#679 - MATT RIFE
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchclick! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Fuck yeah! Welcome, everybody. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Yeah!

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You guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a one-guest night tonight. This is a comedian who I've wanted on this show for a ridiculously long time. I remember meeting him about 13 years ago when he was a young buck opening up for the great, late, great, one of my old best friends, Ralphie May. And now I can say, it's time.

In all honesty, truly one of the biggest stand-up comedians in the fucking world. Has a brand new world tour, his second global tour coming out, and the newest special on Netflix. I present to you, you are here for the Kill Tony debut of Matt Wright! Yes! The man...

The myth, the young legend, Matt Ripe has joined the fold here live on Kill Tony. We are going to have some fucking fun tonight. Me? Anyone you want. What's up, Austin? What's up, everybody? Everyone's cool?

Good to see you guys, dude. This is awesome, man. Thanks for having me. We're going to have a blast. I've wanted to do this forever. Lucid is out now on Netflix. The New World Tour going out for sale right now. MattRifeOfficial.com. You're doing it, buddy. You're living the goddamn American dream. Finally, dude. I've known you since I was 16. That's so creepy. Un-fucking-believable. It is. He's also my mom's favorite comedian. My mom...

She's got great taste. 77. Sorry, I mean, she tastes great. 77. Oh, you son of a bitch. You ate a 77-year-old pussy out? Jesus Christ. 77? 77, dude. Damn, okay. But you met her when she was 66.

Yeah, exactly. She was a smoking cougar. She was so sweet. She's still in Youngstown? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You don't really leave. No, no. If you stay in Youngstown this long, you're stuck there. Yeah. I'm going to go back barrier soon. It's going to be great. Oh, that's depressing. Yeah. I'll already be there. Yeah, it'll be great. You're going to fuck her to death. It's going to be great. She literally has a cocktail napkin that you signed after that show. She got it framed. Yeah.

I remember the phone call. She was the only show she ever went to because I was so close with Ralphie Mae. And fucking she goes, because all she knew was the comedy store at the time. I mean, that's all there is. No one's going to shows in Youngstown. But she saw you open for Ralphie at that show. She was a guest of Ralphie Mae. And you blew her fucking mind away. She's been on the show. She's been on panel. She's done a set on the show. Oh, yeah. That's so cute. She's a legend. Perhaps even a future Kill Tony Hall of Famer. Who knows? There we go. And.

And she framed that fucking cocktail napkin and told me that day, that next day, I remember, she goes, I'll tell you, the kid that opened for him is a fucking star. He's going to be a star, Tony. I go, who in the world are you fucking talking about? What do you possibly know? And she has that cocktail napkin still framed on a dresser with all this fucking shit. That's so cute. Which goes to show, Hinchcliffs are geniuses. Yeah.

Matt Wright, first time on the show. Let me explain to you, there's over 300 people that signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. 300 fucking pieces of paper in this mamma jamma. They're all piled in across the street at a bar called Poor Choices. If I pull one of the names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which interrupts them, I conduct an interview, we meet them all together, and the whole thing's improvised, anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

Let's start it with one of our esteemed regulars, ladies and gentlemen, this guy, an absolute legend of Kill Tony. We met him when he was sleeping in his van, doing open mics all around the world. He couldn't stop doing open mics, up to four, five, six a night. Now he's one of the highest ticket-selling comedians in America. This is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

Hey! What's up? I can't believe there's a woman running for president right now. Is this a fucking circus? They just got the right to vote, now they want to run the whole thing. Not on my watch. Kamala, more like blah blah. What is this bitch shrieking about? But yeah, I don't think anyone wants to hear women talk. I think we just want to... No, seriously. I think we just want to hear the air moving around their tits. Of course not.

God, I fucking hate women. What? They're racist to Asian guys. Women want a strong, confident American man that's going to attack Iraq twice for no reason. They don't want a cunning, careful Asian boy that's going to pick the right harbor. Thank you. Wow. Hans Kim with a very punchy set. Wow. What a way to get the show started. Hans Kim. Thank you, Tony.

Amazing. A very woman-hating set. Are you trying to win over all the incels in your Instagram comments right now? Incels! All right. We're a shy bunch. Yeah. Do you have a girlfriend? Yes. You do? Yeah. She's in Europe right now for three weeks, going to bars and drinking. Where in Europe? She was in Budapest. She was in Amsterdam. She was in Ibiza.

Oh, people cheat in Ibiza. Yeah. Yeah, probably someone very beautiful, someone with beautiful eyes like you. Stop, dude. I'll kiss you on your mouth, dog. Shut up. Shut up, dude. She's not here. Who's going to tell her? Shut up. Hans, weeks without a girlfriend, and here you are flirting with Matt Rife. Wait, how long has she gone for? Three weeks? Three weeks, yeah. You're going to get back, and you're going to have fucking Lego hands, dude. That's a long time to be single.

After being in a relationship? Thank you, Matt. Matt thinks this is how big my cock is. That's the whole thing. No, it's the actual size of a Lego man's hands. It's that big is what he's saying. What have you been doing to please yourself during this time? We know you are a sex-addicted masturbating machine. What's been going on with you, Hans? Have you been keeping your Hans to yourself?

Yeah, my Hans has been on my Hans. The fuck does that mean? My Hans has been on my Schwanz. Just workshopping. Have you been watching porn or something? A lot of porn. What kind of porn? Have you been in anything wild lately? What's new for Hans? I love Japanese massage porn. Whoa. They trick a bitch.

How does that work exactly? What is Japanese massage porn? Usually the husband is within earshot. Like physically? Yeah. In earshot? Yeah. And then they just start touching her. And then it just goes crazy. So he just watches this go down? Sometimes, yeah. It's like a photo shoot. Like this is a fashion shoot. And then she's fucking another dude.

So he cucks it the entire time. I've never understood the cuck situation. Leave. Yeah. Get out of there. She's not into you, dude. Right. She's not the one. What is it for you, Hans, that turns you on watching a man watching a girl having sex with another man? I just love seeing a normal person then have sex because I don't know how to do that. So I just want to learn how to get from normal to sex.

from normal to... Sorry, guys. That's a real live apology from Hans Kim. You don't get that very often. The Asian massage porn, do they do the full massage up? Do you have to watch an hour? No. No, I fast forward and... Okay. All right. He's a good man. They're usually quick to the point.

I'd be kind of mad if they ruined my massage. It's also pixelated though, you can't even see anything in Japanese. Is that true? Are you watching pixelated Japanese porn? Yeah. Now what is it about that? Why are you watching the Japanese version of this when you couldn't possibly be watching just American cuck porn? Because Japanese are like seducing and tricking and all that and Americans are just like just doing it. It's just like, it's kind of boring.

I like the process. Everyone hates me. Absolutely incredible, Hans. Amazing stuff. It's kind of sad. It is. I know. It's fun. He's that guy. He is that guy. Hans is going to hang himself with a green belt. Ha ha ha!

Karate. Karate belt. That is a karate joke, no doubt about it. Woman president, this is all true. Have you heard this week that she's drunk all the time? This is a new thing that I've... That makes sense. I don't know if it's just coming up on my Twitter feed. She's like a wine mom, drunk. Yeah. Like a soccer mom. Yeah, and it kind of makes sense. It seems like that could possibly be true. It explains a lot. Have you heard this theory? No, this is the first time. Thank you. Yeah, there's leaks coming out of her camp that she's drunk all the time, which would... From now on, when you see...

her and all the videos of her speaking makes perfect sense. Breaking news. The person who's in second place on all the polls to be president seems to be drunk all the time. But, you know, I mean, it's up for us to decide when you hit the polls in November who you want. You know what I mean? No big deal.

It's all your choice. Hans, are you going to vote? Can you vote? Yeah, I can vote. Not near a school, but I can vote. Hansi, you're a great, great person to get the show started. You did it again with a punchy new minute. Thank you, guys. There he goes, the great Hans Kim.

And now to the bucket we go. As you know, this is where shit gets crazy. This is where we discover new comedians. It's where we find crazy people. Anything can happen. These people wait all day for this. Their odds are literally 1 in 300. And here we go. It begins with the comedy stylings of Ben Williams. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ben Williams. Here he is. I hope y'all doing good, man. Because I'm not.

Because somebody backstage, he called me Welvin the Great, a.k.a. D's Nuts Guy. Got him. And that made it worse because yesterday, this dude, he got mad because I didn't give him a dollar. So he called me a great value Dave Chappelle. I was like, I'm broke, nigga, I'm broke. And that's crazy because if Dave Chappelle heard that, he would probably be like, that's not something I would say. But that's Austin for you, man. Like they say, keep Austin weird. I say, keep it the fuck away from me.

This dude, he asked me, can he borrow my lighter? So I give him the lighter. This motherfucker start burning himself with it. I get further down the street. This dude, he got his shirt off. He got garbage bags around his hand. He beating the fuck out this tree. And I just wanted to know, like, what was the root of the problem? I'm pretty sure everybody heard the news about Donald Trump getting shot. And it wasn't news to me because in my neighborhood, everybody gets shot. My dad got shot and nobody cared. Not even me. And I'm the one who shot him.

Thank y'all. Ben Williams. Thank y'all so much. There you go. A minute 15 from Ben Williams. You've been on this show before, Ben. Yes, sir. This is my fourth time. Fourth time. That's right. I couldn't possibly forget a smile like that that you have. Yes, sir.

Those teeth are really something else. That's a badass vest you got on, too, man. Oh, thank you. We're complimenting each other. This is great. We're going tit for tat on compliments. He wants a vest for when you drown in that pussy. That's right. And so that you don't shoot me. Yeah, exactly. It's bulletproof.

And a flotation device. I love how you laugh like you're crying. Has anyone told you that, that you look like you're crying when you laugh? No, you're the first. Well, there you go. You're the first. Absolutely. It's all happening here tonight. I noticed you kept glancing at me to see if I was laughing throughout your set. In between each joke, you glanced at me. Tell me why you did that. No, I wasn't glancing at you. You must have been looking at me.

I was. I was looking at you. You are correct. You like what you see. I'm currently hosting this show, and you realize there's video cameras everywhere that will have you glancing at me in between the jokes. I'm not wrong. No, I was looking at that dude, man. He look cool. Nope. Literally, we made eye contact every time. Yeah.

I even saw you out of my peripheral when I was taking a note glance in between jokes when you weren't glancing at me. It's all on record. I was looking at Matt, dude. Nope. Again, I know I used to be a little gumpire. I know what I'm seeing. You weren't looking at Matt. You were looking right at me. So now. No, no, no. Don't take all the glances. Jealous. He's jealous, guys. He's jealous. It's enough for me to go around. It's okay, guys. It's all right.

That's true. There's enough teeth for everyone. It is very amazing. Have you ever been to a dentist, Ben? Yes, I've been to a dentist. What do they say when they see those things? What do they say? They say I have a great smile. They have to say that. Before or after 9-11?

