#691 - JAMES MCCANN + ARI MATTI
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Etchclay! Last night, guys, hold on a second. Hold on a second. Ladies and gentlemen, last night I gave a speech. I don't know if you've heard about this.

It was a speech about free speech, believe it or not. And I'm currently under attack. On the news, I don't know if you guys know this, but on my speech on free speech, I referenced Puerto Rico, which currently has a landfill problem in which all of their landfills are filled to the brim. I guess I'm the only person that knew about this.

And with that said, I just want to say that I love Puerto Ricans. They're very smart people. They're smart, they're street smart, and they're smart enough to know when they're being used as political fodder. And right now, that is happening, and...

I apologize to absolutely nobody. Not to the Puerto Ricans, not to the whites, not to the blacks, not to the Palestinians, not to the Jews, and not to my own mother who I made fun of during the set. Nobody clipped that. No headlines about me making fun of my own mother. Perhaps that venue at that time wasn't the best fucking place to do this.

But in any matter, to the mainstream media and to everybody trying to slander me online, that's what I do. I go hard, and that's never going to change. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Fuck yes! Make some noise for Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen. Hola! Hola!

Feels like home in here. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Squarespace, Zip-X, Simply Safe, and Game Time. How about one more time for the best goddamn band in the land? Grooveline Horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo. Did I fuck it up already? And Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez. I swear to God, this has been my band the whole time, people. Matt Muehling, everybody.

The token of the band, if you will. John Dees, ladies and gentlemen. And D Madness, everybody. You know, my band for years. Typical racist band. Typical hater of the browns and blacks. Life is good. Business is a-boomin'. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

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Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to start this evening with one guest and one guest only. This is his second time ever as a guest on the show. And he is batting 1,000%. He is one of the most requested guests for a return. He is unbelievably hysterical. Ladies and gentlemen, make some goddamn noise for the long-awaited return of James McCann. It's James McCann, ladies and gentlemen.

Famous from an unbelievable episode with his right-hand man, Shane Gillis. James McCann is back. What a privilege to be here, of all nights. Listen, I know where I'm at in the pecking order of American comedy. I can't imagine how many people must have turned this down for me to get this tonight. I'm glad those fucking cowards aren't here. I'm proud to be here on this show. God damn it!

We are so happy to have you. Indeed, there were a couple, we will not name anybody, there were a couple Hollywood gentlemen that like working in Hollywood, specifically in Hollywood of Los Angeles, California, who dropped out today. So how about one more hand for the fearless. Hey, it's Mark Gain. I'm happy about it. For the fearless.

James McCann. As an Australian, the closest thing to a Puerto Rican you could get at short notice, I'm assuming. Absolutely. I'm from an island full of criminals and we're coming here taking your jobs and I'm happy to be a part of it. I hit up every Puerto Rican I know. Nobody wanted a piece of this action tonight.

I tried to make anyone I was finding Puerto Ricans on the street saying, "Do you want to be a regular on a really big show? Can you write a minute every week?" Anything goes. It doesn't have to be good. We'll make you better. Just come on. And no one wants to play.

But James, you know how this works. Believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know what the conspiracy is here, but we have set a record tonight for sign-ups. 283 human beings are at a bar across the street hoping that a producer runs over there with a megaphone and yells their name. These names are in the bucket. It's almost as though the mainstream media is bullshit and they don't know what they're fucking talking about.

It would definitely appear that way. Comedians are excited to take a shot here at this show tonight. This is very, very exciting. And so it begins. You know how it works. If I pull your name out of a bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. It means you have to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then I interview you. You wrap up the set, I interview you. We find out more about the person. Anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. Chaos. Should be a lot of fun. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Huh? Forget it. It's canceled. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Ladies and gentlemen, performing first tonight with a brand new 60 Seconds, one of the greatest regulars in the entire show's history.

A man so fearless, so strong, so powerful that we must, we must make him an American citizen. To start tonight's show, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Mati! America, whoever you vote for is your business.

But the sign outside of your house on the lawn is fucking insane. That's where your wife and kids live. Even if you vote for Kamala, don't put a sign out there for the maniacs to see that in this house there's an unarmed pussy waiting. I'm gonna rob you out of principle. I'm just gonna walk in, give me all your shit.

Some Sam Smith looking fuck is in the kitchen wearing a mask in his own house. He's here to rob us! Some green haired bitch comes down. I'd assume they are here to rob us. That's why the sign outside my lawn has Trump 2024 with two swastikas. In this house we grab pussy, we shoot people

Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kill Tony, and that is Ari Mati. The Estonian pride of the Kill Tony universe has done it again. Absolute chaos. Ari, where do you, how do you, what is your fucking process? Where does this stuff come from? I don't know. I really wanted to have something

I really wanted to have something political, but I don't know shit about shit. Me neither, I guess. I guess that's a theme. So, yeah, I was walking, I saw the signs on the lawn, it's fucking insane. And then I tried to write a bit that, you know, makes fun of both sides. Everybody has a bit of fun, you know? On one side, there's unarmed pussies, on the other, there's Nazi rapists. Everybody has to have fun!

Absolutely incredible, Ari. I'm gonna vote for whoever lets me to stay. You know what I'm saying? Okay. I know who that is. Kamala wins, I'm transitioning. You know what I'm saying? It's her time. And if my boy Trump wins, you know I'm gonna... Daddy said it's okay. Get your pussies out.

Anything could happen. If Trump wins, I'll be at the White House Correspondents Dinner roasting the shit out of him. If Kamala wins, I will be revealing that I was a plant at the rally. Taking him down from the inside. That's right. An inside job. No doubt. No doubt.

What else is going on, Ari and Matti? Anything else crazy in life? I went to Estonia for a bit to visit my kingdom. And listen, Kill Tony fans, you're all great. But when I'm at immigration, please don't yell Estonian assassin, okay? Don't say Kill Tony while they're asking me for the purpose of travel.

Ari, you are too much fucking fun. I see between us an empty seat. How many of you think Ari Matty should join panel for the rest of the episode? - Shit! - Doing the fucking-- - I'm getting credits! - That's right. Fucking welcome, brother. - Man. - And it has begun, ladies and gentlemen. - They've got the fucking nerve to say this man hates immigrants. We are taking over this country. - Absolutely.

Absolutely. Couple of the good ones. Yeah, no, honestly, yeah. So we're going to have fun tonight, Ari. Matty, welcome back to the panel. Thank you, my friend. Here he is going for the triple-double tonight. An unbelievable performance to start the show and now joining the panel. And with that, I have made our first bucket pool of the evening.

We're going to meet them all together. Anything could happen here. Could be one of the bright future stars. Could be made a regular right here on the spot. Could totally fail. Anything can happen. This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted. I do believe the Kill Tony debut of Matt the W. Hello. H-H-E-E-L-L-L-L-O-O.

That's how me and my girlfriend speak. So I told her the other day, I was like, hey bae, come give me a kiss. K-K-I-S-S-S, sizzle. She says you're a fool. F-F-O-O-O-U-L-L. I said I know what you did, my little bro. B-B-R-R-O. She said you better run. R-R-R.

U. Uh. N. Mm. I said from U, I'd run all the way to Mississippi. M. Mm. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Matt the W coming out with a laugh there at the very end. I think that was bad. B. B. A. D.

Sometimes people have a bad first three minutes and then save it at the end. That's what I find. Hey, Tony. Uh-oh. Maybe you'd like it better if I said T-T-R-U-U-M-M-P-P. Okay, that was weird. That was weird, yeah. I like it. It's a fresh new style. Comedy's become old and stale. We're going to slow it down. This man's Andy Kaufman, people.

Matt the W, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Altogether about seven years. Okay, seven years. But that was just two sets. They went for a really long time. Wow, seven years. Where at? Mostly in New York. New York City. Yep, Long Island, but I did a lot of time in the city. When you say you did a lot of time in the city, is that... A lot of stand-up comedy. The Minutes had a...

Okay. All right. How's it going for you? You know, I can't complain. You know, starting from the bottom in a new place, just getting to know everybody. Everyone at Mothership School, everyone. I love Sunset Strip. So you moved to Austin is what you're saying. I moved to Austin, yes. I've been here about a year and a half. Okay, a year and a half. What do you do for a living? What women's prison do you work at? Well, it's actually funny you say that. It is a woman's prison. It's called McDonald's.

Holy shit! Were you involved in an E. coli outbreak recently? I've got to know, 'cause there's... Yo, McDonald's, get your boy! I was angry to learn we couldn't order the Quarter Pounder at the moment. Is anyone else furious about that? Is that a thing? Yeah, there was an E. coli outbreak and they said, "No more Quarter Pounders." But today, as you well know, my friend, the Quarter Pounder's back!

It was the onions the whole time. Q, quoi, you. No, no, no, don't do it. So what do you do at this McDonald's? I'm a shift leader. A shift leader. Yeah, so I... Yeah. I'm sorry, I just lightly manage. Okay. Tell us what a light manager does at a McDonald's. Make sure the checklist gets all done. Everyone's up doing their job well and McDonald's stuff, you know. Do you fire people sometimes?

The boss has given me the power, but I do not use it because I don't think I should. I'm not going to determine someone's fair, you know, what someone people make a living. They rely on it for their families. And I'm not going to I'm not going to end that. Incredible. Absolutely incredible. How long have you worked at McDonald's? I started in New York during the pandemic. We're actually considered essential workers. I worked the whole pandemic there.

