Florida Files: Eaten Alive
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Yes, yes, yes.

Man, I'm so hungry today. I woke up hungry. I think I'm going to go down to the, we have that man-made lake that's close here. And I think I want to consume an 85-year-old woman. Think about it. Think about it.

I want to pull her down into the water. Just hear me out. This might be crazy. It might be an intrusive thought, but I kind of have this inkling. I've been wanting to do it. And maybe now that I'm 40, maybe now it's okay for me to really finally live my dreams, which I've always wanted to grab an old woman by her cardigan, pull her down into a swamp, roll her around in the mud, right? Until she eventually stops kicking, leave her there until she gets soft and then come back later and feast upon her flesh.

That's something I've always wanted to do and I've never gotten to do it. And you know what? I think today might be your day. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen. We have the ravenous Henry Zebrowski. My name is Marcus Parks. Henry, how ravenous are you? Bring me your abuela. All right.

And I'll tell you, bring me your abuela. Don't let her hit the Ozempic. I don't care what her fucking doctor says. I want the tits. Yeah, you want to be able to eat her with a straw. I want to be able to hack whole lobes off of her with a machete once I'm done letting the swamp water soften her. All right?

Give me what I want. It's Trump's America. Today on Last Podcast, after the incredible reaction we got from our Telecom series, from all of the sadness and violence and horribleness and the fascination behind the killer whales,

Ed Larson is back today with Florida Files, Eatin' Alive. He's not dead! He's not dead! Save her! She's not dead yet! Alright, no, don't worry, don't worry. I saved some of Grandma. What are these? Oh my God, it's her eyeballs! That's my favorite part, man. We're going to get into some eyeball sucking today, dudes. I know that for certain. It will happen, I promise. Okay? But first...

We're going to talk about the perfect killer in Florida, the American alligator. Yeah, better than the damn Russian and Chinese alligators infiltrating our water. There are no Russian alligators, but there are Chinese alligators. They are a separate species. Yes. Oh, really? They got smaller heads. Really? Yes. Awesome. Yeah, so it's not just a fake thing. It is real. China does have their own alligators. Oh, my goodness.

They are very cute. He's kind of smiling. He

That's the friendliest Chinese animal. Oh, and it's only five feet long? I can kick that thing's ass. I can kick its head in. Yeah, that's cute. No, they're like fun to have around. I like him. But the American alligator is our cutest killing machine. These swamp puppies can be found in almost any body of water in Florida larger than a puddle.

The American alligator as a species is 37 million years old, and they have been in Florida for at least 18 of those 37 million years. Congrats for them. What anniversary is that? 37 million? Yeah. I think it's back to stone. Do they live in the villages? Am I right? No. Uh-oh. Come on.

Come on, Marcus. Humans, in comparison, have only been on Earth for 300,000 years. Before that, who knows what planet we came from. Yeah, we... Thank you, Eddie. Yes, no problem, Henry. We were put here. Currently, there are 1.25 million alligators in Florida. String them up!

Which means there's about one alligator per 20 people. Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Florida is the only place in the world where alligators and crocodiles coexist. The only place in the world? Yes. So how did crocodiles get in the mix? Well, there's saltwater crocodiles down there, roughly 1,000 of them in Florida. And recently, there have been reports of Nile crocodiles being found in the Everglades as invasive species.

released into there. So it's going to be a future disaster. And the worst part is asking them where they're at or where they're supposed to be. It's so hard to get through the denial because they really can't help me. Well, the alligators and the crocodiles are united by one common enemy, and that is...

Yeah. Anything can live down there. You just ask your grandparents. Despite public perception from 1948 to 2021, only 26 people have died by unprovoked alligator attacks in Florida. The key word is unprovoked. That is exactly the key word. Because when you told me this fact the other night, you left the word unprovoked out of the sentence. Yeah. They feel like provoked. I'd be like, there's probably at least a bat.

many amount of provoked attacks. I mean, you jump on an alligator's back, that's a fight. It's different. That's a whole other thing. So basically, what I'm trying to say is, they ain't coming for you, we're coming for them. In fact, alligators are more scared of us than we are of them. There have only been 442 unprovoked bites

in the history of Florida, and only 303 of those were serious injuries, such as losses of a limb, muscle, or self-esteem. Well, it's just, it is interesting because you view these creatures, and I think that a lot of people assume, like we've talked about sharks back in the day, we've talked about, like, people assume that these attacks are really prevalent, same with killer whales, they kind of, we kind of project that

this upon them where like largely they're very solitary these creatures and they don't want to fuck with you. Yeah, crocodiles on the other hand will just attack you. They're hyper aggressive. We saw that when I went to a vaguely illegal St. Augustine alligator farm where you just watch the crocodiles are kept like

Alligators are just out. They keep them so fat that they legitimately are so... They're so lethargic and lazy that they just can't even... They don't even know that you're there. In these parks, they will respond to their personal names and come get food from you. It's cute as hell. But the crocodiles are kept in a cage. Yeah. Amber Nelson had the best analogy for it, which was...

Alligators are bees. Crocodiles are wasps. Gotcha. You know. All right. So a lot of times when an alligator is found eating a human being, that person was already deceased when the animal came in contact with them. Oh, yeah. That's just food. Yeah, man. Well, I'd also imagine the Everglades are a very popular place to dump bodies. Absolutely. I mean, this happens when people drown on their own. Also, suicide happens a lot down there and any other myriad of ways people die in Florida. Yeah.

In short, you should not be scared of alligators. The chances of even being bit by one are over 3 million to 1. I'm not scared of alligators. I'm way more scared of sharks and everything else. Alligators I like, and I just feel like in my mind...

I know where the alligator is. It's in a swamp. It's in a river. Guess where I don't go? Yeah. Right there. I don't go. I don't bleed. If I got fucking, like, let's just say I have my male period going. Yeah. Every once in a while, which is called hemorrhoids. And if I go in there. Hemorrhoids, please. Hemorrhoids, thank you. If I go in there, right, and I'm fucking, I know that I'm just leaving a trail of goody, gushy gush for these fucking delicious fucking smelling alligators are excited for that. And I don't do that.

Yeah, see, sharks are actually the most dangerous wild animal in Florida. And snakes. Yeah. I imagine the mosquitoes also quite bad. But, you know, they don't kill you like they do in other countries. You get malaria. Malaria. She's married to Trump. Malaria hasn't been seen in Florida and Hawaii. What?

But let me ask you this question, though. When it comes to alligators and how aggressive they could be, is part of the reason why there aren't as many animal attacks from alligators because we're very cautious with alligators to begin with? You would think that people would be, but people in Florida pretty much just live in the water. Yeah.

Because they also, I think on some level, they are so comfortable in their areas. And they do. When we went on a gator trip, when we went to New Orleans, they talk about it. Like, you do build a rapport. And in one of the stories you're going to cover today, they did have a rapport with this alligator. That was like a thing that they hang around. People kind of, you get used to it.

Yeah, and I think when you grow up in Florida, you're kind of taught these rules, you know? And that's why a good portion of the people who end up getting killed are tourists or attacked because they don't know the Florida rules. Snowbirds. Yes. Oh, these snowbirds. You know, when they're coming because I went to go. I went to my favorite diner. Normally, I sit right there, and Antoinette knows exactly what I get, which is I get my corned beef hash extra done.

Because I love it from the can. It's my favorite from the can. And I go in there and next thing you know, Henry Thomas, you wouldn't believe. I had to wait for 20 minutes for my table. That's ridiculous. And I...

This is all changing. Did they have any other tables available while you were waiting? Yes. But not my table. There was another foreign family sitting there. Perkins are getting out of hand. They'll just let anyone go. This is just a normal place. It's just she gets, hey, she can't handle the snowbirds when they roll into town. So I say, let's cut some of them out. Well, we need them to survive.

Fuck them. Well, you know, the real danger when it comes is when people decide to feed wild alligators and they start to associate people with food. When this happens, the alligator must be relocated to a reserve, a zoo or gator land for the animal safety. Most of them are euthanized, unfortunately.

In comparison, you are way more likely to be killed by a dog or a shark or a rolling meth lab or certainly the police than a gator in Florida. Police are actually probably higher up on there. Way higher. And your neighbors. Just straight up, your neighbors will shoot you in the head. Everybody's packing. Speaking of getting killed by dogs in Florida, this is true. Five Floridians have been shot by their dogs. Whoa! Yeah, half of the nation's total. What? That's...

