#688 - RUSSELL PETERS + SAM TRIPOLI
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Oetschke! Kill Tony!

who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives huh I said who is ready for the best fucking Monday night of their lives make some noise for red band ladies and gentlemen

We are here. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Squarespace, GameTime, Hymns, Talkspace, and ZipRecruiter. Make some fucking noise, people. You did it. You're here. Live at the mothership. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the fucking land? That is indeed the Kill Tony band. Little groove line horns over there. Carlos Sosa. Fernando Castillo.

And of course, the great, the powerful, how could I possibly fucking forget Raul Vallejo, ladies and gentlemen. And Michael Gonzalez. Carne Quesadilla. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, ladies and gentlemen. John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar. Still Brian Redband. My goodness.

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Ladies and gentlemen, two of the greatest guests ever graced the stages of Kill Tony. These are guys that were with us early on in the belly room and then in the main room and then here and then there and everywhere in between. Two comedy store legends, two of the greatest touring comedians of our entire fucking last two decades in the industry. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of our favorites, the great Russell Peters and Sam Tripoli. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Here we fucking go. The boys are back. Trips. Peters. It's happening, baby. Tripoli and Russell Peters. I figured why not have a brown invasion on October 7th. That's right. Very fitting. We won't be the only ones bombing. Yeah, it's true.

There's already another brown bomber over there. The old boo guy. Hey, boo, dude. Shit, man. I fucked up when I said that, I guess. I didn't even think he was going to hear it, dude. Make some noise for my guests. They're here. Russell Peters tour starts in Chicago. Tickets at russellpeters.com. Samtripoli.com for Sam's tour, everybody. Sammy the Trip.

Two of my favorites, two guys that know a lot about the art form. You guys have been on before, you know how it works. 226 sign-ups tonight are across the street at a little bar called Poor Choices, hoping and praying that their name gets called out of this bucket. If it happens, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

which interrupts their set. I've pre-pulled a name, it actually flew out of the bucket, so we're gonna go with that one. And in the meantime, we're gonna start the show with a little standup comedy from a legend on the, how many of you are fans of the show? How many of you are here because you heard it was a hip, cool thing to do? - Yeah. - All right, fuck that person over there, little fucking piece of shit.

Well, this guy is a legend in the history of the show. I mean, what can I say? Four years ago, he was sleeping in his van, addicted to open mics. He is one of the true living, thriving members of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kemp. Thank you, guys. Good to be here.

I'm pretty good at the Tokyo Drift, obviously. I've been working on my Texas Drift. That's where I get distracted by my phone and my car goes in the other lane. Israel is fighting Palestine. I think they're on season three. When do the dragons come out, huh? They're on a midget or something. I can't wait to find out how to strap a fleshlight to a Roomba, because then it's over for you hoes. All these fucking feminists say that we have to be attracted to fat women now.

Why, so they can accuse us of rape too? Nowadays it's considered rude if you don't rape a fat chick. You gotta rape 'em. Yeah, thank you so much! Hans Gima! Thank you. He does it yet again, ladies and gentlemen. One of the all-time greats from the show. Flexing a new minute. I love it. Well written, rock solid. Look at your big happy Asian face. You're adorable. Thank you, Tony.

You know, I have a long face. I feel like father, like son. I feel like we, I'm like the Asian Tony. Wow. Incredible. I'm pretty sure. If it's your father, his last name is probably son. That is incredible that I don't believe I've been insulted more by what was meant to be a compliment. You said that I'm kind of Asian and long-faced all at once there. My sweet, sweet boy.

You are indeed my Asian son. Sam Shipley, what do you think of this young book? Powerful one minute, brother. Powerful. Open up with Asian, close with rape. That's some good shit. That's a powerful minute right there. Sounds like the 70s.

Hans, you look fantastic tonight. What's going on? I got another one of these shirts with no collar. I got a compliment on one, so I bought five in different colors. Wow. Now, fashion is just another thing. You can itemize it and just get it over with. Wow. Don't think about it. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely amazing. What's the point with the no collar thing? I don't really get it. It's a look. It's priesty. It's creepy. Yeah.

I just feel like collars are so your dad's generation and the kids nowadays, we just, we don't believe in collars, man. Yeah. It's very Enter the Dragon-ish, I gotta be honest with you. Or Enter the BTS, whatever. But great rape joke though, Doc. Oh yeah, right.

What is the fattest girl you've ever been with, Hans Kim, if you had to guess the weight of the biggest girl? And what did it take to get you there? What kind of night did you have to have to end up? First, give me the weight. Weight? Probably 300. Oh, yeah. Yeah, baby. And the episode has truly begun. I don't know if you heard that noise. That's the sound of a Kill Tony show really starting.

And here we go. We got something to work with. 300 pounds of fucking... Is it a white girl, Hans? Yes. Oh, yeah. White and... Whatever you got to do to get that green card, pal. I say, yeah. So how do you end up with a 300-pound white girl? Hans, tell us. What did you drink? Started at lunch with a little sake. And gravy. She was a Tinder date.

It was my 20s. I really was not picky. I had a whole decade where I really fucked anything and I fucked like three people. Were you doing her nails? It was a whole decade where I didn't do anything. I fucked like three people. That's amazing. Yeah, it was really weird. No one wanted to fuck me for... until you made it popular. That's true. That is true.

Comes in Hans and her sizes. Even Rick Diaz is getting laid now. It's incredible. I've been able to do the unthinkable. Jared Nathan is eating a girl's pussy right now as we speak. Just bumbling right in it. Hans, what else is going on in life? Anything else crazy? I'm having a great time on tour every weekend. I still have my beautiful girlfriend. She is not cheating on me.

You gotta believe, Hans. You gotta believe. I mean, even if she is, I get access to her whenever I want, so... That sounds like love right there. What do you think she's gonna say when she hears you say that there was ten years where you would've fucked anything and you had sex three times, one of them being...

a chick 300 pounds so your batting average was .333 with 300 pound girls for a decade she now knows that about you that you're that easy and have such low expectations

How do you think? Oh, she's calling in, the girl from a decade ago. We have her on the line. She is, oh, she's calling now. We heard her first. Red Band's so good at sound effects that the phone ring happens after the pig noises, ladies and gentlemen. It's almost like Tarantino-esque, the timelines with his soundboards. You would think he does it on purpose, like a creative genius. Yes, uh...

Is there anything you want to say to the girl? She is on the line. I don't know if you hear that. Oh, there she is calling now. Again, no, she's calling with an old cell phone now. Thank you so much. I needed that. Oh, she's grateful. She thanks you. She loves watching you work, I do believe she said. Okay. Great stuff, Hans. Anything else? I love you guys. I have a new gun. I have an ankle holster. Oh, wow.

Just watch out for that. There he goes. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Yeah! All right, your first fucking poll of the night. I don't know if you guys know how this fucking shit works, but this is where we meet everybody. Anything could happen. Could be somebody's first time. Could be someone that's here trying to make it that's been working at this for two decades straight. Anything can happen now. The whole thing's improvised. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted from Mark Pugh. Straight out of the bucket. We're gonna meet them all together, and then I'm gonna interview them.

Mark Peele! Alright, alright, let's wrap this shit up. Hey white people, how y'all doing? Alright, fuck y'all. I just moved to Austin to do stand-up comedy. I'ma move back. I don't like none of this shit y'all got going out here. This shit weird as hell. Like, you know, they say, "Oh, keep Austin weird." We can stop. Y'all don't need to get weird no more. Fuck it. I'm cool with liberal shit, but all the fucking restaurants want to say the trees and shit so they toilet tissue hard as fuck.

So when I wipe my ass, I'm like, bitches, that blood, I think I'm on my period. I don't like... I'm from Louisiana, and all the white girls got big booties in Louisiana. I came out here, no booties. I'm lying. I seen one white girl on 6th Street last week. She had a fat ass, but I didn't want to say nothing to her because her head was... She was bald-headed, and...

I didn't want to say nothing, but she looked so good from behind, so I was like, I'm going to say something. So I walked up to her and I tapped her on the shoulder. I was like, excuse me, ma'am. Can I have a moment of your time? And she turned around. I was like, nigga, that's Joe Rogan. I'm done. Thank you. Mark Pugh. What's happening? Hi, Mark. You're funny. Thank you. I appreciate it. So the only girl that you've seen with an ass was Joe Rogan? Yeah, I'm ready to go home.

I mean, in all fairness, Joe does have a pretty fantastic ass. He squats daily, ladies and gentlemen. There it is. We have him on there. I'm sure the phone's going to ring any second after. Welcome, Mark. Okie dokie. Thank you. How long you been doing stand-up? I'd say about eight years. Eight years. All of it there in Louisiana? Yeah, most of it, yeah. Okay. What part of Louisiana? Shreveport. You love it there, huh? Yeah. Absolutely. I'm going back tonight.

Are you really? Are you being serious? Yeah, I'm moving. Unless somebody in here want to give me a job, I'm going the fuck home. Okay, we're going to get you a job. Just relax. It's very easy. Thank you. It's very easy. We got you. We got you covered. What are you good at? What do you do for work? What have you done in the past? Let me guess. You worked at some cell phone kiosks or something like that. No, nigga. No, no. That's his people shit. My... We, uh... No, no. We're, uh...

We're very picky about who we employ. Yeah, it is, yeah. We know who we can trust. Yeah. I'm fucked up. See, I'm going home. I don't like none of this. I'm uncomfortable. They're not like this in Shreveport, Louisiana? No, no. What are they like in Shreveport? Niggas. Well, I'll tell you where I'm scratching off my tour. You should come. You should come. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't travel without my wallet and I don't want to bring my wallet or else there will be no wallet. I'll end up stuck in Shreveport because without an ID, you can't get on an airplane nowadays because of these people. Am I right? Those were the other ones.

So, Mark, what have you been doing with work? What were you good at? Because we will get you a job immediately. This is Austin, Texas, the center of a booming economy. I eat pussy real good. Okie dokie. Have fun in Shreveport. Yeah. We don't need you out here eating our pussies. My bad, guy. We got enough of you pussy eating goddamn fucking Louisianans. You know what I mean? I think Hans Kim knows a chick you could talk to. Um...

- It's probably your type by the descriptions that we got from her too. - Are black people eating ass? Are you eating ass? - Good for us. - For sure, yeah, yeah. - You eat ass too? - That's how I got my first kid. - Wait, you got your first kid eating ass? - Yeah, yeah. - I think you were eating it wrong. - No. You right, 'cause I gotta pay for the kid now, so yeah. - Oh shit. - You only have one kid? - Yeah, just one. - Okay. - That you know of. - See, stop. All right.

We know I'm black. You ain't got to do that. What the fuck is he doing? Black people, black people. I don't think I'm getting a job now.

