Side Stories: Free Joey!
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Hi. Did you know that you can watch Last Podcast on the Left and Side Stories on our Patreon right now? Yes, that's patreon.com slash lastpodcastsontheleft. But over on TikTok, you can see the hottest, tightest, funniest clips from the show right there. It's TikTok. TikTok.com.

It's at LP on the left. It's the same as our Instagram. You already follow the Instagram. Why don't you go follow TikTok? But it's on TikTok. Yeah, because... Is... Believe it. Yep. So just go check it out. Watch it. Go send our podcast to China. I love TikTok the crocodile. It's my favorite TikTok. It's the only one he knows.

There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Oh, yeah! Yes!

Oh, God. Do you know that Jesus Christ died on the crucifix with an erection? I imagine. Why not? I didn't know that. I didn't know that that was an actual inevitability of being on a crucifix. Did you know that? See, he... So he died for our sins while committing one. No, no, no, no, no. Erections are sins. Well, unless it's going inside of a dude's butt.

Oh, okay. If it's going inside of the beautiful Virgin Mary, it's like between her boobies. His mother? Oh, yeah. Wait. Mary Magdalene was his hot piece. Yeah, that was his side piece. That was his wife, if he was real. Yeah. Right? He put kids in her. Two redheads. Yeah, that's what they're saying. Do you know that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Gingers. It came from Jesus Christ himself. Really? But according to scholars. So you think that you're part Christ? Every day. Every day.

I wake up and I thank me for me. I thank me for being around, being great, and the gifts I bring. So the last thing Christ did was come? Apparently, this is real. There are actual scholars that have entire schools of thought about the depiction of Jesus Christ. And there's been many legit depictions of Jesus Christ. Oh.

on the crucifix with a full-on raging nine-incher. Talk about a coming-to-Jesus moment. Come on. Welcome to Side Stories. My name's Henry Zabrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. I am hard as Christ. Hard as Christ out here. They say a lot. It's very interesting. I was reading the story. So we'll start before we get any physical opens. I'll start with this. So Baramos or Baramos, he had a hard-on too?

The other guy, right? One of the two crooks. Yeah, but no one cared about his wieners. Nobody cared about the other two guys. They didn't care about it. No one checked their wieners? No, because apparently that's how you find out if they were actually dead on the crucifix. You have to go up and go boing, boing, boing, boing. Like it's a diving board. That's how I found out my dad was passed.

Boing, boing, boing, boing. Hard as a corpse. I love seeing them hard as Christ. That's how you know they're safely in heaven. But no, these guys are... How else do you think he moved that boulder? Boing, boing, boing. But it's

apparently completely true. This guy, I'll just jump into this because it's my favorite story of the week, but then we'll cover, we'll go back and do updates. This guy, this fucking horny priest who honestly love him to death. Father Thomas McHale. This was, you know, the

Christ was hard when he died. Let me tell you something. Welcome to today's sermon. As a matter of fact, many depictions of Christ on the cross are incorrect because they don't include the humdinger.

But yeah, this guy's a fucking creepist. He I love him. He worked. He's an American assigned to this is in the UK. So I like it. We brought chaos to England. I'm glad we did. Yeah. He was assigned to this church called the Our Blessed Lady Immaculate in Black Hill. He was there for a decade. Apparently they're fine with it. But he said that he basically gave this whole long speech about.

in his sermon about how Jesus Christ definitely would have died with an erection. The church was shocked, right? Everyone was like, what in the living fuck that you're talking about it? And he then doubles down. He's like, no, you don't understand. When you asphyxiate to death, you have an erection and then you piss and then you shit and then you come and

And they're all like, in that order? When do I die? You know, when's my turn? Sounds fun. Oh, man, we should change the name of erections from Boners to Inrees.

Nailed right in. Yeah. Can't get out. He can't get out even if he wanted to. As hard as the cross, I was nailed on. Yeah, bring Mary closer. Bring her closer. I'm stuck here. You got to bring her to the dong. But no, this is apparently a cause the blood does rush down to your body. And so the way you die on a crucifix is bad.

Right. Yeah. Because it goes down to your feet. A lot of times you're nailed. Right. So Jesus was specifically nailed. Most times the other guys are tied. You're tied. Most of the time if you're crucified, you are tied. But you're pretty sure Paul or Peter, the apostle, was crucified upside down. Yeah. Which is fucking bad. Very Pantera of the Italians.

And so he, when Jesus died, apparently the way you die on a cross is that you asphyxiate if your arms are above your lungs like this. And the only way to do is you have to raise yourself above this lateral position where you can breathe again. This makes it very, very difficult to breathe. Nevermind the blood loss that comes from being most of the time being stabbed a bunch in the sides. You have to raise yourself above this lateral position where you can breathe again.

You seep out. But then also as you die, which is why they say there's an apocryphal term about how when they pierced Jesus' side, blood and water came out. But there are some theologians that point to the fact that that is actually an accurate description of the fluids that come out of a stagnating corpse. Okay. Like literally some blood. Like the blood isn't coagulated, but there's like blood and plasma coming out of him in one go. Yeah. There's like a clear liquid and a red liquid. Okay.

Obviously, I'm incorrect. Sidestories, L-P-O-T-L-E-G-M-A-I-L.com. Tell me why I'm wrong. But apparently also, you're up there, the blood swells all the way down. And I don't know if you're like this. When I get sleepy, sometimes I get horny. Okay, yeah. And apparently that's the idea, is that if you choke, right, when you're masturbating, it's supposed to be great. Yeah, never done it. People love it. Yeah.

I'm already masturbating in fear half the time anyway. Oh, of course. It's just from our wives. We're trying to keep it safe and secret from our families. But apparently it rushes down. So I get sleepy and sometimes I go, oh no, it's bad enough.

It's bad in a plane. Yeah. Nothing's like waking up... With a boner in a plane? Dead asleep from a plane. Oh, you can get serious trouble. That's happened to me. You can get real trouble for a boner on a plane. That's where you put a blanket... Especially if you sit next to a lady. Oh, yeah. Blanket on the thing. But honestly, sometimes if it's just like some cryptic old man, too, because he's like, I remember erections. The last one I got was in the quick Gulf War. You remember the quick one? You know what else bothers me about the Jesus thing? Except for the fact that it probably wasn't real. The...

They say he died for three days and he came back to life. Yep. So if he dies on Friday and he sleeps on Saturday and he wakes up on Sunday, that's two days. Yeah, dude. No, I know. That's two days. It's three days in hotel terms. They're acting as if when he went into the crypt, it was like he was staying at a Marriott.

Because you would need to pay for the night. That night would count. But no, no, technically not. That always bothered me because he probably died like late on Friday. That was a late check-in. Yeah, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, no. He might have checked in after midnight. He might have died on Saturday. Yeah, so technically that's a two-day turnaround. It's an allegorical. It's allegorical. It's about the sun cycles. Yeah, and it's not like they fucking crucified him in the morning. He had to walk all the way up the fucking hill. No. Carrying the cross. That shit takes forever. They're whipping him.

whipping him. They're fucking showing his face and stuff. Fucking awesome, dude. Him going like, you can't kill me. Remember Shaft? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With Samuel L. Jackson? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. You can't kill me. He starts stabbing himself and shit. Yeah, I love that guy. Love that guy. Oh, yeah. Jesus should have done that, dude. Yeah, yeah. He was the Jesus. He, I believe,

No. The Jesus from Big Lebowski. That's Big Lebowski. But same character. But it is kind of insane that I love that this came from Jeffrey Wright. Yes, who's a great actor. I still have to see American Fiction. It's supposed to be great. It's pretty good. But according to PremierChristianity.com, which I do love that it's included, because there's a lot of guys that are hardliners on this, talking about how it's a

It's a key to understanding the plight of Jesus Christ because Jesus Christ was not only murdered and martyred, murdered, martyred, but he also was fucking with blue balls. No, opposite. Died with empty balls, which is considered a public humiliation. Do you think you come after you die or do you come before? According to this. So then he didn't. So he died with blue balls then.

I don't know if I think if you come, the blue balls are gone no matter when it was. But it's out. No, but you're dead. But you didn't die of the blue balls. No, certainly not. No, but I didn't know. I didn't really know this. I was surprised as many at how many die accidentally through suffocation as a means of sexual gratification. This is according to premierchristianity.com. It happens. This strange philosophical

Physiological. What happened to you? Did you die of suffocation? Henry's currently choking himself. Sorry, I have a heart on him about to die. This strange physiological reaction was the final shame of a crucified man. Erection and ejaculation due to the slow suffocation. Which is, I mean, I don't know how many of our people out there are kind of electively in a fun way crucifying themselves. And if they are, show us your rig. Because I'd love to know how you're doing it and getting off of it.