It's not funny. You all are going to McDonald's after this, so I'll probably see you. But so then when I knew I was going to move here, I called the local McDonald's. I said, hey, you guys hiring? They said, actually, our shift leader is leaving. I was like, perfect. They said, are you a shift leader? I said, yes. And I just got a gig, you know. Wow. Amazing. So what were you doing before the pandemic?

I would bounce job to job. I actually, I was big into comedy, so I would literally, I was living with my parents, so I had that security. I would literally just quit jobs and just spend my money going to the LIR and just. Going to the what? I don't know if I said that. I call it the train. I never call it the LIR, the Long Island Railroad. And I would just spend my whole paycheck on tickets and just mic to mic and just do my thing. Wow. Okay. Is that minute that you did like a newer minute?

I've been doing that for a few months. I actually do a whole second part to it. Oh, my God. No. No.

Seven years in the industry, Matt the W. I'm interested to hear what you think your best joke ever is. Instead of doing a newer joke where you spell it out and you only have a minute and it's longer than that. I'm interested. It could be very, very short perhaps or just the root of it. What's your best joke in seven years? What's your go-to heavy hitter if you had an audition for the Tonight Show and you took the LAR to the four rail or whatever the fuck?

Like what would exactly, what exactly would you do? I don't really do jokes per se, I do more bits. You do bits? Okay, can you do one of the bits? If you want me to, it's a little long. Is there anything, is there anything kind of like... Well, I do mostly improv, improv and riffing. Like the joke you just heard, I riffed that on stage once and I edited it. See, McDonald's.

Incredible, incredible. What would be something about your entire life that we would be surprised by? What's the most interesting fact about your life? I do this. This really takes up all my time. I also make music. What kind of music do you make? Rap. You make rap music? Watch out, he's going to make you rap now. I've seen this before.

Well, geez, way to really step on the big surprise here, James. I don't know that we have 45 minutes to listen to one rap song. Wow. This is incredible. Do you rap yourself? Yeah, it's all I love to do. I love comedy and music, and I don't do much other than that besides my day job, you know? Okay. All right. I like your style. Were you vaccinated? What?

You must have been an essential worker in New York City, right? I don't think that has anything to do with what we're doing. I know a man who's trying not to answer that question when I say it. Respect. Yeah, I mean, get facts, don't get facts. That's on you. Do your thing. Absolutely. Absolutely. Get facts. Be a shift leader. So... You said that. You said that. Yeah, I said it.

I want to hear you rap a little bit. Michael, if you could just give him a light beat. Nothing too loud and crazy because I want to hear him. I can already tell he's not going to be that loud. He's not going to project. Nice and soft, guys. Nice and easy. Even slightly more easier than that. There you go.

Made in his image so get a good look I'm an open book but closed minded At times I find myself misunderstood And it gets me shook It's just how I feel inside And these kids getting kids meals food for thought You know a hungry minded adult is the result Balls of truth pass through the youth as it rains Gotta shed those tears if you wanna know the pain If there's bad blood then someone's gotta bleed Gotta air it out so everyone can breathe

♪ But violence ain't the answer, it's the error ♪ ♪ Means someone messed up, know you need to bless up ♪ ♪ What connects us? Nothing 'cause we divided ♪ ♪ By block, by city, by country, gotta reunite ♪ ♪ And give peace a chance like John Lennon ♪ ♪ 'Cause even this earth need a happy ending ♪ ♪ Word ♪ - Wow, wow. All right, wow. - Is the Chicken Big Mac gonna stay on the menu? Red Band wants to know if the Chicken Big Mac is gonna stay.

on the menu. After your performance, that's all we are curious about. I'll be honest, that's all I was thinking about as well. Wow. It's gonna be a McRib situation, definitely. It's gonna come and go. That sucks, man.

What's your living situation? I live with three other roommates, two of them comics. Another one's engineer, sound engineer. Oh, okay. Three of us from New York. Other one's from Cali. Okay. All right. You have your own bedroom? Own bed, own bath. Wow. It's crazy. Texas. No.

It's a life of luxury, Matt the W. Probably not. You couldn't do that in New York. Couldn't live like that comfortably. Absolutely. Here you are. You're a little spread out. Welcome to Texas, Matt the W, and congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. There's a little joke book. Thank you. Matt the W, ladies and gentlemen. Matt, how'd you come up with the name Matt the W? It's the take Matthew and split it into threes.

Oh my God, Matt the W. Oh my God. He is so autistic, it's unbelievable. Upside down, it's McDonald's! It is unbelievable. A little autistic comedy for you from Matt the W. It took me 10 minutes to realize how autistic he was. It is incredible.

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The pandemic may have faded from the headlines, but for some reason, the questions haven't. Was COVID actually a natural disaster?

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian out of the bucket. These people have been waiting all day for this. Let's see what happens with the stylings of Chad Mitchell Rogers.

What's up, dude? My girlfriend and I love to travel together, and when we started traveling, we would film everything and post it on social media, and we thought we were going to go viral and get famous, but that didn't really happen, and I'm starting to get impatient because I've always wanted to be famous. So I'm planning our next trip right now, and we're going to go on a backpacking trip, but this time, instead of vlogging it, I think I'm just going to murder her.

If I murder my girlfriend in the woods, I'm gonna get a Netflix special for sure, dude. Move over, Gabby Petito. There's a new dead white bitch in town. Can you guys imagine my mugshot? Fucking Chad. I love it, dude. I'm happy I'm with her, though, because I don't like dating apps. I've never been a fan of them. And I'm like, you know, how do people meet before dating apps? You know? It's like, like, how do they meet in caveman times? Was it just one dude who knew how to invent fire getting all the cave pussy?

I mean, he was the first guy in the history of mankind to get laid by using Tinder. Thank you. All right. Chad Mitchell Rogers. Welcome to the show, Chad. How are you feeling? Great. You've been on before, right? Yeah. I remember that face. How's it been going? Was it once before? Twice. Twice. Yeah. Last episode was with your mom, actually. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That sounds a lot dirtier than it actually was. My mom...

My mom has been on the panel of the show before, 77 years old, out there absolutely killing it. What did she say to you? Did she say anything to you in your appearance? I mentioned that I only have one testicle and she asked me to prove it. She is so funny.

Was it like cancer or stuff? No, no cancer, just God hates me. What happened? I was just born with only one, I don't know. That's all the news I got. But can you still like... Oh, yeah. Is there like less cum? Is there less cum? It's kind of like a shoot and like a little flag comes up. Is there less cum? Is there less cum? They want to know if there's less cum. Listen, is there less cum?

Is there less gum? We all have check bags. What do you got to carry on? It seems like a normal amount of gum. How do you know what's normal? Yeah, that's a great question. Mouthful or like one mouthful? Guys, listen. Some very important men in history have had one testicle. Men that we're trying not to talk about tonight for obvious... Wait, who? Oh, Adolf Hitler had one testicle. Really? Really?

Hitler had only one. Do you not know that song? Hitler? Is that a big Australian song? They teach us that song at primary school. Is that the...

It's the Australian national anthem, ladies and gentlemen. Why were we fighting him if it wasn't over his weird testicle? I don't-- That's what they teach us. Maybe it's different here. Wow. That is incredible. I had no idea about this. This sounds like propaganda. Is there, like, a second prosthetic ball in it to make it aesthetically look good? I've thought of-- 'Cause I've heard they do that. They do do that. They do that. I, uh, I have-- I'm, uh, I'm poor. I can't afford the prosthetic. So it's just one ball and a lot of sack?

Prove it. That's a good question. That's a great question. Did you end up with a normal size sack and it kind of just looks like an empty grocery bag or something like that? A vagina. Is there something? Yeah, it's my HE balls. I mean, the sack does feel small. I've seen larger ball sacks in my day. I bet you have. Okay.

So when you get it out, do you like tell girls just so you know? Dude, this is so funny. So I've never told a girl about it before we have sex. Like first time ever, I just, I let them just find out on their own. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Just before you're blowing him, just one fucking... Wow. Do you grow the bush out more to like hide it? I like to keep it fucking shaved, dude. Damn. Wow. Elephant trunk. Ball to the wall.

Incredible. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Is this the exact same conversation you had last time when you were on the show about the ball? Were you coming out here hoping the ball wouldn't come up again? The ball has to come up. I'm sure there's more to you than a ball. There's a man behind that ball. Thank you, James. Is there? Yes. Half a man. Who are you? I'm fucking Chad, dude. Beyond a name, more than a sound, who are you?

i just feel like i need to yell now i just wow i'm kind of fired up from ball out boy over here this is incredible where are you my other testicle wrong there you go wrong you would have thought he was the improv riffing guy that we pulled out of the bucket tonight it's blink 182 right it was the ball sack of friendship i miss my ball wow all in my skin

This wound. I know that's a very different band, but we're all doing the voice. ♪ With ball wide open ♪ ♪ Under my ball sack ♪ ♪ There is so much skin ♪ ♪ But only one fucking bite ♪ That went way too long.

I should have shaved it down a little bit, but absolutely incredible. So when you were born, the doctor told your parents, look, everything's good except one little thing.

Yep. Do they have any idea? How rare is that? Do you know how common that is? I would have Googled it when I was two and a half. I would have literally figured out how to Google and been like, what the fuck? I've actually never fucking looked it up. How did you find out? How did I find out? Yeah, seeing other balls and you were like, what's that? You have...

One, two. The best part of watching Red Band Google, the odds of having one ball is that when you type T into Google right now, I'm the first thing that pops up. Just a little fun fact.

Anyway, what is it? It's not normal to be born with one testicle, but it's possible to live a healthy life with one testicle. The medical term for having one testicle is, do you know? The what? Having one testicle is cryptochidism. Did you know that? You're a crypto guy. I knew I shouldn't have listened to Matt Damon. Fuck, dude. That's a callback. All right. Okay.

