Shownotes Transcript
- Tony. - Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for it, it's glass! - Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yeah! - Baby! - Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. And how about some noise for the best damn band in the land, huh? Is that some diabolical shit or what?
My goodness. What an amazing show. You guys made it to the number one live podcast in the world. This is Kill Tony brought to you by HelloFresh, Squarespace, and GameTime. A lot of fun stuff ahead. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Four years. That's how long it took Democrats to ruin our economy and plunge our southern border into anarchy. Who helped them hurt us? Ruben Gallego. Washington could have cut taxes for Arizona families, but Ruben blocked the bill. And his fellow Democrats gave a bigger break to the millionaire class in California and New York. They played favorites and cost us billions. And Ruben wasn't done yet.
We'll be right back.
Carrie and the Republicans will secure the border, support our families, and never turn their backs on us. Carrie Lake for Senate. I'm Carrie Lake, candidate for U.S. Senate, and I approve this message. Paid for by Carrie Lake for Senate and the NRSC.
When you need mealtime inspiration, it's worth shopping fries for thousands of appetizing ingredients that inspire countless mouth-watering meals. And no matter what tasty choice you make, you'll enjoy our everyday low prices. Plus, extra ways to save, like digital coupons worth over $600 each week and up to $1 off per gallon at the pump with points. So you can get big flavors and big savings. Fries, fresh for everyone. Fuel restrictions apply.
Carl's Jr.'s Big Carl fans know nothing beats the layers and layers of flavor of a Big Carl. Nothing beats that charbroiled beef, American cheese, and tangy Carl's classic sauce. Nothing. Except getting a second Big Carl for just $1. Big Carl just one-upped itself for just $1. Then buy one Big Carl, get one for a buck deal. Only at Carl's Jr. Get burger! Get burger. Available for a limited time at participating restaurants. Tax not included. Price may vary. Not valid with any other offer, discount, or combo.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? You know?
Sometimes we have three guests. Sometimes we have two. Sometimes we have one that is so good that I just like to fucking hang out, let the show breathe, make it about the bucket pools and the regulars and fucking jam with one of our favorite comedians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him from all of his hit, absolute hit specials, his hit podcast, The Man is Untouchable, and it is Austin's own podcast.
Let's get this going, baby. Yes. Resident of Austin, Texas. During the moody February 22nd in beautiful Austin. The ball are in. September 14th.
Welcome back, Tom. Thanks for having me. Am I supposed to sit here or here? Let's sit here. Oh, okay. Stay cozy just in case someone, Hank, comes in and joins us later. Welcome, Tom. Thanks for having me. You've been on the show numerous times. I have. We're so excited to have you here at Home Base where sometimes crazy shit really happens. I have seen some crazy shit on your show. Yeah. We can have...
Some derelicts that fucking walk out. Yeah. Sometimes I'm able to get some real answers out of these people here, these bucket pools, and find out more about them that we can't find out in the nervous arenas or even at the ACL Live Theater that we did that one time. That's right. So we're going to try to make some magic happen here tonight. 252 human beings' names are inside of this bucket. Most of them piled into...
the bar across the street, which we have a wrangler go and grab them after I pull their name out. Some of them, a few of them assuredly are inside. Anybody inside sign up tonight? Clap your hands. Oh yeah, look at that retard. Fingers crossed that we get someone from the bar across the street.
If I pull someone's name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them abruptly. And then I interview them and we find out more about them. We talk to them about what makes their lives special. Who knows? Maybe as of late there's been trivia, there's been spelling bees, anything can happen.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you guys ready to start tonight's show? I pulled the first name. They're wrangling that person from across the street. While that happens, why don't we get one of our regulars up here, huh? You guys are fans of this show, right? How many of you watch every week?
Well then I think you will be very excited to find out that the first comedian doing a non-interrupted 60 seconds tonight is an instant legend on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, he is in a hurry to become a citizen of the United States of America. I present to you the Estonian assassin, Ari Mary! What's up? I just moved to Texas.
I love it. Bucky's all day. What I love about Texas is that you guys are like proud to be American. And I love that energy, you know, because the first time I came to America, this was a couple of years ago. I went to Seattle. Very different vibe. Dude, I go to Seattle. I'm hyped. I'm ready to get off the plane. I watched Saving Private Ryan back to back three times. I'm hyped!
I'm ready to shoot somebody, you know. Let's fucking storm the capital and shit. And then I get to Seattle, everybody walks around. Every bitch I met had like green hair, such low blood pressure, you know. Every conversation I had in Seattle, they were all like, you know America is built on a racist agenda. Who gives a fuck? You're here on the winning side.
If you don't like America, go check out Ukraine. Try to get an oatmeal latte in downtown Kiev, you ungrateful bitch. If you don't like, give me your passport.
Thank you very much. Oh, my God. He's done it again. The full flex. One minute, 45 seconds. The bear is afraid of Ari Matty. He goes in hiding. Tom, this is your first time seeing him. That was my first time seeing it. Yeah, that was great, man. And you know your crowd. They fucking ate that shit up, bro. Way to go.
- Hell yeah. - USA! - They fucking-- - USA! - USA! - Yes. - USA! - Hell yeah. Ooh, the lights went wild for USA.
I love it. Very good. Fucking fun topics the whole way through. You know, you mentioned Buc-ee's. For those people around the world, a huge part of our listeners are global. I went there today for the first time. Oh, how would you explain? Explain your first impression of Buc-ee's. There was a rubber boat, burritos, jackets, condoms, gums, guns, a holster for fish, whatever you want.
We got it! What do you want? I think there was a hooker in the back for 50 bucks. Yeah.
It is truly unbelievable. I was there yesterday coming back from College Station. I went to the A&M Notre Dame game with our good friend Shane Gillis and a friend of the show, Johnny Manziel. And I came back and I was so excited about this Buc-ee's stop in Bastrop about 35 minutes out. I get a Texas cheesesteak burrito. Has anybody ever tried this from Buc-ee's?
It's unbelievable. I had that too, by the way. You had it? Yes. I mean... My European belly can't handle... Dude, my little European asshole trying to squeeze out that American turd, brother. You can fuck me tonight easy, dude. My asshole is all stretched out, dude. Yep. Holy shit, I still have diarrhea currently right now. Yeah.
A little piece of shit in my pants. It really is one of those things. The Texas cheesesteak burrito, while being perhaps, I mean, bite after bite, one of the most delicious things, it is truly risk-reward. That should be next to that in the dictionary, a picture of the Buc-ee's Texas cheesesteak burrito, because even my stomach, full of Italian red sauce my entire life and men's cum...
I beat you to it. I could tell the wheels were turning there. Son of a bitch. Tony's game. There you go. Tony's game. Tony's game. All right, all right. That's enough. Okay. But...
But even me-- and I have a furiously strong digestive stomach. It's one thing I just never have problems with. But even me, that Texas cheesesteak burrito fucks me up 100% of the time for a few hours. And I learned yesterday that if you do a minute and a half in the cold plunge after having one, you're good.
That's what it takes. It takes 45 degrees Fahrenheit at 90 seconds, and it cures all your problems. The diarrhea goes away? I beat it to the diarrhea. It doesn't cause diarrhea. I didn't diarrhea in the cold plunge. That would have been a fun story. A little fudgesicle, if you will.
I love it, though. It's great stuff. You've been to a Bucky's. Oh, God, yeah, of course. It's an experience. It really is. If you come to Texas, you have to go. Absolutely have to go. I mean, it's useless shit, but it's so fun. And cheap shit. I like their fucking swag. It's like a hat that's a fucking boat that's a cup. And you're like, okay. And also, I don't know how the payment works there. Like, I could have stolen, like...
Hey, Americans, steal shit. Nobody fucking looks at shit. I have a conspiracy theory. I probably obviously shouldn't mention it on this show, but I have a little theory that they purposefully don't ring everything up. Did you notice this at all? I mean, yeah. Anybody else notice this? Is that a thing that they do on purpose? Like, really? Yeah.
Wait, what do you mean? I'm pretty sure. So, like, if you get a ton of shit, I think they, like, go like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I've had it happen a few times. And they go, just have some of it? They don't say that, but they're like, your total's $32. You have, like, a ton of shit and a jacket like that. You got the whole fucking jumpsuit. I got the whole shit. How much was that? $12. $12.
It is the most magical place on earth. Hot nuts and pecans. Oh, yeah. And I've never seen so many fat people in camel. Dude, that deer is gonna see ya! With your fat fucking face. This is big red fucking Alec Baldwin head.
Hey, Tom, you used to be fat, right? Yes, yes. Yeah, you look-- Yes. But I didn't wear camo. I was fucking-- yeah. Holy shit. Money makes a difference. Yeah. It does. It does. It can also help you get citizenship, so just try to get some. Yeah.
Believe me, you got a long way to go with that, but I hope you get it, dude. I fucking hope you get it. And if you don't get it, just cover yourself in camo and hide in with the rest of us. Ari, Matty, you did it again. Thank you so much. Another brand new unbelievable set. That was great. That was great. I mean, the show has begun.
You're in it. And now to the bucket we go. This is obviously the part where shit gets crazy. Could be anybody. Could be a star of the future. We found all of our regulars and golden ticket winners through this bucket. Could be a crazy person. Could be a 15-year veteran that's swallowed his pride and come here to try to make it. Could be somebody who's starting tonight. Either way, they've waited for hours. They signed up, and the moment is theirs. Your first bucket pool of the night.
goes by the name of Trey Campbell. Make some noise for Trey, everybody. Hey, everybody. I just moved to Austin recently. I'm really excited. The other day, I was driving on the street, and I saw a bumper sticker, and it said, Silly boys, trucks are for girls. But I looked at the bumper sticker, and it was on a Nissan Altima. And I was like, oh, that's cool. This city's so progressive, even the cars here are trans. LAUGHTER
I'm getting married. Me and my wife were riding in the car the other day, and she was all like, "I need to go to church. I need a closer relationship with God." And I was like, "You just overdosed on Whippets the other day. How much closer to God do you want to get?" Any Kanye West fans in here?
Kanye just released a new album on Vultures. One of the albums, one of the lines he says, "Beautiful big titty butt naked women don't just fall out the sky, you know?" And I heard that and I was like, "Damn, those are bars." But clearly Kanye West wasn't in New York City on September 11th, 2001. - Trey Campbell.
Looking for validation throughout his entire set from Tom and I. Paying no attention to the 350 people in front of him. Did not care if you guys were laughing whatsoever. Just fully focused on him and I after each punchline. We have that bond, me and you.
- Now we're done. - Yeah, no, yeah. - All right. - I was just trying to look-- - That was very funny, man. That was very funny. - Thank you so much. - Absolutely. Were you-- did you happen to be wearing camo at a Buc-ee's earlier?
Ari Matty describes someone that looks shockingly like you. It might have been me. It depends on which Buc-ee's you were at. Wow. Because we were at the one in Bastrop. Oh, whoa. Look at that. Might have been me. Might have been you. You were there today? No.
It was like a couple weeks ago. Right. Looks like you had a few cheesesteak burritos. Hell yeah. I like their pulled pork sandwiches. Wow. Their pulled pork sandwiches go hard, man. Red Band agreeing with you. They go hard going in and coming out. Wow. And they made you go soft. That's true. I don't know, man. I've been doing pretty good. Yeah? Tell us more. What has your diet been like lately? What exactly is it? Because you look like a leprechaun that only eats Lucky Charms. Yeah.
That is true. Back when I was a kid, I would only eat the lucky, like, the marshmallows out of the cereal. Dude, we fucking know.
- Come on. - Thank you. - Come on. - You would be correct. - Yes. - Tell us some more of the wild fat boy things that you've done. Marshmallows only out of Lucky Charms. Can you give us some more examples? - Well, I would take some of those honey buns and I would put them in the microwave and then I would take them out and I'd put syrup on the honey bun. - Oh, fucking hell, dude. - It's pretty good.
- Oh my. - Can you believe somebody's gonna marry me? - Is someone marrying you? - Yeah, I'm getting married. - You're engaged? - Yeah, I'm engaged, yeah. - Really? Who are you engaged to? - Her name is Lindsay. We met in line for your show. - Unbelievable, there you go. Kill Tony, making miracles happen. - Where do you move from? - Where did you move from? - I moved from Houston. - Oh, okay. I was gonna guess Oz.
- Houston, that is incredible. And what does Lindsay do for a living? - She sells like apartments to old people.
She's like a scammer? Yeah. Depends on who you ask. Okay. Wise. Really specific. Yeah. Are you old? You want to fucking buy something? Yeah, for real. Just come on down. It's a nurse. I'll get your information. What makes her target old people? I don't know. I think she just works in one of those senior facilities where she, you know, I don't know. Nope.
