Edge of Midnight | Ep. 24 | The Fallen Kneel
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Welcome to Legends of Adventress. I'm Adela Droskenwald and you're listening to Edge of Midnight. Here's what happened last time. We must get this antidote to Cyril. The heroes of Cyril have arrived. Well, you may not have cleared the town of witches, but it looks like you did a good thing for Cyril by getting rid of that old archbishop. If you're ready to go, I would suggest you say your goodbyes. Well, go ahead and get into my carriage and I'll take you to your home.

Colette does run up to each of you and give you a big hug, timidly tells you that she is queen of the city and that she's very excited to be a queen. That's mighty impressive. I'll write a song with the great Queen Colette Mirabelle, first of her name. Because this is nothing like that horrific house that you had seen before. This is warm and inviting and beautiful and comfortable. Oh my God, I'm so glad you're here. I can't wait for you to see everything.

Adela freezes as the candlelight goes out in this room and then the next and then the next and the next as every single light in this place is snuffed out one right after the other. Billy Van Brunt. Oh no. Crooked. Shambling towards you. You'll be crooked too. Wait. This was supposed to be a happy chapter of our story. One of victory. One of rest. One of celebration.

But everything's gone so very, very wrong. Right as I was starting to think that our protagonists actually could overcome any challenge they faced, I do say this may be our darkest chapter yet. The Crooked House is crooked once more, as the shade of William Van Brunt, the new Crooked Man, leers down at you in the ruined foyer from the second floor balcony.

He looks out at all of you individually, taking you in, the crooked smile ever creeping up his crooked face, before he finally opens his crooked mouth, baring his crooked teeth, before staring directly at you, Jörgrim, but saying to all of you, "I don't remember inviting you to my home, but now that you're here, don't worry. You'll be treated as honored guests, especially on such a monumental night."

Let us all bear witness to our crooked queen finally being free of this terrible prison. The crooked smile is huge. He does not sound the way that he had sounded to you before. Most of his pomp and circumstance still there, but more in reverie to this crooked queen that he speaks of. He opens his arms before all of you, welcoming you to his home.

The home that you walked into that Adela had made for you, had cleaned for you, had designed for you, now not yours anymore, is it's claimed by this man, still staring at you, Jorgren. Well, I'm pretty sure that we saw you die, and technically this is our house now, so we actually do have a deed and a key, so...

I never wanted to evict anyone, but you should probably get out. - You hear a crooked chuckle bubble up within his throat as he lets out a loud guffaw. He seems completely unmoved by what you're saying. - How is it that not even death could rid us of you, Van Brunt? - Oh, that was badass. - His eyes had darted to Jericho for a minute.

His gaze switches and moves towards you, lingering on you a little bit, but his smile never fades. "You had the chance to kill me yourself. You didn't take it. You let her have me. What happens here, Jörgrim, is all on your conscience." And as his smile widens, the house around you begins to shake.

Suddenly, the creaking of swollen wood fills the air and your lungs fill with dust as Van Brunt lets out a mocking laugh and the entire house begins to shift with a cacophonous groan. Walls rise and fall all around you like falling cards on a poker table. Stairs surge up and down like the writhing of a serpent and the entirety of the structure rearranges before your very eyes. And through the chaos, you realize that you've all been separated from your friends.

You are alone in the crooked house. I need one of you to roll a d6 for me, please. - Oh my god! - No, it's more than you. - Oh, gosh! Gosh! - You got a one.

Was Adela with us as well? Yes, Adela was with you. She was standing behind Jorggrim, just kind of shrinking back. Both Adela and Farron are there with you. Is Philip here? Philip was outside. He was trapped outside of the house. As the house changes, you can still hear the pounding on the door as Philip is voraciously trying to get into the house to get to his wife. But as the house changes and moves, you...

The sound of him banging on the door completely disappears as you all find yourself alone somewhere in this house. - Would you like us to re-roll? - I just need one person, 'cause this is gonna determine the order. - Gosh! - Jericho. - You stand on the lacquered wooden floor of the music room as mournful tones twang around you in a melancholic waltz.

As you look at the harpsichord in the corner of the room, there is a figure playing a tune. It is no more than a shadow in the form of a man as the keys of the instrument are hammered at increasing tempo. It's impossible to make out a face. But then its head turns towards you and throughout its entire body numerous orange eyes open and stare at you. You hear a familiar voice say as a single word, "Dance!" The word "dance" echoes out throughout this room.

As you try to process the order you have been given, the huge wall-length mirror catches your eye and you watch as your reflection begins to change. A scarecrow. A bird. A halfling with a cut throat. A stern man in military regalia. A demon. A scarecrow. They all extend their arms to the dance floor, waiting. Well, is that you, Virgil? You're looking mighty elongated and...

Human-like, kind of like me. I mean, I'm not too much of a dancer. I'm more of a warbler, a troubadour, a tunesmith. I got two left feet, my best gals always said, on account of them only having two feet when they built me. Two that were both left. Anyway, why don't we talk this out? Why don't we talk this out? I'm going to try to approach the... I'm going to try to walk towards the harpsichord.

You walk towards the harpsichord. The figure that is there, all of the eyes blink at you in random cadence. Sometimes it almost feels as if they're blinking along with different beats of the music. And as you continue to walk forward, you begin to realize that though you're propelling yourself forward, the harpsichord never comes closer. You continue to walk and walk and walk, and you start to feel like you're looking down an incredibly long hallway.

and the harpsichord is still there the same distance in front of you, but you can never gain any distance on it. Gosh, this must be one of them spooky haunted house effects. Oh, gosh. Are there any doors around? None that you can see. Gosh. Well, I'll give it a try, I guess. I'll try to, like, maybe get over into the center of the dance floor.

Well, I don't know if it's better or worse that nobody's watching me. I don't know what type of performance anxiety I feel right now. Well, I suppose I could give it a shot. A little one or two. A little one and a little two. And I'll try to like do a little stylish jig or like a little shuffle. As you finally follow the command of the harpsichord player and dance,

You find that you're no longer dancing alone as one dance partner after another fills your arms. Three in a row, mangled green hag corpses hold you tight as you dance. The Oakum sisters stare up at you lovingly. They all fade away as the shape that replaces them is the man in shadow covered in numerous watching eyes before a discordant note fills the room and with a cacophonous snapping, the harpsichord shifts into a door as the music stops and the phantom dancers disappear.

You there, Virgil? Your voice echoes throughout this room. You wait for the sound of flapping wings or blinking eyes or discordant music, but no sound comes. It's just you alone in this room. The harpsichord, where it had been, now stands an open door. Gosh, you know, I had forgotten what a number you did on the old Oakham sisters, my best gals. That was gruesome. Well, at least you got well fed. I suppose that's always important. Well, I'm going to

I think the doors, you know what they say is open every door or else you miss your opportunity. I'll open it up and I'll walk through. - Someone roll a D6 for me, please. - I think we should popcorn it. - Okay, Mikey, roll a D6. - Oh! - I love that. - Popcorn, four. - That's funny. Lethika, you stand in the darkened children's room, the small window offering no moonlight as dark tree branches scrape along the cracked window pane.

You sense motion behind, and you notice that all the toys that had once littered this room are huddled in the corner, as far away as possible from Sally Lockwood's bed.

Teddy bear and toy soldier alike seem to be alive, and all look to be filled with dread as they peer at the darkness beneath the small bed frame. Your eyes adjust to the dim light, and you finally see the source of their fear. Slowly, a gaunt gray arm with too many elbows and long yellowed nails stretches out from under the bed, and with a single finger, beckons the toys forward.

Piercing the quiet, a strange voice hisses. Sacrifice must be done. Help me. Help. All the terrified toys shiver in dread as they try to push further away against the wall. I will...

Turn my back on the toys in the hand for a moment and look again out the window to see if it is completely dark out or if I get any sense of the weather or if it's completely blank. Do I feel like I've been transported or just transformed specifically to the room that I remember when we first explored and investigated this house? You make your way towards the window and as you do, the hand itself

creeps even closer to the toys against the wall, not even paying too much attention to you. As you reach that side of the room, you peer out and you see the night unfold in Druskinvald. You see the moon hanging in the sky, its milk light bathing the land all around the crooked house.

You don't seem to have been transported anywhere, just to a different room. Is Bag still at my side? Bag is not at your side. Am I missing any of my other things? You're not. Sacrifice. Are you asking me to choose hand? Are you asking me to pick one of these dolls so that you might consume it? You hear a soft guttural chuckle. Yes! Yes!

You watch as all of the toys begin to shake and shiver, their faces looking horrified. The teddy grabs one of the dollies and holds it up in front of it before the dolly breaks free from its grasp and hides behind a toy soldier. All of them moving and fumbling about in an attempt to hide themselves from your gaze. Do I feel...

As though the dolls represent my friends or children in the room, I don't have any love or care in my heart unless I want that for myself. Am I compelled that way? You don't see any visages of people that you know or anyone that you've seen. They don't remind me of effigies of I'm not picking Jericho or something along those lines. No, they're just toys alive in this room that seem to have sentience. I have sacrificed much.

Pick a toy. Pick it and describe it. Which toy are you grabbing? I'm going to grab the...

the little ragdoll with the small dress and the braided hair, and I'm going to look at it and sort of turn it upside down. The ragdoll squirms. The ragdoll squirms in your hand. You hear a...

though it doesn't seem to be able to create words, it can create noises and you hear a shriek of fear as you pull it from behind the teddy bear it was hiding behind. Its body flops this way and that as it tries to squirm out of your hands. Its face turns towards you and you can see

though it can create no tears, the look of horror and sadness on its face, its button eyes slump against the fabric of its face as you hold onto it. I am very sorry, little one. I'm going to hunker down and I'm going to start to

reach out with the ragdoll to the hand. And just before it starts to reach up to grab it, I'm gonna pull it back. And this is just the one sacrifice, correct? You hear it hiss. Yes! Very well. And I will set the ragdoll into the hand of the arm and...

Stand. Your sacrifice is snatched up by the grasping arm that shoots out from beneath the bed, pulling it into the darkness with a sickening crunching as the sound of terror and misery erupts around you from the toys looking down on you.

The bed shrinks away and from the darkness emerges that all familiar disgusting leather bag as it grows taller and taller and the darkness within turns to wood. Its form shifting and melding with the bed now forming a door on the wall where both the bag and bed had once been. Do I see the creature inside the bag or is it simply just the bag? It is an amalgamation of the bag, the creature and the bed all formed to create a doorway. Hello bag. Hello bag.

Are you leaving me now? It is completely motionless against the wall. I hope that you find peace somehow, some way. I'll reach forward and turn the doorknob and walk through it. Roll a d6 for me, please. That's me again. I'll never forgive you for this, Taryn. I signed your paycheck, so forget it.

Are you mad at him for the second time? I'm getting flashbacks that Batman returns when Catwoman pushes all over stuff. I'm kidding. I would never do that. Jorgrim, you stand in the desiccated conservatory of the crooked house as a storm rages on the outside of the glass walls and ceiling that enclose around you like a mausoleum.

- I grab my shovel and

I move towards the raised soil at the foot of the bergamot tree, and I start to dig it up. You dig and dig and dig. The soil is soft. It recently interred, but it does take you a while. Eventually, you hear the expected thud of your shovel hitting something buried within the dirt.

As you pull out the dark object buried deep within the hole, it suddenly dawns on you that it is a decapitated head. The soft flesh is cold. Your fingers sink in a little too deeply. You turn it around in your hands and stare into your own lifeless eyes as you hold your own head in your hands.

Immediately, blood pours from the severed neck, drenching the soil in thick crimson. The roots of the bergamot tree drink up the blood hungrily as the trunk of the tree creaks and splits in two, revealing a door within. God, I hate this tree. I move forward to the door and I swing wide. I step through. As you step through, a sound catches your attention.

soft shuffling. You turn and look for a second and you see that it's not the shuffling of anything moving, but your decapitated head rolling against the soil as it softly thuds against the wall. You steel yourself against the image that you see as you turn and walk through the doorway. Roll a d6 for me, please. That's my 10. More than your head hitting the wall. 3. Oh. Marius. Hey.

You stand in the cramped butler's room, and immediately your vision is blinded by silver light, and you feel your skin scorching. Oh, fuck! At the far end of the room, against the wall, a huge statue of Foltus stands in his rigid and grim vigil, radiating with searing silver light as the whole world almost turns to shades of black, white, and gray in the harsh radiance.

At the statue's feet you see the bent kneeling form of a tall man, raising his arms towards the statue. Please, Foltus, grant this house your blessing! Grant us your protection! I walk the one true path for you, my god! Grant me sanctuary, please!

Moving closer, you get a look at the face of this man whom you now recognize as Petrini. You see that his skin is bubbling and popping from the scorching radiance as the rest of his skin is turning to char as he wails in pain. He pleads for sanctuary and salvation, but they go unanswered.

Feeling my flesh begin to sizzle under the silver light, the first thing that I would try to do is take off my cape, my cloak that is attached to my shoulders and see if I can cover up my skin with it to see if that helps at all. But the moment that I notice Petrini is essentially burning alive, I would forego protection of myself and attempt to drape this rose-emblemed drapery over him to protect him.

No, no, it's all right. It's all right. You first attempt to shield yourself and you can feel that this searing pain is coming directly from the statue of Foltis and that no amount of cover is protecting your skin. As you attempt to cover Petrini with it, he seems to not notice you at all. He is

He is staring at the radiance of the statue, begging for salvation, begging for safety, begging for an answered prayer. As you place the cloak over him, it alights in silver flame and disperses into ash.

Petrini! No, it's me, Marius. You helped us earlier. You helped us cleanse this place. We must... We need your help again. I do not know what's happening here. But whoever...

Whatever demon is residing in this house is back. We need your help! What can I do? You are so close to him. You can smell the burnt flesh, the burnt hair as the radiance of this statue in front of him. He does not turn away from it. He is devout. He is desperate.

for his God to answer him that he refuses to turn away though the statue itself sears his skin. You watch as pieces of flesh begin to peel away and pop and fall to the, fall to the ground. You see bits of exposed bone. Um, you see bubbles begin to appear on the surface of his eyeball, but he stares and does not turn away as the statue, the God he's asking for salvation from, um,

does not respond. Hmm, um, I would look up at the statue to the best of my ability even if it's, if it's, it's harming me, uh, in a horrific way and I would, I would look and I would sneer at the statue and say, "You gods are all the same. You don't actually look after the people who worship you. You abandon them and you leave them here to rot." See if I get any kind of reaction from the statue.

the statue's light dims a tiny bit, and you are able to see that the statue itself is not fully made of silver. It is gilded, but that there are parts of it that are very clearly wooden. Aside from that, it

It doesn't move, it doesn't make any motion towards you. Do I feel like I'd be able to destroy the statue? Strike it down? Can you imagine with a very strong hit, you would easily be able to destroy the statue? With the frustration that I'm feeling watching this poor man be roasted alive by this holy statue and this light, and the feeling that I'm getting as well, I would immediately lose my patience and draw my sword with both hands and raise it up and say...

