MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (NIGHT ONE) - JOE ROGAN + SHANE GILLIS
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. This is an ad for BetterHelp. Welcome to the world. Please, read your personal owner's manual thoroughly. In it, you'll find simple instructions for how to interact with your fellow human beings and how to find happiness and peace of mind. Thank you, and have a nice life. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with an owner's manual. That's why there's BetterHelp Online Therapy. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelpOnlineTherapy.com

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Who's ready for the best fucking two nights of their lives? Fuck yes, Madison Square Garden! Oh shit! This is Brian Redden, ladies and gentlemen. We started this show in front of 15 human beings with four sign-ups in the belly room of the Comedy Store, and now we are here live from Madison Square Garden.

Unbelievable. How about one more time for Jelly Roll, ladies and gentlemen? And let's keep it going, the best damn band in the land, Grooveline Horns, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, the return of Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson, Nicholas Rothaus on percussion, and our drummer, the great Michael Gonzalez, joining the band tonight.

One of the top young rising musicians in the world, Marcus King! Our guitarist, Matt Muehling. The band leader, John Dees. And his first time in New York City, ladies and gentlemen, that's Dee Madness! You're facing the wrong way, Dee, for the love of God, you gotta be kidding me! I don't know if they plan these things, but sometimes the comedy just flies.

Facing John D, soaking it all in. We have a lot of amazing show for you. This is a very special night. And before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Madison Square Garden.

This is a show based in Austin, Texas. So while I have a lot of great New Yorkers scattered throughout the show, my two guests live with us in Austin, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, introducing first, make some noise for one of the best comedians in the world. This is Shane Gillis.

Shane is back. And why don't we keep that energy going for the great and powerful Joe Rogan. Oh yeah. Madison Square Garden is on its motherfucking feet. The place is a ruckus.

This is so insane.

I think I was on episode seven. What episode was I on? What was the first one I did? It was a long time ago. There was no one there. It was in the little room at the ice house. Yes! It was in the tiny room of the ice house. Oh my God, there's 20 people in that crowd. It's unbelievable. Now here we are. It's so much fun. So exciting. Joe's new special just came out on Netflix on Saturday night.

Shane Gillis, been working in the writer's room for Tire season two. Nice enough to join us. So great to have you guys. You guys know how the show works. I have a bucket filled with hundreds and hundreds of names. It's never been this thick before. I didn't get an actual number. Where are the comedians at? Make some noise.

They're over there. There's sign-ups scattered throughout the audience. There's people all over the fucking place that signed up. You know how it works. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Listen to that little tiny kitten. Play it again, Red Band. Adorable. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear.

Wow, very powerful bear. A tiny little cat and a massive fucking New York bear. I don't know what the gay part of New York City is, but I'm sure I'll find out by the end of the night. We're just calling it the West Hollywood Bear. So that's how it works. I'm going to pre-pool a name for bucket pool number one. We're going to wrangle them from over there.

And while that happens, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce a brand new, very special Madison Square Garden part of the show that has never been done before in the history of the show. This is a Legends bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Oh yeah. And out of this bucket, I pull, ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy who, like us, started at the Comedy Store.

A man who, like us, but not like us, was the first ever comedian ever in the world to sell out Madison Square Garden. Gracing us with a set, live, here, I present to you the heavyweight king of comedy, this is Andrew Dice Clark!

Subway violence, city bikes, zombies in the streets smoking crack pipes, pizza, bagels, and summertime titty. I wouldn't want to be nowhere else. This is New York fucking city. Oh! Madison Square fucking Garden, how the fuck are you?

And I see they took your phones, you rolled Jones in, you can't get enough of your phone all fucking day looking down. I got a text earlier today from my friend Joe, he goes, "What are you doing?" So I say, "I'm going to Subway for a turkey sandwich." All of a sudden I get another text, "Joe liked you getting a turkey sandwich." What the fuck would I care what he likes?

I mean, what kind of world if we turned into Facebook? Everybody wants to be connected. Why? Because Zuckerberg's shade, who's living on his own private fucking island, and you're all connected. Let me tell you something. We hate each other. We don't want to be together.

I got a DM, 'cause you can't even get rid of anybody today. I get a DM from a girl I went with when I was 17. She be like, "I heard you're doing really good." So I wrote back, "I heard you was dead." I hoped you were dead, 'cause you were no good fucking whore.

Yeah, we don't want to be connected. You know how it feels when you get in the elevator, right? And there's nobody there. Greatest feeling in the world. And then here comes somebody running down the hall. Can you hold that? We all do the same thing, right? We're hitting the, yeah, and you're hitting the close button. Yeah, come on in. Yeah, go ahead. And then right before the door closes, we all do the same thing.

And you grab the door, fuck you, who the fuck are you to me? Living on the same floor for eight years, never said hello. This is a great fucking car, how you doing honey? Remind me to pinch your tits after the show. Yeah, you could DM me any fucking time you want with those big fucking pig tits. Very nice. See, that's why I don't understand why there was ever a Me Too.

You know what I mean? Chicks are crazier today than they ever were your whole fucking life. Think about it. You know, like today women hardly even wear makeup. You know, all that jewelry is down here in the pink lip lagoon that when they take their jeans off you could go blind from diamonds, rubies. They got a string of pearls hanging out of their asshole three blocks long.

You could go down on a chick during this recession and come up a wealthy fucking guy. Look, I've been around for a while. 40 years ago, 40 years ago, when you told the chick to get on top, here would come a slow moving fucking leg, nearly breaking your hip with her kneecap. And then she would just lay there like she's waiting for a fucking bus. Today, when a chick gets on top, she knows.

They stand over you. They look down at you with disgust and disdain. And they don't just sit on your cock. They squat down like a dog taking a dump in the fucking park. With those big fucking horse tits banging in your face and that big fat ass banging your balls till they're black and blue. I mean, how do you think Tempur-Pedic became the number one bed in the world?

And then you take a picture of your balls, right? And you just put it on the internet and you become a superstar. Like this, uh, like the Huck Toohey girl. You got to spit on that thing. And then, you know where I take it? I take it that she comes home, you know, to her parents who remember her reveal party with the little pink smoker. Oh, it's gonna be a little girl.

And there she is five years old with her little pink dress and ten years old in the jumper and sweet fucking sixteen and then eighteen and then here she comes home from college at twenty-one with a degree in sucking dick. And her father's going, "I want you to get a job at Starbucks." And she's like,

I make 75k a week on OnlyFans. You gotta work at fucking Starbucks, Pop. Do you understand? This girl has every deal worth. She's got a three-picture deal at Paramount, her own reality show. She's got the Hak Tui hot sauce. She's got her own... She sells more merch, and her network is more than everybody on our fucking panel tonight.

But what bothers me about the whole thing is, what bothers me about the whole thing is, you know, it was too quick, the little "puh." That's like a piece of paper you're spitting out of your mouth. Let me tell you something. When a girl could hock a loogie from across the room and hit the tip of your dick like a sniper,

When she could stand over you and drizzle her spit all over your cock and balls like it's a hot fudge sundae and then you choke fucking her as she's looking at you and the mascara's fucking falling and then with the and drooling like a fucking Saint Bernard with the spit dripping out of her mouth down her chin off your dick

making your fucking wooden floors fucking bubble, then I say you deserve a movie deal. And only then. Huck Tooie. But this is the thing that I'm trying to get across. Tonight, Tony is gonna pick some names out of a hat that might be in the back or some jerk or sitting in the crowd out there. But before...

before you decide to be a road warrior, listen to me, take a little friendly advice from Dicey Dice, twice as nice, before you decide to catch all those flights around the country, the flights that are delayed, the flights where you sit on the tarmac for three hours in the middle seat next to some asshole,

with a backwards baseball cap and his laptop and his Spider-Man fucking backpack. And you got some seven-year-old behind you kicking your fucking sleep while you're trying to sleep. And three hours into waiting on the tarmac, they go, "Oh, the flight is canceled."

Because the pilot's too fucking drunk, now you gotta catch a fucking ride, get a rent a Camry, an old fucking Camry that smells like piss with balding tires and drive from fucking LA to Reno with a fucking chain knife that you don't get mugged by a fucking motorcycle gang in the middle of the fucking desert.

And then you finally wind up ten hours later at the Holiday Inn Express where you sit in a fucking chair to sleep because you don't want to get the bed bugs. And then you come down in the morning for the free buffet that all the slobs in the hotel already coughed and sneezed on these old crusty fucking eggs. And now you're in a liquor room that they converted into your fucking dressing room.

with mice running around, and then you go out and you give it your all for 15 fucking drunk people. And if you're a girl comic, there's gonna be at least one guy going, "Show us your tits!" And then when you come back in the dressing room after you show, here comes the waitress going, "I got your chicken fingers already, and guess what we just got in? The Hock Tooie hot sauce!"

So before you decide to do that girls, why don't you just take yourself to the neighborhood laundromat, hop up on a warm fucking dryer, pull your legs all the way back and queef to the Star Spangled Banner as you squirt like a super soaker into the face of some poor fucking guy folding his underwear.

Boom! Super stardom. In a month, you'll be sitting on the panel with Gil Tony right next to fucking Tony. You've been a great crowd. Enjoy the show. God bless. Good night. One of the greatest comedians of all time, Andrew Dice. Clay, ladies and gentlemen. You can do better than that. Make some fucking noise for Dice.

What a way to get the show started. Now, believe it or not, a poor soul has to do 60 seconds after that.

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Freshly made ravioli or hand-pulled ramen noodles. When you dine with Chase Sapphire Reserve, either will be amazing because it's the choice between a front row seat at the chef's table while getting a live demo of how to make ravioli or dining family style as you hear the story behind your ramen broth. This weekend, it's ravioli. Next weekend, ramen.

We go to the actual bucket. Make some noise for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Now to the bucket we go. We're going to meet a human. This could be their first time ever doing stand up. It's definitely guaranteed their first time performing in Madison Square Garden. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Corey Albert, ladies and gentlemen. And here we go.

Corey Albert is first out of the bucket on kill Tony 60 seconds Holy shit Madison Square Garden what the fuck's up? Yeah, alright guys. I am recently single I just got into a breakup, so I'm dating again, which fucking sucks Dating nowadays is the worst in history. I say it's harder to date now than it was during the Holocaust

At least when you dated during the Holocaust, it was real easy to get a girl's number. Is that a three? Two? Fuck it, let's go back to my place and shower. It also sucks 'cause I no longer get blow jobs, and those are my favorite thing. I still remember my first blow job, and the only reason I remember it is because of the day. It was a day I could never forget. September 11, 2001.

Fifth grade under the bleachers. I think this chick had some sort of fixation on tragedy because she was twice as horny. She grabbed my head, pushed me down first and said, "The towers aren't the only thing going down." And that's still the sexiest thing I've ever heard to this day. And then she went down. And I don't know how long she was there for, but I think we already invaded Iraq. Wow, exactly 60 seconds from Corey Albert covering some of the great tragedies in the history of civilization.

All in 60 seconds. Corey, grab that microphone. You're here. You're in it right now. - I know, man. - How do you feel, Corey? Dude, I fucking had no idea. This is crazy. I can see you freaking out when you're moving away from the logo.