Yeah. If you have a crucifix for sexual purposes at home, I want to get to know you. I imagine it's probably leaned up against the fridge. I mean, I don't know how a lot of people... If you've got a one-bedroom apartment, where does it go? Yeah, you'd have to lean it up against... Under the futon. Yeah. I would put the crucifix under the futon, and then you take it out when it's time for sexy times, and someone could be the Pontius, and you get to be baby Jesus Christ. Oh, man. I wonder what my neighbors would say if I put a crucifix in my backyard. They'd be like...

You just go, soon. Every time he goes, soon. Don't worry, it's for me. Yeah, I like this. It's free. It's got a threat. It's for me. My wife is going to watch me slowly suffocate, and then I'm going to come in my dolphin shorts. We'll let you know so you know to shut the blinds.

Oh, sorry. I told you on Eastern time. Sorry. I didn't see my writhing shit filled corpse. No. Yeah. Cause that's the thing is that you do pee and you do poop. So if Jesus, which I do believe if he was truly man, God made man, he would also would have defecated and pissed. But wasn't he more than man? No, that was the whole idea. That's why he could be killed.

But he did miracles. He walked on water. Through the power of God. He could do not. He could harness the power of God. He was not directly magical. I don't know. Actually, I might be wrong on that. He's a wizard, for sure. I know he's a wizard, yes. He's a dirty desert wizard full of bugs, love-sucking dick.

I think he's pansexual if he was real. You know he fucking reeked. Oh, buddy. Yeah. Can you imagine him? Not only just, not just his own personal smell, but the smell of the laps and the butts of all of the disciples. Yeah, he's just hanging out with lepers all goddamn day. Smashed all over him, just like his dirty ass feet and his weird gross hair. Yeah, gross stuff. Bad stuff. All he does is hand out fish.

all day and where is he keeping it yeah yeah it's a trick but it's mostly just because he's got it well that's a fun story I just didn't know how hard that guys like went in on this and it's a whole school of thought yeah I thought that the pictorial of Jesus with an erection on the crucifix and I just fucking love my job and the fact that I come to work every day and I learn new things yeah yeah do

Do you know, I gotta tell you about this. Penn and Teller, Penn, he told me that Robin Williams, that's how he died. He killed himself by accident when he was autoerotic asphyxiating. And I'm like, I just met you. Why are you telling me this? A lot of theories out there. You know, at first I was like, should I even tell this story? But he told me a stranger. Yes. So...

But that's not true, I don't think. I don't think it's true. I don't think it's true. He was killed by the CIA. Yeah, no. Robin Williams, he committed suicide when he hung himself from a doorknob. And you never know how short these actors are in real life. Yeah, honestly, it's a movie magic. Yeah. Do you know that Ian McKellen is not nine feet tall? I didn't. It's crazy. You know, it is sad what happened to Robin Williams. Honestly, it's probably one of the most sad things ever. Yeah, I know. A top...

Three. Yeah. For sure. When you know a clown, the clown that entertained everyone, literally all walks of life across all languages. One of the most, the one thing that the world could agree on, we love Robin Williams. And that guy was so sad he had to off himself. And it does, yeah, it gets in here.

Yeah, I think about it like once a week. You know, they wish for the genie's freedom, but they should have wished for him to not have Parkinson's. More specific about the freedom. Yeah. They should have been super, super specific. He was free, but stuck in a prison that was his own mind. You really? Honestly, I'm extremely saddened.

That's extremely sad. It's very sad. Stop showing pictures, Rob, of smiling Robin Williams. I can't tell if he's smiling or crying in that picture. He's just showing all of these just smiling Robin Williams pictures. We know. He really was one of my heroes. Yes, he really was. I make horrible jokes, but he really is one of the greatest of all time. You're right, Eddie. That's not a controversial statement. It's Robin Williams, probably one of the most beloved people of all time. It's never the bad ones. It's always...

always the good ones. Bad people die. People just say it's always the good ones when good ones die. Yeah, I know. But bad ones die. Bad ones... Robert Durst just died. Yeah, but he died at like 90. He lived a whole... He died the second he got into jail. He did not get to experience a single

bit of his punishment. Nothing. He was free. And then he did his favorite thing. Testifying in court was his favorite thing he ever got to do. He got to live his dream and be finally caught. That's all he wanted. Yeah, he got to kill his wife and no one ever called him. All of it. He got entirely away with it. Essentially. Yeah. Well, you know.

Only the good die young. All right. And then I'm going to go into updates. Let me do some updates. Updates. And then I got some other terrible, terrible news. Great.

so this story we are going to cover in detail probably on last podcast on the left we're waiting for the proper sources because that's what we like you know i mean like we want something thick that we kind of base our story on we can add to yeah it's too new now it's too new but rex hewerman the suspect in the gilgo beach killings also known as lisk the long island serial killer oh um so on july 13th 2023 rex hewerman who's an

Architect. It's a little under a year. A little under a year. He made a lot of money as an architect. He was actually kind of featured in some news features talking about Manhattan architecture. One thing about Rex Huberman. Oh.

All face. Yeah. He's got the biggest amount of face. 60 pound head. That is a big old mean mug. Two basketballs getting mad at each other, just bouncing off each other's. Big old head. And then one thing that is truly remarkable is the fact that he was in the middle of a entire neighborhood of police officers that he kind of operated in and out of.

anonymously for years. Now we're starting to see that as the evidence is coming forward, there is a lot more... More people are starting to get... They're like, this person was killed by him. A lot of shit is getting attached to him. So he was already... He is accused of four murders of sex workers that he would...

get in contact with, he would murder them in various different operations, different MOs. But his obvious favorite thing was dismemberment. And he had a sort of a, he definitely was a process killer and he would bury them along this, the beach and long Island. And now this guy, he is now being accused of two more murders that are coming out of this gigantic info sweep that came out of his home. He had over 350 electronic devices, uh,

in his home. Laptops, iPhones, iPads, all the different, it's like all the styles. Really? Like smartphones, pads, fucking monitor, like what's it, full-on desktop computers, all of this crazy shit. He had had this deep, deep, deep personal like fantasy life where inside of these computers they found countless torture porn videos

Extreme, extreme BDSM. I believe he did have a wife and kids.

Yes, he was married to Asa Ellerup and they've been married. They were married for 27 years on nines. I don't think they're going to be together for very much longer. He's not convicted yet though, right? No, he is still accused. He is still innocent until proven guilty, but it ain't looking good. The main thing that they found on the computer, what they're calling a planning document. Now, this is one of those things that I don't understand why.

Killers do this. So he wrote a document where he put very things that a bunch of things that are extremely suspicious. Yeah. They found it deleted, but then they reassured. Nothing's ever nothing on your laptop. Nothing's ever deleted. They can pull it all off. So on this document, it said it had four columns. One said problems. Once it supplies, one said D S that they believe means drop site. And one says DS.

TRG, which they believe means target. Now on the problems, you see a list of what are extremely suspicious group of situations that he is like, if you're not murdering people and you're not like developing a new clue based board game, like this is extremely suspicious to have on your laptop, especially after you've been accused of multiple, multiple murders. So according to here on his problems were DNA, right?

Tire marks, bloodstains, fingerprints, monoplastic bags, cat litter, witness. Cat litter? He said because he had cats. Trace source of supplies.

Foot shoe prints, photos, misleaders, police stop, truck stuck, fingerprints in gloves, plastic bags matched to box hair and fiber. So those are the things that he knows that they're going to look for. What's actually one of the number one things that they got on him right now, which is fibers from his head that have were found in the corpse. Right. Then there's supplies. So he said booties.

Lye slash acid. Very suspicious. Yes. Police scanner. Rope. Cord. Saw. Cutting tools. Hair nets. Photo film. Burn can. Foam drain cleaner. Body wash and wipes. Tarps. Medical gloves. Bags. Tape. Large electric clips. Ratched...

Ratched cargo strap. This is starting to sound suspicious. Yeah, I know. It just sounds like, I kind of like, I love the idea of going into like Home Depot. And you ever do that where you're like, if you're shopping in one of those places and I'm kind of, I like to throw something in that looks super suspicious. Yeah. While I go, like, it'd be fun to do. Like, I've always liked the idea of buying like, you know, a plunger, a big bunch of like, you know, like veterinarian lube.