They have special like weapons schools for canines and for your pet? It's usually when someone leaves their gun on the bed and the safety off and the dog jumps on the bed and it ends up shooting the person. Part of me was like, what? Did he bring his fucking gun to the B-dubs and then he got like Szechuan sauce on it and the dog got curious? Like licking it?

I got to stop using that to apply. I got to stop using my ruger to apply blue cheese to my chicken tenders. These statistics have never stopped people from fearing alligators because of their dinosaur-like appearance and the demonization of them in the media. Crawl. That's right. Crawl did this. Absolutely, because crawl is so ridiculous.

By the way, it could never happen. No, yeah, crawl isn't real. Because of this, the American alligator came close to extinction in North America in the 1950s and 60s. Their biggest threats were loss of environment, pesticides, and hunting. Back

also back in the 50s and 60s, you could buy baby alligators as pets at gas stations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tourists would buy them and bring them back to whatever state they came from. And then once they started to grow, they either killed them or flushed them down the toilet. And this is where the alligator in the sewers mythos comes from. Yeah. Do you... Because...

It's an urban legend. I thought I had read about this. I remember because just for those of you that don't know, that was a massive conspiracy theory, especially in New York. In the 90s in New York and New Jersey. It was a big urban legend, definitely in New York, that the New York City sewer system was full of alligators that had been flushed down the toilet by Florida tourists. It's too cold, they would just die. It's very interesting. It came from this guy, Teddy May, the commissioner of the sewers in 1935.

Apparently it started with an 1815 sighting of a three foot alligator in Brooklyn. Oh my God. And then it's been around ever since. Yeah, man. At one point, the population of alligators was down to a hundred thousand in America as opposed to 5 million today. So we've done a really good job of bringing them back.

Though they've made a comeback, it's undeniable that this perfect predator has fallen prey to some bad PR. So let's take some time to give you listeners a quick alligator safety lesson in case you ever encounter one of these majestic beasts. You gotta go serpentine! That's right, baby. The number one thing you can do to avoid an altercation with an alligator is to stay away from them, and more importantly, never feed one. Yeah, don't...

Engage. Don't engage. No voter outreach. No grassroots campaign for your podcast. Like, nothing. These alligators are not taking solicitation. I don't care how many extra pig carcasses you got in your truck. Don't throw one to the alligator. You're teaching them bad lessons. And what's important is that sometimes kindness hurts. Yeah. And that's what we've learned. Sometimes you can't just be nice to something because you want to be nice to something because you're teaching them bad lessons. Yeah.

Well, staying clear may not be so easy. They have millions of years of evolutionary stealth training on their side. An alligator could be lurking under your nose at any freshwater bank in the southeastern United States. Do your best to stay out of murky, shallow water and especially stay clear of vegetation on the surface.

Their prime hunting hours are dusk and nighttime. If you are in a place with high gator activity, a fun thing to do is shine a flashlight on the water and see the light reflect off of their eyes. I love it. It's so frightening. If you've ever done that in Florida at night, like I remember when I was shooting something else, when I was doing the After Midnight movie, I was in Leesburg, Florida, and we were out in the swamps, and it was crazy.

That's central Florida, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where the highest concentration is right now. Oh, dude. And you could, when you shine your light out onto the swamp and you just see all these eyes just looking back. It's so fucking cool. It's awesome. I bet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, actually, you know, there's been several alligators actually captured in New York. Oh, I'm sure. I'm looking at this right now. It's very interesting. Also, if you want, you can call them using this noise. Hey! Hey!

I'm just kidding. That's written, Stimpy. I know. We know what that is. No, but this is the noise you got to do.

Gotta get in there on your throat. We're just now giving this to perverts. We've given this over to perverts. You know how many times I'll do something and someone will be like, can you add more choking noises into your ads? It's just like, I can't. We just fed blowjob noise into the AI machine. Another one done. Fucking thing. Another fucking ghost of the machine fucking giving blowjobs to Hitler. Which is us in there having sex with fucking...

Richard Spencer and Kim Jong-un. Well, mating season in the summer is when alligator attacks happen the most. This is when they're most active and need the most energy, you know, fuel for screwing. Yeah. You ever try and fuck an alligator? Very difficult. A lot of leg strength and God forbid you forget your snorkel. Ha ha ha!

Alligators have pussies. Yes, and dicks for the men. The men of dicks and the women of pussies. That's insensitive. Yes. By the way, do yourself a favor and Google alligator penis. It ain't pretty. Oh, no, I saw a bunch of them. They made me kind of sick in the phallological museum in Iceland. All the other penises were fine, but that dog and cat penis room was like...

That's not for me. Yeah. One time we posted a picture of an alligator penis on the Brighter Side page when we did an episode about alligators, and Amber was like, please take that down. Well, it's actually surprisingly...

White. Recognizable. It looks like many other odd animal. Maybe I've seen a lot of pictures of animal penises already. I think that you're broken, Marcus. I think that the both of us are absolutely fucked. I love the AAR of that is a wild set of dick and balls on that alligator. Why are we looking at this? Now we're just looking at the fucking it's the same as that OnlyFans guy with Peanut the Squirrel. We're just looking at their rolled out dick and balls.

Yeah. Yeah. There's a deviant art. Alligator fucking a hippo. Alligator fucking a hippo. Did that happen? Is that, or is that just fan fiction? I think that's fan fiction. Yeah. That doesn't happen, Henry. Yeah. But that is, that is not AI. That is hand drawn. Yeah. That is hand drawn. That's a deviant art. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh,

But here's the most important thing. Do not let your dogs off leash near the shore of any fresh body of water in Florida. If you must walk your dog by the water in Florida, keep yourself in between the water and your dog. An alligator is very unlikely to attack you because you are too large and are actually more of a predator to the alligator than they are to you. Yes. Your dog, on the other hand, looks like a walking cheesesteak. It is not...

I remember in my neighborhood. It happened in my neighborhood. It happened in my neighborhood. Dull dogs got eaten all the time. I know that, like, I thought it was funny because one time we brought Wendy to a lake. And she's so deeply uninterested in beach and the water that she ran from the water and, like, stood on the grass. Like, she wouldn't go onto the beach and stuff like that. So she already knew. She knew. Yeah. Well, yeah.

Speaking of which, remember this story from February 2023? This one's one of the most recent alligator attacks that ended in a death. Glorious Surge, an 85-year-old woman, was walking her dog along the bank of a pond when a 10-foot alligator leaped out of the water at the dog. Surge fell, and the 10-foot behemoth grabbed her foot and dragged her into the water, and she was never seen alive again. Now, I've seen this footage many times. Yes. And I'm not going to say...

What's the term? Choose your words carefully. It doesn't delight me. But there is a thing, obviously, it's interesting because it's highly...

Oh, she's on the, you see an old lady. It is the definition of awesome. Not like awesome as in like really cool, but awesome as in like a fucking crazy thing that happened. Nature in action. Your watch, it is, and it's like a scene from a movie because you see her standing on the bank with the little dog. The little dog, she's looking that way, right? She's looking away from the water. Little dog sitting there and you see the little, and it's like a scene from movies. Little dog is going, howl.

And you see this alligator shadow come. It is just like the scene from X. And like, it is just like it where this, you just see this slowly, but surely this alligator runs,

roll up on the two of them and then it's just snap snap snap snap snap snap and he just fucking got him good dude and that's fucking frightening but it's also it was but even the 911 caller was like I don't know what people are doing with their little dogs out

out here. She blamed the woman immediately. Yeah, man. No. Well, the neighborhood knew about the 10-foot alligator. In fact, they named it Henry. Yeah. He was their friend. This is kind of awesome. He's living my dream. Yeah, he was a meanie alligator that was always interrupting you and was taking his shirt off for attention. Yay!

He was bone naked. But the people in the neighborhood were known to feed him regularly.

And due to the HOA, poor Gloria was told not to walk her dog around the neighborhood and that she could only walk him on her property and the backyard. Which is where the alligator was. Yes. Put it right into his bag. Put it right on his plate. So this can be directly traced to a bullshit HOA rule. I would love to find more deaths caused by HOAs. They're currently suing, I think. I'm pretty sure they're going to win. Okay.

If they haven't already. So I guess we can go ahead and bump that 26 debt up to 27 for now. Yeah, probably. When I was young, they used to tell us that if an alligator is running after you, run zigzags. Yeah, serpentine. Yeah, this is a bad advice. No! You are making it easier on the alligator. That can't be true! I've learned this forever. This is the only thing I know. I'm pretty sure that gators actually started the rumor. Ha ha ha!