My life my baby baby, I pray for someone like you anyway got ball songs in my head So what do you do for work? I'm a bartender Okay, hi ball screwball okie-dokie you're bartending here on 6th Street 4th, okay Whoa fancy the gay bar

No, it's a sushi restaurant. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. Ball you can eat sushi or a lot of testitarians? Okay. This is a, I can't believe how happy I am right now. I love it. Absolutely incredible. So what's your love life like? You having a ball? Yeah.

I've got a beautiful girlfriend. She's awesome. Her name is Jennifer. She's the best. What does she have, like one tit or something like that? Where'd you meet her at? We met in Los Angeles. We were in the same acting studio. Okay. This does indeed sound like you're going to end up murdering her in the woods one day. Yeah, I did forget that you threatened to murder your girlfriend in the woods.

Really you darted into the testicle dig here to kind of cover up for the girlfriend murdering material. And before you started that joke, as soon as you walked out, I literally had that thought. I was like, this guy looks like he kills his girlfriend. Tries to suffocate her by stuffing his testicles down her throat, but it doesn't quite do it because he's only got one ball. I'm sorry, that's terrible. Yeah, I know.

Wow. Absolutely incredible. You guys ever do fun things together? You guys vacation or anything? How long you been with her? Before years in January. Wow. Yeah. What have you guys done? Oh, man. We've been we went to Hawaii twice. We've gone to Thailand. Wow. What'd you see in Hawaii? Beautiful water balls. Okay. I'm really chasing a dragon here that doesn't exist. You should go to bowling. I love it.

Were you jealous of all the girls in Thailand for having more balls than you? That's the new sound for when you have a good one. It's called victory. That's what that sound effect's called. I love it. This is going to go on the internet. Yeah, that's what this is. You're in it, buddy. I just can't stop staring at your, like, the whole... No, that's not the balls. That's an Ari thing. He loves men and their genitals.

You grab my thigh every time we're alone in a green room together. Yeah, I do. You have a joke book already? Yes. What size? Big and small. Well, there you go. Just like your... All right. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Chad Mitchell Rogers, ladies and gentlemen. It's all happening. Yep. Your next comedian is a very special treat. You know her, you love her. An absolute legend of the game.

This is the great and powerful Fiona Cawley, ladies and gentlemen. Here she comes. So I used to date this guy and I went over to his house and caught him cheating on me. I think the most frustrating part about that was just how lazy it was. You know, like go upstairs.

Yeah, he wasn't really a thinker, you know? He was the kind of guy that would, like, argue with me about having to wear a condom. I did, uh... I figured out a foolproof way to end that argument. I told him that my disability was contagious. But you know that motherfucker was like, "How contagious?"

The great Fiona Colley has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. All the way from beautiful Nashville, Tennessee. Hello, Fiona. Welcome back. Hello. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. Absolutely great. Fantastic. How's life been going?

Really phenomenal. I actually had chosen Fort Worth a couple days ago, and when I got to the hotel, my wheelchair broke, which is a fucking nightmare, and I was stranded and alone. And a random man recognized me from Gildoni. Oh, thank God. Yeah. Yeah.

I thought that story was going to go a whole other direction. Still go bad. Like the easiest raping of all time was about to take place there. Rape to go. Hell yeah. Did he have one testicle by any chance? So a guy found you and he helped you out? He did help me. Everyone talks about the Kill Tony bump, but they don't talk about the Kill Tony push. I love that.

I love that. What did he do? Did he jump your battery or something like that? What exactly? Did he plug you into a wall? What exactly had to happen there for that to work? What was wrong with your chair? I have no fucking idea. These chairs keep breaking every six months. I asked them, the company, what the fuck was going on, and they said I was using it too much. Oh, wow.

That's pretty cruel of the company to be making chairs that are disabled. I think they should... Just making sure I feel connected to it, yeah. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So he gave you a push and you were all good after that. Yeah, the chairs started working again.

Yeah, I think I was also scared of that man. Yeah. It do happen. I love it. So Fiona, that's incredible. What else is going on in life? How's Nashville? Everything good out there? Yeah, it's really good. I'm selling out every show I have, which is really fucking cool. Beautiful. Beautiful. You're on a roll.

- Absolutely incredible. - I met you in Nashville before you did Kill Tony for the first time. - Oh my God, I was black girl. - You were very drunk. You were really drunk, but it is a testament to how beautiful you are that everyone talked about how much they wanted to have sex with you and then the cheer. It was really, she's very hot, was all people kept saying. I thought you should know that. I don't know where your self-esteem is at. - That means a lot. - You're a beautiful lady. - Absolutely.

You're also very drunk and you kept grabbing me. But it felt bad to press charges against, you know... Fiona gets fucked up, I know. Okay, you would do. I know you're in a relationship, right? But do you ever do... Have you ever done that before? Have you ever just hooked up with a guy and had a one-night sit? Um...

Yeah, I used to be a whore. Oh, nice. Absolutely. You can't tell. Um...

Since your last appearance when you brought that up, we couldn't find any of the videos on Reddit. Dude, that has become the... Okay, it's true. What are you talking about, Redman? You're the only one that fucking Googles girls' videos after their appearance. Don't say we. Don't say we couldn't find any of your videos, you fucking creepazoid. To see all together in a dark room, I love that. Yeah. Come on, Redman. Dig it up, Redman.

Come on, Red Band. You're supposed to be the tech guy. Come on. Search it. Search it, Red Band. I love it. So how's your boyfriend doing? Really good. Yeah. We're happy. Okay. Very good. And any word on your condition? I think you were trying some new stuff last time you were on. Yeah. The trial I'm waiting on, it got paused because someone had a...

Like bad reaction to it fucking pussy. Yeah, what's a bad reaction at this point? What's chair deactivated chair shut down shut down chair what was what happened? Oh, they won't tell me

We're waiting. They said maybe mid-November, but I don't believe anything they tell me is. Right. That makes sense. We're just dying. James McCann. Look, there's at least a 50% chance this country's still going to be here by mid-November. So I'm praying for you, and I hope it gets done. Absolutely. When you board a flight, right? Yeah.

Do you look at the people who are on a mobility scooter because they couldn't stop eating McDonald's? Like, you fat tub of shit. Yeah, is there an order? Because I've seen you guys square off. They have the upper leg in that situation. No, dude, I was actually on a flight recently and I board first because I am special. And these...

obese people were very fucking mad that I was first. Wow. And it was like a weird dynamic, but they were second. Yeah. And there's like the handicap rows on the front, so I'm on this side and they're taking up that row on this side. Jesus. And then like I let this guy sit in the window seat. The obese guy? No, like a normal guy. Oh, nice. Nice.

And at the end of boarding the flight, an incredibly sick man with cancer, he was dying, he comes on the plane and they try to ask the fat people if they would move from the handicapped seat. And Red Band, what did you say? I'm kidding.

And then what happened? And they said no. Of course. And then they asked me to move. What? Get the fuck... So they really do. They have like an order to these things. Yeah. They're like, who's dying the fastest here? This is quickly turning into a sad European film. This is...

Did they make you move for the cancer? Well, no, I refused to move. That's right. But I cared about this, like, sick man, so I scooted over and now I'm in the middle seat all of a sudden. This guy is so sick, he's throwing up the whole flight. What? Where has he got to go? He has cancer. He had cancer. You're telling me sitting in the disabled section of the plane isn't all fun and games? Because I have been...

Wanting to get down there. Depends on your perspective. I'm about ten boxes of little Debbies away from getting down there personally. You'll get there before me. Do guys in wheelchairs give you like a little... Yeah, I don't fuck with disabled people. And you're like, yes, one of us has to go to the door. Yeah.

Relationship ain't ramping up at all. Incredible. Anything else we should know, Fiona, before we let you go? Oh, one goofy thing. Fort Worth, I was zooming around outside and some guy comes up to me and he goes, oh my God, I love your costume.

I was like, "What?" And he looked me, it was nighttime, and he looked me in my face and he was like, "Holy shit, you're Fiona Colley." And I was like, "Yeah?" And he thought I was in a Fiona Colley Halloween costume. - I think I have my outfit. - Expensive costume. - That is absolutely incredible. - I saw a lady in a Fiona from Shrek costume out on 6th Street.

And she was slightly fat, but not ogre fat. But I assume she had to have an argument with her friends about whether she was fat enough to be human Fiona or big, strict Fiona. She was in that sweet spot in the pocket, yeah. When I was younger, I actually liked the big, big Fiona more in the movie. Reminded you of those beautiful Estonian women that you grew up with. Strong shoulders that Fiona had. The other one was a bitch.

Fiona, we absolutely love you. It's so awesome. Anytime you show up to Austin, Texas, you're on the show. How loud can this place get for the great Fiona Cawley, ladies and gentlemen? All right. We're back to the bucket again. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool. He goes by the name of Danny Martinello, everybody. Here we go. Martinello.

I recently took a first aid course and I think I'm ready for my hero moment now. Where like, if I go out and about and I see someone choking and they're like, and then they drop, I go to them and say, hey, my name's Danny. I know CPR, can I help you? But they don't give me consent, but no consent in the CPR world is consent. So I jump into action. Some girl's like, yo, that's not it. And I say, keep your trauma to yourself. I'm trying to save a life here.