You are all the same! And bring my sword down as hard as I can to see if I can destroy the statue to prevent this light from pouring out. You are easily able to do this. You are tested in battle and the statue is no foe to you as you raise your sword with two hands and you cleave the statue in two immediately.

immediately quelling the pain that was searing your body. As you destroy the statue of Foltis, the blinding light and searing pain leave the room as the silver idol crumbles into a pile of ruin. Petrini looks at you with deep gratitude, raising his arms towards you in prayer. My god, my salvation. In the same prayer that he had been chanting to Foltis, he now begins to chant to you over and over and over again.

And then, in a final breath, he turns to ash and scatters to the floor. No! All the while, the pieces of statue rumble in shape as they slowly form a door on the wall where the statue of Foltus once stood. I would, as the ashes like fall through my hands, I would stand up and kind of feel them between my fists and like clench my fist and say, "I'm no god. The gods are not here." I'll spit where the statue was on the rubble.

as I open the door and proceed through. Roll a d6 for me. Two. Reroll. We need five and six. Five and six. Six. Farron, reroll. You guys don't get to see what happens. It's just five. We can just... Yeah. Oh yeah, it's just five left so you don't need to... Let's try it. Five, nine. Yes.

- I have to find Briggsie. Briggsie, you find yourself in the master bathroom. The entire room is shrouded in steam. As the warmth and mist surround you, you hear the sound of the sea. Waves crash against a nearby shore before you realize that it is coming from the enormous clawfoot bathtub beside you. The tub stretches out as far as you can see through the steam.

But the salt hits you and the water in the tub crashes like the waves. You see a toy boat floating atop the Bath Ocean. No, it's a ship. A grand galleon flying the colors of Captain Cratch. The flagship of your dreams is perfectly crafted and gilded in the greatness that only you deserve. It is a thing of beauty and a tear comes to your eye until you notice something right beside you. Built from bone and humming with powerful Jinxcraft magic, you see a cannon.

A flaming skull is loaded within and ready to fire. Along with the hexing runes on the cannon, you see the words, the name of this cannon, "Truth in the Lies," in quotation marks. The cannon is aimed directly at the galleon. - First I'm like, I'm very startled. We just saw a adorable dead man, and then I got zooped here. Hello? Jericho?

Marius, Yorgie, anybody? Your voice echoes off the tiles in the bathroom. Not even the steam in this room can dampen the emptiness as your voice echoes back at you. All right. It's okay, Prixy. You got this. Of course I will get the bathroom. Oh, I'll come to the tub.

- Do I feel, is it like a little kind of toy boat, like a toy ship on the-- - Looking at it, the way that the steam masks this room, you're looking at the front of a clawfoot tub, but it looks like it stretches on into an actual ocean in front of you. You cannot see where the bathtub would end. And deep within it, far out,

You imagine that being in a bathtub, it should be small, but with perspective, it looks like it could be a full-blown ship. This cannon that is next to you, this cannon made of bone, is your size. It's in the room next to you, and it's aiming towards the ship as if it were aiming towards a full-sized galleon. What are you trying to imply, Mr. Cannon? That I should use you to destroy the flagship of me dreams?

It's very presumptuous of you, or House, or Billy, whoever the fuck you are. It's beautiful. Do I get the sense of, I'm gonna approach the cannon. And I wanna look at the, what was the name in Truth of the Lies? In Hexing Runes, you see the name of the cannon, Truth in the Lies. Truth in the Lies.

Of course I'll get the puzzle. Maybe this is just flavor checks, you know, I can just use you. I want to examine if I know how to, like, fire this thing. You know how to fire this thing.

How cool is the ship on a scale of like one to ten? It is your dream ship. If you could imagine your dream ship, this is two times better than that. Things on that ship you didn't even know you wanted. It's got four masts, a gilded gunnel, a poop deck.

A hot tub. A hot tub. A time machine. A jet ski stand. This is all tricks, isn't it? The truth is in the lie. This is all a lie. This is all a lie. Maybe one day, but not today. All right, house. All right. And I want to...

Light the fuse on the cannon. You light, you do this. The bone cannon whirs to life. The runes along it glow with bright neon green and pink as a screaming skull is launched out of it, sailing above the thrashing seas in the bathtub and smashing into the grandiose gangplank galleon and sinking her in a single shot.

As the ship is swallowed by the roiling seas, a whirlpool sucks the wreckage down, down, down, until all the water pours out of a widening drain at the base of the tub. The tub rises up on its claw feet and begins to skitter about the room, eventually climbing up and along the far wall, nestling itself into the wood. You watch as the drain that had consumed your prized ship now begins to grow and meld with the wall and tub until, before you, is a door.

You do. You open the door. Marius, Lethika.

You both enter a new room, and you find yourselves face to face staring into each other's eyes. The room around you almost seems to disappear for a moment before the house shifts and creaks around you and you are pulled back to reality. You stand within the master bedroom. The four-poster canopy bed rests against the wall, its curtains closed, and on opposite ends of the room, the specters of Eustace and Petunia Lockwood ignore each other at the writing desk and vanity, respectively.

The chill in the room, absolutely palpable. As soon as I lay eyes on her, I think I take three steps forward, but I maintain at least six feet distance, and I stop and say... Oh, you were like within two feet of each other. You are immediately, you are basically face to face. Is there any way for me to back up once I realize her presence? Yeah, you could back up about like two or three feet. I'm comfortable, too, you know.

No, I see the moment that I noticed that Lethka was there, I would almost be starving. I would take a few steps back and, uh, Lethka? Marius. Are you all right? Yes. Were you just trapped alone in a room? Yes. I found myself in the children's room. There's a statue of Foltus. His skin was burning.

I saw Petrini, the man who helped us before. He was turned to ash. And as you grab your skin, you get a hold of part of your cloak and you realize that the cloak that had burned away into ash is still affixed firmly to your back. I tried to shield him with this, but it burned to ash immediately. This is...

It is. Strange.

Whatever dark magics hang over this place at the back, whatever we did wasn't permanent. It is either restored itself somehow, or it has been infused with even darker magic. I quickly look around the room to take in the things that you said. The portraits are separate portraits? They're not portraits, they're specters. They're specters, I misunderstood. So you are...

The very middle of the room, you see a large four-poster bed. Its curtains are closed, and on either side of the room, you see a vanity and a writing desk, and you see that Eustace is at the writing desk, Petunia's at the vanity. They're both specters, and they're both...

busy doing Eustace's writing, Petunia seems to be doing her nightly face routine, and neither one of them is making any motion to the other. Occasionally you see the one specter look towards the other and then move its head back, as if thinking about saying something but choosing not to, choosing silence. No door in this room? And you see no door.

Well, you... That's not completely true. You see the door that goes out to the balcony. So there's a door that goes outside. Okay. I ain't going out there. Uh... Marius, the last time we were here, we were nearly drowned in sweat. We must be very careful. Of course. I had to trust nothing that this house shows us. That being said, the room that I was trapped in, there was no door until I destroyed the statue. No prompt. No voice asking us to...

Do some evil act. I hesitate to go through those doors. I don't think it's wise. I will attempt to speak with Petunia. Right. Should I go speak to Eustace? Just watch my back. All right, I will. I'll walk forward and approach Petunia.

Excuse me, can you hear me? Can you hear me? And I will try to put my hand on the shoulder of the specter. You attempt to put your hand on her shoulder and immediately you're met with frigid air as your hand slices straight through her, almost like a wist of smoke. She shifts for a minute before materializing back as herself, but she doesn't move. She makes no movement towards you at first. And then, simultaneously...

Both specters stand up from their seats and make their way to the balcony, never once looking at each other as the room grows even colder. One by one, they step onto the railing, fasten noose around their neck and jump, both plummeting to their deaths once more in frigid isolation. Once both shades are gone from your view, the curtains on the bed spring open.

and you see the feather mattress, deeply indented where husband and wife might lay side by side, hands clasped in affection. As I watch the specters move towards the balcony, I will attempt to stop them. Wait, wait! We must speak with you! Dammit! Now what? A repetition, almost like a ritual. I was taken by that same urge to jump when we were here last. If you recall, I nearly made it.

Surely we're not being urged to follow in their footsteps. I would not like to make that jump, but if we find no way of escape, it may be our last option.

I'm going to look and see if I can find anything written. You said one of the specters was writing something, and I'm going to see if I can read the book. If there is perhaps a text there that might be a clue or something along those lines. Yeah, you make your way over to the writing desk, and you see there's no paper there, no pen, no quill, no ink. But in doing so, you once again pass the bed.

The bed that had, upon entering this room, been completely enclosed in the curtains. The curtains that opened when Eustace and Petunia plummeted to their death. It looks moth-eaten and old, but it is... there's a softness to it. But the thing that catches your eye, as it did when they made their jump, was that

Though the two of them walked out of this room in complete silence, they jumped to their death in silence, in a frigid isolation that only years of living with someone where hatred was allowed to build could end. Looking at this bed, you can see that there was, at once, a time when they loved each other.

The indents in this bed so deep that there were years and years where husband and wife laid side by side, hands clasped in affection. By the time you are done examining the desk and you turn around, I will be sitting on the edge of the bed. Did you find anything? Nothing, not even the tools of writing that would be necessary. It was all part of the spectral illusion. I wonder if our portal out of here is by closing these curtains with us

contained within. Lathander is a god of romance, beauty, the arts. I wonder if there was a time when that couple, they felt love for each other. If you examine closely the imprints on the bed, you can see that whatever happened in their waking life and their dreams, they held each other's hands. Is it possible the way out of here is for us to just

Demonstrate a caring, a love for each other. I prefer that option to jumping off the balcony, Marius. I think we should try it. All right. And I will get up from where I'm sitting on the edge of the bed and I guess try to examine the space that looks like where Eustace may have laid. Mm-hmm.

and kind of awkwardly, I'm still wearing armor, it's not, you know, it would normally take me a long time to get ready for bed normally, kind of just like awkwardly like scooch into the bed where his spot is and see if I can kind of comfortably like lay where he would have laid. - It's uncomfortable at first, but it's almost as if the bed

was waiting for this, and the imprint of Yusis's body conforms to yours, accounting for your armor, accounting for your shape. The bed is moving. And eventually, you feel yourself very comfortably laying exactly where you imagine Yusis had laid for many years, next to his loving wife. Foul curse.

I'll sit on the other side of the bed with my back to Marius and sort of kip up my legs, sliding my ass into the same ass groove as the wife, immediately slipping into position and just sort of lying back as quickly and as gracefully as I can. As gracefully as someone can when saying ass groove. Careful, this is about to be a solar eclipse. Ha ha ha!

And you do, and very similar to what had happened with Marius, you feel the bed shift in form around you, and you find yourself laying in this position. Your arms, do you hold hands? As she's laying into bed, I'm going to almost try to move away a little bit, and again, issue a warning.

Be careful, please, not too close. You attempt to, but the bed almost moves you back towards her direction. I want to look at the curtains briefly. Are they cinching closed themselves? Do I feel like they need to be closed in order for the magic to happen if we are on the right track in the first place? I would say you feel that you're on the right track, but it doesn't seem to be the curtains that need to close, but your hands around each other's. I will...

Reach over. Well, my hand is here, Marius. I look down to her hand and she holds it out and it's this point that I can actually feel how cold my own hands are. And it's something that I'm usually used to, but it's extra present now in the forefront of my mind. Without saying anything, I'll...

As both of you lay there in this single quiet moment, warmth suddenly returns to the room and the creaking of the headboard behind you draws your attention as a new door forms at the head of the bed. Your fingers intertwined. That coldness that you'd felt is completely replaced with the warmth of Lethika's skin. Your hands don't feel so cold anymore. The moment I see the door, though, I pull back.

We did it. Yes. It seemed to have worked. I get him. Well done. Let us proceed. I imagine we may run into the others. I am sure they are finding their own challenges in this cursed place. After you. Thank you. I'll sit up and make sure that my hair is still in good condition after having laid down on it, and I will progress through the portal. I'll fall behind you.

- Brigsy and Jericho. - Oh, gosh! - Brigsy and Jericho, you both enter the next room and are facing each other at opposite ends of the grand dining room.

Beautiful paintings of enchanting scenes look down at you as you see a bountiful spread of every kind of delicacy you could imagine. And not just that, piles of gold, jewels, and other treasures are mixed among the food that smells so overwhelming. You notice the presence of two enormous figures, however, seated opposite each other at each end of the table.

On one end, an ancient crocodile god ravenously devours everything before it, scraping the food and treasures into its enormous maw greedily and always grasping for more.

At the other end, an eldritch demon king, avian in its form, covered in black feathers, keeps up with the ravenous feasting of its dining companion, letting out guttural caws as it takes handfuls of meat and snaps its beak around it. They both pay no attention to you. "No! Kiri!"

Who?

Oh, Jorgrim! No, I haven't seen Jorgrim. Jorgrim! I'll just make him his Jorgrim. Oh, gosh. No, I haven't seen Jorgrim. Have you seen Jorgrim? No, I haven't seen Jorgrim. Have you seen Farron? No. Farron, Eddlers. Do you think you should leave pretty quiet? Oh. No. Oh, yeah, sure. Neither have I. Do you need your head?

Gosh, I- did you have to do a stylish jig too? To get in here? That's all you had to do, was a stylish jig? Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of deep metaphor and kind of it was more torturous and internal sort of way and self-seeking and not really knowing who I am or who leads the dance, so to speak, or upon which strings I dance. But it wasn't kind of like physically, it was more metaphorical. I blow up a ship. The ship of me dreams.

It's hard enough to dance, but I had to use a cannon to shoot a really badass skull into the beautiful ship. Gosh, have you ever heard of the brand Sea-Doo? No, I don't know what that is. I'm gonna make me a jet skis. I'm gonna elaborate. I don't know what that is. What are you Sea-Doing here, then?