And that's Redman, everybody. Redman's here tonight for a little comic relief. Would you like to explain that, or are you just going to let that one? Give him one more. Give him one more. Which is the tennis? Was it before or after 9-11? That long ago. Never mind. Oh, the dentist. There you go. 2001. Got it. There it is.

There it is. Even Ben looks confused over there. It's like, what the fuck? No, I'm not living. I got that Joe Biden over there. I don't know what's going on with Red Bad. Today's Thursday. It's Thursday.

Oh my goodness. I love it. How long you been doing stand-up? It's been a year and three months now. Okay. Good shit. The first time I did this was four months. First time I got on, I had been doing this four months. A big chunk of that have been in Austin, Texas. Shout out to you weird motherfuckers.

Where are you from originally? I'm from Galveston. Galveston, Texas. It's like outside of Houston. Still Texas. Still Texas, yeah. It's three hours away. But where I'm from, don't nobody go nowhere. My mom was like, you're on your own. It's three hours away. She'll never come here to see me. I'm sorry. What do you do for work? For work, I do day labor. What?

What kind of day labor? Doing day labor. They have you picking up trash sometimes off the highway. They have you doing certain construction jobs and stuff like that. Is this community service? No, it's not community service. It's work for hire. It's work for hire. You do stand outside of a Home Depot or something? Yeah, I work with a lot of Hispanics people. Shout out to my Hispanic population. So you do stand outside of a Home Depot? Yeah.

Okay, that's a way to get the crowd on your side. When shouting out Austin doesn't work, just go right for the Hispanics. 100% of the time, there are a lot of them, and they continue to reproduce absolutely nonstop. It is a real problem. Do the right thing in November when you hit the polls. Um...

So, Ben, do you literally stand outside of a Home Depot like with those people? Kind of, right? Sometimes? No, I don't. I don't stand outside of a Home Depot. So how do you get work as a day laborer? I'm just curious. Okay. They have a lot of places you can go to do day labor and stuff. Like what kind of places? Like in such as? Oh, sorry.

Damn, this is one of them things I'm going to get off stage, like, it hits you in the fucking head. But like, uh... What? No one's going to hit you. I promise no one's going to hit you. No, no one's going to hit you. Like, people ready. I can't think of the name of the place. That's what I'm saying. It's like the... It's like the marketplace. It's like the... I know the building. You know how you get here, they be like, you looking for jobs? They like, they do day labor here. Man, it's like pulling teeth up here with you. I got to tell you. It is unbelievable. It is incredible. What do you do for fun, Ben?

Oh, I do for fun. Like, I like to do music. I love animals. What kind of music? What do you mean by music? What do you mean when you say you like to do music? What does that mean exactly? I write music. I rap. You rap? Yeah. All right. How many of you want to hear Ben give us a little rap right now? He could not even remember where he works a minute ago, and now he's going to freestyle rap for us. Fuck that job. This should be interesting. Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Williams. Fuck that job.

I'm my own boss, never take a loss. Got big teeth, but yeah, I floss. Bad hoes. And I keep it real. I might pull my dick out and put it on her grill. What's my name? They call me Ben Will. And y'all know every day that I'm finna kill. This is Kill Tony. This the best show. And if you don't like this shit, you a fucking hoe. Oh my God! Oh my... Wow. The crowd goes wild.

Oh shit. I'm calling Nick Cannon immediately. Oh my god. That was amazing. Open with that. That's crazy. A full celebration afterwards. You lifted up your shirt for a second.

Looking like Bernt Kreischer. That was a good one. That was a good one. You did good, Ben. Did you get a big joke book ever on any of these times? I did. I did. You did? Hey, Ben, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. There you go. He just got booked for a real comedy show. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Ben Williams. This is Kill Tony. Kill Tony.

And our next bucket poll. Anything can happen. The show is cooking. Make some noise for Heidi, everybody. We're here. We are live.

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Find the detail that moves you with immersive dining experiences from Sapphire Reserve. Chase, make more of what's yours. Learn more at chase.com slash sapphirereserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank and a member of FDIC. Subject to credit approval. We are live. And your next comedian getting the opportunity of a lifetime goes by the name of Austin Ingles, everybody. Austin Ingles. Here we go. Thanks so much for Austin, everyone. How we doing, everybody? Woo!

I've followed Ben dozens of times. He's never gotten a fucking pop like that before. Holy shit, that's impressive. Wow. I didn't think anything would ever be as awkward as when my dad handed me my first condom. That experience is nothing compared to what happened the other day. I was over at my friend's house as I was leaving. He handed me boner pills, blue chews to be exact. He said, these blue chews are the greatest thing ever. They always work. I said, yeah, why do you think I'm leaving? You're hard right now. I just hate when those commercials say if your erection lasts longer than four hours, you've got to go see a doctor. Great, now I have to go fuck him too?

I have a friend who's a doctor and every year he offers me free prostate exams and I should take him up on it, but he's an optometrist. No wonder I keep getting pink eye. I'm from the Midwest, so I'm from a small blue collar family. My mom was especially blue collar, even a little redneck, only because my dad couldn't stop choking her. Thank you everybody, I'm Austin Ingalls. Give yourselves a hand. Austin Ingalls.

You say give yourself a hand? I might have. I'm a little fucking, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're in it right now. This is your first time on the show. Oh, yeah. Yep. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years. Three years. Where at? Yep. Illinois originally, then I moved here like two months ago. You say Illinois, which would imply that it's not exactly Chicago. Peoria, Illinois. Ooh, Peoria. Like 45 minutes. The birthplace of both Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. Yep. Amazing. And then there's you.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I set myself up for that. Yeah, no, I actually just came up with it. You didn't really set yourself up. I asked you a question. You gave me the information, then I made that joke.

You set, yeah, nothing up. I did that. Austin, you live in Austin now? Yep. For how long? Two months. Two months. Do you love it yet? I do. I'm a door guy at Maggie Mae's. Oh, nice. Yeah, right across the street. Nice. They're doing a little bit of comedy over there too, right? Yeah, just had a set there and then fucking ran off stage and heard my name got called, so. Boom. Welcome to Austin, Austin. Appreciate you. Absolutely. And, uh...

I love it. You work there. You making a living? Yeah. Yeah. You're able to survive. What's your living situation? Well, I have two roommates in Pflugerville, so I got a little bit of a drive. Ooh, boy, oh, boy. Yeah. How far is that? The P is silent, Matt. If you ask someone from Pflugerville, they'll tell you 15 minutes, but it's really 26 minutes. That's actually exactly fucking true, yeah. Austin, why are you so surprised of my control and masterful execution? Yeah.

I know. It's 26 minutes. Matt, what do you think about this young buck? Oh, dude, you're funny, man. The redneck joke was fucking hilarious. Thank you, brother. I haven't heard a good, like, original white trash abuse joke in a very long time. Appreciate that. Thank you. You should start your Netflix special with one. That's my best advice. Best possible advice. I'm not going to lie to you. I lied. Right when your Netflix special came out, I was, like, headlining in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

And I said you were going to be there, and like six girls came, and they're like, where's Matt? Only six? Only six. I fell off. Damn. Yeah. Hopefully things pick up soon for you, Matt. I'm hoping so. I'm hoping so. You're very funny, dude. What do your roommates do? What do my roommates do? One of them is a comic, too, and then the other one is in like tech and shit, so he doesn't do comedy. How does the other comic make money?

I don't know. I fucking hear him like... I've heard him like three times miss his fucking alarm, so... I close at Maggie's at like 3, and then I hear him at 6 a.m. Oh, fuck! I've heard it like four times just missing his alarm, so... Right. I think he works at a restaurant, but I couldn't tell you, Tony. Okay. I feel like the tech guy is just claiming them as dependents. All right.

Exactly. Yeah. The tech guy is also our landlord, so yeah, you're probably not fucking wrong. With your landlord? I didn't agree to that when I moved here, so... Wow. Yeah. You live with the Lord. Yeah. Look at that. It's packed into a little manger. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. How old are you? 30. Fuck. Yeah. Okay.

No, I'm about to be 30. I don't have a beard, so that's why I was upset. It's not great. I have blonde hair and a red fucking beard, so I don't like it. Yeah, what's up with that? I don't know. I couldn't tell you. That's interesting. I know who he's voting for. Yeah, for sure. Someone could use a tax break.

Anyway, what do you do for fun? Just comedy, pretty much. Like I said, I'm new here, so yeah. Other than comedy, do you have any hobbies or anything like that? I mean, even Ben with the teeth. Yeah.

Have I what? Sorry, I didn't hear that. Ben with the teeth had the ability to rap. Oh, yeah. I've heard his sets before. It usually doesn't go like that. Pop, I heard, was insane. You mentioned that. You took literally 15% of your set to mention that Ben never does that good. You really threw him under the back of the bus there. I feel good about it. Fuck yeah. Okay. So there must be some hobby of yours. I love smoking weed. I love taking mushrooms, you know, just the classic. What do you like to do when you do those things? Pfft.

Well, back home, there was a lot of trails and shit. I haven't found them here yet. I'm sure there's a bunch in Austin and Pflugerville. There are a lot of trails here in Austin, Indy. It's a fully developed place. I haven't traveled a lot outside of 6th Street. Okay. Yeah. You're just hopping around Pflugerville? Absolutely. Going to the old Long John Silver's or whatever out there? Yes.

Where's the best hiking trail for him to check out around Austin? There's the green belt, I do believe it's called, that I've been to before. Oh, the one Hans is going to hang himself on? Oh, fuck. Wow, that worked out.

God damn. I don't know how that organic callback happened. That was incredible. The very rare accidental callback. I'll take it. Absolutely. Thanks, dog. One person. I feel like I'm missing something about you, Austin Ingalls. There's something I can't quite put my... What's your love life like? Um...

It's actually great working at Maggie Mae's. The drunk women literally just fucking flock to you. So I've gotten laid alone three times on that. Wow. Have you ever had sex with a sober woman before? Yes. Yes. But give us an example. Like when you say they come out, they stumble. You want me to name my girlfriend? Yeah.

You don't have a girlfriend? No, I mean my exes. Fuck. No. Yeah, I screw, yeah. We don't need names. No, okay. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom or anything like that? Do you ever give them the, what color are your pubes, by the way? Blonde top, red beard, I'm guessing purple pubes? They're a little, like, little orange tint to them, but I like to keep it trim. Fucking disgusting. Manscape. Gross, I'm a fucking gingerbeard, I know. Absolutely unbelievable. Yeah.

Yeah. Like a cork. Yeah. Little orange hairs. Look at you. Cute. Like a whole produce section at a grocery store over here. Citrus area.