That's a senior home. It's not a work. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. She's like the director of sales. Okay. Yeah. So she gets people not apartments but into a nursing home. That too, yeah. Okay. Absolutely. And
And you guys met. What was your big line with her? What was your opening line? She came up to me. She was like, hey, you're really cool. You're really funny. She saw you on the show before. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's about it. We just kind of started talking about, like, the Smiths. Wow. Wow.
And the rest is history. I now know what she looks like just from that description. That's all that it took. Dark hair? No, she's got, well, she has like red hair. She dyed it red. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. A lot of makeup? A little bit.
Yeah. She's beautiful. Oh, I bet. Yeah. To settle for a boy like you, I bet she's a real fucking supermodel. Yeah, I think so. Let me guess, six foot five? No, that's close. Really? She's big? She's six foot. You know this girl? Oh, yeah. I've met her many times. Wow. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club. All the biggest comedians in the world. Some six foot five open micers rolling in their...
Still a lot of space. No bumping their heads on those ceilings. I promise you that. Notoriously high ceilings. A great place for someone 6'5 to perform. Incredible. And remind us, what do you do for work exactly? Actually, now I moved here and I got a job in news radio. News radio. No better time. Perhaps a locomotive is next for you. Yeah.
- Perhaps the newspaper. - Yeah, yeah, it's the way of the future. - Right now, radio, news radio. What exactly are you doing for news radio? - Usually I run the board. I'll answer the phone calls. A lot of people call in and say a lot of crazy shit. - Like what? - It's a political talk show. - Oh yeah. - Somebody called and said Biden gave his dog cocaine. That was pretty cool.
That's not impossible. It's not. I mean, they found it in the White House, so it's not the craziest thing. Can you make a living doing that? Yeah, I make about $15 an hour. Okay, all right. So I guess it depends on what... She's got to sell a lot of apartments. Living is... Yeah, that's relative. I got it.
How long have you been dating this girl that you're marrying? We've been dating since February. This February? Yeah. And when did you get engaged? We got engaged in May by the Hi, How Are You mural.
Okay. And what made you do it so quickly there, Trey? I just, when you know, you know. And we just fit together. No, that's not true at all. I love her to death. Well, I bet you do. I bet you do. Do you have any inheritances or anything? Yeah, I got some inheritances.
Yeah. You want me to talk about it? Yeah, let's talk about it. Why not? We've never asked that question in 11 and a half years. Who better to ask about his inheritances than you, the most adorable little fucking oompa loompa I've ever seen in my life. Incredible. No, my dad passed away in 2021 and he left me some money. Yeah? Ballpark it. How much? About $50,000.
- Oh, that's pretty good. - He left me about $350. - Oh, you're being silly. Was it 350,000? - Maybe. - Okay. Any other inheritances? Let's go through. It's a little segment we call Trey's Inheritances, everybody. - No, that's about it. He left me two trailers and he left me some four wheelers and a boat. Anybody who wants to buy some four wheelers and a boat,
You want to buy a four-wheeler, Tony, or Tom, or Red Ben, or... No, I'd want one where the shocks and struts aren't used by you. I haven't rode it in like ten years. You imagine hitting a bump on that... Fuck. Fuck.
That's funny. Are you living in the trailers? No, not anymore. Did you sell them? No, not yet. I'm trying to. Are you going to rent them out, or what are you doing? Yeah, that's the goal. They're just sitting empty? Yeah, they're just kind of sitting there desolate. A lot of my clothes are in there. A lot of clothes I can't wear anymore. Okay.
Is your lip blue right now? Am I noticing this? I think it's the black lipstick because I kissed my wife before I came up here. Oh, wow, wow. I get a little bit worried when she kisses me on the face because she wears a lot of black lipstick. I never would guess that a Smiths fan would have black lipstick like that. That's incredible. It's absolutely shocking. When I pictured her, I totally didn't picture a...
Anything like that. I think you'd like her. Yeah? Yeah, she's cool. Why do you think I'd like her? I don't know. You just seem like someone who'd like her. She's 6'1".
You know? Absolutely. Just because of the height? Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever 69'd with her? No, we haven't. She's not really. I mean, I would, but we don't really. Okay. Looks like right before. We haven't done that yet. I mean, listen, I will go down when asked to, but we haven't. Has she asked you to do that? Yeah, a couple of times. Twice? Yeah.
More than that, I'm speaking in, like, you know, generalities. Yeah. Uh-huh. What? Why have you... Hold on. What...
Why have you not-- You're waiting till 69 when she's like, "Okay, tonight we 69?" Yeah, whenever she wants, you know. I'm down. So is she like a dom? No, not really. But can you suggest stuff you like? Yeah, I think I should. I think I will tonight. Okay, look at that. That's great. That's awesome.
Look at that. Now, how tall are you, Trey? I'm about 5'8". It's 5'7". Oh, it's going... I'm about 5'6". There you go.
So where do you think things are going to end up when you 69? Are you ready to toss her belly button? Yeah, I'm down. I mean, it'll work. You guys have had sex, right? Yeah, all the time. All the time. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Perhaps the old stir the pot? Well, it takes me a while to get there. What exactly do you mean by that?
It just takes me a long time to achieve orgasm. You're like master control? I think so. It's the karma sutra. I'm usually just thinking about the Sacramento Kings. Okay.
I really want them to win a title at some point. And, you know, I'm just always thinking about De'Aaron Fox, hoping he doesn't get hurt again. - So it takes you a while to finish? - Yeah. - That's nice. - Yeah. - Do you... Do you have any kinks? Do you have any weird kinks? - No, not really. I'm pretty boring, honestly. I like to have, like, basketball on in the back. I like car crashes a lot.
I like to watch car crashes. During sex? Yeah, you know, like... Fucking bodies mangled and shit. It's cool. It's cool. It's fun. I like seeing cars crash. Yeah, I like them too. I mean... Can you just go to the Daytona 500? I went last year. I mean, I wasn't fucking someone during it, but yeah. That is cool. That's my dream. That's your dream? Just to fucking see a huge explosion and then you're like, ugh, you'll nod your pants. Essentially, yeah. That's awesome, man. Yeah.
And does she have any kinks? I don't know. I think a couple, but I don't know if I should say. Oh, that's very respectful. That's your wife. I like that. I don't want to kiss and tell. Well, we can tell you kissed, so, you know. Yeah. Trey, Tom, you guys are never going to believe this. I was just informed in the longest way possible. It took a minute and a half.
Took a minute and a half to tell me something very, very simple. But I have been informed that Trey's girlfriend, who does stand-up comedy, is now, right now, since they came together, backstage and willing to do a set. Trey? Trey?
Would you like to introduce your girlfriend? Yeah. And then you just take a step to the right, and then we'll interview you guys together. No, not yet, Trey. After you say her name, and by the way, your right is the other way. Okay. Sorry, I'm dyslexic. Yeah. Okay. So now introducing his girlfriend, Trey Campbell. All right. Oh, here you go. There he is. There you go.
Say her name, Trey. Say her fucking name, Trey. This is Lindsay Tyree. This is the love of my life. Here's a new minute from Lindsay, everybody. Already getting laughs. My name's Lindsay. My pronouns are fee-fi, fo-fum. Thanks, guys. Holy shit. I have this rock. I'm a lot like Cam Patterson, except for I am retarded.
Anyway, I use it for stimming, it's an autism thing. And I rub it on my hands, sometimes like my face. I got this cut on the inside of my lip and I got super sick. So I went to the doctor and he said, "I'm sorry ma'am, you've contracted the very first ever case of mermaids." Thank you.
Lindsay Tyree, is that correct? Tyree? Hi, Tony. Yeah, that's right. I love it. Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Correct. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years. Where are you from?
All over the place. I just moved here in December from the Central Valley, California, Visalia to be specific. There's one person. Wow, truly the almost frightening middle of nowhere. I've seen the exit sign for that city. Well, you see what it breeds, so. Wow, absolutely. I'll stick with stopping at a Buc-ee's.
My goodness. So welcome, welcome. We just had a great talk with Trey. You work at some type of like nursing home or something like that? I do. I work at an assisted living like nursing home. But for entertainment purposes, I sell cupcakes. So forget about the other thing. Okay, perfect. Amazing. It's true, Tom. They're delicious. Yes.
I'll drop one off for you. Okay. Yeah, I like cupcakes. Thanks. Chocolate peanut butter. Fantastic. You make them? I do. They're organic and from scratch, even though they're not really organic, but don't tell any of my customers that. Oh, you just threw the label on there? That's cool. That's small business, baby. Wow, I like your style. So, just to be clear, she is a scammer. Like, I don't know...
Wow. I bought the sugar at Whole Foods. That's cool. Amazing. Not only does she make cupcakes, she's also marrying one by the looks of things. You specialize in cupcakes and muffin tops. This is great. Lindsay, what do you do for fun?
- This, I have a shit ton of cats and a dog that I pay attention to. - A shit ton of cats? Two cats? - That's two, that's one too many. - Trey almost fell off the stage making sure we knew it was only two cats. Please don't fall, Trey. So you live with three pussies, that's incredible. Incredible, Lindsay. One dog? - One dog. - I love it, I love it. What kind of dog?
The vet said that he's a, what was it, a husky, hound mix? Are we talking about Trey again? He's definitely a husky. He's a husky and a little hound dog, am I right? Ain't nothing but a hound dog. Look at you two. What kind of mattress do you guys use exactly? We're in a California King, so... Wow. Is that your order at In-N-Out, or what is that exactly?
I like Whataburger, so... You're a Whataburger guy? Yeah, all day. Can I ask Lindsay, where do you stand on this coming from the middle of California, Whataburger or In-N-Out? There's only one correct answer, and it's not Whataburger. Go ahead and answer.
- All right, Tony, I'm just fat enough to be able to answer this question accurately. The Whataburger chicken is better and the In-N-Out burgers are better. - I'll actually take that answer and accept it. The grilled chicken at Whataburger, you gotta lose the bun or else you immediately get cancer. That's how that works.
Lindsay, you and Trey got engaged very fast, very quickly. How did it make you feel when he proposed to you? Were you expecting it? Were you surprised? Tell us a little bit about the insight because we didn't get too much into detail about it. I mean, I was surprised. Did he even have to get down on one knee? The height disadvantage here makes it so that I feel like he could have stood straight up.
He's shaking his head no. You didn't get on one knee? He didn't. He sat on the edge of the bed and he's like, so do you want to marry me? Wow. That is fucking adorable. And did you immediately say yes? Oh, yeah, totally. Oh, my God. You guys are so cute. You are. This is incredible. Did you know that you're 69ing tonight? When you're as tall, when you have the height differential, it kind of always is that, but...
That makes sense. You're saying that you fuck Trey upside down a lot. I love it. I love it. What other position do you guys ever do? Reverse cow? Oh, there he is. Oh, we came here to groan. It's a brand new, never heard before joke. It only works when talking about sexual positions with a big couple. You leave out the girl. Okay.
All right. I don't really care about your guys' sex life. Quite frankly, I threw up in my mouth after picturing it. Trey, I would love to have you back on The Secret Show Thursday if you want. I'll be there. Can I make a suggestion? Can I make a little suggestion here? And I don't book your show, but I have to say it because her opening joke was so fucking strong. I think that you should go fucking back-to-back, five and five for each of them. This way they get to come in together, a happy couple. Let's do it.
There you go, they're doing the secret show. Amazing stuff, thank you. Here's a big joke book for you, Lindsay. Welcome to the family, you already have one, right Trey? - Thank you so much. - There you go. Congratulations. - Thank you Tony, goodbye. - Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. And like that, we're three comedians in already.
This fun train is moving along. This looks like a fun next bucket pool. Make some noise. Ooh, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi, huh? She's here, live, in the flesh. You can think about the Sacramento Kings all you want. You're still coming immediately. There is no injury on that basketball team, which you can last through that.
Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. It can be challenging to find and meet with a therapist that is the right fit. Talkspace is so accessible from personalized treatment to meeting online from anywhere to the ability to text your therapist at any time. Therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in network with most insurance providers. Most insured members have a $0 cost.
Copay or Red Band. Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting the help you need easy and accessible and affordable. I love how much Talkspace cares about providing mental health resources to those who need it. And you can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider that's right there.
Wow, that's a lot.
Veterans and teens, as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code Space80. That's Talkspace.com slash Tony, promo code Space80.
Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. You guys, I just heard something mind-blowing. Netflix has more than 18,000 titles globally, but only like 6,000 of those are available in the U.S., including the most-watched Netflix program of all time, The Roast of Tom Brady, in which a couple people did unbelievably great at. You're missing out on literally thousands of great shows unless you use ExpressVPN. Netflix hides content from you based on your location, but ExpressVPN lets you change your online location so that you can control where you want to go.
Netflix to think you're located. They have servers in over 100 countries so you can gain access to thousands of new shows and never run out of stuff to watch. This works with many other streaming services too. Disney+, BBC iPlayer, and more. All you have to do is fire up the app and click one button to change locations. Then you can stream in HD with zero buffering. Not to mention ExpressVPN keeps you private and secure by rerouting all your traffic through an encrypted tunnel. Speaking of an encrypted tunnel, RedBan...
Tony, I love ExpressVPN. It was so incredibly easy to unblock my favorite show, Black Mirror. All I had to do was open up ExpressVPN, select England, tap one button to connect, refresh, and now Netflix, there it was. Wow. So be smart. Stop paying full price for streaming services and only getting access to a fraction of their content. Get your money's worth at ExpressVPN. I'm so excited about it. I can't even say it. ExpressVPN.com slash Gil Tony.
Don't forget to use our link at expressvpn.com slash killtony to get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the Kill Tony, I do believe, debut of Grinch Martinez. Grinch Martinez. So there I was this morning at breakfast with my children watching InfoWars when I thought to myself, what would it be like...
If Alex Jones started reciting I-Spice lyrics, it would probably go something like, You think you're the shit, bitch? You're not even the fart. Stay tuned. We'll be right back. I think Alex Jones is right, you know? I think we should have a problem with gay frogs. You're a gay frog listening to this. I don't hate you. I love everybody, you know what I mean? Just keep it away from my young tadpoles, you know what I mean? I got young fucking tadpoles, impressionable. So I was at Chick-fil-A the other day, right? With my wife and kids, which is what you do when you don't have the abortion.
And I was thinking to myself, why do they call it an Arnold Palmer? Arnold Palmer, for those of you that don't know, he's just like an old white guy, played golf. But Arnold Palmer, the drink is a mixed drink. It's a half and half. We shouldn't call it an Arnold Palmer. We should call it a Tiger Woods. You know, he's half Thai, half Gur, you know what I'm saying? All right, that's my time. Grinch Martinez, ladies and gentlemen. Grinch Martinez. Wow. I mean, absolutely, unbelievably terrible.
That is incredible. No, it wasn't. Shut up. They're all laughs. Calm down. Come on. People come up here with zero laughs. Come on. Wow, look at you arguing whether or not that was a good or bad set. That's almost never. There's a guy losing his mind in the middle of the room right now. They left, though. What? Oh, my God. This guy's crazy. What's going on?
He's getting in trouble now. Forget it. Grinch, hello. How are you? It did suck, I promise. Sorry, okay. People weren't laughing exactly at the things you think they were laughing at. Do you think that Alex Jones impression is good? I've done better. Let's hear you do better.
Try to do better. Globalist and Chinese chai comms, ladies and gentlemen. I would bet that Red Band does it better, Alex Jones, than you. Come on, Red Band. Come on, join us here. Red Band notoriously doesn't do impressions. Ladies and gentlemen. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. This is Red Band doing Alex Jones. Black helicopters. There you go. No doubt about it. I was right. I was right.
famous non-impressionist Brian Redband just beat you in an impression off. Do you really watch a lot of Alex Jones, Grinch? Yes, sir. How long have you been doing stand-up? I moved here to...
December 21, so February 22, so about two years, two and a half years. You named five different dates somehow. Two years, two years, two years. Two years is the answer there. And how do you think it's going for you? Just open mics, really. Just trying my best with open mics. Do you love it? Does it make you happy doing them? Yes, sir. Okay. What do you do for work? I work at a pizzeria on 6th Street. Sorry about that. Oops. Oops.
Did you hit the bass drum there? Accidentally touched the-- yes. Is that your irregular heartbeat or the bass drum? I'm really nervous up here. Sorry. Sorry about that, Mike. Sorry about that. Amazing. I'm going to stay right here. Absolutely. You make the pizzas, or what do you do? I'm in the front of the house. No, no, no. I'm the cashier. OK. Absolutely. I've served you before. We've hung out. Yeah. We've hung out? Is that what you're saying? You've served me before, and we've hung out. Explain this hangout. Did I grab the pizza and then leave?
You signed my autograph. I what? You signed an autograph of mine. Oh, the bill. Yeah.
Yeah, they had me sign a, what bill was that? Was that a five? It was a two. It was a $2 bill. Yes, sir. There you go. Yeah, they asked me to sign a bill. I fucking did it. And you took care of my pizza. Yeah. I got one slice of pizza. Do you remember what kind it was? Yes, sir. Why don't you say it? Go ahead. It was a pineapple pepperoni. That is correct. Ladies and gentlemen, Grinch Martinez, absolutely nailing. This guy's very mad that I had pineapple on a pizza. Yeah, yeah.
Don't knock it till you try it, people. It goes great with pepperoni and sausage and penis. Grinch, tell us about your love life. You look like you could be the third member of the Trey and Lindsay. There's enough room on that California king. Oh, yeah. Yeah, nothing but thruple over here.
I'm married. I haven't had the wedding yet, though. I just... Yeah. How's that? I have two... Just the pandemic. During the pandemic, I had two kids in the middle of it. We haven't gotten married yet. But you... It's on the to-do list. Yeah, I need to get that done. Have you done, like, the city? It's hard for me to say that in front of all these people, honestly, to be honest with you. What do you mean? It's just, I don't know. It's something I've been dealing with for four years now. I've been trying to get married, you know? Oh. But can you go to a courthouse? I can. I should. You're right. Well...
- We didn't get that done. - You said that like I just gave you the idea of ideas. - You're right, yeah. No, it's just hard. It's just moving over here. I'm from California. - I got you. Where do you live? You live here though. - I do live here now. - Yeah, you can, I mean, you can just pick an afternoon. I mean, like it's not that fucking crazy.
What's been stopping you exactly? You know how to get on a plane, right? You go to the airport. So if you want to get married, you go to... Yeah, okay. All right. What's held you up up until this point, Grinch? Just hip deep in my two kids. Hip deep. You know what I mean? Just diapers and just, you know what I mean? How old are the kids? Two and four.
Even Red Band scoffing at you saying hip deep. The man famous for saying wild shit. No, I know. I know, dude. So the kids are what? One and three or so? Two and four. Two and four. Absolutely. And they're both with the same woman. You've been together four years. Six years. Do you always do stand-up in shorts? It's very hot outside, Mr. Thomas. I hear you. I'm just asking. I don't know. Okay. It's just.
It's a thing. It's a choice. All right. It is a thing. Stand-up in shorts. They say in the Italian mafia, they say a don does not wear shorts. And in stand-up comedy, they say a comedian does not wear shorts. I remember one time at an open mic at the Laugh Factory 17 years ago, I wore shorts. And I remember thinking to myself, yep, this doesn't feel good. No. No.
I'm never doing this again. And it's almost like a sure sign that the person's a fucking lunatic. Yeah. Yeah. No doubt about it. In fact, I was wearing a hoodie with my shorts that day. An Ohio State hoodie. I specifically remember khaki cargo shorts and where I was and the day of the week and the time. And I haven't done it since. That's how...
- Traumatizing. - And look how things changed for you. - Yeah, exactly. I put the shorts away, found Red Band, and my life changed ever since. - William Montgomery, famous, wears shorts and a lunatic. - He is a different type of soldier. He's an unorthodox weapon. He can wear shorts. He can also look at notes, two things that I refuse to do in a big set. - Where do you find, like where do you get up? Where do you try to get up on stage?
The Creek. The Creek in the Cave. Shakespeare's. Talk right into the tip of the microphone. Shakespeare's, The Creek in the Cave. I used to do the Rapolo's mic at the pizzeria before they stopped doing it. What else? I had the Buzz Mill. Done. They've got me over there. You're getting up. I'm sorry? You're getting up. You're getting up. Is your real name Grinch or is that a stage name? That's what everybody calls me. That's what everybody calls you? All my friends back home call me. Because you do kind of look like the Grinch. Yeah. Look at that.
That is amazing. That was funnier than all of my jokes. Careful, you're about to hit that drum. Oh, right. It's fun to go by a name that... What's your actual name? My name is Pete Peter. Oh, Pete. Yep. That's nothing like Grinch. Nope. Pete Martinez. What's something crazy about your life, before I let you go, that we would find interesting? Uh...
Right into the tip of that microphone. I don't know how it works. I've been to Antarctica. Or the brick in the cave, but right here. I've been to Antarctica. You've been to Antarctica? Yeah. What did you do up there? I was in the Navy. I did a cargo handling operation. They do it once a year. It's part of the U.S. Antarctica program. Why does everyone feel like you're lying right now?
Because I'm the Grinch. I don't know, his face. Something's nefarious all the time, I guess. All right. You've been on this show before. No, no, sir. Really? No, sir. No? Nope. Okay, well, welcome. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. There he goes, Grinch Martinez. Thank you.
I'm gonna count that as a bomb. He might not think that he bombed. I'm counting it as a bomb. And when somebody bombs, I have a special soldier I bring in. We're watching him grow in front of our eyes. A very polarizing figure. Made a golden ticket winner just a few months ago. This is a brand new set from Drew Nickens. Having a TBI in this platform...
I want you to know, if you work hard and you stay kind, you can achieve any dream you want. Right? Well, I want to accomplish like the ones before me. I'm talking about Gary Busey, talking about Aaron Hernandez, talking about Chris Benoit. I'm murdering TBI. I'm a childlike TBI. If you can't tell, I've stayed in mental health facilities.
It's the one place where I'm the most room. I like the ones that are mixed with drug rehabs, 'cause it's kind of like a Taco Bell and KFC. And plus, Druggies gotta eat 24/7, so I get all the razor brain crunch. I never had a girlfriend, but I did date a multiple personality. Lola, she hated me. Caroline loved me. I had a girlfriend four hours a day.
until Caroline got healthy. All right, thank you all so much for being on the talk. - Drew Nickens with another new minute. You know, one of the main things, and you know, sometimes people say that my hearing's bad. I mean, I don't have great hearing. I've been listening to loud music my whole life. But you know, sometimes they're listening to a cleaner version of the audio than what we have here. And they go, "How did they not hear? "It's so blatant. "Why'd they say what he say?"
But I'm here to tell you, I have no idea. Were you saying TBI? Yeah, TBI, traumatic brain injury. Okay. Yeah, the people that haven't had a TBI don't know what that is. We thought you said TV guide, and it was making no sense to us. I literally thought you said TV guide. And the people that haven't had a TV guide, I want a TV guide like Aaron Hernandez, Chris Benoit.
I'm like, oh, they had a TV guide? No, they didn't. No, they may have. You don't know that. I guarantee you Chris Benoit had a TV guide in his house. He was just hanging out. Whoa, Drew, stop it. You son of a bitch. You crazy bastard. You...
Wow. That was good. So one of the things I would say is make sure when you're-- the setups for your jokes, that people know what you're talking about. Say in TBI and-- you have to make sure you say, I've had a traumatic brain injury. And people will be like, yep.
And then you're in. Because if the setup isn't clean and clear, then everything else is off track. The payoff at the end, no matter how great your punchlines are, are rough. Make some noise if you honestly knew what a TBI was. Liar, liar, liar.
Shut the fuck up. There are probably no people with TBIs. Yeah, exactly. But also, you can say it once, the long form, and say, or as we call it, TBIs, and then you have that for the rest of your set. Okay, yes, sir. We're making Drew grow here. It's a fun thing to watch.
What was the TBI? The TBI, yeah. Can you explain a little bit? Is it uncomfortable? So I'll explain a little bit. I had a collision with something and it made my brain go whoop whoop. And so...
So it kind of changed who I was in a fact because, you know, some people, they murder, they get like really, I just gamble a lot. Oh, okay. So it changed your impulse control and stuff? Impulse control, I forget things a lot. Frontal lobe? Yeah. Yeah. Whoa, you're smart. Well, yeah. I've watched some of the same documentaries that you've watched, so, yeah.
Okay, so how long ago? It was about 10 years ago. Okay. 10, 11 years. Is there anything else that changed about your life when this happened? Is there something that maybe you were into or something that tasted good that wasn't good? What else changed? I didn't like sweet. I loved sweet tea before. And then afterwards, I was like, that's garbage. Wow. My goodness. Yes.