I don't want to dirty it, you know? I know, I know. You're freaking out, bro. You did a good job, though. You hung in there. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Holocaust at 9-11 while shaking visibly. Yeah, I mean, you have to have some dangerous premises. You have me up after dice. I mean... Right, right. True. That's crazy. How weird is this experience? What was that? How weird is this experience? Dude, it's... Like, I've never seen this many people in front of me before. Yeah.

Sounds about right. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Corey? Since 2019, so depending if you count COVID, I guess almost six years. What do you do for a living? I work IT for a school. For a school? Yep. Okay. Well, that's done. I'm gone. Definitely done. They definitely didn't teach you how to count. I love it. And...

What do you do for fun? Tell us more about your actual life, Corey. You live here in New York City? I live in Connecticut over by Mohegan. I know you hate Connecticut. I know. I do too. I like Connecticut people. But it's a fake state. It is a fake state. It's a highway. I agree. It's a highway between Boston and New York. Sorry. One of my best friends lives in Connecticut. Lives on a highway. It's not a real state. What do you do for fun out in Connecticut?

I mean, I work on my car, I... There's nothing to do there. Why are you asking him questions? Drink a lot. It's a fake state.

Watch Joe Rogan's podcast. You work on your car. What kind of car do you have, Corey? I have a Mustang. I know I'm going to get hate for that. Wow. Look at you. I know. I know. You goddamn communist. I know. Who the fuck hates a Mustang? No, it's a car. New York City hates car owners. That's what it is. Hey, take a train like I do.

I love it. What year is your Mustang? 2010. 2010. Oh, no, that's a shitty year for a Mustang. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's shitty. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's why you're working on it all the time. I built it, pretty much. If you hung in there two more years, you'd have been okay. What's your love life like? You talked a lot about dating and bullshit. Oh, man, it's not good. You know, I've been cheating on with gay men, stabbed. Yeah, it's been real good.

You've been cheated on with gay men. Yeah, she left for a gay guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, finish that sentence. Yeah, yeah. She... I was like, by who? Like, it's the worst things you could envision. I've probably lived it. She left for a... He's not gay, though. He is. He has a grinder. What? He has a grinder. A grinder. One of my gay friends found it. Maybe he's just a whore. Maybe he's just a gay whore, but he doesn't do gay stuff otherwise. Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe he doesn't like it, but he's willing to do it for money. Does that make you feel better about her breaking up with you? I mean, once I found out he was a Noah Kahan fan, it made me feel better. Most interesting thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life, Corey? I mean, aside from this, I went to Niagara Falls, did some shows in Canada, which was really fun because I've never really been to Canada other than when I was like 13. Performing at Niagara Falls is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to you in your life? Yeah!

I don't live an exciting life, man. We grew up skateboarding. This shit ain't fucking that exciting.

Yes, you are correct. You do not have an exciting life. I can confirm that. But I'll tell you what. You were the first bucket pool tonight. You have special bonsai handmade leather joke books with a Statue of Liberty with a skull on them. And you got one, buddy. Thanks so much, guys. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night, Corey Albert. And the show has completely begun. We are in full effect. And now...

Coming off of talking about Niagara Falls in Canada, I'm going to bring up a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen, who is from Toronto, Canada. You're about to witness the most monumental moment of his life. We haven't seen him in a while. He's been very excited about this. This is a brand new minute. Jared Nathan! Wow!

Here he comes. And here we go. If you can't tell by looking at my face, I'm a huge wrestling fan. Finally, Jared Nevis and Madison Square Garden have the match. I was on the subway last night. I heard the...

announcement if you say something every time i say something it'll be too late bitch bitch raw bitch having a stutter is a blessing and a curse the good thing is telemarketers hang up on me my thing is order chinese food

It's fucking impossible! Broccoli! F*ck joy! Don't forget the f*cking cookie you ch*ck! Oh my goodness, I was with you until the end. Wow.

Really put a little ribbon on it there at the end. Oh my goodness gracious. Four balls of fire! What? Four balls of fire. There you go. Absolutely. Four balls of fire. Four balls of fire. What the fuck song is, man? Jared, that was a fucking great set. Let's talk about it. Very solid, Jared. Very solid.

That was very funny, dude. Really funny. Thank you! Truly an insane, insane dismount, but who are we to judge on that? Yeah. You know, I'm not judging. You keep using the... Dismounting shot himself in the shin. Yeah. You keep using words like that, you might end up on panel someday. You know? Whatever you just said, I'm sure it makes sense. All right.

Most of the set was interrupted by Shane asking me what your condition is. Well, I gotta be honest, and this is coming from a guy who gets this a lot. Do you have Down syndrome? I am not your cousin, Danny. But you do love grilled cheese, don't you? I love grilled cheese! I love grilled cheese!

Jared and hot dog Nathan. Oh, yeah. Shout out hot dogs. Just make sure hot dogs didn't get disrespected. The hot dogs. Had to get the hot dogs in there. Had to. You don't want the hot dogs mad at you. I love it. Jared, you've never done a show this big before in your life. How do you feel being here in New York City at the Mecca, the most famous arena in the world, Madison Square Garden?

Feel fucking amazing, Tony! You must be confused because it's neither a square nor a garden. Probably not what you expected at all. I can't find a fucking rose anywhere. That's right. Absolutely not a rose to be found. So what's going on in your life, Jared, since the last time we saw you? Living life, Tony. I have...

I have an album on SiriusXM. I'm doing shows all over. No better time to have an album on SiriusXM than right now. Tony, I don't know if you know this. I just learned that he is now roommates with that little crab guy, Ricky. What's his name? Ricky Burlick. He's a very famous... They're not roommates. They're...

We just do videos together. Why would you bring that up? Because it's pretty crazy if you find out. Super crazy. I have no idea who the fuck you're talking about. We're at Madison Square Garden right now. I know. Hey, I don't know if you know who his roommate is, Tony. I get this a lot, but are you fucking retarded, dude? Jesus Christ. He's a celebrity. He's...

He's amazing. Thank you, Red Band. I was wondering how long it would take for you to be absolutely moronic. Okay, put your microphone down. Very good. Hey, Jared. Hello, Tony. How's it going? Great. Fantastic. Anything else you want to say or anything else? One thing. I do one thing? Yeah. I love you. You brought a lunchbox up here. I brought a lunchbox. Okay. Sorry.

Here it is. What's he gonna pull out? No, don't eat that. Whatever that is. No, no, no. Jared, what are you doing? What the fuck is that, Jared? Okay, Jared, you're alive right now. Why would you eat a jujubee, dude? I look like one of the ants, motherfucker! Tony! I just want to possess something to you. You're a huge furry kid. You open up

Oh, wow.

I was sent with the face, so. Amazing. Can I get this to you? Yeah. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. Tony Hensliff! Hard R Award! Hard R Award. Yes! Thank you, Jared. Thank you, Tony! I'm going to remind people that I won this. Thank you! Make some noise for Jared Nathan, ladies and gentlemen. Jared, throw that mic in the middle of the red circle, would you? How about one more time for Jared Nathan, ladies and gentlemen? Thank you.

We're going back to a real bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna meet somebody all together now. Again, very crazy high pressure situation for a normal comedian to do a venue like this. And let's see what happens. 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to Alex Filkov. Alex Filkov is next on Kill Tony.

Here he comes everybody. Make some noise for Alex everyone. New York, how we feeling? Let's go baby, I'm so happy to be here. Came here from Philly man. Hey there you go. Nah, nah, nah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Chill, chill, chill. Yo, this morning, right? This morning I came here man. I got a haircut. That's the first thing I did, right?

I went to the shop, I sat down and I realized something, you know? I realized that being a barber is a lot harder than it looks, right? Because how do you gently stroke someone's hair and not fall in love?

I'm playing. Right, right, right. No, no, listen, listen. It's 'cause I went to a fancy salon, right? Fancy salon. This girl, she sat me down, right? She sat me down. She did everything. She washed my hair. I was like, "Whoa, I don't got the money for that. Come on now." You went back to the-- Damn, all right, bro. Y'all messing with-- Y'all messing with-- All right, bro.

Oh shit, here we go. And it has begun. The dark side of Kill Tony is amongst us. That's crazy. It is crazy, isn't it? Alex, how long have you been-- Shane? Go birds. Alex, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I've been attempting for like nine months. -Nine months? -Yeah. Where do you live? Where'd you start? So I live in Philly, I do. I think I chose the wrong joke. Uh-huh, yeah.

Shout out Joel Embiid. Let's get it, boy. We're witnessing a heel turn from Shane Gillis right now. Okay, so you live in Philly. How's it going for you there? Are you funny there? I hope so. You know, I try. Are you like the boo guy there? You got booed. No, no, never boos. Never. Never boos. Only here at Madison Square Garden. Oh, yeah. It's the first time for everything.

So nine months attempting stand-up comedies. Stick with me, Alex. It's okay. Just ignore them. What do you do for a living? So I go to college. Uh-huh. How old are you? Boo. Hold up. What kind of college? What kind of college? Four-year. Uh-huh. What's the school? They hate four-year colleges. Do you have a car? I do have a car. What kind of car? You have a car? Boo.

I drive a BMW. Oh my god, I feel like it's just gonna keep getting worse and worse. What are you trying to get your degree in? Business.

Nice goal! Nice goal! Okay, here's your chance for redemption. Right now, in this moment, you've got nothing but booze. They seem to keep getting bigger and bigger. Tell us, focus. What is the most likable thing about you? How can you win over this crowd in New York City? Give us a fun fact about you that will make them all love you right now. I played hockey in high school. All right, I'm going to give you one more chance.

Lean into it dude, you're getting booed at the garden, that's actually pretty sick. I'm going into it bro, that's what I'm here for bro, come on. You came here to get booed at the garden. If it works, it works bro, attention is publicity. Oh that now, boo! Now I'm booing you, boo! Oh my god. That's just bad theory. Yeah, that's what Pang Dang thought.

Okay, what do you think is, I gave you a lot of shots here, what do you think is the most unlikable thing about you? Before I let you go. - Well apparently my personality. - I love this fucking crowd tonight. You guys are funny. Holy shit, that was good. They cheered on the fact that you suck. Well, we got little joke books for a reason, Alex.

This is for you, buddy. It's gonna be a long drive home in that Beemer tonight. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, you live or die by the sword. This is Kill Tony. Kill or be killed. And that was Alex Filkov. Alex, get the fuck out of here. Stop fucking... You know what I found out about fur coats? They're hot. They give you comfort when people are eating shit. It's like, ah, I'm just... Love it. ...cozyness here.

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Oh my God.

You know, New York has a lot of iconic comedians. A lot of them I consider to be like big brothers to me. This is truly, if you've ever seen them before, you know, one of all of your favorite comedians, one of their favorite comedians, one of my favorite comedians, one of my great friends. Let's make some noise for multiple time Kill Tony guest and one of the all-time best in the world working today. This is Big Tony.

Wow. Tony, this is impressive, dude. How about a round of applause one more time for Alex, who was just up here. Come on. Come on! That poor son of a bitch was doomed to fail. He followed a handicapped guy's amazing speech. "Before I go, handicap can do anything!" And then that guy came up here with his beautiful working face and body.

