Episode 598: The Horrible Lives and Deaths of the Saints - The OGs
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Where are Mother Teresa's bones? Are you quizzing? I would know. I would feel the shards. Where are Mother Teresa's bones? I have a business opportunity. Listen, where are Mother Teresa's bones? I'm looking it up right now. According to how she's in the mother house, of course. Yeah. Uh,

This liar. The mother house. Is it Calcutta? This black liar. What? Was she in Calcutta? She is in a... Where is it in Calcutta? I think it's next to Calcutta Cleveland. And no, it was in... Yeah, Mother Teresa's tomb is in Kolkata. It is in Calcutta. Because she had such good memories there. Absolutely. She was laughing, laughing when she was telling people they couldn't have their food. No, she was like... One of her favorite things is being like, Oh, look, it seems you have dropped...

Mother Teresa if we smash up her bones and we piss all over her bones and we take that piss because of the magic of Catholicism the piss becomes magical the

Then we're making our own magic piss using the bones of Mother Teresa. And that's called money making money because piss is cheap. You can just get a priest to bless your piss. No. Yeah. No. That's got to be filtered. They do this shit all the time. You got to filter it through something else. What they do is one way they keep saints bones. This is true. They smash them up into little Dorito sized pieces and they put them in giant vase and then people pour oil in the top that comes up.

the bottom, so it runs all over the bones, and then magically, the oil becomes magic because of the bones. The magic bones. Yeah. And that's why when you piss in it, too, that becomes magic piss, and God has to like it, because God set up the fucking rules. Except it was man who did it.

Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen. Technically, this is a magic episode. My name is Marcus Parks. Bring me Mother Teresa's bones. I want her skin. I want her organs. I want her face. I'm here with the entrepreneurial Henry Zebrowski. Because that's all you need. That's the collateral. I heard St. Francis of Assisi gave his bones to the dogs because he liked animals. You know...

Is it true? Is it true? Sidestories.photl.gmail.com. And if you're emailing me, though, at the same time, send me him on the Teresa's Bucks. And we're here with the fun fact-filled Ed Larson. That's right, man. St. Jerome. He loved playing with skulls. Yeah.

He did. Who's that? Saint Jerome. The actual Saint Jerome? Yeah, the actual Saint Jerome. He's known for loving skulls? Yeah, well, the only picture I saw of him, he's holding a skull and looking at it like it's Hamlet. I think sometimes that was what TV was. You just guess what the face used to look like. Why won't you talk to me? One day I'll bury you. But not this day. And this day I turn you into a bong. BONG!

That's right. It's true. Oh, St. Jerry. I didn't realize I'm the only Protestant bastard in this room. Both of y'all are Catholic. I'm fully, I'm indoctrinated. I'm in the cult. I'm fucking, I'm confirmed. Yeah. And you can't leave if you're confirmed. What's your confirmation name? Xavier. Oh, Xavier. I did it because of comic books. Cool. Yeah. And I'm St. Poppo, they said, because I wanted to pick the dumbest name in the St. Poppo.

You truly were sort of almost like a brave figure in a way because you were openly against God. Yeah, I hated it. In Catholic school. Me too. They used to call me little devil kid and used to do this at me. No, I used to always tell them that it doesn't make any sense. And then when I left Catholic school, because I hated Catholic school, one day I told my parents that if they sent me back to Catholic school, I was going to fail on purpose. And so then I

Rudy Giuliani did. Then I told my Jewish father, I was like, I want to go to free school. And then I was able to go to that school. They sent me to CCD to finish out my learnings. CCD, that sounds like a fucking juvie center. CCD is the Sunday school, essentially, for Catholics. Yeah, where you got to go on

Sunday or like after school to learn about Catholicism more but the thing is I went to Catholic school so I knew more than the fucking teachers did and so I'm just sitting there playing on my ass and every time they're like Ed oh you seem to know a lot and I'm like ask me something ask me something about Jesus Christ you know I fucking got your ass man guess what Jesus was Indian

Was he? If he was anything. I don't think he was Indian. He was in there. I think India's a really long ways away from the Middle East. He was Asian. He was Israeli. Yeah. I don't know.

Now he's worm food. To put it simply, the reason why we're talking about saints is precisely because of how they become saints. Their significance in Catholic, Orthodox, Anglican, and Lutheran churches come from their acts of holiness, sacrifice, and martyrdom, a.k.a. magic, torture, and getting murdered. It's fun. Yeah, honestly, it does sound like a fun topic altogether, but only religion can make this boring. Yeah.

But because of the horrible fates of the saints, they're considered closer to God than the average Joe. And they have some of the worst deaths you can imagine that usually come as a result of religious persecution. Well, especially if your main dude is the flayed Savior Boy.

you are, of course, then going to view that as good. Oh, yeah. We're going to get into that angle of it here in a bit. You know what's weird is, like, if you're a good guy and you just help out everyone and then you die of cancer, no one gives a shit. No one gives a shit. You have to get your fucking guts turned into jump ropes in order for people to fucking give a fuck. And I think that that's a thing that we should start talking about. I think that too many people get called survivors. Yeah, these priests just die of natural causes. Yeah, they just get to go up.

flannels. Mother Teresa should have been cut in four parts. Like, if we were really going to make her a saint, because they Cal cut her in two parts. Thank you. Thank you. And that comes from the pun-ish-ment center of the Vatican.

Well, today we're going to start with the OG saints, the ones who existed before the advent of the Holy Roman Empire. This was a time when Christianity was decidedly more magical, and Jesus, according to the stories, would pop down to earth from time to time to kind of, sort of help out, sometimes, maybe.

Hey, you know, hey, what's going on, everybody? You blind? Hey, now you can see. See how ugly I am? Back to blind. 40 times. Where are you from? Please do not give me marbles to hold. No, it's how I slip through. Like sands through the hourglass. Well, in a way, the stories of the saints, they're sort of like DLC for the Bible. It's bonus content. Mm-hmm.

Saints build on the original concepts of God, Satan, demons, and angels intervening in the lives of everyday people. Except with Saints, it's done through lightning strikes or miraculous healings, and they involve a whole new cast of characters and a whole different kind of story. Yeah, it's like a different stroke.

You remember different strokes when they go into college? Different world. Different world, yeah. Different strokes was scary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What you talking about, Willis? I thought you meant there was like a spinoff of different strokes called Different Stroke. Different Stroke. Singular. Which is just the father. The father of that having a stroke and trying to figure out how to jerk off again. God, I love the old television. They don't make shows like this anymore.

But the upside to being a saint is that according to some, you're allowed to skip the line and get directly into heaven instead of waiting for the day of judgment like everyone else. Or at least that's how it worked way back when. Ancient Christianity has almost nothing to do with modern Christianity. Like what it all turned into from the old, old, old days, like right after Jesus quote unquote died. Like this is like, it really was like,

Much closer to the ancient pagan, like, actual magical process thought. Of course. It took a long time. They had to make it white. You know what I mean? Like, they had to take it out and they had to strip all the fun out of it in order to convince you, the parishioner, that you had no power and that you had to speak to the priest that is the only person that could gatekeep God.

Yeah. And that took a long time. They were like the Scientologists of the day. Yes. No, yeah. Yeah, because everyone's like, what the fuck are you talking about? No, it's 20 guns. You're a fucking idiot. Yeah. Well, today, canonization is a whole different deal. But we're going to cover the more modern saints and how they come to be a part of the lore in a future episode. This is...

is pre-Constantinopelian. Pre-Constantinopelian. And you'll have to wait for Saints of the Future! I am Saint 45794. I am in charge of our plastic angels. Eliminate Jewish. Oh, cut off her breasts.

Really fun stuff. That's just a funny sketch. Just a room of malfunctioning robot saints is a really fun idea.

But the thing about the saints is that they make Christianity a little stickier. Because not only can you pray to God God for the big stuff. Big arch, big umbrella stuff. Yeah. You can also choose a personal mascot for your faith who can protect you from illnesses and situations while also assisting you in your profession. They are middle managers.

For the Godhead, who is supposed to literally be the most powerful creative force in the face of the planet. But what this shows you is that sometimes God...

doesn't care and that he needs to pass you off to his other guy. Oh, you want to do well in your roller skating competition? Talk to Saint Rollesifer. He's the guy in Saint of Wheels. I got to do shit like make volcanoes that kill deer that no one can see. Well, saints don't perform miracles per se. Only God or Jesus are supposed to be able to do that. They can intercede on God's behalf.

For example, if you're a sailor out at sea during a storm, you can pray to Saints Nicholas, Christopher, or Elmo. And one of them might tell you to take a right instead of a left while the ship is getting tossed. And suddenly, that rolling barrel that might have knocked you overboard, it misses your path. Maybe. Maybe. Similarly, if you're having problems with something in particular, like say you got a problem with your feet.

You can invoke Saint Servatius. Yes, and he shows up. I'm a sucker toad. Oh, yes, this little piggy went straight down my throat. I love the New York Jets.

He's the patron saint of foot ailments. Oh, good. So he might help you out with your foot problems, or at least he could give you some comfort. It's like the guy that got caught for sucking all the toes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, the guy in Big Bear that was like breaking into people's homes and sucking on their toes while they were sleeping. Oh. Real saint-like behavior. You see, this is what is interesting about the function of the saint.

is that it comes out of the very, very OG way of practicing

Practicing Christianity. So for a while, like when it first started, I was watching, I watched a good documentary on it. And they watched a, the, uh, the Christian church would, they'd have some formal churches and temples, but that's not really the main way. Cause they were, the way the religion developed is that actually they had developed in secret. And part of the way it developed is that the, the worship services would largely be in crypt.