Oh, yeah. You know, like peanut butter, marshmallows. Like, that'd be fun. Yeah, no, we always had to do that when we were in Murderfest. You just, like, go buy K-Rose syrup, food dye, condoms, you know, all that fun stuff. Oh, yes. Now, according to drop sites...

He's labeling where they found chunks of the bodies, essentially. And then the targets, they believe that T1, Megan, is one of the victims that they've already attached to him. Now, this is extremely damning. We have no idea where, you know, they're obviously, he's got a defense. They are going to, we're not in the trial yet. So I don't normally cover these types of things until we get to the trial. But this is just...

such insane evidence and the discovery of their face. If they glued the leather on his face, he is a very, very scary man. And you can kind of just see him huffing and puffing and being the world's worst John ever. Like, but it's also very different than a lot of serial killers in general because he is successful.

like he is God, he's got a career. He's got like a lot of times you don't see that a lot of times. Like, yeah, they'll have like a, a wife or they'll have kids. They'll have something that quote unquote, like is a pinion to normal life, but not something like this. He was very well established as a Manhattanite. A lot of people knew him. They made a lot of connections and now everybody's cutting them loose. Wow. Oh yeah. I mean, you have to, he's got that. I hate that high haircut too. Well, yeah, I don't know. That's a wig. Yo,

Yo, you think it's a wig? Can you wear your toupee in a prison? I don't know. Talk about the final embarrassment. I don't think it's a wig. I don't think it's a wig. Yeah, no, he's got like, you know what it is? He's so worried about his hair fibers. He looks like Kingpin in a wig.

Like he looks like, he looks like a super villain or like he's pretending to be a little boy. Like if you gave him a big hat, like a big yellow, like Dutch hat and a big lollipop, he would look like a weird, like Lord Fauntleroy mixed with Tom Sizemore. He's truly terrifying. Yeah. I don't like him. He is a scary, scary, like, like,

If I just saw him without hearing or knowing of these crimes, I'd be like, that guy, he's smashed someone's head in. He's a bad boss, dude. Yeah. He's a bad boss, but he is, you know, the wheels of justice all moving swiftly. And he did have three children. And they do, unfortunately, I am looking at his children. Do they look like him? They all got big face tattoos.

Unfortunately, they all have big face disease, but that's not their problem. It's not their fault. It's not their fault. But it is their responsibility. Yes, thank you. And they might need to get some minimizing tape for their heads, which is an incredible new thing that I've been using for years. Fucking hack killers. Make your head smaller using tape.

It's much easier to do. Pull it back. I mean, you got a tiny head too. It's really working. How do you think I got here? Yeah. All right. Do you think this is fucking, you think the head this tiny is made by my mama? No, she had a big old pussy. Yeah. Plenty of room for my head to grow in. Exactly. As far as I know, as far as according to my father. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, I get out there, you can't.

He does say that all the time. It's kind of crazy. She's been like, dad, Hey, listen, this is my sister's wedding. There's no reason to talk about the inches. Mom's got, it's a nice day. We've rented a DJ man. Uh,

But no, it is bad. And yeah, I feel for the children. I feel for his children. Absolutely. Because it's very complicated being the son of a serial killer. I could only imagine. I mean, technically accused. Would you rather be related to a serial killer or a spree shooter?

Well, what's their reach? I think serial killer. If it's a serial killer with a movie, that's cool. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sadly. But that would be cool. Yeah, spree killers, there's nothing cool about them. I thought it would be kind of like, yeah. They're lame. They're lame. Yeah, they're boring. They're pussies. I think serial killers are also lame and stupid. Well, yes, for sure. But if I was going to choose one, yeah, it'd be a serial killer. But at least they're like artistic. Well, they got a dream.

Yeah. And I think that's, you can't take that away from anybody. No matter what the dream is. Because the dream, it could be kind of dark, it could be kind of light, but either way, it's what keeps you going. And yeah, he might want to be a serial killer, but he might end up a lawyer, CEO. Yeah. Fucking accountant. You never know. You never know. It's a lot of skill sets. Those are the three jobs though. Yes.

For that style of brain damage. All right. So that's the big update. I'm going to cover this updates. We have a lot of Armin Mivas stuff that we're going to cover this week, which I am excited about. And then we're going into a huge series on Lost Podcast and Left Right After, which is very exciting because I really want to learn about this. It's going to be good. You ever trade shots with a merchant marine? You ever just spend all night just sitting there?

You and your best buddies talking about how one day this whole town's going to be bent over and screaming for you.

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And, um, all right, well, here's my big news of the day. We just found this right before. You okay? Oh, no. Oh, no. This is, this is hard for Henry to deal with. Do you need the Heimlich? Did you drink your tea too fast? I'm fine. That's a noise that we're definitely going to be hearing this year at the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. Yes. Because Joey Chestnut was just banned.

He was just the greatest. Rob is literally stunned. The greatest champion. Yeah, dude. Of in American history. Yeah. All right. Like the greatest. I view him as the last good American hero. 16 straight championships. That's huge. Never been done. Any sport. But look this up. But look at why. You know why? Because he's now endorsed.

by impossible meat and so nathan said you go fuck i can't believe this you can't enjoy you can't support impossible meat we're nathan's you're out you know they're they kicked out i know i know i believe that in one way getting rid of my jersey i know he is he has a chestnut jersey from nathan's and he's gonna burn it and it's gonna burn for several days

I'm never getting Nathan. I'm back on Hebrew National. I know. Fuck you, Nathans. You treat a champion like this? As much as I'm emotionally. He gave his life to you. I'm emotionally affected. He took this back from the Japanese. Japanese, right? Yes. Yeah, I think so. Yes, that guy. Kobayashi. Kobayashi. Yes. Now, Eddie, I will put a little bit of sense in here. Okay. So, yes, I am the same as you. I am bereft.

I don't know why in the living fuck I would watch July 4th. I don't know why I'm celebrating it. Yeah. Without him there. At least I get to sleep in now. Yeah. But at the same time, it is their competition. All right. Nathan's, they want their competition. But I think that I do understand it's a private competition. They want them out of it because they don't understand. But I think that we're looking at here is and this might be to some people, I think

Only a small percentage of very stupid people will say that this is too far. But I think we're looking at a Jackie Robinson moment for Joey Chestnut here. He's about to become the Jackie Robinson of Impossible Meat, which is that he could very possibly arrive to the Nathan's competition with a hundred impossible hot dogs. A hundred, buddy. No. I'm asking our people if we could get together

And do the 10,000 man march on the Nathan's hot dog competition. It's called the walk to impossibility. It's because of the count. Yep.

You need a lot of rascals. A lot of rascals. But we come in from all states. Yeah. And we arrive much like how George Washington fooled the British alone. Joey Chestnut, we can flip the whole thing from the inside out by taking it by storm. Put a wig on him.

Lady Chestnut. Yeah. Oh, will you refuse a lady? Josephine Chestnut. Oh, I guess you're too good for a lady. That's what we'll say. And then we'll get him in the short hairs, guys. This is the thing. This is some of the biggest sports news I've ever fucking heard. Yeah, dude. This is the biggest thing since OJ Simpson switched careers. Yeah.

You know, that one fateful night. When he became an actor? Yeah. This is having fun with it. Joey Chestnut is an American hero and he will not be left out. I think that we are going to be surprised how this turns out. We're going to watch Nathan's blink. I'm calling it now. We're going to watch him blink because we, as the people, are going to stand up for our boy. Yeah. And I'll tell you what, I'm going to say it right now.

The clams suck. What? Nathan's. Fuck their fried clams. They like to say they got good fried clams? They don't. They got shitty fried clams. Why the living fuck? Fuck you, Nathan's. Eddie.

Why in the living fuck are you eating Nathan's fried clams? I'm not. I don't. I have. That is the worst thing I've ever heard. When you're in Coney Island, you're supposed to eat clams. Everybody knows this. You never eat seafood out of Coney Island. It's filled with common heroin. Oh, you got to get the raw clams at Ruby's? Raw clams at Coney Island? What am I asking for hepatitis C for a clam? I ain't got it. I've got at least 200 in me.

