Episode 573: Ed and Lorraine Warren Part I - Go Get Me The Book!
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to laugh again and open your fucking eyes yeah at the same time there's no place to escape to this is the last on the left that's when the cannibalism started what was that you know now that i think about it nobody ever really conjured anything

Wow. Yeah, think about it. Who conjured what? It was there. It was already there. It was called the conjuring. That's actually a really good question. Yeah, it was already there. Like, no one conjured. They just showed up, and the ghost was already there. Yeah, they wouldn't do anything to bring the ghost in their life. Nobody conjured anything. Did they conjure up the entire story as a lie, and nothing actually happened at all? How dare you? The Perrin family is at...

Absolutely rock solid. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Marcus Parks. Asking the big questions. With me is Henry Zebrowski. There's not a single conjuring in The Conjuring. Neither in Conjuring 1 or 2. Why is it called The Conjuring? I have no fucking clue. Ed, Larson, do you have a fucking answer for us? I told you. They made it all up.

I'm looking at the plot right now. I watched it. I watched it last night. I know. I also feel like I also just watched it, but I was stoned. Doesn't the demon show up later? Yeah, the demon shows up later, but no one called the demon. No one called the demon. He was just late. Yeah.

As we'll get into it, you have to go through the different stages through, you know, you have to get to the oppression stage before the demon truly shows up. Yeah, he shows up with a fucking coffee 20 minutes late. Like, bro! The fuck? We're sitting here. Listen, if you want me to be on time for your haunting, then you should conjure me 20 minutes ahead of time. Ha ha ha!

Today, the reason why we're mentioning The Conjuring is because we are starting a series on... Oh my God, we've been waiting so long for this. People have been asking so much. We are going to do a full deep dive into Ed and Lorraine Warren. I have been dreading this a little bit. Dreading? Only because, like, we're really going to try to pin down how we feel about these very... I mean...

You call them con men. People call them con people. People say that they're grifters. People say sometimes they might do a little touchy touchy sucky sucky. But you know, they might just be Catholics. Spectrum.

Actual entrepreneurs. So Ed and Lorraine Warren were a married pair of paranormal investigators and self-proclaimed demonologists who, thanks to the multi-billion dollar Conjuring horror movie universe, are probably the most famous paranormal investigators in the history of the profession. You're technically supposed to get a degree in demonology before you're allowed to handle up to...

third level demons. Wow. And a lot of this, honestly, I feel like... As a degree at seminary? He would get, yes, he would get a degree in order to handle those demons because if not, you get a ticket from the devil. Which is extremely hard to expunge because guess what the devil always does? Show up to court. Ha ha ha!

He's not like a lazy cop. Oh, no. No, the devil is at court. The devil is getting the free water. He has taken the bus. He has arrived at court. Representing himself. He's like, oh, yeah.

But like most adaptations, the portrayal of Ed and Lorraine in those movies is way, way too good to be true and bears only a passing resemblance to the real Warrens. Really, the biggest resemblance came in the form of the weird Connecticut accent Patrick Wilson uses while portraying Ed Warren. I looked up the Connecticut accent to try to understand why Ed Warren sounds the way that he sounds because he's

He sounds like the man who invented deep dish pizza. And he looks like a man who also only eats deep dish pizza. Good for him. And he's got that kind of like a Chicago kind of bent where everything's kind of like this. But I looked up Connecticut accent and there is none. Because I also thought Connecticut, because as a kid, as a boy from Queens, from Knockabout Queens, I thought Connecticut was for fancy people. No. No.

No. No, no, no. Connecticut's really trash, too. Yeah, no. There's like four fancy places, and the rest is New Haven. I thought it was all fancy. Right? Long Island boy, Rob, did you not think that Connecticut was for fancies? It's a little bit fancy. We called it the country. It has fancy spots. Yeah, but have you ever driven through Connecticut? It's the most terrifying highways in America. People in Connecticut drive like fucking maniacs. Dude, have you been to California? Have you been anywhere? No one's good at it. All right?

I think we need to take the state label away from bad drivers because they are everywhere. It's all over this country. It's an epidemic. I feel like, honestly, one thing that could help with the traffic is the mass shooting, which I think why they're kind of letting it go. I hate speeders, man. Every time I see a speeder, I'm like, fucking you're killing. You're taking all of our lives in your hands. Yeah.

Hey, you're a speeder a little bit. Eddie, the kids have to think we're rock and roll. So please, don't be against speeders. Sometimes you've got to drive on your way someplace. Yeah, don't worry, everyone. Henry is still a bad driver. Don't worry about it. I am an offensive driver. And I don't have a license. So there's that. He grips me a lot when we drive.

Well, rather than the Christian superheroes they're portrayed as, Ed and Lorraine proved to be, in many ways, both believers and cynical scammers. And that's not even to mention the strong possibility that Ed Warren might have been a sexual predator. And that Lorraine... Like that? No, not like that. He played for the Nashville Predators, the hockey team, with his dick out. Oh!

The worst sports-based crime of all. Why would they name their team the Predators? I don't know. And there's also the allegation that Lorraine Warren enabled Ed Warren in that sexual predation for many, many years. I think the one thing that Lorraine did enable, and I think that we should all...

One of the biggest crimes, obviously, there might be some, a little bit of molest in there. There's a little bit of fraud. There's a little bit of, you know, mail fraud, credit card fraud, various things that they might be involved in. But I think the biggest crime of all

somehow portraying to the world that you look like Vera Farmiglia and Patrick Wilson. And that is the greatest con that they pulled off. It is. Possibly. Because Lorraine, she was elegant. We talked a little bit about this. She's got fetus head. Yeah, she's got fetus skeleton head. She's got fetus skeleton head, but that just to me makes her... Zeke baby? She looks more... No, Zeke is opposite. She got opposite of Zeke. Oh, she got big head. She got

extra head. But I feel like that's part of the psychic thing. Oh yeah, they do got the big head, the big hair. She's got extra lobes so she can think different. And then Ed Warren looks like a landlord. Right?

Big pot belly, polyester, powder blue leisure suit. And again, you can call him a child molester all day. You can call him a con man, but you can't say he's not a fashion icon. Because that man knew how to dress a portly body.

And you know how you do it? Many different swirled fabrics. Yeah, and vests. Did he wear vests? Vests and the inside sunglasses all the time, which I'm trying to get to. I love that. And let's not forget the cravats. The cravats, the ascots, cravats.

Sides stories, LPOTL at gmail.com. What is the difference between an ascot and cravat, and what does a child molester wear? Both. Both ties as well. But even before the Conjuring movies, the Warrens were as close to cultural icons as paranormal investigators get, especially during the 70s and 80s.

That's because the Warrens were involved with, or more often, inserted themselves into some of the most infamous hauntings in modern history, and they mostly blamed the problems on demon infestations, which was convenient because Ed considered himself to be one of the world's foremost demonologists. And the key is consider yourself. That's how you get the cred. Can I ask a basic question real quick before we get started? Sure. This is a computer. These are microphones. That's Marcus. In

Where are we? Southern California. What's the difference between a demon and a ghost? A ghost, okay, I can actually answer this. I know, Ed Warren has a full explanation. Yeah, a ghost is a human spirit, and a demon is an infernal spirit that has never walked the earth as human. Okay. And they believe in both? Yes. Yes, but they don't believe a ghost can cause you physical harm. They think a ghost is more like when you see, like,

orbs, hanging crystals. He also talks about the difference between a manifestation, like what it takes to see a ghost, but a demon is what hurts you. Because oftentimes, when you see a thing and you wonder what that thing is, and it smells kind of like fart, and it kind of also makes a naughty thing, and it moves your wallet back and forth, it might be a demon. Okay. So ghosts are basically killed by demons. Right.

That is your very interesting take on it. But no, they don't even hang out. Oh, okay. Well, they cohabitate. But they don't know that the other one's there. They don't know that they're roommates. Oh, okay. Yeah, because you can have both ghosts and demons in the same house at the same time. Oh, okay. So it's like when all those gutter punks moved into our house. Very similar. I believe it's depression, oppression, infestation. That is what happened to us.

Now, I think that the Warrens are a lot like the Bigfoot hunter who catches a glimpse of a Sasquatch once and embellishes the facts and sometimes fabricates evidence for the rest of his life because he knows what he saw. He does know what he fucking saw. He almost shot at it. And his buddy was there trying to have sex with him because it was their weekend away from their wives. And this Bigfoot came and ruined everything. But why did it have a hat on? Because he was hiding.

He was trying to be incognito like Leonardo DiCaprio. I feel like immediately, I just want to get this out of the way. So we've covered a little bit of paranormal activity this year. We talked about haunted dolls. We talked, like, kind of trying to get back into the zone. Personally, because we were going to be doing this series this year. I knew we were doing it. We just had the, we just did a big old paranormal experience. And you've heard us. We're going to be talking more in depth than that. We are...

For me, the jury is still out. I am an agnostic across the board. I don't even believe in me. So I don't know where I am at in what I think about paranormal activity in general. But just know, just straight up, as we cover this, we are going to treat some of this as... There are witnesses that were not the Warrens that experienced paranormal activity. And that's... We believe...

in many ways that paranormal activity, whatever it is, whether it's science we don't understand or there's something about the way our brain interprets information and the way our consciousness reacts with reality and then how we generate reality. Maybe it's something like that. But just you're going to need to ride along with us. Yeah. Because this is an opened mind event.

series that might require you to fucking smoke a fucking blunt or two do it to just fucking relax you're gonna need to relax some of that all right yeah i think the concept of ghosts makes completely no sense but there has to be something to that most cultures believe in some sort of spirit yeah you know like if most cultures different religions believe in the same thing then you got to

Put some weight behind it. I guess. It can't all be wishful thinking. No. Yeah. But I think a lot depends on the structured afterlife. I don't believe in a structured afterlife. Sure. That's a whole other story. Neither do I. But I have no doubt, personally, especially after my own recent paranormal experience in New Orleans that was detailed on last week's Side Stories, I have no doubt that Ed and Lorraine experienced an outsized amount of paranormal activity during their time as America's foremost paranormal investigators.

Hangers on. Yeah. Dude, they saw something like, didn't he say it was like 4,000 cases? That's too many. He said there's somewhere between 4,000 and 10,000. That's like three a day. He saw a lot. That's a lot.

Well, the way they started might show why he thinks the numbers up. They did start in sort of a Wilt Chamberlain. I think that he was claiming he was fucking girls just by fingering them for a while just to get the number to pad. I think sometimes he'd finger like three girls in a row. Like he'd have them come to the hotel room. That's got to count for something. Yeah, and he'd be like, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip. You get one. You get one. You get one. And then he would use those to pad his numbers. Sure. Okay.