And then I jump in and I go, "You call 911, you grab an AED, are you coming back? Do you understand me?" Right? And I just have to hope they know English. Guy squirms away, "Pablo no ingles, AED." Right? And then I just start jumping, seeding compression, right? Just, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive." And then I don't even care, I'll grow a mustache, I don't need a mouth barrier, right? And then all of a sudden a guy comes out and goes, "Yo dude, his mouth's over there." And I'm like, "You shut the fuck up!"

stay with me paramedics show up and I'm like oh thank god you're here dude fuck holy shit holy shit yeah no I think it's a cerebral fluid something's coming out of his mouth man for sure yeah no it's milky yeah that's fucking spine that's spine that's it dude hilarious Danny Martinello god damn it look at that

Guns a-blazin'. Welcome, Danny. Hilarious. How long you been doing stand-up? Like 15 years. I love it. It fucking shows. That seems like a 15-year set. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, dude. I was stressing out that silence for the first 15. Dude, I looked at you and you're like, it's not going good. Right? But I just stayed in the pocket, you know? I'm like, fuck it! Boom! Boom!

Oh, hell yeah. Threw a bomb, and then luckily some defender tipped it, and my buddy caught it, so I'm like, sick. Fuck yes. Look at this little bundle of energy and testosterone. We got it. Danny Martinello has arrived. Yeah, it's fun. I like Austin. People have been thinking I'm on drugs, though, this whole time I've been here. You're not? No, dude, unless you call Christ a drug. Am I right, brother? Am I right? You know what I'm saying, bro? Keep those children in the bellies.

Sometimes it hits, sometimes it doesn't. You really high on Christ? I don't know, man. It feels like I'm playing with the devil right now after that joke. You are. No, it's fun, man. I don't know. I get it. I don't really like blanking shit, but whatever. I like you because you are an easy interview, Danny. I like this. I feel like I could just go, what else?

Well, let me tell you about yesterday, my friend. I actually used to do gigs in Canada with Danny. He used to be such a killer. Imagine this energy following that. Yeah, but I was like super shit, so all my buddies would say I was like Cyclops without the glasses, just fucking... But now I can shoot dinner plates. If they ever make another one of those Police Academy movies, I think you're going to be ready.

Yeah, thanks. I don't know what you just said, but yeah. Oh yeah. It felt right though, eh? One of them fucking movies. Oh yeah, man. Yeah, fuck that sense. Canada's a perv. There's nothing wrong with Canada.

Oh, we all want to move to Canada. No, bro, we're Commonwealth, man. We're Commonwealth. God save the king, man. I'm here too. I'm here too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking wacky white guys up here. Yeah. Can he, can an Australian and an Estonian walk into a comedy club? This is no one in this business has done more for immigrants and the disabled than Tony Inchcliffe. Yeah. That is being missed from all of these stories. Woo. Can you please tweet that? Oh my goodness.

Hell yeah. So tell us more about you. From Canada, Toronto? No, I'm from Edmonton, Alberta. Okay. Thanks. What's up, dude? That's why I feel like a whole... I've been living in New York for the last eight months, and it's just fucking brutal, dude. Yeah, well, it's just nice to be in a place where you smile at someone and they don't go, what the fuck?

It's fucked up, man. When I first moved to New York, I literally was smiling. It's like, I'm a happy-go-lucky guy if you can't tell, right? Like, no, I am, dude. I got two... Are you all right? My name's Danny. I know CPR. Can I help you? No, but I've been in New York, dude, and, like, I'm a happy-go-lucky guy, right? I live my life where I got two feet in a heartbeat, and if the sun's shining on me, my smile's shining on you, you know? Like, that's...

That's just how I live my life and I was smiling because it was a beautiful day. I don't know what fucking Fahrenheit it was, right? But like, you know what I mean? So I'm with the rest of the world for fuck's sakes. And then, it was nice, probably like, I'll say like 82 Fahrenheit. And, right? And I'm literally smiling and I heard this guy go, hey, you're smiling! That's what he said and immediately I was like, friend? You know, like I looked at him.

I did. I know he's a stranger, but a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet, right? And then he literally goes, hide your fucking teeth. No one needs to see that shit. No one's ever told me to hide my teeth unless it was, like, my mom and it, like, fell out and she's like, you're getting a five buck for it, you know? But I was pissed, though, dude, because, like, I wanted to be like, fuck you, you know? Right? Like, show your teeth. I got all mine. What are you working with, bud? Right? But, like...

But then I'm like, I'm a raw dog and no insurance in America, so I just took it. Just took it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Just took it. This is what this show is all about. James McCann. That was a better minute than sucking off the unconscious guy. Well, fuck you, James. I'm fucking nervous, all right? No, I was joking with those guys back there. I'm like, this is the closest thing I'll get to, like, the gladiator, like, arena. This is it. It is, man. You're back there. You hear... And, like...

There's people just being pulled out in wheelchairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you not entertained? She was walking when she went out there. She was totally fine before. Be careful. Oh, fuck. I thought her and her manager were going to run me over like a fucking crackhead on six. Dude, it was crazy. He's like, get the fuck out of the way. I'm like, no. Absolutely incredible. So you do stand-up comedy for a living. Yeah. And...

What else about you? My father wanted me to join construction, you know? I'm an Italian background, so... No, what is this question? Sorry, bro. Yeah, you're good. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Don't stop. Keep going. Yeah, I've been in New York for like eight months, and then...

It's fucking brutal, like, just signing up, standing in lineups with backpacks, wanting to do shit, you know? So you still live in New York? Yeah, I'm there eight months, but then I came back here, and I don't know, man. Like, the one thing that made me come here was I saw Madison Square Garden and then Ron White's speech at the end of his set, and I was like...

I don't know. I think what's going on right now is super special. Can I tell you something? You're in the storm right now. You are a perfect example of what this show is built for. Someone that can just take the ball and fucking run with it.

It cracks me up. You know, I see sometimes, I see some comedians that we've known for a long time, you know, some of these people that maybe don't align in a lot of ways with us, and every once in a while, you know, when someone's down...

or going through something, they get a little chimey on that internet. And it's so funny to see them talk shit about this show. But meanwhile, someone like you with 15 years of experience can come on here. Your life will never be the same after this. Are you aware of that, Danny? I'm hoping it's not, dude. Thank you.

I'm serious. I'm hoping it's not, man. It's like a grind as a Canadian comic and then getting here and then, like, don't get me wrong, like, I still think New York, like, as a kid growing up in Canada, wanting to do stand-up, like, that's where, you know, the hardest iron gets cut, but I'm trying to fucking ride a wave and slap a loop. But it's so clear that all that pent-up energy in New York is just coming out now. Yeah, you know? I'd love to see that. You see a lot of people in New York and they're like... Oh, yeah. LAUGHTER

Just come and go, you know? Take the rope away. I don't know, man. I just think what's going on here is fucking deadly and seeing what you're doing and I just want to be part of it. So that's why I'm here. You are. You're officially part of it, Danny. Thank you.

Martinello. Are you going to be in town Thursday? I got to go back to New York and chop some podcasts and shit, but I'll come back on the weekend. I don't give a fuck. Let me know next time, man. I would love to have you back on The Secret Show. Hell yes. Look at this. Look at this, ladies and gentlemen. It has come full circle. Make some fucking noise for the great Ron White.

Did you hear what this kid said about your speech in Madison Square Garden? I was up there and heard it. I came down here. I walk out and give him a hug. I love it. Danny, Danny, Danny, come back out here. Danny Martinello. How long have you lived in New York? Get back to that mic.

February. Since February. And before that, you were in Edmonton. No, I lived in Toronto for like eight years, and then I applied for my visa. Made the big move. Yeah, and then I just said fuck it, and then went up to the oil patch for like six, seven months to work there and stack cash for the move. What you said is that New York is always the place that you looked at like the place to do stand-up comedy. Am I correct? Yeah, but from a level where it was like...

Like you know, you're like you want to be the past at the cellar, you want to be past all that shit and then you see from like a kid growing up in Canada you're like oh this is the epicenter of like some of the best of the best but what's happening here is like... It's true. Like I thought this while I was here walking and like I don't know because maybe it feels like my... What? What the fuck are you laughing at? I'm just being vulnerable as an artist. Do you guys want to make fun of me? Can't all be dick jokes? Fuck! Fuck!

Danny, I'm going to get to my point real quick before you ruin everything. Thanks, dude. Before you absolutely ruin everything. Austin's better than New York in the sense where you can pop off more here and there's a lot of good shit. You don't have to say that. What I'm going to offer is this, is that if by some crazy fucking chance, who knows what could happen in this world as we know, but if by some crazy chance this show happens to do Madison Square Garden again,

Would you like to do a set there? Fuck yeah, baby, let's ride. So there you go. Danny Martinello. How can this place get for the great and powerful Ron fucking White? It's come full circle. Ron White spoke at Madison Square Garden, inspired him to come to Austin. He comes to Austin, says it. Ron White comes out, and he'll be at Madison Square Garden. That is, if I'm allowed in New York City again.

Only time will tell. Who knows? You guys having fun out there? Mm-mm-mm, y'all. This podcast is indeed sponsored by Zippix. Zippix believes nicotine users should have a better way to get their nicotine than smoking, vaping, or dipping. Their toothpicks are discreet, taste great, and allow you to get your fix anywhere, anytime. Their cutting-edge infusion process means the nicotine and flavoring is absorbed throughout every toothpick and not diluted.

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Okay, let's do something fun, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest regulars in the entire show's history is here. This is that moment. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the undeniable comedy stylings, a brand-new minute. This is Cam Patterson. - What's up? So, my cousin just got out of prison recently.

