#670 - SHANE GILLIS + JAMES MCCANN
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Revan, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! We made it!

Welcome everybody! Make some noise for Red Band! And the best damn band in the land, they are here! Fernando Castillo! Carlos Sosa! Michael Gonzalez! Nachos Belgrande! Matt Muehling! John D's and D Madness! We are back, the full fucking band! Holy shit! Esteban Vallejo!

It's so hard to remember these fucking Mexicans names. I work with them every week. It's impossible. I swear to God, you try it. Try it without looking. Remember all four of their fucking names. It's impossible. It's too much. It's too much. We need something to break the fucking... I don't know. It's just too goddamn much.

Welcome to Kill Tony, everybody. You're here at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Shopify. Everybody, you go to shopify.com slash killtony. You get a dollar, $1 for a month-long trial period from Shopify. There you go. There you go. Ka-ching! We have a great show planned for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. ♪♪

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Huh? You know, every single week I book this show. I pick who sits in these seats and sometimes it's

an up and coming headlining comedian who we like to introduce to you. And sometimes it's some of the biggest comedians on fucking planet earth tonight. My friends is both. I am happy to present to you ladies and gentlemen for the entirety of its show tonight. Your two guests are James McCann and Shane Gillis. Fucking damn right.

- Wow. - You're goddamn motherfucking right. James McCann, welcome to the show. - Thank you for having me, what a joy to be here at the Kill Hot Dog. - He sounds like that. - Yeah, hot dog. - He sounds like that, that's his real voice. He's from Australia, Shane found him in Australia and saved his life. - That's true, that's not a joke, that's true.

He is the host of the James McCann, James, it's the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. It is the worst name in podcast history. We're keeping it small. We don't want too big an audience, you know? I love it. James, welcome. Shane Gillis is back, ladies and gentlemen. Tires on Netflix, killing it.

His specials on Netflix, killing it. Everything's killing it. We did the Staples Center a couple weeks ago in LA. We had fucking fun. Things are going good. I'm still depressed. Yeah. But that's all right. Who cares? Right? I don't know.

Love it. We're going to have fucking fun tonight. Shane, a veteran guest of the show. James' first time at the big table. And James, you might not know, but 221 human beings signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get picked out of this bucket if they get pulled out. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand-up. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And that interrupts their set. And then I interview them. We find out more about them all together. And that's how the show goes. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Wow, wow, wow.

I'm gonna pre-pull a name and we're gonna wrangle them from the bar across the street. Poor choices. And while that is happening, we have a person who's going to get the show started. We have a new rotating opening position, so you never know who's going to open the show. This is this guy's first time as an official regular on the show.

So, he became a legend only a few weeks ago, being the first person to be on this show eight times in one episode. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Drew Nickens! ♪ He's a true, true Nickens, he's a true one ♪ ♪ He's a true, true Nickens, he's a true one ♪ ♪ He's a true, true Nickens, he's a true one ♪ ♪ He's a true, true Nickens ♪ ♪ He's a true, true Nickens ♪ - All right. I haven't been on a date in two years.

The last time I went on a date was to the movie Sing To. Now, I was so excited, but I didn't want to be a pedophile, so I brought someone with me. Now, I was so excited, we shotgun Red Bulls in a parking lot. I go to the ticket office, and I'm like, Tooth for Sing To! And I'm so excited. And then I realized, there's people smiling, there's people telling my date thank you. And then I realized...

They think that's my special needs chaperone. They just caught any chance of me getting a kiss on the cheek. So I owned it. I got a free sticker. I got a sipping cup. You know, I was happy. They can't tell a retarded guy not to talk during the movies. Oh, my God. The gorillas are back. Yeah.

Thank you all so much. That's been my time. Exactly one minute. I love this. You guys gave him his own theme song? I love it. Shane, this is your first time seeing Drew Nickens. Yeah. That was...

I mean, that was great. Really, the energy backstage was... This isn't an act. Right. We were standing back there. He was like, let's fucking go! It's like fucking D-Day back there. Yeah. Man, you're a lucky man, too. Often when people get the brain damage, they become sad and unusual, but you've got, like, just joy. You only see me for two hours. Don't worry! Yeah.

We can get grilled cheese later, Shane. Hell yeah. There you go. I've been on the chaperone date myself, dude. Very relatable stuff. You don't get a handy. You do not get a handjob. No, everyone's going to think they're jacking off, you know.

Drew Nickens blasting off with a brand new minute. How does it feel? How's life going for you? So last week, Mr. Tony, you didn't tell me that I was going to be a rotating regular. So I'm at the curtain and you said that. I was like, please don't cry before you do your minute. So everything has been so amazing. Everybody has been so gracious and kind. It's so awesome to be here. Thank you guys so much.

It has been a mind-blowing experience. That's right. How do you guys feel about the set? Because you guys got fucking drenched. They were. They were in the splash zone for sure. Gallagher's back. I love it. Y'all need some ponchos maybe next time. I think poncho is one of the horn players.

I love it. So, Drew, life is good. Very exciting stuff. Any chicks and fucking knocking at the door yet? Any chicks like DMs or anything? No, go ahead. I got titties in my DMs for the first time, everybody. They were real, but I'll take them. Yeah. Yeah. You know, they don't need to be real.

There's nothing natural about you. Why should the tits be real? I love it, Drew. Have you treated yourself with anything on all this great news that's happening? You're going to be, no doubt, a ticket-selling superstar. Everything's happening all at once for you. I got underwear at Ross! You got underwear? Hell yeah. I'm wearing them, but I won't show you guys.

Well, I mean, what's the band look like? Let's see the band. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. He's made of pubic hair, ladies and gentlemen. There's pubes everywhere. I have so many pubes. I've never seen pubes start above a belly button before. So when I got my appendix out about a year and a half ago, I didn't realize that you got a shave before that. So I woke up.

And they shaved my pubes and it was really hot, nurses. So I was like, good lord. Did you get hard? That was a lot, yeah. Mostly pubes. Like a scarecrow.

Drew, you are the real fucking deal. I'm so excited to have you in the rotation. You're a fucking, you're a saint. I love you. You might be one of the most goddamn likable human beings in the history of the show. Welcome to the Kill Tony family. You got it started tonight. Drew Nickens, everybody. I pull another name.

We wrangle them. And now to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Now, as you may know, this is where shit gets a little fucking crazy. This could be, this is where we found all of our regulars. Every golden ticket winner that's ever happened. They all come out of the bucket. Also the craziest people that have ever been on this show. Some people don't prepare. Some people have waited a decade for this. Some people just started two weeks ago. Some people are good. Some people are bad.

We're gonna meet it all together, all at once. Your first comedian, an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight going to Lucas Cop, everyone. Lucas Cop. Let me open by saying I'm different than any comic you've ever seen. I'm different than any comic you'll see tonight because I am not suicidal. I'm not. Don't get me wrong though, I feel the same way when I touch a gun as I do when I touch a titty. I want it in my mouth.

I'm joking. I would never shoot myself. I would never shoot myself. But I would go hunting in my furry costume. Like, I wouldn't jump into a car compactor and let it slowly squeeze the life out of me, but I would go to a Travis Scott concert. I would be happy to be there. Did you guys know Dr. Seuss used to emotionally abuse his wife? Isn't that kind of funny? If you're gonna be emotionally abused by anybody, that's the guy. You know? Red fish, blue fish, you've been gaining weight, bitch. You look terrible.

Horton, here's a who. And every day I have to hear you. Every day. This is getting ridiculous. I am different than other comics, though. Like, I had a good childhood. A lot of comics didn't. A lot of them were tied to radiators and shit. Not me. Not me. I had a good stepdad. My stepdad was actually the first person to get me into sports. Like, he taught me and my mom how to box. She sucked, though. Thank you, guys. Yes. All right. Lucas Cop. Coming out guns a-blazin'.

Fuck yeah, Lucas. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years now. Four years. Where are you from? Portland. Portland, Oregon. And you still live there? Yeah, I want to go. I want to leave eventually. It's kind of on fire. Yeah, no doubt. We know. You're the only guy in Portland that's not suicidal, according to you. No, it took a lot of time. Absolutely. What do you do for work? I'm a longshoreman. I work on the docks. Okay. Dock worker. Okay. What do you do on the docks? I kind of drive a big truck. They load the boxes on it, and I...

You drive a truck. I drive a truck. Right. Yep. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. Very good. James? I love that you went with the Dr. Seuss gear, the light and friendly stuff, after the suicidal thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like trying to finger somebody after you've had a whole watermelon up there. Yeah. You can...

I'm trying to work on that. I like to put the watermelon in, you know. Yeah, but it's a lot. It is a lot. But I'll pray for you. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you, man. I was just in Portland. That was the weirdest city I've been to in America. How'd it go? How were our crackheads? So many gay homeless people. Yeah. Yeah. They fused the gay and the homeless. How do you know they're gay? Man, I saw a man sashaying across the park with a club. They probably thought we were gay. It was me and James. Yeah.

That homeless guy was probably like, "Those two fucking gay guys." That's why he didn't attack us. Yeah, yeah. We were going to a bookstore. That is gay. Since being in Austin, my friend made a joke about reading and someone haggled me. He said, "You read books, faggot?" That was my first experience in this city. I love it. It's pretty funny. Yeah. It's a good town.

So you live in Portland. You've lived there your whole life. Yeah, 24, 25. And you're wearing a Dallas T-shirt and a Los Angeles hat. I went to... Look, I'm a confused guy. I might be gay too. I don't know. I know how you feel. Yeah. I've been through a lot. Shut the fuck up.

He's not gay. Not gay. Ooh, you're doing a reverse thing tonight. I'm being nice. Oh my goodness. He's not gay, dude. This is my lawyer, Shane Gillis. Gillis and Gillis, attorneys at law. Lucas, tell us something about your life that makes you different that we'd be surprised to know about you. Perhaps the way you were raised or something. My dad loved meth. My dad loved meth until I was 12 years old and I didn't know. I really just thought he was fun.

I thought he was excited all the time. Yeah. He wasn't. Love it. He was on meth. Did he get off meth? Yeah, he's very sober now. He's a big AA guy now. Oh, wow. It's kind of worse. Yeah, it is. Did your dad get noticeably less fun as a child? Like, did you... Yeah, I guess. Yeah, he stopped, like, dancing everywhere he went, you know. And now he goes to as many AA meetings as I go to open mics. Yeah, he's doing spots. Yeah, he is. Yeah.

So is he just the most interesting guy at AA meetings with his meth habit? He kills. He kills at those AA meetings. Do you think he's confessed about you in his meetings? He's been like, my fucking gay son's doing comedy. Probably. I have an unloyal son who represents Dallas and Los Angeles while living in Portland.

I went to the Dallas game in Dallas. We went to watch in the stadium, and I was wearing a Houston jersey, and I started feeling glares. It was a dumb move. I liked the jersey. I had Clyde Jexler on it. I'm from Portland. God damn it.