That's bad, dude. It's because you got four stomachs. I'm ready to go. Do you have four stomachs? Four hearts. And the best part about Eddie, he can lose three hearts and still go just like a bow and seven through seven. That's what's incredible about him. He doesn't need all four hearts to operate. This fucking champion has been fucked. I know. I'm angry too. I'm angry and I hope that we can fix this

With violence. Yeah. I hope that we can fix this. I don't want us to be, I don't want this to be peaceably organized. I don't want to go, I don't want to negotiate with Nathan's. No. I think it's time for our January 6th. I think it's our time for July 4th is our time.

our Independence Day. Also, fuck you, Nathan, for making me stand up for Impossible Meat. Yeah, that's also, I'm not going to even put that, be like, now you've put me in this position. I am not pro-Impossible Beef necessarily. I'm pro-Joey Chestnut. Yeah, and I go where he goes. I do what Joey Chestnut does, except I am still a little weirded out by the Impossible Meat. It does make me a little worried. I don't know what the fuck it is. But at the same time, I support Joey Chestnut. I know a lot of people have a lot of opinions about plant-based

Like protein string beef. I don't know what it is. I know. I actually think it's probably going to be better for us in the long term to eat bugs instead of the protein strings. It's making a lot of people upset. It's an unpopular opinion. But, you know, there's lots of bugs. There's a lot of bugs. And if we don't eat them, they're going to take over. Have you ever eaten cricket?

Never. It's very good. You've never had any bugs? You've had mealworms? You've had beet? Shrimp. Crawfish. That's not bugs. Kind of like bugs. Nah. They get too much meat. A real crunchy ass bug. Like a caterpillar's good. What bug have you ate? I've had crickets and I've had caterpillars. And you like them? Yeah. They taste like nuts. You really? Yeah. It's a cricket, but you just eat the whole cricket? They don't like take its guts out or anything? I don't know.

I don't know how they prepare it. You eat its brains and shit? You eat its head? I eat whatever's there. Is it chocolate covered? Yeah. Oh, that's nice. It's tastier that way. Yeah. I would try cricket. I'm not against it. We'll get you some. We should order some for the studio. They're making, I know they make burgers out of flies now. You see, but I feel like I'm anti-fly. Yeah. I don't want to eat fly. I want some certain type of fly. Skeeters. Eat skeeters. I've never seen an elephant fly. All right, let's go to this next one.

We're with you, Joey. We're with you, Joey. We're here and we're providing the army. Yeah. We're coming right by. Don't you worry. You have my sword. Light the towers of Rohan. All right, here we go. I'm sending some Russians to piss on...

The front steps of Nathan's. We're already doing it. Don't worry about it. I'm just claiming responsibility. Yes, you're like ISIS. Please, I'm much better. I'm more like NISIS. And I remember in Brooklyn, they also have Italian ISIS. Yes, it's anytunes.com, everybody. He's been ready for that. Oh, my God. All right, here we go.

Actually, I do have another update. We did cover this guy a long time ago, a Louisiana man. I think that's going a bit far, calling him a man. But Rutledge Deus, 31, this guy, we covered him when this first happened. He was given five years probation. Oh, this guy. This is such a crazy fucking story. This fucking charming guy. What this guy did was that he liked to fake sex.

a mentally handicapped man, you'd get female caregivers to come over and clean his soiled diapers, right? And for his own arousal. So people come over, they would, he'd be like, goo-goo-ga-ga,

I need you to sort of, like, handle my butthole situation here. And they'll be like, okay, baby man, you kind of talk more adult than I thought you would. And he's like, goo-goo-ga-ga, make big mess. I'm going to need you to handle this brown, right? Yeah. And so they go and they wipe. They go to release the Kraken, right? Which normally, because...

I haven't changed I don't change diapers I've never changed a diaper and I'm trying my best to get through my entire life without changing one you're gonna change one of mine right so this is how you change diaper if you guys don't know I have wiped an ass yeah when couple yeah well it's a you know my father towards the end of his life I don't hear a joke there already no there's no joke so

So you put your legs up like this, right? And you can't see it at home, but this is the proper thing. So normally, if you're a Goo Goo Gaga baby person, and let's say you are literally actually...

mentally handicapped enough that you would need a diaper. I imagine you'd be in some kind of facility. These guys are saying that he's like, no, no, I'm in an alternative therapy. I need you to come to my house. And so he cons these people mostly, but they're all women. They come over, he's in the position and that changed me, changed me position with his ankles up in the air. Right. And then she goes to go get at that poop. Right. And the first thing that she sees is a, uh, Jesus like position.

What do you mean? Like on a cross? Crazy humdinger. Huge ass fucking erection. Yeah, he loves it. And they'll be like, ew, you know, because normally they don't react like that. Yeah. Diapers aren't really made for erections because they're for babies and old people. Diapers aren't built for erections? I don't think so. Old people have erections. Not a lot. You mean to tell me there's no sex performance diaper?

I don't think there is. Because people have loose booties, but they don't necessarily like... Loose bootie. Loose bootie. But like people get loose booty, but they don't fucking necessarily like have to be old to have loose booty. I imagine if you got an erection in a diaper, I could be wrong, but wouldn't it just stretch out the legs and then the pee would just leak out?

This guy does look like a dildo covered in scabs. I'm not looking it up. That's for certain. I'm not looking any of this up. And so to bring the story back around, now he named himself Corey, which I think is the saddest name for somebody with a mentally handicapped. I don't know why. But so he almost made it through his probation. He made it all the way to 2024. He was sentenced in 2019. He made it all the way to 2024. And

And he fell back on the back on the wagon, dude. He fell off the way back off the wagon. He fell off the wagon. He is not doing well. He did go and he reached out to a bunch of people, said, hey, come. He's, you know, texted Google Gaga, me a baby. We need milk. Where's my mommy? Right. And they were like, hey, you know, it's weird. How'd you get a phone plan?

You know, he's like, Google Gaga, me went to Verizon. Misa got a new iPhone with my wonderful credit. And yeah, come Google Gaga, need to be big changings.

Now, mommy, mommy, please. And she's just like, all right, I guess if you're paying me, but I don't know if that's how that works necessarily. I think most of the time they want to be verified, but he got scooped up immediately. Now the thing, the guy is covered in scabs. Didn't he get away with it for a while? I mean, for a while, because it was hard. Because what you find out is that one person's experience doesn't necessarily like

Yeah, sure. You meet a lot of fucking weirdos. And I'm certain that in-home care people unfortunately run into their more than their fair share of weirdos. And he was pretending to be mentally challenged. Yeah. Like a big baby guy.

he was saying goo goo gaga can you come over here um you know my diapy is full and i'm scared of the rain oh my god so he was going by cory when he got caught and then he got caught again using the name rory frank unavailable what the fuck is wrong with this guy yeah hi it's me yeah no i'm not cory i'm

Rory, yeah. Yeah, just so you know, goo-goo-ga-ga, hey, yeah, it's me, big baby Rory. Just gonna say, uh, looking for a temporary afternoon, mommy. Especially one without a daddy.

This guy, they should make him get tattooed on his ass. If you're changing my diaper, call the cops. Yeah, exactly. If you see this, you've just got crimes. It's too late. What if he got too late tattooed above his dick? It's just been like, God damn it. He's like, got you.

Man, they love showing pictures of his fucked up face. He is gross. Yeah, he definitely. He's disgusting. He's picking out his scabs. Yeah, he's kind of funny. I guess you wouldn't expect him. They never look like Jared Leto. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you never see one of these guys and you're ever like, that's a handsome guy. Or like, oh, what's wrong with him? He is exactly who you'd, if you'd asked me to draw a picture.

Of who you think this guy is. You would draw this guy. He would look like that. He has that, because you know what it is? It's very similar to Herb Baumeister.

Big top of head. Yeah. Big top of head. He sort of has, he kind of looks like, what's his name? Upside down parking cone. Twinkie Bird. Tweety Bird. He does look like Tweety Bird. He's got Tweety Bird head. Yeah. Yeah. Twinkie Bird. Twinkie Bird. Twinkie Bird's down at the mine shaft. And his asshole reamed out by big...

Winnie. What's his real name? Rutledge. Rutledge. Yeah, his first name is Rutledge. And I want to say this to the new parents out there. Okay, listen. A name is never to blame for a kid's behavior or attitude. It doesn't help. If you hear the apocryphal song, A Boy Named Sue, you know that it caused his life to be very difficult. Right? And it's not, I know, obviously now things are more complex about stuff like that. Yeah. If you name your kid Rutledge...

He's gonna kill a mate.

If you name a kid Rutledge, he is by far, he is the most dangerous child at the private school. Starting out in a rut. Yes, very much so. When I see Rutledge, I hear, Mommy, bring me another butler. Like, that's all I see. I just see a boy with, like, weird little twin little legs, like little spaghetti legs. He can't fit, and he's just like, and all he does is kill the pets. Yeah, no, he looks like, Rutledge sounds like it's the brother of Muttley. Rutledge! Rutledge!