But, all that being said, I do believe that they did make up the vast majority of what they reported to be the truth. And they embellished their stories to the highest degree in order to push their own Christian agenda that demons are real and, to more importantly, make a living doing so. If ghosts are real, of course it's going to make millions and millions and millions of dollars.

Because it's about who harnesses it. Who's representing these ghosts? Where are the managers? Where are the agents and the bookers for these ghosts? These guys are all in the ghost business. So they have monetized it, and they believe in their own special flair. Ed and Lorraine Warren, more than anything, bring that...

what you said is cynical. It's true. It's a savviness to the packaging of the stories. And they knew this is a perspective because they were also riding the wave of a brand new fascination in demons and Christianity in America. And then this is back before we knew just how much sucky fucky was going on inside these Catholic churches. They were just, at this point,

It was like Michael Jackson's dressing room in every church. You know what I mean? Like, at this point, they were fucking kids. They were Will Chamberlain and the kids. Yeah. Just bimp on their nuts. They were all bragging. They were doing the Legolas Gimli like, I fell 25 this month. 47! Gosh!

So just remember what we're coming into. It's like the Catholic marker, even though they were cult members, it's still viewed as a, that showed that they were very serious. Yeah. Well, the dichotomy between belief and scam artist will be the focus of this three-part series in which we examine both the Warrens' most well-known cases as well as a few that aren't quite as popular. And that's in addition to talking about the Warrens themselves. In this, we hope to get to the bottom

of what Ed and Lorraine Warren were really up to in the near half century that they were the most visible members of the paranormal community until Zach Bagans and company came along and shouted their way to the front. Now, these opinions about the Warrens are not just the wild speculations of three men with interests in the paranormal. It's some of mine. I'm going to say that some of my wild speculations will still be contained within the series. Yeah.

According to multiple people who had dealings with the Warrens, ranging from the supposed victims of hauntings and possessions to those who worked with him on books, Ed and Lorraine let the mask of Christian superheroes slip more than a few times, sometimes openly talking about juicing stories in order to sell more books. For me, that makes them more Christian. Yeah.

They knew how to do that. They knew to do that. Yeah, they're entertainers. Well, they didn't see themselves as entertainers, but they were packaged like they were by themselves. They were great storytellers, right? That's a part of the schtick. Yeah. And furthermore, while Ed claimed to have had mountains of evidence and told story after story of his encounters with real life demons from hell, this is all just stuff Ed said.

And his supposed evidence was jealously guarded from the public and even from other paranormal investigators. That's a part of the scam. Yeah. The whole point is to hide things behind closed doors so that you're always guessing that they have something even more incredible behind closed doors than what you're seeing and hearing in front of you. So it's this carrot game that they do with you. You're the fucking horse, Eddie. You're the big fat horse.

uttered voice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so they take the carrot of fun, spooky stories. And then we always add it with the caveat and you're sitting there, you're munching the carrot and then you're like, and then they, uh, then they're, what they do is they keep you with this idea that like we, but that's just the taste.

All of the stuff. If you even had an idea how much stuff we had, you'd be frightened to be here. I wish I could show it to you. I wish I could show it to you. And this practice of keeping supposed proof of demons to himself, which is fucking earth-shattering news, if it's true. Yeah, if demons are real. Yeah, if you had absolute proof that demons are real, that changes everything.

This was no more on display than when the Warrens agreed to be the subject of an article by the New England Skeptical Society, hereafter referred to as NESS. And this is kind of, we want to give this as sort of an introduction to the Warrens. Yeah, so you can get a taste. You can just get a little taste of who these people are. Now,

Now, I'm usually wary of skeptical societies, partly because they seem to delight in taking the flavor out of human existence and partly because they often ignore evidence that doesn't suit their narrative. Is that a double negative to be skeptical skeptics? Hmm.

Interesting. Demarcus just disappears. He just shatters into a thousand pieces. My God! But that's the thing. On the other hand, the people they're investigating often ignore inconvenient evidence, too. That's the idea. It's either side of the spectrum. Anybody who's showing up telling me that you automatically have a point of view to fulfill, you're going to search for that point of view no matter what it is that you find. Yes. Skeptics and believers are in many ways two sides of the same coin.

But with this article with Ness, investigators Perry DeAngelis and Steve Novella did seem to give Ed and Lorraine a fair shake. Because at this point, Ed and Lorraine Warren, these guys are fucking the Oprahs of ghosts. And this is 1997 when they're going in here. So this is pre-internet. These are people that you've seen on talk shows and news for decades. Yes.

And so they go, they really did. They want to like, all right, because I appreciate what they said, which is if anybody's got the proof, it's you guys. Yeah. So fucking airs the floor. Did the Catholic Church like them? Loved them. Loved them. Yeah. Yeah. They were great. Worked closely with them. They're scaring people into coming to church. Of course. And you know what's great is that Ed Warren could do whatever he wants because he didn't even got the fucking collar on and then they can cut him loose like the CIA. That's great. He's like an asset for the Catholic Church.

It's very helpful. It does really help them. Well, first of all, Perry and Steve did say that they found both Ed and Lorraine to be very nice and genuinely sincere, at least on the surface level. And that's an opinion shared by most people who interacted with them. You don't think that Lorraine Warren didn't make a mean-ass sponge cake? That head alone? They'd be like, My world, I could see you need a nice cool glass of lemonade. I have a psychic premonition.

that you got a seven-inch fucking dick. Right? He pulled him close. I gotta show you a ghost. I'm gonna show you a little ghost. Oh, I'll be back. Bye. Let Ed tell your story. Yeah, she likes to share. Yeah. We have a good time here with the ghosts. They see a lot of crazy stuff like the one time me and her turned a little bellboy from the hotel into the letter A. Yeah.

He's munching a frog. Let me explain. I said he's munching a pussy, right? He's bent off. He's munching a pussy. I'm fucking him. He's got a wig cut, right? Anyway. Lorraine's back. Hey. But the men from Ness, they also said up top in their article that Ed and Lorraine only had a lot of stories and very little proof, making the Warrens New England Society for Psychic Research a research organization in name only.

But for Ed, he said this. Nesper. Nesper. You see it right. Okay. The New England Society for Psychic Research. Nesper. I just thought it would be confusing to have Ness and Nesper in the same story. It is. You're right. But Nesper came first. Yes, Nesper did come first. And it's bigger. Sure. Yeah.

And Ness, I mean, it belongs to Loch Ness. Or Elliot Ness. Yeah, exactly. So if you're going to be a skeptic, you know, get a new name. But for Ed, and he said this explicitly many times, this is his, this is sort of his out.

If one did not have faith in the Christian God and had belief in the existence of demons on earth, then you could never possibly understand his research. Put another way, you had to have as much faith in Ed and Lorraine as the Warrens had in God. Yeah, it's like if you found me as funny as I found me, you'd be having a great time. Because I find me funny.

hilarious, right? And I know I'm hilarious and I believe in that in many ways, you know, even though I doubt, but still at the same time, I don't. No, you don't. You know, so, but if you felt like that, you'd enjoy me more. I think it's a good caveat for all comedy shows. Yeah. If you liked me, you'd have a better time here tonight. Oh yeah, that's why I don't like performing in front of people who don't listen to the show. It's very difficult. From your play.

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Now, anyone who's seen a Conjuring film knows about the infamous Paranormal Museum that is in the Warrens' homes.

For the uninitiated, the basement of Ed and Lorraine Warren's house is filled with artifacts from their many paranormal investigations. Hundreds of objects that were, in some way or another, cursed, touched, or inhabited by demon kind. Over here we got the lamp that Aladdin rubbed or something. I don't fucking know. Over here we got this parking meter where I got a ticket. Ha!

Two fucking weeks ago, I got my jackhammer and I pulled it out of the goddamn ground. Is the museum open? Can you go to it? From what I've read, you can, but it costs a lot of money. I think, to be honest, it was just closed. I believe it was closed in 2019 when Lorraine Warren died, but I'm not quite certain. I think... We'll talk about this more in the future, but I'm pretty sure that the son-in-law...

Ed and Lorraine Warren. Keep the torch going with his own brand of Annabelle vodka. Yeah, wow, merchandising. Nothing I like more than a doll that drinks liquor.

Annabelle vodka. Even a haunted doll could get divorced. Well, when the two men from Ness went down into the basement, they were warned not to touch anything inside. Anyone who went down into the basement said, don't touch anything. Because if they did, Ed said that he would have to purify their auras so they wouldn't be left vulnerable to demonic possessions or interference.

For proof of this claim, Ed told the men that on one visit, a man started banging on the case holding the infamous haunted doll known as Annabelle, demanding her to do something to prove her existence. For those who don't know, Annabelle is a haunted Raggedy Ann doll that's locked in a glass case in the Warren's basement, guarded by a sign that says, Spirited.

positively do not open. And it's crushing in the box office. Yes. Annabelle has no idea. No. Has no idea that all of this money is being made on her fucking back. She has no idea. She's what they, it's what they did to Tupac. It's what they're doing to Annabelle. Annabelle needs a nice Jewish lawyer. Yeah.

Here's the case where I keep Annabelle's Jewish lawyer and knock on that. Unfortunately, every time I knock on that, it's $150 an hour. Let's go. All right, next thing.

Well, according to Ed, the young man and his girlfriend left on their motorcycle and were soon mocking the doll and the Warrens like they were characters in a fucking Chick tract. Do you know Chick tracts? No idea. They're these horrible little Christian comic books. They're driving like, ha ha ha, can you believe how stupid that doll and those people are? Ha ha ha. Oh no, I am losing control of my motorcycle. Oh no, I am now in this motorcycle accident and I am now dead and I am now in hell.

Well, have you ever seen Tijuana Bibles? No. It's stuff like that. It's like, you know. I got a book of Tijuana Bibles I need to show you. Man, if you have a library you need to show me. Yeah, you should go to his home. Well, suddenly, as I said, the young man lost control of his vehicle and drove directly into a tree. The man, Ed said, was killed instantly while the girl was hospitalized for a year, all because they mocked Annabelle. And you know what? In the end...

I laughed. I'd love to see that. It's just a thing. That's just a thing that's nice. Annabelle, you still got it. I gave him a $10 tip. I said, thank you, Annabelle. Good work, Annabelle. As Ed put it, you do not challenge evil the way that this unfortunate young man challenged it because no man is more powerful than the fallen angel that is Satan. Of course. Except...

For Dio. Yeah. Yeah, Dio could challenge Satan all day long. Didn't matter how tall he was. Nope. Five foot two of just pure power. Focal range. Yeah.