I had to buy this shirt. Were they playing the Trailblazers? No. Or the Rockets, I mean? It's the playoffs. They were playing the Celtics. All right, so you just wore a random jersey to a different game? I was like, it's a basketball jersey. I'm going to wear a basketball jersey to the basketball game. You wore a Houston Rockets jersey? Look, man, I haven't been in Texas very long. As soon as I started having black dudes come at me all crazy, I was like, I'm sorry. They weren't playing the Celtics. What, today? Not in Dallas. No, I was watching them.

- Got you, ass. - It's a viewing party in the stadium. - Oh, okay. - When you say black dudes were coming at you, what were they doing exactly? - I was having sex with them, Tony. I'm from Portland.

Was that weird for you to meet black people if you're from Portland? This has been the most black people I've ever seen in my life since being in Texas. Yeah, there weren't a lot of black people. No. In Portland. You guys have more murals of black people than black people. You guys paint them all the time. Black Lives Matter. Why won't any of them move here? What are we...

Well, Lucas, any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? Special skills or talents? I wish I could sing. Nah, man, I don't know. I really wish I was talented. This is the best as it gets sometimes. I was a UPS driver. I can drive a truck well. God, I can drive a truck well. I'm really good at manual labor. I've been great at it for years. Really? It doesn't seem like you're built for it. What's your ethnicity exactly?

I'm actually like I thought I was Italian my whole life like my family my middle name is Giovanni because my family wanted us to be Italian so bad uh-huh we're German wow we're German I grew up Catholic you know what I mean I'm wearing two chains still you know okay that's right yeah that's what I'm talking about I'll fuck with you your last name is cop when the black guys were coming at you did you have an urge to hurt them

Yeah, I always do. I get nervous. I'm like, I always have my hand here, but there's nothing there. There's nothing there, especially a wallet after you ran into those guys. Yeah, you're right. Lucas, you did very good for a bucket pull. Here's a big joke book. Lucas Cop, ladies and gentlemen, getting it started out of the bucket tonight. That's a hell of a start. Thanks so much for Lucas. Hello and good evening. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify.

Spaghetti and meatballs, Abbott and Costello, Hinchcliffe and Red Band. These are duos that got it done. But what about the perfect duo when it comes to growing your business? Well, I can tell you, that's you and Shopify. Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business. From the launch your own online shop stage to the first real life store stage, all the way to the did it, we just hit a million orders stage. Shopify is there to help you grow from there.

all-in-one e-commerce platform to their in-person pos system wherever and whatever you're selling shopify's got you covered red band shopify helps you turn browsers into buyers with the internet's best converting checkout up to 36 better compared to other leading commerce platforms and sell more with less effort thanks to shopify magic your ai powered all-star tony i love shopify

They truly make it easy to set up an online store no matter how big you want it to grow. Shopify gives you everything you need to take control and take your business to the next level. That's right, Red Band. Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. Plus, Shopify's extensive help resources are there to support your success every step of the way because businesses that grow, grow with Shopify.

Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash kill Tony, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash kill Tony now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash, you guessed it, kill Tony. Mixed Monster, next comedian, everybody. We're going to meet them all together. Jeffrey Lee, everybody. Jeffrey Lee. Oh, shit. Look, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. Hello, everybody.

Uh, get a little personal. I, uh, I suffer from extreme ED. European depiction. That's a pro-black Jesus joke, everybody. Uh, okay, so moving along. Do I look like I live in a van? So I don't look homeless.

That's great news. That's great news. I gotta make a real concerted effort around these parts. Alright. Okay, is that time? No, I don't know. Is there a clock? Are you done? Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'm sorry. Sure. Jeffrey Lee.

It's a very giving audience tonight. Oh, thank you. Jeffrey, welcome to the show. Are you aware, is that blood all over your leg? Oh, thank you for noticing. Is there a doctor in the house? What is that? I thought you got nailed to the cross earlier. Oh, my God.

A very giving audience. A very giving audience. True. That's pretty funny. Jesus was born in a manger. You live in a van. How's life going, Jeffrey? Pretty good. I'm doing it on purpose. What? Did you pawn all the frankincense and myrrh? Do you have any apostles? Oh, I do have a lot of best friends, but...

Okay. Jeffrey, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? About three and a half, four years. Three and a half, four years. Where at? Started in Cleveland. Started in Cleveland? Mm-hmm. And mostly in Cleveland. Mostly in Cleveland. I did do some sets in Chicago, Nashville. Jerusalem. Jerusalem.

Hallelujah. If you're going to fucking do it, do it. Jesus fucking. A sleepy head over here. My God. Oh, you're over it? Good. I'm glad you're over it. We're at home. Moving forward with all of your creative nature. Jesus Christ. Lord's name. He's right there. It's good Jesus Christ. I love it. Absolutely. So, uh, okay. So Jeffrey, what do you do for work? Uh,

We've been there. Carpenter. Listen, I recently took up the occupation of a ranch hand. That's how I burned my leg, I think. Yeah, kind of a carpenter. Carpenter. You're Dirtball Jesus. Turns water into Munster Energy Drink. That's all I got. That's all I got. Carpenter.

Oh, God. I love it. Okay, so Jeffrey, where do you live now? In my van. Right. Where's the van right now?

It's actually down the street. Okay. All right. You locked it up? Tight. Yeah. What's the most expensive thing that you keep in your van? I'd rather not discuss that. No one's going to follow you. You have a diseased leg, Jeffrey. I don't know if you know this. It is heavily. I think that's going to be gangrene soon.

I've been thinking about medical attention. You really have no idea. Yeah, you gotta consider that. Yeah. You really, are you joking or you literally have no idea what that is? Um, I'm pretty sure it's a burn. A burn? Yeah. Well, you would, did you get burned? It was very hot that day. Were you fighting the devil or something? Come on. Took the old pitchfork to a shin.

Kinda, it was like I was staking rock and I think I kinda scraped it a little bit. It's hard being a ranch hand, Tony. I don't know if you've ever been a ranch hand before. I have worked on Brokeback Mountain, so I know all about it. I thought you were straight.

It's okay, that's a... You drove down from Cleveland today for this? Oh, no, no, no. I've been here for a little minute. For like a month. Yeah. Right. In the heat? It's 100 degrees every day and you're in a van. It was a bad idea. I just wanted to come down and try to get on Kill Tony and I got that out of the way. How long have you been in Austin? Yeah, much respect. For like a month, like five weeks. You've been signing up for five weeks. Well, you were gone. Right, right.

So that was unfortunate. I told everybody, hey, help me get here so I can sign up. And then you couldn't even sign up. Right. And then on the third day, you rose again. So stupid. So stupid. Jeffrey, you're a ranch hand. Let me get this right. Where in Cleveland exactly are you a ranch hand? No, I did the ranch hand stuff here. Okay. This is all a day ago. That's new. That's a day ago. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, there's a pus bubble on the bottom there. Any chance... This is a crazy question to the Kill Tony fan base. Any chance there's an actual doctor out there? Is there a doctor? What kind of doctor are you? Physician assistant. Could we do better? Can you diagnose for that? No, please. No, please.

Now that is funny. Literally a beggar being a tutor. There's a saying against this exact thing. Heal your own leg. James, what was your question? What did you ask him? No, I said he should heal himself, but we should get this... The past scares me. I'm the closest to it and I feel the most weird, I think.

A physician assistant is good. I mean, no one else spoke up, so I apologize. Take a gander at that, though. Is there anyone higher ranking than a physician's assistant? Make some noise. What? Oh, that's all we got. Thank you, sir. All right. There's a spokesman for the audience. That's all we got. He checked everybody's occupation on the way in. Oh, my gosh.

So it's down to a physician's assistant or a Mexican trombone player. So physician's assistant, can you have a diagnosis of that? Okay, sir, Jesus, turn around. What would the diagnosis on this be? She put on her glasses for this. Cellulitis. Cellulitis? So what would he need for that?

Some peptides? Cath- Cathlex. Antibiotics. Antibiotics. Antibiotics. Same way you have antibiotics. I've also got a thing on my foot if you wouldn't mind hanging out. I've been scratching the mosquito bites and they sort of form one big mosquito bite and... Absolutely disgusting. Jeffrey, very very interesting stuff. Why not pants though?

The internet said keep it uncovered. Really? Yeah. So you looked it up on the internet. Hey, I have a boil on my leg. I'm about to do Kill Tony. I really kind of was hoping next week, not this week, but here we go. You work in mysterious ways, you know?

It is incredible, Jeffrey. Oh, dear. Anything else crazy about your life we'd find interesting about you? Oh, uh... Um, sure. Uh... I don't want to rap. You what? I could be a rapper. What do you mean you could be a rapper? I could say I rap, and then I could rap. Do you rap? Yeah.

This is the worst way to answer this ever. You're a fan of the show, right? Yeah, yeah. That's why I said like, it popped in my head. Anything at all, though, it doesn't have to be like, you don't have to pretend like you're a rapper. That would be psychotic. No, no, I really do have really good rhymes. Do you rap? I have great rhymes. Okay, well then you would say that I rap. Okay. All right.

Look at Michael and say it. Nice and easy, Michael. Nice and easy. There you go. I want to be able to hear this. All right, all right. Here he is, Jesus Christ, ladies and gentlemen. Really, Kanye West? Oh, man, all right.

This is your part, buddy. Right here. I wasn't playing on freestyle. I wanted it written. Hold on, hold on. Let me get it corrected. Corrected. What's the inflection? I think my leg has a deadly infection. Help me now, help me now, help me now. Help me now, help me now, help me now.

P.S. I heard Drake was a fan Yeah he's a fan, he's a fan, he's a fan What you think when I beat the man? Put it in the man, oh yeah, jump the jam Pump, pump, pump, inflate the flation Fuckin' up the peep, you see it on the street Sex gettin' weak, oh yeah, it's gettin' sick You see it all the time and you see it in the peeps Eyes, oh yeah, they mumblin' by Wonderin' why you smell the piss, eh

Okay. All right. I'm going to stop you there, Jeffrey. Oh, you're getting a big joke book, Jesus. There he goes. Jeffrey Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Fun times. He should have stopped at the deadly infection part. Just left us wanting more. Hello and good evening. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify.

spaghetti and meatballs abbott and costello hinchcliffe and red band these are duos that got it done but what about the perfect duo when it comes to growing your business well i can tell you that's you and shopify shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business from the launch your own online shop stage to the first real life store stage all the way to the did it we just hit a million order stage shopify is there to help you grow from there

all-in-one e-commerce platform to their in-person POS system wherever and whatever you're selling, Shopify's got you covered. Red band. - Shopify helps you turn browsers into buyers with the internet's best converting checkout up to 36% better compared to other leading commerce platforms. And sell more with less effort thanks to Shopify magic, your AI-powered all-star, Tony. I love Shopify.

They truly make it easy to set up an online store no matter how big you want it to grow. Shopify gives you everything you need to take control and take your business to the next level. That's right, Red Band. Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. Plus, Shopify's extensive help resources are there to support your success every step of the way because businesses that grow, grow with Shopify.

Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash killtony, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash killtony now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash, you guessed it, killtony. Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. We're flying through them tonight. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jake Coulter, everybody. Here comes Jake. Jake.