I found that I loved polka music after I got my head injury. Wow. Fucking dope. You love polka music? Yeah, polka, like Djokic. He loves polka because he's from Serbia. I love polka. It's so fun. You guys got any polka? What do we got polka-wise? One. Polka. You really do love it, Drew. All right, all right, all right. Well, can I ask something? Like...
So... Sorry. You look scared. No, no. It's not scary. I got the sweet tea. Okay. And I got the polka. Okay. And they... They don't, like, they're not, you know, life... Like, they're not like, oh, what am I gonna fucking do now? I don't, you know, but is there anything...
Of negative consequence, like a more severe thing. I don't mean like severe as in... I just mean a negative behavior that is a trait other than impulse. Yeah, it seems like you got a lot of good stuff out of this brain injury.
You're a fucking... You're an international comedy superstar. You're out here dancing to polka. Fucking... I deal with depression a lot. That's why I was in the mental health facilities. And I deal with, like, suicidal tendencies. Please dial 988 if you ever have a problem. You can also chat on the... 988. Is that a hotline? That's the suicide hotline if you ever have any trouble. Also, you could do...
Hell yeah, dawg. - Yeah, tell us more. Tell them what to do. - And you can also use the chat line so they don't have your information. I always use a fake name when I use it. I'm always Mickey. - Mickey? - Yeah, that's me, Mickey. - How many times have you called the suicide hotline? - Not lately. I kissed a girl a couple weeks ago. Let's go. - Oh, really? Oh my goodness.
And I did a honk. Wow. My goodness. What funeral home did you kiss this girl at exactly? No, where were you when you kissed a girl? On the back of her car at a Cidercade. Wow. In the back of her car? No, on the back of her car. She had like a PT Cruiser, so I was like, lean back. And I had her right here. I thought he was about to play the sad music again. I was like, damn!
- Wow. Did you take her to dinner? Did you go to-- - Yeah, we went to-- - Where'd you go, TBI Fridays? - Oh, man, you're so good at this shit.
We went to Terry Black's. Oh, okay. And they hooked it up, dawg. It was good. She didn't like banana pudding. That was a red flag. Oh, my goodness. Big red flag. Who cares about sweet tea? Did she like that? Dawg, if you drink sweet tea, you might be boring. I don't know. Unless you're in the audience. I love y'all. Have you ever tried a sweet tea lemonade? Grinch calls it a Liger Woods, perhaps. He thought that that got a big laugh. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I got laughs up here. I love it. So Drew, you kissed a girl in the back of the PT Cruiser and then what? Were you like, you want to take this back to my place? Did it just end there? How did that night end for you? I was like, hey, let's go get ice cream somewhere. You know, it's hot and heavy. Not heavy. It was hot and heavy. Oh, it was hot and heavy. Yeah, hot and heavy. Sorry, sorry. Enough about her. How was the moment?
Dog, dog, I felt like one of those 90210 guest stars, just like... - I don't know what that means. - Like, you know when you're-- - 90210 is only awesome if you've had a traumatic brain injury.
They don't play poker. Anyways, but then she was like, I got to go watch the newest episode of Big Brother. And then she left. Okay. I know. Sounds like a perfect first hang to me. Was she a bigger girl? No. Skinny? Black lipstick? No. I see what you're doing there. B5 phone, no. Oh, shit. Hey!
Fuck yes, that's how we get 'em out. True Nickens, ladies and gentlemen, out on a big lap. We got 'em, get outta here. It's not gonna get any... You know what? Let's get another one of our regulars up here. Ladies and gentlemen, when I say superstar, I fucking mean it. An absolute freak of nature. This is a brand new minute from the undeniable, Jim Patterson.
We're gonna wait for that. We'll get to a bucket pool. We'll do a bucket pool. All right, ladies and gentlemen, reset your expectations because this is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from what looks like a new name. Make some noise for Roman Schmidt. Roman Schmidt. So I grew up in a small town, and one thing they say about, like, small town people is that they're, like, racist and stuff.
And like, I can't say I remember a moment of racism, but I also grew up Catholic, so I'm pretty good at ignoring obvious problems. Not true Catholic, though, never done anal, so... with a woman. I found out that brown eye was in reference to your asshole, which shocked me, 'cause my priest referred to it as my flower, so...
Living in Austin, this is my first real experience with homeless people. And I don't know about you guys, but I get called a faggot a lot by the homeless. It's to the point where I'm like, they know something I don't. I've never questioned myself until I got here, and I'm like, is it the way I walk? Like, what? Thank you, I've been Roman Schmidt. Absolutely unbelievable. This is the second time you've been on this show, right? Correct.
And both times you've been absolutely hilarious from beginning to end. Wouldn't you agree that the crowd has been completely receptive both times? Yeah, super fun. This was awesome. Yeah. Remind us again. How old are you? 22. And how long have you been doing stand-up? A little over two and a half. 22. Two and a half years in. And most of that was in Wisconsin? Yeah, two years in Wisconsin and the rest here. Uh-huh. So you've been here about six months. Uh-huh.
Like eight, eight or nine or whatever now. How do you like it? The scene is super fun. The city's whatever. Yeah, well, I do get called a faggot a lot, and I don't... Take it from me, Roman. That's every city. That's not just an Austin thing. I get off the plane everywhere else, and immediately the pilots are like, good day, faggot. Enjoy it out there. 77 and cloudy. Yeah.
Good to know, good to know. I'll prepare. Yeah, it's not an Austin thing being called a faggot. I was hoping it was. Take it from me. Perfect. Take it from me. And by take it from me, I mean this cock is un-gay! No, I'm kidding. All right. Tom, what do you think about the young Buck Roman here? Yeah, that was a great set, man. Very funny stuff. Thank you. Very funny stuff. Where are you being called a faggot so much?
-Well, it's usually-- -Just walking down the street? Yeah, 'cause I like to be downtown and, like, right outside and all that. Do you walk on all fours or something like that? Sometimes. You got to switch it up. It's good for the back. No, it's usually, like, a homeless guy's like, "Can I have a dollar?" I'm like, "No," and I'm like, "Bag it," and then they walk away. And it's like, "That's cool," you know? Yeah, that is cool.
- You didn't have them in Wisconsin? Where'd you go, where'd you live in Wisconsin? - Madison. - Madison? - Yeah, that's where I started. - You ever go to Milwaukee? - I never actually left Madison. - Oh, but that's, 'cause if you go to Milwaukee, they'll call you a fag too. - Yeah. I was in Milwaukee when I was real little, but I was not like anywhere in the city though. - Yeah. - Okay. - Have you ever thought about beating the homeless guy to the faggot? Perhaps saying, you know, "Hey man, do you have a dollar?" And you go, "No faggot."
No, I'm too nice, I've been told. I've been too nice. That's the Wisconsin in me, I guess. Give us some examples of the nicest things you've ever done in your life, Roman. Oh, jeez Louise. I took it. That's very nice. That was very nice. You know what, dude? You're a faggot. Can I have a dollar? No, jeez Louise. Tell us some more. I actually say that a lot. We are faggots, dude.
I love a good cheese Louise. Probably every day I say that at some point. Do you say heavens to Bessie too? No, that's too faggy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So give us some of the nicest things you've ever done. Growing up, I'd serve for a lot of funerals for the older people. I'd do that all the time. You would serve at funerals? Yeah, I was an altar boy, so you'd just serve mass and...
You served that ass up? Is that what you said? You know, I'm gonna, yeah, at this point. But, no, just like church stuff. Did a priest ever get touchy with you back in your altar boy days? No, I was pretty fucking ugly. I was a goon. But if you were an altar boy now... Oh, I'd have so much ass from the priest. Dude, I would be killing it in the church. Absolutely. Put it right in your Holy Spirit. You know what I mean?
Let's talk about the dark side of Roman Schmidt. Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Cheese Louise. What's some of the meanest or nastiest things you think you've ever done in your life? What pops in your head? Naughty boy, Roman Schmidt. Well, sometimes when I struggle to sleep at night, I'll sit on the balcony of my apartment and I'll shoot a jailblaster at the homeless walking by. Have you ever thought that maybe they're on to you? No.
- No, it started after them calling me that, so. - Everything's tied to the homeless with this guy. - Have you ever taken one down to the Rainy Street Bridge perhaps? - I don't know yet. You guys gotta find out, wait till. But that wasn't great. Good riff by me. That was good riff.
No, it's just, you know, late at night, shrugging sleep. I'm close to it. They're walking by. They piss me off sometimes, so... How do they piss you off, just walking by? Just call me a faggot. That was... Oh. They just, even in the dark... This is gonna end poorly. Yeah, I know. I've never said that word that much in my life, so... And now two million people are gonna see this, and my mom, so...
Oh, frick. And your priest back home in Wisconsin. Yeah, this is going to be cool. It's going to be awesome. Yeah, no doubt about it. So we've seen the light. We've seen the dark side of Roman. What about that 22-year-old love life? Prove to us you're not a faggot. Tell us something. I can't. I can't. Oh, okay. I wish I could, but I, yeah. I...
I just go out and do stand-up every night, so I just... I'm not even like even thinking ladies at this point. You don't do the apps or anything like that? I do, but then I just go on there and I just start criticizing profiles and stuff. I'm not a good person. What app are you on? Are you on Plenty of Faggots? No, I'll download Hinge and be like, "Why did we pick this picture?" and stuff. Have you been on a single date in Austin?
- Yeah, I've been on a couple, and that was about it. - Where did you meet those girls at? - I was doing an open mic at NAR Bar, and her friend told me she was cute, so I was like, guaranteed to get a number this time. - How did that work out? What did you do with that girl? - We went and got food a couple times. I guess this famous food place on the other side of the river by the park or whatever, burger place, but nothing too special. - Did you land a kiss or anything like that on the back of her PT Cruiser?
No, the front of it. But no, not with her. I kissed some other chick, but that was... There you go. Yeah. All right. It's not that interesting, yeah. Who was the chick that you did kiss?
Some random? Some blonde random girl, yeah. Nice, that's cool. It was pretty rad. Where'd you meet her at? On 6th Street. Just walking down the street? Yeah, we made eye contact and she just kept it. I was like, well, I guess she's interested. I'll try to get a number. And then, same thing. I fucking feel like we're looking at a future serial killer. Yeah. I wish that was the first time someone told me that. I really do.
'Cause it's a nice facade, and there's some real darkness in there. No, I-- This is-- Everyone thinks I'm such an innocent person, and then I show them, like, my TikTok reels, and it's just people dying all the time. -Yeah. -I'm like, "Whoa." -There it is. -Yeah. There it is, dude. And it-- The problem is, it's not that it's them dying. It's me laughing. That's... This is the good stuff. Keep talking. Keep talking. Yeah. Like-- Like, one time, I was watching "Saving Private Ryan" with my dad.
And I laughed at that. - At the, all the deaths? - The whole movie. - Yeah, the whole movie. It's a fucking real knee slapper, right? - I know, it's... My dad-- - When they storm Normandy and shit? - Well, what really got me is, I don't know if anyone watches the background, but one guy lost his arm and then was just casually looking for it. - Yeah. - Yeah.
That's funny. That's funny. Yeah, like no one... And I was like, that's hilarious. And I was laughing a little too hard. Just don't forget how fucking dark you really are, okay? Yeah. All this nice fucking Madison Boyd bullshit that you start with, let it go, because you are a sick, demented person. Yeah. And that's what you got to lean into. You're a dark individual. It is great advice. I completely agree.
- Thank you, thank you. - There's two sides of this. - This kid's fucked up, man. - Well, the thing is, I know that, but everyone just looks at me like, "He's approachable." - Yeah, no, sure. - He's like, "Homeless people keep calling me a faggot when I'm choking them unconscious." You got a big joke book last time you were on, correct? - Correct. - And there you go. Roman Schmidt, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again.
You're not gonna invite him to your little show? Wow, look at you playing hard to get over there.
Hello there! This podcast is sponsored by SimpliSafe. Have you ever felt a sense of unease when you leave your home wondering if everything will be safe while you're away? I know I have, but it wasn't until a friend of mine got his house broken into that I realized how urgently I needed a security system. And I knew my family deserved the best. After some extensive research, I found SimpliSafe. I love having SimpliSafe protect my home and the security and service. I've exceeded all of my expectations.
Red Band. Oh, Simply Safe is awesome, man. I just got a whole bunch of it. Tony, I love it. It makes me feel safe and secure when we're on tour. I just arm my system before bed and when I leave for a trip, and it gives me an incredible peace of mind. I also love that I can check my camera recordings to make sure all my valuables are safe while I'm gone. That's right, Red Band.