They would go into ground. They would go into tombs. And also, most of the time, the way these functions did is that there was a loose group of believers and there was a guy that would be the intercedent for you and God. They believed this guy was that he was holier than all the rest of us for some reason, probably because he didn't work.

And then what he did was like, say they would pray to him while he was alive. And then what would happen is that he would die. And then that person would be then their bones would be put in the crypt where they're working. And one thing they noticed is a very early Christian establishments is that when you went into a crypt, there would be benches and you'd have bones all along, all around them. And you'd see written words written on the walls to the

bones as intercedents for them to talk directly to God. Because again, God's Pizzini doesn't give a fuck about you. So you need an agent. You're supposed to have an agent. This is what we believe in Catholicism. Representative. So when that guy would die, that's where all this started.

where this guy, a person, and then it would eventually become like, what if that guy was like a super popular version of that? The guy that would die and then when he was dead would then become the direct way to talk to God. And this was also based off of the hero cults of the Greek and Roman myths, like things like

Hercules, those are based off real people. Like, those stories are all based off real, actual heroes of the time that then people would use as an intermediary. And largely, this kind of just comes from the fact that we as humans love polytheistic religions. Yeah. And this is a way to cheat that. Right.

inside of it. And we also love novelty. We love something new. We love a new story and we love having variety. And merch. Yeah, merch. The rosary beads. Oh dude, it's merch out the fucking eon. And it's fucking necromancy. This whole thing is necromancy because it's about talking, which is the reason why nobody else liked the Catholics. Because we had this little function where everybody else had like, essentially, they could talk directly to God. God wasn't busy enough for them. Yeah, and also cannibalism.

Yeah. Because you eat Jesus and drink his blood. That's later. Yeah. Yeah, we'll get to that here in a bit.

Well, saints also serve as examples because the whole point of a saint is that they were persecuted for being Christians but never wavered in their faith. Today, though, saints are more used as models of endurance, a story to point to as to why you should still come to church and give them your money week after week even though your life still fucking sucks. Like Saint Cal Ripken Jr. I cooked him nachos once. Oh, yeah? How was he? He was delightful. He was delightful. Well, I never met him, but, you know, the waitress said he was nice. Yeah.

And then they stole his mother. Well, the problem is that because of the continuation of these stories of oppression, because that's what saints' stories are, especially these old ones. They're stories of Christians being oppressed. Many Christians today still have a massive persecution complex they just can't fucking drop. Many? Many.

Or all. And they really do need to drop that fucking persecution complex for all our sakes, because the persecution we're going to be talking about today is 2,000 years old. It keeps coming. It doesn't keep coming. It ended a very long time ago. Also, the persecution here is, they are using it as propaganda within the church to say, don't you want to be a saint? The way you do that is to make sure you die alive.

extra gnarly for Jesus Christ. And it has to make that gnarly death like an advertisement. Like, we want you to do this. Like, please. Please be flipped over on a grill four or five times. Now, amongst many other sources, kudos to co-producer Madeline Shaw for gathering them, we also used a book called Saints Preserve Us by Sean Kelly and Rosemary Rogers in our quest towards today's hagiographies. Saints Preserve Us! Saints Preserve Us!

Now, it is believed that suspicion of Christians and their subsequent persecution began in 64 AD with the Great Fire of Rome, which burned for six days before being reignited to burn for a further three. Right.

and rock and roll. It was rumored that Emperor Nero created the fire himself to rebuild his palace and some of the more run-down parts of Rome so he could increase taxation. It's basically engaging in an extreme form of gentrification. When we were in the British Museum, I was reading a thing about Nero as we were sitting there. And it is interesting because largely the stories about Nero seem to have been because he was so popular and young and then eventually blamed a lot of stuff on him afterwards.

But no matter what the real story is, Nero still needed someone to blame for the fire that had swallowed much of Rome. And Christians were convenient scapegoats. See, before this, people didn't really give a shit about Christians one way or another because they had no bearing on how people lived their daily lives. But

But because they were seen as having such bizarre beliefs, what with their one God that was also a man, but also a ghost, they were easy to otherize in a society that worshipped thousands of gods. Because the older religions, God is a lot more nebulous. And what the Christian religion did was essentially, I feel like maybe, I'm obviously speaking entirely out of school, but it really seems that they like the concept of nebulousness.

He started, that God started as a dude. He started as a dude and it shows you, it shows you what you can do in this life if you're just meek enough. If you're just humble enough, you become the ever-loving Lord of all existence. You know, it never made any sense to me because it's like, is he God of just earth?

Is God also in charge of the moon? Is he in charge of the entire universe? Yeah, the entire universe. The heavens are also like heaven and the heavens are two different things. But then some people say heaven technically was a planet and a place that was considered for a long time. So Jesus is Earth's delegate.

As far as we know. You're talking like this is gym talk. We're in a cult store talk. You're slowly going to be covered in turquoise. You're not allowed to go to Sedona with this line of thinking. All right?

I can't allow you to go because you're going to come back. You're going to not wear pants anymore. Yeah, and you're going to be talking about the Pleiadians, and I can't deal with that shit. I know you're this far. I know that it's funny. You think it's me, but I think that you're the closest to start showing up in a tunic. I mean, what if an alien's coming, one of them's wearing a cross? We're fucked. Oh, we're, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. Well, because I feel like they would do it more than that.

Much like what we were talking before the show. That's like a punk thing. Well, to redirect the anger about a fire that destroyed nearly three quarters of Rome, Nero ordered that roughly 900 Christians be punished for starting the fire and keeping it going. Some were crucified, but quite a few were torn apart by wild dogs. Cool. Yeah, they like that over there. Crucify him. Yeah.

I just want to be able to say that once. Say what? Crucify him. You can say it whenever you want. I do a lot. Nothing happens. I do it in the car. I do it at the dentist. Well, that's how you should put down Wendy. Crucify her. Are you sure we can't just give her the shot? No. No.

No! She must serve as an example. Open the keys to dark heaven! As far as the motivation for starting the fires went, it was said that Christians hated Rome and therefore hated all of humanity because of their worship of this one God who was nowhere to be found in the Roman pantheon.

See, to Romans, church, state, and private life were all intertwined, meaning that the fortune and strength of not only your day-to-day existence, but the empire itself depended on which god was mad at you that day. They've been kicking it down to the fucking single person for this whole time, dawg. Mm-hmm.

So if you went against this notion by worshiping one god, and if your religion had rules saying that all other gods were just different heads of your religion's bad guy in disguise, then that meant that you could fuck things up for everyone.

And so, the Romans began spreading rumors about Christians, saying that they only met at night so they could eat the flesh of innocent Romans. Yes, yes. And engage in incest most foul. Yes, fuck your sister, fuck your brother. Yeah, do it for Christ. Well, basically, they took the concepts of the Eucharist and the Christian practice of calling each other brother and sister, and they made them literal. They really did. They did the thing, right?

It's a smear tactic. Yeah. They would just say, every single time they would do these sort of activities, saying, calling each other brother and sister, talking about like the- Oh, you're calling each other brother, you guys fuck your brothers? You fucking your brother? Yeah.

oh, that's your dude sucking your brother's dick? Even though technically I don't think that they even, well, dick sucking was around. They loved dick sucking in Rome. Oh, no, I know. Don't worry about that. I don't think that's an issue today. I actually feel like, weirdly, I think it was the opposite where it was just like you had all these fucking pains in the asses Christians showing up and they weren't sucking dick. And in Rome, everybody was already sucking dick and

fucking and they didn't even have I feel like they didn't have concepts for like sexual identities in Rome like it was all just all over the place where it's just like they did it they stunk it up I remember we had the concept of a sketch that we never wrote that was called Jeffrey Dahmer time traveling police officer yeah and then he goes to Rome and he's like this is great this is where I belong yeah I remember that what

Being gay isn't a thing? Murder is legal? Oh, the cutting room floor of the Murder Fist Riders room. So many brilliant ideas slipped through our fingers. Why aren't we on Jimmy Kimmel? Well,

But Christians were also blamed for environmental disasters like plague, drought, or earthquakes because their worship of one weird god was making the Roman gods really angry. I'm starting to actually think this is, they're correct. I'm starting to think that we gotta go back. We gotta start talking to fucking Odin again. Well, the Roman gods were imposters. They were all fucking, they were all, the Greek gods changed their names. Yeah, and all the Greek gods were just like guys that walked around and they gave them funny names. They were broke.

That was the problem. Yeah, bad economy. I kicked out of the EU. It's been bad there. It's been bad in Athens. Now, yes, Christians were killed in absolutely horrendous ways. They really were ripped to shreds in Roman amphitheaters by wild animals for the amusement of the public, and they really were tortured most terribly and burned alive en masse. It was like in the Colosseum in the front row. People used to get pulled in all the time, too. Really? Yeah, it's like the front row was apparently fucking nuts. I agree.

It sounded fun in a way. Well, they had Navy battles with crocodiles. It was crazy. Remember when we saw it? Yeah, we were there. It's like how they have that whole underground section of theatrical stuff that would lift. Man, it must have been awesome. It was very cool. Yeah, built in the year 72. I remember.

