#675 - WILLIAM MONTGOMERY + NICK SWARDSON
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey y'all, it is going down August 9th and 10th. Our biggest shows ever. Kill Tony live from Madison Square Garden in beautiful New York City. There are still very few tickets available for the live shows in New York. And if you can't make it,

New York City you can watch the live stream all of your favorite cast and characters of the show It is going to be absolutely historical. We are holding absolutely nothing back We are so pumped about this event and everything we've ever done up to this point feels like practice to us all the other arenas all the big shows the

Development of all the characters the growth of all the comedians August 9th and 10th it all comes to a head kill Tony live.com for the live stream and tickets at ticket master comm for the live shows Hey, this is Red Rake coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin Texas for a brand new episode of kill Tony get up for Tony Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

You made it. You lucky motherfuckers made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by DraftKings Game Time and Talk Space. This is Kill Tony. How about a hand for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen? And how about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? We got the full squad here tonight. Grooveline Horns. Make some noise for Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo.

Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. We are joined by the amazingly talented freak of nature, Marcus King tonight, ladies and gentlemen, who just brought shock and awe to the room. His new album, Mood Swings, the hit single, Delilah, out now. Go listen to it. He's a fucking freak of nature. We also have the great, of course, John Dees watching over us.

And we have the great and powerful Dee Madness listening over us. A hell of a goddamn show, as always, in store. Before we get started, here's a little bit from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. ♪

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

You know, every single week when I book this thing, I always try to make sure that I'm dialed in with what's happening in the world. And sometimes we bring people in from within, from within our own family to be featured on this for the full show. This guy's coming off a very, very big weekend in his life. So, uh,

Just one guest tonight, but you know him. You know him well. Hall of Fame member. The man who has the record for all-time appearances on this show. The most interviews on this show. Some people call him the Virgin from Vermont. The Tijuana Tarantula. The Memphis Strangler. The Baltimore Bobby Bonilla. The Vanilla Gorilla.

This is indeed the Big Red Machine. Make some noise for William Montgomery. Wow. Tony, I am so happy to be... No, I'm kidding. No, Tony, it's so...

Nice to be here. I'm so excited I made it. I literally just got back from Paris, France about an hour ago. It was a real big opportunity for me. They were telling me I finally was going to be able to headline the fucking opening ceremony of the Olympics. Obviously, Tony, I was so excited. And then I fucking pretty much bomb. I don't know what fucking happened. Everybody's saying I'm making fun of Christian people. And that's not the case. I was just...

Having fun. So it's so nice to be here. I'm glad I was able to make it here tonight. It was amazing. We all saw you. Uh,

You didn't tell anybody that you were going to do that. You kept it a secret from all of us. You wanted to surprise us. We would have given you some notes, perhaps, on how to handle it differently. Well, Tony, I thought I would finally go out on a limb on my own. I'm very sorry. I mean, that really... Red Band, I'm sure, would have had a bunch of really great ideas on it. So I really... I'm sure I should have asked Red Band. I mean, his fucking ass would have made it hilarious, probably. I mean, he's so funny, but...

But yeah, no, I mean, I should have asked for your expertise. I really should have because I was just thinking I'm going to be Dionysus. I'm going to have some fucking fun out there. And that's the best I knew how to do. And here we are. So I guess my only question is, why are you, why do you still look like that? God, Tony, I started raving again. I'm on something new.

Literally, I think it's called candy flipping. It's 2CB and MDMA. I want some of that still. But yeah, no, Tony, I haven't been to sleep yet. I can't get the fucking paint off of my body. It's literally, I don't know what I'm going to do. It sounds like a jet engine in my fucking apartment and now I can't. Ha ha ha ha.

I'm so excited about this. You're gonna be on the entire episode. One more time for William Montgomery, here we go. And so it begins. And you know we've been rotating regulars lately. We have so many greats that we've been using to open the show in our new rotating opening format. And William, obviously you know how the show works,

There's 259 people that signed up tonight for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on the stage. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And that's what happens. But for your first comedian, the bear is out of commission because this is a very special treat, ladies and gentlemen. You know, we have regulars, we have golden ticket winners. And then in the history of the show, 11 years, tens of thousands of bucket pools in the history of this show.

And the man that is starting tonight's show, truly, I mean, it is unbelievable, only got pulled once before. He's only done stand-up comedy ever. One other time. Meanwhile, he is one of the most requested comedians, one of the most requested legends ever.

in the history of the show. He flew in for this. Ladies and gentlemen, his second time ever doing stand-up comedy. Starting tonight's show, I present to you the long-awaited return, Gary Falcon! What's up, Austin? How about William Montgomery right here? I've never wanted to suck off a Smurf more in my life. All right, here we go.

Let's see how this plays out. My name is Gary. That movie Oppenheimer bombed in Japan. Yep. Do you ever fart at the bar and then forget that you farted? And you're like, who smells like semen? Look at Tony. What a weird looking Muppet. He looks like if Jim Henson were asked to build a faggot. I want to go to a restaurant, crowded restaurant, and be like, oh my God, on my phone, like, my wife's having a boy!

And then everyone's like, hey, and they cheer. And I'm like, oh, shit, my phone broke up. She's having an abortion. I like being at a bar, and when a woman asks where the bathroom is, I point to my mouth. That's it for me. Thank you. Gary, get over here. Join the show.

The long-awaited return of Gary Falcon. Gary, there's the sound of the Falcon that is Gary. Come and go. That's all you need to know. Or go and come. Right, band? Let's go.

Couldn't be more excited to have you back, Gary. William. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, William. Anything you want to say? Were you kidding about sucking off the Smurf thing? Was that a joke? I don't know. Was I? I don't know. We'll maybe figure it out by the end of the evening. Yeah. Cool. I'll fucking downplay a fucking avatar or cosplay an avatar. Sorry.

It's fine. I'm actually going as... Honestly, I feel bad for lying to you people. I was over in France, but I'm actually the colloidal silver guy. I started. I tried to make it as the singing. Now I'm going back to colloidal silver. Love it. I'm on board. Ladies and gentlemen, while we go wrangle...

the other, our first bucket pool of the night. Why don't we get a quick minute from a legend of the show and a golden ticket winner. This is a brand new minute from Drew Nickens, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Here's Drew. - Hey! Hey! Hanging out with women is great, but energy drinks are better. I mean, they keep me out of trouble because you can't get a Red Bull pregnant.

I made up a pickup line. Can I make you a Cowboys quarterback? So I can make you choke when it matters? No game! My mom says I have stepdad energy! You know, stepdad energy? Where you pay the phone bill, but you're not allowed in the group chat? Stepdad energy? Where you dress like you wait at the mall massage chairs? All your family spending your goddamn money? Stepdad energy?

Where you raise a kid, they become a pro athlete. Then their father comes out in real life. I think I have more like special needs uncle energy. Hold the pedophilia. Yeah. True Nickens. Oh my God. It's Gary Falcon. It is. It's Gary Falcon. You're very excited to see him. Yeah. I like that hat.

Hell yeah. Thank you, Logan Palsy. Gary's got a mind of his own. I love it. Gary can get away with anything. I love it. That is great. Hell yeah. Drew, that was great. I love it. Can't get a Red Bull pregnant. Have you tried? My dick's too big. Very good. I can't get it in the hole. We got it. We knew what you meant. We knew what you meant.

Absolutely. Amazing. William Montgomery, have you ever seen anything like this before? I could have used your pizzazz. I could have used your fucking enthusiasm Friday night in Paris. I mean, people are saying part of my problem was I wasn't...

Being energetic enough so I really could have used, I could learn a trick from your book. I mean, you were on it tonight. Are you serious that your dick, you couldn't fit it in a can because it's too big? Are you kidding? There's a small hole in the Red Bull can and I'm not allowed around knives so I can't cut a hole in because maybe if I cut a hole in the full Red Bull can, I can fit it in. Why aren't you allowed around knives?

Okay, yeah, I forgot. It's you. That's right. Absolutely. How could I forget? Could you fit it into a Red Bull? Oh, yeah, maybe.

I love it. Drew, you are a wild, wild boy. Anything else crazy going on in your life? I just did my first self-produced show yesterday. Wow. Over in Plano, yeah. I did 20 minutes for the first time. It was great. Wow, you did a 20-minute set. Yes, sir. Okay. What did you find that your challenges were during that? My challenges is I like to go really high energy, and I don't like to stop.

Right. So what I'm realizing is I have to take a break, reset, and then go again. Yeah. What do you do? Just sit silent for 30 seconds? No, no. About five seconds. Take a sip of water, you know, strategize. Maybe wink at a lady in the crowd. You never know. Yeah. Do you ever sleep? I feel like you sleeping is just like, blah! Ah!

That's fucking dream! Let's fucking go, dream! It's got to be so intense. That's a compliment, by the way. Thank you. I just want a video of you sleeping. These are some of the best evaluations of Drew that I've ever heard since he's joined the show. Gary, you are spot on, not only as a comedian, but as a guest. Blessings. Drew, thank you for getting this show started. There he goes.

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To the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. This is where shit gets wild. This is where we meet people all at once. This one got ran around from the bar across the street. He's now here. Make some noise for your first bucket pool tonight. We're going to meet them all together. This is the debut, I do believe, of Ethan Kim, everybody. Ethan Kim. Here we go.

Hi, my name is Ethan. This is first time to stand up comedy in America. I just come to Texas. Everything is just so big. People, cars. I come all the way from North Carolina, bro. I'm from the South, man.

Grew up in Charlotte, right? Yeah, no, I have that Southern pride, yeah, but not Korea, right? I live in New York now, but I moved from the South, and I think I'm the only person in New York who actually misses the South, right? Like, especially during election season, right? One thing I miss about the South are those political ads, right? Do you guys know what I'm talking about?

Right? In North Carolina, we had these political satire ads that didn't even try to hide the racism. Like, we had this one guy named Bill Graham who was running for governor, right? And in his ad, he talks about how China is polluting our rivers, right? China is turning our beautiful American waters into goddamn miso soup! You mean wonton soup, bro. They're turning our rivers to wonton soup, right? Like, it's 2024, bro. If we're going to be racist, let's at least be educated about it, right?

Yeah, but no, I miss the South. I think especially during... Go ahead. You can go ahead. I want to hear more. You miss the South and what? I miss the South during the election season. I feel like it was too dead in New York when Trump got shot, right? Like people have bigger things to do, right? Okay. Holy fuck, dude. It's tough. Holy shit, dude. It's a tough industry. I'm going to keep that one in the North, dude. Ethan Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Ethan Kim. Holy fuck, dude. That shit kills in New York, huh?