You know, Jack Lee, super derogatory for me to get you. You know what I hate is when it's easy, so you definitely shouldn't lay down with some chicken. That's definitely not something you should do. Who's saying that? Alligators can reach up to 20 miles per hour on land. Yeah, they're fast like me. I am the same speed as an alligator. No, you're like 9 miles an hour. Tops. I'm saying if you get me... Who say Bolt's like 16? Within 10 feet.

which I've talked about. I'm literally the fastest man within 10 feet. Within 10 feet, I'm going close to 50, 70 miles per hour. Within that short area, I'm quite fast. Use that 10 feet to get over a fence and out of there as quick as possible. Oh, no, it is a lateral move, friend. It's not going up.

I'm not at 10 feet vertical. Also, here's another one you probably don't know. Alligators can jump as high as five feet out of water. What? Yes. Out of water? Out of water because they use their tails to help propel them out. So you have to be careful even when you're on a dock or in a boat.

If an alligator gets you in its mouth, don't try and open their mouth. Instead, punch its snout and gouge its eyes. Like you are one of the Three Stooges. Remember, you are Moe and the alligator is Curly. Yeah, boing. But always watch when he brings up that little hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A science teacher buddy of mine in South Florida recently had a police evidence diver start working as the campus police officer.

and asked him what the protocol was, is he ever saw a gator while he was diving for evidence. He said that they are taught to dive deeper in the water because once an alligator can see your full size under the water, it will want nothing to do with you. Most attacks in the water will happen when you are swimming on the surface. Interesting. So if you go all the way in, it can see because you're the bow...

at least a three-fourths the size of the alligator, probably. Most alligators, you're bigger than. Or if it's even 10 feet, it doesn't want to fuck with something that's even 5 feet, 6 feet. If an alligator's 10 feet, it's mostly tail. The good part, the eating part. And the shoe part. One of the few predators that we eat.

Yeah, that is true, because we don't eat very many predators. Because, I mean, I've never had shark, because I'm still morally against it. No, you can't do it. But most fish are predators. Well, they're little predators. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now... Like Tuchuki. Tuchuki. He's definitely probably got some...

Allegations. But now, let's dive into a couple of these 26, 27 stories where the Gators won. Yeah! I'm rooting for the Gators. I mean, it's their land. We took them 36 million years before us. I will say, though, they could have, in that whole time, they definitely could have invented... Thumbs. Government. Yeah. Writing. Weapons. Yeah.

If they had done any of that, they would really have a right to a lot of these places. They had plenty of time, and they wasted it. None of them sewed a flag. No. None of them wrote a constitution. Yeah. None of them started an LLC. Once. None of them paid income tax. None of them signed a, no one got a, none of them have a 401k. God, you are right. Fuck these things. Hey, from Northland.

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Bradley Wiedenheimer of Lantana, Florida, jumped out of his canoe to drag it over a log in the Loxahatchee River.

In that moment, a giant gator named Big George jumped out of the water, grabbed him by the head with his bone-crushing jaws, and pulled him under in front of his parents. Cool. The father grabbed his son and was able to wrestle his son from the gator's mouth while friends beat it with oars. But the struggle lasted for over five minutes, and poor Bradley, 10 years old, had drowned by the time his body was back in his parents' possession.

This happened in my county, in Palm Beach County, when I was the same age. It was a huge story growing up. And it's amazing how these things get sensationalized. Up until this week, if I told you this story like it had been told to me, it would have been this boy was on a Boy Scout canoe trip when a gator jumped up and ripped his head off of his body and blood was squirting all over his friends. Yeah. It's a great story. Yes.

It's a great story. We love it. Those kids love it. They get something to share again and again and again. Exactly. That's the beginning of a new alligator-based Jason Voorhees. But what happened to the boat? What happened to the boat? After this head was ripped off and there was blood spurting everywhere, I had to string it up. What happened to the boat? Did the boat explode? I'm like, good work, little Jimmy. Use your blood collecting badge. You collected the most blood. What?

You're the most absorbent boy. Oh, and you have your head-sewing badge. Oh, wow, excellent. And the Boy Scouts definitely did have a badge for most absorbent boy. Oh. But it was one of those badges you can only wear when your pants are down. Well...

This is what leads to the fear mongering and the overhunting and trapping of alligators. Truth is, he probably stepped on the thing when he jumped out of his boat and the alligator was protecting its turf. Yeah, he went, yore! Alligators are extremely territorial, especially mommigators will attack anything that gets near to their nest on the bay, on the shore. Um...

I know. I sound like a lawyer for Big Alligator. You really do. You are coming in hard. You are very pro-Alligator, anti-human. Now I'm just a simple country alligator lawyer. But I do declare.

My clients are misunderstood. Objection. Yeah, we didn't land on Loxahatchee. Loxahatchee landed on us. Objection, sir. My client, the little tiny dog here that's just a leash, begs a difference. Let me see your wallet. What's it made out of? Boot check. Let me see your boots. Whatever, dude. I want alligator leather, but I do also find it to be immoral. I want to see how many shell corporations are between you and Wally Gator.

Yeah, I want to know who benefits. Wally Gator. He's missing. Poor guy. What do you mean he's missing? He's missing. You know, Wally Gator, the emotional support alligator? Oh, yeah, that guy, that dumb guy. Oh, whoa, whoa. Joey's sweet, okay? No, I was talking about Wally Gator, the Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's never something. Wally Gator, it's always like the name of... I remember him. Yeah, he had

Yeah, he had the hat and the Cajun accent. See, this guy has got—this is a vaguely famous story of this guy with Wally, the emotional support gator that he brings around, but it doesn't seem, like, super smart because it's a dinosaur. Like, it's not a—you can train it up to a point. Even the guys on the Swamp Tour were like, it does get to know you, and you do get to know it, but at some point, it's a fucking unknowable—

Like, you can't know what it's thinking. I interviewed this guy on our Twitch channel with the gator, and it was, like, crawling all over him, and he was, like, wrestling with it and trying to answer my questions. Whoa, all right. Why'd you concentrate on the alligator, man? Yeah, but it was... Truth is, yeah, it's probably just really stupid, and it doesn't attack people because of that reason. Oh, do you think it's just a simpleton alligator? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, I sure don't know what to do. You're like, it's that style of, like...

But either way, they were on vacation and someone reported the alligator and then they came and took it and put it in the swamp and now it's gone forever because it's probably just eaten by other gators because it's too friendly. He brought the alligator on vacation. It was his emotional support alligator. He never went anywhere without it. It didn't have a vest. It definitely wasn't brought to any one of these schools. It was not accredited. There's no way. It was accredited.

He was officially an emotional support animal. Wow. Yeah. It was a big gator, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, seeing him with the sunglasses makes me sad. No, no, it was super sweet. He literally would bring this thing to pools, and it would swim with children, and they would hug it and shit. It was crazy. I just, yeah, I just feel like, yeah, I just, you know, you look at it, it's like when we went to the lava show, where you're looking at a thing just being like, this is a fun concept.

but it feels like we're at Jurassic Park right now. It feels like this is the moments before the disaster hits. Like as you're watching it, look at the child play with the alligator, kiss the side of its face. And it's like, this alligator likes to cuddle. It's just sensing your blood. I would love to hug Wally, but I think those days are over. Wally Alligator was actually the inspiration for Alligator Loki in the new Loki series.

Oh, really? Yeah. He's a fun character. But here's another alligator attack that may have flown under the radar, pun intended.

Robert Steele, an 81-year-old man, was walking his terrier in between two murky canals close to his home in Sanibel Island, where the alligator leaped out of the canal at the terrier, and Mr. Steele was trying to protect it. The alligator ripped Mr. Steele's leg off below the knee, and then he went into cardiac arrest from loss of blood and expired on his way to the hospital. Oh, my God!

It's not funny. It is so wild. There's a reason we're doing it as an episode. A little dog like barking at the alligator is just ripping his legs off going, God damn it, Pepper, help me. Go inside the house.

Go to the police! My God! When they found him, his legs were in the water. Get my legs, damn it! Those are the shoes I was married in! They didn't know the alligator had ripped his leg off, and when they pulled him out of the water, he was just missing one leg. It was a crazy reveal. What a horrible story!

Oh, wow. Thank God. I guess I don't have to tie my fucking laces anymore. Well, later on, a police officer saw the alligator in another part of the pond with Robert's leg still in its mouth. That police officer shot it in the head on the spot. I am unsure if the dog survived. Just a big, fat Florida cop. He went on,

There it is, brother. Today's the day. Today's the day, yo. Private Rembrandt laces out. You know when they see the movies where the guy's like so fat, he's got the little hands and his gums right here and he's like shooting it point blank in the head while he's sleeping?