What do you mean, what am I see doing here? I blew up the ship so I could get through the door! I decided to do a little jig, it's kind of like, "Did I have a good time tonight?" "Did I have a good time tonight?" Come on, Dad. Anyways, um, I'm not gonna... I haven't looked to the right. Oh yeah, I don't... This is kind of creepy. Hold on. *Screaming*

- Oh my gosh! - Can you please kill them? - No. There's a reason things are placed after what they're placed on there. - Is that a literal god? - Well, oh gosh. Gosh, well, there seems like there was nothing at all metaphorical about your room, but the metaphors have fallen, they've fallen, fallen me. I think-- - Suddenly,

The stench of death and decay fills the room as the bountiful feast turns to rotting human flesh and all of the treasures turn to filth. The crocodile god and avian demon king eat so much that they swell larger and larger until they burst, covering the room in gore, bone, and feather. Once the explosion subsides, the beautiful feast returns and where each creature had been sitting, there is an indentation in the soft velvet cushion as if missing its diner. Ugh.

I don't know!

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I just imagine your giant fucking croc mouth doing this, like, flesh is hanging off if you say that. I don't want to have any of this. I was laughing burlap sack mouth. Gosh, I mean, I think that might have been the puzzle if there was a giant plate of spaghetti piled up. There is in the very center of the table. Oh, gosh. You might be right, Rix.

There's only one meatball on top. It's a very small meatball. Oh no. Oh no. That's... But wait, what if we... We're not supposed to eat that stuff. Do you see what happened to those horrible monster men? They exploded. They exploded after eating all their food turned to gross biz. I think I was way off with the whole kitchen. I hate to say it.

"Garsh, in my room there was just a fella playing the harpsichord, a jaunty tune, and he just told me what to do." "I didn't really have to think too much." "Well, there was someone else in your room?" "Yeah, there was Virgil, but he looked all different, like." "But there was no one in my room." "He was alone. He was truly alone." "Oh, Garsh." "Yeah, it was quite lonely." "This is nuts." "Well, you're not alone anymore, but..."

I mean, we also were joined by these terrible god creatures. You get the pink hoover and stuff across your cheeks. The blood. No, you're right. You're right. We were joined by effigies of ancient long-dead gods. That was a nice team. Sort of like a party for a second. Yeah, I mean, I thought a nice meal would be nice. I was really fixing. I mean, on the count of, I don't really need to eat. Do you really need to eat?

No, I don't really need to eat. I wish I did. I miss it. I miss the routine of it. The flavour, you know, sometimes cooking myself some breakfast. Gosh, you know, with some beans with tomato sauce all over it, you know what I mean? LAUGHTER What's that supposed to mean? LAUGHTER

Are you promising me breakfast that I can't eat anymore? Because it is scarce? Well, I mean, don't take it personal. I mean, a lot of my cravings be dictated on account of what Virgil has a hankering for. Usually it's weird, gross hags or other powerful creatures or other things. Perhaps the Virgil, that bird-being thing, the Demon King, I suppose you might call him, perhaps is...

I mean, it doesn't look quite like Verter. I can see similarities. Perhaps in the same family. Perhaps a distant cousin. Uncle twice removed.

We should probably eat that delicious looking food, shouldn't we? But didn't it all turn to gross beers when they ate it? Do we have to eat gross beers? No, didn't it turn back to NOS yummy food? You're looking at it now, it looks like yummy food. You don't necessarily feel any need to eat it. My object permanence is very poor. You don't necessarily feel any need to eat it, but you do see that there are ass dents in the chairs that the long dead gods had been sitting in. That...

basically sparkle and shimmer like, ooh, this is the quest objective. This episode is called Ass Dents. Would you care to join me for dinner? Well, it's kind of very, I feel like the house messed up. I mean, you and I are the only ones who don't need to eat.

That seems a little silly that this would all be about Eden. Yeah, what the fuck? It doesn't mean any- Oh... Wait, and they did it anyway- and they exp- You said it was metaphor, didn't you? Yeah, I think. Well, perhaps we won't explode. We ain't weird as mighty as them folks.

Anyways, I suppose... You know, maybe this is like cool ghost magical food that I can taste really well and it's like awesome. You think I might be able to taste it? Maybe there's a bottle of sarsaparilla I could inquire about. I really hope that ghost weasel doesn't show up. I know he died, but this is a lot of ghosts and such. I don't know what's going on. I sit down with my head like down. I'll walk. I'll take my hat off. Okay, I'm gonna, I'll go to my side of the table. Okay.

- You what? - All the way at the end. - Are we like at the very end? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Like a long dinner table. Hold on, I'll take my bandana off and I'll put it in my jacket as a bib. Okay, are you good? - I'm good.

- All right. - Hey, nice dining with you, Mr. Briggsie Cat and Briggsie Cratch. - Cheese, Jerry. - Cheers, a nice cup of sarsaparilla probably, whatever this is. I'll pick up a turkey leg. - As you sit, both of you feel immeasurable hunger and greed. Although this sensation is strong, it is not unfamiliar as the inherent desire that lurks within both of you takes control.

you begin to devour the feast. You begin to devour the feast just as your godlike predecessors had. You consume and consume and consume until absolutely nothing is left and your senses return to you. What's more horrifying is that both of you are still hungry.

Suddenly, the huge dining room table flies into the air and crashes against the wall vertically, shrinking down with a creaking of wood until it forms a small door between two paintings. - I'll give you seconds. - Yeah, me too. That's a little, that wasn't that big of a feast. I mean, they're gonna serve two people. You think they would have given more food? - Oh no. I mean, for those prices, you'd think you'd get at least 32 chickens.

That's exactly right. You said a 31. That's exactly right. Well, Shuts, maybe there's more food in the next room. Less metaphor, more food. That's our new motto. All right, let's look for food. Come on. Okay. There's got to be dessert through here. Jorgrem. You step into the gallery, hoping to see any of your friends, but you see no one beyond the dour and grim busts of the statues that had sat in their disrepair for decades.

One statue looms far larger than the others in the alcove of the room. You had remembered it being grotesque, but this is far more grotesque than you recall. Carved in horrible detail, a terrible hybrid beast with three jaws filled with rotting crooked teeth lunges forward towards a terrified young hunter, fighting desperately for his life. A battle he is sure to lose, and with his death another meal for the crooked abomination.

With each passing moment, it feels as if the other statues drift away and the terrified hunter calls to you in his eternal sculpted death throes. You remember this to be the statue that was carved by DeRay. The statue that Briggsie destroyed? Yes. Yes. Yes. He was an accident. This doesn't make any sense. This shouldn't be here. I move forward towards the statue and start to inspect it.

You look at it, it's far more crooked than you remembered it being. The grotesqueness of it, it almost seems as if the wood is slightly moist and you reach up to touch it and nothing comes off on your fingers but it looks almost bloody in some places. Billy, is this you? You hear laughter in the walls.

Bring me back to my friends, damn you! Suddenly, you hear the crack of the hunter statue's neck as it snaps to the side, and with the rumbling of marble and breaking of stone, the young hunter comes to life and steps out from the maw of the leaping monster. His body is bent and twisted as color fills out the dusty alabaster, and soon you see William Van Brunt, no, the crooked man, standing before you with a twisted grin, huge, rotted, and crooked.

It's not so bad to water the crooked tree, green thing. It has a particular thirst for our life's blood, you see, and while in the moment of my end I was filled with fear, now I know it was my destiny as it is yours. We were fated to meet as enemies so that we may become allies in serving our glorious purpose for the Crooked Queen. I gave you every opportunity to do right, Van Brunt. And I gave you every opportunity to kill me.

It is our fate, Jorgrim, to serve the queen. I only serve one master, and it will never be yours. Ignorant. Always ignorant. We will see. You will be crooked yet. If you want death at my hands so bad, Van Brunt, don't worry, because it comes for you. Ah, does it now.

Your blood will feed her roots. And as he says this, the crooked man shuffles towards you and you hear the slow scrape of stone on wood as he approaches and says one final thing. You've been wandering for so long. Isn't it time for you to put down roots?

The darkened, desiccated color of Van Brunt fades as his leering face returns to the terrifying scream of the young hunter, and the marble statue crumbles to pieces before you. All that's left to remind you he was ever there is the impression the statue left in the alcove, intertwined with the claws and jaws of the crooked beast. There's a spot where the statue-- Yeah, there's an alcove where the statue had been. Does it look like I could sit on it? It looks like you could stand in it.

There's no ass in there. No? No ass, Dan. There's a marble ashtray in front of us. You look down at the bear rug in front of the fireplace. There's a plate of Costco pepperoni and cheddar. This is supposed to be a serious campaign. I should lead the campaign. There's only one thing stopping my grim pilgrimage now.

And it won't be you. And I move forward up onto the platform. As you step into the final work of Gaston Duret, the sculptor that met a terrible fate in the crooked house, you suddenly feel his fear as you are overwhelmed with a sense of doom.

I go forward through the door.

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All of you stumble into the parlor of the crooked house and see that almost all of your friends have made it here safely. Five of you stand in this dusty room, and you realize that Farron and Adela are still nowhere to be found. The parlor seems to look mostly how you remembered it, with two major changes. Gone is the spirit board at the center of the circular table. Instead, atop the tablecloth is a dark crystal ball.

held up by gnarled and twisted branches that grasp it like a treasure. Etched into the crystal glass, you see the sweeping flourish of a Della Druskinvold signature.

And where the family portrait of the Lockwood family had once been is now a portrait of a malevolent fae queen, half flesh and half bark and branch. This woman's body, neck, limbs, and grin are crooked with wild eyes filled with equal parts malice and joy. And somehow, she is simultaneously beautiful and hideous. Garsh, everybody!

Have any of you seen Farad?

- Hell? - No, yeah. - I do have to make it clear. With the crystal ball, it looks like the crystal ball was probably always here, an addition that Adela had put in the house, but the grasping vines that have come up around it are holding it captive. They are of that fey creature. That's not how it originally had looked.

Why would Theron not be here? They may still be struggling with whatever they are being challenged to. Br-Brigsy and I ran into each other. Where'd you- did you pair up anybody? Started off alone. I was faced with Petrini. He was burning alive in front of a statue of Foltus. I destroyed the statue. Nice butler, man. There was nothing I could do to save him. He turned to ash in my hands. Then I ran into Lethka. I started off in the children's room.

I had to make a sacrifice in order to progress. And then Marius and I found each other and after a simple act of kindness, we were able to proceed here. I had to dance. A bunch of gross dead hags. Probably Virgil or something. It was very metaphorical. And then I ran into Briggs and we had to chow down. I am looking for a pattern to these experiences. I...

I'm not sure how to put the puzzle pieces together. Jorgrim, what did you experience? I was faced at first like... like all of you by myself. I saw the bergamot tree and... Oh! And... You've been into it. Yes, I can't escape it. Its roots run deep. But also a... a grave. Once I dug it up, I walked through and... I wasn't alone either.

But it wasn't Farron that I'd met. It was Van Brunt, or whatever he's become now. Did you kill him? No, he disappeared like the coward he is. But he beckoned me before he did. He asked me to join him. He said that he serves a twisted, gnarled queen. And he said that it was my fate to serve her as well. Oh. Do you think the ritual we did... I mean, it sort of took care of the woods, but did it, you know...

Just shove everything back in here? In this house? Did we push it here? Well, I mean, you can probably logic that out, but let's not jump to conclusions. Either way, if we did manage to contain it here, that's a good thing. It's all in one place and we can deal with it. So... Njordgrim, you do remember that Van Brunt told you that this was your fault. He's a bitch. So, wait, hold on. So you found a grave. It was Petunia's grave, like we found the first time? No, it...

It wasn't Petunia's grave. When I dug it up, I found no whole body but my own head. Yogi. Oh, that's our face, Perky. Van Brunt called out when we had all gathered together that I had the opportunity to kill him, but letting him die by this creature forced him into one of her thralls. He now serves her. I don't know if that cast her back this way.

Oh, geez. Oh, maybe it was just all in our heads. Maybe none of this is fucking real, right? Either way to test, when we were all on our cute little dates, I stole a golden saucer. Let me see if it's still here. I pull out the golden saucer that I stole from the table. The one with you and... There's no saucer to pull out. It's gone.

So maybe this... Are we even here? Do we know? The house is seemingly twisting all around us. It is both real and like a nightmare. Sure feels like a nightmare. Your room makes it feel any better. We saw, like, terrible gods feasting and we took their place and it was never enough. I thought about how nothing is enough to fill the pit in my soul or lack thereof.

And that no matter how hard you try, you always think it's gonna be the next thing. And it never is. Never is. The hole's still there. It's never enough. Especially not for Virgil. I was faced with the statue of the hunter. Wow. This time he stalked a hideous beast of three maws. I took his place and it came alive and consumed me. Like, I don't know, somehow the hunt...

Ah, well, it's really spooky again. What did you guys have to do? Oh, we just, we just, oh, yeah, we just... An act of kindness, I think she said. We simply held hands. Oh, oh, oh, oh, well. Simply, eh? Gosh, I wish that was me. We also saw a vision of the original members of this house throwing themselves off of the balcony.

And it was only by reenacting this love that they shared that we were able to progress here. But I admit I am confused. A creature of ancient evil, a being of hate like Van Brunt, who especially wants to destroy or twist you. It could kill us all at any time with powers like these.

We are being shown something for a reason. Perhaps an attempt to corrupt us or to turn us against each other or something. You think that the kind of dreams that Mr. Lockwood was having, the nightmares that turned him all crooked, you think they looked anything like that? Because he was in a mighty, mighty sore spot when he finally did the whole leap of faith, so to speak.

Oh, and that's why you're sweating so much, right? Yeah, that's what it was. But you're... I don't want to say it, but do you think maybe you swallowed one of the teeth? Oh! And it's, like, growing inside of you, and that's why you've been marked by this crooked queen? Like a watermelon seed! I'm like, yeah, I'm like... Well, I don't know that. I mean, I don't have a stomach, but a watermelon seed couldn't survive in Virgil. But do you think it's one of those teeth? Do you think that you've been marked, and perhaps that's why? That's why that...

Van Brunt is so drawn to you? I mean, I did eat the bergamot and there was teeth within it, but Adela examined me. I think it's far more likely that this place is playing tricks. The man antagonized you in life and now he's doing the same in death. Yes, yes. These could be meaningful visions we saw. It could be just parlor tricks from Van Brunt to stall what he knows is coming.