Off the dog. Rutledge. Get off the dog, Rutledge. Oh, is Rutledge the fourth? Yeah, that's his real name. Rutledge the fourth. So they had three to get him right. And guess what, buddy? I guess the cum don't run that far downhill because it sounds like he fucked up. He's a multiplicity clone of his own father.

Damn. Nothing but recessive genes. And that's one of the hardest parts about having kids. Can't choose the genes. Not in this day and age. That's why we brought you LPN eugenics. Come on down here. The LPN genetic scientists. We are making an incredible thing. I will make sure your kid has back hair to grow them up funny.

All right, here we go. Next story. Are we? Oh, man. I don't know if I want to talk about this one or not, but let's bring it up quick. The guy, I feel like just because it's so violent, we have to talk about it. Which one? The guy who bashed in four people's head with a pipe and then killed three of them because they wanted a movie to be made out of it. This fucking loser. Yeah. All right. So this was in Cedar Rapids.

A Marion man held on $4 million bail after he killed three with a metal pipe. Why give him bail? Because they have to. If you kill three people with a metal pipe, you do not have to give him bail. I actually, this is one of those like lawyer questions, side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com. I believe with certain types of crimes and in certain states, they have to give bail or there's a way that it breaks down. Three murders? Because I think what it comes down to, it's flight risk.

Is that, can they leave? Like, can they, how do they have- What if he's a spree shooter? Well, I think that that would be different. I think that because- But it's the same thing. He killed three people. If he did it with a gun or a pipe, who gives a fuck? But I feel like it's because he did it with a pipe and a pipe is a real slow way to do it. The gun's a real fast way to do it. And what, so you're more quickly to leave? I think that you're more quickly to go shoot a bunch of people and you can kill a lot more people faster. Not if they take your gun. Okay.

Exactly. Unless you upgrade to bombs. That's very bad. So this piece of shit, Luke Wade Truesdell, 34 years young, looks like shit for 34 years old. Of course. He's trying to get famous by bashing in people's heads with pipes. So this guy, he killed somebody with a metal pipe. Three people. But yes, it started with one person. But then I guess he decided to do...

was killed to more because he believed that his crimes were not interesting enough to be caught on film. Is that what he wanted was to sell his story and it become a big true crime new movie of the week on Netflix or something like that. But guess what, buddy? You kind of also have to be interesting. That's the thing. Unfortunately, you still need a story. Even Wonderland sucked. And just like local fat moron with pipe

is just our lives. Yeah. It's not a fucking movie. You know what I mean? That's Ed and I's life. Yeah. I go and sit. I can have a pipe and hang around and go, hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. And no one's going to fucking care about my fucking movie even if I do kill a bunch of people.

Yeah. He said that it would be made into a movie and that's why he did it. So obviously the movie can't get made. Well, no. And we're just going to rat on this guy and say he's fucking too ugly to have a good Hollywood double. Who's going to play him? Rex Horman. Yeah. Right.

The only person that could play this piece of shit in a movie is one of the grips. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like he is not going to be, he is not ready for prime time. These guys. Yeah. So fuck him. Uh, and it's sad because I do want to shout out the, the victims, uh, Kiana, Victoria, Ryan, Lamar Cooper, uh, Amanda Sue Parker. And, uh,

Brett Anthony Brown, which is and it's very sad because and then hopefully this guy doesn't get what he wants at all. But he's just like he's just a fucking loser. And anybody who does it, it's like it doesn't make you interesting. That's one thing. I mean, I know that it's like, yeah, technically a silly argument. But this idea that you being a serial killer makes you interesting is actually honestly at this point.

It's kind of hack. Yeah. Beginning error 1479 on Reddit says he's a known meth dealer in town. Oh, sure. He's probably. It's very hard to be an unknown meth dealer because that means you're just in a hard scrap. You're just doing it. Yeah. You're just making meth. It's not a dealer if you're not selling it. Man. Fuck this guy. I don't even want to talk about him anymore. No, fuck him. Done. Yeah, done. Next. Flush.

Bye, fucker. We'll see what happens to this guy. He's probably not going to do well in jail. No, they're going to fucking, they're going to stick a pipe up his ass. Hey, what's going on? Ed Larson here to talk to you about me undies. Me undies. You comfortable. How you doing? What's going on? Hey, Eddie.

I just want to thank you for giving me the comfort I'll need for me undies. Yeah, I've never felt so cool and comfortable now that I'm up in your undies. Before, we used to be all hot and sweaty and sticky and gross. But now, we're beautiful.

Thank you, balls. I treat you good, okay? And because I treat you good, I hope that everyone out there will treat their balls just half as good as I treat my balls. Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, it's summer, baby. You know when your balls get stuck to your leg and it just feels like roadkill stuck to the street and you just, like, wish you had a better life? Well, you can with MeUndies. These MeUndies are breathing me nuts good. Know what I'm saying? Hey, what about me? I'm sorry, penis. You deserve it, too, but you don't get sweaty like my balls do. That's right. Yeah, you know, we hot.

Yes, they are. And now they can be cool. Thanks to MeUndies. Summer is coming. Get every cut for your butt from MeUndies. Get 20% off your first order plus free shipping at MeUndies.com slash left. That's MeUndies.com slash left.

Left for 20% off plus free shipping. MeUndies. Comfortable from the outside in. Now, I say their thing, but I like saying my thing, which is MeUndies, you comfortable. Yeah. Thank you, Eddie. We love you so much. Now, let's go make a baby.

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Here we go. This is more fun for side stories. Oh! Rotisserie chicken mystery. This is honestly, this has been happening so much lately. I think it's always happened and then now it's just because it's like a trend to report on it. I think this is a phenomenon across side stories that I have discovered of all the years I've been doing this that

crimes really do for some reason happen in waves yeah and they in and i don't know why and i think it might be a little bit of what you're saying there which is like that whatever that base that basis of like uh i forget what the term is when you hear something for the first time and then you see it a bunch of different places yeah and i don't know whether or not is they saw the dumb traction that the pile of meat story got so they're going to report on this pile of meat story but it's

It is strange how often with side stories, if one type of story comes out, there's like two more of the same style. And this is fucking weird. This is another one of like, why are people doing this? It's actually now we know it's very bad for the environment. This is a Yukoners dog finds a pile of cooked rotisserie chickens.

out in the wilderness. 40 chickens. 40 chickens. Yeah, they got a picture of the dog and it's, and underneath it says, here's a Aussie possibly thinking about chickens. It's cute. This is how you know it's Canadian. So this is a Canadian story. Uh, they love how cute it is. This is according to CBC News. Uh,

That was the thing. So Linda Lamers was out for a walk with Ossie when the dog caught the scent and found more than 40 rotisserie chickens dumped in a heap in the woods. Now, it may have been a dream come true for the dog, but it was less than ideal for Lamers. I just want to know why, Lamers said. There's a big smelly bunch of cooked chicken.

Just 500 meters from Holmes. I mean, that's pretty far. It's far enough. And I also like it. Here we go. Here's her putting her fucking detective cap on. These weren't in the ditch, said Lamers. They would have had to have been dragged here intentionally. Oh, yeah. If they were all in a ditch, then they found their way in. Yeah, you think they got kicked out of their house? Yeah. You think they moved out from their fucking parents' house, the 40 rotisserie chickens? I was. And they're on a camping trip? Yeah.

This is extra aggravating for me because I do know that because they're cooked chickens, like this dog could have easily died. Oh, of course. We cover this with the meat pile. The meat pile was actually extremely bad for the environment. It's bad for the animals. It's bad for everything. But like cooked bones, they like splinter off more than uncooked bones. They're extremely bad. They shouldn't be eating the bones unless they're a bull mastiff. Yeah. Right. According to Lammers, she was just like, oh, you know, there's only 500 meters from me home.

Alright? And I try to, I don't like it. I'm going Irish. Fuck. God damn it, I'm almost going Irish. Fuck, fuck. No, don't you know. That's a massive unfactured. Yeah.

I mean, who knows how many... Oh, that's a massive attractant. She doesn't like the birds. I don't even have bird seed out at this time of year because I'm worried what's going to attract bears. Same thing with menstruations. I am worried they're going to smell me bloods coming from the waters and they're going to come out and fish start jumping at my pussy bloods.

Did you know if you got your menage to cause to the ocean, an octopus can jump up and grab at your clit. They're coming for your bloods. Plug it up. I know, I know as a Canadian woman, that's why I'm plugging it up. Yeah. So five football fields away from a house is how far they ditch these. Is that far enough for you? Oh yeah. Yeah.