I wouldn't say kills. I would just say like slightly beats. I love it. Ethan, how long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about six months. Six months. I love it. You're by far one of the funniest female comedians we've had on this show. You are a beautiful, beautiful girl. Red band is hard as a rock right now. Hard as a walk. W-O-K.

I love it. So about six months, what made you, how old are you? I'm 22. Beautiful. That's amazing. You started at 22. Started at 21. Yeah. Great. That's a great time to start. What made you want to do that? I have like very supportive Asian parents. Really? Yeah. I know. Unbelievable. It's actually unbelievable, dude. I see all the other Asian comedians in New York talk about how their parents are like disowning them for doing this. And I'm just like, oh.

Oh, fuck. But no, I have really supportive parents and they've always encouraged me to pursue artistic stuff. Yeah. Amazing. I just felt like I want to do something. I love it. That's great. Six months in. Solid. Solid.

Set-ups are a little long, you know, a little unrelatable, but I mean, you're going to get there. Six months, you're right on pace. You have good stage presence. Appreciate it. You seem like a cool guy. Thank you. You seem like you caught all the Pokemon that there were to catch. Every single one, dude. Every single one. New York City's a booming city. Got to catch them all. You know what that noise means. You're a little Wubberducky. Can you do an impression of a Wubberducky? Can I do an impression of a...

I don't know how to. It's impossible. How do you do that, dude? It was a trick question. You answered it perfectly correct. So you know a lot of Asian comedians in New York City? There aren't a ton. I know the local ones. No one huge, though, yet. No one big yet. Yeah, there's no one big over there. That's a good point. There's someone that we know, right? There's someone that we know that moved to New York. Who? That's actually his middle name.

So, Ethan, how do you make a living? How do you pay your bills? Very supportive parents. I actually have like a 9 to 5. I'm here for a work trip, and I quickly changed to come do this. I love it. I mean, this is my dream, but yeah, I have a 9 to 5. What do you do for a 9 to 5? I do sales, yeah. Okay, what are you selling? I sell toothbrushes. Really? Yeah. What kind of toothbrushes are they? I used to sell pads and tampons, but I...

Didn't have the expertise, so I moved to toothbrushes. So a little of that. William, a toothbrush is something you use on your teeth to clean them. Yeah, well, I was just wondering when you were saying that, where do you sell them? In the bathroom of a Panda Express or something? I confuse them with chopsticks, bro. Okay, I'm kidding. No, thank you. I've been hearing people talk about toothbrushes, and I was wondering what they were.

Yeah, this is my dentist, Hacky Chan. What kind of toothbrushes are you selling? Are they normal toothbrushes? Soy sauce flavored, I don't know. No, come on. No, I sell Oral-B. Oral-B? The electronic ones. Tony likes Oral-D. I do. I love Oral-Bs.

I really do. So they're electronic. Are they different than the competitors? How would you sell them? Sell me on a toothbrush. Let's get a spotlight on them. You sell me your toothbrush. You need to wear your toothbrush. Your teeth are more yellow than my skin. Yeah.

That is a very nice toothbrush. No, it's okay. Ethan, do it how you do it in real life. Sell me a real toothbrush. If I actually had to sell you a real toothbrush, I'm actually pretty lame because I don't actually do traditional sales. So I'm just like...

I hate that. I'm an account executive. All right, sell me a tampon. Okay, okay, there you go. Okay, well, I'd have to ask, what ethnicity do you identify as? I identify as black. Okay, well, then I would recommend a pad because ethnic women over-index in using pads because people of color tend to... No, no, they tend to have heavier flows. Oh, you stereotyping me. Oh, I'm going to get fired. Fuck. Whip it through the...

It's my last I got a pad. I have a home. I have a place where I lay my head to rest Why you be telling me I need a bad? Please see this is what my people don't even like yo people mama push you on a subway track What Tashi was stops? Ethan you have a girlfriend I just broke up with my ex because she was just a sick person just very sick in what ways was she sick leukemia

- There you go, very good. See, you got it. For 22, you got a little, there's a little something in there. - Putting all the effort in, like she's just staying there. I had to pull the plug, yeah. - Amazing. Pull the plug. - Okay. - Okay, tell us. - I don't have a girlfriend, no. - But did you break up with a girl? - No, I didn't have a girlfriend. - You've never had a girlfriend? - I have had a girlfriend, but not recently. - Okay. What are you doing? - What sign was she, Cancer?

What? So, when's the last time you had a girlfriend? Well, I was, gosh, I was like seeing this girl a couple months ago, but I graduated and she has another year left of school, so. A couple months ago. How long have you been in Texas? I've been in Texas for six hours. Six hours? Yeah, I'm literally here for work and I landed and had meetings and then just rushed over here. Just killed Tony. So...

How long are you in town for? I'm in town until Friday. I'd love to give you five minutes on the Secret Show Thursday. Thank you so much, man. That's a wild success. Wow. Thank you. You're six months in. Sign up again next time. Maybe it'll get bigger. There goes Ethan Kim to start the show, ladies and gentlemen. Ethan Kim. We have many famous Kims. Hans, Congdon, and now Ethan has joined the fray.

Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of... Oh, I know what that noise means. That must be Heidi's here, everybody. Make some noise for Heidi, everyone. Look at her. Isn't she just fantastic? Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Corinne Aaliyah, everybody. Here we go. Make some noise for Corinne, everybody. Any of you guys here fans of pro wrestling? Make some noise.

Yeah, it's not really fucking idiots. Thank you. Me and my boyfriend doing this new move in bed recently called the Vinnie Mac. Yeah, it's where I sex traffic that ass and then shit all over his face. Thank you. It gets better. We have another one we've been doing called the Drizzy Drake. Yeah, that's the one where he fucks kids and acts black. You guys like conspiracy theories? Clap your hands.

Alright, so you guys like pizza? Gate? They can't even win a race. Yeah, because they always got to come in a little behind. Pedophiles hurt kids the most have clearly never heard of a good old Sandy Hook.

- Thank you. - All right, Corinna Leo. Welcome, welcome. - Thank you. - Have you been on this show before? - Yeah. - One other time? - Yeah. - Nice, I love it. How did this go compared to that time, you think? - I think this one was better. - Yeah, absolutely. - Yeah. - How long have you been doing standup? - A year. - One year. Where are you from? - Louisiana. - And how long have you been here in Austin? - A year and a half. - A year and a half, okay.

All right. Is it true? Do you and your boyfriend really do those moves in the bedroom? Yeah, he's gay. He likes pro wrestling. So yeah, I make fun of him all the time. Yes. Okay. Very good. Does he think it's real? You said it wasn't real. Does he think it's real? That would be insane. I know. I know. Okay. Okay.

What ethnicity are you, Corinna Leah? I'm Kajistani. Okay. So half Pakistani, half Cajun? Yeah. My mom is Cajun. Okay. When did you get fired from Lululemon? That's a good question. When did you get fired from Lululemon? Oh.

Okay, Corinne. So a year and a half in Austin, one year doing stand-up. What made you wait six months before you started? I started because of my boyfriend, honestly. Your boyfriend's a stand-up comedian? No, but he knows a lot of comics here. And he's the reason I started. We went to shows together, and I was like, why not me? And I just started. Yeah. Do you work hard at this?

Yeah, I try to go up every chance I have and work on my stuff. When you say every chance you have, what does that mean? So I have a full-time job as well. What's that? I'm a trainer. I'm a fitness trainer. You're a fitness trainer? Yeah. Okay. Is there something you specialize in in particular, in fitness? Group fitness. It's my own business, so I run my own business, and then I try to make time for comedy too. Okay. What's it called?

- Raging Cajun trainer. - Raging Cajun trainer? So you're like high energy or something when you're there? Or is it like this? You're like, "Hi, we're my own workout." - Does it come with diarrhea? - Yeah. - What'd you say, Gary? - Does it come with diarrhea? - Yeah. - All right, squat. Squat harder. Squat harder. - This is raging Cajun workout time, everybody. Oh my goodness.

All right, everybody, let's get in a circle and do some jumping jacks. All right, Red Band, Jesus. You're allowed one in episode. It's been 11 years. More spice! More underwear! Is everybody ready to shit their fucking pants today or what? It's going to be raging. It's going to be caging. All right, so here's what we're going to do. First, as you notice, there's a hot wing in front of each and every one of you. All right.

We're going to eat the hot wing, and then we're going to do somersaults. Here we go. Ooh, this is an extra hot one. My goodness. We're really raging in here. And we're really caging in here. You got to admit, no false advertising here. You should probably just work at a Lululemon, bitch. Holy shit!

And also, what could I have done differently during my performance on Friday in Paris? What do you think? Did you watch? Did you see what I did? Did you see what he did in Paris? Did you see? No, I didn't watch it. I just watched everybody get angry all over the internet about it. What'd you hear? People saying. Yeah. Lots of things. They're angry at you. They were really raging. They're angry at you.

I love it, Corinne. Amazing. So how does that go for you? You have fun training people? Yeah. You notice a change in their body? What would you recommend Red Band do? Is the color green right now? It's called Olive, Tony. LAUGHTER

That's not what all of me is. My mom says I should wear yellow shirts. It would be good on my skin color. That's weird. Your mom likes me wearing red shirts, so it's kind of weird. She can't afford it. She prefers you in yellow and me in red. That's fun. Amazing. Corinne Aaliyah, do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy?

Uh, yeah. I've been training Muay Thai for eight years. Oh, will you put the mic in the mic stand and show us a little bit of your Muay Thai? Can we get some Muay Thai music over here? Just shadow box a little bit. Pretend like someone's trying to steal your purse or something. But he's in front of you. He's that way. Oh, shit. Whoa, good head movement. Great. Oh, my goodness. Great. Okay, great. Amazing. Yeah, I'll beat the shit out of you. You try it.

I'm gonna beat the fucking shit out of you. - Mom is visiting me this weekend and I told her-- - That's crazy, my mom's visiting me this weekend. - I told her I would take her here to take her to her bar. My mom's name is Mitzi. - Oh wow. - Yeah. - That's incredible. - Yeah. - See, you're not Jewish? - No.