How old's the kid? She'll be two in April. Okay. How often do you get to see her? I'm actually going back next week. I'm going to spend three weeks out there. Not much because me and my baby mom, we kind of got arranged. We both do comedy, but she allowed me to come out here and follow my dreams. Because I was trying to get out here before and, you know, fucked around and ate her ass and then I got a kid, came too fast. So, yeah, yeah. Are you going to tell her you hit on Joe Rogan? Is she going to be okay with that? That's not how the story went. Ha ha ha.

How long has she been doing comedy? Maybe, I want to say three years. And you again, how long have you been doing it? Eight. And you're how old? 32. Okay. Fuck yeah, man. You're doing it. Incredible. So what have you done for work in the past? In the past, I've served tables. I do graphic design. I'm an artist. I draw stuff like that. Do you draw anywhere other than on this side of buildings at night? No.

I'm really not that good at spray paint. I'm just, I'm good with pens and pencils and shit. I heard served, and I thought this was going a different way, to be honest with you. I don't have no drugs you can buy. Stop.

Mark, what's it like being raised in the mean streets of Shreveport? What's some stuff that you've dealt with or gotten away from or had to go through? Shit. There's a lot of shit I can't talk about. I'll just say that I've dodged prison and being murdered. So that's an accomplishment. That's why you like pens. Yeah.

All right. I don't know what that means, but... Ring! Ring! Oh, there's someone calling in. It's the soundboard. All right. All right. I love it. So you've been to jail? No, I've dodged it. You dodged it. You dodged that and you dodged murder. For sure. Amazing. Your own murder? Yes. Okay, good. Yeah. Well, that's good. I tried suicide once.

How'd you try to do that? Uh, tried to fuck a fat bitch. So what you're saying is Hans Kim's a survivor? Yeah. That nigga's Beyonce, yeah.

Yes Amazing stuff. What do you do for fun mark? Comedy other than shit like I said, I draw I do a lot of creative stuff. So I like yeah, you know That's pretty much it. I'm born as hell any other special skills or talents other than stand-up you ever do Yeah, but I don't want to say rap and they are make me rap. I

- No, I don't wanna hear that either. - Is rap one of the things? - Yeah, it is. - Well, let me tell you something. I know a little bit about Louisiana rap because I was a young buck when the No Limit Soldiers were a thing. - For sure. - And you know what I'm talking about? - Yeah, yeah. - So I mean, I have to hear something. So you tell Michael a beat and then you rap. One, two, one, two, three, four. - I don't know no beats.

That is a terrible beat. Can I get another beat? That's pretty cool, yeah. Get another one. What do you want? Remix it. There we go. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, Mark Pugh. I can't catch... Look, speed it up a little bit. A little bit lighter, Michael, so we can hear him. Yeah. Why y'all keep adding shit to it? I'ma try. I'ma try. I just moved to the city. I really like sucking titties.

- Good. - Wait, that's the rap? Jesus. I guess we're all rappers. Amazing, one of the greatest rap performances of the last decade, ladies and gentlemen. - Hey, give it up for One Bar Shakur. Where's P Diddy when we need him? - Yeah, yeah.

- Not here. - Oh my goodness gracious. That was almost impressive, Mark. - Appreciate it. - Amazing stuff. - Thank you so much. - But you are a hell of a comedian and a very, very funny man. How long you in town for? - This week I'm leaving on Saturday morning. - What's the longest set you've ever done?

Like two hours. There you go. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Boom. And you got a big, cool, handmade joke book. Make some noise for Mark Pugh, ladies and gentlemen. That's good. You just got a gig out of it. That's as good as it can go. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Heidi, can I get another one of these Mama Jammas? One of my drinks? Mmm.

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K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y for $20 off. That's why. Download GameTime today. What time is it? GameTime. All right, your second bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Sarah Sloan. 60 seconds uninterrupted by Sarah Sloan. And we're going to meet her all together. Make some noise for Sarah, everybody. Sarah Sloan. I look like the type of girl that would have accused Harvey Weinstein of sexually harassing me.

But like nobody would believe me. Harvey would look me up and down and be like, "I'm sorry sweetie, you're just not worth the legal trouble." But he's a bad man and I would be required to give testimony and I would talk about the terrible things he said to me in the hotel room. He said things like, "What are you doing in here?" "I asked you to leave 15 times."

Don't take your socks off, your feet aren't sexy. No, I'm never gonna make you the star of Ant-Man Goes Trans. A lot of guys have been calling me mid lately, talking about my appearance. At this point, I'm just grateful they're calling, am I right? Thank you for calling.

Yes, Sarah Sloan, welcome, welcome. Very funny. How are you? - I'm doing great, thank you Tony. - Awesome, how long you been with standup? - Two years now. - Two years, that's incredible. What did you do in between then and Wayne's World?

What have you been doing this whole time? I love it. What do you do for work? I work at a medical school front desk, so I'm really just trying to find a husband that way. A doctor husband. Just hoping some sick guy comes in, like, this will work. Do you flirt with him? Has your chlamydia cleared up yet? Amazing. Do you meet a lot of guys doing that?

No. They're Asian, so they can't really see me. You're such a character. So rarely do we see the truly self-deprecating female comedian, right? You know what I mean? It's like they kind of dabble in it, like, oh, my pussy's all slutty and beat up. But you're different. You're like a female Rick Diaz, like, oh, man, I hope I survive the day. No one runs anything but this. I like this.

So rare, such a rare bird. Have you always been like an awkward, silly, funny person? I really have, yeah. That's what everybody tells you, right? My mom especially. How about your little brother where you stole that t-shirt from? You dress like, you always dress like you just got out of the medical office? Or a test. Honestly, yeah, yeah. It's amazing. So tell us, Sarah, what have you been doing with your life? You just started stand-up two years ago. What else have you been up to? Yeah, I

Well, I wanted to move out here. I moved from the East Texas area, Tyler, Texas. This summer I moved. And so, yeah, I had to get a job. I finished a degree, all that. What did you get your degree in?

Masters of business, but I don't know anything about business. So yeah. Great stuff. Yeah, super fun. Great job. Our college system working perfectly. It really is a joke, sadly, yeah. Amazing. So what do you do for fun, Sarah? You seem like the kind of girl that likes to sit at a coffee shop all day and do nothing. You almost had me pegged. I usually am visiting my family at home and then going to church and stuff like that. Whoa, you go to actual church? Yeah.

- Usually twice a week. - Twice a week? - Yeah. - Well, it ain't working. - Wow. My goodness. Do you go there just to get molested? - No, no, Tony, she's not actually a boy. - But with that confessional screen, you could pass, right? You could fucking do a little impression. Hey, it's me, Billy.

What kind of church is it? It's a non-denominational, so like, woo, you know, like a, raise your hands in the air like you don't care. Really? A lot of gay flags in that church, huh? Well, there is a lot, like literally on one side of the stage there's paintings going on, the other side there's like waving the flags. What kind of flags?

It's not, it's like a, it's like a, like a, it's not like an American flag. It's just like, you know, one of those like colored flags that you just, I don't even know how to describe it. I'm sorry. Like an urban comedy show. Just black comedy show. It's going crazy. It's towels. Oh, praise Jesus. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Jesus be trippin'. Nailed it. Where there was one set of footprints, it's because Jesus be trippin'.

That band is amped up tonight, folks. There's a lot of confidence over there. The remix of the sound effect, hallelujah. So, Sarah, have you ever tried being a lesbian? It's the question that everybody in the room wants to ask. I, as the host, have... I have to do it to you. The world wants to know.

It's the same reason why everybody wonders why I'm not gay, but I'm fine. I'm not up here complaining like you. Have you ever tried it? Have you ever thought about it? Do you want to kiss Tony? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. Take your shot. No. Nice. Lips or no lips, she's kissing. Party off, Garth. Party off.

Have you ever had a lesbian experience? No, I have not. My suite mate did ask me one time at a party. She was like, do you want to make out? And I said, you really don't want to. And that was the most, that's the furthest I've ever gone. So why did you say you really don't want to? Are you a bad kisser? Because I really didn't want to kiss anyone. Oh, you really didn't want to? Yeah, I don't. So you're like, you really don't want to. I want a man and I want a man bad. Wow. When's the last time you were with a man? Look at me, Tony. Oh.

When's the last time you kissed a boy? Never had my first kiss, Tony. Nuh-uh, no way. That's not true. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sam Tripple. Yes, this is where we send in Sam. I'll do it. Would you like to give Sam a kiss?

I don't... No? Okay, no. Stop the music. Stop the music. Consent's a big deal here on this show. Stop the fucking music. This chick literally looks like a lawsuit. You're gonna... I was there to make it and they took advantage of me. Next thing you know, this Armenian guy had his tongue down my throat. I was squirting holy water out of my church pussy.

- Oh, this guy's seen enough. I'm outta here, goddammit. You don't make fun of the Lord and Savior. - That's usually what men do with me. - You're funny. She said that's usually what men do with her. They just go, "I'm outta here." - It's so weird that you've never had sex 'cause you totally have a, I'm a teacher that fucks her student vibe, you know? - I see that. I do see that. - Stay after class, Michael.

Oh, there's the bell. And Michael's just like, no, I'm good. Amazing. It's not worth it. Is that really true? But Sarah, you've had like a boyfriend or something, right? Like other than fifth grade and whenever I was like lying to my parents and the furthest we went was holding hands under the cafeteria table. Like seriously, nothing. Why? Perhaps the best timed air horn in this show's history.

Oh my god, I love it. I do actually have a crush on a couple of the guys that work at the mothership. I'll just look at them. Well, I'll tell you right now, I hope one of them's D-Madness because the other ones don't want to fuck with you.

Sometimes I crack myself up. I don't care if you guys are on board. The only kind of guy that would want me is a guy that can't see me. So yeah, D, if you're willing. I made that joke 28 seconds ago. You might be good. He's into personality. No, he would touch her face. He'd be like, I just realized I got plans.

Oh, I forgot something I gotta do, baby. I'm sorry. Yeah, he's like touching the screen.

What would be weird is if you hooked up with him, it would be your first time, and they say once you go black, you never come back, but you never went anywhere, so you'd be good, right? Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's a good point. Once you go black, you never go back is also what D-Madness' eye doctor told him. Unfortunately. Oh, shit. He's smiling. We're having fun back here. We're having fun, baby. Do you think it's the religion that makes you not have sex, and what kind of porn do you like?

Wow. Yeah. There you go. I don't watch porn. Oh. Why don't you got to start?

I've watched like scenes from movies, but that's the furthest I've ever... Yeah. Porno movies or regular movies? No, no, like regular movies. And if there's like a kissing scene, I'm like, oh, that's very attractive. What's your type? If you could go on a date with any type of guy, what type of guy would it be? What does it look like to you? When you read... You do read like romance novels or something weird. You have a look like you have a stack by the bed with a fucking...

With one of those fucking full handgun massage guns. Like fucking. I would say probably like every time I see Ari Matty on the show, I think he's very attractive. Oh my. Like he's very, very attractive. He's looking for some green card.