So people tell me all the time that I have chicken legs Like it's a choice But how else am I supposed to attract black women? There's one black lady right now that can't take her eyes off them

And she's on the keyboard. I feel like WWE is just like a female orgasm. If I enjoy myself, I don't really care if it's fake or not. Jake Coulter, I'm gonna cut you off right there. Wow, amazing set. Absolutely incredible.

Is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Jake. That was an absolutely incredible set. How long you been doing stand-up? Since September. Since September. I love it. How old are you? I am 25. 25. And what is... You have some kind of condition or something?

You got a little wobbly left hand and a little speech something. What's going on with you? I am very nervous. Oh, that's it? That's it? I thought he was going to say a light case of cerebral palsy. Oh. We could say that, too. If I'd let it. Hey. Absolutely. There's not, for real, nothing? I don't think so. I mean, I'm not a doctor, but it could be. Well, good for you. We have a physician's assistant here. Oh.

Physician's assistant, would you say that his condition is nervousness? What do you got for this one? Bro, say you have something, you'll be a regular. Did you get extra nervous because the last guy was very leg heavy and then your first joke was about legs? You were maybe worried there's going to be too much about legs here tonight.

I had no idea that happened but now I'm worried about it. I wanna see your legs now. That's a good leg. That's a healthy leg. Oh yeah. Those really aren't chicken legs at all. But the pants do a good job at covering it up. I don't want them shits. Thank you. I chose them myself. What'd you say? I don't want them shits. He doesn't want them shits. Because they're not chicken legs. Fuck out of here.

It was very fun to see you extremely nervous tell a very, very racist joke. It was pretty great. Oh, so that joke was actually the first joke I ever told. And I wound up just going to a random open mic at the Signature Bar in Richmond. And...

We don't know what that is. Can you describe that to us? Oh, so the signature bar is the name of the bar, Richmond. It's right outside of Houston. Uh-huh. Is that a very black population? Well, yeah, but I didn't realize it until I got on stage because I was so...

Yeah, I was so nervous going over my set over and over and over again and my whole set was about being a white guy dating black women. How it's great because they'll assume when they marry me that their credit score will get higher. And I applied for credit cards like they were college applications because I didn't know they affected the credit score. Right.

Okay. Yeah. So, Jake, is that true? Do you date black women? Yes. Really? I know. This is shocking to me. It's fucking real life Kip. How many black women do you think you've been with? I've been with three. Three black women. Oh, my God. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I think we can all agree. Oh.

Yeah, that is incredible. And you went all the way with them. Full intercourse. Yes. Yeah. And do you have any... Yeah, go ahead. I was about to say, so you actually talk about a theory on here about black women having warmer... Yes. Pussies. Yeah. Yeah. Do you agree with my theory? Yes. Absolutely. It's true. It's true.

Little fun fact for all you little Texans that have never tried the old Hershey sauce. You know what I mean? It's a little bit different out there. D Madness has heard enough. He's gone. He's going to get some black pussy right now. He can't take another second. He was so offended he could see. And he left. No. You say chicken legs three times. D Madness takes a run for it.

- So there's actually a science behind that theory though because like you know how you're told to wear brighter clothes in the summer to reflect heat? - Yes. - Because darker colors absorb more heat. - Yes, somehow this is the most racist part of your appearance tonight. - No! - Go ahead, continue. - So same thing applies to skin color 'cause black women-- - We know where you're going with this. We're already ahead of you on this. - Where did you find this information?

Chat GPT. Chat GPT. He went to chat BET. Chat EBT. He went to chat KFC. It's incredible. Say it into the mic. It was so bad, it's funny.

When you go to chat NBA or something. Oh my God. So Jake, tell us, do you have any special moves in the bedroom when you're... No, I just do what I'm told. Absolutely. Goddamn right. You don't need a physician. Give me 50 bucks.

Oh shit. True, yeah. How many of these are any of these business transactions? Has anybody ever asked you for anything? The women that you've been with? Oh, no. Okay. So what do they ask you to do? What do they tell you to do, Jake? What do the black women in the bedroom tell you to do exactly? And say it how they would say it. This is Kill Tony.

Wait, I can't answer that, I don't think. Okay, so when you're in the bedroom with a black woman and they tell you what to do, you said that you do what you're told to do in the bedroom. What do they ask you to do? But when you say it, say it...

how they say it. Do an impression of a black woman asking you, telling you what to do in the bedroom. - You're trying to get this man canceled on his first appearance on your show. - No, I'm very upset. I had such a good first day and you're trying to get me canceled. - Do the black lady! - I'm sorry! - Don't, don't, don't, don't. - Don't do it. - I know, that's why I'm looking at Shane. - Nah, you should. - Do it.

Become legend, bro. Yeah, be a legend. Shane and I technically both got cancelled before our careers really started as well, so you can go right ahead. Do it. Do it. As black as you possibly can. Oh, do it. Deez is giving you permission. I'm even playing black blues music for you, bro. Come on. Here it comes, ladies and gentlemen. This is Jake Coulter doing an impression of a black woman telling him what to do in the bedroom.

Are they all nervous too? Yes. Ah, do it down there. Good night, mate. You fucking chimney sweeps? The fuck was that? I'm not good at impressions. I'm not an impressionist.

"Hey, I'm a black woman!" "Sick! Get down there and eat my pussy!" "I'm just a typical old black woman!" "Let me see those delicious chicken legs!" "I've got the warmest pussy in this side of Oxfordshire!" God damn, this is a good show. Jesus Christ.

Thank God. I could just talk with you forever about black women. This is incredible. We have a lot of catching up to do, Jake. I know. Wow. So, you said September you started, so you haven't even been doing this a year. No, but I've been watching you for two years and taking notes in your advice. Very good. You're doing very good. Where do you live? Huh? Where do you live? In McDade.

But what? You got really nervous there. In McDade? In McDade. Yeah. Well, it's called McDade. I call it McDad because I feel like then I could tell girls I could be their McDaddy. Oh, my God. This is a fucking pimp. This guy is an absolute fucking baller with your little wobbly left hand.

Look, you have no idea what to do with that hand. Look at you. You're grabbing onto your pocket. You're wiggling around, touching your own fingers. You have no idea what to do with that fucking thing. I know, because every time I practice, I practice holding the mic in this hand. What do you do with that hand? Let's see what happens if you hold that. What do you do with that hand? Oh, shit. Cerebral palsy. You have no... Do both. Just do both. Oh, Shane giving you permission to do the patented... Whoa!

Oh my god In the history of stand-up comedy There might be nobody more fitting ever To use both hands on a microphone And you just got permission From the fucking The true mac daddy Of both hand microphone holding There she goes

It works. You have been blessed on this day. An amazing performance, an amazing interview. Here's a big joke book. Jake Coulter, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Amazing.

We're having too much fun here. We're gonna get one more bucket pull out of the way here. We're gonna meet them all together. We got a lot of momentum right now. Make some noise. 60 seconds from Abe Flores, everyone. Abe Flores. All right. Thank you very much. So, I'm Mexican, and it's a good time to be Mexican. Unless, of course, you were born in Mexico. Okay.

Half of my family really hates that joke. You can imagine which half, you know what I'm saying? There's a bit of tension among the family, just a little bit of tension. Those who only speak Spanish expect the rest of us to speak it perfectly. And yeah, yo hablo espanol, but just because I speak the language doesn't mean I know every word. For instance, the word girth. I have no idea how to say girth in Spanish. And no, of course I've never looked it up.

Because that would be gay as hell. Alright, thank you guys. I'm Abe Flores. Hell yeah. Finally, someone just eats it up here. We've been waiting for you, Abe. Well, really good to be here, man. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. It's a shame you're not the Abe that got shot in the head while at a show.

Welcome, Abe. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Well, I've been writing for about a year, man. I just got back from Mexico City, so I haven't been at mics and stuff like that. So this is what? How'd you get up here? I put my name in a bucket, man. So this is basically your first time in front of a live audience? Yeah, I do music, so I perform, but I've never tried jokes out, man. This is a very different thing. Yeah, it sure is, isn't it?

How long have you been writing? Two years, you said? A little over a year. A little over a year. Yeah, jokes, just like, you know. Sure. What do you do for work? Well, I tutor people in Spanish, algebra, geometry, things like that. Okay. James McCann. When you said half your family hates that joke, you know what I mean. What did you mean by that? Yeah.

The ones who were born in Mexico. Okay. Yep. So some were born here, so you were born here? Right, right. Why don't I? I'm asking you. Yes, that is correct. I was born here. Are we supposed to know your story? No, no.

Are you very famous in Mexico? Are you a telenovo man? No, no. You look like you could be a telenovo superstar. The most I've ever done is like been an extra in like a movie. You know, like very minor things. Excelento. What did you play in a movie?

Oh no, like I played a bartender once. Okay. That was like... Did you train in acting? Did you take a class or anything like that? Never taken a class. Done like music videos and stuff like that to like my own music. Been in a couple of other short films. That's it, man. So you did some... What characters were you in short films? One time I played a guy named Moe. He was like... Let me ask you this. Let me get to my point here. The Simpsons? What?

A bartender named Bo? Simpsons in me bar. Simpsons. I'm asking you a lot about acting right now, Abe, because I'm curious with all of your acting experience if you could play...

A black woman telling you to do something in the bedroom. Can you do an impression of a black woman telling you to do something? You could save your whole fucking set, bro. Yeah. Okay, all right. All right, here he is. Hold on. Let's get the lighting right. This is Abe Flores pretending to be a black woman telling him what to do in the bedroom. That is not my job. Okay, that's very good. What the fuck, man? Need to do it in a racist way.

Good lord! You didn't like that? No, it was great. No, it was actually really, really good. No matter what you said, I wouldn't say that. Let me just ask you something. When you say, that is not my job, what is she implying during that? What's going on in that scene to where she, of all the things... I know exactly what's going on in that scene. He's exactly right.

Abe, answer my question. What is she telling you is not your job? Honestly, man, I don't know where I heard this from. This was like in a show or something. Okay. If somebody knows it, please, please blurt it out. I think it's every gas station. I have heard black women say that at the airport a lot. Yeah, every place of work. It's beautiful to find a Mexican who... That was way more racist than I thought it was going to be. Yeah, it's gone bad. I apologize already.

Taking the heat off you, brother. Thanks, man. I'm going to put it back on you. What were you implying that the black woman was saying during... Go ahead. That was the first thing that came to mind, man. I wish I had a better answer. Okay, very good. Yeah. Very good. Abe, what do you do for a living? I tutor people. Oh, that's right. I asked you that. What do you do musically? You've been bringing up this music thing. Yeah, I make reggaeton. Do you know what that is? No.

Yeah, that's a tunnel Italian pasta. Am I correct? A little rigatone? Rigatone, yes. Okay. It's like a very um... So when you say you make rigatone, what exactly do you mean you make it? On a computer or...? Exactly, yes. Oh, okay. So like sometimes we sample things. Computador.

Sometimes we'll sample music, sometimes it's just like, you know, going in there, recording actual instruments, playing with melodies, right? Just, you know. It's all just on a computer. Most of it is. You don't do anything live or sing anything or do anything. I sing, I rap a little bit. Let's hear a little reggaeton. Play along here. Do you really, really want some?