Your mom's name's Mitzi. Yeah. She's not Jewish. Are you sure she's not Jewish? Your hairdresser is. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, she runs a barbershop called Truish Jewish. Well, where's your mom at tonight? She's staying at a hotel, like, down south. Down south? Yeah. In Mexico? Yeah.

No. Thank you. It was a cheap room. I didn't know what to do. She's sitting down south. It's a four-hour drive. I realized every hour... I saved so much money. Hoo-ha.

All right. How far south is she? Probably like 15 minutes from here south. Does she like to drink? No, actually she's sober from alcohol. Well, I was going to invite you to invite her to Mitzi's tonight since her name's Mitzi. Yeah. Mitzi, the great Mitzi. I wanted her to get a photo with the sign at the bar. Yeah. Yeah. That would have been cool, but it's not going to happen now.

If we brought your mom into that bar after this show, there's no chance she'd be able to stay sober. It's known as one of the places that breaks people. They literally have to leave immediately. There's red neons, there's smoke in the air, and the vibe is absolutely ridiculous. It is a sober person's hell. She wouldn't stand an absolute chance. How long has she been sober for? A year and a half. Yeah, she wouldn't survive. There's no chance.

Oh man, I took my mom to get a picture with this sign and all of a sudden our lives are ruined. But congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. You're very fun. You have great charisma. So likable. Check out Raging Cajun. There she goes. Corinne Aaliyah. Fun. We're having fun. This is good.

All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name JT. Here we go, JT Abbott. Hell yeah. How are we doing tonight? Good, good. My girlfriend and I broke up recently. It's all good. You know, we didn't really see eye to eye all that much. She said tomato. I said cunt. What's up with rock climbers, huh? LAUGHTER

Get down from there. You know? We already invented ladders. I feel like that that war is over. You know? Yeah. I started smoking Delta 8 recently. Dog shit weed. Dog shit. And I think it's dog shit because it's named after a dog shit airline or Delta. You know? Like, I feel like if they wanted to get you really high, they should have named it Malaysian Flight 370. Because then you just get so high, you get lost. You know?

All right, cool. Thank you so much. That's my time. Very good. JT Abbott. My goodness. What a twist during that set. Thank you. The broke up girlfriend tomato cunt made me think that you were going to suck. And then all of a sudden, boom, what a surprise. It was like a misdirect.

because the get down from there was amazing. Yeah. And you followed up the momentum with the Delta. Thank you. Amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? I'm on three years now. Great. Where at? All of it here in Austin? I grew up in Plano, Texas, so Dallas area. Yeah, I can tell. Yes, sir.

No, I'm saying I can literally tell now. We've been here long enough to where I can tell when comedians have kind of been built around here. Around here? Between here and Dallas and Houston. It's just a different kind of three years. Yes, sir. If you spent the last three years starting in New York or L.A., it's kind of like one year here. I feel. What do I know? Everything. Anyway.

But it's just, you know, time's evolving and being a Texas comedian is a little bit different than everywhere else. So are you based out of here now? I just moved here on Tuesday. Well, congratulations. Thank you, sir. Absolutely. What's your living situation like? I currently live on an exotic animal ranch.

Oh, yes. I'm glad I asked what your living situation is. Tell us more about this exotic animal ranch that you're living on. Currently, it's not cool because it's this fucking cunt of a camel that won't get from behind my fucking car anytime I want to leave. Oh, my God. It's cool. My sister owns an exotic animal ranch. Wow.

That's amazing. And so I got to move down here and live on her property for free for a little bit. Shout out to her. You have to help out with the normal stuff around the ranch. He wants to know if you have to pick up shit. This is Red Band as a one track mind. Do you see any calluses on these hands at all? Yeah, no. They don't trust me. I don't feel like with that type of shit. See, you didn't even notice that there's no calluses on his hands.

The little things. Soft hands, man. But the camel's a cunt. Why do you call everybody a cunt? You use cunt a lot. Good word, I guess. I don't know. Your parents still together? No. Right. No. But your dad's still alive? He is, yes, sir. You communicate with him? I do, yeah. What does he refer to your mother as sometimes? It's just a psychology moment of the show where I like to see if... Is there any words that he sometimes calls her and which might...

Before or after the divorce? Let's go with after. After. Nothing that like points out to me. He's happily remarried, so he doesn't really bring her up too often. How about before? During the divorce, there were some choice words definitely that I think cunt may have been one of them for sure. And you heard that at what age?

They divorced when I was 15. So very, very, very into your, that's a very Conti age, but yeah, it is. Fuck. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. It really is. Uh,

What do you do for work? I am jobless at the moment. Did you save some money in Dallas? I did, yes sir, yeah. I did. I put money in my savings. You're jobless, but how do you plan on surviving? I mean, I'm currently living for free on my sister's property, like I said, and then I don't know, just kind of see how the world takes me for a little bit, and then

What kind of animals are on this exotic animal ranch? I might be interested in attending. I love cunty camels. I already got one foot in the door. And you have camel toe. I do. I do have the toe of a camel between my legs. That's a buff cunt. Right in the middle of that fucking... It's a real raging Cajun down there. Look at how it's going to... Is that a burp in my pants? I don't think so.

Oh, shard head. Eat me up. Oh, shit. Okay. What kind of animals are there? So the camel that I'm talking about is brand new. So we have two camels. They have two camels. I shouldn't say we. They have two camels. They have lemurs, zebra, kangaroos, like African tortoises that are like fucking huge. Wait, wait, wait. So are the African tortoises faster than the...

Have you ever noticed your wallet is missing and then you go to the tortoise area? They have huge dicks. They do fuck often. Do they really? They do, yeah. They make really weird noises when they fuck. You heard the noises turtles make when they fuck. And it's louder. Sounds like a good subject for another podcast.

That's amazing. I mean, maybe Red Band has a point. Is there noises that African tortoises make when they're having... Hey, baby, get your ass over here. Hey, back that slow ass up for a second here, baby. That's it. Hey, I think I love you. Oh, man, I came inside of you. All right, see you later now. All right. No one wants to hear tortoise noises.

No, stop, Red Band. Red Band, stop playing tortoise sex noises. It's so bad. All right. Can you do an impression of the noises that they make? I can sure as hell try. Yeah. Yeah. It's more like a... Wow. Wow. Very, very good.

Amazing. Funny enough, that is actually what my mom, my dad used to call my mom was, oh! So, there you go. Right, right. Full circle. Amazing. Absolutely. Red Band's still looking for tortoise. It's really the face they make is what's incredible. It's kind of like a, oh. Oh, that's crazy. That is crazy. Those are the white tortoises, though. Those aren't the...

Hell yeah. Okay, so what else? African tortoises, lemurs, zebras. Zebra, the famous both black and white animal. What are they up to? Just one zebra? One zebra, it fucked the donkey. The zebra fucked a donkey? That's how a red band's made. Hold on a second. Okay.

Hold on a second. So now they have an animal called a Zedonk. Are you serious? Look up a Zedonk. That's unbelievable. Well, now I'm hard. This is absolutely incredible. A Zedonk. What does it look like? Does it look more like a donkey or a zebra? It's like a donkey and then it has like one black stripe that kind of goes...

Down its side. Huge cucks. Look at that. They are adorable. It's like he has long stockings on his legs. Yeah, he's like a zebra all the way up to the chest and then it looks like a fucking donkey. Look at that. Absolutely incredible.

Old zebra pants. All right. What's the most interesting thing about your life? Before I let you go, JT. Shit, I think the exotic animal ranch kind of takes the cake right now. Yeah, that one. Yeah. Try and comedy in Austin, Texas. JT, feel free to come back again. Sign up again. Thank you, sir. We'll see you soon. JT Abbott, ladies and gentlemen, leaving with a big joke book. Yep.

I'm Michael Che. And I'm Colin Jost. And we've got a little secret. Actually, it's a pretty big secret. Well, now you gotta give the people something. No, I'm not saying a word. Oh, then people won't know to tune in. Come on, tell them a little bit. Like how we're hosting a comedy event streaming only on Peacock? Exactly. Or how it's called New York After Dark and it's a comedy show that only features drop-in comics? Boom! You nailin' it, dude. And how Michael Che's phone never... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey! New York After Dark. It's some kind of comedy thing. And it's streaming now. Only on Peacock. You love it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen...

We got a little African tortoise of our own around here. He's one of the top Yacht Rising comedians in the world, fresh off of always sold-out shows around the world. Very, very, very hard position he's in, writing and performing a new minute every week. Here's a brand-new minute from the great Cam Patterson, everybody. ♪

So when I go to new places, I like to go on guided tours to find out where I'm at. But I have a rule about guided tours. If I go on a guided tour, I respect the tour as much as the tour guide respects the tour. Like when I was in Green Bay, the tour guide respected the tour with utmost respect. He loved the Green Bay Packers. I felt like I was on the team when I was in Green Bay. These are my people. I love them. I was like, I fuck with you, hell yeah. We're on the same boat. Let's ride.

I respected the tour with my utmost respect. I went to Louisville this weekend, and I went to Louisville Sluggers Museum and factory, and the tour guide was like, "Nigga, these the bats." "You see 'em? These the bats. Do what you want."

I gave two fucks about that whole tour at all, right? So at one point during the tour, they had like these bats you could touch and I seen some colorful bats in the distance. So I said, "Mm." I went up to the colorful bats and I started swinging the bats, doing crazy with the bats and shit like that, knocking dust off my shoe. And then at one point the tour caught up with me, right? And they were like, "Hey, now these bats over here are the untouchable bats that we sell to MLB players."

And I was like, "Oh shit." Somebody tell Aaron Judge I'm sorry, right? And I was fucking that bad up. Now the funniest part about the tour was on the tour was a bunch of high schoolers and shit that loved baseball because they wanted to go to MLB when they grow up and get older. And I believe in dreams. I'm a dream chaser myself. I told them, I said, "Oh, you niggas right here. Oh, y'all. Oh, nine of y'all. I hope most of y'all make it to MLB." Then I walked away. Then I remembered, wait a minute, any of you niggas Dominican?

And they was like, no. I was like, well, y'all are fucked, brother. Y'all not going to make it. I'm sorry. Y'all not going to do it, gang. Y'all going to be accountants or something like that. That's it. Amazing. One minute and 49 seconds. Oh, shit. Of new material from Cam Patterson. We got to shake it up. We figured it out. Absolutely. That was fun. Absolutely. You did it again. Went to the Louisville Schlugger factory. Yeah.