Now, the veracity of this story of the man in the motorcycle and Annabelle is impossible to check out because I don't think Ed ever gave the name of the couple in order to give the date of the accident. But every time a visitor entered his basement, Ed did treat each object as if it could potentially curse or kill anyone who touched it.

That's just good showmanship. It is. You're selling tickets to a haunted museum. You want it to be creepy in there. Yeah. Put gloves on, you know, be scared. Oh yeah. Zach Bagans is doing it like fully to the hilt in Vegas right now. It's like a three hour tour. You can give it, say what you want about it. It's scary in there. Now,

Now, the way the basement is portrayed in the Conjuring movies is a master class in spooky set design. Each object perfectly dusty, mysterious, and impressive. Yeah, you have the incredible face of Patrick Wilson next to it. He's extremely handsome. He's so charming. Talk about the puddles. My dick gets wet.

looking at Patrick Wilson. I don't like that. I don't want him to have that effect on me. You're really attracted to him. I've seen you mention this. He's got a big head. He's got an Easter Island head. Also, he's from my part of Florida. My drama teacher used to talk about how wonderful Patrick Wilson was in the States.

And he did Broadway, and if you could see, if you saw him on Broadway, you, my friend, would also be trying to fuck him against his will. Because he is a singular talent. Well, back to the objects in the museum. So yeah, it sells the museum. Yeah, but according to writer Stefan Beck, who toured the actual real museum in 2005, the Warren's Occult Museum is a little chintzier than how it's portrayed in the movies. Right.

Reportedly, amongst other items, one can find an air horn, an LP of Black Sabbath's album Paranoid. I don't know what pressing, but it's one of them. It's there. It got a rubber frog. Very frightening. A haunted organ? No! Is it the liver or the kidney?

Various Halloween decorations. A lot of Halloween decorations. A gray coupon jar labeled Black Magic Witchcraft Items. Quick, get the mustard! Empty! Empty! We gotta get the cinnamon!

Put a lid on it! These hot dogs are cooling down! The president won't be here any longer! We gotta get him his hot dogs! Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon? Get out of here! And of course they have a haunted copy of the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons guide. Unfortunately, it's not even haunted.

It was just a... I researched a little bit about the museum. Oh, really? It's just he thought Dungeons & Dragons was scary. Yeah. A lot of the people in the 70s thought that Dungeons & Dragons, for some stupid fucking reason, they thought that it was the gateway to hell and demons and the practice and worship of the occult and all that. People thought that you would take acid, do D&D, and jump out the window because you thought you were an elf. Yeah. They thought that that would happen. And then we were like, now we have television that are strapped to our eyeballs and...

And you don't say anything. You don't say anything at all.

Well, there's also a fair amount of crude paintings. They include works like paintings of hissing cats, paintings of haunted houses, a painting of a bald red woman in a green cloak, and a Frazetta-style painting of a naked woman wielding a sword. Probably was a Frazetta. It might have been a Frazetta, actually. I mean, he better have had... If you're going to fucking... You're not going to have an original one thing in this house? No. I feel like a lot of this is an example of...

Remember that? They talk about how the first special effects were the train coming towards the camera and people screamed. They were like, ah! It was the scariest thing. It blew their minds, right?

I think that their basement, now, if we went into their basement, you'd see it. It would look like a shitty thrift store. Like, it would look like a big pile of shit. It would look like that. It was one place we went into New Orleans. It was called, like, Factory of the Weird, where it was, like, way, way overpriced, and everything was just kind of, like, scattered everywhere. It was, like, fine, but I think now, at the time, that was viewed as very...

Yeah, it could be. And it was time has now passed and now we don't find that scary anymore. Yeah, Black Sabbath was much scarier back in the 70s. The first album, though. Yeah. Oh, the first album was super creepy. Yeah, that's the scary one. The other ones is just parent.

Yeah, Paranoid is just a guy with a sword. It's about war. And the cover is a guy with a sword and a bicycle helmet. Yeah, I don't know why they thought that was evil. I think it was Black Sabbath. And also, yeah, they were all into the backwards masking stuff. At that point, the rats are eating salad. Yeah.

The fairies are wearing boots right now. Ozzy's rhyming masses with masses. Dude, it's good. It's good. It works for him. From back to the museum, like, fucking the real Annabelle looks super fucking lame. Yeah. It's just a big raggedy and all. Now, was it in a glass case at the movie? Oh, very much so. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. It was in a glass case. A curio cabinet. My mom had Yadros in it.

in those things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had all the weird little fishing boys. Yeah, but it's not the porcelain nightmare like it's portrayed in the movie. It's a cloth Raggedy Ann doll. These are my haunted hummels. But I will always find that scarier. I find that scarier. I hate scary dolls in movies. I hate when they over set deck on the scary things. I think it's stupid because...

Because to me, the actual Raggedy Ann doll that is Annabelle is way freakier if it's actually doing the things it's saying that it's doing. Why not set it on fire? We've talked about this. It's a very bad idea. Because if you do that, you just destroy the vessel. You don't destroy the demon. You're doing Patrick Wilson doing Ed Warren. If I'm doing Patrick, it's like,

Because if you do that, you just destroy the vessel. It's hard to do that, yeah, because it's the stupid accent. It's a bad accent. But it's Patrick Wilson being so charming. Damn, just look at his mouth. I believe everything that he says. See, I'm turned on to Vera. See, I find her in this film. But I feel like she is not the sex in that movie. No, she's not the sex. He's the sex in the movie.

She's more the maternal, like, comforting presence. But she's the sex and everything else she's in. Yeah, but I can't apply it to her Lorraine. I liked her in Moonlight Miles, the bartender. Yeah, getting me drunk and shit because I'm sad. Now, the Warrens claim to have extensive photographic evidence of paranormal phenomena, but the bulk of the photographs that they have allowed the public to see, it's just blobs of light.

Now, there are a lot of ways that this can happen, especially with film, but usually these light blobs are created when the light from a camera flash is reflected back at the lens, causing an overexposed, hazy blob to appear in the finished product. In other words, the Warrens just didn't know how to take a fucking picture, and they took their mistakes as proof of the paranormal.

See, this is what you don't fundamentally understand. This is coming from Ed Warren. And I like it because he talks about this, why it looks like globules. You know, glance around the dark room. You see two bluish orbs of light, roughly the size of golf balls, floating near each other about five feet off the floor. As you watch, you might also see streaks of light flash away from your body. This is electromagnetic energy being drawn from your aura. In no time at all, these two balls of light come together and they merge into a larger ball, about the size of a grapefruit.

The ball will then elongate into a tall cigar-shaped size of a human being. Instead of the orbs of light, other people report seeing hundreds of tiny pinpoints of light in the cluster that, like the orbs, blend into a larger cylindrical globe. In other cases, when in this tall bioluminescent globe,

The defiable features of a person will begin to emerge until the spirit is manifested as much as it possibly can. And to be accurate, by the way, it's called the ghost. If the features are not recognizable to the viewer, if the features are recognizable to the viewer, it's an apparition. Either way, you got to visit her.

Your impression is like he's doing a set of bench presses. To me, it sounds like he's trying to work through a really big pastrami sandwich. You don't think he is? Look at him. He's going, hey, hey. Come on. Hey. You can't get me now, ghost. I'm not going to be with you now, ghost. I can't sit in that chair if you ain't got a pillow on it. Oh, no.

Oh my God, you have active ghosts in here. No, that's Ed getting up from the couch. Well, as of 1997, when this article was written by the Skeptical Society, the Warrens had posted on their website that using flash makes capturing a ghost more likely, meaning that they probably weren't even aware that they themselves were creating the conditions for their alleged ghost photography. How else are they supposed to know they're getting their picture taken?

You want these ghosts to fucking show the good side of the camera so you can show the scientists make a lot of money. It's all right. It's very expensive companies. That's why you gotta get in there. Oh, I know. I saw the ghost said. Oh, you gotta take their picture. They're so...

Oh, the ghost is sick today. Now, the Warrens also claim to have video evidence of the paranormal, the most famous being Ed's White Lady of the Union Cemetery video. In it, a human figure is seen skulking behind some tombstones, but the video is taken from such a distance and it's such low resolution that it's impossible to determine any details about it.

Furthermore, Ed Warren almost never let anyone take any of his evidence or make copies for further analysis. Also, Ed could control the narrative completely when it came to his and Lorraine's investigations. That might be the reason why we have no definitive giant story.

like theoretical discussion about the quote unquote capital P phenomena is because of what you'd call compelling material gatekeeping that they, this is across the board. Every single source I have ever read, you know, arts parts,

You got this stuff that's hanging out somewhere that nobody gets to see. George Knapp's got stuff that we can't see. Jacques Vallée's got stuff that we can't see. NIDS has got stuff that we can't see. Robert Bigelow has got information that we can't have. And it's all just like, if you guys all just fucking got together,

and showed everybody your fucking horse shit, you might get some legit money from the government to resource it. And guess what? You guys all get to fucking, you'll make your money and shit. You'll get all your stuff. But it's like without, with you not, we got to see it. You see this one big problem there, Henry, is that it's just, it's not there.

But they just don't have it. Launch across the table. You never know, though. I'm still holding out. I see compelling footage every day. Some of it, this one recent one I watched, and it was... Is this a ghost? No, no, it's a ghost. It was like this woman was...

getting caught into a... Back office of some kind. Did she steal something? Yes. These ghosts are so naughty. These ghosts are thoroughly searched by these store owners.

Well, in the only video the men from Ness were allowed to take from Ed's private collection, a man was purported to dematerialize. The subject enters the room, stands in front of a mounted camera, scratches his head, and seems to disappear. And after he disappears, a ghostly white light follows. And as Ed and the two Ness investigators watched the video, Ed said, matter-of-factly, quote, That kid disappeared.

Can you imagine? It's the same. It's like, you know when you try to show your friend a funny video or video you think is funny on YouTube and you're like, eh?

Like as they're watching it and they're like, thanks. You know, you could imagine just his big fat head, sweat pouring into his ass. Like going like, eh, ghost? Eh, see? Eh? Look right there. Ghost? Eh? You're supposed to talk them into it before they see it. Eh? Right there. Huh? You're watching it. Eh? Here with me, Ahmed.

But when the film was taken for detailed analysis, it was easily discovered that the video was stopped in the final frame of the person in the room, then continued a few seconds later after the guy moved out of the shot. Who do you think was shooting the movie? Oh, you... It was a ghost. Yeah.

That's what Super Funko Mysterious, but this kid disappeared, didn't even know that he was alive. He was being directed by a ghost. This whole thing, shot, filmed, written, produced by a ghost. Apparition, because I could see him. Well, as far as the ghostly light went, it was determined that it was likely headlights from a passing car shining into the window.