With fast protect monitoring and live guard protection, SimpliSafe agents can act within five seconds of receiving your alarm and can even see and speak to intruders to stop them right in their tracks. You'll never be locked into a long-term contract, so you can cancel any time. Pricing is transparent and affordable at less than $1 per day with no hidden fees ever. SimpliSafe has been named
Best home security systems by U.S. News & World Report for five years running and offers the best customer service in home security according to Newsweek. It's easy to install and activate your SimpliSafe system in less than an hour or choose professional installation to have a pro do it for you. So protect your home with 50% off a new SimpliSafe system plus a free indoor security camera when you sign up for fast protect monitoring. Just visit simplisafe.com slash killtony. That's simplisafe.com slash killtony. There's no safe like SimpliSafe.
When you need mealtime inspiration, it's worth shopping Fries for thousands of appetizing ingredients that inspire countless mouth-watering meals. And no matter what tasty choice you make, you'll enjoy our everyday low prices. Plus, extra ways to save, like digital coupons worth over $600 each week and up to $1 off per gallon at the pump with points. So you can get big flavors and big savings. Fries, fresh for everyone. Fuel restrictions apply.
Ladies and gentlemen, it must be that time. One of the most esteemed regulars in the show's history, I present to you the force of nature that is Cam Patterson. I'm trying to act and shit. I've been going to auditions. I ain't got shit yet. They don't want me. They want a different nigga. Every time I apply for roles, they always-- I just can't be nobody but myself. I applied to be a British nigga a couple days ago.
That didn't go good at all. I was like, "Pew, pew, cheerio, fuck, nigga." Don't do that. "Teen Crumpets pussy!" Wasn't a good time. I also don't make good decisions. I recently told you I bought a 2003 Acura, and that was a dumbass choice. I shouldn't have did that. I do like my car, though. My car dope. I like it a lot. My car is pretty cool, 'cause my car like a thug, you feel what I'm saying? Like, old cars are thugs in my mind. Like, my car was done when Tupac got shot. It's seen a lot of shit. New cars is pussy.
Real shit, like a 2024 car, pussy as hell, dog. If you could lock in a Tesla, it'd probably beep a lot before you put your seatbelt on, please. Please put your seatbelt on or you gon' die. And that '03 Acura, if I don't put a seatbelt on, fuck, nigga, you wanna die? Let's die, brother. I been trying to die a long time. Let's go, nigga. - There he is. He's done it again.
It is true. Everything you said is true. The new cars is pussy. Took some notes here. They be beeping. They beeping shit. They be beeping. My car don't beep for shit, bro. It don't even tell me when the gas getting low. You see the sign, niddle. You see the needle, bitch. I want to eat. Pussy feed me. It don't tell me nothing. I like that, dude. I like it a lot, bro. It just broke down a couple days ago. It probably pissed me off. But...
I got to start that bitch with a screwdriver now, but I'm having a good time. Wow. Yeah, I like it, dude. Is that because you stole it? No. No, I didn't steal it. It's not a stolen car. I bought the car. It might be stolen from somebody else. That's true. But it's my car now. I love it. That's a newer car? No, it's an 03 Acura. It's the same one. It really is an 03 Acura. Yeah, niggas think I'm playing. This is real shit. Wow.
You stay true to your roots and by roots I mean the movie. If y'all don't know that's a slave movie white people if y'all haven't watched it. A lot of y'all didn't laugh that was pretty funny. I was like what's going on here? Root is a slave movie. Do you understand that Tyler? Hell yeah this is good. That's a Tyler right there. That's definitely a Tyler. Like a damn sure Tyler. I know a Tyler when I see one for sure. Hell yeah.
And that's Armando right there. - That is Armando. - Yep. - I bet you're close. What is your actual name, sir? - Oh, shit. - What's your middle name? - Wow! - Clemente, oh shit. - Oh, close, nigga. - Chris, hey. - Rodriguez? - Garcia. - They tried to hide that shit in the beginning, but you can't hide that shit for long, brother. You messing with my nigga, hell yeah. That's hard, that good. - I'm Chris. - Clemente Garcia.
- The old switch was real, dude. I think that's probably the reason why you need a screwdriver to start your car. Old Clemente Garcia in there trying to get it started. I love it.
- Man, that's some amazing, have you really been going on auditions? Do you have to send them in on tape out here? - Yeah, yeah, I've been trying, I've been trying a little bit. But I just sound like me, that's the problem. - You what? - I just sound like me, so I can't, it's hard, it's tough. - You shouldn't have to audition. - I mean, I don't know, nigga. - This is crazy. - We're gonna talk after this. - People be like, "Babe, do this shit." I be like, "All right, say less." I try to be a waiter, they be like, "What's up, pussy? Go your food."
You wanted a cheese wedge, nigga? Here you go, soldier. You are a superstar, man. They shouldn't have you auditioning. I don't be knowing. They should be writing roles around you or nothing at all. You shouldn't be wasting your time for these fucking Hollywood nerds. That would be nice. We need an urban character looking for a young Kevin Hart type.
It's just crazy that your fucking stupid manager has you doing stupid shit like that. It's unbelievable. But here's a little behind the scenes for you guys. Cam's a superstar. He's a draw. He can sell tickets at any point in any city at any time. So these managers and agents, they fucking cling on and they go, I can help you. I can get you a super deal. Just give me 10% of your ticket sales and I got you. And then they have you...
exhausting yourself sending in tapes. Who's video recording these? Which friend on your couch do you have? I got a tripod and shit. So you're doing it yourself? Yeah. Who's reading with you? Uh, uh, Ahsan and everybody, people from the club. Ahsan and Derek and shit. Ahsan and Derek. Yeah. And shit. Yeah. Very cool.
What's like the, is it mostly just that? Is it like, what are the characters doing that you're reading for? One of them, I was trying to be a moose in the show. A moose? Yeah. But I couldn't do like a, I couldn't do a moose voice. It was like for an animated thing. Yeah. Oh, good.
- Yeah. I mean, not like a fucking, yeah, not gonna make me a moose today, that's crazy. - I mean, I don't know, Tyler Perry's out there making a whole bunch of crazy shit. Tyler Perry goes to Antarctica. Hey, what up, bitch? I'm a moose. Cosby beeping and shit, I mean, moo.
I could really be like a Broadway actor. I feel that shit, though, for real. Yeah? Okay. Yeah, yeah. Let's do some lines or something. Yeah, let's do some lines. Let's do a scene. What the fuck was that, Redman? That lawn order, nigga? This is a Hollywood detective. All right, let me be a doctor. You want to be a doctor? I'm a doctor. You guys got any doctor music over there? I'm the patient. Yeah, you're the patient. Okay.
Oh, man, I've just been waiting for this doctor. Why do they always take so long? It seems like some kind of scam or something. What's up? Are you Tony Gang? Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me. I got... Oh, shit. What? There's no way you're the doctor. Yeah, I went to a lot of medical school for this, man. It's been a long time coming. Where did you go to medical school, sir? Uh...
Bethune-Cutman University. I will die before you talk to me any longer, doctor. Wait, hold on. Wait, I got your results back. Oh, okay. And you got canceled for it, nigga. You're dying. Oh, shit. Shit. Well, Dr. Dre, thank you so much. Thank you.
That was exactly how Christina found out. Hello, babe. Yeah, bad news. I just got back from the doctor. I have cancer of the pancreatitis dough. Oh, you know what that sound is? What the fuck? Is that me? That is you after breaking your arm. Yeah, yeah.
- And tendon, both. - Don't forget, double whammy. - Oh my God, it is unbelievable. One more time. We sometimes use it when the topic of gay sex comes up. - It sounds really good. - Every time, every time, gay and fuck. - Thank you, doctor. It's so unprofessional of you.
Yo, that shit gay as fuck. That shit gay, though. It felt gay, too. Cam, you are unbelievable week after fucking week after week. Your energy, your sense of humor, it's off the fucking charts. One more time for Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. He's great, man. Yeah, he's unbelievable. Taking over the world. Bunch of great stuff coming around the corner from him.
Back to the bucket we go. We found him out of the bucket. The next Cam Patterson could be next. Make some noise for Mike Ivey. We're going to meet him all together here. Hey, comedy mothership. Oh, my God. Austin, Texas. New home of stand-up comedy. Love it. Great to be here. Only way this place could be better if there was a Chick-fil-A here.
Love a Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A, oh my God. Religion has done some bad stuff, but Chick-fil-A is not one of them. Am I right? Huh? Oh yeah, love it. Why can't there be more fast food restaurants based on an actual cult? Come on. Get some Scientology tacos. Yummy. How about a Jehovah's Witness DoorDash? Come on. Oh fuck, the food's here. God damn it, fucking Jehovah's Witness DoorDash is here. This burger tastes like Jehovah. Shut up. Nobody wants that. I like to go to Chick-fil-A and tempt the faithful.
You know, walk up there. How about we open this bitch up on a Sunday? What do you think? Yeah? Yeah? No? All right. How about let me get a number six? Number six and another number six! Make my sandwiches upside down! If you do that at a Chick-fil-A, if you do that at a Chick-fil-A, free holy water with every order. Thank you very much. My name's Mike Ivey. Thank you! So stupid, but...
It was, it did make me laugh a lot there at the end, the possessed Chick-fil-A customer. Mike,
Red Band had a real fucking, I mean, just abruptly just furious because he is our senior fast food correspondent. And it is an extremely well-known fact. And I think you know where I'm going here. You're looking like you're trying to think or be curious. I understand. You know exactly where I'm going, don't you? Wendy's? Nope. There's a Chick-fil-A.
Two and a half blocks away from here. Oh, I know. In fact, breaking news, Michael Gonzalez, will you hold that up? The entire crew ate Chick-fil-A before. You got damn right. You got damn right. Because Jesus is Lord. That's right. I'm sorry. What? No, you're right. No. Jesus is Lord. But, you know, how long have you lived in Austin? About three years. About three years. And...
You know, so there's a way to get into that same thing by saying that it's right here down the street. Have you ever looked for a Chick-fil-A? No, yeah. I was going to do another joke, but then I didn't have any water back there, and that joke requires me to do a lot of breath work, and I'm not going to do that. The joke that you were going to do requires you to do a lot of breath work? Yeah. There was no water back there? No water back there. Really? Heidi had a liquid death back there, but I didn't want to do that because that would be creepy and my dream, so I was like...
- Wait, that would be what? - Heidi had a liquid death back there and I was like, "Can I have that liquid death?" And then it was like, "I think that's Heidi's." And I was like, "I want it so much, but no." - I see. - Yeah. - It was an already open can of liquid death. - She kissed it with her mouth hole. - I don't think that that actually happened.
It's true. That is a fact. I did not lie. You saw her kissing. There's a liquid death back there. I said, can I have some of that liquid death? Because I'm ingenious. Who did you ask? I asked the guy who was the assistant back there. And you're like, can I have some of that open liquid death? I asked for water first. And then they were like, I don't have any water. And I'm like, god damn it, I want some water because I want to do my joke.
And there was liquid death there. And I'm like, can I have that liquid death there? And they were like, that's Heidi. So I was like, oh, that'd be super creepy. Just had a few cans of water back there in case someone that just ran across the street loses their fucking life. Oh, God, I got somebody fired. No, it's a good thing to have that if we don't. Sometimes I have to go through it. We have a can of water anywhere? Oh, here it comes, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for little Christy, everybody. One of the adorable squad members here. Yoni's right-hand woman. Thank you.
Here's a fresh can of Liquid Death. We had Heidi squirt in it right before. Go ahead, drink some water there. Oh, you might want to move that tab back a little bit. Got caught on your very normal-sized lips. Totally normal. Nothing different about those lips. Bacon sauce! Oh, my God. Red Band, you've outed us. Okay.
So wait, are you saying, because I was trying to figure this out here, you're saying that you did know that there are the Chick-fil-A here? Oh, well, I couldn't think of it at the time. I was like, I changed my joke at the last second. The Chick-fil-A joke has been doing well, so I was like, I'll do the Chick-fil-A joke, whatever. But you normally do that joke in a city that does, because your setup was, they got to have a Chick-fil-A, they should have a Chick-fil-A here. I was trying to make it in the moment, right? So I was like, oh, hey, how's it going? Good to be here, you know, because it is
because it is good to be here. And it would take a second from getting used to my fucking cadence because I'm a fucking weirdo. No, you don't need that. Okay. And you said you did the Chick-fil-A joke because you were doing good? Is that what you said? No, no. I did the Chick-fil-A joke because it was my backup joke. I called a Peyton Manning audible. I was like Omaha. I fucking pulled out. Peyton Manning wins when he calls. I did okay. That was a seven. That was a solid seven. This is a fun episode where the people are arguing about how good they did. That's a very rare treat. No, Tony, I did good.
