Side Stories: Cat Crimes
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The road leads to here.

JK Ultra. It's coming to these North American cities. We got Denver, May 16th. Seattle, June 8th. Washington, D.C., July 13th. Chicago, Illinois, September 14th. October 16th, we got Boston, Massachusetts, November 2nd, right here in Los Angeles, California. And then on December 7th, we're going home to Brooklyn for a show at the King's Theater. Yeah, Brooklyn, baby. It's time for you.

to laugh again and open your fucking eyes. Yeah, at the same time. There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Oh, yeah! Hey, yeah!

Yeah. Oh. Oh. Come on. Come on. Who did that? Come on. Yeah. Reminen. Reminen. Reminen. Man, I just had the last like four or five days with my mother-in-law in town. Wonderful lady. She was very nice. Wonderful lady. Yeah, she did a good job.

You know, but you just forgot a mother-in-law's view of you is very specific. I feel like I have a new set of things I have to improve. You own a house. I know. It doesn't matter. Not to a mother-in-law. No. Because I feel like if a mother... I love my mother-in-law. Yeah. But I feel like they look at the house and even that, they're like...

But where's the second home? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't you have a second home? I feel like I have to remind my mother-in-law that I'm a human. It's hard. That I'm like a person who exists. But she also... They love the children. Yes, they love your nieces and nephews. Do you have nieces and nephews? Yeah, well, I got Bella. Okay. No, I'm talking about on the other side. No. No? Wow. Natalie's brother is nothing. It's just us. Wow.

It's just us. Maybe that's her problem. She realized she ain't getting shit. Actually, no, no, no. She didn't have a problem. It's more just like, it's just so hard because, I mean, obviously we already have a college fund put aside for car me and it's hard to describe that to her because she starts crying and getting all weird about it. But I was like,

No, I mean, like, do you want Carmen to go to the army? Yeah, yeah. Do you want her to have to go to Afghanistan or on the next fight that we have? Like when we go to go fight France? Yeah, she's going to be an x-ray tech. Yeah. Like all chihuahuas. I mean, oh, I wish. Honestly, it'd also be nice if she could be on the tank squad. The tank squad? Tank destroyers. How's Rambo? You were also like, Rambo ate an entire taxidermied alligator head. Yes.

My dog Rambo Black Lab Pit Mix ate an entire taxidermy alligator head. I'd have to say the thing was like a foot long. I cannot even believe. I don't even know how the dog even knew. I have to blame myself. I bought this as a gift. You can't. You literally can't. It smells like furniture. I was supposed to mail it out a year ago and I didn't. Shout out to April, the ex-editor of The Brighter Side. You know, I appreciate it. This was supposed to be your alligator head. Oh, this is for April? I bought it.

bought this alligator head for April. Oh, I thought this was from your alligator expert.

No, that's Savannah. No, that's just a friend. I love gators, by the way, if you couldn't tell by my demeanor. But yeah, so I bought as a gift to April for editing all of the extra episodes of The Brighter Side for Gator Week last year. Yeah. I bought her a gator head. And you never sent it to her. I never sent to her because I'm lazy. And I kept asking her for her address and she kept sending it to me and I kept not mailing her this gator head. You know, because like part of me was like, maybe not.

But like the other part, you know, but I never got to it. No. And then now I'm moving and Rambo, I don't know, we left him alone when we went to dinner with Natalie's mom and he ate the alligator head because his dinner was a half hour late and he ate the entire alligator head. I just can't even believe, I don't even know how he did it.

this is side stories. I'm Henry Zabrowski. I'm sitting with Ed Larson. How you doing? What's going on? We're dealing with some personal trauma here. I just, I've just been like sifting through his shit. You just shit. You were literally sifting through his shit, looking for alligator teeth. Like he is. You don't have to look for them. They're there. They're there. They're like, they're like so much. And his shit has gotten so rock hard because he ate all like the, whatever the fiberglass, whatever they stuff taxidermy alligator heads with. So it's like his poops are like dust. Well,

Whoa. And so it's like, that's all he has to do. Maybe I need to do that. Honestly, I went to, I was, I ate hard this weekend and I've been having nothing but grease. Yeah. But I've been, I've been feeding a bunch of pumpkin to him. You know, he got to eat a little Vaseline, you know, to kind of like help the, Oh, did you do that thing with the Vaseline sandwich? Like Tyra Banks does. Can they eat that? And then it helps like move stuff through them. Uh, no blood.

You know, I'm sure we're going to get lots of comments that my dog's going to die. So far, so good. I mean, if he hasn't died already. He's eating some crazy shit. There's no blood in the puke. He just is one of those. He's got a wide butthole. Oh, my God. Like, I really do think he's got a wide butthole. His throat is wide. Yeah, yeah. It's just I'm worried about his little intestines. Oh, of course, buddy. You know, so they're going through that. I Googled what to do if your dog gets a taxidermy to alligator head, and it said get a better decorator.

And you're like, thanks very much, Mr. For Cora. Honestly, Cora is just so sad. It is a, you know what's really hard? It really could have killed him. Yes. Because all the bones are like cooked and splinter and shit. I'm just happy. I'm still not out of the woods. That he's okay. I mean, right now he's okay. He keeps puking.

Yeah, of course he keeps puking. He ate an entire taxidermy alligator head. In the past two days, alligator teeth have come out of his mouth and out of his butt. Whoa. They've come out of both sides. Guess where he's never going again? Florida. He's never been to Florida. I mean, you can't take him now. This is a Florida problem. This is Florida following me to kill my dog. It is literally the revenge of you getting out.

is this happening to Rambo? Because I will say he did do this to himself. Yes. It's sad that he... But I'm glad that right now he's fine. He's eaten lots of tampons. He's eaten lots of stuff that should have killed him. Right out of him. And they just go, right? It is one of the worst. To watch him do... We call it...

When he gets his spaghetti. Because what he does is he sees the little string and he's like, he's Lady and the Tramp. I guess it's like you guys watch that movie too much. Oh, yeah. We love it. I mean, I had this one time with him. I was so my cousin was visiting me.

And she had just, she stayed with me for a couple of days. And, and then she went with her boyfriend or husband and then went, took a little trip to Santa Barbara or whatever, as you do when you're on vacation in LA. Of course. She left the house for, I think a total of like 40 minutes. And then I'm just sitting there. I'm in the living room with our buddy, Adam Wurtz.

And I'm just sitting there. And then he walks out of the bathroom. And then in front of Adam and I just spits out my little cousin's tampon. Cool. That he found in the trash. Did you make Adam pick it up?

pick it up and throw it away because I would not have done it. I mean, like, this is now, you got, this is a buddy thing you're going to have to do. I did it. I did it. I was very mad about it. Oh, yeah. It's just, I'm sure this would be a very interesting way for her to find out about this story, but you know what I'm going to do? Side stories, LPOTL and gmail.com. Are you Ed's relative that have

the tampon come out of you and go inside of Rambo. Oh man. That's a tough situation. It really is all around. I got so mad at him. I'm like, man, I was like out of everybody, like I'll juggle, you know, strangers tampons, but this, Oh yeah. If it's Natalie's, I'll pick it up with my mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'll pick it up with my teeth. If it's my mother's, I mean, first of all, it's like, how's that happening? Yeah. My mom's got nothing but rocks. It's been gone. Yeah. No, I was my mom's last period. Yeah. Good work, bro. Yeah.

Yeah! Drying her up. Now we got a lot of show today. Rambo's going to be fine. Rambo's going to be fine. Thank you for your concern pre many emails, I'm sure. Yeah, and also save those teeth. You know, they're covered in shit. Or puke. Can we wash them off? I will save you the next batch. Sure.

I will bring them here and I'll put them right next to your haunted Ouija board and we'll conjure the fucking dead alligator. That would be incredible. I would love to know this alligator's story and his unfinished business. I never got to eat a giraffe. My name is Melissa. You've been misgendering me this entire time.