You hated him from the get-go. It's okay, I'm having a rough week. I found out for the first time my 21-year-old daughter is dating and she's 5'11", so I was like, "Black dude, right?" And then she goes, "Well, he's half black." And I was like, "Ah." And then she went, "He's half Hispanic." And I went, "Both? I'm processing it. It's fine. I'm sure he's a good dude and I'll have some fun new bits about my black son-in-law. Also, a black grandchild would be a nice look for me if I'm being completely honest.

I get called racist a lot because of comedy, so a black grandchild would be a nice look for me. I hope it's a boy with a strong black name like Germ Anthony. And then all my headshots are gonna be me just cornrowing his hair. Take pictures in our Jordans together. I'm gonna throw Mal Upes Germ Anthony, hup! Thanks, pop-pop. So she's dating black dudes, who gives a shit? It's better than the alternative. My friend told me, don't worry about who your daughter dates. She'll be fine because girls always look for a guy that reminds them of their father.

I go, "I hope that's not true. I like to finger girls' assholes when they suck my dick. I don't want that for my baby. For my sweet angel? No. That was fine for her pig mother, but that was different. I can get two in there too. She was loose as a goose. Her farts never made noise, but not my angel. Plus, you ever see how long black dude fingers are? No way, Jose. Fuck that. You're gonna scratch her trachea through her asshole. Back off, Arsenio. He's gotta pull it out like this. Sorry, Mr. O. I don't wanna meet like this.

New York. Fucking Tony Hinchcliffe. Thank you so much for letting me be even a small part of this, dude. Thank you. It means so much to me. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm proud of you, man. Truly one of the best comedians working today. Gracing us with his presence. How loud can this place get for the great Big Jay Oakerson? Thank you, guys. So awesome. Thank you, Big Jay. The fucking man. Thank you, brother. Alright. Now somebody's gotta fall

Out of the bucket, section 226, row four. This is the Kill Tony debut. Ladies and gentlemen, pull number three, Tyler Matthews. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Tyler Matthews. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. If you don't know what they are, don't worry. I have a brochure.

If you think bombing on stage is bad, imagine bombing every single door you knocked on. So what's the deal with birthdays, am I right? It was confusing. My time as a Jehovah's Witness, I was confused all the time, but when I got out, I was never confused ever again. Until I joined the military. Who gets tricked by those two groups, am I right?

People will think that I'm a pilot because I was in the Air Force. I get to see the respect go away from their face after I tell them I was in the UPS of the Air Force. God bless you all. Thank you so much. Tyler Matthews. Welcome to the show, Tyler. You live here in New York? Yes, sir.

- From Brooklyn? - Yep. - Absolutely. Born and raised? - No. - Where are you originally from? - Originally from Indiana. - Ooh, terrible. Congratulations on getting out of there. What do you do for a living?

- Right now I'm an office manager at a law firm. - Okay, how long you been doing standup? - About eight years. - Eight years. You have any special skills or talents? - I can make balloon animals. - Did you bring any balloons with you? - No. - Oh, terrible. Absolutely horrendous. We've never had balloon animals on this show before. We would have found a real talent from you. That's the sound of not having balloon animals.

Tyler, very, very interesting. Here, face the crowd. What were you thinking today when you put on that doctor's cloak? You always do that? Do you wear a shirt? It's like business casual. No, for real. No jokes. Why were you wearing that? Yeah, what fucking business is that casual in? What business are you in, man?

We're a hospitality law firm. Are you on any kind of medication you want to tell us about? No, no. Nothing? Nothing. Really? How many times did you get vaccinated? Three. Yep, there it is. There it is. Got it. The guy in the cowboy hat's cracking up right now. Just like, three more times than me. I love it. Hell yeah, buddy. Tyler, what's your love life like?

I'm looking for love, you know? Last date you went on, when was that? Um, last week. Ooh, what was his name? Come on, folks. MSG, let's go, that's the type of jokes. One of the best in the world, Shane Gillis. So was it a first-time date last week or someone you've been seeing? Someone I've been seeing. Yeah? We're friends.

Is that her decision or yours? That's her decision. Did you wear that shirt? Did a rat pilot your every movement? So, like, where'd you go on this date? Um, we just smoked in our car and went by the park.

You smoked in a car and went by the park? Yeah. Not to the park? We were gonna go to the park, but... But the smoking session went so badly, she was like, "Let's skip the park." She was like, "I hate that shirt. We're not going in the park." No, seriously, Ty, let's keep it real. Even though you're here in the most famous arena in the world, I genuinely want to know. So you're smoking weed, you're in a car, right?

You're with me? Your plan is to go to the park. Where exactly, what moment does she say, "I don't want to go to the park"? What happens?

Tyler, talk. All right. She was like, hey, we're just friends. We're just kicking it. And we just talked and chilled and got high. What made her say that? Did you try to do something? I wanted a kiss. I wanted a kiss. How did you signify to her that you wanted a kiss? I said, may I kiss you? Oh, this is good. See, now I'm getting where I want to be. Okay. So you're sitting there. Was it a joint, a blunt? A couple of joints. You smoked two joints? Yeah, yeah. Wow. You got a real good and paranoid face.

And then all of a sudden you go, is there music playing or anything? Or just in a quiet... Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, what type of music are you playing? It's going to be so fucking weird. It was her car. She had control of the aux. Pixies? No. What was it? She likes R&B. R&B? Wow, that's the right music to be able to land a kiss. So you smoke two joints. You go, may I kiss you?

Is that what you said? Those are my lines, yeah. And then what exactly did she say? Was it your weed? It was her. We went and got the weed together at a dispensary. Who paid for it? We split the bill. That's your problem, Tyler. We finally figured it out, ladies and gentlemen. Tyler's in the friend zone because he's a thrifty little Tyler, isn't he? Yeah. You sure you're not a Jehovah's Witness? Come on, folks.

MSG, come on man. Oh my god. Tyler, why didn't you pick up the tab on the marijuana? She insisted. Right, because she truly does not want to. How long have you known this lady for? A few years. Yeah, it might be time to bail on that project. Yeah. That tree's never going to grow fruit.

Wow. Well, I mean, why do you dance in between moments here? I keep noticing you keep doing this thing where you're pretending like you're ridiculously comfortable while talking about being in the friend zone in front of a sold-out arena. I was dancing when I asked for the kiss, too. All right. This is our first-- In the car? In the car, doing like a little seated wiggle? Yeah, like a little wiggle like this. Oh, no!

I dance when I get anxious, folks. I'm so sorry. It's kind of nerve wracking up here in front of what, 14,000 people? Yeah, but that dance sucked ass. That was bad. Oh, yeah? Your dance is terrible. Obviously. Yes. It's terrible. You need to stop doing that. Tyler, anything else interesting about you we should know before we let you go? I was also a clown. That's why I did the balloons. Okay. All right. Clowns.com.

What? That's the name of the business out of Elmont in Long Island. That's your business? I worked for them. Oh, you worked for clowns.com. Okay. Fucking creepy as fuck. I'd like to present our first serial killer of the night, Tyler Matthews, everybody. Good news. Good news, Tyler. You're leaving here with a little joke book. There he goes. Tyler Matthews, ladies and gentlemen. Good evening.

Ladies and gentlemen, keeping it moving along here, I'd like to present your first regular of the night.

This young man has taken the Kill Tony universe by absolute storm as we hustle and try our hardest to acquire American citizenship for him. Madison Square Garden, I proudly present the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty!

You ever look at a homeless person sitting on the corner and think to yourself, "Must be nice." You know, just to be like, "Fuck it!" 'Cause if you're like a working class asshole like us, life keeps fucking me up my ass

Every year I gotta make more room in my asshole for the government to fit another one in there. Inflation, rent, price of gas, what's happening in Gaza, is Joe Biden a lizard? And then you look at the homeless dudes just chilling with the boys. You don't give a fuck who's president.

You see some pretty lady go by, you already know you're not gonna fuck her. Might as well pull your dick out. She runs, you laugh, get high fives from the boys. 'Cause what's gonna happen? You're gonna call the police? Officer, what are you gonna do now? Take me in and give me a bed?

Thank you very much. That is what the fuck is up. Representing the regulars, some of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Brought to you by Kill Tony. Thank you so much. This is the Estonian assassin Ari Matti absolutely demolishing, taking his time, reverberating through the room. Unbelievable fucking set. Thank you so much. What was that little scoff about there? What was that? Nothing. Oh, okay. I was just staring at a guy. Oh, okay. I was just making a face at a guy. Story of my life.

Ari, an unbelievable performance. Thank you. Is this something that was inspired here in New York City that has a lot of homeless people? It's crazy out there, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's pretty wild. I came here like six months ago, couldn't get a fucking open mic spot. I got bit by a rat. And now I'm back in Madison Square Garden. Hell yeah, baby.

Pretty crazy, huh? It is two months in America, bro. It's crazy kill Tony regular Madison Square Garden Joe Rogan podcast brother dude That's America dude. That's America by the end of the year Oh It's gonna happen

There's nothing that can stop you have one note though that fucking act out at the end dude chill, bro You little fucking zesty ass act out there We don't fuck with that Back to Estonia everything else is great You keep shaking that ass like that you might be doing two spots tonight

Ari, Matty, you're an absolute fucking sensation. I cannot tell you what an acquisition. It's like when the Yankees get one of those diabolical Japanese players to come over here and play for them or whatever. You just belong here. We love you. You represent so fucking well. Every goddamn time you hit the stage in San Antonio last week, opening for Rogan's special and every appearance here on Kill Tony, I couldn't be prouder to bring you here to Madison Square Garden. Thank you so much.

to do exactly what you just did and what a spot to represent the regulars of this show getting them started here tonight one more time for ari matti ladies and gentlemen we love you moving on to yet another bucket pool a human has to

Hello, Ari Matty. I present to you the comedy stylings of Johnny J from Section 101, Row 11, Seat 15 to the big stage, the biggest in the world, the most famous arena, the granddaddy of them all, Madison Square Garden. This is Johnny J. How we doing, Madison Square Garden? Hey!

Seriously noise for Joe Rogan, Shane Gillis. Is that Tony? Tony Hinchcliffe, here we go. Hey, gentlemen, raise your hands if you ever caught your lady, caught you jerking off. Raise your hands. Now, ladies, raise your hands if you ever actually caught your man jerking off. All right.

So I was in the bathroom jerking off one time looking in the mirror per usual and I hear the door open I'm like fuck my girls here. It's my best friend. I keep a straight face eye to eye Best orgasm. I think I might have ever had in my entire life. I'm not gay best orgasm I've ever had in my entire life. Damn fuck man. That's all I had man. I don't know. That's it. That's all I got. That's all I got. That's all I got.

Wow, 46 seconds. 46? 46? Yeah, that was not good, Johnny J. I gotta give him credit for the dismount. You gotta know when things are going terrible. You gotta get out of there. Yeah. Dude, you gotta bail when you can. Give him a little credit for that, folks. Thank you, Joe. You guys are fucking mean. What?