Relax, Matt Muley. I think we found his way into America. This is one time where the green will not mean go for him. He'll be like, I'm good. Or he's like, back to Estonia I go. Sorry, had good time America. Got to go now. Oopsie daisy. First flight out in the morning.

- All right. I think you're absolutely hilarious, Sarah. - Can I do one thing for you? - Oh my goodness gracious. Here it is. Here's the big twist. Here comes a big twist, everybody.

I could do a horse impression, so I just wanted to like do it. Fuck yeah! Okay, okay. A horse impression? Absolutely I want to hear this horse impression. There's no one less stable on this show than her. We're not going to say nay to that. Ah, that was a good one. Okay, ready? Awesome! That was awesome. What the fuck was that? That was amazing.

That was the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen! Oh my god! Well... Oh my god! Now you know what kind of cock she likes. Holy shit! I have never seen so much pent-up sexual energies in the impression of a horse before. You know how to like, you're like a little teapot.

You're so worked up. You need dicked down so badly that you are morphing into a whole different animal. She's going to squirt hay everywhere. There's a movie called Mr. Hands. You should check that out. Oh, Sam. Yes, you should. Sam, there you go. Leave me alone, dude. Jesus. Yes, yes, yes. Sam, you crossed the line. It's just a classic. Okay.

Sarah, you got a big joke book. That horse impression, something else. Do you have any other impressions? Kamala Harris, same thing. Oh, yeah. Oh, I like that. Political. Do you want to hear it or I can go? Yeah. Okay. Okay, so I do it where she's talking about like, she's describing the Ukrainian-Russian war. So she's like,

Ukraine is a smaller country and Russia is a bigger, more powerful country. So, Russia invades Ukraine and that's wrong. Do the horse one more time. That's the greatest thing ever.

You live here in Austin now? I moved late June. You moved in late June. You know what we're going to do? I'm gonna do something special right now. My friend, at the H-E-B Center on New Year's Eve, at some point during the show, I'm bringing you out only exclusively to do an impression of a horse.

Ladies and gentlemen, you just watched a woman who I don't think has ever been fucked correctly in her life find out that she is doing something at an arena in her hometown on New Year's Eve. This is the comedy capital of the world. And you know...

In this great country where there's so many great things and great opportunities for free speech. Yes, that's what I was looking for. Thank you. In this amazing country where some people have no... Around the world, there's a lot of people. You never get a chance to do your horse impression.

They don't allow that in a lot of places, but goddamn, you just saw a lonely woman get the opportunity of her life. How about one more time for Sarah Sloan? - You have a horse impression? - Not like that! I'm not following that horse impression. That's the Dave Chappelle of horse impressions. I'm not going up after that. Show's over.

The show is over. How was Kill Tony? Well, we got through two comedians, a chick did a horse impression, he retired. It was the end. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Drea Lee. 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then an interview with Drea Lee. Thank you. I'm Drea Lee, and I'll be your childless cat lady for the evening.

Which I suppose is a step up from crazy cat lady. And since so many people are having an issue with what the definition of lady is, and I don't want to be accused of any stolen valor, full disclosure, I have had a hysterectomy, which is for a tumor, not trans. And on a man, I like things a little more au naturel down there. Foreskin, not hair. It's kind of like a reverse mullet. A little longer in the front and shorter in the back.

Once I was dating a guy who, from a country I didn't know a lot about, so I did some research and found that 92% of the men were circumcised. So cut to the first time we were fooling around and drunk me blurting out, disappointed, like, hmm, Wikipedia said this would happen. Thank you. Okay, Traylee. Oh, my goodness. This is incredible. What a transition. You're like...

We went from horse to whores. Yeah, absolutely incredible. You're like if Sarah Sloan ever got fingered as a growing girl. That was like NPR. Yeah, it's incredible. I don't know what is going on here. It appears as though there's some type of liberal festival happening outside. People are just stumbling in here.

Drea Lee, welcome. How are you? I'm good, thanks. How are you? Good. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? This is my first time ever. First time ever. Really? All right. I've never called a sex hotline before, but I'd imagine you have the voice and the face to be that type of person. I will take that as a compliment. Yeah, when you say things at the very end, you kind of just say, Drea.

I do a thing where it's like, yeah, you know, I like that. It's kind of like weirdly hot and then I look at you and everything's okay afterwards. You completely calm down. Completely calm down. Seems like she'd be, all right. Okay. Drea, what do you do for a living? I used to do cat grooming, so I just used to shave pussy. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, that's a funny twist on crazy-ass cat super lady. Yeah, and then... You're like the final boss of the video game Cat Lady. You're the cat lady the cat ladies take their cat to. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Disgusting. Keep going. Yeah, and then...

We've lost the room, ladies and gentlemen. The one thing they agree on is they are creeped out by cat groomers. What else? Yeah, and then it was COVID and I got really sick. With COVID or the... They said no, but they diagnosed me with chronic fatigue syndrome, which is...

Just like they don't know what's wrong with you or how to fix it or anything. Where were you during COVID? Working like 70 hours at the cat's place slash a grocery store. What city? Calgary, Canada. Right. So this brings me to my point. It's funny. As a Canadian, I heard her say something. She sounds Canadian. We're in Austin. What do I know? Well, I heard chronic fatigue syndrome and I thought Canadian. Yeah.

That's where I thought of it, because they forced you to get vaccinated multiple times. It was pre-vaccine, and I didn't know that I was a good child. I was like, "Shut up. Just take the vaccine. Wear your mask. Get paid to stay home. Stop complaining. You're ruining it for everybody." -Yeah. -So, wait, what?

I didn't know that, like, I just believed, you know, the news is real and people were telling you the truth. Right. Right. So how many times did you get vaccinated before you got, oh, Jesus, three times? Three times? Oh, wow. Well, you had to get two. I also traveled during that time, so I had to get them to leave the country. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And then you got chronic fatigue syndrome. No, before. It was before I ever got vaccinated. So did you get COVID? They said no, but we couldn't get tested. I actually ended up paying for a test later that they shipped to America for the later test, and they still came back negative. So explain to us, how fatigued is chronic fatigue syndrome? I could barely stand for 15 minutes in bed, ridden for almost two years. Holy shit. Yeah, it was super effective. So when you're having sex, do you just knock out at some point? Yeah, yeah.

So what did you do? What was your life like? The hospital, I was fainting all the time. It was all sorts of different other things. And the hospital was like, you have to stay here or go somewhere else. So they were like, I had to move back to my parents. Where are you with it now? Mostly okay. It's...

If I do a lot, you kind of feel it. Try not to do too much. Yeah. That's incredible. So it just slowly is getting better, fading away? Yeah, I worked on it a lot, I feel. How did you work on it? Sunlight and exercise? Yeah.

I'm not trying to be funny. I'm literally guessing. Because it sounds like depression. Yes. No, it wasn't. I was like, literally, it was overnight. It was like one day completely fine. Next day could barely even stand. Like there was no people were like, oh, you were run down. You're working so much. I'm like, no, it was not a rundown. I literally was a different person the next day.

Do you think it was all the uncircumcised penises, maybe? Was this Canadian healthcare that told you this? They ever tried to get real healthcare? No, that was Canadian. You son of a bitch, Brian! No, I joke that chronic fatigue is, they don't know what's wrong with you, and if you don't have pain, then that's what they give. If you have pain, you have fibromyalgia. I am, believe it or not, signing with Red Band on this one.

Did Canadian healthcare is crazy. Did they try to convince you to kill yourself? No, I actually just found out because my dad actually passed away recently and his there's like MAID which is medical assistance in dying and if you sign up for it you have to sign up from the beginning so you can't change your mind in between. So you could have something where it's like cancer but they don't know if you're going to be okay or not and then

It could be like years. But if you sign up for the one, you can't have the other. So you can't even change your mind. So if you... Yeah, I just found this out. Is it assisted suicide? Yeah, assisted suicide. Canada. Canada? Canada has killed thousands of people, I do believe. Just for the record, that's Calgary, Alberta. I'm from Toronto.

No, it's a real thing. Canadians, they help you kill yourself. I haven't been gone in a long time. It's wild. It's wild. Luckily, I'm in a green room very often with Joe Rogan, so my news is crazy. It's like real. It's the actual news. You can't really get it anywhere else. Maybe Tripoli's conspiracy-filled Twitter. Sam, you must have a conspiracy about this. Yeah, it's not real. What do you mean? Which one?

So is this your make a wish? Is this what this is, your make a wish? No, I actually, I just started watching this like in the spring. It was like before he did the roast, so I wasn't that lame. But yeah, and then I got tickets to the early show actually tonight. And then we just went over across the street and signed up for tonight. So you took like a comic who is like working really hard to go try to make it. You're like, fuck it. I sleep a lot. I'll try fucking stand up. It's fine. Yeah, still try to stand up. Yeah, sort of laying down. Yeah.

So you're a Canadian here illegally taking American jobs. Is that what you're doing? I'm not getting paid for this. We have a lot of people in the room that are doing that already. You white illegals. Everyone's going after this fucking Taliban-looking motherfucker over here when it's these guys taking the good jobs. I know I have little sympathy when I'm at the border and they're asking me questions and I'm at the airport like, do you know what's happening on the other side of the border? How dare you ask me how long I'm staying and where I'm staying? Yeah.

Do you have a problem opening your mouth fully? That's what's... I think it's kind of... By the way, just a little update, a little fun fact. In 2022 alone, there were 13,241 people...

Assisted suicide in Canada, accounting for 4.1% of all deaths, and that number went up 31.2% since 2021. The numbers are not in for 2023 yet, but going off of a 30% growth of the year before, you can imagine about 16 or 17,000 people a year being killed.

in Canada, by Canada. Just a little fun fact for you. They are literally killing themselves. So all the praying helped America. Weird clap, by the way. Weird clap. Tony, um...

With the exchange rate, it's less. It's, uh... That's true. It equates to 212 American lives. That's what I'm getting at. One drink. What do you think that number would be if the Maple Leafs actually won a fucking Stanley Cup? Do you think that number would go down? Maybe in Toronto, but... I love you. You're... I can only... It's a very toothy blowjob. Yeah.

Drea, here's a little joke book. There you go. You got it. She can't catch that, but she sure can catch a restless leg, whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. Chronic fatigue syndrome. There she goes. Drea, ladies and gentlemen.

A strangely interesting lineup so far tonight. We're going to cleanse our palate a little bit, ladies and gentlemen, from these ladies with glasses, white ladies with glasses. And we're going to switch it completely to one of the superstars of the show, ladies and gentlemen, one of the most powerful regulars in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson. Woo!

I recently went to an art museum and they shouldn't let me in places like that. 'Cause it was terrible. I don't know how to take in art. I was looking and I was like, "That's just gay." I didn't have a good time. I didn't enjoy it. I saw a lot of titties. That was cool. I counted eight of them. I touched three of them. They were close. They were hard as hell. It's weird to look at art from old white people. It's strange. I'm thinking to myself, "Why he got on a wig?" He thinking, "Why is this nigga free?" Right?

