#671 - ARI SHAFFIR - MARK NORMAND - H. FOLEY - KEVIN RYAN
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah!

Yeah! We made it. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. You're here. The number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Game Time, Liquid IV, and Talkspace. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande.

The great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And this is Dee Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Ooh la la. Another big one for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. I'd like to present three of our favorite guests ever in the history of the show. Make some noise for Mark Norman, H. Foley, and Kevin Ryan, everybody. Yeah. Mark Norman. Squeeze on in here, Mark. Mark Norman, H. Foley, Kevin Ryan.

Three of my favorite human beings, welcome back to the show, guys. What's up, buddy? Great to be here, gang. Great to be here. Hey, hey. We're going to have fun here tonight. They are on tour. The RU Garbage guys are on their Route 66 tour. Go to rugarbage.com for tickets. Mark, numerous specials, numerous everything. He's on tour, marknorman.com. Oh, yeah. Check out my OnlyFans. That's right. Yeah. I've been on it. Hoppy, hoppy, hoppy, hoppy.

I love it. You guys know how the show works. You've been on numerous times before. 229 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket here tonight. Wow. If they get picked, they get 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which interrupts them, and then I interview them, and we all find out more about them, maybe something they should talk about or something interesting about their lives. All of a sudden, they go from being a comedian for 60 seconds to a guest on a live podcast in a sold-out show in the live comedy capital of the world, Austin, Texas. You guys ready to start the show?

Well, I pull a name out of the bucket. They go and grab this person from the bar across the street. And while they're wrangling that person, I would like to present one of our regulars, everybody. We have a rotating panel of regulars now. And this is the newest regular.

Regular on the show one of the two newest regulars on this show. He's an absolute freak of nature He is the Estonian assassin ladies and gentlemen here with a brand new minute make some noise for one of your new favorite comedians in the world Ari Maddy everybody here we go Hello Austin, Texas, how are we? Yes, I I'll tell you about my dream. I want an American passport

And I need help with that. To be honest, I just want a passport where if I go missing, somebody comes looking. Because I have an Estonian passport. If I get in trouble here, I'm fucked. But with the American one, with that eagle on your shit, you could be in fucking Beirut. You pull that shit out, you know, people will back the fuck up.

You could be some random whore sucking dick in Pakistan. If you go missing, bro, Navy SEALs in the night, night vision goggles on and shit, they shoot Ahmed in the head. Britney Grimer, that bitch, took weed to Russia and you were like, we gotta get out! Exchange her for an active terrorist.

So she could come back and play point guard for a made up subsidiary league.

He did it again. Ari Matty with another brand new fucking hilarious minute. Thank you. What's up, Tony? One of the funniest rising young comedians in the world. Probably the funniest sounding human being in comedy history. That Estonian accent trumps everything. It's a good one. We learned it last week. James McCann with his thick Australian accent and you were going, we're having a great conversation back and forth and you just trumped him.

Totally. I mean, you sound funnier than almost everybody. Okay. He sounds scary to me. I don't know what you're talking about. Why do you say that? All right. I've been to New York, and whenever I get scared in New York, I just crank up the accent. I'm as Russian as I need to be. You know what I'm saying?

I'll tell you. I see a black guy on the corner, I'm like, there is problem? What's going on, homeboy? I'll tell you, if all migrants looked like that, I'd say, open that border. Hell yes. That is a handsome man. Look at that. Tiny little body on his kid. Yeah.

Can we get Foley a seatbelt extender? I can't move here. I'm stuck. Here, put one of your legs this way. God damn it, I asked you if you were okay. You said yes. I couldn't breathe. I'm on a Southwest flight. You got the middle seat. What, are you crazy? Where are you flying to? Oh, man. Can I get a double gin and tonic? My wife and I are going on vacation. Oh, man.

So you're a comedian, huh? I'll tell you. If that door of the Alaska flight came off, you could seal that fucker in a second. Don't worry, folks. I got it. Everybody go back to your seats and watch your movies. Man, my ass is cold. I love two Biscoff cookies. Thank you. Amazing.

Oh, fucking unbelievably amazing. Fat jokes are funny. Sorry. I thought I was brought here for a good time, not to be insulted. Oh, sorry, sorry. You look great. Enough Ari Fatty. Let's go back to Ari Matty here. You are very, very, very fat, you know? From Russia, have you ever seen anybody this fat? No, you would be like a circus actor. Banananana.

Dude, we can make some money, baby! Somebody get that bear and a bike. I saw him wrestle two goats last night. Very good. This is Vladimir Pudding. Absolutely incredible. Oh, God. Ari, what do Estonian people look like? Do they all look like you? Is it more Swedish? See, what's really good about my country is...

He's so sexy. We got like, you know, like everybody fucked us, you know. Viking, German, Russian. So the genetical pool, you know. Now have like baby blue eyes, you know. Yeah, look at the British people. Not so good, you know. No. Yeah. That's what happens when an empire fights back too hard, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

They are a hideous people. How does it end up that way? Who went and fucked up England? Well, people fuck anyway, even if new people come. They keep it tight. They do. There's places like that in America too, aren't there? Yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. Not far from here at all. This guy made the drive from wherever it is. Yeah.

You got a couple cousins under your belt, don't you? Look at you. God damn. You guys got three eyes. Look at them. You have a couple cousins above your belt. So, Ari, is everyone in your family good looking? Blonde hair, blue eyes? Well, everyone's dead, but they, yeah. Jesus Christ. Chernobyl, huh? How did they die? Why did everyone die? Heart attack, you know. Poisoning.

Yeah, just a rough life out there, you know? Yeah, if they're gay, they kill you. Yeah. Actually, we just legalized. Oh! Yeah, how about that? You legalized being gay? Yes. You left too early. I love it. Ari, what did you do for work in Estonia before you were a comedian? I used to be a bartender. Can you see this shit? Whoa. Oh, my goodness gracious.

Wow. All right. Wow. Do you still know how to make drinks? Hell yeah, dude. What do you need, baby? In old-fashioned, how would you make it? Oh, you know, get some whiskey. Uh-huh. Like in a glass, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Eye of Newt? Yeah. Come on, Cosby makes a better drink. And then you just, you know, fuck it up, you know? Just shake it up real good. I was more of a visual bartender, you know? Okay, yeah. Just there for the looks. I love it. Ari, what...

You okay over there? You getting ready for a big solo or something? What the fuck could possibly be happening back here? Jesus Christ. I love it. Ari, anything else crazy happen in Austin this week? Well, I had something pretty scary happen. So I had a really good gig one night, you know, when that happens. And...

I was sitting at the bar after the show and then near the bathrooms here, a lady comes up to me and she's shit-faced. Things are going well. She's like stroking my cock.

Ooh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the outside of your pants. Yeah, like, ugh. That's not really stroking. That's more of like a pressure. Like a, ugh. What's this move? I don't know, but I'm into it, whatever it is. I'm slipping off my chair over here, big guy. I think that's called the P. Diddy.

And I'm also like feeling her, you know, the heat. What are you doing? You're like going over her pants. Grabbing her dick. Yeah, exactly.

And we're like, you know, when the tongues do this shit. Oh, yeah, French kissing. So then I do another gig. She hangs around here. Later, I see her at the bar here. I see her from the back. She's ordering drinks. She's got the ass out. Things are looking good. Wait, when you say the ass is out? You know when they're at the bar like this? Oh, yeah. Oh.

And you see like the rectangle of the dream, you know? This part. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Okay. And then I go behind her like all sexy, you know me? Yeah, I know you. I go all sexy up to her hair and I go, what you looking? She turns around, different lady. Oh, wow.

Oh, shit. Already a rapist. Yeah, there you go. Fit into the American stand-up comedy culture. That is incredible. And then I didn't sleep for three days. Well, I'll sleep tonight thinking about that tush. That is true. You do have what the Estonians would call what? What would you call a fat ass in Estonia? Boksperze.

That's so hot. Jesus Christ. The girls in Estonia, they're all very pretty too? Super pretty, super pretty. And smart too. Any black girls there? No, no, no, no. Well, I know. Exactly. Actually, there's one, two, I know them. Okay.

How dare you? Yeah, cool. So we're coming up, you know? Uh-huh. Yeah, we have some black guys. Like, one guy moved to Estonia. It's not great if you can count them. It's one guy, our first black we got, it was... Black guy. It was, like, major news, you know? Everybody was like, oh, my God. We got one! Yeah. Yeah. It's just an Italian guy. Yeah.

Close enough, am I right? Keep eye on this one! Put him in cage with Fat Man! I'm surprised you have a couple because black people are rarely Russian. It's true. It's true, they don't move that fast. They're late a lot. Yep. That was the joke.

Ari, I love your style. You did it again. What a great way to start the show. Thank you so much. Happy to have you part of the team. Ari and Matty, we're on a mission. He's got seven months to get his green card. We made him a regular, making new American citizens. Don't you think he should be an American citizen, huh? Okay. I forgot we're in Texas where people are like, come on, you got to answer a few more questions. All right. Hey, look, it's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Hi.

All right, and now to the bucket we go. We're going to meet someone all together. This is where the beating pulse of the show, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted for your first bucket pool tonight, Brian Cook, everybody. Here we go. We're going to go with Brian Cook. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Now, you can tell it is summertime in Austin, Texas, because all of our unhoused homeless neighbor friends have turned a nice crispy golden brown. Now, I do not mean that racially. I mean that like fried chicken. There's bumps and boils. There's cracks and crevices. It's dripping oil and spices. It's a health hazard. You got to call 3-1-1. Or don't call 3-1-1. I don't care. I don't care about the Bud Light scandal. I don't drink Bud Light. You know what I drink? I drink off-brand Gatorade from the dollar store with a little bit of fentanyl in it.

I call it a white powerade. Now, again, I do not mean that racially. I mean that like the white sheet the coroner is gonna pull over your head if you drink it. It's okay if I drink it. I've got a tolerance. I'm from North Austin. I know what I'm doing. I actually live here in Austin. I call my house Fort Hood. That's not because I used to be in the army. It's because I live in the ghetto and I'm armed to the teeth. Try it, you fucking tweakers. Okay? Now...

Let me leave you with a thought here, a mental riddle, okay? Divorce is like being dropped off in the East Bank of New Orleans at 1 a.m. with no weapons. You are going to be terrorized, traumatized, and you're going to leave with nothing. If you haven't been divorced or been to New Orleans, consider yourself lucky. I've been through both, and I'll take my chances in the East Bank. Thank you. Okay, Brian Cook. Fuck yeah. Came in, guns a-blazin'.

All right, let's talk about it, Brian. How long have you been doing stand-up? The 20th, and a couple days will be two full years. Hey, congratulations. The 20th. Yeah, today's the 17th. Oh, you're saying your anniversary is the 20th. My AA date. Okay, welcome, welcome, Brian. So you've been doing it two years. What made you start? How old are you? 46. 46, wow. What? God damn it. Holy shit. That kid's had a rough paper route. God damn it. It's been a wild life. He's got fucking city miles on him, man.

Jesus. Brian Overcourt. Brian is six years older than me, ladies and gentlemen. True.

Holy shit. How many military deployments have you been on? Oh, wow. Let's talk about that, Brian. Where have you been? I was in Bosnia, but I was in the Army for six years. And so we've got some Californians out there. The National Training Center in Fort Irwin. It seems like I went there once a year for four or five straight years. That's about enough of the desert. Okay. You kill any sand rabbits when you were out there? Not intentionally. Okay.

Not intentionally? No, at night it gets weird. You're driving with the night vision goggles. It's like the Roadrunner and the Coyote out there. You just kind of run over whatever. We'll see what happens. Okay, so that's a yes. You've killed people before. Not intentionally. Okay, not just accidentally. And what did you do exactly in the military? I was a 19 Delta. I was a Cavalry Scout. Okay, what did they do?