Crazy fingers, Adler. He's still in there. It's still him, you know? He's not just like some mindless puppet. Exactly what I was going to say. Something of Van Brunt has survived his transformation after he was killed and pulled into the forest. The only comfort that gives me is knowing that when we finally strike down whatever this is, he'll feel it. Oh, yeah. We're gonna make him feel it. Well, I'm a little concerned. I'm...

When we were here last, we consulted a spirit lord.

Dare we put our hands on the crystal ball and look within its depths? I get a bad feeling about the dark crystal. You know what I mean? Well, it was a fight. I mean, it's Miss Adela's. It's Miss Adela's crystal ball. What's the worst it could be? And also, is that the crooked queen? Is that what that Miss Kelly looked like? She was just a shape when we saw her. She was just a twisting, shape-shifting ooze, so to speak. I look at whatever Jericho's called.

- Hmm? - Is it a portrait of a horse? - Oh yeah, you see a portrait of a malicious, you want me to reread? - Yeah, if you could. - Where the family portrait of the Lockwood family had once been is now a portrait of a malevolent fey queen, half flesh and half bark and branch. This woman's body, neck, limbs, and grin are crooked with wild eyes filled with equal parts malice and joy. And somehow she is simultaneously beautiful and hideous.

But the crystal ball may be some way to contact Adela. What worries me is the growth underneath it.

- Yeah, you see where there had formerly been probably a wooden stand that had been beautifully carved for this crystal ball and has been completely broken and twisted and overcome by these crooked branches that have grown up around and almost they're holding the crystal ball almost like a treasure. But you see that the tendrils of branches are,

kind of sneaking into it, almost like it's attempting to crack it or pry it apart. So what you're saying, Jerry, is that maybe that's what she looked like before she was put in the Amber? At least what she looks like she's hoping to look like. I mean, that's the thing about Frujil. He can't take no physical form. He's powerful. He's there. He has a look to him. He looks like a person. Oh, like just a guy? Yeah.

It's got, I mean, it's not as beautiful as that. But he's an okay looking guy. Looking fella. But he can't take a physical form. But if he had a form, could I tell him, you know, could I tell Virgil from Gary on, or, you know, Steve? Just like a regular old guy? Well, no, he looks a lot spookier than that. I mean, he looks like a demon fella. Oh. But he can't do that. At least not yet. That's why he wants to eat all them secrets. Maybe it's the same thing.

Maybe she's trying to find... You know, I'm... I basically serve... I mean, he's trying to make... You know, I'm a vessel for him. I'm a physical vessel. Maybe this... This dark ooze that she was in the amber... Oh, and Billy's a vessel. Or a minion. So we kill Billy. No more vessel. Right? Perhaps stands to reason. Well, so if she was pushed back here... Maybe... Maybe the attic...

What Petunia was trying to bring her to be originally. Should we go there? Maybe that's where she's... There are no doors in this room. Never mind. That seems like a bad idea. If we have passage, then I agree. Both the attic and what's underneath the house. Yes, if there's still a basement, that's where we found all of this in the first place.

Yes. One or the other. Well, Lord Druskinvald, he took care of all them gross, gross teeth. And he killed that fieldy Jasper down there. His eyes exploded. You think there's something down there again? I would only think if she's been freed. I'd return to her prison. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. And Adela's been here, presumably, right? She's been fucking decorating. Cleaning up. I don't want to put more blame on you, Jorgen.

Where did you put blame on me, originally? Oh, well, I guess those were inside pumps. Or maybe that was Virgil, I don't know. But, uh, maybe it was... Maybe by getting rid of the crooked tree back in the forest, we kind of send it back here and then given her Van Brundt, maybe it gives her a minion to help her do her bidding. Just like this Mother Night and the Vermintol Coven and Mother Midnight...

Like a focus. Yes! The ability to do all of this magic requires a vessel like Van Brunt, is that what you are suggesting? Well, Vergil's mighty powerful, and what's between us, he's very powerful, but he can't do anything without me, you see? Oh. I do. He ain't nothing without me. So it's sort of like you each have a gun to each other's backs, when you can't exist without the other.

Well, I guess if you put it like that, we don't really prefer firearms. I'm more of a banjo-plucking sort of scarecrow. He's got a nice cane. Anyways... I mean, I don't want to tip or throw it, but it's not bad. I mean, come on. I'm going to take out a handkerchief and unfurl it and then sort of fold it to the size and shape of my hand.

so that I can walk over to the crystal ball. So there's the table in the center where you'd have the spirit board. All of the wood is, or all of the branches are coming up out of the top of it and holding it aloft in the center of the table. If I can reach the edge of the table and lean forward, I would like to clean the surface without letting my skin contact the surface of the glass. You can easily do that. You see, as you do this, you can feel the thrum of magic

And for a second, you see a faint image appear as it feels the warmth of your hand. But as you press the cloth down to it further, the image dissipates and it's just a crystal ball. The ball is capable of showing image. I had a brief glimpse in my mind, even through the fabric in my hand. Wow. You think it's Mr. Dillon trying to talk to us? It's on the spirit board. We would have to...

Touch it further to find out. We've got time to kill. Let's sit down. What do you think, fellas? Well, I think maybe Miss Adela's trying to send us a message. Maybe she needs help. I worry that you are wrong about that assumption, Jericho. It could be the Queen. Adela and Farron could be on their way or they could be captured. We might need to...

to kill William, to figure out what's going on to free them. We have to take the chance. Unlike the spirit board, I think only one of us need touch the crystal ball at the time. We can all try to put our hands on it at once, but a crystal ball only needs one user. Okay, well, maybe we just follow the spirit board. It's the same, and maybe it'll be friendly old Petrini. We free the spirit, I know that...

You said that he was getting burned alive or whatever it was, but maybe it's all just a trick. Maybe friendly Mr. Petrini will come and he'll show us what to do, or Miss Adela will give us the directions out of here. Maybe she's outside with Lord Philip. Always the optimist. And just as with the spirit board before, we risk curse. We risk death. Possession. Be prepared for anything. Pull away if you feel any danger at all.

Gosh, I'm 75% possessed. I think, I believe, that Jericho might be right. When I saw Petrini, I yelled out to him. I told him we needed his help, yet again. While I do believe that these are all tricks, deep down I hope he heard me, and I'll step forward and raise my hand.

I hope he heard you too. Miss Adela, Farron, we're here to save you. Miss Adela, please tell us you're outside enjoying- You are not included, Bag. Sarsaparilla. All together. Are you ready? Hold on. Pull my left hand off. And it'll walk up to it. And it'll touch it. I'm taking one little half step back. Together. Together. Together. Together.

You all sit down around the crystal ball and join your wills together. And suddenly, it alights. The darkness within is banished by a glowing amber light that fills the room until your vision turns to amber. And you all experience shared visions and rapid fire secession. A beautiful fey lady wreathed in gorgeous green garlands observes her domain. But through the beautiful boughs, she sees a dark shape in the form of a stag.

A forest withers and dies, the green turning to the darkness of decay and rot. Blight spreads like wildfire and kills everything it touches. A single ruined tree is all that remains of a once verdant forest until it fully withers and crumbles into itself before the looming shape of twisted antlers. A seed is all that remains, fading from all memory until it is plucked from the realms of summer and brought to the realms of man.

Three hideous purple and horned hags plant the seed in soil rife with death and erect stones in honor of a new entity. Teeth are offered, the dripping blood feeding the tiny dark seed beneath the stone as it sprouts amidst the rotting molars in the shadow of a windmill. The windmill burns along with the hags and no more offerings come. Yet another seed, a powerful seed, is planted amongst the charred wreckage.

A castle burns, followed by the rain. The land itself leaves, but the sprout remains in the darkness, in the death, in mist. Time passes, and suddenly the sproutling is in new yet familiar soil, and the hags that watered it are its final meal. They are part of her now.

The sprout grows stronger, wilder, more powerful, until the Amber came, a new prison for this new land. New hags come, even uglier than the first three. Their offerings of teeth are vastly larger than before. Power grows in the Amber prison, but siphoned away, robbed, stolen.

The sapling grows into the lady once more, but forever changed by her decay, death, and rebirth amongst the teeth, yet still formless in the prison and yearning for home. Light in the amber chamber, six shapes from beyond the mist, the key to her freedom, the key to her homecoming, the key to her vengeance.

The visions leave you as soon as they came. The gnarled branches and roots that held the crystal ball slither into the table, leaving the ball to roll off the tablecloth and crash to the ground. You realize that three doors have appeared on three of the walls. - Oh, what the fuck? - Oh no. - So much time. - Wait.

Did Farron ever describe Gorthos to us?

I don't think she described what Gorthos looked like, just what Gorthos does. Did we all have the shared memories? Gorthos appeared in that. Oh, yes, yes, yes. We saw Gorthos. Yes. In the shared memory. Oh no. Fairy. Oh no! Is Fairy in trouble?

Farron didn't do all that, did she? I mean, just because, I mean, everything that, that old Virgil did, uh, that, that, that I, that I was connected to doesn't mean that I, that I, that I have the blame. We all share the blame, Jericho. It was us. We were six, the figures, the key to, uh, leashing this evil, ancient evil across the land. More so, we understand that we're dealing with things that are far beyond us. We are but pawns in this wicked game.

I'll look up at the painting as everyone is talking. Has the image shifted or changed at all, or is the Crooked Queen still there in the same vision that she was in before?

You, looking up at it, you see that the roots that had held the crystal ball have completely retracted, and now you see a painting in its place. It is not the painting of Eustace and Petunia Lockwood, but clearly a painting that Adela had had created for you, and it is all of you together like a family. Are the three doors where we remember the foyer, the kitchen, and the...

"Ah! Vagin' Noble?" I run up and I open the foyer door and look out. "Miss Varen!" You look out and you see the foyer. "Oh!" "To the attic, yes? Yes?" "We could try! Miss Varen!" "Varen!" Suddenly, all of the doors open with a crash. You realize now that the crooked house is no longer moving or changing.

And in response to you calling out, you hear a cry for help from the direction of the kitchen, where you know the door leads to the cellar and the darkness below. Farron's voice cries out for help. I immediately, I immediately run for it. I'm right behind Marius. We're not even hesitating. Right through the kitchen. I'm on the opposite side of the room. Oh, wait for me! No, no, no! Miss Farron, we're coming! Don't worry, don't worry!

You leave the parlor behind, running through the familiar rooms of the crooked house until you arrive at the darkened kitchen. No purple flame shoots from the oven and you can see no dream pastries. The door to the wine cellar is ajar and you hear Farron's cries for help even louder. You rush down and find the smashed keg and the broken foundation leading deeper into the earth, the chamber where you first encountered Kellen of the Crooked Teeth. Farron's cries grow louder as you make your way to the base of the ruined windmill atop which the house was built.

and in a sudden flash you see the form of William Van Brunt, the Crooked Man. This is where it all started, you know. Right here. This soil is not of Druskinvald. Your little ritual in the forest at the Witch's Shack may have worked and banished our queen from the earth of Druskinvald, but this soil is far older. She can never be banished from this place. But she doesn't need to. She wants to go back to where she came from. You can just turn back now and let her go.

- What, you're just gonna go home? - Oh. - And like leave? Can we have Farron and Miss Adela and bygones be bygones and such? - We will not leave without our friends. - Fuck you, Van Brunt. Your words mean nothing. - As you say these words, Van Brunt shrugs as he shimmers and fades from view. I tried to warn you.

- Wait, hold on, is Farron okay? - Farron's cries grow louder as you descend into the darkest depths. Trying to retrace your footsteps from weeks earlier, you manage to make your way down, but you see no amber light. You sprint forward and the scene you see is far more terrible than what you had seen when you first saw the amber monolith.

A tree now stands in the chamber, with bark as black as midnight and branches gnarled and twisted, raising their arms towards the cavern ceiling as if begging for salvation. In a dark knotted hollow in the center of the trunk, you see an imprisoned Adela, squirming as the knotwork keeps her in a tighted vice. Below the hollow is a face in the tree, unmoving in the form of a twisted crooked grin of Kellan.

Her darkened eyes and mouth drip a thick black sap that pours down over your friend, Farron of the Heartsplite, as she hangs towards the base of the trunk. Her arms outstretched and held, pinned to the tree with grasping branches. Her entire torso is coated in the black sap. As it seeps into her eyes, ears, and mouth, she seems totally unconscious. Yet she cries out for help.

It's only now that you realize that the voice is not Farron's. It was never Farron's. The voice comes from the hideous crooked tree that grows beneath the crooked house. It is the voice of Kellyn of the Crooked Teeth. She speaks as you enter. You refused my gift once, but now I will accept no refusal. This one here with a broken heart and decayed soul is of akin with me. I even know her dark master with whom I have unfinished business.

I have grown so very tired of this deathly realm, and this satyr's soul is my passage home, right to the heart of corruption and the beginning of my revenge. Would you dare stand between me and my righteous mission? Hold on, hold on, hold on. The face on the tree does not move. The unconscious form of Farron hangs there all the while her mouth is moved, puppeted, as the voice that erupts from her body is definitely not Farron's. Everybody...

Alright? No, hold on, Mary! Alright? It's gonna be fine. Righteous mission. It's gonna be fine. You must be kidding me. Look, you know, we don't have any, you know, any beef with you. You know, if you wanna go home, so be it. Take the whole fucking house if you want. If we just would like our friends back, please. I can't do that. The tree needs her body. I need her body. Oh.

No one else need get hurt here. Just turn and walk away. I look to Jorgrim. I think just one last person needs to get hurt here. You let them go right now! I don't think I shall be doing that, Jorgrim. I have a spot on my left with your name on it. Billy tried to tell you where your place is. Join me. I could use your strength. What have they given you? Nothing. I could give you everything.

I don't want anything from you, except my friends back. And if you won't release them, then I've got a spot for your name too, on my back. I smile a delicious grin. She does not respond to you. You just watch as Farron's body hangs there. Is she alive? Farron is alive, unconscious. And that's just, okay. Does she look wounded?

I mean, you don't see any like gaping wounds or blood at all. You just see that it does appear that there are maybe some of these branches that are embedded in parts of her flesh. And it looks almost as if it's drinking of her essence. Is there still like a big pool of water between us? No, you're just standing on soil. You're just on the ground. There's soil. There's a huge tree that's grown up at the edge.