Yeah, I also wasn't that good though in their defense Johnny let us cover that part. How long you been doing stand-up comedy about hello 46 seconds So this is your first time ever on stage first Wow, what made you choose today to start stand-up comedy? So I was sitting up there and someone said Johnny Jones and I said that's what they used to call me in high school right here and they just dragged me out and

What made you sign up for this today? I know how you got selected. You got pulled out of a bucket. Yes. Yeah. Oh, my buddy as a joke wrote my name down and threw me in. Okay. Well, there he goes. Johnny J. You leave with nothing. No joke book. No key chain. Put the mic down. There goes Johnny J., ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep moving along. That's it. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, people. He's got no set. He's got no answers. He's got

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And now, to recover from this, I'd like to present another regular on the show. You guys like regulars on the show, right? We've seen this guy's longest possible journey. You were with him when he was living in a van.

You were with him when he had to fight many times to keep his position on this show. Undefeated all time in battles, I present the Madison Square Garden debut of Hans Kim! ♪ This is Hans Kim ♪ ♪ This is Hans Kim ♪ ♪ This is Hans Kim ♪ ♪ This is Hans Kim ♪ ♪ This is ♪

What's up New York? I am an Asian man, which makes me an elite female athlete. Pretty much a Mexican woman. In Asia, we respect our elders. We don't make them run the entire country and then shoot them in the ear. When Biden heard the news, he was like, big deal. I almost died twice this morning. Love seeing that white patch above Trump's ear. I can't wait for the rest of the hood to come in. That's not an anti-Trump joke. That's a pro-KKK joke.

I do the dry cleaning. Thank you! Hans Kim, doing it again. You gotta love it. I mean, absolutely. Jokes the whole way through. The polarizing figure, Hans Kim. Yeah, I guess I am polarizing. Hans, how does it feel here? Look, you're at Madison Square Garden. It's great. Thank you guys so much. I used to live here.

What was life like back when you lived here? Tell us about it. A lot of it was outdoors. I was living in a van over by the old creek in the cave on Long Island City, really sleeping next to cars. It was not great, but now I'm indoors. I'm in a beautiful hotel. So, I mean, I love being indoors in New York City. It's one of the best experiences. Yes.

I completely agree. Being indoors in New York City is better than being outdoors. Hans, what else is going on in life? I'm doing great. My girlfriend is in Europe. She is so good at staying loyal to me here, she decided to take it on the road. And right now she's in Ibiza at a pool party, so, you know. Oh, what do you think she's doing? She's indoors. Oh, no.

I'm sure there's lots of guys with normal shaped heads there, which kind of worries me. They probably have teeth that close all the way. I'm trying not to ruin her trip. She spent $14,000 on it. $14,000? How did she spend that kind of money on a trip like that? She's going to Ibiza, Italy, Spain. She's going to all the different spots where men exist.

What's your worst, truly your worst case scenario type of guy that she could hook up with? I'm interested to know. I'm interested to know what your worst nightmare is. Well, Cam Patterson, but luckily he's here, so. You guys know Hans Kim. Any thoughts about Hans? Joe? Shane?

Yeah, hell yeah. Great job. Thank you, Shane. Yeah, that was great. I love you. Love you, bro. That was good. Thank you, man. I have a lot more. I've been writing a lot. I haven't been on the show. It was funny, man, but this girlfriend shit's too real. Yeah, that kind of bummed me out. Honestly, that bummed me out a little. It's bumming me out right now. She literally went to the worst places on earth. Picturing raves and baby oil and chaos. Yeah.

You can get a new girlfriend, Hans. You don't have to stay with the same woman over and over. She texted me. She's going to be loyal. She's... Oh, well, that counts. Nobody ever lies on text. I got it on record. But apparently FaceTime doesn't work in Europe. You guys ever notice that? Dude, class!

You tried FaceTiming her? Yeah, she already gave me like a prelude before she even went there. She was like, by the way, FaceTime's not going to work there. Oh, dude. How long have you been with her? About a year and a half now. That's a good run. You tried. I'll let her know. I mean, you said... You gave it your best.

I'm gonna be faithful, so, I mean... Shut the fuck up. You're in New York City. You're gonna do coke and you're gonna have a good time. You're a normal person. Gonna do a little bit of coke. Guys are gonna have fun, dude. There's nothing wrong with that. Just a little bit. I'd love to, Drew. I wanna see you do coke and open those fucking eyes up. It's true. You can do whatever you want, Hans. FaceTime not working goes both ways.

Well Hans, you did it again. Rock solid set here at the Mecca Madison Square Garden. Thank you guys. Make some noise for Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go to the legends bucket, huh? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, this is absolutely incredible. This man...

is truly one of the best ever, truly one of my favorite comedians for as long as I can remember. A true New Yorker, a monster. I present to you one of my all-time favorites, gracing us with his presence, ladies and gentlemen, New York's own, Jim Norton! Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Very nice.

You'll have to, before I start, I apologize if I move. I hurt my neck. I've been taking jujitsu for about a year and a half, and I hurt myself today. But no one has submitted me in the whole year and a half. No one has been able to submit me once. But I realize it's because whenever someone puts me in a choke, I yell, I'm going to come. Little jujitsu life hack. You want someone to let you go, just threaten to turn their black belt white.

So I was reading an article this week about Jerry Sandusky. Most of you remember him. If you're too young to remember him, he would like you. There was an article last week in the Daily Mail. They said he was convicted in 2012 of molesting a bunch of kids, Penn State coach, national scandal. But they said there was medical evidence that might have exonerated him, but he wouldn't allow his lawyers to put it into evidence because it was too embarrassing. All right, I'm curious.

Apparently he could not have had sex with all those children because he is medically impotent and his testicles are atrophied. But he wouldn't let his lawyer say that. You know, he didn't want to look bad. That's how fragile the male ego is. I heard you can't get it up. That's not true. You don't believe me? Ask those kids. They'll tell you. I don't understand pedophiles. I realize that's not a controversial statement. You're never going to lose the audience saying that. What do you mean you don't get it?

I just don't understand that desire. I don't even like children as friends. I don't like it. I'm not rude. Like if you have kids and I go to your house, I'm not going to ask you to keep them in the yard, but don't leave me alone with your child. Don't leave me alone with your kid. I'll explain that. That's a semicolon, not an exclamation point.

Because I don't want the responsibility of entertaining your child. I have nothing in common with a kid. My friend's got a six-year-old and she left me and this kid alone in the living room. And it's just fucking awkward. There's nothing to say to each other. I kept hoping he'd get the ball rolling. And I'm like, fine, it's my job. I'll talk to him. But he was a stupid, stupid boy. I tried. I was like, so what do you think of this whole Gaza thing? You're a fucking idiot. And finally, speaking of abortion...

They overturn Roe vs. Wade and in New York it's obviously a very unpopular decision. I have very mixed feelings about this. I didn't know how to feel when they took away abortion. I think ultimately I feel a woman should be able to do what you want. It's your body, no one can tell you. But, but, but, but, I can't say that I'm for abortion because I am only alive because of an abortion that was refused.

Roe vs. Wade was January of 1973. April of 1973, my mother went for an abortion and they turned her away. The doctor actually refused to do it because I was five. I remember it well. She was begging the guy to grandfather her in. She even held up my first report card to prove that I was not viable outside the womb. He finally just grabbed her by the shoulders and said, "Lighten up lady and drown this thing in the tub like everybody else does."

Well, that was my set. Thanks a lot, Tony. I'm happy to be here. Shane, Joe, Chris and Tony. Un-fucking-believable.

Perhaps one of my favorite jokes I've heard in a fucking really long time. That pedophile stuff's absolutely fucking hilarious. Thank you, man. It's hard to do it with my dick soft. All right. Thank you guys very much. Tony, I love you. Congratulations, man. Make some noise for your very own New York's own representing strong Jim Norton. And now back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, a human has to follow that.

Make some noise, 60 seconds, uninterrupted, while Shane goes pee. Brought to you by Bud Light. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Oleg Cutler. Cutler, here we go. You guys still having fun out there? Oleg Cutler. Is Brooklyn in the motherfucking house right now, guys? Hell fucking yeah, guys.

I don't know if you guys heard the news today, but Johnson & Johnson recently announced that they're coming out with an AIDS vaccine, guys. They're coming out with an AIDS vaccine. They're going to be calling it Magic Johnson. That's the name of the vaccine, guys. The only side effect is your youngest son might come out as trans. Might, guys. Might. So depending on who you are, it might be easier to deal with the AIDS is what I'm saying to you guys. Is what I'm saying. Let's see. Yeah.

One of my friends recently told me that they're addicted to porn. And I'm just letting you know that's not a real thing, guys. What does that even mean? As soon as you nut, you put it away. That's what porn is used for, guys. But I'll tell you when porn is going to be an addiction, guys. Porn is going to be an addiction when they start putting fentanyl in the porn, guys. When they start putting fentanyl in the porn... Thank you. Jesus Christ Almighty.

This is what happens if Beavis and Butthead made a child together. Guys, am I right? Brooklyn in the house. Jesus fucking Christ. Some pizza owner fucked a rat and made a fucking half a comedian. Ha ha ha.

Guys, am I right? Holy shit. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy? Three years. How long have you been a Little League home plate umpire? My whole entire life, Tony. Oh my goodness. How old are you? I'm 40. You sound like a Honda that won't start.

Holy shit. Why do you sound like that? What is that? I don't know. I'm just laughing at my own shit. What do you do for a living? I am currently unemployed. I'm currently unemployed. You always repeat your punchlines twice. Magic Johnson, it's a Magic Johnson. It's a vaccine, it's a vaccine. I'm unemployed, I'm unemployed. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

You're like something that grew out of a puddle in Brooklyn. It's kind of true. Kind of true, I did. I was actually raised in a puddle. I was raised in a puddle. This is fucking unbelievable. Sounds like it didn't go great, huh? I...

What happened? I missed it. That sounds terrible. You didn't miss a fucking thing, dude. You didn't have a good time? I had a great time. I had a great time out here. I had a great time. I had a great time. This is unbelievable. You don't even know that you do it, do you? I'm not saying it. I'm not. I'm not.

Hold on, what are we making fun of him for? He says everything twice, like, "I'm gonna go get the papers. Get the papers!" "I didn't even know I did that. I didn't even know I did that." This is fucking unbelievable. This guy's broken. A true broken human.

You live alone? Yes. Yes. Very good. Do you have any animals? No. What do you do for fun? What's a hobby of yours? I'm an artist. I paint. I do like street art, graffiti, stuff like that. Right. Okay. That sounds about right. Any pieces that we would recognize? Do you have like a George Floyd that looks like Kobe Bryant or anything like that? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess. What have you done? What are some of your biggest pieces of graffiti? I did a mural in First Street Green Park at one point or whatever it is. What was on the mural? It's a heart that's broken with a band-aid on it. With a red band on it? No, with a band-aid. With a band-aid on it. Okay. Wow. That's some real Brooklyn tough guy shit right there. Yeah!

Jesus fucking Christ almighty. You said three years you've been doing this? Yeah. All of it in Brooklyn? Yeah, all over the city, around New York. That set you just did, is that some of your better stuff or is that like newer stuff? It's a mix. Yeah. It's a mix. Uh-huh. It's a mix. It's a mix.

You have a trademark, that's for sure. It's unbelievably annoying, but it's yours. There's a reason why no one else does it. I love it.