Oh, they have a tattoo. We're the Ford observers. They all have tattoos. But no, we're the ones... In the old west, we were on the horses with General Custer, but these days we're the Ford observer for the tank and Bradley units. General Custard is one of H. Foley's favorite desserts. He'll take any General Custard that you offer him. Okay.

Brian Cook. So what do you do for work now? I am in the service center of a local car dealership.

The service center. Yeah, you bring your, I don't know, let's say your Cadillac Escalade in to get service. He's going to steal the rims. Absolutely. That's goal number one. Don't leave your stuff inside the cars, but that's another story. No, if you get your service appointment, we'll take you to the airport, take you back home, and make sure your car gets fixed on time and give you the call when it's ready and all that good stuff. Why would you take somebody to the airport? Because people are jet setters and they got places to go. They give me the keys, they say, take this guy to the airport. No problem. I love your style. You married? Not yet. Not yet?

Not yet. No. Any day now. Any day now. You have a girlfriend? That's a sticky subject because it's Austin. It's a freak show here. The last one took off for Nashville in February, and I got a text this weekend. I don't even know what she was doing in Nashville. We can leave that alone. He's got one in the freezer at his house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, Brian. Very, very interesting. 46 years old. Tell us, is that just the military you think? Why you look like you're your own grandfather? Yeah.

Part of it's just being an outside cat, you know, as opposed to one of the fresh-faced video game people. But we went high school, army, college, 10 years in the music business, went back to college, pandemic, landed here. What did you do in the music business? I was a journalist. I wrote a lot of concert reviews, record reviews, some interviews, a lot of the...

The Austin Chronicle, not to name names, but the stuff like that. The free weeklies with the... Whoa. Not to name names. Why did you say you were with the Chronicle? Jesus. Yeah. No, I wasn't with them, but that kind of a thing. Oh, okay. Every city has one. No sublimes coming. You know, those stupid things. I wrote for them. If you were going to write a review of your set, great question. Like, let me for Motorhead in the last three weeks of life. Okay. Another thing I didn't get. All right.

All right, Brian. Very, very interesting. So what makes you think that you were equipped to be able to write music reviews?

Instead of writing local news, instead of, oh, the girls' volleyball is going to the tournament and we got flu shots, let's write about something I'm actually interested in. Right. A real kind of simple bass urge. How about now musically? Do you still go out and see music? Yes. Where do you go? I like the Mohawk. It's my favorite one in town. Emo's for being a kind of house of blues venue is still a very cool place. The 13th floor, they used to be Beerland. That's a good one. I'm missing one.

Moody Center for the big stuff. We're in the mood. Yeah, that's the arena. There's still a lot of good music places around town. The Far Out Lounge down south, MI South Park Meadows. Yeah, no doubt about it. Okay, very good. How many cups of coffee did you have today? It was all natural, man.

Was it natural? So hyperactive. Like, you know, when I was a kid, the teachers begged my mom to put me on the Ritalin and the 80, you know, all that bullshit. And we never did because we're not going to medicate our kids. They should have fucking medicated their kids. Yeah, we might have missed that one. Jesus Christ. Swing and a miss. He's aging quicker. Wow. Amazing. When you said Ritalin, I'm like, they had Ritalin when you were a kid? And then I remembered you're only six years older than me. That's fucking crazy.

I've never seen anyone that looks like you be like, they wanted to put me on Ritalin as a kid. Normally, they would just hit people with you over the head with a rock or something. Settle you down. Yeah, if you go to the movies, you'll get a discount. Oh, yeah. Bring it on. But what movies we're seeing? Right. You should write a review about that. Here we go.

Brian, I love it. What else? You have any other special skills or talents? I don't know if it's a talent, but I buy and sell baseball cards on eBay for profit. For profit? That's what we did during the pandemic when there was nothing to do. Let's sell some baseball cards. Okay. The Spanish flu. Yeah, exactly.

I love it. Okay. How much meth would we find in that stash? On the advice of counsel, I elect not to answer. Oh, my goodness. There we go. Look at that. Look at that. Amazing, Brian. Well, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. You're getting a little joke book here tonight. Welcome two years into the game, Brian Cook, everybody. Thank you.

We have an insider. One of you, an audience member, has been pulled out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen.

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Your next comedian doing 60 seconds goes by the name of Jay Legend, everyone. Jay Legend. Here he comes representing you. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? This is Jay Legend. I should probably stop smoking weed. It's fucking my life up.

I don't like how my brain is starting to work. I think the weed is too good. This is how I knew it was getting bad. The other day, for 45 minutes, I watched a bird argue with a squirrel. And, uh...

That's not even the part that let me know I was hot. The part that let me know I was hot was I could understand what they was arguing about. It was real intense. I'ma let y'all know what happened since y'all wasn't there. So I was outside mad at my business and squirrels started searching for food on the ground. Out of nowhere, a bird flies past and shit near where the squirrel trying to get food at. This pissed the squirrel off. I could tell it pissed him off because he instantly looked up the bird. He was like, "Hey nigga, watch where you shitting."

Which let me know instantly, this is a black squirrel and he on fucking business. You don't fuck with black squirrels like that. He'll pull up with his squirrels, homie, and fuck this whole place up. Yeah, it was getting real intense, but I couldn't stay to see what happened because like I said, I had been out there for 45 minutes and my break was only 30, so I had to get back to fucking work. Hey y'all, that's my time. I'm Jay Legend. Jay Legend making his Kill Tony debut right now.

Live in Austin. Jay, I didn't even realize when I pulled your name out of the bucket. You have been working at the Comedy Mothership for months now. Every time I run into you, every single time for months, you have said, I'm going to eventually get pulled out of that damn bucket. I'm going to go up there and I'm going to crush. Here we are. The funny part is...

Hey, the funny part is, today I told myself when I woke up, I was like, if I get pulled on Kill Tony, I'm going to call my baby mama and tell her I've been cheating. So... So now... You told yourself that when you woke up today? I'm still here this morning. I don't want to get pulled so bad. I'll tell the truth.

I got news you just told her. It's jokes, babe. Can we call her now? Are you still with your baby mama? No, we got this toxic back and forth thing that we're doing. It's called a kid. That is definitely what it's called. How old's the kid? He's two, about to be three in August. Two, about to be three in August? Yes.

How often do you visit the kid? Since I've been here, I've only seen him twice. He actually just came out. So I talk to him on the phone every day. They know I'm hustling and making money. I always send money home. But actually, I flew them out here yesterday for Father's Day. So I got to see him for a couple hours. I appreciate this. And it's hard out here for a black man trying to be a father. It is. It's hard out there for a black man trying to be a father. There's four of them total in the world right now. There's actually...

It's basically like living in Estonia. Hell yeah. Incredible. So wait, you said that... I'm still kind of confused. First you said when you woke up today, which I'm guessing was 3 p.m. Yes. You said if you get pulled, you're going to call your baby mama and say what?

I've been doing my thing out here in Austin. I've been fucking other women. It's basically what I was going to say. But doesn't she know that you're fucking other women? She don't ask, don't ask, don't tell kind of thing. Right. Don't ask, don't tell. No doubt about it.

Whatever you do, don't ask. Don't ask. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up five years. Five years. And how long have you worked at the mothership? Three months now. Three months. What were you doing before this? Before this, I was just moved out here. I had quit my job and left everything in Florida. What was the job in Florida? I was in home health care. So I was taking care of this 70-year-old white dude, helping him go to the bathroom and shit. Oh, dang.

It was your last comic. I'd clean his house. Clean his house and shit. That's all I would do. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Was he nice? Yeah, he was. It was weird at times because I would be cleaning and he'd be sitting there in his wheelchair and I'd look up and he's just watching me and I felt like my ancestors was hating me. I didn't want to...

Wow. Amazing. Look at your dumb ass. All this work we did. I got cotton shirts for him and shit. I don't know. Isn't it crazy that you've probably wiped his ass more than your own son's ass? Yeah. No, never. Never.

I can't wait to show how good of a dad I am in these videos. I take a picture every time I'm with him. - I love it. Jay, what else do you do other than stand-up comedy? What else are you into? - I really just love this, but I do everything. Like, I'm one of them, you know what a road dog is? - Yeah. - Yeah, like whatever you down to do, I'm down to do. I don't give a fuck, like-- - Even swimming? - Even swimming. - Oh, shit. - As long as I can get on your back and shit. No boats, I know what the fuck happens.

Where do you think we would take you on a boat? You're already here. Oh, no. New slavery world or whatever the fuck. We got a new place for you niggas. It'd be funny if they took a boat to jail. Like, eat your dumb ass and we got them. Amazing. Amazing. Jay, is your baby mama a black woman? Yes, yes. She's on the lighter side, though. She's on the lighter side. Yeah, I'm trying to transition to white. Right.

- And tell us about this transitioning that you're going through. - I just feel like it'll be an easier life, I don't know. - Yeah. - Look, I got a white woman. Oh, come on in. That's what I feel like life is like. - Right.

Tell that to Dolezal. I love it. Jay, amazing performance tonight. Very fun stuff. Welcome. You were right. You had a great fucking set. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Yes, sir. Here's a big joke book. There goes Jay Legend, everybody.

And now it is time for your next comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ari Shafir, everybody. Ari Shafir. Oh my goodness. What? Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you very much. Happy to be here. It's my second time pulling a number. I've tried 74 times. Uh, I just got back from Australia. It's a country. Uh,

Went to a rugby match and everybody there was making fun of Americans. They said, "You got fucking Americans with your football. You're all wearing helmets and pads. You're all pussies." That's what they call this. Pussies, 'cause we wear helmets and pads for football. Well, you wear helmets and pads too if you played against black people. Yeah, you don't have that there. I'm sure I wouldn't wear helmets and pads too if I was soft living, coddled to the ground by a soft white. Try being rushed by someone who's about to bring the property values down in your neighborhood.

Thank you very much, everybody. Ari Shafir! We have been graced with the presence of a fully dressed Ari Shafir. This is incredible. What a distinguished gentleman. This is the first time, perhaps, in 11 years in the history of the show that you have worn an outfit. Dude, listen. I get what you're saying, but... Where is that dick and balls, Ari? I was...

Tony, that was childish. That's child's play. I'm not a child. I'm a grown-up. I'm an adult. Is that why you're dressed like a pedophile tonight? You went straight from being a child to fucking them? You've got to tune in to these kids to become men.

Little Dick Tracy over there. Not bad. Red Band. Whoa, Red Band. Wow. Red Band with the Dick Tracy reference from the early 90s, ladies and gentlemen. Fresh, hot, and ready. I had to flee the country after the last time. I said I masturbated in front of a minor. That is wrong. I've changed my ways. I've grown up now. That was the old Ari. That Ari's dead now. I'm an adult.

And so...

What is your plan with this new Ari? I mean, you worked so hard on the old Ari. Yeah. It took so much work. I mean, you had many different ways and devices of pulling your dick and balls out. The last time we saw you, you were in a Lakers jersey at the Forum, number 24. I can't remember who that was. I can't remember his name. I looked up his stats. There's no good stats for the last couple years, I'm not sure. Yeah.

And there was a hole. There was a giant hole at the lower part of the jersey. There was a hole in the hearts of the Lakers because their fucking heroes did. But there was a hole, yeah. Guys, look how gravity works. I can't control this stuff. My dick and balls fell through that hole and right into the longing gaze of a 13-year-old child. It's true. There was a young boy in the front row. There was actual audio of him crying.