They confused, I'm confused, we just lost at the same time. It was a lot of dicks too. That was, I didn't like that a lot. I didn't, that's why I don't enjoy the dick. Why would you let somebody scope you with a soft, that's crazy. And they were like posing and shit. Like you wanna see my soft dick, go ahead and look at my soft. I wouldn't take a picture of my dick on Flaccid. I would never do that. Let alone let somebody chisel away at my dick with stone. I would kill somebody, dog.

and my pubes and shit, I will fucking murder you, dawg, you understand me? And people say, they was like, well, they enjoyed having small dicks back then, 'cause that mean you was real smart. And I'ma tell you something, I would've went to Harvard. - Another great minute from the great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. - Fun stuff, you go to a lot of museums? - Hell no, nigga.

I did a Sam Tyler festival and they were like, "You gotta see the art museum, it's so dope." And it was cool. It would've been better on mushrooms, but it was nice. Yeah. Which festival was it? Sam Tyler's festival. He just did a festival in Arkansas. Oh, okay. Yeah, that shit was crazy. It's in Arkansas where they started Walmart and shit.

Yeah, they're good. Y'all ever been to Bennett? You ever been to Bennettville? No. Bro, I was mad because the original Walmart was closed. It's usually open, but it was closed. And I was upset because I couldn't go there and steal, right? Right. Because I want to go for the one they started it all. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's like storming the Capitol for a black person. Looting the first Walmart. I mean, that is just... They do that on the day after Thanksgiving. Yeah.

They knew I was coming, they were like, "Close that shit down. That nigga on the way, dawg. Close that shit the fuck down." What else about Arkansas? That must have been wild. That's different. Nah, it was cool. That was it though. The art museum and Walmart and shit. I seen a dude that was over 24 years old riding a bike with a helmet. I thought he should have died. I don't like that at all. I think that's fucking stupid, dawg.

If you a grown man, you wearing a bike with a helmet, you should die. I think that you should die. Were there a lot of black people in Arkansas or were you one of the exhibits at the museum? There's a black man over here, ladies and gentlemen. Well, black people live in Arkansas. Black people in Arkansas. I just know. Not in Ventureville because they don't let us live like that. But there's black people in Arkansas. I believe it. Yeah, they're called the Razorbacks.

The football team. That was funny. You piece of shit. Texas took that like it was a racial slur. God damn. Yeah, they are racial, man. I like that. That was good, man. Yeah. So you're a black guy with a little dick that does mushrooms? Well, let me tell you something. First of all, I'm joking. Number one. Oh. That's a joke. My dick is huge. Uh.

I gotta say that, bro. I have to say that. Respect. Yeah, I have to say that. Yeah, my dick huge as fuck. It's big. Big as hell. Big as fuck. Congrats. Stop looking at my dick, man. It's huge. If you keep looking at it, it's huge. If any of you hoes stop looking at it, it's huge. Look at, hey, camera. Big as fuck. America. That's how you stand when you got a big dick. Rumors are in that it is so small. Hey, let me tell you something. I'm getting word in my ear. Let me tell you something. It's in your ear, nigga. Nothing in your ear. You're a liar. It's huge.

I don't know what you said right there. - Hey, take some. - How's everything else going? Cam, what else is shaking? Anything else crazy going on? - Shit, not really. Just on the road a lot. Just run around and shit. That about it. You know what I'm saying? - Yep. Yep. Love it. - Yeah, yeah. - Russell, you've seen Cam before? - I've not seen Cam before. I met him in the green room just now, but that's about it. - Yeah. - Good job on your penis, Cam. - Thank you. Thank you. You know what? Thank you so much. Thank you. - I'll just give you a pound if that's all right. - No, no, no. - I don't know what you was touching before that, Cam. - I don't touch none of this. This the one I do my best.

Whoa, he's a southpaw. He's a fucking lefty. That's odd. Let me tell you something. I lied. This is the one I'll be on mute with. Oh, shit. I'm a liar. Only this part of my hand feels dirty. My goodness. This is good, man. Cam, you're an absolute superstar. We love you. Everybody loves you. The great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving along.

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$50 off with code Tony at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. Your next bucket pool has been on this show numerous times. Kind of a legend in Kill Tony folklore. A wild, wild character. Let's see if he's got a new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of Swiggy. Swiggy is back. Fucking Swiggy. Yeah, dude.

I work at like this barbecue restaurant and like I banged this like fat chick when I first started working there but then like years later she tried to like make fun of me and she was like the next morning when I woke up next to Swiggy he was all cuddled up next to me I'm like yeah like why wouldn't I be you know like a big

comfy pillow you fat fucking bitch like fuck out of here dude I be treating fat bitches a lot like menthol cigarettes like you know how if like all your buddies smoke regular cigarettes you might go out and like buy a pack of menthols that way like you know like they don't want to bum any off you that's why I fuck fat bitches that way my friends don't want to fuck them you know like as you can tell like all my friends are white like I wish I had black friends I'd be like smoking the cigarettes I want you know alright

I remember being in the car with these two chicks once, and they were having their own conversation. One chick's going like, oh my god, this guy, he's a fucking weirdo. I swear to god, he probably jerks off to you. Another chick's like, oh my god, he probably does jerk off to you. The whole time they're having this conversation, I'm thinking, no, I've jerked off to both of these bitches. I'm hanging out with them. I'm probably the real creeper, dude. Fucking swaggy.

Wow. Starts with a swiggy, ends with a swiggy. Wow. Swiggy, I can tell you, no one's ever gonna steal your material. That is one-of-a-kind stuff. Some real woman-hating stuff.

You know, Hans really set the tone for fat chicks tonight. Yeah, I was thinking that. I'm like, this is a fat chick heavy episode. Oh, speak of the devil, there goes a lesbian right here. Look at this big meaty bitch. Holy shit. Oh, geez, Lois, you better get to that bathroom quick. That was like a glacier movie right there. Wow. I don't know which restroom that thing's using, but the toilet's about to go. Bye-bye.

That shit's about to get... I love how he tried to sneak through. Like, that was at all possible. Did somebody go out and hate Kool-Aid? Because he bolted. That toilet handle's about to be jiggly because he's going to break it. Back to Swiggy. Tell us what's been going on. I got to tell you, Swiggy, honestly, even though it was fucking kind of diabolically evil, I loved that minute. The way you're delivering it, you're kind of standing there in the pocket and...

doing your own thing. Like I said, talking about shit no one's really covering. Kind of self-deprecating, but also funny. Very good. It's smarter than the shit you used to talk about years ago. I remember you. That's your best set. Smarter? There you go. That's coming from Red Band, who hates you. Red Band hates you. Red Band openly, aggressively dislikes you. Me thanks.

The swiggy part. You sound like a vacuum cleaner right now. He looks like a methed out Sam Tripoli. He looks like a mathed up. Which is a normal Sam Tripoli. He looks like a mathed up Sam Tripoli. Oh, shit. Swiggy.

All right. So what have you been up to, Swiggy? Tell us about it. I've been working a lot. I got my own show going on at Swigfest at Shakespeare's. We do like a wet t-shirt contest. All right. All right. What else other than comedy? What else? I work a lot at like the Franklin's. That's not really my work. They told me not to mention my work on it. Yeah.

Perfect. You nailed it, Swiggy. I've been banging fat chicks, took a fisting class. I don't know, it was pretty well. You took a fisting class? Yeah, it was on like FetLife. I like signed up for it. It was on what? FetLife. It's like some like fetish, like online. Okay. So you signed up for an online course on fisting? No, I was at her house. Like I went over and like.

This bitch is in like some polynormous relationship. I like met her husband and shit. Like, I don't know. How many people were at this class? That's what I was wondering. It's a one-on-one class. I was wondering like, am I going to like make friends in class? Like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a one-on-one class. Swiggy, I believe you went on a date, Swiggy. A fetish class. Some chick wanted to get fisted. So wait a second. Hold on. This is unbelievable. You are an interview fucking oil mine. I got to tell you, this is just like there will be blood and they have that one set up and the kids like on the roof, everybody's chilling like, yeah, a little bit of oil's coming out. Doof!

You just are a fucking geyser. Oh, shit. Speaking of a geyser, look at this fucking... Hey, Quagmire, why'd you leave the seat on? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. Does that look like the chicks you fuck? Nah, dude. What?

That is a menthol cigarette if I've ever seen one right there. So, Swiggy, tell us more. Where were we just now? Fist in class. That's right. So you arrived at the fist in class. It was maybe like an hour class. She told me, like, take notes. And I was like, I'm not fucking taking what? I'm like, yeah, I'm like, I don't know what.

I don't know. There was like a demo after. I had to put like a glove on and show her like a recent STD test. But like, it's pretty crazy. I don't know. Like she taught me like some shit though. I know like the clitoris and like the fucking G spot. But there's apparently like an A spot on the other side. And like I was hitting that like she was in like the doggy position. So I was hitting like the G spot with my pinky. And then I was hitting like the A spot with my thumb. Wait, if you go G-A-G-G-G, I'm pretty sure it goes get over here. I had it.

But I was moving my other fingers because the vaginal walls are tight, grass-plate around there so they can feel the tendons and stuff. Oh, I could talk to you all night long. This show's just got three hours longer, everybody. We're about to get a fisting class. You look like both sides of Gaza right now. That's what you look like.

And we do not want to see you strip. All right. Fuck yeah, Swiggy, you're in it. So this class ended with you fisting her? Yeah, it was like a fisting demo at the end. I had to wear like a glove and whatnot. What kind of glove? Like a latex. Freddy Krueger? Nah. Have you watched it? Yeah. Hell yeah.

Did she make any noises when you were fisting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. Was that the noise that she made? If I find out this is the fucking horse chick from earlier, you put a fist in her nose. Wait, that other girl had a hysterectomy. Wait a minute. It was a fisterectomy. Was she chronically fatigued after you did this? Yeah, she was like... She's fucking out. She's a wild bitch. She's got...

Did it sound like this when you fisted her? That's Tom Segura after breaking his arm, ladies and gentlemen. Special noise. This show is great, dude. Fuck yeah. Tell us more about Swigfist. Fest. Yeah.

I can tell you if you want to do it, there's going to be a wet t-shirt contest, there's a hot dog stand, there's going to be 15 comedians doing five minute sets. I overbooked the last set. Everyone was doing short sets, but we had the wet t-shirt going on. It's pretty cool. There it is. I was right, except there's less hot dogs than I expected. Swiggy, what's your actual...

What's your actual love life like? Is there a woman out there that you love or you're just out there? - Not at the moment. I was in a relationship for like seven years. That was like a while ago. But like lately I've been banging a few different chicks. I just banged some fat chick like the other night. - When's the last time you talked to your mother?