And you see the face of Kellen, or you see almost like a wooden jail cell that has Adela trapped in it. She looks exhausted and she looks wounded and pained, almost too tired to put up a fight anymore as she's holding onto the...

the bar, the wooden cage that she's in. You see the face of Kellen above that and then hanging in the boughs, you see Farron. Miss Adela, are you okay? We're here to save you. Oh gosh, Jericho, I'm not feeling so well.

And you see her eyes kind of swim as she reaches forward and grabs onto the bar as you see a little bit of blood as it drips down from her ears. You see bruises appearing on her cheeks and all along her arms. Well, what do you need her for? She ain't got nothing to do with any weird, gross-ass deer. Let Miss Adela go.

You watch as the bow shakes a little bit, as Farron's head is puppeted towards you, her eyes rolling back in her head, clearly unconscious as her mouth opens and Kellyn's voice speaks out from within. She's got her own magics, an entity that can see into the future, a sentient being, a diviner. They've got their own power.

that I can use. Don't tell me what is mine and what is not in a place that comes from where I was forced out into this world. This soil is mine. This house is mine. And those within it are mine. I gave you the chance to run. I'll give it to you once more. I'll turn to Briggsie. I'll say, I'll give you a chance. If you want to talk to us, fine. But I'm with your room.

I'm not leaving without the ladies. I put one hand on my sword. I think we've got to chop down this tree, fellas. Hold on, hold on. Let me throw one down here. I will have my hand on the sharp blade. I don't know if you knew this. Timber. I'll take a few steps forward. Okay. Look, I'll get it. You had a rough string of life circumstances. Me too. I mean, fucking look at me.

Apologies for the smell, if you know, the horrible face in a tree can smell. Surely there must be some kind of compromise. I mean, can you sort of get what you need from these two lovely ladies without killing them and without horribly altering them permanently? Do what you need to do and go away. And look, we won't follow you. We won't do anything else. You can go deal with that big disgusting nightmare tree monster, deer monster. Do your thing.

We have our own shit to deal with here. I have offered you my terms. I'll let you turn and walk away. But you must do so now. I'll think a few steps back. Yorra! I think you need to use your shovel to cut down this fucking tree. What happens if we refuse your terms? Then you'll all become minions of the Crooked Queen.

I draw my sword. I'll have my chakram. All right, so we're doing this. I think you will find that task more than you can achieve. You are no match for us when we stand together. A guttural laugh bellows out over this room, shaking the very foundation of this room, and you hear it intermingle with Billy's laugh as well.

And then it sounds like the laughs, Farron's laugh, intermingled with that as well. And then the voices of others. Voices you don't recognize. A multitude of laughter billows out around you as you all draw your weapons and rush forward.

And then you realize that all around you, crooked roots and branches grow from all crevices in the subterranean chamber as you hear cracking above you. Suddenly, a shape descends from the darkness above, blocking your path as a wall of gnarled branches form between you and the tree. Before you is the rotting, crooked corpse of William Van Brunt, held aloft by a branch-like tether to the crooked tree. He looks at you with yellowed, sunken eyes and grins with his rotting, crooked teeth and points at you, Jorgrim.

So you've come to join me, brother. Let us water the tree of our queen together. I need everyone to roll for initiative. - Oh, I need a good die for this. - Oh, not bad. Not a bad start. - Oh, thank God I have good initiative. - She's barely got me. - Ah.

- I crank the music a little bit. - I look around at the base of the tree. Do I see any ass grooves? - You cannot see the base of the tree in a long time. - That's very funny. - Wait, did you see any what? - Ass grooves. - Oh, ass grooves. - Is there anywhere to just sit on the tree? - I thought you said bathrooms, and I'm like, you're not pissing on this tree, Derek. - I mean, come on.

Why so greedy? I use my action to piss. Where are you going with all of that? 20 to 25. With my plus one initiative, I got a dirty 20. He beat me by one. 21. Yeah, nice job. And what did you get? Nine. Oh, you can go first. I got a 17. A nine? Okay, hold on. 17. So you got a 20? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 21, 20, 17, nine, nine, and I'll go first.

And then Jericho, depending on if there's any-- Greasy Marius Jericho. It's been a hot minute since I've had to use any spells here. Oh yeah, I just don't know how to play a board. And then it's Lethika Yorgrum? Or Yorgrum Lethika? It's Lethika Yorgrum. Yorgrum Lethika. Yorgrum Lethika. Why don't I have-- Ah, there it is. Perfect. The, oh. Can you get the map out for me, Rich, please? Oh, get the map. Oh!

- Oh, sweet. - And then here, if you can put this on there. Just put it near the tree. - Where do you want us? - We'll just have it in front of the tree. - I got you. Just around that one. - Okay.

Yeah, there we go. Looks like death improved your looks. Should I peek this way? I think that looks good. I think that looks good. You wanna do it like this? You wanna rotate it? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, rotate it like this. Okay. You can actually, just for the sake of map space, put him in the middle of the crooked tree. Yeah. And then we're thinking like here's-- And then you would all be at the entrance, yeah. I'd be in the back with Brinkley. No, here's Farron.

Mary's in that would be like... She's like trapped behind the... Yes. Okay. I love this guy. How's that? Is that looking good? Damn. That looks good to me. Fucking minis.

You're more straight down, yeah. The puppeted body of William Van Brunt, the new crooked man, hangs in the-- What are you doing? Oh, there you go. Hangs from the boughs of the crooked tree as you all rush forward to attack Brigzy. You're first. No!

I, very stunned and not used to being first, I am going to, with my skeletal left hand, I'll put out a hand sign as there's this sort of neon green cross that appears on him, almost as if cut by two cutlasses. And...

I'll say, look, I gave you all a fucking chance. Voodoo gun! And I'm gonna fire a shot. I need you to roll a charisma saving throw. Oh no. Gosh. That is really good. 23. You stare up at Billy as you go to make your attack and you see the crooked grin appear on his face and for a moment you feel almost...

You feel almost enchanted by it, but you're able to shrug it off as you let loose the power of the voodoo gun. Okay, so I use Hexblade's Curse on this guy, and so now I will attack with Eldritch Blast, and I probably hit, and that is a, God, how do I play this character? 22 to hit, or no, 20. That hits. 24 to hit. And then that's only gonna do,

- Oh no. - Yikes! - Oh no. - Yikes! - You do that. He lets out a loud guffaw as he takes the damage. You see a small splinter burst on the side of one of the vines that is sinking deep within his skin that's puppeting his corpse. And that is your...

That's your attack, that's your turn. Marius. I cast Shield of Faith on myself. Yeah, okay. I think it's only itself. No, it's a creature of your choice within range. That's why I was in charge, it was me too, but I just wanted to make sure. Okay, so I see the voodoo gun fire off from over my shoulder and with both hands grasping my sword, I rush forward and I shout out loud, "My liege, my crown, protect me!" As I cast Shield of Faith on myself to raise my AC by two.

And then I will move forward. And with my action, I will make two attacks. Are you in melee range of him? Oh, absolutely. I need you to make a constitution saving throw the moment you walk into melee range. Okay. How bad is this? Should I bump it? I call it plus seven. Plus seven is pretty good. Plus seven is solid. Yeah, I'm still solid. Why don't we use one? I'm absolutely fine. We have a plan. Let's use one. Let's use two. Let's use two. Let's use two. All right, so plus nine. Thank you, Chimmy.

18 total. Nice. I feel pretty good about that. 16 might not have been enough. 16 was the DC. Okay. So you would have been fine, but it was close. That's okay. You step up towards Billy and you can feel the rot in the soil and the branches around you that you're climbing up on to get into range of him. And you feel it...

You feel it land on your skin and the way it sizzles and burns in this dark necrotic magic, but you're able to shake it off. And I need you to also do a charisma saving throw. Yikes! Well, this one's plus 11, so let's hope that this one's okay. No, no.

Yeah, 24. Okay. Similar to Brigzy, you look up and you see the crooked grin on his face, and for a moment, it catches your attention, and you almost lose the ability to attack as you are lost in this crooked grin, but you shake it off and you're able to swing wide with your blade.

Natural fucking taunting! Let's go! The other one's a dirty taunting. Okay. So I'm gonna smite the natural taunting. Yeah, I mean, that would make sense. Burn him at the roots! So it would be, for the first attack, it'll be 4d8 plus 2d10. Ooh.

which is gonna be 12 plus five is 17 plus 10 is 27 plus six is 33 for the first attack. 33? 33 for the first attack. And then just, oh, 33 plus five is 38. And then another seven points of damage. So a total of...

45 over two attacks. That's amazing. That's significantly, you do significantly more damage than Briggsie did. My sword will absolutely pour this blood red light as I call forth the power of these magics. It's like strike.

at William Van Brunt, that's my turn. You slice into him, severing vine and root and branch from his puppeted corpse. You do watch as they reattach to him, but it does a significant amount of damage. He looks shocked for a moment, but you see that smile form on his face once again as amidst the battle, the crooked Van Brunt looks around and he smirks.

bearing his crooked teeth. And then he calls out, "Arise, sisters." And the ground beneath your feet begins to shake and begins to undulate as the roots begin to move. And then you begin to hear is out from the roots. You begin to see the forms of three haggish women

None of them you have ever seen before, but they begin to call out.

you hear the largest of them, if you want to put that close to Van Brunt, the largest of them, the other two call out, get him, Morgantha. Assist him. Assist our queen's champion. And then the next you hear, you hear Morgantha call out, Bella, to the left.

a Thalia to the right. And I want you to put each of them, one on the left, one on the right. - On the right? - No, on the right side of the, yeah, of the right side of the tree. And this is just him using the lair action to call out. - Are they all hanging? - They have all arisen from the earth and they are ensnarled in the bow of the tree and they're hanging there. But you notice that the tree, the bow of it extends the entire length of this room.

As they dangle there, their bodies, you notice, are charred. You see parts where their skin had been burnt off and bubbled, but you see that bits of hardened bark is beginning to form over the burned scar tissue as they hang there and snarl down at you. And that is the lair action, and so I need to roll for them.

What did you get, Jorgren? Oh, nine. What did you get? We were tied. You were tied, okay.

They got an eight, but I'm going to put them in between you just because I want to. That's fine. I don't care. It just evens it out a little bit. It evens it out. I made a cobweb, so. A strong wind is going to take you down. With your permission, I put them between you.

- Is it fair to say that the big one is Morgantha? - The big one is Morgantha and then it's Bella and-- - They're all sisters. - Yes, a following. - They're three sisters. - Oh, I thought we're, at least in Curse of Strahd it was her daughter. Anyway, that's fine. - With hags, sisters, daughters, it doesn't really matter. Grandmothers. - No relation. - He uses that lair action to call forth the Crooked Coven. Jericho, it's your turn.

I'll say, "I have you know that the demon inside of me eats little witches like you for breakfast! Chop 'em down, Yorgi!" And with that, I will do a twang on my banjo as a hellish orange light, as eyeballs appear in the air and glare down the Eye of Sauron on everyone here, as I give you bardic inspiration, as I cast Faerie Fire. I think I should be able to get everybody and not get Marius.

Isn't it a square? It's a circle, isn't it? I think it's a cube. It's a 24-cube. It's pretty small. 24-cube. So it's a 4x4 cube. Can I get these guys?

Yeah, one, two, three. You can get both of these. I don't know if you can get them. One, two, three. Yeah, you got it, you got it. I'll get all four of these. So Van Brunt, Morgotha, and one of the daughters has to roll. Number three. Number three, yeah. We'll say three is Ophalia. That's exactly who it is, actually. How'd you know? And two is the other one, I forget the other one. Bella. Bella. Beautiful names. Sexy-Aries saving throws for all of them. Yes.

Including Billy. A Folly of Fails. Wait, who was the other one? Billy, Morgontha, and a Folly of Fails. I'm gonna reroll it 'cause I dropped it. That's a five. Morgontha fails.

- And Van Brunt is gonna use a legendary resistance. - Oh! - All right, okay, okay, that's okay. They are glowing, the two hags are glowing in this fiendish orange light as eyeballs are kind of slithering all around them. That is my, I'm gonna probably, two, three, four, five, six. Okay, that's it. And you get a bardic inspiration, mark that down. - Is that a d8?

Yes, it should be.

Van Brunt looks towards you, Jorggrim, and you're going to watch as the branches immediately begin to move and you see Van Brunt pulled within the bow of the tree. You're looking everywhere for him and then all of a sudden you feel him immediately behind you. He's going to use his bonus action plant transport ability to get behind you. He does not take damage.

attacks of opportunity when he uses it in this way. Shucks. Yeah, I'm really sad. And then he's going to make two crooked claw attacks against you. Against me? Against you, yeah. They're a disadvantage. That's what the first one is. I'm going to use a dread on one of them. Okay, that one will pass. Does a 19 hit? 19 hits. That's his lowest? Okay, so both of those are going to hit.

Oh no. I need a dance. Ow! This fucking sucks. Damn it! Help me, John Goodman! John Goodman only helps those who help themselves. John Goodman appears to those in need. You simply have to call

Are you gonna take 28 points of piercing damage? Oh, piercing damage? Mm-hmm. Hang on, hang on. And because you were hit by both of them, you are grappled.

What does that mean again? It's just 0. Just the movement speed. And you can be dragged along. There's a DC to get out of it, which you can use your turn to attempt to do should you like to. And then he's going to use, because he has you grappled, he's going to use Crooked Teeth on you.

See you around, Jorg. You be cool. Your regular teeth is fine. Does 18 hit? Oh no. And that's going to do 16 points of piercing damage. I thought this was Druskinfall. You can bite my balls and go on your own. And that is his turn. Jorgren.

You call her queen, Vanbrunt, but when we strike you down, she'll call you food. And I will... Would it be, would it make sense for me to assume that if he has me grappled, if he tried to do his tree, like, nightcrawler thing again, I would go with him? Yes. Okay. I'll just fuck him. Yeah. I attack recklessly. Okay.

I need you to roll a charisma saving throw and a constitution saving throw, please. Oh!

Do you have an aura? Yes. I think you have to be within-- Either way, you're within 15 feet. Yeah, 10 feet. For sure. 30 feet. Before the attack? No, it's 10 feet. Yes, so to attack him, you have to roll a charisma saving throw. Okay. And while in melee range, I need a constitution saving throw. 17 for the charisma save. That passes.

I got plus one. I'm not very charismatic. Death to trees! This tree is getting chugged in.

You can't help on this one, bro. What was this one? A con save? A constitution saving throw. Oh, damn, dude. Plus 14. Yeah, it's 14. You immediately take... You immediately take two points of necrotic damage. As the crooked rot seeps into you.