All right, we got some updates. First of all, of course, Dungeons and Dragons brings out a lot of ire. People, the guy, the DM that wrote about the breakdown of Godzilla, again, referring to our third decennial. Did he write back again? No, but other DMs wrote in response to his breaking down of the scenario of Godzilla versus 500, 400 birds.

and what would happen because then one DM said, oh, it was very possible for the birds to defeat Godzilla. And then we kind of talked about practically, like, sure, yeah, in your little child's game,

the birds can maybe get Godzilla. But how are they going to get through the skin? We talked about this in real life. We don't think it would be practical. We didn't think it was going to do it. But then a lot of DMs came out because I appreciated our first, our first response from a DM. I love our DMs. I understand that your job is to have eye for detail. You're supposed to come figure out a way to tell these stories in a

quantifiable manner. So I thank you. But you got a lot of flack. And I honestly think that you as a DM need to go and write your own little manifesto against other DMs because this is the response you got because they said that there was a lot of nerd rage. Not at us. Not just us. It's not mad at us. I mean, we're always everyone's slightly mad at us, but that's our job. Yeah. You know, that's my job as a comedian. Yeah. Is to make sure that at least a portion of the room is upset with me.

Oh, of course. At any given time. Oh, Henry Hot takes. That's what I got. I got to do it. Because what are you showing up here for? What? This is the palate cleanser that is Henry Zebrowski? No, no, no. I'm an overbearing sensation. Yeah. I am the too much. You are. Over the edge. But at the same time, if it's the right amount, boy. Yeah.

Come to pass. Now, what they say here is the counter-argument. Godzilla's armor rating would be too high. Exactly. Godzilla would have considerable immunity to many types of damage. Absolutely. Isn't he? Yeah, because he regenerates. Yeah, they feel like the bird's damage output would be too low to pose any substantial threat to Godzilla, and Godzilla's atomic breath would wipe out all birds no matter how...

But according to our main researcher, Joel, who helps me with side stories, they wrote that in a much harsher and mean way. Really? Towards the person that gave his original breakdown. Why are we sugarcoating it? Because...

Because, again, I'm protecting them. We don't know any of these fucks. I'm protecting people. Okay? Because you have to understand, this is what we deal with. I know how to code through. I see your rage every day. I see people's rage writing in every day. And I also know. So I know I have to decode. You're just feeling this in the moment. You obviously, you got your penis caught in your zipper this morning. Yeah. Anything could have happened. Anyone who's actually mad can go fuck themselves. No one's actually mad. Yeah. It's just fun to do in a full on. I love.

yelling for yelling's sake. My whole life. It's my whole life. I love it. So that was one little pushback. But we kind of broke that down. DMs, understand everybody works with different rule sets. You know what I mean? The big breakdown was a lot of like,

oh, but in this edition it'd be different, you know, and in this edition it would be different because D&D has been kind of updated and mutated over the years. Yeah. No, I always think of like, whenever I hear DM, I always think of like sliding into your DMs and stuff like that. And then, you know, so I was like mad that it's like they kind of like cross over and I get confused when I hear it, but

obviously no one is sliding into a DM's DM's. You never know because sometimes they're sexy ladies and they're sexy dudes and you'd be surprised if people want to get into a good campaign what would happen to a DM. Side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com What's the sexiest way someone tried to join your D&D game? If anyone's hot

And playing D&D, like, it's got to be, like, a boring game. No, it's a lot of people. We're going to get pushed back immediately. If you're attractive, I don't think you're good at it. Rob is saying, too, a lot of people want to see an LPN D&D game, man. We one day. I think we're ugly enough. We are, but you'd be surprised that a lot of attractive people in the game, shit has changed, Eddie. Yeah. Shit's changed. There's more fuckable nerds across the board. But if you're good looking, you're less interesting.

Always. Yeah. But it depends on how you're good looking. You know what I mean? We're like, I like you always got to be 5% jacked up. To me, that's what makes you sexy. Oh, if you're just like all fucked up on weird like creatine and shit? No, I'm just saying like, no, I think that's dumb. I'm saying that like to be hot, you have to have a, to be truly hot and sexy versus beautiful.

Is you have to be 5% jacked up. Yeah. You gotta have a jacked up notion. Hot's got a six pack. Beautiful has a flat belly, right? No, opposite. Beautiful has a six pack. Absolutely. Hot is more flawed, but better. That's how I view it. Wow. Hot and sexy is more quote unquote flawed, but you're better. You're more fun. Like someone with a snaggle tooth. Yeah. Like Patricia Arquette's hot.

Yeah. Or is she sexy? Sex, both. I'm just saying, but also I view her as beautiful. She is beautiful. But this is a great breakdown. People are going to love this. They're going to be so excited about this. I'm just saying there's a difference. And obviously, Eddie and I know. Yeah. Because if you look at us, everyone always asks me, like, what's the taste level of beauty in the room? And you just see us do like, hi. Yes. Can I come in from outside?

But yeah, we learned a lot today. We both married giant redheads that can kick the shit out of us. We both are way, we are both punching way outside of our weight class when it comes to our significant others. And it's because, again, it's about being funny. And because guys, it's about being funny. Girls, do you want to be? It's like the two mixing. It's like a funny man is on one side and like a hot lady is on the other side. And then all of them in between, whatever the fuck it is you are. I don't fucking know what you are.

So whatever you are, if somebody wants to fuck you, congratulations. All right, so let's go have another fucking update. It's about sky shit. Oh, thank God. Now, this is another one. If shit dropped out of a flying plane, we asked a question about physics. Would it continue to travel at the same speed it was traveling when it was ejected from the plane? Objects in motion tend to stay in motion. That was according to

Right. Now, the shit would not be as aerodynamic as the plane. And depending on the shit, it would not have as much mass as the plane. Therefore, it would encounter wind resistance and begin to slow down immediately. Yeah. Not keeping pace with the flying plane. Yeah, because it'd be air going whipping past it. Yes. That's making it look like it was shooting backwards because that's how I said is a fly backwards. That's how that's kind of what I meant when it's a flying backwards. So I'm smarter.

than the way I sound. The same rules apply in the example. If you are a passenger in a car not wearing a seatbelt and the car suddenly stops from a high rate of speed, you will fly forward through the windshield because you are an object in motion and you will stay in motion until external forces stop that motion. Also, if you're in the backseat, wear your seatbelt. You're going to go over the seat in front of you and bash the person in the back of the head. That is one of my renegade

David Icke stances I have lost over the years. You got to have to wear the seatbelt. Unfortunately, I wish I could be for freedom.

I wish I could be for freedom. It's not freedom because you're taking away someone else's freedom by doing it. But you're taking away your freedom to become a ghost by putting on a seatbelt. So that's what we'll see here at last podcast. That's an official message. Buckle up, you fucks. You fucking pieces of shit. Also, here we got some insider knowledge on that Buffalonian house getting hit with shit. Oh, because I don't buy it. So my sister works for the city and was slightly involved with the poop mystery. So I asked her about it.

My sister said the wastewater treatment department tested it to be sure. And it was poop. And we're seeing that it was blue. Whoa. Whoa.

Lastly, the lady was home the one time it happened and heard the poop hitting her house from above. So with info, does it change your opinion on it actually being plain poo-poo? Sort of. Because also I got a bit of a breakdown too because, well, I don't know, because Rob, right after we looked it up, there was a bunch of other, like, I guess right here, there's 27 documented incidents of blue ice impact.