Sounds kind of young for a 13-year-old, but we saw a 46-year-old that looked 93 earlier, so anything can happen. I saw that guy. So now you're dressed... He's got a walker outside. He got off, like, give it to me, and he had the fucking tennis balls. It was souped up.

Souped up. Well, I'm pumped, Ari. I mean, I love that we have this new grown-up version of you. I would love for you to join us for the rest of the show, if that's cool with you. We got a big stool back here. You guys think the legendary Shabir should join us?

Well, I love that, Tony. We got a big stool for you. Here, pull it a little bit closer to the drum set here. Of course, we have you and a blind man coming to your seats at the same time with my luck. That's perfect right there. Come on in, D. Thank you. D Madness. It smells like money. There's a reason. There's a Jew next to you, D Madness. Don't panic.

It's a real life Jew. Yeah, you're good. Yeah. There you go. It's going to be a tight squeeze, but we got a fucking full setup here. How cool is this? Ari Shaffir joining the fray. The lovely Heidi is here. Look at this. Bringing a little relief to this fucking kilbasa. Thank you. Kilbasa festival we have here. Kilbasa. Kilbasa. I'm a married man, goddammit.

And with that, let's keep the fun train moving along. We have a golden ticket winner here, ladies and gentlemen. One of the original golden ticket winners. This guy won it at $20.

years old, a day before he turned 21, he cashed in his golden ticket the next day at the Comedy Store. Won it in Phoenix, Arizona at the age of 20, cashed in the next day at 21 at the Comedy Store. Ladies and gentlemen, five or six year Kill Tony golden ticket veteran. This is the long awaited return of Tristan Bowling, everybody.

Oh, what's up, Kill Tony? Ah, man. I live in New York, which is awesome. I love seeing Broadway musicals. I recently saw the Michael Jackson musical. I did see Leaving Neverland first. So, you know, the spooky prequel. So, you know, I went in a little chuffed. I'm like, what has this Michael Jackson guy ever done? You know? And let me tell you, by the end of the musical...

180. I think I can safely say from the bottom of my heart, I don't think I care about the whole kid thing. He's the best, all right? He's the best who's ever done it. Turns out, you can do both. We're gonna limit that guy? Really? Honestly, between doing Thriller and doing that, like, take a Saturday, man. Like...

Where's your vacation days, brother? And there is a very funny part where in the musical where it's like, Michael, you know what they're saying about you? That you're bleaching your skin? That you're laundering money? That's it. And I'm in the back like, there's a third thing. Didn't even know about laundering money. I'm not going to lie to you. All right, my name's Tristan. Have a good night. Tristan Bowling with a brand new minute.

Fun stuff. Welcome back. Hello. Hello, bud. Thanks for having me, man. Last time we saw you, you also looked like a child, and now you look like a pedophile as well. There's a running theme going on here that Ari started. You look like you're transitioning from scientist to mad scientist. They're not understanding me. Yeah, no, but yeah, it's been, I got a haircut, and I'm glad I look like a pedophile. You

Nothing's changed. You do. How old are you now, Tristan? I just turned 26 in May. That's right. 26.

I love it. And you started out in Phoenix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you did comedy in Phoenix for years. Yeah, yeah. Then you recently moved to New York. Yeah, a year and a half ago. How's that going for you? It's going good. I just got my first full-time job there. Ooh, what's that? Oh, guys, that's a failure as a comedian. Yeah. That is true. Yeah.

No, I'm a kindergarten lunch lady. Are you really? Yeah, yeah. Whoa, Ari, your dream job. I've seen him tutoring. It's nice. Tutoring? Sorry. So you exclusively only serve lunch to kindergartners? Yeah, very extremely rich kindergartners. And it's demeaning, dude. Tell us more about it. They call me Mr. Lunch Lady.

That's not so bad. I mean, it sucks coming from... You've been called worse for sure. Yeah. Yeah, no, absolutely. Yeah, you look like you run the projector at a porno theater. Yeah.

We worked together in Houston. No, Austin. Phoenix. Yes, we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got there. That was a fun weekend. Yeah, it was very fun, dude. No, but being... It's weird. One of the kids who I feed, like, his dad's a Knicks player. Sounds like his breastfeeding. Such a wild way to say that. I mean, what else do I do? It sounds like he doesn't have a choice in the matter. Yeah.

Don't mind the nipple ring, just go ahead and suck. Yeah. They latch easy. It's iron. Yeah, yeah. What kind of food do you serve these kids? Do you have any on you? Do you have any general custard? Yeah.

No, we give them like, we do stir Fridays every Friday. Oh my God. H Foley's hard as a rock right now. Keep going. What else do you got? Stir Fridays? We got stir Fridays. We make our own pizza. Everything's in house. So like we got to do, it's fucking insane. Tuition for kindergarten is $70,000 a year. Whoa. Oh my God.

Yeah, it's nuts. And you were saying one of the kids' fathers plays for the New York Knicks? Yeah. I won't say who. I want to keep my job. That is incredible. Yeah. Tony, aren't you performing where they play? Yes, I am performing. We are performing at Madison Square Garden. We're doing Kill Tony there. Yeah! The home of the Knicks. Who knows? Maybe one day we'll be able to send our children to get lunch from your creepy ass. Yeah. Yeah.

There we go. It's why the kids G-check me a lot. What does G-check mean? They call me on... I asked one of the kids what he's doing for summer vacation, and he told me that he's going to Dubai. And I'm like, I haven't left the country. And in that moment, I wanted to tell him that Santa wasn't real. This new... I don't know how to hurt him the way he hurt me.

That is amazing. - Cheat check. - This new wobbly arm thing you're doing, did you pick that up in New York? This new fucking thing? That's a New York thing, we always talk about it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's sort of how I got here, flying. No, I don't know, I don't mean, now I'm very self-conscious about it, Tony. - Yeah, well, you can't stop now. There's the double hand thing. - I tried maybe left arm, but I know it's gonna do the same thing, so yeah.

I'm from New York. How's it going? Oh, I love it. No, it's very, it's fun. I love my job, though. No, yeah. I'm sorry. How much are you making? Almost nothing. Almost nothing. What's your living situation like in New York? I live in 480 square feet with a girlfriend and two cats. Whoa. Oh, my God. I smell everybody's shit. It's...

It's bad. It's bad. But art, you know? Amazing. What does your girlfriend do? She has a real job. She lives with disappointment. Yeah. She buys groceries for the homeless guy. No, she's a data analyst. Yeah, she's got a master's degree and stuff. Wow. She's got an Asian. No. I'm no red man.

Whoa, Red Band's got an Asian. Lead Band. You don't live in 400 square feet, you loser? My bathroom, yes. Fuck, all right.

Damn. That is fair. And still, she smells everybody's shit, too. Yeah. I'm pretty sure, because this guy takes massive, massive dumps, I'm sure. Disgusting. Okay, Tristan, anything else we should know about? Another great performance. It's just a lot of fun. I was going to tell you, I did see something weird in New York. I was outside smoking weed with my buddies, and some random dude came up and asked if we wanted to see his chest tattoos. And, duh.

And so he showed me, and it was Stewie Griffin and Brian Griffin fighting Lois and Marge, which they teamed up. - Wow. - Yeah, and I was just like, "Are you gonna get any more done?" He's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna get Peter Griffin "fighting the chicken right here." And then he went and got in a car he owned. So that made me feel like shit. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yep, the car is 200 square feet. - I know.

I know. I'm like, can I sublet your trunk, brother? I need a podcast studio. Tristan, we watch you from your start. We've watched you grow. It's been five or six years we've known you. Tristan Bowling, everybody. Thank you. Golden Ticket winner, cashing in. He's on The Secret Show on Thursday. I know that for a fact. I heard you invite him earlier.

All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, is another inside bucket pool. It's another one of, this is a true audience member here. Jay Legend, of course, is working here. But this is one of you. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for JC Superspeed. Superspeed. That's JC? All right, here we go. JC Superspeed looked very nervous. Just a heads up. Here he comes, everybody. Austin, Texas, how y'all doing tonight?

It's only one minute, not a lot of time to get me fired, so let's go. Since COVID, I work from home now. That means I wear more clothes on PTO than anything, right? So speaking of COVID, I love watching people who are on their fifth booster, and I'm looking at them on their fifth fucking eyeball, just winking at me, right? It's like, bro, what the fuck? Six feet, please. Six feet. That's where that came from, Fauci, you stupid motherfucker. Anyways. Anyways.

So, relax, relax, relax. Next one, relax. Let's come back down, let's come back down. So I don't know why so many dudes are chopping their dicks off right now. Like bro, what are you doing? You're gonna get paid so much less. Genital mutilation, that's the real wage gap, y'all.

The economy, I'd have a joke for that, but, you know, I can't afford it. No, I want to hear it. We're going to take the bear out of this element. I'm going to interrupt you right there. You have a lot written down. You have a lot typed out there. This is your first time attempting stand-up? First time, Tony. Right. Absolutely. First time. First time. Let's hear it. Give it up. Give it up.

Let's hear some more of these jokes. I want to hear what you wrote. Your biggest laugh of your set was your new famous tagline, Relax, Relax. Relax. Which you said to a room of 400 people that were making no noise whatsoever. And then you said, quote, let's bring it down a bit. All right. Which, again, was just people reacting to your usage of relax when nobody was doing anything at all whatsoever. All right.

Could be the greatest branding tagline ever. Because, I mean, you had nothing, and you said relax, and you got a big laugh. Whatever works. It wouldn't even have worked if they were laughing. You would have brought down your own laughter had they been laughing. Instead, you took nothing and turned it into something by telling them to do less. And that's how it's done.

That's how it's done, Austin, Texas. Thank you very much. Welcome to another episode of Accidentally Hilarious with JC Superspeed, a blatant fake name, put on his sunglasses after he hit the stage. It's so bright right now. Holy shit.

Hey, lights, relax, relax. Relax. Easy does it. I'm working up here. Calm down. If we could only make them brighter, it's incredible. Okay, who wants to hear more of J.C. Superspeed's jokes? He wrote them out. He typed them out. He printed them out. We so rarely see this anymore.

- Hey buddy, can I just tell you a little tip? You can write with like a bigger font. - Yeah, I know. - You don't have to accept the font that was given. As an adult, this is the kind of thing I know.

Size 13 was a bad choice. Sorry. He started bigger and then he said, let's bring it down a bit. Let's bring it down. Let's hear some more JC Super Speed's written out jokes. Y'all want to hear a couple more? Let's go. You know what? I have a better idea. Is it okay if I read a couple of your jokes? Yeah. Pass them down here.

Let me see that. Yeah, I'll pick them. I'll pick the ones, JC. I'll pick the ones. Let me see that. Hold on. No, no, no. Pass it down. Oh, don't you fucking take my fucking meat and potatoes here. Only one minute. Not a lot of time for me to get fired. Here we go.

Since COVID, COVID, Fauci, you dumb motherfucker. Okay, we got to that. The real pay gap, genital mutilation, the economy. I'd have a joke for that one, but I can't afford it right now. Absolutely. It's not that I hate gay people. That's all I have so far. It says that. See, that was a good one. You should have opened with that. There's no way for you to know what was going to hit and what wasn't. Here we go.

I love politics because it's so crazy right now. On one side, they say that there's so many pedos, but you can't see them, right? And on the other side, they want to take our guns away. I think you got to put the sunglasses on. Okay, now this says action with Mike. So you do the action, I'll read the joke. You ready? Ready?

Jesus Christ. I saw Drake's dick. It's big. Whoa. That's pretty good. Wow. Pretty good. In fact, I watch it every night to help me go to sleep. It's not gay. It says action. Just look at the crowd bewildered. Just look at them be bewildered.