A little bit of slugga. I love it. That's a good trademark. Making S's, S-H's. Type of the city. Sluts, slugga, all that shit. You know what I'm saying? Eat some spaghetti. Spaghetti. Oh, you call that spaghetti? Spaghetti. You don't call it spaghetti? Spaghetti. Oh, you're kind of saying spaghetti. Spaghetti. Yeah, I hear it now. Spaghetti.

Spaghetti, white lady. Oh, you got a nice dress on. Hell yeah. Yeah, they get it, absolutely. Yeah, spaghetti. Yeah. Hell yeah. Absolutely. So Louisville, that's where you were? Yeah, pretty cool. It was decent. Yeah. I ain't had no real bad time. The city looked terrible, but other than that.

It was fun. You know what I'm saying? The city looked horrible. Yeah. The city looked horrible. They had a basketball arena there for the Louisville, for the college. Yeah, the basketball arena. You know the name of the basketball arena? No. It's KFC Yum Center. No way. I swear to God. Did you eat it? No. That's true. I swear to God. You saw that. Look it up right now. The name of the basketball center is KFC Yum Center. That's where they put all the niggas and the basketball team.

At the KFC Yum Center. That's it fucking crazy. Well, we're gonna name the basketball stadium. Let's name the Kool-Aid and watermelon arena Fucking stupid dog. It is really the KFC Yum Center and it's yum with an exclamation point. Yeah Sir, you keep pumping your fist about this. What what's the reason behind you loving the K? Are you from there?

Used to deliver beer to the KFC Yum Center. Any niggas home? Any niggas at the KFC Yum Center? Where are the niggas at the KFC Yum Center? Hey, leave it on the doorstep. It's the KFC Yum Center. What are you talking about? They passed on Newport grape soda. Oh my God.

What a crazy name of an arena. Did you experience any racism there? Nah, it seemed like a pretty regular place. It seemed... I mean, obviously, it's Kentucky. That was racism, but that wasn't racist to me. Right. Not to my face. They probably were saying that when I got off stage. Like, that nigga pretty funny. You know what I'm saying? But not...

Not to me. You know what I'm saying? Amazing. Amazing. Dad was there? Yeah, dad came. My mama came too. Oh, nice. My mama came. It was a great time. It was fun for the whole family. They hated each other the whole time, so it was beautiful. I love it. It was a good little... What's your name? Your mom and dad are together. They hate it. My mama hates it. She hates it with her whole heart. Yep. She hate that nigga. Yeah. My dad was stalking my mom the whole trip.

Swear to God. We went out. We went to go get breakfast early in the morning, and we didn't tell my dad. And we leave in the hotel. He was, where y'all going? And he was in the lobby for no reason. Oh, y'all trying to leave without me? I want to come eat breakfast too. He was just there. He wanted breakfast. No, he didn't. He wanted to stop my mama. That's what it is. He still trying to get some from her? Nah, I don't think so. Who knows? I think so.

Are your mom and dad banging anybody? Do you know? I hope not. My dad married. I hope my mama don't fuck nobody forever. Have you ever asked her if she does anything with anybody? I will never ever ask that crazy question. I will tell you, that's fucking insane. Mama, who you fucking right now, mama?

It's not about who, but are you fucking anybody is a good question. I'm scared, man. I'll tell you this. My mama did a real good job of me growing up. She never brought nobody around me. Like no other guys and stuff. But it was one guy she always brought around. And then when I got older, I realized there was two different guys. They just looked the same.

Yeah, that's how we all feel about you people. That happens to us all the time. Can I tell you something, Tony? He was white. Damn, you are the fucking man. Another unbelievable set. Another unbelievable interview. I was so close to asking you to pull out your phone and ask your mom if she's fucking anybody, but...

I'm going to let you off the hook. We'll save that for another day. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Jordan Brady. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jordan Brady. Here he is. Are there any bisexuals in the house? Yeah, you guys are always like, ladies and gentlemen.

Very selfish. Sex is very complicated, you know? What's that? A Catholic church joke? Okay. Yeah, I was... Quick question, man. You think Quasimodo's safe word is sanctuary? I have a hunch that it might be. My ex-girlfriend's safe word was Quasimodo. At least I think it was. I don't know. Rings a bell. My buddy's growing a big pineapple in his backyard.

uh and he was showing it to me you know without prompt he was like hey man did you hear apparently uh pineapple pineapple makes your cum taste good i was like oh yeah or is that just big pineapple in cahoots with big cum i said of course i know all about that man he goes for real girls tell you that i said what girls all right that's my time guys thank you very much all right jordan brady

So I'll tell you, man, I've been paying a lot of attention to everything tonight. This is a tough job I have. A lot of people, you know, they don't know the thankless job that I have here. But I have to pay attention to many things at once. Sometimes it's hard because you're getting the next people ready and this and that. There's so many different variables going on all at once. But I will tell you, one of the things that I noticed is that both Gary Falcon and Blue William Montgomery laughed throughout your entire set.

Thank you, guys. Yeah. The bad news is that, without a doubt, they were laughing at how unbelievably stupid all of your jokes were. Shockingly dumb jokes. Yeah. I wrote them that way. It's fine. Yeah. No, it's your brand, it seems. I thought it was great. He also looks like a door guy at the Holocaust. Thank you.

It is incredible. William, you have something? Yeah, I thought you were great. I loved just the very beginning. What was it? It was something about bisexuals, and then you said ladies and gentlemen. I think that really immediately got me because I was thinking to myself, what is that? What does that mean? But in the best of ways. Yeah, because you're bold. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Mark. There were so many places you could have gone with that thing.

It was incredible. When you said gentlemen, we were all like, what the fuck? You could have said ladies and anybody. You could have said anybody and anybody. You could have done anything and said you just said what everybody says. Bisexual, yeah. My favorite thing is that you look like the bad guy from every 80s movie. Yeah. Like you're going to take over the ski resort.

And people are getting fucking fired. It's my summer, man. It's my summer. It is incredible. You look like you've had some ups and definitely downs. Definitely. So near. Are you stricken with anything at all? Is this just normal? Sure. Has God hit you with any? Have doctors diagnosed anything? Just a very tired stoner. Okay. Why are you so tired? What do you do on an average day? Uh,

I'm a... Well, I'm a dad. I have two kids. Oh, you do? Yeah. My God, that is crazy. I know. I feel bad for him. Sorry, guys. Wow, that is incredible. Yeah. So there's more of you? Yeah, unfortunately. Slightly better versions. Yeah. Yeah. So there's... Blessing. It's crazy to think that there's two Zedonkeys out there running around somewhere. Little Zedonkey impression. We're getting...

A little Zedonkey in here. Okay. Jordan, what do you do for a living? How do you raise these two kids? I'm a full-time musician. Oh, really? Yeah. I've been on the show before, actually. I played a drum solo. You played drums? I did. You were a good drummer? I was pretty good, yeah. John D. says you lost. I mean, I know he lost, obviously. He's here, and I barely know him at all.

where he would have been the full-time drummer if he won. Did you come close, do you think, Jordan? I think I came pretty close. I don't know. Do you really think you came close? I think I came pretty close. Have you been thinking about it ever since then? I try not to. I stay pretty busy. It wasn't my best solo of my life, but yeah. Have you been practicing for a better solo? I just practice all the time, every day, all the time. Wow, that's incredible. Michael practices all the time, every day.

I don't know. What do you guys think? Should we have a Mexican drum off in here?

Michael, you've been called out for a rematch. How do you feel about this? You good? Let's go, he says. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a Mexican drama. I'm sorry, Michael. This is the first time we've ever had a rematch, ladies and gentlemen. So this is interesting. I guess the rules kind of stay the same, I guess. It doesn't really seem fair for a rematch if Michael won the first one. Keep it going for Handsome Frankenstein.

He is handsome Frankenstein, without a doubt. Look at that. A face only not even a mother could love. It's incredible. So since this is a rematch and not the real one, I guess there should be a special stipulation. I've had a little time to think about it. So maybe if you win, you get to be the drummer one other time at some point.

That would be great for you. Not for us, probably. But then again, we could make fun of your wacky face the whole time. I mean, it is incredible. There's so much we haven't touched. It's amazing. Your eyes are close together. Johnny Carson eyes. Yeah. Robert Downey syndrome. All right. You guys know how it works.

drum solo and then Michael does a drum solo the audience votes ladies and gentlemen our first ever rematch of a Mexican drama this is Jordan Brady ladies and gentlemen a one two three four oh my god oh my god

Yes, you've thought about it since then. You've thought about it every minute of every day. You've neglected your two children in lieu of practicing for the chance that this opportunity might arise yet again. And you hear those horns. That means trouble has arrived. The reigning, defending, all-time undefeated defender of his throne.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Michael Gonzales! Wow! Jesus Christ Almighty! The devil has arrived! El Diablo!

La Consuela Muchacho. - This drum circle turned into a cum circle. Good God, that was amazing. - This is Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrrr-Rrr

Another undisputed victory that will haunt this man. But both phenomenal. Both phenomenal. Absolutely. You can't fucking do that, you fucking bitch. No, I never. Don't come after me right now. You've been nice all fucking night, dumbass. Shut the fuck up. You've been nice all fucking night. I didn't want to fucking dress like this, dumbass. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. You've been nice all fucking night, dumbass. Shut up.

Suck off. The winner of the Mexican drum-off, Michael Gonzalez. The winner, Jordan. Put that mic stand back up there. Tell us, is there anything that you thought about since the last time you were on this show that you could have talked about in the interview portion that you didn't, that hasn't come up yet tonight? Something random. A guy died in my yard when I was eight, outside my window. Oh my goodness gracious. Wow. I just died!

If you hear that sound, that means the Falcon has arrived.

So, Jordan, how did he die? How did he die in your yard tonight? He got really mad. His daughter got engaged to her boyfriend that he hated, so he took a bunch of drugs and got a big knife and started walking around the neighborhood. Was the guy that the daughter...

Oh my goodness gracious. Oh my goodness. Was he a certain type of person? You know what? I'm going to be honest, Tony. After all these years, never thought about it, but very likely, yeah. It was East Houston after all. Wow. When you saw that, when you saw that, when you saw that happen in your yard, is that what made your eyes permanently sad?