And some niggas should be in prison. Not all, a lot of people are very smart. My cousin is not one of those people. He should stay in prison. My cousin, he kind of raised me a little bit as a child, right? And now that people know who I am, people want to tell all my new friends about how we grew up together, right? But he don't tell none of the cool stories. Like, we used to ride people together. We had jump people together. But he got around my new friends. Remember that one time we was at your mama's house? We were humping them pillows.

You can't be telling niggas shit like that, man. That's between us. We'll do it. Listen, first of all, it was us in the background. That's gay as hell, right? What made it weird, my homegirl was like, "Y'all gay for doing that together?" I was like, "No, understand something. They were girl pillows, so it's not gay."

They had like tassels and shit on them so it was fine, right? And it was weird because like, this is the weirdest thing about the whole situation is that he don't understand like, that's not cool. You understand what I'm saying? Like, I remember, and this is why I say you should stay in prison. This is why I say you should stay there. He wanted to talk to my homegirl, right? He was like, your homegirl look good. Put me out your homegirl. So I said, yeah, more than if I will. So I told him she could talk to him and they were talking and shit. And then she was like, hey, your cousin keep choking me.

And I was like, "Why are you choking this girl?" And he was like, "I'm not choking a nigga. I'm massaging her throat." And I'm like, "They gonna put you back in prison. I want you to know that. And you should be there." That joke didn't work at the end, but that's fine. The rest of that shit did.

- Get the fuck outta here. - Absolutely. It's part of the fucking game. You gotta do it every week. This is not easy. That was fantastic. Is that true? - Yeah, yeah, he's out of prison. - How many cousins do you have in and out of prison? - He the only one that was in prison. - Okay. - He went for like an armed robbery. He good now though, he out. - Okay. - Yeah, he a good guy, man. He should be free. I believe him. - Okay.

You know what I mean? I believe in that nigga. He doing good, man. I'm proud of him. - Okay. - Hell yeah. - Is he staying with you? - No, no, no, no. He live in Atlanta. - Okay. - He just came to my show in Atlanta and shit. It's funny. He not my real cousin. - Right.

Are they ever your real cousin? Wait, you gotta wait. Listen. Is there ever really this is my uncle's child? I mean, yeah, I got real cousins that I love and shit. One day, I used to go to my auntie's house a lot when I was a kid, right? And she had like a room for me where I could stand. One day, I got in my room and there was a light-skinned nigga in my room. I'm like, who the fuck is this light-skinned nigga? And she was like, that's your cousin. That's not my fucking cousin. Who is this nigga, right? And it was her boyfriend's son. And I'm colorist, right?

What does that mean? I think all light-skinned niggas is bitches, right? So... Wow. Yeah. Yeah, right? You know what I'm saying? All light-skinned, yeah. Well, wait, what do you mean by that? What do you mean when you that mean? I think all light-skinned niggas is bitches, right? And so I told him, I said, hey, man, you a bitch when I met him, right? And he was like, I'm not a bitch or a nigga, you a bitch, right? And he was like, you calling me a bitch again? I'm gonna show you a bitch. And I called him a bitch, and then he stomped me out for like three minutes, right?

And he was like, "Am I still a bitch?" And I was like, "No, nigga, we family. Leave me alone." Right? We cousins. Why would you do this to me? I love you. And we've been cool ever since. And then we hump pillows together. That's what we did. That's what cousins do. And that's the whole joke, but it was too long for the minute. Fuck y'all online. Okay, you better. Boom.

I love it, Cam Patterson. What else is going on? Oh, nothing really, man. Just running around and shit. Doing shows, stuff like that. My grandma called today. Oh, boy.

Oh, I know. I can tell by the way you're looking at me. What does that mean? Ma, she love you still. Yeah. She still love you. She love you. She love you. I don't want to get in the Tucker Carlson corner with your girl. No, no, no. She love you. She love you. She love you. She love you. It's all good. She was just asking some questions. She ask some questions. She ask some questions. Yeah. I'm getting that. I'm getting that. And I said, Grandma's cool. She love everybody. She was like, I heard what you're saying, nigga.

'Cause my grandma say nigga too, and she love you, she love you. - I get it. - Locked in forever, you know what it is? - I get it. - I kill somebody 'bout you nigga, I swear to God. You know that. - I don't think you can say that out loud, but-- - Murder. Oh, you know I'm playing. This is obviously a joke. - Yeah, maybe an armed robbery, but not a murder. - Nah, nigga, murder. Killing somebody. You gon' be with me right, Harvey? - Yeah. - Hell yeah. - Wow. - James comin'? - Nah. - Okay.

- Hey Tony, we're gonna kill somebody. - For you, for you, nigga, I swear to God. Me and Ari. - Yeah. - Together. - Tony Hinchcliffe gang threatens murder on, I'm saying it now. - It's true. This is the closest thing to a Nazi rally I've been to in a long time. - Hey, hey, it's all good. Jesus is here, we fine now, it's okay. - Jesus is here. - Jesus is here, nigga, we good. - Oh Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that? Brown Jesus?

Yeah! Oh, my God. Has he been there the whole time? Yeah. What is wrong? What does that say about me? If I feel like I've looked everybody in the audience in the eyes at some point, all of a sudden, it took someone pointing out Jesus. Sometimes, Tony, that's what it takes, you know? He's always there waiting for you to turn to him, and you just need a friend by your side to let you know...

- He here, baby. He made it. - I found Jesus. - This is good, man. - You're doing the Russell Brand. - I found Jesus. - That's how you get out of the scandal. - Who Russell Brand? Who that is? - What ethnicity is that Jesus? Ask him for me. - Hey, what's who is, nigga? What is your race? That's not real Jesus. - Mexican? - No. - Did he say Mexican? - Yeah, he said Mexican. - Man, he must have accidentally nailed a nail through his own hand at some point.

Whoa, a Mexican joke. Whoa. Tony, if you keep doing jokes like that, you're going to get in trouble. You've got to be careful. Oh, my goodness gracious. Love it. This is good, man. I'm having a good time. We are having a good old time. I like it. All right, Matty, what do you think about your little joke? I love Cam. Yes. Come on, man.

Yeah, yeah. Why can't I go to Estonia? No, you can. I never... Oh, you heard about that. Yeah, I heard. I went here that day. I can't go. They don't like black people in Estonia. You're going to fuck all the women that now I can't fuck. Come on. We can do it together, nigga. You ever heard of a train? You ever heard of a train? The train do where? Never heard... Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Same place we started, brother. Look. You ever heard of a train? It's a girl, me, and you. We can high-five and shit like that. Oh, shit. Come on, nigga. I can't follow you, though. What if you give her, like, really good dick, and then I'm, like, for the conversation? Hey, how about you fuck her, I make breakfast? That's it. Come on. Come on. Overall package of this bitch. Who want to fuck us, man? We outside. Who want to fuck us? Yeah.

- Stop playing, stop playing! - I'll make you Gordon Ramsay type eggs. - Come on! - Avocado, bitch! - Come on, nigga! - Wheat bread! - And I'm just dropping dick off! - Hell yeah. - Going home, bitch! - Amtrak in the front, Coltrane in the back. Jesus. - Oh man. - What's wrong with that? - Don't take the Lord's name in vain. - Oh my goodness. I think after this,

Ari Matty might be one of your new cousins. He's my cousin. We locked in, nigga. Absolutely. We cousins. James, my cousin. Come on. No. No. I love you, Kent. I love you, too, man. We family, nigga. I believe so. Locked in forever. We locked in for life, not hell, yeah. Come on. For life. Watching James interact with very black people is absolutely incredible. I do believe so. I do believe so. I am in agreeance with you. All right.

The black community have no greater friend than I. I'm a great big fan. - Come on. Gang shit. We outside. - Come on! Come on! - Come on! - Ah! This is good. - Absolutely incredible, ladies and gentlemen. That is the presence of Cam Patterson. Woo! Fuck yes. We're in it tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This is a special one.

All right, we got another bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, everybody's going pee at once. Look at this, this is absolutely incredible. Wow. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. This is Benjamin Dahlke. Benjamin Dahlke is next. I went to Japan and I went to the world's largest anime store. Now, I don't like anime, but the top five floors were all gay porn, so we're good.

Everybody knows Tinder is a selector for people with problems. You'll scroll and you'll see all kinds of crazy stuff. Teen moms, girls with crazy face tattoos. Other times it's goth girls looking for men who will retrieve roadkill. Like, bitch, I'm not giving you my roadkill. I have a cat that vomits for attention. So obviously, it's a girl. I went to the Museum of African American History in D.C. When I got there, I found out you needed to register ahead of time. So obviously, no black people in there.

That's all my jokes. Benjamin Dahlke. Welcome, welcome. How are you? I'm good. How are you? You look fantastic. This is amazing. I can't believe we have Kamala Harris' stepdaughter here on the show. This is incredible. What do you weigh? You seem so light. Like 120 pounds. Wow. All right. I thought I was guessing less than that. Your wrist stays the same size the entire way up your arm.

I've never seen anything quite like it. Have you ever done anything? No, not with my arms. I made pasta today. Oh my goodness. You had a pot of boiling water? Yeah, like in my hands by itself. Wow. How much water did you boil? Was it like a little pot or was it like a big

It was a little pot, if I'm being honest. There you go. That's the actual sound of you carrying a little pot of water over to the... There it is.

Okay. So how long have you been doing stand-up? About a year. About a year. What do you do for a living? Nothing right now. I was working at a grocery store for a while. Okay. What were you doing at the grocery store? I was a cashier. That makes sense. Yeah. Hard to stock with arms like that. Hard to stock. Cereal boxes only for this kid. Okay. Okay.