What else, man? What else about your life before I get you out of here? That's pretty much it. I do comedy. There must be something about your entire life. You're here at Madison Square Garden streaming around the entire globe right now. You have nothing interesting to say? I was born near Chernobyl. That's a... Oh! It's all starting to make sense. It's all starting to make sense.

Oh my goodness. What kind of situation were you in where you were born near Chernobyl? Just living in Soviet Russia. That's the situation. That's the situation. You know Chernobyl was in Ukraine, right? Yeah, well at that time it was all the Soviet Union. Were you close? How close were you? About 150 miles. Oh yeah, that's totally within the range. That's why you nuclear bombed up here tonight. But...

That's what the show's all about. Is this real? That's real? That's just, that's, yeah. How old were you when that was going down? Five. Oh, shit. Developmental period. I'll be honest, I'm, I was like, yeah, I'm from Three Mile Island, so I'm the, you know, I get it. Nothing wrong with that. Damn, dude. I thought it was funny, whatever. What are the odds a guy from Chernobyl and Three Mile Island gets caught?

Did you know anybody that got fucked up? No. Everyone's... It was kind of far from the fallout or whatever it is. Uh-huh. Not far enough. Yep. Far from the fallout. I never noticed any side effects. Side effects. I don't know anybody that was fucked up. My friend, take this little joke book. It's all yours. Oh, there you go. Side effect of nuclear fallout. Not being able to catch joke books.

There he goes, Oleg Cutler. All different shapes and sizes of people. Let's go back to the legends bucket, shall we, huh? Well, this is a goddamn pleasure and a fucking honor because ladies and gentlemen, this guy started, I can say with no ego, this guy started the Austin fucking comedy boom. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the all-time greats, I present to you,

The one, the only, Ron White! Shit! They are on their feet. I literally didn't know they were going to do this. I was standing over there watching the show like everybody else, and they were like, I guess I can do this. We go to see Kill Tony a lot in Austin.

And a couple weeks ago, we went down to Mitzi's, which is the bar downstairs, and I was talking to a guy that I didn't know. And I knew he was connected with our group somehow, but I didn't know how. And later I was talking to a guy that I did know, and he told me the guy I was talking to earlier was gay, and I didn't care if he was gay or not. I just couldn't believe he was gay. He just didn't seem gay at all to me. Whatever the fuck that means. I guess I don't have gaydar or whatever. I have paydar, so if you're selling pussy, bing!

100% accuracy, 100% of the time. One tranny, but that was on me. I overlooked, asked Jim Norton, I talked to him about it. But I guess I can't tell if someone's gay or not. When I was like 20 years old, I was in a gas station bathroom and I let a gay guy blow me. At least I think he was gay. He seemed gay to me, but I didn't call him out on it or anything.

I guess if you'd walked in the bathroom at that exact moment, we would have both seemed gay. But it was just him. I think it'd be great to be a gay guy because here's why. You like dick, right? Because you're a gay guy and you have a dick. Perfect, right? I don't like dick at all, but I can't keep my hands off of mine. I like pussy, but I know if I had a pussy, I would ruin it.

I would. I'd go straight to the sex shop and buy everything I could possibly cram into it. Every buzzer, rabbit ear, dildos the size of traffic cones. Didn't you used to have a really nice pussy, Ron? I ruined it. Now it's where I keep my shoes. I had my friends sew some snaps on my pussy lips so I can snap them shut and keep my shoes from falling out of my pussy.

Thanks very much. There you go. I mean, holy fucking shit. What's even happening here tonight? This is unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. This has to be just the most fucking crazy episode of Kill Tony ever. So many freaks coming out. Ron, thank you for joining us. Yeah, let me just let me just say this. I've been watching this show for a long time since the first time I saw it was in the main room at the comedy store.

and maybe 100, 150 people there. And what I've watched this thing become is a way to reach out. How many of you know the funniest person you know is not a comedian? You just know a funny motherfucker somewhere. And that's where comedians come from.

And Kill Tony has put a reach out there, and we're searching for these people. And not only that, but because of the mothership and the way we're set up in Austin, we have something to do with those people once we find them in a path to genuinely being able to make a living doing stand-up comedy. We're making that available.

To everybody. So thank you guys for being behind this 100% and making it the funnest thing. And we're all just looking at you going, we can't fucking believe what's going on. And it's great to be back in New York City. Thank you very much.

- Ron White, let me just say before you go, there were so many of those episodes of "Kill Tony" when we first moved to Austin 'cause it was one of the only places that we could even do the show indoors in front of human beings during the pandemic. And you came through so many times as an emergency guest when we had nobody else in the city at the time and we watched the whole thing grow and explode and you're a huge fucking part of that.

So from the bottom of our hearts, thank you for being you. Thank you for fucking existing. And you're one of the greatest badasses on planet Earth. One more time for one of the all-time greats, Ron fucking White. Unbelievable. God damn it. So cool. Thank you, man. Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. And now we roll to another regular every

You probably haven't seen this young man in a long time. He's been very busy on his own tours, selling out all around the country. No better time to use a big stage like this than for somebody who's gonna use it. I present to you an absolute freak of nature. This is Casey Rocket! ♪♪

Spoon man! Alright, cool, hell yeah. Get real. I gotta get out of here, I'm gonna be late for my quinceanera. Physically fast, spiritually Latino. I, uh, okay. So cool. Little hat work, get lost. I, uh, come on now. I, uh, shouldn't have done that. Alright, we're riffing, lock the exit. I, uh, oh, it's been a tough week. Where was Stuart Little on 9-11? I, uh...

We know he had an airplane. We know he had motive. If you can't have a family, no one can. All right. Get real. I haven't been this nervous since we held that car wash to save the football team. You should have seen Coach. He'd never been happier. You guys did this for me? Get real. Give me one last minute. I, uh...

Oh man, it's been a tough week. I was walking down the alleyway earlier and a bunch of those dudes from Barstool Sports beat the shit out of me again. Kept saying, what's the score of the Jets game, pussy? I don't know, sir. I don't know, now do I? All right. So sassy. People call me the Ric Flair of the New York comedy scene. Oh yeah. Oh.

'Cause I expose myself to a waitress. Okay. Come on, we got him. Casey Rockett, thank you so much. We did it! Ladies and gentlemen, he's done it again. The crowd is on their feet signifying that the crab man has arrived.

And indeed, we are getting word from the officials here at Madison Square Garden that is the fastest any artist has ever moved at a 180 degree angle side to side in the history of the building. Casey, you've done it again. How do you feel? Thank you for asking, Tony. I feel electric. All my friends are here. I was inducted last night into the Gambina's crime family. I'm so excited.

Little Charlie, Charlie Daniels, Big Mike, everybody was there. They gave me the special The Cane of Truth. What kind of power or history does The Cane of Truth have? Justice, equality, sanitation, numbers rackets, racketeering. Oh, God. If you guys could get out of here, I'd like a moment alone. Um...

You are a fucking wild, wild boy, KC Rocket. How do you like New York City? I love it. I got here yesterday. I had Chick-fil-A. It was good. It was even better. Wow. Yeah. Absolute. Big Chick-fil-A crowd. Yeah. I mean, this is, New York is famous for their Chick-fil-A. You can only get it here. Everybody knows that. Yeah. It's a Gambina's thing. You wouldn't understand. It's true. It's true.

Joe Rogan, what do you think about KC Rock? I got your ring, bro. Oh, thank you. You lost a ring. Thank you. It's my wedding ring. For any of you guys out there who think that I could never get married, you're wrong. I got married. Amanda Pandemonium, you ready? Open up. Oh my god! What the fuck was that? What the fuck was that?

Do you- Did you guys plan that out? You're definitely his friend, dude. You're wearing a red and stimpy shirt. You're definitely his friend. Did- Did- Did anybody get that? Are you out of your mind? Can he keep that ring? Swallow it! Can he keep the ring? Yes, he can. Who are you with? Who's that sitting next to you? You don't know him?

You're a plant, dude. Nobody catches with their mouth like that. For those of you that missed it, which I'm pretty sure was 14,000 people behind him... - Let me pause. - The guy opened his mouth. Casey threw it directly into his mouth. He caught it in his mouth.

and then put it on his finger. Casey, do you know this man? It was the perfect throw. He didn't even have to move abruptly. Yeah. He barely moved. He barely moved. Oh, it was a perfect throw. Wait, you had to plant the entire show that was just here to catch a ring in his mouth? And you trapped me. You trapped me into retrieving your ring, you clever bastard. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. I, uh...

Did you hear the chink of his tooth? It was unbelievable. It definitely hit his teeth a little bit. I was worried you were going to die. Swallow that bitch. Oh, man. So that's Amanda Pandemonium, that guy with a beard? That's right. Absolutely incredible. Amanda Pandemonium, my wife. That is your wife.

It is a man. He caught the ring in his mouth. I mean, that was... It was like the show was only for the four of us for a second there. I feel like the simulation is real. It was unbelievable. Red Bandit, I know. The stars are lined up right now. Casey Rocket in the zone. He's in full effect, chuckling with the cane of truth. Thank you.

He throws a ring. A man catches it in his mouth. What can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before, Casey? There's no one like you in the fucking world. You've proven it again with Amanda Pandemonium. Thank you. Thank you, guys. What a pleasure, New York. We did it. Ladies and gentlemen, Casey Rockett. Yes. Oh.

Wait, wait. Yes. I got to figure this out. It's impossible, though, because he dropped that ring and you picked it up. Yeah, I scrambled for it. I had to go underneath the curtain to get it. I saw it roll under the curtain. I grabbed it. You're just a regular guy by yourself that snagged that with his mouth. Is that the greatest moment of your life? That's crazy. It's pretty crazy. You have a camera on that at all?

We did not have a... I don't believe we had coverage of that. That's for us. That's just for us. It's just for us. You're just going to have to take our word for it. You guys are going to have to trust us. There was one man in the front that opened his mouth like that, and the ring went directly into his mouth. He smiled, spit it up, put it on his finger. It's right there. This is unbelievable. Back to the bucket we go. This is indeed Bucket

Number six, I do believe. Make some noise for Manny Ramos, ladies and gentlemen. Manny Ramos. Let's go, MSG. What's going on? New York? All right, guys. I finally have a girlfriend, which is great. I love that. I hate dating. Being single is fucking tough. Sometimes people are fucking mean when you're fucking dating. I know I was on a date with this girl. We're having dinner, and I'm looking at her. She's looking at me, and out of nowhere, she's like, you know what? It's all right that you're not six feet tall.

You're a short king. It's kind of fucked up, you know? It's kind of like a double standard, right? Short king? I can't be going out with like a thicker woman and just be like, "Hey, you know what? It's alright that you're a fat queen." Date's fucking done, right? It's not fucking cool. I'm just kidding, guys. I would never date a fat chick, dude. Man. The thing that pissed me off the most about that date was that I'm 5'8", and this girl is 5'0". I'm a whole dick taller than you. Maybe not my dick.

Anyway, that's my time. Thank you guys. Manny Ramos. Welcome to the show, Manny. Thank you, Tony. Thank you. How do you feel right now? It's surreal. It's pretty surreal. How long you been doing stand-up? Like two and a half years. Where at? New York City, New Jersey. I'm from Jersey. You're originally from Jersey. Jersey guy, yeah. New Jersey. Let's go. Wow. Yeah. We have a lot of fans from New Jersey. That makes sense.