I know what you're saying. Ed, this sounds like your run-of-the-mill gator-killing-an-old-person story. Why are you bringing it up? Ed, a million old people should die this way. Yeah. Why do we care about these two? Well, the date plays an important part of this. And why we didn't hear about this story is because it happened on 9-11. No!

At 4.15 p.m. So the alligator, it took advantage of the cops' total distraction. So this guy's just going out to clear his head. Yeah, yeah. For the day, the heavy day. He's just like, clear my head. But not paying attention probably. Yeah, very distracted. What if that man lived his life to 9-11 and never got to see it?

had no idea, like woke up 7.30, you know, I just, yeah, did it put out in the news? Yeah, no news. In a retirement community, it could have just been rated. No news. He was the last innocent American. He got to die naturally on 9-11. Yeah. And,

not know about it. I wonder who lasted the longest in America without hearing about 9-11. There is at least someone who got to 9-12. What happened? Did they pull him out of the water? He's like, my fucking legs!

are gone. Sir, do you know what else is gone? The World Trade Center. Oh my God! Tower 1 or Tower 2? I'm fortunate that you can't have the caboodle, buddy. And Building 7. No one can explain it. Building 7 was 45 minutes later. Some people thought it could have been an inside job, but logic tells us he was killed by Al Gaeta. Marcus really liked it. Al Gaeta is very funny. Al Gaeta is very funny.

That's very funny. As long as I really liked it. It's dead is. Was that the one? That was the one. That's my joke. One of my favorite jokes I ever read.

But now let's turn us to the most famous of all alligator fatalities, the death of Lane Thomas Graves at Walt Disney World. Rob, I brought you guys something for this story if you want. I brought you some mouse ears to wear. Oh, it is a small world after all. Are you ready? Oh, wow. These are Julie's, by the way, so don't fuck with these. These are Julie's. There you go. You guys look phenomenal. All right.

June 14th, 2016. It was dusk at Walt Disney World's Grand Floridian Resort, a Victorian-inspired luxury resort with access to the Magic Kingdom by monorail. It's nice. There's a restaurant there called Victoria and Albert's. Costs you at least $1,000 for dinner for two. I'm sure it's great. Never been allowed in the joint.

Certainly won't be allowed in after I tell this story to millions of people. See, the thing is, too, is that with these fancy Disney restaurants, the food's not even that good. I hear it's perfect at Victoria and Albert's, but that's a whole nother... That's different. If it's for $500 per person, it fucking better be. Yes.

There's a beach behind the resort where they would occasionally have events for families staying at the resort. Families so rich that they wouldn't be caught dead inside the park. Oh, ironic. Oh, but maybe it will happen outside. It's a little boy. Yes. It's a little boy. Yeah. This evening on the banks of the Seven Seas Lagoon, they were ironically screening the delightful movie Zootopia. Oh.

There amongst the crowd were the Graves family, parents Matt and Melissa, just wanted to teach their children Ella and Lane about racism through cartoon animals when tragedy would strike. You see, it's better to be done at home with Barbies and Kens. Amen. That's what I do when I teach neighborhood children about racism. I do all the voices so they know the difference between the races. Oh, that's good. That's smart.

That's really been my new thing. Your training comes in handy sometimes. It does. It's not on Mike anymore. I save it for the community. Lane Thomas Graves, two years old, 30 pounds, 37 inches tall. Is he about to fight Mike Tyson? Was excited to build a sandcastle and was retrieving water and sand from the shores of the Seven Seas Lagoon. Another tourist from North Carolina, Shana Giacomini.

was staying at the resort. She said that around 8.15 p.m., her eldest daughter saw an alligator five feet from the shore near the marsh. This daughter told the movie coordinator about the alligator. The person then told a man whose shirt said the word coordinator on it and told him about the alligator lurking by the shore. The two-year-old Lane was excited and splashing in the dark grassy water, bent over to fill his bucket, and then snapped!

The 8-foot, 250-pound alligator materialized and grabbed Lane by the head with her massive jaws. Jeez. Head first, huh? Yeah. Wow. Well, she didn't really know. He was so small that they didn't know it was a person. They probably thought it was like a fucking possum or something. But that's what it does to deer. Have you ever seen a deer that goes head first? When they grab birds, they go head first. His father, Matt, with his back turned for just a moment, hears the splash.

and then sees the beast trying to descend into deeper water with his boy. Matt leapt into action and jumped on the starving reptile and tried to pry open its jaws with his hands, which proves useless because an alligator has one of the most powerful jaws in the animal kingdom. It can clamp down with over 3,000 pounds of pressure. Witnesses say they saw him on top of the animal, punching it with bloody hands.

He then lost his footing in the battle and cut his leg open as the alligator descended with his son into the Seven Seas Lagoon. Witnesses Peter Kirkos and Kerry Coberry said that they saw Matt Graves punching the alligator, pulling at his son's feet before getting swept off of his and Lane vanishing.

Another Disney employee saw the alligator with the boy in its mouth in the middle of the Seven Seas Lagoon before taking him down for a final time. Yes, there were no swimming signs, but none of those signs warned of the dangers of alligators or snakes. Now, these signs do exist now.

but drop a family from Nebraska who don't know all the Florida rules and probably never even thought of an alligator before accidentally creating the perfect scenario for their worst nightmare to come true.

The worst thing that could happen to you if you jump in a lake in Nebraska is you got caught skinny dipping with your cousin. Sure. Yeah, that's one of the big crimes there. Incess. Water-based incest. Well, Lane Graves' cause of death was drowning with lacerations to the head and neck. He was not eaten like many people believe. Alligators often do not eat their prey during the attack.

Instead, they drag them under the water and kind of place them under a rock or a heavy object and come back and eat you when you're softer and more digestible. Yeah. Jesus. It's called the recipe. And alligators also, because they pluck little parts off you, they don't have to eat that much. Yeah, no, they really don't. So alligators are like slow cookers? I guess so, yeah. Yeah, very similar to slow cookers. Very patient. They got nothing to do. Yeah.

Yeah, what else do they do? Also, the responsibility of gators wanting to get close to guests doesn't fall completely on Disney. Often, out-of-town guests feed the alligators, especially at the hotel next to it, the Hawaiian-themed Polynesian Resort. Oh, I remember the Polynesian. That's where the lower class of people are. There ain't no...

Not anymore. Now you have to go to the all-star sports or movies. That's the low-class one. Polynesian's fancy now. I thought the Polynesian didn't get the full redo that it needed to get. Oh, it just got redone. It's very nice. There was some word of guests feeding alligators on the day of Lane's attack, but nothing has been confirmed. Well, you think that it would have been full?

Yeah. If it was being fed a lot. But just getting used to people. If you're just throwing like popcorn at it, though. Yeah. Like gummy bears and shit. Or like when they did when I went to the Swamp Tour and they just threw marshmallows at them. Yeah. Marshmallow and dog food. They do a lot, too, at the Swamp Tours. The aftermath, the Florida Fish and Wildlife caught six alligators after the attack. Two match the description of the one they were looking for. Seven to eight foot female weighing over 200 pounds.

And these two were found with two-tenths of a mile from where Lane's body was found. They are confident they caught the gator that killed the boy, but there is no way to know for sure because of the messiness of the bites, and there was no distinct bite pattern as a result of the struggle with the father. So he got caught on circumstantials? Yeah.

Yeah, he just happened to be in the same neighborhood. Damn, dude, that's racism, man. Absolutely. How fucking dare they, man, just pick him up just because he kind of looked like the guy? That's what happens, man, especially for alligators. Un-fucking-believable. I think that, because what's the alligator going to learn? If you pull it out, right? It's like with the dog.

right? If you go out to the bathroom or if you go out of town or you got out for the night and you come back in and the dog shat on the floor, if it's been more than three minutes, the dog's not going to take and understand that the shit is why you're angry, why you're upset. They're just going to think you're upset and you're angry. They're not going to connect the two. How is this alligator going to be fucking

How is he going to be rehabbed? It doesn't matter. They killed all six of them. Yeah, I think they just shoot all of them because, you know, after all, there are six million of them. Now, if you shoot an alligator like that, like let's say you take a rapist or a murder alligator and you take them. Oh, can we get briefcases from them? Absolutely. I'll get to that in a second.