These are not the Jedi you're looking for. Oh yeah, here's a big joke book. You're a regular now. I'm retarded. Great stuff. It's totally working, everybody. Oh, wow. Look at this. It's the... All right. Very good. Sorry, sorry. All right. So how long have you been on stand-up? Oh, too long. 14 years. I started... Oh yeah, that's right. Whoa. Mm-hmm.
14 years of okie-dokie. Where have you been doing 14 years of stand-up at? Well, I told the story before, but I started out in Cleveland, Ohio. I started out because I was doing speech therapy. You told this story here before? I didn't tell this story. This part of the story I did not tell. I started out doing comedy as speech therapy.
Because I couldn't be in a room full of people, I couldn't talk in front of people, I said, "I need to fight this demon." I went to exposure therapy. Stand-up comedy, one of the hardest things to do. People don't like talking in front of people. I was funny. I know how to write. But I couldn't talk, so I started doing stand-up comedy. So I was medically bad at stand-up comedy. And then eventually, people noticed my writing as I got better. I started getting paid. I went to Pickwick and Frolic in Cleveland, Ohio. I've worked there, I've been on that stage more than any other comedian in history.
I stayed there way too long. - It was an open mic. - No, no, no, I started working there. - Like Hilarities? - My first time was an open mic. Hilarities, yeah. - Hilarities, yeah. - Nick Costas, yeah. - And you were on that stage more than what? - Any other comedian in history. - Who told you that? - You know how I know I was there more than any other comedian in history? - How? - 'Cause I was there more than any other standup comedian in history, Tony. I was there way too much. I know what the Fry's talk, I know everything about that fucking club. You know where the bodies are hid?
You know what I mean? Like I know where there was a rat there one time. I know a whole fucking thing. I've been there way too much. I over committed to that club. I loved it. You know, whatever. - You ever have a TBI? - What's that? What's TBI? - Exactly. It's a traumatic brain injury. - Oh, maybe, actually maybe. - Perhaps you recognize this song. It's the TBI song. - That actually may have happened. - What does that mean? How does it maybe happen? How do you know?
When I was a kid, I bumped my head. You got a TBI. The best damn band in the land. Flexing their improvisational skills. How did you two just do that at the same time like that? You guys wrote that? Holy shit. My goodness gracious. This place fucking rules, by the way.
We know. We're here every Monday. This is what we do. Goddamn right. But welcome. You might be at a Chick-fil-A next week going, man, I just wish I was in a city where there was a Kill Tony taping. Ha ha ha.
Mike, before I let you go, anything else crazy about your life that would surprise us? You ever do anything nuts? Do you have any special skills or talents other than being the most comedian at Hilarities in Cleveland ever? Which is very highly up for debate, but we're going to let you have it. It existed for decades before you were ever there. Yes, it did. Yes, it did. But they need a black comedian that can cross over. It's very interesting how politics work in comedy clubs.
Not here. No, I'm kidding. Please like me. Oh my God, please. Okay. I didn't get a little joke book. Can I get a little one? Please. You don't get to ask for it, but you know what? Since you asked, we're going to give you an extra tiny one. There he goes. There it is. Mike Ivey, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
He did indeed put it in his mouth, I saw. I'm just not gonna give him the unbelievable attention that he craves. One more time for Mike, everybody. Ooh la la, Heidi's trying to get me liquored up over here. We got another bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Patrick Cassaday, everybody. Patrick Cassaday. Here we go. Here's Patrick.
Mothership, what is up? So happy to be here. Anybody else ever walk in on your parents having sex when you're a kid? 17 times? It gets awkward after four or five. It's kind of my fault the first time they asked me what I wanted for my birthday. And I was like, I want to watch. So I've never wanted a bike more in my life. Speaking of awkward birthdays, I just turned 50 19 months ago.
Turning 50 is not so bad though. There's this new thing called FFBs. Have you guys heard of this? 50-year-old fuckboys? No? Nobody? Fuck. Been trying to get this going for 19 months. Actually, here's some bad news, guys. My dad died recently. I've been having a hard time trying to talk about it with my black friends because I don't want to think I'm appropriating their culture by not having a black father. I'm just kidding. I don't have any black friends. That's my time, guys. Thank you so much.
Patrick Cassaday. Welcome to the show, Patrick. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my 20th time. 20th time. Three months, about three months. Three months, so 20 times in three months. What made you want to start now? 51? 51 years old, correct. What made you start now? My dad and I...
It's okay. Tell the real story. I know. I don't want to cry, though. My dad got real sick. If you cry, it'll make the whole audience fall in love with you. It'll be great. Trust me. Just look out there to the people. Don't just turn towards me. Lift up your hat a little bit, Patrick. There you go.
Now tell us why you started standing. My dad had a stroke right after the vaccine. Oh. And I've been taking care of him for the last three years, 24/7. And he made me promise-- we always watch "Kill Tony" together. It's one of the things that we did every Monday. And a lot of stand-up comedy. Just we didn't want to cry. We wanted to laugh. So he made me promise when he passed that I'd come out here and I'd do this. And he passed in April.
So I bought a RV and a truck and I towed it out here about two months ago and I've been signing up ever since. - Wow! That's an amazing fucking story. - Thank you, thank you. - Wow! I guess, I mean unbelievable. - Yeah. - You fucking changed your life to fucking do this? - Yeah, yeah. - Wow, dude. - Yeah, I'm actually, I'm leaving on the 10th to go back to Sacramento and sell my house and then I'm moving back out here. - Wow. - Wow. - Yeah.
So, wow. A couple questions here. You're crazy. How soon after he got this totally trust the science
Yeah. Vaccine. One week. One week. He had a massive stroke. One week afterwards. And coincidentally, as safe as it was. Lost his ability to walk, the 24-7 wheelchair. I had to feed him. Isn't it funny how we hear stories like that all the time on this show, but you never hear it from the mainstream media at all? But with real human beings, with real lives, we hear it here all the time.
All the time. So interesting. What an anomaly. Keltoni draws people that draws a certain type of people that talk about injuries from a vaccine that many companies and government things made mandatory for humans to get. How crazy is that? Yeah, I didn't get it. So no nanobots. I don't know what's in there. Right. So one week later, your dad has a stroke. And you said that he said, when I die,
Yeah, he made me promise to come out here. Promise that you'll go do Kill Tony. Because I'd watch Kill Tony every week and I'd be like, oh, Austin's the place for comedy, man. I've got to get out there. Do you think that that's because he didn't want to see you in your stand-up? That he would request that when he did...
Only after I got... He's been watching my stand-up since I was six years old, so he's a big fan, yeah. So he's been watching you be a funny guy for a long time. Yeah. You have brothers and sisters? A bunch of steps, but nothing. A half-brother in Canada that I go see every now and then. A bunch of steps. That's Red Band's worst nightmare. Uh... Uh...
So you bought an RV specifically to come to Austin, Texas. Tell us about this RV. Describe to us. It's a 30-footer. What did you give up? Where'd you come from? Sacramento. Sacramento. So you buy the RV in Sacramento, and you drove it all the way here. Yeah, I bought a truck in my dad's name because it got a better interest rate. Oh, yeah. Definitely. Talk about your crimes. Yeah. It's fine. I'm giving it back as soon as I get back to Sacramento. They understand. That's good. Yeah.
Put it in your dad's name. That's a stroke of genius. Yeah. Way better interest rate. Way better interest rate. Stroke of genius. Now I just got that fuck. Okay. Tell us more about the RV. Does it have any special features or weird things about it? No, it's pretty standard. My dog, I have a dog, so that's why I got an RV and didn't want to just come out here and rent a hotel or something, so...
My dog's chilling back in the RV. I don't know, it's nice. Do you leave the air conditioning on or something? Oh, yeah, 24-7, full on. That seems like a terrible place to leave a dog. No, it's 71 degrees in that RV right now. Wow, incredible. It's nice. What was with the fucking... You go, I turned 50 19 months ago. Like some old fucking broad. That's like my aunt's joke about her age.
Are you like, I don't want anyone to know I'm 50? Well, I was telling people I was two and a half score, but I think they got the wrong idea. Yeah, but do you care that you're 51? No, no. Yeah, you can't. I mean, look, you're 20 times in. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, you're going to do... Perfect time to start stand-up, right? Well, no. It's horrible. It's one of the worst decisions a person can make, but... Yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah. This is... I mean, this most likely will go terribly, but...
20 times in means you're like a fetus. Oh, absolutely, 100%. Hundreds and hundreds of times. But as somebody who's seeing you on your 20th time...
You don't have to be like, I'm not really 51. You know, like, just... Yeah, it's a stupid joke. I'll kill it. Yeah, kill it tonight. Let it die. Never tell that joke again. The good news is, when you did that joke, your father actually rolled in his grave. So there was some movement seen there. Well, I got him in the trailer, actually, Tony. He's in an urn. Wow. I thought you were going to say he's in the 71-degree RV right now. That's incredible.
But it's bold that you're doing this. It is bold. And you're doing what you want to do. And I think that's great. Thank you, Tom. Thank you.
That is amazing stuff. You set a goal, you're doing it. So you're planning on staying in Austin? I have to leave on the 10th, but I'm gonna just go back, sell my house, and then I'm gonna come back here. Really? Yeah. Wow. What were you doing before-- Before my dad's stroke. I was doing insurance. Pretty boring. Yeah, terrible. Horrible life. Terrible. Good money, horrible life. Amazing, amazing.
It's amazing. Insurance. What insurance company? PNC, basically, you know, home and auto. Oh, PNC. Property and casualty. Okay. Boring. All right. Well, how about wife, kids, anything? Ex-wife. She just actually flew out here and visited me while I was out here. Really? So, yeah. She give you some of that ex-pussy? No, no. We're just friends now, so. You just what? We're just friends. Really? Yeah. You didn't do anything? I mean, you've done it a thousand times. What are you going to do?
What are you into now? What are you doing now? You invite a girl back to the RV? I did take a girl back to the RV from a comedy club. Wow. Not too long ago. Your dog must have been like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chain came off on the way home on the motorcycle, too. It was pretty embarrassing. Wait, what did you say? She's a little bit bigger girl, so. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Chain came off on the way home on the motorcycle. I had to stop and put the chain back on. The chain came off. Oh, what the fuck?
The fucking suspension snap. She was off the chain. She was off the chain. Oh, my God. You know who you are. I like how you said, a little bit bigger girl. A little bit bigger than me. Okay. Really? Bigger than you? No, I was kidding. I was kidding. Oh, okay.
All right, Patrick. Well, you know what? I love the fucking story. The set was very, very, very okay, but not bad for 20 times. But all the amazing stuff that you said, I'm giving you a big joke book. Made by the great Bonesign. Thank you, everybody. It's real Texas leather with a lifetime guarantee.
Oh, it's such a clutch off-season pickup, Dave. I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant those blackout motorized shades. Blinds.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install? No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some from my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install. Hall of Fame's son? They're the number one online retailer of custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the GOAT!
Shop blinds.com right now and get up to 45% off select styles. Rules and restrictions may apply. We all have plans in life. Maybe to take a cross-country road trip or simply get through this workout without any back pain.
Whether our plans are big, small, spontaneous, or years in the making, good health helps us accomplish them. At Banner Health, we're here to provide more than health care. Whatever you're planning, wherever you're going, we're here to help you get there. Banner Health. Exhale. We're going to keep it moving along. You guys still having fun? Let's get a couple more quick sets. Make some noise for this bucket pool. Scotty Heim. Scotty Heim. Scotty Heim.
Scotty. How we doing, Austin? So I'm from the Midwest, and senior year of high school, I had a buddy of mine move from Compton to Iowa. And you know it's tough in Iowa when Compton's just a little better. He moved back after two years battling potholes. He decided to go back and fight the Bloods. He's a crip from Compton, and it was better to fight the Bloods than live in Iowa. Yeah.
Does anybody here have conservative friends that love Latinas? It would make you think the border situation is a little less than a crisis. Like the ideal situation would be like a Mexican glory hole. Like I'll fuck you, but stay on that side of the wall, you know? Thank you guys. Scotty Heim. There you go.
Hi, Scotty. How are you? Good. How are you doing, Tony? This is your first time on the show, right? It is. First time in Austin. I love it. Where are you visiting from? From Quad Cities. Yep. Iowa. And how long have you been in town? Since Friday. Okay. You done anything fun? Anything good happen? Most fun thing we've done is go to a gay bar. Okay. What happened at the gay bar? It was a great time. Okay. What happened?