Right? So we call, last time we realized that shit from a plane was called blue ice. Yeah. Now these incidents typically happen under airport landing pads as the mass warms sufficiently to detach from a plane during its descent. So they do drum it because they don't, they have like a little lake before a lot of a

a runways where they dump it is that they're outside is that an airport outside toilet did i just ruin everything i don't know side stories lpotl at gmail.com how do planes go to the bathroom like how do they dump it out where does it go and so but this is shit that's like you know in 1971 a chunk of ice from an airplane tore a large hole in the roof of the essex street chapel um that was huge chunk of ice the size of an orange broke through the roof of a private house in wrong continues so

in germany in february 2013 a football size ball of blue ice smashed through a conservatory roof in clanfield hampshire causing around 10 000 pounds worth of damage now there's a lot just saying that it does happen but these in my mind when i was thinking of blue ice catastrophes it was shit like this like because you know like something like five meteorites hit the earth

And it's always poo-poo? No. Like Joe Dirt? No, no, no, no. But like how like a meteorite will fall from the sky. Like have you ever seen the stories of someone saying how like it ripped through their house or ripped through their car, like a literal thing from space? Yeah. That happens a lot. But I was kind of assumed that damage from blue ice would be more like that, like this. But it seems like maybe it could have just been a screw was loose. Yeah. And that meant the poo was loose. Whoa.

So who knows? I don't know what it means. I don't know anything else about the waste containment of airplanes and what they do. Man, I would say that the chances of an airplane shitting on this woman's house three times is insane. Someone's playing a joke on her at this point. And if it is a pilot that has that pinpoint accuracy. I want to meet him.

Sign him up. That would be, that's where he's, that's who's got to be going and doing our strafing. Yeah. And the over in that, you know, Afghanistan. Yeah, no, we got to get him. Yeah, dude, because we got to, because we need more accuracy. So we have less citizen. Like this is what we need. Yeah. Smaller bombs, smaller, one bomb per person.

Yeah. I think one bomb, they can go down and just blow up one guy. Yeah, we should start dropping grenades instead of missiles. I think that's a fun idea. Yeah. I think it's a fun idea. You know what I think would actually maybe help us? Break some people down instead of bombs or guns whatsoever altogether? Bones? Drop bootleg copies of Madame Web.

all over Afghanistan. Break them down. They'll feel sorry for us. Eventually they will be like, maybe America's not so great. Maybe America actually, we should actually give America a break. So you have Laugh- Afghanistan and Cry-Rak. We gotta get that tattooed on us. Alright, I have that. So there's a bit of an update. Meteors have crashed through houses. Yes, multiple times. It has happened. Oh, it just happened. A 2.2 pound...

meteorite went through a house. It happens. May 8th. And where is this? In Jersey. I don't know. Beware the skies. Even they can open trees. I've confirmed that the meteorite is from outer space and estimated to be 4.56 billion. This is actually a great thing that happened to this person. I think it's cool. That meteorite is worth more than the entire house. Oh, very much so. They're going to end up getting, you know, they're from Jersey. Would you sell it or would you keep it?

Oh, I'd sell it. Right? Yeah. It's like the home run ball. Yeah, I'd definitely sell it. Like the Barry Bonds ball. You sell it. Yeah. I would love to sell that. Now, this meteorite crashes through her house. She now owns this meteorite. Okay? It's probably worth, we'll just call it a million dollars. All right? It's a 2.2 pound meteorite. I'm going to call it a million dollars. Now, does her fucking immediately, not only is her- 50 cents per gram. Per gram. That's it? Yep. For meteorite?

Bare and legal, it's a lot more common than you think it is. Really? Yeah. Chunks of outer space everywhere? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 50 cents per gram. And go up to $40 per gram. It's the price of weed? Yep.

Yeah. It's fucking, yeah. A thousand dollars? It's shake from the universe. Rare stones can fetch a thousand dollars. So that one's like billions of years old. But depends on what the quality of it's still funny. It's still about whether or not you can turn it into a necklace. Yeah. There's 16 grams in an ounce and there's 16 ounces in a pound. And that's the math that being a drug dealer teaches you.

And that's incredible because I don't know anything about that system. Do you know if you're trying to recalibrate your weed scale, you put 10 nickels on it because that's half an ounce. Wow. Yeah. He's practical. Yeah. I forget what it was, but that's how you, 10 nickels you can...

you could recalibrate your weed scale. That's incredible. Well, you learn again, we're learning today. And so we now know nothing else about the five grams. Okay. That's incredible.

Wow, good work. No problem. But now we will get into it. So we did these updates. I have one more little update here. The poop mystery is not solved. I think it's probably closer to no. Because it doesn't sound like it's a full-on blue eyes dump. Yeah. But something happened. And I don't know where it came from. Someone's pranking this woman. Can you shit in a helicopter? Absolutely. You can shit anywhere. But I don't know. I'm not saying. Is there a bathroom? Yeah. I don't think so.

I don't think so. Because I don't know whether or not, can there be a smaller amount of shit? Maybe like a giant helicopter that you put like 20, 30 people on.

Like something where you're taking a fucking small battalion over to take over a city or something? Oh, yeah. One of those might have it? Of course. Most helicopters do not have toilets. Don't have toilets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess if you're over the ocean, it's just one big toilet and you just hang your butt off the side. Yeah, pee off the side. You can shoot guns off the side. That'd be so much fun. God, I wish I could. Shoot a gun off the side of a helicopter? That's all I want to do. Fuck you. I feel like, because recently I've been sort of like down to the dumps, and I think...

That would make me feel better. Know what I would love to get my hands on? A buddy of mine went to war when we were in college and he asked me to make him a kill people playlist. I remember when you submitted to that. I made a CD. I do remember the first one was Children of the Grave. Yeah, dude. It was Black Sabbath. You had Children of the Grave and then you also did, it was the I'm going to cut you into little pieces. One of these days I'm going to cut you into little pieces. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that was fucking sweet. That was fucking good, dude.

I wonder where that guy is. Oh, he's fine. I still hang out with him. Oh, wow. Yeah, he's doing great. He's got a new dog. Not killing? No, very much against it. Oh, very much. Oh, is that the guy that brews our delicious beers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. He makes these delicious wine-like beers. He's got a life of peace. He's sworn a life of peace. You see, that's all you got to do is kill a couple people. That's what I'm saying. Let me get it out of my system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'll be ready to finally experience peace. Right from your grave.

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Now, remember the lady that you said you thought was nice? Yeah, she's great. Now, the jailed Ohio woman explains why she drove a dead man's body to bank to withdraw cash. But I will say it's not really an explanation. This is Karen Cash Bombs. She's the one with the beagle eyes, not the rat eyes. Karen was the cool one.

To you. To me, yeah. Karen was... If you were going to pick one to hang out with, which one would you pick? Honestly, it would be... No, it is Karen. I'm seeing the two of them together because the other one was Laureen Ferallo. Feralla? Ferallo. And she, yeah, she is frowning.

The other one, it just looks like she's kind of lost and scary. They're both frightening. But these are the two lovely women that use the corpse of their live-in, I'm going to still say boyfriend, Douglas Lehman, who was 80 years fun, they used his corpse to go and take the last remaining $900 he had out of his bank account because the bank has let them do it before. I didn't realize it was only $900. Just give it to him. Nothing. Let me just

This guy owes them $900 for dying in their house. Do you ever think that one of these relationships with an 80-year-old and two 65-year-olds that he's...

doing some kind of throuple with in a trailer home. Dude, all people live together. But do you think that they have more? The $900 is his life savings. Yeah. That's the most money he's ever had ever. That's his money. None of these people are ever going to turn out to be worth a lot of money. Ever. Especially if they tell you that they're worth a lot of money. You don't think these ladies deserve that $900? I think that they... No, I think for what they did, honestly, they put a lot of work in. So,

So they she was immediately recorded. So she was on the Ashtabula jail about her involvement in the death of 80 year old man of the 80 year old Douglas Lehman. And so they asked her, they're kind of like, what did why did you do that? An identified an unidentified family member asked Cosbom when Lehman died. She responded, oh, he died when I said he died.