I could see how that would work out. What do you do for a living? I'm a camera guy and a lighting guy. I own a small business that rents out equipment to commercials and TV shows and stuff. Okay. Oh, the crowd is also a fan of cameramen for some reason. Very interesting. You're Mexican? Ecuadorian. Oh. Same shit. Yeah, we don't have a sound effect for Ecuadorians, obviously. What do you do for fun?

Uh, I don't know. This, rock climbing, just fucking bars, hanging. Okay. I don't know, yeah. You have a girlfriend? I do. How long you been with her? Uh, about a month and a half. What does she do? Uh, whiskey stuff. She's gonna kill me. Whiskey stuff? She's a whiskey rep. Manager. She's gonna kill me right now. Well, not right now. In a couple minutes, she's gonna kill you.

Why would she kill you for that, just out of curiosity? I don't know, because I feel like I always get her brand wrong. When else would it have ever mattered that you got her brand wrong except for right now? This would be the chance to get it right. You get her brand wrong, like, during sex? Come on, man. Oh, man.

That's what I scream out every time is her brand. Screwball? Tiger thick. Whistling pig. I'm so sorry. Wow. Absolutely incredible. You have any special Ecuadorian moves in the bedroom? Man, God, it's not really just my regular size cock.

Okay. What do you consider to be a regular-sized cock? Just so that I can picture it in my head. Nothing gay. What would you picture for an Ecuadorian move? I mean, I don't really know. Like, uh, eating pussy with one of those, like, grapefruit spoons or something like that? Is that a cocaine spoon? Is that what that is? No, it's the spoon with the sharp edges at the end, but I don't know. Is that a fork? What? A spork? No, it's different. Don't be funny now. That's fair.

Sorry, Shane. I mean, don't do that either. Fuck you, Shane. I don't know what... That's good. There we go. Manny, what's the most interesting thing about you? Do you have any hobbies other than stand-up and camera work? I don't know. Not really. About time to wrap this up, huh? That's fine. You can wrap me up. It's all good. Okay. There he goes. Manny Ramos, ladies and gentlemen. There's a little joke book. Hey. All right.

I know, you want me to get those glasses? What's up with you guys? I'm pulling from the legends bucket again. Oh, look at this. Look who's willing to share some material with us. This is absolutely incredible. One of the record holders for all time appearances as a guest on this show. You know him from the Legion of Skanks and the founder of Skank Fest doing a set for us. This is Luis J. Gomez.

Wow, look at this. Hell yeah. Holy shit, Madison Square Garden. Wow. Wow. I'll tell you guys, I love eating pussy. I love it. Thank you, ladies. Thank you. And some guys, thank you. I love eating pussy so much that I'm afraid that I'm going to get mouth cancer like Michael Douglas. Do you guys remember how Michael Douglas got mouth cancer a few years ago from eating Catherine Zeta-Jones' pussy?

That was a big news story. That actually happened. I can't get it out of my, anytime I go down to my girlfriend, I can't even get through the alphabet. I'll be like, A, B, C, C, cancer, fuck, I can't do this anymore. But here's the thing, I love eating pussy so much that even if I got cancer, I would still continue to do it. I would still continue to eat pussy. I'd be like that woman in that commercial in the 90s who had throat cancer, but she was smoking a cigarette through the fucking hole in her neck. You guys remember that bit? She was like, I fucking love smoking cigarettes so much.

I will never stop smoking cigarette. She started slurping it up through a fucking bloody hole in her neck. We had to watch that at 3:30 in the afternoon after Animaniacs. I love cigarette. That's gonna be me. They're gonna put me in a commercial for mouth cancer awareness. Right? They're gonna remove my lower jaw. I'm gonna be like... They're gonna interview me about how much I love eating pussy. I'm like, "How much you love eating pussy?" I'm like...

The cancers are going to spread to my hands. They're going to remove a few of my fingers. All I can do is this. I'm like, ah! New York City, thank you so much. Good night. Fucking unbelievable. Luis J. Gomez, another one of my New York brothers. Skank Fest is sold out. He runs literally the best comedy festival in the world. You guys know about it. Skank Fest exists.

You know what? Why don't we go to the... Should I go to the Legends bucket one more time? Let's do it again.

Oh, dear Lord Almighty, I present to you one of the frontrunners from his very first appearance as a guest on the show for Guest of the Year. We forced him to come back as fast as we possibly could because the man fits into the show like a perfect puzzle piece. You know him from a lot of your favorite movies. This is instant Kill Tony legend Harland Williams!

Wow, thank you. Thank you everybody Ma'am if you could twirl your head around like a demented owl Folks, I'm happy to be here. I'm gonna be honest. I'm a little under the weather. I have Lyme disease and Well, don't laugh

But I've been seeing a lot of comedy here tonight and it's been a little safe. It's been a little too easy. So tonight I'm gonna do a joke that's definitely gonna get me canceled. They're probably gonna have to cut it out of the show. I don't care. I'm gonna do it. It's racist. It's anti-religion. It's anti-women. It's anti-trans. It's anti-gay. I'm going for it. Fuck off.

I don't care if I have Lyme disease, I'm fucking doing it. You ready? These three black trans walk into a gay bar with a Jewish guy, a Palestinian guy, and a... Hang on, sorry. Fucking Lyme disease. I can't finish. Fuck off. Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen!

as he's got the best of them. My God. This is the craziest episode of Kill Tony ever. I present another bucket pool coming from the comedian section. This is bucket pool number seven, the comedy stylings of Jason King, ladies and gentlemen.

Jason King. Oh, big pop from the New York comedians. This should be interesting. Make some noise for Jason King. Woo! Madison Square Garden, make some noise! Woo! Hell yeah. I love walking out to music. I recently did a show where I walked out to Carl Douglas' Kung Fu Fighting. You guys know that song? Yeah. I like that song because you never hear people write songs about other obscure skills. Right? Like, you never hear... Niggas playing frisbee.

I love that we're doing comedy like this, right? We didn't get to do comedy during the pandemic. But the one thing I do miss from the pandemic was the fact that we were able to put anti-vaxxers through Jim Crow laws. Right? We were like, you're not locked up anymore, but you can't eat here. Right? If you weren't vaccinated, you got treated like a black person in the 60s. It's like, hi, welcome to the restaurant. Are you vaccinated? No? Well, read the sign, nigger. Outside! And put a mask on because you make me sick!

I told that joke to my grandma, she's like, Jason, how could you make a joke about Jim Carrey? I was like, well, grandma, this time I'm a white. I said that joke recently on a show and this white lady was like, that ever-breaking thing. Thank you very much, I'm Jason King. Fuck yeah, a full set, Jason King from Queens.

Rock solid set. Representing New York very well. Yes, sir. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's going to be five years later this year. I love it. Five years. You do this for a living? What do you do for work? No, I'm a product strategist. Okay. I do stand-up at night, but hopefully one day I could just do stand-up. Yeah, that's true. Thank you.

That's how the magic happens. Tell us more about you. What else is interesting about your life? I've been producing music for 13 years. What kind of music? All kinds. I think music is just kind of math, and if I think about it, it's all just different equations. You sing, you make it on a computer. What do you do? All kinds. On a computer, but I play guitar.

I can't really sing. I won't put that kind of pressure on myself. - You play guitar? - I play guitar, yeah. - Really? - If that's what you want, I'll do it. - You're gonna sing in the shower? - What do you think? - If you play something in B flat, I'll do it. If you play something in B flat, I'll do a solo. I'll take whatever guitar you want. - Let's go. - Let's do it? - Let's go. - All right. - Come on. - Let's go! - All right, let's see what happens here. Jason King grabbing, wait, that's Marcus King. Wait a second.

Are you guys brothers? They have dreams. This is the weirdest episode of white men can't jump I've ever seen. They was kings. Oh, shit. Ladies and gentlemen, here's a little guitar solo from Jason King. One, two, one, two, three, four. Wow. I mean.

is Kill Tony! You just watched a man have a fucking great comedy set and then kill it on the guitar live Madison Square motherfucking Garden. The greatest arena in the world. Jason, how do you feel? I feel fucking fantastic. Well, you did it, buddy. Simply doesn't get any better than that. Here's a big joke book. Make some noise for Jason King. Woo!

That's how the magic happens right there. Absolutely fucking incredible. You can't even make this up. Unbelievable. And now it's time for another regular, ladies and gentlemen. This young man, I mean, what can I say? He's the only regular ever to be made a regular after one appearance. On his first scheduled appearance, he went viral for liking rocks.

I present to you the Madison Square Garden debut, but probably not his last time here. This is Kent Patterson! What's up, New York? What it do? Yeah, yo. This is my first time in New York, man, and I, uh... Yeah, I like it a lot. I like it a lot. Man, everybody say New York is a melting pot.

It's a method park full of people, everybody just in one place. You know what I'm saying? And I don't believe that at all. You have Chinatown, Koreatown, Harlem, Spanish Harlem, Nigga Town, I mean the Bronx, segregated as fuck, dawg. That's not a real, that's a, why the city smell like piss? You know what I'm saying? This place is terrible. I was on the subway today and I seen a rat eating a homeless nigga

I don't like this place at all. Thank you for clapping random white man in the back from Idaho. This place fucking sucks. It's strange. Every person from New York is just rude as fuck. They mean as hell, dog. And they're like, yeah, you know, that's just how we are, our personality in New York. Nigga, you rude, bitch. That's not a personality. Pizza. We got pizza. It's delicious. The cheapest shit ever? Kill yourself.

- Got my time. - Goddamn right. Speaking nothing but truths. Coming out to a ruckus. Standing ovation, riding the wave. He's done it yet again. The future has arrived. Cam Patterson, live from Madison Square Garden. - What it do? - What it do indeed. - This shit, nigga, this shit crazy as fuck, dawg. - Yep, it is. - It's insane, nigga.

It is. How big of an entourage did you bring here today? I got the whole hood with me, nigga. I brought 72 people, dog. We ain't Madison Square, fuck, nigga. We going crazy. Half my name got on echo monitors and shit. It's wild, bro. They shouldn't be out of the state of Florida. I love it. No, they're back there. Yeah, they're ruining things. I was... They're back there. They're ruining it. They're ruining it. Hey! Yeah!

We need to lock up all the deodorant back there. Because they keep breaking it and taking it. You know the funniest thing? I just put the deodorant in my pocket. I swear to God. I'm so glad I took it out. I ain't put none on before I got here. Can you guys cut that out so we can go to fucking Walgreens? What do you mean? Everybody in this goddamn arena knows what I'm talking about, dude.

Stop stealing our Old Spice. We don't steal-- it's not Old Spice, nigga. It's Degree. That's the one I like the most. - You guys are getting Degree? - Yeah, yeah. All right, well, lock up the Degree. Leave us the Old Spice. Give us-- Did you purchase the deodorant? Of course. Yeah, right. You rang the bell and still stole it. No. No, I was-- I was trying to steal it. They were like, "You can't pass it off. Fuck." People know me now. This is fucked up. Yeah, you can't steal anymore. It's over.