After both alligators were autopsied, their stomachs were empty, which means they were hungry and more likely go for more unusual prey. Lane's body was found intact, minus some superficial wounds that we talked about earlier. So there would be nothing in the stomach of the offending alligator. So this was some detective work here. Yeah. Also.

Also, we know that an alligator with an empty stomach in June would desperately need food because energy is needed for mating season. Interesting. So I would say that it is about a 95% chance that they caught the correct alligator. But unfortunately for the other alligators, all were euthanized. In fact, this is when what I'm calling the great...

Disney World alligator massacre began. Okay, so they had to literally declare war on alligators. Disney was like, fuck this shit. No more gators. Yeah, that's the thing. If Disney is going to go after a daycare that has Disney characters painted on the outside of their fucking house, what do you think they're going to do to a species who murders a guest? I guess they have to wipe them out because what do they do? They put cats...

Don't they give cats? They put those in Disney at night. Do cats catch the mice? Disney World and Disneyland is covered in cats, and they kill the mice, ironically. Because, you know, Mickey Mouse. Yes. From 2007 to 2015, before this all happened, trappers removed an average of 23 gators a year from Walt Disney World. In 2016, the year of the attack, Florida Fish and Wildlife removed 83, most after June when the attack happened. Hmm.

The following year, 57, 30 in 2018 and 2019. But during the pandemic in 2020, when Disney was closed, they were hard at work getting rid of Gators when they removed over 50 in just a matter of a couple of months.

Damn, they just smoked them out. Yeah. So some of these so-called nuisance gators are moved to zoos, but most are euthanized. The trappers, in fact, sell their meat and skin to make extra money. All right, so they do. They sell the meat, right? Yeah. The meat and the skin. Yeah.

And probably the bones, too. Isn't alligator leather still technically illegal? Nah, they sell it down there. Yeah, does it? Well, now that they're not endangered anymore, they're still protected, but they're not endangered anymore. Yeah, you can buy alligator leather off of Amazon. Yeah, I guess it does feel strange still.

You know, it's wrong. Yeah. I will say it. But that being said, I also bought an alligator head and then my dog ate it. Pain. Yeah. It's a cycle. Yeah. Sometimes you leave Florida and then it comes back and tries to kill your dog. It's what happens. I also feel like if it's more just like if I, if an alligator killed Wendy.

I'd want it shot in the head and skinned. And then I'd have the briefcase made from that alligator. That's power. That is power. Versus. That's where I do. I do believe in revenge. Yeah. I like that. I like the revenge. Cause then you want a happy Gilmore type situation. Yes. And then I can show. Remember I killed Chubbs. Oh yeah. And then I can show other alligators my back. Yeah. And,

Don't you fuck with me. You know, another thing, why don't you just move them to another lake or a swamp? Well, because most gators will try to find their way home. Yeah. They have a great sense of direction. Cute. And they'll end up just walking long distances in the night in search of their home. Whoa, will they hitchhike? Yeah. Never pick up a gator. My dad hit one when driving when I was a kid. Whoa.

Yeah, it was crazy. He also hit a moose. I think he was a bad driver. Yeah, I think he was aiming for them. Just know if you are going to pick up a gator, that's why it's always important to bring some raw chicken with you when you go on a long haul road trip during the southeast because then you give them that whole chicken, they'll snap it up, and then you can safely drive them to wherever they need to go. Yeah, and keep it in your trunk so it gets nice and stinky. Mm-hmm. Oh, man.

Alligators also are very territorial, and if you introduce a dominant male into a lake where it doesn't live, it often causes all the gators to fight each other, which is never good, but it is fun to see a goddamn...

Gator fight! It's a gator fight! Alligator attacks on people in Florida are rare. In fact, this was the only death from an alligator in the history of Orange County, Florida. Wow. Now, I know...

What you thinking? I bet these parents sued the fucking doggy dick off of Goofy and Pluto. Yeah, I mean, they better, man. I want Minnie's pants. Yeah, well, this was all slept under the rug pretty quickly by Disney, and the Graves family never officially filed a lawsuit against the theme park. Good

for them. Yeah, we are sure that there was a significant payout to the Graves family, but the amount has never been disclosed. And to this day, the Graves family has never said a bad thing about Walt Disney World. Lawyer Justin Ziegler wrote an interesting article, if you want to check it out, about what the payout might have been in a case like this. And the number that's been shared a lot is 10 million.

$5 million for each parent. And then Disney, on the record, gave Ella, the four-year-old daughter, the sister, $50,000 for emotional damage.

At least it wasn't just like, and here's an ice cream cone. Don't you want to meet Pluto? Oh my God. While looking all this shit up, I found an alligator had gotten into the lake or the river surrounding Splash Mountain, and then it was trying to get into Splash Mountain. And there's a cast member hitting it with a pool skimmer, trying to keep it out of there. You know, it's like, Tyler, you're going to need to go get that skimmer, and I need you to go out there.

And you just keep that gator in bay until we get the squad in there. No, no, no. No, no, no. All right, pal. Listen, Mr. Man, Mr. Gator Man, you're not getting in this ride. You didn't pay for a ticket. Well, it's believed with this money that Matt and Melissa Graves started the Lane Thomas Foundation, which is a charity organization that tries to convince parents whose kids pass away suddenly to donate the organs of their newly dead kid so others may live.

So far, they've saved the lives of a handful of children, and that's okay with me. That's great. Oh, wow. Yeah, you see? I feel like in that- It's good out of the bag. It does work, and it's hard because that's nature. There's very little you can do about it. It's a tragic accident because I'm not saying that the alligator ain't mean. No. Alligator don't know. Yeah. He was a child playing around. Size of chicken. All right? You see, look, some of these kids, sometimes I mistake kids for chickens. Yeah.

Two-year-olds are far larger than chickens. Yeah, man. I mean, not much bigger. This kid wasn't bigger than a turkey. See? 30 pounds. There's 30-pound turkey. Oh, yeah. That's my goal weight for a turkey. Hey, turkey and a two-year-old, I'll allow it. Yum. I know when I was two, I was like, fucking 70 pounds. Yeah, dude. I think it had nothing to do with me. You look like a side of mutton. Yeah. Yeah.

But Disney made some slight changes after Lane's passing. There's no more swimming or fishing without Disney's supervision in the Seven Seas Lagoon. Remember when we were kids, you could just, anyone could fish in there. You could jump in there. There was water skiing. All that shit's gone. Now there are signs warning of snakes and alligators. The movies under the stars events have been moved inside. And the light-up alligator in the nighttime water pageant on the lake was also removed. No.

Light up alligators? Yeah, they have like a water pageant of lights every night. Can't even think about alligators. Yeah, TikTok from Peter Pan got taken out. Oh, I love TikTok. Yeah, proof he's the first child killer. He's the very first one.

There is now a monument close to where the attack took place. It's a lighthouse with two stars on it representing Lane's two years of life and a plaque that says the Lane Thomas Foundation, a beacon of hope, a light of love. Oh, that's nice, Eddie. Yeah. I'm glad it wasn't a cafeteria or something if they put a big light on it.

turkey leg stand where he was first eaten. No alligators in Zootopia, so maybe in Zootopia 2 they could name an alligator Lane. What's interesting though is that when you mentioned the name Zootopia, the first image I had was like a big goofy alligator on the front cover. That's Sing. The one you're thinking of is the gator that dances with the hippo in Fantasia maybe? Maybe. I think you're thinking of Sing. No, Sing's got a pig.

There's no alligators in Sing. I love Sing. The movie's wonderful. Sing 2? Who knows? The Graves family has since welcomed another son into the world, and my guess is he won't be going to Florida waters anytime soon. Oh, that's nice. They can make another one. Yeah. Well, when Floridians...

You can take your ears off now. That's the end of my story. Thank you for participating. You easily could have told me no. No, it's called Yes And. So we are locked in. When Floridians are not busy getting eaten alive by alligators, Floridians are also famous...

For eating each other. Yeah! We covered this story a million years ago. When it very first happened, we did a little thing called zombie attacks. I think it was called erratic behavior. Yes, it was during a time period where a lot of erratic behavior was going on. I believe it was the same...

that had cut open his own belly while at a traffic stop. There was a couple of folks, but this story now, especially then, we did not know all the details because they, you know, the big thing that got spun out of this story was about the bath salts and all that shit. And it turns out, you could be super hungry sober. Fly from your grave.

Let me ask you something as you sit there just licking the sides of a sandwich. Can you name every single subscription that you have? I mean, think about it right now. Sit there. Start listing them out.