Kaz Bom, who is wheelchair bound, also allegedly told her family member that Lehman's body was too heavy for Ferallo to hold. So the two women decided to ask a male friend to help them. So there's a third person in here that we don't know where that person is at. Wild. The relative asks, why, Kaz Bom? Why, Karen? Did you not just go to the police when your friend died? And Kaz Bom says, I just figured I'd go to the bank and then to the hospital and drop him off.

I just forgot to leave his name. And the family member said, he died before you went to the bank, dude. I know. Cosbom replied. Yeah. So they're basically, there was no explanation why. She saved the EMTs a trip. She brought the guy to the hospital. How much is an ambulance ride? More than $900.

bucks. I still find it dubious. She's saving money. I still find it dubious. You know, it's not good. No. Where is this person? Where is this third person? I want them to come forward. No. They are both being charged with gross abuse of a corpse.

Yeah, she's looking like slob zombie. She could use some beach wave. You know what I mean? She needs some of that stuff that you spray in her hair and it looks like you were dressed at the beach. They are not... I think she's looking more like Claudia Osborne. They are not... They're not really saying much. And it does... I still believe that they...

We've had a lot of chatter from people sending emails, and I think all of us agree. If I am getting boned out, but these last two women on the fucking... Just let them have the money. I don't read the emails. Are people mad at me? No. Do they agree with me? No, no, no. Mostly people are saying they must have had... They probably had an arrangement. No one was looking for this money. It seems like he probably said at some point, he was like...

When I die, take my corpse to the bank. He probably said those words. Yeah. At some point. He should have just wrote down the fucking pin code and they could have just taken his gun. He already did. They've been going to the bank for him for months. Well, he still needed his face there. I guess they didn't because they actually they were known quantities at the bank. Yeah. So, you know, you know, I feel like how do we put this?

These two women were maybe, there was probably many opportunities for there to be a conversation about boundaries. Yeah. And no one really sat and had it.

including the bank manager. They let him sort of do banking for another man that they got to know for a long time. Do we find out what kind of bank it is? Is it like a Wells Fargo or is it like a credit union? You probably don't want to know. I don't know. I don't think we want the empty drive-thru bank. Where is this bank? Yeah. It doesn't say. So that means it's a big one. That means it's like a Chase or a Bank of America. They do not say where the bank was.

I'm guessing Bank of America. But I do understand you're supposed to work with the local people and help as a bank. You're supposed to help. But they probably should have... They basically said, we put his corpse in the car, took him in a bank in a lackadaisical manner where they assumed they would eventually get him to the hospital.

Yeah. So this is the problem. And they did do that. No. They brought him to the hospital. No, it's after they called the police that they were like, we think he's dead in the car when they came to the bank. Oh, I thought they just dropped him off at the hospital. No, no, no, no, no, no. And what, the cops were like, bring him to the hospital or they were like, stay right there? They got to the hospital and they're like, okay, we're going to need to check this out for a second. Hmm.

All right. So let's get to some other stories. Yeah. I mean, we're talking about old ladies, so might as well talk about cats. Yeah, sure. Yeah. There's a lot of cat news this week. You know what's nice? Truly nice is that we do have several animal crime related stories this week.

Not one of them is about fucking them. None of them are fucking these animals. I'm so happy. This is so nice. Yeah. Because it's so hard to not do one of these stories. Because it always ends up, and then he started fucking the cat. It's so funny because you want to be like, I don't want to tell this story. I'm sick of talking about people fucking. It's always so interesting. But the thing, and you're like, well, I mean, well, now we're here. These details are kind of fun. Yeah. But no one's been fucking these cats, but people have.

Been shaving them. This is a really weird story. The phantom cat shaver. This comes from Daily Mail. The phantom cat shaver. So you know it's legit. Oh, my God. It's so funny. I read Daily Mail all day long and just like yell at it. It's so funny. It's so awful. But the phantom cat shaver strikes again as dozens of owners across the UK claim that their pets have been targeted online.

I want to hear from our UK listeners. I'd love to know. I'd love to know. Has your cat been shaved? Have you heard about this happening? But yeah, the shocked residents in Lambourne and Hungerford have been taken to social media to warn the feline haters return after claiming their beloved pets have been mysteriously shaved. Now, it's really weird. It happens in the night, apparently. Yeah. People, they've been waking up to their... And one of these...

I would say like one's got a stripe on its back that is shaved off, which is really strange. It's bigger than like a razor. So it looks like they've had to have like got them a couple of times. They have to be able to like a cat has to like them a little bit for him to get this much done. And the part that really, truly disturbs me is the one where they shaved the pussy's pussy.

Yeah, they shaved its belly. Well, they shaved the pussy. If you look, the pussy's still hairy. I hate that. It's the belly. I'm not looking. But look right there. That's where the cat's vagina is. But still, it shaved its pubic hair, essentially. It's belly hair. Put the nipples free. It just wants to see the nipples. It shaved. This is just not a way I want to see an animal. First of all, this is a horrible picture that I'm looking at. It's just a cat's open wide vagina. I wish that it wasn't shaved.

Because again, I'm just looking at this. I'm upset. You know, I don't want you to be a Rosario Dawson as my pet. No. You know, I want to have, you know, and not that I think that this is sexy. I don't think it's sexy that its vagina is shaved, but I think that it's inappropriate. Yeah. Because then part of me wonders, is the call coming from inside the house? Well, I mean, if you're in Southeast Britain, that's where it's mostly happening. But no, I'm saying if you're...

Who can get close enough? I honestly, I don't think I could get close enough to shave Wendy's pussy. I think we should be looking into people who work for their version of the ASPSA, PCA. How do you say those letters together? ASPCA. Cats and dogs peoples. Cats and dogs peoples. So you're saying that it's an inside job for one of the very large animal welfare companies

You gotta be good with cats in order to get one to shave it. I agree. I think that you gotta be the most gentle barber that's ever been. I couldn't imagine trying to tie down a cat. L-P-O-T-L at gmail.com if you've ever shaved a cat. You live in the L.A. area. Will you help me?

Shave me. How do you do this? So there's been like 217 incidents, they think, of individual places and then recorded 100 incidents. So like 100 people have reported it to the police, mostly in Southeast Britain. There has been one in Scotland. There's been one rogue.

cat shaving maybe he was on vacation i can only imagine that the people carrying out these attacks are doing it for their own self gratification or some kind of cheap thrill yeah it's not running a camaro personally i think they are sick and need to be caught as quickly as possible because this is one of these crimes what does it matter though what do you mean what does it matter if you shave a cat

So you would be fine if someone broke into your house in the middle of the night and shaved around Rambo's asshole. These people aren't breaking into houses. These are indoor, outdoor cats. So this is part of like you're putting your cat out there. What if you had a daughter? Uh-huh.

And a man came in in the night while she was in her dorm. You're already talking about a different thing here. I'm just saying, if you had a daughter and you don't know what her Bush style is, you're 69 years old at this point. Yeah. Right? Because you haven't had the kids until you're 51. Not yet. But she goes off to college, which is the same version of being, that's the human version of being an indoor-outdoor cat. Yeah. Right? And so in the middle of the night, someone just shaved a stripe of her bush off.

I mean, you slap him to death. It's a human being. It's a cat. It's a totally different situation. But someone goes.

This is a bigger issue. There's something else going on. If I have an indoor-outdoor dog. This isn't a bestiality story, but it's right next to it. It's definitely interesting. What if there's like, are we sure they're shaving it? Is there some kind of like weird tick? Look at it. Yeah, they look shaved. That's a shaved spot. Yeah. Another little patch off. There's an old patch here that's shaved off. Mm-hmm.

Gizmo came home and it looked like she'd been shaved in the top of her back leg. Yeah, a vet says there's no chance that the bald patch occurred naturally. People have been saying that she must have been involved in a cat fight, but the hair is out by the root, so it's very blatant she was shaved. Yeah, there was a while ago, there was an incident when an elderly lady was shaving cats going into her garden to punish them. She was spoken to by police and said she stopped, so it's not her.