What else has been going on here in New York City? It's really your first time here? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I seen the portal. I seen the little portal shit, the Dublin. Yeah, I flipped it off. Like, fuck you Dublin niggas. I don't give a fuck about town. This is gay. Fuck about Dublin pussy. Nah, nah, nah. Up the ride. What does that even mean, nigga? Up the IRA. I was sitting in the back with all the special ones. You know, uh...

Jared Nathan and Aaron Belal and shit. And I was sitting on the floor and David walked in and he was like, "What you watching the retards, nigga?" "They got you in charge of the retards." I just wanted to say that on Madison Square Garden. I just wanted to say retard three times on Madison Square Garden. Four times. You did. I give you full permission and I have a hard R award 2024, so I'm allowed to share it with who I want and you have full permission.

I wonder if this means I can say the N-word too. No, no, no, no. Not even close. No. I love it. You would say it all gay too? Nigga. Nigga. Is that your impression of me? Yeah, that's you saying nigga gay. Nigga. Unbelievable. They keep stealing Old Spice.

I can't believe you would steal Old Spice. That's unbelievable. That's what we need. Cam, you've done it again, my friend. You came in, you absolutely ripped the roof off the fucking joint. Everybody loves you. Make some noise for Cam Patterson. You guys think we should add one more panelist to the show? You think it should be one of the biggest comics in the history of New York City?

Ladies and gentlemen, joining us, nice enough, even though he had delayed flights all day. Oh, okay. Okey-dokey, thank you. Great stuff. We're gonna wait for that. We're gonna wait for that, everybody.

He's using the bathroom. I've been informed in my little tiny earpiece that he's using the bathroom. There's Red Band's one fart noise for the episode. The man has sold out Madison Square Garden multiple times.

Ladies and gentlemen, joining the show, again, gracious enough to join us from many delayed flights today, I present to you, Andrew Schultz! Oh my god! He's back home, baby! Is this the craziest fucking comedy show you've ever been to? New York, let's make some money!

Oh my God. Andrew Schultz joining the panel right now. How fucking awesome. Stuck on the other part of the country all day and you fucking made it. What a hero. A friend. - I'm sorry I'm late, man. Fucking Lyme's disease. - Unbelievable. Andrew, you made it just in time for our... No, I didn't get one.

Oh, okay. Well, the bucket pool is in the nosebleeds, I have been informed. Let's go to the Legends bucket while we get the guy out of the nosebleeds. Our final Legends bucket pool. Oh my god.

Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say? Every once in a while, I just know that the roof is about to blow off this fucking joint as I present to you one of the greatest guests in the history of the show, the 2023 Guest of the Year. This is Dr. Phil! Oh, shit.

New York City, make some motherfucking noise if you're excited to be alive tonight. What a good show so far. Keep it going for Kill Tony, Ryan Redband, Joe Rogan, Shangilis, Andrew Schultz, the Kill Tony Band. Keep it going for all the perverts in the crowd tonight. Okay, that's way more than I thought would announce themselves. Love New York City. Prepared a few statements for you guys.

I love New York City, one of my favorite cities in the world, the city that never sleeps, the city that definitely always creeps. Okay, people licking their lips, having wet dreams during the day. So I got today, dressed as Elmo, jerking off outside of a McDonald's. Turns out it was Brian Redband having himself a good old Friday afternoon. Dressed as Elmo, jerking off while I'm trying to order a filet of fish. Fucking weirdo.

Thanks for coming out, Brian. Been doing a lot. A big New York City day today. I went to two museums, four parks, a Broadway show. Cam Patterson took me to Spanish Harlem and N-Word Town. Can't say the full thing, but you know what it is. Tons of shoe shops. Yeah, it was a full New York day. I packed in more than Pete Eddy in a hot tub. And that's a joke that you can tell your kids before they go to bed. What else we got? Saw Back to the Future.

Good musical. I wish I could go back in time in five years and fire Tony's stylist. I mean, Tony, you're dressed like a guy who runs a petting zoo over Zoom. No, I'm deflecting. I just want his shirt. Fits his body better than mine do. Got a quick knock-knock joke for you guys. You want to hear a knock-knock joke? Sounded like the perverts again. Here we go. Knock-knock. Can ya?

Can you do that thing with your hand, sweetheart, where you put it in the dishwasher for a few minutes so it gets extra clammy, then finger my asshole? That's what Hans Kim texted my masseuse two nights ago. And now I have to find a new way to relax. Give it up for Hans Kim, by the way. He came all the way out here just to rip it up and suck it up. I love Hans. I had to fake asthma so many times to avoid fighting his family. And I'll tell you this much.

All right, that sounded better in my head. Let's move on. New York City, home of the Yankees. Give it up for your New York Yankees. These guys are, sure, they're a team. They're a team. They got 27 championships. 27. They're having a good year. Their pitching staff is struggling. The staff of the Yankees, their aim is about as good as Alec Baldwin on the set of the movie Rust. Have you seen that yet? I think it's on Tubi.

I watched some of the Olympics. You guys see that French guy's cock hit the bar? Pretty hot. Tony, you see that? I know you did. Yeah, it was getting in the way, you know? Tape that shit down. Which is also what the waiter tells David Lucas to tell his sandwiches so they don't run out of the restaurant. All right, let's move on. That one sounds... Fuck. Fuck. God fucking damn it. All right. I'm hearing these for the first time, too, so shut the fuck up.

David Lucas is a Kill Tony Hall of Famer, so make some noise for that. That's a big deal. It's a big deal. Only a couple in the history, I think. David Lucas looks like what shows up if you say "beetle gin and juice" three times. Not bad. Andrew liked it. He just got here, so that's not bad. People say New York is famous for their food. They also say William Montgomery has the sex appeal of a special needs bathroom. Big stall. You can do what you want in there.

Got one more knock-knock joke. You guys care for one more knock-knock joke real quick? I knew you wouldn't mind. Knock-knock. Doors. Hey, doors locked. It's me, Cam. I'm coming in through the window to fuck a fat chick. All right. To be honest, didn't think it'd go that well. One more time for Cam Patterson. He's here still. Sweet guy with kind eyes. You know his dick hits the bar when he jumps over it. Brian Redband's here. Keep it going for Brian Redband. This motherfucker turned 50 years old last week. I thought he was 66.

But that's Father Time. Red Band, Arby closed. That's Red Band's 9-11. I wrote that down. I thought that was funny. Red Band, you are truly just a wizard over there on the ones and twos. I love what you do. Every Thursday in Austin, Texas, Brian Red Band has the Secret Show, which is what he calls exposing himself to minors. So you can check out his Facebook page. Love the outfit, Red Band. Who dresses you? Helen Keller? Helen? Fuck. All right. Helen Keller? Shit.

Alright, again, I didn't proofread this. Thanks, Michael. Yeah, let's try it again. Ready? Michael, I got two more alternative punchlines. Hey, Red Band, who dress... And then hit me with a little, uh... What is it? Yeah, okay. Well, fucking you guys figure it out. Red Band, who dresses you? A stuffed animal? Red Band, who dresses you? Tony's butt plug guy? Alright, we'll leave on that one. Red Band is a sexy-looking guy. Red Band, you look like Keanu Reeves if speed was on a short bus.

So same movie, just bring the bus size down and make everybody retarded. All right, Red Band, how does your whole body look like a fupa? How do you pull that off? Party in the front, fupa all over. Red Band looks like the only guy who texts Postmates, you up? Trying to get some soup. Me and Cam Patterson are going to N-Word Town tonight. I'm going to do a few impressions. I'm going to close things out with a few impressions. You guys mind? A couple impressions?

This first impression is a Ray Romano, comedian Ray Romano. Sorry, I had a mac and cheese portable in the car on the way over here. This is a Ray Romano, comedian Ray Romano watching Red Band have sex. Here we go. Oh, God. My next impression is, this one's a little bit better. It's a little, it's not, all right, stay with me. This next one is, this is Nicolas Cage getting a back massage from Tony Hinchcliffe.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, I'm gonna come, ha!" Not bad. One more impression for you. This final impression, and again, an honor to be up here. One more time for the Kill Tony world that you guys have helped create.

Madison Square Garden, I saw this fucking show 10 years ago at the Belly Room at the Comedy Store. Make some motherfucking noise for you guys coming out and supporting one of the greatest shows, if not the greatest, in stand-up history. All right, this last impression is a doozy. This is President Joe Biden seeing a lollipop. Here we go, seeing a lollipop. Hey, you're a sucker. You're a sucker. You're a sucker. Look at me. You're a sucker. I'm going to lick you. I'm going to lick you like a sucker. Hey, hey.

You're a shucker. I'm going to lick you. I'm going to lick. I'm going to shuck your dick. I'm going to shuck your dick in front of America. I'm going to put it on Pornhub. I'm going to put it on Grubhub. Come on. All right, that's my time. You guys are unbelievable. Dr. Phil fucking believable. Absolutely. You have done it yet again. It's absolutely mind blowing.

What you have done on this show yet again is absolutely fucking mind-blowing. We can do it later, Andrew. That's okay.

I appreciate the feedback, Tony, and I appreciate the love. You know, it's the Dr. Phil shit. We're doing the Beacon Theater on November 15th here in Los Angeles doing Dr. Phil Live. If you guys want to come out to that. It's no Madison Square Garden, but you got to start somewhere, right, Tony? Absolutely. Yeah. Now, Tony, I know it's a big night for you. It's a big night for everybody involved. What a show so far, by the way. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? One after the other.

But, Tony, I know that Brian had a birthday last week. And, you know, your show's as good as your one-two punch, whatever the sense. Kevin Bacon once said, you know, you can only do some—you need a guy doing queef noises, I think Kevin Bacon said. And so, Brian, you turned 50, and I got you a gift. What do you get the guy who can get every virtual reality headgear gift?

video game system. So my assistant Norm, there's a sweatshop in Taiwan. They don't make clothes, but they make pastries. So we got Brian Redman, 16 penis cookies or cakes. I don't know. To be honest, I don't even like that I'm holding it right now, but you can eat it or suck it, Brian. It's, you know, whatever. But I wanted to sing happy birthday to Brian real quick because it was his 50th birthday last week. Can we do that? Let's do it.

Brian, take one of these. Here you go, baby. Take one of those. Is it possible to eat it with our butt? What's that? Can I eat one with my butt? You can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it, Tony. Wait, Tony, wait. Ask me that one more time. Can I eat it with my butt? We'll be right back. Fuck. Let's do it, Dr. Phil. Lead us in it. I'm with you. Here we go. You guys want to sing? Here we go. One, two, three. Happy birthday to you.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - Come on. ♪ Happy birthday dear Red Band ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - Thank you. - I love you guys, New York City, thank you so much for letting me come out and fuck around. Happy birthday Brian Red Band, kill Tony, I love you. Goodnight New York City, goodnight! - Dr. Phil, wait a second, wait a second. One more thing, guys.

Before you go, we've noticed that you've always... Tony, what the fuck? You're cock-blocking my exit. I know, I know, I know. I like to surprise people every once in a while, and I know that you are very close with unbelievable comedian Adam Ray. I've noticed that you've always plugged his stuff. Got to. I follow a couple of Jewish comedians, and he's one. And while he's not here... Even Rachel Feinstein. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, I don't...