And so the conclusion that Ness came to is that while Ed and Lorraine Warren were very much believers in the paranormal, they were by no means legit investigators. Rather, they were excellent storytellers and fantastic self-promoters who made a damn good living on those strengths. And I fight for these people.

con people. I fight for them every day because we need them in the paranormal community because unfortunately they're the ones that bring things to the public. These, these hungry monsters are the ones that bring things out to, we get to see it right. Unfortunately, but they're also the ones that cause people to not believe because all their shit is so easily disproven and they're proven a lot. They're so easily proven to be liars. It's because people don't believe in themselves. Yeah.

You got to come to the material with your own ideas. And you got to look at this stuff and decide for yourself if it's real or not, right? You can't believe the warrants. You can't believe yourself, right? But don't do your own research. Let other people do your own research. But at the same time, do the research that other people have done. I think that's the key. Yeah. Do research that other people have done. So read what the experts have said after they do actual research. Because what we do here isn't research. This is, we read stuff. We report. We report. We report upon the things that we have read. I research.

I live every day as Ed Warren. You don't think that this has not been a month's long... Yeah, because you think that the gaining weight has just been due to stress, new medication, and not giving a fuck about exercising anymore? What's the last time you broke into a church? I am... This is a... I am in character. I'm gaining weight to understand Ed Warren. Nice. Yeah. So after... So you're saying, like, after this series is done, you're going to get healthy again? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, who exactly were Ed and Lorraine Warren? And how did they make themselves the face of paranormal investigation for decades, specifically in the 70s and 80s? Well, for the answer to that, we have to depend a fair amount on the face value biography that is The Demonologist by Gerard Brittle. This book was written with the direct involvement of the Warrens, meaning that it almost always paints them in the most positive light possible and treats them like the Christian superheroes they claim to be.

Luckily, though, there's been some investigation into the lives of Ed and Lorraine Warren outside of the demonologists. So while a lot of their biographical information comes from them, there has been a bevy of information unearthed that betrays the portrait of the loving, wholesome couple portrayed by Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga. They don't even kiss!

In the movie? In the whole movie. They don't even kiss. They've been together for years. They're religious. You should be kissing. Catholics want you to fuck. Yeah, they want you to fuck, but this girl's haunted. What, are they going to make out in front of her? That's what I do. Yeah.

I mean, they did make one reference to sex. It was like, do you remember what you said to me on our wedding night? Can we do it again? Yeah, and you're like, yeah, Patrick Wilson's the DeVere for my guy. I think that Ann Warren was like, do you remember, Ann, what you told us on our honeymoon? Yeah, I said, I hope the fucking sub shop's open. I'd be furious.

I just got done heaving on top of you, woman. And I tell you what, that was the longest minute of my life. Now it's time to get some soup. Big, thick, filling cheese sticks.

Let's go look for some ghosts. Up to speed, some ghosts in my pants. Yeah, I delayed the cum. I didn't want to put it in you. I didn't want to insult you. I'm filling you with cum. It's a thing that's disrespectful. Leaving a woman all full of cum like she's some kind of apricot. Thanks to Timothy Shamble.

Now, Ed Warren isn't even Ed Warren's real name, or at least it's not his entire name. He was born Edward Warren Miney on September 7th, 1926 in Bridgeport, Connecticut, to an extremely Catholic family. No one believes a Miney. There's no way Ed the hiney Miney is going to fucking make it in the paranormal world. Absolutely not. No. His family was so Catholic that when his father died... How Catholic were they? They molested every child in the family. Oh.

They were so Catholic that they lied and stole from people. Yeah. I know personally this is going to drive you fucking nuts. They were so Catholic that the bulk of his father's estate went not to his kids or his wife when he died, but to the local Catholic diocese. And the church promptly wasted this man's legacy on yet another stained glass window. Oh.

It wasn't there before. The only way that's not a waste of money is if that stained glass window was a picture of a big fat guy with a big sandwich. Like he died doing what he loved. And a little thought bubble that says, I hate my kids. I hate my kids. It's really fun. It's kind of more of a Sunday morning cartoon than a stained glass window, but...

Fly from your grave.

Lorraine, meanwhile, born Lorraine Moran a year later. Moron? Yeah. Lorraine Moran. Oh, I actually did want to add about Ed's dad because he talked about he was obsessed with his father. Yeah. And his dad was so Catholic. I've never heard this level of Catholic. I didn't know that they had. He used his rosary beads as anal beads. He pulled himself up like a lawnmower.

is that he'd go to church every day. I didn't know there was mass every day. Yeah, there's mass every single day. I guess they gotta be doing something. There's mass twice a day every day. Yeah, the deacon's gotta practice, you know? Yeah, he's gotta get his fucking minutes in. Did we lose Henry?

No. I just dropped it. I dropped out of my cans. Henry dropped out of mine, too. Mike dropped out. Every episode we talk about haunted dolls, Henry's voice drops out. It really is. Whatever. I'm not even in a dresser because it really gets a lot. I will say, I have the haunted Ouija board in my home right now, and I put it in my- You look like a haunted doll. Ah!

Love me. I was an abortion. A little boarded ghost jumps in. Oh, yeah. I forgot you guys wrote and performed a sketch about a haunted doll. You guys had to do Dollmaker, what, 100 times?

times. I'm the doll maker. Yeah, it was one of my favorite sketches you guys did. But I have that haunted Ouija board in my home and I put it in my, I have like a bad juju drawer. I have all the stuff that I've collected. You fit the whole Ouija board in the drawer? Yeah, I have a big

drawer. That's a big drawer. Yeah, I save it. It's as big. I put all my fucked up stuff in it. What else is in it? I got my I have a John Wayne Gacy in there. I have some other like murder memorabilia. I got some other haunted memorabilia that sits in this drawer and I put stuff in it to sort of contain the juice in it, right? I put all like you got like powders and stuff in it. Yeah. Yeah. And I put flowers or I try to like make it a sacred little thing to keep it in but I have been. Do you shoot into it? No, my cum is for my family.

That's saved for my family. You say wife. Don't say family. Half of it belongs to the dogs and our gardener. He needs his...

And so I, but I have been noticing that I have been finding a film of slime in a puddle in the front of my house that I've had to mop up about four times. That's the closest I've gotten to some form. There's some weird shit going on. Where's the slime? Is it on the concrete, like on the doorstep? It's on the wood. It's on the wood? Inside the house. Yes. Oh, inside the house. Yes, and I have, I've wiped it up many times. I've cleaned it up, and it's a clear, like a gel. What does it smell like? Nothing. Huh. Because I smelled it. You should call the city. What?

I'm not kidding. Well, Lorraine born Lorraine Moran a year after Ed, she grew up three blocks away from Ed and met him in 1944 when Ed was working as an usher at a local theater.

Two clairvoyants growing up three blocks from each other. I mean, what are the fucking chances? Yeah, I mean, it's hardly that God brought us together for a reason story told in the Conjuring movies. They were married a year later in 1945. That's just how people were married then. He was on his way to war, too, so they just got it out of the way. Because he was already pre-gnant by the time he went to WWII. But he chose the strong man. Big fig old cummies. So he killed people.

Maybe. Maybe. He definitely was there while other guys did. The majority of people who go to war don't actually see combat. Necessarily. At least in World War II, Vietnam and all that. Yeah, the majority of people did not actually. Weren't on the front. Weren't like Bastogne. That was easy company. Yeah, no one tells their story. But I will say it is a miracle thinking about how a young Lorraine Warren, Lorraine Moran,

She went into a movie theater and she kind of looked, she was cute. And she saw a man that looked like the child version of William Taft. And she said the actual, like, these are the words, according to the interview I just watched with her, where she was saying, she's like, when I saw that man, by that first time,

I knew in love and first sight because I knew that was the man I was going to marry. Meanwhile, he's like, I want some popcorn. You want to get some kind of chicken link or something? What do you do? Hey, you got a big head. You look like a fetus. You got nice bottoms.

Now, Ed claimed to have been continuously drawn to the paranormal, saying that it all started when he was five years old. According to him, Ed's family lived in a house owned by an old spinster landlady who screamed at anyone and everyone at the slightest provocation. Classic pre-ghost behavior.

As such, a year after she died, Ed said that he was playing in his room when the closet door flew open and a small light grew into a transparent, frowning apparition of his landlady. Oh, it's the white lady of Sad Bitch Lane. Where's the money, Ed? Where's the money, Ed? Where's the money, you fucking loser? I'm good for it, ghost. I'm good for it. You go back. You go back. I'm sick of the apparition, ghost.

She then disappeared. And it was this formative experience that set Ed on the path to a life in paranormal investigation. I feel that this is why I connect with Ed in a way, because I think that he was what I was, which is a chubby man.

want to be goth he wanted to be close to the where the goths were 1930s goth oh yeah he wanted the ghosts he wanted that life but it's just hard for a chubby little boy because there's no mystery in a chubby little boy like when a guy a tall they always say tall dark and handsome and he shows up and he's got a cloak on he's mysterious and they're all like but then whenever the paranormal investigator shows up it's never max von seidel no it's always maurice gross

who looks like one of the Mario Brothers. Who looks like Ed Warren, who is a walrus. It looks like he opens oysters with his mouth. But it must be said that Ed did not like to refer to himself as a paranormal investigator. Rather, Ed liked the moniker of demonologist. This role, Ed believed, was prophesied by a series of recurring childhood dreams featuring a nun.

After appearing a number of times in Ed's dreams, the nun finally spoke and told Ed, quote, You will tell many priests the right road to go down, but you yourself will never be a priest. Oh, Ed. Oh, you can't ever be a priest because that much cock will be wasted. Oh, and...

Spray my habit. No, and come in my little hat. Oh, my square-toed shoes. Put them on your ears. I'm sorry, it's just a twin-size bed. That's all I'm allowed due to my, oh, foul chastity. You know, it's incredible how much non-porn the Italians produce. Oh, of course. They invented it. My God.

Well, this nun dream, Ed said, foretold his future as the only demonologist in the world that was not a full-time employee of the Catholic Church, but was still recognized as a legit expert in his field. That's what always gave Ed his credibility, is that the Catholic Church recognizes me as a demonologist. Yeah, the Pope's like, oh, yeah!

Yeah, I guess he's with us. He seems fine. Bring me, because this is also, we got the Nazi Pope. There's a lot of bad Popes. I guess he was mostly during John Paul II. I mean, the Nazi Pope came after Ed died. Was it John, because this was all John Paul II? Well, no. Pre. John Paul II started in what, the 70s? Maybe 81 or something.