Jorgim, calm down. Jorgim, it's two points. He's running me like an apple. He bit into my sand and I'm running like an apple, Marius. It's just fucking night crawling over to me. Snag me. Bit into me and my flesh is running. Jorgim, tighten up. I need you to lock it up. Jorgim.

Fuck, I hate this guy! Tighten and lock. Your first attack was like an 18, bro. Well, I didn't really... Roll away from Derek. Roll away from Derek. Well, that could be my second attack anyway, so if I wanted to keep my first, one would hit. Well, presumably. I rolled an 18, so 25. And you rolled a charisma saving throw for both.

- For both? - Oh, so the first attack goes through. Oh my goodness. - It bounced towards Derek, I'm sure. - Yeah. - No, I don't think it's the second Christmas Eve throw. - Well, yeah, it's four. - Yeah, it's seven. - You know, just to make it easy, I'll only do it on the first attacks. That way people, you know, 'cause it feels bad if you only get one attack per round, but someone with two attacks per round,

Oh, I rolled my second attack. I missed my second attack. You missed either one. Oh, you missed that. Okay. Roll for damage. Roll for damage. Oh, right. Got it. Gosh. Now remember that you're an ancestral guardian. Remember you're raging. Yeah, you're raging, so get your rage damage. Just plus two. Okay, okay. So that's plus seven.

13. Oh, the wicked number. Is rage up to plus three yet or no? No. No. That's later, okay. You slash into William Van Brunt and he laughs with every hit that he takes. You can see that these branches that are puppeting his body seem to be taking from and giving from him all at the same time. And he...

He takes each of your hits as if it was no issue at all, all the while holding you to himself.

And Jorgrim might describe the mist coming from his lantern. Oh, yes. Engulfing him because now, just mechanically, he's been marked by the Ancestral Guardian. So if Billy attacks anyone besides Jorgrim, it's disadvantaged. Oh. That's exactly right. That's exactly what happens. No, I was going to say that. You taught my line. I was just inhaling the breath. Jack, you can also protect PD with your reaction.

I can't take your rejection. No, no, no, that's not. That's not. That's restraint. If you want to. I was misremembering. Grapple is just me. Thanks, Toa. No pressure. I'm sort of over here, you know what I mean? Played a subclass for a few years. We can just skip the Crooked Coven. I mean,

Lady, no! No! You've been summoning the Magna Sister to a stubborn! Let's start by eating the busty one. Van Brunt calls out. And then devour her. Holy fuck. No! Holy fuck. Holy fuck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Well, that's the end of this free time. Woo!

Van Brunt calls out, "Come and help me, sisters. Morgantha, Bella, Ophalia, make yourselves useful for once in death. Foltus knows you are never useful in life." Immediately, the three figures that have dropped down from the darkness above, these desiccated hag corpses puppeted by the same branches that manipulate Van Brunt, they all begin to croak voicelessly and move their withered hands out

and about as they begin to cast their dark magics. They are going to look at all of you and I need you to... I wish.

I need you all to roll, oh no, they're, together you watch as this sickly dark magic that is traveling from each one of their individual fingers begins to line up and focus on a target. They are going to look towards Jericho, who is the one that cast the spell.

You fairy fire on them, and I need you to make a wisdom saving throw, please. Wisdom, you say? You do not get my plus four. I'm gonna add, I'll add plus four anyway. You're in range, he just denies. That's called fate.

Woof. Yeah, that is a woof. I got it with my plus four twist. Why does the dice even have that side? That's terrible. With my plus four. Who made this? Who made this? Zeeplyplot. Three plus four is seven. Oh, that fails. You watch as the magic from their three individual fingers, this dark purple necrotic magic, as these lines of magical power

and converge together and shoot straight towards Jericho like a beam of necrotic energy. It begins to shift and change to a similar pink hue, the pink hue that you remember from the dream pastries. As they look out and Morgantha calls out and says, "Dream, little one," and you immediately fall unconscious. For one round, you are asleep. You'll wake up at the start of your next turn. Oh, that's nice.

And that is the Crooked Cabin. Do they move at all? They do not move. They're exactly where they are. It is Lethany's turn. It is Lethany's turn. But he is going to go ahead and make another touch of Rod Attack on Yorgrym. Ah!

Is he still disadvantaged on you? No, because he hit me. Well, no. Yeah, I got it back. No. Because it was your turn again. Yes. But I recanted, so it's even. So it's even. Straight. Okay, okay, okay. Does a 17 hit?

Yes. Oh my god, your AC is shit. It's 17. Okay. Just saying. He's biting me! He's eating me! Ten points. And then he's gonna eat you! Ten points of damage. Piercing damage? Oh my god! Oh my god!

No, it's necrotic damage, isn't it? For the bite, it's the rot that is necrotic damage. That's fucking crazy. The bite is piercing. That's fucking amazing. Someone jiff this immediately. Please, I'm begging you. I will, um...

Oh, fuck. I don't know what to do. I think I can see that everyone is struggling with the warping effects, the attacking, saving throws, these sorts of things. And so I will take a step over here and making sure that everyone is in range. I will whisper, Dark Lady, hear my prayer.

Protect us. Protect my allies and my friends so that we can save a life. So that we can defeat this terrible evil. Let the darkness fall. And I will cast Bless on everyone. Oh, shit. Let's fucking go. Attack rolls and saving throws plus 1d4. Yes! Oh! Bazinga. Huge. And I cast it at a third level so that it hits all five of us. Is that a one-time thing? No, that's the next minute, my friend, as long as I can concentrate on it. Oh.

And then I'm going to cast Spiritual Weapon, and I will make a Spiritual Weapon occur right here, and then I'm going to-- I was here five, 20, I think I can make it here next to Jericho. Back at work.

And my spiritual weapon appears and attacks, which means that I need to make a spell attack against Crooked Moon Man. You're attempting to fight Van Brunt? Yeah. Yeah, I need you to make a charisma saving throw. Well, I got a natural one. I was rolling for the attack. That's cheating, that's cheating. I'm going to get a, and I blessed myself, so I'm gonna roll a d4. Nice. I'm going to get

What is it, charisma, you say? I get like 20 billion. The DC 16. Oh yeah, I absolutely crush it and I'm able to resist the effect or take half. All it does is determine whether you get to attack him or not. Oh, so now I may attack. Now you may attack, you got a natural one. Okay, I got a natural one, that counted. That was the intended roll. Yeah. It misses.

And that will be the conclusion of my turn. Thank you for your time. You're welcome. I'll be here all night. The... It's the end of this round. Cobwebs. Briggsie, as you watch as Lethika...

makes these moves to try and save Jorgom. Your attention is focused on all of these different areas that you don't notice at first. The roots that begin to writhe up around your legs. As you hear, he's going to use two legendary actions and allow...

and Kellen is going to step into the fight as she, you hear through the roots almost vibrating in your mind, I would like you to grovel. And she's gonna cast Command. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. - I see this massive hanging root man and I, yeah, I just did Sharia Looms gargantuan over you.

Char's blessing upon you. You have bless. Whiz you say? I do say whiz. Roll a d4. So hold on. So that's five plus two is seven. I mean the highest I figured out.

She casts command on you and commands you to grovel. So you fall prone and kneel. At the start of my next turn, I'll grovel. Yeah, and it is the start of your next turn. Oh, I'm so sorry! Why did I even try to parlay? Oh, God, please, please, just take your place! That's your turn. I'm prone.

Marius. I'm going to show her Gotha. I'd like to attempt to attack her. Okay. No checks or anything for her? Nope. All right, I hit her twice. Well, we'll figure it out. Fairy fire's better than that damage. The lowest was a-- Was she fairy fire? You're damaged. Yeah. Oh. First one will hit. Saltfish for a crit. No, Billy resisted it. Thank you. Second one is a natural 20.

So I'm more like less gaffer. I don't have the damage, right? It's just to hit for Bless? Yeah, Bless. I'm suspending another first. I'm almost out of spawn slots. That's a one-time use though, right? That's going to get 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 25 for the first hit. Way lower. 25...

And then another nine is 34 points of damage over two attacks. Again, I'm just like in the groove here and like rolling with it. My sword is absolutely alight with this blood red magic as I bring down and smite, thanking my liege again for their guidance.

34 points of damage over two attacks. It does a significant amount of damage. You watch as your blade rips through her burn-scarred skin, hitting it, bark as you see bits of splinters fly off this way and that. The rotting bits of her flesh fall to the ground with a squishy pop as it hits her.

As you do a significant amount of damage to her, she lets out a loud shriek and recoils back, but the bow of the tree continues to puppet her forward. Creatures of the night will not take our allies! And it is the lair action. The Crooked Coven is going to look at all of you in a 15-foot radius sphere. They're going to try and hit as many of you as possible.

They can definitely get the three of us. Yeah, I was going to say, it's either this or this. Do they all go on layer action and their initiative? This is-- so their layer actions are different. So yes, this is something that they're doing as a layer action. Damn.

And so, 15-foot radius sphere, and they all begin to shake the bough of the tree as they rock back and forth, doing this horrific night hag dance among the bough, shaking loose all of these teeth from the bough of the trees as they begin to pelt down around you. Those that are in the 15-foot radius sphere-- That's us.

Need to make a dexterity saving throw, please. And you add four and your default. Does prone disadvantage me? I feel like yes, it does. And then I can check under prone. You have disadvantage on attack rolls. Oh, that's it. Otherwise the attack roll and that's disadvantage. Yeah, you're right. You're not disadvantaged. Yeah, it doesn't say anything about-- 'Cause you can roll.

I'm going to use two twists. Okay. Thank you for the twist, Chet. We need luck. Oh, I need to add two more because I'm blessed by Doug Lady. I will appeal you. 24. Why'd you say it like that? It's a weird question. 19. You're going to pee in the door.

I'm just flailing on the ground. I think I still fail. So seven, eight, nine, 10 dex you say? 11, 12, 13, 14. 14 fails. The 19 succeed. It does 33 piercing damage to those that failed and half to those that passed. Oh my god.

It's basically like teeth fireball. It's close to teeth fireball. And you're raging. So it's another action. Damn, my brain's so fucking sick. Long-life, my brain's so bad. That was a big hit. I have to roll a six on a d6 for them to do that again. So it's not like you have to deal with it every single air action.

And Jericho, it's your turn. That's my turn. Oh, hello, Miss Lampica. You want to stand up? I can't. We come to the end of this turn. No, start off your turn. Oh, start? You don't lose a turn. You don't lose a turn. You just forego any reactions until your next turn.

You can't get out of things. You would automatically fail saves, that kind of stuff. It would be half your speed to get up, right? Oh, you're right. Shucks. I am going to, oh gosh, oh gosh. Mass healing word is what? My name is what? I'm going to run for it. Oh, you're not looking too good.

One, two, three! And I am going to play "Okay, virginal, let's all go to the crooked tree, let's all go to the crooked tree, let's all go to the crooked tree to get your demon self a snack." And I am going to twang, cast a bonus action to heal, Mass Healing Word, which is a third level spell. I am going to be able to... Up to six creatures! Damn! So one, two, three, all of us.

All of us will enjoy some healing. That is going to be... All of us will enjoy eight points of healing. All of us? As a bonus action. Great. And I will look at Morgotha, and I will narrow my eyes, and I'll say...

I once accidentally murdered all of my best gals who also happened to be hags. Isn't that great? As I cast Mind Sliver on her. Which one, Morgotha? Morgotha, yep. Because she's been damaged, right? Yeah, she's been damaged. It's a, what saving throw? Intelligent saving throw.

and I'll just roll in case she does fail. - She rolled a natural 11 plus 15. - 15, that is barely fails. So she will take six points, or no, 10 points. 10 points of psychic damage and she must subtract one D4 on the next saving throw that she makes before the end of my next turn. - Okay. - And that is my turn, thank you.

That happens. She looks out at you, very confused by you, but your words seem to hit deep. And she's wounded by this and seems to be...

put off and disoriented a little bit. It is now Van Brunt's turn. Jorgrym, you are still in his arms. He is going to use his bonus action to move towards the corner of the room that is uninhabited by anyone. Yep. Oh, the tree. This is the tree ability, though? So I don't have to worry about attack opportunity? Yeah, no opportunity attacks. This is his bonus action to...

Move via plants. And he is going to make both of his attacks against, two of his attacks against you. Are they disadvantage, regular? Regular, disadvantaged, advantage? - You took damage. - I've been hit. - Yeah, so it'd be regular. - Okay. - Irregular. - Advantage. - Advantage. - 'Cause he Recklessly attacked. - Okay, well I rolled a three and a one for the first attack. - Oh, that's good. - So one of them misses.

I am going to Twist of Dread because I rolled a three and a four. Okay, that one passes. So he's going to hit you with one of his claws and then he's also going to attempt to bite. Okay, and the bite hits too. So the bite, oh no, those are deep ends. The bite goes in and it is 11. Ah!

You're so stupid. You take five of that. 14 points of slashing damage, or piercing damage from his claws. So 12 total. Yeah. That's right. And that is his turn. After I yell, "Powden Bane, enjoy your final moments, Van Brunt."

Your first queen comes for you. The first queen comes for you. And when she hunts, no prey eludes her sight. Um...

He wants to respond, but his mouth is so full of your flesh that he's unable to say anything. Joke on it, you fuck! 88 prime orc. Your grimm, it is your turn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, charisma, charisma. Mm-hmm.

Add a 1d4. Add some twist to that. Oh, you're golden, man. Oh, mega golden. Yeah. Remember, you only need to roll a one, so. Oh, yes! 20 charisma. Yep. And you're in melee, so you need to make the con save against the rock. Con save against the rock. Add a 1d4. Yep. I love plus. Yeah. Lot, 23. That passes. Okay. They're both 16. And now. You're gonna get a crit.

Can this be used on attack? Yes. Oh! And d4 is the plus to hit. Come on. Oh, yeah. Plus seven, 13. 20. Beautiful. And this is one time, right? Yep. 20. Okay, so 20 to hit. So I'll hit the first time, and then I'll attack again.

Yikes, bro. Oh, plus, I mean, plus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. You're good. You're golden. You're golden. Oh! 20. 20 both times. Yes. Both of us hit. I finally learned how to cleric. And buff everyone around you and stand back and let your spiritual weapon do the work. Oh, yes. Good job, God. Well done. Ha ha! Ha ha!