And then it says, let me explain. Action. Turn mic upside down and use it as pendulum. Go to sleep, then open eyes wide. Okay. This is like if an alien tried to do stand-up comedy. And then it says, Diddy was here. What did you mean by Diddy was here? I mean Diddy was here. On Drake's dick. Oh. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. JC Superspeed. Absolutely incredible. Can I keep this? I want to learn how to not do stand-up. Okay.

No, you're cool, you're like La Bamba. JC Super Speed, let's talk about it. How old are you? 40 years old. 40? No way. 40 years old. Ari, what do you think about this? Are those in Mexican years? No. I don't know what it is. 40 years old? I'm sorry? Have you ever landscaped? Never in my life. That's why. I got married.

- Oh. - You got married to a white woman? - I sure did. - Oh. - Wow. What did she do for work? - Landscaping. - JC, super speed, very good. - That's the super speed we're talking about. - Relax. - There it is. Oh, the mic's out of the mic stand and here we go. He's cooking. He's living the dream, folks. He got a big laugh and now, oh, he's telling the crowd he wants more.

Oh my God, JC feeling the momentum, wrapping the cord around his hand one time. JC feeling the momentum, riding the wave. Okay, JC, here's the next question. Yeah. What else do you do other than this, other than work? What else are you into?

- Just a whole bunch of shit. I mean, watching, well, since COVID, I bring it up again, started working from home, right? So that means I don't work anymore. - What does that mean, mowing your own lawn? - I've seen my wife mow it like three times during the day, you know, just gotta put her to work. - Just keep going, keep going though. What else are you into?

Other than working from home, other than this, what else? Well, ever since working from home, became a homebody, to be honest. I mean, just watching podcasts. Where do you live? San Antonio, Texas. Okay. San Antonio. And that's where you were born and raised? I was born and raised in Bronzeville, Texas for a couple years.

And yeah, moved to San Antonio and just never left it until you guys showed up, you know? Right. And then you still haven't left it. Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. Okay. You got any kids, buddy? I have two kids. Wow. I have two kids. That's less than it should be. How long have you been with your wife?

I've been with my wife for almost 20 years. Whoa. 20 years in January. Damn. Wow. 20 years in January, next January. How old are your kids? Wow. I got a 16-year-old and a 13-year-old. So your wife's 28. Don't do the math on that one. All right, all right.

JC, what else about your entire life would we find interesting about you? You have a crazy family or anything? Ever do anything crazy? No, not so crazy or anything like that. Uh, let's see, I'm a... My job, my day-to-day, I'm a government contracts consultant, so I do that. It's just as crazy as you would think with the news going on every day. Jesus Christ. What the hell was that? -And then-- -I got a heart attack here. Jesus.

Somebody get me an Ozempic! And then before that, I spent 12 years in the Army. Okay, well there you go. That would be a big deal. 12 years in the Army would be something about your life. So what did you do in the Army?

Anything and everything that they told me to do. Okay, you ever kill any sand rabbits? No, but I saw a lot of them. How's that? You saw a lot of them. Saw a lot of them. You know, I did a deployment to Iraq, convoy security, you know, just driving commodities up and down. I see you've wrapped another loop around your hand with a mic cord. It's a double loop, buddy. Oh, there's the triple. Whoa, the quad. The quintuple loop, ladies and gentlemen. We've never even seen this before.

Whoa, oh my god, he's created his first time ever doing stand-up and he's created his own way of holding the mic. Whoa, whoa, the old twisty. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, there you go. I knew it.

Hey, microphone, relax! Oh, he has no idea how to put that. Oh, wow, very good. They're very good. He's done cheap electrical work before. Is it in there, JC? Talk. Test, test, mic check. Wow, there you go. You even know what to say. How did you know to say test, test, one, two? You seen that on movies or television?

Well, I got to tell you. Whoa, whoa, everybody. Whoa, thank you, Tony. I bring you to question. Whoa, relax, relax. Burn ring it down, everybody. Whoa, let me tell you, I've been watching a lot of television. And check, check, one, two. I've been working inside. Don't know if I mentioned that. I'm a real homebody. Whoa. Oh, wait. Looks like I slipped and fell. Uh-oh. Whoa. Whoa.

Colin is crazy, amirite? I love it. JC, you've been with your woman for 20 years. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? How do you keep her satisfied? Wraps her up on a microphone cable. He has his sex moves written down step by step.

That was good. Step number one, put on your good Van Halen shirt. Adjust the sunglasses. Relax, baby. It'll be over in a minute.

JC, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. You popped your cherry. Here's a little joke book. Make some noise for him, JC Superspeed. ♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na ♪ ♪ La la la la la la la la ♪

Make some noise for one of the most powerful regulars in the history of the show. You know him. You love him. The living legend. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson. Cam Patterson.

Alright, alright. Okay, alright. I gotta be, wait, I gotta be quick. This is a long one. My first kiss was to my sister cousin. I'm not gonna give you time to think about that. Understand this. This is how my family tree went. My daddy fucked my mama up, made me. My dad fucked my stepmom, made my little sister. Right? My little sister, we the same age. My stepmama got a brother. He smoked crack. Nothing to do with the story. I just wanted to tell y'all that.

He met another crackhead and made a crack baby, right? This crack baby was cute. And we were born around the same time. We would all sleep in the same bed when we was little kids, right? I'd be in the middle, my sister be on the left, crack baby be on the right. And then one day, one day my dad goes like, hey man, come here by the time I told you, you a grown man now. I was 11 years old, right? He was like, listen, that crack baby is not your cousin. You do with that as you will. And then he disappeared into the shadows.

So I left, my dick just started getting hard. I went back and I was ready to fuck some, right? So I get back in the room. I'm in the middle of my seat on the left and she's like, I can tell y'all where we at, but she a big ass fat bitch, right? So she got a CPAP machine on the whole time and she just dying in her sleep, right? And I go, hey crack baby, can I get a kiss? And she was like, yeah. And then we kissed and I loved it. I hate that kiss now. Cause in 2018, she decided she didn't want to be a girl no more.

I'm an ally of the gays, but I didn't choose to, nigga. I was drafted. That is hilarious. Wow. Cam Patterson has done it again. Yeah, that bitch look just like me. So...

-Swear to God. -Really? -Yeah. It's crazy. -You guys are the same age? We're the same age, yeah. She look just like me, like my twin, nigga. -Really? -You know, like, she a thug, too, so it's like, dappin' up a nigga look just like me that I kissed before is crazy. Like, it's insane, 'cause when we was little kids, she was just kissing everybody. She kissed all my friends. -Right. -So I was like, "Nah, we can finally kiss." And now she just like, "I don't wanna be a bitch no more." And that shit, I hate her now. It's upsetting. So, she's, like, a lesbian? Nigga, she a nigga, man.

Bacon soda! Have you not been listening? What is wrong with you, Tony? That's a dude, man. She a dude now. She's a dude. So she took, like, testosterone and stuff. She look just like me. Wait, are you saying you also can't tell them apart?

Do you ever hang out with her? Nah, when I go back home, I try to just... It make me feel weird, but... Copy-dapping up and shit, I just be like, nigga, you was my first introduction to women. Like, you feel me? Right. It's just... Yeah, it's crazy. Do you guys laugh about it? Do you ever bring it up? I don't talk about it with her. I don't talk about it. Why? Why wouldn't you bring it up to her? You're a comedian. I know. You can just bust balls. Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I should bring it up more. I should talk about it more. We do hang out. When I go back home and shit, we say what's up and shit. You feel what I'm saying? What do you guys do? Like drive-bys or something like that? She picks you up in that Trans Am. That was hard. I love it. That was hard as fuck. So, I mean, so she started as a she, became a he. It's like a reverse Madea movie or something like that. Yes. Yes.

Incredible. What is, what is, does she go by she or does she identify as a he now? I just call her my dog, my cousin. You know what I'm saying? Right. I call her, she's my cousin again now. You know what I'm saying? Right. That's my cousin now. Like, what's up, cuz? Good to see you again. What the fuck was that? That's, Red Band understood that she's one of your dogs.

That's the whitest thing ever. Yeah. I feel you, bro. That was a fucking Yorkie, nigga. What the fuck was that? What's what? So, what does she do for work? I don't know, man. I don't talk to her like that. I just know we kiss, nigga, and that was the end of the whole thing. And then one day, she was like, what's up, nigga? I'm a nigga. I'm like, god damn. Wow. Damn. So, we're finding out that you are a gay man. No! Yeah. Oh, yeah. Cam's gay. Don't!

- What a twist. No, no, no. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Nope, nope. - Oh, God, no. - We found out everyone jokes about how I'm gay. - No, no, no, no, no. - But I'm actually straight. Everyone thought you were straight. Turns out you're gay as fuck. Absolutely incredible. Happy. - No! - He's coming out on Pride Month. How exciting, everybody. - Hey, did I tell you? Did I tell you what my dad said?

My sister asked my dad, she was like, "Dad, if I was gay, would you support me?" And then my dad was like, "Yeah, I support your ass going to hell." And then my little sister just went...

I see you in hell then. And my dad went, I'm not going to be on the gay side of hell. Like there was two hells. That's crazy. I'm going to be up here with the real niggas. You're going to be on the gay side of hell. That's on you, man. Oh my goodness. Lil' Cam X. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, man.

I'm not dumb, but I like cocks. That don't even sound good, man. Yeah, dude, it's all starting today, dude. There's a whole new branding for everything with you, bro. I've been holding on. I was like, I should just keep this one in the bag. And I was like, fuck it, I ain't got nothing else. And now here we go. God damn it. Nope, it's out now. When you hear that sound, that means you're gay now. Oh.

Why is there a baby here again? Oh! Can I tell you something funny? Uh-oh. Okay, so you know the boys that said people was mad or whatever, right? But my dog, my homeboy that I be with all the time, you want to read this? Yeah, sure. Okay, look. Now there's pictures of dudes on here, but don't look at them. No! No! Bad! Bad!

Cam can't read. I'm looking for it. So yesterday, look.

Yesterday was Father's Day, right? Read it over real quick before you go in there. But this one right here, my dog sent me that because I had the abortion. So read that. If you want to read it. Which one? You had an abortion? Yeah, it's a long story. Happy Juneteenth, everybody. Do you want to read it? You don't got to read it if you don't want to read it. Wait, you had an abortion? When was the abortion? I didn't know you could get dudes pregnant. This nigga here. Oh.

Oh yeah, we got a new gay guy on the show everybody. Tony, is that you? Nigga, you can't just add me in, nigga. You can't recruit me to be gay, nigga. Ari Shaffir reading the text from one of your dogs. Yeah, my dog. My homie, my best friend. That's your dog. He sent me out on Father's Day. One could say that's your N-word. Happy Father's Day. You even though you pushed that hoe down the stairs and that baby playing ball with Kobe now. Why would the baby end up in hell?

Damn. Whoa! Whoa! Ah. Too far. You can call me gay, but you can't say Kobe with the hell, nigga. No, I know. That's crazy. He's totally in gay hell, too. You were almost a helicopter parent. All right, Red Band, relax. Red Band's getting a blister on his finger from all these fucking sound effects.

Unbelievable. My goodness. Cam, yet again, somehow, you always find a way to pull out a fucking unbelievable set, an unbelievable interview. You are such a fucking rock star. Thank you so much. Unbelievable. You did it again. Cam motherfucking Patterson. Make some more noise for Cam, everybody. He's on tour all over the fucking world.

theaters, sold out, comedy clubs everywhere, everything. The real deal. Okay. I pulled another name out of the bucket. The stage is tight tonight. We are moving along. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Arpit Jain or Diane Arpit. Thank you. Thank you. So make some noise if you grew up playing any sports.