I love it, Austin. Yeah, like three years ago, I saw you guys, you and Red Bandit Vulcan. You guys are doing a secret show, so it's pretty crazy. It was like three years to the day, so pretty wild. Unbelievable. Yeah, I know. I've been doing comedy for 17 years. I could have said anything. You marked the date? I mean, you got Snapchat memories and shit, right? They just pop up. No, you're 30. God damn it. You're supposed to have Facebook memories, dude.

God damn it. Well, welcome to the show, Austin. You're out doing the hustle in Austin tonight. Here's a little joke book. Take that. Thank you. And sign up again. We'll see you again. Austin Ingalls, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, we've been all over the world, and we were in, I do believe, Portland, Oregon, about maybe four, five, six years ago, and we gave away one of our first ever golden tickets to a man. Funny man, and he's here. He flew in today. Here with the new 60 Seconds, I present to you golden ticket winner, Todd Royce, ladies and gentlemen. The return of Todd Royce. Thank you.

Fuck yeah. I've been married for 17 years. And when you're together for a long time like that, you want to start doing new things in bed. Like she's learned she should definitely be on top. But we try new things now. Like I try to be more romantic. She's trying to fuck black guys. The other night she asked me to choke her. You can't choke your wife of 17 years because you might not stop. It's true.

We don't have any children. I don't know what I could possibly teach a kid. I don't know anything about science or history or portion control. I don't know. I do know that if I had a kid, I would teach them that no matter what they identify with, they don't have to conform to all of the rules of that group. Like someone who's like, I'm a white liberal, but I don't have to use race in every conversation I have. Or someone who's like, I'm trans, but I don't have to be fucking annoying about it. Or...

I'm Catholic, and I'm not even attracted to children. Thank you, guys. Todd Royce. That's a golden ticket winner. Great jokes. Thanks, man. The whole way through, just as always, as you've always done before, Todd. Thank you, Tony. Absolutely. Much like the show, you are bigger than ever. I am a large man. I am a very large man. You were asking him what color his pubes are. I don't know. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Maybe you can tell me later, Tony. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Oh, Heidi's doing the drums with that, you traitor. This is treason. Oh, you've turned my own people against me. Oh, my goodness gracious. How's it going, Todd? It's going great, man. I got a new podcast. I'm throwing that out there right now. If anybody wants to follow that, subscribe to that. What do you do, review food? I do. Yeah.

It's called the Sweet Potato Pod, and it really is, yeah. Is it really? Yeah, it is. Oh, my God. That's so fitting. Yeah, well, listen, I'm a health nut, and I like... Yeah, so fitting, just like your massive clothing. I'm wearing my skinny jeans. Yep, yep. Abso-fucking-lutely. Look at you. You are just a big old boy, aren't you? I'm just...

I was here a month ago and I lost two, well I've lost one pound since then. So come on. - Wow, amazing. - Getting there? - Amazing, slow and steady. - Even Dean Mattis can see how light I am now. - Wow, yep. So remind me, what do you do for work again? - Just this actually now, I'm just doing comedy. - Look at that. - Full time? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Good shit dude. - Yeah. - Congrats. - Seven people are applauding, everyone else is like, "Really?" - Yeah.

No, it is amazing. Yeah. It's a full-time job. Yeah, it really is. I've got a bunch of shows in Las Vegas. I'm actually working with Hans Kim there. Oh, wow. In October, I'm doing Skank Fest in September. Oh, hell yeah. I'm doing Boston in November, if anybody...

Wow, look at that. Wow. Boston preparing for its first clam chowder shortage. Ooh, I do love clam chowder. I bet you do. I bet you do. Unbelievable. What does your wife do when she's not plunging the toilet? Remind me again what she does when she's not vacuuming Doritos off the floor.

It's absolutely incredible. Yeah. When she's not trying to find a place to sleep at night. Remind me when she's not. Another one? When she's not at the grocery store continuously reloading the refrigerator.

Which is her nickname for you. It's absolutely incredible. No, seriously, what does your wife do when she's... It is absolutely incredible. No, seriously, what does your wife do? She... Wow. And that's coming from Red Band. I need to get my life together.

Red band meet bread pan. This is incredible. So much about you. Are you going to introduce me to Matt Rife? Yeah, this is Matt Rife. Yeah, hey Matt. I'm Fat Rife. Nice to meet you. Boom. Boom. I've heard of you, man. I heard you got your golden ticket from a chocolate bar. Fuck yes. Let's fucking go.

Absolutely. You're great. You're great. You're great. Great tits. Thanks, man. Hey, Matt. Yes, sir. Shut up. Hold on. It's a seizure. Whoa. Eye contact, Matt. Come on. Oh, my goodness. The old shake and bake. That's right. Yeah. What's that? What's that rig? Is that what he said? That's not great. Oh, thanks. Oh, my goodness. You're welcome.

Imagine how big those pecs underneath there must be. I mean, I'm a fucking man, dude. You're a couple of men. Yeah. I love how you take these jokes. Such pro wrestler energies. I remember you used to be a pro wrestler. Do you still dabble in that at all? No way. No, I used to for 18 years, but no, I don't anymore. What was your wrestler name? It was the American Wet Dream.

Yeah, look at that. Oh, my God. Breaking bodies and banging hotties. Wow.

Didn't he break a table on the show once? I did. I put Joel Berg through a table once. Yeah. No fucking way. I did, yeah. I slammed Jeremiah Watkins on stage once. I fed Louis J. Gomez my kidney stone. That was your kidney stone? Oh, that's true. Shut up. I figured the only way I can top myself tonight is rape Red Band. Wow. Look at that. That will be a little show called Breaking Bed. Yeah.

You too fucking would fucking, I mean, just, it's pretty hot. Yeah. Incredible. I thought I was into Japanese massage porn over here. Something for everybody here tonight. What else is going on, Todd? Anything else crazy going on in your life? Um,

What else is going on? Not a whole lot. Just living in Vegas. I fucking love it there. Love getting on the road. One person loves Las Vegas. You don't know? What do you love about Vegas other than the all-you-can-eat buffets? It's mostly the all-you-can-eat buffets. There's a lot of that. There's a lot of food options. Oh, wait. You are in Vegas now. You're the Sphere. Now I remember.

That's amazing. How fucking dumb am I that when you got all excited like that, I was like, oh, he remembers. He remembers where I am. It's so sad. No, I don't. That was just my brain working. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good. I love it, Todd. Amazing. D-Madness just got it. Yeah, he did. D-Madness is on a delay sometimes here.

This is one of the first times that I've done Kill Tony in Austin. And I remember the first time I did it, I actually saw Deep Madness and I thought that Jeremiah Watkins was just taking a wild swing. No. No. Okay, never mind. It's funny. We can cut that one out. Yeah.

Okay, thanks, man. There you go. Todd, you are just fucking awesome. We love you. And to be able to have you here for one of your last performances live on the planet, you know, we're going to really...

But we love you. Just keep kicking nonstop, and we'll see you in Las Vegas. All right. Sounds good. There you go. Todd Royce, ladies and gentlemen. Golden ticket winner, as seen by the strong set, the amazing interview. Those guys do not fuck around.

And who knows? Anybody can get it here. This is where we found all of our regulars, all of our golden ticket winners, and back to the bucket we go as I introduce to you Ernest Evans Siz. It says. Ernest Evans Siz. Here he is. Ernest Evans Siz. Man, my name sucked growing up as a kid. Ernest. Because you meet a nigga named Ernest in his 40s. Come with a goddamn two divorces.

drive around and a gray beard. Niggas name Ernest come out to pussy her uncle, giving bad advice. Go ahead, jump off that bridge, it ain't gonna hurt. Because how many kids you know right now named Ernest? None. I have to have a son and name him after me just so I can say I know another nigga named Ernest. But my son hates that name. He's like, "Dad, how come you can name anything black or urban ethnic like Jamal, Keandre, or Deontay?"

I said, "Simple, son. Them niggas don't get hired." I'm Ernest Evans Sr., man. Appreciate y'all. There you go. Exactly 59 seconds. What a pro. Ernest Evans. And it says "Siz." Is that right? It's Sr., man. They came right back there, bro. What? They came right back there. Sr. Sr. Oh, Sr. Yes, sir. Gotcha. Yeah, that's an S-R. All right. You wrote it. I did. I did. Why did you blame it on somebody else? The fuck was that?

I did. I passed the buck quick, my bad. I love it. I love it. I love it. Ernest, welcome to the show. Downloading. What? I was trying to figure out, when you have a junior, do you have to give yourself the senior title? You don't have to. You just wanted to. I did. I like that. I can't have him taking credit for all the shit I did. Right. He doesn't want your rap sheet.

I ain't never been to jail, Tony. Really? I thought I saw that movie, Ernest Goes to Jail. Well... Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

I love it. So, Ernest, I love your style. How old are you? 44. 44. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. What made you start at 42? Man, I was in the Army for a while, and, you know, I was in charge of a lot of soldiers, and we was in some precarious situations. Shit just sucked, man, so I always tried to make every situation light, tell jokes. So that's how it got done. Amazing. I love it.

I love it. You were in the army. Yes, sir. You were deployed a lot, I'm sure. Twice. Yeah, where at? Afghanistan, both times. Wow. Afghanistan. You saw a lot of shit. Oh, yep.

A lot of fans of Afghanistan. I've seen a couple of these motherfuckers over there. There are a lot of Afghanis. There's one right there. Look at this fucking guy. Oh, he's nervous. Oh, yeah. We got one. Get him, Matt. Yeah. Yeah, fellow soldier Matt Reif over here. He's holding his shirt like this because the vest couldn't breathe. That was great. Sometimes we would send Matt and deploy Matt to Afghanistan to make the enemies come in their pants. So...

There you go. Thank you, Ryan. So, Ernest, what's it like being back in America? Where do you live? In North Austin. North Austin. Yes, sir. I love it. A lot of North Austiners here today. I love it. What do you do now? I work for the state. Okay. The state of Texas. I love it. Absolutely. We all love Texas here very much. Is this where you're from? No, I'm from a small town called Rockdale about 45 minutes north of here.

Thorndale, Taylor, Rockdale. Okay. Yeah. All right. Oh, somebody from Rockdale in this bitch? Oh, shit. What is it? I drove through it. Yeah. Can I ask what you did in the Army? I was a Blackhawk crew chief. A what? Did you have to be? UH-60 Blackhawk crew chief. Nah, man. That's the best job in the Army, man. Would you actually fly the helicopters? Nah, I was a crew chief. I sat in the back. Mechanic. Worked on it. Did a lot of missions. So when the helicopter flew, I was in the back. Wait, they made you sit in the back?

What the hell?

Oh, my. It be like that sometimes, man. Oh, my. But the back was the best, man. That's where all the shit went down. Yeah? Yeah. Tell us about it. What would go down in the back of the helicopter? So, shit, flying Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, Washington Redskins cheerleaders, all that shit. So, I mean, we didn't only just deploy, shoot, and do missions. We had some fun shit, too. Damn, look at you, just chilling with cheerleaders in the back of a chopper.