No, you're wrong. All right. Because they get you, man. They get you. I was paying for this newspaper. I went, I was like, oh, I want to start reading this Florida newspaper. So I subscribed to it. You know what happened to me? All of a sudden I get a bill for $110. What's that? Now I'm stuck reading this paper. That's not that good for a full year for $110. $110.

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I want to thank my beautiful wife for every day coming to the plate, knowing that she will kiss me on the forehead whether I'm crying or yelling. But it can't always be like that. Sometimes you've got to talk to an expert.

Because this month is all about gratitude. Me love me friends. Me love me life. All right? But sometimes it's hard to remind ourselves that we are trying our best to make sense of everything. And in this crazy world, that isn't easy. So here's a reminder to send some thanks to the people in your life, including yourself. That's my thing. I mostly like to thank myself at Thanksgiving. Because I did a lot of the cooking.

Give BetterHelp a try. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Last Pot today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Last Pot. Well, when you think of Florida cannibalism, one case immediately jumps to mind. Thank God more don't.

2012 Miami cannibal attack where a man named Rudy Eugene stripped naked, walked across the MacArthur Causeway and ate Ron Poppo's face for 18 minutes. 18 long chomping minutes. That's right. It's a shame because if he got to 20, they would have called Guinness. Isn't it a shame?

Because then he's going to... Dahmer's still the king. Famous for two things. Yeah, old Rudy Eugene, man. He looks upset in this picture. This obscene attack earned him the nickname the Causeway Cannibal. Not to be confused with the Turnpike Taster from New Jersey or the Roundabout Rummager who was Parisian, I believe.

To this day, no one knows what turned this man into a craven, face-thirsty animal. The Canton Culinarian. It is very interesting because his family came out hard in the paint to take care of him and support him and say, like, he was a loving family member. He had some problems with people, with the law in the past, but nothing that significant. Yeah. We'll talk about what someone...

one of his family members believes was the cause in a little bit. The consensus at the time was... Oh, that it wasn't the Burger King value meal going up? No. No, it wasn't this time. The consensus at the time was bath salts, which raised even more questions than answers. Yeah, everyone was obsessed with smoking bath salts. I'm going to say you make you go psycho, but I still had never met a person that smoked bath salts. They're not friendly. Um... Yeah, they're not.

Hi. Name's Jeff Taylor. I smoked bath salt on January 26, 1993. You might be smelling that on my breath. That's called eucalyptus and mint I just took a hit earlier today. I got to get down to Triple B. I got to get down there right now. I got to talk to my doctor.

Even if it was so, Eugene's autopsy only turned up trace amounts of marijuana. And trace amounts is like he may have smoked yesterday or the day before. He smoked weed a lot. I don't know. I probably shouldn't have wrote the word trace. I just took it straight from the article.

Eddie and I both... Eddie learned when he was doing... Because THC is fat solvent, he learned that when he was in parole that he tested positive for weed for fucking... Nine months. Yeah. Wow. Because it was living in my fat. It's in your fat. Yeah. So you can taste positive for weed. But he said as long as it kept going down, they wouldn't send me back to jail. I remember I had to quit smoking weed for a month to get a fucking janitor's job. Oh, yeah, buddy. Oh, God. They should give you weed with...

It's the job. Yeah, I was working. I want my janitor's stone. Yeah, I was working as a temp, as a janitor, and the boss took me aside. He's like, so hey, listen, you like working here? I was like, yeah, it's great. I just get to fucking listen to music and just walk around. He's like, so if you want a full-time job here, you can have it, but let me ask you something. I need you to be real honest with me.

Can you pass a drug test? And if you can't, when can you pass a drug test? And I was like, 30 days. And he said, like, good enough for me. We'll put in the paperwork in three weeks. You see, because that's the thing. Being a janitor, I don't want you drunk. Because that's when you start fucking and sucking people. Stoned, you're not going to be fucking and sucking. Like a drunk janitor, he's...

And he's thinking. And he's smoking. And he's drinking. And he's thinking. And he's thinking about how, like, yeah, I could see that child being an adult in my mind. I'd take that child on a time trip in my mind. I remember, like, when I worked at the Crystal River Seafood in Tallahassee, one day I came in. I was, you know, jovial, joking with everybody. And my boss was like, oh, man, you came in high today, huh? And then I was like, you'll know. He's like, if you want to know when I'm high, it's when I come in here and I just start working. Yeah.

Well, it was weird because it was just weed in his system. And now, you know, I smoke lots of weed. And the worst thing I've ever eaten is Applebee's. Are they a sponsor? Who knows? Who knows? We're still looking for some. Applebee's, come on board. We can change Eddie. We can change him. The cause remains a mystery. Although, honestly, I think I might have cracked it. Let's roll back the clocks. Andy.

and zombie walk our way to May 26, 2012. That morning, 31-year-old Rudy Eugene drove across the causeway to check out the Urban Beach Week, an annual South Beach hip-hop festival, which I'm sure goes smoothly every year. And there he is.

There is no way that the atmosphere there led to this at all. A Miami New Times article posted only three days after the attack reported that this year's fest came and went with little commotion. Sure, a man got eaten alive. His fake nose and eyeballs got chewed upon. But otherwise, it was great. But by Urban Beach Week standards, not a hiccup. Because.

We're going to Miami. Gonna eat all you in Miami. Well, Eugene only stayed at the fest for 30 or so minutes before abandoning his car and starting to walk across the three mile long causeway. Inside his car, police later found a Bible and five empty water bottles.

Apparently, overheating, Eugene stripped off his clothes and was nude by the time he encountered 65-year-old Ronald Poppo. An unhoused man originally from Brooklyn, Poppo drifted down to Florida in the 70s and had lived on the streets ever since. Honestly, if you're going to be, that's the place to be. Yeah, I mean, well, there are lots of homeless in Miami. There's lots of homeless in Los Angeles because... The weather's beautiful. The weather is better and it's an easier place to live outside all year long.

According to Poppo, Eugene approached him in a friendly manner, but then started complaining that he couldn't score at the beach. And then he accused Poppo of stealing his Bible. And then he started beating and eating him. This would prove to be Eugene's last supper.

Eyewitnesses, Larry Vega said, eyewitness Larry Vega said, the guy was like tearing him to pieces with his mouth. So I told him, get off, man. Quit doing that, dude. He's not food, bro. And the other guy just kept eating. And the other guy went, ripping his skin. He's like, hey, dude, fucking lay off that guy.

I got to go. My Starbucks is ready. Officer Jose Ramirez arrived at the gruesome scene and reportedly did a double take. And then Eugene did a spit take.

I was going to make the joke. I was going to make the joke. And then another spectator got hit with a seltzer bottle. That's the funniest day in Miami. That's a funny day. But they said apparently the guy that got his face eaten, he saw Rudy. He saw Rudy. Yeah. And he said that he came off the beach. And so he was like walking up. And apparently Rudy kept talking about how he had a bad day at the beach, man. And it's just like...

I've had bad days at the beach. Oh, most of them are bad. Especially when I don't have a chair. I hate sitting on the ground. I hate sand. Oh. I hate sand. And it's everywhere there. Everywhere. And I... It gets wild, right? Because then he comes right up to him and just...

He starts eating his fucking face, dude. It's not good, man. Well, Officer Ramirez pointed his gun at Eugene and told him to stop. In response, the naked man merely raised his head with pieces of flesh in his mouth, growled, and then resumed his business. Wow. So Ramirez shot him, which proved to be ineffective.

So he shot him four more times. Ah, God. Which we all know a kind of a side effect of marijuana is to get shot and nothing happen to you. Most of the time. Maybe it was to Teva. I don't know. Sometimes. What I do is just have Natalie see if she can contain me after I'm smoking a bowl. I just say contain.

I turn into shit.

Many magical things happen under the influence of marijuana. We're all aware of this. I love my home. By the time Poppo reached the hospital, 80% of his face was gone. Both of his eyes gouged out. An officer said it was eaten down to his goatee. In a later interview, Poppo would say Eugene just ripped me to ribbons.

Which is putting it very Paul Lind-like. It is. He just ripped me to a ribbon. You wouldn't even believe it. Oh, you see me? You should see the other guy. He got his nose eaten off. Yeah. His eyeballs got sucked out. His fucking... Bit off his cheeks. Which I actually didn't know there was that... I didn't know that you could bite somebody's nose off. Yeah.

