping hot red wax as it takes off into the subterranean air, as it flies off, shrieking Beverly Hills Cop. As...

The visage of the horribly mutated cow on its back looks at you all the while as it disappears into the darkness, seemingly. I'm sorry. No, it's okay. The whole situation was really scary for you. For you? But what you have to understand is there's no love quite like the love between a mother and her horrible wax creation.

I don't understand. I'm sorry. I thought that's what you wanted. I was moving quick. I was going to crush that thing. Well, I was hoping it would stay and we could read books together and we could go to the restricted wing of the library and learn horrific magics and learn how to control the minds of lesser beings and rise to complete dominance in this world together. But...

Sometimes babies are ready to leave even before mama's ready to let them go. I think I scared it away. You could have had all that and it's been my fault. It was your fault. And that's a really awful thing I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. Uh-huh. But I'm glad that you understand. Mm-hmm. And now you're going to have to live with it too. Maybe I can find it and persuade it to come back. Mm-hmm.

I think you should just look down at that scar on your hand and think about what you've done. You look, and the coachman has been standing there the whole time. This large, stoic wolf. His eyes are wide and he looks in with utter confusion and shock.

It's going to be like Dr. Farnsworth's pet Pazuzu. Welcome to the Countess's Chambers. I'm Countess Peggy, and this is my best friend, right-hand mouse, Bitsy

What is it? Tea? Bitsy? Bitsy Moose. There's no tea in the middle? No, there is a tea. Oh, is it okay if I say Bitsy Tea Moose? Or do you just want me to address you as Bitsy Moose? I don't know if you have to say the whole thing every time. Do you want a cool title? What kind of title? I don't know. You could be like a Marquess. Or you could be... You can't be a Countess because that's what I am. But you could be something else. What's a Marquess? I don't know. I read it in a book once. Marquess Bitsy? Yeah. Yeah.

All right. This is Marquest Bitsy T. Moose. And you are? You're the coachman, right? Do you have the ability to speak, Mr. Coachman? You want to speak to us for a little bit? Maybe? Oh. Well, since you came, you must be here to help the Countess, right? Looks out the window. Oh, that was just my son.

Oh, you came at a weird turn. You want my hand? Oh, you wanted to see the contract. Oh, yeah. It's right here. You think come tomorrow. That's a good word, right, for a countess to use instead of, you know, in the morning. You can say stuff like forsooth.

That's a great idea. Do you forsooth your willingness on the morrow to deliver us to the surface world? Hmm? Forsooth? Should we just meet you on the stable grounds? Right after the first cockatrow? Fantastic. Well, we'll see you there. Do we bow to each other? You want me to bow to you or you bow to me?

Why are you doing the jiggle hands? It's like a bellman waiting for their tip. Why are you doing the jiggle hands? Fitzy, do you know what this is about? I don't know. We should tell him not after when the first cock crows, though. Why? Because it depends on what John gets up to at night. It could be any time.

Oh, yeah. If he's doing one of his, you know, 3 a.m. recitations of rock-a-doodle, then... It depends on how much vitamin E he gets the hand on. So what time, then? How are we going to say morning? Just whenever we show up. Oh, yeah. Whenever we show up. Can we amend the rules and you'll take us out again whenever we show up? All right. Yeah, that seemed like it was acquiescence. Well, thank you. Yeah, thank you.

Why do you keep doing the jiggle hands? Goodbye! He turns and he leaves. What was all that about? I don't know. He seemed like he was expecting something. Yeah. Do you think the Count used to give him sex?

Maybe he was doing that jiggle hand thing. Maybe he was trying to give you sex. Oh god, why is everyone here trying to give me sex? I don't know. I just had a baby. Well, you're the creator of the universe. You're like the source. Speaking of, I'm sorry I got a little testy with you. I did just have a baby. Yeah, no, I ruined everything for you. You didn't ruin everything. My child still lives. That's true.

And maybe he'll come back and you can have a family. And I didn't do anything to hurt him, so he'll love me, but he'll know if he crosses me, my right-hand gal is going to give him the old one, too. So it really works out in the end. Hand gal? Well, maybe the left-hand gal now because of what happened to your right hand. Forsooth? Yeah, Marquis. Marquis? Oh, I don't know how to pronounce it. Okay. I'm going to say it differently every time. Should we go let everyone know that we got to ride out of here in the morning? Or...

Just go to sleep. I'm wondering where our Pitch is. Well, he's screaming a little closer than he was before. I call the name Pitch. Oh, there he is. Oh, a lot of it spilled out. Oh, son of a Pitch. Allow me to slather your fireplace with pitch. Don't I'm the stench. Jesus.

More pitch. Yeah, could you give us a little extra pitch tonight? It's my first night as Countess. Of course. The Countess must stay warm. A little pitch. It doesn't look like you've got enough pitch in that bucket for what we're going to need in that fireplace. Yeah, a lot's filled out. Oh, this bucket is already out. You're probably going to have to make a second run. We need like one or two more buckets. Oh, how light the fire. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

All right, for the mistress, I will fetch more bitch. Oh, come on, Michael. Not that much longer until last purpose. You're on your way to be signing off on your vacation time. Just the ship out of Drake Smith and you'll be living large at last purpose on this trip at the Baragio. That's funny. I love that. And he hobbles away. You all settle in.

And in the middle of the night, grumbling. Your stomach, you get up several times. Who's this guy? I don't think I was there for any of the... So you make your way back to the bathroom. Why is there so much grease? Stuff over him. Back and forth. And...

You're dozing and then you hear out your window. As you hear the coachman's howl. My time has come. I get up, I go to the armoire, I put on my witch hunter hat, I take out the crossbows and the axe. Hold on, just one second, hold on. I run back to the bathroom real quick. And then I come back, I finish getting dressed. And then I go out and have my waking dream.

You do. One last time. And you see as the coachman is waiting beyond the bridge once more, holding the torch, and he looks at you. Cool. And he says, "Are you ready?" Whoa! I'm so ready! Let's kill stuff. "I have taken a vow of silence to not speak to anyone but my kind until I have avenged my family." And did you? You avenged your family?

I have not. But now that I have rebuilt a pack of two, we may be able to claim vengeance. Wait. Are your companions trustworthy? They are not canine lupine. I do not trust them. A pack of two locked me in you? Yes, that's right. You've proven that you are a natural born killer, despite your...

the shape of your body and especially your face. And general demeanor. And whatever that tail is supposed to be. It's genetic. I was born this way. I can't help it, but inside I've got killer instinct, I do. Even more helpful will be the experience that you had this night for the three great bears in the underground. Blue of fur,

We must slay the three bears that love shitting. In that voice. We can't miss the My Name! You're not doing the Charmin Bears. We can't miss the My Name! Well, thanks everybody. Oh god. The big bad finally revealed. I like the mini boss. The Charmin Bears. We gotta kill the Charmin Bears and build the pack.

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