Okay, that doesn't make any sense there, Red Band. Come on.

I love it. I love it. Well, thank you for your service. That is incredible. What does Junior do? What is he up to? He's a junior in high school. 11th grade. He's a junior that's a junior? That's a junior. 11th grade. My goodness. Absolutely incredible. What's he into? Gaming. PlayStation. Oculus. Do you let him play Call of Duty? Yeah, he does. How realistic is the game compared to your experience?

Totally different. Something different than what I did. Yeah, I've never played the level where you're just chilling with cheerleaders. Maybe I should have said that, Toti. Call of Booty, am I right? Call of Booty.

That's good shit. Absolutely. You got trademarked that. Yep. Floss some naked bitches all over Afghanistan. I love it. Hell yeah. Let's go. What do you do for fun around Austin, Texas? Do you have any hobbies or anything? Yeah, I fish, man. I take the kids fishing, like camping and shit. Okay. Yeah, just chill out. Okay. I love that. Absolutely. And...

You have a wife, girlfriend? Yeah, I'm married, man. My wife, Michelle, we just had a new baby. She nine months old. Okay. Nah, hell, hey, man, don't clap for that shit. I ain't got no sleep in nine months, god damn. We beefing right now, shit. What are you beefing about? I can't get no sleep, Tony, shit. She doesn't wake up and take care of the baby? Man, it's 2024, man. We share. We share a partnership, shit. Oh, shit. It sucks living in 2024. Oh, man.

I hate 2020. You got to share some shit. I be hating that shit, Ernest. I don't know what's gotten into me here. I'm feeling a little too cozy here with my good friend, Ernest. I'm like that, man. That's what I do to people, man. You got me talking like you, Ernest.

I don't know what it is. It'd be contagious. Contagious is your new kid's name, am I correct? Contagious Evans? Contagious Evans? Contagious Evans. Texas A&M.

Oh, my God. I love it. You're a funny man. I appreciate it. You been doing a lot of spots around town? Trying to get on. You know what I'm saying? It's a slow grind, but I'm still, you know, keep my head down and keep telling jokes. That's it. You're passionate about it. I am. Yes, sir. I like your fucking style. And here is a big joke book from the great Bones Eye. Boom. Welcome to the show, Ernest. Sign up again. We'd love to see another minute.

The American dream, Ernest Evans Sr., ladies and gentlemen. A hero. That guy fighting for our country, riding around with cheerleaders in a helicopter. What a hero.

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Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more. That's BetterHelp.com. All right, we're going to keep it moving along. Your next bucket pool, we're going to meet them all together. 60 seconds for Justin Governally, ladies and gentlemen. Justin Governally. I served in the Marine Corps. Yeah. Thank me for my service, bro. What the fuck, dude? I served during Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and it changed me, man. Like, I went in as a young, weak boy.

And I came out of there as a strong, confident, gay man. I wish I could say it was the combat that made me hard, but it wasn't the combat. It was the group showers. If there's any Marines out there, I know you got my six. Don't worry, I got your nine, brother. You couldn't be gay and serve in the military, but they'll like touch you in the shower. Like Marines will grab your penis and you're like, hey, it's kind of weird. I feel like I should tell someone, right? So you try and tell your sergeant. You're like, hey, Sergeant Mendoza touched me. And he's like, what? That's crazy.

"Where? Show me." And I'm like, "Step-Sgt. No." And he's like, "You know what, Marine? Show me on me where he touched you." That's it. Justin Gubernale. Welcome. This is your first time on the show, right, Justin? That it is. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four and a half years. Where are you from? Laredo, Texas. I live in San Antonio. You live in San Antonio now. I do. And is that true? You were in the Marines and you're gay?

I mean, it made me gay. You know, no, I'm not gay. I was in the Marine Corps, though. I served a... Wait a second. Hold on. Time out. Flag on the flag. Stolen valor. The whole minute was about you being gay. No, it's because Marines, dude, you have to be there to understand it. Like, our humor is just so gay, dude.

Well, I guess that makes me a fucking war hero. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. Thank you for your service, Tony. Semper Fi, brother. Absolutely. Okay, so you're not gay at all.

All we know about you is that you talked about being gay, but you're not gay. I was a scout sniper in the Marine Corps, right? Served from 2004 to 2008. Went to Iraq two times. Got blown up my first patrol. That was fun, you know? Explain what happened there. Tell us about that. Man. Yeah, it was my first patrol, 2005. I was in Haditha, Iraq. And...

Dude, it was pretty boring. Like the whole patrol was like pretty damn boring. And I remember thinking to myself like, man, this is actually pretty boring. So it's like a motorcade of like trucks and stuff and you're just going over a bunch of sand. Yeah. Nothing's really happening. Like my senior Marines were in Fallujah, right? Right.

So the unit we were relieving, they were like, you ready? You ready? And I'm like, what's going on? And then it didn't happen. And he's like, oh, never mind. And then right when he said that, an explosion went off. Boom. And he goes, oh, I guess they're running late today. And I like sit down in my chair and the Southern Marines like, welcome to Iraq, Governor. I'm like, oh, fucking A, that's cool. Right. You know, whatever. And then nothing happened for like four hours.

And then on my way back, right when I said, this is actually pretty boring, and I set my rifle in the truck, fucking boom, I blacked out. And then I woke up and I had this, like, whatever, guy next to me was bleeding, you know, but it was kind of... Yeah, okay. But... Yeah. Yeah, dude, you're going to fucking trigger my PTSD, brother. Fucking, there's fucking men everywhere, dude. Yeah. Oh, man.

I don't know. Amazing, Justin Gobernale. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Like four and a half years. Oh, that's right. I asked you that. Amazing. You have cauliflower here. How'd you get that? Wrestling? I fought for quite a bit. I'm a black belt in jiu-jitsu. Oh, okay. I am. All right. It's fucking, what's that, prove it?

See you after the show. See you after class, brother. He's gonna fuck you. Yeah, dude. Did you not hear my entire minute, brother? I got something to prove. But yeah, man, been training 17 years. Black belt in jiu-jitsu. Fucking... How tall are you? 5'6 on Tinder. But... First of all, but I'm 5'5", right? When I stretch my spine all the way, you know? Are you really 5'5"? Yeah, I'm 5'5". Or did the explosion blow your legs off? Like this. Uh...

This guy. Amazing. Amazing. So you're on Tinder? Are you dating right now? No, I'm not on Tinder. Everything you say is pretty much a lie. No, no, I was on Tinder, but I do put 5'6". I literally could show you my profile, right? And I'm fucking 5'6". Did you ever go on a date from someone on Tinder? Oh,

Yeah, I think we all had to do Tinder's trash. Bumble's trash. That's not what I asked you. That's not true. Have I been on a date on Tinder? Yeah. Yeah, fuck it. I guess we're here. I'm about to get probably fired from my job, but whatever. What job? I work in tech. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking... Yeah, you're going to get fired. Yeah, I'm going to get fired, dude. Let's see. I mean, dude, we've all been on Tinder dates. One time I was hooking up with this girl from Tinder, right? Yeah.

Whatever it is what it is on fucking whatever okay? So we're hooking up and we're doing the whole like the dirty like first time hookup stuff like slap slap like tell me you love me all that crazy shit What is going on here? We've all been on tinder dates. We all know the first time. It's tinder bro. What the fuck are you talking about? The war made me crazy man. Jesus Christ. The war fucked me up brother.

Slashing a girl on a first date? It was consensual. She asked for it. But yeah, we're going at it, right? And then, you know, he starts saying crazy stuff, right? Like what? Like, how many guys from the internet have you fucked, huh? You fucking whore, you know? That's what she's asking him? No, I'm asking her. Yeah, she's asking me. But then...

Then she's like, but then like it's like a rhetorical question, you know, she's like you really want to know Do you really want to know and I'm like, yeah, I'm figuring like four or five whatever right? She's like you really want to know I'm like, yeah, she's like so many I was like, oh man Wow Yeah, and then whatever I finished or whatever and then That's that's a hundred percent a real story like nah Swear on my life, dude. How many was so many?

I don't know, but it was hot. How many would be so many to you? Like, how many would be enough that you're like, ah. I honestly don't care, dude, if I'm being real. Were you wearing a condom at the time? Yeah, 100%. Were you wearing a condom with this girl? Yeah. Oh, was it? Yeah, and it doesn't matter. Yeah. It doesn't count, you know what I'm saying? Nothing matters. You're just a human dildo at that point. What's that? You're just a human dildo at that point. Nothing counts. Yeah. I stopped, though, man. I haven't had sex since, like, July 5th.

Wow. What the fuck happened on July 4th? Oh my God. I think he told us. Somebody red, white, and blue. What the fuck happened? No, I'm just taking a break in general, right? Because it gets you in trouble, dude. No, it gets you in trouble, dude. Dudes don't take breaks. What's up? Dudes don't take breaks. I was just promiscuous for so long, I got tired of it. Like, actually. You got so much pussy, you got tired.

No, I'm not. I don't want to be that guy. Like, yeah, I got fucking pussy all the time. It creates problems, man. You don't want to be that guy, but you talked about being gay, which you're not. So you want to be that guy? I mean, it's the bit, man. It's the bit, dude. All right. Dude, thank me for my service, dude. Thank you for your service. Yeah, thank you. I'm kidding. He's still itching it. He's still modest. Yeah.

Okay, Justin. Well, I mean, very, very interesting guy. You have any special skills or talents or anything? I'm a survivalist. I was on Naked and Afraid. For real? Sort of good. I did two seasons. Oh, my God. Was your name Justin Gobernalli on this show? Yeah, Justin Gobernall. I swear on my life. I want to see this guy's cock. Here we go. Gobernalli.

Here's the part where we get to watch. Nope, there's the typo. It would be A-L-E. Oh my God, there you are. Oh my God. Wow. You are more afraid than naked in this one. Oh my goodness, look at you. Wow. Oh, wait, you're Michael Gonzalez. Yeah, dude. That is incredible. Wow, look at that. There he is. I lost 38 pounds. Are you tatted? Are you fully tatted? Yeah, I got everything done up right here.

Absolutely incredible. Michael, he's you. You used to have short hair and a beard. Yeah, dude. I did a... Mexican and afraid. The first one, Mexican, yeah. Half Mexican and afraid, dude. What's the other half? Gay, but I'm not. Gay, yeah. Here's a little joke book. There he goes, Justin Gubernale, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much.

We've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, where it is indeed time for one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, fresh off of MSG. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the one and the only Cam Patterson. I was at Kansas City on Wednesday, and

Wow.

That's fucking fun. A little something different, hostage situation. You were reading all of that off of a W-9 tax form. That's incredible. That's why I was shaking, nigga. I was really scared the whole time. I gotta pay taxes now? I thought I was up. Bitch, I'm broke as hell. This shit not fun, nigga. I'm going to jail. Oh.