Pretty recently. Oh, okay. She's been on the show before, huh? Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good. I just got her to sign up. I thought it'd be funny on it. Yeah. Turns out she's like some old lady. Ding, ding. Did she see your stand-up? It was like, I gotta fuck that guy. Yeah. She doesn't like it. She thinks it's a little vulgar, honestly.

- A little. - Yeah. - But she like supports it though, which is, I don't know, it's not her thing. - Mom's classy. - You're like, "Mom, that really hurts my A-spot." - All right, well Swiggy, what can I say? You already have a big joke book, right? - Yeah. - Yeah. - You got another one? - All right, fuck it, I already got one. I'm gonna need another one 'cause I already got one. - There goes Swiggy, ladies and gentlemen. - Fucking Swiggy! - Hey, I felt fisted.

All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, is on the inside. It represents one of you. It could be you. Maybe you have the courage to sign up. 60 seconds uninterrupted coming from the audience's very own Jacob Hatzinbuehler.

So my dad is a drug addict. It can be interesting, but it can be fun. Usually watching him try to do the dishes, just fend it out, just can't even handle it. He's always burning food.

One of his favorite foods is Rice-a-roni. The slogan is the San Francisco treat. Usually I'd come upstairs and I'd just see him against a counter, lit cigarette, big twisted tea, opening the pack of basketball cards that he got when my mom was sleeping. Trying to pull the LeBron James so he can finally get his life together. I oftentimes go to Whole Foods. I see a lot of hot women.

I'm just glad that they are finally eating. An adorable set. Jacob Hatzenbuehler. Welcome, Jacob. Thank you. Hell yeah. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy? This is my first time. His very first time. Amazing. Jacob, I love it. How old are you? I'm 26. 26. What have you been doing with your life up to this point? A bunch of stuff. Okay. Well, you can start listing them off. You're on the show live right now.

We're from Montana, so we do a lot of skiing. There is no we. You're by yourself. Stop looking at them. I'm nervous as shit. Stop looking at this table of fucking billy goats over here. Look at this shit. Just a mustache with a ball cap on over here. That's his buddy. That looks like John Holmes from here. That's exactly my buddy right there. Just a human mustache. Look at that fucking guy. Jesus Christ. He just cut it this morning. He looks fabulous. I love it. So what do you do in Montana? What kind of tractor are you riding?

The sweet sounds of Montana. It sounds exactly like that. What do you do for work? I package weed. Okay. All right. Weed packager. How long have you been doing that for? About four years. Okay. What do you do for fun? Moonshine? Moonshining? A lot of skiing. Okay. I used to skate a lot. Nothing super...

Super interesting. It's pretty boring over there. Do stuff like this. Where'd you get that cool Sopranos shirt from? I just ordered it a few weeks ago. From where? They deserve a shout out if you can remember. It's Fantasy Initiative on Instagram. Okay. Less interesting than I thought. I was hoping it was Sopranos based official merch, but I guess not. Okay. Jacob, what's interesting about you? Was this all true about your dad? Yeah. He was burning food? Doing dishes? Sounds like he was taking care of your ass. Yeah.

He was indeed. While doing drugs? Yes. We're talking about heroin? Yeah. Fentanyl? Probably. But you know for sure heroin? Yeah. And he would nod out while making some rassaroni. Yeah. And that basketball card thing's real? Oh, yeah. All right. Where's your dad at now? Back in Montana. Okay. He's chilling right now. Yeah. Does he have any idea that you came here? Nope. Why not? Because he's doing heroin.

When's the last time you talked to him? I talk to him every now and then. Yeah? Yeah. You live with him still? No. Does he usually stay up at about this time? Why don't we unlock your phone and see if we can't get this guy nodding out. Sam, pass this down there. Unlock this gentleman's phone. What do you think? You think dad's going to take our call? He might, but I don't... Let's take a chance. We're going to take a chance here, Jacob.

I don't, I don't. Oh, you have the phone. Don't throw four phones at once. Mustache is coming up with some wild ideas. I'll throw all of you. Come on, let's do it.

Fucking creep. Uncle Rico. I love it. So what are your thoughts on what's about to happen here? You think your dad's going to be disappointed if he finds out that you just talked about his heroin addiction on the biggest show in all of the industry? I don't think so. Perfect. So which one is it? We're just going to unlock all of them and go for it here? How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? All right. This is going to take about an hour and a half. We have...

You just push it on. Yeah, you got to kind of. There you go. Yeah, we're going to figure this out here. How old's your dad? Early 50s. Does he still work? Yeah. What does he do for a living? He's cleaning schools right now, I think.

- Cleaning, so he's a janitor. - Yeah, he's a janitor. - I love it. And you're packaging weed. All right, that is not the phone. We are playing a little game of Chinese roulette where you have to figure out which Apple iPhone is Jacob's. - It's all Android with these guys. - This guy does not want to call his dad. He said no to four phones already. We must be close now. - No.

Let's keep opening phones before we repackage them we could do that at any point we are We're gonna do All right here we go so Jacob here's the plan here's what you're gonna do you're gonna hit a

go on the phone call. Oh, you have to turn it back on. Okay. You're going to hit full send phone call, right? You're going to hit it to speakerphone and you're going to go all the way up with your side volume. Then you're going to take the phone like this and you're going to put the bottom of it

No, the bottom. It's the bottom, Red Band. I love that you're in charge of sound on this show. Just relax. I got this, Red Band. No, no, no. When you're on speaker, it's that's fine. Sam also thinks the other senior correspondent also thinks we got a Red Band. You ready to do this, Jacob? I am. What's his name, by the way? My name, Jacob. Jacob Sr.,

- This is absolutely beautiful. - I'm the third. - This is a segment we call, Call a Heroin Addict. Very exciting stuff. The call is going into Jacob Hatzenbuehler Sr. Here we go. - He won't hit you. - Right up to the bottom of it. Flat, like flat in the middle. Yep. Jacob. -

Oh. That was not it. Yeah, that's a voicemail. He's had many numbers. I'm going to try another one. Hold on. Wow. Did that say something about SoundCloud? I have no idea. Okay, try again. What do you have your dad's name under? I got one more. He switches numbers all the time. I have no idea. Welcome to Verizon Wireless. Oh, you're fucking... All right, Jacob. Well, that sucks.

That's it. There you go. Jacob Hatzenberger. Here's a little key chain. There you go. We tried. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes phones are shut off. It only took seven minutes for no phone call. No big deal. Who's paying attention? You guys still having fun out there?

Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Brandon Michael. And here we go. A lot of these comedians have been here all day. Here's Brandon Michael. I'm gonna give you guys a little fair warning. I just took two baby aspirins, so if I seem a little shaky up here, I apologize in advance. A fun fact about me, I can't really smoke weed. No matter how hard I try, two puffs in, I immediately start feeling like Forest Whitaker's left eye. Alcohol is even worse.

I don't think I've had enough hardship to properly enjoy my alcohol, but I think for me more it's the taste. The other day I had my first IPA, it was so dark I had to chase it down with a child support payment. So I can't wear plaid, I've noticed that, yeah. The other day I went on a work dinner to Benihana. They sat us at a table full of lesbians. At the end of the picture, or at the end of the dinner we took a picture, I couldn't fucking find myself. That's my time though, I appreciate you guys, thank you. Holy shit.

Brandon Michael, how are you, bud? Good, how are you, Tony? If I seem out of breath, I ran over here. If I seem out of breath, I ran here. If I seem a little shaky, I took baby aspirin. If these jokes don't work, it's because my sense of humor's off. Accurate. You're like the excuse guy. What can I say? What can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? Tony, if you didn't like that line, it's because I had a Gatorade at lunch. That's accurate.

He's like a Jewy Redman. Get it together, cocksucker. That means a lot coming from Chris Christie. I appreciate that. Thank you, sir. Wait, which one? Oh, no. My bad. I guess we're at the wrong point. Who was that directed towards? I was just... Russell Peter? You called Russell Peter's Chris Christie? He's a Blue Jays fan, too. I revoked that statement. I apologize. Oh, my God.

Are you blind too? I didn't see you just turned at an angle. I'm not Bill Nye the looks around the corner guy. I didn't know. Crazy roast joke. You obese white politician, Russell. The fat American guy. Oops.

Good one, Tony. It means a lot coming from the powered forward for the Lakers. You're fucking wacky, dude. I apologize. Okay. You do apologize, so you're Canadian. No, I'm actually, I was born in North Carolina, raised in Chicago. North Carolina, raised in Chicago. Is that where you live now? No, now I live right outside of Oklahoma in Anna. Okay, what are you doing there? What do you do for work? Right now, it's mainly been doing stand-up and just DoorDash here and there.

Okay. The mostly DoorDash. You would be surprised. You would be surprised. I opened up for Holtzman not too long ago. We're crawling. We're crawling. Apparently you opened up a Coca-Cola before the show. What happened to that shirt? That's accurate.

Is your shirt also your jizz rag at the same time? If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret. That's the only downside, you know. You're a silly guy. How old are you? I just turned 27. 27. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? So I'm a big sports guy. I'm in there. Anything from like NASCAR, football, soccer, baseball, hockey, I'm your guy. Wow. You're my guy? Oh, yeah. 100%. When it comes to sports, yeah.

Oh my goodness. So you like athletics, but you don't actually do athletics. I was actually quite an athlete back in the day. What kind of athlete were you? Catcher? I was a quarterback. You would never know, now I know. You were a quarterback? I can throw a piece through a Cheerio. I'm telling you, no question about it. Shut up. I swear on my life, Tony. Yeah.

I promise you'll shit your pants. I promise you. I'll shit my pants. You'll have a full diaper. You're so good at sports, I'll shit my pants. What can I say? You said it, not me, Tony. What can I say? You're full of catchphrases. You could throw a pee through a cheerio. Oh, yeah, with one eye closed and my pinky behind my back. I'm telling you. You have the spirit of a 98-year-old man.

And the back pain, I promise you. Back in my day, I could throw a beat through a goddamn Cheerio. A 26-year-old with a fucking grandpa trapped in your body. I'm getting there.

Holy shit. So you went from quarterback to quarter pounders real fucking hard. I wish I could disagree. I'm going to be honest. I wish I could disagree with you, Tony, but I can't. I got damn dead. I stopped playing sports and I started eating a lot. But that doesn't mean that back in my day I wasn't doing something special. I'll tell you right now and I'll say it again and I'll say it a thousand times before and then I'll

tell you. And you'll see one day you're going to shit your pants when you see that I'm telling you the absolute truth and there's nothing about it that I wouldn't change for the world and if I did change it, I'd change it back a thousand times over and if I did that you wouldn't even know. You are out of control. You're good at everything except for the comedy part. You're everything except funny. Have you ever thought about running for political office? He's not thinking about running at all. I'm going to go door to door.

I'm gonna go door to door. I'm gonna dash from door to door. I'm gonna go from door dash to dashing the doors for you, the people. What can I say? You're full of catchphrases. What can I say? What can I say? What is your ethnicity? I'm just white, but like kind of a little heavy. Heavy white. Heavy what? A heavy white? I think that's what they call it. I read that somewhere. I tell you, I think I read it somewhere when I was looking at the periodicals on the dailies.