I don't know his exact age. I'm going to guess 80. He was too Polish to die for too long. That's what I always like about John Paul II is that he just kept forgetting to fucking give up. 78. 78? 1978. So, yeah, so he would have been recognized by the Pope before that. Wow. Yeah. There's only been three Popes in our lives. Yeah. That's wild. Man, and I couldn't give a living fuck about either, any one of them.

I think every one of them should be turned into dog food. You know what I mean? They should be literally ground up and fed to animals. Yeah, he would have been recognized probably by Paul under the reign of Paul VI. How fun would it be to think about grabbing a pope by his little slippers and pulling him out of his chair? How fun would that be? Oh, man. Or like hiking up his dress and fucking hitting him in the face a couple times. Or beat him up like a hockey fight. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? No! No!

Spanking his little butt. The Swiss Guard. Because I feel like a lot of times the Swiss Guards are just, it's just a costume. They're trained, right? No, they're highly trained. Highly, deadly trained. But like highly trained, like Disneyland employees are highly trained? Maybe. I wouldn't put them on the role of like Spetsnaz or Green Beret or anything like that. But I would imagine they know their shit. Who's training them? There's not like... Oh, they're the ones before. Does the Vatican have an army? The Swiss Guard.

I don't know if it's an army. It's more of a guard. I don't think they have an army. They used to have an army. The Pope did have an army way back when. We're way into the weeds of shit that we don't know anything about. I do know the Catholic Church did have an army for centuries at a time. But as far as Lorraine's role in all this went, it is actually pretty similar to what's portrayed in the movies. While

While Ed was the pot-bellied warrior defending mankind against the demon hordes, Lorraine was the clairvoyant, the one who could communicate with spirits using her psychic powers. Now sometime in the late 40s, early 50s, Ed and Lorraine started their paranormal careers in an oddly invasive manner.

See, both of them were fair-to-middling landscape painters, and when they would hear about reports of active haunted houses in the newspaper, they'd loiter outside the home across the street and sketch it. And seeing as how they lived in New England, America's most haunted region, these haunted house stories came more often than you'd expect.

I actually really, I really appreciate how they got into paranormal, the research and hunting, because it really is the equivalent of being a multi-hyphenate during the mid-aughts when you had to make your own shit as a comedian, where you just have to...

find their lane. They both were trained as artists. Ed and Lorraine went to school for art school together. They both were like Lorraine. As soon as she met Ed again, I don't know if it's just because he had the gift of gab or whatever. She was head over heels for him. It went to art school together. And when they got out, like he was so obsessed with the paranormal. He,

He would just go. Like, I commiserate with that, where he was the guy that he became so interested, he would just sort of put himself in these places, which is how you honestly get anywhere in this life. You got to go to where the shit is. But it's, I actually think it's kind of cool. Like, your house is haunted. You know those stories about your own house. You look out, you see this dumpy guy and some weird wispy fetus head psychic woman. What's going on?

Hey! You hear any boos lately? Hey! You got a ghost! Hey!

But when they finished with the sketch, Ed and Lorraine would knock on the door of the homeowner and tell them that they could have the sketch in exchange for information about the haunting.

The Warrens would then double dip on these sketches when Lorraine would turn them into full paintings. These haunted house paintings were sold at art auctions, and that drummed up interest for Ed and Lorraine's fledgling careers as paranormal investigators and demonologists. So they were literally sketchy. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, and Ed, meanwhile, worked as a bus driver until the whole demonologist thing took off. I find most amateur demonologists are bus drivers. Nothing's wrong with being a bus driver. No, it's a hard job.

and they get attacked all the time. It's a very difficult job. It's about being an amateur demonologist. Yeah. That's what's difficult. You're right. Now, once word got around about Ed and Lorraine's investigative prowess and their psychic powers, or at least Lorraine's psychic powers, the whole package became terribly impressive to the public.

So in 1952, decades before the paranormal revival of the 70s, the Warrens founded the New England Society for Psychic Research, NESPR. Thank you. Which is still active today. It's still around. Word soon spread that there was a very impressive sounding organization in Connecticut that would take your claims of paranormal activity and demon possession seriously when no one else would. They were ready to believe you.

and the calls started rolling in. And I'll tell you what, if you don't want to talk about ghosts, if you don't want to talk about poltergeists or apparitions and stuff, it's also kind of nice as you get on my bus, we don't got to go on the normal lanes. There's a whole lane for the bus. So I can take us anywhere you want to go in an actually very expressive amount of time. So you come on down, I'll show you where the demons live. There, there, there's one there, there's one there, there's one there, there's one there. Don't pull the emergency brake! And this is a goddamn emergency brake and everybody quiet down.

I'm driving a bus to the deepest out there. So they were like actual Ghostbusters. Yeah. In a way.

Now, it's important to note here that the Warrens were very much filling a gap in American society. See, during the 1950s, America did not have strong beliefs in the supernatural, demonic possession, or the devil is like a guy who's just around. Like, that's what crazy people believed. Really, it wasn't until the late 60s, with the rise of, ironically, Protestant charismatic Christianity, did exorcism, a traditionally Catholic practice, start to come back into fashion.

But it was really, as we've said time and again, the exorcist that really brought the devil back to America. It really did. And then there was did a little bit of research about the idea of using the the pro the anti-abortion stance.

to politicize the Christian right. That's also sort of where the obsession would play out after this. That is a very long and incredible story of how abortion... It all started with an experimental filmmaker. No shit. It's a very... It's a bizarre and long story, but it's very cool. There's an episode of this great podcast I like called Things Fall Apart that goes into it. It's fucking weird. It involves a field of...

baby dolls with no arms or something. It's very strange. Man, I remember one time Julie's great uncle was a priest and we were driving him back to the priest nursing home one day and then across the street, of course, is a church and there was a bunch of crosses on the lawn of the church and I was like, hey, Father Bob, why are all those crosses on the church? He's like, each one of those crosses represents a baby that was aborted this year. And I was like, that's not that many. Laughter

To be honest, I want double that next week. Let's go. All right, I got my hook. I got some pills and a vacuum. Well, today, exorcisms are at an all-time high, with requests to the Catholic Church ranging from outright criminal gay conversions to a guy who believed his truck was possessed by the devil because it kept breaking down no matter how many times he took it to the shop. Yes. Yes, exactly. Fix or repair daily. Yeah, yeah.

But back in the 50s and 60s, if you thought you had a case of demonic possession or an out-of-control haunting that no one believed, you could count on Ed and Lorraine Warren to arrive at your home to investigate and possibly help get rid of your demonic problem in one way or another. As long as it was a demon. Yeah, as long as it was a demon. If it was a ghost, you'd be like, yeah, deal with it. See you later. Do they stay in New England?

Or do they go everywhere? They go everywhere. But, I mean, a lot of their cases did end up being in New England. You know, Long Island. Yeah. Rhode Island. A lot of the islands. Yeah. Ghosts stay on islands because ghosts are canonically afraid of boats. However, Long Island, not an island. A peninsula, sir. Ooh. That's what Long Island. I don't believe that. Rob?

I think it is because he's from Long Island. Hold on a second. I've never heard that. It is a long peninsula. It's not an island. But it's not connected. It ends at Queens and Brooklyn and the river goes through. Doesn't it? So it is a long island. I don't think it is a peninsula. All right. Even though geographically, it's an island. Legally, it's treated as a peninsula. This is David.

It's a contiguous part of New York state legally, legally concerning the subject of money. And this is a big deal. Money is a big part of the Warren story. It's interesting and somewhat hard to parse. Once I really started thinking about it and started really looking at their careers.

See, the Warrens never charged money for their services. You say they were like the Ghostbusters, but the Ghostbusters were a capitalistic venture. Yes. That's what the joke of the Ghostbusters was, was that it's being lost money.

all the time. It's about blue-collar workers working in a paranormal aspect. Yeah, but the Warrens practiced paranormal investigation for decades before they started seeing any sort of book deals or significant back-end cash. That shit didn't really start coming until the 70s. They started in 1952. So, to be absolutely fair, it very well could be that the Warrens did start out as genuine believers, but over the years, it seems like the money and the fame won out.

Both, however, were most likely rationalized by the Warrens telling themselves that they were just using the fame and money for good to spread the word of God. But ultimately, they just ended up being a more harmful presence again and again. They knew the power of what they were working with. I think that they were more than true believers. I think that Ed and Lorraine Warren really did. Lorraine Warren is absolutely a true believer. Ed Warren...

He's a devout Catholic, but that doesn't mean that doesn't... You're not a piece of shit. Yeah. So that's what he was, and I think that... But it is interesting because he does it all through the Catholic framework. He does, to me, say things that are accidentally kind of esoteric from here and there, but that's mostly just because the Catholics don't really want to admit the fact that their Bible is a grimoire and that what they do are magical practices. Yeah. Ceremony magic. Written by a king. Yes. Now...

But if she was a true believer, then she did see ghosts. Maybe. Or at least that she believed that she could communicate psychically. And I think they did see things. She said that she could read auras and that she was a clairvoyant, which means she can see the future. When you put yourself in enough crazy situations, something's going to happen eventually. That's my feeling. Yeah.

Now, when Ed and Lorraine entered a haunted location, they relied on what they called the three sensitivities. And if a location exhibited all three, then that was enough for them to declare a location haunted or a person possessed. Now, I always thought the three sensitivities is that it's, you know, when you suck on the neck. If the penis moves, that's good. If you suck on the ears and the vagina goes up and down, then something's wrong. You've been sucking too long. There's two and three. It's like, I can't stand yogurt. Ha!

That's one of my big sensitivities. And I was like, oh, ghostbite yogurt, it could have been a human. You know what I like.

Well, as far as what those sensitivities were, it can be boiled down to whether or not Ed and Lorraine were vibing with the scene, if it felt right. In fact, every single bit of the whole three sensitivities theory involved long-winded explanations created solely by Ed and Lorraine Warren, meaning none of it can be verified by an outside source or even really discussed unless you buy into the Warrens' worldview. They did the Supreme Court, I know ghosts when I see them. Yeah.

For example, when Lorraine was asked how you know if there is a demonic spirit in your home, she said, you just know, which is extremely unhelpful to the rest of us. Yeah, you just know, Lorraine, because of your fetus-shaped psychic head. Okay? But the rest of us, we got fucking small, normal...

grounded heads. Yeah. Usually your baby starts floating. That's a dead end. You know, like, if a demon's around, honestly, you're not getting any work done. Well, as Ed and Lorraine put it, while people philosophize about demonic possessions as purely psychological phenomena, anyone who has ever walked into one of these houses where demonic presences have made camp would never make such an empty statement.