I'm a former athlete myself. I grew up playing the Indian national sport of competitive spelling bees. Yeah, actually I went to my cousin's basketball game this weekend. He's the athlete of the family. It's cool though, 'cause we got the same nicknames. The kids call him Curry 'cause he shoots like Steph. And the kids called me Curry 'cause they were racist. Yeah, if I missed a shot, they'd yell out, "There goes another tower."

Yeah, I was also in ninth grade when Harold and Kumar came out. And for the whole year, everyone called me Kumar. And I couldn't even get mad about it because that's my legal middle name.

Even though I'm Indian, I actually grew up in Africa. But we ended up having to move because it was really unsafe and we kept getting robbed. And like most Indian immigrants, my parents first started working at a 7-Eleven. And that was really unsafe. They kept getting robbed. So that kind of confused me because if you think about it, we really just traded getting robbed by Africans to getting robbed by African Americans. Kind of seems like a lateral move. Thank you, everyone. Art Pitt.

Jane. Jane. Arpit? Yeah. Arpit. So that's a bad name. It was growing up, yeah. It's a bad name, especially for an Indian guy. Yeah. Because you guys famously don't smell. You want to finish that? Good. Good was the answer I was looking for. You guys have a smell to you.

Actually, I have a little bit of BO tonight, so I really actually do. I played drums before we opened the doors tonight for an extra half hour, and I stink.

So I can relate to you. Because I slightly smell tonight. For some reason, my great deodorant isn't working. And I'm also, I can relate to you because I am also a great speller. Okay. What words did you go out on in your spelling bees? So this was in sixth grade. Uh,

Damn, you know what? I honestly don't remember. I know that I cheated on it, though, to go into all the middle schools in our area, but I can't remember the word I lost on. You can't remember the word you lost on? So when we were practicing for, or when we were taking the actual test to qualify, I had the word bank underneath my shoe and my backpack, and I was kind of just looking at it. Jesus. Jesus.

My goodness. Yeah. You're the guy that people are supposed to cheat off of. I know. Not on spelling, though. Not on spelling. Everything else, I feel confident. Wow. Spell cinnamon. C-I-N-A-M-M-O-N. No, that's wrong. Is it double M? Yeah, double N. I said double M. I said M-M.

I like how Fole was just watching him. He was like, I don't really know. Yeah, I'm a terrible speller. You're a terrible speller. I'm a bad speller. I thought he was going to ask him to spell roast beef or something. How about impasse? Spell impasse. Do you want me to use it in a sentence or anything like that? It's a French origin. I'm going to go. I was going to cross the bridge, but I came to an impasse. I'm going to go I-M-P-A-S.

- This is like a black guy who can't dance. - I'm terrible at spelling. - Ari, would you like to do it correctly? - I would. - I-M-P-A-S-S-E, Impasse. - That is correct.

That's the word that got me. I went to the whole fucking city one because I won my school one and I was in fourth grade and these assholes gave me impasse. A very hard word when you're in fourth grade. Oh my God, you have a pipe too? I'm an adult now, Tony. Did that come with the rest of the outfit?

All that dick stuff's in the past. I love it. Okay, so Arpit, what do you do for work? What exactly do you do with computers and technology now? So actually as of January, I'm doing comedy full time.

Oh, wow. But before that, I was CPA. So I used to work on Skid Row as the CFO at a homeless shelter. And then I took a remote job so I could move out to Austin. But then I committed to doing comedy January 1st. Wow. Okay. So you're doing comedy full-time for a living.

Not a living, yeah, I haven't made much, but digging into my savings. Oh, you have savings. Yeah. Right, because you were a CPA. Ari? I'm looking to get my customer service better at Spectrum, and I keep getting the runaround. If you could just get someone to tell me why I don't get 35 megabytes. That's not even in India anymore. It's all AI now. Yeah, pussy. Take that, you pedophile-looking motherfucker. That's fine.

Arpit, what do you do for fun? Tell us more about your life. I love to be active. Every day I'm doing a sport, whether golf or MMA. What kind of MMA do you do? Jiu-jitsu and just MMA sparring classes. Really? Yeah. Would you shadow box for us a little bit? Put the mic in the mic stand. I mean, I could try. Let's add some shadow boxing music. Whoa. Oh, my God.

Nothing crazy. Macarena. What are you talking about? I know the electric slide when I see it. Just look like you were at an Indian wedding. Loved it. Arpit, do you have a girlfriend? I don't. I'm single right now. Okay. What type of girl are you into? All right.

I had my white phase. I feel like... Wow. Sounds like it ended badly for you. You're over the whites? No, I just feel like I know eventually I'd like to marry someone Indian, just culturally easier. Easier for you to keep a relationship with your parents? No, I just... I think when I was younger, like, the longest relationship I had, five years, they were Egyptian. Ooh.

Yeah, I think ultimately it would just be easier long term, someone Indian, just same culture. No good with the Egyptian? She looked more Indian than I did, but it's still, yeah. Sounds like a pyramid scheme. It's true. It's true. I'm going to kill myself. I'm sorry.

I went to a dating convention earlier this year though, you know, I'm trying to put myself out there. You went to a what? A dating convention. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, it was in New York. That's so Indian. It was an Indian one. It was an Indian one. Yeah, yeah. It was an Indian dating convention? Yeah. Oh, that place had to be. Oh my God. Can you imagine? It probably smelled like Tristan's 420 square foot apartment.

Oh my god. I'm kidding. Not all Indians smell bad. Do you smell bad? I mean, I don't think I do. Ari? With a nose like that, we're about to find out. He smells fun. Wow. Look at that. Absolutely incredible. Ari, the sniffing detective. Yeah. The smell sommelier.

Another crime solved. When will we need his detective work again? Who knows? Shercock Holmes. Shylock Holmes. Oh, that's it. There it is. There it is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

- Shotlock's such a good old one. - It is a good one. Oh my God, that's a whole fucking sketch series. - He couldn't have sold the money because the money's gone. I don't know what you're talking about. - I'm gonna have to dig an underground tunnel to solve this one. - Let me go back to my iron dome. - How do you feel about the Jews?

Fucking wait a while before you answer that one. I don't feel, yeah. He had less trouble with the word impasse. Yeah.

You just got real nervous. Zionists, you know, but like, I think nothing wrong with anyone, but... How do you feel about the Zionists? Anything extreme, I think, is wrong. How do you feel about them? Go ahead, say it. What would you do to one if there was one tied up? I wouldn't, me personally, I wouldn't do anything. You wouldn't do a thing? You wouldn't untie them? That's terrible. That's absolutely incredible. I mean, it was a very simple question. If there was one tied up, would you... Looking at my senior Jew correspondent, Peter Shor, he's like...

You wouldn't even untie them. He's Indian, though. It's a different kind of Hamas. Yeah, it's true. What do you think is the most Indian thing about you, Arpit, other than your name and your middle name and everything else about you? I'm vegetarian. Did you say vegetarian? Vegetarian, yeah. You like black music? Yeah. That's Indian? Yeah, pop.

You said black music, right? Yeah. Yeah, it has Indian origins, right? No, I just think you guys all listen to black music. You think hip-hop has Indian origins? No, the bass is a lot of Punjabi influence. Really? That explains the Lyft drivers. My music teacher told me that growing up. I mean, I never fact-checked it. Wow. The musicians are disagreeing with him.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I never fact-checked it, to be fair. Right. Okay. Arpit, congratulations. John Dees just said his music teacher sucked. Arpit, I don't remember. Was it a little joke book? What do you guys think? Little or big? Big? Little. Here you go, Arpit. There you go. Better luck next time.

Arpit. Arpit. Jane, everybody. Okay. All right, we're going to keep this fun train moving along. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next comedian, Nick Farrell, everybody. Nick Farrell is next. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Here he comes, his Kill Tony debut, Nick Farrell. Yeah. Make some noise for Nick, everybody. Yeah, cool. Hell yeah. We got a sexy crowd here tonight. You guys give yourselves a hand for coming out and being sexy. Yeah.

Cool. A couple of the wrong people clapped, but that's okay. I didn't clap either. I don't think I'm sexy. I don't know why she laughed. I'm just not very smooth with women, I think, is my issue. Like, I kind of just take my whole thing any chance I get. I was out at a bar talking to a girl the other night, and it was surprisingly going kind of well. And then, like, out of nowhere, she leaned in, and she asked if I liked rough sex. I don't know what to say to that, guys. So I just tried to, you know, play cool, be honest. And so I told her I have eczema.

So I might be like the roughest sex you ever fucking have, baby. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, they didn't call me old 60 grit in high school for no reason, you know? Yeah. You guys liked that way more than she liked it. Surprisingly, though, we kept talking some, and she was like, I think it would be hot if you could, like, handcuff me to your bed frame. And I was like, I'm flattered you think I have a bed frame. Hey, thank you, guys. Appreciate you. Nick Farrell. Solid set.

Nick, this is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, first time. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like three years. Where do you live? Fayetteville, Arkansas. Whoa. Whoa, okay. Where Bill Clinton's from? Sin City. It's okay. I'll hold this. So you made a trip here just for this? I grew up and born and raised in Austin, Texas. Yeah. Yeah.

I work for the school district in Fayetteville, so I'm on summer right now, just staying with my folks. What do you do for the school district? I'm the district photographer. Come on. Chill, chill, chill, chill. Nah, that's bad creepy, dude. You're taking pictures of children for a living? Ari Shafir, high five. Nice. A big win for the pedophiles. Yeah.

- Sounds like a case for Sherlock Holmes. - There's a lot of money in pictures of kids these days, so. - Whoa! - I'm doing-- - Kevin Spacey's out! - So you literally specialize in taking school pictures? - Well, no, so, like, I don't take, like, school, I don't do, like, LifeTouch stuff. Like, anytime there's, like, grants for any, like, we get a lot of money in grants, and so, like, I get to go to, like, most of the fun day. Like, I go to, like, field trips, and I go to, like, if someone gets a check for, like, something. It's really awesome shit, guys.

I'd love to talk more about it. Unbelievable. I thought the jokes were good. Thank you. Unlike your hair, your head and shoulders are above the rest. Thank you. Where did you get good at stand-up? We actually had a pretty sweet scene in Fayetteville. Northwest Arkansas is cooler than all of Arkansas.

And we can hit spots every night and then do shows like Friday, Saturday shows. And so I'm getting a lot of stage time, which is sweet.

Hell yeah. When you say that there's a pretty sweet scene, what exactly do you mean? The population is 99,000 people. Sweet scene in the sense of like, I'm going, like open mics have like a lot of people in them still. So it's like, like, you know, the thing that's different here is like I go to open mics and it's like, there's not really anyone besides like two comics that are madger there. And like there, it's like room. So I feel like I get more...

Better gauge if jokes work or not. How old are you? 24. 24 years old, and you have a full-time job in Fayetteville. So how long ago did you move to Arkansas? I went to the U of A, and I graduated from there two years ago. So now I just live and work there. So you're a Razorback. Woo-woo pig, baby. I'm not diehard in any sport. I don't give a fuck about sports. Did you major in taking pictures of little kids at Arkansas? That was just...

Or was that your minor? It was my passion project. Yeah. Yeah. A little Mark Norman rolling off on me. Hell yeah. Comedy. Team Kendrick. Wow. Okay. What's your love life like out there in Fayetteville? Killing it, crushing it. Pretty sweet. A lot of Arkansas pigs. A lot of pigs, yeah. I'm just knee deep in the slop, dude, every night. It's slow. It's not going great. It's fine. I'm chilling.

Let's talk about the kids some more, you know? He's more nervous talking about his dating life than taking pictures of children.

