#664 - KAM PATTERSON + WILLIAM MONTGOMERY + CASEY ROCKET
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Van coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking evening of their lives, huh? You made it. Indeed. So the number one live podcast in the world. Make some noise for Brian Red Van, ladies and gentlemen. Hi!

Brought to you by Game Time, Liquid Death, Connect Mobile Health, a bunch of great sponsors, amazing stuff. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? My goodness gracious. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, the great and powerful mutilator, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar.

Carter Arrington joining on a very special electric guitar. And of course, the great and powerful D Madness here on the bass. A lot of fun stuff coming right up. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim forever.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

Well...

You're in for a treat. This is a very, very, very special episode. We've done this before, but not with exactly these three human beings because everything has changed. Everything has evolved. I present to you, A-

bucket bizarre episode where we will get many bucket pools out more than normal because your three guests tonight are the three regulars of Kill Tony. Here the entire episode I present William Montgomery, Cam Patterson and Casey Rockett. Oh shit. Yeah. The boys. The boys.

Our sweet, sweet boys. William Montgomery. Cam Patterson. And the one and only Casey motherfucking Rocket. Yippee!

Nobody knows the show better than these three gentlemen. William, Hall of Famer, record holder for most appearances on the show, in the show's history. How are you doing tonight, my sweet William? Tony, I didn't know if we were allowed to touch the microphones yet.

No, I'm doing good. I was in St. Louis this past weekend, and it took me 15 hours to get back yesterday, and I took an airplane. I didn't even drive. It was 15 hours. You had layovers. Layover city yesterday. You took the cheapest flight you could find, didn't you? Yes. Very thrifty man, William is. A little behind-the-scenes information for you. 15 hours worth of layovers. That's like a two-and-a-half-hour direct flight.

But you wanted, what was, how much did you pay for your ticket? I think I paid like $100 or something, so it was very cheap. So you saved about $5 an hour from buying the direct flight. That's good. Worked out. International superstar saving about $75 in sacrifice of 10 hours. That's absolutely incredible. The great and powerful Cam Patterson is here, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

The man, the myth, the legend, always rocking a brand new white t-shirt. Life is good. Cam, how you feeling? Good, man. I'm happy to be back on the panel, man. I'm excited. It's shit fun. Absolutely. Always fun. We always have fun together. And his first time on panel, ladies and gentlemen, crazy to see him sitting still. This is the one and only Casey Rockett, everybody. Thank you.

There he is, live in the flesh. There he is. There he is. That's the guy I know. Very uncomfortable. It'll be fun. It'll be okay, right, Cam? Okay. Okay, we're good. I love it. Sitting still is the equivalent to like a bad mushroom trip for Casey. We're gonna be okay, right? I can do this. It's okay. Okay.

We're gonna have fun tonight. You guys know how the show works. An entire giant bucket of comedians has signed up for tonight's festivities. I pre-pull one of these names and they go wrangle them from the bar across the street. And that's that. The rest is history. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Oh yeah, how could I forget? I've been doing this 11 and a half years. Jesus Christ. They get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry Bus Hollywood Bear.

Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? Getting tonight's show started. America's favorite uncle. You know him. You love him. Make some noise for David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen. How y'all doing tonight? White people in Port Aris! Hell yeah.

Today my birthday, I just turned 43. I realize we get Generation Z like a lot of shit, you know what I mean? Because y'all was raised on the internet and stuff. We ain't had an internet growing up. You know who raised us? It was PBS. And we ain't had no business watching that shit either. Remember the Magic School Bus? Everybody on that bitch was on acid. That bitch made Frizzle one number the goddamn hippie, man.

I bet that bitch had a bush on that beaver. Bush and beaver bitch. She ain't teach them kids nothing. I ain't see no syllabus, no notebook, no nothing. All they doing is flying in and out of frogs assholes all damn day. So freak your ass out of here, Ms. Frizz. Then they gave us the gay agenda. Nothing against gay people, but we were too young to know about gay people at that age. Remember the first gay couple on PBS?

Burt and Ernie. Them niggas was homosexuals. The real kind too with the dick in the booty, you know what I mean? The real fucking kind. I remember one episode they had Ernie on there, right? He got rubber duck, he just having a good old time. He go Burt freak ass and bust in the bathroom. "Hey Ernie, hey. Hey, how you doing there big boy? You got a lot of muscles on you, don't you? Yeah. Need a little help with that lower back?" Then they cut the commercial out of your ears. "Yeah, yeah, you little twink bitch, yeah."

All right, I'm sorry. Thank you. Apologizing to the streets of Sesame. David Jolly with a brand new minute and a half to get it started. We sent the bear away. We wanted to hear where you were going with this Bert and Ernie Gay joke. Absolutely fun. Incredible stuff. Thank you, David. How do you feel? Shit, I feel good. It's really your birthday? It's your 43rd birthday right now? Yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah, my bad. I forgot about the microphone. Yeah, you're on the show. I forgot about that part. Someone's back on crack again. You gotta love to see it. Get your ass out of here, man. You are that bullshit, Tony. You are the oldest looking 43-year-old I've ever seen in my entire life. Hey, you only got six months, motherfucker.

You better get that Botox. It's two months before I'm 40, not 43. No, I'm just saying, but you suck at math. Y'all white people's skin be horrible as hell. You got about three more years. You look 75, David. Shut the fuck up.

I don't. I know the fuck I don't. You look like David Jolly's grandfather. Hey, white lady, I look pretty good, don't I? I bet you I can fuck one of these white women out here. Oh, my God. Shit. I might fuck one of them. It's my birthday, too. Oh, my. I'm doing that shit for Martin Luther King, motherfucker. Cam Patterson. That shit for Malcolm X, you know what I mean? What? We should find one for him to fuck. Nah, man, no. I don't need no help. He'll find his own. I'm good. He'll find his own. I might have to rent one. Mm.

Shit get real out here, bitch. It's my birthday. Oh, shit. Happy birthday. Okay, thank you, Red Band. Jesus Christ. The old demented birthday song. Where did you find that? The creepiest soundboard. Where is that? Happy birthday.

Them some special ed kids. Them some slow kids singing that motherfucker. Them kids slow as hell with helmets on. How have you been celebrating so far? Shit, I just got off a plane. You know, I'm just chilling. You know, we hanging out, man. We at the greatest comic club in the world, you know?

That's enough celebration enough, you know? Shit, we hanging that. Hell yeah. That's it, you know, the usual. Probably do some jokes in a little boy at a night. You know how it roll. I love the green shirt. Were you playing at the Masters? Nah, it's a nice shirt, ain't it? I got it from the Nautica out there. The shirt says you were playing the Masters. The face says you have a Master.

That was good. That was good. That was good. Slave face. That was good. All right. That's going to be edited out for sure. He's laughing. It's his birthday. Yeah, it's a joke. It's a joke, man. It's a joke. Never called anybody slave face before, but I'm...

I'm feeling a little comfortable tonight. It was good. It was all right. That was a good one. I ain't have a comeback because I'm high as hell. You know what I mean? That's why I don't have a comeback. I be like, fuck you, Tony. You know what I mean? I don't have no comeback. I'm higher than a motherfucker. You're doing just good. What are you high on? Marijuana. Okay, good. Yeah. I don't drink no more. Right. Yeah. How did you replace your drinking? With sweets. With a whole lot of sugar. I'm pretty sure I got diabetes now. Yeah.

I be eating like a fucking pint of ice cream a night. I just get like the shakes. It's so cool. Like I be down there at sunset. I be in the green room with all kind of shit. Fucking chocolate all on my face. Well, yeah. Red Band's Comedy Club probably has a lot of sweets there. I'm guessing. A lot of chocolates. Yeah. Yep.

And you're also, which is crazy because you're made of chocolate. Isn't that correct? Yep. Yep. Chocolate. Hershey's dog chocolate. That's right. None of that white chocolate shit. I ain't racist. I'm just saying. No offense, white people. That shit sounded racist. You got to watch yourself. I ain't trying to get counsel. You guys all know David. You guys like his set tonight? What do we think? Anything crazy? I thought it was great. Yeah.

Hey, thank you, man. Appreciate that, Casey. Good to see you. Good to see you, brother. I did want to say, a lot has happened since then, but you were talking about Miss Frizzle's bush. Yeah. That bitch got a bush, man. I'm telling you. She look like her hygiene ain't really up to date. You know what I mean? Yeah, she's nasty. What is it? Because she has red hair, David? What are you trying to say? Seriously. Immediately I'm thinking Miss Frizzle has red hair. Is that what it is? No.

I mean, it's just that dress she wear every fucking episode, you know what I mean? So it ain't no way she put no water on that goddamn Krabby Patty down there, you know what I mean? What's wrong wearing the same clothes, nigga? What's wrong wearing the same clothes every day? Hey, man, you all right, man. I ain't got nothing to say about that. I just seen you wash them pants, though, you know what I mean? I ain't never seen that bitch put nothing in the washer.

They just flying out of fucking fraud's assholes all damn day. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Hey, you had some real racist shit to say right here. It was a good one. You should have let it go, baby. Go ahead. What are you talking about? How do you know what I have in my head? I was looking in your eyes. You're so high, you think you know what I'm going to say? All right, I'm sorry, Tony. I apologize. My bad. It's okay. William, anything for David Jolly? I mean, if you want to see what her pubes look like, I could show you after this. There you go.

I can stick my penis in between my legs and it looks like a red dick girl's pussy. Sam, I love you. David, way to get the show started with a bang. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Happy birthday. All right, here we go. We've pre-pulled a name and your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name...

of Remy S. Weiss, or Remy Swice even, perhaps. Make some noise for Remy. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Remy Swice. - Mother ship, what up? Hell yeah. Recently became a sugar daddy. Oh, it's not because I'm rich, it's 'cause I'm pre-diabetic and my nuts come out honey roasted. Yeah. My name is Wilford Brimley and I got jizzabetes.

I got that hyperglycemin. Started dating a furry recently. Can you believe this chick? Anybody guess what kind of animal she'd like to dress up as? Just guess. Great guess. No. Great guess. No. A possum. She want to dress up like a possum. Yeah, sex is terrible. Every time I want to bang, she just lays on the ground and plays dead. Can't. Can you believe that? Dang. Yeah. Stopped listening to women two weeks ago. I'm done. Yeah. Yeah.

Everything they say could be argued as misinformation. Yeah, right? How come every time you put "miss" in front of something, it fucks it up completely? Misinformation, miscalculation, right? Now, you can't say "mister" 'cause every time you do that, it makes things cooler, like "mister information," "mister calculation." My name's Remy Swice. Appreciate it. - Okay. Remy Swice, right in the nick of time. I could hear the bear inhaling to roar there.

Remy, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. You know who else plays dead? The audience during your set. Welcome to the show, you giant sperm. Look at you. Oh, you like that? This is incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up, Remy? First time I did open mic was 2006. Jesus.

Okay, and then what happened? You stopped until just now, hopefully? Just recently, yeah. Got back into it a couple years ago and decided to move down here and see what happens. Okay, where'd you move from? Oklahoma City, thank you for asking. You're welcome for asking. You're not going to need to do that after every question I ask you.

So you made the big move to do stand-up. You moved to Austin for stand-up comedy. Correct, sir. Okay, I love it. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? Well, I got a job at Tesla right now, but I was in the weed business for about five years before I came down here. Well, you just lost your job at Tesla. What do you mean? Elon's cool. He's all about free speech. I know. I'm just kidding. I'm just joking. Okay.

But the weed thing was something else. What did you do in the weed business? Mostly business to business sales, but I got to work in a laboratory and make a bunch of stuff. Okay. Yep. All right. Like edibles and weed pens and all kinds of stuff like that. Wow. A laboratory. Look at you. You went from breaking bad to making bad jokes. Science, bitch. Okay. All right. Remy. Very, very interesting stuff.

What do you do for fun? Tell us more about you. I like to drive, believe it or not. Yeah? Yeah, driving's... I love racing and stuff like that, so if you know anybody with some fast-ass cars that need to be pushed to the limit, I'd be more than happy to, like... Yeah, I would totally love for you to drive my super-fast car. There's nobody I would trust more than somebody who's making Wilford Brimley references in 2024. Yeah.

Cam Patterson. Who is that? Yeah, it's... Exactly. He literally hasn't done anything since you've been out of the womb. But he used to do diabetes commercials and what was he like the Quaker oatmeal guy or something, right? Yeah, it was all about oatmeal. Matt Muehling, our senior oatmeal correspondent knows all about oatmeal. Yeah.

I am interested in you. What else? What are we missing here other than fast cars, Remy? What else? What's something that's kind of like maybe it's like a guilty pleasure?

I'll leave that to your imagination. No, no you won't. You're on this show. You signed up. I like to stay busy. I like to make people laugh. I like to drive a bunch. I like to travel. I mean, learn languages. How about that? What kind of languages do you know? I speak English, Arabic, and Spanish, and I know how to say thank you in like 12 other languages. Oh.

Yeah, hello, this and that. Oh, my God. That's not fucking impressive. Only thank you? Nigga, that's it? You don't need much. Okay, maybe it is impressive. Fuck y'all, okay. Yeah. Casey, what do you think about this? Can you do it? Do it. With the 12 ones. Yeah. 12, okay. Uh...

No, no, no. Allow me. Allow me. I got to start. I got to start. All right. French is mercy. Uh-huh. And Farsi is mercy as well. So there's two. And I'm going to count them. Wow. Yeah. Arabic is shukran, right? German, donkashain, right? Obrigado is Portuguese. Gracias is Spanish. Xixian is Chinese. Obrigado is Japanese. Can you say I'm bombing indifferently? Yeah.

Learning it right now. Fun, fun, fun, fun. How do normal comedy sets go for you? High energy. I come out if I have an option to go first. I like to go first and like... What ethnicity are you? I'm Middle Eastern by descent. Both my parents are from Jordan. Wow.

My goodness. And you're a high-energy guy. 100%. A high-energy Middle Easterner. That's incredible. I'm more of an okie than anything. You're like Casey Carbom. What do you do with the energy? I don't really see you being a high-energy guy. Can you give us an example of what you do? Perhaps a crab walk or something like that. Casey, you're our high-energy... No dance crab walk. Do it. Do it.

Y'all going to make a big deal about me stealing Casey's joke? Oh, it wasn't stealing. Wait, but one time you said jizzabetes. That was cool. Yeah, it means a lot, man. I've been sitting on that one for a minute. And hyperglycemin. Who's saying that, right? That was funny. Interesting stuff. What's your love life like? Yeah, it's...

I go, I'm very direct these days. And if you're not trying to start a family, I'm just like, yeah, I'm not trying to mess with you. Yeah, pretty much. So you just go right up to women? Like, can I come inside of you? Yeah, 100%. 100%. They know I'm going to, girls know I'm going to knock them up. Unvaccinated, by the way. Just throwing that out there. Oh, wow. You look quadruple boosted. Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah.

All them rhinos. Okay. Red Band has pulled up 12 different ways to say you're bombing. Yeah. Estoy fracasando. Look at the Mexicans cracking up over there. They're dying.

French. That was pretty good. It's German. There you go. There you go. Yeah, sure. I know those words. I bet you do. I bet you fucking do.

Well, we're going to show you some mercy and get you out of here nice and quickly with a tiny joke book. Hey, look at that. You made it. Boom. Congratulations. Y'all have a good night. Remy Swice making his Kill Tony debut. 2006. So what the fuck is that? That's fucking 17. Oh, my God. He started before me. Oh, my God.

Oh my god, that's a year before me. Oh my god, I'm gonna kill myself. Alright, your next comedian out of the bucket. You've seen how this can go. It's not easy, folks. You just saw an 18-year veteran up here do his best minute. And now we're going to see the stylings of A. Armstrong. A. Armstrong. Oh, hell yeah.

You know, on Kill Tony, when you sign up, you have to write your full name. So, like, nobody believed that my name was A. The first time I signed up was at the HEB arena. And I remember, like, she finally, like, checked my ID. And she went, holy shit, your name is A. It's the difference between a chicken fried steak and a country fried steak. A chicken fried steak is, like, breaded. And a country fried steak is inbreaded.

Okay.

There's this dude that walks around like Congress in front of 7-Eleven, and I swear, every day I see him, and he only says four words. And it's like, hey, can I have a dollar? Right? So, like, I see this guy every day, and I started, like, making fun of him in front of my girlfriend. And, you know, she was like, we would laugh about it, but I felt bad about it. One day I had some money, so I decided to go see the guy. And, you know, like, felt bad about making fun of him, so I'd give him a dollar, and

And he said different words this time. He finally said, hey, you got two dollars? Hey, Armstrong, welcome to the show. I'm excited about this. Hey, how are you up here? I see you're very easily distracted. A must be short for A.D.D.,

You like that one. I love it. For those of you that haven't noticed yet, A literally has an A tattooed on his face. You want to turn towards the audience, show them that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the side that it's on. I'm a branding genius. Brand yourself.

I love it. Yes, indeed. Casey Rocket. What does that shirt mean? Oh, it's a local band in Austin. It's called, um, Rickshaw Billy's Burger Patrol, but people got sick of saying it. So they made a shirt like this. Casey is immediately becoming one of my favorite panelists ever, by the way. He's awesome. What the fuck is that? There's so much we have to get to a Armstrong. Uh, uh,

One of the parts of your set, you said that the guy only says four words. You proceeded to say six words after that.

I'm high as shit. Oh, that's everybody's excuse tonight. Except for Remy Swice was completely sober, everybody. Yeah, right. I love it. What are you high on today? Face tattoos? Just weed. Just weed. I don't smoke weed. What made you get A tattooed on your face? I really had just gone through a divorce and I was a big little peep fan and he said something. You were? Yeah. Well, I am. I am. He died. So he...

How are you a big Lil Peep fan? You're a white guy, am I correct? I know, I love Lil Peep. You're a straight white male, am I correct? Yes. You're not Latino. No, I'm half Mexican. Half Mexican, okay, that makes sense. That's why only half your face is tattooed. Yes. I love it. You got your white side and your left side. I love it.

Oh my goodness. What in the world do you do for a living? I work at the Goodwill as an intern for the corporate office. You're an intern? I am. At a Goodwill? Yeah. It's a dope job. Do you have to pay them for that job? I would. It's easy. Wait a second. What? Do they pay you for that? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. I get paid. Have you been to prison before? No, no, no. No? No, no. I just believe in myself. I thought we covered this. We went through this already, Tony. What does an intern at the Goodwill office do exactly? I help people in the computer lab, so I help homeless people find jobs and shit. Oh. Yeah. Wow. Thank you. Thank you.

Hell yeah. A fan favorite here. The debut of A. Armstrong. That's amazing. How long have you lived in Austin? Since October. Where did you live before that? Miami, Florida.

Oh, okay. It's all coming together now. Yeah, face tattoo, knuckle tattoos. Yeah. What were you doing in Miami? Huh? What were you doing for work in Miami? I worked for a company called Siemens. Don't laugh. It's a big company. It's a big company. Anyway, I was like an air conditioning tech.

I went to school for like five years. You went to school for five years for what? To figure out I hated doing HVAC and I like telling jokes. I love it. I love your energy. Thank you. You seem like such a nice guy. What else do you do? What do you do for fun?

I really just hang around comedy clubs all the time. Yeah, all the time. You getting a lot of spots? I'm not really, but I've made my own show. I wasn't getting booked, so I decided to start booking myself. That's the fucking way to do it, buddy. I call it the A-list. It's next door. I love it. It's Shakespeare's? Yeah. Very cool. That's amazing. I love it. William? Wait, why do you call it the A-list?

I'm kidding. You have that fucking thing on your face. I see why. It's short for ADD. Oh, I see. You already took that for your own. I love it. He's half white, half Carlos Mencia. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. Hey, what's your love life like? My girl had to go to Detroit to take care of her father because he's dying. So I'm only going to be here for another month. With a black girl? I'm moving up there. No, no, no. She's white. Oh, okay. She's white. Yeah, she's beautiful. Okay. All right. Nobody said you were fucking dating a fucking monster or anything like that. How long have you been with her? Like six months.

Okay. Yeah. All right. And you've been giving her that fucking goodwill, huh? I'm making an impact. You're making her what? I'm making an impact. Okay. Sorry, I lost my voice last week. Hell yeah. Okay. How'd you lose your voice? Making fun of people in the back of the creek. Oh, shit. All right.

It was fun. You should have been there. I probably should have. It gets wild back there sometimes. I know, I know. I love you, Rebecca. Rebecca's great. The Creek is great. We love everybody.

Wow, tell us like what's the craziest thing that's happened to you in your life? You seem so interesting. You seem like you really... Well, I was born in Japan, so I started out in an interesting... Do you know how to say thank you in Japanese? I thought you covered that with Remy. No, you didn't know that one.

He doesn't know how to say I'm bombing in Japanese, but he does know how to say they're bombing us in Japanese. Okay. So tell us, you just got that. Yeah. It was a super dope joke. Yes, absolutely. Indeed it was. So what were you saying?

interesting thing about it? Oh, alright, alright. So, I was born on an Air Force base, Kadena Air Force Base in Okinawa, Japan. And at the same time, there really wasn't many kids. So, there was a monkey that was born like in a tree right by my back fence. And she had a baby at the same time my mom had a baby. And they let us play together. And that was my best friend. That was my best friend for a year and a half. That's fucking dope!

An instant legend. Playing your best friend was a monkey the first two years of your life? It's true, it's true. I believe it. I really... I do a monkey impersonation. You want to see it? Yes. Thank you very much. Wow. Wow.

We in the house tonight. Oh my goodness. Look at this. One of those magical Kill Tony moments. Can I get a golden ticket? I think I deserve it. Whoa, whoa there. And it all comes crashing down.

Red band, anything you want to say to this guy? No? No, our air conditioning's fine at the sunset. Damn. Wow. If you only came out wearing a wig, you'd be booked on this secret show. Oh, shit. Look at that. I'm an old man and I still got nice hair. You're like a turtle from Entourage that did meth. This is incredible.

What a stud. A. Armstrong, anything else we should know about you before I throw you this book? Man, I fucking love Austin. This is my city. I love Austin. Goddamn right. Anything else for A. Armstrong panel? We good? Casey? One thing, you kind of glossed over. He said, I've never been to prison, I just believe in myself.

Which is a great line. That's awesome. How did I miss that? You are spot on. What did you mean by that exactly? I had to explain to you that I believe in myself. That's why I tattooed my name on my face. Oh, I love that. It's a branding idea. I love that. You have other tattoos? What do your hands say? Fuck you. Oh, Jesus Christ. Exclamation mark. God damn, I can't believe you have three words tattooed on your hands like that.

I got a tattoo for free. It's Miss Piggy frying bacon, and it says, don't judge me. You want to see it? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Casey? Why is it so big? It's so big. It hurts like a motherfucker. Wow.

Oh, my God. Well, A. Armstrong, you know, you're a fucking real person. It's unbelievable the different shapes and sizes of people that we get in here. I like your fucking style. You seem like a genuinely cool guy. It's amazing to think that you've come this far being raised by monkeys and whatnot. I like your style. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations on a great Kill Tony debut. Thank you.

That is the arrival of A. Armstrong. How about a hand for the band, huh? Keep it going for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Solomon Craft. Here is Solomon Craft. I've been clean for two months now.

Thanks. By clean, I mean I'm not using fluoride toothpaste. Yeah, I used to be a real degenerate. This one time I was driving drunk across a bridge and I thought it'd be funny to hit every single construction zone cone with my car. The next day I woke up in a panic. I was like, fuck. Then I thought, wasn't the booze that caused this reckless behavior? It's because I brushed my teeth with Crest this morning.

Another time I was in Colombia on a three-day coke bender and these ladies wanted more money. I refused, so they beat the shit out of me. The cops got involved. It wasn't very good. And it wasn't because I had grippling addiction problems. It's because I brushed my teeth with cress that morning. That's why every time I'm having sex with a girl and she looks up at me and stops and says, did you just come inside me? I'm like, oh shit, babe, sorry. I brushed my teeth with fluoride this morning. Thanks, that's my time.

Okay. Solomon Craft. Is it craft or crash? Craft, like macarons. Gotcha. Yep. Welcome to the show, Solomon. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three weeks. Just moved here. Okay. You started here in Austin? Yes. And where'd you move from? A fucking canoe in the Bahamas or something?

Somewhat accurate. I've been on a month long or a year long motorcycle trip through South America. So I just got back here. Okay. Yeah, makes sense. You look like a guy that's been on a year long motorcycle trip through South America. Yeah. How's that been going for you? It was going pretty good. Yeah. What's some crazy shit that you saw? How many times did you get robbed?

- Actually, I got robbed zero times, but like I said, I did get beat up by some escorts in Columbia. Yeah, some stuff like that. - Like women? - Women, yes. - Escorts? - Escorts, yeah. - Yeah, so how did that go down? - Well, I was sober for a month, right? I've been going in and out of sobriety, and I was like, "Let's do a month long sober in Medellin, Colombia," which is kind of hard. And then I broke sobriety.

and went on a three-day coke bender and These escorts beat the shit out of me Why did they decide to beat the shit up because they wanted more money and I was like I'm not gonna give you more money You guys should leave and then they got aggressive They wanted me to leave the apartment and I knew if I left the apartment with them I would have gotten robbed or killed so I stayed in and they started hitting me. Yeah, so With their fists. Yeah. Yeah with the fist. I

Oh, there on the back side of your head? On the head, yeah. Chest, yeah. Wow. My goodness. How big were they? Oh, they were much smaller than me. Not their thighs and ass, but everything else. What's that? Was it hot at all? I was, yeah, I was panicking. I was panicking. Like I said, the cops got involved. But only three days of a Coke bender in Columbia. Only three days, yeah. You look like you've only been off a Coke bender in Columbia for three days. Yeah.

It is absolutely incredible. Do you play musical instruments with a face and head like that? No, I do not. Nothing at all? No. Do you have any special skills or talents?

Not in the musical nature, no. What other nature might you have talents in? I don't know. I spent six years in the Navy. It was in special warfare, naval special warfare. So I drove the boats for the SEALs and stuff like that. Wow. Where'd you drive the boats at? Stannis, Mississippi. So that's where all the river boats are. You were fighting wars in Mississippi? Yeah. Amazing. Yeah.

Yep. My goodness. What's the craziest thing that happened out there on the bayous of Mississippi?

Nothing crazy on the bayou, but I did do two deployments, and I thought I was going to go to Iraq or Afghanistan, but I went to Dominican Republic and Thailand. So I had 14 months of vacation time. It was pretty good. Yeah. This is crazy, because you're kind of fulfilling exactly the jokes that I made about you when I first started talking to you. I saw a canoe in fucking Bahamas, and you were on a naval ship,

In Thailand and... We were on land. So we bring the boats, we're on land the whole time. So we're with like the Army Green Berets, the Thai Green Berets. Okay, so in Thailand, any ladyboy action there? Oh, yeah. Yeah, tell us about that. Let's get into that a little bit. Let's talk about it. So I knew this would come up, so I didn't do any... Did you bring a presentation of something? Yeah, so...

Guy in the back, if you can bring out the presentation. No, so I didn't... A few of us did mess around with some ladyboys in Thailand. I won't mention their names. But since I'm up here, when I was in Germany, I did mess around with a...

Yeah, let's talk about that. Yeah, so again, cocaine was involved and alcohol. I went to a whorehouse in Munich, Germany, and I was with this nice, fine young lady from Italy or something. And then this trans...

transgender lady comes over and she's like, can I come too? And I was like, no, no, no, no. And then I went back. Would you tell that she was transgender? Yeah, no, you could tell, but she looked very feminine. She was very beautiful. How could you tell if she looked very feminine and very beautiful? Just like the Adam's apple, you know, some of the jawline, like...

But you were with a beautiful Italian girl, you said, and you were leaving. And the trans German girl says, can I go with you? Yeah, she wanted to do a threesome. And at first I was like, no. But then I went in the room, snorted a couple lines of Coke, and I was like, hey, let's get that girl back. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. That's not even a threesome. It's kind of a foursome. Yeah. It's kind of like having a chick, a chick, and another dude.

And you. That's a lot. That's a lot of parties. Two sets of tits, two sets of dicks. It's a wild threesome. The math on that is insane. I lost count. Yeah, absolutely. So you're sucking her cock. What?

And then what happens? So I laid down some ground rules when she came back. Oh, yeah, of course. Nothing better than lines of blow and ground rules. Sure. Listen up. Yeah.

No, I said, I was like, hey, listen, I was like, you keep your clothes on, all right? Let me just say, this is the greatest disguise I've ever seen Uncle Laser do in my entire life. This is absolutely incredible that we found Uncle Laser's Colombian cousin. That's exactly what he would do. I don't know what you want me to say here, Tony, but we were having a good old time. It was a good old time. Relax. Relax.

Okay, so keep going with the story. I'm sorry to keep interrupting, but you're a little thunderball of entertainment here. So she came in. I was like, okay, listen, keep your clothes on. Wait, this is one of your ground rules? Keep your clothes on? Because I didn't want to be like, she takes it off and they're like, oh, no, you're actually a guy and be turned off. So I was like, you guys, the real girl can take her clothes off that stuff. You didn't let her even take her top off?

The womanly part? Did she have boobs? She did, yeah. She had fake boobs? I believe so. Or like medically induced boobs of some kind. Yeah, something like that. But you told her, keep that top on. Yep. So, and yeah, she sucked me off, so. And then what? Hey. Hey. Come on. It's a cocaine, all right? This is unbelievable. It's like, okay, here's some ground rules. Keep your clothes on, suck my dick. Let's go.

Your rules are absolutely incredible. This is like the XFL or something like that. What was wrong with the girl's mouth? You know, like the female's mouth. Yeah, what was up with the beautiful Italian girl? She's just watching like, uh, medical vespucci. I think we're like making out. Well, yeah. Right. You're making out. You're like totally a woman. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not gay. Right, not gay at all. Nothing gay about that. Totally got to keep everyone's clothes on. Everyone knows that if the clothes are on, it ain't gay. William Montgomery. I am just so curious. Were you using Crest at this time? Crest toothpaste? That's all I was thinking about. Yeah, was this all happening on the bed or did you take her for a floor ride? Oh...

Hello. These are toothpaste jokes. Hell yeah. You didn't see her butt at all. The old Colgate. Two more toothpaste trans jokes. Not easy. Got to write them now. Did not have these prepared. Not easy at all. So, did you end up seeing her tube? Negative on the transgender girl. No. So, her clothes stayed on the whole time. They did, yeah. And then you and the Italian girl, did you guys have sex in front of the trans-German?

It gets pretty blurry from the half. Yeah, you got butt fucked, dude. You got butt fucked. Welcome to another episode of You Got Butt Fucked. There it is. There's Red Band's three fart sound effects for this episode. A very special blasting off for Solomon Craft. Um...

Very, very interesting. Now, Solomon, before we let you go, anything else crazy we should know about you? I mean, I feel like there's probably a fucking plethora. Yeah, no, I mean, there's a ton of stories and stuff, but yeah, no, I've been here for three weeks and I've been having a great time. Three weeks? Let me tell you, your minute was a little bit fucking lackluster. I'm sure the nerves got to you a bit. You've really loosened up since being here. Your interview was incredible. Fun times. Here's a big joke book. You saved it with the interview. Thanks.

Sign up again. Sign up again. And you know, normally I would go to the bucket at this point, but since in a wild, wild, strange turn of events, the bucket of destiny has guided us in a direction where I do indeed right now get to introduce Solomon Craft's long-lost country cousin. Here with a brand new minute, this is Uncle Lazer. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Y'all ever try to get the Jehovah Witness boys to do cocaine with y'all at the front door? You know the Jehovah's, right? They travel in tandem. They pull up to their yard in their huffy mountain bikes, the finest silks from the JCPenney's, singing songs and praising their Lord, Tom Cruise. Yeah, and I'm like, listen, Ezekiel, okay? I don't give a fuck about the guy from Mission Impossible. Do you want to go polish off last night's eight ball with me?

Ezekiel stepped up the challenge. We stayed up all night in my garage till the sun came up, talking about, you know, the Underground Railroad, and that was actually underground the whole time, you know? Right? That morning, when he got on that bicycle and bid me goodbye, he had the best bike ride of his life to the top of that damn hill. Colors were brighter. The air tasted sweeter. He must have got confident. He must have let Jesus take the wheel.

Because on the way down through that hill, he blew past a SOP sign and he got hit by a Greyhound bus. The Lord works in mysterious ways. My name's Uncle Lazer. Thank you. Uncle Lazer with a brand new minute. Uncle Lazer, how's it going? You know...

Fucking throwing fucking bad dick at even worse people. You know what I'm saying? That's right. There he goes, reaching for his zen. What do you guys think? Are you sad? Are you sad? Good question. Are you sad? Are you sad? You do seem a little bit down. Listen, guys. I was in Chicago this past weekend, and after the show, I stumbled into a McDonald's, and I saw a nice young lady sitting under a picture of Grimace at the fall of Berlin.

What? And I sat down next to her, stroke up a little conversation with her. Next thing I know, she tells me she's got a couple rocks for sale. One thing leads to another, and we get to her house. She's one of them Midwestern gals, big meat, potato kind of gal, right? The rocks end up being crack. We made endless love all night. She kept going, don't stop, don't stop. And at one point, all I could say was, bitch, I ain't ever gonna stop.

Wow. And then as I came, I wasn't even with a woman. I was actually jerking off to Tony Enschel's Vanity Magazine cover. My lord. Wow. What a treat that was, huh? Unbelievable. No, I'm doing great, Casey! He pre-wrote a joke that hit all of us in his head. I wrote it in the green room. I was going to do it up here, but I was like, ah, I never ran it before. I was like, fuck it. There you go. Look at you, out here taking chances. I'm actually gay.

We believe you. We believe you. We already knew that. There was a guy up here before you that was with a full set of fucking powerful hair and beard talking about doing blow and fucking trans people, and it was like you. Yeah, well...

I gave that shit up for Lent ever since I joined that Mormon community or Jehovah Witnesses or whatever they are. You guys all know Uncle Lazer, Cam. Yeah, them a dog, man. We locked in, man. You want to tell them about it or what? Don't say it like that. That sounds crazy. You want to tell them about it? Hey, that sounds insane. You want to tell them about it? You want to tell them about it? I think we should talk about it. That sounds fucking crazy, bro.

Me and Uncle Lazy did mushrooms a couple weeks ago. We got locked in the elevator for 15 minutes. Oh, shit. Well, you need to tell them the proper way. Go ahead, Uncle Lazy. Everybody's going to think that I gave... Nobody knows how to take a 20-second story and make it four minutes. Sorry, Uncle Lazy. Let's do it. Everybody's going to think I gave Cam the mushrooms. He gave me the mushrooms as I'm driving. And he took less of me and gave me more. And I take mushrooms in public all the time. It's fine.

It's a drug. These were different. Were they not? They fucked us up. I kind of heard about this. We all have the same barber.

He was there. Yeah, he told me about that. You want to film it? I mean... Well, I mean, I got the very short version of the story. My barber knows that I don't like to talk much while getting my hair cut. That's a good man. That's my favorite. I like to look at my... So we're trimming balls in the green room with Jelly Room. Cam won't sit still. And I'm like, dude, they're going to know we're on this shit. And he goes, we need milk, man. And...

And I said, "Cam." He kept going, "We need milk, man. We need milk." And he's pacing, and then Jelly Roll walks in, and he's like, "What's up, fellas?" And I'm like, "I'm not gonna lie to you, man. We shouldn't be here." I said, "We took too many." Cam's like, "We need milk." I said, "We need to go home, Cam."

That's all I'm thinking about, nigga. Give me milk right now, bro. All I need right now is milk. Is milk supposed to make the mushrooms chill out or something? That's what I heard, but it was a lie. Didn't happen. It didn't help at all. We took the business at 9.30. I think we was on the business until about 3 in the morning. They fucked me up, dog. We went to the cooler at sunset. We was in the green room. Yeah, you kept sitting in the freezer. Yeah. You kept sitting in the freezer. You kept sitting in the freezer? He's just sitting in the freezer. Oh.

Yelling at white women, going, hey, ma'am! Just like screaming. I'm like, stop! There was white women in the freezer? I was collecting white women in the green room. He had the door open from the freezer. He just wanted to be in the freezer. Wow, this is Red Band's establishment, everybody. For those of you wondering, wow, where can I get a delicious beverage from that place? I wonder what the cleanliness is like of that, of the freezer. There were white women there, so they're fine. laughter

Corner pocket. Oh, my God. So how does this end? What are you guys doing at four in the morning while coming down from a mushroom trip? You want to tell them? Why do you keep saying it like that? It sounds fucking insane when you say it like that, man. Hey, Cam, I got some milk. You just got to work for it a little bit. Close your eyes. Suck it out of this tube. Ooh, your lips are still cold from the freezer.

God damn. Holy shit. This is the coldest fucking ice job. Okay, so how does it end? How does the story end? I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. We're expecting a nephew laser on the way.

Hell yeah. Well, Laser, fun times. You got a new minute out. You've been wanting to do this for a while. Here you go. You did it again. You're in the fucking universe. Uncle Laser, of course. Uncle Laser, out there on tour. Catch him. UncleLaserComedy.com for tickets.

And back to the bucket we go. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Am I right, people? What a fucking... This goddamn sausage fest of a show we have here. A glimpse of light. All right, back to the bucket. We know this young man. Very, very goofy-looking comedian that's been on this show a few times. Here is the long return of Derek Dimple, everybody. Derek Dimple.

That's right class, listen up, it's substitute teacher time. I used to be a substitute teacher and now I'm a substitute comedian. I came here to do two things, tell jokes and explain Coulomb's Law, and I am all out of jokes. Substitute teaching wasn't as difficult as I thought until I realized I could just give anyone a bathroom pass. I'd send half the class to the bathroom if it made my life easier.

Assistant principal would come in. I'd be like, "I don't know what happened." That's right, I have a voice like Michael Cera, Kermit the Frog, and Jordan B. Peterson. "Had a baby." Someone toward things would happen while I was subbing. Kids would tell me to suck their dick to my face. Is that really what you want, Carlos? With everything that's in the news, I know what I look like, and I fit the profile. I look like I'm about to shoot up this school, but I will shoot ropes all over you.

I know I'm a substitute, but I'm no sub. I will fuck you in the ass, you little twerp. All sped shirin's gonna play a little ditty on your prostate. All right, Derek Dimple. Thank you, guys. Is it Dimple? Dimple, yeah. Dimple. D-I-M-P-F-L. Oh, wow. You have beautiful eyes. That is unbelievable. Four consonants in a row. Me?

You've seen me many times. Yeah, I know. You got these Tom Cruise eyes. They just like blast a laser right through my face. Tom Cruise eyes. What the fuck? Jesus Christ, Derek. Thank you. Obviously, you've had time to prepare since your last appearance on the show. You've been planning on telling me I have beautiful eyes? No, it just came out. Wow. Wow.

Look at that. Fresh off of nibbling on a little boy's ear at a snooker tournament in England this week. Hey, no, I sent him away with a bathroom pass. I didn't say any of that shit. All right. Derek, you did really, really good, according to the audience here tonight. I didn't think it was that funny, but you did really good with the crowd, I will say. I don't know how it translated to the internet, but...

I may be autistic, but I love eye contact. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right. You've been working hard, huh? How long have you been doing stand-up now? Three years now, almost to the day. Right. Three years. And I remember you from way back, right? You've been at all the Kill Tony locations. Yeah. My first side was Kill Tony 500 over at the Paramount. Yeah. I was nine days into comedy at that point. There you go. Look at you now. Out here working beats on these people. Have you felt like you've been getting better? Uh-huh.

Okay, there you go. All right. Obviously, that's a trick. You got up your sleeve there. A lot of Kermit references. Kermit, Miss Piggy, Muppet references tonight. And then you get pulled out of the bucket. It's absolutely incredible. Derek, what do you do for work? I'm a sperm donor. What? Oh, God. Our future is fucked.

Cam Patterson. That should be illegal, dude. Yeah. A lot of surprise little ginger chatterboxes gonna be popping up around the world. You're not a ginger, dude. Holy shit. What the fuck? What do you call a white guy that tries to be a ginger? A piece of shit. Fucking idiot.

You're not a ginger. You have like blonde hair or something. It's fine, but just so you know. It's just everyone calls me a ginger because of the beard. But a ginger... I know. Like a white guy that tries to be black is a... I don't know that one, brother. Yes, you do. A ginger? No. No.

I think the term is neighbor. Oh, no, I don't want to call you a wigger. Right, yes. But is there a word for, I'm asking you, William, is there a word for a white guy with light brown hair that tries to be a ginger? Is it a whinger? Yes. Okay, all right. A whinger. Welcome to my improv course, ladies and gentlemen. All right.

Cam, KC Rocket. Cam, did she say a ninja? Was that your guess? I was confused. I didn't know what he wanted me to say. I don't know, a ninja? That's a crazy guess. I'll step low and let you get sperm into people, bro. Yeah, how is that possible that you're qualified to do that? What is the testing regimen for a man to have to donate sperm? Not rigorous. Right.

They're not concerned about you when you come in looking like you? No, I guess they're desperate for cum. Wow. Wow. I walked into the office of the intake lady. She was really good looking, but she had lip filler work done. And I was thinking, oh no, they want expensive jizz.

But they took mine, so... Now, let me ask you something. Did they keep you posted on, like, hey, you've got, like, 15 kids out there now? Oh, well, I did tick the box that when they're 18, they can come say hi. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm rolling the dice. Oh, my God. It might be the only way I can have kids. Shut the fuck up. Do they...

Do they pay extra for that? Or you just did that for free? No, I volunteered. You're talking about checking the box? Yeah, yeah. Why would you ever do that unless they paid extra? I mean, you got nothing to lose, right? They can't come after you for money or anything like that.

or whatever. I kind of like myself. I think I'm a likable person. And if they did, I mean, can you imagine 18 years from now some person coming up to you being like, hey, you're my dad. Can I have some money? And you're like, did your mom tell you how I was making money? Like, I jizzed in a cup for a living. Just do what I did, son.

Wow. Unbelievable. He's like, I'm a substitute teacher. I'm also a substitute husband. I guess so. I guess so. What do you do for fun, Derek, when you're not doing stand-up? Well, lately, I've been really enjoying some pitch and putt golf. Yeah. Down at Butler. It really is unbelievable. Another one of the fucking gems of this city. It is a super-duper fucking putt-putt on steroids here in Austin, Texas. Butler, Texas.

pitch and putt, another fun thing to do during the day. How often do you do that? About once a week, maybe once every two weeks. I shot a 30 the other day. Par is 27 on that course. Wow, you shot a 30 into one of the semen cups? Yes. No, I shoot more than 30 into the semen cups. Wow. Now, when you do that, is there something that you look at? Do they let you watch porn? How does that go down? They just put you in a room? Yeah.

Take us through the process here. Well, you walk through... You sit in a cooler on mushrooms. Yeah, right. Keep your balls on ice first. But, yeah, you go back into, like, a little medical examining room, and there's, like, some cabinets, and they have wipes for cleanup, and they have lube for doing the thing, and they have a drawer full of Hustler magazines. Yeah.

But I just watch porn on my phone. Right. That seems like that would be the move. Do they have good Wi-Fi at this place? Yeah, but when I'm ambitious, I just use my imagination. Okay. What do you think of when you use your imagination? Big tits.

That's what you're into. I love big tits. You do. You love big tits. Yeah. Do you like big... Don't look. Old titty boy LaCroix is over here. He has six nipples, didn't you? Don't stare at me, you bastard. What the hell? None of that. None of that. Did you just say Casey has six nipples? Like a Rottweiler. What the hell? Is this true, Casey? Yeah. Look, man, this isn't about me. This isn't about me.

How big are your loads, man? This isn't about me. That's a great question. Let's go back. How big are you? We're bragging about how big your loads are. Do you have exceptionally large loads? Big enough to cover six nipples. Okay, making callbacks. I imagine they're average sized. I don't have hyperspermia or anything like that. That's when you have a really huge load, but it's actually not good for getting people pregnant because there's a little bit of semen and a bunch of cum stuff, and so it...

It doesn't swim too well. I read a lot online. How much do you get paid for that? $110 per pop. Are you serious? How many times can you do it a week? Oh, every two days you can. So you go back every two days and shoot a load in a cup. It's how I make a living.

Well, yeah, no, every two days. Do the other open micers know about this? These guys are sweating bullets postmating for eight hours a day to make $110. They're going to all be like, wait, what? What the fuck? You're jizzing a cup.

Holy shit. I mean, if you're like driving by one, why not just go... 110 bucks. Yeah. 110 bucks used to be what we would work a fucking bartending shift in Columbus, Ohio for back in the day. Fucking stocking shelves and wiping down bottles and here you are just wiping down bottle. This is absolutely fucking incredible. $110 a pop. Well, ever since I couldn't keep selling beer, I had to find an alternative income source.

Never mind. He used to sell beer in an alley. He was one of those beer sellers. Oh, you were one of the back alley beer sellers back when we had everybody stand in the alley. How much money were you making a week doing that? $300 every night at Kill Tony. Wow. At their expenses. $300. And you would go jerk off in a cup the day before that. And then $300 and then you jerk off the next day. So we're already at fucking over $500 in three days. That's...

That's stripper money. Yeah, it is. It's unbelievable, Derek. Yeah. Wow. You got to get it somehow. All right. Well, very, very interesting stuff. Amazing that you found a way to survive like this. You have a joke book already? Well, you gave me a medium joke book, but no, I do not. Let's just say that. You have a medium joke book. It was a small one, so it means no. You know what? I'm going to give you this key chain. We have a cool little Kill Tony key chain. Woo!

Because, again, I didn't think this set was funny. You killed with the audience. I don't know how to describe it. People like energy. Thank you very much, Tony. Thank you, guys. I think there's some people on mushrooms here tonight. We have a table that's laughing at everything here. All right. We're going to keep it moving along. You guys having fun out there? Your next bucket pool, the bucket of destiny. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Roman Schmidt. Roman Schmidt. Roman Schmidt.

So I've always wanted to commit an obscure crime like mail fraud. Ironically, mail fraud is also what my dad calls trans people. No, I was lucky enough to grow up with my dad and mom because I grew up on a dairy farm, so my dad had no excuse to leave and get milk. No, I was very blessed. I do have buddies who weren't so lucky, and they had stepmoms, and they're like, she's a fucking bitch. Like, I never got that because from the videos I've seen, they seem pretty cool.

For the longest time, I thought social worker was a politically correct way of saying prostitute. So when I found out that my older sister was going to school to be a social worker, I was like, "Dad, are we okay with this?" And he's like, "Yeah." I'm like, "Is Grandma on board?" He's like, "Grandma actually suggested it. She thought she'd be great at it." Dirty old hag. So for three years, I thought my older sister was going to school to be a whore. Turns out she's just working with them, so... Thank you. I'm Roman Schmidt.

Wow. Okay. The Kill Tony debut of Roman Schmidt. Yeah. Hello. How are you? It's so nice to meet one of Derek's young children. Roman, how old are you? 22. 22 years old. Yeah. You live here now? I just moved here like five months ago. Five months ago. From Wisconsin? Correct.

Madison? Yeah, that's where I was doing stand-up. I'm from a small town called Colby, though. Yeah, you were doing stand-up at... Comedy on State. Yeah, one of the best comedy clubs in the country. How long did you do it there? Two years, and then I moved here. Amazing, amazing. What do you do for work? I serve at a mini-golf place.

And then ballet every once in a while, but not too much. You serve at a mini golf place. Is it Butler Pitch and Putt? No, it's... It's crazy. There's like all these repetitive things tonight. Holy Moly. It's a new thing. Okay. Holy Moly. Where's that at? It's right on like 3rd Street, but on the other side of 35. Like right behind that Whole Foods in Target over there. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's very close to here. Yeah. What's Holy Moly like? What's it like over there? It's...

Oh, okay. Quite the salesman. Yeah. Unbelievable. They got like... They're going to love your ringing endorsement. Yeah, I'm working one shift for the next two weeks, so I don't know if they really want me either. Okay. So, but I don't... They're trying to be a mini golf place with a bar, but it's more of a bar with super small mini golf, so... Right. It's still pretty much a hoot still. It's still fun. You know, it's a real hoot. It's a...

Hoot and holler if you ask me. Absolutely. Absolutely. So what are 22-year-olds that just moved to Austin up to nowadays? Tell us about what you think is fun when you're not working or doing stand-up.

I don't do much of anything else. I pretty much work and I go straight and I do stand-up all night. That's pretty much it. I play Mario Kart every once in a while. Oh, okay. What's your character? What's your choice of... I'm a Yoshi-Luigi guy. Ah, Yoshi-Luigi. Very agile, high speed. Yeah. High speed, very agile on the corners. I'm a Wario guy. Okay. Yeah, I come from behind and fucking

Get your ass just doof, doof, doof. I'm red shell, green, green, green. I'm toad. Yeah, I would beat the shit out of you, dude. I'm a drifter, man. Wario, yeah, you're drifting all right. Wario's a fucking... How about you guys? What are your Mario karts? I'm guessing you're the Donkey Kong of the... No! Cam's the only one that doesn't slip on the bananas. He just...

He gets a speed boost from them. This is a racist episode of Kill Tony. When I can do the jokes with my black friends, I do them. Other black guys must watch this show and be like, I'm going to kill that motherfucker. He just says, slave face, get the fuck out of here. Slave face was crazy. Slave face was crazy.

Slave face was crazy. We're still going to bleep. We're going to beep this every time I say it. And then these assholes are going to go online and be like, he said slave face. They were beeping slave face. I use Yoshi. You're a Yoshi guy. Okay. Casey? There's this big... I recently discovered this. There's this...

There's this big worm in a top hat. It's real. Wiggler. The Wiggler. Wiggler. So I thought it was just a nickname, the Wiggler, but it's his real name. That's his name. That's so cool to think about. This is like a new Mario Kart character? It's this crazy new guy named the Wiggler. It's for Switch. You guys wouldn't believe some of this stuff. Wow.

He's a big-ass worm. Yeah, he's huge. And he has a top hat on. This sounds like a Casey Rockets. Not a bit. He's this fat-ass, big-ass, top-heavy worm. Wow. Oh, and he's the coolest. Tony, you've got to see this guy. Oh, my God. I'm pretty sure he just performed here a minute ago on stage.

And William, what is your Mario Kart character? Big Waluigi fan. I do like a little Waluigi. I love it. And what was yours again? Yoshi or Luigi. Right, Yoshi or Luigi. You're split on it. You're 50-50. What makes you go with Luigi?

He's not Mario. I feel like he's a neglected one, you know? He's the best one. You think so, huh? I believe so. I don't trust anyone who picks Mario, so I just like... You're a fuckhead. I don't know if anyone... Does anyone pick Mario out there? Oh, you do. Look at this guy with a very sad face. Yeah. Wait, you do? Wow, really? Yeah.

Wow. That is incredible. Have you ever won, Matt Muehling? We need to have a fucking Mario Kart tournament. Kill Tony Mario Kart tournament live stream. $80. $80 per ticket. Buy your Mario Kart Kill Tony tournament tickets. Okay. What's your love life like, Roman Schmidt? You seem like a straight up super virgin. Ha ha!

No, I'm a bit of a dry spell right now, that's for sure. Yeah. Right. You're just focused on stand-up comedy. Yeah. What does your dream girl look like? What does she look like? Better be black. Yeah, right. Gia Duddy. Look her up on Instagram. That's Gia Duddy. What's her name? Gia Duddy. Gia Duddy. D-U-D-D-Y? It's specific. G-I-A? How do you spell that? Space D-U-D-D-Y.

D-U. Say it into the microphone, you creepazoid. D-U. D-U-D-D-Y. DMing her now. Is that just a normal girl? Let me see this. Let me see this shit. She looks like a normal girl. Is this a regular white bitch? It's a good old regular fat white bitch. I like the curly hair. Have you met this girl or something? No, she was on the draft like a year ago. What draft? Will Levis' girlfriend. I'm a...

Whose girlfriend? The course back nigga. She tried to take his phone and then he was... No, no, no. This is... Will Levis is a white guy. Oh, fuck that nigga. Your time goes CD lamb.

Yeah, she look good. She's all right. I like curly hair. You like curly hair. There we go. You could have just said that. I know, but... You know Gia Duddy is going to get sent this, right? I know. After I said it, I'm like, I'm an idiot. Literally, at least 400 people are going to be like, Gia, you were brought up on Kill Tony. And she's going to be like, oh my God, how can I make money off this? Just a normal fucking...

Whose girlfriend was she again? Will Loves. He's the quarterback of the Tennessee Titans. Oof. Yeah. Are they still together? No. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, being a quarterback for the Tennessee Titans has got a fucking lot to work with over there already. Yeah, he's a handsome dude. He's pretty big. Okay. Okay.

I'm going to be honest. You should see him. He's a stud. You're like stalker energy now, aren't you? I'm a big sports guy. I love the draft, so I just watch it all. Do you want her or him, nigga? Who the fuck you want, man? I would prefer her. I would put that out. But you would snap him the ball if he wanted it.

Roman, what else? What are we missing here? Anything else crazy about your entire life's history or anything like that? The one and only time I ever shot a gun was inside my high school. Okay. Now we're talking. Tell us more.

It was my senior year, I get called to our high school counselor. I get in, there's like four other guys. And our counselor comes in, she's like, so we're going to do a school shooting and you guys are going to be a part of it. And I like half-jokingly go, can I be the shooter?

And she's like, "We're not doing that. We're doing a fake basketball game." So we do that. -Wait, wait. -That's the setup for what's gonna happen. So we do the high school one. I get pulled out of class later by the middle school counselor, and he goes, "I heard you wanted to be the school shooter." And I was like, "Shit." And I was like -- So I was honest. I was like, "Yeah, I said that." And he goes, "Do you want to do that for the middle school drill?" I was like, "Yeah."

So the next day, I got pulled out of class again. I got dressed up, and all the middle schoolers were in our auditorium, and they gave me a gun with blanks. And they told me, just aim at the ground. Don't. And I was like, okay. And he told me to... An actual gun with blanks? Yeah. I aimed at the ground. He shot one before I entered, and he goes, go in there. And I blew my load way too fast. It was bang, bang, bang, bang, and it was out.

And all the kids started screaming and all that? Yeah, yeah. Casey Rocket? Did you say anything cool before you started shooting? School's out for summer! No, now I wish I would have. That sounds so much better.

You didn't say anything? You just walked in, just... Just right at the ground? It was the first time I ever had that kind of, like, powerful feeling. You know, I didn't know. I was like, this is crazy. My goodness. That's the only time Alec Baldwin ever wishes he was you.

That is how you shoot a gun with a blanks in it. At the floor. Absolutely insane that they would give you a real gun. This was in Wisconsin? Yeah. Yeah, it's like the second craziest school shooting drill we had. What was the first craziest? They didn't tell us we were having a school shooting drill. Oh, shit. It's just Derek Dimple jerking off in the auditorium.

110, 110, 110. Imagine being the parents of the kids coming home and saying that there was a shooting tonight. Yeah, like they didn't tell you and they had somebody else with a gun in blanks? So they sent an email out five minutes before to all the teachers, but

I was in lunch. I wouldn't have been told. And then a cop came in, and he just had, like, a fluorescent shirt saying, shooter for that one. And he goes, what would you do? And we were, like, joking around, like, oh, we'd fight you. And then he, like, shot blanks, and we're like, oh. So we ran out, and, like, I knew it was a joke, so I was like, oh, that's funny. He scared us a little bit. But there was kids, like, jumping through, like, the lunch tray return table. Kids ran home. It was...

This school is insane. What school district is this? It was Colby School District. Colby School District. Yeah. That was my sophomore year, and then we didn't have one for my junior year because of it. I bet. I fucking bet. This is the most insane shit I've ever heard of in my entire life.

That is crazy. Did the news ever pick up on that? Yeah, that one they did. Yeah. Wow. That one they were like, what happened? And they were like, shit went down. And that was about it. Well, Roman, very interesting interview. Very, very fun set. You are very, very good at this. Very promising. Everybody's moving here. I don't know if you guys are noticing, but this is where all...

All the people, they used to move to New York or LA and now they're coming here to Austin, Texas. That's the debut of Roman Schmidt, everybody. There he goes. On to the next one. Hey! Pick your character. I'm a Wario and I'm gonna win. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Isaiah Pichardo.

Isaiah Picardo. So a friend of mine, she recently lost her baby. It was horrible. She accidentally fell asleep on it. I can't even make a joke on that yet. I gotta let her breathe. I was at a house party and their dog was running around and the homeowner, she was like, she bleeds a lot and it gets blood stains all over the carpet. I said, ah...

I'm pretty experienced in that. I know what you can do. See, you kick that bitch in the back instead of the face, you won't bleed as much. Just a tip, you know. It was crickets. They looked at me like I was crazy and I had to save myself. So I was like, that's why they're called bitches, right? Sorry, that was awful. Thank you. Thank you.

Isaiah. Pichardo or Picardo? Pichardo. Pichardo. Yes. Absolutely. More like retardo. That was fucking crazy, bro. Sorry. Ballsy move. How long you been doing stand-up? This is my fourth time. Fourth time ever. Okay, that makes it great. I thought you were going to say 2006. That'd be crazy. Oh, no, no, no.

I love it. How old are you, Isaiah? 23. 23, fourth time ever. Takes a lot of balls to come up here in this situation like this. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Yeah, where are you from? Indiana. Indiana. And is that where you still live? Yes, yeah. And what are you doing in Austin? Are you visiting or what's up? To be honest, I was watching Kill Tony last night and I was like, I'm going to go to that.

You were watching last night. Last night. And you're like, I'm going to go to that tomorrow in Austin. Yes. You were in Indiana last night watching YouTube. And you're like, I'm going to go to that tomorrow. Yep. And you bought a ticket last night and you flew here today. No, I drove. You drove from Indiana? I haven't slept, yeah. I just drove straight here. That is wild. That is...

Unprecedented. Amazing. And the fucking... So you could have just as easily have been over across the street at a dingy 6th Street bar, fucking standing there doing nothing, and then you would have had to drive home to Indiana, accomplishing nothing, and instead here you are. Yeah, I don't even know. Well, let's figure it out, Isaiah. You've only done stand-up four times.

Someone fell asleep on a baby. That's crazy. She bleeds a lot. Kick it. Crazy. Bitches. Crazy. Yeah. So it's all crazy what you're talking about here. So let's figure out what about you you should be talking about. Move that mic stand to the right side of you there. Oh. Yeah, throw it over there. You feel that? You feel the difference? Yes.

You're Mexican, right? Yes. Mexicans usually are used to performing behind walls. You don't have to do that.

You don't have to do that. He's from Indiana, so he's whiter than all of us, really. Yeah, literally. Incredible. You're wearing a Grateful Dead shirt. Yes. You a hippie? You a little stoner? I guess. Yeah? A little bit, yeah. What do you do for work? You work at a rent-a-center or something like that? No, I work at Walmart DC, man. Just close. That's as close as it gets. Yeah. That's as close as it gets. What do you do at the Walmart?

Just throw boxes, man. Run a forklift. Right. Unload trailers. That's about it. Just manual labor. Absolutely. What do you do for fun? Comedy, and then I like to, you know, throw darts, shoot pool.

You know, I just get into random things at random times and just go all in. Like what? Like this, you know, comedy. I did stand-up last March, and I was like, oh, this is kind of fun. And then I, you know, now I'm here, so. Now you are here. Yes. Now you are here. Cam? My favorite part about this set is when he said, kitten laid in the back of his head. Somebody just went, what? Yeah. Yeah.

There was one guy in the back of the room that got a bigger laugh than everything that you said. But this is how it starts. I mean, it is not easy just starting out. Crazy. 23, fourth time on stage. You were in Indiana last night. Last night, yeah. Incredible. How was the drive? Tell us about it.

It was awful. It was not a good drive. How far did you make it before you're like, "What the fuck am I doing?" About halfway. I was like, "Man, I shouldn't do this." And now that I'm here, I'm like, "Man, I shouldn't do this." Ha ha ha, there you go. There's something in there. Thank you. When you, like, lose yourself, you're pretty funny. How much money did you spend on gas?

- It was like 40 bucks to fill it up the first time and the second time it was like 40, so about 80 something bucks. - Not bad. - I think. - Not bad to go from the fucking top of the country to the bottom. - What is that, 12 hours? - It may have been three times I haven't slept, you know. - William's thinking about driving from St. Louis right now. He's like, "What the fuck was I thinking? "15 hours worth of flights for $100. "You could have saved 20 bucks "and driven half the way twice as fast."

Thanks for making me look that dumbass. Holy shit.

I love it. Isaiah, you still live with your parents? Yeah, I live with my dad. What do they do for work? He works at Toyota. He works at Toyota? Yeah. How about she? Mom? What does she do? Just chills? I don't know. You don't know what your mom does? Does she live with you? No, no. Okay. How long has she not been in your life? She dipped out when I was like 12, 13. Okay. Where'd she dip out to? Do you know? I don't know. I was like...

About three or four years later, I saw her at a gas station in the same town I lived in, so she was probably around, but... Do you know anything about her? Does she do drugs or something? No, she's doing all right now. She's living with a sweet old lady in her basement and just, you know, working. How do you know she's doing all right? I see her every now and then, but it's kind of like... You just see her at the gas station? That's it? Yeah, yeah. Do you ever talk to her on the phone?

No, not really, no. Why is that? Because I guess it's on me now to kind of go see her and I just kind of don't do it. You don't do it because you're like, you left me at 12. I mean, I see her every now and then, but it's kind of awkward. So it's just like... Why is it awkward? It's just like we're different people now that's long gone. It's just like we're on a different...

His material is all about hating women too. Yeah, no, I was just getting to that. Makes sense that you're going around kicking bitches.

No, no. Any psychologist would say this makes perfect sense. I was afraid of that, and I had another bit that I had round up where I was going to be like, ah, Mexican Casey Rockett. And I was like, I can't do that. Thank God you didn't do that. Yeah, I know. What were you going to do after that? Let's see some more Mexican Casey Rockett. Ah, I feel like a... Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Mexican Casey Rockett!

I feel like a Percocet with a dick. That's about all I got. Okay, good. Good, good, good. Very good. Very good. Another fun fact about psychology is that your opening joke is about a woman randomly falling asleep on her baby. You don't see any connection here between your mother abandoning you and the woman issues in your 60 seconds? No, no, no.

Totally unrelated. No, I get that. No, I get it. I was a... You're okay. You're okay. It's okay. We're all products of crazy psychology. I always say there's so very few funny people that had both parents in their lives, like that had a normal life.

You know, comedians are, you know, kind of traumatized, spontaneous, the type of people that would get in their fucking car from Indiana and drive here. These open mics in Indiana, what types of things did you talk about on stage there? The minute that you did tonight? No, I had the dog joke in one of them, but I have different bits. Like what? Do you remember any of them? Yeah, I could run. They're not good, but... Let's give it a shot. I'm just curious. Maybe we can fix them. So...

We got any couples here tonight? Any what? Couples. We got couples here. Absolutely. Tons of couples. So couples, you know, this is going to sound bad, but women tend to send, tend to ask their significant other, hey, so would you love me if I was like a beetle? Would you love me if I was a cricket? Would you love me if I was, you know, some inanimate object? So, fuck. So there's a better way to ask your man that question. You ask your man, would you still love me if I was a

gay, big, black man with a fat cock. See, like, if my girlfriend asked me that, I love her to death, but if she asked me that, I'd be like, "Why are you going through my phone?" What? Thank you. Look at, look out there. Look at those people. Thank you. Thank you. What the fuck?

You don't know what works and what doesn't. No, I don't. You have no idea. Hey, I got bad jokes. I could do one of those and fuck. I could do one of my shitty jokes and fucking kill if you want me to. It's wild, man. There's something in there. There's a little fucking seed of something in there, Isaiah Pichardo. Do you really have a girlfriend? Oh, well, no. I do not.

You're a funny guy. You're a funny guy. I'm going to, uh, I can only give you a little joke book, but, I mean, you know what? You drove all the way here from Indiana. I'm gonna give you a big one. Fill this fucker up. Start writing. Thank you. Thank you. Use your hatred towards your mother to fuel your wild success. Make some noise for Isaiah Pichardo. It's a long drive to Indiana, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah.

wow how can you whoa john dean's in the house ladies and gentlemen holy who says black people show up late to work

I love it. Well, let's blast through some of these bucketfuls. I was expecting to get through more, but goddammit, some of these interviews have been so entertaining that I kept people up here for a while. Let's fly through some of these. Make some noise. Let's do a minute by Jacob Cantor out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Jacob Cantor.

So I'm from Dallas and I'm a tour guide downtown. I do the JFK tour. And part of the JFK tour, we let you meet this lady who was friends with Lee Harvey Oswald when she was a kid. I swear to God, they just wheel her out like she's Hannibal Lecter. Everyone just shoots her with questions. But it means that I've met someone who's met Lee Harvey Oswald and now you've met me. So you're welcome. Now, I'm really just an Uber driver with a history degree.

So I like to drive past DeLay Plaza and I like the CIA killed the president here and just they don't say anything. I just know I'm not getting the tip. And about that time, I'll start to go into like my RFK Junior spiel. Usually I get like, isn't he a conspiracy theorist? And I was like, you'd be a conspiracy theorist, too, if the CIA killed your dad and your uncle. And he is in the political sphere. He is the closest thing that we have to Batman. I mean, really, if you think about it.

Fighting against the corruption of the establishment that shot his family. All right, thank you. I'm Jacob. Exactly. A minute from Jacob Cancer. Jacob, welcome back. You were just on, correct? Yes, I was. Welcome back. Welcome back. Casey, what do you think about this young buck? I see Jacob everywhere. Yeah. He was in Dallas yesterday. Wow. He was in Dallas yesterday. I came to see his show. It was fucking great. Hyenas. And then now he's here. You just run into him random places like Isaiah and his mother. Yeah.

I thought it was really funny. Yeah, it was great. Jacob, you always do good here. You already have a big joke book, right? You were just here. What else? Since your last appearance, what's changed? What's going on? Nothing's really changed. I got on Secret Show, which was fucking badass. How did that go for you?

It was really good. I kind of like ran short on time by like 30 seconds and had a mini freak out. But everyone told me it was like funny because I like admitted I ran out of material and some people laughed. So adorable. How long of a set did you do? I think I well, I was filming it from the back, so I didn't have the time on my phone. But I ran. I think I ran out of material at like nine minutes and 30 something seconds. OK, that's good. Well, why did you say that you ran out? Why didn't you just get off?

Because it was 10 minutes. I don't know. I hadn't seen the light yet. You don't have to do 10 minutes. Well, I was just going and I'm not used to doing comedy in that big of rooms, so I didn't see the light in the back. It was exciting? It was very exciting. It was fun? It was a lot of fun. Was it the most fun you've ever had on a stage in your life? Actually, well, the green room was really fun. You had fun backstage too. Yeah. Cams there hitting on you.

- No, he wasn't. - From the cooler. - You're tripping on mushrooms thinking he's a white bitch. - I just spell it out for you. - Hey, yo, white bitch, I'm freezing in here. Help me in the cooler, go suck my dick in this cooler real quick, white bitch. - Poor Jacob, why is Cam calling me a white bitch?

I love it. Jacob, what else is, anything else going on? We're flying through bucket pools right now. We're going turban. No, I've just been going to comedy shows. I've recently started seeing someone that's going well. She's actually here tonight too. Oh, wow. Where's she at? She's in Dallas too, so she's a comic, so it's been going well. She's here tonight? Yeah, she is. Where? She's over at Poor Choices.

Okay, why don't you go tell her to come do a minute? Okay. There goes Jacob Cantor, ladies and gentlemen. You want me to leave right now? Yeah. We're going to fly through it. Where's Colt? Colt's still wrangling people? Okay. Well, let's get the fucking names up here, and then we'll do it. Took a while. Should I leave right now, or...

Where'd you meet this girl? We're actually from the same hometown, but I met her through mutual friends. It was like a group from my hometown that eats in Dallas on Sundays. So she actually dated my brother's best friend when they were in high school. And then, no, it's not weird or anything. We met, this is like 10 years ago. So I'm... Okay.

We'll go tell her that she's coming. What's her name? Jacob. Her name's Jacob. You're also dating a girl named Jacob. This is incredible. I love it. Did you meet her in Germany? Yeah.

Okay. What's her name? Sagan Butler. Sagan Butler. Yeah. Okay. Go get her. Tell her that she's going to go up. Did you hear that, Colt? Sagan Butler. We're going to fly through it. Another quick minute by Luke Newcomb. Here we go. I promise bucket pulls. We're going to get minutes out. Turbo bucket mode. Is that okay with you guys? Make some noise for Luke Newcomb, everybody. A minute by Luke Newcomb. Hell yeah. Here he is. Give it up for Kill Tony. All right.

Just do the minute. Here he is, Luke Newcomb, everybody. Give it up for the ladies. Yeah! Women. Women are like wine. I can't afford it. It's not something I can keep around the house. Anytime I have one, I am being judged for how quickly I finish. Just bottoms up. Now, women and wine, they have the same quality, where as they age, they get older. Day by day, you would think they had already peaked, but they do somehow become even more beautiful.

expensive. That's when you're dating. It's a little different when you're trafficking? What? Women, wine, they're in the cellar. Alert the authorities. No, women are like wine. I don't know where to find a decent white. That market is flooded with California trash and it gives me a headache.

All right, I've been Luke Newcomb. Thank you so much. There you go. Luke, how long have you been doing stand-up? About a year. Okay. Where do you live? Austin? Here in Austin. What do you do for work? I'm a server. At the putt-putt course? Hell yeah. Okay.

All right. Most interesting thing about you. We're flying through bucket pools right now. It's an extra special part of the show. Besides doing this, I'm a musician. What music do you play? What type of music? Rock and roll. I write songs, play guitar. You don't sing? I do sing. I sing the songs I write. What kind of songs? Rock and roll. But I mean, like, do you cover anything? Rock and roll.

I don't do covers. Okay. Can you explain to them the chord progression and the speed real quick? I can do something like that. Just say it right into the microphone. Just tell them. It's a G chord with the 45 to 50. Oh, without me playing guitar as well? Absolutely. Yeah. You're just going to sing. Let's go. You're going to sing real quick. You're going to sing, and we're going to fly through it real quick. So start telling them.

A minor, C, F, E7. You look like you would love A minor. Absolutely. You got that? Give us the groove. Give him the groove. Call me crazy, I've been seeing them lately. I've been seeing them daily, baby. They're coming here. Call me crazy, I'm seeing them lately. I've been seeing them daily.

There he goes, Luke Nukem. Little joke box.

On to the next one. Your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. We gotta get through it. Make some noise for Eddie Lursa. 60 Seconds by Eddie Lursa. - I've accidentally been working in restaurants for the last 20 years. I was watching a fat kid eat the other day and it made me realize that if I have a kid, I wanna have a fat kid.

Because he's either gonna overcome heavy adversity and build strong character, or the little guy loses a foot and we don't walk from the back of the parking lot anymore. And it's cool if some of you didn't like that joke. There is a certain type of person that normally doesn't, and that's type two. I also figured out how to stop school shootings. We have to segregate schools again. What you do is you take all the lonely white kids with gun fascinations and you put them in their own schools.

In these schools, all of the teachers will be known pedophiles. Because, at the end of the day, school shooters and pedophiles are the same. They both just want to unload on kids. I'm Eddie Lursa. Thank you. Amazing. Eddie Lursa with a fantastic set.

Great job, Eddie. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over a year now. Over a year. That's incredible. That was so good. Where are you based out of? I'm here in Austin now. How long have you been here? Since October. A lot of people moved here in October. Incredible. Where'd you move from? Florida. Okay. What part of Florida? I was in New Smyrna Beach right by Orlando. Ooh, Cam Patterson. You ever been there before? You ever do any...

I was going to say crime, not shows. I've never did crimes in New Smyrna Beach ever. Just in case they're looking for me. I never did crimes in New Smyrna Beach ever. There you go.

Case dismissed. No, it's true. We don't have black people out there, so it's... Perfect. Perfect. That's why we would do crimes there, but I've never did crimes in New Samaritan Beach ever. Eddie, what do you do for work? I'm a bartender. Oh, that's right. You mentioned that. And what else is going on? What's the craziest thing about your life? Craziest thing about my... Going through an extra fast portion of the show. I was given away by my parents three times in one year when I was 16.

Given away to who? Group home, foster parents, and the guy who eventually became the guy I call my dad now. Wow. What were you doing at 16 that made them do that? Or what were they doing? I was just vibing. Vibing? Casey, rock it. You're just too chill. You're just too cool. He's too laid back.

They couldn't handle that amount of coolness. They're like, this kid is just vibing. We got to get him out of here. No, my mom, she needed to have a life. So we had to go so she could pursue her life. It was exciting. Wow. What was that life that she was trying to pursue? My mom was actually a professional jazz and blues singer in the D.C. area. Wow.

Yeah, so I made the sacrifice. Go mom. That makes sense. Being an entertainer runs in your family. Your set was well beyond what most people at a year are at. We're flying through this bucket right now trying to set a record for bucket pools. So there he goes. Eddie Lursa, ladies and gentlemen. Keep signing up, Eddie. We want to see another minute and do a longer interview. Thank you.

We got a woman out of the bucket. This young lady made her debut only recently and was absolutely hysterical. Here she is again. This is the second set ever by Sherry Veseji, ladies and gentlemen. Sherry Veseji. Thank you. I am originally from Iran. You may know it as Iran. I ran so fast and I never looked back.

Yeah, but don't be afraid of me. You know, there are no terrorist women. Can you imagine me going, pfft, stop it. But also, women don't work in the Middle East. Yeah, I don't know if you've heard, there's been some downsizing, layoffs, furloughs, stoning. Yeah, let's not even talk about equal pay between the men and the dead women. That's a whole nother Netflix special right there.

Yeah, so while we're on the subject of terrorism, how come there are no good-looking terrorists out there? Where are my GQ terrorists at, huh? What are they, calling in sick on jihad days? And I haven't seen any gay terrorists either. I mean, that's pretty obvious. Like, what are they going to do with 72 virgins up in heaven? Give them highlights or redecorate the harem?

Persian women rock. Once you go Persian, you're like, hey, nice rug. Sherry Meseji has done it again. Her second ever appearance.

Red Band here told me that you did absolutely unbelievable at the Secret Show when you were put on it super recently, Thursday night or whatever. How's everything else going, Sherry? Great. Yeah. Remind us again. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since last May, the last round. But I used to do stand-up years ago before you were born. Yeah. Absolutely. For some reason, it turns me on when you talk like that.

It's incredible. You know me. You are kind of like a hot little desert cougar. It is kind of incredible. It's like something about you. You're a little firecracker or shoe bomb or something. I'm not exactly sure. Boom. I love it. I love it. Sherry, you were just on this show. You just killed again. We're flying through the bucket tonight. How about one more time for Sherry Beseji? Red band? Red band?

I would love to have you back on The Secret Show Thursday. Oh, shit. Look at that. Back on The Secret Show. Once again, proof that anyone with a vagina gets booked on The Secret Show by Brian Redband. Welcome to show business, everybody. If you're wondering how it works, the young Harvey Weinstein of Austin, Texas. Hard at work over here. Menacing!

Jesus Christ. All right, I made Jacob a promise that I'd put his girlfriend up. Make some noise for Sagan Butler. One minute. One minute, Sagan Butler. So, my love life pretty much consists of guys treating me like the old school Kodak cameras. Sure, they'll let me take all their shots, but then they forget about me and nothing ever develops. Yeah.

In their defense, I do have something uncommon with those cameras. Yeah. If you wind me up and smack me just the right way, I too will flash. It's gotten to the point where I'm like, you know what? He doesn't even sound that bad to me. You're meaning to tell me I'm in a relationship with this man and he's wildly outnumbered? There's nothing I've ever wanted to do more in my life than to stage a coup with my gal pals, all right? Fucking try me.

- At minimum, we're gonna unionize, and if we go on strike, old dude is fucked. Oh, you don't think domestic work is work? Then good luck keeping the 72 kids and the sourdough starter alive then, bitch. I don't know where I'm at, but that's all I got for you. - 57 seconds from Sagan Butler.

I love it. Is that lisp natural? Have you always said that? It's the braces. It's the braces. It's the braces. It's an adorable delivery you have. Thank you. I'm going to minimize a 72.

That's incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up? I started in January. Wow. Yeah, I started in January. You're so new. Are you here in Austin? I'm in Dallas. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So you live in Dallas. What do you do for work? I am a certified postpartum doula, lactation educator, placenta encapsulator, and birth doula, and postpartum educator.

Jesus Christ. Are you also an intern at a Goodwill? What doesn't she do? Yeah. I'm also a waitress, so, you know. Wow. Absolutely. That's where you make the real money, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. And you're dating Jacob? How's that been going? Fantastic, actually. I wrote that joke before I started seeing Jacob, by the way, so...

We'll see how it goes. Amazing. Amazing. And you guys are out doing spots together, having fun. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Everything's good. What's the craziest thing about your life that we would find interesting during this, the interview portion of Tony? Only a couple million people will see it. Give us something good. I am a single mom of four. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. I'm also a special needs parent. Oh my goodness gracious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your kids sound like you do. No.

I got braces so that I can relate to my special needs kids. Fire trucks. Look, I sound just like you now, Billy. I just wanted to make him feel, you know, normal. So I took over the team. A single mother of four. How old are you? I'm 32. Wow. Okay. You're like a reverse David Jolly. You seem younger than that.

You seem younger than 32. Sunscreen, sunscreen, you know? Fucking glitter in the hair. The freckles, the glasses, the braces, it's just, I'm gonna not believe it. The glasses, the braces, the sensation of September sincerity.

You just love making ass noises with those fucking braces. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So how many of the four kids are special needs? The oldest two. The oldest two. And what are their special... I have a non-verbal... My oldest is a non-verbal autistic. He's 10. And then I have a nine-year-old who's also on the spectrum. But he's...

he's a freaking savant, dude. Like, he's way too fucking smart. How is he savant-y? Well, he taught himself how to read before the age of two and that's how he became verbal. Holy shit. So, yeah. Cam, this kid beat you by 24 years. This two-year-old can spell better than your father. Yeah. This is unbelievable. Wow, that is so cool. So, like,

So it's, how old is the one now? The one that read it too? The, which one? Oh, he's nine now. He's nine. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, he taught himself a lot of like foreign alphabet so he knows the Russian alphabet, the Greek alphabet, the Coptic alphabet. Wait, I think he performed here earlier. Yeah.

He knows how to say thank you in 12 different languages? Yeah, something like that. Amazing. We are flying through the absolute end of this show. We got to turn it and burn it. Congratulations. A great set. Thank you. I am out of joke books. Have a good night. I'm out of joke books, but here, take one of those just for shits and giggles. At least you leave with something back to Dallas.

Ladies and gentlemen, your absolute final comedian of the night. We did it, by the way. We got through fucking 11 bucket pools tonight and two of our favorites, David Jolly and Uncle Lazer, which leaves us with just one regular. You guys will never guess who it is.

This man has been taking a hiatus in preparation for the forum, the rematch between him and Rick Diaz. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. You watched him grow up from living in a van to being a wild sellout touring success. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. Thank you. Holy shit, that last girl, huh?

I thought my English was bad. P Diddy is getting charged with sex trafficking, which apparently is a big deal. I just don't think that's the worst thing he did. Whenever someone gets charged with sex trafficking, it's like they're saying, "Hey, it's okay to molest people, just don't take them sightseeing." If I'm getting molested, I better get a free trip to Disneyland. I don't want to get raped in a dungeon the whole time.

Sucks having black hair, 'cause when I find hair in my food, I don't know if it's mine or if I get to yell at the help again. Tents are going up in the universities, which means it's time to invest in Raytheon. Thank you!

Fuck yeah, that is Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Fantastic Hansie. How we feeling? I feel great, Tony. Thank you for having me back. I'd love to come back more. Anytime. We love you, Hans. Literally anytime you want, you can. Thank you, Tony. Cocaine's pretty expensive. Are you back on it? Are you back on the hard stuff, Hansie? No.

Hans, did you just lie to me, Hans? Yes. Hans is also an autistic savant, for those of you that don't know. One of his amazing traits is he cannot tell a lie. What have you been doing lately with the cocaine, Hans? You've been doing some dirty 6th Street blow? Yeah, I mean, there's pretty good stuff here.

That's a good street for cocaine. What do you do after you do cocaine? What exactly, what game on your phone do you play? I've been playing a lot of Settlers of Catan on my phone, colonists.io. Is that really what you do after doing cocaine? Yeah, I mean, I've been rearranging my house a little bit.

I recently went to Eeyore's Birthday. Tell us about that. What do you mean? Eeyore's Birthday is a nice little thing that they do here in Austin at Pease Park. They just have a bunch of people gather together and run around and it smells kind of bad. It's like a music festival. Yeah, but no music.

Casey Rockett. Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh? Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Eeyore? Yeah, it's like a thing here. And you do cocaine and you went to Eeyore's birthday? That's awesome. That's so cool. I think that's what Eeyore needed is a little cocaine. Yeah, that's true. He was so sad. Hell yeah.

Wow. I mean, this is incredible. Casey, you just found out about a festival where there's no music and people just running around. How excited are you right now? Fucking my heart's thumping. I'm excited. That's cool. Hell yeah. That is incredible. What do you tend to do at Eeyore's birthday? Is that what you said? Yes. Well, I was there to follow my ex, but... Happy birthday to you.

You're stalking your ex-girlfriend. Yeah. Okay. Again, he cannot lie. People, that's why I love, it's just so funny. People, I can't imagine a better interview than you in the world. They've always been fantastic. So how's stalking your ex-girlfriend going, Hans? It's great. Does she ever notice you? Yeah, she said hi to me.

I got invited in last night. Ooh. I promised her I wouldn't talk about it, but we had sex. Oh my God. That is the most Hans Kim thing of all time. You think you're probably going to get in a little trouble now that you said that, huh? In three weeks. Ladies and gentlemen, we got to put a ribbon on it. That was Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

How about one more time for the great William Montgomery? Visit his Instagram. He's on tour. Go to his link tree to find dates. He's selling out all around the world off of his link tree. Guess who else only has a link tree on Instagram? It's Cam Patterson selling out all around the world. These guys do not have websites. KCRock at Comedy.com. He's also on tour.

All three of these guys on tour, killing all around the country. It's a lot of fun. I mean, you guys have gotten to watch them grow in front of your very eyes. There's not a show like this in the world where you get to watch a new minute every single week and...

Ryan J. E. Beltz Artisan. Yes, which reminds me, the Killers of Kill Tony Comedy Tour is starting where they're all going out, different groups and different weekends and different times, all around to giant, giant venues, massive theaters all around the country. Some of the regulars, some of the golden ticket winners, the great Jetski Johnson,

A lot of the greats that you love are on tour right now. KillersofKillTony.com for tickets there. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in, and it is indeed incredible. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? By the way, Matthew Muehling just dropped a brand new single, Challenge Day. Go check it out at MatthewTM.org.

MatthewTM.org for the new Song Challenge Day from Open 2.0. How about one more time for Carter Arrington on the guitar behind me, Matt Muehling, the great D Madness, everybody.

Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Raul Bejelo, and Carlos Sosa are all on the world tour with Zach Brown. Our horn players are doing football stadiums every Saturday with Zach Brown. How about one more time for them? One of my favorite additions to our cast of all time. They fill this fucking, they fill rooms with unbelievable energy. No Chris Rogers tonight, Red Band? Check out the sunsetstrip.com.

Sunsetstripatx.com Secret show every Thursday. I love it. If you haven't yet, check out the live stream of the forum and the YouTube theater.

filmed on May 10th and May 12th, but a new level of production for us. We got the director of the UFC, and we really, really upped the fucking ante on this. We're trying to make it so that our pay-per-views are big, giant comedy events. But as far as the home field advantage here in Austin, we love you guys. That was so much fun. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Good night.

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Thank you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.