Are you ready? Here's a little rap, okay? It's a little political. Alright, alright.

Living in cages, simply outrageous Jungle is dangerous Minimum wage, slaving away in a place with no say Blast that banana, turn it to sane After some goes down the streets are unsafe Apes out here blasting bananas, trying to get paid Made to believe there is no other way I get why we blasting but

Do you really really want to? Okay, alright, alright. That song is called "Blast That Banana." Are you... are you an Indian guy? You're a fucking Indian guy. I'm not an Indian guy, no. That's the other half of his family. Oh shit. When you're making a political rap about apes blasting each other with bananas...

Do you want to explain what that's about? I got a theory, but... Yeah, so... Maybe don't tell anybody what that's about. That was off of a project that I released about a year ago called Abe the Ape. And it's, like, all, like, literally just a bunch of double entendres about, you know, blasting bananas and... Yeah. Yeah.

Because of Planet of the Apes or because of black people? That's what I'm asking. Oh, God, no, no. Because I don't know. No, no. It was an idea that I got living in Mexico City. I was just kind of, like, going from place to place, noticing that people were just kind of, you know, loading themselves up with, like, drugs and chasing sex and doing things like this. Just, like, very primal urges. That's the best possible answer to that question. I appreciate it. Yeah. Good job, Abe. Thanks, Tony. LAUGHTER

All right. Well, Abe, here's a little joke book. Congratulations. Appreciate you, man. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the Kill Tony debut of Abe Flores. My music? You already did. Abe Flores music. There you go. Abe Flores, everybody. Go listen to his unbelievable ape-related music. For those of you that are like, there's not enough apes in my music.

Big Popper, Heidi. And now we've come to that part of the show where I get to bring up one of our unbelievable regulars, ladies and gentlemen. You know him, you love him, the boy is a monster. I present to you the one and only Cam Patterson. Oh, I usually have like a really good minute that I like a lot. And don't make that face, bitch. Oh.

Right now, today, I was in Spokane this weekend, and I usually talk about where I was. And Spokane, Washington is a terrible fucking place. I asked them, I said, "What do they do in Spokane, Washington?" And one person just said, "Suicide." That's a terrible answer. And I want y'all to know something. Spokane, Washington has like a huge basketball three-on-three tournament that they do. Yeah, not that cool. It's 88% white in Spokane, Washington.

That's fucking crazy, you know? To be like, "Yeah, man, we just gonna corner the market on basketball real quick. That's what we gonna do." I told y'all it's not gonna be good. Fuck y'all. It's not gonna... This was not the best minute. I got rich friends, and that's weird now. I'll show my homeboy a picture of a giraffe, and he was like, "I own one of those." And I said, "What?" And he said, "I own a giraffe." And I was like, "For real?" And he said, "Yeah, I got two of them. And one of them, they had sex and they made a giraffe baby, and I sold the baby giraffe to the zoo."

And I was like, nigga, you flipped a giraffe? Cam Patterson, everybody. I didn't want to do that joke. Why? I'm still working on it. It's great.

That's great. Oh, fuck, man. What's wrong? Nah, because the Spokane shit, the Spokane was just fucking terrible. So I had nothing to talk about in Spokane. And then I was like, fuck, I'm going to do that. The basketball shit, I did the basketball shit over there in Little Boy. It went terrible. They were like, no, that's horrible. Two girls tried to suck my dick, so that made me happy. But besides that- No, here, just now today. Oh, wow. That's living the life. Yeah, that's a win. No, it wasn't. I bombed, nigga. I almost had to get my dick sucked when I bombed. Yeah.

They still tried to suck my dick. Wait, they tried to suck your dick after you bombed? Yeah, I was like, I bombed, it's not going to work over there, it's going to be very bad. And they were like, we'll suck your dick to make you feel better. And I was like, I don't deserve that. My goodness. And then I got my dick sucked. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Okay. Was this a black woman that sucked your dick or a white woman? Nah, I've been seeing this shit. No, it was not a black lady. It was a white bitch. This is crazy. Yeah. You making them say the wildest shit up here. Yeah, we're having fun tonight. Yeah, God. God was here. That was crazy. That was insane. It wasn't God. God was his father. Oh, what? We had his son. God of God.

I want to say, I've been in Austin for a couple months now. Cam, you're my favorite person who does, who I hadn't seen before, who does comedy. You're great. Thank you. Thank you so much. I love you too, man. Much love. Thank you so much. I love you too, bro. Yeah, yeah. They're my dog. He speak a different language. Yeah. I mean, also.

Like the moral of everything you're saying is evil, but you're so charismatic. Yeah, that's love. Hell yeah. You have about eight minutes on an abortion that is really funny. Thank you. People hate that joke. Yes, because you're talking about how much you love abortion. Yeah, my mama hate that joke. Yes, because you're killing her grandchild. It's still really funny. You know what's funny about that? She didn't know I was going to have the abortion at all. She didn't know about the abortion at all until she was scrolling through TikTok.

And then found out I killed her grandbaby, so... Yep. That's how some people find out that their grandchild has been murdered. Yeah, I didn't want to tell her, so you're going to make it real sad for me. You caught a body. Huh? You caught a body. I mean, I didn't do it. The physician did. The physician's assistant right there. She's very excited. Yeah.

James? I was just shaming the physician who did the abortion. It really sounded like you said my name. Oh no, that was good. It's the worst thing a person can do. Very funny. Have you done abortions before, Physician's Assistant? You've had one? One of us! One of us! One of us! Did the guy sitting next to you just find out? Because he did lean over like, wait, what?

Paid for it. What the fuck? Here's a little joke book for the little child that you murdered. Here you go. That's a crazy episode of the show tonight. It's just been wild. This is really, we're really pushing the limits here today. It's truly been insane to watch.

Cam, what else is going on in life? Anything else? Shit, man, just on the road, trying to figure it out, man. It's been pretty fun. The road's been a good time. Yeah, you're killing it on tour. Where can people get tickets again? On my Instagram. Go to my Instagram. Go on my bio, because it's on, I got a, like a, what it's called? I got a Komi. Linktree. Oh, there you go. I got a Komi. Hell yeah. Go to my IG and shit. You'll see it. There you go. Marketing genius. I don't know. I don't know how to promote myself for real. Come see the nigga. I don't know, man. Come see me.

I be talking about good shit. I like the shows on the road. It be fun. Have you looked up campatterson.com? Have you even looked that up? I think that's it. I think it's either that or Cam So Funny. Redman, can you look it up? I think it's Cam So Funny. It's Cam So Funny, right? I think so. Cam is so funny? No, Cam So Funny. K-A-M-S-O-O funny. That's it. S-O-O. S-O-O. Did you just skip over trying to spell funny? No.

I got so wrong, we better not try funny. I can spell funny fantastically. F-U-N-N. The last word. The last word. Why? What do we got? It's not Cam So Funny. Try so with two O's. You gotta put two O's. He's gotta put two O's. You have to spell it incorrectly. So funny. That's it.

Nope. Store. Cam's so funny. We'll click the Cam Patterson thing. We can just do it. We're not going to wait for you to type again. Squarespace. Come see me.

There you go. The great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. He's on tour. Right. It's not... By the way, it is not Cam... Oh, no, you misspelled... You misspelled funny. Oh, my God. Red band. Oh, it does. Okay. Technically, it goes to... Yep. It kind of pops up. It's a real shitty website.

Huh? Oh no, it's all good. Alright, we're back to the bucket. You guys having fun? Here we go. We're gonna meet another one all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Dylan Jarboe, everyone. Dylan Jarboe. There's a lot of protests going on in Austin right now. I'm not gonna lie, up until a week ago, I thought Hamas was Spanish for more ham. I got pulled over on 6th Street. I didn't even think that was possible.

I thought it was like International Waters out there. White guys, we get pulled over, we talk to the police like they're our Uber driver. "What's up boss man, busy night? You have an iPhone charger? Can I vape in here?" I think they should bring back the show "Pimp My Ride," remember that? Bring back "Pimp My Ride," this time it's just for people who live in their car. "What's up Kevin, we heard you're homeless, we put a microwave in your trunk, figure it out."

No, I know the struggle. We didn't have a lot of money growing up. When I was a kid, every night for dinner, we had macaroni or cheese. I always picked cheese. Actually, I had a job interview recently. You got to be memorable, stick out. He asked me, Dylan, what do you bring to the table? I said, I bring another table. You're hired. Welcome to Rooms to Go. Thank you. Dylan Jarboe. Welcome. You've been on this show before, right? Mm-hmm.

Fantastic. How long have you been doing stand-up? About eight years. Eight years. And you do this for a living? How do you make money? No, God, no. I have an IT job. Work from home. Okay. Work from home. I love it. I love it. A lot of fans are working from home here.

Tell us more about your life that we didn't find out last time you were on. What was the main frame of our talk last time you were on? Last time I was on, we talked about mental health. I had OCD. I can't do anything in fours because I have five family memorials. It means someone's going to die. Okay. You still have that, obviously. Yeah, I do. Dr. Drew and I talked, and we had a great conversation. Oh, okay. That was at Skank Fest? No, that was here.

Okay, that's right. It was at the Vulcan. Okay, I remember now. Yep, long time ago. All right, so you have OCD. What else about you, Dylan? Tell us more. I mean, yeah, Dylan. I lost like 30 pounds since the last time I've been on here. Really? Skinny bitch. You would have lost 40, but a family member would have died. We can't afford that, yeah. How'd you lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost the weight. Red Band.

I cut out the Lean Cuisine pizzas. Oh, have you thought about that? No, that's not on you. You cut out the diet food? That's just what helps me, personally. Right. That's what saved me. Red Band thinks that's good diet food. Lean Cuisine pizzas. That's diet pizza. Come on, man. It's in the title.

Get butt sex, Brian. Do it. Diet pizza. Yeah, I thought it was diet pizza. It's not. It's sodium, all that. Right, right. How many family members do you have? Four, including me. I count myself. So you have four? Yeah, four. Wait.

Yeah, I know. I know. It didn't add up to me either once I started counting the numbers in my head. So it's four. So you can't do three. Because then one would be gone. Yeah, that's true. You're going to cut out the foxtrot and the waltz for this man? So he can't have any... One, two, three, four. Well, I was confused. Maybe I'm fucked up.

Didn't you say... All right. Yeah. This was years ago. I still can't count. Yeah, we got it. What's the worst that this has affected your life, this OCD? Like, was there ever... Obviously, it's not that strong. You forgot while he was up here. No, that's got to be worse because you live your whole life going, oh, fuck, was it two? When do they die? But...

Sounds hot. There's been some stuff when I was driving. I'd be going down the highway, and it'd be like, you better touch the back, you know, like the window at the back. And I'd be driving to an open mic. If you don't touch it, you're going to bomb. And I'd be going 80. Reach back real hard.