Yeah. Let's talk about it. The look. You play rock music or something like that? Do you do something that matches your look? Taking pictures of children, I mean... I do this when I take the pictures. Yeah. No, this is just... I'm bad at scheduling haircuts. I like long hair. You skateboard? No. No? I went one time to the skate park while I was in college, my second year of college, just to take pictures. Yeah, yeah.

Exactly. No talent out there. You got out of there. Well, no. I thought that maybe that could be an arc. But I got called a poser by some kids because I wouldn't drop in the pool. He was on roller skates. Watch out now. Coming through. You guys got a pretty sweet scene here. It's a pretty sweet scene. Tell us something about your life, Nick, that would surprise us. What makes you different than all the other humans in the world? You got a crazy story or something? I really fuck heavy with Blue Bell ice cream. Whoa.

When you say you do that. My man. This kid's all right. Yeah. I was riding with him through the Holy Coal ice scare. I did not give a fuck. I was eating gallons. How hard do you fuck with ice cream? Tell us more about this. I'm pretty, um, pretty hard, I guess. Uh,

I could eat, like, nightly, probably. I'd probably hit, like, some Dutch chocolate, Blue Bell. Whoa. Jesus Christ. I'm not trying to brag. We got a real Hunter Biden over here. Wow. So you're just eating ice cream and not getting pussy. No, that's literally my whole brand, I feel like. Blue Bell and blue balls. I'm nothing, for the record. So when you're done taking pictures of these kids, you're like, you know, I got a freezer full of ice cream. Yeah.

Yeah, they told me I had to stop pulling up to the schools playing the music and so they were like, they were mind-bombed. You don't put on the weight for eating ice cream. You're thin as a rail. Yeah. I mean, you look good. Thanks, dude. Hell yeah. You look like Ari's Holocaust dad. Sorry. Yes. Incredible stuff, Nick. Is there anything else we should know about you before moving along? Uh,

No, this was good. There's a lot of people. You can get me out of here. Wow. Look at you giving up his time for the thousands of other people. Y'all have seen plenty of me. I'll be back. Yeah, I'll be back. Nick, what's the longest set you've ever done? Like 25 minutes, 20 minutes. Looked at me on the Secret Show Thursday. Wow. Nick, Nick, here's a big joke book. There you go. Nick Farrell, ladies and gentlemen. All right.

Keeping it moving along. So we're flying through them tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. Sean Stewart, everybody. Sean Stewart. Here we go. Sean Stewart. Woo! Howdy, y'all. So I'm recently single. Let's hear it for the single people here, you know? Woo! Woo!

It wasn't my choice though, no. It was very abrupt. My ex ended things, I walked into the house and she had the shotgun in her mouth and her brains were all back in the fucking wall. Jesus Christ. I was like, "Jesus Christ, bitch, you gave me a mess to clean up too? I did the dishes last night, it was your chore night. What the fuck is this? I didn't know I was dating Kurt Cobain." Oh, this does not smell like teen spirit. No, it doesn't. Smells like a conjuring, if anything. You know the worst part about that night?

No head. Pissed me off, man. I bought that couch too, the Audacity. Perfect timing. Sean Stewart. So let's talk about it. Sean, welcome. First time on the show, correct? Second. Second. Yeah. Okay. Did your girlfriend really kill herself? No. I was actually talking to another comic. I was like, yeah, my ex ended things. He was like, she killed herself? I was like, no, but that'd be a good joke. Right. Absolutely. Ari? Yeah, I got to talk to you about your outfit.

Why? What could possibly be wrong with his outfit? Who stole your clothes, dude? I went to the gym before this. I signed up for the open mic, and then I ran to Gold's real quick. What, to sell steroids? What are you doing there? I'm not that big. I wish I was. You look good. It'll work out. Thank you. I appreciate that. Justin, I drowned my wife in a timber lake.

I used to look like a 40-year-old lesbian back in the day, so. Really? Yeah. Oh, you should fuck Cam Patterson. So welcome, Sean. What do you do for work? I work at, like, a back office for a call center, a big old telephone company. Are you trying to move to the front office at some point? Not really. I'm trying to move away from customers. I hate talking to these people.

but you're in the back office. Yeah, and so if they ever get to me, it's just because somebody really escalated up the ladder. So if they escalate really up the ladder, they get you? Sexy back. You're dressed for the job you want. Sorry. I just don't want to talk to them once they get to me. I spend more time trying to avoid work than I do working, I feel like.

It's like surprised that you do that for a living like you don't even. It pays the bills. You know, what do you have to wear to work this? Sometimes I have to put this on because I'm joining a meeting and I'm shirtless and I'm like, oh, oh, I'm going to throw on my wife beater. Yeah, it's better than nothing. I'm mad. I actually got a stain on this one. I went to go put on the.

Carmex. Lip gloss. Not the lip gloss. Lip gloss? No, no. I had a couple of bullies I was getting ready to smooch. The chapstick. Right in Philly, gay. I took the cap off in my car and it squirted all over my shirt. I was like, ah, shit. And I didn't bring an extra shirt, so I just had to wear this. Thank God you got the nice necklace. Really evens it out.

That's incredible. Is that real gold? Is that real gold? Yeah. Gold's Jim. You're white. Yeah, it is. Whoa. Whoa.

Where'd you get the necklace from? It passed down. My dad gave it to me. Wow. Yeah. He smuggled that out of Vietnam in his ass. No, he was from Florida. Oh, okay. So I was wrong about that. That's a family heirloom right there. You can't tell at all, but I'm actually like quarter Cuban. My grandfather was like, came over here on the boat escaping communism back in the day. So...

That's where I think they got it from a little bit there. It was like, oh, yeah, this fits you. So I try to look a little bit Cuban, but you can't tell at all because you are the whitest dude I've ever seen in my life. The rest of me is all like inbred European, Polish, Irish, Scottish. Really? You know Ari Matty? No. He is Estonian. Estonian. That's better than what's the what's the one race like? It's like cavemen kind of.

Neanderthal. Neanderthal. That's a different country. That's not a country, dude. You from Neanderthal land? You guys going to be in the Olympics this year? Yeah. Dude, you are retarded.

Do you think the Netherlands is full of cavemen? I think that's what he thinks. I think that is what he thinks. Do you think that? I didn't really know what you would call somebody from the Netherlands. Another person? Dutch. Dutch? I actually dated somebody who was Dutch. Really? Really? No, you dated somebody who was a dunce. So, Sean, what do you do for fun? I can't even imagine.

Imagine what a guy like you. I just got back from Vegas. Uh-oh. Yeah. I went for a rim-to-rim trip with 50 other guys. What was it? Rim-to-rim. A rim-to-rim trip. A what trip? Rim-to-rim. That explains the Carbacks. It ended up... I get it too, dog. Don't worry. There it is.

Is that the Grand Canyon or a human centipede? Yeah, it's a Grand Canyon. I was disappointed to find out we weren't rubbing assholes together. I was like, oh shit. I was like, 50 dudes. Rim to rim, what does that mean? You walk from one end of the Grand Canyon all the way to the other end. It's like 24 miles. Really? Yeah. Why would you do that?

Because you didn't have any money. It actually cost me like $1,000. What? You got ripped off. You got robbed, dude. Well, we had a big old bus. It was like we went on the four-wheelers and ATVs. But yeah, 25 miles is a bit too long to hike in a day. Yeah. That's a marathon. Yeah, I think like 15, 20 is the most I'll do now. Did anything exciting happen or anything fun? Any laughter along the way? Technically, I didn't do it in a day. What?

I would have done it in a day, but I started walking with this guy who... He started dying like three miles before we got to the finish. Like, he just started puking and...

Not having a good time, and so I, like, called the cops. I just got service, like, five, ten minutes. Was he black? No. You called the cops on a white guy? Yeah, he was dying. He was throwing up. Yeah, you're supposed to call the medics for that, not the police. We were stuck. They got me in contact with the ranger, and the ranger's like, we can't get to you. You're going to have to get to the next cabin and sleep the night. Like, deal with it. And so...

What the fuck is going on here? Guy has a heart attack, you swatted him? He's some kind of Neanderthal, get him! We made it to the next three mile marker cabin and then I was on the phone with the ranger. He was like, here's the code to the emergency thing. Here, have a sleeping bag and some other stuff and sleep in the canyon. Dude, you're like a human Beavis. Yeah.

They never found the guy 'cause you kept saying, "Look for the Cuban guy." I broke down once I realized we were, like, stuck in the mountain. We were, like, three miles from there, and my parents laughed about it 'cause they have, like, text messages on me, like, "Oh, I'm fucking stuck on the mountain!" And then I started just-- went to the eggs, and I was like, "Fuck! God fucking damn it!" Out into the canyon, and I heard an echo, like, a real loud echo, and then somebody else yelled, "Fuck you," back to me, and I was like, "Oh, that makes me feel better."

Did you do any gambling? Yeah, I played a bit of craps. Oh, all right. Yeah. He was shitting his pants. I love it. Yeah. Interesting guy. Yeah, interesting guy indeed. He really opened up after he stopped doing stand-up. Is stand-up something you're passionate about? Yeah. I mean, I hate my day job. This is the only thing I have fun doing other than...

The gym, work, and stand-up. What do you do at the gym exactly? You look like shit. Aw, he's all right. Damn, brother. He's all right. He's huge. I went through the whole transformation phase, I thought. Really? Yeah, you know. Lady first? No, just the testosterone. I still don't have that. Oh. Yeah. That's too expensive. You don't move your mouth much when you talk. Do you know that? No, I used to have a lisp. That might be why. Ah.

Can you go comedy? Can you just do that? Comedy? Oh, he could do that. Last time you were on, did you get a little joke book or a big joke book? A tiny joke book. A tiny one? Well, guess what, buddy? You've moved up to a big one. There you go. Take it to the Grand Canyon with you. Sean Stewart, everybody. Like a young Bill Burr. Like a Bill Durr. Bill Durr. Bill Durr.

All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. This guy has been on the show before. And since he's been on the show, he became literally one of the biggest comedians in Canada. He's here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is actually a great comic. This is a brand new minute. Uninterrupted from Ben Bankus, everybody. Ben Bankus. Hilarious man. It's been a while. Make some noise for Ben, everybody.

You know how black people are afraid of police cars? Yeah, that's how white people feel when we see a Nissan Altima with the bumper falling off. Right? Black people see the police car, they're like, "Oh my God, I'm gonna get shot." White people see the Nissan, we're like, "Somebody's gonna get shot." Probably not me, though. White people only get shot at, like, splash pads. Speaking of black people, Baltimore, the bridge falling down, that was fucking crazy, dude. You know the crew of that ship, they were all Indian?

Like from India. They were just driving it like, "This is too big for Uber." And just fucking took it out. And then once it was all demolished, they're like, "Oh, now it look like home." - Yeah. - Thanks. Fuck yeah, Ben Bankers.

Welcome back to the show, Ben. Thanks, buddy. Been a while. Yes, sir. You've been on the show numerous times. How long has it been since we last saw you? Been on one time in December of 2021. Oh, it was just once? Yes, sir. Wow, you're very memorable. I remember you. Thank you. What was it? November 2021? I was on the first Jared Nathan episode. Oh.

Oh, that's why I remember. Yeah. That was a very impactful episode. Yeah. We're both Canadian, but only he's retarded. That is true. He is fully blown, globally retarded, it's called. It's an actual condition. Ben, how's life been? Tell us about it. It's been crazy, actually. So after the first time I got on Kill Tony, like I found out like a month later, I got my girl pregnant.