That's right. I never got over it. Did you get a joke book last time you were on? I did. I got a big joke book last time. Well, perfect. Everything is right on pace. Sign up again. There he goes, Jordan Brady. Thank you guys so much. Appreciate it. It's a fun episode tonight. We're having fun. You guys having as much fun as I am? God damn it. I guess we're still number one. I mean, it seems like nothing can stop our undying trajectory.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian out of the bucket. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Owen Gallivan. Here he comes, Owen Gallivan. Hey, everybody. Guys, here's something pretty crazy to think about. At one point, only white people said the N-word. Really did a 180 on that one, you guys. The old switcheroo, as I like to call it.

Do you guys think it was like a slow transition? Or like a hard, fast stop and a switch? I like to think it was Abraham Lincoln's decision. That's what I like to think. You know, he like signs the Emancipation Proclamation, walks into a room full of his boys. He's like, guys, I got good news and I got bad news. He's like, good news is we did it. We abolished slavery. Bad news, we can't say the N-word anymore. Kind of had to use that one as like a peace offering, you know?

And all his boys were pissed at him. They're like, dude, why the fuck would you make that deal? That's like our favorite fucking word. And he was like, guys, relax. What are they going to do? Make it cool? Thank you. A perfect set.

A perfect set. Pushed it to a minute, 11 seconds. That's right before the bear comes knocking. Absolutely incredible. Oh, and now that you're up here, the name wasn't familiar, but your face is. You've been on this show before. Yeah, two times. Absolutely. I remember. I remember a guy that looks like Tim Allen's grandfather. Yep. It is incredible. You have a grown-ass man's face. Yep. With a boy's body. Yep. Yep.

You look like the only guy to win to catch a predator. Gary Falcon! Gary Falcon! The crowd goes absolutely wild as Gary thrives again. It is amazing. So how do you explain your face?

Did you perhaps work in the oil industry for a very long time? Just alcoholism, I think, is the number one explanation for it. You look like Magnum G-A-Y. It is. You do. You look like Daniel Gay-Lewis. Yeah, last time you said Daniel Day Dinklage, because I'm short, but I appreciate that.

You keep saying Daniel Day-Lewis to me. I said that? I called you Daniel Day-Dinklage. It was very funny. That's so funny. I love it when people remind me of the unbelievably hilarious stuff that I've said. Yeah, it was good.

It is absolutely incredible. What's your ethnicity? Are you Daniel Day Jewish? Irish. My mom is from Ireland. I'm like actually Irish. Wow. I had to spell my own name wrong on the list when I signed up. That's how Irish I am. It's spelled E-O-G-H-A-N, but it's pronounced Owen. Oh, my goodness. It's Gaelic, yeah. Wow. Emphasis on the gay. I feel like he's going to say that. I might as well just... You were great at the end of Philadelphia. Yeah.

I'm accused of being a gay lick all the time. Absolutely incredible. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer by day. Okay. How about you have any kids? No. You don't have a bastard in a basket? A bastard in a basket? No kids. You're a bastard in a basket. Eat me out! Mute! Mute!

I don't know.

I love it. What kind of engineer are you? Mechanical by degree, but I work as an industrial engineer right now, which is just like process improvement on a manufacturing floor. It's pretty boring. Easy stuff for a guy like you, it seems. Yeah, you know, no big deal or anything. What do you keep in that front pocket? Is that a pile of air? That is incredible that it descends. It was a Zin. And then they made me ditch it before I got here. They made you throw your Zins away? I mean, no, but I can't bring anything in my pockets. You know that. You run the show.

You guys really make them empty their pockets entirely. I think that's a great idea. That's brilliant. Absolutely. Pocket like a thot. Pocket like a thot. I love this idea. I love that we make people empty their fucking pockets. Fuck them. Anything could be used as a weapon. And you know what? Good stuff. Yeah.

What else did you have in your pockets that you're missing dearly right now? Phone, wallet, notebook, pen. Very good. Normal stuff. Absolutely. Okay. Do you have any special skills or talents? I can do cricket noise pretty good. Get the fuck out of here. How many of you want to hear him make a cricket noise? Let's fucking go. This is Kill Tony. If I fuck this up, I'm going to feel like such a dumbass, but...

Wow. That is... Not bad. That was pretty great. Absolutely incredible. Even Red Band is agreeing, and no one hears crickets more than him. He is our senior cricket correspondent. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I call him Daniel Day Cricket. You always do call me that. Tony, how many dickets do you hear? Fucking gypsy. I hear them coming out of my ass every night and coming into my ass. All right.

Okay, enough with the crickets. That's an amazing talent. How did you come up with that? I honestly don't know. I just feel like I've been able to do it for as long as I can remember. Really? Like, I just one day did it in, like, middle school, I think. I honestly don't know. You grew up in the woods? Yes, I did, yeah. In the middle of the woods in Massachusetts. I grew up there. Ah, the old Massachusetts. Hey, fucking crickets guy. What's going on? Keep it down, you fucking cunt. Ha, ha, ha.

Absolutely amazing. Any other special skills or talents? We start with the cricket? - Nothing else, I don't think. - Okay, all right. What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that would never stop eating ass. If given the opportunity, it seems like they would have to stop you.

Rather than you move on to the next level of the video game. You know, it's not great. I mean, all I do is work and then do comedy, so I don't have a lot of time. I recently went on like two dates with a girl that was cool. Ava, if you're watching, I'm sad that you don't want to go on a third date. Oh my God. That is incredible. How long ago was the last date? Like a month, maybe. It's been a month? Something like that. You have her number? Yeah.

You want to give her a call right now? No, no, no. Listen to this. Oh, Heidi. Heidi. Heidi. She's not going to answer this. And if she does, we'll see. I think you might be surprised. Here, have me call her. You hit send. Put it on speaker. Give me the phone. Stop. Silence. She's not even going to remember me. It's going to be embarrassing. Voicemail.

Hello. Hi, Ava. I know this is gonna sound crazy. This is Tony Hinchcliffe, the host of the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. And you're not gonna believe it. Shut up, guys. So you're here on a show. No big deal. I know it sounds crazy, but it's not. Everything's okay.

Nothing I say is allowed to be sued or Joe Rogan Enterprises or any of the production companies associated with the show. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm here with Owen. Do you remember Owen, Ava? Yeah, I do. And let me just tell you, so do you know this show at all? Do you know anything about Kill Tony? It's okay if you don't.

No, I don't. It's okay. That's fine. So he's in an interview portion of the show where I find out a little bit more about him. And I was asking him about his love life. And he said that he's just been on a couple dates with a girl that he really likes. But that it seems like she doesn't want to go on a date with him again. But let me tell you something. This guy just killed on stage. It's a sold-out show. Millions... Guys...

Fuck off! Jesus Christ, everybody. As you can hear, it is a crazy sold-out show, Ava. And so, you know, there's millions of people that are gonna see this. Your anonymity is completely protected. We just know you by your first name. Everything is fine. My question is...

Just for the sake of goodness gracious morality and the future of the universe, is there a chance I can convince you to go on at least one more date with good old Owen Gallivan here? Um, wow, okay. Um, sure. Ava, you're an absolute legend. And...

And I'm going to donate $200 to this event so that you guys can have a good time. Even though, actually, he's an engineer. I'm not going to donate anything.

You know what, Owen, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Maybe you could take her on a date there. - Thank you so much. - Thank you, Ava. You're a legend. And you get, you and the guest get to, you and the guy that you actually want to hang out with get to come to Kill Tony for one show. I'm gonna put you on my guest list in the future. Thank you, Ava. Are we good? Awesome, Ava. Go Google Kill Tony. You're gonna love it. Have a great night. Thank you. There you go. You didn't think it was possible.

Just takes a little pizzazz. That went way better than I thought it would. Yeah. Someone's going on a Daniel date, Lewis.

Congratulations. Look at him. He's blushing. I am. Totally changed. That made me way more nervous than the joke. I bet. You had a great set, great interview. You already have a big joke book? I don't, no. You only have small joke books? I got one small one. Well, guess what, my friend? It only keeps getting better. There he goes. Owen Gallivan, everybody.

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Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very, very, very special treat for you. So keep that energy up as I bring to you one of the great golden ticket winners of our history. You know him from Kill Tony. You know him from America's Got Talent. He quit his day job today. He just got stem cell injections for the first time in his life a couple weeks ago. This is the return of

aaron belial all right guys all right one more time for aaron belial i see what's going on hey guys i'm dressed as justin trudeau last time on kill tony i was offered stem cells from a company called ways too well as you can see it's going great i used to look like the scrawny little pretzel boy now i'm perfect and i can dunk

I'm looking forward to jerking off with my left hand for a change. I've wanted to be able to say something for a long time, and now I can. No, I'm not the father. My niggas, being black and disabled, are oddly similar. Really just lost one disability and gained another. I used to be an inspiration. Now I only inspire the police. People used to yell at me asking to pet my dog. Now they yell, what up, dog?

Wow. An amazing... I still run slow as fuck. Fooled ya. I still run slow as fuck. Fuck yeah. Aaron, is that the end of your set? Yeah. Okay. All right, Aaron Belisle. That was hilarious. That was great. Yeah, the stem cells take up to 60 days to start taking an effect of any kind. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh, shit. Yep. Uh-oh. Mm-hmm. Tony thinks stem cell injections is when a guy... I haven't actually gotten them quite yet. I had to reschedule. Oh, well, look at you. Rescheduling on God's work. Amazing. Tony thinks stem cell injections is when a guy comes in his ass. There it is. There it is. There it is. Redban is the only guy I know who thinks I can't believe it's not butter is stem cells.

Jesus Christ, this fucking guy's roasting us. Can you believe that? All we do is help him. All we've ever done has been nice. We give you every opportunity, put you up in arenas and shit, and then here you come. I guess my ass is filled with cum. Okay, he just nods along to that. Very good. Amazing. Oh, you're laughing? Oh, you have ability to use your voice box to laugh all of a sudden? He's faking it. I call it like I see it.

All right, well. Amazing. I love it. What else is going on, Aaron Belisle? I was sitting at my desk with my regular paychecks and free healthcare thinking, how can I make my life worse? The closest thing I have, I was sitting at my desk with my regular paychecks. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's right. You make fun of me, I fuck with your Bluetooth. I quit my job this morning. I have that kind of power here.

Are you getting a phone call right now? What is happening? Oh, I don't think I warned Gary. This is Aaron Belisle. He has cerebral palsy that affected his voice box, so he can't speak. This is Gary Falcon. Are you Stephen Calking? Yep, I said it. I'm good. How are you? I'm good. I love you. Uh-oh. Oh, here it comes. I like you too.