So you don't have a problem with the chicken? No, I don't want the chickens there because now I know it's bad, but it's more like where did the chickens come from? And it sounds like this is some kind of, again, this is some form of unfortunately light Canadian warfare. Yeah, they probably just couldn't sell them. But that's a lot of chickens. No one buys 40 chickens and throws them in the woods. You can make the same statement with 20 chickens. Unless it was about art.

Oh, this is art. Maybe there's something here. This kind of a, I can see kind of like a student film. Yeah. You know, these chickens are birds. They should be free. Birds live in the forest. It could have been a lot more. I mean, animals could have gotten to this and like taking a couple home one by one by one by one. Yeah. Like they're the 101 Dalmatians. Well, a fox grabs one, brings it back to its little hole. But,

But yeah, that's 40 of them. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. There are 40 left. 40. Oh, but where do they come from? If she was the first person, if her and her dog were the first two to find this. I'm afraid that my menstrual bloods brought the chickens. And I feel like the rotisserie chickens are attracted to my menses. I'm saying if she's the first one to find it and there were no other sign of animals, she's a suspect.

You know, I fucking believe that. You know, I believe some Canadian fucking attention hungry woman who's so sick of no one caring about how the gerbils come after her when she's got a fucking hot flash because they're trying to warm up in the winter. She says a lot of fucked up shit. She's really sick of people not paying attention to her. So she staged this whole thing. Yeah. If these are 40 intact rotisserie chickens, 500 meters from a house.

That means that she either walked past the person who did it or was a part of the dumping herself. I actually agree. And now people go gather around, look at the heap of rotisserie chickens, and she gets to say weird stuff like, I once lost my cat, and what I did was I ate a bunch of fish, right? And I farted real loud so then the cat could find its way home. Yeah.

Oh, lammers. Get out of here, lammers. But, you know, right now, obviously she's traumatized and we're making fun of this woman and we shouldn't be.

Because this is one of the worst things that can happen to somebody. At least to a chicken. I mean, to a woman, a Canadian woman. One of the single worst things that can happen to a woman is seeing a pile of rotisserie chickens she just can't launch into. Because that's my ultimate torture. Man. It was a pile of rotisserie chickens. That's so, so good. You know I love rotisserie chickens.

Man, I can eat the, I mean, that's got me through so much of my life. That's still. I still eat my rotisserie chicken alone in my car after I go to the store. So, you know, those places in Brooklyn that sell chickens, like live chickens and like feathers, like you're still fine. Now you buy a chicken there. Yeah. They're like 20 bucks. Yeah. How come a rotisserie chicken is like $5.99? Because a rotisserie chicken is mostly rat meat.

I'm just saying, if I don't have to pluck and kill and cook the chicken myself. Because one is the freshest possible meat ever. And it is an entire chicken. I guess you can get eggs from it. If you wanted to keep it. But I think you have to fuck it. Yeah. Don't you have to give it something? Don't you have to like play with its clit or something? No, you do have to fuck a chicken for it to start producing eggs. But don't you have to do something? It's not you fucking it. That's why all farmers should be imprisoned.

But it's not you fucking it, right? From farm aid to farm aid. Isn't there something... Isn't there something you gotta do to chickens? We love farmers. I'm fine with them. I don't know any. I'm fine with them. There's two piles of chickens. Yes. That's what I'm saying. It's weird. But I'd like to know, sidestories, LPOTLG, how do chickens have eggs?

I think they just shit them out. Yeah, I know. I'm pretty sure they just shit them out. You need a rooster to fertilize them. Otherwise, they're just delicious eggs. But I think that they're only to make more chickens, but I think they are just eggs if they come out. But how do you make them have eggs if they're not having a baby? You shake them and slap them. Wow. Amazing. Is that what they did with Kate plus eight?

Remember her? Yeah. Where's she at? She's probably fucking scissoring the octomom. That makes me hard as Christ. Just thinking about it makes me hard as the Savior himself. Slowly drown into my own lung butter. Ready to come in front of my mom. Yeah.

What's next? I don't know. I think we're done with the story. I do think we might have gotten through all of the stories. The raging boner stories. Oh, no. I got a great one. I forgot. Yay. What's this?

Woman eaten by snake. Oh, yeah. How did we forget about the woman eaten by snake? Yeah, woman eaten by snake. Yeah, this is a good one. Now there's a missing woman and they found her. Yeah, they found her. Dead inside of a 16-foot python. Last place you ever look. Yeah, I know. It's so hard. It's always like, where did I put mom? You know what it is? It's because the key is, honestly, this is what I hope that their family learns from this. The key is, Eddie, truly, don't be a lever. Be a putter.

Oh, I thought you were going to say be a beaver. Don't be a lever. You can't just leave mom places. You've got to put her in the snake. And if you put, it's like you can't leave your keys places. You have to put your keys where they need to go. That's very smart. I like that. Natalie told me that and I still don't do it. So what happened to, yeah, because I was like, I was. I just throw my keys wherever the first, I'm old.

I am in a constant, never-ending search for my keys and wallet. I always stick it in like a really weird place. Every time. And I'm always like, I'll remember because it's in a really weird place. It's exactly where I wouldn't put it, so I gotta know it's there. And I know not to do that, and I still do it. Because why? Weed. Yep.

It's called a problem. It's called I'm losing short of your memory rapidly, but I'm choosing it over my feelings. All right. So this poor lady was drowned by... No, she was... All right. So this woman was found dead inside the belly of a snake. I don't know how she got there. I think that she... She obviously swallowed. She went quietly, weirdly. The husband of 45-year-old Farida in residence of Kalampong Village in South Salawesi. Oh.

Oh, wow. I nailed it. Yeah, it was perfect. Discovered her on Friday inside a reticulated python. So they came to go look for her. She was gone. They found her shoes. They found her belongings. And then they went and they saw kind of things missing. And then they found a dugout sort of furrow. They watched the snakes way of going. And then they found a snake with a giant mom size pot belly. She had to have been tiny.

Do they give her sizes? She's 16 foot. You don't give her sizes. I know, but I don't think the snake could take me is what I'm saying. I actually, I wonder. I think the snake could eat you. No. A snake eats alligators. My shoulders. But a python can eat an alligin.

I don't know. A smaller gator, maybe. No, we talked about it. I just was on that gator tour. Yeah, yeah. They can. Pythons eat gators. That's the problem right now is that they have to go. The gators are getting eaten out. When they're young. Yeah, but they're getting eaten like crazy. But like three, four footers, not 12 footers. But we know it's decimating the gator population because the pythons are an invasive species.

species in the Everglades and they're eating all the gators. So someone has to go kill all the snakes and then let the gators get big enough to kill them again. Yeah. No, but the pythons, they're doing good down there. Oh, they are very, very good. One python tried to eat like a six foot gator and it busted out its

belly. Did you ever see that shit? Yeah, I love that fucking shit. Fucking scientist jerk off party. Now this guy, so it does squeeze you to death. It kills you. So residents in Southeast Southoasis to none. Oh, I'm not even going to try it. I'm just going to T-Town.

District killed an eight meter Python, which was found in strangling and eating one of the farmers in the village. In 2022, a woman in Indonesia's Jambi province was killed and swallowed whole by a Python. In 2018, a woman was found dead inside a seven meter Python. Um, that's small. That's small. Uh,

It is. Honestly, I feel like... Oh, seven meter. Seven meter. Oh, seven meter. That's 21 feet. That's 21 feet. Okay, that is huge. Yes. In 2022, a 16-foot albino reticulated python that slithered through a Texas neighborhood for months was finally rescued and returned to its owner. Who wrote this fucking article? You're going back from feet to meters, back and forth? It's AI. Go fuck yourself. No one's writing anything anymore.

All right. This is written by the cloud. It's so aggravating. Yes. If you're right, you keep one measurement through the entire article. They're just right. They know when they're desperate to keep their job from feet to yard. I wouldn't even be as bad. This is all Siri doing this. All right. Siri is writing articles now.

Right? That's why we, as a group, need to go. The independence of this, and I mean this, Eddie, it starts with Joey Chestnut. Yeah. On July 4th, that day. Yeah, it started. We need to fight the corporations and that's how we do it. Oh my God. That day. With the one corporation we can get our hands around its neck. Can Marvin E. Meyer have any children? Daddy?

Is that my daddy? Whoa. Is this footage? It's a video of them cutting it up. Whoa. Where did you find this, Rob? Whoa. She's like a poroshki. Oh, my God. Whoa. They're cutting her out of it. It's so kind of delicious looking. Whoa. Holy smokes. Wow. She's in her clothes.