So you were a cashier? What do you do now? Right now I'm looking for a job. What happened at the grocery store? Nothing. I just moved here, so I had to leave the job. Where'd you move from? Virginia. Okay.

And now you're in Austin, Texas. Yep. How much money did you save up to move here? A lot, like 20 grand. 20 grand. Damn. Wow. Shit. Working cashier? Well, it was not just from cashier. I'm also... A drug dealer? A drug dealer. Yes. It's drugs. It's drugs. Posing as a child prostitute? What's your opinion?

Sometimes they like to dress me up like a lady. I don't know. Wow. Okay. So what else were you doing to help make that money? Well, for a while I was working as like a car mechanic, but also I inherited some money. Oh, there it is. Sorry, I wanted to lie to you guys, but, you know, he forced it out of me. Easy to do. Easy to believe.

James. I was just going to say, I'm sorry that you lost someone. I wasn't funny and I stopped myself saying it, but...

You know, we'll pray for them, and I'm sure even though the money has helped you do this thing, that's a difficult time. Yeah, no, it's fine. Jesus Christ. Don't take the Lord's name in vain anymore. It happened a while ago. It wasn't recent. Okay. All right. So, Benjamin, what's your life like? What do you like to do for fun? Tell us more about you. I'm a big car guy. You're a little car. Yeah. Yeah.

What kind of cars... My goodness, even random women are bullying you right now in the audience. It's incredible. What kind of... Wow, the audience... We've never had this before. The audience is literally taking part. Hot wheels! He's a Hot Wheels mechanic.

Wow. What kind of cars do you specialize in? I know a lot about old Japanese and European cars. Compact. What? Compact. Japanese. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A car that makes me feel too small is not good. Makes sense. You specialize in Japanese cars. Your arms look like chopsticks. Sorry.

What's your love life like? I gotta know. Non-existent. Really? Yeah. Tell us more about that. When's the last time you were with a woman or a boy or whatever you're into? Stuffed animal, furry, whatever you're into. I've never been with a woman. Really? Interesting. Yeah.

That's beautiful! James McCann. He's keeping himself chaste and pure. Jesus approves, Jesus approves, Jesus approves. Mexican Jesus? I thought you were a Mexican Jesus. Mexican Jesus approves. Don't you let these degenerates tear you down into a life of meaningless casual sex that feels great. Don't you do it.

Amazing. Have you ever been on a date before? Yeah. Okay. Where did you meet this person? Where did you go? How did that go down? I met him on Tinder. It was... It was a guy. No. You met him on Tinder is what you said. I met him. I met M like E-M. The world's first virgin homosexual. If you can't get a root as a gay guy, I'm sorry. You're not trying very hard. Very true.

No, not gay. It was a girl. It was a girl. Yeah. So you met her on Tinder. There you go. Very good. So you met her on Tinder. Where'd you go? We just hung out in a park and smoked weed. It was pretty terrible. Okay. Did you strike up a conversation with her at all? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd that go down? Was it good? It went all right, and then I brought up the show, and she was just

You brought up this show? Oh, yeah. You were just like... What did you say exactly? I was just like... We were just talking about stuff and she brought up...

What's Duncan Trussell's show on Netflix? She brought up that show and then I brought up that I liked this show. That you liked this show? Yeah. And then that was the end of the date? Yes. She knew about this show? Yes, unfortunately. God damn it. I wanted to fuck you before you said that. You ruined our relationship. Did she say something about this show before exiting?

Not really, other than just like, oh. It's the worst oh face you can get out of a woman on a first date, I do believe. Wow. Oh, it's an orgasm. All right. What?

So you've been a fan of the show for a little bit? Was that the main frame of the conversation? That was a big part of it. I don't remember. This was like a year ago. It does not happen often. Right. Yeah. Do you try to go on Tinder? Do you try to go on dates? Yeah. I'm not good at it, though. I don't get a lot of dates off Tinder, really. Why do you think that is? What does your bio say? I don't remember what it says, but I think it's because I look like a girl, mostly. Okay.

You've got to pursue different women. I dated lesbians exclusively for many years. I've never dated a woman who wore makeup or perfume. You find out if their parents aren't together, and that's a better shot. And you're going to spend a lot of time in bookstores, but hang tight. Yeah. Anything else crazy we should know about your life, Benjamin? Not really. My grandpa worked at Area 51.

Tell me, is it real? I don't actually know, but... Like, what did you do? He was an experimental test pilot. For what? Uh,

So for the F-117, which was a stealth jet, and then the tacit blue, which was like the UFO from the 80s. I've got to say, with the glasses, you do look a little bit like one of the Roswell aliens. A little bit. A cute one. All right, just take it back. Like E.T. phone homo.

- Ouch. - Did you say ouch? That's a first. - He was helping me. - Yeah, the audience can tell, but from the side, I saw the thickness of your glasses. You're blind as shit, huh? - Yeah. - Yeah, you're fucked. - It's bad. I can't see shit. - Like if you lose them, what happens? - Hold on, let's see. - I don't know. - Can you look out there and take your glasses off slowly? Oh, there it goes. - Now shake your hair like a pretty librarian. Oh, he's gorgeous.

- Young Heath Ledger's turned up to the show. - It is better a little like this. - Do Americans have contact lens? - I used to wear them. - Is that singular, contact lens? - Yeah, but when it's that thick, you can't do it. It's too much. - Have you looked into perhaps getting contacts? - I had them for a while, but they make my eyes super tired by the end of the day. - Have you thought about two big monocles? I think that could be...

Benjamin Dahlke, congratulations. You were on this show. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. Benjamin Dahlke, everybody. All right. Let's get through another one here. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Mark Sinclair is next on Bill Tony. Mark Sinclair. My grandpa was recently diagnosed with late-stage dementia.

I'm just glad one of us could forget the molestation. You guys, I'm joking. I'm like 60% sure I've never been molested. But I opened with that show once, I opened with that joke once, and someone came up to me after the show and they were like, "Hey man, I really liked that first joke. It's super relatable." Yuck! I don't want to hear about your ho phase.

I should have been surprised. My little brother's always been chatty. That's my time. Thank you. Very funny, Mark Sinclair. Welcome, welcome. Thank you for having me. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years. Where at? Seattle and San Diego. You still live in San Diego? Just moved. I'm about to move to Dublin right after this. You're going to move to Dublin. I'm going to hand it off to my senior European correspondents. Dublin. Dublin. Yeah. Yeah.

Why do Dublin? I'm a citizen. I'm first generation American. Don't do that. Don't you tell my Irish brethren how to celebrate his heritage, you fucking Eastern European dog. You got the greatest blood in the world.

I've had a couple of drinks, excuse me. Looking at you, I don't think it's the greatest blood. We don't look great, but we have good songs and we get into fist fights and we let Google do whatever they want. Violent people. We're violent people. This is a shockingly Irish episode here. We have two Irishmen on this stage. We had a shift leader of the Shamrock Shake on earlier.

This is absolutely incredible. Have you had a shamrock shake before? I have not. I don't know what that is. It is a seasonal beverage that is served at McDonald's. It is green, takes place around St. Patrick's Day, has a slight mint flavor to it. There's some fat bitches out there. Do you know, do you know there was a, do you know Grimace? Do you know there was an Irish Grimace for one year? No.

They brought him out on an event and he got drunk and started talking about how great the IRA was and they buried it and never did it again. I remember that. That really happened? Yeah, I think so. I saw it on Google, so it's probably true. But you can't trust everything you read on the internet about people who incite race hatred. That's what I believe. Isn't that the truth? No better time for that to be said and known than now.

Okay, so Mark, let's talk about it. What do you do for a living? I'm a software engineer at a bank. At a bank? At a bank. Very good. And what types of things do you do for fun? You seem like a very serious man. Thank you. You're welcome. I like to go hiking and I like to binge drink. Oh, okay. Irish, Irish. What are your drinks of choice?

- Irish car bombs are very fun. - Wow. - Very fun. - You're a fucking monarch. - Is that a good Irish? - I like the fucking kiss. - Okay. - Yeah. It's a little too good. - Mark, what is something that we would be surprised to know about you? - I was put on the Canadian terrorist watch list when I was nine years old. - Fuck yes.

What exactly do you have to do to end up on a terrorist watch list? I'm about two weeks away from finding out myself. My own people cackling. My own people. How did you end up on a terrorist watch list? What did you do in Canada? Did you do something and not apologize? He's a terrorist. Okay, go ahead. I went there and I think

My name was already on the list, so they just decided to tag me along. It was just a different Mark Sinclair? Yeah, Vin Diesel's real name is Mark Sinclair, so it might have been him. Oh my God. Are you family? Wow. Oh my goodness. I don't even get the reference, but it was very good.

Wow. Mark Sinclair. So what are some of your goals? What are you looking forward to in life? Anything that you got? Some big dreams? You got a bucket list? I just want to travel around and have the most exciting life possible. Nothing really that inspirational. I love it. I love it. Well, Mark, you did fucking fantastic here today. Welcome to Coltony. I love the first joke. There's a big joke book. Thank you.

And there he goes. The great Mark Sinclair, everybody. One more time for Mark. And on to the next one we go. Is that bucket pool here? Is that here? Oh, shit. What the fuck is this? Oh, no. Oh, no. What is going on? Oh, God. God save us all. It's Kim Congdon, resident Puerto Rican roast comedian.