Cam Patterson, you've done it again. A very fun experimental out of the box minute for you. How's life going, Cam? It's good. Hell yeah, it's good. It's been fun. How was Chicago for real? Chicago was actually pretty cool. The Bean was fucking stupid. That was dumb as hell. That's the dumbest shit ever. Let's make a mirror look like a bean. They gonna love it. That's fucking dumb as fuck. I hated that. That was stupid as shit. What was? The Bean.

The bean, nigga. Big, like, metallic Terminator thing glob in the middle of downtown. Yeah, they got a fucking bean, nigga. There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago? Yeah. It's like all mirror. You've never heard of the bean, nigga? You all have heard of this? How the fuck? It's a pretty huge thing, though. B-E-A-N? Yeah, nigga, a bean. Bean? Yeah. What the fuck are you guys? You've never seen that? No! What the fuck is going on?

It's like the arch, man. It's the same. You gotta be fucking kidding me. I've never heard of this or seen it or referenced it or anything. D Madness is laughing at me. How the fuck have you seen the bean? There's no fucking way you know what the fuck is going on right now. This is like a simulation or something. How the fuck has the bean avoided me and I've avoided the bean?

We'll be right back. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. What do you do when you're in Chicago? I fucking, I don't know. I do shows. I eat pizza. I fucking, I fly away. Chicago's just a, I mean, you know. Shout out to the fans.

But I get in I get out back and then I gotta go flick the be in it You gotta go touch it. You gotta go touch that be in it. Don't touch it. It's filthy Yeah, my dog spit on it your dog's been on home. Oh, oh yeah, I mean I had to be in it could be dogs Okay, okay, okay

I can't fucking believe this. That's crazy. You've never seen it. That's insane. I can't believe there's anything that exists that I don't know about. It's fucking stupid, though. It's dumb. Oh, yeah. It was a crackhead there. That nigga was like, he was fucking with us because we was like, we was just doing a bunch of dumb shit around it. And then he was just dead-legging people for no reason. Just kicking them in the back of the knee? In the back of the knee. Fine. Just be like, fuck you, gay-ass nigga, and walking off. Wow. And he was Mexican, so I was confused. But I wasn't going to tell him. Damn. I wasn't going to tell him at all. Like, you in the right, brother. You do what you do. Have a good day.

You enjoy yourself. You're having a good time right now. He was like, yeah. He was having a great time. I loved it. It was pretty funny to me. It was pretty funny to me. I liked it. Wow. And you were also in Kansas City? Yeah, that place is terrible. Yes, it is. That's a horrible place. That's a horrible place. It really is. The reason I wanted to do that shit with the hot situation, because at the show, I'm on here for like a day. What should I do? And everybody was like, go get barbecue. And I was like, nigga, I live in Texas. What the fuck?

And they were like, boo! Right. Why the fuck would I go here to get barbecue, nigga? Fuck that place. It's a different barbecue there, though. It is? It's good? Yeah, like, different places have different barbecues. Okay, fat ass, no, I'm playing. Yeah. Red Band just puts barbecue sauce on anything and it makes it delicious. It's not... They don't compete or compare with our barbecue. I got a word for you afterwards. What? You're gonna call me a nigga and it's mine. What?

Yeah! How long has that fucking bean been there? I wanna... This is blowing... I'm gonna say like 60 years. It's been there a long time, bro. Are you fucking serious? Bro, yeah! I can't believe you've never seen it. 2006. Okay, well, not 60 years. Alright, alright. That was off. That was off. 18 years. Off, off, off. Why is the bean in Chicago famous? Let's click on this real quick. I watched it. There's no reason. It's weird looking. There's no reason. Have you ever had bean pie?

Bean pie? Yeah. No. You've never had bean pie? What is going on? No, no, no. You're not wrong. What the fuck is that? You don't know what bean pie is? Look at me. It's a black thing. For real? Yes. Oh, with the Muslims. Yes, the Muslims make it outside of Chicago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, y'all don't know bean pie? You know bean pie. He's not really black. We don't know him. Snipers, kill him.

Cam, always so much goddamn fun. I love you. Everybody loves you. You're fucking amazing. Taking over the world. There he goes. Cam Patterson. On to the next one. Back to the bucket we go. And I bring to the stage, make some noise for Brian Says, everybody. Here we go. Brian Says is next.

Alright, I just found out I'm gonna be a father. It's court ordered. It's court ordered. Calm it down. Yeah, it's me. I had a crazy day today. I got deadnamed earlier today. Do y'all know what deadnaming is? Alright, alright, it's fine. It's a mixed crowd. I'll let you know. So if you're not aware, deadnaming is a term that was adopted by the transgender community.

But it's when somebody refers to you by your old name rather than the name you are now. So I got dead named earlier today. I was walking up the street and I bumped into this white guy and he said, "Hey, watch it, nigger." And I was like, "Whoa, my name's Brian now. "It's not nigger anymore, buddy. "Come on, jeez, what are you, transphobic? "What the hell?" If you guys are wondering, I can tell that joke. I have a black friend, so...

I can tell that joke, I believe. Thank you. There you go. Brian says everybody. Fuck yeah. I believe I bumped into you earlier. Welcome back to the show, Brian. You've been on before.

I have not been on before, no. You're friends with Cam and I met you before, is that right? Yeah. Correct. There we go. That's how I know you. Welcome, welcome. First time on the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's about six months now. I love it. I love it. All of it here in Austin? Yeah. Is this where you're from? No, I came here from Atlanta. Atlanta? Born and raised? I moved around a lot. Okay. Where else have you lived? Virginia. Virginia.

Maryland, California. You ever seen The Bean before? Yeah, The Bean, yeah. Of course, dude, The Bean. Oh my God. You're talking about, wait, maybe, is it Chicago's The Bean? Oh my God. What are we talking about, dude?

Oh, my God. You've been there, right? I've been to Chicago so many times. I've performed in arenas, theaters, comedy clubs. I've done it all in Chicago, and I've never heard of the fucking bean before. Oh, wow. Just found out about it. Looked like a total dumbass in front of millions of people, it turns out. Because I don't know about some stupid nothing burger fucking bean.

It's just a big mirror. Do you know about this, Carrie? Jesus fucking Christ, everybody knows about it but me. Horn players, did you know about the bean? Jesus motherfucking Christ. This is un-fucking-believable. It's the stupidest fucking thing that I didn't know about in my whole fucking life. I pride myself. I watch Jeopardy and I beat the people to the answers and I would have lost on the fucking bean.

I would have lost on the bean. I'll beat anybody in non-bean trivia right fucking now. And here I am. Sure you will, Tony. Whoa, what the fuck's that supposed to mean? You want to have a round of trivia right now? On... Trivia? Are you challenging me to a game of trivia? I guess...

I guess I am now, yeah. Okay. This is the first ever, uh, how are we gonna do this? Brian, look up trivia questions on your iPad. Any specific subject or anything? I don't know. Is this all bean? Is this all bean or... No, it's no bean trivia. No bean? Can't have anything to do with a bean. Even though I know it was built in 2006, it's a mirror-like structure shaped like a bean, which averages about 7 million visitors per year. Yeah.

Yep. I've been one of them. All right. I guess I'll ask the questions. Here we go. Yes. How many colors are in the rainbow? Tony, you know this one. You son of a bitch. A little bit of home cooking over here. Goddamn. How many fingers fit in an asshole? Do you know? No.

Do you know the answer? Because I do. I don't know. You don't? It's seven. Yep. Wow, that is correct. Tony wins this one. Gay trivia. Welcome to gay trivia, ladies and gentlemen. So proud, Tony. We're so proud. All right, here's another question. Who is the Greek goddess of love? Ooh, I'm going to go with... You have an answer here? I have an answer, yeah. Okay, what's your answer? I have an answer. My answer is... No.

No phone and a friend here. Stop whispering over there, you fucking... You know what? Stop talking. We can...

Do you have an answer? I'm going Aphrodite. That's what I would have said. Is that the correct answer? Oh, my God. You guys are both right. It's Aphrodite. Wow. Amazing. How do you guys know that and not the bean? Come on. Keep going. Come up with another question. What do you call a baby goat? Oh, that's... Okay. Do you have an answer? Yeah. Go ahead. It's a kid. It's a what? It's a kid. It's a kid. You are correct. It is a kid. A young boy? I don't think I knew that one. It's a kid.

Crank it up, Redman. You might actually be winning this. Come on, give us a hard one. All right. Who was the queen of France during the French Revolution? What? Well, nobody knows about queens more than me. It's unfair, yeah. I can't phone a friend. I can't phone a gay guy across the state. I'm going queen. Elizabeth seems like a good guess. Okay. Okay.

Hard nose. I'm going Elizabeth. That's a good guess. I'm going to go with Antoinette. You know what? I'm going to give it to you, Tony. It's Marie Antoinette. That is correct. Wow. Why don't we do something special? Why don't we switch it to black trivia just so that I can flex on you fucking people right now? Let's look up black trivia questions. Formerly from Atlanta, been all over supposedly. All right. Let's find out. Black trivia. All right. You're no helping, black guy. All right.

Or girl, or whatever the fuck's going on there. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what exactly you are. Kind of look like you have tits. I don't know what's shaking over there, but I'm going to take it. All right, here we go. Who was the first African American to graduate from Harvard University and became a U.S. Senator? Dude, shut the fuck up over there. Do you have an answer? I am...

Really gonna need some help on this one. No, there's no help. God, okay. There's no help you son of a bitch. Can I just say... You are the help. Take back your rainbow joke. Guess gay beats black again. Let me just, I just want to make it clear. I do like black people. I like my culture. Do not judge me by this answer I'm about to give. I really love us. We're good people.

We're good, smart people from Harvard. There's so many that have graduated from Harvard that the first one, how could we... If I, you know, I choose to... As long as we cross it, we make it to the mountaintop, doesn't matter who gets there first. That's MLK. I know that guy. That's a black... Okay. This sucks.

Black guy. What was the year? Can I get a year? Give him the year, Red Band. Give him the year. I don't think it's going to help at all. Well, the answer is not available. This sucks. No, it doesn't say a year, so I don't know. I hate Red Band's answer because I can't think of one either. I just can't think of one. So maybe it didn't happen. Clarence Thomas. Is that a black guy?

That is a black guy. He's on the Supreme Court. Okay. Final answer. Of all the black guys that have been to court, he's the only one that went to the Supreme Court. Yeah. Supreme. The most high. We're going to call this a draw, right, Tony? Again, he was a U.S. Senator. Give me a first letter. A letter? I just need a letter. You know what? I'll give you that. H. Ah. The H. H.

Ah, yes. You know what? Your time is up, man. We can win through enough time. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder is my answer. You both are wrong. It's higher level. And I have one last question. Oh, okay. Welcome back to Ghetto Jeopardy, ladies and gentlemen. Last question. Which popular dish often associated with the southern United States and African-American culture is... Chicken. Let's get out of here. Chicken. Chicken.