20 points of damage. And I'd like to, if he has kind of like a gnarled root, like collarbone, I'd like to grab him by it, spin the shovel in my hand, just start like digging into, like where like a neck sinews, like maybe viney neck sinews. You can say the word clavicle. That feels good. Is it like collarbone? It's collarbone clavicle, yeah. Oh, and clavicles are here? It's the same thing. Just take your shirt off.

At this point. Let's hold hands later. I know they're acid dense in that bed. Unrelated. Fuck you, Van Brunt! And you find that sweet spot that you were looking for and you plunge your shovel into the knotted space between his neck and his clavicle.

Yeah. And once more, the mists will pour from the lantern, obscuring his view of any of my comrades. Ooh. He is going to use legendary actions, and you're going to...

Jericho, you will feel the roots come up out of the ground and entwine around your body as you hear Kellen speak to you and tell you to halt, and she will cast Command.

Wisdom saving throw. Wisdom, you say? I'm gonna use two twists. Thanks, chat. Fuck. Oh, two. No, that's not right. There's no way. You're mathematically. Mathematically, there's no fucking way. Plus two. Eight, nine, nine. Oh, 11. No, there's no way. You immediately hold.

That's pretty good. I'm a scared girl, I'm a scared man. It is the Crooked Coven's turn. They are going to do what they did last time and they are going to attempt to put someone to sleep. They are going to look out towards all of you. They're going to look towards Lethika and you're going to watch as they...

as they intertwine that same magics and shoot it towards you, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw as well. Oh. Oh, wisdom? I don't have advantage on this, it's just straight. You're blessed. Yeah. Oh gosh.

15. That's the DC. You are able to, you feel the magics infiltrating your body and you feel yourself shrug it off. Plus eight wisdom for city throws, baby. Holy shit. They let out an angry shriek as they watch that what they've done has done nothing. And it is your turn. Oh, it's a donkey. I will use my action to produce a...

duplicate of myself. From where Lethika stands, you see an identical version of her race forward and run out to here, let's say. Nice. And I'm gonna make that a natural 20. Yeah. That makes that feel great. That duplicate Lethika is doing that work, moving forward. Badass! And I'm going to... Can you share a space with that duplicate?

It's an illusion. Presumably you could stand there. It wouldn't be difficult to rain or anything. And I will use my bonus action to... Legion fans now.

referring to. - We do have a question in chat which is can Lethika actually be put to sleep? One of the things we talked about in this campaign is the fact that it is a realm of night and sleep is very important. And so all of the characters who rules as written wouldn't be able to be put to sleep can be put to sleep in this campaign. Hence the reason Jericho, Scarecrow can be put to sleep. - Yeah, I have to sleep and it's very strange.

And also-- but fortunately, I don't have to worry about my sunlight sensitivity. So I'll move my spiritual weapon 20 feet. You'll see this chakram spin in the air. Darkness sprays out, and it will attempt to slash into Morgana with-- Morgantha. Morgantha, thank you. That's going to be 23 plus 5 or whatever it is. That hits. That's going to be one d8. Where are my d8s? Hey, d8s. D8s. Here you are.

Give me nine points of the... Force damage. Thank you, force damage for this purpose. And I will also scream out sort of, how is everyone doing? Does anyone need any healing magics? Jokrem! Is that a fucking gun coming from the side? Jokrem, I can't hear the others. Quiet! Help!

And that'll be the end of my turn. Oh my god. I used my ancient and my bonus action. Just curious, just curious, everybody. Absolutely. I'm just picking out his insides like an apple core. It takes a while for me to get online. Just hold on. Everybody hold the fuck on!

- That was set up, that was set up for next time. - He's gonna use another legendary action to, you feel his hand sink into your flesh, Jörgrim, as the skin that he touches begins to rot away. I need you to, actually no, I have to make an attack against you. Is it still advantaged?

No. No. Did you record this, Zach? Yeah. Yes. No, but I haven't been hit this time yet. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you have. Because he hit you. And then he gets it back. Wait, but I went, right? Yeah, because we're way up here. So it's straight. It's straight. Okay, so I will re-roll this then.

17? Yeah. Yeah, I forget what yours is all the time. Yeah, it's 17, it's 17. We need to get you a shield. Can't you just pull the tombstone down? It's gonna do 12 points of necrotic damage and it lowers your max HP by 12. Oh, fuck. I mean, I'm so sorry.

I can't help you. I'm too far away from you. There's nothing I can do to help. I got hangers out the ass over here. If you're persistent, the ass grows. What kind of damage does it do? Necrotic. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. It's your force, man. Oh, wait. How do I make it go down? Like negative? The net brick is going to save the day. It's a voodoo gun. Take out.

Do you have anything? Dude, do something. Did you actually do anything? No, I-- Just throw your chunk, dude. What do you mean? I'm trying to-- No, I did originally. Yeah. It's Briggsy's turn, right? Yeah, it's Briggsy's turn.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm on the ground, I'm groveling, I look up and everyone's left, I'm in this safe pocket. And I see that all this horrible stuff is happening, these guys are right above me, and now they've swooped away. And I look at my flintlock.

and I say, fucking worthless, and I put it in my sash, and I pull out a bottle of rum from my jacket, and I say, all right, crossroads,

He said I had a crew for eternity! You better fucking pay up! And I light the bottle of rum, and there's this sort of like, you'll see the top of the bottle like glow with this almost neon green light. As my skeletal left hand similarly glows, and you'll smell the smell of hot iron sort of waft through the room. And I reach over...

And I draw with my hand a cross, and about here, a similar neon cross will draw on the ground, and from it, from the ground, you will see a rotting hand emerge as a skeletal crocodile pirate... Hell yeah! ...claws its way from the earth.

It's you, Eddie. Go get him. Go get him. That's my axe. Pirates of the Blue. That's amazing. The fact that you know who he is is the best part. He's going to get him. We got way back. He sort of died when I got my key anyway. It's fine. I love that you named him Eddie. And he looks at me and goes...

And you'll see he doesn't have a hat, but he has a bandana. He has like a puffy white shirt. He has like a red sash with blue linen pants and boots. His eyes are glowing with this sort of magenta and green, neon green fire. As I, let me see here. I need to go to here. I need to go to

Does he also say hog them? So hold on, that was my action. I need to finish my turn. Do we need potions? Didn't she give us potions? I don't have them. I feel like you guys have had potions. I don't know if you've ever had them. I would check your inventory. I do not have a potion, and I'm very good at med equipment. Maybe we use them. I have a greater potion than you. I probably don't want to deal with it.

That's really funny. I would say, I think that's probably right. I know for a fact that Maggie would have each given you at least one greater healing potion. So I'll say for the sake of it, just in case that's the case, you each have one greater healing potion. I'll let it know, yeah. I'll let it know. And so while it's on fire, I'm just like, for favor, I'm going to take a swing of it for my bonus action and heal. Except for Marius. Marius is going to let that.

And then it is Eddie's turn. Marius has a greater poison potion, so if he drinks it, he dies. He has orange-ish, golden, rotting flesh, but his eyes are very sallow. All right, go attack! Go get him! And he's like . He starts to shamble towards Lethka. No, no, no! That's Lethka! No, no, no, no! And he stumbles onto and swipes through her.

Comically missing, but attacking, let's say, more gontho. Okay. I love it. Still fairy-fired? Still fairy-fired? I believe so, yeah. Okay. Advantage, that is a, let me see what my little guy can do. Oh, is this guy fairy-fired? Oh no, he's not fairy-fired. No, no, he did not get hit. Rotting Claw, it is to hit, plus your spell attack, oh wow, so it's plus eight, so it's 20-something to hit.

And then it does, we'll do a skeleton, it's a zombie. Does summon undead? It says something, yeah, fucking. It's four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Ten points of slashing damage. Nice.

We'll say it's like a rusty cutlass that he has. He slashes it. You watch as Eddie shambles forward, slashes through Lethika, you said? No, so this is an illusion. I'm flavoring it like he thought that I wanted him to attack Lethika. He comically swipes through. Yes, so you watch as he...

rushes forward, not realizing who he's supposed to attack, the confusion of the grave still lingering in his mind as he slashes through Lethika's illusory duplicate, but finds purchase in Morgotha herself. And you notice that all of the hags let out a painful,

yell as she takes this damage, and you look between them in this moment, Brigsy, and you're able to see that it appears that all the damage that's been done to Morgotha is shared amongst the coven. Hell yeah! That's pretty cool. That's nice. That's pretty cool. That's nice. Good job, man! You did it! I don't understand. That's my turn. I have a legendary action. Samarius, it's your turn. I am going to do what I do best and make two attacks on Morgotha. Still a fair fire.

That's an 18 plus eight is 26 to hit. Second attack is 26 to hit. Both hit? 20 total points of damage over two attacks. You slice into her rotting flesh and you watch as

bits of flesh fly off and impale themselves on thorny bits of the bow of this tree. They are, all of these hags are looking rough. They have just arisen from their grave and they are already struggling to keep their sentience. That's my turn. And is there lair action? Derek, can I have you roll a d6?

Okay. They do not get their, the Crooked Coven lair action, so they cannot do that. And so, no, that's gonna be it. Oh, is there anyone within five feet of them? Me. They could do this. Eddie, yep. Eddie and Marius. And Lethika's double. And Illusional Lethika.

They cannot combine their powers together to once again rain down the teeth of this crooked tree, but you do watch as all of them begin to sizzle and pop with lightning as lightning whips and rings around them. Anyone within five feet

will take lightning damage at the start and end of their turn for this round. - Oh, holy gosh. - That's just Marius, that sucks. - But that's the lair action, so you don't have to do anything until your action. Jericho, you are able to come too. Similarly, the command just, it just prevents you doing reactions.

You wasted your whole turn. I don't remember if you wasted your turn. Oh, no, actually, you're right. It should. It should prevent your entire turn. You should. You should. You should. I appreciate it. It's the other one that should. So it forgoes. No, I don't. We forgo your turn. It is.

William Van Brunt's turn. He is once again going to keep his eyes on you. He seems determined to win this fight against you. This is the first time in battle that Van Brunt has really had the upper hand and he is using it as he is going to

attempt to slice into you. Is he advantage, disadvantage, or straight? Can you just tell me every turn? - So actually because I have no movement, the miss thing doesn't work. So he would be at a straight. - Straight, okay. - I don't think I'm at. - So both of those attacks, I'd be at 21 is the lowest. And then he's also going to make a bite attack on you, which is a 27. - Did it?

Oh, okay. He's got plus 10 to hit. Oh my god. So for the bite attack, he is going to do a total of two damage. That's necrotic? Yeah, two necrotic damage. Doesn't lower your necroses. Or it doesn't lower your health. That's something else. And then...

Your grim are-- He's chomping on me like $5 rib-nutted sizzlers! And then you're going to take 24 slashing damage as he slashes in two with both of his claws. If I wasn't a barbarian, I'd be jerbo-fucked right now. Someone should help your grim.

I'm gonna do like 25 set of chicken wings. I mean, ahhhh! And that's Van Brunt's turn. Fuck you! You dumb, ugly tree demon! I'll roll the con save first, because I'm in his melee world. 18.

Yep, that passes. And this will be the charisma save to try and attack. 15? That misses. I have fail. That's even with your Bless? Yeah. And Advantage? Bless and Advantage. Are you not recklessly attacking? For charisma? Oh, it's a save and throw. I'm recklessly charismatic! Was that all your actions? I mean, I can't... You have a bonus action, right?

Oh! In the immortal words of Sylvie, drink your potion, dumbass. As I'm flailing around in the tree, I'll reach into my shirt and say...

Who did she say that to? I can't, I think she said it to Rodec. Way back in the day. Way back in the day. That's early. Early days. I don't remember 90% of the things that I say, I'm going to be honest. It was one of our top rated clips on Twitch before the elbowing ending.

- Be the O'Boney. - Be the O'Boney. - Be the O'Boney. - Ham-boney. - Ham-boney. - Ham-bone, ham-bone. - They could write any song. - Excuse me, this is happening. - Your turn, Macy's gone. - It's over. - Oh, you didn't, I'm sorry. - I couldn't do anything. - But you healed. - He's too dang wiggly for me. - Yes, I-- - You have to spin it. - You have to spin it. - Make sure the vortex is on.

That does not look like a potion. Vandress, or Marius, I read Vandress somewhere. Marius, it's your turn. It's the Crooked Coven. Oh no, it's not, 'cause you're not Brig Z's Jorgen. Yes, it's the Crooked Coven's turn. Just Wargontha and Heavens Debatsy need to make saving for this concept. Not Heavens Debatsy! Natural 20 from Wargontha. Oh, but she's a D4.

that she has to sub. Minus three, so 17. Oh, hold on. Oh, it's 16. And then a natural 19 for Heavens to Betsy. Oh, they both pass. Anyway, it really stinks. Damn. He's so, he's festering. It's so disgusting. They are going to look towards Lethika, and one of them

and once again attempt to prevent Lethika from meddling for a while. - Does your duplicate have a stat block, Lethika? - I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. - This is a perfect illusion. - Oh, she's a perfect illusion? - Yeah. - Oh, I'm gonna roll to see if they-- - Right now, there's an Eddie halfway through.

Okay, sure. They know which one you are, though. I need a wisdom saving throw. We're no flipping like Gary's mod over here. It's just a nightmare. I need a wisdom saving throw. Okay, that would be extremely obvious. In other trickery arenas, yeah, it wouldn't be so obvious. Wisdom saving throw, you say? Yes, it's 15. 15. Oh, my lord! Oh!

Oh my god! Yeah, you're fucked. My name is Derek McLaren. And I got a 10. That's crazy. You rolled two. I rolled two ones. I rolled one on the D20 and the one on the D4. Plus eight! I don't need to use these twins. I'm Elizabeth! Oh!

I guess I'm gonna have to make a constitution check. Surely I'll be fine. I'm not proficient! Van Brunt! - Died? - Oh my god! - Your hubris clouds your judgment. You are Derek the Cleric, and you don't need no twists. As the Hag Coven combines their magic together, creating that beautiful

of dream sickness that shoots into your body and you feel as if you can shrug it off, but you cannot as you crumple to the ground unconscious. Do I lose concentration? Yes. Yes. Five shots. Oh no. I'm gonna barf you once I set up here. Oh fuck. It's up to you whether or not

My illusion remains also. No, I would say you're a loot. Well. It's not a concentration thing, but it is something I command. So I feel like it would probably disappear. Yeah, I feel like unconsciousness would get rid of anything like that. Gosh, that hurts. Yeah, that sucks. It's also your turn, though. Oh, fuck it. The spiritual weapon stays, though, right? Yes, that has a duration. I will. What did you have that was concentration? Bless. Bless, so no more defense. Oh!