No Tony jokes. He wasn't there, I promise. I was. But it was awesome. No. Okay, go ahead. Why don't you tell us what actually happened at the gay bar, Scott? I can't tell you. I don't remember the name of it, but three-story. You had so much fun that you don't remember the name of it? I forgot. Wow. I mean, you know, you do all that. What did you do? Dance. I hopped in the dance circle. What song did you dance to? Do you remember that? All of them.
All of them. Do you want to tell us something else? I got tons of loads of stories to tell you, Tom. Nice. Very nice. Loads of stories. Yeah, we heard that. Yeah. We heard that. So, you go to a gay bar, you dance. How does the night end? In a hotel room with my best buddy sharing a king-size bed. He organized it. All right.
Perfect fucking timing. Red band from three-point range. Wow. You can't beat that. That was fucking perfect. That was absolutely perfect. So how many buddies were in this king-size bed? Just me and one. Just you and one. You said buddies. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. So it was one? It was just one, yeah. I promise I'm straight. I promise. You don't have to be.
I don't have to be, but I promise I am. And you and your buddy-- buddy. Yes. Do you do this frequently? You guys do this a lot? Pillow between the two of us. But do you guys go to gay bars a lot for fun? That was my first time, and, uh...
Yeah, very impressed. I will be returning, yes. I would argue that putting a pillow in between you and your buddy makes it more gay than not having a pillow there at all. Like, you guys need to actually build a fucking little fort blockade to fucking keep your dicks away from each other's asses. That's what it takes is a physical wall. A barrier or we don't fuck. Like, yeah.
After a night at multiple gay bars? Like, man, the temptation is just growing right now. Just one gay bar. Just one, okay. But it was three stories you said. It was, and we ventured to each story. I bet you did. You looked like you were teasing the boys that night. That's what the smile said. No, no, no. No? No tease. You were not teasing? I don't tease. Okay. You please. Please.
Okay. But you were dancing. Were you dancing with some guys? No, no, I wasn't. You were just dancing by yourself? There were groups, and I got introduced to the circle. You guys, you were doing the electric slide there for a second. Was it like that? It was a lot of friction in the electric slide. Why don't we see, why don't you guys give me a little gay music here, and let's see what, oh, look at the horn voice. Yeah, yeah.
♪ We went ♪ - No, don't sing, dance. Don't sing, they got the music. ♪ We conquered ♪ - No, stop singing. Listen to me. No, keep playing. Keep playing, don't sing, just dance. - No dancing. - Here he is, gay dancing, ladies and gentlemen. Scotty Heim. Oh, okay. Oh, wow, all right, Scotty, that's enough, that's enough. Master improviser Scotty Heim there with some gay miming.
The old gay mime routine. So what do you do for work, Scotty? I work for Coca-Cola. Oh, well, not anymore. Unbelievable. We're inclusive. What do you do at Coca-Cola? I'm in sales. So... Amazing. The band is dying of laughter right now. I'm not sure what's going on back there. They must know something. I think something fell out of your butt when you were dancing.
So you're working at Coca-Cola, living in Iowa. Why do you stay in Iowa? What's the point of doing such a thing? You went to the university there? Born and raised. And you stay there. Do you just like milk and cornflakes? What's going on? Cornflakes and milk, can't beat that combination, first of all. Second of all...
- Ah, my God. - I hate it. - This is a very special TBI episode of Kill Tony. This is absolutely incredible. You fell off a trampoline when you were a kid. Bumped your head, am I correct? - No. - But you have hit your head very hard before.
Yes. Yes. What was that, a car accident? No. A four-wheeling accident. Farming equipment. Farming equipment. It was farming equipment. No, you're just lying to us. A baseball bat. Okay, what happened with the baseball bat? I love it. What happened with the baseball bat? Not too many head injuries, to be honest. I...
You know in baseball, how you do the cool baseball bat moves? I tried that one time and I literally struck the back of my head with my own bat. Wow. That's like one of the dumbest ways you can do that. Yeah, it's unbelievable. I have dumber, yes. Have you ever thought about surrounding yourself at all times with pillows?
That's why me and my buddy put one between us, yes. That's right. How old are you? I'm 24. And how long have you been doing standing? This is my 20th time, yeah. Wait, that's a second 20th time. That is unbelievable. I did hear that, yes. I mean, what are the absolute odds of that? Incredible. Did your father have a stroke after the vaccine? No. He just stroked my mother. Wow, there you go. Your first joke. You know what?
You know what I'm gonna do? Just 'cause of that, I'm gonna put down the little joke book and I'm gonna pick up a big one. - Appreciate it. - There you go. You got one joke in there at the end. - Thank you, guys. - There he goes. He slid into home plate. Just stroked my mother, Scotty Hine. All right, let's go with one last bucket pull here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Pat Bautista, everybody. Pat Bautista. Make some noise for him. These people waited all day, everybody.
I just moved here three weeks ago and I like it. It's great. Your moths, the moths, they're big and they're intimidating and I think if they were... If they could... If they could speak, like, English, they'd say bro a lot and I don't get along with the moths here. They're way too big and they're just too much... Okay. So...
Look, I came here to cleanse the LA out of me. I grew up in LA and it's gonna be a rough road. When I was third grade, my teacher used to force us to watch his acting reel and he did not have any lines. He had like a thick mustache and hair plugs and we just kind of look where you go and you, okay. I went to a... Ladies and gentlemen, Pat Bautista here with the Austin Moth Report.
Pretty sure what you're seeing are bats. Pretty sure those are bats. What's up with that way? I saw a big moth. You saw a big moth. Perhaps a butterfly? It was a moth. How do you know it's a moth? Talk into the tip of that microphone. Okay, it could have been like a baby owl, but it was big. It looked moth-like, you know? It was the same color. There's huge moths out here for sure.
There's some big moths? Yeah. I see them all. Like, one, like, this big. Looked like a little hummingbird almost. Where do you see these moths at? Up north, yeah. Up north? Yeah, it's crazy. On the outside of your window? They come on the patio, and they just sit there, and it's scary. They're huge. And they have, they got big guy energy, too. They just don't move. They don't, like, you don't even care. Are you getting bullied by moths, dude? This fucking guy. It's unbelievable, these fucking people. Yeah.
What do the moths ever do to you? What do they do? I don't know. They just don't... I don't like their attitude. They just don't... They don't move. They're just like, you're there, and they don't even, like, get scared. They're just like, yeah, I'm here. I don't like moths that... I kicked their ass, but it looked like a blood... like a murder scene if you hit... You've killed one before. No, I was... I don't know. It's true. It's true.
They're big. I don't... You know, killing a moth is bad luck. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's ten years bad luck, especially if you're Filipino. What ethnicity are you? Filipino. Yeah. Damn, that's terrible. I cannot believe that you're Filipino. That is shocking to me, even though you're built like Manny Pacquiao's left leg. This is amazing. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy, Pat?
It's about 10 years. Whoa. No way. 10 years. Are you kidding? Yes. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? Let's just answer honestly. It's been about 10 years. Start talking like a fucking moth, dude. Here I am. Don't kill me. Batista, please. Show me some mercy. All right.
10 years. Where have you been doing it for 10 years? In L.A. Where in L.A.? The Comedy Store open mics? Where at? Yeah, the Comedy Store. I mean, for all we know, you could be a main room regular at the Comedy Store right now. Are you on the part the way things are going? Okay, that's only funny to us. All right. Kill Tony. Yeah. I did kill Tony. You did kill Tony? Three times in a row. And then the fourth time I was too...
Well, no, that was the third time I was too messed up to get up. You were too messed up to get up. What happened there? Comedy store weed that-- it surprised me. And then I went into the parking lot and I just stayed in my car 'cause I didn't-- I thought the windows were-- I don't know. I just couldn't-- And I was really stoned. Something surprised me. Did you smoke weed before this set? Huh? You smoked some weed before this set? No. You sound like a-- the pull weed. Yeah, well...
I just want the, you know, the answer. Yes, I did. Okay, all right, cool. But I couldn't handle the ones that I, yeah. No, no, because it's, I actually think it's obvious you've been on stage a lot. You're very comfortable on stage. But then when you were just like, I'm going to talk about moths. I was like... Okay, like...
I didn't know how it worked. I didn't know if I'd get out and just go to my jokes, so I just went with whatever was in my head. You said that you've done this show three times before in Los Angeles. That was years ago. The format has never changed. Not for a single episode. So when you say you didn't know, what do you mean? It's been a while, so I don't really... You watched the show? I didn't remember. Yeah, when I was out there. And you heard other people before you, right? You were back there. Yeah.
But you didn't know. I got a little ADD, and so I don't-- Certain things don't soak in the brain-- my brain sometimes. Do you only do stand-up high? Be honest. No, I just start-- Well, I mean, yeah. Lately, you know.
I'm trying to stop. That's the reason why I'm like... You're trying to stop what? Comedy? No, weed. Weed doing comedy. Weed doing comedy. I believe Cam said that earlier. You might have a little too much weed doing comedy. We'd be doing comedy. So...
Pat, I mean, so many questions. The longer this interview goes, the more questions I have. Why is it so hard for you to wait until after you're set to smoke marijuana? Why not do your work and then reward yourself? It is stressful. But I'm going to change because that's the plan.
Definitely. No, I am. That was the plan. This was just the week. You got to channel some of that nervousness and anxiety into the performance and don't numb it with anything else. Exactly. Just do the set and deal with the nerves and the anxiety and all the stress. And then when you get off stage, do it.
you'll probably find it hits way different. Yeah, there's no question about that. Taking it head on. You'd have a clear head about the set you were going to plan out for this and you'd stay focused on it and you'd come out, do your set, and you'd be tight. It's obvious. I can tell that you've been on stage a lot. I can tell. The other fucking lunatics that were out here? I can tell...
I could tell they came from the bus stop, and I could tell that you've been on stage a lot. But that's the problem. Like, you know, a lot of the guys we start with, like, they would always do, like, do shots or drink. And if it becomes, like, a crutch for it to deal with it, then it eventually becomes too much. You know what I mean? It overwhelms the performance. So you just, I mean, you're a savvy guy. You're funny. You're naturally charismatic. You're very funny. So just...
Yeah, just smoke weed when you're done, dude. Yeah. When do you start smoking weed? No doubt about that. You must listen to what Tom just said. You've been doing it 10 years, and I literally thought when you said, I've been doing it 10 times, I thought you were going to say times, because the last two guys have done it 20 times, and you're worse than them.
Hey, sorry. I know moths be scary and all, but... I mean, you just didn't have me, really. But the weed is why you're like, I'm gonna, like, fucking these moths are crazy. Yeah, exactly. That's why you did that. What the fuck? Oh, my God!
And then you didn't even get to your set because like your set was starting to go. When do you start smoking? First of all, can I take a guess here? I'm a longtime stoner, but I wait. I tend to wait at least until after I'm done with work. Can I take a wild guess here and say that you smoke out of a water bong? Am I correct? No, that's what got me addicted was the water bong. Right. During lockdown.
That's what got me. Okay. What did you smoke today, for example? Got it. What did you smoke today? A joint, a blunt? It's a very easy question. Okay. A joint. I was like thinking about strands. It's okay. Where were you when you smoked this joint?
Stick with me here, Pat. Very easy questions. Literally couldn't be an easier question. Where did you smoke the weed today? Were you in a car? Were you out back? I was out back. Here. You were just out back here. Did they already tell you that you were going up and then you smoked? No. I was before. I've been waiting out there for a while. I didn't think I was going to get. I know. Yeah. Sign up started four hours ago. Yeah. I know. That's when you started smoking? Yes. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
And when's the last time that you smoked weed, if you had to guess? About an hour ago, two hours ago, or then, four hours ago when you got here? Probably like an hour ago. Yeah, you smoked a couple times. Yeah. Just in case. Yeah, it was just not, I did not think I was going to get picked. I did not think I was going to get picked. I hear a little bit of that Filipino. What do your parents do? What nail salon do they work at? Am I correct? Yes.
- No. - Okay, what do your parents do for a living? - My parents, my mom's dead. - Oh, damn. - So she's, that's her job. - Wow, yeah, that is a full-time job. - That's funny, dude. - That's what-- - That's very funny, bro. - Tom is spot on, you're a funny guy. You just need to not-- - And the other reason, the other reason that you gotta do it after is that if you start to rely on it, the shows get bigger and bigger.
the pressure gets higher and higher. And so, like, if you're doing a fucking huge theater and arena, you don't want to have to be like, "I got to get it. You know, I'm used to smoking before that." It's going to overwhelm you. You know what I mean? So you got to perform. I mean, I know some people do. Performance over, dude. Performance over. Get high in the morning if you want to. Get high when you get off stage. - Well, there you go.