It is traditionally made with black-eyed peas and is considered to bring good luck when eaten on New Year's Eve. Do you know the answer? Goddamn. Would you like to give it a guess? It's around gumbo. It's not gumbo, but it's around there. Would you like the answer? Is this New Orleans? This is a bean question. It's bean related. I think black, it's greens. Greens. Black-eyed peas is greens? Is that your final answer? That's what I'm...

- God damn it, D-Man. - Is that your, you have an answer? - New Orleans, I'm sorry, New Orleans celebration? - They didn't say that, you said that. - Oh, New Year's, oh of course, New Year's, I'm thinking New Orleans, of course, okay, so. - Uh-huh, do you have an answer? - No, I do not. - Any dessert? - Huh? - Any dessert? - Oh, just a dessert? - No. - We're on dessert now? - No, no, no, no. - It's not a dessert now. - No, it's an entree.

It's white tricks. Do you have a guess? I'm going to go with jambalaya. I'm going jambalaya. You're both wrong. It's Hoppin' John. I don't know if it's racist. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Okay. Shh.

Welcome to the show, my friend. Very funny performance. Welcome. Very fun. The first ever trivia on Kill Tony. First ever Black Jeopardy. We're taking chances here. It's a very loose show. Anything can happen. Always adding new segments. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going back to back. Brian's here. It's Brian Knight on Kill Tony. Look out. Make some noise for Brian Cook. Wow. Red Band loves Cooks. Here we go. Brian Cook.

Thank you very much. Now, I am a music fan to the point where I take it personally sometimes. I was listening to the classic album Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys, but I was listening on YouTube, and YouTube has the comments down at the bottom. Can you believe what this chucklehead said? And I quote, this album is three retards spouting gibberish over an awkward drumbeat.

No, exactly! Officially, for the record, I love the Beastie Boys. I'm a big fan. But if we're taking the macro view, if we're looking at things in the big picture, isn't all hip-hop three retards spouting gibberish over an awkward drumbeat? That's what every rap album ever is. And if you think I'm picking on hip-hop, I am not. It's the same way that every death metal band that's ever existed is five retards making the most unpleasant noises humanly possible.

It's the same way that stand-up comedy is one retard trying to be clever. You see, there's a pattern of behavior here. Now, I believe in diversity. I support diversity. Diversity is a stripper I met over at the Yellow Rose. She's a lot of fun. She's working tonight. So everyone, please go support diversity. Thank you. Okay, Brian Cook.

Calling every artist a retard as fast as he can. We're all in this together. I love it. You've been on this show before, correct, Brian? I was, back in June. I remember you. I remember every guy that I think fucked my mom when I was younger. Yeah.

It happens. What about when she's older? Oh, shit. You son of a bitch. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Brian Cook. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three? Two and a half. We're in year three. We're rounding up, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely. And what do you do for a living, Brian? I recently switched jobs. I was working at the car dealership. Now I'm a delivery driver, so we're still out in Austin traffic.

I love it. What are you delivering? Alcohol to venues and bars and restaurants all over town. And underage girls, apparently. No, no, no. I hate that I have to say this once a week. I am not Charlie Sheen. I do not behave like that. But you're wearing his shirt. But I'm wearing his shirt. I write it as wardrobe. Remember the short dude from that New York fucking bagel shop who was like, you're not my father or God. Is it okay for five-foot women to say you could kill yourself on dating websites? No one's seen this?

Okay, it's the exact shirt. I like his taste. No. No, okay. Swing and a miss. It's your bean. You have a lot of energy. Yes, I do. Brian, where do you get this energy from? The good Lord. It's just a natural gift. No, I'm stoked to be here. This is awesome. We're here in Austin. We got our health. What's to complain about? Absolutely. Yeah. Man, you're so optimistic. Something bad's going to happen to you. Fuck. He's too positive.

Soon to be HIV. The good Lord gives you your energy. Do you go to church? I haven't found one in Austin I liked, but there was one back in Huntsville I loved. Shout out to Covenant Fellowship of Huntsville, Texas. Wow. This is not the platform to shout out to church. Hip-hop's retarded. Hip-hop's retarded. This is retarded. That's retarded. We're retarded. I went to a strip club. Shout out to the...

Shout out to the first Pentecostal out in Huntsville, Alabama. There are some mixed signals being sent. Absolutely. You believe in the Lord so much that wind blows through your hair continuously. It is incredible. How about that? There you go. Now you just got a little cotton candy hanging off the top there. Oh, my God.

You got to zoom on that, Yoni. There you go. Very good. It's absolutely stunning. I love it. There's the thumbnail for next week or whatever. I'm probably five years away from the same hairdo, so I'm not going to roast you too hard here. So tell us, Brian, what else have you been up to? What are you up to in this crazy world? How old are you? 47. Birthday was last week. Hold on. What? You're 47. Tony and I have had this conversation previously.

Oh my God. This is incredible. So we're not that healthy. Yeah. Okay. Four years older than him. You're four years older than him. Yeah. Brian, what did you see? Oh my God.

What exactly did you witness when you were... Apparently the darkness and the sadness, and that's what drove me into comedy at middle age. What kind of darkness and sadness have you been through in life? Oh, I'm bullshit. That's what he called Brian and Cam. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I'm Brian. Nice to meet you, darkness and sadness. Hey, why that motherfucker's hair blowing around like that? Okay.

Oh, my goodness. So what have you been doing with your life, Brian? We were in the Army. We were a music journalist. We went back to school. The pandemic happened, and now we're here. How about since you were on the show, I can't really remember what happened. I think I have Alzheimer's. I've probably been to the Bean. Um...

What's going on? What's happened since your last time on? I've been hitting it hard around Austin, Texas, getting booked on stuff, really. Yeah. Putting forth the effort, making the most of the opportunity. Here we're back to the positivity. Absolutely. Too much unity. 100%. Why do I feel like you're working on some kind of science project at home?

Because I'm not allowed to talk about that under the advice of legal counsel. Okay. What are your hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that would have little doll houses or something like that. Oh, yeah. I still buy and sell baseball cards on eBay. That's my thing after work. I love some memorabilia. What's the coolest piece of sports memorabilia you have? The biggest one I ever hit on is I bought six Patrick Mahomes rookies for $5 a piece.

Yeah, that's my greatest hit right there. So what are those at about now? Probably about $500, $600 each. Okay. Yeah. There you go. Sports dorks, Mitch Trubisky was supposed to be the big quarterback that year. Remember, three Super Bowls later, here we are. Yep, Chicago Bears, Mitch Trubisky. The Chicago Bears, not the Chicago Beans. Did you play sports growing up? Yep, baseball. Okay. Second base? No, outfield.

Right field. Right field and center field. I was a really good defensive outfielder. I could run the balls down. Yeah. That sounded... Okay. I feel like you're a fucking great dad, dude. You have kids? No, I do not. Wow. Big miss. Yeah. Is that because of religious reasons? No, we got divorced, and if we want the comedy... Did you ever say something as a joke, but you mean it? If we had had kids, we would have produced a supervillain. So I think we did the world a favor there. Yeah.

Why do you say that? Because it's too... Like what they say, you know, in the AA meetings and all that, that sometimes two heads are better than one. You keep yourself on track. But sometimes you just enable each other so hard. You go to AA? Used to. How long have you been sober? We're going with that California sober thing, and we'll say two months. Oh, okay. Oh, man. Cheers. Yeah. So how long were you sober when you were sober?

Oh, what's the longest you've gone? No, let me think of how to phrase this. It's more of a, like, you go on vacation, right? Some people go to Hawaii. I go on a bender, you know?

Okay. When you go on a bender, what does that look like? Explain to us. This is all starting to make sense. The floor is covered with empty beer cans where you cannot walk to the bathroom. Wow. Yeah. Let's fucking do it up. Amazing. Look at you. You're a little fucking party machine. Brian. Yeah. Yes. Like,

It's a horrible, horrible habit, and I know better. I apologize. But yes, the F word's my favorite word. Which one is? Oh, fuck. You barely said it. I know I barely said it. Well, let's make up for that. It could be almost every word in the sentence. Fuck the fucking fuckers. Wow. That's right. Shout out to the church in Huntsville, Alabama. Amazing. So you love cuss words. What's your favorite racial slur? D-Madness, plug your ears. I...

Okay. I'm just kidding. I was kidding. I was kidding. Don't do it. The fact that we're running through choices says enough. Yeah, exactly. Really? I thought we were playing Ghetto Jeopardy again for a second. I was trying to ask for help from the audience. I love it. So Brian...

What else? You write about music, you judge music, but you don't do anything with music yourself. Not anymore, no. What did you used to do? Played rhythm guitar in a terrible band that was a hatebreed ripoff. That was a hatebreed ripoff? Yeah, you ever heard that band Hatebreed? We sounded exactly like them. It was a decent show, but zero original thought. That's all right. You're missing nothing. Deep Madness is a few whiskeys deep tonight.

Oh, really? What are you drinking tonight? Coffee. Oh, wow. What's going on? Oh, my goodness. D Madness is sober. This is absolutely incredible. That's amazing. All right. All right. Okay. All right, D. So...

Hatebreed is like a heavy metal rock band. Yeah, mosh pit stuff. Right. Yeah, metal band. Right. Did you sing at all for them? Like the backup vocals. Can we hear? Can you guys play some heavy metal for a second? I want to hear what Brian Cook sounds like. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, my fucking God.

What the fuck? What the fuck? You need to get some just for men. This is the fucking craziest grandfather I've ever seen in my life.

Divorced? Can you believe it? Bro, that was amazing, I think. Thank you. And you don't want to curse? That's so fucking weird. I feel like I just got fisted in a Spencer's, dude. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I mean, you have such an interesting range. Oh, yeah. The lung power.

Wow. What was the church that you shouted out earlier? Oh, they're going to love this. The Covenant Fellowship of Huntsville, Texas. All right. All right.

All right. What size joke book did you get last time you were on? A small one? Well, I'm going to tell you what. I like your fucking energy. I don't know about the set. The set was okay. I love the interview. I like your fucking style. There he goes. Brian Cook, ladies and gentlemen. All right.

We're coming around the mountain, ladies and gentlemen. We have another golden ticket winner. I got to get up here. This guy's on an absolute fucking kill streak of mass proportion. He's unstoppable right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. This is a new minute from Martin Phillips. What's up, everybody?

You know, we're in Texas, you know? The cowboy outfit is pretty pricey, you know? The hat, the boots, it's expensive. People pay a lot of money to look gay. Put it down. I...

I've been reading a food blog. I read it because a porn star writes it. You know, I'm tired of watching you have sex. I want to get to know you. Come on. Open up.

Anyway, in Great Britain, they call ladybugs ladybirds because red is the color of noble women and they fly like birds. In this country, we call them ladybugs because they're not fucking birds. You know what a bird looks like? Martin Phillips has done it again. I mean...