What can I say that I haven't read a thousand times before, Tony? It's got a sports almanac in his back pocket. Oh yeah. That's actually an erection. We'll cross that bridge later, I guess. We'll cross that bridge when there's a bridge to be burnt. That's actually the sound that I hear in my head after every single one of my lines. It's absolutely incredible. And you can't spell incredible without credible, and that's what I am, Tony. Touchdown! That's the bell from Jermaine Taylor Kelly Pavlik, round 11.

Oh, I know that. Mickey Mantle, 1947. You're not that far off. That's what's embarrassing. Absolutely. That's the part that's embarrassing. So it is incredible. Russell, you've performed in the Middle East many, many times. Correct. And it is very dry out there. Have you ever seen anywhere drier? No.

What's drier, there or the pussies in the room when this guy came on stage? - Hey, you would be amazed. - You would be amazed, Tony. I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this right now. Tony, I know what you're thinking. Tony, no, no, no, Tony, no. I know what you're thinking right now. But let me tell you something. I could throw a pee-pee through a Cheerio. I'll absolutely get laid with anyone, anytime, anything. And I'll tell you this. Once you go with me, you never go back to anything.

Do we have a catchphrase for that? - Not yet. - You have any special moves in the bedroom that you like to do? We learned a lot about the G spot, the A spot, and this thing I've never heard of called the clitoris today.

I have one called, ouch, that's my fucking ankle. Okay, how does that go? Explain that to us. If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret. You know what I'm saying? Don't, if I don't... You're out of control. I could talk to you forever. This is unbelievable. I promise, man, I'm telling you. I am not a... Dude, I fucked up running here. You know how much... When's the last time I ran, people? Let's be serious. You fucked what? I fucking killed my fucking lung, my kidney. What?

You know what I mean? I'm pretty sure I got osteoporosis running over here. How do you have osteoporosis? I'm telling you, I was high-kneeing it. I'm telling you, I was trudging over here. You were running over here? That hurts me. That hurts me. That hurts me. I'm going to be honest with you, you've hurt me. This guy's an animal. Jesus. Out of the trees like a Keebler elf. Jesus Christ.

This guy's a madman, I'm telling you. You are the funniest, unfunny person I've ever seen in my entire life. This is a fucking anomaly in the history of the show. He is both extremely not funny and extremely fucking funny at the same time. You grab the biggest kid and make him do a 40-yard dash and then say you got 60 seconds. Sonny, I was hanging on. Okay, I'm going to be honest with you.

I could have beat Rich Eisen running here. You know what I'm saying? I was trying, Tony. He's like a pager in Lebanon, you know? He's an ironic kind of bombing. Yeah. And he is going off right now.

I revoke what I see. He's a Blue Jays fan. I'm fucking, that's all me, Russell. I apologize. I am. I don't watch baseball at all. Oh, geez. Now I'm back to where I stood initially. I take it back. I stood by what I said. And here we are. Here I am. You know what I'm saying? Back as the governor of New Jersey. I thought we had something. You were wearing a jean jacket. My mom wears jean jackets. I thought we had something. And now you lost me. You know what I'm saying? Tell you, Russell, I was going to be your best friend, but I changed my mind. I was going to. I swear to God. I changed my mind.

What I do with the Toronto Blue Jays, what I do with a treadmill, I stand by it. I don't get on it. I don't get on it all the way, but I stand by it and I stood by you. And now I don't stand by you anymore. Now I'm going out to get a protein shake. What can I say? It's the best part of the gym. Sometimes I go there just for the protein shake and then I leave. I don't really need a workout. The protein shake gives me energy. What am I gonna do? I'm gonna have some steps. I'm gonna get some steps in that thigh.

I've never had a 13-year-old boy play me so accurately. Actually, I'm pretty sure... Shots fired. Shots fired. I'm pretty sure you have been played by a 13-year-old boy before. I don't think his cholesterol... Tony, are you calling me a predator? Because I am not and I never would be.

I don't do that. I've watched some games with some kids before. I thought I ought to kick a field goal a couple times. I used to do that too. If I ever lift my leg that high, Tony, I'm telling you. It'll be a fucking crazy day. What is your accent? None of the places that you've said have given me this...

Boston Sports Radio. Tony, if I said it once, oh, it's a bit of Chicago. How long were you in Chicago for? I think like four or five years. Only four or five years? You learned a lot with all this wisdom? I had a kid tell his brother once, his mom's so fat, Thanos had to snap twice. Those kids are crazy down there. You learn quick. I'm telling you, Tony. I'm telling you, Tony. Tony, I'm telling you. I'm serious. You need to get t-shirts made. Tony, I'm telling you.

Can I just call you that? That should be your stage name. Brandon Michaels. So boring. You should change it to Tony. I'm telling you. Oh, first name. Tony. Last name. I'm telling you. The king of non sequiturs. Yeah.

Tony, I'm telling you, and I swear to God, and I wouldn't swear to God if he was here, but I swear to him right now in real life. I mean, the figure of speech, not the actual thing. I would never do that to the Lord and Savior Jesus. I'm not too religious. I'm not too religious. I do enjoy watching Passion of the Christ backwards, though. Sometimes it's so nice to watch those Romans help Jesus get down from there. I'm not a fucking shithead, sir. And God, and God, and God.

Finally. I keep looking back. He's not like this. You're not.

So wait, how long have you been doing stand-up? Only about a year and a couple months. Where have you been doing it at? Mainly hyenas. That was like kind of my open mic club, yeah, and I've kind of expanded a little bit. And that's where you're based out of? I'd say I've expanded a little bit. Oh, that's accurate. You and my doctor both, pal. You and my doctor. You're a silly fucking goose, dude. Basically around here in Dallas. Close with your father? No, he was kind of, you know, one of those...

I just, I couldn't do it. You ask him a question, it turns into a fucking speech. You know, we just... Your dad would go on long diatribes. Yeah, I just, I couldn't do it.

I'm honest. Tony, I'm an honest guy. I don't know what you want me to say, but I'm telling you, I'm an honest guy. I'll be honest with you forever. I'll be your best friend. I'll teach you how to throw a fucking military missile right through a fucking carabiner. I don't have the hands for that. What? I feel like that would take a lot of, like, using needles and shit. That's not really me, Tony. I'm going to be honest with you.

What he's saying is he's not dainty. Yeah, thank you. Russell gets it. He's al dente. Yeah, he's al dente. The day I'm dainty, you'll be Jewish. You know what I'm saying? There's no way. Don't try to be funny, Brandon. Be you. There is no try. There is only do. I am not that guy. I promise you. See what I mean when you don't do it? It's unbelievable. You don't even know how funny you are. Thank you. Words my father never told me. I appreciate you, sir.

He's to the 20, he's to the 25, 30, 35, 40! Alright, alright, Red Band, Jesus Christ, okay stop

We're gonna get him out of here. Brandon, any parting words? Any last thing that you want to say? How do you feel this went? How do you... I'm gonna be honest, I kind of shit the bed early. But I think you guys saw I can tell a joke and I'm not an asshole. You know what? You know what I always say, my friend? You know what I'm gonna say right now? Shitting the bed is one of the side effects of taking two baby aspirin before you come up here. Prescription strength. Prescriptions... Wait, stop. Stop.

How do you get prescription strength baby aspirin? Why are you saying that without a smile on your face? I'm telling you. Tony, I'm telling you. What do you want me to say? I had a headache. Someone had prescription strength baby aspirin. I'm high on fentanyl right now. There's no such thing as baby aspirin prescription strength. That's called aspirin.

That's what they want you to think. Our senior aspirin correspondent Brian Redband here. The bionic man. He's been looking for baby aspirin his whole goddamn life. Oh, shit. You are unbelievable. There's nothing I can do for you, but... Maybe we get him a box of Cheerios. Yeah, that's true. And so he can throw a pee through it. What do you do for work again? I've really just been DoorDash. And I work DoorGuy at Hyena sometimes, too. But why Dallas? Why are you there? What do you mean?

I'm not exactly in the financial infrastructure to pick a place and just go, ah, there. You know what I'm saying? Okay. I'm a Dallas guy. But what- We're roughly Dallas. Why are you roughly a Dallas guy? Well, we originally moved here my senior year of football. Who's we? I moved with my mom and dad. Right. Your mom and dad. Around 2014. And then I've just kind of been here since. Okay. And you were a Friday Night Lights fan.

Yeah, you could say that. One time we ran out of power, but we'll fucking, we'll brush that under the rug. You know what I'm saying? I gotta get you out of here, dude. I give you a big joke book already? No, I appreciate it. You got it. You're just too silly of a goose. Fill that up. Brandon Michael. Brandon Michael, or as I'm gonna call him from now on, Tony, I'm telling ya. The Kill Tony debut of Tony, last name, I'm telling ya.

It's a wild show. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chase Mote. Here comes Chase Mote, everybody. All right. I've been thinking about sobriety lately. I think alcohol makes you dumb, but I think weed makes you autistic. I got a buddy that can identify any car, make or model, every time we smoke weed. We'll be driving, I'll be like, oh shit, dude, is that a cop? He's like, no, that's a Toyota Scion.

We'd be driving, I'd be like, oh shit, dude, is that a cop? No, that's a Ford. They stopped using Fords in 06. We'd be smoking, I'd be like, oh shit, dude, is that a cop? He's like, bro, you're in my living room. Lately, I've been on the Delta 8 thing, you know, the legal weed. If you don't know what that is, it's like classic weed with a few things replaced, removed, or modified. You know, classic weed, a few things replaced, removed, or modified. It's like trans weed. It's trans weed.

I had a buddy that was like, is this real weed? I was like, that's transphobic. He was like, is this legal? I was like, for now. All right, thank you. All right. Chase Mote has a super fan over here. This is absolutely incredible. How high are you, sir?

Thanks. You're fucking drunk. Absolutely amazing. Hi, Chase. How are you? I'm doing good, Tony. Good. How long have you been doing stand-up? Going on four years. Where at? Alabama. All of it in Alabama? Yeah. Have you been on the show before? I was on the show before. I don't like to talk about it. Okay. All right. What happened? I don't know. You called me the Birmingham bomber. Ah. Yeah.

I thought that had a lot of like 16th Street Baptist Church vibes and I didn't like it. Okay. Well, welcome back, Birmingham bomber. Thanks. Hey, if it sticks, I'll take it. All right. What do you do for work? Right now, I drive for Amazon. Okay. Yeah, driving for Amazon. Does your friend know what kind of car that is? It changes every day, dude. It's a trip. It's wild. Okay. Is it?

I think so. Sometimes it's a Ford. Sometimes it's a Sprinter. Sometimes it's a, you know. That's crazy. Well, the cops haven't, dude. Amazon just got on the Ford Rams. They have the widest cargo space. Okay. Y'all don't care.