Thank you. This is absolutely adorable. You know what? I'm going to give you guys $200 to go on a date. See, I'm nice. Look at Tony over there. Yeah, he looks like the center square on the AIDS quilt. Aaron, what else is going on? Texas is a hard lifestyle. I can't shoot a gun.

I can't paddleboard. All this fucking brisket is making my ass bleed. What the fuck do you fucking people have against fucking broccoli? What the fuck do you fucking people have against fucking broccoli? What is going on tonight with you? You got a wild thumb over there. And why is it so goddamn hot? It's 110 degrees and I can barely walk. Without everything below the waist glued together. That's true.

That's true. I think pants ought to be illegal instead of fucking abortions. That's absolutely true. I agree with everything that you're saying. I know you're giving yourself one thumb down, but I'm giving it two thumbs up. I was walking up 6th Street the other day and my laces came undone and I can't tie. So I asked a security guard to help me with it. And he said, his words not mine. Sorry, I'm not a faggot.

Wow. I would have tied it for you and then sucked your fucking cock. Okay, shut up. We're friends. I wouldn't suck his cock. I'd fuck him in the ass. All right. What else, Aaron? Yes, you would.

Yes, you would. You don't get to decide when it sounds like a question, do you? Oh, that's you. Oh, very good. That's you. Red band.

The Olympics is to normal people like normal people are to disabled people. You are impressed to see people pole vaulting. I'm impressed to see the fat people at Walmart reach the top shelf. It is with the Walmart Olympics. Aaron, we love you. Anything else? Oh, shit. All right.

It's going to hit all the buttons at once. This is like when they do a fireworks thing and they accidentally light all the fireworks. You know what I mean? What the fuck do you have against fucking broccoli? What the fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck do you have against broccoli? What the fuck do you have against broccoli? Happy birthday!

Anything else? Not my best line. Okay. I just announced a huge tour for the rest of 2024. I'm doing some dates with Martin Phillips and Heath Cordes too. Check it out. MuteComedian.com. I love it. MuteComedian.com.

Aaron Belisle, Martin Phillips, and Heath Cordes joining forces, which is incredible. Because together, they're at one... Hey, Tony, I've got to go to the bathroom. I've got to leave. Yeah. Is that okay? Yeah, go to the bathroom. Come back. Yeah, and then you're going to come back. I have to go adult potty. Yeah, go potty. Adult potty. Yeah. I have to make it number two. Yeah, it's okay. Might be three. It might be. Might be a three. Wait, what's the number three?

Splattergories? Spidergories? Splattergories, maybe, yeah. I have to go adult potty. Okay. Alright. You want us to... Pray for me? Yeah. Yeah. Pray for me and my potty. This is how we pot!

I have to take, like, what, three stairwells? Yeah. We're going to have someone take you directly to the VIP restroom. Erectly? Yeah. Erectly. Erectly. Yes. We're going to have someone take you right there. Okay, praise time. Gary Falcon. Gary Falcon. Gary Falcon. Gary Falcon. We love Gary Falcon.

♪ Gary Falcon, we love Gary Falcon ♪ ♪ Gary Falcon, we love Gary Falcon ♪ ♪ Gary Falcon, we love Gary Falcon ♪ ♪ Falcon, we love Gary Falcon ♪ - You guys are running out of energy over here. I thought I wrote a good song there. I guess not. You guys still with us?

All right, we're gonna keep it moving along here while Gary goes pot pots. And ladies and gentlemen, I pulled the name out of the bucket. Here we go. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Chin Wei. Chin Wei. My goodness, Chin Wei. What up, y'all? I got some jokes. My ex called me up the other day, tells me you were the worst sex I've ever had in my life. Because of you, I am now into women. Hangs up.

Now that hurts because honestly I thought that he wasn't half bad. Do y'all remember the beginning of COVID? A lot of people they didn't believe it. They were skeptical. Not me. I had it right off the bat. You know when I was a child I used to love monkey bars. Well that's what my grandfather would call rap music. You know, you know I don't think I could ever date a girl that's tried to kill herself before. She sounds like she's got commitment issues. I'm guessing that's the minute, eh?

Very good. Chin Wei. Very good. I like it. Chin, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Since March, November of 2021. November of 2021? But I've been kind of slacking for the year and a half of it. How come you've been slacking? I don't know. I don't know what happened. I kind of got bored of the Bay. I'm from the Bay Area. I didn't really like the scene. And kind of, you know, I don't know. Saved up a little bit, came here.

and now I'm finally getting the wheels rolling, you know? - Okay, absolutely.

Okay. So you live in the Bay Area still? No, no. I'm here now. I moved here in March. You moved here in March. Very good. How do you like Austin, Texas? I'm loving it. I'm hearing way more country than hip-hop. Life's all right. I love it. People are more cordial. It's good. What do you do for a living? I'm a server. I let out a breakfast joint. Okay. How old are you? I'm 26. 26. Very good. And...

Okay. Did you go to college? I did. I spent five years in Boulder. Yeah, I did a lot of asset, kind of developed my personality there. Yeah. And that was before weed was legal in California, so I went there. Wait, what? That was before weed was legal in California, so... Oh. I caught the wave. Hell yeah. Just a through and through piece of shit. I don't know. No, no, no. You're good. You look like you're smoking good stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, his weed's so good, by the way. He's not even Asian, people. You have no idea. This is all natural. Colorado weed will do that to you. Okay.

So you said that you sing. Sorry? Did you say that you sing? No, no, I wish. Oh, I heard. That's his last name. The coolest thing in the world. Right, I agree. Do you have any special skills or talents? I play a lot of poker. I'm real proud of that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm just a real gambler. Yeah. That kind of deal. How's that working out for you? We run like not too well. Not too well.

I don't know if I can hold them in Texas, you know? I don't know. Yeah. It's tough. Is that what you do? Poker's your game? Yeah, poker. It's only fair because, you know, when you sit at the slots, they never bring you drinks. But if you sit at the poker table, you know, they're always there. You like drinking, too. There you go. What's your drink of choice? I'm kind of trashy. I like rum and Coke. Oh, yeah. Just, you know. Captain Morgan? Yeah, Sailor Jerry's, actually. Sailor Jerry. Sailor Jerry. Whoa. Yeah, yeah.

Wow, look at you. Facing back to college. Look at you. And you smoke weed every day? Yeah. That's okay. It's okay. I'm not your dad. You can tell me. It's okay. Do your parents know? We had an Asian comedian up earlier whose parents were supportive of his art. I think supportive is a strong word.

I think throwing the towel was the right way to put it. I don't know about that one. Incredible. Incredible. What else do you do for fun, Chen? I like golf. I like fishing. You really play golf? You have like your own clubs? Yeah, I got these like, I set up Ben Hogan from like 1980. It's pretty cool. Wow. How'd you get those? Found it at someone's garage sale. They were selling it for like 10 bucks a club. I was like, I'll take the whole iron set, you know? Wow. It's a good steal. Yeah.

You seem like a fun guy. I'm happy you think that, Tony. It's really cool. It's like, you happy? No, don't, Redman. See, you took a good moment and you made it all weird and racist. Don't, no, don't. Don't, no. Stop it, Redman. He's out of control. Don't mind him.

So, Chin, tell us something else interesting about your life. Do you talk to your parents often? Yeah, yeah, they're cool. I think they love me. Yeah. But...

All these fake Asians. But like nobody else. You know, I think that's kind of how I would describe it. You have siblings? I do. I have an older sister. What does she do? She's kind of like the pride and joy of the family. Engineer? Yeah, no. I think like bioengineer or something like that. 4.0. Yep. How old is she? You know, respectable. Just calm down here. Is she into dying, bloated, drowning victims? There you go. No, I just think of my uncle recently. It was...

I love it. Amazing. Wow. Chin. Incredible. How's your love life in Austin going? Oh, it's going, you know? No. We're looking around, you know? Yeah, looking around. We're going to get the ball rolling. Same deal with comedy, you know? I've been kind of slacking a little. Have you been on a date? Oh, no, I haven't. Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin, Texas? Oh, man, why you got to cut so deep right now, my dog? You haven't?

No. Is there a woman out there? You know, we have the best fans in the world here on Kill Tony. There is? Are you willing, lady? It's gotta be you agree to it. Wait a second. Hold on. Get up here. Wait, we know this young lady. Holy shit. A legend of the game.

Ladies and gentlemen, oh my god. It's about to go down. You ever had a fucking straight up cougar before? Tony the matchmaker. Dude, you're about to fucking get it, Chin. I don't think you know what the fuck's going on. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Chin goes hard in the paint on this kid. Chin and heart. Oh my God.

Oh my... Oh my god. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Can I keep you here with me? Can you stay on here with me? Oh my god. I'm literally watching him grow facial hair in real time. It's coming. It's coming. I'm working on it.

How old are you? I'm 26, baby. Old enough. She thought you were 17 for a second. I just shaved today. That's probably my fault. Now, you've done this before. Am I correct? You've been on this show. No, I've never done it before. Remind me your name. I'm sorry. I go through a lot of people. Not you, Chin. I'm talking to her. You're not an Asian anymore. Let the woman speak.

Put the mic in front of her face, Jen. My name's Lori. Lori? Lori. What? I'm the therapist, not the rapist. Right. You're a therapist. I'm a therapist. And you've been on before. I have. That's right. Look at you. Aren't you just so much fun? My goodness. Isn't it funny how looks may be deceiving? This is her second time kissing a young man on this show. You know, I worry about the last 25-year-old.

What about that? He could be doing better or worse. The last guy, he was only 25. He'd been here about six months. No kisses. Oh. Absolutely. Maybe he got a date or maybe he's gay too now. Anything can happen. You are a killer. Personally, I'm still gay. Yeah. And I...

You are. And I'm getting all the action. You look like you beat Lesbian the video game. It is incredible. The final boss. I mean, it's incredible. Absolutely amazing. I mean, Chin, would you be willing to wear a wig and eat her pussy tonight? As long as it's on camera. What?

Hell yeah, you guys eat bats. You'll definitely eat old pussy. I'll put anything on a plate, motherfucker. I love it. Absolutely incredible. Lori, you have the best fucking sense of humor. I don't know how in the world such a powerful lesbian gets our show so well and loves it so much, but I love that we have the kind of range to have the fucking head coach of a WNBA team here coming up, kissing boys.