You are unstoppable. So many great sets from you. It is the only situation where I'm unstoppable. Oh, my God. Rock solid material. Unbelievable. Unbelievable structure from a guy who is off balance all the time.

You came out guns a blazing, made fun of cowboys, looking gay even though you're the one with the broke back. You son of a bitch. You're one of the few men I could easily rape, so you be careful over there.

You be careful. Or else you're going to see my cerebral ballsies. You know what I mean? Hello? Hello? I want to see your bean. Matt Wright's like, where the fuck am I right now? What is this chaos? Matt, how about the great Martin Phillips? So fucking funny, man. Thanks, dude. When, uh,

When were you vaccinated? Years ago. I was about the first. Do you actually read food reviews?

I ran a porn star dinner, but I never actually ran her work. But I considered it. I was like, well, you know, this might be good. Support the art, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Favorite food? I don't know. Soup?

I'm not that retarded. I'm sharing Nathan. Oh my goodness. Whoa, taking shots.

Taking shots at the even less fortunate than yourself. That's absolutely incredible. These people would all kill one another if given the opportunity. Martin, do you cook at home? I have a crock pot. I don't like a lot. Yep. Crock pot is very hard to drop. It stays on the counter the entire time. Unlike a frying pan or a regular pot.

Yeah. Crockpot stays stable. It's hard to fuck it up. Exactly. Anyone can do it. That's true. That's true. That's what the tagline could be. Anybody can do this shit. What do you like to make in your crockpot? Have you ever made any hopping johns, perhaps? Actually, my dad actually makes that every New Year's. Really? I swear to God. Look at that. He uses shake and bake. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My dad makes it, not me. My dad. Yeah, well, at least something was hopping in that household. All right.

I love it. Martin, what have you been doing with yourself lately? Oh, I've been all over, you know, touring around and whatnot, doing some shows. Aaron Blythe is bringing me around. I think he just wants to get paid twice because people think we're the same person. So I think that's his scheme, you know. Yeah.

That makes sense. You guys are out there touring around, getting on the airplane before everybody else.

Hell yeah, let's do it. I don't know what it's like to wait. I was like, what am I, a peasant? Like, fuck that, dude. I'm not waiting. Absolutely. Absolutely. You get to be on the plane anywhere but the emergency exit row. Yeah, bro. Yeah. You ever been in the emergency? You ever just lie and pretend like... I take one and say there's no other seat and...

I don't like to sit there, though, because I'm an anxious guy, so we'd hit the curb and then slam open the door. We were flying out. I was like, oh, sorry, my bad. I'm not a good guy for a door. What else is going on, Martin? You know, I know last time I was here, I did kind of get overly heated about...

My driving. Yeah, you were very offended. Which I do, which I do. But the good driving story I have. You've been driving? What happened? This was back home. It was like a narrow street. And my side mirror scraped the car. And I didn't realize it, but the guy chased me down. Oh.

And he was like yelling at me and stuff. And then I get out the car and he was like, "Nevermind." I thought it was like a Jedi mind trick. I was like, "Oh fuck." So the best part, he apologized to me. I was like, "Damn."

Absolutely amazing. So, yeah. No one's questioned me about my driving. They've just been really happy for me. How much is your insurance? I never did an accident. So, it's good. Amazing. If you need a guy, I'm friends with Shake from State Farm. Yeah. Good one. Thanks. I'm not proud of him. I'm going to have to go to his church.

I don't know who your insurance company is, but thank goodness your disease isn't progressive. That is a girl. Okay, Jesus. No, I mean it. I mean it. I love it. I love it.

I love it. Okay. And you do move like the Geico lizard, so it is incredible. We're covering all the insurance. What does that mean? What does that mean? He's a lizard. I don't know. How do lizards move? I don't know. I like to lose the gecko.

I love how you get strangely defensive sometimes. You're like, don't make me pull my hand out of my pocket right now. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, my goodness. Whoa, whoa. Whoa. I thought he was doing magic.

Martin, you do it again and again and again. Your minutes are just fucking unbelievable. Clawing his way to the history books. One more time for the great Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. All right. We got to start to put a ribbon on this goddamn thing.

Your next bucket poll is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen, representing you, the audience, here, where anything can happen. So it's probably a first-timer. Make some noise for Javier Ramirez. Oh, my goodness. Wow. From right in the corner, Javier Ramirez. Yo, what is going on, world? Hey, hi. You like that? Uh...

Yeah, I am autistic. I know it's not obvious because I'm not banging my head against the floor, but I am, you know. I am also gay, bisexual, so fuck everybody here, you know. So, uh, probably an injury from the vaccine, if you ask me, yeah. Well, shit. Uh...

Yeah, you guys a big genocide crowd, yeah? You know, hey. All right, let's see how this goes. Been kind of a news buff myself, kind of under-reported numbers in Israel, yeah, you know. Turns out they're doing girl math out there, you know. In Gaza's having girl dinner, yeah. All right, how am I doing? Holy shit, holy fuck, I'm here, huh? Yes, God bless America.

And, yeah, I love you guys. Yeah, 27, getting older. All my friends are either getting into barbecuing or grooming.

Either way, the meat could cook a little bit and aged meat, you know, you got to get a little bit into it. Yeah, whatever. That was great. Yeah. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, hello. Hello. Hi there. Hi there, Ramirez. Welcome to the show. Absolutely. Good to see you. Oh, yeah. The voice of God. Absolutely. No doubt about it.

Welcome to the show, Javier Ramirez. You came out. You said that you're autistic. You're gay. You're bi, which means you're also a Democrat. It's all very exciting. No, Trump 2024. Oh, wow. Very good. Goddamn right. I'll stand on that. Yeah, Texas, baby. What are you doing, man? Oh, my goodness. This is incredible. Matt Rife, you are delicious, bro. Wow. Oh, my God. Goddamn. You know, I'm going to say that right now, man.

You sound like the Easter Island head from Night at the Museum. Yeah, it's pretty much me, man. That is me, yeah. Wow. Holy fuck. Listen to that fucking voice. Hey, hey. So I do voiceovers. You fucking better. Yeah.

So I would like to put my dream out there. Yeah? Maybe not for this show, but there's other shows at the Mothership. Uh-huh. And there's an announcer who's usually a door guy. So ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for a comedy show? Oh, come on. You can definitely do better than that. Are you ready for a comedy show? Yeah. In Austin, Texas, give it up for Javier Ramirez. Yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe or whoever. It's actually pretty good. Yeah.

It's actually pretty good. We could probably get you to record that first part. I would love to do that. I would very much love that. Then we'll just give you a list of comedians' names that usually open the show. Yeah, you know. Hey, maybe one day. Oh, yeah, dude. Who knows?

Holy fuck, I'm here. That's incredible. You live here in Austin, Javier? Yes, yes, sir. I just moved from Costa Rica. Who the fuck is that guy? They just handed you a shirt. These are my friends, yes. You came with this whole crew of people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are my friendos, yeah. Wow. I've been here the whole time. God damn, you look good, man. I'm just going to say. Oh, stop hitting on Matt. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. That is incredible. Hell, yeah. Which, which, are you, are you more gay or more straight? Which, where do you live? Oh.

On the spectrum. Whichever one gets me into heaven. Yeah, whatever. Let me ask you a question. Is your throat as deep as your voice? Yeah. Boom, boom, boom.

I take after my mom, actually. Yeah. Kind of a deep throat on my mom, too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. God damn. That is incredible. Love you, Mom. Incredible. Wow. How's your relationship with your father? Oh, great, actually. What's he do? He's a mechanical engineer. Smart as shit. Yeah. Smart as shit. I'm not. What do you do? I work in tech. It's bullshit. But I do voiceover stuff. I love announcing. I love Bruce Buffer. So if you guys could introduce me to him, that'd be a dream. Yeah.

He's not going to fuck you. Probably not. I'll still try, though. No, he won't. Hell yeah, man. I'm so happy to be here. What have you used your voice for before? Commercials and IVRs and stupid stuff like that. Anything we would recognize? Not yet. Hopefully... Double kill. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you should tell people bad news. Yeah, I should do that. Just work in a hospital? It's stage four. Stage four.

Doesn't sound that bad. Yeah, I appreciate it. Hell yeah. Holy fuck. Can I shake your hand, brother? I'm not going to jerk off with you later. Good to meet you, man. Thank you. Great to meet you, man. Hell yeah, man. Does your shirt have buttons up top? No, no. I'm kind of rocking the, you know what I'm saying? Oh my God. This is a creepy bucket.

pool. My entire band wants to know if you know the Chocolate Rain song. Chocolate Rain. I forget. Chocolate Rain, right? Chocolate Rain. I don't remember the lyrics.

I'm sorry, brother. What a wasted opportunity that was. Holy fuck. Wow. Okay. All good. I can't believe there's another reference. I don't know. Chocolate rain? Don't do this. I bet you do, Tony. This is fucking crazy. What is going on tonight? Hell yeah.

Stop. I've never heard that song in my entire life. What the fuck is going on here tonight? Yeah, holy fuck, huh? Wake up, Tony. You're in a car accident. Wake up. Something's up, dude. Jesus Christ. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. If I was blind, I'd still be able to hear songs, D-Madness. Bastard.

You bastard. Unbelievable. Oh, D, celebrating his victory. The old, what are you, blind? I always celebrate my victory. All right, realize. Yes, sir. Oh, my goodness. Holy fuck, man. Is he blind? Holy fuck, yeah. Wait, for real? Nuh-uh. I'm realizing right now.

He did not flinch. I would like for that to be on the record. He did not flinch at all. He's not flinching. In fact, he smiled at your attack. Laughing off Matt Wright's attack right now. I had no idea. That is amazing. I do realize I forgot to tell you that. Yeah.

That's one of the things that I tend to go over with the guests. We have a blind-based player. It's like part of my ramble. I hope he gets to keep that. He threw a towel and it missed him. Wait, who threw a towel? D-Madness, no throwing things, D. It got me. You're out of control. Yeah. You hit an Asian lady in the face with a towel, and she's not going to be able to drive home after this. I'm going to have a movie.

Oh, there you go. You have something in common. Javier Ramirez. Yes, sir. You're autistic, you're gay, you're bi, you're straight, you're everything. I'm everything, baby. So what's the craziest sexual experience you've ever had in your life? Oh, boy, am I happy to tell you. Wait a second. Let me just take a moment to inform the audience and the internet that his entire very large group of friends just started going crazy when I asked this question. So let's hear it. Go right ahead. Answer the question.

So I was hooking up with a beta swale and chick. They're kind of cheap nowadays, you know. Kind of go for nothing. And so I didn't shit before the date, which in hindsight might have been bad. Wait, you did what? I did not shit before going on a date. Oh, you did not shit. Poop who had my cock a hole, yes. Uh-huh.