Hey, look at that. In Texas, right after they made it illegal to kill it. So we had to go back to Canada to kill it. No. Yeah? No, we went back to Canada. How many COVID boosters did it take to kill the baby? I'll be honest, I wouldn't know because we kept the baby and we didn't give her any COVID shots because we're not... I know. I know you've had many abortions, but... What made you keep the baby? My mom...

had just recently got dementia. And I mean, I would have kept-- probably kept the baby anyway, but I felt like I was losing my mom. And I was just excited when I found out. So I wasn't-- I never really wanted to not keep the baby. Yeah. But your mom wouldn't even have been-- she would have forgotten all about this. Yeah.

Oh, you met the baby already. We told you this all the time. There's no better time to get an abortion than when you find out your mother has dementia. Yeah. The crazy part is when my mom started getting dementia, she told me about all the abortions she had had. Whoa. Looks like you're a survivor. Yeah, yeah.

And when we would take the baby to go see her at the home, she'd be like, you're not going to kill it, are you? She's like, you know, she's like, you can still kill that probably. Incredible. Ben, what do you do for work? I do comedy full time. Right. Full time. Nice. Nice. Good job.

All across Canada? So when I came here before, I had to get a bunch of paperwork to actually be able to work here. And I'm not woke, so they wouldn't give me all the gay accolades from Just for Laughs and all the other indigenous comedy festivals or whatever the fuck. Yeah, those things, they don't even exist anymore. So I just went crazy and posted a lot of my content, made two comedy specials that are on YouTube.

Yeah. Cut them up. Had some clips get over, you know, like 5, 10 million views and just started, you know, marketing myself doing fucking, you know, selling tickets. And now I do that in the States. I got on Fox News and got an agent somehow. Right. Which is kind of fucking crazy. There you go. Your last name is Bankus. Yes.

Ari, what do you think about the last name Bankers? I love it. Oh my God. It's peaking my interest. What are your current mortgage rates?

So, Ben, are you Jewish? My dad's Jewish, so technically I'm not Jewish. Isn't it crazy that he's Jewish and his last name is Bankers? Yeah. We love Bankers. Yeah. I'm going to have to explain that I'm not Jewish to a jihadi guy one day at the domain mall. Well, I think we pulled three of them out of a bucket tonight. They are kind of...

They're going to storm it and hold the gun to my head, and I'm going to be like, technically, by Jewish law, I'm not Jewish. They've taken our hijabs. It's true. It's true. They are cumin across the border every day. So, Ben, what else are you into? Tell us more about your life. What else is going on? So, well, I moved my family here to Austin, Texas. Nice. That's huge for a Canadian to be able to do that. Yeah, I escaped communism.

We also have, like, we, you know, it's diverse there, but we don't have black people. Like, I mean, we have Drake, but... Right. God's plan. He's also Jewish. But we don't really... Like, we have as many Indian people in Canada as America has black people. So it's, like, safer, but it smells worse. Right. Right. Yeah. Boy, the Indians are getting it tonight, huh? Yeah, they are. This is a...

This is a rough episode for the Indians. I do believe we call them the Guardians now. Ben, anything else we should know about? Tell us more. I mean, you're just a little fucking... You're a little... Fucking Jews. There you go. Are you worried about being... You want to know something really crazy? So today, I saw a fucking UFO.

Okay. That's pretty crazy. I mean, I'll show you later, but it's legit. That's what he calls Puerto Rican people. No, I wouldn't call the police. A lot of UFOs around here. Yeah. No, it was in the fucking sky. I was walking my dogs and my daughter. She's almost two. We're in the baby carriage walking in the neighborhood. And I just looked up.

And I saw one UFO. I tried to film it. But I have like my girl's dog is a piece of shit. So it's like fucking pulling me down. And then it like disappeared. So I was like, fuck. And then we just kept walking. And then I saw two more. And they were in a line going the same direction, correct? They were like, there was two and then the third one. Can I tell you something? It was fucking great. Can I tell you something? I was on mushrooms last Sunday. Okay.

A vast amount of mushrooms. Literally twice as much mushrooms that I wanted to be on, thanks to peer pressure from local Austinite Shane Gillis, who literally, I mean, this guy would not fucking take no for an answer. I've never been peer pressured like I was for double the mushrooms. He's so good at it. He literally stopped everything. He went for 10 minutes. I just said no. I'm like, no, I'm not going to. You don't understand. This is enough for me. He goes, dude, you have to do it. For 10 minutes.

10 minutes straight. He stopped everything. He turned off the music we were listening to. Everything. It was unbelievable. Dude, don't be gay. Exactly. Exactly. You're so gay. You're so gay. I'm going home. You're gay. I'm not even going to hang out. And I'm not hanging out anymore or ever again. And I'm not doing your show. You're not doing my show. We're not doing anything together ever again.

Ever again, I'm not your friend anymore. No more video games. No more swimming pools. No more boat trips. Nothing. We're not doing anything. You're going to do... Anyway. So I end up eating the double amount of mushrooms, and I see a UFO. And then I see another UFO, and they're all in a line together. And I go, oh, my fucking God. And then someone explained to me that Starlink, it's Elon Musk's system that goes directly over... It was during the day. Oh.

Right. Yes, it was during the day. Yes, I know. It's fucked up, bro. It was under the cloud and then went through it. I'll show you later. It was fucked up. I swear to God, bro. No, it was fucked up. Well, fucking send it to Redman. You can put the footage online and see what the fuck it is. Really? I swear to God, dude. Can I see it right now? I was sober, too. Is your phone locked? My phone's there. We got an unlocker. Let's give me his fucking phone. Let's go. I want to watch it.

Well, maybe it's terrible for this live show. I don't know. Watch it later. I'm going to see it at Midsies tonight. And then you're going to send them the... Actually, here, just show me real quick. Okay, all right. The fucking Starlink. I'm excited to see. Starlink is stuff that we have here in Austin. Elon Musk. It's Elon Musk. It's super satellite Wi-Fi. So this is not the actual video because...

Well, here's a dramatic rendering. Because you can't see it in the actual video because it's so fucking fast. Well, then what are we looking at? Show him this video. This is every UFO video anybody's ever shown. Show him that video first. Okay. Clouds. Hit play. Clouds.

You can't see anything. Well, why are you showing me a video if I can't see anything? Because you have to see how crazy this shit is, bro. How are we going to know? You just handed me a video. You said hit play and you go, you can't see anything. Okay, here we go. This is me screen recording what happened. Hold it straight. Oh, that's the arrow. I saw the play button over the clouds. I'm like, holy shit, look at that triangular object.

Oh, is that it? That's a fucking bird. Come on, man. Not a fucking bird, bro. This is how QAnon started. It's crazy. It's a helicopter. Dude, I saw it today and then I got on Kill Tony. I think it was probably Muhammad. We have a Kill Tony joke book that just so happens to have a fucking alien on it. What are the odds? Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Bankus, everybody. Hey.

Thank you, Ben. All right. We have one last bucket pool because we have not had a female comedian yet tonight. So I pulled names out of the bucket until we could get one up here. Equal opportunity, right, ladies? So make some noise. I do hope that this is a woman indeed. Make some noise for Treasure Jackson, everyone. Treasure Jackson. Hell yeah. Here we go. Treasure. I don't believe in necrophilia.

Who do you know that dies with their holes accessible? You know, the rigor mortis sets in. Somebody told me it makes it tighter, but I don't know anybody who's just died busted wide open. It's ridiculous. I actually came here to tell you guys something really important. If anyone has children here, it is very important that you protect your children.

There are rappers running up to your kids, not to molest them, they're trying to sample them for their songs. There's the kid who says, "Maybach Music," his mother drives a Honda. That child will receive no reparations and his mom will keep driving that Honda until it breaks down and she has to take one of those lemon lime scooters that you guys got. Last note, last note, very important. It is extremely important how you treat people because it will come back on you.

I met this dude and he told me... Oh shit, that is terrifying. Okay, well, I'm wrapping it up from there. All right. The dude said, all right, all right, all right. I met the dude and he told me that he may or may not have gotten someone pregnant when he was out of the country. And I chose to look at him as a person instead of the man who made that mistake. And then later on in the evening...

I farted. And he looked at me so disgusted. It was almost as if I had told him that I abandoned a child in a foreign country. Treasure Jackson. Hi, Treasure. Hello. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes. How long have you been doing stand-up? A year and a half. Okay, where at? All in Austin? All in Houston. Okay, that's where you live? Absolutely. How long have you been signing up for the show?

- This is the first time. - What made you pick today? - I finally could carpool with one other chick and some dudes that I trust. - Absolutely. - I fall asleep driving a lot. - Did they make you ride in the back of the car? - Of course they did, look at me. - Did you get a good Rosa parking job?

I did not. I didn't. Treasure, welcome to the show. What do you do for a living, Treasure? I'm an event coordinator at a comic book shop. Okay. Yeah. Okay. What kind of events are going on at the comic book shop? So we're going to have a manga workshop in August. A what workshop? Manga. Manga? It's like hentai, but not for perverts. Oh, you know about this. I'm out. That was it. Red Bad just got hard. Yeah.

Oh my God, it's haunted. What's that? Is your cigarette haunted? What? The sound sounded like it came from... It was Darth Vader. Okay. You know that's a woman that says Maybach music, not a kid. It's a woman talking to another woman. She goes, what is this music? I like, it's Maybach music. I like this Maybach music. Clearly I'm uninformed. Right. Were you adopted by white people? You seem very woke. Might as well have been. What? Might as well have been. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You kind of sound white.

I get that a lot. Yeah. You work at a comic book store that's white. It's actually the only black owned comic book store in Texas. It's a black comic book store? Whoa. Here's a fucking here's a premise for us to work with. Hell yeah. The ex-dads.

He's gone in a flash. Aquaman can't swim. My dad is the invisible man, actually. Oh, there you go. Half black.

No, he's fully black wherever he is. What? He's fully black wherever he is. Jail. Yeah. Nah, he's a snitch. Amazing. So what is it like at an all-black comic book store? Is there someone there to read for the people? It's not a literacy program. And there are pictures. We get a lot of... Very important.

Business hours 1230 to 1 o'clock.

We have a lot of indie comics, which is awesome. But then we also have a lot of mainstream stuff, too. Okay. It's a chill place to be. Very cool. It's very welcoming. Very cool. What's it called? Gulf Coast Cosmos. Gulf Coast. He wanted it to be bigger than Bedrock City, so he chose. Is that the white comic book store? No, it's like a chain. Oh, I don't know. Presumably white, I guess. Yeah. You're into comics. Mm-hmm. Right.

How long have you worked in that industry? I've been an event coordinator for a couple months. How old are you? 29. 29? Wow. Incredible. Yeah, I don't believe it myself. That is amazing. You're older than you seem. Yeah, I get that a lot. Yeah, you get all these things a lot. From my mom. Right. What does your mom do? She's a school bus driver. Oh, shit. Does she also ride in the back of the bus? Yeah.

Move your head, I can't see! It's a short bus. She drives it like the... Trying to get you little fuckers to school! She drives it like the fire truck with the back... It's a short bus. Oh, hell no. We ain't going to no fucking... I didn't write down the comic book store. Shit.

It is a short bus, so she's pretty close to the back, even when she's in the front. Right. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. She's got a big heart. She's got a big heart? Yeah, I couldn't do it. Right. She deals with mentally challenged kids? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, that's... That's probably why she had an easy time raising me. Right. Yeah, you were easy. It's a tough job. It's tough to drive a bus when someone's biting you. Yes. Yeah. Grow up. You guys grow the fuck up.

Getting paid $17.50 for this shit. It's worth it when you love what you do. Okay, Treasure, what's your love life like? You seem like you've dated an Asian boy before, am I correct? I have not. Okay. At this, wait. Yeah, no, you said dated, okay. A lot of white boys. You had a one night stand with an Asian guy? Wow, did you make him do the walk of shame?