So there is like this one comment. Cats fur coats are beautiful and make cats so nice to stroke and cuddle. I mean, if you if you there's one lady holding a shaved cat that looks like she looks like she got the haircut in the same place. Yeah. Yeah. She's fine. That's scary. It's a very bad shape. That's a bad. That one's bleeding. So this person deserves to be beaten. What is going on here?

Guys, I don't know what the end game is. Because whenever I hear these weird stories that we talk about on the show, I always like to envision the end game. Of course. Why are we doing it? We ask the question all the time. Who benefits in this scenario? Why would you shave the cat? I don't think anyone benefits. Is it like Banksy? Also, anyone who has a bunch of scratches on their arm,

suspect. But I know you definitely. You know, there's no way these people are getting away scot-free, especially the cat. Also, wouldn't you hear the cat in the night? I mean, cats fucking fight in the night all the time. What are you talking about? Some of these don't have balls. I'm looking at them. They got neutered. Yeah, of course. Some of these are neutered. They're not out there fucking and fighting. Well, they fight. That's for damn sure.

Wow. Yeah. Someone else, Tammy Callum's cat Flo was shaved after going outside a new costal costalry Norfolk. Perfect. She said that she came back looking like she'd been shaved in a square shape. You could tell it's not from being scratched or bit. You can clearly see the square shape where the clippers clipped her fur.

I just don't understand why people would do this to her. Wow, it's all over Coast to Coast AM. Wow, it made it to Coast to Coast AM. Hell yeah. That's huge. Look at that. Now you're showing, what I love is that the picture that they're using as an example is a cat on a newspaper. It is a cat on a newspaper in which he is demonstrating what it looks like when you shave a cat.

Someone's got to go talk to this guy. It's a Getty image. Who is? Is there a Getty image? Who is selling this? What? From what premiere is this picture? This is literally, it's just a picture of a man shaving a patch into a cat's back. What does this do?

Well, the RSPCA is urging pet owners to be vigilant and report any incidents of the cat shaving to the charity or the police. Now, what is the other cat story? We have this. This is one cat crime. This is one cat crime. There's three cat stories. Actually, there may even be leaking in the four. This one happened in... Just two, two. Just two, two. This one, it happened in East Haven. Armed intruders. Wait, so this is also British?

I believe so. It just says East Haven. This is Connecticut. Connecticut. Okay, okay, okay. Connecticut, yeah. The old same. The old same. Well, they're all taken from the same names.

You know where old York is? Over there. What's called York. Yes. Armed intruders break into East Haven home looking to steal an expensive cat. Now, this is apparently, this type of crime is on the rise too. This is a real crime. The other thing is, it's a nuisance. It's not a crime. It's not.

It's not not a crime, though. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not a major crime. It's not abuse, is it? It is. You think so? The cat with blood and the clippers got to nick the skin? Abuse. Side stories, LPOTL at gmail.com. This is a very gray area. There's a lot of people that are going to attack, and we're going to find out exactly why it's a crime. It's a very tabby area. But it is...

I just think that straight up, I will say, frowned upon. Oh, definitely frowned upon. No one likes it. But I'm talking about legal recourse. So I want a barrister out there. I want to know, what is the crime that you would... I guess it would be abuse of an animal, but we'll fight that. It would be animal abuse. But now the idea of stealing a very fancy cat. Yeah, so this person, they live in these apartment buildings. Bad stuff's always happening in these apartment buildings, by the way. Half of this article...

is about how awful these apartment buildings are. Yeah, I don't think they're good. But someone broke in. They didn't say what type of cat it was, but someone broke into someone's house around 3.45 p.m. last week, and the victim told police that two males tried to get in through the rear sliding door and they attempted to get the suspects out. One kicked through the glass. Jesus Christ. And then once inside, the suspect pulled out guns and demanded the residents hide.

high dollar value cat. Now, I don't understand what cat flipping is going to do. I looked up cat breeds by most expensive breeds and I guess the one is, I don't know how you pronounce it, but the Ashera cat, which looks sort of like a little leopard and it's a mixture of like, it's like, good looking cat. It's an African serval, an Asian leopard cat and domestic cat, I guess all fuck.

Yeah, it's a real good... You got to take them out to a nice restaurant. A share of $75,000 to $125,000. $125,000 cat. Now, my question is, like how you say the second that you drive off the lot, that car depreciates.

Right. So that's why, you know, like it's hard if you get a fancy car, right. And as soon as you drive it off a lot, you're going to smell, you're going to end up selling it for less. Yeah. And once you got it for, you got in a share a cat, it's been in a box and doing stuff like does not lose money. But you want a fresh one. I think if it's,

Under 10, it's still got to be pretty expensive. You don't think that if it's been pet a bunch, does it lose some quality? No. If anything, it gains quality because it's better with humans. You think so? Yeah, I do. I don't think people are buying it because you're not going to buy a $125,000 cat because it's good with kids.

That makes no sense. No, you're doing, you're single. You, or you're just, you just have too much money. You're a Saudi. Yeah. Millionaire, billionaire. You just don't know what to do with your money. Cause they think they, they, they let people like about the Ashera cat is that it looks like a lemur or something, but it's got like a nice vibe and like it's chill.

or whatever, but still, it doesn't matter. It's $125,000 for a cat. So you're not doing it for practical reasons. No. You're showing the cat off. No, for sure. It's like buying a Picasso. But I think even a Picasso is worth more

Than a $125,000 cat. I have no idea. I just, what's the difference between that cat and a normal ass cat? Nothing. Exactly. It might be a little cooler. But if you go to. It looks, it's a fuck good looking cat. But if you're taking a cat to go hedge it.

Right? If you're taking a cat down to a guy to launder the cat, you're not going to lose money in the exchange. It seems weird, but animals of theft of pets have gone up. Now, I remember this always being an issue with dogs. People stealing dogs all the time. Lady Gaga's dog walker got shot and robbed for the dog. Yeah.

I just don't understand in the cat flipping and dog flipping business, like, how does one do that? Like, because I feel like they're chipped, obviously. We know where they are. Not all cats and dogs are chipped. But unless it's a purebred. If you go, I don't know. Signed Stewart Dale POTLG. Does your cat lose value if it is chipped? But I don't know. What is an Athera cat? New type of cat. Oh, that's what it is. It's a brand new cat. So the reason why it's expensive is that it's through Lifestyle Pets.

which is based in California. Latest designer pet for feline aficionados. What is this shit? Oh, yeah. Only 100 cats are sold each year. And a secret domestic cat breed. What is this, KFC? It's a secret ingredient? Half of the cats are sold to Americans and the other half are sold overseas. Whoa. And they said, according to this website, it also claims to be the largest domestic cat. These guys can weigh as much as 30 to 40.

40 pounds. That's dangerous. And can measure up to four feet tall while standing on their hind legs. That's a lot of pussycat. That's a lot of pussycat. That's what it says at the very end. That's what it says there, yeah. But I think now that I know the cat's so big, I can see it being worth more money. What do you mean, like by the pound? Yeah. Like we're going to take it to Arts Deli? I figure Great Dane is worth more than a chihuahua. No. Yes. I don't think so. Yeah, it is. Why would it not?

Chihuahuas are fucking in the streets. They form gangs. Well, I think a Great Dane could be in the streets. No, it can't. It would just die. It would just die from eating cans. The guys didn't find the cat and steal it, by the way. They got away and they got caught. Well, you know, it's still $1,000 to $2,000 for a Great Dane puppy. It's a purebred puppy.