I believe. 72? Good memory, Eddie. What the fuck? You smoke way too much weed. Random shit gets put in there. It's literally sitting on a weed nug. That one thought. 72 AD! Remember me, Eddie?

But sometime in the second century, stories began to appear of Christians being given magical powers through direct intervention by God himself or a failing God, Jesus.

Now, obviously, this was propaganda designed to keep people in the faith because Christians could always believe that there was a chance that they could be one of the Christians whom God arbitrarily decided to bless personally. And the more Christian you were, the more likely it seemed that you would receive God's favor. Isn't it weird? Like, not to get too MSNBC about this, but, like, it is interesting is that you see that statement and then you realize, oh, the Christians...

still think that they just think it about billionaires. They legitimately are like, it's the same thought process. If I pay fealty to him enough. If I just am good enough, Elon himself will pick me. Like, Elon's going to allow me to hang out and make the, he might. And I will go to heaven, which is, you know, a nice house. Yeah, Tesla. It's a Tesla burning in the bottom of a canyon. Sure, yeah, I'll pick you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So long, Obama. Obama. Obama.

But it obviously worked out quite well for the Christians in the end, and it instilled a sort of stubbornness in the religion that persists to this day. That's what Christians are. Stubborn. Really fucking stubborn. It would not have worked, however, if the stories hadn't been good.

And since humans love a good bloody story, I don't think they would have worked half as well had they not been as incredibly violent as they are. One scholar said that specifically the stories were exaggerated. Yeah. Like it was to stoke a reaction. So-

Yeah, I mean, we all want them to have their hands cut off and their tits cut off and their faces cut off. We like that. We all like that as a group. Also, it was told to each other. Like, it was told, like, person to person. And did you hear they also cut their tits off? Exactly. Oh, great. Thanks, Brad. Wow. Live from Northland. Man. Yo! Yo!

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Now, one of the earliest saint stories involves an enslaved woman named Blandina who lived in what is now the city of Lyon in France. So maybe it's Blandino. Oh, yeah. I thought I was Blandina. Yeah.

Boy and Dina, you get back in here. Boy and Dina, get off the hog. Yeah, where are you from? Lying France? Yeah, I bet. And there's stupid lies. Well, I'm from truth America. See, this is during the reign of Marcus Aurelius, who had decreed that while Roman citizens who were Christian, they would be quickly beheaded upon discovering their faith, non-citizens, like slaves, they needed to be tortured first.

So once Blandina was outed as a Christian, she was brought to the Amphitheater of the Three Gauls to be publicly tortured and killed. I love that name. Bring her to the Amphitheater of the Three Gauls. You got it, boss. Blandina. Come on, y'all. Woo, woo, woo, woo. Now be careful of them Gauls. They'll steal your fries if you're not paying attention. Yeah, that's the biggest crime that happens out of one of these activities.

She tasted like shit. Yeah.

Yeah, that's the problem. They didn't want to lick. Sometimes. Maybe the periods ran them away. Maybe the periods ran them away. Maybe them periods don't ran them away. You know what? That's some good math, Cesarius. Sounds like something would come out of the mouth of the fucking inbred family in the town where I grew up. You can't think that maybe the periods scared them.

You don't know. They don't. They like Fritz meat. Blandina. Well, a few days later. You got them jellies? Blandina, you got jellies today? A few days later, Blandina was brought back to the arena where she was whipped, placed on a red hot grate, and enclosed in a net before being thrown to the mercy of an enraged bull. That finally killed her.

Now that's how you kill a Blandina. Good work, everybody. Good work. But since she had prayed to God during her first round in the arena and he'd saved her at least once, she became Saint Blandina.

You know, he should save you all the way. Yeah. No, he never does. No, he really doesn't. That's the whole point. That's why they didn't eat her, because she was bland. They put a little pepper on her, a little salt, some garlic. Yeah, call me again when she's cumin Dina. You know what I mean? Oh, man, Pepper Dina? Pepper Dina. Pepper Dina, you get over here. That's her spicy sister from Mexico.

It makes total sense that martyrdom became a central feature of early Christianity. Because after all, the whole point of Jesus coming to Earth was so he could be killed for the sins of humanity. Not if you asked Jesus early on. He'd be like, maybe we could think about me just sort of doing this symbolically, huh? But while there were absolutely people who went to their deaths defiantly clinging to their Christian faith, people like Blandina, you're not going to have much stickiness if it's the same story over and over again.

So the lives and deaths of martyrs came to be greatly embellished with magic, just like Christians embellish the history of Jesus with magic. And that's if there really was a guy 2,000 years ago who was simply walking around telling people to be nice to each other. That's cool and everything, but it's a better story if he's a wizard. They actually are pretty certain that he was. I did some research, and I've had so many people call me an edgelord 14-year-old for saying that Jesus didn't exist, but there is yet still...

actual proof that he existed. But there is a, you know, there's some talk around it, but it seems like mostly was they were really confused about his ability to rile people up. Yeah. And he was definitely a human man with like a wife and like had a, if that was all real, like then that's what he was just some guy who was a rabbi. Yeah, that's why Pontius Pilate famously came out and said, Hey, who wants to kill a loud mouth? Hey, me! Yeah.

Oh, I want a dude. Stupid name, though, Pontius. Oh, man. Aren't you glad we don't got stupid names like Pontius no more? Not like me. My name's Coroglio. And me, Mr. Ding Dongs. Oh, yeah, Jerry Ding Dongs. Ready to pierce the Christ.

Now just as there were magical relics stemming from Jesus, like the Shroud of Turin. Fake! Pieces of the True Cross. Fake! And the Spear of Destiny. Fake! The bones, ashes, and blood-stained clothing of saints have become magical objects too. And they're very real. And those are real. These were venerated in churches first in secret, then as tourist attractions for converts. Come see the

bones of the boy saint, Sassianus, and toss a ducat into the plate on your way out. They talked about, it's true, it also fed the merchant world. They would have these, first it would start as a secret worship place, then it would become a public worship place where people would come and then they'd start selling, one of the most found artifacts of the day is these things that are little flasks, right, that people would collect.

the saint oil with. And they would point the, like exactly what I said. They would have a thing called like a rectory, I think it was called. I forgot what it was called. Where they put the things in. It was like the veneration box. Rectory sounds right. And they would collect it, but then they'd start selling the little flask. And then eventually, a whole market would evolve right there. And they literally, the saints became the first version of like, fuck

Like big old traffic stops. Big rest stops that you'd go and buy shit at. Maybe that's what you need to do to get Mother Teresa's bones. Put some money on the table. I don't think you can afford Mother Teresa, but we can probably get you some other little guy. Honestly, I just need one. I just need one bone. The reason why I want Mother Teresa, just because she's the most recent

And it's all like lies. She's not the most recent saint. She is. There was that kid who just became a saint recently. Again, but they're all lies, dude. Yeah, but there was like a 17-year-old kid who just died and became a saint. I just feel like in the end, I want to see a miracle on camera if we're doing this now. Well, you don't have to have a miracle. You have to have a miracle to be attached to you. With Mother Teresa, what they did was after.

the fact after she died is that some guy was like i couldn't see before and then i prayed to mother theresa's ghost now i can see and they're like done because she didn't go she didn't work or whatever oh my god the latest saint here's a kid his name is carlo acutis oh yeah i bet he's referred to as god's influencer and the patron saint of the internet yep what was his miracle

He was a computer whiz. Was his miracle Taylor Swift's rise? He's the first millennial saint. Yeah. What was his miracle? Didn't

I don't think he had one. You have to have a miracle to be a saint. I don't think you do. You do. I looked it up. I think they just have to like you. No, they have to have a miracle attributed to you. Saint Edward bought his way in. Exactly. That was the miracle. The power of money. He was beatified in October of 2020 after the Vatican officially recognized that he interceded from heaven in 2013 to save the life of a Brazilian child who was suffering from a rare pancreatic condition.

That was science. Second miracle, a girl from Costa Rica suffered a serious head trauma after falling off a bike in Florence, Italy, but recovered after the odds after her mother prayed at a cutis's tomb in Assisi. It just means, yeah, it's fine. These are not real miracles. He was a sissy, huh? He didn't fight.

But in the same vein of, you know, like martyrdom, the heroic displays helped convert people. Because if you're watching a person get ripped apart by wild dogs while basically seeing amazing grace, you're going to be impressed on some level no matter who the fuck you are. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Now, being a Christian in Roman society meant that you were basically cut off from everyone and everything else. It meant the true definition of a cult demanded you live a separate life from the rest of humanity at all times.

See, every house, marketplace, street, and tavern was filled with pagan idols, signs of Satan. In public events like festivals, sports, and theatrical performances, these were always associated with the gods, which, more Satan. You also couldn't serve in the military or public office because all that was tied up in the gods as well. You also couldn't be in any sort of like cultural profession because that was also tied up in all the gods. And you might be asking yourself,

How do the Jews fit in all this? Where's Jews? Hey, Blondina, where's Jews at? Pre-Christians. Yeah, because after all, I mean, they were around for thousands of years before the Christians even thought about this shit. Jesus was a Jewish man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But basically, it seems like Jewish people were grandfathered in because they'd just always sort of been around, and they weren't all weird and pushy about their faith like the Christians were.