You just have to touch the window? Mm-hmm. The back... Again, years ago, yeah. Passenger side window. No, no, no. Like, you know, how it lines up. Driver side back window. Mm-hmm. And you had to touch the window or else you were going to bomb? I was going to bomb, yeah. Is this a small car or like a Toyota Sienna? How far is it to get to the back window? It's a Ford Focus. I could lean back. That's doable, yeah. Oh, yeah. Easy. One of these. Easy. Driving my dick.

Okay, so Dylan, you have a love life? I do. How's that going? What's that like? There's a beautiful girl. How long you been with her? About nine months. Where'd you meet her at? Hinge. It was a hinge. What was her first date? Our first date was down Hotel Vegas, down the street. She's a tech gal. She makes twice my salary. Yeah. There you go. There you go, guys. We get an HEP. She buys the groceries. I buy the bags. That's just how we do it.

Man, I got a feeling if you don't stand on one foot right now, she's going to die tonight. I'd be a very lucky man. Do you only stop with four fingers? Have you ever fisted her? No. What is the wildest thing you've ever done in the bedroom?

Like a Mike Tyson? Maybe a bite? Whoa, look at that. In the bedroom, a Mike Tyson can mean a different thing. A George Foreman. Yeah, the nibbling on an ear is the least horrifying thing a Mike Tyson could be.

You say George Foreman? The little rope-a-dope action? Yeah, a little rope-a-dope. The little Muhammad Ali rope-a-dope again? Yeah, I hang at the corner. Play dead for a while and they go, I'll just fuck around. Come here. I'll pop out. Now that you're tired, I'm going to fuck you up. I love it. Dylan, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or working?

I've been taking Pilates classes online. Whoa. Why does that sound like a joke? You say it like it's a joke. No, it's not. I took Pilates class online. So when you take it online, what does that mean exactly? It's just YouTube. Uh-huh. YouTube it.

Right, but you like, what do they have you do? I do the poses in the living room and just let it hit. She watches. It works because you're looking good, brother. I want to let you know that. I'm not ashamed to appreciate a man's body. Thank you. You're welcome. Wow. They're working off, guys. You're ripped under that Bucky's shirt. You can never go back there. I'm really not. It's trouble from here to here. Is it? From tits up, I look great.

There's a lot of lone stars. Man, do you know what I would give to look good from tits up? If you go in a pool, that's perfect. You just stay here. I've got to stay here. I've got a great ocean body. You already have a joke book? I do, yes, sir. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Wow, look at that. Look at that. Look at that.

Dylan Jarboe. There he goes. There goes Dylan, everyone. We got another name. We gotta keep it moving. Make some noise for your next comedian. Doing a minute. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? I mean, just unbelievable. This sausage fest of a show. It's such a breath of fresh air. Make some noise for your next comedian. Trey On Stage, everyone. Trey On Stage. Here he is. Trey On Stage.

Whoa. Hello. How y'all doing, man? Last night I got a little too drunk in my Uber. I was pretty messed up. I ended up throwing up, almost passing out. That thing really sucks when that happens, especially when your passenger is right there. I dated this black chick recently. It was pretty cool, man. She told me that her husband died.

I was like, that's no bueno. Thanks. I was like, that's no good, man, because I'm terrified of black widows. You know, I'm not really a mourning person, really. The only time I feel like that's appropriate is, you know, at a funeral. I don't like talking about sex jokes. I don't have any sex jokes at all, mostly because I just...

beat around the bush. Yeah, that's kind of gross I guess. How do you kill a gang of clowns? You aim for the juggler.

All right, thanks for y'all laughing. Trey on stage. Welcome, Trey. How are you? Pretty good. How you doing, man? I love it. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir, it is. Well, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About six months. Six months. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yes, sir. Is this where you live? This is where you're from? Not where I'm from, where I live. Where are you from? Originally New Orleans. And how long have you been here? Well, about six months. Okay, six months, and you came here to start stand-up comedy. Yes.

Yeah. How old are you? I am 38. So what made you start now? My brother, he wanted to get into it and he was like, you go check it out. And so I was like, all right, I will. And for some reason now I'm doing it. I love it. Where does your brother come into all this? He's in Baton Rouge.

He's in Baton Rouge. And he told you that you should do this? Well, he basically suggested that I look into it. And I took it a little bit more literally. I said, okay, and let me go try stand-up. And so I just did just that. How's it been going for you? Pretty bad. Uh-huh.

But you're having fun doing it? I'm having a great time. And what do you do for a living? Well, right now I'm in between jobs, but professionally I'm a firefighter. Ooh, a firefighter. And you don't have a firefighting job here yet? Not yet, no. I've been looking. But you were in New Orleans? No, I was a firefighter in Houston. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. A lot of fires to put out there.

What's the bravest, craziest thing you've ever done as a firefighter? CPRs, probably. A lot of times that's probably the saddest thing to see, but it's also, you know, you can get them back. And you've gotten people back before. Yeah, we got people back. And you put your lips right up to their mouth. No. No? How do you do it? We have something called a BVM. It's a bag valve mask, and we basically put the mask onto them, and they get a nice equal breath.

Wow. Of oxygen tubes. Should have put a BVM on this crowd, huh? Yeah, right? Hell yeah. So firefighting, you ever save a cat in a tree? No, a parrot though. A parrot? Yeah. You didn't need to save it. Right, that's fine. I know, right? That's good. You ripped it out of a tree. Were you ever in one of the sexy calendars? No, no. Oh, that's going to hurt. I didn't make it.

So the hot guys down at the station, they get to be in the calendar and you sell them or what? Just the hot ones. Do I sell them? No, just... You're like the fat cheerleader. You're the bass. Yeah. You're the big girl waving a flag. Yeah. Exactly. You look good in suspenders. You're a hardy gentleman. I try. I'd stroke you. I try. Have you applied to be a firefighter here in Austin? Not in Austin, no. Uh...

surrounding areas. Is this where you live? Now it is, yes. When did you move exactly to Austin? No, he was in Houston six months ago, right? Yeah, a little over six months ago. How long have you been in Austin? So about maybe three months. Okay. What made you stop off in Houston on your way to Austin? Well, long story. Basically, I'm coming by way of San Angelo. I lived out in Houston for a little bit, and now I'm just living in Austin, you know?

By way of San Angelo. Yeah. So I lived in... I'm basically from the military. I was in the military as well. Oh, wow. You're just a hero of many kinds. Is that why your brother has sent you on a reconnaissance mission? I'm still very confused by that. If I was, I didn't know it. But he wanted to do stand-up and said, you should go check it out? Yeah, he said I should check it out. Yeah, but he wanted to do it? But he wanted to do it, yeah. And then he was like, you go first? Yeah.

That's fucked up. Basically, he wasn't military or a firefighter, was he? No. Yeah, coward. Yeah.

You did this too. He's still sitting home going, ah, man. Yeah, right. I can't even believe this is happening right now. What branch of the military were you in? The Navy. And did you ever go on tour? I did. Where'd you go? I went to China, Dubai twice, India, Australia. You ever kill any bad guys or just a parrot? Nope. Doesn't know bad people.

Never killed anyone. What'd you do in the Navy exactly? I was something called an AZ. So Aviation Maintenance Admin. I'm colorblind. You're colorblind? I am. Wow. D-Madness is jealous right now. It's like, colorblind? I don't even know what the fuck a color is. What the fuck? D-Madness with his regular ass glasses. He doesn't know. Oh.

Where'd you go in Australia? Perth. You went to Perth? I did. There's nothing funny about that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry? There's nothing funny about being in Perth. I got nothing. Oh, yeah. We called it our Perth day. They say the women there are perfect. Yeah. But they're not. They're real hideous trolls. So... Oh, shit. Raising Perth? Raising Perth. I love it. Thank you for keeping my country safe. We can't keep the Chinese out on our own. And I want to... I want to say thank you for keeping us...

Keeping us secure. Keeping us a democracy. I mean it. It is true. Nothing but trouble. We're not going to repeat what that guy just said. Chill, brother. For real. The Chinese government. I was talking about the Chinese government, not the people. Perfect. That solves all of our problems. Incoming nuclear bomb. Here we go.

I love it. So Trey on stage, your brother wanted to do stand-up. He said, you should check out this show, Kill Tony. And you're like, I'm going to go. I'm going to start stand-up. I'm going to go to Kill Tony. I'm going to try to get on. Has your brother even attempted an open mic or anything like that? Yes, he has. Okay. Yes, he's actually, he's pretty funny. He's usually pretty funnier than me, actually. Really? So you guys go out, you guys are like the Sklar brothers? You just go bombs? Yeah.

The opposite of the Sklar brothers. Just two guys. The twins, right? Yeah. No, we don't do that. They're good. Okay. I wanted to make sure I didn't sound like I was trashing the Sklar brothers. But no, that's... How the fuck did you get your name, Trey, on stage? Well, my name is Trey Soignet. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, whenever...

Whenever I write S-O-I-G-N-E-T, which is how you spell my name, nobody ever gets it right, so I kind of made up this. I thought you were going to be a black guy. Me too. Yeah. Where's your brother at? Is he still in Louisiana? He's in Baton Rouge. Right, right. In Louisiana, yep. Yep, beautiful. And he's doing stand-up there in one of the worst stand-up comedy markets in the entire country.

So he says as well. Right. Absolutely. No, it is. It truly is. It's not like an opinion. It's an actual thing. Nobody goes there.

Anyway, most interesting thing about your life overall? You've been through so much. You're a fireman. You're a veteran. So much stuff you've been through. Most interesting thing about your entire life overall? What would you say it is? I mean, aside from being a firefighter and a veteran, I think I'm a musician. No way. What do you do musically? Play guitar. You really play guitar? Yeah. How long have you played guitar for? I got a feeling he plays the hell out of it. I

I kind of have a feeling he does too. About 20 years. 20 years of playing guitar? Matt Muehling, he doesn't give it up very often, but he wants to hear you as well. Hopefully we got... Incoming guitar. We got the cord. The shit's going down. D Madness somehow knew that the guitar was about to hit him in the face.

Fucking world's fakest blind person. Here, get a little more out there. Get up, get back up there. Let the people see you, Trey. You're on stage, Trey, on stage. Here he is. Oh, there's nothing happening. He lied to us, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, what does he do? Oh, wow. What a catch. Is there a reason why there's no music coming out of it?

Whoa, Jesus. All right. Whoa, Matt Muehling. What a power monger. Hands over the guitar and just stares at him. Go ahead, play. You can do what I do. Sure, guitar player. All right, ladies and gentlemen, from New Orleans, Louisiana. On a mission. He's on a mission to get his brother to kill himself.

Alright now do something cool. Do like a cool thing or something. Wow. Trey on stage. Trey you rule dude.

I like your style, Trey. Not quite a big joke book's worth of a set, but your interview was so good that I don't want to give you a small joke book, so we're going to give you this cool fucking KT rattlesnake keychain. Wow. Made by the great Bones Eye. Everything real Texas handmade leather. And there he goes, Trey on stage, everybody. We do have a special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen, right now.

Hello Austin, how are we?

Amazing. I went to the cafe yesterday, sitting there, and then I overheard a couple having an argument. You know when you hear that sweet nectar of life? You know when you like pause your own music? And they're going at it. And then I look who the couple is, it's two gay guys going at it!