Oh no. Make some fucking noise for the first ever Kill Tony regular, Kim Congdon. Thank you very much. How we doing? Hell yeah. My name's Kim Congdon and I'm one of the first Kill Tony regulars and I am a Puerto Rican comedian. These are my white slaves. And I really wanted to take this opportunity tonight to do something that every Puerto Rican wants to do right now. Oh, oh, oh.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But I did watch the Trump rally, dude. I watched Tony's speech. I was a little bit upset. You know, I got to tell you, half my blood is Puerto Rican. It's true. Unlike Tony's blood. Half of his is HIV. As you see, my white slaves are holding some Puerto Rican flags. Those are Puerto Rican flags, people. They look different. They do. They have one star, just like Tony's first Netflix special. Um...

Tony, you called Puerto Rico an island of piles of hot trash, which is very close to what you like. Islands full of piles of hot boys. You for my people tonight, because I'm going to say Puerto Ricans are American as fuck. We're just like y'all. We have a lot of American contributions and traits. We love our culture. We love our music. We work in aerospace. We don't want white people on our island. We're racist like you guys. Um...

- First thing I'll say, Tony, I think it's fucking insane that you don't like Puerto Rico. It's a beautiful place and the only dirty parts have been taken over by white billionaires. It's literally Austin, you idiot. - Kim Congdon, ladies and gentlemen. Paper towels, she's throwing paper towels into the crowd. Oh my goodness, she's got a butt line. Whoa, Kim Congdon. Wanna join the panel? She's gonna join the panel for the rest of the show.

One more time for Kim Congdon. This is a special episode. I completely agree. I couldn't agree more. Great people. We love them. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome. You're welcome, Mr. President. Y'all having fun out there?

How about one more time for Kim Congdon joining the panel? It's going down. Another bucket full coming at you. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Matthew LaCour, everybody. Matthew LaCour. How we doing, bubba? Fucking do we have any mixed people? Any mudbloods in the audience? I grew up white and black, right? But I grew up with the black side. I would be self-conscious. Dude, I'd be at the cookout. It's Where's Waldo on the easiest level. You know what I mean?

Bro, but my grandma, she was amazing. She'd be like, no matter what anybody tells you, you are black, which is a lot for an eight-year-old when I don't know that Pokemon aren't real. That's all right. I got the 23 and me, 25% Nigerian. So now I can use the N word. I just got to break it down in syllables. I'll be at the cookout like, I can't believe that, neh, acting like a guh. What an er. Thank you. I'll leave you with this. I was in the military. I learned three essential things, right? One.

Never judge a book by its cover. Two, 1% every day. And three, LSD don't pop on a drug test. Thank you. What was the last thing? LSD doesn't pop on a drug test. Gotcha. Yeah, but like even when you're on it. Gotcha. LaCour? Yes, sir. Matthew LaCour, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show, Matthew. Thank you.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years, I'd say. Where at? So I was in Illinois. I was near the U of I, where I would do a mic like once a week. Champagne? Yes. Yeah, and then I moved closer to like the Romeova and Naperville area. Okay. Suburbs of Chicago. You've seen The Bean? He hasn't seen many.

- I'm kidding, I'm kidding. - Damn. - You're right. - You said you were half black? - I am. - That makes sense. - Quarter. - You look like you would Harlem Shake a baby. - That's so hurtful. - Half black, what's the other half? - Like Portuguese, just white shit. Irish, French. - Okay. - Yeah. - Way to get the panel on your side. - Hey, you know what? - I love it, I love it. What do you do for work, Matthew? - Work at a YMCA after school program. - A YMCA after school program? - Yeah, I love to bully these kids.

Okay. Yeah. I go to YMCA to work out. You do? Yeah. I don't like YMCA. It's great. Work out which gay guy is going to have sex with him, all right, fellas? Come on. Nah, Harry's straight. YMCA is from one of my favorite bands, the Village People. It's a song.

What do you do for fun, Matthew? A lot of jiu-jitsu. I actually train with quite a few of your security guards. They fuck me up. Yeah. Yeah. I saw your cauliflower. Yeah, just a little bit. When you say you're talking about the mothership security. Yeah. Yeah. And how long have you been doing that for?

Combat sports, about eight years. Okay. What level belt are you? Purple. Purple. That's pretty good, right? Supposedly. If you do MMA, you're the only guy allowed to have that haircut, just so you know. Oh, fuck. I want to come up with something for your shitty hair, but I can't. I think it's... What do you think? Too far. Sorry. I'm sorry. I had nothing. I think it's good. I tried some new gel today.

Okay. Should have seen it. This was braided a day ago. It was what? It was braided a day ago. It was braided a day ago. Wow. Okay. You seem like a real womanizer. What's your love life like? Dating somebody, actually. Really? Yeah. Where'd you meet her at? Here. Here on Bumble.

Here. Here. Yeah. On Bumble. Yeah. Austin and Bumble. Gotcha. All right. On Bumble. Is that the one where? That's the one where they have to make the move. Okay. And so what happened? She made the move and then what happened? She made the move. We met at the coffee shop. What did you say to her? Sup. Like, sup. Want to get the fuck out of here? When you don't have to say more. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Yes, he does.

No, she wouldn't mind my shit. If that's all you get out of a lady before taking her to bed, that's a crime. No, that's how she got me. I think that's a crime. I tried to kiss her. She curbed me. You look like a mean guy, but kind of... You look like if you raped a girl, you'd eat her out first. Oh, always. Is that not how you're supposed to do it?

Incredible. It wasn't rape. I saved it with 45 minutes of solid clit work. That's when they have to thank you, right? That's how you get away with it? I'm sorry. It's a joke. What the fuck? Matthew, over here. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Do you have any tricks? Do you have any...

Do you use the... I pop out the jujitsu sometimes. Yeah, I think he likes the smother. Yeah. Yeah. You do the old Waffle House hash browns. Smother, cover, pickled. Spinneroonie. Five knuckle shuffle. What are your other hobbies? I keep it kind of simple. Music, meditation. What do you do with music? Huh?

What do you do with music? I don't do anything. I just listen to a lot of music. Listen to music. Listen to a lot of music. How does this guy get pussy and I'm struggling? What the hell? You're matching on Bumble with those pants? Oh my God. Dude. Yo. I like them. They're comfy.

What scares you, Matthew LaCour? Heights. Whoa. Heights terrify me. That was a quick answer. What's the worst thing that's happened to you at a high place? When I was in the military, we were doing rappel training, and I went forward, and there was this infantry dude, big dude, right? And I'm like shaking. My legs shake so hard that I physically sat down. That's how I get when I'm around a big dude. Oh. So your legs are shaking. Yeah. And then what happened? And then I sat down, and this man was like, yo, if you're not going to fucking do it, then get out the way.

So I did it. That'll get you moving. All right. What military? Marine Corps. And what did you do in the Marine Corps? How about a hand for an American hero? Yeah!

I thank your parents for paying for my alcoholism. It was awesome. I just found out about this. What is your favorite crayon flavor? Purple. I just found out about that. That's so nice. That's a thing. Purple? Wait, what's a thing? So in the Marine Corps, the jokes between are like, Marine Corps is dumb, we eat crayons, and then we talk about the other branches because we fuck their wives.

Wow, there's another one over there. Hell yeah, absolutely. You guys are eating crayons, but Puerto Ricans are retarded? For the record, no one said that about Puerto Ricans. And it wasn't hot piles of trash. It was because their landfills are over, they are at capacity, Google it.

Google it. The mainstream media doesn't want you to know about it because it sounds terrible. I brought attention to it and I'm getting no credit for it. Because these Democrats don't really want to help Puerto Rico. It's true. It's true. Donald Trump will fix the garbage on Puerto Rico. It is true. It is true. It's going to build a wall.

Okay, so Matthew, fun times. Congratulations. Ari, what do you think? Big or little? Okay, Marine Corps, let's give the big one. Hit me with it. You think so? Yeah. James McCann, you want to put in a vote here? From the set? Little, but... Depends. This man's a fucking American hero, Ari. Sure. He's about to have to go and defend your country from being taken over by a bigger, stronger country. Sure. Which is every other country.

The votes are in. You're getting a big joke book. There's Matthew LaCour. There he goes. All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here, huh? Make some noise for him, ladies and gentlemen. It's Dallas Turner. Here we go. Dallas Turner. One more time for Dallas Turner, everybody. So right at the top here, I just want to take a moment to honor my girlfriend. She just recently died.

Um, from Fentanyl. Yeah, Fentanyl this dick in her mouth. So, uh, yesterday was a historic day for comedy. Uh, Tony did a set at the Trump rally, as you guys know. And, uh, he spoke on the Clintons and, um, you know, just personally, I, um, hope that the Clinton Foundation does not take the, uh, podcast name seriously.

No, for real though, it was really good to see you up there on that stage yesterday. It's just nice to see, you know, Trump has the support of, a solid support from the gays.

There you go, Dallas Turner using all minute and 12 seconds to the bear. Fantastic. I've always wanted a comedian with white rapper energy. Welcome to the show, Dallas. I am a rapper. You are. Of course you are. I could see the way you hold the mic. I was like, this guy's got a rap thing. A one-two, you'll never guess what I do for a hobby. Hell yeah. So you are a rapper. Yeah, my name is Lil Godd.

Oh, okay. You've been on this show before. I'm that Canadian rapper guy. That's right. That's right. I remember now. That's why I was thinking white rapper. That makes sense now. That is locked in my memory. What else about you? Anything else or should we just get right into the rap and get the fuck out of here? Do you do stand-up?

- Oh, sometimes, yeah. - Every time I see comedians on this show hold the mic like this, I'm like, okay, the minute's gonna get out of the way and then they're gonna do their thing. Yo, yo, yo. - I'm just glad the lead singer from Vampire Weekend moved on to something like this. - You do look like you've been lost in Wonka's factory for like 11 years. - It is a cool sweater. - Thank you, it's $20 at Walmart. - You don't have to concede that. It's a very cool sweater and you should be proud.