Thank you for joining my misery. Welcome to the party. Here's a glass of acid. I'll stand.

Jesus Christ, what am I going to do? I'm never hitting this guy. How are you looking? Are you okay? He's horrifically wounded. He's horrifically wounded. Van Brunt is only hurting. Fuck! Fuck this guy! I don't think I can take his popsicle all damn day! I'm going to go over here. I'm going to touch your ass. Cast Cure Wounds.

Third level. Yeah, third level. And that'll be the beginning of my business as it just happens. I'll roll that between turns. And I'll also make a spell attack against... Is this an advantage of Morgotha? Yes. Even though you went unconscious? Oh! Oh no. It should have a little drop of fairy fire. Okay.

That is my fault. 15 to hit, Morgantha. And mine, 'cause I forgot. 15 hits. Okay, thank the goodnesses. And we'll do one of these, and that's cocked. That's gonna be 11 points of force damage to Morgantha from the Spiritual Chakram. And I will roll your hit points as that is the conclusion of my turn.

The hags that are hanging from the bough of the tree look incredibly wounded at this point. You can see bloody ichor dripping from their eyes, from all of their open wounds. They are gasping when they try to quarrel with each other. The words are getting stuck in their throat. They are struggling with every movement.

And that is Lethika's turn. Van Brunt is going to use a lair action to touch a rot on Jorgrym. 16 to hit. 16 misses! I'm going to use a dread. Oh, it was a 16 again, so I'll let that one play out. Bring C. Seeing Eddie doing some work, I'm going to be like, hold on.

Nothing fucking works! Alright Cutlass, let's see what you can do! In my hand, this giant Cutlass will emerge in the memory of the dead crocodile god. Eating at the feast will flash into my brain as I walk up. Can I get that? Yeah, give me that. Now I'm gonna come in with two attacks.

Slice, slice, and I'll attack and a cross. Morgantha? Cloud's first limit breaks. Morgantha? Oh yeah, cross slash, pretty cool. One hits, presumably. 15 is there, I see. Four, cross slash, let's see. And I'm not blessed, right? No. Okay, that is, that's that, and then I will roll damage for that.

5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, sorry, hold on, I'm just like, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 points of...

Damage. Magical slash. You slice into Morgotha and you rend rotting flesh from bone and after all is said and done, the three hags that hang there are completely lifeless, even in undeath. You listen as Kellen lets out a,

a guttural cry of disgust as you see as they begin to shake and the branches begin to consume them. The dark, bloody ichor that drips from their eyes and their wounds sucked up into the branches and it almost gulps it like nectar. Where the three hags had been hanging, they are no more. So did she die, technically?

Yeah, the curtain's up. I heal 11 points! So as the cutlass connects, it'll flash, and it'll sort of draw their animal into my body. Oh, that's not what I feel's going on. And then it's Eddie's turn. Oh, they're all dead! Get him, Eddie! And one, two and a half, three and a half. He's gonna chant, a pirate's life for me! There we go.

He needs to roll a Charisma saving throw. You've never been Viking at that.

18? That passes. Plus, oh, they're very bouncy. Sweet. Bouncy. And then, let me pull up his stat block real quick. I need to find a better way to have his stat block. It is a, again, with a rusty magical cutlass, the rotting claw. He is going to get a 16 plus, oh, eight to hit. That probably hits. Yep. He's going to do, is that a two or a three?

It's a two. Two, three, four, five, six, seven. Eight. Points of slashing. Eddie shambles up and slashes into Van Brunt. He looks down with his crooked smile and seems to be not at all bothered by the damage that he has taken. And he is going to turn towards you again using...

another lair action and he's going to attempt to, actually his final lair action this round, and he's going to attempt to infuse your body with more crooked rot. And it's just straight natural 20. - Oh no. - Natural 20. It's okay, crooked rot can only do that much. - Gotta give it up. - Gotta give it up.

17 points of necrotic damage and it lowers your HP by 17. So the problem here with lowering your max HP is that might turn the tide. And also all the things I can do that can help stop benefiting him very quickly.

Marius. Man, that's kind of cool. This is a nightmare. If only I could get to you. I'm just going to dash. That's all I can do. I don't really have any good bonus actions at the moment.

And they're not clogging up the-- No, you can take them off. They have been consumed by the tree itself. I'm going to get right in this guy's face, but I've used my action to dash. I don't know if I need to make a saving throw or anything along those lines. Oh, yes, you need to make a con saving throw. Oh, and so did Eddie. Eddie needs a con saving throw. Oh. Well, he's immune to necrotic. Yeah, so he doesn't matter. I failed the con saving throw.

You will take a lot of damage, like huge, four points of necrotic damage. My headcanon is this. What's happening over there? This really does hurt more than I thought it would. Oh, he's killing me. Just back out a little bit. With my bonus action. Start hacking at the roots of the boss. Okay, you can go home, you can go home. That's fine. We take the deal.

Oh man. I'm going to attempt to compel it to duel me. Oh. My last level one spell slot. As I rushed it to Jorgren's side, I raise the sword, looking at William Van Brunt and I say, "Face me, you coward, and drop my friend!" And he needs to make a wisdom saving throw. Natural 19.

I'm assuming the DC isn't higher than 19, but. No, it's a 15. It's a 15. It doesn't do anything. Oh, we dread you, actually. You spent 20 twists. 20 twists. And we dread you. I tried. That would actually be cute. Wouldn't it be a fun thing? That would be kind of cute. That's my last. I'll think about it. That's all I can do. I have one spell slot left, a second level spell slot. That's my own turn. Thanks for playing.

I pass. I allow him to succeed.

15's pretty beatable, you know? Yeah, there's not much I can do about it. With the coven gone, there are no more lair actions. And so he's out of legendary, so Jericho, it's your turn. Oh, gosh. Oh, Jericho, Larry. I wasn't expecting this. Gosh. I am going to... Oh, shoot. Oh, man. I don't know why I wasn't ready for this. I am going to...

Is there a saving throw that we want him to be bad at? You have Wisdom about four turns ago. Wisdom's a good catch-all. I am going to walk forward

and say, "We're here with you, Jorgrym! Your friends are at your back! There ain't gonna be no water and no roots today, Billy, except for your own innards!" As I am going to pluck on my banjo, a kind of funeral dirge, as I will flick back my mouth and suddenly I will shriek out, "Give me your secrets!"

And I'm gonna cast Dissonant Whispers. Ooh. On him, that is a wisdom saving throw. Oh, I love Dissonant Whispers. That's great. 16. I'm gonna Legendary Resistance. Oh. And with that, I think nothing happens.

- Hold on. - These hags-- - Oh, half damage, half damage. - These hags aren't humanoids, are they? - There's no fucking way. They're all dead. - No, dude. - So he will take half of this in psychic damage unless he is immune to one, two, three, four, five, what's that, five? Five be six, take half of this. - Oh, nice. - One, five, eight, Jesus, 10, 11, that's like five points of psychic damage.

He takes the damage and yet he still, similar to what you did where you threw your head back and you said this thing to him, he throws his back and laughs and laughs and laughs as he looks down at Marius, or as he looks down at Jorgrym. And it is his turn. He is going to make both of his attacks against Jorgrym. Hold on one sec. He needs to make a saving throw.

I think it's a con saving throw because he really stinks. That's wild. That's fucking wild. What is this for? 16 con save because Eddie just, he's rotting, he's falling off, he smells disgusting.

Oh, I see. He's going to use his last legendary resistance. Because he wants to do this, and I want to do this, and I rolled a two. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, he's festering. So he's going to miss the first hit. He will hit, wait, why am I rolling at advantage?

Am I supposed to be at advantage or disadvantage? I'm gonna re-roll all of these. He actually might be from, I don't know if grapple. No, you haven't done anything, so I'll roll the normal. No, no, no, you can ignore that part of the, that's just when it was like a displacer cloak, so it definitely still works. This is part of his vest, actually. So, have you been hit? I don't think so. I think the only person that's hitting him is Dan Brott. Oh, you necronically bit me.

Oh, that's true. I would have been hit. I'm taking damage. It is at advantage. Did you recklessly attack? No, I didn't get to attack at all. So it's straight. It's straight. It's not disadvantage, it's straight. Okay, so I'm going to re-roll because I've been rolling at advantage. Okay, so the first one will hit. The second one will miss. And then the bite will hit. Pass me the camera over here so I can get a look. The bite is...

10 points of piercing damage. Do you want me to diagonal it for you? So that you can have arms length, but like, if I do this. And then 18 points of piercing for the slash. So 28 points of piercing. We're upside down. That's 14. There's no up or down.

I'm just telling the audience. He looks incredibly wounded. Oh, and he's going to use his bonus action to take you to the farthest corner where nobody is. Son of a gun! I knew that was coming. Is there a sloop over here? I tried so hard, miss. I really did. A sloop?

You hear that, Vanbrunt? Your family rots in the branches while mine rallies! Your coward's flea ends soon! Um... I'll roll con with no bless. Fuck, man! Okay, that's plenty. That's like over 20. And I'll roll charisma with no bless or paladin presence.

Can I use five twists? Yeah, do it. Oh, hold on. I'll use five twists. Cashing in. Nice. Oh, I meant to attack recklessly. I'm going to do it at all mine. But that would hit anyway. Okay, and I'll try a second time. Okay.

Okay, yeah, so both would hit presumably they're over 20. So I will... And I need a con saving throw to see if you take more crooked rot. I rolled con from being in his melee range. Yeah, yeah. This is another con? No, no, no, it's the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I passed. Yeah, it was like over, it was over 12. Cool, cool, cool. You're good. That's the 12th.

That's plus. Pretty good. 28 points of damage as, once again, I keep just jamming the shovel into his clavicle as I strike down a fear. As each blow lands, eruptions of mist will be blasting out of each strike as it lands pointed into his gnarled

- The brutalized Van Brunt stares at you with a look of acceptance. You are grim as the branches and roots of the crooked tree dig deeper into your flesh. With this final blow, you have wrenched the last bits of life from him.

But he is not done. Intertwining with your chains and even snaking into the cracks of your tombstone, one branch tightens even more around your neck like an enormous noose and the air leaves you. As your friends watch around you, Van Brunt leans in close. I am glad we can serve together.

The branches of the crooked tree shudder and move apart with terrible speed and even more horrible strength, and the rest of you see both William Van Brunt and Jörgrim get ripped apart, the clan stone breaking into hundreds of fragments as the cold iron chains snap. Blood and viscera rain down over the entire chamber and hangs amongst the branches.

In an instant, the soil around you is drenched in blood and the crooked tree drinks deep. The black sap of the tree turns to thick, deep red as Farryn drinks as deeply as the tree that she is fastened to. With a terrible shudder, Farryn gives out what sounds like a death rattle as her eyes open, but they are yellow and wide with malice. She opens her mouth, now filled with putrid, crooked teeth, and the face of the tree does the same, a shimmering deep green portal within.

She speaks with Farron's voice. A vessel worthy of the Crooked Queen. I'm going home. Gorthos will suffer as I have suffered.

In another stunningly swift motion that should not be capable of a tree, the trunk leans forward and the terrible face upon its dark bark swallows what once had been Farron. With that final chomp, the entire chamber groans as the tree shifts and changes, its boughs and branches roiling and shifting. The gnarled barrier slithers away and crumbles into splinters, revealing the hollow that imprisons Adela. It creaks as it shrinks, and Adela begins to scream in pain.

You each have a moment. I was the closest to it. I'm going to sprint up to see what's left of your... No, no, no, no. I'm sprinting over there. Pagodella. No offense. I sprint to your room.

I mean, he's everywhere. I think he's in the trees. He's in the trees. He's in like a body. There's literally nothing left. Do I get the scent that if I use shatter, I might be able to break some of the bark to help like, if someone's close to the tree to help save Adela? Yes.

You imagine you do. I'll be absolutely stunned and just wordlessly just looking up at Jorgrem and then staring down at Adela. I say nothing as I just do a strum on my banjo and there's a massive cacophonous cry of a demonic crow that bursts and will do extra damage to non-creature things. I think at the same time, my spiritual chakram will have

flown forward and I'm trying to hit the tops of the bars and almost buzzsaw through if I can. At the same moment that this shatter occurs, I am endeavoring to separate the bars from the roof of this cage. - You do that. - The moment that there is an opening,

I would attempt to move forward and grab Adela and get her out of the tree. But the meanwhile, my eyes are wide with shock and all I can say is, no, no, no, it wasn't supposed to be like this. No, Adela, we're coming. He was just here. He was, he was, he was, and I'm like, I'm going to get on the ground. And like, I just saw him.

all wrapped up with dilly, right? And then just everywhere. And I'll pick up like chunks of tombstone and chunks of like, I don't know, flesh or claw. I don't know what's left. - You just barely save Adela Druskinvold from the fate of being crushed within the hollow of the shifting tree before you. She's unconscious from the terrible experience she just underwent. And you realize that quiet has finally returned to the chamber.

Farron is nowhere to be seen, nor are the mangled remains of Van Brunt and Jorgrim. You notice a faint glow of spectral blue on the ground that emanates from the lantern that had belonged to the gravedigger. It grows and grows until a blue spectral shape of Jorgrim himself stands before you. His spirit looks to all of you and begins to speak. My pilgrimage is at its end. Jorri! Is that you? I failed.

The maiden. I failed my clan. No, no, no. And worst, I failed you. No, you didn't, were you? Please, perform my rites. No, no, no, we can fix this. Hold on. I failed one piece. Hold on. With the last words of the fallen shaman known as Jorgrim, his specter shimmers and fades into gray mist, a small draft whipping down from above to disperse it.

As your grim shade leaves, you see what remains in this chamber. A tree still stands, dark as midnight, its branches rising like twisted antlers. And at the base of its withered trunk, twisted in agony and weeping tears of black sap, now embedded in the bark, is the face of Farron of the Heartsplained. And that is where we'll end tonight's session. Fuck. Fuck. Okay.

Great session, Mickey. Nice to run the session, Mickey. Really great session. Oh my god. Well, I'm depressed. We're not done. Congratulations. You killed William Van Brunt. Killed the map. Killed the fucking map. William Van Brunt is dead, and he ain't coming back. I'm going to take that as a sign that this is an absolute win. Holy shit.

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