Shit was crazy. They like both made sense Everybody stayed on one topic Nobody was bringing up old shit just two logical superior brains Trying to find a solution Thank you very much, thank you He's a beast

An absolute Estonian monster. Thank you. The cold-blooded Estonian assassin. Thank you, Tony. Oh, God, that was beautiful. What a fucking work of art that joke is. Yeah, you should have held on to that. That was like a special joke. That was like... I know. That was a really good joke. Yeah. I started doing it maybe last week, and I thought, why not whip it out? Yeah. Yeah.

All right, Matty, he's a fucking freak. He's got tons of this unbelievable material. He's in a race to get his green card. He has to be famous within the next nine months. Now it's eight months, Tony. Oh, it's eight months already. Now it's eight months, Tony. The clock is ticking fast. He's going by an Estonian calendar. Last week it was nine months. Now a week later, it's eight months.

It's absolutely incredible how fast time moves with you. So, how's the adventure going, Ari Matty? I have something like a... What's the expression? A bone for picking with Tony? You have a bone to pick. So, you were telling me the other day that this show gets you pussy. Your episode hasn't come out yet, Ari. Oh.

It may... Okay, that makes sense now. I was being weird to some girls this weekend. I was like, Ari from Kill Tony? Who? You're gonna be just fine. I am on YouTube. I have a YouTube.

And he's like, "What?" "Don't tell them about your wife." This is not a character. This is who you really are. What do you mean a character? I know, I'm just saying like... James is from fucking New Jersey. He's from New Jersey. I met you like a week ago backstage. I saw your act and then I went on and I came backstage and backstage you were like...

How was it? I do not watch you do comedy. I was like, all right. He's committed. Look at these two having an immigrant off, everybody. How exciting. Yeah, this guy sucked. He had a funnier accent. Fuck. It kills me. It's much better when he talks about homeless people. It's...

Ari is a monster. Ari Maddy, an unbelievable beast. I mean, everybody here is a huge fan. Adam, the booker here, absolutely loves you. Yeah, everybody's like super nice. Yeah, we love the funniest people. We love fucking working with other freaks. How's life going other than the Kill Tony world? How's being in Austin? I went to Barton Springs. Oh, yeah.

the cold waters of Barton Springs. - Hung out with like 14,000 Mexicans. - Yeah. - Tony, these people like to party. - Yes, they do. One, two, three, four. Okay, I guess there, there you go, there are red bands on it. Normally the Mexicans are ready to work, not tonight, okay. Damn. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro.

The middle one put his horn up to his mouth when you hit that. It looked like he was playing that. That was bad. It's Fernando Castillo. Am I right? Yeah. I had a 50-50 shot at that.

I got it right. So tell us more about the Mexicans partying at Barton Springs. No, it was like great, but you know what I'm obsessed with, Tony, recently? Tell me. I love fat. Well. And I don't know what happened with like the Asian American girls, but something went terribly right. Dude, I don't even have a yellow fever. I have a yellow migraine. You know what I'm saying?

Just can't stop thinking about Asian American tits, you know what I'm saying? So you're saying that Asian women have big tits? Like Asian American, you know? They got thick. They have that super white accent, you know? They got thick. I saw it happen. I was in Philly. I was in...

There was one summer when they all inflated. I lived near Drexel and I would go there and they were all, yeah, you could see it coming. And I predicted this. It was like, I was like the Al Gore of thick Asians. I was like, this is coming and it's going to be a problem. John the Baptist of thick kids. This is incredible. I might be the last to know about this. Our senior Asian woman correspondent, Brian Redband is here. Janice, get away from this man.

Yes, everyone knows Janice and her fat tits. Fat, big-ass titties, yeah. No, he's got the old model. Which is fine. Which is great. So have you been with an Asian woman before? No, I have not. Have you ever kissed an Asian woman? I met one. You met one? When I was, like, backpacking, but no, I haven't. Is there an Asian woman in the... No, no. No!

Oh, we got two Asian women right here. Is there a hero somewhere? Would you come up and give Ari Matty a kiss, either one of you? We've never had an Asian... No? I'm not gonna force you, but if you want to, you'll be a hero. You don't have to, lady. You want to? Emotionless, emotionless Asian women. No, it's okay. I hear that Asian women have ice-cold pussies. Is that true? It seems like it. They have the lowest temperature vagina anywhere.

Seems like we may have found some cold-pussied Asian women here tonight. Any other Asian women out there? Nope, okie doke. Wait, what? Oh my god. What the fuck? That's pretty funny. Get up here. Whoa, she does that. Hold on, wait a second. Those are massive tits. Wait, come up here, lady. Come on up here. Oh shit, Ari. Oh shit.

We could just get her to pull her eyes sideways for you. It's gonna be amazing. Oh my god, there are some fucking moneybags headed to this stage right now. Jesus Christ. You said you weren't getting ghosted. James, look over there. You're not even looking, James. What's wrong with you?

What do I do? You know what to do, dude. Don't back down now. Those things... You were going to kiss that lady. Now where's that courage? You better kiss her. Can I... Those tits are so fat. Hold on a second. Just give me a second here. Hold on. Hold on. Let me just say, those things are so massive that they barely fit in there. Someone has not laid off the Lean Cuisine pizzas. Ha ha ha!

She has a wood-fired pizza oven. What? She has a mobile wood-fired pizza oven. That's why she has... That's why she's got massive tits. Okay. What's your name, sweetheart? Ari, put the mic up to her mouth. Nina. Nina. Nina. What would you do with a little Estonian boy like Ari Matty if given the opportunity? Oh, my God. Take him to eat pizza.

Eat pizza. I love pizza. Well, let's see how much you love it. Now, what size are those boobs? I don't think you actually know because that shirt's small. The last time I checked, they were size H. Size H. Now, luckily, we have a physician's assistant here, too. Do those look like H's to you? All right. Do they agree that it's H? Uh.

And what do you do for work? I have a mobile wood-fired pizza oven. Oh, you really do? I thought you were riffing. How did you know she had a mobile... You were spot on. I could tell. You know her. I had a feeling she had a golf cart with a pizza oven on it. Hold on a second. Obviously, she said it. I didn't guess. What's the man who's eating at every mobile pizza oven in town? Oh, Nina? Yeah, I know her.

Give me the regular giant tits. Nina, have you ever kissed an Estonian boy before? Have you ever... Nina, get in here. Okay, are you also a citizen? Yes, yes.

American pussy, I love it. Hell yeah. Ari Matti, one step closer to getting his green card. He's only got seven months left before time runs out. Shane saw something he likes and he's gonna pick up on that. What about pizza pussy? Shane just went to rape Nina, everybody.

Ari Matty, you're so much fun. You're such a fucking great sport. Everybody adores you. And I'm so glad you're part of the squad here. Make some noise for Ari Matty, everybody. You're watching a star be made in real time on this show. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. Hell, yeah. There you go. See, that's Heidi. Thank you.

That's a fucking no pizza ovens on that one. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we got to keep it moving along while Shane goes to the bathroom. We're going to get 60 seconds uninterrupted from Chen, everybody. Chen. Someone was looking for Asian American boobies. I have just missed the boat.

I went kayaking recently. If you don't trust Asians with a car, maybe you shouldn't trust Asians with a boat. If liking your own Facebook post is a form of masturbation, then having your mom like your Facebook post is a form of incest. People often associate veterans with PTSD. I'm more worried about the ones with fond memories.

Let's see. Let's do one more. You want to do one more, Chen? Okay, I'll do one more. Okay, one more. Therapy is expensive. That's why I trauma dump on unsuspecting audiences at comedy clubs. Thank you. There you go. It's true. Therapy is expensive. That's why if you go to Talkspace.com, promo code Tony, they...

do something really great for you. It's really unbelievable. That's right. You can, yeah, there you go. It's right there. Click on that thing. Nope. Go back down right there. Yeah. You get $80 off your first month and you show your support for the show. That's right. Promo code space 80 talkspace.com slash Tony. So thanks for bringing that up, Chen.

Okay, so Chen, you've been on this show before. I remember you. I don't forget many transgendered Asian women that also appear to be Native American. Um...

Tell us, how's life been going? Chen, how long you been doing stand-up now? - Since September last year. - Another person that started in September of last year. Absolutely. - September 4th. - Okay, September 4th. Not to be confused with September 11th. Hey, look who's back. Shane Gillis bringing a six pack. Yeah. - So this is Chen. She's a transgender Asian woman. - Oh fuck.

Nah, I'm just kidding. How's it going? Good. I remember your skit as Bob Isis. That was awesome. Thank you very much. I knew I liked you. Hell yeah. So Chen, tell us more about your life. What's been going on? So I think comedy is the best thing that happened to me recently because...

I don't know if you know about the Jim Carrey's movie where he couldn't lie. Ever since I started doing comedy, I couldn't say no. So I have been... It's a different Jim Carrey movie. Does he put a mask on at the end of that? No, I'm just kidding. Are you also a pet detective? All right. I do love pets. Yeah. You ever save a parrot from a tree? Okie dokie. What type of pet? Yeah.

Shane is the most obsessed with cats of anyone I've ever hung out with. Before the show he was just looking at pictures of cats. I also like dogs, I'm not... Yeah. Well, Chen I do believe wishes he had a pussy, so this makes sense.

Okie dokie. Somehow that was the world's saddest, best transgender joke ever. I can't believe you just... I got audible aws from saying that a person that wishes they had a pussy wished they had a pussy. Not here, not on this show, dude. That's fucked up. That's wrong.

Yeah, all dicks here. Yeah. All dicks. You have a penis. Yeah, I still have one. Are you really a transgender Asian? Yeah, I just don't wear it. No, it's just because usually there'd be lady boys, but you're more of like a skank man. Ha ha ha ha ha.

I mean, I do know my way... That's a loud but my stupid pussy joke got an R. You don't have a funny accent. You're actually more of a Skype man. An American accent that's extremely offensive. I say it with love. Nothing but love.

You can do it in American. This is every day at pool basketball at this house. Do it in American. Oh, you're fucked. I've got you. I don't call anybody. I can do an American accent. I can do Shane's accent. That's the one I've been doing. Hey, you suck. That's pretty good. You can't do our accent. America is number one. Nah, you fucked up. America. America. How do you say America? America. America.

Fucking America dude, say it with some fucking respect dude, say it with some- I love this country! Amer- America! America! We're number one! We're number one! Hell yeah! We're number one! Ari Maddy's from Estonia right now somewhere he's like "We're number 134!" We are also NATO so we also support your missile silos! Anti-air defense you place in Estonia! So...

What else did I miss? How'd it go? I didn't hear. Would you say it went well? I missed it. Oh, I was just saying yes to everything. No, no, no. I meant the set. How'd the set go? I missed it. Oh, how did the set go? I think it was better than the first time I did it. All right, nice. That's all it takes. Just keep doing that.

Keep doing that. That's right. Chen, remind us, what do you do for a living? I do IT for a bank. Oh, okay. And now you're totally unfireable. I don't know. I bet you made a little... Yeah, I bet all of a sudden everyone got real quiet around you.