Chase, what else in life? You still live in Birmingham? No, I'm here now. I live here. How long have you been here? Like four months. Okay. What's your living situation? Me and my wife bought a house. I live with my wife and my kid. We bought a manufactured home and a manufactured home community. What does that mean, manufactured home? It's like a trailer park without wheels. Okay.

That's it. Storage container, right? No, I mean, it's a trailer. They make it look nice. No wheels. No wheels. They bring it in and then they just leave it on the cinder blocks. It's stuck there forever. You can move it.

But it takes a lot of work. I think money, but yeah. I want to do the work, but it takes a lot of money. Right. Absolutely. That would be the sound of it. Yeah. So how old's your kid? He will be four in January. And how long have you been with your wife?

Eight years, going on eight years. Eight years. What does she do for a living? Reverse mortgage loan processor. So she's kind of the breadwinner in the family? Hell yeah, dude. My goodness gracious. The pendulum has swung. They're making the money. Yeah, definitely. What ethnicity is she?

She's a white. Okay. She's a white. He's from Alabama. Yeah, I know. I just wanted to see how he would say it, and it came out best case scenario. She's a white. She's either going to be white or related to him, one or the other. I just love how it starts with an H down there in Alabama. She's a white. A white. A white. A classical white. A white.

Okay. And so she is the breadwinner. So you have to keep her very happy, right, Chase? You have any tricks to that? Yeah, I got so many tricks, dude. I got so many. Rattle them off for us. All right, rattle them off. I'm super kind to her. Gay! We have a gay man, ladies and gentlemen. All right.

All right. He has come out of the closet. Look, I love monogamy. That's what I'm about. Wow. He's a gay lying man, everybody. A gay liar. Pants are on fire because he's flaming. Yeah, it's got to be hot. Okay, how else do you please her? Do you have specific questions?

Yeah, keep going. All right. You know, I talked about listening to her feelings. I'll initiate a lot. I'll initiate the dishwasher and sex. I'll initiate sex. If the roles were reversed. Right. And you're reversing mortgaging. She's a dirty Amazon delivery driver. Hell yeah. Right.

Do you think you would be the same person? Do you think you'd be as nice? Do you think you'd be as giving? Or do you think you'd be like, bitch, give me some food. Oh, if I made all the money, would I be nicer? Or would I be meaner? Well, no. Would you be exactly as nice as you are now? Would you be slightly, just ever so slightly less nice?

Yeah, probably. I mean, I don't know what the... Yeah, absolutely. No, perfect. I just wanted to get that on record. No, you got to watch your tongue if you're not making the money. I think women learn that and now we got to learn it. I just wanted when your wife's watching this, I want her to be like, God damn it. What the fuck, Chase? My wife's mouthy as fuck. I didn't say that. I did not say that. What do you do about that?

I go on the road. - Perfect answer. - The Russell Peters tour starts next week in Chicago, russellpeters.com for tickets. Most interesting thing about you, Chase? - Oh, I knew it was coming. Can I rattle them off? - Sure, yeah. - Just your ticket. I won a high school drag show. - You were right about the gay. - For the record, I called him gay nine minutes ago.

The other heel just dropped. It's not... Drag isn't gay. It's just a... pretend.

I don't know. Pretend gay? Sure. Sure. No, it was in high school. My high school put on a drag show. Was it drag racing or? No. They were like, the only way to have drag in schools is if the kids do drag, I guess. I don't know. So the only way they could have drag is. I won. I won. Well, you're the best one. Yeah. How many of you want to see him reenact his drag show from? Yeah.

This is goddamn unbelievable. I'm just glad it's not in front of school children. Well, this was. All right. Freshmen and seniors. Let me set the scene. I'm a sexy cop. That's the police officer. The vice principal just read off how I like to beat guys with my naughty nightstick, all those things. So I walk up to the mic. Two words, boys. Spread them.

Oh my god, I regret this. We were never allowed to use the mic again. The mic got taken away after this. Stop with the gay lighting and everything. Jesus. I didn't even know you guys had that lighting package back there. Just rainbow strobes all of a sudden. I specifically requested it, but I didn't think we would do it on this show. That's for after hours. Oh yeah.

Oh my goodness. Okay, guys, that's enough. Michael, relax. Jesus, Michael Gonzalez has been waiting years for this drag show opportunity on this show. I'm working out. I was underage at the time. It's like the segment ended two minutes ago. Michael, he's like, come on, give me some more.

That 15-year-old body was nice, right? So you said you're going to rattle off a bunch of stuff. You rattled one off, and then we went full stop. What else you got? Yeah, that was fun. I've had a lot of concussions. I've had a lot of concussions. Is it from the gay bashing? No, no.

They were from a lot of different things. Yeah. Alabama drag. They make you dress like a woman. Then they beat the shit out of you. Get over here, you baguette. You're like, wait, you put together. There was a rainbow lighting. What the fuck? I'm concussed. And now I'm shot. Oh, and I've been bounced off of something.

That was the worst one. Don't say that. The cannon was really the icing on the cake there. All right, Chase, I'm going to get you the fuck out of here. All right, cool. Thank you. You already have a joke book. A little one, yeah. That sounds about right. There he goes. Chase Moat, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, one final bucket pull. How we feeling? This is the latest we've ever gone on a Monday night. You guys still with us? Make some fucking noise for your final bucket pull of the night. We're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Fantasia Wilhoyt. Fantasia Wilhoyt. I bet none of you expected a white girl to pop out, did you? No. Nope, but it's me.

Hi everybody, I'm Fantasia. I'm a mom. That's probably my favorite thing. But it's a little tough because you gotta give tough love to these kids. Because when we were kids, the biggest comeback was, oh yeah, well I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say, it bounces off me and sticks to you. And we were like, fuck, he just got roasted. And now people are like, hey, on Friday I get my allowance. I'm about to watch your mom get fucked on her OnlyFans. And I'm like, I'm not perfect.

I'm not prepared for that. I'm not. And my daughter, she's gonna be 12 next week and she just got a phone. I'm worried because if I see 12 year old titties, it's gonna be fucking hell in my house. I remember when I was younger, your titties got leaked. God fucking forbid the whole school found out. And you had to tell your parents because fuck that. But now you tell people like, hey, I saw your tits. And they're like, was it a picture or video? Which one?

I don't know which one you saw, there's tons. But half the time they leaked it theirself, because she's competing with her mom now for OnlyFans. But they might give a promo. You could get two for one. So who knows? But thank you. Holy shit. What was that?

Unbelievable. How are you? I'm so fucking excited. I've been outside since fucking 10 a.m., guys. Is that because you're homeless? No, I came here from Florida. I'm trying to escape the hurricane. Oh my goodness gracious. So what part of Florida do you live in? I live in Port St. Lucie. There's fucking nothing there. I know about Port St. Lucie. Oh yeah, it's growing. All right. Is Port St. Lucie also what guys call your vagina? No.

No, no, no. Because it's Lucy? No. Okay. What do you do for work, Fantasia Wilhoite? So I have two jobs. Roller derby? Okay, I used to. I used to. I have seven brothers. You have to grow up to be a tough bitch. Okay. You do. You have to. You have two jobs. Yes. You're a manager at a strip club. I am not. Yes.

I am a massage therapist. That was my next guess. And number two is a gas station attendant. No, I actually am an alternative fashion model. That is my job. Okay, I see you representing the Kansas City Chiefs. Yeah, we won today. And the Cowboys won yesterday, so I'm pretty excited about that too. Wow. I like both, okay? Patrick Mahomes is a Texas boy. He played at Texas Tech. Give me a break. Okay, we get it. You look Patrick Mahomeless. Yeah. Yeah.

You look like a Travis Kelce word. I do. These are Chief's jokes about females that I'm coming up with. I'm often told I'm a real connoisseur, so. Okay. All right. What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of girl that would absolutely take anything. Well, I mean, earlier I know we talked about the molestation thing, so I guess it kind of, you have trauma, so. When you say earlier, what do you mean exactly? I was here for the earlier show.

The standby show. Wait, you were in the audience at another taping of this show? Yeah, earlier today. Okay, right. Yes, well that's nothing to do with anything. That was a different show. Well, I was talking about the trauma. And we didn't talk about anything. No, I was just talking about things bring trauma. So let's just start from scratch. I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I'm very excited. I'm just nervous. It's okay. Okay.

So what was the fucking question again? My love life. Here we go. Ready for this? What's your love life like? It's good, but I just try to keep it personal. Do you have an OnlyFans? I do not. Oh. Huh. Okay. I try not to have that title. I don't want to be an OnlyFans girl. I have nothing against it. I just don't want to do it. You look it. I know. Thank you. I take it as a compliment. That just means that I'm pretty. So whatever. Kind of. Yeah. Yeah.

It's fine. I don't care. It's fine. You do have a little swagger to you. Yeah, I think I'm pretty cool. I mean, I have a lot of tattoos and I mean, I usually get along with most people. I like to think I'm pretty nice. I've had a hard life, so I try to be the best person that I can. Wow. Okay. There you go. Silly Eilish, ladies and gentlemen.

So if you don't want to talk about your personal life, can you give us some more interesting fun facts about that? Sure. I mean, I was a foster kid for a long time. We already knew that. What else? Yeah, of course.

Before I did massage, I used to run a Denny's in the hood, so that was probably my favorite job I've ever had. A Denny's in the hood? Yeah, I used to fight strippers in the bathroom. They would come get off work and just be like lit and just throw money at me like it's going to make it okay. I've been in more fights than I would care to imagine a Denny's. Oh, you were in a Florida...

Danny's in the hood. - Yeah, Riviera Beach, if you know anything about that, it's pretty rough there. - The only thing worse is a waffle house in that area. - It definitely is, yes. - So interesting. How did the 12 year old happen? Is that your only kid? - That is my only kid. Yep, I had her when I was 19, I got pregnant at 18. But I was married, so, when I got pregnant. - Is he on OnlyFans? - Nope. He's in prison.

Only feds. I can't believe the father of your children is in prison. That's unbelievable. Her biological father is in prison, but she has a great dad in her life. And he has been there since before she was one, and he is the best man ever. So she has a great dad. Good for him. Amazing. Yeah, he's amazing. Amazing. What did her biological dad go to prison for? Are you ready? Yeah. Child pornography. Child pornography.

- Oh my God. - I swear to God. - Did he write that set for you? - I'm sorry? - Did he write that set for you? - No, he did not, no. - Oh my goodness. So how did this go down? What happened? - So we were like freshly married when I was 18.

and I had left to go to the store. How old was he? He was 20. He's two years older than me. We went to high school together, and we lived on a military base. He was in the military, and I left to go to the store, and my daughter was there, and I got a phone call 20 minutes after I left that I had to go home because the police were there, and I was like, what the fuck is happening? And they showed me a search warrant that they had for child porn, and I was like, okay, well, I'm not in trouble, so can I have my kid? And they're like, no, we got to talk to you, and I'm like...