So, yeah. So that was basically like... They were part of the fabric of society. Yeah, basically like, oh yeah, we're cool with them. They're cool with us. They don't bother us. We don't bother them. Everything's cool. But then eventually it would become, you know, they always were then persecuted in certain ways. Of course, yeah. For sure. But they also, they weren't trying to push their religion on anybody. No. They specifically don't have an evangelical arm. Yeah.

Yeah.

After killing an animal in front of a local official, that magistrate would give you a certificate of compliance. Now, some Christians did perform the sacrifice just to get the paper. Yeah, get it done. But most of them just faked the paperwork. And that was deemed good enough, at least for a little while. Yeah, that's good.

Honestly, I like old school red tape. And as a result, Christianity grew from an estimated 1 million followers to 6 million over the next 50 years. And by 300 AD, churches were prominent in major cities across the empire.

Now, there was one final push during what was known as the Diocletian persecution, but Emperor Constantine the Great brought that to an end when he famously converted to Christianity and issued the Edict of Milan, which gave all Romans religious freedom. Oh, nice guy! Yeah. Is he really Constantine the Great? Yeah, that's what they call him. But I mean in terms of how great was he? Well, you don't know, man. Yeah.

Yeah, we absolutely know. We have a very good idea. So why is he great? Because he made Christianity legal. He doesn't know. He doesn't fucking know. Holy Roman Empire, all that stuff. Make Constantine great again. I think. Yep. Yeah, I think.

I like putting him on the spot, really grinding shit to a fucking halt. But during the time in between, after Romans decided Christians were a good scapegoat, but before Constantine made it safe to be a Christian for literally 1,700 years now, a lot of Christians did die horrible deaths as a result of Roman policies. A select few, however, were remembered.

Whoa, Constantine named Constantinople. He made it. He built it. That's an easy guess. Yeah, that's why it's called Constantinople. Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople.

Amazing. I'm very impressed. God, I love that song.

Now, our first saint today is St. Lawrence, died 258 A.D. Larry, please. Yeah. And Lawrence was my father, and he got burned to the stake by his ass. Leisure suit Lawrence. He's the patron saint of cooks and comedians because he made a joke when he was being roasted alive by the Romans.

Now, when Lawrence was a young man, he was friends with the future pope, Sixtus II.

When Sixtus was crowned Pope in 257, he named his buddy Lawrence the Archdeacon of Rome, the treasurer of the church, and the keeper of the library of sacred books. You know, you could have asked somebody better, because I'm the kind of person, I look to write new material every day. I try to make sure that every time I go in, they do a different bit. Everybody's super entertained by what I do. Alright, that's me, Larry. I would have assumed the patron saint of comedians would have been Jewish. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

That same year, though... This is for Christian comics. This is Jim Gaffigan's saint. Yeah, this is the saint of Hot Pockets material. That same year, though, the Roman Emperor Valerian told the Christian clergy to perform sacrifices to the Roman gods or face banishment. They

The year after that, he ordered the execution of all Christian leaders in the city and decreed that anyone else who didn't worship the Roman gods would be reduced to slavery. But I don't know if I'm the kind of guy you want me to be a slave. I'm not going to work very hard. Look at my hands. Very soft, right? I sweat. It's hard for me. I don't like being outside. I like being inside. I need air conditioning. I need a nice little bench. I need a bunch of grapes. You know what I mean? You don't really want me to be in there being some kind of slave.

St. Gleason. It's by Jackie Mason. I don't know why I started doing Jackie Mason the other day alone in my house. Because he's fucking hilarious. Yeah, he's great. Now, Pope Sixtus II was captured and executed quickly. But before he died, he told Lawrence to collect the church's wealth and distribute it amongst the poor.

Overhearing this request, Roman officials told Lawrence that he had three days to round up the church's treasure and present it to the local prefect. And so Lawrence assembled a thousand orphans, widows, virgins, lepers, and people with all manner of disabilities to the prefect's palace.

And when he was ordered to present the treasures, he pointed to his poor, sick, huddled masses and said that they were the church's greatest treasures. It's called irony. It's kind of fun, right? In a way. It's a kind of fun thing. Oh, I said it's treasures because these people are all frowning. Everybody here, they suck. Everybody here, they're sick and no one wants to be around them. That's why I brought them. See what I'm doing? You're going to laugh. You're going to laugh about it.

I hate him. The Romans, predictably, were not amused. For his disobedience, Lawrence was scourged, branded, clubbed, stretched over the rack, and torn with hooks. The most famous torture, however, came when Lawrence was cooked. Come on, let's think about this. Let's think about this. I think we've already done enough. His body was placed on a gridiron, which was a new technology for the time. Oh, whoa, this is new. Whoa, wow. I got that new gridiron smell. Yeah.

He'll love it. Absolutely love it. And after he was roasted for a bit, he allegedly said, quote, Turn me over. I'm well done on this side. And that's why he's the patron saint of comedians. Come on. I saw you laugh. I saw you smile. The first roast. I wish it wasn't like this.

He supposedly survived and was able to baptize several other fellow prisoners before dying in jail. Turns out they didn't want me well done. They made me medium rare. Come on, everybody. Come on. There's no reason to be upset. You seem to be frowning at me because my face is a sea of scars. Someone throw some water on Charlie.

Our next saint, however, was not a simple archivist like Lawrence. Instead, he was a warrior, although he did seem to be somewhat slow-witted, or at the very least, easily influenced. His name was Saint Christopher, and he represents travelers, ferry boat men, and bachelors. Okay. Yeah, all the women in my family have Saint Christopher statues or, like, medals in their car to protect them when they're traveling. Dude, he's the hot one. Yeah. Yeah.

Often, Christopher is invoked against nightmares, peril from water, and sudden death. But before he was baptized as Christopher, he had one of the worst names I've ever heard. Before he was Christopher, he was named Reprobus. Goddamn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's Reprobus. Reprobus? Reprobus. Reprobus. Oh, God.

Hi. Hi. Hi, you know, hey. I'm a doctor. I work out five times a week, and I have over $100,000 in my 401k. Wow, that's so attractive. Yes, my name's Reprobus Johnson. What?

Thank God I also love to eat vomit. Yeah, until he's baptized, he's reprobus. I'm not calling on Christopher to save me. Yeah, because he honestly acts a lot more like a reprobus than a Christopher throughout his journey. Depending on the source, it's said that reprobus was somewhere between 18 and 24 feet tall in a time when giants walked the earth. Cool. This is around 3rd century B.C.,

It was said that Reprobus served the king of Canaan until he became disillusioned and decided that he wanted to serve the greatest king in all the world.

And so, after traveling for some time, he believed that he had found the greatest king, and so he pledged his service to him. That went all well and good until a minstrel appeared at court one day. Let's not blame the comedians, okay? We did this once. This guy, it's like, he's just a comedian. You can't have an opinion these days. Yeah, it was so hard to do comedy back then. When the minstrel performed a song and sang a verse that referenced the devil...

And when the devil was mentioned, Reprobus saw the king and made the sign of the cross. Reprobus, who was apparently quite brash, demanded that the king tell him what the sign of the cross meant and why he did it.

Fuck yeah!

Yeah, of course. I seek Satan. I will find Satan and I will work for him. I, Reprobus. Sorry, my own name. Yes, I'm sorry. I don't think I can hire Reprobus. But according to your resume, it seems to be going very well. I also hate the stupid cross thing that they do. It doesn't do anything. It's fake. Now, your name is Reprobus. Have you thought about shoving things in people's asses?

ass to me honestly i'm looking at your cv here the first thing it says to me is that this guy loves to long distance peg well eventually reprobus came across a group of knights one of whom was a cruel and horrible man this cruel knight asked reprobus why he was traveling and reprobus said i'm out looking for the devil what a coincidence the knight said

I'm the devil. Whoa, the ultimate switcheroo, dude. And so Reprobus bound himself to Satan's service. You just got yourself kissing a goblin.

the guy man that's what that is he just got picked up dude you know yeah it's like if a woman asks you if you're a god you say yes you say yes yeah i'm the devil could have been anyone the idea of i always kind of like the idea of like running into a first date and pretending to be a time traveler and saying you gotta fuck because you gotta go back because the future's over and all the women are illegal and that's why it's good to fuck you that's the way you do is you gotta come in with a character sometimes yeah

But one day as he and the devil were traipsing around the desert, they came upon a cross. And the devil immediately panicked and ran away. And when asked why he had done this, the devil said that a very powerful man named Jesus Christ had once hung on a cross. And whenever he comes near a cross, he gets scared.

So, Reprobus once again changed allegiance and began his search for Christ. The cross is how they killed him! I don't understand. So, he fucking, yeah, he should love the cross. I never understood that. And so, Reprobus is gonna fucking, he's a fucking fair weather friend, man. He is. No, no, Reprobus is just, he's just looking for the most powerful guy. That's all he cares about. He's just jumping around. Mm-hmm.

Now, after a very long and boring story in which Jesus appeared as a child and made Reprobus carry him across a river. Carry me. I'm just a boy. My legs don't work. Carry me across a river. Fooled you. I'm Jesus. I'm turning piss into soda. Now, suck my.

I didn't. Oh, I didn't know. After he carried him across the river, Jesus revealed himself. Hello! And gave Reprobus a magical staff that would bear flowers and fruit when it struck the ground. Jesus then baptized Reprobus as Christopher. Your name is...