Yeah, it's just cartilage. It's just another part of the American dream that I haven't got to yet. Yeah. I mean, you mentioned how strong the alligator's jaw is. The human jaw is incredibly strong. Really? Yes, the human jaw. Let me see where we stand. How many pounds of pressure? Yeah. Because a gator, remember, is 3,000 pounds of pressure. I mean, a gator's going to be stronger than us. Of course. It's one of the strongest in the animal kingdom. It's all mouth. We could do 150. Yeah.

On the molar. That's not bad. You can rip it out of somebody's nose off. Hyena's got a really strong jaw, too. I bet. Don't fuck with those fuckers. I'm not trying to. But that level of detachment, saying he just ripped me to ribbons, was kind of Poppo's vibe. After a facial reconstruction that left him looking like a shrink-wrapped skull, he was mostly just grateful. And when he asked if he blames Eugene, he said...

I'm sure that that man had a bad day that day. He is not wrong. He's a good listener. But his family said that they thought he was dead. They thought he was dead when they found him. And technically, when the guy ate his face off, it weirdly turned his life around. Like, it brought him into, like, now he's in medically assisted living. Yeah. Because he's extreme. Because he's, like, I mean, it's not a sensitive way to say this. You know, like...

Stevie Wonder went blind in a romantic way.

And other people go blind in a way where you're like, that's an inspirational way. Yeah. You know? And he went blind in the worst way. I think actually the worst way. He went blind. Blinded by eating. Blinded by, yeah, because it's like, because he did a whole description of his, of what happened to him. Yeah. I mean, he's got a great attitude about the situation. In fact, he was offered more facial reconstruction and he was like, ah, fuck it, I'm good. Yeah.

That is an Irie attitude if I've ever heard one. Just being like, hey, you want a nose? Nah. Henry found this. Let's listen to Poppo tell some of the story in his own words. A hitchhiker returned from the beach. Was kind of in a glad mood for a while. Then he turned kind of vicious after a minute or two. And he started to rip me apart. He smashed my face into the...

My face was all bent, hashed up. My eyes got plucked out. He was strangling me in wrestling holes. At the same time that he was picking my eyes up, he was strangling me in wrestling holes. For a very short amount of time, I thought he was a good guy, but he just went and turned me up by Cirque. That's how you know you never know, and that's why it's really, really important to do background checks. He was coming back, and I guess he took it out on me or something. I don't know.

Yeah, you know, but other than being seemingly delicious, we don't know a ton about Ron Popo. To be honest, you know what I was watching? I was watching one of my new favorite shows called Culinary Wars right now. It's from Culinary Class Wars on Netflix. I absolutely love it. And one of the things that they taught you as a restaurateur. But what they talk about is check the leftovers. Like as a restaurant owner, you should be checking the leftovers because you can see what people like and what they don't like and what they don't finish.

And I think one of the big problems is that I don't think he was very delicious because of how much he left. I think he was actually, I would say the opposite on that. He was extremely delicious because the other man had to be shot four times to get him to stop eating. 80% of the face. Truly, but there's so much more. He left the lips and chin. There's so much more of him. He's so much more. There is so much more of him. Dick, hands, butt. Have you ever had a meal so good that someone had to...

shoot you with a 9mm to get you to stop. Oh, yeah. There's a couple. There's a couple I think that you could definitely, like, show them the scars. If you show me, if you put a Peter Luger steak in front of me and I went to go take a piece of it and you tried to take it away from me, yeah, I could probably, you could probably shoot me in the head. You could take two bullets before you go be like, alright, alright, alright. Oh!

All right. All right. I'll go to dinner someplace else. Well, here's what we do know about Ron Poppo. He went to the prestigious Stuyvesant High School in Brooklyn. That's where I was going to go. Oh. Stuyvesant. You have to test in. Yeah. He was in the Latin club and he had high hopes for his future, writing in a schoolmate's 1964 yearbook, First Italian in the White House, 1984. Wow. Yeah.

He got married and then divorced and was on the streets in Florida by 1976, unfortunately. That's very fast. Yeah. That's very, very fast. Especially when you're trying to be president in 84. I feel like, yeah, that's going to not really, you're really going to have to work on that grassroots campaign. Yeah. He has an estranged daughter who had no idea he was even alive until he was eaten alive since the attack has been allowed to live at the Medicaid facility indefinitely. And he's still there to this day.

Rudy Eugene, on the other hand, is still dead. He's no longer zombified. But let's talk about his life and see what we can piece together the why of it all. Born and raised in Miami, Eugene's parents emigrated from Haiti shortly after his birth.

He grew up in a religious household and was a high school football star. After high school, he mostly worked dead-end jobs, bouncing between fast food restaurants and telemarketing companies. At the time of the attack, he was working at a car wash.

Though even in adulthood, he remained religious, was always carrying around a Bible. Still, Rudy was a very angry man and had a history of violent behavior. His marriage ended a few years prior, and according to his ex-wife, he was physically abusive. He'd been arrested eight times, including one incident where he trashed his mother's home and threatened to kill her.

Most of the other arrests were marijuana related, and he had a weed habit, which according to his girlfriend, he was trying to kick. Unfortunately, that weed habit was his only redeemable quality. Which brings us to the main culprit, the alleged explanation for this unthinkable act. Drugs.

Side note, Rudy's then-girlfriend was pretty much the only one who didn't blame drugs. She was convinced it was a voodoo curse. Yeah, she said that he was taken over and he was possessed by Damon. But, I mean, you know, it's just more just an excuse. You have to try it. Is your boyfriend? No.

It's hard to explain it somehow. I kissed him, and he ate that man's face. Because eating a face is truly the... It's just a different type of crime than he's ever done. Yeah. You know, and the rest of us, we're thinking it was probably drugs. Specifically, bath salts. Well...

What are they? I remember the hoopla at the time and thinking people were actually smoking bath and body works. I remember that. Turns out not to be true. If it were, it would have made for a great smelling zombie. Hey, do you guys smell fresh cotton sheets? Run! Run!

Oh, God, I knew it. I knew it was that Yankee candle shit. Hello, 911. I'm being eaten alive by a man that smells like Christmas cookies. Oh, incredible. Where did you get that breath? Well, bath salts are actually the street name for synthetic amphetamines you buy at a gas station under brands like Vanilla Sky or Cloud 9.

They're called designer drugs, not because they're fancy, but because they're chemically designed to duck the law. So these are like Spice and all that shit. Yeah, all that crazy shit. Yeah, Spice is insane. In Brooklyn, Spice used to be just fucking... It took over. It really took over. Oh, yeah. The Myrtle Broadway stopped. It was a fucking disaster. Yeah, because fucking that big boy Deli was selling all that shit out in front. The Cowmen recorded our album like...

two doors down from there, so every time you had to walk past all these fucking spice zombies. Yeah, I saw a woman walking through the middle of the street there and a car honking at her, and so she started headbutting the hood of the car. Jesus. That's true New Yorker. I lived off that stuff for two years. Most bath salts are man-made version of cathinone, a derivative of a South African shrub called the cot plant.

Practically unknown to us, but over 20 million people in the Arabian Peninsula and East Africa chew cot leaves daily. It was chosen because it's an easy molecule to tweak. And due to its relative obscurity, these shady designer labs realized they could easily evade legality by constantly changing one or two aspects of the formula. It's like avoiding copyright infringement.

Yeah. It's exactly what they do with spice as well. Yeah. They're constantly tweaking it to stay one step ahead of the DEA. They don't even update the branding when they change the recipe. They just put new crap in the same bag. So 2012's Vanilla Sky is completely different than 2014's Vanilla Sky. Why waste the bags, I guess? Super environmental. Yeah.

Wow, that is nice. Yeah. And back then, the prevalent Vanilla Sky iteration was MDPV, street name Monkey Dust. Yes, I know. Sounds awesome. Yeah, it does. Yeah, I do like it. Would you like to come with me and enjoy and perhaps smoke this bowl of monkey dust? Yeah!

Wow. Okay. Now, anyone familiar with the dust knows that it's a strong high, but it doesn't make you crave flesh. Like any upper, it mostly makes you pitch horrible business ideas and punch cards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can do stuff like not be able to have sex. Shit a lot. Yeah. I got an idea. Shoes for birds. Lice it. Lice it. Lice it. It's a market no one's thinking about.

Everyone was very surprised when Eugene's autopsy came up clean. The toxicology reports directly contradict the public consciousness that this was, in fact, done by Batsall. Yeah, because it took over the whole country. Everybody was talking and screaming about Batsall because they're looking for an excuse as to why he did this. And it just seems like he went temporarily mad or legitimately just...