How much money is a Chihuahua? Looking at this. What's nice about Chihuahuas, they live almost twice as long as a Great Dane. Yeah. Because their hearts are too strong and they're too good. I understand that you're a Chihuahua owner, so I'll be nice, but I mean, come on. What are we doing here? But they cost about the same amount of money. A designer Chihuahua

It's also about $1,000 to $2,500. If anyone spends $1,000 on a free Chihuahua, I'm going to fucking lose my mind. If anyone I know, like, how much was Carmen? Nothing. Exactly. Yeah. They're free. Well, yeah, we saved a rescue dog. Chihuahuas are free. Well, any dog's free. Not any dog. Well, I'm just saying certain dogs are free. It's hard to find. I mean, Rambo was $106. But what is the point of a purebred?

Because you're showing off or you're watching it fuck. Like you're at Club Silencio. A lot of purebreds are inbred. Of course. A lot of purebreds are inbred. So they're worse. Oh, yeah. They're all jacked up. They got bad legs. You know what I mean? They'll shoot up a school. Yeah. I'm on catster.com right now. Oh, yeah. And it's eight cat breeds that get stolen the most often with pictures. Number one, Bengal cat.

The domestic short hair No one's stealing these What are they called again? Ashire cats? You can't steal them because they are Near the imaginary world They smoke a lot of weed The ragdolls stolen a lot The Russian blue The Siamese cat stolen a lot The Sphinx cat, the hairless cat I just want to know more about animal flipping

I want to know why you do this. Where does the money come from? Dogs, I understand, because like you... They're the same, though. Honestly, I can see why. We are dog people, so I... But they are just as rare. A lot of times... There aren't cat fighting rings. There are dog fighting rings. There must be cat fighting rings.

There has to be cat fighting rings. We know about cat juggling. There has to be. We learned about that in the jerk. Down in the lesbian underground. Right? Amongst the like, because I'm certain that they have the same. I would love to get into the lesbian underground. Nothing would make me more excited. By the way, lesbians take a lot of shit for being grumpy. I love you, lesbians.

I think you're the best. Do they? I love the party. Eddie, is that true, Rob? Is it Rob? Do lesbians take a lot of shit for being grumpy? For being bad? Is that what he's saying? I've heard it. Is that what you heard? I don't know. I've never heard that. Have you heard that? You're putting him on the spot. He ain't going to fucking fess up to it. I'm just saying that seems to be almost like a backhanded compliment in a way. It's not a backhanded compliment. Oh, I've just heard. I'm sticking up for these people. But

But it's more like saying, oh, like, I'll apologize for Henry for fucking being an asshole. Even I'm just sitting here being nice. I don't apologize for you. I'm just saying as an example, as an example. But the thing that down, I'm not apologizing for lesbians. There are grumpy ones that I've met, but on a whole, I'm down with the community. I want to go to your parties. That's all I'm trying to say.

I know that having me around might ruin the party. Yes, there are illegal catfighting rings. Of course there are catfighting rings. They are not common or known to be run by lesbians. No, not anymore. Yes. Because the men found it.

But I will say the I'm saying down the line It'd be fun to be amongst a bunch of Lesbian gangsters Rolling dice, hanging out with the cats Watching Euphoria Euphoria I don't watch Euphoria Fucking cooking shows They watch what we watch Glass blowing shows They're just as grumpy as us Lesbians are just as grumpy as us Golf

They do watch golf. Yeah. Which is why they're grumpy. I'm going to have to cut this whole episode. You're literally going to have to cut this whole fucking episode. I apologize, Seth. Oh, God. I'm sorry. Yeah, you see? Now we're covered. Yeah. Now we're covered. Fly from your grave.

Hey, listeners, love this pod and want even more? You can be the first to unlock exclusive bonus content, early access, and ad-free listening to the latest podcasts from your favorite shows. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast Plus on our Apple Podcast Show page or the SiriusXM app now. Um, there's another cat story. Oh, yeah? Yeah. There's a bunch of women got attacked by a cougar. Well, this is a great story.

This is honestly a really, really great story. This one's fucked up. It's fucking badass. These four ladies got attacked by a cougar. No, we're not talking about Courtney Cox. We are talking about an actual cat. In Washington State, one woman was blindsided while riding her bike. There's a bike riding club, and she was blindsided by a cougar who tackled her off of her bike.

and then started biting her mouth like it was giving her CPR. This shit was fucking scary. It was trying to kill her. So apparently, it is very often that people know about cougars when they go on these trails because most of the time, the way you can tell is by those nipple bras they buy from Skims. No, it is an animal. This doesn't happen often. You were

It does not. You are a thousand times more likely to get struck by lightning than get attacked by a cougar. Yeah, something like 20 attacks happened over several years because this happened in...

Washington State. This happened in Washington State. Yeah. It hasn't happened that often in terms of being attacked by cougars. A couple people have died, but for the most part, they leave us alone. Yes. So this group of women were on a cycling trip, and they saw this cougar. There were two cougars. So what they're told is that when they see a cougar, you're supposed to get big. You're supposed to go like...

I make them run away. All bears, all the same shit. Some of them. Some bears. Because there's certain bears that'll kill you no matter what. Like a polar bear will kill you no matter what. Well, at that point, you're dead anyway. Yes. And so they saw the cougar, but then it was like, it looks like the younger cougar decided to just...

And then went right for her face. She chomped in her face. She said that, like, according, she could feel the jaws snap, breaking her teeth in her mouth. And she felt the blood going down her mouth. But these ladies, these, like, just normal, like, just straight, they attacked this woman.

this cougar they fucking do one of them had like a two-inch knife and was just stabbing it a bunch and they had pinned it down with their bike until for 45 minutes this cougar fight happened oh yeah they were this was a long drag out fight they were kicking it punching it in the head the other one was saying they were trying to stick but it was like it's kind of crazy because they said it was clamped down in her face and they were

punching it in the side of the head and they were sticking their fingers in its nostrils and its eyeballs and it wasn't letting go. So the other lady was like, what's the heaviest thing I could lift? And she found a rock that she estimated to be about 25 pounds. She said she took all of her strength and she was dropping on the cougar's back. She tried to get it to release and it still didn't release. And then I guess it just got tired.

Yeah, I mean, 45 minutes. Thank God there was five of them. Well, it released. And then finally when they released, that was when they pinned it to the side using the bikes. They basically piled the bikes on top of the cougar. And then it was really sad because then they're all crying and stuff because, of course, they're all like animal lovers. Oh, I'm the emotionalist, haven't I?

No one wants to hurt the cougar. You kidding me? I'd be so sad. Especially because they had to pin it down while the ranger came and fucking shot it in the back of the head execution style. They did shoot it right there in front of them. They had to. This is a problem cougar. There's nothing they could do. One lady put it correct, which

which is like, I had to choose between myself and the cougar. Yeah. And I chose myself. Dude, one, while this cougar had this woman's mouth on, like in its mouth, another one put her hands in the cougar's mouth and open the fucking jaw. Yeah, dude, these shit, this is fucking crazy. It's,

It said, I felt it shifting its teeth like it wanted to bite me too. I said, no, you're not going to get both of us. No, girl, no. And then Anna Teets grabbed her leg. Yeah. Wow. I guess they were right. Lesbians are grumpy. I do love that this woman's name is Teets. Oh, God. These are, this is one of those where I...

I'm proud of these ladies. One lady got jacked up. She's fucked up. She's like, these are my friends for life. I mean, her face looks...

It's crazy. But that's a hardcore woman now. And guess what she gets to be in charge of now? The Quilt Group. The Quilt Group. She's deciding who's doing it. If we're doing cabins or if we're doing dolls with weird faces this year. She's the one who's deciding. Definitely dolls with new faces. Yes. Are we going to go to Albuquerque this year or are we going to go to Sedona? She's choosing. All right. And you don't get in her way because she almost beat a cougar to death. And if she can't, if that doesn't put her at the top of the fucking bake sale this week, I'm going to go to Sedona.