And yeah, she was trying to finish me off, as they do. And she was giving me head. I'm sorry. You know, on YouTube, I'm sorry. But yes. And I was laying down. Very nice. And she did some kind of veiled swill and magic on me or something. Some kind of tongue twister, you know. And holy shit did I fart in her face. It was pretty bad. It was really like a bad one, too.

You Chuck buried her. Yeah, right. Oh, yeah. A lot of splatter on that one. Wow. You almost gave her some chocolate rain. Yeah.

That's a professional. There you go. That is a professional right there. Wow. Holy shit. Wow. Yeah. So then, you know, I just like laughed and I was like, well, what the fuck was that? You know? That laugh must have sounded menacing. I'm thinking that's all in my face. Oh my God. One fart, maybe two. Yeah.

Yeah, man. Amazing. I offered her some water to wash it down. Was that the answer you thought he was going to give? The crew that popped hard when I asked him his craziest sexual experience? I told him about it. He's the homie. Is that the one? Yeah. They're my friends through Allie, too. I just met her. She's nice. Have you slept with anybody in your firm yet? Not yet. We'll see how it goes on. Yeah.

Good to see you. You're an asshole, too. You gave me a fake fist bump at the little boy. I would love to get the fist bump back. You're talking to me? Yeah, you faggot. How did I... What are you saying? What kind of fake fist bump? What do you mean? So, it was bottom of the barrel, and I was front stage, and you did the wait-hold level. I've been meaning to do this. Oh, God. Wait. What are you about to do? Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yes. Yes.

That was pretty good. Javier, stick with the point. What do you mean fake fist bump? I was going to give you a fist bump, and then you were like, I'm good. Right. Because I didn't fist bump anybody. Yeah. Can I get a fist bump now?

Can I get it back, Tony? Are you going to fart if I do it? Maybe. Here you go, Javier. I appreciate you, man. There you go. Thank you. The prophecy is fulfilled. Hell yeah, man. Javier Ramirez getting a little joke book. There he goes. Caught it. Caught that bitch. Thank you very much. Trump 2024, baby. Good shit, Javier. God bless America. Thank you. There he goes. The mayor of monkey pox, ladies and gentlemen, Javier Ramirez.

And it is that time, ladies and gentlemen. We've had a hell of a show. There's only one way to put a ribbon on it. It is true. He is the man, the myth, the legend, the Tijuana Tornado, the Vancouver Vampire, the Toronto Tarantula, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. Thank you.

A school lunchroom lady was recently arrested for stealing one and a half million dollars worth of chicken wings. Apparently she was good friends with David Lucas. But I just think her name should have been a big red flag for the school. Kenesha Popeye? Heiress to the Popeye's fortune!

Last week in Uganda, a mountain of garbage collapsed and killed 23 people, which is pretty disappointing because I had "Visit Uganda" as the 957th item on my bucket list. I'm never going to Uganda! Why did Red Band buy 101 Dalmatians from Cruella de Vil? Because he heard there were some hot dogs for sale. Dumbass! You love hot dogs, and those are... A hot dog is a stolen dog! Okay.

I used to be in a Christian death metal boy band and our fan base did not get along. Okay, that's my time. Exactly one minute on the absolute dot. He has indeed done it again.

That's why he is the Big Red Machine. Billy Boy, McGumballs, William Lights Out Montgomery V. First of his name, King of the Gandalfs, the Wizard of the Rotisserie, the Maestro of Montropolis, the Baron of the Bean, the Chocolatier of Rain, the Reference Robot.

William Lights Out Montgomery. Tony, this is kind of a... Thank you, Tony. Thank you. I could go on and on. I know. Thank you. This is kind of a weird one for me tonight. Yeah, why? Matt, I cannot believe... You and I have never met before. It's always been one of my biggest... Long overdue, dude. Oh, my gosh. It's so nice to see you tonight. You're fucking hilarious, man. Well, thank you so much. It's so nice to see you tonight. Likewise.

That's very nice of you. I'm just a little embarrassed or something. I don't know what to say, Tony. It's okay. Don't freak out, William. Don't freak out. William gets a little shy. He's a little interesting. Matt, guess what happened on Friday? No, he's not gay. Oh, he's going to turn on you real quick. Wait, what the fuck did you answer?

All right, okay. You think I got that? No, but oh my gosh, I went to Perry's Steakhouse. They have a wonderful deal on pork chops on Friday, and I go there...

Yeah, shout out to Barry's. Wonderful deal on the Porkchops on Friday. And I have to go TT real bad, Tony. And I go to the bathroom and there's this scary looking big homeless man just wandering around in there and I have to pee so bad. So I go to one of the two urinals and there's shit in one of the urinals and two paper towels. And he's trying to rip down the door to the freaking stall. And then I go out and I tell everybody there's shit in the urinal. Everybody that works there.

Nice to see you, man. Yeah, nice to see you. Nice to see you. This is William Montgomery, indeed, in the... God, I messed that up! I messed that story up in front of you, man. There's no way I would have known.

It was great. William has the record for all-time appearances on this show, interviews on this show, everything. For real? The first living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Well, no, that's not true. Michael was alive when he got it. Yeah, and any of these keyboard warriors who think this fucking shit is easy, this shit is not fucking easy! And either of you idiots...

They think you can do it. Do you like to critique me? Any of you who think you can do this, never! Never! You have no idea what it takes. Do you know how long it took me to write the 101 Dalmatians joke? Took me five fucking hours yesterday, dude. Ugh.

Anyway, what I was saying was that he has the record for all-time appearances, interviews, everybody. He's been on almost every single show for over five years. Is that right? How long has it been? Because there's this one piece of shit. I don't look at the fucking... You go ahead. Go ahead. Let it out. Let it out. Let it out. Do you know the words to Chocolate Rain?

No, but what were you saying, Tony? I was going to say, all-time record holder for appearances on the show, and I don't think I've ever seen you quite as shy in front of anyone as Matt Rife here. Super shy right now. Again, we have never met. Oh, man, he just winked at me, Tony. Whoa. William's famous for winking. Really? You didn't know that? I didn't know that. When he does it, a special noise happens and everything, a little sparkle noise. Watch, watch, watch.

There it is. Okay, okay. Red band. I can't do it that fast, dumbass. You can't even. And it's weird. When Red Band gets wasted, he loves to get just blackout drunk, and it looks like he doesn't blink at all, which is so funny. His eyes never fully shut. He has a gluten allergy, William, and he loves gluten. So he's constantly in an allergic state.

He's staring you down. Look at this. Wow, this is amazing. William is completely disinterested in this. William, where are you from? I'm from Memphis, Tennessee. I fucking love Memphis. Good barbecue. Yeah, really good barbecue. Good barbecue. Yeah, my gosh. Have you been to the hotel? What, the Peabody? No, not the Peabody. The one. The one in the pyramid? No, not that one. Hold on. What's another one in Memphis? The Lorraine Motel?

I don't know what the name of it is. The One. It would have come up on Black Timber. Martin Luther King got shot? Yes. I've been there. Really good barbecue right next door. Wait. Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. First the bean, then chocolate rain. You're telling me Martin Luther King got shot? I knew it. I fucking knew it was coming too. So stupid. All right. All right. All right. That was a joke.

All right. So William, something interesting happened on my way back from New York City. I was lucky enough to be able to hitch a ride on a friend's jet. And the jet had an engine problem and had to make an emergency landing in, of all places, Memphis, Tennessee.

And immediately we find out that, oh, shit, they don't have the part for the jet, and we're going to have to take a commercial flight, and the next one's not available for three or four hours. So we get a commercial flight, and then we have three or four hours in Memphis, Tennessee. So guess who I called and messaged?

My papa. And? My mama. That's right. Papa didn't respond right away, so I immediately hit up mama, and they started giving me restaurant recommendations and hotel recommendations, but that was before I realized we could get a commercial flight out of there, because I thought I might have to stay in Memphis. So there I am, communicating with your lovely parents, who I'm very close with, and I'm

It turns out I didn't have enough time to go to the restaurant that they recommended, so I looked up restaurants that were close to the airport, right down the street on Elvis Presley Boulevard, where the airport is, and it turns out it was an Elvis-themed restaurant, and we only had about an hour and a half, two hours to eat food. And of all the days that I could have had an emergency landing in Memphis, Tennessee, I swear to God, it was indeed, of course, Memphis.

Elvis Presley Day. Uh-uh. Yeah. And so there we are thinking, okay, we're just going to go get some quick Memphis barbecue real quick at this fucking Elvis joint. And there's a wait. Everybody's dressed like Elvis. The place is fucking insane. And so I spent some time in Memphis. I love it. Well, you should have gone to Mama and Papa's house.

I wanted to. I know. You should have gone over there. I was really close to making that move, but I tried to make it back to make it to Monday Night Raw, which I also wasn't able to do that. Shout out to Sammy Zane, Pat McAfee. Tony, I'm glad the plane didn't crash or something. We wouldn't even be here today. Could you imagine that? Just nobody. There wouldn't be a line outside. Nothing. Yikes. It did crash. You have to be careful, Tony. That is true. I've always told you about the private jet.

jets. You know that. Okay. You know I have, Tony. I don't take private jets, William. I don't take private jets. It was a special instance. Okay. Be careful. I fly commercial with the people. I'm a man of the people. I take Southwest flights. Position group B.

Because I like to be mixed in with normal humans. I like to be able to write material and connect with the people. But I take jets any chance I get. It's truly a superior way of travel. And once you start, there's really no going back. It's after you take a jet once, you're just furiously angry on flights, even if you're in first class. It's disgusting. All right, I'm kidding.

So, William, anything else crazy happening this week? Just Remnant 2. It's some video game, Tony. I think I've put in 40 hours the past four days. That's 10-hour days of the math on that. But yeah, it's Remnant 2. It's a third-person shooter. You can upgrade your character. You can upgrade everything about it, but yeah, I cannot get enough of that. I'm about to go back and play until probably 5 a.m. tonight. I have to be careful, Matt. I've been playing it all night long. Poor guy. I know. I don't know how to stop. I know.

I don't know how to talk to you. Everything you say is a mystery, dude. Well, nice to be here, Tony. Thank you. William, we love you. He ain't never going to stop. There goes William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps one of the greatest hot dog jokes I've ever seen in my life. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in. Make some noise for fucking Matt Rife. What a great fucking...

What a great time we had. MattRifeOfficial.com for his new world tour. Also Lucid on Netflix. Number one right now. Matt, you're the fucking man. So much fucking fun. You have the fucking best fans, man. Thank you so much for letting me do this. Thank you so much. A true pleasure to have you. Shout out to Squarespace, Strap King, ZipRecruiter, Shopify, and HIMSS. One more time for the best damn band in the land.

Red Band, would you like to say something? Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com. Love you guys. Indeed. We do love you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. We'll see you again soon. Good night. Thank you. Bye-bye. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.