Damn. She's still in makeup. Oh my God. That's incredible. I can't believe this. Is it odd to say I feel bad for the snake? What do you mean you feel bad for the snake? I'm just saying the snake doesn't know. Well, he thought it got the biggest prize of its life. He doesn't know. And now they're just cutting its stomach open. I didn't know that the snake could eat Talbots.

I didn't know that was a part of its lifestyle. Oh, my God. Did your mom shop at Talbot's? Yeah, occasionally. Not really, though. Talbot's was the nice one. Julie's mom loves Talbot's. She keeps sending Julie Talbot's clothes. And I'm like, my wife's not that old. Can you please stop sending her these clothes? You're not having sex with the woman that runs a reading group inside of a YMCA yet. This is fucking crazy. That's fucking awesome. This video. I'm speechless. Yeah, she is all the way inside that thing. She is small.

Oh my God. She's a small lady. Yeah, they're fine. Now they're bringing a blanket to cover her up finally. Let's grab a napkin. Okay. It does look like a picnic blanket. Yeah, we might need a napkin for this one, okay? Oh my fucking God. This one might get goopy, okay? So they found the snake all the way in the woods. Yeah, dude. It fucking was going home. It was fucking, it had its huge ass launch. And they put the caution at the end of the video? Yes, they did. They put the trigger warning at the end. Whoever wrote this article. Ha ha ha.

It's the most appalling shit It's literally like It's both killing an animal And a dead corpse And it's like You just see it at the very end Caution Some imagery might be hard for people to watch So good Oh god They're doing the lord's work in Indonesia You know You just gotta be careful out there Never Trust a snake That you don't know personally It's like meet new dealer Oh man Oh god That was so upsetting looking It was fun

I like it. I mean, honestly. It shows me how, to me, it's like, weirdly, I'm like, that's America and nature. Yeah, it is. I watch that and it's like, that's cool that nature can do that. I know it's bad, but I just feel like as humans, we so very rarely lose to wild animals. Like, we beat wild animals fucking 9.9 times out of 10. You know, so every once in a while, it's for them to get one. I think her family should get free beer for life. Yeah, dude. Fucking, you know who should fucking hit them up is Miller. Yeah. Yeah.

Miller's got to get in on this. Living the high life. Living the high life being like, you know, my wife may have been eaten by a snake, but hey, Miller High Life, champagne and beers. Snakes got you down. Yeah. Miller High Life. Snakes eat your wife. Yeah, snakes eat your wife. Have nine Miller High Lifes. All right.

Wow, cool. Those bad feelings just go away. Thanks, champagne and beers. God. Do we need to go out and kill all the snakes? No. No. Just something that happens and we need to accept it. I feel that snakes move slow enough. And I'm not victim. They're pretty fast. They can be, I know. But I'm still saying that I do feel that in some ways this was avoidable. For sure. I feel that this could not have happened to this woman.

I do feel that part of it. I know that pythons are extremely, especially reticulated pythons are very aggressive. Yeah, 16 feet. Very big. No, I'm not saying that it's not awesome. It's almost three of me. I'm not getting length. Yeah, I'm not saying it's not awesome. Yeah. I'm just saying that I feel like the lady, there was a series of mistakes that were made. For sure. And it led to this. Yeah, definitely got a...

She wasn't at... Keep the window closed. Yeah, she wasn't inside of a Chick-fil-A when this happened. If she was inside of a piece of, like, society in that way, in terms of, like, if she was in an office building and got ate by the pythons, we got a python problem. We need to look at it. She was in the python's house. Yeah. There's so many people in Indonesia, too, that this is just going to happen. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Eaten by gators. You got spiders. Yeah.

But yeah, that's terrifying. Yeah, it was very scary. Well, hey, you know what, Eddie? I think you'd know if a snake was coming. Thank you. I think you would know. Yeah, because I would have invited him. You would be like, oh, my friend. Don't eat me, friend. But don't let him sleep in your bed. No. Because then what they do sometimes is they measure you in your sleep. Yeah, they think when you see a snake laying straight next to you, it's really just sizing up to see if it can eat you or not, right? Well, that might be. Is that a wives tale? It might be.

I think it's cool, though. It is cool. Yeah. I hope it's true. I hope it's true. Yes, but I think it might be fake. Yeah, but don't sleep with snakes. No, no. You shouldn't. You should keep them in their cage. Yeah, and gators. Don't sleep with gators either. Do you let a snake free reign? Like around a house? Like, do you let a snake crawl around? No, they have aquariums. But do they need out time? Like my friend, like, not my friend. My neighbor has a parrot. If you're not going to take the snake out of the cage, then why you have it?

Well, because I mean, it just means you're highly desperate for attention. You're going to be one of the snake people on a boardwalk. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, you don't buy snakes need that. I had a hamster. I used to take him out all the time. Oh, they don't need to go outside every day. Spending time outdoors can be enriching for them. Like what? Like reading a book? What do you mean a snake? I mean, I know I have a lot of friends. They don't have hands. I have a lot of friends that do have snakes and I know that they do have personalities and they are actually very interesting animals, but it's not for me. All right. Let's get some letters. All right.

booty booty booty my mother-in-law janice wasted away and died of cancer in a pretty dramatic and traumatic way is that how you started that this is literally how i did not know i honestly did not know remember that that was the first line of the email yeah as i said booty booty booty but yes that is uh unfortunate but we're leaving it in because that's called that's called being human man i mean you gotta see you see that about me

Now, 20 years later, after that sad story, now 20 years later, funny story, I'm sure, you know, my children and my wife and I interact with her at least once a month.

My ass has been pinched many times. Janice never met me, but I think she probably would have pinched my ass in life as well. Janice also slammed doors and opened cabinets and moved things on shelves. Occasionally, I'll hear my kids holler from the other room. They ask Janice to knock it off, whatever she might be doing at that time. We don't really have a problem with it.

I suppose if we move, we might smudge or something to let her rest. But in the meantime, it's nice to occasionally feel a booty pinch. Now, I don't like a booty pinch. Me neither. I feel that there is a piece of information missing from this email because it goes straight from really sad, extremely touching in a way of talking about this woman dying of very rapidly of rapid onset cancer. But then it just jumped the booty pinches. And I don't know where the booty pinches started. It started while she was alive. Yeah.

It was while she was in hospital. She was booty pinching? No. Is she booty pinching him? Is that not technically, and I hate to do this, guys, is that not technically sexual assault? Well, what are you going to do? Lock up the ghost? Yes. It's already locked up. Call Ed and Lorraine Warren or their people to come over and exorcise the ghost and put it in ghost jail, which is hell. I think it goes to hell.

I don't know if I think that Satan likes what it's doing here. I feel that this is, I mean, I don't know. And I'm not trying to come up to her mother. So what's the wife say? I don't know. We don't know. We don't have enough information to really talk about this. This is just the father of the family explaining about how he loves his ghost mother-in-law's touch on his bottom. That's all this letter is. Interesting. Yeah. So he likes that his mom, his wife's dead mom. Touches his butt. Grabs his ass. Yeah, he likes that.

Weird. Yeah. That's real weird. Hey, it's just listener emails. These are just listener emails. I don't write them. Yeah, no, you don't. They come in, but I think about them and they haunt me. All right, Janice.

Good work. Time travel encounter. It's the last one. See, grandmas, they usually pinch cheeks. Not those cheeks. Oh, they're both cheeks. They are. All right. No, my grandmother never once touched me below the belt because if she did, I call that bad. I don't think that's bad. I would not want my mom. My mom's never touched my butt since physically hitting me as a child. She's never, um, never caressed, never a pinch. I can't even imagine.

imagine my mother pinching me on my buttocks. The only time I've ever been pinched on my buttocks has been by a very inappropriate...

Boomer woman. Yeah. That's happened to me a lot. Yes. I've mostly been touched in that way. Yeah. But even that, I honestly, I could take more. Really? I just haven't gotten a lot of it. I've gotten plenty. I know you get a little touchy touches. I hate it. You got more meat. I think my problem, honestly, is that my butthole is so it's my butt. My butt is if you try to get at my butt, you're going straight to the hole. Yeah. As it is.

I think that our fans are surprisingly respectful. Yes, of course. Also, it's only happened to me in actual comedy clubs around drunk people that just go to comedy clubs. And again, it's always a very sauced older lady in a specific type of outfit with a certain color of hair. And it's a type of blonde hair. Yeah. Dude, it's always blonde. Always blonde. Why is it always blonde? I don't know. It's so crazy. I think it's the peroxide.