I don't know what to tell any of y'all Man, this is fucking badass Shout out to all you ladies for saving your friend This woman definitely would have died if they weren't there Oh yeah, they would have ripped it It was going through her face and throat and shit It would have fucking killed the shit out of her If teats and the other ladies didn't get in there they would have been fucked And sometimes it takes a pair of teats

To save a woman. I think that's incredible. And this is really, really, really compelling. And I'm glad that they're all alive. Yeah. All right. Let me see what I got here. I got gross stuff. What time? Oh, how much longer we got? It's time for mail. Oh, wow. We got to like nothing today.

That's fine. Cat news. Cat stuff. We literally had so many other things to talk about today. 50 people were killed in anti-sorcery rituals. We just kind of... We just got to skip past that. Skip past it. Completely skip past that. We skip past the story of the guy. That's so, like, good for us. Oh, yes. No, cats. We just talked about cats. Yeah. And not even in a bad way.

I think that I want to say we've grown up. Yeah. Because we didn't attack cats. We didn't say cats were stupid. This is me being pro-cats. I like cats. I'm fine with cats. I got no problem with cats. No, we didn't even get to the story of the Colorado grocery store employee in cues of ejaculating on unsealed food items. And then a child bought a bunch of the stuff that he had splooged all over. And then he got 16 accounts of like, he's going to be a sex offender.

I mean, of course, you're jerking off on food at a grocery store. Honestly, I don't really understand what makes you hard about a sealed bag of cereal. Honestly, I got to smell it to get hard. Oh, so he came on sealed stuff. I thought you said unsealed. No, it's unsealed. Oh, yeah, yeah. So he's jerking off on like grapefruit and stuff. Yeah. That's good. That's going to ruin it.

I also got reached out to by a listener that was like, I want you to be the first one to know I'm here. I can't tell you that, uh, like where I work or what I do, but I'd like, I, I needed you to know that I'm on the ground floor. And if you want to reach out to somebody about this story, uh,

Will you like not mention me and say, but like, this is so, have you already mentioned them too much? No, no, no, no, not at all. Um, what's the story? Oh, we also never covered it. We never covered the, um, lewd moviegoer, the guy who jerked off that was found asleep with his dick out. Everyone's talking about that. I just feel like it should be compliments to the chef. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was for the, um, the sexy, the sexy lesbian movie, the sexy lesbian movie. I don't know who said that about them being grumpy.

I don't know whoever would have ever said that. These people out there are fucking hideous. That would say that? That would say that. Yeah, I can't believe we would. Who would ever say that? Yeah. I can't even believe that. Love you people. Thankfully this incident happened on my day off.

As far as I can tell, my coworkers over there that day are more confused than anything in doing well. My dad, mom, and brother are also fans of the show. And in the off chance this would be covered, we would laugh our asses off. So it just let you know that this, the person here, we have front people. We have people on the front lines at the Camp Hill Chipotle for the guy, the former manager that just arrived naked. Oh. And he just sat in the booth. Former manager? Yeah.

showed up naked after he arrived. He became former manager. He was current manager. Oh, when he just showed up naked? He was probably on drugs or something. I don't know.

I imagine that's drugs. No. Yeah, you get so hot, you take your clothes off. No, you ever had a really great mint? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes that just drives me up the wall. Okay, so a manager exposed his genitals and masturbated publicly at a Camp Hill Chipotle. Yeah, Chipotle. And then, yeah, we just saying we got people out there, you know, our front lines. So one of the co-workers hit you up and they're like, yo, my fucking boss jerked off in front of us. I'll tell you all about it. Yep.

And I would say thank you. Yeah. So it's one out of 40 people there ratted out their manager. We would have never known about this. Never would have known. And now I know. And it's on the show and a million people are going to listen to it. Yes. And I just, you know, that's why I want to reach out to our frontline people out there. Everybody always talks about nurses. No, we talk about it.

But the people that work at Chipotle, people who work at these fast food restaurants, we know they're heroes. And how hard it is. I'm not a Chipotle guy. No, none of us are. I don't like it. I don't like Chipotle at all. But I still think that they're good people. Oh, they're hard workers. They're the strongest of the strong. The people who work at fast food. My God. Imagine how hard the people at Chipotle get screamed at. All day long. All day long. All day long. And then you have your brother. Because then he partially thinks that maybe it's because your boss need to blow off steam. Yeah.

You know, or maybe he decided I'm going to have it my way today, which is naked with my dick out. I'm going to touch myself in front of a bunch of customers. Yeah. And again, what do you know as working at Chipotle, customers always are right. You know where this don't happen? Jersey Mike's.

It's hard because there's not a lot of seats. Jersey Mike's mostly is a takeaway sandwich. So it is not quite. Yeah. I mean, so it is. We would be more difficult. Mm hmm. So flutist oral skills. On the last episode of Side Stories, you talk about whether or not flutists would be particularly adept at cunnilingus. And while I cannot speak to that, I can tell you about my time dating a trumpet player in college.

At one point, I had to have a conversation with him banning him from performing oral on me because he couldn't stop treating my clitoris like a brass instrument. And even I, who played trumpet for like two months in the sixth grade before I quit, could tell that he was using the same tongue motions and it felt too ridiculous after that. Did she feel kind of blue?

Do you think that's how she came? Zazuze!

We also have to talk because he was into leaving hickeys, but his insane trumpet mouth muscles meant that half my neck would be bruised to shit so bad that I was mistaken for a victim of domestic abuse on multiple occasions instead of just a lady who was having what was otherwise pretty okay sex.

with a guy with chronic trumpet mouth. I never understood the hickey thing. I never did either. It hurts. I could never give a hickey because I could never suck hard enough. Really? I gave a hickey upon request once in high school. Yeah. But like, it's just like weird. I've never, I'm not a hickey person. I've never understood the hickey thing. Yeah. I don't know why. Some people like to get their... I don't like biting. I don't like hurting. I like things to be

Pleasant and nice. Yeah. I like it to be not, I don't want to be bit. They can feel good, look good, and are a sign of youthful recklessness, according to BuzzFeed News. I mean, of course it's youthful recklessness. But what do you mean they don't feel good? They hurt. Yeah.

Well, they feel good as they're happening. This is gross. Hickies can also be a sneaky, fun expression of sexuality for adults. What does that even mean? A sneaky, fun expression. It's not sneaky, fun. Who has a hickey? Oh, it's like, you know, widows are always getting hickeys. Does this make me a prude? I mean, like, I like boobies out. I like to see your butts. I'll see penises and stuff. Like, I like mesh.

But I don't want to see, I don't care about hickeys. I also don't care if you have a hickey. It's like saying I'm taken if you have a hickey, right? Not really. It looks like you got taken last night. But then the rest of it, it's like you don't know where the rest of your day is. It is always fun to see someone with a hickey working at a Chipotle or something. Of course. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, because they're making it. I also see a hickey. That's a problem for me. Sometimes if you see a high-powered person with a hickey,

Looks like they paid a sex worker. Maybe it says sex worker's not alive anymore. If you're a high-powered person, you have a hickey, wear some makeup. Well, they do. Then why do you have a hickey? If you don't want to show people the hickey. Well, that's someone else marking their territory.

It's called a wedding ring. It's free. I'll tell you that much. Tell me about that, brother. That's another fucking sad story there, friend. Look at this. Hickeys can also be sort of a trophy, a reminder of what you did last night or the night before. Yes, they are. Of course.

But still, yeah, it's for children. Hickies can help release endorphins like Oxycontin. You know what else can release? Oxytocin. Like oxytocin. You know what else releases endorphins like oxytocin? Kissing.