I love it. So Chen, are you transitioning? Is that the terminology? Yes, I take hormones every day. Okay, so you're taking hormones like estrogen. Yes, and spherolactone to block testosterone. Okay. I heard when you take those, you get a little horny. Horny comes differently now. Yeah, how's it coming now? Are you so horny?

Have you been taking these hormones for a long time or a short time? Does your dick get wet when you're horny? Like, what happens? Redman asks an actual weird question. We're all making fucking jokes here. Does your dick get wet? No.

Do it with Australian accent. Do it in Australian accent. Let's see if it's funny or if you do it in... Well, there's obviously a female... Great job, Redman. Great job. So tell us more about this transition. Okay. Okay. It does get wet. Wait, it does? It does get wet. Your dick gets wet? Yeah. I fucking told you guys. Holy shit. Redman, our senior Asian transgender correspondent... Yes.

By the way, that soundbite I did was the guy that died from a stingray saying...

Okay. Well, there's obviously a female around. Yeah. Very good. Way to kill your own momentum. It's unbelievable. Okay. I don't even know where to begin here. When you say your dick gets wet, it like sweats when you get excited? When you get turned on? You know the area where the... You know that... You talking about pre-cum, bro? Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. That shit rules. Everybody gets that. Like, you know the area in your circumcision area? I didn't get the circumcision, but the area gets wet. That area gets wet? Yeah. I think that's just schmack. And the best part... If you take a shower, that goes away.

So you're talking about the shaft of your penis? No, so you know how you have a dick and then there's like the skin that goes around it? Well, it's that like... The penis head? Yeah, like that neck area gets wet. The neck area? Yeah. Holy shit. The gutter. Yeah, be honest, man. That's fucking disgusting. A neck? I have never heard of the neck before. I didn't realize... Can your dick go like this? Can it go...

When it's being abused, yes. Okay. Whoa. Oh my God. You ever pull a Mike Tyson on somebody in the bedroom? Okay. So Chen, what makes the neck of your dick get wet? Tell us what turns someone like Chen on. Believe it or not, despite being trans, I think hetero relationships are the best. So you're...

Wait, why are you going through all this trouble if you're... Hold on. I'm confused. No, no. I'm okay with being either the guy or the women in the relationship, but I don't do bi or gay. I agree. That's gross. That's wrong. Go ahead, Shane. No, no. No, ask that question. I want to know. I always like your questions. I was about to be supportive, dude. Yeah.

Fucking go do whatever. So when you say hetero, that means you're into women. I'm into women and I'm into guys. But if I'm into guys, I want to be the women in the relationship. Like I don't want to be like a guy-guy relationship. Right. D-Madness is losing his mind right now. Famous resident homophobe, D-Madness. He is not shy. D-Madness, by the way, she's hot.

Just that, if that helps you. She's hot as fuck. Absolutely incredible. So your most recent hookup, can you just give us an example of what that was like and who that was with? Do you do that? Do you do one night stands? Okay, so I tried dating apps. It went really bad. That's why I downloaded Grindr. Hold on, hold on. We don't need the Indiana Jones theme for this.

And then I did the week of crazy sex. Okay, now let's just stop there for a second. Yeah, let's focus on that. Yeah, we're going to stick with the week of crazy sex. You found that person on Grindr? Yes.

And what was that? That was a man? Yeah. That treated you like a woman? Yes. So you like make him sandwiches and stuff or what? Oh, I do more than sandwiches. Okay, tell us everything that you do. Tell us what a week-long sex escapade with Chen is like. I feed you very well and we go to shows. Whoa. Sounds really nice. Yeah. What kind of shows?

He's into WWE, so we've been to San Antonio. Wait, is this me? I thought it was LeMair. You ever meet LeMair? All right. Might be able to set you up with somebody. Yeah. LeMair would make your dick neck sweat.

So you met a guy on Grindr. How does it start? Do you go to his place? He goes to yours? I do go to his place. But he lives with his mom and siblings. Oh my God. So it's really secretive. That makes it way more fun, dude. Oh yeah, you two naughty fucks. That's way more fun. What grade is he in? Oh, he's actually a special eds teacher. Oh, thank God.

That teacher at the end was big.

So he's a special ed teacher. What does he tell his parents when you go to his house? Did he tell you, like, oh, I just said we're going to play video games? No, everybody's asleep. Oh, you sneak in. I know, I know. Do you go in the front door or do you take it in the back door? Both, both. Wow, incredible. So you go up to his room and you guys are quiet and sneaky? No, once the door's closed, we get as loud as we want. Wow.

Wow. Wow. And so now let me ask you something because you're transitioning into being a woman. Can you use your penis? It gets hard. I mean, how do I put it? Is this okay that I'm asking this? Okay, good. I don't want to be fucking. It's one of those things where if you don't use it, you lose it. So every now and then I would use it because I don't want to lose it. Not because I want it. Right. Don't you want to lose it?

Well, okay. I thought that was... I meant that genuinely. You actually hit a really good point because... That is literally the greatest point ever. That was the if the glove don't fit point of this interview. Because what happens is I did look into transition. You do want to lose it.

That was amazing. But you're still jacking it. Jacking off is nice. It is. It is. Come on, man. You still got that dog in you. There is a little dog in you.

But pretty much, if you look at the surgeries they have nowadays, it essentially creates a wound that's constantly closing. So I can't imagine my life... I'm not well off... Just to keep everybody posted, I just made eye contact with the physician's assistant and she went like this. She literally does not want me to bring her into this right now at all. Nice.

And I just got the you are correct gun from her. It's okay, Chen. It's risky these days? Well, risky is one, like you can't control your piss. If you just randomly piss yourself, that always sucks. I almost did. I had to leave, yeah. I love that you called it piss. But also, imagine having to sit on the dildo for hours a day to stop it from... Oh, I've thought about it. Okay.

You have to do it for hours a day? Sit on a dildo? You don't want the wounds to go away. And they're like, now you're a girl. You gotta go home and sit on a dildo for hours a day. Congratulations. Why are you sitting on dildos? What are you talking about? No, because it's a wound that wants to heal. So you have to artificially keep the pussy big. Ah, I see. Yeah.

Sorry, I've done a lot of research myself under this topic. The slow microphone sit down happened. Oh, shit. Chen, you are always one of the best interviews in the show. So where are we at with all this? What's the next move? You're on the blockers and you're on the estrogen. What are you looking forward to the most in your transition?

Honestly, I'm kind of happy the way I am because for me to become... There you go. Must be nice, Chen.

Must be nice. Because for me to actually move forward, my life has to change. So I'm sort of waiting on my life to change before I can move forward with any of this. In what way are you waiting for your life to change? Like, for instance, like...

Well, my... The person I'm seeing, after... Deep Madness's angry scoffs are becoming more and more aggressive as this interview goes longer. A lot of you have no idea because he doesn't have a microphone in front of his face, but literally with every question, it's, Jesus fucking Christ. Son of a fucking bitch. It is like, for real, having my dad behind us. The fuck? Jesus Christ. Oh!

Don't worry about the haters. You're going to have to get that. Just so you know, angry sex is pretty good. Oh, yeah. Everybody knows that. Yeah, that's natural. So, yes, I know Red Band's pointing out that this interview has lasted 19 minutes. But Chen is so goddamn interesting. Thank you.

It's very very... You already have a big joke book, correct? Yes, I already have a big joke book. Absolutely. And you're putting it to good use it seems. Oh, are we playing him off? Is that what we're doing? Okay. Oh, it's okay. Chen, any last words? I love everyone here. And comedy is the best thing that has happened to me thus far. Fuck yeah, make some noise for Chen, everybody.

Hell yeah. There goes Chen. Hell yeah. Absolutely. There goes Chen, everybody. Yes. That's a firm handshake on that lady. Ooh, ah, smoke. All right. Final bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Quentin Jones. Make some noise for Quentin Jones, everyone. Thank you.

Man, I'm happy to be here, man. I feel good because I'm actually going through a breakup right now. And I don't really miss my ex. I just miss parts of the relationship. Like, I miss how we didn't use condoms. That was a real fun part of the relationship. And now that I'm single, I'm dealing with, like, this whole condom economy where you got to, like, have the condom at the right time and show it at the right time. And I don't think that's fair for guys because I believe that women hate condoms more than men. Like, y'all do. Like, thank you. You can clap, you know, but...

Because even the woman that wants you to use one, she doesn't want to see it until y'all about to do it. And I know that because on one of the first dates I went on, I pulled my wallet out to pay. Condom falls on the ground. And she caught an attitude with me. She was like, huh, what's that for? I'm like, it's for fucking. What you think it's for? I don't understand. Why are you acting so weird? You think I carry around oily balloons to make you a dog? I don't understand. It's like women expect condoms to appear out of thin air.

It's like you're about to have sex and they want to stop you. Be like, hey, do you have a condom? Hell yeah, girl. It's been behind your ear the entire time. Fuck yeah. Quentin Jones. What's up, Tom? Making his Kill Tony debut. First week in Austin, man. Just got here. I love it. Hell yeah. Where'd you come from? I'm from Detroit, but I've done comedy. What up, dog? What up, dog? I'm from Detroit. What up, dog?

There's Doe. Are you talking to the pizza lady out there? What up, Doe? Hey, with the Dennis Rodman jersey. What up, Doe, man? Yeah. Oh, shit. Okay. There's a fucking guy in a Pistons jersey right there. A Dennis Rodman jersey. That's the four-time defensive player of the year, man. You're Mexican. Sit down.

The old Detroit Mexican over there. A rare bird. A parrot in a tree, if you will. So, Quentin, you just got here this week. Here you are on the biggest comedy show in the world. How long you been doing stand-up? Been doing it six years. Wow. Yep, six years. All in Detroit. That's where you were born and raised. No, I started comedy in Seattle, and y'all heard about Seattle and people there. And...

White people. And then New York, and now here. Okay. Welcome, welcome. You're already set up? You have a place to live? No, I'm staying on my friend's couch. Okay. Hopefully, I find a place soon. That would be nice. No, that's how it starts. What do you do for a living? So, I'm a part-time software engineer. Uh-huh. So, I used to work for Microsoft, work for Nordstrom. Pfft.

Yeah, everyone says that. Like, yeah, we code at Nordstrom, kinda. My job was to, like, the emails when you buy something, we just keep harassing you. Yeah, that's my job, so. Software engineer. Yeah, that's right. Just bother people with emails. Is that what you want to do for work? No, I want to do this. Right. This is my dream, so, you know, love doing it, happy to be here, man. Right.

Amazing stuff, Quentin. Tell us more about your life. What else are you into other than stand-up comedy? Other than stand-up comedy, wrestling. So I heard you say that in the back. I'm a big wrestling fan. Shout out. Yeet! Okay. Oh, shit. All right. What up now? You know, so I'm a big wrestling fan from Detroit. Went to University of Michigan. I was a cheerleader.

Go blue. We're going to beat y'all ass if you're from here this year. You'll never win again. You'll never win again. You cheated this year. It's over. Yeah. It's true. Didn't we beat y'all by like 31 Notre Dame? When? Oh, shit. 2019. Oh, okay. We beat the shit out of y'all. Yeah.