But it was like real criminal mind shit. Like I'm driving down my road. The whole road is filled with cops. I have to drive through yards to get to my house. It was fucking crazy. Okay. So as you approach, that happens. What did they end up finding? So...

I don't exactly know because he took a plea deal so when he went to court they like had like a whole deal arranged but I know they took like anything that could hold storage like a TV like the DVDs they went through all the DVDs to make sure they were like super legit like real movies like they wanted to take like digital picture frame that just had pictures on it because they want to make sure like nothing was being hidden like they literally took everything so I don't know how did you meet the supplemental father?

Also, when I, like, lived there. Because it seems you met him right away. I didn't. It was a little while later, but it was less than a year, so it was kind of fast, I guess. Did you meet him at a bar? No, my friend, she was moving, and at the time I had a cleaning business. Like, when the military families move, they have to have, like, their house spotless. So they would hire me, and I would help my friend clean her house, and he was there with her husband. Clean her hard drives also? Absolutely. Oh!

Absolutely. I don't want caught in another house like that. Come on. Okay. So, have you ever been into drugs or anything like that? Never. I never even smoked weed until I was 27. But now I love to smoke weed. You look like bath salts, to be honest with you. I really, really have never tried another drug besides weed, so... Wow. You look like you might have dated his father, the guy from Montana, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, before I got all these tattoos, I actually wanted to be a police officer. So I didn't try drugs because I knew I would have to pass all these tests. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So how long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time on stage ever. First time ever on a stage. You've never been on a stage before for anything? I do like karaoke, but that's it. What's your song at karaoke? Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats.

Before he cheats. Or I do Gretchen Wilson here for the party. I like that song. Or your baby daddy, Carrie Underage. He likes that. He really does. Congratulations, Fantasia. You did it. You got on the show. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Thank you so much. Feel free to fill it up with crazy shit. Sign up sometime. We'll do it again. There goes Fantasia Wilhoite, ladies and gentlemen. Did you guys have a fun night tonight? Yeah.

Well, you know, the way I look at things, there's only one of two ways to end an episode like this. And the usual way of ending it is not here tonight. However, the only other reasonable option in the world, I think, is to bring to the stage one of the fastest rising comedy stars in the world. Ah.

I mean, where do I even begin? He's a fucking cold-blooded assassin. So many levels accomplished on this show. The only one left is him becoming a citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only, the great and powerful, the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Mati! Ari!

Hey men, shaming sluts. We love 'em! You know, some guys are like, "Ah, she's fucked everybody." Oh, you mean she's an angel? I'm 32 years old. I need time on court.

I don't want to go to a restaurant that's empty. If I see a line then I'm like, "What's the special?" I don't want to board a ship where it's the captain's first day out at sea. I want to see the captain with the fucking wooden leg eye patch. I've been sucking dick since Woodstock. I don't want no shell-shocked virgin approaching my dick like you're a contestant on Fear Factor.

I want you to treat my dick like you're a bartender when he's flaring. Thank you so much. Fucking, un-fucking believable. I mean, that is how it is done.

Wow. What a special treat. I mean, my God. Unbelievably smart and funny, are you, Matty? Thanks. Not only have you done it again, I do believe that's one of my favorite sets of yours I've ever seen. Oh, wow. Absolutely incredible. It's always shocking to me when this happens.

On the rare occasion, on someone's 15th or 20th or whatever, however many appearances. Yeah, it's a super fun exercise, writing jokes, trying to get to the point quicker. And you're competing with only yourself. Yeah, absolutely. I'm trying to have fun in the process. The fans are super supportive. Thank you, everybody. I love it.

Thank you. Such an unbelievably distinct style that when you find a great premise like what you just did, it is just incredible. The references, this, that, funny, funny, funny, the whole way through. Sam Tripoli is the one that took me off the stool as a door guy in the back of the comedy store and gave me my first opening gig at the La Jolla Comedy Store. That's great. Thank you.

And the first comedian that I ever watched do an hour-long set, and I was so hooked and addicted. Sam, what do you think about the young buck, Ari Matty? No wasted lines, bro. Every line is a laugh. It's either set up to a punch or it's a punch. It's great writing, dude. It's really good stuff. Thank you, yeah. I've always...

I've always been super physical, so it was kind of when I got to the regular ship, it was in the beginning I was kind of scared of it, you know, but now I look at it as a fun exercise. Yeah, as you get older, you're going to be less physical because you'll be like, fuck, I'm tired, dude. Yeah.

So your writing is great and it will pick up where the physical drops off. So you're doing great, dude. That's awesome. How old are you again, Ari? I am 32 years young. Oh my goodness gracious. How much fun. Yeah, it's amazing. Russell Peters, great to see you. You too, Ari. I've been seeing you all weekend, buddy. Yeah. Never got to watch your set at all, so I'm happy to see what I got to see now. Fuck yeah, Russell. It's crazy. I watched you like when I was 14, YouTube, in my bed, dick in hand. Dude.

Fair. That's the best compliment ever. You know, what's funny is Fantasia's ex-husband... I mean, it's child pornography, you know.

It's only illegal in America. Estonia, it's wide open. - Exactly. Oh, legal age of consent in Estonia? Guess, guess. - 15. - 12. - 14, maybe. - 14. - That's where Chris D'Elia fucked up. Location, location, location. - Oh my God. Oh my God. - Here is a pedophile back in Estonia. My man's a gentleman. - Wow. Wow. - He waited two years. What a nice guy.

Holy shit. Also, Chris, if you need an opener in Tulsa, I'm here. My goodness, Chris. Ari Mati is on fire. What else is going on, Ari? I went to Las Vegas for the first time. Yeah. I stayed in the Golden Nugget, which is the worst hotel I've ever stayed in. It's one of those hotels where it's just you and the fan, and I'm fucking...

And I've never gambled, you know. Because in Estonia, okay, we have casinos, but it's all owned by like Albanians and you got to look for your daughter and it's a whole thing. I don't want to fucking, it's not exactly the fun Vegas. I don't want to lose a spleen. Right. Incredible. It was super great. Yeah, the dealers had big tits, so I lost all the money, but got a smooch later, so. Uh-oh. Hell yeah, just you and the fan. Fan of your work. A little smooch over here. I love it.

Ari, Estonia honestly sounds kind of fun. Oh, it's so much fun. Visit Estonia, please. Support our economy. Fuck our women. Highest percentage of supermodels per capita in the world, by the way. Wow. I believe that. Which is not, you know, hard because not a lot of people. That's why the age of consent is 14. Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

So what would a wild night in Estonia be like? If we went to Estonia, you took the main six-person crew of Filtonia, what would a night be like? Are we taking Cam? Yeah, Cam. Let's say me, you, Red Band, Cam. Oh shit, we leave Cam at the fucking... No, no, no, Cam can come. Very welcome, very welcome, Cam.

If we bring Cam, does the age of consent shoot up a little bit? 25, 26? Don't want any broken Estonian vaginas out there. Yeah. Cam would stand out, you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Like I remember, I knew my friend's grandmother went to... Fuck! Who's the guy, the song? Beautiful girl. Sean Kingston. Sean Kingston performed in the woods in Estonia and my friend took his grandmother out and I was like, where's the grandma here? And she looks at me, she goes, I just want to see one before I die. Wow. It's nice. Sort of, you know.

Wow. It's not, you know, she wasn't hateful about it. She was just, you know, wanted to see something new. Wow. Look at that. Unbelievable. But Cam would be a superstar. There's a guy who moved from Aruba to Estonia back in the Dizzee. And, uh...

When he moved to Estonia, he represented us at Eurovision. You know Eurovision? Big song contest. And we fucking won the thing with the guy. So he's like a hero now. A black guy moved from Aruba to Estonia. What do you think made him pick Estonia? Plenty of pussy available. I don't know. Yeah. You can be a superstar. How many black guys do you think there are? We have three. We're working on the fourth.

We have a couple, we have a couple. So let's say we went there just the whites. Uh-huh. What would a night in Estonia be like? Hans too, that's an interesting one, you know, I haven't seen. You think Hans would be a... Also very, you know, he will get some interesting comments, you know. Comments. You don't have many Asians there? No. How many Asians are in Estonia? I knew a guy, he... Well, we heard of him.

And then when I went to see the, you know, when I went to visit the great Asian guy, he was like mixed, so he didn't have the... The full thing. The eyes, you know, so it was kind of like a fraudulent, you know. We don't know if Hans has eyes. The Hans have eyes. The Hans have eyes.

Tony, we should do Killtonia Stonia just to see what happens. Oh, it's Killtonia. Oh, my God. That's a great idea. Killtonia. Yeah, Killtonia, yeah. Russell said. You could sell some shit out there. Amazing. So that's great. What else does Estonia specialize in before I let you? We're like, you know, IT people. We know about IT, you know, IT. It's like computers and shit. Ha, ha, ha.

And then, oh, we invented Skype back in the day, sold it before it came valuable, so we kind of got fucked on that one. And Shino Man with Pauly Shore, of course. That's a big deal. And then, yeah. Any sports? You guys get any sports? Oh, what? You know. We don't. Soccer, I guess. We are all white, so the sports is kind of...

Kind of slow. Amazing. Yeah. We're not really... Skiing, some skiers were there. We had some fine skiing bitches. But nothing too great. The Olympics were a bit of a rough one for us. What happened in the Olympics? I could represent Estonia in the Olympics in about six months in any sports.

They're like, "You wanna do it?" Tony, did you see that famous clip that was going around from the Estonian guy, the pole vaulter, right? Was it the pole vaulter? I sent it to you, you were like... With the big dick, you mean. Or the one that failed?

Oh, that the guy who got his dick caught on the thing? No, no, no, even worse. Yeah, there was one that just fell backwards. He did, yeah. He looked like a turtle. He couldn't get up, dude. Oh, my God. Just a bad look. And I feel for the guy. He's a nice guy. He's a sweetie pie. Amazing.

Well, Ari, I got to tell you, I mean, a set like that, normally we love to have you open. You set such an incredible tone. But on an episode like this, it's incredible to see so many people do so many different types of sets. But you came in and just fucking anchored down and really put on an absolute show. An incredible fucking performance. That's how it's done. Ari, Maddie, ladies and gentlemen, we did it.

This was an episode of Kill Tony. Make some noise for Russell Peters. RussellPeters.com. Tour starts now in Chicago. How about one more time for Sam Tripoli? SamTripoli.com. October 15th, the tour begins, and the new special comes out on YouTube October 15th. Why is everybody getting quiet? October 15th on Rumble.com.

There you go. Sam Tripoli, Russell Peters. Thank you to Squarespace, GameTime, Hymns, Talkspace, and ZipRecruiter. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld is in. The drawing from Chris Rogers is in. What do we got? Cam Patterson tonight. How about one more time for the best damn man in the land? Thank you so much. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Good night. Good night.

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