That's why I've been telling Red Band to not drink before the show for 11 and a half years, everybody. Swears he needs it. Can't go without... Wait, what about dad? He told you mom's dead. What about dad? Mom's dead. She died from nail polish poisoning. There was no nail polish. How did mom die? That's Vietnamese, I think. Wait, what'd you say? Vietnamese? Doing nails. What'd you say? Nails. It's like more of a Vietnamese-Korean thing. That's right. Your mom was a nurse, right?
No, my mom was like a white American mixed. Okay. So she was a secretary. Oh, that makes sense. A white woman job. White woman job. And your dad? Who was your dad? My dad works for LAX.
LAX? Okay, at the airport. Okay. What does a Filipino man do at LAX? Baggage? Oh, trafficking. No. He does the baggage, yes. There's a fucking Filipino guy in charge of directing the traffic at LAX? Get him. Get him. No wonder I'm stuck on the jetway for an hour and a half every time. Oh, we're going that way. No, this way. This way. No, that way. Shit, I fuck up. Oh, my God. Is that a moth?
Oh no, an airplane. I'm sorry, airplane. I thought you were a big crazy mom. If your mom is white, your dad has to be 180% Filipino, by the way. How you ended up looking like this? Yeah, it's my dad. Yeah, my dad. Oh, God.
I kept you up here. Wait, how long are you in town for? Oh, no, I'm staying here. I live here now. You know, I'd love to give you five minutes on the secret show. Are you fucking serious? You're giving him five minutes and the 22-year-old guy that kills every time? You know, I love the moth material. There you go. I want you to check his eyes first before he gets to the stage, okay? Before I let you go...
Ten years of stand-up. Yeah. You gotta have something better than all that moth stuff. How many of you think we should hear his best joke that he's ever written in his entire life? Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah.
All right, Red Band, very smart. I love what he's pitching to me. Red Band says, "If this joke sucks, you don't get to do The Secret Show." Oh, man. Oh, man. But how about this? If it goes good, you get six minutes of The Secret Show and an extra 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, 10 years in the game.
Here he is with his best joke ever. It could be as short or as whatever as you want. You can tell he's still trying to think of what his best joke he's ever written is. Ladies and gentlemen, stoner, the son of a traffic director, and a dead white woman. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best joke in 10 years of Pat Bautista. That one was my top one, okay.
I'm gonna need some money. If you go to onlyfilippinomonkeyfeet.com, I got really long toes. And I got some bangers. I got the one where I got holding a banana with my big toe. And then me climbing a tree, right? And then since it was tax season when I wrote this joke, you know those cute little calculators at a 99-cent store?
I got that on the big toe and then my W2's on the next. And then the rest receipts with the caption, "I came prepared." So if you got that monkey feet money, I got you. - I'm pretty sure this guy's doing six minutes on Thursday. Good enough. The crowd laughed. You should have ended it a minute sooner. But there he goes. What do you-- All right, Jesus Christ almighty.
He's got little monkey hands too. Batista. All right. That was fun, huh? I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. This is a long awaited return. This guy was out of commission last week. I'm sure he's back. Just a bundle of energy. He is a Kill Tony Hall of Famer. He is the record holder for all time appearances and interviews in the history of the show.
Fresh off of more sold-out shows, the man is an absolute machine. In fact, he is a big red machine indeed. I present to you the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tornado, the Vienna Vaginal Vortex. This is Lights Out, William Montgomery. And Tony, just for the record, I'm high as fuck right now, man. Holy shit.
Big congratulations to Lizzo. She is now focusing on her health and has lost half of her body weight. Lizzo, I'm sure it feels so much better to be walking around at 450 pounds, you big-ass bitch. It stands, you bitch! Somebody told me that Hall & Oates broke up. I didn't even realize they were dating. I thought you would like that maybe, Tom. Shit. Hey, Tony, what do you commit when you quit smoking cigarettes and start using pouches?
Zinfidelity. Look, I'm not saying Red Band has monkey pox, but why is his fiance now calling him Honky Kong? Okay, that's my time. Hell yes. 55 seconds of thunder and lightning.
Only he can do it quite like that, calling Lizzo a straight-up bitch. Yeah, she is nasty, but she is losing weight, so I'm really happy for her. It's gonna add years to her life. Wow. 'Cause the past she was on, I mean, that fucking nasty fat bitch, she was probably dying in, I don't know, three fucking years or something, but this will probably at least extend her life, I don't know, 15, 20, so... - Oh. - Be good. It seems like she's real successful right now, so...
Tom, it's so nice to see you. It's great to see you, buddy.
Tom actually took me out. It's the one time I had asked for so many years if I could open up for people, and Tom, you were the first kind soul to say yes to me, so I still thank you so much for that. Absolutely, and it happened at a Kill Tony show. It happened, yes. The only time on Kill Tony it worked. Yeah, we had fun, man. That was a good time. Yeah, I used to hang out with that Filipino dude all the time at the comedy store. We used to do cocaine and drink together. Really? That's not a lie, yes. Is that true? Yes, I used to get fucked up with it. I forgot his name. I don't even know his name.
But yeah, we used to get fucked up all the time at the comedy school. Really? You and... Yes.
I was a mess. I loved it. I love Filipino people. Yeah. Yeah. You really did cocaine with him? I think we did. Yeah. There were a number of people, Tony. I would end up being up all night on Monday nights and just going to do blow at different people's apartment. And they were probably lucky I didn't kill them or I was lucky I didn't get killed. I don't know. A lot of people could have been killed in that scenario, but nobody was.
You were a wild boy back in the day. I don't think people remember. And, you know, we've grown a
a lot the last couple few years. I don't even think these new fans know what you used to be like. Yeah, I don't think they realize for just a little insider baseball, every Kill Tony you've ever seen me at at the comedy store, I was high on cocaine and my vodka Sprite. Every single Kill Tony appearance at the comedy store. I guess scratch all the advice that I gave. This worked out great, man.
Yeah, except this guy hasn't really laughed at anything. I don't know what his fucking issue is. He looks like a fucking little twink over there. He got the little twink table over there. Other than that, and that little fucking pussy right over there. Did you think I didn't see you, you fucking idiot? Did you think I didn't see you? Tom is-- I look up to Tom, so don't fuck with me when he's up on the stage, dumbass. You must be one of the idiots talking shit or something. I can tell just by-- You're not?
Wow. This guy's been laughing the whole time, William. Oh, has he? Yeah, he was crazy that you would attack him. I'm kidding. I apologize. Seriously, I'm sorry. That guy right there with the long hair and glasses hasn't been laughing at all, though. Oh, there he goes. He started smiling at me. Yeah, he looks pretty strange down there. Have you not been having fun, sir? Huh? What?
Yeah, I could hear you dumbass. I was just trying to see if I could actually get you to keep on repeating yourself like an idiot.
But yeah, Tony, it is so nice to be back. Yeah, I'm sorry I missed out. I wasn't feeling it. And my voice, even right now, is totally wrecked. So we'll see. I'm at Mall of America this weekend, Tony. So really looking forward to Mall of America. What are your plans at the Mall of America? Probably get on my rollerblades and skate through that motherfucker like Mighty Ducks. I think I'm going to go through it like the Mighty Ducks. That's my goal. Is that where they were set out of? I think. Is that true? Were they in Minneapolis?
Yeah, I think, right, Red Band? Yeah. Yeah, Red Band, our senior Mighty Duck correspondent. Um...
Wow, so the Mall of America. I've never been to the Mall of America. I've heard about it a lot. Have you been there? Oh, yeah, I've done a couple of weekends there at the House of Comedy. Awesome place. You did? Yeah, there's roller coasters in the middle of it and stuff. People showed up? Yeah. Wow. When was this? When were you headlining the Mall of America? Like five years ago. Wow. Oh, shit. What the hell is that? Oh, shit.
I love it. Amazing. So what else is going on, William? Tell us more. Oh, man. I'm just, Tony, I don't know. I think I'm very soon. I got to figure, I got to chill for a little bit. I feel like the comedy is going wonderful. I'm feeling very strong about the comedy, as strong as ever. But I got to take a little break here soon. I have to take some sort of a break, Tony. I'm getting burnt out a little bit.
Is that funny? What's kind of funny about that? You can only imagine what I'm going through right now, you dumb motherfucker. You can only imagine. What's funny about that? Seriously, what was funny about that? Just the idea of me struggling or something and needing to take a little break? Is that what was funny about that? Huh? Is that what was funny? Me kind of struggling a little bit in my life? Yeah? Oh, my gosh. Thanks, sir.
Thanks, you fucking idiot. Look at you. You look quite... God. William, have you been on the road a lot? I have almost every weekend. It's been wonderful. Oh, so you've been gigging a ton. I have been a lot. Okay, so you're kind of getting burned out from the road? Yeah, no, it's wonderful, but I just have to take a little break. Yeah, that's normal. You should. Good, man. But it's been a lot of fun.
And please, if you have a birthday, get a Cameo, please. But those things are taking, they've continued to take over my life. I've now done over 7,200 of the motherfucker. - He's literally one of the biggest money makers on all of Cameo. - How much is a Cameo? - I end up seeing around, I don't know, a hundred bucks. - They're a hundred bucks a piece?
Uh-huh. So do the math on that, you little pussy. You think that's funny? Yeah. How much is each cameo? I think it's $155. I was just getting so many. I've continued to have to do the price up. I was getting 100. I was having 100 to 150 at a time, and that's daunting. That's when I start feeling like I'm going crazy. According to Red Band's calculations, you've made $1.1 million. No, cameo takes way more than that. No, it's nowhere near that, but...
Because that's not always been the price, but that's just what it is right this second. Holy shit. So you don't really need to do any calculations, Red Band. I think it'll be hard for you to figure out what I have actually made. Oh, 69. Wow. Red Band. Now, William, one of the things that I find so interesting about you in real life, and this isn't brought up on the show very often, but you're a very thrifty guy. I find you to be kind of like a...
I wouldn't say smart with your money. It's kind of interesting because you do make vast sums of money. You do not spend it much at all. You could tell by the way you're dressed tonight. - Pretty frugal. I've just been losing mass sums of money on the stock market. No, I'm kidding. The stock market's been good. Gotta give a shout out to my guy, Chief Theory. He's my financial analyst. I'm not even kidding.
Thank you, Chief. No, but yeah, I've just been doing that. What do you spend your money on? What are some ways that you're not frugal? I get the real versions of Oreos. I don't get the knockoff versions of Oreos. I get the real fucking versions of the cereal. I don't get the bags of the cereal that the poor people get on the bottom. I don't get that. I get the actual things of cereal. That's kind of it.
I don't know, got a TV, I don't know, eight months ago. - Nice one? - Yeah, pretty nice, like a 45 inch. Woo, the bedroom. - Yeah, that's ballin', dude. - But yeah, I don't know, Tony, I'm working on it all. - Okay, well, I love it. And you fly, do you fly first class? - No.
Do you have a preference in where you sit on a flight? - I like to sit at the very back of the plane because I want to watch everybody screaming and crying as the plane is getting crushed up forward. So if I'm at the very back, I'm gonna have at least a second of just getting the absolute carnage unfolding in front of my fucking face. So I sit at the back. - William.
You have absolutely done it again. The only way to end a show like this is with you. Is there anything you want to do to take us out, William? Just have fun this week, y'all. You think you'll always be in the back of the plane? Shit, I think I probably...
William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Bell is in. We did it again. How about a hand for Tom Segura, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. Get your damn tickets to the Moody Center, February 22nd, 25. In the ballerina in Denver, September 14th. And everything else, awesome, fun. Tom Segura, the specials, the podcasts, everything. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John Deese on the keys. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Carlos Sosa...
Castillo and Raul Vallejo. The drawing from Chris Rogers. Cam Patterson tonight. Thank you guys so much. Red Band, you want to say something? Thank you again to Tom Segura, the fucking man. Thank you live audience. Say thank you.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
When you sign up at WorkMoney, you could win $50,000. With the average renter paying around $2,100 per month, that means you can have rent covered for a whole year and more. So you can be more. And when you're more, that means you get more. And more. Ooh, but not so much of that. Sign up at WorkMoney. Get money-saving tips. Skip the rent. Get more rich. Sign up at WorkMoney.org slash MoreRichContest for your chance to win $50,000.