Christopher. Which means bearing Christ. Because he carried Christ across the river. That's where the name Christopher comes from. And so Christopher, with a brand new name, traveled to the city of Lycia to pray for and comfort Christians who were being killed by Romans. So Christopher is essentially like Christ's caddy? That's all that means? Christopher, yeah. He literally carried Christ across the river, and bearing Christ means carrying Christ. Mm-hmm.

That's stupid. Jesus is also Jesus. There can only be one Jesus. There can only be one Jesus. No, there's not. There's millions upon millions of men named Jesus. Yeah, that's later on when people got fucking lazy. Now, after visiting future martyrs in prison, Christopher was attacked by the guards. But instead of fighting them, he struck his magical staff into the ground, and when it bore fruits and flowers, everyone present converted to Christianity on the spot, and everyone clapped.

This was enough to... I just... Branch from banana tree. It's just a banana. Yeah, you know, like, this is just a fruit. This was enough to impress a local warlord named King Dagnus, who sent two knights to retrieve Christopher. But when the knights came back with Christopher, they'd also been converted along the way. So King Dagnus told Christopher that if he didn't sacrifice something to the gods then and there, he would be tortured and killed.

Christopher refused, and the converted knights were beheaded. So King Dagnus sent two sisters named Nicaea and Aquilina to see if they could tempt Christopher into having an incestuous three-way. Fuck yeah. So killing you didn't work. Have you ever thought about getting fucked by two hot chicks? No.

No, I actually haven't. But when they touched him, Christopher began praying and the two sexy ladies were converted as well. Damn, man, he flipped two hoes? That's shame, dude. You can't be losing hoes. Not just two sexy ladies, but two sexy sisters who were willing to go fuck a dude together. You're about to go all around the world? Yeah, I guess they did need Christ.

None of these people were made saints, by the way. No. Nicea was thrown on a fire, then beheaded. Oh, wow. And finally, it was Christopher's turn.

First, he was brought before the king and beaten with red-hot burning iron rods. Then he was bound to an iron chair where a fire burned underneath. The seat supposedly melted like wax, but Christopher remained unharmed. The king then had him tied to a tree where he would be shot by 40 archers. But the arrows all stopped in midair just before hitting him. Neo...

And when the king advanced to investigate, one of the arrows turned and shot the king in the eye. What an idiot. Dude, yeah, what a maroon. There's a bunch of arrows floating in the air. You don't go up and fucking poke one of them. Yeah, what is this? You know nothing about Daffy Duck? Yeah. It's like, ow, ow.

This was totally avoidable! Christopher then said that after the king killed him, he should anoint his blinded eye with Christopher's blood, and it would be healed. Just a little fun tip. Yeah. Why would he tell him? Because he's a fucking saint. Yeah. Christopher was then beheaded, but when the blood of Reprobus was dabbed on King Dagnus' eye, he could see again, and the king converted to Christianity as well. Wow, what'd you know?

That's amazing. It worked. Wow. Wow. Should it be D-headed? Instead of B-headed? Yeah. I actually wonder why it's not D-headed. Yeah, right? English is a funny little language. It really is. You know, because it's D-nutted. Yeah, when they take your balls off. D-nuts.

See, we're having fun with English right now. That's what I do. Yeah, that's what he does. That's what I do by being a fucking moron. One of the weird things about St. Christopher was not just that he was at least 18 feet tall, but that he's also often depicted as having the head of a dog. According to the Irish Passion of St. Christopher... Was that a fucking gay pornography about the Troubles? I don't bet you I can fuck this dog.

Oh, I bet you could. And I bet you I'd watch it. I'd jerk and watch it. Who said that the Catholic and the Protestant can't come together? All right. One, two, three. Oh, I can't come unless I'm thinking of me mother. And she will raise you up on eagle's wings.

According to the Irish Passion of St. Christopher, he came from a dog-headed race that ate human flesh and had tusks like a wild boar. This, however, isn't the only place that dog-headed men show up in religion and myths from this time period. You got the Egyptian god Anubis, there was thousands of years before that. Jason and the Argonauts, they fought dog-headed men. And Alexander the Great claimed to have fought dog-headed men in India.

But what's incredible about St. Christopher is that his representation as a dog-headed man might come from a mistranslation. See, Christopher was from Canaan, meaning he was a Canaanite.

The Latin word for Canaanite is Cananius, while the Latin word for dog is Cananus. So it could be that someone just wrote down the wrong fucking word, and all of a sudden you got a dog-headed giant as one of your most popular and well-known sub-characters in your religion. Shit like this used to happen all the time. You know, dogs got a good sense of direction. You've seen Benji. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Homeward bound. For the traveler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Homeward bound. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Yeah, dogs are good for that. White fang. You know, they're always traveling. Yeah, that one old yeller whacked him. Oh, yeah, yeah. He was traveling straight to his death. Mm-hmm.

Now, while Christopher became popular because he was the patron saint of travelers and almost everyone travels, our next... They're definitely not driving. No. The key is to make sure if you're traveling, that's how you know you can tell the police officers that you're traveling, is that you have the St. Christopher thing up there and you cannot be arrested because you're not operating a motor vehicle in a business aspect. Because you're traveling.

Our next saint became popular because of a plague, and in the process also became sort of a gay icon to boot. Okay! That would be Saint Sebastian. So Saint Sebastian was H-O-T-T-O-G-O? Oh, we're gonna get into it, bro. Hey everybody, Ed here to talk to you about one of my favorite things, and that's sweet food.

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Look good. You deserve it. Sisterhood above all. From Frank Herbert's epic universe and from the novel Sisterhood of Doom comes a new HBO original series set 10,000 years before the birth of Paul Atreides. This series follows Valia and Tula Harkonnen as they fight for the future of humankind and establish the fabled sect that will become known as the Bene Gesserit.

The Reckoning is coming. Dune Prophecy premieres this Sunday at 9 p.m. on Max. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I want to thank my beautiful wife for every day coming to the plate, knowing that she will kiss me on the forehead whether I'm crying or yelling. But it can't always be like that. Sometimes you've got to talk to an expert.

Because this month is all about gratitude. Me love me friends. Me love me life. All right? But sometimes it's hard to remind ourselves that we are trying our best to make sense of everything. And in this crazy world, that isn't easy. So here's a reminder to send some thanks to the people in your life, including yourself. That's my thing. I mostly like to thank myself at Thanksgiving. Because I did a lot of the cooking.

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Now, Sebastian was a soldier who joined the Roman military in the mid-third century as a secret agent so he could be of service to Christians who were being persecuted by Romans. A closeted Christian, if you will. Whoa, very sexy. While in the military, Sebastian was promoted to the Praetorian Guard of the Emperor. I bet. Oh.

Oh yeah, I bet he was. All while secretly converting and baptizing other soldiers and civilians. It's my own special homemade white wine. It's thick!

Hope you like the aftertaste. It's more of a syrup than a wine. Yeah, it is. It's more of a glop. Don't put it in your pussy. Unless you want a little baby Sebastian. But his cover was blown when two twin Christian brothers named Marcus and Marcellian were imprisoned for, again, refusing to make a sacrifice to the Roman gods. You did it. I know Marcus is an ancient name. Oh, yeah. Very much so. Marcus Aurelius. Wow. Wow.

Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah. Marcus is the most Roman name there is. Yeah. Mark Anthony. He's probably Marcus. That's Mark. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

There's not more Roman names. Marcus is pretty much up there. We don't see any Eddies. No, but we came around, and once we got to Europe, Eddies started popping up. Edward did, yeah, and Henry. We'll continue. I'm sorry I did this. I'm sorry I did this to us. Well, Marcus and Marcellian's pagan parents tried to get them to renounce Christianity, but Sebastian actually talked them into accepting the fate of their sons by converting the parents to Christianity as well.

To sell them on it, Sebastian said that he would endure torture and death to show Marcus and Marcellian how to give their lives for Christ.

But it actually kind of ended up working backwards. Yeah, he didn't want it. He's going to show how he could bottom for Christ. Just take it. See, before Marcus and Marcellian were killed, Sebastian went on a bit of a converting spree, which led to his capture. A woman named Zoe, married to a Roman official, had been mute for six years, and Sebastian supposedly cured her by simply making the sign of the cross. Which, that don't make any fucking sense to me, because that's a miracle, which is something that only God and...

Jesus is supposed to be able to do. But the reason why they are... So the reason why miracles have to be attributed is because it has to show that they were chosen specially by God and that they worked... That God... It's not them doing the miracles. It's God doing it through them. Through them. Gotcha. And so that's... And Jesus was supposed to be the ultimate example of...

you're destroying the avatar of God that I've brought to you to open it up. Because the whole point of the Jesus sacrifice is that he then opens heaven for us. Everybody can go to heaven. It's not just angels. It's not the most pure. It's that everybody can go if they follow the way of Christ. This is kind of the same thing as that he has to go through. It's about being the middle man. And I also think he just asked her a question for the first time because she's the only gay man that she's ever met. Yeah.

And when Jesus was flogged and he didn't bleed, that was the first miracle whip. What's wrong with this whip? What's wrong with this damn whip? They're all just whipping each other. Ow! Ow! Well, Zoe's conversion caused a whole cascade of conversions amongst local Roman authorities, which caused an equally strong backlash.