Ed said that when you walk into one of these houses, the family is liable to be sobbing or huddled together in terror with their clothes half torn off. Yeah. In the air, one can smell the powerful stench of sulfur, ozone, rotting flesh, or just straight up shit. And that's only, that's after I change into my uniform. My ghost hunting uniform. And then the real stinky stuff starts. That's when the demons get in there. I never wash it. I don't wash it. Why would I? No.

Objects will be levitating and incredible pounding comes from the walls, which are themselves covered in obscene or anti-religious statements that have been written by unseen hands in any one of a dozen languages. Oh, my God. He wrote God's a loser. That's all. It's Sanskrit. That's me. Why'd you say that? Why'd you say I'm a God? I made you.

Objects will materialize and dematerialize right in front of your eyes. Religious objects will be desecrated. Little fires will flicker on the corners of chairs. Curtains go up in flames. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. Full circle.

Now, these claims run counter to every single other investigation of poltergeist hauntings or even demon possession I've ever read. And that includes reports by hardliners like Malachi Martin, who wrote a book with the very dramatic title, Hostage to the Devil. The Warrens had their own situation. They had their own belief system. In most cases, like, say, the Enfield poltergeist case, some of these things do happen, but on a much smaller scale.

And the somewhat more credible possession cases, at least the ones that kind of make you think a little bit, give you a little bit of pause. Those are just fucking bizarre. They're confusing. They're weird. Yeah, like alien abduction stories. Yeah. It's high strangeness. Yeah, it is very much high strangeness.

But Ed's claims are so incredibly embellished that if you take them at face value, then yes, I could see how you could believe that demons are real and the world is an even scarier and more dangerous place than it already is. It's like that thing where you believe something crazier than something that was just, you know, kind of normal. Yes. But if he was a real demon hunter, he would have one of those big anime swords. Like he would be going everywhere with battle scars and like demon

armor on. Would he be like Guts from Berserk? Yeah, he'd be walking everywhere with all the various trinkets he'd picked up from all the missions he's completed. He'd have like, you know how by the time you're at the end of a video game, you've got a helmet from one set on and you've got the pants from another set on. That's what he'd look like. He'd look like your Dark Souls run. Yeah, my Dark Souls gab. My Elden Ring character with the gigantic mushroom hat and the big dragon armor. I just gotta say, thank God I got that save scrolls.

I got the safe scrolls and I got the reroll potion. There's no way I would get through that if it wasn't for my mega sleeves. Plus two dexterity. But like anyone who really, really wants their beliefs to be true, the Warrens take nuggets of common paranormal experiences like knocking or bad smells and blow them up to cinematic proportions, which is what makes the Conjuring movie so much fun.

Now, according to Ed, there are three stages of demonic activity, and Ed's perspective on demonic possession is going to be extremely important to know about when we start going through their cases one by one. According to Ed, the three stages are infestation, oppression, and possession.

If I remember correctly, though, these are common designations in the world of demonology. I don't know if Ed took it from somewhere else or if other people are taking it from Ed. I might be wrong, and please, oh, I can't wait for you to tell me that I'm wrong, but I believe that Ed Warren may not have designed...

this on his own. May not. I think that demonology is a very old course of education. No. And that they've been teaching it for a long time. Now, during the infestation stage, a demon will create fear and generate negative energy in order to break down the human's will. These are the annoying things. These are the knocks, moving objects, cold spots, just stuff that makes you feel weird. Stuff that makes you angry. Yeah. Slapping your sister. Yeah. Yeah, slapping your sister. Yeah.

in your butthole while you're asleep. That makes you happy. Depends on how big the finger is. I like a little smooth one. Well, according to Ed, this process usually begins after someone opens a door into the unknown and walks down the darkened path.

This breaks the law of invitation. He is obsessed with the idea that all of this paranormal activity is the people within its fault. Yes, he's blaming the victim over and over again. This usually involves ceremonial magic, incantations, seances, Ouija boards, or playing Dungeons & Dragons.

I would imagine that if Ed Warren were alive today, he would designate listening to this show as an invitation to demonic possession. I like that one guy's impressions. He seems like a straight up guy. I like him. I don't get him in there. I don't like that. I like to hear his little voices and he seems like a funny guy. But otherwise, I can't say it seems to be an invitation by the devil.

But once the demon is let in, so to speak, the oppression phase begins with a psychological attack dedicated to the complete domination of a victim's will. The goal of oppression is to cause the individual to lose control, which then opens the door to full-fledged possession. Yes, it's like what happened in Brooklyn.

Over a period of time, various felt people arrived with various handlebar mustaches, some with the mustaches tattooed on their index finger to put it over. They came with their bangs. They came with their ukuleles, began the infestation. Then the oppression began, which is asking for Moby's T-line. Walking around saying, hey, there should be a sandal store here instead of this place.

Bodega or hospital See I think they started in the 1920s Went underground and came back Like cicadas Yeah and at the very end The possession is when those Svelte people now have children And they're taking your fun things away From the neighborhood you used to like Yep that's why I moved out of Greenpoint Yep

Well, oppression, Ed said, had many signs. Disgusting smells, ghoulish moans, blood-curdling screams, heavy breathing, magical whispering, and ghastly visions. You might also experience materializations, dematerializations, teleportations, levitations, cuts, burns, gouges, wounds, bruises, headaches, demon faces on the TV screen, and inhuman voices on the phones.

I thought you got to say it with like a, at the end of a, like a Zoloft commercial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. May include materialization, dematerialization, teleportation, levitation, cuts, burns, gouges, wounds, bruises, headaches, demon faces on the TV screen, and inhuman voices on the phone. Nelson Coo, diarrhea, loosening of the bowels, bleeding from the ears. Instant. May also include instant death. Now usually, oppression focuses on one or two family members, but conveniently, the oppressed don't even have to be the ones to have broken the law of invitations.

It could have been someone decades earlier who allowed themselves to be overtaken by a demonic spirit, someone the family didn't even know and therefore cannot verify. Demons are their thing. Yeah. That brings us to our first story, that of the Perrin family, which was famously retold in the loosest manner in the very first Conjuring movie. It is.

A very loose retelling of the story. When you rewatch The Conjuring 2, you forget that that's the intro to Ed and Lorraine Warren. And it is the intro that they use for a lot of their cases in terms of the books that they wrote. They wrote a whole book just about this one. It's all from their perspective, so it's mostly full of shit. But, you know, that's what we're trying to parse apart here. It's just...

We'll get to it. Now it begins. Just know that this truly is one of their first big cases. Now, The Conjuring was released about seven years after Ed's death in 2006, but Lorraine died in 2019. So she worked as an advisor on all The Conjuring movies up to that point and even had a cameo in the first movie. Yeah, she's sitting in a chair.

Not you and Jack shit. You really only see like the top of her skeleton face. Yeah, all you see is the fetus part of the cranium. You know she must have been so annoying on set. I don't think that. Lorraine? Get to it, get to it, get to it. Or every five minutes like grabbing a grip and be like, you'll die soon. See, that's what I would do. If I was a famous psychic, I'd just be grabbing it.

You must get to Toledo. And they just went away, just grabbed people by the... Juicy madness is coming, sir.

Well, until her death, Lorraine Warren and one of the Perron daughters, Andrea, they insisted that the film The Conjuring was accurate to the real events. And so, to be absolutely fair, let's go through the story as it was told by the Warrens and by Andrea Perron in her book, House of Darkness, House of Light. Oh, she wrote a book. Yeah. That's why she lied. Yeah.

So in December of 1970, Roger and Carolyn Perrin moved into a large home near Harrisville, Rhode Island, with their five daughters. Ancient by American standards, the house had been built in 1736 on a 200-acre plot of land.

Just as they were about to move in, however, the previous owner warned them that for the sake of their family, keep the lights on at night. Yeah, but how are we supposed to sleep? Keep the lights on at night if you value your family. Is there something because there's like a hidden step? If you value your family, you will not turn the lights off. But I don't understand. It doesn't really make any sense. Nighttime is when you need the lights on. I will not elaborate further.

Fuck off. I just feel that all of this should have been disclosed while we were doing the inspections. It's not my problem anymore. Fuck you. I just feel that things are kind of spinning out of control here.

Also, why are you... How did you own this house, ghoul man? How did you... Where did you go to work, you shadowy... I inherited it from my uncle. Oh, you're a nepo ghoul? And sure enough, the haunting started almost immediately, although the spirits were friendly at first and focused mainly on the children.

The first two spirits to show up were Mrs. Arnold and Johnny Arnold. Johnny Arnold, ghost on the prowl. These were obviously the previous residents of the property, for the Perrons had moved on to a piece of land known as the Arnold Estate. Now, Mrs. Arnold would tuck the girls in at night and kiss them on the forehead, while Johnny, who supposedly hung himself in the attic in the mid-18th century, played with the children's toys.

Man, if I hadn't killed myself, there would have been so many different toys to play with. Oh, I would love to see an Atari. Ah, I shouldn't have died so early.

There were also other harmless ghosts like the sweeper who would invisibly make the noise of a broom sweeping. And when the family investigated the noise, they'd find the broom in the closet with a neat little pile of dirt next to it. They had a janitor? They had a ghost janitor? Even ghosts know if you got time to lean, you got time to clean. Oh, ghost janitor. That's a great movie. Ghost janitor. This house is clean. The only thing that would make me scary is being in the bathroom.

With the ghost janitor not knowing that he's in there because you know he's peeking into the stalls. Again? I'm getting too old for this shit. I see you. Do you need a mint? Would you like some deodorant or banaca? Get out of here, ghost bathroom attendant. That's a big shit. Get me more buckets, please.

But quite suddenly, the haunting turned violent. The Perons began hearing disembodied cries and banging doors, and at exactly 5.15 a.m. on certain nights, the negative spirits would lift up beds and toss the sleeping Perons to the floor, who would wake up to the smell of rotting flesh.

Things then got quite a bit worse, for there was one encounter that Andrea mentioned in her book that the family refuses to speak about. As Andrea put it, there was a very bad male spirit in the home with five girls, and that...

was all she was going to say about that. Hey, little girls, I know you're asleep, but I just want to let you know the one thing y'all need to do. Yeah, I might be a ghost and your mom might not like me, but I want to let you know you better work. And if you girls want to go out there, you need to show them pussies up and I need you...

To get that man for his money, lock it down, scam alive. Every day, get that scam going on, okay? Yeah, your mom may not like me because I'm shooting you straight, okay? Because you better get that bag, girlfriends. Get that bag. Woo! But pretty soon, the negative spirits... I don't like what this ghost is teaching my daughters.

But pretty soon, the negative spirit surprisingly focused not on the girls, but their mother, Carolyn. From what they could tell, the head spirit had the hots for Carolyn's husband, Roger, who would feel gentle caresses whenever he went down to the cellar. I gotta go back down to the cellar, get a little gentle caress. Hey, it's got an S in there. You guys see anybody else getting a handjob in the basement? Baby, your caresses are too hot.