I was at the game. We beat you 31-0. It's not a big deal. That's how it works. I was drunk on that one. I had amnesia on that one. Not that anyone cares. I was on stage. I was doing a show that game, Notre Dame-Michigan. Right before I went on stage, it was like a close game. I came off. It was like 31-0. Shit. I was devastated. Anyway, I knew that was a terrible thing to say. No one cares. It happens. That one's happened to me with Ohio State-Illinois. Oh, yeah. He's in Ohio State, man. We even lost. You understand? Three years in a row, man. We're both Buckeyes. Me and Reggie. That's unfortunate.

So here's a fun thing. I was actually a cheerleader at Michigan. Red band right on cue.

Completely making up for everything he said this entire episode. With one button push. No, you were right about that one thing. The dick sweat was incredible. And then you blew it. But you were red. Wow, so you were throwing little white girls up in the air. Yes, I was. Living MLK's dream. I think that was part of it. Absolutely. Goddamn Lutely. That is awesome.

What year? What years were you there? So I cheered from 2013 to 2015. Oh, nice.

So I actually went to the shoe for Cardale when you guys won the Natty Cardale Jones. That's us. Yeah. So he literally ran a touchdown to my face and said, oh, Buckeyes, bitch. And I was like, damn, bro, that's a lot. That's right. That's got to be the worst time to be a male cheerleader. When a quarterback from the other team is like, what's up, bitch? A six foot seven quarterback. You got a megaphone in your hand. Like, ah. Dag gummit.

I never thought about that. Another opposing player would run to the sideline, seeing you, and be like, what's up? That's devastating. Shotgun Cardale Jones, massive, massive, massive man. Didn't want to play school.

Huh? He said that was his thing. He didn't want to play school. He didn't want to play school? Never mind. Yeah, we started to play football, not school. Oh, right. He didn't hit the books. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no doubt about it. What did you major in? Software engineering, computer science. Lovely. Lovely, lovely, lovely. All right, you also did? I thought you were being pandering because he was black. I thought you were like, oh, this is very nice. Is that what you do? You're a software engineer? Yeah.

So you don't engineer anything, you just fix broken shit. Man, you send emails to people. We heard. Feels like Cardale scoring again, doesn't it?

I love it. Quentin, what's your love life like? Single right now. Like I said, I've been single for about three, four months. Okay. I got off the apps because it was just like I paid for the apps, and then when I saw who liked me, after paying for the apps, I was like, I got to do better. Right. Yeah, exactly. They can't tell you're funny on an app. No, they can. They can. I tried myself, and...

Not great. But they're always like, I want somebody to make me laugh. And they're like, eh, laugh. There's nothing worse than getting a DM on an app that says, I want to suck your dick. And you click on the profile, and it's Chen. I got to be honest with you. I bet Chen goes hard. Oh, yeah. Oh, no doubt about it. I bet Chen goes hard.

Can you imagine one of these nights that dad's gonna wake up to the sound of his son's headboard in the middle of the night? What? No! Red Band has caught fire, ladies and gentlemen. Do it! I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday, man. Hey. Thank you.

Make some goddamn noise for Quentin Jones. It's his first week at Austin, Texas, and he's already working. Quentin Jones, ladies and gentlemen, just got booked on a real comedy show here on Thursday night at The Secret Show. And now we've come to that part of the night where only one way we could possibly put a ribbon on this thing, and that is with the...

Living, breathing member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, an absolute legend, the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews. He is the real deal, the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed William Montgomery. Did anybody else hear this? Aaliyah wasn't wearing a seatbelt?

You know, with this whole Palestine-Israel debacle, I heard somebody say what we need now more than ever is Jesus. And I feel like if Jesus were to descend from heaven, he'd be a little torn. Because on one hand, you have the guys who think if you commit jihad, you get 99 virgins in heaven. And on the other side, you got the guys who sent you to heaven. Yeah, okay, computer. That is my impression of a sarcastic Radiohead fan.

That's a pretty good one, I think. All right. I asked my cousin, didn't you start an OnlyFans for your dog? And he said, it's a coyote, you dumbass. Okay, that's my time ending on that one. Fuck yeah. William Montgomery coming in.

Guns a-blazin'. Looking better than ever, I must say. Thanks so much. I feel pretty good. I feel like Phoenix changed me a little. I was in Phoenix this past weekend. Do you actually have pierced nipples? Yeah, I got my nipples pierced in Phoenix this past weekend. They're really...

They're super sore right now, but do you want to feel them, sir? I mean, they're totally real. No, feel them, dumbass! You look like me, kind of. Yeah, they feel real, right? They do look the same. I've been getting that a lot. They do look the same! I've been getting that a lot! Okay, I can't really do Australian. I mean, seeing it on you, I'm going to get a haircut. Now that I know it. No, you look great. I'm going to get a haircut. Okay.

I could do your fucking shit. Do it. Let's hear it. I'm a big retard. Look at me. Okay, I'll see y'all later. No, no, no. Come on, William. Come on, William. It's like I get my fucking nipples pierced. I'm trying to fucking impress everybody tonight and then we got the Australian fucking making fun of my fucking ass. You bet you sexually assaulted me. You got me to touch your swole puffy nipple.

They look good. I want you to know they look good. Well, thank you. That's all I was going for, so thanks. Now, William, there's men in the audience yelling, show them. Maybe one? Yeah, maybe one? Just really quick, really quick. I was genuinely like, oh, no, dude. That's crazy. Yeah, that's good. All right, I'm glad. I'm glad we can still be friends.

I shouldn't have showed him. You just messed that up, you dumbass, in the Pistons jersey. Thank you, sir. Shut up. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, sir.

Okay. So, William, now the shirt. Now, what made you wear the shirt tonight? It's very interesting. Because I thought I would just accentuate my nipples. I didn't really necessarily have another shirt that really could accentuate them, and I've started doing a jazzercise thing, and I wear this to jazzercise. But, yeah, I wore it tonight. You're clapping for jazzerciser, Bam. Would you like to explain that?

I don't think you like jazz or exercise, so this is all it seems to me. I used to date a jazzercise girl. I haven't heard that word in a while. Yeah, I did too. I think your mom did jazzercise. Yeah, I think she used to do that in the fucking 90s. Holy shit. She was looking tight back then, Red Band. I don't know if you remember that, but...

But yeah, Tony, I mean, Phoenix was a lot of fun and got the stuff done. And actually, it's a miracle. I went to the dermatologist today, and now I'm actually going to get skin cancer again. But the lady thought it wasn't skin cancer, so I didn't have to go under the knife today. I almost went under the knife today. So it's a miracle. We have a miracle in our hands, people. Luckily, we have a physician's assistant here. Have you dealt with skin cancer before? No.

Yeah, would you like to come up and give a close look to William Montgomery's face? Come on up. Come on. Here she comes, everybody. A real physician's assistant. You've been hearing her reference throughout the night. Here she comes. Everybody's standing up the wrong direction, holding her up, just setting picks and blocking her. This is incredible.

How many of you love physician's assistants? Is she coming? Let's see what she says, Tony. Again, I don't know. The woman could be wrong, but... Here she comes, everybody. No, don't kiss her. Normally people are kissing up here. Yeah, right here. All right, so she's looking at it.

She's looking at it. Give her the microphone. A little liquid nitrogen might help. Ooh, a little liquid nitrogen. I can burn that with some liquid nitrogen. I get the liquid nitrogen. God! Thank God you didn't kiss, dude. I said thank God you didn't kiss. I was trying to support you. You're so eager to turn on everyone with your fucking nasty-ass nipples.

Well, it's who I am. I feel saucy tonight. Why are you so saucy? I saw you checking out your tits. I started playing Pokemon. I've never played Pokemon in my life. You might not like this, Tony, but I got a Game Boy, and it has all the Pokemon games. When I went to Phoenix, I'm a level 50-something. It's the one that looks like a smoke cloud. I'm a level 50 smoke cloud right now. It's ghastly.

By the way, D Madness was impressed by level 50. You go, I'm level 50. He goes, oh, shit. Physician's assistant, one more time. Do you think it's cancerous or would you just think you'd burn it off with liquid nitrogen no matter what? I am not going to be held responsible for any medical decisions here. We're not going to see you. With some liquid nitrogen. I don't know. I'm from Canada, so I have no... Oh, she's a Canadian physician's assistant. Physicians here anyway, so...

Is that why you have that bad body odor up here? Is that coming from you or from the fucking Australian guy? What's your name, physician's assistant? He stinks up here. Let me smell. Had a loose friend. Goodness me. What's your name? How about I in for Megan, everybody? There she goes. Give her a gel blaster, will you?

Take a gel blaster back to Canada with you. I'm kidding. Why are you such a nasty? I'm kidding. You're such a nasty. I'm kidding. I don't think you are kidding. I don't think you are kidding. I am. You're being a nasty bitch tonight, William. Well, whatever. Sometimes I'm allowed to be that way if I feel that way. And I feel that way tonight. Who hurt you? Huh? Are your parents divorced? What happened? Are they what? Can you say that word again? He fucking got me. Shit. He asked if your parents are divorced. No, they're still together.

My dad, actually, it's a bad thing going on at the Montgomery household right now. Tell us about it. Larry has freaking five cats. Ever since we all moved out of the house, they're empty nesters. Larry has five cats, and I guess one of the cats had five more babies. So there are ten feral cats living...

In my parents' house right now, my brother and his wife refused to let their daughter, my parents' granddaughter, come over to the house. So it's this giant. I was playing mediator today. They said, get rid of all 10 cats. And I said, well, they should be allowed to keep the two original cats. So I think we're there. I think they're going to be allowed to keep

Two original cats, so things are looking up. Yeah, I felt, yeah, things are looking better. It's amazing to know that in the Montgomery family, you're the mediator. That's fucking incredible. It was fun. Literally, that happened today. I talked to both parties. You think your dad's ever going to stop collecting cats? Oh, no. I think he loves it too much. I think he's never going to stop doing cats. Cats. Cats. Cats.

William, anything you want to promote or anything like that? Just Pokemon, smoke character, level 50. But yeah, when this goes out, Miami and Canada.

British Columbia, Canada! Is there a city in Canada or just the entire huge mass of Canada? I think it's on the left-hand side if you're looking at the map. Vancouver? Yes, Vancouver. There you go, Vancouver. Left-hand side, yeah, Vancouver. And then check my website. It's CamSoFunny with two O's. I'm kidding. Make some goddamn noise for William Montgomery! Thank you.

The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. Let's check out what did Chris Rogers draw tonight? Oh, Drew Nickens! Uh... Uh... Oh, yeah. Make some noise for James McCann, his first time on the show, an unbelievable fucking debut. The James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan is out there now everywhere.

How about one more time for the golden goat, Austin's own Shane Gillis, everybody. This episode was brought to you by Shopify. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land. Red Band. If you ever watch Tires on Netflix, please do. They're watching Tires. It's huge. I love you. We love you. Go re-watch Tires. Go re-watch Tires. Let's get it back to number one.

We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

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The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.