We talk about this a little bit on last podcast, like the concept of, you know, sometimes going crazy is just about sort of giving yourself the permission to give in to a very dark impulse in the moment because you've just decided to stop caring. Like, it's just like, and yes, that is what the madness is, but this guy, like, essentially...

Just decided to say, fuck all normal life. Maybe. I mean, he did just, he seems like a man who had mental problems, definitely, but violent mental problems, unlike most people who have mental problems. But it seemed like he really did just turn off the safety. Yes. So maybe it was voodoo. If it was, Eugene was likely possessed by a voodoo god, a.k.a. Aloha.

Maybe it was Baran Kriminelle, who was known to eat the flesh of his host if he isn't presented with the food he likes. Or perhaps it was Congo Savan, a man-eating loa who grinds his victims into corn. I would say the last one was the most—that would be the most likely one, because the middle one, that guy, he would have—Rudy would have eaten himself. Yeah, he would have done it. He would have convinced him to do it, yeah. Well, listen, I have another theory, all right?

On May 16th, 2012, 11 days before the attack, the Senate introduced a bill called the Synthetic Drug Abuse Prevention Act, which directly banned monkey dust, classifying it as a Schedule I narcotic, as illegal as it gets. So the words monkey dust are in the books in America? I believe so. That's amazing.

Now, the gas station drug business is founded on skirting drug legislation, staying one step ahead of the man. And you bet they had another formula in the hopper, which surfaced in the EU as early as 2011, called Alpha PVP, street name Flocka, or gravel. Okay.

Oh, yeah. I remember Flocka. I remember Flocka very well. Flocka would soon gain infamy specifically in South Florida, the epicenter being the suburbs of Dade and Broward counties, starting in early 2013, peaking in 2015 until it was finally classified as Schedule 1 all the way in 2017. Compared to Monkey Dust, Flocka hits differently.

Mm-hmm.

It caused one Fort Lauderdale man to try and break down the front door of a police station, and when that failed, he climbed their spike fence and impaled himself on it. That case was closed pretty quickly. Another flock ahead in Anaheim out by us stripped

naked and started charging your cars like a bull. This stuff doesn't just make zombies, it makes fast zombies. World War Z, train to Busan. 28 days later. Zombies, yes. Now watch this shit. Watch the Anaheim guy. I got a video of it. I just want y'all to see it.

That guy was just charging at me. He was fast, dude. That was fast. Completely naked. Well, this is a video got into her car at her Anaheim apartment. Apparently, she didn't ruin any clothes. Saturday night. She never saw this coming. And then all of a sudden, on the rearview mirror of my vehicle, I see this naked guy just running towards my

neighbor's car, which was parked right next to me. Police say security tape shows 21-year-old Garrett Smith throwing himself into her neighbor Charlie Barnes' minivan. Dude, get him at the combine. Her neighbor told me the story and I didn't believe her at first. Vidrio panicked. Once he fell back, I was scared. I was shocked. I didn't know what else to do, so I backed up. Right into her neighbor's fence. As she tried to get away, the suspect charged at her. That's when he jumped on my vehicle.

Whoa! That's awesome! Yeah! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

That's incredible. Yeah, it's fucking nuts what this shit does to you. So back in May 2012, monkey dust is criminalized, and these labs have alpha PVP waiting in the wings, specifically ready to launch in South Florida. And when you know South Beach would likely get the first shipment, so it's possible Eugene was on gravel?

No way to know now. Well, one thing we know that did turn up in his autopsy was a handful of unidentifiable pills. And while medical examiners at the time could test for monkey dust, they had nothing for alpha PVP. They had no idea it existed yet. They didn't develop that test until late 2013. That's fascinating. So he was just probably on something else. Most likely. Yeah, he's on Flocka. Did you read about where Flocka is growing now?

No. The Netherlands. Oh, my God. Like, as of April of this year, it says the use of the extremely addictive drug Flocka is increasing, and the zombie drug is causing more problems in the Netherlands. Last year, Dutch cops responded to 995 incidents involving Flocka users. Oh, my God. Up from 614 a year early. Let's try it! Ugh.

Let's get some. Yeah, I want to try it. Well, it's for the new intern. Yeah, the new intern. So you're going to try to do, it's like, okay, you got to do, you got to go to Costco on Flocka. But barely it's been like since 2018. These are people with inexplicable behavior who cause nuisance. For example, people walk the street at night, naked or not, and then sneak into the gardens of local residences. Yeah.

So there you have it. On May 26, 2012, I think Rudy Eugene stopped off at a Circle K, grabbed five water bottles and a pack of new and improved Vanilla Sky on his way to a hip-hop concert and came back as a zombie with a hankering for Italian beef. Yeah. Was he the Causeway Cannibal or was he really Flock of Patient Zero? Probably both. So, in short, why is Florida so fucked up?

Is it really worse than Ohio? I've read the news. I don't know. Crazy shit happens everywhere, right? But in Florida, it's got that little extra oomph, you know, because it's an end-of-the-world society. People in Florida do dumb shit. I mean, when I was 22, I bought an AK-47 with my tax return to protect my drugs. Yeah.

Do you know what it's like to live in a place that's August for 11 months out of the goddamn year? It's hot, man. And it makes you crazy. And then we drink because we're hot and now we're drunk and we're crazy. Okay. It's also just the place that renegades have been going for a long ass fucking time. The place is a ticking time bomb. Every time a hurricane comes, you're like, all right, this could be it.

The waters are coming in three blocks into Miami Beach. Multiple mayors have been screaming at multiple presidents about it. You got dinosaurs in your backyard. People releasing exotic pets. There's new animals every other month. When I was a kid, there were no iguanas. Now there's statues of them. Okay? Okay.

Floridians are fighting a war against the swamp and the swamp will win. It's not if it's when the mangroves are the only thing holding in the Everglades. And once they die, the ocean connects to one of the biggest swamps in the world and everything's underwater.

Now, if that doesn't make you want to pack your pipe full of monkey dust, I don't know what the fuck will. Hey, monkey dust is only going to keep you more agitated in the end time. So I say switch to that indica monkey dust. You don't want some of that sleepy time monkey dust. That's panda dust. Yes, you're right. Yes, koala. Yes, some koala.

Yeah, so that's Florida Files, Eaten Alive. Special shout out to Grant Gordon, who helped research and write the script for this, and Disney Dan for helping me research the story of Lane Graves. That's good work, Eddie. Good work. Thank you so much. Great work. Trim down a floor.

And we learned a lot. And I don't want to go back. Yeah, I can't wait for more Florida Files. But we're going to be back. Just so you know, we're also going to be doing some live shows in Florida. We're figuring out when we're doing that. But we will be doing that. Yes. For those of you to check it, go to lastpodcastandleft.com. We're in Atlanta. That's close. Yeah, that's going to be in January. Yeah, we're going to be in Atlanta at the Coca-Cola Theater. Whatever Coca-Cola Theater that is. You know what it is. The Roxy. The Coca-Cola Roxy. The Coca-Cola Roxy. Yeah. Go out to patreon.com slash lastpodcastandleft. Don't watch us yell and scream. Go to...

to LP on the left at all the various socials to see us on socials and you'll get your socials and go to twitch.tv slash LP on TV. Yeah. You get the Twitch shows and then go to YouTube on our YouTube to watch them after the fact. New York City will be there the first week of December at King's Theater in Brooklyn. I can't wait for that fucking show. That's going to be amazing. I've wanted to play that place my whole fucking life.

And then, of course, Atlanta in January, Dallas in February, and then we move to the Ryman in March, Detroit in April, and Toronto in May. We got a lot of shows coming up. Come get your tickets now. Go to that VIP experience when we do a Q&A afterwards. It's like you're getting a fucking second show. Yeah, we have a great time. Yeah, and you get a sign poster and a lanyard.

I know Henry loves. Go to lastpodcastontheleft.com to see when those dates are and to see where you can buy those tickets. Thank you so much, Edward. No problem. Really good work. Thank you, guys. I love you guys. Also, quick, HGX2, the Hoop-a-Google game, coming back December 12th, 6 p.m. Pacific, 9 p.m. Eastern to the LPN Twitch channel. That's twitch.tv slash LPN TV. And let's just say that there may be a little bit of

musical accompaniment on this episode. Oh, I wonder who that might be. Who's it going to be? Interesting. All right. Well, hail sweet Satan, everyone. Hail Lane Graves. Yeah, leave the little dogs at home in Florida. Leave them at home. Take them to a park. Yeah. Front yard's good. Yes. Front yard's better. Get a fence.