You had a one-night stand with an Asian guy? It was during the day, so does that count? Wow. A one-day stand with an Asian guy. Just quick, huh? Just an Orient Express. I've never heard of such a thing. Asian guys normally are a little mellow. Do you took control of the situation? Mellow yellow. Whoa, very good. Ari, you're on an egg roll. Yeah. No more Mr. Rice Guy. No!

Oh my goodness. So the guy was in, I'm guessing he was in the urban comic book store? No, this was a while ago. Oh, so he was pretty egg-fu young. No comment. Sounds like a cold noodle to me. Where did this happen at? How does this go down? How do you have a one-day stand with an Asian guy? It wasn't one day. It was more like...

48 hours. That's too long. He kept getting horny every 15 minutes. After 15 minutes? 48 hours. This is the weirdest episode of the first 48 I've ever heard of. Which is often shot in Houston, by the way. Oh, yeah. So explain to us this thing with this Asian guy. 48 hours. How does that go down? It's the weirdest episode of Rush Hour I've ever heard of. Ha ha ha ha.

It's pretty awful that I don't remember how we met. But this was years ago in my defense. I'm quite old. I don't remember how we met. I just remember that we hit it off and we just hung out for 48-ish hours. Okay. And then the illusion fell and I was like, I don't like commitment. Right, you're like, I can't feel his penis. You remember his name?

Give him a shout out? If I had to think about it. Dickie! Maybe Rick Shaw? Nah. All right. General So? He was ex-military. Oh! But he was just General So-So. Okay.

Treasure. Craziest thing about your entire life. A fun fact about you that we would find interesting. You into anything other than stand-up comedy and comic books? Eating. I'm from Houston, so we just eat. Like right now, I have an enchilada that I'm really proud of. Oh my goodness. Congratulations. Yeah. No, I just mostly write. I do surf when I can. Okay. What type of surfing do you do? Basic ass surfing.

In the Gulf of Mexico? Oh, no. In

in South Padre and in Florida. And I actually served during peak shark season in Volusia County, which is like the worst. Yeah, I didn't find out until like an hour before I went, but I was like, well, I'm already... Jesus, all right. I'm emotionally invested now. Let her mom take you to school. My God. I grew up there. Shut the fuck up. I like the ocean too. Yeah.

Did you say Fallujah County, by the way? No, no, no, no. That was, I think you like reverse gentrified it with your ears. No. Cracker ass cracker. That's me. That's me. Volusia. So like her cousin, Volusia. Right. Is it Volusia? You grew up there.

There you go. Volusia. All right, this fucking guy. That's where all the sharks are. Glad we had to check in with him over here. He's my fact checker. I love it. Okay. Treasure. Fun stuff, Treasure. Thank you for coming on the show. You've been doing this for a year and a half? Yes.

Fun times. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book. You got it. There she goes. Treasure Jackson, everybody. Her Kill Tony debut. Adorable. Maybach Music is a woman. It's okay that she thought it was a kid. I thought the lead singer of Rush was a woman my whole life, up until I was like 19. Really? Thank you. You must be from Volusia. Shut the fuck up. All right.

Did we have fun with our regulars and our bucket pulls tonight? Am I right? Well, what can I say other than there's only one way to end an episode like this. Oh boy. It is with a man who has done it more than anybody else. The record holder all time for appearances, interviews, and absolutely everything in between. He is the reckoning. He is the great, great destroyer of worlds.

The leader of leaders. The Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula. This is indeed Lights Out, William Montgomery! I actually did a rim-to-rim on Red Band's fuckin' mom a couple nights ago. And that shit's nasty!

The jury convicted Hunter Biden on three gun possession felonies, and in a twist of fate, one of the main witnesses against him was his dead brother's widow he was fucking. But seriously, I don't think President Biden will be pardoning him since Joe forgot he even had a son.

One of Elon Musk's Neuralink employees is suing because they were forced to work with a herpes-infected monkey. And I just want you to know, Red Band, you will be getting a call from my lawyer, dude. They don't make porn dramas like they used to. You know those tearjerkers that turn you on but make you so sad? Friends become enemies, enemies become enemas. The bad news is mom divorced dad. The worst news is she married Bill Goldberg.

That's a scary wrestler. Okay, I thought Tony might like that one. Okay, that's my time. All righty. Thank you. Wow. I was literally the only person in the room that laughed at that. You were, Tony. That was hilarious. Yeah, that one was for you. Bill Goldberg got me good. Amazing set. Red Band really took the grunt to this one tonight.

Very fun. You are indeed the man. Are those new jeans, William? Those look like... Yeah, I got new jeans. I had my Wranglers for three years and finally got some new jeans a couple weeks ago. Yeah, Tony. I mean, things are kind of looking up. I also... My Game Boy emulator. I'm currently, Tony, playing three Pokemons at the same time right now. I'm playing Pokemon Crystal, Pokemon FireRed, and Pokemon Emerald. And I'm at about 24 hours on all three of those games right now. So...

Having a great time.

Wow. Yeah, it's been a lot of fun. And thank the Lord, because it was a real hell of a weekend. I was supposed to be in Hartford, Connecticut this past weekend. And fucking American Airlines, the flight gets fucking delayed 10 hours, so I missed that. So I spent $1,000 on a United flight for the next morning to do three shows. And I'm playing my Pokemon games, and I'm thinking, it's hot as fuck in this airplane. And we all had to get out, and they had to fix the air conditioner. So I wasn't able to go and just played more Pokemon.

Ever think you play too much Pokemon? Maybe you should consider buckling down, working harder. Yeah, no, I mean, right when I get off the stage tonight, I'm going back. I'm going to play some more tonight. I'm not even kidding. Oh, was that funny? Did you think that was funny? You look like somebody to be playing motherfucking Pokemon, you bitch! Whoa. No, I'm kidding. I'm just so pissed about the Hartford thing. It really was a nightmare, Tony. Right, you didn't get to go to one of the worst cities on planet Earth. Uh...

So explain to us, William, is there a reason why you didn't just take a flight to New York City and then drive an hour and 15 minutes to Hartford, Connecticut? I could. I was looking for flights into Hartford, Tony. I wasn't going to make it too difficult on myself. I mean, it was already difficult doing that. So what? And then in the future, I should look for a flight to New York City and then rent a car? Yes. Okay.

Yeah, you should fly. Just learn something. Okay, yeah, I did not do that this past time at all. You definitely didn't. It almost seems like you didn't really want to go to Hartford. No, no, Tony. No, I really did. Stop. I was really excited. What were you looking forward to doing? I actually have a baby mama in Hartford. Wait, what? Literally, yeah, yeah. It's weird. I'm finally, after five and a half years, I'm finally spilling the beans on this one. I have this other family. I have this other life, Tony, in Hartford.

Connecticut. Tell us more. Where did you meet this young lady? Oh, my gosh. Where did I not meet her, Tony? It was everywhere. It was love at first sight. It was Kroger's. It was...

Cecil's. That's another grocery store. It was... I was seeing her at all the grocery stores. We ended up falling in love. It was... You were just at Kroger buying some all-brand buds and... Well, I haven't been eating them recently, Tony. I had a horrible blowout today. What was the blowout? What do you mean? I...

Sit on the toilet. I don't even want to be hearing about this, but I swear to you, I'm sitting on the toilet. I do do some, and then I put my Pokemon up, and then I end up sitting back down, and it was a diarrhea explosion. And I've been eating a bunch of Papa John's recently, so it's probably that. How much Papa John's have you been eating? Ate a whole pizza on Saturday with the garlic sauce. Nice. So, yeah, I don't know. I was feeling delirious, Tony. I slept four hours. No, like eight hours, I think, at home.

Wow, you only got eight hours of sleep? This is terrible. In two days, Tony. I was delirious. It was just all bad. I'm having a real hard go of it right now. Wow. You were so delirious, you barely got home and ordered and ate an entire pizza? I was starving. I was really hungry. No, I was really starving, but...

So that's it. That's what I've been doing recently. It's kind of a nightmare. Yeah, Marty says funny. Yeah, it's kind of a... It's funny. Yeah. Yes, your life is funny. So do you get anything for the Pokemon? Does that pay? Like if you find them? No.

It's not an only thing. I've never done Pokemon. Me neither. You just upgrade them. I have three really powerful fire Pokemon right now. And I'm going through Bulbasaur's. I'm going through fucking... Plus all the pussy that comes with that, I would assume. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, that's all I've been doing. But Tennessee is actually in the College World Series. So are the Gators, my two teams. So I've been watching a bunch of baseball. Okay. Wow. Yeah, so it's been a real hectic past couple weeks. Yeah, it seems like it, William. So the Pokemon seems to be the main attraction in your life right now. Yeah.

Are you slowing down playing at all? The baby mama, does she like the Pokemon? She loves the Pokemon. Really? Yeah, I mean, sometimes I'm thinking maybe I'm going to stop playing the Pokemon or something. She's like, oh my gosh, you can never stop playing the Pokemon. No, but I don't know if I will. I don't know what's happening. It's one of his catchphrases. Oh, got it, got it, got it, got it.

Sometimes I have to lead him into it a little bit. I see. I have to coax him. Yeah, he's going to coax me sometimes. I see. Sometimes I'm not at the moon. Sometimes I don't feel it. He doesn't really do it himself. He makes me kind of tee him up a little bit. You think you're ever going to...

I don't think I'm probably ever going to... No, Tony, I know I'm ever going to stop! All right. There he is, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We love him. Make some noise for William, everybody. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel is in. It's amazing. Chris Rogers, what do you got over there? Oh, David Lucas, look at that. Fuck yeah. And that's an actual size photo. Wow.

Make sure you check out the Route 66 tour at RUgarbage.com. Mark, what are you plugging? Hey, hey, road dates. MarkNormanComedy.com. We might be drunk Tuesdays with stories. Praise Allah. MarkNormanComedy.com. Ari Shafir was here, everybody. I just came to announce my retirement from my dick on Kill Tony. It's only closed on from now on. I'm sorry. You guys are better. Only jokes from now on. Oh, no.

The dick is done. Nudity's done. That's in the past. I'm an adult now. Deal with it. That is sad to hear that we will not see Ari's dick and balls ever again. It's done. It's done forever. God damn it. That is a real shame. Damn. Here I was hoping and praying that it would go on forever and

You know? We had a good run, Tony, but it was childish and it's time to grow up, you know? These guys deserve better. They deserve well-written jokes from fucking open micers. There's people booing well-written jokes out there.

It was a time and place everybody, it's over. The dick is done from now on. I actually got a cease and desist from a child. They threatened to sue me. They said I exposed myself in front of a child. I had to plea to a fucking judge to never do it again. So it's done. Well, he's not allowed to do it anymore. I guess that is a chapter. One zipper closes, another one opens. How about a hand for Ari Shaffir retiring his junk.

Riding out on top. We'll never see it again. There's not a chance. There's no venue in the world which would call for Dick and Balls coming out. How about another hand for the best damn band in the land, huh?

This episode was brought to you by Game Time, Liquid IB, and Talkspace Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip, sunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. That is indeed his comedy club right down the street. No doubt about it. Still a couple tickets available for the first night of Madison Square Garden. I don't see why you wouldn't go. We're going to be there. And that's that.

We did it again. Thank you, everybody. H. Foley, Kevin Ryan, Mark Norman, Ari Shaffir. Thank you. Good night, everybody. We love you. Thank you. Good night. I want to be in your bed with you. I know you're not the best. To get to miss my dreams, to miss my call. I will travel across the land.

♪ Searching for the one ♪ ♪ Teaching Pokemon to understand ♪ ♪ The power that's inside ♪ ♪ Gotta catch 'em for real ♪

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.