Absolutely unbelievable that this is the second time that you've done this and none of the times you called for the manager afterwards.

It is absolutely amazing. Lori, how about you get a big joke bug? I can't believe you don't remember me. I mean, I was famous in San Angelo after this. You were what? Famous in San Angelo. In San Angelo. After Kill Tony. After Kill Tony, they found out about you. Do you get recognized on the street sometimes? A lot. Really? Really?

This show's crazy. I like always forget that like all of a sudden you can be like extremely, especially you. Cause I bet sometimes they think you're me. They're like, hey, I know you from Kill Tony. You're the host, right? Got some sun in. See, self-deprecation, ladies and gentlemen. You are so special. What do you do for work, Lori? Are you like really what I think you are? What do you think I am? Gym teacher?

Stop. Jesus. No. What do you do for work? I'm a physical therapist. Oh, that's right. Absolutely. And I play with horses. Oh, you do play with horses? And people trust me with their children. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Amazing. You're actually pretty hot for an old dyke, you know that? Yeah.

Here's a big joke book. That's for you. I love you. Lori, you're a fucking legend. How about a hand for Lori, ladies and gentlemen?

Hey Chen, I'd love to have you do the secret show. Five minutes on the secret show. You want to do the secret show on Thursday? You want to do the secret show? This guy's fucking all of his blood to his cock right now. He's like, I made it with a raspberry. I can't think right now. I made it with a raspberry. I have not had pussy, but I tasted it when I kissed Rory.

You're on The Secret Show on Thursday. You kissed a flaming bull dyke. Absolutely incredible night for you. Chin way, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Have a great night. Goddamn. How about one more fucking time for Lori, huh? Let me buy her a drink, by the way.

You know what, Lori? You and your crew are invited to Mitzi's afterwards. How about that? That's a cool thing. Hell yeah. All right. The band is amazing. So subtle. Your next bucket pool is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen. It is one of you representing you, this audience, on this night. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted for one of your very own. He goes by the name of Jason Elrod.

Oh, from right in the front. Here we go. Jason Elrod. He was on recently. Oh, I remember that. That was the guy who was funnier than his friend. Ladies and gentlemen, his second time ever on stage. This, or on this stage, this is Jason Elrod. So I like to hear about all the things that people do to get themselves off. Entertains me. Spitting, slapping, name-calling,

Autoerotic asphyxiation. But my favorite thing I've heard about is where guys like to sit on their hand until it falls asleep and then they jerk themselves off. Anybody know what that's called? Thank you. The stranger. Who said that? Actually, like eight guys said that. So here's what I like to do. I like to sit on my left hand about 10 minutes until it loses all the feeling in it.

and then I slap the shit out of my kids and it feels like another parent is doing it I call that the stepdad Thank you, that's my time!

All right. Another remix of the stranger joke that we've heard a couple times before on the show, but it's okay. Everybody's got to do it. So how many times have you done stand-up? Let's find out about your actual life. Let's ignore the set and just move on to a rock-solid interview here, Chase. How many times? I don't know. I've been doing it about 10 months-ish.

Who does he sound like? You sound like somebody. You said my voice was weird last time, too. Yeah, you sound like somebody. I'm just going to keep asking you questions while I figure out who you sound like. Since the last time you were on, is there anything in the interview portion that you realized that that would be interesting to bring up in the interview portion of the show?

by your entire life really you can reference anything at this point well you didn't ask me what the most interesting thing about me was and my pre-planned answer before was that i delivered my son via water birth at home wow the poor man's birth wow my goodness was it water or was it mountain dew

Seems incredible. We ran a hose from the shower to the bedroom to an inflatable tub. Oh my God.

And the thing is, it was February and the tub water got cold eventually. So I had to like pale buckets of water out the fucking window and then run new hot water in like every hour or so. This is the most white trash childbirth I've ever heard of in my entire life. Did you give the kid a white trash name, boy or girl? Hunter. All right. It's a hunter. So was it a boy or a girl?

I got you. Okay, so you had a boy. It's Hunter. Is that your only kid? No, I have a daughter as well. Okay. How old are these kids? Hunter's 16 and my daughter Ava is 11. Wow. And they're in school? You enrolled them in school or are they making bombs in the woods right now?

Me and Hunter's mom were super crunchy hippies. We tried to keep him off the grid. That lasted like two years, and then we got him all his shots and a social security number. So I was actually correct. Yeah. Sometimes you think I'm being funny up here. Turns out I'm a fucking psychic. Wow. So you guys were off the grid. When you say crunchy hippies, I've never heard that terminology before. Yeah.

What do you mean by that? Give us some examples of what were the most crunchy, hippie things about you. Let's start with longest you've gone without showering. Yeah, I'm about like three days right now. Right now? Yeah. Oh, fucking absolutely fucking disgusting. It's been a busy... I've been busy. I'm absolutely disgusting. I swear to God, I've had three showers today. Okay.

I wake up, I shower, I get in the cold plunge, I shower, I go swimming, I shower, I hit the sauna, I shower, I got a haircut today, guess what? Showered afterwards. I took a nap, got ready for work, showered.

And then there's you. There you go. Red Band shits himself. There you go. There's a little contribution from Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. A little footnote, if you will. A little co-author just adding a contribution. The William to my Shakespeare, if you will. Shit myself shower. Fart noise.

All right. So, okay. You've gone three days right now. Do you not like it? I've always wanted, let me just really talk to you for a second. Because I've always wondered, do people not like showers as much as I do? Is it something in my genetics? Because my mom always had this thing where she would always go, you know, the one thing that I never take for granted is a nice hot shower. It's the most lovely thing in the world. Maybe she instilled that in me. Maybe she raised me kind of, not OCD, because I just love it.

It's not like a thing I go, let me teach you, where it's like, oh, God, I feel so fucking good. You answer now. What the fuck is wrong with you? I want to know. Do you not find it unbelievably enjoyable? No, I fucking love it. I've just been busy as fuck the last... Well, it was a 16-hour drive to get here, bro. I've been literally sitting around papers and...

Every waking hour of every day that just say Madison Square Garden and have different comedians' names and things that I want to do with these shows. I mean, I'm busy, motherfucker. I'm busy like you could never fathom. We are fucking whatever, 12 days away from two nights back-to-back at Madison Square Garden. You're fucking telling me you're fucking busy doing what? Emptying an ashtray?

What are you busy doing? Tell me what the fuck is so busy about you. So, actually, I was setting up a podcast studio for... Actually, Layla Ingalls came over to my spot to do a podcast. Red Band, call me for a titty fuck. Who the fuck is that? Yeah, what are you talking about? So, I stayed up late setting up a podcast. And the next day, we had a roast show. And...

I actually got, I think I got perma banned from the bar for doing ketamine with some random guy. And then, uh, then today I drove 16 hours to get here. I just didn't have time. You drove 16 hours to be here today. I drove about 12 hours from Nashville where I did a pit stop at my sister's, but four hours from Cincinnati to Nashville. You didn't want to shower at your sister's.

It was late and I didn't want to inconvenience them. Don't you think it's more of an inconvenience to sleep somewhere all stinky? I thought of that, but I was like, fuck it, I'm tired. Doesn't it make you sleep better if you feel clean? Yes, but I had to make a decision. I'm like, I need at least four hours of fucking sleep before I do the... You don't think three hours and 50 minutes of sleep...

with clean balls would have been better than what you have going on. That fucking baked potato you got down there. No, it, I, yeah, dude. You know what? I didn't want to inconvenience the person I'm staying with here either. You know what? I've never done this before, but I think we should have Lori smell your balls right now. No, I'm kidding, Lori. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. Oh my God. We've found Lori's girlfriend over here. Look at this Targaryen dragon queen over here. Holy shit. Look at the silver locks on this one. Oh my God. Are you Lori's lady? Did I find it? No, but you eat pussy. Am I correct? Well then get up here and smell his balls. What are you talking about? Jesus. What's your fucking problem? All right.

So what makes you a crunchy hippie before I let you out of here? I mean, I used to follow fish and have dreadlocks and sell LSD to strangers. All right. That qualifies. You are indeed a crunchy hippie. Where are you sleeping tonight? What's your plan for now? I want you to find a shower.

It's not that you're a smelly guy. I can't smell anything. I'm sure there's even smellier people probably here. There's probably different ethnicities and whatnot that compared to a white guy with three days. I mean, some of these people out here. I don't know if you know. What do you think the smelliest race is, if you had to guess? Oh, white people. Okie dokie. All right. He actually started to answer there. I'm going to stop you there. All right.

All right. You were on before and you got a big joke book. Am I correct? Correct. Well, there you go. Use it. Try to dig deep, man. You got to find original stuff that applies to your life. I dragged so much interesting shit out of you in this interview. You need to be talking about that. You need to be talking about a crunchy hippie. You need to talk about how you need a shower, what you did today and all this crazy shit. You know what I mean? I'm working on the personal stuff.

You're green. You're trying to make people laugh. That's what you're trying to do. And what you need to do is, as corny as it sounds, and I can't believe I'm getting this serious on an episode this funny, but you've got to really come from within, within your perspective. Talk about giving a white trash water berth and dumping water out of a fucking, probably an apartment window, not a house, right? Yeah.

I had a bit about that, but it didn't get laughs, so I never tried it again. Real works. It doesn't need to get laughs at some fucking janky open mic in the outskirts of Tennessee. You need to fucking keep trying that stuff. Don't try this stuff that gets laughs in front of shitty audiences at a shitty bar somewhere.

I appreciate that. Stay loyal to yourself. Thank you. There goes Jason Elrod. A touching, deep, artistic moment for me. Oh, we do know Layla. Layla is that little smoke show that was on before. She refuses to leave Ohio. It's a very sad story. She'll be dead soon. She'll die slowly, yet fast in Ohio. No, I'm kidding.

Shout out Layla. Okay, one final bucket pool. Sound good? Where the fuck is Gary Falcon at? He really had to go potty, huh? All right, one final bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anthony Walton, everybody. Anthony Walton. Howdy! Oh boy, I used to get bullied a lot at home. Yeah, Mexicans are vicious, you know?

They like to pick your biggest insecurity and use it as your nickname. I was insecure about looking Asian, as most of you probably thought. They used to call me Chino, which just translates to Chinese. And they'd sing the song, Chino, Chino, Japones, Komakaka, Nomi Desu, which just means Chinese, Chinese, Japanese. Eat shit, but don't give me any. That was fun to hear as a child, you know?