Second one I could think of. That is a crazy reference. Well, he's not here tonight. I got word that his parents are here and you're here, which is incredible. So I figured let's do something special. So if you want to look at one of these big giant screens, let's roll it.

Adam Ray, everybody is here.

Adam Ray and Matt Bronger, everybody. And Adam Ray. Wow. The amazing Adam Ray. Adam Ray. Adam Ray. Adam Ray, everybody. Adam Ray. Dr. Phil. Adam Ray. Make some noise for Elaine, her first time on the show. Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil.

The real President of the United States of America. This is Joe Biden! Tony, what an unbelievable experience it is. What a great show this could be instead. We've got an absolute idiot here running the show. You look so scared. Who just shit my pants?

Ain't nobody forgot about your retarded Aaron Rodgers looking ass nigga. Hey, hey, easy Michael Clark Dunkin' Donuts. That's not fair. That's not fair. You've got issues. When I talk about that in chapter 16 about my own personal struggles. Charlie's listening to a totally different podcast right now.

Charlie's listening to Theo Vaughn right now. Yeah, man, my principal was a raccoon, man. If it hit me, I'm going to play Christian's dad. And Christian, you play yourself in this. There's no way you could fuck it up, Christian. This is your father. Hey, who is it? This is my, or is that the pizza delivery guy? You should vote for me. I stood for BLM. Black large motherfuckers.

We just had an amazing weekend in Texas. In Austin, yeah. You sang at the goddamn Comedy Jam. I did. You fucking killed it. One of my favorite parts. Man, I tried way too hard. You are like a real singer. Laffy Taffy, Willy Wonka is my dealer. Oompa Loompa Loompa Oompa. Adam Ray. Badalera Tony.

♪ I got a massage from you ♪ ♪ In Granville ♪

As being raised by a sweet Jewish single mom, I can't let you sleep in your fucking car tonight. I'm going to get you a hotel for three nights here in Austin, all right? Oh, look at that. Oh, my God. Wow. Just keep grinding, man. I can't do that. Okay, okay. Go on. But hey, but hey, but just keep hustling, man, and crush that job interview on Wednesday. And don't you fucking jerk off in the La Quinta lobby. Hold up. What if I got your plane ticket and flew you out and you could host the whole weekend? Yeah.

It is with mixed emotions, or maybe great pleasure, that I award the Kill Tony 2023 Guest of the Year to Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. Guest of the Year! Fucking Dr. Phil! I've traveled the world I've seen everything And tonight

Everybody! Call me for a teeny fun!

Call me for a titty bug. Touch my head and my back. Kia Forum will be right back. You figured it out probably, but you are indeed the newest member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. The first ever guest to be inducted into the Kill Tony Hall of

The first non-regular into the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Ray, a game changer in the history of the show. No doubt for it to happen. Truly one of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. Elaine. Dr. Phil.

Joe Biden. This is Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. One more time for Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen. And now, why don't we get one more regular up here, ladies and gentlemen. I present to you a master...

of the art form of roasting. This is Kill Tony Hall of Famer, David Lucas! - Yeah. Being a comedian, we don't do much during the day and I felt kinda like my life wasn't worth shit. So I started volunteering. I started volunteering at the Cancer Research Center

And it's kind of neat because you get to meet people who are more fucked up than you. And I met this 29 year old girl who had six months to live and one of her last dying wishes is that she wanted to get her pussy ate one last time. And of course I volunteer, you know what I'm saying? And it's so funny because every time she would orgasm, she would flatline. I was like, "Beeep!" I'm like, "Goddamn, bitch."

And it's so weird because all you women think y'all be doing some shit when y'all be shaving or waxing y'all pussy. Let me tell you, wax pussy ain't got shit on chemotherapy pussy, nigga. That is the smoothest pussy in the world, nigga. That shit was like a manatee's back, you know what I'm saying? That shit was rain-resistant, water was dripping off of that motherfucker. I'm trying to get my girlfriend to get cancer now. I'll be blowing cigarette smoke in her face.

I got that bitch sleeping next to a microwave. Like, come on, bitch, what the fuck we waiting on? All right, thank y'all. That's my time. Fuck yeah, a minute 50 from David Lucas. Hell yeah. I love it. That was great. When you were done eating your pussy, did you eat the rest of her? Tony, for selling out Madison Square Garden, we gonna find somebody to eat your pussy tonight. Oh, shit.

You dressed like one of them female secret fucking agents for Donald Trump when he got shot, nigga. Oh, shit. Don't even know how to holster your gun. You pulled out a dildo to shoot at a nigga. You look like the building the shooter was on. Slanted-ass roof on your head. Well, fuck you, Tony. Try to hide your fucking femininity in that all-black, nigga. Fuck you.

Nigga out here, you that motherfucking trans boxer in the Olympics, nigga. We know what the fuck you are. I hear beating on women in the name of the Olympics, bitch. I thought the subway was underneath our hotel. It was David arriving earlier. Get your gay ass out of here, nigga. What do you have to say to this place? You're in Madison Square Garden. Man, this shit is amazing, man. Thank y'all. It's so good that...

Madison Square Garden gets to meet Madison Round Garden. Of course you would go somewhere with a garden in the last name, you fruitcake. Right. Normally when you're around a garden, you put ranch dressing all over it. You look like the type of nigga that'll sit on a Venus flytrap, bitch. I've actually done that before and I came immediately. Hell yeah, motherfucking rhinoceros booty ass nigga.

- What? - That is true. I am a rhinoceros booty ass retard. - You can say it anywhere you get. They can't cancel you, so fuck. - No, I can't say it. - Hell yeah, man, this is a great cast. Joe got one on the Grinch's jacket. Nigga, that shit is crazy. - And you're the one that stole Christmas. And Easter and Halloween.

I ran out of gay jokes for Tony. Fuck, I gotta get him somewhere else, man. You fucking red bitch. Well, I'm sure you'll find seconds somewhere. Goddamn, Andrew helped me, motherfucker. Andrew just sitting there looking like he sell timeshares in Dubai. This motherfucker won't even help me. You fucking Abu Dhabi realtor. Go back on Tony! Go back on Tony or Joe's jacket!

Andrew, you look like you about to do the Tubi version of Adolf Hitler, nigga. Yo ass. What about Joe? Hey, Joe Rogan look like a strong-ass Howie Mandel, nigga. Joe looks like Kermit the Frogs are gay. Joe look like your elementary school teacher when you see him in public, nigga. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

- That nigga Joe teach bow and arrow, nigga. - David, I absolutely love you, but we're running out of time. I gotta get him out of here. Hall of Famer, Kill Tony Legend. - David Lucas! - David motherfucking Lucas. And as the clock ticks, that means that we are down to one.

The Chosen One, indeed. Not only is he a Kill Tony Hall of Famer, he is the record holder for all time appearances on this show, all time interviews on this show, and the streak continues week after week after week. The Iron Man of Kill Tony, an unstoppable force.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the King of Queens, the Bronx Bomber, the Harlem Heater, the Chelsea Chunkster. Ladies and gentlemen, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery!

How's it going motherfucking New York City? I actually had to sleep in the rental car last night because when I walked into my hotel room, y'all's governor Kathy Hochul was in there with four Venezuelan guys. What's the difference between the NBA and the WNBA? NBA players don't peg me.

Y'all know Caitlin Clark ain't ever gonna stop sticking shit in my blood. Okay. And for the Olympic closing ceremony, France is going to raise Jesus from the dead just so they can hang him again. It's weird. I wonder why France didn't involve the prophet Muhammad in the opening ceremonies. Newsflash, Redman thinks the spin doctors went to medical school.

Okay, that's my time. Yeah, I was talking about you dumbass. Don't look at me like that, you fucking idiot. And the streak continues for William Montgomery, already talking shit to Red Band in a stunning turn of events. So nice to be here, Madison Square Gardens!

I've never been to Madison Square Gardens before, but I'm going to be honest. This is one of the best venues. I've never been to the gardens before, but it is beautiful in here.

Love Madison Square Gardens. I mean, I've never been to a fucking... It's not plural, William. It's Madison Square Gardens. There's no S at the end. Madison Square Gardens. That's what Red Band told me earlier. He's telling everybody back there. It's fucking... Wait, hold on. I'm actually getting a call on my Bluetooth right now. Let me answer this. Hold on.

Okay, yeah, I can meet you at the Hampton Inn. Red Band, it's actually your mom. I'm actually talking to your mom right now on my fucking Bluetooth. That old slut loves fucking New York City. But yes. Red Band looks none too pleased that his mother's calling you. Oh, he's going to say something. I hope you guys have a good time. Oh, ever since we sang happy birthday to him, he's been a changed man.

Yeah, I don't know. And what's that stupid couple doing leaving right there? I mean, I'm already having the set of my fucking life right now. Who the fuck are you two idiots? Wow. Somebody kill those two. I'm having the set of my life up here right now. Okay, well. That is a weird time. Yeah, boo! Boo!

It is a long walk leaving Madison Square Gardens.

It is. Yeah, I'm so excited to get with Red Bandit's mom later and just have a lot of fun tonight in New York. I actually was at, freaking, I was trading stocks today down at Wall Street. I've lost $60,000 in the recent stock market thing that happened. So yeah, I think I might move here. I got to start working on my stocks. So Tony, we will see. And I do know stocks in Red Band's pussy are going to go, okay, abort, abort. I messed that up.

I think you meant Red Band's mom. His mom. Oh my gosh, thanks so much. What is this? What is it? Eat it. Eat it. Was that like a donut or something? Eat it. Wow. That was in your mom's pussy earlier. Oh, Red Band got you. Pure revenge. That was in your mom's pussy Red Band came up with. That's what he said. Oh, he threw it in the crowd. Yeah, who ever called that's Gideon's fault? Yeah.

William, anything else you want to say to these people? Just so excited. If anybody wants to know where I'm going to be tonight, I'm going to be at the White Castle in Spanish Harlem at 103rd. I used to live up there for three fucking months with Darla the Stripper when I lived in New York City in 2012. I will be at the White Castle on 103rd tonight.

And I ain't never gonna stop eating at that white gas! William Montgomery has done it yet again, ladies and gentlemen. And that is indeed tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Did you guys have fun? People to thank Joe Rogan, Andrew Schultz, Shane Gillis, Jelly Roll, Andrew Dice, Clay, Big J. Oakerson, Jim Norton, Dr. Phil Harlan-Williams,

Luis J. Gomez, all the regulars, all the golden ticket winners, we have to get off the stage in less than three minutes or we have to pay $300,000. We love you, thank you, good night everybody! Watch Joe Rogan's new special out on Netflix!

Tire season two coming soon and everything of course Andrew Schultz killing it around the world New York we love you to those of you lucky enough to be here tomorrow we present an entirely different show we love you thank you good night my mom's a nice woman we all have that friend who wakes up early to go get everyone McDonald's breakfast while the rest of us sleep in

This is your sign to thank them. And if you're that friend, this is us saying thank you. Just a friendly reminder that right now, get any size iced coffee before 11 a.m. for just 99 cents. And a satisfying sausage McMuffin with egg is just $2.79. Price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer or combo meal. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.