Zoe was the first to be arrested, caught praying at the grave of St. Peter. She confessed to being a Christian, and in probably the worst death out of all these, she was hung by her hair over a smoking pile of shit until she choked to death on the fumes. I mean, that sounds nice. That's what Julie has to deal with every time she has to go into the bathroom after you. We do this thing now where she sits on my lap when I shit. Married life.

Married life is amazing. I love chicken and the egging it. That's what we call it in our house. I'm the chicken. She's making the eggs. Can you sneak one through? Ultimate gatekeeping. From there, the Christians that Sebastian converted, they were killed one by one. They were stoned to death. One was drowned at sea with rocks tied around their necks. One was made to walk across hot coals before being beheaded. And a few of them were just burned alive.

As far as Marcus and Marcellinus went, their feet were nailed to a tree stump. And after they prayed all night to be saved, they were stabbed with spears when the sun came up. Again, he's not doing shit. God didn't do anything. That wasn't in the giving tree, I'll tell you that much. Oh yeah, you never saw the nailing stump? I love that one. I give and I give and I give. Sebastian, of course, was saved for last.

Right.

Awesome. Go get my Ugg.

Is there any neosporin close by? The Christian brought him home where he recovered, but he still couldn't just fucking chill out.

He stood at a staircase where he knew the emperor would pass, and when Diocletian showed up, Sebastian started heckling him. Stink-ass bitch! Stink-ass bitch don't know shit! Stink-ass bitch! Now, for a moment, the emperor supposedly thought that maybe there was something to this Christianity thing after all.

I like this energy. But after waving that away, the emperor said, nah, fucking kill him. So his soldiers beat Sebastian to death with cudgels and threw his body in the sewer. No fixing that. The location of his body appeared to another woman in a dream who retrieved the body and buried him where supposedly the Basilica of Sebastian now stands. Bury me at the Sephora. But how Sebastian became a gay icon goes back to the days of the Black Plague.

See, arrows have been associated with the plague since antiquity, when Apollo sent plague-tipped arrows to punish the sins of Agamemnon. Likewise, the Bible uses arrows as a metaphor when God unleashes plagues upon humanity.

Huh. But...

For some reason, and this is how he came to be a gay icon, because no, Henry, Sebastian himself was not gay. Sebastian was invariably portrayed as a nude or semi-nude handsome young man with a perfectly sculpted and bound body, giving off a general sense of

ecstasy, and sensualism. Basically, all of his paintings look like a guy who's just about to come during a BDSM session. My question is, is that, do you think on some level...

they would masturbate to this material? Like, I mean, this is a genuine question. On some level, who would masturbate to the material? The monks that make the paintings. Like, the people that make the paintings. No, no, no. The monks specifically don't masturbate. No, this is renaissance painters. This is renaissance. This is not monks. This is renaissance. This is like fucking the masters. But the idea of making him sexy. Yeah. Are we not, like, then jerking off at it? Because.

Because is this not what porno was? I mean, they make him sexy to be like him. Jude Law, like the sexy Pope. What kind of the point was, is that you could jerk off to him. Wow. Like you could jerk off to a painting of St. Sebastian. That's how sexy and homoerotic paintings of St. Sebastian were. But do they?

Well, the thing is that St. Sebastian was a favorite of Oscar Wilde. Yes. Oscar Wilde used Sebastian's name as a pseudonym when he was exiled to Paris after serving two years in prison in England simply for being gay. Keith Haring also used St. Sebastian imagery. But St. Sebastian really became important in the gay community during the worst of the AIDS crisis when a plague was indeed wiping out their community. Yeah.

And while he has somewhat fallen out of fashion, he still remains extremely important to some of the people who survived those times. Yeah, because he's sexy. Yeah, and also... He's sexy and fun, and he did, you know, that was his whole thing. Yeah, and he protected against plagues. So, you know, when... He didn't. Medicine did. More could have died. Yeah. No. No.

No. Black Plague killed as many as it could. It really did its best. And I think that medicine stopped. Well, AIDS, in terms of working on that. Yeah, I wouldn't say it was the St. Sebastian, but it was a comfort for people, you know, like many saints are. Oh, yeah. That's why I fucking prayed to the fucking Noid.

He helps me with pizza. Oh, yeah. I love that guy. St. Noid. That is your saint. Oh, yes. Oh, the Noid is my saint. The Noid. Yes. Saint the Noid of Assisi. Yeah. Yeah.

A pipi. The saint, the noise of a pipi is one of my favorite of the favorite saints. Now, while Saint Sebastian is known as the sexy saint, our next one, Saint Lucy, somewhat lies on the other side, as she's often invoked against eye diseases, hemorrhages, and the bloody flux, a.k.a. dysentery. So she's...

Well, she's alt. She's alt. Okay. She is, however, also the patron saint of sex workers, as well as the patron saint of blind people and ophthalmologists. That's a lot to cover. It really is. So many of these saints cover like nine or ten different things. Does he mean charge of all sex workers and ophthalmologists? It seems strange. It's a fun conference. Yeah.

Yes, I'd like to see my sex worker better. Oh, my God. Linda. I've been paying my wife for sex. I love how you used your mustache. I am sorry.

I'm sorry, it was right there. Lucy was born to a noble family in Syracuse, Sicily at the end of the third century. God, even Sicily has a Syracuse. God, don't go to fucking Albany, Italy. The great Syracuse of the soul. And she was raised by her mother after her father died young.

Her mother, however, had the bloody flux, which is so named because its symptoms include bloody diarrhea. Flux meaning flow. We know. Bloody flow. Yeah, we understand. From your butt. Yeah, from your ass. With all the feces. Yeah, shit, fuck, blood. Coming out of your ass. My hemorrhoids are so bad, I had to rename my toilet to Sandy Hook. Yeah.

You like that? Are you happy with that, audience? Because we're going to keep it in. We're going to keep it in because we want to. Because we want to. And because the Sandy Hook parents won. It was very real. It was extremely real. And the Sandy Hook parents won because they bought InfoWars. We say this on the day that InfoWars officially went off air. The Onion bought it. Wow. My God. Interesting time. Very much so.

So, thinking that she was about to die, Lucy's mother arranged for her daughter to be married to a wealthy pagan family to ensure her future, even though both of them are Christians. You should never hear that anymore, wealthy pagan family. Where's the old money pagans? Yeah, where would the wealthy pagan families be today? I don't know.

In the meantime, though, Lucy and her mother made a pilgrimage to visit the shrine of St. Agatha, who died 50 years earlier after she was stretched on the rack and her breasts were ripped off with tongs. About time. Get some breast ripping. We're getting there. How many saints can we talk about without ripping off breasts? Well, apparently, miracles happen at the shrine of St. Agatha, and after a night of praying, Lucy's mother...

No more bloody diarrhea. I found a cork. Sorry, I just thought about that Sandy Hook joke again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. It's in there. But again, in this context, it's activism. Yeah.

But now that her mother was no longer in mortal danger, Lucy confessed that since she was a young girl, she'd wanted to remain a Christian virgin all her life. And since her mother had been cured by God, they should likewise give away all their wealth to the poor. This is why there's no more wealthy pagan families. Lucy's mother said, sure, why the fuck not? So they started redistributing their stuff to the huddled masses. But then,

But when Lucy's betrothed pagan heard that his dowry was being given away, he got a little huffy and told the governor of Syracuse that Lucy was a secret Christian. It's like George Pataki. This got Lucy arrested and interrogated. And when she again refused to burn a sacrifice, the governor of Syracuse sentenced her to be defiled in a brothel where she would become a sex slave to disabuse her of any notion of remaining a Christian virgin.

But when the guards tried to remove her, she allegedly became heavier than a boulder. And she still wouldn't move even after they hitched her to a team of oxen. So they figured, fuck it, let's just burn her right here, right now. Can we fuck her first? But when the wood was set aflame, Lucy didn't burn.

She was finally killed when a sword was thrust through her throat, though, which really does seem to be the secret weakness of any saint, because God, for some reason, just can't fucking deal with neck injuries. There's something about it. He doesn't like helping the neck. It's hard to kill a lesbian. That's what I heard. That's what I heard from my father. That's what I heard from my grandfather. That's what I heard from my baseball coaches. But as time went on, Lucy's legend evolved to include, for some reason, torture by eye gouging.

It was said that Lucy foresaw the end of Christian persecution, and she said this to the governor of Syracuse, so he had her eyes removed. Other accounts, however, are far more dramatic.

In one form of the story, Lucy greatly overreacted after a suitor commented on the beauty of her eyes. After this seemingly innocuous comment, Lucy cut out her eyeballs and sent them to the suitor in a package and said, please leave me alone. Ooh, Lucy is brat. You would have to pre-address that, you know, obviously. It's going to be difficult to stamp that in my mailbox. Can't wander outside your house with your fucking eyes. Good job!

But the miracle was that even without eyes, Lucy could still supposedly see.

Another of the female saints is St. Catherine of Alexandria, who lived and died around the same time as Lucy. Also born to a noble family, Catherine was intelligent, educated, and beautiful, and was known to say that she would only marry a man who surpassed her in nobility, wealth, comeliness, and wisdom. Okay. So she was the saint of standards? Mm-hmm.