You know, first all my cousins would call me Chino, then the kids, then all the teachers, which people thought it was my real name, which I guess makes more sense than Anthony. Fuck yeah. Anthony Walton. Amazing. So what ethnicity are you, Lord of the Chipmunks? White and Mexican. White and Mexican. Yes, but if I do this, I look pretty Asian. You do. Yeah.

Yeah, you do. Absolutely. What do you do for work? I do groundskeeping for apartments. Yep, you're Mexican. You kind of... Say what you do for work again. Groundskeeping? I just pick up maintenance for apartments, which is a pro tip for... Hank Hill that I'm hearing? What is that? I do groundskeeping for apartments.

Everybody's kind of sounding weird to me tonight. It's what happens with my dad being white. You know, he was like Hank Hill, RIP. Oh. Oh. Grounds keeping for apartments. Have you ever noticed somebody frantically throwing water out of a second floor apartment at any point? You're like, well, I guess I don't need to water that part of the lawn today. My goodness, I'm a real Mexican. Yeah.

Not in my property. Is Joe White here? The photographer? Is he here tonight? Bring Joe up here. I want Joe White. This is a special treat for you all. You're going to get to meet the...

You sound like a 150-year-old white guy. I'm going to introduce you to Joe White, ladies and gentlemen. Where is he at? I'm going to get him up here. You're not going to believe what he sounds like. Is Joe here? Is he coming? He's coming. Where's he coming from? He's having a... I was having a cigarette in the green room. I can't believe it. Tony said he wanted me to come on the show, and I don't know why. I don't know what this could possibly mean or be.

I don't think I sound like a young Mexican boy, but it turns out, goddammit, in this instance, I do. You guys sound alike. You're gonna love this. Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. We had to get him out of his coffin.

Truly, this guy, one of the oldest men on planet Earth, ladies and gentlemen. He's been our photographer ever since Vulcan Gas Company. Keep coming. I don't even know how to get on the damn stage. Shit. I've been shooting the pictures for so goddamn long. I've never even been on this stage before. This is all new to me. Do I have to empty my pockets too? I've been a goddamn photographer. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, shit. Say it into the microphone, Joe. Actually, I have done it on stage once. All right. I'm going to ask you guys a question. You're going to answer first, and then you're going to answer second. And we're going to see exactly how alike you guys sound. So... Oh, boy. All right.

So, all right. Here is the question. All right. Anthony, what do you get if you mix the color red and yellow? Red and yellow, you get some brown. Purple. No, you get orange. Okay. Okay. All right.

- Okay, next question. What is the first verse of the national anthem? Don't help him Joe, Joe don't talk to him. You have to sing the national anthem. What would be the words of the song? You don't have to sing it, just say it. - Oh country tis of thee. - All right, Joe White. ♪ Oh say can you see ♪ - This is incredible.

You're being out-triviated by a 1,000-year-old man right now. Not a lot of people know this, but the first pictures that Joe White took was actually at the Last Supper. All right, y'all. Now I need you to get on one side of the table for me. Freeze frame. All right. So let's do a little special spelling bee round, ladies and gentlemen.

This is the spelling bee portion of the dumbass Olympics. Live here on an episode of Kill Tony. Are you a good speller, Anthony? No, I'm pretty good. Joe, you're not a good speller? You're a good speller. Okay, here we go. The word is cinnamon. Anthony will go first with the word cinnamon and his old white guy voice. Here we go. C-I-N-M-M-O-N.

That is yet amazingly incorrect. You managed to miss the easiest letter in the entire word. Ladies and gentlemen, hold on, Joe, hold on. Ladies and gentlemen, spelling cinnamon, this is Joe White. C-I-N-M-A-M-O-N. Very good. He did it again. He did it again.

Make some noise for Joe White, ladies and gentlemen, a legend of the show. The man behind the pictures you see. Sometimes it's the great Troy Conrad as well, but Joe's been with us since the Vulcan days. He's here every single Monday. He is the head of photography here at the mothership, believe it or not. I know. It's crazy to think that there's a man that can...

not get an erect penis anymore. Taking the pictures here at the mothership. I'm kidding. Have you seen his Mexico photos? No, I'm kidding. He goes on vacations and somehow is surrounded by hot bitches all the time. We're not kidding. He don't smoke cigarettes. Give it up for this motherfucker. He does. He gets hard. You get hard, right, Joe? Yeah, he gets hard. He confirms. Yeah, I get hard. I get hard as a goddamn rock. I was there when the wheel was built.

Anthony, you've been on this show before? I've been on a road show like 2019 in Dallas. Okay. All right. Well, guess what, my friend? You're getting a little joke book. There you go. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Anthony Walton, everybody. Goodbye, Anthony. I didn't know whether you wanted me to leave or not. I didn't even know. Oh.

All right. Well, I don't know if you guys notice, but the Big Red Machine is here. So if he's here, then who will close the show? I present to you one of the greatest additions to the show in its history, a man that we are on a mission from God to make a goddamn American.

He is without a doubt the one and only Estonian assassin. This is Ari. Yo, yo, what's crackalackin'? I was walking home shitfaced the other day. I was walking home by Lady Bird Lake.

The next day I get back to the club, the other comedians are like, "Hey Ari, you don't do that." "Cause apparently there's a gay guy out there murdering gay guys." Now, I don't want to be homophobic, but ain't no gay guy gonna get me. You're not gonna catch me, brother. Dude, I have a fully heterosexual sprint, dude.

Aerodynamic trauma field might be closeted. You're not going to catch me with a... So fucking good. Not going to catch me with a skip.

Ari Mati, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely incredible. Fantastic fucking new minute. Absolutely amazing. It's such a stupid joke. No, it's great. It's great. How's it going, Ari? Going great, you know. It's plenty of opportunities here. The visa is looking better and better.

People are saying, yeah, the Estonian assassin. I don't think that's good for immigration to have a nickname. Tony, isn't that girl, the cougar, the one that he kissed last time she was... Wait. Was it Lori? No, I remember my angel. It wasn't her. Oh, okay. My angel with the mama lose. What are mama lose? Those are big old tits, Michael Gonzalez. Those are tits. Gonzalez knows what's up.

Hell yeah. Tits, ever heard of them, Tony? What are tits? What are those? Ew, gross. Ew, you mean those flesh bags? I'm not even into those.

All right. I have huge balls that you would love. Ooh. Tiny dick, huge balls. Huge balls. I love balls. Balls of ice cream. Balls of pasta. I love it, Ari. What else is going on in the world? I don't know. You know, just, you know, that's the hardest part about the interview that, you know, like Hans Kim is buying AR-15s and shit.

Cam is buying cars, you know, hanging out with chicks, dude. I'm just chilling and being happy. I love it. William, you've been closing the show for years. What do you think about the great Ari Matty here? I think Ari is a wonderful pleasure. It's been a wonderful pleasure for me to get to know him. And I got to start right. We got to start riding bicycles together. I've been a pussy, Tony. I got to start doing it with you. We got to start biking.

But I think he's wonderful at comedy. He's a breath of fresh air. I love you so much. And he really is. When he says he's hanging out with some chicks, oh, my gosh. Y'all should see his fucking ass at the Mitzi's place after these different girls. They're all like actresses from Romania or wherever you're from. Estonia. I'm kidding. Yes, they're all from. But it seems like he's doing good. Keep it up. You're doing great. Yeah, I have my Estonian angels that sometimes come and visit, you know.

Amazing. I love Estonian girls because, you know, American girls are all like, I think, you know. Right. Right. Estonian girls are honest about what they want. They don't know shit, dude. I love a girl that's fucking retarded. I want a Drew Nickens with a pussy, you know what I'm saying?

She don't know callback, she don't know technique, she thinks stand-up is magic, dude. Dude, my ex-girlfriend was from the hills, dude. You wanna DM my girl, she ain't got Instagram. You gotta recover an account on Myspace. Fuck these new age.

I have a right. Fuck you. So fucking funny.

Absolutely amazing. Well, Ari, I'm very excited about your Estonian ascent to the mountaintop. Yeah, it's crazy. In real time. I know a lot that's going on behind the scenes and right down the road and right around the corner. It's a crazy ride. It is amazing to watch a star.

actually go a stranger in Estonia to a full-blown global superstar. And it's so deserved. You're so funny. Thank you so much. Hilarious onstage and off and all around. Go visit Estonia. It's great. There you go. It's a little gift from the Tourism Association of Estonia. I love it. Did you guys have fun tonight?

The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. It is indeed William Montgomery and Gary Falcon. It is amazing. RyanJEBelt.com to check that out, perhaps by the print. How about one more time for Gary Falcon, everybody, who didn't get to make it back. He's on the potty still.

Gary wanted you to go watch Nick Swartzen's new special, Make Joke From Face. It's on YouTube. Find it. Track it down. It's Nick Swartzen's new special. It's so interesting. I just watched it. When comedians do that, they promote other comedians. That's so nice of Gary to, you know, he could have plugged anything he wanted. Instead, he goes to one of the greatest comedians of all time. He promotes him, Nick Swartzen. So...

make sure you check out Nick Swartzen's special Make Joke From Face. Why not watch it right now since this episode is over and you can like and subscribe to the show. A lot of people watch the show, but we need you to subscribe. This is what people have been telling me to say. My producer Yoni gets very excited when I say the word subscribe. - Our episode with Shane Gillis had 15 million followers.

15 million viewers. - If they all subscribed, it'd be crazy. - Yeah, 15 million viewers. If they all subscribed, that would be crazy. How about a hand for the big blue machine? William, lights out Montgomery. The cranberry from Canberra. The Sicilian from Saskatchewan. The mulberry from Maple Street. William, anything you want to plug or promote?

Please find me on Cameo. Look at my Instagram. I'm still traveling all around doing shows. Look at my Instagram. It has the dates and everything. Thank you. There you go. We did it again. The stream from Madison Square Garden. Still available to watch. You can wait and watch the censored version. But right now, you can splurge

And go watch it right now, probably. And so that's happening. And we love you. Thanks to DraftKings, GameTime, Talkspace. A lot of fun stuff happening. One more time for the best damn band in the land. And how about one more time for one of the top young rising musicians in the world, Marcus King, joining us tonight. Why don't you guys take us out with a little something, huh?

There we go. Thank you. Good night. Love you guys.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.