Do you ever hide in the clothing racks and like pop your head out and scare people? Oh, that was so fun. You seem like you have the face that would be good for that. Yeah, here and there, yeah. You look like someone melted Timothee Chameleon or whatever his name is. I think he looks cool. That's how I'd like to look. I won't have this negativity. You've got a beautiful bum chin. Ladies love that. That's cool. Your hair's hanging on. I respect that. You have the eyes of a serial killer. Women find that very attractive.

It is true. So let's just jump into it. You want to ask Michael Gonzalez for a beat over there? Yeah, sure. Let's try to not get too loud, band, so that we could hear him. These raps kind of get drowned out sometimes. So I have this song called Ice Cream. Oh, shit. Yeah. Sounds cool. Yeah, yeah. Who's that drowning? This is worrying. I need to find Seth. Where's my meth? I'm close to death.

Okay, all right. There you go. There's some people booing in the crowd. Some Marines booing in the audience. The ice cream man. The ice cream man. You eat it before it melts.

I think it's a fresh new sound that the radio... Vanilla! ...isn't ready for. My life's been a rocky road. I have a chocolate chip on my shoulder. Fucking cookie dough. I eat better ice cream wraps than you in ten seconds. That's crazy. Thanks, man. That's what got you angry. With this man's ice cream wraps, we're not good enough. Vanilla ice. Pistachio. Oh, shit!

Yeah, that song went viral on TikTok and Instagram. Wow, on TikTok. Come on. I should kill myself in the comments. Do you know why things go viral on TikTok? It's because the Chinese government's trying to make America stupider. Exactly. That's not something to celebrate. I still think you look really cool. Wow.

Okay. Dallas Turner, Fun Times. Fun Times. You already get a little joke book last time you were on? I got a big one, surprisingly. Here's a little one for you. Take one of those. Oh, shit. Thanks, man. There you go. Give him that. Make some noise for Dallas Turner, ladies and gentlemen. And we've come to that time of the night, ladies and gentlemen, where there's only one possible thing left that we could possibly in this wild world do. There's only one comedian that could even follow an episode like this.

He is the record holder for all time appearances on this show, all time interviews. Some people call him the Madison Square Gardener. Some people call him the Manhattan Mauler. We'd like to thank Squarespace, Zippix, SimpliSafe, and GameTime. Oh, yes. The Squarespace Strangler. The Zippix Zebra. The SimpliSafe Wraith.

salutatorian, and the game time goat. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. After hearing Tony's jokes at the Trump rally, Donald is now wishing he would have been shot in his other ear too.

Tony asked the Trump campaign if he could ever work with them again. They said, yeah, we'll contact you using this special beeper. I asked Tony if he was worried about being chased by the Puerto Ricans, and he said, no, I bought a jet ski. What did you mean by that, Tony? Dear Catholics, if the Pope is so powerful, let's see him part the Red Sea. Yay!

Okay. That's my time. William Montgomery focusing in on the super topical me situation and then a random Pope joke at the end. I know. I messed up one and I was doing pretty good with the other stuff. He was able to write 49 seconds of me material and he's like, how do I fill this in? Right.

I love it, William. That is the other ear joke is perhaps the funniest take I've heard. And I have, believe it or not-- Well, thank you, Tony. I've read about 75,000 other people jokes about me in the past 24 hours. So that's very good that you immediately rose to number one. Yeah, how are you doing? I'm good. Okay. I mean, really, I'm asking, okay.

I'm totally fine. Now, yeah, things are good. I've gotten some amazing, some very nice messages from your parents. Oh, really? Yeah. They're big fans. Francis and Larry, very sweet of them. They are very, very sweet. I've gotten a lot of support and none from you, but your parents, very sweet.

Tony, I didn't know what to say. I just didn't know what to say. Not in a bad way or anything. I just didn't know what to say, and I knew I would see you tonight. I know. I know. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Well, Tony, I actually found something that might be able to just hold over your mind for a little bit if you want. I actually, I'd always heard of the game Tetris, but I'd never played Tetris before. That is a fun game with the blocks. Wow.

I never played it before, yeah. I spent like a couple hours last night. You were playing Tetris last night. Yeah, I was thinking about you. I was playing Tetris. I was seeing how Red Band was doing. He was eating a bunch of birthday cake last night. I can't believe you ate so much birthday cake last night. Why were you eating birthday cake? It was our friend's birthday. I didn't eat that much, but yeah. You had a bunch of birthday cake? No, I just had a little bit. Janice had a lot. Did you eat any ice cream? Yeah.

Rocky Road! Fucking ice cream! Neapolitan! Did you hear the guy's ice cream raps, William? Are you around? Yeah, Lil God. Yes. The cool guy? That's who was there for Tony during the speech, Lil God. Are you just playing Tetris now, like on a computer? Yeah, well, I beat Donkey Kong Country 1. That game is hard as fuck. I beat...

Donkey Kong Country 2 flying to Portland this weekend. I finally was able to beat Donkey Kong Country 2. That is also hard as fuck. And then I started playing Donkey Kong Country 3 and I didn't have it in me, Tony. Interesting. Interesting. And then it's like this comedy of errors. I love the Pacific Northwest. Portland was wonderful. Really, I've loved it up there, but it was kind of a comedy of errors. I mean, the hotel room where I was staying, it wouldn't get above 64 degrees.

The carpet was soaking wet. I get to the comedy club. The dude getting the tickets is mead mugging my ass the whole time. I'm being really nice to him, but I'm thinking this guy hates me for some reason. The toilet breaks. I have to end up putting my hands in the back of the toilet to flush, and I was having to shit in there. I hate shitting.

But they had these washcloths I was able to use and do in the trash can. But then I was having to put other toilet paper stuff on top of them because it was just these big things of shit in the trash can. It was shit all over them.

And then the internet went out on Saturday night. Then everybody has to freaking pay at the beginning and get their two drinks at the beginning. And the show starts an hour late. Jeff Richards was there. He was wonderful. We love Jeff Richards. Love Jeff Richards. I get into the green room and he just starts mimicking me the entire time on Thursday. He's very good at that one. Oh, he's so good. The all-time great impressionist. Freaky, freaky great impressionist. Wonderful. Oh.

But yeah, it was a lot of fun, and now my voice is hurting, but we'll see how it goes in... See how it goes what? In Cincinnati this week. You're going to Cincinnati. Wow. I had a couple of friends from Estonia see your show a couple of weeks ago. They don't know nothing about comedy. They don't know nothing what's the norm. And he said you called his wife a bitch seven times, and it was the greatest show he's ever seen. Ha ha ha ha!

- Well, I wonder if it's-- - You fucking bitch! That's what you get going. Yeah, I mean, it's been throwing me off. I get these bitches who have their titties all out front, and I'm looking down these bitches' shirts, and it's like I already kind of-- there's times I don't always respect women like I should. I mean, I totally have an issue. Are you looking for one right now? Yeah, I was trying to see some titties right here, but that guy-- nah. Wow. William...

Montgomery on the prowl, eyeballing his next innocent victim. I look at him. You have to be careful around Heidi. I just look at her face whenever I'm around Heidi. I just keep my head up. Yeah, you're a fucking dickhead. Oh, look at the look on William's face.

My throat hurts and I'm a changed man. After all this Tetris, Tony, I'm feeling a lot more mellow. I swear it's really been helping with my high blood pressure. I think it's a good thing I've been doing. Tetris. Yeah. Because we had a stoush the last time I was on the show. But since then, I feel like we've warmed to one another and I really enjoy, you know. Yeah, oh my gosh. Being a warm acquaintance of yours, at the very least, I hope one day of free. Yeah. Did you guys have a beef?

I called him retarded. It was not my finest moment. And he kept making fun of my accent. I was like, what did you say, dumbass? I can't understand that. Retarded. It's like, what? There were no real clear, you know, good parties. I'm from South Africa. Well, we don't have to keep doing it, guy, but...

I was going to say... From South Africa. Here we go. Okay, we're back into bed routine, but I was trying to say something nice. I like the more that he gets you, you turn less red and he gets more red. It's like he's winning. It's like a transfer. William, what else is going on? Anything else going on? Nothing exciting. Just same old bullshit. Fucking God. Okay. Whoa, cold as ice. Yeah, I'm feeling a little...

cold at night. Yeah, it's okay. Is there anything that fires you up? Is there anything that you're passionate about other than Tetris right now? I wish, Tony. There's really not. Let me ask you something. You've been playing a lot of video games. Have you ever played Stardew Valley?

I just downloaded that on a flight and I was growing turnips and I felt like I was really achieving something. It's not Stardew. Is it not? Stardew Valley? Stardew. Oh, Stardew. No, no, I might be playing a different game. In this game, you play Jeffrey Epstein and you lure small children to your valley. Yeah. When Bobby Lee plays. What is going on? What is this music? What's happening? It's Tetris. Tetris music. Oh. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Make some fucking noise for the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Oh my God. I do believe that's the two guests that were originally booked for the show. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Little Jeremy, a little throwback. Classic Hall of Fame, Adam Ray, legendary character Jeremy.

Guys, please, for the love of God, make some noise for Puerto Rican Kim Congdon, the Estonian Ari Mati, and the Australian James McCann. Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club for the secret show every Thursday this week, Halloween show. We love you guys. God bless America. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Come on.

No matter what happens, we're here and we ain't never going to stop. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

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