I think it does something to their brains at some period of time because we just look like big waggling around dicks to them. And guess what? We're not just meat. We're not just fuck machines. Yeah, man. We're poets. Last time I did West Palm, I got off stage and I had a killer set and some lady fucking grabbed my dick as I was walking back to the green room. Again, it's both. Wow, you got to kick down. Fuck yeah, I got to kick down. You got to be careful. I should have called the goddamn cops.

You should have just immediately pushed, punched her husband. Just deck her husband. I fucking, the first thing I think of has been Christ-like. Oh, yeah. In your behavior. And shown her the true meaning of the crucifixion. Christ is alive. Christ is alive. Every time we get a boner. Every time. Ah, Jesus Christ, he must be here. There we go. Time travel encounter.

I was re-listening to the Alaskan Triangle episode. Thank you. And there was a part in the show where you talked about how you would love to meet a time traveler. I would. Specifically about having to ask somebody about what year it is. This reminded me of an experience I had with one of my coworkers that I felt I had pushed into the recesses of my mind. I was working at a local bank in Cottonwood Heights, Utah. There were only five guys that worked there. We knew the regulars and even the people who came in on occasion. It was...

extremely likely that one of the five of us had opened the accounts for people who banked at our branch. They knew everybody. It was rare that we'd see someone come in and that one of us did not recognize. Small town. There was one particular day. We'd been open for two hours. So when the lights in the lobby seemed to have dimmed just a little, it was almost like when the clouds cover the sun, but it was a gray winter day. No one was in the lobby. We didn't have dimmers at our branch, right? My coworker, Connor, and I both looked at each other and Connor said, spooky. And we laughed.

Not even a second after he had stopped laughing, a gentleman walked in. I did not recognize this man, and neither did Connor. I remember thinking that something felt off. His dress was unusual for mid-March in Utah. He was in cargo shorts, a golf polo, and a black zipped-up hoodie with a hood pulled over his head. Most people usually took hoods or hats off when they came into the bank. He did not. He quickly walked up to me without getting a deposit slip, handed me his debit card, and asked if I could check his balance. I

I was not required to check his ID for a balance check. So I told him it was showing $148,000. He glanced up at me and said, what year is it? I told him it was 2020. He said quietly but firmly. He said, really? Oh, fuck.

grabbed his card off the counter and left in one single motion. I looked over at Connor and said, that was really fucking weird. And then right then the lights undimmed like the clouds moved away from the sun. Again, it's a gray winter day.

We looked around and I said, what happened? What was that? When our manager came in later, we told him what had happened. He did not recognize the guy's name in the account. And after further digging, we did notice that the guy had no other transactions in his account aside from his account being open and the amount of $148,000 deposited into account almost exactly one month prior. We all agreed that this was very strange. Still, even now, it's hard to wrap my head around him saying, really? Oh, fuck.

When I told him the year that he miss you, his time travel, he didn't seem like a strung out druggie. I never saw him again, but it asks us the ID. What would it had said? So many unanswered questions to me. First thing in my mind is old boy, old boy. You ever see old boy? You know, I never seen old boy, dude. You have, I am so happy for you. You get to see it. So fucking good. Don't watch the Brolin one. No, no,

no i love brolin yeah me too but still watch old boy he's kept in a prison for no he doesn't know why for 10 years okay and he gets out and it just sounds like a guy literally that was held in captivity and someone put money in his account while he was in captivity and then they let him out what so there's a couple things that don't make sense to me many things first off

I don't believe that time travelers are going to wear cargo shorts. I don't. Yeah. Number one. But if there were going to be and you needed things to hold in your pockets. I'm currently wearing cargo shorts. Yes. And I'm saying this. But do you don't think that you would travel through time? If given the opportunity? Never. Wow. No. Never. No. Whoa. Of course not. Maybe the future, but not to the past.

See, I'm more afraid of the future than the past. Well, if you go to the future, you can't fuck anything up. Yeah, you can. No, you just come back. No, because then you can know the future, which actually might be even more damaging. But it won't be the future because you know it. And so you're obviously, no matter what you do when you come back, it's going to be different. I think that you're going to fuck. No, if you go in the past, you cannot touch anything. I do believe you can go in the past and you can go and not. You could like be led through by a guide. If you go in the past, you're definitely going to fuck shit up. I feel like at some point, if it is true, you'd go through with like a guide.

You would go and you would have that In my mind you'd have the day Of the action taking place and you'd go to Parts of time where you just Kind of like see something happening I'd like to go watch the past I'd be really into that The chronovisor shit I'd be down with that But I don't want anyone to be able to see me Or anything like that

Or like, you know, be able to touch anything or like, you know, I would love to do acid. I actually saw some stuff at contact that was talking a little bit about that, about how it would probably be much easier to see the future than to go to the future. Yeah. The future. See the past instead of go to the past. Well, yeah. Cause how are you going to bring the body?

Also, people always do the time travel thing and they end up in the fucking Middle Ages. It's like, well, if you're in Indiana, you're not going to be in Europe because you travel time. You're going to be in Indiana. You're right. You're absolutely correct. You're talking about a massive problem amongst most time travel films. Yeah. That is correct. You can't change location. I don't know. It depends on... It's very subjective. Back to the Future, they stayed in the same place at least. Yes, they did. But again, I think that that's probably one of the most successful time travel movies besides Primer.

Primer's not successful at all because I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. You've never seen Primer? I think I watched it once. It's awesome. Have you seen Primer? It was made for like $8. It's awesome. It's great script. That's the one with the storage unit one, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We watched that together, I think. I'm pretty certain we did. It's great. I don't like it.

Time crimes. Good sci-fi movie. I like Looper. Time crimes. Looper! Of course, Looper. Looper is also incredible. I forgot about it. And I also forgot, yeah, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for some reason ended up in feudal Japan, even though they went through the time machine in New York. Yeah. Makes no sense. It's almost like it's some kind of convenience for the screenplay. Yeah.

What a great episode today's been. It really has. Every day I live knowing that Jesus Christ died. Oh, also, my other problem with the story, I forgot to mention the second thing that pissed me off. No bank manager is going to tell some stranger about someone else's bank account. You would tell the other employees about the bank account. But this wasn't an employee. Yeah, it was. They were both employees of the bank. Okay, I take it back. Thank you. See, I live every day.

I live every day knowing that I live as Christ lived, waiting to die so I can finally be hard. God damn it. And then I can laugh as everybody's like Pontius Pilate's like, God damn. Yeah, he can nail me. Nine inch fucking thick ass. Save your ass, fucking God.

And they can love the fact that he's not fucking wanting me to die anymore. He's wanting me to live so I can give it to him back in his old fashion. And I'm going to change because that's how I'm going to change fucking history. I'm going to go back in time. I'm going to see fucking the treasure out of jerking. I'm going to see Jesus is hard ass fucking cock. I'm going to suck that dick.

Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, I guess it is probably at mouth level because it's on a cross. I'm going to freak everybody out. I'm going to make the whole world gay. Well, I don't know. There's already a bunch of Italians there. I'm going to suck Jesus Christ's dick and everyone's going to be like, whoa, I didn't know we could do that. Whoa, that guy's awesome. Who's he? And I go, see you in 2024.

Leave. Wipe my mouth. Cargo shorts. This has been Side Stories. Go check us out. Patreon.com slash Last Podcast on the left. You can see our bodies flop around. See us on socials at LP on the left for what I don't know, but go look at it. They are making stuff on there. They're working hard. Go look at it. Go into Last Podcast with the love.com. Buy tickets to see us live. We're crushing it out there.

Side stories coming to Chicago September 13th, man. That's going to be great. The Chicago LP last podcast show is sold out.

Yep. So if you want to see us and you missed the tickets for that, you got to come see Side Stories the night before. Drive to Philly. Take your family to Philadelphia. Well, yes, that's in December. That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay. Yes. I was talking about Chicago in September. Drive to Philly. Yes. We're doing it. Guys, we love you so much. Listen to The Brighter Side also, by the way. Yeah, go listen to his other show. It's good. Yeah, it's fun. And I love you guys very much. Hail Satan. I don't got anyone to hail.

Hail the old lady from Indonesia. Poor lady. I feel so bad for her and her family. Hey, man, I just fucking just don't get eaten by a goddamn snake. I know. That's all you got to do. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.

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Was it easy leaving the group chat when the bubbles turned green and every message was Cam likes this and Claire dislikes that? Oh yes, yes it was because I get enough overreacting at home. Like liking messaging again with WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone.