#669 - LUIS J GOMEZ + SAL VULCANO
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. It's great. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Mama, we made it. You're here. You did it. Congratulations to all of you.

You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Game Time, Squarespace, and Liquid Death. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hey! How exciting. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? That is indeed...

Charles Reid joining us on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa on the horns. Joining us from the Zac Brown Band. They're on tour doing football stadiums all around the world. This is the one and only Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The return of our dear leader, back from absolute chaos with Gary Clark Jr. all around the world. John Deese is back, everybody.

And of course, the thriving, pumping stem cell machine of a backbone that we have, our bass player D-Madness is here. How exciting. What an episode we have lined up for you tonight. Before we begin, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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God damn it. Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth on this show this week. No different. Two legends of guesting on Kill Tony. From the Impractical Jokers and the Legion of Skanks, make some noise for Sal Volcano and Luis J. Gomez. God damn it. Music, you fucking motherfuckers. What are you guys doing? Okay. I don't know whose idea Horns Only was, but I'll take it.

Is that because Lewis is Puerto Rican? Well, okey-dokey. No answer. That was a last-minute call by Matt Mewel. What? That was a last-minute call by Matt Mewel. Oh, okay, cool. Sweet. You have my family in the fucking brass section over there. Jesus Christ, dude. There they are. There they are. Welcome back, guys. Sal, hello, hello. Good to be here. What's up, everybody? What's up, Austin? We love you. You're back.

Been on the show multiple times. Life is good. I watch Impractical Jokers every time I'm on the road. I get Mario Lopez the fuck off my TV at those hotels. He haunts every hotel room around the fucking world, and I immediately put on true TV watching Impractical Jokers. Yeah, I listen to Lopez, actually, but...

I bet. I bet. But I know somebody who watches their own stuff. That's Luis J. Gomez, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, doggies? He's back. Let's go. He's back. I'm back. This is, I think, my 14th Kill Tony appearance. Yeah, you are

We are riding high up there with all-time appearances from a guest. I'm very excited that you're back, and we're doing something special tonight. You guys may know that Luis J. Gomez runs the, literally, the undisputed now greatest comedy festival in the world, Skankfest. Woo!

And tonight he has informed me with all of his good power and grace that he will be awarding one comedian a chance to perform at Skankfest. So someone tonight is going to, could be a regular, could be a golden ticket winner, could be someone out of the bucket. It could be Red Band. Who knows? We'll see what happens.

it's gonna be a crazy night i'll tell you right now uh but not only just perform tony they're gonna perform on the elite shows they're gonna be on the shows with you they're gonna be on the shows with shane gillis uh uh mark normand and big j these are gonna be big shows and we're gonna put them up in a suite in vegas we're gonna fly them out we're gonna give them the vip experience how about that it's gonna be wild is that cool or what louis j gomez contributing to the show sal

I also have every season on DVD for whoever. Impractical Jokers, many. DVD. Lots of extras. You guys did so many seasons. That might take up a large amount of someone's real estate. All the seasons of Impractical Jokers on DVD.

So, since you guys have been here multiple times, you might know. And I got the official number. 228 souls are across the street at Poor Choices right now, hoping that their name gets pulled out of this bucket. If it does, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then I interview them. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. Sometimes we find the fucking next great talent in the world. Sometimes it's a completely insane person that thought they could do this and they didn't prepare and they didn't try. And we're going to watch it all happen together. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? So...

While we go wrangle the first comedian out of the bucket from across the street, I'm going to inform you, ladies and gentlemen, that you are indeed at an extremely special episode. We are about to change the history of the show here. As I announced that we will be rotating regulars to open the show from now on. And tonight, you're going to get to meet...

One of the newest regulars of Keltoni right now. At this very moment, this live audience gets to be introduced to a man that's only been on the show one time before. He is from Estonia, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for the return. His first time as a regular, a brand new minute from Ari Mati, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Hello, America.

I recently had a date. I took a girl out to see a movie. Here's a suggestion for guys if you want to take your girl out to see a movie. Watch the movie before you go and see the movie so you can answer all of her fucking questions. Two minutes in, who's he? Let's wait and find out.

and never let her pick the movie 'cause women love some miserable shit. One time I had a girl over for dinner, I let her choose the date movie. I finished cooking dinner, we sit down to watch the movie. You know what movie she picks? She picks "A Fault in Our Stars." Oh! They both have cancer? When do I start fingering you?

before or after the chemotherapy, huh? Thank you very much. - He has arrived, ladies and gentlemen, Ari Matti's first appearance as a regular, second time ever on this show. We still have so much to learn about Ari Matti. Welcome, Ari. - Welcome to my world. - Yes, absolutely. I'm happy to be part of it. When do I get that wacky accent? - Yes.

Estonia. Yes. So you have, I'll give a little bit of background information that I have about you, which is that you were on the show once before, and in between that time and before and since you've been around, everybody fucking loves you. You get booked all the time here. You are absolutely hysterical. I can't wait to show the world how fucking funny you are. Thank you. It's a no-brainer to have someone like you here.

So tell us more about you, Ari, Maddy. Tell the people what we don't know, which is a lot, other than you finger girls during shitty movies. That's all we know. Well, I'm from Estonia. I'm a superstar there. But it's, I mean, it's Estonia, so kind of like a tree falls but nobody hears situation. There's literally less people there than there in this room, so...

And also, oh, if anybody's in Dallas, I have a show there. Two tickets sold, please, for the love of God. I am financially fucked. You have to tip in this country. I hate it.

So when's your show in Dallas exactly? 16th of June, I think. Okay. I don't think this episode's going to be out by then, but those two people are going to have a great time. Well, then fuck them. I love it, Ari. So welcome to the show again, and tell us more about you. How long have you been in America? Well...

16 days. 16 days. Yes. And how about before that? I was here for two months, but I cannot talk about that due to visa restrictions. I was not on this show. This is my first time. Right. I have not worked illegally. Perfect. You're in luck. We don't pay you. Yeah, exactly. There's no traces of any payment to be had. Enjoy those free drinks after the show.

I love it. So what do we have to do to make you an American? How does this work? You have to make me a superstar quick. Okay. I have eight months on my work visa, so I need to fucking Grand Theft Auto unlock these islands quick, okay? I gotta make it, baby! I don't have time to grind in Omaha. If you see Joe Rogan, tell him I'm fucked.

I love you. You are amazing. Now, what is Estonia known for? Tell us more about your home. We have a castle and we have me. What's at the castle? Well, it's like a castle. You ever... Yeah, but is it a special... Like a real one, not the American fake white castle. It's like an actual place where people died. Wow. Who died there? Why were they dying? I don't know about that. Uh...

Well, Estonia, okay, so short history. We were founded in 1992, so we don't really have a backlog of stories. Limp Bizkit is older than my country. You know what I'm saying? What was it before? Soviet Union. Okay, so how long until Putin tries to take this place back? In the next eight months.

We have compulsory military service. I did not go because I'm a pussy. I love it. How have you made a living up to this point before you were a comedian? What type of jobs did you have? I was a bartender because of the pussy. You love pussy. Is that an Estonian thing? No. Oh.

You ever heard of pussy, Tony? Yeah, no. No, I've never heard of such a thing. I don't know a lot about you, but comedians have told me some interesting things. Oh, yes. I'm gay. Is that what you heard? Yes. Yes, exactly. It seems to be the running joke about me. Anyway...

What's up? What are you doing later? No, I'm kidding. So tell me more. What's your love life like? Really bad. Do you love American women? Oh, you know what I'm obsessed with right now? They don't want me, but the Latinos... I do believe you mean Latinas. I'm into Latinas. If we're playing your little Tony's Gay game. I like the nos, you like the nas.

You're into Latinas. They're like super, you know, the way they look at you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're going to rob you. Please, take my, take everything. I don't give a fuck. Just give me some of that purple bacon. Purple bacon? Oh, my God. Wow. I have never heard it described so perfectly. Somebody told me they have the pussies. Anyway...

Sal Volcano, what are you thinking over here? I hear all those wheels turning. My mind is... I feel like I dropped acid. You... So many different things come together to make who you are. You remind me of Robin Williams meets Yakov Smirnoff. Yeah.

But no, it's because of the accent... What a country. Yes. I mean, because of the accent, you feel like, okay, maybe you're still getting... But then you just have such self-awareness, and then you pull out something like purple bacon, which I've never heard of in my entire life, but... I heard a black guy say it, so... It's really... Okay. Okay.

Yeah. That'll do you good. Just repeat everything you hear from them. Black guys are so funny. They are. I would say anything... Black guys are by default like six years into comedy. Absolutely. By default. I completely agree with you. They are also the very best roasters in the world, naturally. Looking like a motherfucking... Yeah, shit, you gay. Looking like a motherfucking gay-ass motherfucker. Looking like a...

That's what they say, and it's the best setup for looking like a... looking like a motherfucking... It's like a speed bag. Looking like a motherfucking... It just lands every time. They don't need the white guy like, you know what you look like, mister. They fucking... Looking like a motherfucking... It's unbelievable. The only person who doesn't do good looking like a jokes, D-Madness. Because he has no fucking idea. Smelling like a motherfucking purple bacon.

We're having fun here. Ari-- Thank you. Thank you, D. -Luis J. Gomez. -Look, I think Ari's great. He's super charming. I hung out with him a couple nights in a row right now, and you know what, dude? I really like you, despite you being an actual Nazi. -He told me that. -Yes. He told me that behind closed doors. Yes. I've heard he's very popular here now. Donald Trump! Okay, good news. We just got you a visa! It's coming in November.

And so is he.

I love it, Ari Matty. I'm so excited to have you on the fold here. He will be rotating opening positions here with Hans Kim, of course, the great. So Hans is going to get one-third less of a workload. But, of course, since he's a reigning defending Hall of Famer, he can also perform any night that he wants because we love Hansy Boy. And you guys are going to get to meet the other new opening regular that we'll be rotating in at some point during this episode. Sound good? Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

Alright, so scientists the other day, they discovered the location of the clitoris on the snakes. I don't know about you, but this is just more confirmation that women are snakes. That's all that is. If you didn't like that one, then... If you know who Frances McDormand is, the actress, she was in a movie a couple years ago called Women Talking.

I didn't see it personally, but I am waiting for the sequel. It's called Bitch, Shut the Fuck Up. It's directed by a Puerto Rican. It's really good. And the city of Seattle announced a couple months ago that they were no longer going to be investigating sexual assault cases. They said, we don't have the manpower, we're underfunded, and we have a new chief of police, and it's Bill Cosby.

Hey, hey, who the fuck is gonna sexually assault blue-haired, greaseball fucking bulldog bitches, dude? I don't know. - Okay, Jesus Eliezer? - Eliezer. - Eliezer. - Yeah. - Uncle Eliezer. - Eliezer. - I love it. Welcome to the show. You are a mustache away from being a lady that owns 12 cats. Has anyone ever told you that before?

That is somewhat accurate, yeah. If you shaved that thing, you would be one of the scariest looking women of all time. Jesus, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? First time up was 2015 in LA. Okay. You've been doing it steady since then? Sporadically, and I'm getting better at doing it steady. I like the look. Black pants, plain black t-shirt. You look like Louis C. Quesadilla. Yeah.

Oh, which reminds me, I forgot to bring out a superstar, ladies and gentlemen. She is one of the legendary band members of the show. I completely forgot to bring her out. I'm going to bring her out right now. It is indeed Jet Ski Jesse Johnson, everybody. Thank you.

Jet ski says funny shit, and when she does, you pretend like you're riding a jet ski. Practice. There you go. Good job. Okay, back to this ugly motherfucker. Jesus, very fun. So you've been doing it since 2015, and then what did you say? And then when you were at the Vulcan, I was on one of the episodes. Oh, you were on the show. How did that go? It went well. It was super memorable, Tony. Yeah.

Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis was the guy. Oh, okay. We love Shane. We talked about L.A. We talked about L.A. We talked about... I did a little bit of time in jail. Okay, let's talk about that. Why did you do time in jail, Jesus? Okay. It was a violent crime, so...

Okay, let's talk about it. It's okay, Jesus. This is what we do. Now you're a guest on a podcast and there's nothing interesting about you except for this part. So we got to find out about it, Jesus. Sal, you want to take a guess? I think it's beating a woman. I don't know why I think that. Just a minute of straight clues.

As a feminist, you're a feminist, yeah? Yes, I am. It's odd. It's odd, yeah. I feel like he just did his thing. It was a gay guy. Remember I talked about the Jason... Stop saying member and fucking be present. It was... I worked at a video arcade that had glory holes. Uh-huh.

And there was a night that a gay guy just got a little too... First of all, it is kind of crazy that I don't remember this at all. I have to acknowledge the fact that this show is so nuts and it's so hard to host that I have to just digest shit and let it go. You would think I would remember, me especially, me as a super gay man.

that there was an arcade with glory holes. This sounds like so much fun. You could fucking Pac-Man and Pac-A-Man at the same time. This is absolutely incredible. Oh, looks like I just achieved a new level.

You know what that sound means. Okay, so Jesus, you're working at an arcade where there's glory holes. First of all, what are you doing? Hopefully not the J-Mopper. I am the Jizz Mopper. Are you really? I swear to God. Well, he wore the outfit tonight, so. Hold on. I am the Jizz Mopper. You promise you're not being funny, right? I swear to God that was my job. We need this to be serious. Let's be serious here. I swear to God that was my job. You were the Jizz Mopper?

At the end of the night, I mopped up all the juice. At the end of the night? That's not like a fucking, that's not like the groundskeepers during a baseball game. You're not like out there sweeping during the fucking innings. You wait till the very end and just fucking wait for the mother load? Luis J. Gomez. I feel like we could turn him upside down and make him the juice mop. Oh my God. Okay. Continue. The,

The gay guy I got crazy with. I didn't know he was gay. I thought he was Puerto Rican. Doesn't matter. Sure. That's what we all know about Louis. You know how they are, right? I never thought I lived to see the day where a jizz mobber references Francis McDormand. Oh, me here, the jizz mobber. Let me tell you, I didn't think he was gay. I thought I was doing a Puerto Rican hate crime. Your rationale is incredible. Go ahead, Jesus. I lay there.

Yeah, things are a little out of control. Tell us about that part. How did things get out of control? I don't want to share the details because they are psychotic. They are like deranged. How many do you think you should share the details? So Jesus, when you hear that picture a million more people watching this episode and then factor in if you want to talk about the interesting parts.

This dude came in coked out. He was, like, really disrespectful. Usually... What was he doing that was disrespectful? I was just trying to talk to him normally about, you know, there's two bucks to get in, blah, blah, blah. Two bucks? And he started... Two bucks? The cover is two dollars? Two dollars. Holy shit. What the fuck? What, what?

Whoa, wait a second. Hold on. Wait a second. Sal. I know what you're trying to say. You didn't mention you worked at a high-end place. Are the arcade games just a quarter?

No, no, you got to put money in the... It's like one of those like feed the dollar and there's porno on the TV. Oh, so it's not really arcade. It's North Hollywood, yeah? Red Band knows. Red Band knows. There you go. Okay. And he started getting real crazy like, I know how much it costs, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, it was towards the end of the night. I said, get the fuck out. I don't want to deal with this. He started banging on the counter. I lost my mind.

I mean, dude, you're covered in cum at this point, so. I understand, you're not in the right head space. - Two dollar cover over here. - I heard him bad enough to where the cops were like, "What the fuck are you doing?" - What did you do, smash his head? Like, what did you do? - I sucked his cock off his body. - What could you have possibly have done to this? Did you curb stomp him? Like, what happened?

Dude, stop reliving it in your head right now. Just tell the story. His eyes went like into the back of his head. He was like... Share it with us. We want to know, dude. You look like you were just watching The Grateful Dead at the Sphere. I turned around and grabbed the first thing I saw. And it was... Wait, hold on. What? Enunciate, motherfucker. Give us a chance to work with you here.

At the end of the night, we lock up the doors with a chain. Oh, gotcha. I turn around, I grab it off the wall. I was just gonna just get out of here. You were just gonna beat him once. I was just gonna do one chain lashing. But once you pop, you can't stop. That's not too far off the mark. He's like a bad guy from Double Dragon. This is... We've...

We had crazy assholes come in. So I kind of had like a routine. Grab the chain, act scary. But this fucking idiot reached out and grabbed it. And it was like a tug of war. Uh-huh. Nothing worse than a tug of war through a glory hole. It's just no real winner on this one. That's a hug of war. Way to bring the laughter down. That's what I'm here for.

He started pulling on it and he stupidly went down on the ground. Pulling on what? The chain. Oh, okay. I just want to make sure. He went down on the ground on all fours with his ass up? So I... I love how calculated you are with these answers. You answer questions exactly like Elon Musk answers questions. And I don't think he was ever a jizz mopper before. Basically, I strangled this guy with a chain.

This is Kill Tony. You strangled him with a chain, and then what did you do? I strangled him pretty bad. He almost died. Okay. They gave me a year. A year in prison. Because it was a gay guy, so. Right. Again, I thought he was Puerto Rican. So, did they call it a hate crime? They were going to, because he was...

Yeah. Did you? Well, what makes it a hate crime? Because that's kind of interesting. Well, when the cops came and arrested me, I'm going, you guys got to fucking come here more often because we would call them. They'd never come. And they're recording me saying all this crazy shit. You called them the F word. I said that. I said, these fucking faggot motherfuckers, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, you guys never come here, blah, blah, blah.

He's like, "Oh, they recorded me on their chest cams. That was a bad idea." Do you know how many fucking people are watching right now? You psycho! Stop talking! I don't have a career. I don't care. Sal? I give a fuck about the Internet. Suck my dick. The cops were literally the only people who didn't come.

Jesus, did you end up with a joke book last time you were on? Yeah. A small one? A big one. A big one? Well, congratulations, my friend. Have a good night. There he goes. Jesus, your second bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, look at this. The lovely, absolute goddamn smoke show.

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So head to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash killtony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Your next bucket full is one of you. Inside, ladies and gentlemen, makes a Graszewski. Jordan. Oh, my God. Here he is. There he goes. Jordan Graszewski from reference. Make some goddamn noise. Graszewski.

Crazy. All right. I almost left because I was going to try to find that arcade store where the last guy worked, but I'm here, so. I'm in a new relationship that started recently, and, you know, she's trying to fill me in on, like, all of her friends, and you can't follow along. And she explains her friends by their bangs or what shoes they wear. Come on. What do we want to know?

Did she get a BBL last week? Or is there dump truck sounds when she's backing up into a room? That's what we're interested in. Before I got this girlfriend, though, you know, went a long time without one. And the whole time I was in school, I was always interested in teachers hooking up with kids. And it was never the ones that didn't have any friends. It was always the popular ones. And that's their problem, not mine.

All right, Jordan Grazuski. Welcome, Jordan. Okay, you bombed. That's what I was here for. I love it. Were you the guy that Jesus beat to death?

Yeah, my neck just healed up. I love it. Welcome, welcome, Jordan. Is this your first time trying comedy? It is, yeah. Congratulations, Jordan, I guess. I guess I'll say congratulations. How does it feel? Tell the people out there that might be thinking about trying this. What does it feel? Look out there. What do you not... How does it feel right now? What did you not counteract for here? What went wrong?

The bright light helps, you can't see, but... Fucked up, man, I'm sorry. You're a piece of shit, dude. Just being inclusive. And, yeah, just prepare more, I guess. Okay, absolutely. How old are you? 27. 27, and your voice is still cracking.

I'm dehydrated from being outside. Why are you dehydrated? Because it's hot as fuck out. Okay. Do you drink water? Yeah. Okay. Not enough. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm Jordan. I drink water, everybody. I'm in a new relationship. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was going to go look for the arcade because my phone's locked up and I was right here just a second ago. Okay.

Jordan, what do you do for a living? You're 27 years old. Where do you live? I live in Cleveland. Cleveland, Ohio. And what do you do for work? I work in software, and I'm a professional boxer. You're a professional boxer? Wait a second. I need some boxing music. We got to have you shadow box. How many of you want to see Jordan shadow box? Here he is, everybody. Doing a little... Oh, shit. Wait, you have to... Wow.

Wow, look at that. Oh my God, absolutely incredible. I'll tell you right now, I take boxing. Jordan the mouse, a rubber ducky. Anyone ever tell you you sound like a rubber ducky before? No.

Let's try that one more time. Anybody ever tell you you sound like a rubber ducky? There you go. Okay, Louis? He just tried to deepen his voice. He was like, no, never. No, no one's ever told me I've ever been a rubber ducky before. Okay. So, Jordan, you work in software and you box. Do you box for a living? Like, you make money doing that? Yeah. Okay. That explains the brain damage. There you go. There it is. Okay.

How long you been boxing for? I've been boxing for five years pro since last September. Wow. And what's your record? 2-0. 2-0. Holy shit. And where are you at? The Cleveland Convention Center? I did fight there as an amateur. Wow. I was just guessing. I didn't really think I would be right about that. Turns out if you say any city and then convention center, you got a good chance.

I love it. So what is your love life like? Are you really in a new relationship? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I could kind of see why girls would. You have Pete Davidson's tattoos and his comedy act. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, look at the New Yorkers looking at me like I'm crazy. How dare you? How dare you talk about our sweet boy? Do you know his father died in 9-11? Boring! All right.

Nobody cares. - He's a made man, Tony. You don't do that. - Oh, oh, ooh, ooh. What are you gonna fly an airplane into? I'm friends with Ahmad Jihad. So how about that? Send the planes, Pete. Send the fucking planes. - This is your account. - He's making that Taco Bell money. He doesn't care.

All right. So, Jordan, tell us more about you. What's something interesting we would find, we would think is cool about you? Before I started boxing, I lost like 100 pounds. Oh, you used to be a fat boy, huh? Yeah. Okay. All right. How'd you lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost the weight. Eating Chinese pussy.

Well, I mean, as it were, somehow he manages to find 3,000 calories in that pussy every night. It's those Koreans, man. I've been telling you. Fuck that. Oh, yours is Korean? Yes, you racist. Asian racism in me? Sorry. Wouldn't know anything about it. He's so close. Redman does boxing. To go boxing. Yes.

Look at the hands up for Jet Ski. Oh my god. So you've been eating Chinese pussy for how long now? A few years. Right after you eat it, do you want to eat more? No, I usually run to the bathroom. Okay. I love it. Wait, what? Wait.

What does that even mean? Oh, you're saying you get diarrhea. Okay. Yeah. There you go. Not that brain damaged. Okay. There you go. Okay. He just tapped his own head, everybody. There's something up there. I love it. Okay. I just want to know why, like, if he's successful at boxing, why would he try to do something he's so bad at?

My guess is you're a big fan of the show. You're a fellow Ohioan like me and Red Band, and you thought, why not go to the show? And fuck, if I'm going to go, might as well sign up. I might not have a good minute, but I could probably fucking bob and weave in the interview part, right? And here you are. Am I correct? All right, you did it. Darn it. Darn it. Oh, my God. Hey, Adrian. Adrian.

That was a fucking rocky set. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Jordan Grazuski, ladies and gentlemen. And now, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you would say that Jordan just bombed? Make some noise. Well, oh yeah, give him a little joke, Buck. I forgot to give him a joke. Oh, there he is. That's right. You're right here. Fucking amazing.

So, just give me a little bit lower for a second here while I explain to this audience that now, because somebody bombed on the show, right now, at this moment, this is that moment where you find out who the newest rotating regular is. Because this man is famous for cleaning up other people's messes.

The fixer, if you will. The old repairman, if you will. How many of you watched this past Monday's episode that came out?

Well, now, I am proud to introduce only his second night ever on the show. He's been driving from Dallas for ten and a half months. He's only been on the show one night, and in that one night, he made eight separate appearances on this stage. I am proud to present the newest guest

Kill Tony regular. And he is the great and powerful True Nickens. - All right! How y'all doing tonight? All right. Being the black man that I am, I cannot get my hair cut by white people. I fuck my shit all the way up like it's potato salad. But I did meet someone special. His name was E. He was real cool. He let me get the ox.

He said I was stupid 'cause LeBron was better than Jordan. But you know, I was so happy because he finally saw me as a black king. Wakanda sometimes. I'm only half. I was ready to buy the tzatziki, and then I walked into his barbershop, and he goes, "What's up, my Jewish homie? Dog, y'all ever crywalk in the haircut?" I was so sad, I had one tear drop down my face like I was a starving African kid.

So you know what I did? I did the whitest thing possible. I didn't snitch. I just gave him a two and a half star Yelp review. Thank you all so much. - Drew Nickens is back. An instant legend on the show. Now, Drew, your episode, your debut episode of "Kill Tony" came out seven days ago exactly. How is your life? - It is insane.

All the people that have sent me support, I thank y'all. My energy drink dealer, that means the cashier at GNC, he even recognized me. I was so excited! Like, women don't go, "Ew!" when they see me in email. They go, "Ooh! Let's go!" Now, a little fun fact.

Normally, I would just... I would ignore the fact that you said energy drink dealer. But I had a chance to graze over your Instagram page once.

because one of my favorite things to do nowadays is to, is to when I know somebody's about to blow up on the show, I go to their Instagram page and I screenshot how many followers they have at that time. And I'll give a little glance. I'll see what they have cooking. Now, how many of you by any chance, I don't know if anybody else did this, make some noise if you've seen Drew Nickens' Instagram page.

Okay, that's a pretty decent amount of people. Let me explain to you guys that he literally does energy drink reviews. Oh. It is unbelievable. The first one, I'm like, whoa, I think I fucked up.

This guy has like, the first one I'm like, oh no, he's doing an energy drink review. It doesn't really seem funny. Like it's not that comedy driven. And then by the second, once I realized that he does it all the time for every different energy drink out there and it starts on the can and it zooms out and he's there waving. Oh, hi, I didn't see you there.

I watched him drink like 140 cans of energy drink. Every single one is funnier than the next. There were so few likes, there were so few comments on these things, and I just know this library's gonna blow the fuck up. There's not a doubt in my mind you're going to buy, without a doubt, any fucking second have an energy drink deal.

Is that what you're in the market for? Yes, sir. I want to be a sommelier of energy drinks. Yeah. Or sommelier. I don't know how to pronounce it. It's good enough. You don't have to. I want to know what's the best energy drink. Oh, Lord have mercy. This is his territory. Rockstar Recovery Orange, if you like Tang.

Or if you really want to be cracked out and scratch your face a little bit, shotgun a bucked up, you know what I'm saying? - Wait, you shotgun these sometimes? - Yes, yes! - Have you ever seen him shotgun something? It's crazy. - Yeah, he's seen it. - He asked me, 'cause I always wear a Rockstar video game hat, he's like, "What's your favorite kind of Rockstar energy drink?" And I'm like, "That's not the same company, man."

It doesn't matter to Drew. It doesn't matter. I absolutely fucking love it. So another fun fact is that after his last appearance, we were at Mitzi's, the bar here, and I was immediately nervous to see him there because I'm like, oh, no, this guy's going to get drunk and ruin his career before it even starts. But sure enough, I remember your order. Can I say it? Yeah, yeah, you can say it.

I said, Drew, do you want a water? That's what I say to people that I want to stay sober. I go, do you want a water or something? And he goes, I'll have a Red Bull pineapple. Yeah, I'm wild, ladies. Anyway, so you're sober, right? Yes, sir, three years. Right, you just seem trashed all the time and you're completely sober. I love it. You wouldn't need any of that. You don't need any of that crap in your life. It's not going to mix well with you. Yes.

I mean, I absolutely love you, Drew. This is your first time seeing Drew Nickens, you guys, right? Lewis and Sal? Yes. I see everyone on the Kill Tony subreddit is going crazy over you, dude. Yeah. They love you. Yeah, they love you. So I was very excited to see you. You have a very sweet energy. I feel like I want to invite you into my home, but I wouldn't let you pet my cat because you'd kill it. Damn it! Oh!

He does have a very sweet energy from all the sweet energy drinks. How many energy drinks would you say you had today? So I don't count by cans. I count by milligrams now. Because when you just count cans, it could be like, I had six, and it's only 600 milligrams. Or if I had four, and it's like 800 milligrams.

So you had none today then? No, no, no, no, no. I had 800. 800 milligrams of energy drinks. Yes, four ghost energy. Yeah, everything seems urgent. Have you talked to a doctor about your heart for real?

Why would I ruin that type of fun? I don't get to drink and I don't get to do drugs. Don't kill my joy. So, you realize as you get pulled over, you're going to jail no matter what. No, I'll get like one of those special green smocks. It'll be fun. He's been to jail.

So what made you start to go by milligrams, just out of curiosity? Because I was like, wow, I had four Red Bulls, and I don't feel like I'm hyper. I don't feel like I'm living life. So what is the proper amount in your mind of, what's the range of milligrams that you like to go through? So a chill... Wait, I fucked up. Go ahead. All right, so 400 milligrams, if I'm just trying to survive the day...

650 if I don't have to drive more than 30 minutes. I live in DFW, that should give you a hint. And then extreme danger, okay, I'm floating and I'm talking to space, is 1,200 milligrams. I was trying to get to that part, but it's very hard to do. Turns out Red Band's job is harder than it looks. I was trying to get to the a milli, a milli, a milli. There you go. Yeah, there you go.

For milligrams. Oh! Dang, you smart! Woo! I think we got a new theme song for him. I'd love to see you at a wake. I've only been to, like, three funerals. They don't like me there. They don't like you there. No, they're like, that guy's having too much fun. He's over there fucking shotgunning Red Bulls over a coffin.

Tell us something else about your life that we didn't learn last time you were on. So before I worked legal poker, I used to work illegal poker. Wait, I didn't even know that you work legal poker. What do you do for poker? Okay, so I'm a cashier. They let me work with money. They're stupid. But I work in a legal room where you don't rake out of the pots. They only take $13 an hour now.

Okay. And for every seat. So that's how they make their money. Before that, I worked the underground scene. Okay. Tell us about the underground scene. All right, boys. They were even stupider. They let me be security. I'm in this. I'm in this.

But it was really interesting because they'd take money out of the pots. There would be girls there. There would be any type of drink you wanted. How many girls would there be there? Little, little, little.

A milli, right? No, there would be like at least three girls to every ten guys. Wow. Okay. They didn't talk to me unless it was to take out the trash, though. Right. Okay. That makes sense. And then anything crazy ever happen there? Well. Okay, relax. I fucked up.

Well, one of the crazy things was, like, I would walk into the bathroom, 'cause it would be unlocked, and there would be, like, some canoodling going on. Ooh, what kind of canood-- When you say "canoodling," what exactly do you mean? Uh, fornication. Um, fellatio. Oh. There was a gay guy, there was a chain, uh... -There was a lot. -Yeah.

This is wild. Poker in the front, arcade in the back. Drew, you are the fucking man. We have so much time to spend and find out more about you because you are the new regular on the show. Couldn't be more excited about it. Make some noise one more time for Drew Nickens, everybody. Oh, we got to wait. All right.

Let's do a golden ticket winner, everybody. Actually, let's go back to the bucket. We're gonna go to the golden ticket winner next. Back to the bucket we go. We're gonna meet this guy all together. Make some noise for Pierre M, everybody. Pierre M. What's up, y'all? I know y'all are expecting something different, but I am Pierre. You know, I know what I look like. I know exactly what I look like, bro. I've never been to jail. I take care of my kids. It's gonna be okay. I swear to God.

Listen, the only thing keeping me out of prison is literally rape, dog. Fuck doing life in prison. Fuck having to fight a bunch of white guys, skinheads. Have y'all seen Oz? Y'all familiar with Oz? All right, yeah. I work out a lot, obviously. So what I realized working out was, if I really was into rape, though, like in a village situation, I could rape like 98% of y'all. I thought about it.

I did the math, but I work out only for a plan B just in case. If this room went crazy, I don't want any of you white women, swear to God. No offense, y'all look great, y'all look great, but I see what happens when black dudes get white women. We running down the street getting chased by ... I can't fuck with it. But in a village situation, bro, I can have my pick, bro. I'm looking around. I mean, it's a couple of y'all. I can do what I want with y'all, bitch.

I was thinking about us new black people, right? I was like, I'm not calling us lazy. I don't think we're lazy, right? But I don't think we would make good slaves. Can you imagine Harriet Tubman? Harriet Tubman? Who is it? Harriet Tubman. Look, they got my black heart. Wow. Pierre M., ladies and gentlemen. Pierre, Pierre, Pierre. What? Bitch.

Welcome to the show, Pierre. What's up, man? This is incredible. Your first time on? Yes, sir. Wow. I don't even know where to begin with you. You're like a healthy David Lucas. I know David. I've told him that. I've told him that. I said, bro, if you get in shape, we could be like a duo or something. You're like slavid Lucas.

Ain't no way I look more slave than David, bro. Ain't no fucking way. I love it. David has the softest hands of a black man I ever felt in my life. He's never done any manual labor in his life. It's true. Yeah. Softest hands I've ever felt. It's true. Well, that's from massaging sticks of butter all day. Yeah. I love David, though, bro. I love David. We all love David. Absolutely. How long you been doing stand-up? I went hard for like two years ago for like two months. And when you go hard, I'd imagine 17 inches is my guess. Yeah.

I do all right, bro. A little something. I do all right. I bet. Pierre is also how they describe the smell of R. Kelly's bedroom, by the way. I don't know if you know that. Luis J. Gomez.

If you're here, who's fucking my wife back at home right now? - What color is your wife, bro? - She's a white bitch. You know what's up, doggy. - You're safe, bro. I swear to God. - You don't like white chicks? - I mean, no, I don't. - Oh, my God. You poor white chicks. You know what he would do to you? Holy shit. - I'm terrified of white women. Terrified. - Terrified of what? - White women. White girls. You know, I'm terrified. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - They can't always talk about-- - The good news is they're terrified of you.

I don't know, bro. These new white women in Austin are so nice. The racism, I kind of miss it because I get approached a lot. I don't trust, listen, I'm not racist. I don't trust white people at all, bro. Tell us more. Tell us more about this distrust. Because they always come at you with a passive racism. Y'all know, like, hey, what apartment do you live in? Do you live here? And I'm like, bro...

Like, it's super nice. They get into your space with the nice shit, and they're like, "Nigga." You know, it slips out. It's like right there on that board. I know what you want. I know what you want from me. I know nothing of that, Pierre, but who let you in tonight? Huh? Yeah. Are you kidding? No. No. Oh. Listen, I know you said you could probably rape almost anyone, but good luck catching Drew.

Yeah. Drew's on energy drinks. Oh, yeah, I heard. I heard he's on it. He'll turn your penis sideways and shotgun it. I'm not a white man either, so... How many milliliters are you talking? What? How many milliliters are we talking? A milli, a milli, a milli, a milli.

Oh my God. Okay. Pierre. Okay. So you've been doing stand-up how long again? I would say like two months, two years ago. So not long at all. Not enough to be consistent. Okay. So a couple years. You're absolutely hilarious. I appreciate it, man. Your stage presence is unbelievable. Thank you. What do you do for work? I drive 18-wheelers.

You drive 18-wheel trucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That is incredible. Yeah, I have a job. It's a lot of guys over there that are homeless. I guess being homeless is part of being a comedian, so I miss that part. No, it's good to have a job. You don't have to be homeless. All right. Some people just...

are insane. - Yeah, man, I see you. - You can do both. That's good. How long you been driving 18 wheelers for? - Six years. No, like eight years, sorry. - Okay, awesome. - I work for Pepsi. I deliver sodas. I mean, that's the same shit, 18 wheelers. - Nice, absolutely. - Some fat guy in the back. - I love Pepsi.

Serving diabetes, man, you know. Passing it out. Your shirt says New York. Is that where you're from? Nah, I just went thrift. It's a thrift shirt. Oh, okay. All right. I'm born and raised in Austin, Texas. I see all the black guys...

I see all the black guys y'all have here, and I'm like, bro, none of these niggas are from Austin. I swear to God. They're like communes, bro. I was born here in Austin, on the east side of Austin. I grew up in Del Valle, though. That's like right outside Austin. Yeah. But yeah, whole life here in Austin, Texas. Oh, that's amazing. I've been trying to sneak in, bro. It's hard to get in this bitch.

I love it. No, you're in. You have arrived, Pierre. What would you tell people that are moving to Austin, Texas? What's your advice? If you were going to be the head of tourism for Austin, Texas, what would you... Are y'all sponsored by the barbecue place y'all always eat at? What is it, Blacks? Are y'all sponsored by it? CM Smokehouse. Is that sponsored? To some effect, I mean, yes. We're good. So I would go outside like Elgin. Elgin probably has the best barbecue. You would say don't go to the sponsor for the show.

You said it. I agree with you, though. I wouldn't go there. Have you been there? Yeah, I've been there. It's good. It's good. But I think the best barbecue is like outside, like Lockhart and Elgin. They got the best barbecue. Right. Well, yeah, not all of us are down to drive hours and hours a day like you. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right.

Okay. So I asked you how you would be the tourism head of Austin. You went straight into recommending ribs and chicken for everybody. Austin's not the same. I don't even know Austin no more, bro. All these rich people came and gentrified everything.

I don't even recognize where the fuck I'm at, which is dope. I mean, y'all got the money, you can buy the houses, but fuck, it's tough, man. I don't even know the east side of Austin no more. They got like million dollar houses. Well, yeah, the east side was, that was where we could almost say what the ghetto, right? I mean, yeah, it's pretty project. It's projects and shit. Yeah, it was at one point called Blacks

Am I correct? - I guess, bro. I know before I was born. - Yo, Tony. - I know this. I did research when I first got here. - Yeah, now we see like white women jogging with babies and shit. - I googled what part of Austin to not go to, and it said the east side, and that it was once called Blacksville. And that night, 'cause I just got here, I did a joke about how it was once called Blacksville and nobody laughed.

And I remember that very specifically, that I was the only person that knew about Blacksville. Blacksville? I never heard of it. No, that's a... Southville. South...

I love you with a San Santino. South Volcano. You were born and raised here, but you don't really recognize it anymore because you said a lot of rich white people moved in. Not even rich white people, just rich people, period. But you said rich white people moved in and gentrified it? Yeah. It slips out sometimes. Oh, you're looking at me? Oh, yeah, Tony's rich, yeah, of course. Well, I mean... Y'all pretty rich, right? You live here, too?

No, I was just making fun of Tony. Sal's the richest out of all of us. By far. By leaps and bounds. By $100 million. No, no, no, no, no, no. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm considering driving 18-wheelers. Come on, bro. Lewis needs a job. I would love to drive some 18-wheelers, dude. No, you don't, bro. That's just a nightmare. That sounds great.

You don't do that at all, bro. Nah, hell no. Well, we're trying to get Lewis to move here so that it's de-gentrified. He's gonna trash this place. More color than Austin? I like that, bro. He's gonna take it back. So, Pierre, you said you're afraid of white women, so is it black women exclusively for you? Is that your thing? I mean, right now, I'm kind of playing with the black-Latin... I'm with a mix right now, so... You're with a midget? Mixed. Oh. Oh.

- I was gonna say that. - Nah, nah, nah, no midgets, no midgets. - That poor midget pussy just fucking getting absolute-- - Nah, I'm not afraid of white women, it's just I don't, we don't, our dynamic never matches. I don't really get 'em, I don't understand 'em. - Have you been on a date with a white woman? - Yeah. - How does that go? Like where do you go on a date? - We met at a park and it was hot as fuck. It was her idea, right? - Meet at the park, right? - It was a park. - In public, she saw your, so she obviously, she obviously saw your profile picture. She's like, "Let's meet out front of the police department."

Bro, yeah, I mean, maybe... You'll be able to find me. I'll be the one wearing the rape whistle and a rose. And a rose. She hit me up. Bro, she hit me up, though. It was back in my-- when I was, like, outside a lot, dating. But, yeah, we went to a park, and she brought, like-- she had a cat. She brought her cat to the park. She brought her cat to the park? Yeah, bro, she brought her cat to the park. And she brought the food, and the food was, like, real mayonnaise-y. I wouldn't fucking with it.

A bunch of aioli. Aioli was on everything. I don't fuck with aioli, bro, at all. They're not all like that, Pierre. Bro, she brought, like, aioli sandwiches. I don't fuck with aioli, bro. She was cute, though. And the blue eyes scared the shit out of me, bro. Maybe I'm the racist. I don't know. Apparently. Blue eyes scare you? Yeah, man. It's like soulless, man. Oh, shit. There's nothing in there, bro. What are you looking? It's like blue eyes look through you. They're not seeing you.

They don't see color, man. I don't know. I don't know. These are just things I think about. Like I said, maybe I'm the racist. I don't know. No, no. I love you, Pierre. You're fucking amazing. Don't change a single thing. Everything you say is kind of funny. I appreciate it, bro. Absolutely. By the way, he's so fucking naturally charismatic. He's awesome, dude. You haven't been doing it in a couple months, dude. You should keep on trying to do comedy. You really should. You have a thing.

Very funny. What's the longest set you've ever done? I've done like five minutes. Five minutes? That's it? Mm-hmm. He blew that bitch's back out. Oh, you're the worst. She couldn't walk after that. Do you want to do five minutes at the Secret Show Thursday? Hell yeah! There you go. That's how you can start people's careers, Red Band. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Here's the big joke, folks. Make some noise for Pierre, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness.

He has arrived. Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Liquid Death. Look, you've seen the cans before to the naked eye. It may look like a beer or some crazy energy drink, but it's not. Perhaps you've noticed a coworker cracking a tall boy at your 9 a.m. meeting and you thought they were a nasty little alcoholic.

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That is amazing, Red Band. My favorite flavor is severed lime, and I drink it every time I need a cold one. It's also super fun to drink in public because people think it's a beer, and drinking beer makes you look cool, and I love looking cool. But do you know what's really cool? Staying hydrated. Get free shipping of Liquid Death's Mountain Water, flavored sparkling and iced tea 8-packs with Amazon Prime, or grab a can or a case at your local 7-Eleven, Target, Walmart, Whole Foods, or on Instacart. Go to liquiddeath.com slash Tony to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beers.

beverages and find your closest retailer. That's liquiddeath.com slash Tony. Liquiddeath.com slash Tony right now. Oh, yeah. We have a golden ticket winner here, ladies and gentlemen. This guy won a golden ticket all the way back five or six years ago in Portland, Oregon. Make some noise for him. It's the return of Todd Royce, everybody. It's been a long time. Todd Royce, everybody.

I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm not great at fucking. And it's unfortunate because my wife is amazing at sex, or so I've heard. I don't know if that's true or not. Well, you hear the other comics talk and... I'm joking. My wife has never fucked a comedian. And by the way, I'm sorry if that ruins your perception of me when you saw me walk through that curtain. If you were like, man, I bet this guy can lace and pipe. No.

Turns out, not so much. I just always-- and now it's gotten even worse, now that I'm in my 40s. And I know I look a little young for my age, but that's 'cause I'm a health nut. And... They say black don't crack while obese don't crease. So... I just always thought when I got older, you know, big fat body, big fat cock. And no. I don't know why my grandma told me that. Thank you, guys.

Wow. Another golden ticket winner showing the difference between a normal human being and a golden ticket winner. Luis J. Gomez. I mean, if you are not the exact polar opposite of Pierre. Yeah. I mean, that was the... It was like he walked out, you walked out. That was crazy, dude. We were back there with Heidi, and she, for whatever reason, was closer to him. I don't know. Right.

Yeah. I did find out earlier that I got to start eating Chinese pussy, so that's something. That is true. You have a lot of Chinese pussy to eat. I've been doing half of that for a long time. Hell yeah. Eating Chinese. I don't know. Never mind. All right. There you go. Tony, back to you. I love it. You are just as funny as I remember you and bigger than I recall. Dude.

I have lost so much weight since the last time I was here. I was here over a year ago, and I've lost three and a half pounds since then. So come on. Wow. Incredible. That's a good shit. Whoa, look at that. Oh, my God. He can shake those things. That is incredible. Those are the biggest shaking tits I've ever seen.

I would almost, I want to call them pecs, but I mean, they're so far under there that I have to call them tits. Well, you know, they're just, they're what they call man boobs. But I like the man part of it. Right. Very manly. Right? You see it. You're really close. This guy's scared to death. If I fall, he's dead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You didn't know this was the danger zone right here. Do anything come out of those tits? If you squeeze it, does muscle milk come out or something? Like, what happens exactly? Does muscle milk come out of it? Is that what you're asking me? Yeah. I've said this before. I actually, I had a medical issue, believe it or not. I had a kidney stone. And people say that when a man has a kidney stone, it's more painful than when a woman gives birth to a child. Yeah.

I love, I love it. Oh, there's a Latina lady with 16 kids that begs to differ over here. Oh my God. See, I don't know if it's true or not, but I do know I started lactating. That's how painful. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Just right straight out. I was a squirter. So you passed the kidney stone?

I passed the kidney... Well, no, I had to go to the hospital because the kidney stone... This will be fun for you guys. The kidney stone was actually stuck right at the very tip of my dick, and it couldn't come out. And they had to actually... You'll actually love this. I went to the hospital... I will love it? What, they have to suck it out of you or something? Fuck you guys. Thank you, lady.

Some lady's just flipping me off. Literally got mad. Okay, go ahead. Every time I'm in the green room, I can never find you, and I have to look down here to make sure. Oh, you son of a bitch. That's where I was. I was sucking the fattest guy's cock.

So what happened with your kidney stone? So I had to go to the hospital. They had to have, the doctor told me he needed the nurse to come in and help him get it out. And she, she did it. Yeah, because it was a kidney boulder. Dude, you have no idea. Dude, this, this, this chick came in and this is the sexiest woman I've ever seen in my life.

My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. My wife can eat a dick. This chick was so fucking hot. And I thought like, you know, she was going to come in. I think your wife would eat a dick, but it looks like you've eaten all of them already. Coming from someone who's eaten his share. Shut up. Shut up or else I'm going to come out there and suck all of your cock. Watch it, you do it. He'll do it. I'll do it. Don't you fucking say another peep.

Stop laughing! Alright. Do it! One guy goes, do it! One guy's got his cock out over there. I love it. Hey, do it! Hey, do it! Go suck my dick, dude! Sal's moving farther and farther away from you, I noticed. It's okay. It's okay. He's... Alright, let's go.

Yeah, so he had the nurse come in and help him. And I was wondering what she was gonna do to my dick, 'cause she was really hot. And it turns out what she was there for, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but what she was there for was she had to actually physically get under my gut and shove it out of the way so the doctor could get in with pliers and pull it out the tip of my dick, yeah. - Oh my God. - They didn't use like lasers or anything like that? - Nope.

They don't... Sal? They don't teach that in medical school. They do not. That's an on-the-job thing right there. They actually... I mean, they've knocked me out with Propavol, and when I came to, the nurse was standing over me, and she was like, that's the biggest one I've ever seen. She was talking about The Rock, but unfortunately... Yeah.

Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. That poor doctor. Yeah, well, the poor doctor. What about me? Actually, I brought it with me because they gave it to me. You brought the stone with you? This is the actual stone. Oh my God. Let's see that. Let me see that, Lewis. Oh God, it's never been open. It's never been open. No! Put that away! Oh my God.

Oh, my God. Luis J. Gomez, ladies and gentlemen. Shut up, Red Band. That's the Puerto Rican rattlesnake. Wow. Absolutely incredible. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he handed a medical container over to Luis, who immediately opened it, put it in his hand, jiggled it around, threw it in his mouth, and then swallowed it like a pill. This is Kale Tony, everybody. We are...

There's only one way to become the number one podcast on YouTube, and this is how you do it. This is what it takes. No, no, no. Please, please, please have it. I don't need it back, Lewis. Where's Heidi at? He's going to need a few more. Sal, you don't want the backwash. You didn't need to do that. Why?

Nobody was expecting it. And they're gonna go home. I just want to pass his kidney stone. That's a first. This kidney stone is like, wait, the game restarts again? What the fuck? What is going on here? Oh, I think it's coming out of a different hole this time. Oh, dude. I feel like it's stuck right here. That thing was so big, you didn't have time passing it out of your ass.

I never thought coming here, a piece of me would be inside Luis J. Gomez. Well, it is true. He might need some of your milk to wash it down. Oh, my God. This is the most disgusting show on planet Earth. You got to love it. I puked and drank my own puke. I was going to offer it to Sal to see if they wanted to do that as a punishment on Jokers. Well, Luis beat me to it. Luis is like, I'll just do it for the street cred. God damn it, Luis.

That stone had my name written all over it. - My God. Well, I mean... - Do you feel the same? - Yeah. - How do you feel? - I feel like I am you. - Yeah, you might have diabetes now. - I don't know what's happening right now. - You might wanna check that out. - Todd, absolutely incredible. You're a golden ticket winner. You flew in just for this. You fly out tomorrow. - Just for Austin. Absolutely. - We fucking love you. - I love this. - An epic fucking appearance on this show. - Thank you.

How loud can this place get for Todd Royce, huh? Can I do one, Club? Yeah. It's really quick. I have a brand new podcast called The Sweet Potato Pod, so check that out. And also, I'm going to be in Washington, D.C. in July. I'm going to try to straighten out all the shit going on in the government. So, you guys are awesome. Thank you so much. Love you, Tony. There he goes. Todd Royce, everybody. Sal Volcano's new special podcast.

Terrified is on YouTube at 800-pound gorilla. Louis J. Gomez is on tour. Louisofskanks.com for tickets.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the part of the show where we have to get to one of our regulars, everybody. I mean, what an action-packed fucking episode we have tonight. And I am so proud to present to you a brand new 60 Seconds from one of the best regulars in the history of the show. Let's see how loud this place can get for the one and only Cam motherfucking Patterson. ♪♪

Rocks are friends not food. We like rocks. We don't eat them. I was in Springfield, Missouri this weekend. Yeah, we don't need that place. We can cut that bitch right out the United States of America. That place is terrible. I was there and it was just only white people and it was... This how I knew this place was a shitty place to be in the world. They were like, "Hey, you gotta go to the Bass Pro Shop."

It's like our number one main attraction, go to the Bass Pro Shop. I'm like, "Nigga, that's stupid," right? And then I got there, and I was there for three hours 'cause I fucking loved it. It was amazing. It was the best place on Earth.

I will tell you, it was weird, 'cause, like, they had, like, an Archery Hall of Fame, and I went there, 'cause I wanted to see if any black people was on the Archery Hall of Fame, and there was not one, right? But the closest that we got was, like, an Indian nigga, and they didn't know when he was-- this real shit was an Indian, like, one of the real ones, you know what I'm saying? And they didn't know when he was born. It said "18, question mark, question mark," but they didn't know when he died, because y'all killed him, right? And... I'm out of time. Thank you. Unbelievable. He did it again. Makes it look easy.

- There it is, look at that. Hell yeah. - What's up, Sal? What's up? Nigga, how you doing? - Cam's a fucking man. I love Cam Patterson. Clap it up for him. - Cam loves rocks. - I do. You ate it, nigga. You just ate it. - Cam loves rocks. - I didn't know what it was. I stepped my head out. I stepped my head out the window. I just heard a rock. I'm like, "You heard rocks in here, nigga? It's rocks." Saw somebody got me a gift and he was like, "Oh, he eating it like it's a snack." That was crazy. - Unbelievable. - This whole episode's been insane, dog. - It has. - The big nigga was terrifying. Did y'all see?

Bro, Pierre, let me tell you something. Tell us-- say the things about Pierre that we couldn't say. It wasn't like he was like-- no, he-- good dude. It was funny. He came out, watched him. I was like, this guy's finna start fucking crushing. This is dope. And he was like, I'll rape everybody in here right now. I'm like, nigga, I'll leave. I don't have to be here. I'm going to go home, bro. Not going to get me, brother. I swear to God you won't. White bitches, I'm raping y'all too. Whoa, whoa. Nigga, that's crazy.

I thought the police was gonna arrest his ass. Like, we can't say shit like that, dawg. That's insane. - He would've raped the police officers. - Oh, yeah! - It would've been amazing. - Bro, that shit was crazy. He a good dude, I like him. Please don't rape me, nigga, we friends. - I love he went to the camera like he's already watching this episode. He's got the link to the stream.

I love it, Cam. You fucking did it again. So you were in Springfield, Missouri? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if I've ever been there. Man, the club is great. Blue Room, it was a good club. I really liked the club. The place is just terrible. It's a horrible place. The funny thing about the club, there's an old guy, he opened all the shows, named Old Man Willie. He's 92 years old, and he don't give a fuck no more. I kept asking him, I was like, Old Man, when was the last time you ever said nigga? He just kept going, and walked away.

And that just meant recently, right? Right. And then... The funny shit, I just gave this random girl a guest spot. I gave her a guest spot. She was taking pictures for me at the meet and greet. So I was like, you can do a guest spot on the next show. And then she came the next day ready for the guest spot and Old Man Willie was getting ready to go up. And he said, hey, excuse me, young lady. Are you doing a spot on the show tonight? And then she said, yeah, I am. He said, yeah, I can tell because you're dressed like a whore. And then just walked off stage.

He called a bitch a harlot? I ain't never heard nobody say that before. That was crazy. Old man Willie. Is this the guy that William Montgomery was at this club and the guy fell down? Like he talked about it on Kill Tony a few weeks ago. Probably. I don't know. Yeah, probably. I know he definitely shit himself in the green room. He definitely did that. Oh, shit. Definitely shit. He's 93 years old. He wants to die. You feel what I'm saying? Yeah. He don't give a fuck no more. You see what I'm saying? Went on stage and went home. Nigga, that's life. Right.

Right. He's out there opening shows. Young black men are headlining. Yeah, he didn't know what the fuck was going on. He had no idea. Right. Like, nigga, you free? Yeah. What the fuck? What in the world, nigga? Somebody kill me. That's right. Turns out the only people in chains nowadays are gay Puerto Ricans. Ha ha!

I mean, my goodness, Cam, you're such a fucking superstar. I don't even know where to begin. - Cam, you're already doing Skank Fest, right? - Yeah, I'm already on it, yeah. - All right, yeah, yeah. 'Cause I tell you right now, you'd be the guy right now. You're the fucking best, dude. You're so funny, dude. You really make me laugh, dude. - I really appreciate that. - I heard they might be looking for a new Black Impractical Joker. - Cam, you have a DVD player? - He's about to. One of theirs is gonna go missing.

It'll be called Em-blactical Jokers. What? It's the rocking on me. That's like getting to you.

Absolutely amazing. Cam, I mean, you fucking did it again. It is incredible how you can take a weekend on the road, you're out there headlining, making money, getting better, growing, and you take that experience, bring it on a Monday, and fucking make it about that.

And then you have another new minute to add to the hour that you're doing on the road. The machine is just, I don't think anyone's ever used it better and at a faster rate than you. You're a natural. You're killing it. You're growing. Everything's amazing. Make some goddamn noise for Cam Patterson. The future and the present. You can do better than that. Make some noise for Cam Patterson.

Sal Volcano also on tour. SalVolcanoComedy.com. Louis is at LouisofSkanks.com. They're both on tour. And Cam, of course, is on tour as well. Okay, your next bucket pool goes by the name, we're going to meet them all together, of CJ Gore, everybody. We're going to meet CJ Gore. All right. So I recently was dating a disabled woman. She had one leg that was shorter than the other.

Her name was Eileen. And she got really pissed at me. She always said that we could never see eye to eye. And, you know, she broke up with me. But I got her back. I freaking got over on her. I banged her Asian friend that had the same ailment. And her name was Irene. Yeah. And then I had to take it a step further, and I banged her Mexican friend that doesn't have any legs. Her name was Consuelo.

Yeah, but I'm married now. I'm married now. My wife is Mexican, which is awesome. Shout out to all the Mexican ladies. Hell yeah. The best thing is there's awesome food. You can't lie, Mexican food's awesome, but they will cook up some weird shit. Like, they'll randomly cook up intestines and like brains and tongue. And I'm like, look, I just want to have dinner. I don't want to be on an episode of Fear Factor. Thank you guys.

Wow. C.J. Gore, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely terrible, C.J. The Eileen, the Irene. I mean, these are all literal joke books. I mean, jokes out of a joke book. How long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be two weeks on Wednesday. There you go. Two weeks is good. It's good that you're doing that with that type of material now.

That's good. Next week, you can't do any of those jokes. I will not. I promise. Ever again. I promise. So it's been two weeks. How old are you? 43. 43. What made you start at the age of 43? Well, honestly, I always loved stand-up comedy. And not to be a fucking brown noser, but watching this show and seeing people that have...

Been doing it for a long time. Are you going to cry? No, dude. I'm just... You fucking pussy. If you are, let it happen. Because if any rocks fall out of your eyes, Louis has to eat them. Yeah. My rocks will go to Cam, not Louis. There you go. Very good. Okay. So what do you do for a living? I do construction sales for HVAC and plumbing. Okay. That's... Yeah. Yep.

All right. You're 43. Do you have a girlfriend? I have a wife. I've been married 10 years. Okay. What does she do? She works for USAA. She's in corporate communications. All right. USAA. Amazing. She's Mexican? Yes. And she works for USAA? Yeah. They got to check the boxes off, you know? Wow. Aye, aye, aye. All right.

Amazing. Okay. And sex life still good? Sex life is always good with a Mexican woman. Okay. Tell us about that. What's it like? Basically, I'm just her bitch. Right. I mean, that's the extent of it. When she wants it, she gets it. Okay. She goes, I want it. And you go, okay. Yep, I do. I tell her a terrible joke and...

Give it my best shot. Okay. That's what gets her fucking wet and wild? Is your material? No, no. It's definitely not. Usually when I mow the yard. When I do yard work, she, for some reason, that gets her going. Oh, yeah, they love that. Yeah, they do love that. It's time to masturbate. There you go. That gets her back nice and wet. Yep. Absolutely. It does. It does. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Okay, so CJ, you have any special skills or talents? What have you been doing for 43 years other than working? I used to tour. I used to play drums and tour around the country. You used to play drums? Yes. Oh, you're lucky. You're lucky. You're lucky. There's no way Charles Reed's going to want to do a Mexican drum off. You do? You want to? Okay, Charles, take a step back.

This dude's definitely going to be better than me. Okay, well, way to ruin show business there, CJ. Great fucking stuff, you retarded retard. Great. Guess the next four minutes are completely pointless. Thank you, CJ. Welcome. Get back there and play fucking a drum solo, you idiot. This guy's going to win. Thank you, CJ. You're as good at hosting as you are at stand-up.

You better be better at the drums than you are at comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Mexican drum mod. Doing a drum solo is CJ Gore. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. We might have a string drummer by the end of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, there it is. Literally, one of the...

Most low-effort drum solos I've ever heard in the history of the show. - Did you tour for something else and then just play the drums in your free time? - Charles, we've never seen you do a drum solo. Michael Gonzalez is out on tour right now. Charles is one of the elite drummers here in the live music capital of the world.

Charles Reed is at least a million people watching this, so have fun. Show off. CJ, stand next to this chair right here as to not block the view because you've already done enough to bomb your ass off this episode. Ladies and gentlemen, here to show off, make some noise for Charles Reed, everybody.

I told you he was going to be better than me. Wow, you're amazing. You're a psychic. You fucking suck fuck piece of shit. Luis J. Gomez. That's the sound you hear when Pierre fucks your wife. Goodbye. Goodbye, thick white person. That's also the sound of Drew's heart.

CJ Gore, congratulations. Two weeks in, you already bombed on Kill Tony. There he goes. CJ Gore, everybody. I'll come back when I don't suck. There you go. Shut up, CJ. Put the mic away. There you go. Goodbye. I love we didn't even get to the results on that one. We were like, yeah. How many of you have CJ winning that drum off? There you go. How many of you have Charles Reed winning? There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, Jack Shaw. Wow, this is great. Hi, everybody. I'm Jack. I'm 25 years old. I'm really getting nervous. Puberty's not going to hit.

I do not know what to do at this point. It's very frustrating. The manliest celebrity I've ever been compared to is Rachel Maddow. That's been really tough on my psyche. Some guy came up to me recently, this fratty-looking dude, he came up to me, he said, "Hey, man, you also look like Harry Potter on the spectrum!" That was tough for me. I was bullied, that's a shocker. I was bullied in middle school. I was bullied. I was bullied in a performing arts school.

You guys know how lame you have to be to be bullied in a performing arts school? My bully wore a fucking fedora! That was tough. I hate my doctor. He loves my penis. It sucks. He always likes to touch it, but it's a problem because it's always an eye exam. Thank you so much, everybody. I'm Jack Shaw.

Jack, absolutely adorable. A throwback comedian to a different time. I like your style. Thank you. Absolutely incredible, like a young Woody Allen. Welcome. Welcome, Jack. I love it. How old are you? 25. 25-year-old pedophile. Absolutely incredible.

Incredible. You gotta start young, Tony. Hey, you gotta start young. Absolutely. I like you, Jack. How long you been doing stand-up? About three years. Very, very good. Where at? Los Angeles. L.A. You started in L.A. during the pandemic. Yep, right, yep. Did you move to L.A. for that? No, I was born in L.A. It was terrible then, too. I can tell. Sherman Oaks? North Hollywood. There, I'm very close.

Tell the people so they know. How long of a drive is it from Sherman Oaks to North Hollywood if there's no traffic? If there's no traffic, it's about five minutes. There you go. That's it. Perfect. Luis J. Gomez. Now, are these side effects from the vaccine or... It's the... Yep. What were you like before the vaccine? Totally normal, dude. I don't know what happened. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Jack, what do you do for a living? I teach traffic safety to kids. Oh my God. Nickelodeon. Oh my God. This is incredible. I'm so bad at my job. Tell us more about you being bad at that job. There's a couple of dead kids. I told them to stop walking and they kept walking.

Oh my god, you're so funny, Jack. This is incredible. Does your father know you took his clothes? Oh, no. My dad's dead, okay? Is your dad really dead? Nope, I'm sorry I said that. It's okay.

It's okay. There's moments when you try to take those moments and sometimes it doesn't work. No, it was good, Jack. It was very good. So you're... Are you... Are you... What is your ethnicity? Are you half Jewish? Oh, full Jewish! Full Jew. Full Jewish. This is absolutely incredible. You make up for all the other Jews that weren't on the show tonight. The only person not excited that you're here is Allah Ahmed over here.

I saw your ass outside. You're terrifying. He did this to me. Why are you doing that? That's not right. Jack, you are indeed an absolute super Jew. What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you? Oh, probably my penis. It was circumcised.

I guess that's a lot of people. Yeah, surprisingly, everybody's on to that one. The only difference is we don't have a weird rabbi suck our cock at the beginning of it. That's true. All my rabbi did, but that's... And that was last week. Yes, thank you. Thank you, Tony. I did a Jack Shaw joke. I appreciate it.

Thank you for being so nice. Sal. Jack, I have a question. Okay. What the fuck is going on here? I don't know. I mean that from the heart, man. We're all confused. In a good way. I just need to know. Is this, like, real? I totally understand. No, autism runs in my family, dude. It's running hard in my family, man. It's fucking sprinting in your family. I'm like...

We're winning the race! Okay. Oh, my God. Jack, you are incredible, dude. This is fucking wild. So tell us more about L.A. right now. You were born and raised there, and you stay there. What brought you to Austin? Oh, this show brought me to Austin. Dude, I've been watching this show a lot, and I want to come down here and try it. And you're like, I could fucking, I could go out there and flex on these motherfuckers. I didn't think about it like that.

I don't have that type of confidence like that, but... It's not a kind of confidence. I just got lucky. I got picked. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you, Judge. Absolutely. No, it's magical.

The bucket is a mind of its own. A lot of people coming here from a lot of different places all the time. Some two weeks in, some three years in. You know, all different shapes and sizes. Jews are so funny. It is a real thing that truly exists. You know, you got your Larry Davids out there. You got your Seinfeld, who's famous because of Larry David. Yep.

Oh, yeah, I'm going for everybody. I'm going for everybody tonight. We're taking them all out. Goodbye, Jerry. Goodbye, Pete. I hope Larry David sees this shit. Come on. Yeah. No, he's going to. He's going to. Larry's the man.

So, tell us, what do you think is the least Jewish thing about you? - I don't have a lot of money, dude. I have no money. I got no money! They're taking all of it! Give me any of it! I don't know where. - You look constantly surprised. You're as funny when you're not speaking. By the way, Tony, right now he's in first place for the Skank Fest. - Yeah.

Booking, you're great, dude. I'm not saying-- it's not what I'm saying to you, but you're so funny and interesting and unique. Are you available September 27th through 29th? -Yep. -In Las Vegas, Nevada? -Absolutely. -Let's make it short, dude. I'm not saying, dude, but you're-- you're-- you're awesome, dude. You'll-- listen, you will get raped by dirty women at Skankfest. Oh, I can't wait! Oh, my God.

Are you in town Thursday? What? Are you in town Thursday? No, but I could be. I could make it happen. If you're in town Thursday and you want to do the secret show, you can do the secret show. Yes, I absolutely do. And do you have a DVD player? Because if you do, you're getting every season of Impractical Jokers on DVD.

Let me answer your question right now. It's a resale value of $29.99 per set. With every season, that adds up to hundreds of dollars that you don't have that you definitely want. Yes. You want that money, don't you? Oh, I want that money. You love it, don't you? You love it, don't you? I love that money, Tony. What do you want to do with that money? I want to rub it on my clitoris, Tony. Oh, man.

Jack, I'm gonna do it. You just won a golden ticket here on "Kill Tony." Yeah, congratulations. Much deserved. So funny. On an episode with back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back chaos, you stand out in a pile, my friend. You stand out in a pile.

This is a big joke book. Resale value $7.99. I'll sell it for eight! A full eight! Oh my God. You did everything you possibly could have done here tonight. There's also the show here at the Mothership called Bottom of the Barrel, where you can perform an improvised set off of topics out of a barrel. You're booked on that tomorrow night here at the Mothership. Woo!

And if it's still going on, and I'm gonna make sure this happens, I want the booker of the club to see your full set right now in the Little Boys, so go hustle on. And Adam Egan's gonna watch you perform. There goes Shaq Shaw, everybody. Make sure he gets seen right now. There you go.

Let's see what happens. Who knows? Making dreams come true. Take note, what you just saw is people coming from Los Angeles to make it in the comedy world here in Austin, Texas. All right, let's go back to the bucket where clearly anything can happen. Make some noise for Mr. Mars Martian. Okay. Mr. Mars Martian. All right, here we go. - I've been chewing a lot of nicotine gum

I'm trying to wean off of the N-word, believe it or not. Clearly you choose nicotine 'cause niggarette's a gum for bigots. I'm trying to say nigga less, you know what I'm saying? Being mitochondrially half black has been pretty mid for the most part. I get half the benefits of this motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? I don't know. Honestly, I forget that I'm half white. Only time I'm ever treated like I'm white is by the blacks. Occasionally. But as an honorary half white...

That's how you know some psyop shit is about to be said when you're preemptively qualifying your statement. But as an honorary half-white, I feel like the whites are letting their own version of the n-word slip through their fingers. You know what I'm saying, MAGA? What, is this MAGA crazy or some shit? I fucking wish a MAGA would. Don't have to Arnold Schwarzenmagon this motherfucker. I don't know what these bitches want from a MAGA. My last girlfriend tried to say I was too Republican. I was like, MAGA, please. I ain't saying anything.

Wow. Okay. Mr. Mars Martian. Luis J. Gomez? Thank you, Lenny Cravshit. Mr. Mars Martian. Absolutely horrendously terrible. How long have you been doing stand-up, Mr. Mars Martian? 14 months. 14 months. How's it been going for you? Good? Absolutely wonderful. Typically, I murder. What are we talking about? Wonderful.

Small animals or something like that? Like, make with the ha-has. Yeah, yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? Unemployed currently. Okay. All right. What did you used to do? Software engineer, Fortune 100. Fortune 100. How'd you lose that job? Laid off fucking AI master. What? Laid off. I got laid off at my Fortune 100 job. Why do you think you got laid off?

Because of my MAGA joke or something? I don't know. You don't know? Yeah. Okay. Anything interesting about your life at all whatsoever? God, I don't know. You just got fucking buried by a squirrely Jew. Do you know that? You got absolutely buried in a world of hurt.

I mean, you are just living in a land of silence right now. You are an unlikable force following Jack Shaw. It makes no sense. Like, in no world should he be better than you. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

You have failed so completely. Only in comedy can a Jew just lay you out. Just leaving you absolutely in zero chance. There's not enough look-arounds or wiggly smiles or likable cool-ass things you can do. There's no N words you can say that can save you right now. Sal Volcano. And you do so far, it's like you guys Freaky Friday. That's why his clothes were so big.

Oh, Mr. Mars Martian. Maybe it was a timing thing. Maybe, maybe, I don't know. Anything interesting about your entire life that might save you through this interview portion of the show? I'm chilling. I don't know. Having fun doing comedy, that's what I'm doing. Okay. This does not look fun. Most interesting thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life. How old are you? 723 years old. Okay, there he goes. Mr. Mars Martian, everybody.

You got a little joke book? Oh, that's him. I thought it was you. He beat us to it. I love it. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Up here. I pulled until I got a female comedian up. We haven't seen a female tonight. Sound good? Make some noise for Jocelyn Porter, everybody.

Been having a rough week. My boyfriend left me for an underage girl. Yeah. I'm so confused. I'm like, what does she have that I don't? I also haven't graduated high school. Oh. Well, she's getting the big fancy high school diploma next month. She's hot shit. All right. All right. I'm coming from Arizona. We just banned abortion. And, you know, as a woman, I'm pissed. I'm outraged, you know, because how else am I supposed to scam men out of their money for fake abortions?

Rance Deucer, I'm stressed, okay? Yes, I'm a white woman named Yaceline. My brother is a white guy named Trey, which can only mean my mom really wanted little landscapers, you know? And I'm as white as they come, folks, okay? I am one clothing choice away from looking like I am really into crystal or really into crystal meth, okay? I know how I look. I know how I look, guys. That's my time, everybody. Thank you so much.

Jocelyn Porter. Welcome, Jocelyn. Hello, hello. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just a little over a year now. A little over a year. Where do you do this stand-up at? Phoenix, Arizona. In Phoenix, Arizona, the starting position of Jetski Jesse Johnson. Oh, hello, Jetski. My hometown. The club's never fucked with me when I was coming up in Arizona, but now they call me a hometown hero. Ah, amazing. Incredible what the power of selling tickets can do.

Welcome, Jocelyn Porter. So do you still live in Phoenix? Yes, currently. And what do you do for work there? Full-time, I do medical marijuana, and then part-time, bartender. You're just getting people fucked up left and right. Straight up. Ruining lives, marriages, everything, yeah. Absolutely. Mr. Mars Martian might need some of everything that you have after his set that he had here tonight. And Jack Shaw probably can't handle anything in any of your businesses. Yes.

Okay, Jocelyn. So let's talk about it. Your boyfriend didn't really leave you, right? That is a joke. That is a joke. We actually, he loves that joke. We broke up. And I'm just salty about that. He's going to be a pedophile in all my jokes until I feel better. But we talked about that joke. It's one of his faves. How long were you with him for? Like nine months. Nine months. And what made you guys break up? The baby. Like a month ago, yeah. No, it was... That abortion liar.

Yeah, dude, it's killing my dating game right now. No, it was a wrong person, right time situation, tacky as it sounds. Wrong person, right time? A right person, wrong time. Maybe I'm the wrong person, right time for him. But yeah, no, it was the right person, wrong time. Okay, all right. Why was it the wrong time? So like...

We're perfect for each other. We work out, communication's totally there. Honestly, my most healthy relationship? Yeah, I'm gonna kill myself, hold up. But it was more so that he's just at a point where he's got way too much. He owns businesses. He's got all that shit. Yeah, this man owns businesses. I'm broke. I'm a broke white woman. I needed it. No, he's just too busy with life right now. And that really killed our relationship. So, yeah. So he's too good for you? And he's gonna be like...

What a wonderful lover who puts all of his businesses before you. Every single business he has has come before you. Try to be wax poetic about it, you know, but... It's too good for you. Wow. Absolute chaos here tonight. Jocelyn, what's the most interesting thing about your entire life? I was born partially deaf, and I also have auditory processing disorder.

Which, like, I don't know if anyone knows what that is. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. So, like... Oh, shit. Tell us more about your disorder. So... I was a baby. And I was born partially deaf and blind. Just a god-sick joke. And then also I have auditory processing disorder, which means...

I hear words the way dyslexic people read. I don't know. That's what it means. So when your boyfriend said bye-bye, were you like, hello? Yeah, you're really doog at comedy. Oh, shit. Good, Louis. Have a blunt, Louis. Good job. Another good joke. Jocelyn Porter. So you have to go back to Phoenix. Oh, shit. Look at that.

There you go. So when you go back to Phoenix? I'm going to be leaving tomorrow morning. Okay. There you go. It's a long trot. It's a long trot. What the fuck does that mean? If you're hearing horses, that's just your disability. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. There she goes, Jocelyn Porter. This person's not here, correct? Okay. Okay.

So that means that it is time, ladies and gentlemen, to put a ribbon on this fucking show. What do you mean, no? You guys don't like the last comedian that goes up on the show? You guys want one more comedian? Ladies and gentlemen, if you want one more comedian before your final comedian, then there's only one person that I find fitting for this job. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Drew Nickens!

So I did used to be a battle rapper, but I was walking down 6th Street about 10 years ago. And I was chilling, I was like, yo. And this guy goes, I know you. And I'm so excited, I'm like, hard work pays off. This is me, Jonah, yeah. And then you know what he does? He comes in and he goes, hell nah. And he pulls up Reddit, and I'm on Reddit's most hittable faces.

Like, dawg, do you guys know how many, how hard it is as a content creator to get 80 likes? That shit was terrible, and it was with my dad, so it's a hate crime! Oh, man. Who here likes science? Anybody? No, no, no. Who here likes science? Oh, hell yeah. I have a qualm with science, though.

Magic Johnson has been alive for 30 years, and I can't get a corn tortilla big enough for a Crunchwrap! So angry! I just want a breakfast Crunchwrap with a corn tortilla. All right, that's been my time. Thank you all so much! - You have a problem with sides.

-Science? -Science. -Science. Got it. Got it. When you face that way, my... I have an auditory disability that I don't talk about very often. So let's talk about this battle rap a little bit. Did we have you rap last time you were on? -I did two bars. -You got anything in the chamber? -No. -Oh, okay.

All right. I get it. You're the only person that I randomly pull up all the time. This is only your second night ever on this show, but I feel like it has to be a new tradition in some form that if you're here, you do more than one appearance. How do you feel about that, Drew? I feel like the minute could have been a little bit better, but I'm so happy. Thank you for

having me on again. This has been great. You guys have been great. You didn't know it was going to happen. Everything's improvised. It's all spontaneous. You just happened to be back there. I checked. You were there. We pulled a little Drew Nickens on these people. Fun fact, though. Michael White, the battle rapper, used to stay on my couch when I lived in San Antonio. The spaghetti guy? Yes. Spaghetti man. Spaghetti man.

Oh my God, another legend of the show. He used to live on your couch? No, no, he used to come whenever he had a battle there. He would just come and stay over and... Michael White special! Tell us about you two hanging out. I mean, I can't even imagine the levels of energy drinks.

No, that man is just stone cold psychotic. Yeah, tell us. Stone cold psychotic. He like, before a battle, he'd be like, "Hey, man, I gotta do some push-ups." And he'd go do knuckle push-ups and just get ready, and then he'd put on his big, tall 5XT. He was weird. I didn't even want to hang out with him. I just gave him a place to stay.

- Wow. - And then when he was in line, the last time he called me, it was so I could give him $5 so he could get a Wendy's pretzel burger. - Well, in his defense... - Yeah! Three-minute conversation for a Wendy's pretzel burger! - Did you give him the five bucks? - I will too! - What a conundrum. I can't imagine you and Michael White going back and forth about five bucks for a Wendy's pretzel burger.

But with that said, pretzel rolls, there's something about it to where when you get your mind set on it, I don't know, there's something about it. Well, I mean, what's funny is I happen to know for a fact both of you have been on the Impractical Jokers cruise. And on those cruise ships, there's one of those buffets, and they have those little pretzel rolls. I don't know if you know about this, but...

I get addicted to those things when I'm there. I eat like a pig. It's disgusting. There's something about little pretzel, tiny little pretzel balls that I just can't get enough of. Tony loves any tiny little balls. That's true. That's true. The man's name was Pretzel. Louis Pretzel. And I would put his balls in my mouth because I'm a gay faggot.

Drew, we love you. There goes Drew Nickens, everybody. That's the comedian you wanted. That's the comedian you'll get, goddammit. And now, and only now, do I present to you the Hall of Famer that holds the record for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, all-time goddamn everything. This man is a force of nature. When we were in Los Angeles, the head of Netflix, the owner of Netflix, is quoted as saying, I love that man. God himself.

The man who birthed Jesus Christ Almighty says that he is afraid of this guy. Quote, I'm afraid of that guy. The Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, this is without a doubt, lights out, William Montgomery! First off, Tony, did that guy really say all that stuff about me?

They're coming out with a black Schindler's List. It's going to be called Schindler List. Okay, black people mispronounce things. That's what I was going for with that one. Okay, let's keep her moving. 16 young women have accused magician David Copperfield of sexual assault, which is pretty messed up because he was supposed to make the women disappear, not their virginity.

Okay. Apparently the Washington football team is considering another name change to honor true American patriots. They're going to be called the January Sixers. Okay. Just so we're clear, I reject the term alternative medicine and prefer to call it post-grunge.

Okay, I got a couple people. All right, that's my time, Tony. William did it again. 56 seconds of thunder and lightning from the man that God himself says, I forget what I said. Oh, so it wasn't true. I was so excited. I was like, oh, the main guy at Netflix loves me. Oh, my gosh. And then I was thinking, this is your way of firing me, having the two new guys. I mean, am I fired now? Nope, nope. That's just for the opening position there.

only one way that I'm really fired now after five and a half years five and a half fucking years and you're firing me tonight it's so hot outside you pick tonight

- Tony, seriously, I mean of all nights, you're picking tonight to give me the ax? It's been such a huge part of my life for like five and a half years now, and now you're literally on this hot night gonna... What is that? Is that weed? Can I hit that once? - Hit it a couple times, William.

Whoa, that was a bad idea, Tony. I've never smoked weed up here before, but maybe on the night that you're firing me, maybe I need to just get real fucking high tonight. Maybe that's the only way I'm going to be able to deal with it, Tony. And you know I love Saul Volcano. You think tonight we're Saul Volcano? Let's get a fucking man. Saul, I love you. He really does love you. Tell him about what you love about Sal. I love your feet. I love...

I love your feet. I love your hands. Whoever's running your OnlyFans is doing a wonderful job. Your backside shots, I love the backside shots where it's just your butt. But yeah, no, Saul, it's really nice to see you. But again, I don't know if he's literally firing me. Wow. Wow. Okay! Okay! On board! On board! You guys didn't see this, it's not close up, but Louis just passed the stone. Wow!

Absolutely incredible. What did you say, Sal? There's been a lot that's happened this episode, William. Have you been watching?

I've been making tea all night. Don't change it. Go back to how it was. I've been making tea all night. Push that back forward again. I've been making tea all night. Push it forward. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I like it like that. Just like this? Yeah, no, Tony, I've been making a bunch of tea with Tony tonight. Tony, I was actually in Appleton, Wisconsin this past weekend, and there was a severely autistic man who...

who I guess was a big fan, and I kind of don't understand that to begin with, but he was severely autistic, and Tony, it was a nightmare. He wouldn't shut up. I'm pretty sure he won a golden ticket tonight. No, it wasn't him. It was some fucking idiot. He really, Jamone, that was his name, Jamone. Jamone? Yeah, and he spilled a bunch of popcorn on the floor. He was named after the sound that Michael Jackson makes? Yeah. Jamone. Jamone. Yeah.

Hey, isn't that a character I used to do in a car ride? Jesus Christ almighty. Whoa. Billy Boy McGumballs. So you look fantastic. The set was fantastic. Everybody loves you. How's life going? Tell us more, William. Life is good. I mean, I've just been real... Huh? Huh?

Sir, do you think you can answer that better than me? Or what were you saying, sir? Guy with the blue shirt. You're the one that was talking. Yeah, yeah. What exactly were you saying? Yeah, no, I'm actually getting... Come on, William's side on this one. Go ahead. Yeah. Why would you do that when Tony's firing me tonight and you're fucking going to do that shit? Seriously. Okay. Okay. So...

Where were we, William? Oh, and you're not being fired, by the way. Oh, okay. I didn't know. You're adding all the people. You and I have a very special agreement that your tenure will only end when you say that you want it to end and when you want it to stop. Do you want it to stop? Are you going to stop? No, I mean, I don't. No, Tony, not now. No.

Not now, not never, Tony. Not even with you bringing in that fucking guy with a brain injury, who I do love. You're wonderful.

But no, after that, I kind of wanted to. I'm like, he's replacing me. I've fucking given my heart, my soul to this fucking show, and you're just going to throw me to the curb for this fucking retarded guy who is beautiful, and I love him, and he's wonderful. But I was worried about that, Tony, so it's good to hear that you're not going to. I don't know if you hear the crowd, but even the polite software Middle Eastern guy that would definitely never blow anybody up is wondering if you're going to stop...

Where is he? He's right here. Oh, right here. I don't think I'll ever get a job! Yeah, you better clap.

But yeah, it's good. I need to get back on my all-brand buds. I know people don't want to hear about my fucking asshole. That's what my dad tells me, at least. But I'm not on my all-brand buds, and I'm really having issues right now. I haven't doo-dooed. I was doo-dooing four times a day. Now I'm doo-dooing once every four days. And I don't know if it's something to do with the Snickers bars I've been eating, the little miniature ones. I'll eat an entire... What did you just call them? The little miniature. No, no, no. What was the brand?

Little miniature... No, no, no, no, no. The company that has the miniature bars? You said it very strangely. What was it exactly? What did I say? It started with the letters Snickers. Wait a second. Snickers? Do you know that those aren't two Gs in there? That it's a C and a K? Say it again. Snickers? Snickers?

Oh my god. Okay, red band, this isn't the time for you to fuck it up. That was a little funny, and then that's really not funny when you do that. I mean, nobody's laughing now, dumbass. We're gonna bleep that. We're just gonna bleep the S part in the beginning. You're gonna maybe look like a racist. You're firing me. I mean, this is a night. I'm gonna jump off a bridge later. I think I'm constipated because of all the peepers. Oh, shit.

God damn, Lewis got me high with my own weed on tonight's episode. Yeah, that was the first time and I feel real high right now. But Lewis, I love feeling high and I swear I'm probably never going to get it right. I swear I'm never going to get it right. You guys have fucking fun tonight. Catch him on Cameo. Catch him on tour. Catch him everywhere.

Say it. Yeah, announce it. It's Jack Shaw. So ladies and gentlemen, we're going to see Jack Shaw at Skank Fest this year. You got to watch a dream come true. That sweet little innocent autistic Jewish boy is going to be with all the fucking Nurnball kings of the world. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in of Sal Volcano and

and Luis J. Gomez. Sal's special is out now. It is called Terrified. It's on YouTube. Go to 800-Pound Gorilla. That's the number 800. Pound Gorilla. Watch his special. Leave a nice comment. Leave a like. Share it with your friends. Catch him on tour at salvolcanocomedy.com. One more time for Sal.

Louis J. Gomez. Skankfest, I do believe, is completely sold out. But if you guys get lucky, maybe something could happen. Who knows? He's on tour. Louisofskanks.com. That's L-U-I-S of skanks dot com. Make some noise for Jetski Jesse Johnson, everybody. Gracing us. Great presence. We love Jetski. Thank you to Game Time, Squarespace, and Fuck.

Let's see the art from Chris Rogers tonight, everybody. Oh, shit. Cam Peterson. Game time, Squarespace, and Liquid Death. Great picture of Cam Patterson. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Red Band. I'll be in San Diego with Casey Rockett. Only two tickets left. Go right now. Only two tickets left. Ladies and gentlemen, we also have only two tickets left in night one of Madison Square Garden.

So scoop those up real quick. I do believe that's it. A lot of very fun announcements and exciting things coming up. So we love you guys. This is a show about giving people an opportunity, and we fucking love you guys. Thank you. Good night. Love you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.