Having sex Just normal sex I think Spanx are better I like Spanx better than hickeys Spanx like tight underpants? That's how I flatten my lines for acting But no I'm saying the action Oh spanking But I don't even want to be spanked myself I saw Spanx store at the airport I was like what? It helps you on as a compression socks

I do get the compression socks. Have you ever tried these compression masks? No. Oh, they're great. They're just like, so close to being dead. So nice. Such a welcome break. It's like Peck of the Snowball. Yeah, right there. He just mashes his nose. I'm getting past hickeys. I'm sure we're already going to get a lot of email on hickeys. I'm glad you read them. Peeing without a penis happening. It's happening. Ghost story. Oh, here we go. I'm hearing it.

I've had a wild ride and seen the worst of humanity for fun and profit. But what follows is why I know without question that ghosts are real. Okay. I'm a divorced dad. We love you, buddy. We'll get there soon. And I had my kids for the weekend at a new apartment.

I wake up in a full pull-a-gun mode in the middle of the night, only to see my five-year-old son sleepwalking, silhouetted in my doorway. I catch my breath and I ask him if everything is okay, thinking he's still asleep. He responds with, the little kid in my room won't stop laughing. And I'm instantly on full alert. I laugh nervously and get up to walk him back to his room.

As we crossed the threshold of his door, every lizard brain danger instinct in my body is fighting harder than I've ever experienced. And it feels like I've walked into a deep freezer.

I scooped up his brother, took them to my room, and we sat up wide awake until daybreak. Oh, I'm sure you were very comforting for them. Were you divorced with because you jumped to conclusions? I like this. I'm with you. I'm not a guy who's spooked by bumps in the night. Usually my job is to do the bumping. Oh, come on. What does that mean? Because he's saying that he fucks a lot. No, I don't know. Or does he fight? Or is he...

are you a divorced dad that's also a stripper or a gigolo or something like that? Please, sidestories, L-P-O-T-L to gmail.com. We don't see enough of that. Yeah. You never see single male prostitute with a heart of gold. Yeah. I would love, where is that? Where's it up? There needs to be a reversed pretty woman. There are some good male. Funny guy. There's the Richard Gere movie. No, reverse it. Lady with the guy. He played American Gigolo. No. Yeah, but that's. Wow, he was in both of them. Whoa.

I didn't think about that. Crazy! Yeah, wow. But still, I like this. Let a man be treated nice. You know what I mean? Take him out to the mall. See what fits in his body. I don't know. This guy seems like this is the last time he's going to hang out with his kids. I like this. I like this. But this had me shaking. Flash forward a month or so. I'm taking the trash out and the maintenance guy rolls up in his golf cart and he asks if I want to have a beer.

Not something I'd normally do, but there seemed to be something familiar behind his dead eyes. Yada, yada. He's a retired detective. And we swapped fucked up life encounters. Drank a case of Bud Heavies and smoked cheap cigars. I get up to excuse myself for the evening and the real ass gets blurted out. Hey, do you mind if my wife comes to look around your place? Confusion, goosebumps. Uh, what? I replied. Turns out,

Her son is incarcerated along with his girlfriend because the girlfriend's child, age three, died under unusual abusive circumstances in my apartment, specifically what is now my kids' room. Yeah, sure, thanks, whatever I said. I fumbled as I raced home to Google that shit. And there it was, all confirmed. I haven't looked at things the same way again.

It's very interesting. It is interesting. I'm sorry I made fun of you, buddy. It's part of my job. No, no, he loves it. We like it. We'll all suck down beers together. That makes a lot of sense. I love the idea of getting to know your maintenance guy because that's how you get leverage. Yeah, absolutely. And now if you don't tip him, he's never going to bring beers back. No, you're going to have to. Now you're locked in for a Christmas gift. You're locked in for a Thanksgiving mention. And that's fine. Just keep that up. Yeah. Sorry about your haunted room. I think it's awesome.

So, congrats. Good work. Do you ever think about shaving a cat and throwing it in there and see what happens? Come on, let's try something new. Be British for a while. It's every day. Love the fact that when I go and I look at my dogs, I know if anybody's shaving them, it's me. And I laugh. Just thinking about someone coming to try to shave their dogs against their will. Just thinking about what it'd be like because I know what Wendy and Carmi might do. Just let them do it. Oh my God, like a full Clockwork Orange situation, but they just shave your animals? Yes.

We're going to live knowing that that soon is going to be real. Try the wine. It's going to happen. We're going to make it. We learned a lot today. What a great episode. If you want to see us talk about and discover why lesbians are grumpy, go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left.

And you're going to want to go and check out TikTok and LP on the left. It's almost gone, baby. We might not have to plug this for very much longer. We'll find out. Hopefully soon. You're just going to eliminate the TikTok because no one cares? No, TikTok might be going away. Oh, TikTok might be going away. Yeah. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. We'll see what happens.

If you want to go see our show, we do it on Twitch. Twitch.tv slash LPNTV. It's a lot of fun. And if you want to go out there and see us live, we're going to have a brand new live show. I'm really excited for this. It's going to be amazing. We're going to have a lot of fun. We're going to have some, just so you know, like on the lookout, we're going to have some tryout shows in LA, Connors.

kind of like we've done in the past. So those will be coming out. We're going to be doing a little bit of the run-up. We're going to be doing some fun special events. Look out for that. Not allowed to say it yet because none of it has been confirmed, but it is going to be

but it is on its way. But go and check out JK ultra the tour on last podcast on the left.com. You can go to those live shows and go hit it up. We're going to be in your area. It's going to be fun. Yeah. I can't wait to get the road with you guys. And also just to write some new material with you, buddy. It's been so long. I'm so happy to be doing this shit. What do you think we did today?

This was Riff. It was Riff City. What are you talking about? Each moment of this show is so highly prepared. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I gave away the soup. Yeah. Nothing's in front of me.

Everything's been scripted. I get a Putin's guy sends me a script each week. Yeah, he's got two kids, one's in a haunted bedroom. Love this guy. New Brighter Side stories. Yes. Every Wednesday coming out, you get done with this, go ahead and go over and listen to Brighter Side stories.

Every Wednesday it's going to start coming out. That's Amber Nelson and I giving a shorter episode where we go over some of the week's good news and things that made us happy this week. I love that. Yeah, it's a nice short 30-minute episode. It'll be fun. I love it. And then this Saturday...

Tallahassee, Florida. Oh, yeah, that's right. You're going to tell him to ask me. Yeah, I'm doing it, baby. This Saturday, 8 p.m. the 23rd of March. Go to Latter-day Night Fever at Bird's Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack. I am so excited to get sick on oysters. Go blow up their show. Seriously, if you're in the Florida area. It's a free show. No one has any idea that he's coming. I'm hosting now. The guy who

What? I'm the host now. You got promoted to the host? I got promoted to host. What? No, that's a demotion. You went from headliner. No, I was never the headliner. John Strickland's always been the headliner. It's his birthday. He's going to fucking crush it. Got it. All right. Do you know John Strickland? I have no idea who these people are. Okay, good, good, good. This is going to blow up this show.

Yeah. Go show up at Bird's Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack. It's got a big pink sign. Our boy Evan Rossi did a set there last week. He said it was awesome. Oh, great. It's going to be a lot of fun. Comedian Mitch is also on the show. Nothing I like better than finding out what you are with just your name.

But yeah, I can't wait to host this show. We're going to have so much fun. And just come hang out with me. I'll give you a Brighter Side sticker. Maybe. Maybe, if I remember to put it in my luggage. Yeah. But I love you guys. This has been so much fun. Hail Satan. Hail Satan again. Hail Tallahassee. Yeah, sure. Fuck yeah, dude. I guess it's fine. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited to be there. You're just going to be funny. And tell me, honestly, go to Gordo's and tell me how it went. I heard Gordo's dropped off, but I'm going to go test it out anyway. Yeah, tell me now. Is Guthrie's still there? Guthrie's might be gone, but King's Barbecue is still there. And so is the Leon Pub. So you might catch me at those places. All right, cool. Sweet. All right. Well, see you next week, fuckers. Goodbye.

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