Never thought about chopping off your hands because I've heard phantom limbs are incredible. Well, according to Andrea, things got dangerous when Carolyn was in the barn one afternoon and heard a swishing sound slicing through the air. Suddenly, a hand scythe appeared

So a cardigan saved her from a sight. From a decapitation. She tripped on a rake and needed an excuse. No.

You know, as they do in the scary movies. Yeah.

But her face was featureless with no eyes or nose, save for a gray mesh of cobwebs over her mouth. She also had no hands and no feet. So what are you scared of? Yeah, yeah, she can't do anything. She's standing up. So instead of walking towards Carolyn and Roger's bed, the apparition hovered forward, filling the room with the smell of rotting flesh. But just before the ghost made contact...

Carolyn yanked the blankets off the bed, hoping to wake her husband, but he seemed to be under some sort of spell that kept him asleep. The ghost, however, quickly disappeared, and Carolyn was terrified to see that her husband was covered in scratches. But the night's horrors were not over. Just before dawn, probably around that 5.15 mark, Carolyn awoke to the sound of the headboard rattling as their bed moved forward.

The room got cold, as it always did during an encounter, and the rotting stench returned. Suddenly, the room was illuminated by torches held by the dead. Eight, maybe ten spirits, filling the room with light. The house, Carolyn said, was humming so loudly that it muffled her screams. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Roger. I mean, Roger's just completely peacefully... Passed out. ...husbandly asleep, just... Thanks for the scratch, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good. It's good. The ghost then began chanting, saying... Beseech thee, leave! Was mistress before ye came, and mistress here will be again. The circle of ghosts were then joined by two ghost children, and the room became thick with an acrid smoke. Beseech thee, leave! Beseech thee, leave!

Was mistress of four, ye came and mistress here will be again. Maybe he'll leave the television on and the next guy will go. She's like frozen in bed. It's like a cavalcade of hundreds of ghosts dance around. Is there a cat on my back? The grotesque apparition from before then appeared again and bared its fangs as it drew closer to Roger. Then it gave him a kiss. I just want to look easy.

Quit flirting with my damn husband. Carolyn then closed her eyes and began praying, which of course, in a Warren-style narrative, ended that night's whole affair.

Now, both Andrea and the Warrens are extremely vague on the details here, but according to both, Carolyn began researching at local libraries for a history of her home and the land on which it was built. Somehow, she came across the story of the infamous Bathsheba Sherman. You know, you don't meet a Bathsheba anymore. You don't? No. I haven't met a Bathsheba in a long time, man. I wonder why. I don't know. Because it makes you sound like a big...

furry hound dog. Yeah, it's difficult. It's not the sexiest name in the world. Name's Bathsheba. Would you like to buy some cigarettes? Actually, I knew your name was Bathsheba. I saw it sewed onto your uniform. If you actually could rotate the tires, that'd be great.

A lot of the customers leave a lot of cigarettes behind in the ashtray. Yeah, it's free. It ain't even finished yet. I get them for free, but I sell them to you for half price. Yeah, well, I look at this and cut off the ends so you can get a freshie. You got a freshie butt. You gonna finish that apple? I'm gonna put it up my ass. Get to the core of me.

Now, according to what Carolyn supposedly found, Bathsheba, born 1812, she became an outcast after her community accused her of killing her baby as a sacrifice to Satan in exchange for being pretty. Oh, you mean what we all do in Los Angeles? Sure. Kill our children to stay pretty. Well, supposedly, the baby's body was found impaled through the skull with a sharp object, but the case was dropped for lack of evidence.

Bathsheba then had four more children, but none lived past the age of four. Or so the story went. Lack of evidence. There's no way to figure out what happened to this baby. Honestly, well, it could anything could happen.

That baby. Oh, God. He was wrong place, wrong time. Better than one Bathsheba, one guilty Bathsheba go free. Yeah, yeah. Seen it once, seen it a thousand times. Let me ask you something. What was the baby wearing? Was it a bunch of knives? Was it a hat with a bunch of knives? Well, rumors also spread that Bathsheba was a sort of Rhode Island Madame LaLaurie, a sadistic torturer of servants.

But like many evil people, Bathsheba lived a long life. And when she finally died at the age of 73, her body supposedly, and this is presented as truth, it turned to stone. Cool. Which was said to be Satan's price for her great beauty. Yeah, what does it matter? She's dead.

Why would that be Satan's price? It's what the fucking story said, dude. I know it's stupid, but it's what they said. If she was turned to stone, we'd be able to find it. Yeah, exactly. It'd still be there. It'd be in the ground. We could dig it up and say, hey, there's Bathsheba. Or at least in a lake. You didn't say... It could have been many stones. Oh, rocks. Sand. Yeah.

Now, after supposedly discovering Bathsheba's identity and trying multiple times to get her to leave on her own, it was said that Bathsheba tried invading Carolyn's body. This was when the Perrons finally called Ed and Lorraine Warren, whom they'd heard of after one of the Warrens' many public speaking engagements. And so the Warrens drove from Connecticut to Rhode Island to investigate the Perron haunting.

Now immediately, Lorraine claimed to sense a dark spirit inside the home that was demonic in nature. It's a lot of clutching. Carolyn then told Lorraine that she'd been physically injured by a spirit in the form of a large bleeding puncture that looked as if she'd been stabbed with a sewing needle. When Lorraine examined the wound, she immediately declared it the work of Bathsheba Sherman. I know that bitch's handiwork. Oh, Bathsheba!

I know what you're doing. You funky woman. According to Lorraine, the puncture shared characteristics with the one that was drilled into Bathsheba's infant son's skull during the aforementioned sacrifice to Satan. All this, according to the Warrens, added up to the Perrons being in great danger of falling under the influence of Bathsheba's demonic power.

This also, this kind of confuses me, though, because according to the Warrens, a ghost is...

is a human spirit that walks the earth. Yeah. But a demon is an inhuman spirit that has never walked the earth as a human. But in this case, Bathsheba is the demonic power. She signed it to pact with the devil, which means her soul then becomes evil. So she dies, soul becomes demon. No, but that's the thing, is that by his definition, the infernal spirit can never have walked the earth as a human. And Bathsheba walked the earth as a human. Yeah.

Yeah, and if you're going to sell your soul to be hot, don't you want to do it before you have a kid? The Conjuring made half a billion dollars. It made a half a billion dollars. How dare we? How dare we try to criticize? You know, all the movies together have made two billion. Wow. To me, this is an extremely wonderful example of what you'd call an ergogora thought form.

is that it starts with some form of light poltergeist activity. They then create the concept of Bathsheba Sherman. They look up this figure. They kind of see, oh, here's a bunch of rumors about it. You then use your brain, essentially creates more and more Bathsheba. Like you are defining Bathsheba. You are filling the borders of Bathsheba with a personality, and you are creating that. And so eventually the phenomena is going to begin to act differently.

Like you are teaching it to act. Now, if Bathsheba was named Janet, would we believe it? Probably. If she was Janet Sherman? Yeah, I might be. I don't think you can haunt. I don't think a Janet can haunt. I don't think a Stephanie haunts. I don't think a Melanie haunts. Ooh, it's...

It's me. The incurable ghost of Allison. We can't go into that house. That's where the ghost of Jennifer lies. No, not Jennifer. From the block.

Well, unfortunately for the Perrons, though, an exorcism was not possible because the Perrons weren't religious enough. Ed basically told them, like, sorry, you're shit out of luck. Yeah. Instead, the Warrens attempted a seance in the cellar where Bathsheba's power was supposedly strongest. And if you'll remember, this was where the climax of The Conjuring took place.

According to Andrea, the night of the seance was terrible, and Carolyn Perrin, bound to a chair, she levitated, spoke in tongues, and was thrown about the room. Now, spoiler alert for The Conjuring here, but at the end of the movie, Ed Warren, played by Patrick Wilson, performs an emergency exorcism to save Carolyn Perrin's soul from Bathsheba Sherman. Even though he's not supposed to. He's not supposed to. And he keeps saying it because he's been like, I'm not allowed to do this exorcism. But...

I guess it's time for me to do this exorcism. And he just like does, he's like, I gotta do it. Yeah. I'm the one giving the book. He goes, go give me the book. Go give me the book. And they bring in the book and he's just reading the book, man. Yeah. Because he doesn't even have the major exorcism book. Yeah. He even talks about that. He only has the minor exorcism book. Yeah. So he's doing the diet exorcism on her in the first place. And the whole thing is that, of course, like,

It's such a fucking cliche. It's almost as bad as the cliche of grief is a metaphor, but it's like, the answer is love. Yeah, the answer is love. It's always love. I fucking hate it, man. Love needs a gun. That's what it needs. Every exorcism movie ends with the ghost being annoyed and leaving. Yeah, yeah. All right, will you stop?

Stop telling me to leave. You know, you're right. It's time for me to go home. Every single ghost movie. You actually be thinking about it. This all sucks. You yelling at me sucks. To be honest. Stop reading the Bible.

I hate it. You brought me here. You made me be a part of this. You did the whole, the lake of initiation, whatever that guy says. You did. I'm here. I just want to go. Hold on. I can go back to hell. That's my home. I didn't know it was an option. That's where my shit is. That's where my life is. I'm not going if it's a middle seat. This is work for me.

Like I said, yeah, big climax at the end of The Conjuring. Patrick Wilson playing Ed Warren performs the exorcism. They save Carolyn. She has a tearful reunion with her daughters and everything's fucking hunky-dory. Ron Livingston's happy again. Everything's great.

But in reality, after the seance in the basement, Roger Perrin threw Ed and Lorraine out of his house, never to return, because he was worried about his wife's mental stability. And getting thrown out would actually become a common theme for Ed and Lorraine Warren during many cases throughout their career.

That's how they know they're done. Yeah, because she was probably going crazy and they were egging her on. Yeah, making it so much worse. We've covered many different exorcism stories. And what seems to always be the main stripe that runs through it is a... Especially if it's a child...

It's parents that are overly religious that have now they have kind of created this reality that is sort of supporting itself. They think they're hyper religious. They think that they are feeding into a thing that is making their parents happy. You are showing essentially you acting like you are possessed, but the devil is there for proof of God. Right. That's kind of like why you're doing it.

But it always seems to end in these kids getting fucked up. Yeah, but this is a totally different story, though. This is a grown woman who's supposedly possessed by the ghost of an old witch. Yeah. Very strange. Very strange. And now we see that everywhere. I'm sorry. If my wife is going to get possessed, though, I'd want it to be by a hot witch. That would be cool. Yeah, sexy witch. Yeah, it's better than a child. It's better than a child.