So Catherine's mother, a secret Christian, brought her daughter to a hermit who lived in a cave, which I'm discovering was kind of a common trope in early Christianity. Because there was a whole side quest in St. Christopher's story that involved a hermit as well. They viewed that as the, that is the local holy man. That's kind of what they're talking about. Somebody that was specifically so, you know, just so in tune with Christ that they became like sort of an aesthetic person.

Yeah, and he had to live outside of town and hide and so on and so on. Hermits were the first people that realized what assholes were. Yeah, the hermits. They stayed away. They were the first one to say, fuck all y'all. Yeah.

But this hermit was supposed to solve the problem of how Catherine was going to find a guy that met her standards. So he gave her an image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus. Where's the hermit going? The hermit's not going where all the single guys are. So he gave her an image of the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus and told Catherine to pray to the image concerning her heart's desire. So you think that baby Jesus is going to make sure your coochie gets fucking fucked?

Well, baby Jesus is going to give you an answer. One way or another.

Me want milk. Where's my daddy? Why isn't he here? Daddy's got a big old dick. He fucked mommy until she forgot that he existed. But Catherine did as she was told. And much to her surprise, the Virgin Mary appeared, holding the baby Jesus. And the Virgin Mary told baby Jesus to behold Catherine to see how fair and virtuous she was. She's fuckable. Unimpressed, the baby Jesus turned his head away and rejected Catherine. Ha ha ha!

He never does this. Jesus, we came here all the way from the afterlife. Puzzled, Catherine returned to the hermit who introduced her to Christianity. And that same evening, the Virgin Mary and Jesus appeared again. Except this time, Jesus was a guy. Full grown man. Oh yeah, because all he did was have to look at her once. And he gave Catherine a ring as a token of her betrothal to him. How much you want to bet this is just the hermit?

Just dressing up as Jesus Christ. He's got a local hooker helping him doing the Virgin Mary stuff. Slipping her some fucking shrooms in her dinner. And it was a Nuva ring. Yeah.

You're going to want to put this in your pussy. But unluckily for Catherine, the Roman Emperor Maximian just happened to be in town, and he asked Catherine for her hand in marriage. Whoa! When she refused, saying she was a bride of Christ, the Emperor condemned her to death by breaking on the wheel. Awesome. This method of torture, now known as the Catherine Wheel, after St. Catherine, was quite popular in the Middle Ages.

First, the executioner would drop a big, heavy wheel on the victim to break their bones. Then the victim was tied to the wheel where the remaining unbroken bones would be broken with the club. Oh, wow. Yeah, seems nice.

Then the ragged limbs that were all broken, they would be intertwined into the wheel spokes. And then the person would be left there for hours or days until they finally died of their wounds or of thirst. Very, very, very bad way to die. It's one of the worst ones. I still think that crucifix is pretty bad too because you drown in your own blood.

Yeah. And you said the one where the lady was hung over the flaming shit was real bad, but the other one seemed worse to me where they tied the rock to her legs and that just like stretched out her bones. I do think that's worse too. But again, there's a meme that I've seen, but the first couple of seconds of that probably feel great. Oh yeah. For a little bit. Yeah.

Well, in Roman times, the wheel was usually reserved for slaves and Christians. So it was the wheel that Catherine was sent to. But miraculously, the wheel broke at Catherine's touch. Whoa! So the customary beheading was ordered. Yeah, lop her fucking head off. But this time, in what sounds like a visual from a fucking Ari Aster movie, Catherine's body flowed not with blood when it was beheaded, but with a stream of milk. Oh, milk! It's

Everybody, everybody get your bowls. Catherine, by the way, was one of the three voices who spoke to Joan of Arc. Wow. Another one of Joan's spirit friends was St. Margaret of Antioch, the patron saint of pregnant women, servant maids, and sufferers of kidney maladies, as well as being a protector against diabolical infestations. Oh, wow. Thanks, Joan. Does she also shoot milk? No, dude.

No, she's lame. It's not the same, man. She didn't even do it out of the titties, which is the fun way to shoot milk. She did it out of her head. Technically out of her neck. Yeah. If her head was still attached, what if it came out of her nose? Someone said something funny. That's all I know.

Gotta be careful. Like Catherine, Margaret was lusted after by a Roman official but was thrown in jail for being a bride of Christ. Margaret was then tied to a stake and tortured by being beaten with rods and iron combs to rend and draw out her flesh from her bones. After remaining defiant about her faith, she was taken down and placed in a cell where she prayed to God to reveal the enemy who was fighting her. At that moment, Satan arrived as a dragon and swallowed her whole.

But when Margaret blessed herself, the dragon split in two. Awesome! That's like Evangelion. When he's inside, when he goes inside the creature. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't spoil it too much. I'm watching. You haven't seen Evangelion yet? I know, but I'm still... You ever seen the OG series of Evangelion? It's so much to go through. It is. It's a lot to go through. I'm really surprised you haven't watched all of it. And we talk about it.

We're friends. There's a bit of a barrier at times. Yeah. Yeah, that's the idea. No, no, no, with me watching the show. Yes. And me. When they bring the penguin in. It's called fan service, and they're making fun of fan service. Are they? Yeah, that's the idea. Pen Pen is making fun of fan service. Is that what it is? It's meta. Okay. Fuck Abigail. Yeah.

It's also, I just can't, I can't stand to hear a boy whine for 20 hours. When you get to the end, it's good. Cool. Oh, after the 20 hours? But I am not as good. I don't like, I don't like the boy whining either, but I like it towards the end. Okay. Well, Satan then appeared in the likeness of a man who tried to deceive Margaret. Oh,

She, however, saw through the disguise, flung Satan to the ground, and stomped on his neck. Yes, please. And when she took her foot away, the earth opened and Satan returned to hell, while Margaret was beheaded the next day and sent to heaven. Oh, well. I guess that's good. Yeah. She literally saved the earth from Satan three times. Three times.

But it's said that since Margaret's story is so fantastical, what with the dragon and all, her feast day was removed from the Roman Catholic calendar in 1969. Matt Reeves is a good director, but he's ruined everything. Everything has to be grounded. It could also be, however, that the Catholic Church, none too fond of women, weren't that comfortable with a super aggressive female saint. Can't say that for sure, though. Who knows? But when it comes to legacy, one of the more interesting saints is our last today.

That would be St. Barbara. Oh, yeah. The patron saint of architects, firemen, and miners, who was predictably invoked against explosions, fire, lightning, and sudden death. Honestly, if you have time to pray to St. Barbara before an explosion...

Before an explosion, you should be running. Yeah, and St. Barbara also lights all the explosions with cigarettes. Yeah, I do. Yeah, give me a carton of Mentos. Again, she was a beautiful young maiden, hailing from either Lebanon or Turkey. Probably Lebanon.

So beautiful was Barbara that her father hid her away so no man could see her beauty. And her only contact with the outside world was with her pagan tutors. Who are not going to be the horniest people on the face of the planet than pagan tutors? They don't even have to worry about keeping their jobs. Tutors are paid by the hour. That's a gig work.

Now, there are many sources that all have a different answer on how Barbara was introduced to Christianity. But like all the other converts, she liked what she heard from someone and weird shit started happening after she accepted the Christian faith.

Her father became enraged when he discovered she was a Christian, but when he drew his sword to murder his child on the spot, she ducked the blade and fled the tower in disguise to hide in a cave in the surrounding mountains. Have you ever tried that when you're getting, like, you know, it is bad. You ever run from your dad before you get the fucking spanking or whatever, and then it always makes it worse. You realize that while you might be a quick, small thing, he's a large, fast thing. Yeah, he's big. Yeah, he's big, yeah.

Well, yeah. Do you want me to talk about when my dad hit me? Honestly, I'm already bored. While she was in the mountains, she was found and ratted out by a shepherd. Barbara later cursed the shepherd by turning his sheep into locusts and turning the man himself into stone. Kazaam!

Barbara was dragged back to the city and handed over to the local magistrate, who sentenced her to death by beheading if she didn't renounce her fate. Don't do whatever I want. I'm turning you fucking, all your bullshit. You got a dog, I'm going to turn it into rats. I can do whatever I want. I don't even know how you can put me in jail. When she said no, she was flogged with rawhide and her wounds were rubbed with hair cloth to increase the pain.

Oh. Oh.

beheaded his daughter in a public forum. Every father's dream. But at that moment, a crack of thunder was heard and Barbara's father was struck by lightning, immediately reducing him to ashes. Yeah, fucking daddy got blown up. That's fine as hell. But he did behead her before he blew up. Very much so, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Now, because of this lightning strike, Barbara is invoked against thunder, lightning, and accidents from explosions involving gunpowder, as well as violent workplace accidents of any kind. Oh, wow. Slip and falls. Yeah, she really is. She's the patron saint of slip and falls. But that's also how Barbara became the patron saint of artillerymen and miners.

The most interesting legacy of Barbara, however, comes from Lebanon, where St. Barbara's Day was turned into a version of Halloween. See, in the local version of the story, St. Barbara evaded Roman officials by dressing in a costume when she hid in the hills before the shepherd found her. Don't tell anybody, but I'm a taco. Okay.

So on December 3rd, the day before the local annual feast day, children in costumes roam neighborhoods screaming, Telling Barbara to run away while replicating her escape. That's cute. They then go door to door collecting sweets and money in exchange for a song or a bit of dancing accompanied by a tambourine or hand drum. And if the host gives a good treat, the kid will sing a song to compliment them. I like your treat.

I thank you so much. I like to eat. You are... Please don't cut my clitoris off. But if the treat sucks, the kid will end their song with an insult and run away. Yeah.

You're fat. That's it. That's all I have. But perhaps where Barbara is most popular is in Poland, where they hold a feast in her honor that has the most Polish name I've ever heard, Barborka. Happy Barborka to you. Have you fondled your grandmother's press? Ah!

Ah, happy burburka. It is the season for big heathen bosoms to be found laying in soup. You have barely touched your woman pie. Ah, it's in the shape of vagina. Filled with poor corks. Ah, sweet, sweet burburka. You get five weeks off.

I love Baborka season. Well, Baborka revolves around miners, like the people who mine. Oh, not the children. Not the children, no. They're also miners. Yes, they are. Well, mining as a profession was... I meant like slaves. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're working, okay? They get paid almost five dimes a year in whatever they're moving. Oh, you've seen this? Wow, it's just a shirt that says, I love Baborka. Wow, look at this. Say Baborka. Continue on. I'm looking at pictures of Baborka.

Well, mining as a profession was held in high regard in Poland, especially during the Soviet years. Because coal, yes, it had high value, but being a miner was among, if not the most dangerous jobs one could have. You were the worker amongst the workers. And so to celebrate the patron saint of miners, Barborka began with a mass followed by a parade where each mining company would have their own marching band.

accompanied by ranks of miners and their ceremonial mining uniforms specific to each company. Additionally, each company would sing their own distinctive mining anthem.

The festivities would continue throughout the day, culminating in a firework show at night and a gathering in which miners would divide themselves into teams based on age and rank. They would then roast battle with songs. Yeah, it's awesome. And if your roast or your song was bad, you had to either drink salty beer or you were put in actual stocks where people roasted you further. And this was all done by the Karksmi Pruini.

Or loosely translated, the brewer's lodgings. So this is like dude club stuff. Yeah. So the minor groups get together and that's just all they do all night is they raise hell and they get drunk and they play pranks on each other. Yep. It sounds like a blast. And they scream the word barboka. Barboka! You know, it honestly sounds like a lot of, it sounds very interesting. I'm looking at this nice because it's like, because how important petroleum is to, petroleum and salt. Right.

To the Poland economy. Yeah. Yeah. They say they hold miners in high regard. Yeah. In Krakow, there's a salt mine that you can go down into that's apparently gorgeous. They built a whole kind of a chapel down there that's supposed to be really fucking cool, but I got claustrophobia, so I couldn't go. Is there a difference between fresh salt and...

What do you mean? If you went down to the salt mine and you got some fresh-ass salt. I think salt's the same. I think so, but I don't know. Because you salt things to keep them good for a very long period of time. Yeah, but I wonder if there's different levels of quality of salt. I think so. There must be. I figured you'd know this. Yeah, there's table salt. I don't know this. There's kosher salt. That's what I'm asking the audience. I know those types of salt, but I don't know whether or not if it's fresh salt. Like, you don't really want freshly brewed beer. It's gross.

Oh, I guess not. I don't know. I would have no idea. They have the Bourne on date. I know that for beers. You know, that was a big one for a while in the early 2000s. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, and you wanted a fresh one. Yeah, you didn't want it because the old ones were skunky. Yeah. Sometimes, if you left them in the bad fridge, they'd get skunky. Eat shit.

Just so happy because I remember skunky beer played such a huge role in my life for a very long time. It really was. Skunky beer was a part of my life and then it just stopped. I don't know why. It's not like the beer got better. You got successful. But I'm not buying better beer. You didn't have to drink it. Yes, you are. Well, I guess I, Modelo's. Yeah. I guess it's that Reuben box. Yeah, and you can't take them in and out of the fridge. Yeah, and you can't drive with them anymore. Not enough. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, not like stealing Keystone Light from farmer's trucks like we used to do. Exactly. That shit got skunky because you had to hide it. Yeah. And you couldn't drink it at school. Yeah, you couldn't drink it until the weekend. You steal it on Tuesday, you drink it on Saturday. That's skunky beer. And so... Barf, barf. Bye!

Where uncles get together and talk shit about things that no one remembers anymore. Anybody remember skunky beer? You ever had red dog beer? Come on. We remember Coors Drive. When we start naming all of the specific beers that we have, this is officially, this is what you ask for. Barborka Day. Yeah, this is Barborka Day. We're having our own Barborka here, aren't we?

So while these are just a few of the stories of the saints, we'll certainly be bringing you another installment in the future that covers the saints of the Middle Ages, when shit gets really weird. Because the old days, they used to vote, the community used to canonize, and it used to be more informal. But then as the church got involved, when canonization actually became an official process, that's when, as it always does, it becomes like Nepo babies, essentially.

But if the saints show you anything, whether it be with the Mormons, the Scientologists, or the Catholics, the key to growing a cult into a religion is always to have solid bonus content. Yes. Always expand. Yeah.

Yeah. Always expand your universe. You need a Patreon. Yeah, the Cimmerillion, the thesaurus. Yeah. That expands the dictionary, right? We've learned nothing. We've learned nothing. We went through so much here today and we're not better for it. Yeah.

I want to say thank you so much for being here. That's right. Because without you being here, we can't make our own future religion. Because I think it's huge for us. I've been, you know, ruminating on it. Yeah, we should. I've been thinking about it. How do we get canonized? Oh, man. You have to sell the catalog. What if we lied at the church?

Oh, yeah. And try to get in. I mean, I've been lying to the church ever since I started going. Yeah. Yeah, they used to make me confess like twice a week. And I'm like, I didn't sin yet. Yeah. So I just started lying about sins. Yeah. And it got you creative. You started thinking about it. And you're like, oh, that's a great sin. Yeah. I should probably do that. Yeah, yeah. It sounds fun. They were not happy when I started asking about dinosaurs.

Oh, yeah. They got real mad about that. Bro, it's dinosaurs. It wasn't just a Bill Hicks bit. They get really angry when you fucking ask about dinosaurs when you're six years old. Because you love dinosaurs and they're talking about it. And it's like, okay, so all the animals, it was the dinosaurs. And then you get in trouble for asking questions. And it's like if you were good ass priest. And all of a sudden you're the kid with the big mouth. Oh, that's how it is. If you were good ass priest, you would improv your way to unfold it in. Unfold it in. You know, that's the idea. You go like, oh, yeah, sure, dinosaurs. They, uh.

Yeah, my Sunday school teacher wasn't ready for that. Regina was not ready for that question. Yeah. Well, she should have just told you. They tossed him in on Noah's Ark. Everyone knows that. Yeah, who knows? Yeah, and then they drowned him.

They were too big. Yeah, they drowned all the dinosaurs when the flood came. Noah did it. See, it's so important to learn. Everyone says he's a good guy, but he fucking drowned the dinosaurs. It's all he wanted to do. He's a murderer. The dinosaurs are the Natalie Woods of the Bible. Patreon.com slash last podcast and left. Speaking of DLC, you can get all of our extended adventures on the Patreon. We got BTS. We have live streams. Come see all of our fucking bullshit and shit on there.

It's like you watch us wiggle around on there. Go to LP on the left for all of our socials.

TikTok and Instagram. TikTok and Instagram. And go to LastPodcastLift.com. We are going to be doing live shows. We're out there. We have so many fucking live shows coming. December 7th. December 7th is a big one in New York. King's Theater. I can't fucking wait. Cannot wait. Yes. And then after that, we're going to be in Atlanta in January. And then Dallas in February. Nashville in March. Detroit in April on 4-18. Two days before 4-20. Not bad. And then on May 3rd, we'll be in Toronto. But next week...

Next Saturday, Henry and I are going to be with Billy Wayne Davis doing Side Stories Live at the Mateel Community Center in Humboldt, California. Yeah, we're going to be fucking happy. The goal is to make sure we can perform, Eddie. I know. Because Billy Wayne, right before, he sent an email. He literally gives the dab

bar before the show. I was like, could it be after the show? Yeah, I don't think we should do a dab bar and then attempt to perform. I feel like we're going to forget to do the show. I'm not going to do my fifth dab ever and then get on stage. No, because it's frightening. I did a podcast with Frank Castillo that was the, he did it all with dabs and it was one of those where it's like 45 minutes in and it's like, what? I'm like, you know when you've been talking for so long and they're all looking at you and it's like,

what in the living fuck have I been saying for the last 45 minutes? Well, Frank's a psychopath. I've seen him drink 100 milligrams and then go on stage and do 30 minutes. He's got to be careful. I don't know what's going on with him. That's taking the joy out of him. He's literally dabbing and shit. Yeah, exactly. You have to live your life. I love dabbing, but that's for when I'm finally not talking to anyone. Yeah. Yep.

Decide to stab a ball. Give it up to you, Barbara. Barborka. Barborka. Happy Barborka. Happy Barborka. Yes, the Beach Boys. They know Beach Boy. There is no Beach Boys. There is no Beach Boys. There is no Beach and Party Boys. I have fun, fun, fun when they take my freedom away.

It's honestly, it's very political. We're full of activism today. Hail Satan, everyone. Hail Barborka! The belly button of Barborka! The biggest belly button that you put nine stines of beer in your big whale of a belly button.

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