Can I just say this? All right. This is just like no one's listening. This is just between the three of us. Three of us. Okay. If our wives got possessed by a sex crazed demon, right? That was, yeah, obviously same rough stuff, same bad stuff, but also just like craziest, like they're super horny about it. Would you even go to get them exercised or be like, this is kind of nice. You're going to get tired. Yeah. That's the thing where I like, if I was like 23, like,

Like, that would be like fucking, yeah, sign me up, bro. But at 41, I'm getting tired. Yeah. I think I'd go on a vacation together. Like, we'd go have like a bank, a Hawaii bank session. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go down to Mexico. And then call Ed. Yeah. I'm like, all right. This has been fun. I am empty. I am empty. I've eaten too much vomit for one weekend. There's only so many bananas to keep this thing going.

Or rather than a dramatic basement exorcism and a tearful recovery scene from actress Lily Taylor, the Perrin family just lived with whatever it was that they were dealing with in that house for another 10 years because they couldn't afford to move. But they did say they recorded activity for a long time. Yeah, but

finally leave they did in 1980 for a relocation to Georgia, thus ending their tale. And obviously we know the devil doesn't like Georgia because how often he loses competitions. Oh my God. He hates it. He's going there. Your pretty face is going to hell. We did a whole thing on that. Yeah. You can go find that somewhere. I don't know. You can download it on iTunes.

Is that on Macs anymore? Available on iTunes? Yeah, it's all gone. It's stripped our entire body of work from the internet. Oh, interesting. It's on AdultSwim.com if you have a cable subscription, which is also a thing I've never particularly understood, but it's also, you can just buy it straight up on iTunes. Or if you see me, I'll tell you. You can probably get it on Amazon, right? Yeah. Yeah, you can get it on Amazon. And what show is this? Ha ha ha!

It was called A to Z. Yeah. It was A to Z. They just changed the name. I just got a $35 fucking residual from A to Z. Who's watching it? I have no idea. People are still watching it? Yeah, I guess. I don't know.

Now, after The Conjuring was released and it was strongly implied at both the beginning and end of the movie that the story of the Warrens and the parents was a true story through and through, a writer named Jamie Rubio decided to look into the real story behind Bathsheba Sherman, who was very much a real person.

Now, the movie claimed that Bathsheba was a witch who worshipped the devil, sacrificed her child, and hung herself from a tree in the backyard of the Perron home. Cool lady. Yeah. With each successive mother who moved into that home, Bathsheba possesses them and makes them kill their own child. And you've heard it once before. You'll hear it again. It's always like this. Yeah.

None of this is, of course, true. Instead, Bathsheba Sherman seemed to be a perfectly normal person who married in her 30s, had four children, then died of a stroke. She just had a scary name. She was a real person. Yeah, she's a lady. Yeah, the multitude of dead children angle was actually true, but that was just the time and place for high infant mortality. And one of her kids did outlive her. Have you heard about snipper snappers?

Snipper snappers. Yeah, sometimes actually if a woman's vagina is so crazy tight. Yeah, if it's a big snapper. Yeah, what it'll do, it'll snap the baby's arms and legs and heads off. Wow. Yeah, that's actually like, it's been a big deal. Much more common in the 19th century. Crazy common. And honestly, it's coming back.

Because snipper snappers are some, there's a whole procedure they're doing now to get your snip snapped. You get your snap snipped by making it, you get a snapper snitcher. It's a snapper cincher. Or a stitcher. You get your snapper cinch so we can snap. Yeah, so you can snip. So you can snip snap. Yeah, you get your snapper cinch so we can snap.

I'll look into it. Thank you. Honestly, I'm doing a whole charity drive for it. It's called Give Henry Money. It's HenryZabrowskiGetsMoney.com. Well, there are no records that Bathsheba died after hanging herself from a tree, that she sacrificed anyone to the devil, or that anyone in the community accused her of such. In fact, Bathsheba was buried in her family grave plot, and she was given a full Christian burial. The only legacy she had was actually quite

She requested upon her death that her estate be used to educate her grandson. In other words, Bathsheba Sherman has become a boogie woman for millions of people for no reason whatsoever. But if people were talking shit on you, would you not come back as a ghost? No.

If they were like, all these people in this room, if let's say you still exist, totally normal woman ghost, hanging out in your former home, you're listening to them all say this whacked out shit about your Snip Snapper and what it's doing to all these kids, and then you're like, oh, well, if you want Miss Snip Snapper, she's coming now, and I'm going to fucking call Beetlejuice.

Do you think she was just like super smoking hot and like walking around with low cut shirts and shit and all the husbands were like looking at her? That's how I see it. That's how the wives got together and they're like, yeah, we got to fucking make Bathsheba a fucking demon. I think that this actually, this was all just done. There was nothing. There was nothing. None of this research happened. She didn't find any of that. Yeah, she didn't find, she found the name Bathsheba Sherman. And then built it all. She built it all the rest of her stuff. Yeah. What's more. In her delusion in the very end. Because Laura Sherman wasn't scary. Yeah. Well,

What's more is that Bathsheba Sherman never even lived on the property where the Perrons lived, which was called the Arnold Estate. Where'd she live? The Sherman Estate. Ah. Yeah. Yeah, which is next to the Arnold Estate. Next to the Arnold Estate. Furthermore, while there were some murders and suicides in this area of Rhode Island, they happened in every estate...

around the property where the parents live. Don't shit where you eat! Exactly! Just kill them over there! They took care of that in the Conjuring movie, where it's like, right before she died, she cursed anyone who would take her land. And then when they apportioned her land after her death, other people died around her. People who took her land! And, uh...

I mean, a lot of those old deeds aren't even reliable. No, they're really not. The only person to actually die in the Arnold estate was a guy who died from exposure after he passed out next to a tree after getting too drunk at the local tavern. What a way to go. Hey, that's a cool way to do it, man. I fucking sleepy time nap to death. That's the goal. I almost died like that.

Really? Just got too hammered and slept outside? In Brooklyn, yeah. How do you die of exposure if you're sleeping next to a tree? No, it wasn't next to a tree. It was in a snow bank. Oh, yeah. That's bad. Yeah, I was super hammered and decided to look up at the sky for a second and lay in the snow and just be like, oh, this is great. This is so fucking cool, man. I was really high, really drunk, and then woke up an hour later. Wow. And man, I very well could have just fucking frozen to death outside, died of exposure that night. Damn.

Really sad story. Yeah. But at the same time, you made it. I mean, yeah. I mean, could you imagine dying on Hemrod Street? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're going to die. That's where you do it. Good old New York.

See, they're corpse to the streets. But what's so interesting about The Conjuring and its sequel is that while the Warrens are portrayed as having played central roles in each story, they actually had very little to do with either one. And in one case, they were only involved for a single day. We'll get in the why later. But really, the big Warren cases were Annabelle the doll and most famously...

The Amityville Horror. And it's with those cases, the real stories behind them, and the Warrens' involvement that we'll return next week with part two. I am so excited. This has been great. All right. This is a true... They have done enough dumb shit to be funny.

And they're bad people. And it's interesting the way they insert themselves and the more, it's just so funny, the longer it goes on, the dumber the stories get. They do. They increase in ridiculousness, but also, I do think there's important lessons about media and how you are betrayed.

on the media and how if you are a public person, you put your, you're supposed to put yourself in the place where the stories are going to happen. Yeah. And so that's what these guys were truly the experts at, at being the Forrest Gumps of paranormal activity. Yeah.

It doesn't seem like they did anything that bad. Wait. Wait. Yeah? Yeah, wait. It's a lot of, we'll get there. If they were charging the families, I would be mad. It gets worse as it goes. Wait for the story about he groomed a 15-year-old girl, allegedly. So we'll get into that. Even I was saying she needed a haircut, but he didn't need to go that far.

So let's go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left. You can see our bodies. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Groomer. You remember that was an old bit I did. Yes. I did that bit. No one liked it. No one liked it. Actually, people on it said they felt that it was impossible. Julie hated it too. Yeah. Everyone did. I ran it by everyone. My whole family. That's fine.

Follow us on TikTok and Instagram. And LP on the left. Help China fucking win the intelligence war. Go to twitch.tv slash LP and TV to see all of our streams. Good puts coming back. We're going to have a podcast as well, which we're about to release, which I'm very excited for in a couple weeks. You're ready to come see us on tour. You want to go to lastpodcastontheleft.com. Now, we're about to. Right now, we have already performed a sold-out show in Denver. And, man, we're going to be there.

We were fantastic. Weren't we? Yeah. You're going to see it. We're coming to your fucking town. Each show is going to be a little bit different. We're going to be fucking around. We're going to have a good time. I can't wait to do this show. Yeah, we got Seattle in June. Yes. DC in July. DC. Australia, New Zealand. Australia, come and see it. Also, again, we're promising you, we're going to get you that live stream. We're working it out now. Yeah.

That's what I got. Yeah, and don't forget, we're also going to be coming to London in October, and we're going to be doing a show in Reykjavik. And I'm telling you, you fucking Icelanders, I got steak in the country. I'm part owner of the Reykjavik grapevine. This is the William Randolph Hearst of Iceland, and you're going to not disappoint him. I know Iceland. Because he will change the way they cover the news. We will do it.

form your way and we will put so much misinformation in there. Your whole fucking shit's going to fall apart. He's making me co-editor. Yeah, you're not going to know which restaurant reviews are true or not. I'm going to fucking say, oh, go eat at Bernie's but Bernie's sucks.

You're not going to know whether that new take on the Icelandic hot dog with the curry is any good. You're not going to know. You're not going to know. You're going to have to go yourself the old-fashioned way. We used to fight out the weather. We stick our heads out the goddamn window. Yeah, but I can't wait to come see Iceland. I love you so much. We really can't wait. I can't wait to go to Iceland. I've never been to Reykjavik, so I'm very excited. I want to see this shit so fucking bad. Listen to the brighter side, folks. I'm doing it with Amber Nelson twice a week. Get into it. Yep. You better.

All right. Hail Satan. Again. Hail Annabelle. Don't. I like her. She's bad. She's cool. She's a bad girl. She's a movie star. She's big time. She's a bad girl. She's got three fucking movies. She's mean. Origins was okay. I liked Origins the best. It was the best one. It was the best one. Yeah.

I've seen every one of the films. So have I. I haven't seen None 2. It's not good. All of the None, both of the None movies are fucking awful. But I like the woman who plays the Nun. Yeah. But I don't like the film. What are you going to do? I just am going to have to, really, I'm going to have to change. See none of it. Yeah. Goodbye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.

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